#i hope youre doing okay

[comfortpotato]

[lassieposting]

Sometimes I want to leave dead birds at your back door just to remind you I'm still around, but then I remember that I don't kill birds. Why would I kill birds? Birds are cool. Maybe I should leave toy birds instead

I often want to pspspsps @ u to remind u u haven't been forgotten! Toy birds > dead birds for sure

[pearl-blue-musings]

...overdue kith? 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

-🌸

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HELLO MY DEAR MY LOVE SOSMALXMSKWNDKWKKEE I HAVE MISSED YOU SO SO SO SO SO LONG!!!!! HOW ARE YOU?!?!? HOWS YOUR WRITING?!?!? YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE KITHES!!!! 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘

Have you been okay???? Is everything alright???

[egophiliac]

What do you like about the Diasomnia boys if I may ask?

I always love hearing about the different reasons people enjoy characters.

I mean, c'mon. he has split custody over Sebek okay

also, Lilia in particular has maybe the best timeskip character development of all time

[toqiuh]

Under Maintenance

A fanart I did for @meowbyacow60004's steampunk au (click here for their art!). Thank you for creating & sharing such a lovely au!

[inkskinned]

she says he won't let her get a dog, which is fine, because they're in an apartment, and that's the kind of thing people say about their partners. he won't let me get a dog. and you're at a dinner party and you tilt your head a little to the side just like that dog he won't let her get, because is this the thing that's going to upset you? you don't know every corner of their relationship, she could be joking, they could have had so many healthy conversations about the dog, right, and maybe she's not letting herself get the dog because of money and time and whatever. but, like, she did say let

and she wants to move away from his hometown and he wants to stay and then he tells you with a wink and a conspiratorial stage whisper don't worry i'll convince her and she laughs about it - so clearly this is something they laugh about. but you do just stand there and stare at him like what the fuck, man. you can't say what you want to say which is why do you get the final say on everything because they're both obviously aware of the other person's stance on this and have obviously had private conversations about it and what are you going to do about it except make a scene and then he'll be mad at you and call you one of those bitches behind your back and she'll cut you off, which is a loss that doesn't feel worth it just because he makes you a little skeeved out every 3rd comment

and they both agree he just isn't the type to get flowers which is fine because everyone shows love differently, and are you really gonna judge someone based on their sense of individual relationship responsibility? maybe he's constantly cleaning her car and writing her poems and making her furniture or something. maybe she doesn't even like flowers and this is perfect, actually. and no you couldn't date him, obviously, ew; but like, she tells you she's happy. you almost send her a tiktok that says don't be 25 and the cool girl that doesn't need anything, you'll hate not getting flowers at 30, but that's like, starting drama & you shouldn't start drama needlessly.

and you're a little older than her but not so much older you can pull the whole trust me on this one babe thing and besides that wouldn't have worked anyway (when does it ever) and besides you have trauma so you and your therapist both agree that you're always looking for a problem even when there isn't one. and you tell yourself that just because you see them for 15 minutes every month does not mean you can identify every single red flag based on a single shitty half-joking(?) comment

and besides, what are you going to do? she says i actually wanted another stand mixer but thankfully he stops me when i'm about to spend too much money and you're standing there like are you okay? is this normal? is this just something people say? and again - what are you going to do?

to your therapist you try to language it - it's not, like, any of my business. but sometimes, doesn't it feel like - you should do something. there's got to be something, right? you've tried dropping little hints but they sail right through and you've tried having a single serious conversation and she got upset because why does it matter to you, yes it's different but we're happy, it doesn't need to make sense to you and you're like. really unwilling to push a boundary about it anymore; because the truth is that you know logically it shouldn't matter to you, as long as both parties are happy.

and besides, you've been wrong before. it's just... like, every time you see them both, something else happens, some kind of shiver down your spine like do you even hear each other when you talk. it's their strange, bickering orbit. just the way he's on his phone through dinner or watching sports instead of helping in the kitchen or, fuck, another one of these little throwaway comments he makes about we'll see about that, babe. she laughs when he calls her passions stupid shit and meanwhile she gets him tickets to see the knicks and he tells you well at least she's smart about something and still! it's none of your business.

you say get the dog anyway and she laughs. like, this is is you being funny. and not you saying - no really. get the dog. get the dog and get out of here. pack up and start running.

[what-to-imagine-next]

10-27-2022

Less than four hours away from my ex’s birthday.

I know that my feeling don’t matter nor do I. I know that its so idiotic of be to be so down in the dumps over this. I know that I should just be better. I know I’m weak. I know I still love and miss him. His warm eyes and laughter. His ability to somehow just hug and kiss my momentary problems away. His dorky curly hair that he never really knew how to take care of. His laugh. God his laugh. I miss hearing it. Even just seeing in words. I miss him. I can’t talk to him. As much as every loving or hateful part of me wants to. I can’t try to be apart of his life just to ruin it more. All I do is ruin. And I should know this by now. I should know that I’m not good for anything. I should know I don’t add fo anything. Not music. Not art. Not work. Not school. Not family. Not friends. I wish I did kill myself ya know? Maybe then it’d suck for a minute or two for people who would have known me. But then they wouldn’t have to worry again. They’d be free. They’d all know it was inevitable and that I was on borrowed time. They’d know that even with the small joys I’ve recently had it still all hurts. Not just me missing him.Just my existence. Its always been a pain and dreadful experience. Ive just ruined everything for everyone and I shouldn’t be here to ruin it more. I wish I could just get better. Be better. Be not me. Anything but this. Anything but pain. Anyone but me. It’s all not fair. My life. And thats not anyones problems but my own. I knew from a young age I wasn’t supposed be be alive. I knew even before my mom told me I was supposed to be aborted. I knew from elementary. All the kids pointing and laughing and me never truly fitting in. Same with junior high and high school and college. I’ve always had this pain. This disconnect. This urge for disappearing. Being gone would be the only true peace of my nonsensical existence. I am sorry to Stephen. For hurting him, when all I wanted to do was love and adore him. To be that happy person who would help him. Who would be there for him. But I wasn’t meant for anything positive I knew this. I told him this. I knew I would be left again. I knew it would happen even when I was trying to get better but I am NOT meant for any happiness or joy in personal fulfillment. I knew this. And I had false hope. I tried. I really did. I really do still love you stephen. I’m so happy you choose yourself. I’m so happy you’re doing better. I’m so happy for you. Happy birthday in four hours my love. My joy. My proud nerd. My everything. I’m sorry I truly was worth nothing. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. My bubby. I’m. So. Sorry. I’m. Me.

[miiukkaa]

i wanna hear him give absolutely horrible speeches (everyone would go apeshit nonetheless)

[teethkid67]

PAYDAY

aka a valentine for the lovely @itsnotmystic / @corvids-calling - fanart for stars fic of the same name, which you can read here !!! i really enjoyed this concept and wanted to do some art for it :3 hope you like it because i REALLY loved your work & i hope this shows that !!! HAPPY VALENTINES DAY !!!!

this is also a loose love-letter to the wonderful @arginnit 's crazy background-drawing-ability and style/skill at portraying environments . wadds your stuff is insane and i love it

happy @mcyt-valentines exchange !!!!

[zhaozi]

based on this post by @heretherebedork

[nuppu-nuppu]

Fushiguro Megumi

[nachosforfree]

Shout out to aro people who DO show little emotion, who do have low empathy, who are monotonous, who do relate to robotic characters on a level other than the fact robot characters often don't feel romantic attraction

[fensyl]

Fell in LOVE with @alenseress style and how they do Dorian, so I did a study! I might do a few more! I highly recommend giving them a follow

[catastrxblues]

EVERMORE by taylor swift (feat. bon iver) — “and i was catching my breath, floors of a cabin creaking under my step. and i couldn’t be sure, i had a feeling so peculiar, this pain wouldn’t be forevermore.”

my #swiftiegiftexchange2024 for @lovesickallovermybed!!!! 🫶🏽🫶🏽

[inkskinned]

one of the things that i think we should pay attention to, socially, about the disney v. desantis thing is that it is really highlighting the importance of remembering nuance.

in a purely neutral sense, if you engage in something problematic, that does not mean you are necessarily agreeing with what makes it problematic. and i am worried that we have become... so afraid of any form of nuance.

disney isn't my friend, they're a corporate monopoly that bastardized copyright laws for their own benefit, ruin the environment, and abuse their workers (... and many other things). this isn't a hypothetical for me - i grew up in florida. i also worked for the actual Walt Disney World; like, in the parks. i am keenly aware of the ways they hurt people, because they hurt me. i fully believe that part of the reason florida is so conservative is because it's been an "open secret" for years now that disney lobbies the government to keep minimum wage down, and i know they worked hard to keep the parks unmasked and open during the worst parts of Covid. they purposefully keep their employees in poverty. they are in part responsible for the way the floridian government works.

desantis is still, by a margin that is frankly daunting, way worse. the alternative here isn't just "republicans win", it's actual fascism.

in a case like this, where the alternative is to allow actual fascism into united states legislation - where, if desantis wins, there are huge and legal ramifications - it's tempting to minimize the harm disney is also doing, because... well, it's not fascism. but disney isn't the good guy, either, which means republicans are having a field day asking activists oh, so you think their treatment of their employees is okay?

we have been trained there is a right answer. you're right! you're in the good group, and you're winning at having an opinion.

except i have the Internet Prophecy that in 2-3 months, even left-wing people will be ripping apart activists for having "taken disney's side". aren't i an anti-capitalist? aren't i pro-union? aren't i one of the good ones? removed from context and nuance (that in this particular situation i am forced to side with disney, until an other option reveals itself), my act of being like "i hope they have goofy rip his throat out onstage, shaking his lifeless body like a dog toy" - how quickly does that seem like i actually do support disney?

and what about you! at home, reading this. are you experiencing the Thought Crime of... actually liking some of the things disney has made? your memories of days at the parks, or of good movies, or of your favorite show growing up. maybe you are also evil, if you ever enjoyed anything, ever, at all.

to some degree, the binary idealization/vilification of individual motive and meaning already exists in the desantis case. i have seen people saying not to go to the disney pride events because they're cash grabs (they are). i've seen people saying you have to go because they're a way to protest. there isn't a lot of internet understanding of nuance. instead it's just "good show of support" or "evil bootlicking."

this binary understanding is how you can become radicalized. when we fear nuance and disorder, we're allowing ourselves the safety of assuming that the world must exist in binary - good or bad, problematic or "not" problematic. and unfortunately, bigots want you to see the world in this binary ideal. they want you to get mad at me because "disney is taking a risk for our community but you won't sing their praises" and they want me to get mad at you for not respecting the legit personal trauma that disney forced me through.

in a grander scheme outside of disney: what happens is a horrific splintering within activist groups. we bicker with each other about minimal-harm minimal-impact ideologies, like which depiction of bisexuality is the most-true. we gratuitously analyze the personal lives of activists for any sign they might be "problematic". we get spooked because someone was in a dog collar at pride. we wring our hands about setting an empty shopping mall on fire. we tell each other what words we may identify ourselves by. we get fuckin steven universe disk horse when in reality it is a waste of our collective time.

the bigots want you to spend all your time focusing on how pristine and pretty you and your interests are. they want us at each other's throats instead of hand in hand. they want to say see? nothing is ever fucking good enough for these people.

and they want their followers to think in binary as well - a binary that's much easier to follow. see, in our spaces, we attack each other over "proper" behavior. but in bigoted groups? they attack outwards. they have someone they hate, and it is us. they hate you, specifically, and you are why they have problems - not the other people in their group. and that's a part of how they fucking keep winning.

some of the things that are beloved to you have a backbone in something terrible. the music industry is a wasteland. the publishing industry is a bastion of white supremacy. video games run off of unpaid labor and abuse.

the point of activism was always to bring to light that abuse and try to stop it from happening, not to condemn those who engage in the content that comes from those industries. "there is no ethical consumption under late capitalism" also applies to media. your childhood (and maybe current!) love of the little mermaid isn't something you should now flinch from, worried you'll be a "disney adult". wanting the music industry to change for the better does not require that you reject all popular music until that change occurs. you can acknowledge the harm something might cause - and celebrate the love that it has brought into your life.

we must detach an acknowledgment of nuance from a sense of shame and disgust. we must. punishing individual people for their harmless passions is not doing good work. encouraging more thoughtful, empathetic consumption does not mean people should feel ashamed of their basic human capacities and desires. it should never have even been about the individual when the corporation is so obviously the actual evil. this sense that we must live in shame and dread of our personal nuances - it just makes people bitter and hopeless. do you have any idea how scared i am to post this? to just acknowledge the idea of nuance? that i might like something nuanced, and engage in it joyfully? and, at the same time, that i'm brutally aware of the harm that they're doing?

"so what do i do?" ... well, often there isn't a right answer. i mean in this case, i hope mickey chops off ron's head and then does a little giggle. but truth be told, often our opinions on nuanced subjects will differ. you might be able to engage in things that i can't because the nuance doesn't sit right with me. i might think taylor swift is a great performer and a lot of fun, and you might be like "raquel, the jet fuel emissions". we are both correct; neither of us have any actual sway in this. and i think it's important to remember that - the actual scope of individual responsibility. like, i also love going to the parks. Thunder Mountain is so fun. you (just a person) are not responsible for the harm that Disney (the billion dollar corporation) caused me. i don't know. i think it's possible to both enjoy your memories and interrogate the current state of their employment policies.

there is no right way to interrogate or engage with nuance - i just hope you embrace it readily.

[what-to-imagine-next]

09-25-2022

Thirty Seven Days Until My Ex’s Birth Day, I Am Ever Closer To Killing Myself.

Its been weird, living that is.

I still extremely love him, stephen. And its honestly really fucking sucky. Part of me wishes for the sliver of a chance to even have him in my life again, even if it means watching him fall in love with another who he’d truly be happy with. Even if every extra second of knowing him is going to cause me an ever lasting pain. Even if I never get to be happy. And part of me really still wants one of two options. Wait out for the date I have in my mind, wait and wait every painful second and every terrifying moment of continuing this existence so when I get to that date it’ll finally be over. Finally free. Finally. Gone. Like I was meant to be. Or two, do the same but move, change my name, my look and personality. Become something I’m not for the happiness of others, and then disappear agajn permanently. And Honestly. Thats all I can see myself doing in this lifetime. Even if I never get another shot. Even if it means the sadness of others. Maybe I could be selfish. Maybe I could not care for once. And end every painful minute.

I’m sorry to any family I may hurt. I’m sorry to any friends who may hurt. I’m sorry to any around me who may hurt. But I’m not sorry for doing it when it comes. Because its been weighing down my mind for eleven years, and when the days comes in two thousand thirty, it will have been just over nine-teen years. And then I can be free. Though I dont wish my moms death, I partly hope shes not around for it. It would truly break her. But I’m so tired. Even the good days are exhausting. The bad days are millions of times worse. And I just want to be free. Cause I know even with therapy, even with self love, even with medication, even with a new start in life. I will never be free in my lifetime. And I have accepted that. All I hope is that all you around me, if you were still even there when the day comes, can accept it for even a fraction of what I can.

I love you stephen, I’m glad you chose yourself, I’m sorry I ever ruined you, met you, and loved you, I’m sorry I didnt keep you away. I’m sorry I was right about how awful I am. But thats okay. I’m not okay but thats okay. I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re loved. I hope you’re happy. I hope your hopeful. I hope, just maybe, that you’d love us for one more kiss, one more hug, one more moment of joy, but I know the world around humanity is a cursed place of turmoil, hatred, and profound idiocy. I love you. I miss you. I will ever be grateful for you. Even now. My idiot love.

God I hate myself, and everything makes sense.