#i just give it to my brother literally everything - i got aftershave today; never have i ever used aftershave. shaving cream ? both to my

[bibleofficial]

my mother got me a carry on suitcase but little does she know …. i alrdy ordered the one i actually wanted 3 days ago ALSKAKSKALSKLAKSLAKSLAKS

[jay-and-dean]

Captive Chapter 7 : Little Bean (The end)

gifs not mine

_Dean x Reader_

Summary :

Dean Winchester is an enemy.

Every man of letters and hunters are enemies.

During the Great Purge in Europe, when every european Men of Letters allied to eradicate monsters once and for all, using hunters as their cold-blooded hounds, long before the BMOL took an interest in USA, they killed my mother, and made me go through hell. I killed so many of them I lost count, and lived a life on the run. Until one day I heard about American Men of Letters extinction, and decided to try and find peace there.

That was without counting on the exile of some BMOL, and the existence of the two best hunters of the world.The fisrt time I saw Sam Winchester, I almost killed him, and Dean has me now…

He is going to kill me, right ?

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***CAPTIVE MASTERLIST***

***MASTERLIST***

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Serie warnings : Violence and captivity, Swearing, Angst, Fluff, Smut.

Chapter Warnings : Angst, Flangst fluff, smut.

Words : 5.3 k

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Reader's Pov

           I enter the shower and sigh. Sam is right, I have to talk to Dean, today.

           I look down at my body and see my secret is showing a little now, when I'm naked. A little, my lower belly just a bit more swollen than it usually is. I take Dean's soap and wash with it, it's the only scent that doesn't make me nauseous lately, even Sam's aftershave is sickening in the morning.

           I'm terrified.

I know Dean won't kick me out or whatever, he loves me, I trust him. But I will break his happiness... He doesn't want this, he doesn't need this. He has always been responsible for everything, for Sam, for the world. He doesn't want that burden, and I don’t want this for him. I want to give him peace, I want to take care of him. I want to be his angel.

           I quickly clean and get dressed, we have to take the road in half an hour, people are being found literally half eaten in Arkansas.

           When I get out of the bathroom, I can't find Dean, he already took our bags.

"Sam, have you seen Dean ?"

"He's waiting in the car" Sam shrugs, putting smoothies in the cooler.

Waiting in the car ?

           I enter the garage and my love is indeed behind the wheel, in his beloved car. I open the driver's door and bend on him.

"In a rush baby ?" I smile, kissing the corner of his mouth.

He just nods.

"You okay ?" I frown when he doesn't return the kiss like he usually does.

"Yeah. Are you ready ?"

I nod sadly and close his door. Then I seat on the backseat behind him and try to catch his eyes, but he doesn’t look at me.

           The drive is silent, no, actually it's not, Dean put some loud music, but he doesn't talk, not a word. And it makes me feel like he was unapproachable, like he was not mine at all. And just like that, only a few hours after waking up in his arms, I miss him like when he left me alone in the bunker. I could cry.

           Sam sometimes talks about the case but that's it. As the time passes, I start to think, this not just me being addicted to Dean’s smile, something's wrong with him but I can't read his eyes this time, is it sadness or anger ? How am I supposed to talk to him about my pregnancy if he's already mad at me. And I don't even know why...

           It's dark, Dean didn't stop at all, he never asked if someone needed to take a break, and I must say my bladder is screaming at me. But I don’t ask anything, I’m too afraid of what he could answer.  I try to act as I always do, but he never really reacts to the kiss I drop on his neck now and then.

"I'm hungry Dean, do you at least plan on stopping for food ?" Sam sighs.

"People are dying" Dean grunts with his closed tone.

"Yeah and we will be there in the middle of the night ! So we have time for a break ! What is wrong with you, man ?"

"Nothing. I'm fine, stop asking me what's wrong" he looks at me in the mirror quickly.

           By the time we make it to the motel, I'm on the verge of crying. My head hurts, my bladder, but my heart is the worst.

I almost run to the bathroom when I got the key to our room, but Dean doesn’t join right away. Sitting on the bed, I try not to cry. He never made me feel like this, this is worst than being captive.

I can’t talk to him tonight. I’ll wait for the end of this case, maybe he doesn’t even want to be with me anymore. Dean doesn’t do relationship. He told me he loved me when he was dying : maybe he’s just regretting it. Feeling like he had no choice but commitment… No I don’t believe that, I can feel his love, I can hear it in his words, I can feel it in my core… Usually.

He enters our shared room and doesn't even look at me when he takes his jacket off. He's wearing that green Henley that makes me weak, the one I usually touch all the time ; but he's cold, and it's scares me.

           Maybe it is because of this morning, he wanted me and I pushed him away... I need him close anyway, so I walk toward him. I don’t know what else to do, so I put a hand on his chest and approach my lips for a kiss. But he flinches.

He finches.

           My breath gets stuck on my throat and I look at him in fear. But then he takes my hand and pushes it, and fear turns to terror…

"Don't touch me" he groans, turning his back on me.

I could puke or cry or die right now... What is happening ?

"Dean ?" I swallow hard. "Baby ?"

"Don't call me that..."

"What is happening Dean ? What did I do ?" I half sob already.

He turns around and suddenly he seems so tall, I take a step back.

"I don't know, you tell me" he rasps, his tone is so cold, it’s like he wanted to scare, or even hurt me with words. "What did you do with Sam ?"

"With Sam ? Dean… what do you mean ?" I frown.

"I MEAN !" he yells all of sudden, making me jump and take another step back, my blood runs cold, iced sweat is covering my back. "I CAN'T TOUCH YOU !” He grins with the anger of a crazy man and rolls his eyes. “Oh, yes… I can take you, quickly, from behind, like a fucking dog…” My eyes widen at the bluntness of his words. “But not touching you too much, or with the lights off, so you don't have to look at me, right ?... I'm not allowed to see you, to touch you anymore ! I can grab your ass but not kiss your boobs ? Do you know how it makes me feel Y/n ?” I open my mouth but he doesn’t let me the time to say anything. “What are you ? DISGUSTED WITH ME ?"

I put my two hands on my mouth, so shocked by what he is saying, feeling so guilty for making him feel unwanted.

"Dean..." I try to talk but he is furious now.

"DID YOU CHEAT ON ME ? WITH MY BROTHER !" he yells so loud I'm sure Sam heard from his room.

"NO !" I try but he's not listening.

"You can't do this to me Y/n, I love you too much” his voice breaks on the word love, he seems so vulnerable now. “I'm going crazy... I love you so fucking much ! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME !" he puts his hands on his hair. “I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME !” he grabs the wooden chair next to him and smashes it on the wall.

I flinch in a strangled cry. I hurt him so much. How can I not have seen this. How can he think that I would cheat on him, this is the worst.

“WITH MY FUCKING BROTHER !” the veins on his neck are showing and his eyes are red.

He can't think that... Before he yells again, I cut him.

"STOP DEAN ! LISTEN TO ME ! HOW CAN YOU ACUSE ME OF CHEATING ON YOU !” I realize how much it hurts me while I say it out loud. “Son of a bitch... You SON OF A BITCH !” I punch his chest. “Two weeks ago I was dying because of how much I love you ! I WAS DYING, DEAN ! I never touched your brother... How can you..." I cry, still hitting him. "I will never touch another man, you know that... Tell me you know that, baby... Please."

I come closer but he pushes me again and I burst in tears when I can’t take him in my arms.

"Dean..."

There are tears in his eyes.

"Don't lie to me." he groans low. "Don't touch me... You have a secret, I heard you..." a tear falls on his cheek. "With Sam... You're hiding someth..."

"I'm pregnant" I cut him, defeated. “I’m fucking pregnant, okay ?”

           Silence. He stares at me like I had just slap him. I feel my guts make a thousand knots.

"I didn't tell you because this is my fault ! I... I'm the one who told you we don't need protection. I'm the one who fucking messed up ! And now you're gonna hate me..." I cry. "You don't want this, you don't need this... But I... I already love him because it's yours and I'm so sorry Dean... I can... I-I..."

"You're pregnant angel ?" he says, strangled.

I nod, the nickname warming me a little.

           He comes close and searches my eyes, but I try to look down. He tries to take me in his arms but I keep on slightly hitting him, drowning in my own tears. So he cups my face with one hand and grabs my wrists with the other to keep me from punching him more. There is something there I can't read, but fear disappeared, how could fear vanish when I tell him that ? He frowns, I don't move, barely daring to breathe. Then he smiles.

"You are pregnant ?... How ?"

"I don't know... Gabriel says true love can do that sometimes..." I shrug and he takes me by the waist.

“I’m an idiot” he shakes his head. “I’m…”

He presses me against him, and I stay still. "You should have told me..." he whispers.

"I was terrified… I’m so sorry baby"

"How could you think I would hate you" he winces.

"How could you think I was cheating on you..." I look down.

"I'm sorry, I love you too much… It makes me stupid, this all new for me. I guess passionately doesn’t suits me so well…" he bends to kiss my lips.

           I wrap my arms around him and sob because of the intense fear I just felt, he squeezes me.

"I'm sorry" I say. "I'm so sorry Dean."

"Don't be. Look at me angel." His eyes are so sure, they make all my worry fade. “I love you more than anything. And the truth is… I always loved the idea of being a father, I just thought, in this life…”

He cups my face and I stop crying, feeling his enveloping soul carry the world for me.

"It's going to be complicated, our life... It's not going to be easy everyday... But angel never, ever, think that I don't want this" there, I can read it now, it's adoration : the mysterious expression in his beautiful eyes. "You're making me so happy I can barely believe it !" he cries in a laugh.

           Then he kisses me, he invades my mouth and slips his hand under my shirt. He suddenly breaks the kiss.

"Does it show ?" he asks looking down at my stomach ?

"A little..." I pull my shirt off and Dean's eyes widen. “Dean, this is the reason I… I don’t want you to feel unwanted…”

He puts his palm hesitantly on my lower belly and smiles in a way I never seen him.

"How long ?" he whispers still looking at my tiny bump.

"I think this is our middle-of-the-night-impala-sex, baby..." I shrug, not really knowing how I can be so sure, but this is something I feel since I know. "It's a… It’s a boy."

"You already know ?" he puts his forehead on mine.

"Yeah, Gabriel told me when he healed me and brought you back. I'm sorry Dean, that's the only reason I didn't want you to touch my stomach I swear... And my boobs, they just hurt most of the time... But you know I’m yours, right ?"

"I know, angel, I’m sorry…” He stares at his hand on my skin. “A baby boy..." Dean says dreamingly.

"Yes..."

           He bends to kiss my lips once again, letting his fingers go through my hair in a soft moan. I cling to him, pressing on his back to keep him close, I let him take away all the fear and sadness.

"Never lie to me again angel" he pleads, his clumsy hands stroking my hair. “Never…”

"Never die again" I answer.

Dean's Pov

           I put my keys and the grocery bags on the table and pout, Y/n was supposed to be here when I come back.

"Angel ?" I call.

"Kitchen !"

I smile and rush toward her. I left before she woke up this morning and I miss her so much already.

           When I enter the kitchen, my eyes widen. She's in just her panties and bra, her six months baby bump pointing proudly at me, she has done her hair and nails. She's so beautiful.

"Angel, where are the others ?" I worry a little, ready to put my hands to hide her.

"Gone" she smiles, biting her lower lip.

"Oh..." I groan.

She bites in a peace of dark chocolate, making it crack between her teeth.

"Yeah...” she purrs.

She licks her lips and I can imagine how sweet they must be right now. Then she skims the front of her panties…

“And I'm so horny" she grins.

"Are you baby girl ?" I ask very low, knowing how much my deep voice can arouse her.

She licks her lips and wraps her hands around my neck. I put my palms on her belly and hum, but she steals my smile by kissing me passionately, she tastes like chocolate.

           She moans in the kiss, making me hard already.

"Dean... touch me" she begs me, taking one of my hands off of her stomach to put it between her legs.

"Wow, angel, you really are horny... Oh ! And wet !"

"Yeah..." she moans when I rub my fingers on her pussy through the fabric. "Yeah Dean..."

I know her body, and my thick fingers rubs between her entrance and her clit, making her moan, I can feel her muscles clench around nothing through the fabric, she’s biting my neck now.

           I have to be careful, this is way too hot… I could let myself go and hurt her, or the baby. I’m tall and heavy and big. I’m so afraid of what I could do to that treasure inside of her.

The moment I'm about to offer her to take this to the bedroom, she starts undoing my belt.

"Wow Y/n you act like you haven't seen me in a week" I smile kissing her jaw. "Hormones ?"

"No" she moans squeezing her thighs to keep my hand between her legs. "I just want you..."

           She slips her hand on my pants and grabs my cock. I feel myself twitch in her hand and I growl, nibbling at her throat, desperate to throw myself at her. Her thumb strokes the head and she rolls her hips against my hand.

"Let's take it to the bed angel" I pant.

"No..." she whispers, pulling me back with her.

           She sits on the table and opens her legs, tugging at my shirt to make me come closer. I kiss her softly, massaging her thighs. She's burning up, damn, she's soaking the table.

"Fuck me Dean" she begs. “Here. Now.”

"Angel..." I try hold back. "Baby, I can't do that..."

           She breaks the kiss and looks at me like she was about to break my nose.

"Dean, I love you... And I love you making sweet and tender love to me... You know that ?"

I nod, not really knowing why she's saying that.

"But lately..." she whines. "Dean... you can't be all sweet and tender all the time. I need you to be my lover, but I really need you to be my strong manly warrior… Dean…” she whines. “Fuck me now. Hard."

I swallow hard.

"I don't want to hurt the baby..." I admit.

"I know… I know and I love you for that. But believe me, you won't" she states. "I’m stronger than you think but I will burst in flames and die if you don’t give me what I need, baby. I promise, just don't crush me. But please..." she comes closer to my ear and strokes my cock slowly. "I miss your bruising hands, I miss your teeth and those groans you let out when you don't hold back..." she purrs.

I take a shaky breath and fall on my knees.

           The second my head come near to her pussy she stars wiggling. I kiss her where she needs it and graze my teeth on her clit through the soaked fabric. Her hands come to my hair, she grabs what she can and tugs at it to the point of pain, I miss it too, I miss her scratching my back so bad I bleed. I miss the feeling of perfect trust when we switch from rough to tender, and all the other way around.

I moan and push her panties to the side to fest on her freely. I look up but she's hanging her head back and her swollen belly keeps me from seeing her face.

           She moans loud, her legs wrap around me.

"Dean !" she cries out when I flatten my tongue.

Her nails are digging in my scalp, she keeps my mouth on her, and my head is spinning. I try not to think about my baby boy in her womb, this is so strange for me, I always fear I could hurt them. But she's right, I have to trust her. She knows exactly what to tell me if I go to far, or to rough.

           I grab her thighs and push on her body, to make her lay down on the kitchen table, she gasps. I take her panties down and throw it somewhere in the kitchen. Then I attack her again, using my lips to make her beg, I know she loves my lips so I make her enjoy every part of them... And my tongue. I could come just hearing the plaintive sounds she makes when this is too good for her to take.

           This time she comes really quick, her thighs crushing my head when I keep licking her during her high, her voice lost in sacrilegious prayers.

"You okay ?" I ask kissing her thighs and her baby bump.

She nods, wiping her sweaty face with her palms.

           I take my jeans down and smile at her devilishly.

"You stop me if I hurt you, or..."

"Yeah, Dean, you won't break me" she says opening her legs. “Please I feel like I was in heat right now… I need you.”

I can't hold back anymore and dig my fingers on the skin of her thighs. Before she can move I enter her in one sharp movement, growling and clenching my teeth. She’s tight and pulsing.

"Fuck, Y/n..." I mutter, almost withdrawing, then slamming back inside her.

"More... Dean baby more..." she pleads.

So I lift her legs above my shoulder and put a knee on the table. My thrusts are ruthless now, her mouth is wide open. My arm grabs the table next to head and she does that thing where she licks the skin of my wrist she can reach, like she was in heat indeed…

When I can't go deeper anymore, she starts making those pornographic noises. And I already feel my balls tighten, but I can't cum now. I bend, careful not to crush her belly, to kiss her lips, and she grabs my ass.

"Angel, this is too good..." I pant.

The kitchen table creaks. She lifts her arms and clutches the edge of it, arching her back. Her walls flutter around me, she's close.

           Her voice dies in her throat again, her neck red and her eyes shut. Her legs shake and her hands come to my arms, clinging to it with her nails. She comes hard. Just seeing her like that could make me cum, but the way I'm buried deep inside her, the way she's pulsing around me... I grasp her hips and squeeze hard as I pound three more time inside her, growling, before I cum in a desperate moan, not really caring what sound I make, she loves them all anyway.

           It takes me a few minutes to catch my breath. She's stroking my back lovingly, and smiles with a pure expression of bliss on her face.

"See, you didn't hurt me, baby" she says. "I mean, I might not be able to walk for a few days. But it was totally worth it" she laughs, biting her teeth.

"I love you" I say, taking her in my arms.

"I love you more" she snuggles against me.

           *******

              "I love our baby but he's coming between us" she says when she can't get comfortable on the couch.

"Put you back on me" I suggest.

"But I want to see you" she pouts.

I move a little and she snuggles on my chest on her side, her head on the crook of my neck. She looks up and I can see her mischievous gaze under her eyelashes.

"Don't look at me like that, I just had to tighten the kitchen's table bolt" I smile, kissing her nose. “And you scratched my ass, it hurt when I sit.”

"I was not thinking about that" she puts light kisses on my jaw, slipping her arm under my shirt to touch the creases muscles of my stomach. "We had a lot of long talks about how to act while I'm pregnant, and no, Dean, I'm not staying at home alone while you’re hunting..."

"I know, you made it very clear..." I sigh.

           Y/n can't stand being alone at home, and crying my death for two months in my bed didn't help. So, even pregnant, she insists on coming with us on hunts. She doesn't hunt of course, she stays at the motel, doing researches, or just resting. But I know that, soon, hours in the car won't be a good thing for her, and I'll have to just let Sammy, Jack and Cas hunt without me. The truth is I can't be without her either, so I don’t really care.

"We barely spoke about when the little boy arrives" she adds, slightly tickling my stomach unintentionally.

"We said we won't move out, and that Sammy will be the nanny" I smile.

She kisses my jaw and lets her lips linger for a second.

"Yeah" she says. "Mh… You smell so good” I love when she says things like that. She continues. “I just... I don't want to lie to him, and I don't want to raise him as a hunter either."

"I won't ever raised my boy like I was" I say a little too gravely, rubbing her bump protectively.

"No, Dean, don't worry, this is not the plan. But see, from what you told me, lies have hurt your family a lot, Mary being a hunter, the deal with yellow eyes..." she starts and I look down at her with pure love in my eyes.

This is one of those moments when she gives meaning to my life, when she talks with kindness and without judgment, making things clear and honest. Easier.

"I want our son to hold all the cards, to have a choice ; to be able to do informed choices" she speaks clear and calm, searching my eyes.

           She makes everything so simple. I can already see our little boy coming back from school and play with Cas’ magic. She always says she is going to be an awful mother because she never knew love or care or normal, and that I’ll have to be that perfect caring father I was for Sammy… Her words. The truth is she’s already an incredible mom.

"I agree" I simply answer. "No lies. Daddy's a hunter and mommy's an angel..."

           With that I feel my heart beat faster, I'd never said "Daddy" or imagine someone would call me that... I'm all moved again.

"And you can go to college..." she adds with a soft smile. "You can be anything you want as long as you are careful and wise" she says to her belly.

"I love you so much" I think out loud.

"I love you more."

Reader's Pov

           When the soft doorbell rings, people turn toward us. I really love this diner, I don't know why, maybe because it's the first place Dean ever brought me, maybe it's because it's next to home.

           Dean takes my waist and leads me to a table, he kisses my temple before he sits in front of me, laughing a little when I grunt sitting down.

"What ? You're son is heavy" I groan.

"Dean" a voice says.

When I turn my head, I recognize her right away. Julia. She doesn't even look at me, her eyes on Dean. I feel a sharp pain in my chest just knowing he has been inside her. Just knowing she thinks about him that way.

"Julia" he says with an awkward smile that makes the pain even worse. "How are you ?"

"I'm fine" she bites her lip and I'm about to kill her. I literally can picture myself smashing her face on the table corner.

"What do you want angel ?" Dean asks me, chasing my violent thoughts away.

Julia turns her eyes to me and I can see them widen a little, it's not like I still can hide my secret baby, I'm seven months now and the little Winchester inside of me seems to be like his dad, maybe even his uncle.

           Her face changes utterly, her jaw clenches. I can see Dean was not just a one night stand for her, she actually likes him, she wants him.

"I thought you didn't do relationships..." she grunts.

He seems surprised to hear her voice change. Dean is still oblivious to the effect he has on women. I thought, when we got together, that he would know, being so handsome and having slept with so many women, but he doesn't, really. He barely notices when a woman looks at him most of the time, and I'm the one telling him. That makes him laugh, he says I think they find him attractive because I love him. The truth is I have seen that look so many times. That jealousy, that envy. This is even worse since my baby boy is showing, like he was the proof of some war I won against them, like I had tricked Dean, or won him ; like he was the price of some sick life lottery. They don't understand. He's none of that, he's just the love of my life... I didn't win him, and I certainly didn't trap him.

"I changed my mind" he just states looking at me.

           Then he ignores her. I can’t really do that but I try.

“So…” he catches my attention when the heartbroken waitress leaves to order our food. “John ?”

“We are not naming our son after your father Dean” she states stern. “Not happening.”

I smile and shrug.

“Well we are not naming him after yours either” I say and she laughs, nodding.

When she brings my food I look at it, hesitating. She might have spit in it…

           *******

           I hold my baby in my arms, my eyes on his little form, completely in awe, like I was floating in the clouds with him, Dean being the sun above us. His tiny hand squeezes my finger, his serene face on my chest. Another tear roll on my cheek.

I can’t stop looking between him and Dean, asleep on the chair. My poor baby didn’t sleep for so long, he just passed out a few minutes ago. I can already see so many resemblances between them : his plumb pouting mouth, the shape of his face, even his hands already looks like Dean’s.

           A soft sound of wings catches my attention, but I don’t even look up.

“He’s incredible” Gabriel says.

“He looks like Dean” I smile with my eyes wet.

“Yeah, but he took a lot from you believe me. Look at his navel” he says and I push the soft fabric a little to see the perfectly formed belly button.

“He’s going to be tall and strong…” the archangel says. “Can I ?”

I hesitated for a second but the emotion in his golden eyes makes me smile. He puts a hand on my newborn’s forehead and sighs with happiness.

“You have a splendid soul little boy… Angels are watching over you” he whispers.

“Not too much I hope” I grunt, taking him closer again protectively.

“I have a present for you, Y/n” he says. “You’re going to Heaven… When you… In a long time. You’ll be with Dean” he says and I start to cry.

“Thank you” I sob. “For everything…”

“Call me if you need me” he adds, serious, and I nod.

       *******

        I wake up in a sigh. The room is dark and warm, I can feel Dean pressed against my back, his cock half hard on my ass. He cups my breasts and I yawn.

“Hi angel…” he whispers, his breath hot on my neck.

“Hi love” I giggle when he pinches my nipple.

He pushes my leg a little with his strong thigh and his hand travel from my chest to my bare pussy. His index rubs my clit and I wiggle, getting comfortable.

“Can I ?” he asks and I hum, pushing back on his cock.

He kisses my neck and my cheek, his other hand keeping my chin slightly up.

“Shit baby…” I start to moan when his middle finger enters me.

“You like that ?”

“You know I do. A-another one, please, deeper baby…” I moan and he adds a finger.

Then the door opens slowly and he freezes. I try to stop panting.

           A little boy in a batman sleep suit enters, his thumb between his lips.

“Mommy ?” he calls, his big green eyes searching me in the darkness of the room.

“Yeah kitten ?” I try to sound casual.

He pushes his adorable messy blond hair out of his face.

“Where is Daddy ?” he asks with this slight lisp.

“I’m right here little bean, what do you want ?” Dean says close to me ear.

“Cookies…”

“Go ask uncle Sammy, mommy needs me to sleep with her a little more, then I’ll join you and we go out to play ball, okay little bean ?”

“Yeah but uncle Sammy’s sleeping…” he sighs, shrugging like he often does when thinks adults are silly.

“You can wake him up” I answer.

“Reaaaally ?” he jumps.

“Yeah, go ahead, climb on his bed” Dean says with a tender smile.

           And the little boy goes running.

“Jude !” Dean calls. “Close the door !”

Dean’s Pov

           I enter the library and Jude is drawing on Sammy’s lap. I kiss his head and sit next to him. He pushes me like he always does when he’s focusing on something, but I can see his dimples appear in a satisfied smile. My little bean really is smart, always having ideas and asking questions, he puts all his heart in everything he does. I watch as his cute little tongue appears between his teeth.

“What are you drawing ?” I ask and Sam chuckles.

“I have to draw my favorite super hero for school” he states.

“Batman again ?” I bend my head to look at the sheet.

“Nah…” he shrugs like I was saying something stupid. “Batman doesn’t have superpower ! I’m drawing mommy” he grins.

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[swimmingwolf59]

Until I Turn to Dust

(A/N) I can't believe it took me until my last fic to include Declan and Matthew smh It's been so much fun writing for pynch week this year!!!! The prompts were fun and it was cool to see what everyone else's takes on them were as well~ THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING, COMMENTING, AND PROVIDING SUCH AMAZING SUPPORT IN GENERAL I CAN'T THANK YOU ALL ENOUGH <3 You gave me the motivation I needed to actually sort of stay on schedule xD;;

I really hope you enjoy the final fic, and thank you so much again!! :')

P.S. The Script song I used for the quote and the title of this chapter is very pynch in my opinion, please check it out!!

I fell for you and I never got up

I stay here forever ‘til I turn to dust

Just take every minute make it last for life

24/7 baby 3-6-5.

-“The Energy Never Dies” by The Script

Every moment of his waking life, and often his sleeping one too, Ronan feels like he has accidentally stumbled upon happiness.

He never thought he would meet someone like Gansey, who sticks with him even through all of Ronan’s worst hours, who was and always will be the friend that Ronan has needed more than anything. He never thought he would meet someone like Blue, who challenges him every day for being an asshole by also being an asshole, something he didn’t realize he loves as much as he does until she came into his life. He never thought he would start to get along with Declan, that he would actually maybe look forward to the times when all three Lynch brothers can be together.

And most of all, he never would’ve thought in a million years that he would meet someone like Adam Parrish. Someone who is so bright and sarcastic, someone who was given the shittiest hand in the entire world and through pure grit and determination got himself to someplace better. Someone who can and dares to fight back with Ronan but then can also pick him out of the dust and remains of his worst fears and give him something to hold onto. He’s been in love with Adam for two whole years, and not once during that entire time did he think he would ever get to kiss him. That Adam would kiss him back. That Adam goddamn Parrish would say yes when he asked him out.

But he did.

It hits Ronan especially hard in the early hours of the morning, when he’s watching Adam sleep peacefully beside him, that he is so incredibly lucky to have stumbled upon this kind of pure and relentless happiness. Just earlier, Adam had let Ronan leave kisses all over his body, especially his hands, and he’d blown Ronan so hard that minutes after he could still see nothing but stars and Adam Adam Adam. Ronan learned that Adam looks gorgeous with sweat sticking his bangs to his forehead and with that tiny little smile that Adam saves just for him. Ronan also learned that Adam is extremely ticklish on his ribcage, something that he plans to take full advantage of in the future.

He feels blessed every moment that Adam Parrish has let him be this close to him, for allowing him to love him and to be loved in return. Ronan is closer to Adam than anyone else has been before, he’s pretty sure, and it blows his mind.

It’s literally the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

When he wakes up that Sunday morning, Adam is practically sprawled on top of Ronan—not an unusual occurrence, considering that Adam’s mattress is the smallest thing in the entire universe—and Ronan has never felt so content and happy. There’s drool drying on his shoulder where Adam’s head lolls and one of his knobby knees is digging uncomfortably into Ronan’s thigh, but he never wants to move again. Adam smells like his pine-scented aftershave and oil and his warmth against Ronan is perfect enough to make him think he died and went to heaven.

Because this would be his heaven – getting to lie in bed with Adam for all of eternity, drawing his fingers gently through his incredibly silky hair and admiring his beautiful hands.

There is no place he would rather be so he refuses to get up, even though he knows Declan and Matthew will be here soon for church and that he actually needs to put a suit on. Instead he entertains himself by counting the freckles on Adam’s shoulder blades. He keeps losing track and having to start over again, but he’s at ninety-three when someone knocks concisely on the door, rousing Adam.

It’s obviously Declan, so Ronan stubbornly remains in bed as he calls out, “It’s open!”

Declan walks in, scans the room for a moment, and then swears and puts a hand over his eyes. “Jesus, you didn’t warn me you were indecent!”

“I’m always indecent,” Ronan snorts as a very sleepy Adam rolls off him and nearly onto the floor in an attempt to get up. “Relax, it’s not like we’re naked.”

A blessing that only occurred because Adam had predicted last night that they would not be able to wake up and get dressed before Ronan’s brothers appeared. Ronan loves how right Adam is about these things.

“What time is it?” Adam asks between a loud yawn that gives Ronan an amazing view of his teeth and bruised lips.

For this first time in his entire life, Ronan kind of wants to skip church.

“Nine – Ronan should’ve been ready ten minutes ago,” Declan says irritably, hands on his hips.

“We’re above the church, it’ll literally take us ten seconds to get down there,” Ronan argues as he pulls himself off of Adam’s mattress and pokes around the room in search of his dress pants. He knows he brought them to Adam’s place last night, but he lost track of them in the heat of the moment.

“And yet we’re still going to be late!” Declan snaps.  

Ronan ignores him and, finally finding his pants, starts to get dressed. Matthew, ever the ball of sunshine and never one to be deterred by his older brothers’ bickering, dashes into the apartment and nearly tackles Adam to the floor in what must be a spine-crushing hug. “Adam, my man! Are you joining us today?”

“No, I have some homework to catch up on,” Adam says as he awkwardly pats Matthew’s head. The idea of church has always been a little bit uncomfortable for Adam, Ronan knows, but he’s pretty sure he’s the only one who picks up on the uncertainty in his tone. “Say hi to Ms. Bertha for me, though.”

Ronan snorts loudly. “Ms. Bertha! Everything’s always about Ms. Bertha.”

He doesn’t actually have anything against the old lady; she’s been kind to Adam, like secretly leaving food on his doorstep or bringing him clothes she convinces him no one else will take, methods that Ronan greatly approves of. It’s just that every time he talks to her now she asks him things like: “How is Adam today?” or “Are you treating Adam well, Ronan? That boy deserves the world.” And while Ronan agrees, it’s fucking annoying; he hates having to talk about his feelings for Adam, especially to other people. It’s embarrassing.

Adam, knowing all of this, just smirks at him. His bedhead and the still sleepy look in his eyes makes Ronan want to pounce him. “You jealous, Lynch?”

“No, why? Should I be? Didn’t know you were into old hags, Parrish.”

Adam throws a pillow at him, making Ronan snicker. Declan scoffs loudly and taps the expensive watch on his wrist impatiently. “As riveting as this old married couple bickering is, we’re late, Ronan!”

“Christ, calm the fuck down will you?” Ronan snaps back, irritably tugging his tie on. “I’m ready, I’m ready – it only took me like two minutes!”

“And yet you can still never bother to be on time!” Declan rolls his eyes before grabbing Matthew and pulling him out the door. “Come on then!”

Ronan’s about to follow, complaining all the way of course, when Adam suddenly grabs his shoulder. “Wait.”

“Can’t get enough of me, Parrish?” Ronan teases, leaning into Adam and wrapping his arms around his waist.

Adam rolls his eyes, but doesn’t gift Ronan with the satisfaction of an answer. Instead, he just starts fixing his tie, his long fingers making deft work of the shimmery fabric. “You’ve been going to church every week of your life and you still can’t tie your tie properly.”

“It’s a fashion statement,” Ronan retorts, deciding to be annoying by attempting to kiss Adam while he straightens his tie.

“You’re a menace,” Adam says, making Ronan cackle. But suddenly Adam is pulling him forward by his tie, leaving a firm kiss on his lips. Ronan stares at him in wonder, his knees starting to wobble at the suggestive smirk on Adam’s face. “You’re much more attractive when your tie is on straight, though.”

“…Why do you always do this when I have to leave, Parrish?” Ronan groans, reaching up to tangle his fingers in Adam’s hair as he kisses him desperately.

“You only ever dress up when you’re going to church – what else am I supposed to do?” Adam teases, but Ronan is about two seconds from deciding to wear a tie for the rest of his life.

He’s about to say this out loud, but Declan’s annoying voice hollers up the stairs, “Ronan! We’re missing the service!”

Ronan growls and kisses Adam one more time before retreating reluctantly. “My suit will still be on afterwards, Parrish,” he says as he pounds down the stairs.

When he looks back up, Adam is leaning on the handrail, grinning at him. His hair is a mess and he’s wearing nothing but one of Ronan’s tanks and his boxers and for the millionth time Ronan is almost drawn back upstairs. “I look forward to it, Lynch.”

Declan pulls him away before he can say anything more, and Adam’s words replaying over and over again in his head is the only thing that keeps him from growling at him for it. Matthew sidles up beside him as they walk into the church, quietly sitting down in a pew near the back, and whispers, “You two are cute.”

Ronan blushes, but he can’t respond to that either because the service has already begun.

The three brothers fall into silence; going to church is the only time the three of them are still and quiet around each other instead of yelling and roughhousing. Ronan tries his best to pay attention to the sermon, but more often than not he finds his mind trailing back to Adam. He wonders what he’s doing right now, if his eyebrows are furrowed in that cute little expression of concentration he has, or what his hands look like working right now…

Every time, he has to forcibly derail his thoughts before they become too graphic for the inside of a church.

When the sermon is over and the space becomes open for confession, Ronan gets in line behind Declan, like he always does. As he’s waiting in line, he thinks about how different of a place he’s in now. He’s spent most of his life hating himself for who he is, either because of his dreams or because of his sexual orientation, and now he has a boyfriend, one that he loves openly and with his entire being. Declan, Matthew, and some nice old ladies (including Ms. Bertha) that are friends of the family know about Adam and don’t shun them for it. It’s amazing to him. He’s in love with another man and no one has struck him down yet.

But he still hasn’t said it out loud. He’s introduced Adam as his boyfriend to a select few people, but he’s never said those three little words, or told anyone else in words how much he loves Adam. Though part of it is because he’s extremely bad at talking about his feelings, he wonders now if part of him had always been afraid that something terrible would happen if he said it out loud. If it would somehow ruin his happiness instead of expanding it.

He thinks of Adam’s sleepy little smile and wonders if it’s time to stop being silent.

He makes up his mind right as Declan comes out of the confession box and pats him on the shoulder. The touch could mean anything, and probably means behave yourself, but Ronan likes to think of it as encouragement.

Ronan shuffles into the confession box and sits down. He can see nothing but the grated window and it makes it easier to pretend he’s alone, even though he can hear the minister breathing on the other end. He takes a deep breath, rubs his hands over his buzzed scalp. Father Arnold is always patient with him, more patient than Ronan thinks anyone in his entire life has ever been with him, and best of all doesn’t push him to talk. They’ve had many confessions where they just sit in silence, Ronan either struggling or disinterested in saying anything. As he takes his time finding his words, he knows that Father Arnold knows it’s him. He always seems to know, even though it’s supposed to be anonymous. To be fair though, Ronan is probably the only person who has sat here for years, fighting with himself to say out loud what he hadn’t even let himself think until recently.

His second secret. The one he’s kept so locked up that for a long time he’d even kept it from himself.

Except, it’s no longer a secret: he’s told himself, and maybe even more terrifying he’s showed Adam. He showed him his deepest darkest secret, and by showing Adam he’d also shown Declan, Gansey, Blue, Matthew, Henry, and those old ladies.

And now, for the first time in a long time, Ronan has something to say.

“Father, I have sinned,” Ronan eventually murmurs, though it still takes him a while to force the words out. He takes a deep breath and clenches his fists at his sides as he continues, “But it doesn’t feel like I’ve sinned.”

Father Arnold doesn’t even sound surprised as he says, “And what is it that you did?”

This part is even harder to admit. Ronan has never uttered it aloud, not even to Adam. He doesn’t know how to form the words in his mouth. He has kept this secret for so long that it’s hard to tell, even though he wants to.

“I kissed Adam Parrish,” he finally blurts out, and he feels free, elated, terrified. Something tight in his chest throbs and releases and suddenly he’s free falling, open and unrestricted but with absolutely no idea where he’s going to land. “You know, the guy who’s renting the room upstairs? I kissed him and asked him out and he said yes. And Father, it’s the best goddamn thing that has ever happened to me.”

Realizing belatedly that he shouldn’t have used that particular curse in confession, he mumbles, “Sorry.”

Father Arnold is silent for a long time, silent for so long that the wide open space inside Ronan starts to close up again and suddenly he’s purely afraid that he fucked up. That Father Arnold will break his code and go out and tell the bigots at the church and they’ll be shunned and mocked. Adam could lose his apartment and God Ronan hasn’t thought this through at all…

“Being in love is not a sin, Ronan,” Father Arnold finally says, and the use of his name almost surprises Ronan more than the actual words. “Love is compassion, and compassion is what makes this world our Lord has created great. Compassion is what makes connections, brings you fulfillment, and improves the lives of yourself and those around you. You hold so much compassion within you Ronan that I’m sure it must be hard for you contain it, but it is never a sin. You have found someone that means the world to you, and that is okay, even if he is another boy. You will help each other and grow together, and I sincerely believe that that is a good thing. The Lord is happy as long as you are happy.”

Ronan has no idea what to say to that, his heart is pounding so hard he isn’t sure he can say anything at all, but before he can figure it out Father Arnold continues, “Are you happy, Ronan?”

“Yes, Father,” Ronan replies immediately, his fingers loosening their tight grip on his pants. “Adam makes me so happy that I don’t know how to handle it sometimes.”

“Then you are where you are meant to be, my child,” Father Arnold says, and Ronan can hear the smile in his voice.

He swallows thickly. “Thank you, Father.”

And then he practically runs out of the confession box because he needs to move, to expel the sudden elated energy that explodes inside of him. He ignores Matthew’s surprised expression as he runs out of the church, feeling wild and hyper. He wants to laugh, he wants to cry, he wants to roll on the grass and set the world on fire because he feels so alive. Everything is going his way for once and he feels like he doesn’t have to hide who he is or be afraid.

He’s never felt so light and free in his entire life.

Declan is standing outside waiting for them when Ronan crashes out of the church like a crazy person, and he jumps a little as he looks up from his phone. “Ronan, what the hell—?”

But Ronan ignores him too and pounds up the steps back to Adam’s apartment, not even bothering to knock as he barges his way in. Adam is sitting exactly where he imagined he would be, huddled over his desk, his eyebrows furrowed as his brain works out what appears to be a complicated calculus problem.

He looks up as Ronan enters, not even surprised. The soft smile on his face makes Ronan’s heart soar even higher. “Hey, you. How did it go?”

Ronan doesn’t bother to reply, he doesn’t think he can express the flurry of emotions in his chest, so he just runs over and scoops Adam up in his arms, holding him as tightly as he can and swirling him around in a circle. Adam lets out a surprised yelp, looking frazzled as he grips onto Ronan for dear life. When Ronan sets him back down on the ground, he frowns and presses the back of his hand to Ronan’s forehead, like he’s worried he has a fever. “Are you feeling alright?”

And Ronan laughs, because really, what a question.

“I’ve never felt better in my goddamn life,” Ronan says, and he leans in to kiss Adam breathlessly, pressing their foreheads together. “I love you, Adam.”

It’s the first time he’s ever said it out loud, and it feels like a giant weight is lifted from his back. He feels like he could run a marathon, swim across an entire ocean, pull at least ten things out of his dreams at once. Seeing the startled look on Adam’s face, though, he hurries to add, “I don’t expect you to say it back or anything, I just…I just needed you to know.”

For a moment Adam just blinks at him, but then he’s smiling a shy smile and Ronan can’t help but lean in and kiss him again. When they part, Adam draws a finger down Ronan’s jaw and whispers, “I think that’s the first time anyone has ever said that to me.”

This piece of knowledge makes Ronan angry and sad and everything in between, but instead of indulging these emotions he just kisses Adam’s good ear and whispers back, “Then I’ll say it as often as you need to hear it. You deserve to hear it all the goddamn time, Adam.”

“Oh God, please don’t say it that often, I don’t think I can handle that,” Adam laughs shakily, and he’s blushing as Ronan presses another kiss to his lips. That’s fine – he won’t be able to say it that often either, if he’s being realistic. He’ll just throw it in when Adam needs the reminder.

Or when he’s least expecting it. That blush is doing wonders to Ronan’s heart.

“Hey, Matthew’s done – are you two lovebirds ready to go to lunch, or—?” Declan says, walking into the room right as Ronan had parted his lips so Adam could sneak his tongue into his mouth. “Jesus Christ!!”

“Declan, please, we’re above a church,” Adam says, and Ronan drops his head down onto his shoulder as he dissolves into laughter.

Declan opens his mouth and closes it again about three or four times before throwing his arms up into the air and stalking back out of the apartment. Ronan chuckles and hugs Adam’s waist, swaying gently as he kisses his neck. “You know, we could go for lunch, or we could do something else, taking full advantage of my suit…”

“Hm, I’m actually pretty hungry though,” Adam says and to Ronan’s utter dismay steps away from him and walks to his desk, stuffing his wallet and keys into his pockets and heading out the door. Ronan’s still gaping at him when he turns around to face him again, raising an eyebrow. “You coming?”

“Never mind, Parrish, I take it back!” he shouts, but he obviously doesn’t mean it as he runs to Adam, leaving one last kiss on his lips before they walk down to Declan’s Volvo, hand in hand.

 --

A couple of weeks later they’re at the Barns, lazing around in the faint afternoon sunlight that lingers on the living room couch. Ronan is lying on his front, shirtless, and Adam is huddled next to him, absentmindedly tracing his tattoo with his calloused fingers. They’d been talking about meaningless things before and now are perfectly content to sit in silence, just appreciating the other’s warmth and presence. It’s a rare moment when Adam is fully caught up on work and school and Ronan wants to take complete advantage of it.

“Hey, you know?” Adam says quietly after a while. Ronan turns his head to the side to stare at him questioningly. But Adam just shakes his head and laughs to himself, pulling a hand through his sweaty hair. Ronan watches the action with way too much attention and interest. “Shit, that was the stupidest way to start this.”

Ronan is even more confused than before. “Just spit it out, Parrish.”

“I love you,” Adam blurts; his direct gaze on Ronan when he says it nearly shatters him. “I mean it – I’ve never been happier than I am when I’m with you, Ronan.”

“…Adam,” Ronan chokes, and for a horrifying moment he’s worried he’s going to start crying. He never could’ve guessed how intensely happy hearing Adam say that to him would make him, and he’s thus unprepared to deal with it. It hits him like a tidal wave and warms his entire body, leaving him shaking, ecstatic, and so very alive.

He tackles Adam, pressing down onto him as he hugs him as tightly as he can at this awkward angle. Adam laughs and wraps one arm around Ronan’s shoulders while using the other hand to caress the back of his head, his fingers automatically rubbing through the fuzz on top of Ronan’s head. “Ronan…!”  

“I love you too,” Ronan gasps, high from the way Adam had said his first name as he nuzzles into Adam’s neck. “God, I love you so fucking much.”

Adam laughs again, cutely embarrassed like he is every other time Ronan says it, and it just makes him love him more. “Careful, God might strike you down for saying that.”  

But Ronan knows God is chill with it, and that just seems to make today that much brighter.