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Second Best - Jungkook (part 3)
Summary: Being friends with someone who has your heart it’s already hard, let alone when that special someone ends up falling in love with your best friend, the one you think would never make anything to hurt you . Will you be able to ignore it and move on? what will happen when everything gets too much for you to handle?
Genre: Friends to lovers; angst; body insecurities; bullying; friend betrayel;
Pairing: Jungkook x female!reader
After Y/n's words, Jungkook looked deeply in her eyes “why would you say you wish? Y/n you are still young and beatiful. You have a life ahead of you. Did someone hurt you? If the answer is yes then let me tell you he’s a piece of shit and you deserve way better. But... who? I mean you are always so busy with your shifts and manuscript and I never saw you with anyone or talking about someone special, so I never thought... Wait, I'm sorry, that was rude. Of course you have a life above that all. I just hope the guy who made feel like that realizes how dumb he is. Do you wanna talk about it?” he said concerned and curious at the same time
Y/n looked at him and the only thing she wanted to do was to tell him how she really fel about him, but then she saw him again looking over to where Sewoon was. And with that she said “No Jungkook, it’s nothing. Nothing happened. I guess I've been single for so long I forgot how it feels like to have someone doing things for you, and you only. Why the fuck are we talking about sad stuff anyways?” she laughed but soon realized that he probably didn’t hear since he was looking at Sewoon, again.
“Go talk to her Jungkook. I’ll be fine. Go” she said with teary eyes. Which Jungkook didn’t notice, not when he didn’t even flinch leaving her there alone grabbing Sewoon gently by the arm and kiss her like there was no tomorrow. And surprise? Sewoon actually kissed him back, opening her eyes and looking at you just to close them once again and surround his shoulders with her arms.
Y/n was staring all the whole scene and suddenly started to feel her cheeks wet, turning around so no one would notice. But who would ? Everyone was entertained drinking, having fun and making out. She was the stupid one crying for someone who never loved her and had any interest in her. In the end she was responsible for this ache in her heart. Why create ilusions? Why put myself in this position only to be the one broken in pieces with absolutely no repair? She though.
How clould you think you'd be good enough for him
Trying to recompose herself she went to the bathroom, walking in there and cheking herself in the mirror saying “how ridiculous Y/n, congrats."
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Being there for a few minutes, when she was about to turn around she goes against someone. In panick, Y/n looks up to apologize but soon reconizes that face.
“Oh! I’m so sor- Lisa? Oh my- I’m sorry I was so lost in thoughts I didn't hear anyone coming in. Did i hurt you?”
“Y/N? Such a small world. I'm so happy to see you. No silly, I'm good. Was too distracted with my drink too. That and also trying to hide from this really annoying guy. How have you been? Lisa said, then stopped talking and slowly approached Y/n’s face “Hunny were you crying? Are you okay? Did someone hurt you?” Y/n looked at her, paused, took a deep breath, hugged her and sobbed so hard she thought she was gonna faint.
She doesn’t know how much time she spent crying in Lisa’s arms or when she started throwing up and feeling dizzy. All she knew was that she was so tired of pretending and hidding, as if she wasn’t allowed to feel. She thanks God to find Lisa in this party and being her in the bathroom and not Sewoon. And then flashbacks come back and the memory of him grabbing Sewoon and kissing her so hard makes you want to throw up again. And how Sewoon looked her in the eyes before embrassing Jungkook closer to her. Oh how you wish it could be you instead.
“Y/n are you here with someone else? Lets call it a night, I’ll take you home. Or do I need to take you to the hospital? You’ve got me very worried.” At this point Lisa was talking so fast Y/n tried her best to understand what she was saying.
“i’m good Liz, really. Got to much on my system i guess. And yes, I came with Sewoon but she’s a little busy right now and i don't want to bother her, but being home right now would feel so good”
“Sewoon? You’re still friends with her?” Lisa’s eyebrows frowned and she made a funny face. “Wanna talk about what really happened here? Because I bet my two dimes it wasn't the drink for shit”
Y/n looked at her, turned over to face the mirror to get herself together for the second time that night and said “Tell me again why weren’t we close in highschool?” she laughed. “ It’s a pretty long story, are you sure you have time?”
“Ohh girl please. I’m so tired of this party that I'd use anything as an excuse to leave. Tell your little model friend that you’re going home. You have five minutes, more than that I’ll be the one getting you and it won’t be pretty. Meet me at the exit door. Times ticking”
As Y/n started leaving the bathroom she deep breathed and tried to see where Sewoon and Jungkook were so she could inform them she was leaving. As she was about to reach the bar someone grabbed her arm a little too rough.
“Hey beautiful. Haven’t seen you around here before. Shall we dance or you’re the type to have a drink first?” Y/n’s mouth dropped to the floor. She never been through this before. Usually would be Sewoon the target, not her, and for that she was feeling uneasy and the worst part was she didn't have anyone around to give her a hand. Fuck, could this night get any worse?
“I’m sorry but I'm trying to find my friends. You seem very nice but I really am not in the mood to dance or drink” she tried to remain calm while saying this but became a little nervous when she saw the guys face change after getting rejected. All of the sudden there was someone else grabbing her avaiable arm and getting in the middle of her and the man in front. Took her a while to figure that in front of her was Jungkook, but not the one she was used to, no. This Jungkook seemed pissed, she could notice just by the way he was holding her.
“Didn’t she tell you no? Are you deaf or the word respect is not in your vocabulary? Leave before things get ugly” Y/n never saw Jungkook like this. Maybe it was the drinks he had. Or did he fight with Sewoon after that kiss? You doubt it since they were so invested in it. The stranger raised both his hands in surrender while looking at them and started retreating. After he was gone Jungkook turned over to Y/n looking mad.
“Are you okay? Where were you? You disappeared and none of us could get a hold of you. And now I see you up close with this guy? The fuck is the matter with you?” You looked at him perplexed. Never in the time you met him he had talked to you like that
“I went to the bathroom and ended up talking to some girls there. Not that it concerns you since you left me all alone at your first chance so you could swallow Sewoon’s face infront of everyone. Seriously Jungkook, you’re the one who needs to get a grip. You didn’t have to meddle like that. I’m an adult, not a kid who needs to be told where she should be or who to talk to”
Jungkook definitely wasn’t expecting this outburst of Y/n and let her go but still looking at her. For some reason he got hurt by her words. She never scolded anyone like that, even when he would annoy the shit out of her. While he was thinking about what had just happened, Y/n spoke
“I’m actually glad to see you. I was looking for Sewoon but since you’re here can you tell her I'm going home? I’m tired and got a ride home. Can you pass her the message?” Jungkook was so surprised that Y/n was giving him an attitude that he was speechless. “Jungkook are you listening? Can you pass the message?”
“Yes. Yes sorry. I dont know where she is, i mean.. After we kissed I- I kinda needed some air and was going back to the bar but you weren’t there anymore and i went looking for you and lost sight of her. I- “he took a deep breath “did I do something wrong? You're being so harsh with me. Is it -”
“I’m tired Jungkook and I have someone waiting for me outside. Give her the message for me, don’t forget. Please” she started walking to the exit door but stopped, sighed and completed “Don’t get too drunk tonight and get home safe. Goodnight Kook. Take care.” And like that she was out of his sight, but not out of his mind. What was that? and why does he feel so bad?
After watching you leave, he went to the bar and asked for the strongest drink. Never did he expect to end the night like this and he needed this night to be gone.
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Tags: @esposadomd @joonlover1207 @eegyo @furrywonderlandwolf @minghaosimp
#jungkook bts#jungkook imagines#jungkook#bts imagines#imagine junkook#bts#jungkook x reader#jungkook x you#jungkook angst#jungkook romance#kpop angst#love#slowburn#friends to lovers
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“Focus!” (j.jh)
015. contract? warnings: swearing, kind of short (srry in advance, studying gives me writers block)
Friday was dragging on, and for Y/n, every second felt like torture. She walked through the hallways of the building with Ten, venting her frustrations. ''Seriously, I run into him everywhere'' said Y/n, tossing him a knowing look.
''You’ve gotta stop giving it so much importance. How many times have I told you that? You still haven’t learned, have you?''
''Yeah, yeah, I know...'' Y/n groaned. ''But every time he walks past me, he huffs like I'm bothering him just by existing. And, I swear, it makes me wanna spin his head like in The Exorcist.'' She said it so deadpan that Ten burst out laughing.
''Sorry! It’s just... you said it with such a straight face, I couldn’t help it.''
''Alright, enough'' she muttered, rolling her eyes ''I just don’t get why he’s wandering around the building all the time. The only thing he needs to do is show up for the photos and leave. That’s literally it.''
They kept walking until they reached their office. Y/n stopped and turned to Ten. ''Oh, and remember, Ash is coming in...'' she checked her watch. ''In about two hours. We need everything set up by then so we can go over the plan, mkay?''
''Yes, ma’am.'' Ten straightened up with an exaggerated salute, making her snicker. She reached for the doorknob, but the door wouldn’t budge.
''Ugh, this fucking lock! I swear it’s out to get me'' she grumbled, twisting and pulling the handle to no avail ''No... not again.''
After a bit of struggling, the door finally clicked open.
''Okay, seriously, I need to get this shit fixed...'' she muttered with a half-smile. But before she could say anything else, a familiar voice cut through the moment.
''Yeah, you should fix it. Don’t you think?'' Y/n froze on the spot. Standing right in front of her was Jaehyun, calm as ever. He looked at her briefly, then added, almost casually: ''And, by the way... in case you didn’t know, Im kinda sealing a deal with your brother, that's why im roaming aroung as you say.''
Without waiting for a response, Jaehyun turned and walked off, leaving Y/n and Ten standing there, too stunned to speak. After a beat, Ten turned to her ''Girl... we’re so fucked.''
Ten opened the door and found Y/n looking at him with eager anticipation. She hurried inside.
''Come on, spill the tea!'' Y/n said, grabbing Ten by the shoulders and lowering her voice since there were staff members wandering around.
''I overheard Ash and Jaehyun talking'' he paused, and Y/n raised an eyebrow ''Ash was laughing about something Jaehyun said, and it was loud enough that I thought everyone in the building would hear'' Ten continued, waving to a passing staff member.
''And then what?'' Y/n asked, clearly interested.
''Then Jaehyun hugged her, like, by the shoulders and whispered something in her ear, but I couldn’t catch it'' Ten said, mimicking the scene, which made Y/n frown. ''And that was it.''
''Seriously, Ten, if you were sent to rob a house, you’d probably knock on the door first'' Y/n joked, smacking her forehead in mock frustration.
''What do you want me to do? I can’t just creep around and spy on them!'' Ten protested, but before Y/n could respond, someone called out.
''Hey! Y/n, how have you been? Long time, no see!'' It was Ash, who rushed over and pulled Y/n into a tight hug. Y/n felt a bit awkward at Ash's enthusiastic greeting because she was really calm and collected, y/n hugged her back, stealing a glance at Ten, who looked just as baffled. Ash pulled away and grabbed Y/n’s hands. ''I’m so excited to work with you again!'' she exclaimed, and without waiting for a reply, turned and dashed off, leaving Y/n with a mix of confusion and amusement.
''What the fuck'' mouthed Y/n looking at Ten who had the same confused expression.
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prev//next masterlist.
Angie's note: sorry in advance for this shitty chapter (my brain is fried from studying) hope you liked it and dw, i'll update again in a few hours <3 love u! don't forget to take care of yourselves and drink tons of water <3<3
Taglist: @apolloxxivmin @milanco @sibwol @neocupidd @minkyuncutie @miniature-tragedy @tenjyucat @aerivrs @chan-yeoldelling @cryingforjae @kukkurookkoo @kodasity @injunnie-lemon @thegracerammy @livingdoll-hara
#nct#nct127#nctdream#nctimagines#nctau#nctsmau#nctu#jaehyun#jungjaehyun#jaehyunnct#jaehyunau#jaehyunsmau#johnny#johnnysuh#johnnynct#johfam#johnnyau#johnnysmau
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I AM BEING FORCED TO ROLEPLAY AS SCYTHE FUCKING GODDARD FOR MY SCHOOLA SISIGNMRNT CAN SOMEONE END ME PLEASE END ME NOW
#CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME?? LIKE GIVE ME SOME POINTERS#arc of scythe#only talking about the first book btw I forgot literally everything else#IVE ANNOTATED HIS CHARACTER FRONT AND BACK BUT LIKE DESPITE ALLAT IM STILL REALLY SHIT AT ROLEPLAY#also I SUCK at 0aying these sorts of villains if he was creepy that’d be a different story but he’s just pompous#and greedy and sadistic and power hungry like YEAH he is KIND of creepy but not like. captain beatty#weird comparison but *vague hand gestures#scythe goddard#I actually think it’s really interesting how both he and scythe curie glean for the sake of solving stagnation#it’s just that scythe curie gleans handpicked stagnant people whereas#goddard thinks that EVERYONE is stagnant thus he feels the need to not only glean them but traumatize them as well#‘’remind them of their mortality’’ or whatever bs I CANT ACTUALLY TELL IF HES BEING GENUINE BUT#THATS WHAT I GOT FROM HIS JOURNALS#who knows maybe that’s just an excuse to end lives excessively ugh he’s such a#I don’t wanna say shallow character? but. but#SOMEBODY HELP ME? PLEASE?#I WANNA GO BACK TO F451ING
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lovedrunk by epik high will save me
#saiint speaks#idk im in a mood. im in a funk.#thinking about the trajectory of my life and thinking wow i really dont care abt any of this#i just wanna sit around writing dumb shit for the rest of my life#noble cause ig. but damn.#not everyone is made for greatness and thats fine. i just dont know what else to do.#oh well. cubito fanfiction it is. im making them experience emotions rn <3 if anyone was curious <333
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who knew that some agere people would be the worst type of people to exist (talking about you spinny)
#dont get your toddler army to do your anon hate and unblock me on discord if u want to talk#ik you act like a baby and thats fine but if youre bold enough to try to get me paranoid (and fail) then u should be bold enough to dm me#yknow without hiding yourself#either do that or leave us alone girl!! move on#like why do you preach about moving on to a new era and then actively seek out trouble ????#get a job or something#trying to make me think my bf is cheating on me is such a weird thing to do and a big low for you spinny. it's actually sad#the worst part youre not even good at doing it. youre making shit up from what you THINK you know & hiding behind ur friend#its okay to fall out of friendships and im not even trying to meddle with your life but you are literally actively seeking out problems#and thats so pathetic. especially when you paint yourself all high and might over us ??? clearly we tried everything for you#until we got to a point where we were literally drowning because we have other shit in our lives too#you keep losing friends and complain about it. maybe consider why??? because of lack of communication and empathy!! youre just mean!#especially to those who've always tried so hard to have your back and defend you! (buka and me!!!)#yet you didnt care. you dont communicate and expect us to read minds & you demand things#and u say that a real friend should know when to reach out & ya but when it gets to a point where i feel like im drowning? no thanks#im prioritizing myself and my mental health im sorry#not to mention i was ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE IN YOUR BULLSHIT#so grow up. actually. and if you wanna dm me then unblock me and we can talk#if you want to keep hiding behind your toddler friends acting like youre all small and sweet and babies then go ahead but leave us alone?#at least ill have closure and finally come to terms that you're not rlly a good person and u use your illnesses to excuse ur behavior#because i still think about you and wish you were our friend but after everything thats happened (this being the cherry on top for ME)#then maybe you really just are a shitty person and you do more harm than good#soz to everyone else reading this just continue scrolling LOL#its drama cus an ex friend is sending their toddler militia on me for some reason???#delete later
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Any men out there wanna pretend to be my bf to get my parents off my case about marriage? I am so so serious right now.
#my mom gave me a really really lonf lecture and upset me because her and my dad want me to start thinking about settling down ans getting#married. again. cos this comes up all the time. ans I reiterated that i do wanna marry and have kids. i know im 26 years old why do they'#think im also not aware of this??? like i suddenly forgot my own age and have my head in the clouds all the time. and i got so heated cos i#said they only believe in that in theory. in reality neither of them have accepted the idea od my leaving home or the idea of mw being with#a man. and they start freaking out if they even find out i talk to them so to say they want me to get married is so fucking naive#ans when i mentioned this and that they're more than ok w mt brothers talking tp women she said that if i wanted to settle down she could#talk to dad and they could “go about finding someone for me” and I've never been so pissed#i got so upset. why does everyone keep saying this to me. as if anyone my dad knows could ever be a half decent man#and the truth is they don't care if im in a happy marriage they've accepted that i won't be they only care that im gone and saving face in#front of family. that's all. it's always reputation it's always “what will people say?”#not once did love come up. not once did shw even imply that i should marryfor love#or that they hope i love someone and marry them. because they're more happy with the idea of me marrying for the sake of it than#they are at the idea of me finding genuine lovw#im not a fucking broodmare im not here to push out babies for the sake od reputation.#and then i said nor being married isn't the end of the world and she said “it's important that you settle down”#and i said im unwavering in my principles. she can call mw high maintenance like she loves doing but I'm not wavering on the#kind of man i want to be with and when i do marry him i want it to bw genuine. because be loves me and vice versa not because im ticking off#somethin from a damn checklist to appease them. and if being unwavering on my principles means staying unmarried then so be it.#my obligations are to god and myself and that's it#and y'know what??? i am in love with a boy already#and yet they don't care that i wanna be in love at all. no im just a puppet to follow a certain narrative in life live according to evergone#else has and that's it.#im done.#and then she tried to apologise by getting me a slice of cake and that somehow made me feel worse.#i dont want an apology. i want to be heard and actually listened to for once. i want someone to ask what i want. to actually give a shit#and love me cos it's me. not cos im some thing to further an agenda. or some toy or puppet that does your bidding.#is it so much??? to just want to be loved in return? to marry and live according to how i want to?? ans not want anyone to make these#decision's for me?#ruined my whole day.
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Oh to be Suzanne Collins and have little social media presence and to write a book regarding whatever current societal trend is bothering her at the moment.
#i am feeling. bothered. this weekend#i am hanging out with my wealthy cousins for their bridal shower--thank christ they are not asking me to bring anything--and tired#everyone always talking about their accomplishments and im liek... pls im wanting to go back to my boyfriend and cat right now#everyone asking what i'm doing for work--because that's all ppl seem to care about in this goddamn family--and i have to say#'i'm looking for something else'#like yoo i already lied a whole year about freelancing when really i was attempting to freelance but not getting anywhere#like i was all 'oh i make x a month just workig on my computer!' when really i was making diddly squat#end this fucking generational cycle of lying about yourself because you have to prove to everyone you are ok#i want the suzanne collins life where i can do my writing hobby without putting this fake social media persona on where i police my thought#and only post about cutesy happy things (since my genre is cozy fantasy; i have no intelligence to write anything more complex#and no passion to write anythign other than sf/f#BUT SHOUTOUT TO MY COUSIN'S HUSBAND WHO ASKED IF I READ AND MENTIONED THE WHEEL OF TIME SERIES AND MY NEURONS ACTIVATED LIKE 'HAVE YOU HEAR#OF PRATCHETT AND BRANDON SANDERSON AND GAIMAN? I CAN GIVE YOU RECS#but other than that i have to deal with my aunts bragging about their kids#one of my aunts is kind of colder and i always got this weird vibe from her like i had to earn her love which... ok. whatever. i also think#she considers me very dumb#the only bright side to any of this shit is im not in college anymore thank christ#all my cousins who are in college still have this... 'energy' around them#you know? that 'wanna kms low key but im pretending to smile and laugh' energy#delete later#tw family
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We got so high the only memories of a very long complex important conversation (one-sided entirely more of a rant) between CB and 🐙 look like... this
See more rant in the comments ☆ I lost control!
#just happened already forgot#tide hand possession but not fully boo#you can only be here becAUSE I ALLOW IT insert danphant image here#the only thing i remember about my rant already is#i want to know why im the stagehand i am#i cannot be complete#i know why i am the clown that i am#somrthing i gave t shit for#and then i#i realized i am also incomplete in a different way#also everyone needs to give less of a shit#bECAUSE#Oh he really remembers now#the people that will love us will love us in our entirety and Nothing Else Matters#i dont care about what anyone thinks because i know that#i know the only people who deserve me are people who can love me in my entirety#monster teeth and all#i hope this makes it sink in for the others in the long run#in my complexities are beauty and in your complexities are beauty and isnt it wonderful how intertwined it all is#the rest... the rest is just noise#stuff to fill the space#things to trigger thoughts or feelings in my mind#you could call that a friend#but that feels like a disservice#they said if i wanna keep going i need to move to a post instead of the tags for my high ranting#and i will surrender to reason#they speak#and you know what#mental illness
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.
#tag talk#I feel good cause a new friend at work said something about how my boyfriend hasn't talked much to him since meeting me#And I was like uh oh I do not want to be that bitch#and I know he's been trying to organize some kind of game might and I was like rip you can't get him to play stardew valley with you#and I don't like stardew valley so I was like hey what about minecraft? because if I get them playing together on a realm then It's fixed#so anyway now I might have a new server and friend group to play with and hopefully I'll be less in the way of the preexisting friend group#because I'm really conscious of when I'm the reason stuff goes poorly so I don't wanna be a reason friends don't hang out anymore.#cause that shit sucks. jealous girlfriend type can go die I ain't about hogging people I don't feel good about it.#I just want everyone to get along and be friends#I'm putting in the work to learn bedrock mechanics. that's how committed I am to this. I hate variations on an established base.#it's the autistic in me for sure. I loathe multiple versions of songs. there can only be one true version. one right answer. all else is bad#so the slight discrepancies between bedrock and Java drive me absolutely nuts bonkers up the wall#I read a really good twilight fanfic and it rewired my brain and now I'm forever mixing up which is cannon and which is fanfic#because my brain immediately booted the version I preferred less and installed the new fanfic version as the correct right version#anyway. I'm hunting tutorials that actually explain the mechanics and taking notes so I know how to adjust the designs for aesthetics#because you need the minimum mechanical base to work before you can ad lib a building style and design onto the structural framework#I figured out the iron farm mechanics so tomorrow I think I'm gonna work on gold farm stuff. and redstone I just want to learn myself
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#okay I'm talking in the tags of this post cause shit is happening in my life and I gotta talk about it somewhere#one part of it is my step brother crashing and burning before my very eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop his own destructive actions#so it's just me watching this poor kid ruin his relationships and blame everything and everyone around him as he does so#despite the fact that he's undeniably been treated horribly at times- he's just turned that anger back onto others and himself#and I have no idea what to feel as I watch him get arrested. have drug problems. because I'm just waiting for the inevitable spiral#it doesn't help that my mom has been comparing us and saying that I'm the much better child and she wishes he was like me#not understanding that I could’ve been him if I was just more angry at the world at that age instead of being so sad and scared#and that leads me to my fucking mom cause like- I love her. we've been through alot of bad shit with her#I've almost done some really bad shit for her and I know that she loves me more than anything else#but it feels like its been getting more and more suffocating cause I'm not sure she's able to start seeing me as an adult#and start loosening her grip around me and let me breathe. to have my own experiences without her by my side#to be able to go places and imagine a future without her constantly by my side#she talks and it's like she doesn't even think to wonder that perhaps I want to form my own experiences#and experience the world on my own terms because I feel like I've spent my whole life having so little damn control#religious family. shit and neglectful father who turned into the exact opposite and nearly killed me. family who refuses to listen and talk#having to move and run immediately. put survival above all else. go to school. get out. and god I just wanna breathe#she loves me so much and I love her too. but I feel like I'll be sooner crushed if I stick here for long enough#I'm just mad that my life has been nothing but absolutely no love. sudden waves of intense love. absolutely nothing. sudden spike#and I feel like I'm just finally starting to form good. healthy relationships on my own terms and actually make friends#because I had no idea what I was doing when I was a kid cause I was so fucking lonely and hurting#now I just. gotta figure out how to tell my mom that I can't carry this expectation that I'll continue to stay forever by her side#it just feels like I'm her child first and a person second. and it sucks. it really sucks.#ough. spins and spins and spins and spins-
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i have bad melted soup brain today and i hate it
#i have never really felt like just disappearing off of the face of the earth and not talking to Anyone before but i have been thinking of it#a lot today! which is wild bc not my normal isolation thought but today it seems good ahahahaha#i am just. tired. i feel like i am not listened to ever and i feel unwanted as hell lately which i know in the back of my mind i am not#unwanted but boy do it feel like that lately lol. and i’ve been back on my ‘im gonna die alone bc nobody ever will love me how i love them’#bullshit which i have Not missed but it is come back full on ! soooo fun for me hahahahahaha i love to feel miserable about being unwanted#by those around me!!!! love it sooooooooooo much weeeeeee i totally don’t wanna slam my head through a window!!!!#also just in general lately i have felt like people talking to me is a chore to them bc nobody around me has been having actual conversation#it’s all been shit ass one word or one sentence replies from everyone or they talk about what they want and not acknowledge what i said and#i don’t even know what to do about it. i just don’t even want to talk to anyone now bc i feel like they literally don’t want to speak to me#and they don’t care what i have to say clearly bc they don’t pay attention and then bring up what i said says or weeks later like i never#said anything and it’s like hm wow yeah i fucking told you about that??? maybe if you pay attention you’d have known that but it’s fine !!!!#I’m just. tired of it. i am fully understanding of everyone having lives and doing their own things they need to do. but this is like. fr#different. like it feels so much different than that and i don’t get it and i don’t know what to do !!!!!!! i feel like i’m going Nuts#anyways if any of you wanna stick me through a meat grinder i would be forever thankful and you have the rights to take anything i own after#what this boils down to is my autistic ass is like everyone is not doing their normal thing!!! everyone is off their normal talking schedule#with me!!!! this must mean they fucking want me dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bc they went off script/pattern and not in a way they have in the past#that indicated that they just are struggling to reach out! this is different and bad and they want you out of their life!!!!!!!#which is ridiculous but what the fuck am i to do about it bc i will be thinking this until i basically am told otherwise by these people. so#that’s soooo much fun i love brains they’re so silly i wish i could jump at a wall and stick to it until i just slowly peel off and onto the#floor. anyways. hope everyone else has a good night
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What material gain do we have an LGBT community? Do you ask trans peopel what they materially gain from exclude cis people? Do you wonder why we have gay spaces?
It is BECAUSE of the current politcial landscape we should stop catering to our oppressors. Because a cishet person who happenst o ont feel sexual attraction demanding lgbt space, resources, support is in fact an oppressor.
Who is the real bitch here? The cishet making demands of those they oppress or the oppressed?
I said it in the tags last time but comparison answers don’t do much here because the question I’ve been asking is specifcally about ace/aro ppl in relation to the community. I wanna know what exactly excluding those specific people provides for the community. What resources, space, and support are they taking? I want to know the real negative impact they specifically cause that makes this amount of vitriol valid to you. Does it matter if you can’t even answer that without making comparisons to other members of the community? Is it that serious if you can’t provide physical issues they’re causing that’s not a vague “they’re taking resources.”
And not to be mean but if you’re the same anon you’re still very clearly the bitch here like between you getting that mad and a hypothetical “resource thief” I think the answer is lowk obvious
#i do have an opinion on the whole the community is everyone who’s not cishet thing#like Idk maybe I’m stuck in the past but I think the history#especially outside of the US#when it comes to exclusion involving kink race body shape etc.#i think that’s what’s made me jaded to exclusionary shit#like imo if it’s not physically targeting people irl I don’t think it’s deep enough to be this pressed#i was really ready to like form an opinion and I’m gonna research it regardless#but this interaction specifically just feels like ‘no kink at proud’ ‘no more trenders’ ‘neopronouns ruin everything’#like i need to know why it’s that deep#matter of fact I don’t care what ur fighting against I wanna know what ur fighting for#how does the exclusions of ace or aro ppl uplift the community#oh and i was searching shit up and that post about ‘we don’t wanna see how much people hate us’ came up and I think if this person is too#pussy to come off anon imma just put my opinion in a post instead of a direct response#like that post was about trans women but also if I were in the position of what we were talking about I wouldn’t wanna see all that either#so like sorry anon u prolly lost ur feature 💔#but yeah back to that thing I AM gonna research on this I wanna see if I can find like. essays or articles or smth as opposed to posts#and i always love reading on queer history so i wanna see if i can find shit from the past#but like i don’t think this person is gonna convince me sorry u wasted ur time anon#but the language and rhetoric u use is way to kalvin garrah esque for me imma just go find what I wanna find somewhere else 💀#i feel like I don’t know enough about convos across different labels since I’m personally unlabeled#like It was those notes that made me realize I have no idea what’s going on and I can excuse ignorance but I can’t excuse willful ignorance#so Imma hit them books 💀#if anyones got anything useful tentatively asking for it#but actually after this I think imma hold off on community response or whatever I got it#OH and to make it clear those questions up there are not at all rhetorical or sarcastic that’s shit I genuinely ask myself all the time#like that’s genuinely what I want an answer to adress#but beggars can’t be choosers and all that#except I literally Can the internet is at my fingertips#i am not fixing those typos
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I need to uproot my entire life and start from scratch or I’m gonna go insane
#‘haha funny joke post’ excpet…. not really#I’m coming to the realization that I am just Not happy where I am and I don’t think that’s gonna change so long as I’m here#and that’s why I keep spiraling into intense depressive episodes when I haven’t done that since I last lived with my mom#part of it is my job I hate it and it’s draining the life out of me and they’re working me into the ground#I literally can’t even take time off because they don’t allow it until you’ve worked there for a year#but also there’s no BETTER job opportunities here#and I finally decided what I want to go school for but also there’s no schools here that offer it…#the closest one is in my home town four hours away as some sick fucking cosmic joke#and I’m so…. so lonely#I feel so disconnected from literally everyone around me#I know my friends care about me and I’m important to them#but again it’s that sense that I will NEVER be the most important thing in their life someone else will always be that#I mean… I’ve never EVER been the most important person to someone before someone else has always mattered more than I have#which especially sucks when I feel like I only know HOW to be close with someone in an extremely obsessive way#where I would do anything for them but that’s not necessarily returned#but… I just think it would be nice to have a relationship with someone where the entire time I’m like ‘yeah but they would never do x thing#for you because they already have a person they would do that for’#(said person usually being a romantic partner)#and I’m just… tired#I’m tired of it and I want it to stop I want to be somewhere I don’t constantly feel like shit and go through frequent periods I wanna kms#and I think I’m gonna have to move for school anyways so…. So what if I really DID just start over somewhere else#I worry I might end up in the same rut but also I’ll never know if I don’t try#and I’m not happy here I don’t think I WILL be happy here I just want to live with/close to someone where I feel like I’m a priority#and my wants and desires are treated like something just as important as theirs#I dunno… maybe I am just in another really bad depressive episode again but….#I feel like I need to change something to avoid falling back to everything and everyone I normally do#kaz rambles
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REALLY awful few days for me.
#things are just bad in my brain. all the fucking time. allll the fucking time.#i don't know i'm just really struggling. i just keep making up new bad ways to think about myself#i feel like such unbelievable shit about everything it's becoming impossible to get anything done#or like be around anyone#i just wanna sequester myself and hide and cry and hurt myself and not have to talk to anyone ever again#or like. make anyone else talk to ME ever again.#i cant even begin to explain like im twisting EVERY SINGLE WORLD out of EVERYONES mouth to mean they hate me#even when theyre kind or neutral words from people who i know love me logically#its just everything. everything. is really just so bad.#and i fucking HATE MYSELF and existing as a person in my physical body is horrific and awful#i cant handle my brain and i cant handle my body so what is there left#hello world#irl don't look#anyway. i come from a long line of people who believe in things like flowers that grow in the cracks in the street
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I wish that I was more
#sad hours at the huskin bee#personal#graduating soon and the animation department is collecting photos of everyone in the drive#and seeing all these group photos of everyone in the program makes me realize how distant i am from them#and how close knit everyone else has become...#ive never been good at making friends and within like the first few weeks of school it was like everyone got to know each other#and the few friends i made in the program left after the first year#i wish my social anxiety wasnt so bad i tried harder to make friends in college#also i have an essay due on monday and i might just not do it#or itll be really half assed#ive been doing well so far in that class so if i dont do it i think the least id get is a C#idk maybe i can still make friends w these ppl after college somehow but itd still feel weird bc i had a completely different shm experience#than they had#ahhhh#i can imagine a future reunion where ppl will talk to be about old drama that was big among this giant friend group#that consists of most people in my year that ill have no idea what theyre talking abt#bc im never in the loop abt anything ever lol#this actually happened at my hs animation reunion except i actually knew and talked to most ppl in that class#i wasnt like super close to most of them but i had a few closeish friends#and i know one of those friends probably werent/arent in the know#also like i did hear abt relationship drama back in the day bc gossip spread p easily#anyways i was told completely new information abt someone getting stalked back then so thats wild#and apparently there was a super handsome guy in our class that i for some reason have zero recollection of#point is i be the last person to know something and if i know smth then everyone probably already knew#which is annoying. i wanna hear gossip too. even in my own family my sisters will tell each other and our mom about shit that went down w#their friends or our cousins and i only hear abt it when im in the room#so i end up hearing a lot but never directly and sometimes not in full#man i shouldve gone on more college field trips#shouldve done a lot more in life that my insecurities get the way of#tbh i genuinely think i might have a form of undiagnosed anxiety; tism; or some other mental disorder
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Congrats on sending that application!
THANK UUUUUU
#it was to a dominos and my partner is a gm in training at a different branch and i have over a year delivery driving experience#already and know Exactly How Low Their Standards Are so im not worried about getting it‚ mostly just that my brain will still be too mushy#to handle a job again#but i mean since it is just dominos and im only aiming for part time it hopefully shouldn't be too bad#and i do not care if they don't like me bc my resumes already pretty good as is i don't need a glowing review from dominos#esp bc i could just put my bf down as a dominos reference and theyd probably just Assume i worked for him and call him#instead of the store i actually worked at KWNDLABFKSBFJD#which is v good bc having seen a lot of what goes on behind the scenes on the manager side via my bf. i already know i am#going to cause problems LMAO#i have the Transgender Working In Very Liberal Area Right Next To Very Conservative Area Protection Aura#wherein the bosses here are So Very Scared of getting in trouble for bigotry and want to look sososososo woke. that i can get away#with being way more blunt abt when shit sucks lol#bosses don't really know what to do when The One Openly Transgender One directly calls out unfair expectations to their face#and to be clear i do mean liberal as in Liberal we're still very much in the North Idaho Splash Zone so like#open bigotry doesnt happen and the public will be on your side if it does. but boy do they know actually nothing about it#you know the type i mean kwbfksbfkd#like the best example i can think of is a couple ppl at my last job still she/her'd me long after i started passing as male#and me Being A Transgender™ had made the news rounds#and my other coworkers wouldnt correct them and would just he/him and they/them me back#which im fine w bc thats how my pronouns work is just. idk whatever you think‚ if you wanna she me you can just look dumb LMAO#but crucially 99% of my coworkers Didnt know thats how that worked‚ they just knew im A Transgender and look like a man#and that everyone else didn't use she/her for me anymore‚ so like an actually left place would rightly assume#they were doing it deliberately to be shitty and correct them‚ whereas here theyre just like. ah im sure they just havent noticed#since you went by she/her when you started here#and its like no i dont think the beard i grew halfway through working there went unnoticed actually#given that Thats When The Universal He Himming Started#im rambling again sorry for this word avalanche irt a simple congrats i got distracted JEBFKABFKSBFKDBFMD#anyways. tyvm it was stressful and i still dont want to do it but its out of my hands now so i have to follow through and at least give it#a try and i appreciate the encouragement‚ it rlly did make me feel a lot better just seeing the ask#gibberasks
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