#shouldve done a lot more in life that my insecurities get the way of

[butt-puncher]

I wish that I was more

[opal-owl-flight]

Quick lore question, did marie considering the idea of replacing 4 play into the insecurities she has later?

Absolutely.

I wanna preface this by saying one thing: Young 4 was a COMPLETELY different person before she got recruited by Marie. And Marie...responds to her accordingly.

Long read abt Hero2 events below!! Its. A lil messy sorry qisjke these are my notes

Young 4? A bitch.

Everything she ever wanted was given to her. Moved out of the highlands with an ego the size of a planet (and also bc she felt suffocated there), thinking she can make it in the big city.

...she struggled to make it alone. She had moved out bc her family was suffocating her with love, but now theyre not here, so now she feels homesick and underappreciated.

All that is expressed by her harsh, bitchy attitude. Shes gonna be mean bc no one has seen her for who she is. She'll show them!!

She finds her way around like this, and discovers that shes just as good at turf war here and at home. In fact, shes *so* good that she got the status of a rising star!

It aaalll just gets into her head. Shes "proven everyone wrong" now. Shes got the superiority complex and can back it up.

Marie...

...saw this. She was looking for a new agent to help find the missing zapfish. The second 4 heard this from her, she flexed her arms and...

"Look no further, your hero is RIGHT HERE!"

Marie at first adored the spunkiness of this new agent. Uuuntil 4 started thinking that shes better than her.

"Watch out, Agent Four!"

"You watch YOURSELF, grandma! Think Im a damn idiot to not see that coming? WAHA!"

Marie rolled up her sleeves after several stages full of her ignoring orders or sassing her out of nowhere.

Is that how shes gonna be? Fine.

When 4 finally trips and falls, hard, on a particularly difficult level, Marie pulls her to the side to fix her up and give her a lecture that tore her fucking ego to shreds.

She says something so fucking harsh like "That attitude will make SURE that you die sad and alone. I wonder how anyone puts up with you."

4s too hurt by her own failure to say anything back.

The reality of war finally gives her a reality check. Each victory is earned. its her life on the line. And the world.

She regains her spunk after saving the world.

------

Silly 4. She gets the job done but it takes a LOT of pushing in the mid-stages. Its like she got legitimately bored after the initial super easy ones, and thought the entire campaign a joke.

She went back to her turfing life topside between stages. And she takes a WHILE to come back to her missions -- usually late!! And then before she even goes in she just HAS to yak Marie's face off with what she was doing up there.

"Youre late."

"You shouldve SEEN ME, Marie!! I was carrying that Rainmaker round! I was-"

"Pray tell, Agent Four. How will you keep participating in turf with the Zapfish gone?"

"Whaat? Cmon. Nothing seems to be changing! Theres still power through the city!"

"The backup supply wont last forever, you know."

"Yeah yeah. Okay. Im here now. Wheres the next kettle?"

This attitude is from her high school days, clearly. She breezes by everything so fast that she can afford to do things last minute. It affects even this.

That, alongside her talking smack back to Marie, is what makes her snap at 4. Its what makes 4 stick to the mission fully starting late area 4 and area 5. (This is also around the time 4s life was threatened. God help me in those stupid platforming stages)

Post Hero2, 4 more or less does what 3 does. Shes the "replacement" til 3 comes back. (That cant be good for her confidence.)

At the same time, she has to deal with Callie and Marie talking out what the fuck Callie did with Octaria. "THEY SQUIDNAPPED GRAMPS!!!" and all. Why help them??? They get into squabbles where 4 was the unfortunate witness to. And peacemaker. It does NOT help that Callie for a while kept putting the glasses back on!!!

4 wishes so bad she had help of any sort. She feels 3 might be able to do something but what does she know?? Shes never met em!! She just imagines what the missing agent would do in that situation.

Callie...was also the person she got close to. Shes fun (unlike the stuck up Marie), shes empathic, she opened 4s eyes to the Octarian plight. It made her acceptance of 8 later much smoother.

Im not saying shes not close to Marie either, I bet they healed their relationship around this year too. Marie's sorry she tore 4s ego the way she did (even if deserved...). Marie's much more supportive of what 4s doing topside. Shes expressing her pride in the agent she found much more openly. (She brags abt her to Callie at times.)

The three of them heal together in that time. 4 sees them as older sisters Im p sure. Theyre both giving her tips for turfing and -- Marie even helps her with homework, HAH

And...while I say that 4 and Marie are in better terms, there are still days where Marie blows up on her. Lesser extent than before, but shes *worried* for her agent! (Its a similar plight 3 has.) In those times, its Callie who has her back. ("Hey! Its not like shes not trying!!" Callie understands how it is, and she also knows Marie best -- shes the one who makes 4 understand where Marie is coming from.)

[twisted-leader-of-something]

After hearing your rant about Vil, I kinda realized how his friendship with Rook was quite messed up. I mean, Rook himself was aware about Vil's envy and insecurity but has done nothing to fix his issues, instead lets him be until he gets worse and only springs into action when it gets Real Worse. Rook only consoles Vil at the end of the chapter, right after he voted for RSA and likely betrayed NRC. I get it, he does care for Vil, but heck if he truly cares for him....

Continuation: If Rook cares for Vil that greatly, he shouldve told him off more early before it gets worse since Vil likely listens to him, he just only lets him be and just stands there until the others tried to told him off. If I were one of Vil's closest friends (since I knew he never had any real friends other than Rook and Jack) I wouldve told him off even if he's stubborn to listen. Even if it hurts me that Vil would never listen. But Rook didnt, he thinks Vil would see it himself.

Continuation 2: I tried many times to tell people about their relationship but they think Im being a hater over their friendship, but I can see myself the bad points of their friendship. Its kinda like the friendship between Trey and Riddle, Trey ignored Riddle's actions due to sympathy but he only gets worse. There are no friendships that has a bad points and I think Vil and Rook had some bad points in their friendship.

I mean, I think this exposes that in a way, Rook and Vil’s relationship is one-sided emotionally until the near end of Chapter 5, which it seems Rook finally realizes his mistake in being so passive with Vil, like Trey did with basically enabling Riddle's behavior in Chapter 1. And you know what? I like that. I like how Yana showed that relationships are complicated, and misunderstands happen and working to fix it is the healthiest way to keep the friendship we have. 

I won’t lie. Rook’s mistake of thinking Vil can get over his jealously and insecurities by himself and only intervened when it got bad is definitely not uncommon, as I’ve experienced it, and even done it to others unknowingly. Based on their interacts at the end of Chapter 5, I don’t think Rook had bad intentions for Vil. I think he just fell into the trap of thinking Vil can learn to love himself if given time, which on paper for someone who was no idea how self-esteem works sounds easy. I remember a quote for a show called Fruits Basket that deals with a topic like this, 

“If you can’t learn to love yourself, pick something that is good about yourself and focus on it.” (Episode !8 of the remake of Fruits Basket is my source, probably not exact, but I hope it’s close.)

On paper, it sounds super easy to do, right? Just write down things you like and focus on it! 

But this naïve. If this was true, depression and mental illness wouldn’t be such a huge problem in society. Because all you’d have to do is sit down, write down something nice about yourself, remember it and then be like, “Oh yeah! I am pretty cool!” and bam! No more depression! No bad self image!

But, honey, that’s not how life works. 

Self-esteem and self image, despite their names, aren’t made solely by you. We as humans, are social creatures, and need interaction to function and be mentally okay. We depend on others for many, many things, and one of the most important things we need other people are for is interaction, and how people interact with us gives as an image of how we are. And, based off those interaction, we start to think of ourselves are certain way, wither good, or bad. And what’s worse, we as people internalize it and it’s hard to change the view of ourselves we have without serious change. 

And, low self esteem requires a lot for a person to get over, if they ever do. 

You need lots of support to get over your low self-esteem, you can’t just say, “Get over it. It’s in your head.”

That’s the problem. 

It is in your head, and it’s convinced you that you don’t matter. 

Your mind is wonderful, but it’s designed for patterns and it’s hard to break a pattern you’ve had for so long after making it a habit, and negative thoughts are easier to get to you over positive ones. 

So, you need people in your life who truly care for you to tell you that you matter to them, and you have a place in the world, even if it’s annoying to those who don’t get it, for us as humans, if we get that, over time it builds up and we learn to love ourselves, because someone else was said over and over and we want to see what they see because they say it’s great, so it must be, right?

For those who are having trouble trying to relate to what I’m saying because I’ve put in fancy terms, or you just don’t understand how a person can have low self-esteem, let me give you this:

Imagine you have a personal judgmental person who knows everything about you that always with you, and never, ever goes away, no matter what you do. It doesn’t have a reason for what it does, it just does it’s job. It always tells you, “Oh. You totally fucked that up.” when you make a tiny mistake or when you’re trying something new it goes, “You’ll never be good at it. Why try? Oh. You fucked up. See? No point in trying anymore. Just stop it.” and constantly reminding you of your past mistakes, and everything you’ve done wrong, and how you’ll mess up in the future. The more the judgmental person knows, the worse it gets for you, because it means it has more to work with. Others in your life can makes the judgmental person go away temporarily, or make the person worse depending on how they act, talk or even indirectly interact with you. 

This judgmental person is not something you’d want in your life, right? 

Low self-esteem is like that. 

It’s toxic to the mind over long period of time, and there are varying degrees of it. It if it’s pretty bad, it can be called what doctors call ‘Depression’, and there are varying states of depression people deal with. I have low self esteem, and deal with what’s commonly know as suicidal depression, meaning my depression, and by extension my self-esteem, is really, really bad, making me get to the point where my brain and body are kind of at odds with each other. Because my brain doesn’t want to keep me on the side of the living, but my body does keep me going, someway, somehow. 

Why does this brain vs. body thing happen? Well, there’s lots and lots of factor involved and even some philosophical stuff one can argue, but that’s not the point here. The point is that this judgmental person can get pretty bad, and it’s real, as I experience it. 

Why did bad self-esteem happen you, Selena? Because as a child, I didn’t feel important. While the details aren’t important because this isn’t about me and not the point, basically as a child, I felt that judgmental person always by my side because nobody told me that the judgmental person, was taking things out of context, ignoring my hard work and what I’m good at, and lying to me and stretching the truth. Even now, I have to tell myself that my judgmental person is a liar and only really cares for my attention, and I take medication to help me realize the judgmental person is a liar. 

Me, Vil and others have a judgmental person. You may not, in fact, you may have someone whose more encouraging, but due to how we grew up, we have a personal judge, while you have a cheerleader, if that makes sense to you. 

I think Rook thought Vil could solve his self-esteem problem on his own. Since Vil was aware of the problem, Rook thought Vil could fix it. But, I think seeing Vil Overblot because he nearly killed someone, Rook realized Vil can’t do it on his own, and needed help to get his self esteem on track to getting better. Because, he clearly didn’t have the relationships he needed to support him, hence his behavior. So, in a way, Rook’s lack of help for Vil also negatively effected Vil, and the people around Vil by extension.

Just like Trey turned a blind eye to Riddle’s controlling behavior out of pity, and therefore, making the problem worse.

Hoping in Chapter 6 we’ll see Rook and Vil’s relationship get better, but we’ll see.

[1990jeevas]

I love it when people talk about things they're passionate about, tell me something cool!! Anything you want, just something you find interesting or want to talk about :D

hello anon my beloved, I am in a bad mood so you will be receiving a passionate, yet lowkey of pissy rant about why villainizing bakugou makes me wanna vomit and its NOT just because I'm a dumbass kinnie :)

tws: child abuse (emotional and physical), near death expierences, bullying, kidnapping, suffocation, lots of trauma in general tbh. if you've seen bnha then basically just keep all the general triggering plot stuff in mind incase i missed any warnings

also, note: I havent caught up on bnha in a minute, I'm at like the start of the war arc but I barely remember shit there tbh so like. probs missing new stuff. also bnha spoiler warnings lol

so, for starters, the homie bakugou has like,, a good handful of issues that come from his childhood that explain why he's an ass. he was always praised and never actually reprimanded for being a twat which led to him having a huge ego that ended up fucking him over majorly. this ego was something that his mother acknowledged him having, but literally didnt try to fix it with anything other than violence. see here:

like, instead of trying to help him, she hits and insults him, which is probably what led to his weird inferiority/superiority complex. being constantly told by others that you're outstanding and one day you'll be a top hero because you're rude and aggressive and then going home and being hit by your mother for those exact same behaviors is bound to fucking confuse a child.

so like, now that we've established that its definetly canon that his mother (parents? I think he said parents at some point but masaru doesn't seem like the type so 🤷) hits him though we don't know how much or how often (though if bakugou was as much of a little shit back then ((which as far as we've seen- he was)) then it was probably often), lets talk about how regardless of all that 1) hitting your kids as "discipline" not only doesn't work but is abusive lol like idc if it's spanking/popping them on the mouth for talking shit, slapping them across the face "on occasion", etc. shits not okay 2) hitting your kids!!!! does not work!!!!!!!! it is literally PROVEN not to work!!!!!!!! hitting a child who has done something wrong doesnt teach them to stop doing something it teaches them to be scared of you, which will cause the child to withdraw, removing part of their support system (assuming said abusive parents would even offer that up) and will most likely lead to them thinking they're a bad person, not that their actions were bad, which are two different things. so, ya know, that would clearly have an effect on a kid. like, as someone with a mother who reminds me all too much of mitsuki: I have acted like a complete shitbag and taken my anger out on people to feel better in the past because of the way my mother treated me. though it was nowhere near what bakugou did, I still know first fucking hand what a mother hitting and insulting her child will do, especially if they have no proper outlet for that (friends, a safe place to vent) which bakugou never fucking had.

theres also the fact that just talking to your kid the way mitsuki does (saying it's his fault he was kidnapped because he's weak, all while hitting him) is not??? okay?????? ive seen people arguing that this was just a joke in poor taste but like her son was KIDNAPPED and even if it was a "joke" there's literally NO WAY that would EVER?? BE FUNNY??????? she just sounds like the kind of parent who at the very least says shit without thinking that would traumatize bakugou (because being told right after being kidnapped it's your fucking fault by your mother is absolutely traumatizing) but it comes across as her being emotionally abusive.

mitsukis character as a whole comes across as a shitty mom who doesn't realize she's a shitty mom and thinks bakugou being an ass isn't at least partially her fault even though she's admitted to realizing he has always had an ego problem and doing nothing to fix it except for hitting and yelling which obviously did nothing but make him just as loud and violent as she is.

this is obviously not the entire reason why he's a dick but he was never properly taught that the shit he was doing wasn't okay and people not stopping it and/or praising him endlessly even tho he was a bully is basically the same as encouraging it, thank you very much.

moving on from that, let's talk about bakugous other traumas and how he naturally responds to them. hint: it's with either full blown panic or a fight response (verbal or physical, though usually physical. also sometimes it's the panic followed by the fight response.)

so far in bnha (keep in mind that I am not caught up, I've only read up to the beginning of the war arc and i barely remember those bits so) bakugou has...

nearly died via sludge villain (he was unable to move and was being suffocated to death- keep this in mind)

lost for the first time ever and against deku of all people (this nearly sent him into a full blown panic attack, likely because of that sexy little inferiority/superiority complex combo. think of this as like. gifted kid burnout lite. he has always been the best of the best and now suddenly he is being beaten by somebody who has always been weaker than him, which immediately makes him start thinking he was never actually that good, he's actually a fucking failure, a goddamn fraud)

won the sports festival by default (bakugou counts this as yet another failure because todoroki didnt try his best. had bakugou lost to todoroki full strength, he would've taken 2nd place with a bit of bitching, but he still wouldve taken it rather than refuse the medal as it would be a reminder that he failed. instead of accepting that like UA shouldve, the staff chained and muzzled him on live television and then had all might, his fucking idol, force the medal into his mouth. remember the sludge villain incident and how he couldnt move and was suffocating to death? yeah.)

been kidnapped because of the way he reacted to winning during the sports festival (he was aggressive and tried to refuse the medal because he felt he didnt deserve it and was then retraumatized by being chained up and muzzled. his "villainous attitude" was a fucking trauma response, do not tell me otherwise)

was then chained up once again by the LOV after being kidnapped,,, do we see the "retraumatize bkg" theme yet?

"ended all might" (he literally blames himself for all mights retirement because had he just not have been weak, all might wouldve had more time, right?)

my point with all of these is that bakugou has been severely traumatized and has then had his trauma responses (aggression, fight) used to further demonize him. not all people with trauma react the fucking same and the way the fandom just refuses to acknowledge anger as a valid form of trauma response is gross as hell.

moving away from that topic, bakugou has literally never had any actual friends, they all just used him and didn't care about him which absolutely will fuck up a kid, especially one who already has all that other shit going on. bakugou deadass never had a support system or people to help him grow as a person, let alone properly work through his fucking emotions so it's not surprising that he would take out his bullshit on the one person who tried to help him especially considering he saw dekus actions as him thinking he was weak. bakugou was raised to not seek help, he thought somebody strong shouldnt ever need it, so for somebody like deku (who bakugou percieved as weak and helpless already) to offer up help? deku must obviously think bakugou is even weaker than him, what other explanation could their possibly be!

speaking of which, there's his heaps of insecurities that he basically hid by being a twat and bullying others for most of his life. kid was so insecure he bullied deku for fucking years cause he thought deku looked down on him, thought he was better than him, etc. and that only got worse bc his idol then decided to take deku in, train him and even give him his quirk. there's probably some shit im missing but still he's got issues and always has had issues. that being said, he's actually improving and working them out now which is what makes him a really good, interesting character. it's also nice to see a character who is a dick without some tragic backstory (like his backstory is sad but its not the classic "my family was fucking slaughtered and i turned into a raging bitch who murders people" type shit) bc that rarely happens and it's like most assholes don't actually have a story like that they're just assholes lol

now lets talk improvement! lil bitch has been getting better since he got into UA and im so happy abt it!! he had a rough start what with deku suddenly having a quirk and all but like he is really improving now and it highkey shows that bakugou just mostly needed people who 1) didn't constantly praise him and actually criticized him instead 2) actually fucking punished him doing stupid shit and 3) some motherfucking friends

Since going to UA he's gotten actually feedback from teachers about his weaknesses and how to get stronger, he's lost against others, hes been told he has a shit attitude and is a dick, told he should be nicer and leave deku alone, etc etc. He hasn't gotten in trouble too much with teachers but others give him shit for what he does and aizawa has punished him too, while still acknowledging that bakugou is an amazing and dedicated student, something which no one else had done up til that point. and uh???? homie actually has friends who like,,, don't use him and also call him out when he's a dick. like specifically kirishima has done this shit and him and bakugous relationship is clearly very healthy and beneficial for the both of them. makes me feel all happy n shit, ya know

bottom line is: while it is absolutely valid to dislike or even hate bakugou because he is a massively flawed person who has been very cruel to others, villainizing him for the way he acts which in large part seems to be from a lack of guidance, a shitty mother and heavy amounts of trauma, is fucking awful. his actions cannot be fucking excused, he needs to apologize and continue to grow, but he is also a fucking teenager, who is just now being told that the way he acts is unacceptable by people who dont fucking abuse him (and I swear to god if any people who think mitsuki isnt abusive interact with this fucking post I will fullstop hardblock you, I do not fucking care) and actually treat him like a normal person instead of some prodigy child or someone who needs to be fixed.

people are free to debate my points or whatever bc I know some of this stuff is up to interpretation but like. dni if you're just here to say you hate bakugou for xyz reason or that he's irredeemable. also especially dni if you compare him to fucking endeavor yall bitches make me gag.

anyways thxs for the ask anon <33 sorry this is a kinda messy info dump lol

[indicastd]

hey i wanted to send you this but i dont want you to be feeling off cause you need all that focus on your exams so here goes but how i miss you getting all excited to tell me about your day and what not even if its the littlest things youd always tell me about it and ive always been excited to listen to you the way youd tell me things girl i adore you so much i would always say yes to you ive always been waiting for you and im still waiting for you sometimes i feel like im begging for your love but thats okay cause maybe gods telling me that one time i was the one who made you beg for my love now i know how you felt last time i shouldve never done that to you i shouldve never hurt you cause you never deserve to be treated that way you know youre really everything that i told you you are youre really fucking gorgeous in your own way youre fucking beautiful youre fucking amazing i mean i know you dont see yourself like i do but how i wish you would cause youre really special you have me from the very first and to my last breath i just wish i have you the same way you have me i love it how i cant stop falling in love with you because youre you and i might not understand you but thats because you were never one to understand for but youre one to love for and i cant help it but to adore and admire you so fucking much how i wish i could turn back time and do everything right with you how i wish youre still feelin the same about me like how i feel about you im sorry i annoy you a lot but thats really because i love you i have the tendency of wanting to listen to my favorite persons voice because it calms and eases me and thats my toxic trait because people would eventually get annoyed with me oh and trust and believe me when i tell you those girls dont stand a chance at you they are nothing like you and they could never be as great as you and yes im really aware that youre insecure and paranoid because of your past but im sorry if my past had made your insecurities worst but you need to remember that theyre history and ive grown apart from my history and just as much as im insecure of your past lovers ive began to accept that youve grown apart from them even when you still keep track of them and yes im insecure of them because they seem to be a whole lot better than my sickass who dont sports who cant breath and who only gets skinnier and skinnier day by day and you really deserve better than that and thats why im trying to better myself because you deserve to be loved better and thats why i told you youve changed me a lot and of course for the better because ive never tried but to always ignore my pathetic self before i met you and the reason being of me ditching you last time was because of it because you deserve better than what i was do you remember i always had asthmatic episodes when i was at work yeah i got depressed a lot because of it because itd be hard for you if you ended up being with me and i didnt have the guts to man up and tell you about it i was always a coward so i ditched you but i was wrong because i should be trying to get better instead of ditching you because i cant accept the fact that i would only burden you like how i burdened everyone around me and i let others hurt you even more that was all my fault thats also my toxic trait and another toxic trait of mine is that when i started to love someone i love them for long that its hard for me to rid of myself from them when they no longer want me anymore but not all toxic traits are bad and that doesnt change how amazing and great youve been to me because youve been really great to me you showed me what love is after a such a long time from the first time i changed my perspective towards love years ago tonights been heavy this shits heavy my hearts heavy and my tears heavy i love you so so much nur syazwina nordin only god knows how much i miss everything about you im sorry i could never be good enough i wish i had everything that you wanted in a man because you have everything that i wanted in a woman and i dont ever wanna spend this life without you by my side

[virginia-werewoolf]

Hi hello its a saturday night and i was thinking that i cant remember the last time that i just kinda sat down and talked to someone, like had a really good talk with them abt all the crazy stuff goin on in my mind not just like at this moment but just my thoughts abt life and relationships and art and it makes me sad cause its such a good feeling doing that and i feel like it rarely happens

Anyways ive been thinkin on my last relationship for the last couple days and what a strange one it was, basically he started talking to me a couple of months after i had gotten broken up with by a guy i dated for 2 years - something that really really tore me up as im sure everyone around me at the time knew. We had broken up in February, i found out that he had been cheating on me since December in March, and Ian had started talking to me in April. He was honestly such a distraction from that whole situation - so so so fun and spontaneous and just… so easy to talk to. He really did make me happy in the purest of ways - something that with Jarod had felt so… serious? But with Ian, it was so light and sweet and just warm. We spent the whole summer together in this sort of daze minus the week or two that he spent not talking to me because he was upset with me for not wanting anything serious. I wouldnt say those couple of weeks were hard to get through per say - but we just couldnt really stay away from each other and always ended up back together because, well, he was my best friend. To end the summer we took a day trip to the beach which was incredible but i remember that morning he asked me to be his girlfriend for the day and i was feelin cheeky so i said that yes, i would be - and that i might not even break up with him at the end of the day and “trap him”. That last part was obviously a joke but the first part really wasnt and I knew that. I didnt end up breaking up with him that day but then about a month later this boy that I had always thought was the most beautiful boy that I had ever seen started talking to me again after dropping me after talking for like a month after I found at that Jarod had cheated on me - probably just a few days before Ian and I started talking - messaged me. I had honestly been holdin on hope for this boy since then just because I really did think he was gorgeous - i was so so so infatuated with him (like if im being honest with myself i still think hes the most beautiful boy ive ever seen) and he just seemed so… my type, i guess. I just pushed it aside though cause Ian was so precious and so good to me while he, well, wasn’t. But i did end up going on a date with this kid - his name was Sammy - and kissed him lots. Which I know was so fucked up. I basically played it off to Ian by saying that what I had said that day we went to the beach was just a joke and that I would seriously be his girlfriend now. But i think i always knew in the back of my mind that if Sammy asked me to be his girlfriend I would’ve said yes in a heartbeat. But he didnt - and despite the horrible arguments that arose from the obvious insecurities this caused in Ian - we were ok for a while. We dated from like the end of September until the end of January. I tried to have a good break up with him but it didnt work, of course. I ended up blaming it on his insecurities which I knew wouldn’t be NEARLY as prominent if I hadn’t done that. But he was also holding grudges against me for going on a couple of dates with my friend Josh during the summer when he was upset with me as well as just talking about boys in general over the summer when i had NO responsibility not to, you know? I know we were a thing but he KNEW i wasn’t ready for a relationship - he knew how important he was to me and basically used that to force me into a relationship with him. I was so attached to him because he came into my life in one of the two times in my life where I was feeling so so so incredibly depressed and he used that to get me to date him when he KNEW i needed my space to be free to do what I want and not have to stress about a relationship (because lemme tell you - that 2 year relationship with Jarod was 100% DRAINING). And that was a lot of the reason, yes - these arguments had started happening more and more often and I was so incredibly stressed in December and January that I just… couldnt have that anymore. He would even get mad at me and drop our plans completely for asking to go to coffee with him so I could do homework instead of actually going out and doing something - which sucked so much because I really did want to spent time with him no matter where we were and he obviously didnt. PLUS he was so horribly sexist - he even got mad at me for posting a picture where you could see my SHOULDERS ???? But thats besides the point. What really haunts me I guess is the nature of our break up - he got so hostile so quickly. I told him that I wanted to take a break from each other and see how we felt about each other once school was over and he IMMEDIATELY took that as me wanting to go suck other guys dicks???? And I eventually got upset as well and said such terrible things to him, as well. I told him how I only liked having sex with him in the dark because I hated having to look at him (which wasn’t entirely true - but I will admit that I was never as attracted to him as I should’ve been. The first few times we had sex I really was not attracted to him at all but of course as time went on and I grew softer feelings towards him that attraction to him did grow) and that this guy who he had suspected i liked had way better music and passion for music than he did. I know both of those must’ve hurt and I probably shouldn’t have said that - I especially don’t think it was right of me to say he wasn’t as good at what he, too is passionate about or that he didnt feel as strongly toward it. I know its not right to compare art like that. But besides that he was right. I DID have some feelings for that boy. I liked talking to him and being around him and his music and his voice and just thought he was so smart and sweet and perfectly quirky. And he was cute. It wasn’t anything serious, but I didnt feel like I should be feeling that way towards another person if I was with Ian. Everyone deserves someone whos all about them. And I feel like these feelings towards that boy kinda just reminded me that i do need time for myself out of a relationship. Ive BEEN needing it since last February and kinda denied myself it the second I thought about losing Ian, who was so honestly my rock. But Ian shouldnt have put me in that sort of ultimatum to begin with. Not if he cared about me as a person and not just a potential love interest. So yes i do miss him sometimes. He was my best friend, after all! But i dont really miss him as a boyfriend. I really only liked the way he made me feel in that respect - not just as a boyfriend, if you will. And i shouldve. So I know I did the right thing. I really do know I did the right thing. And i know ill be okay. Ill be graduating soon and everything will be okay.