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merrybandofmurderers · 4 years

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hey so forgive me if you've already told me this, but yuo's a blood mage, right? what caused him to turn to blood magic? does he feel guilty about it, considering the stigma surrounding it, or does he say fuck all that jazz? and have there ever been lasting consequences to using blood magic? sorry if that's a lot, thank you ily :)

no no no, i LOVE answering questions!! yes, yuo is a blood mage (and also a battle mage, a pretty good combo imo, but also one that’s hard on his body). he doesn’t really use blood magic a lot, just when he really needs it (and obviously when he’s in the inquisition, he REALLY tries to be discreet, which being a battle mage covers up for).

there’s only a few ppl he openly uses blood magic around at first (solas, cuz he gleans it from their magic convos and won’t out him despite their contentious relationship; cole, cuz he reads yuo’s mind basically; bull, cuz he figures it out and doesn’t judge yuo for it).

SO. the backstory. yuo’s mom died when he was 19, just before he received his vallaslin, which has always weighed heavy on him. his dad died when he was.. 22? i think? (both of them die in skirmishes with humans, which is where his dislike of humans really started). the death of his mom he was able to handle somewhat cuz he had his dad and his sister.

when his dad died, his sister did not handle it well either, so yuo was a mess. at that time is also when he and his sister adopted three young elves who were orphaned. he was desperate for more power to protect his loved ones, so he asked his keeper (newly appointed and his sister’s best friend) for permission to learn blood magic. she was worried what he would do if she denied him, so at the next arlathvhen they found him a hahren to teach him ethical blood magic.

he never expected himself to turn to blood magic, becuz blood magic is not widely accepted among the dalish. but he accepted it becuz he figured it would help him (he ultimately comes to the conclusion that nothing he does can protect his loved ones, but he doesn’t stop using blood magic becuz it does make him stronger.)

around his clan he didnt need to hide it. they understood his grief and trusted him. he only really learned the necessity of discretion when he fell in love with a human apostate and trusted him to teach him blood magic and then was betrayed by him (which is the root of his trust issues).

this didn’t stop him from using blood magic, but he realized how careful he needed to be, and the lasting consequence from that was his trust issues which has definitely impacted him negatively. aside from that, as i said, his combined specs are hard on his body, which have left him with recurring pain as well as needing to treat his scars regularly.

(EDIT: okay so i tried to put a cut here to make it not so long, but apparantly tumblr does not like them anymore so i had to remove it to save the formatting :/ thanks tumblr

EDIT TWO: apparantly removing the cut did NOT save the formatting it just put the cut at the beginning :))))

i talked a bit about about the effects of his specializations here, and i talked about his blood magic and grief allowing him to relate to alexius here.

dorian, sera, and blackwall find out about his blood magic during the reclaiming of suledin keep. they agree to keep his secret but it’s a rough process of acceptance for all of them, especially dorian.

these are some excerpts of the confrontations dorian and yuo have about yuo lying about his blood magic

“Have you ever used blood magic on me?”

Dorian hates himself for asking. He hates himself because he knows the answer will be no, it must be. He asks anyway.

Lavellan stays quiet so long, Dorian starts to hate him more than he hates himself. Dread and genuine fear coil in his gut.

“Once. Only once. In Coracavus, when that darkspawn hit you. Dorian, I was afraid you were going to get the Blight. I couldn’t—” He stops, breathes. “That was the only time. Just, to stop the bleeding, keep it clean. Nothing more than I do for myself.”

“I don’t understand why you think you need it. You’re powerful enough already—”

“No, I’m not, Dorian. Don’t you understand? I’m not powerful enough—I’ll never be powerful enough. And I have to remember that, I have to remember… nothing will ever be enough. I have to hold onto that every time some fucking demon thinks it can use me by promising to give me what I want. When a demon promises to give me back my parents, to protect my sister, my clan, to save everyone I care about, to keep everything I have—I need to remember that it’s not enough. I have to accept that. Because if I believe—if I hope—for even a moment that there might be some power capable of that—of restoring what’s lost, preserving what I have—I won’t be able to fight them. I have to know it, that no power will ever be enough; I’ll never be enough.”

and here is when yuo ultimately tells dorian the story behind his using blood magic

Dorian sat next to him on the battlements. “Who was it? That you were wrong about?”

Lavellan was silent for a long moment, then, “His name was Rory. He was an apostate.”

“A human.”

“Yes, human. He wasn’t the first I’d been with, though. He wasn’t special… in that way. That wasn’t… a red flag for me. Then. It’s—” He sighed.

“Let me start from the beginning. My mother died when I was nineteen, just before I received my vallaslin, my father when I was twenty-two. My mother’s death, I managed well enough. But when my father died… Anavi didn’t know how to deal with it either. She… closed off. And it was hard to be around her because she reminded me so much of them. She looked just like him but acted just like our mother. It was a mess, we both were, but especially me. I didn’t have anything to—to tether me. I was so desperate. Every night I had these horrific dreams of losing her.

“What I wanted was power. That’s what everyone wants when it comes to blood magic, isn’t it? The power? To protect my sister, my remaining family, my clan, I decided I needed more power. But I was going to do it right. So, I went to our Keeper and asked permission to learn blood magic. Our Keeper by that time was my sister’s closest friend and knew me well. She knew I wouldn’t disobey her if she forbade it, but I needed something to hold on to, and if she didn’t give this to me, she was afraid of what could happen to me. What I would do.

“That year, there was an Arlathvhen. My Keeper found a hahren for me to learn blood magic from. I told you it is not widely accepted amongst the Dalish, but it does happen. So, I lived with this hahren’s clan for a time to learn from them. It got me some space from my sister, from the grief. And they gave me the instruction I needed. The power I wanted, but still drawn from our beliefs. It would have been so easy for me to get twisted, but my hahren guided me, showed me what to do. They reminded me what my magic was for, kept my head on straight. A few years later, I returned to my clan—sooner than I meant to, sooner than perhaps I should have, but another of the clan had died; I needed to be with them, so I went.

“That winter we settled near a village, and that’s where I met Rory.”

Lavellan was silent for a long time, staring into nothing. Dorian sat quietly, watching his somber profile.

“Rory wasn’t special,” he finally continued, “he wasn’t different. He was easy to fall in love with, and I did, and more than that, I trusted him. I didn’t hide my blood magic from him, and he asked me to teach him. I’d already been showing him some magic; he hadn’t really had anyone to learn from. I never thought his questions or intentions were strange or sinister. To me, blood magic was just magic you had to be a little more careful with. So, I taught him.

“Well, the Templars caught him. I don’t know what he did, I don’t know if he actually used blood magic—or any magic—in front of them, if they just suspected, or what. I don’t know if he hurt someone, I just know that they found him, and the reason I know that is because he sold me out to them.”

He sneered. “He told them I had seduced him, bewitched him, used my magic on him, whatever. I’d tricked him into it, coerced him, forced him to use blood magic. All the words that meant he couldn’t be culpable. My clan had been there for several months, and our welcome was already wearing thin. I don’t know if he mentioned them specifically or if it was just me, but the Templars, of course, wouldn’t be taking chances.

“No one died, no one was hurt, but we had to leave, unprepared. And I don’t know what happened to him. All I know is that I loved someone and trusted them, and it turned out I was wrong, and because of that everything I ever cared about protecting almost…”

His hands clasped together, white knuckled. “So, this time the stakes are a lot fucking higher, aren’t they? I’m not going to compare the two of you, because there isn’t any comparison to be had. I was younger then, and eager to be in love with him, and I fought for so long to not feel for you the way I do, but still I love you more than I thought I’d ever love anyone, and once you earned it, my trust in you has never wavered—and that’s why I won’t hate you if you decide you can’t accept this, or—or forgive me, or move on, because you deserved to know and I didn’t tell you.

“Creators, Dorian, if it were just me, I wouldn’t have thought for a second about it. But in this position, it’s not just me—it never was, but he really fucking drove that home for me. My people will always come first, because no matter what, they’re a part of me. I will never be just me; I will always be Dalish. My people will always be there, and I will always have to care about them. However much more love and trust I had for you, the fear was even greater, and I couldn’t—Dorian, I almost lost them, and it was my fault because I was wrong about someone I loved, and I couldn’t take that risk again, I couldn’t. And that’s all I can say for myself, is that I was afraid.”

(please forgive any typos, these are first drafts u.u)

#ask #mrs theirin #oc: yuo lavellan #thank u i love talking about my babe u.u #any more questions about him or other ocs i will gladly answer #oc stuff #fic: the time has come

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aethelflaedladyofmercia · 4 years

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Dennis

Welllllll this one got a bit away from me. I blame cabin fever (two days snowed in) and my angst addiction. Story 4 for @drawlight‘s advent challenge.

Couple of notes: Dennis, MA is a real place, and chosen for the setting because (a) it is the site of the first recorded commercial cranberry bog in America, and (b) it has a very silly name. It’s actually quite nice, if you manage to visit between the overcrowded tourist season and the completely dead off season, Crowley just has no patience.

Cranberry wine is not as common as the story might imply, especially in 1982. Crowley is drinking Truro Vineyard’s Cranberry Red from their Lighthouse Wine Series, which my parents are big fans of (it’s good, if you like red wines), even though that wasn’t available until the late 2000s. Bad historian, no cookie for you.

Thanks to @angel-and-serpent for reminding me about the wolf spiders.

04 - Cranberry (2,600 words)

Crowley sat on the four-poster bed, staring at the phone. The clock beside it clicked from 1:59 PM to 2:00. He tensed…but nothing happened.

Don’t panic. It’s not always exactly the same time. He tried to occupy himself by listing things he disliked about the hotel room.

The lighting room was atrocious, casting everything in a sickly yellow color. Even sitting alone, he wore his glasses to dull the glow a little. The bed was…passably comfortable, the quilt too stiff, the pillows far too flat. The carpet was worn, though only a little. The color scheme was too…green. He’d seen three ants, which might just be a coincidence, or the start of an infestation.

The phone rang, a sharp jangle cutting right across his nerves. 2:03 PM.

He scooped up the handset and said as casually as possible, “Yeah?”

And relaxed, smile drifting across his face that he’d never allow in a face-to-face conversation.

“No, I’m not too busy, Angel. How was your week?”

Slowly, he leaned back on the bed, stretching the coiled cord as far as it would go.

“Really? No. The audacity, coming in and trying to buy a book. What do they think it is, some kind of shop?” He listened another moment. “Aziraphale, I am taking this exactly as seriously as it deserves.”

He listened for a while longer, with an occasional, “Yeah. Yeah.”

“How are my plants?” He frowned. “Perfectly fine? They’re dropping leaves all over the shop, aren’t they?” Rolled his eyes and sat up. “No, I don’t care if it’s November, they know what’s expected of them. I’ve only been gone…” he sighed. “Twenty months.” He was really going to have to re-establish dominance when he got back.

“Nah, I mean, New York was great. Plenty going on there. We should – you should – yeah, I think you’d like it there.” He winced. He sounded pathetic. “Then two days ago, hey, congratulations, now on to the next location. But…I really think someone cocked this one up. No way this is where I’m supposed to be.”

“Dennis.”

He jumped to his feet. “No, not Dennis who, Dennis. It’s a town.” Pacing was difficult in a room this small. He almost immediately became tangled in the phone cord. “I have no idea who names a town ‘Dennis.’” He struggled to free himself without moving the earpiece. “Some bloody tourist place, beaches and sea food, only it’s the off-season.”

He kicked the last bit of cord off his leg – how had that even gotten there? – and flung himself dramatically into the armchair. It wasn’t as good without an audience.

“Now I’m stuck here, nothing to do, until Hell admits they made a mistake. Who knows how long that’s going to be.”

Furious scowl. “No, I’m not being… who even uses the word histrionic? There’s really nothing here. Even the hotel – you’ll never guess. Three stars.” He frowned. “You try it.”

“There is a cranberry bog.” He admitted sullenly. “Lots of spiders. I’m sure there’s something I can do with that.” Pause. “No, I will not behave myself, I’m a demon. And I was told to make trouble, not that there’s any trouble to get into here.”

He sighed. “Haven’t the first idea, they just congratulated me for something to do with politics or the economy.” Crowley pulled off his glasses rubbing at his eyes. “Come on, Aziraphale, you know that’s not how I work. I don’t even understand the economy. Supply-side whatsname, what’s that even mean? But Hell was really happy.” He shuddered. “Ah, I hope I don’t get a commendation. Then I’ll know it’s bad. It’ll be like the Spanish Inquisition all over again. Or the French Revolution.”

He smiled, twisting the cord around his finger. “No, I – you don’t have to. If you want crepes, I’m sure there’s someplace closer.” He laughed. “Yeah, now you mention it, they do still have the death penalty here, but I think you need something more than a bad outfit.”

He was running out of things to say. He tried desperately to think of something, anything. “Uh, any dinner plans?” Nodded. “No, that’s – that sounds good. I wish – I hope you enjoy it.” He knocked his head against the back of his chair. “Got some wine at the airport. ’S alright, I guess.” Nodded again. “Yeah. No, definitely. Talk to you next week.”

Crowley walked back to the bed and dropped the phone into the cradle with another sigh.

It was 2:07 PM and Crowley had the phone to his ear before the first ring even finished. “Yeah?”

“Not good, Angel. I spent days getting those wolf spiders to listen to me, and before I could enact my plan, they closed the bog for the season!”

He covered the mouth of the phone and scowled at the half-dozen spiders on his curtain. “Oi, you lot. Back in the planter or you can winter outside with the rest.” He glared until they had settled back among the spiny shrubs with small red blossoms. He would not be telling Aziraphale about his new roommates, or that the best option at the undersized plant shop had been a succulent called crown of thorns.

“No, it was going to be a great plan. All my plans are great.” He clicked his tongue in annoyance. “Well, that worked, didn’t it?”

He groaned and flung himself back onto the green quilt. “Of course I’m still in Dennis, where else would I be? I told them it was probably supposed to be Denver, but does anyone listen to me?” He pulled off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes. “The worst is, they keep congratulating me on all the good work I’m doing.”

“No, Aziraphale, I don’t think they meant the spiders, either.” He picked up a newspaper – an actual, local paper, not one of the ones put out by Hell. “I’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on, but they don’t exactly get the New York Times here.” He flipped through the titles – Cape Cod Chronicle, Provincetown Advocate, The Register. He’d tried to get a few older issues, but everything was from the current month: November, 1982.

“Why would I go to a library?” Pause. “Ohhhhh. Mm, I suppose I can try that if I get desperate.”

Aziraphale asked a question. “Nh, ah, ok. So. Someone wrote this book about this huge secret satanic organization that, I don’t know, controls the world or something. Accused my side of…some stuff.”

He sighed. “If you must know. Torturing and murdering children.” Crowley sat bolt upright. “No, Aziraphale, obviously not. You’d know if it was true.” He picked at the seams of his black jeans. “I suppose you had to ask.”

“Well that’s the thing. We didn’t know anything about it either. So they sent me here to figure out what was going on.”

He flipped through the pages of the newspapers. “Not much, really. All in their heads, right? Didn’t even need to bother stirring it up, these things really take care of themselves. I’ve just been doing my usual, traveling to different cities, causing a little trouble.”

Giving up on the tiny newsprint, Crowley reached for one of the bottles of cranberry wine that the liquor store had had in abundance. “Well, that’s the thing. I can’t find anything in the papers, so that can’t be it.” He poured himself a glass. “Just…you know. Economic stuff. Banks. Taxes. I don’t know.”

He took a drink. “Mh. There was something, can’t find it now. Some men getting sick out in California. Hope it’s not another plague.” He laughed a little. “Hooray penicillin. Honestly, I’m glad to see the end of plagues. Lousy way to do things.”

Aziraphale turned the conversation to lighter things, and for a while Crowley sipped his wine and listened, learning everything going on back in London, what the customers had tried to buy now, and the angel’s dinner plans.

“Oh, you’ll like this. You know what next week is? Thanksgiving.” He poured the last of the bottle into his glass. “It’s like Christmas, only instead of presents, more food. Very American. The hotel’s serving it in the main dining room.” He drained his glass. “Eh, turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce. The usual. I probably won’t have any, you know, you’re supposed to celebrate with friends, but – yeah I thought you’d like that.” He smiled at the phone. “I’ll…uh, I’ll talk to you then, right?”

After he hung up, he noticed one of the spiders sitting on the floor next to him. “I thought I told you to stay in the planter.” At least they’d cleared up the ant infestation. He’d have to get some crickets in the morning.

The wolf spider waved hairy legs at him. “Oh, alright.” He let her scramble up his arm and settle on his shoulder. “But no wine for you. That’s all I need, bunch of drunk spiders.”

The phone rang at 2:01 PM. Crowley didn’t pick up.

Or at 2:10. Or 2:13.

It was 2:29 PM – long after Aziraphale had lost track of the number of times he’d called and hung up – when Crowley finally knocked the handset out of the cradle. “Wha’?” he demanded, slouched on the floor amid empty bottles of cranberry wine.

“’M celebrating, tha’s what.” The spider on his shoulder scurried down to settle on his knee instead. She was always nearby these days. “Cuz I know what Hell c’gratulated me for.”

He dug around for a bottle that was still half-full, drank straight from its mouth. “Not the economy. Well. Starts with that. Whole time I’m here, people been…losing jobs, banks closing. Did I notice?” He leaned his head against the bed. “No, s’pose not. But people…you know people.”

He nodded, watching the spider jump from one knee to the other. “Satanic Cult story just…keeps growing. Accusations. People in prison. Kids always in the middle. ’S not even real. Just. Panic. And then the other thing.”

He held out his hand, let the spider crawl across his fingers. “Said I was done caring, after the Black Death. You can’t… can’t care, you know? Plague’s gotta run its course.” He hadn’t ever really believed that anyway. “But this is… something new.”

He raised his hand and the spider clambered onto his head. It felt nice, little fuzzy legs combing through his hair. “Dunno. Something with… ’mune system? ’S bad. And…and no one cares. Aren’t studying it. Aren’t talking about it. Cuz of who’s sick.”

He picked up the bottle again, draining it, sweet-tart wine running down his throat. “’S what ’m s’posed to’ve done, y’know. Make ’em turn on each other. Cut off th’ ones who need help. ’S like I did in Spain…and France…”

He leaned his head against his knees, curling up beside the bed in his nest of bottles. “Nnhhh, ’f its nothing to do with me, why do I keep getting credit?”

Crowley couldn’t listen any longer. He let the phone tumble out of his fingers, onto the floor. Aziraphale’s voice grew louder, more insistent, then abruptly cut off.

Of course he’d hang up. Why would anyone want to talk to a demon who –

With a strange hum, something burst out of the phone, materializing in the hotel room very close to where Crowley sat. The pale figure stumbled on the wine bottles, then straightened his tartan bow tie and glared.

“Don’t you dare ignore me, Crowley.”

“I…how’d you…”

“Traveling through the telephone lines. You told me you’d tried it once before.”

“It was awful.”

“Not nearly as awful as your driving.” Aziraphale looked him up and down. “Look at yourself. You’re dressed like some sort of…teenaged ruffian. Why is there a spider in your hair?”

“’S fashion,” Crowley answered vaguely.

The angel leaned down and lifted the wolf spider, being careful not to hurt her legs. He watched the spider run across his palm. “And how long has he been like this?”

“Look, Angel, she just –”

“I wasn’t talking to you.” Aziraphale walked away, whispering to the spider. “Really? And you didn’t try to tell him – No, I suppose not. No, you’ve done your best. I’ll take it from here.” He set the spider down among the crown of thorns.

The angel still looked absolutely furious. “You could at least stand up instead of skulking on the floor like that.”

Crowley stumbled and tottered getting to his feet, and it wasn’t only because of the all the empty bottles. Well, in a way it was.

“Angel, you shouldn’ be here –”

“I should absolutely be here. You’ve been on your own far too long.” He eyed the bottles. “How many of those are from today?”

“Nn. All of ’em. Housekeeping clears them out every morning.”

He tried not to notice the look Aziraphale gave him as the angel snapped his fingers, miracling the bottles into a neat row across the bedside table. “Now sober up.”

“C’mon, Angel, ’m fine.”

“Sober up. I’m not talking to you like this.”

The cranberry wine was a lot less pleasant coming out than it had been going in. And sobriety only made all the emotions he’d been feeling more clear.

Aziraphale watched the liquid pour back into the bottles, and when he was satisfied, jabbed a finger into Crowley’s chest.

“I don’t want to hear any more of this nonsense. You are not responsible for what the humans do, or believe, or ignore. That is their choice.”

“I know.” He sat down heavily on the edge of the bed. “I just…how can they be so cruel to each other?”

“Free will.” Aziraphale sat beside him, so close their shoulders just barely brushed. “One day an act of kindness that surprises even me, the next…”

“The next, they leave hundreds of people to die horribly, just because they’re different.” This wasn’t any easier to process sober. “Are you going to tell me this is all part of the Ineffable Plan?”

“Would that make you feel better?”

“Has it ever?”

“Then, no. I think I’ll leave it at that.”

They sat together in silence for a long time.

There really weren’t any words to make it better. Free will or not, Plan or not, sometimes, humans were the absolute worst. He didn’t know why, after six thousand years, it still hurt to learn that.

But it helped to know, from the pressure of one shoulder leaning on another, that at least someone else had never learned to stop caring.

“So, are you going to head back to London?”

“After coming all this way?” Aziraphale had run out of severe looks; he just smiled sadly. “I have a few healings left in my allowance for the year. I think I might…see what I can do out in California.”

Crowley nodded, and for once he was the one on the verge of a forbidden thank you.

“Before you go. I think the Thanksgiving dinner is about to start. I don’t suppose…”

“My dear, I would never turn down a feast.”

The demon quickly stood up, re-settling his glasses, manifesting something a little more sophisticated than the punk-inspired look he’d been wearing.

Aziraphale dug under the bed and found an unopened bottle of cranberry wine. “I’m looking forward to seeing how this tastes. Oh, it looks like a little lighthouse! Lovely.”

Crowley paused at the door. “You’re not going to be all weird and pretend we don’t know each other, are you?”

“I suppose not. Since this is supposed to be a celebration with friends.” He eyed Crowley suspiciously. “Don’t go being overly familiar just because I said that.”

“Me? I would never!”

#good omens fanfiction #good omens prime #ineffable husbands #31 days of ineffables #aziraphale #crowley #hurt comfort #but tough love comfort #aziraphale is a bastard

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wookikun · 4 years

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aesthetic tag game

tagged by @hiddenclawsof (who wrote the very first WooKi I've read and well I'm facing some unpleasant moments but u still remembers me and that heals me a lot)

rules: bold the aesthetics you relate to and add twenty of your own aesthetic qualities for others to bold.

I'm not gonna tag anyone cuz I'm unfamiliar here but still I want to do this si without tagging I just do it :(((((

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twilightvolt · 4 years

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And so, another year has come to pass.....almost. ^ ^

Remember when i said i was branching away from Digimon back when i drew up Venom fanart? y’know, “I wanted to be more than what i used to be.” that being “a Digimon artist.”

2019 was basically just that. lots and lots and LOTS of fandom hopping.

If last year was me recovering from the pain and crippling anxiety of 2017, then this year was me finally getting up again, learning to stand up and live for myself rather than in fear of those i shouldn’t care about anymore. life still hasn’t been too kind to me even though, compared to last year, we’re in a better space. but i’ll get into more detail about that while i go through everything month by month on the clock.

Before we begin, if you’d like to see the previous years, here’s the links!

2018:https://twilightvolt.tumblr.com/post/181732950569/i-kinda-was-saving-this-for-when-i-had-the-time-to

2017:https://twilightvolt.tumblr.com/post/171806337539/a-3-month-late-art-summary-featuring-art-that-i

Might wanna grab your popcorn, my dudes. this is a long one.

January: On the Web

Coming out of 2018, things were pretty ok if i remember. i don’t remember much from this month aside from a few doodles i did like this one from when Spiderverse was the hottest thing. this was one of the last things i drew in my old style. before i decided to officially change things up in the next month.

February: Gotta Kick it Up

Pokemon Sword & Shield were announced and things were hype! oh, how things soured as the months went by. lol

But yeah, this was me taking that experimental sketchy pencil style from that Smash Bros. drawing and rolling with it all the way! it’s become my new go-to style and even though it’s still hella sketchy at times, i feel like it looks better in comparison to my old ink outlined drawings.

March: The Overdrive Dweebanoids

Oh right. my old Ben 10 phase that lasted for a millisecond in 2016 returned with a vengeance. and it was glorious. lmao

It spawned an AU that i didn’t delve into much, but if i ever get that spark for my favorite alien watch bearer, i’ll get back to it.

April: True Blue Lizard Bois

My Ben 10 streak continues and i was crankin’ out art left and right for it. i luved all the “doodle dumps” i made, but this drawing was wholesome and i picked it because of that.

To some extent, this could be a comparison between my past and my present. that being Overdrive!Ben being what, at the time, was my current obsession while Digimon!Vivi was a representation of where i used to be, back when i was starting out and entering Digimon OCTs on Deviantart.

May: Return to the Realm of Sleep ~HD ReMIX

Now THIS i feel was one of the grandest drawings i’ve done this year. hell, i even made a wallpaper out of it.

like, it was just a redraw of an old drawing from 2017. but to me, it was a way to tell me just how far i’ve come since then. and i couldn’t be happier.

This was also the month i rebooted my DA after a long time of inactivity!

....Iiiit didn’t really work much, but i’m still working on it. though i highly doubt it’s worth it considering most of the ones i used to hang with there are either people i don’t wanna associate with or people who left while i was gone. seriously, it’s a ghost town there.

June: Art Fight 2019 ~Dreams Vs. Nightmares~

Ahh, my second year of Art Fight. for this year’s event, i wanted to be a tad more grandiose. like drawing up this banner. i like being extra and stuff even if it kills my drawing hand, so yeah. lmao

...

Florida thunderstorms are friggin’ terrifying. idk HOW anyone can get used to that.

July: - BREAK DOWN -

Oookay, it was hard picking my favorite attack this year cuz i pretty much was satisfied with all of them. but i had to go with this attack because the artist i drew it for was someone i really admired for years and i’m just happy i could finally have an opportunity to draw them something. like, i luv how it came out, so yeah.

This was also the month i forced myself to finally do the thing and let go of the constant fear i felt towards certain people i used to hang with. while remembering 2017 will never NOT hurt, i can’t let that fear rule over me forever. i have to take control and not let it stop me from doing what i want. and that’s exactly what i did.

August: Ricky ~Sapphire, Emerald and AlphaSapphire

Oh yeah! after Art Fight ended, i returned to Pokemon randomly cuz i wanted to go back to my roots for a moment. revamping Ricky, formerly Ragna, and Yagami was something i’ve been meaning to do for awhile and it reignited a waning love for a series i started growing distant towards since Gen VII.

I used to really like Ricky’s old design even though i barely ever used him. but i guess this just shows how much more original i’ve gotten in terms of character design. ^ ^

September: Heartbeat Inferno

Now, i haven’t really talked much about what’s been going on life wise for most of this post, but trust me when i say irl, things weren’t really.....happening. like, it’s hard when you live (or rather, lived now) in a place with little job opportunity and you have NO experience whatsoever. the lack of progression must’ve hit something in me, so the week i drew this was me just....shifting moods, feeling everything at once. one day i’d be agitated as hell, the next i’d be so depressed i took a some odd hour nap and didn’t wanna get out of bed. like, for most of this year, i haven’t felt this stressed out and frustrated with myself. so this sudden crash was kind of....unwelcome.

But this drawing was a fresh change though, if i’m being honest. i’m not usually this uncaring about how clean the coloring job is, but i like it! i’d choose that other drawing i did for my friends’ birthdays, Skirmish at the Cable Club, but this one had a more personal drive behind it.

October: - PAPERMOON -

beastarsbeastarsbeASTARSBEASTARS--*COUGH COUGH AHEM* I MEAN....hai. :D

Continuing with my Pokemon shenanigans, i drew this big piece which was something i had in my head for years now, but never actually acted upon it cuz i always felt it was too big of an idea to work on. i’m happy i’ve managed to capture what i envisioned originally.

As for interests, i’m sure most of my current followers can deduce that i quickly shifted gears to Beastars as soon as the anime was released and so far, i regret nothing. it’s spawned a metric butt ton of new art from me and the way i see it, this phase ain’t stopping as long as this series continues. brace yourselves fam, i believe i’ve finally found the successor to my Digimon phase. lmao

Like, damn, i had a tough time choosing art for this month. i was stuck between this, - SMILE/WILD SIDE - and Slip Into Madness. so many good drawings i was satisfied with, y’know?

November: The Future is Now

I was SO planning on putting something else here, but then suddenly i just kinda had this urge to redraw that uggo gouache painting of Miyagi from highschool. and it turned out so good that i had to. like, really. lmao

As with the redraw of Dream Drop Digital’s key art, it was a reminder of how far i’ve come since then art wise. and i feel like i’ve accomplished so much this year because of it. ;w;

December: Winter Lights

And now we’re back to the present time. after over a year or so of living in Florida, we’ve moved once again back up north a bit. yet another clean slate, but things seem to be looking up despite the rather large bumps in the road the past week or so. lately i’ve been feeling that seasonal depression starting to set in, but i think i’ll be fine as long as i stay positive. cuz y’know, it’s not being happy all the time. it’s just knowing that things will get better someday.

One of the other reasons i drew this drawing was cuz i REALLY wanted to have something Beastars related on this clock. this series (and Legoshi in particular) really inspired me, so i had to leave a wedge open for my boi.

Looking back at the beginning of this decade (as 2020 would mark the next one), i realized that the 2010′s were basically me becoming more artsy. finding enjoyment for a new hobby that quickly became something i’m now more passionate about than video games which i didn’t think would EVER be the case.

Funny enough, it all started in the RP section of a little forum for an MMO called Wizard101. i was only in middle school at the time and, to tell you the truth, i had no idea i’d be going at it for this long. thought i’d just do it on the side but not really delve into the art world more.

But despite all the trips and falls, fandom drama or otherwise, i wouldn’t change anything if it meant i wouldn’t have the friends who’ve stuck by me in the aftermath of those times.

I may not be really succeeding in much, but it’s the small steps in life that matter most in the end. these past few months in particular was me getting fed up with feeling sorry for myself for not doing the things i was interested in in the past, getting over my regret and making plans for starting something new even though i know i’ll suck at first and not worrying so much about how others might perceive me.

And just like how life was changing for our resident grey wolf this first season, mine seems to be doing the same. and i believe this decade ended on a better note than i thought it would during the past couple years leading up to this.

Here’s to a new decade! ^ ^

~ For a future I want to believe in. ~

#art meme #summary of art #2019 summary of art #year end reflections #2010's reflections #rambles

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invisibleanonymousmonsters · 6 years

Text

Heritage - Part 9

Description: Steve Rogers wakes up in the 21st century to learn that he missed more than he could ever realize.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader; Steve Rogers & Y/N [Platonic]

Word Count: 3,000

Previously On...

Y/N slowly came to and felt the vibrations of a car. She could tell they were moving at a high speed. But the car quickly went to the back of her head when she realized she wasn’t laying down on a seat. She was laying across someone’s lap, their arms wrapped around her protectively. She felt the cold touch of metal tracing circles across her skin.

Bucky. She was laying in Bucky’s lap.

Her eyes fluttered open to find that Bucky’s bright blue eyes were already staring back at her.

“Hey…” She whispered without thinking.

“Hi,” Bucky whispered back, with a little side smirk.

He knew that she’d be okay. But his body lifted in relief at her finally coming back to consciousness.

Steve must’ve heard, because he was quickly turning around from the driver’s seat to look at her.

“You’re awake. How ya feelin’?” Steve knew better than to act too concerned or sound like he was babying her.

“Fine.” Y/N answered quickly and immediately tried to sit up.

That was a mistake and she attempted to hide her grimace when her head was instantly met with a raging migraine.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Bucky warned. “Take it easy, doll.”

Y/N’s eyes flickered to the the front of the car to see that both Steve and Sam’s jaws were clenched after hearing Bucky call her ‘doll’.

“I’m fine.” Y/N snapped back and scooted to the other side of the backseat so she was no longer in Bucky’s lap. The car was small though, and she really couldn’t escape anyone even a little bit.

Then Y/N looked up and caught her reflection in the rear-view mirror. The right side of her face was black, blue, and yellow. The bruises were already healing from the downgraded serum. But they still looked awful.

Y/N held her breath, already knowing that Bucky probably felt terrible and fully responsible for the injuries.

When she glanced over at him, his eyes were trained straight ahead and looking at the road. It was obvious he didn’t want to meet her gaze anymore. His relief at seeing she was okay was short-lived.

“Where are we going?” Y/N finally broke the silence.

“Leipzig/Halle Airport.” Sam answered as he glanced behind to look at her.

“We gotta make a stop before that though.” Steve added.

Y/N just nodded and looked at Bucky again. But he was still pretending she wasn’t there.

Steve explained the situation, told Y/N how Zemo infiltrated the base and said the words that turned Bucky into the Winter Soldier. Bucky stayed quiet the entire time, never adding anything to Steve and Sam’s breakdown. He didn’t even chime in when Steve got to the part about Hydra freezing other Winter Soldiers.

A few hours later, Steve pulled off the highway and stopped beneath the underpass. Y/N kicked Steve’s seat up and escaped the backseat as soon as he got out. She muttered something about needing air before walking in the opposite direction of Sharon and Steve.

Bucky sighed as he turned around and looked out the back windshield to watch her.

“Man, if you don’t get your ass out of this car and go talk to her, I’ll beat the crap out of you.” Sam finally piped up after a minute.

Bucky glared at the back of his head, since Sam didn’t even bother to look at him as he gave the threat.

“Then can you move your seat up, so I can get out?” Bucky countered darkly.

“No.”

Bucky sighed as he scooted to the other side and got out from Steve’s door. When he walked to Y/N, her back was to him as she leaned against the cement support beam.

“You okay?” He asked her softly.

Her expression was annoyed. “Can you blame a girl for not wanting to see her cousin and grandpa make out?”

Bucky looked back at Sharon and blinked. This all got stranger and stranger.

But he just nodded his head, as he looked at the ground and kicked some rocks aside.

“Why didn’t you tell me about your… connection to Steve?”

Y/N’s ground her teeth together. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t play coy, Y/N. You never stopped me from thinking that you and Steve were together.”

Y/N finally turned to him and glared. “Why does it matter? Are you saying that you would’ve slept with me that night if you’d known I was Steve’s granddaughter, instead of Steve’s girlfriend?”

“That’s not fair.” Bucky shot back.

“Look, we don’t need to have this talk. I get it. I thought there was something between us. But clearly I imagined it.” Y/N’s body tensed up, showing that she was trying to hide her emotions. “I threw myself at you, like a total fucking bimbo. I don’t need to relive the rejection again, okay?”

“I almost killed you.” Bucky whispered, his voice shaking.

It made Y/N’s eyes flicker up to his.

“Those bruises could’ve easily been a broken neck… or something else that would’ve killed you.” He murmured as his eyes filled with tears. “Everything Hydra put in my head is still there. And I don’t think it’ll ever be gone.”

Then Bucky took in a deep breath. “You didn’t imagine it.”

Y/N stopped breathing. It was the closest thing she’d ever get to Bucky admitting his feelings for her.

“But I can’t.” He declared. It sounded like he was going to be sick. “I just can’t. And I’m sorry. But I have to keep you - ”

“If you say that you have to ‘keep me safe,’ I will punch you in the face, James Buchanan Barnes.” Y/N interrupted.

So he said nothing instead.

Then Y/N looked past Bucky to see that Steve was finally making his move on Sharon, locking his lips with hers.

Bucky followed her gaze.

“Steve just became America’s most wanted. He’s a criminal. Yet, somehow, even he’s not scared to let himself love the woman he wants.” Y/N knew it was a low blow. But she didn’t know what else to do. And, as childish as it was, she wanted to hurt Bucky, like he was hurting her.

Without waiting for a response, Y/N shoved past Bucky and back toward the car.

Sharon watched Y/N join her and Steve. She walked over to her trunk and handed Y/N a duffle bag. Y/N unzipped it to see all of her weapons that had been confiscated by Sharon’s team were in the bag, along with dozens of new ones. Below the weapons was a neatly folded combat suit.

“Thanks, cuz. You know me too well.” She winked at Sharon. Then she raised an eyebrow to Steve. “I’ll go back to the car if you two want to keep making out.”

“The mouth on that one…” Steve muttered.

Sharon laughed. “Yeah, I wonder where she got that from.”

Steve playfully glared at her.

Then the two of them watched as Bucky got back into the car too. But Y/N refused to even look at him.

“What’s going on there?” Sharon asked as she crossed her arms.

“Honestly?” Steve sighed. “I have no idea. But I’m not too happy about it.”

“Y/N is a grown woman, Steve.” Sharon argued.

“Yeah, but you don’t know Bucky. I might not even know him anymore.”

“Then maybe you should talk to him. I have a feeling that guy from back in the day is still in there.” Sharon offered.

“That’s what I’m worried about.” Steve mumbled under his breath. Images flashed in his mind of Bucky flirting with every pretty dame he could find, of him constantly having to remind Bucky of their names because there was so many.

————

Once they got to the airport and exchanged pleasantries with the rest of the team, everyone split up to change and prepare.

Steve ended up having a moment alone with Bucky.

Anyone with half a brain would be able to sense the tension.

“I know you want to ask, so just ask.” Bucky finally ended the silence.

“What happened between you two?”

“Nothing.” He answered firmly.

“It’s not nothing. I see the way you look at her.” Steve argued confidently. “And I saw the way you protected her in the tunnel, back in Berlin.”

Bucky’s shoulders dropped, knowing Steve deserved to know the truth.

But he took his time, thinking about what he wanted to say before actually opening his mouth.

“I knew she was following me,” Bucky explained softly. “But then I kept letting it happen. I was alone and she…she was the only person who knew who I really was. It was selfish. I know that. I thought if I let her follow me, but kept my distance, she’d stay safe.”

“But you didn’t keep your distance.” Steve pointed out.

“I tried. But she wouldn’t let me.” Bucky shook his head. “I could’ve tried harder. I know that. But Y/N - she…” The words died out. He knew he was walking a fine line between what he should share with Steve, his best friend, and Steve, Y/N’s protective grandfather.

“Do you love her?” Steve boldly asked.

Bucky just looked at him, pleading Steve not to make him answer.

But their conversation was interrupted by the airports alarm going off. Bucky listened to the foreign language and knew they were evacuating.

Steve gave Bucky a look that told him this conversation wasn’t over. But they both silently moved to rejoin the group.

Bucky’s gaze instantly found Y/N.

Her hair was pulled away from her face. She was wearing the combat suit Sharon had given her, along with fingerless gloves. There were countless weapons on her body. She was already flipping a knife in her hand.

Bucky wondered if Steve felt the same way when he first saw Peggy in uniform.

His eyes didn’t leave Y/N, as they all listened to Steve’s plan.

When Steve finally released them, Bucky quickly grabbed Y/N’s elbow before she could depart.

“Be careful out there, okay?” He told her tenderly.

Y/N wanted to snap back at him, say something rude. But his blue eyes were so soft and worried for her. She couldn’t bring herself to do it.

“You too.” She managed to mumble before walking away. She turned around and gave him one last glance before disappearing from his sight.

Sam grabbed his attention then, looking annoyed for having to wait even a moment.

The two men walked through the abandoned terminal in silence.

“You know, she has the same serum you and Steve do. It’s not as strong, but damn, is it there.” Sam told him. A part of him just wanted to shove it in Bucky’s face that he knew things about Y/N that he didn’t.

Bucky glared at him. It earned him a mischievous smirk from Sam.

“What I’m saying is that you don’t have to worry about her. She can take care of herself.” Sam added with only sincerity.

Bucky stared at him for a moment, caught off guard by the sudden gesture of kindness.

The battle was utter chaos.

Friends were fighting each other, strangers weren’t sure how hard to push, and Bucky couldn’t help but feel like it was all his fault. His eyes kept searching for Y/N every time he could spare a glance. To his relief, she was always winning. Sam was right when he said Y/N could hold her own.

Then Sam told Steve that some of them had to stay behind for Bucky and him to actually make it. Steve and Bucky shared a look. They each knew what the other was thinking. But they had to go. So the two of them sprinted forward.

“Y/N, you have to make it.” Wanda suddenly yelled out as she tried to hold the falling building that was threatening to block their path to the jet.

Bucky and Steve suddenly looked behind them to see that the Black Panther was racing after them, but Y/N was sprinting behind him, as well. She managed to tackle him before he could attack Bucky.

They were just at the edge of the hangar when Y/N rolled off him and then put herself between T’Challa and the two men. Her eyes were so trained on her enemy that she didn’t even realize Natasha was there as well.

“Get to the jet.” Y/N hissed to them, without taking her glare off T’Challa.

“Get out of my way, child. This is between me and Barnes.” T’Challa warned.

Y/N just tilted her head in challenge.

She was about to charge him when something whizzed past her face and landed on T’Challa, electrocuting him.

Y/N, Bucky, and Steve whipped around to see Nat with her arm raised.

“That won’t be necessary.” She said darkly. “What are you waiting for? Get out of here!” Nat scolded when the three of them remained frozen.

“N-Nat…” Y/N stuttered, knowing how much this betrayal could hurt her old mentor.

“Go, Y/N.” She said as she shocked T’Challa once again.

Next thing Y/N knew, Bucky was practically dragging her away. Now that she was at his side, he wasn’t letting her go.

Bucky sat at the back of the quinjet as he watched Steve and Y/N pilot the quinjet together.

It remained eerily quiet on the aircraft.

Y/N could practically feel the guilt and remorse Bucky was feeling as the events of the day finally settled.

“What’s going to happen to your friends?” Bucky finally asked.

Steve and Y/N looked at each other.

“Whatever it is, I’ll deal with it.”

Y/N remained quiet, somehow knowing that she understood the severe consequences they would face more than even Steve did. She’d worked for this government, in this world, in this time longer than Steve. There was still a naivety to him.

“I don’t know if I’m worth all this to you.” Bucky finally answered.

It was the first time Y/N heard him sound weak.

Steve’s heart broke from hearing it. “What you did all those years…wasn’t you. You didn’t have a choice.”

Y/N forced herself to turn around and look at Bucky. Her eyes urged him to believe the truth that Steve was telling him.

“I know,” Bucky agreed. His eyes flickered to hers before saying, “But I did it.”

Steve held his breath, not knowing what else to say to his broken friend.

Bucky got up, needing to move away instead of sitting in the same place. Y/N watched him move to the back of the quinjet, where the lights were dimmed and he stood in shadow.

Steve saw Y/N fidgeting in her seat. She wanted to go to him. But she was torn.

“Go talk to him.” Steve finally told her quietly.

“He doesn’t want me.” She said it as in he didn’t want to talk to her right then. But they both knew she meant he didn’t want her at all, not now or not ever.

“He’s scared.” Steve told her. “And he’s trying to protect you. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you.”

Y/N looked at him in shock. Was Steve really trying to push them together?

“So go talk to him.” He repeated.

She nodded, almost in embarrassment, and then unbuckled her seatbelt to go to the back of the quinjet.

Bucky was sitting on a pulldown seat in the shadows.

Y/N pulled down another right next to him.

“All that time following you, I should’ve made it clear to you that you aren’t to blame for any of that shit you did.” She sighed.

“I killed children… ruined families… dismantled governments… you don’t get to just brush all of that aside, Y/N. Someone has to take responsibility and I think the man who pulled all the triggers should be the one to do it.”

“You weren’t a man.” Y/N snapped almost too harshly. “When someone drops a bomb on a country, killing thousands of people, does the world blame the bomb? No. They blame the person who ordered the attack. You were a bomb, Bucky, a weapon. Hydra’s to blame, not you. It should never be you.”

“Why is it so easy for you to forgive me?” Bucky finally whispered.

“Because I…” Y/N stopped for a moment, “care about you.” But her eyes told a different story.

Bucky watched her, blue eyes taking in every detail about her. She was tired and sweaty from battle. But he still thought she looked as beautiful as ever.

“What do I have to do to keep you on this jet when we land?” Bucky whispered with utter desperation.

Y/N was shaking her head before he even finished the question, “You know I’m not going to let you and Steve face this alone.”

Bucky sighed with a smirk. “I had a feeling you’d say something like that.”

Then his eyes were skipping between her eyes and lips.

Bucky pulled her to him by the back of her neck and crashed his lips against hers.

This kiss was different than that night in Romania.

Now Bucky didn’t hold back his feelings. Last time, he was simply responding and allowed Y/N to take control. But now he was absolutely the one in control.

Y/N had been too drunk and hazy to realize how amazing of a kisser Bucky was. But now the realization was hitting her like a freight train.

Eventually Bucky had to pull himself away, remembering that they weren’t completely alone. Not only that, their moment was being somewhat witnessed by his best friend and Y/N’s grandpa.

“Please, please, please be careful out there, doll. Stay close to me and Steve.” Bucky all, but begged.

Y/N was still in a daze from their intoxicating kiss that all she could do was nod her head.

“We’re landing in 10.” Steve called back to them.

By some miracle, his eyes were too trained on the sky ahead to notice the passionate kiss the two of then had just shared.

----------

Part 10 [Epilogue]

Write me a book review, write me a diary entry. <3333

#heritage series #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #marvel reader insert #bucky barnes reader insert #steve rogers' granddaughter #grandpa!steve rogers #Y/N Ainsley #bucky barnes angst

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rarestereocats · 6 years

Text

rundown on tonight’s session!

we pack up and bid the island vacation farewell. after dropping my sisters off at home and witnessing Tenin struggle after eating a whole muffin in one go, we head directly to Thaddeus to get our new mission. after he gets the scoop on our time there, he decides to tease Tenin, who is waiting in anticipation for the mission. he leans in close, smiles, and then tells him that he needs to clean the trash off the streets.

Tenin’s world is fucking shattered. he doesn’t understand the human experience of A Joke. eventually we let him in on it and get our actual mission. we’re to go back into enemy territory and play Red Cross basically. bring any displaced, suffering citizens to our lands as we rebuild their shit to win them over.

we’re taking a whole big ol’ shindig of wagons and soldiers for this cuz we gotta hit nine towns. we head home to get some sleep and wake up the next morning to the first snow of the season. i hate it. Industria mentions she was born in the winter, so i said it did one good thing. we head out, but something’s not right. Tenin, the most intense man to ever exist, is so...subdued.

Samuel asks him what’s up and Tenin brings up how we want him to tell us when he’s in pain. well, he’s in pain. emotional pain and it runs deep. he points to his stomach at first, cuz again, this man’s anatomy is constantly shifting. and again, extremely concerning, but don’t think about it too hard. he finally points to his heart. that’s where it hurts. :(

we head out, stopping by to pick up the map and information. Thaddeus says we need a single leader for this mission. he suggests me at first, but i panic and say i’m the least qualified here not realizing that i was actually more qualified than some. so he moves to Xaren who accepts. Xaren becomes our “general” and now we can head out. we meet up with the caravans, explain the plan, and begin our journey.

Depression Tenin is still going strong. it’s a little unnerving, honestly. he asks us what we all plan to do after the war. Industria says she wanted to do a bit of the travel, but with the Velevana situation, she’s sticking around. i say i have no clue cuz i never expected to be here in the first place. Samuel says he’s leaving with Xaren (aww). Rikius says he’s sticking with the military. Tenin asks why if we’re going into an era of peace.

Rikius says the military will still keep order. plus there’ll be recruits to train. at that, Tenin’s spirits are lifted. he is revived. Rikius saved our boy. he has plans now, a future. he’ll train recruits. as we watch the existential dread fade from him, Elathera asks Rikius to see his bow. Industria makes a dirty joke and i uncomfortably choke back a laugh as Rikius looks away quickly.

we camp the fuck out in the fort. i join Rikius with the hunting party and get to finally Assassin’s Creed something in this campaign and i overkill a fucking mountain goat. as his goat family scatters, they’re shot down by arrows before they have a chance to gain PTSD and it’s horrific, guys. we grab our kills, take them back to the fort, and cook their asses up.

Xaren takes some cooked goat to Samuel and they have a touching moment. we also get to learn that Samuel had the opportunity to move up the military ranks, but turned it down. Elathera crafts a cabin and loses it to overeager soldiers, but meets a nice man named Elliot. he’s a semi-cute 6, but she’s smitten by him. after their awkward, cute talk, Industria bursts out laughing and pokes fun at her.

as Industria gets ready for bed, a man stops her to hit her with a really bad pickup line that she sees coming from a mile away. “did it hurt?”. i can feel the life drain from him as she turns around and finishes it with, “not at all, i have wings.”. he thinks she’s fucking around, so cue the holy choir as she spread her wings. he’s starstruck.

somebody walks up to me and asks if my ears are real. i’m taken aback and ask why they’d think that. after they awkwardly stutter an answer, they straight up run off. Rikius says it was amusing and jokingly asks if my tail’s real. i tell him to pull it and find out. we eventually retire to my tent and after some awkward kissing as i realize that maybe i should actually use my mouth to talk to people instead of smack maws with them, he asks me if everything’s okay.

i try to figure “us” out and bring it up and he teases me. he says he’s not quite sure what “this” is and i say it could be something more. he ponders it for a moment and as he goes to leave, i tell him he can stay and just talk. as we’re both the sort to bottle shit up, he says he needs time, so we cuddle for a bit. i realize he has to meditate and let him have his space as he gets shirtless (thethirstisreal) and admire the view.

next morning, we make sure the tunnel’s clear for the caravans. we get a little dicey with some kobolds, but we manage to reach a diplomatic solution and carry on. Elliot and Elathera chat each other up some more as Xaren and Samuel eavesdrop. i walk up and we begin roasting the fuck out of her after Elliot leaves. Xaren then drags my ass about love being in the air.

Samuel invites Elliot back to ride in our carriage and the minute we all pile on, the roasting continues. Elathera and Elliot both turn redder than the communist manifesto and then i come for Xaren. i get him and Samuel blushing and for some reason, Xaren spares me. he could’ve killed me, but he shows mercy. the minute anybody comes for him though, he’s coming for me and i now know True Fear.

we ride the love carriage and decide to camp out in the fields. Elliot and Elathera go spend some time together and get to know each other. they get a little flirty with each other and end their night swapping stories in their tent and sharing homemade candy Elliot made. i bring up how nice he seems to Rikius and he wonders if he’s my type. i say no. solid 6. plus i’m not into humans and at that, i get another laugh.

me and Rikius actually have a full conversation, folks. we fucking did it. i kept my mouth to myself and we open up to one another emotionally. we both realize we tend to live for other people too much and he reminds that i should live for myself. we also both realize we’re stuck in this war despite not wanting to be here really. i tell him that no matter what, i got his back and he thanks me.

i go out and talk with Xaren. we have another Therapy Corner and i manage to tell both him and Rikius the whole truth about Cat. i tell him that’s why i tend to be so clingy and attached, but he says he appreciates it. he hugs me and tells me that the party wouldn’t trade me for anybody and i nearly cry. as he’s holding on, he digs the the angst a little deeper and tells me that i’m one of his closest friends, and i cry.

he tells me to go bunk with Samuel for the night, so me and Samuel nerd out for the night. Rikius and Xaren have a quick chat and Xaren returns to his tent later to find me and Samuel passed the fuck out in a pile.

#adventures of the volunteer fire department #oc: zakina kociak #game: pathfinder crusades

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noxrynne · 7 years

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i dont really have the highest hopes for making the goal i had for school odds are i fail a class, do poorly in another or two, and maybe get by decently in one of them i really regret doing online courses since it always goes back to “oh i missed that because it wasn’t posted,” “oh the professors don’t use the news alert system when new stuff is added with a concise explanation of what I need to do in that post blurb that’s 3500 words of bs,” “oh i didnt realize this awkward and uncomfortable ‘post your personal assignments here that are about yourself so a bunch of strangers can also read and criticize it’ was required,” “the syllabus is written out of order, it’s messy and has a bunch of color code usage that’s never explained and makes reading it harder and, oh, they want me to print it out too bad i dont have a fucking printer and looking at it makes me want to throw up since it’s literally just everything put up on a page and i just start panicking because its so much stuff and it immediately overwhelms me” i also fuckin hate the professors who’ll say like “if you’re here just to get a degree you’re in the wrong place” b/c it’s like college costs a lot of fuckin money and you can bet your ass the only reason im here is to get a degree so i can eventually have a job that lets me be financially stable. trying to say “oh it’s just for funtime education” is bullshit when it costs what it does and isn’t even accessible to everyone from the get-go. i could learn the exact same shit for free from a fucking library and the internet, and talk to people i know if i have questions about material. but that doesn’t give me the piece of paper i need. idk i wish there was more of a “oh i can go do this and be fine financially” rather than needing to spend years in a university because i really hate it. i *wish* i hadn’t fucked up before and been as suicidal and couldve got through it *before* its used as a “yea we can’t have you here cuz you dropped out in the past” *even when* it’s an associated school with the one i *did* drop out of and they told me they *would* re-accept me when i was healthier. no im not a great student. i get overwhelmed really easily, i stress out over everything too much, i break down if i miss one assignment. i dont do well on the shit i actually try really hard at. i dont participate in class because it’s a terrifying experience to be called a fucking “idiot” again by a professor (ty philosopher dickhead at uwgb im gonna fucking punch you if i ever see you) i *forget* about assignments a *lot* and *yes* that’s a *my* problem thing but it’s something so extremely difficult to work around without having someone telling me about it, or just having a visible schedule written down about what’s due on a front page that always pops up. which i mean yeah it’s extra work i guess for the professor to just copy paste some info that’d really help me out, and no i dont have this issue as much in a traditional school b/c i actually *go* to the classes to sit in and be reminded through that. and yea im probly gonna fail out unless the other university sighs and says “well she did try and it was online” and ngl i probably would be *fine* in a regular classroom oriented thing *now* it’s more organized and there’s a schedule i can keep to and get into and when i get *into* a schedule i stick to it 100% b/c i derive a sense of security, existence and safety from having schedules. but if i fail out and they dont sigh and say “okay” then im kinda fucked. i mean, i could probably attempt to get through another year there and maybe go to the actual school instead of the online bullshit and *maybe* then i’d actually meet the reqs. but idk if that offer is gonna stand after this year. and idk im just back to feeling really fucking hopeless and empty. i mean ive been feeling this way all this month. i feel like nothings fucking worth it because i feel like i just cant do it. and that ultimately im gonna end up fucked. and i *know* im 90% of the problem. i *know* my thinking of “what’s the point” is screwing me over. i *know* accidentally falling asleep an staying asleep for a whole day is a fucking issue. i *know* i shouldnt forget important shit i need to do. i *know* i should participate no matter how fucking uncomfortable and frightened it makes me. but it feels fucking *impossible* to work with 0 energy. it feels terrifying to be asked “write an introspective piece about yourself and reflect on the events of your life that made you who you are today” BECAUSE i dont talk about THAT STUFF to people I DONT KNOW i *BARELY* covered those topics in *therapy* because of how uncomfortable they make me. and I DONT need a bunch of strangers in a class knowing the shit that happened to me. and fuck i feel like the entire idea behind the writing assignment was “oh this’ll be fun haha” but it’s like... remembering *most of the shit hat directly impacted how i am today* is one of the most fucking difficult things for me to do, especially publicly. i *regret* online schooling. i didnt realize how much i dont work with it until i thought about it this year. i get overwhelmed. i get stressed. i get depressed. i get suicidal. i get hopeless. i feel useless. i didnt realize i *need* to actually *go* to a class because it helps with the isolation i put myself in. because i straight up actually understand shit when someone is actually explaining it to me and not just handing me a textbook and saying “read it that’s it that’s the entire class, but oh, write an informed paper structured off what you read and if you dont understand the material well go fuck yourself i guess.” and in actually *going* there to a physical room it becomes easier to do things like homework and assignments *because i can walk over to the library*. what *really* shit on my previous school ability was like i was overwhelmed (we *just* moved to a *completely* different state and environment, i *just* had a series of panic attacks in italy b/c i thought i could handle it on my own) and the first school didn’t have a/c and it was fucking 101 outside every day and i dont do well in heat, and by that, i mean i hyperventilate, i get dizzy, i get lightheaded, i get emotional and frightened and stressed and cant sleep. the professor who asked if we read the chapter (I DID) and then pointed at me to explain what i read (I DIDNT FUCKING UNDERSTAND IT), and when i finished he just laughed and told me to sit down and pretty much called me an idiot in front of everyone and i started crying. (i also got a 0 so i failed the reading since he didnt believe i read it). at *that* school there were no therapy or counseling or offers like that. the art building made me cry and feel unsafe (i couldnt control it), having to walk *all* the way back to my dorm building at 12AM b/c that’s when my one class ended was *terrifying* then in a different school it was just i had a class that made me physically uncomfortable to be in. i *hated* being in the freshman course for feminism so much. not b/c i hate the material, but i felt so “other” and uncomfortable b/c im a trans woman being asked about my male perspective on shit and i just. i remember leaving because i just felt upset and depressed and i couldn’t get over the really bad dysphoria i kept having in that class (the professor there was the reason i went to counseling on campus, she’s the one who referred me to it in the first place). on top of that, the dorm i was told id be getting was a fucking lie. i was supposed to have one or 0 roommates. i got 5 roommates. beds didn’t fit me b/c of my height (i slept with the back of my feet on an iron bar). the food was straight fucking garbage. one of my roommates just randomly touched me all the time. hugged me, put arms around my neck, *kissed my cheek*. another was always drunk and loud. another talked about making bombs incessantly. one of them seemed actually concerned about me and he came in once or twice when i was face down on my bed just not moving b/c of therapy sessions and talked to me once or twice to make sure i was still alive. friday mornings in winter id be up at 5AM, trying to get ready without waking any of the 5 other people, then walk outside with no access to breakfast/coffee/anything (b/c too early) to get to a class across and off the campus i had to walk to (and when snow was present my feet were numb b/c of all the water that got into my shoes). and then there was the legit getting 4 hours of sleep if that a week. eating basically nothing. extremely suicidal and getting to the point where i was having days where i legitimately could not discern what was real and wasn’t. and then i left ‘cuz my other option was to be hospitalized. from there its just been attempts at online schools. which i already tiraded about above. i mean fuck id be happy if i *could* just go work in retail and make a decent wage and not have to work every waking hour of my life to make it work. like. i *wish* i was lucky enough to be one of those “i had no degree but x really liked my resume” stories i always read about. i *wish* writing and publishing a book was considered and *was* a viable career option without needing to get really fucking lucky. im passionate about writing fiction, but in order to do that professionally, i need a 4 year degree from an institution. i can technically publish something, but if no one ever hears about it or cares, then it doesn’t become a job to have and it does little else. and then there’s also just a lot of irl shit i keep worrying about and dwelling on and nearly making some really fucked up or stupid decisions in the interim. and idk i just i wish i was one of those ppl who felt like they had a future and aren’t likely to die before age 25. or one of those people who just *does* something and it works out and they get to exist.

#its just a long rant i felt like i needed to get out

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rezilient-m3 · 4 years

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9) This is another long one. I hate to write out this part because it's going to stir up old feelings. This next part is about Alex. To me, the beginning of us was amazing; it was new and exciting. He picked me up when I was at my lowest. Made me happy at the time.

Anyways, like I've said before, we met each other when he was seeing my sister S, and I had just had my 3rd daughter. We fooled around that summer, into early winter of 2012. I don't remember the last time I've seen him that time. Once, though, we met up at a bar. He was with the woman he was living with at the time too. I think I called her Laura. Anyways, we both had drinks (she wasn't drinking and had no idea about us, she just thought we were friends) So, we went back to their place. Long story short, she busted us making out in the garage after she said she was going to bed lol. Horrible people. Think that was the time he followed me and we woke up passed out in his car in my back yard. Idk. Besides the point, that's just how she ended up not liking me. He had always kept in touch though, always writing to me out of the blue, just to talk. There was always that little bit of excitement to hear from him especially when he'd admit he thinks about me still. He ended up moving from the city early the next year to a one horse town 5 hours east and bought a big, old building. His excuse was to get away from Laura. Which was always a weird story between them. From what he told me, she asked if she could move her stuff into his place as storage cuz she had nowhere to put them and he let her. Now, he always goes out of town for work, so she just moved herself in. I laughed at him cuz you can't just end up in a relationship and living with someone against your will, but whatever lol. So, they've lived together throughout that year, which is now 2013.

This is the year I had my own things going on. For one, still being with James, getting a new house for us and the girls, and school in the fall. So, this would be the year everything fell apart too. Nov, James beat the hell out of me, sister S told Alex, Alex messaged to ask "what the hell?", told him about it and continued to talk. By Christmas, I'm alone with my cousin and my little half sister. Then Boxing Day he tells me he has a truck to look at in the city and wants to see me the next day, I say sure. Then immediately regrets it, as I'm a nervous wreck when he's texting saying he was on his way. I'm sober and freaking out cuz I haven't seen him in over a year. I almost tell him to not come and make up an excuse as to why lol. I was always weird about talking to someone I like sober, it was always easy to do it when I was drinking. It was my sister that calmed me down, all she said was, "all you gotta do is open the door and say hi and go from there." Which was totally true lol. He came, I opened the door, and to my shock he was very hairy lol. He had a huge beard and big hair. He's naturally curly, but I never knew that cuz I've never seen him like this lol. But it had went okay after that. We all got nice and drunk, had sex all night until he had to go back home to get to work. Now, before you ask, Laura was still at his place BUT was supposed to move out right away. He made it clear they weren't together, she was just very stubborn as to leaving. Whatever.

He leaves, then I leave New Years Eve. Again, to remind you, I left my house to my cousin, so all I take with me is a duffel bag of clothes. My sister and I catch the bus to the next city, where our mom and her then bf lived. I ended up staying there for almost 3 weeks, not missing a day of being drunk. Alex did come out twice. He took days off just to come. At the time I didn't think of it as a big deal but later I seen how much he must've cared because he was 6 or 7 hours away and asked for days off saying he had appts to come just to spend a night or 2 with me. Cute. Anyways, there came the time where I told him I was ready to go home, which was my mum's house on the reserve, cuz where else was I gonna go? Lol. And that's when he told me to come visit him before I do. Mind you, at the time I didn't fully understand what it was he did, or why he was always working in a different town, but I agreed. He bought me a bus ticket and off I went. Fricken bus ride took me nearly 10 hours with all the layovers, so that was a horrible ride. Especially being so hung over lol.

I arrive to a semi small town, where he stays in a hotel and I have to admit, I wasn't as comfortable I thought I was now that I was spending time with him sober. It was a little bit awkward. To this day, I don't think I've ever admitted that to him. Our routine ended up being: he wakes up super early, goes to work. I'm in the hotel, sleeping or watching tv. It wasn't that much fun, but I liked him. Anyways, I found that if I drank about 5 beer by the time he got back, I wasn't so awkward. Then we'd go out for supper and go buy his munch stuff and back to the room and drink a bit more and sleep. So, that's what we did for a long time.

At that job, his shift was 21 days on and 4 days off. So, I was finally going to see his building he's told me about. (While we were there he told Laura I was with him and she HAS to leave his place now) So, I didn't get a nice message from her. Even my sister S was upset I ended up with him too. (It would be years for her to finally come around). Anywhoo, we get to his house and have fun. Of course, we both stayed drunk the whole time. Then, it was back to work and I followed again, so, back to that same routine. It goes on like this until he got laid off that spring. Mind you, we never had the conversation of us moving in together, but it just happened that way. I always laugh about that.

Next few months was good, some parts bad, but still, the feelings I had were still new and exciting. I thought I was happy. My parents finally met him in March of 2014, I finally decided I had to go home and visit. He drive me up to the closest town before he had to go to work. I remember my mum saying, "he's not even an old man" lol. James had told her I was cheating on him with an old man before and she remembered that cuz she knew it was him I was fooling around with. So, that was funny. Then, I went back after whatever shift that was.

He started to hit me. He said he's never hit a woman before but I just knew how to drive him crazy. Whatever. I stayed cuz I had nowhere else to go. I was 7 hours away from my parents and no vehicle. So, I stayed. We'd make up or act like it never happened after he apologized. Went on like this for the rest of that year. But when we were good, we were great! When we were bad, we were worse. It was a love/hate relationship. To me, I felt like I didn't with James, or anybody else. Plus, I thought to myself, for someone who is 14 years older, he can't do any better lol. So, for the life of me, I never thought he'd ever cheat. (We'll get into that in a bit, when it's too late)

I go home the end of November, while he's at a job again. I went out drinking with my sister B, her long time bf, my gay uncle and an old man who likes to drink. I told Alex the next day I didn't remember getting home. That info is important cuz I ended up pregnant in December. Found out for real after New Years. No, this was what he wanted since summer, since we went to his home province and I met his family. He wasn't excited about my news. He wasn't excited cuz to him, that night I don't remember going home, I cheated on him, so the baby couldn't be his. That was disappointing. I tried to tell him i had no one to cheat with and I would have known the next day if I did anything cuz a girl could always know. But that didn't matter. It was a shitty first few months. I refused to get a paternity test because I thought it could have hurt the baby. When I learned all I had to do was give a blood sample I thought of it. I was mad though. I didn't want it because I KNEW! And it made worse cuz he didn't believe me. When I was about 4 or 5 months I gave in to the test, only because I kept thinking about the day I had our baby. I wanted him to be genuinely happy, not filled with doubt. Stupid. So, I did. He paid like 2300 for it. Waste, cuz the baby was his, but we found out it was a boy. What really bothered me about the whole thing was he didn't keep any of this from his family, friends, and Laura, of all fucken people. I seen in his messages he still talked to her and told her about our personal shit. I hated that. So, to all of them, I must've looked like a cheater for agreeing to the test. (Karma from my last relationship? Lol)

Towards the end of my pregnancy we got the news that his dad had cancer and it was spreading pretty quickly. He asked for a layoff and we went visit him for a few days. I won't get into the mess his stepmother had caused at the time, but we left a few days before he died. He died on Aug 3rd, 2015. Our son was born Aug 16. It must've been a hard time for him. I didn't know how to be there for him. I felt useless. I was happy for our baby, though. I can't imagine how torn he was with all of those emotions at the time.

After awhile, we got into the habit of drinking again. When he was gone to work I'd always ask my little half sister, or anybody to come sty with me, usually to have someone to drink with. (I forgot to mention I had a cousin that lived 10 minutes away from me. Learned that a cpl months after moving to that town, so she was always around). Anyways, Alex didn't like it when I drank when he was gone. A total fucken hypocrite cuz we were drunks when he was home. So, the calls to the cops started. All winter through spring, he must've called on me like 4 or 5 times. Cops would come and see we were okay, like I had someone saying that they would watch him or I was okay enough that they'd leave. There were times too, after calling the cops, that he'd just quit his job and come home. So unnecessary, but that's where the resentment and shit came in. His feelings of him "having" to quit his job, and I was still mad at the paternity test and him telling everybody about it. We argued a lot. Last time he called the cops and quit his job, I left. I guess Social Services were called and told Alex I couldn't see my son unless it was supervised. Plus, he had my history with social services to use against me too. It was spring time, and our baby wasn't that old. I went home, and did what I always did: drink.

After a weekend in no reception at the cabins getting hammered, I came home on a Sunday to voicemails I didn't check until that next day. Here dummy got himself put in jail and our son in care. He got arrested for drinking and driving, putting our baby at risk and endangering, and assault of a police officer. (At the time if was attempted murder on a police officer cuz cop said he tried to run him over) it was crazy. And I couldn't do anything about my baby cuz of what just happened before I left. Stupid dummy. I blamed him so much.

He stayed in jail from April to October. While I was doing anything and everything to get my son out of care, his fucken mom served both of us with court papers wanting custody. That shocked the hell out of me. I was so broken. Luckily for us she lived in another country so she couldn't get him right away. But we decided to be together and fight against her. Especially that he had no one once his mother turned on him. So, it was up to me to take care of everything from vehicles, dogs, his bills, his lawyer, my lawyer, and all my programming. That was a rough summer alone. I went to rehab, went visit my baby as much as I could, and all the while being there for him. I found out that since we started dating, he was talking to another woman, one who he used to date when he was younger. He planned on seeing her the first time I went home in March the year before, but she always tends to stop communicating with him months at a time. Then, I found out he was saying for oral and sex before, during and right after I was pregnant. I confronted him about the callgirls on one of our calls and he denied everything. I was sick to my stomach. I didn't talk to him for over a week. It was going to be our son's 1st bday and I was on my way to visit him with my mum. I never told her why I was upset and not speaking to him, but I let him talk to him while we were with our baby. Then I went back to ignoring him. I did that until I had to talk to him about court. I knew there was no way I'd win anything if it was going to be me against him against his mom. So, I had to be in this together so his mother wouldn't win our son. I had to put all that shit aside and deal with this mess. It was so conflicting because I hated him and couldn't help but blame him, but I still, truly, loved him. By the time he was going to get out, my dad stopped paying for my lawyer and said Alex can pay the rest since it was his mom doing it. I needed up owing over 7000. Alex never paid. That debt is still sitting there. But nobody really won anything in court. Alex got out in the end of September, we got our baby back the beginning of Oct and court just stopped because our baby was in our care again. I hated his mom so much that time.

We went back to living together. We never were the same though. I still felt the hurt and resentment of everything. And I never really felt the gratitude of what I did for the both of us to get through that nightmare. We just went back to drinking and fighting. The first half of 2017 we knew we were going to try move from that small town. Mainly because our son now seen an eye specialist and required regular visits and would soon need an eye surgery. So, our goal was an area closer to the city. We sold most of our things through that summer, our camper, our skidoos, vehicles. Got rid of things we didn't need and prepared for the move. All the while still not being good. Sure, we had sex, slept in the same bed and had fun sometimes, but there was always that looming feeling of the end would be soon. With that mindset, it was bound to happen. On top of everything else, he couldn't drive because of why he went to jail, so I was the only one with a license. (I had just got mine back cuz I got a dui once the year before driving his car back from my brother's place in another city. That's another story). I only had my license for awhile. One time our son and I returned to our house from a visit from my mums and I wanted to go out with my cousin and her friends. He wouldn't let me, even though I said I'd have a sober driver. I ended u sneaking out and took off with the car lol. He called the cops and I got arrested. He denied it him being the one to call but who else would it be. So, this was another thing to resent him for, even though I was the dumbass that left while buzzed.

There was a lot of unresolved shit between us. We both knew that. We moved to a small town just 20 kms away from the city in Nov of 2017. It was November 14, we broke up and I was gone November 28. Just enough time to situate his house lol. My friend Charles laughed at me for that. This was my spiral. He still worked away from home so required someone to watch our son and he didn't want it to be me. This devastated me because I would have been okay. I knew I wouldn't have been drinking if I had my son at my mum's house. But he didn't care. He got Laura to watch our son. Imagine the betrayal I felt. She eventually moved into his place and watched our son. I remember thinking she got what she always wanted, a son to raise with him. She had said that to him before when they dated, since she couldn't give him any children that he should knock up a girl and they could raise his baby. Real fucked. Lol. But it wasn't funny in my mind. I really thought they'd end up a thing and my son would end up calling her mom. I still came visit, and Alex did let me take home my son when he was home from work. There was two times soon after our break up I came and we'd act like we were together. But we'd fight after a night of drinking and I'd leave again. It was stupid. That whole year of 2018, I barely seen my son, probably once a month, sometimes longer than that. It was rough for me.

I was on a binge of different guys and drinking more than ever. I just didn't care. It gotten so bad by summer. After every binge I'd be so hungover sick and depressed in ym mum's basement, contemplating my suicide. It seemed every time it was getting worse. I thought it out carefully. I couldn't bring myself to do it in their home, so knew it would be somewhere else. One time I went home drunk, grabbed lots of pills, went out and locked myself in the shack, was writing a draft in my email about all the shit that was on my mind, and took the pills and downed my vodka. I woke up that next morning with throw up around the side of me. I honestly never woke up like that in my life. So, to me, it was like someone or something had to do it. It scared me. Didn't stop me from drinking though. But the thing that really saved me that time was my dad. He pulled me out of his basement to follow him to the next big town to shop for his store, which was almost everyday. Then every evening, when I wasn't drinking he'd cal me to tell me he needed help. I spent most of my time with him. I really got to know him, like I hadn't before. This was amazing. I could talk to him about not feeling like myself and how sad I was. I never told him about the pills but he knew I was broken. Cuz to me, at the time I had fuck all to live for. My oldest son was in a good place, with his grandparents, my daughter's had no idea who I was and my son had his dad and Laura. So fuck my life, I felt like nothing. But that man, my hero, pulled me out of the darkest place I've ever been. He doesn't know how bad it was and probably doesn't have the faintest idea of what an impact he had on me, but he really did save me. I'll forever be grateful for that.

As for Alex and I, you can tell there were still feelings between us, despite everything. When we talked, we flirted. When I visited, he would always find a way to just come hold me. It was very confusing. When it got closer to fall, I decided I was going to get sober. Not for him, but for me. For how dark I got. I stopped drinking the end of September of 2018. I filled in a request to go to rehab in the beginning of Oct, didn't find out I was going to one until Dec. But I did drink one more time. Nov 7 I decided to go back to my mom and little half sister's city with them to visit. I thought I'd know how and was thinking of all the sober things I'd do instead of drinking. I was stupid. I didn't last 10 minutes of leaving the bar on our way. I drank for 8 days straight. My dad sent my sister J to come get me when I said I was done and wanted to come home. I broke my dad's heart that time. He told me weeks later he cried the night I left. I still feel bad for it. Anyways, Alex knew about everything. I told him i wasn't drinking anymore, that I was waiting to hear about a bed in rehab and he knew when I left with my mom and went drinking. He was upset with me. His words were when I told him I was at my mom's, "I know I have no right to be mad at you but I'm mad at you." I just laughed but I knew it was because he still cared.

That next month, in Dec, he made my year when he said I could have our kid at Christmas, just cuz he took him to his family the tear before after we've separated. And we were talking more. I never thought we'd get back together cuz in my mind we were done a long time ago. But things were clear that we were always flirting, like kids lol. Laura was still here and his mom was visiting them before Christmas. So, they were both here when I come get him. This would be the first time I've seen or spoken to his mom since the whole court thing so I wasn't about to spend any time on her. I came in, said hi, grabbed my son and left. I was scheduled to go into rehab Jan 7, so Alex had asked me if I wanted to come home, as in move back in. That caught me by surprise but I was going to. I was going to come back with our son in time to spend New Years with them and go to rehab from his house. That all changed when James called me out of nowhere on Dec 30th at like 1030. Then that's when I spent my last week with my girls for the first time in 5 years.

I could tell Alex was scared I was going to end up with James, but I knew I could never be with him again, even if I was still going to be single. So I went to rehab my scheduled date, was about 6 days in until I got asked to leave lol. My counselor told me I had a warrant for arrest from an assault charge against Alex, and I was like whaaaaa? (Which just now makes sense as to why lol. Back in the summer of 2017, Alex was working, living out of camper. We went visit and of course, drinking. Anyways our kid was crying, him n I were fighting and I was going to put our kid to bed, while waiting for my little sister to come get me. Instead, our baby opened the door, went flying out and fell on the ground. Alex claimed he seen me push him out. Of course I didn't, I was trying to grab him. He called cops and I got charged. Didn't stand in court because not enough evidence. One of the many stupid shit I had to deal with.) Anyways, it was this charge they've must have been talking about. At the time, I couldn't think of why because I thought the charge was against him, cuz they both have the same names and thinking I've never gotten charged for him before. Now I feel dumb for not thinking of it before lol. Anyways, I was told to leave until I have it dealt with because they couldn't have anybody in the facility with that kind of unresolved charge. I called my mum, then my dad and he was going to send someone for me until he asked what Alex was doing. Then, I thought, "hey, why not call him? We were sort of together." lol. So, I did, and he come got me. Laura was still in his house so that was super awkward lol. But during this time, I got to spend a weekend with him. I got to feel those feelings for the first time in a long time and to see and feel that we do still love each other. Maybe it was all just meant to happen the way it did that time. Cuz now, I was going in there with the feeling of certainty, like I had reasons of doing this and I was going to fight for us again.

Then I finished and got my shit together. I thought things would be awesome between James and I too, I thought he was finally going to grow up and my life would fall into place. Fuck was I wrong. He still has a stick up his butt about Alex and I, so I never got to see my girls again since the last weekend of rehab. Screw him. Anyways, I finished Feb 16 or something. Waited until March to realize nothing has changed between James and I. So, I called legal aid, I also applied to school. I was making steps to a better future. All the while, things were great between Alex, our kid and me. I was finally happy. Like, truly happy. I started school in Spetember 2019, my boy started prek, and I got my 1st appt with my lawyer on Sept 13 too.

My happiness was shattered when Alex got home in Oct. He was away at a camp job, gone for about 3 or 4 weeks. When he got home I opened his computer and found sites for callgirls. That was a punch in the stomach. Even Googling "can you get STDs from oral?" Like, hell yes you can, stupid. Holy fuck that was harsh. Especially that I finally felt content, for the first time since the beginning of us. Anyways, that night I read that, he was putting our son to bed, I went in, kissed my son and walked out. Luckily for me, my sister J and her bf were in the city for an appt, so I went crash there and went to school that morning. I told him what I found and he denied everything, as usual. We separated. I went home that weekend and even found a place to move into for myself. When I told him this he said I didn't have to leave and after I thought about everything, I stayed. Not with him. I moved into the bedroom downstairs and we lived like that for almost 2 months. Slowly, it got easier to talk to him as if we were friends again. Then, of course, after awhile he asked if he could hug me. Then, those hugs turned into pecks on the lips... then, I found myself crawling into his bed one morning because I missed him. Maybe I'm a sucker. Maybe I'll regret it. Maybe that was it. Idk. We were together since. And since, he's been away to work once or twice. But for now, I'm starting to feel happy again. But I still have those doubts. What if he's still doing what he was doing? I hate it sometimes.

Right now, he went to another city for the night to get parts for a vehicle he's trying to sell, so that's why I decided to do this. I told him I was writing about our story and how ugly it was and I hope he's done with all the stupid shit. He says he loves me more than anything or anyone, besides our kid, and wouldn't want to lose me again and not to worry. But who wouldn't? That was a lot he's put me through. It's hard.

Writing about these things seems amazing about how I got through them, but it could be a lie. I still feel upset and a little resentful about them. And sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk about it to. Maybe I do need someone. Maybe soon. Idk. But I'm getting through it. We're together and trying. I love him, no denying that but if anything else ever happens I'd have to be stronger than before and not take any of this type of shit again. I'm too good for any of it. I'm a great mom, and I'm trying to be the best I can be. I'm sober and almost done school. I deserve better. Let's just hope he sees this.

But I'm done for now. This may have been the longest post now. Of course, there's lots I didn't write about. I will if I need to. That that's the story of Alex and I.

Until next time. ✌

#allofme #hardlove #thisisme

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brothalynchhung · 6 years

Text

2017 overview

FOR FUCKS SAKEEE IVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 5 YEARS LMFAOOOO anyways lets goo... this gone be a lot i learned a lot this year

the year started out...

kinda weird tbh like i was in a weird state

i was back to being obsessed following jk/gl lool

it was nice but i got to hopelessly obsessed

but they came back and it really motivated me it made me happy

hes so comforting until this day

he earned so much!! achieved so much! I'm so happy for him

i gained a lot this year too .. in a way

yeah 2017 was weird introspectively...

lot of internal rebuilding...

i did video 1 which was fun i got to make some cool shit and work hard on projects

i met my girl xy lol her talented ass

ate out a lot tbh i was a fatass beginning of 2017 wtf

still am tho wtf who am i kidding 🙄🙄🙄

jus classes with z as usual but winter 2017 was so weird cuz like.. i barely went to any of those classes LOL

video 1 was fun

adv com theories was ass idk how i got a B+ in that class i failed everything LMFAOO

phi was whatever

women and media was weird cuz of that weird girl but we got a good mark so whatever

quantitative LMFAOOO fuck that class and that bitch ass prof i didnt learn shit

other than that personally...i was going through some mental shit.. i felt alone. i felt out of it. i felt regretful

i felt so regretful i felt like shit

i fell into such a nostalgic moment like i just missed everything

jk kinda reminded me of like.. how i was? happy? in 2016 i kinda of left everything and secluded myself in a weird way other than fighting with ayt/mh on some bullshit i just was out of it.. i was chilling with weirdos lol

i was thinking like.. i miss how it is??? I'm not that different? i like all the people from my past why are we not that close

spring day came out.. that hit it. bullseye.

childish gambinooo....

just really looking back, looking back on who i AM who I WANT to be truly. who i really want to be around and create

i valued my friendships

i was super creative... working on my book, investing in artistic pursuits..

i wanted to recreate everything i lost, i wanted to reclaim my trauma with that bitch.

i got to spend fun times with my friends, running around train tracks becoming closer again like how it should have been all along

jk had me looking forward to leaving to dubai

and so i did.

i tried chasing him there but it didnt really work out

its not really meant to be sr...

he's just an inspiration for what you want and for who u are

the whole groups a blessing lol

even tho i left that shit cuz it got too much and too weird why bitches gotta make shit mediocre🙄

anyways dubai was kinda ass but i got to realize something important... who i miss, who i wanted/wished were with me, who actually cares about me..

WHO ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT ME

yo sr... if someone really cares.. they'll take the effort. STOP chasing people who don't care.. STOP damaging yourself and the people who love u for people who don't give a fuck

i dropped that bitch so hard i hope she fucking rots in hell

2017 . APRIL 2017 LAST TIME EVER I WILL EVER SEE THIS BITCH. NEVER AGAIN.

my life got so much better.

dubai was a detox but after i came back it was so good

hot as fuck

ramadan lol

fat as fuck -_-

dubai was just weird lol kinda realized its not my place but it was nice(ish)

need to learn not to rely so much on material shit lol

my family is the best

they really tryna teach u and care for u, u will never have another family.

also met nr!!! she was sweet kinda weird tho lMAO the cat shit jesus lol

misk lol

WENT TO LONDON IT WAS AMAZING I LOVED IT

but fuck... lmao u know what the fuck u did yesterday -_- u DUMB bitch lmao who cares tho (...>_>)

came back... greeted by my friends who care

chilled with them, adventures with them

but came back.. sorry. sorry to myself. sorry to the people i hurt

ayt, mh

i was thinking about it since winter i knew i had to make it right again, i knew i was wrong, that fucking bitch fucked shit up for us, we could have had so much memories in 2016 if shit didnt go sour

i gave the wrong person another chance they didnt deserve

so i reflected.. and swallowed my fucking pride

apologized. to who i needed to

and u know what? we good. like it was never bad. we good

...thats real. no flop shit, no fake shit, we good. loyalty. blessed.

u really gave the wrong bitch another chance u real did

stupid ass

then it was good.. adventures with my friends, rebuilding, forgetting, growing

together.

beach!! hiking!! badminton in the middle of the streets singing backstreet boys!! lol music!!

KENDRICK LAMARRR

i made friends w ht again amazing lol

really remade friends w a lot of people lol

kendrick was so good tho fuck he was amazing my eyes were tearing/shining i cried like 5 times LOVE.. PRIDE. fuck those got to me

my ass saw get low live?? by YG fuck i love him too

best night

amusement parks x3.. lol mtl with my fams..

yo me and lina got so close

i love my family. always.

NTCCCLMAOOOO

they gave me so much hope after i dropped stb cuz or their weird ass fandom.. i couldn't deal with that shit they're ruining my damn nostalgia. but whatever I'm not gon hate on their success.. jk is still jk to me i hope he reaches the stars with his success

but yeah damn ntc made everything sooo good damn how u not have 1 dime but like 8 LMAO in one group

literally lights of my lifeee

jn😤jh😤hc🍅😩m😤jn😭jm😭WTF BITCH so much possibilities tf

love them they made me so happy

also their fandom is so funnny love the bitches i been following and talking to

anyways i saved up my money a lot but now its like all gone cuz nadas work so idk

UHMMMM I BOUGHT MMM??? WTF BITCH WTF

I WIN IDC I WIN fuck all these bitches

glow up glow the FUCK up

lost a lil weight.. probably gained it all back idk fuck me -.-

since fall 2017.. i been happy.. i got my friends..my groups..

rm, mc, ys💘

nz,suz,lul,mar💖

prgl,sr,joan💞

hct!

nm💗

ayt

zainb,rame

xiny, jelly

and more...

hearts 4 all I'm just lazy lol

nice to have friends, nice to know there are people who actually like u and care for u and are fun to hang with, nice to know people like u for who u really are unconditionally

nice to know bitches i hate will never NEVER have that

stay lonely pitiful boring unsuccessful and fake .

priorities straight. emptying out ugly shit, rebuilding myself and who i am. having fun, fixing my look. investing

music music music GOOD MUSIC

movies movies movies

books books books

those 3 things will never change

unbrainwashing myself

realized so much shit.. istg my glow up is associated with freeing my mind from all this bullshit...

RATHER BE PROUD OF WHO I AM RATHER THAN TRY TO BE SOMETHING IM NOT JUST TO FIT INTO SOME LOWKEY RACIST UGLY BORING BULLSHIT

crazy how deep into my coma i was

BITCH IM BACK OUT OF MY COMA

going forward.. going forward.. investing.. changing...

mentality shifting.. my image of diserable.. who i want to be

better important goals, fun goals, fun shit, cool shit, new shit

destroying the fuck bitches who tried to kill me

bunch of fucking losers.

I'm better now I'm happy now i ended 2017 happy as fuck

i DONT have my gl but i don't need him rn. I'm loved. i love me. my family and friends got me. so until i act on some long awaited shit and gain more resources and achieve more personally UNTIL I'm ready and deserve some shit. then ill get gl. I'm going towards him.

you're with me.. even when you're away.

hope u feel all this happiness too, hope you're warm, hope you know I'm not where u are right now and hope ur working your way towards me too

ill meet u in the warm .

happy. i spent many nights happy no fights no drama no sadness (other than not having gl i get hopeless being in love with someone i don't know yet but i cant help it)

soon tho dw.. it 2018 now lol

anyways!! i grew so much in 2017 I'm back to who i really am I'm motivated I'm happy I'm inspired I'm ready for the next year

i ended this year losing my bitch ass acne studios scarf!! like a dumb bitch!! so I'm still a dumb bitch!! but who cares -.-

need so stop buying dumb shit.. ill get the trousers when i get a job and the fucking scarf won't matter.. yo ass don't even like scarfs wtf -_-

lool see this optimistic dgaf mentality..

CAASH DONT LAST MY FRIENDS WILL RIDE FOR ME

and thats exactly what we did tonight, dance and sing to disney hits and sean paul . happy and careless af

I GOTTED WHAT I WANTED RIGHT NOWWW

GOD DOES IT FEEL SO GOOOOD

2018 lets fucking go. I'm ready . I'm going to make so much shit. I'm out my coma, i know what the fuck i want . no more dumb shit, we do dis. LETS FUCKING GOOOO.

0 notes

vnresolvedissves-blog · 7 years

Text

A Day Hanging Out || @snxwdrxke (Closed)

Snowy was bored, that’s all there was to it. The more he lay on his bed, the more bored he got. He didn’t feel like working on his jokes at the moment, did’t feel like playing video games either. It was starting to get colder outside and he loved it, he wanted to get out; go into town. Only problem was that Snowy didn’t want to go anywhere by himself. He thought for a few moments before sitting up, a smile on his face. He plopped over onto his stomach to grab his phone from his night stand and text his friend. [TEXT] Napsty, you wanna go into town? Heard some music you like came out recently, I’ll buy you some. you know I love buying things. He sent the text and laid back, though after a second he decided to send another text to them just in case. [TEXT] And don’t worry, i’ll buy myself something too. ;P __ It was a typical day for Napsty. They had spent most of their time on the computer, headphones plugged in and playing the same playlist Napsty always listened to. The teen browsed the same sites they normally did, only pausing to get food a couple times. When the phone on the desk buzzed, Napsty ignored it at first, content with focusing on their computer, but only a few seconds passed before they began to feel bad about ignoring whoever texted them. Upon reading the text, the teen frowned. They wanted that new CD, and hanging out with his friend sounded fun, but they didn’t want to make Snowy feel like he had to buy it for them. [text] oh…. you know you don’t have to buy it for me…. i would like to go to the record store, though….. oh, but… we don’t have to go there if you don’t want to…. __ Snowy eagerly waited for Napsty’s response. His his phone buzzed, the male flipped over onto his back. He couldn’t help but smile slighty at the teen’s text. [TEXT] I know, I want to buy it for you. I’m glad it sounds fun, I can come pick you up? And I also want to go there, so it’ll be snow problem/ Get it, cuz snow and stuff. Well he tried to make a pun. Snowy shrugged to himself as he sent the message, dropping the phone into his lap. Napsty’d place still wasn’t too far of a walk, so Snowy decided to wait to get ready still, just in case they decided they didn’t want to go. The teen hoped that wasn’t the case but it wasn’t unheard of. He wouldn’t force Napsty to go. __ [text] oh….. i guess that’s fine then…. as long as you want to…. i got your pun too…. that’s a good one…. The teen sent the text and set their phone down, unplugging the headphones from the computer and into their phone. Starting up the same playlist, Napsty stood from their desk and went to find their shoes. If Snowy was planning on buying them a CD, the last thing Napsty wanted to do was make him wait. They would hate to be an inconvenience. __ Snowy sat up when he got the next text, glad Napsty was okay with it. [TEXT] Sounds good, see you in a few! :P After sending the message, the male got himself out of bed and began to get dressed, he didn’t have to change much. But a fresh shirt was always good. A few minutes later he finished. The teen grabbed his phone and wallet before leaving his room. “I’m going out!” Snowy called to his father, though when he received no response he just shrugged and continued outside. It wasn’t too much of a walk to Napsty’s. When he reached their home he sent the teen a message to let him know as well as knocking on the door. __ Napsty waited until Snowy texted them to say he was there before leaving their room. Their mother was currently a work, so they didn’t need to worry about asking for permission. Instead, they scribbled a quick note on the notepad that was stuck to the fridge, letting her know they would be with Snowy if they weren’t back before she was. Hearing the knock on the door, the teen slipped their phone into their pocket and hung their headphones on their neck. They didn’t want to be rude by having them on while talking to Snowy, and music still played loud enough that they could hear it okay. Tugging the door open, they met the eyes of their friend. “Hi…” __ Snowy smiled when Napsty open the door, waving to the other. “Heya!” He chirped. He hardly noticed the music playing from their headphones. It was so normal for them now. It was like having their own personal background music. And snowy really liked the music Napsty listened to, so that was also a plus. “We ready to head out?” He asked, still smiling. “I haven’t been to the music store for some time, it’s exciting!” __ Napsty shut the door behind them, nodding at Snowy’s question. His next comment made them frown, however, and they looked back up at him. “Oh… I went the other day… I should have invited you… I’m sorry…” __ He listened to Napsty speak but quickly shook his head, nudging the whitenette. "Nah, don't even worry about it. You love the music store soo much more. Nothin' to apologize for." He knew Napsty didn't get out much as it was, so he didn't even mind them going and not saying anything. "We're doin' this now so all is good. Mostly I just wanted out of the house and to spend time with my best friend." He smiled, before starting forward. "You wanna take the bus or walk?" __ “Oh… Okay…” Napsty responded quietly, following after their friend. They slipped their hands into their pockets, gaze on the ground. “Oh… Either is fine… Whichever you’d like… to do…” __ “Hm…” Snowy thought for a moment before shrugging. “Well the store isn’t too terribly far of a walk so let’s do that. Plus it means less people that we needa deal with.” He chuckled before looking back at Napsty. “I’m loving how cold the weather is getting.” The male chirped. “Getting to wear nice bundly clothes, and when it snows is the best.” Snowy grinned, he mentioned this to Napsty every year it started to get cold, they were probably tired of hearing it by now. “And it’s the best time of year for me to start making my winter jokes again! It’s so exciting!” Snowy realized he was getting a little too excited and took a breath. “But hey, how are your mix cds coming? I bet they’re all fantastic as usual!” __ Napsty nodded. They were already wearing a sweatshirt, so they didn’t mind the cold. Actually, since Snowy loved the cold so much, they found themself in cold weather often enough that they’d grown used to it. They liked it now. Not as much as Snowy of course, but it reminded them of their friend. “The cold is nice…” Napsty heard this spiel from Snowy every year, but they didn’t mind. It was just what Snowy did, and what Snowy loved. It had never bothered Napsty. “Lots of inspiration for you… I’m sure….” When Snowy asked them about their music, their eyebrows rose, not expecting his interest. It seemed he always asked, but it always surprised Napsty. “Oh… I don’t know… I like them, and I’m always learning, y’know…? Oh… I’m rambling again… I’m sorry…” __ “Oh yeah, tons of inspiration! I needa remember to write stuff down, I don’t want to forget anything joke related!” Snowy nodded, grinning wide. Snowy listened as Napsty spoke, nodding at their words. “All the ones i’ve heard are great! And you can really tell how far you’ve come since starting.” He shook his head then. “Nah, I don’t think you’re rambling, I’m always talkin’ about the things I love, it’s cool to hear about your music, I get to learn some stuff from it too!” __ “Maybe… you could carry around a notebook… or not… Just a thought…” they murmured. Napsty raised their gaze to their friend, offering a little smile. “Thank you… I don’t know that it’ll get me anywhere, but it’s fun… I’m glad you like it… I think the snails like it too… They seem happy… Oh, and when I last talked to my cousin, they liked it, too… Oh… Now I really am rambling, aren’t I…? Oh no… I’m sorry…” __ Snowy’s eyes lit up when the other mentioned a notebook. “That’s an awesome idea. I’d never be down about forgetting something important again.” He grinned, now he’d just need to find the right notebook. Maybe they could do that after the music store, he could ask Napsty to help. He smiled, nodding even when the whitenette said that the snails seemed to like it too. Snowy liked the snails, but he didn’t think they liked him, they never did anything at all when he was over. His cousin liked Napsty’s music too, that was so cool! It really was great, Napsty really was good at what they did. “Everyone likes your music!” Snowy chirped with a grin. “That’s awesome Napsty. You’re not, no worries! Besides, I like hearing you talk, especially about what you love. Never fails to make me happy.” __ “We should find you one while we’re out then… Oh… Only if you want… I don’t want you to feel like you have to now…” Maybe they shouldn’t have said that. Napsty hoped Snowy wouldn’t mind. “Oh… It makes you happy…? Oh… I didn’t know that… Why? Oh, is that invasive to ask…? I’m sorry…” __ “I’d like that!” He smiled, I was actually just thinking we could do that but I didn’t know if it’d be something you wanted to do. ‘Cause we just planned on the music store and stuff.” When Napsty spoke, Snowy nodded fidgeting with the sleeve of his jacket. “No, no. It’s not invasive at all. I dunno, I know you’re not always talkative so hearing you talk to me just makes me happy, I love hearing your voice. I really hope that’s not weird. Not even just that though, I guess just being around you makes me happy, you have since we met really.” He grinned, nudging the other. __ A little embarrassed blush lit up Napsty’s cheeks, Snowy’s words surprising them. That was actually kind of him to say. ”No, it’s not weird… I'm surprised, though… I guess I feel like I'm just… around… It's nice to know you like having me around…” The teen spoke quietly, giving a little smile when Snowy nudged them. “Thank you… I like being around too…” __ Snowy smiled at Napsty’s blush, he couldn’t help but think how cute it was. “Of course, I can’t really imagine myself without having you as my friend. You’ll always have me around, that’s for sure! You’re such an awesome person, Napsty.” Snowy stayed close to Napsty after he nudged them, just feeling really comfortable beside them, though he’d quickly moved if he noticed the other was uncomfortable in any way. “Oh, after we do our shopping stuff, wanna pick something up to eat?” __ “Oh… Wow… Thank you…” They murmured, their hands fidgeting in their pockets. They didn't know what else to say, so when Snowy mentioned food, they were a little relieved. “Oh… Yeah… Food sounds good…” __ Snowy nodded, smiling lightly at the other. "Awesome!" The male grinned, glad Napsty agreed to get some lunch with him. "And I'll pay for that too, no worries. Today is all my treat to you, just for being such an awesome friend." __ Napsty’s eyebrows rose. Snowy kept surprising them today. They didn’t mind, but it confused them. “Oh… Thank you, but… I don’t deserve that… I don’t do enough to be called that… Oh no… I should do more nice things for you… so I can be an awesome friend…”It was so much pressure to be put under so suddenly, but if Snowy thought of them as an awesome friend, they wanted to live up to it. __ Snowy quickly shook his head when Napsty spoke. "Nu-uh. You do just enough already! You don't needa try, it comes naturally to you." He smiled. "You totally deserve it. Just being you makes you awesome, you don't need to change or do anything extra. 'Cept maybe mix me a new CD." He laughed. "I always love your music recommendations." __ Napsty couldn’t agree that just being themself was made them awesome, but they could agree to make Snowy a new mix CD. “Oh… Okay… I can do that… if you really want it… I’ll pick you out some good music… Well, I think it’s good, but my opinion doesn’t really matter…” __ "Sounds good!" Snowy chirped, grinning lightly. "Your opinion totally matters, I don't think I'd love half the music I do if it wasn't from your recommendations or hearing you play it. You've had a lot of musical influence on me through the years and I'm totally okay with that! You do a lot more than you think, Napsty." He hummed, nodding. "Part of you being an awesome friend." __ “Oh…” Napsty chewed on the inside of their cheek, unsure what to say. Instead, they stared at the ground, trying to think of something. Snowy actually liked the music they recommended. They still didn’t feel that they lived up to be called an ‘awesome friend,’ but hearing the reasons why Snowy called them that made them feel a little better. __ Snowy smiled at his friend before reaching over to lightly take Napsty’s hand. “C'mon! We’ll get more outta the day if we run!” He chirped with a laugh as he began to run down the sidewalk, mapping out the direction to the music store. The male only stopped when they reached the store’s entrance. He released the teen’s hand and panted, resting his head on their shoulder. “One sec… Need breath…” __ The teen blinked when Snowy took their hand. Though they didn’t see much of a reason to run, they didn’t mind, and hearing Snowy’s laugh made them grin. When Snowy was happy, it was hard not to be happy too. Napsty ran along behind Snowy, doing their best to keep up with him. They thought they were struggling a little, but they weren’t nearly as out of breath as Snowy when they stopped. They were breathing a bit heavily, sure, but not like Snowy was. “Oh no… Are you okay…? Maybe we shouldn’t have ran… the whole way…” Napsty murmured. As Snowy rested his head on Napsty’s shoulder, they just patted his hair, hoping to help him relax. __ Snowy nodded his head when Napsty asked if he was fine. “Mhmm… I’m fine. It was fun, guess I needa work out more or somethin’,” He chuckled, humming as the teen patted his hair. “It was still fun though, so no regrets!” He smiled, standing up straight. “Time for some new music now.~” He cooed, moving to grab both the whitenette’s hands and tug them into the shop. __ “Well, it /is/ cold… I’ve heard that can make it harder to catch your breath…” they murmured, hoping to make Snowy feel better about it. Napsty wasn’t nearly an athletic person, but running always came easy to them. Their mother always said it was because they were so skinny, the wind would go right through them. Napsty didn’t know if that was true, but it was the only explanation they had. Something they couldn’t avoid, however, was the streak of pink across their nose and cheeks, even to their ears. It was an inevitable fact of physical activity for them, thanks to their pallid complexion. The cold didn’t help with that, either, meaning the apparent blush would remain until Napsty could warm back up. “Okay, if you’re sure… We can wait a bit longer, if you’d like… for you to catch your breath...” Napsty spoke quietly as they followed Snowy inside, not minding the hold the male had on their hands. Actually, Snowy’s hands felt cold, so Napsty held back tighter, hoping to warm their friend’s hands for him. __ "Very sure, I don't mind. Thanks for asking though, more reasons you're such a great friend!" He smiled, squeezing back Napsty's hands. "You actually care about me. Not many people do that." He spoke before grinning at the male. "You're blush is looking extra adorable today." Snowy mentioned Napsty's blush almost every time it happened, it was adorable though. __ “Okay… I just want to make sure you're okay…” Napsty murmured. “I don't know about that… Your mom really cares about you… And you have some other friends… People at school really like you…” /Not like me…/ The teen blinked at Snowy’s comment on their blush, the colour deepening. Snowy almost always mentioned it, but even if it was always a compliment, it would embarrass them without fail. “Oh… thank you…” They couldn't very well lie to themself and say they didn't like Snowy calling them ‘adorable,’ but they could definitely keep from telling him. __ When Napsty mentioned his mom, snowy nodded. He needed to go see her soon. There were some new things he wanted to tell her. "Still, my other friends aren't you though. They don't care like you do. I've known you the longest. I know that doesn't really account for anything but I think it does. You're my bestie~" He cooed with a laugh. Snowy grinned when Napsty's bluss deepend. Even more adorable. He wouldn't tell them that though. "Mhmm! Now music time! Lead the way, you know this place much better." __ Napsty wanted Snowy to feel like all his friends cared for him like Napsty did, but they were also happy that wasn't the case. They were best friends. It was always reassuring to hear that Snowy felt the same. The teen gave a little giggle. “You're my bestie too…” Napsty blinked when Snowy told them to take the lead, suddenly self-conscious. “Oh… Okay… The CD I want should be this way…” They murmured, starting off further into the store. __ “Yay, besties~” Snowy cooed before giving a nod at Napsty’s words. “Sounds good.” He smiled, following close beside his bestie to where they were leading. “Sooo when you’re done with the CD you totally needa let me borrow it, or burn me a copy.” He laughed, nudging the other. “You’ve got me so invested in new music, I love it!” __ A little smile formed on Napsty’s lips, and they nodded. “Okay… I can do that… I have a lot of blank CDs, so I'll burn one for you… If that's alright…” They led Snowy over to where the CD would be, picking it out from the shelf immediately. “Ah, that one…” they murmured, stepping forward to grab one. “I think I've shared some music from this band with you before… Just a song or two… The music's kinda spooky though… I like it.” __ “Sounds great!” Snowy hummed. The male eagerly followed the teen to the section he was looking for. He watched as Napsty grabbed the CD. Snowy leaned against the other to look at the CD, his hands resting on their shoulders as he peeked over. “Oh! Yeah, I recognize the name. Ooooh spooky, how cool! Getting me even more excited to hear it!” __ They glanced back at Snowy when they felt the male’s hands on their shoulders, a small smile pulling at their lips. “I haven’t heard this yet, either, since it just came out, so… maybe we can listen to it together later… if you want to… No pressure…” Napsty thought it’d be fun to listen to the CD for the first time with their friend, especially since Snowy liked the music they liked. Most people Napsty shared music with thought it was odd. Most of it, anyway. “So… was there anything you wanted to get from here…? You said you’d get something for yourself, too…” __ Snowy nodded at Napsty’s suggestion. “I’d love to listen to it with you.” He grinned, resting his head against theirs. When the teen spoke again, Snowy chuckled. “I did say that, huh?” He grinned before moving to take Napsty’s hand again, dragging them down the isle. He stopped when he found the letter he was looking for and quickly grabbed his CD. “This one. It’s been out for about a year now, but I like it enough to pick it up.” He smiled before holding his hand out. “Alright, I’ll pay for these~” He cooed, smiling at the whitenette. __ Napsty’s shoulders raised a bit when Snowy agreed to listen to the CD with them and rest his head on top of theirs. They already liked to lie around and listen to music without having to do anything else, but it'd be much more enjoyable if Snowy joined them. Napsty knew most people liked to put music on in the background while they did chores or something else, but Napsty loved to lie on the ground and close their eyes, focus just on the music. They’d thought Snowy wouldn’t be into that the first time they asked if it sounded okay to him, but, surprisingly, he was on board. Snowy really was a good friend. When Snowy took their hand, they trotted along after him. Napsty actually felt grateful that Snowy would drag them around like this. Otherwise, they wouldn’t know if he wanted them to follow or not. Napsty frowned when Snowy held his hand out to them, peeking up at the male through their bangs. “Are… you sure you’re okay with paying for mine…? I really don’t mind paying for it myself…” __ Snowy smiled, moving his free hand to brush back the whitenette’s bangs. “Very sure.” He hummed. “I know you don’t mind but neither do I. You can use that extra money to get another CD later.” The male nodded, moving his hand from Napsty’s bangs to lightly take the CD from them. “Besides even if you did pay i’d find a way to give you the money.” He stuck his tongue out before leading the teen toward the register. __ As always, a little blush rose to Napsty’s cheek when Snowy brushed his fingers through their bangs. They were somewhat used to this kind of behaviour from Snowy, but it still made them blush. They liked it. “Oh… I /really/ don’t want you to just give me money…” They allowed Snowy to lead them forward, squeezing his hand a bit. They really liked holding hands with their best friend. It reassured them. Of what, they didn’t know, but it was a comforting feeling, nonetheless. “I want to buy you something sometime, too…” __ Snowy chuckled when Napsty said they didn’t want him giving them money. He wouldn’t this time, but it’d happened before and it was sure to happen again. Snowy would normally leave the money someplace Napsty would find but maybe not right away. The male stopped when he got to the line, smiling lightly. “Really? Well maybe next time. We’ll switch off buying things for each other.” Snowy grinned before turning to pay for the CD’s. Once he was done, the teen turned back to Napsty. “I still plan on buying us lunch. Then we can go listen to your new CD!” He chirped, taking the whitenette’s hand again and leading them outside. “What sounds good?” __ Snowy’s suggestion brought a little giggle from Napsty, and they nodded. “I guess that sounds alright…” They waited silently beside Snowy while he paid for the CDs, nodding at his words when he turned to them. “Okay"… I am pretty hungry… Oh… I don't really have a preference though… Whatever sounds good to you, Snowy…” They squeezed his hand, walking leisurely alongside him. __ "Hmmm..." Snowy thought for a moment before shrugging. "Well fast food is always good, yeah?" He asked. "There are a few places we can go on the way back to your house." Snowy held tightly to both the bag and Napsty's hand as he began to walk faster, now more excited for food. __ “Sure… That does sound good…” they murmured, following after Snowy as they were led down the street, trying their best to keep up with the male. “You're really hungry, huh…?” __ Snowy slowed down a bit when Napsty spoke again. "Mhmm. Meals at home aren't really the best, y'know. And my dad doesn't buy great things to cook with, or food that you can just pop in the microwave. He's lost without me!" Snowy chuckled. "Plus, who doesn't love fast food?" __ Napsty tilted their head to the side. “You can always come over and eat at my house… I mean, you're always welcome…” They squeezed Snowy's hand. __ Snowy smiled lightly when Napsty squeezed his hand. “Yeah? You’re sure your mom’ll be okay with it?” She pretty much always was, but Snowy still wanted to make sure. “I’d really like to come over, then we won’t have to make any more trips out!” He grinned, pulling the teen close and resting his head on their shoulder as he walked. __ A little grin pulled at Napsty’s lips when Snowy reacted enthusiastically, allowing him to pull them closer. They rested their head against Snowy’s at the male rested it on their shoulder. “Mmhmm, you know she likes you... Besides, she’s always worried I’ll get lonely while she’s at work… and I do, but… it’s not a big deal… It would be nice to have you over more, though… Only if you want to, of course…” __ Snowy hummed lightly when Napsty rested their head on him. He loved feeling their closeness. "I know. I still needa ask. Oh, you just let me know any time you're lonely. I'll always come over, I mean it!" He grinned, nuzzling against the teen. "Let's head to your place then!" __ “Oh… you don’t need to do that… I don’t want you to have to drop whatever you’re doing just… so you can keep me company…” they murmured, though they continued to grin. “Okay… Oh… Do you want to get a little notebook for you, first…?” __ “I’d drop anything for you.” Snowy smiled. “I don’t mind at all. I love keeping you company, and being with you. Like I said, you’re the best.” When the teen mentioned the notebook, Snowy nodded perking up. “Oh yeah! This way then~” He cooed, pulling the whitenette in a different direction. He really hoped Napsty didn’t mind, they never said anything, but maybe they were just trying to be nice. __ Napsty squeezed Snowy’s hand. “That’s really kind of you, thank you…” Their heart lost its rhythm for a moment, but they ignored the reaction. “Okay…” They followed willingly after Snowy. “Where are we going to go to get it…? There’s a little bookstore down the street a little… if you want to look there… You could find a really cute one there, probably…” __ "You're welcome! Anything for you." He continued to pull the teen, when they spoke again though, he nearly stopped, but kept going when Napsty continued. "Oh! I know that bookstore, yeah let's go there! I know you'll help me pick out the perfect and cutest one, just like you!" __ At least Napsty could help somehow. They didn’t want to just meander along beside Snowy with no input. Even the little suggestions that went well made them feel better. A light blush formed on their cheeks at Snowy’s words. “Oh… I don’t know about that… Perfect...? No, not me… I’ll try to help you find the perfect notebook though…” __ "Yup! Everyone seems to see perfection differently, and I see it in you." He smiled, squeezing his best friend's hand as he dragged them along. When they made it to the bookstore, Snowy rushed quickly inside, his eyes scanning the shelves. "Oh... Uhm... Do you know where the notebooks are?" He asked, turning his attention to Napsty. __ “Oh… I… Really? Oh…” The teen didn't know how else to respond, and ended up falling silent. This wasn't the first time Snowy had given them praise, but they still weren't used to it. When they burst into the bookstore, Napsty looked to Snowy, then nodded. “Mmhmm… Over here…” They took the lead, heading toward the back of the store and pointing to the section of notebooks. “There… They've got a lot, so… you have a lot of choices…” __ As Napsty took the lead, Snowy eagerly followed; bouncing lightly as they walked. His eyes lit up when the teen pointed to the section with the notebooks. "Ooooh so many, how do I choose? Napsty heeeelp." He joked, stopping when they were there. "Uhm... hm..." He glanced around, spotting a couple he liked but he wanted Napsty's input first. __ Napsty looked over the notebooks as Snowy did. Well, he did ask for their opinion… “That one’s kind of cute…” they murmured, pointing to one with simplistic, paper mache-style owls all over the front cover. “Oh… That one too…” They pointed to another, which had a cartoony, snow covered village. The next one that caught their eye was covered in colourful cartoon snails. “Oh, that one’s really cute, but that’s probably just to me… Oh… that one, too… I really like that one…” They pointed to one near the top, the front cover plastered in cute white ghosts over a black background. “I don’t know… Whichever one you like best, since you’ll be using it…” __ “Oooh…” Snowy looked over the four different notebooks before grabbing them all. “We’ll get all four!” He chirped before handing the snail one and the owls to Napsty, keeping the village and ghost for himself. “One for ourselves and one to really remind us of each other.” He grinned, the ghosts reminded Snowy of Napsty a lot. He knew that they were only there to get him a notebook but he wanted to get Napsty some too. __ Napsty’s eyebrows rose when Snowy grabbed all of them. “A-are you sure? You don’t need to spend so much money on me… You already bought me that CD…” They took the notebooks slowly, peering up at their best friend. __ “Very sure!” He hummed. “I wanna, plus notebooks are pretty cheap. Even if they weren’t i’d still get them for you!” He hummed, starting for the checkout. “If I could buy you everything, I would. I want to get you things and I wanna make you happy. Now let’s get these and get back to your house for some fooooood and music~” He sang, swinging their hands. __ Napsty gave a little smile as Snowy started to swing their hands. It was kind of fun. “You make me happy by being my friend, though… I would like to get home though… You’re probably really hungry… Do you want me to make something when we get there…?” __ Snowy smiled at the teens words. He was glad that they felt that way, as long as he knew that he was making Napsty happy in someway; that's what mattered. "Mhmm! Only if you feel like making something, I'm not really sure what though. Do you have something in mind?" He laughed, stopping once they got into the line, thankfully it wasn't too long and they'd be back to Napsty's soon enough. __ “Oh… No, I just thought I’d offer… I don't mind making something, but I don't have any ideas… If fast food sounded good, we have some fries I could put in the oven… Not sure about a main thing, though…” they mused, glancing up at Snowy. “But we have stuff… Maybe sandwiches, or something with noodles, or TV dinners… I don't know… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ramble…” __ "Nu-uh, it's okay. I don't mind hearing you ramble. It's cute. Hmm..." Snowy thought about the options, though before he got a chance to speak it was their turn to check out. Once they were finished, Snowy looked to his friend. "Well fries sound good and probably a sandwich to go with it." Snowy smiled. "If that's alright?" __ Napsty watched Snowy, waiting for an answer. They didn’t ask again, letting Snowy ponder the options, even until he was up at the registers, paying for the notebooks. Once they stepped away and Snowy spoke again, Napsty nodded. “That’s fine… I make some pretty good sandwiches…” __ Snowy grinned when Napsty agreed, nodding his head at the other's words. "I know you do." He spoke, clutching tighter to the whitenette. "Your food always tastes delicious~" Snowy cooed, swinging their hands again as he leaned over to nuzzle them before starting toward the direction of Napsty's home. __ Though they didn't know what to say, Napsty grinned at Snowy’s compliment, squeezing his hand before letting Snowy swing their arms between them. Once they returned to the apartment complex, Napsty led the way up to their home, pulling the key from their pocket and unlocking the door. “If you'd like, you can turn on the TV while I get the food going…” they told Snowy as they pushed the door open and led him inside. “Only if you want to though… I don't mind the quiet...” __ Snowy turned back to look at his friend when they spoke again. "Mmm... Why would I watch TV when I could just watch you?" He hummed with a light smile. The male reluctantly released the teen's hand so they could do what they wanted. "I don't mind the quiet either, plus I don't wanna ignore you for even a second." __ A light blush coloured Napsty’s cheeks, and they looked away. “Oh gee… You’re embarrassing me…” they murmured, shuffling over to the kitchen so the could start on making the food. They went straight to the oven to start it preheating, then to the freezer to get the fries out. “Are you going to want me to salt the fries…?” They turned to ask Snowy. __ "I know, it's cute." He chirped, smiling at the teen, as he stayed close to them, as they both walked to the kitchen. Snowy leaned back against the bar, eyes staying on Napsty. "Mmmmm... I like 'em salted but only if you want them like that." The male said, leaning forward as he spoke. His eyes meeting Napsty's and he gave in involuntary hum. __ “Mmhmm, they're better that way…” Napsty was planning on continuing on the fries, but the way Snowy looked at them brought a blush to their cheeks. “Wh-what…? I-is there something on my face…? Oh no…” They turned away and pressed their hands to either side of their face, then to various other parts of their face. They didn't feel anything... __ Snowy nodded at Napsty's words, though when they spoke again the male gave a short laugh and shook his head. Napsty had turned before they could see though. "No, no, Napsty. It's okay, there isn't anything on your face. I just got lost in your eyes." He spoke honestly, seeing no reason to lie to his best friend. __ “Huh…?” They glanced back at Snowy. “O-oh… Well… Oh… Y-you always say such nice things to me, and I don't know how to respond… I'm sorry…” The blush still lingered in their cheeks. Napsty knew that a lot of what Snowy said wasn't what just friends said to each other, but they did a lot of things that other people didn't do with their friends, like how they'd held hands the whole time they were out. But that's what they did. When Snowy said things that sounded more romantic, even if it made Napsty’s thoughts go in that direction, that couldn't be what Snowy meant. For now, they decided to get back to the fries, digging into the cabinet beside the stove to get out a pan. __ Snowy licked his lips and smiled, shaking his head. "It's okay, you don't gotta apologize. Still, I like making you blush." The male watched as Napsty went back to working on the fries. He did feel bad for getting Napsty embarrassed all the time, but something about their reactions made his heart flutter. He couldn't quite put words to it, but man was it nice. He stayed silent after that, letting Napsty do their work. __ Napsty bit their lip, wiggling a bit as they tried to focus on the fries, still blushing. “Hmmm, okaaay…” The teen stayed silent until they got the fries on to the pan and the pan into the oven. Then, they looked to Snowy. “Well, now we have about twenty minutes… I’ll make the sandwiches once the fries are almost done… Unless… you want it now… I guess I should have asked… I’m sorry…” __ Snowy nodded at Napsty's first words, though as they continued the male laughed softly, shaking his head as he stepped forward. The male grabbed both of Napsty's hands and rested his forehead against theirs. "It's okay. I don't mind waiting, it's better to eat all at once anyway." __ Napsty gave a tiny grin as Snowy grabbed their hands, keeping their eyes on their best friend. “If you're sure… So, what do you want to do until the fries are done? I could put in a movie, or something…” __ Snowy licked his lips and smiled at the teen's words. "A movie sounds amazing. Whatever you wanna watch. You've got great movie taste too!" __ “Oh… I don't know about that… And I was going to let you pick out the movie anyway… If you wanted to…” __ "I suppose I can!" He chirped, gripping the teen's hands tighter so he could drag Napsty out of the kitchen. "You're coming too though~" the male hummed, bouncing over to the living room so he could choose a movie with his friend. "Mmmm... You pick a genre at least!" He grinned, turning back to Napsty. __ “Okay…” Napsty allowed Snowy to drag them out of the kitchen, following him to the living room. “Oh… Well… I don't want to make you watch a spooky movie, so… I don't know… Maybe an older movie? My mom got a set of old fifties romance movies as a gift recently… I don't know if you'd like those kinds of movies, though…” __ Snowy felt bad when Napsty first spoke, sometimes he could do spooky, other times, not so much. At the whitenette's next suggestion though, he rose a brow. "Oh? Those sound interesting if nothing else! I've never watched old timey movies. My Mama always loves romance movies though, just don't think she watched ones that old. Let's do that! Is that okay?" __ “They’re really good… Well, I like them, anyway… We can watch one of those then… Here…” Still holding Snowy’s hand, they stepped up to the entertainment center and pulled open the movie drawer. “I haven't watched this one yet, but it’s got Marilyn Monroe in it…” They pulled a movie out and held it up to Snowy to see. __ Snowy nodded, following Napsty and watching as they pulled the movie out. "Ooooo, anything with Marilyn Monroe has to be good!" He hummed, grabbing the movie from the teen. "Thanks, let's watch~" He cooed, moving to put the movie in and turn on the TV. Snowy grabbed the remote before tugging Napsty back to the couch. He flopped down and pull the other onto his lap. __ Napsty watched Snowy set the TV up for the movie, then followed him to the couch. When Snowy pulled them into his lap, however, they gave an embarrassed squeak. “O-Oh… Are you sure…? I don't want to make you uncomfortable…” __ Snowy had to force himself to stay quiet when the other squeaked, so cute! "Mhmm! I'm super comfortable. If you're not though we can move. You keep me pretty warm too, and it's nice to be warm during movies." The male smiled, releasing the other's hand and wrapping both his arms loosely around Napsty's waist. __ “I-If you’re sure…” They cautiously leaned against Snowy as his arms wrapped around their waist. Snowy’s lap was pretty comfortable. “You can grab that blanket on the arm of the couch, if you’d like… We can share it…” The teen pointed to it, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible as they snuggled closer. __ Snowy nodded, really glad Napsty wanted to stay where they were. When the teen spoke again, Snowy glanced to where they pointed. "Oh, that sounds good. " He spoke, moving one hand to reach over and grab the blanket. He felt Napsty snuggle closer and he smiled, that felt really nice. Once he had it, the male draped it over the both of them. "You can adjust it how you want, I can't reach too far in front of us." He chuckled, also leaning over to grab the remote. __ Napsty tugged the blanket up further when Snowy said they could adjust it. They made sure it still covered both of them well. “Is it okay like this…?” __ "Of course!" The male chirped, getting the movie to the title screen before pressing play. Snowy then set the remote to his side and wrapped his arms back around Napsty, tugging them closer as he go himself more comfortable. "Let's watch~" He hummed, nuzzling the teen. __ A light blush spread across Napsty's cheeks when Snowy pulled them closer, but they willingly leaned against him, giving a contented sigh. They didn't really how comfy they’d be in Snowy’s lap like this. So warm and cozy. __ Snowy loved just sitting snuggled up with Napsty and watching a movie together, it felt so nice. The male was getting pretty invested in the movie when he spoke up. "Napsty, I think it's been about twenty minutes, yeah? At least check on the fries if nothing else?" He chuckled. "Though being with you here is very comfortable." __ Napsty didn't feel the need to shift once as they say snuggled up to Snowy. His lap was incredibly comfortable. They wouldn't mind sitting like this with him more often. When Snowy mentioned the fries, Napsty nodded. “Oh… You're right… I lost track of time… I'm sorry…” They carefully shifted themself out of Snowy’s lap, putting the blanket back on top of him before heading to the kitchen. When they peeked inside the oven, they could hear the fries sizzling, so they grabbed an oven mitt and pulled the tray from the oven, setting it on the stove. After grabbing a napkin, they pulled a single fry from the tray and set it on the napkin to cool,blowing on it occasionally. Once it cooled enough to eat, they took a bite of it, nodding to themself. “They're done, so I'll start on the sandwiches… What would you like in yours…?” they spoke gently to Snowy. __ Snowy shook his head. "No worries! I pretty much did too!" When Napsty stood, Snowy paused the movie. Snowy was tempted to stand, but he didn't just watching the teen as they checked on everything. When Napsty said they were done, the male smiled. "Cool! Oh uh... I never really thought about it." He chuckled. "Maybe just... Do you have chicken? I mean anything really." __ “Mmhmm. How about the cheese? We have provolone and american. Oh, and swiss, ‘cuz Mom really like it…” As they spoke, Napsty moved to the fridge, getting out all the ingredients they knew they’d want. “And do you want lettuce and tomato too…?” __ "Provolone sounds good, thanks!" He grinned. "Swiss doesn't really sound good right now. Oh and the lettuce please, I'll hold off on tomato. Thank you~" He cooed, smiling at the teen. __ “Okay…” Napsty turned their attention to the sandwiches, putting both his and Snowy’s together before putting them on their own separate plates. After pouring a liberal amount of fries on to both plates, the teen returned to the living room, handing Snowy his plate. “I hope it's alright…” __ Snowy didn't even attempt to turn his attention elsewhere. He didn't know why watching his best friend make sandwiches was so nice, it just was. When the teen returned with the plates, Snowy nodded, shifting slightly. "I'm sure it's great!" He hummed, patting the spot beside him. He wanted to offer his lap again, but while eating probably wasn't a good idea, when they were done though he would let them back. "Thank you for making it, Napsty." __ Napsty willingly sat beside Snowy, then scooted as close as they could, albeit a tad shyly. “Of course…” Setting their plate in their lap, they looked back at Snowy. “Wanna continue the movie then…?” __ "Mhmm." Snowy nodded, pressing play as he started to eat. When the male finished with his food, he asked Napsty if they wanted to sit in his lap again, he was glad that they agreed. The two spent the rest of the movie like that, and he loved the feeling, honestly. At some point he'd rested his head on the teen, snuggling close. As the credits started, Snowy gave a hum. "That was a really good movie. And some amazing food~ What a great cook." __ Napsty hadn't finished their food by the time Snowy asked them if they wanted to sit in his lap, being the slow eater that they were. Bashfully, they accepted, getting cozy in Snowy's lap once more as they finished their food. Then, they set their plates on the coffee table and focused back on the movie. They really found Snowy's lap so comfortable. They didn't think they'd ever want to move. By the time the movie ended, Napsty was truly ready to head back to their room and listen to their new CD with Snowy, preferably lying on the ground. They enjoyed the movie, but the needed some music to recharge. “It was… And I'm glad you liked the food… Sandwiches are one of my favourites…” __ Snowy couldn't help but give a light chuckle at the teen's words. "You're always having sandwiches so I can totally see that!" He spoke, tightening his arms around the whitenette. "You wanna listen to your new CD now? I know i'm excited to hear it, and i'm not even the one who got it, so you must really be ready." __ A light blush lit up Napsty's face when Snowy’s arms tightened around them, but they enjoyed the feeling. “Yeah, I really wanna listen to it… We can go to my room, and I can get it going… if you want…” __ "Then we shall!" He chirped before giving a nod and reluctantly releasing the whitenette so thry could get up. "I'll let you get it ready then, I don't mind cleaning up out here." __ Napsty stood when Snowy released them, eyes widening at his words. “Oh, no, I couldn't let you clean everything up by yourself… I ought to help you with that…” __ "It's fine, I want to."Snowy spoke, standing up from the couch. "It's not that much stuff anyway so it's beyond fine." He nodded, poking Napsty's nose before moving to grab both their plates and head to the kitchen. __ Napsty frowned. “Are… you sure? I don't want to leave you to it if you'd like some help…” __ Snowy nodded. "Yup, it's really no problem Napsty." He smiled. "There's not too much of a clean up anyway. It takes about a minute or somethin'." The male spoke, setting the plates in the sink and turning the water on to rinse them off. __ “Okay… if you’re sure…” They took the CD from the coffee table and headed back to their room, walking to their bookcase to check on their snails. “Hi snails… How are you doing…?” they spoke quietly, looking at all of them. They seemed to be doing well, so they headed to their desk, hitting the eject button on the player. It spat out the tray, and Napsty took the CD inside, putting it in its case before tearing open the new one. They set the CD in the tray, but waited to press the button to pull the CD back in until Snowy joined them. __ Snowy finished rinsing the dishes and began to take care of the pan the fries were in. When the male finally finished everything and turned off the TV, he headed toward Napsty's room. "Heya!" He chirped. "All finished and ready to listen!" __ Napsty had settled into their desk chair and already taken everything out of their pocket and set them on the desk by the time Snowy walked in, and they nodded up at him. “Okay, thank you… Uhm…” They looked down. “I know I always ask, and it probably gets… annoying, but… is laying on the ground okay…? It just helps me relax…” __ "Of course it's okay, Napsty!" Snowy smiled. "And it's never annoying, I promise!" The male stepped forward and reached behind his head, undoing the hair clip and letting his hair fall. He moved the clip to his pocket before returning his hands to his hair and fluffing it out and shaking his head. Snowy loved his long hair, he just liked having it up and out of the way most of the time, mostly at school actually. Some people couldn't grasp the concept of a guy having long hair. When Snowy laid down though, he liked to have his hair down, and he was most comfortable doing so in front of Napsty. Plus he knew the teen didn't care. "Well, I'm ready now." He chuckled with a smile. __ Napsty couldn't help but stare for a few moments as Snowy let down his hair. He had it up so much of the time that Napsty could easily forget how long it really was. They made sure to look away before they were caught, pushing the CD into the player. “Okay…” They laid down on their favourite spot on the floor and stared up at the ceiling, waiting for the music to start. __ As the teen laid down on the floor, Snowy did the same, though he may have scooted himself a bit too close to Napsty. He didn't mind though, the male just closed his eyes as the music started; idly letting his hand find Napsty's and lacing their fingers together. __ Napsty closed their eyes as Snowy got comfortable beside them, a little grin pulling at their lips when they felt Snowy lace his fingers with theirs. They were glad for the contact. Napsty wasn't much for conversation when they were listening to music, so they stayed silent as the CD played. Only once it played through all the songs and went silent did Napsty open their eyes. “Oh… Guess it's done… Thank you for buying me that… I really like it…” __ Snowy's focus was mostly on the music, though it occasionally strayed to Napsty. After awhile he closed his eyes and only focused on the music. He was surprised when the music ended, was that really all of them? It was a great CD for sure. "I guess it is." He spoke, slowly opening his eyes and squeezing the teen's hand. "Of course, Napsty." He hummed. "I really liked it too, it was awesome." __ They looked at their best friend. “So, what would you like to do now…? I can burn a copy of the CD for you, if you'd like…” __ Snowy rolled over slightly so he was closer to the teen. "If you could, that'd be awesome. More awesome music to listen to on the way to school." The male reluctantly shifted and sat up, stretching his arms up and giving a yawn. __ Napsty felt a little warmer when Snowy rolled over to be closer, but once the male sat up, Napsty did too. “Okay, I'll get that started for you…” The teen pushed themself up, walking to their desk and sitting in the chair. They popped the CD out of the player and put it in the computer, getting started on making the CD for Snowy. __ Snowy nodded. "Thanks~" He cooed as he stood, glancing around for a moment before deciding to plop onto Napsty's bed, curling up a bit and facing toward the teen to watch them work. Any time they were doing anything involving music, the thing they loved, Snowy felt so happy. Napsty was going to achieve their goals easily with the knowledge they had. It was so motivating for Snowy, he was going to work extra hard to be a comedian. __ Napsty quickly and easily got the CD made for Snowy, putting it in a blank case and writing on it what was on it. They put in a piece of paper that had all the track listings as well and slipped it inside the case before handing it to Snowy. “Here you go… So you can listen to it whenever you want…” __ Snowy continued to watch the teen as they finished, sitting up once they were done. "Coooool thank yoooou~" He cooed, standing up to take the CD as well as give his best friend a hug. "I'll be listening to this for awhile!" A thought then occurred to him and he dug his phone from his pocket; checking the time. "Crap, I should probably head home before my dad throws a fit." __ Napsty didn't have to think twice about accepting Snowy’s hug, even wishing the contact lasted longer. Snowy made them feel so comfortable and calm. His hugs were the best, too. A small frown turned down the courner of Napsty’s lips when Snowy spoke, but they nodded. They didn't want Snowy to leave. “Oh… Okay… I guess… I'll see you at school, then…?” __ He frowned when Napsty did. "I know, I'm sorry. You know how my dad gets, so paranoid over me being out late. But yeah, I'll see you in school, for sure!" He chirped, smiling at the them. The male bit his lip then and took a breath before leaning forward, placing a quick kiss to the teen's cheek before stepping back and towards the door. "Okay, see you later Napsty! I'll text you when I'm home." That wasn't the first time he'd kissed Napsty's cheek; his mother used to greet people in that way, and snowy learned to do it too. Somehow this time he'd been almost nervous to do so. It was odd, but he had to admit, Napsty's skin was so soft. __ Napsty blinked when Snowy kissed their cheek. It wasn't like he'd never done that before, but it still made them a tad more flustered than usual. They liked it, though. It was sweet. “O-okay… Bye, Snowy…”

#snxwdrxke #threads #napsty rps #bv; human #brp: a day hanging out #closed #completed

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zerosuspensiongogo-blog · 7 years

Text

Double Sided Coin || Self

Gogo wasn’t Hogwarts’s biggest fan, but she always dreaded when it ended. It wasn’t necessarily what she’d be missing: her small group of friends, easy access to knowledge and resources, or the freedom of the grounds.

No, it was what she would be forced to gain. Which was the presence of the man waiting for her when she stepped off of the train on Platform Nine and Three Quarters. He was tall with broad shoulders, salt and pepper hair, and a scruffy beard matched his somewhat scruffy getup. He had thick, dark eyebrows that mirrored Gogo’s own and they raised when he saw her. A forced smile tugged at his lips as he waved her over. Her stomach churned but she ignored it, sluggishly shuffling towards him while blowing a large bubble. The popping noise rang with distaste.

“Hey kiddo! Long time no see. You ready to go?” He asked, his voice saccharine to the point that she wanted to gag.

“Mm,” was all she responded with, giving a half-hearted shrug. She could see his features twitch a little as he sighed deeply and held out an arm. She glared at it, purposefully not moving for long enough to be inconvenient but not long enough for him to say anything. Then, she merely stepped back.

“Can do it myself now,” she said simply. He blinked in surprise.

“I didn’t know you got your appiration license.”

“My birthday was in April, I turned 17,” she reminded him in a deadpan voice.

“Ah, right. I knew that,” he added quickly at the end. And indeed, she had gotten a card from him with the bare minimum “Happy Birthday From Dad” on it on time, but she was sure at this point that he had some sort of timer and forgot about the date at all other times.

“Are you sure you want to try apparating all the way to the portkey? It might not be safe--”

“I got it.”

“I really don’t think--”

“I got it!” She snapped more aggressively, shooting him a glare. He frowned deeply but then shook his head with a sigh.

“Alright...you go first and I’ll stay behind in case you splinch anything.”

‘Maybe I’ll get lucky and splinch my fucking head off,’ She thought to herself, without an inch of sarcasm. With a loud, resounding crack, she disapparated.

Much to her misfortune, she apparated in the right place, body parts and all.

Her father owned a small house in the Irish countryside. Some would call it cozy, with worn architecture and massive fields of wheat going in all directions. A dirt path several kilometers long would eventually take one to a small muggle town, where the locals gathered in the pub every night to communally drink and make merry.

Or to drown out the misery of their shitty lives, Gogo thought to herself. The sparse, insect infested home was a prison for the Slytherin girl, one that she’d been subjected to for months on end ever since her parents separated. It had only been for holidays and winter break when she’d started school. But after her mother lost her job, she couldn’t afford to raise Gogo in the summer months while also taking care of her ailing parents. So after some good old fun custody disputes, she was forced to waste her summers away in a home that she hated with a man she hated even more.

Most of the time, she’d walk, bike, run, skate--whatever method of escape she could use to travel into town. But there were only so many times you could cycle through the same handful of buildings before you wanted to blow your brains out. And Gogo was already way past that point.

So she sat in her father’s garage--no, it was a joke to even call it that. First of all, they didn’t have a car. Even if they did, it would have to be one of those smart cars if it ever hoped to fit. Instead, it was just a crappy dusty room littered with miscellaneous crap. Gogo was pretty sure there was garbage in here that she’d tossed out last summer. But, it was one of the few spaces that had a halfway decent fan and that she sat under, working on some schematics for an invention she’d been working on for awhile now. She’d been reading up on magnetic levitation and had some ideas on how to combine it with magic to create even faster methods of transportation. Many of the first editions had been duds but she had a feeling this time it would be different.

However, she had to stifle a groan when she heard the door open up behind her. She didn’t even bother looking up from her notebook, nor did she stop her sketching. She could just feel his ooze creeping up behind her, breathing down her neck.

“What’cha drawing there, kiddo? Is it anime?”

Her grip tightened on her pencil, her knuckles turning white. She took a deep breath and tried to force herself to relax, just continuing her work as if he wasn’t there.

“No. They’re schematics for an invention I’m working on. It’ll use electromagnetic suspension and free-form levitation charms to reduce friction and enhance speed and maneuverability,” she replied dryly. She could feel her father shifting uncomfortably behind her.

“Ah. Right.” A silence fell between them. She hoped that he would take a hint and go away. He did not.

“So, how did quidditch go this year? Did Slytherin win?”

Gogo felt her jaw clench. “How should I know? I’m not on the team.”

“Aw c’mon, but you have to at least watch, right? Y’know, you should really consider trying out again. I’m sure you’re better now than you were a couple years ago.”

“It wasn’t because I wasn’t good enough, it was because people on the team fucking hated me,” she growled, her pencil strokes becoming a little harsher.

“Merlin, Leiko, not everyone is out to get you. It’s alright that you didn’t make the cut the first time around, you don’t have to go blaming it on everyone else.”

She could already feel her hands beginning to shake in anger. No one else could get her as worked up as he did--and in record time too. He didn’t have a fucking clue what he was talking about but here he was, spouting off his unwarranted and nonfactual opinion. And as much as she didn’t want to argue about it, there was still something she couldn’t let go.

“I told you, it’s Gogo now.”

The condescending chuckle behind her made her want to shove her pencil through the notebook. Or his face. “Are you still going by that? C’mon, don’t you think you’ve outgrown it? I mean, ‘Go-go’,” he repeated in a mocking tone, “Sounds a bit ridiculous in’nit?”

“Just as ridiculous as ‘Kris-to-fer Dun-nuh’,” she repeated back in just as mocking a tone. His silence was enough to tell her that she’d managed to get under his skin as well. He sighed deeply, running a hand through his greying hair.

“Are we really going to do this again this year? Really?”

“What thing is that,” Shed asked, deadpan.

“The thing where you treat me like absolute shite and I’m supposed to just laugh it off like ‘Hoho, that’s my girl!’ because you report even the slightest hint of discipline as abuse?”

Gogo couldn’t help but give a ghost of a smirk at that. “No, yeah that sounds about right.”

“Fuckin’ hell--” He muttered angrily to himself. She could hear him start to pace around behind her. “You know, I’m actually fucking trying here.”

She inhaled sharply through her nose, practically scratching her pencil and nearly ripping the paper. “Are you? Because you came in here and degraded my drawings before immediately changing the subject to something that only you care about, pretended to have a clue what goes on with me at school, and made fun of my fucking name!”

“Well what the hell do you want me to say!? I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about half the time!”

“You never even tried to learn! All you’ve ever done is try to get me interested in the things that you like, you have never once tried to relate to any of my interests or hobbies or anything that goes on with me!”

“What the fuck do you expect when all you do is sass me and treat me like fucking garbage!” There was a part of her, the teeniest, tiniest sliver that almost felt bad for him. In his eyes, he probably didn’t realize why his daughter hated him so much. He didn’t know that she knew things that she wasn’t supposed to. But those things that she knew far outweighed any semblance of pity into pure malice. “Y’know, any other parent would smack you across your smart mouth for saying half the things you do!”

“Yeah, let’s see how well that works out for you,” she growled dangerously, hunching over her work as she furiously drew. At this point, she’d all but completely decimated any decipherable measurements. Now she was just drawing angry scribbles and furiously stabbing at stick figures that resembled her father.

She thought that would be the end of it. By now, he usually gave up in a huff and that would be the last they’d speak to each other for several more days before the cycle continued. But instead, she could hear footsteps coming up behind her.

“Y’know, you should be fucking grateful for the life I’ve given you. I work hard, every day so that I can earn money to support you, despite the fact that you treat me like dirt. And I let you get away with being an ungrateful, spoiled little--”

He was interrupted by Gogo throwing her notebook and pencil on the desk in front of her and loudly slow clapping. “Oh, congratu-fucking-lations, you’ve done the bare fucking minimum by being a decent human being and taking care of the spawn that your reckless behavior made,” she drawled sarcastically, finally turning to glare at him. His face was bright red by this point and he was fuming just as much as she was.

“Hey, I didn’t have to come back to support you or your mother! But I did because, despite what you seem to think, I actually do give a shit about you!” He yelled at her, aggressively. Yeah, some way to show love and care.

“Do you? Or did you do it because you’re trying to convince yourself that you aren’t a shitty, terrible human being?” His eyes widened and he straightened at that, looking almost like she’d slapped him. With the verbal upper hand, she continued. “’Cuz yeah, I tried to do that once too. But shocker, you’re terrible and I’m your terrible fucking child that you brought in the world. Guess you’ve got to deal with the fucking consequences!”

He stood there in a stunned silence. She glared at him before spinning back towards her work, drawing it close to her body again. Surely this time he would take the hint and piss off. But no, much to her chagrin, he started speaking again.

“Wha-- What the fuck is wrong with you? Who says this kind of stuff?!”

“Me, apparently,” she replied dryly, the anger draining from her voice. The anger was always quick, and then it would subside, replaced by emptiness. No, she’d replace it with something else. With racing thoughts, or invention ideas, or anything else. She turned to a new page and began to lightly sketch, trying to fill the void. But her father wouldn’t let it go that easily.

“What, you can’t even be grateful that you’re fucking alive? That’s how much you want to spite me?!” He demanded. She could practically feel the heat radiating off of him. She scowled, every muscle in her body tense and itching to explode. But she ignored him, remaining silent as she continued to sketch. He stood there, waiting for an answer. One that she refused to give. Finally, fists and jaws clenched, he took a step back and shook his head.

“Bloody hell, if that’s the case, then you might as well fucking kill yourself, eh?” He huffed. It was supposed to be sarcastic. It was supposed to be a joke, the same kind of dark, destructive and hurtful humor that she’d been throwing at him for years now. But those words, strung into that exact sentence, in that exact tone, seemed to set something off in her. She didn’t mean to say it, but the words slipped out of her mouth.

“God, I can only hope someday!” They both stopped in that moment. She sat there, frozen, feeling his eyes boring into the back of her head--searching her, trying to figure out what truth hid under a mountain of sarcasm and cynicism. But after a moment, he scoffed.

“Can you not be sarcastic for like, a minute in your fucking life?” Gogo had to keep herself from giving any visceral signs of relief that he wasn’t going to push her on this. That like everything else, this was clearly just another one of her facetious statements.

“Maybe someday,” she retorted with a hollow tone. His glare worsened but he shook his head, seemingly finally giving in.

“I don’t fucking get it with you. No, you know what? I do. You were upset about the separation and you’re upset that you have to come live with me in the countryside instead of being in London with your mother. I get how that can be annoying. I get that you’re a teenager, and it’s ~fun and edgy~ to rip your parents a new one. But y’know, someday you are going to realize and appreciate just how hard I work to provide a roof over your head, food on the table, and money for your education. I don’t even ask for you to thank me for that, it’s all coming to you and your mother in the form of child support. All I do is give and let you verbally beat me down and do whatever the fuck you want. Maybe you don’t realize just how fucking lucky you have it, but you will someday.” With that, she heard him turn and start to walk back towards the main house.

And normally, she would leave it at that. She’d be grateful that he was backing off and leaving her the fuck alone to do what she wanted. But there was something about the condescension in his tone and how she knew that it was all bullshit that seemed to trigger something in her. She didn’t mean for it to come out, but just as he always did, he managed to bring the worst out of her.

“Forgive me for not pitying your hard work, but I’m sure you’re plenty fine if you can own two houses,” she said, her voice dripping in acid. As she turned to him, she caught a glimpse of him absolutely freezing in his place. When he turned back to her, his eyes were wide in a way that she’d never seen before.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me, Mr. Shwartz,” she spat the name that had sat on her tongue for so many years. For so long, she’d imagined his reaction for when she finally revealed her knowledge to him. Much like her fantasies, all the color drained from his face, and his whole body tensed. His mouth even fell open. But instead of feeling empowered and rectified, she only felt seething rage and pain boiling in her gut.

“Wh-- I-- Ho-- What the fuck--” He started to stammer. She wanted to feel triumphant but instead, she just cut him off.

“What, you really didn’t think I knew?” She hawed skeptically. The utter bewilderment on his face was enough of an answer. But she gave a few of her own, scoffing. “I looked around the school. No signs of a ~star Slytherin quidditch player~ named Christopher Dunne, but there sure as hell was a Christopher Schwartz. Not to mention the fact that all the letters you get while we’re here are mailed to a different address. Combined with the fact that you’ve never introduced me to any family members and this place doesn’t look like it’s touched except when I’m here...it’s not fucking rocket science.”

Her father just stared at her. It was almost hard to read his expression. There was confusion, anger, shock, but also hints of something else that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. In between a clenched jaw, through gritted teeth, he finally demanded. “How long?”

Gogo scoffed again, folding her arms and leaning back in the chair. “Years now,” she rebutted simply. The color seemed to come back into his face, a deep red flush rising.

“And why the hell did you wait until now to say something?!” The more he spoke, the more loud and unraveled he seemed to become. Gogo seemed to do the same.

“Because, up until now I’ve needed your fucking money to survive!” She shot back, verbally throwing him off guard. He blinked and looked to her with that stupid fucking bewilderment again. She sighed sharply. “Child support, dumbass.”

The insult seemed to kick him right back into his fury as he squared his shoulders. “What-- you think if you told me earlier I wouldn’t pay child support?!”

“Uh, yeah?”

“Merlin, Leiko, I would never do that! I’m not the fucking monster that you think I am!” He screamed, a vein now pulsing in his neck.

“Could’ve fooled me with all the fucking court cases in my life! And I told you, it’s Gogo!”

“It’s stupid!” He roared, violently swinging his arm out. It wasn’t anywhere close to her, clearly just a way to blow off some steam, but she felt her muscles instinctively tighten. “Any disputes in child support were because your mother wasn’t spending the money on you! Wasting the money on her leech parents--”

Something seemed to snap in Gogo and she slammed her hand on the table, going to stand. “Don’t you dare even put their names in your mouth! ‘I’m not a fucking monster’, look at you! You can’t just knock someone up and then try to drop everything except your shitty seed!”

“I tried to make things work with your mother! But she was too--”

“Too what?” Gogo started, pushing herself off of the desk and towards her father. The man twitching with violent aggression. “Too muggle?”

“Wha-- No!” He shouted. Gogo caught a glimpse of his fist tightening, the muscles in his arm tensing.

‘Do it. Hit me.’

She gave him a sickening smile as she drew closer. “Too or-i-en-tal?” She emphasized each syllable with a hideous broken English accent.

“No!” His face was bright red by now and his body was trembling.

‘Do it old man. See what fucking happens.’

“That’s why you have the fake name, right? And the second house? Why your family is “estranged”? Because we’re the estranged family not good enough for your hoity-toity, stuck-up, inbred, garbage pureblood family! But guess what, Kris-to-fer Schwartz, you aren’t as fucking smart as you think you are! In fact, I’d say you’re a right fucking dumbass! You go out, shoot your load without protection like a fucking moron and then spend the rest of your life floundering about trying to deal with your mistake so you don’t have to face the reality that--Oh that’s right! You’re a terrible fucking human being who’s too much of a ballsack coward to commit to either being a fucking father or being--whatever the fuck a Schwartz is! But that’s you! That’s who you are! And nothing is ever going to change that!”

By the time she was done ranting, she was standing in front of the seething man. With every sharp inhale, every pulse of the vein, she waited for anything. A twitch--any movement to indicate a violent reaction. In her eyes it was a win-win-win either way. Either she would have an excuse to beat the ever-loving crap out of him or he’d somehow get the upper hand and she’d get him thrown in jail. Or the third option was that he’d go completely fucking nuts and just murder her but again--win-win-win.

He inhaled sharply through his nose and she braced herself. With his exhale, he spoke sharply through bare, gritted teeth. “You-- have NO fucking idea what you’re talking about!”

And then a crack echoed throughout the room. Gogo acted on instinct, bringing her arms up to block herself, just like countless sparring matches had taught her. But nothing made impact. In fact, when she lowered her arms, she saw that the garage was now empty.

He’d disappeared. No, more actually, he disapparated.

He was running away.

Just like he did with everything fucking ELSE!

The thought roared in Gogo’s mind as she spun around, harshly kicking the chair across the room. It clattered against the far wall and fell over, but Gogo didn’t dare stop moving. She couldn’t. She grabbed her notebook and raced up to her room, grabbing her bag and hapharzardly throwing in whatever was in her reach. Clothes, toiletries, her wand, various tools and supplies that she’d transfigured into much safer, travel-friendly form. Then she practically flew to the kitchen where she raided the place for food that wouldn’t expire--taking her father’s favorite snacks just to spite him. Then when all was said and done, she returned to the garage and grabbed her favorite form of transportation that she so rarely got to use at school--her bicycle. It was one of the first one she’d ever made magical modifications on, with tires that could change their tread depending on the terrain. All but slamming the button to open the door, she mounted the cycle and peddled off into the night as fast as possible.

Sure, it probably would have been much easier to apparate to the portkey that would take her from Ireland back to London. But for once in her life, she wasn’t going to take the fastest route possible. She was going to peddle, and push, and force out every horrible toxic thing out of her body until she was nothing but an empty, exhausted shell.

Besides, she could afford to take the time. Because now she had the summer all to herself.

#fhogself #god this should be dated back to june sorry for the lateness yall #npc: christopher

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