#i just wish i was mentally stable when we knew each other but i dont get to choose or was weak/unable to do so

[saisons-en-enfer]

I’ll be your silent witness I’ll be your border line I’ll keep you safe and sacred just keep your heart close to mine

[waffliesinyoface]

continuing the trend of nonsensical narutoposting, i'm going to share my headcanons for how self-reflective and/or emotionally health all of the akatsuki are. 

itachi: this man has no self reflection skills at all. he thinks he is Fine. if you really pressed him, he might admit to having some "slightly" "controlling tendencies". But other people are wrong anyways, so really, he's just being polite. This is a massive understatement, and is only one of the many, many things wrong with him. (“I’m a pacifist :(,” says Itachi, "Violence is wrong,” he says, genjutsu-ing a man into being mentally eaten by crows until he dies, “I wonder how itouto is doing,” he wonders, casually setting a man on fire.)

kisame: above average self-reflection skills. he has correctly deduced that he is depressed and a little paranoid. however he is also resigned to it, because that's the default state for most ninjas, especially ones from Mist. Probably does not realize that some of his issues are giant red berserk buttons.

deidara: mentally stable? ehhh *vague hand gesture*. honest with himself? he knows exactly what he's about. him bitching about his job and coworkers constantly is probably very grating, but emotionally healthy for him. good for him.

sasori: he knows himself well enough that he knew he would prefer to literally embody his art. however, he is great at convincing himself he doesnt have emotions when in fact he does have quite a few.

hidan: somehow, the most emotionally healthy akatsuki member?? he knows what he wants, what he likes, what he's passionate about, etc. other people might wish he was a bit more conflicted about things but thats Their Problem, not his. However this is not  because he’s better at this than anyone else, this is because unlike everyone else in the group, he has no trauma. Trauma is what happens to other people when they meet him. 

kakuzu: on some level, probably realizes he has Issues™. Does not connect his constant frothing rage to these issues. That’s clearly just his default, he's been like that for ages. (no!!!)

pein: so hilariously bad at this whole emotional/self-reflection thing that naruto’s special talk-no-jutsu caused him to die

konan: she knows that she is, on some level, fucked up, but she has buried that under layers of professionalism and murder and also paper. Deals with things better than pein but like. They were both super codependent on each other and i really wish we could’ve seen what she was like after pein’s death. Because i feel like it could’ve been the stepping stone to her being more unhinged in new and interesting ways. However, she was immediately murdered by obito as part of madara’s plot to get new special eyes. fuck you, kishimoto!!!!!

tobi: this man is somehow, even worse than pein. if the naruto universe was interested in things like “higher education” and “things that dont involve new and creative methods of murder”, there would be so many psychology majors dying to study him like a bug. why are you like this, obito. Your tragic backstory about getting crushed in a cave-in and being manipulated taught by your weird grampa and seeing rin die and everything does not adequately explain anything about you. Not only does he have the self-reflection skills of a mushroom, but I don’t think he even knows why he does the things he does in the first place.

zetsu: disqualified due to being a plant/vessel for an evil alien/guy who got chewed up and spat out by said alien. Asking if he’s emotionally healthy is like asking what the color blue smells like. Curious about the very concept in the same way that he is curious about the Experience of Having To Poop. 

[theunconcernedembalmer]

what’s the issue with elisop? is it just bc you hc aesop as ace? im so concerned by seeing ppl adamantly opposed to mlm/wlw ships but im also genuinely curious about why you dislike it and other lgbt ships so much lol

hmm. that is a strong accusation, n i find it just a bit odd. are you new here? or perhaps you are taking personal offense at my dislike towards a favourite ship of yours and using the lgbt argument as moral high ground?

whatever the case may be, i thank you for asking. if u r truly looking for an answer, its below the cut n it is very very long. mind u these are all my personal opinions n i am in no way policing how others enjoy ships. just in case this wasnt clear; i dont wish to start discourse on this blog, especially since my takes are probably... unpopular.

firstly i would like to address the “disliking lgbt ships” bit, because this has very strong implications in itself. i have nothing against lgbt ships. i enjoy them, even. if the two characters have chemistry between each other, i ship it. however, the moment characterization is broken for the sake of romance, i lose interest. this is generally my stance on ships in general, n this applies for both straight n lgbt ships. 

the ships themselves are fine. however, i do have issues with the ship dynamics, so ill let u in on that.

i want to touch on mlm ships in particular; i believe u are familiar with the top/bottom dynamic that is rampant in these kinds of ships? (i wont deny that this dynamic can be found in other types of ships, but for arguments sake i will be focusing on gay ships because i feel that this occurs more commonly here) its such a popular dynamic that is prone to stripping the personality from one if not both characters, only for them to be reduced to being dominant/submissive. for a character to be pigeonholed into a stereotypical category based on... preferred sexual positions? its just downright insulting, never mind the larger more problematic implications of it. top/bottom is not indicative of someones personality, by the way. flattening multi dimensional characters into these stereotypes is so so so insulting.

unfortunately this is The Most Popular portrayal of just about any gay ship around. ive seen it being used everywhere in so many fandoms n it just about becomes apparent to me that ppl come to stories looking for a Ship. not the stories, nor the characters, just a ship. while id like to say theres nothing wrong with that, keep in mind not everyone is just looking for 2 characters that look pretty next to each other. if i ship something, i see interesting n meaningful interactions between 2 characters, which is so often not the case once u bring in the top/bottom dynamic. why is it so popular? because somehow this is what ppl like from a gay ship n hence it sells. ppl want the drama, characterizations be damned. ppl want to see the big kiss that happens in the end, n maybe the sexy parts that come after. characterizations be damned.

so u can say im a little wary of gay ships when they cross my feed. hell, as a joseph aesop shipper i see this trope everywhere n im pretty disappointed as well. small tangent but i feel like this is the reason why zh0ngli n ch1lde is so popular in g3nshin. i try to see the appeal, i really do, but after a long while of analyzing their respective characters i dont think they have as much chemistry as ppl think they do. dont even get me started on how incredibly ooc they make either of these very interesting n unique characters in ship portrayals. all because of the top/bottom dynamic that ppl want to see. i say this for that particular ship, but this is pretty much the case for a lot of ships out there, n the latter part is painfully true even when the 2 characters do have potential between each other. ill say it again im disgusted by the blatant disrespect to the characterizations if all ppl ever want is 2 pretty puppets to mush lips together. cos thats what theyre essentially reduced to this way.

n its so obvious to see when an artist subscribes to this rhetoric, because u can so clearly see it in the way they draw their characters. the “top” generally has sharper features to go with their “dominating personality”, while the “bottom” has disturbingly softer, feminine, dare i say sometimes child like features “to submit”. n thats where the uwu soft gay trope comes from, i believe. which, in case u still dont know, i hate with a burning passion.

so again for ppl with impaired reading comprehension, im fine with ships, including lgbt ones, but the moment u break characterization for the sake of the ship, im not that okay with it. u want to do it for a short crack comic? fine. but if thats the only way ur portraying the 2 characters then im immediately wary of ur content. ill still look at it cos usually the art is really good, but im very very wary. so im not “adamantly opposed”, just very critical of how the ships are being portrayed. if other ppl want to enjoy their ships like that, sure. just dont expect me to join in on something i dont agree on.

.

now id like to address not shipping “because i hc aesop as ace”. for ppl who are new to the blog (hello there), im an ace in a romantic relationship, so thats definitely not the reason i dont ship elisop. its more of being in a relationship has largely shaped my views towards romance as a whole. even before i met my boyfriend, i hated the romance genre in stories n media. most of it comes off as incredibly forced, especially those love triangles they seem to love putting into teen novels. thats one reason why i stopped reading when i was younger, but i digress.

did i partake in shipping when i was younger? i did. for a gay ship too (if anyone really wants to know, its kurotsukki from haikyuu. at least this was one that i can remember, i was mostly working on my 20 odd ocs for the longest time). i also used to write little short romance ficlets that i never posted anywhere cos i hated (n still do hate) my writing. but writing romance when u dont have experience was really just a way of projecting n probably a way of coping for myself, not that i knew at that time. but after i actually started a relationship with my boyfriend (whom i love n cherish a lot thank u very much), i began to see how much all these have skewed my views towards romance n have actually done some harm to our relationship. the bullshit that the general media feeds u constantly doesnt help in the slightest either.

quick topic shift to elisop in particular (about time, right?). i already stated that i only ship characters if i sense chemistry between the two personalities, n if u have seen the part where i dont ship elisop then u must have seen how agonized i am over not being able to have a concrete personality for eli. that is the main problem i have with elisop: eli does not feel like a solid character to me. n that is a huge problem, because if he doesnt have any defining characteristics besides being mild n nice, then he can be whoever i want him to be. (i have done this in my exorcist comics, i will admit this. n the fact that i can just do that... it really does not sit well with me personally.)

n that is dangerous.

back to young me doing lil ship things. i think its also pretty safe to say when u really do ship 2 characters, chances are u kinda really relate very very hard to at least one of them. that very quickly can turn into projecting, n shipping therefore is not “exploring the relationship between 2 characters” n it becomes “my preferred dating simulator 101″. of course this isnt always the case, but at least it was for me, n subconsciously it might be for lots of ppl too. n since this is ur mental playground, u call the shots, n there is no consequences if u slightly (or even entirely) alter one or both personalities to fit ur desired narrative. n u wouldnt even notice or know, cos ur blind to ur own biasness.

we bring our perceived notions into real life, im sure u know that. so when ur partner does not become that perfect knight in shining armour, or when they get upset at things that u do (which is a very normal thing by the way), n u think (very subconsciously), That isnt what my otp would do, something is wrong here (nothing is wrong, actually its just ur skewed perception of a stable romantic relationship). why wouldnt ur otp do this? because u are both halves of ur otps, there is no hidden secrets between them (apart from the pining part but thats irrelevant), n again they have been altered to fit ur preferred narrative. 

a real relationship requires a lot of communication between parties, because newsflash, liking someone doesnt mean that u have to like every single thing they do, they will make mistakes n it will hurt u, n guess what, the reverse is also true. if u do go with absoutely anything that they would do with 0 objections whatsoever, ur not crushing on someone, ur idolizing them, n that power imbalance is detrimental to a relationship. these things are not obvious to ppl, especially when the whole climate is hell bent on getting into romantic relationships by a certain age or some bullshit. communication is key n is pretty much the only way to solve relationship issues, because the other person has a lot that u r not seeing n vice versa. as similar as 2 ppl can be, i doubt u can have 100% the same thoughts on all things. i dont make the rules.

so in ur mental playground u focus on the fluffy parts, maybe there is communication, but rarely is there any meaningful conflict. thats unrealistic, n if u bring that mindset to an actual relationship, thats not going to end well. i say meaningful conflict, because yes, generally u shouldnt have conflicts with ur significant other. but inevitably when ur with each other for long enough, u will realize that there are habits that u must change in order to be with the other person. habits that are harmful to the other person directly, or harmful habits towards yourself that indirectly harm the other person. these are meaningful in a sense that if left alone, it will manifest into larger problems that will harm u, the other person n the relationship as a whole. its meaningful to the relationship.

all these is made even worse if ur neurodivergent. maladaptive coping practices, self sabotaging behaviours, inherent disabilities. all these must be adjusted n addressed. im so incredibly thankful for my boyfriend for being incredibly patient with me when working all these out, n it has not been easy for me to work on myself n all my problems, n im still not done working on them. this aspect is often not explored in romance in general (or properly), n there is a very good chance i would have still been stuck in the unhealthy mindset of “this isnt like my otp, maybe we’re not meant to be”. because loving someone is a choice. no one is made for each other, it is a conscious choice made between 2 ppl to make things work. this is how arranged marriages work, i am told, n i do see the appeal, not that it actually does appeal to me culturally.

special mention to the kurotsukki ship, cos from there i found a very, very good fic that explored their relationship before n after getting together, n it actually showed aspects of this problem in the incredibly slow burn of (at that time) 20+ chapters. it was just one fic (n a very good one at that, i believe it was called Leviticus), but it had a lesson i never thought i needed to learn, n learn it i did, with a lot of help from my dear. 

this is also probably the reason why i dont really want to delve too much into romance now. i know its a lot of work, n everything (mostly) that the media feeds u is really false advertising, but ppl eat that shit up n so it remains one of the most popular genres to date. im just very wary that if i do start on a romantic story, i want to be able to show it in a way like that fic did, the truths of relationships, because i dont want to make something that sells, i want to make something that meaningful to me, if a little indulgent. n that also includes being very careful in how the respective characterizations will change in a relationship. almost too careful now that i think about it, but its not something that i mind. i was never one for romance from the start, n now im very careful about shipping because of what happened to me persoanlly.

okay enough about me, lets talk about aesop. in any au u put the character in, the essence of the character must remain despite the change in environment. so lets say we have ur typical modern au. dead mom, check. shitty mentor doing illegal stuff? also check. autistic boy with social anxiety? we’re good to go. all these have implications on aesop as a character, n while ppl are aware of this, again the way they go about portraying it can go, in my personal opinion, very wrong. ppl who immediately woobify aesop completely because he has autism annoy me. ppl who reduce him to uwu soft boi cos he has social anxiety do not know how the disorder really works n as someone who has that i hate it to the core. ppl who do all these for the sake of ship have lost my respect. its insulting.

remember the top/bottom dynamic? not that elisop is completely free from that (even if i dont know much about eli, to put him in either one of those stereotypes feels very insulting to his character. i wont even say anything about doing it to aesop its so upsetting), but its not entirely made up of either. but now i want to introduce another trope i am very wary of, which is “i can fix him”. im sure u guys have seen the meme going around poking fun at this trope (for those who havent, its along the lines of “u can fix him? well i can be his worst nightmare”) n no doubt yall would have seen it n gotten sick of it in some forced hetero romantic bullshit. we have one damsel in distress with a saviour that solves all their problems just by existing n being romo with each other.

remember “my preferred dating simulator 101″? this is not mutually exclusive n from my point of view this is dangerously close to this trope. lets be real, if it was actually a thing that all ur deep rooted trauma magically disappears if someone were to waltz into ur life, we would want it. definitely. no painfully dissecting ur own problems n constantly facing them head on. real life states that this is not the case, but it will not stop us from dreaming. n so this trope is born n lives n will go on.

(finally) pulling aesop n eli into this, at least in my mind, u have one severely traumatized boy with lots of issues n u have this. nice mild guy who can be anything u want him to be. i hope u can see where im going with this, n thats the direction i see some elisop heading towards (i dont read a lot of elisop to be fair). if u came from my eli character talk, i mentioned that it is incredibly one sided. this is exactly what im talking about.

putting it all together in case u havent already, aesop is the damsel in distress, whose problems magically disappear because of elis godly kindness n little to no work on improving himself, n they lived happily n gayly ever after.

can u tell how much that does not appeal to me. 

never mind the butchering of character that inevitably happens somewhere somehow, the unrealistically perfect themes n implications of this trope makes me so viscerally uncomfortable. this is, of course, due to personal reasons, n i definitely see the appeal of this dynamic because i would probably have been interested in this once upon a time as well. but as i am now, with everything i have explained up there n everything i have been through, i would politely rather not.

n its difficult to think of another dynamic, because of how little i know about eli apart from him being this saint, which easily makes him a candidate for being aesops trauma panacea. never mind aesop rarely, if ever, does anything for eli as a character in return, n its so damaging to buy into this rhetoric, where a person like this who would solve all ur issues no strings attached exists somewhere in the world. they really dont. a relationship has to be mutually benefitting, or it will be draining n disastrous. maybe u say, Oh its nice to imagine it once in a while. n yeah, i agree, except once in a while is a little difficult to keep track of n that is sort of what happened to me. id rather stay as far away as possible from this kind of unrealistic fantasy, i just got this shit sorted out with myself n my boyfriend.

i have some other reasons, but theyre more personally problematic, so i wont go into them here. but this is mostly n generally why i do not ship elisop romantically. if u do, u do u, and have fun, but again dont expect me to join u. thank u for coming to my ted talk, this took a lot longer than expected.

[skiasurveys]

494

Name: skia

Country: Canada

Age: 23

Gender(s): female

Height: 5’1

weight: 145

eye color: brown

skin color: white

Heritage: French, Swedish and Ukrainian

Relationship status: taken

Are you physically healthy? Yes and no

Are you mentally healthy? Nope

Job?: none atm

school: Rdc

Favs:

Animal: wolf

Flower: don’t have one

Movie: the lion king

TV show: this is us

Music: classic rock

Band: queen

Video Game: animal crossing

Gaming Console: ps4 or switch

Name: don’t have one

Person: jennifer

Love life:

1: Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Yeah

2: Do you love them? Of course

3: Are you still in love with an ex?no

4: How many people have you dated? Like 4

5: Do you think you’ll get married? I’m not sure

6: Have you ever been emotionally/physically abused in a relationship? -

7: Have you ever hurt your partner by accident without knowing it? Yeah I always apologize after

8: Whats important to you in a relationship? Communication and loyality

9: Do you have to see them everyday? ( or hear from them) before we lived together , yes but since we live together now he doesn’t need to text me every day cus we see each other daily but if he’s gone away then yeah lol

10: Do you think you can love someone within 2 weeks? I mean maybe but also no..

Friendship and Family:

1: How many friends do you have? Like 5

2: What type of friend are you? I’m not sure. The one who makes jokes

3: Have you ever been friends with someone for longer than 7 years? Yeah I think the longest js 13 years

4: Do you have one best friend, more or none? I have 2

5: Have you ever had a friend just stop being your friend and you never knew why? Yeah

6: Do you get along with family? Yes

7: Do you have a family member you hate? A few lol

8: Does your family accept who you are? Yeah

9: Are you an only child or have siblings? Sister

10: Do you have parents that still live together? My dad died so

School:

1:What grade are you in? Not in school

2: Are you in Middle, High, or college? ( or neither)? College technically

3: Whats your favorite class? Art

4: Do you have a fav school year? Prob grade 12 was the best lol

5: Are you a good student? I was

6: Do you think homework is good or bad? I think it’s stupid. I think kids should only do homework if they don’t finish in class. But it’s not fair to them.

7: Have you ever had a teacher who was really funny but had poor teaching skills? Yeah

8: Is your GPA high or low? Middle

9: Do you like to particpate in conversations in the class room or are you the listener? I rather listen

10: Do you take part in extra school events? (eg. Plays, sports, leadership,clubs) nah

Health

1: Do you need to lose or gain weight? Lose

2: Have you ever had the swine flu? (H1n1) yeah lmaoo

3: Do you like to go to the doctors? No I get anxious

4: Have you ever puked in school or at work? Nope I don’t think so

5: Have you ever been extremely sick where you couldnt even leave your bed? Yeah a few times I think I had covid lol

6: Do you hate puking or does it make you feel better? I hate it but it always makes me feel better after

7: Have you ever coughed up blood? No

8: Should you be eating healthier ? Yeah

9: Do you lie to your doctor? No

10: Have you ever taken too much advils? Yup

Mental Health:

1: Do you have a mental illness? I have A few

2: Do you take anti-depressants yes

3: Are you mentally stable? No lmao

4: Have you ever been misdiagnosed? No

5: Do you think you have an disorder but havent been properly diagnosed yet? Maybe

6: Is self diagnosing good or bad? Bad but I get why ppl do it bc they don’t have access

7: Should we give more money to mental health research? Yes!!

8: Do you think everyone has a chance to over come their mental disorders? Some maybe like anxiety possibly but most are jsut cus your brain is fucked

9: Would you ever not date someone if they had a severe disorder? ( Schizophrenia,BPD, mood disorders) Nope. Only wouldn’t date someone who had a mental health condition if it affected me very negatively

10: Does mental illness run in your family? Yeah

SEX

1: Virgin? No

2: what age did you lose it? 19

3: Did you take sex ed? Yeah from 4-12 grade

4: Does size matter? Sometimes....

5: Whats your favorite poistions? I like doggy or cowgirl

6: Does virginity exist? I mean I guess

7: Do you think sex is overated? Ehh no i

8: Is making love and fucking different? Yeah one is romantic other can be just for pleasure and to cum

9: Is it important for both genders to understand eachothers bodies? Yes

10: If someone was a virgin and was raped, did they lose their virginity? I mean technically yeah but I also think no I think virginity should be a consent thing

Check the box:

1.My hair color is: [x] Brown [] Black [] Blonde []Red [] Funky colors [] Auburn [] more than one color

2.Eye color: []Blue []Grey [x]Brown []Light brown []dark brown []green []amber [] I have two different colors of eyes

3.I am a : []Male [x] Female []Trans Male [] Trans Female []Gender Fluid [] I dont have a gender []Non Binary [] other

4: I am: []Fit [x] Average []Skinny []Fat

5: I love my : []Hair [x]Eyes []Smile []Teeth []Skin []everything about myself []None of these

6: I hate my: [x]Hair []eyes []smile [x]teeth []skin [] everything about myself [] I dont hate anything about myself

7: My feet are: [x]Small []Wide []Narrow []long []large []Ugly [x]Pretty

8: I have a hard time: [x]Finding something to wear []Making Friends [] making food []staying focused

9: I am: []Employed [x]Not employed []retired []I can’t work []Self employed [x]Looking for a job

10: I love: [x]the moon [c]the sun [x]the stars [x]our galaxy [x]planets

Bold what is true:

I am Funny

I am a girl

I have no hair

I have curly hair

^ I hate it

I have straight hair

I have a dog

I have a cat

I have both

I love to get drunk

I don’t drink

I love to smoke weed but i hate smoking cigarettes

I love both

I rather have one best friend than 20 friends who i am not close with

My dad died

My mom died

My parents are both dead

My parents are alive

I like to touch my bruises

I have funny teeth

I love Mcdonalds fries

Sometimes when Im alone I sing as loud as I can

even if i cant sing

I believe in God

I believe in the butterfly affect

I hate video games

I wish I was taller

I can’t understand math

I am very good at writing an essay

I never had sex before

I love Mac N Cheese

I love Disney Movies

I prefer Dreamswork over Walt Disney

I am going to College

I finished college

I wish I went to college

I hate my job

I am the boss at my job

I have a feelings for a friend but i cant tell them because it would ruin our friendship

^ I have feelings and i told them

I wish soda was healthy

I sleep with the window opened

This survey was too long

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

74% of women across the world and 32% of men have had their reproductive materials stolen.

Usually at birth for men and at puberty for girls.

So many people in DNA4U are receiving messages saying "you're adopted!"

I just saw one instance occur between a 30 year old and his 50 year old dad.

So its pretty cool to be loved enough to be adopted. I always wished I was adopted... Mostly when i was younger. Wished i had different parents. Turns out that i did.

I had my real parents whom were murdered.

So I always wished that i had parents that truly loved me.

So. What I always wished was that my parents were still alive. But in my mind i wished that people that cared about me more had adopted me.

I was angry as a child. Scared, hurt often.

So.

For DNA4U a 30 year old doesn't need a dad. He's lived his whole life Without one, doesn't need some biological parents that threw him out, didn't want him.

I know his dad, he would never had donatatef his sperm. He has always known how valuable sperm is. And he never thought he would want to meet his child in this manner.

That's what he thought, but it turns out... He's really excited and happy.

The 30 year old has 6 adopted children.

So that is why i am writing today. Because he didn't understand what it was exactly.

One was famous and knew me since 6 months after my parents were murdered. So I was just barely two. So he's known me nearly my whole life.

The other is one from Compton, living in a "group home" underground with other inky babies and some run aways. And some kidnapped children. We think the kidnapped kids were to hide and blend in the babies made of stolen genetic materials, in a lab and placed into surrogate wombs and incubation chambers which mimicked wombs.

And it did work, to be honest.

We didn't expect that and things went wrong.

I gave away my very own children and children of my friends and even family members. Because they claimed to have no parents or were confused, not having actual parents but nannies. And they were so young, we gave them for adoption. To hope they had better lives. And would grow and be kind and wise and happy.

Do i regret that? I took care of them the best i could. I know they were happy and wise and strong both mentally and physically. I love them, even those that actually did have families and were kidnapped and not my own. I do have a different bond with my own kids. But i love them all, i truly do, and im so proud of them.

I'm angry. I'm angry because the truth could been told. I'm bitter because it wasn't. And I'm revengeful.

I don't have the regrets a mother should, mostly because my children as infants were sold by Denise or killed by Jesse and his "friends" because i know that they're alive and well likely because i didn't have them. So I don't have regrets.

I have deep seated hate and resentment for those that make me feel that ny children not being with me was the best thing for them.

So.

I used to think "being adopted has to be the happiest thing, id rather be anywhere but here"

Anger. Confusion. Sadness. Guilt. Its alot to manage and understand

So for people whose genetic material was stolen -- you receive or will receive messages that you're adopted. Both for the parent and the child, no matter the age

Because i feel that being adopted is so much happier than the truth -- you had children created without your permission.

We have lives of the past, no matter how good or bad. And so its difficult to say "you're my dad" because dads are supposed to know everything about their kids.

Its difficult to say, "you're my baby" when its an adult, or "you're my kid" when its a perfect stranger you know nothing about.

So you "adopt" each other. Simply. You accept that they're you're kid. Or your parent. No matter what. You are willing to love each other, help each other and be kind to one another.

You're willing to let go of the fear, the anger, the ambush and let yourself have a relationship with someone whom you're biologically connected.

I have grandkids. Two have spent 7 years in cages. Literal animal cages since birth. They sweet and so smart and so kind, so fucking smart, you'd never know. We talk about their comfort and safety so its the only way we can tell. Because they have issues like needing to use old lady walkers/wheelchairs because their legs are so extremely weak from literally never needing to be used. But mentally, they're amazing and so strong behind belief.

They'll be okay. They walk and need aspercream and menthol and camphor rubbed in their legs, back and shoulders, daily sometimes multiple times per day. And we just say its sore for now but you'll build strength and in a few months it won't hurt anymore. And we have this list of medical supplies to help.

They're sleeping in the kitchen on air mattresses. So they know they can eat, any time and anything they want. Theyhavebedrooms with mini refrigerators and cabinets stocked with food, which unfortunately are upstairs. So we said put them in the kitchen. They'll be fine and it will be better for them mentally to know they have full access and control of their access and ability and they don't have to strain their little bodies.

That's love. That's what an adopted kid wants and needs. And that's acceptance that they're a little different than what is perceived as normal. They got a bit of special needs.

We have to be aware and extend that.

So sometimes for adoption it isn't perfect. Its not total 100% ready to be committed to being trusting or being okay with words that are normally said by each other. Or even actions.

We didn't realize going up and down would be so painful for them on the stairs. Neither did they, we had to stop and think about it, late late night on Day 2.

So we're not perfect, sometimes were dumbasses. But they didn't complain. So we had to stop and think you know. We can do better. They were just happy to be out and free and feeling okay.

But that intuition ... I can do better. We can do better. They need more than this. They need a little extra.

Its no ones fault really, we just observed what we had. When the pain struck then we realized going up and down ain't necessary. And we can make them mentally stable quickly. And they can go to their rooms but having that extra help is realky beneficial.

They were walking to the kitchen 5 times a day. And it was far. 30 feet one way. Plus the stairs and another 50 feet to their rooms

But it was too taxing just the 5 times from the living room/TV to the kitchen.

So if they weren't able to eat freeky before, put them in the kitchen, there's room and its better for them to know its their kitchen and they can eat when and what they please.

Of course they dont know what it all is.. Do they cook it or ? But they can ask.

And they never seen TV before so we hear "look at all the colors!"

Things we take for granted, ordinary boring things. Its new. And they appreciate it, and they're happy.

But that extra, helping thier little bodies to gain muscle and ability to walk stable and without exhaustion. That really provides an extra mile.

They can't walk that mile today. But one day they will, ubaided and without fear.

In time. Their own time.

So being notified you're adopted is us going that extra mile to help your emotions to be happier and more stable.

Yes. Your real parents want you.

Yes, your kid wants you as a parent although they have had a whole life and are 3 years old or 30 years old.

It skips alot of unknown... Do they wanna know me? Yes you're adopted, of course they do.

Do they wanna see me? Do they want to hug me? Yes, of course they do. You're adopted.

So i help this helps you all understand the term adopted in dna4u better and helps you understand even if you don't go that extra mile, because you don't think about it -- they're still okay and they're still happier than they were before. Just because you're there.

If you're the kid. I promise. Us parents are way happier, too. Although were super worried. But great communication is key to a long and successful relationship built on love.

So many of us didn't know, and never would had guessed and we have anger, but its the thieves to be the recipient of that hate, and sometimes its best yo let go of it and just love one another -- the people that deserve the love.

Good luck and god speed.

*only 3% total of original humans have had their genetic material stolen. In the 1960s they did 20 per couple. In 1977 they went down to 5 then in the 1986 up to ten per couple. So if you were born in 1961 to 1976 you may have up to 20 kids out there. From 1977 to current it may be 10.

I have 71. From adult to 12 years of age. The oldest is 60. From 1947. She quit having birthdays at age 60. Reincarnation.

So possibly you may have some from other lives. So you may have more but they are limited. It was stopped commercially in 1971. Then babies were sold illegally since until 2012 for mostly only white women. They became too fearful as i had ordered all my own eggs destroyed in 2009, although they weren't using them. But they still did men as it was easier to drug and jack them off into a cup

...and East Ethiopia and West Nigeria, South Central America, Johannesburg located in East Africa and several parts of Southern America and many parts of East Africa it was allowed by the governments to still steal eggs and genetic material from both men and women without their knowledge.

So Michael Jackson has over 3,000 that he created with his own knowledge to use for working for free labor in factories in southern Florida. With eggs donated to his fertility clinic. They were used illegally.

I have three with his body guard, decoy that was used in the early 90s and is photographed with Lisa Marie. And 2 have met me and they're doing well as far as I can see. One did not want anything to do with me at that time, the other did. Unfortunately my home was too unsafe for her. I have not seen them in awhile but they're all beautiful. One is missing. She was put into human trafficking and now has her own home and isn't doing as fine as she should be. So I have 2 girls and one boy who is actually in the middle.

Then I have two other famous children on tv which I did know about previously. The parents thought they were infertile and so Jesse said he knew a good fertility specialist and implanted twins of my eggs, mixed with his sperm. They're beautiful and sweet. Their parents are lovely people for the most part. High maintenance but they're alright. They really do care deeply about the kids as well as themselves. And they educate the kids and they're all kind and loving and sweet.

I have 71. And i know they all must be absolutely amazing and i hope to meet them all soon. They don't have to accept me. But if they do its good, if not, that's also good. As long as they love themselves and their own families then it's good. But i certainly hope they all love themselves.

I dont care if their famous or rich or quiet librarians or party or like to sit home with their cats, no matter what they do - as long as they love each other and themselves. That they have love and know what happiness is and can feel some form of it often.

I make my choices and sometimes people make choices for me. To understand the difference is what is important in the ability to accept reality. In order to understand why they're treated differently than another child that i have had contact with.

I'm sorry our lives are the way they are. I'm doing the best i can and i know the best isn't always good enough nor will it ever be. But that i know i must accept and continue to be myself and do all i can do.

And that is what I hope my children do as well.

Even if it doesn't feel good enough... At least it is good.

[abandonedcatt]

Serious talk

Okay so you may be wondering where the fuck is my shitty watika uwu content and we would need to back up to a few months ago. Around the second or third month I joined as an (now ex) watika fan page that I began dating an individual. The relationship was okay but I could never really feel the same and I think it was due to past issues I’ve had with others and especially with Chester Bennington’s death. It was then that I knew i wasn’t stable enough for a relationship. I tried to let them down easily and I know breaking up is not easy but they literally emotionally abused me and REALLY tried to force me to stay. I of course didn’t gave in but it really did mentally disturbed me. The brought up the act of harming themselves or even a “watika uwu suicide timeline” to scare me or scar me I guess and it triggered abused I suffered from a long time ago. Despite all of this, i just saw them troubled and struggling so I remained friends with them. After that, around December 10th ish or so I met someone who use to be associated with Matika, this person is just hands down the best and very kind hearted. We would talk everyday when I was on vacation with family outside the country. New year roled in and everything, I’d still have contact with this person and my ex because I loved them alot as friends/family. It wasn’t till my ex and I slowly started losing contact and it hurted but understood they have a life of their own, never wished them bad. I would still talk to (lets call this individual sibling) and we’d be there for each other, even if it meant we were lightyears away. Around January or February, I got word of something that personally irks me that Matika did (please don’t ask, i dont have consent to share the details) and I really tried to have patience with him but he month after month would really just try to find a way to do worse to this situation. I slowly started to unstan him and remove the “he’s just a sweet misunderstood guy” defense I had for him. Yesterday, I read that my ex posted a week ago on their Instagram

I broke their heart

Called me the wrong pronouns on purpose (seems phobic of them)

Called me problematic

Okay ex since you want to throw shade at me without even so contacting me to fix anything here’s my callout.

If I recall, I didn’t search up all over the internet for Matika’s middle name and found his full name and zipcode. Even when i said I was curious i gave up by the second fan page cause I started to feel uncomfortable and didn’t want to start shit.

Remember I said I’m ace? You clearly don’t after those MULTIPLE conversations and even those indecent things on our skype call. Surprise, those “watika” fantasies are meant to stay fantasies and I don’t mind you having any you time but again its a YOU time for a reason.

You emotionally abused me for anything. I couldn’t talk to you about my friends without you getting pissed and saying on instagram “SHE needs to shut the fuck up” like? First of al those are the wrong pronouns you phobic shit. Second, I was trying to tell you about my day. Hell! That one snowing day here, I had a snowball fight with my friends and I’d tell you about it to which you post..

I even asked you if I should just stop telling you.

In essence, instead of calling ME problematic just take a long look in the mirror and thing of everything. I don’t wish you harm but honestly stop it. Leave me alone and just please reach out to get help from a professional. As for the whole Matika thing, he needs serious help too.

[lullabysongs]

3/19/17 I've been slowly trying to take better care of myself, especially my very fragile mental health that ive struggled with extremely in the last several years. Last year was really bad. It was the worst i had ever been. I was in a constant state of being manic, depressed, or (for what seemed like majority of the year) in a horrible mixed state of both. I stopped caring about myself, and i stopped caring about the people around me. I strained some very important relationships with people i hold dear. It was so bad last year, I tried to kill myself, twice. I was hospitalized, twice. Even when i knew i needed help and i knew needed change, i just felt so worthless and beaten i wouldnt even bother trying. I am extremely blessed with such a strong support group. I lost my car, i lost my job, i was partying too hard every weekend and blowing my money on drugs and alcohol. And the people that love me never gave up or faltered. I was never, ever, put down by any them for anything. Instead, i was taken cared of. I was given rides to and from appointments so i wouldnt be discouraged to go. I was given a safe place to sleep at night when i didnt feel safe by myself. I was given company so i wouldnt feel alone, and an ear to call when things got out of control. On more than just a few occasions, i was given their last penny so i could get any essentials that i needed. I was constantly reminded to do simple tasks to take care of myself, like shower and eat and sleep, because i would forget. I was given soft encouragement to do better, at a pace that i could handle, that never came with a demand to BE better. I was constantly reminded that i was loved no matter what. Somewhere along the course of (very late) last year, i was miraculously given my courage back. I found the courage to try again. I suddenly felt hopeful. I felt the need to give back to everyone who has been so patient and has given so much to me. And the only way i can do that, is to get better and be the best that i can be. I found the courage to be better, for myself, because i owe it to myself to try. Right before 2017, i made a promise to myself that i would try. I told myself to stop focusing on being "cured" and being "happy". I did not need to be better. I just had to do better. I promised myself i would take very small steps that would make me feel proud and accomplished. I told myself not to focus on the things going wrong, because there will ALWAYS be things in life to be dissatisfied about. I promised myself that, even if it didnt seem like it right away or when i still felt defeated, i would attempt to look at every single step as a victory. I am very proud to say that, so far, i have held to these promises and i am doing very well. I havent missed a single doctors appointment, (even though they seem repetative because i have them multiple times a week, and a lot of times they get in the way of work.) I have been extremely dillagent about taking my meds (every single one, every single day), even when it makes me feel really sick and not like myself. I have been on top of making sure my meds are always refilled, instead of letting them run out and waiting until my next appointment to get them refilled. I motivate myself to be my best at work and to do all that i can, every day; even if i dislike my job for various reasons, or when i dont feel my best, my customers still deserve the best. I am slowly beginning to look for a better job that will make me feel more fulfilled, and convincing myself not to stay at a job i dont like just because its 'easy' and secure. I am working on rebuilding my relationship with my family, trying to find a balance between helping them with everything that i can, and allowing myself to realize i can not do everything; i can not control what happens in their lives, and i should not feel guilty for not being able to fix everything for them. I remember to remind myself that just because something unfortunate happens that i cant fix, that does not make me a bad daughter/sister/friend/person, and not being able to fix their troubles does not mean i am worthless. More recently (in the last month), i began to reorganize my finances and began taking charge of my bills. Starting at the beginning of next month, i will have all of my bills caught up, and i have organized my direct deposits in a way so that i will (hopefully) not have to stress over whether or not they'll get paid on time for the months going forward. About two and a half weeks ago, i told myself to be a little more aware of where my money was going, and i saw that a lot of my money was going toward fast food and snacks after work, daily energy drinks, and cigs. Since then i bought a french press and a vape. I wake up an hour earlier than i used to, and i make coffee for my bf and i. I eat a good breakfast in the morning so im not so hungry during and after work, and ive stuck to eating most of my meals at home. I started bringing a water bottle to work now so im not so tempted to spend money on other drinks through out the day. I have just completed my first whole week without a single cigarette (saving up to $30 this week on that expense alone)! I am so extremely proud of myself for every one of these accomplishments. I am proud of myself for setting small goals and sticking to them. As for my next small step: I just started to write shopping lists for myself; things i need immediately (to buy during the week), things i will need soon (within the next couple of weeks), and another list of things that i want, that would make me feel better or make my life easier, but can wait until after all the more immediate stuff is taken cared of. I am a BIG spontaneous spender, especially when emotional, and i want to work on that because constantly running out of money for the important things sucks. I also began writing out all of my long term goals, and am working on creating small steps toward each thing, so i dont lose focus. Over the last few weekends, i have been making sure i complete a set of chores every sunday (mostly just laundry and tidying to the room up) so that i start off the following week feeling productive and renewed. Today is the 3rd consecutive sunday, and i hope to continue this until it becomes a set habit. I have a small goal of stretching for 5 minutes everyday, in hopes that it makes me feel less sluggish and stiff. My original goal was to incorperate this into my morning routine, but i would often miss it, and i would feel guilty for it. So i changed the goal for now, and i am encouraging myself to do this everyday, whenever i have to time. We are only slightly past the halfway point of march. I know this doesnt seem like a long time for most people, but for me, it seems like a miracle. This is the longest and most stable ive felt in years. This is the longest ive felt hopeful, motivated, and confident in myself. A year ago, i thought id be dead by now. And for the first time since the 7th grade, i dont find myself wishing for it. I dont find that ideation in the back of my brain. And I finally feel that im going to be okay.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey,

i feel mixed things. i went to the good friday service and a part of me is happy that it wasnt awkward and i wasnt the only one that decided to go but another part of me is sad that i didnt get to spend that one-on-one time with jason. but i am glad that eunice and angela were there too. during the service, i took notes diligently and after the practical time, i did my best to distance myself from everyone else so as to not feel judged or pressured. and it did go well for a while and i was good at not speaking until we got into the small chapel and started writing our new commitments. my heart did break when i saw the whip and crown of thorns and touched it and i cant even imagine the physical, mental, and emotional torment that Jesus went through leading up to His death. And I kind of wish I had spent more time there instead of moving faster so that other people wouldn’t have to wait. But after writing my commitments, I decided to pray on my knees and I was aware when people started leaving and I knew that the room was either totally or nearly empty by the time that I was done but I just felt like I really needed that time to be with God and confess what was on my heart. I know that I’ve been struggling with what it means to rest in Christ and that’s something that I’ve never been very good at and really trying to understand my value in God’s eyes. I think I am still struggling with my identity in God but I did carry out my commitment. I am a lot more proud and bold in my faith. I’ve been able to more openly talk about my faith in my dorm, on the first floor, at work, at the train station, anywhere. And I am really proud of myself and how far I’ve grown since last year. And initially, I wasn’t really in the mood to have fun and games and laugh and fellowship but i pushed myself to learn to receive and relax so i laughed alongside them. and i did actually have a good time. i got a lot closer with chelsea and angela, jason, chelsea, and i decided to eat kbbq together afterwards and it was really fun! joyce and jiham later joined us and we all talked in between conversations. and i accidentally slipped and said, “i dont drink anymore” when jason jokingly offered me some and everyone immediately exclaimed, “WHAT?” to me in disbelief. And to my surprise, Jason asked if I had a problem with it before but stopped and I confirmed his suspicions. But looking back on it, I’m kinda surprised he got that from what I said? It could just be that I drank a bit but decided not to anymore? But anyway, I was half expecting them to press further into it but they didn’t and I’m partly sad that I couldn’t share and relieved that I didn’t have to share. I think I could have but it did make me feel kind of bad when they reacted so strongly. But throughout the day, honestly, I was forcing myself to put on a smile and pretend that I was okay. And it didn’t seem like the mood or the moment to share my struggles and I really do thin I define myself by how much I serve and give bc it is such a huge part of my identity. And I think my intentions are usually pure but there is always a part me that needs to give in order to feel like I’m worth something. And that’s definitely something that I need to seriously pray about. I think a lot of the times, I wait until I’m at church to pray instead of just doing it when I need to and because of that, it feels fake sometimes at church. It feels like I don’t really mean what I’m saying. And I definitely do think I need to spend more time with God to get over it. I do want an honest and pure relationship with Him and I know a lot of the times, my feeling like I need to be a leader gets in the way of that. And I pretended like I was fine and kept saying that I was okay but I also couldn’t stop thinking about how I literally didn’t want to live anymore on Saturday. That was less than a week ago and I just felt like I was in so much pain and suffering and misery that I couldn’t take it anymore and I just wanted to die and kill myself so that I could be happy and with God and just be in pure joy and bliss. But I’m afraid if I say anything, P. Josh will think I’m not yet ready to serve and take MAST away from me and I would honestly be so upset because of that. It would feel like EIC and yearbook all over again. But, not becoming EIC gave me the opportunity to build a much more intimate relationship with God and come back to Him and maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t be serving in MAST bc it’ll just stand in the way of me being able to rest and receive and learn who God is through that. 

Oh, I also saw Chaeweon earlier and we sat together and it was gr9. BUT, she left early and I didn’t have time to say bye! :( But we are still going to hangout tomorrow so I’m excited for that! 

And my suspicions were confirmed, Jason and Angela are going out! And I want to ask more about it but I think I am a little more understanding of their relationship now. On the one hand, I’m a bit upset just bc I don’t want it to be like my freshman year where everyone in leadership was dating each other and that just made a lot of people feel left out and uncomfortable. But I am happy for them and I hope they grow strong in their faith together. I think they both have their own issues and I think Angela could easily take advantage of Jason on accident just bc she’s so strong and he’s so kind. But they’re both my friends and I do really hope things work out.

My day today—

it was pretty good. honestly. i started my day by getting my dishes done and out of the way, chatted with Emily for a bit in the morning, and headed to school. I revised the pamphlet for A^2 with the updated fonts and printed my leaflet for graphic design. There, I ran into Andrew Shike and helped him out with cutting and checked items out for the both of us. And then I hurriedly tried to take pictures on the 10th floor but it was a STRUGGLE. And my pictures came out okay but I didn’t have enough time to take better pictures and upload them before work and the media lab closed when I got off my shift, soooo. I just decided to take my time to get good pictures for class and my portfolio tomorrow. i think i’ll try to do it after hanging out with chaeweon for lunch! hopefully we dont take too long. well, idk. i would love to chat for hours with her and it not be awkward but i also do have some work to do. i guess she can accompany me and then we can just spend the day together from there? but, we’ll just have to see how things turn out tomorrow.

and honestly, im in a constant state of being on the verge of tears. true joy is something that i have not felt in a while and i can feel myself getting numb and afraid and anxiety-ridden and im just upset bc i worked so hard to get away from that but i feel like im just reverting back into my old habits.

i drank at the beginning of the school year bc i wasn’t in a mentally good stable. im still not in a mentally good place, lol. but i am better. kind of. i just felt very alone and like i couldnt trust anyone last semester and i was the most concerned with my grandma’s health at the time bc it didnt look like she would be making it by the time i returned for winter break. and i sought refuge and mulan and dana. and bc they were there for me, i was desperate to be accepted and so, i started casually drinking with them. marlena too. she respected my choice to not drink before but the temptation was there and i went for it. and granted, i didnt drink a ton but i was definitely on my way to becoming an alcoholic. i drank nearly daily for two weeks and since then, there have been moments when i was tempted to just drink to avoid my problems and ease the pain. and thank goodness im not 21 yet or else i would’ve bought so many bottles already. it’s bc i dont have easy access that im still sober and not an alcoholic but looking at everything that im going through, sometimes i just want to give up and solve my problems by not thinking at all. 

i dont know if i feel alone bc i know that i have people around me that care about me. but i do feel like theres this wall thats dividing us and keeping me from really being raw and vulnerable and just facing my fears and anxieties and worries head on. and im wondering if the only way to get over this is to confess it to God. And while I think that will help in part, I do think I also just need to be okay with trusting others with my life and weaknesses and vulnerabilities and thriving in where I fail. Because none of us are perfect. I feel like before, people were jealous of me bc of how perfect I seemed. But now that I’ve let people see my weaknesses, I feel like they judge me and deem me unfit to lead and serve. But if this is how I can better develop my relationship with God, then why not do it, yknow? Idk. I’m just. conflicted. struggling. theres a lot on my plate and i just want to throw myself at my work so that i dont have to think about it.

[ashleymariieee]

stages

i haven’t posted this anywhere and theres no where i feel exactly comfortable doing it other than tumblr so here you go tumblr world! enjoy

maybe it was something about the way my mind didn’t wander to unhappy places, or maybe it was because i felt uncontrollably stable. i had control over my breathing and i always knew exactly what to say, never knew exactly what the response would be. it had me itching for the future, i wanted more of it and i didn’t even know what it was yet. my stomach didn’t ache for something that wasn’t there anymore, it ached for the feeling that would be there when everything would be gone. maybe i was disoriented enough to convince myself that things would be clear for forever, that i’d hardly see another cloudy day again. or maybe it was the magic in the air every time i was within the same breathing area, maybe it was the way the word baby sounded in my ears, or the way fingertips felt on my thighs, hands on my back. maybe, just maybe it was how i had been made to feel invincible and now i felt vulnerable and subject to any type of wreckage it’d turn out to be. maybe it was because for the first time in my life i felt like the loneliness had disappeared and it’d never come back. the way my hand fit perfectly with the fingers of another, or the way hot breath felt down my neck as his breathing evened out and we fell asleep. i always waited a little longer because i kept anticipating waking up to that familiar face. the way my car felt complete when my passenger side wasn’t vacant, and we’d sing to each other while driving down old back roads and telling stories. maybe it was the way my sister laughed the first time she met you and you laughed along with her. maybe what really sets me over is remembering that day we laid in my bed and the sun was shining on us and you kissed my face as if you’d never get enough, but the truth is i never got enough. i didn’t get enough of everything i imagined we would be, not nearly enough of the dreams that had disappeared from my grasp. i didn’t get enough walks through the park, i didn’t hug tight enough, i didn’t appreciate the arms around me while watching water flow down the river banks as we sat and talked abouht the earth and each others lips. i didn’t pay enough attention to what i should have, and i almost could put the blame on myself for letting you go. i gave up so easily, i saw defeat and ran towards it because i was already scared of what had been building up inside of my soul, so it seemed easier to me to let it go and live through this pain than to let myself think anything i felt on such a magnitude could ever be reciprocated back to me. i didn’t extend the help i had growing inside of me as i needed to, and i never showed my capacity to feel in the correct ways. you running was an excuse for me to grab ahold of and take off into the darkness with, so that i could convince myself into believing it really wasn’t my fault you were heading in the opposite direction. but lets face it, looking at the facts, i might’ve ran as well. If someone asked me why i am still so brainwashed over one human being, i would not have a groundbreaking answer. i dont want to still be stuck in this broken record of feeling like a coward every time i see you because a double train head on collision takes place. where my throat closes and my eyes shoot to the floor and my feet immediately move in the opposite direction and my mind goes into a million different places and recreates a hundred different situations then reimagines thousands of different scenarios and some of them being where you might have stayed and you would have loved me and i would have never felt this abandonment and loss at a ripe 19th year in my life. i’m too young to not believe that theres someone else out there for me, that there is someone who will treat me so much better than you ever did and wont place their own ego above having feelings for someone. where someone could form the realization within themselves that having someone love you might help you love yourself just as much. i think the answer i’d give would be that, maybe it hurts so bad because he made me feel something that i didn’t know i could feel in so many different ways. he made me feel wanted, and beautiful. i didn’t know that i could miss something i barely held with both of my hands, that i had barely experienced with my entire soul. maybe it hurt so much because i didn’t realize what i had grasped so tightly and let go of so easily. maybe what rammed into me head first was the realization that everything i thought i’d ever felt for anyone else could never match up to the magnitude of what i’d felt for you. the effort to try and be strong when I am bent, from love not meaning what i thought it’d meant, and leaving me to question everything i’d thought it was to begin with. i have to pretend like there isn’t this gaping black hole in the center of my chest where my heart used to be, because you told me i was a sweet girl and you never meant to hurt me and how you should have known. It was me, who should have known. because every second you reminded me of my own hearts location, made me feel its presence with every single inhale and exhale of my breath. i have to continue on like it doesn’t still hurt and act like i’m not bitter because i know you don’t care, and somewhere down the line you were searching and searching for a justified reason to hate me so that you could ease the blame on your shoulders for the very reason id love to go to sleep and not wake up. the day you found a good reason to never want to speak to me again was the day my mental would never be at balance again, how could you leave, but then decide to hate me for something that was out of my own hands and never let me get the reassurance that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. how could you turn the tables so drastically around and point the gun at my temple. your finger rested on that trigger but it faced towards yourself, the bullet you blasted through my heart went in one side and has been bouncing around hitting every thing in its path. i have been slowing bleeding out ever since. remember? you said you never meant to hurt me? but my blood is a puddle on the floor and the gun is in your hands.

i never asked for you to be the most beautiful creature i ever had the chance to feel with my own finger tips. i never asked you to leave. i would have never let myself feel something so big for someone so small, had i known. its almost as if it isn’t real when i look at you i don’t remember when you caressed my cheek with your thumb i don’t remember when you wrapped your arms around me so tightly that i thought id explode i don’t remember when you kissed my nose or told me it would be alright. i can’t even remember when you made nasty sandwiches and made me kiss you after. i won’t let myself remember when your finger tips dug into the skin around my neck as your poured your lips into my mouth. and i definitely won’t let myself remember how you whispered my name and held me in a sunken dip in your bed. no matter how tightly i slam them shut and try to focus on the darkness behind my eye lids, i can’t let myself forget how happy i was. and i also can’t let myself forget how happy i was before you as well, my world wasn’t a huge mess. i was just fine, i didn’t need someone to justify my presence and i surely didn’t need someone to hold my hand while i drove. when i look at you now wonder, pain, and fear you are the biggest mystery life has ever laid in front of me, and i think that goes to show something for you. i never got to completely figure you out, so it feels as if i climbed half of a mountain and a godly force came in and blew me to the ground. I’m sure for a very long time i will continue to imagine what could have grown from what you planted in the dirt, such a small seed torn from life because a direct water source was cut off. wonderment is a devil in its own entity, something that can tear your apart when explored too deeply, this i know from experience.

i haven’t gotten upset over you lately. i think i have finally let myself come to terms with the fact that what is done is done. it is what it is. you used to tell me that you hated when i said that, because you knew its what i said when i didn’t care. i have detached my feelings from my brain at this point. i don’t let myself think about how i felt or remember how blinding it was. now when i walk past you under forced circumstances i feel nothing. my blood turns to stone and my body moves on instinct, to further myself from you. i still wish i would have reached out to save you before i pulled away, letting you shatter onto the ground and consciously watch your shards shoot into my skin, wedging themselves into my blood stream. i think about other boys again. i have let myself try to move on recently, but i realize now more than ever after you, nothing is what it seems to be. i know that every step i take has to be measured and trust is earned, not handed.