#then why r u attacking ppl period

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[onnoffwrites]

I have been losing my shit over this damn panel for the past THREE DAYS (more or less) and I need to yell somewhere so it's gonna go here.

It all began when I was writing my fic (I think this was for My Immortal), and I needed to recap significant hakukai moments. And I remembered "hey, I should include this one thing saguru said during sunset manor that was stupidly super gay for no fucking reason" bc like, yea hakukai not canon, but if canon was gonna give me a whole ass confession then I might as well use it. So, like always, I head to mangadex to look for this panel... Except... It's not there... The line... The line's not there... But I remember... I remember something about "the only one to disrupt/disturb my thinking/mind"... Where... I didn't imagine that right? I mean I read a lot of google translated Chinese fanfics but... I REMEMBERED reading that line... In a manga... In English... ON mangadex...

This is where I should mentioned, that if you weren't around for the Great Collapse of Mangadex. Then... Well, so there was this period of time where mangadex just DIDNT EXIST. Bc there was some cyber?? Attack??? On the site??? I can't fully remember. But it like wiped out most of the site. The mangas r just, gone. So mangadex fixed it. It took a while bc they figured "might as well revamp our site and system". And they did. And it's great. And it looks beautiful now, even more than before.

But see. The line I remembered? Yea... Yea that was from before The Collapse. And mangadex let multiple translation groups submit their translations. So u can read diff translations of diff group, see how things are interpreted differently... And... I remembered this one, that I posted here up top, but I remembered there was another. One that had The Line.

And it was driving crazy so, like usual, I asked my cn friend. But my cn friend (why am I still saying that, it's @beingvv , that's the friend) has A Life, and isn't always online, and we love that for ppl. So. I'm still crazy. I can't trust my own damn mind and memory bc why tf do I remember something that isn't there (happened before btw, but that has nothing to do with this).

Luckily, I have a friend who knows jp. UNLUCKILY, I don't have the jp raws and it's from chapter 300 and we are in the thousands. So, I went back to losing my mind. Until I found it again, and realized. Heyyyyyyy there's a whole ass ANIME. So like the baggage my dear friend had the misfortune to be saddled with, I went to find the ep, timestamped it, yelled begged them for help.

This is where I lose my damn mind the first time in the recent weeks.

(thank you my dear piglet, u don't even go here but u tolerate my insanity)

THIS. THIS WAS THE LINE. THATS WHAT I REMEMBERED.

So, I feel a little more sane (bc my mind didn't fabricate a memory again) and also A LOT more insane bc WHY WOULD U SAY THAT, HAKUBA SAGURU 😭😭😭 WHY WOULD U SAY IT LIKE THAT 😭😭😭

In any case I feel validated. Told beingvv about my discoveries (for whenever they come back) not that they need it cn fandom already got the correct translation. And finished writing my fic.

And then Saguru's comeback was announced.

So I've been losing my shit for 3 days on twitter, looking at all my fave KR and JP accounts and the things they say.

And then someone dug up and old tweet thread that talked about this panel. Specifically, op talked about the nuance in the word choice used.

Here's the og thread if anyone wants to read or Google translate it urself.

(mkppyong my love, bless you)

Bc mkppyong talked to a jp acquaintance about ??? Uh I dunno just language I guess. POINT IS. They pointed out that gosho used specific words/phrases that really wasn't needed if all he wanted to say was "the only one who drives me crazy/mad." But he did used them. It's specifically "his thoughts/mind" that's being driven crazy. And that if he wants to just talk about Saguru's mind being disrupted/confused, then there's rly no need to use the words "go crazy"

And then they wrote out a whole symbolism about clocks and saguru and being broken down/disrupted and I lost my shit over the clock symbolism, sue me 😭😭😭

I don't think I'm making sense anymore bUT WAIT, THERES MORE, THE FINAL BLOW

THE THAI TRANSLATION

This is where I expose myself more than I ever want to, but here's a fact. I'm thai

Here's a second fact. I'm SHIT at Thai. I've been bad at this language before I got good at English. My Thais as good as an elementary student. Every time I understand difficult words I get confused bc where did I know THAT from???

In any case, point is, I saw that tweet, read the text, immediately understood it and began losing my shit all over again... And then I doubted... Bc like, I'm not good with this lang anymore... Maybe im understanding it wrong? So I look up Google.

Google: คลุ้มคลั่ง just means go crazy

So I was like, damn guess I'm wrong, read too much into this. BUT SEE BC I LIVE HERE I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARENT A DISGRACE. And so my friend said:

SO WELCOME TO MY THIRD ROUND OF INSANITY.

HAKUBA SAGURU WHY WOULD U SAY THIS SHIT IN FRONT OF LIKE NINE OTHER PPL 😭😭😭😭😭 BOY WHY R U TELLING THEM UR OBSESSED 😭😭😭 youre driving ME crazy 😭😭😭

So. Here we are. At the end. I have no idea how tf I'm supposed to end this post. I'VE been obsessed for 3 days straight. I don't have a lot of braincell left in me (there weren't any to begin with). I don't have a statement to wrap this post up in a nice little bow. Go make ur own conclusion I dunno.

But I would not have been losing my shit over this stupid panel for a month if it wasn't for the fact that eng translation was missing a pretty crutial thing in what Saguru said. I don't know if this was a mistranslation or a misunderstanding or something, but the English translation was lacking. And I love and have always been thankful and grateful to the ppl who worked hard to translate mangas in their free time, and do it all for free, bc I haven't had any real way to rent/borrow mangas from renting shops/libraries in years. So this was one of the only ways I can read mangas. But, even as I checked the raw panel with Google lens just now, even google translate it as "the only one to make my thoughts go round." No where was there any mention of "case" and "solving." So that's just, multiple accounts of ppl who knows jp, including native jp speakers, all saying that this panel is Saguru saying "the only one to drive me crazy". And man I rly hope this doesn't make me come off as ungrateful or like shitting on the translation team, I'm rly not. But yea. Uh. The translation was wrong. And I remembered that there used to be a diff eng translation. And it led me to go to all this trouble and journey to find out what was actually said. And here we are, at the end.

The only one who could disrupt Saguru's thinking.

The only one who could disturb Saguru's mind.

The one whose sole existence drives him mad.

The only one to make his mind obsess over till he's driven to madness.

Or to use the symbolism mkppyong wrote: the only one to break down the clock, the precise and accurate mechanism, that is Hakuba Saguru.

[heartsoji]

being the inarizaki vb club's precious manager hcs

summary: you sign up to be the boys vb team manager bc like why not you'd prob get some good organization skills but you end up gaining some bffs, some bruises, and a whole crew of bodyguards

warnings: a liiiiiittle bit of swearing and mentions of harassment also its not proofread

you signed up to be the manager for the boy's vb team not knowing what it would be like

it was ur second year of high school and u had quit abt 7 clubs bc they just weren't that interesting

not like in a mean way like "ugh! this is too boring for my tastes smh" but just it didn't have any appeal so u smiled and resigned with no hard feelings yk

IT WASNT LIKE A SALTY QUIT U JUST COULDNT FIND ANYTHING THAT WAS FUN AND THAT U WERE PASSIONATE ABT I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH ITS NOT LIKE THAT GIRL'S HOST HOPPING THING FROM OURAN

tbh u just didn't rly know what other club to sign up for and the boys vb team needed a manager soo..

they honestly should have just put "babysitting some brats that are somehow the same age" instead of "managing the boy's volleyball team"

they are so protective of you lol

like this one time you let out a little scream bc some random teacher touched your no-no square in a very intentional way

the vb team was THERE in 2 seconds flat

kita stares at him intensely while holding back the twins by their shirt to keep them from quite literally MURDERING THAT MAN

aran calms down ginjima and akagi who literally just start hyperventilating

suna stares at him. hard.

the twins who are unable to attack him just scream

"WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. TO. OUR. MANAGER U FUCKING JACKASS" etc

the teacher got fired the next day funny coincidence huh ?

ANYWAYS

kita is actually helpful

he's canonically good at keeping ur fellow second years in check so lucky u !

hes also rly organized and tidy which is v helpful !

aran is such a sweetie

helps u out in any way that he can

also acts a pillow to some of kita's blunt blows

like "he means that he's sorry bc he realized that he seems kinda unappreciative of ur efforts sometimes" when kita says smth like "sorry for not saying nice words to you"

a translator for kita, basically

akagi shares ur puppy energy so the two of u get along rly well

ur both friendly ppl so its a v sweet and wholesome relationship

u sometimes have to stop gin from making bad decisions but ugs get along well

also ugs r both second years so ur classes r on the same floor so u see each other in school sometimes

as for the main 3 brats AKA some of your fellow second years who somehow become ur new bffs

atsumu is SUCH A FLIRT but like jokingly bc that's just how he is yk

always talking to you and annoying you like atsumu would u just like stfu pls and thanks

osamu is constantly slapping atsumu to provoke him (which is so stupid tbh but works every single time lmao)

is always eating like u turn around during class and he's just eating an onigiri behind his folder 😐

ugs like to gang up on atsumu its a great bonding activity

you and suna r sleep buddies bc u both r so sleep-deprived

well suna's just a sleepy person but u r sleep deprived so ugs will sleep side-by-side during free periods

suna always forgets his lunch so u've learned to pack extra for him

you let him sleep on ur lap and he lets u sleep in his

when the four of u take buses or trains to hang out u and suna always sit next to each other so that ugs can fall asleep on each other

if ur up for it he'll cuddle with u platonically

bc ppl r great body pillows and a good source of warmth

only if ur comfy with it tho ofc

the twins (mostly atsumu but a bit of osamu) will tease ugs abt being a couple but both of ugs just roll ur eyes and go back to sleep lmao

you ended up staying to be their manager for the rest of high school bc of how much fun it is

[how-do-i-delete-this-acc]

being the inarizaki vb club's precious manager hcs

summary: you sign up to be the boys vb team manager bc like why not you'd prob get some good organization skills but you end up gaining some bffs, some bruises, and a whole crew of bodyguards

warnings: a liiiiiittle bit of swearing and mentions of harassment also its not proofread

you signed up to be the manager for the boy's vb team not knowing what it would be like

it was ur second year of high school and u had quit abt 7 clubs bc they just weren't that interesting

not like in a mean way like "ugh! this is too boring for my tastes smh" but just it didn't have any appeal so u smiled and resigned with no hard feelings yk

IT WASNT LIKE A SALTY QUIT U JUST COULDNT FIND ANYTHING THAT WAS FUN AND THAT U WERE PASSIONATE ABT I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH ITS NOT LIKE THAT GIRL'S HOST HOPPING THING FROM OURAN

tbh u just didn't rly know what other club to sign up for and the boys vb team needed a manager soo..

they honestly should have just put "babysitting some brats that are somehow the same age" instead of "managing the boy's volleyball team"

they are so protective of you lol

like this one time you let out a little scream bc some random teacher touched your no-no square in a very intentional way

the vb team was THERE in 2 seconds flat

kita stares at him intensely while holding back the twins by their shirt to keep them from quite literally MURDERING THAT MAN

aran calms down ginjima and akagi who literally just start hyperventilating

suna stares at him. hard.

the twins who are unable to attack him just scream

"WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. TO. OUR. MANAGER U FUCKING JACKASS" etc

the teacher got fired the next day funny coincidence huh ?

ANYWAYS

kita is actually helpful

he's canonically good at keeping ur fellow second years in check so lucky u !

hes also rly organized and tidy which is v helpful !

aran is such a sweetie

helps u out in any way that he can

also acts a pillow to some of kita's blunt blows

like "he means that he's sorry bc he realized that he seems kinda unappreciative of ur efforts sometimes" when kita says smth like "sorry for not saying nice words to you"

a translator for kita, basically

akagi shares ur puppy energy so the two of u get along rly well

ur both friendly ppl so its a v sweet and wholesome relationship

u sometimes have to stop gin from making bad decisions but ugs get along well

also ugs r both second years so ur classes r on the same floor so u see each other in school sometimes

as for the main 3 brats AKA some of your fellow second years who somehow become ur new bffs

atsumu is SUCH A FLIRT but like jokingly bc that's just how he is yk

always talking to you and annoying you like atsumu would u just like stfu pls and thanks

osamu is constantly slapping atsumu to provoke him (which works every single time lmao)

is always eating like u turn around during class and he's just eating an onigiri behind his folder 😐

ugs like to gang up on atsumu its a great bonding activity

you and suna r sleep buddies bc u both r so sleep-deprived

well suna's just a sleepy person but u r sleep deprived so ugs will sleep side-by-side during free periods

suna always forgets his lunch so u've learned to pack extra for him

you let him sleep on ur lap and he lets u sleep in his

when the four of u take buses or trains to hang out u and suna always sit next to each other so that ugs can fall asleep on each other

if ur up for it he'll cuddle with u platonically

bc ppl r great body pillows and a good source of warmth

only if ur comfy with it tho ofc

the twins (mostly atsumu but a bit of osamu) will tease ugs abt being a couple but both of ugs just roll ur eyes and go back to sleep lmao

you ended up staying to be their manager for the rest of high school bc of how much fun it is

[toinfinitywinning]

How it Began? As a kid, until something bad happens all you know is innocence. Bounce back. Resilience. Words and thoughts your growing mind can’t get its synapses matured yet. And by bad, I mean it rocks you. You’re crying. You’re asking why for the first time poor thing it’s forever; you’re confused. You cannot process the magnitude of the incident and sometimes may even require Counseling to help guide you through it…NVR goes away.

And then.

I mean it’s sad, Right? Being born isn’t your introduction “hey!” realization and rationality Day, it’s your Birth Day. Period. Everyone’s glad you’re here. But you’re not going to know anything for a Long time. Everyone’s with me. Hopefully, b/c I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout no babies. And Well, most people R glad you’ve come unless you’re..ok no not that rn.

BUT

First time you are hurt and are able to process and internalize that new feeling it’s like welcome to the jungle we got fun and games! And I remember that moment for me. It wasn’t when I smacked my head and got hit with bats and sliced my fingers open trying to whittle (Dad’s fault) to make a teepee which now I’m not sure should be a thing. Also tried to make a tornado bottle like those science fair ppl had. The ones that won. B/c they actually figured out how to puncture a hole in a plastic 2 liter top without stitches and having to explain what in the Hell you were doing (Heather u said you might be here so I know you’re with the gear Shift trauma rn)

For me until now it’s never been me physically hurt or incapable that’s defeating me—defeating—adjective : defeated—also adjective but untrue. This is different and I hate it b/c of that. I was born with vampire senses at least that’s what vampire diaries says. I feel everything so intensely that often it has trickled over to affecting me physically. I suppose a Good example is a panic attack but I’ve moved onto bigger things. I’ll be one of those ppl on ppl magazine whose ღ ended hearing bad News. This could get dark so I’ll Stop at bad News.

It’s funny -I have all this time. And most of the time I don’t enjoy the time but I’ve thought a lot of that time some about when I was a kid. Just free fallin’. Before I got the anxious bug again I was fine being serendipitous and sporadic. One time I put a Friends name in my calendar even tho I knew I knew the time. That stuff. So back to the carefree kid. Like, 8+ I have to clearest memories. I want to take a sec to say how sad that is!! There is no question that I was the kid with the most bandaids. There are pictures and I Love them. Pain didn’t really bother me. Not like this. And I’ve had a lot of very serious injuries and surgeries. Why can’t I be her?

It’s all about control.

Sometimes staying in a State of any negative, sad emotion or trying time becomes comfortable so it becomes routine. Safe. This can Go downhill quickly. But I promise something from my psych minor talks about this my sister would know. Anyways you gotta get out and can’t.

I was in this State Right before I got sick but I pulled myself out of that creepy Ass Edgar Allen poem pit and swing thing b/c I didn’t like it anymore. But this is a Choice promise. And there’s not statute of limitations on how Long it takes you or if you even get to make a Choice time which is already a Mountain.

I tend to be really open and candid. I would be a horrible Celebrity. First of all they’d only have pictures of me in sweatpants. But the openness isn’t for me or really anybody unless someone does see it and be seen. I never had that. And that’s no one’s fault. We didn’t have Smart phones which ironically give us cancer and often stupidity from the crap you read due to that algorithm. A few people reached out in my DM’s and on posts to just do this I guess and throw in a Basketball time to time.

I was stuck. And I had well…a very eye opening bad experience. I don’t think I’ll ever share that publicly. But I was terrified. Something came over me when I got to my car and it wasn’t a Voice it was a direction. To home. Safety. Familiar. Routine. I knew sooner than immediately that I was done. That’s it. There’s a pattern in this pattern. You see?

So all that is taken care of and now we will work on my eating Disorder. Anorexia, restrictive ED/exercise bulimia and body dysmorphia. You get it. Add this in with Addiction. Talk about stuck. All I can think of to compare it to is that scary book w/ a wizard and a whirlpool and IDEK how it ends but that was always enough for me to be done w/ that story. So, You’re bound to have one after losing 150 lbs over two and a half years and now can see your bones and muscles. Hey you’re confident again Good for you. This will not sustain. You lost weight probably all the wrong ways anyway but it worked. And you’re still in control. Things have changed and u know what to do to keep your skeleton up. One gust of wind or fainting and head stitches again having to hurry and tell your Apple Watch not to call the rescue’s and you’re an inch closer to hospitalization. Doin’ fine.

All I had Left was my eating Disorder to work on and I’d made so much progress. I’ll expand on this but you actually have to eat when you’re sick. I won’t thank COVID-19 for that tho. Sometimes u can follow all the rules and still get *BEEP, explicative!* sooner or later it would have risen. So that infamous Day I’d just finished my hour walk and like had been doing about to eat w/ my Parents. I remember it like it wasn’t a 26 month old toddler Day away. One sniff. Mom -please get COVID tested. I remember being annoyed. B/c I have taken all the precautions. Well so do a lot of people and things still happen OUT of our control. This became the problem. Two saddest things about that next few days is I made my Dad say Shit when I came up positive then gave it to my Mom. I cannot tell you the guilt I would be carrying had this been the other Way around.

I had lived my Addiction free Life and started to heal my ED rest of my Life. For 3 weeks. I felt so light. Felt so free. Brave and proud. More authentic. B/c being stuck and not being able to fix things yourself takes a lot of deleted Pride and bad bad bad experiences apparently. Wakey wakey. Why’s it gotta be that Way? At least it’s the Gentry way. I’d rather not keep that up.

Crushed. Pre healing I couldn’t Exercise for 2-4 hours daily. Wake up at 5 am still kinda dazed and do 100 push-up’s then 10lb weights, several sets. Not one thing from a video or trainer but i can see everything chiseled so gotta be doing something right. Then walk a mile and a half or 10000 steps before you even answer a call at work. All this to have your evening free. To see your ribs and sometimes ✔ the camera Cloud to make sure that 10 pound added weight doesn’t happen. Showering at lunch break. Oh it was a machine. And ppl knew. I’m very aware. I lean toward empathy as well.

I was very very sick. Different sick. And TBH as much of Hell this is and might forever be I’d rather this. Even a broken ღ that was your stupidity and blinders anyway. Although I cannot control this it’s not an intensity of emotion in those skinny Ass bones I can’t turn off anymore. Need size zero and xs. Ghastly. I can answer a question of would you rather in this Case. My ღ literally aches. It’s all of the omnipresent and then some. So intense and relentless. I could change my mind tomorrow. Right now.

This Pain is Physical. Not my fault. Wasn’t abused. Can’t control this either and I’d never wish it on all but one person but idk. I feel things that intensely. I’d be the X-Ray Report that says torn or damaged in about nine places after my ACL tear. The Report was an entire page LOL. That is not common I don’t think. Should’ve just said everything is bad take your 2nd of now Four ambulance trips with your Dad to the ER.

Let me be clear. This is very hard to put into words. It’s less I guess that I wouldn’t barter but sometimes you’re just like please give me that Pain instead, just for a while.

Right now I am comfortable in Pain. Isn’t that pathetic yet tragic? I meannn. Whole body Pain. It’s emotional too trust me but this it takes first. Imagine…the control freak. This is not acute. Feeling without Pain even temporarily is kinda scary and better word unsettling. You want to get better of course but your body has done such a 180 that it becomes what you’re worried about and what makes you nervous. It’s an evil Domino set mouse wheel. Let me also add that long-haul Covid and dysautonomia and pots all of them happened because my body had gotten so healthy again it went in overdrive to try to help me and then couldn’t stop. How nice. Kindly. I’ve learned things about my body and about what people can experience and I didn’t want to. I will never again scoff at someone for saying that they are debilitated because, they are in constant pain or too “tired”... They can’t be safely aware. I’m ashamed I ever thought that about people because there is no take a Tylenol and lay down. There is no taking a nap and you’ll wake up refreshed. That’s all bullshit at this point, and it hurts if you have to ever explain it because you can’t, like so many other things until it happens to you you don’t really know how you feel like a lot of things you can swear that you’ll react one way or the other but when something happens to your kid or someone you love (dare i say abortion as a topic) all the sudden it’s personal and you’re thinking something you never thought you would. Or not. The struggle is actually real.



There is a lot of trauma or some type of PTSD with being this sick for this long as well because you sit comfortably, you know exactly what’s going to happen. If then, then that some of which are terrifying I shake I can’t believe anyone has to deal with this and yet I’m not even one of the most serious cases if you can believe that. Then there’s the Gaslighting. Go to stone ridge and admit yourself for anxiety. NAH. Thankfully all of my docs have been first class with no doors blown off.

I want to say I’ve learned a lesson.. karma. I deserve this. I should’ve seen it coming. Let me be clear again. No one deserves this and yet we’re human and stuff still happens to good and bad people. losing control has been difficult, but I feel like I’ve learned so much about, literal heartache and pain that only someone who was going through the same thing can identify with. there aren’t words. I’m not trying to paint a picture of someone who is on oxygen and dying or taking chemo, but I think that you can hold sadness in several different ways without feeling guilty. you can own What you’re going through. it’s OK to be angry at God at anything and I’ve had to realize that and it’s taken a long time and I think I still am working on it because I think I’m over here. not famished. not taken hostage. not bombed. I have a bed to lay in when I feel bad. U can’t compare things like this and you shouldn’t anyway. I think in doing that it’s never productive anyway. I don’t like being helped which is ironic because I have some co dependencies still and yearning to stay close to what is familiar and home and safe I’ve had to put my or whatever aside and my confidence out the window because yes, you will gain weight not exercising that much but you literally can’t do things at first. I was using a cane to get to the bathroom. I would pant no exaggeration like a dog for at least an hour sometimes after walking 10 feet, ask my mom she was on the couch across from me and we’re both thinking what just happened. or you have to use spoons because you’re shaking so much. Don’t even try a fork w/ rice. or you’re so confused that you always have to have what I would say and interpreter at this point, and praise God that there r doctors surrounding me. I have needed so much help and I think part of accepting help is also allowing someone else to practice stewardship and I think somewhere possibly the Bible at some point you can’t continue to deny someone’s help because they have to have the experience of helping and we both know each feeling. Frankly need it sometimes there are things that not even Gentry will speak of that I’ve gone through but somehow I’m thinking wow Pooh bear was correct. I really am stronger than I seem and I thought that the last time I was in a bad place life is nuts except help, if you don’t have the hope or faith let your family hold it for you. It’s still there. You just can’t get it yet and I cringe to say it, but I have learned so much and whether I heal completely or not writing all this again is therapeutic one, but two when people can identify with someone else, it is a very intimate experience the kind of intensity I feel with everything. I tell people I don’t want to hear ‘you’re going to get better’ because you don’t know that. we can pray for it, but I’ve given prayer a hard time as I’m able to complain, not going to church routinely. Then again going to church is just the building. Sadly tru 4 2 many. a reflection of your yearning for community and a place of hope and routine. we know from the current state in this world that going in a church and coming back out there’s nothing Christian about it, but I’m thankful that I have been held. I’ve even asked. Dad has even had to hang onto me. I’ve been in a wheelchair. I’ve had a bed pan. things that would normally humiliate you. You get humbled immediately. You may have your arms and legs, but there will be times you will need to be pried off the floor, there will be times that your head stays on a cold marble kitchen counter for hours because you don’t have the strength to walk 20 steps to your bed. Covid sucks. it has ruined lives, marriages, people have gone bankrupt. People have died. Mistreated. People have had experiences much worse than mine, and they didn’t deserve it either even if they didn’t take precaution like I did which is part of why I was so frustrated with getting sick. and again i was at that point I had gotten healthy. So ofc, the more prone your body go into hyperdrive. Trying to heal you. and that’s still where I’m at.

[radfae]

the potential protective effects of guns r outweighed by the negatives. having a gun in the house, whether purchased by urself or another, makes u much more likely to get injured or die (murder or suicide) by gunshot. even when attacked by someone else, if u use a gun to try to defend urself u are more likely to be injured than if u had called the cops or ran away. there are numerous studies confirming all this. since 2020 the leading cause of death for 1-19 y/o is guns. women r less likely to buy/use guns anyway, and women are threatened most by men close to them, not strangers, making women even less likely to turn their gun on them. yes criminals can try to find a way to get guns if they’re illegal but we can make it much harder to do so, otherwise what’s the point of laws? ppl murder ppl everyday, should we legalize murder since the law doesn’t stop em?

when australia, the UK, canada, new zealand and norway implemented gun control measures in response to mass shootings, gun violence of all kinds including mass shootings fell dramatically. here in the US, a law in 1994 that banned assault weapons & large-capacity mags lead to a decline in mass shootings. in the decade following the ban’s expiration in 04, mass shootings more than tripled.

the real problem is male violence, i agree 1000%. but easy access to guns makes that male violence so much more extensive & deadly, esp to women (more intimate partners are killed with guns than by all other methods combined) & children (familicide, anyone?). it’s so so easy and so so quick to kill a person or multiple people with a gun. common sense gun laws (universal background checks including at gun shows & private sales, mandatory waiting periods, banning assault weapons & high-capacity mags, raising the minimum age to buy a gun, closing the “boyfriend loophole”, hell we could even throw in a national buyback program) work. a few studies: https://injuryprevention.bmj.com/content/19/1/26 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26905895/ https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1619896114

i totally agree w/ u that male violence needs to be addressed, along with the necessity of a radical restructuring of society with women in charge and female separatism (add banning males from owning guns too, fuck it). but until that happens, we can do other things to save ppl NOW. don’t let perfect be the enemy of good

…yes, it’s a given that you’re much more likely to die by gunshot when there’s a gun in the house. i never said guns were safe. owning one is a responsibility and involves a level of risk. and a lot of the times people can’t run away, and calling the cops takes time (not to mention common police biases against women, the proletariat, black people, mentally ill/disabled people, etc) that may not be available to a person needing immediate defense. which is why, once again, i’ve said that in the event we do restrict gun access, it would be acceptable as a temporary solution for damage control purposes. i just don’t really think that’s feasible; the government isn’t going to give your guns back after successfully passing a law that so massively benefits them. besides, there’s other things we can do for damage control—upping security levels specifically at schools, making it so that people can’t enter the building as easily without a verification process, bulletproof glass, metal detectors, updating protocol so police don’t sit on their ass and wait for backup when there’s an active shooter on site, etc. those are only ideas off of the top of my head but there’s really a lot more we can do than taking away guns while we deal with the root of the problem

since you provided studies, i might as well throw one out there too:

https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/gun-ownership-provides-effective-self-defense-gun-control-p-142-149

A follow-up study of rape found that using a gun or knife for protection reduced the likelihood of a completed rape, and using a gun reduced the likelihood of injury to close to zero.

though, we could throw studies back and forth at each other all day—there’s so many out there regarding guns, since it’s been such a hot topic the past so many years. the fact of the matter is that i’m still going to be pro-gun 🤷‍♀️ i went down a liberal rabbit hole a while back and was pretty anti-gun before i was more radicalized and realized it’s a very flimsy solution with a lot of cons that benefits the bourgeoisie a lot more than the common man or woman. it’d probably take a lot to have me revert back

[theunconcernedembalmer]

what’s the issue with elisop? is it just bc you hc aesop as ace? im so concerned by seeing ppl adamantly opposed to mlm/wlw ships but im also genuinely curious about why you dislike it and other lgbt ships so much lol

hmm. that is a strong accusation, n i find it just a bit odd. are you new here? or perhaps you are taking personal offense at my dislike towards a favourite ship of yours and using the lgbt argument as moral high ground?

whatever the case may be, i thank you for asking. if u r truly looking for an answer, its below the cut n it is very very long. mind u these are all my personal opinions n i am in no way policing how others enjoy ships. just in case this wasnt clear; i dont wish to start discourse on this blog, especially since my takes are probably... unpopular.

firstly i would like to address the “disliking lgbt ships” bit, because this has very strong implications in itself. i have nothing against lgbt ships. i enjoy them, even. if the two characters have chemistry between each other, i ship it. however, the moment characterization is broken for the sake of romance, i lose interest. this is generally my stance on ships in general, n this applies for both straight n lgbt ships. 

the ships themselves are fine. however, i do have issues with the ship dynamics, so ill let u in on that.

i want to touch on mlm ships in particular; i believe u are familiar with the top/bottom dynamic that is rampant in these kinds of ships? (i wont deny that this dynamic can be found in other types of ships, but for arguments sake i will be focusing on gay ships because i feel that this occurs more commonly here) its such a popular dynamic that is prone to stripping the personality from one if not both characters, only for them to be reduced to being dominant/submissive. for a character to be pigeonholed into a stereotypical category based on... preferred sexual positions? its just downright insulting, never mind the larger more problematic implications of it. top/bottom is not indicative of someones personality, by the way. flattening multi dimensional characters into these stereotypes is so so so insulting.

unfortunately this is The Most Popular portrayal of just about any gay ship around. ive seen it being used everywhere in so many fandoms n it just about becomes apparent to me that ppl come to stories looking for a Ship. not the stories, nor the characters, just a ship. while id like to say theres nothing wrong with that, keep in mind not everyone is just looking for 2 characters that look pretty next to each other. if i ship something, i see interesting n meaningful interactions between 2 characters, which is so often not the case once u bring in the top/bottom dynamic. why is it so popular? because somehow this is what ppl like from a gay ship n hence it sells. ppl want the drama, characterizations be damned. ppl want to see the big kiss that happens in the end, n maybe the sexy parts that come after. characterizations be damned.

so u can say im a little wary of gay ships when they cross my feed. hell, as a joseph aesop shipper i see this trope everywhere n im pretty disappointed as well. small tangent but i feel like this is the reason why zh0ngli n ch1lde is so popular in g3nshin. i try to see the appeal, i really do, but after a long while of analyzing their respective characters i dont think they have as much chemistry as ppl think they do. dont even get me started on how incredibly ooc they make either of these very interesting n unique characters in ship portrayals. all because of the top/bottom dynamic that ppl want to see. i say this for that particular ship, but this is pretty much the case for a lot of ships out there, n the latter part is painfully true even when the 2 characters do have potential between each other. ill say it again im disgusted by the blatant disrespect to the characterizations if all ppl ever want is 2 pretty puppets to mush lips together. cos thats what theyre essentially reduced to this way.

n its so obvious to see when an artist subscribes to this rhetoric, because u can so clearly see it in the way they draw their characters. the “top” generally has sharper features to go with their “dominating personality”, while the “bottom” has disturbingly softer, feminine, dare i say sometimes child like features “to submit”. n thats where the uwu soft gay trope comes from, i believe. which, in case u still dont know, i hate with a burning passion.

so again for ppl with impaired reading comprehension, im fine with ships, including lgbt ones, but the moment u break characterization for the sake of the ship, im not that okay with it. u want to do it for a short crack comic? fine. but if thats the only way ur portraying the 2 characters then im immediately wary of ur content. ill still look at it cos usually the art is really good, but im very very wary. so im not “adamantly opposed”, just very critical of how the ships are being portrayed. if other ppl want to enjoy their ships like that, sure. just dont expect me to join in on something i dont agree on.

.

now id like to address not shipping “because i hc aesop as ace”. for ppl who are new to the blog (hello there), im an ace in a romantic relationship, so thats definitely not the reason i dont ship elisop. its more of being in a relationship has largely shaped my views towards romance as a whole. even before i met my boyfriend, i hated the romance genre in stories n media. most of it comes off as incredibly forced, especially those love triangles they seem to love putting into teen novels. thats one reason why i stopped reading when i was younger, but i digress.

did i partake in shipping when i was younger? i did. for a gay ship too (if anyone really wants to know, its kurotsukki from haikyuu. at least this was one that i can remember, i was mostly working on my 20 odd ocs for the longest time). i also used to write little short romance ficlets that i never posted anywhere cos i hated (n still do hate) my writing. but writing romance when u dont have experience was really just a way of projecting n probably a way of coping for myself, not that i knew at that time. but after i actually started a relationship with my boyfriend (whom i love n cherish a lot thank u very much), i began to see how much all these have skewed my views towards romance n have actually done some harm to our relationship. the bullshit that the general media feeds u constantly doesnt help in the slightest either.

quick topic shift to elisop in particular (about time, right?). i already stated that i only ship characters if i sense chemistry between the two personalities, n if u have seen the part where i dont ship elisop then u must have seen how agonized i am over not being able to have a concrete personality for eli. that is the main problem i have with elisop: eli does not feel like a solid character to me. n that is a huge problem, because if he doesnt have any defining characteristics besides being mild n nice, then he can be whoever i want him to be. (i have done this in my exorcist comics, i will admit this. n the fact that i can just do that... it really does not sit well with me personally.)

n that is dangerous.

back to young me doing lil ship things. i think its also pretty safe to say when u really do ship 2 characters, chances are u kinda really relate very very hard to at least one of them. that very quickly can turn into projecting, n shipping therefore is not “exploring the relationship between 2 characters” n it becomes “my preferred dating simulator 101″. of course this isnt always the case, but at least it was for me, n subconsciously it might be for lots of ppl too. n since this is ur mental playground, u call the shots, n there is no consequences if u slightly (or even entirely) alter one or both personalities to fit ur desired narrative. n u wouldnt even notice or know, cos ur blind to ur own biasness.

we bring our perceived notions into real life, im sure u know that. so when ur partner does not become that perfect knight in shining armour, or when they get upset at things that u do (which is a very normal thing by the way), n u think (very subconsciously), That isnt what my otp would do, something is wrong here (nothing is wrong, actually its just ur skewed perception of a stable romantic relationship). why wouldnt ur otp do this? because u are both halves of ur otps, there is no hidden secrets between them (apart from the pining part but thats irrelevant), n again they have been altered to fit ur preferred narrative. 

a real relationship requires a lot of communication between parties, because newsflash, liking someone doesnt mean that u have to like every single thing they do, they will make mistakes n it will hurt u, n guess what, the reverse is also true. if u do go with absoutely anything that they would do with 0 objections whatsoever, ur not crushing on someone, ur idolizing them, n that power imbalance is detrimental to a relationship. these things are not obvious to ppl, especially when the whole climate is hell bent on getting into romantic relationships by a certain age or some bullshit. communication is key n is pretty much the only way to solve relationship issues, because the other person has a lot that u r not seeing n vice versa. as similar as 2 ppl can be, i doubt u can have 100% the same thoughts on all things. i dont make the rules.

so in ur mental playground u focus on the fluffy parts, maybe there is communication, but rarely is there any meaningful conflict. thats unrealistic, n if u bring that mindset to an actual relationship, thats not going to end well. i say meaningful conflict, because yes, generally u shouldnt have conflicts with ur significant other. but inevitably when ur with each other for long enough, u will realize that there are habits that u must change in order to be with the other person. habits that are harmful to the other person directly, or harmful habits towards yourself that indirectly harm the other person. these are meaningful in a sense that if left alone, it will manifest into larger problems that will harm u, the other person n the relationship as a whole. its meaningful to the relationship.

all these is made even worse if ur neurodivergent. maladaptive coping practices, self sabotaging behaviours, inherent disabilities. all these must be adjusted n addressed. im so incredibly thankful for my boyfriend for being incredibly patient with me when working all these out, n it has not been easy for me to work on myself n all my problems, n im still not done working on them. this aspect is often not explored in romance in general (or properly), n there is a very good chance i would have still been stuck in the unhealthy mindset of “this isnt like my otp, maybe we’re not meant to be”. because loving someone is a choice. no one is made for each other, it is a conscious choice made between 2 ppl to make things work. this is how arranged marriages work, i am told, n i do see the appeal, not that it actually does appeal to me culturally.

special mention to the kurotsukki ship, cos from there i found a very, very good fic that explored their relationship before n after getting together, n it actually showed aspects of this problem in the incredibly slow burn of (at that time) 20+ chapters. it was just one fic (n a very good one at that, i believe it was called Leviticus), but it had a lesson i never thought i needed to learn, n learn it i did, with a lot of help from my dear. 

this is also probably the reason why i dont really want to delve too much into romance now. i know its a lot of work, n everything (mostly) that the media feeds u is really false advertising, but ppl eat that shit up n so it remains one of the most popular genres to date. im just very wary that if i do start on a romantic story, i want to be able to show it in a way like that fic did, the truths of relationships, because i dont want to make something that sells, i want to make something that meaningful to me, if a little indulgent. n that also includes being very careful in how the respective characterizations will change in a relationship. almost too careful now that i think about it, but its not something that i mind. i was never one for romance from the start, n now im very careful about shipping because of what happened to me persoanlly.

okay enough about me, lets talk about aesop. in any au u put the character in, the essence of the character must remain despite the change in environment. so lets say we have ur typical modern au. dead mom, check. shitty mentor doing illegal stuff? also check. autistic boy with social anxiety? we’re good to go. all these have implications on aesop as a character, n while ppl are aware of this, again the way they go about portraying it can go, in my personal opinion, very wrong. ppl who immediately woobify aesop completely because he has autism annoy me. ppl who reduce him to uwu soft boi cos he has social anxiety do not know how the disorder really works n as someone who has that i hate it to the core. ppl who do all these for the sake of ship have lost my respect. its insulting.

remember the top/bottom dynamic? not that elisop is completely free from that (even if i dont know much about eli, to put him in either one of those stereotypes feels very insulting to his character. i wont even say anything about doing it to aesop its so upsetting), but its not entirely made up of either. but now i want to introduce another trope i am very wary of, which is “i can fix him”. im sure u guys have seen the meme going around poking fun at this trope (for those who havent, its along the lines of “u can fix him? well i can be his worst nightmare”) n no doubt yall would have seen it n gotten sick of it in some forced hetero romantic bullshit. we have one damsel in distress with a saviour that solves all their problems just by existing n being romo with each other.

remember “my preferred dating simulator 101″? this is not mutually exclusive n from my point of view this is dangerously close to this trope. lets be real, if it was actually a thing that all ur deep rooted trauma magically disappears if someone were to waltz into ur life, we would want it. definitely. no painfully dissecting ur own problems n constantly facing them head on. real life states that this is not the case, but it will not stop us from dreaming. n so this trope is born n lives n will go on.

(finally) pulling aesop n eli into this, at least in my mind, u have one severely traumatized boy with lots of issues n u have this. nice mild guy who can be anything u want him to be. i hope u can see where im going with this, n thats the direction i see some elisop heading towards (i dont read a lot of elisop to be fair). if u came from my eli character talk, i mentioned that it is incredibly one sided. this is exactly what im talking about.

putting it all together in case u havent already, aesop is the damsel in distress, whose problems magically disappear because of elis godly kindness n little to no work on improving himself, n they lived happily n gayly ever after.

can u tell how much that does not appeal to me. 

never mind the butchering of character that inevitably happens somewhere somehow, the unrealistically perfect themes n implications of this trope makes me so viscerally uncomfortable. this is, of course, due to personal reasons, n i definitely see the appeal of this dynamic because i would probably have been interested in this once upon a time as well. but as i am now, with everything i have explained up there n everything i have been through, i would politely rather not.

n its difficult to think of another dynamic, because of how little i know about eli apart from him being this saint, which easily makes him a candidate for being aesops trauma panacea. never mind aesop rarely, if ever, does anything for eli as a character in return, n its so damaging to buy into this rhetoric, where a person like this who would solve all ur issues no strings attached exists somewhere in the world. they really dont. a relationship has to be mutually benefitting, or it will be draining n disastrous. maybe u say, Oh its nice to imagine it once in a while. n yeah, i agree, except once in a while is a little difficult to keep track of n that is sort of what happened to me. id rather stay as far away as possible from this kind of unrealistic fantasy, i just got this shit sorted out with myself n my boyfriend.

i have some other reasons, but theyre more personally problematic, so i wont go into them here. but this is mostly n generally why i do not ship elisop romantically. if u do, u do u, and have fun, but again dont expect me to join u. thank u for coming to my ted talk, this took a lot longer than expected.

[renaer-is-allegedly-hot]

session 9 notes

Tea time as in the oneshot period session u do

Adam is rolling at disadvantage medicine check

Sylvia is playing as Sarah (16)

Marguerite is Snapette (14)

Has not had it before

Lillian is Samantha (15?? 14???)

Has had it before

Can provide inspiration

Sarah picks room c painted purple and dripping stuff from the ceiling

Takes snapette and samantha with her, do it

Adam casts message

"are you guys ok?"

Snapette is a little freaked out bc hasn't had it yet

"I don't knowww"

Samantha says don't worry it's just a routine procedure "she'll be ok don't worry about it"

6

Adam casts shatter at the wall

3d4 damage from middle school girls roll to hit above an 6

Adam has to roll wisdom saving throw at 15

At disadvantage (on next attack)

ROLL INITIATIVE

Adam: 12

Sarah: 5

Snapette: 19

Samantha: 19

Samantha

Snapette

Adam

Sarah

Samantha's turn

2 for persuasion

Snapette

5

Adam casts sleep

Snapette is asleep

Sarah

4 for persuasion

Samantha

6 for persuasion

Adam

Hideous laughters samantha but on the ground laughing

Sarah

        Ok next one as in real one ig

     "lillian has a gaming setup confirmed"

"lillian is a hardcore gamer"

Ok actually

 Last session we were following a lead, we took a rest but now we wanna go to the cemetery

We're gonna go get that rock

"Does the rat have a bed ??"

It's a cemetery but also a park

It's still foggy

We're gonna walk until we come across a taxi ig

Aerana is leading in front, adam towards middle, cel towards back

Asyna and theo don't care

Not fog it's rain

Don't see too many ppl out but as we leave the dock ward we see ppl trying to find cover

Pass through the dock ward unhindered

Eventually we flag down a carriage

V old tiefling man w an eyepatch and a beard coming down in two forks but w one shorter than the other

3c each

"take these coppers . Old version of me"

"eh . What r u doing up this time of night"

"oh we're just gonna go pay our respects to the graveyard"

"we have many graveyards which one r u going to"

"just u know the general - the city of the dead"

"ah headed back there again, eh?"

"again?"

"what do you mean by again?"

"my eye must've been deceiving me I could've sworn I spoke to u the other day"

Adam is not allowed to roll perception???????

"oh no no sir I haven't met u before in my life"

His depth perception is gone

He was doing typical rounds and ran into young man who needed ferry into city of the dead

"there's a lot of tieflings in the city . We all look the same"

No one else is on the carriage

It's late afternoon-ish here

Just dark bc cloud cover it's v rainy

Fast travel ?

He tries some conversation but normal guy

Arrive at a thing with a cage castle thing that's locked up

Metal grate thing in front of the door??? PORTCULLIS

It's so rainy

Looking beyond it there's a lot of carefully manicured lawns

It's locked

A wench looks pulled

If adam were stronger he could push it open

Cel rolls perception for guards

10

Can see light or smth passing through ?? Smth in the place

Kinda bobs a little that "might suggest a lantern"

We can't see it

Adam casts mage hand to try and open the wedge from the other side

There's an actual lock

Lillian rolls a 6

Everyone is confused I am also confused

Everyone is low rolling; cel rolls 8

"how climbable does the wall look"

23 aerana unlocks the door

You're trying to figure it out in the rain

Adam is mage handing the inside part

20

Could not put the lock back on but close the gate

Adam is putting it in george the bush

"I'll be so happy to take this lock off your hands"

It's an awakened bush

"we'll come back to you george bush"

Passing through, it's p creepy

We follow her instructions

Small lake w a small bridge

Asyna has 14 passive perception

This is a p sizable area

she hears out of sync footsteps

Someone stepping when we aren't

Someone walking with us behind us

Asyna rolls perception check disadvantage

a 2

Asyna pretends she looks back to talk to someone behind her

Looks over shoulder, still walking w everyone

Doesn't see anything

The rain and the dark r making it hard for us

Adam is leading

"hey adam . There's someone maybe following us"

Adam's already terrified and now he's peeing

He has actually peed

Was already kinda freaked out by the bus driver

Adam stops leading

Turns to asyna "y ou wot"

"what ? Keep walking let's keep walking"

"but you said"

"nononono"

Asyna perception at disadvantage

11

Adam stops

We've all stopped

As adam is talking to asyna asyna hears the footsteps where we've stopped walking and then they stopped

Cel roll 6

Aerana rolls 20

U whip ur head back to see

U hear ??? "what languages do you guys speak"

U hear what sounds like someone cursing u can't tell what it is

U tell the group

Asyna just says "hey"

Oh we can hold an attack

Let's hold an attack

Adam is holding his urine

"adam's a heavy drinker . You guys don't know that about him" - jacob, 2020

The hey is not answered

Hear a little more squelching

Sounds from the right, 7 perception check

Hard to tell, maybe

Adam does not have detect magic

Bruh dom's gonna kill us right now

On our right we hear stomping in the mud

4 short hooded figures randomly appear

Some kind of weapons they're holding w longer grayish beards and the start rushing to us to attack

I literally rolled a nat1

17 for adam

7 for theo

6 for asyna

Nat1 for cel

Nat1 for aerana

Adam is first

They look like dwarves but they're hooded w v white beards

Four of them in melee w us

All will make charisma saving throw

They don't look like zents or guards

Look like kind of thugs

Fail, nat20, nat20, fail

Whenever the failed ones make an attack roll, -1d4

Uses cutting words on one of the passed one, on next roll needs to -1d6

Two of them rush over after adam does and suddenly it looks like they start to straighten up in posture but they just grow in size

For better or worse they've become larger like the dweargar

They're dweargar

One of each of the attacked ones ig

A third grows in size

Theo's turn

Tries to shoot small one

"kill the baby dwarf"

Rolls an 8 to hit, misses

Asyna's turn

"It would just be a soggy ape"

We're trying to figure out which animal asyna should turn into

She's gonna turn into a crocodile bc one time jones put a crocodile out

We're going to the zoo after this session

There are dippin dots at the zoo

There are not dippin dots at the zoo?

The ice elemental could make a version of dippin dots

Dom gets frozen lemonade at zoos

There are not dippin dots at the zoo but in the summer they have the equivalent of shaved ice

Now asyna's gonna attack

18 to hit

7 damage

Bite attack ? Grappled ? Dc12 saving throw ? No dc12 to escape

He's stuck in the jaws

Who's stuck in the jaws ? The big one one of the big ones the bained one

Oh wait how big is the crocodile

Large

It works

Small one becomes large now all four are large

Cel's turn

Takes the one that just turned big

Casts hunters mark and then hits with sword

1d6 of damage, 2 from hunters mark added

15 to hit with bow, 14 damage

Aerana's turn

11 damage

Big one that adam didn't hit

U poke a lil hole

He's wearing chain armor and u shear through it a little

Adam

Casts vicious mockery on the one you just hit

He will take 3 damage "the only reason you got big physically is because you're compensating"

And disadvantage on next physical attack

He's next

Ah he's gonna attack u

He misses

Other one goes

The big bained one

Marguerite took the small bained one

Nat1 lmao

Tries to swing at adam and doesn't hit

Grappled man gonna try to escape, is large so does he escape ? Yes he escapes

Theo's turn

Theo will hit the one that just tried to escape w bow

14 to hit, does it

Deals 5 damage

The one u n adam hit is a little worse for wear along w the last one to turn big boi

Theo can add sneak attack bc asyna is within melee range

Adds 8 damage for total 13 damage

Now he's also not looking great

Theo abandons bow to sneak attack w sword

Asyna's turn

18 to hit

6 damage

Same guy theo got

"how do you want to do this?"

Chomps him in half

He tastes salty

Ok so in total like 26 damage to take out ?

Upon seeing the crocodile the other one is gonna fight asyna

Despite -1d6 to hit, has advantage bc larger size and never mind ?

12 armor class, he hits

6 damage

He smashes snout in "it hurts . But ur fine"

Cel's turn

It is the one with hunters mark

Uses bow

23 to hit, 11 damage

Looks like he's on his last legs

Aerana deals 14 damage

"how do you want to do this"

Cut off the legs then he slides off his own legs and collapses

Bleeding out as he kicks the bucket

Adam

"how do you want to do this"

1 health lmao

"what I roll will tell me the level of roast that kills him"

"your mother was a badger mole and your father was a worm"

He hyperventilates, asphyxiates, then dies

Bruh next time u should pull a criminal minds death smh

He rolls a 3 and doesn't hit anyone

Theo's turn

Makes an athletics check to climb onto him?

I want a burrito

I'm gonna make a burrito after we play so I can start s14

Gonna try to intimidate

" we just killed all of your friends but we'd be willing to keep you alive if you answered some questions for us "

"that is the most polite intimidation I've ever heard" dom, 2020

Rolls with advantage

8 lmao

He looks scared but it didn't work

"is theo like a mormon or something???" jacob, 2020

"dnd but it's mormons"

Asyna's turn

Rolls a 2, snaps and it doesn't work

Cel's turn

Pulls out sword to intimidate

"last chance fucker or we kill you"

17

Bc we're in melee he drops his weapon which did not grow in size with him

Adam is gonna change his shorts

It looks like he's wearing a skort

You take his war hammer

Time to interrogate

Cel is pulling him down???? He's medium size and cel is filled with rage

Eye contact ???? Or ok athletics check

14 athletics check it works gets him down to eye level

"who sent you?"

Doesn't answer

Asks in undercommon

"I was sent by noska"

"noska's with me at the guild"

It is the xanathar guild

"why?"

"we figured you five would have the stone"

Adam comes back

"we do have the stone in fact"

Deception check

19

Intimidation and deception are specific ways of persuading

19 deceives

"we already had it"

He looks at adam and says "that so? Well uh then you have it on you now?"

"uh no . Check the bottom of the ocean ."

His eyes widen

"so why don't you go tell your xants"

"you . You didn't ."

"oh . We did."

He's not used to communicating through an interpreter

Says smth along the lines of "you idiot there's half a million dragons in there"

Now he's just yelling at us

Cel whips out sword and offers to behead him against the

We could cut out his tongue and opposable thumbs

And then let him go as a sign to the xants

Carve a message into his chest

"who else are you hunting for"

"nobody right now . I guess ,, well, no .. No, not really - mostly just the rock"

"well it's gone . See rock see stone at the see shell at the see shore"

"here's the thing buddy boy we know you're looking for it and we don't like you"

"so you can skedaddle"

"when did adam get so cocky?"

"right after he learned vicious mockery"

Adam spanks him

He shrunk to a medium size

Or maybe adam didn't spank him

Tl;dr he's not gonna snitch and doesn't give us a name

"I still wanna know your name, fucker"

It's gorrick

Sylvia would've called him ocean

"if you know a crow person named bingbong-" "that's not his real name" "-if you know a kenku whose name is a gong sound, can you tell us where he is?" "well there's lots of different kenku but I don’t' know they all look kind of scruffy and they all wear cloaks so I can't tell" he doesn't know

"he reluctantly gives you his pants" dom, 2020

"but is he packing tho" marianne, 2020

"roll for perception at disadvantage" "16"

"from what you can tell… this guy can taste enlarge/reduce on himself, so yeah" dom says, begrudgingly, 2020

For the record . I was joking . But he made me roll

"is that dead one packing shmeat" "NO, HE IS N O T" jacob and dom, 2020

"you idiots are dead xants r gonna come and make your lives hell"

We see lantern lights just bobbing around in the darkness

Arrive at one of the wealthier areas w big pillared, raised pedestals w coffins n statues

Eventually make it to a small covered stone building not too much larger than a shed

One of the things has been pushed open

Smashed lock on the ground

Adam thaumaturgies and walks in

Adam makes the light blue

10 feet in there's a 10ft open chamber; off to left and right are two different stone coffins that have been covered up; don't depict any particular person but some writing on it

Further in two raised sections with set of stairs leading into darkness between them

Cel rolls investigation check to see if someone was there

Rolls 21, somewhat dusty inside and can see some footprints

2 pairs that look human-sized

Writing on coffins just have names of garloth family with age and short passage

The footprints look like they go both in and out

Honestly ? Proud of my question asking if the footprints are going in the same direction . Me one year ago would not have thought

Adam goes deeper into the darkness

Going down it's warmer, pathway abt 10 feet wide

More coffins; one to right one to left

Contents have been ransacked

Tops have been broken (wood)

Some bones have been removed

Cel rolls 21 to see if they were buried w anything

Passage extends 50 feet down

All coffins here have been ransacked

Two more coffins have also been ransacked

60 feet down adam can see a side passage

Bc of the light adam can see smth sparkling in the dust

Door set into the wall

Adam picks it up

Looks like a key

Adam tries it for the locked door

Adam runs 19 investigation but it doesn't appear to be trapped

Looks like this door has scratches like long gouges

Key adam found does not fit

Cel picks it

More ornate coffin inside, untouched

Cel rolls for investigation, 10

Unsure abt traps

More dusty in here, some dirt falling from ceiling

Adam looking for rat-sized entrances

Investigation check

11, can't see

Other coffin made to look like a person, last name garloth

Cel opens the coffin

Strength check w advantage

Nat20

Wedges crowbar under stone, it slides off and hits the ground, kicking up some dust

Inside is a dead person

Cel investigates for stone

13, it's just a dead man

Rings just look fancy

Based on our info

The stone is p sizable

Adam puts all the rings on at once and as he tugs the rings off the skeleton the head rolls and falls to look at adam

"I'm gonna cover the face and keep tugging - does it come off?"

"the finger comes off"

Naya's gonna scry w the key

"are you still a crocodile?"

"oh ok I guess I'll revert then"

Naya hops away

Will do investigation checks for rest of tomb

Adam is licking the floor, rolls 13

Adam gathers the door was not opened before we came in

Hard to tell w the footprints now that we've come in

Someone did come in tho before us

Cel is investigating and adam is giving inspiration

"are you doing bardic inspiration then?"

"yeah"

"do I get a song?"

"there once was a halfling named cel she was searching for bodies in a cell but there was one trap everyone did a laugh(?) and down the hole she fell"

"you've been inspired to avoid all danger"

Four were unopened Ig

11 it doesn't open ?

Nat20 for second coffin

Dead person inside

Investigates for stone, 8

Doesn't see anything

There's an entrance the door at the front of the mausoleum that a rat could fit through

No rat-sized holes in the coffins

Only lead is the key

Naya looks like she's leaving so we're gonna follow

Eventually led to another entrance/exit of the cemetery in a different direction

Still raining but not quite as heavily as before

Getting closer to midnight

Naya starts leading us towards trades ward

Pause point?

[themariotheme]

okay i am Not Having  A Good Time Right Now not BAD but just... weird not as in “weird” like how i say when im actually depressed this is a different weird it’s just incomprehensible and i feel very annoying to everyone especially on my stupid twitter so i shall be spewing garbage here so

okay so right now i feel like the world is horrible and like i could never be happy in it but im not depressed abt it im just numb so im not upset about how capitalism means there are people dying and everything is bad but i need u to know that i AM upset about it actually isnt it weird ?? i need to make sure that it is understood that these things upset me but like, not right now. is that just me being defensive because ive always felt like i need to justify feeling my feelings like i KNOW other people have it worse i KNOW im a privileged upper middle class chinese girl who has Had Everything okay i KNOW i just

i dont know

 am literally rotting and being useless all the time at home because im not in school im literally doing nothing im doing nothing all day im doing nothing im useless im just on this earth consuming and using up my parent’s money and contributing to climate change by having my air conditioning on even though i know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis it’s companies and billionaires who suck Major Ass!!! u see how i have to justify but then also justify?? i am simply like this with Everything it’s so exhausting and i kind of want to cry now

like i Know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis. artists arent selfish for making art how could i think i that???? i DONT think that i wouldnt look at someone who has their air conditioning on all day and think badly of them, i wouldnt look at artists and think “ugh what a selfish piece of shit, how could they look at the state of the world and choose to make silly art when  they could be a doctor or journalist or politician or ANYTHING that would Help People” BUT WHY DOES THAT NOT APPLY TO ME ???? WHY DO I STILL HAVE TO FEEEL LOUSY ABOUT IT ?? I FEEL SO STUPID im literally just ?? arguing with myself in my head but it ends up leading nowhere i just cant not feel terrible and guilty about everything i do

whatever. i dont know

okay but right so for the past 2 weeks that i was gone from tumblr because staff are PUSSIES who SNIPED me for NO REASON and then didnt reply to my emails i was mostly on twitter because i m useless n Do Nothing At All with my time so im on twitter because im lonely and crave interpersonal connections so i tried to make friends which i did ! i think i have had some success at least in making friends online . i think i can say that maybe perhaps for sure (maybe). but yes i have made some friends on twitter i think evie and maya and noga r great and i love them this is not th point sigh

okay im just going to explain the Nonsense Teenage Drama that went down and i will be (maybe) just namedropping cause none of them r even names anyway it doesnt matter actually

but i just need to feel like ??? im not insane and overreacting to this entire thing which like some ppl have confirmed !! and yet (??)

okay tw for suicide ed self harm n bullying cause i ended up ranting abt those things :(

SO. this Person C got into some. drama with M and J. this is all friendship related i think personally C is in the wrong and M and J have the right to be mad at them for it. BUT C was also very obviously suicidal in the “i am crying out for help and attention right now” kind of way . maybe i am just sympathetic because i have been that before idk. but drama unleashed, M and J publicly got into it with C. right so everyone witnesses this. including Person D. THIS PERSON. has TIME AND TIME AGAIN shown themsevles to be terrible terrible u know what idc im just gonna copy and paste screenshots idc idc idc AAAAAA im so djfdskmg idk

like ??? THIS WASNT IDK I DONT KNOW . i dnt know i dont know i AM over this but i had a panic attack over this and i was in a depressive episdode this was 3 days of hell and it didnt even involve me ??? the most i was involved w was like being personally offended because her friends called me a bitch or whatever but like ?? there r some of her friends who r friends w my friends and it makes me feel like idk :( like why do mar n mia hate me lol am i so terrible for thinking she should go get help for her ed isntead of telling ppl to slit their wrists n off themselves online lol idk idk idk yeah okay

like i feel like im overreacting , and taking personal offense to being called a bitch because i did end up calling her out in a very long series of tweets lol and like ?? someone would screenshot my tweets n she’d tweet abt them n say im obsessed n her friends would like her tweet and those ppl would be friends w my friends :( idk i feel like im just being a fool and over reacting idk sigh this is old news by now i am actually in fact Truly over this /gen but yea my cramps r bad today fuck periods we shld just reabsorb uterine linings like rats do why cant we be more like rats

/rant

my tweets for context idk i know no one will read this all but i feel the need to make myself clear because god knows fucking why idk idk idk 

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364932184629338122?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364928910916378634?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364729355448983552?s=20

and scroll down from there i guess

man i was rlly going thru it huh

idk ALSO she like ?? said “if ur ugly u should die i cant breathe the same air as u” in response to someone’s selfies like ?? idk man idk idkdikddnfjfdnsjgdj im going to sleep night night im not losing my mind i swear /gen

[thatgirlfromwindsor]

92 Tag!

I was tagged by @roleplayingexo, my lil love

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people. (20 ppl ur funny)

THE LAST: 

1. Drink: Iced water to go with my cookie bc I’m lactose :c 2. Phone call: I think my auntie. She wanted to talk to my dad or something. 3. Text message: My cousin :D I think I was asking her to steal a baby for me

4. Youtube Video (this was fked when I got to it so imma just do my own…): My girl Taylor Nicole Dean

5. Time you cried: Yesterday. I was talking to Mel about my hypothetical dead bird dying because it outlived me and got sad and didn’t understand why I was gone and I broke

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: Boy I haven’t even dated someone once r u kidding me 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: :’) I’m a boyfriend virgin and a kiss virgin I feel personally attacked 8. Been cheated on: See above 9. Lost someone special: My puppy was run over by a car the other day. That effing sucked. 10. Been depressed: I haven’t been diagnosed by a doctor and I don’t really have sad periods or anything. I don’t think I have serious depression but sometimes a girl just wants to d*e ya feel me lmao  11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: *sigh* I’m a drunk virgin too. I have gotten tipsy before tho (my first time drinking and it was soju smh the inner koreaboo strikes again :////)

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: Pastel pink, mint green, coral pink/red

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yes! I started uni this fall, so I’ve met loads of new people :) 16. Fallen out of love: I don’t think I’ve ever really been in love. I did unbias Minseok though. All the merch is a lil awko taco now. (Still loaf him, but Jongdae owns my heart n soul now uwu) 17. Laughed until you cried: Today. I was reading a confessions post from my uni and o lor d 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yeah. It sucked 19. Met someone who changed you: @universitykpop when did we meet again lmao 20. Found out who your friends are: ?? Who knows all of y’all could be snakes and I’d be none the wiser 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: See above for further explanation 

GENERAL 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Almost all of them. I have Mel on there and some distant family friends or something 23. Do you have any pets: I had Chocolate but I had to leave her behind in Vietnam when I came home (technically I only babysat her for a lil bit but she was my puppy and I cried when she died) 24. Do you want to change your name: Yes. My last name is stupid and in the wrong language. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: I just had a small get together with friends. We chilled, played jenga, gossiped, the usual 26. What time did you wake up: Today’s a saturday so like probs something dumb like 11am 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Watching animal videos 28. Name something you can’t do: Not cry during an argument I’m a lil pussy 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Like 2 hours ago before she went to bed 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I wish I got into working out so I wasn’t a fat out of shape slob

31. What are you listening right now: My songs of the moment are Babe by Hyuna, Forever by Exo, Kokobop by Exo, p much all of Exo’s discography. I slide in some Pierce the Veil and All Time Low too. They’re rad 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Most likely?  33. Something that is getting on your nerves: My makeup is nearing the end of it’s run but 1) I spent a lotta time on this look and 2) I’m lazy to wash my face (I’ll post a pic if any of yall are interested) 34. Most visited Website: Loncapa :’))))))))) Fuck me up chem

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: Nope! 36. Mark/s: Beauty marks/birthmarks by my eye, on my arm, on my back. They’re not moles though. They’re very much flat. I have some scars on my hands from stupid things like getting cut on coral and shit 37. Childhood dream: I wanted to be an author. I thought I loved writing but I guess biomed was always my true calling 38. Hair colour: Black 39. Long or short hair: Long 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Yeah and the bitch’s name is Kim Jongdae 41. What do you like about yourself: I think I have pretty lips. I like my eyes 42. Piercings: Just my ear lobes but I’ve always wanted a nose piercing or a double helix 43. Bloodtype: No idea but according to an old wives tale I’m an O type 44. Nickname: I like to go by Vivi on here, or Viv sometimes. Mel likes to call me Weimoney :’)))))))))) 45. Relationship status: Single af 46. Zodiac: Pisces 47. Pronouns: She/ Her 48. Favourite TV Show: Go Fighting! I used to be really into the Flash, I really like Orphan Black too 49. Tattoos: Nada 50. Right or left hand: Right 51. Surgery: I don’t think so. My parents thought I was dead when I was born tho so who knows what the doctor did to me 52. Hair dyed in different colour: I’ve tried! My hair is a really really dark dark black colour. I’d have to bleach it and I don’t wanna fuck with that at home lmao  53. Sport: I like jogging sometimes. I’ve tried to pick up yoga 55. Vacation: I loved loved loved China. I visited Xiamen recently and I love it so much. I feel so at home. Also Grand Cayman. It’s beautiful there (my heart goes to all of those affected my the hurricanes. Stay strong!) 56. Pair of trainers: (does this mean sneakers or runners???? I don’t get your foreign slang Jess) I like my converse. They’re my babies. I have a pair of Free Runs tho. They look really good with skinny pants.

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: I ate a cookie bc I skipped dinner oops 58. Drinking: The same iced water 59. I’m about to: Do some chem hw 61. Waiting for: My next trip to NR to I can justify blowing all my $$$ on Exo notebooks 63. Get married: I would love to. It requires that I’m in a relationship first though… 64. Career: Med school is the dream. It’s a big dream and a big ambition, but I hope with hard work and perseverance I can make it a reality. I’m not sure what I want to specialize it, but I’ve always found reproductive endocrinology super interesting. 

WHICH IS BETTER

65. Hugs or kisses: I love hugs. Hugs are the greatest. They make me feel warm and loved. No experience with kisses

66. Lips or eyes: Eyes. Eyes hold so much expression and history.

67. Shorter or taller: Both! Kyungsoo and a smol lil cutie patoot, and Channie is a tol giant full of love and cuddles. Both could take me any day

68. Older or younger: Older. I can’t imagine being with someone younger at this point in my life

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: I just want my boothang to be happy and healthy. Channie bear pls don’t starve urself abs aren’t worth it bb :((((

71. Sensitive or loud: I don’t know what this means but if it means what I think it means than kinky sex

72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: I’m a massive piece of shit with social anxiety so you know what who fuckin knows at this point

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: SEE ABOVE ONCE AGAIN HOLY HSIT 75. Drank hard liquor: I’ve had soju so it’s like half vodka? I’ve tried a berry alcohol (it’s native to Vietnam and super hard to come by) that’s 40%. 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I lose my sunglasses on my face. I’m a failure 77. Turned someone down: Possibly? I’m terrible at reading signs. 78. Sex on the first date: I feel personally attacked at this point. No first dates ever :/ 79. Broken someone’s heart: That would mean that someone would be interested in me…  80. Had your heart broken: Yes 81. Been arrested: Nope. I’m a good girl 82. Cried when someone died: Yes 83. Fallen for a friend: Nada

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: Meh. I guess so 85. Miracles: Yeah 86. Love at first sight: I believe in lust at first sight. I don’t believe that you can truly fall in love with someone before meeting them 87. Santa Claus: Nope 88. Kiss on the first date: Sure, why not? A kiss is just a kiss 89. Angels: I like to think so, yeah

OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: @universitykpop is it sad if I say you? 91. Eye colour: Brown 92. Favourite movie: Rush Hour. It’s a fave of mine. Brings me back to the good old days :’)))

Tagging: @universitykpop @penseuls I have no other friends oops. If you see this then I tag you too!!! And tag me in your responses. I love reading them. Haneul I dare you to do this all in your bullet journal (might as well get some content for your blog)

[yamlog]

met mj for dinner jn (we meet 2-3 times a month now - we’ve grown p close since last year and i think we consider each other Staples, like how some people you meet them once a year and it’s ok, others maybe a few times a year, but some ppl you HAVE to meet at least once a month or u feel a bit unfulfilled? those ppl r staples. like rice.) and even though she saw me just a week+ ago / she saw my class videos, she was shocked and said i lost a lot of weight seemingly over the weekend?? which just confirms my suspicion that my illness taking a turn for the worse is bc of my emotional state. i rly do not have the time or energy to be running a fever for a month again so im just going to focus on getting over the recent event. like for real, not repressing it and having it push back in the form of my body killing itself. as it is i cannot afford to lose any more weight from feeling sad. i need to be healthy so i can do my presentations and go back to dance and finish my crocheting project for school which is hella tedious and laborious bc of the scale and material.

i think ive more or less cried myself dry. i can look at things or remember his voice without crying for hours on end. for now. and i think my period is coming maybe tmr or the day after because the entire section involving babymaking HURTS like fuck when i least expect it. like a sudden attack, when im walking home, or sitting on the train, or buying food. what the fuck lah. i thought the implant was supposed to reduce pain?? if this is pain reduced i rly dk how i survived my cramps from before a year ago.

over the weekend before i had the good sense to eat painkillers (im afraid ive grown dependent on them the way i did my antidepressants when i was 16 - they just make me feel much better and happier and less shitty i rly dk how to describe) i was lying in bed unable to sleep eat drink or even watch shows just crying and wondering if i should just jump. it’s been awhile, and i don’t miss the feeling. it always feels unbearable. and the thoughts keep coming. what if he never wants to see you again, what if he falls for someone better/smarter/prettier/kinder/funnier than you, what if you’ll have to hear about his wedding from a 3rd party, do you really want to carry on knowing the news could come any day, don’t you think it would be wiser to just exit your life so you dont have to find out unexpectedly and go through the unimaginable pain? wouldn’t death be the ultimate protection from suffering? jump lah v fast one then u no need to think abt him alr. it just keeps coming. and it’s tempting. it’s always tempting to escape. not giving in is to consciously choose to ache and yearn every single waking moment. why would i choose torture? and yet i do. because i have parents to support.

made amends w MR over our spat during xmas szn. i mean we still got along but nvr rly talked abt it until he suddenly said that he wanted an apology for what i said. which told me that he had been thinking abt it still bc it was rly hurtful and it matters to him what i think. i apologised, he apologised. things are ok but not ok. but he and i have always been very good at carrying the mess and the ugly and moving on. i think it is a precondition of our friendship. i still resent that he cancelled last min and caused so much trouble for my tita. but it doesnt remove any of the care or affection i feel. i think it’s like that for him too. i said some rly nasty things that day, like i chose my words carefully and they were calculated to hit where it would hurt most. it’s something you can do only after knowing someone for many many years. i gave into my anger. and he forgave me for that. i think that in itself makes it easy to forgive him for wtv irresponsible shit he’s done. i guess we’re actually more similar than i thought?? not that i’d ever admit it to his face.