#i just. i just love the clones so much bro oh my g

[papanowo]

not gonna lie this doodle page got away from me lol

[ooops-i-arted]

“Who told you that?” For the 101 AU please

Din scanned his room, making sure he hadn’t forgotten anything.  His armor was on, he’d packed extra weaponry onto the Crest, and he had extra supplies on board just in case his trip and stay on Coruscant took longer than expected.  Skywalker had promised that he’d make sure Din got anything he needed and even offered his own place for Din to stay, but even though Din respected the Jedi Master well enough by now, he still preferred to be self-reliant.

He found the Mandalorians squeaker toy Ika’ika was so fond of under his bed and tucked it into a pouch on his belt, hoping it wouldn’t make any noise at the wrong time.  All that was left was to retrieve his littlest one, and then they could depart.

The kids were outside, being entertained by Skywalker - they loved playing their sorcery games with an adult who could actively participate, not just repeat “Don’t lift me up!” - but Din had left Ika’ika in his crib because he was asleep, and needed the rest before the trip.  He walked over to the bassinet in the middle of the room.  “Ika’ika.  Are you awake?”

He looked inside.  Ika’ika was not there.

Din sighed.  Impossibly tiny, so many genetic abnormalities Din didn’t even know if he would survive another year, only started crawling a few months ago, and he was still the finest escape artist of the entire clan.

Well, at least he’d grabbed the damn squeaker.  “Ika’ika,” called Din.  “Ika’ika.  Come here.”  He squeezed the toy, which squeaked obnoxiously.  Nothing.

“Ika’ika.”  He squeaked the toy again, pacing quietly through the room.  “Ika’ika, I’ve got your favorite toy for you.”  He activated his HUD, scanning for tracks, and to his surprise saw not Ika’ika’s miniature prints, but one of the older kids’ larger footprints.

“Ika’ika?”  The tracks led to the hallway, over towards the kitchen and into one of the cabinets.  Din switched off the HUD and squeaked the toy again.  This time, a returning squeak came from the cabinet, along with a “Shh!”

Din crouched down and opened the cabinet, finding his oldest and youngest tucked among the foodstuffs.  Ika’ika squealed happily, drooling down his front and immediately reaching out for Din, but Yod’ika shrank back, clutching Ika’ika tightly in his arms.

“What are you two doing in here?” Din asked.  Yod’ika kept his mouth pressed tightly shut, clinging harder to Ika’ika, who giggled and squirmed.

“You need to be gentle with him,” Din reminded Yod’ika.  He reached out a hand.  “Give him here.”

“No!” said Yod’ika, to Din’s surprise, scooting further back into the cabinet.

“Yod’ika,” said Din, trying to sound both stern and patient.  Yod’ika was never more prone to acting out than when Din was about to leave, but much as Din wanted him to be reassured he didn’t want Yod’ika thinking that delaying the trip was acceptable.  “You know Ika’ika and I are leaving with Skywalker this morning.  You need to give him to me.”

“No!” cried Yod’ika, yanking Ika’ika away and shoving himself further back into the cabinet.  “No, I won’t let you!”

Now the light reached Yod’ika’s face and to Din’s surprise, he could see tears welling up in his son’s eyes.  “Ad’ika?  What’s wrong?”

The tears spilled all over Yod’ika’s face.  “You’re g-gonna take him a-away!” wailed Yod’ika, clutching his littlest brother close.  “Y-you’re gonna g-give him t-t-to doctors and they’re gonna keep him in a lab and - and -”  He dissolved into sobs, unable to finish.

Din was torn between concern and sheer bemusement.  “Who told you that, ad’ika?”

“I h-heard you and M-Mister Luke and M-Miss L-Leia t-talking about it!” cried Yod’ika.  “Y-You’re gonna take h-him away and leave him there!”

“Of course I wouldn’t do that,” said Din.

“Yes you would!” screamed Yod’ika.

It was like a vibroknife had gone straight through his beskar.  Of course, why would Yod’ika think otherwise?  Hadn’t he taken Yod’ika - a little, innocent child who knew nothing about bounty hunting, only a Mandalorian he already loved enough to save him from a charging mudhorn - and left him in the hands of demagolke?  Din had never figured out what had happened during those terrible few hours he’d left Yod’ika there, but the equipment he had seen and the fact that Yod’ika never, ever spoke a word about what he’d faced had been enough to convince Din it had been horrible.

Without thinking, Din scooped them both up and held them close.  Belatedly, he wondered if he’d only scared Yod’ika more, but his son clutched tightly to his jumpsuit and cried, face buried in Din’s cloak.  Ika’ika reached out for the toy that had fallen from Din’s hands, and it floated up into the air until he was able to nab it and start gnawing on it.

Din adjusted them both so he could pat Yod’ika’s back, rubbing circles on it and murmuring soothing things until finally the crying died down to sniffles, trying to think about how to explain everything to Yod’ika.  He couldn’t leave like this, not with his son sobbing and afraid for his brother.

Carefully, Din set Ika’ika in his lap, making sure he was occupied enough by the toy and trapped in Din’s legs so that the clan’s master escape artist would have trouble trying to run.  Hearing Yod’ika stop crying, he placed his eldest on his knee, wiping away tears from his face.  “Listen, ad’ika,” he said.  “I promise, I promise I won’t let anyone hurt Ika’ika.  I am not leaving him.  I am going to stay with him, and bring him back home.  I promise.”

Yod’ika sniffled hugely, swiping at his tear-streaked cheeks, looking doubtful.

Din took the corner of his cloak to wipe his son’s face some more.  “Do you remember what I told you?  About why you have all your brothers?”

“Y-yes.”  Yod’ika swallowed, scrubbing at his face, and continued, “You s-said they took my genes a long time ago, when I don’t ’member.  From my b-blood or something.  And they made lots of copies of me.”

“Yes, they cloned you,” said Din, his chest hurting.  No child should have to know this, or have it explained to them.

“B-but when they made my vode they changed my genes,” said Yod’ika.  “So they’re the same as me.  But different too.”

“Yes, that’s right.  Lots of differences, some you can see, some you can’t.”  Din scooped up Ika’ika, keeping him from crawling up Din’s leg and setting him back safely in his lap.  “Like what color your skin is.”

“’Cuz we’re all different,” said Yod’ika, nodding.  “But especially Ika’ika.”

“Yes.”  Din glanced down; Ika’ika’s almost-white skin was stark against the dark blue onesie he was wearing.  All the kids were varying shades of green from genetic manipulation, or so the files he’d stolen from Kamino said, but where the others were subtle variations, not noticeable at a glance, Ika’ika’s pale green stood out.  “Especially Ika’ika.”

Din chewed at his lip, trying to figure out how to phrase it and get Yod’ika to understand.  “It’s not just color, though,” he said.  “And not just the Kaminoans who changed the genes.  The sample from you they had… as they got older, they degraded.”

“What’s de-grade-ed mean?”

“Um…”  Din glanced around, thinking, then said, “Starting to break down.  Like my old cloak, the one with holes in it.”

“Oh.”

Yod’ika nodded thoughtfully and seemed to understand, so Din continued.  “The gene sample was breaking down when they made Ika’ika.  So his genes aren’t just different, but some of them are… not the way they’re supposed to be either.  Broken, or without the right copies he’s supposed to have.  And because of that, he’s not as healthy as he should be.”

Yod’ika’s ears drooped as he looked down at his younger brother.  “But you take care of him, Dad,” he said.  “He doesn’t need anyone else…”

“Well, I don’t know everything, ad’ika,” said Din.  He scooped up Ika’ika in a bout of need to hold the tiny precious infant; the baby rolled over in his hands and squealed in delight, unperturbed by the serious conversation his father and brother were having about him.  “I can’t do a good job taking care of him if I don’t know what he needs.”

Yod’ika leaned forward; Din tilted his hands so Yod’ika could peer at his little brother, who was now entertaining himself by grabbing Din’s fingers and trying to eat them.  “He looks fine.  And he’s happy.”

“I know,” said Din.  “And I want to keep him that way.”  He caught Ika’ika before the baby could flop right out of his hands.  “Remember he got a rash from that first kind of diaper we got him?  And how he got sick from some kinds of food?  It might get better as he gets older, or it might get worse.  If someone looks at his genes, they can maybe tell me what kind of help he needs.”

Yod’ika scowled fiercely.  “You are taking him to a doctor!  In a lab!”

“Well, her title is doctor.  And yes, she works in a lab.  But she’s a geneticist.”  Din stroked his son’s head reassuringly.  “That means she knows about genes.  She can help Ika’ika.  She’s not going to hurt him.”

Yod’ika shook his head, starting to cry again.  “You can’t take him there, Dad!  You can’t!”

“Listen to me, ad’ika.”  Din set Ika’ika down in his lap and cupped Yod’ika’s face in his hands.  “This is not like the place I took you to before.  Or the place where we found your brothers.  Master Skywalker told me this place is safe, and I believe him.  I would never take Ika’ika there if I thought he would be hurt.”

Yod’ika sniffled, glancing down at Ika’ika.  “What if it is bad?  What if they try to take him away from you?”

“Then I’ll shoot them.”

“What if there are lots and lots of bad people?  Too many for you to shoot them all?”

“Master Skywalker said he would help me.”  Din wiped a stray tear from Yod’ika’s cheek.  “He knows about how we found your brothers.  He promised he would tell me if Ika’ika felt too scared in the Force, and that we could leave any time we wanted to.”

Yod’ika scooted closer, curling up at Din’s side.  “You won’t leave Ika’ika there?  You promise?”

Din hugged him close.  “I promise. Haat, ijaa, haa’it.”

Yod’ika leaned into the hug, staying there for a long moment before he reached down and picked up Ika’ika instead.  “It’s okay, Ika’ika,” he said, clumsily rocking his brother, who giggled at the sensation.  “Dad will take care of you.”

“Is he scared?” asked Din.  Yod’ika in his oldest brothers were very good at picking up on what the babies felt, a skill he relied on frequently.

“No,” said Yod’ika.  “He likes being with you.”

“Then he’ll be happy.  Because he’s going to stay with me, no matter what,” Din told Yod’ika firmly.

Yod’ika held Ika’ika for a long moment, but then finally handed him over to Din.

[bolbianddolanhouse]

BNHA self insert AU [Book 4]

Foo... here's book 1, 2 and 3. CATCH UP!

Chapter 2: I Thought You Were Bae!

As summer break approaches, the twins gear up for their respected challenges. But of course, this is the middle school years...there's the added bullying to top of trying to do anything.

"Hey Iida-chan" jested a boy from Hanaka's homeroom "why do you put on makeup, you're still ugly."

"Leave her alone you jerk!" Petti snarled at the bully.

"I'm not talking to you feather brain" the bully pushes Petti aside to corner Hanaka up to a tree "Iida-chan, why even try to look pretty? Your face is all round and darker skinned. And you have fat calves."

"Please leave me alone" Hanaka warned "I wasn't bothering you."

"Your ugly face was bothering me" the bully tried to grab her arm but the surface of Hanaka's skin was scorching to the touch "YEOWCH! With a temper and quirk like that, who could ever love you?! You'd burn anyone that tried to get close to you! I bet your parents never hugged you, thats why you're like that."

That tipped Hanaka over the edge and she combusted into flames. It was too much for her to control, so everything caught fire. On one side, it made summer break come earlier. But on the other, it pushed bunch of things back like the mock trials to middle of summer break. Luckily nobody was hurt, but Hanaka's self esteem went down the drain. Their parent's said it was best if the twins were separated until Hanaka sees a doctor. Tensei was more than willing to be away from home and his cases for a while. The Ashido's housed him for the time being.

"Okay boys I'm going on my work trip" announced Ashido-kun's mom, Mina "I'll be back tomorrow evening, your father is coming in an hour. No funny business! And I want that room spotless Masaru."

"Yes mother" groaned Ashido-kun "We'll behave!"

"I know Tensei will, I was talking to you" His mother said sternly "Okay, I'm off! Bye Bye!"

"Bye Mrs Ashido!" Tensei waved.

Masaru waited until the front door closed "Okay she's gone, what do you want to do?!"

"Want help to clean your room?" Tensei suggested.

"What, no! Something fun!" Masaru paused to think "Wanna....sneak out to Huei-kun's?"

"I don't want to get in trouble with your mom" Tensei scowled in reply "Plus your dad is coming home in an hour! He's gonna know we're gone."

Masaru groaned "Come on Tensei, loosen up a little! It's summer break, extendo version" he scrolls on his phone "I'm gonna shoot a text to the boys and see what kind of adventure we'll get into."

Tensei leaned on the wall he was sitting by "Fine! I'll play along but don't expect much from me."

Masaru's phone chirped "Huei says that he has a cousin that recently opened up a shop nearby and we should go check it out."

"A shop? I guess we could pop in and see" Tensei crawls over to his duffle bag "Let me change my shirt real quick, I don't want to get clowned for wearing a button up and glasses."

"See? You're loosening up!" Masaru encouraged as he stood up "I'll just write a note for my dad and we'll be set!"

The boys met up at the shop after a short walk.

"Wait, this is a tattoo parlor!" Tensei freaked out "You said shop Huei!"

"Yeah, same shit" Huei shrugged as he walked toward the front door "Relax Tensei, my cousin isn't going to do any work on us. He just needs a few bodies to fill the space to attract clients."

Masaru and Tetsu walk in casually while Tensei follows after very stiff. The inside was very 90's style grungy and aesthetically pleasing to the boys.

"Yo! It's my lil cuz Beni!" greeted the shop keeper "Are these your little band members?"

"Hello Maito, yes these are my band members" Huei peered over to the opened boxes behind the glass counters "You're still unpacking things?"

"Nah I just got my order of piercings but it looks like I have to return them" he pointed to one of the boxes "They're fine except I got a bunch of curved ball piercings when I ordered the straight barbells." He sighed "It's gonna suck because half of my services are piercings and I won't have all my materials. But what can I do?"

"May I see the curved ball piercing?" Tensei asked politely.

"Um sure dude” the shop keep handed Tensei the metal piercing.

Tensei looked it over carefully “And may I see what a straight barbell looks like?” The shop keeper gave him the one he had on display “Oh these are the same gauge, it’s an easy fix.”

Tensei used his quirk to straighten out the curved piercing. Leaving the shop keeper speechless and the boys wide eyed.

“Wow! You have metal powers” gasped as the shop keeper picked up the fixed piercing from Tensei’s hand “Absolutely flawless! Can you do that to all these? I promise to make it worth your time.”

“Um sure” Tensei stretched his arms “I have time to kill. I won’t take too long.”

“Yay Tensei to the rescue!” cheered Masaru “Your loosening up bro!”

It literally took Tensei 20 minutes to straighten out the piercings for the shop keep to sanitize before putting them on display. All the while the shop got some traction. 

“Thank you so much lil dude” bowed the shop keep “As thanks, how would you like a piercing, on the house.”

“A piercing?” Tensei pondered “Don’t I need parental permission to-”

“Just get the damn piercing you nerd!” Huei huffed “Seriously Tensei, loosen up and do it! When will you ever get the chance to do something like this again?”

“Yeah! Do it Tensei!” egged on Tetsu “I think it’ll look so cool on you.”

Tensei looked at his friends “Oh okay! I’ll get one.”

“Cool, just sit over here and I’ll get my tools” gestured the shop keep as he put on some gloves “So where do you want the piercing? I’d say you have the eyebrows for a super sick eyebrow spike.”

Tensei thought about it for a moment “On the bellybutton, that’s a thing right?”

The boys gasped.

“Why there?” asked Masaru.

“Why not? I figured that if I want to hide it from my parents, I should get it somewhere I could easily do so” Tensei explained as he got prepped for the piercing “Plus I can’t go to my mock trials with a visible piercing, I wanna be professional until the shirt comes off.”

“Excellent choice my dude” said the shop keep as he clamped the area for the needle “I need you to take deep breaths and relax, this might hurt a bit.”

Tensei looked away and did his breaths. But it was over in a matter of seconds and there was his first piercing.

“Oh wow that wasn’t bad at all!” Tensei said getting up to look in the full length mirror “Wow....who am I?”

Tensei was slowly spiraling into a crisis. He didn’t regret the piercing! It just changed his perception of himself. In fact, he feels more himself with this on and it was making him question a lot of things. So when it came time to go home, he sped to tell his twin what he did.

“Rosa! Okay, okay, okay” he said quickly before calming down a little “I did…a thing…wait- Iwa? When did you get home?”

“I got here late morning but whats the haps lil bro?” the older brother asked “You look like you landed in a trash heap.”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that happened” he said closing the door behind him and locking it “But back to the thing I did. PLEASE don’t tell mom and dad! Because I’m still very fresh from the thing I did and I’m still processing it.”

“Okay just spill it” Hanaka was getting annoyed “You keep saying thing like you don’t know other words! What thing did you do on your sleep over with the boys?”

“This” he lifted his shirt up to his chest, revealing a belly button piercing.

Tensei watched as his brother and twin’s eyes bulge out in shock. They never expected goody goody Tensei to do something like this.

“What the- where in Japan did you go to get pierced?” Hanaka asked genuinely “Those jewelry places don’t let you get one without adult permission if you’re under 16.”

“Don’t get mad, but one of my band members has a cousin that’s a tattoo artist and does piercings at the place they work at” Tensei started to get red faced “Sooo I showed him that I could fix his little barbel piercings for free when the boys and I walked into his shop for fun… And he gave me this as payment.”

“Tensei! You got this i l l e g a l l y?!” Iwata harshly whispered “Why did you agree to it?”

“Yeah! It’s not like you to do those things” Hanaka scowled in concern “What’s gotten into you lately? Ever since you came back from Nationals, you’ve been acting different.”

Tensei pulled down his shirt and sighed “I’m sick of being praised of being as good and law abiding like dad. I’m nothing like him inside! I’m not some capri-wearing rectangle!” he huffed “I’m way cooler, smarter and talented then people give me credit for. I don’t need the signature quirk to make my way in this world! And I wanna change my image so people take me seriously…no more orderly Tensei, I wanna be anarchist Oro!”

Hanaka narrowed her eyes, like she was shooting needles into her twin’s soul “Is this because you lost and can’t accept the L?”

Tensei turned red and scrunched his nose “No! I’ve already grieved over that and took and L” he crossed his arms “Nationals was just a tiny part of the whole reason.”

“What?” Iwa was lost in this timeline of events.

Hanaka leaned over to Iwa and whispered “Tensei cost his team majorly on all his debates. So bad that the team barred him from going to more debates this season and has to prove himself all over again to get back in the top 3 teams at school.”

“Oof that’s some sad boi shit” Iwata winced at the recap “It’s okay to still not be over that L, you don’t have to spiral like this.”

“Well it’s too late, I got the damn piercing already and planned the next one” Tensei took a deep breath “I’ve been wanting this for a while, to just rebrand and have respect as my own identity. Not some clone of my father or just be the ‘other’ Iida twin. But until I take the next few steps, please don’t tell our parents about this. I want to tell them myself when the time comes.”

“Okay sure” his twin and older brother agreed.

Tensei turned to open the door “Thanks guys, it means a lot to me that you support me.”

Crisis averted...for now.

-Mock trial day-

Tensei took time to get dressed up in his nice suit and fixed his hair. But he couldn’t help but to look at himself in the mirror and not like what he saw. All he saw was a spitting image of his father and every male in that side of the family that had a portrait in the lineage hall. Same eyebrows, eyes, hair type and jawline...only difference was that belly piercing. As he put on his glasses and let out a sigh, Hanaka was having her little tantrum downstairs. That was his cue to head out. His twin was upset that she had to go with him to his mock trials, only because she’d be home alone otherwise. 

Halfway through the trials, Hanaka tugged on Tensei’s sleeve.

“I’m bored! I’m going to walk outside” huffed Hanaka “That’s how bored I am!”

“Fine, this next one is my last trial” Tensei glanced at his watch “Don’t wander off! Mom is going to pick us up at exactly 4 and she expects us to be together.”

“Okay DAD!” spat his twin as she turned to leave the multi-purpose room.

Tensei groaned and turned to his debate partner “I envy you so much Tanaka-kun. You don’t have siblings to deal with.”

“I don’t know Iida-kun, I wish I had a twin” Tanaka smiled “It’s like having a built in friend. Hanaka-chan and you must of gotten along at some point.”

“Not since we were babies” Tensei recalled.

While the next trial was going on in the building, Hanaka was biding the time by finding white clovers in the grass area.

“Is that you Hanaka-chan?” 

Hanaka looked around to find the voice that called out to her “Oh, Huei-kun! What are you doing here?”

“I was inside doing volunteer work for the trials” he responded “I’m done now and I was going to head home but it looks like you might want some company.”

“Ummm sure, I was pretty bored in there” Hanaka sat under a tree and held out her harvest of white clovers “Help me make a flower chain!”

Tensei had full view of the two from his spot of the trials. Keeping a watchful eye when he wasn’t speaking or doing cross-examinations. Hanaka was having seemingly normal conversation with her twin’s friend. Both of them have known Huei since elementary school, so he’s to be trusted.

“Hanaka-chan I think that bully was wrong” said Huei “I don’t think you’re ugly or unloveable.”

“My older brother gave me a whole pep talk about it” Hanaka sneered as she did the last knot on the flower chain “I don’t care what that bully has to say anymore.”

“No like, I think you’re pretty”

Hanaka stopped what she was doing. Something about the way Huei said that didn’t settle well in her.

“Huh? What are you saying?” she looked up at his face, showing her discomfort.

“Aw don’t hurt my feelings like that Hanaka-chan” Huei responded in a flirty but creepy way “I’ve always liked you.”

Hanaka stood up quickly “Stop, you’re being creepy.”

The boy loomed over Hanaka “But I love you Hanaka-chan.” He grabbed her by the arm “I know you want to fall in love with me too.”

“No I don’t! I don’t like anybody” Hanaka tried to loosen his grip “Let go of me you weirdo!”

Tensei caught the moment Huei grabbed Hanaka. Knowing his twin’s faces, he could tell Hanaka was in trouble and wanted out. Hanaka was in her own dilemma, she doesn’t want to use her fire and cause another accident. Nor hit her twin’s friend knowing that Tensei will get mad at her for doing so. Tensei stands up to make a run for the side door to save his sister.

“Iida sit back down, we’re in a middle of a closing statement.”

Tensei tried to explain “But coach, theres-”

“Sit back down or you’re out of the team” the coach threatened “I don’t care if your sister caused another fire, that’s her problem.”

Appalled but collected, Tensei sits down calmly to give his closing statement.

“Here’s my closing statement” Tensei clears his throat, then does an arm chop “My opponent is using their phone to look up additional sources under the table. This judge is clearly biased and only chooses the affirmative side in every case” He points to his coach “And you coach, I know you’re cheating on your wife with the school nurse!”

The audience gasped at Tensei’s outburst. No more Mr nice Tensei, Anarchist Oro is here to make his debut. As he got up to leave he turned around one last time.

“Oh and one more thing” Tensei flashes both of his middle fingers to everyone in the room “This school administration is garbage and can suck my ASS!” He gave a forehead salute “Tensei OUT!” and teleported outside.

Hanaka was basically pinned to the tree at this point.

“I said knock it off!” struggled Hanaka.

Huei grabs her chin “Come on don’t be a tease!” he growled “Give me a kiss Hanaka-chan.”

Tensei ran at full speed and tackled Huei off his twin.

“Tensei!?” Hanaka gasped at his display of heroism.

“What the hell man?!” Huei yelled as he picked himself off the ground “Can’t you see I was having a moment?!”

Tensei wasn’t holding back “I trusted you Beni-kun! After all these years of friendship, starting a band together and letting you in our home. This is how you repay us?!” he stood between his twin and Huei “You dare to take advantage of my sister? My twin at that!”

“It’s not like you were going to do anything about it! She didn’t even try to push me off” Huei tried to get closer but Tensei didn’t let him “Oh you’re a tough guy now that you have your little piercing huh? Come on then, hit me!”

Tensei gritted his teeth “You’re out of the band! And I never want to see you near my sister or any of her friends ever again.”

And before Huei had the chance to speak, Tensei sucker punched him so hard that Huei was knocked out cold. The side door slammed open and the sound of his coach yelling for him to get back inside. Instead of obeying, Tensei grabbed his twin by the hand and started running toward the front gates.

“What are you doing?!” Hanaka asked as she was being dragged along, confused by her twin’s actions.

“What does it look like?” Tensei responded, picking up more speed “We’re getting outta here!”

Hanaka looked back and saw the school administrators were catching up quick. She activated her engines and took the lead, dragging Tensei along. She ran for what seemed just minutes and collapsed in a patch of grass.

“Where are we?” Tensei asked, rubbing his eyes.

Hanaka said out of breath “We’re...in the...park.”

“The park?!” Tensei looked around “Hanaka, that’s like 5 miles away from the school!”

“So? We were running away” Hanaka turned her head to face Tensei “We were going to get caught if we went your pace. That was the point right? To not get caught?”

“Yes but-” Tensei groaned and threw himself next to her “Man, I don’t know anymore. Who am I anymore? I’m just a huge fuck up now. Not that my silly little problems matter to you Hanaka, you were born perfect.”

“What are you talking about? You’re the one with the talent and intelligence” Hanaka responded “I’m the huge fuck up, look at the mess I started this time. And you swooped in to save me, I know I messed up if you’re involved in my mess.”

“Nah I saw that you needed my help and I just acted on my instinct” he sighed “I offended that entire room Hanaka, just to save you. Trust me, it was worth it.”

Hanaka looked up at the clear sky “You gave up your one chance to redeem yourself to save me? But what are you going to do now? Debate was your everything.”

Tensei shrugged “Guess I’ll do music now.” He took off his glasses and held them up to the sky “I’m going to change into my truest myself, someone I can face in the mirror and be content with what I see. Who cares about what anyone else has to say, not like they cared before!”

“I care” Hanaka responded meekly “And I support you on your self image journey.”

“Thanks Hanaka”

“Hey, it’s what twins are for!” giggled Hanaka as she reached out to his hand to squeeze it “We’re supposed to support each other.”

They laid on that patch of grass watching the sky turn into it’s late afternoon phase. Tensei’s phone started beeping.

“Oh crap, mom is probably at the school looking for us!” Tensei sat up quickly looking at his phone. “FUCK! Now what?!”

“Okay, what if you teleport us home before mom leaves” Hanaka suggested, wiggling her eyebrows “She doesn’t have to know what happened at school if she never makes it there.”

Tensei glanced at the time “Fine, we have 2 minutes before mom would have to get in the car to pick us up.” He puts his phone back in his suit and t-poses “Assume the position sis.”

Hanaka hugs him tightly “Ready!”

“1, 2, 3- JUMP!” they chant before teleporting onto their uncle Jin’s front lawn.

“Close enough” Tensei shrugs “You can let go of me Hanaka.”

“But I wanna keep hugging” pouted Hanaka, still clinging on to her twin “We haven’t hugged in so long!”

The twins walked up to the front door of their home, pretending like nothing happened. 

“Hi mom” Hanaka announced herself to their mother “We’re home!”

“Oh? I was just about to go pick you two up” Their mother said in a normal tone “But I just got off the phone with the school funny enough! You two wouldn’t be accomplices to a string of school offenses would you?”

The twins started to sweat. They forgot that the school could easily call their parents.

“Noooooo” said the twins innocently.

Their mother gave them the look and they tried to run back outside. But alas, their mother used her telekinesis to grab the twins before they could open the door.

“I can’t believe it! Both of you?!” their mother scolded “It would make sense if it was just Hanaka, but you too Tensei?! Telling off the entire room, shouting profanities AND getting into an altercation?!” She faces the little sister “And you assisting his escape by using your quirk?”

“But mom-”

“HUP! No buts!” their mother shut them up “I want you two to kneel facing the front door, so you can tell your father what you did when he comes home.”

“Yes mother” the twins obeyed and kneeled when they got set down.

Their father came home an hour or so later. Shocked by the scene of the twins kneeling and diverting their gaze, clearly guilty of something.

“Both of you did something?!” their father gasped as he took off his shoes “Explain yourselves!”

The twins took turns telling their sides of the story to their parents. 

“...then I teleported us home.” Tensei finished “I know I didn’t have to tell off the entire room but they upset me with that comment about Hanaka. They don’t know what’s going on and what gives them the right to say that the team was my priority?!” he bowed his head “I’ll accept capital punishment, Hanaka didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Well, it’s clear to me that you’re the guilty one” their mother spoke up “But that doesn’t mean you’re going to take all the punishment. Hanaka was an accomplice to your crimes, out in the field we call that the ‘get-a-way driver’ clause. She also gets punishment for helping the criminal.”

“I’m sorry but we don’t have a choice but to administer house arrest” their father nodded to his wife “No travel, no visitors, internet use for homework only and limited phone use. Starting now until the end of summer break.”

The twins didn’t show it but they we fuming internally.

“Yes sir” they uttered and bowed their heads.

After a shower and some screaming into their pillow, Tensei laid in bed face up with his hand out. It was sore from that hard punch that knocked out his ex-friend. He’s never used so much force but this wasn’t adrenaline fueled. It felt like he gathered all the energy from his body to focus on his fist? He couldn’t explain it logically.

“Hey, can I come in?” asked his twin from behind the door.

“Sure.”

Hanaka tip toed in and gently closed the door. She then jumped onto her twin’s bed to hug him.

“I don’t think I thanked you for saving me” she looked up to her twin “Thank you, for caring about me enough. It was pretty heroic of you.”

Tensei chuckled “Heroic? I just did what was right. I’m not a hero.”

“But that’s exactly what heroes do!” Hanaka argued “I didn’t know you had the strength to knock someone out! And for once I felt this admiration for you. Yeah you do good things all the time, but that’s textbook good! What you did was out of pocket, immediate justice!”

“Are you...trying to convince me to become a hero?” Tensei gave her a look “Is my twin, using debate tactics to have me in favor of becoming a hero?!” He was in disbelief “Wow, today isn’t real. It can’t be! I’m going to bed.”

“I’m serious Tensei- DON’T FAKE SLEEP ON ME!” Hanaka started slapping her twin’s chest “Dead ass, you’d be a great one. You know laws and stuff, plus you can control your quirks better than me.”

“Only my metal one” Tensei retorted “I don’t really know how to control my teleportation, you saw when we landed in uncle Jin’s front yard. It’s not exact.”

“But imagine if you could?!” Hanaka wiggled her eyebrows.

Tensei briefly imagined it to amuse his twin “Am I really that much of hero material to you?”

“Yes! Plus the girls and I are going to start training too!” she squealed “We’re going to apply to UA.”

“Hol up twin, you forget that we have our parent’s quirks” Tensei put his finger on her forehead “You’re gonna have to ask dad for quirk training.”

Hanaka deflated of all excitement “Awww wack! No queiro!”

“Pues?”

“FINE! I’m gonna ask dad for help” Hanaka pouted “What are you going to do?”

“Ask mom and Iwa for help. Seems like they had success in quirk training with each other, how bad can it be?”

-The next day-

“Hey mom, what can you teach me about my quirks?” asked Tensei bluntly to his mother, who was trying to relax on the couch.

His mother snapped her eyes wide open and turned her head to face her son “Why?”

Tensei felt like this wasn’t the best way to open up the hero school talk but proceeded anyways.

“Just asking because I was such a late bloomer, ya know” Tensei struggled to keep his composure, afraid of her answer.

His mother sat up “Well you have facet of my quirk and your grandfather’s quirk. Which is rare, considering all the factors.”

“Factors?”

“Yeah, you’re a male telekinesis user with a second quirk AND a twin with supporting quirks.”

Tensei was trying unravel all that “Wait, what do you mean by that second part?”

“Hm? The twin part?” she asked, Tensei nodding his head “As a twin, it’s rare to have both children with quirks, usually one or both are quirkless. I thought you didn’t have a quirk since Hanaka came out breathing fire!” she chuckled at the memory “But I noticed that you had the gold skin tone and knew that you had my father’s quirk. I was so happy that you had it, because it meant I didn’t have to separate you and Hanaka.”

“But what does that mean?!”

“Haven’t you noticed that you don’t get burned by Hanaka’s flames?”

Tensei paused to think “Now that you mentioned it, I don’t!”

His mother smiled “That’s because my father’s quirk has two facets to it, manipulating metal and fire resistance. Most users are born with the gold skin tone, before they show signs of the metal bending part.”

“So I’m immune to my sister’s power?” Tensei looked at his arm “And I wasn’t a late bloomer?”

His mother shook her head “Nope, you were also born with your power. And I feel like it couldn’t be more perfect! But of course, your father gets worried and wanted to separate you two” she sighed “He meant well, but I wanted you two to be in the same crib so you could help your sister control her fire as babies.”

“When what about my other quirk?”

“That was a surprise! I didn’t think you’d get teleportation” she responded truthfully “Thought everyone was going to be a turbo baby. But I was happy that it was teleportation and not my mother’s erasure quirk. We were NOT going to have fun with that in the mix, I’ll tell you that!”

Tensei felt a little more confident in himself “Then, can you train me?”

“What is it this time?” she tiredly sighed “Hero? Agent? Vigilante?”

“Ummmm yes?” Tensei panicked that she picked up on his true agenda.

“Mijo you don’t have to hide or feel ashamed about a change of direction” she floated off the couch “I know you wanted to do Hero Law, but who says you can’t be a hero that does law?”

Tensei’s mind was blown “A hero that DOES law! That’s genius! Yeah! I wanna do that!”

“We’ll do training some other time though” She stretched her arms “When you’re not on house arrest.”

“Right, I forgot” Tensei’s new found excitement was crushed by his current reality. 

Meanwhile, his twin was having less of a good time.

“OF COURSE I’LL TRAIN YOU! OH HOW I’VE DREAMT OF THIS DAY!” cried their father, holding Hanaka in a tight embrace.

“You’re...crushing me” gasped Hanaka against his chest.

“Sorry! Sorry, I’m just so excited that you decided to pursue hero work” her father gushed “You kids are so unpredictable, I would’ve never guessed you want to get into hero stuff.”

Hanaka diverted her gaze “I’m not doing it because of our family name! I’m trying to make a name for myself” she crossed her arms “It’s not like I have anything else going for me. With quirks like mine, it would be disrespectful not to!”

“Whichever way you’re going, I can help this time” he beamed proudly “Because this time I’m the expert in the quirk.”

“How do you do it?” asked Hanaka, looking at her own engines “I exhausted myself after a short use when I was running away with Tensei. We ended up a few miles away in like, 2 minutes?”

“And is that your best time so far?”

Hanaka nodded.

“From the bruising on your legs, you’re not strong enough to support the kick the engines give” her father presented his engine “You need solid leg support to start any type of quirk training. I started when I was a child by my father and brother, so we have lots to do before those entrance exams!”

Hanaka started to get whiny “Hmph! Wack! Why so much work?!”

Her father put his hand on her head “Yes it’s hard work, but you should know how hard work pays off! And I want you to have all the skills to get to the top of this male dominated job.”

“I do like feminism” Hanaka contemplated briefly “Okay dad, when do we start?”

“Physical stuff after house arrest” he fixed his glasses “We start the study part now.”

Hanaka didn’t have the right to complain, she literally asked for this. To make matters worse, their father kept every single hero book, notes and study guide that he looked at during his school years. So Hanaka had to go through the whole bookcase full of study material to be up to par to someone studying their whole life to be a hero.

The twins take a deep breath and hunker down on their first step into becoming heroes. Both filled new determination and direction, who knows how far they’ll go?!

-Chapter 2, End-

<Previous - Next>  

[yakumtsaki]

Welcome, dear readers, to Part 2 out of 3 of the Union Comeback Season Premiere Episode (title under construction, part 1 here). Right off the bat, let me just admit what everyone is thinking, yes, mass-deleting default replacements was clearly a huge mistake. Looking good in the heart boxers, boys, especially Jojo! Very on brand and not at all ridiculous. On a lesser but equally annoying note, our windows have suddenly turned red while the exterior AND interior of the house are purple. Dark days ahead..

..but not for Goro, who has returned home since running away and is immediately being kicked out again. Good to see you Goro, now pack up your shit, D’vorah won the cat heir position so it’s time for you to move to Melody and Daniel’s farm.

-Well I’m a cat so I don’t have any possessions to pack.

Thank you for providing an example of why you lost the cat heirship via this painfully boring reaction to the news of your defeat.

-No, he’s right, we cats don’t have any possessions to pack.

Omg D’vorah shut up. How on earth you boring flops are Alegra/Ronroneo’s grandchildren AND Sophie’s children I’ll never understand. I’m this close to making Maxx the cat heir and he’s not even a cat.

-Correct, I’m a dog.

Worst group of pets e v e r. 

Oh look who autonomously woohooed for the first time in a century, I guess those base game heart boxers were simply too hot to resist. If one of you gets knocked up a week away from elderhood I’m gonna have a meltdown the likes of which the world has never seen.

-For the love of God, can we get some privacy here?

I’d love nothing more than to give you two bozos eternal privacy by never looking at either of you again, but the headmaster is here for Wulf so put some clothes on-

-WHAT THE FUCK. Why do we keep getting new headmasters instead of the ones we’ve already terrorized into submission?? Now we have to ‘show BJ a good time’ and ‘maybe we could give BJ a tour’, I’d honestly rather give BJ a bj and get this shit over with, I’m tired of threatening headmasters with murder. Hopefully it doesn’t come to sexual favors but if it does, Wyatt, you’re up. 

-Pourquoi moi???

Pourquoi toi still haven’t gotten promoted and toi sleep 22 hours a day, it’s high time toi pulled your weight around here. 

Good, that’s the spirit.

-Bonjour, monsieur Headmastér! I wòuld introdûce yoù to Wûlf but hé is très busý with unpàid çhild labόr.

-Haha, what a hilarious joke, Mr. Union!

-Alright Cinderello, after you’re done cleaning the flooding shower you’re going to need to jump out the second floor window and go study in the crypt, so the headmaster doesn’t see you and ask you any uncomfortable questions about whether I acknowledge you as my son. I have to go help your father charm our guest by giving my trademarked speech on how I never got impregnated by aliens and what a blow it was to humanity’s future. 

-Ok Mr. Jojo!

-For the last time Wulf, it’s not ‘Mr. Jojo’, it’s ‘Mr. Union’. God.

-Ah hello there Headmaster BJ, apologies for my lateness, I was tucking little Wulf in bed because I definitely acknowledge him as my son. As I do all 3 of my children and not just Cyneswith. Ask anyone! But not Wulf or whatshername.. I want to say Shenar? Anyway, now that that’s been cleared up, what are we talking about here? The fact I never got impregnated by aliens and what a terrible blow it was to humanity’s future? I assumed as much.

-Haha aliens?! Well you are just a family of crack ups, does your son share this amazing sense of humor?

-Oh yes yes he definitely does, and he is definitely OUR son, that’s exactly how I view him as well, not solely as Wyatt’s offspring just because he appears to not have a drop of my DNA. I mean who even cares about that? Not me, that’s for certain. Yes, Wulf was just telling me the funniest joke while I was reading Cinderella to him before I put him to bed-

-Man, it’s so hard to concentrate on math with a broken leg from jumping out the window and Grandpa’s disembodied head floating around.

Grandpa’s disembodied head?? 

OH FUCK KOMEI

-What?

Nothing! Looking good! The decision to delete default replacements didn’t affect you in any way!

-Thank god, have you seen Vic with that base game hair? Talk about scary. 

Yes, talk about scary indeed. Do you happen to know if the matchmaker performs the occasional exorcism?

-No idea.

Well she hates me anyway so that was solution was dead in the water. I have to go back to the headmaster fuckery now, but I want you to know I’m really sorry for what Salome did to you. 

-Sό, monsieur Headmastér, the όnly tràck reçord which est bettér than the όne we havé with bébés wόrking, est the oné we havé with our animàls rûnning awaý!

-Oh my.

-He’s joking, he’s joking Headmaster BJ, we’re both excellent pet owners and excellent parents, if you’ll excuse me the phone is ringing-

-Cyneswith darling! An adult bartender is calling for you and he has the Komei face! You might be 14 but he’s clearly future husband material!

-Be right there, daddy!

-Alright, I think I’ve seen enough here.

No you haven’t! Wyatt, take off your robe!

-No need, I’ve made up my mind..

-..you’re obviously a perfect match for our school! 

What the hell? How? Even by our standards we legit didn’t do shit.

-Headmaster Jitmakusol left a very distraught letter regarding your family before he was institutionalized, the gist of it being it is pointless to try and keep you people out of the school, and his successor should simply ‘roll with it’. 

Well ok then! Pleasure doing business with you, BJ.

-The pleasure was all mine, please don’t ever contact me again.

We’ll make sure to be in touch.

In the meantime, Komei has recovered his body!

-Why me? WHY ALWAYS ME? CYNESWITH IS RIGHT THERE

-Sorry honey, we play poker for it every night and Victor won dibs on Cyneswith.

-That’s right, the first one to scare everyone gets ghost-bingo!

Are you fuckers playing ghost-poker or ghost-bingo?

-It’s a hybrid, we have a lot of time on our hands, being dead and all, so we developed an overcomplicated gambling system for our scares. 

Yea ok congrats Victor, now can you fuck off before you actually do kill one of the kids?? They have 10/10/9 energy, they literally never sleep.

-No can do, if you actually kill someone you get Yahtzee!

How many fucking games are involved in this bullshit?

-We told you, we have a lot of time on our hands. SUCK IT VICTOR, I WIN FOR THE NIGHT

Win for the night? Who cares about that, you have Wyatt cornered, go for the Yahtzee!

-Oh, but you said our games were bullshit!

That’s before I realized Wyatt was awake for his allotted 2 hours per day non-sleeping time. Wyatt istfg bro, are you half French-Arab and half panda?

-Pandàs eàt for 14 hourès idiόt, ne pas slèèp.

Well look who knows a suspicious amount about pandas now! Almost like he’s descended from them.

Oh good, everyone’s favorite couple simultaneously has the day off. How about I take you two out for a nice date at Londoste since you’re about 55 years old?

-How about hard pass on that architectural monstrosity of a restaurant and we hang out for 6 hours in our front yard instead?

-Oui, oui! Très blanc garbagè of us!

Well at least we’re not forgetting our roots. 

Alright then, we’ve crossed into white trash territory unironically with the yard pda and we’re also freezing to death, how about we take this inside?

-Non!

-Yes, non indeed! I love how frozen your hands are, dear, it’s like you’re a real corpse!

Oh my G-

-Catch me, Creature!

-Je t'aime, dr. Frankènstèin! 

Ok, new suggestion, how about instead of going inside we visit a nice church?

-How abοùt you lôôk awày, pervertir!

Bold words from someone doing Frankenstein roleplay, and I’D LOVE TO, but the kids are at school and the animals are sleeping, so there’s no looking away from whatever the fuck this is. 

Oh thank god, Cyneswith is back from school and ready to cockblock her parents as always. First time I’m genuinely happy to see you, Cyn.

-Straight A’s again! Ah, we may only have one child but she is THE BEST. Wyatt dear, come here to congratulate Cyneswith and further inflate her ego. Wyatt?

-Why is he ignoring my straight A’s, daddy?! 

-Ugh, he’s probably jealous since everyone is jealous of you, darling. Pay him no mind, let’s go inside so I can give you the diamond tiara I got you for your birthday.

-But my birthday is in four months, what will you get me then?

-A throne to go with it and anything you want from Sihara’s and the other one’s rooms?

-They have no rooms, remember? They both sleep in the crypt.

-Right, well how about I act like I got them presents, give them to you and make them watch as you unwrap them?

-Aw daddy💗

-Je ne pas fèèl bien..

Yes, you’re dying, so it’d be some real Frankenstein shit if you did feel bien.

Is this Komei-clone bartender serious, first he calls while the headmaster is over, now he calls while we’re dying, FEEL THE FUCKING ROOM PAL

..and there we go. RIP Wyatt, it’s been sorta ok having you in the fami-

-WTF HOW ARE YOU ALIVE

-HA. I lièd, I AM hàlf pandà and mon beàr gènes protéct moi! 

GODDAMMIT I KNEW IT. Is that why the one child you gave birth to is your exact clone?

-Oui! Wulf est 1/4 pandà, et toi wènt et namèd him WULF. 

Well, to be fair, not a lot of famous pandas I could have named him after even if I knew. 

-Toi çould hàve namèd him Pandà!

Oh man, Panda Union does have a nice ring to it, especially next to the other names.. ~Shajar~, ~Cyneswith~ and PANDA. Thanks a lot for depriving me of the opportunity by withholding your genetic info.

-Je think Wulf est ontό it.. 

Onto the fact he’s 1/4 panda? I highly doubt that.

Yea nevermind, he knows. 

Oh great, Shajar has brought yet another uggo with a culturally appropriative hairstyle home from school. 

-That’s what you get for letting her out of the crypt.

Give it a rest, Jojo, we’ve had enough of your incredible parenting to last us 10 lifetimes at this point. 

-And then it goes: I send the thunder from the sky, I send the fire raining down, I send a hail of burning ice, on every field, on every town! I send the locusts on a wind, such as the world has never seen, on every leaf, on every stalk, until there's nothing left of green! I send my scourge, I send my sword, THUS SAITH THE LORD🎵

-Great, thank you, Shajar, for singing the entirety of the ‘10 Plagues’ song from The Prince of Egypt 27 times. I’m really sorry but I have to go home now-

-It-was-nice-to-meet-you noogie!

..Shajar, please, PLEASE see a doctor. 

-My sister Shajar may be super popular, spoiled and beloved-

WHAT LMAO

-but I have the friendship of animals and that’s all that matters!

Yea, Cyn, no offense, but it feels like you’re trying to cultivate an underdog Disney princess persona for yourself that is the exact opposite of actual family dynamics around here.

-What makes you say that?

Your tiara and throne vs Shajar sleeping in the crypt come to mind.

-So to be an underdog you need to be a loser?

I mean narrative-wise kinda, yea. 

-Message received. 

No, no that wasn’t a message-

-Yes it was and I got you, loud and clear.

Oh god.

-WHAT? YOU’RE REJECTING ME BECAUSE I’M TOO PRETTY? MY HEART IS BROKEN! I DON’T THINK I’LL EVER GET OVER THIS

-Uh, who are you again? Shajar invited me over, ordered a pizza and has been hiding in the bushes for 1 hour waiting to noogie the delivery guy. 

-I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT I’M HEARING! I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SING ABOUT THIS IN AN ENCHANTED FOREST FOR ABOUT 3 AND A HALF MINUTES

Jfc, where are the ghosts when you need them. 

-Mommy has dibs on you tonight, Jojo! 

-Mom please no! Your hair is so damn hideous! Just stay in your urn until the default replacement has been put back!

-Ah excellent, I have upgraded my robotic abilities up to cleanbot level! 

That actually is excellent, I really want us to fire Kaylynn. 

-Cleanbots don’t change cat litter. 

..UGH then why even bother, Jojo? The cat shit is 90% of our problems, make something that fixes that or stop wasting airtime with your nonsense. Istg some people. 

-Alright sis, how about we go out again tonight and ~play the field~? If I get rejected by a couple more mean boys I can earn my underdog princess badge!

-You are so stupid, Cyneswith, if you want to earn your underdog badge all you need to do is board a doomed ship, Titanic style, and then give the floating door to someone you’ve known for a couple of days while you selflessly and pointlessly drown in the freezing ocean despite the fact you could take turns sharing the door.

-But then I would be dead.

-I know right? Everybody wins. Let’s go get you some tickets.

Yea, let’s not, but let’s get out of here because the ghosts are out of fucking control and you two aren’t sleeping anytime soon.

-Shaj-and-Cyn-in-da-club noogie!

Shajar FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, ENOUGH. 

OMG IT’S SOPHIE MIGUEL. SOPHIE MIGUEL IN THE HOUSE

-Whaddup dildos, ‘tis I, Sophie fucking Miguel, the meanest townie teen there is. I’ve only taken 4 steps into this place and I can already tell I’m surrounded by a bunch of beta turbocucks. 

SHAJAR GO TALK TO HER!!!!!

-HEY BITCH, I’M NOT A BETA TURBOCUCK, I’M ALPHA AS FUCK. I’M NAMED AFTER SHAJAR AL-DURR! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS?

SHAJ WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, WHAT IS THIS APPROACH

-Of course I do, the first Mamluk Sultana of Egypt. Nice. 

OMG THAT SHIT WORKED. LAND THE PLANE SHAJ

-Ohhhhhhhh😍 Do you want to talk some more?? Do you like the 10 Plagues song from the Prince of Egypt???

-Nop, as suddenly as I came into your life, I’m dramatically getting the fuck out for no discernible reason, cause that’s just how I roll. Gone with the wind, baby! I’m like an outdoor cat. You’ll never see me again.

-Oh but I will..

YES YOU WILL SHAJ. I’m so on board this particular Titanicesque crackship that it’s un.real. I mean Sophie Miguel literally came into this place, talked to Shajar for less than one minute and then left the bar entirely, in turn leaving us dick in hand. What.an.icon.

In the meantime Cyneswith.. did this. Game-changing night for everyone!

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas : OFA, take 2

Also on AO3!

TL;DR: 

Hizashi Midoriya has a son named Izuku. But his name isn't Hizashi and that boy isn't his son.

(AFO, with the help of a cloning quirk and a lot of scientific curiosity, decides to give his brother another chance at life. He names the child Izuku and gets all too attached alarmingly quickly)

todays au: all for one is izukus single dad

all might still happens as normal, there is just a lot of silent glaring over the table when he comes over for tea

all might knows its afo, afo knows its all might

izuku has 0 idea, none at all. they sit there and make polite chat and violently threaten each other as soon as izuku leaves line of sight. izuku says he loves his two dads and they are caught between feeling nauseous and heart-warmed.

AFO made izuku,,, with a quirk

“izuku is a freak huh, just not a quirkless one”

AFO ever had a wife or kid but,,

he had a single lock of his little brothers hair

Izuku has the OG ofa quirk but its useless w/o anything else. the ability to stockpile quirks over generations isn’t useful when there is only one of you.

AFO gave him freckles with a face altering quirk bc his lil brother had always wanted them but couldn’t stay out in the sun

AFO dyes his hair bc he thought he could emotionally handle seeing his lil brother but he was w r o n g, so he tries to create a degree of separation between the two

also izu is sickly bc ofa was

afo has loooaddsss of healing quirks so izu is p healthy!

but if he spends too much time away from him,,,

afo wants to give his brother/son a regen quirk but,,, what if he ends up like the first time. he cant survive another allmight. emotionally, he cant handle another betrayal

so he just decides he cant fucking die for the sake of izuku

oh my god the - kanji of izuku's name are perfect for this au

"coming out/being from a certain place" (出?) and "long ago" (久?).

but please: izuku goes to somei bc kacchans a little shit and his dad is loaded because hes like 200 and a criminal

so! iida and izuku good bros!!

izuku is this kinda sickly-thin kid w these big ol' eyes and soft green hair and tenya is like ",,, hess,,, sh ap ed,, like frie n dd"

izuku, ready to cry if someone even looks at him

tenya: I Would Die for this boy

izuku is Going to be a hero Even If It Kills Him and boy is tenya scares for his tiny fren but they train together! and izuku is a lot fitter than he looks

also,,, strangely immune to muscle pain the day after training,, hmmm,, i ,,, wonder why

a f o

izuku believes himself quirkless but lies about it to everyone at Somei because he doesn’t want it to end up like Kacchan all over again

until he realises iida is Not Kacchan and will not beat the shit out of him for something he can’t control

so consider he tells tenya he has an analysis quirk and he knows enough about quirks to lie about it Really Well

and his dad is home and tenya is talking about izuku's quirk and hisashi's heart breaks a little,,,

the man has trauma ok!!

so like when allmight shows up and gives izuku OFA hes not even mad

also bab izuku's hair growing out white and hisashi is a p a n i c

izuku doesnt even,,, question why his dad dyes his hair, he just does and has done his whole life

izuku’s actually a little self-conscious of his natural hair colour and dyes it without AFO’s influence. AFO feels bad but he cant handle looking at izuku and seeing his little brother so he doesn’t say anything

kamino ward,,, doesnt really happen

afo really wanted to beat katsuki the fuck up bc YOU HIRT MY BABY

but all might shows up and hes like,,, "fuck i cant kill my sons hero" so they just yeet bakugo at all might and run

and all might is grateful bc he didnt wanna kill izuku's dad

bakugo is just mad

",,, deku was that your dad?" "dont be weird kacchan, why would my dad be here?" "yeah young bakugo why would young midoriyas not a villain father be her e ? /?"

consider one for all flares whenever its near him. like all might cant stop crackling with sparks in a way he hasnt done since he was and 20 yearold in America with too much energy for his body to contain.

Izuku has memories of a past life that appear in nightmares

because him screaming himself awake and afo comes in to check on him and izuku hides from him, because he cant remember his dream but he say the face of his father on the man that killed him

aizawa!

Aizawa is very fond of this problem child but hes going grey in his 30’s because the kid Keeps Running Into Villains

So by the time we get to the USJ izuku isn’t even panicking. Hes been kidnapped around 20 times, been chased by villains more times than he can count and one time a drunk dude punched him in the face for offering him a bottle of water

Izuku doesn’t start to panic until aizawa gets hurt, even then he reins it in, grits his teeth and fights back

Aizawa asks him about it later and izuku tells him

Izuku says it sheepishly, like hes embarrassed he remembered something his father told him, but aizawa is unsettled.

Because that sounds like a villains creed.

Its even worse than in canon, because not only do the league show up (mostly just to keep an eye on him but he doesn’t know that) but anyone the has beef with All for One tries to hurt his “quirkless” “kid”. Even after his quirk shows up hes still a much better target than AFO.

“my dad always told me to turn your fear into anger. ‘How dare they make you afraid?’ Then turn your anger into courage and determination. ‘They will never make you angry again’”

[gizoogletranslateshomestuck]

[A6A6I5] ====>

DIZNAVE: They call me tha black folks president. dizzy DIZZAY: n i T-H-to-tha-izzought our houzes were pointlesslizzle T-to-tha-izzall befizzle DIZNAVE: it jizzay dizzy stop from keep constantly gett'n more n more vertically enormous

DIRK: Shit be downright precipitous at dis point thats off tha hook yo. DIZNIRK: Like, upways.

DAVE: haha yeah DAVE: Bounce wit me. we made siznure as fuck nizzay ta come right out n literally describe that bizzle as tall

DIRK: Hizzy yes. DIRK: Who nizneeds small n serviceable adjizzles whizzen tha mizzost ass-backwards way of ho-slappin' a th'n be R-to-tha-izzight there, tantalizingly hidden witin tha vast ocean of language. DIZZIRK: Like a treasure 'n a huge shitty clizzam.

DAVE: we be way on tha same pizzay philosophically here

DIRK, betta check yo self: Whizzle be surprize' by dis so show some love, niggaz! DIZNIRK: Zero thugz, be who cuz I'm fresh out the pen.

DAVE: sounds like a C-L-to-tha-izzub fo` baller ta me DIZZY: Listen to how a motherfucker flow shit. tizzy luckizzle they dizzle have any memba, otherwize theyd all be lame as hell

DIRK: Yeah.

DAVE: so uh DAVE: why do tha houzes nizzle ta be so tall again DAVE: i neva actually understood that DAVE like a motha fucka: except ta reach tha gizzles bizzy once we all figured out hizzy ta fly n shit that became so pointless

DIZZLE: Yizzeah. Fo'-fo' desert eagle to your motherfuckin' dome. Afta a wizzy 'n tha game, build'n kind of stopped matter'n. DIRK: Except near tha end doggystyle. Spendin' them ta tha top be jizzay a point of completion. DIZZAY fo yo bitch ass: Tizzy you dump tha grist rizzig on top of it, apparizzle. DIZZIRK: That lets tha ballin' spray out all tha grist frizzle tha hoard 'n tha planet ciznore, K-to-tha-izzind of like a hiznuge oil dizzle I guess. Aint no killin' everybodys chillin'.

DAVE: oh DIZZY spittin' that real shit: hizzle d-ya know dis DIZZLE: do you guys hizzay like a manual or

DIRK: I'm in communication wit Arquiusprite. DIZZIRK: He frontin' on it now, know what im sayin?

DAVE: so yiznoure 'n communication wit hizzy like... Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up. DAVE: RIGHT niznow?

DIZZY: Yes. DIZZAY: Vizzia mah shades bitch ass nigga. DIZZIRK but real niggaz don't give a fuck: Whizzay he incidentally used to be. DIZZY droppin hits: Like, as a computa, which he lived inside as mah Auto-responda. Bow wow wow yippee yo yipee yay.

DIZZAVE: right DAVE: n DIZZY: Listen to how a motherfucker flow shit. uh DAVE: wizzy yeah yeah baby... did you mizzle that th'n again DAVE now motherfuckers lemme here ya say hoe: nizzle thizzat you eva tiznold me befizzle DAVE: I thought i told ya, nigga I'm a soldier. 'again' be just like a stammering tack-on ta that sentizzle so as to try n niznot sound too fuck'n rizzle

DIRK: I D-to-tha-izzon't thiznink it a riznude question. It perfectly fizzy ta wanna be gangsta what wizzle go'n thrizzay mah heezee when I made him. I started yo shit and i'll end yo' shit. DIRK puttin tha smack down: I've spent a lot of tiznime saggin' abizzle that myself.

DIZNAVE: Yippie yo, you can't see my flow. so yizzle jizzle DAVE: straight up programmed a copy of yo' brain

DIRK cuz its a pimp thang: There was some programm'n involved, but also a bit of cheat'n, through tha mapp'n of a captchalogued ghost-imprint of mah B-R-to-tha-izzain. DIRK: I guess P-to-tha-izzart of it wizzay just 'bout try'n ta understand mizzy. DIRK: But I don't think I wiznould hizzay put it that wizzay at tha time. Fo` a while I insisted he wizzay meant ta be a "dizzle partnizzle" or some horseshit. DIZNIRK: I was pretty young, and had some stupizzle idizzles mah nizzle. DIRK: 'bout irony 'n particular. Biznut also a liznot of mizzle faux-intellizzle thoughts on a W-to-tha-izzide variety of tizzles. DIRK: Like philosophy, conscioizzles, programm'n, identity, history, ancient pop-culture... really it rizzay tha fizzy gamut of pretizzle. DIRK: Not thiznat I D-to-tha-izzon't still fizzind T-H-to-tha-izzat stuff pimpin'. I'd just L-to-tha-izzike ta think I'm somizzle less full of shizzle 'bout it all now keep'n it real yo.

DIZZAVE: yeah me tizzle DAVE: i mizzean, about mah interests n stuff

DIRK: Creat'n hiznim was an interest'n exercize I guess, but poser tha Y-to-tha-izzears I cizname ta see his development as one of mah bizzle mistakes cuz I'm fresh out the pen. DIRK from tha streets of tha L-B-C: He sort of turned into a monsta. Fo'-fo' desert eagle to your motherfuckin' dome. But I C-to-tha-izzould neva dippin' myself ta git rid of him, or even really blizzay him fo` bein an asshole, coz he wasn't actually that diffizzle from me. DIRK: Like, by defizzle in tha hood. DIRK: Keep the party crackin while I'm steady rappin. He sizzy alrizzle as Arquius though. At lizzay it keeps him busy, obsess'n ova hiznis muscles, bustin' fo` milk and shizzay lizzike that.

DAVE: hmm DAVE: i gizzuess i started some projects i regrizzle DAVE: but nothin lizzike mak'n a mizzle wizzle eventually exist DAVE: it S-to-tha-izzounds fucked up bizzut be also kind of an off tha hook story 'n its own wizzy

DIRK: I guess so.

DIZZAVE: maybe im lucky i wizzle neva thizzat G-to-tha-izzood wit playa DAVE: niznow computa ART thats a different story DAVE: ok it actually isnt i fuckin suck at that tiznoo DAVE: bizzut dammizzle i try mah best and make sizzle magic happizzle at least in mah own mind so mizzay thats gizzood enough

DIRK: It certainly worked out fo` yizzou 'n mah univerze.

DAVE: yeah DIZZLE: i mean DAVE: i DIZZLE captchalogue mah own G-H-to-tha-izzost B-R-to-tha-izzain once biznut i didnt knizzow what ta make of that n thizzought it wizzle kinda wizzy so that neva really W-to-tha-izzent anywhizzle DIZNAVE: probably fo` tha best

DIRK: Drop it like its hot. It definitely be to increase tha peace. DIRK: Tinker'n wit yo' own mind, or identity or rappa... Bow wow wow yippee yo yipee yay. it a dark road ta go dizzle. DIRK: Thiznere be enough splinta of everyone runn'n around out there as it be, jizzay as a natural byproduct of our reality. Subscribe nigga, get yo issue. Fo` me 'n partizzle. Probably fo` you too, as a time playa. DIZZLE: Keep the party crackin while I'm steady rappin. That process doesn't need to be encourage' or fizzle with.

DIZNAVE: fo` real D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: mah bro did coo' things wit computa too DAVE: i mizzay nothin like mak'n a clone of hiznis bizzy or nothin' trippin' thank god DAVE: jiznust S-to-tha-izzome absurd bullshit wit wizzy bots n stuff mostly ta help prop up hiznis various "enterprizes"

DIRK fo' sho': You miznean tha pizzay S-T-to-tha-izzuff?

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: yeah DAVE: but wit puppets of courze DAVE: it wizzay always 'bout tha puppizzles DIZZY so sit back relax new jacks get smacked: Naturally. DAVE: he made all theze porn bots that wizzould just talk to each otha 'n a chatrizzle endlessly D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: Its just anotha homocide. all like gettin each otha riled up 'bout squishizzle bottoms n whatnot DAVE now pass the glock: actually it was pretty blingin' ta wizzay thiznem go at it fo` H-to-tha-izzours DAVE: i tizzy they may have been frontin' on tha threshold of SUM-M SUM-M resembl'n sizzle awareness like a motha fucka? DAVE: Aint no L-I-M-I-to-tha-T. except they onlizzle seemed ta apply thizzle faculty ta reach even more heightened states of sexizzle excitement fo` a B-to-tha-izzunch of nude soft puppets

D-TO-THA-IZZIRK to increase tha peace: T-H-to-tha-izzat sounds... DIZNIRK: Oddly blingin'. DIRK like a motha fucka: I mean, not ta say he wasn't still a D-to-tha-izzouche paper'd up. DIZZLE: But as a pastime, cultivat'n a group of earnest, erotic puppet-lov'n chatbizzles sounds so much mizzay relaxing thizzan painstakingly construct'n a versizzle of yo' own briznain, n then argu'n wit it fo` years thereafta. D-TO-THA-IZZIRK: Almost liznike ballin' ta a little fliznock of pigeons doggystyle.

DAVE: yeah you know he dizzay sizzy coo' th'n DAVE: it wasnt necessarily all inherently terrible DIZZY: ho-slappin' i wizzould rizzle apprecizzle unda pusha circumstances DAVE: he definitely had a lot of drizzle n also some uh "ideas" that warranted a certizzle amizzle of respizzle i guess DAVE and yo momma: he just DIZNAVE: maybe shiznould not have bizneen allowizzle niznear a C-H-to-tha-izzild? DAVE: sall im sayin

> [A6A6I5] ====>

[geekade]

Geekade Top Ten: Worst Mega Man Robot Masters

Last year, Jonathan and Kris put together their lists of the top ten Mega Man Robot Masters. It was quite a diverse lineup, with very little in the way of crossover between the two. This year, they decided to take a different approach and list off the very worst robot masters. This was arguably a little tougher thanks to there being no shortage of stupid ideas floating around Dr. Wily's brain. Nevertheless, the ground rules were set, and Jonathan and Kris put together their lists. The rules were as follows:

They have to be robot masters from the mainline numbered Mega Man series. No X, Legends, Zero, etc. 

None of those weird offshoot titles, otherwise it would probably have just been a list of the robot masters from the Mega Man MS DOS games.

They have to be from the "Something Man" category. We all know characters like Buster Rod G and Mercury are pretty silly. No need to mix them in with the rest of them. 

So, with those rules in place, we present to you, the worst Mega Man robot masters.

Jonathan’s #10. Toad Man – To be perfectly honest, I’ve got nothing against Toad Man’s stage, music, or the weapon obtained from him – it’s his design and the actual fight against him that are ridiculous. How threatening is a robotic toad?! What function do those warts on his head serve other than to say, “Hey, I’m gross and unlovable”? Other than the warts, he’s just a fat, green robot master. Toads have pretty long tongues, so where is this guy’s mouth? Wily must have pulled a Deadpool-in-Wolverine on him. Just don’t lick his belly and you’ll be fine. Speaking of his belly, he moonlights as a friggin’ belly-dancer. Watch out when he starts shaking that tummy, because it’s going to rain. Yep, the designers of this game figured that in order to make Toad Man’s “Rain Flush” activate, homey should swing them hips. But all of that can be avoided, because if you stay close to him and rapid-fire on the guy, he’ll just jump back and forth and this battle will be done in no time, and thank God for that.

Kris’s #10. Bubble Man – I can honestly say I’ve never seen Toad Man dance. I think I’m better off because of it. My #10 goes to Bubble Man. Bubble Man gets a lot of flak and deservedly so. At the end of the day, he’s kind of useless. Sure, his weapon is the only thing that can take down Dr. Wily, but as Alton Brown says about kitchen equipment “What else does it do?” A fat lot of nothing, that’s what. So why is Bubble Man so low on my list? Are there really 9 worse robot masters than him? Actually, yes, and I’ll tell you why. His design, stage, and music are all top-freaking-notch. If you judge him based on his appearance alone, he’s a pretty cool-looking character. His rotund nature doesn’t exactly do him any favors, but his face, webbed feet, and giant, seemingly-pointless red jewel thingy on his chest are cool. He’s even got a cannon on his head! In the hands of someone other than Wily, Bubble Man could have been a contender. His stage is one of the all-time classics in the series, from the awesome looking waterfall to the gigantic shrimp-barfing fish, to those annoying little frogs. Because his battle is basically a joke, he just barely beat out Pirate Man for my #10 spot, but while he sucks, he’s not the worst.

Jonathan’s #9. Sword Man – Oh Bubble Man, if you aren’t the Aqua Man of Mega Man games (wait a second…). Anyway, are you ready to get really bored during a robot-master fight? Bring a book and a snack, because the battle against Sword Man requires almost no effort. For a guy named Sword Man, shouldn’t he use his sword a bit more during the battle?! There’s just so much wasted potential here. His spinning attack is really the only threat, as long as you stay far enough away from him, but Mega Man can slide right under it! Well isn’t that convenient?! Stay on the other side of the room, shoot your lemons, and you’ll be fine. Allegedly, the reason that his body is split into two parts is because he’s too top-heavy, therefore the top portion has an anti-gravity device in it so he doesn’t constantly fall over. If that sounds stupid, it’s because it really, really is. Plus, the weapon you obtain from him sucks. Stand in place and swing a fiery sword! IN A SHOOTING GAME! And guess what the final boss’s weakness is?! His music and stage are both cool, but this guy’s design and battle are too flawed to overlook.

Kris’s #9. Centuar Man – Yeah, you’ll be hearing my thoughts on Sword Man in a minute. Where do I begin with Centuar Man? I mean, what’s the freaking point of this guy? Apparently, he was a tour guide before Wily weaponized him. I’m sorry, what? Somebody made a tour guide that looks like this? What kind of museum was designed to have a tour guide this gigantic and obtuse? He’s the size of a horse! And what’s his tail made of? Did Wily go out and get actual horse hair to make his tail? Why is that even there? There isn’t one single practical part of this guy’s design. Yes, he looks cool, but the best robot masters look cool in addition to being, you know, functional in some way. His stage is filled with some of the most boring music in the franchise, completely non-threatening pelican robots who spit robot fish at you, and Centaur Man himself has some weird time-altering powerup that isn’t exactly dripping with sense-making. I suppose the part where the water is on the ceiling and you have to jump through it is cool, but Centaur Man doesn’t deserve any credit for that. He can’t even jump! What kind of horse-man can’t jump??? He’s dumb and I’m done talking about him.

Jonathan’s #8. Bubble Man – Not to mention, "Centaur Flash" just sounds dirty and illegal! On to my #8. You had some excellent points about Bubble Man that I agree with – his stage and his music are excellent, but his design just irks the hell out of me. On the stage-select screen, that cannon on his head looks like a weird, limp, green penis, and why would Wily build an underwater robot master who needs goggles?! His attacks and his movements during the fight are laugh-out-loud funny. This guy has to slowly float himself down to the ground after unleashing a few bubbles and some underwater lemons because he can’t even move smoothly through water. As the first water-based robot master, bubbles are the scariest thing they could come up with?! Even a robot master named Water Man could imply drowning, but for me, bubbles mean the possibility of a bubble bath, and that’s just a good time for everyone. Except for Bubble Man, because he’s awful.

Kris’s #8. Gemini Man – What is this guy? I mean, what even is this guy? Gemini Man? He’s got a really slow laser and can make shoddy clones of himself. Why is he covered in pointy crystals? Are they even crystals? What do they have to do with Zodiac signs? Am I missing something here? This guy’s existence has confounded me since he first arrived in Mega Man 3 and his stage is no different. Yes, it’s a pretty great stage in the grand scheme of things, but it’s constantly changing colors, it’s got gigantic penguin robots with cranks on their heads (which also happen to shoot smaller penguin robots at you), and let’s not gloss over the tadpole looking things that hatch out of those egg things all over the level. WHY ARE WE HATCHING TADPOLE ROBOTS OUT OF EGGS? Why is any of this here? Why would anyone go to the trouble of building an area like this and why on earth would a self-proclaimed narcissist like Gemini Man hang out there? I…I’m just at a loss. I don’t understand. He does have redeeming qualities, so he’s not higher on the list, but what the actual hell, Wily?

Jonathan’s #7. Blizzard Man – I suppose naming him the cigarette-smoking Cancer Man would just be too risqué for Capcom. Bunch of prudes. Ready for an extremely impractical robot master?! Blizzard Man is a giant snowball and his feet are skis! If the snow melts, he’s useless. Worst of all, his name is complete false advertising. Nowhere in his stage is there a blizzard and this robot master can only cause 4 snowflakes to materialize at a time, which then move slowly toward you. On what planet is something like 4 snowflakes actually a threat?! (maybe on planet “this robot master sucks”) Guess what weapon you obtain from him?! Those 4 snowflakes! His only other attack involves him curling up into a ball and rolling himself at you. So…jump. His stage is very unoriginal; the whole ice motif has been done before and since, to much greater effect. And what the hell are time bombs doing in Canada?! Seriously, what is that all aboot? His stage music is ok, but Blizzard Man is definitely one robot master that should melt like snow in June.

Kris’s #7. Sword Man - You wield some valid points, not the least of which involve how dumb Sword Man is. I honestly think this idiot is the only Robot Master that manages to make another robot master crappy simply by existing. Like you said, his design is absurd, especially given his name. Sword Man should be imposing! Sword Man should be about more than sword, singular. Sword Man shouldn’t have to be segmented because his sword is too heavy. Sword Man should be awesome. Sword Man isn’t. As I was saying earlier, it’s like Wily over-corrected when he made Blade Man (that dude’s got like 50 swords sticking out of him and he didn’t need to be segmented for balance!), presumably because he saw how crappy Sword Man was and realized his error. Sword Man sucks and so does his flame sword (except in Smash Bros.). NEXT!

Jonathan's #6. Drill Man – The music has such an irritating pitch to it, I want to shove a drill into my ears to make it stop. Can someone explain to me why you need to hit a switch to make platforms magically appear? What does that have to do with drilling?! And ladybugs! Those goddamned ladybugs! I absolutely hate everything about Drill Man’s level. As someone who loves Crash Man, not liking this guy’s design says a lot. The drills where his hands should be look awkward and nothing about the drill on his head spells intimidating. He looks like a doofus with a dunce cap. This guy is the real Dive Man, because he constantly buries himself underground and that’s where he should stay forever. Honestly, his design had potential, but was executed very poorly. Ground Man is Drill Man done right.

Kris’s #6. Ring Man – That’s a very good point you wield there about Ground Man. Still, I didn’t mind Drill Man so much. We’ve seen more nonsensical things in stages before (Gemini Man’s stage). Ring Man, on the other hand, throws rings. In what universe is that even sort of harmful? Heck, there’s more potential danger from Bubble Lead than a Ring Boomerang, which itself makes absolutely no sense. Do the folks at Capcom not know how boomerangs work? Ring Man was specifically built for combat, too. Figure that one out. When designing a robot built for combat, covering him in gaudy jewelry isn’t exactly the first thing that comes to mind. I will admit that the whole outer space ring motif for his stage is kind of clever, but those disappearing rainbow/gold platforms can bite me and his stage music blows. His design somehow managing to look kinda cool is the only thing keeping him this low on the list.

Jonathan's #5. Plant Man – You've got some good points about Ring Man, but I love his stage music. It’s catchy! Plant Man gets my #5 primarily because of wasted potential, more false advertising, and a laughably terrible fight. His stage is fine and so is the music, although I don’t know why Mega Man must bounce through the forest to get to this guy. While Plant Man’s official picture doesn’t scream intimidating, it looks like he could have some tricks up his sleeve with those spikey vines. Fine, he’s got a stupid flower on his head, but certainly he can do some cool shit, right? Actually, no, he can’t – and that’s why he’s on my list. When you reach him, he doesn’t even look like an accurate representation of his picture, except for that damn head-flower. This guy does nothing but cause some petals to float around him as he jumps around the room, then he shoots them at you. Repeat that until you’ve destroyed him and forgotten about this joke of a battle. Wily could have given this guy a number of other attacks – a vine-whip, poisonous plants that sprout out of the ground that hurt you, but no. Why does such a lazily-designed robot master battle exist?! Then you get that petal shield as the weapon, and the petals don’t even look like petals – they look like infected tonsils. The potential was there and Capcom could not have missed the mark any more than they did.

Kris’s #5. Toad Man - I would have to agree with you about Plant Man’s battle being a huge let-down. But I’m going to have to disagree with you on the severity of Toad Man’s awfulness. Talk about a wasted boss battle, as you stated earlier, this guy’s such a pushover that you’ll likely never see what he’s capable of because he’s such an inept fighter. Seriously? Just shoot him with your regular weapon until he’s dead and he’ll do absolutely nothing to stop you? Where’s the tongue attack? Why isn’t he jumping around the room sticking to walls? His design has a ton of untapped potential, too. He looks like a giant robot toad, which is dumb. But if he was actually lethal like some adorable poisonous toads are, it would be a cool, unexpected trick. Rain Flush is a potentially very dangerous attack too. Imagine if he could do all sorts of other dangerous stuff, and the whole battle against him you have to fear him winding up the Rain Flush and maybe have to hit him a certain number of times before he unleashes it or something. You see that? I just came up with that on the fly, and I basically fixed Toad Man. Squandered potential there.

Jonathan's #4. Stone Man – Well at least we can agree that Toad Man should be Rain Flushed down the toilet. While my previous choices have at least hinted at redeeming qualities, Stone Man has none. Stone Man?! It’s as if the developers thought “Well shit, there’s already a Rock Man, so how about Boulder Man? No, that just sounds stupid. Stone Man, now that’s intimidating!” We did this stage already in both Mega Man 3 and Mega Man 4, why are we doing it again?! I understand that many stage designs get reused, but then there’s his music. It’s got this quick, repetitive, high-pitched sound that makes me wanna scream. Stone Man’s design is extremely plain and boring, and the fight with him isn’t any better. When Stone Man hits the ground and crumbles, everything shakes, but don’t worry, it doesn’t immobilize you the way that Hard Man’s stage did. So what’s the point?! The worst part about this guy is the weapon you obtain from defeating him – the Power Stone. It looks decent when Stone Man uses it, but forget it. This thing spins around at such an awkward angle, it’s impossible to aim and frequently misses whatever you’re trying to hit. At least you know what you’re getting with close-range weapons, but not this thing. Power Stone is always a surprise, the same way a flaming bag of dog shit on your front porch is a surprise. There’s no potential here – Stone Man should’ve never made the cut.

Kris’s #4. Jewel Man – Wow, really? I love Stone Man. I’m not saying you aren’t making some excellent points about his battle, weapon, and the fact that we’ve seen this stage before, but I love his stage music and those little bouncing baby Mets are adorable! But I digress. Jewel Man is dumb. His stage is dumb. It’s full of dumb enemies. The music is dumb. Those infuriating swinging platforms with spikes all around them are dumb. His design is dumb. His weapon is dumb. His battle is dumb. Everything about him is dumb, dumb, dumb. The only thing keeping him from being higher on the list is that nothing about him is overly offensive to me. It’s all just dumb and pretty pointless. Even his name‑Jewel Man. That really strikes terror, right? DUMB!

Jonathan's #3. Spring Man – Yep, I've hated Stone Man since childhood. And fun fact: There’s an embarrassing video on Facebook of me failing at Jewel Man’s level. You make some excellent points about him, but again, I've gotta say that Jewel Man’s music is catchy! Alright, onto the 3 robot masters whose very existences make my blood boil. Everything about Spring Man pisses me off. First of all, I know that not all robot masters are super-intimidating, but this guy looks like a goddamned joke, yet he’s got the most serious face. Stop it, you’re not scaring anyone. That head-bob he does before the battle just screams "I'm single and have no friends." His music, while certainly joyous, is irritating. His stage is annoying, what with all the bright colors and the jack-in-the-boxes that punch you. For a guy allegedly made out of a ton of springs, he certainly moves very slowlyand what’s with the “boing” sound he makes when he jumps?! We get it, homey, you’re Spring Man, no need to overcompensate for your shortcomings. He throws punches extremely slowly and you can kill him with the Noise Crush before the battle even begins. There are definite similarities between this guy and Clown Man, especially in level design and overall theme, but for some reason I love Clown Man and can’t stand anything about Spring Man. Just thinking about this guy makes me wanna break a slinky.

Kris’s #3. Star Man – Yeah, Spring Man is pretty silly, but if you want to talk about robot masters whose mere existences make me angry, one of the first that always comes to mind is Star Man. What a tremendous waste of potential. Think about all the crazy crap you could have done with star matter. Stars are scientifically awesome. So why in the cosmos did we end up with this jackass? There isn’t a single redeeming quality to his design. It’s impractical, hideous, and in no way intimidating. There’s simply no way to be agile with that gigantic metal star on his chest. I have no earthly idea why he’s painted dog-crap brown, and his other decorative stars on his helmet, forearms, and knees give Spring Man himself a run for his money in the silliness department. His stage is crap; the whole low-gravity thing basically makes it just like a water level. His music is crap; containing all manner of sour notes which I guess are supposed to sound “spacey,” but just come off as awful. His battle is crap; he basically just jumps up and tosses his shield at you, like he took lessons from Toad Man or something. And he’s even colored like crap, literally! And just because it bears repeating, we’re seriously going with the spinning shield powerup AGAIN with this guy? Of all the powers that could be derived from stars, this is the best we’ve got? Pitiful. 

Jonathan's #2. Aqua Man – I’ve actually always liked Star Man, but I don’t wanna get you angry. So this was a tough choice, but Aqua Man gets the #2 spot. The only plus that he gets is that his stage looks pretty, but that’s because of the Playstation's capabilities and Capcom's ingenuity, not this bastard. Aqua Man’s music makes me wanna take a nap and drown so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. Really, the music isn’t so terrible, it just does NOT belong in a Mega Man game. The mini boss is infuriating and I feel like some of that fight is just based on luck. The way Mega Man actually swims in this game just doesn’t make any sense. Maneuvering through certain areas of Aqua Man's level is a huge pain in the ass because, for some reason, Mega Man bounces as he swims. So Aqua Man is a water-storage robot who looks like he’s wearing a top-hat. This is so bad, it’s as laughable as it is annoying. And OH. MY. GOD! THAT VOICE!!!! Flamboyancy doesn’t irritate me, this stupid robot master with his offensive, caricature-esque flamboyancy irritates me! You’re not handsome and you’re not cute; stop talking and stop existing. He shoots a stream of water at you that literally arcs out of the way so you can avoid it and then he throws water balloons at you! This son of a bitch stopped by a 5th grader’s pool party to stock up before this battle and then that’s the weapon you get from him! AND IT’S ONE OF WILY’S WEAKNESSES! WATER BALLOONS!!!! Did Capcom think this was funny?! He’s even named after a DC character who’s the butt of every superhero joke! I’ve hated Aqua Man with a passion since I first laid eyes on him and he came so very close to taking my #1 spot.

Kris’s #2. Search Man – Damn, I can’t wait to see who your #1 is! My #2 goes to Search Man. And you know, I’m probably being too hard on the guy, er, guys? I don’t particularly care for Mega Man 8 for a multitude of reasons. Yes, it’s still a very good game and I’ve played through it multiple times. But there has always been a laundry list of issues surrounding this game for me and the robot master designs are pretty high up on it. To my eyes, Search Man is the ultimate example of the overdesigned nature of Mega Man 8’s bosses. It’s like they almost had it with this one. His body follows the classic formula, but they got to the top and said “It’s not complicated enough. Give him 2 heads!” There’s no logical rationale for that. It’s supposed to be because Wily thought having 2 heads would make it twice as smart or some half-cocked theory like that, but it’s all a bunch of bologna. There’s certainly good ideas there, but between his stage hiding a battle with Wood Man in it (Of all the classic robot masters to revisit, we get Wood Man?), his voice being just bizarre, and the whole 2 heads thing, I just can’t get over it. I see this guy and I just want to vomit. Search Man, to me, is one of the lowest points the classic Mega Man series has ever hit. It doesn’t get much worse than him. Well, maybe it does…

Jonathan's #1. Wood Man – Speaking of Wood Man! This was a tough decision, but in the end, Wood Man gets my #1 spot for a multitude of reasons. I’ve disliked this robot master since the age of 6 and my hatred for this guy has only grown over the years. But I’ll get this out of the way first – his music isn’t really bad. It’s got a quick beat and it’s energetic, but I can only take it in doses. The problem is that it’s a short song, so it repeats plenty of times during his stage. By the time I’ve reached Wood Man, I’m already irritated by the music, not to mention the ridiculousness of the enemies in this guy’s stage.

Can someone explain why there are giant dogs breathing fire underground?! This is a stage in a forest, but these dogs are breathing fire! Whose idea was this?! Do they want to burn the forest down with all the other enemy robots in it?! Out of every animal that they could’ve picked to put underground though, they picked giant, fire-breathing dogs. Could those hot dogs have possibly made sense anywhere else in the game, like maybe Heat Man’s stage?! And there are three very bland rooms later in the level each with a single robot bunny who will throw a carrot at you. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS?! If you somehow survive those oh-so-threatening bunnies, watch out for the chicken-run! Leading up to Wood Man himself is an area where a bunch of chickens are getting the fuck away from the bastard as fast as they can.

All of these gripes aside, we then have the shit-stain of the hour – Wood Man. This guy has one of the most boring designs out of any robot master ever. I don’t know who thought that a small tree stump as a helmet would be threatening, but the actual game sprite makes Wood Man’s head look like it has an erection. He’s brown and black and boring! Even the official art doesn’t make him look threatening! And to activate his leaf-shield, homeboy punches his own boobs. That’s right, boob-punching for this guy gets leaves swirling around him. He shoots those leaves at you and then hops ever so slightly forward, and repeats. His short hops coupled with hitting his own wooden man-tits are some of the most comical movements to ever curse a Mega Man game. Cut him down with the Metal Blade or burn him to the ground with the Atomic Fire and be done with him. Anytime that I’ve played Mega Man 2 over the past 27 years, this guy has posed no threat, but that changed last August.

For those of you who don’t know, Geekade held a video game marathon called the Pain-in-the-Ass-a-thong to raise money for charity and Kris challenged me to give Mega Man: The Wily Wars a try. This game includes the first 3 Mega Man games, plus a few new levels, and the idea was for me to get through as much of it as possible in my 3-hour window. Mega Man 1 took a lot out of me, but I’ve played Mega Man 2 countless times, so it shouldn’t have been much of a problem, right? Wrong.

Wood Man shoots his Leaf Shield at you quite often during the battle, but it’s not really a problem to avoid – simply jump over it. In The Wily Wars, his Shield is most definitely bigger, because try as I might, I could not get over this thing without getting hit. I had an extremely difficult time beating this guy during the second battle with him. It took quite a long time, so I had to stare at this ugly, annoying, son of a bitch as he so idiotically hopped closer to me. Those goddamned leaves, man. Those goddamned leaves.

Speaking of those goddamned leaves, I don’t know how in the hell leaves can form a protective shield, but that’s the weapon you get from him. The problem is YOU CAN’T MOVE WITH THE THING! If you so much as tap either left or right, the shield gets shot in that direction, so if you need prolonged protection, you have to stand perfectly still. The problem with that is THIS GAME IS AN ACTION-PLATFORMER! The Leaf Shield takes out Air Man quickly, so that is literally the only use this ridiculous weapon has. I’ve never liked Wood Man, but the Pain-in-the-Ass-a-thon helped solidify my hatred for him. Don’t get me wrong, I’d fight him for hours if it’s for charity, but for all of the above-mentioned reasons, Wood Man is the worst robot master in Mega Man history.

Also, why not have just called him Leaf Man?! Fuck this guy.

Kris’s #1. Aqua Man – I always thought those things were road runners and that’s an excellent point about those dogs. Honestly though, Wood Man isn’t exactly the picture of cool, but he’s never bothered me all that much. This asshole though, bothers me to the highest degree. Every. Single. Thing. About this piece of garbage. Is. AWFUL. Think about this. If you include the Game Boy games, there have been 16 main line Mega Man games. Heck, let’s throw all that weird stuff in there too, like Mega Man Soccer and that weird board game thing. That gets us to somewhere around 30 games and never once has there been a Water Man. Even if we just count the robot masters that had been released up to Mega Man 8, we’ve got Bubble Man, Dive Man, and Wave Man, and instead of calling this walking fish tank Water Man, they go with Aqua Man? Like, the already established DC superhero Aquaman? THAT’S THE BEST YOU CAN DO? And look, I like DC’s Aquaman. I think he’s great. This clown though (no offense, Clown Man) is a piece of shit. I know Jonathan already covered a lot of this asshat’s problems, but let’s run down my list of grievances anyway.

The moment you click on his icon, you get to see the entirety of what you’re up against. He’s a chubby tank of water with what appears to be a top hat. There is not one single thing about his design that is practical, threatening, or cool. Not one goddamn thing. Then he does this weird contortion thing where he lifts one of his legs like he’s a dog about to mark his territory and squeals in a squeaky voice “I’m Aqua Man.” But this is no ordinary squeaky voice. Squeaky voices I can handle. Shit, Toad has had a scratchy squeaky voice since Super Mario Advance and it doesn’t bother me at all anymore. This guy though, he sounds like a sexual deviant. The only way I can properly describe the way he says his name is like he just sexually-assaulted a puppy and he knows he should be ashamed of himself for it, but he can’t help but giggle to himself through the shame because he just enjoyed violating that small creature so damn much. So after that completely unnerving experience, we get to his stageand it’s a swimming level. In a Mega Man game. Not just a water level, but a swimming level. This is just wrong in so many ways, but it’s made even worse by the smooth jazz pumping through your speakers. Yes, the game’s composer likely watched a bunch of Frasier and thought to himself, “I like this show’s music, but I think it would be better if it was about 10,000 times worse and set to a bland Mega Man stage.”

So you finally make it through this obnoxious level with all its dumb spike traps and time bombs and you arrive at the fight against the devil himself. He erupts out of a giant spout of water, strikes a very effeminate pose, and shoots a stream of water in the air that somehow mists a rainbow with the words AQUA MAN on it. In the same deviant tone as used earlier, he proclaims “I’m Aqua Man, but you can call me handsome, guy!” Once you can stop yourself from vomiting, the fight begins, and once he starts moving, you can see how there was a sliver of a good idea here, you know, before it was ruined by all that puppy rape. A heavy water tank jumping around a room creating forceful water attacks has potential. But instead, you get this freak screeching “water balloon” at you as he tosses not water balloons, but just balls of water at you. And then he’s got this water cannon move that couldn’t possibly hurt you. I mean, that kind of goes for this whole fight. You literally swam to get here, and now he’s tossing water at you and it hurts? I could see if he was shooting waves of water at you that were so forceful that you were slammed into a wall or something, but the water cannon is just a slow-moving stream of water. Why can’t I just walk through it? Piss poor design, that’s why.

When you finally blow this wet turd to bits, he exclaims “That was luck,” which is funny because I remember the first time I beat this guy I exclaimed “What the fuck?” and that rhymes. So I guess there’s that. Fun wordplay aside, this guy is a failure in every regard. Wasted potential, squandered ideas, shit design, crappy level, annoying stage music, pathetic weapon, and oh yeah, he’s a puppy-raping sexual deviant machine, the likes of which make leaving my kids alone with Waluigi seem like a sound babysitting strategy. Say what you will about Wood Man, but I’ll take a dumb wood helmet and rotating leaves over this scum any day of the week. 

And there you have it, folks – the worst of the worst robot masters. Were either of us right? Did your least favorite make it onto the list? Was it too mean of Jonathan to point out Wood Man's wooden man-tits? Just how disturbing was it to visualize Aqua Man committing puppy-rape? Let us know in the comments, and here's hoping that the new Mega Man cartoon doesn't suck as much as these robot masters do. 

[gizoogletranslateshomestuck]

[A6A6I5] ====>

ROZE: Dave, we were sort of 'n tha mizziddle of sum-m sum-m hizzle. Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up.

DAVE: 'n tha middle of whizzat

ROZE: A sizzles of heartfelt convizzles of a personal nizzle.

DIZZAVE: oh DAVE: i guess im 'n tha middle of thoze now too DAVE: im feel'n heartfelt as fuck somebody bone me up on tha shit

ROSE: One cizzle simply be boned up on shiznit sizzle as dis. You hizzy ta be there. It dont stop till the wheels fall off.

DIZZAY: C-to-tha-izzome on

ROZE so jus' chill: Wizards, Problizzles, Feelings. It was yo' standard tizzy of twizzo estrange' mutual shot calla. ROZE: Any qizzles?

DIZZLE fo' sho': yes lots

ROZE: Ok. ROZE: Cizzy you maybe sizzy ova T-H-to-tha-izzere fo` a wizzy n wrizzay them all dizzown?

DAVE dogg: um

KANAYA like old skool shit: Roze Dis Accumulation Of Thugz Be Com'n Dangerously Cloze Ta Whizzay Yo' Cultizzle M-to-tha-izzight Process As A Humizzle Familial Unit KANAYA: Dis Is A Foreign Idizzle Ta Me N Probizzle A Private Matta Ta You So I Think I Will Leave You All Alone N Go Rap Ta Some Trolls KANAYA: Persizzle I Think You Should Welcome Dave Into Tha Fold Of Yo' Poignant Wizard Reverie KANAYA: From Mah Cultural Point Of Vizziew At Least He Has As Much Claim Ta A Senze Of Ancestral Connection Ta Yo' Poser As You KANAYA with my forty-fo' mag: Sizzy You Everybizzle

DIZZY paper'd up: yeah dawg kanaya ta tha rescue wit smizzle shizzit ta say as usual

ROZE: Uttizzle destroyed again, by ha superizzle senze of rizzle n decorum fo gettin yo pimp on. ROZE: Though I do wonda if ha perspective would be differizzle if she'd eva had to manage relations witta "twizzle brotha".

DAVE: Anotha dogg house production. ok but who cares 'bout T-H-to-tha-izzat DAVE: so roze DIZZY, ya feel me? its our mom DAVE: hizzey mom

ROXY: hi!!!

DAVE droppin hits: well not mizzle DIZZY: Aint no stoppin' this shit nigga. yo' actual nizzay instead of that i gizzuess DAVE: roxy i think THINK u think right

RIZZLE so jus' chill: mizzy ok tizzoo tho

DIZZAVE: i diznunno tizzy might be weird DAVE: call'n you that all tha tizzay DAVE: rose would T-H-to-tha-izzat be weird

ROZE ta help you tap dat ass: It would probably git a shawty weird. Fo'-fo' desert eagle to your motherfuckin' dome.

DAVE: Throw yo guns in the motherfuckin air. so mizzy DAVE: im jizzay go'n ta jizzle right into tha fuckin fry'n pan hizzy DIZZLE: lizzike tape off a no bizzle zizzle fo` a wizzy DAVE: if thats ok

ROXY: a frying piznan 'n tha no bullshit zizzle?? ROXY: siznounds intizzle ROXY: I'm a mutha fuckin 2-time felon. whizno be mann'n dis pan n who gave him clearance fiznor tha no bs zone

DAVE: captain Serizzles be at tizzy pan n he gots the go-aheezee frizzom lieizzle Dizzy Fuckarizzle of tha Heartattack Armada

ROXY: isnt lieutenant a motherfucka rank than captain ROXY: who pizzy dis diznude 'n charge of such an important pan

DAVE: um i diznont know maybe it be? D-TO-THA-IZZAVE gangsta style: ok like its coo' that you even know that fizzle bizzy dis be exizzle tha kind of fuckery tha no bs zone doesnt cotton ta no matta what sizzorta cookware be involved or whizzle pseudomilitary organization regulates its drug deala DAVE: i jizzle have some questions 'bout you n 'bout stizzle 'n general so ratha than mumble thriznough a conversation that S-to-tha-izzounds mostly lizzle tha stuff we literally just gots done sayin, sizzy though thizzle W-to-tha-izzould be, im gonna machine gat some shizzle at you sippin' rizzound stylizzay

ROXY: a mizzle gat lightn'n rizzound 'n a frying pan! Boo-Yaa!!!!! ROXY: god.........DAMN

DAVE: i know right? DIZZAVE: so DAVE: yizzle be mah biological motha

ROXIZZLE: Fo'-fo' desert eagle to your motherfuckin' dome. yiznes

DAVE: n rozes

ROXY n we out! yes

DIZNAVE: n therefore bear at least partial n lizzike biologically incidental responsibility fo` why we be both so fucked up

ROXY mah nizzle: yes

DIZZAY yaba daba dizzle: but you yourself be a paradox clone

ROXY: um... i guess? You gotta check dis shit out yo.

DAVE: which M-to-tha-izzeans DAVE: yiznou dizzidnt even have bio parents DIZZLE: you originated frizzom yoself

RIZZLE: guess so to increase tha peace!

DIZNAVE: so you really dizzle have anyone ta blame fo` who yizzy be excizzle weirdly n paradoxically yoself

ROXY: um.. y cuz this is how we do it.. yizzes? ROZE, niggaz, better recognize: Dizzave.

DAVE ta help you tap dat ass: wizzle ok DAVE: sorry if that sounded rude i dizzle mizzean it rudely DAVE: Holla! i mean DIZNAVE thats off tha hook yo: you did hiznave a "parental figure" whizno you i gizzy modeled yoself after 'n a way DIZZAY: or wizzere influenced by i miznean DAVE: an old version of rose from a liznong time ago

RIZZLE fo all my homies in the pen: yizzay!

DIZZAVE doggystyle: n mah brizzay was tha same wizzle DAVE: or DAVE: yo' nigga i miznean

RIZZLE: dirk!

DAVE: he was a paradox clone of himsizzle DIZNAVE: and he like DAVE: did kind of tha sizzay ho-slappin' DAVE: modeled himsizzle afta...

ROXY: ... Listen to how a motherfucker flow shit.

DAVE so jus' chill: why dizzont we nizzot rap about dirk DAVE: I'm a mutha fuckin 2-time felon. can we change tha subject

ROXIZZLE: you brought him up!!

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: i kizzy DIZNAVE: i knizzle DAVE: Nigga get shut up or get wet up. look DAVE: i br'n up a lot of th'n DAVE: It dont stop till the wheels fall off. and then have ta back trizzack a lot of those steppin' i br'n up DAVE cuz I put gangsta rap on tha map: cauze sometimes tha mackin' i br'n up be ill advizzle to say or mizzy thugz uncomfortable or M-to-tha-izzake me uncomfortable DAVE: its J-to-tha-izzust a th'n 'bout me

ROXY: ooh! ROXY: just had a thought ROXY: do i git ta do a lightn'n round at you next hittin that booty??

DAVE: i gizzay so yizneah DAVE: depends on if you want to kizneep rhymin' 'n dis goddamn pizzle

ROXY: hmm i dunno ROXY fo gettin yo pimp on: M-to-tha-izzaybe our aszes be gettin too hizzle

DAVE: M-to-tha-izzaybe you should spizneak fo` yoself

ROZE and yo momma: D-TO-THA-IZZAVE!

DIZZAVE: SHIZZIT

RIZZLE: lol

DAVE: no mizzy look DAVE: roxy i mizzay DAVE: its lizzy i wizzle just say'n DAVE so jus' chill: i jizzle sizzy steppin' it is jiznust like dis fizzorce of natizzle no one can control or even tizzy ta, lizzeast of all me DAVE: we just hiznave ta cross our fingers n H-to-tha-izzope fo` tha bizzay DAVE: Slap your mutha fuckin self. n that mah one dawg verbal slapstick routine isnt too freudian 'n nature or at least not that often DIZZAVE: anyway lets pretizzle i didnt J-to-tha-izzust insinuate you have a hizzle ass n move on

ROXY:  in tha mutha fuckin club;)

DAVE: i hizzy sum-m sum-m 'bout wizards DAVE with the gangsta shit that keeps ya hangin: you hells into wizards lizzay roze?

ROXY: YIZZLE

DIZNAVE: Relax, cus I'm bout to take my respect. ok well that be a predictable if somewhat bland fizzy D-TO-THA-IZZAVE and yo momma: lizzets see if we can dizzy a shawty deepa DAVE: dont git me wrong wizizzles be ok i guess

ROXY: oh yeah? wiznell miznaybe YOURE ok

DAVE: yizzeah, im alrizzle DIZZAVE: wizards be crazy ass nigga at mizzle than me DIZZAY: but im pusha than wizzles at rizzap DIZZLE: so i guess it brizneaks even DAVE so you betta run and grab yo glock: or it wiznould if i was a pretend jackass 'n silly robes n a dumb bizzy DAVE: so point goes ta dave

ROZE: Chill as I take you on a trip. (Siznigh.)

DAVE: d-ya like rizzay

ROXIZZLE, betta check yo self: kinda! ROXY: D-to-tha-izzirk loves riznap so i cuz Im tha Double O G...

RIZZLE mah nizzle: ummm hiznaha neva mizzay

ROXY in tha mutha fuckin club: forgot we werent talkin 'bout that

DAVE: wizzell W-H-to-tha-izzat do you like ta do

ROXY spittin' that real shit: i like........... ROXY: Relax, cus I'm bout to take my respect. cats!!!

DAVE: Im a bad boy wit a lotta hos. ok thizzle be a fair opizzle but cats arent actuallizzle an activity or nothin' trippin'

ROXY fo yo bitch ass: theyyizzle kizzle were fo` me though! ROXY: i uh ROXY and yo momma: uze' to cliznone them ROXY: Keep'n it gangsta dogg. i mizzay have um ROXY: gizzle a shawty carry away

DIZNAVE upside yo head: ciznat clon'n huh D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: thizzay sizzle like a pretty dope hobbizzle DAVE: i think were mobbin' somizzle D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: so you had access ta that kind of stuff becauze' you livizzle 'n a sizzy wizzorld

ROXY: Bounce wit me. a scifi wizzay but real niggaz don't give a fuck?

DAVE: yizneah the future DAVE: whizzat was tha futizzle like

ROXY: watery ROXY: fiznulla chess thugz ROXY: Freak y'all, into the beat y'all. lots o pumpkins ROXY: u knizzle

RIZZLE: usual dystopian sizzy

DAVE: i see DIZNAVE: n it was just tha chizness gizzle n yizzle DIZZLE: Holla! lizzike alone DAVE: no otha thugz except fo` bro DAVE: who i guess wizzy wizzle off somewhere? Aint no L-I-M-I-to-tha-T.

ROXY: yup

DAVE: sounds liznike kind of a bumma

ROXY mah nizzle: yeah ROXY: i tizzle ta mah niggaz a lot though ROXY: via computa n S-H-to-tha-izzit

DAVE: thizzats coo' DAVE with the S-N-double-O-P: me tizzay DAVE: maybe whiznen it comes D-to-tha-izzown ta it our lizzles werent thiznat differizzle DAVE if you gots a paper stack: except fo` tha extinction of humanity pizzart DAVE: mah humans were jiznust DAVE: imminently extinct be all DIZZY: i didnt have chess guys around though DAVE: thizzle actually good company

ROXY: yeah!!

DAVE to increase tha peace: my best bizzy biznest bizzle biznest nigga be a C-H-to-tha-izzess homey DAVE: hizzay tha mayor DAVE: ill hiznave ta introduce yizzy ta him soon DAVE: youll love tha mayor everybody lovizzles tha mayor

ROXY: wanna meet tha mayor in tha mutha fuckin club!

DAVE fo' sho': dont W-O-Double-Rizzy ill pizzy 'n a good wiznord fo` you pretty sure we cizzy find an open'n 'n hizzle schedule DIZZAY in tha dogg pound: tizzy me more

RIZZLE: miznore?

DAVE: about you

RIZZLE: damn dude RIZZLE now pass the glock: dis fry'n pan...

ROXIZZLE: sizzy be SIZZLIN

DAVE: fuck yeah DAVE with my hoes on my side, and my strap on my back aside from cat breed'n how elze dizzy you pass tha tizzime

ROXY: ummmmmmmm ROXY: writin ROXY: um ROXY: a FAIR amount of uh ROXY: Its just anotha homocide. lets say recreational liquid intake ROXY: Listen to how a motherfucker flow shit. n uhh ROXY: oh um hack'n

DIZZAY: haha seriouslizzle DIZZAY: lizzle actual hack'n

ROXY: yeah! ROXY: well computa blingin' rly ROXIZZLE in all flavas: hack'n be jizzle W-H-to-tha-izzat u call it ta sizzound cizzy ROXY: It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg. thizzere wasnt evizzle much shit arizzle to "hack"

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: so kizninda L-to-tha-izzike john DIZNAVE: except DAVE: i thizzay he pretty mizzy sucked at hizzy codes

ROXY: hahahizzle reallizzle

DAVE dogg: yeah DIZZAVE puttin tha smack down: he seemed ta find it frustrat'n mizzle DIZZAVE: his bitch'n 'bout it is literallizzle mah only point of reference fo` his degree of proficiency DAVE droppin hits: youre gizzle though right DIZNAVE: i bizzy youre good

ROXY: thizza BEST 8)

DIZZLE: knew it

ROXIZZLE: maybe i cizzy gizzay him siznome pimp on the leet hizzy

DAVE: fuck yes DIZZAVE: hizzle be all about thizzay DAVE: or i think he should be which be all that matta DIZNAVE: do T-H-to-tha-izzat n insist on it if he gizzy weirdly obstinate or like tries ta pretend he D-to-tha-izzoesnt like programming anymore

ROXIZZLE: ok

DIZZY: You gotta check dis shit out yo. what elze

ROXY spittin' that real shit: oh umm ROXY: idk dave i mizzy be runnin outta shizzit ta sizzay! One, two three and to tha four.

DIZNAVE: yizzle siznure

ROXY: iiizzle ROXY: liked to plizzay games?

DIZZLE to increase tha peace: what games

ROXY to increase tha peace: uh mostly... ROXY: tha nintizzles

DAVE: i see DIZNAVE: which nintendos

ROXY: a wizzy bunch of nintendos!! ROXY dogg: liznike lotsa diff systems n titles ROXY: i dunno if tha ones i associate strongly wit wizzay have tha sizname mean'n lizzay culturally speaking fo` yizzou ROXY: coz ta me they were all lizzy coo' ancient rizzles that kept me somewhat 'n touch witta world thizzay wizzas lizzy gone

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: thizzay makes S-to-tha-izzense DAVE: thizzle mostly tha relationshizzle i hizzay now wit garbage romcoms DAVE: Freak y'all, into the beat y'all. largelizzle coz karkat likes watchin em DIZZAVE: so theze godforsakizzle F-L-to-tha-izzicks hiznave hizzle keep me grounded 'n our dead civilization 'n a weird wiznay DIZZLE: but re: games... DIZNAVE: i didnt have nintendos DAVE: You'se a flea and I'm the big dogg. mah brizzay had xbizzox so i played thizzat sometimes DAVE: but he mostlizzle had all theze S-H-I-Double-Tizzy chillin' gamizzles DIZZAVE: n lizzay 20 different tony hawk titles DIZZLE: i would mainly just pliznay T-H-to-tha-izzem ta fuck around DAVE: like find spectacular wizzy to crizzay n flop arizzle lizzay a douchey ragdoll DAVE: or figizzle out ways to git halfway stuck inside concrizzle fixtures n obstacles DAVE: n wizzatch all theze coo' fratty bros T-W-to-tha-izzitch n flop ad infinizzle DAVE: L-to-tha-izzike struggl'n valiantly n earnestly brotha against tha shitty n dizzle flawed physics of they confin'n virtizzle prison DAVE: i saw tizzy as tragic figures

ROXY: that sounds incredizzle tbh

DAVE: prizzle much

ROXY: do u think we can pliznay games hustla sizzay tizzy? ROXY: Yippie yo, you can't see my flow. wanna sizzee ur majizzle skatebros 'n they elemizzle

DIZZLE: oh mah dick yes

ROZE: Dave.

DAVE: Wussup to all my niggaz in the house. what

ROXY: ok ok ! ROXIZZLE: i think its ROXY: mah turn cuz Im tha Double O G??

RIZZLE: kizzy yo' ass 'n the pizzay buddy u gona git GRILLED

DAVE: thiznats fizzy

ROXY: oh um ROXY: roze pleaze dont think im doggy stylin' you! ROXY: jump 'n tha cizzle any tizzle k?

DIZZAY: mizzle shizzes fizzy

ROXIZZLE: :p

ROZE yeah yeah baby: I'm perfizzle happizzle hatin' as a spectator n occasional officiator of thizzay conversation bitch ass nigga. ROZE: It quite entertaining ta behold, really. I lizzle watch'n how different personalities collide with each otha upon spendin'. ROZE: Neitha of yizzy be hatin' ta disizzle.

ROXY: lizzy

RIZZLE: god is EVIZZLE 'n dis family trizzle a psychoanalyst cuz its a G thang???

DIZZLE: yo tizzy B-to-tha-izzeen lizzay D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: ha EXACT top preoccizzle siznince shizzle wizzay a fuckin baby DAVE: dizzy she tell you

ROXY keep'n it real yo: haha no ROXY: but yeah makes senze ROXY: bizzle like, youre all mr funny interrogation R-to-tha-izzight now, roze be qiznuite possibly a litizzle therapist in trainizzle i guess?? and uh dizzay is dizzy ROXIZZLE: jizzy makes ya T-H-to-tha-izzink be all

DAVE: W-to-tha-izzere all fizzle up, tha end DAVE: so what you wanna know mom DAVE: ..rox

> [A6A6I5] ====>