#i just. want. to be deeeeead

[letsjustseewhathappens]

did so bad on my voice final today

[saintheartwing]

Promised Neverland, Season 2, Episode 8 Review...

They are SUPER. RUSHING. THIS. It’s just incredibly lame. It’s frankly just insulting. The “new story” that the author decided to adapt? You know what they did? They went the Batman vs Superman “Save...Marthaaaaa” route. 

Let me explain. It begins with Norman meeting Peter Ratri.Isabella introduces him. He’s his “new father”.

“But you can call me Peter. Peter Ratri. I’d like your assistance with my research!”

How exciting! Norman can study all he wants now. But Norman knows what’s up. He knows he’s just a product even now. Maybe not FOOD but...still a product. 

Norman is soon shown taking tests. He hunches over a screen quickly scanning things left and right, it’s super atmospheric alright, and his test scores are amazing. Perfect scores every time despite them increasing in difficulty. It’s fantastic. Lambda 7214 is lucky to have him.

Norman is soon eating alone in his room as the other scientists marvel over his skills. He’s got mad skills, alright. MAAAAD SKIIIILZ.

Peter Ratri is pleased by this. The kid’s perfect for Lambda’s upcoming plans. The era of James Ratri the gatekeeper is over. Now HE’LL control the farms and he shan’t give them an inch  of hope. 

The scientist behind him frowns visibly. And meanwhile, Norman’s found something. A litle puzzle box like a rubix cube. A note put into it. And who put it in there? An African American young man named Vincent. 

We get to briefly see peeks of the folks that Norman would make into his friends. Tiny brief glimpses of horrors...and cute little rooms full of toys and dolls...while on the opposite side, Demons are tearing kids apart...

He will live. He will live and keep living to see everyone again-

Then he begins to cough up blood. Ohhh dear. He’s sick. Super sick. He doesn’t have much time left. He begins to put it together. He has six cameras in the room. 15 personnel at night. But he can gain explosives. He just needs parts for a detonator, he says to himself, playing a chess game. 

CHECKMATE.

And then it happens. SHAAA-BOOOOM! The facility gets blown up. People are dead all over. Blood has pooled around. His plan worked. Mr. Smee, the friendly scientist, helped him pull it off, and gives him a pen as Vincent and he go to save the only remaining older kids left...who would become his gang.  “Are you God?” Barbara asks.

Framed by the red alarm light...Norman looks more like the Devil.

But unluckily for the demons left over and captured, the only ones left alive, well...Norman kinda needs some more data on demons...and, well...turnabout is fair play...

We cut back to the present. Norman knows he’s soon to die. But he wants to create a safe world for Emma...

Meanwhile, Emma and Ray and Don and Gilda are out searching for Mujika and Sonju. They need to find someplace with multiple escape routes that would also be easy to hide in. Luckily, they know such a place, and they found footprints...

Alas, it’s not them. It’s something that walks on six feet. Nope. Small, wild demon. Maybe...this place? Nope. Nope! Nope, nope, nope! They keep looking around, disguised as demons to avoid detection but no luck at all, and time is passing quickly.

Then they get a break. The birds! The birds the two like to hunt. If they’d be hunting the birds, it’d be in a nice, big, wide-open place. But they need to be careful...this is home to a wild demon. A big, huge large one...with really lousy CGI, for the record. 

Their first day has not gone well. They have to set up camp for the night. Four days left...

Norman and his gang are gathering up the potion as our heroes keep searching. Norman seems...preoccupied...

Our heroes are determined to find Mujika and Sonju. Without the evil blood, they can’t fix anything...but they’re quickly running out of time. Only two days left now! 

Our gang is at the very last spot. There’s a lot of wild demons here, so they need to be careful, but...this is the last spot they have left to check. Their last hope. And...

They’ve found horse hoof prints! Could it be them?

Norman, meanwhile, is thinking about how kind Emma and Ray are. He’s determined not to waver. He WILL save all the kids in the farms. If he has to be God OR the Devil...he’ll become it...

And now...it’s gotten dark. Our gang is in deep trouble. A wild demon has found them! They have to attack, using their bows and arrows. Emma decides she’ll draw them off...

As Sonju and Mujika find the necklace Emma drops in her haste! They have to go rescue her. Ray pops out of nowhere, letting an arrow fly, and...THA-SHUDDA! Right in the eye! Center of the head! He deeeeead! That was, admittedly, a real nice moment. But...

Oh shit, it’s NOT dead. In its final throes its maw reaches out to engulf her and then...

SHA-SCHLIIISCH! OFF WITH YOUR HEEEAAAAD! Sonju slices its head off. Mujika and Sonju have found them! They ask what happened, and Emma begins to explain what’s going on...or rather, they’re ABOUT to when--

KA-BOOOOOOOOM! A distinct, loud explosion. 

Uh oh. Norman decided to start a bit early. The town is being attacked. Explosions rocket through the town and the demons begin breathing in the gas...and those that do become monstrous, attacking even their family. 

The experiment appears to be a rousing success. It’s a horrifying scene, admittedly. It looks disgusting. People are burning left and right as Norman and his gang nonchalantly make their way into town to just...watch it burn. It’s one of the only moments where things actually look really, really good...it’s creepy, atmospheric and horrifying to behold. 

The good news is that Mujika and Sonju just agree to start running. 

Meanwhile at the town, the nice grandpa demon that Emma had met in the temple has arrived back at town and found it on fire! And who knows where his granddaughter and family are? And then...

We find out his granddaughter’s name...right when Norman has a big-ass knife and is about to run the girl through the back.

Emma. Her name’s Emma.

...yeeeaaaah. They did the Superman and Batman “OMG OUR MOMMAS GOT THE SAME NAMES” thing. A blatant attempt to try and get Norman to empathize with the demons by showing familial love of demons right in front of him and with the girl having the very same name as the one he so dearly cares for. And then unfortunately it gets bad. They see Norman. They realize he’s a human. And unfortunately...then the gas hits them.

The granddaughter begins mutating...the grandfather isn’t. 

Norman realizes...holy fucking shit. The guy has “the evil blood”. So he tries to stab the guy and...what comes out is red blood. “Emma...drink this blood and run.” Grandpa Demon insists. He has her drink from his hand, Norman looking at his blood-stained hands. Red blood. 

Emma the demon is now crying uncontrollably as her grandpa tries to comfort her. “Even if I die. I want you to at least live.” “No! Grandpa! I want you to live with me!”

Norman is now feeling tears springing to his eyes. He looks around and is seeing the horror being unleashed. Children are screaming for their parents to stop eating people...themselves included. Some brave demon souls are desperately trying to keep the mutated from attacking families. “Why am I wavering?” Norman wonders aloud. “I knew this from the very beginning...there’s no other way...”

Especially not with the time he has left...

Norman can’t bring himself to bring the knife down and then he hears...

“NORMAN!”

He turns around...

And there Emma and Ray are...

And they see him. As he ACTUALLY is. A scared, horrified child with a knife in his hands. 

“This time...I’m not letting you go alone!” Emma says.

And...the episode ends. 

Well...gee. You know...this was probably one fo the best episodes because of the stuff with the town, but thinking about ALL this season sacrificed to get there...

It’s just like...it’s like being served, instead of the meal you ordered, a different meal completely that tastes fine...but you didn’t order it or ask for it. You wanted a steak. Not chicken. Sure the chicken is delicious but...you did specifically want a steak and EXPECT a steak. Not a chicken, no matter how tasty it is. 

[domiandsascha]

Wimbledon diary ~ Tuesday the 3rd of July 2018

If you've followed my adventures at the French Open (x x x x x), you must know I don't do short reviews so… You've been warned :D

I arrived at Wimbledon early, alone (because Jue, my partner in crime, had to work until 1pm) and super stressed. We had tickets for Court 1, which granted us access to every single court except for Centre Court and Court 2. The order of play on Court 1 was Kyle Edmund, then Petra Kvitova, then Novak Djokovic. Pretty good and Jue was super happy that she wouldn't miss the beginning of Novak's match. Also the program on the side courts was awesome. BUT. Massive BUT. Bigger than Domi's but-- Shut up Helene. BUT, on Court 2, Sascha, then Domi were playing. And, I mean… What are the chances of having the both of them, on the same court, the exact same day I'm attending a tournament? One percent? Well, that was the one, I couldn't miss it and I was ready to sell my soul to the Queen for a Court 2 ticket. Few problems: The Queen was nowhere to be found (although I've heard that Meghan was around that day, I should have looked for her). I had only one ticket to exchange which made my task trickier as people, weirdly, have friends and family. And mostly, Wimbledon officials are crazy uptight and bound by rules. So the one rule I heard over and over again during my first hour in the resort was "Tickets are not exchangeable". It felt like I was talking to robots. One guy even told me I would be removed if I were to try and swap my ticket outside of Court 2. Seriously? Dude, come on, have some weed and chill… Anyway, I usually like and follow rules but I decided to completely disregard this one. I made my way to Court 2, at the very end of the resort, and started my quest, using my sweetest smile and sweetest French accent. It was still quiet as matches hadn't started yet, but there were already people waiting outside the court. I truly believed my "Edmund + Djoko" combo was gonna be super appealing to British tennis fans but it turned out it wasn't. The five first persons I approached bluntly replied "Absolutely not. Court 2 is way better today!" Well, yeah, I know… but you guys aren't supposed to think the same! The only interested guy I found had a girlfriend who had no intention of spending the day away from him… It started to feel like I was gonna fail, when I spotted a woman, obviously on her own and who seemed nice enough to hear me out. When I asked if she would be interested on swapping for a Court 1 ticket, she replied "No." She paused, just the time for my heart to break again, and then she casually added "But I've got a spare ticket for Court 2 if you want." OMG. It was good I was wearing my sunglasses because I legit started tearing up. She refused my money offer and just gave it to me. I could have hugged her, but she didn't look like the hugging type and I didn't want to scare her to the point of changing her mind, as we were about to spend the day next to each other. But I gave her my Court 1 ticket, which she gladly accepted. OMG. I couldn't believe my luck. I couldn't process I was actually gonna see Sascha and Domi. I couldn't go and sit down yet. I needed to calm down. I needed a coffee, three cigarettes, a wee and a walk. So I left Court 2 to go and explore the resort I had barely looked at earlier, too obsessed with my mission. Gosh, Wimbledon is so so so pretty, all green and purple and flowery. It makes you want to drink all the Pimm's and eat all the strawberries (but to do so, you'd need all the money…). I crossed path with Rafa in an alley, the exact same way I had at Roland Garros : he was surrounded by security, followed by a crowd of fans, super close yet untouchable (I mean, I could have touched him, but I wasn't taking any risk to be actually removed by security now that I had my ticket haha). But my timing is always quite amazing! I tried to go to the fanzone, which is the only place where players stop for pictures and autographs on their way back from practice, but it was packed so I turned around. I went to sit and drink my coffee on the Henman Hill, because apparently, you cannot go to Wimbledon and not sit once on the hill, and then I went back to Court 2 to watch the second set of Jo Konta's match. I discovered how good my seat was and I tore up again. OMG I was so close!!!! Jo was lovely enough to win her 2nd set tie break so there it was : Sascha time! I think I lost plenty of brain cells when he walked on court. I don't need to describe how amazing he looked in his white kit, you've all seen the pictures, but. Wow. And his hair is just perfection. He's truly a piece of sunshine. The 1rst set was tight, but I was too happy to stress. Plus he was playing really good and won it. The way he "Come ooooooooon!" after he got the break destroyed what was left of my brain cells. He also yelled in Russian at some point, that was hot. I was a bit disappointed with the British crowd, way quieter than the French one. It was deeeeead. The only person I could hear was Hugo, Sascha's physio, and his constant "Allez, allez, allez!!!!" haha. I tried to scream "Come on Sascha!!" once and ten people turned to look at me like "what the hell are you doing girl?" so I kept cheering for him in my mind. There was something highly disturbing : whenever Sascha was on his chair, and even sometimes on the court, he was looking towards me. I'm not saying he was looking at me, I know he wasn't, there was no way I was standing out from the rest of the crowd, no. He was probably looking at the score board above me. But as it felt like it, I chose to believe he was looking at me haha. Fun. He won the 2nd set super easily and I totally called the 3rd set bagel. I said it to Claire, my ticket provider, and she didn't believe me. But I was right. Sascha was doing everything perfectly and his opponent wasn't doing much anymore. So straight sets stress-free victory. Thank you Sascha! I think the gods of tennis should make it a regular thing : if I attend one of my favs' match, my fav should always win easily, for the sake of my nails, my hair, my stomach and my sanity. That'd be super great. Yeah. That would have been great to ask the gods before the start of Domi's match… Oh sadness… But let's start at the beginning. D.o.m.i.n.i.c. First of all, he was clean-shaved. Clean-shaved Domi makes me weak, it's not even funny. Second of all, he looked like an angel who could sin at any second in his white kit and I. couldn't. handle. it. Third of all, I just love him so much, it's unreal. I spent the entire warm-up staring at him, my hand on my chest, smiling like an idiot, feeling blessed. If a therapist were to ask me where my happy place is, I'd say "On a tennis court bleacher, ten rows away from Dominic Thiem". Also, just like Sascha, he was looking in my direction all the time, so my heart was crumbling. I was legit talking to him, moving my lips and all, just in case he would actually look at me at some point and understand my motivation speeches haha (spoiler alert : he obviously didn't…). Now, the match itself. Well… Not gonna lie, it's way more fun to watch him on clay. I didn't have much expectations for Wimbledon but I believed he could at least beat Baghdatis. Until he got broken. And lost the 1rst set. Then got broken again. And lost the 2nd set… I was mad at him, yet still hopeful at first, but I quickly made my peace with the idea I was going to watch him lose badly. Because he wasn't "there". He wasn't yelling at himself or fist bumping like he does when he truly wants it. He looked so out of it. I couldn't understand why, as I hadn't made much of his fall in the first set. Sure, it had been quite a bad and scary one, but he had stood up so quickly and acted like it was nothing. So it was nothing to me. I went out for a smoke between the 2nd and the 3rd set so when my friends talked about the physio in our group chat, it was a massive and very unpleasant surprise. I rushed back in and… baby… <///3 He looked so small and fragile, it broke me (and also, how do I become a physio on call please??). The 3rd set started really badly and at this point, it just felt like watching the inevitable. So it was almost a relief when he retired. It was still sudden and heartbreaking and disappointing as I wouldn't have minded an extra set of clean-shaved white-wearing Domi. But it was safer, all things considered. A small consolation : I'm 90% sure Günter spotted me from the box. He was on the opposite of the court but right in front of me and looking in my direction super often (really, there probably was someone or something super attractive on my bleacher!). At some point I was standing to stretch my legs and Günter kind of froze and removed his sunglasses as if he wanted to have a better look. His eyes were clearly on me, but I got too shy to wave or nod, stupid me haha. So after a few seconds, he went back to his conversation with Alex. But yeah, I believe he had a flash of "I've seen this girl before" and as I still want him to adopt me, it really pleased me. I left the court immediately after Domi did and ran to the side courts area. Jue had arrived during Sascha's match. She had been to Diego's match, then Karen's match, but she was now on Court 1 for Djoko. I was a bit torn between Karen and Mischa vs PH. But they were closer and as I managed to find a seat in the first (and only haha) row, I stayed there. PH was already two sets up and playing amazing. I was cheering for both though. After Domi, it was soothing to watch this match. Both outcomes would have made me happy. I realized towards the end that Alexander Senior and Irina Zverev were six seats away from me. When Mischa lost, we left the court at the same time. I walked right behind them in the crowded alley (didn't have any other choice) then I passed them, but I turned around on an impulse. My friend Aline really wanted me to ask them if she could marry their youngest son, but I'm not that bold haha. I just said congratulations for Sascha's win and wished them luck for the rest of the tournament. Alexander thanked me five times and Irina just smiled, nicely. Next time Aline, next time… I saw Nadal again, standing on a bridge above an alley and being a sweetheart. Karen had won so I tried to go see Shapo but the queue for his court was huge. So I went to buy a Pimm's (thought Domi's heartbreaking match called for some comfort alcohol) and decided to try and push my luck because why not ? I texted Jue to get our gate-row-seat number on Court 1, thinking I could pretend I had lost my ticket or something (I knew Claire wasn't on my seat then). Didn't even need to. Perfect timing being perfect, I walked in with a group. The security guys were too overwhelmed to check tickets. Haha! Epic win! So I finally joined Jue and we watch Djoko destroy Sandgren and everything was right in the world. Then we tried Shapo again. Impossible again. So we went to the court where Benoit was playing. As we've certainly been blessed by all the gods of tennis, after two minutes, we were seated, front row, next to each other. Benoit was so much fun to watch hahahaha. We laughed a lot. And we cheered in French, really loudly, so after he won, he smiled at us and gave us a thankful thumb up. He didn't come to our side to sign stuff but he had to leave the court same way as the audience. He spent so much time in the alley, taking pictures and being amazing with fans. We both got a selfie with him. Gotta love Benoit. We went back to Shapo's court and queued, but we didn't have much hope to get in. Our only chance would have been for him to lose the 4th set and we couldn't wish that to happen. So we just spent fifteen minutes, listening to the cheering, chatting with a French fan and following the England football game on our phones. Shapo won and I made my way to the bleacher just in time to see him wave goodbye. That's something I guess haha. There was only one match still on : Sharapova on Court 2. And again, we decided to try our luck. They were still checking tickets at the doors, which I found silly and unfair considering half of the court was empty. British people and their rules… Anyway, I showed mine and hid Jue behind me so she managed to sneak in. Truly, we win at life. I didn't think someone could be as loud as Maria, but I was wrong. Vitalia Diatchenko is. Their long rallies were hilarious to listen to. It was kind of a shocker to see Vitalia win this one, but she played great tennis so that was well deserved. And… that was it. Tennis was over for the day. So we wandered around the resort and then we left, hungry, tired but so so so so so so so happy. We're going back tomorrow. We're on Court 1. And. OMG AGAIN ! They put Sascha on Court 1!!!!! Ahhhhhhh! I was so sure they wouldn't!!!! I'm so happy! We'll also see Simona's match and Kyrgios VS Nishikori. I mean, we probably won't watch this one as Karen will be playing on a side court. So will PH and Nico! And also, Dennis Novak didn't finish today so unless it collides with Sascha's match, I'm so gonna go cheer the hell out of my lungs for him (and ask Günter to adopt me). I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and if you're watching Sascha's match, I'll be wearing my green Germany jersey so you might see me on TV (they kept showing jersey-wearing people during Angie and Sascha's matches yesterday) :D Thanks for reading and thanks for all your lovely messages and comments when I said I had managed to swap my ticket <3

[halloithmehassan]

Basically yeah no one at home except me and my eldest sister, so she wanted to go get food and obvs I’m coming with her, left the main house keys left in the front door, locked all the other doors and windows and left the house, completely forgetting that my sister told me to take the main house keys out before we left, so basically we’re locked out the house 🤷🏽‍♀️🙃.

Searching for a way in, and we came across a ladder in our back garden and we tried to make it into the second floor bathroom because the window was open, but there was as way too much space for me to make it in, then we went to the rest front door, brok the letter box and tried with much effort to shove my arm in and take out the key (used a long screwdriver aswell to get it in a key ring and pull it out) after about an hour of that, my other sister cane from work and had a look around, at this point my arm is bruised cut and legit I couldn’t put it anymore, so we called a locksmith and he gave some ridiculous price🙃🙃🙃

Then my sister who came back from work, gave an idea to use the ladder with a chair underneath and it’s nearly maghrib time so its getting dark and stuff, but yh got up the ladder on a chair with my sisters holding it and trying to make me feel calm by saying ‘don’t worry we’ve got ahold of the ladder firmly’ even tho it wasn’t feeling very stable 😭 just as I grabbed hold of the window I slipped a little and legit I though man is deeeeead fam 😂 and my sister screamed loool but Alhamdulillaah I was holding on and got half my body inside the bath room and my lower body outside was dangling outside 😂 at this point I was screaming ‘I made it’😂😂 but yh gradually I got in 😂

[sugabeans]

tagged by @inmyownfiction​ but gabbycakes you know so many of these answers about me LOL but nonetheless, yay another tag game!! thanks! ♡

Rules:  Answer thirty questions, then tag twenty blogs you would like to know better.

1. Nicknames: irl from grade 1 to 8 i used to be called KK because of my initials - and i didn’t hate it, but meh i don’t like it very much 

irl now, i’m just called karina 

on the internet i’m also called karina, and there’s a variety of ‘bean’ added to my name often 

2. Gender: i’m dis one ♀

3. Zodiac sign: cancer

4. Height: 5'5 or 165cm 

5. Time: 10:52pm 

6. Birthday: july 5

7. Favourite Bands: ukiss

8. Favourite Solo Artists: kevin woo??? 

9. Song that stucks in my head: well right now it’s red velvet red flavor bc i’m listening to it at this very moment 

10. Last movie watched: koe no katachi 

11. Last show watched: HAIKYUUUUUUUUU 

12. When did I create my blog: may 16, 2012 - kebeans november 14, 2013 - sugabeans 

13. What do I post: anything i want muhahaha  a lot of haikyuu and yoi, some occasional kpop, mangacaps, random pretty anime things, stupid text posts, funny stuff in general, scenery, cute doodles, idk, pokemon, anything that i think is interesting 

14. Last thing googled: "female symbol” so i could use it for question #2 LOL 

15. Do you have other blogs: yeah kebeans (dead ukiss blog) chiiberries (dead kfashion blog) my diary blog (which is a secret hehe) inutato (active inuyasha blog!) sugabeans (this one!!!) 

and i have other ones too but like .. they’re not worth mentioning because they are deeeeead dead  

16.  Do you get asks: not really, i have 300 followers and i think 200 of them are inactive 

17. Why did you choose your URL: sugawara koushi + beans 

I LOVE BEANS and suga is a bean and also i am a self proclaimed bean child on the internet - kebeans is still a name i use and karinabeans is my online alias? i guess you could say~ so SUGABEANS! 

18. Following: 392 - my dash is pretty active most times i can scroll a really long time 

19. Followers: 314 currently 

20. Favourite food: RICE AND ALL IT’S VARIETIES 

21. Favourite Colours: light peach pink

22. Average hours of sleep: 6-7 

23. Lucky number: 5 but not really, it’s just bc 5s make everything easy to divide by and my birthday is the 5th lmao 

24. Instruments: piano, flute, violin, guitar  in order of “ability to play” ranked out of 10 it’d be  2, 1, -2, -7 

because i’ve forgotten 

25. What am I wearing: pajamaaaaas

26. How many blankets are you sleeping with: one big quilt/comforter thingy 

27. Dream Job: SLP

28. Dream trip: japan! 

29. Nationality: canadian 

30. Favourite song now: idk but i like troye sivan - there for you 

[jade4813]

Wait...that's it? That's the big cheering moment that has people angry like some shippers straight up murdered en effigy of Chris Woods at the screening? I haven't watched Supergirl in season 2 so I really don't have an informed opinion one way or another on Mon-El. I follow people who love him and Karamel. I follow people who hate him and Karamel. But I heard there was an emotional finale and went on Tumblr today to see what people had to say about it (I'll be honest - because I heard Superman was in it). And I still don't know what happened with Superman because I got distracted by all the "how DAAAAAAAARE you!" posts. I was like, shit, what happened? Did someone throw eggs at the man? Did they boo him when he came on stage? Did his character die and people start cheering and whipping out lighters and shit during his whole extended Boromir-esque death scene? Did they keep screaming through the rest of the screening? Was there a straight-up stabbing? What the hell happened??? Then I see a linked video and I've got to watch because it sounds like there was absolute insanity. There's what is clearly a climactic scene and, my guess would be, possibly the penultimate one in the episode. Quite dramatic. Everyone is silent throughout. He goes. She cries - maybe sobs (I assume; it was low quality image). Everyone is quiet. The screen fades to black... Maybe a half dozen people go "wooo!" in the three seconds of dark screen. Then they fall silent as it seems the next scene begins. And...that's it? I swear to god, if I hadn't seen all these people railing and lamenting like "Never was seen so black a day as this!" I would have thought that, oh, they're just cheering because there's been a climactic scene and the screen went dark so they're cheering in that momentary break. I've seen that happen a million times. Maybe they're cheering the plot, or maybe they're cheering the acting after a huge, climactic scene, or maybe they're cheering to break the tension after an emotional moment and sometimes people want to lighten things up after a tense, emotional moment. Given the level of "you people are all shitty and Chris Woods has feelings and is probably crushed at the disrespect he received" I really expected some breakout of over-the-moon "he's deeeeead!" Bacchanalia that is clearly pointed at "you suck particular actor!" and instead I got twelve woos during the faded blackout after an emotional moment that I swear to god, I would never have attributed to the biggest insult to have ever been shown an actor if fandom wasn't saying that is so totally what it was.

[7davidvilla]

.

[passtheanxietea-blog]

What’s my name again?

I was assigned a lot of homework by my therapist...a lot.  One of my assignments was naming and creating a visual for my anxiety voice and then to tell that manifestation to essentially fuck off.  “What’s an ‘anxiety voice’?” you may wonder.  Have you ever thought to yourself, “This person isn’t texting me back right away, they must hate me,” or “My friend isn’t here yet, she was probably in an accident,” or “If I don’t check the locks five different times, someone will break in and murder me,” ...well...that’s an anxiety voice.  By the way, I’ve thought all of these things many times over the years.  

After thinking it over at home in my first apartment (a small studio I nicknamed “The Hot Box” because of the sweltering summers), I came up with the very creative (not really) name, External Doom Voice aka EDV who looked like this guy: 

That’s right, my anxiety voice looked like Voldemort...honestly, it was the best I could do and even if I wanted to change it, something about his weird snake-face felt right.  

I spent many moments yelling in my car “Shut up!” “SHUT UP!” “SHUUUUT UUUUUUP!!!!!!!”  to seemingly no one, especially if you’re an outsider looking in.  But here’s the thing, even though it looked like I was screaming at nothing, my EDV felt oh so real.  No matter how silly or odd the voice may seem, it terrified me.  And for a long time after I labeled my anxiety voice, my EDV and I were in a constant battle for my brain: 

Me: “Huh, that guy I’m dating didn’t text me back yet.  That’s weird.”

EDV: “Because he’s dead.”

Me: “That feels unrealistic and odds are, he’s fine.  Probably just busy.”

EDV: “Busy being dead.”

Me: “Stop it.”

EDV: “Bitch, you know he’s dead.”

Me: “I said STOP IT.”

EDV: “The one time you think he’s okay will be the one time he’s DEAD.”

Me: “FUCK YOU!”

EDV: “Dead...”

Me: “SHUT UP!!!”

EDV: “Deeeeead”

Me: “GO TO YOUR BOX!”

Yes, you read that correctly.  I would tell my EDV to go to its box, shut the lid and leave me alone.  And you know what?  It worked.  It took a long time but creating that separation between what my therapist would call my “wise mind” and my EDV allowed more room for rational thought.  And over time, instead of my EDV looking like full blown Voldemort, he started to look like this:

Then one day, I didn’t need to continually hold my EDV at bay, it just decided to retire for a while.  Periodically, it comes back to whisper in my ear, but instead of experiencing fear and anxiety, I feel mostly annoyed and in a weird way, nostalgic. Yes, my therapist encouraged me to create this image of my anxiety voice to separate it from myself.  The truth is though, that voice is very much a part of me and for better or worse, it taught me a lot.  Don’t get me wrong, I hope it never visits me the way it did for most of my life and if it ever does, Mama’s getting a medication change.  But I wouldn’t change this piece of my journey, and wherever my EDV is, I hope it’s sitting in a comfortable, cozy spot that will keep it occupied indefinitely.  

[isabellawhite13]

just to throw it out there

finished lord of shadows a few days ago (*emotional stability wanders away from me once again*) but, I wanted to revisit a hilarious scene I still can't get over: pages 442-443. DON'T THINK I'VE EVER BEEN MORE DEEEEEAD.