#i know i'm getting a bit conspiracy board about this. and very likely am wrong. but worth putting out there!

[utilitycaster]

Note: this contains some mild Call of the Netherdeep spoilers and is tagged for that; please be aware if you are in a Netherdeep game.

I alluded to this here in my tags, and many thanks to @captainofthetidesbreath and @essektheylyss for some further refinement of the idea, but: the Aeorian stasis bubbles remind me very much of the temple to the Arch Heart in Cael Morrow. It's surrounded by a dome that, despite the city being largely underwater, keeps it dry. The dome is immune to all damage and cannot be dispelled by any spells. The key to entering? A faithful worshiper of the Arch Heart can pass through and take their allies with them.

Similarly, the stasis bubbles of Aeor seem protected from outside elements, are immune to all damage, and cannot be dispelled by any spells. They seem very last minute - people fleeing and preparing - and as if they captured people where they stood at the time, without any real planning and organization. From what we've seen from the perspective of the Mighty Nein and Bells Hells, we just know they were created in flashes of light. We also know there were many, many of these bubbles - a huge working of magic.

What if these aren't, as I'm sure many of us have assumed (myself included) the work of Aeorian wizards? What if this was divine in nature - either from the figures we're about to see in Downfall, or from one of the gods themselves, working directly? I could see that being something the mages excavating Aeor would largely miss (indeed, as I mentioned earlier today Ludinus seems to have flat out ignored them, and they don't appear to have been Essek's focus), and perhaps the exact mechanism is a little bit more complicated than just a faithful follower being permitted entry given that there's people in the bubbles, so it's not something a cleric would likely stumble upon by accident.

I also thought of the Empyrean, child of the former deity of death prior to the Raven Queen, whom Vox Machina encountered in Pandemonium while searching for Grog's soul. The idea was that he'd been put there temporarily, but the Raven Queen ascended, and the Empyrean was forgotten. Aeor's destruction took place at latest around the midpoint of the Calamity, and likely still relatively early on. It's entirely possible someone intended to go back for those people in the stasis bubbles, and never had a chance to, and the gods going behind the Divine Gate (and the limitations this imposed) means they couldn't, and their general attitude of reduced interventionism means they would not push their followers to do so.

[bonus-links]

IMMA BE THE FIRST TO ASK (I HOPE) CUZ IM LITERALLY CHOMPING AT THE BIT DIRECTORS COMMENTARY PLEASE

GANON??? THE EYES???? BANGER UPDATE 👹

the people have spoken and they want director's commentary (this isn't even all of them lol) OKAY HERE WE GO

the original draft of this scene was much shorter, and Loft actually didn't say anything at all in it. As I kept making the chapter it started to feel weird that he would just. Let Ganondorf say his piece without contributing anything. i like this version of the scene much better

listen. I love WW Ganondorf. He's my favorite Ganondorf. I was going to find a way to fit him into this chapter no matter what

in particular, I love that you get a sense from WW Ganondorf that he is, on some level, sympathetic to Link. Or if not sympathetic, understanding of his place in all this. He tells Link that his gods have abandoned him, that he has not particular quarrel with him, etc. But ultimately it doesn't matter. If this is who the gods have sent to stand in his way, so be it. Essentially, it's not my fault the gods are so callous as to send a child after me.

we're going w the canon that WW Ganondorf is the same as OOT, or at least remembers being him. Don't ask me how. Nintendo doesn't know either

big ol eyeball. which could mean nothing

How does Ganondorf recognize Loft? by that stupid hat. jokes aside he doesn't know Which Link Specifically Loft is, but he's smart enough to figure out that he's a hero of some sort.

Likewise, Loft is smart enough to figure it out as well. He's spent a lot of his chapter thinking about Ganondorf, and if you'll recall from Ch1, he knows from Zelda that Ganon once had a mortal form. I think, from Loft's perspective, he has a hunch that this Ganon figure is the mortal reincarnation of Demise, the way Zelda is the mortal reincarnation of Hylia. I wanna emphasize that's what HE thinks might be going on based on his experiences. He's not the knower of all things. He has a conspiracy board in his mind

the face of a guy who's like. I am not going to be lectured to about morality from the King of Evil. I was very excited to let Loft be snarky at long last. But he also, notably, doesn't push back against what Ganondorf is saying that hard. He doesn't even say that he's wrong, just implies that he's probably a hypocrite. In fact, a lot of this update is about what Loft DOESN'T say or acknowledge

Ganondorf's opening line is about how much he hates that statue of the hero of time, because it's "such grandeur for a mere child". I think he means that at face value, but he's also making another point— the hero of time was a child, but they're not going to depict him that way in his monument. It's honestly sort of ambiguous with the actual model because of ww's style, but it looks like adult proportions to me. The story Wake grew up with calls him a child, but his monument in the castle is of an adult. That was the idea behind this set of panels, the parts of the Hero of Time's story that aren't going to be put on the pedestal

speaking of that I realized making this update that I literally. forgot the pedestal. I just didn't draw it all this time. in my defense the castle in no clip looks like this. no statue or pedestal

except I recently found out by accident that he's literally. under the floor. what the fuck

ANYWAY. I really liked the symmetry of Ganondorf turing to stone at the end of the dream. He won't get any perfect monuments made to him. Also, looks like there's a suspicious lack of water in the underwater castle. which could mean nothing

I'm not gonna comment too much on other details, because i've got to keep some of my secrets. I do think that this update gives a lot away HAHA though that was kind of on purpose. We're entering year 3 of this comic and we're finally starting to get places lolol

WAIT I ALMOST FORGOT loft looks the same way he did when he last touched the triforce

and we've seen a border similar to this before haven't we

that's all i got for now, thanks everybody! im having a blast reading ur comments <3

[comicaurora]

I've started making my way through the playlist hbomberguy made of actually good video essays by queer creators and spotted a comment of yours on the one about the relationship between Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy, which was fun xD red in the wild!

Anyways, just wanted to appreciate how both you and Blue and you are very good at showing your sources! It's always nice to know that the people you've watched for years have good habits after an event like this, and I hope you guys are among the people that get some new fans after this whole debacle, because your channel definitely qualifies for "good educational videos made by queer people"

I'm glad! Blue's much better about listing his sources and follow-up reading than I am.

To be honest, I loved the video, but my imposter syndrome always flares like crazy when I watch an essay like that. It might be the ADHD or it might just be who I am as a person, but I feel like I've lived my whole life striving to make everything I do the best it can be, and still managing to fuck up and get criticised for things I could've done better if only I never missed anything. It's an actual gut-drop when it turns out a source I used wasn't trustworthy, or when in older videos I only went wiki-deep for some claims and didn't check every source to be 100% sure I wasn't being goat-fish'd. And this being the internet, I can get criticized at any time for things I've gotten wrong years ago, since it's evergreen online and to the new-viewing critic it's as fresh as yesterday. It makes it hard for me to stay proud of my work past the first moment of "oh I would've done that different now". There's a cocktail of complicated, scary feelings around this space, no matter how little I actually have in common with the bad guys of this scenario - it's less about the reality and more about who my imposter syndrome tells me I am. I saw several people saying that the video actually made them feel much better about their own work because it made it clear that accidental plagiarism on that scale is impossible, but if my anxieties listened to reason I would've successfully machete'd them out of my skull years ago. I just hope I never fuck up badly enough to deserve an hbombing of my own.

But my own stress aside, the hbomb essay exposed a level of laxness, laziness and entitlement on the part of these plagiarists that I think is almost incomprehensible to people who actually create for a living or even just the joy of it. How hollow do you have to be to take in someone else's writing and not consider it, digest it, let it reshape your views and then formulate your own interpretation on it, but instead to file off the serial numbers and pretend it's yours, trusting that the person whose thoughts and words you valued enough to steal will never be powerful enough to call you out on it? I go down research rabbit holes because I love the frustration and thrill of putting something together! How joyless it must be to skim the surface and borrow someone else's conclusions!

I've sometimes had people email asking for sources on parts of my interpretation of various myths, possibly in the interest of source-citing for school papers (a nightmare concept in and of itself) and with very few exceptions I usually have to tell them "the only sources were the english translations I used of the primary source where the myth was originally written, like I said in the video, and the part where I said I was conspiracy-boarding has no source other than my own analysis of the given source, which is why I called it conspiracy-boarding" and I was always a little baffled by those emails - half the videos are introduced like "this is The Prose Edda" or "this is in Ovid's Metamorphoses" or "this bit is Hesiod" so what else could they want - but seeing the hbomb of the week made me realize that truly original analysis might not be what most people are expecting from a "thing summarized." They might be expecting a compilation of other people's summaries instead.

[revengemicrowave]

I am CONVINCED at least one animator ships Lukadrien, and has done since Cpt Hardrock. Allow me to indulge in 'what if secretly endgame' conspiracy for a sec:

(cut for very mild salt, and because this has been simmering a while and ran away with me)

Cpt Hardrock. The long hand-hold-and-stare when Luka helps him up, the play-instrument-and-stare-at-your-bandmate, the ENDCARD. It's splitsecond, but Luka is also the first to react to Adrien boarding the Liberty (my Beloved).

Frozer. Adrien honestly looks like he's nearly as stunned as Mari by Luka being a Certified Smoothie, and is trying to get the same reassuring care from Kagami with his laces.

This seems flimsy, but consider Adrien is starving for affection and would value acts of service like those Luka so freely gives, rather than material goods like his absurdly wealthy father gives without thought (like the repeat pens for his birthday, EVERY game rather than handpicked ones he might enjoy). He wants to be actively cared for as a person, the bell of Chat Noir represents a want of a caring home - collarless stray/loved pet with bell collar.

The qualities he specifically lists for Luka in Desperada are 'brave, determined, caring'. Why would 'caring' matter? Surely for the snake, you want 'brave, determined, perceptive'. 'Gives really good hugs'

To say nothing of the little 'besides, there's Luka...' flashback he has. I knowwww they just recycled episode clips, but for a sec it does look like Adrien is daydreaming being in Mari's shoes haha

Silencer. Just. Watch the Chat Noir/Silencer fight again. Animation/camera choices were made. And again with Truth

Desperada. "I only know a few chords..." ANDWHOTAUGHTYOUADRIEN?! Whomst in your band could possibly have taught you-, a very heterosexual 'I tackled you to the floor to save your life and now I'm on top of you', a very heterosexual wink while shoving Luka back in the closet locker, Viperion nearly interrupting Ladybug to introduce himself (he's totally a Chat Noir fan, come on), more heterosexual winking.

Oh hey, blue and green eyes identifying colours flags. Where have I seen those colours on a flag before...

(Kagami's little 'I was wrong about you and Luka, wasn't I?' to Marinette being an 'OHHH. It's the blue BOY I have to watch out for')

And the ending card AGAIN- Wishmaker. This sOFT look (the randomAdrienblimp moving from Marinette to Luka, emphasis on Luka 'letting go' of Marinette's hand to sit beside Adrien)

And Adrien....I see you. (to clarify, Adrien's expression gets softer as his eyes move to Luka and only changes when Luka turns to look at him, like he got caught)

We get a close up of Luka from both of their perspectives, but from Adrien's, Luka is looking right into his eyes and listen- if this was intentional, it would be VERY valid to read this as Luka truly seeing Adrien, right as they're talking about inner melodies, in the episode someone finds out he's Chat Noir and it isn't a fakeout, in the season that started with Kagami saying he wasn't showing his true self.

PLUS, Luka's reassuring, 'Your true melody is a happy one.', comes at the tailend of S4 which was when Adrichat was going through the ringer with insecurity.

This scene was when I went from not shipping anything anymore to :ooooo waaaaait a minute-

And sure, it is likely the intent that Viperion's downcast look after finding out Chat Noir is Adrien is 'ahh frick, they're sOuLmAtEs', but...Luka is portrayed as selfless to the degree of a doormat (which I pin as a writing issue) and is already reduced to LS simp before Wishmaker. For me, that kind of reaction would be a bit out of character, especially as Viperion. Again, idk if it's actually intentional, but Vipes feels more reserved/focused generally than Luka, to reflect Sass' influence.

They're good friends, the writers tell-don't-show us, so I read it as being sad that his friend Adrien's 'dream' is...that. Like, realising how deep the wound runs with Gabriel's controlling behaviour, and that Adrien is really Not Okay and maybe needs a little rock'n'roll rebellion in his civilian life. A little auntie Anarka anarchy influence, if you will.

If anyone is going to point out to people-pleasing-conditioned Adrien that Gabriel (or Emilie...) is Not A Good Parent, then someone with such a drastically different upbringing, strong value of truth and freedom of the self, emotionally literate, and perceptive enough to question if it's what Adrien really wants would be a perfect choice, love interest or not.

Shame he apparently didn't tell his 'close friend', 'heyyy, so I know a thing I shouldn't, do you maybe need someone to talk to'. But according to S5 it's probably like a week between Wishmaker and Migration, so- *sobs in timeline*

Migration. The hug was very cute, but I will be good and not read into it beyond a comforting friend hug. However, This:

'I want you to smash me like London's Calling'

They cut to Adrien first, even though Marinette is his 'ex', and this very heterosexual 'you broke your guitar for me' look compared to Marinette's default happy smile. Also slow blinks are kisses a sign of trust from cats.

Aaand Adrien's on the family side, next to 'practically family' Tigress (and Nino, but reptile bros amiright- wait, where's Alya?!)

Even without the character elements that, imho, make them such a compelling fit, like already having had their identity reveal (arguably, Luka is the only holder Adrien chose), and symbolism of cages/Liberty, the meaning of their names, etcetc - it would not take much effort to lean into 'growing up, leaving the shadow of your parents and realising who you really are' Lukadrien endgame. A 'choosing your own happiness', which would certainly resonate with me as a queer woman, and I'd argue would be a far healthier message to give the target audience of kids, queer or otherwise.

And, please forgive my moment of sodium, but considering the way the LS has been presented in last few seasons, and many of the faults critical fans have at it's/Adrichat and Maribug's current protrayal, I did start to entertain the idea what it was on purpose. I'm wrong, of course, but what if...

Ultimately, it is LS or death, but the fated soulmates thing I already hate becomes grotesque with Adrien being senti (which is a whole other rant). Let him, and Marinette, make character driven CHOICES damnit.

Endgame Lukadrien would be so funny on a meta level because there are two ways it could have happened:

1) It was planned from the beginning. The writers have stated as fact that there are 12 seasons planned. Of course they also planned for a 5 season run, too, just in case they didn’t get renewed. That means that the Lovesquare is the backup endgame ship, whereas Lukadrien was what they were gunning for the whole time, and they were straight baiting us the whole time

OR

2) It was unplanned. That means there had to be a point in the writers room where they were all tearing their hair out and screaming about how they HAD to go with this new storyline direction because it was so much better than what they had originally planned

[charmspoint]

Hello one and all and welcome back to 'Rin Onodera is catboy Jin' conspiracy board, a theory I have made up and will die defending even though there is only like 1% of any kind of proof UNTIL NOW

So chapter 78 of Talentless Nana, fucking soul crushing, am I right?

Onodera siblings chapters have given us a really good look into Rin as a person as well as a lot of delicious little Kyouya fun facts, but this is v much about Rin. She and Kyouya are orphans, their mother dying at an young age and their father dying at about the time Kyouya was looking into college. Rin is very sickly and providing for her and taking care of her is taking a lot out of Kyouya to the point he completely stops sleeping just because he needs the time and he won't die from it. This leads to the feelings of being a burden in Rin. Because she's sick she can't do anything, help out in any way and is only making Kyouya's life harder, him working multiple jobs along studying and putting his dreams and aspirations on hold for her. This feeling of helplessness leads to feelings of wanting to die, as if she can only see herself doing some good if she releases Kyouya from this supposed burden. As Kyouya explicitly asks her not to die and she knows he'd be devastated at her lose, she devises a schem to erase herself from her memory so he can live free of her.

And once she does manage to do this, what is the last we hear from her?

AND WHO IS THE ONLY MOTHERFUCKER WE KNOW CAN LITERALLY BECOME OTHER PEOPLE (and has been a butterfly specifically before) THATS RIGHT THIS SMUG BITCH

BUT ALMOST MORE IMPORTANTLY

I think its REALLY interesting for the implications this has for like the entirety of Talentless Nana lore. If this IS correct and Rin IS Catboy Jin then what does this say about formation of a Talent. In a moment of great distress a talent may be formed that in some way responds to that distress, tries to sooth it in some way. This might be true for Kyouya too, though it's somewhat shaky. We know he hasn't aged much since he was in middle school so we can assume that it was around then that his talent awoke. His mother died earlier than that and his father later, but as his father was so busy working for the family I don't think it would be tooooo much of a stretch that it was around middle school when Kyouya was old enough to be left responsible for his sister, and he might have really realized how reliant she is on him while their father is away. Therefor that was when he might have developed immortality to make sure he would never die like their mother did and so Rin would never be left to fend for her own (which would make Rin exploiting the drawback of his talent to make sure she can leave him without him grieving her even more heartbreaking).

Of course this is just a theory and so far we know very very little about backstories of talented we met so far and even less so about the moments their talent truly awakened. There might be some slight connections, Michiru, a daughter of doctors developing healing, Koharu developing her illusion ability to battle loneliness and isolation, Yuuka developing necromancy to keep Shinji for herself, Shizuka developing time travel after her parents died, it could make sense!

Talentless Nana has been kinda known for having rather shallow characters at the beginning that just sorta turn up to do their bit so it's hard to theorize on information from that era, but I feel like the direction of the manga is so strong atm and we are getting so much lore and information we might be able to theorize more properly very soon. Anyway, even if I'm wrong I'm really looking forward to seeing where the manga will go with all of this, especially considering Rin's identity. The last few chapters have been so consistently strong, the manga really had a rebirth and has caught it's stride. We are on a roll baby!

[oolathurman]

ok so despite what everyone may think i am first and foremost a zelda fan and the new nintendo direct zelda trailer has me YELLING and i'm gonna copy paste what i said in discord but be warned there is a conspiracy wall and pins and thread everywhere. this is a long post you have been warned. special interest go brrrr so hard i might need new RAM.

I'm so excited for matt mercer for voicing ganon

i think the car thing. it looks like nintendo saw everyone fucking with physics and making their own diy vehicles and shit in the first game and then nintendo was like 'fuck it let's make it a feature'

AIR DROPPING ENEMIES ONTO YOU?????

am now more convinced than i was previously that the twilight realm/shadow plane/whatever (a la twilight princess) will be a part of this game, give the floaty bits and the reversed sounding music clips. however i never did play tp so /shrug

hee hee funny hats on mobs

are we leaning more into zelda puzzles again cuz i fucking hope so i miss that shit bro

give me my enrichment puzzles

did ganon gain sheikah slate magnesis powers???? the light blue connection bits between this golem's bits look like magnesis.

screaming alone in the house I'm excited for loz totk

the crop circle shapes are gonna be a new puzzle and if I'm wrong I'm eating my shoe. like there is no fucking way the zelda series would have something like that and NOT make a puzzle out of it.

SHEIKAH SLATE FUNCTIONS BUILT INTO YOUR NEW ARM

still can't figure out what culture may have made that shield but damn if it doesn't look cool. there's the crying eye element which would make me think sheikah but also it's so very different than the sheikah eye logomark we've known all this time????

new arm looks dead. did ganon's arm get grafted on him. tf.

also if this is sheikah tech it is not a flavor we have seen yet. unsure if it IS sheikah or my hope for twilight tech.

the thing on his belt ARE WE GETTING LIMITED CHARGES OF SOMETHING. WHAT IS THIS. IT LOOKS LIKE CAPSULES.

MY HYPERFOCUS AND SPECIAL INTEREST IN ZELDA IS EVERYWHERE RIGHT NOW AHHHHHH

yeah we def DIYing our own shit now hehehehe

ALSO LOOK AT YHE FACE ON HIS TRACTOR WHAT CULTURE ARE YOU FROM THIS LOOKS LIKE. IDK SOUTH AMERICAN VAGYELY INCAN SHIT. ANOTHER STRING FOR THE TWILIGHT REALM PIN

IT'D ALSO EXPLAIN WHY THERE WAS THAT AREA IN BOTW THAT HAD VAGUELY INCAN LOOKING ARCHITECTURE AND IT JUST WAS NEVER EXPLAINED

I THINK THE TWILIGHT REALM IS THE EXPLAN wait link did you just. grab a random stable for your tractor. is that what that wooden structure is. oh my god babygirl.

99 luftballon also yall see the very angular smoke coming from that floaty bit on the left right. let me. screenshots one sec.

also look at twilight architecture while i find screenshots

k this was the best i could find but the lil squares and shit. it's always been very TP. and now elements of that are being brought to totk.

there is so. much. thread. on the "twilight realm" pin rn on this mental conspiracy theory board.

link gets goody baskets from the sky now

also adding more conspiracy theory thread. the architecture from the twilight realm uses that cyan color.

also idr if tp uses reversed vocals at all but i know that in general loz uses a lot of audio cues, and will back that thing up and reverse it, and /flaps wildly/

i am conspiracy theorying so hard yall IM SO ECCITRD FOR RHIS GAME

ZELDA SAYS "LEND HIM YOUR POWER" NOT "LEND ME YOUR POWER" "LEND HIM YOUR POWER" IM 90% SURE SHES TALKING ABOUT GANON AND IF SHE IS DO WE GET GANONDORF IN A BIGGER ROLE THIS TIME OH MY GOD

AHHHH YHE ERHU SOUNDING INSTRUMENT PLAYING ZELDAS LULLABY IM CRYING YALL

ok so a few things (i started out with 'two things' and then the list kept growing)

that arm is definitely dead. still not convinced that's his original arm.

he's tossing the master sword to go save zelda oh my god i'm crying yall (listen the knight who would risk everything for his charge is a trope i would die for and apparently so will link)

that arm is glowing red. that specific red has been the color of Malice TM and Ganon TM in botw

this clip comes right before the 'lend him your power' line I AM 98.88% SURE THAT IS GANON'S ARM god the conspiracy threads are so tangled rn yall

another thing, he's got that... idk, brass banding thing? from earlier? off of his arm in this clip. and now the arm is glowing woooooo so that tells me that whatever it was, it was keeping the Malice TM away, probably away from consuming him too much.

how heavily will we see the consequences of malice eating away at him, idk.

but given that the malice has like. eaten away at his clothes, even the leather that's keeping his shit in place (look at how worn it is in the second pic compared to his completely fine and unmarked bracer on his left arm), wait where was i going with this. oh yeah. this seems like Malice is a fast acting thing.

also fwiw a good handful of other folks in the video comments are also talking about how they're reminded of twilight princess so i don't think it's TOO far fetched.

---- end copy paste, time for More Of My Opinion B) ----

so at this point i'm pretty sure of a few things but it's also late at night so i could probably be convinced of almost anything. that said, i'm pretty sure of a few things.

that's no longer link's original arm. (my best bet is it's ganon's arm.)

the twilight realm, dark realm, mirror realm, whatever it is, it's coming back. it's not far fetched given that botw is sorta a conglomerate of a lot of elements from previous games, or has easter eggs from a lot of other games (eg tingle's islands, lon lon ranch), and TP was one of their biggest games.

ganon and link swapping arms could also explain(?) why that golem has magnesis keeping it together. tho this feels like a stretch.

90% sure we're having more involved puzzle dungeons again which i'm excited about.

i'm preordering this game idc what you think

[saunterfics]

On Roseph and why I'm shying away from requests for them

Uh so. I've only played two routes and I've been very much keeping to shipping Dadsona with dads bc that's kinda the point of a dating sim and one thing is that I'm really into both Craig and Robert in their own rights. I don't know anything about Joseph's route other than it's got no good ending, but either way, I feel like even so, Dadsona is genuine to them in each of the dad's routes. So I can only say that in this moment, I am most definitely unable to ship Joseph/Robert bc I've realized what made me feel hesitant about the idea in the first place. From the perspective of Dadsona/You/Me, which is the perspective I'm taking right now in my enjoyment of the game and my writings, especially bc wow, this representation is really rare and it's so nice to have an explicitly queer masculine, non-female identifying MC who's not explicitly cismale gay either paired with male-identifying characters, who also are obviously not straight but sexual identity isn't the point of this game. One huge important point also being: this is not fetishized. It's not some BL visual novel or yaoi plot. It's legit, mlm and it lets you remember that mlm doesn't just mean "gay cismales". There's no "I'm not gay but I love you" thing as if we should feel special that they fell in love with US but remember, I'm Straight. There's the comfort in knowing that I can identify as whatever the fuck I am and these guys don't give a damn, they're comfortable with who they are too and don't feel the need to cling onto their nice position in society as Straight but also expect you to feel so blessed that they are giving you their affections even if, by claiming to be Still Straight, they're really just trying to avoid all the societal issues and trauma that comes with identifying as anything but, and you're kinda left to deal with that yourself. No, in this game, I feel like I get to go through anything with them. Any of the dads. And that's kinda amazing to me. I suppose the bottom line is, for the moment and as far as I know, I want to keep this as mostly a personal experience that I kinda can share with others through writing in 2nd person. And what spurred this comment is all the Joseph/Robert insinuation that's just seemingly...been increasing? Nothing wrong with ppl pairing who they wanna ship, but my own discomfort stems from the implications that Robert is still, in the present tense, involved with Joseph. Even while Dadsona goes through the storyline and all. It is possible, but I would rather not have to go through the whole questioning of "So was Robert genuine to Dadsona or not?" I'd rather not have things like suspicion involved in that...? I'll admit, this game has been a major self-insert for me, but dude, it's a dating sim. That's kinda the point. So in a sense, I don't want to be so appreciative of Robert and feel so excited to write about what it's probably like to be with Robert and then suddenly be entwined in all this Joseph/Mary/Robert conspiracy where, to put it briefly, the situation is not pretty in any sense. Can't I just...have my man and know he's levels of fucked up emotionally but at least know that he's been real towards the MC? What with the ending being him wanting to "sort himself out", I'd like to interpret it as him getting his shit together and having a real hard look at himself and bringing up the courage to talk to Val - like, realistic shit like these that are actually really hard to face emotionally, especially given how deep he probably is in his self-loathing and all. Not that he's "gonna get himself out of the cult and break ties with Joseph". I don't think I'll get into shipping the dads together soon, if at all. I might think differently once I play Joseph's route, but something really doesn't sit right with me if all this is supposed to be happening simultaneously as Dadsona dates Robert, too. I've kinda stayed away from the whole Christiansen debate because there are many levels of difficult when it comes to what's " faithful" in a relationship and what should be a "dealbreaker." I don't think I'll ever be getting into that. I love Robert and all the exploration that I can do with his character so much (when involved with someone in a /healthy/ relationship) that I don't quite want to go down the route of "There's no way he and Joseph are healthy in any way but hey the BDSM is HOT." Oh, that's it. I can't do unhealthy smutfics. Like, what I love about writing about kink, and especially Dom/sub relationships is that they are many, many layers deep and requires an immense amount of trust and emotional connection. It needs to be built carefully, genuinely (as in, open communication), and continuously. With Joseph married, for Pete's sake, and being the type of guy who's not willing to face his emotions to deal with his feelings for Mary and Dadsona in the end, there's no way it's any bit healthy with Robert. So I guess, you are welcome to request a lot of gross shit from me and I'd be right on board with you, but not if it's a dubious relationship where I can only see it being harmful to both and all parties. tldr; BDSM is not supposed to be abusive. Joseph/Robert, as they are, are abusive to each other. There's nothing hot about two guys who don't want to open up to each other and are just fucking bc they can't handle the pain in their hearts. And really, there isn't enough material for me to want to build a "future, healthier" relationship for them just so I can see it be possible in my eyes.

[becccaaawww1989]

*Long Post, But If You Like Reading Please Read*

So I've decided to take on a huge project that probably SHOULD have been done sooner, but I don't think COULD have possibly been done sooner. So here's the story and here's the project:

!STORY TIME!

I was a creative writing major in college... However, I have not written anything for a year, and the whole year prior to that, every time I sat down with a notebook or at the computer it was torture. I used to save my creative writing homework for last cause I knew I'd enjoy it, but my final year that wasn't the case. I was told in my creative writing classes that my writing - if it was good enough - would protect me. It would protect me from those embarrassing moments I was writing about, and from the anger of other people because when it breaks down to it, it's a story and we read for good stories. Well, that wasn't the case. My writing was good, and that wasn't the case. Rob was wrong. I was wrong.

Then enter two years of depression followed by anxiety. Pretty much convinced I had no support from anyone in my life and then at the same time my anxiety started making up conspiracy theories about myself... how convenient. I stopped going to church, I stopped really believing in God [like I KNEW, but like... do you even care? Clearly not, so why do I put my trust in you? Type thing]. Through a very emotional night I confessed what I had been holding in for months about my confusion, bitterness and anger to Evan and of course Evan suggested I start going back to church but I was so reluctant. I didn't want to, but any time I went with him I felt almost as if my body had been full of static (like TV static) before church, and after it was like living with a clear screen. I could breathe for a little bit.

So this one day, I am sitting at work, minding my own business and this little girl comes in and gets a french manicure. Conversations take off and she starts telling me how her Dad's a pastor and I started to open up a little bit about my story and my doubts and that I grew up in church yada yada yada. So she invited me to her church... and feeling like it was maybe God finally paying attention to me again, I went. And I continued to go for a couple of months. They were warm and welcoming and EVERYTHING I WANTED... but any time there were events, my schedule didn't match up and I started to think that even though Solid Rock was what brought me back into the habit of going to church, maybe that wasn't where I was supposed to be. Which sucked cause there were a lot of amazing people there.

So then this one day I was tapping through Instagram stories and my friend from freshman year of college had posted this quick story about the church she had started going to, 2|42. I sent her a quick message about what it was like, and she was happy to respond. I then texted Evan and said "we are checking out another church." I swear I could hear his eyes roll through the phone.

Showed up at 2|42 and it was kind of everything I wanted, but for the longest time couldn't find a way to connect so while I was still going to 2|42 I was looking around at other churches... being me and preparing for the future I was already thinking "okay, I want my kids to be able to be in JBQ and Missionettes..." but I felt God pull me back and kind of tap me on the shoulder and remind me that I don't know what the future holds or if I'm still gonna be around the area for that. I had so much else to worry about before I worried about JBQ for my currently nonexistent kids. So focusing on the now, I ended up staying.

In the meantime with all of this going on, (excuse the language, but I can't find a better way to describe it...) shit hit the fan in my own personal life. I was battling with my roommate pretty much almost on a daily basis, feeling left out - on purpose - belittled, ignored and I honestly don't know what I ever did to her. As well as the Gymnastics Club board was having issues and I cared way too much about them that their stubbornness and my will to fight for myself was causing issues. When it came to personal interactions between people I called friends, I knew that I was no longer this sweet innocent freshman, I had some dirt on my hands, blood on my face, and in a lot of ways I wasn't afraid to show it. Creative writing encouraged me to un-sensor my work, so you could say my vocabulary expanded. It taught me how to talk about things in my writing that I typically wouldn't talk about. Personal thoughts, experiences, family issues, fears, intimate conversations and connections with friends. But in most conversations it felt like I would have been more respected by the people that surrounded me in my everyday life, if I had just stayed sweet and innocent, and never stood up for myself... or had never even written at times. It was as if they respected me as a Christian when I was 100% all about Jesus all the time, but didn't respect me/my beliefs when I was struggling with my faith - which is a common thing to struggle with. It was as if loosing my innocence was what lost me respect which was strange because everyone else was allowed to lose their innocence and they were welcomed with open arms into the club of people that could earn the "Platinum Certificate of Depravity." So after a night at sidetracks, I said goodbye to Dave, told him I loved him and I remember closing the door that night and deciding I needed a break.

The weeks that followed were ones where I was realizing that if I wanted to keep my income (as a nail technician) I would have to retire from gymnastics. I could not pull out one final season. So the plan was to talk to the board and strike a deal to keep my position without doing gymnastics for one last year and see if anyone wanted to be "trained" to take it over from me. But if it hadn't been for a warning from a close friend, I would have been blindsided when told that the board had not only talked about it without including me or notifying me, but had also decided that in order to continue making the videos for the team for the 2018 - 2019 season and posting on the Instagram and promoting the club... not only would i be doing that for free, but I would also have to pay the FULL 210 club dues. Without doing any of the gymnastics that came along with it. Which was the reason we were all there to begin with. I wasn't going to pay to do a job I should be getting paid for, and I wasn't going to pay to record everyone doing things I wished i could still physically do... which by the way, sucks. So I quit right then and there, handed over passwords and walked away. I gave away most of my leotards a month ago. *Not belittling the club or the current board, I am just explaining my decisions and how it felt.*

But it really left me feeling alone. All I had was work, Evan and my roommates. However, 2|42 was promoting this thing called ROOTED. If you joined there was a chance you would become a small group afterwards, so after weeks of saying no, I finally said yes. The group was a total God thing, and tonight was the first night since quitting the gymnastics club and completely walking away from it that I felt like I was going to - in all aspects of my life - be okay.

So... with that being said, I have been thinking about it, and it is about to be a huge project. But I have gone through, removed all previous pieces of writing from my blog, it is currently "Under Construction". This will take MONTHS. But I have started writing again. It is darker, and heavier and not what one would expect. However, I want to show the transformation of my life through my writing. From the moments of lost friends, to realizing that I had lost them, to the issues that followed, with the loss of faith, to feeling - like I said - covered in dirt, scares, lies, pain, drama, ultimatums and the struggle between wanting to break away from it all and become someone or something else or becoming and embracing the person you are meant to be with all of your dirt all over you. Innocence gone, friends gone, yearly traditions gone, mock awards gone, potlucks gone, Halloween and Christmas parties gone, leaving group chats, exiting conversations... to this life that has gone from a bad reputation to someone who is reclaiming it. Surrounded to alone and from alone to surrounded. From unforgivable to forgiven. From supported to unsupported from writing stories to writing poetry, from innocent -> Guilty -> Forgiven and finally a story of life without God to a life with God.

I would really love the support from anyone who enjoys reading. You can follow the link and click on the follow button or (with that button) set up an email that will be linked when I first re-launch it. I will probably share this again, but I am really excited to "relaunch" something that has had such a negative impact on my life and turn it into something I am proud of.