#i literally threw up an hour after finding out I'm moving from the anxiety

[avpdpossum]

Hi. After following a hyperfixation rabbit hole (thank you, ADHD and Autism) I have been wondering if I have AvPD. I've been obsessively researching it for a while now, and it would make a lot of sense for the struggles i've been facing that just aren't really explained by my other diagnoses but also aren't really *normal* per se, but I'm scared I'm wrong or just looking for something else to be "wrong" (i put wrong in quotes bc i dont think any disability/mental illness is actually something wrong, but that's how a lot of the people around me perceive it) with me so I feel like my suffering is more valid. My thoughts and hang ups are this:

I feel like my avoidance isn't severe enough to qualify (also me: hasn't made a follow-up appointment with either my neurologist or psychiatrist bc the idea of making the phone call "wrong" is crushing; changes the time I eat lunch so I don't have to either ask to sit with the people I know would let me sit with them bc they consider me or a friend or have them see me sitting alone even tho I literally like them and want them to be my friends; still haven't applied for my college housing accoms that I literally need bc I'm too scared i'll get turned down; feels crushing embarrassment even existing in the same space as my roommate; has a grand total of 1 friend)

It could just be my social anxiety/autism/agoraphobia. I feel like none of these really explain how deeply I feel rejection (my best friend was too busy to eat dinner with me like we usually do bc finals season and I nearly threw up bc of how much it hurt, and I ended up in tears for almost an hour) or just how crushingly embarrassing I find being perceived by others/existing to be (I literally can't make phone calls unless I'm locked in my dorm without my roommate there because I feel like people will judge me for doing a normal human activity like answering my mom's phone call; can't brush my teeth in the morning bc what if people see and only do it at night when most of the dorm hall is asleep), the constant reassurance I need from people (I'm constantly asking my best friend (only friend really) if I'm annoying them/too much work/going to get left by them/actually welcome to hang out with them).

I also wonder if my self-esteem is too high since I know low self-esteem is a key part of AvPD? I don't feel like I'm inferior academically/intelligence wise, hell I'm kind of arrogant in that respect, but also feel like I'm not good enough/interesting enough/pretty enough/funny enough for someone to want to be around me and have struggled with suicidal ideation because of it. I sometimes (by that I mean almost weekly) have meltdowns where I end up just wallowing in my own self-hatred for hours and ignoring people's texts/my homework bc I feel like i'm not good enough to have friends/long term partners.

I'm also not particularly quiet when I *am* in social situations. I tend to blurt out whatever's on my mind, even though I immediately regret it 99.9999% of the time, and my ADHD impulsivity results in me interrupting people a lot even tho it makes me feel like a horrible person. I always feel like I've overshared to everyone (tho my best friend, the only person I can be around all the time and not have a meltdown, says I actually under-share and should open up more to people).

I don't have any childhood trauma that could have caused it, at least I don't think? Like. My parents are amazing, they've always been there for me emotionally and physically. I was kind of bullied in pre-school through elementary school (people would take stuff from my bag and throw it and make me "fetch like a dog," I was really short so they'd hold stuff out of my reach) and never really had friends in middle school, just these three girls who let me hang out with them when I was around but would ignore my texts a lot, not invite me places they were going, etc, and after I moved away just before high school i didn't really bother to try making friends bc even tho i was lonely it just didn't seem like it was worth it bc they wouldn't like me anyway and I was just gonna go to college soon and they'd leave me then but none of that's really traumatizing?

I don't know. I feel like it really fits but also like if it were actually a big enough problem to qualify as a personality disorder my therapist would have caught it by now? And I'm scared to bring it up bc if she thinks i'm wrong i'll probably never want to talk to her again bc i'd be so embarrassed. Sorry, this was really long. If you actually read all of this, I guess I just want to ask if you think it's even possible I could have it.

i'll give you the short answer first: yes, it's absolutely possible that you could have it. i can't tell you if you do or not, but i can tell you that all of the doubts you mentioned are things i've personally struggled with while figuring my avpd out.

i'll put a much more in-depth answer addressing each of your concerns under the cut:

I'm scared I'm wrong

here's the thing: being wrong doesn't hurt anyone. people will act like researching your own potential diagnoses and coming to the wrong conclusion is the end of the world, but the reality is, there's very little actual harm that could come from a self-misdiagnosis.

with a clinical diagnosis, if the doctor is wrong, that could end with consequences like taking the wrong medication or doing therapies that do more harm than good to you. but just doing your own research and coming to your own conclusion? the worst that happens is you use the wrong word for a while and then eventually realize it doesn't fit as well as you thought it did, or you ask a doctor about it and they decide it's not a good fit and (if they're a good doctor) help guide you toward a more accurate explanation of what you're experiencing. either way, there's no harm done!

or just looking for something else to be "wrong" with me so I feel like my suffering is more valid

here's the thing: whether avpd is the answer or not, you're suffering. and if you're suffering and you want to better understand why that's happening, you're allowed to do that! your suffering is valid whether there's a name attached to it or not, but that doesn't mean it's wrong to want a name for it. it's only natural to want to understand why you feel the way you do and find people like you.

and if you're worried about a "psychology student syndrome" kind of thing – that you might just be projecting symptoms onto yourself that you don't really experience – the best thing you can do for that is to take some time to really look at yourself and your life and see if you see those things taking place. don't worry about if they're "as bad" as other people's; if you see examples of those things in your life and you're suffering because of them, that's all it takes to know you're genuinely experiencing it.

I feel like my avoidance isn't severe enough to qualify

it seems like you already know this on some level, but yeah, all of the things you listed after this sentence absolutely sound like some pretty significant avoidance to me. again, i can't tell you if it's avpd or not, but those do sound like the kinds of things i would count toward my own self-diagnosis if it were me.

there's no hard line of how severe your avoidance has to be, or any real way to objectively measure severity in the first place. if those things are getting in the way of you living your life and/or causing you to suffer emotionally, that means they're bad enough to be taken into consideration.

the secret is, almost no one feels like what they're experiencing is bad enough. i've had times in my life where my avoidance literally almost killed me, and i still wonder if it's "bad enough". don't let that imposter syndrome feeling stop you from better understanding your brain and getting the support you need.

It could just be my social anxiety/autism/agoraphobia. I feel like none of these really explain how deeply I feel rejection or just how crushingly embarrassing I find being perceived by others/existing to be, the constant reassurance I need from people.

this feeling was actually exactly what started me on the path that led to me realizing i had avpd. i knew that i was autistic and socially anxious, and i thought for a long time that those explained what i was experiencing, but the more i interacted with people around me who were also socially anxious autistics, the more i realized i was dealing with something none of them seemed to understand.

and all of the things you described – intense emotional dysregulation caused by rejection and embarrassment and needing constant reassurance to function in social situations – are classic avpd things. so i would say, if your gut tells you those things aren't being explained well enough by the words you already have to describe yourself, avpd is definitely worth considering.

I don't feel like I'm inferior academically/intelligence wise, hell I'm kind of arrogant in that respect, but also feel like I'm not good enough/interesting enough/pretty enough/funny enough for someone to want to be around me and have struggled with suicidal ideation because of it. I sometimes (by that I mean almost weekly) have meltdowns where I end up just wallowing in my own self-hatred for hours and ignoring people's texts/my homework bc I feel like i'm not good enough to have friends/long term partners.

hey, you're talking to the guy who's not just avoidant but also a narcissist. avpd can absolutely coexist with being highly confident (or even overconfident) in certain parts of yourself.

it also sounds like that confidence is an exception to the rule. feeling like you're "not X enough" for other people to the point of having self-isolation spirals or suicidal ideation because of it are really common forms of low self-esteem in avpd. if you ever here an avoidant refer to having an "avpd spiral" or "shame spiral", the experience they're talking about is a lot like what you described.

I'm also not particularly quiet when I *am* in social situations. I tend to blurt out whatever's on my mind, even though I immediately regret it 99.9999% of the time, and my ADHD impulsivity results in me interrupting people a lot even tho it makes me feel like a horrible person. I always feel like I've overshared to everyone

the stereotype of avpd is a super shy and quiet person, and some of us definitely are like that (myself included), but not all avoidants are. there are some who mask their avoidance by coming off as incredibly social and talking to people a lot, and others who (like you described) talk a lot even if they don't want to because of other aspects of their neurotype.

i think those feelings of regret and shame that you feel in response to what you're saying are really the important thing here. those internal experiences are much more fundamental to what avpd is than how they present externally, so the fact that you're experiencing them means i definitely wouldn't count avpd out just because you're not as quiet as some of us are.

I don't have any childhood trauma that could have caused it, at least I don't think? Like. My parents are amazing, they've always been there for me emotionally and physically. I was kind of bullied in pre-school through elementary school and never really had friends in middle school, just these three girls who let me hang out with them when I was around but would ignore my texts a lot, not invite me places they were going, etc

first of all, a history of trauma isn't actually required to have avpd. it's often assumed that personality disorders are also trauma disorders because they are often associated with trauma, but there's nothing suggesting that's always the case.

there's also research that has shown some people are born predisposed to avpd. it tends to cluster in families along with social anxiety, suggesting there's some sort of heritable aspect, and some research suggests avpd might start in childhood with a person having a nervous system that's naturally hypersensitive to certain triggers.

it's also important to remember that the kinds of trauma that can lead to something like avpd aren't always things we would look at as obvious trauma. for example, one paper i found said that a possible form of trauma that could lead to avpd is having an overprotective parent – the parent projects their fears onto the child and, despite just trying to keep them safe out of genuine love and care, ends up teaching their child that the world is dangerous. we might not look at that kind of parenting and automatically see it as traumatizing, and it's hard to fault that parent for trying to keep their child safe, bu the result for the child is the same. especially if we are born with more sensitive nervous systems than the average person, things that seem totally mundane could have a significant impact on how our brains develop.

all of that to say, it is possible that the experiences you described –being bullied in school and excluded by your friends – had enough of an impact to cause the struggles you're experiencing now, even if they don't feel like trauma. it's also possible that they're unrelated, because avpd (if that is what you're experiencing) can develop even in the absence of trauma.

I feel like it really fits but also like if it were actually a big enough problem to qualify as a personality disorder my therapist would have caught it by now?

you'd be surprised what therapists don't catch, especially if there's a much more common and less "scary" label (like social anxiety) that can, on the surface, explain away what you're experiencing. i've been seeing my therapist for 8 or 9 years now and she's very aware of my avoidant tendencies, including how much they get in the way of my life, but she still never brought up avpd with me. whether it’s because they just don’t hear about avpd enough to think of it, because they avoid diagnosing personality in general, because they don’t know “do with” avpd and would rather assume it’s something they do know how to handle, or because they think avpd is just another word for severe social anxiety, a lot of therapists will see all the signs of avpd in a patient but never actually bring up avpd as a possibility.

at the end of the day, you know better than anyone how much of a problem these struggles are for you. if you think this really could be the explanation, don't worry about what she did or didn't catch. therapists aren't infallible; they're human, and they can miss things.

I'm scared to bring it up bc if she thinks i'm wrong i'll probably never want to talk to her again bc i'd be so embarrassed

i 100% get that fear. i actually had that happen to me with my therapist – i brought up a few theories of mine to her, she shot them all down, and i ended up stopping our sessions and eventually going to a different therapist for a while because i felt like i couldn't trust her anymore. ultimately, i went back to her (mostly because the second therapist was an incredibly condescending asshole and my parents didn’t know of any other options), but i honestly still haven't brought avpd up to her to this day because of that.

so i can't blame you at all, and it's okay if you feel like you need to work up to bringing this up with her. try doing some more research and getting more confident in your theory so you feel like you can explain it well to her, and maybe even put together a collection of the evidence you have for it – examples of how you feel like you exhibit the symptoms, things like that – so you have something to hand to her instead of having to explain it on the spot. once you've looked into it more on your own, you can reevaluate how confident you feel in the theory and decide if it's time to talk to her.

in the meantime, you could try testing the waters to see how she might respond to you bringing up a theory. there are some therapists who are super against patients doing their own research and having their own ideas about what's going on, so it’s good to know if your therapist is one of those people ahead of time instead of finding out the hard way.

i would also recommend telling her that exact fear if/when you do bring this up to her. that sentiment of "one somewhat negative interaction is all it takes for my embarrassment to be so bad that i can never talk to you again" is a really common thing with avpd, and is one of the reasons a lot of avoidants struggle with therapy. so being honest about that fear can both help her understand that she needs to be cautious in her approach if she does disagree with you and could actually make her more likely to agree.

I guess I just want to ask if you think it's even possible I could have it.

so yeah, like i said at the beginning of this, i think it's very possible that you could have avpd. i can't tell you for sure, but pretty much everything you've described here sounds very familiar to me as an avoidant person, so at the very least i think it's definitely worth looking into further and seeing if it continues to feel accurate as you learn more.

i hope this helps! and whether you end up concluding that you're avoidant or that there's something else going on, i hope you're able to find the understanding and support that you need.

[cjjohansson]

YOU'RE IT FOR ME

SUMMARY ; you and Natasha argue over your mission gone wrong.

supersolider!reader x natasha romanoff

angst/fluff.

fighting/blood/injury/swearing word count;3.4k - this is my first ever attempt at writing anything. im so sorry if its terrible.

As always Steve woke you up at stupid oclock in the morning to brief you on a quick unexpected intel mission. He told you the base you were being sent to has not long been abandoned and if anyone was there, to eliminate the threat like you always do. Lucky for you, you had super-solider serum running through your veins so this mission was simple and easy for you to complete alone. You only had to retrieve some files on HYDRA creating another super-solider serum.

However Natasha wasn’t too happy about you being woken up so early meaning she had to wake up to a cold bed and you were nowhere to be seen throughout the whole compound. She looked around for you everywhere only to end up running quite literally into Steve, he obviously knew who she was looking for and finally spoke up, “Oh, if you're looking for Y/N, they went on a quick mission.”

“What do you mean a ‘quick mission’, they would have come to say bye?” Natasha responded suspiciously due to the fact that you would never leave without saying bye or giving her a quick peck on her lips regardless of how long the mission would take.

“A quick intel mission, the only person I could see who had potential in succeeding was them. Woke them up 3 hours ago, they should be back within 2. They’re fine Natasha, you don't need to worry.” Steve thought to quickly remind her that you were more than capable than going on a mission alone and that you certainly didn't need to be worried about, you’re a super-solider for god sake.

“OK, just next time notify me too when they’re going so I'm not walking around looking.” Natasha walked away straight after that proceeding to the training room to blow off some steam about the fact that you didn’t say bye.

Meanwhile

you had got to the base a little over 2 hours ago, and when Steve told you this base was abandoned you had no idea why you actually decided to believe him. The base was in fact NOT abandoned and within the first 10 minutes of you slowly making your way to the base from the quinjet you was swarmed with at least 10 HYDRA agents. You worked as quickly as you could taking out the threats left right and centre with your guns and some quite literally being thrown straight into some trees. You managed to get the agents down in record time, you was quite impressed with yourself to say the least but you knew you should call for backup, you reached for your comms only to be met with a sickening buzzing sound surrounding your ear drums, you threw your ear piece onto the floor and just continued towards the base. At the end of the day you still had a mission to complete after all.

You finally made your way into the base to see that maybe Steve was right about one thing: the base itself was abandoned but the surroundings were not. “Idiot” you thought to yourself about Steve sending you on a mission with not all accurate information.

You’re making your way through the base using your enhanced hearing for anything that doesn't sound right, guess it's somewhat of your lucky day when you hear nothing so you continue your path down the long narrow corridor to finally reach the head scientists room to gather the files about HYDRAs own knowledge on developing a new form of super-solider serum. You always wondered why people had an obsession with powered and enhanced people but at the same time you understood why. You just wished yours wasn't forced on to you and that you were given a choice but you were soon to be one of HYDRAs secret weapons, but when the Avengers found you, you had just been injected with the serum. The Avengers were infiltrating HYDRA bases when Lokis scepter had been stolen, they found you just in time and took you in straight away.

Plugging in the usb drive to transfer all data, the transfer popping up onto the screen telling you that it would take 10 minutes, “Easy enough.” that's what you had thought until you could hear footsteps coming from down the corridor. Quite heavy, long strides, possibly over 6ft tall, only one person, even better. You made your way to hide behind the door so when it opened you could attack right away, but that never came. Instead a metal arm came crashing through the wall you were standing up against grabbing you by the throat and throwing you half way down the corridor, it took you a moment for you to try and stand up but by the time you was about to stand a fist was already being swung towards your face, keeping you locked on the floor below him. You knew this soldier was like you, you could feel it but you also knew that you might not get out of this fight easily, they were much stronger. That face looked familiar, the blurring of your vision from the hits making it harder to properly see but you knew it was familiar. The beating continued with left and right hooks being thrown against your face, the blood rushing out of new cuts across your face, your busted lip and most likely broken nose. You couldn't give up. You knew that for sure. You managed to find the strength to start dodging the punches coming right at you but you knew you needed to get that drive and get going quickly. Rolling out from underneath the soldier as they went to drive their metal arm straight into your face you grabbed your gun and shot the soldier in the stomach and sprinted  back to the room to collect the usb and get going, you knew it was the only way to run rather than end up dying here alone. You finally reached the doors of the base to continue your sprint when you heard that sound of a bullet coming straight out of a gun, it buried itself right into the back of your left leg but you had to keep moving, the blood gushing from your face and now from your leg reminded you to definitely tell Steve to “fuck off” when he comes into your room before the suns even up again. Continuing the sprint, you started to only imagine one thing. That Natasha was going to have your head when you got back to the compound.

You could see the quinjet right in front of you and you had never been so happy to see one so much in your life but just as you was to step one foot onto the jet another two shots were heard behind you, you KNEW this soldier wasn't going to give up and you definitely knew they would keep up with you. The bullets finally lodged themselves into your body, one straight into your right leg and the other straight into your lower back coming out through your stomach. This wasn't good. You were just about on the jet pulling yourself up as the option to stand wasn't even an option anymore, telling FRIDAY to close the hatch and get in the air and back to the compound as quickly as it could and make sure to have medical on stand by as you land. Moving yourself to try and sit in one of the chairs holding pressure to your gunshot wound in your stomach, you heard a familiar voice ring through the speakers of the jet.

“Y/N come in, do you copy?” Natasha. Just as you go to open your mouth to reply your vision starts to blur and all that you manage to croke out are inaudible slurs, until your vision completely goes black.

To say Natasha was pissed off at Steve and you was an understatement. Oh if looks could kill Steve would already be 6 foot under. They stood on the landing pad waiting for the quinjet to arrive back at the compound but what they were expecting was not what they finally saw when the door to the quinjet opened. There you laid on the floor, choking on the air and laying in a puddle of your own blood, paler than anything they had ever seen. Before Steve and Natasha could even make it to the quinjet fully, the medical team were rushing in and putting you on a stretcher taking you straight into surgery. Natasha didn’t even make a move she stood there completely lost with that imagine in her head, but as soon as a doctor shouted you had no pulse it was like she was snapped back into reality her body was on flight mode, she made the move to try and run to you as quickly as possible but Steve had already grabbed her round the waist and was holding back against her vicious punches and kicks shouting at him to ‘let her go or he will regret it’. The sounds of Natashas shouting soon caught the ears of some of the other Avengers, running outside one by one came Wanda, Bucky and Sam. Confused by the commotion until they finally heard the sobs of Natasha in Steve's arms and the puddle of blood in the quinjet, they instantly knew this was about you.

Natasha had been pacing around the waiting room for 2 hours now, everyone telling her, you're ok and the surgery will be over with soon. But they didn't know if you were ok and when the surgery would be over they just wanted Natasha to sit down and stop pacing. Just as Natasha finally took a seat a doctor walked straight in front of them staring at Natasha.

“Are they alive?” Natashas voice coming out weak filled the waiting room, the anxiety from the question entering everyone's mind to know the truth.

“Yes”

They all finally let out a breath none of them knew they were holding. Natasha finally looks down and letting some more silent tears roll down her cheeks, she looks up at the doctor.

“Can I see them?” no one has ever heard Natasha sound so weak and vulnerable, they all knew yous were together, yous never kept it a secret openly flirting in front of everyone and you making it very clear who Natasha was to you at parties when you'd go up to her at the bar and put your arms around her waist and start slowly kissing her neck no matter who she was involved in a conversation with. But no one had ever seen this side of your relationship, the hard side of worrying and panicking when one of you was injured or on a mission. The vulnerable side and lets just say you and Natasha were not ones to let people see you both so small and fragile.

Following the doctor into another room there you laid on the bed your stomach wrapped tightly and also your legs, the bruising on your face a nice bright purple. Your skin had slowly started to have more colour in and Natasha had never been so relieved. She made her way over slowly towards your bed afraid any type of sound would wake you up. She wanted you to rest, but part of her wanted to shout and scream at you for not calling for backup or even just turning around and coming back home. Turns out she wasn't as quiet as the sound of the chair moving wakes you up from your sleep.

The bright lights make you hiss and groan. You make your way to sit up thinking it was all a dream, that is until you feel two sets of hands on each side of your body pushing you down.

“Lay back down y/n, you're hurt.” Natasha, there it is again that sweet voice you've spent months waking up too, but it's different. It sounds broken like she has been crying and is about too again at any given moment. Opening your eyes was a struggle but you finally got there. In the room stood Steve, Wanda, Sam and Bucky and sat next to you ever so gently holding your hand is your Natasha. You go to turn towards Natasha but Bucky catches your eye, everyone sees the hesitance in whether or not you want to finally speak.

“He looked like you.” that's all you manage to choke out before Nat is passing you a cup of water to drink slowly. Everyone starts to look around confused straight from you back to Bucky. Until you finally speak up again.

“The guy that attacked me at the base, thanks Steve by the way maybe next time send two people instead of one into an ‘abandoned’ base, yeah abandoned my arse.” Everyone smiles at your sarcasm but quickly pushes that to the side to ask the question everyone is so desperate to know.

“Babe,what do you mean by he looked like Bucky?” ah, Natashas voice, you simply turned and smiled at her squeezing her hand.

“Well like I said Talia, he looked exactly like Buck. Metal arm, red star. Long black hair. All the facial features are the same but not the eyes, they just looked black. Was hard to know for definite with the amount of punches I was receiving but if no one was to know Bucky like we do, then people would be sure that the Winter Soldier is alive and well.”

Bucky stood there dumbfounded not even knowing what to say or even think, everyone just looks confused at what you’re saying it makes no sense but then again yous are all in a room with three super-soliders, a witch, a highly trained ex-assassin and a guy that has robotic wings for christ sake.

“Ok i think we should all take a break give Nat and y/n some space ok? Come on guys, we can debrief you later y/n/n yeah?” Steves the one to speak up this time probably too confused and tired to have this conversation.

“I know what you're gonna say Tasha, and i'm not in the mood to hear it so can we leave the telling off until tomorrow? Ok, thanks means a lot.”

“No. we are talking about this now so it can be over with and we can move forward. Its simple really y/n/n youre a fucking idiot!” her voice starts to get louder as she continues her rant.

“You call for backup no matter the excuse you call for it or you get back on that jet and come back home no mission is worth more than your life you know that! Ugh, i’m so fucking angry at you for being so fucking reckless! You could have died? Why can't you see that? Just because you have that serum it doesn't make you invincible you know that but you've acted it! All of this for some files? How can you expect me to not be upset or angry? You’re my partner, and i love you more than anything but when you act like this it makes me think if you are even thinking about me when youre risking your life for some stupid usb.” she looks away as she continues to cry, your brain now trying to process all of these words but also all of these emotions. Wait, did she just say she loves you? You have been together for nearly a year now and neither of you had even said that yet, you both knew it but never dared to say it.

“You love me?” it's your turn to choke out now, you know you love her but one minute she is calling you reckless and an idiot then she is telling you she loves you?

“Of course i love you, you fucking idiot!”

“Ok, ok, still mad i got it” she slowly turns to glare at you this time but she sees your tears slowly rolling down your face and she instantly softens her glare. You take her hands into yours and you know you have to say it back because if you don't she is going to be even more mad than what she already is and one thing you don't want to deal with right now is a mad girlfriend because she is so scary.

“Hey Talia, listen ok? I love you too. I do, I really do. I'm sorry i was reckless, i should have come back but it was like my body was on auto mode and yes like you said that isn't an excuse i know that ok. I thought i'd be ok on my own and well clearly i wasn't as i’m in a hospital bed but i’m here. I know we both worry when we go on separate missions and I know you probably worried more because I didn't come and say goodbye but I was hoping to be back by the time you woke up. Steve said it was abandoned and when I got off the jet and started walking no one was there and then I was ambushed by some guards but I took them down with ease and there was no one else in sight, my comms went off and they were buzzing and I just carried on. I needed to do this mission baby, I needed to get this information about the serum so we can try and stop HYDRA creating more soldiers and putting them through pain. I’m sorry I've hurt you, I didn't mean to do that, I was just doing my job but I'll tell Steve for next time that if i’m to go on a solo mission that you need to be with me ok? No more solo missions, not just for me but for everyone. We need to be safe. Especially with another Winter Soldier walking around like he owns the place ok? I love you Natalia, I’m sorry.” you've already lowered your head at this point too embarrassed by telling her we all need to be safe and that you love her.

You feel one of her hands move from yours, you think she is gonna walk out but instead you feel the softness of her fingertips tracing the bruising on your cheekbones before you even have the chance to hiss at the tender touch her lips are pressed so intensely against yours. You've kissed many times before but this kiss, it's just so different it's as if she is trying to tell you exactly how much she loves you and how much she is happy you're here just by this kiss. You move your hand up to her face and slowly move it round to play with the hairs at the back of her neck, she hums and slowly stops kissing you. You didn't want that kiss to end and you groan in frustration and she chuckles at your little outburst, Nat leans her forehead against yours and finally lets out a breath. You're ok, she knows it now.

You both sit in comfortable silence for a while forehead to forehead until you feel a shooting pain in your stomach, you hiss in pain and move away to lie back down on your back. Natasha is up in an instant thinking she has hurt you but you're quick to calm her nerves.

“Baby it's ok, just some pain. Come and lay with me, please?” you pull your puppy dog face, a face you know she cannot resist. She simply smiles and makes her way back over to the bed as you shuffle over to make room for her. The next minute you're both lying and she is snuggled into your side, your hand drawing patterns on her back and her arm ever so carefully laying above your wrapped stomach.

You understood why she was mad at you, you put your life on the line and didn't think twice about how she would feel with the consequences. You hated yourself for that, you knew you'd feel the same if it was her laying here injured and not you but it wasn't.

The room was silent, a comfortable silence. One you and Natasha both could just relax too.

“When I said I love you y/n, I truly meant it. You're it for me” she moved her head off your chest to look into your eyes, her eyes held so much emotion and you knew right then and there again like you had known for the past year that you were going to marry this woman.

“And you're it for me Natalia Alianovna Romanoff. I love you Talia, forever and always.”

[wolfish-trickster]

Liar

final part (I like number 7, let's end it at number 7)

Loki x female!reader

Word count: 2,9K

Warnings: angst, typos (not when drunk gods are talking, those are intentional), drunk god bros™, hangover

Tag list:@gaitwae @lucywrites02 @hard-to-be-the-bard @birdgirl90 @laramoonworld @belovedadam @mascaracoffee @serebrum @myworldgoesboomz @lokis-leah @nickkie1129 @getyoutmoon @forevernthensome

A/N: thank you so much for reading this unexpected mini series❤️

Loki swayed from one side to another. His question still hanging in the air. Thor was struggling to get back up on his feet. When it looked like he's making progress, he fell down on his knees again and had to start over.

"Has any of you ever seen them like that?" Steve whispered.

Everyone shook their heads. Your eyes remained glued to Loki. He never drank. Well, if he had to he drank fine wine or some other 'fancy' alcohol from Tony's stash, but he never drank to the point of being drunk. Only slightly tipsy.

You remember the first time you saw him drink. It was a long time ago. Tony made him. He said it will make him 'turn that frown upside down'. You saw him drain the whole bottle that day and it did nothing to him. Only tainted his pale cheeks with slight pink. You've seen him drink more than a bottle since then, but it was never enough to make him stumble through his words, or sway around like Jack Sparrow. How much did he had?

Anxiety gnawed on you again. 'He drank because of you. Because of what you told him. Your words pushed a literal god to drink his sadness away.'

"Weeeell?" Loki asked again. When Thor fell down with a thud on the floor again Loki rolled his eyes and was at least pretending to help him stand up. You swear you heard him whisper something along the lines of 'get up you outgrown lightning mouse, don't embarass me in front of her', but that could've been just your imagination.

"For god's sake, how much did you guys have?" Sam asked and Bucky stole Rex from his lap while he was distracted.

Thor while leaning on the back of the couch was counting his fingers. After a while he gave up. "A lot. We made our anescesterors proud," he bared his teeth in a proud grin.

"You mean ancestors, right?"

Thor's head turned to Nat. "Yes! We had a whoooole barrel. One for me," he hugged his brooding brother around shoulders (more like leaned on him with his entire weight) "and one for Kiki," the childish nickname earned Thor a massive shove to the side. "Do not call me dat!"

Bruce facepalmed. "Guys, what are we gonna do with them?"

Clint pulled out his phone, recording everything. "Enjoy while it lasts."

You smacked his phone away, a sudden need to protect your (hopefully still) friend's dignity roused inside of you. "You can't!" you said louder than you wanted.

Clint just shook his head. "You're no fun Y/N," and put his phone away.

You frowned at them. "I know. I know I'm no fun, and I am annoying sometimes, and weak and dumb compared to all of you. I know all of that! I don't care!"

Bucky stared up at you. "What has gotten into you doll?"

"I'll tell you what. I was a bitch, okay? I was overthinking everything ever since I had that argument with Loki. His words started something inside of my head. I started to think they were true, that when my best friend thought those things what must all of you think. And even when I knew they were lies those thoughts stayed up here," you pointed at your head, "and I hate myself for still keeping them there. And just when I thought I'll finally make up with Loki and everything will be good again I fuck up!" you wiped an escaped tear, took a breath and continued.

"It's my fault he's like this. He was drinking because of what I said. All of this is because of me," you hugged your arms to comfort yourself a little. Everyone stared at you, including the drunk brothers.

What you were letting out of your mouth probably didn't make sense as a whole. They were just your anxious thoughts getting free, they didn't care in which order. All of that stress, everything that has been rotting inside of your chest is out now. You feel a little better.

"Daaaarlin', 's not your fault," Loki interrupted your train of thoughts, reminding you that just because you talked your heart out, it didn't fix your mistake of hurting him.

"Yeah, and whose then?" you said calmly.

Loki stood up straighter while still swaying a little. "The univers! She won't let us be toge'er, thas why I haf to make up with 'er," his british accent got deeper.

You slowly walked towards him. "No Loki, this is my fault. And I'll fix it too," you took him by his arm and slowly lead him away. To his bedroom. However, he protested.

"Wait! We have to give 'er flowerz," he leaned down to Thor and yanked some of the flowers along with his golden hair from Thor's head. "Y'kno, to makup."

You shook your head and walked with him a little faster. "You don't have to. All you have to do is go to sleep now."

When the Avengers finally came to their senses Bruce shouted after you. "Hey what about Thor?"

"He's all yours," you shouted back from the elevators and pressed button leading to Loki's floor.

*

'He's heavier than he looks,' you think as you get closer to his bedroom door.

He's been leaning on you for support the whole silent (mildly uncomfortably silent) way to his bedroom. He groaned and mumbled something undecipherable here and there. You wished to be already in his room, put him in his bed and dissappear for few hours. You felt so awkward helping your friend who can barely stand after he drank because of you.

"Can you lean on the wall please?" you asked him when you both stood infront of his locked door. He unhooked his arm from around your shoulders and practically threw himself onto the nearest wall.

"Lean, not fall!"

He chuckled. "Sorrey, is the gravity," he mumbled.

You rolled your eyes and fished out a key from his bedroom door from your sweatpant pocket. When the thin metal slid into keayhole Loki threw his arms around you and gently squeezed you. "Are ya real?"

"Eeeh, yes? Why are you asking?"

"Because," he squished your cheeks together, "you're nice to me. And you're cute," he giggled.

You chuckled and removed his hands from your cheeks. "Thanks, but this isn't you. You need to sleep."

"Not me?" he asked, confusion all over his face. He ran his hand across his torso and settled on his face. "But this is my body and my face! It has to be me!"

"Yes, it is, but the acting isn't. Now come," you took his hand and gently lead him through his open door.

You pushed him to sit on his bed and wanted to walk out, but he won't let go of your hands. He studied them like a little child, turning them, looking at them from every angle. You blushed. He hasn't been this tender for a long time.

You cleared your throat. "You need to sleep. You're gonna have a massive hangover tomorrow."

His eyes left your hands resting in his and bore into yours. But they weren't as clear as usual, they were clouded and lost. "Why?"

"Eeeh, because you're drunk?"

"Why?"

"Because you drank?"

"Why?"

"Because-" no, you can't tell him. "It doesn't matter. Just sleep now," you tried to push him to his bed, but even in this state he was strong and unmovable.

"I don't wanna sleep. I need to find Univers!"

"Well, you can find your universe after you sober up."

"Noooo," he shook his head dramatically, his hair whiping around him. "I can't find my universe. YOU are MY universe," he held your hands close to his chest.

"But I need to find THE Universe! With the T'n'H'n'E infront of it," he started to ramble about Universe conspiring against him and you, but you didn't listen.

You stopped listening after he said 'you are my universe'. Did he mean it?

" 'Your' universe?" you asked and finally pushed him to lie down on his bed.

"Yea," he yawned, his eyelids became too heavy for him to keep open. "I know you hate me, but I.... I...," and he was gone. Off to the dreamland.

You stayed there for few more minutes in case he woke up and finished what he wanted to say, but no such thing happened. You could play on drumms next to him and he wouldn't move.

You softly brushed his hair from his face and covered him with his soft black blanket. "I don't hate you Loki. I never did. I just hope you'll be just as nice and calm when you sober up as you were right now," you caressed his cheek for the last time and walked to his door.

Before you closed, you looked back at him and softly whispered. "You are my universe too Loki."

*

Loki's head pulsed with pain. That's what woke him up, actually. Blindly, he felt around him with his hands, trying to find out where he was. Warm blanket, soft bed, his Asgardian armour still on. It was dirty from clay and smelled weird. Almost like.... alcohol?

'Oh,' he thought, 'that happened.'

He groaned and opened his eyes, only to instantly cover them with his palm. Light from the nearby window was stabbing his eyeballs causing him even bigger headache. All he wanted to do was get a big- no, giant cup of cold water and down it just as fast as he was doing with the alcohol yesterday.

But whenever he tried to use his magic only green and gold sparkles flew from his fingers and when he tried to stand up he got dizy and the whole room started to spin. He fell down onto his bed again. He felt as if his brother hit him with Mjolnir, his famous hammer.

If he wanted a cup of water, he will have to suffer through those few steps to his bathroom.

He reluctantly and slowly stood up and walking very close to wall he made his way for a drink. Or three, just in case.

After a long and unpleasant journey he fell onto his bed again, but not before he pulled blinds over the horribly bright window and rid himself of any dirty and uncomfortable clothes, leaving him only in his underwear.

With his head underneath his blanket, to block out any more light, he tried to remember as much of his actions from yesterday as he could.

From your room he went to gym to punch his frustration out. That's where Thor found him, interrogated him and then dragged him to Asgard to have a drink. Or a whole pub apparently. The rest is a blur. Something about garden, flowers and him and his brother crashing down to Midgard to look for someone. Who? He doesn't remember. Maybe you, since he remembered something about flowers. Maybe his drunk self thought it would be best to make up with you.

But that didn't make any sense, he had nothing to apologize for anymore. You were the one who told him those word. Where even were you anyways?

Just as he finished that thought he heard his doorknob move and his door creaked open.he slowly peaked out from underneath the blanket and in the dimness saw a familiar silhouette. You.

Carefully you put one foot infront of the other and walked straight towards him. You must think he's still asleep, that's why you're so careful. Oh, how he longed to pretend to be asleep and then jump at you and scare you. But he can't. He can't let his mischievious nature do that yet. Not when things between you two aren't like they used to be.

Instead he kept his eyes open and when you got close enough, he slightly moved. "Well look who showed up," he said.

You flinched a little. "Thank god you're finally awake. How are you feeling?"

"Horrible, to be honest," he rubbed his temples. "Why did you say 'finally awake'?"

You completely ignored his question. "Do you need anything? Water? Painkillers?"

"How about you give me an answer?"

You sighed. "You were out for two days Loki. I was starting to think you had alcohol poisoning and died in your sleep. I was checking up on you every few hours to make sure you're still with us," you confessed.

"Oh, alright. Thank you. And I don't need anything. I already obtained it," he pointed at his bedside table with three glasses of water.

"Still, your head must be torturing you. I'll bring you some painkillers," you ran outside before he could stop you.

You returned after few minutes with a small box of pills on one hand and a jar of water in the other. "So you don't have to stand up and go to the bathroom after you drink those three cups," you said and put the jar on his bedside table.

"Thank you. You are oddly kind to me," Loki pointed out.

You hummed and awkwardly stood infront of his bed, trying not to look at his naked torso. You fidgeted with the box for a while. "Just take one when you want," you said finally and put it next to the jar.

"Hey, can you tell me what happened yester- I mean two days ago? Was I and Thor a big disaster?" he asked, wanting you to stay with him.

"Well," you chuckled and scratched the back of your head. "It was a bit awkward and confusing. You and Thor appeared on the balcony and you were looking for universe for some reason."

Loki facepalmed. The pain from embarrassment was bigger than the pain his head was causing. "And let me guess, The Earth's Mightiest Heroes recorded everything, didn't they?"

You shook your head. "No, I didn't let them."

"Thank you," he smiled kindly.

You returned the smile. "Hey, can I sit here?" you pointed at the corner of his bed.

"Sure," he moved a little to give you more space. The bed dipped under your weight a little.

"I want to tell you few things," you said, your eyes watched how you fidgeted with your fingers.

"I'm listening."

"First I want to apologize for what I said. I was tetchy and I know it doesn't excuse what I said," you raised your eyes to his. "I just want you to know I didn't mean them. And I'm sorry. I would like to be your friend again. Please."

Loki bit his tongue from teasingly telling you 'no' and took a deep breath. "I would like to be your friend as well. I don't want us to argue anymore. So," he extended his arm towards you, "friends?"

You beamed at him. To him your smile shone brighter than the sun outside. You took his hand and shook it. "Friends."

"I'm glad," he squeezed your hand gently. He didn't want to let go yet. "And what about the rest of what you wanted to tell me?"

"Oh, right," you looked to the side. "You said something yesterday."

"Something offensive? If so, I apologize-"

"No! Not at all! It just..." you bit your lower lip and tilted your head, something you subconsciously did when you blushed. "Y-you said that... I am your universe," you said carefully.

Loki froze. Did he really say that? You didn't look like you were lying. Why did he tell you that? Why were you bringing that up? Did you possibly feel the same and want to be sure he wasn't kidding when he said it?

Loki must've took too long to respond, because you were trying to pull your hand from his and leave. This time Loki was fast to stop you. "I really said that?"

You gulped. "Yes, ehm did you mean it? Wait, you don't remember. Sorry," you chuckled awkwardly.

"If I said that while drunk, I meant it."

"Really?"

"Yes. I once heard 'alcohol reveals, who a person truly is', in that case I am a romantic," he winked and you giggled. He liked the fact you still giggle at his stupid jokes.

"For real now. You are my universe. My best friend. My partner in crime. And if you allow then I would like to add another title: my paramour. If you feel the same way, that is."

You smiled softly and intertwined your fingers with his. "You are my universe as well, Loki."

"Great," he lifted your joined hand to his lips and pressed a soft kiss to the back of your hand. "When I sober up and feel better I'm officially asking you out on a date."

"How long does it usually take for you to sober up?"

"A day or two," Loki shrugged and fell back onto his bed. His head started spinning again.

"That's too long," you said and layed next to him. "Can I watch over you while you sleep?"

"Sure thing love," he hugged you to him and kissed the crown of your head.

Bonus

"Darling, it's 2pm."

"Yes, so?"

"Aren't you supposed to take Rex out?"

"Bucky is training him."

"Oh, okay."

"You're so sweet to think of him."

"Hmmm."

*meanwhile*

Steve: hey, aren't you supposed to train him?

Bucky: *lying on the floor, Rex napping on his chest*

Bucky: uuuh, I gave him a break.

Steve: *raises one eyebrow*

Bucky: please don't tell her

Steve: only if I can join in

A/N: I was this close to write the angstiest ending, but I have a good mood today

[ethanharli]

Pairing(s): Kuroo Tetsurou x Top Male Reader.

Warning(s): Cursing, Angst/Fluff.

DNI; if you use she/her pronouns.

__________

A sigh ripped past my throat as I stared down at my feet with hazy eyes, feeling the rain hit my body without mercy while I sat on the curb, not wanting to go home to where my parents fought and argued for the millionth time, at least my twin sister is at her training camp so she doesn't have to endure this shit. Then there's the fact my phone broke during my mother and I's fight, so I couldn't call anyone to see if I could stay over, even though I'd rather not bother anyone anyways, they probably got better things to do than deal with my ass. Groaning at the thought I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes when I heard footsteps approach, "[Y/n]? What are you doing in the rain?" My eyes widened at the familiar voice, turning my gaze his way I saw my usual bed headed boyfriend standing besides me, holding his umbrella over the both of us.

His cat like eyes staring down at me with confusion and worry, something I could never get used too. "They're fighting again.." Was all I muttered out, running a hand through my drenched [H/c] hair in order to move it out of my face while Kuroo held out his hand. "Come on then you're coming home with me" I had no time to object when he was already pulling me off the ground, forcing me against him, which nearly made us topple over, but an unusual sly smirk was now present on his face as he looked up at me, but the smirk wasn't one of the usual ones that girls and guy's alike would swoon over. "Should we get going?" I could only nod, keeping my gaze on him while he laced our fingers together, practically dragging me along with him under his umbrella.

His coat had a few wet spots from loose rain drops, the red of it reminding me of his Nekoma volleyball jacket. His focus stayed in front of us, a lingering determination hidden under the beautiful hazel of his eyes that I could look into for hours, and the way he held himself with confidence is something I will always admire, wishing I could do so myself, and mean it at least. Feigned confidence is something I can do well, but Kuroo has been the only one to see past it, hell he even pointed it out when we first met. "Getting a good look?" He chuckled, tightening his grip on my hand a bit in a comforting way that slowly brought a heat to my cheeks, "Maybe.." I muttered out, quickly turning my gaze away from the shorter male when a small, genuine smile was brought to his lips.

As much as I tried I couldn't stop my thoughts from wandering to their usual dark place, staring down at Kuroo and I's joined hands with furrowed brows. How could he love someone as expressionless as me? I can barley smile, I can't speak my mind without being scared of what he might think or say afterwards, even if deep down I know he cares, and that he'd never do anything to hurt me. It truly makes me wonder, how someone as great as him, would want to be with someone as broken as me, it's simply a hard pill for me to swallow. The sudden tap on my shoulder brought my attention back, seeing that we had finally arrived at Kuroo's house, him holding the door open for me with that worried gaze of his.

"Sorry.." Walking inside I took off my shoes and slipped on the slippers I kept here, not really wanting to walk throughout his house since I'm still soaking wet. "C'mon you need to get in the shower, you're a baby when you're sick" He laughed, forcing me up the stairs towards the bathroom while my heart fluttered in my chest, wanting to hear more of his laughter until he finally shoved me in the bathroom, "I'll bring you clothes and a towel, then after we can cuddle on my bed." After that I started my relaxing, skin melting hot shower only taking about ten minutes since the idea of cuddling with my lover was all to tempting. So when I stepped out the bathroom, dressed in grey sweatpants and a T-shirt I looked around the room for the middle blocker, sighing in defeat when I couldn't find him and simply sat at the edge of his bed.

I laid the towel on my head, not caring for the little water droplets that hit my cheek, slowly sliding down to my neck as I looked at the floor.

"He deserves better than you! No one could even bother loving you! He's probably just a whore for your cock!"

My mothers words rang through my head as tears slowly gathered in my eyes, blurring my vision almost immediately. I always wondered why she'd bring Kuroo into our fights, telling me constantly that he'd be better off fucking a pretty girl then being a whore for a guy like me. I had never been so angry at her, I never cared for when she'd insult me but insulting Kuroo was out of the question, it was immediately after she shouted the word that I threw my phone behind me, shattering its screen and putting a hole in the wall. I hated fighting with her, knowing she's just pissed that dad wouldn't give her a good fuck anymore simply because he found his co-worker much more interesting.

Tears slowly flooded from my eyes as I let out a choked sob, resting my elbows on my knees as my head hung low, feeling my body tremble and my chest ache. My breath caught in my throat when slim fingers slid under my chin, pulling my head up so I could look into that gorgeous hazel I fell in love with many years ago. "It'll be okay [Y/n], I'm here" He whispered out, the soft tone was something I hadn't heard much of, but was calmed by nonetheless, my hand reached out, grabbing the front of his shirt and pulling him towards me, a pleading look in my eye begging for him to climb into my lap which surprised him greatly. Never once in our relationship have I initiated anything that involved physical contact, hell I couldn't even utter the words 'I love you' because every time I tried my mothers words would weigh me down.

However Kuroo still gladly slipped into my lap, moving his arms to rest on my shoulders while mine wrapped around his waist securely, burying my face into the crook of his neck, simply wanting the touch of my lover against me. The feeling of Kuroos fingers running through my hair slowly calms my painful sobs, turning them into quiet sniffles, taking a deep breath of his scent that I craved for everytime he was away. My hands stayed on the small of his back, pulling away from the hug just enough so I could rest my forehead against his, brushing our noses together softly as I stared into his eyes that looked torn from my own broken gaze. "Sometimes I think my mother is right, I truly believe I don't deserve you, you've always been there for me no matter what and what have I ever done in return? She makes me feel like I'm just dead weight to you, and honestly most the time I believe it."

Before he could interrupt I brought my hand to his cheek, brushing my thumb along his cheekbone in order to cut him off, "You always stuck to me though, even when so many people threw themselves at you, people that could've been so much better for you, you still chose me, an emotional broken wreak of a man." He stayed silent as I talked, biting his lower lip with a twinge of something hidden behind those pools of hazel, watching me intently when my gaze shifted towards his lips, moving my hand so that my thumb could pull his lower lip from his teeth.

"But god damn you manage to make me feel so fucking special" I whispered out, feeling his grip on my hair tighten by a fraction as I captured his lips with my own, loving how surprisingly soft they felt against my own, but the kiss ended as soon as it started, even though I couldn't bring myself to pull away to much. "I want to be with you for as long as you'll let me, cause fuck Tetsurou I love you to much to let you go" I mumbled against his lips, looking into his half lidded eye's that brightened with so much happiness they literally teared up, and being anxiety filled I thought I had made him upset for a moment, but that thought quickly left when he smashed his lips against mine with so much force that I fell against his bed.

He had the biggest smile I've ever seen as he pressed his palms against my chest, looking down at me with a loving look I happily returned, smiling back at the bed headed male, "You have no idea how long I've waited to hear that! God I love you, you idiot!" He laughed, leaning down to press a, this time, soft kiss against my lips.

"I love you too Testu."

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 2/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Heyo, yall! Just hope yall are enjoying this fic so far. I worked really hard on it, but so proud. So many times I just wanted to quit it. But I stuck it out!

Major TW for this chapter: Child abuse mentions // mental breakdown // Anxiety // Dementia mentions

2020

I flinched, feeling a hand lightly slap my foot twice. "Wake up, Princess."

I rolled over slightly, blinking as if to clear my vision. Jujubee looked as if she had been awake for hours, looking fresh as fuck in her dressing gown. She must have had a shower hours before because, despite the dry hair, I could smell the mango and papaya soap. Fuck, it smelt so good.

Then there was me; hair wrecked, makeup long expired, body smelling of that typical hangover smell. Like a hospital, except unclean.

I whined like a child, rolled back over on my stomach and buried my face hoping it would stop my head from pounding.

"Nope. Not happened." Jujubee sat down on the bed and shook me.

"What time is it?" I asked with my face still smushed into the pillow.

"It's 2PM." She answered.

That's what got me up. I threw the covers back and went to stand. "Fuck!"

Jujubee grabbed my hand and pulled me back down. "Relax. It's our day off, remember?"

I whined even more, curling up with my head in her lap.

"Not that it makes a difference considering you're always late anyway," Jujubee added as she stroked my unbrushed hair.

"Shut up. I'm the boss. I can do what I want." I mumbled.

"Ah, Brianna Caldwell, you never change." Jujubee quipped. "Only follows the rules whenever it suits her, bosses everyone around - -"

"I do not, you whore. And can you please not speak to me so loud right now?" I pulled myself up and tousled my hair. "I need some shades or something."

I always needed shades when I was hungover, so Jujubee was already prepared. She pulled them from her pocket and handed them over. "Shade up, baby girl."

Life was already so much better with them on.

"But back to the topic at hand, though. Don't you remember the chess boys from high school?" Jujubee spoke a bit quieter now. "You literally bossed them around."

"They let me boss them around 'cause they wanted to sleep with me, Jujubee," I replied, reaching for my phone.

"And, you bossed me around too." Jujubee raised her brows.

"Mmmm, I don't remember that." I hummed, feeling pretty much over the conversation.

It took Jujubee an hour to convince me to get out of bed and clean myself up. After finally getting showered and dressed, we were out of the apartment and already heading to Starbucks.

I could have made my own coffee, but that required effort. And that I wasn't willing to give that day.

We were sitting at a booth in the back, with minimal effort in trying to go incognito. But this was a regular hang out for us. There was no need to worry about our names being shouted out. The baristas eventually learned to just bring our orders to us. It made Jujubee feel bad, but I didn't mind.

The barista, Kyle, came over and put our drinks down on the table.

"I deserve this. I really, really deserve this." I said, already taking a sip of my coffee.

"Congrats on last night. The boss said if you both need a refill, just let me know." Kyle winked. God bless Kyle. "So, When's the launch day?"

"Kyle, as charming as you are, you'll just have to wait like everybody else." I tried my best to beam a smile.

"Alright. Enjoy, ladies." And Kyle walked away.

Jujubee let her eyes follow for a moment longer. I know she was literally staring at nothing in particular, but I decided to have a bit of fun. "Go ask him out, Juju."

"Girl, you ask him out," Jujubee smirked. "I'm happy enough being a crazy cat lady. I don't need no man."

I knew it was a joke. Jujubee wasn't the type to encourage me to find someone. It was like she knew how it could bother me.

Despite liking the single life, I kind of did like the sound of being with someone. Maybe it was the fear of the past that stopped me from pursuing a relationship. I had a few girlfriends in the past. But they hadn't lasted long. I was afraid they would have somehow found out about my past self. Because, once upon a time, nobody would've even dared think of me as an attractive, promiscuous, alluring, single female.

But now that I had the glow-up of the century, dyed my hair blonde, I had quite a lot of admirers. It only really started to occur when NASA began sponsoring the project, bringing more traction.

My phone started ringing, but I paid no heed.

Jujubee, however, almost dropped her drink.

"Girl, why is Ed Sheeran calling you?" Jujubee raised a brow.

And as soon as the name met my ears, I was reminded of the night before. "Oh, God." I held my head in my hands.

"What did you do?" Jujubee was already groaning.

"I fucked up," I answered.

"You didn't have a quicky with him or something, right?" Jujubee questioned further.

I lifted my head, looking at her with squinted eyes. "What? No. Ew. Juju." I sipped my coffee before bearing the news. "OK, so...I don't know why I did it, maybe 'cause I'm a mess when I'm drunk, but I…" I lowered my tone, "kinda offered him the chance to be the first person to go into the other world."

"What?? I thought we were gonna do that!" Jujubee was freaking out.

"I know. I fucked up."

"Well, call him back."

"And, tell him what? 'Sorry, Ed. Jk'?"

Jujubee's forehead was in her hands, "I was really excited." She whined.

As I said before, this meant a lot to us. We hadn't discussed it with the team yet, but Jujubee and I had privately planned that we'd be first to enter the other world. So you could understand this was incredibly disappointing for her.

"OK. How about this? Ed will go in for 5 minutes. After that, we bring him back to Earth. And then we fly off by ourselves?" I suggested.

"I was looking forward to the pink sky. And the flying horses. And the…"

Jujubee went on a ramble as my phone began to ring again. I picked it up, letting it ring for a few seconds before declining Ed Sheeran's call.

I checked if there were any texts from him. Nada. But there was one message that caught my attention. The memory of reading it the previous night came flooding back.

Jujubee was still rambling, but I put my phone down and leaned across the table slightly. "Juju, do you remember Blair St Clair?"

Jujubee's expression changed instantaneously. "Girl, of course, I do. You were in love with her for years."

"Oh my God, can you whisper, please?" I questioned, the desperation in my voice very much apparent.

"Brianna, she's back in Ohio. We're in New York. I don't think anyone's gonna go and tell."

"You never know," I briefly looked behind me for fear that somehow the world decided to shit on my luck and make her appear in the booth behind me.

"Girl, chill out. And yes, I do remember her." Jujubee replied, "you know something that always stuck with me? Please don't ask why, but I'll never forget the day you told me you were in love with her. You came out to me that day too."

-_-_-_-

1995

"Juju, I gotta tell you something," I said, throwing my doll to the side of the fort. If I didn't tell her the truth now, I never would.

"What is it?" Jujubee sounded scared.

I crossed my legs in a pretzel shape, straightened my back and declared, "Juju, I like girls. And Blair St Clair is the girl I'm in love with."

I was expecting amazement, awe, shock. But Jujubee just seemed confused.

"What? How is that possible?" She asked.

"You promise you can keep a secret?" I offered my pinky.

Jujubee joined hers with mine. "Of course I can."

"OK." Our fingers remained twisted around each other. "Well, I saw two ladies in the mall kissing. And my Mommy told me girls can like girls. And I had an a-piffa-tree. The reason I like Blair so much is because I'm in love with her!"

"Brie-Brie, you need to slow down." Jujubee put her hand up. "If girls can like girls, then how come we never see girls kissing girls? It's always boys and girls."

"I don't know."

"Have you ever kissed a girl?"

"Nope."

"Then, how are you sure?"

"I don't know. You ever get that weird feeling inside that tells you that you're right? I can feel it. I know I'm not lying."

"Wooow." Jujubee looked away briefly. "Does that mean you like me?"

"I don't know. You're my friend, Juju." I shrugged. "I mean, maybe we should kiss just to figure it out."

Juju looked like she was contemplating this for a moment before nodding her head and sitting up. "OK!"

I didn't even hesitate. Instead, I moved closer and gave her a quick kiss on the lips.

"Ew!" We both pulled away.

We both agreed to never do that again, nor ever speak of it.

As if nothing had happened, we continued on playing with our dolls for another hour before the rain came out.

I walked Jujubee home, feeling very much like 'the big girl' being all responsible.

And in walking back to my own place, wrapping my arms around myself, I saw Blair - walking alone, drenched from head to toe.

"Blair!" I ran towards her.

She turned to look at me, her face scrunched up, trying to see through the downpour.

Call it instinct, but I knew something was up, just from how she was looking at me. I put my hands on her shoulders. "What's wrong?? Are you OK?"

"I'm lost. I-I'm trying to find my way home." She said quietly.

"What. How did you - -" I stopped myself from talking any further. Instead, I took Blair by the hand and pulled her towards the bus shelter off to the side of the road.

We both sat down when we got inside. She was shaking, close to catching a cold in the awful weather. Not to mention she had no jacket on. So I pulled my arm out of its sleeve and draped half of the coat over her.

"What happened to your coat?" I asked

"I didn't bring it." She replied.

"Why not? It's cold. You're going to get sick."

"I'm sorry. I just...ran."

I was silent for a moment. Then, "What do you mean?"

She was also silent for a moment, her blue eyes drifting to the ground. "Brianna...is it normal for Daddies to shout real loud all the time? Do they smash things a lot?"

No. It was not expected. I may not have had a Father figure in my life, but I knew well enough. "Blair, what happened?"

Blair clenched her fist around the jacket. "My Daddy...he…"

Despite her timid voice trailing off, I understood. She didn't even need to say it. "Do you have somewhere to go?"

She lifted her eyes to me, "I need to get home. I just ran as fast as I could. And somehow ended up here. I don't know my way back."

"I don't think you should go back," I admitted.

"I have to. Or he'll be even more mad."

I was wracking my brain. There was no way I could let her go back. "OK. Is there somewhere you can stay for a while? Somewhere close?"

"No." Blair shook her head. "Wait. Yeah. My Granny lives somewhere around here." She looked at me with optimism in her eyes.

"That's great! I know this place like the back of my hand. I bet I can find it in a few seconds."

After sitting for 10 more minutes, the rain was starting to settle, so Blair gave me the address, and off we went. I carried her bag for her. She was probably exhausted from all the walking.

All the while, I just listened as she talked about many things - Madonna, her Princess Belle doll, how Jade from school actually picked her nose when no one was looking. So many different topics. And I didn't speak a word. I guess I was just so...astonished. Here I was, walking along in a light rainstorm, hanging out with the prettiest girl in my class. How was this possible? Was this real life?

"You've been really quiet." Blair pointed out.

"Yeah, I just can't believe you're talking to me. What the fuck?" Yes, I said that.

Blair laughed at my potty mouth. "Yeah, why wouldn't I?"

I shrugged. "Well, I don't know. Maybe 'cause no one likes me."

Blair stopped in her tracks for a moment. "I like you."

I stopped, spun around, and looked at her with wide eyes. There was no way I heard her say those words. No fucking way.

"Come on. I know where we are now. Granny's house is around the corner." Blair began to move again.

But the butterflies in my stomach were going wild. I felt warm and wanted to just hug her. But I also didn't want to alarm her. Baby steps, Brianna.

I walked Blair to the house. Her Granny came to the door and was obviously quite confused. And Blair began to cry again.

I wanted to turn and run, feeling very out of place. But Blair grabbed me before I could leave and pulled me into a hug. She pressed her tear-stained face against my shoulder and whispered, "Thank you, Brie."

"I gotta go."

I pulled out of the hug and ran as fast I could. I don't know if I left her standing there confused or if she just knew by then it was just a me thing to be awkward.

But my mind was racing; Blair liked me. I knew not in the same way as I liked her. But, surely, that meant we could be friends.

Oh, how naive I was.

A few weeks later, it was the beginning of Summer. Mom took me to the park, and there was Blair with her friends.

I ran across the grass to the picnic blanket they were all sitting at.

"Blair!" I called excitedly. I practically threw myself down next to her, giving her a tight hug.

"Ew." Jade laughed.

"Shut up, Jade." Blair snapped.

"Are you friends with the freak now or something?" Carmen questioned, inching away from me.

"I'm not a freak!" I shouted.

"Uh, yeah, you are," Serena added. "We don't want freaks in our friend group. Go on. Get lost."

"Girls - -" Blair tried.

"You wanna join her?" Jade pointed her gaze at Blair, her face scrunched up in disgust.

I was waiting for it; The big 'fuck you' as Blair stood up, took my hand and walked away.

But she remained seated. Her eyes trailed down to the ground. I tried shaking her shoulder.

"Blair?" I spoke quietly.

She didn't say a word. It was as if she had turned to stone.

My body felt cold.

"See? She doesn't like ugly people like you. No one does." Jade smirked.

I remember the moment being more intense than it actually was. Because in a matter of seconds, the girls were screaming as I began to punch Jade in her bitchy face. I couldn't punch for shit. But if it left a bruise, I was happy.

"Brianna!" I heard my Mom's voice. Her dark arms wrapped around me, pulling me away from the now crying Jade. "We are going home right now." Mom threatened. But I didn't care.

From being dragged away from the fight scene all the way until we got home, I screamed.

Mom screamed back for a while when we were in the car. But you can't fight fire with fire. So she stopped when we pulled up.

I got in, I beat the fuck out of every object that came into my line of vision. And my shouting never stopped.

"No one wants you, ugly freak!" I smashed a vase. "Worthless piece of trash!"

Mom had been chasing me all over the house, trying to calm me down. But this wasn't like any tantrum I had ever had, and as Mom had no idea what was actually going on, she had no idea what to do.

She eventually scooped me up in her arms and held me tight as she sat on the ground. I screamed as I tried to fight off her grasp, downing out all her hushed whispers. "I got you, Baby. I got you. Mommy's here."

My screams did go on for another while, but as soon as they ended, all I could say to Mom was, "I should give up. Blair will never be my friend. I'm too ugly."

Mom stood me up, so she knew I was looking directly into her eyes. She pointed a finger in my face and spoke with a cracked but stern tone. "Don't say that. Never ever say that. You are so beautiful, and no one has the right to tell you that you're not. I want you to go look in the mirror, really, really look at yourself, Brianna. And I want you to see how pretty you are. Look at your hair, your brown eyes, your freckles. You are just as pretty as everyone else, girl. You are not ugly."

I squeezed my fists, feeling the hard lump in my throat. "Then why did my Mommy and Daddy give me away?"

Mom was stunned for a moment. She took my hand. "Baby, that had nothing to do with how you look. They…" she paused, trying to find the right words to use, "they just…" another pause, "look, I'll tell you when you're older. But I promise you are not ugly."

I couldn't hold on anymore. I let out a pained cry and immediately threw myself into her arms and buried my face in her shoulder.

-_-_-_-

2020

That was my first major emotional breakdown, marking the beginning of many more to come. But, unfortunately, Mom didn't want to immediately get me help. She had a feeling it would upset me further. And she was right.

Just as I had begun middle school, I had another huge episode. That was it. There had been too many episodes throughout those years.

You can try covering a crack in the wall with a pretty picture, but the problem would never go away, would it?

I couldn't stand therapy. Why was I the one to work on my emotions when I only felt the way I did because kids were assholes? Where were all the breathing exercises and meditation sessions to make them not be dicks?

But as much as I hated it, the older I got, I opened my eyes. What I hated the most was seeing the pain I was putting Mom through. So I really tried hard not to freak out.

I didn't want to upset Mom anymore. She really did her best. And to this day, I wouldn't change her for the world.

"We're here."

I was brought out of my thoughts as the cab pulled over. I had been so gone, just sitting in the backseat, staring at the magenta glass vase in my hands.

"Keep the change," I replied, handing the driver the money and thanking him as I got out.

He took my suitcase from the trunk and left it by my side. And with a goodbye, he drove off.

Standing at the bottom of the lawn, I looked at the house. Fuck, once upon a time, I wouldn't have been so in love with its appearance. I had no idea what my Mom was going for with the multiple colours. The outside was painted pastel yellow with a sky blue door and pink frame. Then there were the various flowerpots stuck onto the wall next to the door. All different colours; pink, green, orange or blue.

OK, I lied; as a kid, I fucking loved our house. Everyone else's was boring. But when high school rolled around, people would whisper how I was "the weird hippie chick from the rainbow crack house". So, you can understand why it quickly became an eyesore for me.

I knocked on the front door, feeling the excitement bubble within me. I had been so busy with the project, it was a few months since I last saw her in person. I glanced at the vase in my hand, the perfect Birthday gift. It was perfect because I got her a new one every year. Because I never got over the guilt from smashing her favourite vase as a child. This act was to make a point - to show that no matter how much I apologised, I was always sorry, and would always be.

I knocked again. There was only a barking behind the door. Good to know someone was in.

I still had my own key. No point in standing outside all day. I made my own way in, knowing I could just surprise her later.

"Hi, baby!" I spoke in a hushed tone as Piggie started to jump around excitedly. Fuck, I missed him so much.

I closed the door and knelt down next to the pug, bringing him into a hug and kissing him on the head. "You good boy," I said in between kisses, "Let's get you some food."

Standing back up, I made my way to the kitchen, and Piggie was only happy to follow. I still remembered where his food was kept, so I poured him a bowl. Then, while he was distracted, I took my suitcase up the stairs and into my old bedroom.

Fuck, there was always something so surreal about walking into it. I hadn't lived at home since before I went to college. From that moment on, Jujubee and I always had our own places. And now, I had my apartment in New York.

Meaning, the last time I had redecorated was years before my glow up (in personality and looks). The walls were pink, I remember them being a pretty pastel tone, but they looked duller now. Above my bed, the wall was littered with posters, writing and photos. I made eye contact with Reese Witherspoon on the Legally Blonde poster, remembering how I always wanted to be like her. Funny how I kind of did achieve that.

I realised I was just standing in the doorway, just staring. So, I sat the suitcase against my desk and went to lie down. I smirked as I found all 5'5" of my whole being still fit into it.

I took out my phone and snapped a picture of myself to Jujubee, the caption reading 'Hey, babe, my parents are out?￰ 😉😉 come over?'.

While waiting for her reply, I changed my pencil skirt and blouse, choosing to wear leggings and a tank instead. Suddenly, I felt 10 years younger.

An hour passed, and Mom was still nowhere to be seen.

"Maybe she's at work. Does she have a job?" Jujubee asked me through the phone.

"I... don't know, Juju," I murmured, my attention not really on the question but on the contents of the fridge.

There was a punnet of strawberries. I helped myself to a few.

"When was the last time you spoke to her? Seriously, Brie, I'm getting so nervous." Jujubee sounded concerned. I knew her mind was thinking of the worst. And oddly enough, I found it to be entertaining.

"A few months back, actually," I smirked. "She's been real quiet, to be honest." Piggie was at my feet, looking for one of the juicy strawberries. I shook my head at him.

"Oh God, no. Did you check every room? Talk to the neighbours?"

"Oh, fuck! Juju. My God, there's a head in the fridge!" I feigned terror.

"Brianna!"

"Relax. I'm fucking with you. I spoke to her last night." I took one more strawberry. Biting into it, the juice dripped down my fingers and onto the ground. Piggie was beyond happy now, licking it up. I let him be and made my way out of the kitchen.

"That's not funny, Brianna. Don't joke about that. I thought she was missing or...worse."

"Fair enough. Sorry, girl. Anyway, how's work today?" I walked into the living room and sat on the couch.

"Good, good. Ed Sheeran's team finally got in touch," Jujubee said with a hint of disdain.

I held my forehead in one hand, wanting to punch myself for even speaking to him the week before.

I groaned, "See, this is why I should stop drinking."

"Well, to be fair, you don't drink as much as you did back in college. But when you do, you go hard."

Jujubee continued talking, lecturing me about my life choices when I moved my foot and felt it touch something under the couch. It startled me at first, but I pulled out the item.

A slipper. Grandpa's slipper. Sitting back on the couch again, letting my eyes just stare at it. "Hey, Juju. I'm gonna go."

There was a sigh on the other end. "Fine. Not like I was talking about anything important or whatever."

"Sorry," I said quietly.

"Don't worry. I still love you, whore." She said.

"Of course you do."

I made a nasty kissing sound through the phone. She was grossed out, of course, and hung up. I chuckled for a moment and put my phone away.

Piggie came into the room and jumped up on the sofa next to me. I began to pet him, my eyes now back on the shoe.

Grandpa wore his slippers more than he wore regular shoes. Every time he found out Mom had put them in the wash, he would be furious. I would always listen to him ranting and wonder why men were gross. But I'd also laugh at how he threw his hands up in the air in frustration.

There was one time, in particular. He had gotten mad for the same reason. He huffed and came into the living room, sitting down on the couch, in the very seat I currently was sitting. He was shaking his head, just looking at the TV.

I shuffled closer to him and offered a few potato chips. His frown was immediately reversed. His smile had never seemed brighter. He took a few chips and asked with a full mouth, "Hey, kiddo. Aren't you late for school?"

It was 2PM. On a Saturday.

My smile was beginning to fade, my eyes still focused on the slipper. I could feel it - a familiar twisting feeling from somewhere within my stomach, the oxygen in my lungs seeming to fail me, a tremble taking my hands over.

And then, Piggie licking my arm.

I flinched slightly as I was brought back to the present. I smiled, petting Piggie. "Where would I be without you, baby?"

Piggie didn't answer, of course. Instead, he just licked my hand, which was enough for me to chill out.

I put Grandpa's shoe back under the couch, now inspired to search more of the house. But before I got off the couch, I checked my phone. Jujubee had Snapchatted me.

Clicking into it, I froze for a moment. She was in her bathroom, the shower running behind her. I wanted to say she was the main element to the picture, cocking her head to the side, pouting her lips and raising a brow. Despite the fact Jujubee never sent me pictures like this, it wasn't the first time I had seen her in her lingerie, though. But, I couldn't help but glance at her black lacey bra. The breath was caught in my throat for a moment.

The text read, 'You OK, babe?'

Around middle school, Jujubee developed this 6th sense, knowing when something was up with me. It was impressive.

I lifted my phone up high, took a picture and made sure to get Piggie in the frame. He wasn't looking, however.

"Piggie." He was looking now. I smiled and took the picture. I captioned it, 'Just hanging out with this one'.

I hit send. And now filled with inspiration to go on a nostalgia trip, I got up from the sofa and went off to explore. I called Piggie to follow.

I found myself upstairs, standing in the doorway of Mom's room. It felt rude to intrude. After all, a bedroom wasn't just a bedroom. It was a sanctuary, a place to be yourself, to carry out your own private rituals free from judgement, a happy place. So it felt like an intrusion to invade her space.

But I spotted the perfume bottles on her dresser. There was one bottle, in particular, a fragrance she always bought. It was her favourite - a musky scent with a hint of amber vanilla.

I couldn't resist. I made my way to the dresser, lifted the bottle and smelt the underside of the lid. Immediately, I felt my body relax. It smelled just like her. And there was no smell sweeter than the smell of your own Mother. It felt safe, loving, warm. Now, I was even more excited to see her again.

That was as far as I'd go into her room. So I put the perfume back, ushered Piggie to get down from her bed and left.

I was back in my old bedroom. I wanted this nostalgia trip to be unlike any other. So I knew exactly where I'd find it. I looked in the drawers of my desk. And in the very bottom drawer, I found it; my old diary.

"This is going to be wild, Piggie. I just know it." I smirked, sitting down on my bed, my back against the headboard. Piggie curled up beside me. We were both sitting comfortably. So I began.

'Dear Dairy'

Already, I had to pause and laugh. 7 year old me would have been a legend in a spelling bee.

'Today, I had a fight with Jujubee. She really upset me, but I upset her too. I should say sorry. That's all. Bye.'

Short and sweet, child me didn't beat around the bush. She just gave you the information you needed. That was it.

I flicked a few pages forward.

'Dear Diary,

I had another fight with Jujubee. I really don't want to upset her. But sometimes I get so angry, I don't know what to do. I lost a tooth today too. So I am going to leave a note to the tooth fairy. I want her to take all my anger from me instead of my tooth. I hope it works.'

I remembered that. I had gotten mad because we were playing house. I wanted Jujubee to be both the parents, and I'd be the two kids. She didn't want to. She wanted to play the part of a child too. I freaked out, of course. I specifically remembered telling her she'd do it if she cared about me. She said she did care. But in the heat of the moment, I didn't believe her.

"God, I was such a brat," I spoke quietly.

I skipped some pages, unsure of what I was to find. And seeing one specific name, I stopped flicking through.

'Dear Blair,

You are like the sunshine. You are…'

I stopped reading, cringing at my child self. Was this before I realised it was a crush or not? What was hilarious about this entry was how damn long it was. All other accounts were short and straight to the point. But this? It went on for 3 pages. I bet my younger self felt mega proud about writing so much. But now, I felt the need to build a fucking time machine, go back to that moment and tell little Brianna, "Guess what? Nothing happens. Blair never becomes your friend. She never feels the same way about you the way you feel about her, so stop before you make it worse for yourself!"

I decided I was taking this diary back to New York. I needed to investigate it more. And there were probably some accounts that Jujubee would cackle laughing at.

My nostalgia trip wasn't at its peak just yet. I needed something that would just send me over the edge of happiness. And I knew I'd probably find that in my memory box. But there was a problem. I had given it to my Mom, asking her to hide it away somewhere. And whenever I wanted to put something into it, I'd give it to her, and she'd hide it for me.

And I made her promise to only give it back to me when I turned 50. No matter how much I cried and begged, she could not break that promise. Young me knew one day I'd be on a one way trip down memory lane.

I was so tempted to find the box. Surely, it couldn't have been too hard to find. But Piggie growled for a moment, his ears perking up. He looked at the window and started barking. I was now aware of the sound of a car's engine. A familiar one at that.

Finally, Mom was home.

I peaked out the window to see she was grabbing her bag from the car.

Piggie and I raced down the stairs, taking the vase from the living room and waiting excitedly at the door.

Funny how with excitement there came a level of anxiety, the tiniest hint of fear bubbling in your stomach. And I felt it all as soon as I heard the jiggling of the key.

The door opened slowly as if she already knew something was unusual about the place like she was bracing herself for whatever she was going to find.

She peeked around the door. My smile was beaming.

"Happy Birthday!" I shouted.

"Jesus Christ!" Mom flinched, almost falling back and stamping on the ground. Piggie was going wild now, barking from all the excitement. "Brianna, you could have given me a heart attack!" She shut the door and clasped a hand to her chest.

I laughed at her over-the-top reaction and held out the vase. "I got you another one."

Mom looked at me, still panting from her shock. She was silent for a moment, and in that silence, I realised how much I had missed her.

Mom stepped forward, took the vase and put it to the side. As she pulled me into a tight hug, I could see her face scrunching up.

There are two people of people; those who can't stand seeing their Moms cry. And fucking liars.

Of course, I belonged to the first group. As you know, I…

Well, you already know. Here, let me put in a fun diagram of things I didn't want to deal with at that moment.

"Don't ever scare me like that again, you bitch." Mom spoke softly in my ear as she cried.

"I couldn't help myself." I forced a smile.

As much as I hated seeing her cry, I knew she needed it. Me being the only child she ever had, it broke her heart when I moved out in the first place. I'd imagine it was tough now that she was alone.

Yeah, she had Piggie. But it obviously wasn't enough. So I let her cry it out as she hugged me. I could smell the perfume, and again, I felt that safety, the security a Mother's love brings.

When she pulled away, she immediately moved to the kitchen, already brewing some tea. I let her know that I didn't mind if she had to go upstairs and change or anything. But she insisted we get into the catch-up.

"I invited some people from work to come over later. You remember the flower shop beside the old church?" Mom rambled, her shaking hands pouring the tea into two mugs.

"Of course I do," I answered, sitting at the table, with Piggie in my lap.

"Yeah, I work there now." Mom replied.

I felt bad. This shouldn't have been news. It was my part to already know that.

Mom sat at the table, placing the mugs down too. Piggie's attention was drawn to them, licking his lips with thirst.

"So I hope you're not jet-lagged, girl." The excitement was practically radiating from her face.

I was a bit exhausted, but she deserved to have a great night. "I'm good. Don't worry."

"Oh, and your aunt is coming." She added, sipping her tea.

"Aunt Monét! Yes, bitch."

It had been a very, very long time since I last saw Monét. She knew how to turn a party. And she was always so glamorous. I remember numerous times as a child asking her to teach me her ways, be my mentor, so I could grow up to look as good as she did.

"So, it's gonna be a long night. Be prepared." Mom said.

"So, it's a party?"

"Not my plan, but knowing Monét, that's how it will turn out. Anyway, I saw pictures from the event last week. You looked great up on that stage, baby. Keep doing me proud."

I gave her a gracious smile as I sipped my tea. A small drop fell onto my lap. Piggie was searching for it, but it had already soaked in. Sorry, Piggie.

"Yeah, I kinda fucked up, though," I said, playing with one of the dog's ears.

"'Fuck’ always has been your favourite word," Mom shook her head, "Go ahead. Tell me, what did you do?"

"So at the after-party, I kinda offered Ed Sheeran to be the first person to go through. Please don't ask me why. The answer is; I was drunk. I don't have a more logical explanation for you right now."

Mom was silent for a moment, her eyes narrowing. "Ed Sheeran? Why him?"

"I told you, I have no idea." I sipped my tea. "I'm just a fucking idiot when I'm drunk."

"So, what now? Is he actually going to do it?"

"Yep. His team got in contact. Everything is set in stone." I was ashamed of the whole Ed Sheeran thing, but now telling this to my Mother, it felt all the more embarrassing.

"Oh, God. This is going in history books, girl." Mom held her forehead in her hand.

"I know," I reciprocated. "Even worse, now they're asking the big questions like 'is the atmosphere safe on the other side?' We're still in the middle of working all that out."

"OK, asides from the Ed Sheeran fuck up," Mom put her hand on mine, "I am extremely proud of how far you've come since you were just a kid."

Uh oh. This wasn't what I wanted.

"And I know you're so busy with this whole thing, but sometimes, I just wish you'd call."

Fuck. "I'm sorry."

"Oh, no. I don't wanna make you feel bad, girl. Like I said, you're a busy lady." She held a hand up.

But still, I felt bad.

"Shit. I was supposed to pick up some lemonade on the way home." Mom stood up, taking her tea with her. She had barely touched it.

"I could go to the store if you want," I suggested, taking a big gulp of tea.

"I mean, if you wanna, go for it. Tina still works there. It would be nice to see her again." Mom continued. She reached in her pocket.

I kissed Piggie on the head before putting him on the ground. "It's OK. I got it." I stood up from the table.

We had a bit of back and forth about who paid. I left before she could even give me her spare change.

Before I walked out the door, Piggie looked sad to see me go. Of course, I was coming back, but he didn't know that. Therefore I felt guilty.

I put my sunglasses on as I walked out the door. It wasn't even sunny out, but I knew I'd probably get stopped by people I used to know to dive deep into conversations about how far I had come. I had things on my mind, so many thoughts circling in my head.

I knew I should have put more effort into staying in contact with Mom. But after years of putting her through hell, I felt a sense of guilt. There were a few times I'd message, and somehow the conversation would take a turn, and she'd bring up a childhood memory.

I was done with my past. I was once a troubled child who eventually grew up to have a better mindset. I didn't want to relay the breakdowns, all of the vases I had smashed.

Then I realised how much of a contradiction that all was as I realised it was all that was on my mind as I walked down the street. So I plugged in my earbuds and drowned out the thoughts with whatever Spotify had to offer.

[retphienix]

There are so many fucking games I want to play for the blog and I hypothetically have the time, but the energy, the attention span, the drive?

In more positive terms here are some various titles I plan to give a shot for the blog.

Let's do a 5am state of the blog kind of thing to clear some thoughts, eh?

Morrowind (Current Game ramble)

For the moment the blog is more or less on break with me playing Morrowind ""For the blog"" but mostly for me, because that's just a game I've wanted to explore. Not that every other game on the blog isn't that, just that I looked at Morrowind and said "That'll be a terrible game to present naturally. That's a stream game, or a condensed video, not a liveblog" and then did it anyway.

I'm loving Morrowind! Honestly the sense of mystery, fantasy, and adventure is just chef kiss levels of perfect to me.

But it's terrible in a photoset, I'm not particularly interested in doing another format for the game, and it's a game with less 'intense narrative themes!' and more 'Incredibly different game design compared to modern Bethesda' in terms of discussion material and let's all be real here:

We're all fucking tired of that conversation lol.

So there ain't much to talk on in depth, it's more of a "Here's a newbie seeing new things!" playthrough with nothing to talk about after the fact, which ain't a strong point for the blog- again- that's a stream/video kind of thing.

ANYWHO- Morrowind fun, about the only news I can offer on that series is that it might abruptly end and become a 'for me' series because I'm not particularly interested in beating the game nearly as much as I'm interested in exploring aimlessly and seeing what happens.

I'm not playing Morrowind for the end goal of beating the main quest, or beating the DLCs. I'm playing it to wander into caves and find new pants, so if I reach a point where I'm satisfied with what I've shared and my motivation has not borne a new end goal then I'll end the live blog and move on to a new game :P

Backlog

The short statement I'll make is that this blog is a hell for my backlog.

Even without infinite money on hand I've ended up with so many physical and digital games just sitting here waiting to be played either because they caught my eye or because of recommendations by various people over the years.

I keep sitting down, cataloguing my backlog, realizing it's pointless to catalog, deleting it all, and then starting over yet again.

The fact is, if anyone recommended it it's probably still sitting in a text document somewhere, or physically on my shelf, and I don't remotely know when I'll get to it.

I've yet to hit the point where I decide to turn this blog into work, so I have never sat down and gone "Well, Retphienix NEEDS to post! Sit down, 8-12 hours minimum, let's play the next game!"

And part of me wishes I'd do that, but the fact is this isn't a job. There's no money here, there's the opposite even! I don't remotely see it that way, but if you squint and tilt your head I've spent a lot of money on this blog over the years.

Capture devices (a lot of them!), consoles specifically bought for the blog, controllers out the wazoo, I've gone through multiple computers for this thing, and the games, my lord the games- so many games.

And that's fiscally, what about manpower? So many hours have gone into this blog, so many hours poured into the background of making all this work, researching shit, putting my all into formulating my opinions clearly for posts, writing, hell video shit even though it's mostly clips as my one step into edited content became an impromptu awkward hiatus from doing more lol.

What was I on about.

Despite all that nonsense, Retphienix is a passion project. Not a job.

If I lack the passion in some sense then the work doesn't get done "just for the sake of the work". And I don't mean lost passion as much as "No motivation on x day; tired on y day; interested in doing something else on z day" etc.

If things aren't clickin' I don't force it, so the blog has all this backlog and isn't put together in a way that facilitates burning through it quickly.

I do sometimes wish things were different though, I know I'd still enjoy such a playstyle, but I can't justify "faking it til you make it" in a format that literally isn't built to pay and was never intended to.

I can't work myself for nothin'.

Hypothetical "Next" games

While the backlog is a wild wasteland of titles, there are some that just kinda guarantee their spots sooner rather than later.

Yakuza 6 and 7 along with Judgment, obviously. The series is one of my all time favorites and I generally have some of my absolute most fun on the blog side of things with those games, so it's a winner on two fronts. It's just fun to react to, post out of context things for, and talk with other fans about and for whatever reason tumblr has a healthy enough fanbase for the series that my meager blog gets some attention there.

Dragon Quest has a strangely weighted chance all things considered. DQ has many of the same advantages as Yakuza- it's a series I adore, it's fun to talk about in this format, and the fandom is big enough to occasionally spill my way making the blogging experience a bit more fun. It's also a series where I don't know what'd come next to be fair. Probably DQ4? I mean, might as well continue on from that point since I have 1-3 done. I can't exactly justify replaying the entirety of DQ11 no matter how much I want to! Turning on the games above gave me DQ goosebumps which kinda settled how likely it is to show up sooner rather than later, lol.

Jeez. I looked at one of my surviving lists and that's like all that's popping out at me.

Other series feel like giant leaps with no gas in the tank, like do I want to start playing Kingdom Hearts? Not really, not right now. Do I finally play Lisa? Eeeeeeh. Persona? Hmmmm.

I haven't the fuzziest. There are so many one off interesting titles, but if the drive ain't there they might as well be textbooks.

Perhaps instead of any major next game I'll just do some afternoons exploring random titles for a bit here and there with no intention of beating em.

The idea is enticing as hell, but the feeling of not giving the game's a "real shake" feels bad.

We'll see. The only certainties seem to be Yakuza and DQ, as much as I'd prefer far more.

Side project hypotheticals

Outside of the basic live blog stuff I'm still interested in exploring scripted stuff. Mostly to prove to myself that I can overcome some anxieties and break from the meandering pace the last effort gave- I can write! That much I know! So just gotta trick myself into writing for a video and then make the video after the fact lol.

Current thoughts are on a video exploring the monster taming sub-genre. It's a genre near and dear to my heart, and one I know some weird things about as is- but mostly it's a genre I KNOW I know very little about despite that, so I'd like to give it an overall look, or perhaps just explore some random entries, I haven't a clue lol. I'd mostly like an opportunity to talk about some interesting entries in the genre, things like explaining my adoration for DWM while explaining how the flaws make it really rough today, or the interesting mash of genres that is Lost Magic, or the more modern take that mashes idle-like mechanics with Siralim Ultimate.

Won't lie, playing the demo for Monster Hunter Stories 2 threw a wrench in that plan because it made me want to talk about it and how the genre might have a new breath of life after really grinding to a halt as pokemon became what it is today, but all to be seen or not lol.

As far as other things like streams? Not really.

The concept of writing a bit more on games is tickling the back of my head lately, but that mostly just means "more posts that aren't live-blogging" as I haven't the fuzziest where I'd share such nonsense.

Really it's all up in the air as far as retphienix content is concerned, beyond the live blogging obviously.

5am closing

It's fun to explore what games have to offer, both on the individual level, the personal level, and as a whole- as a medium.

So I like Retphienix.

And I like all I've made here.

I hope to continue for a long, long time- no matter what future formats might look like.

[bots-basket]

Snapshot: make a little doodle or drabble one of your favorite scenes!

{ Yeah So My Brain Miraculously Decided To have motivation and Did a Full blown Story with Pictures So Here Ya Go!

*Note: Some of the pics used are screenshot redraws. }

🌀Vortex 🌀

Terrible. Absolutely Terrible. How could things Go So Bad?

The Tobot Crew had Awoken To a start. The Princess had Gone Missing! Onyx was the first to realize she was Missing when she didn't come out for breakfast that Morning. At First The Eldest Kept it to himself as he searched around the Junkyard, Hoping he'd Just find her Hiding or sleeping in a Random Place again. Whenever he didn't have to Worry his little Brothers the better. But After a while of Searching he Began to get concerned.. and So Did His siblings.

It was obvious that this was going to be an unavoidable Conversation, So He told Rox and Zephyr the News. Zephyr was the first to Panic.

" WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PRINCESS D: "

Zephyr Exclaimed as he Flared his Arms around in worry. How Could she be Missing?! She was Just here Last Night.. Why would she Leave? Now she's Lost in the city with who knows what lurking around the next Bend.

Rox was also Wildly Concerned for the Princess, But Handled it a bit better for Zephyr's Sake. Though he Put on a Brave Face he couldn't Hide the worry in His Tone as he Looked to Onyx.

" If we Hurry, we Might be able to find her- Right? I'll Do a Sweep of the entire City If I Have too.. W.. We'll definitely Find her.. No Matter what.. Right..?"

Onyx Looked to Rox and Zephyr and saw the complete Desperation in their Optics.. Glinting threw their Masks and Visors. He didn't Know where The princess could be or What has become of her.. But he Isn't going to Let Those negative Thoughts get to him. He has to be Strong.. for the Princess- And For his Brothers. He Gave a Swift Nod to Rox and Zephyr before responding and taking Charge of the Matter.~

" We Are going to find her, But we'll Need to broaden our Search by splitting up. Rox, You Go North towards the City Shops And Keep an eye in the sky. Remember, She likes to Avoid Contact with others so keep close attention on the Side-streets. Zephyr, You Head South towards The Villages and see if she's at any of her usual Alone-time Spots. I'll Head towards the Woodland Area where she Goes to find lost things. And keep Your Comm units up."

The Two Smaller Bots Nodded before Transforming into their Alts and Zooming off to Go Look for the Princess. Before he Left he Glanced Around the Junkyard.. Something Was giving him a Bad Vibe that something was going to happen As soon as he Left this place.. He wasn't sure about why he was feeling this way, But He wasn't going to take it lightly.

/// *I'll Just Have to Keep my Guard Up..*\\\

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It Had Been Over 2 Hours since the Squad had been Searching For Their Little Lost Princess.. And there was No Luck Or Clue to her whereabouts At All. Rox had Circled the City Twice Now .. He Hated to Admit it, But He was starting to Get as Worried as Zephyr was about Their Pilot. What Kind of Hero Could he be if he can't even protect the ones he Loves?

He was about to Double-back Once More when Something Caught the Edge Of His Optic. He Transformed Midair and Zoomed down to A Nearby Rooftop to get a Better Look at What he Saw. As he Peaked over the edge of The building, The Thing he saw was unmistakable.. He was going to need Backup. He Shakily Reached for His Comm Unit before speaking In A broken Tone.

[* I.. Found Her.. *]

[* What? Where!?* ]

[* Roxas Where's the Princess?*]

[*- Is Struggling to Answer-*]

[* ROXAS!*]

[* It's Tobais.. He's.. He's Got Her..*]

Onyx Felt as If an Arrow Pierced threw His Armor and into his Core as He Heard the Name That They All Dreaded come out of Rox's trembling Voice. No.. NO- Not Him.. Anyone But Him-! This has turned into the absolute Worse case Scenario. Whatever that Bad Man is planning he Must Be Stopped at Once! Their Princesses Life may depend on them-!

Zephyr Was Shaking too as he heard Tobais Ring out throughout his Mindcore. The Last encounter with Him Lead to The Poisoning Of the Princess.. they were forced to Do Terrible things just to get the Antidote. That man Was a Psychopath- who Knows What He'll Do To Their Princess now that she's in his Clutches. Even though he was scared of Tobais.. He Has To Be Brave! They Have to Save Her!

[* Rox, Where Are You Now? *]

[* I'm Down Norsh Street, Near the New Coin Factory. I Can see Some Of Tobais Badnicks Guarding the Place.. What Do I Do? *]

[* Staying Hidden will be the best move for Now Roxie, We'll come to you. We are Stronger together plus Have each other's backs Incase Tobais Might try to Capture you too. *]

[* Understood, I'll Keep You Posted if anything Happens.*]

Rox Hated All Of this. Tobais Never Fails to Get Under his Metal Plating. Why Must He Have his Wicked Heart Set On Torturing his Family! He's Crushed Rox's Dreams Of Being a Heroes To this City.. He Made them Become Criminals... all At The Princesses Expense. But This is it. He's going to Make Tobais Pay for everything He's Put him and his Family through.. There is No Redemption for this Villan.. He Must Be Vanquished.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It didn't Take Long For the Other two the Show Up and meet Rox on the rooftops. Having Scoping out the Area and Situation, The small Squad of Robots Came Up with a Plan. Now all they had to Do was Take Action. Onyx Glanced to his siblings before Whispering

" You ready to Storm the Villan's Castle?"

" Absolutely."

Zephyr Nodded as he made his Servos into a Fist. There's no way he's getting away with this.

" Then Let's Do This!"

Rox Shouted before Flipping off the Roof. The Mecha Guards Looked Up in surprise as The Orange Mech Came from outta Nowhere and Falcon Punched one of them Into The Factories Walls.

The Other Guards Quickly Armmed themselves with their Pistols and began Firing Blasts at Rox. In an Instance a Blue Energy Shield protected him from Taking any Damage. Behind the Shield stood Little Zephyr in a Protective Manner, Making Sure Rox Was Safe.

" I Am a Knight of Valor and Won't Let you do as you Please!"

Rox Smiled To Zephyr Before reaching for his second set of Wings And Unhitching them from his Back, Revealing that they were actually Duel Blades. He Gave a Swift Leap into the Air and Hovered above The Guard Robots. Placing his Blades together he dragged them against each other as an Electrical Pulse Began to Surge from his Body and into the Blades. With a Glint in his Optics Shinung through his Visor he Let Out his Catchphrase.

" To Save the Innocent From This Evildoer's Clutches, I Am a Hero! "

He Sent A Slash Of electricity Down Upon Most of the Guards, Leaving only a Few left Standing. The Last Of them Who Managed to Miss the Charge Of Rox's Ability Sent Guided Missiles at the Flying Mech, Attempting to Put him Out of they sky For Good.

The Eldest Sibling However wasn't going to let him be taken Down So Easily. With the whirl of his Cape He Skillfully Cloud stepped and Got infront of Rox within a Few movements. Raising his servo he managed to create a Magnetic Field to Divert the Course Of the Missiles and sent them Spiraling Down on his Opponents.

" Your End Is Near- For I Am Their Guardian, So Accept Your Fate."

Zephyr Stood his Ground as the Blasts from the Missiles Blowing Up the Remains of the Guards nearly sent him perpeling backwards. Before the Dust could even Settle The Three Hurried Inside The Factory Opening, Hoping that They could see some sort of Clue to where Tobais was keeping their Princess.

Bad Move.

As Soon as they Entered The Factory Bright Spotlights Blazed in their Optics Causing A Temporary Blindness in their visual Sensors. In an Instance Rox Felt Something Grab Onto his Wrist and Twist it Violently Behind his Back, Causing him To drop his Swords and let Out a Screech in Pain by the sudden forced Movement.

" AAAARRRGGHH!!"

Onyx's Sensors Flicked Slightly as he whipped around Towards the direction of Rox's Screams. He Darted Towards the source while Unsheathing His Arm Blades. He Slashed In the direction Of the last known Sound, Hitting something.. Metallic. He Heard Rox give a Subtle Gasp as he felt the grip of his Attacker leave his Wrists for a Moment. The Purple Mechs Sensors Flicked Once more as he Glanced around Blindly. Suddenly he Felt something Grab his Leg- Slamming him into the ground and then Into Rox in a Brutal Manner.

" ACK- *SLAM* UGH-!"

" UCK-"

" ROXIE! ONYX- WHERE ARE YOU?!"

Zephyr's Headfins Flapped Wildly as Anxiety began to Creep into his Mindcore as he Frantically Tried to Figure out what was happening. And Fact that he couldn't see anything didn't Really help his Demeanor either. All He could Do was the cries of Pain Of his Big Brothers as something was Attacking them.

Then The Sound of Metal crashing to the ground stopped abruptly- Causing him to Literally freeze in Panic. He Felt a cold Shivver Creep up his Spine as Something loomed Over him. At that very Moment His Optical Functioning restarted... But it was too Late. A Metal Hand Slammed It's fist ontop the Little Bot, Knocking him Out Cold.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a Few Moments The Squad Came too, And Found themselves in a Very dreadful Situation. They were Hanging from The Ceiling in a Steel-Inforced Net, All Of their Weapons and Gear was confiscated, And Worst of All- There Stood Ontop a Mighty Mech was Tobais, Wearing a Wicked Smirk as he Held Held up Their Beloved Princess.. With a Look of True Terror in Her Tear filled Eyes.

" YOU COWARD! USING YOUR UNDERHANDED TRICKS TO CAPTURE US! IF YOU DON'T LET GO OF THE PRINCESS RIGHT NOW SO HELP ME-"

Rox Snarled as he Grabbed onto the Metal Netting, Attempting to Break Threw It. HOW DARE HE TREAT THE PRINCESS THAT WAY!! Showing her off Like Some Trophy he'd won. If he has hurt her in anyway he was going to Cause some Serious Damage to this Dude.

" wHy Are You Doing this To Us-! Release the Princess!.. Please..She's Done Nothing To You- "

Zephyr Was Trembling as he Spoke. The Sight Of His Princess So Afraid Made him Scared aswell.. He knows What this Man was capable Of.. And the Fact that He Not Only has Her.. But he Single Handedly managed to Capture All three of them aswell Made him Even More Afraid. The edges of His Optics Began to Spike to mimic that Of Crying.. He wished he could Just wake up from this Nightmare.

" What Do You Want Tobais! We'll Do whatever You Say, You have Us! Just Don't Hurt Her! She's Just a Child! She doesn't have a use for Your Plans!"

Onyx Called Out in hopes Of Negotiating with Him. He would give himself Up If it meant protecting Her.. They Owe her their Lives, He can't just let her Loose hers.

But Tobais, on the other hand, Could Honestly Care Less. He Only Laughed at their pleas Before Throwing their Princess Off the Mech and watched as she crashed to the ground. She groaned in pain As she weakly looked up to her Protectors Dangling helplessly in the air calling out to her.

" PRINCESS!!"

The Prof. gave a Small Humm as he Turned his Attention to the Trio Aggressively trying to Get To their Pilot, Only to Continuously Fail. It was Quite Amusing To say the least.

" Your Right You Know.. I Don't need Her.. But I Don't need You anymore either. I have Proven that A Human Mind and Intellect Is Stronger than your Dumb Little Mindcores with this Mech."

~ He Smiled as He Slid into the Cockpit of the Mecha And Stood Proudly Behind their Fallen Pilot. ~

" Now I'll Be Able to Achieve my Greatest Ambitions with This Mech suit. Best Of all I won't have to Worry about you Ruining my Schemes. I'm Sure You're gonna make Great Spare Parts once I Dismantle you. I'm sorry To Say but.. You've Outlived Your Usefulness.. Just Like this Child."

~ He Moved The Large Mech Towards the Girl, It's Large Metal Feet shaking the factory with each Step.. She Couldn't get away.. she couldn't even see it coming.. Her Fate was set as the Giant Mech Lifted it's Pede Above their Pilot.~

" So Long little Princess."

"No..-"

" NO..-!"

" NOOO!"

She Saw the Metal Foot Coming Down Upon Her.. She Heard the Horror striken Cries of her Tobots.. she couldn't see a way Out.. She Closed her eyes and Let out One Last Shriek as the tears began to Flow down her Face..

" AAAAAAAAA-"

...

...

...

...

*Woosh!*

In that Instance, A Few Moments before disaster Something happened. Tobais Felt The Mech be sent Backwards as Something with Great force Rammed into it. When he went to See what the heck Just Hit him, He Couldn't believe his eyes. There, Towering Over the Small Child he was Going to crush... Was a Panther Of some sort.. No.. It wasn't a Panther.. It was a Tobot! But that can't be possible.. He'd never seen any Tobot that looked like him before- Where'd she get ANOTHER ONE-!?

" WHO ARE YOU!?"

" I Am Bass, Her Solider Of Destruction. All who Dare Hurt her Shall Succumb To My Claws..

So. Stay. away. From. My. MASTER."

Bass Snarled As the edges Of His Servos Dug into the Ground. He Didn't know who this was, Or How he even Managed to Capture her Guards and get his Grubby Little Hands on his Master.. But he's Going to make him Regret the day he even Laid eyes on Her. Bass hated to Admit it, But He's Grown rather Found Of his Master.

Ever Since she Helped Him Escape From his Creators.. From his predetermined Fate.. He Decided that Rosie and Rosie Alone Shall be His Master. But the time has come for Him To Step Up and Make it Known That She is His.

Tobias Was Appalled to be threatened by a Raggedy Looking Robot! Doesn't he Know who he Is! He'll teach this Dumb Cat Some Manners!

The Mech Regained itself before Sending a servo Towards the two, Aggressively Grabbing at them. In an Instant Bass Grabbed onto The scruff Of Rosie's Hoodie and Leapt Backwards, Avoiding being Caught By Tobais's Grasp. As The Mecha Grabbed and Swung at Them, The Feline-Estique Tobot Manged to Dodge every Swing Skillfully- Jumping into the Air with each Swing. As He was In Midair The Mech's Other Servo Grabbed his Leg and threw him into the ground with a Forceful *CRASH!*

Bass uses his Body to Sheild Rosie From Receiving any Damage from the Collision with the Floor. He Let Out a Hiss Of Pain as he Landed infront the Trapped Trio Struggling to get free. He Glanced at Them and then to Tobias Closing in on them. He Got to his Pedes and Set The Child Down Before Stepping ahead of her to Face the Man in the Mech.

"This Ends Now. "

He Let out a Thunderous Roar Before Slamming his Servos onto the Floor- Letting his Claws Dig deep to give himself Stability for The Stunt he was About to Pull. His Back Arched and Snarled. His Tail Began To Sperate into Sections as a Dark Purple Substance Swirled Out of It..

Tobais Couldn't believe what he saw! This Tobot.. Had Created A VORTEX!? How Could Something Like this even be possible!? He didn't Have time To Process what Was Happening as a Bright Purple Glow Engulfed the Room..

"ARRRGGGGGHH!!!!"

.....

.....

....

~Elsewhere~

....

...

...

A Large Purple Vortex Opened In the middle Of a Clearing beside a Lake- Throwing Bass, The Trio, And The Princess Safely- But roughly- Onto the Grass. The group Gave a Slight Groan as they Slowly Regained themselves. Bass Looked Over Rosie to Make sure she didn't hurt herself from the fall. Rox was the first Person to break The Silence

" I'm Sorry But What The Heck Just Happened-?!"

"..I.. I'm Unsure.."

Onyx Rubbed the Side Of his helm as he Glanced around the Area.. He didn't recognize this place at all.. Were they even still in the city? His attention shifted to the Mech Checking over their Princess.. He remember he had Appeared Suddenly and Saved her.. But just Who was he exactly..? He Flinched Slightly as the other looked back to him.

" I Created a Vortex To send us somewhere Safe."

Bass Spoke Up as he Finished Looking over His Master. She Only seemed to Have Sprained her wrist, Other than that She was just a little shaken up. That was a Relief. He Gave the Girl Her Glasses and Stood Upwards while Brushing himself off.

" Ah, Yes..Who the Heck are You! "

Rox Pointed his Digit At Bass As The Mech Stood Up. It's not that he isn't grateful or anything on how he kept the Princess Safe.. But How does a Random Guy Come outta Nowhere, Just Totally CLAIM the Princess, Face-off with Tobias, and Then Just Poof! Sent them to who knows where just like that!?

" I literally Just Declared my Name Five minutes Ago. But I suppose you couldn't hear me over your Failure to Protect The Kid."

Bass responded Coldly as his Tail Lashed From side to Side. He definitely wasn't impressed with His masters So Called 'Guardians.'

" WHAT!!"

Rox's Wings Flapped as He let out a Low Churr in irritation. Just Who does this Guy Think He Is!

" You Heard me. I'm surprised she's managed to survive this long Under Your Care."

The Mech Scoffed.

" Why You-"

He Growled as He Went to Punch The Smug Cat

" Roxie.."

Zephyr Placed his Servo on Rox's Shoulder and Looked at him with One of those Looks. Just Let it Go.. He Helped the Princess and That's all that matters.

" HMMPH!"

The Orange Mech looked to Zephyr and then to Bass and Huffed. Fine! Whatever! Let the jerk be a Jerk. At least he seems like the Loner type to Ridicule You Before Leaving in a Pretty Stupidly awesome Manner.

" Thank You For Your Assistance.. We Owe You Our Lives. "

Onyx Smiled Warmly to the other and offered his Servo to him. But that Motion didn't seem to fair well with the feline as he Avoided it like the plague. Onyx Lowered His Servo and Frowned Slightly.. Did he just Offend Him..? He Glanced to Zephyr and Just Shrugged.

" Let's Start Over.. I'm Zephyr! And these are My Older Brothers Rox and Onyx.. And You Are..?"

Zephyr Caught Onto Onyx's Motion and Quickly tried to Apologise while Also get on his good Side. He must Obviously be a Good Person To Come and Help them in A Time of Need, Right?

" *Tch* My Name is Bass, And from Now On I shall be the True Protector of Your 'Princess'. "

He Stated as he wrapped his Long Tail Around Rosie in an Defensive Manner while Glaring at the Trio. There was No Way he was Just going to let them Be her Caretakers. From Now On He's Going to Be Her Protector.. and there's Nothing they can Do About it.

" W H A T - "

All three Siblings Gasped in Unison-

Well that Was Unexpected. Looks like their Lives are About to get A Bit More Interesting~

~ End..? ~

[silentglassbreak]

So like I know I literally already requested one but I love your writing so much that I had to request another 😍 Maybe have Billy help with Steve's anxiety by forcing him into his pool or have a sandelot scene wear Steve 'drowns' on purpose so Billy's mouth would be on his. Omfg I'm so sorry but like I haven't found anyone else who takes requests for harringrove and honestly it's a struggle 😭

HI! Please feel free to send me all the prompts your heart desires. This one went a little off from where I had originally intended it, so I hope you still enjoy it!

I included Robin, because don’t we just need her sometimes?

And BTW, you’re the L I T E R A L sweetest! No need to apologize!

A Reason To Fall Is Better Than No Reason At All

Steve was trying to remember why he let Robin talk him into coming to the pool today. The sun, beating about as brightly as he was sure it possibly could, made his skin sting angrily. The splashing sounds from the kids had his head running in different directions, ultimately distracting him from the real reason he didn’t want to be here.

“Agh, Steve,” Robin ripped her sunglasses off of her face, revealing a red line where they sat on her cheeks. “Would you quit moping? It’s the middle of summer, it’s our day off. Would you please just enjoy yourself?” His eyes glared in her direction. He stuck his bottom lip out, pouting childishly while crossing his arms over his chest.

“No.” She rolled her eyes and replaced her sunglasses.

“I honestly don’t know why you don’t just talk to him.” She went back to flipping through her magazine, eyes barely skimming the pages.

“Yes, you do know why.” Steve’s Ray Bans sat over his hair, pressing it down in, he was sure, the most unflattering way. He pulled them off and pulled his knees up to his chest, hooking his arms around them. His eyes constantly wandered to the lifeguard chair, where Heather Holloway was perched. Her shift ended in T minus ten minutes, and then his day was going to get so much...harder.

“It’s not my fault you’re too pussy to actually tell Billy how you feel.” Steve scoffed, tilting his head back toward the blinding sun.

“Sure! Why not?” He threw his hands up dramatically and dropped his voice to just above a whisper. “Hey Billy, did you know that I’ve been, like, insanely in love with you since you beat my face in last year? Oh, and also, I’ve stared at you in the shower so many times after practice that I damn near memorized all your freckles? How about that?” Robin’s nose was scrunched up, staring at Steve with a sort of disgust. She made a disapproving sound.

“Yeah, don’t fucking say that.” Steve let his body fall limp in the pool lounger, eyes moving over the kids’ heads in the water. He counted them off one by one in his head.

Mike. Lucas. Will. Eleven. Max. Dust-

Where was Dustin?

He stood to his feet instantly, moving over toward the edge of the pool, foot almost slipping underneath him. He crouched down next to where the boys were horsing around, evidently arguing over a game of chicken. His hand reached out and slapped the water, splashing Lucas and Mike.

“Hey, shitheads.” They turned and glared at him.

“What?” Mike’s voice always had this tone that made Steve wonder why he even tolerated him.

“Where’s Dustin?” They all started looking around, then back to one another. Will shrugged at Mike before Lucas looked up at Steve.

“I think he went to get a drink at the snack bar?” Steve rolled his eyes and stood back up, replacing his sunglasses on his face and marching toward the small store. He was looking back at Robin, who was eyeing Heather from over the lenses of her sunglasses when something, someone, crashed into his chest.

“Woah, Harrington.” Hands we’re grabbing his forearms, steadying him on the slippery cement. “Easy.” Steve pinched his eyes shut for a second behind his glasses before turning his head back. He almost didn’t recognize the boy in front of him.

Billy was almost as tall as Steve, falling short by maybe an inch. His dark black Aviators hid his ocean blue eyes, freckles spread generously over his face, down his neck, over his chest. Steve would know. But it wasn’t any of it that stunned Steve, it was Billy’s hair, or lack thereof.

Billy’s blonde curls always hung just above his shoulders, mullet-style, or in a low ponytail. When Steve looked at him now, it was just gone. He couldn’t breathe for half a second, a slow grin spanning Billy’s lips.

“You alright, princess?” Steve ripped his arms out of Billy’s hands, praying his eyes, blown wide, weren’t visible behind his sunglasses.

“Yeah,” he pretended to brush his shirt off. He didn’t even fall. He was an idiot. “yeah, the ground’s just...slippery.” Billy smirked, seemingly amused.

“That’s because it’s a pool.” The words came out slow, as if that’s what Steve was to him. He huffed and moved to walk past Billy, heart hammering through his chest. Billy let him go with one last glance in Steve’s direction, but he didn’t quite see that.

*

An hour into Billy’s shift, and Steve was quietly arguing with Robin, begging her to let him leave.

“I am not watching all of these children by myself, Steve.” He was cross legged on the lounger, turned toward her and gesturing way too much with his hands.

“It was your idea to come here!” She nodded her head, now watching as Heather dove into the pool near the lap barriers.

“Yes it was…” Her voice trailed off, eyes so obviously following Heather as she lapped back and forth in the pool. After almost a minute, Steve snapped in front of her face.

“Earth to lesbian!” She shot a glare at him. She slapped her magazine down on her legs and gave him her full attention.

“Yes, Stevie?” Steve furrowed his brow, hated when she called him that.

“He cut his fucking hair, Robin! I can’t stop looking at him!” She chuckled and threw her head back.

“Earth to closeted bi-Steve, who is admittedly in love with Billy Bad-Ass!” He frowned intentionally.

“You think you’re funny?”

“Oh, I know I’m funny.”

“None of this is funny! This is torture, Robs!” She rolled her eyes then, turning her body towards him.

“Then go,” She paused and grabbed his chin. “talk,��� Turned his face toward the lifeguard tower. “to him.” Steve’s eyes stopped on Billy, shirtless, glistening, sunglasses pushed on top of his head, whistle shining around his neck.

Robin let go of his face and went back to her tabloid. “He’s into you too, by the way.” He felt like his heart stopped, maybe fell out of his chest somewhere near his stomach.

“He is not.” She scoffed, nodding her head curtly. “And how do you fucking know that?”

“Because when you were babysitting your children before, I might’ve chatted with Heather. They’re best friends, you know.” Steve’s mouth fell open. Her tone was teasing, but he couldn’t tell if it was because she was fucking with him, or providing him with information that she knew would make him do backflips.

“Please don’t screw with me like that, Robs.” She threw her head back, frustrated.

“You are absolutely incorrigible, Steve Harrington.” He glanced back at Billy, whose eyes were expertly trained on the pool and the patrons, waiting for a slip of misbehavior, an excuse to blow his whistle.

“Are you being serious?” She just hummed, flipping to the next page. “Alright.” Steve gripped the edges of the chair, knuckles going white. “Fuck it, I’m going to go talk to him.” Robin ripped her glasses off and looked at him.

“Seriously?! What are you going to say?”

“Robin!” She sat back, hand going up defensively.

“Okay, okay.” She nodded at Steve, lips in a hard line. “You’ve got this, Steve Harrington. You‘ve got this.” He nodded in agreement, his body standing off the lounger. Before he could walk away, his gut twisted and he turned quickly.

“Fuck, what do I say?!” She chuckled.

“I honestly don’t know.” She waved him off and looked off toward Heather. “Pretend to drown or something.” He shrugged, squeezing his eyes shut and taking a long, deep breath. He could do this. He could do this.

His body moved, almost involuntarily, and much too quickly toward the lifeguard chair on the other side of the pool. He ran over conversation starters in his head.

‘Hey, heard you like me. Want to get something to eat?’

‘Funny seeing you here, Hargrove. Want to make out?’

‘I’m in love with you, let’s fuck in the bathroom.’

He was only about ten feet from him now, and he had yet to find an acceptable way to even say hello to Billy, let alone confess his love. He didn’t need to that very second, right? He had time. Maybe ask him out for ice cream? He had plenty of access. Offer him a ride to Tina’s party tonight? Tell him he wanted to just hang out? One of those should work.

Steve’s head was so muddled, so distracted that he didn’t even see it, the discarded pair of sandals on the edge of the pool, wet and even slicker than the cement, until his foot kicked out from under him, head cracking on the edge of the pool. He heard someone yell, and he felt the searing pain just before he went into the water.

Luckily, Steve fell into the shallow end of the pool, legs catching him quickly, only most of his hair getting wet. Suddenly, he couldn’t quite remember his train of thought. He was headed somewhere, to talk to someone, but his eye was stinging from the blood streaming into it, and his forehead was throbbing.

His left eye shut reflexively, his hand reaching up to feel an open cut just under his hairline. When he pulled his hand back, his fingers were red and sticky. The sight made his stomach turn a bit, enough to make him want out of the pool and to sit down.

“You alright, pretty boy?” He looked up with one eye, fighting against the sun’s rays, to see him crouching next to the pool. “You need CPR?” Billy’s grin was genuine, but he was definitely fucking with Steve. He returned it with a nervous smile of his own, making his way to the edge of the pool. Billy held his hand out to Steve, helping him hoist himself up onto the edge and out of the water.

“I think I’ll be alright.” He noticed Heather standing behind Billy, eyes searching Steve’s face.

“You sure you’re alright? Do you need us to call an ambulance?”

“No!” Steve nearly shouted. As if this wasn’t embarrassing enough. “No, thank you. I’ll just clean up in the restroom.” She gave him a half smile. His eyes found Billy’s face, who was wearing a smirk that had some kind of meaning.

“Yeah, I think he’s fine Heaths. I’ll go get him cleaned up, and get him a fresh shirt.” Steve looked down at his white shirt, blood now staining the left side of his chest. Perfect. “Cover for me for a few?” She just nodded sweetly at him and patted Steve on the shoulder.

Billy’s hand guided him by the wrist toward the building behind the pool. They went through a door that read ‘Employees Only’, leading to a locker and shower room. Billy sat Steve down on a bench in front of his locker, fingers working the combination.

“Sorry, about this.” Billy snorted a laugh.

“Did you mean to do it?” Steve shook his head, disbelief on his face.

“No,” It came out as almost a chuckle. “definitely not.”

“Then don’t apologize.” Steve leaned his head back and shut his eyes, wishing he was anywhere else. Before he opened them, he felt Billy’s fingers brushing his hair off his forehead. When he looked, Billy held a cotton swab in one hand, some strip stitches in the other. “This shit’s going to sting.” He didn’t give Steve a chance to protest before he pressed the alcohol dipped swab to his cut, exciting a hiss from between Steve’s teeth.

It only took a few minutes before Billy had him cleaned up, blood gone from his face, cut closed and sterilized. He tossed a lime green shirt at Steve, taking the bloody one and shoving it in his locker.

“I’ll get the blood out and give it back.” Steve raised an eyebrow. “I know a thing or two.” He shook his head and unfolded the shirt. Billy leaned back against the lockers, eyes glued to Steve, moving up and down his body while he fiddled to find the front of the t-shirt.

“You know, Harrington, if you had wanted to get my attention, you could’ve just talked to me.” Steve froze, arms halfway in the sleeves, eyes stuck on Billy’s face.

“What?” His voice was so small, he almost didn’t hear it himself. Billy’s chest shook with a silent laugh.

“I mean,” He pushed away, moving into Steve’s space. “injuring yourself, just to get me to notice you? That’s kind of ridiculous, isn’t it?” Steve wanted to scoff, wanted to roll his eyes, wanted to do something. But he couldn’t, Billy was too close, breath too hot on his face.

“I didn’t-“ But Billy was quick, grabbing Steve’s arms, and pressing him against the lockers. Steve let out an exasperated sound.

“If you wanted my mouth on you, Steve,” His name rolled off Billy’s tongue like butter. “you should’ve just asked.”

He was on fire, on actual fire. Steve swallowed the lump forming in his throat, brewed as much confidence as he could, and…

“I’m asking.”

Billy growled then, lips catching Steve’s like a lion catching its prey. The kiss was hungry, desperate, everything Steve fucking needed. He tried to stop himself, but a low moan escaped when he felt Billy’s tongue lick past his lips, into his mouth. His arms dropped the shirt down, hands reaching up to grab the back of Billy’s neck, pulling their bodies closer. There was too much fucking space between them.

Billy’s lips trailed down Steve’s chin, biting lightly at the jawline, leaving wet kisses down onto his neck. He was going to stop breathing if Billy kept this up.

“Jesus Christ, Steve, I told you to pretend to drown, not to actually-“ Robin’s voice echoed off the walls before stopping short. Their heads both whipped toward her, eyes dark and hungry.

Steve gave a nervous grin and offered a short wave. “Hey Robs.” Her voice was much quieter then.

“H-Hey. Sorry, didn’t mean to-“ Billy took a step back from Steve and he immediately felt the absence. Billy padded over to the door, smiling all sugar and irritation before pushing to close it.

“Bye Robs.” He called before letting the latch click, hand turning the deadbolt. His eyes looked back to Steve, all fire.

“Now, where were we?”

[araluen-arrows]

ok i'm sorry i'm sending in another cralt immediately after that last WONDERFUL WORK but if you're still doing them, number 3 literally lines up so well considering halt is big on AntiSmiling

 3) “I just want to see you smile” from Anon 8/19/19 for Cralt

TRIGGER WARNING FOR: MINOR GORE, INJURY, BLOOD[ANGST/HURT/COMFORT]

I have no idea if this is what you were looking for, but I wrote it, and I kind of like it, so without further ado: 

Halt glanced down at his northseeker for the fiftieth time, praying to all the gods he believed in, and some he didn’t, that it was accurate. The trail had been all but obliterated by a blanket of snow, and the sky was overcast. They could blunder around for hours if they didn’t have the correct bearings, and in these conditions, that could be fatal. 

Nothing about the situation was ideal, he thought. The storm had blown in with no warning, and both he and Crowley had forgotten to unstring and stow their bows when the snows had hit. The cold caused wood bows to become temporarily unusable, more a danger to their owners than their enemies. Luckily, Gilan’s bow was safe, stored in his saddlebags because Gil was wearing his sword instead. 

The cold was starting to bite now that the sun was setting, stretching its icy fingers through every gap in their cloaks, stinging their eyes and numbing their faces. Halt fumbled the map with frozen fingers. Cursing, he bent over Abelard’s neck to retrieve it.

It was that movement that saved his life.

A dagger hissed through the air, a hairsbreadth from where his head had been a split-second before. Had Halt not moved, it would have taken his eye out. As it was, he was left with a very painful nick in his ear. 

Abelard whinnied in alarm. Halt turned instinctively toward the direction of attack, deflecting another dagger with his saxe knife. His hand reached for his bow on instinct but grasped only empty air. 

Cursing, Halt slid off his horse, finding that Crowley had already done the same. Armed with only daggers, they could no longer fight effectively from horseback. Only Gilan remained on Blaze, drawing his sword and pirouetting around with almost frightening ease. 

“What do we have here?” Halt asked quietly.

A group of outlaws emerged from the tree line. Halt counted around eight, maybe upwards of ten. This would be a tough fight, especially when he and Crowley were both armed with only knives. 

One bandit stepped forward, clearly the leader of the group. “Well, now. A group of Rangers travelling in an unknown fief without their big bad longbows? Looks like easy prey to me,” he drawled. 

He was dressed in white and gray furs, the mottling pattern reminiscent of a Ranger cloak, and he held his sword like he knew which end of it was which. Halt realized with a terrible sinking sensation that these were people who knew what they were doing. 

“I’m saying this, by the way, so you know that we know exactly who we’re dealing with. Not all of us are scared of you and your damned cloaks.” The leader raised an eyebrow, and Halt felt an unnecessary frisson of rage. That was his expression. 

His heart pounded in his chest. “Who are you?” he asked. 

The brigand only laughed, ignoring the question. “Why don’t you all drop your little daggers on the ground?” he asked instead. “Saxe and throwing knives both.” 

Halt hesitated, his mind frantically searching for a way out of their situation, and found none. They had been ambushed, and the trap had been well-planned. There was no way out.

For now, he thought grimly. Nothing better than a healthy dose of sheer desperation for hatching ingenious plans. 

“Come, now,” the bandit said, as if he knew what Halt was thinking. “You’re in no position to bargain. You’re surrounded by my men, including one who can put a knife through your heart at a hundred paces. Drop your weapons.” 

Halt numbly placed his saxe on the ground, followed by his throwing knife. He heard two dull thuds behind him as Crowley did the same. 

 The bandit nodded, a smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes. They were the eyes of a hard man, Halt thought. Then he amended the statement. Those were the eyes of a cruel man. 

“Kick them away from you. No sudden movements. My man over there gets pretty uptight. Don’t want any happy accidents, now, do we?” Halt was hoping he would gesture at the man in question, but the leader kept his dark gaze fixed on Halt and Crowley. He didn’t seem to have to blink as much as a normal person. This was getting better and better, Halt thought. There wasn’t a single rudimentary mistake he could exploit. 

“You, boy!” the leader suddenly snapped. “Come any closer and he’ll put a knife through both of your companions.” Gilan, who had slipped off his horse and was stealthily approaching the leader, froze, his mouth opening in surprise. What worried Halt was the fact that the bandit hadn’t seemed to look his way once.

“Drop your sword, too,” the leader said. Gilan hesitated before complying, placing his sword reluctantly on the ground. Halt’s hands tightened by his sides. Gil had no place in this. He was a boy, just a boy—

All hell broke loose.

Crowley’s throwing knife spun through the air, glinting wickedly, to bury itself in the chest of a bandit standing ten paces away. He threw up his arms in a silent cry of pain, and Halt saw with a glow of satisfaction that he carried nearly a dozen daggers in his belt. Crowley had picked the right target. 

But he had been disarmed—how had he managed to—

Halt’s gaze landed on the discarded weapons in the snow. Crowley had thrown down a regular skinning knife and a kitchen knife from their cooking kit, retaining his own weapons. Halt filed the trick away for use on a later date. 

Gilan dove through the snow, snatching his sword off the ground and flicking it across the throat of a second brigand before anyone could react. Halt felt a glow of pride spread through his chest. 

“Damn the orders, kill them!” the bandit leader snarled, seeing his man fall. “Kill them all!” 

As one, the brigands surged forward. 

Halt let his instincts take over, scything the legs out from underneath one bandit and hooking another one in the jaw. His left hand frantically scrabbled in the snow for his saxe, closing his fingers around it just in time to clumsily parry a sword stroke swung at him from a third enemy. 

This new swordsman was good, wielding his weapon with the same poise that Halt saw in Gilan’s swordwork. Without the additional leverage given by his throwing knife, Halt was forced to give ground, deflecting strikes from all sides. The sword reflected the snow until it seemed like a pinwheel of light, attacking from no direction and every direction at once. Every blow shook his already-numb arm until it was all he could do to hold on to his knife, his last measly defense against impending death. 

With a last, jarring stroke, the bandit knocked the saxe from Halt’s paralyzed grasp. Halt desperately rolled out of the way, knowing that he was still in reach of the terrible blade. His shoulders tensed, expecting the searing pain to land between his shoulder blades and end his life— 

“NO!” A strangled yell broke from someone’s throat. Crowley’s, Halt thought dimly. 

He rolled over in time to see a sandy-haired blur crash into the bandit’s side, sending them both plunging to the ground. Halt tried to get to his feet, but the snow hampered his movements. It had gotten inside his jerkin, into his boots, the neck of his cowl… he was burning with the cold of it, barely able to move. 

“Abelard!” he shouted, desperate. The little horse understood, charging through the snow, teeth bared, and knocked the bandit flying. His sword skidded the other way, trampled out of his grasp. Halt turned, satisfied the threat had been dealt with, his mouth opening to thank Crowley. 

Then he saw the blood. 

It spread ominously through the snow, an inexorable tide of crimson. In the middle lay Crowley, not stirring, as more and more of the ground around him turned red. It seemed impossible that one person could hold that much blood, that anyone could lose that much blood without—

He refused to finish the thought.

Adrenaline surged through Halt’s veins, hot, scarlet, furious. He seized the nearest weapon—a crude branch, a meter long— and stabbed downward at the bandit’s face, heard bone crack, a horrible, sickening noise, felt blood spurt. This was his fault, his fault, all his fault—

He stabbed again, again, and Abelard neighed, a rising note of terrible panic that brought Halt out of his frenzy. Crowley. Crowley. His fault. My fault. 

He noted distantly that Gilan had remounted Blaze and was routing the remaining bandits, that their leader was nowhere to be seen but had left a scarlet trail in the trampled snow, but Halt pushed all that to the side, nearly tripping over his own feet in his haste to get to his friend. He was deathly pale and his eyes were closed, but Halt thought he detected a faint rise and fall to his chest. 

“Crowley,” he rasped, fighting desperately to hold onto his composure. “Stay. Stay with me, please.” He dug through his saddlebags, retrieving bandages, healing salve, anything. Anything that could help. 

“Halt!” Gilan cantered over astride Blaze, who shook her mane, showering them all with snow. “Halt, we drove them off! We won!” He took in Halt’s ragged gaze and shaking hands and froze, seeing Crowley’s prone form for the first time. 

“Oh,” he said, very quietly. “Halt, what—what—”

“Not now!” Halt snapped, dropping to his knees by Crowley’s side. His hands searched for a pulse, fearing the worst. It was there, sluggishly so, but it was still there. But how much blood had Crowley lost? How much longer did he have before—

Halt took a deep breath, forcing back his anxiety. “Get a fire going, Gil,” he said. He had to keep calm for his apprentice’s sake. For Crowley’s sake. “We need heat, sterile bandages, and we need them now.”

Gilan started a small fire with deadfall, heating snow for boiling water. Halt cut away at Crowley’s jerkin with trembling fingers, taking care not to prick his friend with the saxe. The leather was slippery with wet blood, and Halt gagged as he gingerly lifted it away from Crowley’s skin. 

The wound was nearly twenty centimeters long, a gash along Crowley’s abdomen. He noted with relief that the cut wasn’t deep, and there was no sign of pumping blood; some of it in the snow must have belonged to the other bandits. No major arteries severed, all organs probably intact. That was good. 

Halt also noted a series of scratches along Crowley’s right arm, probably from where the two had grappled for the sword after the first impact. One of his eyes was blackened as well, but that was a problem for later. 

He focused his attention on the larger wound first, cleaning the blood away with water from his canteen, which thankfully hadn’t frozen over. Once it was clean, he generously applied healing salve along the whole area, then debated whether to bandage it or stitch it up. 

“Better have a healer take a look first,” Halt decided. He took the bandages out of the pot. The water they were using to sterilize was just fifty degrees at best, but there was no time. Crowley had already lost a lot of blood, and the wound had to be closed now. He secured the bandages in place. Blood seeped through the linen, but at a slower rate than before.  

 “Gilan!” Halt called. His apprentice had been hovering near the fire for ten minutes now, and he wanted Gil to have something to do. “Ride like hell for Castle Norgate—shouldn’t be more than ten minutes away. Have them bring a healer as soon as possible. Drag him here by the scruff of the neck if you have to.” 

“Sir!” Gilan swung himself onto Blaze and galloped away, his cloak streaming behind him. He was hidden from view within seconds, lost to the twilight shadows. 

Halt threw a blanket over Crowley and stoked the fire. He wasn’t sure if Norgate had bears or wolves, but it was better to be safe than sorry. He retrieved Gilan’s recurve bow from the saddlebags, stringing and drawing it experimentally. It was far lighter than what Halt was accustomed to, but he would have to make do.

He sat back, having exhausted his immediate list of tasks. Crowley’s chest shuddered up and down as he fought for life. It was painful to watch. He wanted to turn away, but what if his friend breathed his last, and Halt wasn’t there because he had been too much of a coward to stay by Crowley’s side? He wasn’t sure if he would ever forgive himself. 

Halt shook his head, feeling utterly useless. There was nothing for him left to do but hope. 

Crowley’s eyes opened. For a second, they were filled with panic, and he tried to sit up. A searing pain shot through his torso as he aggravated his wounds, and he fell back again, defeated.  

“Wh—Halt,” he breathed. “Had me scared like hell. I thought they… they got you for a second there.”

“So—” Halt’s voice broke. “So did I.” 

Crowley nodded distantly. “I didn’t… didn’t know…” 

His eyes closed again, and his hand went slack in Halt’s grasp. For a dreadful second, Halt thought he had stopped breathing. Then Crowley sighed, his breath tickling Halt’s face, and he almost cried in relief. 

He rubbed gentle circles on Crowley’s wrist, barely conscious of what he was doing, talking in a steady, soothing voice. Whether the soothing was for himself or for Crowley, Halt didn’t know. 

“That tavern where we first met, do you remember?” he murmured. “We took down three of Morgarath’s beauties. Dragged them all the way to Castle Gorlan. Shot one in the calf: I have to admit, I enjoyed that. And that was the day we met, and also the day we met him, too: the Big Bad Wolf of this story.”

Part of him dimly wondered what he was doing. Halt had barely had the patience to listen to stories, let alone tell them. He continued anyway. 

“But what do you know: the soldiers came back the next day, by Morgarath’s own order, no less. I shouldn’t have been surprised. It was bound to happen sooner or later. We fought them off, but you were in a spot of trouble when I showed up, if I recall correctly. Really showed him, though, didn’t we? So don’t you—don’t you die on me now.” Halt swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut, focusing on the circles, on the feeling of Crowley’s skin under his. “We’ve been through too much for that to happen,” he whispered. 

“Sometimes I sit down and think on what would’ve happened if I hadn’t turned around that day. I was about to run off to Gallica, but I stopped to—” Halt swallowed again, his throat suddenly dry. “To say goodbye to you. Can you imagine what would’ve happened if I hadn’t done that? He—”

“—might well be King,” Crowley murmured, and he stirred, opening his eyes again. “But don’t—don’t you get a big head over that.”

For once in his life, Halt was at a loss for words, his heart too full to speak. “How are you feeling?” he managed.

“Like—” Crowley coughed weakly. “Like I’ve just gotten filleted with a sword.” 

“I hadn’t noticed.”

“Glad—glad to see you care,” Crowley said, and both men smiled. 

“But in all seriousness,” he continued, his voice barely above a whisper. “There are things I want you to know if—”

“No,” Halt said. “You can’t talk like that. You’re not allowed to talk like that.” 

Halt could not imagine a world without his oldest friend in it. It would be like losing the moon and all the stars in the midnight sky. Like looking up and only seeing darkness where they had once shone bright. 

Crowley grasped his hand. “For the sake of this Kingdom, Halt, I will.” 

He took a deep breath. “I want you to succeed me as the Corps Commandant.”

Even though Halt had expected the words, he felt like he’d taken a hammerblow to the lungs. “Crowley, I can’t—” I can’t fill your shoes once you’re gone. I can’t replace you. 

“You, or Gilan,” Crowley was saying. “I like what I see in him, Halt. He keeps a cool head under pressure, he isn’t afraid to take command, but more—more importantly, he was trained by you.”

This time, Halt couldn’t keep the tears back. He let them fall, unashamed. Crowley deserved those tears, he thought. 

At last, he managed to regain his composure. “There won’t be a need for that,” he said firmly. “There’s—there’s a healer coming, and they’ll get you fixed up. You’ll be fine. You’ll see.” He realized he was rambling on and stopped talking, fidgeting with a twig he’d picked up off the ground. “Sorry, Crowley. Is there anything else you need?”

Crowley shook his head, then paused. “Forgive the odd request, but—”

“Anything, old friend,” Halt said. 

“I want… to see you smile,” Crowley said, so softly that Halt thought he had misheard. “I just want to see you smile.” 

“Anything,” Halt whispered again, and then he smiled. 

It was a sad smile, but there was light in it too, a brightness that Halt hadn’t let anyone see since he had left Dun Kilty, since his sister Caitlyn had gone to an early grave. He let it spread across his face for Crowley with a fierce kind of joy, unhindered, unbounded. It was like a meteor after moonset, Crowley thought, like a light had come on in Halt’s soul. 

A light as bright as the moon and all the stars; a light that stayed with Crowley as he closed his eyes again, one word on his lips: 

“Halt.” 

And he knew, with a fiery certainty, that everything would be alright.