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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 4 years

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Episode 15: Death’s Door

Here we go. Edrisa is a treasure. (NOTE: This was written on April 19, 2020. Episode 19 had not yet aired.)

Thoughts and spoilers ahead.

0:27 - Malcolm is really scared here. He’s guilt ridden, sad, and scared. Listen to the way he apologizes to Dani. Yikes.

1:00 - I feel so bad for Malcolm here. Power of attorney and medical proxy? Martin is screwing with Malcolm’s emotions even while in a coma. Malcolm looks close to tears here and Dani looks like she wants to give Malcolm a hug.

1:55 - This isn’t what Sophie is wearing in the 1x17 flashbacks. Sooo this truly is fake right? At least most of it is? Ugh. I want answers so badly.

3:02 - Gil is not having a good day. He does not like this turn of events. He’s shocked that this has happened. He thinks Jessica is covering for Malcolm AND he’s super worried about Malcolm, Jessica, and Ainsley.

3:30 - I find the interaction between Ainsley and Gil in this scene interesting. It’s not familiar. They definitely had a relationship as Ainsley grew up. Maybe Gil and Ainsley aren’t/weren’t as close as Gil and Malcolm but Ainsley is definitely comfortable around him.

3:40 - Jessica trying to protect Malcolm is really sweet but it’s still scary. I wonder if Gil is getting in trouble because this was an incident that was directly related to his case.

3:51 - Holy hell. In the precinct lighting Malcolm looks...awful. He’s exhausted.

4:40 - I love Jessica’s gentle concern for Malcolm here. She’s usually pretty intense when she’s worried about her children. It’s really nice to see the softer, more nurturing side of her motherhood. ALSO - JT knows something’s up. Look at his expression.

4:46 - Can we just all take a moment to appreciate the comedy of this episode. 1 - Malcolm stabbed his father in the heart. hahaha it’s just so ironic. AND 2 - Jessica has Martin’s defence attorney listed as “The Devil” in her phone. This woman is vicious and I respect the hell out of her.

5:05 - hahaha OMG. Edrisa telling the 4th precinct to move over because her team is coming. hahaha Dani looks so amused by Edrisa’s antics. I love it. AND Gil. Dude that man doesn’t get paid enough - he’s a full time father, full time detective, and full time peacekeeper. He looks so done when Edrisa tells him what she’s done.

5:35 - OMG. Edrisa looks like she’s going to explode with excitement here. hahaha she’s freaking precious.

6:25 - This crime scene is whack. Straight up.

6:54 - hahaha JT and Gil simultaneously say “Don’t say it.” Does that mean that Bright brings up necrophilia a lot? Because he only really mentions it a couple of times in the first few episodes. DANG. Now I have a headcanon that the team has a text thread and Malcolm just keeps spewing facts about necrophilia on it and the whole team is done with it.

7:00 - This is concerning. First of all - Malcolm looks super manic and way too excited about necrophilia. Why is Malcolm so interested in necrophilia? I mean - I guess it’s kind of an interesting phenomenon....but super gross?

7:13 - JT and Gil look like they want to put Malcolm on a psych watch right now. They really think Malcolm’s mental health has spiralled to the point of no return. They’re very concerned. ALSO - JT expressing verbal concern for Malcolm is everything. Let’s hear it for character growth.

7:30 - Edrisa looks way too into this conversation.

7:40 - See that. JT knows. JT thinks Malcolm tried to murder his Dad. JT actually looks sad about it.

8:20 - Huh. So Everett Sterling got Martin his fancy cell and consulting privileges. Does that mean that Sterling works for Endicott? Sterling sounds like a super high end lawyer. Martin was a well-paid doctor but he definitely didn’t have access to Jessica’s wealth during the trail. I don’t think Martin could’ve paid for a lawyer like Sterling. So, maybe Endicott was paying Sterling extra on Martin’s behalf.

8:41 - Oh no. Oh no. Poor Jessica looks terrified.

8:55 - “Could be about your dad.” Gil looks concerned, bitter, and angry. He’s angry because the Carousel Killer put his kids, co-parent in a really bad position. He’s angry because he knows that Malcolm is lying to him. He’s concerned because he’s about 90% sure that Malcolm stabbed Martin. He’s concerned because he knows Malcolm’s mental health is taking a nasty nosedive right now. He’s bitter because he’s not Malcolm’s Dad and he couldn’t protect Malcolm from this.

9:23 - Listening to Malcolm and Edrisa nerd out about embalming is adorable. Malcolm actually looks happy, albeit a bit manic, for a moment. It’s just icing on the cake when Gil reigns Malcolm in from his impending long rant.

10:40 - Not cool Ainsley. Not cool. You just about gave your brother a literal heart attack simply because you want information. As usual, Ainsley neglects everyone’s well-being when she’s on the hunt for information.

11:30 - This is an interesting scene. Ainsley and Malcolm are concerned for their father’s health - and they feel guilty about it. They know he’s a terrible person. They don’t respect him. They don’t like him. But he’s their father and they’ll always love him. That’s a really hard thing to wrap your head around - I know from experience. This scene portrayed that effectively and accurately. Mad props guys.

12:45 - Even if this whole hallucination is a fake - it’s really upsetting to see how easily Martin could transform between monster and good, kind, loving husband. It’s so messed up.

13:05 - I love that JT, Edrisa, and Malcolm walking in together implies that they rode in the same cop car. I can just imagine Edrisa and Malcolm nerding out while big brother JT drives in exasperation.

13:50 - Dude. Malcolm is definitely projecting here. “Struggle making relationships in the real world” Yikes. The team sees it too - they look concerned.

14:14 - Edrisa’s excitement at being included in the part of the investigation that doesn’t involve dead bodies is so freaking precious.

14:25 - Yo. Malcolm is on the verge of a panic attack. I do not like this.

15:11 - “Your Mom is the one who stabbed him.” - Malcolm looks like he’s going to cry as soon as Dani says that line and my heart breaks.

15:35 - I love this. Malcolm looks so concerned and sad for Dani when she tells him about her Dad. Dani really trusts Malcolm enough to tell him that. Dani looks like she’s going to cry here - which just about kills me. I know they’re fighting here - but this is a really important moment in their friendship. Conflict is a part of life and they’re reacting to it like mature adults.....also I would now like more info about Dani’s family. Is her mom alive? How’s their relationship? Does she have siblings?

16:15 - OMG. Can someone please get Malcolm out of this building? He is not looking good. This is maybe the worst place for him to be right now.

17:08 - Dani is a hero. She’s pissed at Malcolm right now but she still comes out of the woodwork to rescue Malcolm from his emotional turmoil.

17:41 - Tilda insinuating that Malcolm is damaged is so out of line. He’s a stranger to her. Dani looks so taken aback and pissed at Tilda here. Malcolm looks ashamed and sad - as though Tilda is already confirming his thoughts about himself.

19:07 - How does Ainsley know how to contact Sterling? She was 5 when he was her father’s attorney? ....never mind let’s just assume she did some investigating as usual.

19:16 - “Quiet for a moment while I focus on my traitorous offspring.” hahaha OMG. Comedic gold. Jessica is straight up vicious and I love it.

19:20 - This conversation between Jessica and Sterling is kind of amazing. She’s right - this dude sucks. He got a serial killer off of death row and actually got him a super cushy life. I’m sure he didn’t intend to have Martin continue to make Jessica’s life hell - but he has and that’s partially Sterling’s fault. What annoys me the most about Sterling - is that he doesn’t even look sorry about what Jessica has been through. He’s a total snake. He’s involved with Endicott somehow. Mark my words.

20:24 - He’s a really good manipulator. Look at how he almost has Jessica convinced. Ugh. Gross.

21:40 - Gil is done. You can tell that he’s alarmed and concerned bu he’s like “OMG. I have two idiots. Why did I keep the two idiots with me? I could’ve sent one of them with JT and Dani.” Malcolm looks alarmed too. I wonder if Malcolm is realizing that this is how other people feel when he does stupid, reckless stuff without thinking. Malcolm also looks just a tiny bit amused that Gil is mad at someone who isn’t him. As someone with a brother let me tell you when Mom/Dad are mad at the other sibling for once - it’s a good feeling.

22:16 - Poor Edrisa. This girl has some non-sexual performance anxiety issues. I can relate. It’s crippling.

22:35 - Awww...Malcolm is such an idiot. He’s an idiot with a good heart but he’s an idiot. Look at how pissed he is with himself when he realizes his words came out wrong. Gil looks pissed at Malcolm too. Poor Edrisa looks hurt by it. :(

23:13 - I love how Gil is so panicked that he empties the mini-bar. Look how much booze he brings. hahaha

24:00 - OMG. Gil looks like he wants to hug Edrisa as her shaky hand removes the booze from her mouth. <3

24:15 - Gil and Dani’s conversation about Malcolm is really sweet. They know that they’re the two people (besides Ainsley and Jessica) who are closest to him. They’re so worried about him. And can we all just take a moment to revel in the gorgeously delivered line “Dani. Keep an eye on our boy.” Ugh. I have so many feelings.

26:30 - So does this mean Martin feels guilty about the crimes he committed? I thought psychopaths couldn’t feel guilt?

27:07 - OMG OMG OMG. I HAVE A THEORY. What if (in this hallucination) Sophie is a placeholder for Endicott? I mean - what if Martin’s subconscious is afraid of Endicott but, since Endicott and Sophie are linked in his mind, his subconscious is showing him Sophie? What if Martin is really afraid that Endicott is going to kill Malcolm, Jessica, and Ainsley? The way Sophie is talking here “I’m coming for your family.”/”Your boy dies first.”/ “You know exactly who I am Martin. I’m a very real person” it feels like Endicott is tied up in this. What if Endicott was Martin’s partner and he betrayed Martin?!?

27:55 - Gil is super concerned about Malcolm here (which is normal for him and totally makes sense in the given circumstances). BUT you can also see that Gil is really struggling with Martin in the hospital too. Martin tried to kill Gil. Gil has watched Martin manipulate and traumatize his children and ex-wife for the past 20 years. Gil hates Martin. Gil also hates watching Malcolm suffer. Gil is torn about how to feel regarding Martin’s current condition.

28:40 - This is such a great moment. It sheds some light on the very real, complicated relationship that Ainsley and Malcolm have with Martin. Yes - Martin is a super scummy person. Yes - they don’t respect him, like him, or support his past decisions. However, he’s still their father. Part of Ainsley and Malcolm will always love him because of that bond. As much as they hate him - they also love him.

29:15 - This is a super sweet mother/daughter moment. I wish Jessica were this good a mother to Ainsley all the time.

30:13 - Anyone else concerned with how openly Ainsley is admitting to being purposely manipulative?

30:33 - Why is Malcolm in the interrogation room with Gil and Tilda? IDC. It’s a cool dynamic.

30:50 - “Freeze their relationship like it once was.” ....oh boy. Malcolm you are projecting. Does this mean Malcolm wants to go back to before he stabbed Martin? OR wayyyy back to before he turned Martin into the police? The latter is hella concerning.

31:15 - “It’s not worth your life.” Dang. Now Gil and Malcolm are having a secondary conversation in front of Tilda. This is great! Gil basically just told Malcolm that he knows Malcolm and Jessica are lying to him. He just told Malcolm that this mistake isn’t worth his life. This is perfect. I’m in love.

31:45 - Malcolm looks deeply grossed out at the mention of the necrophilia. This is good for his mental health. BUT he was so stoked about it earlier? I guess he finds the idea of it really interesting but the reality of it super nasty?

32:44 - AGAIN. Props to Malcolm for being a mature adult. He goes out of his way to call Edrisa and apologize. He knows he screwed up and he’s taking responsibility. Why can’t all humans do this?!?

32:50 - I love how obviously Dani is hovering so she can listen to Malcolm’s conversation. She’s super concerned and it’s precious.

33:05 - Look at how sad Malcolm looks when he’s talking to Edrisa. He’s concerned about Edrisa’s lack of confidence and the fact that she isn’t interacting with him as usual.

33:20 - hahaha I love how the thing that Dani pulls from Malcolm’s list of things wrong with Edrisa is the fact that Edrisa didn’t want to talk to him.

33:35 - Ugh. I hate Eve. She’s such a double-crossing b**ch. However, I will admit that I’m happy that Jessica finally has a friend. I just wish she could find a less shady friend.

34:45 - deep down?!? DeEp dOwN?!? Girl! Malcolm is a good dude. He has trauma and he’s a little weird but he’s such a good dude......just more reason for me to hate Eve.

35:00 - Look at how relieved Jessica is. This isn’t relief because she’s secured a lawyer. This is relief that her only friend isn’t going to abandon her like everyone abandoned her after Martin’s arrest.

35:21 - Well. At least he called for backup. Baby steps.

36:36 - Awww... Edrisa is being so brave. I am so proud. I’m also super proud of her for very subtly continuing her fight with Bright. Malcolm looks so sad btw. He knows he messed up.

37:50 - Malcolm is projecting again. He’s also showing visible signs of having sympathy for a killer (as usual).

38:50 - So does this mean that Malcolm is going to tell Gil the truth? That’s what his projecting sounds like.

39:22 - Awww...Edrisa is so proud of herself and JT giving her a compliment is so sweet. Especially since he usually has no patience for Edrisa’s antics.

40:15 - “You’re the one I like talking to.” ahhhhh my Brightwell heart is soaring. Look at how vulnerable both of their faces are. They are so happy to have each other as friends. They’re learning to trust each other and I love it. Malcolm apologies for being a jerk to her too - I’m telling you : This. Is. A. Responsible. Adult.

41:01 - Ten year old Malcolm’s room is cute. You can tell that he wasn’t a typical little boy who loved sports. He has a globe and pictures of animals on the walls. He has a model of a castle. This little boy is a tiny, nerd. He’s curious and bookish.

41:35 - So this means that Martin was abused by his father right? Am I supposed to have sympathy for him - because while I despise child abusers and abuse in general, Martin killed people. I feel bad for the little boy Martin used to be who was abused. I don’t feel bad for the monster he became.

42:45 - “I’m always in control” So...if Sophie is really Martin’s subconscious’ projection of Endicott does that mean that Martin is the one in control of that relationship?

Thanks for hanging out!

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hopeishappinessff · 6 years

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Chapter 64

**A/N: I’m not a fan of this chapter... just thought ya’ll should know that. But, enjoy!**

He explained everything to me. Everything that I wasn’t sure about and even everything that I was already well aware of… he clarified it all and I was extremely thankful for that. There was a story behind this story, is what he told me… and it was more complicated than I could have ever imagined. It all started with his childhood, more specifically with his father, Clinton… the man that he absolutely loathed more than any one thing or person in this world. The man who abused his mother, attempted to abuse his one and only son, and even went as far as attempting to molest him. And that man harbored a secret that no one knew of and no one would have even guessed existed. He put on a façade for them… an act to prove that he was a feared man. He portrayed himself to be a man who allowed no one and nothing to stop him from getting what and where he wanted. Apparently, he wanted it all and he painted a picture of his perfect life that excluded one of his families… the family that included a son who struggled through life and barely made it to the age of nineteen with only the divine strength of his mother. Clinton was a selfish bastard, Chris explained, and it was surprising that he even took time from his precious schedule to care for at least one of his offspring… Trey. Trey was the son that existed about a year before Chris was even conceived. He was the son that Clinton consciously chose to bond with more than he ever would with little ole’ Chris. Because of his blatant love for one son and not the other, Clinton quickly began to neglect Chris’s entire existence and his boyhood. He would come in late in the evenings, wreak havoc on the Brown household then make his way back to his beloved family on the other side of town. Ms. Joyce was well aware of his doing’s… she’d put two and two together and figured out that he was living an entirely different life outside of their home. She stayed complacent in that relationship though. She knew better than to act on her emotions after the discovery of his infidelities and feared triggering his deadly alter ego, Eze. As horrid as it sounds, I didn’t blame her for unwillingly allowing the abuse to continue… she did what she felt best to keep her kids protected and at that time, that was perhaps the smartest thing she could have done. She knew if she would have left abruptly and without a plan, Eze would have hunted her down and done more damage than just the abuse she endured behind the closed doors of their home. I asked Chris why he thought his dad resented him so much and he said it was simple… Eze couldn’t cope with the fact that at the tender age of eleven, Chris used the intelligence that he was blessed with to turn down the opportunity to become a pawn in his game. Sure, he was obviously young and naive at the time, but if he didn’t know anything else he knew that daddy’s job required scary weapons, lots of blood, drugs, and death and that all terrified him. When he denied his dad’s offer, Eze became infuriated by the thought of his own son ‘disrespecting his command.’ And that was the night, Chris explained, that his dad got extremely inebriated and nearly took his innocence while they were alone in the house together. He never told me exactly how he managed to get himself out of that situation and I didn’t push for him to elaborate… I figured it was a sensitive topic for him and I didn’t want to pressure him into divulging more details than necessary. He said that once Ms. Joyce uprooted them from Tappahannock and moved them all to Richmond, he was left tainted with the memories from his hometown. I’d always wondered why the very first time I met him, he seemed so… weird. He was far from a typical nine-year-old boy in my eyes and that was all thanks to what they’d left behind in Tappahannock. It didn’t even feel like we’d been lying in my hospital bed for more than three hours, but we’d done just that and I was quite surprised none of the nurses came in to remind Chris that visitors hours were over. He was currently laid up under me, revealing some of his deepest memories just to satisfy my curiosity. I told him that he didn’t have to bring up anymore of those painful topics, but he insisted he was tired of keeping the truth from me and that I needed to know everything there was to know about him… whether it hurt him to tell me or not. “I never thought that nigga would show face again and I was completely content with that,” He explained, “I ain’t want him around my mama or my sister, so when he decided to commit all his fucking time to that bitch ass nigga Trey and his mom, I really couldn’t have been happier. Then one day, he randomly popped the fuck up in my life. He somehow managed to get ahold of my contact information and he called me, asking if I was ready to commit to the life I was destined to live. I told him to fuck off, but I never told him that I was already knee deep in it… doing shit my way without his guidance. I mean, he was never there for me… ever. I knew what he wanted more than anything was the bank I was bringing in.” “I’d made a name for myself at a young age. I was the up and coming young’in in the game and I knew what the fuck I was doing and I was doing it all on my own. I was most notorious for my temper and everybody in the city knew not to fuck with me ‘cause I ain’t tolerate shit, even at the age of sixteen. I kept my shit in order, I was never big headed about it and I always took my job very serious. I guess Eze realized Trey wasn't making moves as quick as me and that’s why he showed up smack in the middle of my prime.” “So, the day he popped up at mama’s house, I was beyond fucking furious. He’d already tried to get at me the night we went out for New Year’s Eve, but I wasn’t having it then and I let him know quick that he needed to back the fuck off and leave me to mines. He wouldn’t listen though… the nigga was adamant as fuck. He wanted an in with me and that was that. He got bold then and that’s why I was so pissed that day. I specifically told him to stay the fuck away from my family and to have him defy me as a man and step foot on my mother’s property… that was disrespectful beyond reason.” “After that day, I guess Eze has just had it out for me. He couldn’t cope with the fact that his youngest son was living a life he could only dream of and because I’d gained so much more respect from some of the most notorious niggas out here, oh… Eze wasn’t having that. Now, I’m not tryna jump the gun here, but I’m almost positive that old ass nigga and his dumb ass son had a whole lot to do with my accident. They knew if they could take me out, they could claim my territory and they would be set.” Closing my eyes and resting the palm of my right hand against his chest, I noted that the pace of his heartbeat was much quicker than usual. I rubbed my hand in a circular motion against his chest to soothe him and tilted my head back, opening my eyes to look up at him. “Chris,” I whispered, prompting him to snap out of his sudden daze and glance down at me, “Can I ask you something?” “Anything babe.” He murmured. “Kin… where did that come from?” With a sigh, he slithered the hand he had resting against my side down and clutched tightly at my waist “It came about because of my temper. When I was like fourteen or fifteen, this black ass African guy I was working for at the time told me I was the fiercest seller he’d ever had. I remember him having a strong ass accent and he told me he was from Durban, South Africa. He said that in the part of the country he was from, the men were all known to be strong and brave warriors who feared no one and nothing, so that’s where Akin, or Kin, came from. It means warrior, hero, brave man… everything that he said I was.” I snuggled my face as close to his hardened chest as I could and smiled… whoever that man was, he was definitely a smart man. Chris was every bit of the warrior that man said he was, plus more. Besides his charm, personality, and handsomely good looks… his protective and masculine nature was what drew me to him. He was such a strong young man who took nothing from no one and always knew what he wanted and exactly how to get it. I honestly believed Chris and I were the epitome of ‘opposites attract.’. He’d always been such a tough guy, never afraid to face whatever daunting tasks were thrown at him no matter how difficult, and he was always willing to do whatever it took to get to the top. I, on the other hand, was a timid and reserved girl throughout my childhood and early teenage years. I was always so afraid to live life to the fullest like Chris and I never really held myself to high standards. I’d always been calm by nature, while Chris was like a raging tornado… he was a bottle of anger who, when triggered just the right way, could easily be your worst nightmare. So many people have told me that I seem to be the only person who has the ability to gain any sort of control over Chris when his temper flares, but I would always relate it back to our contradicting attitudes… if you take a person who’s as bold, angry, and tough as Chris and mesh them together with someone as quiet, reserved, and gentle as I… the outcome is exactly what Chris and I have created. I’ve come to realize that we have a love-hate relationship. Some days, I will honestly despise the very ground that he walks on, but at the end of the day I still, and will always, love him unconditionally. With a sudden thought flashing through my mind, my face immediately contorted into a frown and I pushed away from Chris’s chest, groaning softly as I did. He turned his head to look at me and before he could reach out and stop me from moving away from him, I gripped the side rail of my bed and maneuvered myself into a comfortable upright position on my knees beside him. Licking my dry lips and tilting my head to one side, I stared at him with a frown that only continued to deepen the longer I stared “I want you to be honest…” “About what?” He asked as he too sat up in an upright position. “All the stuff Trey said… about you not loving me or caring about me… is it true?” I asked calmly, though my heart raced a mile a minute. He almost immediately froze in place and stared at me, which worried me because I hadn’t expected him to react that way. He sighed deeply and dropped his head with a chuckle, running a hand over his tired face “No, it’s not true. Nothing he said was true… never has been and never will be. Lemme explain something to you…” He said, leaning forward with his feet flat against the surface of the bed and his knees bent, allowing his elbows to rest against them “I love you Sy’Diyah… more than life itself. Before you, I’m confident I ain’t know nothing about love. It goes so deep with you that I almost don’t know how I was surviving before I met you. It’s hard to explain… and it don’t really even make much sense, but I just know I can’t live without you. I know I can’t. That nigga Trey may have been interested in you, liked you, whatever… but from the moment I met you, it’s like you were it and I knew you were it. Almost like how those wolves found love in that Twilight movie. I felt like I imprinted on you and I just can’t be with anyone else. Like I told you before, even when you weren’t mine… you were mine and I wasn’t gonna let anyone else have you.” “But why would he say all those things Chris? Why would he lie about something like that?” I could feel my throat and chest tightening and I knew it was only a matter of time before the waterworks began. “Because he knew that this was exactly what would happen… you would doubt me. He found some type of twisted humor in coming between me and you because he knew you meant the world to me. Everything he said to you was like a last-ditch effort to keep you away from me. I had already made it loud and clear who you were and how much you meant to me… I even made it clear to Gabby.” I shut my eyes for a moment and released a deep sigh. Though he’d explained to me before that he’d made it known to Gabby how he felt about me, it was still weird to hear. “Listen Hope,” He started, swiping his tongue out over his plump pink lips as his eyes penetrated me, “I know we young and I know there are people who think we just naive and caught up in some type of puppy love and we just lusting over each other. People think we don’t know what love is and that we just infatuated with the thought of a relationship or whatever. But if I don’t know nothing else, I know how I feel about you. I knew from the moment I met you and I know right now, in this very moment, that I love you and care about you more than the air that I breathe. I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my life… ever. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on you that you were gonna be mine, no questions asked.” My focus remained on my twiddling thumbs as he professed his feelings for me and I couldn't control the smirk itching at my lips. Eventually I raised my gaze to meet his hazel eyed one in and I giggled softly. “You were just that confident that I would want to be with you, huh?” I muttered. He nodded quickly and returned the smile “Yep. I knew from the moment you damn near tripped over the steps on your aunt’s porch the very first time we met, when you caught me staring at you.” I couldn’t help but full out laugh as I thought back to the day we first met and the moment that I had indeed nearly fell flat on my face trying to stare right back at his handsome little face. “But what I’m tryna say is, all that shit that nigga was talking… the bullshit lies he was throwing at you about me not caring about you… that was all his last attempt to salvage anything with you.” He explained with a sudden stone expression. “His last attempt?” I repeated, searching for clarification. He cast his gaze off past my head and nodded with that same hard expression “Yeah… that jealous muhfucka almost took me out, but what shocked me was when I realized the bullet that hit me wasn’t even his. I almost went down without looking up to see who fired off at me, but I caught a glimpse… and it was Eze.” I held my breath and stared at him, waiting patiently for him to continue “I don’t know where he came from or how he even knew we were there, but he showed up and he was the last person I saw before I completely blacked out. I remember seeing him standing back behind Daynah in the shadows, but for some reason I guess I just thought I was imagining shit and didn’t even bother moving out the way when he raised his gun to me,” He paused for a moment and shook his head at the memory, “I was wearing my vest though, so I wasn’t concerned with him shooting me. He wasn’t aiming at me though… I swear it didn’t look like it. That nigga Trey was over by you and Jaylen ‘cause he tried to hop out the way after the shot was fired. The only thing I remember after that was everything going black, but I remember that I could still hear. I heard another gunshot, loud and clear… then a body hit the floor. When I finally opened my eyes, Trey was down and he wasn’t moving.” My gaze remained locked on my hands… I was too shocked to say anything. Chris didn’t bother to finish that half of the story and I didn’t wanna just assume he was saying that Eze shot Trey, but there was no other way around it and I didn't want to push him to tell me. “But all that don’t even matter though. Wherever he is, dead, paralyzed, whatever… he’s not gonna fuck with you anymore, okay.” He assured me. I nodded as I took in the confidence lacing his words and crawled back over to him. He still had his feet planted flat on the surface of the bed with his legs parted, so I took the opportunity to move his arms away from his knees and I climbed right between his legs. I could see him smirking down at me as I gently pressed a hand against his chest, forcing him to lay back against the pillows so I could cuddle against him. “And last but not least… please, please, please for the love of me… do not ever break up with me, whether it be because somebody threatened you to do it or just because you want to… just don’t. You would never understand what it felt like the day you walked in my house, told me that it was over, then walked out. You left with my heart in the palm of your hand that day and my soul floated right out the door behind you. I’ve never felt that type of pain in my life and I never, ever wanna feel it again.” He muttered as he slipped a hand through my wild hair and caressed my scalp. I smiled, snuggling my face as close as I could to his chest and tucked my hands beneath his shirt, resting them against his warm skin. “I’m sorry,” I whispered as I massaged the tips of my fingers into his sides, “I didn’t mean to hurt you like that.” I could feel him puffing his chest out, pushing me forward a bit to get my attention. I tilted my head back and peered up at him as he gazed down at me lovingly “You know what I would call us?” He continued to ease his fingers through my hair and I stared up at his perfectly chiseled face as I awaited his next statement “The black Romeo and Juliet. Only we gotta worry about everyone but our families tryna break us up.” I stared at the handsome smirk on his face for a while then burst into a fit of giggles. I continued to laugh as I readjusted myself so that I was on my side, still lying on his chest with one hand beneath his shirt clutching at his side and the other directly over his heart. “Well I love you, my Romeo.” I said. He chuckled softly and leaned forward to press his lips against my forehead “I love you too, Juliet.”

#chrisbrown #chrisbrownff #chrisbrownfanfic #jasminesanders #chrisbrownfanfiction #jasminesandersff #teambreezy #teambreezyff #fanfiction #fanfic

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luisneer · 6 years

Text

selected tweets 2016-17

These are tweets from my first @luisneer twitter account. Recently I made a new twitter account with the same username, after having deleted my account and having been without twitter for several months. These tweets are from August 2016 to March 2017, which was most of my first year of college at Shepherd University, in Shepherdstown, West Virginia. I don't go to Shepherd anymore; I transferred to West Virginia University, in Morgantown, WV, after my second semester. My tweets from late March 2017 to [July or August] 2017, when I deleted my twitter, were not archived.

I'm creating this blog post so the world will have access to some of my tweets from the deleted @luisneer, in case they have any merit as literature. I'm still not sure if I will continue to use twitter in 2018/the future. Usually when I use twitter I feel like I'm actually wanting to be doing something else, but I don't know what; or wanting to be using "another app" that doesn't exist. Twitter generally seems bad for me. Questions about my tweets August 2016-March 2017 can be directed at [email protected]. Thank you

2016

morgantown has ~48 vape shops

**morgantown has ~480 vape shops

siri has werner herzog-like inflections

considering changing outfits when i take several walks in one day (so nobody thinks im a serial killer, stalker, spy, alien)

think i remember ~5% of things i said today

imagined vague connection btwn 'vitamin d' and 'reptar'

felt distinctly that i was a monkey or chimpanzee while crouching in the corner of my dorm room eating peanuts out of a jar

just thought (as a request to my mom) 'fax me my skateboard...'

looked at toilet in bathroom stall with expression of 'utter terror' for what felt like ~15 seconds while it flushed

listening to bright eyes with headphones at house show

feel that the toothpaste i use is advancing decay of my teeth

feel 100% certain that i could train myself to use telepathy to operate my phone during classes

enjoying the sensation of my right leg 'falling asleep' during psychology class (left foot is also 'asleep')

felt 'sociopathic' after eye contact w library worker who watched me pick up & pocket a pair of apple headphones someone had left on a chair

left stolen apple headphones on gray bench across the street from my dorm

repeatedly placed/removed sunglasses while walking in hallway

strong desire to remove all positive patterns from my life and perpetuate/embrace all negative ones

feel that my laptop 'knows' which parts of its screen im looking at

in winchester, VA

thought of my own music as having 'no compelling audible elements'

thought of myself as being legally named 'the fuck up', then couldnt remember my actual name

successfully, i feel, duplicated 'sociopath facial expression' during eye contact with arch-nemesis in stairwell

ive taken 13800mg ibuprofen since i got to college

feel compelled to ask my 9 yr old brother for advice re 'college-level' personal issues

feel smart after sitting on couch in painting studio + reading art magazines for 2 hours

persistent notion that 100% of students at my college personally hate me

psychology professor muttered something like 'scary snake... endocrine system...'

feeling heavily drugged/sedated in psych class

psych professor seems obsessed with/terrified by snakes

imagined kanye smoking crystal meth and tweeting something like 'please help me... cant feel mouth... need help'

saw a moth at open mic, thought about god

experiencing difficulty trying to smile

enjoying using numerous cliches ('the case is closed', 'taking a step back', 'harsh realities') in an essay

intrigued by conversation i had 9 hrs ago w/ 2 boys who countered my tone (calm, eloquent) exactly by being loud and rude in a friendly way

felt simultaneously really cute and really lonely while giggling with my mouth closed in french class

imagined kanye inventing the word 'compactualize' and using it in a sentence during a televised interview

enjoyed 8-sentence john updike bio in norton lit anthology

perceived person standing outside bathroom stall occupied by me could 'sense', via something like echolocation, that i was/am depressed

spoke to french professor in what felt like a distinct persona/alternate luis neer called 'marge simpson voice' luis neer

feel confidently that the public debut of 'marge simpson voice' luis neer was a success

feel that 'marge simpson voice' luis neer is the culmination of an unconscious process that initiated in my mind maybe 3-5 years ago

i want to identify/analyze additional alternate luis neers

i dont like videos

i came to college and got weirder, better at writing, more arrogant, more defeated, more sensible

simultaneously feel that i should run 3 miles and that, at this moment, i would be incapable of running any distance

feel urged to draw new attention to my 'marge simpson voice' tweets

huge power outage at shepherd lol

realized theres no such thing as a 'nation'

remembered ive blown off obligations to several people, not just one person, so my irresponsibility doesnt 'have a focus', felt comforted

feel that my follower count is 'crystallized' / will never increase or decrease ever again

��struggled to convert 'stick-and-poke' to past tense during conversation in line at sheetz

feel it would be pleasurable to take a donut + bottle of coca-cola from this sheetz via armed robbery

crossed busy road, felt really surprised i didnt get hit by a car, also i wasnt wearing glasses, was walking to sheetz, bought an icee

laughed alone in my dorm thinking that i should print out a picture of barack obama to put on my wall

drank from separate glasses containing soymilk, coffee, iced coffee, apple juice, cranberry juice, water, sprite for dinner/breakfas

just thought 'from adorno to zizek' sans context while shitting

opened gmail, emailed my father, closed gmail, opened gmail again, viewed email to my father, forwarded it to myself

'camcorder' would be a good band name

i thought arnold palmer had already died

willem dafoe doesnt make me uncomfortable

i want to stop being mean

i hate bfs but i want to be someones bf

wishing i was in a car with friends and no cellular service

tangled up in myself and others

twin peaks is depicted as a small town but its population is greater than that of every city in west virginia including the state capital

eating shark

thought of my own intelligence as 'frightening'

thought while walking to class that ginger ale should be made public domain

had the stitches on my chin removed today, touched the scar tissue for the first time

i miss being in therapy

i love carpet

i love carpet !!

just thought about my own tweets and lol'd

mood lately very fragile

this is what i get for staying up til 5 am

all night i've felt a wave of dread swelling up, now it's really hitting me

sound of laughter in public still frightening + unnerving

my instinct for when to unfriend people on facebook has adapted so that i unfriend people over statuses that make me feel no emotions at all

fuck, im feeling so much terror

gucci mane was born 3 days before conor oberst

the other day i mentioned that i was a poet and this vape guy interrupted me to say "and you didnt know it" and i went fucking nuclear

interacted with mailman who was picking up mail as i was trying to mail chapbooks, he didnt notice at first that i was talking to him

what if old people have secrets

my dad is making me root for a football team but im in pain emotionally

i feel guilty in general

thought of my poem "portrait of a nation without any people" as the "lead single" for my full length; it appeared in potluck 14 months ago

im close friends with satan rn

feel like travis scott never intended for people to spell his name with a $

from now on every time i get honey on something ill list the thing in this thread

finger

desk

coffee cup exterior

pajama pants

knee

carpet

chin

phone

shirt

shoe

thought that my elderly geography prof. moves by "shuffling"

feeling shorter, broader

the only part of the new bright eyes box set i want is the booklet

is there a booklet? i know there are nvr b4 sn photos

the song "lime tree" came to conor oberst in a dream

i like citing things in MLA

i write essays by pretending im werner herzog

doesnt seem to be getting later

lit professor gave my project (sequence of 6 sonnets) a C, i wish she would have gotten me expelled, shelley + ginsberg both were expelled

heard someone in another room ask "where's wal-mart?" as if wal-mart were a person whose location could change

i think i just swallowed a filling while eating popcorn, i am very scared, please help

crazy how things get worse

there are people on my floor having tons of fun and im upset

bit my mattress while sitting in the chair next to my bed

weird that chance the rapper only has 2.4 million followers when he's sort of one of the most famous artists in the world rn

also weird that donald trump has made 34,000 tweets, seems like an incredibly large number

the strangeness of yesterday was, for me, augmented by people on the internet talking about a tv show that ive never seen or heard about

the sunlight is obscene

im so upset about the sun being so bright im afraid to go outside

im glad im the only poet who likes trailer park boys

i slept in a blanket fort under my bed and havent left it all day

yr = your ur = you're

my favorite things are pdfs

now that ive adapted my living space to allow me to never leave my blanket fort i feel like my roommate, omar, exists in a parallel universe

i hear him but i never see him

i love latte art, i drink many lattes

thought that twitter "isn't worth it" in an upset tone while drinking mtn dew

felt pleasant considering uniqueness of all parent-offspring relationships

went through my closet + made sure all shirts and jackets were zipped/buttoned

my blanket is generating flashes of light from static electricity

record store guy became visibly sick of me several months ago; feel a little guilty every time i enter his store to spend money

i prefer EPs

felt "out of control" walking downhill listening to dead kennedys with headphones

writing an essay is difficult because idk how much relevant information other people have already considered / moved on from

have been wanting to write at least one poem inside my blanket fort but i don't think it's going to happen, i don't know why

the internet isn't big enough

usually when i think "i dont understand the uproar about [event]" i realize there is no "uproar"

"uproar" is media's way of manipulating the public spotlight and distracting people from important tasks

feeling helpless + melancholy after dying 15 times and killing 2 stormtroopers in star wars battlefront

the only way to attain conor oberst-level emo hair is to lay in bed and sob for hours

i'm sad

my mom was confused when i told her my first book comes out today

was luis neer in odd future

thought "sometimes i just want to end it and start all over" in an exasperated tone re my goodreads account

becoming increasingly convinced it would be best for me personally to take myself extremely seriously/never joke about myself

thinking that my tweets would seem terrible if i were a senator/governor/other politician

imagined doomsday device for future @starwars movies: the "death train," a normal train that exists in space and destroys planets

how does anyone do it

in science fiction movies, spacecraft usually look like shopping malls

everyone in the world is high except me

feel like i want to have poems published immediately

having delusions of grandeur

im sitting on my record player

my most-used word in 2016 was "bleak"

prepared and ate garbanzo beans w a lot of rosemart at 2:00 AM

my brother has a friend over and is being mean to the friend

all i want for christmas is to never cheer up, ever

watching eyes wide shut and hugging duckuc

my nose feels like it's going to bleed

im sad because every bf looks like me

getting better at eating ice cream by punching it with my tongue

the internet is too freaky...

i think 2017 will be a year of realizing things

im watching the angry birds movie

the angry birds movie is so shitty... why was it made...

ive never had a new years kiss

2017

im weird

eating medicinal ice cream

im not going to do any drugs in 2017

made a medicinal phone call

i want to drink some blood

i dreamed that roger ebert wrote a negative review of life after ppl and called it "liner notes"

years dont kill people

feel inexplicably/explicably really scared about the future of my poetry career

i've felt stoned since i was a baby

downloading google earth

made eye contact in starbucks with possible luis neer incarnation from ~50 years in future; bon jovi "dead or alive" played through speakers

realised that at some point in the future i will become extremely interested in watching football

i recommend reading poems extremely slowly while touching the text with your middle finger/index finger

experiencing cognitive dissonance

used phonetic clues to correctly predict meaning of & use the word "tandem" while discoursing with myself internally

i miss steel pedal guitar sounds on conor oberst songs

my previous incarnation "college luis neer" has evolved to become "high school luis neer-like luis neer in college setting"

thought "man, i got to stop caring what people think about me" in an emphatic tone that seemed confusing/interesting

mediocore

beyonce is cool i think

i want to re-read "v for vendetta" and to not tweet about it

remembered that i own a pinata

i will be at awp

how could i make twitter a better place

i saw 4 people wearing yeezys in dc this weekend

feeling increasingly self-conscious about how much i use the phrase "in the world" or refer to "the world" in poems

felt robot-like while attaching detachable headphones cord to my headphones while wearing the headphones

watching shepherd univ lacrosse team practice from "safety of" student center

i invented releasing two chapbooks in one day

im dumber than me

reasoned mentally that im more likely to produce accurate drawings of myself because "i basically look like a bird, so i just draw a bird"

i want to have a "fake tweet" (e.g. a simple phrase) to tweet repeatedly every time i feel urged to tweet an uninformed/unimportant opinion

my fake tweet for the foreseeable future will be "i dropped my textbook in the stairwell". when i tweet this it means i have an opinion

i dropped my textbook in the stairwell

does anyone remember the chapter of "the hobbit" where bilbo avoids starvation by ingesting peanut butter, honey, cherry nyquil, and water

sensed that all my college friends just simultaneously shifted from having vague/non-serious negative feelings about me to hating me

resulting from continuous building of irrepressible/inevitable conjecture in the friends' conscious thoughts

eating chicken and squash

i click on 100% of poetry links tweeted by poets i follow

when i was writing Waves i was obsessed with waves (e.g. energy waves, frequencies) and used the word "waves" at least ~10 times every day

i dropped my textbook in the stairwell

white nike swooshes on shoes of boy in library look vibrant/magical

terrified of being cool

walked to library really slowly while listening to noise music through big headphones

i was really, really yung when i started publishing and i'm still really yung

2 chainz always looks like he's walking in an airport

i have 5 twitters

i didnt know what bill paxton looked like, i was thinking RIP gene hackman

why doesnt anyone blog about me

thesis statements arent real

thinking about my book

i deleted both my tumblrs by accident

sad about my tumblr

my name is all over the internet

im a lizard

someday there'll be no more ppl

a lot of conor oberst song titles have parentheses

feeling sad about the actions of my clone, who passed away

idk how to use venmo or what it is

present-day tumblr is like the end of the never ending story where atreyu is talking with the rock biter and the nothing is swirling around

when someone, anyone, is upset with me im afraid im going to be assassinated

the views-era apple music ads that depict drake working hard in the studio have really affected and inspired me

on tumblr i have 4 followers

almost all of my tweets seem unimportant

feel that if someone told me that one of my tweets made them upset i would just apologize and delete it

ground control to commander venus

i like my new tumblr

i would be wearing a cardigan rn but i dont have one

feel that i will continue to generate bright eyes-related content throughout my life

is everything ok

i look like michael moore

#words

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