#i loved this pilot so much but i have to cut myself off from hyperfixating

[kokoasci]

i just be drawing anything atp

[devil-on-acid]

The Heart of Eywa Pilot

Chapter 1

A/n: i could not stop myself from writing this. This is my first time writing fanfiction after reading them for years. I hope you guys enjoy it. fort the most part i wrote this to let my creativity out and to heal my post Avatar TWOW depression. Sorta warning i wrote half of this while under the influence and later on fixed the mistakes and some sentencing. Also note that English is not my first language so my vocabulary is not impressive. Please enjoy this first draft/pilot. Any feedback and comments are appreciated.

Genre: Thriller/Isekai/Fantasy/Sci-fi

No Pairings yet

Word count: 3,301

 _________

I know myself, i’m obsessive. I have hyperfixations. Hobbies and will do anything to make days go by faster. I am one of those people who are sometimes not aware of what is happening. My emotions not in tune with my body. My feelings are cut off from my responses, i am…..

i was never able to cry when i wanted to or when i needed it. Instead of feeling numb i went to feeling everything all at once. That is the only way i can describe it in short.

But if i am being true. This feeling i have is indescrible.

And all of this came from nothing but a single unrealistic wish i had while trying to fall asleep.

 ________________

Third pov

The year is 2023, slowly it’s getting colder at night but warmer at day. The freezing cold prickling at your skin and the wind sharp in your face. During the day it’s still cold but the sun comes out alot more. The enjoyable heat of the sun coming through the windows a start of a new day.

A girl no older then 17 is currently in her room weaving and braiding a band from string in a multitude of vibrant colours. Colors who are getting harder and harder to find in nature. As she is braiding we hear the background noise of music softly spilling into the room. The girl in question keeps her head down as she braids the strands delicately tot the beat of the music. The laptop it is playing from sitting far beside her on the desk facing the wall. Everytime she looks up she studies the massive collection of posters up on her wall. Posters of music she loves. Movies, series, artworks made by hand. The one in the middle had just been added to her wall. A poster of the movie Avatar the Way of Water. It’s blue color looking back at her. It has been a month ever since watching the new instalment and (y/n) felt nostalgic evertime she looks at it. the feeling of wanting to leave this place getting larger and larger she looks at that wall. she often imagine stepping up to it and would hope the wall could just swallow her up as if a portal had transformed it.

_________

(y/n) pov

It was a normal night of settling down for the night. Doing something else besides studying or working. Some time for myself to work on hobbies or anything that has gotten my interest lately. I often times like to stare at the wall in front of me. My huge collection feeling overwhelming and soothing at the same time. I tend to think about how many stories have actually been made in such a way as we make them now, we are al storytellers as humans i presume. The amount of fantasy needed for it is already impressive to begin with. I often get lost in the music of soundtracks playing in the background while i work. I always like fantasy, action, sci-fi and thriller. But my childhood favorite has always been Avatar (2009). It was the first sci-fi action movie i watched. But i found it a fantasy as well. The whole world so thought out a full book can be written about the Culture of the Na’vi and the beautiful Flora and Fauna of planet Pandora. If i’ll ever be able to make a wish it would bet to get transported there. Living the life of a free Na’vi. Exploring the forest of pandora, instead of living month after month in a little gray box. It feels so wrong to think we live like this, most of us. Not knowing what to do with our lives as so much is expected from us. The pressure building up and your body feeling more tired then ever. That feeling has been crawling in the back of my throat the older i got. The more responsibilities that i didn’t want the larger the hollow and empty feeling in my chest. Work, eat, go to sleep,  repeat the day. I am not the only one feeling like this. People around me have expressed the same feeling. And still i wonder how they manage to push trough as well as they do. It almost fills me with curiosity and jealousy.

Braiding away at the new necklace that i am making i start having this uneasy feeling. I try to ignore the feeling and try to concentrate on my work. Focusing on the beat of the background music coming from my laptop. But the more time past and the sun went under the bigger my paranoia became. The more i try to ignore everything around me the more blurry my vision got from starting at my hands. At some point i was ripped away from my dazed state only to get goosebumps all over the back of my neck and my arms. The laptop my music came from had stopped playing the music and instead an awfull buzzing sound came from it. like the electronics started to malfunction. panic seeps trough my skin as i start the hear the music again, but there was something wrong about it. it was slower and was playing backwards. Trying as fast as i could i turn off the laptop and sit back down. Trying to calm my breathing, slowing my heartbeat.

As my mind began to clear i was able to stand up again. ‘’its probably just something wrong with the laptop, its 10 years old anyways’’ ‘’nothing is going to hurt you, you are not in danger’’ ‘’you are savely in your house with all windows locked’’

With those thoughts all i was able to cal myself down, checking the time i noticed it was already 00:47 at night. Better to go sleep instead of staying awake much longer. I changed into my pyjamas, brushed my teeth and my hair and layed down in my bed. When i get scared or i feel like there is something wrong i always hide away in bed. Maybe even hide under the covers if i want to. It was a habit of my childhood that stuck with me even to now.

As i was laying in my bed trying to sleep i tried tot hink of the many possibilities of getting out of here. Wheter escaping from this house and moving to a place i felt happier or escaping this world completely, everything is possible in your dreams anyway so why not indulge in a fantasy for a few hours until you go back to your endless working cycle. The house was unusually quiet. My parents where both visiting my aunt abroad and my sibling has their own place 20 min away from here. The usual sounds of snoring from my father in the other room and the buzzing sounds of the washing machine weren’t here. It was deadquiet.

As i’m laying down trying to get comfortable i force my eyes to close, instead of staring at the ceiling. I try to make my mind go black and slow down my rapid thoughts. However one thought came to me that i was unable to get rid of no matter how hard i tried. The most unrealistic wish i ever made. Because it wasn’t real. But to be able to dream about it, to dream about Pandora is a privelege.

Before i know it i feel myself being pulled away by this reality and into the next. I let the serenitiy take over my mind and body and accept everything coming my way. the aches of my body dissapear, the stress in my shoulders lift up out of my body. This feeling, the feeling of flying, a dream i tend to have a great many of times washes over me like a wave of water. my mind at peace when i slip into unconciousnes.

I see a tunnel light up completely by white glowing vines. I am being pulled by my entire body through this tunnel at such a high speed i wanted to close my eyes from being blinded.

And then everything went black. It stayed like that for it felt like hours. Just staring at the blackness as peacefull bliss fills my body. Slowy i start to feel sensations again. I can feel my bare skin touching what felt like grass or moss. The cold breeze flowing over my skin, i can feel how humid and warm the air is. I try to hang on to what i feel. my ears start to pick up sounds one by one. The wind. The moving of plants all around me. The sounds of bugs, birds and other animals i can’t recognise filling my mind. Wanting to see my suroundings i try to move my body. Trying to twitch any muscle i can think of. My fingers, my toes, my face and my eyes. It felt like i was laying there for over 20 min before the sensation in my legs came back to me. My body waking up from my toes, up to my calves, to my stomach, my arms and upper body. When my back and neck where able to move. I take in the deepest breath i could, pulling in my stomach before letting go again.

The air was so fresh i enjoyed every second of it. being completely awake now i open my eyes too fast and got blinded by the sun. Wait…..the sun. I tried to pry my eyes open again blinking a few times to sharped my vision. The first thing i saw where the enormus trees towering over me. Looking down from it i was overwhelmed by beauty all around me. The grass and moss on the ground was greener then i’ve ver seen in real life, the ferns and flowers all looked to be tropical species i had never seen before.

It took a bit before my mind caught up to me. ‘’i must still be asleep.’’  I kept repeating that to myself as much as possible ‘’you’re asleep, you’re alseep, you’re asleep. No one can hurt you in your own dream’’ but as much as i was trying to convince myself it didn’t feel like i was telling myself the truth. This, wherever i was looks and feels way to real for it to be a dream.

Last option. Pinch or hurt myself into waking up. I pinch myself on my arm, doesn’t work, i scratch myself on my wrist, i’m not waking up. But now i look at my hands in shock and wonder. Five fingers on each hand. My skin is a beautiful Azure blue colour with darker stripes in patterns along my body. Softly glowing freckles on my hands up onto my arms and down my stomach and legs.  I put my hands up to feel my face, it felt the same as it did before i went to sleep, but my ears are higher onto my head. I am able to twich and move them, picking up even the slightest of sounds with them. I pull my hands behind me and feel the back of my head. A long braid from the center of my head goes all the way down over my back towards the ground. As i looks behind me my new tail is swishing back and forth on the ground. And i come to the realisation that this can’t be a dream. This is way too real. Wheter it is a dream or not i am unable to wake up.

 My wish, my unrealistic ‘’i want to go to sleep’’ wish came true.

‘’i’m on Pandora’’

 ‘’WAIT….what the…’’ i shoudered in a shaky breath by what was coming over me, my mind was having a hard time believing what i was saying out loud. This is impossible.

‘’i’m on Pandora, and i’m na’vi’’

With my new eyes i scanned and observed my sourroundings. I was amazed at how much i see. Every tree, strongly rooted into the ground. So many type of plants, flowers and moss around me. Never had i seen a forest like this one. Not even in the pictures of the earth i saw online. Or the footage i saw in documentaries.

I try to move my legs and sit up properly to stand up. As i try to stand up with difficulty i have to grab onto the tree nearest to me. I stand there a bit letting the dissiness fade away and test my legs. Slowly walking a circle to see where i am or rather where to go. I try to think about the possibilities that i have. I have no idea in what year i got into here on Pandora but that would be difficult to find out without anything that doesn’t involve  technology or the humans. Do the Na’vi even count the years ? or the months ?. i don’t think so. I’m not even sure how that would go.

The best options i have on foot is see if i can recognise anything, a scene from the movies, or a sign of life. Hoping i won’t run into any dangerous animals i choose a direction and started walking. Feeling every leave and fern i touch. The green moss feeling soft to walk on. The more and more i walked the more types of bugs and small animals i encounter. I can hear prolemuris swinging above me from tree to tree. Sometimes seeing Arachnoids crawling upon the trees. My mind started to wonder, if i truly am here, where are the others currently ?, are they already gone, or do they still reside in Hometree. Is Jake already on Pandora as well ? or has he been here for years already. All of these questions can decide my fate. I don’t know where i’m walking to, but the most likely thing to happen is getting killed by an animal or being found by a clan and being killed for being a Dreamwalker. That name really does fit me in this case. I’m essentially walking in a dream.

The it wasn’t that much light left anymore in the forest. Soon the sun will dissapear during eclipse. But i am too distracted by the world around me. Around me i find more and more shimmyflies soflty fluttering from one plant to the next. I was hypnotized by it’s eight iridescent wings and delicate build. Trying to touch one was difficult. They looked almost too fragile to even touch anything they come in contact with. Like the thinnest ice melting away after a single touch.

I mindlesly follow the insect like creatures flying all in the same direction. Some of them flying up into the trees. Other left behind to go someplace else. It wasn’t long till i realised the sun had completely dissapeared. I was in a rather dark spot still following the shimmyfly. I looked at my feet with each step. The ground of moss on the floor reacting to my steps with it’s bioluminecent light. creating a path of my footsteps that fades away withing seconds. I start feeling like the sounds around me go in sync. Each small droplet of water, each insect, each call and chirp from the animals mixed together. Like music to my ears. i’m getting more and more lost from where i’m going, but it didn’t matter. I was so calm and at peace here. I could feel my skin tinteling as if pain doesn’t exist. The more i listened the more it almost felt like i was hearing actual music was playing around me. It felt like i wasn’t alone. As if there was a comforting presence of something or someone all around me. It made the drifting feel slower then it actually was. But it still then felt like i was watching the biolouminescence of the forest for hours. Sometimes just trying to spot more small insects. Other times touching plants to see their reaction in colour.

But unbeknowns to me, it actually was hours that i was walking. My body starting to feel faint from being so tired. I tried to still figure out a new direction to follow, i can’t remember which direction i came from. Taking another few steps i start hearing the dripping sound of water.

‘’That must be a river’’ i was getting thirsty from the warm humid air. Putting a faster pace on my walking i follow the sounds of the river water the best i could.

___________

Third pov

Walking through the forest you want to make your presence almost invisible. the forest of pandora holds many dangers. You need to be alert, silent, and quick. That is what a hunter was doing at that very moment. Hiding in the trees looking for any smell, sound, or track from an animal to hunt.

Being in there for more then an hour the hunter went back and forth looking for any clue of animals passing through the area. What he didn’t expect however where the presence of a great amount of shimmyflies around. Shimmyflies where difficult to find this deep in the forest. It wasn’t till long that he realised there was something wrong, something or someone was there that was unfamiliar. A scent he did not recognise as any animal he knew of.

Going further into the new direction he chose. Not wanting to be spotted he climbed into the trees so he could see from above. Watching carefully at any change or sign of life. A little further away he stopped abruptly. Right down on the ground further away he saw a person walking slowly the opposite direction, right towards the river. The person now identified as a young girl was dressed in peculiar clothing, clothing not completely the same as the Sky People. But still a red flag to look out for. The girl was dressed in just a thin dress. Carrying no weapons as far as the eyes could see.

This could mean only one thing, a sky demon invading into their land. No matter how outnumbered the demon was it was still a cause of concern in the mind of the na’vi hunter. As quiet as he could go he ran to his ikran in a hurry, making Tsaheylu and flying back to the village. He knew where the sky demon was headed and he wasn’t far from the village, if he was fast enough he could warn the other warriors and the Olo'eyktan about this and they would be back before she drifted to far from this part of the forest.

after the war with the Sky people years ago, they sended them all back to their own planet, the dying planet they destroyed for their own greed.

Only a few where chosen to stay, scientists loyal to the protection of pandora and it’s natives. Loyal to the omaticaya. But out of those humans none of the avatar drivers have been young females, only adults known by the clan and recognisable to them. Even then they never venture this far from Hells gate and not on their own.

These thoughts worried the warrior fearing the worst. Flying at a faster pace trying to reach his destination. Looking down the area one last time remembering the way back, it was a completely dark spot. The bioluminescence gone from the area where he just ventured. Completely dark against the night sky protecting a certain Na’vi girl from the aerial hunters.

__

Meanwhile the girl was still drifting, unaware that she was being watched. Shock settling into her body as she was still accepting and processing what happend to her. All that matters now is staying alive long enough to find the only people she might know, the Omaticaya.

[uupdirector]

HAPPY 7TH ANNIVERSARY TO THE TORMENTED!!

Hard to believe it's been this long since the original video came out in 2017 - a lot has changed in my workflow and creative process, some for the better, and some for the... ehhhh- strugglesome stuff, to say the least. I might not look back onto the original series with as much fondness as I would have back then, given the amount of influence my hyperfixations had on shifting the story in a completely different direction that I wasn't too fond of later on, but had it not been for the passion I had to not only start it, but expand upon it in ways I wouldn't have imagined back then, I wouldn't have learned a ton of skills that would help me improve on projects like it moving forward.

Sometimes thinking big doesn't always mean making something good though, and I recognize that some of the directions I was taking this series was anything but clear cut and focused, but it was the first time I had tried anything like it, and it never works out perfectly the first time anyway... or at all actually, my perfectionism basically stemmed from this series as I tried everything to stray away from what was common and have people step out of their comfort zone. I believe I succeeded on that front, it's just laying out too many projects and failing to keep many of them going where I wasn't too successful lmao.

But as I said, a lot has changed, and with ReFreshed having been in the works since the start of 2024, I've been trying to figure out the right kind of mindset to enjoy working on stuff like this again. While I haven't found anything that clicks on every front, I can safely say that I've reached a point where it's not only easier for me to jump back in when I'm feeling creative or productive, but also allows for me to take care of myself again when needed in between all of that. I can actually look back at what I've been working on with a sense of excitement and satisfaction that I was able to pull it off, and any free time I spend afterwards feels like I deserved it. Games are becoming more fun to play again, I'm realizing the importance in keeping up with actual priorities, I'm finding myself adapting to a new sleep schedule, and through all of that, things are slowly but surely becoming comfortable again. I feel content where I am, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna stop moving forward.

Anyway - with all that out of the way, it's worth noting (again lol) that the 7th Anniversary gift will be premiering at 1:15PM EST. While I wouldn't get your hopes up or expect any more details on the Pilot Episode (formerly Episode 1*), there is one thing it will unveil; the release window. With the workflow I've been going at, I've made enough progress to say that I'm comfortable sharing when it will be ready, and I'm more confident that this thing will be done in the window I've set for it. Of course, there's always room for delays, so again - don't get your hopes up, I can be unpredictable at times lmao.

*TL;DR - ideas have been piling up and I'm not sure what other direction to take it, so I'm treating it as a Pilot - like the original Tormented, and playing things by ear, that way I don't stress myself too much before it's even started. Just figured I'd point that out.

But with all that said - thank you all so much for your support over the years. I'm looking forward to showing you all what I've been cooking up, and I hope you're all just as excited to join me for it! Much love, folks! 💙

[greenorangevioletgrass]

God, I know nothing about music references and all of that but Classified gotta be one of the best things I’ve read recently, dear god that was just too good and I am SO FREAKING GLAD to see you are doing more for them 💜

So I will put myself out here fully believing lots of other people have already asked for this prompt but Elton John - Take Me To The Pilot sounds amazing! Thank you and you are amazing ✨🥰

Ahhh thank you so much! I’m glad that y’all are down for more so im not alone in this hyperfixation echo chamber 🤣 and don’t worry about it! I love this song and i was hoping someone would send it in! This is actually a cut scene from Classified pt. 2. Hope you enjoy it!

Warnings: gratuitous piano bar scene, mentions of sex, tensions galore, fanboy is perceptive and oblivious at the same time lol

That night, the production is holding a get-together at the Hard Deck —a last hurrah for the crew and the local naval support before the shoot moves to Whidbey Island. And as you walk through the threshold, you hear a bluesy piano being played among the chatters and the clinks of beer bottles and clacks of a game of pool.

You don’t recognize the song —it might just be any random riff—, but you would recognize the Hawaiian shirt on his back, the way his muscles ripple underneath the fabric. The way his fingers dance on the black and white keys. And as you finally see his profile, the sunglasses perched dangerously, comically low on his nose.

“Fancy seeing you here.” You come up and rest your arm on the top of the upright piano.

Rooster smiles before he even looks up at you —and no, it doesn’t give you butterflies. “I could say the same about you.”

“Nah, I think you’re just on my general territory, Roo-Roo.”

He frowns dubiously for two reasons; first, the nickname, and second, your outrageous claim to his corner. His bar. His station. “Since when is—“

“I meant the piano,” you clarify. Then, eyeing the long bench he’s occupying, “May I?”

“Be my guest.” He scoots over. The bench isn’t as spacious as it looks, and your leg is pressed flush against his as you give the piano a go. Feeling the ivories resist and give way under your fingertips. “So what are we playing?”

The ‘we’ is not lost on you, and you could ignore it… or own it. Everyone seems to be in their own little world, and you’re feeling bold somehow. Maybe it’s because everyone is finally off-the-clock… or maybe, just maybe, it’s the place. The man. The nostalgia. It makes you bold.

“How do we feel…” you play some random chords thoughtfully, “...about Elton John?”

“Love him.”

“Mm. I think I got the perfect song.”

“Oh?”

You play a bright, soulful intro as an answer. Rooster chuckles, recognizing the song right away, murmuring about a corny choice. But you sing anyway with your whole chest,

“If you feel that is real, I’m on trial. And I’m here, yeah, in your prison!”

Some of the crowd whoop and cheer, raising their bottles in your direction.

You reach over to play the lower notes, but your fingers brush against him. He’s already there, continuing the song and joining you, his voice warm with a slight silvery rasp that makes him oh so endearing. “Through a glass eye, your throne is the one danger zone. Take me to the pilot for control,” he sings. “Everybody!”

“Take me to the pilot of your soul!” nearly the entire bar sings back to you.

Take me to the pilot / Lead me through the chamber / Take me to the pilot / I am but a stranger

You try not to think about the inevitability of this ridiculous man taking you home and murmuring something about making you sing some more, as he grabs a handful of your ass under your dress. You’d laugh and roll your eyes, but you’d let him anyway. You’d gladly sing to high heavens for him.

But that comes later. Right now, you’re surrounded by cast and crew and naval support singing along around the piano, and even from different corners of the bar. And if he gently nudges you with his arm, you pretend it’s to cue the big finish.

The bar erupts in cheers and whoops as the two of you riff up and down the piano. And amidst the crowd, Fanboy casually remarks,

“You guys are pretty much drift compatible, you know that? It’s adorable.”

You simply shrug, deciding that the best course is to play dumb. Rooster seems to agree, lifting his hand up. You high-five him without looking.

Fanboy laughs and walks off with a shake of his head. Neither of you address what just happened; you just simply intertwine your legs together, drift compatible.

[awkwardtaco056]

so now that i’m no longer in the Hell that was school and after finding the lovely blog @endcringe i’ve decided to talk about my own experiences with cringe culture, bullying, and why it’s Really Bad to not let people enjoy inherently harmless things, especially neurodivergent people (read more because this is gonna get long and triggering at times, TW for mentions of bullying, suicide, child abuse, a brief mention of incest shipping. I won’t be naming any of the peers that I discuss my experiences with, because my point with this post is Not to “cancel” anyone, I just want to speak out on my experiences)

I’m neurodivergent; I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 8 years old. I didn’t know a lot about it, and a family member even painted it as “oh it’s nothing blah blah blah just apply yourself more. Because of this, I had no idea about the concept of hyperfixations until I was in my late teens. Due to that, I would obsess over random things and my family would shame me relentlessly for it. My mother said I had an “addictive personality” and that she feared I’d end up a drug addict or alcoholic because of it.

I look younger than what I am, I’m short, and small. AKA, the perfect candidate for being picked on by people bigger and stronger than me. People made fun of my art when I was around 13, but fortunately that was an instance where spite fueled me to improve drastically. However, just because I happened to take the shitty comments and have it fuel me then does NOT mean bullying people will have that effect all the time. At some point someone put my old South Park fan art on a cringe blog. I was temporarily hurt, and a little angry, but I realized that if someone was making fun of a 15 year old’s art, they probably didn’t have much going for them in life, so I moved on.

Fast forward to high school. Everything was horrible and I’m not exaggerating when I say I barely made it out alive. I was living in an abusive household up until January 2018 and I found comfort in many different interests. I’ve always found great comfort in music and the arts in general. In 2016, I drew a picture of a mermaid. I was inspired by the chocolate opal gemstone, and I thought it’d be fun to draw a gay chubby mermaid with dark skin and a rainbow tail and freckles. Junior year was lousy and I wanted something that sparked Joy. I was immediately told that “scientifically, mermaids wouldn’t look like that. Mind you, my take looked like this:

Obviously I wasn’t going for realism, I just wanted to draw a cute mermaid. However, they continued to tell me that they wouldn’t look like that, going as far as writing so on the back of said drawing. When I got angry at her for taking it too far (as I’d established before that I didn’t like it when people wrote on my art without permission), they got angry back, accusing me of being unable to take criticism. Heated by the accusation, I went as far as asking my art teacher if it was fair for them to say that, and she said no, stating that constructive criticism would be talking about how I could improve my lineart and coloring in the digital version. I took her actual helpful criticism and since then have improved Drastically in digital art. Even with that being said, I found myself hesitant to participate in things such as MerMay because I was leery of hearing that peer berate me for having cartoony mermaids. 

 During high school I grew to love many musicians, a lot of emo/alternative stuff, a couple being Twenty One Pilots and Melanie Martinez. I love how unique TOP’s style is, their open discussion of mental illness, and as someone who had a rough childhood, I connected with every single song on Cry Baby. It was like nothing I’d ever heard. I started listening to mashups featuring all these different artists I love, adoring how they could change the tone and sound so drastically. A peer Bully of mine in junior year condemned these two artists, declaring that they made “Bad Music” simply because it didn’t fit their tastes. They’d throw my drawings on the ground, write over them in pen, steal my headphones so I couldn’t listen to music, push me around, complain that mashups sucked and gave them a headache, and in general shit all over conetnt that was actively preventing me from committing suicide. 

Some family members were no better. Once high school hit, I began listening to Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, and My Chemical Romance. Their deep complex lyrics stuck with me. I would write down quotes from my favorite songs and thanks to hyperfixating, I remember each studio album in order My mother resented when I fell in love with the “Emo Trinity” because “the Columbine  shooters were emo and that event traumatized me” Despite that, not only did the Columbine tragedy occur in 1999 and none of the bands got together until the early 2000s, but I have a pretty good feeling those groups aren’t For gun violence. The other side constantly criticized the fact that I love FOB, P!ATD, and MCR because I’m black and “why must you listen to that white people music.”

 I grew fond of Dan and Phil in high school (and I’m still a fan to this day!), I loved Phil’s kindness and positive aura and I deeply connect with Dan’s sense of humor and personality. Their content made me happy during some very dark times in my life. It’s November 2017, I’m over a close peer’s house at the time, and notice PINOF is upon us. I drew the PINOF whiskers on my face, my plan being to quietly watch them in the corner of peer’s bedroom on my phone through headphones, the others were doing their own thing and I knew they didn’t like them, so I thought they’d respect it if I silently indulged in it. Unfortunately, the complete opposite happened. I was immediately shunned and locked out of the bedroom, told that I’d only be let back in if I washed the whiskers off because “absolutely not”. Me, being stubborn, washed them off temporarily but drew them back on in the room. Life during then was especially bad for me, as the abusive household I was in was getting worse. They noticed, of course, and even though all I wanted was to enjoy this small tradition in a time during a deep depression, I was immediately shoved out the room and locked out, only to have said peer’s family members notice. I’m a relatively shy person, so this was honesty a really harrowing experience that had a lasting effect on me. 

I grew to adore Sanders Sides as well, but the moment I found out most of my peers didn’t like Thomas, I was terrified.  I stopped watching Dan and Phil’s content for months and shied away from other fandoms too, only occasionally indulging in times of complete solitude. One time when said peers were due to visit my house for the first time, I saw the Phandom and Fander stuff I’d hung up on my wall in my little sanctuary that was my bedroom (it was the first time in years I’d had my own room), and I was filled with panic and fear. I took them down and hid them away, genuinely terrified of what they’d do to me if they saw. It’s still incites so much anger in me to this day because they turned around and ended up shipping incest, but somehow liking D&P and Sanders Sides was So. Much. Worse.

They were baffled by my actions, despite having humiliated me Twice by going on a private blog of mine separate from everything so that I could fully indulge and laughing at everything on there, once at a peer’s house, once right in school. I don’t think they realized how traumatizing it was to have a large group of people in public laughing at something I was deeply self conscious about for all of my life. I put on a brave face at the time, but ended up crying in the bathroom after first period began. I continued to be treated as lesser until things came to an ugly head August 2018 when I ended up in the hospital because I nearly attempted suicide. Years of child abuse, bullying, and being deemed “cringy” made me feel like I didn’t deserve to be alive, that everyone would be happier if I were gone.

After arguably one of the lowest points in my life, I cut them off and slowly began to embrace the Real Me. I started letting myself enjoy the things again, made true friends and even found love, my first boyfriend ever at 18. I still get choked up retelling it, but when PINOF 10 dropped, after he found out how much I’d been hurt over the incident in 2017, I was greeted with a photo of him with the whiskers on his face. I cried for a while, blown away at such a pure act of kindness. He listens to me ramble about my interests, he compliments my taste in music, he watched K-12 with me. 

This got incredibly long, but my point is this: Cringe Culture hurts people. You might think it’s whatever if the Thing doesn’t apply to your interests, but content you’re denouncing as cringy could be something that’s keeping them alive, that one flicker of light in a void of darkness. When I was contemplating suicide, I listened to The Black Parade, repeating Gee’s words to myself over and over, that nothing in the world was worth hurting yourself over. Some friendly joshing here and there is okay, but actively ripping someone to shreds constantly to the point where they have a mental breakdown in front of you and later on plan their own demise is disgusting. Nobody should abuse anyone for having harmless interests, no one. Unless you’re participating in p*dophilic/inc*st/s*xual assault/inherently abusive ships/content and pretending it’s not bad because “Fiction doesn’t impact reality!”, you have every right to like what you like and be happy. Read homestuck. Play Undertale. Draw up the Wildest OCs you can imagine. And stay away from people who try to rob you of innocent fun, life is too short and in this cruel, unforgiving world, you deserve to be happy, whether you’re a 13 year old who draws cute furries, a 16 year old cosplayer on TikTok, a VSCO girl, a 30 year old who writes/draws self insert art or a 20 year old who adores Invader Zim. 

Cringe Culture is just bullying under a different name, and it can lead to many instances of people, especially fellow neurodivergent folk to feel isolated and ostracized. Attempting to bully someone out of an interest they have isn’t going to fix them; it’s more often than not going to cause more damage. I suffer from diagnosed C-PTSD, anxiety, and depression, and sometimes I still find myself trying to over-justify my interests. To all who are roped up in bad homes and lousy “friends” who berate you for your innocent passions, I’m sorry you’re suffering, things will one day get better even if it doesn’t feel like it, and fuck those people. I’d also like to note that sometimes even if it seems more terrifying, it’s better to have one or two close friends you can truly trust than a whole group that walks all over you. You have every right to call them out for treating you poorly, and if things don’t improve, you also have every right to leave.

You have a right to live your True Self.

[notlikeotherbirds]

A self indulgent work of writing about my current hyperfixations:

So I’ve been listening to the Magnus Archives and have spent a lot of time in the Voltron fandom, so here is what I think could be Adam’s statement to the Magnus archives about the disapearances of several people including his fiancé. 

Read it on AO3

Statement made by Adam Weller regarding the disappearance of several people including his fiancé. Statement given on August 15th 2051 at the Magnus Institute. 

Statement begins:

I work at the Galaxy Garrison. I’m sure you’ve heard of us. We’re a space travel and military institution. I am an officer and a pilot and I work with young cadets, coaching them, teaching them.

My fiancé, Takashi Shirogane, and I met there five years ago. He worked the same job as me, but he’s a year older than me so we only met once I was out of training. We started dating pretty soon after our first meeting. Those were the happiest years of my life and after three years he engaged to me.

Two months after that he got the offer to go on the Kerberos mission. A mission to go to one of Pluto’s moon, the furthest from earth a human had ever been. He was excited obviously, but it was more than that. He had always had this thing about proving himself. And what better way to prove yourself than to go where nobody had gone before. Not that he needed to. He was the best pilot the Garrison had ever seen. Even in training he had already been breaking record over record. So I wasn’t surprised when he got the offer, they needed a good pilot for the mission and Takashi was the best.

But the mission was dangerous and it would last five years. We had just gotten engaged and honestly I didn’t want to start our married life with a five year long distance relationship in which we couldn’t even properly talk to each other. It might sound selfish but I had already compromised a lot of my life for his ambitions and his career and this felt like one step too far. We fought a lot about this in the months leading up to the mission. I thought he was being selfish and reckless and he thought I was being hysterical and unreasonable. Even though I ended up being right, I will never forgive myself for our last conversation.

It had been two weeks before the launch and we had been fighting, as always, and I gave him an ultimatum: If he went on the mission we were through. I asked him to choose between me and the mission and he choose the mission. I left and didn’t speak to him after that. I never filed the paperwork for calling off the engagement, I didn’t even really break up with him. Honestly, right up until the start of the mission, until the rocket left the ground, I still hoped he’d change his mind. He didn’t. He went on the mission and I stayed behind.

Two months after the launch, the ship went missing. Well, that wasn’t what they told us. They told us that Takashi had crashed the ship and that he and his two team mates, Dr Samuel Holt and Matt Holt, had died.

I knew Takashi and I knew that he had never crashed a ship in his life. I want to say that it was more than a gut feeling that lead me to read the file but really it was probably only the grief and the anger that drove me to do so. I didn’t acquire it the legal way. I’m not even sure if there would have been a legal way for me to read it. But I got my hands on it. How I did it should not be of concern for you. It was nothing too serious and I didn’t get caught. Still it might have been the biggest risk I have ever taken in my career at the Garrison or even in my whole life. But I needed to know and I don’t regret doing it.

The file told me what I had expected: Takashi had not crashed the ship, it had simply disappeared. The last communication with the ship had been strange. I read the transcript; it started with a log, routine stuff, very boring normal things. I wish I could have heard to and not just read it, Takashi had done the log, as far as I know these were his last words. Sorry, I’m getting sentimental.

There was some interference in the transmission and when it cut back in to the log, a couple of minutes later, there was shouting and loud crashing noises. Then the transmission cut out. Just complete radio silence. That is not only alarming but nearly impossible. The Garrison ships are built with a communication system that will always send signals. Even if there should be a crash that destroys most of the ship or a fog that interferes with most signals, there should be still a signal going through. It is one of the most innovative inventions of the Garrison. If there is still a piece of the ship somewhere, it should still send signals home. But there were no signals. The ship had just disappeared.

I was concerned and devastated, of course, but the knowledge that it wasn’t Takashi’s fault filled me with enough closure that I would have let it rest. There was nothing I could do anyway.

That had been about a year and a half ago. I’m here though, because that wasn’t all that happened.

I mentioned that Takashi and I had been instructors for young recruits, well I still am I guess.

About four years ago Takashi took in a student. Usually we’re not supposed to focus in on students like that, but this kid meant a lot to Takashi, and vice versa. Keith Kogane is his name, was his name. He was an orphan and an excellent pilot and student, top of his class. He had a promising future, breaking some of Takashi’s records already. He was recruited by the Garrison, that doesn’t happen a lot. Takashi was the one to invite him, that’s how they got so close, I think.

But he was also hot headed. He got in fights constantly, even before he got to the Garrison he had a record of making trouble. And, true to his nature, he was just as short tempered at the Garrison. He lashed out easily and got into fights left and right. I think some of the students used that against him, kids are cruel like that. But Takashi was there to bust him out of every single precarious situation he got himself into. He talked to the head instructor and then talked to Keith and always made sure Keith could stay and would stay out of trouble in the future, which never worked obviously but Takashi, patient and loving as he was, was always there.

Since Takashi and I were dating I got to know the kid a bit too. When he wasn’t angry he was quiet, almost shy. I think he was very lonely. He’d lost his father as a young child and there was no trace of a mother or any other family. The only family he had was Takashi. It was never official obviously, Takashi never adopted him, but they felt like family to each other.

So when Takashi disappeared it took only a week for Keith to get expelled. Allegedly he had punched the head instructor. I assume it was the rumour about Takashi crashing the ship. I understood his anger I was angry as well. Angry at the Garrison for ruining Takashi’s name and myself for letting him go and at myself for not making up with him before he left and at Takashi for leaving. Maybe I should have talked to Keith, we might have been able to help each other. But I never did.

About two weeks after the memorial for the Kerberos crew and two weeks after Keith had been expelled I overheard someone from a town nearby talk about some rowdy kid camping out in his shed in the middle of the desert. I put two and two together and told him I knew the kid. I knew the guy fleetingly form his deliveries to the Garrison. He worked for a fuel company and we had talked several times already. He seemed like a decent guy. So I asked him if there was a possibility for Keith to stay in the shed if I paid rent for it. I may have also lied and said he was my nephew. He accepted, told me he didn’t use the shed anyway.

I obviously checked to see if it was really Keith. I had been right. I told him he could stay, I had arranged something, and that he could always call me if there was anything I could do for him. I knew he had no one and nowhere to go. A 17 year old orphan with a history of trouble making who had just been expelled from an elite military program. Nobody would take him in. So I did. Not just out of the kindness of my heart I must admit. Mostly for Takashi. I was kind of glad to still have him around, too. He had meant a lot to Takashi, and as weird as that might sound, in a way he was all I had left of my fiancé.

I paid for him to stay there, visited him regularly, left him some money for food. He never spoke much. He hadn’t really been much of a talker before Takashi went missing but now he was even quieter. He was always working when I visited. At the time I didn’t know on what, and he never told me. In the beginning I still tried making conversation with him but as time went on I tried less. It’s another thing I regret. Maybe if I had gotten him to tell me what he had been working on I could have helped. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

About a year passed until three months ago he went missing too. It was July 1st and the day had been rather normal. It was evening and I stood at the window. That’s the only reason why I saw the comet. It was coming down near us. There is only desert for miles around the Garrison so I wasn’t really concerned that it might hit anything. But it was exciting. A comet coming down this close was great, easy research. But strange also because I hadn’t heard of any comet that was scheduled to hit earth anytime close to July 1st. So I went out to see if I could pick up any information in the halls. Word spreads fast at the Garrison. Strangely nobody was talking about what I had just seen. But there was the hushed atmosphere of a secret project.

Secret projects are not unusual at the Garrison, we’re military after all, but this was different. Usually you’d hear the whispers and secrecy for months, getting gradually more noticeable over time. But there had been no build up. And it did not have the atmosphere of a project that was just starting. It had the feeling of something that is in its late stages.

Now, I know that I’m using a lot of words like ‘feeling’ and ‘atmosphere’ and that’s not very solid evidence, but I have worked at the Garrison for long enough to pick up on the mood my superiors are in. I don’t rank high enough to be let in on any secret projects, but when you spend enough time in a place you learn to read it very well. So I knew there was something afoot and that it was unusual.

We’re military, we don’t do spontaneous projects. And even less when it comes to space travel. Everything at the Garrison is well planned out and no mission is ever even approved without at least a two months’ notice let alone executed. That usually takes at least half a year. Only emergencies are an exception. And if a secret project is an emergency and probably has something to do with a comet falling from the sky, than that is not just odd but interesting as well.

I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but of course as a space enthusiast my mind went to aliens. I’m no conspiracy theorist and I don’t believe that the government is hiding any alien technology from us. But it intrigued me enough to at least go to where the whispers lead me and see if I could catch a glance of anything.

I ended up at the morgue. A smaller building a bit off campus. It has a nice platform with a great view at the desert so I used that as a reason to stay. I stood there half facing the morgue and had a smoke. If anyone’d asked I’d just said I was enjoying the view of the desert while smoking. That would be believable enough.

I didn’t stand there for long, maybe ten minutes, I had just started my second cigarette. I’m no chain smoker I just needed a reason to stay. A truck drove in. It was big with tinted windows and cargo that was covered with black tarp. It came from the desert and drove into the morgue’s garage. It wasn’t one of the normal body transport trucks. And it was rather late for anything to come it. Transports, no matter what was transported, usually stopped at six. It was already eight at that point.

About five minutes after that I heard a loud engine, I heard it before I saw what made it. It was Keith’s bike. I hadn’t seen him come towards the Garrison, but I had also been pretty focused on the truck and the main road and the garage. The bike was one of those new fancy ones with hover technology, crazy fast those things, if Keith wasn’t such a good driver I would have been concerned for his health. I’m not entirely sure where he got it from, maybe Takashi gave it to him.

He was driving away from the morgue, at a far enough distance that I couldn’t really see him on the bike, but I had seen it often enough to recognise it as Keith’s. I have to say I wasn’t really surprised to see Keith there that night. Not that I had expected him to be there, but I also wasn’t as surprised as one should think I was. After all he had a habit of getting himself into trouble. What was strange though, more than seeing him at the Garrison driving away at a very high speed, being followed by several vehicles, was that he was not alone on the bike. There were at least two more people, probably more, on there with him.

I mentioned that Keith was kind of a loner. He didn’t have friends and now that he wasn’t at the Garrison anymore he didn’t even have acquaintances anymore. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I was the only human contact he had in the last year. I couldn’t make out who the people on the bike with him were, they were too far away, but they must have been on there of their own volition, since Keith was going so fast, they should have had a hard time even staying on there if they weren’t determined to do so.

I didn’t follow him. He was a good enough driver to escape the Garrison vehicles on his heels, or at least I hoped so. I also didn’t really want to get into trouble myself. Just standing there witnessing this put me in jeopardy. So I told myself I’d just check in on him the next day and went back to my quarters. It was selfish and cowardly, and again, in hindsight I wish I had followed Keith. To find out where he was going. Maybe I could have helped, or at least got some information. But I didn’t.

I did check on him the next day. But he wasn’t home, his bike wasn’t there. He also wasn’t there the next day. At that point three students had been reported missing. Lance McClain, Pidge Gunderson and Hunk Garett. All three very good students. I had met them once or twice, they had never been trouble makers or problem students. They hadn’t even really stood out at all. One of them looked oddly like Matt Holt, one of Takashi’s crew members.

I can’t tell you for sure that their disappearance had something to do with Keith’s disappearance or the events of the previous evening. But I do think they are related. They had been last seen shortly before the comet had come down that evening.

When Keith was still not there the third day in a row I let myself into the shed. I have a spare key, just in case anything ever happened. The room was as it always looked. Like I said, I visited quite frequently. It wasn’t messy or dirty. But laid out on the table was a map. It was a map of the desert, a part of it was circled in red. Since I didn’t really have anything else I could do, I took the map and went out to the area Keith had marked.

It lead me to a cave. Outside I found Keith’s bike parked. Dust had already settled on it. It had probably stood there for the three days he was gone. I went through the tunnel where Keith’s bike was parked in front. The cave it should have led to was collapsed.  I knew it should have been there because it was on the map. There was only rubble there. I don’t know much about caves but it looked like it had happened recently. I called the police. They didn’t find anything or anyone in the rubble.

I reported Keith missing that day. I wasn’t very hopeful that they’d find him or that they’d even look for him.

Since then I have spent a lot of time in Keith’s shack. At first I had just intended to clean it out and stop paying rent for it but as I went through Keith’s notes, the one he had been working on the whole year I got kind of hooked. That’s why I’m here.

He had investigated Takashi’s disappearance and strange energy signals coming from that collapsed cave. The energy signals he had measured were tremendous, that nobody had picked it up before him was quite strange. But then again, the Garrison had built their headquarters practically on top of them, maybe that wasn’t a coincidence after all. The energy signals are gone now and somehow I can’t shake the feeling that they disappeared together with Keith and those kids. I studied his notes and photos and readings. I don’t know if you will think I’m crazy but I think all of those disappearances are connected and I don’t think it was something from earth that took them away.

I know how jumping straight to aliens sounds but I with the stuff Keith recorded and the report of Takashi going missing, I just can’t help but feel like nothing humans have built could cause these chain of events.

I found out about you guys in my own research, and I needed to tell someone. I thought if I had a chance with anyone believing me it would be you.

Statement ends.

  All the things easily verifiable are correct.

Takashi Shirogane did work for the Galaxy Garrison and disappeared alongside Mathew Holt and Dr Samuel Holt on May 13th 2050. There are no official records as to what happened and we could not get a report or even a coherent answer form our contact person at the Garrison.

Keith Kogane was a student at the Garrison and got expelled May 27th 2050 and got reported as missing July 3rd 2051.

Three Students, Lance McClain, Pidge Gunderson and Hunk Garett went missing on July 2nd 2051.

We got access to the shed that Mr Kogane lived in and his notes, the measurements if they are indeed real, are unusual. Besides that it’s a lot of conspiracy theories. Nothing we can work with really.

The cave that Mr Weller mentioned exists and it is in the state he described. The police report of July 3rd 2051 also confirms his story.

Further than that, there really is nothing we can do here. Even if Mr Weller was right with his assumption that it was aliens, which I don’t really believe, if I’m being honest, there is nothing we could do to find the seven missing people.

Besides that, I don’t think this has anything to do with extra-terrestrial beings and more with military disappearing people, it wouldn’t be the first time.

File end.