#i mean there has been a few expections
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mermay
#artists on tumblr#may has gone so incredibly fast#it literally just started and now it's almost over#i'll be going to finland to visit my mom and friend again in june#just in time for pride week#it's been really nice in helsinki the past few years#i hope it goes safely and peacefully this year too#last year there were some protestors screaming mean things with their hateful signs#but that's to be expected#it's hard to feel insulted when they're the ones wasting their time screaming at strangers#instead of doing something positive#must be a sad life being so angry all the time
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the body language is fucking wild
#i mean#when is it not#but this little moment always just gets me#oh yeah let me just visibly check out my best mate and then reflexively thumb at my nipple#in the middle of an interview#totally normal behaviour#this has been sitting in my drafts forever#i’m doing a drafts clear out so expect a weird assortment of posts from me over the next few days lol#milex#alex turner#miles kane#tlsp#the last shadow puppets#lulu posts
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Not me adding annotations to a book to make it more accessible for my mom when she will read it
#i am once again complaining about italian translators not adding enough context and explainations in queer non fiction books#90% of non queer people or people who do not speak english don't have enough fucking context to get certain things#i need tranlators to add the necessary context to make these books accessible for everyone#olay surely mainly queer people will read a book about going outside the binary but if we want more people to understand us#we need to add the necessary context to make these things comprehensible to everyone#both those who do not have a queer background and therefore have never see certain words and those who do not speak any english#why the fuck are we assuminng everyone reading this knows english and the linguistic and cultural context between certain words#most people i know do not know one word on english and since it's an italian translation you should make it completly accessible for anyone#i don't want people to read this with their phone in their hands to look for meaninga here and there#i have had this complaint before and i will keep complaining#it's frustrating because this book makes the concept of going outside the binary very easy and accessible and the translation is not as good#also the translation of this particular chapter did a terrible job language wise too so i can't expect much#the concept is there but oh boy do a few sentences look like they have been translated with google#so yep i resorted to making my own notes because i want my mom to read this and understand it without here needing to ask me for context#i mean i want conversations to start but not because of translation reasons if you know what i mean#and it would be very unmotivating to read a book that has too many words you don't know bc the translator took things for grated#cris speaks#i am done complaining for now#the og book is super good tho i am happy i am reading it again after so many years#the---hermit
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boy in silly sitting positions compilation
#cats#I especially like the last one where he just has one single paw poking out of that box for some reason lol#I still have costumes to post and like a billion other things.... grr... constantly failing at staying active on social media aughh#I think because currently my Main Focus is on trying to get my game done and stuff.. which basically just means sitting and writing all day#so there's not much to post about. Though I know the Good At Social Media thing to do would be to post about the#writing and share progress and talk about the game and characters or whatever to try to build interest or something but that is SOOO weird#to me.. I could maybe get it if it was like a tiny tiny discord groupchat of playtesters with like 5 people in#it.. But something about talking openly about things before they happen is weird to me?? Like presumptuous feeling or something#''oooo guess whats gonna happen LATER!!!'' like.. how do you know.. what if it doesnt. what if you dont finish it. what if its not the way#you think it's going to be. what if something changes. etc. Like I literally avoid movie trailers and game trailers for the same reason ghj#Even if it's not ME doing it it just feels... weird.. Maybe it has to do with my OCD and how I just don't like talking about ''future''#things in Certain Terms. Like if I was going to say ''Oh yeah sure. come over to my house in a few months''. I would have to follow it up#with like ''HOPEFULLY you can come over to my house in a few months'' or 'They'll come over in a few months MOST LIKELY''. Because just#stating that something will happen matter of factly takes for granted like.. what if somehting horrible happens and I DONT have a house#in a few months? or what if something bad happens to me. or to the person coming over? I can't ever DEFINITELY say with 100% certainty#that one could ACTUALLY come to my house in a few months. anything could change. So I have to allot for that in my phrasing. hbjjkn#There are a lot of situations where you're expected to just Assume Things but for some reason that bothers me. My brain literally does not#even Assume the most basic things.. like how do *I* know that just because it's someones birthday that they want to be wished a happy#birthday? what if they dont? everyone is different and has different preferences. I should check with them first. or wait until they public#ly announce that theyre accepting birthday wishes. I have to allot for all 5034859069 rare possibilities at any given time and never take#anything for certain. etc. ghjbjhbh.... ANYWAY.. I have been feeling a bit sick lately as usual.. but still slowly making progress on some#things. Moslty I need to edit costume photos. make sculptures. and work on the game. Going back reading some of the old writing from like#2018 and suprisingly I don't have to change that much of it? In fact I like it mostly. so that's good. I would be very interested if I were#playing the game myself. Though that doesnt mean much since my tastes are so niche lol..#Still really want to clear some of my million tumblr drafts as well... alas and aughh and ooughh and so on and so forth. Between all of my#evil appointments other such things...why cant I have one billion dollar to retire into relaxed hermit artist life of no stressors.. bleas
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I think what threw me off with the epilogue now that I’ve had time to digest it is that it felt so final for Michael. I’m so used to seeing everything through her eyes in real time as she lives her life as the protagonist that when we fast forwarded to the middle I guess it felt like skipping a few chapters of a book. I get why they did it, there may not be any opportunities to see her in the future so they wanted to take what they could get, but until then a part of me was in denial that the show was ending. It just felt like maybe they would pick up again next week and we would start all this over again
#star trek discovery#michael burnham#I’ve been trying to wrap my head around it#but every season finale of this show ending in big stakes meant that the series finale didn’t feel like a finale until it actually was#i half expected Michael to spend the next few eps mulling over what she wanted to do and hiding it#or maybe doing her bit with progenitors then coming back#because she died once then she died again then she went to another dimension then she went though a wormhole#what’s a little ascension at that point#instead I imagine it felt if tos ended and then they just tacked on the motion picture at the end#regardless of how much I liked it and it make me happy I felt let down too#to ramble even more in the tags I understand what some of the cast has been saying that for them now that it’s been over a year#its almost better because the bitterness is gone#I mean they had like three days to wrap up the show#and I get it because I still feel mostly bitterness lol
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ok first murder drones now spooky month depression
#did indie animation wake up and choose angst#not complaining it’s yummy but#I wasn’t expecting angst fromSPOOKY MONTH?????#and the priest character is actually really cool like a lot of media portrays priests as villains and im glad they didn’t do that here#these past few days in indie animation have been actually insane#yesterday was the lackadaisy anniversary and the release of murder drones 7 which was a ROLLERCOASTER#and then the day after that spooky month releases with DEPRESSION#indie animation is so good it’s not even funny#I hope more people become aware of indie shows so they become the new standard#like I dont want all of these plain movies/series we have been seeing from these major productions (with some exceptions ofc)#and with indie animation rising I hope it dis encourages AI use in creative media#because AI can’t make something with such a detailed and in depth plot as humans can#I mean it could eventually(?) but if you have ever interacted with AI you may notice many flaws#this has turned into an essay it’s not even tags anymore but im just psyched for indie animation#murder drones#spooky month#lackadaisy#indie animation#kind of a rant
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Today I, an aromantic, was getting ready to attend a wedding… with Stranger on repeat.
#the mechanisms#stranger#ttbt2#i knew what i was doing when i put it on but also i am working on an addtion to my brian-jonny foils post so i was thinking about brian#its always sad brian hours#i cant really read that song separate from him anymore. honestly not sure i ever could but. its just so unconnected from anything else.-#actaea and lyssa is pretty disconnected. but its still almost certainly on the city. alice is pretty disconnected but its a result of-#king cole’s war. the most disconnected songs are redeath. the ignominious demise of dr pilchard. drop dead. hereward the wake. and stranger-#(and frankenstein but i consider that its own thing). and redeath and drop dead are my least favorite mechs songs.dr pilchard i didnt-#really care for for quite a while. stranger has so few words in it. it’s my favorite song. but the story is minimal fron the song (ie w/o-#knowing the crane wife story) so making a story around it sort of makes sense? im having a hard time with the words here. like we expect a-#story. cause that’s what the mechs do. and stranger has a story. it just doesnt have context and so creatong that context for ourselves is-#understandable. to be expected even. hope that makes sense#side note: i think it would make sense for hereward to have been from the same place (system I guess) as the people that made-#fort galfridian. i mean hereward was more of a real person than arthur (since there was no one person arthur was based on. like thats a-#whole thing) and hereward was anglo-dutch. so it makes sense hed be related to that story somehow#its just a theory. obviously. theres nothing in the songs connecting the too as far as im aware.#OH also achilles pointed out to me the anti-amatonormative/aromantic reading of stranger and i liked that a lot#hereward was anglo-danish. not anglo-dutch. sorry danish and dutch people
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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> be a robin buckley fan
> be lesbian
> project on robin
> look up "internalized homophobia robin buckley" on tumblr because it's cathartic
> 3/4 of the posts are about st3ddie or just about steve
#saw one in which steve was like ''no robin you don't understand! i have never been loved! i don't know how that feels like!''#i have several grips about that interpretation#going from the fact that's not true (dustin is clearly a big steve fan + robin herself cares about him deeply)#to the fact he probably wouldn't be introspective enough to voice his emotions this concisely not to mention he'd probably wouldn't take#a moment to realize he's never felt loved if that were the case. i mean. he could think that. when he's like 35 and more in touch with his#inner world. 19yo steve can't even get the hint that hitting on a girl who's already clearly taken (nancy) is wrong so like i don't expect#him to be that smart#but i can live with people having takes i don't agree with. my opinion doesn't have to be everyone else's opinion if you see steve that way#it fine#what bothered me was the fact he was saying this to a lesbian living in the 80s lmao#who tells him that 1) her whole life has been an error 2) she doesn't think he'd want to be close to her if he truly knew her and 3)#3) is paralyzed by fear of social suicide if she dares believe for even a second that the girl she likes may like her too#like i dont need people to do deep dives into robin lore and quote from memory lines from Surviving Hawkins abt robin feeling like she's#rotten inside. not supposed to have friends. feeling like something is wrong with her and that pushes people away etc etc#the fact that she's a lesbian should tell you enough abt who has the biggest chances of being loved 😭#also bothered me that it showed up when looking up posts abt internalized homophobia because?? where's the internalized homophobia therw#unless it's gay steve feeling bad abt it in an AU (as if canon robin didn't go through it)#like look im not bothered to find steve-centric content in the robin tag cos people are gonna tag her in posts mentioning her.#she's his friend.#but there are barely any posts at all about robin's internalized homophobia. like i saw 2 or 3. compared to all the steve or steddie ones#where's the love for my babygirl 😭😭#anti steddie#not really but y'know i don't wanna bother anyone#edit: the bit about there being like 3 posts on robin w internalized homophobia isn't exactly true. there are a few. but they still feel#drowned in st3ddie posts#like something isn't right here
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I love posts that are like “imagine your f/o picking you up” because they’re meant to be so sweet and gentle but every time I get picked up by a friend my brain just… shuts down. Like for whatever reason my brain physically fails to compute the situation. I cannot imagine what it would be like with Ajax
#For context I’m the shortest at my law school. Not by exaggeration; I mean ‘we have like a dozen class photos to highlight this fact’.#<- 5’0’’.#So everyone in my friend group has picked me up at least once.#Well. Almost.#The first time it happened this girl literally had a sprained arm but she kept me in the air for a good few seconds and my brain just. shut#Because it was my first time like how the fuck do you respond to that.#I just stood in place and stared at the ground for like 2 minutes after.#The most NOTABLE one was the second one because she was like. Can I pick you up. Let me pick you up.#and I was Iike have you seen yourself? no you’re going to get hurt.#she’s maybe 5’2’’? 5’3’’ only slightly taller by an inch or two.#and she’s like No I hit the gym can I pick You up. Yes or no. so I said fine but I was fully expecting failure.#and then I’m suddenly in the air.#and I was almost so borderline embarrassed after that that I stumbled and fell moments after being put down.#so like. if I have been so absolutely mind-scrambled by that I? don’t think I’ll survive.#Not even in a romantic way I think my brain would just liquify if Ajax picked me up.#Don’t ask me a single thing; don’t tell me a single thing; I’m literally useless for the entire duration of that experience.#✧.*🌹
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dear internet stop throwing pictures of beautifully toasted bagels slathered in cream cheese at me i don't have a toaster i don't have room in my teeny kitchenette for a toaster a toaster is a luxury here in japan as are bagels as is cream cheese
bagel places here that ask me "do you want that heated up" make me want to cry tears of joy even though all they mean is they're gonna stick the bagel in the microwave for ten seconds so it's slightly warm-ish but not enough to crisp up or melt the cream cheese a little
#food#closest bagel place to me has two options blueberry bagel or white choco chip#its fortunate that i love blueberry but anyway that shows the general mindset towards bagels here they're sweet snacks more or less#hard to find everything bagel or onion bagel etc#i havent been home since before covid but my primary reason for wanting to is i neeeed a nyc bagel#and real mac n cheese and real grilled cheese#and pasta that isnt spaghetti with something something cream sauce#oh and i really miss american bbq which means it sucks that i'll be going home in winter bahahaha#never expected to stay here as long as i have but otoh food cravings aside what real motivation do i have to live in the us#obvs my parents and i do want to see them and wish we could live close#but as for life in the us itself... living here is so far a lot easier in a multitude of ways#the biggest downside is my being a foreigner. gotta reapply for that visa every few years#and even though i speak japanese every day the business-style japanese of workplaces is totally different so im limited in terms of jobs#aaaand when im home in the us i have the opposite problem... i miss japan and japanese food instead xP#why cant i teleport that'd solve everything#fizz's life#why are people reblogging this??? X'D
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#kirby#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#ask to tag#twitter is a mess#I may stop running the parallel twitter account cuz like. I never liked twitter much.#I think I've complained repeatedly in the past few days#but like. I do not like checking my notifs there even though no one's being mean#but I love seeing y'all's tags and stuff#it's just like. there's a degree of optional distance that's a lot more comfortable for me?#like I can reply directly to a reply or qt on twitter and it's kind of expected.#that's not even a function we have here!#also twitter has always been bad for posting images and having remotely functional archives#and I don't get to differentiate between post body and tags which I obviously love doing#idk bro I just don't like twitter! I never did!#and what with both me and the website being Very Sick it's rapidly becoming not worth it to cross-post!#(obviously this doesn't affect y'all at all; you're already here and the tumblr will keep running)#(cuz I like drawing and I like using tumblr.)#(I'm just taking a moment to complain.)#(I've got a lot to complain about apparently lol)
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.
#if I've made anyone uncomfortable with the things I've been posting the last few days that was in fact the point and fully intended#and I don't say that to be cruel but simply to drive home the point that fandom spaces can be both safe and hostile at the same time#it is a deeply uncomfortable thing to acknowledge and I know most people do no want to deal with that and I understand that truly#but it was important to me to acknowledge and to give my opinion so that's what I did#At the same time none of this changes my opinion on my ship or the fact that I love a certain character other people find problematic#and I am fine with people finding that problematic because I am human being I am problematic by default#and I am confident enough in myself as a person to know when to acknowledge when I've contributed to problematic behavior#and realize the world doesn't end when this happens#my opinion of the fandom I've made my home in hasn't changed either#I had these views before and now they're out there in the open messy wording and all#and if you've decided that changes your opinion of me for the worse that's fine you can unfollow block etc#I understand that even in my attempt to acknowledge hurt within my fandom I've probably hurt other people and I have made my peace with it#but for everyone else that's shown me support both on tumblr and in private#for everyone that's listened to me vent about this subject over DMs and validated my hurt feelings#instead of trying to press your own discomforts onto me to carry in addition to my own#thank you#I've carved a permanent space in my heart for you and I truly mean that#I waded into this mess fully expecting to be ignored at best and to lose connections at worst and I was fully okay with it#but the love I've gotten and the deep honest and vulnerable conversations I've had over the last few days has truly been astounding to me#this last part is taking me AGES to write#because I'm actually crying thinking about all the good that's come out of this#and I acknowledge that's not a universal opinion and that's fine I'm really only speaking to my personal experience with what's happened#which despite outward appearances has been incredibly cathartic and uplifting for me#and I don't need everyone in the fandom to share my views or validate me or tell me I'm right people are allowed to disagree#I also don't need to have a deep personal and honest connection with everyone in the fandom where I can share my deepest vulnerabilities#but the fact that I could have that connection with some of you? that's enough for me. it's everything to me.
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I DID IT I HAVE THEM ALL NOW!!
#I just got holiday Siebold I was VERY lucky#I'm so happy I've been looking forward to when he'd be pullable again for a few months now#wooooo#I mean it's not THAT impressive since Kalos has the least amount of sync pairs of any region tied with Galar#and a good portion of the kalos pairs are in the gen pool or came free with the story#all of the galar pairs are 5 star save for the free lodge pairs#pokemon masters#pokemon#I expect they'll put the kalos friend group into the game for the villain arc#and the other E4 characters like they did with the sinnoh one
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Cardio said my echocardiogram ultrasound, exercise stress test, and week long heart monitor all showed no serious issues, my resting heart rate is fine, but that my heart rate does seem to rise very rapidly under even small amounts of stress (postural changes, taking stairs, casually walking around my house) and rises very high (160+ bpm according to the monitor) so now I get to be put on beta blockers to see if they work and if they do she said that is sufficient evidence to confirm for sure that it's POTS.
Obviously could confirm it as well with a tilt table test but those are TORTURE based off what I've heard from fellow POTSies so I am very thankful that she doesn't think that's necessary and will not be making me do one.
#i was not expecting to get dx and meds this fast tbh but im very happy about it#i think the fact that she also has POTS herself helps because she is very well acquaintaned with what it looks and feels like#and how hard it is to actually catch with orthostatics in office unless youre having a bad heart day#so my orthostatics not being within range was unsurprising to her and she was like#'that doesnt mean anything you clearly still have a heart rate issue going on even if it didnt show itself right now'#i didnt do shit the entire week i had that monitor on to like physically exert myself but my heart rate still hit almost 170 a few times#also the doctor who did my stress test asked me if i ever experience any chest discomfort or pain and i was like hm no dont think so#and he went 'your chart says you have palpitations though?'#and i was like '... those count as discomfort???' akdjaicidjwjcjsn the answer is yes apparently#im just so used to them now because i have them daily that they dont even really register to me anymore#unless theyre bad enough to knock the wind out of me or make me cough#they just make me anxious which... ig is also a form of discomfort#chronic illness and chronic pain problems though lol not having a normal baseline for discomfort and pain#ndr#not dog related#health stuff#not that anyone probably cares lol but im excited about getting things that have neen affecting me for years FINALLY figured out#im not crazy im just disabled!!!!#*been
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Guess what stupid comic I’m finally getting around to drawing
#wip#do not expect it to be good#like I think I’m mostly gonna leave it thumbnail-like with a few jumpscares of things actually drawn in#GIOVANNI GETTING CALLED HOMOPHOBIC COMIC WILL BE DRAWN#I WILL FINISH THIS#this idea has been cooking for like I think a year now so I refuse to not finish it#the gist is:#Gio has to present a PowerPoint on dating#Lys being an asshole as per usual#Gio crying sobbing throwing up trying to defend himself#everyone else is just living for the chaos#Ghetsis and Cy are there#they’re just not shown yet#Cy wishes he was anywhere else#Archie and Maxie make out session (them fighting)#Archie is trans because I love him#Rose got a different meaning about the name ‘Team Rainbow Rocket’#rainbowpufflez art tag
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