#i met so many people who absolutely despise everything they have to do for uni

[wittgensteining]

I genuinely love uni and going to my classes, I am excited every time during the registration period when I get to pick my electives for the next semester. I love going up to ask professor more questions after a lecture and reading my assigned readings. I study with the intention of remembering everything after the exam. It’s normal to struggle with your studies but studying at university should be equally challenging and enjoyable. I sincerely hope that everyone gets a similar experience to mine during their time at uni. It’s only natural that there are going to be parts of your degree that you dislike or simply don’t care for but if you hate everything about your lectures, your seminars, your readings, maybe you should consider switching majors.

[lockdaisy]

Heart Pirates Headcanons:

I really, really love these goofy dorks, so I decided to post some of my headcanons about them:

1. All of the Heart Pirates are, in some way or another, misfits and outcasts who were hated by the world and led terrible, loveless lives before they met/were saved by Law. I mean... considering what we know in canon, I feel like this is pretty plausible. Here are some canon examples:

• Since most people in the OP world don’t know about minks, Bepo was feared, hunted, and abused for being a talking bear

• After their parents died, Penguin and Shachi were taken in by distant relatives who treated them like slaves. And after they ran away, they were viewed as nothing more than ruffians and were disdained by everyone around them

• Jean Bart was a slave of the Celestial Dragons

And because all of them were abandoned and hated by the rest of the world, they experienced their first taste of happiness only when they joined the crew, and their lives became wonderful ever since

2. In the same vein as the aforementioned headcanon, because everyone else rejected and despised them, the Heart Pirates only have each other. They view each other as FAMILY, and they’d happily and unhesitatingly lay down their lives and dreams for each others’ sakes. As far as they’re concerned, it’s them against the world, and the world can go burn in hell for all they care if it’s for the sake of even a single one of their precious crewmates

3. The Heart Pirates are deeply and automatically suspicious of anyone who isn’t a member of their crew. Like... they’re friendly enough with outsiders, but when these outsiders start trying to get CLOSE, that’s when the barriers slam shut and they become cold and hostile. This is the reason why some of the Heart Pirates—such as Ikkaku, Uni, and Clione—were initially against the alliance with the Straw Hats. While they trust their captain absolutely, they were deeply suspicious of Luffy, and as far as they were concerned, someone like Luffy was nowhere near worthy enough to associate with their beloved captain

4. Law’s overprotective of his crew. Because everyone he’s ever loved has died a horrible death, Law’s terrified of losing his crew as well, which is the reason why he stashes them away somewhere safe whenever he goes on dangerous missions, like when he ordered his crew to go to Zou while he was off at Punk Hazard and Dressrosa. He REFUSES to risk their lives in any way, and he’s TERRIFIED of the idea of them sacrificing themselves for him like Cora-san did

5. The crew’s overprotective of Law as well. Each one of them would gladly die for Law’s sake, and they do their best to ensure that Law doesn’t so much as get a skinned knee. And if someone actually manages to hurt Law? Well, they’ll all team up and do their level best to make that person SUFFER

6. Contrary to many people’s expectations, Law frequently and vocally tells his crew that he loves them. He just does it when they’re all alone together in private since he’s embarrassed by the idea of outsiders hearing him say it. He makes sure to tell them this because his greatest regret is that he never got to tell Cora-san that he loved him, and that fact haunts him to this very day. As a result, he makes it a point to make sure his crew knows with absolute certainty that he cares about them so as to not make the same mistake again

7. Penguin’s the first mate of the Heart Pirates. While people think that Bepo’s the first mate since Law knew him the longest, Bepo’s actually just the navigator since he HATES the daunting responsibility of making the hard decisions and doesn’t have the strategic mind necessary to help advise Law. Penguin, on the other hand, not only has the grit necessary to make the hard decisions, but he has the intelligence needed to help advise Law and the willingness to tell Law when he thinks he’s wrong

8. Shachi has self-esteem issues since he fears that he may be the weakest member of the crew. Because he was the only one affected by Rayleigh’s haki blast, he fears that he may have a weak will, and can become very snappish and angry whenever he thinks that someone may be questioning his abilities

9. The seat at the very head of the dinner table is kept empty in order to honor Cora-san and where he’d be sitting if he were still alive today

10. Even though they hated it with all of their hearts, even though they were worried sick and desperately wished to protect him, they let Law go alone to Punk Hazard since they know Law’s past and knew this was the only way Law could get closure

11. Along with Law and Jean Bart, who have their own rooms due to captain’s privilege and size respectively, Ikkaku’s the only one who has her own room. Also, her least favorite assigned duty on the Polar Tang is managing the engine rooms since the heat there makes her hair get all muggy and tangled

12. Because they spend most of their time deep underwater in the Polar Tang, most of the Heart Pirates train, party, read, or play card games to pass the time

13. Law very, VERY rarely joins in on the parties his crew throws. Instead, he just sits in the corner and just silently watches them the entire time. His crew is absolutely fine with this since they know and cherish their captain’s oddities, and they can feel the love in his gaze

14. After he lost his first crew and became a slave, Jean Bart became deeply nihilistic and thought he’d never care about anyone ever again. But after joining the Heart Pirates, he began to heal, and now he can feel genuine happiness and he loves every one of his crewmates with every ounce of his soul

15. Because of his experience as a former captain, Jean Bart imparts wisdom to Law whenever he senses that Law’s beginning to doubt or feel unsure of his own decisions

16. Uni’s an excellent masseur, which is awesome since a lot of the crew—especially Law—get incredibly tense very often

17. Clione’s an archivist, which actually makes him work together with Law surprisingly often, since Law wants Clione to record all of the events and information they encounter just in case they need to use it at a later date

18. Cora-san’s birthday is an official Heart Pirates holiday. On that day, they get a day off and they all get to drink, eat, and make merry as much as they want

19. The Heart Pirates love to spoil and pamper Law ROTTEN. Like... they might complain about how spoiled their captain is once in a blue moon, but otherwise, they positively SHOWER Law with affection and fulfill his every little whim. If Law sits down on the deck, one of the members might immediately rush over and massage his feet/back. If Law ever wants a midnight snack, the crew will all immediately wake up and do everything in their power to make him the best snack imaginable, even if one of them needs to go so far as to go outside and catch some fish. If Law ever falls asleep anywhere, one of them will carry him back to his room and tuck him in

20. All of the Heart Pirates know about Law’s past, and they ESPECIALLY know all about Cora-san. They’re endlessly grateful to him for saving Law, and they deeply worship the man as a result. And it’s because of that that they all so proudly wear the Jolly Roger that represents Cora-san’s smile on every piece of clothing they wear, and why they so proudly call themselves the Heart Pirates, which was named in honor of Cora-san and all that he symbolized to Law

[mentallyinwalmart]

‘Dear Thomas’

A follow up to my last fic, ‘Dear Liza’ 

in this one, you get those same events from the point of view of Daci and Thomas~

My Dearest Brother,

I know you only left a week ago, but I already miss you loads. I’m bummed you didn’t get to meet my flatmates, they are positively lovely, but I guess that’s what I get for moving in a week early just so you could help me :) One of my flatmates, I believe is related to your summer employer. Her name is Eliza Wadsworth and she is just wonderful. She says she has a cousin who goes to your school. Isn’t that funny? What a small world. I doubt you’ll see much of her, there are so many students at the school, I just thought it was a funny coincidence.

If I timed this right, this letter should be arriving the day of, or the day after your orientation. So, how was it? Tell me the three most interesting deductions you made.

As for my orientation, I spotted two people who clearly did not get along in high school shooting each other glares across the group, a professor who actively checked out his female students with his wife on his arm!!! And a girl who appeared to be pregnant, but hiding it. That was most interesting, because at first I thought she just had some sort of lower back pain, and that’s why she stood the way she did, but after a little bit, when she refused the champagne we were offered and kept shooting nervous glances at her parents, it all fell into place.

Love, your favorite sister,

Daciana Cresswell

Ps- have you seen Ileana? I miss her terribly and wonder how she’s holding up.

--

Dear Daci,

I have met both of Dr Wadsworth nieces before. I remember Liza as bubbly and kind, I’m surprised you in all your emo brooding like her so much. As for Audrey Rose (the other niece), I saw her today at orientation. Before you get some idea in your head about me remembering her for any superficial reason, I only recognized her because I saw her standing between Dr Wadsworth and the man I can only assume to have been her father.

I was preoccupied with your challenge while I was descending the stairs and ended up slipping and making quite a fool of myself. I couldn’t bring myself to go and greet Dr Wadsworth after that, so I stuck to the back of the group.

I have to say, Daci, you May have me bested with that girls secret pregnancy. My three best observations were that Dr Wadsworth lingered awfully close to miss Wadsworth, and doted on her more than her father. It was subtle, but I dare say he thinks of her as a daughter as well. I also noticed a girl I (correctly) assumed, to be Audrey Rose’s roommate recognize her at the very beginning of the orientation, and spend the first hour working up the nerve to go over and speak to her. And finally, dear sister, I noted that miss Wadsworth’s roommate was awfully preoccupied with her phone, glancing at it every five minutes, flushing slightly and quickly responding to messages she was receiving. I only assume she was talking to someone whose opinion she valued grately.

Did I mention, dear Daci, that Audrey Rose’s new roommate is none other than our old friend Ileana?

I don’t know whether I hope it was you she was texting or not.

Love always,

Your favorite brother

—

Dear Thomas,

I don’t even know where to start with you, you absolute scrub.

Of course it was me texting Ileana. Don’t even pretend you didn’t know. You’ve known her three odd years, I’m pretty sure you’ve mastered reading her. Can you blame me, Thomas? We broke up because we wanted to have the opportunity to grow at Uni and not be tied to one another, but it’s unbearable. You know more than anyone how wonderful she is.

As for Miss Wadsworth, you seem quite taken, at least with her appearance. I don’t think any amount of second-hand embarrassment would phase the stoic Dr Wadsworth (unless you’ve lied to me about him in his entirety), which leads me to deduce that you were mortified to go and speak to him after embarrassing yourself so profusely in front of his niece.

Don’t be an absolute fool about this Thomas, you can be a perfect gentlemen when you want to be, and I have no doubt you could easily charm Miss Wadsworth into bed (since I know for a fact you are not a relationship man).

Now, onto my favorite topic, us being reunited. Liza and I have decided to make a trip down from Paris to London so I might see you and she can see Audrey. So please, for the sake of our friendship, if you do sleep with Audrey, at least call her after? I’d be terribly inconvenienced if my favorite flatmate were to hate me by association.

Love you, and see you after midterms.

Daciana

Ps- you calling me emo and brooding is like the kettle calling the pot black.

—

Dear Daci,

How dare you reduce me to nothing more than a womanizer. You know for a fact I have never hooked up with someone and not called them. In fact, usually it’s others not calling me back. I am constantly being used for my body.

Besides, Miss Wadsworth, it would seem, can't stand me. So, I believe I’m far from charming her.

Ileana and I got coffee this afternoon, and she filled me in on the information you have been so selfishly withholding. She told me about the day you have planned when you “come to visit me” in a few weeks. Be honest, Daci, is missing me just an excuse for you to make the trip to see Illy on fathers dime?

I promise I won’t be mad, in fact, it’s actually a brilliant plan.

Miss Wadsworth is in my principle study group, and she is quite astute. I would say nearly as observant as you (though not half as gifted as I am, of course). However, in my prowess I seem to be only irritating her more. It is odd, really, to have someone not simply grateful to have me solve all the problems for them. She is just as hungry for answers, it would seem, as I am.

She is also in my Forensics class, but as yet to notice me. We’re well into the second week, and I worry I made her uncomfortable because today (against my better judgement) I took up the seat next to her.

Though she didn’t seem particularly happy, she didn’t seem too upset either.

I suppose I have to continue to sit next to her now, for it may be even more awkward for me to suddenly decide I no longer wished to be her seatmate.

See you in a few weeks, Daci.

-Thomas

—

My dearest brother/favorite human,

I can’t believe it took you this long to realize the only reason I would want to visit is to see Ileana. It is positively ridiculous to want to visit my baby brother and meet the woman who seems to have captured his attention.

Who knew all it would take is her not swooning at your every move.

Audrey Rose’s cousin Liza has yet caught on that you and I are siblings, and has been showing me the letters she exchanged with her. I almost feel bad, because i am seeing this relationship blossom from both sides and just want to get my hands dirty and give you a push.

Good luck with your endeavors, dear brother. See you soon.

Daci

—

Daci—

What do you mean “watching this relationship blossom from both sides”?

Does miss Audrey Rose have feelings for little old me? That would be awfully embarrassing for her, since she seems intent on despising me no matter how charming I am.

No matter how many times I make her laugh with a whispered joke or doodle in lecture, she seems intent on remaining stoic towards me in our study group.

This afternoon in said study group, she mentioned how drained she was from the day and how she didn’t have a break until after our night class. I have noticed that most days, she drinks a large cup of earl grey from the campus cafe, so I think I will bring her one to class.

Hopefully it will brighten her day to get a little attention from someone she so admires.

Speaking of people who admire us, how is Ileana? I trust you’re still speaking frequently since you haven’t yet cancelled your trip down to see "me”. As much as I joke, I hope you are being careful. I don’t want you to get here and find out the two of you are on different wavelengths about where this relationship is headed.

I love you sister, keep your heart safe.

-Thomas

—

My dear, lovesick Tommy,

I cannot believe you are so taken with Audrey Rose. I simply cannot!

I won’t waste words trying to tell you how to proceed, I know you won’t listen.

As for illy and I, to my knowledge we are both in the same place. Unless you know something I do not, it will be a joyous time when we are reunited in two weeks.

Audrey has discovered a pub she will apparently be dragging us to with some strange American musical phenomenon called “surfer punk”. It sounds positively ghastly, but then again, so did Paris when I first heard about it, and now I love it here.

Can’t wait to see the look on Liza’s face when she puts everything together, and the four of us get to go out together. That promises to be funny.

I love you, and miss you more than words,

Your very emo sister.

Ps- A certain someone happened to mention a certain cup of tea in her last letter. Perhaps you e finally found your in.

Love you double,

Daci <3

—

Dear Sister,

We were assigned a massive midterm assignment in forensics, and for some reason, I thought Audrey might ask me to work with her.

To my chagrin, she did not.

However, because you said that tea was my in, I showed up unannounced to her door with a massive cup, and all of my notes, and much to my pleasant surprise she did not kick me out.

The past few nights have been spent going over theories, and watching American sketch comedy during breaks. Audrey Rose is very partial to SNL, and told me I was missing a huuuuge opportunity to start every letter to you with “dear sister”. (I was skeptical, but look it up. The sketch is funny).

I can’t believe that even after I told her of my sister abroad I wrote to, she hasn’t come close to putting it together.

I am starting to enjoy her company far too much for my normal aloofness. If this gets back to Romania, it’ll positively ruin my brand. Her room always smells faintly like cashmere and flowers, I don’t know where it’s coming from, it is the strangest thing.

I am starting to worry slightly about what she might think when the other shoe drops. But I don’t know what to do. How do I tell her how connected our lives seem to be, without coming off as an ass for keeping it to myself for so long.

See you in six days,

Thomas

Ps- Illy has been insufferably excited for the weekend. There’s a little heart around Friday on her calendar.

Maybe we can have one big sleepover in her and Audrey Rose’s room!

your deviant brother,

Thomas

—

Thomas,

I am neck deep in work, and tragically do not have time to do the whole letter writing thing this week.

However, if there is a development with you and Audrey, I INSIST you text me immediately.

I know it is not as ridiculously posh as letter writing, but it’ll keep me in the know.

Love always,

Your ‘dear sister’

Ps- tell Audrey I loved that sketch, and that she is going to be my new best friend if she is as wonderful as you’ve made her out to be (which I am sure she is)

—

Tuesday at 7pm, Tommy‍‍‍‍👯‍♂️🧛🏻‍♀️ sent:

“Headed to Audrey’s. I’m starting to worry we’ll never crack this assignment”

Tuesday at 8pm, I sent:

“Aaaaa Sorry this response took so long, that’s so annoying, I want allllll your time this weekend (sorry ar)”

Tuesday at 10pm, I sent:

“How is it going?”

Tuesday at 11:28pm, Tommy👯‍♂️🧛🏻‍♂️ sent:

“can I call you?”

Tuesday at 11:31pm, I sent:

“What is going on Thomas, you never ring me?”

Tuesday at 11:31pm, Tommy‍👯‍♂️🧛🏻‍♂️sent:

“Is Liza in the room with you?”

Tuesday at 11:32pm I wrote:

“No, she is out on a date, why?”

Tuesday at 11:32pm, Tommy‍👯‍♂️🧛🏻‍♂️ rang me:

I lifted the phone to my ear,

“What is going on Tommy? You never ring me.”

“Swear you’re alone?”

“Yes, Christ Thomas I’m by myself.”

“Cat’s out of the bag.”

I paused for a long moment,

“Audrey knows?”

“Yes. Ileana walked in on her and I and then--”

But I cut him off before he can finish,

“Walked in on you two doing what, exactly?”

I could feel my voice rising as I asked, a grin spreading across my face as he stumbled over his words.

“Well we were working on our project, and then suddenly, she has this, stroke of brilliance and I just,”

He pauses and it takes everything I have not to scream a little bit.

“I kissed her, Daci, I was so, excited about the breakthrough that I reacted on impulse. I mean, I would’ve kissed anyone in that moment,”

He stumbles over a feeble explanation and I drum my fingers against the phone. Get to the good part.

“Well, I pulled away, but before I could explain myself, she was all over me. So we’re kissing, and it was like sparks were bursting in my chest when suddenly, Ileana is at the door. So naturally we get off of each other and greet Ileana. Of course, Illy greets me like she normally does, and the ever astute Audrey Rose catches on. I didn’t know what else to do so I left Ileana to explain things.”

There is a long pause, and I can hear him clearing his throat. I don’t know what to say, and the line hangs in silence. If I were in Audrey’s shoes, I can’t figure out whether or not I would be angry.

“Thomas I don’t think she’ll be too angry. It may have been better had you not left so abruptly but--” But now it is his turn to cut me off.

“Someone’s at the door, love you, call you later.”

He hangs up before I have the chance to say anything else.  

Wednesday at 12:45am, I sent:

“Hello? Did you die in the last hour?”

Wednesday at 1:13am, I sent:

“Thomasssssss”

Wednesday at 2:07am, I sent:

“I’m going to bed. I will assume you are knocking boots, rather than the more grim possibility that you finally pissed off the wrong person and have been murdered. Love you, call me tomorrow.”

Wednesday at 3:06am, Tommy‍ 👯‍♂️🧛🏻‍♂️sent:

“AR came up to my room. Thought she would be angry but turns out she just wanted to finish up our project (and another taste of my lips). We have a date tomorrow night, and if all goes well, she will (hopefully) be with me when I pick up you and Liza from the train station.”

Wednesday at 8:45am, I sent:

“I can’t wait to meet her in person, and to get the full rundown on your date. Hope you slept well :)”

~~~

Hope you guys enjoyed!! I have at least one more fic planned for this mini series (spoiler alert, its Thomas and AR’s date)

Let me know if you want to be added to my tag list for my fics :)

[made-in-the-hallway]

Problematic feelings

Word count: 2.083

Requested: Yes

Warnings: Angst and tiny cries.

What’s up fam? I know it has been soooooo long since the last time I published a piece of writing but I felt the need to write wash over me so here I am! This was requested so I got down to fullfill that request! I haven’t proofread that so I am sorry for any typos! Also, I am not very sure of this one but I hope you like it! Feedback is very much appreciated and requests are open too! Without further a due, enjoy! (Picture’s not mine / Masterlist)...

Life had always been somewhat easy for me. That doesn’t mean that it never had its downs as well, but in total, the happy times and the happy memories, outnumbered the bad ones. Someone would assume that I am silly or even insane for thinking like that. But it is the ultimate truth. And I couldn’t be more appreciative of the little but of the big things that came my way as well.

Since I was little, my family was my safe place and they would always be there for me no matter what. It was something that always fascinated me and it was the main reason why I looked up to my parents as well. They were the happiest and the funniest people anyone would ask for to be in their lives. They made it their priority to look after me and make me a rational and most importantly a joyful human being.

As the years were passing by, my parents’ demeanor didn’t change in the slightest bit. Not even my dad’s, even when I brought Harry over to meet him. Harry and I had met at a Uni lesson, Algebra I reckon. We instantly hit it off and we would hang out almost on a daily basis. His presence always placed a smile on my face and warmth in my heart without him even trying. I was amazed at the simplicity of his actions and the importance they carried with them, for they made my day every day.

Harry was too thankful for having me around. At first, he had noticed how closed off I was and he made everything in his power to change that. He would randomly insert a funny comment in our conversation, without it really being relevant. But it did make me more comfortable around him. Then, he would nudge my shoulder when the teacher we both despised would walk into the classroom and I would stifle a laugh because we didn’t want to be expelled.

Anyone watching us would suppose that we were a proper couple. Oh how I wish. I’m not gonna lie. Harry was charming and all but what really made me fall for him so quickly was his personality. I know this sounds cliché as hell, but I can’t state otherwise. Just the way he saw things and his optimism worked like a strong magnet for me, pushing me towards him without stopping. At the time, I knew I was screwed, because I deeply understood that those feelings I had developed for him were one-sided. He never really rubbed it in my face that he hadn’t taken a liking in me, but he never confessed he liked me either.

So things between us were stable; at least for a month or so. There were times when I wouldn’t hear from Harry for almost two weeks. The time we spent apart was tearing me apart and no matter how many texts and voicemails I would leave to his cell phone, they were all sent in vain. The situation changed when he appeared on my doorstep – after 36 days of absence- clarifying that we needed talk. At first, I was scared he wanted to call it quits with me and just leave me be. 

But the complete opposite happened. He confessed that I was on his mind from the very first day his eyes landed on me and that he wanted to risk our friendship in order to become something more. This had to be the best day of life. Just thinking about it, makes me feel all the butterflies I felt at that time. So, we continued being together even after our graduation. My parents were ultimately glad for Harry. I mean, how couldn’t they? He was sweet with their daughter, he would always lend a hand when needed and most importantly, he never took advantage of my parents’ hospitality.

Things changed for the better when he proposed though. It wasn’t anything over the top, but it was over the top for me. The boy I had been fantasizing about since day one was on one knee asking me to be his wife. Maybe that was the best day of my life along with the day we were informed by our doctor that we were expecting twins. We were happily petrified. We wanted kids of course, but we had never done that before. How could we make it? Would we make good parents? How would we be able to afford such a lifestyle? Those were questions voiced to Harry by me, making my uneasiness and fears visible to him.

“As long as we’re together, nothing should make us feel afraid”, Harry had commented and that was all I needed; Harry to be there for me; for us. Ever since, he never left my side. He was there even when he needn’t be. Sometimes, he would exaggerate and be worried for the both of us. Deep down, I knew this was all I needed. A family with the man I always loved and a home to protect this affection from the vicious eyes.

But who knew that this affection would be threatened by the only people I would never suspect? Me and Harry. After the twins were born, difficulties and problems started to arise and they made us isolate ourselves from each other. I hated that. I thought we would never be hit by misery and sadness and that our family would be lovingly bonded till the end of time. Maybe, my life had been way too good to me and now it was time I dealt with its nasty face like everybody else did.

Fights with Harry have become a routine by now. Maybe his busy schedule is taking an ugly toll on him that he can’t control. Maybe I am tired of him throwing tantrums at any given moment. Maybe I don’t want our children to be raised in an unfriendly environment like this. Whatever the reason, Harry and I never bottled up our thoughts and emotions and we always took it out on the other. Just like right now.

Lips pursed, hands fisted, eyes burning and words sharper than knives were a usual sight for him. So it shouldn’t be much of a surprise for me as well.

“Harry please stop shouting! I just put the kids to bed for God’s sake!”

“Oh now I can’t even talk, right? Do I need yehr permission to do tha’ as well?” Harry’s tendency to exaggerate was enough to send me over the edge and forget all about my infidelity and my kids’ napping. 

“That is nonsense and you bloody know it! You never needed my permission to do anything! If you think that asking for my opinion on things, which is absolutely normal for couples and families, is wrong, then this is highly childish of you!”

“So yeh think tha’ I am a child then! How brilliant! I just can’t believe yeh said yes to marry a child!”

“You know I value our marriage and our family more than my own life Harry! What is wrong with you anyways? You always have my word for my loyalty and devotion to this family of ours but you just pay no attention to it!”

“Don’t even think about accusing me of not loving yeh or my children!” Harry’s blood was boiling by now and if there was a minor possibility to control his temper before, now there was none.

“If you loved and cherished me Harry then we wouldn’t be shouting at this time of night. We wouldn’t even be questioning each other’s feelings. But maybe y-“

“Maybe wha’? Maybe I don’t want yeh? Is tha’ wha’ yeh were goin’ to say?” Harry had taken a few steps towards me and my eyes were started to be blurry when a tiny cry from up the stairs had me frozen in place. 

Our older daughter, Emmy, was holding her teddy bear close to her small figure and she wore a disheartened  face that I swear it ripped my heart in two. Without wasting another minute, I rushed to her side and she desperately tried to get a hold of me like I were going to abandon her or disappear into thin air. Harry stood in front of the sofa, with his face buried in his hands and his heart fallen to his guts if not the floor of our home. I couldn’t believe we made our daughter believe her parents didn’t love her anymore or they didn’t love each other.

“Baby it is ok. Shhhh… I promise” I tried my best to soothe her and I felt her cries die down a bit. Instantly, I let out a big breath I didn’t even know I was holding and I absentmindedly started rubbing her back and planting small kisses on her small hands.

“Dadda doesn’t lov- love us anymore momma?” she tried to say but her hiccup got in the way. Just when those words fell from her lips, my face was quick to turn to Harry’s side. I was somewhat relieved to see that our daughter’s words had shaken him up a bit and made him come to his senses. That must mean he still feels something; if not for me, then for our kids at least.

He was quick to come to our side and place us inside of his embrace. Truth be told, I never felt safer in my entire life. Just when his arms tied around us, I felt protected. I felt like this black bubble of shouting and menace couldn’t absorb us. Emmy by the way, had stopped crying and she cherished her dad’s hug by wrapping her tiny arms around his neck and him lifting her up to meet his eyes.

“Don’t ever, ever assume tha’ Dadda doesn’t love yeh… Okay princess?” Harry reassured her and she moved her head. If only things were so easy. I had to remind myself that my conflict with Harry was far from over and we had yet to put an end to this. The only thing stopping me from it is my lack of energy. I was beyond tired and fed up with fighting with him. I just want everything to fall into place once again and stay this way for as long as we both remain married.

“Let’s put yeh to sleep now. Princesses need their precious sleep, don’t they?” Harry joked and Emma chuckled. He had a way to make things right; with his kids. I had made my way to our bedroom by then and I was preparing myself with what was coming. 

Half an hour later, I heard the door of the room cracking, signaling that Harry was in the room as well. No one said a word, letting the awkward silence consume us and leave us longing for a single reassurance; that nothing was lost yet. I found it completely ironic to be met with desperation and a heavy breathing around Harry when in the past he was the one who fought with those demons.

“What happened to us Harry?” I was the first to break the thick ice between us for it needed to be broken.

“Life I guess…” he dully replied and my heart fell to the floor. I needed to steady my mind, or else the burden of this situation would flip me over in a matter of seconds. 

“I am willing to chase life and not let it get in-between. But I can’t if I am alone in this”

“Wha’ do yeh mean Y/N?” he turned to face me and I could have sworn that I saw hope in his eyes. A burning hope to push that restart button together. A burning hope to make it right. Again.

“I mean that I am willing to start it all over. To be happy again. To leave those arguments behind and only look back to them to remind ourselves that we can be better than that. I am willing to give it a try and remind ourselves that our love is here to stay for good. I just need to know one thing Harry” I truthfully said and the look Harry gave me was enough for me to muster up all the courage and hope I had left in me in order to ask him two words. Even though I didn’t have a single clue what his answer would be or where we would be standing after this.

“Are you?”

[violetsandloveletters]

If someone tells you a really juicy gossip right now, would you pass it on? Well apart from the fact that it’s 2:20am, no. I mean, I tell my best mate everything but like I have no energy for gossip of any sort right now. What’s one song you can’t stop listening to right now? Nothing, I went through a day of loving Billie Eilish Ocean Eyes but all in all I find music a huge trigger for me unless i’m listening with someone else. Do you have index cards in your room right now? No. Do you have an attic? No. What was the last song you sang out loud to? Me & D watched a lot of films this weekend so was either something from Les Mis or Labryinth.

Have you ever lived in the country before? Nah. Do you drink coffee everyday? Never had coffee, I hate the smell. Have you ever had mice in your house? No, never in mine. My mum has though which is so gross & also my best mate had them in her uni house when she was there YEARS ago & she found a dead one in her favourite Doc Martens :(. Have you ever stayed in a suite? Don’t think so. Do you take good pictures? Don’t know really, I do of Hades. Do you remember names or faces better? Probably faces. Do you enjoy working with animals? I worked as a receptionist at a vet last year & I loved it but the job was too emotional. 

Have you ever been in a tornado or hurricane? No, don’t think we get them here?! Do you have any bookmarks in your internet browser? If so, how many? Only Open University atm I think. Have you ever seen any movie version of Romeo and Juliet? Yes, the really old one & then the one with Leonardo DiCaprio is one of my favourite films, he is delicious in it too. In your opinion, which decade has the best hairstyle? Fuck knows haha, this one, love 50′s & 80′s too though (yes I just Googled it) ha.. If you’re in a competition, are you in it to win it or just for the fun? I’m not competitive at all so i’d only compete if I knew I could win. Do you have winter, spring, summer, and fall where you live? Yeah but we call fall autumn. Is the computer you’re using a desktop or laptop? Laptop. Do you know anyone in the military right now? No. What’s your favorite show on Comedy Central? Not sure, don’t often watch it. Though i’ve just gone on my Now Tv app & apparently Ru Paul’s Drag Race is on there so that :). How old is the oldest person you know? What a weird question, no idea. Have you ever had braces? Yeah. Is there a TV show right now that you just can’t miss an episode of? Teen Mom OG & Teen Mum UK are like my only sit down things on at the moment, American Horror Story will be when it comes out too. Tbh I love Youtube so I could name you many a Youtuber I can’t miss a video of. Which love story would you want your life to turn out like? Romeo & Juliet haha, that’s how it feels at the moment anyway... Do you usually go to sleep before or after the people you’re living with? It’s always been after with D but i’m living alone right now so. Are you into ripped jeans? Yeah I prefer them tbh. Do you watch the Discovery Channel? Yeah I love it. Have you ever wanted to live in the Playboy mansion? Only for that cave in the swimming pool they have but nah, I couldn’t think of anything worse than living in a huge house with a fuck tonne of people. Would you ever name your child after someone famous? Unless they happen to have a nature name that I wanna name my future kid, no. Have you ever participated in a car wash for charity? No. Which band has the best name, in your opinion? No idea. Do kids often knock on your door on Halloween? Nah, I live in a flat anyway. But I think in the UK there’s an unwritten rule that unless the house is decorated/has a pumpkin outside, you don’t knock, us British don’t like it as much as the Americans. Which one of your exes do you feel like you have the most chemistry with? I only have chemistry with my actual bf funny enough. Do you like where your house is located? I loved it at first but now I FUCKING despise it & want to move ASAP. What’s the best hotel you’ve been to? The Intercontinental near the 02 Arena in London or the Newport Bay CLub at Disneyland Paris. Are you into designer clothes? Not really, I prefer higher end/designer jewellery. Have you ever watched the show How I Met Your Mother? Yeah but never really got into it. Do you share the same political views as your parents? No. How often do you eat chocolate? Not really that often, it goes through phases, i’m more of a cake person.

Did you have a good day yesterday? Absolutely not, my mental health couldn’t get worse if I tried unless I actually tried to OD or something. What about today? How has your day been so far? It’s now 2:54am & im too anxious to fall asleep so yeaaa greaaat. Do you think tomorrow will be enjoyable for you? Hell no, iv’ve been dreading tomorrow for months. How many pairs of earphones do you own? 3 maybe? Wireless over ear headphones for bed, random Apple ones that come with the phone & then Skullcandy ones in my bag. What colour are the earphones you use the most? Black.

Who is your favourite person to have a deep conversation with? There’s a few people, but I find it so hard sometimes. Do you remember what you had for lunch yesterday? I didn’t as I was asleep. Who/what has been on your mind the most today? D & his drinking & his mum, money, wether I should move or not, general triggers of depression & anxiety, the fact that stress delayed my period 4 days which means it’s more painful than ever, the general desire to want to die but not trusting anyone with Hades- I reckon I could reel off 100+ points if I wanted lol. Does/did the last person you text messaged go to the same school as you? Yeah. What kind of personality are you attracted to? I literally don’t have a type, I like what I like & that is it. Is there anything worrying you? If so, have you talked to anyone about it? Yeah, i’m worried about D & his drinking, he went back to his mums & he was very sick & had to go to the hospital so I need to talk to her about it but i’m sure because he was here she’ll blame me but she has no idea how hard I tried to sober him up this weekend & what that situation is likek from my point because he’s never let me talk to her about it but it’s now at the point where I have too in order for him to get better. Have you ever liked someone that your friend also liked? Nah. When was the last time you were asked out? Did you accept or decline? D 5 years ago & obviously I said yes lol. Which one of your friends would you say you’re most similar to? My best mate Tash is honestly so similar yet so opposite to me it’s weird. We’ll be in a shop & go round it being like ‘I don’t like this but you will’ but emotionally we are so similar, she is much stronger than me as a person though for sure. What colour are the eyes of the last person you held hands with? Brown. What colour was the last lipstick you put on? Nude color. Have you ever worn lipstick in an unusual colour, like black or blue? I have Anastasia Beverly Hills ‘Midnight’ which is black & ‘Griffin’ which is grey but like way greyer than Mac ‘Stone’ but I wear the Mac one the most. Is it possible to be “just friends” with someone you had feelings for? Idk. Is there someone of the opposite sex that you can talk to about anything? Somewhat. What did your last Facebook status say? How many likes/comments did it get? No idea, I literally never go on it. Are you looking forward to anything? Death. The last time you cried, what was wrong? Everything was wrong & about an hour ago. Should you be doing something else right now? Sleeping. What time is it? 3:14am. What’s today’s date? 13.09.2019 What do you like the most about your own appearance? My boobs. What do you like the most about your own personality? That im selfless af & how caring I am.