#i miss my mp3 these last 7 years without it have sucked I miss my designated music device

[mokeonn]

I think the frustrating thing about Spotify recommendations is sometimes it really does introduce me to lots of cool Indie Bands that I really vibe with and allow me to try some new stuff and sometimes it keeps telling me that I need to Listen to Mother Mother (I have not listened to Mother Mother ever and at this point I never will because it is a pride thing.)

Or a random unfunny tiktok joke song from 3 years ago/ a viral YouTube song from over a decade ago.

[lovemesomesurveys]

[yourheaventonight]

Where have you been all my life? I’ve always been right here.

Can you recite the Greek alphabet backwards? Nope. Or at all.

What social networks are you a part of? Like every main one.

Which of your fields of interest are you a total expert on? I’m not a total expert on anything.

What is one thing you will never understand? Why I’m like this.

Do you blog? This is it.

What was the last movie you watched? Godzilla vs Kong.

^Would you recommend it? Yeah, I enjoyed it. Admittedly, I was mainly interesting for Alexander Skarsgard, but I did think the movie was good.

With whom did you share your last awkward moment? My life is an awkward moment.

When was the last time you got all dolled up? It’s been yearsss.

Gimme yer best shot and insult me. Go ahead. Uh, no.

What do you think makes a person attractive? Physical attributes, certainly, but personality traits and who they are as a person makes a person attractive to me as well. Even more so.

Out of everyone you know, who has the worst taste in music? I don’t think anyone I know has bad taste in music, I share a lot of the same music taste.

^How about the best? ^^^

Can guys REALLY pull off skinny jeans? They can wear whatever they want.

What is one thing you missed out on that you wish you hadn't? I missed out on a lot of my 20s I feel like, it feels like a complete blur. I don’t know what happened to them. And now I’m in my 30s and I feel like I’m missing out on those, too. Just life, in general for the past several years. Everyone around is me is doing things and living life and I’m just wasting away.

What was the last thing/place you decorated? My room for Christmas.

Have you just recently started listening to any new bands? No. It’s been a long time since I’ve discovered any new bands.

How many windows/tabs are open on your computer right now? Two windows, 7 tabs.

Would you rather date someone really skinny or really overweight? I want to date someone based on other things. 

Let me in on a little secret of yours. Nah.

What is one habit you had as a child? Nail biting/picking. 

^Do you still have that habit today? Sigh, yes.

Is there someone you wish you were closer with? Yes.

^What's stopping you from being closer with them? I’ve been so distant and withdrawn from everyone.

Besides air, what was the last thing you inhaled? The scent of my ramen earlier.

Which point in life do you think is hardest? (i.e. childhood, adulthood...) For me it’s been the past few years.

How was life going for you, say, six months ago? Not well.

^Is that the same as today, or have things changed? Things have changed, but not in a good way.

Who was the last person to make you frown? It’s been things I’m struggling with doing that, not a person.

^Was anyone able to turn that frown upside-down? No.

What was the last non-papery substance you drew on? I have no idea.

What is one thing you wish you had the courage to do? Get certain things checked out and taken care of that I’ve put off for too long.

Which is bigger: Your iTunes library or your CD collection? My iTunes collection was definitely better. I haven’t used iTunes since like 2012, though, and I don’t have any CDs anymore.

What is your one true weakness? I’m just weak.

When is the last time you had hot chocolate? It’s been a couple years.

Composition notebooks or spiral notebooks? Why? Spiral. I just like them better.

What is the most bizarre compliment you've ever received? That I looked pretty for someone with polio. I don’t have polio, but they assumed I did just because I’m in a wheelchair. Also, what does that even mean? “For someone with polio.” Wtf?

Do you identify more with guys or girls? I think I relate more to girls.

When someone you know is sad, how do you go about cheering them up? I kinda suck at that and don’t know what to do or say.

Has someone ever accused you of not being creative enough? I say that about myself. I lack creativity or any artistic ability. 

Starbucks coffee or Dunkin Donuts coffee? I’ve only had Dunkin’s coffee a few times, but I’ve had Starbucks countless times and I do like it, so I’ll go with that. I do wish I had a Dunkin where I live cause apart from the donuts, I’ve heard they do have good brewed coffee.

Do you crack under peer pressure? Yepppp. And it doesn’t take much.

What do you think deserves more attention than it already gets? Hmm.

What song never fails to get stuck in your head? Songs I hear in commercials.

Who is your favorite vocalist? Why? Chester Bennington is one. His voice was incredible.

What is your most overused emoticon? This one: 😬 Do you ever name objects? (i.e. mp3 players, guitars, cars, etc.) Nah.

When was the last time you had a bagel? Hm. It’s been awhile, actually. I don’t even remember. Can you lick your own elbow? No.

What time during the day/night is your mind most active? At night when I’m up alone.

What color ink does your favorite pen have? I have a nice set of colorful pens that I really like.

What was the last thing you licked? My lips.

Who was the last person in your bed besides yourself? Just me. Can you touch your tongue to your nose? No.

What flavor mouthwash do you use? I don’t. Mouthwash irritates my mouth.

What tends to distract you most? I just find myself zoning out a lot. Like, someone will be talking to me and I feel myself getting overwhelmed quite easily and drift out and it doesn’t mean they’re boring or talking about heavy things (sometimes they are). I get like sensory overload. Or I’ll just be sitting in bed and zone out.

Is the perfect man or woman a myth? Yes. No one is perfect.

How do you feel about Bob Marley? I like a couple songs.

What's your favorite fairy tale? I liked reading or listening to all of them when I was growing up. <<<

Do you know who Tom Jones is? Yes.

Tell me one fact you know about horses (without using Google). They have manes.

When was the last time you had to walk up or down stairs? Well, never since I’m in a wheelchair.

Tell me one unique quality about your own handwriting. My handwriting is shit.

What daily chore do you secretly enjoy? I don’t enjoy any type of cleaning.

Has a child ever asked you a question you found difficult to answer? Definitely. Kids ask a lot of questions about everything and anything.

Name five books you've read in the past year. I’ve read a ton more than that, but I’ll give you the latest 5: Cold Highway, Cold Threat, Cold Hunt, Cold Truth, and To Die For.  You can probably tell the first 4 are by the same author, Mary Stone. The last one is by Willow Rose.

^Are any of those books your favorite? I’ve enjoyed ‘em all. I’ve read a lot of books from both authors.

Are you a person that enjoys re-reading books? I don’t re-read books, actually. 

Which hobby is the lamest: stamp collecting or spoon collecting? I wouldn’t call either of them lame just cause it might not be something I’m personally interested in. Those bring some people joy.

What do you daydream about most often? My mind wanders off to random stuff, stuff I’m dealing with, stuff I’m anxious and stressed out about, etc.

Why is your favorite band your favorite band? I’ve listened to them since middle school, so we have a lot of history. I really just connect and relate to their lyrics and I love their music.

Do you have a favorite talk show host? Nah.

What do you wish you could afford at the moment? A beach home with my own private beach area. 

What is the most unusual color you've ever painted your nails? I can’t think of any “unusual” colors that I’ve painted them. 

Which sounds the most refreshing: a hot shower or a cold one? I always take hot showers.

Have you ever made your own soap? No.

What's your favorite popsicle flavor? Not a popsicle fan.

Can you sleep with socks on? Yeah, I always have socks on.

When was the last time you were pissed beyond belief and why? I’ve been frustrated and pissed with some things I’ve been dealing with lately. 

Name a band with the word 'red' in their title. Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Do you have a favorite candle brand? I’m not a candle person. I just go for the room sprays.

How many years until you turn 38? 6. D:

What is your opinion on taxidermy? I find it super creepy and weird.

Would you ever want to own a body part in a jar? Uh, no.

What is the worst thing you have ever done to your own hair? Let it get really knotted up. :/

What do you think makes you a good girlfriend or boyfriend? Nothing.

What qualities of yours do you think could potentially harm a relationship? I’m a total mess, I wouldn’t make a good girlfriend. 

How often do you indulge in a favorite food from your childhood? I eat ramen regularly.

Have any of your childhood habits carried over into adolescence/adulthood? My damn nail picking habit. 

What is the nicest thing you've done for someone else in the past 24 hours? Nothing.

What sort of conditions do you require in order for you to fall asleep? It needs to be cool and I have to have the TV on.

What is the first band that comes to mind when I say 'dark'? Uhhh.

Do you have a favorite punk band? Green Day.

As far as relationships go, what are your biggest deal-breakers? Abuse and cheating. <<<

Be honest: do looks really matter to you? They’re like a bonus to me. <<<

Congratulations! Someone sent you flowers! What kind do you hope they are? I’m not picky, just a pretty assortment perhaps would be nice.

What type of underwear do you personally prefer to wear? Hipsters.

What is the grossest chore you've ever been assigned? Nothing gross.

What band (BESIDES IRON MAIDEN) comes to mind when I say 'iron'? I got nothin. 

Have you ever done something simply because you were of age? I had to go out and buy alcohol the day I turned 21.

Do you think it's worth it to tell someone you had feelings for them when you don't have them anymore? Wait, tell them I used to have feelings for them but don’t anymore? If I don’t anymore then why tell them about when I used to? Unless of course we were in a relationship and I no longer felt that way.

What color shirts do you tend to buy most often? Black.

Have you ever done something you once thought you'd be too chicken to do? Yeah.

Where would you rather go: Portland, Oregon or Portland, Maine? Portland, Oregon.

Name a band that begins with the letter Y. Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Tell me about someone who has made a huge impact in your life. My mom most definitely has.

What can I usually find you doing at 4pm on a weekday? At that time any day I’m likely still sleeping.

What's a food you love but don't get to eat very often? I only eat the same few foods, so I eat them quite often. Like, I eat Wingstop 3-4 times a week...

Do you dot your lowercase i's? Yes.

What's the first song on your iPod/mp3 player that comes up under P? I use Spotify on my phone for music, but anyway nah I don’t feel like doing that. 

Do the words 'Amon' and 'Amarth' mean anything to you? No.

What's your favorite mythical being? I don’t really have a favorite.

Don't you hate surveys that end abruptly? As long as the question itself isn’t cut off, which I’ve seen, or it’s a numbered one and a question is completely missing then I don’t care.

Let's end this survey with a smile; tell me something funny. I’m not in a good mood to think of something funny right now.

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2016

I think everyone will agree that 2016 had “Impending Doom” written all over it, and as a result a lot of pop music became very depressed very quickly, and as such, I’m less enthusiastic about this list than some of the previous ones.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

For a year that was so cataclysmic worldwide, 2016 was pretty mundane for me, so let’s just skip to the albums that came out that year and which I consider relevant to my tastes. Obviously (and unfortunately) there was David Bowie with Black Star. We should have known we had jumped right into the Worst Timeline when the year started with the death of Bowie. Nine Inch Nails also released Not The Actual Events, which was pretty good, and as I said previously I consider Coldplay’s A Head Full of Dreams to be more of a 2016 than a 2015 album. And then there was the biggest surprise of all, the return of Enigma after eight years of silence, with the very good Fall Of A Rebel Angel (even if A Posteriori is still my favorite “modern” Enigma album). EDIT: I forgot Ghostlights by Avantasia. Took me YEARS to listen to it & realise how good it was.

But no. Surprisingly enough, my favorite album of the year wasn’t any of those. It was... oh god, that title. Here we go. It was I Like It When You Sleep for You Are So Beautiful yet So Unaware of It by The 1975 - which I like to call “The 1975′s second album” instead, because what the hell, guys. Anyway. It had been a while since I had found a new band I’d consider to be one of my favorite bands. I really liked Chocolate from their previous album but that was it. But this one? What a breath of fresh air. A Change of Heart, She’s American, Please Be Naked, The Ballad Of Me And My Brain, Somebody Else, The Sound, This Must Be My Dream? That’s only the songs I listened to on a loop and that’s already nearly half of the album. Great music, love the vocals, but I especially love the writing, full of strange and awkward details and lines that make everything feel so alive. The first time I listened to some of these songs, some lines actually got a chuckle out of me, like the American girl wanting the narrator to fix his teeth, or him hopping on a bus to ask the passengers if someone found his brain, or his girlfriend complaining about his shoes and his songs then immediately adding “I thought that you were straight, now I’m wondering”.

As someone who’s constantly puzzled by human relationships and tends to act super awkwardly, all of this is extremely relatable. So yeah. Album of the year, love this band - impatiently waiting for that fourth album!

As far as unelligible songs go, as you can guess I’m furious The Sound (The 1975) wasn’t a hit because I was and I’m still listening to it on a loop. And that’s about it. Wait there’s also Kids by One Republic. It was super good. Apart from that, there’s also one (1) elligible song that I’m gonna put on the 2017 list instead because I really struggled to find enough songs I liked for that list, and that particular one is elligible for 2016 thanks to the French year-end list and 2017 thanks to the US year-end list, so eh.

Time for some honorable mentions.

This Girl (Kungs vs Cookin’ on Three Burners) - Number one of the year here. Every time I heard it (and I heard it a lot) I enjoyed it until that wretched drop.

Fast Car (Jonas Blue ft Dakota) - Not a good cover, but I love the original so much I’d be lying if I said I hated this completely.

Sucker for Pain (Lil Wayne & Imagine Dragons) - No, that slow, heavy, tortured beat that all recent Imagine Dragons songs have doesn’t work on topics like being a natural at something, being a believer, or describing thunder. It does work, however, with a chorus saying “I'm just a sucker for pain”.

Cheap Thrills (Sia ft Sean Paul) - Sean Paul, and a song about having fun without any money. Everything I want from an average hit song on the radio.

In the Night (The Weeknd) - This would be much higher if I didn’t find The Weeknd’s upper register slightly painful to listen to.

J’ai Cherché (Amir) - Hey look, the guy France sent to Eurovision that year. He’s still around, too. He’s pretty good, and that song is super cute.

Ride (21 Pilots) - Not the last time they will appear on this list.

Je Suis Chez Moi (Black M) - Pretty good song about racism, and the singer explicitly calls out a far right political figure who said some pretty terrible shit about him, and it’s a good answer.

Perfect (One Direction) - This is just Style by Taylor Swift all over again except slightly less good. But as I said before, copying good songs isn’t always a bad thing.

Human (Rag’n’bone Man) - Would definitely be on the list if listening to it didn’t feel like working.

Into You (Ariana Grande) - The last cut. The ending is wonderful and explosive, it’s just a shame that the entire song doesn’t sound like that.

And now... the list.

10 - Stressed Out (21 Pilots)

US: #5 / FR: #9

Defining song of the entire year, whether you liked it or not.

Fortunately, as you can see, I liked it a lot, even if I don’t have anything interesting to say about it.

9 - Don’t Be So Shy (Imany, Filatov & Karas remix)

US: Not on the list / FR: #2

I often joked that the melody sounded weirdly similar to Goldman’s “Envole-moi” by singing the lyrics of the verses over the Don’t Be So Shy verses, and it fits nearly perfectly. But apart from that, great song, great remix, very overplayed but never to the point of being annoying.

8 - I Took A Pill In Ibiza (Mike Posner)

US: #15 / FR: #29

There’s nothing I could say about this song that Todd hasn’t said before in what I consider to be one of his best reviews, if not the best, so here it is.

7 - Heathens (21 Pilots)

US: #21 / FR: #23

Super ominous and tense. It’s rare when a mostly grey song looks interesting, and this one definitely does. I also like the ending a lot. Don’t hang out with too many toxic people, guys, they will influence you over time.

I had no idea this was made for the Suicide Squad movie until very recently and frankly I wish it hadn’t because it’s way better on its own, especially the hand grenade line which works a lot better as a metaphor for self-destructive tendencies.

6 - Starboy (The Weeknd)

US: #58 / FR: #16

As I said before it took me ages to like The Weeknd. His voice is great but I found most of his songs fairly boring or disliked their lyrics. And then he teamed up with Daft Punk and to be honest, I didn’t even care if the lyrics of this one included weird lines about drugs on furniture, the beat was completely worth it and the singing was great. Not enough to put it on my mp3 playlist, but a delight every time it was on the radio.

5 - Faded (Alan Walker)

US: Not on the list / FR: #11

I adore this post-apocalyptic, contemplative music video. The music itself has this weariness and this quiet despair that felt super relevant, and even the drop is a bit slow instead of energetic. I usually don’t like this kind of song but this one found the perfect balance. If we really need to have more sad, exhausted hit songs, more like this, please.

4 - Closer (The Chainsmokers)

US: #10 / FR: Not on the list

I usually don’t like love songs if they are just that, random love songs without a good melody or good colors or good stories. If the melody isn’t particularly great and the colors boring, it needs to paint an interesting picture, and the more details the better, even if they are super awkward, like, as I said previously, in some of The 1975′s best songs mentioning bad shoes, or people’s jobs, or how a car smells like.

So yeah, what I’m trying to say is that my favorite thing about this song is the over-abundance of weird and kind of off-putting details that most people consider to be its main flaw. To each their own, I guess.

3 - Never Forget You (Zara Larsson & MNEK)

US: #46 / FR: Not on the list

See, this is one of the reasons why I decided to make these lists: to find great stuff I missed over the years. I discovered this song while making the 1.0 version of the lists on a google sheet in early December, and now this has a spot on my mp3 player. And it’s so weird because this song shouldn’t work. The drop is ridiculously lifeless compared to the soaring quality of the chorus and it actively works against the rest of the song. It takes a while to get used to it and I’m still not entirely sure it does work, at all.

But what can I say, framing is, once again, everything, and songs about imaginary friends are super rare, and that music video made me cry and catapulted this song from “that’s pretty good” right into the “holy shit that’s fantastic” category. And it made me rewatch Where The Wild Things Are, so yeah.

2 - Perfect Strangers (Jonas Blue)

US: Not on the list / FR: #70

This, on the other hand, stayed on my mp3 player for about two years, and the music fits the lyrics perfectly. It’s not a groundbreaking song, it’s not even that original, but in such an average year for pop music, “happy energetic song with beautiful colors and nice lyrics” meant the world to me. It’s kind of telling that it was enough to put it as high as #2, though.

1 - Hymn For the Weekend (Coldplay ft Beyoncé)

US: #73 / FR: Not on the list

And with this, Coldplay has officially topped as many of my lists as Linkin Park. If, back when The Scientist dropped, you had told me how much I would love this band in the future, I would have laughed pretty hard, but here we are.

But yeah, it’s one of my favorite songs on the album and it’s a super weird combo of heavy and aerial sounds, soft and super colorful notes, and I love the lyrics that completely mirror that feeling, feeling “drunk and high", “poured on a symphony when I’m low, low, low”. A great party song that’s also strangely melancholic. Exactly what I needed.

And then the Seeb remix happened and added a truely fantastic drop on top of an already great song, like turning the saturation up and adding little pulsing lights and transparency effects and shit. It’s sincerely hypnotic and visually so complex and fragile I’m afraid I won’t be able to draw it if I ever attempt to turn it into a synesthesia drawing. Just like A Sky Full of Stars, I was driving the first time I heard that remix on the radio, and I wasn’t expecting that drop at all, and I was gawking.

Godspeed, Coldplay, I’m so glad you’re still a positive force in my life, especially in these trying times.

Next up: Oh my god are you telling me that after 15 years I can finally put a song from that other band at the top of one of my lists

[im-invisible-erased]

Very Old Story...

Misconceptions of Life

 By Ashley

Freak, loser, bitch, slut.  I’ve heard them all before and this school will be no different.  Every school I’ve been to tells the same story, just change the faces and the names.  This is my third high school, and I am only in the 10th grade.  I just hope I can lie low here.  I can’t take the treatment that I had at my last two schools.  Letting out a long drawn out sigh I shut off my beaten down, old 79 Chevy Silverado truck and slam the door.  The duct tape holding the mirror comes loose and falls on the pavement.  F my life, seriously?  Why did I get stuck with this piece of junk?  Mumbling a few choice curse words under my breath I gingerly pick up the side mirror and inspect it for cracks; it was fine.  I put the mirror in the bed of the truck and walked through the deserted student parking lot.  I was 45 minutes early; I walked in the school and looked around, nothing I hadn’t seen before.  I picked up my schedule and found my locker.  The combo didn’t work.  Letting out another sigh, I took a quick look to my right, then left, then at the ceiling. No teachers and no cameras, good. I fish in the back pocket of my skinny jeans and pull out a bobby pin.  I pick the lock to my locker and close it again.  

The day goes by without anything else going wrong.  Boring syllabi and those dumb get to know everybody’s name games which are totally pointless.  I’m the only new person to this school in seven years!  I drive home, unlock the front door, and go straight to my room.  I shut the door quietly behind me.  Finally, a connection to a cell phone tower.  That entire school is one giant black hole for cell phones.  I had learned quickly that the school had put up a cell phone jammer.  It was said to increase the productivity of the students; less distractions or something.  It was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard.  I didn’t even know cell phone blockers existed until today.  I checked my phone for the first time since last night.  The scratched up black flip phone with the pink-stripped case started to vibrate on my desk.  4 new messages.  

Katie-1:42 AM Hey, don’t get too down about going to a new school sometimes being the unknown is the better option, and from what you told me about your last schools (which is terrible BTW) that you could use being the unknown.  Cheer up, I hate seeing you this way T~T. Katie-1:52 AM Alli…You there? Katie-2:14 AM you better not be doing what I think you are, I absolutely HATE when you do that to yourself. :/ Katie-2:24 AM

Night, talk to you tomorrow after school.

I finish reading the texts from last night when my phone gets another text. Katie-3:42PM

-Massive Hugs-. How was your first day at the new school? Alli-3:44 PM

Not terrible… I guess but the first week or so is always the same, ya know what I mean?

Katie-3:45 PM Yea it pretty much is, so are you out of this god awful town now since you switched schools?

Alli-3:47 PM

Nope, I just drive further to and from school now. Katie-3:48 PM

That sucks.  I’m sorry :( Alli-3:50 PM It’s fine.  I was able to keep my job and Nick said he would be giving me more hours to help out my gas bill. Katie-3:50 PM You’re lucky that your boyfriend is also your boss ;) Alli-3:53 PM He’s NOT my boyfriend!  He is just my neighbor. Katie-3:54 PM Suurre he’s not :P Alli-3:59 PM If I didn’t have to be at work soon I would drive over there and show you what I think of your sarcasm. ♥

I was only kidding of course, but Kate knew me well; I had known her since we were in our little Sunday dresses as kids.  She still keeps a picture from that day and always says, “Look how cute you used to be, what happened to that?”  She knew I hated those dresses ever since I was forced into them by Momma, back when we went to church.  I checked my email before I left for work.  4 junk emails and 30 hate emails that I sent to the delete folder.  I shut down the computer and grabbed my keys and locked the house behind me.  5:55 PM, I was early.  The daytime hostess got off at 6:00, which was when my shift started. I assumed my position and spent the next 5 hours greeting people and showing them to their tables in my sing-song work voice.  Work is, well, work; a means of surviving.  Chef Chang gave me some sweet and sour pork and the left over rice from that night’s batch.  Night shifts are terrible, but I get free food.  I love working at Sakura but it can be hectic at times.  I left my uniform in my locker and went out to my car. He was there leaning up against the hood of my car smoking a cigarette.   “What are you doing here?” “Oh I just wanted to see how my favorite neighbor was doing.”  He gave me one of his I have other intentions smiles.  

“Your driver side mirror is missing.  You know that right?” “I know,” I mumbled.  I let out a sigh of relief and put my head on his shoulder. He looked at me, flicks the burnt end of his cigarette, and gives me a deep kiss.  We break apart and he smiles at me.  

“Love you Alli.”  

“I love you too.”  He gives me another kiss and a quick squeeze.  

“You want me to escort you home, Milady?  ‘Cause your mother is going to be furious about that mirror.”  He’s such a goofball sometimes, but he’s right.  

“Nah, I’m fine.  See you tomorrow?”  

“Yea, love ya.”  

“Love you too.”

 I got out of the car and walked toward the front door, hours pass before I hear the screams of Momma coming from the living room rousing me from my sleep.

“Allison!  Get in here right now young lady!”

“Yes Momma?”

“What the hell happened to the truck, you’re always so careless!”  She raised her hand up to strike me; I winced and covered my face with my arms.  Three thuds and a whimper could be heard through the house.  Back in my room I check my phone for the time.  1:40 AM.  I had to be up for school in 5 hours.  I took out the razor I kept in my pocket.  

I wake up to the sound of my alarm clock.  It’s only the third week of school and I’m already wishing it was summer. I roll out of bed and check my phone. 1 new message. Cole- 5:50 AM Check your email as soon as you read this. It’s urgent.

I turn on the computer and wait for it to boot up.  This thing was ancient it still had Windows 97.  I open the email from Cole once the computer has gotten a chance to work.  I pull out my phone a minute later.  There are only two people to call in a situation such as this and since one is probably asleep, we just got back from work not too long ago I’ll let him sleep and tell him later.  The only other person I knew that would listen was Katie.   Alli-7:00 AM

Hey!  You got some time to chat?!!

Katie-7:02 AM

Sure what’s up? Alli-7:05 AM something terrible…

Katie-7:07 AM why terrible? :( Alli-7:07 AM My reputation has followed me; the rumors will be starting again. Katie-7:08 AM are you serious?  How?  You’re like going to school two towns over.  

I sent the link to the page that was the end of my quiet restart of my school life.  It was a link to a picture of my Mom at her work.  Next to it was a small caption that read.  “Doesn’t this look a lot like Allison Green the 10th grader at our school?”  Underneath were several pages of comments. Katie-7:25 AM

…Oh god…I’m so sorry. Alli-7:25 AM I don’t know what will be worse facing everybody at school or skipping and facing Mamma T-T Katie-7:26 AM I’m not sure either.  Pick the lesser of the two evils?            I check the time.  I had 25 minutes left before I had to be out the door.  Might as well get ready for the absolute hell that awaited me at school. Alli-7:27 AM I’ll TTYL. I got to get ready for school. Katie-7:28 AM Bye-Bye, Love ya ♥ Good luck.

I shutdown the computer and got ready for school.  I pulled into the parking lot and sat in the truck, my hands shaking, playing with my lip ring.  I sat there trying to calm my nerves for several minutes.  I eventually got out and entered the school.  I kept my head down and walked quickly through the halls but it couldn’t stop the whispers and the pointing.  Nothing would.  

“You see that girl?  You know her mother is a whore.”  

“I heard she left her last school because her father sold her into prostitution to feed his heroin addiction.”  Lies, lies, all ridiculous lies.  I wanted to scream at them to get my story straight, but it wouldn’t do anything.  Most people are ignorant idiots who, when even with the facts sitting right in their face don’t accept them.  And do they bother to find out the truth?  No, they just believe the outlandish rumors and don’t even second guess any of it.  The sound of my own name roused me from my swirling emotions and thoughts.  

“Hey Allison, will you give me a discount on the mother daughter special if I help you with math?” it was the smart-aleck, know it all guy that sits in front of me in my math class.  He saw my test scores and how I struggled in math.  I flipped him the bird and stuck out my tongue.

“Why you little bitch…” The rest of his words were drowned out by the warning bell.  I ran off to the bathroom.  I checked in the stalls to make sure I was alone.  I went into the first stall and started sobbing.  I can’t deal with this abuse again, I just can’t.  Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you.  What a load of crap.  Words are the things that cut you the deepest they penetrate the mind and wage psychological warfare.  I pull out the razor I had put in my bag, rolled up my sleeves.  

I walk into history class late.  I get a tardy but nothing more.  I block out the whispers and peoples’ stares.  Thank God for my MP3 player and decent headphones.  By the end of the day, I’m ready to leave so badly.  I stop by my locker.  Somebody has put a sign up that says: You already have a career why bother staying around for an education. Leave! I crumple up the paper and leave the prison that my school life has become yet again.

           Work, school, home, the vicious cycle continues for the next six weeks. The only times I’m actually not depressed now are when I’m with him, and even then the time is so short that it doesn’t even seem worth it now.  I’m a terrible secret girlfriend.  He could do better than me.  Maybe I should just break it off with him.  I’ll talk to him after this shift is over.  I send him a quick text while there are no customers coming in.  

Alli-10:45 PM

Same time same place, kay?

Nick-10:55 PM Alright.

           I’m sitting in the bed of my truck waiting for him to show up.  He’s late.  

“Hey, really sorry I’m late I had to do some last minute things.”  

“It’s fine,” I say starting to play with my lip ring. He looks at me with concern.  

“What’s wrong?  School again?”  I nod looking down at the pavement.  He puts his arm around my shoulder and kisses the top of my head.  “So wanna get going?  Don’t your finals start next week?”  I nod again not wanting to move or say what had to be done next.  He hops down from the bed of my truck and offers me a hand. I just sit there, on the verge of tears. “Okay Allison, seriously what’s the matter?” he frowns at me.  

“I have to break up with you.  You can do so much better then some high school girl like me. I’m sorry”.  Tears start running down my face, and I jump off the bed of the truck, get in, and start the ignition.  He’s just standing there dumbfounded.  I speed off towards my house, wiping my eyes.  I arrive home.  Momma won’t be home for another hour.  I go to my room, slamming the door behind me, and collapse on my bed crying. I didn’t want to break up with him, but it had to be done.  I’m not good enough for him.  I’m ugly, stupid, and a complete failure.  Plus he’s 3 years older then I am.  He should be dating people his own age.  The sound of my phone vibrating breaks my chain of thought.  He’s calling.  I take out the battery to my phone and curl up into a ball hugging myself crying softly.

I’m jarred awake to the sounds of screaming. I can hear Momma yelling at someone on the other side of a phone.  I fall back asleep.

           Fifth period lunch, I’m sitting in my usual corner, headphones on, music up full blast.  I hate lunch period.  It’s full of people doing idiotic things.  At least nobody has come up to me today.  Just as I finish my optimistic thought, nameless upperclassman jerk with his band of idiots stands in front of me.  I look up at them.  Their lips are moving, but I can’t hear them.  I remove my headphones and give them a piercing stare.  

“Hey, what’s up slut? How’s your mother doing in that stripper bar of hers?”  I ignore the comment and mouth the words “Leave me alone.”  

“So I was thinking this should be enough for one night of fun for me and the boys, right?”  He tossed a roll of cash in my lap.  I stare at the bills, a hundred dollars wrapped in a bunch of singles probably. I let out a sigh and hand the idiot back his money.  

“Sorry, I don’t do that.”  I turn to walk away but the nameless idiot grabs me by the shoulders.  

“Hey, now not so fast.  Now I promised the guys here a good time, and since you already have so much experience doing things for cash, I figured you would oblige.”  

“I said I don’t do that.  Are you hearing impaired?” I mumbled.  His face shoots with rage at my comment.  Great.  Good job Alli, your smart mouth has gotten you in a sticky situation.  He whispers into my ear.  

“You should be a good little girl and keep that mouth of yours shut.”  

“Let me go, or you will be in a world of pain.” I growled menacingly.  He laughed at my comment.  I let out a sigh; I warned him.  I scream at the top of my lungs.  “Get off me you deranged pervert!”  The lunch room got deathly quiet, and teachers who had been completely oblivious until that moment spotted the group of boys surrounding me.  The guys scatter like rats from a flashlight.  I ran out of the lunch room and hid in the bathroom. I can’t deal with this crap anymore.  I just can’t. Why me?  What did I ever do to deserve this?  Can I help it that everyone is an ignorant fool?  Can I control who my parents are and what they choose to do with their lives?  Why am I constantly tortured by other peoples’ vices and peoples’ misconceptions.  It just isn’t fair, this world isn’t fair.  I never did anything to deserve this kind of treatment, and yet here I am living each day for no reason at all.  My life has no purpose.  I would be doing the world a favor if I just disappeared.  

           It’s past midnight, and I can’t sleep.  I quit my job after that idiot at school tried to pay for a...  A shiver runs up my spine at the thought. I would be doing the world a favor if I just disappeared...      The next day Momma was angry that I had quit my job.  She yelled at me for over three hours saying that I was just dropping out of society and that I was overreacting and that I should go to Mr. Chang and beg him to hire me again.  I just couldn’t face “Him” again.  That was why I didn’t want to go back to work and why I quit.  I wasn’t worth his time or effort.  I’m just not good enough for him.  People say it constantly when they think I can’t hear them, that I’ll never amount to anything and that I’m going to end up worse off than Mama working as a prostitute for the rest of my life.  Maybe they’re right.  Maybe I will amount to nothing and that I’m just a worthless piece of trash that is a drain on society.  I lazed around most of Saturday morning; I didn't know what I was going to do with myself anymore.  School wasn’t an option.  I was passing, yes, but it had become a living nightmare that I couldn't keep returning to.  Home, well it’s mostly quiet until nighttime. But home is no better than school.  Where else is there to go?  What other options did I really have?  I can’t survive in the world with only a 9th grade education and the little money that I have saved up won’t last very long either.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  

The doorbell rings.  It’s Kate, she drags me outside and we get in her car.  We end up at the mall, walking around, people and mostly window shopping.  Trying on clothes and just having a girl’s day out.  Kate really cheered me up and it was nice to be away from all the worries of the world, I was genuinely happy for the first time, in a long time.  It was a good day.

I return home exhausted and go straight to bed.  A crash breaks my light sleep, and I sit up in my bed.  Someone is yelling at Mama over the phone and she’s yelling back, I get up and sit in the hallway to hear her better. “I wish we never would have been so foolish back in the day, I regret ever dating you, I didn’t want this for my life.  I had to drop everything that I had going for me and take care of the baby.  I wake up every day and work a shitty job to provide for my family that I wish I had never made.  I told you back then that we should have waited.  We weren’t ready for a child and the second I told you I was pregnant you up and leave like the cowardly son of a bitch you are!  Oh, you’ve changed huh?  Want to come back into your daughters’ life after 15 years?  I've managed to survive for 16 years on my own I’m sure we can survive two more until she graduates.  We’ll be fine.  And after that it’s her decision whither she wants you to be a part of her life or not.”

Mama was just saying that to make herself look stronger than she really is.  We weren’t gonna be fine, and I knew that she was just telling him what he wanted to hear, so he would leave her alone.  We barely scrape by every month.  I didn't think that my paycheck made any difference most of it was spent on gas money and the rest I put in the bank.  A sudden realization hit me, Mama must have been stealing the money from my account to help pay for the bills.  “Allison! Get in here now.”  

“Umm, yes Mama?” I stood in the doorway.  “What were you doing in the hallway?  Eavesdropping, how many times have I told you not to listen to my conversations?”

“I’m sorry, I couldn't fall back asleep and I heard you two talking.”

“How dense are you, I’ve told you over and over to not eavesdrop do you learn from anything that I tell you?  How many times do we have to have this same conversation?”  I stood there blankly staring at the ground messing with my lip ring, I could tell that she hadn’t calmed down from the phone call.  Mama took a deep breath, “So, why did you quit your job?”  I was silent.  “You aren’t pregnant are you?”  I shook my head no.  “If I find out that you’re lying you won’t be welcome in this house, now please go to bed.”  I couldn’t tell if that was a serious threat.  I froze for a second trying to figure out the words that she had just said would she really kick me out just like that?  “I said go to bed!”  I returned to my room and lay there on the bed staring at the ceiling my heart racing.

           Another week passed and there was no point to anything anymore I showed up to school out of fear and returned home for lack of a better place to be.  Everything had become pointless and monotonous.  I feel numb every second of every minute of everyday I want this feeling to end.  I just want to disappear.  I start crying softly as I pull out my phone and a piece of paper.

Alli-12:48 AM

To my best friend, what can I say?  It’s been an interesting life and you’ve always made me smile when I was sad. I’m glad that I met you all those years ago.  But this is it for me I can’t take living in this world anymore.  I’m sorry about everything.  This is my last farewell.  

I turned off my phone and turn my attention to the piece of paper on the desk.  

      Dear Everyone,

I’m sorry for everything that has gone wrong on my account.  I’m sorry that I was the daughter that you never wanted and that I ruined your life by being born.  I’m sorry that I forced you to work at the bar again as a waitress Momma.  I’m sorry that I’m such a worthless soul and a nuisance on everyone that I come in contact with.  But that will all be solved tonight.  I’m fixing your mistake that you made when you were no older than me. I’m a nobody, and honestly nobody will miss me after today.  I was a mistake, and there is no other way out of this world of sorrow...Goodbye, Your welcome.  You weren’t always the best parent, but I loved you more than you will ever know, even though you never showed me any in return.

Sincerely,

Allison

I picked up the razorblade and started to make a deep cut in the tenants in my right wrist.  I continued until there were three very deep cuts in my wrist and anywhere else I could see a vein.  Blood was dripping from the wounds.  I passed out shortly after that.

           I woke up with a sharp pain shooting from all over my body.  Katie was sitting next to me crying hysterically saying.  “Please don’t die, please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead.”  Over and over crying on the bed in the unknown room I was now laying in.  I made a faint whimpering sound and she looked up.  She looked at me and started crying more.  I sat up slowly and she hugged me tightly.      

I was in the hospital for a week getting “help.” Katie visited me everyday for those seven days.  She was the high point of my day inside that terrible place.  I was released after I had been claimed, “not a threat to my own self anymore.”  I went to live with Katie after being released her mom had talked with my mom and they agreed to the deal.  Maybe life would be better away from my house and school for a while.

[bayisbetter]

RIP 2016 Retrospective Dance Mix: David Bowie, George Michael Prince and More

I didn’t want to celebrate 2016, nor was I excited to ring in 2017. The future looks bleak, and we lost so many greats. Especially the loss of David Bowie, which hit me harder than any celebrity death ever has, or likely ever will. So this year, instead of bringing you the best dance music of 2016, I’m offering up a retrospective dance mix comprised of musicians who died in 2016.

Honestly, I wasn’t all that hip to new music this year. I had David Bowie on repeat after his death in January, and with every unarmed black man shot by police, I put Louis Armstrong on repeat. It was a year for listening to Nina Simone and a lot more Louis Armstrong. With so many celebrity deaths, it felt like a year for looking back, not only to those who died, but to those living we might not be honoring because they have the nerve to keep breathing without releasing new albums.

If you’re looking for a retrospective mix, this one touches on most of the notable musical deaths of 2016. Download or stream it right here.

I think this tweeter put it best:

It is becoming increasingly obvious that David Bowie has established a better alternate universe and is populating it selectively one-by-one

— Miss Texas 1967 (@MsTexas1967) December 27, 2016

  NOTE: If you are throw this on at a party, make sure you stop it on the next to the last track. The final track is a Leonard Cohen song read as a poem. It’s not remotely dance-able, and it’s grim enough to suck the cheer out of any room. But I felt it was the right tone to wrap up 2016 (on that note, lots of posts coming up about American fascism).

http://ift.tt/2idGiOi

RIP 2016 Retrospective Dance Mix

(right-click, “save as” to download mp3)

Playlist of songs below.

RIP 2016: Retrospective Playlist of Artists Who Died in 2016

Prince – Let’s Go Crazy

Tribe Called Quest – Can I Kick It?

Wham! – Wake Me Up Before You Go Go

David Bowie – Modern Love

Prince – Seven

Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings – Natural Born Lover

George Michael – Freedom 90

Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings – This Land Is Your Land (Woody Guthrie cover)

George Michael – Faith

Leonard Cohen – Partisan (Melle Kuil deep house mix)

David Bowie – Young Americans (Impeach the President remix)

George Michael – Too Funky

Parliament – Flashlight

Prince – Kiss

Vanity 7 – Nasty Girl

Jefferson Airplane – White Rabbit (Fuzzion remix)

David Bowie vs Eric Prydz – Dunproofin’ (Let’s Dance)

Leonard Cohen – Everybody Knows (Tiger Tooth Rerub)

David Bowie – Space Oddity (Munk Machine remix)

Wham! – Everything She Wants (’97 version)

Leonard Cohen – You Want It Darker (Paul Kalkbrenner remix)

Leonard Cohen – Democracy (as a poem, Neil Gaiman with Amanda Palmer on piano)

Dance Along to RIP 2016 with Me

Staying home on New Year’s Eve was a big deal for me. I always go dancing, mostly because its’ the one day of the year I can rally my homebody pals into going out. Like David Bowie says in “Modern Love,” “I don’t want to go out, I want to stay in, get things done.” Since I’d been meaning to try out live-streaming, I decided to ring in the new year dancing to my retrospective playlist. It’s pretty silly, and yes, I’m three sheets to the wind in this video. But if you want some company, or if you just want to have a laugh, you can dance along with me.

This playlist is a little different than the one above. I made a second draft with a few artists I’d left out the first time (Phife Dawg of Tribe Called Quest, Signe Anderson of Jefferson Airplane and Vanity of Vanity 6). Also after the first song it stopped, so I started it anew from where we left off. I am hoping to upload a dancing video with the new edit over it, but LightWorks crashes whenever I open it so it seems unlikely.

Google flagged one of the Prince songs in the video for copyright, so that section is muted, and due to the other tracks, it forces the video to have commercials…I’m beginning to see why people prefer Vevo.

Watch it on Facebook to avoid ads, muted Prince.

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