#anyways this is just a vent against spotify

[mokeonn]

I think the frustrating thing about Spotify recommendations is sometimes it really does introduce me to lots of cool Indie Bands that I really vibe with and allow me to try some new stuff and sometimes it keeps telling me that I need to Listen to Mother Mother (I have not listened to Mother Mother ever and at this point I never will because it is a pride thing.)

Or a random unfunny tiktok joke song from 3 years ago/ a viral YouTube song from over a decade ago.

[torchickentacos]

crying is like computer updates. it's going to happen but if you put it off it'll force its way through at really stupid/inopportune times

[universalsatan]

obligatory introduction post

hi guys i'm mando. (my father and abuelo are nando).

i'm trans in a hyper-macho/repressed way (han solo, dean winchester, indiana jones, you get the picture), bi in a very gay way (i have been pining over the same idiot for the past 5 years, which might make appearances in tags), adhd and autistic in the sexiest way possible (oscillate wildly between golden retriever and spock). i also stream on twitch sometimes, under a pseudonym you totally can't find by snooping through a music link included in this post.

this account is literally whatever i feel like (occasional 18+ humour, follow under your own discretion etc etc). the only thing i properly tag anymore is vid so i can find them again easier, and "personal" if i gotta vent or whatever (for potential tag blocking purposes). i still update the star trek blog, my dean aesthetic blog, and my bfu one (once in a blue moon), but they are products of past hyperfixations (which i may or may not return to on occasion).

i do a lot of writing (give it up for escapism as a coping method 🤪), particularly on my ao3 (+pwp account), of which i'll post updates on my writing blog as well.

fanfic-wise, there is always a lot of variation, so your best bet at prediction (especially considering my chronic exhaustion as a deterrent) is the fandoms list on ao3 or the stuff i've been posting on this blog. original work-wise, i tend to write comedic satire. i currently have one published work, but it is in my university's anthology, and i will not just dox myself so easily lol. once my exhaustion clears up and i start to submit to magazines/contests again, maybe i'll start sharing that too.

i am also an academic (ewwww). i am planning on going to med school and doing research (and have been considering writing papers in the near future too), but am also a huge nerd in both musicology and english related stuff, ESPECIALLY media analysis. (i don't tend to post a lot of media analysis, but i might pop off in tags if my meds freshly kick in)

autism fixation is definitely music (as in, way too much music history—eg. i was obsessed and even crushed over classical composers in elementary school; am always in a handful of music ensembles and own 20+ instruments atm; musicology in the sense of theory and how different songs/genres function and how we as people interpret them; music in cultural anthropology ie how it has affected history in a broader sense and the societal impacts of things such as the western teaching of music (bad), how music has been used as a voice or for protest and to convey different messages, the effect of music in film, my beef against terms like "jazz" or "folk" because (for jazz) like 95% of music can fall under the definition).

ANYWAYS. you can look at my playlists (shoutout to bad taste in music (real, not fake) ), but since a lot of them are messy/outdated and i mostly rely on albums/already-made playlists, feel free to follow my spotify for the sole reason that you can see what i'm listening to (or whether i'm actually having a good taste for once or i'm going insane listening to heinz baked beans the who or megalovania on repeat for 7 hours again)

[just-otter-thoughts]

I need to vent about this real quick because it's so silly but is giving me an identity crisis.

My entire harsh belief of vinyl as inherently better than digital is absolute bullshit. I listen to music with the express intent to experience exactly what the artist wanted me to. That's why I moved from shitty Spotify AAC streaming to FLAC. The difference is night and day, and I can very easily tell if the bitrate of an MP3 or AAC is any lower than 256kbps because my ears are accustomed to FLAC, especially in songs I'm really familiar with.

It's a factual statement that any lossless audio codec is going to sound better than a lossy compressed MP3 or AAC or OGG or *shivers* WMA. That is not the case when comparing vinyl to CD, however. Long story short, I was on Instagram and on a comment section, someone was complaining about the "shitty resurgence in vinyl." I promptly responded that it's not shitty at all, and that a hard engraving of the signal is simply superior than any digital media we have nowadays.

I was wrong as fuck. Someone started telling me that vinyl isn't perfect like I thought it was — and it's my fault that I don't know, really, because I just took "hard-engraving of audio signal" as a synonym of "you don't have your experience skewed" so I thought vinyl was perfect — and that there's so much that can happen to it, things that simply do not happen to CDs.

And I'll tell y'all... I wanted this person to be wrong so bad. But they weren't. I Googled it and went past page 2. I searched it up on Reddit. I read audiophile articles. On vinyl, the bass is more inaccurate, you have wow and flutter, signal to noise ratio, all these things that just don't happen on CD. (And I'm talking specifically CD here, again, streaming audio quality is shit forever! Even if you have lossless streaming, that's gonna depend on your internet quality and a ton of other factors like what device you're listening from. Unless someone wants to prove me wrong about this too, which, hey, after today you're welcome to). My only argument against the Instagram stranger was audio signal aliasing which is inherent of 16-bit 44.1kHz signal, but even that is masked by the audio equipment, and audio anti-aliasing is much much simpler than video and it's also necessary to drive speakers anyway.

And I felt so lost because I have this dream of collecting vinyl. It's so freaking expensive too, and I literally always daydream of taking it out of the sleeve, out of the inner sleeve, dusting it a bit, setting it on the mat and putting the needle down, then experiencing exactly what's in the master, no bullshit whatsoever. And to discover that right now I'm having more hinderance-free fidelity with my FLAC audio files and my kind of studio-grade audio interface and headphones hurt my feelings so bad. That's not to say I'll stop wanting to collect vinyls — I already have the equipment anyways — but damn it if it didn't kill my dream.

It's an option, as well, to collect both. Hell, I'm a lover of physical media and that one you can't argue me out of thinking it's inherently better than intangible files. So writing this made me feel better (a bit, because purchasing two audio formats means more money spent) because I've updated my inspirations. I want both. The problem, really, is just distortions and problems added by vinyl but that can be preferrable.

My dream is really to have an entire room dedicated solely to physical media. Shelves upon shelves upon shelves of vinyls, tapes, DVDs, Blu-Rays, Books, and now the most recent addition: CDs. I already have two albums on vinyl (which I haven't listened to entirely, mostly due to the fact my turntable has been on repair for like a month due to payment complications (I'm underage and my parents are poor)) and I wanna get them on CD now. Hell, give me a live album on DVD or Blu-Ray, I want it all. I wanna hoard media. In fact, right now, in my computer, I have a folder called Data Hoarder. It's where I keep movies, TV shows, tons and tons of music, books and so many game installers and physical media rips. I have a version of Half-Life, one of my favorite videogames, that was released on a CD-ROM in 1998! A digital rip of it, of course.

The folder is currently 388.6Gb, out of which 158.4Gb is games, 20Gb is movies, 102.9Gb is TV Shows, 27.6Gb is Anime, 26.2Gb is music, 42.6Gb is ROM dumps of old games, 106Gb is just PS2 games, and the rest are miscellaneous files. I'd rather it all to be physical but hey, ya can't win 'em all.

[urbestamgirl]

betty - taylor swift

Hey guys, this is the first thing I´m posting in here just because I needed to vent about my break up and how I´ve been feeling and what´s better than to make it about my bias. Idk, I hope to write more in here from now on XD.

Warnings: just angst no fluff nothing, not well written just actually venting about my real life problems, mentions of partying. I guess that´s it yeah.

It´s 4 a.m. and your phone buzzes and the light creeps into your darken room. It´s been rough falling asleep tonight and that notification was far from helping you. You roll around in bed making sure that looking at your phone would be a good decision. It wouldn´t be, though, you knew that the moment you took a look at whatever it was, any sight of sleep you had would vanish through the window. Five minutes have gone by and you were far from managing to sleep. You grab your phone and glance at it, only to realize how long this night would actually be.

A message from your ex was displayed in the screen. It´s been, roughly, six months since you´ve broken up and there hasn´t been much of a communication going on between the both of you. This way, this text, in the middle of the a.m. caught you by surprise. Now, you had another decision to make, would you even open it or leave it for the morning. Sleep was out of reach by any means, you would either end up bawling your eyes out or just too curious to sleep.  

This time, you decide against your natural instincts, you drop your phone by the nightstand and roll to the side hoping sleep would catch by. Needless to say, it didn´t. Another hour passed and even the sun started to show up behind the buildings and trees in the horizon. You open the message. It was a link, well, a Spotify link to a song. “Betty” by Taylor Swift started playing through your speakers as you just paid attention to the song.  

“I can dream about what happens when you see my face again”

It´s 11 p.m. and you enter the club, a loud hip hop song blowing through the speakers, as you wait by the door for your friends to come in and join you. You feel a tap on your shoulder and when you turn around, you are greeted by a hug. “Hey”, you reckon this voice belongs to Jisung, your ex´s friend, the one you along with the best anyways. You hug him back, happy to see him again after so long, only for, the moment you let him go, another hug to greet you, this one, far colder. “Hi Y/N”, now this voice, you recognized even faster. Bang Chan, your ex, stood in front of you.  

To be honest, before you left your house, you considered he might be there, he has always liked this club and you even went there together sometimes. But his greetings really caught you by surprise this time, last time you´ve seen each other, four months ago, he ignored you the whole night like you never even happened. And just like that, before you can make out anything from the situation, he turns back to his group of friends, as your own friends join you and give him a dirty look.  

“You heard the rumors from Inez, you can't believe a word she says”

Your break up six months ago was all-in-all peaceful. Of course, no break up is done without leaving bad feelings. As he said, he just wasn´t in love with you anymore, both of you were really busy and he needed some time only for himself. “Is there someone else?” you ask. The tears streaming down his face pace up and he nods. “Who is she?” you insist. “Sana”, he answers quietly, no point in hiding anything anymore. “The girl you promised you had no feelings for multiple times?” you ask out of spite. “It´s not like that Y/N” Chan says “I swear I had none, I just felt this last night and I don´t think that´s fair to you.”  

So far, you haven´t cried, your whole World was shattering and you could just stare in disbelief at the puzzle being put together in your mind. “Did anything happen between you?” he denies it. “I swear it didn´t. I just felt like it, felt like kissing her, and I told the boys, they got really mad at me, but they agreed that it wasn´t fair to you and I should be honest to you. I swear nothing happened and nothing will happen between me and her.” your face remains dry as you reply “Well, you can do whatever you want now, you’re a single man” he tries to hold onto your hand, like he´s not the one leaving you “I promise I won´t, I feel really bad about this and I don´t ever want to hurt you that way.”  

You nod, choosing to believe in his promise, he leaves your house for the last time, as your ex this time. Only once he´s inside his car, you lay down on your bed and break down, feeling like you were choking and broken, more hurt than ever before.  

“The worst thing that I ever did was what I did to you”

You chose to believe him, give him the benefit of the doubt. The first two weeks after your breakup, you were still in denial, believing he would show up at your house and apologize. It was exactly fifteen days after your break up when the house of cards finally collapsed.  

You were talking to a mutual friend of yours, when he finally admitted, that he saw Chan and Sana together, kissing and talking, and that they left together afterwards. You felt so stupid, for trusting his promise, for waiting for him to come back, to cheat on your own instincts like that. You had always expressed to him how insecure you felt about her, how she was an idol like him and they had so much more in common and they could talk for hours about this universe of theirs. He always laughed about it, like it was such a foolish idea and you let it slide because you couldn´t bear a World without him.  

Fifteen days after your break up was when you decided you should move on, and it wasn´t easy, most days you were stuck in bed crying. Specially those you saw a picture of them through a mutual friend, when you saw their interactions or when paparazzi photos leaked.  

“I was walking home on broken cobblestones just thinking of you when she pulled up like a figment of my worst intentions, she said "James, get in, let's drive". Those days turned into nights, slept next to her, but I dreamt of you all summer long”

All in all, it has been half a year since you´ve broken up and you were over it mostly. Your friends kept asking how you were but you were actually okay. The only thing that could get hurt by now, was your ego. You enjoyed the night like always, you drank, danced with your friends, laughed, tried your best to not even look his way. Every time you did, though, you saw Sana´s hands all over him and you turned away and kept dancing.  

Your best friend warned you that he´s been starring a lot, but you chose to ignore it, knowing by now that hope was a bitch.  

“But if I just showed up at your party, would you have me? Would you want me? Would you tell me to go fuck myself?”

Once you were already tired from all the dancing, you said bye to your friends and drove off home, wondering if seeing you, still messes with him the way it messed with you.

And that´s when two hours later he sent you that song. You were a mixed of rage, sadness, emptiness, irony. How could he leave you? How could he ignore you? How could he break his promises? How could he continue to hurt you in such way? How could he act like he had all those feelings? Knowing all of these were his options, he decided to break up, he decided to move on, he refused to maintain a friendship with you. Now here he was, sending you this song, after he saw you, like he was a victim of some sort. And you hated him, because if he just said the right things, you´d go back to him all again.  

[kurtanaaa]

Hi I love your chatfics please could you give me a list of the new directions’ private stories and who can see them?

YES I CAN AND I CAN ALSO GIVE YOU A KISS ANON I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU THANK YOU FOR ASKING ME THIS

okay this is going under a cut bc i am going to talk A LOT!!!! oh i am so excited jfjdjfjksls

so i’ve made a list of what i thought their private story names were before but that was before i really started writing chatfics regularly so this is a great chance to do it again!!!! lets get into it!! this isn’t gonna include the newbies bc i’m setting this before s4 :/// sorry yall

Brittany: my private story -miss girl doesn’t really like private stories with weird names. they confuse her :/ how is she supposed to know what it is if it’s named something weird like 99.9 virgin radio? that’s just a radio station babe! -everyone in new directions is on her story, along with lord tubbington (she made him a snapchat account), a bunch of vocal adrenaline kids she made friends with by accident, some of the haverbrook kids, a couple warblers (trent. she likes him a lot), and most of the cheerios! lauren zizes and matt are also on it!!! -she has banned all football players except the glee guys from her private story. they don’t get her fun times.

Santana: real lesbian girl shit -she’s a megan thee stallion fan and also gay. not much else to it!!! -again, all the new directions are on it, except occasionally she removes finn just to test his patience. she also has lord tubbington bc she loves her girlfriend. all of the cheerios are on her story and she uses it to make announcements to them sometimes (every time a cheerio leaves the squad she boots them from her story). she does NOT have lauren zizes (still salty over the hallway fight) but she does have matt!!! that’s pretty much it tho she doesn’t like to be too public with her crap

Mercedes: TOTS -bitch loves her tots and she made the story when she and kurt were bitching at each other about them. she won’t change it ever. -EVERYBODY is on cedes' private story bc everyone loves cedes. she’s got lauren, matt, most of the warblers that she met through kurt and blaine, a bunch of haverbrook kids, a good chunk of mckinley that she’s met through classes and such, sunshine corazon, even a couple girls from that all girls acapella group at season two nationals. unique is on her story too!!! she keeps up with everyone!!! -she has ALSO banned most of the football players. it is a point of soreness for the majority of them that they don’t get the privilege of being on her story.

Kurt: i diagnose you with gay -he saw a meme that said this once and laughed his ass off so he had to use it -kurt has a surprising amount of people on his story. he’s got all the warblers who were at dalton when he was, he’s got all the new directions plus lauren and matt, all of the cheerios who were on the squad when he was, a bunch of haverbrook kids, sunshine, a few mckinley students he made friends with, unique for SURE, and even some of the nicer football players. he also has karofsky on his story (bc hes too nice for his own good), sebastian smythe (so he can post pictures of him and blaine and make him jealous) and jesse st. james (so he can bully him directly). for some reason coach sylvester is also on his private story. no one except kurt and sue know why and they’re not revealing their plans to anyone. it is terrifying.

Sam: The Blackbird -he named it after the plane the x-men fly bc he is a Geek Bitch. -anyway sam is ALWAYS posting to his private story. every day there's five new videos of various hudmel shenanigans. he likes to record things just in case he has to leave again and he needs memories of his friends. -since he’s a sweetheart and doesn’t like people to feel left out, he’s got a fair amount of people on his private story. obviously the new directions and lauren (and matt! he met matt through mike and they hit it off), and some students from his old schools. he’s got some warblers, a chunk of the football team, some mckinley students, and lord tubbington. it’s a good time!

Puck: VIP ZONE -this idiot just likes everybody on his private story to know that they are SPECIAL and APPRECIATED if they’re there -he posts the most wack shit on his story bc he’s always getting up to something stupid so he keeps the amount of people on his private story low so he doesn’t get ratted out -so pretty much only the new directions are on it, plus matt and lauren and a couple of the more tolerable football guys. he has jake on his story too!!! (in my glee cinematic universe they met earlier and they’re bros) he also has jeff the warbler on his story for reasons known to no one, not even jeff and puck.

Rachel: 🌟Rachel Berry Exclusive🌟 -do i even need to explain this one. -rachel does NOT understand the concept of a private story. pretty much everybody who has her on snap is on her private story at this point. she does not give a shit she wants everyone to know what she’s up to all the time. this means that practically everyone she’s ever met is on there

Finn: cooler than puck's -this man is always competing against puck a lil i know it. puck thinks its hilarious. -not a lot of people on finn’s story! he’s got the usual suspects plus some football guys, and david warbler and wes warbler. they hang out sometimes!!! he thinks they’re fun dudes. he also has jake on his story bc he’s met him a couple times through puck and he seemed chill. also jesse st. james so finn can make him jealous bc he’s a little shit

Blaine: Sometimes Turnt -his story posts are usually very basic but when this man gets drunk he goes off the RAILS on his story it’s crazy -blaine’s another one whos got pretty much everyone he knows on his private story. all the usual suspects and all the warblers are on there. he doesn’t have jesse, lauren, or matt, but that’s bc he just. doesn’t know them. he’s got a couple people that he made friends with at mckinley on there too!! -cooper is NOT allowed on his private story. he is explicitly banned.

Tina: former goth bitches anonymous -’nuff said. -tina has the BEST stories. everyone wants to be on her private story - except for when she’s having a breakdown and keeps posting screenshots of sad songs on spotify. but the thing is she keeps her private story on LOCKDOWN. she’s got her new directions and lauren and matt, she’s got a couple haverbrook kids, some warblers, a goth guy she met at a hot topic, and sunshine!!! but NO ONE ELSE. everyone else is PROHIBITED. NO FUCKING ENTRY!

Mike: The Fuck -mike didn’t know what to name it :/ so he decided to name it after what he’s thinking every time he posts a video of his friends doing something stupid -everyone loves mike. everyone is on his story. thee whole mf gang. the new directions, lauren, matt, jesse, sunshine, the whole football team, all the cheerios, haverbrook kids, warblers, vocal adrenaline dancers, the works. he doesn’t know how they all wound up there considering he hardly ever posts, but he just keeps making friends with people and they’re like "hey you’re very sexy and hot. want to be on my private story" and of course he has to return the favour!!!

Artie: Artie's Priv -short and simple! -everything he posts is edited RIDICULOUSLY. like with stickers and filters and video edits, the works. everything. -he doesn’t have a lot of people on his private story mostly because he usually uses his public one, so he just doesn’t think to add people to his private story. but he’s got the new directions, he’s got lauren and matt, he’s got a few other mckinley students, and... that’s pretty much it. he just doesn’t think about it!

Quinn: Don't let my Catholic guilt see this -this one. i haven’t gotten to use it in a fic yet. but i will. its also fairly self explanatory -quinn is another gal who keeps this shit shut DOWN. almost nobody gets in bc a lot of her stories are just her RANTING about feminism or her life or SOMETHING that's pissing her off that she needs to vent about -she’s got the new directions, she’s got lauren and matt, she’s got some cheerios, and that is IT. nobody else gets to see this shit.

THIS WAS SO FUCKING FUN TO WRITE OUT OH MY GOD I AM SO PLEASED!!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING ME THIS I HAVE NOT FELT THIS MUCH EUPHORIA IN A LONG TIME!!!!!

[sunmoonandsandsoundtracks]

dead girl walking

i figured i should start getting my stories from my old account here so i can delete that one. so, have a nice little surprise. it probably won't be that much of a surprise, especially if you followed me here from my old account and read it there.

this is the love child of my passions for naruto characters and broadway musicals. this one is heathers, so have fun being veronica sawyer.

this is before i was ready to really write smut and is therefore experimental as i was testing my limits. i think it's pretty damn hot, not gonna lie, but y'all can decide. i don't intend to turn this into a full smut and leave it as evidence of my growth, but let's be honest, i'm an easily swayed woman a lot of the time. if i'm worked up enough, then this is going to be poised and ready for me to vent that energy. we'll see what happens.

spotify/youtube seriously, listen to the song once. it sets the whole mood.

word count: 4180

content warnings: language?

enjoy!

You were doomed. Utterly helpless.

How did a night that started so great become such a massive shit storm?

Oh, right. You puked on the queen bitch... after calling her a pretentious, superficial cum dumpster that had reached her peak and would only deteriorate from there… in front of almost the entire senior class, particularly the boy she’d wanted between her legs for the last two or three years, at Kiba Inuzuka’s backyard party.

It felt good for that moment. Until you regurgitated the mix of different types of alcohol, edible weed, and pizza all over her five hundred dollar wedges. You didn’t feel an ounce of guilt as you straightened back up to see her with wide eyes, mouth agape. A smug smirk was all you gave her as you wiped your mouth off on the back of your hand, then put your back to her and headed inside the Inuzuka house. As you reached the door, the shrillest screech you’d ever heard reached your ears. You didn’t stick around to see any other reactions. You went inside, made a beeline for the bathroom, ignored the moans and panting coming from behind the white shower curtain with black puppy paw prints as you rinsed the nasty taste off your tongue with mouthwash, then got the hell out of dodge.

Twenty minutes later saw you walking home, with nothing but the rustle of the occasional leaf blowing by and the pounding of your shoes on the pavement to keep you company in the otherwise still night.

Life was an annoying hell before I got involved with those girls, but it’s going to be absolutely miserable now, you mused, crossing your arms over your chest for some warmth. You hadn’t dressed with the intent of walking home. You’d gotten a ride to the party, and you would have gotten a ride home, had the aforementioned incident not occurred. It almost didn’t, but you finally got sick of being party to the cruel tricks that the three most popular girls, known as the Kunoichi, liked to pull on your classmates. Particularly when they targeted a girl that was trying so hard to make a friend, but was too low on the social totem pole to associate with, unless you wanted to commit social suicide… Well, that’s what you did anyway.

Thirty hours until every bit of peace I worked for in those drab halls goes down the drain, and I have to beg to be homeschooled. I won’t even be able to enjoy the rest of my weekend. I feel like I’m heading toward the hangman’s noose. I could transfer schools if I had my own car, or motorbike like that one-

You stopped abruptly, scuffing the bottom of your shoe against the sidewalk, taking in the sight of a sleek red motorcycle in the driveway of a two story, gray stone house. You’d seen that motorcycle before. Just earlier that day, in fact. How did you know for sure that it was the same red motorcycle? The scratch and smudge on the body on the left side, over the back tire, from when its owner was being harassed earlier in the week.

Change of plans, you thought as your lips pulled back, revealing your teeth in a feral grin. You didn’t need to run away just yet.

You circled the house, stopping when you saw a dim light coming from a window on the second floor, right side. You tried to get a good look from the ground at who was in that room without being seen. It didn’t help.

“All right, take a risk and possibly get fucked from under tonight, or run like a coward and pathetically wait to get fucked over on Monday,” you muttered to yourself with a huff, staring up at the window. You considered it for a good five minutes before your desire literally drove you up a conveniently placed tree. Your body moved on its own as your mind went into chaos mode over what was without a doubt, in your opinion, the ballsiest thing you’d ever done.

“Please let it be him,” you chanted repeatedly under your breath as you slowly got to where you could peek in the dirty window. Your eyes zeroed in on the figure reading a book on the bed on the other side of the bedroom, and you were so relieved, you almost let go of the tree. Almost. Invigorated by the sight of your target, you clumsily climbed onto a branch that extended toward the window and crawled along it, scratching up your arms and feeling the scraping against your pants. Once you got close enough, you tapped on the glass, scaring the hell out of the room’s occupant. He couldn’t quite see you in the darkness, but he could tell someone was out there.

He seemed like such a fearless badass when you saw him out and about, but now, he was cautious, suspicious, as he approached the window. Wise, you figured, since he had no clue who you were, or what you wanted. He reached for something off to the side of the window with his left hand, before lifting it with his right.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” you greeted, nonchalant. “I’m surprised you’re still up. Hopped up on Mountain Dew or something?”

He relaxed and said your name in relief before looking at you, eyebrow cocked in question. “I don’t need it to stay up. What are you doing here?”

“I was just on my way home from the party, and I saw your bike in the driveway. I thought I’d come tell you the good news.”

“What good news? And wait, is your ride waiting for you?”

You pinched the tip of your tongue between your teeth to suppress a smile that you had no doubt would make you look like a dork, turning your head away. “I guess the answers to those questions kind of go hand in hand. I got a ride to the party with her royal majesty, as you saw when we ran into each other at the convenience store earlier, but she wasn’t so willing to give me one home after I told her where to stick her Louboutins and then promptly ruined them. Guess I’m not such a spineless jellyfish, huh?”

He chuckled, a low roll of his gravelly voice that sent a white hot sensation shooting right between your legs. “I never said you were, but well done.”

“You didn’t say it outright, but the subtext of our previous conversation led me to believe you at least thought it. Was I wrong?”

You played it cool, pretending to look at your nails, just for something to do. You wouldn’t let him see you sweat, wouldn’t let him know just how much his opinion affected you.

“I wouldn’t go trying to make a career as a mind reader, if I were you,” he quipped with a smirk. “I never thought that.”

“Then enlighten me,” you countered, giving up the pretense of being interested in your nails. A chill ran down your spine as a breeze went by, driving you to rub your arms again.

Concern flashed through his eyes, and he turned his head to the door to his room. It was firmly shut, as he usually kept it, but he wanted to make sure.

“Would you like to come in and get warm?” He offered, sounding somewhat hesitant, and suddenly, his whole persona seemed to change. The boy you knew from school that took down two other guys without flinching was nowhere to be found.

You weren’t sure how you felt. He invited you in, which was a step closer to your goal, but you were not planning on him being soft. It was fine that he wasn’t the total punk you thought he was. He had a harsh exterior for the outside world, but in his domain, he let his guard down. That was great, and it didn’t make you any less attracted to him, but you had built up the nerve to go after the guy you thought you’d taunt and tease into fucking you so hard into his mattress, you’d leave an impression. You weren’t prepared to deal with someone that you got a sense would begin blushing and stuttering if your bra strap showed. You’d have to retreat and regroup. At least this would distract you from your impending social murder.

“Um, no. It’s okay. I’ll just head home. Thanks, though.”

“Don’t be difficult. Come in and warm up, then I’ll take you home,” he insisted, the hard edge to his tone that you were familiar with coming out.

You bit your bottom lip as an idea came to you and started working your way back to the trunk of the tree.

“No, it’s fine.”

He said your name gruffly. “Just come in.”

“Make me,” you challenged.

“I’ll be at the bottom of that tree before you make it down. You think I won’t drag you in here?”

There it was, that side you were accustomed to, but it would probably go away if you went in, which was what you wanted to do… Or maybe you could keep pretending to resist while doing what you wanted.

“Fine. I’ll come in for a minute and warm up, but you’re not taking me home.”

You managed to get in through his window without falling and breaking your neck, or embarrassing yourself into an early grave.

His eyes were narrowed at you, and he didn’t look pleased. Perfect. “Why are you being a pain about this?”

“I just don’t want to trouble you,” you said innocently.

“It’s no trouble,” he insisted.

“Of course it is. You’d be leaving your warm bed.” Your eyes did a quick visual sweep of your surroundings, noting that he was very neat, before returning your gaze to him. “Sounds like the worst kind of trouble to me. Really, I’ll be just fine.”

“Not happening,” he nearly growled, sending a pleasurable shiver down your spine. Oh, you were going to have fun with this, if you could get him right where you wanted him.

“What are you going to do? Find some way to temporarily glue my ass to the seat of your bike?”

“If I have to. If I do, I’ll use the glue on your mouth as well..”

You gave him a haughty smirk. Just one more push ought to do it.

“You’re cute. Call me when you have a real threat.” You headed for the window. “Goodnight.”

You could practically hear the destruction of the last vestiges of his patience with you, even over the creak of the floor beneath your feet. It was glorious, even when you thought your arm might be ripped out of the socket as he fiercely pulled you back by your elbow.

“What will it take for you to get some reason in that thick head?” He snarled. Before tonight, that probably would have freaked you out at the very least. Now all it did was make it really hard not to rub your thighs together in excitement.

“Maybe you should teach me a lesson,” you said, thinking that you sounded pretty lame, but there was no going back. “Maybe I’ll learn then.”

Your bodies were pressed together, and you wondered if he was as aware of it as you were.

“What lesson?”

You gave yourself five seconds to formulate a witty response before saying to hell with it and pulling him in by the front of his long sleeved shirt, smashing your lips against his. You had no idea how he was going to react after his body came out of the total freeze it went into when your lips connected. You wondered if he'd ever been kissed before- you couldn’t be the only girl who wanted him enough to make a move- and thought that you wouldn’t be surprised if he shoved you away. You honestly congratulated yourself for getting as far as you had. You gave it your best, but the kiss went completely stale after almost ten seconds of no feedback from him, so you let go, stepped back, and gave him a blank stare.

Normally, you would have apologized, and you guessed that you should have, for forcing it on him and the microsecond of shock it caused, but you couldn’t bring yourself to. You’d wanted it too badly to truly feel sorry, even if the response wasn’t what you’d hoped for.

“I’ll see you Monday. I hope you enjoy watching me be socially crucified, I’m sure it will be quite a show,” you sighed. Once again, you made for the window, figuring that he wouldn’t bother stopping you this time. You might have startled him out of his harsher persona.

You were wrong.

As before, you were yanked back by your elbow, your shoulder crying out in protest, only to relax a little as he held you by your shoulders with your back to his chest.

“Where do you think you’re going?” It was a guttural sound right in your ear that made your knees quake, and drew a hoarse whisper from you.

“Holy fuck.”

There was nothing else to be said as he spun you around and slammed his mouth on yours, as you had done to him. It was demanding. It was sloppy-

It was hot.

His hand pulled at the little hairs at the nape of your neck, eliciting a low moan from your throat as he devoured you. Clearly, it was not inexperience that had stalled him. If it was, he was a fucking natural, because he wasn’t hesitating at all, and you were way too caught up in the way his tongue was exploring your largest orifice to care if his technique was lacking.

You realized you had almost frozen up, but in your defense, he was hitting you with a hell of a lot more than you had hit him.

There was just one problem. You came to be fucked, not dominated, so you needed to get your ass in gear. Right.

You pulled away enough to look him in the eyes, and damn it, you could have combusted, leaving nothing but scorch marks on the wood floor.

Keep it together, you scolded yourself as you tried to send the same molten gaze back at him. He smirked, and you knew you had the side of him you'd come for- and hopefully would be cumming for. When this was done, if he still wanted anything to do with you, you’d see about getting to know the other side you only got a peek at.

“Was your story about walking home from the party true, or was this your game all along?” He questioned.

“A little of both. I really was walking home from the party when I saw your bike, and I thought I’d take a chance. I’ve been thinking about it since I first saw you.”

“Is that so?” His smirk deepened.

“It is.” You pushed him toward his bed, surprising him a little. When the backs of his legs hit the edge of the mattress, you shoved him down. Oh, the sweet look on his face when he realized that you weren’t just going to let him have his way. You wish you had taken a picture. You kicked off your shoes and got on top of him, straddling his hips, then kissed him feverishly, making up for the lukewarm advance you had made.

“I’m always in control,” he said, interrupting you. He meant it as a warning. You took it as a challenge.

“Then this will be a new experience for you,” you purred. “If you’re good, I’ll give you a nice moan of your name. Would you like that?”

He glared, and it just made you clench your thighs tighter against his hips. You ran your tongue over your bottom lip and stared down at him with a wicked gleam in your eye.

“Where should I start?” You pondered, raking your eyes over his upper body. You weren’t even going to touch his bottom half beyond what you already were until you could get him to submit. You slipped a hand under his shirt, curious to find out what kind of shape he was in. He was definitely lean, but your touch detected taut muscles- was that a six pack?- and a firm chest.

“You feel nice,” you complimented him, noting the faintest blush on his cheeks. You flashed him a grin, which made your following command seem a lot less commanding. “Sit up.”

He complied as you backed up enough to allow him, but reluctance was written all over his face, at least until you grabbed the hem of his long sleeved shirt and pulled upward. His smirk returned as he allowed you to remove it and put it to the side, granting you a view of his semi-chiseled torso- confirming that yes, you had felt a six pack- and sending a pulse of need to your heat. Without warning, your mouth latched on the pulse point at the base of his throat, sending a vibration through it with a controlled moan that came from your chest.

The ensuing groan and buck of his hips dragged a not so controlled moan from you.

“My family is home,” he hissed.

“Then kick me out or keep it down,” you snapped back. “What will it be?”

“Why me?” He asked, and you saw that softer side of him for a second before he hid from you once more. “Just convenient? Did you leave the guys you wanted back at the party?”

The question put lust and hormone driven dominance on the back burner as you locked eyes with him, frowning. To be fair, he had a right to ask, and he had reasonable suspicion. The demand to know whether or not he was just a generic dick for you to get off on made you respect him more, which fueled your desire.

“I don’t want any of them. You’re new to town, so let me tell you that most of them, and that’s understating it, haven’t grown up since junior high. They’re boorish and brainless. You… You’re beautiful. I thought so the moment I first saw you.”

His bright eyes widened, and you noticed that he leaned back on his hands, putting him further away from you. Fine.

“I want to ride you until I break you,” you admitted shamelessly. “But I wasn’t thinking that when we were talking earlier tonight. I was enjoying our banter, your dry humor, your commentary on how society needs to change… All of that, with the help of some liquid courage and luck is why I’m here. Trust me, I wouldn’t have climbed a tree in these tight pants for convenience. I risked my neck and I didn’t even know for sure that it was your window before I did it. Good enough for you?”

Those eyes… They were as wide as they could go, almost enough to hide the bags underneath. He couldn’t have leaned further away. You just sighed. He obviously had never believed that anyone who may have confessed to him before was genuine. It was a crying shame.

“Are we doing this, or are you just going to hang me out to dry?” You gave a weak laugh, handed him his shirt, then leaned to one side, bringing the other leg over. It didn’t make it. You were stopped when a calloused hand caught you behind the knee and forcefully put it back where it was. Just as your eyes darted to a smug looking face, you were thrusted against hard.

“Fuck!” You gasped and immediately pressed back and rolled your hips, effectively wiping the smirk away. As he groaned through gritted teeth, you chuckled. “I guess this means I’m yours tonight?”

“No,” he growled. “It means you’re mine until further notice.”

“That works for me.”

Quick as a flash, you chopped at the inside of his elbows, making his arms buckle, and putting him flat on his back once again.

“Be good,” you chirped, then attacked his neck again. You brushed your lips up the column of his throat, then ran the tip of your tongue down it. It was a soft start, but you felt him already tensing beneath you. One hand was at the back of your head again, pulling any hair he could get a grip on, the other was at the base of your spine and moving down, over the curve of your ass. You tormented his neck only a minute longer before directing your attention to the area that wouldn’t be visible beneath the collar of his shirt.

His other hand grabbed your shirt as he tried to keep the noise you were thoroughly enjoying down. Breathy sighs occasionally replaced the muffled moans as you mercilessly created a necklace of love bites. Your name floated off his lips, leading to a serene smile from you.

“You’re doing very well,” you praised. You ceased decorating him with hickies for the moment. “I’ll let you pick a reward.”

And he was scowling again as he pushed himself up. Still, he was rather gentle as he started lifting the bottom of your shirt up. You complied, moved your arms to allow him to remove it, then raised yourself up on your knees. His eyes eagerly drank in the view of all the newly exposed flesh. His hands felt up your sides, your back, your stomach. Everything he could appreciate, he did, solidifying in your mind that you had made a really good choice. Especially when he dotted kisses around your navel.

You whispered his name, drawing his attention up to you. You sat back down on his legs and pressed your lips to his tenderly. He was so lost, it seemed. You couldn’t figure him out for the life of you. Oh well. All the more reason to spend time with him.

When you broke the kiss, he stared at you like you were the most complex puzzle. You struggled not to shy away from the intense way he studied you.

“Back to work,” you declared, knocking him back down. You resumed marking him from just above his chest, all the way down to the line of his hips. The lower you went, the deeper and more desperate the sounds became. You stopped at the elastic band at the top of his cotton pants. You weren’t sure he could take anymore than that, whether or not he’d say he could. The tent in his pants spoke enough for him.

“So very good,” you praised again. He was almost drooling as he looked back at you, eyes half closed. There was no way he’d ever had someone take control of him before. He wouldn’t be falling apart at the seams if he had. You placed your groin right over his, torturing both of you as they lightly pressed together, separated by a few layers of fabric.

“You ready?” You checked.

“I don’t have any protection on hand,” he sighed, propping himself up on his elbows.

“Do you have anything you could possibly pass to me? How recently have you been tested?”

He shook his head as his eyes averted from you and there was a dusting of pink over his cheeks. “I don’t need to be tested. I’ve never gone that far.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” you assured him. “I haven’t either, but I am on the pill.”

“You’re just naturally this forward? I would never have guessed.” He bore an amused smile.

You giggled. “I told the mythic bitch off. I’m ready to take on the world.”

“I would have paid to see that.”

“I’m sure someone recorded it. Now shut up. The only word I want to hear coming out of your mouth for the next little while is my name,” you commanded, your voice dropping to a sultry pitch, causing his eyes to enlarge a bit once again.

You maintained your position over him as the two of you got down to business, until-

“Gaara!” You moaned through the hand covering your mouth as you rocked against each other and he nailed that one spot. There, you fulfilled your promise and delivered his reward for behaving for you.

He didn’t need to be good anymore, and had you not said his name in such a needy way, he might have been content to let you keep up your little domination game. But you did. And you scratched his back so hard, he’d be feeling it for a week.

After you reached a much better high than any drug could give you, you were far too weak, his bed was far too comfy, and his arms were far too warm for you to leave.

How did a night that started so great become a massive shit storm? You didn’t give a flying fuck. You got everything you wanted by the time you fell asleep, your back to your boyfriend’s chest, and by god, it was beautiful.

[seizethesam]

Ode to an Angel-Chapter 1

Summary: You had been alone in this apocalyptic world since you got seperated from your old group and lost your brother. You were on your way to an old metal factory in the hopes of finding your former group when a herd of walkers dragged you in to the woods. You took refuge in a hut, where you met him. You have got a long road ahead and some reckoning to do.

A/N: Hey guys! the first chapter of my brand new Daryl series is finally here. I wrote for Sam Drake for a short period of time and took a looong hiatus. But it is finally time for reunion. I hope you will all enjoy it. Happy reading!!! xx seizethesam

Pearing: Daryl Dixon x Female Reader

This chapter’s recommended song is “My Least Favorite Life from “True Detective” by Lera Lynn. 

Youtube   Spotify

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"So he took his wings, and fled;

Then the morn blushed rosy red.

I dried my tears, and armed my fears

With ten thousand shields and spears. "

-William Blake

The forest was not acting on your behalf. Every tree you dodged was slowing you down, which was the last thing you wanted. The herd of dead was gaining on you, limping their ways towards your direction. You assumed that there were at least thirty of them —and let's be honest, you could not take all of them.

You were exhausted, the only thing you wanted the most right now was laying on a comfortable bed, eating whatever snack you would wish to have. But no... Those days were over a long time ago. Now the only things you had were starvation, exhaustion, loneliness, and a bunch of walking dead that were hungry for your soft flesh.

You had been trying to push your happy remembrances to the back of your memory for a long time now that you started to fear if you had forgotten them. Your mom, dad, brother—No, you would never- could never forget him. He had been your rock since the world went to shit, he had been doing everything in his power to keep you safe.

Now you were alone in god knows where. You were making your way towards the old metal factory outside the city where your former group could’ve settled when the herd came out of nowhere and led you into the woods.

You glanced back at the herd and saw that you have outrun them enough to catch your breath for a second. You stopped and leaned your back against a tree, trying to stabilize your fast-paced breathing. The loud growling of the herd was filling your ears and the smell of the rotten flesh was starting to water your eyes, making your vision blurry. For split second you close your eyes, take a deep breath to motivate yourself to continue running.

Growling sounds of the herd were exploding among the trees and meeting with your ears in a raucous matter. I need to move, now... The earth was rough under your feet despite your shoes. You could not remember how long you had been on the road like this; an excruciatingly uncomfortable backpack on your back, a gun around your thigh, and a knife attached to your belt… The blisters forming on the soles of your feet told you that it had been a long time, real long time. 

You began walking through the dark green trees. The Georgian sun was shining through the tree branches, falling on your skin to warm your flesh. Your legs were failing to carry the weight, and eyes were struggling to stay open due to the lack of energy. You didn’t even remember the last time your belly was full let alone remembering eating something decent. For the past few weeks, your menu consisted of energy bars and crappy canned food.

Today on your lunch was half a can of beans and two sips of water. The sun was getting closer to its horizon as reddish sun rays reflected upon the shiny green tree leaves, the scenery imitated a thousand sunsets all at once. Your heart leaps up at the beauty of the moment. There still are good things. That was what you wanted to believe. 

“There still are good things” you whispered to yourself, a faint smile appeared on your lips as you admired the view. 

While drinking the beauty of the wild, reckless nature, you spotted a brownish-black silhouette from the corner of your eye. When you turned your head towards the figure, you could not help the soft chuckle. It was a cottage. Without thinking twice, you made your way towards the small wooden building which looked like a single room shelter built for hunting trips. You stopped your tracks at the front of the tiny porch. There could be walkers inside, or maybe people.

You needed to be smart, careful, and needed to make most of your weapons; A 9mm with two bullets in its clip, and a hunting knife. You still did not trust yourself with the gun, but you could handle your knife just enough, enough to keep you alive this far. 

Slowly you approached to dusty stairs of the porch, carefully you stepped on the first stair. It did not squeak. You take two more steps for the other two stairs. When the last wooden step raised a surprisingly loud squeal, you heard a familiar snarl inside the old shed. 

Automatically your hand reached for the handle of your knife, taking it out of its holster. You raised the knife in front of you with a defensive pose and slowly made your way towards the tiny window near the door. The window was failing to serve its purpose as it was covered with dust and dirt, you could not see through it. If there was an unfriendly person inside, he could see you wiping the window. You crossed looking through the window off the list.

You leaned your back against the wooden wall, held your breath, and just listened to what was inside, but you didn’t hear anything other than the dead’s annoying snarl. After a few moments, deciding that there is only one biter inside, you reached for the doorknob. 

To your surprise the door was not locked, so you gladly stepped inside. Across the door was a sofa slightly covered with dust, and to your left was a small counter with two small cabinets behind it. The tiny area on the left resembled an unfunctional kitchen, but still, it was something. There behind the counter, a walker was standing, mindlessly trying to move but hitting against the wall.

When you entered the cabin, it turned its attention to your direction and took a few shambling steps towards you. Your knees were shaking, heart pounding against your ribcage. Being face to face with a walker in a tiny space as this cabin sent shivers down your spine. Just like he had taught me, no time to be scared. With that thought, you wrapped your hand around the biter's neck and pushed it against the wall as a contained gruff escaped your mouth, carefully maintaining it at arm's length. You forced the knife with your other hand to its dirty, glassy grey eye, and towards its brain. The moment that its brain had greeted your knife, the body fell on the ground with a thud, allowing you to let out a comforting sigh. 

Without wasting any time, you moved to the kitchenette hoping to find something to eat, but more importantly, water. Your half bottle water was not going to last any longer than a day, even though you were drinking no more than needed. 

You started with the drawers beneath the counter. In the first drawer were rusty scissors and four pieces of nail. The second drawer- empty. The third times the charm- empty. The fourth drawer, well the fourth drawer was bliss. There were two cans of mushroom soup, a can of cooked rice, and a whole bottle of water that will help you another two days. You persisted with the cabinets, but your luck did not. You only found a short black worn-out rope, you did not know how to use it, yet you took it anyway. 

You laid all your belongings on the counter deciding on an inventory check. All you had were five canned food including the new ones, two energy bars, a full bottle of water and your half-full bottle, a pack of tampons, rope, a flashlight, half a box of painkillers, one roll toilet paper, toothpaste and toothbrush, a detailed map of Georgia, a box of matches, a swiss knife, sterile compress, a hunting knife, a gun, and two bullets. If you did not return to the highway of anywhere near the city, you would not make it any more than three days in the woods. The city was dangerous but there was more chance of finding food and water. 

You put your stuff back to your backpack without wasting any more time. You locked the door of the cabin and dragged the body of the walker to another corner. The stench was not unbearable but still uncomfortable. You did not have any other choice other than keeping it here. Otherwise, there was a chance that someone with ill intentions could spot the body and assume that someone was inside the cabin. You could not take that chance. After securing the door, you slowly turn to the dirty sofa, its designs are no longer recognizable because of the dirt.

You lightly took one of the cushions and turn it over to reveal the clearer side. It had brown and red plaid patterns. You could not help but remember the similar ones from your family's house. It was just like the sofa that you and your older brother used to play card games. Your heart sinks at the thought and you turn the other cushion as well. 

When it was all done and well, you laid on the sofa letting out a deep sigh. Your feet hanged from the end of the sofa and instantaneously all the exhaustion of the past few days sat on your whole body like an ox as your eyes slowly gave in to sleep. 

"No! One more!" thirteen-year-old you shouted at the older brother. He had just returned from college for the summer break, "You think I'm cheating?" he said disapprovingly. 

"I know you're cheating," you said raising one brow at your brother. "You haven’t lost a game since we started." 

"That's 'cause I'm a pro. Don't be such a sore loser," he said mockingly. He got up from his seat and made his way towards his old room, while you were venting to your mother about the game. A few minutes later he exited the room with one hand hidden behind his back. 

" Whatcha got there? " You asked. He revealed his hand and swung a little red piece of rope. "Here, take this," he said giving you the piece. "For your luck," You took it from his hand and realize that it was a bracelet with a four-leaf clover in the middle. 

"Very funny," you said smiling at the older boy, "Help me with it." 

He grasped the tiny piece of rope and gently tied it to your wrist. You lifted your head to face him, he was much taller than you now. 

"So much for a cheater," you said with a grin. 

Throughout childhood, you and your brother were as close as a brother and a sister could be. But you had never known what your brother thought, what was going on his mind, his dreams. 

You abruptly opened your eyes to see a man towering you with his tall figure. He was wearing a sleeveless flannel shirt and dirty, ripped pants that seem a little big for his figure. His one foot was on the small coffee table and had a crossbow aimed at your face. Shit. His piercing stare was making the situation even more fearful for you. Your heart was pounding like a drum set in a rock concert when you raised your arms to level your head in a surrendering pose. He still did not speak but you spotted a change in his stance. He must've noticed that you were afraid as he hesitantly lowered his crossbow just an inch, his shoulders stiffened. 

"Look, um…I-I don't want any trouble," you say when the man maintained the silence. His eyes were fixed on yours; it was almost like he was trying to read your thoughts. "You can take whatever…" Silence. "I don't have much, but…" You were slowly sitting up. 

"Stay put!" he finally spoke. His voice sounded like more of a gruff, demanding but not a yell." Put your gun and knife on the table,” he said pointing at your gear.

"No-I'm j-" you refused to give your gears that have been keeping alive. 

"Ain't gonna ask again," his voice was dangerously low. It was then you realized that he had a southern accent.  

"Okay," you say with a voice no louder than a whisper, and reluctantly put the knife and the gun on the table. He took and tucked them in his belt after checking the clip. He completely lowered the crossbow and made his way towards the kitchenette with hurried steps. He quickly checked the cabinets before he moved towards the drawers, in which you had left three of your canned food. He stopped for a second, then continued. You could tell that he was filling his bag with your food. 

"The hell ya doin' here?" he asked you, still busy with the bag.

"What?" You don't understand why he was curious all of a sudden.

"Ya alone in tha' woods just with two bullets." he said disbelievingly.

" I was on the main road when a herd dragged me here," you said not knowing if it is safe to share your plans with a total stranger. "I was waiting for the herd to spread out." 

He let out a growl as a response, but you couldn’t really figure out it meant. 

"Do you know how I can go to the old metal factory,” You debated for a moment whether to ask him where the factory was. Your former group had always talked about moving somewhere outside the city where they could be away from the walkers and draw in more survivors.

"What's there?" he asked drawing his eyes from his bag to you. 

"I-I don't know," you genuinely did not know what to expect from the factory, but you were willing to give it shot. This was the least you can do for your brother. He moved away from the counter when he was finally finished and stopped on his tracks to get a good look at you. 

You hadn’t seen yourself for a long time, but you could guess how bad you looked; greasy hair to the tips, hollow cheeks, dark under eyes, skin covered with dirt and blood… 

"Ya ain't too far", he finally said and made his way to the little window. "About twenty miles south, down this way" he continued pointing his finger out the window. “Ya got a map?” he asked. 

You nodded as you slowly took out the map from your backpack, laying it on the table. He knelt down across you and began to examine the map. After a few seconds, he traced a route with his index finger. 

“Ya need to go over tha’ river, there should be a bridge,” he said. This man just had taken half your food and now he was helping you. You did not know why but you were not interested in questioning his kindliness. 

At this point you didn’t even know who to trust, this man could even lead you into a trap for that matter. But you knew that the factory would be somewhere near the area he was showing you. 

“Thank you,” you said turning your head to face him. 

He got up from his knees as he let out a humming sound as a response.

       --------------

“Ya gonna need more than just two bullets if ya gonna take tha’ route,” he said putting your gun and knife back on the table and left the cottage closing the door behind him.

 Chapter 2

Author’s Note: The first chapter is here you guys! I must admit that it is a little longer than I’ve planned but please bear with it. I hope you all enjoyed reading it. It feels so great to finally share something with you. Feedback is always appreciated. Please send me your opinions about the story. 

[purplesurveys]

891

Could you live without power for a week? I wouldn’t die, but it would really suck because then I’d have to watch out for my phone’s and laptop’s battery life, plus it would be incredibly uncomfortable without electric fans and aircons...I wouldn’t die, but I’d hate it. When was the last time you slept on the floor? The day before I got sick. End of May.  Have you regretted anything you said today? No. I haven’t talked to anyone; it’s only 7:59 in the morning. What do you think about airport security? I think it’s essential. I understand why they have to be rigid; better that than not at all. How many doors are in your house? I just answered this on a recent survey, how interesting lol. 13.

Do you keep a journal? This is it. What was the last thing you wished for? A tray of baked sushi. Do you pray? No. Do you like it when your date pays, or do you feel bad? I feel bad, but I’m also appreciative. I only let her pay when I’m short, or when I’m craving a certain restaurant but don’t have the budget for it that day. Most of the time we prefer splitting the bill. Do you spoil your friends? Just my girlfriend.  Are cramped places scary? Not for the most part but my anxiety will sometimes get triggered. But what happens and what sucks about it is that it gets set off at the most random times, so I never really know when I’m bound to get scared. Would you ever consider riding in a trunk? If it was a dare and I’d be paid handsomely for it then I don’t see why not. Does it irritate you when a fellow passenger brings lots of luggage? No. Their business shouldn’t bother me. Ever been leeched by a leech? Nope. Have you ever lied to make someone dislike you? Why would I actively make someone dislike me? Ever had a fear of mirrors? No, I find them fascinating. All four walls in the elevators of the hotel that my mom works in are mirrors, and they’re fun to take photos with haha. What song can you not stop listening to? Right now it’ssssss no song without you - HONNE. Do you take vitamins? Yeah we take vitamin C tablets every night, but sometimes I’ll forget. What's the longest you've stayed at a hotel? A week. Do you buy your music or download? I stream them on Spotify. I used to either buy CDs (usually if I was a big fan of the artist/band) or convert YouTube audio to MP4 to transfer it to my iTunes. Do any of your friends grow weed? No. Not that I know of, at least. Do you like arguing? I don’t like fighting, but if by arguing you mean having a respectful and civil debate then yes, those are fun. Does it bother you when people don't say goodbye before hanging up? It doesn’t really bother me? It just confuses me haha. I need a verbal cue to know when I can hang up. If the person on the line doesn’t say bye I’ll just linger on the phone waiting until it starts to feel awkward and I go initiate the bye instead. Have you ever owned an unlucky object? I don’t believe in those. Do you think voodoo works? No but it’s funny to think about sometimes, in a childish way. What habit do you find most disgusting? I really hate seeing people spit in public. Usually it’s truck drivers or their co-drivers. I always encounter at least one spitter while driving everyday, and it has never failed to make me shudder. Do you often feel ignored? It’s not a strong feeling, no. Can you read music? This is on every survey lately... no I can’t.

Are you optimistic? Sometimes. I think I’m a healthy balance of that and pessimism. Does it scare you to walk over sewer vents in the street? Yes. I always avoid them or skip over them, especially the ones that are already obviously unstable and wobble when someone steps on them. Is your lifestyle healthy or unhealthy? Unhealthy. I don’t watch what I eat and I’ve never entered a gym. But idk, the genes on my mom’s side are impressive and all of us have decent physiques and never get sick – my grandma is 74 but can honestly pass for 50 – so I must’ve taken after that side of the family. Is it easy for you to remember stuff? Yeah, very. Except for numbers. Last electronic object you drowned? That has never happened to any of my gadgets, fortunately. How well do you handle responsibility? Depends how comfortable I am with the task at hand and how much I already have on my plate, if ever. But I never not get anything done. I’m very deadline-driven and everyone who knows me knows I turn in everything asked of me at the end of the day, even if I don’t think I did well enough. Are you afraid of getting old? Sometimes I’ll start to get scared at how short life actually is and what can possibly happen after it, but these are fleeting thoughts. I like living in the present. What's something you wish you could start over? College. Just so I can do my freshman year the way I actually wanted it to go. Are you a loud person? In certain situations. I love being loud with my friends in a bar or when we’re at an amusement park, but I prefer that we don’t make a ruckus at the mall or at a restaurant. Do you believe in guns? No. I honestly don’t understand those who buy it for themselves when they can get other weapons if they’re really hell-bent on self-defense. But idk, I guess I’m speaking from a place (like, a literal place lol) where it’s extremely uncommon for ordinary people to get themselves guns. Are porcelain dolls attractive, or scary? Neither. I just find them a little unsettling, but not scary. Are you friends with someone because you feel bad for them? Not currently. But one time I did try to befriend someone who would be considered a loner, but I realized we had different personalities and interests so I stopped talking to her after a while. Oops. Do you like back rubs? No, I’m ticklish. Do you give good ones? No.

Which of your friends provides the most stimulating conversations? All of them do, to tell the truth. I guess I’m just automatically drawn to intelligent people haha. Do you wish to go to London? It’s not high up on my list but eh, sure. Have you ever felt like you were in a movie? No. I feel that movies are outlets for situations that would never happen in real life, so I’ve never felt as if I was in one. Do you drink enough water daily? I don’t drink the ~recommended~ amount but I still the drink the most in my family. Is burning things fun? I’d rather watch other people burn things. I’m scared of fire, so.

Do you like morbid things? Some. Can you sew? Nope. Have you ever just sat and read a dictionary? Oh my god yeah... after I watched Akeelah and the Bee for the first time I wanted to start joining spelling bees too, so I’d whip out my dictionary almost everyday and start reading the words. There were never any competitions to join here, but from 4th to 7th grade we would have spelling quizzes in our English language class and I aced all of those. Whose cooking do you most despise? No one’s. I love the cooking of all my loved ones. When you were little, did your parents make you sit in the corner? No but in school they made me do it once, for something that wasn’t my fault. My parents didn’t have any methods to discipline me because I was mostly a well-behaved kid anyway. Red roses, or black roses? Red. Do you blast your music concert-loud? I used to. Don’t really do it anymore. Do any of your exes bother you? Nope. Do you like taking pictures of yourself? Hell no. The camera has never been my friend. How about just taking pictures? I like taking photos of my dogs, my best friends, the food I eat, and new places I go to. So to an extent, I do. I don’t dabble in photography though; I just like taking snapshots.

Is cheaper really better? Sometimes, especially when you’re naturally good at hunting down that kind of stuff. My sister will sometimes find Zara jeans or jackets for like ₱80 at an ukay-ukay lol Last thing you ordered from Amazon? I’ve never ordered anything off of Amazon. Or do you prefer ebay? Never ordered from eBay either. Are you good at writing cards for people? I love writing letters for my loved ones. I never buy cards that already have text in them as I want the whole thing to come from me. Do you like camping? I’ve never tried it so I wouldn’t know. I want to go camping at least once though, and with my best friends. Last place you were stranded? The highway. Do you like dragonflies? Omg no they freak me outtt. How many pages is the novel you're currently reading? I’ve started to reread Little Women because I’m planning to watch the 2019 adaptation, but I’m not sure how many pages it has. What's something everybody's never heard of? The sound of a tree falling in the middle of the jungle that no person is currently in. Hahaha that was my philosophy professor’s favorite example to use. Are your talents recognized? I think they are, yes. Can you handle silence for long periods of time? Only if I need it. Otherwise it tends to make me uneasy. Do you do well against temptation? For the most part, yep. But if food is involved I usually fail lol

[a-ffection]

1-99 🐸

BET YOU THOUGHT I WOULDNT DO IT SCRUB. I tagged this #long post if yall dont want to see it btw sorry

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

According to Spotify Me its 1. Hail to the King - Avenged Sevenfold 2. The Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson 3. Holy Diver - Killswitch Engage 4. Sick Like Me - In This Moment 5. Girls in Black - Airbourne 6. Shrike - Hozier 

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

MY SOULMATE DAMMIT

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

ugh ”Now the bad news, im afraid, is that we won't be home for supper.”

4: What do you think about most?

Money

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“Maybe not” - from you

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Without8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls are cute; Boys are cute but at what cost?

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Yup

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

Idk last week11: Do you have any strange phobias?

Public bathrooms and men with neck or face tattoos

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

When i was younger i used to stick straws up my nose

13: What’s your religion?

Roman Catholic

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Walking the thot

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind, I don't trust most ppl to take pics of me

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Uhhh Avenged Sevenfold probably

17: What was the last lie you told?

idr

18: Do you believe in karma?

Yup

19: What does your URL mean?

It’s pretty self-explanatory 

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Procrastination; Loyalty 

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Currently Henry Cavill 

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Its on my to-do list

23: How do you vent your anger?

Chores lol

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

Mushroom decor, books

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

TEXT

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Happier yes

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

Crowds; Nature

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

”what if i tried harder and passed this class the first time around?”

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

YES x2

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Cell phone; cookie

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

Nothing really

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

LA

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

West Coast

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Hozier

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

To impact the world and/or its inhabitants in a positive way. 

36: Define Art.

Art makes you feel some typaway

37: Do you believe in luck?

Yes, only because i have horrible luck

38: What’s the weather like right now?

drizzling

39: What time is it?

6:23pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

yes and yes

41: What was the last book you read?

Sea of Strangers by Lang Leav

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yes

43: Do you have any nicknames?

Jaz, Jazzy, princess, noob (curtesy of my bro) 

44: What was the last film you saw?

Ready or Not

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Hairline fracture. Urban Air. Rock wall. Jumped off. Ouch.48: What’s your sexual orientation?

I like boys

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

lmao YES

50: Do you believe in magic?

I believe in portals to other dimensions does that count?

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Yup

52: What is your astrological sign?

Leo

53: Do you save money or spend it?

Both

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

Starbucks

55: Love or lust?

Both

56: In a relationship?

No

57: How many relationships have you had?

idk

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

No

59: Where were you yesterday?

Why do you want to know frog boy?

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Dogs collar

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

No

62: What’s your favourite animal?

Owls

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

Be really nice and smiley to them but like in a low cut blouse66: What is your heritage?

Native North American. Mexican, Spaniard 

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Sleeping

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

Morningstar

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

I-

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Yess

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Save the dog, my boss is a cunt anyway.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

Uhg a) Yes b) Things ive always wanted to do c) Probably 

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Love, since it comes with trust anyway

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Hail to the King

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

6744

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Communication, trust, honesty, time, consideration, maturity, sexual attraction

77: How can I win your heart?

Have these traits: Beard, muscles, weeb, a sweetheart, sense of humor, be Catholic, have a decent career path, give me all the attention

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

yes

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

uhh

80: What size shoes do you wear?

9 in heels; 9.5 in shoes

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

Something that will make goth kids take pictures on my grave

82: What is your favourite word?

Bastard

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

The Sacred Heart cause im catholic and hispanic

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

Bad words and insults

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

Old Time Religion - Parker Millsap

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

Teal, Green, Red, Black, and Pink

87: What is your current desktop picture?

A pretty forest

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Id save it for a rainy day

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

”Have you ever watched hentai?”

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Put collars on them and teach them tricks

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Healing - people, the land, etc.

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

dunno

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Ive already did that according to the therapist i had

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Im saving myself for marriage 

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Ireland

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

Yes

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

Yes, when i was a kid

98: Ever been on a plane?

Yes, to Cali

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Your governments will always consider your freedom a burden

[buggerup-busters]

rotten expectations - a Hangman’s Knot Playlist

Spotify Link 

Another Set of Issues - OK Go

Polarize - Twenty One Pilots

The Kids from Yesterday - My Chemical Romance

Impossible - James Arthur

What A Catch, Donnie - Fall Out Boy

Johnny Boy - Twenty One Pilots

Chasing Rubies - Hudson Taylor

Hallelujah - Panic! At The Disco

House Of Gold - Twenty One Pilots

Just A Thought - Hudson Taylor

This is Gospel - Panic! At The Disco

Message Man - Twenty One Pilots

Oh Glory - Panic! At The Disco

The Run And Go - Twenty One Pilots

(Explanations under the cut)

Ok so these are all songs I like normally (hence the load of emo) and I mostly picked them for the lyrics, and tried to keep it to ones that make me think of the actual book. They’re pretty Will focused because obviously loads of the plot is him but also I just think about him on the daily anyway. I’m going to try explain what the songs make me think of and why I picked them:

Another Set of Issues -  It all seemed so perfect, it all seemed like everything was right / It all seemed so perfect, it all seemed so fine, until it was not / So keep your head down, keep your hands where I can see them / This will all be over soon, this will all be over soon

This song always makes me think of the sick feeling when you suddenly you’ve screwed up and probably should have seen it coming, and now all you can do is try ride it out, so this one is mostly Will in jail trying to figure out how it could have ended up like that.

Polarize -  I wanted to be a better brother, better son, / Wanted to be a better adversary to the evil I have done - and -  Polarize is taking your disguises, / Separating them, splitting them up from wrong and right,  / It's deciding where to die and deciding where to fight, / Deny, deny, denial 

So pretty obviously Will’s feelings about being a disappointment to his family and trying to think how he can change that, his always confident ‘disguise’, and also when he decides to stay and help Knotty and Eliza rather than escaping.

The Kids From Yesterday  -  This one’s more the general feeling of Knotty, Eliza and Will risking everything and all working together, all with their own fears about being a disappointment, and rebelling against authority trying to control their feelings (the whole thing of the Danger Days universe)

Impossible - okay this one is partly me having fun with a bit of melodrama, but ignore the romance bits and it’s basically ‘I was hurt and it’s my fault for being stupid and trusting you, so fine tell everyone I’m an idiot’ which is Will @ Flack for that whole scene.

What a Catch, Donnie - okay honestly this one was for ‘I got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match’ but I’m just realising it literally mentions ‘Miss Flack’ so this just has to go here anyway. But yeah I remember once my friend telling me the whole song was a promise to do better in the future and like thanks for everything so far, so it can fit overall.

Johnny Boy -  Get up, Johnny boy, get up, Johnny boy / Get up 'cause the world has left you lying on the ground / You're my pride and joy / Get up, Johnny boy, because we all need you now / We all need you now / I will carry all your names / And I will carry all your shame

This is kind of the second vents scene when Knotty’s reassuring Will, and kind of my thoughts of wanting to encouraging Will all the way through because I really want to see things turn out okay. 

Chasing Rubies -  This is not deja vu / I've never met somebody like you I'd like to tell you the truth / I hardly know you / And I don't want to let you go

I think I actually posted about this last night, but this song makes me think of Knotty thinking about Will ‘I’d like to tell you the truth’ !! and how much he risks for someone he doesn’t even know (like he says, not even just to avoid hanging him.) And like this is partly me being shippy but, him not really knowing why he likes Will so much, and ‘What if you don't like me / What if I'm being naive / Maybe it's love, sure I don't know’ is both him and Will fretting over how quickly feelings have come on. Also, I just really love Hudson Taylor. (The whole song also works for Mal&Wolfe)

Hallelujah -  ‘ No one wants you when you have no heart and / I'm sitting pretty in my brand new scars and / You'll never know if you don't ever try again’

That bit makes me think of Will feeling he’s too selfish/a bad person for anyone to want or like him, but Knotty and Eliza slowly convincing him to trust people again, and ‘I love the things you hate about yourself,’ being Knotty seeing the good in Will even when he can’t. The whole song always makes me think of understanding you’ve made a mistake but moving on and forgiving yourself.

House of Gold - Okay I don’t entirely understand this song but it’s here because I kinda think it’s about parental expectations of what to do with your life and wanting to do well by them, but also how things never work out as planned.

Just A Thought -  Get right out, get right out of my head / I dreamt that you'd come save me / You'd come help me when I needed a friend I dreamt that you'd come save me / And in the end we are free / When all the traces of trust are gone / And you never can explain when nothing is real

It’s Will’s trust in Flack being broken, and Knotty trying to save him.

This is Gospel - it says ‘insufferable bastards’ so it’s Will. Also the bits about ‘led away by imperfect imposters’ and ‘truth be told I never was yours, the fear, the fear of falling apart’ Otherwise, it’s mostly a vibe. 

Message Man -  A loser hides behind a mask of my disguise, / And who I am today is worse than other times, / You don't know what I've done, I'm wanted and on the run

Will’s feelings about himself and knowing he wasn’t doing the right thing, not feeling like he deserves the help Knotty and Eliza are giving.

Oh Glory -  Everything I promised everyone I'd be / Well I just ain't

Well what more do you need than that? But also the general feeling that something’s wrong, and doing what you know is dangerous/not right for glory, or in Will’s case his parent’s approval. 

The Run and Go -  I have killed a man and all I know / is I am on the run and go.

Actually @heylir pointed out this is a Will song on the Patreon Discord, so thanks for that :) So yeah, this one for me is Will being terrified and not really knowing how it’s gone this wrong, and struggling to keep up the unconcerned act around Knotty, and being really really glad he’s there.

[ascreamingstrawberry]

Friends

Summary: “He wasn’t happy, wasn’t sure if he felt any better, but at least his friends were here with him.” - Dee has a rough night, so his friends help him out. 

June 24th : Friendship, June 25th : Roceit, June 26th : Loceit, June 27th : DLAMP, June 28th : Patceit, June 29th : Anxceit, June 30th : FamILY

Pairings: None, like I swear they’re all platonic.

Word Count: 1,462

Warnings : sympathetic deceit!  mentions of gender/sexuality questioning, mentions of not eating, angst (lots of it). mentions of the band Bowling for Soup (yeah that one from Phinease + Ferb)

Notes : Ah this is a vent piece, whoops. Also suck at titles hep. If you find Good/Sympathetic Deceit triggering or you just don’t like it, don’t read. Leave a like, a reblog, message, and reply! I love hearing your comments.

It wasn’t uncommon to find Dee with his legs stretched out on the floor, back leaned up against to his desk, fighting the voice in his head that berated him. There was that little part of him that wanted to scream, wanted to tug at his hair, to kick his feet and demand that things go his way. He slipped his hands up in between the strands of his brown hair that he hadn’t washed today, resisting the urge to scratch at the clothes made his skin itch.

Dee didn’t want to care about what it meant to be a he, what it meant to feel wholeheartedly. Dee didn’t want to resist the twitch in his hands every time he watched one of his friends shower another in affection, celebrating each other’s uniqueness. Dee didn’t want to think about the difference of attraction to romance and romantic attraction, or the long list of broken hearts behind him that he tried to pass off as miscommunication. Or not finding the one yet.

He wanted to sleep, and never wake up. Stay in dreamland where things were either so fuzzy and hazy that he felt soft as cotton candy, or they were horrifying, the worst he’s ever felt. But at least he could clearly recall the fear embedded in every bone of his body, keeping him from speaking or moving. At least there he could feel.

Dee’s shoulders shook, twitching along with his stomach as he cried. The tears didn’t even run, damn things. They just stayed collected at the edges of his eyes, blurring his vision until he attempted to wipe them away with the back of a shaky hand. His mouth twisted up, and he turned a little to the left to avoid the stand up mirror facing him, he didn’t need more to feel bad at the moment. He wasn’t sure how long he had sat there, clutching the small stuffed snake that branded his university’s logo, until a knock interrupted him from his self pity.

It could have been an RA or anyone else, but of course it had to be Patton’s tenor voice coming through from the hallway. Dee imagined Patton had his head pressed against the wall next to his door, as he’s opened to the sight many times. Patton would usually be humming something, the energy in him buzzing through his veins causing him to bounce with almost every part of his body. He was taller than most, the tallest of their friends at least, and his limbs just stretched so far that he was kind of everywhere at once.

And Dee didn’t even consider that he would’ve had people with him, he was up and opening the door before his brain could catch up with him. His eyes registered that the other three were standing behind him, but all Dee could see was that damn blue polo of his being as short as Dee is, and next thing he knew his eyes were squeezed close and arms were being wrapped around him.

He was pushed further into his room, it suddenly felt smaller than any other room they’ve all been in together. Logistically that was because he was in a single, and they were in a kitchen suite with two double rooms and an empty, so his was smaller. But as he wrapped his arms around Patton’s waist, he wanted to be closer. He wanted just a little of the warmth or the joy that the older man radiated to transfer to him. Dee felt a hand slip between them, brushing away the hair falling over his eyes and collecting a bunch of tears with his thumb, a soft, sibling-like kiss pressed to the top of his hair. The move was comfortable, and he almost felt bad for pressing his cheek against the hand like until he heard Roman’s deep bass laugh a little wetly.

Dee lifted his head from Patton’s chest, tried to pull away in an attempt to gain some dignity back in a group where he never had any to begin with, when lanky arms wrapped his shoulders pulling him into another hug. A hand patted his back, and Logan stepped away, and Virgil’s hug was as soft as quick as it was rare.

“You wanna talk?” Patton asked, his voice low and quiet and fuck, Dee felt like a child the way he shook his head no in response, and practically made grabby paws at him. Patton smiled though, pulled him into a hug anyway as things moved around them.

By the time Dee pulled away, Roman was putting a handful of candy wrappers in the trash bin as he hummed along to an old Bowling for Soup song that Virgil had started playing from Dee’s open laptop. If Dee had the energy, he would reach over and close the email tab that was still open, the start of tonight’s breakdown, but he didn’t so it was left staring him down from across the room. A battle with his past, a reminder of the people he’s hurt, of how he’s evil, doesn’t deserve-

Virgil closed the tab. Didn’t just minimize it, apparently not caring at all what was on it as he pressed the little red x, but definitely noticing the way Dee’s eyes blinked back at him when it was gone. And now that he had his attention-“When’s the last time you ate anything besides those?”

Dee forced a smile passed his lips, wiped at his face, turned away from them, anything to not appear as weak and pathetic as he felt mumbling “Maybe Monday?”

“It’s Thursday.” Logan replied, there was a stiffness to his voice, and Dee bit his lip. They were mad, god he couldn’t even do so much as eat, and-laugh. Just laugh it off. Dee shrugged, smiling even though it kind of hurt, and mumbled an apology. “We should go get some real food in you then.”

Dee’s stomach wasn’t grumbling, it wasn’t like he was fighting against hunger of any kind, he just wasn’t hungry. So he just made a nonchalant noise, climbed over to use the step stool for his bed, being as he was shorter than most who kept their beds on the top notch, and wondered if they’d leave. “I can take care of myself, I know I act like it, but I’m not a baby.”

“No one called you a baby.” Roman replied, leaning against the closet door as a soft ukulele song played. Probably one of his additions, Dee thought to himself, the fact that the group tended to use his account since he was the only one with Spotify premium made him feel a little more integral.

Virgil sat in the chair by his desk, Pat joined Dee on the bed, and Logan leaned on his arm laid out next to the tv on his dresser. Roman bent down next to him, picking up a familiar flash of green and waving. “Childhood stuffed animal?”

“No.” Dee held his hands out and Roman tossed it his way, everyone kind of watching the way the shortest of them clutched the snake to his chest, pushing his face into it.

“I gave it to him.” Pat leaned over, nearly falling on top of Dee completely as he attempted to knock shoulders with him. Dee made a noise of agreement, soon enough the room would be filled with laughter and fond memories of middle school dance hits, but for now a smile came easy. He wasn’t happy, wasn’t sure if he felt any better, but at least his friends were here with him. 

The memory casted a ghost of a smile on Dee’s face as he pressed the face of the familiar stuffed snake into his tear filled face months later. He was cornered around buckets of his university stuff in the living room of his family’s one floored apartment. One of his sisters were sleepily loudly on the couch next to him as he scrolled through the photos from the previous semester hoping it would make him feel a little better. It didn’t. All it did was remind him that there would be more nights ahead like this. Trying to muffle his cries as his emotionally exhausted brain fought sleep for just one more hours as the same dreams that had comforted the desolate student, now only teased and terrorized him. It reminded him how empty the suite would feel with Patton no longer attending the school, Roman transferring in December, Virgil ignoring him, and Logan furious with him since he’d gone risked his health by forgetting to eat again. Yeah, the memory may have soothed him for a moment, but now all it did was make him miss them even more.

[scottidols]

14, 15 Ur dumb

What? 1-60? Omg, thank you so much for doing this completely unprovoked!1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.I don’t have iTunes so here’s from my Spotify:Fall Out Boy - Save Rock And RollWATERS - Ones You Had BeforeOf Monsters and Men - Love Love LoveMKTO - Just Imagine ItMarianas Trench - Truth Or DareHamilton - Cabinet Battle #22) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Uuhh Jeff Probst? To get the survivor gig going3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.It dropped the quiver on the altar.4) What do you think about most?Reality TV and Love. 5) Ever had a poem or song written about you?Not really, but kind of! A good fried commissioned to have a song written about our group and my name was in it! 6) Do you have any strange phobias?I don’t like eating/drinking after people, and I absolutely fucking hate armadillos.7) What’s your religion?Christianity, Non-denominational8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?Internally complaining about being outside9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?AJR10) What was the last lie you told?I don’t remember, but it’s almost definitely something D&D related 11) Do you believe in karma?Eh. Kinda? Not like... “Karma” per se, but something along the lines for sure.12) What does your URL mean?I go by Scott, and “Idols” is just because I love Survivor.13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?Laziness; Luck?14) Who is your celebrity crush?Uuhhh god, Tom Holland?15) How do you vent your anger?Writing16) Do you have a collection of anything?Half filled notebooks I guess?17) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?I’m working on it! :)18) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?Oh, when I’d play that mancala game and the marbles would scratch that one way? Hate that. I love the sound of boys laughing- I know I’m super gay. 19) What’s your biggest “what if”?The only What if’s I have are self deprecating so I tend to ignore them- nothing but eyes on the future.20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?Ehhhh... not really. I mean, anything’s possible, so I can’t rule them out, but if I go my entire life without ever seeing any sign of either of those things I won’t be surprised.21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.So despite other answers I’m actually outside right now, so... tree, and air.22) Smell the air. What do you smell?Dogs. 23) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?Oh! I got a sad one, so when I was like 3 or whatever my mom was deemed unfit to take care of me since she didn’t own a house and was just taking me from trailer to trailer before she’d get kicked out by a friend for her intense drinking and smoking. Anyways I was taken to a child services place that was really horrific as it was just like 50 children all crying because they miss their families and they didn’t have enough beds for all of us so I slept on the ground. 24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender?Female singers? Zendaya is absolutely stunning. Demi Lovato and Ariana Grande too. Tbh all women are beautiful wtf is this question. 25) To you, what is the meaning of life?Just, do what makes you happy, and don’t be a dick to those around you.26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?Nope!27) What was the last movie you saw?I think it was The Greatest Showman (again). 28) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?Nothing major really. One time I sprained my wrist when I was in like, 3rd grade?29) Do you have any obsessions right now?Always obsessed with Survivor and URealms, but I’ve also been rewatching Gravity Falls30) Ever had a rumor spread about you?Idk! Maybe!31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?Nope. I always try to find forgiveness. I can’t deal with being angry, it just makes me feel gross.32) What is your astrological sign?Leo!33) What’s the last thing you purchased?A large pizza and some stick-shaped foods!34) Love or lust?Love35) In a relationship?Yes!36) How many relationships have you had?Two37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?Charisma, and being able to love both yourself and those around you.38) Where is your best friend?Florida!39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?Sleeping, the fuck?40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?Probably not dksksksksks41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?JOKES ON YOU! I work at a dog-place where we look after dogs and take care of them, soooooo, win-win!42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?A) I’m fucking telling everyone. Putting this shit up on YouTube. Let’s get it viral. B) Well if the video blows up use my new found fame to spread love and acceptance, if not I guess I’m blowing my money on traveling. C) Hard to say. I want to say no, though.43) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?Set It Off - Upside Down44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?Communication, Mutual Respect, Love.45) How can I win your heart?Be kind and courteous, and then also buy me a bunch of things for quicker results46) Can insanity bring on more creativity?I mean, I’m not gonna SUPPORT insanity.47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?Getting super addicted to gameshows has honestly kinda opened a lot of doors for me and what’s allowed me to get to know a lot of great people.48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?Whatever tbh, Imma be dead either way. 49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “heart.”Love.50) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?Gold...?51) What is your current desktop picture?Just a basic preset one from Microsoft.52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?No, definitely not.53) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?I... don’t know? I’m faaaiiiirly open? Ask me anything!54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?Unrealistic, would never eat vegetables. But for the super power part, I always thought teleportation would be the best- travel costs? Irrelevant. Never late to anywhere ever again. 55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?I don’t... want to say the no cut run. But... the no cut run.56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?No thanks, I’ll keep ‘em.57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?/MUSIC/ Celebrity? God I don’t know, fucking, Brendan Urie? Is he gay? Idk.58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?Uuhh California?59) Ever been on a plane?Yes, the first time was just earlier this year!60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities. Nyle DiMarco is the hottest person to ever live. Tom Holland, John Boyega, Lucky Blue Smith and Zach Miko are all hot too.

[softspideys]

You’re super upset and stressed out. What does Peter do

hi, I’m sorry this is so late!!! I was in the car and had no wifi. ANYWAY:

you don’t tell peter when you’re feeling sad or stressed

he’s already got enough on his plate with spider-man and school etc etc etc and you don’t want him to worry about you

but you forget that peter is actually pretty observant

and even though you can fool everyone else into thinking you’re fine, he notices right away that something’s off

he knows something is wrong and he knows you’re purposely not telling him

so he shows up at your house after school with your favorite snacks and a spotify playlist full of your favorite songs and one of his hoodies that you love wearing because they’re soft and they smell like him

and he puts the sweatshirt on you and like sits you between his legs so your back is against his chest and he hugs you close to him and just lets you cry or vent or even just snuggle in silence, whatever it takes to make you feel better

he is also definitely a big fan of massages

when you’re studying for a test you tend to get tense and it shows in your shoulders

he comes up behind you and massages your shoulders and brushes your hair away from your face and is like “babe come on take a break and come cuddle with me”

(he’s not THAT great at massages but it’s the thought that counts)

if you’re REALLY stressed he’ll quiz you or look over your work for you

but he mostly just hypes you up and tells you how smart you are and how amazing you’re gonna do

basically he’s just the most caring and supportive boyfriend in the world

[love-hemi]

1-50

I cannot believe u would ask me everything lmao here we go

1: How old are you? 192: When’s your birthday? May 223: Do you have any strange phobias? Uh I get extremely uncomfortable at The Container Store as bullshit as that sounds?? That and I hate anything that could be considered even mild eye horror4: What’s the last text you sent? Thanks for the invite tho5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? Yes6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? Depends on the night! If it’s hot then no clothes, if it’s cold I bundle tf up7: Do you have any strange phobias? I just realized this is the exact same question as 3 lmao8: Put your Spotify on shuffle. What’s the first 6 songs that pop up? I’m using Google Play bc they own my soul but uh I’m shuffling my thumbs up playlist:

1) Location by Khalid

2) Lamborghini Angels by Lupe Fiasco

3) Buy U A Drank by T-Pain

4) The Way I Are by Timbaland

5) My Love by Justin Timberlake

6) Do It Myself by Russ

9: What was the last lie you told? The text I mentioned earlier was me denying a trip to get ice cream but I really wanted some, I just didn’t wanna spend money. But I bought a cookie like 2 hours ago so uh I spent money anyway oops10: What does your URL mean? It’s the name of the KLK episode that Nui first appears in! I also just really like the defiant and feminine nature of the phrase11: Who is your celebrity crush? I’m not too big on celebrities so I don’t have one12: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Nope13: How do you vent your anger? If I’m angry but not personally hurt I’ll usually tell others about the drama and just shoot the shit, but if I’m upset about the way someone treated me personally I’ll angry cry for like 2 seconds and then sad cry for way longer14: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? Kinda? I’m happy about some things and unhappy about others15: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. My phone / Popplio plush16: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? Alex Turner I guess? He’s really pretty and it makes me angry17: What’s the weather like right now? Pretty hot, but not as scorching as it’s been recently so it feels nice. Skies have been pretty clear too18: What time is it? 11:58 rn19: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? I love to drive! I’ve never been the driver in a car crash, but I’ve been a passenger in one20: Do you like the smell of gasoline? No lie I could smell gasoline all day like I’d probably die but it’d be worth21: Do you have any nicknames? I have like joke nicknames but not anything that people actually call me22: What was the last film you saw? The last one I remember seeing is Baby Driver but I’ve probably watched something else since then23: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? I’ve never had any serious injuries, only illnesses24: Do you have any obsessions right now? Danganronpa is the constant obsession especially Hinata and Saihara hoo boy25: What’s your sexual orientation? Like 98% hetero, 2% not hetero26: What is your usual bedtime? bwuhhh it varies but I like to be asleep by 12, that’s not happening tonight though lmao27: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? Absolutely. I have lots of mixed feelings though bc most of the people who have done me wrong have been quite close to me at some point28: What is your astrological sign? Gemini29: Do you save money or spend it? Spend unfortunately30: Can you do a split? Nope31: In a relationship? HELL YEAH I AM32: How many relationships have you had? Two33: Can you touch your nose with your tongue? Nope34: Where were you yesterday? School and Chili’s35: Do you have a best friend? Yup!36: What were you doing last night at 12AM? Skyping with you? Or getting Skype set up so we could call37: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Yeah I think I’d be a pretty cool friend38: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? Come to Me by Koop39: What size shoes do you wear? Ladies 740: How tall are you? 5′2.5″ I think41: What is your favourite word? There are too many to pick just one!42: What’s the last song you listened to? Fancy by Drake43: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? Black, red, pink, & gold44: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? Can’t think of any honestly45: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Probably somewhere that I have friends, like New York. I’d be too nervous to go somewhere by myself46: Do you have any piercings/tattoos? And do you want any? I just have regular earring piercings, but I’d like to one day get a tattoo! I just don’t know of what47: How many languages do you speak? One48: How many countries have you been to? Two49: Which swear word do you use the most? Bitch and fuck are nearly always used in the same sentence50: Gon or Killua? Killua sweet dangerous baby boy 

Thank you for the ask ily!!!!

[dalhousiediaries]

A Suicidal Rant.

♪ Currently listening to: Playlist: Café montréalais by Spotify ♪ 📚 Currently reading: A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki 📚 

Writing about suicide has never come easy for me.  

Or maybe it has, since every time I sit myself down to write about something, that’s the first thing that comes to mind.  Perhaps I’m fascinated with death and the idea of the paradoxical “life-after-death” belief so many people possess.  But, who hasn’t thought about death once in their lifetime?  I’m no exception.

I’ve been really thinking about this topic, whether to post it up on this blog (dalhousiediaries) or whether to start up a new blog entirely, a new personal blog to post content with topics like this, whenever I feel the urge to write about something philosophical or I guess, whenever I feel the powerful urge to write the deep thoughts that linger in my mind.  The unspeakable content that rests only in the deepest and untampered portions of my brain.

Personally speaking, as a child I never really thought about the afterlife, or what would happen to me after death.  It seemed so laid out to me, almost mechanical.  People would mourn, a funeral would be held, a celebration of life that has passed, and then I guess, people would get over the fact that I was no longer breathing on this planet, in this world, living in this time. However, as I grew older, that changed.  Not the actual process aforementioned, but the sociological and the emotional process of “getting over someone”.  I say this because I’ve felt this firsthand.  

Living in Halifax, being separated from my family and friends back home was basically like dying socially.  I was no longer present to take part in hangouts, physically be there to make new memories and the only way people could interact with me was through the Internet.  You’d think a lot of people would contact me and at least, try to keep in touch, but when everyone’s busy getting their own life together and amid their own worries, I don’t particularly blame anyone for growing distant.   It’s just interesting, in the beginning of the semester, so many people missed me, talked to me, and even cried about my departure – just like a real death had occurred.  It really made me think “is this what would happen if I died?”.  Of course, time stops for no one, and as the months went on, perchance my friends had realized I would be back soon enough or had gotten swamped by the amount of work they had to do in their respective programs, I had stopped receiving such messages and contact from friends back in BC.

I’m not upset about that at all.  Despite what it seems like.  It’s just interesting from my point of view, almost like a simulation of life on earth after my death – only on a much, much, smaller scale.

Why am I writing about this? Did something happen to make me contemplate my own death? Am I suicidal? No, I am not.

I’m currently reading a novel called A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki (a tantalizing read, might I add).  The novel talks quite a lot about one’s inevitable demise, whether it be intentionally sparked or a natural one.  The setting is partially set in Japan around the 1940s(?), and the other half set in modern-day Whaletown, BC, a very real place on the Cortes Island.  The novelist, Ruth Ozeki, encounters a Hello Kitty lunchbox that acts as a safe keep for the diary of a Japanese girl, Naoko Yasutani, who narrates her daily life through purple gel pen ink and a DIY diary.

The perspective switch between Ruth and Naoko is not only well done, but gives a different insight and contrast between the two characters, and their very different lives, despite the same ethnic heritage.  The reader follows Ruth as she reads the log of Naoko, following her life page by page, discovering information at the same time as the audience.  It’s as if Naoko’s reaching out from the right side, while Ruth and the audience are reaching towards Naoko from the left – hoping to collide in the middle.

Okay so, why did this book spark my interest in death and suicide again?

It’s a topic that Naoko toys with a lot in the novel, or I guess, in her diary.  She writes about her and her family’s experience moving from Japan to Silicon Valley in the States due to her father being a computer science programmer or some sort like that, settling down in Sunnyvale, California, where she spent the majority of her life there.  Her family dynamic is drastically flipped on its head when her father gets laid off, and Nao (as she’s commonly referred to) and her family emigrate back to Japan.

Nao gets bullied relentlessly by her classmates. Her mother spends all her days watching the jellyfish in the aquarium before getting an office job. Her father becomes a hikikomori (ひきこもり), spending his days in the park, feeding the crows.  Feigning work in the early days of returning to the Land of the Rising Sun.

Nao’s father, Haruki as his name is revealed, decides to commit suicide by jumping in front of a train, the Chuo Rapid Express, which apparently; is one of the more popular methods of self-execution according to a self account Ruth finds whilst searching for the history and the current whereabouts of the Yasutani’s.

I had understood why Haruki Yasutani would want to commit suicide, his shame from lying to his family about finding a new job, the fact that he had fallen from such a successful position and left with nothing, the stripping of all pride and dignity spending his days feeding the crows at the nearby park, feeling sorry for his wife and daughter especially for not being able to support them.  I guess you could say, he was spiraling into a deep depression.

I, unfortunately, could tie this with the current situation with my father.

I now realize why this topic has been on my mind for so long, why this situation with Nao and her father captivated my interest and cultivated my thoughts to yield this fruit of epiphany.  I suppose I can conclude that I’m writing this, and have been writing about this topic for months because it’s a very real situation that I simply cannot ignore anymore.  Am I venting? Yeah, I think I can say that I am.

Though I’m frustrated, I know someone who’s even more frustrated with themselves – my father.

He’s not dead, readers.

But there’s something that tugs at my heartstrings and some evil spirit that puts in unfavourable thoughts in my daily life.  What if he had died?

It’s natural to see your parents or guardians suffer, to struggle through with the adulty-responsibilities we all have to one day face.  Having said that, there’s nothing wrong with suffering a little bit, to have a bit of hardship in your life to harden yourself into a better person.  The more experience one accumulates over their lifetime, more often than naught, they are more valued, wiser, knowledgeable and so on.  I don’t doubt that at all.

I strongly believe in strength acquired by difficult situations and times.  After all, I have had my fair share of disturbing moments in life, times that have disrupted my, at the time, established rhythmic pattern that made up my daily (mundane) life.  It’s like an iron sword in the making.  The more you forge and burn it in fire, the more strengthened it becomes, or it could take on a different shape entirely and the blacksmith may decide in last minute haste, to produce a sickle or a dagger instead.  Of course I’m no ironworker or familiar with blacksmithing, but there’s my poor attempt at creating a relatable metaphor.

I can confidently say that my parents have seen their fair share of difficult times, for Heaven’s sake, they immigrated to a foreign land with no family other than themselves and me, little to no money and what connections do you think a middle aged Korean couple would have overseas in the land of the maple leaf, hockey, and apparently endless winters, the land Koreans called Kenada (캐나다) rather than the rounder sound that native English speakers called, Canada? I’ll tell you that they had no connections.

I’ve always appreciated the work my parents have put in their life here in Canada.  I’ve always admired the strength they’ve showed over the past 18-19 years, or maybe it was feigned strength in hopes that their only daughter doesn’t catch on to their fears and sense the very real struggles and hardship that living as immigrants unfortunately brings to the table.

Recently, and mayhap this is just me putting up my father’s dirty laundry for all to see, but my father has been acting drastically different – even he’s saying he’s “no longer the same dad as [he] was in the past”, which of course I’ve noticed the change as the years flew by – living with the man for 18-19 years, one would hope I noticed the changes.  He’s a man that would do anything for me, well not anymore I guess but back in the earlier days, I suppose.

The whole reason why we have Sien (my dog) now is because I’ve pestered him for years to get a dog, to which he promised we would when our family became homeowners – a promise that seemed farfetched now, but in 7-8 years we had become just that, homeowners. Along came the dog in another 3 years or so.  Initially against the idea, he gave in just to see me happy, and perchance he noticed my own change in personality, he wanted to see me change positively, secretly praying the dog would aid in my transition back to the positive daughter I once was.

But anyway, my father explained to me the other day, in blind rage, a firm voice with an angry tone yet one can sense the slightest bit of tremble at the back of his throat, that he was changing, like an adolescent in the middle of puberty, like how my mother would one day go through menopause. This is a phenomena I’d like to dub as manopause.

Over the years, I’ve heard some pretty unsettling things fly from my father’s mouth.  Like him asking me whether I’d approve of him dating other women, getting a divorce with mum, or what would happen if he had enlisted in the possible war that might occur between South and North Korea, and if he had died.  He had asked me about the matter of his demise on numerous occasions, each with different executions – from his death in the war, to him killing himself, and how.

I always knew what to say to his questions; his life was his own and if he wanted to get a divorce with mum because he’s had enough, that’s good on him and he can go for it, if he wanted to date other women, sure – only except that I had to pre-approve of my potential step-mother before their relationship escalates.  But when it came to his death, I never knew what to say.  Or more like, I didn’t want to say the wrong thing that could possibly, even if there was a slight chance, intensify his desire to carry out the action.

Anyway, I’m pretty content with what I’ve written and though it wasn’t originally what I had intended to write about suicide and my unruly fascination with it, I feel like this took priority.  If this triggered anyone, I’m sorry – but it really needed to get off my mind and keeping it private or unpublished seemed to defeat the purpose of writing it down in the first place.  Maybe, this is my silent cry for help.  That maybe God is reading this, and can restore peace into my father.

He had told me, again in blind fury; “At least you’re gone in Halifax.  At least you have somewhere else to go here.  I have no where to go.  I’m stuck, stressed.  But it makes me feel better knowing that you’re over there”.

In the odd chance my dad is reading this, because occasionally my mum will read my posts and share them with my father;

Sorry Dad, I love you.