#i must be a total hack

[rosysugarr]

Hey ACNH people. I really wanna start my game of it over bc it's been like a year since I played regularly at all and I really enjoy the early game, but I've got a special villager a friend sent me that I love and don't wanna lose, along with other stuff... is there a way yet to back up an island so you don't actually lose it when you start over?

[petermorwood]

More on pre-electricity lighting.

Interesting to see this one pop up again after nearly two years - courtesy of @dduane, too! :->

*****

After experiencing a couple more storm-related power cuts since my original post, as well as a couple of after-dark garden BBQs, I've come to the conclusion that C.J. Cherryh puts far too much emphasis on "how dark things were pre-electric light".

For one thing eyes adjust, dilating in dim light to gather whatever illumination is available. Okay, if there's none, there's none - but if there's some, human eyes can make use of it, some better or just faster than others. They're the ones with "good night vision".

Think, for instance, of how little you can see of your unlit bedroom just after you've turned off the lights, and how much more of it you can see if you wake up a couple of hours later.

There's also that business of feeling your way around, risking breaking your neck etc. People get used to their surroundings and, after a while, can feel their way around a familiar location even in total darkness with a fair amount of confidence.

Problems arise when Things Aren't Where They Should Be (or when New Things Arrive) and is when most trips, stumbles, hacked shins and stubbed toes happen, but usually - Lego bricks and upturned UK plugs aside - non-light domestic navigation is incident-free.

*****

Here are a couple of pics from one of those BBQs: one candle and a firepit early on, then the candle, firepit and an oil lamp much later, all much more obvious than DD's iPad screen.

Though I remain surprised at how well my phonecam was handling this low light, my own unassisted eyes were doing far better. For instance, that area between the table and the firepit wasn't such an impenetrable pool of darkness as it appears in the photo.

I see (hah!) no reason why those same Accustomed Eyes would have any more difficulty with candles or oil lamps as interior lighting, even without the mirrors or reflectors in my previous post.

With those, and with white interior walls, things would be even brighter. There's a reason why so many reconstructed period buildings in Folk Museums etc. are (authentically) whitewashed not just outside but inside as well. It was cheap, had disinfectant qualities, and was a reflective surface. Win, win and win.

*****

All right, there were no switches to turn on a light. But there was no need for what C.J. describes as stumbling about to reach the fire, because there were tinderboxes and, for many centuries before them, flint and steel. Since "firesteels" have been heraldic charges since the 1100s, the actual tool must have been in use for even longer.

Tinderboxes were fire-starter sets with flint, steel and "tinder" all packed into (surprise!) a box. The tinder was easily lit ignition material, often "charcloth", fabric baked in an airtight jar or tin which would now start to glow just from a spark.

They're mentioned in both "The Hobbit" and "The Lord of the Rings". Oddly enough, "Hobbit" mentions matches in a couple of places, but I suspect that's a carry-over from when it was just a children's story, not part of the main Legendarium.

Tinderboxes could be simple, just a basic flint-and-steel kit with some tinder for the sparks to fall on...

...or elaborate like this one, with a fancy striker, charcloth, kindling material and even wooden "spills" (long splinters) to transfer flame to a candle or the kindling...

This tinderbox even doubles as a candlestick, complete with a snuffer which would have been inside along with everything else.

Here's a close-up of the striker box with its inner and outer lids open:

What looks like a short pencil with an eraser is actually the striker. A bit of tinder or charcloth would have been pulled through that small hole in the outer lid, which was then closed.

There was a rough steel surface on the lid, and the striker was scraped along it, like so:

This was done for a TV show or film, so the tinder was probably made more flammable with, possibly, lighter fuel. That would be thoroughly appropriate, since a Zippo or similar lighter works on exactly the same principle.

A real-life version of any tinderbox would usually just produce glowing embers needing blown on to make a flame, which is shown sometimes in movies - especially as a will-it-light-or-won't-it? tension build - but is usually a bit slow and non-visual for screen work.

*****

There were even flintlock tinderboxes which worked with the same mechanism as those on firearms. Here's a pocket version:

Here are a couple of bedside versions, once again complete with a candlestick:

And here are three (for home defence?) with a spotlight candle lantern on one side and a double-trigger pistol on the other.

Pull one trigger to light the candle, pull the other trigger to fire the gun.

What could possibly go wrong? :-P

*****

Those pistol lanterns, magnified by lenses, weren't just to let their owner see what they were shooting at: they would also have dazzled whatever miscreant was sneaking around in the dark, irises dilated to make best use of available glimmer.

Swordsmen both good and bad knew this trick too, and various fight manuals taught how to manage a thumb-shuttered lamp encountered suddenly in a dark alley.

There's a sword-and-lantern combat in the 1973 "Three Musketeers" between Michael York (D'Artagnan) and Christopher Lee (Rochefort), which was a great idea.

Unfortunately it failed in execution because the "Hollywood Darkness" which let viewers see the action, wasn't dark enough to emphasise the hazards / advantages of snapping the lamps open and shut.

This TV screencap (can't get a better one, the DVD won't run in a computer drive) shows what I mean.

In fact, like the photos of the BBQ, this image - and entire fight - looks even brighter through "real eyes" than with the phonecam. Just as there can be too much dark in a night scene, there can also be too much light.

*****

One last thing I found when assembling pics for the post were Folding Candle-lanterns.

They were used from about the mid-1700s to the later 20th century (Swiss Army ca. 1978) as travel accessories and emergency equipment, and IMO - I've Made A Note - they'd fit right into a fantasy world whose tech level was able to make them.

The first and last are reproductions: this one is real, from about 1830.

The clear part was mica - a transparent mineral which can be split into thin flexible sheets - while others use horn / parchment, though both of these are translucent rather than transparent. Regardless, all were far less likely to break than glass.

One or two inner surfaces were usually tin, giving the lantern its own built-in reflector, and tech-level-wise, tin as a shiny or decorative finish has been used since Roman times.

I'm pretty sure that top-of-the-line models could also have been finished with their own matching, maybe even built-in, tinderboxes.

And if real ones didn't, fictional ones certainly could. :->

*****

Yet more period lighting stuff here, including flintlock alarm clocks (!)

[headspace-hotel]

Wading through native plant gardening resources and trying to inform other people, both through posts and in real life, has shifted my point of view on what misinformation is and does.

I don't really know what to do with it yet. But I've realized that it's often impossible to be accurate when teaching people who know very little about a subject. You have to simplify incredibly complex, nuanced things to the point where it feels like a total hack job. If you specify every complexity of the thing you're explaining, the people you're talking to don't absorb the core principle.

Various posts i've made about ecology and gardening stuff have been called "misinformation" and I'm just like. Think of it as a highschool textbook. Half of what it says is wrong but you must understand the "wrong" model to move beyond it.

[izzystizzys]

“…I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I still don’t quite understand”, Fox says, for what must be the dozenth time that hour. His heartbeat pounds behind his eyes in an incessant drum of hurt, and his head aches with every breath like someone’s taken a rusty fork to the inside of his skull and raked his brain out. Fox’ eyes are beginning to burn the way they start doing around hour 80 of a shift, and he has to suppress the brief urge to check over his shoulder. Not even Stabby could come up with a ploy this contrived to make him sleep. Probably.

In front of him, General Grievous coughs awkwardly, long spindly durasteel limbs shivering with its force. “Certainly”, he vocalizes, in that deep, watery cadence. “For your glorious triumphs in battle, your awe-inspiring victory over me in close combat, and your undeniable warrior spirit, I accept you as my consort. I have proven my skills through the ritual capture, and thus, by Kaleesh custom, we are now wed, Commander Fox. I will honor you as my war-bride, and visit vengeance upon your enemies. I swear it to you.”

Expectantly, Grievous tilts his faceplate to the side, and Fox only just catches the suppression of the manic giggle that wants to escape him. Yeah, probably not Stabby - maybe a dying fever dream? Has the infected gash from that skirmish on the lower levels five rotations ago finally decided to end him? If so, it’s not fast enough for Fox’ tastes.

Here’s how it happened: Fox has no kriffing clue. All he knows is one moment an emergency alert tore him from precious Scream Closet time this morning, he went to rescue the Chancellor’s dumb ass again, and whoop, here he is on General Grievous’ ship with the war-criminal himself declaring them happily married. And eyeing him up and down like a piece of candy.

Why, Fox thinks, desperately, does this always have to happen to me?!

Chancellor’s still kidnapped, by the way. Fox has other priorities for the time being.

“I swear to aim my weapons in your service”, Grievous continues, when it becomes exceedingly clear Fox is not going to break out of his shocked stupor anytime soon. “I swear to aim true and strike with murderous intent, I swear to uphold the sacred bonds of our clans in the name of our union, I swear to raise a strong, bloodthirsty brood of warriors with-“

“Wait”, Fox interrupts, once his brain has caught up past the astromech dial-up sound it seems to be playing on repeat. “Uphold clan bonds? You murder your way through my brothers like a rabid nexu on spice on the regular!”

Grievous’ faceplate, which should be for all intents and purposes totally expressionless, does something that reminds Fox strangely of contrition. It has him gaping and shivering in discomfort, in any case. “A fact I regret, but acknowledge lies in my past before the fateful crossing of our paths. I am a warrior at soul, you must understand, my worthy mate.” Durasteel faceplates don’t turn soft. They don’t. And coughs don’t sound loving. They simply do not. “But I uphold the bonds of these sacred vows under Kaleesh law, that I swear to you, my beloved.”

“All I did was grapple you to the ground”, Fox says, mourningly. “Cody has kicked you in the head dozens of times and you’ve never tried to marry him.”

“He is not you, and his battle lacks the lustful vitality and love of violence of yours”, Grievous declares, and Fox really cannot tell whether the sound that erupts from him is a lovelorn sigh or a hacking death-gurgle. This cannot be his life.

Just then, a droid conveniently enters, putting a pause to all Fox’ sufferings. He’ll need to tell Thorn to research Kaleesh divorce proceedings. Or, better yet - he needs to blow up this whole karking ship including himself and destroy all evidence of this ever happening.

“Generals Kenobi and Skywalker awaiting in custody, Sir”, says the droid, nervously. “They are here to rescue Chancellor Palpatine, but we cut them off just out of the hangar bay.”

Internally, Fox rolls his eyes so hard it hurts his brain. “The Jedi can wait”, Grievous hacks out, and for once Fox agrees with him. Let the two dick around onboard, there’s bigger issues at hand.

“But Sir”, says the droid, all twitchy with an anxiety Fox eternally wonders who the kriff programmed into the damn things, “what if they try to escape and -“

A deep, growling noise erupts from deep within Grievous’ massive metal chest, amplifying Fox’ pounding headache by a thousandfold. “I have no time for this”, he snarls at the cowering droid. “Remove yourself from my and mine beloved’s sight.”

“Roger Roger”, the B2 squeaks, hesitantly, before adding on - “The Chancellor-“

Harrumphing petulantly, Grievous stomps one massive, clawed foot and makes what feels like the whole viewdeck shake. “I will twist his head off his body like a rotten fruit”, he declares. “That will get those pesky Jedi off my ship faster, and then we can continue saying our vows.” He pauses, thoughtfully, and then hooded eyes ringed by what must surely be rotten flesh fix on Fox inexorably. “It will be my wedding gift to you, beloved, an offering of peace to your brothers.”

Fox opens his mouth to protest, but quickly snaps it shut again when his husband already turns tail and storms off.

Huh. Maybe this marriage thing isn’t all bad.

[dyeher]

FIVE WAYS TO END A FIRST DATE| shouto, suna, draken, megumi, eren.

warnings| sexy time, fluff, unedited (obviously).

author's note| for @ikkakvs ❤️

Let's be real. When your nineteen-year-old son says he needs to talk to you during breakfast the last thing you expect him to say around the table with his three year old sister not even a foot away is-

"I want to fuck her on the first date..."

His father absolutely spits his morning coffee across the kitchen counter. You're frozen, a forkful of your breakfast halfway to your lips. He continues to eat like he didn't just say what he said. You make eye contact with your husband who is on the verge of hacking up a lung as your son gently wipes baby food from his little sister's face.

You drop your fork into your plate and attempt to muster your most serious mom face. Not the kind you use when he's fucked up but the one where you are on the fence about whether or not he needs to have sense shaken into him.

He doesn't even have the wherewithal to look chagrined. Instead, he musters a small, smug smile...something identical to his father's (still dying by the way). You narrow your eyes, he shrugs.

"Dad always says when you know you know...and trust me. I know. Besides didn't you-" he glances at his sister who is happily making a mess of her breakfast and then whispers (like it makes a difference, the child is three she has no idea what is going on)"-you know...have sex on the first-"

"Okay!" His father interrupts. And bless his soon-to-be-dead ass because you did not volunteer this information to your son so it must have been your husband. The one you did fuck after the first date.

"What?" Your son shrugs. "Dad tells me everything."

You glare at the dad in question, only to receive an identical shrug.

"Baby," you start carefully. "What if she doesn't want to fuck after the first date?"

He gives you a quizzical look. "That's fine, we have like forever together. We can fuck after date one hundred for all I care."

"Oh, thank God," you share a relieved glance with your husband. At least you haven't completely failed at raising him.

"But- I guess...I mean the vibes are there, you know? We're totally gonna f-"

"Small ears, kid," your husband covers your daughter's ears and eyes him meaningfully.

You let out a breath and start eating your breakfast. If parenting has taught you anything is that every conversation with our teenager can become a lesson.

"There are other ways to end the first date, baby. A kiss on the cheek. Asking for a second date. Making sure she knows you enjoyed spending time with her-"

"Is that how your first dates ended? With cheek kisses and reassurance?"

You don't like the way he's staring knowingly at you. And your husband's snort disguised as a cough doesn't go unnoticed.

"Well-"

You can feel your husband's eyes on you as you open your mouth. You have to sift through your exes quickly but the most memorable end to your first dates were from-

SUNA RINTARO

Car sex.

Suna Rintaro fucked you in the backseat of his car and the memory is fresh in your mind as though it happened yesterday and not almost twenty years ago.

The leather seats were sticky and slippery with your mixed cum. The squeaking as your body slid up the seat with each of his hurried thrusts. The scent of his cologne as he shoved his face into your neck. The way your body bowed against his. The harsh sound of your breaths. His whispered 'fuck' when he slid in for the first time.

His promises. And of course...his unplanned I love you.

And no, this is definitely not something you do not want to suggest to your son.

2. SHOUTO TODOROKI

He bought you flowers.

Of course, it was more of a 'oh my goodness, look shouto a flower shop' 'do you want to get flowers?' kind of situation where he bought you every flower you looked at for too long (because you deserved it, his words not yours) plus a bouquet of fresh roses and sunflowers.

And...and then he fucked you in his king-sized bed on those flower petals. Used the stem of a rose with the thorns still attached for a bit of fun. Laid you on your side facing his mirror so you could see as his cock disappeared into your body. Spoke filthy, disgusting things into your ear.

You shudder at the reminder.

No. That's also not appropriate...

3. KEN RYUGUUJI

You drove his bike.

Actually one of the scariest experiences of your existence. But also one of the most exhilarating. The purr of the bike's engine between your thighs, the grip Ken had on you. The deep rumble of his voice in your ear gently coaching you. Guiding and praising you.

Okay, to be fair the adrenaline is to blame for the sex that occurred after that. It was wild, and God if you both didn't make promises that to this day have you ducking your head in embarrassment whenever you see him.

The reality is, that this particular first date ended in two creampies, a promise to be the best mother to his children, and a marriage proposal.

You glance at your son quickly only to find him already staring at you. Your husband is smirking in the background.

4. MEGUMI FUSHIGURO

First of all.

It was a picnic. How fucking cute is that?

And to be fair, he was adorably nervous and you thought kissing him would ease the tension but one thing led to another and...

He fucked you beneath the stars to the symphony of crickets. Once he got inside you became an entirely different person. The way he propped the soles of your feet on his shoulders and fucked you until you were weeping into the soft blankets, your nails digging into his skin.

Unprepared for the way Megumi became a sex god you'd squirted all over his chest, much to your mortification. And he had the audacity to drag his fingers through the mess and suck it off his fingers.

The man was a whore.

You're almost dismayed when you realize the last first date you had was-

5. EREN YEAGER

A child.

That's right.

Eren Yeager fucked you after the first date and left you with a mini version of himself growing inside you. Granted he married you before you gave birth and you've been living happily ever after since but still.

You glare at your husband as he reaches across the table to take your plate. Your son sits back in his chair, his arms folded across his chest.

"Wear a condom," you grunt.

Your son cackles as he stands from the table. He bends to scoop his sister out of her high chair. "Don't be silly-" he coos to her, "-wrap your willy."

As he disappears around the corner your husband chuckles.

"How was your trip down memory lane?"

He steps in close to you as you stand and prop yourself against the dining table.

"I hate you, deeply," you groan. Eren laughs as he bends to brush his lips against yours.

"Sure baby, anything you say," he smiles against your mouth. "Anyway, I've been thinking..."

You frown, pulling back to look up at him. "About what?"

"Sharing."

Your breath leaves you in a rush. "Sharing what?"

His eyes darken to a shade of green you've never seen.

"You."

[flor4de4amor]

may we please PLEASE PLEASE please get more aviator!abby???? she’s so yummy & i need her so bad..

welll if you wannttttt ofcccc!! this is totallyyy not based off of today’s events. if only i had abby around </3

click for palestine | don’t buy tlou | read b4 engaging

the toilet is broken and it's been ruining your fucking day. the stupid handle is too loose and you're determined to fix it yourself. it's far too embarrassing to ask the other wives on base to use their toilet. word spreads far too fast. everyone's gonna think abby doesn't care for you. and that is far from true! she cares about you so much, you think you're gonna suffocate in her love.

which is part of the reason you wanna fix this stupid waste of space in your bathroom. abby takes care of you everyday, and she works hard and long all day. it wouldn't be fair for her to come home to a broken toilet. (sometimes she sits there doing buisness, while playing wordle, and keeping conversation with you as you shower. you'd hate to break routine.) but you've been knelt over twisting screws, fiddling with pliers, and banging your head against the wall for the past few hours. for a matter of fact, youtube is not helpful! in fact, when abby gets home, you're informing her of a the anderson housewide youtube ban. stupid fucking site. waste of space on the web. killed away at your day with useless hacks anyway.

you're so caught up on cursing at the tablet, your cat pawing at your toes, the stupid fucking toilet, and don't forget swearing the wind, that you don't hear abby's heavy footsteps. you normally greet her at the door with plenty of love. whenever you're not waiting for her, it normally means trouble. means that she better make your stiff couch, real comfortable tonight. and no, she cannot steal any souvenirs from your normally shared bed. she must make do with some throw pillows and a teensy tiny blanket.

you think that you've almost got the issue sorted out when she catches you redhanded. her arms snake around your waist from behind causing you to drop your tools and squeal. your cat screeching at the commotion. abby clicks her tongue at the grey streaked animal. bane of her existence. you thrash in her arms for a minute, until she kisses your cheeks and you're able to inhale her scent. "relax pretty, it's just me."

you huff, and turn around facing her sweet face. "you're an asshole." you don't mean it. but, she's just made you almost shit your pants while your toilet is totally broken. fair reaction, if you may say so yourself.

"you don't mean that," she smiles. her thumb goes to wipe sweat off your forehead. "what's going on here that you're wielding serious machinery?" she eyes the discarded plier and screwdriver.

you slide up to the sink, settling your spine against the cool faucet. your cat following in suite, jumping up into your lap, effortlessly. you coax, him, in your laps, scratching behind his ears, while speaking to your wife. "toilet's fucking broken." you groan, "i've spent all day trying to fix it." abby eyes the loud video playing in the counter of the bathroom corner. she goes to shut off the tablet, sensing your agitation.

"why didn't you call me? or a plumber?" her hands rub your thighs gently, trying to soothe you.

"despite what the haters say," you laugh softly to yourself, "i can do things."

she looks you up and down with a look of doubt in her eye, "i know you can." she plants a sweet kiss on your lips to reassure you before planting the real stuff. she pulls away stroking your cheek, "just not this type of stuff."

you roll your eyes and scoff. "ok well, a girl can try."

she smiles, "yeah lets, not anymore." she smiles and leans away slightly, eyeing the damage you've done to the commode. you pinch her bicep for her sly comment. she grunt in a pained response. her hands grip your wrist, not too tight, she'd never hurt you. "listen here girly," she threatens emptily, before releasing your wrist. her fingers tickle at your sides with carefree joy.

"is it fixable?" you ask. you feel awful.

that cocky smile of hers finds its way to her dopey face. "for the average joe? meh," she shrugs her shoulders. "for me?" she boasts, "definitely fixable, pretty. don't worry." she plants another kiss on you. when she pulls away, abby wipes her hands on the sides of her uniform khakis. she kneels to the base of the toilet, and assess the damage closer. "i think i found the problem baby."

"what is it?" you stroke the feline in your lap.

"you've been using all the wrong tools hon," she remarks offhanded while digging around blindly for her toolbar that's got her initials monogrammed onto the front.

"you're a tool," you say under your breathe.

"heard that!" abby says from down below. she chuckles softly, but doesn't let you hear.

"love you baby!" you reply back, a smile fixed to your lips.

"suck it, anderson," she grunts back while tightening a bolt or something. whatever the hell she was doing down there.

"maybe later," you laugh sweetly.

"sounds good to me," abby replies rather quick.

"shut up and fix the toilet anderson!" you say in a fit of giggles.

"yes ma'am," your cornball of a wife replies, while making a complicated task look easy. she's impossible to hate, and so easy to love.

[zombieunicorngamerzu]

(Aaron Hotchner and Emily Prentiss x New Youngest BAU agent fem reader)

[Warnings- Power Dynamics, Stalking, Dark themes, Case details, Slow burn? Drowning and being revived, hypothermia, shared bath with Aaron, Naive reader, Mommy and Daddy, PNV sex, innocent reader, smut, claiming, creampies spanking, praise, aftercare]

The day you joined the BAU, you thought everybody was very nice, the others were welcoming, but the two that stuck out the most to you were SSA Aaron Hotchner, who greeted you with a firm handshake and a hand on your back, his voice was deep, rough, and monotone, but you could tell in his eyes that he showed a little concern over you, probably because you were only nineteen, but you were a genius, like Spencer Reid you held a extremely high IQ, causing the FBI to recruit you after you hacked into their main systems on “accident”, Garcia was actually the one to catch you and then recommend you after you were caught to join the FBI.

Next was Emily Prentiss, she greeted you with a smile and a hug, she was so warm and friendly but she held more concern over you, a protectiveness and slight affection for you she showed well to others if they got too close to you. She saved you from many situations, either with people underestimating you when you joined a case or with unsubs who tried to prey on you for your, what she called, “naivety.” Emily always claimed you showed too much compassion to unsubs when interrogating or provoking.

That’s what you were good at, you surprised the team with your abilities to get into the minds of unsubs, your ability to predict their behavior or intentions even surpassed Spencer, which shocked the entire team. You, this little ball of smiles and shyness turned into a calculating manipulator as soon as you hit the interrogation room. You were unmatched and always used tactics of bonding with the unsubs, empathizing with them before using tactics of, “I would do the same if I were in your position,” or “That must have been so hard for you, I can’t even imagine being alone like that and suffering, how do you do it?”

You would play unsubs like a violin with your “caring” displays, you showed them more respect and empathy than anyone in their lives did, practically lovebombing them with care and concern while playing dumb the whole time. You were actually the smartest on the team which gained you respect a lot. The only issues you had were… well you, your clumsiness, your inability to be aware of your surroundings, how easily you would get distracted, you constantly worried both Emily, Hotch, and the others, they constantly wondered how the hell you were still alive.

Both Emily, Hotch, and JJ were your main supervisors on missions, having to literally be attached to your hip to make sure you didn’t get ambushed or injured simply because you just couldn’t be aware of your surroundings. Even outside of work both Emily and Hotch have had to “watch over you” to make sure you were safe, you couldn’t drive surprisingly, which both of them didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing, but you took the subway to and from work everyday, Emily and Hotch took turns, “subtly” making sure to take the train every morning and late night just to make sure you got home safe or they would just offer to drive you, which is what you usually did after a few months of working with them.

But months into the job, after a particularly hard mission that took you all to Alaska, Emily and Hotch freaked, like growing totally overbearing and overprotective, not leaving your side. That mission was a nightmare. You couldn’t stand the cold, so literally once you got there you just couldn’t function, Emily was the first to notice how you grew quiet, practically mute, shivering violently even in the three layers and coat she dressed you in. She tried to help by rubbing your shoulders and keeping you close to her and Hotch, but nothing worked.

The team had never seen you so quiet, you just were not built for this case, or the cold weather. Even when you had to share rooms at the small inn you didn't react, too busy shivering due to the cold, you didn't care or comprehend the fact that Emily had been holding you the whole time, or the fact that when you were burying your face into her shoulder Emily smiled. You were led up to a small room in the inn with, wow... only one bed and a small couch. You immediately said you could take the couch but were cut off by both Emily and Aaron who you were bunking with that it would be warmer if you shared the bed together.

So that's where you ended up for the night, sandwiched between the two older agents until early dawn when you had to get up and get dressed to head into the cold again to another crime scene due to the killer striking again in the night. You were again, quiet, grumpy, and miserable, and it didn't help that the crime scene was on the docs near the icy dark depths of water. You were petrified of bodies of water, and you never knew why, you just stayed away from water all you could, plus you couldn't swim. Emily was the first to notice you staring at the water with an almost fearful expression, walking over to you to nudge you gently, "Hey, you okay?"

You snapped your head up quickly at the nudge, nodding as you crossed your arms, "Yeah, just cold." She just raised her brows at you. "Really? Because you're staring at the water like it did something to you." You just sighed, looking up at her hesitantly, "I just- I don't like water." She frowned a little in confusion, "Why?" The way Emily was staring at you with her head tilted made you fluster, it was embarrassing to you, so you just lowered your head with a sigh, seeing the cold mist that your breath gave as you shuttered, "I-I can't swim."

Emily's eyes widened at your words, now she felt paranoid about you even being on the doc, her hand gently wrapping around your arm to pull you a little further away from the edge as she spoke, "Then how about we keep you away from these ledges, yeah?" You just blushed at the way she tried to protect you from the possibility of slipping, she watched you much closer now until you got off the docks, everybody heading back to the inn for the day. When you got back you decided to try to hang around down in the common area, watching out the windows with some hot chocolate before something caught your eye.

You immediately dropped your mug down on the table with a yell to the others as you saw a hooded figure dragging what you assumed to be a victim down to the docs, running out the door, and drawing your gun as you chased after them. You could hear commotion and yelling behind you, so you knew the others were coming, that made you feel slightly better as you ran out on the docs, it was dark and hard to see, your breathes heavy as you looked around for the unsub before you felt a shove against your back, slipping before your entire body went into shock at the feeling of water, cold water surrounding you.

Emily, Derek, and Aaron were the first ones out of the inn and the first to see the unsub shove you into the water, Emily practically screamed when she saw you slip and fall in, her voice booming out to Aaron as he barked at Derek to go after the unsub, JJ already on him, "Aaron, she cant swim!" Aarons eyes widened at Emily's words before he was running over to the doc with Emily calling out for him, but he didn't stop, he jumped in straight after you.

You didn't know what to do, flailing in complete shock with a scream of terror for help. You were petrified at the water swallowing you up, the temperature shocked your body to the point you couldn't feel it, all you remembered was going under and then darkness, piercing cold, heaviness, your lungs on fire, quickly growing tired due to fighting the water and not knowing which way was up, eventually you just gave up, letting the darkness swallow you up. You didn't remember much during that time, you didn't know how long you were under, a minute? Two? More? All you knew was that you felt a strong frame pulling your body against theirs before you were hauled up.

Emily stood above, immediately crouching down as Aaron came back up, shivering and panting with his hair wet as he held you up for Emily to take, "Take her, Take her!" he yelled out as her hands went down to grab you, pulling your limp body out of the water with a grunt onto the doc as Aaron pulled himself out, he straddled you without hesitation to check your pulse, "Shit, she's not breathing, her pulse is too weak." Emily sat down on her knees quickly, brushing your hair out of your face, tapping your cheeks, "Come on, pretty girl, don't do this to us!" Aaron just grunted and began chest compressions, alternating between compressions and breathing air into your lungs, he was terrified he'd lose you.

You couldn't move, that's all you knew, you barely even registered someone doing compressions on you, voices were muffled but there was yelling and then someone's lips against yours forcing air down your throat until you felt like you were choking, it took a whole 45 seconds to revive you from your unconscious state, one last breathe of air into you until you were keeling over with a lurch straight into Emily's arms, coughing up copious amounts of water from your lungs as she slapped at your back, her voice shaky, "Good girl, baby, cough it out, get it all out." She just breathed out in relief, giving Aaron a look as he sat up on his knees, closing his eyes with relief before getting up.

"We gotta get her warm." Aaron husked out quickly as he picked you up, you didn't have much fight left in you anyway to refuse as he carried you back to the inn and up to the room with Emily in tow. Emily immediately got to drawing a bath for you as Aaron sat you on the toilet lid with you shivering violently, his hands peeling off his own shirt while trying to keep you sat up and conscious before Emily helped him undress you, her voice soft as she spoke, "You both need to get warm, you can't stay in those clothes."

She took a breath at the sight of Aarons abs and your smaller frame, biting her lip as she knelt down to speak to you, "Hey, Y/N, if you can hear me, you and Aaron are gonna sit in that tub together, you have to get warm." She tried to warn you even though you were practically unresponsive, just giving weak whimpers back, before she helped Aaron pick you up and place you in the warm water. You were still shivering violently when Aaron sunk in behind you while Emily sat to the side, watching with concern as she looked at Aaron, "What was she thinking, going after the unsub like that? Especially to the docs- I just-"

"Emily, we cant control that now, all we can do is take care of her now and reprimand her when shes in better health." Aaron spoke out in a gravelly tone as he brushed your hair out of your face, as shameful as Aaron felt, to have your naked body so close and pressed up to his, it made him hard. He tried to shift his body to be respectful, but you were basically on his lap, he just bit his lip with a soft groan, closing his eyes as he pushed his cock between your inner thighs to rest there. Emily's pupils dilated as she watched, blushing as she shifted in her spot, "God, Aaron... I want her just as bad as you do."

Aaron just chuckled with a shake of his head as he tightened his hold on you, "I don't know about that, you can't feel how soft her skin is right now, Em." He husked out which only made Emily tilt her head at him with a small smirk, "Yeah? Well let's get our baby feeling better and hopefully, we'll both be able to feel her." She purred out. Aaron just nodded with a low groan, his eyes closing. You probably laid against Aaron in the bath for over an hour, at least until it got a bit cold until you were lifted up and wrapped in a fluffy robe before taken to bed and covered in at least three blankets with both Emily and Aaron holding you between them.

When morning came, you slowly woke to the sounds of breathy feminine moans and soft grunts, frowning as you squirmed at the feeling of the bed bouncing before rolling onto your side into Aaron, he felt so warm before you noticed his heavy breathes alongside Emily's, finally registering why the bed stopped moving once you opened your eyes. Emily was straddled on Aarons cock with her hands on his chest, she was riding him with you laid right next to them. They both were still, you were shocked until Emily spoke, "Hey baby, were sorry... we couldn't help it, we just-" Aaron cut her off by pulling you closer and meeting your lips in a hot kiss, mumbling out against your lips, "You scared us last night, babygirl... we thought we lost you. Never scare us like that again." He spoke out firmly, cupping your chin.

You just stared at them both, wide-eyed and with a blush, you didn't know what do to, its true you had developed a crush on the both of them, but you thought that just because they were the first male and female superiors you had, your mommy and daddy issues acting up, but no. Here you were laying beside them as they fucked. Emily just tucked your hair away before leaning down to kiss your forehead, "Shh baby, let Mommy and Daddy have our fun and then well tend to you." She husked out before moaning as she raised herself up on Aarons cock before sinking back down and building her pace again as she panted out, "You just watch baby."

You let out a soft whimper as you watched Emily ride Hotch, she was passionate, her hips rolling with every thrust of her hips down, Hotchs hands sliding up her waist before he gripped and thrust up to meet her, making them both moan as they joined together, Emily's tits bouncing as she only rode him harder and faster the closer they got to cumming together. Emily was experienced in her own pleasure, rubbing her clit as she sank up and down on Hotchs cock, her moans getting huskier as she closed her eyes before you saw hoe Hotch slid his hands to grip at her ass as a vice to thrust his hips up quicker, seeing how his cock would stretch her and disappear inside her with each slam of his hips up made you squirm, you were soaking wet seeing how they fucked, especially hearing Emily moan as she came.

Emily cried out as she came around Hotchs cock, causing him to groan out at the feeling as he came inside her, you watched as Emily lurched and trembled, her thighs shaking as her hips twitched, her cunt gripping around Hotchs cock tighter and tighter, spilling cum down his shaft before she slowly raised up and off his cock, his cum spilling out of her as she crawled onto you, untying your robe with a tender kiss to your lips, "Is this okay baby, are you okay with this?" Emily needed to make sure you were alright before she continued, but she was answered by a timid nod from you, making her smile, "Good girl." She hummed out before kissing you again, darting her tongue into your mouth as she slid her hand down between your thighs to feel your wetness, moaning when she did.

"Oh, Aaron, she's so wet for us... did watching us make you that excited baby?" she purred out with a devious smirk as she nudged her nose against yours and found your clit with her fingertips, rubbing little circles immediately, which made you moan out and arch, closing your eyes at the warm buildup of pleasure her fingers blessed you with before they were joined by another larger pare that prodded at your entrance, whining when you felt Aaron slip a finger inside your tight wetness while he leaned over to press his lips against your nipple to suck. The stimulation of Emily's fingers rubbing circles on your clit to Aaron pumping and curling his finger inside you to his lips wrapped around your nipple, it was enough to quickly make you cum in minutes.

Luckily, minutes were all Hotch needed to get hard again, I mean it wasn't difficult due to how adorable you sounded as you came. He was a sucker for you, secretly, he loved how small you were compared to him. Emily pulled away slightly to let Aaron sit up between your thighs, but what surprised you most was when he flipped you, forcing you onto your tummy in a arch as Emily settled in front of you, her legs spread as she guided you to her soaked cunt, her voice gentle but filled with lust, "Now baby, your gonna take Daddy's cock while you eat Mommy out, okay?" You just nodded with a blush, always so eager to please before your face was shoved into her pussy by Aarons hand on the back of your head.

You let out a cry when you felt Aarons cock push into you from behind, feeling the slow stretch of your wet little pussy stretching around his girthy cock made you tremble from the feeling, moaning into Emily's pussy which made her shiver from the stimulation on her clit before you felt Aaron start to thrust into you at a punishing pace, his cock rockhard as you felt him graze against your gspot with each thrust, your eyes rolling in pleasure with a groan into Emily's pussy as you tried to lap at her clit, but it was so hard with how good Aaron felt, his words making your pussy flutter around his cock, "Mmm... that's it, baby, take my cock. You were made for it, weren't you? Such a good girl."

"Yes, she is! Fuck- such a pretty mouth on her, eating mommy out like a good girl... yes baby, suck, suck for mommy!" Emily moaned out with her hand in your hair as she shoved your face harder against her cunt, feeling her orgasm close, crying out as she felt your lips wrap around her clit to suck, making her cum quick and hard, her grip tight on your hair as Aaron sped up his thrusts, making you whine. You felt his pace, rough and fast, his hips snapping against your ass with a slap to your ass as he praised you, sinking his cock deeper into you with every thrust, your ass so soft against his pelvis as he slammed into you with a groan, holding your hips tight as he emptied his seed into you, sending you spiraling into your own orgasm, trembling violently with a loud cry between the two of them as you clamped down on his cock.

"Oh fuck..." Aaron just groaned as he slowly pulled out of you, seeing his cum-covered cock twitching still as he finally slipped out of you, seeing his cum ooze out of your used little hole made him moan. You couldn't help the whimper that left your lips at the emptiness, but you were quickly pulled up into Emily's arms as she laid your head on her chest, kissing your head. "You did so well baby." Aaron nodded and kissed your back before laying down next to you two, speaking lowly, "You did love, so please, no more diving into cold waters... never scare us like that again, we couldn't stand losing you, Y/N..." You just nodded quietly, still recovering from the fear of the night before as you spoke, "I promise." That was all they needed to hear before you were snuggled back under the blankets by the two of them and attacked with many kisses.

[petite-phthora]

Shouldn’t have digital evidence when you have a family of hackers

[DP x DC fic]

[Love at first... murder? - part 14]

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Part 1

Ao3

---

Text in italics and in-between ' means it is said in sign language

'For example.'

If an entire scene is written in italics, that means that that scene is a flashback.

---

When Jason glances at where Danny and Ellie were, he sees nothing. He’s too relieved to really care much about how they got out of here so quickly.

He’ll ask Danny about it later.

Probably…

“Red Hood.”

“Bitch.” Is his response.

Jason is slightly disappointed, but entirely unsurprised, by the lack of reaction he gets.

“Who were they?”

“What were those civilians doing on the roof?”

“Where did they even go?”

“Just some informants for a case I’ve been working on.” Jason says, not giving anything about them away.

“Which case?”

“Did they attack you?”

“Yeah, who took a bite out of your arm? And more importantly, how did you taste?”

“Steph, I don’t think now’s the time—”

‘Medical assistance?’

Jason follows the Bats’ gazes towards his injured arm. He resists the urge to hide it and instead crosses his arms, trying to play it off.

“No, this is from… a cat.”

“A cat?”

“Yes. A stray cat. Bit me.”

“Tch. It’s obvious Todd is incompetent when it comes to caring for animals. For it to attack you like that you must have done quite poorly. What did you do to it?” Damien glares at him in an accusatory way.

“I didn’t do shit, Demon Brat. I was just scanning the street when it bit me outta nowhere.”

“Well, excuse me if I don’t believe you, Todd. You clearly must have cornered, threatened, or hurt it in some way for it to react—"

“Yeah, yeah.” Jason cuts him off and rolls his eyes, even though none of them can see it through the helmet. The energy is there.

“Animals hate me, and I can’t take care of them for shit. Now, can we move on to why you’re all here on my turf?” Jason stares them all down.

Before anyone else can speak up, Dick starts talking.

“Can’t an elder brother just visit his younger sibling every once in a while?” Dick asks with a totally innocent grin.

“No.”

Dick shrugs. “Worth a shot.”

“While we originally came here to interrogate you about your involvement in the disappearance of the Joker, these imbeciles wanted to use the encounter as a way to simultaneously confront you about your new… beloved” Damian says, gesturing towards the others sounding completely done and unimpressed.

‘Got them flowers?’

“So how was the dinner? And the observatory? Do they like the stars? What’s their name? Hobbies? Age? Appearance? Interests?”

“Are they hot?”

“Seeing as you picked up a bouquet of sweet peas in costume, and didn’t take a detour to your apartment or safehouse before your location started glitching, I have to ask. Are you dating a civilian as Red Hood?” Babs speaks up over the comms.

Tim stays suspiciously silent, not asking any questions. Jason cuts them all off.

“Where the hell did you even get this information from?”

“Tim snitched.”

“Drake mentioned it.”

“Tim.”

“Timmy told us.”

“Red Robin informed us about your outing.”

“I hacked some cams to see you pick up the flowers, but Tim was the one to say you were on a date at the time.”

Tim raises his finger and opens his mouth as if he’s about to speak up and defend himself. He then stops, seemingly considering something before dropping his hand back down and just shrugging.

“If you didn’t want anyone to know you shouldn’t have gone out as Red Hood when getting the flowers and taking them out to dinner.

“Besides, I tried to respect your privacy and redirect everyone somewhere else to keep them off your back. But they interrogated me, and I’m sorry.” He says, not sounding sorry at all. “It just… slipped out.”

“You didn’t try that hard—"

Tim shushes Steph and cuts her off.

“Besides! Babs also stalked you! Through the cameras! And, I didn’t say that much. I just told them you were on a date.”

Jason glares at them all through the visor of his helmet. Meanwhile, Dick crosses his arms and pouts.

“Yeah, Timbers—” “No real names.” “— wouldn’t tell us anything! He used his lack of sleep against us.”

---

“So Timmy, I need you to tell me everything. Pretty please?”

Tim raises his finger and opens his mouth as if he’s about to speak up. Then his eyes roll into the back of his head and he starts falling backward.

Dick yelps and manages to catch him before he falls onto the ground and hits his head.

“Damn it, Tim!” He whines. “Passing out like that should not have been the power move that it is.”

“He can fall asleep after this?!” Steph’s incredulous voice pipes up.

Dick’s gaze moves from Tim over to where Steph was previously half-dying due to Tim’s monstrosity of a drink. She’s standing by now, clutching the mug in a death grip. She’s twitching every now and again, her foot tapping the floor rapidly.

“Ehm, Steph? You okay?”

“Mhmm, think I’m having a stroke”

“Oh, that’s not good—”

Dick cuts himself off as Steph starts to stumble. He moves closer to catch her in case she falls as well, but luckily she manages to save herself from falling, clumsily moving to sit down on the floor instead.

Once seated, she lets her back hit the floor. She also lets go of the mug, letting it spill onto and roll around the floor of the cave.

“Y’know, I think I’m just gonna stay here for a bit. Maybe do some stalactite gazing. It’s riveting stuff, I tell you!”

Dick lets out a small sigh and nods a little.

“You do you, boo”

He gets a thumbs-up in response.

---

“Why are you actually here?” He cuts them off, already done with their bullshit. “Don’t start the bullshit about the ‘date’ again. Either talk business or leave.”

He privately notes the lack of green in his vision.

They all glance at each other before Batman steps forward and speaks up.

“What is your involvement in the disappearance of the Joker.”

“I don’t have anything to do with the Joker’s disappearance” Jason vehemently denies, arms still crossed.

“Are you sure about that?” Babs’ voice pipes up over the comms.

A hologram forms above Batman’s gauntlet computer. The hologram shows a picture of Jason in his Red Hood costume without his helmet grinning at the camera. He’s holding up the camera selfie style and seems to be in one of the alleys of Crime Alley.

The most intriguing part of the picture is the figure next to Jason on the ground. There, in clear view, lies the dead body of the Joker. His head seems to be caved in in a way that shows he most likely died on impact, hit by something that had a lot of force.

Jason pauses at the sight of one of his most precious keepsakes.

“Of course you hacked my phone” He scoffs, clearly unhappy.

Jason turns back to look at the Bats and watches their reactions to the revelation the Joker is most certainly dead. Dick seems to have some sort of weight lifted off of his shoulders. Cass doesn’t give anything away.

Damian is unimpressed, scoffing at the hologram and likely already mentally criticizing the technique. Steph seems to be more relaxed, “Damn, Jason, this totally looks like that one Grant Gustin next to the grave meme,” while Tim seems to be having some kind of world-shattering epiphany.

He then eyes Batman’s tense posture. Jason shifts slightly, getting ready to fight if it comes to it.

“Red Hood. Did you kill the Joker?” Batman grinds out slowly, pinning Jason with a soul-piercing stare. Jason carefully eyes Batman’s tightened fists before locking eyes with him again.

“No,” Jason answers honestly.

Jason and Batman are locked in a stare-down, neither speaking another word. The tense silence goes on for a few seconds before it’s broken by Dick casually putting his arm around Jason’s shoulders in a friendly gesture.

“Welp. Seems like he didn’t do it, B. If he says he didn’t, I believe him.” Dick speaks up.

Jason and Batman both untense a little, the moment broken. Jason lets out a small grumble and shrugs Dick’s arm off his shoulders. Dick lets him with a smile.

“Wait, so you just found his body dead in a ditch somewhere? I called it!” Steph pipes up.

She holds her hand up for a high-five. Cass gives her one.

Jason shrugs nonchalantly “You could say that.”

“You may not have killed him, but it’s clear you’re covering for the actual murderer. Who is it and why are you protecting them?” Batman asks, not letting it go.

“You may not believe me, B, but it was just a freak accident as far as I could tell.”

If you call a meta one-punching the Joker in self-defense a ‘freak accident’.

It’s not like Danny meant to do it. Ergo: accident.

“Nothing more, nothing less. I found him like that. All I did was get rid of the body and wipe some cams. Not that those would have been much helpful if let unwiped anyway.” He shrugs, unconcerned.

“Do you know what caused the files to become corrupted this way? I’ve seen corrupted files before, but this is something else…” Babs says over the comms, tone curious.

“Nah, they were like that even before I wiped them. Might have something to do with whatever took the fucker out. Don’t know though, and I don’t care.I’m just glad the city’s finally rid of that bastard.”

“Amen to that!”

Batman’s glare moves over from Jason to Tim, who meets his gaze headfirst and just gives him an unimpressed stare in return.

“You gotta be honest, B. There’s not really anyone gonna be missing him…”

“Now, if that’s all. I gotta go. I’ve got some work to do, cases to solve, groceries to buy. Y’know, not everyone has the freedom to walk around dressed as furries beating up bad guys 24/7. Some of us have a life.” Jason cuts in.

“And since when are you the one to have a life outside of being a vigilante?”

“Oh, you know, since somewhere around the time my gruesome murder was finally avenged,” Jason says sarcastically.

“Who knew that that would be something that would make it feel like a weight is lifted off of your shoulders and that it would finally bring some peace into your life?

“Let me know if you find the guy who did it, okay? Feel like this was a great service to the community and it deserves a nice reward. Might bake ‘em a cake or something. Maybe some cookies… ” Jason pretends to think.

“Where’s the body?” Batman asks, ignoring Jason’s sarcasm.

“And when are you going to introduce us to your new partner?” Dick chimes in as well.

“Not telling you, and never if I can help it. Now, goodbye.” Jason grinds out before leaving.

Jason turns and runs to the edge of the building, making his way over to the next building and leaving the Bats behind on the roof. As he gets farther away from the other vigilantes, the last thing he hears is Steph speaking up.

“Is it just me or did that conversation involve a lot less… green-eyed rage than I expected?”

Now, it’s time to plan that next date…

---

Taglist:

@i-always-say-yea @uraniumwizard @why-must-i-be-like-this @griffinthing @i23432i @imsotiredfanficlovertm

[orgasming-caterpillar]

Mahabharat characaters on Social Media: pt.2

Pt. 1.

Karna

INTERNET REVOLUTIONIST

He developed an app that teaches martial arts and other fighting styles basics to those who can't afford the classes.

History nerd who regularly posts ramble about the different types of discrimination that happened in different cultures from 5000BC India to 17th century slave trade.

Cameos regularly on Duryodhan's gym videos as his "gym bro" (ahem ahem and they were gym bros) (oh my god they were gym bros)

Duryodhan

Fitness influencer but it's actually just him trying to beat Bheem's records.

"that's funny, brother. I recently just posted a video of me picking up 100kgs with one hand and now you're doing that too." "Yeah it must, we must have got the same idea. Did Arjun give you your idea? Because I got mine from Karna." "*Squints eyes*"

Gets dragged into Dushashan's podcast very often.

After a specifically homie erotic video with karna, fans started commenting non stop "so we all know he's bi, right?" So he made a video in reply saying "nooo haha I have a girlfriend bhanumati haha karna is totally my friend" and then they comment "we didn't say anything about Karna." He never addressed those comments after that.

Dushashan

PODCAST GUY. MYSOGYNISTIC "ALPHA MALE" PODCAST GUY.

His role model is Andrew Tate.

Will always ask Duryodhan to come to his podcast as a guest, doesn't take no for an answer.

Dushashan: so like. Women. Like they are so obviously made— like their bodies have evolved to nurture children and take care of the home. They should stay at home and keep it nice and clean for their alpha male, who is their provider and protector.

Duryodhan, closeted bisexual and thinking of Karna's thighs: Woof— I mean true.

Vikarna

Sweetie pie. Absolute babygirl.

When he revealed that he was also a kaurav brother, he was mass reported over five different platforms for spreading misinformation until he proved that it's actually true.

He's just obedient and does what his two elder brothers say and people think he's just like them because of it

Editor for Dushala's videos.

He's the fan favourite Kaurav.

Dushala

Vlogger. Huge YouTube personality. Storytimes.

Channel is basically "my life as a younger sister of a 101 brothers"

Her vlog series of "Keeping Up With The Kauravas" is famous all over the country.

Posts random snippets of her brother's lives.

Once posted a short of Dushasan picking his nose that went viral and got a whole episode of "The Harsh Truth About Having Women In Your Family" on his podcast.

Ashwatthama

Cunt.

You could say the nicest thing to him and he'd still take it the wrong way.

Thinks he's gonna be a politician. (He isn't. He never will. Everyone hates him.)

Occasional gym video with Duryodhana.

His fans know. The way he looks at Dury, the fans know.

Keeps getting his account hacked but all the people do is rid the world of his treacherous content.

Note:- in my AU, the Kauravas aren't siblings from the same mother but very close knit cousins from a huge joint family.

[rageprufrock]

I had to write this down so it would stop being inside of my brain--devil judge stupidity

I have a clinical dx that proves I lack the emotional self regulation to stop myself from doing stupid things and I just really really want to write something funny okay!!!! No clue if this is going anywhere. I have approx 100 ideas right now and can't be held responsible for my actions.

Actually, the whole thing is Elijah's fault, because if she exercised any of the restraint she used on the Korean-speaking internet for her English language shitposting accounts, they wouldn't be in this mess at all.

That said, she'll argue to the death that if her shitty uncle is going to subject her to his sweaty, old man chest and walk around the house after one of his workouts dripping sweat with his workout pants half-hanging off of his ass, she's going to shame him like truth coming out of her Instagram.

Unfortunately, the general reaction to her caption ("god my uncle is so gross") turns out to be a tsunami of absolutely unhinged horny commentary from a community she'd previously believed to be upright, clear-minded young women with promising careers in STEM. There's a run on eggplant emojis. There are so many eyeballs. Prayer hands left and right. People are calling Yohan "daddy" in sixteen languages.

It's funny in an absolutely repulsive way, and here, even Elijah has to admit to culpability, because in retrospect, when someone had commented, "so can your auntie fight?" she absolutely should not have posted a picture of Gaon from his army service, sun bronzed with his arms out, and said, "lol yeah."

Yohan works approximately 18 hours a day with breaks for the gym, to psychologically torture her over dinner, and an hour where Elijah puts on her noise canceling headphones and assiduously does not listen to whatever the fuck is happening down the hall in his bedroom. But he's also the nosiest, most intrusive person on the face of the earth with a squadron of terminally online assistants so it's only a matter of time before he's going to find out he's now internet famous and that there's an AO3 tag for "hot uncle/soldier boy (not The Boys)" and destroys all of her electronic equipment.

Gaon, who hasn't logged into social media in like three years, could feasibly go to his grave not knowing--except that he works in the juvenile court system which means she's not totally surprised when he comes home on Tuesday with a weird look on his face and says:

"Elijah, I think we've been hacked," he says, because he's a genuinely nice person who must have committed some kind of heinous crime in a past life to attract Kangs left and right. "I think someone got into our phones, or our wifi. One of my clients showed me a post today that looks like someone stole a CCTV picture of Yohan, and then posted some old picture from when I was in the army."

Elijah is listening with an active grimace on her face, trying to decide what to say and how to say it, when the SmartHome speaker crackles to life and Yohan's voice echoes out of it, saying:

"Kang Elijah, did you out Gaon and I with your fake instagram."

[stuthestew]

Warning!! Long Ramble Ahead!!!

Hello TurboNation!!! I have a tasty little theory/headcannon for y'all to munch on (this all hinges on one part being correct plz be nice to me 🙏)

I was pondering on his backstory and something always popped out to me. He is probably the first and only instance of "going turbo", at least to the degree of getting games unplugged. Which got me thinkin...

There's no way he knew what the consequences of his actions would be 🤔

This freshly opened arcade, no one had ever seen a game get unplugged before (if this is wrong, feel free to correct!). And not to even mention game jumping, that was unheard of!

So imagine, you're Turbo, and you get jealous of the rival racing cabinet. In your jealousy, you do something no one has EVER DONE and sabotage a game. How could he have known that his and their game would be unplugged? Or that unplugging was even a thing that could happen?

We see the entire backstory, assumingly, from Felix's perspective. It could be entirely true, but this theory stems on the fact it may be false. What if the arrogance was a cover up for insecurity? Of course he loved winning, that meant people loved him. (WHICH WOULD MAKE HIM AN EVEN COOLER PARALLEL FOR RALPH but we aren't talking about that rn)

I wonder if he felt regret initially (in the event he isn't just an evil bastard)? Was he horrified by his actions, and terrified to ever show himself, afraid of what people would do to him? Afraid of people not loving him? Did he have to convince himself that he was evil and awful to cope with the way people saw him now? Obviously taking over the arcade was not his first decision

He had stayed happily in Sugar Rush for years! Never made any move to be more powerful than what he was. Of course, it was at the expense of Vanellope, but in his mind, he had to do anything to keep his new home, including hacking and manipulation

Is he less calculated than he seems? Is everything he does in desperation to keep his only home, which he has total control over?

When he becomes a cybug, everything goes off course. It's no longer "be king of sugar rush", it's "I MUST TAKE OVER THE ARCADE!" which I'm assuming is mostly the cybug. But of course, if he controlled the arcade, no one could take away his home then

All this to say, I wonder if he was just that evil, or if it was all in an effort to be happy again, no matter the cost

If all this ends up being incorrect because I didn't know the lore that will be one of the most embarrassing things that have happened to me but I will embrace the cringe with open arms

Even if that one bit is incorrect it's cool to think about

TDLR : what if this unapologetic villain had a tragic backstory?

[xmalereader]

Simon Riley X Tall! Male Reader

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|| Masterlist ||

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Authors note: I caved into this request even though I wasn’t accepting any but couldn’t help but get it done. I tried to give it batman and catwomen vibes but failed miserably. (￣∀￣) anyways, enjoy this shot that I didn’t really try my best on but did what I could to get the story going.

Request: Ghost X Tall! Male Reader that can speak Spanish (it's hella sexy) and tries to teach Ghost some too...

Warnings: Fluff, Spanish language, flirting, masked reader, tall reader, missions, hacker, pas memories, learning, ghost falls for reader, mentions of Alejandro’s past, language, semi short shot, code name: rouge.

Word count: 3.2k

Tags: @guardkeywolf

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Laswell had a mission for the a team, fairly simple but also risky. She thought the process would be a lot faster than she thought but instead took notice that the mission she needed to complete was going to be a lot harder than she thought and needed all the help that she could get. She didn’t need strong men but intelligence and the last intelligent person they had was Graves until the betrayal. His skills would’ve come in handy if he didn’t betray them along with Shepard. She instead had to look for an alternate route, one that she felt hesitant to use.

When she arrived in base she was able to get everyone to meet her, standing around a table as the gives everyone a nod of greeting before starting. “Thank you for accepting my offer, I’ve been tracking down Finch for years and had a hard time tracking him until now.” She holds out a folder and sets it in front of everyone, opening and showing them a picture of their target. “Finch operates in Money Laundering. He’s in charge of cleaning the money in order for it to be used and harder to trace.” She explains, setting out the file. “He helps big leaders, gangs, drug dealers, cartels—whoever the hell he can get in contact with, he will work for them. If we can get him then we can get all the intel that we need from people he might know. Target must come back alive.” Her last weird date stern and serious, she couldn’t lose this man nor can she risk getting him killed.

“Very well,” Price is the first to speak up. “How do you want to do this?”

Laswell nods. “Finch will be arriving to a casino in Las Vegas—good place to deal with money when their are so many people around gambling for it. You’ll all need to be undercover, blend in with the crowd and find a way to keep his guards away from him.” She explains, pointing at a few pictures of Finch’s guards that followed him everywhere he went. “Here’s the tricky part, he has total control of surveillance. If he takes notice of anything then it’s over for us.”

“So, how do we get through without getting caught by cameras?” Soap is the one to ask this time, raising a brow at her as she softly grins at the man. “I know someone who can help us.” She digs into her bag and pulls out another folder, showing the boys before sliding it over to Price first, who takes the folder and reads through it.

“He goes by Rouge—slippery bastard but will help us. He’s a hacker, can easily slip in out of anything.” She stands up straight and crossed her arms over her chest as she watched them carefully, passing the folder to each other as they read through the information and background. “He first hacked into the pentagon at the age of twelve, later at the age of fourteen he would hack into many wealthy companies and steal their personal information along with selling it. The kid got 5 companies to file for bankruptcy and nearly a hundred people were arrested for illegal information.”

Ghost takes the file next, eyes scanning the information as they land on a small picture clicked on the corner, his eyes narrowing as he takes in the other man’s features. Before he could hand the folder back to Laswell she speaks up fast. “Ghost, your mission is to keep a close eye on him and to protect him at all costs.” She refers to the hacker.

Ghost grunts, setting the folder down on the table. “Does he know how to use a gun?” He wants to make sure that the kid could at least defend himself or know how to fight. “He can handle a gun.” Laswell smiles back at ghost before she looks at everyone else. “Very well, he will be arriving tomorrow. Be prepared.” She instructed before giving them one last nod and leaving the room, giving them time to get ready for their new mission.

—

Simon wasn’t too happy that he’d have to sit back and take care of a new recruit. He wasn’t one to babysit rookies but Laswell had pulled him aside after their meeting and told him that their hacker was a slippery one and loved to escape their grip. The kid was smart and could easily steal millions without anyone noticing. Simon questioned himself as to why they haven’t arrested the rookie or perhaps kept a close eye on him? He wasn’t given a reason and he’d rather not ask why. Simon stayed back at base to wait for the hackers arrival while the others got ready, it was until Soap came out to join him when he asked. “Think the new guy knows what he’s doing?”

Simon sighs deeply and shrugs. “Not sure, let’s hope he doesn’t mess up our mission.” He wouldn’t want to deal with the rookies mess if he were to create one for himself. Both him and Soap watched as a plane comes down, landing near them as the two stood back and watched, the door slide open. The first thing the two men took notice of their new teammate was his height, he was around the same height as ghost, perhaps slightly taller by a few inches but he didn’t seem too intimidate. In fact, the new rookie wore all black with a case in hand, grinning at the two as he approached them. “Gentleman.” His voice was soft but also filled with a teasing tone, ghost knew he wasn’t going to like him.

Soap was the first to speak up. “Good to see ya! I’m soap, you’re the one they call rouge?” He questions. While the other nods. “Some call me Rouge others call me Fox.” He suddenly says, giving soaps hand a shake and eyeing Ghost up and down before focusing back to soap. “Fox?”

“You’ll know when you see my work.” Rouge answers, hand on his hip as he looks over his shoulder to see the other team members exiting the building. The first thing rouge does when the rest of the group approaches is pull Alejandro into a hug while the other laughs and slaps his hand against his shoulder. “Look at you! Portándote bien?”

“Como no?”

The two laugh at each other before pulling away. Simon glanced at the two, obviously knowing that the two had some sort of connection to each other but what surprised ghost the most was that the rookie spoke Spanish. He didn’t sound like he was learning, more like he was raised with it as a slight accent is hard in his words.

“It’s been too long, causing trouble again?” Alejandro added while Y/n smiles widely at his old friend. “I’m always causing trouble, because of my trouble I’m here to help you boys. Laswell caught me up on everything and thinks I can help with getting your guy.” He waves his case around, showing them his tools. “Good, we need someone like you.” Alejandro chuckles, giving the other a large smile.

“Good, now.” Price speaks up from the group. “Laswell already gave us the plans, let’s get ready and start heading out. Ghost—you and rouge should head down to the casino first, get in and find a safe place to stay hidden while Rouge does his own magic.”

Rouge smirks. “Si, Señor.”

That gets everyone moving, separating into different vehicles that they plan to take to Vegas. Rouge follows ghost towards their own car, getting up front as he sets his case on his lap, smiling softly to himself as ghost sighs deeply. “Let’s get this done quickly.” He states, starting the car up and driving away from base while Rouge opens his case and pulls out his laptop.

He flips it open and tries away, chewing on his lip as he focused on getting through the building and perhaps a map of the building. Ghost would glance over to him every few seconds before asking. “What are you doing?”

“I’m checking for a blind spot.” He mutters out, tilting his head to the side. “Hm, the bathroom is one but it’ll be too crowded—too many people will come and go. Perhaps the security room?”

“Too dangerous—we can’t get anyone else involved into our mission.”

“Fine.” He continues to check for any other blind spots, scanning the floor and frowning. “We can do the roof.” He points out. “There’s a skylight on the casino, big enough for us to stay hidden and no cameras up there. If their are guards then we simply take them down and I’ll be able to work on peace. No one will get in our way and I have a clear view of the floor below me.” He explains, showing Ghost his laptop and an image of the skylight.

Ghost only gives it a glance before agreeing to the idea. The other man smiles softly and returns back to typing as he checks for any other alternates in case the skylight doesn’t, jumping softly to himself as he mumbled under his breath. “Todavía no.” He sighs to himself before closing his laptop and slipping it back inside the case. Ghost side eyes him before focusing back on the road, his hand gripping the steering wheel and asks.

“How do you and Alejandro know each other?”

Rouge hums. “Oh? Estas curioso?” He raises a brow.

“No.”

Rouge laughs at his response, throwing his head back and smiling widely. “I helped me with some personal matters, we tend to get in debt with each other.” He doesn’t provide much detail about their relationship, keeping it a secret from him. He didn’t need to tell Ghost further details about his own personal life, it was dangerous and could get him caught if he were to do anything that was considered illegal. He’d rather be safe and not spread too much information about himself which is why his file was so small when Laswell presented it to the boys, only giving his code name along with his skills. The rest was either a mystery to everyone or perhaps a lie in order to keep his identity hidden.

“I’m guessing this personal matter was something illegal.” Ghost decides to speak up again, pulling rouge out of his thoughts as he turns to face the other. He shakes his head in response to ghosts statement. “It wasn’t bad, I was simply helping a friend.” He shrugs his shoulders. “Alejandro did teach me a few things—“ he laughs. “His mother taught me Spanish, she’d force me to speak it when I’m around her and I learned to speak it fluently. She’d also get pissed when Alejandro taught me how to swear around her.” It was a fond memory that he treasured. The sound of an elderly women cussing out her son as she waved a wooden spoon while chasing him around. The women may be old in age but she still had some stamina in her when it came towards disciplining her children.

“I’m trying to learn—been getting dragged around a lot in Mexico and had grown to the language.” Ghost admits.

This gets rouges attention. “Really? Perhaps I can teach you along the way.” He offers, sitting up in his seat and thinks. “You can understand it?”

“A little.”

“Perfect, how about I just speak it every once an awhile before switching back to English. I heard that it helps.”

Ghost thinks about the idea before agreeing with the other man. He’s been around the others for awhile that he’s grown to know a few Spanish words that were repeated around frequently. He understands the language but can’t speak it. In truth, he only asked to learn since he enjoyed the sound of the other man’s voice whenever he spoke the language, soft and seductive and it lured ghost to the man.

“Muy bien—“ Rouge checks the watch on his wrist. “En dos horas llegamos a Las Vegas. Once we get there I’ll make sure that we get inside undetected and onto the roof while the others get ready for tonight.” Rouge had seen the others disguise and how they had to blend in with the other guards or as civilians who were coming in to gamble while both he and ghost remained on the roof.

“You don’t wear a vest.” Ghost suddenly points out since he was wearing all black and some leather gloves sticking out of his pocket.

“Don’t need it, el disfraz que yo tengo puesto es suficiente.” Rouge blended well in the shadows, staying hidden from the publics eyes. He could get the job done and escape without leaving a trace of himself behind. He made sure to make no mistakes when on the job.

—

When they arrived to the casino they made sure to park in the back, waiting quietly as they watched the others enter the casino. The streets of Vegas were full, everyone either drinking or spending their money while they gamble. Rouge wasn’t one for parties but he didn’t mind gambling for some money or just taking money from the rich.

Looking through his scope he watched as the group got inside, signaling that it was there turn to move. Rouge puts his scope away and turns to ghost. “Listo?” He asks and gets a nod in response. Rouge grins, slipping on his own face mask to cover up the bottom half of his face, holding his case close as the two step out of the car and into the dark alleyways. The streets were dark and everyone was too intoxicated to take notice of the two of them as they climbed onto the roof top.

Rouge is the first to reach the top, hiding in the dark as he checks for any guards. “Esta seguro.” He whispers to ghost who followed after him. The two moving low and quiet as they reach the skylight, below them is the casino and gives them both a good view of the entire place. He smiles under his own mask and turns to ghost, leaning close to the other man as he whispers near his ear.

“Keep an eye out, yo hago lo demás.”

His words cause a shiver to run down ghosts spine as he watched Rouge sit near the skylight and open his case, pulling out his laptop and hacking into security. “Child’s play.” Rouge scoffs, easily getting into the security and getting access to all cameras and security numbers. “Ya entre.” He shows his laptop to ghost, showing him the surveillance footage.

Ghost raised his brows, impressed by his work. “Didn’t think it would be that easy.”

“no siempre es fácil.”

Ghost holds his gun in hand, ready for anything. “Para ti si es.” His Spanish is a little choppy and with a hint of his accent. His sudden words surprise Rouge who's eyes widen as he chuckles, clapping his hands twice. “Mirate! Ya andas aprendiendo, mi fantasma.”

Ghosts face heats up at his last words. He coughs and clears his throat, focusing back on the mission as Rouge worked on the cameras. He sat on the floor, leaning against the wall and focused on the computer in-front of him. “You know—this guy your getting why not get him when he’s alone? He’s been around many places without guards but you pick the casino out of all places.”

“We need to make sure that we catch him in the act when he launders money. Who knows what else he’s doing.”

Rouge frowns deeply under his mask. “Yeah, who knows.” His eyes cast down, staring down at the casino and watched people gamble. He watched the rich gamble away their money that they had no need for. He’s seen the way they’ve handled their money, too much to us that instead of giving it to those in need they become selfish and keep it for themselves. He sighs deeply and turns back to the cameras and takes notice of their target while the boys made a move to get him. Rouge sets his laptop to the side and comes to a stand, getting ghosts attention. “Mi haces un favor?”

“What is it?”

Rouge moves past him, going around the skylight. “Can you stand here and keep an eye from here? I took notice of a few escape routes for our target and in case he takes one I want to make sure that you take notice.”

“Wouldn’t the cameras show you?”

“Their blind spots and I wouldn’t be able to see.” He responds back and watched as ghost walks over to him, standing in a new area while rouge grins under his mask. “Gracias.” He stood close to ghost as he whispered his gratitude to him. Ghost tries to focus on his task while Rouge goes back to his laptop on the other side of the skylight, picking it up and typing away as he listens to the comms.

He looks down below at the casino. “And…lights out.” He pressed a key on his laptop as the lights go dark and the room goes into chaos as everyone panics while the guards grow cautious of the lights going out. Their comms go off while ghost grows confused.

“Soap, do you copy? What’s going on down there!” He shouts into his comm but gets no response, he can hear them but they can’t hear him. “What—?” He looks up to see rouge by the edge of the roof, mask removed as he gives ghost a Cheshire grin. “Adois, mi fantasma.” He gives him a wink and jumps off the building, disappearing into the crowded streets blow a ghost cursed under his breath.

He checks his vest to see that his comm was turned off, he’d thought he had it one this whole time. He’s quick to turn the comms back on and quickly gets in touch with the others.

“Ghost, how copy? Dammit ghost are you there?” He hears Soap call for him.

He turns to his comm and glared, before he can respond back the lights are back on in the casino. He growls in anger. “Copy, rouge escaped.” Laswell had warned him.

“Hijo de puta.” He hears Alejandro sigh out in frustration through the comms. “Did we get finch?” Ghost asks the real important question, wanting to make sure that their target was alive.

“No, he escaped.” Said Soap.

Ghost huffs angrily, making his way towards the edge of the roof and to make his way down. Once he reaches the bottom of the steps he finds the car still in the same place, meaning that rouge had escaped by foot. He walks up to the car and pulls the door open, supposed to see Finch tied up and gagged on the passenger seat. The man is unconscious and with a note stuck to its forehead.

Ghost rounds the car and opens the door, removing the note and reading it to himself.

“Para mi fantasma.” 

Ghost laughs, shaking his head as he comms the others and let’s them know that their target was secure and alive. He ignored their questions of disbelief through the comms and focused back on the note in his gloved hand. “Fucking hell.”

[baggebythesea]

To learn philosophy is to read way too much about a handful of dead people, one of whom you really - and I mean really - want to punch in the face.

So it's just my tragedy that the one I want to punch is Plato.

Me: "I'LL FUCK YOU UP YOU ESSENTIALIST FUCK!"

Plato 'The Broad': "Is it someone searching for wisdom I hear squeaking?"

Me, swiping inefficiently at him: "NATURE IS A GRADIENT AND NOT DISCRETE CATEGORIES YOU FUCKING HACK!"

Plato, an actual factual wrestler, casually holding me at arm's length with one hand: "Diogenes must have brought me another plucked chicken, because surely this can't be a man?"

Me, crying in humiliation as he throws me to the floor without any effort whatsoever: "Poetry… is… actually… good…"

Plato, folding me in half as easily as if he was folding paper: "Surely, if you're looking for the platonic form of a chest, you could do worse than to gaze at mine."

Me: "Your… perfect form of government… is… authoritarian…"

Plato, repeatedly hitting me with my own hand: "Stop dialecting yourself, stop dialecting yourself."

Me, spitefully wheezing: "In the future, platonic love will mean not fucking."

Plato: "What did you say?"

Me: "Nothing, nothing."

Like, why couldn't my philosophy nemesis have been Kirkegaard? I could totally take Kirkegaard.

[opalisprocrastinating]

PMD Special Episode 0 Romhack: Secret Cutscene!

NOTE: This post will contain minor spoilers for the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Time, Darkness, and Sky games as well as a romhack based off of it: Special Episode 0: In a Dark Past Well. This wasn't exactly what I expected for my first post, but I sure as hell ain't complaining! I'm making this post since I discovered something that I haven't seen posted anywhere, so I thought I might as well share it. Sorry if it's a little long! First off, a bit of context: Thanks to numerous fanart, I've begun playing a PMD romhack called Special Episode 0: In a Dark Past. It's a romhack of the Explorers of Time, Darkness, and Sky games specifically, delving deeper into the backstories of two of its characters: Grovyle and Dusknoir. As a massive PMD EoS fan, I've been enjoying it so far! Highly recommend it to anyone who's a fan of these games or characters and the writing is great! You can check out the creator's Twitter here, the hack download should be in a pinned post: https://twitter.com/PKMM_ESPEP0 It was when I got to a fight with a Vespiquen and her Combee that I got a little curious. Before I picked up this hack, I'd already watched a short playthrough of it and knew that you were supposed to lose this fight to continue the story (Vespiquen is ridiculously strong and uses Silver Wind, which basically kills you from anywhere). But I wondered if it was possible to beat it. After all, I had a lot of stun seeds by this point, and Duskull knew both Disable and Hypnosis which could stall the Vespiquen.

So I did. Though I must first confess, I didn't do it 100% legitimately. I don't own a DS, so I play all my games using emulators, including both PMD EoS and this romhack. Thus, I was able to save right before the battle so I wouldn't have to reset and go through the entire dungeon every time I lost. So while I did manage to beat the Vespiquen fair and square from start to finish, I did do a couple resets to save time. But that's not what I made this post for. After beating the Vespiquen, I unlocked a secret cutscene! I haven't seen anyone share this before, so I thought I might as well put this out there for anyone who is curious. For anyone who's read this far, thank you so much, and here it is! (It's quite long at about 7 minutes, but it's totally worth the watch!)

Thanks for reading through this one hell of a first post! Like I said, I really love PMD and from the little I've experienced, this romhack is just as beautifully written. Highly recommend checking it out if you haven't! I wonder if I should start posting PMD fanart of my own...

[octomae]

okay i beat side order for real this time :3 rainbow infinity... autistics (me) are winning

my tips and strategy under the read more (now with more chip tips since i posted this the day before):

Low Hacks 8's Palette

Hacks (x3): 3 Lives total, Armor recovery 10 seconds, Risky Rewards (18 chips) Strategy: Focus on splash damage, splash radius, explosions, knockback, bombs, ect.

General tips:

Hard and rigorous levels are hard and rigorous. I died on a hard level my first time running 8s palette like a week or so ago and it was... humbling.

ALWAYS have an escape route. Ink the walls. Stay AWAY from corners. The walls of the level are okay but do NOT back yourself into a corner.

Get a bomb you WILL USE. My preferred bomb in the tower is burst bomb (takes little ink, good for inking right away), so I got that from a vending machine.

Splashdown special is good for both taking out enemies quickly and knocking enemies back. I recommend keeping it for the strat I used, unless using it is like your worst nightmare. Don't hinder yourself if that's the case, but it does work extremely well with this strategy.

Don't be afraid to run away from a hoard. Ink with tap shots if you must just to give yourself some ground, but don't be afraid to just book it.

While in the level, stay on the move. Don't take risks; take your time to do it safe and cautiously.

Keep an eye on your membux. It's 100 to skip 1-9, 500 to skip 11-19, 1000 to skip 21-29. I don't recommend skipping early levels unless the chips offered are bad.

Unless a chip you're hunting for/need for your run shows up, take the vending machine floors, even if you don't plan to buy anything.

Don't be afraid to give up and start over if the chips you've got from 1-9 aren't preferable to progress with.

Chip tips:

Knockback (purple chip) and Explosion Knockback (purple chip) are VERY HELPFUL. You want to keep enemies AWAY from you. Just one of either will be enough, two of either won't hurt but palette space is limited and you'll want other chips.

Working together with knockback, Lucky Bomb Drop (green) is also extremely helpful. Just one helped me a lot. Two was definitely worth it. I'd almost say this chip is required.

Working together with knockback and lucky bomb drop, Splash Radius (orange chip) affects bombs and popped portals. Try and get at least one, it'll help you with Smollusk.

Sticky Ink (purple chip)/Poison Ink (red chip) are both very good. One of each is good, but I don't recommend stocking up on them, unless you're having trouble hunting damage chips down. Stock up on whatever sticky and poison you can in that case.

For 8s palette, Main Damage (Close) (red chip) is much better than Main Damage (Distant) (red chip). I completely skipped the latter and did just fine with 3 main damage (close).

Try to get at least one Main Firing Speed (red chip), it'll save you a little bit of a headache and help damage enemies faster and ink turf faster. If you grab more than one, try to get any of the ink saver or ink recovery chips (purple chips)

Splash Damage (red chip) would have been helpful for me since I was focused on explosions for my run, but I didn't actually ever get any. However, if you're doing my strat, it definitely wouldn't hurt to nab a few of this chip.

Just one Main Ink Coverage (orange chip) will help you a lot, assuming you've got sticky/poison ink.

Give Pearl the Drone Splat Bomb (teal chip) so she can actually help you instead of floating around doing nothing. Don't worry about any other drone chips. Upgrading her bomb at least once won't hurt you, but it's not preferable.

Other chips that won't hurt you if you can't find the above chips:

Ink Damage (red chip) - actually not preferable for 8s palette, since it takes a large amount of them to actually show results. however, if it's the only damage chip you can find, get it

Special Charge Up (orange chip) - never hurts to stock up if you can't find damage chips

Hindrance Damage (orange chip) - if you've got more sticky ink and poison ink than other damage chips, this one will help you the most

Disc Piece Drop (green chip) - worth it to nab at least one

Canned Special Drop (green chip) - also worth it to nab at least one

Armor Drop (green chip) - definitely won't hurt to grab one if you need it

Splat Ink Recovery (purple chip) - always worth it

Ink Saver (Main) (purple chip) - extremely good for balancing against how fast your ink goes if you've got more than one main firing speed chip

Ink Saver (Sub) (purple chip) - SUPER HELPFUL if you're focusing on bombs

Ink-Recovery Rate - untold amounts of helpful

Mobile Ink Recovery (blue chip) - not preferable, but useful for a not so preferable run

Mobile Special Charge (blue chip) - same as above. this one doesn't hurt either

Squid Attack (blue chip) - only recommended if you're good at performing squid rolls

Main Piercing (orange chip) - not preferable, but useful

Ink Attack Size (orange chip) - not preferable, but useful

[filthyjoetini]

Stumblin' In

a/n: Well...it's been...a while. heh. Sorry. I've been going through a lot. On here (the accusations...) as well as in life. Latter keeps me busy to no end. It's exhausting...but I'm back. beta-reader, editor, partner in crime: @barfightzanddiscolightz

warnings: mentions of previous injury, rpf, fem!reader, cuteness overload

wordcount: 2.2k

part 1 - part 2 - part 4

Part 3

You let yourself fall face down on the sofa with a loud sigh. The last few days had been nothing short of exhausting. Your back and neck still hurt, and the concussion had caused some nightmarish migraines that had left you unable to work. So, you spent your days in your dark living room, accompanied by your two cats, Freya and Kiro. Freya, a chubby lady with a moustache who you had had to put on a diet, was sitting on the back of your sofa, silently judging you. Kiro, your long-haired void of a cat, sat next to you, purring in your ear.

When you had come home from the hospital almost a week ago, they had greeted you with loud, screaming meows as if they had been starving. Your dad had been looking after them, cuddling them and feeding them generously. You also knew that he had given each of them a little treat every time before he left. So much for starving. Total drama queens - Both of them. But that's just Freya and Kiro, you wouldn't trade them for any other cats in the world.

Today had been your first day back at work and you wished you hadn’t gone. Your migraines had stopped the day before, but your body was still killing you. Groaning, you pushed yourself up to sit properly on your sofa, your legs sprawled out on its long chaise longue. You took a blanket from the basket beside it and pulled it neatly over your legs. Kiro immediately took this as an invitation to plop down between your legs. You were about to open one of your newly ordered books when your phone buzzed. A new message.

Huffing annoyedly, you picked up your phone from where it lay beside you to check who had the audacity to disturb your precious reading time.

It was Joe. Forgotten were your pain and shitty mood.

He hadn't texted you in days and, not wanting to appear desperate, you hadn't texted him either. That's just the way you were, constantly thinking that you were annoying people with your presence.

Pushing the negative thoughts to the back of your mind and grinning to yourself, you quickly unlocked your phone and read his message.

Bambi on ice! How are you?

You rolled your eyes at his new name for you. You got it, you're a klutz.

Hello to you too, Joe... I'm fine. How are you?

I'm good. Very busy. That's why I haven't texted you the last few days. I'm sorry about that.

Oh... you don't have to apologise. It's fine.

No. I don't want you to get the wrong impression. I'm working abroad at the moment, and I only have internet when I'm back in my temporary home. And then I get flooded with messages and things to check as soon as my phone connects to the internet. I didn't mean to forget about you.

You read the last sentence he wrote not once, but twice... no screw it, five times. You'd be lying if you said it didn't affect you. The slight pink tint to your cheeks betrayed you and you were glad no one was around to point it out. You had to change the subject. This is too much lovey-dovey bullshit. You were not ready for this... yet.

How are you supposed to do your hacking without internet? Must be difficult.

Perfect.

All Joe did was send a series of eyeroll emojis that made you giggle.

It's a top-secret mission, you know. We're doing it the old-fashioned way. Infiltrate and then destroy. 😉

All right there, soldier. Top secret. Got it.

But I'll be back in four days!

Amazing! Quick in and out then?

Yeah...something like that. Hey... I was wondering if you were up for that date you owe me when I get back?

You stared at his question and the blush crept back into your cheeks. Here you were again. Back to the subject you had hoped to avoid, at least for a little while longer.

While you had agreed to go on a date with him, your motivation was more to please him and get off the hook so you could get inside your house. You were knackered and just wanted to rest. Days had passed, and you had been beating yourself up about agreeing. You weren't dating at the moment. You found contentment in the way your life was going. Nevertheless, you had promised him, and breaking a promise was not your style.

Swallowing hard, you let your fingers tap out your response.

Sure! Just let me know when and where and I'll be there 😊

Great! Can't wait!

Me either!

Listen, I gotta go now. Duty calls! Text soon?

Of course! Good luck with your mission.

Thanks! Bye, darling xx

Bye Joe xx

---

Fuck. You had an official date. With Joe. You needed to tell a certain someone.

"Brother in Christ. How are you?"

Of course, your best friend would pick up like that. You pushed yourself up a little, which made your legs move, much to Kiro's displeasure. The cat glared at you, and you quickly apologised with a kiss to his head.

"I'm fine...guess what!", you tried her, gnawing on your bottom lip.

"You finally managed to put your summer clothes in the basement?" she guessed.

"Well, yeah...but that's not what I wanted you to guess.", you snorted and then blurted it out: "I-have-a-date."

"What?"

"I HAVE A DATE!”, you repeated, almost shouting. Since your neighbours were all half deaf anyway, you didn't care that you had just raised your voice.

“Ouch, don’t yell at m- WAIT! You?! Have a date?!”, she sputtered.

"Yes!”, you replied in a breezy voice.

"With who?"

"Joe.", you replied so quietly that she almost didn't hear it, but her gasp gave her away.

"Joe. As in 'your knight in a beige cable-knit jumper'-Joe?"

"Yes!”, you squeaked out, earning a glare from both your cats.

"Holy shit, babes! This is like one of those romance films we sometimes watch on film night.”, she gushed, clearly very excited for you.

"Ugh, yeah. I know.”, you groaned. "I need your help. I don't have anything to wear!"

"Lies! Your wardrobe is bursting at the seams."

Which was true, but she didn't have to expose you like that.

"I know. Can you help me put together an outfit? I will repay you fabulously!"

"Ahhh... just deduct it from the mountain of drinks-debt I owe you. I'll be there in 20 minutes!"

"Wait! The date's not even se-", you started, but she had already hung up. Typical her.

18 minutes later your doorbell rang and there she stood in all her 'hair in a messy bun, oversized jumper, leggings with a questionable stain and the oldest trainers she could find' glory. Her face was sporting a huge grin.

"You look absolutely insane." you pointed out as soon as you opened the door, chuckling. She snorted and pushed past you, heading for your room. You quickly followed, knowing full well that without you, she'd start pulling out pieces of clothing from your closet and throwing them on your bed.

---

She had been rummaging through your wardrobe for almost two hours now and had mentioned that you had 'too many things' at least 20 times, accompanied by an eyeroll, whilst you made yourself comfortable on your bed. Your cats had decided to join you for a while, but the mess she was making was too much for them and they went back to the living room.

She was standing on one of the shelves in the closet, trying to get to the top shelf. It was the most hilarious thing you had ever seen, you had to snap a picture. Without thinking, you sent it to Joe.

Who’s that?

My best friend. She’s a madwoman.

I can see that, and I see how she’s your bestie. You both like to put yourselves in dangerous situations. I bet she’s pulled a Humpty Dumpty before as well.

You snorted at his text, earning a raised eyebrow from your friend who was still standing in your wardrobe. When she saw you were on your phone, she gasped and jumped out of the wardrobe. She quickly made her way over to you.

"Who are you texting?", she demanded, her eyes narrowing.

"Nobody."

"Bullshit.”, she claimed, holding out her hand to you. "Give me the phone."

"No.”, you giggled, trying to crawl away from her, but to no avail. She was very quick and snatched the phone out of your fingers. Her eyes went wide.

"BITCH! Stop sending pictures of me to your boyfriend!"

"He's not my boyfriend!", you argued, snorting and laughing at the face she was making.

"He better be after your date...", she muttered, tossing your phone back at you, which you almost caught with your face. "I've got your outfit."

With a huge grin, she walked back over to your wardrobe and picked up a few stray clothes. Then she laid them out orderly on your bed. It was perfect. Totally you. Totally the opposite of Joe. You'd stick out like a sore thumb.

“Thanks babe.”, you smiled, pushing yourself off the bed and engulfing her in a tight hug.

"Anytime, love.”, she grinned into your hair and returned your hug with an even tighter one.

"Coffee and biscuits?", you asked her as you pulled away and her face lit up all over again. She didn't even answer your question but ran off to the kitchen.

"You better have chocolate chip cookies!", you heard her yell, knowing she'd already opened your cupboard where you stored your sweets. When you heard her excited squeak, you knew she had found them. Shaking your head at her antics, you made your way to the kitchen to join her. You wouldn't trade her for anything in the world, either.

---

When your best friend left, it was already dark outside. You opted for a light dinner which consisted of a piece of sourdough bread, half a tomato, a handful of shredded cheddar cheese and three green olives. Everything was neatly arranged on the plate. Girl Dinner was served.

Walking over to the sofa to read for the second time that evening, you placed your plate on the small table in front of it, sat down and draped a blanket over yourself. Picking up the plate, you leaned back against the headrest and popped an olive into your mouth. Freya and Kiro soon joined you and tried to beg you for some of the sourdough. Kiro was particularly persistent, but so were you. When they finally realised you weren't going to give in, Kiro trotted off to sulk under one of your chairs and Freya retreated to her place on the headrest.

You were just about to open your book when your phone again alerted you to a new message. Thinking it was your best friend letting you know she had gotten home, you leaned forward to grab your phone. But it wasn't your best friend. Joe had texted you again.

Did you have dinner?

Uh... yeah. Why?

Oh, just checking. What are you doing?

I wanted to read, but a certain someone keeps interrupting.

Oh! My apologies. What are you reading?

This. *attachment*

Ooh. This looks interesting. What's it about?

Instead of telling him, you took a picture of the summary on the back.

It sounds very interesting. I'll stop bothering you now. Go read!

You're not bothering me, Joe.

Your last message stayed unread, and you frowned at your phone. After a couple of moments, you put your phone aside and finally started reading where you had left off.

---

You were about to take a sip of the tea you had made yourself an hour into reading when your phone beeped again. You wondered who it was. It certainly wasn't your best friend. She had let you know that she had arrived home shortly after Joe had dropped the conversation. You had a hunch, though.

Turning your phone around, you saw that Joe had sent you a picture. With a gentle tap to the screen, you enlarged the photo. It was a book, but not just any book. It was the same book you were reading. Smiling to yourself, you tapped on the picture again and added a heart reaction to it.

Then another message from Joe.

Now we can have our own little book club.

Those nine words instantly made your heart flutter.

Just the two of us?

Yep.

Count me in...

Brilliant! I was hoping you'd say yes. It'd be a shitty book club if I was on my own.

Yep. The discussions would be very one-sided.

And boring. OK, I'll let you read. I'm sure you're way ahead of me. I just got it and I gotta catch up so we can discuss it on our date.

I'd love that. Talk later?

Of course we will. Happy reading! Bye, darling xx

You too! Bye Joe xx

Grinning from ear to ear, you put your phone down and picked up your book up again. You’d never been happier that you had so mindlessly agreed to a date before.

---

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