#i need support and encouragement and i shouldnt feel this alone especially not now

[taekxxkie]

im touch starved and exhausted and so overworked how r yall

[omegawolverine]

I love it when people talk about things they're passionate about, tell me something cool!! Anything you want, just something you find interesting or want to talk about :D

hello anon my beloved, I am in a bad mood so you will be receiving a passionate, yet lowkey of pissy rant about why villainizing bakugou makes me wanna vomit and its NOT just because I'm a dumbass kinnie :)

tws: child abuse (emotional and physical), near death expierences, bullying, kidnapping, suffocation, lots of trauma in general tbh. if you've seen bnha then basically just keep all the general triggering plot stuff in mind incase i missed any warnings

also, note: I havent caught up on bnha in a minute, I'm at like the start of the war arc but I barely remember shit there tbh so like. probs missing new stuff. also bnha spoiler warnings lol

so, for starters, the homie bakugou has like,, a good handful of issues that come from his childhood that explain why he's an ass. he was always praised and never actually reprimanded for being a twat which led to him having a huge ego that ended up fucking him over majorly. this ego was something that his mother acknowledged him having, but literally didnt try to fix it with anything other than violence. see here:

like, instead of trying to help him, she hits and insults him, which is probably what led to his weird inferiority/superiority complex. being constantly told by others that you're outstanding and one day you'll be a top hero because you're rude and aggressive and then going home and being hit by your mother for those exact same behaviors is bound to fucking confuse a child.

so like, now that we've established that its definetly canon that his mother (parents? I think he said parents at some point but masaru doesn't seem like the type so 🤷) hits him though we don't know how much or how often (though if bakugou was as much of a little shit back then ((which as far as we've seen- he was)) then it was probably often), lets talk about how regardless of all that 1) hitting your kids as "discipline" not only doesn't work but is abusive lol like idc if it's spanking/popping them on the mouth for talking shit, slapping them across the face "on occasion", etc. shits not okay 2) hitting your kids!!!! does not work!!!!!!!! it is literally PROVEN not to work!!!!!!!! hitting a child who has done something wrong doesnt teach them to stop doing something it teaches them to be scared of you, which will cause the child to withdraw, removing part of their support system (assuming said abusive parents would even offer that up) and will most likely lead to them thinking they're a bad person, not that their actions were bad, which are two different things. so, ya know, that would clearly have an effect on a kid. like, as someone with a mother who reminds me all too much of mitsuki: I have acted like a complete shitbag and taken my anger out on people to feel better in the past because of the way my mother treated me. though it was nowhere near what bakugou did, I still know first fucking hand what a mother hitting and insulting her child will do, especially if they have no proper outlet for that (friends, a safe place to vent) which bakugou never fucking had.

theres also the fact that just talking to your kid the way mitsuki does (saying it's his fault he was kidnapped because he's weak, all while hitting him) is not??? okay?????? ive seen people arguing that this was just a joke in poor taste but like her son was KIDNAPPED and even if it was a "joke" there's literally NO WAY that would EVER?? BE FUNNY??????? she just sounds like the kind of parent who at the very least says shit without thinking that would traumatize bakugou (because being told right after being kidnapped it's your fucking fault by your mother is absolutely traumatizing) but it comes across as her being emotionally abusive.

mitsukis character as a whole comes across as a shitty mom who doesn't realize she's a shitty mom and thinks bakugou being an ass isn't at least partially her fault even though she's admitted to realizing he has always had an ego problem and doing nothing to fix it except for hitting and yelling which obviously did nothing but make him just as loud and violent as she is.

this is obviously not the entire reason why he's a dick but he was never properly taught that the shit he was doing wasn't okay and people not stopping it and/or praising him endlessly even tho he was a bully is basically the same as encouraging it, thank you very much.

moving on from that, let's talk about bakugous other traumas and how he naturally responds to them. hint: it's with either full blown panic or a fight response (verbal or physical, though usually physical. also sometimes it's the panic followed by the fight response.)

so far in bnha (keep in mind that I am not caught up, I've only read up to the beginning of the war arc and i barely remember those bits so) bakugou has...

nearly died via sludge villain (he was unable to move and was being suffocated to death- keep this in mind)

lost for the first time ever and against deku of all people (this nearly sent him into a full blown panic attack, likely because of that sexy little inferiority/superiority complex combo. think of this as like. gifted kid burnout lite. he has always been the best of the best and now suddenly he is being beaten by somebody who has always been weaker than him, which immediately makes him start thinking he was never actually that good, he's actually a fucking failure, a goddamn fraud)

won the sports festival by default (bakugou counts this as yet another failure because todoroki didnt try his best. had bakugou lost to todoroki full strength, he would've taken 2nd place with a bit of bitching, but he still wouldve taken it rather than refuse the medal as it would be a reminder that he failed. instead of accepting that like UA shouldve, the staff chained and muzzled him on live television and then had all might, his fucking idol, force the medal into his mouth. remember the sludge villain incident and how he couldnt move and was suffocating to death? yeah.)

been kidnapped because of the way he reacted to winning during the sports festival (he was aggressive and tried to refuse the medal because he felt he didnt deserve it and was then retraumatized by being chained up and muzzled. his "villainous attitude" was a fucking trauma response, do not tell me otherwise)

was then chained up once again by the LOV after being kidnapped,,, do we see the "retraumatize bkg" theme yet?

"ended all might" (he literally blames himself for all mights retirement because had he just not have been weak, all might wouldve had more time, right?)

my point with all of these is that bakugou has been severely traumatized and has then had his trauma responses (aggression, fight) used to further demonize him. not all people with trauma react the fucking same and the way the fandom just refuses to acknowledge anger as a valid form of trauma response is gross as hell.

moving away from that topic, bakugou has literally never had any actual friends, they all just used him and didn't care about him which absolutely will fuck up a kid, especially one who already has all that other shit going on. bakugou deadass never had a support system or people to help him grow as a person, let alone properly work through his fucking emotions so it's not surprising that he would take out his bullshit on the one person who tried to help him especially considering he saw dekus actions as him thinking he was weak. bakugou was raised to not seek help, he thought somebody strong shouldnt ever need it, so for somebody like deku (who bakugou percieved as weak and helpless already) to offer up help? deku must obviously think bakugou is even weaker than him, what other explanation could their possibly be!

speaking of which, there's his heaps of insecurities that he basically hid by being a twat and bullying others for most of his life. kid was so insecure he bullied deku for fucking years cause he thought deku looked down on him, thought he was better than him, etc. and that only got worse bc his idol then decided to take deku in, train him and even give him his quirk. there's probably some shit im missing but still he's got issues and always has had issues. that being said, he's actually improving and working them out now which is what makes him a really good, interesting character. it's also nice to see a character who is a dick without some tragic backstory (like his backstory is sad but its not the classic "my family was fucking slaughtered and i turned into a raging bitch who murders people" type shit) bc that rarely happens and it's like most assholes don't actually have a story like that they're just assholes lol

now lets talk improvement! lil bitch has been getting better since he got into UA and im so happy abt it!! he had a rough start what with deku suddenly having a quirk and all but like he is really improving now and it highkey shows that bakugou just mostly needed people who 1) didn't constantly praise him and actually criticized him instead 2) actually fucking punished him doing stupid shit and 3) some motherfucking friends

Since going to UA he's gotten actually feedback from teachers about his weaknesses and how to get stronger, he's lost against others, hes been told he has a shit attitude and is a dick, told he should be nicer and leave deku alone, etc etc. He hasn't gotten in trouble too much with teachers but others give him shit for what he does and aizawa has punished him too, while still acknowledging that bakugou is an amazing and dedicated student, something which no one else had done up til that point. and uh???? homie actually has friends who like,,, don't use him and also call him out when he's a dick. like specifically kirishima has done this shit and him and bakugous relationship is clearly very healthy and beneficial for the both of them. makes me feel all happy n shit, ya know

bottom line is: while it is absolutely valid to dislike or even hate bakugou because he is a massively flawed person who has been very cruel to others, villainizing him for the way he acts which in large part seems to be from a lack of guidance, a shitty mother and heavy amounts of trauma, is fucking awful. his actions cannot be fucking excused, he needs to apologize and continue to grow, but he is also a fucking teenager, who is just now being told that the way he acts is unacceptable by people who dont fucking abuse him (and I swear to god if any people who think mitsuki isnt abusive interact with this fucking post I will fullstop hardblock you, I do not fucking care) and actually treat him like a normal person instead of some prodigy child or someone who needs to be fixed.

people are free to debate my points or whatever bc I know some of this stuff is up to interpretation but like. dni if you're just here to say you hate bakugou for xyz reason or that he's irredeemable. also especially dni if you compare him to fucking endeavor yall bitches make me gag.

anyways thxs for the ask anon <33 sorry this is a kinda messy info dump lol

[chaotically-cas]

The Outsiders x West Side Story

I think it’s important to start with saying that, while this is my favorite all time movie, the racism of it needs to be recognized before I continue. The whitewashing & brown face in the movie is absolutely disgusting both then & now. It is not something to support or condone. I’m just making the post because I cannot help but draw so many similarities.

Tw// fighting & sexual harassment (breif mention) & death & one breif mention of suicidal thoughts

Ponyboy as Baby John:

I think this goes way deeper than them both being the youngest & newest in the gang. First of all, in the first scenes of both movies it begins with Ponyboy and Baby John getting jumped my multiple people of the other gang, & his friends coming to back him up. And shortly after that in wss, when the gang is talking about the rumble, someone brings up what they should do if knifes and chains are brought into it. & Baby John says “Why don’t we just forget the whole thing?” Which is similar to Ponyboy’s ideals around fighting. Especially fighting with weapons. Additionally, Baby John is the most hesitant about the Jet’s rules and lifestyle. He often questions the whole point of it. This is very similar to Pony because he states many times his own hesitance around being a greaser and only being viewed as such. They both look at the world through naive and pessimistic thoughts. Additionally, they are both very sensitive. In wss Baby John is found by A-Rab (who I see as Two bit which I will touch on later) crying by himself. He didn’t want anyone to see him cry after his friends death, but yet he is. This is very similar to Ponyboy’s feelings after the fire. Especially when he is walking around town with Two bit. Pony doesn’t want Two to see his broken up and sick he is, but he sees it anyway. And lastly, when Baby John is chewed out by Action (which I see as Steve) A-Rab is there to stick up with him, along with other members of the gang. Even though the both of them are the youngest of the gang they have strong feelings to prove themselves and show up.

Steve as Action:

I definitely see Steve as Action. First the obvious needing pointing out, Action isn’t that much of a fan of Baby John and Steve feels the same about Pony. But on a deeper character analysis point: the both of action & Steve are fueled by their anger and rage. They show this anger in ways of fighting and violence. In WSS one of the first scenes sees Action fighting off 2 sharks, and early on in the book Ponyboy mentions how Steve fought of 4 soc’s such a bottle. This can show how both their anger comes out in extreme ways when fighting. Steve even breaking three (?) ribs. Later on in wss, Action is ranting about how upset he is and how angry he is. And how he just wants “bust” meaning he wants to fight as a release. And he is calmed down(ish) by Ice, who I see as Soda. This is very similar to the scene where Soda and Steve are arm wrestling in the Curtis house and they are discussing why they like fighting, and Pony realizes that Steve’s motivation for fighting is hatred. To add on, Actions character is heavily influenced by Tybalt from Romeo & Juliet, where many connections can be drawn to Steve as well. Steve isn’t in the book a whole lot which makes it a bit harder to pull connections but basically; I see the two of them as having very similar set offs and coping mechanisms as well as intelligence and loyalty. As Action is the first to step up when Tony dies, similar to the way Steve scolded two bit for his joke after Dally’s death.

Darry as Ice:

I think first thing is first. At first I was so into Ice as Soda but after a lot more research and character diving: I decided on Darry. Both Darry & Ice’s protectiveness and care other the other members of the gang. Ice helping to keep the gang cool after the death of Riff, and Darry helping Pony after he gets jumped. While all of the gang in the outsiders is described as a good fighter, Pony mentions that Darry hasn’t lost a fight, which is similar because Ice is canonically the best fighter. In the movie Darry is the one who steps up to be the first to fight and to basically be the ring leader of the fight. And Ice was the one to take on Bernardo in the rumble scene. I feel like Ice and Darry are one of the closest accurate comparisons personality wise because Ice is all hard emotionless, he keeps his cool, and so does Darry. Both of them are the level headed smart ones if the group. They keep the group in line and from making too many rash decisions. Additionally, (tw rape mention) Darry & Ice aren’t as much a part of the gangs other hi-jinx. Like Dal, Two, Johnny, & Pony are at the movies & Steve and Soda are at the DX, Darry is alone doing his thing. Similar to when the gang in wss attempted to rape or assault Anita, Ice was no where to be found. I think both Ice and Darry have a better sense or maturity & cool headedness when it comes to life, especially with the gang.

Dally as Riff:

Hear me out on this one too lol. First of all, there are heavy draws to be made with Mercutio, Riff, & Dal. Especially their deaths. But I’ll be focusing more on their lives. Both Riff and Dally aren’t afraid of violence & in some cases, welcome it. Riff encouraging the use of weapons in the rumble, & Dally showing up to the rumble in the first place. As tough and heartless as they both want to seem, their soft can be shown through Tony (who I see as Johnny). Riff, in fear that Tony will get hurt in the rumble with Bernardo, steps up and takes the fight for him. Which leads to his death. Both Riff and Dally are willing to die “for Johnny” and Tony, their best friends. Additionally, Riff’s protection of Tony can be seen in Dally when he offers to help Johnny after Johnny kills someone, like Tony kills Bernardo. Both these friendships have roots in Dally & Riffs home life. Riff’s home life is discussed heavily in “Dear Officer Kurpkee” and Dally’s from Pony’s perspective. They both grew up without much family and love and without much of a home of their own, which leads to their standoffish characters. Especially since Riff feels a thankfulness to Tony for housing him, can be symbolic of Johnny feeling like Dally’s personal home. Anyway. When Riff is picking on Anybody about being in the gang, it is very similar to the way Dal picks on Cherry in the beginning of the movie. Both these characters have an independence to them, where they want to think they don’t need anyone for anything. They both believe they are alone in the world. And for that they are angry, and not afraid to die.

Two Bit as A-Rab:

I feel like this goes without mention but both A-Rab and Two Bit are described and seen as the clowns and the comedians of the group. They like to make the gang laugh and poke fun at things. Also they are both very aggressive. Not quite as aggressive as Steve & Action but pretty aggressive. This is seen through Two Bit being so willing to jump into a fight anytime (the scene with the broken bottle). And it is seen in A-Rab through him wanting to fight and getting really worked up over the death of Riff. Although the bond between both A-Rab and baby John & Pony and Two Bit; there are a good bit of connections between the friendship. A-Rab is very protective over Baby John whereas Two Bit is protective but more of in a good friend way. They are both really good guys and friends beyond their comedy. Getting back into their humor; in the outsiders movie Two Bit is scene lifting a girls skirt as a prank, showing he finds humor in the inappropriate and dirty. A-Rab makes a similar type verbal joke when Anybody is talking about fighting and joining the gang. Again, Two Bit isn’t mentioned much in the book or movie which makes it a bit hard to draw many more comparisons.

Johnny as Tony:

I know what you are thinking lol, shouldnt Pony be Tony? He is the main character after all. Hear me out: Johnny and Tony are so much alike personality wise. In the beginning, Tony talks to Riff about why he left the gang, it is a similar conversation as the one between Pony & Johnny in the lot were Johnny expresses his suicidal thoughts. I think this also goes without being said but Tony is based on Romeo, and aside from the love plot you can truly see a lot of similarities between these three characters. The main ones being their hearts good intentions. Johnnys good intentions come out in him saving Ponyboy, wanting to turn himself in to the cops, and him trying to save the kids from the fire. Tony’s good intentions are shown very similarly through him trying to fight to save Riff, not wanting harmful weapons in the rumble, and wanting to resolve things with words. Another thing is the way both of there characters died with so much regret and unfinished business. For Tony his regret was Riff’s death and his unfinished business was Maria. For Johnny his unfinished business was not living and his regret was around the same. But in the end they were ok to lie down their lives in a  gallant way for what they believed in. Tony for the feud between the gangs to end, and Johnny for the lives of the kids he saved. 

& im so so sorry but I can’t seem to see Soda’s personality & morals lining up with any of the characters in WSS I’m sorry ahhh. I hope you enough this anyway!!

This was really really fun to write. It took a while but I’m pretty proud of it 🙈🙈

[nonbinaryresource]

ive been thinking abt this for a little while & have been needing to ask someone abt it. i am nb & have always considered myself trans but recently ive not been vibing with the trans label bc i am so sick of seeing ppl exclude & invalidate nb ppl. ik that i shouldnt stop doing smth just bc other ppl r being assholes but its so tiring to see ppl constantly say how u dont belong or arent valid. srry this is long & kinda rambly i just dont really know how to feel abt it

I will directly address your ask, but I’m going to start by telling you a story about my journey with identifying as asexual and queer.

.

When I was about 11, my friends suddenly started drooling over magazines and calling people hot, and I didn’t know what it was, but I knew I did not feel whatever it is my friends were feeling.

Until I was about 16/17, this part of me remained a mystery to me and to my friends. I never had crushes, I never found people hot, I never liked complimenting people physically, I was uncomfortable with sex on TV, and I didn’t even like platonic touch. Now my group of friends were all repressed and closeted queer folk, so I didn’t have to deal with “being left behind” as my friends dated. But the later we got into high school, the more my friends began discovering and exploring their sexualities.  A freshman became a part of our friend group and was openly trans and gay. One friend came out as gay. Another as bi. They started commenting more and more about other’s looks and having crushes.

Still, there was nothing on my end. My friends used to think I was just being vague and secretive because this is what I tended to be like. I don’t think they’ve ever realized how much of it was that I truly didn’t know or understand what my lack of sexual feelings meant or that it could even mean anything. I used to just consider it a “nothingness” of myself. Until, by complete chance, I came across the term asexual. I immediately connected with it. It explained so much that I didn’t even know I needed explained.

I came out quickly after that and I was really excited and happy and proud to know who I was and what how I felt meant. My friends were great and supportive. My mom was a little ignorant but overall supportive. AVEN was great and a community for me. But if I tried to talk about it anywhere else online…

Well, the effects of how people treated me would fester for years. See, I came out as asexual before exclusionism (the specific movement of anti-aro and anti-ace erasure and gatekeeping from lgbt+ spaces) was a movement or a named thing. Yet exclusionist attitudes were exactly what I faced. My queer friends all completely accepted me as one of them and I helped co-run our school’s new GSA with the rest of them. But online, as a teen, I was facing 30+ year olds telling me I wasn’t queer and that I was just trying to seem special and that I needed to shut up about my asexuality and my experiences and that I wasn’t valid and that asexuality wasn’t a real thing and that even if asexuality was a real thing it wasn’t valid and it certainly didn’t matter.

I graduated high school and went to college and was no longer really in touch with my group of friends. I therefore completely cut myself off from any lgbt+/queer community, even though a friend invited me to join the college’s queer association. I stopped participating so much in online asexual spaces. I become wrapped up in other things.

A couple of years went by and a lot of things in my life changed. By chance, mod applications for a blog about aro and ace headcanons for a fandom I enjoyed came across my dash. I had extra time on my hands and thought I could help, so I applied and was accepted. This increased my exposure to the aspec community again and thrust me back in… just around the time exclusionism was becoming a specific and named movement of bigotry.

At the same time I resisted these ideals, I was also still hurt and unhealed from what I’d gone through as a teen. I internalized a lot of the hatred and gatekeeping. I was so hurt and so tired. I just wanted to be able to exist in peace. And people I considered myself one of were harassing me and dismissing even my biromanticism. So I struggled with my identity and my asexuality. I did not specifically become an exclusionist, but I turned my back on the lgbt+ community and spaces. I did not consider myself lgbt+ because I learned that doing so only brought pain and upset and made me feel alone and isolated. I didn’t speak a lot on exclusionism or inclusionism, but at some point I did make a plea to my fellow aspecs to just let the larger community go and be our own community and accept that maybe we could be straight. I did it out of desperation and hurt, wanting to stop feeling targeted and attacked and to stop seeing the fighting on my dash and in the tags. I just wanted us all to be happy and feel accepted and supported.

On that post, one wonderfully kind and patient person opened up a discussion with me, explaining their own hurts over exclusionism and being so damn exhausted of them and fellow aspecs being targeted and excluded and written out and not supported and feeling like they had to split their asexuality from their other queer identities and how being asexual was a part of them and how it had strongly shaped their experiences, especially with realizing and coming to terms with the other parts of their queer identity. And through their raw honesty I came to realize… I had never stopped to process the harassment I had faced and the pain and hurt that cut me so deeply.

It was a changing point for me. I realized that I had handled my pain in a bad way and had ended up lashing out at other aspecs instead of the people who were actually hurting me. I realized how much I had hurt myself and held myself back and cut myself down and dismissed parts of myself trying to fit into the box exclusionists had laid out for me, as if I could ever made them happy enough to stop harassing me and just let me exist. I cut myself down for them, but the truth is that exclusionists don’t just want aspecs “out” of the community. They want to hurt us. They want us to hurt. They want us to doubt ourselves. They want to feel strong and powerful, and they feel they can achieve this through bullying us. Perhaps some, like myself, are trying to appeal to their oppressors by pointing out another vulnerable group they could target more/instead. They are passing on hurt instead of standing up to it and so they are actually festering in hurt instead of changing anything.

Today, I am a staunch inclusionist. I understand myself and the issues aspecs face much better. I am a more compassionate person regarding the confusion and upset aros and aces have over their identity and their place in the world. I feel more stable and confident regarding my identity as an asexual - and now as an aromantic - queer person who is lgbt+.

But it was a long, hard, difficult journey to get here. It was full of a lot of turmoil. I wish I would have had a happier journey where I felt more supported and accepted, and I hope I can help provide more stability and support for future generations to not have to go through what I did.

.

My point (or one among a few, anyway) is that I deeply and personally understand how you are feeling and the decision facing you now. As someone who went through a very similar experience, my advice to you is to take care of yourself and to prioritize your mental health.

It’s okay if you can’t handle identifying as trans right now. Maybe you do need some space from the label (and definitely from the hatred and gatekeeping). Maybe you need to pull back from certain communities or blogs or discussions.

However, I will say that not identifying as trans may not bring the peace you desire. It may end up making you feel even more isolated. Not identifying as LGBT+ certainly didn’t help me. It was reactionary and it only made me feel like there were less spaces for me. That said, you may find peace in this. But I think the bigger action to take is to separate yourself from those who are saying harmful things more than to separate yourself from a label you feel really suits you. Use your block button liberally. Don’t force yourself to partake in spaces where gatekeeping is allowed or encouraged. Follow and listen to more people who are inclusive.

I think burnout like this is unfortunately pretty common. You do not have to force yourself to face this hatred or exhaustion because you think it’s the right thing to do. It’s okay to pull back and just take care of yourself. Just work on some self-care. Work on building up a community of people around you who don’t resort to bigotry and hatred and exorsexism and gatekeeping and identity policing. Engage only with what you can actually, honestly handle.

We will confront and move past this bigotry only by acting as a united front. The responsibility for improving things isn’t on any one person’s shoulders. And no one needs to be on the front lines 100% of the time, especially at the cost of their own wellbeing. Take care of yourself and rest now before you completely burn out and break down.

You do not have anything to prove, okay? I have both hope and faith that there is a lot more to your journey - a lot more good things and a lot more happiness and belonging. Take whatever time it is you need to help heal yourself and recover from the hurt and harassment that’s been plaguing you. You are important and you matter, much moreso than whatever label you use at whatever point in time. It will be okay.

I am here for you.

~Pluto

[jess-oh]

Reflection

so come holy spirit, fall in this place i need more and more of you

fill me again with the power of your spirit, Lord I’m crying out for more and more of you

Hey God! I’ve been a bit spiritually dry recently—much more than I’d like to admit. But I have been. I haven’t been totally honest with you and I’ve felt a lot of fear in my heart but right now, in this moment, I can say that I am much more genuinely glad now than I have been in a while. I didn’t need to force anything to push any sort of expectations with my InterCP friends last night. I was just present. I even went to the meeting a bit spontaneously. But I’m so glad I did. Just getting to talk and pray and eat and worship with everyone was so good. And I loved talking to Wookie’s old friend and hearing about his story and his journey and how you’ve been working in his life.

Honestly, with Lakeview, and I’m sure in some part just a result of my not so great experience with Sa-Rang back home, I do feel fear. Fear of being judged for being too loud or my poor singing or making a mistake or not being able to earn forgiveness or being outcasted or anything else. And it sucks and it keeps me from really pray earnestly and pouring everything down at His feet. Even when I need to. Even when I want to. I’m too afraid of being judged or heard or gossiped about that I don’t. 

But oh man, I knew I was singing high and I knew I probably didn’t sound great. I knew I was tired and I was afraid Hannah was judging me. But I still sang and let the Holy Spirit take control anyway. I couldn’t help but close my eyes and sway and really believe the words I was singing as true. And it was so freeing. It felt incredibly freeing to just be present and worship God with all that I am and really earnestly pray to Him and be loud but knowing I wasn’t alone. Knowing we were all trying to really pour out our hearts for the nations. It was so great talking with Amy, Hannah, and Wookie this morning about our thoughts and feelings on SM and actually being listened to and receiving encouragement or advice back and being challenged to do better. We ask the real questions and we can be blunt but that’s what I enjoy about them. I really love and care for them as people—separate from InterCP. And we all agree that some things about InterCP are questionable anyway. We already know. But at least we’re trying. Trying to be better. Trying to do something. We’re actually putting in the active efforts. They listen to me and ask me questions about things I’ve previously mentioned and follow up on it. 

They actually feel like a community to me. People that I can look to and rely on and that I trust.

And I do trust and care for Movement as well. For sure! I absolutely do. And I don’t want to be bitter towards them or say it’s all their fault or anything like that. And I’ve been trying to be more intentional with them recently and it’s been going well but I think in part bc they are my home church, a part of me will always feel the need to serve them. At least for ICP, we’re all just there as volunteers. It isn’t a huge deal if we leave. We can confess how we’re doing at our respective schools and churches and be a part of an entity separate from the areas in which we serve and actively live out our lives.

And it’s just... different. I don’t know.

I know it’s selfish but a part of me just wants to rest and not try so hard all the time anymore. Because it is hard trying so hard to be intentional and present and actively serving your community and expecting nothing in return. I want to have people in my life where if I asked them to help me move or come to an exhibition I’m participating in, they would come. And I’m not confident the people at Lakeview would come. I think they would just make up the excuse that it’s too far. Which, granted, I know it’s far for them. But if they really cared for me and wanted to support me, then that wouldn’t matter, right? It wouldn’t be, “Oh, let me see if I have nothing scheduled and then maybe I’ll go” It’s a sacrifice on their part to come and make room. If they do go, it’s more out of place of burden than from a place of willingness and want. I want them to care for me. I want them to want to go. I don’t want to be a burden or force them to do better or anything like that. I just want to have people in my life that I feel like I can trust with my all. People who I confidently know accept me for my strengths and my weaknesses—my flaws and all. I think people have a certain expectation of me as a to be senior, as a MAST member, as a small group leader to be a certain way and be able to do my job fully and correctly. And that pressure is suffocating because I’m not always doing well. I can’t always be “perfect.” I’m flawed and imperfect and I make mistakes but I want to know that even despite those things, I will still be accepted and received as me. The unique things I have to offer, the areas in which I fall, it’ll all be okay.

And I’m doing my best to start a culture shift in this direction and I think it’s been working pretty well so far and I do think Movement is growing. And I am really glad that it’s headed in the right direction and I do hope it becomes a place where people like Jane always feel welcomed and loved and cared for, even if they arent usually there. 

But I just want to be able to be around people where I can just rest and freely confess everything to and not be judged for it. But to just be cared for and listened to.

But anyway, I’m also really glad and grateful for P. Josh! Amanda, P. Josh, and I talked on Thursday as per usual and it was a very chill day. But I’m really glad. We were really honest with one another and I felt very present in that moment. P. Josh asked us how we had grown, how we’re growing, and how we hope to grow—especially in the context of MAST. He seemed pretty frustrated and distraught but I’m glad he trusted us enough to share his struggles. Not everything but the fact he shared anything was great. It also made me realize how much I don’t want to move onto Catalyst bc they are struggling as a community a lot right now and it seems like theyre getting better but by the time I get there, it still wont have a solid identity. And I don’t want to be put in all the work and effort that I already have to Movement into yet another ministry. I just want to be able to rest. But I guess I’ll have to figure that out and see where my heart is when that time comes. But yeah, he asked us to share about those things and for once, I felt like I could think pretty clearly. I talked about how I’ve gotten better at receiving and understanding what it means to just come as I am and be more present and I’ve been trying to be more intentional and really seeing how God sees His children and loving with the Father’s heart. I confessed that this past year, I usually felt as if I needed to just serve because it’s my job as a part of MAST and even admitted to P. Josh that while I know he says our only expectation is to be discipled as a part of MAST, I told him that I didn’t believe him. I told him that I’m too afraid to let go and do that because I’m worried it won’t be enough. And what he said in response was actually really encouraging. He said that his “secret” is that in being discipled, it’ll be natural for us to disciple others. It’s tough because there is a certain “you should serve” aspect bc of what the Great Commission says but it shouldnt be coming from a place of needing to serve because you feel like you have to because thats how youre defined by. And I don’t remember exactly what he said next but I remember being on the verge of tears and feeling incredibly touched. Just at how much faith and trust he has in me and because I felt as though he was saying these things from seeing me as me. It’s been a rough year but I’m here. I made it. And I only wish him the same.

I wish there was more I could say to encourage him or be a better friend. I wish i knew all the answers but I don’t. But I am just really thankful for who he is.

Thank you for blessing me with so much wonderful people, God.

I am eternally grateful.

I pray all of this in your Son’s Holy Name,

Amen.

[idkitshiro]

Mar.11 ,2017  2:23 pm

as im trying to looking forward, a part of me is whispering failure.. can I make something, something beautiful, something inspiring, encouraging? to spread a heartfelt smile on somebody’s face, reassuring whoever is behind their computer screen there is reason, no matter how stupid or small it is, to laugh or smile. I want to remind people how video games are really meant to be played, what creates the pro environment and  competition in the first place, showing them how to have fun with their video games, showing them how to enjoy spending their free time so that its at least not wasted. If I can leave at least one thing to take away and let people know they feel reassured, loved, supported, not alone then all the time I put into the videos im making have been worth my time.  Acts of kindness, sportsmanship good cheer. Make them feel like holy crap this makes me want to play this game

Here i go as I just write down whatever im thinking about:

some of the funnest games I really enjoyed playing as a kid: Super Smash bros melee: at first had all my favorite characters from different games EVER , kirby, pikachu, mario, all these nintendo characters like Link, Fire emblem’s marth and roy, so much variety Pokemon: such a fun adventure, not having much access to the internet , the world was magical, every corner was a new surprise. There were random Pokeballs on the floor, instances where your in game rival would show up and challenge you to a battle with his own unique pokemon.  the pokemon I had felt unique, the team I had felt special and I bonded with these pokemon. I didnt have in mind what my friends or any one else who also played the video game what strategies or pokemon they thought were good and were their own personal favorite. The competition element fair and exciting because there weren’t many popular guides or communities and forums that people were aware of. Internet spoiled the fun because it exposed many of the surprises and secrets of the game. It almost was as if there was a person sitting next to me telling me how they already beat the game, caught all 150 pokemon telling me which pokemon were trash and not worth my time, the perfect IVs and proper way of how to make the strongest team possible. Though they may be right it totally killed my joy for the game, stripping of the surprise and wonder element video games used to hold as this now apple is to almost every other video game. and altho the right answer is to not focus and compare my self to the people surrounding me its like someone standing right behind me saying video games are FAKE, WASTE OF TIME. So spending my free time trying to  Man people need to pay less attention to how others are spending their time playing video games. MANNN you’re winning if you’re enjoying your time having fun whether kicking ass, accomplishing a hard puzzle or challenge, discover something rare on your own again i guess thats added to your personal merit, get a good laugh, listening to good music, reminds you of something important to you whether its through story telling and the music, whether its learning more about experiences and other people around you. Theres so much video games could teach you, what you could learn from. like many other hobbies or people like to do on their spare time, video games are another outlet of creating happy memories, memories that could be shared with the people we love. I find my self exploring all these different video games to try and remember why I fell in love with video games when I was a lot younger. What made it so exciting and fun, and when I let something else rob me of that joy. I remember when I was in elementary school my brother and I had our own Gameboy Colors. I had purple one given from my Auntie and my brother had a neon Green gameboy color that was given from our grandpa’s brother, i guess granduncle. Both of us had our seperate Pokemon version where Pokemon Red was my first video game ever and my brother had Pokemon Yellow.  anyways my mom would only allow us to play for an hour or two a day and I just remember my sister wanting to play pokemon too and so I let her play mine, and althouhg i wasnt playing I really enjoyed watching them just play. I felt so happy that we were all able to play together even if I was just watching my brother thumb through his starting Pokemon team in Saffron city. Idk why thats so vivid. We had to share alot things growing up, rooms, 1 hour turns on the computer, hand me down clothes, Gamecube turns. i remember i bought a tv plugin game which was star wars/ spongebob that didnt need a console. it had 5 games in it , but crowding around the small tv in me and my brothers room playing video games together.. i miss that so much. i just wanted us to get along and have fun. 

god i always hear people saying that their entire life they were losers and the bullied kid, but did they ever have a fanny pack with 100 calorie Special K bars on 1,000 diet imitating their favorite Taijustus specialist? (Rock Lee Image) I used to be obssesed with my eating only 1,000 calories a day because I was pretty chunky in middle school. One time in PE we had to do our quarterly mile run and I remember always dreading these big days. Every week we had to run around the track for 20 minutes, no walking, and see how many laps you could run in that time. We were graded on how many laps we could run, 6 laps was  D , 7 Laps was a C , 8 Laps was a B, 9 and more was an A. I dreaded every single week for these 20 minute runs, but I celebrated super heavily after it we were done. I was always super nervous and anxious thinking about these days because I always forced myself to do my absolute best. I hated the thought of competing with the people next to me. I used to run 10 laps and my best being 11 laps, which I thought was insanely good. The fastest was I think 12 or 13 laps but they werent in my class. I suppose I felt proud of what I accomplished, my classmates thought I was fast. I would wear shorts everyday in middle school. In 4th and 5th grade I used to run 3 miles every day in the summer with my grandpa and sometimes my sister  because I came home one day from a a Dr.’s Checkup saying that my cholesterol was pretty high. Seperate from my school’s 5k I only entered one 5k run with my grandpa who did the 7k run. I felt horrible because I was just overweight and I didnt find myself that attractive. God, especially when your older brother was more handsome had abs and biceps since 5th grade.  ashjdkasld yeah this is where my self esteem issues come from, but anyways, I was complimented on my  buldgy calves. They were pretty big, for a big boy like my self. I remember one time when runnign the 20 minute run I always thought about falling over and getting hurt so I didnt have to run, mentally I wanted to just stop myself from pushing my body. ashdbjnka My best mile time was 5:37 by the way. When it was raining and they made us stay inside our school’s gym, playing dodgeball. I WAS SO HAPPY. I would pray that it would rain enough so that the track would be too wet where we all the PE classes would have to walk around the basketball quarts and then the other  half o the class would have to play basketball. I WAS ALWAYS SUPER EXCITED. Those were the best days regular days of school. of course not more exciting than Game days, honor-roll Bingo , or field trips of course AHAHA One time I brought I red chocolate balls that I got from people standing in front of safeway that were wrapped neatly in this plastic bag. I gave some to my friends before we ran, thinking wow we could be just like Choji and his ration pellets. Jesus. It was just concentrated choclate balls of sugar.   -- It was pretty good tho. Middle school was awesome. I did whatever I wanted no matter how uncool people thought it was. I thought that just doing what I loved was the coolest thing ever. I used to read the Shonen Jump manga magazines and I was reading the YugiOh Gx weekly chapter and Jesus H. christ it looked so fun. The next day I talked to my friend who was fanatic about Yugioh and he helped me create a deck. The next two years FUHHHH our whole friend group was playing yugioh. It felt like some anime, going home editing decks, dueling in my friends garage drinking cans of Dr. Pepper and honey Twisted BBQ chips. Playing some Halo 3 and Pokemon Stadium 2 on the side. IT WAS SO FUN. When we would have a party in class or potluck I’d get 4 cups of Pepsi, Plateful of Doritos , Lays and Hot cheetos and my friends and I would whip out our decks. Living the life. At the time the Wii , xbox 360 and itouch were very popular. I didnt have a smart phone til the end of my high school and wasnt until my freshman year in high school that I bought my own prepaid phone and minutes and texting plans. anyways the only console my brother and sister i had was teh game cube so these consoles were treasures whenever I would go over to my friends house after school. there was also this one time in middle school where our homeroom teacher allowed 4 people from our AVID class, and at the time I thought AVID students were the smartest collection of indivuals in our school, to go around campus picking up recyables such as cans and bottles so we could sell and add to our class field trip fundraiser. At first our teacher assigned us only 10 minutes and expected us to comeback. 10 minutes of missing class was amazing. My group of friends and I felt so free, so powerful, passing the doors of other classrooms and students, walking where we shouldnt be. And when we would comeback she would reward us with homemade cookies. HOLY, our teacher was so kind. I cant remember if this was a daily thing, but we did this each time we had class. But every time we would come back deliberatly a little later. From intially 10 minutes we started coming back 15 minutes later, then 20. And I kid you not we started going out “recycling” for the entire class period which was about 50 minutes. IT WAS AMAZING. And we may had been in middle school, but we werent dumb. We were AVID students. Advancement via indpendent determination. We were the futures most brightest, up and coming. So we were thinking if we could somehow find more cans and bottles to fill up our garbage bags itd be more than enough reason to explain why we were coming back later than we were orginally suppose to. So initally we would invite ourselves to other classrooms tell the teacher ‘we’re reclying, dw , were supposed to be here’ and go through their blue bins and take whatever cans and bottles we can add it to our bags. Then we started looking at the larger reclye bins in the shcools court yard and just take all the bottles in their. Realistically it took no more than 5 minutes to fill a garbage bag filled with cans and bottles, but we would spend the rest of our vacation racing each other on our school’s track and kick each other on the school’s monkey bars. Jesus. it was so fun. my life feels pretty defeated right now, so I just wanted to share with