#i need to stop going back and screen recording bits bc its taking like 3 times longer to watch lol but I CANT RESIST

[kazuichikazuichi]

watching the sdr2 stage play and ASHFDGB i love gundham so much he's so dramatic and the chiaki interaction awww she's so cute

[felassan]

Gamers For Groceries 2 event

A Twitch stream event from a few days ago. It can currently be re-watched here (it was fun & interesting, so I do recommend to check it out direct). This post contains some notes on things of particular interest & relevant timestamps, in case this is useful to anyone (for example bc of accessibility reasons).

First up is the All About Animating panel, a series of mini-interviews with game devs (animators) asking what they do, how they got there, and advice for anyone interested in getting into the industry. Some or all of the devs that were interviewed are currently working on DA4. They talked a bit about their day-to-day work and a lot about the craft of game dev animation in general. This segment runs from timestamp ~38 mins 40 secs to 1:07:50. Some notes:

[sounded like DA4] Right now the creature team are working on different creatures in a way which involves going through a lot of mocap data

At BioWare they have a pretty big technical animation team, to support their animators, so each tech animator has a different specialty. Tech anim involves animation support, character art support, and rigging the characters so that the animators can pose them

[not sure if re: DA4 work specifically, another project or a general comment on the craft] One of the featured animators’ area of specialty at the moment is faces and hair (building the control structure for face animations). First they had to decide how the face rig and its control structure would work. This involves a lot of performance capture of live actors for things like cinematics and gameplay animation, therefore the rigs for bodies and faces have to be able to accurately capture the full range of expressions and emotions that the actor is portraying. Right now the stage that this dev is working on most is setting up the heads that they’re getting through the pipeline from character art e.g. making adjustments based on feedback from the cinematics team. “Polish - just trying to get realism”

Hair tech has come quite a long way in the last few years [in the industry]

[not sure if re: DA4 work specifically, another project or a general comment on the craft] Hair is very complex to get right. “In the past most games have used card-based hair, which is basically like sheets of polygons with a texture on it that looks like hair, through layers of transparency. But real hair is strand-based, digital strands, so we’re starting to look into that kind of tech - try to get more realistic, more beautiful hair, but there’s always a performance cost to hair. Layers of transparent things are always an expense, they need to balance like, it looks good and moves well, but it doesn’t make your computer or console chug. [...] I guess we’re in the prototype stage but we’ve almost got a set pipeline. It’s always fun to experiment”

In Mass Effect 2 or 3, Miranda’s hair was as expensive as a whole character (!)

[on balancing hair costs/performance, general] It depends on things like character importance and how many characters are on-screen at the time. When you’re in gameplay fighting a bunch of monsters you’re not going to be giving full beautiful hair to all the characters and the monsters, as it will cost too much. (Having a helmet on is a convenient way to get rid of hair.) But if it’s a cinematic scene, with 2 characters talking to each other in a dramatic context, there’s a better budget for nice hair allocated

Some of the hair in Anthem was quite expensive in cinematics. They kept getting bugs from QA saying (for example) that a character’s hair was tripling the performance cost in the scene, so it would go back to character art so they could take away some of the hair cards. “Tough balance, quality versus cost”

“I wish all the characters could have beautiful strand hair”

For p-cap, a lot of the time they don’t want to be too prescriptive in terms of the direction that they’re giving the actors, as the actors know what they’re doing and have a lot of experience, so they give them vague instructions that they then riff off of

[sounded like DA4] They recently did a mocap shoot

[sounded like DA4] There’s a bit more productivity happening now in the pandemic situation; now that the animators are not all going to the capture lab in Vancouver in person for shoots, if it’s not their turn to direct a shot they can instead be working on something else on their computers (multi-tasking). ((Lead DA4 Producer Scylla Costa recently gave a talk at a games festival on the challenges of DA production during the pandemic. In part of this talk he talked about various benefits and drawbacks to the remote-working situation. He also talked about and showed some behind-the-scenes stuff for p-cap and mocap. Notes, images and link here))

[sounded like DA4] Special mocap suits were sent out that they can use with a laptop to go anywhere and shoot motion capture. It’s not as high fidelity as what comes out of the capture lab, but it’s really good for prototyping stuff. Before the pandemic they did some of this (going to a park and shooting some running around)

[sounded like DA4] In one of the shoots they had some actors who were really well-trained in dancing. They were trying to get them to do some combat stuff. This was a bit challenging in the pandemic situation as there’s only so much they can demonstrate/portray as an example to the actors from a distance on camera. “It’s hard to describe what a ‘dodge to attack’ is through the camera to somebody who has no idea what combat looks like in video games”

[not sure if re: DA4 work specifically, another project or a general comment on the craft] The pandemic has really affected performance capture for the face side of things badly, as in order to record, the actor gets dots painted on their face in specific locations by a makeup artist. They can’t do that right now because of social distancing/restrictions, so they haven’t been recording faces at the moment

The more detailed a face, the more joints it has, the more the cost to performance is

---

There was also the Writers’ Block panel, featuring DA writers Mary Kirby, Sheryl Chee and Patrick Weekes, and DA editor Karin Weekes. The timestamps for this segment are ~2:37:50 - 3:26:20. Some notes:

PW has never been weirder than when they were writing Cole on DAI

PW thinks that they accidentally wrote part of “Timber” by Kesha into Solas at one point and they were like “Well, okay, I have to stop listening to Kesha”

For Sheryl, after a while Blackwall’s VA always nailed doing his lines. She loved the quality of his voice and so after a while would always hear his voice while she was writing. This really worked out

^ Mary had this with Merrill. As soon as they cast Eve Myles she listened to several hours of her in Torchwood, and then just wrote to the way that she spoke as much as possible

^ PW had this with GDL as Solas and FPJ as Bull. As soon as they heard FPJ’s delivery, they were like “Oh, okay, I have to write some lines differently, because Bull is smarter than I realized”. With GDL they were like “Okay, he’s going to put poetry into anything I say, in the best way possible”. In early drafts of Solas lines there were parts where they [PW] wondered “Is this too melodramatic? Is this too tragically-angstful?” and then they would hear GDL and be like “Oh! [It’s fine] Game on!”

For localization, German words are often quite long so they often have to make sure that everything fits on the GUI

They think scenes like the romance scenes sound prettier in the Italian versions

Behind the curtain in creating the in-world languages: PW: “There are some awesome websites that have every elven word, like ‘Here are the translations and verb tenses and conjugations’ [etc], [...] and usually Mary and I get very sad slightly looking at those pages going like ‘Does that mean that we have to stick to that?’ [...] The rule is, if I’ve looked at the Wiki and the words, and I go ‘Here’s the correct grammatical way to do it’, and if that turns out to be too long or too many disconnected syllables and it just looks bad or sounds bad, then we shorten it to something simpler, because the key is we want to give the flavor of a foreign language, but we don’t have the world-building budget and capacity to make something that is going to be dictionary-real [in a way that] someone could go through and translate all the background things written on the old temple walls”. Part of the reason for this is the consideration for VAs, who already have to act while bearing lots of things in mind, like the cues in the script for each line

Mary: “For building a language, the first things that I started with for qunlat, elven and dwarven, was what words do we need to use the most? Greetings, farewells, words for friend and enemy, basic things that will come up easily in conversation. After that it’s ‘How difficult is this for other writers to use?’ Can they just pick it off the Wiki? Do they need just one word? Do they need to write whole sentences, and how does that work? Qunlat has almost no grammar to it because asking anyone to learn how to use Qunari grammar and conjugate verbs in a pretend language is impossible, and then once you’ve done that a human being has to be able to read it, while not knowing what any of it means”

PW: “One thing that I was really impressed with with Mary in particular doing, Mary was one of the big lore people across the entire DA series; I can look at a word and go like, ‘That has two A’s in a row, that’s definitely a Qunari word. That word is kind of long and maybe has some apostrophes and has a couple of flowy vowel sounds, that’s probably elven’, I think that’s what’s important. You want players to be able to look at a word, players want to feel smart, [like] ‘Oh I don’t know what that means but I totally know that’s a word from the Qunari people!’”. Mary: “Every language has its own set of phonemes, the sounds that they make, and the sort of word structure and spelling so that it gives a flavor to that language. Hopefully that is always chosen to be pronounceable, because again, very important that the words can be said by human beings :D”

Sheryl: “One of the fun things to do is to make up swear words in the fake languages [...] Recently Brianne wanted a word, I don’t know if she managed to find one”

The origin of bosh’tet in ME: it’s just saying “bastard” and slurring it

PW: “I feel like there are times when past writers kind of leave traps for future writers, where past writers will go ‘Okay, I’m going to write this detailed phrase in a codex entry but don’t worry, it doesn’t matter if it can never be said aloud, because it’ll never have to be voiced!’ and then, next game, guess what guys! Look what you have to make someone [a VA] say! And you’re like [facepalm], c’mon!”

Karin: “Now, four games in, we have pages and pages of all these examples, and I wanna say this, well that’s how we said something before, well that’s ridiculous, I don’t wanna say that, but now we’ve said it and it’s out there, so it’s like, how do we, y’know, how do we evolve, and sometimes we just go ‘Screw it! Languages are living languages! We’ll just say it like this now!’”

PW's favorite is the sarcastic Mythal’enaste, “Because it’s the sarcastic Mythal's blessing that basically means you’re getting screwed over somehow. I love it because Mythal nasty! Whoever wrote that clearly never thought that someone would have to say this out loud”

Sheryl wrote Bull’s joke icicles line. She also wrote Isabela’s big boats line - Jennifer took it out but then DG was like “No it has to come back”

They have a pun test, they get a few of them and have to allot them wisely so as not to oversaturate on the puns. “Is this good/bad enough to be one of the times that we pull the trigger? We did have one of those recently, I obviously can’t talk about it, but it was pronounced Okay to go ahead”

The ‘baby-est’ writer is Brianne, who’s been there 8 years

It makes PW sad that the players never get to see the writers’ temp-text [placeholder text when portions are a WIP]. “People have the best temp-text". Mary: “The number of conversations that I’ve temped in like ‘WELL. I hope nothing BAD happens HERE’”

Q. If you could bring in anybody from outside of gamedev, who would you like to work with and do a writer’s session with? PW: “I will say romance novelist Nora Roberts, she is really smart and also she knows how to write inside a genre, and do wonders within it. Her structure is so good. If you pick up one of her books, you know here’s when this is gonna happen, here’s when they’re gonna meet, here’s when this first moment will happen. We’re all experienced and I feel pretty good about that but I really like all of the things she does that way, and also I am a sucker for romance so I would love to bring a romance novelist in and just have them look at our scenes and go ‘Okay here, no, they should pull the tie so that the article of clothing comes open, we need a sense of how warm the skin is here’ - something like that. I’d wanna see what they could do with that”

“Luke writes the best worst lines”

“I’m always impressed with Mary getting away with lines. There are lines that I look at like, wow, you buried that one. [...] The only players who get that line, I feel like they earned it if they went that far into it. [...] And then Varric or Merrill says a ridiculous line in a one-time throwaway”

Karin: “The group dynamic, you’ll see conversations or snippets of a lunch chat or a thing we’ve been joking about and you’ll see it get pulled in, and how all of you [the writers] are able to take a normal kind of thing - as normal as we get as a group anyway - and then turn it into a moment, and use it to further the plot or use it to further a character. It’s just the cleverest thing and it happens in so many different ways. [...] The little snippet of life, then how you crafted it into this very cool thing”

Quartermaster Threnn was written by PW in half a day. “When I was writing Threnn, ‘Okay, this is a good-hearted [person], I was doing a little bit of Steel Magnolias, southern, no-nonsense, but like, blue collar Steel Magnolias’. This is someone accustomed to the ways of the world so she’s going to call a spade a spade. If you come up to her and you’re an elf she doesn’t recognize you and says ‘Buckets are over there’ because she thinks you’re there to clean, [but] ‘Anyone calls you a knife-ear you come to me I’ll take care of it’. It’s problematic but she’s trying - the good-hearted person rooted for the wrong group on every occasion. She was a proud Loghain supporter, she gets really exited if he comes to Skyhold.  That was a fun character for me to write because I had a viewpoint in my mind. I remember someone was like ‘Threnn is really important to me’. And you have to honor that, cause you’re like ‘Cool, it means so much to me that this connected with some part of you’”

---

Also of interest was the Mass Affection panel, in which BioWare devs looked back in over a decade of history to remaster a classic. It featured devs who worked on MELE. The timestamps for this segment are ~3:36:09 - 4:24:37. Some notes:

When the pandemic hit the MELE team were in a relatively awkward spot. They were really entering into what they consider full production and were on-boarding a bunch of teams, as well as training and on-boarding third-party external partner specialized teams worldwide. When the pandemic hit, BioWare and EA were super on top of it. They were tracking it weeks beforehand, getting everyone their computers ready, and getting everything encrypted. When the middle of March 2020 hit they were home rightaway. EA were nothing but supportive throughout the entire thing. They got money every quarter for stuff. It functionally ‘hit’ at 4-6 different times for them as the pandemic occurred in different places throughout the world at different times depending on each country’s response plan (and their external partners were in different countries). “So it was one of those things where it was just like, every day we’d come in like can we still work with this company anymore? Do we need to find someone else? Do we need to pull people in off the other projects at BioWare to fill gaps here and there?”

There was a bug on Virmire at the part when you’re coming into the STG camp. If the Mako had its new boosters on and you came hurtling in really fast, it cut to the cutscene, but the Mako hit a jump and when Ash was like “What do we do now?” the Mako ended up literally flying around in the background sideways and then crashing into the camp

Another bug: when they were re-tuning the guns, the physics force on some of the guns with Hammerhead rounds was so high that when you were fighting some of the Thorian Creepers, you could ragdoll them so hard that you could basically embed them in the roof. They’d be moving so fast that they’d penetrate all the walls with their legs dangling out. It was so easy to do and you could do it to everybody. You could launch a geth halfway across an Uncharted World

Another bug: with Shepard’s casual appearance in ME3, if you didn’t have it set up perfectly correctly it would default to Grunt for some reason. You’d be walking around as Grunt, going on dates as Grunt, and your face would be all scrunched up because it was all mapped to human bones still, so it was just, like, Nightmare Fuel of Grunt

Another bug: in ME2 on Illium when trying to recruit Samara, the Asari enemies just would not stop screaming - regardless of whether they were hit or not, it was endless screaming. Later one of the devs got an audio file of the scream, endless and looped, and now one of the devs has it on their phone and uses it for their morning alarm tone

“Shepard would come up to characters and they’d just be screaming”

---

There was also the Programming Variables panel, talking about what hurdles game programmers face. Some [or all?] of the devs that were part of this panel are currently working on DA4. They talked a bit about their day-to-day work and about the craft of game dev programming in general. The timestamps for this segment are ~ 4:24:46 - 5:06:02.

[source]

[insights/notes from Gamers For Groceries 1]

[☕ found this post or blog interesting or useful? my ko-fi is here if you feel inclined. thank you 🙏]

[himbeaux-on-ice]

Who are your top five NHL teams and why?

Ooooo this is fun! Thanks anon!

Short list:

Habs ❤️🤍💙

Pens 🐧

Canucks 🌈🌊

Caps 🦅

Leafs 🟦🍁🟦 (no really! I know I don’t talk about them much but its true!)

Over-wordy explanations/backstory for my relationship to each of these teams below the cut for those interested!

Montreal Canadiens. My dearly beloved Nana, who half-raised me, is a lifelong diehard Habs fan who grew up listening to their games on the radio and then later as an adult watching them duel with the Leafs on Saturday nights on a black-and-white tv (also a BIG Carey Price stan). Needless to say she rubbed off on me immensely, and I remember saying to myself at some point “well, if that’s Nana’s team, that’s gonna be my team too” and it stuck for life. I also had a friend in middle school who was a RELIGIOUS Habs fan who also worshipped at the altar of Jesus Price in those early 2010’s, so I heard a LOT about all of that every lunch break as he argued with friends who were Pens and Bruins fans lol. We went on the Bell Centre tour during the annual 9th grade French class trip to Quebec, and while I was mostly focused on getting to the gift shop to buy Nana a souvenir, I swear my friend’s eyes were the size of quarters the whole time lmao. (Would LOVE to go back now that I care a lot). Basically the Habs are the closest thing to a local NHL team our region has bc we get their broadcasts (though people choose their own team allegiances for various random personal reasons), and I grew up absorbing through osmosis both the legends of yore and the latest updates on whatever Carey and PK and the lads were up to. (Also I’ve been quietly in love with Price myself since at least the 2014 Olympics lol. My first best fav ❤️) Bottom line the Habs are My Team, the “I’m gonna be here even when it sucks, even when players move on, this is attached to me in a way I can’t quite explain” team that every hockey fan has in their heart. GO HABS GO!

Pittsburgh Penguins. If you were an elementary school kid in Nova Scotia when Sidney Crosby was first released and up through the 2010’s, you had two options: love him, or hate him, but you better accept you’re gonna be hearing about him a LOT. I settled on “vague fondness” and followed Sid from a newspaper-scanning distance and vaguely rooted for him because when he brought the Cup home it felt like we all won. And like I said, lots of passionate Pens fans in my grade school classes to hear from (he’s also the only non-Habs player my Nana likes lol). Then I got into hockey properly last year and learned about Geno beyond just knowing his name, and my chronic affection for large loveable Russians got combined with my longstanding vague “I hope the Penguins win” feelings and my “time to get the full story on the Sidney Crosby’s Penguins narrative I only ever watched from a distance” research, in a manner not unlike the creation of the PowerPuff Girls ([chemical X] etc etc lol) to create a potent adoration for this team that rocketed them to second place in my heart. Also the fandom is just so damn fun and makes such great content, and that definitely feeds my level of engagement with the Pens!! Sometimes, when I want an emotional pick-me-up I watch one of their last 3 championship films just to remember what joy and optimism is — I would love to be present as a real-time fan for another adventure like that. With how much I know about them and how much I care, they’re my #2 for sure. I love those flightless fucks!!

Vancouver Canucks. So I started watching live NHL hockey games last summer around I think game 2 of the Habs’ first round series against the Flyers (I saw Price’s “Miracle Save” on twitter while following along bc I was intrigued by the fact that they made it through the play-ins, and was like “OKAY NOW I GOTTA SEE THIS SHIT LIVE”). That was really fun! Riiiight up until the Habs got eliminated. :/ And I was like “well, shit. I’m enjoying this hockey thing too much to stop now. who else is still around I can root for?” And the Canucks were the last Canadian team still in it, and there was buzz about their miraculous first-round win but also uncertainty I believe Markstrom had *just* got injured. So I started watching, ended up witnessing the Bubble Demko Miracle unfold live, had my heart charmed off me by “whatever the hell those two lil blonde bitches have going on” and a delightful underdog story, and here I am. Hitched to the Canuck wagon whether I enjoy it or not. Here for whatever happens! (Doesn’t hurt that I love me some Elton John too 😉)

Washington Capitals. I’m a person who is more likely to be really engaged with a team that has super interesting personalities, characters, and narratives around it — and my GOD are the Capitals good for that. I absolutely definitely started down this road with that mic’d up video from the 2018 final of Ovi telling Nicke “after me, I give it to you baby!” re: the Cup. Like I can pinpoint that there was a day I saw that for the first time in a gifset, squinted at the screen, said “you’re fucking with me...”, went to youtube, watched it be for reals, and was like “well. now I need to know more about ALL this.” After watching games and learning more about the team, I really enjoy the Caps’ “big dumb found family of stone-cold total weirdos” energy, their fun collective chemistry, their Cup story, etc. And oh BOY the fandom is fun during game lb’s! I love all the in-jokes and player nicknames, our delight with the quirks of our colourful wonderful broadcast crew (shoutout Wine Uncles & Co), the way we cheer for record-breaking milestones like they’re a first NHL goal! Being a fan of the Caps AND the Pens can be a bit awkward sometimes, and the team certainly has its blemishes, but my heart is big enough for two Metro teams for sure, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Toronto Maple Leafs. So like, as you can imagine from my previously described upbringing in Hab Land, “haha Leafs suck” is a punchline I have long been familiar with and trained to recite. I got a solid 3 days of laughter and entertainment out of the whole Zamboni Driver Saga last February, oh boy did I ever. But the thing is.... I have the Leafs to thank for the fact that I watch hockey now. See, the entire reason I started paying proper attention to the playoff bubble last summer was because one day, I happened to see the phrase “WHAT IS HAPPENING” trending at 16k tweets on twitter, and clicked on it like “huh?”. Turns out the Leafs were in the middle of their miraculous 3-minute comeback against Columbus and the country was losing its mind. And when they won, I was like “huh... the Zamboni Team is doing THIS??? I may have to start paying attention to this playoffs thing, because if they go All The Way I think that might be the only thing funnier than the Zamboni Incident”. Aaaaand when they immediately lost the next game and were eliminated I was like “lol, sounds about right” and was then immediately distracted by news of the Habs winning the play-in round. So then I spent several months watching playoffs and forgetting about the Leafs. And then one day in early October, looking on YouTube for more hockey to watch after the playoffs ended, I stumbled across something called a Hat Pick, and boy I actually enjoyed this shouty man’s sense of humour and takes on the game... and then when I ran out of Hat Picks and Dangits I watched some Trade Trees, which pulled back the curtain on the business side of the game... and then I discovered LFR’s, which were good background noise for doing tasks... and then I was recommended the episode of the Steve Dangle Podcast about Mitch Marner and The List... and next thing I knew I was listening to more of this podcast, because I found Steve and the guys to be insightful and funny and there was no hockey to watch, and I was trepidatious about accidentally stumbling into the more toxic corners of hockey fandom if I branched out for other content... and, well. If you spend enough hours listening to people passionately analyze every facet of a team, shout and cheer over a team, make fun of that team, nearly cry over that team... it’s really REALLY hard to not start to care about it. Leafs analysis was basically how I learned most of what I’ve learned about hockey this past year! And kudos to Steve and Adam and Jesse, their passionate investment in the Leafs and great content has got ME invested in the Leafs mainly because I want to see things go well for them. I want Charlie Brown to kick the football! I love a triumph over adversity story! Also, I think if the Leafs did Do The Thing it would basically be the combination of “Cubs win the World Series” and “Raptors are the champs” and I wanna watch the city of Toronto go fully apeshit from a safe distance. I don’t adore many their individual players as much as I do some other teams higher on this list, and I still laugh far too much when things go super comically impossibly badly for them, but I am actually pulling for the Leafs!! I want to see it all pay off for them. I want them to go all the way. Gimme that “LEAFS WIN!!!” (Unless it’s against someone above them on this list lol)

[callioope]

I’ve been vague about what has been going on in my life intentionally, both because I needed to tell some people offline first and because it’s a lot to process. 

But here is what happened: I am in the process of miscarrying.

I thought it might help to share my story. Miscarriage is more common than people realize and rarely talked about. If someone can benefit from my story, all the better, but mostly this is to help my grieving and coping process.

This is pretty detailed, so trigger warnings and all that.

Exactly one month ago, I read the results I had longed for: pregnant.

Today, I’m sprawled out on the couch in the most excruciating pain I’ve ever experienced. 

They don’t tell you that miscarriage is a process.

We’ve been trying to conceive since the end of last June. It was taking so long, I was convinced I’d be scheduling a fertility consultation this coming June. They tell you if you’re under 35, to give it a year. Before we started trying to conceive, I’d tell anyone about how time speeds up the older you get. It makes sense logically, of course, when a year is 1/5 of your life, it sure seems long, but went its 1/32, well... 

But this has been the longest eleven months of my life. The first month we started trying, I had an unusually long cycle. 39 days. I was so sure I was pregnant. My breasts had been hurting for two weeks. Husband and I were vacationing in Minnesota to see Aston Villa play. I bought a pregnancy test, beaming, excited, and was puzzled by the negative result. A week later, when my period came, I cried to my mother, and she said something about the universe saying I wasn’t ready or something. Whatever it was sounded bleak and ominous to my ears. It sounded like it meant I’d never be ready. 

The fall was busy and stressful, and despite all the tedious ovulation test strips, nothing happened except somehow, my period got lighter month by month. I was pretty sure something was wrong with me. I thought I had a UTI. (I was actually stressed and dehydrated, which I eventually remedied.) While I cried at a Sara Bareilles concert in November, my mother told me that her OBGYN said it can take as much at 9 months for the body to recalibrate after being on the pill.

Speaking of which. I’ve been taking the pill for over a decade. For the most part, I took it correctly. There is some leeway to taking it incorrectly, for the record. You can miss two pills in a row and it still has instructions for what to do (while cautioning to be safe and use extra protection). Maybe only once did I ever have to throw out a pack for missing too many in a row. 

(This is maybe neither here nor there, but rebelcaptain accidental pregnancy fics have become a bit of a pet peeve for me. Jyn and Cassian are far too careful and intentional to let that happen, and it is so easy to be responsible since there are so many birth control alternatives these days that don’t even require reliance on routine or memory.)

So, of course, the concern lately is that clearly 10+  years on birth control has messed me up. I do not know this objectively (what I do know is that I have OCD and anxiety and obsess over Everything That Can Go Wrong), but the point is that birth control really can have consequences that I don’t think are necessarily fully understood or studied. DO NOT GET ME WRONG, USE BIRTH CONTROL. My only regret is what I didn’t know.

I learned too late, but a lot of conception advice articles tell you to quit the BC as soon as possible. Even if my mom’s OBGYN is wrong, the general advice does seem to be that it can take up to 3 months for your body to recalibrate. So, if by any chance someone reading this is thinking about conceiving soon, if you take nothing else away from this rant, take this. I wish I had stopped taking the pill a few months before we actually intended to start trying.

After ten months of all this worrying, I finally got what I’d longed for. The moment I saw that positive result, it felt so surreal. There had been little things leading up to that moment, strange hints and signs, like I knew subconsciously even before a test would have been positive. I wrote that Howl’s Moving Castle pregnancy fic before I knew. I started learning “Here Comes the Sun” on my ukulele before I knew (it’s... silly, but I decided I wanted to learn the ukulele because I wanted to be able to play that song for my kids some day). It involves finger picking, so I’d been putting off learning it, but one day I just decided it was time. And finally, I decided to watch the latest season of Brooklyn 99. I’d avoided it because I knew Amy & Jake were also trying to conceive, and it was too emotional for me to watch that when I was so frustrated for how long I was taking. (Of course I didn’t realize they also had trouble, and watching it actually felt cathartic for me.) I got that positive result literally the next morning. 

I spent Monday, April 20, making checklists and spreadsheets. I set my first prenatal appointment for May 8. Those two and a half weeks were the slowest of my life. They stretched out like a rubber band. I couldn’t really focus on anything except this pregnancy I’d waited so long for. That’s probably why time moved so slowly. I wasn’t filling it with the hobbies I enjoyed, writing and playing my ukulele. All my overwhelmed brain could handle was the hilarious distraction of Community. Yeah, this is also around the time I disappeared from fandom. It was originally for a happy reason, I was just too excited to focus!

I know many women who have miscarried. The data seems to vary from source to source, but anywhere between 10% to 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I couldn’t wait to get to the doctor to confirm everything was okay. I wondered if they would do an ultrasound; I dreamed of seeing a fetus on that screen.

We started talking about how we were going to tell our family. We wrote a pretend promotion letter for my sister, promoting her from “sister” to “aunt” (she’s a badass at her job and we had recently been talking about her promotions so it was thematically relevant). We planned to do a video call with my parents where we played Quiplash and created custom answers related to the pregnancy. 

But we never got that chance. On May 8, I went in for my first appointment. I’d spent the last three days sewing a mask because the ones we ordered still haven’t arrived yet. So all the time I would have spent preparing myself for the worst (as is my way) was spent instead distracted by sewing and finishing up Community. 

They took me to an office first and went over medical history questions. “Any morning sickness?” the nurse asked. “Not at all,” I said. “Should I be worried?” “No,” she answered. “Consider yourself lucky!” 

(For the record, many women who carry to term do not ever get morning sickness.)

(It was just one of those unfortunate exchanges.)

Then the exam with the doctor. All in all, it’d probably been 30 or 40 minutes by this point, all of this excited talk. I was going to tell my parents on Mother’s Day. My due date was Christmas.

I video call my husband just in time for the ultrasound. 

There was no embryo. 

The doctor said a lot of women are ovulating later in their cycles due to the stress of the pandemic. At the time, I thought maybe. Hope is funny like that, in the face of logic. It started to grow like a weed in the cracks of my breaking heart. 

But the thing is, even with that stubborn hopeweed, I knew. I’d been doing this for ten months. I knew when my last period was, I knew when I ovulated. I was 7 weeks and 1 day, and there was no embryo, and that was it.

The beginning of the process of miscarriage. 

Technically, it’d started a few days before that appointment, but I was distracted at that time. I’d noticed one morning that there seemed to be more hair in the shower floor than there should be. 

Dots started to connect. My breasts had stopped aching. Now, they started to shrink back to their original size. 

This happened over several days. I felt certain I would miscarry on Mother’s Day; fortunately, that did not happen. No, enough days had to pass for that hopeweed to prosper. Only then, when it whispered maybe would I start spotting and cramping. 

On Tuesday, the second ultrasound confirmed what I already knew. Not viable. Missed miscarriage. Technically, the prescription the doctor hands me reads “missed abortion.” “It’s just the technical term,” the doctor explains, acknowledging that many women might find this triggering. 

I don’t cry as much as I did. I only cry when I tell people. It seems important for people to know, just in case. Just one person in the relevant circles of my life. I had to tell my boss to explain the sudden uptick in unexpected doctor appointments. (I’m Rh negative, so I needed to go to the hospital to get bloodwork and a Rhogam shot -- and being in a hospital these days in anxiety-inducing enough without this trauma.)

It still feels surreal. All of this happened in one month. Somehow my life has changed completely and then reverted back. This is just a blip in my life, relatively, and yet it seems the longest month of my life.

In movies, in stories, miscarriage seems to go the same way: a flash of bloody sheets, a shout of shock and pain, and then grief. I never knew how it really goes: that it would stretch out for weeks, from the moment I saw that first ultrasound to now, twelve days later, just starting to bleed. I’ll have to go back for another ultrasound to confirm it’s done, and if it’s not, then I’ll need surgery. 

This speaks nothing of the grief. 

And then it’s back to square one, a whole year later: ovulation tests and endless waiting. 

It’s been a whole month; it’s been only a month, and miscarriage is a process. 

[unwoundfutureost]

list of professor layton fic recs

here by popular demand, a full list of fics i think everyone should read because they’re really good and i’ve lost litres of tears over them

all of these were hand-picked with care 

mostly one-shots but there are still a lot of multichaps in there... i’m only reccing ao3 fics this time and ff.net has most of the multi-chaptered fics so sorry skjdh

under the cut because i have. a lot 

the ends justify the means by misthalleries

words: 2,066

chapters: 1/1

warnings: grief, parental death, mourning, etc. etc. all the canon stuff just a little more detailed 

it’s a really good one-shot fic that’s just a clive character study and it portrays him really well. like it writes it so that you really relate to him i dunno how to further explain you should read it though

You Can Run by AnonymousPuzzler

words: 8,329

chapters: 1/1

warnings: narrated by bill hawks, who dies at the end

another one-shot that kind of ties together loose ends between unwound future and layton brothers mystery room, explains stuff for alfendi, justin lawson, and more! it’s also just a really smooth and cool plot and seeing bill hawks’ perspective is kinda cool. also not to condone death but bill hawks has ruined a lot of lives so seeing him get kinda ‘what he deserves’ is kinda interesting

green carnations by redmacallan

words: 7,181

chapters: 1/1

warnings: character death (desmond’s husband and daughter)

YES i know i’m ALWAYS going on about this one but it’s seriously so good. it portrays descole’s entire identity crisis thing INCREDIBLY well not to mention Gay Desmond in a typically homophobic period (the fic sets the professor layton universe in the 1960s) and it’s just very realistic and well done and there’s a layton desmond ruinion thats so. augh you can feel their frustration through the screen it’s so great and i’ll never stop talking about this fic thank you

Reuinion Tour by St4re4ter

words: 22,537

chapters: 7/7

warnings: none that i can remember

first multichap fic on this rec list!!! this is basically a ranlay rewrite of professor layton and the miracle mask but it gives randall more character and kind of a motive that makes more. sense??? idk it’s like they kind of added on or did a slight revamp of randall but very well and the added motivations kinda make the story richer and also adhd randall and hershel r heavily implied and there are so many heartbreaking lines in this idk you should read it

Doldrums by TheMockingJ3

words: 1,294

chapters: 1/1

warnings: mention of death brother

it’s canon compliant and nothing gets resolved but that’s part of why i like it??? it’s basically set in randall, hershel, and angela’s high school years and they come across a magazine with desmond on the cover and angela asks hershel if he has any siblings. and there’s so much detail to it and it gets some points across in such a realistic way idk i just like it a lot because it leaves you upset and frustrated but like in a good way.. i like it i like how they portray the characters it’s the very definition of a slice of life 

Taking To The Sky by Yamiyoru

words: 1,364

chapters: 1/1

warnings: none

basically what happens to randall after the events of miracle mask.. it’s very good and there’s a hopeful ending and i don’t want to spoil too much but it’s just randall finding himself basically. there’s implied henry/angela and randall/hershel and overall it’s just a very, idk, content fic. it’s hopeful

ten years by sunfish

words: 504

chapters: 1/1

warnings: none

this is really short but there are so many feelings packed into this baby. first of all the title is kind of a punch to the gut but also its just a very. small compact filled with emotions fic, with flora trying to forgive clive and subtle throwaways to her relationship to the professor and the professor’s disappearance in layton’s mystery journey and the anime. i just had to put this here i like it too much to not put it

A Proper Young Lady and English Gentleman by AzureMist 

words: 1,818

chapters: 1/1

warnings: transphobia

trans flora and hershel fic!!! that’s really all i can say it made me smile and the bit where hershel mentions his two deadnames is kind of gold and both of them vehemently ignoring flora’s father.. idk for me it was just really cool to see the father/daughter trans solidarity dynamic i liked it a lot

Kintsukuroi by Glowbug

words: 13,864

chapters: 11/?

warnings: nightmares, guilt, etc. it’s in the tags

okay i’m actually not that far into this one yet but so far i like it a lot... first of all emmy centric plus emmy redemption arc is really good and how they portray emmy is just :ok_hand: also slight ace attorney crossover as they make a trip to the fey village. synopsis of the story overall is the professor got kidnapped and luke needs emmy’s help to save him it’s really sweet but also i think it’s on a permanent hiatus or at least a really inconsistent update schedule rn because it’s been at 11 chapters for a while now

Spectral by AnaScrawls

words: 15,760

chapters: 7/?

warnings: some violence, i would say canon-typical to azran legacy

this fic made me cry like 90 times it’s. very good. basically the plot is during the events of professor layton and the azran legacy hershel begins to recall hazy days of long past and it really explores the relationship between desmond and hershel before hershel remembered i’m not doing it justice with this awful description i’m writing you should really just read it... it’s still updating i think every four mouths?? half year or so so very slowly but it’s really worth it to read

the girl and the golem by valorskills

words: 5,352

chapters: 3/?

warnings: none as of now i think

generally i don’t recommend shorter fics on permanent hiatus but this one is genuinely pretty good. it follows the story of aurora the golem and desmond’s daughter who’s stuck in targent and their escape and it’s only 5k but i think it’s worth a read bc the au idea behind it is really really cool

“Hershel” by goldenregit

words: 1,948

chapters: 1/1

warnings: none 

it’s exactly what the description says i included this one because it’s a punch in the gut to read esp when you know the full story behind desmond and hershel.. it’s well written too so i recommend checking it out if you’d like a kind of character study of hershel and desmond on their short time aboard the bostonius

Turnabout Brothers by Minmei

words: 51,787

chapters: 10/?

warnings: none probably

i haven’t actually read that far into this one bc when i started it i had not seen azran legacy yet so i didn’t want to spoil myself but from what i’ve read so far it’s pretty good!! you’ve read the title so you can probably tell it’s an ace attorney crossover but basically i think the basic plot is get desmond out of jail idk it sounds interesting so far i think you guys should check it out. it’s also a sequel to Storm’s End (26,379 words, 2/2 chapters) by the same author, which i ALSO haven’t read yet but it’s about desmond reconstructing his life i’m pretty sure it sounds cool so that’s why i’m adding it on this list 

Turnabout Adoption by WrightFamilyAgency (Unicornfoal)

words: 111,458

chapters: 54/54

warnings: (possibly temporary) death of parents, car accident

THIS FIC IS SO GOOD and it’s one of the most popular fics in the professor layton tag so i’m sure a lot of you have probably heard of it... it’s actually a revised edition of the section set in 2019 of Luke and Apollo Wright (962,790 words, 491/491 chapters) by the same author, but i’m linking this version because it’s shorter and i’m reading it rn!!! basically it follows phoenix’s disbarrment years where he’s adopted trucy and he goes out and adopts luke and apollo too! there’s a plot concerning the ‘death’ of luke’s parents and it goes canon-divergent from the rest of ace attorney i think, but it genuinely is very good... there’s clay/apollo/luke friendship and it’s a really cool found family fic and there’s so much attention to details (the author made a court record for almost every chapter and a luke’s journal entry to go with, and luke writes letters back to the prof and vice versa and aaaa it’s just really nice). anyway yall read this pls

you’ve made it to the end!!! i’m not putting any ff.net fic recs in this list yet because i’m still exploring it for good ones!!!! i might make a second list soon containing ff fics but for now it’s only ao3... also, if these aren’t enough and you want more, dm me!!! i’ll be sure to find something for you :ok_hand: p.s. if the formatting of this post is too hard to read lmk too and i’ll fix it up

[annashipper]

JT Anon

Anna:  JT sent me a very ranty submission in reply to this ask (LINK), so I’m including the ask herein for easy reference:

Nonny:   if they did go home together they could both have used the back door, no? why the pap op? to help publicize kubrick event, perhaps? also, she might have stayed in nyc because she has friends to see and didn’t need to rush back two days after met gala. we don’t know whether whole family, including nanny, didn’t come to nyc cause we didn’t see anyone, including BC, arrive at JFK. so it’s possible they all arrived together and left separately. details.

JT Anon:  but nonny this is the problem, we ALWAYS have to think of some excuse as to why ben is travelling alone, and surely they must have just arrived together (or left together). the fact of the matter is, ben went on record to say that if he is EVER away form the kids for more than a day or two, he has the entire family w him. full stop. that is what he said. and yet immediately after he said that we have not seen him travelling w his kids once. not once. in fact we’ve never seen ben and sophie complete a trip together since she gave ‘birth’. its always only on one end. also between you and me, the idea that these two have to have a nanny w them 24/7 because they can’t simply parent their kids w out other adults is hellah sad to me. i know they would be going to events etc, but still.

maybe thats why BC doesn’t have any anecdotes about his kids, he doesn’t actually spend any time w them at all. he is constantly farming them off to other people

personally, while im w anna in that i think the majority of enty stuff is pr fed, if i were to believe that the kids were real and living w him, then i believe enty when he says ben is just simply lying. mainly because only a pretty nasty guy would drag his tiny newborn infants onto multiple flights into different time zones, only to ditch them w the help and not parent them on said flights

I also agree w enty that he is lying about having his kids w him everywhere because we just haven’t seen it. it just simply doesn’t make sense that a man would go to all the trouble to hire very expensive 24/7 hour help (because, again, who wants to be left alone w their kids? not ben. not sophe. if what ben says is true, these two are not hands on parents. we have a lot of proof of that) only to arrive and leave w them sep every single time. i mean, what sort of man disrupts his kids like that so he can feel like he is being a god father, all the while not even bothering to sit w them on a plane? like if ben cant even get on and off a plane w his kids…

in this case, the simplest ex is likely the truth. he is lying. we have photographic evidence of bens travels, and since saying he is never w out them, we have actually never seen him w them.

if you believe that the kids are real, and that ben is not such a horrid parent that he immediately leaves the plane, ignoring his kids and walking off in front of cameras for pap shots, leaving either w a nanny or both sophie and a nanny to struggle w the kids (out the door w no paps? if he is private, and the kids have found a way in and out of the airport w out paps…why don’t they all do that…since they don’t want attention)

this brings us back to those little calendars of travel we have of ben. assuming the kids are real, ben has left his kids for literally MONTHS. months. If you add up all the weeks he took off, its been MONTHS he has left his kids, from the min they were born. he has left his kids for months, because i do not believe he has had them w him (and ben, if you drag kids through an airport now its not going to convince me). we have proof he lied and doesn’t take them w him.

If I were to believe the kids were real, then at this point i would think that all of that talk about finding his love and finally rocking his babies in his arms were stories for branding purposes. (i happen to think they were, however i always assumed there was some mild truth to it and they just hammered it to make him likeable to his female fan base, that the topic didn’t actually loom that large in his head) and because he branded himself as being desperate for love and babies, when sophie turned up preg, likely not by him, he had to double down on it. plus i also think he saw attention and big ass dollar signs. i think he and his team know that sophie causes this little discussion, and they are very happy to keep her around, and seen exactly the way she is to cont this steady stream of attention and eyeballs on his articles and pics that have her just off to the side. then not, then to the side again.  

hence the stories that he travels w his kids when we can see he does not

hence the stories that he rushes to give them a bath every night when we can see him away from home at at events were that isn’t possible.

hence all the other anecdotes from him about kids that are impossibilities and lies

if i were to believe the kids were real, i would believe that he is not a hands on father. that he does not spend much time, if any at all, w his kids. that he has round the clock care raising them. that he isn’t that interested in being a parent, and his stories are just keeping up w previous branding that was also untrue.

I personally always thought that pining for love and a family thing was for branding for his female fanbase, and if his kids and marriage are real, then i tend to believe it was less true and more branding  than i had originally thought

I think this is why so many of the nans have to tangle and pin red string onto dates and locations when seeing ben travelling alone and not out w his kids and saying things about kids that make no sense. they bought the pining for love and a kid thing hook, line and sinker. they thought it was the absolute truth. it never occurred to them that bens team took “yeah , sure id like a wife and kids one day” and turned it into “Ben weeping out of loneliness wants nothing more than to find his soulmate and rock his babies it consumes his heart!” because the response from his fan base was positive.  Because they bought this story and didn’t for one second think anything about bens personality was tweaked and manufactured, they can’t entertain the idea that now, now that he has found his heart (he TOLD them he lovedher! He SAID we HAVE to love her too!!!) and has kids, that his behaviour wouldn’t match whatever fairy tale they have in their heads.

they cannot accept that ben leaves his kids for weeks on end, so there MUST be some convoluted story of sophie CONSTANTLY staying behind w a nanny to visit friends when they are in NYC. They have to CONSTANTLY have the nanny w them 24/7 because there is no other way to explain them being in these places and not having their kids. They MUST only be out when they are seen, because they have to explain why he would bring his kids to NYC, only to leave them every night and every day to shop and eat.

I dont know what they’ve come up w to explain the fact that ben has now had 2 or 3 children and has not a single story about parenting that makes sense.

if you believe the kids are real, then the reality is this is not a man who spends time w his kids. his stories suggest he doesn’t even know them frankly. his stories about them make absolutely no sense. anyone who has done a daily routine w kids from ages birth to 8 knows that what he says makes no sense, and there are very specific things he has not said that he could absolutely say w out it being some invasion of privacy

I think nans just don’t want to accept that ben is not a loving hands on father. he doesn’t spend that much time w his kids. he would rather go work and party and vacation and socialise. he is perfectly happy to leave his kids w hired help constantly. he is perfectly happy to go on constant vacations and leave his kids. he isn’t all that interested in being w them during the day.

I think they also don’t want to accept that, like thousands of celebs before them, he sees these kids as a money making opportunity. that doesn’t mean he is forcing them to perform, but he can monetise them, and he has. he has tried to sell their pictures, he is using these silly stories for clicks, he hires paps. he has branded them into his image to make cash, while not spending much time w them

its actually not that hard to believe, it would be what makes the most sense in this situation. ben has kids he doesn’t really care for, isn’t’ interested in parenting. he has the cash to throw at people so he isn’t responsible for them, and he monetises them in as many ways possible to at least get some cash money out of this situation

its only people who believe the branded intimacy that have to spin in circles to make this not that. people who bought the idea that out of all the celebs on earth, he was not branded. they really super duper know him for real. they can tell he is totes genuine, he would never lie to them, he really does love his fans on some intimate level (how on earth?).

admitting that ben is a liar, that he does call the paps, that he does monetise his personal life, that he does brand his kids, that he isn’t the family man he says he is would be to admit that they were wrong about having some sort of understanding about a public figure that is more intimate than is actually possible. they would have to admit that, just like thousands of fans before them, they were suckered into not only thinking HE was special, but THEY are too.

and now before anyone gets on our cases and starts spitting on their computer screen as they shout “BIT RICH FOR YOU GUYS WHO ARE OBSESSED WITH HIM AND HIS FAMILY!!!!!!” There is a difference. We simply happen to take what he is saying and think its nor true and that he lies.We work w what we see.

Having said that, there ARE people who are skeptical of this whole thing who DO take it too far and think they they have some sort of connection w ben. The only broad thing I will say about that is, when discussing ANY public figure, if someone truly does believe that there are somehow secret messages being conveyed from said public figure, either from clothing choices, word choices, gestures, and that those secret messages have special meanings for that person because there is some sort of understanding between them and the public figure, despite no actual contact, i would HIGHLY encourage people not to engage w this person. don’t’ make fun of them, don’t’ attempt to talk them out of their thought process, it won’t work. just cut off communication about said public figure

sorry, this was a long one anna!

J travels w her dogs and actually leaves the aiport w them T anon

Anna:  I cosign 99.9% of what JT had to say above.  Especially these two parts:

the fact of the matter is, ben went on record to say that if he is EVER away form the kids for more than a day or two, he has the entire family w him. full stop. that is what he said. and yet immediately after he said that we have not seen him travelling w his kids once. not once. in fact we’ve never seen ben and sophie complete a trip together since she gave ‘birth’. . . . ben has now had 2 or 3 children and has not a single story about parenting that makes sense.

[auburnfamilynews]

Hello friends and welcome back to the Theater of Pain, Auburn Football Theater 2020. Last week, we had some fun and watched the 1996 Independence Bowl between the Tigers and Army as we hit the half way mark of the countdown. This week though, we get back to the DEEP HURTING as we dive back in to games that make no since and often remembered with an OOF or UGH or I remember getting really drunk after that game. Some will argue that this week’s selection should be flipped with the 2015 Jacksonville State game and after doing a rewatch, those people are probably right. So, if you are of that camp, read this writeup, then re-read the Army write up, then re-read the Jacksonville State game, and you are happy…or insane…not sure exactly which one, but hey, that would be you! This week, we revisit the 2011 season for the Auburn Tigers as they welcome home the fans for the first game after the magical 2010 season…this is Utah State vs Auburn from 2011.

THE PREGAME

As mentioned before, Auburn had just won the National Title and was still basking in its warm glow. Cammy Cam had taken off for the NFL, along with Darvin Adams, Nick Fairley and most of the offensive line so to say that Auburn was looking to rebuild would be an understatement. Utah State was led by Gary Anderson who was breaking in a true Freshman quarterback from the Houston area named Chuckie Keeton who would take the reigns and run with them on offense and on defense were spearheaded by senior linebacker Bobby Wagner. Utah State had been a pesky team to some but had never beaten a Top 25 team away from home and had only won 1 game against a ranked opponent in 55 tries so Auburn looked to be safe as they kicked off the season…OR WERE THEY.

THE GAME

The bourbon of choice for this one is Mitcher’s Small Batch, for those keeping score at home.

So far on the countdown we have seen a lot of…winners…in the press box *COUGH* ROD GILMORE *COUGH* MARK JONES *COUGH* but there is one who has been absent for the most part. She make her only countdown appearance today

AND WITH FORMER OREGON COACH MIKE BELLOTTI no less. How mean is it for ESPN to send the coach that just lost the national title to the team that beat them’s opening game? While I am not a fan of Beth’s tenor and cadence, she calls a pretty good game, so don’t expect much in the way of that grating on me.

Kickoff happens with Utah State getting the ball first. Both teams begin the feeling out process and trade 3 and outs to start the season. Utah state with it for their second drive as they begin from the 36. They would have the ball for 3 plays and on that 3rd play

Yeah…that’s a quiet JHS right there, and just like that its 7-0 Aggies.

Auburn would get it and, in 3 plays, would answer right back.

Mmmm, that Emory Blake acceleration. And after 12 offensive plays, its 7-7 as we should settle in for a track meet apparently.

Well, I spoke too soon, Utah state gets it from their 20 and begins a march, however it looks like the defense has then hemmed in on a 3rd and 20.

That doesn’t bode well. The Aggies would get it inside the 5 but would be cut just short on 4th down and they will kick the FG right?

It might be a long day at the stadium friends. With the 4th down conversion, it’s a 14-7 USU lead.

Auburn would then get it from their own 27 before punting it away after 3 plays and Utah State would begin a drive that actually made me check to make sure it wasn’t the one from before. I say this because, this happened.

And it was followed by this

The only way I was sure that it wasn’t the same drive was because the first one was 15 plays and the second one was 16…So Utah State now has a commanding lead over Auburn at 21-7. What Auburn has to do on this next drive is methodically work down the field and give that defense a rest because they’ve been on the field for 31 of the last 34 plays without a true res…

DAMN IT TRE! The guys just put on the oxygen masks! But it’s a score and Auburn definitely needed that! So now its 21-14 and it doesn’t feel so bad, as long as Utah State don’t have an 18 play drive to respond.

Luckily, it’s a quick 3 and out and the Tigers get it back at their own 36. After 7 plays and running down the clock as much as they can, they punt down to the Utah State 2 and the half comes to an end with USU leading Auburn 21-14 and it’s time for another pour of bourbon. Taking a look at the stats from the first half, Auburn had a total of 16 offensive plays…16. And somehow they are only down by 7.

Auburn will get the ball to start the second half and will get nice field position from the 25. I really nice drive followed that used 11 plays and was capped with a big 3rd down play from the MVP of the BCS title game…if you guys didn’t know that.

That Dyer run put things back at level and it’s a brand new ball game.

Utah State would follow up with a 7 play drive that picked up 17 yards before they gave it back to Auburn at the 12, where the Tigers would look to build on their previous drive.

So a punt followed.

The Aggies would get it back at the Auburn 45 and hit it big with a huge 33 yard pass play from Keeton that set them up for a field goal attempt.

That made it 24-21 Aggies as the crowd at JH started to get a touch restless.

Auburn would get it from the 28 on the kick and would reach in to their bag of tricks to wake up the offense.

Huge play to get it in to USU territory, and Trotter would look to build on to it the very next play

Not sure I’ve ever seen the snap go right through the Quarterback’s hands like that. In all seriousness though, he would make up for it on the play after that.

BROKE YOUR DAMN ANKLES SON!!! WOOOOOOOOO! Legends say that dude’s jock is still on the 5 yard line.

So after the ambulance came out and help that poor child, it was Auburn’s lead 28-24. Take a moment to enjoy this, cause not much good happens for the rest of the game…till the end of course.

Utah State would get the kick from the 20 (after it went through the freaking uprights) and would do that thing where they have a sustained drive and Auburn can’t stop them until.

Until they reach the endzone, at least then Auburn gets the ball back. So Utah State breaks back out on top 31-28

Auburn would get the ball at their own 34 and look to answer.

So a punt was the next play.

Utah State would take it from their own 35 and look to work the clock and get the score to put this one way.

They would get deep in to Auburn territory and face a 4th down field goal attempt to go up 6 on the Tigers.

Oh those tricky tricky Aggies….

As you can probably guess, this was 2 plays later.

And now its starting to feel real bad, with just over 3 and a half to play, Auburn is now down 10.

The Tigers would get it from their own 35 and have a nice drive that would be capped in a fitting way.

No Lutzy dance but that’s cause there is still work to do. So Auburn is back with in 3, that’s the good news. The bad news is that there are only 2 minutes left and the Tigers only have 1 time out to go. So that means its time for uat’s second favorite play, only behind a Field Goal attempt, the onside kick!

Ok, let’s real talk here. How is it a dead ball if you recover an onside kick? If you have the chance to run with it, take off! Either way, Auburn would get the ball from the Utah State 44 and would get to work. After 7 plays, the Tigers had worked inside the Aggie 5. Play 8 would push them ahead.

30 seconds to go and Auburn is on top 42-38

Utah State would get 3 plays out of the clock but would be stopped on a screen play at the final gun and Auburn held on for a 42-38 victory to start the 2011 campaign.

THE AFTERGLOW

Following this Auburn would fall out of the top 25 but would beat a ranked Mississippi State team the following week before dropping a road game to Clemson. If you want a deep dive on the 2011 season, click over to the South Carolina game and I hit up the rest of that season.

For Utah State, they would have a rougher go of it, as they entered November with a 2-5 record but rallied to win out till their bowl game, a 1 point loss to Ohio in the Humanitarian Bowl, to finish with a 7-6 record.

That’s it for this week’s look back at one of the more forgettable games in Auburn history. Next week we begin with the Top 3 and a game I can honestly say, I remember watching a little bit of, but I had to go to bed because it was past my bed time (I don’t know why I had a bedtime on a Saturday night but I vividly remember it), so this will be my first true watch of next week’s game. Until till then, stay safe and please bring back football…even if its hard to watch.

from College and Magnolia - All Posts https://www.collegeandmagnolia.com/2020/5/4/21245856/aft2020-4-2011-utah-state

[houseofdemi-blog]

Playing with Fire - 08 [Finale]

Summary: After breaking up with you, you decide the only way to get back at your -now ex-boyfriend and avoid public humilliation is by making a deal with resident bad boy Min Yoongi: you’ll give him money as long as he pretends to be your new boy.

Genre: Romance.

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Rating: Mature  (BITCH READ IT IM NOT SPOILING ANYTHING THIS TIME)

Length: 3.3k

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 -  Part 7 - Part 8 [Finale]

A/N: wowowo so its finally here i decided to end this on part 08 bc 8 is my lucky number so anyways thank you so much for enjoying this as much as i enjoyed writing it and for your lovely messages im so emo now i need a moment BY THE WAY someone had the amazing idea of creating a playlist with songs inspired by the story so id love for you guys to send me which songs you think fit the fic?? id appreciate that a lot :)

Yoongi's eyes focused on the fan on the cieling. Staring, but not looking. Beer bottles surrounding his unmade bed; clothes scattered all over the floor; the TV's screen, pitch black. The window is closed. So is his door. The blinds are not entirely down. There are a few rays of afternoon to evening providing him with light. Enough light to keep staring at the cieling. A cigarette dangling from between his index and middle fingers. A lighter resting on his sheets, right next to his head. Ashes falling on the carpet, right on top of a small plastic bag of weed. Smoke filling the air as it filles his lungs. Blinding his vision, blinding his brain cells. The fan kept moving. Slowly. Too slowly. He didn't remember it being that slow. His eyes tried to keep up with the blades but they're too slow. He didn't remember them being that slow.

He heard his phone's ringtone in the distance.

He doesn't bother to pick it up. He hasn't picked up his phone since the moment you stopped picking up yours.

'Bro, what's up? How're you doing?'

He would snort if he could. If he had the energy to fake a laugh, to fake a smile. But his face hadn't left the scowl that appeared on it the morning he woke up to not find you beside him anymore. And that was exactly twenty nine days, eleven hours, thirty two minutes and fifteen, sixteen, seventeen.... seconds. But who was counting?

'You haven't left your apartment in almost two weeks, man.'

Of course he hadn't. He did leave his apartment the following two weeks after you started hiding from him. Because that's exactly what you were doing. And he knew you were hiding from him because those first two weeks he had been calling you, messaging you, he had been showing up at the places you and your friends -and you two together, for Christ's sake- always hung out at and -ignoring your neighbors' judgemental looks and the high possibility of your mum feeding his body to a Rottweiler- he had shown up at your doorstep, only to leave a couple minutes before when you hadn't answered the door.

'We just don't even know what's wrong with you. You should be happy that bitch disappeared.'

He should. He really should. He should be happy he didn't have to go to any of your friend's snobby parties. He should be happy he didn't have to pick you up from school everyday. He should be happy you were out of his apartment and his life.

Because at the end of the day, he knew this would happen. You both did. He knew the moment to approached him with such a stupid idea, the finale would be both of you going your separate ways. That's what your imaginary contract had said.

But he missed keeping an arm around you while a bunch of preppy kids threw daggers at him. He missed you greeting him with a -too enthusiastic, too feigned- kiss after saying goodbye to your classmates. He missed your legs on his lap, he missed the scent of your hair on his pillow and the way your body curled up to his in your sleep.

And, fuck it if he was crazy, but he was sure you had fallen for him as much as he had fallen for you. He knew it stopped being pretend the moment his lips met yours.

'You need to do something, Suga. You can't keep isolating yourself.'

Taking a long and last drag from his cigarette, he dropped the butt on the floor. He closed his eyes and held the smoke for a while, enjoying the burning feeling in his chest. It was better and way more enjoyable than that fucking knot in his stomach.

Yoongi read the paragraph all over again. His eyes read every word, analyzed every letter, every coma, while his head filled with questions and his chest filled with anger. His rough hands scrambled the paper at the sides. He hadn't realized his grip was so tight until his knuckes turned white. His jaw was clenched and his breathing was heavy.

He had opened his mail box three days later, closed the door to his apartment and sat on the couch skimming through bills to pay when he had come across a letter that definitely had nothing to do with his rent.

Un-fucking-believable.

It was the only way he could describe what he was feeling.

Standing up and grabbing his jacket and car keys, he had left his apartment again.

Yoongi walked through the café door, paper in hand. His eyes spotted her in the distance, laughing, talking, without a care in the world, and his boot claded feet immediately started making their way to her table in long and noisy strides. His hand almost smashed on the table, startling the group of people around her, who stopped the conversation to stare at him.

“Where is she?” his voice was low and menacing, but it was not shaky, it was not out of place. It was calm, steady, determined to get an answer.

Wendy gulped, knowing very well who he was referring to and knowing very well the look on his face said he was not there to play any games.“Yoongi, she doesn't want to talk to-”

“I don't give a shit if she doesn't want to talk to me. I want to talk to her and you're going to tell me where I can find her.” he said through gritted teeth. One of the boys- probably younger than Yoongi, wearing much expensive clothes than Yoongi and sporting a hairstyle that must have cost more than anything Yoongi could afford- stood up, ready to confront him. Wendy looked at him reassurangly, and he sat back down the moment Yoongi pierced him with his black orbs.

Wendy looked at him again, sighing. “She's in her house. I'm suppossed to meet up there in an hour or so because she wasn't feeling like hanging out.”

He didn’t need to hear anymore. He was practically out of the door the moment her first words left her mouth.

He was knocking at your front door faster than he had thought he would. It took you a while to answer, but when you finally did, you wish you hadn't.

The moment you saw him, you tried to close the door out of instinct, out of fear. He was faster though, his foot stepped between the door and him and  he placed the palm of his hand solidly on the door, keeping you from smashing it in his face.

Yoongi,being stronger than you -or maybe just not as tired as you were- pushed it open once again and rushed inside before you could even protest.

Your stomach couldn't help tightening when he passed next to you and his scent hit you. The same scent you had tried so hard to forget was also the same scent you had tried to remember. You had no other option but to finally close the door, not moving your hands from the handle after you did so. The thought of inevitably facing Yoongi was making you feel dizzy and sick, especially now that he was less than five feet away from you.

You turned around and was met with his dark eyes staring right at you and you took the time to admire him after a month.

He hadn't changed one bit, of course. His hair was the same pale blonde, almost white color. Almost as milky as his skin. His eyes were smudged with black eyeliner and ire and the bags under them confirmed he might have had the same amount of sleep as you. His lips, probably the most colorful thing about him, were still the same shade of pink, were still as plump and irresistibly kisseable as you remembered.

You folded your arms over your chest. To keep yourself from reaching out to him? A pathetic attempt at trying to steady their shakiness? Or maybe a pathetic attempt at trying to protect yourself?

His chest moved rapidly and his voice sounded rough when he spoke, raising the paper in his hand.  “What the fuck is this?”

Your eyes flickered to it for a second before they settled on his again. “I don't know. What the fuck is that?”

“Stop playing games, _____.”

“I'm not playing games. I don't know what that is.” you held your head high and didn't back down from his glare.

His tongue toyed with the inside of his cheek and he dropped his hand with an incredulous expresson on his face. “Ok, let me read it out to you to refresh your mind. Here I go.” he cleared his throat with a smile that held no humor at all. “'Dear Mr. Min. We were sent your tape last week, blah blah blah, we apologize for taking so long to reply to your email, blah blah blah, but we would be more than delighted to have a meeting to discuss a possible record deal and blah blah blah.'”

You gulped through an almost entirely closed off throat when he looked at you again with raised eyebrows, waiting for an explanation. You opened your mouth to speak but closed it again, not being able to find a decent excuse. But pride still held your head up high.

“That's awesome. You're going to pursue your dream. Congratulations. But I don't know what that has to do with me. So I think you should lea-”

“You think I don't know you sent my demo tape to a music producer?” his words stopped you right away and made your heart skip a beat. He could see it in the way your whole body tensed up and the way your breathing hitched. “You think I don't know you took my USB drive?”

“W-what?” you stuttered through an uneasy tone.

“You think I didn't see you putting it inside the pocket of your jacket that night?”

If you felt sick before, now you felt the whole room spinning.

“Did you you really think this would make me want to distance myself from you? Because it didn’t work.”

The lump in your throat burned when you swallowed and his stare was pinning you completely without letting you move. He must have sensed that and he seemed to show a little mercy when he looked away, finally letting you breath as he placed the hand holding the letter on his hip and brushed his hair back with his free one, huffing exhaustadly.

“Why didn't you say anything?” you managed to say. You almost winced at how vulnerable you sounded.

“Because that's how fucking crazy I am about you!” the sudden desperation in his raised voice made you jump slightly when his words hit you. He inhaled and probably counted to ten in his head, trying to calm himself. “I didn’t know why you took it and I didn’t care. I would have let you throw it into a garbage can. I would let you to anything as long as that meant keeping you by my side. And if keeping you by my side meant giving up my music, well...” he closed his eyes and you wondered if he was as close to crying as you were. “And then you left. Without saying goodbye. And you've been avoiding me for a month. And here I am again. What does that make me? A masochist? A low self-steemed moron?”

“Yoongi-” he cut you off again.

“I love you.” everything went still. “I'm absolutely, completely, one hundred percent in love with you.” He made his way towards you slowly but surely, almost hesitant, watching your reaction. Watching your eyes filling up tears that started to blur your vision. Yet you didn't look away. You couldn't even if you wanted to. “And I know you feel the same way I do. And you cannot tell me what we had-... have, is not real.”

“Why didn't you say anything before either?” your voice trembled as his hands rested on either side of your head on the wall behind you.

“Because I'm an insecure piece of shit?” his voice didn't hold a pinch of anger anymore. It was low, delicate, gentle. One of his hands left the wall and collected a tear that had slipped from the corner of your eye. “Every time you let me touch you, every time you let me kiss you, every time you let me undress... All I could think about was how much you deserved, and how little I could give you.” he caressed your cheek until it cupped your jaw. “You deserve someone who makes love to you in a five star hotel, not someone who fucks you on the hood of their car while it's raining.”

Your heart clenched and you raised your hand to place it on top of his.

“I don't care about any of that.” you licked your lips, tasting the saltiness of your own tears. “I just want to be with you.”

You almost you couldn't finish your sentence before his lips were on yours and, God, how much you had missed them.

He tasted of self-doubt. Of teardrops at midnight. Of empty bedsheets and lingered scents. He tasted of short-lived memories. Of songs on the radio and feet propped on a car's dashboard. He tasted of mint. Of coffee that only worsened sleepless nights. He tasted of worry as well as determination. He tasted of hopefulness and new beginnings.

It didn't take him too long to pull you closer by your waist and it didn't take you too long to pull him closer by his neck. It didn't take him long to lift you up and make you wrap your legs around his waist before disappearing up the staris.

He didn't need indications or any words. He knew exactly where your room was and where in your bed to place you.

He pulled back to admire you and your hair all over your pillow, rosy cheeks and bruised lips. You smiled at him. You had already stopped crying but tears were already threatning to pour again if he didn't put his lips on yours again soon.

He pulled his shirt off and your hands were glued to his skin almost instantly. He was always cold, but he was warm now and you were begging to feel him closer. His teeth grazed the skin of your neck. It reminded you of your last night with him.

Your hands slipped to his jeans, desperate to free him and to free yourself. He got the message. He got rid of your clothes as well, dropping them somewhere. Who cared.

Your tongues moved against each other as if they were old friends enthusiastically running into each other for the first time in years, except it had only been a month.

“I've missed this so much.” he mumbled against your mouth and you moaned in response when his fingers found your core, already drenched. “I've missed you so much.”

You cried his name when he inserted one of his fingers with ease inside of you.

“Have you touched yourself after that night?” you heard him in the distance but you couldn't mutter a word. Not when his finger was fucking you and his thumb was moving in circles over your clit. “Answer me.” his gruff voice, the curling of his fingers and the sudden roughness of his touch made you gasp in pleausre.

“Y-yes.” you breathed. His lips wrapped around your breast, his tongue worked around your areola and his teeth bit your nipple in punishment. That only made you cry his name once more and pull at his hair.

“You’re still a bad girl, huh?” The hand not inside of you travelled down until it was gripping your thigh, hooking it over his hip. A loud smack filled the room and a the beginning of a red mark printed on your buttlock.

“Yoongi, I need you.”

That was enough to make him pull his hand from between your thighs and replace it with the tip of his cock, already throbbing and fully erected. He teased at your entrance, watching your face twist in agony. You looked up at him and muttered a 'Please' that convinced him to push inside of you.

You both moaned in delight and he stayed like that for a moment, closed eyes with his forehead against yours and his breathing fanning against your lips. You studied his features before leaning up to meet his mouth. He wasted no time in kissing you back and started to move his hips. Slowly at first, but picking up his speed until they were slapping furiously against yours.

He was usually quiet, too focused on pleasuring you. But this time, the small ‘Ah's’ and hissed noises that left his mouth were too beautifully melodic and all you could do was appreciate the way his face contorted in bliss.

“I love you.” you said. His eyes shot open and locked with yours, looking for a confirmation. “I love you.” you repeated. Then, his hands gripped both your thighs and pushed them open, allowing him to thrust into you in an angle that almost made you pray.

“I love you.” Yoongi said. His lips attacked your neck, leaving bruises along the way while he pounded in and out of you. Sweat ran down his back and your hands tried to bring him closer to you as he brought you closer to the edge.

He kept leaving 'I love you's' on your flesh until you finally climaxed, clencling around him and making him reach his peak as well. He didn't move out of you and you were glad he didn't because you didn't want to let go.

You fell asleep with his arms around your body, his chest against your back, his breathing behind your neck and the shape of his lips on your shoulder.

You woke up at around two in the morning, muscles too sore to move. Body too tired to fully respond to anything. But also too cold to ignore.And that's when you realized Yoongi wasn't beside you to keep you warm. Your stomach twisted right away and you sat up to find out that, in fact, he wasn't there anymore.

He couldn't have left, right?

Your eyes moved frantically around the room and you sighed in relief when you realized that, no, his jeans weren't on the floor anymore, but his shirt was still over your frame. And that's when you spotted him.

He was sitting on a chair outside your balcony, smoke coming out of his mouth and a cigarette between his fingers as he seemed too enticed by the night to realize you had woken up.

You smiled.

Then you pulled the covers from your body and walked quietly towards him. He didn't flinch when you wrapped your arms around him from behind or when you leaned down to place a kiss on his cheek and nuzzled your face between his neck and his shoulder.

“It's late. Go back to sleep.” he ordened sternly, but you could hear the small smile on his face. You shook your head no, your nose caressing his skin, never getting tired of his scent filling your nostrils.

“I can't. I was cold.” you murmured before cirling around him and positioning yourself in front of him. He motioned you to sit on his lap and you did so. “I thought you left.”

“Well, you're still wearing my shirt. I'm not really into walking around naked at 2 a.m.” the playfulness in his voice made you kiss him and he kissed back.

He engulfed you in his arms after throwing the butt of his cigarette away. Then he made his way to your bed. He made love to you again, both sure it wasn’t the first nor last time and you were alright.

Everything was alright.