#i promise i have been doing stuff... i am just a little crazy perfectionist about everything but im realizing that's not good for me HAHA

[judgedarts]

i've been in the process of making these yugi and yami yugi coin pouches for the past couple months! they have a little keychain for you to take them on the go too 🥺❤️ they're not finalized yet, but i just wanted to share! i'd like to make the other characters and finalize the pricing before opening preorders, so please look forward to seeing them soon! also here's another idea.. a larger plush ita bag!

[tired-biscuit]

i've just seen your posts on dash biscuit and its so sad you're feeling like that :( If i'm to tell you the honest truth biscuit, I don't remember how I found your account but i remember being so intrigued and hooked immediately - I went on to read your War General Kiba (to somewhat expose myself.. I am War General Kiba anon from around a month ago) bc your writing itched my brain so fuckin good !!

It makes me so sad that uni started recently for me and I have been so caught up I haven't gotten around to reblogging war general kiba because I haven't gotten the moment to write my thoughts regarding those:( they're sitting in my drafts. I decided I would read every single one of your fics a month ago (unfortunately I haven't been able to yet) - including the naruto thirst you elaborated on for me, and though I haven't gotten time to read it, THANK YOU SO MUCH BISCUIT for taking your time out to do that :( <3

You deserve every single one of those likes , but you deserve them alongside an equal amount of reblogs :/ i sincerely hope that these followers and whatnot pull their heads out of their ass and start reblogging - because if they don't, they're not going to have anything to read. bc biscuit you are such an amazing and talented writer, and it always blows my mind we get to read your masterpieces for free. FOR FREE!!!! that is so crazy like, this is stuff that could get you MILLIONS and we have the blessing from you to type a few words onto our screens and read it! like WOW thank you so much <3 🍁 anon

oh my gosh, you’re so sweet; imma start sobbing!

listen, you don’t have to apologize for not being able to read my fics; i get it, life happens and we get busy as people and fanfiction definitely is NOT everything there is to life! so please don’t say sorry for that because there is literally no need for it, like i said. YOU’RE GOOD!

it just grinds my gears that i’m not allowed to vent on here about this particular topic because some people will INSTANTLY jump the wagon to call me ungrateful. i get it, i get notes, but people usually don’t understand that likes don’t mean shit on here and that the majority of those notes are just that: likes. sure, i get a little notif that someone liked my story, but i have no clue what they thought about it based from that heart. i have no clue if they’ve even actually read it. to make matters even worse, it makes the post just straight up fucking die.

i spend hours and hours and hours writing, editing, rereading, tweaking the same story for ages. i could just not post it and keep it to myself, sure, but i enjoy interacting with my moots and my followers in general, and giving people that share my interest in the same characters something to read about, because let’s be real; kiba is niche af. i like feeding the kiba girlies because i barely had anything to eat a couple years back when it comes to him and i’ve worked my fucking ass off for those notes over the years, SO OF COURSE I APPRECIATE THEM, OK?

this debate, or whatever you wanna call it, has been circling around here for ages and it’s useless at this point, i think... writers, artists, creators of all sorts say “please say thank you for my creation that i made for YOU after you’ve asked, i beg” and people call us ungrateful or stuck up or whatever the fuck. i mean, do people seriously think i enjoy self-reblogging all the time and begging for interaction like that robin hood meme with the cup???????? no, i do it because it is the only way people will see my work before it disappears into the ether once again, ffs!!!!!!!!

ANYWAYS, i will write a drabble for your war general!kiba ask when i have the time, i promise! i just want to actually make it good and write like a proper story instead of just my thoughts because he is very dear to me and i am a perfectionist when it comes to my royalty AU and it makes me overthink and just… yeah! he has been sitting in the back of my head, clanking his heavy weapons impatiently, lmao.

I LOVE YOU!

[theringers]

often - charles leclerc

summary: you’re unbelievably desperate for your boyfriend all night.

request: Hope u dont mind me requesting #79 and #82 w charles or lando😃 have a good day!!

prompt: 79) "Look at you, grinding against everything, you're really desperate for it. Aren't you?" 82) "Yeah, that's it, baby, just like that."

a/n: this is short & unedited so i apologize for the lack of “story” but this just came to my brain and i needed to write it down so enjoy also sorry if the gif is malfunctioning i’m ready to throw my phone at the window so just ignore lol

warnings: nsfw, dirty talk, 18+, teasing, obvi i had to include some public stuff bc it’s my brand

The live music was loud and blaring through your ears. You had requested a few songs and enjoyed drinks while you waited for the band to get to your request.

Charles stood up from the table to head towards the crowded bar. “Need anything, mon amour?” He looked at you.

You lifted your cup and smiled. “Another?” He nodded at you and walked towards the corner of the room. He knew you had a tolerance like no other and could outdrink him on any occasion. It was just humorous to him at this point.

“Are you excited for your trip?” Your friend asked from across the table.

“Oh, so excited. Charles and I haven’t been able to get away for a long time. It’s much needed.” You sat in your bar stool day dreaming about the blue waters of the Caribbean Sea and how you were about to spend weeks out there on the relaxing water.

Your friend took another sip of her drink. “I’m insanely jealous. Too bad Pierre and I can’t tag along.” She frowned.

“Next time, I promise. We’ll plan a trip just the four of us.” You both started laughing. “Or better yet, just the two of us. Girls trip.”

After a few more laughs, Charles walked up to your table with a drink in each hand. Pierre followed with the same. “Thank you,” you smiled at your boyfriend as he handed you another. You couldn’t remember how many this had been but you were feeling good and really enjoying yourself.

You sat all the way back in your barstool, but kept your drink at the table. This was the best possible solution to avoid drinking too quickly. Every time you needed a sip, you had to scoot yourself closer to the table, take a sip, and sit back. It was working pretty well.

Charles leaned over and spoke in your ear over the sound of the loud music. “I’m going to need you to stop doing that.”

You looked at him, confused. “What am I doing?”

He waved his hand around. “This.” He leaned in closer again. “You keep rocking your hips back and forth and it’s driving me crazy.”

You sat up and moved yourself closer to the table, rocking your hips at a painfully slow, yet discreet, pace. Your eyes found his and his focus was solely on you, sipping the remains of your drink.

“Anyone want another drink?” You asked the table as you hopped out of your seat.

“I’m good, I think I’m ready to head home soon actually. Pretty long day,” Charles said.

Your friend scoffed. “Nonsense, it’s only 11 o’clock.”

Charles looked at her with his head hung, then back at you. “Fine. One more drink.” He looked at Pierre. “See, this is what we have to deal with.”

You waited in the line for drinks and returned to your table. As soon as you scooted back in your barstool, Charles leaned over. “This is our last round of drinks. I’m going to need to take you home after this one.” You didn’t look over at him. You just kept your eyes straight ahead and smiled.

After more casual conversation with Pierre and his girlfriend, Charles called the car home. He took your hand and lead you out of the bar after leaving a hefty tip for the bartender.

Sliding into the back seat of the car, he acknowledged the driver and then went silent. You followed in after him, sliding across the seats. Your short sundress rode up creating friction between your clit and the car seats. You let out a soft moan, but ignored it, hoping no one else heard you. That was not the case.

The car started to move and Charles leaned over to you. He rested his hand on your thigh and whispered in your ear. “I heard that.” It sent chills up your spine.

The rest of the ride was silent, trying to focus on getting home without jumping each other’s bones in the backseat of the car. As soon as you arrived home, you both drunkenly stumbled in the door.

You shouted at Alexa to play some of your favorite music. Often by The Weeknd came out of your speakers.

Charles sat down on the couch with his hands on his knees. A deep breath escaped his lips as he took in the dark apartment around him.

“What’s up?” You asked, walking over to him.

“Long day,” he said. You nodded in response.

Leaning down towards him, you spread your legs to straddle him on the couch. You sat back with your weight on his knees, looking at him. “I love you,” you said to him.

“I love you too, mon amour,” he said. You felt his hands grip your waist. You began to slowly shift your hips around - starting with back and forth, and a little bit of side to side.

“I had a really fun time tonight,” you said.

“Me too, I’m glad we decided to go out.”

“It’s always a good time with them.” You were lucky enough to play matchmaker for Pierre, setting him up with your best friend. It was a win-win. He got a beautiful girlfriend and in return, you got to have your best friend accompany you on vacations, to races, PR events, galas, the whole nine. It was a smart move on your part.

You looked down at Charles, focusing on his messy hair. He was always such a perfectionist about how he appeared, but that all went down the drain when he drank alcohol. You kind of loved it, seeing him let loose a bit and not care so much. You ran your fingers through his messy locks and smiled.

“That dress looks so sexy on you,” he said. His eyes absorbed your body all over and his hands began to move up and down your sides.

“I knew you would like it.” You started to move your hips with more intensity.

“You want to tell me about what happened in the car?” He asked.

“I think you know what happened in the car.”

He had a smug look on his face. “I don’t, actually. Enlighten me.”

“Well, since you want to play dumb,” you grabbed one of his hands off of your side and guided it under your dress. “I’m not wearing any underwear. And I forgot I wasn’t until I slid in the car.” His fingers massaged the skin of your inner thigh.

“That’s hot.” He dipped a finger between your folds and felt the wetness pooling. He swirled his finger around a few times before sliding it inside of you. You moved your hips slowly, meeting his finger. “Look at you, grinding against everything. You’re so desperate for me, huh?” He smirked. You rolled your eyes at him but continued to move your hips. “You couldn’t even help yourself at the bar tonight. Or in the car.”

“I just couldn’t stop thinking about fucking you,” you said. You leaned down to unbutton his pants, grinding your body against his thigh in the process. You let out a moan and he just watched you in awe.

You pulled his pants down, his hard cock springing free. You got back on top of him and hiked your dress up above your hips. You positioned yourself on top of his cock and started to slide back and forth, creating euphoric friction for both of you. Your folds were wet and warm, making him grunt. “Shit, baby,” he said. His head fell back against the couch as he guided your hips. “I need to be inside of you, now.”

You pulled away and quickly sat down on his cock. He kept his hands positioned on your hips as you ground them onto him. You wrapped your arms around his neck and let your head fall onto his shoulder.

You put the weight on your knees and began to bounce up and down on him. He placed his hands on your ass for support. “Oh yeah, that’s it baby,” he said. “Just like that.” A throaty moan escaped your lips right into his ear.

“You feel so good,” you said. The rhythm continued and he spread your cheeks. He was itching to pound into you but he loved the way you looked bouncing on his cock.

He reached for the strap of your dress, pulling it down to expose your breasts. He took one in his hand and massaged it roughly. “Shit, babe. Look at you riding my cock like such a good girl.” He wasn’t one to talk dirty too much, but with alcohol involved he was an open book.

“I’m all yours, baby,” you said, leaning back. You ran your hands through your hair while riding him and made eye contact with him - driving him crazy.

You could feel him start to thrust up into you, an indication that he was getting close. You leaned back down to his ear. “Cum for me, baby,” you said.

He finished with a grunt and a tight grip on your hips. You rolled off of him and laid your head down on a pillow. After all that alcohol, the couch was seeming like a perfect place to crash.

Charles returned with a towel and a glass of water for you. “You did so well, baby. That was hot.” He said, smiling at you and handing you the glass of water.

You giggled and stuck your tongue out. “You’re welcome.”

[aliypop]

To The One Before

word count:  1,697

Warning: Mentions of panic attack

A/N : Heres a bit of backstory to my character I hope you guys Enjoy it!

"Family isn't who you're born with: it's who you'd die for."   Alexandra Morgan was 13 when she first heard that phrase from her best friend, Ray Stantz, "My family is like a tornado, Ray..." she sighed, taking a bite of Ray's Hershey bar. Ray knew what it was like to have parents who were perfectionists, after all: he was the product of a housewife and a doctor. "One day, I'm going to leave that house, and I'll never come back!" she laughed standing, on top of the hood. 

 "You don't mean that do you?"

"With my whole heart..." she smiled, sitting back down with him. Ray smiled back, saddened by the fact that she would say such a thing. "But what about me.. And.. and our ghost club!" he asked as Alexandra kept ranting on about her plan to leave home. 

"I couldn't forget my best friend." she took him by the hand and squeezed it,

 "Beside's, who's gonna protect you from Carl.." her thick glasses-covered eyes looked at him, 

"Well, promise me this, Alexandra..." he handed her a stay puft marshmallow. "That we'll always be friends even in college." 

"Why college?" she examined the marshmallow poking at the sugary treat. "Because... why not!"

"No talking to boys or looking at them, and if you do- " Dennis, Alexandra's, father was as nervous as most dads were when dropping their daughters off to college, but he wasn't as nervous as her mother, 

" If you get homesick, you can always call, and you know we're only 45 minutes away, and I got you one of those calculator things and!" 

"JEAN, you're scaring the girl! Dennis sighed, "What we're trying to say is strive for perfection ... anything less and.." 

"You'll pull me right out of this science jazz..." she sighed: ever since Alexandra had been little, her father never understood her passion for physics and doing experiments. He always knew that women got their brains from the pantry, not books, but Alexandra was different. When most girls played with easy bake ovens, she made nuclear reactors using antennas from their old tv set and jumper cables. Her inspiration came from some kid in Ohio who made one using chicken dung. "That's my girl... and remember.." 

"No boys," she sighed pushing, her glasses up, "As if any will ever like me.." she sassed. 

"That's not true, sweetheart," Jean said, lifting her daughter's chin. 

"Mother, must I remind you I went to prom with Ray!"

"And you two were a lovely pair." 

 Alexandra sat in her dorm, isolated from the rest of the world, which was how she liked it. A book in her hand and a pencil in another, she was ready to finish the first semester of work. As she listened to the radio, she began singing along with the Jackson 5. Ray, however, was wandering around with his new best friend, Peter Venkman, a Missouri native with the charm of a con man. Both Ray and Peter had been walking by the dorms in which the two had been talking about Atlantis. 

"It was just my imagination, running away with me. " a voice sang as the two were slowly approaching the women's dormitory.

  "Alexandra..." Ray gasped, running towards the sound of her voice. 

"Ray?!" she poked her head out from the door: as she saw the two men standing there, she couldn't take her eyes off of "This is Peter Venkman he's my.." 

"Friend replacing me already, aren't cha." she joked as she invited the two inside. There had already been notes on her wall as well as books on her floor. "I see you got busy..." Peter remarked, looking at the way her eyes sparkled through her glasses and how her lips curled. "Didn't class just start.." he thought to himself as Ray read behind her theories of time travel. 

" Because I know you didn't mean that in an innocuous way, I'll respond with Yes," she turned to look at him as her heart nearly skipped a beat, 

"Nerd much?" Peter whispered as Ray turned around in shock, he knew that that was a phrase that Alex never enjoyed hearing.

"I prefer to say an intellectual, but perhaps you wouldn't understand." she scoffed. "I beg to differ."Peter walked towards Alexandra, as he got closer towards her,

 "You're just a know it all.." he smirked, "Or a narcissist .." he said in a whisper, looking down at her lips. Alexandra laughed, noticing how close they were. She had never in her life been this close to anyone, especially a man such as Venkman. 

 "My father warned me to stay away from boys, you know.." 

" Well, I don't see your old man around..." he pulled her close to him as the heat from her face radiated fog from her glasses.

 " I'll pick you up, say 8 pm." 

"Should I bring my books?" 

"Sure, but I doubt you'll need them." he winked. 

As years passed and Ray and Peter grew closer as friends, so did Alexandra and Peter. It was a cold New York December morning, and sitting by the window wearing one of Peters shirts was Alexandra. Hot tears streamed down her face as she held her term papers in hand. In all her academic life, she had never gotten a D: her world was crumbling, "Hey, it's three in the morning.." Peter then looked at the half-empty bottle of brandy that he and Ray usually would split. 

"Do I need to wake Ray..."  

Alexandra shook her head, unresponsive to his question. "Wanna tell me about it.." he then asked, sitting in front of her. "I'm going to fail.." she repeated in heavy breaths, her hands nearly pulling at her thick curls. Peter had semi-studied this behavior before but to see it happen in person terrified him. "Breathe." he held her hand, Alexandra nodded, as she only breathed faster, nearly hyperventilating. "That's not what I meant, but breathing is breathing..." he mumbled. As the sun began to shine, the two were eating pizza and talking about their families. 

 "Try having a father who is not even proud about his son going to college. 

"Try being a music prodigy by age six and science prodigy at 9." she laughed, "I have so many expectations set on me and..." she looked at Peter, who gave her a look she knew too well. Peter, although now a part of the parapsychology world he still was great in psychology. "You did it again.." 

"I don't know what you mean.." he smirked. 

"Oh, I could just!" she stood up, falling into his arms. "Kiss me.." he suggested, kissing her lips ever so sweetly. There were days when Peter was a gentleman, sweet and caring, but there were days when Alexandra would throw curses his way and wish she'd never see him again, days where she'd cry in Ray's arms, and all he could say was " Peter didn't mean it this time did he..." he asked watching her stuff her face with pizza and ice cream. "We broke up again.." she cried, "Because I got offered to teach at the university.."  

"That's good!" Ray smiled, "I mean, it's what you've always wanted, right?" he then stopped talking. It was true that Alexandra wanted to teach quantum physics and engineering, but to see Peter move on so fast when she told him the news only made it worse. 

 As time went on and Alexandra had gotten adjusted to her new life as a professor, her date life only sunk worse. 

"Alright, class, I'm Dr. Morgan today we'll be talking about the theory of Relativity.." Alexandra turned towards her class in which she heard the protest of groans. The year was 1984, Alexandra: was 31 years old and living in Manhattan. " I assume you took Dr. Spengler's theory class, or else you wouldn't be in mine." she glared at a few students over her glasses. To say that Alexandra's quantum physics and engineering classes were easy was an understatement.

 From her labs to her assignments, there was nothing easy about her not since, "Can I help you, Dr. Venkman.." she glared at him, nearly wanting to set him on fire. "Just looking for a few students who'd want to do a few paid experiments," he smirked. When paid was involved, it meant Venkman rather than the students. "Make it quick, Venkman.. " she rolled her eyes. As her lecture progressed, she noticed a pair of eyes staring at her, they were stern, a bit cynical, and they were listening to her rant about the theory of being in a paradox. 

"So if you were to see yourself uh.. " she kept looking at him as her mind went blank, and her heart nearly pounding. "You could ruin the structure of the world." the voice in the back responded.

Sitting at her desk as her students left, Alexandra took it upon herself to stay behind and work on her UPC or more so known as an ecto camera. As she heard heavy footsteps run past her classroom, she knew that it was

 " Ray?" 

"We got one!" he shouted, ushering her to follow him.

"Is it a 1 or 5?" she asked him, following him around to their lab. 

"She wasn't very friendly..." 

"So a five it i-" she stood in front of their door, watching as the dean removed their gear from their lab space. "Well, that's unfortunate ..." she whispered under her breath, looking up at the man who was in her class earlier. 

"What am I supposed to tell my mother.." he mumbled. 

"What are we going to do now!" 

" I say drill a hole through Peter's head.." Alexandra said under her breath as Egon smiled, "So you're a fan of trepanation too." he asked as both Peter and Ray tried to get her to switch the subject. "I always say that if done right, could cure a disease if done wrong, a lobotomy or death. " she shrugged her shoulders, "Although I wouldn't advise it on a hamster," she added. 

"Why's that?" 

"Makes them go crazy..." she laughed, looking at him, "I'm Dr. Alexandra Morgan." 

"Dr. Egon Spengler."

[bananashemmo]

Committed The Robbery (Part 5)

Pairing: Y/N/Gangmember!Ashton

Rating: NC-17

Request: Yes

Parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4

Summary: On a scale from 1 to shit, how fucked would Ashton be if he ended up banging the other gangmember Luke’s little sister Y/N?

Read Committed The Robbery on Wattpad

Footsteps from the hallway were faint, but still loud enough for you to hear. You had no idea for how long you had been laying in bed not wanting to wake up, or at least trying to open your eyes.

You felt too tired, you weren’t sure how many hours you had been sleeping but it didn’t feel like it was enough. You felt dizzy, probably from the many painkillers and last night’s events hunting you.

God, you felt like it all was just a horrible nightmare.

You fluttered your eyes open, just wanting the confirm of what happened wasn’t just in your head.

The curtains to Luke’s room was off so the grey skies from outside gave the room light. You looked at the cushions where Ashton had been sitting but he was nowhere to be seen. You hadn’t even noticed he left.

You a rand through your hair which was pretty messy. You didn’t have anything to get it away from your face so you settled with using your fingers as a comb.

When you sat up in bed after taking another look, you couldn’t help but grimace.

The pain was obvious, almost like a pounding migraine but on the skin. Your hand came down instantly to the hurt spot, feeling the bandage with spots of blood coming from the stitches.

God, you had almost forgotten. You didn’t want to remember now when you were being honest. You didn’t want to think that this was going to stay with you for the rest of your life.

It wasn’t big, it was easier to see how large the area was when lights were on and you weren’t affected by adrenaline or a pounding bass from downstairs. In fact, it was all so quiet, you could barely hear voices.

You weren’t even sure if the party was still going on. Sometimes you had caught Luke still partying at 8 am. A party never stopped until the host went to bed and he usually just stayed awake to the early mornings.

9:30 it was. You noticed because of your phone still having the battery on. It was only at 2% so it wouldn’t be surviving for long. You decided to put it into Luke’s charter before settling with investigating what was going on downstairs.

The long hem of Luke’s band tee folded to the edge when you stood up from the mattress. It almost hid your shorts and made it seem like you were just in your underwear.

You didn’t want to change, it didn’t feel like it was needed. They knew you had been sleeping in your shorts so you didn’t assume they would misinterpret the situation.

The voices from downstairs suddenly sounded downstairs and you concluded the party was over. You could hear Luke and his raspy voice, something he always adopted when drinking. That, along with his eyes turning a bloody red.

Sometimes he was mistaken for being on crack. You didn’t judge dem, he dealt with drugs daily and it was easy to conclude. But he knew better, he would never take time in using that on himself. He only sold it because of the money sometimes when he wanted to.

It was mostly Michael who spent time in that department. It wasn’t just once the police had taken him to the station overnight when they were catching him illegally selling on parking lots.

”Wait but no, as fun as it sounds I have to stay home. After all the stuff that has been going on the past few days, I don’t want Y/N to be alone now.”

You stopped in track by the end of the stairs because of Luke’s voice.

“I can stay behind if so?” Ashton suggested, maybe a little bit too fast for his liking but he couldn’t control his suggestion. It was the first thing that came to his mind and he said it out loud instead of thinking.

You could see the two of them by the kitchen island with Calum. The house looked like a scattered mess but they had black plastic bags standing by the counters so you assumed they were in the middle of cleaning.

That was the thing with them. They always seemed to mess like crazy, especially during parties. But they always managed to clean everything and usually when you would visit after a party, it looked cleaner than it did on a normal basis.

“You sure about that? You’re usually the one handling the business, let alone the one who’s perfectionistic. You don’t usually like when we handle your tasks.” Michael questioned before Luke got the chance to say anything and he looked over at Ashton a bit astonished.

“I mean we’ve all agreed to take care of Y/N individually.” Ashton shrugged, not really knowing how to save it, “I guess you can just say my duty is calling. I don’t mind, to be honest.”

The boys looked between each other skeptical at first but then Luke shrugged it off and threw his jacket over his shoulder.

“You are the one that gets with her the best.” He admitted and took a look in the mirror to check his hair. Even with battles, he wanted to make sure he looked good during it.

“But you promise me one thing.” He suddenly warned and Ashton held his breath, thinking worst case scenarios.

“Don’t let anyone in unless it’s one of the three of us.”

Ashton hadn’t realized he had been holding his breath but once he realized Luke wasn’t, in fact, thinking the same thing as him he let out a sound of relief. He nodded his head in agreement and watched the boys head towards the door, waving lightly at them as they left.

He turned around the corner to see you come down from the stairs with a confused gaze on your face.

“What is going on?” You questioned confused once you were down to the last step and looked around, “Where did Luke go?”

“The usual,” Ashton replied quietly, his lips tightening.

You nodded your head in agreement but not because you understood what he was referring to. You never had, you had never asked and to be honest you were better off not knowing why. They had always been referring it to ‘the usual’ or ‘business’ when talking about stuff they wanted to keep you out from.

“Why aren’t you with them?” You tried not to pretend you had been listening all along. You didn’t want to realize that they were switching places in order to keep you safe.

He shrugged his shoulders and headed over to the fridge, wanting to change the subject and avoiding giving you an answer.

“What do you want for breakfast?”

“I’m not hungry.” You shook your head and scratched your arm out of habit. You weren’t sure if it was because of the many painkillers you felt nausea. It gave you a headache, you honestly couldn’t manage the law class later.

“You have to eat something,” He carefully said and grabbed a few buns from one of the drawers.

“Isn’t that just a myth?” You crossed your arms and he couldn’t help but laugh.

“I know what you’re trying to do.” He let go of the bag and took the few steps to stand in front of you.

“You’re on the path of war because I didn’t answer your question. If I know you well enough I know that you already understand what is going on.”

You looked at him with furrowed eyebrows, not really knowing how to handle the situation. It wasn’t often you looked at it that way. Ashton was probably used to handling you.

“We’ve all agreed to take care of you. It came along when your parents moved to Wellington.”

He reached to grab the buns and put three in the oven. 2 for him and one for you. He wasn’t going to stop until you had put something in your mouth.

You sighed carefully and nodded your head in agreement.

Most of your life you were raised with your parents. It wasn’t often you saw them, considering they were in the same industry as your brothers. Not just Luke, but also Ben and Jack. They all took a part in the bittersweet life and you were the only one they prayed would turn into something great.

You actually believed that if it wasn’t for James constantly trying to ruin it.

Growing up was kind of harsh. The house never looked clean, nobody was rarely home and if they were, it wasn’t someone you knew off. Luke always made sure that if he wasn’t there to take care of you, some sort of babysitter would.

It wasn’t that you were all wrapped up in bubble wrap. You understood what they were doing, you knew they were handling weapons and you also knew in between the lines there were drugs. But you also trusted Luke. You knew he wouldn’t do such thing like that.

You had always tried to take a distance. It wasn’t easy considering they always had one eye on you. You couldn’t even walk out at the age of 14 without Luke needing to know where you were heading.

He could be an embarrassment at times. He couldn’t keep a barrier between being the overprotective big brother and also being the fun one. He was definitely the fun out of the four, always doing random shit you couldn’t imagine.

He was the one forcing the bullies to apologize, even if you were only 8. You didn’t understand where he got the power because he wasn’t tall until his late teens. It was like one day he woke up and was suddenly 6’3.

Not even the teachers in middle school wanted to call him out for things. You had no count of how many times he had tied someone to the sinks in the bathroom or something along the lines of that because they had said a mean comment to you.

You almost feared he would find out because you knew it would end up ugly. Just like with James. It was like nothing had changed.

You had always lived your life close to Luke. You had been staying at the same apartment since you were 16 and you always knew you could come to him when you needed it.

He always had the apartment full but only with people you knew of. He wouldn’t drag someone home and he definitely wouldn’t drag a woman home. The only girl in his life was you, and he wasn’t interested in anyone else.

You honestly thought you were going to stay at the apartment for the rest of your life. College was what changed your everyday life upside down.

When you tried to float the idea about moving out and into a dorm when you started college, it was like nonsense to Luke. How was he going to protect you, if you were miles away from him?

He didn’t want to admit it but he loved just walking into your room and sitting by your bed. Not saying anything but just enjoying watching you study, seeing whatever programme was on the TV or listening to the music that was blasting from your pink speakers.

You sometimes thought he was bored and doing it out of boredom. But the truth was he enjoyed just watching you be happy. It helped him knowing that you were on the right path.

In the end, he knew he couldn’t keep you inside the walls of the apartment. If you needed to continue the path he needed to let go and give you freedom.

You almost believed he had commitment issues because the second you made the deal and you got into a dorm at Sydney Falls College Campus, it was like he had to move out as well. He didn’t want to stay at the old apartment and the boys had been venting the dream of living together.

It also meant that they didn’t have to leave every single day to see each other, they could just walk into the other room and say hello.

It was in the middle of chaos because just the second you had gotten your acceptance letter from Sydney Falls, Luke came home to announce they had been expelled.

For what, he couldn’t announce. You neither wanted to ask even though you were dying to know. So many things had happened at that college before and you didn’t really understand they were suddenly expelled for good.

Sometimes Luke would come home and announce he was kicked out of class for either violence or similar activities. But that wasn’t expelled where they weren’t allowed to be on the school’s ground.

You weren’t even sure if they were allowed in your dorm. You’d lie if you say you weren’t about to have a heart attack when you were about to move in because the four of them were helping you. You were having a glance over your shoulder every other minute because you needed to make sure nobody was seeing them.

Everyone had heard the news that they were expelled. They weren’t a high topic but it was a relief to the ones who were scared. The boys never had a great reputation and you weren’t surprised by that.

They seemed pretty intimidating when they walked down the hallway as a pack that couldn’t be broken. In their leather jackets with a cigarette between their fingers and black leather jackets.

You had tried asking Luke once but he was rejecting. You didn’t know if it was because you had moved out you were suddenly let out of the information. He didn’t want to answer and told that you were safe without the information.

That was when they announce they were going to be away for a while. You had no idea why, how or where they were going but they had to leave. You were protesting at first because not living near Luke kind of scared you. But in the end, it was a great choice because it meant you got a great start at college without someone watching you behind your back.

You got the start you wanted and three months later the boys were back. It was like everything was back to normal, yet it was some sort of new start.

But as soon as the boys were back, it was like you had become a target. For no reason, you had never done anything to hurt James. You even tried to help him back in kindergarten when Luke was forcing him to eat sand.

“Why are you so afraid something is going to happen to me?” You sat down on one of the white chairs in front of the wooden table.

There was a large purple orchid standing in the middle of the table next to a salt and pepper set. You assumed it was a host gift from last night.

Ashton couldn’t help but chuckle by your question. He was hovering over the buns, watching them finish until they were warm and crispy.

“Because you’re Daphne.” He answered simply and you furrowed your eyebrows, “Daphne Joy?”

“No, no not her.” Ashton was quick to shake his head, “I’m not talking about her. I’m talking about Daphne Blake.”

“You’re seriously comparing me to a Scooby Doo character?” You tried not to sound a bit insulted but you were, “Michael used to call me that when I was younger. It’s not like I’m getting stuck in trees anymore when playing.”

Ashton laughed again and stopped the toaster before he burned the buns.

“I’m not saying you’re a cartoon character,” He hummed and opened the fridge, “I’m just saying that you’re very fragile and the chance of you getting kidnapped is pretty high.”

He grabbed a package of butter, lifting it in the air as an invitation. You nodded your head in agreement and watched him place the butter in front of you.

“Is there a chance I will be kidnapped?” You lowered your voice, feeling a bit of anxiety just by the thought. It had crossed your mind before but the chances were in fact real.

He leaned his long body against the kitchen counter and crossed his arms. His mouth twisted and he looked down at the ground trying to come with an answer.

“We will try our utter best to avoid it. As long as you’re with me I promise you nothing will ever harm you.”

If there was one time where Ashton seemed serious, it was moments like this. Where you could see through his hazel eyes that he would never forgive himself if he managed to hurt you in any way that could have been prevented.

“Ashton, can I ask you something?”

He flicked his curls away from his eyes to look at you and nodded his head. You rubbed your hands together, not really knowing if you were going to catch an answer now.

“What happened?”

Silence fell upon the kitchen. Ashton looked at you with no expression on his face. You didn’t know if it was because he didn’t understand your question or if he was reliving the moment you just asked. Whatever was going on caught all his attention and he wasn’t saying anything.

“When?” His tone went serious and he lowered his voice.

You shifted in your seat and folded your hands together again. His eyes weren’t flicking away from your form and you were trying not to get red cheeks.

“I was just trying to understand-, I mean,” You were fumbling over your words suddenly becoming nervous. Maybe this was a bad idea after all.

“Why were you expelled?”

Silence came again but this time a little less tense. It was like Ashton had imagined you would ask something else because he seemed relieved.

He loosened his body from the counter and grabbed a chair to take a seat.

“It seems to me you’ve heard something?” He asked just to be sure but you were quick to shake your head. You knew nothing.

“And you haven’t heard anything from college? I mean, it’s the source of gossip.”

You shook your head again. The only thing you had been hearing was it was a collision between the boys and James’ big brother. You had never actually met him and if you had it was many years back.

“Okay.” Ashton nodded his head and folded his hands together.

“You know Marc, right?” He asked and you shook your head, “Marc Walker? James’ big brother?” By the added question you nodded your head in agreement. You had just forgotten his name.

“He has always been a manipulating ass. Never the one to trust, the blond haired gorgeous idiot who’s only purpose on life is to make everyone else’s end. He’s part-time leader of the gang down by the West. We don’t get near that because it’s too dangerous for any of us.”

You nodded your head wanting him to continue as you intensely ate your bun with butter.

“We’ve always been on bad terms. Ever since high school we’ve hated each other, bloody hell I can even imagine it like it was yesterday. If I had to make a list of all the bad things he has done in his life I don’t think we would have the time.” Ashton took a bite of his own bun.

“We’ve collided many times. I don’t want to get into details with that but Marc did something that was, against all laws. Even in the gang world, you don’t break the rules. Even if we hate each other and want to kill each other we still respect the rules. That’s rule number one.”

The rules didn’t seem like something you had heard off before. You remembered Luke mentioning it a few years back but you assumed it was just a lame joke.

“What was that girl?” You lifted an eyebrow and Ashton replied it with, “We’ll get to that.”

“The boys and I were trying of a way to come up with something back. I mean, it wasn’t easy and it took at least two months before we were even feeling like normal people again. What Marc did was so terrible I honestly don’t think he would be able to survive if he was within my reach.”

You just wanted him to spill the beans, why did you need all these details.

“Luke was the one coming up with the plan. We had to do something that was going to hit James’ the hardest way possible. Without breaking the rules of course.” Ashton ran a hand through his locks, “I didn’t think it would be a great idea at first because it was risky. But we had to do something because he needed something back. He couldn’t just walk free with the things he had done.”

“But I can’t tell you what we did because it will one, cause you danger, and two, put us all in a risky position. Only the four of us can know. It has to be on my dead body if it slips out between these walls. They don’t talk.”

You honestly couldn’t feel more disappointed. He literally told nothing. You could easily have figured out yourself not to mention find out by just asking someone at campus.

“But you have to promise me one thing.” He looked at you seriously and you nodded your head in agreement wanting him to continue.

“If you ever see Marc Walker as in ever there’s one thing you’re going to do. Run.”

You didn’t want to know how dangerous he actually was. By the way, Ashton was talking about him you could just sense he was dangerous. He wasn’t someone you wanted to run into.

“He’s currently underground not wanting to be seen by anyone. So the coast is clear as long as he isn’t in Sydney. He disappeared once we all were expelled. He was supposed to be in jail but left before it happened. We haven’t seen his face since. You can kind of say our secret plan worked.”

Ashton shrugged his shoulders and grabbed your plates to put it into the sink. He was, after all, the neatest out of the boys. He hated when dirty towels were on the floor, good thing it was him and Calum sharing bathroom and not with Luke.

You watched him hover over the sink with a sponge, trying to think everything through. He was definitely leaving out details that seemed important to the story.

You didn’t want to force him to speak though. You never wanted to be on the edge.

When you tried to stand up from the chair a shot of pain was caused by your stomach.

You couldn’t help but groan a little bit, catching Ashton’s attention.

“Oh yes,” He dried his hands in a towel, “I promised Calum to take a look.”

You leaned back on the chair and lifted up in Luke’s shirt for Ashton to see. You didn’t know if he was an expert in wounds but it seemed okay when he removed the patch gently.

“Well he did a pretty great job that Kiwi boy.” He hummed in satisfaction and walked over to one of the cabinets. They had a place where they kept a first aid kit, he probably just needed a new patch.

As long as you would be wearing clothes you couldn’t just have the scar free in case of blood or secretion.

“When can we take the stitches out?” You leaned your head to the side and watched him clean the wound.

“I don’t think until a few weeks. It needs to heal probably. But I’m not a doctor. Ask Calum.” He couldn’t help but laugh a bit. Neither were Calum but he had interest and probably new.

You nodded your head and looked down at your phone. You couldn’t help but sigh heavily and Ashton noticed.

“What?” He nodded his head down at your phone, “What’s wrong?”

“It’s just that…” You looked down at the phone again, hesitantly, “I just have a class here at 12. I just don’t want to go because…”

“James is there?” Ashton finished your sentence and you nodded your head in agreement.

You knew this wasn’t supposed to ruin your classes but you honestly felt so weak. There was no way you were ready or able to do an argument with him. You just wanted to be invisible.

“I have an idea.” He announced and you furrowed your eyebrows.

“Come with me.”

“Ashton I don’t think this is a good idea.”

You looked up at him with wide eyes, your teeth digging into your bottom lip.

He looked into the mirror of the window and wrapped his gray beanie over his curls so they were only sticking out at the top and by the ends.

He turned around to look at you with a smirk and furrowed eyebrows.

“What do you mean this isn’t a great idea?”

He was wearing a dark purple/blue and red flannel, a white tee under it and his black skinny jeans. You had never seen him wear something like this before but it wasn’t like he looked like someone who was suddenly in disguise.

You didn’t know if you were supposed to answer or not because he seemed to have settled his mind.

“You know he won’t touch you if you’re near me.” He placed his hands in his jean pockets and looked at you with a smile.

“Yes,” You nodded your head in agreement, “But you’re expelled. They will take you to the police station if they find out you’re in one of my classes.”

“They’ll need to catch me first.” Ashton winked and opened the door, “Ladies first.”

When you meant everyone you meant EVERYONE was staring at you. You weren’t sure if it was because people had the expression you had a new boy at college with you or if they did see it was Ashton. He wasn’t that hard to recognize.

You didn’t like the attention you were getting but Ashton seemed to enjoy it. He was smiling all over his face pretty amused.

You walked into the classroom with Ashton right behind you, wanting to get to the top of the stairs and take a seat on the back row. You never liked being up front.

As you placed your books on your seat you felt pokes on your shoulders. You couldn’t help but feel goosebumps up your spine.

“Well look who was brave enough to show up today?” James grinned by the sight of you, “Surprised you didn’t breath to death. There’s still blood on my knife.”

“That’s funny because there isn’t blood on my gun, yet.” Ashton showed up from your behind, placing an arm on your shoulders.

With instinct James took a step back, watching Ashton smile all over his face.

“And before you say anything,” Ashton nodded down at the lector, “Remember I never miss with a bullet.”

James swallowed deeply and hurried to take a seat in front of you, feeling his long legs disappear under his table.

You looked up at Ashton and couldn’t help but smile just a little bit, a warm fuzzy feeling in your stomach when he took a seat next to you and waited for the class to start.

[shrapped]

The year of inbetweens

Today marks the day of one year being with me and only me. Don't be mislead. I'm not saying I locked myself in a cabin and didn't see a single soul for a year. It was another kind of commitment.

On the 20th april of 2018 I broke up with my last boyfriend, who was my second big love. Like the kind of person you picture yourself growing old with. The kind of person that makes you seriously consider kids as a 20yr old. The kind of person you get crazy about.

It wasn't that I didn't love him. It was that I wanted to love me first. He couldn't meet needs I felt pressing to have met. I did what I had to do, but trust me it wasn't easy.

We were sitting on a bench in a park and after he cried, after he screamed, after he cursed me, after he left, I just kept on sitting there. For half an hour I couldn't move. I sat in tears, knowing I did the right thing, but it felt so wrong. How could I let go the guy who felt like the love of my life?

I wanted to do all the bad things. I wanted to smoke a cigarette, numb my feelings. Wanted to drink or hook up with some random dude. I wanted to really hurt myself. But how could I? How could I hurt myself after doing the hardest thing just to do right by me. That would've made me a cheat.

One week later I ended up talking to an acquaintance about the breakup, relationships in general and the ways we run from things. And that night I made a commitment to myself: To stay single for a year, no matter what. To come back to myself, and to stay there, no matter what's pulling me.

I remember well how my therapist reacted. She didn't take me serious. She asked what would happen if I met someone? Wouldn't it be stupid to force it? I got really mad at her.

This decision felt a hundred percent like my truth. It came from a place within me that's wise, that knows my truth, even before I do.

I on the other hand was feeling so excited. I thought this was awesome and just what I needed, and just about this year anyway, and very bearable. But really, man, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. And I keep thinking now that that's a good thing, because if I had, it may would have scared me off. And man, would I have missed out.

In hindsight, I'm calling it the year of inbetweens. I'm really feeling that word. Inbetween.

I was letting go of old stuff, drugs, people, behaviours, just everything that wasn't of any use to my new, self-loving me. But I did not yet have anything new to fill up these spaces. And there still are lot of spaces to fill. New ways to pick up. I'm inbetween, and it's a very scary place to be in, but I wouldn't wanna miss it for the world.

Saying Yes to Yourself means saying No to Others

I was a person who'd always put themselves at the end of the row. And trust me, it was a long row. My Mom, my Dad, friends, aquaintances, colleagues, even strangers on the street. I was always in a hurry to please them. I got lost somewhere along the way.

Before learning to say yes to things, to adventure and being spontaneous, I had to learn to say No.

No to doing what they wanted instead of what I felt like, no to friends of friends when they are not my people. No to parties and no to drugs.

Trust me, it wasn't easy. In the beginning while it may have felt a tad better than ignoring my authentic self, sitting home alone on a Friday night felt wrong. Like I was missing out on something. But was I, if what I was missing out wasn't what I wanted in the first place? No!

Like all the areas, change came slowly. As I started to feel better with going with my gut when it came to my need, I started to change the way I arrange my life.

I stopped arranging my life around other peoples wants and needs, and their lifestyle. Instead I started asking, and learning, and sometimes failing my own wants and needs. And whatever didn't fit anymore was tossed out. I may sound like a bit of a dickhead now. And you know what? I was. Still kinda am, though the worst is over.

I'm sorry for every time someone got to feel consequences for something they didn't cause. But to me it was natural.

I'm a hundred percent certain if you want to get in balance and have been living one side of the story, you need to live the other one in the same extent. It may just look a little crazy if you compress in a few months what happened over years on the other side.

I spent years, actually, my whole childhood putting myself last. So now I come first. End of the story.

Don't wait for meaning, create meaning

We, as humans, often look for meaning. In life, but also in the small things. If what happened to us makes sense in a bigger picture, if we can shift our perspective, something bad may not be just bad anymore.

I know there are people out there who went through much more struggles than me, but I also wouldn't say it was all easy.

I think one of the key lessons from my last year was when I turned towards sobriety. First I stopped drinking alcohol – by choice. Then I was forced to quit smoking weed too. The last couple months I've been having my fights with the plain old cigarettes. So slowly turning my back on drugs alltogether.

There was a reason I couldn't start stopping earlier. A family member of mine is an alcoholic, and only when I severed all contact with them, that I could start working on my relationship with alcohol. Everything else was just Domino effect.

I'm not happy about the rough patches in my life. I wouldn't wish tragedy on anyone. But I am thankful for the lessons. In hindsight, everything fits into the bigger picture. As soon as I realized that, I startet creating my meaning as I went along. I didn't wait for the Aha-Moment, I created it.

Asking myself:

What can I learn from this?

How is this helping me grow?

Healing is about love a lot. But it seems, healing is a lot about responsibility too. The moment you start taking back responsibility for your own happiness instead of letting it depend on other people and outer circumstances is the moment you will start to heal. I'm not saying you're gonna be magically alright and nothing bad will ever happen again. What I'm saying is you'll be fine with not yet being alright, or not being alright all the time. You'll grow so strong and confident when you realize how much power you really hold, that when a bad thing comes along it might make you struggle , it might even knock you down, but it will not knock you out.

You can think of creating meaning as a time travel – when it's too difficult experiencing the here and now, you can travel to your future self, a few years from that moment, and see how you did benefit from it after all.

Be your own kind of brave

Learning to say No, for me, started with still saying Yes, but then saying No somewhere in the middle. It started with saying maybe to gain some time. And to use that time to realize that I should've said No. It started with more fuck ups, than successes.

Here's a little story about a time I messed up quite badly:

A friend asked me to join him on a holiday. I agreed to accompany him to a trip to Italy, visiting a Rainbow Gathering. (Rainbow Gatherings are not festivals. They're intentional gatherings of all kinds of people who come together for a month somewhere in nature to cook together, sing around the fires, make workshops, share experiences and generally come together as 'a family'.)

We wanted to take a flight there, but the flight was cancelled. We both decided to hitchhike our way down to Italy. But boy, I really didn't know what I was getting myself into.

Being 2 months in on this journey of self-discovery my mind was already overflowing with information to proccess, and these days of hitchhiking were no better. Being constantly surrounded by the noise of the highway, lacking sleep, lacking structure or security in any kind of way. I was worn out after one day already, to be honest.

We were still in Germany, in a touristy town by a lake. The weather was beautiful, there was a fleamarket and the summer breeze rounded it all up. What an evening to be crying. Yet that's exactly what I was doing. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted to run away so badly, be safe, go home.

I knew I couldn't keep it up, I told my friend I couldn't do the rest of the trip with him. Boy, was he upset. And of course he was. That was just anything but cool. He told me I was just being a coward.

But I knew, that I was just being my own kind of brave.

It's a process

You know, it's a funny thing. I started playing guitar a few months ago. And it's working, without a proper teacher or anything. Okay, that's not funny. But here's something that is:

This is not the first time I'm trying to learn the guitar. I did so 5 years ago, and even with a teacher.

I just didn't have the right mindset. I was the all or nothing kind of person. Way too perfectionist to ever get anything done. I picked up the guitar, tried and failed. It didn't sound like those great musicians I admired. So obviously I just didn't have it in me. Practice was tiring and success so slim it didn't seem promising.

So what was different this time?

I started slow. I started with a Ukulele which is a way more thankful instrument than guitar could ever be. You get easy success and a feeling for string instruments and strumming. Everything else came naturally. I got bored, I wanted more variety, more possibility.

I didn't fear failure. When making a mistake stopped meaning that I am a mistake, it was okay. It maybe wasn't fun, but it was endurable.

I could cherish the small silver lining, instead of waiting for the big fireworks. Every success, no matter how little, I could appreciate as making some kind of progress. And everything else is just perseverence. And trust me, stubborn I am.

I'm still working very much to stay in that perspective, but it got me way further than being perfectionist ever has.

So be gentle with yourself. Be kind in your words, as you would be with your friends. Let yourself make the mistakes you are learning from. Give yourself the space you need, and fill it with whatever is there. Whether it be laughter, or tears, or screams, or running from things, or letting go completely. Fill it. Let yourself be empty, let yourself be overflowing. Let yourself be.

[panda-plumbobs]

sim my life tag

by @panda-plumbobs (wait, I made this tag? 😂)

rules: reimagine / recreate a few photos / memories that show something important about you or your life... in the sims! feel free to discuss what they show, and then tag some friends to join in the fun!

IT’S FINALLY HERE - the get-to-know-me-followers-gift-tag-thing I have been talking about for far too long! I’ve put way too much time into this but I’m really happy with the end result, and I hope this lets anyone new here get to know a little bit more about the simmer behind the plumbob that runs this crazy little blog 💕

As this is a followers gift (x2!!) I just wanted to say thank you to anyone and everyone who has ever followed or supported me - I love you all so much, as well as the simblr community! I’m going to be tagging all those who have been even more than that, whether they are friends, people I have chatted to, people who have inspired me, have been super active or just friendly in general, so if you are tagged at the end of this post, know that you are extra special to me and you are the best!! 😊

The first actual screenshot of this post shows five pictures that actually exist in my house - or as close as I could get them to look like the ones irl! You can consider the other screenies (5, 6 + 7) to be more based on memories and experiences, as well as just showcases of things about me! This is going to be a hefty and long post so I’ve put under the cut for you beautiful people. With all the admin stuff out of the way, let’s get right into it! ✨

1. ‘bright as a jewel, beautiful as a flower’ ~ Hi. You probably all know me as panda, p or the elusive A from the gallery (not A from PLL, I promise 😏), but of course, I’m not actually called panda, as that would be a kinda cool but unfortunate name. I have disclosed my name to a couple of people over message, but never publicly so...Hi. My name is Amber (it’s actually Amber Rose surname but Rose is a middle name, so I usually drop it when introducing myself, and thus explaining the quote so often used by mother to explain the name). Anyway, good to finally introduce myself to y’all! The picture above is obviously not when I was born, as I definitely didn’t come out looking that fabulous 17 years ago. No, this is an edit done by Grandma of my christening, 5 months after 05/09, my birthday. Of course, I don’t remember any of it, but it happened in my mum’s childhood-home-local-church, at the time almost an hour away from where we lived.

2. ‘splish, splash, splosh’ ~ By the time I turned two, we moved closer to my grandparent’s on my mum's side, who didn’t live too far off the coast. We lived more centrally in UK prior on the outskirts of a city, so moving there (or back, in my mum’s circumstances) to a rural and much smaller community was a big change. I personally can’t even remember my time in the city, as I was so young. I do remember our times on the beach after we moved. We’d go very often, and we’d play in the sea, make sandcastles, walk our old dog Sam... the pictures above were taken in one of the colder months during this time - and was taken and edited by my grandma once again.

3. ‘she smiles because she is my sister, she laughs because there is nothing i can do about it...’ ~ Not too long after the move, my one and only sibling, my sister came along. I think it’s fair to say that although I have always disliked her, found her incredibly annoying and referred to her as the spawn of satan multiple times, there is some love there. We do occasionally get on very well, but other times it’s like there is a war going on between us! However, things do always resolve themselves... but not for long 😂

4. ‘although i cannot see you, i feel your presence near. i will hold you close in memory, till I drop my very last tear.’ ~ In December 2013, my grandma passed away after battling cancer for many years. This was the first death in the family, and the first death of someone so close to me I had experienced. Although it sounds super big headed, as her first born grandchild I always her favourite, and even though she was very traditional, we were always very close. I’ve always been quite unemotional, so it didn’t really hit me she was gone until I was making shortbread biscuits in FT, and I broke down. Most people thought that it was because my biscuits went so badly... The photo here was taken on the same day that photo 3 was and before she got really ill, and I’m almost certain that the quote is from a poem I wrote in a card for her coffin.

5.  ‘divorce isn’t such a tragedy. a tragedy is staying in an unhappy marriage.’ ~ This photo is more of a what-if, as we went on many camping holidays when we were a family. In mid-2013, my mum and dad separated, and finally got officially divorced last year. The family was pretty much broken when my sister and I were born - my dad was always very restrictive with money, and we always only had the bare minimum we needed to survive, let alone live a good, happy life, even though we had plenty of money for that. My parents would constantly argue and fell out of love because this - so things had to change. I know that the splitting-up of parents affects most people in a big way, but this has never affected me that much. I feel as though I have never had a relationship with my dad, even though I lived with him for most of my life. Now, both of my parents have moved on and are happy in new relationships - I only see my dad a couple of times a month and have never met his new partner. But none of this has changed me, and to be honest, I think everyone in my family is a better person because of it.

6. ‘aspire and achieve’ ~ School has obviously been a massive part of my life. I followed the same line as most kids in England up to secondary school. I did a year at my local secondary before I moved over to another school, a bit further away with no one I knew attending but much smaller with higher ratings. Moving there was the best decision I ever made. I improved academically and socially, gaining loads of new friends and skills.Last year, I sat my GCSEs, and came out with 5 A*s, 3 As, and a B - I couldn’t have been happier. I’m now attending a large city college to do AS levels in English Language and Literature, Sociology, Geography and Film Studies this next summer, and even though I’ve only been going for 3 weeks - I’m loving every second of it!

7. ‘my face looks like the moon!’ ~ It’s been a long journey to finding myself, and I have changed so much as a person over my 17 years. I used to be really shy, never look at people when they spoke to me... but now I’m probably too confident, as I always let my opinion come first 😂 My personality type is INFP-J and star sign Virgo - both of which apply extremely strongly to me, and basically any description you can find of either is always highly relatable to me. I’ve always been unique and individual, not following the crowd, as well as a bit of a geek - a perfectionist, intelligent, organised and thriving on the Internet. However, I do have a girly side: one part of me that has stayed since I was young was my self-consciousness about my body, and I certainly have acne (which is subtly in the picture), not in such a bad way that I need to take medication, but it has bothered me for a very long time (show by the direct quote for this selection of screenies 😂).  I feel as though makeup is a fun and effective way of making myself look how I want, and although I’m not into as much as I was, I still love it! I also love to read, and have way too many books that I have bought and have got round to reading due to school texts, as well as clothes and fashion!

8. ‘always classy, never trashy and a little bit sassy’ ~ These final screenies are of me at my prom this summer just gone! My whole look was inspired by Clary from the Mortal Instruments, as well as Grecian style as I knew I was going on holiday to Crete only a few weeks after! Although it pissed it down all night, it was a great event and a huge celebration for not only completing and doing well in my exams but also how far I have come as a person in the last 4 years especially - my achievements, my friends and my personality as a whole. I’ll miss my old school and friends, but I’ll never get anywhere if I don’t move on - university, seeing the world, falling in love - I want to experience it all. College is the first step, and who knows what will happen from there. But I’ll never forget where I’ve come from and the people and events that have made me the person I am today 💫

I tag all of the people that have made these past six months so memorable on here: @inevitablesims, @tiredtoothache, @vividlore, @calisimgirl, @littlemissnellie and @sunlitsims! I love you guys so much and I hope you have fun doing this little thing I’ve created 🤗 Also if you fancy doing this tag and I haven’t tagged you here:

😂😂😂 Honestly please do - I’d love to see your take on this! Just say I tagged you as I would love to see it! 💞 I used my simself and family in this tag, but if you don’t feel comfortable using your simself or any other people you know irl (family and friends), then you could just use placeholders, blur their faces out or just do memories or photos that don’t include certain people - this tag can be as personal as you want, and as long as your followers get to know a little more about you, it really doesn’t matter 😄 Also with it being the lead up to Simblrween, I don’t mind of anyone I’ve tagged here puts it off until after then!

DISCLAIMER: I inspired this off Draw My Life videos on YouTube - I know people have done Sim My Life videos before, but they have often just followed a simself through a new life in the game - not really remaining totally close to the actual events that have happened to them in the past. I don’t think anyone has done this as a tag before (or anything similar) on Simblr, but if someone has done it before, I am deeply sorry that I overlooked this and I owe full credit of the idea to the person who came up with the original tag!

I hope you guys liked this, as well as my new small but personal updates to my theme! I love you all so much!! 💞

[amisbro]

UtaPri S-I Backstory

Alrighty so last night I found out that @kredcali86krisbsf wanted either DiaLovers or UtaPri to find out what the deal is with that backstory.  I keep my promises (or try to) so here we go with this one but I warn you its a long one so are going under a cut. READY...

SET...

GO!!!

Alright so to begin this one we have to go back to the States and why?  Well you see in this case Joshua actually was an intern at a local radio station fresh out of college with a Communications Degree.  He wanted to get into radio broadcasting and he wanted to be able to go to a station in PA so he applied to a few and one of the many he applied to actually got back to him. Joshua started working with different hosts at the station as he had no one time that he ever was asked to go in.  Sometimes he got the 6-10 show and sometimes the 12-3 but the one he always liked getting (and for a brief time got only once in a while) was the 3-7 shift because it was arguably the most listened to time for the particular station.  Some argued that the Noon to 3 slot was more presitgious because of Lunch Rush but Joshua liked to work his 3-7 shift and the host there was a bit more willing to also teach him during the breaks about things to do behind the mike and things not to do.  Joshua took notes and kept an eye out to watch what the host did and when it came to the presentation and the demeanor that he used it was something he carefully took notes on. Well fast forward to about 3 months into his internship and things went crazy! Joshua was scheduled to go in for the 3-7 shift again (SCORE!) and keep an eye on the show to take more and more notes.  One thing Joshua started doing though was if he was ,if he came in early, he would bring headphones and his own CD Player to listen to some of the music that was intriguing him at the time.  Not that the music that the regular host played wasn’t good because it was but what was going on was Josh wanted to make sure that he could keep his ear to the ground with the music he was really in tune with! And then something interesting happened! Joshua was called into the Program director’s office and told that the regular host for his shift wasn’t going to be in.  The problem was it was such a last minute call that they couldn’t find a replacement so Joshua would have to go in.  The other thing that would happen though is that because of this they wanted Josh to play what he was comfortable with and they did this because he had such a sterling attendance record when it came to coming to work and they wanted to reward him...what they would find out though was that rewarding him rewarded the station in a BIG WAY! Joshua remembered that he was supposed to officially go on at about 3:05 and when the usual intro came on he began with his own introduction “GOOOOOOD AFTERNOON EVERYONE!  It is Wednesday and I am your sub host for the day as the regular was a little under the weather today.  I am going to be with you for the next 4 hours and I know what we usually do on this station but today....its gonna be a little different!  Today I got a goodie bag of songs to play for ya and I hope you enjoy them so let’s get started!” Joshua exclaimed as he out in the first CD and played the song he was looking for This is how it went for the entire show but what was interesting was during the entire show the switchboard at the station was blowing up!  No one in their right mind was expecting the switch that was going on and they were pleasantly surprised!  When the director got a hold of the feedback after the show he wanted to talk to Joshua right then and there but he wanted to see if it was a flue so...he gave Joshua the rest of the week to prove himself! OOOH BOY! Not only did Joshua prove himself BUT the Director noticed that Joshua changed something in his greeting for the show and it was interesting to say the least GOOOOOD AFTERNOON Philly and Good Morning Japan as today is the final show of the week and I am sad to say that this might be my final show but its been a fun one.  I went and got another goodie bag of songs for you today and...since its the last show I might be doing I think we might have a VERY SPECIAL SURPRISE for you for the last song of the day BUT we have to get there so let’s get the show on the road!” The show went like it normally did and everyone was enjoying it.  When it was nearing the 7 PM hour Joshua was ready for his big surprise “Alright Ladies and Gents tonight we are going to play one very special song that I haven’t played all week as I checked my checklist here!  I thought I had but eh you know that stuff happens and I want you to enjoy it so...here is ‘Crystal Time’!” Now this seems innocent enough right?  Play one of your faves on the final day of your gig and then do the final sign off and walk out.  Problem was that he played the “Off Vocal” by accident and when he realized it he stopped the CD and then made the following announcement “OOPS!  Well that is a hell of a way to start the final song of the night but you know what...let’s turn this into a positive and we are going to restart the song BUT for the first and LAST time you are going to get to hear me sing the song alrighty?  Let’s go!” Meanwhile in Japan 7 gents were on their way to TV Asahi to do an episode of Music Station and they were listening to a satellite version of a radio show...it just so happened to be the same one Joshua was hosting but how could they know.  When one of the individuals heard the song stop and the announcement that the host would take part in singing it on his final day that seemed odd...until he heard it and told the driver to pull over! “What the...what is this?!  This is the next level of this song isn’t it?!” The idol asked incredulously meanwhile an orange haired man spoke up next to him “It is a very interesting rendition for sure Ichinose.  I wonder if this person studied singing at one time?  That would make things even more interesting now wouldn’t it?” The man asked and this just made Tokiya ponder things harder! Where this gets really interesting was after the show ended Joshua was asked to go into the Station Manager’s office who had the program director because during that impromptu moment there were people calling ALL OVER THE PLACE and apparently not just other stations...but Talent Agencies as well! Hearing all of this Joshua was stunned and more so when he heard about one of the stations that was courting him was FM 10 and even Music Station in Japan wanted him to come on!  Josh had some things to think about! The next week the regular host was back in his time slot and Joshua was asked to end his internship because...he was far beyond an intern and they wanted him as a host BUT he also had these other offers too!  What Joshua agreed to was to come on as a host for the station BUT if there were other offers he wanted to hear those out too!  The manager agreed and thus a Legendary run of the 3-7 show was going to begin! The show NEVER fell out of the top slot or if it did it wasn’t for long and regained its position and Joshua’s “Last Song Karaoke” became a very popular segment as people would legit blow up the phones whenever it happened!  They blew up when he was on regular too and it was hard to keep up with any and all calls that came in to the point that Joshua legit HAD to go to another station to try and end the madness! Well the offer he took was in Japan and well...it got CRAZIER! This time Joshua’s shift was from 12-3 on the radio BUT he was also asked to come on some of the Variety shows at different stations like TV Asahi, TV Tokyo and Tokyo MX!  The want for him was crazy within the first week and how he would get ANY TIME to unplug was insane! It got crazier when a man named Himura and another named Shining Saotome appeared on the same broadcast on Tokyo MX with Joshua to discuss how things were going with their Agencies.  There was a rumor (it was false) that Himura’s agency was struggling since losing one of their top idols but then Shining would chime in and make mention of Joshua’s performances that he got to hear on the radio!  It turned out that Tokiya and some of the other individuals would get the show recorded so they didn’t miss anything.  Heck they used the DVR when they knew he would be on one of the Variety shows and watched how engaging he was as a personality without skipping a beat!  Tokiya admitted flat out that he wished he could have done that without falter and wondered what Joshua’s secret was! During the appearance with Shining the President asked Joshua if he would be willing to come for a visit on a free day (which he had few) to come to visit the Agency and see what he thought.  Joshua again was very much hesitant and claimed that if he was to go to one he might pick the one that Himura worked for BUT he would check them out regardless That turned out to be one of his great choices! On the day that Joshua walked into the Agency Joshua met with Shining and his two units:  STARISH and QUARTET NIGHT!  Joshua was very much cordial with both of them and as a matter of fact the one he found out to be Ren was to come on Joshua’s radio show in a few days so that was going to be fun. What was intriguing was that during the meeting Joshua spoke with both groups about him (possibly) joining the Agency as an idol and both were interested in the idea but it became more interesting when Ai was the first to speak up on the behalf of QUARTET NIGHT! It turned out that during one of Joshua’s appearances when he was asked to sing in front of a crowd that the teal haired gent could sense a unique energy from him and asked Shining if they could borrow Joshua for a few days.  Shining agreed and was able to get the days cleared from Josh’s schedule. What happened?  Well a lot! They played one of their big singles at the time which was “POISON KISS” and Joshua listened to all the parts and then sang the whole song himself but he did it more than once because he was a closet perfectionist! That final time though... Remember back in The Terminator when a dude asked Kyle Reese “Hey Man...did you see a really bright light?”  Yeah that is what they saw and you needed shades (they had them) to be able to see shit! It was almost like the song they were listening too completely started to evolve and morph.  Camus was especially surprised when Joshua did his part because it sounded REALLY DIFFERENT and he enjoyed that!  When all was over and the Tealet (as Joshua would find out his name was Ai) analyzed the data just from what he heard and saw there...it was obvious what needed to happen! Camus went on behalf of the QN and demanded that Joshua be given a spot as a member of QN.  Joshua was stunned because of his commitments that he still had then but Camus told him he could keep them but if he ever wanted to take on being an idol with them then he was all for it.  Joshua accepted the amended offer and all seemed well! About a year or two later and things take an interesting turn Joshua was working with the QN and Shining was noticing that there WAS a unique elevation that happened when he was around them.  The thing was that Shining knew the money was in STARISH so he wanted to get Joshua to jump there but he was always resistant and both Ren and Masa (both of whom Joshua called “Brother”) aided in the protest and said that it should be Joshua’s choice and Shining relented but knew that if Joshua ever showed interest in going he would put him there in heartbeat! During the time that Joshua was working with QUARTET NIGHT it was noticed by Joshua that Camus was a touch stressed.  The Count from the land of Permafrost had to give up Nanami because of the fact that she had to work on other projects and that put him in a bit of a bind.  Joshua ,whom is never one to want to be bored, asked to try his hand at the position.  Sure he knew it was going to be hell but he told the Count to try him for 7 days and if he didn’t like the way he did things he would not only resign BUT leave the QN!  Camus agreed to the terms and it was on! It took about 30 seconds for Camus to realize that he needed Joshua to work with him consistently from keeping the schedule to making his tea and everything the guy was a regular machine and things got crazy when there would be times when Camus would get ready to ask for something and it was sitting at his spot already and Joshua was also checking his PDA to make sure that he was cleared for the day or what appointments were next! Camus assumed that the guy wasn’t human...well he WAS but it was a rather attractive quality about him and one he could get used to in his own way...not that he would (OR COULD) admit that publicly but Josh kind of knew that already and didn’t comment on it! As things started to pick up for QN and especially Camus with Joshua by his side the intensity with which Shining would try to separate Joshua from them was incredible but at the same time he knew damn well that to separate Joshua from the Count was going to be impossible and whenever he would see them in the halls going to appointments and making even the LIGHTEST of conversations some would dare say that they were a true power couple in the Agency (Yes kids there were people that worked for Shining that actively thought this...Natsuki might have “accidentally” made a blog about it but SHHHH!!!) ANWAYS Things started to get a bit more interesting when HEAVENS came into the picture...well more like the second time but the first time Joshua admittedly didn’t follow their activities nearly as hard but from what Camus told him they were trouble for STARISH...he got that it seemed! On one day however Joshua was out on his own doing not a lot and he happened to see this one dude that was walking down the street not really bothering ANYONE and some punk tried to harass him which was a no no in Joshua’s book and stepped in and dealt with the problem as diplomatically as he could!  What��s more is that after the one confrontation they would never deal with any issues like THAT again at least for the rest of the day! When Joshua introduced himself to the gentleman he found out his name was Eiji and he worked with the unit called HEAVENS.  Joshua had vaguely heard of this group as a trio and that they got 4 new members so that was cool and he asked if he could go meet the other 6,  Eiji called his brother Eiichi and made sure that it was okay with him but when Eii heard it was Joshua he was INSTANTLY SOLD on the idea!  The two took a cab to house that they were living at and this is when things got interesting...really interesting See when Joshua heard about HEAVENS before he heard about this renegade trio that wanted to beat STARISH and take Nanami...okay that might not have COMPLETELY CHANGED but WHOA was the environment different,  He went from a place where at times you had idols either chasing a composer they all wanted and a group that was at each other’s throats to...THIS!  It was a really peaceful and serene place and Josh kind of wanted to stay there BUT he knew he couldn’t and his sole purpose this time was to chat with the Leader which was Eiichi.  Suffice to say that even though Eii might have a very “interesting aura” at times when it came to meeting Joshua then he and the rest of HEAVENS were very cordial and orderly with him.  This wasn’t unlike the other two but something about this place felt...different! A meeting with Raging kind of confirmed the same thing! See whenever Joshua had to go visit Shining there was a LOUD Aura that smacked you in the face and it wasn’t something he was down with.  When he came into this office he could feel a mildly calmer (if not also slightly darker) atmosphere but they had a very nice conversation to say the least. The idea that Raging pitched was that Joshua would come to work for Raging Entertainment and there was something in Eiichi that could tell that wasn’t going to work...UNLESS! Joshua knew of his contract with Shining Entertainment but was willing to see about becoming a freelancer save for working with Camus.  Raging was okay with that because he knew if Joshua could work a way he wanted to then he might be willing to eventually come and manage HEAVENS which was something that Eii subconsciously wanted.  You can’t get Haruka...get one of the best minds in the world working for ya! Joshua wanted to try something first though The idea was that Raging and Shining would enter into a joint partnership to see if that would help HEAVENS also.  Well it DID for a little while but after some behind the scenes BS involving Shining sabotaging HEAVENS Josh got fed up and ripped up the agreement and walked out on Shining with Raging and HEAVENS in tow.  Now he didn’t think ill of STARISH or QN because of this and still worked with Camus when he could but he knew he needed to get HEAVENS to STARISH’s level because otherwise they would have problems! Now Joshua still works as one of the hottest commodities not only as a Manager but as an idol as his concerts regularly sell out when he does them...and its not that many really! The BIG concert he does every year is Christmas and lately HEAVENS is becoming more and more a big part of the show with him as the presence of his “Boys in Blue” starts to really penetrate the crowd and its something that he really enjoys ESPECIALLY when it comes time for their big time! Now Joshua works as a freelance idol and a manager for one of the biggest underdogs in the J-Pop scene...and that is just the way he lived his life!

[mfmagazine]

Kalliopi

Article by Erik Schultz

From reading your bio it seems that theater has been a huge part of your life. Have you always wanted to be on the stage in some form?

Being on stage makes your heart beat real fast and you feel you do something very full of meaning. However, I find singing gives me much more of a thrill. It's exciting, energizing and lots of fun.

You have acted in a couple TV series. What was that experience like? Is that something you would like to do more of?

Actually two of the TV productions were televised theatrical plays, which were well rehearsed and found very easy to do and act on camera. Of course I would love to do more for TV and even more for film, especially comedy, parts that have a funny and crazy side.

Have you done any actual TV style sitcoms or dramas? You said you would like to do comedy, what shows do you enjoy?

No, I haven't really been in an actual TV style sitcom or drama; I was given the chance a few years ago but didn't have time to do it unfortunately...

I like Friends, The Nanny, Cheers, and Sex and the City of course!

How do you balance theater and music?

For the moment music is the most important thing, a kind of secret mission that I need to accomplish somehow. There's a lot I have to work on and develop as a performer and songwriter, so I am focusing on the music and try to take it forward as much as I can.

When did you decide to pursue a career in music?

Being part of a band in Greece called Minima, with very good musicians who were also the musicians of Christos Dantis, I started writing and co-writing songs (music and lyrics) which I found extremely creative and fulfilling and also a great way to do something of my own.

What kind of success did minima have?

As a band minima we had the chance to tour with Christos Dantis, so we were starting to emerge among other already established and well-known bands but all this met a number of obstacles and problems and had to stop as the band split up.

What was it like working and touring with Christos Dantis?

That brings to mind a song by Bryan Adams - Summer of '69, where it says "those were the best days of my life"! We had a great time; Christos is an easy-going, cool guy with enormous talent. We traveled around, saw beautiful places, sometimes we would play live in a festival that took place next to a river or on a beach.

Has it been hard to break into the pop scene coming out of Greece?

It's a very long process and a hard one too! It takes time to meet the right people, musicians, rehearse and put your act together. I had to adjust to new things, different audience. I roughened up the sound and tried to work my way to more rocky stuff.

Where do you find your influence for songs?

It can be something personal, a situation, a memory, past experience or something I have read in a book, magazine, article, a word or a phrase that will spark up a story.

Who are some of your musical influences?

PJ Harvey, Madonna, U2, Rolling Stones.

What artists would you like to tour with or collaborate with?

With Anastacia!

What are your plans for coming to America?

I will try to book some dates and play live, probably acoustic maybe in the next few months.

What are you looking forward to about playing in America and trying to break into that scene?

Just have a chance to visit America from time to time, find more opportunities for work and maybe meet some of the legends of music!

How has the Olympics effected live in Greece? Do you have any big plans for the Olympics?

I'm sure there's lots happening but being away for a year now my big plan is to spend a few weeks in Greece, go on holiday and see the Olympic Games.

Is there anything special you want to see at the Olympics?

Beach volley, water polo, 200 meters and anything else I can find tickets for!

What is your take on the current American politics and the War?

America is a great country that has nurtured huge talent; images of war don't really belong in this picture.

What are your three biggest pet peeves?

1) People being jealous and trying to make you feel guilty for what you are.

2) Being extremely meticulous and picking on little things and non-important faults - being a perfectionist.

3) Making promises that one is not able to realize.

If you were on a deserted island who would you like to be stranded with and what four CDs would you want with you?

Stranded on an island with Bono from U2!

I'd make sure I have the best of Michael Jackson, U2, Led Zeppelin and Immaculate of Madonna.

You seem to be influenced a lot by Bono. What do you draw from Bono?

I like his voice very much; he writes great songs and sort of combine's earthiness with spirituality as an artist, he's got everything.

What is your ideal musical situation, i.e. solo, full band?

For the moment being a solo artist is quite convenient, gives me freedom of choice but things might have to change in the future.

It seems like you stay busy with various groups and theater. Where do you want to see Kalliopi in three years?

On a world tour!

What do you think of shows such as Pop Idol and American Idol?

I haven't really watched these shows. I feel they can be a bit cruel and traumatic, but who knows if you're a unique talent can be a window to the world.

If you do not watch reality shows what do you watch?

I try not to watch too much TV and usually only watch movies, documentaries and TV series.

What else would you like folks in America to know about Kalliopi?

Kalliopi is a name from Greek Mythology and one of the nine muses. I was named after my grandmother but all my family and friends call me Kelly since I was a child. I have traveled to America twice on vacation and been to the West Coast, Las Vegas, Texas, New Mexico and New York. I have loved it and it reminded me a lot of Greece. It would be great to make friends there and meet people who will love my music.

[larissatandyofficial]

NEW MUSIC COMING ON MAY 25, 2020

In a few days I’m releasing a new “track” with some friends. I didn't refer to it as a “song” just now because even though I wrote lyrics and melodies for it, the structure is a little different to what I think of as a “song”. It's just one track, and it's an excursion to a different place for me. You’ll see. 

Every release marks a point in the timeline of in your career and it’s hard to avoid stepping back and looking at it. This will be the first thing I release since 2017, when I put out the record I made in 2015. It featured songs I played live since 2011, most written around 2010, some around 2008, and some traceable back to 2004 or earlier. Crazy, given how many songs I actually write, but I guess it's true - life IS what happens while you’re busy making other plans. Releasing music has always been my other plans, and life has been me working a day job, touring a few months a year (god I miss touring), and writing every day, occasionally working up enough steam to get into the studio with other musicians to commit some of my songs to a hard drive. Only a fraction of the songs I’ve written have ever made it out to the world. 

This week I found a folder called MASTERS. I downloaded, unzipped, and found a trove of unreleased songs. I pressed play, and fell into the rabbit hole. Before I’d even reached the end of the first verse of the first song, a lump showed up in my throat. Here were all these moments, as great now as they were when they were made. The soaring harmonies that seemed like magic to me back before I understood how harmonies work, still lifted me. My voice, so young and rough, from when I was a much worse singer with a very australian accent (where did it go?) and my mind was less educated (and more free!). And the guitar playing I miss so much - my brother Ryan before his ears forced him to quit playing and take up a career in engineering - so groove-y and expressive. The way he drifts, then locks on and lets go - it’s like he’s driving slowly, squinting, looking for the turn, and then the moment he sees it, turns quickly and hits the gas. All of these moments are buried in these recordings that only I have heard. 

It’s not because I’m some kind of perfectionist. It's just that I’m constantly pulled in different directions. Music is my safe haven, but it also causes me a lot of anguish, because I never have the resources to get things done. I’m always too busy paying the rent and nourishing other people's dreams. So while it was a joy to find this treasure, the anguish wasn’t far behind, in hot pursuit of my happiness. I daydreamed for a moment about releasing these songs, and before I’d even completed the thought, that vague hope transmuted .I started to fret about the queue of unreleased music, and where this stuff sits in that ever growing line, along with the songs i recorded in Nashville and Memphis in 2017, and the soulful folk record that is slowly filling up another hard drive right now. As the queue gets longer, the anguish finds more to feed on.

I tried to address the anguish last year. Tired of spinning my wheels, I took some good advice from my wife - to take a break. Not from music, but from trying to make a decision. Over the years she has watched as my excitement about songs was robbed by what we call “The Loop”. Originally the Loop was just excitement turning into frustration when I couldn’t come up with an achievable plan to get something I’d written out into the world. But the Loop got bigger over time, and the self criticism more total. The Loop now turned excitement about a new song into the sound of coins clinking down the drain as my expensive US visa works its way to expiry, it made me imagine tumbleweed accumulating on the inroads I’d made in Nashville, where I’d started to build a writing career off the back of the few things I had released, and the Loop reminded me that even though other artists had started recording and releasing songs i’d written,  my own plans had been delayed over and over. The Loop told me everything I wanted was getting further out of reach, and turned my love of writing songs into a gateway to feeling terrible.

I drew a flowchart on the wall of my kitchen, hoping to identify the problem and maybe a solution. But every trip through the flow, every option, led me back to the same thing.. No money, no time. It didn’t matter how easily I could record at home, I’d still have to pay someone to mix it, because the songs need to sound good and I’m not a great mixer. I could get good at it, but that would take time which is already limited, and whatever time I do have, I want to spend extracting songs from myself because I only have one goal in life: to have something to show for all my ideas. The flowchart helped me identify that at least, but still left me wedged between feeling terrible if I write songs and terrible if I don't. 

So when a friend - a beatmaker and DJ, reached out and asked me to work on a track with her and another friend, I jumped at it. I could just write, and sing a bit, and we’d put it out quickly since they’d help bring the track to completion. I wouldn’t be solely responsible for driving the project across the line, and i’d have some new music to share in the first half of this year, even if it was just a single track. It might even boost my momentum and desire to keep releasing things. I jumped in. 

I didn’t think too hard about the fact that it was House music. Sure, it’s a world away from the music I release and perform, but it doesn’t feel foreign to me. Long before I worked out I was a writer, I did my time in the club. Chewing my cheeks and dancing til morning to avoid that enormous hole in my soul, the one that would eventually be filled with songs when I found my way back to playing guitar. And once we got to work on the track, I started to feel like I was making peace with my past, like all that avoidance hadn’t just been years wasted in a dark room - it meant something, it amounted to something. I’m still that person, and that person was me, and who I am now was always there, even back when she felt lost and the club was the only place I knew to look for her.

Hopefully, doing something so different doesn’t alienate the people who have been brought into my life with the music I’ve released so far. For me, this has been a fun trip, and a chance to blow out some cobwebs while locked down during a global pandemic. There are whole albums worth of songwritery music made with guitars coming down the line, I promise. Thank you for being patient with me while I bring them slowly into the world. 

In the meantime, I made you something to dance to. 

[givencontext]

Self Help Fest

In the first half of this year, I read 27 books. Twelve of those were non-fiction books that I think qualify as “self help.” Maybe a better way of describing these books is to say they are for my personal or professional development, but isn’t that just trying to put a spin on the fact that I am, in fact, trying to help my Self. I have always enjoyed this type of book ever since I read I’m Okay, You’re Okay in high school. I have seriously considered joining or starting a Self Help book club. Here are the books and how much they helped me. (All book title headers in this post are links!)

  Sabbatical from YES by Christi Daniels

This book is written by my dear friend Christi. She’s an amazing woman who has found her calling helping other women tap into their own amazingness. I have worked with Christi’s coaching before and I feel like I am pretty good at saying NO, so I wondered how much more I could gain from reading her book. Lots! This is a workshop in book form and it will be as helpful as you let it be by taking her advice and trying out her suggestions. Will your family think you are crazy if they walk in while you are practicing your power pose? Just explain that they should try it too! One of my favorite sections is when she contrasts synthetic vs true pleasure. I believe her when she says we all need an infusion of vitamin P (pleasure.) She says,”It is our right and duty to soak up as much real and sacred pleasure as we can.” Yes, please! Sometimes in life we just need a reminder or “permission.” Granted! So many yummy tidbits in this book. Get it, do the work, see for yourself!

You Are a Badass Every Day by Jen Sincero

This book is meant to be a daily reader that you peruse and ponder, but I got it from the library, so I only had 14 days to read it. This is the third Jen Sincero book that I’ve read in the past year-ish. Last year I read both You Are a Badass and You Are a Badass at Making Money I think the money one was my favorite, because it had less rehashing of some of the same “positive vibe” stuff that I get from a lot of sources. It’s always good to have those positive vibes reinforced, but there does tend to be a lot of overlap in this genre. The money making perspective was a refreshing change. And we have to change the way that we as women think and talk about money. I can’t recall if Sincero gives the old “latte” advise or not, but at least she’s a woman talking about money. #props The Every Day book is nice short snippets and my favorite piece of advice involves driving away from civilization, rolling up your car windows, and screaming bloody murder at the top of your lungs for three whole minutes. Try it.

Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin

This is another of my annual re-reads. This book had a profound effect on my life a few years ago and put me in the right frame of mind to start Bright Line Eating. Understanding myself as a Rebel help me feel less frustration with myself. BTB also introduces a lot of either/or scenarios that help me understand more about myself and others. For instance, did you know we aren’t all morning people? Did you know it’s easier for some people to abstain from something entirely (like sugar) than it is for them to moderate their intake? I’ve been through this book 3 or 4 times now, but I always benefit from listening to it again.

The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin

This is a newer book where Gretchen takes a deep dive into each of her Four Tendencies. You get further details on the strengths and weaknesses of each tendency, and explanations of how those two are usually the same thing. There are also great tips on how your tendency typically interacts with others in certain relationships. For instance, my spouse is also a Rebel… I gained some valuable insight there! This one really begs to be owned as a sort of reference manual. You will want this at your fingertips for when you are trying to figure people out. Rubin is good about reminding us that this is only one aspect of a person’s personality, but it covers a lot of ground. Start with Better Than Before, then this one. You can thank me later.

Dark Horse by Todd Rose and Ogi Ogas

Dark Horse was recommended to me because of my aforementioned Rebel tendency. This book is about people who work around the “standardization covenant” to pursue fulfillment and thereby gain their own version of “success.” I loved it, but one time through is not going to be enough. Originally, I got DH from the library, but soon I was downloading it from Audible so I can listen on repeat until it all sinks in. This is a different paradigm and there are a lot of deep-seated ideas that are hard to overcome, even if they are making us miserable. I am one of those people who has no idea what my purpose in life is, so I need to spend a lot more time on that chapter about micro-motives. If you are unhappy with the daily grind, I highly recommend this one for you.

Get Your Sh*t Together by Sarah Knight

The best thing about this book was that it really made me feel like I have my sh*t together. I think the target audience for this book is slightly younger than I am. Obviously I chose this book because I felt like I needed to get it together, but much of the advice was stuff I could put a check mark next to because I am already doing it. My least favorite part was probably the section giving weight loss advice from someone who hasn’t had a real struggle in this area. The “all things in moderation” advice is out of date. Sarah Knight needs to read Better Than Before and recognize that people are different and what works for some people won’t work for all people. She also gives the “skip the latte” line around money and goes into great detail about how this will get you where you want to go. F that! She doesn’t claim to be an expert in nutrition or finance, so these sections are basically the same-old-same-old regurgitation of the same old advice that hasn’t helped you yet if you are reading a book looking for advice on those things… I do think there is some good stuff in here, especially for people who are able to separate the wheat from the chaff and decide which tips will get them closer to their personal goals. My favorite take-away was the What/Why method… and feeling much better about how together I am. Thank you, Sarah.

The Power of Style by Bobbie Thomas

When I was at the library (one of my happy places) to work on my First Quarter Goal Review, I was pulling books off the shelves that had images that inspire me and reinforce those goals. While I was looking for books on design, architecture, art, and beauty this book called out to me. I took it to the table where I opened and arranged various books while filling out my planner then when it was time to go home I took this book with me. I do not consider myself a stylish person. Having lived nearly all of my adult life overweight, my style has always been if-it-fits-and-it’s-cheap-buy-it. I did have some fun experimenting when I subscribed to Gwynnie Bee for several years, but as soon as I cancelled that I quickly went into “black pants” mode. Bobbie Thomas promised to help me with that, and I like her approach. We often hear that we should dress for the job we want to have, but Bobbie proposes that we dress as the person we want to be. My only problem is that I seldom want to be the same person two days in a row. This book made me think about my style, but I did not become anyone’s favorite style icon overnight. Baby steps, right? I am thinking of investing in some florals. Stay tuned.

Radical Candor by Kim Scott

I mostly skimmed this one, and I never do that with a book. I would suggest getting the Cliffs Notes version of this one. If you like podcasts, they have one. I felt like I didn’t need so many examples. There’s some good stuff in here, but some people will need personality transplants to make it happen. I might be one of those people. I have to admit that this book sparks my perfectionist tendencies and makes me want to analyze every word I say to everyone at work. That’s no way to live.

Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson

This one might not really be a self help book, but Lawson does give some advice for how to live a happy life. Some of the stories are just hilarious. I appreciate Jenny’s candidness about her struggles with mental illness. That is what drew me to this book. That being said, there were at least two things in the book that I think I would have kept to myself if I were her. She didn’t. She lays it all out. I think my favorite take-away from this book was not something of Jenny’s but something that she shares that Neil Gaiman said to her. Of course I’m dreadfully jealous that she gets to say “my friend, Neil” but when she was freaked out and feeling inadequate to the task of reading her own audiobook, he told her to “pretend you’re good at it.” Brilliant!

For other references to Neil Gaiman, who I have talked about in my blog more times than Oscar Wilde, so I should probably change my answer on that “favorite author” thing… I mention him in posts here, here, and here, so far. Sadly, my only reference to Oscar Wilde was here.

Authentic Happiness by Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D.

I don’t remember many details about this book, but I gave it four stars on Goodreads, so I must have liked it. Seligman is a big name in positive psychology, so he’s a good resource for this kind of stuff. I think he is so often referenced that I had heard most of his main points before, which may be why I have trouble recalling them now. It can’t hurt to have a refresher on how to actively pursue happiness. I might have to give this one another go.

Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill

I talked about this book in my post about Audiobooks I Solemnly Swear to Listen to Once Each Year and I started the year with it. I know this book is a little dated, but it has been the go-to resource for everyone who writes books about money, so this gets straight to the source material. My current employer is also one of the great American success stories, so I totally geek out on that part every time. Perhaps my favorite thing about this book is that Hill acknowledges that there’s very little relationship between hard work and monetary reward. I subscribe to the “everything doesn’t always have to be hard” and “flowers don’t *try* to bloom” philosophies. I still think this book is worth repeating until I finally get that mental shift he prescribes. Old ways of thinking die hard.

Dare to Lead by Brene Brown

I like what Brene does, and this book takes some of her best stuff and applies it where it is sorely needed – the workplace. She talks about shifts that need to happen in workplace/corporate culture to make it more conducive to courage and vulnerability. She doesn’t say it, but can we just admit that she’s talking about doing away with toxic masculinity and having a more inclusive culture? Yes, please, thank you. There is also some really good stuff in here about what leadership means and that you do not have to be in a position of authority to be a leader. Years ago when I was a supervisor, I went through a frustrated phase at work. Somehow I got the idea to tell myself every day when I got in the car: I’m not going to work, I’m going to lead. It changed how I viewed my daily responsibilities and was very quickly reflected in my attitude and performance.

Brene also suggests thinking about your core values and narrowing them to just two main ones to focus on. If you read this post, you know that I already have mine narrowed to three. Call me a Rebel, (a la, The Four Tendencies mentioned above,) but I am going to keep all three of mine. It is a good reminder to have a couple (or a few) things to use as filters for what gets into your life. This leads us to BOUNDARIES. When you know your core values and keep them simple, it’s easier to set boundaries and hold yourself and others accountable to maintaining them. This is a fantastic book for an office book club. Highly recommend.

Leave a comment to let me know your favorite self help book or a recent one you have read.

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[thegardensstory]

12/29/18

I have a year’s worth of content to condense in a short blog, so I will do my best to describe my life since last December! 

2018 was an amazing, crazy, fun-filled, hard, challenging, beautiful, awful, wonderful, interesting, lovely year. Everything from sickness, to marriage, to new jobs, moving, to graduating...my life will never be the same after 2018. 

To begin, I found out I had adrenal fatigue which lead to a multitude of new symptoms, appointments and Web MD-ing my pain. It has taken all of 2018 to figure out my physical ailments were all stress related. Come to find out, stress can actually make you feel like you are having a heart attack. The last 2 years of my life have been full of anxiety and heart palpitations. After shifting my diet more times than I can count on one hand, getting a multiple of different parts of my body checked, hormone tests, blood work, etc...STRESS was the monster inside of me. I have been on a new journey of recovery now that the wedding and school is over (which I will talk about later) but for now, it is relaxation time. I am thankful for my husband who supports and provides for me in this season where I am only working part-time so I can heal, and we are doing very well for ourselves. 

I moved 3 times this year. First, I moved off of campus into an amazing home with a couple I go to church with. Actually, the husband is an elder on the board of directors at the church I work at...no pressure...it was an honor to live in such a beautiful home. I was well taken care of and loved. But of course, living in a home you, for one, know is not permanent, and two, is not YOUR home, through the love and food and care, it can still feel uncomfortable. I loved living there for the summer, especially because they allowed me to stay during the semester before the wedding. I was truly blessed. But as most things are not perfect, it had its up and downs for me. I naturally like my space, and home has been a hard thing to have (moving 2,000 miles away from HOME and all) living in dorms, moving every year, and knowing I was about to get married, it made living in a temporary space impossible to be comfortable, even if it was the best scenario for me. God blessed me a bunch, but my body would not totally allow me to feel safe and adjust. 

I started a new job this summer as Living Streams’ Youth Worship Coordinator. This was an awesome blessing to me and my wallet (I promise...I do not do ministry for the money...) My job is to oversee the worship leaders that are put into rotation in High School, Jr. High, and now Children’s. I have an awesome power team I get to lead that totally crush scheduling and loving on students. If there is anything I have learned over the last year in this job is having HARD CONVERSATIONS. Geessh...you really can’t get away from them. Honestly though, I love GCU, but I have learned incredible things under the people that lead me at Living Streams that are valuable diamonds for my work ethic and also just my adulthood. We also led an epic second local worship conference this year DWELL where I had the privilege of leading worship AND speaking for a small group break out session. It was a blast, and I felt so in my element. I had the honor of leading the worship for VBS which was a long week of screaming children and messy sweaty worship sessions. It was LITERALLY....the best. I love my job and the people I work with...God has completely placed me exactly where I need to be. I just recently got a raise which is amazing and I am very thankful for. I am looking forward to all the things we get to do at Living Streams in 2019.

After the wedding I moved in with Tad in his apartment he had since January. Our lease ended this month (December) and for awhile after the wedding thought we might stay. But after prayer and consideration, we knew it didn't feel like home, was too small for the two of us and our stuff, and was too pricey for what it was. Within a week we searched, toured, signed the lease and payed for a new apartment. And in the words of the great Stefon from SNL “This...place...has....everything!” From mountain views, a fireplace, a microwave that actually is installed above the stove, to two bathrooms and bedrooms, a dreamy porch, great air flow, natural lighting...and the best of all..SILENCE. We love it here. It has been such an amazing place for Tad and I to start our life together. Even if it is a little temporary...

I graduated college on December 14th, and we moved right away on the 15th. You could say that the word “overwhelming” would be an an understatement. I felt as though I would collapsed and have a panic attack, but the Lord kept me sane with His Grace. With a new marriage, heart palpitations, holiday stress, a new degree and packed boxes in my hand, you could say I was a little freaked out. But...GOD BLESS OUR PARENTS...AM I RIGHT?! Geesh. The things Tad and I have put our parents though this year is nuts. Marriage (including two other receptions in California and Michigan) graduating, christmas...they don't need anymore surprises or life changes any time soon. Tad and I deciding to do all the big life events at one time is a blessing and a curse, but I wouldn't change the last year for anything else in the world. 

And marriage...WOW. Marriage. What a gift it has been. The first three weeks of our marriage were really amazing, really hard, and really weird. I think he would argue that they were perfect, but thats because Tad is so much more optimistic that I am. I tend to be a little perfectionistic...

There were things people didn't warn us about. There were things we just had to learn and try and fail and do and try and fail and fail again...which is the point I guess. You choose this one person to mess up and rule the world with. And I do believe there is no one better for me to take on the world with than Tad. He is an absolute dream. He has the heart of the Father. A heart that is ever faithful to my fleeting ways. Faithful to me in the fear that attacks me with the perfectionistic ways that I exhort when I hit bumps in the road or face new trials. He is a rock. I am so lucky to be the one who gets to know everything about him. Marriage has been so amazing, and even in the parts that suck, it still it so sweet. I know...Im like, 2 months married...whatever...but I believe we are something special and that the Lord is smiling down on us. We love our life, we love our new home, we love each other. What more do you need? 

Needless to say, my life has been HECTIC this past year. I don't presume 2019 to be anything crazy or wild or epic like this past year...and that is FINE by me. I think having a year of “boring” will suffice. I enjoy the days I do nothing but clean the apartment, welcome Tad home, and we watch Parks and Recreation. I enjoy playing video games with him, opening our Lego Advent calendar, reading and learning new things and just simply talking. Those have been my favorite moments, just being. I hope to have so many of them as Tad and I venture next year. 

I pray that whatever 2018 brought you, drug you through, handed to you, thrown at you...you took with ease, grace, and might. If it was good year, praise the Lord and carry that passion to next year. If it was a hard year, dust it off, wash your face, get back on your feet, and still praise the Lord. He is mighty in the good and bad. 

May your 2019 be filled with the peace of God that passes all understating. May he shower you with grace, wisdom, unsurprising discernment about your year and family, and love that abounds in the deepest depths. May you see more of Him this coming year. May he show himself in your everyday, and that you experience him in more ways than you ever have before. May he work through you in everything you do, touch, and say. 

Blessings, Eden Scritchfield-College Graduate, Wife, Youth Worship Coordinator