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neverisalongtime-ja-blog · 8 years

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Chapter 8: Back to LA

Hello everyone! I hope you all are having a great week!

It’s Thursday and that means another chapter so here it is.

Remember to follow Anastasia on Instagram because I have no life.

Anastasia_Truman

Much love to you all! ❤️️

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Read chaper 7

It was mandatory for Anastasia go to yoga classes every morning with Hannah when she was in Los Angeles, that day was no exception. After the class both friends agreed to go for breakfast. They were in a very small but pretty place that served organic food which was Hannah’s favorite.

- You should try bacon sometime – Anastasia said – fat is good – She hadn’t had time to talk to Hannah about what happened with Josh so she was dying to do it.

- I have to tell you that I invited Carrie for breakfast – there was Hannah killing all possibilities of a good talk – She is actually really nice and has become closer these days you all were out.

In that moment Carrie entered the place. She was actually a stunning girl, tall, fit with long blonde hair and dark eyes. She was wearing jeans and a spaghetti strap top, she looked like a model.

- It’s so bad Josh has to tour some more days before I get to see him – Carrie complained.

- So you two are going strong – Anastasia said.

- Yeah I guess. It is hard to tell when I never get to see him. But I can’t wait for August, we planned a whole week in Bali and I can’t wait to go!

- Bali? Josh doesn’t seem to be like the type of guy that goes to Bali on vacations – Anastasia said annoyed.

- I know! It was hard to convince him but I always wanted to go.

- And how long have you and Josh been dating?

- It is pretty recent. That night we went to see you play was our first date!

- Cool! And what do you like to do? Do you have a job? -Anastasia said and Hannah laughed a little bit, she knew what Anastasia was doing.

- No. I don’t have a job now. I quit my last one in a record store. They wanted me to work on weekends and I like to party so… but it was there where I met Josh. I didn’t know who he was but my boss asked him for an autograph and I thought “he must be famous” so I chased him! What about you? Your band is your work I guess – she asked to Anastasia.

- Yes. But I have a record label too so I have to take care of that once in a while, plus all the records I produce and all the songs I write for other artists.

- Wow, that is a lot of work. Do you ever take days off?

- I think about that sometimes, but then I get in my own Porsche and drive to my own house in the hills that I paid with my own effort and look at my glorious pool while taking a sip of a very expensive wine that I can buy because I work hard for that and think “This is better than a million trips to Bali”. But I went there last year for a couple of days and it’s beautiful. You should visit Fiji too. Went there when I was 22, the water is crystal blue and the sun shines and it's amazing, but you know what place is really good? Berlin, Amsterdam, Madrid, Paris, any place in Europe with all that culture and those museums. I try to go to Europe once a year. This year we went because of work but I still enjoyed. Believe me, I enjoyed! – Anastasia said remembering Josh and Russia- What about you? Have you been in a cool place like that?

- I never left California before – she said ashamed.

- Yeah I could tell – Anastasia said taking a sip of a green juice that was disgusting - I'm telling you, Hannah, you need to try real food sometime – Hannah laughed.

Carrie excused herself saying that she had some things to do and left the place. Anastasia couldn’t take it anymore and told Hannah about what happened in Russia.

- Why didn’t you tell me anything? – Hannah said.

- I was going to… today. But I didn’t know you two were friends.

- We aren’t friends; she’s just nice with Josh’s friend’s girlfriends. She wants to fit in.

- Had I known that he was still with her and that it was this serious I wouldn’t have kissed him.

- I can only tell you that what Josh feels for you is real, An. He always talks about you even in Carrie’s presence. I think she wanted to come have breakfast with us because she wanted to get to know you but you killed her with those words.

- I’m hurt, Hannah – Anastasia said – love sucks.

Obviously Anastasia’s next step was to run to Mandy’s house and tell her everything.

- Something is not quite right here, An – Mandy said – Josh doesn’t seem like a guy that would do things like this and, man, every time I see Josh he asks about you, and you had to see the way he looked at you during this month that we’ve been touring, and besides that, Josh is not a guy that goes to Bali on vacation. London, Amsterdam, even Greece would be more believable.

- The thing is, when he led me to that bed for sex he never stopped and said “by the way, I have somebody back home”.

- Because maybe he doesn’t think that way. We all know how men in this business are, Anastasia, but once they find the perfect girl they forget the rest of the sluts. How many bitches did we have to take out of Nick’s way before he found Claire? – Claire was Nick’s long time girlfriend. – And as I told you, something is not quite right. What if she is making up this world with him in her head and reality is not like that? She even said that she found out he was famous and chased him. She is just another California girl trying to get out and have good pictures for her Instagram. Relax and when you see him tell him how you feel.

- You know I'm not good with that.

- Then call him. Text him! I don’t know. We are doing it tonight! They are in Japan so we have to get the timing right but even if he is sleeping and we wake him up I don’t give a fuck. We won’t allow another man to hurt you.

- She went from understanding him to “that bastard” real quick – said a voice behind Anastasia, it was Peyton, Mandy’s boyfriend, entering the kitchen.

- I’m going to stay at An's house tonight. Is that okay? – Mandy asked Peyton.

- Sure babe! – He said after sharing a kiss – I have a hard training today so I probably will come back late. See you tomorrow! Bye An!

- Bye Peyton – She said weaving her hand.

Anastasia spent all afternoon thinking about the whole situation. She didn’t know if she actually wanted a real relationship with Josh, she only knew she liked him and that he made her feel good but going further wasn’t something she felt right at the moment. Once in Anastasia’s house the girls grabbed a wine bottle and sat in the living room to talk.

- I was thinking that… - Anastasia started to say.

- An, don’t think! – Mandy said

- Listen! I was thinking that I don’t want to go crazy with this. Maybe I shouldn’t tell him anything because I don’t really know if I want a serious relationship with him.

- So are you just gonna have fun with him?

- Not like that. I’m just gonna let time do its thing and if Josh is for me then he will be, and if he’s not well... Too bad.

- Man! I don’t recognize you right now. So we aren’t going to call him?

- No.

- Am I here for nothing?

- Mandy! You are here for me!

- I know. I was just joking! – Mandy throw herself upon her friend laughing, in that moment Anastasia’s phone started ringing. The girls stood still and saw it was Josh the one calling – Pick up!

- No! I won’t know what to say!

- Pick up! Damn it! Put him on speaker!

- He is calling on Face Time.

- Even better!

Anastasia took her phone and tried to get a good angle. Once she did, she tapped the green button.

- Hi! – She said to the face on the screen – I look like a mess.

- No! You look beautiful as always. How are you? Is this a good time? Is nearly three am here in Japan but I couldn’t sleep – Josh replied.

- Yes! Don’t worry I’m at home doing pretty much nothing.

- Are you alone?

- Of course – she said looking at Mandy.

- I wanted to call you because I need to talk to you about something.

- Is there something wrong?

- I don’t know – he answered with concern on his face – I can’t stop thinking about you. And I haven’t been totally honest with you.

- It’s about Carrie isn't it?

- Wow you really can read minds.

- I went to have breakfast with Hannah this morning and she joined us.

- OK that is weird.

- She wants to fit in apparently.

- That’s the problem with her. Listen I don’t want a relationship with Carrie, she was just somebody to have fun with but she keeps making all these plans and…

- She told me you two were planning on going to Bali.

- See? I don’t want to go to Bali. When I met Carrie I thought I was going to die alone so I took her as a last resort. But then this tour happened and I got closer to you and I don’t want Carrie anymore.

- That makes me feel bad.

- Why?

- I don’t want to be a home wrecker.

- You aren’t. Our relationship is just in Carrie’s head – Anastasia looked at Mandy who moved her lips to tell her “I told you” without making a sound.

- Have you told her that already?

- Yes. But yet she keeps making all these plans and it’s driving me crazy. I just wanted to be honest with you. I don’t want to start this the wrong way.

- The thing is, Josh, I don’t know what I want right now.

- I see. Well as I told you that night in Russia I will wait for you. You’re worth it and I can assure you Carrie is not going to be an issue. I miss you by the way. The tour is not the same and it’s not only me saying that, the rest of the guys miss you all and the crazy things Mandy says – Mandy smiled.

- I miss you all too and I'm sure that Mandy misses you all also, I will let her know – Mandy put both thumbs up and laughed in silence – and, yes, I got to admit I miss you the most.

- Lolla can’t come fast enough. I got to go. It was great getting all of this out of my chest.

- I’m glad you were honest with me. Bye Josh, sleep well.

Anastasia and Mandy shared a glance.

- Men are annoying – Mandy started – fucking hate them. But what can we do if we like dicks so much? – Anastasia started to laugh loud.

- You are crazy. Did I do well?

- You did great! I like the fact that you are going to take everything easy.

- Yes! I've been thinking about it and I don’t really want to rush anything. Let’s see how everything goes.

- I love you!

- I love you too and we finished this bottle already.

A couple of weeks passed and the communication between Anastasia and Josh wasn’t much. She was trying to get her space to think everything through until one night she received a message by Josh.

“Hi An! I hope everything is well. I just wanted to let you know that we are in New York filming a new video and I know your sister Barbara is traveling here to have a small cameo on it so I was thinking you could join her and come here, maybe? I really want to see you”.

She was astonished; Barbara didn’t mention anything about it so she called her first before replying to Josh’s text.

- Ah… why didn’t you tell me that you were going to New York to be in the Peppers video? – She said to Barbara through the phone.

- Because I wanted to stay there until Lollapalooza and surprise you there! Who told you?

- It doesn’t matter. I want to go with you! I’m going to buy a ticket right now – Barbara laughed on the other side of the line.

- You silly, I’m going on private plane! I leave tomorrow at six o clock. Be early on the airport!

She hated getting up so early but she was doing it for Josh. Once with the necessary information she answered Josh’s message.

“That sounds like a plan I can’t refuse. I’ll be there. We leave tomorrow early”.

She hit the send button feeling superior to Carrie because the poor girl couldn’t get into a plane every time she wanted. Then she felt like a monster for having such selfish and pretentious thoughts.

Read chapter 9

#josh klinghoffer #klinghoffer #fanfic #fan fic #fanfiction #fan fiction #rhcp #red hot chili peppers

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melimata613 · 4 years

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Relationship 2016-2018

So, I am going to get a little personal. I am going to describe my last relationship. Something that I hadn’t been super vocal about.

First, we going to backtrack to the year 2015. This was the year that I graduated from Columbia and at that point, I had been single already for 3 years and was getting depressed and feeling hopeless that I wasn’t ever going to find someone. I moved out when I was working 2 part-time jobs and adopted a cat, Galaxy whose 6 now. I wasn’t meeting people I had like in person and someone told me I should try online dating which I was hesitant about. For the first couple of days I was online I realized I was in for a ride. Many of the guys that had shown interest were not the kind I want. They were looking for hookups and quick fucks they didn’t care about me as a person. They didn’t even try to figure out who I was just very aggressive and crude and perverted. I got fed up and I deleted those accounts. I think they were Ok Cupid and Coffee Meets Bagel. Fast forward a year later my life took a bad turn and I was unemployed and depressed because I wasn’t having any luck finding a job, and I pick up my stuff and the cats (at that point I had 2) and slept on the couch at my mom's. This was a really low point. One of my friends, Ariana would come over trying to get me to come up and go to places to meet men cuz we both wanted to be dating. We got ourselves into some silly things but still no luck. So, she and some other people suggested I tried online dating again, just so I wouldn’t be stuck at home hating everything. During this time, I had a few jobs but they all failed. One they were closing down and the other they just never put me on the schedule after the first week. It was bad. The longest-lasting job I had was at a bar which allowed me to go back to my apartment because I had an income again. This is where I downloaded Happn. When I downloaded that app, I was happy to see they ran the app differently than the other dating sites. These were people you had passed doing daily activities and maybe not noticed or had an opportunity to speak to. When I had downloaded it, I had more luck there where I was getting more attention, and guys were having conversations here and there but still, no one was trying to “date me” just wanted a lay. Right when I was about to delete the app, I got notified Bobby had “charmed” me. What that had meant was he saw my profile and liked me and wanted to make sure I had noticed him. Originally, I wasn’t interested. When I saw his profile, I found him quite funny looking and not my type but I had hearted him aka said I was interested back to give him a chance. We started messaging quickly after and he seemed nice and refreshing compared to the others. He asked questions about me personally and seemed to care for me as a person. One thing about me is that I really love cats and always have and sometimes it’s a turn off to men. I was hesitant to tell him I had 2 of them but he started to tell me about his dog and how much that dog meant to him so I figured he was an animal lover and I told him. Almost as quickly as I was getting excited about a possible new chapter in my life it seemed to flash before me when he utters the words “oh I’m deadly allergic to cats”. I remember not knowing what to say or how to feel because I figured that was it. I wasn’t going to hear from him and call it quits but he still persisted and wanted to meet me in person. The following week we agreed to meet at Blaze. I was nervous but hopeful for what was to come but in the back of mind from the moment he told me he was allergic, there was a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Our first date was nice. We talked and learned a little about each other and we decided to walk to Belmont Harbor and just hang outside to talk more where there wasn’t loud music from the restaurant and other people having conversations. At the end of the date, I agreed to let him drive me home even though my cousin always told me never to let your date know where you live until a couple of dates later cuz you don’t know if they are crazy. 😂 funny but it’s true, but I didn’t feel worried I thought Bobby was great and I ride home would be nice cuz it was late. After that date things started to pick up for me cuz I was offered a job and was to start soon. A few months into our relationship I started to see things and feel things that I didn’t vocalize that bother me. For one Bobby who told me he used to live with an ex and had broken up months before we started but still had her things in his apartment. It was strange to me because of the way he described their breakup he wouldn’t gotten rid of it. There was also a time where he has shortened our date for the thing he had “planned with his friend before we started dating “. It was his birthday and we had been together only a few weeks so I didn’t fuss. But the way he said “friend” bothered me and the way he acted when he told me that day before he left to where he was going. Turns out (found out later) his “friend” was his ex but we will get back to that later. For a while, I was happy dating him. I didn’t have any concerns or worries per se but my friends and my mom had questions. For one, I only saw Bobby once a week. He claimed he was a busy person. He had 3 jobs all part-time mind you. One of them was working with his parents with the window company that they owned and ran. He worked 3 days there helping with orders and calls and whatever. His second job was working at a call center in an electronics store Friday and Saturday. And his last job was a once a week gig being a blackjack dealer. In all honesty, he had time to make to see more often but he didn’t. I didn’t realize it until later because I defended him. One thing to know about Bobby is that he’s a huge fucking mama's boy. Like huge. His mom knew everything I had told him and she would often call him when he was with me to have him come over. They saw each other almost daily because Bobby only lives 10 minutes away by car. At first, I found his mama's boy tendencies to be sweet until they weren’t anymore. Our first fight didn’t happen until a year after we started dating which was strange but I didn’t think too much of it. We had gone to Lollapalooza and were sitting outside enjoying the music when I had saw a text he received. It was someone asking him if Sara came back yet. Sara being his ex that he lived with. I was confused at what that text meant. Sara back from where? Why was this person asking Bobby? Does Sara still live at that apartment and Bobby’s been fooling me this whole time? All these questions rattled me but I stayed as calm as could and waited until the festival had ended to address it. A day after the festival Bobby began calling me like he normally did daily but I didn’t answer. I was too riled up. He called multiple times trying to get ahold of me until I finally was like I don’t want to talk to you right now give me time to compose myself to articulate what I wanted to say but he didn’t let me he persisted. We end up having a long conversation over the phone about that text and all the concerns I had regarding Sara who up until that point I wasn’t worried about. She was his past and I thought Bobby cared about me. But Bobby went to explain that Sara’s stuff was at his apartment because “she didn’t have space and was living a trailer park”. That answer didn’t seem right but I didn’t question it further cuz I was thinking maybe Bobby just a nice guy and didn’t want to throw away her stuff or whatever. Again, making excuses for him, I don’t know why. At the end of the conversation, I told him to get rid of her shit because I bothered me it made me think he still had feelings and was holding onto things. He agreed it seemingly felt like her things were gone the next time I went to his apartment. So, before people started to interject... Bobby always came to my apartment. He lived in the suburbs and I lived in the city with no car. I never really question why he was always coming over and me never really going over there. So, like I said when I went over sometime after that fight, I didn’t see anything that was there before that I figured belong to her. So I thought that was finally over until right around the time I was starting to question our relationship I saw items appear that didn’t make sense but we’ll get back to it. After Lolla and our fight, we seemed to be doing well. We were seeing each other every week sometimes more than once which was an improvement but not huge. But again, talking to my friends I realized I didn’t know much about Bobby. Lots of things were not explained or clear to me why he was the way he was. Bobby had told me before when we first started dating that he had some issues. I was thinking maybe he was just a little dramatic until I have seen for myself what he meant. Bobby was very insecure. He’d always fidget with his hair because he hated his receding hairline and his nose. He’d always talked about his teeth even though when I met him, he was already wearing Invisalign. He told me about how much Sara used to make him feel terrible and basically how bad the relationship was. Not so much when we first started but way more after right towards the end. He compared situations we were having and myself to his ex which riled me up. I understood they had a bad relationship and that they had history being that was together for some years but I figured that was the past. But he was still communicating with Sara. I was never clarified how often but Sara knew of me and they still saw each sometimes “because of the dog they shared” the dog peanut that Bobby now owns. Mind you I have my own little issues. I never claimed I was perfect. There are certain things I don’t like about my body or how I look but I didn’t talk about it too much. I tried to understand his medical issues and his personal. I knew he suffered from anxiety and that he didn’t like confrontation. I’m not a huge fan of confrontation myself. But I understand that talking is needed. I tried so many times to talk to Bobby to have him try to explain himself to me. Why he’d spent so much time with his mom and not me? Why he didn’t invite me to family events? Why he didn’t introduce me to more of his friends? Why after 2 years he still hadn’t said he loved me? Did he even love me? Now let’s get to when everything turned to shit. It’s April 2018, and I’m unhappy. I was working 5 days a week and barely making enough to pay rent. I was stressed. I hated my job. I hated my apartment but it mainly cuz I hated my roommates. The two girls I lived with were bitchy and rude. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving my room. My things would be thrown out without warning and my roommates were super passive-aggressive and I confided in him my struggles. He’d told me I was being whiny and that I should suck it up because I wasn’t going to find an apartment, I could afford by myself. That upset me beside the fact I had so many people in my ear asking why he didn’t offer me to move in with him. We had been dating for almost 2 years at this point. He knew I was struggling and we seemed to get along. I defended him and said it was probably because of Sara that he was hesitant to have a woman move in again even though he never said anything. He would change the subject when it was brought up. Even some of his friends asked him to and he didn’t answer. That honestly should have been a big sign that I ignored. May 2018, I had found an apartment with a coworker of mine who knew I was struggling. The apartment was tiny and not ideal but I was desperate to leave were I was. And at this time, I had gotten a 2nd job and had a little more money. This apartment was cheaper so I wouldn’t be as stressed. Bobby was upset that now I had less free time but I didn’t understand why he would mention that since he never made a huge effort to see me more anyways. Bobby helped me move, which was appreciated. I was trying to hopeful and positive but deep down I felt something was off. I knew we needed to break up. I’ve been feeling it since April when he was harsh about my situation. But my birthday was coming and our anniversary maybe things could take a turn for the better. I had spoken to Bobby and told him I needed more effort. I needed him to be more assertive and open. We had another fight right before he helped me move where I almost told him it was over but I held it in cuz I kind of needed his help to move. June 2018....Right before my birthday, we had another fight. We had gone to a concert by my favorite artist and he was being a Debby downer. He criticized everything and was on his phone the whole time. He acted like such an ass. And at the end of the night, I somehow lost my wallet and when I freaked out and was looking for it, he was an ass then too. He was annoyed and so was I and I even told him to leave. He ended up spending the night but it was awkward. Bobby showed some innovative when he had birthday plans set up for me. We were to go on a Segway tour and do a plant craft later on in the day. It was nice. I had fun but again a gut-wrenching feeling never left. The night ended with a quick but sucky lay and he left shortly after. I felt disgusting. He told me he couldn’t stay because he worked the next day 🙄. Our anniversary was just a few days after my birthday, June 16. When that day came around, I had planned to stop by his job to surprise him with a DIY gift I made. And we had planned way back to go for a weekend getaway the weekend following because that was Father’s Day weekend our anniversary fell on. Earlier that day Bobby had told me he was feeling sick. And that he was probably not going to be at work the whole time and I had told him he ruined my plan sadly of surprising him. He told me not to worry and that it was a sweet gesture. But something didn’t sit right with me. I didn’t believe him that he was “sick”. From what it sounded like to was a common cold. He said his nose was running and he was coughing nothing too serious that he couldn’t make time to see me on our special day. I didn’t understand how his “sickness” would stop us from celebrating another anniversary. Why I say that was because we didn’t celebrate our first anniversary the day of either. The reason for that one was because he went to an event with his parents in Palatine. Again, nothing huge that would make it excusable to me. He knew that was our anniversary and that I wanted to celebrate. We did celebrate our first one but it was the weekend after. So, I'm getting back to Bobby’s tendencies of being “sick.” He had been “sick” twice before in the two years of us dating. Around the same time too. Coinciding with June and July. The first time he did it was for a couple of weeks. He told me again flu-like symptoms and he was going to spend time at his mom's house in his old bedroom until he felt better. When he was at his mom's house, she would cater to him like he was a young child. Make him sandwiches and cut the crust and all of that. He liked being doted on. Something I am not comfortable doing to a 30 something-year-old grown man who was just my boyfriend. I was very vocal about that. We did communicate while he was there. I even heard that he went out with some friends even though he was supposedly dying from being ill. It bothered me but I thought maybe Bobby just wanted time alone. Why? I don’t know but that was what I had thought. My friends told me to snoop but I didn’t want to. I didn’t believe at the time he was hiding anything or feel I needed to worry. One of many things that bothered me was I felt like Bobby always used crutches. Like he used his anxiety to cover for odd behavior. He’d mention his parents as a form of comfort and often hide there like a child. He would always say we’d talk about things later but we never did. He never told me what his plans were ever. I felt like I wasn’t much of an importance to him honestly looking back. Sooooo.... here I where I am going to break down the last couple events that ultimately what had killed this relationship. Rewind to April/May when I was looking for apartments, and Bobby absent offer for me to move in with him, he did tell me he had a potential apartment. He said Sara’s apartment was going to vacant soon since she was planning to leave Chicago and go to the west coast. He told me he knew it wouldn’t be ideal to live with his ex but it wouldn’t be for long and how my option was low at the point and I was running out of time. I agreed to go. Turns out Sara lived about 0.8 miles away. Just down the street and I didn’t know. I was livid. How long has she been there? How long did he know? How much of my situation does she know? I thought she lived in some trailer park somewhere. Was that a lie? I sat down and spoke to the landlord a strange woman. She told me there were a few options I had. Each one ran a different price, and she told me Sara wanted to meet me. In the middle of our conversation about the apartment, Sara came in. She smiled and looked at me up and down with a smirk and exclaimed she heard so much about me. I was uncomfortable and tried to finish up the encounter as soon as I could. I said I'd get back to the landlord about my decision but I knew I wasn’t going to take it. I was under a time crunch but I knew that it wouldn’t be beneficial for me to be there. I called Bobby when I got back and told him I met his ex. He didn’t really react. He just asked if she was nice. I told him I felt her judgmental stares. I know it only natural to be a little curious about who your ex is dating after you and some thoughts may run through your head but I didn’t like that experience. I was expecting to see her nor did I want to. The weekend before I did move to the apartment, I did choose I spent it at Bobby’s. We hung out so I wouldn’t be in the toxic environment more than I needed. I quickly looked around the apartment to see if anything was odd. There was a shower cap in the bathroom. Which I found odd. I didn’t say anything. And I did still see some of Sara in the apartment. Again, I didn’t say anything but I took a mental note. Flash forward to the time right before he helped me move and I was contemplating ended it. In my head I had all these things stored. His odd behavior. His contact with Sara still. Feminine shit still in his apartment. Lie about where Sara lived. The issues with us in general. But like I said I didn’t end it there. I was going to but I chickened out. I stayed hoping it would get better. I was looking forward to our anniversary even though things were bleak. I went to Michael's to get some craft supplies to work on his gift. I made a mason jar filled with a cutesy thing for each day we were together and I got a GPS print of where we meet framed. And I was planning to surprise him at work with those gifts. But that plan fell through. At first, I was trying to be understanding of him not feeling well but to me, it was too convenient. And the way he responded to my suspicion only made it worse. Now we at the last fight. We were texted each other or calling. I was upset. He then posted on Facebook that he had checked into a hospital. I then asked him how he was and he got all pissy saying I didn’t care he was sick. I asked him after he “gotten better” if we were going to still celebrate our anniversary and he said he didn’t know. I then out of anger removed my name from his “in relationship with” status on Facebook already breaking up with him in my head. I even blocked him on there too planning to not speak with him again but we did. We met up a week later because he still had a part of my birthday gift for me, and he wanted to talk. We went to Evanston. We ironically went to Blaze. We had spoken about how things got out of hand and how he didn’t want us to end that way. He said we could be friends and work our way back to what we were. I was upset and expressed how I didn’t see that it was possible. At this point, we were outside on a patio and I was crying. Embarrassed that I was in a public setting I tried to disguise it as much as I could. After a certain point of us going back and forth I got up at walked away to the train to go home. He didn’t follow but he did half-ass offer to take me home. I didn’t want to be around him anymore. I had reached my limit. He wasn’t showing any emotions and I was and no matter how many times I tried we were having the same arguments and issues. So, a wrap up this is just some closure for me. Enough time has passed and I am currently in a way better relationship and I am happier. But so, some people who read this can learn from my mistakes and my situation. Follow your gut. Don’t let your head tell you something your gut knows better. Don’t be in a half-ass relationship, you deserve the best. Let me know your opinion. Or if you have any questions I could answer.

#relatable #relationship #confession #blog

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polinathinkstoomuch-blog · 7 years

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Day 2/3 - Hallucinations & Realizations

I’m rehashing both days today because I had Tumblr issues (and some dedication to this issues), so I apologize in advance for the length, but you know what, I think the cumulative recap will actually help tie some things together so I'm not really that sorry about it you're welcome.

If you read Day 1, good news, I did resolve to hiking yesterday. Bad news, mistake. Still harboring some insecurities about going out there alone, I walked toward the hiking trail sign and then proceeded to out loud talk myself through it - like cute, bunnies! And where am I going, and I guess this is a trail if I follow the signs and then, completely causally, that’s a coyote. At which point I immediately booked it right back the way I came, looking behind me the entire time to make sure that a DESERT WOLF (spelling is very key here for maximum dramatic effect - a dessert wolf wouldn’t garner nearly as much concern) wasn’t following me. This makes the people I saw night hiking yesterday even crazier. A blind wild mountain pig is one thing - you can probably drop kick it out of your path - but I don’t know what kind of white privilege lets you fuck with coyotes in the dark. I don’t have it. The best part is that everyone else was so nonchalant about it - my mom advised me to just walk behind the other woman hiking; the barista the next day - upon hearing that I saw a coyote - laughed. Like that was the local coyote. Oh Tom, you trouble-maker, when will you learn - that sort of thing. Arizona makes you numb to face-eating wolves apparently.

Instead, I decided to hike the property which is miles upon miles of desert, cactus, prickly tress and walls of khaki and beige. I expected to have a lot of thoughts and emotions hiking, of having the earth unveil itself under your feet - and maybe if I was going up the mountain instead of horizontally - I would have, but I had no thoughts - until about 45 minutes in - at which point I started thinking how do people do 8 miles of this?!?! At two miles in I started hallucinating. Not in the way of seeing bunny rabbits everywhere - although there were rabbits everywhere this is apparently a luxury rabbit farm - but in the way of being completely devoid of anything. It may be the 98 degree heat that literally fogs everything around you to make it seem like time isn’t moving, but also, I think for me particularly, the fact that I’m in a desert. There is something about that land that makes me feel lost; like my car broke down in the middle of nowhere and I’m hiking to what I hope is the nearest gas station and not a the hills have eyes community. It was not for me. So I chose not to hike again during this trip, but instead have committed myself to doing something I surprisingly found way more enjoyable - tanning to music and swimming.

Swimming the first day was interesting because it still brought up some solo guilt. The first time I went into the water it was just me on the right side of the pool, and I enjoyed it some much - more so than I expected since I truly detest the smell and feel of chlorinated water - what I don’t detest is the all over body chill when you glide through the water. When I wanted to go back in after baking in the sun, I noticed a couple in the water and had a moment where I didn’t want to disturb their space - be this object swimming in the parallel lane. That lasted about 3 minutes, but it’s an insecurity that I have in the back of my head - the need to have to explain or apologize for my presence as a “permanently single.” The idea that my body takes up space in an unnatural way. But I slid into that water regardless because I remembered how much I loved it and nothing stops me from reliving the small loves in my life.

On my Day 3 swims (first at the pool then at the spa pool this SPA man, I could move in and live there, more below), I harkened back to a thought I had on Day 2 - which I may have written about and then had promptly deleted in front of my eyes by this website or my laptop or both - that age - for me - is really about sitting into my personality but that doesn’t mean hard headedness to change - but instead a more narrowed focus on what I want my life to look like and who I want to live it as without compromise for expectations. It came from how much easier swimming was today than yesterday’s heavy breathing nonsense, and the difference being focus - of following my hands, watching my palms switch positons, eliminating everything that wasn’t directly in front of me.

Speaking of the spa, man, listen. It was amazing. It was expensive, but it was truly gold. Now I have never had a message before so a full body scrub and hot oil was already going to be a boundary crossing moment for me, but the moment that salt hit my skin and the pressure pushed into my back it was like having everything pushed out of me, without me knowing how much I needed that - even if symbolically. I tend to absorb everything that happens to me - I’m super sensitive sue me; everything good and bad, and just let it sit in my body like a mass and then continue moving with all of it inside me and then just bring it up like leftovers when I can’t find the silence. I call it experience or a reference bank or coping whatever it needs to be for the purpose of explaining it to people, but it’s there, for a lifetime of forgiving but not forgetting and it gets heavy. So to be in a room where everything is designed (both audibly and visually) to remove you from your physical presence there - was such a relief. I felt so clean and warm and comfortable that I felt like I was falling down slowly into a bottomless end - on both the facial and body scrub days. I spent hours HOURS in that spa, reading under the low lights, smelling the incense, listening to the Japanese flutes, drinking crystal water, taking over a cabana, gliding around in mineral enhanced water or whatever they drop into that pool (hopefully not acid), but it’s glorious. And the sheer feeling of being there entirely alone (no exaggeration - I was by myself at the spa pool and the main pool for hours at a time) and feeling settled in my skin to dance, sing along, read a book, swim, all at my own pace and schedule was really freeing and easy.

And that’s how I would describe this entire vacation - easy. It is the easiest vacation I have ever been on. There has been no pressure to do or not do anything. No topics of conversation planned, no responses required, no responsibility for another person’s good time, feelings, thoughts. I was at my own disposal; everything was on my time, when and for how long I wanted to do it and no one made me feel uncomfortable about it and I didn’t feel guilty or obligated back. There were spurts - because phones exist - but for the most part I felt like I didn't have to be accountable to anyone else and that in and of itself was such a break from my everyday life where I don’t want the people I care about to forget. The spa also brought me full confirmation - in the form of an aesthetician - that the natural color of my skin is pale (color you shocked) - so fair, that it reacts to every touch by turning pink. She asked if I blushed when I’m embarrassed. I said I had no idea, I have no shame.

My dad sent me flowers today for my birthday - thanks Dad! Everybody asked who they were from and I’m all my Dad, you know my taste in men, which one of them would have the consideration, the character, the moral and ethical dedication to reciprocity of treatment, would ever send me flowers - especially to a different state, girl please, it’s my Dad. And that’s fine. At least my Dad means it. I remember when a co-worker of mine and I were sitting in my kitchen trying to warm up after we got flooded out of Lolla and he noticed a card I have on my fridge that says happy birthday. He asked me if it was, and I responded that it was from last year’s flowers - I kept it on the refrigerator to remind myself that my parents love me. He laughed because of course your parents love you. But Billy, it’s the only love I value because it’s the only one I can rely on. My parents - suffocatingly so - love me. Care about my well being and my safety and I’m getting a little emotional even typing this - I can’t say the same about anybody else and this is not meant to be insulting or discount the friendships I have in any way, all of which I truly appreciate and put my energy into reciprocating and rewarding as much as and every chance I get, but people have their own lives - they change, they move, they develop different inner circles, their priorities changes, their partner’s priorities change and they leave first in body then in spirit or vice versa. It’s an unreliable moment - that trap door floor is what keeps me independent - its what keep me focused on relying on myself more than anyone else. Other than my parents. I unabashedly need my parents. I need their presence, and their dumb jokes and their uncomfortable friendship with my dog - and I loved seeing those flowers. I love seeing that card every day, and I worry only about being a person that loses their respect and their presence - but truly not much else. So yes, I like the reminder Billy. It pushes me when people live their own lives around me and despite me. I’m going to try to think of a way to get these flowers on board. I’m thinking Ziploc with water - vase in bag - I don’t know. Stay on your toes TSA.

Ugh, and now I have to go back to work in my aggressively air conditioned cubicle including to people that I have let disrespect me in the past from a place where I respect myself. Annoying. Oh well, at least I’ve removed them from my life - even if not from my eyesight - and that’s a big enough step for now. Thanks AZ.

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beautyandbraiiiiins · 8 years

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All about me

1. Name: Jackie 2. Birthplace: Chicago 3. Ancestry: Puerto Rican? 4. Zodiac Sign: Leo 5. Biggest fear: getting sick, snakes, balloons lol 6. Strength/Weakness: organized and I work hard at what I love & weakness, not very artistic like my drawings suck lmao 7. Worst habit: biting my nails 8. Favorite holiday: 4th of July and Halloween 9. Ever been in a car crash: yes 10. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher:no 11. What do you do as soon as you walk in the house: Take off my shoes and jacket(if it's winter) 12. Age at first kiss: 14 13. When did you fall in love for the first time: 16 14. Who Is Your Longest Friend & How Long: Samantha & 8 years 15. Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: lose weight and gain confidence, learn to love myself 16. What were you doing at midnight last night: homework :( 17. When was the last time you laughed hard: yesterday 18. Who was the last person that told you they love you: momma bear 19. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up yesterday morning: fuck school 20. Where did you go for your first date and who was it with: I think Red Robin lmao 21. Who’s wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen: my cousin Melissa 22. Who did you see in concert first: Beyoncé and destinys child 23. Who was your favorite teacher: mr gates 24. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day: mom and sister 25. Who do you think about most: my family and Ava and my man 26. Is your ideal occupation? Pharmacist 27. Beer, wine, or liquor? Wine 28. Favourite restaurant? Chick fil a if that qualifies lmao otherwise chillis 29. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Vanilla or nutty coconut from baskin robins 30. McDonlads or Burger King? McDonald's def 31. Fantasy dinner guest(s)? Ryan Reynolds 32. Have you ever been drunk? When was the last time? Yes and shit a while back I'm not a drinker 33. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done drunk? Pee in an alley.... 34. Wonder Woman or Cat Woman? Cat woman she sexy 35. How many pets do you have? 3 36. What would be the first thing you bought if you won the lottery? My momma a house 37. When was the first time you smoked? Like 16/17 lol 38. Who last sent you a text? Coworker 39. Who did you last send a text to? Mom 40. What 4 things would you take to a desert island? Family obviously, makeup, internet, clothes 41. Name the 3 most important people in your life? Mom, Sara and Ava 42. Favorite song? Rn.. clash by alesso 43. Favorite movie? Transformers 44. When did you last cuddle someone? Today 45. When did you last have sex? Yesterday 46. If you woke up tomorrow with no fear, what would you do first? Get drunk and go on a roller coaster 47. What was your biggest worry five years ago, do you still feel the same about it at this minute? getting sick & yes 48. If you could change one law of your country, what would it be? No guns. Period. 49. What relationships have ended? But you can’t let go? Friendships with girls in highs school 50. Where would you take a road trip? Cali 51. How do Mondays feel for you? Ehh they ight 52. If you could spend ten minutes with your ‘hero’ alive or dead what would you ask them? How do you do it mom? 53. Do your practice ‘self love’ or ‘self loathing’? Self love 54. What’s your greatest achievement to date? Getting into pharmacy school 55. What scares you about your future? Not making it or having a family or getting over my fears 56. Why does pizza come in a square box? Why is the sky blue? 57. What would happen if you knew you could not fail? I'd never stop trying 58. How does it feel to be photographed? Awkward kinda 59. If you could erase an event from your mind, which one would you choose? My grandmas wake :/ 60. Do you want your children (if you have any) to be ‘just like you’? Some aspects of me, yes 61. Do you stand for what you believe in or are you pleasing others? Stand for what I believe in 62. If money were no concern, what would you do for the rest of your life? Make sure my family is happy and healthy 63. What are you thankful for, this moment? Being able to pay all my bills and having an amazing family as a support system 64. Do you have same sex fantasies?no 65. If you have had sex in a public place, where? In the garage? In a car ? 66. Have you ever cried during/after sex? Yes lmao 67. Who is the oldest person you’ve had sex with? 21 68. Who is the youngest person you’ve had sex with? 20 69. Would you rather be in a relationship with a totally submissive partner or a totally dominant partner? Dominant 70. How tall are you? 5'1 71. How much do you weigh? 130 72. What color is your hair naturally? Light brown 73. What size jeans do you wear? 7 74. What is your favorite color to wear? Black, nudes, army green, mauve shades 75. Do you have any piercings? Yes 76. Do you have any tattoos? Yes 77. Do you care how other people see you? Yes 78. Do you like sports? Yes 79. How do you feel about age differences in relationships? Not too old but love is love 80. How do you feel about race differences in relationships? Love it 81. Do you believe in karma or fate? Karma 82. Do you keep a journal? No 83. Describe the last dream you remember: my bf cheated on me with Fiona from shameless 84. Describe your favorite dream: winning the lottery 85. Where are some places you would like to visit? Paris, Italy, London and bora bora and Turks and Caicos 86. Any upcoming concerts you want to attend? Lolla and samf 87. What music do you listen to when you are happy? Rap & r&b 88. What music do you listen to when you are mad? Dubstep 89. Do you like to burn candles or incense? Candles 90. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed? Beer 91. What are your favorite alcoholic beverages? Margarita or moscato lmao typical 92. Do you smoke cigarettes or cigars? What about marijuana? Cigs sometimes like socially and weed barely once in a blue moon if that 93. Who is your number 1 friend and why is he or she there? Sam bc she's awesome and can keep a secret 94. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member? Yes 95. Is there anyone of your friends that you would ever consider having sex with? No 96. Would you ever have sex in the shower or the bath? Yes 97. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex? No 98. Do you think your last ex still wants to be with you? Ehhhh maybe 99. Ever wondered what it would be like dating the same gender as you? Not really 100. What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual people? Don't care 101. How often do you brush your teeth? 2 times a day morning and night 102. How often do you shower? When was the last time you had a shower? Daily and today 103. How often do you shave your legs? Once a week. Not a hairy person lmao 104. Political affiliation? Democratic? Lmao 105. Opinion on abortion? Woman's body, her choice, for it 106. Opinion on immigrants/ immigration reform? Don't wanna get into that 107. Should prostitution be legalized? Fuck no 108. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 18 109. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Bc we have to.. like work 110. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? Judge mental ppl 111. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Giving advice and support 112. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Yes 113. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? Florida bc my dad lives there 114. Why are you the person you are? Bc of my personal experiences and knowledge 115. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Always 116. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Bc they want you to convert? 117. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Do whatever I please 118. Were you happy when you woke up today? Yes 119. What’s a fact about the last person who text messaged you? He's a sweetheart 120. Want someone back in your life? Yes 121. What are you excited for? The weekend 122. Are you scared to fall in love? Sometimss 123. When is your next road trip? Idk 124. What was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Homework 125. Do you like to cuddle? Love it 126. Have you ever kissed more than one person in 24 hours? Yes lol... 127. Plans for tomorrow? School and chilllax lmao 128. Do you care too much/not at all/just enough? Too much 129. How is life going for you right now? Pretty decent 130. If you were offered a shot of whiskey right this second, would you accept? No 131. This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Billy 132. Could you stay in the same relationship for over a year? Yes of course 133. If you could have one super power what would it be? Read pls minds when I wanted to tho 134. Background on your cell phone? A lion 135. What are you thinking about right this second? Not wanting to go back to work from break 136. Last book you read? How was it? Milk and honey & super good 137. What is the last thing you bought? Chocolate covered raisins 138. Do you live with your parents? Yes 139. Have you ever been caught sneaking out? No 140. Have you ever met a celebrity? Yes 141. What are you like when you’re drunk? fun and crazy the good kind 142. What are you like when you’re high? Giggles and relaxed 143. Do you want children? One day 144. Do you want a church wedding?yes 145. How many pillows do you sleep with?3 146. Have you ever been scuba diving? No 147. Who was your first real crush? Omgggg this polish guy named prezemek lmao 148. What are you allergic to? Bullshit 149. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? Not ready lmao 150. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? Girl 151. How did you get your name? Charlie's angels, jaclyn smith 152. Name one thing about your body you love? My ass lmao 153. What is your biggest goal in life? To be happy 154. Do you still have feelings for your ex? Ehh somewhat 155. Do you think aliens are real? No 156. What age did you start drinking? 19 157. What do you think of President Obama? Love him miss him and want him back 158. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Maybe who knows 159. Describe your dream girl/guy? Honest, loyal, creative, easy to talk to 160. Story of your first kiss? In front of my middle school and cried when I got home 161. Story of the first time you made out with someone? It was awkward 162. Story of the first time you had sex? Friends basement -.- horrible but I loved the guy 163. When did you first have sex? Summer 2012 164. First time you gave/ received oral sex? Summer 2012 165. Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to? No he's a nut job 167. Favorite fictional character (movie, book, tv show)? Chuck bass 168. How many followers do you have on tumblr? 15,800 What about twitter/ instagram? 1,344 twitter and ig: 2,500 169. Are you friend with your parents on Facebook? Yes 170. First time you thought you were in love? When did you realize that you weren’t actually in love with that person? High school 171. Do you talk to yourself? To remind my self of stuff yes 172. How old will you be on your next birthday? Twenty fun!!!! 173. How did you meet the last person you kissed? Work lmao 174. Do you have any hickies? No 175. Turn ons? Neck kisses 176. Turn offs? Smelly breath 177. What qualities did you get from your mom? Her body lmao 178. What qualities did you get from your dad? His personality 179. How many siblings do you have? 1 180. Have you ever taken anyone’s virginity? Yes lmao

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