#i remember playing a hip hop song for my dad once and he complained ''he just says the same thing over and over!!''

[shoechoe]

playing rap/hip-hop for family members who like making fun of your music taste and are that "i hate rap i don't consider it real music" type really spotlights how much they do not know anything about or listen to rap and their "criticisms" for it are a bunch of garbage that they wouldn't say about any other music genre

[lyricalimerence]

No Matter The Season - JJ Maybank

a/n: so this is based off the song no matter the season by sara kays, it's an incredible song you should listen to it. this is my first time writing on tumblr so i hope it's okay and y'all like it!

word count: 1879

warnings: little angsty, some fluff, lots of hating on yourself, lack of body confidence

summary: you're insecure and jj lectures you because YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. all of you are beautiful and i know that it's just my word against what you think about yourself, but know that i think you're beautiful so don't beat yourself up or give up on yourself bbys. you're perfect.

i got my long sleeves on. baggy and way too long

The world was spinning on its axis, the sun rose in the east and set in the west, the tides pushed against the shores before being pulled out again. Everything was normal. It was just another day on the boat with the Pogues. Swimming, fishing, drinking cheap beers left over at The Wreck that Kiara’s dad so graciously donated to his daughter’s friend group. It was just another day. But as you stood in the mirror in the bikini Kie coerced you into buying when you two went to the mall as a girls’ weekend, you couldn’t help but notice everything you deemed was a flaw. Every little mark and every curve that was on you but not on Kie or Sarah.

Practically hearing the Pogues start to get antsy for you to hurry up, you reach into your closet and pull out your only warm clothes that were normally preserved for December and January. You let out a shaky breath and held up the hoodie to your torso, itching to just cover up all the insecurities that you have. Throwing the sweatshirt back onto your bedspread, you hold the pair of JJ’s sweatpants that he let you borrow but you’ve never returned, to your waist, remembering how safe you feel when they cinch in your waist and fall down past your ankles.

Dropping the pants to the laminate flooring underneath you, you hug your waist, as you suck in your stomach, feeling a manipulative dosage of serotonin surge through your brain when your arms follow your stomach into your ribcage and your stomach looks thinner in the mirror.

nobody has questions in december, but five months later, all i hear is:

Before you can pull the hoodie and sweatpants on to erase how you truly feel, a quick knock followed by the squeak of your bedroom door hinges rings out, revealing your blond haired boyfriend in your doorway.

A smile etched its way across JJ’s face as he looked you up and down. Scanning every inch of your body, he soaked in your features and how perfect you looked in that bikini, “Damn, Y/N! You ready?”

You clear your throat and retreat into the skin you hate so much, “Yeah, gimme a minute?” JJ nods and respects your request, walking out of your room and closing the door, but leaving it open ajar. You grab the hoodie and sweatpants, turning to see the connecting bathroom, it looks so tempting to just try to make yourself throw up, but you know JJ will hear, and you can’t bear to disappoint him. He just likes you so much.

You pull the sweats on, covering every bit of skin besides the sandals that cover your feet, your fingers that barely stick out of the oversized hoodie, and your face that is on full display as your ponytail pulls your hair back. You slip out of the bedroom quietly, hoping that JJ was already back in the boat, but there he was, his goofy, fun-loving smile playing at his lips while he hears the door creak.

aren’t you warm?

“Y/N?” JJ asks when he sees your oversized clothes, his smiling dropping into a look of concern, “You know it’s August, right? It’s, like, hotter than Hell.”

“Yeah, I just got a chill or something. Might not swim today.” JJ cast one last glance of uncertainty before throwing his arm over your shoulder and walking out of the back door towards the boat with you, bumping your hips together as you walked.

aren’t you sweating up a storm?

Kie jumped up when she saw your and JJ’s shadow from behind the back screen door, excited to see you in your new suit because she’s wearing hers too. Her expression drops when she sees your sweater paws and your sweatpants. “Y/N? Aren’t you warm?”

“I’m freezing, guess I’m comin’ down with something,” you say, your voice becoming raspy as you look at the ground, feeling too self conscious at the idea of just being there, in a bikini, when Kiara and Sarah look that effortlessly good in theirs. You and JJ hop onto the HMS Pogue, settling into a comfortable position at the stern of the boat as John B pulls the boat away from the dock and across the marsh.

JJ leans his head slightly to rest his face in the crook of your neck as he starts to whisper sweet words to you about how gorgeous you look, whether you’re in a skimpy bikini or a fully covered in his sweats or in the dresses Kie lets you borrow when she drags you to the Midsummers parties so she isn’t alone.

are you aware that it’s hotter than hell out here?

You smile slightly as you prop your elbow up against your knee and rest your head in the palm of your hand. Sarah had veged out across one of the seats in the boat and is now fanning herself as sweat starts to collect at her hairline. “Phew, Y/N, aren’t you sweating up a storm?”

“I’m doing okay, actually,” you say, the drops of sweat forming a patch on the back of your hoodie. However, you can’t help but revel in how good it feels to cover up and not to worry about how you look.

Pope drops the anchor into the marsh as Kie, Sarah, John B, and JJ pull off their shirts to get to their swimsuits. They dive into the marsh as you lean over and rest your head on the edge of the boat. JJ stops just before he could follow Pope into the water. “You’re really not coming?”

maybe i would dress for the weather if i would feel better, but i have to tell them all i’m freezing

The sweat forming around your hairline and underneath your arms and on your back starts to accelerate as you become overwhelmed with another lie. You mumble under your breath as the fragment of your friend group swims farther away from the boat, “I would dress for the weather if I felt better, but I don’t.”

“What?” JJ asks, following your eyes with his, managing to secure eye contact with you despite your fidgeting glances. Fixing your gaze on the floor of the boat, you swallow and shake your head, refusing to repeat what you said, not wanting to have said it in the first place. “Feel better about what, Y/N?”

You look up at your boyfriend. Your boyfriend who would flirt with Kie before you two got together, calling her hot and gorgeous. Sure, JJ says the same about you, but he called her hot first and she made it clear that her door was closed. Crossing your arms over your chest defensively, you stand up, digging your toe into the rough vinyl you stood on out of nervous habit. As you straighten up, you suck in your stomach, almost involuntarily. “Look at me, J!”

“I’m looking!” JJ yells, his exasperation rolling off his tongue in the same way as sweat rolls down your back. ��And I think you look beautiful, you’re perfect, so if this is about how you look, I don’t understand!”

“I don’t understand either!” You shout back, immediately biting your lower lip as you analyze what you just said. JJ’s expression contorts, his look of concern and confusion falling into one of realization and anger. He reaches out to you, grabbing the cuff of your hoodie and drawing you into him. He shifts his arms once or twice around your body, trying to avoid the places where you sweated through the fabric, but in the end he didn’t care about it.

“You don’t think you’re beautiful?” JJ asks softly, the volume showing an air of compassion and love, but his tone showing his anger at you for thinking of yourself that way. “You are.”

“You can’t just tell me I’m beautiful and expect me to believe it.” You retort, your eyebrows furrowing as you grasp your bottom lip with your teeth even harder, drawing blood in an attempt to halt your lips from quivering.

“Why don’t you believe it?” JJ inquires, his tone softening to concern instead of anger as he pulls you into a seat next to him.

“You have eyes--”

“Yes, I do.”

“I don’t look like Kiara and Sarah do, and they’re actually beautiful.” You say, your voice dropping to a whisper as JJ watches your every move, overanalyzing every little twitch your lip makes to avoid your eyes from spilling over and every time you subconsciously tug at the hem of your sweatshirt, making sure your tummy stays completely covered.

“Obviously you don’t look like them. They have different DNA, silly.” JJ says, attempting to get a laugh or even a giggle out of you, but you don’t budge. Your arms crossing over you tighter, whatever you can do to encase yourself in armor. “Y/N, just because you don’t look like someone who is beautiful doesn’t mean it takes away from your own beauty.”

“I know that.” You mumble as JJ reaches out to push the cuffs of your sleeves up to your elbows.

“You need to believe it. It’s like evolution. It is factual.” JJ insists, tracing images onto your wrists and twisting the bracelets that wrap around your wrist into different shapes. “Your hands help so many people when they’ve fallen and your arms have pulled up the anchor so many times.”

JJ motions for you to take your hoodie off, to which you begrudgingly oblige, immediately wrapping your arms around your torso in a hug as you do so. “Your stomach has eaten so many of my molding PB&J’s without complaint, and your abs have beaten Pope in a push-up contest.”

“My stomach complained, you just weren’t there for that part.” You say with a smile as you tease JJ, his hand coming to clutch his heart in fake pain. You laugh at his antics, only for him to pump his fist into the air in triumph for your laugh.

You shimmy off your sweatpants, showing your tanned legs. You curl into an upright fetal position, trying to hide your thighs and your stomach in one fell swoop. JJ lifts his hands to bring your knees in to lean against his stomach so he can draw circles around your kneecaps. “Your legs have taken you on so many fun adventures.”

Intertwining his fingers with yours, JJ pulls you up to a standing position, holding you an arms length away by your shoulders as you squirm, very aware a passing fisherman could see you. “And your body has danced at so many parties with me and swam to find great treasures in sunken boats.”

“Y/N, you are perfect. You’ve always been perfect.”

“You can’t expect me to--”

“You’re right, I can’t expect you to believe anything I’m saying because the only opinion that matters is your own. But, you are perfect to me and to the rest of the Pogues, and it is okay for you to be insecure about things. But, never, never ever, put yourself down because that shit hurts me too.”

no matter the season.

[talkfastromance4]

More-- dad!ashton oneshot

Author’s note: This is based on Halsey’s song More, and if you’ve listened to it you have an idea what this oneshot is about. Listen to it beforehand because this is the heaviest thing I’ve ever written. It made me cry.

Warnings: smut in the middle, warning for death (I have an insert right before it happens so you can stop if you wish)

Word count: 4,027

Feedback is always welcome, and you can send in requests or to be added to my taglist here :)

Masterlist ________

Shortly after Mylo had turned two you and Ashton discussed the possibility of having another baby. From the get-go of your relationship Ashton has always been open about wanting a big family. Since you love kids that was never an issue with you and with how easy Mylo was, you were itching for another baby in the family. 

Fletcher will be starting first grade soon and it breaks your heart whenever you think about it. Your first baby is already starting school and Henry will be starting kindergarten as well and you’re feeling empty nest syndrome. Mylo and Ivy still stay home with you on the days they’re not at daycare but your nest will be missing two little birds.

When you gather at Luke and Sierra’s house for Clyde’s first birthday you caught sight of Mikey and Crystal’s newest member family member, Jayden your heart soared. Ella and Ethan, the twins, adored their newest brother and when Crystal handed him over to you, you melted when you met Ashton’s gaze. 

“Let’s have another baby,” he tells you immediately and you nod furiously. 

After that you and Ashton had sex any chance you got. When Fletcher and Henry were at school and Ivy and Mylo were taking their nap, you and Ashton would sneak into your bedroom like lovesick teenagers. That sex was slow and quiet as you felt him deep within you.

Or it’d be in the morning on a Saturday while you were taking a shower and the kids were watching cartoons that he’d sneak in with you. He’d have to cover your mouth with his hand so your loud and echoed moans wouldn’t be heard from the children. 

After Henry’s fifth birthday and right before Thanksgiving, you discovered you were pregnant. You cried tears of joy and went to find Ashton who was cooking dinner. The kids were scattered about the living room playing with toys or with Daisy when you approached him.

“Hey, what’s--”

You cut him off with a deep kiss, your tears stick to his cheeks. He’s in shock at your forwardness and stare at you worriedly when he feels your tears. 

“I’m pregnant,” you whisper excitedly.

Ashton drops his sauce stirring spoon, it clatters to the floor splattering you and him in spaghetti sauce as he lifts you into his arms. He holds you tightly, laughing and crying himself. He kisses your hair and your neck and your cheek. 

“Amazing. I love you so damn much, angel,” he breathes and kisses you once more.

“What’s happening?” Fletcher asks running into the kitchen. Three other pairs of little feet follow behind him, along with a pair of nails clicking on the wood from Daisy.

“Mama’s gonna have another baby,” Ashton smiles at them but is quick to keep looking at you fondly. 

Fletcher and Henry gasp while Ivy and Mylo mutter ‘baby?’

“Yay mama!” Fletcher jumps up and down with Henry joining him in equal glee while jumping in a circle. 

You leave the loving embrace of your husband so you can kneel in front of Ivy and Mylo who are still visibly confused. 

“Ivy, remember how mama’s tummy got big and then Mylo came?” you ask your almost 3 year old daughter. She nods, hazel eyes focused. “Mama’s tummy is going to have another little baby growing in here. Like Ivy’s baby, Trudy,” you try to clarify to Mylo. 

“Baby!” Ivy shouts then hugs you tightly around the neck. 

All of your children hug you the best they can and you’ve never felt so much love, and because of that love that’s how you have another little love blossoming inside of you.

****

The holidays came and went along with Ivy’s third birthday on January 5, which she wanted the theme to be of dinosaurs. The Jurassic Park movies are her favorite and she even has a little plush of Blue that she carries around with her. 

Your pregnancy is going by without a hitch, you only had morning sickness for a week and your cravings were minimal. 

“This is the easiest pregnancy you’ve had,” Ashton comments while rubbing your feet after your warm bath. All of the kids were tucked in bed so you and Ashton decided on having a romantic evening.

Work was stressful but that stress was depleted as soon as you walked in the house smelling your favorite comfort food. The excited chatter and babble of your children with an occasional giggle because of something funny Ashton probably did, warms your heart. 

Ashton greeted you with kisses that held a promise for more to come later, paired with a light squeeze to your ass before the kids crowded around you. Their voices hopped over each other as they tried to share the adventures of their day and you listened intently to each one. 

Mylo clung to you while his older siblings chattered about, his small fingers twiddled with the beads of your necklace. Fletcher learned how to add numbers together with ten. Henry listed off the five senses that he learned and Ivy babbled about the bugs she saw outside at playtime. 

“All right babies,” Ashton commanded their attention, “go wash your hands and we can tell mama about the rest of our day, okay? Fletch, can you help please?”

“Uh huh, c’mon Henny, you get Ivy,” Fletcher instructed before racing off to the bathroom upstairs. 

Henry holds onto Ivy’s hand as they follow their older brother to the bathroom, Mylo groaned against you with his fingers grabbing at your shirt. His telltale sign that he wanted to be picked up and you were more than happy to hold your baby boy in your arms.

“Hello my honey boy,” you cooed and hefted him on your hip. “Did you and dada have fun today?”

“We sure did,” Ashton said behind you, his hands held onto your waist. “He told me I should treat you like a queen tonight.”

His voice reverberated against the shell of your ear and Ashton pressed a tender kiss just below your ear. It caused you to shiver. 

“Valentine’s Day isn’t until next week,” you mumbled. 

“I know, but you had a stressful day and I want to help take it away,” Ashton hummed swaying you from side to side. 

Mylo remained oblivious as he played with a strand of your hair singing ‘mum, mum, mum’ repeatedly as he did. Ashton’s hand snaked around your front to rub your already swelling belly. You’re bigger this time around at twelve weeks but your doctor said that’s normal. Since your body has already gone through four pregnancies, it’s used to the changes by now for your fifth. 

“How’s our little peanut doing?” Ashton asked rubbing your belly soothingly.

“Good, but they’re starving,” you giggled.

“Good thing dinner’s ready,” Ashton chuckled just as the kids trample back into the kitchen and sit in their designated seats. 

Ashton pecked your cheek before you split apart, you to put Mylo in his high chair and to help Ivy in her booster seat and Ashton to bring over the food. He gave you a stern look when you move to help Mylo with his food, apparently you’re just supposed to eat. 

After dinner, the kids had an hour of watching TV then their bedtime routines started. Mylo and Ivy went first, a story each and kisses from both you and Ashton. Fletcher and Henry brushed their teeth at the same time and changed into their pajamas all by themselves (“I don’t need help, mama!” from Henry) and they were tucked in.

When they were all in bed it was 8:45 and Ashton was quick to draw your bath with bubbles and Epsom salts. He sat behind you rubbing your neck and shoulders with loving kisses peppered in between as you complained about your day. 

He listened and offered sage advice when you went quiet. His hands moved to your belly, rubbing softly under the water and you swear you felt the flutter of your baby’s heart at his touch. 

And now here you are, Ashton’s rubbing lotion onto your foot, you can’t help the moan that slips from your lips when he hits a tender spot. Ashton’s eyes flash to your face but you pay him no mind. 

“Don’t jinx me now,” you reply referring back to his statement. “I’m getting bigger than normal.”

“You’re gorgeous,” he shakes his head massaging his fingers up your calf. 

You feel his lips next at the inside of your ankle, your eyes open wider as he continues kissing up your leg. 

“What’re you doing?” you murmur with a sheepish smile. 

“Taking your stress away, angel,” he hushes. His lips are now at your knee and his other hand spreads your legs open. 

You watch in silent excitement as he lifts the bottom of your pink silk nightgown, it rests on your lower belly and Ashton kisses the outside of your pussy. He closes his eyes humming as he tastes you, his tongue laving you up slowly and sensually. Ashton’s lips spread yours open, suckling while his tongue presses on your clit. 

With your hormones heightened, you’re coming already from his action and the slow pace. The buildup intensified your orgasm as you sighed out his name.

He left your pussy throbbing and aching for more as he continues the ascent of his kisses up your body. He unties the belt of your nightgown, parting it open sponging kisses on your warm skin. Ashton takes careful care on your breasts, feather light kisses and light suckles on your nipples.

“Ashton, please,” you beg breathlessly bucking your hips slightly into his pelvis. 

“Patience mama,” he huffs on your neck. Your fingers curl in the locks at the base of his neck as he inserts a finger to open you up for him. He sucks on your neck curling his finger, little gasps escape your lips. 

He pulls his finger out and thrusts his hips gently against you, the tip of his dick presses into you. Slowly, inch by inch, he presses into you until he slides in all the way. To stop your loud moan he slips his finger in your mouth and you suck your arousal around a quieted moan. 

“There we go, mama,” he praises you bumping his hips against yours. He fucks into you deeply, hitting that certain spot so well and your bodies roll in perfect tandem together. 

He hikes your thigh around his hip so he can thrust even deeper, he pulls his finger from your mouth so he can kiss you. You pant into each other’s mouths and your orgasm is rushing out again. It tingles your body and makes your toes curl. Your emotions run high from the pleasure and the loving way he’s treating your body. 

Your orgasm crashes over you abundantly and tears leak from your eyes and you let out a combination of a choked moan and sob. Ashton grunts into your neck as he comes along with you, your bodies still. 

“God, I love you,” he pants lifting his head. “Why are you crying? Did I hurt you?”

“No, no, I’m sorry I don’t--” you shake your head as the tears fall. “That was just so good.”

Ashton’s look of surprise turns to amusement and he kisses your tears away. 

“I’m emotional,” you cry through a laugh. 

“I know, baby, it’s okay,” he chuckles holding himself up on his elbows and pulls out of you slowly. You wince at the loss but still feel so full and he almost pushes himself off you when you stop him.

“Hey, I love you too.”

*****

You’re at 35 weeks and you’re feeling more exhausted than ever compared to your other pregnancies. You have constant discomfort in your lower back and just feel miserable. You don’t understand how your stomach is so large this time around when with Mylo, you were the same size as when you were pregnant with Henry. 

Your due date isn’t until the end of August but these constant backaches don’t feel right, something inside of you has warning bells going off.

Ashton is at the studio with the guys going over some last minute harmonies for their new song so it was just you and the kids at home. 

“Okay, lunch is over so you can go have some quiet time, babies,” you tell them and pick up some of their empty bowls from mac and cheese. 

Just when you get to the counter, you keel over gasping as a terrible pain shoots from the center of your back all around to below your belly button. The blue and green plastic bowls clatter to the floor as you clutch onto the counter for support. White flashes before your eyes from the pain and you faintly hear Fletcher scream “mama!”

Agonizing seconds later, the pain is gone but you can still feel the ghost of it. What in the world was that?

“Mama you okay?” Henry asks standing next to you with Fletcher. 

Both of their eyes are wide and filled with fear, you try to grimace out a smile and with a shaking hand you caress Henry’s cheek. 

“I’m okay,” you say tightly. “Fletch, can you get mama’s phone from the table for me?”

Fletcher blinks before zipping to the table, he’s in front of you again and you take the phone going to Ashton’s name immediately. His smiling face with four other little faces surrounding him stares back at you as it continues to ring. 

“You’ve reached, Ashton, I’m unavailable at the--”

You tap the red circle then move to Calum, silently praying he’ll pick up. 

“Hey babe, what’s up?” Calum asks.

“W-where’s--” you swallow down the shakiness of your voice not wanting to scare doe eyed Fletcher and Henry as they watch your every move “--Um, where’s Ash?”

“He’s doing vocals now. Why? What’s wrong?” Calum asks in a rush. 

He knows you don’t call unless something is wrong. And right now, something is terribly, terribly wrong. 

“Can you tell him to come home? Or . . . can you get him? Something’s wrong,” your voice trembles on the last word and you lean against the counter still bent over. 

“Yeah, hang on. . .” you hear jostling in the background and Calum calling for Ashton distantly. “Here’s--”

“Y/N? What’s wrong, baby?”

At the sound of his voice there’s no way to stop the tears exploding from your eyes. Fletcher and Henry move to you simultaneously, Henry’s eyes are welling with tears as well. Your vision is tripled from the constant stream of tears. 

“Y/N, talk to me, angel, please,” Ashton tries to soothe you. 

You gasp for breath and a chance to dislodge the lump in your throat. 

“Some-something’s wrong with the baby,” you somehow whimper out. 

“Where are you?” He’s more urgent now and telling the others he’s leaving. 

“Home. Bring Cal . . . the kids . . .”

“We’re on our way, are you on the couch? Cal!”

“No,” you shake your head, “I’m scared to move.”

“Try to sit if you can, angel, okay? Calum’s calling an ambulance just in case. I need you to breathe for me.”

“Mama, I can help,” Fletcher says to you quietly, his little hands hold onto your forearm. 

“No, no, it’s okay, honey,” you try to smile. “Can you um, can you take Ivy and Mylo into the playroom?”

Fletcher nods silently to retrieve his siblings but Henry stays by your side. He hugs your leg and you pet his blond locks. 

It seems like ages but then you hear the sirens and numerous car doors slamming before Ashton is racing by your side. Another knee buckling amount of pain shoots through you and you cry out nearly falling to the floor but Ashton catches you. Henry becomes frantic. 

Chaos ensues. You’re screaming in pain, Ashton is shouting at the EMT’s. The familiar sounds of your children screaming is louder than anything else and you want to comfort them but you fear if you move you’ll break. 

You’re loaded gently onto a stretcher, an oxygen mask covers your mouth and nose. Mylo is screaming for you and Calum is trying to hold all four of your kids as you roll your head in their direction. 

“Her BP is extremely high, how far along is she?”

“Thirty-five weeks.”

Their voices swim in and out of your ears, all you can feel is pain.

*****Below is a severe trigger warning for death please do not continue if it affects you in any way. It isn’t graphic but it’s a tough subject*****

*****

When you wake up, there are more voices and you’re in a brightly lit room. You feel drowsy then remember the pain you were in that is now suddenly gone. You can’t feel anything. Frantic, you turn your head until you see Ashton with tears on his cheeks. 

“They had to induce you, the baby was in distress and you have an epidural,” he explains sniffling. His hand is firm in yours that you can feel. 

“Okay, I see the head,” a male doctor announces from your feet. 

You look down and see his eyes above the surgical mask on his face. Two other nurses are on either side of him ready to aid the baby if needed. 

“You’re doing very well, Mrs. Irwin . . . almost there . . . and you have a baby girl!” the doctor announces holding up your tiny baby so you can see her. 

You’re crying again and so is Ashton. Another girl!

“Is she okay?” You ask while Ashton kisses your temple, his fingers rub your neck. 

“We’ll take a good look at her,” one of the nurses says taking her away to the side of the room. 

“She’s not crying,” you notice and your panic returns. “Why isn’t she--?”

A mangled cry erupts in the room and it’s the most beautiful sound you’ve ever heard. Crying is a good thing. 

“Now we need to wait for the placenta and--oh,” the doctor’s voice lowers and a nurse gasps.

“What is it?” Ashton demands looking between them. 

“Were you aware you were carrying twins?”

Twins?!

“What?”

“Twins?”

The doctor is silent as you and Ashton watch him deliver your second baby. Before he can even speak, you see his eyes and your heart drops, a heaviness washes over you as you glimpse the small body in his arms. 

“I’m so very sorry,” the doctor says heavily, “he’s stillborn.”

Ashton collapses to the floor next to you, you hear a ringing in your ears and suddenly you can feel everything. The emptiness of your belly, every heavy beat of your heart, and the loss as you stare at your unknown son in the doctor’s arms. 

“Give me him,” you croak holding out your arm while the other is trying to console Ashton next to you.

“Y/N,” Ashton says sadly.

“Please?” your voice breaks as you watch the nurse swaddle him in a blanket. 

He’s much smaller than your daughter, his skin a light shade of blue. For such a small body, he’s heavy as the nurse places him in your arms. Your whole world shatters as you gaze at his little face, frozen in perfection. 

You and Ashton hold onto each other and your son you never got a chance to meet, silently crying while your hearts break open.

*****

You don’t know how long you sat with your baby boy until an elderly nurse touched your shoulder. You jerk your head up, your body frigid in the same position for who knows how long. 

“I’m so very sorry for your loss,” she says gently glancing between you and Ashton. “Your daughter has been taken to the NICU, she has jaundice and a little difficulty breathing. We’re going to monitor her very closely.”

You blink slowly, letting her words resonate with you. 

“Okay,” you whisper then turn to Ashton who still has tears streaming down his face staring at his son. “Um, what . . . what do we do?”

You feel so small staring at this motherly nurse, her blond hair is turning an even lighter color and she has wrinkles and laugh lines. 

“We have staff who can take photos, and prints of your baby as mementos. A pastor is here as well or we can find someone else that fits your religion. Whatever you want to do, we will accommodate you the best we can.”

Your eyes shift to her name tag. Molly is her name. Then you turn to Ashton, a question in your eyes. 

“Whatever you want, angel,” his voice is clipped as he brushes your hair. 

“Can we do it all?”

Molly comes back later with three other people, one has a camera around her neck and the other has ink pads and paper while the last has a shadow box. They all give you and Ashton their condolences and explain they can do photos first, then the prints. 

It’s all so surreal, your heart breaks all over again when Ashton holds his son and he cries relentlessly. He collapses next to you on the bed and you hold each other tightly. 

You go through the motions of signing his birth certificate followed by his death certificate. You named him Leo, which means ‘lion’ and ‘brave people.’ You and Ashton decided to have the hospital call a funeral director to come meet with you and discuss options. The hospital gave you the option they could provide a funeral but you wanted to honor your baby boy. 

His mementos were placed in his shadowbox, along with the blanket he was put into when he was delivered. You didn’t want to let him go, but you knew you had to go be with your daughter who you still haven’t met yet.

“If I let him go. . . I won’t see him again,” you cry to Ashton. 

“I know,” Ashton sighs, “but that doesn’t mean you don’t love him. They’ll take care of him but our little one needs us to fight with her.”

You know he’s right. So with all your might, you force yourself to let Molly take him from your arms. You’re empty again.

*****

It’s been three weeks since you gave birth. Your daughter was in the NICU for three days and in between staying with her you and Ashton spoke to the funeral director. You decided on the name Vida which means ‘life’ and when you first saw her, there was so much life in her little face. 

A week later you had the funeral for baby Leo. It was very difficult explaining to Fletcher, Henry, Ivy and Mylo what happened. It was a little easier for Fletcher and Henry since they’re six and five. But with Ivy being only four and Mylo at two, death was a complex subject. 

The funeral was beautiful and everyone you loved was with you to mourn. Ashton held onto you tightly, you were both each other’s rock during this harrowing time. Calum comforted Henry and Ivy while Fletcher and Mylo clung to you and Ashton.

The doctors had no idea how they missed you were pregnant with twins other than the fact that maybe he was hiding really well behind Vida. It was all guesstimation, but they think the reason you went into labor so early was because Leo miscarried at that time. 

As you stare down at Vida, who looks just like her brother, you find a little peace in that. Obviously they would have grown to be two very different people, but you know Leo will always be in your heart and you can’t help but be thankful that your precious Vida is alive and healthy. 

She’s been suffering from separation anxiety which you assume is because of the loss of her twin brother. Even at almost a month old, you know she’s sensing a part of her is missing. You hum softly to her and to Leo’s photo on the wall you had set up as a memoriam for him and you sing softly to the both of them.

“I’ve loved you for all of my life,  And nothing could stop me from giving a try  I’ve loved you for all of my life… Love you more, somehow I’ll still love you more…” _______

Taglist: @galcalirwin​ @cashtonasff5sos​ @wokeupinjapanisabop​ @myloverboyash​

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2001

Another list which was a bit difficult to make.  Almost none of this comes from the US charts. I was 13, I had a much better control of what I could listen to, and adolescence crisis was juuuuuuust around the corner and about to smash into me with the force of a semitruck.

For now, though, things were mostly fine.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

First, please enjoy this shit ton of honorable mentions.

Family Affair (Mary J. Blige) - A bit too repetitive for my taste but damn, that beat is great.

Starlight (The Supermen Lovers) - Overplayed to death, sadly.

A ma Place (Axel Bauer & Zazie) - Too much Hetero Drama(tm) for my taste. Still a great song.

Les Mots (Mylène Farmer & Seal) - An artist I love teams up with another artist I really like and... aaaaand it’s fairly boring even if it sounds really nice. Aw.

Me Gustas Tu (Manu Chao) - My dad had one (1) tape that summer and it was Manu Chao. Needless to say, I claim overplay for that cut.

The Girl in Red (Daddy DJ) - Yepppp, I also loved that one, no surprises there.

It Wasn’t Me (Shaggy) - To be honest this song would already be pretty great if it was just a guy trying to pretend it wasn’t him cheating even if his girlfriend got everything on camera, but it’s made even better by the ending where he’s like ‘uh no that’s not a good idea I’m just gonna apologise and try to make things right’. Love that.

Carillon (Magic Box) - This was the last cut from the list. The fact that this kind of novelty eurodance track could still chart this high in 2001 is absolutely baffling to me, but I’m not gonna complain. I had completely forgotten the existence of this song until I listened to the year-end lists and had some sort of flashback, sitting in my chair, going “oh shit, yeah... this was a thing.”

10 - Music is the One-T ODC (One-T)

US: Not on the list / FR: #70

Time seems to have buried this, which is a shame. I really liked One-T. I don’t have much more to say about it though, I’m afraid.

9 - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger (Daft Punk)

US: Not on the list / FR: #75

Aaaaaaand I don’t have anything to say about this one either. You can’t go wrong with Daft Punk.

8 - No Nagging (Froggy Mix)

US: Not on the list / FR: #31

I simply adore the fact that an anime opening was popular to the point of ACTUALLY CHARTING AND MAKING THE YEAR END LIST HERE. It’s not even the same opening in most other countries. I just checked to make sure. It’s not even the original either! What the hell. I love it. Here’s the full version.

Also, the first cd I ever bought might have been Daddy DJ, but the first one my little brother ever bought was Froggy Mix. If you ever read this, you’re 100% valid bro. I’m just saying.

7 - Rue de la Paix (Zazie)

US: Not on the list / FR: #58

This was very overplayed but somehow never outstayed its welcome. I put it on a couple of tapes, even. I’ve always had trouble with Zazie’s upper range, but she isn’t using it too much here.

6 - Clint Eastwood (Gorillaz)

US: Not on the list?? I was dead certain it would be / FR: #47

I never loved Gorillaz. You can throw rocks at me now. I enjoyed the music videos a LOT, and I always liked hearing the songs on the radio, but I never actively listened to them. Also, the Metallica fan I live with is also a fan of Gorillaz, so yeah, over-exposure and all that.

That being said, I remember seeing this music video for the first time with the sound off on a screen in a tv store and being completely mesmerized by the animation. And then that song became a huge hit, and it was one of THE sounds of that summer despite being weird and dark, and I loved it. Good memories, good times ; godspeed, Gorillaz.

5 - Butterfly (Crazy Town)

US: #29 / FR: Not on the list

This is, indeed, placed above Gorillaz. Too bad you’re out of rocks to throw at my face by now, uh?

But yeah, there’s “so bad it’s good” and then there’s “so bad it’s f█cking fantastic” and that shit lands squarely in that second category. It’s impossible to keep a straight face while listening to it, especially if you sing along to the “sugar baby” bit. And the music video is... sdfghjkjhgfd. The bit where the star tattoos fly off that guy like shurikens is hilarious. It’s so dumb. It’s so bad. I love it so much. I’m so glad I found a gif of that part. Amazing.

4 - Hasta La Vista (MC Solaar)

US: Not on the list / FR: #8

MC Solaar was (and still is, but this was his peak imho) the best storyteller in French hip hop, with strange concept-songs, and a ton of weird puns.

This is basically a mashup of Notre Dame de Paris and a western, in which the singer is starring in the main role but as a pizza delivery man.

Not making this up.

3 - Le Vent Nous Portera (Noir Désir)

US: Not on the list / FR: #29

I really, really hesitated before putting that song on the list, especially at such a high spot. I guess every French speaker reading this already knows why, but to clarify to my other followers: the guy who wrote this and sings this is a murderer. He wasn’t at the time this song came out, obviously, but still, it’s really, really difficult to separate the art from the artist in some cases, and this is one of them, because oh boy, this song is dark. Beautiful, but dark.

The problem is, it’s also great, so I’m really torn. So I decided to still put it on the list, considering how much I loved it back in the day. I think it’s still possible to appreciate beautiful things made by horrible people as long as you acknowledge that fact and never, ever try to excuse the things they did.

Also that lovely guitar is played by Manu Chao and I’m glad he found a way to land on my list in the end.

2 - L’Histoire d’une Fée, C’est (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #92

Madam, I don’t even care that I put you so high on one of my lists again. It doesn’t matter. Please sing a harmless song about fairies to wash the bad taste that the previous entry left in my mouth. This sounds absolutely stellar. It doesn’t even have a music video and it charted anyway. The guy composing the music is at the top of his game and is firing on all cylinders. It’s one of my all time favorite songs from Mylène Farmer even if it’s one of the stupidest ones. It’s colorful and it glows and sparkles, and it’s full of energy and joy with an undercurrent of mystery.

If you don’t know it yet, please give it a try. It’s great.

1 - Solaar Pleure (MC Solaar)

US: Not on the list / FR: #20

Oh boy. My mother hated this song, and once told me it was “shocking and disturbing” [sic] that I loved it.

So. Uh. This is “Solaar Is Crying”. How do I explain this shit to my English followers without sounding like a drunk weirdo rambling in a park. Uh. Here goes nothing.

This is a French hip hop song in which the singer is telling the story of a man preparing his own funeral, dying, arriving in the afterlife, ending up in paradise, forgiving the people who wronged him in life and death, becoming an exterminator angel, going to hell on a MISSION TO FIGHT EVIL, LITERALLY SPITTING ON BELZEBUTH, GATHERING HELP FROM EVERY RELIGION POSSIBLE, UNITING THEM ALL TO DESTROY SATAN ONCE AND FOR ALL, EXPLODING HIM INTO ANTIMATTER, THEN REALISING ALL OF THIS WAS IN VAIN BECAUSE THERE’S STILL BAD PEOPLE DOING BAD THINGS ON EARTH AND THE DEVIL HIMSELF WASN’T THE SOURCE OF ALL EVIL IN THE WORLD.

I swear I am not making ANY of this up.

It’s f█cking amazing.

I BEG you to listen to it if you’ve never heard it and PLEASE tell me your opinion afterwards. I would make a best-of of my favorite lines in it, but it would be 90% of the entire song. Here’s a translation of the entire thing.

Next up: Johannes turns 14 and the shit is about to hit the fan and also is that a f█cking top 15

[twodaysintojune]

Creepin’ up The Backstairs

Supernatural, Debriel, Warnings-None

One Shots Masterlist, Long Stories Masterlist

Find me at AO3

Made for @debrielcc Creations Challenge, Song Prompt: Creepin’ Up The Backstairs by The Fratellis

There was a knock on the glass, one, two, three times before Gabriel finally realized there was someone knocking, standing up from his desk he moved the curtains aside. He almost screamed when he saw the shadow of a guy in front of him until he realized it was Dean. Quickly, he opened the window.

“Dean what the hell? How did you get past the fence?”

Dean sent Gabriel a smile so bright and warm while entering the room that Gabriel felt the air leave his lungs for a second.

“Heard you came back from that stuck-up boarding school, old man Beckett let me in.”

Gabriel beamed at his old friend, the moment he came back from France he was about to run to Dean’s house when his father forced him to stay and meet some unknown relatives that were most likely trying to lick dad’s boots to receive a loan from him for a truly stupid enterpise.

He hated it, hated the fact that they were ‘nobles’ and ‘rich’ and that they were supposed to act like it. That was why he loved Dean so much, he was unfazed by the nobility thing and always treated him as his friend. Gabriel still felt stupid when he remembered how troubled he had been that first time they met to hide the fact that he belonged to the Payne family and also remembered fondly how Dean took it all in stride and waved it aside, the last name was not important, what was important was Gabriel. Looking at it in hindsight that might have been the moment Gabriel fell in love for him.

Of course Dean didn’t know that. As far as Gabriel could see, Dean considered him a friend and just that. Yes, they were thick as thieves, much to both of their families chagrin but he had never shown any kind of romantic inclination towards him. It was sad to admit that this crush was very one sided but that didn’t stop him from having fun and enjoying Dean’s company so he was definitely not ready to let him go. Maybe when Dean eventually found someone else he would have to make a choice but not today.

Especially not tonight. Not when Dean’s cheeks were red from running and the cold winds of December and they looked ready to be kissed. Thing that Gabriel did immediately pecking both of Dean’s cheeks while hugging him, following the French tradition, so excited that he didn’t notice how his friend tensed slightly under his hold.

“Oh man, you just don’t know how much I’ve missed you!”

Dean snickered nervously. “Yeah, I can tell.”

“So what brings you here?”

“Ah uh...” Dean seemed to space a moment looking at Gabriel. He blushed and coughed a little. “I thought we could sneak away, there’s a couple of new bands performing at the club I’m sure you’ll like.”

“Awesome! Yeah sure, lemme get some clothes and we can go.”

“Oh and…”

Gabriel turned towards Dean once more, waiting for his words, nodding at him to prompt him into speaking.

“I was wondering if we could, uh, you know… Grab the car?”

“The car?”

“Yeah, you know, The Car.”

“Oh, oh!” Gabriel laughed mischievously while taking off his pj’s and putting in some old worn jeans, a dark Black Sabbath t-shirt Dean had gifted him for his birthday and black leather boots. “Yeah sure! We can sneak downstairs through the service stairs, I bet Mrs. Bell is knocked off with those sleeping pills she gets.”

Gabriel turned to find an awkward looking Dean.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing, uh, it’s good to see you here.”

Gabriel beamed at him.

“It’s good to see you too.”

So they sneaked into the garage to steal Michael’s car. The car, by the way was a classic 60’s cherry red Roadster that Michael kept in mint condition. Gabriel had been impressed when he saw it for the first time, moreso considering the fact that he couldn’t believe his down-to-earth brother was able to have such good taste in cars, maybe it was the ‘classic’ part of it that had called his attention but in the end, Gabriel was not going to complain. Especially when he knew for a fact Michael still left the car keys in the same place at the garage despite knowing his little brother liked to take it out for a ride from time to time. Okay, so maybe Michael was not as stuck up as he looked, Gabriel thought fondly. He was going to miss him if he decided to move after the marriage.

This time, Dean was on the wheel. They zoomed through the open roads for a while and left the car on a parking lot, knowing Michael would kill him if anything happened to it. Soon after the engine was killed, Gabriel took out his kohl stick and began to line his eyes. Dean shifted in his seat.

“Dude, you look good already, leave the makeup for the girls.”

“There’s never enough makeup when it comes to the guyliner Dean, maybe you should try it too.”

Dean snorted, he looked at Gabriel with a glance he was unable to read until he made up his mind.

“Alright then, turn me into a clown.”

Gabriel barked in delight with Dean’s comment while he leant towards him to start the job. They were close enough but Gabriel was more concentrated on not poking Dean’s eye by mistake.

“I knew I’d convince you one day.”

“You just like being pushy.”

“Shut up, you love me pushy.”

Dean stayed silent for a while while Gabriel finished the delicate job. Once he was done he began to put the eyeliner away.

“Yeah, I do.”

The words had been but a whisper but in the middle of the silence of the parked car it had been just as clear as daylight. Gabriel paused his actions and lowered his hands to look, really look at Dean. And it struck him like a lightning to realize that while Dean was undoubtedly handsome, the guyliner he had just placed on him made him ten times more attractive. And this attractive guy was looking at him in a way he knew for a fact he had never been addressed before.

“Dean?”

A car blaring out hip-hop music loud enough to wake up an entire block searching for a spot rushed in front of the Roadster, startling them. Dean coughed a bit.

“Come on, lets go.”

They ran through the couple of streets they had to cross to get to the club. It had been a good thing Dean had convinced him of using his warm lined corduroy jacket instead of the leather one. He had forgotten how cold things got at home.

Once inside the bar they were received by the gang; Charlie and Gilda, Mick, Ash and Jo greeted Gabriel warmly. Meanwhile, Dean took their jackets and headed to the personnel entry door. Gabriel stopped him just a second.

“You gotta work today?”

“Only half the shift, Jessica took Sam to some weird ass French movie, don’t even ask.”

Gabriel snorted, he was sure Dean only thwarted Sam’s chance of getting laid because he was expected to as the older brother. He screamed at him from half away.

“Cut him some slack man, the poor kid will die of blue balls!”

Dean turned around.

“Hey, I give him enough slack at home with the studies for the entrance exams, I won’t budge anymore.”

Gabriel moved his head in disapproval but he was still smiling. That probably had been the exact same answer the younger Winchester must have got. In the end all three of them knew Sam was still gonna get laid because he was not going to watch any movie, he was only not gonna be able to cuddle later.

The club began to fill itself with a lot of new faces, most likely followers of the bands that were going to play that night and sooner than later Gabriel saw the bar filling itself with countless girls that screamed in awe while he saw a bottle soar through the air. He wanted to get near to watch Dean do his bartender magic tricks but the crowd was so tight he wasn’t even able to see him through the people. He was sure the guyliner he had given him was also helping a lot with the charm.

Sighing a bit disappointed he turned back to the conversation only to find Charlie looking at him with knowing eyes.

“What?”

“What? You’re asking me what? Come on Gabe, you’re head over heels for Dean!”

Gabriel shrugged trying to play it cool. “So? It’s not like I’m hiding it anyways.”

“You’re not gonna do anything about it?”

At this point everyone else on the group turned to look at him, by the look of their faces they had obviously been desperate to ask him for a while now.

“Wha—!? Of course not! He’s my best friend! I’m not gonna risk what we already have because of my stupid crush.”

All their faces went down.

“Oh come on man! It’s Dean we’re talking about, he’ll definitely take you!”

Gabriel was about to retort when he stopped for a second.

“Okay, how much did you guys actually bet on me confessing?”

Everyone immediately began to laugh.

“It’s quite some actually, Kali and Bela said both of you are too much of a coward and nothing will happen.” Ash chimed in. “I’m rooting for Dean though.”

Gabriel tried his best to throw a judgemental glare to his friends until something in Ash words clicked in.

“What do you mean you’re rooting for Dean?”

Jo barked a laugh. In fact everyone did.

“Oh. My. God.”

“Are you being serious now Gabe?”

“I can’t believe this!”

“Okay guys come on, he wasn’t around to see what we saw. Actually, it’s because he wasn’t around that we saw it.”

“What? What did you see?”

More laughter.

“Well you see, three months ago, when your brother Michael got engaged—”

“Don’t tell him!”

“Oh come on guys!”

“I’m sorry Gabe, if you really want to know you’ll have to ask Dean.”

The banter between everyone went down to some gossip about the general whereabouts of everyone in life now. In the end most of them were able to see each other only on vacations now that they were studying in College so it was a good time to catch up. A few hours later, Dean joined them with a bucket of beers for everyone. Everybody cheered.

“Hey guys, what did I miss?”

“Hey, Dean, why don’t you tell Gabe what happened when we heard of the Payne engagement?”

Gabriel turned to Dean honestly curious, he really didn’t know what reaction to expect given the fact that none of their friends had wanted to spill the beans but he still got a bit startled when he saw Dean’s usually laid back features stiffen and his entire face turning red. Gabriel tried to ask him with a look but he distinctly avoided his gaze. Feeling a little taken aback by Dean’s avoidance Gabriel snickered nervously.

“It’s okay guys, it’s obviously not something that funny.”

Dean looked troubled for a second before he stepped in to try to help Gabriel feel better.

“No, no it’s okay I… uh, I dropped some bottles.”

“You... dropped some bottles?”

“Yeah, because they announced it on the news, remember?” Ash chimed in and went to imitate a news host voice “Exciting news for today folks! A new engagement has been formalized between the Payne and the Byrne households!”

“And just like that, Dean dropped the bottles!”

“Okay?”

“Don’t you get it Gabe? He dropped the bottles because of the shock!”

Dean fidgeted looking extremely uncomfortable while everybody held gloating faces.

“...Is it that weird to imagine Michael getting married?”

Everybody groaned, Dean deflated as if he had avoided a landmine.

“Guess I’m just weird! Now let’s drink guys, I need to wet my throat a bit.”

Dean was a bit too forceful but nobody complained. The rest of the night went by without an issue and Dean drove Gabriel back to his place. Once inside his room, Gabriel proceeded to remove their eyeliner, which proved to be harder than putting it on since Dean was doing a very poor job at staying still, every time Gabriel approached him, he stepped back.

“Damn it Dean, if you’re not going to let me do it then do it yourself!”

It seemed like that helped Dean snap out of whatever it was that was making him go back. He steeled himself and looked at Gabriel.

“I… I’m sorry.”

Gabriel sighed and went back to removing Dean’s eyeliner, he finished the first eye and moved to the second while Dean seemed to rummage something. He opened up the moment Gabriel was done.

“I thought it was you.”

“Huh?”

“The one getting married. I thought it was you.”

Gabriel looked at Dean blank for a second until it dawned on him what he was trying to say. Mick’s words came back to him and hit him like a train.

“Don’t you get it Gabe? He dropped the bottles because of the shock!”

Gabriel’s eyes widened in realization. Did this mean that Dean actually liked him? Maybe it had just been the shock of hearing about your friend’s marriage but then he wouldn’t have dropped the bottles, right? He stayed silent, he didn’t even know what to say, what if he was thinking way too much about this? What if Dean had really just been shocked because they were friends? What if…?

Gabriel’s train of thought halted and crashed when Dean leant towards him and kissed him.  

With a started noise and a sigh, Gabriel dropped everything and rushed to hold Dean’s face between his hands. Enticed by Gabriel’s actions, Dean moved forward and roughed him to get closer to him. Opening their lips and searching into each other’s mouths, gliding hands through their chests and biting softly each others lips, the kiss quickly heated up the moment they took each other’s shirts off when Gabriel’s door opened and in came a fairly drunk Lucifer who groaned at the sight, startling them.

“Oh for fucks sake Gabriel, get a room!”

Gabriel quickly deadpanned at his brother’s remark.

“Lucifer, this IS my room.”

Lucifer blinked a couple of times and looked around.

“Oh… well... lock the damn door next time!”

Gabriel threw his shirt at his older brother while he closed it back and went to properly lock it this time. When they were sure Lucifer was not going to try to come back, the guys turned to look at each other and began to laugh.

[ingridgovaninsights]

The Elliott Chapters- Part 5

We went to the pharmacy and picked up two cartons of chocolate milk, and we drank one liter each, downing it all at once in the pharmacy parking lot. I was exhausted; I told Charlotte I wanted to go home. She nodded and we drove quietly over to my place.

As soon as I got out of the car, I stumbled and nearly collapsed on the sidewalk. Charlotte ran over to link arms with me, and I struggled to stay on my feet.

“Okay, careful there, you’re clearly still drowsy,” she said worriedly. “Also, it must hurt to walk. You don’t need like, crutches or something?”

I shook my head. “I’m perfectly fine. Let’s go.”

Charlotte helped me down the stairs to my place, which was turning out to be quite difficult. Every step was excruciating pain- after a couple of steps I had to take a break to catch my breath. Charlotte looked at me with great concern.

“Are you going to be okay staying here on your own?” she asked.

I shrugged. “I’ll survive.”

“I hate when you say that,” Charlotte said.

“Why?”

“Because I know you’ll survive. I’m talking about your comfort.”

“Being uncomfortable for a brief period of time is something that I am more than capable of handling,” I told her, wincing. “I have been in car accidents before.”

“Yes, but this one seems to be your worst yet,” she said. “Maybe this can be your wake up call. Maybe you could consider driving a little more carefully?”

“You know what?” I snapped, “you don’t get to tell me what to do!”

“It was a suggestion, Elliott,” she said slowly, carefully. “I wasn’t trying to upset you.”

“Yeah, okay, but you have to understand I am dealing with a lot right now in my life. I drive to escape that. You know me.”

“Yes… but at what cost?” she asked.

I shook my head. “That’s not your decision to make.”

I started back up the stairs towards outside. I couldn’t sit alone in my apartment and wallow in pity or wince in pain. I wasn’t the type to complain or take a lot of time off because I had a minor wipe out. I had three cars- two now after my accident- and I never really used my truck, but I thought maybe today would be a good day for that. Sometimes I would take it if I needed to run errands, like taking things to the dump, for instance.

Charlotte was running after me. Due to my injuries, she caught up pretty quickly. She grabbed onto my arm, with pressure. Desperately.

“Elliott, you can’t drive!” she cried. “You’re being unreasonable.”

“You know what is unreasonable?” I asked. “People expecting me to sit idly by while I wait for these injuries to repair themselves. And what else is unreasonable is you expecting me to let people boss me around anymore, when I took so much of that shit from Victoria.”

“I’m not bossing you around,” Charlotte said, “I’m trying to help you. There’s a difference. A pretty big difference, actually.”

“Well, I do not need the help right now,” I said, though I probably needed it more than ever. “But thank you for the offer. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going for a drive.”

Charlotte was speechless. I had that effect on people sometimes. I think it was my tendency to be brutally honest. People like to sugarcoat things… well, not me. It’s useless. It wastes a lot of time.

She stood, frozen in shock while I stepped up into my truck and drove away in a hurry. No, I did not learn my lesson about speeding. I mean, I am aware of the statistics on driving too fast and the consequences that it has, but what did I really have to lose?

About five minutes into my drive it started to rain quite heavily. I put on my windshield wipers but they just couldn’t move fast enough. I didn’t care. Some people pulled over when it rained so heavily, but I didn’t care. Pull over all you want- less traffic for me to worry about.

I didn’t consciously have a destination in mind, but apparently my brain had some sort of idea because five minutes later I ended up at my parents’ door. My mother’s garden looked the same- it was nice to see it was still intact and at least someone had been watering it. I hesitated, then I slowly rose my fist up to the door and knocked.

When my father answered the door, I was holding my side like I needed an appendectomy. When was the last time I’d seen him? I couldn’t remember, but he looked significantly older- his hair was almost completely white, his beard was full this time. His forehead had many lines, like notepad paper.

I opened my mouth to confess to him about my car accident, and to tell him I love him and I realized life is short and all of that sappy stuff, but my dad took me off guard.

His eyes welled up with tears and he said, “your mother is dead.”

***

Dad invited me inside for a coffee after we stood in silence for what seemed to be a long, long time. I didn’t know what to say, or what to feel. I stared at him though, for a good long time. I couldn’t understand why he would choose not to tell me, why he would wait until I stood on his porch in the pouring rain with a fractured pelvis. Was I really that insignificant to him? To Mom?

I did step inside, and Dad went into the kitchen to start up the coffee maker. I looked around the living room, and I picked up the potted plant off of the coffee table. I was in so much pain, the plant felt heavy in my hands and I wanted to scream. There was nothing fine about the condition of my body or my mind. Absolutely nothing.

I raised the pot well above my head, despite my body begging me not to. Then I threw it on the ground, watching it shatter into hundreds of tiny little pieces.

By the time my dad came back to find out what all the noise was, I was gone.

***

At that point I had no idea where to drive to. In the past, I’d go on some sort of insane road trip across the country and crash at a rundown motel, inviting some random local to have a beer with me at the small pub next door. I liked that life- living always on the run, having that constant sense of adventure. But it came with a price, and that price was that I could never share any significant connections with anyone. Victoria hadn’t been one for road trips; I didn’t have many friends; my family was scattered and broken; and Charlotte had moved on with her life.

I used to drive all my cars into the ground, exploring every inch of a city before moving onto the next. In the early days of our relationship, Victoria would join me. But after a while, it grew old and she wanted to have some sense of stability.

As I’ve said before, when I first got my license at sixteen I was excitedly driving around everywhere, eager to explore the road. My mother would always shake her head and say, “when are you going to settle down, Elliott?”

Maybe now was the time.

I didn’t want to, but I didn’t want to pay the price of being alone either. I soared down the highway at a reckless pace, apparently learning nothing from my recent accident. The rain had finally ceased, and people weren’t scared anymore of the weather so they came out of their shells to join the traffic. Cars built up until we were stuck in a jam. I was at a complete stop. I sighed and played with the radio for a while. I had put a new radio system into this one, complete with BlueTooth. I thought maybe now would be a good time to connect it with my phone and listen to some of my library. After all, I had a lot of time to kill. I couldn’t exit off the highway now even if I wanted to- I was trapped, sandwiched between two vehicles.

I decided to listen through Watsky’s album, titled x Infinity. It was hip-hop, rap kind of music. The artist did a lot of slam poetry as well, so the lyrics were always clever and thoughtful, the kind that I liked. It wasn’t the kind of rap where they rambled on about drugs and sex and slutty women, it was the kind that actually talked a lot about real, raw feelings and problems in life.

The song that came on first was titled “Conversations”. I listened carefully to the words, trying to take it all in and really feel the song. I think Charlotte would really like it- it’s the kind of thing she would write about in her stories.

Don’t lie, what happens when we die?

The artist sang about a boy who asked his father the “bigger” questions in life- where do we go, what do we do when we die? And the boy was insistent. I was quite intrigued by the storytelling- I turned the volume up.

We paint our story from A to Z then dip out

R.I.P. rip out, we tear out the pages

Tear up the stage and take a seat

Making a vacancy

Famous or not, we fade from the plot

The lyrics resonated with me. It was haunting to think that maybe none of this even matters- the fact that I’m stuck in traffic or all I do is work or Victoria and I have been doomed from the start or I have no idea what I’m going to do next. Maybe it’s all irrelevant, because we’re all going to disappear eventually anyways, and we will be replaced with the next person so that they can live their lives, and so on and so forth. A vicious cycle.

Some would say it mattered right now, in the present day. Shouldn’t that be enough to keep going, and to keep trying? I could argue back and forth with them all day, though. I would say we are going to die at the end of all of this, so what’s the use?

And I could hear Watsky in the background over the noise of traffic and my even noisier mind:

But that isn’t for a long, long time

That isn’t for a long, long time

That isn’t for a long, long time

That isn’t for a long, long, long, long time

[sugaforthesoul]

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[Fan Account] 20170401 - BTS WINGS Tour in Anaheim, CA

So you guys may or may not know but I was in Anaheim last night to see Bangtan. If you'd like to find out about my experience, just keep on reading!

So my day started very early on Saturday morning. I woke up around 7AM. Since this past week was my spring break, I was accustomed to waking up at 1PM and going to bed at 4AM, so needless to say, I had trouble both falling asleep and waking up in the morning. I caught a bus from outside my dorm around 9:30AM and rode it for about an hour and a half up to Oceanside. From there, I took the train around 12PM to Anaheim and I got there around 1:30PM. Fast forward past some details no one probably cares about, I came back to the Honda center (it's right across the street from Anaheim station) around 3:30PM. Since I had an assigned seat, I didn't have to worry about lining up or anything. By that time, most of the merch was gone though, so I didn't get anything ;A; I guess it's a good that 'cause that stuff is really expensive. Anyway, after hours of sitting on the curb and waiting in line, I got in around 7PM. I was in section 204 so once I was inside, I went straight through the doors into the actual stadium. Since I was in row P, my view was a little further away but I was not complaining one bit. When I sat down, a lady gave us an orange and green bag to cover lightsticks for specific songs but I didn't get to use them since I didn't buy a lightstick. For the next hour or so, they were playing Bangtan MVs on the monitors, and y'all. Why y'all got scream... at a MV? I was amused but I expected it since at SMTOWN way back in 2011, I was one of those people who screamed at the videos playing before the show (and was judged by my dad). Anyway I was sitting there amused at the audience but also watching the screen (and screaming at Jas AKA @jeons-jalebi via text and snap). As I was sitting there, watching, it hit me and I was trembling in both nervousness and excitement, which didn't subside until deep into the actual performance. I noticed the MVs were somewhat being played in chronological order but after Spring Day, I was ready for Not Today... the MV... that's not what I got. The lights cut and the intro VCR started playing. Everyone got to their feet, screaming and waving their lightsticks. I was no exception this time (minus the lightstick, obviously). Guess what they performed first. Yup, that's right, Not Today. The rose up from the back portion of the stage and it felt like my heart stopped for a moment. Yes, I video taped it but I did NOT for one moment actually look at what I was filming cuz I wanted to focus on it with my actual eyes. Even though I held my phone very close to my chest, the footage is very shaky. Yes, it's because my body was still trembling uncontrollably. I don't think I need to tell you guys how they perform because I'm sure most of you are under the impression that they're great performers, and you'd be absolutely correct. I think after was the first ment (I say I think because I don't remember how many there were or when they happened). Everyone screamed their asses off as expected and they all introduced themselves in English and all that jazz. I was expecting this but I was not prepared. Goddamn Min YOONGI (that autocorrected to all caps and obviously, I have made zero attempt to change it) did the thing where he takes his earpiece out, closes his eyes and cups his ear. Naturally, I screamed at the top of my lungs, as did others (except the girl next to me; she was texting during half the concert lol). After that they performed Am I Wrong, 뱁새, and (I think) BS&T. I'm not sure the order but I'm pretty sure BS&T was in that mix because I know they performed it around the beginning but I don't quite remember when (I jotted the setlist during the breaks, but I had forgotten by then... I guess I was just that stunned). Yo... those motherfucking hip thrusts in 뱁새... I couldn't breathe, holy shit. Honestly, no amount of preparation can prepare you to see them and I learned that many times in the course of two and a half hours. So far, the award of hype goes to Not Today and 뱁새, which is saying something because usually I'm very reserved in public and I was by myself too. After a break, Begin started and I knew there was going to be choreography for it since Jas told me . I thought I could prepare myself for it… but I was not prepared at all. Begin is one of my favorite tracks and pairing it with dancing ruined me. I was on the verge of tears. And then Lie is performed, and in that moment, it was all over. The choreography was absolutely amazing. It was sensual and well put together. Even though it was Jimin paired with sexy dancing, that style of dancing appeals to me anyway so I was just immersed. It felt a little bit theatrical too, and the red lighting was also appealing to my aesthetic. Anyone who knows me knows much I love the color red (just like Jungkook, heh). Right after, the universe decided it was going to seal the package of that round of performances with my bias. Yes, that’s right, the first round of solos was my bias list, ending off with my ultimate. Yoongi started by sitting in the middle in front of a piano and there were two strings players sitting at each side. I could hear the emotion in his voice, honestly. He kept walking closer, down the stage and delivered the verses with closed eyes. At this point, I was just watching and crying (literally). In that moment, I all of a sudden felt so thankful that I was standing there, able to see him (and them) perform in person. I’m from Florida, so needless to say, they’ve never come anywhere near my hometown. I don’t remember which ment this was in but since I mentioned that I don’t remember which ment went where and what happened in each specific one except the beginning and end one, I’ll insert this story here. So Hoseok was going to each side, getting them/us to scream. Of course the left side would still scream when he went to the right side and vice versa, but that’s beyond the point. Yoongi, after Hoseok finished both sides, growled, and I mean GROWLED like a tiger when he said, “LOUDER!” Usually the speakers in a large concert made the pitch higher, but when Yoongi growled, his voice was the deepest I had heard from him. It sent shivers down my spine (and still does at this very moment as I think back to it) and everyone went absolutely crazy. I am no exception. Every time Yoongi prompted us to be louder, lowkey highkey, I put more effort for obvious reasons. The next set of performances were in the front part of the stage, so I got a better view of it. The vocal line started with Lost. I was really impressed by how much they’ve improved their vocals. There a lot more stable now. Lost isn’t one of my favorites but I enjoyed it (as I enjoyed the performance for every song that isn’t that high up for me). Oh, I’d like to mention that by then, I’m pretty sure my body’s trembling had subsided. I think it stopped when there was a break. After Lost was Save Me, and I Need U. The choreography for Save Me was… I can’t even describe. Obviously I’m familiar with it, but seeing it in person was so good. I could definitely tell I Need U was a favorite for many because it got even louder somehow (if you didn’t know, I tend to vibe more with the tracks that are more hip-hop infused). The next set of performances were solos again and it started with Reflection. Namjoon is one of those people whom I’ve grown to admire a lot in the past four years and seeing him perform was a reiteration of that. There’s just something about the way his voice fills the stadium… that or I’m crazy. After that was Stigma, and guys, we need to talk about Taehyung’s voice. I was so accustomed to his deep singing voice. Yes, I was aware of the high notes in Stigma, but hearing it live? This probably doesn’t mean much since I was shook to the core the whole time, but I was S H O O K. Hoseok performed Mama after, and I must say, I have a newfound love for him. The choreography was very jazzy and lively, and his smile just gave me energy. That whole performance was like a vitamin. Also I had a hard time keeping my eyes on him ‘cause the main monitor behind him and a slideshow of his baby photos and babies are my weakness. After Hobi, Jin performed, and again, so impressed with those vocals. The next set of performances… this is when shit got very real for me, and this is why: the fucking CYPHER happened. Yo, I mentioned that it’s hard to hype me that much if I’m solo and in public, but you better believe I was vibing hardcore with that shit. My mannerisms were like Yoongi’s. I was too into it to notice but when I looked back at the little snapchat video I took of the beginning of his verse, I noticed we’re similar. I also do some of the dance moves Hoseok was doing (and I’m sure some of you know the origin those dances). I’m dancing while sitting at my desk typing this up, that’s how much that performance hyped me. Right after was Fire, and of course the hype did not subside (for most people, Fire is a hype song but not my favorite - dear Lord, how many times am I going to say a variation of “hype”). They had us cover our lightsticks with either a yellow bag or an orange one for it. Following was a medley of throwbacks starting from N.O. Then they did No More Dream (I was so hyped for the former two), Boy in Luv, Danger, and Run. They only did choreography for Boy in Luv out of the older songs. They did 21st Century Girl, and then it seemed like it’d be over but after lots of screaming, chanting BTS, and changing the bags on the lightsticks to create a rainbow, they came back on, starting with Hoseok dancing to Intro: Boy Meets Evil (no, he didn’t rap too). They did BS&T again and talked to us more after. Last, they performed Interlude: Wings, 2!3!, and ended with Spring Day. Most people including me didn’t leave until the VERY end, after the ending video played on the monitor and the boys bowed with everyone. As I walked out, I was a little dizzy, still dazed, but also my ears were so blocked and my throat was very hoarse. I didn’t buy merch earlier but I bought a WINGS shirt with the tour dates on the back (which I’m wearing now)... it was $10! People just went around selling them! Jas told me to look out for stuff like that. The concert was about two and a half hours but i didn’t leave until around 11:30PM because I needed an uber to go back to the Airbnb and when I first got out, they were $45, and I was like hell no because it was $14 to get to the Honda Center. I kept refreshing but the price went up to $75. Eventually I got it at $32 though. The amount of people I screamed to about it when I was lying in bed… yeah I still have post concert shock. I came back to the dorm this morning and since Anaheim Station is close to the Honda Center, I got to meet @perpetually-jungshook :’) We didn’t hang for long; I had a crowded as fuck train to catch… but yeah, that’s it. I wanna turn back time, but the moment has passed so I’ll just pray they’ll come back soon.

[blkwidowsweb]

Chicago Spotlight: A Conversation with DJ/Producer, Hula Mahone

Hula Mahone is a Chicago DJ, Producer, Remixer and Entrepreneur who has been a part of the Chicago Music Scene for over two decades.  His contributions to House music and to Chicago House Culture are undeniable and his success has crossed musical genres. I was able to chat with Hula about his career, House Music and Culture and his upcoming guest DJ appearance at this year’s Chosen Few Festival!

Interview: Hula Mahone/DJ/Producer/Remixer

Black Widow:   When and why did you start playing?

Hula Mahone:  I initially wanted to be a disc jockey like Tom Joyner.  I started playing in the 80s. I’d listen to WMBX and the Hot Mix Five and try to emulate what I heard.  I had one turntable with one receiver. (Laughter). I’d use paper to slow it down. I made a mixer and would fade songs in and out.  I saved my money and eventually bought some technics I think with round pitch. I used those for years.  It started from there.

I was in high school and Maurice Joshua, my best friend…we started throwing parties in the suburbs when I was 15.  We’d play local parties then eventually we rented out a flower shop and had parties there. We used to call it “The Complex”. You know my parents were strict. They were not trying to let me hang out all night to party, so because I was throwing the parties, it was work!

Black Widow: So that’s how you got to party? By throwing one? (Laughter)

Hula Mahone:  Yep…as long as my dad knew I was out all night working, he was cool! We were doing parties in suburbs all through high school like until ’89. I remember going to Mendel one time and coming from the suburbs, I was amazed. It was incredible! It was like the Chosen Few Picnic in a gym! It was two floors…it was so big and jam packed.  At that age, that was incredible to me! I knew this was what I wanted to do.

Black Widow: So when did producing come in to play?

Hula Mahone:  I remember I had my records stolen around ’87 and I was like, man…I’m done.  I lost the desire to play so I started producing then did that non-stop through the 90s.   I was doing house and hip-hop and R&B too.    The party scene had dried up a bit and I just started to make music.   You know we had Ron Carroll, Cashmere, Ron Trent, Lidell Townsend, they all came out under the label “Club House” and then you know I worked with the group, Hi-Five, then “Summertime” with DJ Jazzy Jeff & Will Smith. I was going nonstop producing.

Black Widow:  Do you have a favorite style of house music? If not, what are your thoughts on the different categories of house nowadays?

Hula Mahone: I like all of it but right now, I’m really digging Afro House.  I used to be against all of these subcategories, you know it’s still all house music, but now I can support it.  It plays a role in how I promote my parties. 

Black Widow:  What do you love about being a DJ from Chicago?

Hula Mahone:  I love being a DJ period.  You have the power to shift the crowd, set the mood and I just love that. 

Black Widow:  What’s your creative approach when playing a set?

Hula Mahone:  You know I like to have a plan before I head to play a party but the funny thing is that depending on the vibe, it can totally change once I’m there. I like to get there early, set the lighting, and bring my sound system. It’s about setting a mood from the moment you walk into the door.   I love breaking new music when I play at parties. Man…the last hour of a party is the best. That’s when your die-hards are still on the dance floor, you can really connect with them at that moment.  It’s the best!

Black Widow:  Does it differ when making music?

Hula Mahone:  Oh Absolutely! Producing gives me more freedom.  I have no expectations when I start working on music. I’m just trying to please myself at that point, so I’m free to play around with sounds and different things like that. As a DJ, my expectations are great.  I want people to have a good time and come back again for more. I want them to like the vibe I try to give to them.  It's about them.

Black Widow:  As a producer, what are the keys for a successful collaboration?

Hula Mahone:  You know… I like to be in the driver’s seat. I have a vision and I need the artist to trust that vision. That doesn’t mean we don’t share ideas and collaborate though.   The artist is important. It’s really an exercise in trust.  They need to trust me and vice versa.  The most important thing is being creative. It’s an organic process with creatives, that’s where the magic happens. 

Black Widow: What does it take to become a successful DJ? What skills or personal attributes are required?

Hula Mahone:  You have to know your audience. You have to connect with them.   DJ’s are like performers now, you have to have a style people connect to. 

Black Widow: that’s interesting. I always say DJs are important.  I tend to buy a lot of house music for my personal collection but it’s a difference when I play it at home vs. when I hear it in a club.

Hula Mahone: Right. That’s really where DJs distinguish themselves. It’s how they ride the groove. That’s why one song can sound totally different depending on the DJ. It’s You know you can be a DJ that can kill it on social media, mixcloud or whatever but when you get in front of a crowd, it’s totally different.

Black Widow:  What’s the key to longevity in this scene?

Hula Mahone:  House Music isn’t going anywhere. I think it’s like what “Steppers Music” was for our parents.   You know I’ve been doing the “I love House Music Friday’s” Parties now for 8 years.  There was a time when we didn’t have a spot and I was done but they wouldn’t let me. (Laughter) People were hitting me up like, “man, so where are you moving to?” or “so what are we doing on Friday Nights now”. They really forced me to keep it going.  They loved what we were providing to them. That’s the key, people want feel something when they come out, and they want to have a good time.   I’m constantly looking for new music. I love to break something new when I’m playing.  You have to balance catering to your loyal following and attracting new audiences.

Black Widow:  What are your top three tracks right now?

Hula Mahone:  I’m digging so much right now but I’m really loving Afro House, South African House right now.  I like Africa by Mr. Raoul K, this track called Allegra’s Theme, Da Beat by Black Coffee and another track called Memorial Day. 

Black Widow: You’ve been doing this now for 20+ years, how has the Chicago House Scene changed?

Hula Mahone: You know we don’t have spaces anymore. We need more spaces.  It’s too many DJs and not enough space. That’s why you see all the complaining honestly.  I really wish I had a space just for house music, not necessarily a club either, just a space where you can really have a large crowd, and a dope vibe. You know back in the day I remember going to the music box and they had a wall of speakers. It was a vibe back then but clubs here don’t know or respect the culture.  So they don’t care. It doesn’t matter that our parties are never violent; they are about that bottom line. That’s why you see the priority on other genres of music because they want to see those dollars but sometimes they get something else, the club closes and we all lose out.   I was throwing a party out in the burbs at a club that wanted me to pay for 8 security guards. I had to laugh because I’m like, you don’t know our crowd. You don’t need 8 security guards. You may need two, house people don’t get down like that.  The only thing we fight about is our music! (Laughter)

How you promote parties is different too.  For a party to be successful you have to cater your base and following but you also have to reach out to newbies via the birthday parties and such. It’s a balance.  The music has to be balanced sometimes too; you got to give people their classics and something new.  The more commercial music with the more underground.  It’s so messed up because people are always screaming about music that’s commercial but there are DJs who are good and making good music that still have 9-5s.  They can’t live off of the music because people don’t support it.  The DJs, the artists they can’t grow because people want to keep them in this “underground box”, like it’s something wrong with success. That’s odd to me.  I don’t get it.   You have to allow DJs, artists to grow and achieve success and if you like it, why wouldn’t you support it?

 Black Widow:  What does it mean to play the Chosen Few Festival?

Hula Mahone:  Man…it’s an honor to play. I mean what is this…the 27th year? It’s the biggest party in the country and it’s Chicago House Music for two days!!!  That’s just a good look for the culture! I’m just excited to get out there and do what I do. I want to connect with people who already know me and connect with people who may be hearing me for the first time.   It’s so funny because I always support the festival but this is my first year playing and I’ve known Wayne since ’88.  I always find it funny when DJs complain about not being chosen to play the picnic.  They aren’t looking at the bigger picture. This is an awesome event for the culture, for Chicago House Music, for Chicago!  Whether I play or not, I’ll always support it….AND it’s only $25!!! I mean seriously, you aren’t going to get that anywhere! Folks kill me complaining about the costs.  I mean you can’t spend $25 to help move the culture forward?  That’s a pet peeve.  The more we support the “Chicago House Culture”, the more it grows and our legacy lives! I'm all about moving our culture forward and supporting those who do the same.

Black Widow: This was awesome! Thanks so much for speaking with me!

Hula Mahone:  Anytime...It was my pleasure.

I hope you enjoyed this week's "Chicago Spotlight" with Hula Mahone! As always, check out the blog for more party reviews, artist interviews and new music reviews!

You can find more about Hula Mahone at the following:

Facebook: @ILoveHouseMusicFridays

Facebook: @Hula-Mahone

Soundcloud: @HulaMahone

Mixcloud: @Hulamahone

[soccergirl112]

May 31st, 2017

My last day of nannying. I was with the same family for 4 years, 2 months, and 3 days. Naturally, I didn’t work every day. Only for 3-4 school days per week. Not usually over breaks, although I did babysit from time to time when he was younger. He’s 14 now, so he didn’t really need that anymore. I understand. But when I started, he was only 9. A couple weeks from being 10, but still. He wasn’t really supposed to be home by himself yet. Now, he can’t have enough alone time. And I get it. I’ve been there.

But just because I understand, doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. I am so fucking grateful that I had to work yesterday. If I hadn’t, I would sat at home, crying and shit all day. During a break from teaching, I wrote him a letter. 4 pages. 4 really sappy, emotional pages. I’m sure he was thrilled with how much I had for him to read. I did it, thinking it would hurt less if I could get a bunch of stuff down on the page. That maybe then, I would get it out of my system and I would be okay. Turns out, I was very wrong. But fuck it, it was worth a try.

I wrote about all the standard stuff. About how proud of him I am, about how I think of him like a brother. Gave him some very standard and cliché life advice, of course. I reminisced a little, because I couldn’t help myself. And I also told him that I would be checking in with him. To make sure that high school is going well, to find out how he’s doing. Not just because I’m completely incapable of saying goodbye and letting go, but because I feel like I have responsibilities with this kid now, and I have to make sure that he’s doing okay. He’s an only child like me, and I know that there were millions of times where I felt alone in high school. I always wished I had someone to lean on. My parents were very supportive, much like his are, but you don’t always want to tell them everything, I wrote down my contact information, even though I know he has it in his phone already, because I didn’t want him to have any excuses to not contact me if he needs me. 

I just wish I had saved the rough draft. Or taken a picture, or something. It was pretty good. And I know I’ll forget most of what I wrote with time. I gave it to him right before I left. He said he may never see me again, I begged him to not say that (and also told him I was going to kidnap him sometimes and make him catch up with me over Slurpees or ice cream or anything he wants. But it’s definitely happening). We took a picture together because neither of his parents were home and she wanted the memory. He hugged me (for the first time since he was 9), and he walked me to the door for the last time. I made it into my car, and started sobbing as soon as I started to drive away. I went up one street and had to pull over so I could cry. And I proceeded to cry the entire way home. Tears streaming, breath staggered. I was a hot mess. Anyone driving next to me could tell, too. And you know what? I’m totally cool with that. I SHOULD have been a mess. 

But this is a hard transition. I am so excited for him to go to high school, and I am so excited to see the kind of person he grows up to be- selfishly, I feel like I should get some credit for the content of his character. But there were a lot of memories that I didn’t put in the letter, because if I had, it would have taken me an entire day to write it, and it would have been 50 pages long instead of 4. Because typing is easier, and because I need to get it out of my system, and because I never pay attention to the number of followers that I have (although I imagine that it’s still at zero), I’m going to write some of them out here. Because they matter to me. This is for me. So here we go.

I remember the first day I drove him home. My car was still silver, and I didn’t even know how to open my trunk yet. His mom met me at the school, and I took him home, so I could use the carpool lane (I had only been to his house twice and didn’t entirely know the way yet). We made small talk on the way home. I asked him a million questions. Turned out, he played piano like me. We both loved Bruno Mars. His favorite subject at the time was English. I was an English major. Within about 2 weeks, we got more comfortable. He told me stories about what happened at school. I started learning the names of his friends. It was nice. I got him a Bruno Mars piano book for his 10th birthday, along with a package of Mike n Ikes because he told me once that they were his favorite candy. He loved it. He still has the book, and he’s played stuff from it for me many times in our years together, although he’s a bit past that level now.

I remember Mr. Blair. His English teacher, who was going to tutor him in the summer, got arrested for trying to meet up with a minor. Turned out, he had gotten caught in a chat room. The 12 year old he thought he had been talking to was a cop. My boy was questioned by the police the next day, along with many others in his class. Mr. Blair never touched him. But he still cried. I picked him up that day and took him to Rocket Fizz, a candy store down the street. Because that’s what we did every Friday (every Friday, he had exams in all of his classes. I took him to the candy store every week to celebrate getting through it. He had anxiety, so I tried to give him tips and help him all the time. I thought the reward would help his nerves. Over time, it did). We weren’t super close yet, but that was the first time I saw his mom cry. 

I remember taking him to his karate lessons twice a week. We would sit in the Subway next door while he did his homework. He LOVED Subway back then. It’s all about Five Guys, Chipotle, and Togo’s now. But back then, he wanted Subway almost every time I picked him up. Sometimes we would sit by Starbuck’s because of the WiFi, but most of the time, we were there. At the same table. And we always did his math homework together. I still remember what his sandwich order was back then: turkey sandwich on wheat. No cheese. With lettuce, onions, olives, (sometimes peppers), mayo, and salt and pepper. He was just like me like that. He always ordered the same things. Each place we went to, he had “the usual.” I loved that about him. Anyways, his lessons were at 6. I would stay with him until warm ups, and then I got to go home. Sometimes I would sit with the parents and watch for a little while first. He was so cute and little. He usually wouldn’t acknowledge me once he was in the zone. But I didn’t care. He cared about it so much back then. He used to go to Baltimore for tournaments every summer.

I remember making special mix CDs for my car because I didn’t want him to hear swear words yet. The process of making CDs literally doubled because I would only put clean songs on there. He used to tell me all the time that his parents swore in front of him, but I wanted to protect him from that. I knew he would grow up and get into swearing eventually, just like I did. But I didn’t want to expose him too soon. His voice hadn’t even begun to change yet. He was still so young and perfect to me. Gradually, of course, this changed. By the end of our time together, we swore so comfortably around each other that you would have thought that we did it for years. But in reality, that only started several months before it was over. He used to sing with me in the car. We used to show each other music. I discovered Twenty One Pilots (and a couple hip-hop songs by various artists) because of him. He started listening to Panic! at the Disco and Imagine Dragons because of me. We always joked about how the other person’s taste in music was trash. 

I remember sitting in my non-air conditioned car on way too many hot days. He wasn’t happy about it. Neither was I. But he took it like a champ and only ever complained a handful of times.

I remember going through a brief period after a really bad breakup when I thought to myself, “If anything ever happened to me.... if I was in the hospital dying for whatever reason, I think he’s the only one who would care.” Now, I never think that he’s the only one, but he means more to me than most other people do.

I remember when way too many people started asking us if I was his mom/sister/aunt/cousin whatever. We got tired of explaining that I was just the nanny, but I had been with the family for long enough that I was basically honorary family. We ended up just telling people that I was his big sister when strangers asked, because it was easier. Never mind the fact that he’s half-Japanese and half-Jewish, and I’m mostly of European heritage with some Native American and Indonesian sprinkled in.... but people thought we were related all the time. He used to laugh whenever people thought I was his mom. He would call me old. I said it was because he was super short. We stopped calling me his sister as he got older, but that went on for a long time.

I remember when I got in a car accident and needed a completely new hood. Then, most of my car was silver, and the entire hood was black. It was a spectacle. I was embarrassed every time I drove it. And that little guy told me how cool he thought it was when he saw my car for the first time after the repairs. What a little liar. But it was so sweet. My heart melted. I had gotten into the accident after dropping him off at a play practice on the edge of downtown. When my dad picked me up from the scene after the tow truck was squared out, I cried the whole way home. I was just so grateful that my boy hadn’t been in the car with me when it happened. I would have died.

I remember him asking me sex ed questions because his dad wasn’t really talking to him about sex yet, and he had missed sex ed at his school that year (he was super sick that week). It was very awkward, but I was touched that he trusted me enough to talk about it and ask thoughtful questions.

I remember him talking to be about school dances but refusing to talk to his parents about it. He was horrified every time his parents offered to chaperone. He wouldn’t even talk about the general details of the dance with his mom. His dad was allowed to drop him off, but he never wanted to talk details with anyone but me.

I remember when he bailed on his bike, and they thought he had a hairline fracture. He was going quickly down a hill, lost control, and slammed into the side of a boulder that was by the edge of a little park in his gated community. Luckily, people were at the park, so he got help with basic first aid right away. But it was at the very end of the year, and he had to wear a brace on his leg (he was supposed to go to an Airsoft camp that summer). He ended up being fine in time for camp, but he was heartbroken and so embarrassed after it happened. The parents said the wouldn’t need me that week, since he was home all day, was doing homework on his own, and didn’t have any appointments he needed rides to. Knowing I wasn’t needed, but feeling ridiculously sad and guilty for him, I drove the half hour to his house every day that week, just to hang out with him. I didn’t want him to feel alone. His mom tried to pay me for my time, but I couldn’t take it. He wasn’t a job to me. He was just my friend. My little brother.

I remember playing water games with him in the summer. We hit water balloons with a Wiffle Ball bat. I told him to not aim for my pants, since my phone was in my pocket. And naturally, he then started pelting water balloons at me.  Including my pants. My phone was fine. I was kind of pissed right at first, but soon after that, we were chasing each other around the backyard with water balloons. I went home soaked that day. And it was awesome.

I remember his Bar Mitzvah. I remember him sitting in my car to get lessons from his Rabbi. I remember trying to help his mom plan and organize stuff. I will always remember showing up alone because my date bailed super last minute. But I will always remember how frigging amazing I looked that day, and how I sat up front with his family. I will remember how he looked at me during the ceremony and smiled. And even though he was already giving me a lot of sass by then, he told me how happy he was that I had been there for him. Especially since I went by myself. We all cried when his dad spoke during the ceremony. But it was beautiful.

I remember taking him to play practices, hair cuts, dentist appointments, and even one doctor appointment (I was borrowing one of his mom’s cars while mine was getting repaired). 

I remember him losing a tooth in my car, right after I picked him up from school. It was one of his last baby teeth. 

I remember him making himself gag trying to find pictures of people vomiting on the internet because he knew I got freaked out by it (talk about a backfire). 

I remember telling him to run laps around his backyard once because he had had a soda and was wiggling too much to work on his homework.

I remember him coming to my mom’s summer camp for a week our second to last year in business. He was difficult, but we recovered well.

I remember getting Slurpees with him almost every day his 6th grade year and driving around with him everywhere, because he went to tutoring at 5:30 every day and we would kill time until then. We got a lot of time to talk. We got really close during that time.

I remember finally giving him some control over the music in my car- and how he quickly went mad with power.

I remember his brief obsession with Hamilton and how he begged me to play the music in my car for close to a month. And I let him, because even though he was more prone to being a brat by then, I was trying to encourage his love of music at any cost.

I remember all of the super dark jokes we would make together. How he used to make me laugh until I cried sometimes. Joking about death and hating me and everything in between. And I always had to explain it to people, because it sounds horrible when you actually say it. But we always knew. When I was in a bad mood, he always stopped. He went very close to the line sometimes, but he never crossed it.

I remember him trying to hard to make me mad so many times, and then being so salty when he was unsuccessful. Deep down, I think he was happy that I didn’t get mad easily.

I remember playing hide and seek at his school. Even though he was in middle school already. And the texts he would send with it when it was taking me forever to find him. And how much he cheated. Dork. 

I remember taking him to the grocery store once, and being reminded of exactly how little he still is because he didn’t know how to find or pick out any of the produce he was looking for.

I remember him hating the colored contact lenses that I got. He never said anything super mean, but he said they made me look weird and that he liked my normal eyes better.

I remember him telling me that I had the cutest, littlest ears he had ever seen when he put his phone up to my ear so i could hear a song he was talking about.

I remember threatening that I would make him go into Ulta with me if he didn’t start to chill... and how that led to immediate behavior changes.

I remember talking him through arguments with his parents. Talking about life and deep things. Asking him about his future in a vague way that made it easy to talk about. About his interests. About whether he wants to have a family someday. About where he wants to go to college. And he asked me about mine, too. It was never just one-sided. And for that, I am very grateful.

I am grateful for his family. I am grateful for the memories I have written down, among the millions of others that I did not even begin to mention. 4 years is a very long time to know someone so closely. And my heart is broken, but I am so thankful for the times I got to spend with him. For the laughs, tears, and learning/teaching moments. Right now, I’m just holding onto his graduation next week. I need it. I need to know I have it. That this wasn’t the last time that I’ll see him.

He will be my little brother forever. And you know something? That feeling isn’t going to go away. Not now, not ever. I love him. And while I feel super lame for being so upset (when I knew this was coming), it’s healthy. I’m grieving. Just because I won’t be picking him up from school anymore (at least, not consistently) doesn’t mean that I won’t see him anymore. I’m going to make it work. It hurts like a bitch right now, but it will be okay. We may not see each other as often, but we will still grow together.