#i should be studying rn but this wouldnt leave my mind

[willgrahamsbecoming]

ok as much as i love the more literal interpretation of icarus (bastille) as a hannigram song (cliff mention!!!) it is so very much chilton. to me. he is The icarus

he digs his own grave again and again and again because maybe just once he'll find something down there besides his own suffering. he flies into the sun repeatedly because maybe if he manages to fly just a bit higher this time he'll reach the warmth it offers. and the wax is melting, the air is thin and he's suffocating and the sea when he falls is freezing, the salty water rushing in burns his lungs but it's not the end. it's never the end. and he'll just get back up and do it again.

icarus' life, it has only just begun - this is still the beginning. one day, he'll have his breakthrough - even if not with gideon, if not with will, or with hannibal, or the dragon. it will happen if he just continues trying. even if he falls once or twice or dozens of times. this is just the beginning.

[stomachimage4u]

So idk what in doing. Im gonna explain why i need to die. First of all nobody can convince me that i deserve to live because im a waste of space and oxygen. Everyday i wake up and play games or draw. I dont do anything productive such as studying or reading or exercising. Im too lazy to do stuff like that. Im too lazy to even write rn 😭 i wish my mind could write it for me and i wouldnt need my fingers to type. Im so lazy i dont clean my room, but its not like its too messy i just have to fold my clothes and vacuum and organise. Ok nvm my room is messy. I disappoint my mon. Sometimes i just cant bring myself to do the chores i do them from time to time but i sometimes scoff and throw myself in my bed. I dont see myself in the future. Yeah sure i have drawing skillz but can i really turn them into a job?? Nuh uh artists dont get paid a lot and its going to be even more horrible. Jobs for artist could be: commissions but you have to be very popular on social media, i mean its kinda optional but you need a lot of commissions to pay the bills. Another job as an artist could be clout but its almost same as the commissions. There are a lot of jobs, but its not like i can do any of them. They require skillz that i dont have. You could improve but it takes a lot of time. Art is just another hobby and i dont think i would take it to next level. Another reason that i should die?? For i should die?? Fuck english, is that im fucking ugly. I hate my hair because for at least 2 or 3 years i always kept it in a low ponytail because i look uglier with my hair down. I hate myself i wish I wasn’t so self conscious about my hair . I wish i could get a cool haircut without my mom saying something about it. I would still look cringe with a cool haircut cuz people dont really see me with my hair down not even my mom, and if i let my hair down they gonna b like :”omg she finnally let go of the ponytail” or sum like respectfully stfu, youre making me more insecure. I hate my face. I have a lot of pimples on my forehead. I mean its normal to have pimples but it isnt for me. Like what the fuck???? I havent eaten shit like chips and coke in since summer vacation started and my skin still looks horrible. Its true i sometimes forget to do the skin care routine because im lazy. I hate my eyebrowz. They are so fucking thick😭. I wish i should just give them a slimmer shape but my mom says that my eyebrowz are ok. Yeah, no. They arent. I hate my teeth. They are so yellowish because i sometimes forget to brush my teeth and even if i remember to brush them and actually do it, i give out no effort and i just move the brush in my mouth for 30 seconds and then leave. I dont have the BEST hygiene, i do shower two times a week but i dont really brush my hair or my teeth. I hate being a girl. I dont wanna shave but i still have to because i dont look “feminine” or some shit like stfu i dont wanna shave im lazy. In the end i still shave cuz my mom tells me its for the better. So i hate myself so much, i wanna rip my hair off my head and scream loud AAAAA. And if im so ugly, nobody would want me. I need to be pretty to feel loved. I crave some much attention and love nobody understands. I mean, my parents love me right?? Idk they both are at they jobs and come home late and idk if they forget about me or nah. So now, i have the MOST important reason why i should die. Im egoist and narcissist. I only care for myself, i do things for myself, not for others. I imagine or daydream how i would get a lot of attention and that narcissism because uhhhh i read on the internet and ur prolly gonna be like “dont believe whats on the internet” well fuck it i mean it makes sense to be narcissist and imagine getting a lot of attention. Im a bad person, i make people around me disappointed or sad. So yeah, these were all the reasons why i should die. There's one more reason. I'm stupid but I'm not gonna explain everything you get the point.

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[survivormetaverse]

Episode 14 - "This will be a fun finish" ~Amy

I'm so sorry Colin. I really thought you'd play your idol. I didn't mean to send you home, just weaken you. I was hoping to pick between Amy and Elle to send out 😬 

Sigh... I miss him 🥺 I think I'm gonna try to self-destruct this round. Keep you posted ❤️✨

Wait so Amy just told me they swapped the votes last minute on Anastasia, so she would've gotten 3 votes or something. Did nobody catch on that she had immunity then? 

Ahahahahaha fuck Colin somehow went home and it's partly my fault but it was a mix of a mess. Colin really believed jodi and jared were voting with him to get josh which seemed odd from the start. I have been talking and I think I know or as much as I can. I was the sole vote on jodi lol but I didn't get the memo to do anastasia until 859 and didn't have time to switch so I thought it would still be okay but somehow elle colin and I all voted differently lol whoopsies. Now I'm told jared used his idol on jodi but if Josh knee we were split I don't think he did. I think anastasia actually voted colin with Josh and Jared. Anastasia And jodi aren't budging that they voted elle so I guess jared could have given her the necklace to get colin. I am just so mad I didn't vote the same as elle 🤦🏻‍♀️ I'm hoping josh believes elle used an idol so he votes with me and elle. I might need to use my steal this go and that would get it to 3-3 minimum and if Josh voted with me it would be 4-3 but I think Jared still has his idol. I am legit so sad about colin like I obviously flipped to save him and legit wanted him to win and I would come in second lol now I'm worried I won't make it bc Jodi is spreading I have an idol and obviously josh wanted to flush idols last round that's why he did that. I know hosht wants anastasia in his f3 but I'm just hoping he wants jared and or jodi out more but I think he wants me and elle out ☠️ the fact is if jared still has his idol he's safe now but he need to make it seem like we are voting him. I'm just so confused about the last one hahahaha I was going around asking like I'm not mad just confused lol. And I called colin before talking through everything and myself and elle I guess said I think we are fine ☠️ I can't believe it honestly just shocked. That's the thing like even when I said jared was lying to colin whichever round before colin was still trusting him and look jared did it again he is good at lying haha shooooot. This will be a fun finish. F6 and I just don't know how it's going to end. Rn I think I'd like any mix of elle josh or anastasia at the end WITH me but I won't be surprised if it's them but also elle said they might self destruct. So basically I don't know if I should use the steal and save my idol or just idol since I think it will be live. I guess if elle just says vote me out but like I need their number the next round. If I idol then elle votes with me next go, we'd be okay until 4. That's probably as far as I'm making it lol. That's my update 😭😭😭😭 sorry colin I wish you were still here

Nothing. This round really scares me because playing in the middle could really come back to haunt me. I wouldnt mind Jared leaving then i could have a better chance of winning immunity but at the same time all these advantages and Elle’s potential idol scare me. Jared revealed that i was the one who flipped last round but im reassuring her that it was just to flush idols.

My brain wheels are turning and Im realizing how scary this round is. Me Jared or Jodi will probably be leaving unless we play exactly right. There is a steal a vote so we cant split vote... So we would have to vote either Amy or Elle and pray they dont have an idol. Also Josh is with us now yayy!! And Josh talked to me about us voting to make a move not necesserily with everyone else so we can build our resume. We just need more info at this point. Elle literally told Jodi to vote her what. And Amy isnt talking to me that hard so I think Amy has an idol maybe idk 

OKAY! Amy has a single vote blocker and we don't trust Josh bc he voted Colin (even admitted it smh have shame man COLIN IS DEAD he's not dead but i do miss him hi Colin reading this❤️). I talked to so many ppl today why does everyone want me for my brain lol it's like the opposite end of objectifying someone 😂 I'M MORE THAN AHIGHLY DEVELOPED HIPPOCAMPUS, YOU GUYS 💔 jk jk anywaysss Video called with Jodi she is so sweet ❤️ also so stressed :( hate to see it also sorry everyone I told that I didn't have anything I didn't at the time??? But then Amy gave me her vote blocker so That's gonna be a thing tonight lol. Here's the plan: - Told Josh to vote Jodi bc he's too insecure of an ally now to trust that Amy and I are actually voting... - Jared, who may or may not still have an idol idk but he's annoying me with the question of it all lol use it or lose it at this point (but ty Jared for wearing pink all the way back 💖 still have not spoken to you sicne May lol) - Use the vote blocker on Jared's vote Any believes they're voting her and I believe that's likely! Who knows lol either way: 3 Elle/Amy 2 Jared 1 Jodi (maybe) Vote blocker used, now it's 2 Elle/Amy, 2 Jared, 1 Jodi Revoteeeee Elle or Amy, Anastasia, Jodi, and Josh get to revote (or something, i forget how this game works whatever I'm fine with whatever happens tonight and I'm bored of confessing oop! Amy just told Josh I have a vote blocker bc she transferred it to me 😂 and earlier I told Josh I didnt (bc I didn't) oml so help me I try to plan so enatly but then this game get messy anyway... xoxo, gossip girl

I am not sure what to do. I wanted to do a 3-2-1 on Elle and Anastasia, but it's so risky as Amy essentially can control what the outcome of this vote is. Elle and I had a weird call. they said that they "expected to self destruct in the early merge", and "feel free to vote" for them, they "don't really want to win". That's practically code word for "I'm going to idol you out of this game". Also, I studied the Stings series wiki to see that Colin has idoled before in a previous invisible round, so that's why I thought he'd idol here. I also realized after revisiting that today might actually be a reward challenge for information from the invisible round, since that's also what happened in that same season. We must be there for tonight, it's only 10 minutes (according to Amy) but heck, we got a plan anyways. 

Wow, my first written confessional! This is only because my video confessionals will take too long to upload, and I'd hate for Raffy to give me a strike. Anyways, things got messy today but the plan right now is to split votes between Amy and Elle. The goal is for one of them to go home while also getting an idol out of the game. The reason things got messy was because we originally proposed a 3-2-1 plan to Amy, but realized (1) she wasn't fully on board with us and (2) that we couldn't burn Anastasia like that in having her be the decoy vote. If Amy is actually with us, she's going to be pissed if she's still in and realized we lied to her yet again. If Amy isn't actually with us and is leaking our discussion to others to try to redirect the target to us, then clearly I don't feel as bad.

So final plan is 2-2-2 Elle Amy (whomever) if vote stolen, it means Amy isn't with us, we vote 3 Amy Very high chance I get idoled out here, but this is about as much as I can plan. Last time I got voted out, I tried to play so perfect. So perfect I didn't get a vote. Not getting a vote ended my game ☠️ We'll see. 

https://youtu.be/CeYz2tRXRBg

~

https://youtu.be/wFgih-KTPMU

~

https://youtu.be/_RTe9xDPDes

~~~

Edgic:

Power Rankings:

Jodi: Manipulating the situation in her favor

Josh: Probably will make it to the end

Jared: Probably will make it to the end

Anastasia: Is on the bottom of the 4 person alliance

Amy: Is on the bottom but has advantages that no one suspects she has

Elle: People think they have advantages and is getting targeted over it

The group was given 5 minutes to discuss out loud who to vote out unanimously. If it wasn't unanimous, the whole group would go to rocks. After 5 minutes, they were allowed to play advantages if they wanted to. Elle chose to play their Vote Steal on Anastasia. For this round, a Vote Steal would immune the person it was used against. Additionally, this person would not be able to vote or have a say in the discussion. The group was given an additional 5 minutes. During the discussion, everyone except Elle (who wanted to go to rocks) said they would vote Elle. Then, when the vote was announced, the tribe instead went to rocks as it was not unanimous. Josh was rocked out

[the-main-characterr]

realised i forgot to watch tharntype,

will do rn.

kinda feel like i also grew out of that but eh we’ll see

types aggressive being still annoys me

y u always >:(

if i dated someone for 7 years and they still didn’t marry me, i’d be insecure ASF

i like 2gether more than tharntype

it’s prettier

you could’ve done ur alarm urself bitch

why are you talking so slow?

why are u judging em tho just watch the show

i think everyone that knows me a lil bit knows why i like 2gether more

7 years are actually a lot-

AND THEY WERE ROOMMATES

i kinda want one but i also don’t like what

i said it before and i’ll say it again: types aggressive behaviour annoys me

not tryna b judgemental but if u stick to type for 7 years u have all my respect

watching this hurts in my soul

that p’cir and phu r cool

love the sound effects

love the time i lived in when i watched the first season

if i’m so judgemental already, i also don’t like their kitchen

it’s so boring wth

wow- now i feel bad.

sorry.

the way tharn puts his phone in his front pocket is everything but *judgemental comment here* i can’t think of any bad things rn

i’m so scared of both of them like they’re always like >:(

you can’t just force someone into marriage-

no but like why would a stranger want to know if you have a relationship or not i mean you’re not going to random people and say hi we’re married

i mean i would do that but i’m the main character-

if someone “could stay mad at me” id be fucked-

yall are so sensitive just touch the bread

that phegun and p’cir are cute ngl

no like literally yall are so dramatic

i liked fiat but wth

doc is cute

just because you’re not married doesn’t mean you’re sharing him-

type improved tbh

awh they cute-

the music———————— jail

marriage.

POSSESSIVEEEEEEE

lucky me being zen-meryem rn

perfect representation on how personality can destroy everything

until this day, i still don’t know what a lines ID is supposed to be

this was too cute i’m ded

rip me

i love the sound effects yfrvjjvgjmkb

love their style

fiat u can’t just-

come for a taken man that’s the most disgusting thing possible

like even if he wasnt happy with tharn or in a toxic relationship it’s not ur stupid job to manipulate and steal wth

leo u have all my respect

wouldnt mind being ur bestie

stfu fiat u r a toxic attention seeking bitch that is nothing more but unethical

selfish brat

this is cute-

love

ngl the fact it’s been 7 years n they stilsbxbwjbdwbbx

cute

ok leo i understand why u took it back but i still respect u for even doing it

phugun is too possessive

of p’cir idk the names but one of them

the not cute one

idk why yall hate on no so much he funny af

oh i see

phugun is the cute one

P’CIR IS TOOO POSSESSIVE

let the man live wth

seo is literally it dnxjdbjdbsbf

what did actually happen to the guy that’s been a bitch and possessed over tharn

lol i actually feel bad for type. it’s the first time i see him EMOTIONAL and damn-

must hurt.

omg istg i also wonder why he doesn’t quit

this is too much I CANT

Imma suffocate on the cutegsbsbdbbd ah i’m dying

hmph ig im just to tough to cry😤

WOAH

heart attack-

SHXBHSBC A MAN

doc, ily

this picture-in-picture thingy is so cool

i remember a time type didn’t want to admit he missed him

the hdhxb ishdiuebchw immaculate

fiat i’m scared of u

“every time i really want someone, i never get them” FELT. FELT FELT FELT difference is that my dumbass don’t want them when they want me🥲 it’s ok. time knows what it’s doing

fiat u r heartless

imagine having a healthy relationship with ur mother in law

yall be having literal bodyguards

i could SELL MY SOUL HE DID SOMETHING IN THAT DRINK

ok i wasn’t sure about it but by the amount that guy said cheers i couldn’t be more convinced that this man is evil

the fact that he didn’t tuck his shirt is the whole evidence

DATE ALREADY I CANT HHGGYYGCCXDDXCGBB U N CHAMP FOREVER

doc-

you heard him don’t leave him

HUH WAIT I HAVE TO WAIT!?

THOUGHT I CAN

WATCH IT ALL THROUGH

if you don’t move ur ass rn i’ll come to thailand myself n kick ur ass

too invested-

JANUARY 22?/!/£:!.!3):£WHAT

i cant-

okay cool i waited a few weeks imma continue wasching now

oh i remember. i was yelling at that basketball kid

STOP ASSAULTING A DRUNK PERSON AH J CANT MY EYES

omg leo thanks u saved my life thank u ily

you don’t have to be on top of him just to question him-

be scared stupid bitch

types just simply sleeping somewhere completely left alone👁👄👁

DUDE WHY U SO AGGRESSIVE

i CaN bE yOuR hUsBaNd BITCH ION REALLY THINK SO

WOW

I FORGOT UR NAME BUT DAYUMN SHOW HIM

i wish i had someone that kept his promise under every circumstance

ppl that promise me things b like i NeVeR sAiD tHaT hUhH

yall just so addicted to each other like chill

if i’d marry someone, i’d feel so old

like hi i’m MARRIED

stop with the i miss u it’s so emotional

tharn you look so done with ur life lmfao

fiat you’re so annoying istg

cant u just ply basketball and leave these ppl alone like piss off

why yall crushing on type crush on me

fiat go study or sumn srsly

STOP

omg STAHP HE JUST SAID WATCH UR KNEE

DONT U FUGGIN KISS HIM OMFG

ah doorbell.

thanks.

phu you’re so funny

WHAT- wth fiat please stop you’re ridiculous

For seven years, i’ve never had eyes for anyone but him. damn- imagine-

my hearts b shattering ITS NOT HIS FAULT

well okay there’s a lot of evidence against

STILL

ITS NOT HIS FAULT

i mean i see tharns point but

ARGHZBSHSBXBWBXB

for personal reasons i will be passing away

the audacity of this bitch is giving me ANGER

imagine buying wedding rings just to come home n hear “we should take a break”

fuck anger i’ll cry

why even want fiat💀

AH DONT CRY J CANT HSBSHABX

phu you’re so cute like THE CHARACTER

thanya you’re such a queen i can’t explain

this scene is so funny they all b sitting there like 👀👀👀👀👀

MY SOUL

you disgust me.

ok first off phu gun your style is so cool like that white shirt- FABULOUS 10/54

n second off, my dumbass felt like WHO IS THAT MAN HITTING ON FIAT I KNOW HIM

silly me it’s cir-

handsome man ngl

WHY DROP UR SUITCASE HUH

don’t tell me he died

oh god he didn’t die-

WHATS THE MATTER THEN

you guys are so sensitive can’t get hurt at all

always going like OH SHIT I NEEDA GO TO THE HOSPITAL

“cant even make an instant noodle” that’s why we admire u lmao

ok chill u just spilled it

you look so cute when u pissed at urself shxbsbc

ah thanya u r so cool

HERE IT IS THE HEALTHY MARRIAGE I WAS SEARCHING IN THIS SERIES OMFG

“lack of communication can even break apart the most loving relationship” SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PPL IN GHE BACK

COMMUNICATION, WHAT A LOVELY WORD

this series is fulfilled now

i could listen to these two forever

i cant with leo and fiat fcstvhjfftc

don’t act like the shy bitch now u stoopid

this is hard to watch ew

khom being a philosopher of love fxtvjbj

he didn’t just leave his i miss u

yall tryna get drunk with my heart

STOP CRYINGGGGG

im gon suffocate

stop i didn’t start this show to murder myself

pls calm ur face u look so aggressive

i wonder how many times tharn talked to sleeping type in those 7 years

u r basically talking to a wall

OH

HE WROTE THAT SONG

oh just to be someone to know what ordained is

those blue thingys r so cool

thanks this is everything i needed

doc champ, how long shall i wait

he’s not bald-

did they even cut his eyebrows-

oh monk.

didn’t they shoot these scenes during rona-

those r some fire makeup skillz

HE DID NOT

YOURE SIMPLY PLAYING WITH HIS HEART

WHATDIDHESAYYYY

officially ripped my heart into pieces

that was definitely not a kiss kiss

[wern]

im literally just whining under the cut sorry

---

school-shooter-type kid (who i mentioned before and it was rude of me to call her that but anyways) from my abnormal psych class sat down and started talking to me while i was in the middle of studying, and every time i would say something she would respond with something that was like.. irrelevant and completely about her. and at one point she brought up that she does let's plays on youtube and has a "really big following," and i was like uh ok cool. and she wouldnt stop talking about it?? like.. im begging you to let me study lmao... we're both in this class i know you have to study too. anyway at one point i mentioned i have adhd and 5 mins later she was like "i was diagnosed with adhd but i dont think it's true because i got a 76 in psych101 when the average was in the 60s" and im like girl please go fuck yourself i got an 88 in that class??

and i guess she decided that we were gonna study together bc she was like "we should go downstairs and get working"..... and then we go down to the lower level of the library and she brings out her youtube to show me her videos?? (keep in mind i have my time scheduled down to the minute for the next 5 hours until the abnormal psych exam)...

and she shows me her account, and it has 80 followers..... 80.....

so whatever we start studying, but she keeps reading out loud so i cant concentrate, and she's also like, criticizing what im choosing to study?? even though she didnt even know there were midterm practice questions on the course website??

and then she comes out as trans to me, which was pretty cool bc im not out to her as anything so like yeah that was like a leap of faith? but then im like "oh me too", and she starts asking me if im planning on going on hormones??? and im like "uh no" and she's like "oh so you're just trending it out?"

"TRENDING IT OUT"

i am LOSING IT. LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE!!!

but finally 20 mins later im like well! i rlly gotta go study! on my own! bc i cant fucking concentrate!!

and she's like "oh before you go will you add me on facebook and youtube?"

and im like uhhhhhh i dont rlly have either of those (which is true about facebook, i dont add people on facebook like ever basically, and i really dont want to follow anyone i know irl on youtube). but she's like "no you don't need a youtube account to follow me there (??), here take out your phone. i'll show you"

so i take my phone out and im like "oh okay i see how to do it sure ill follow you ok bye!" and ran away

so now im following this fucking youtube let's player or whatever (..and the one video she showed me was just her screaming at the top of her lungs like she was dying bc she lost the game)

im gonna kms lmao could she not have picked any other day

and i havent even included all the other little "negs" she threw at me for the whole 2-3 hours we were talking, like EVERYTHING was about subtly proving her superiority but at the same time trying to gain my approval and it just. i cant rn. i havent slept in 24 hours and the effects of the 60mg vyvanse i took last night wore off about 3 hours ago. bye!

[saintkimora]

well i finally found time to type this all up so! here is the story of how last last friday and saturday night went (not the ones from this weekend but the weekend before so like a week and a half ago). it isnt really a nice story but it is significant. first part is tristan then joel then tristan again, the tristan parts are good but the joel part is pretty bad. this is only part 1 btw! sorry @ that one anon a few days ago bc this might make you even more mad lmao

first part: tristan! so on friday i was in the library holding an online eboard meeting for gsa and tristan (the first guy i talked to for a while then hooked up with like 2 years ago and last christmas eve) was apparently studying in nexus which is the building next door to the library. and he sent me a snap (it was clearly the type you send to a lot of people it wasnt like an individual one) of him captioned i hate studying so i sent him one saying i hate planning events bc thats what i was doing. so we snapped back and forth for a while and then the library closed so i was leaving and he was like “come say hi to me in nexus” so i was like ok! 

so i went and sat across the table from him and we talked for like an hour and a half and it was so nice! hes v good to talk to but our conversation dynamic was kinda similar to me and joel’s dynamic so that was interesting. he called me my voice cute at the beginning bc i was like “sorry if i sound weird im a little congested today” and he was like “no you sound like you always do, its cute” so i was like hm so then we talked and caught up and it was very good conversation! then at one point after asking how i was in general he was like “so how are you doing....romantically” and i told him how i was with someone rn but i was kinda having some issues and he was like oh ok and i asked him and he said hes looking but its hard bc people keep ghosting him so i was like aw :/ (but on the inside i was like well thats what you get for ghosting me all those years ago lmao) 

also at one point i told him i go to the gym now so i have a little bit of muscle and he was like “yeah haha sure” and i was NOT about to take that so i was like “i can show you right now if you want” (i was wearing a tank and a zip up hoodie) so i took off one hoodie sleeve revealing my arm and i flexed and he was shook he was like “oh wow you werent kidding, thats actual progress” and i was like ha

after an hour and a half he had to go meet his friends or something so i went home. overall it was super nice! i loved talking to him so later that night i just sent him a nice text thanking him for spending time w me and saying how much i enjoyed it and then he thanked me for keeping him company and said he really enjoyed catching up so that was nice! then later that night things took a turn for the worst.....

so at this point it was friday night and joel and i were texting as usual, we were having a nice convo and were making jokes and what not. then after i asked about his day he texted me this “its fine but i just got another fucking email from slut A and im over it” and i was like “slut A......” and he was like “fucking tinamarie” (the girl who always causes trouble for his theatre club that gets him really pissed off even though it really isnt that serious) and i was like “yeah i figured but did you really need to call her that” and he was like “if youre literally gonna criticize every single word i say then im just gonna stop talking” so then i apologized like 3 times but he left me on read and didnt talk to me for the rest of the night

so! the second i read that final text i had like......a panic attack? or something? idk but it was a mess i got soooooooo cold instantly like i put on sweats socks a hoodie and 2 blankets and i was still trembling and my teeth were chattering so hard i couldnt even talk bc it just came out as gibberish and my toes were numb and my heart was beating fast and you know all that good stuff. i texted several hunties but none of them answered so i decided to text tristan! he was v nice and he comforted me and talked me through it which i appreciated. but like getting that text reminded me so much of the texts i would get from caleb so it just made all those feelings come rushing back and it was v overwhelming but i wasnt about to call joel about it bc he was already mad at me and i was scared i was gonna make it worse

about an hour later i sent him a long text saying how sorry i was bc he wanted to vent to me and i shut him down when i shouldve just taken his side and stuff bc i wanted to try to fix the situation. half of it was lies though like i was not sorry for what i did at all bc he should not be calling this tinamarie girl that! he didnt read that text until the next morning but even after he didnt respond. he was def still awake when i sent it though bc i saw him active on fb messenger slightly afterwards. anyways the next day tristan texted me again to check on me and see if i heard from joel which i hadnt by that point but i really appreciated that he went through the effort of doing that! joel and i had plans to go to the mall that day so i texted him around 4pm (this is saturday now) saying i hope his auditions went well and asking if he wouldve still liked to go to the mall w me. he said he wasnt feeling up for it bc hes tired and i was like not up for the mall or not up for me and he was like just the mall, you can come over instead. so i went over and brought him popeyes bc he was hungry and we hung out and watched dragula and talked and it was like a completely normal day so i was a little surprised he didnt bring up the events of last night. so like 3 eps into dragula s1 i asked him if he could pause it so we could talk so he did and this is where things got worse

so i was like “so....how are you feeling about what happened last night?” and he was like “well it was fucking annoying because i wanted to vent to you and you tried to school me, im already socially conscious, i know its wrong but it was the first thing that came to mind at the time” and i was like “well if you are mad at a woman and your first instinct is to call her that then that might be a problem” and he was like “can i be a fucking human?” like ???????????????? the STUPIDEST excuse like that makes no sense! you can be human without saying misogynistic things like.....annoying. he just had soooo many excuses he was like “oh its ok bc i would never actually say that to her face” like...ok great to know that being socially conscious is just a performative thing for you! if you only do it in public but are still problematic in private then like...whats the point

he was also like “it may seem like a small issue that isnt important to you but her emails are actually a huge problem. YOU wouldnt know since your organization isnt as involved, but her actions affect every area of the organization so its stressful to deal with her” like heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeereeeee we go again idk why he always tries to drag my gsa for no reason. i didnt even say he couldnt be stressed or angry with her i just said he shouldnt call her what he did! 

so now for when it got personal. so i told him i was like “i know you were mad and wanted to cool off so i wasnt gonna force you to talk to me, but it wouldve been nice if you just sent me a text like ‘oh perry im mad and dont wanna talk rn, i need some space ill talk to you later’ instead of just ignoring me for the rest of the night” and he was like “well i didnt have time i had too much going on with the organization” and i was like “i mean it takes 10 seconds to send a text” and he was like “well i didnt want to” OH so now the truth comes out! and then he was like “i was already stressed out with the email so then its like ‘oh now i have to deal with perry too’” and like..............that was really hurtful bc literally the main reason i rarely ever bring up any issues i have to him is bc hes already so stressed with everything else and i want to be a source of happiness in his life not another source of stress so im afraid to bring things up bc i dont want to add to his stress and be another thing that he has to “deal with” so like, he literally vocalized the exact reason im afraid to talk to him about these things so its just confirmed my suspicions and now i feel even worse about bringing up any issues i have with him 

i didnt tell him about the panic attack yet but i did say “well i mean im sure you can tell i was upset, since i sent you a long ass apology text an hour after the convo ended. and if it was the other way around and i knew you were upset about something i said i wouldve dropped everything and called you right away to fix the issue” and he said.............. “well im not gonna prioritize you” like.... !!!!!!!!!!!!! ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! great! we already knew i was at the bottom of his priority list but at least now he basically admitted it :/ i was just like well ok

that is the end of part 1 bc im splitting up this post lol

[marsupial-tapir]

unnecessarily long list of decision-making factors

the problems boil down to these 2 main things:

1. should i take the insect physiology course, which would make 5 courses

and

2. should i change my language diploma from spanish to german

so for 1, positives are: 

-  insect physiology looks Rad as Hell, and i want to take it at some point anyway

- if i’m going to take it eventually, next semester is the best time to do it because i’ll have a friend doing it (who is really sweet and i really want to get to know better but she’s graduating next year, so now’s really my last chance)

- also now’s a good time because i’ll be taking the course right after 2 other entomology courses, so the content will be fresh in my mind and easier to take in than it will be in later semesters

- to fit in all the electives i want to do and still graduate on time, i need to take 5 courses in some semesters anyway

- this is an ok subject to do as a 5th course because it’s non-contact, so i won’t need to squeeze any classes into my timetable

- i have a weird amount of space free on my timetable rn, which leaves lots of time to study. i might not get that in later semesters

- basically if im going to do this subject, now’s a really really good time

- i took 5 subjects last year and survived

negatives:

- i say “i survived” but a large contributor to that was that i spent 5 of the critical academic months on an enormous unrealistic energy high, which im well and truly off now, and i dont know if it’ll be back at the right time to get me through 5 subjects again

- as well as the 4 other subjects, i need to work 16 hours a week and also eat, sleep,, communicate iwth other people,, be a person,,

- also when i say “i survived” yeah i did but the aftermath wasn’t fun and towards the end (and afterwards, and recently ongoing) i had some pretty nasty lows and its really unfair to make people around me deal with that just so i can get a kick out of learning, even if it pays off for me

- if i take this course, i’ll be doing 3 third-year courses, as well as a language and at least one other second year course, and the 2nd year is marine science so there’s a good chance i’ll be hyperfocussing on that and studying it to the exclusion of the other subjects (although the same case can be made for insect physiology so)

- can i do it?? yes probably but at what cost

- also when i try to enrol in it i get an error message saying Please Do Not Enrol in This Many Courses, You Must Contact the Dean For Permission If You Want to Die and maybe i should take that as a sign from wiser powers

- yeah i’d need to enrol late by the time i get permission so maybe my chance is gone?? idk

aand problem no.2: spanish or german

arguments for spanish:

- i already took 2 courses in it last year

- if i continue this diploma, i know i’ll be able to graduate on time, whereas starting this german diploma later might make it a struggle to fit (i still MIGHT be able to do it but it’ll be a little harder)

- it’s useful??

- i dont know anyone in the course but maybe that means potential to make new friends?? didnt really work this year but there’s always more chances i guess

arguments for german:

- so when i started the language diploma last year i was tossing up between spanish and german, and chose spanish purely because i had a friend doing it and, in the absence of other deciding factors, that won the day

- BUT the friend dropped out after a semester so now im all on my lonesome.... a tragic victim of social awkwardness in a class that requires a Lot of interaction.... yikes

- now im leaning towards changing to german because i have 3 friends doing it, and i know at least two of them are majoring in it so won’t abandon me (i know its probably not a great idea to pick classes based on friends but from experience it makes a Lot of difference especially in a language course)

- there’s a vague possibility i might be doing a postgrad in germany, so it’ll be useful, whereas im unlikely to do a postgrad in a spanish-speaking country (the reason for this is that uni’s free in germany, otherwise i wouldnt even consider leaving home but yknow. ive got 3 more years to potentially develop an adventurous spirit)

- i studied italian in high school and spanish is quite similar, and i feel like i kind of want to try a different language family? i have a good foundational knowledge of latin languages now, i want to get a broader knowledge of other stuff

- german looks really cool and ive always wanted to learn it

- if i do german i’ll be taking a first year course, which will be much easier than taking a 2nd year course like i will be for spanish (and might be a big help if i end up doing 5 subjects)

- i still want to continue spanish but now that i know a bit, it’ll be easier to continue it on a more casual basis (e.g. at the iml at uni), whereas starting german from scratch will be easier if im doing it as an organised part of a degree

- even if i don’t end up finishing the diploma by graduation, i won’t have lost anything by learning another language. the content will be valuable even without a certificate to prove it

- overall german will be easier (at least this semester), its more enticing rn and seems to have a lot more positives going for it

- ??? theres probably more to say but i forgot

current enrolment sits at 4 subjects, plus one because atm im enrolled in both spanish and german but will drop one when i finally decide. if i drop one now i can pick up insect physiology, otherwise i’ll have to email and grovel for late enrolment later if i decide i want to do it. but at this stage, if nothing changes: i’ll be doing 4 subjects, but no verdict on the language as yet

[vlr0]

kay uhm this is me kind of venting and its a bit #negative i think and idk im always so nervous about posting personal stuff online anyway ill put it under a cut feel free to ignore it its fine vbut i need to clear mny minbd a bit

mmmh okay i dont actually know how to explain it but the thing is lòately ive been kind of sad and tired and miserable and bad in general about myself & my life, i always feel stressed and nervous and every time i make a mistake i feel terrible and lately i feel like everything i do is a huge mistake

but like. one of the worst things for me is trying to understand like. why am i feeling like this? like is it the situation im in, is it because im overreacting, is it because Thats How I Feel All The Time? to be fore specific: ive been skipping two exams that i will have to try again in june, and i have another one in april but the thing is that i had the time to study but i didnt because of Bad Decisions i made. it made me feel really bad, cause it reminded me of last year (it was only last year!! it feels like 5 years ago wth!!) when i skipped my first exams cause i didnt want to study, and i felt miserable again, and in the end i ended up dropping out of tyhat degree course and changing it

and liek this lead to many different questions like, am i doing the right thing? am i just not good at studying should i just leave uni altogether? but then id end up working in my mothers shop all the time and it makes me feel even worse, also what other thing should i do? was this course a mistake am i just beng sad about the exams and making it too big? and then i end up trying to understand if all this sadness and general bad feelings are just tied to this thing or if its somethign else.

and like rn im trying to understand if its just this kind of stuff (anxiety for future/academic success/good life in general i guess) or if its more stuff cause like.... i have kind of a bad self esteem and i feel at times isolated even tho i have friends who love me and i love them and i have my family who loves me, but sometimes i feel so lonely and sad and i feel like i have no obne to talk to even if i know anyone who cares about me would help me and try to cheer me up but i feel like such a bother to them and a burden. and again i feel like im over exaggerating stuff? like im making things up and im actually okay even tho i dont feel like it? idk how to explain it

like tehres also some other things but im a bit embarassed to talk about them also the question Is It Real or Just A Phase is always on my mind and yeah this post is getting repetitive wow imn saying the same thing 100 times

basically yeah i keep trying to find other reasons to see if its just a general thing or if i would feel better and my life would feel better if i changed myself and some other stuff, or if its just like this this is who i am, or if its a bit of both

but at the same time there are periods where im okay like. there are periods where i was really Happy and i felt like i was doing good and was making good choices so it cant possibly be like, a thing that always happens. like there were times where i was sad even then but not this much so i cant be depressed is basically what i think and i feel so bad and guilty for even considering it an option but here i am, still thinking that there must be a reason for how i feel

and also since i actually spend all the time at my computyer playing overwatch/watching stuff having kinda fun with it, maybe if i was less lazy and more productive i wouldnt feel this bad and i would actually be a better person but i feelm like ill never change and im just doomed to be like this all the time but still its my fault so why am i complaining ?

i guess it all boils down to the fact taht i actually wanted to ask to see a therapist for a while, but im scared that my family wont think its necessary cause i dont talk about them of this stuff, and im scared if i tell them they will tell me to get over it

and im scared if i actually go and tell this hypothetical therapist all of this theyll tell me im actually fine i shoudl jst get over it and  its actually normal to be liek this all the time, or that iots just my current situation and i shoudl work to change it and idek where to start or what to do

and i also feel really bad cause lots of epople have it worse than me and they like. have a reason i guess but i feel like my life is Just Fine like pretty average and i have no reason to feel like this so wthn is wrong with me????

yeah basically what im wondering is if its all Real or im just Faking It and all this situation is kinda. killing me. mh