#i spent so much energy on this probably not gonna post till next month

[minami-mad-fish]

Yeahwgust day 27. “A Whole Heap of Trouble”

~~~

I got inspiration from Rango soundtrack and thought it was funny imagining Postie running around Camp Golf field for her life, screaming at the top of her lungs and all the dumb soldiers that see her are like "ayo what she doing?! She's chasing after the cazadores?!?" as Rango and the hawk scene.

[tamagochiie]

happy new year to you

pairing: tsukishima x fem!reader 

genre: angst (?), fluff

warning: none

synopsis: Its New Year's Eve and you're all alone. Well, not really.

Tsukishima, the only friend you've managed to make since you've moved from the country side, comes to visit you after work without any particular reason. Whether it's to fill the space during after hours at your work or pester you with his sarcasm and cockiness; he always seems to come back.

a/n: I wanted a brain break from writing the bonus chapter for the Kenma series: Life As We Know It. The more I worked on it, the more I got a headache, so I really dunno when I’ll be able to post it, so please be patient with me :( 

The clock strikes upon the final hour before the new year, and the glimmering streets of Shinjuku echo with hearty laughter and drunken cheers of joy.

Standing on the other side of the glass window, you watch as strangers flow past you in groups and in pairs, all seeming to have the time of their lives while you go back to busying yourself by mopping the creaky wooden floors of the barren, dim lit bar you work in.

Nostalgia, rather than jealousy, pours over your thoughts as you imagine what your friends back home could be doing. They’re probably preparing bento boxes together at Yachi’s house to see the hatsuhinode later; and the thought causes your lips as much as your heart to sink.

As much as you wanted to go home for the holidays, you’re the breadwinner and if making money meant working through the holidays, then you would do exactly that.

Ugh, I wanna be home.

It had been another long night spent with you deciphering a string of intricately slurred orders from one borderline drunkard to the next. Truth be told, if it wasn’t a part of your job, you wouldn’t converse with any of the customers or dive head first into a sea of personalities, but out of all eyes you’ve met and smiles you exchanged, the one that mattered to you most had yet to make his appearance.

That is, until you hear a knocking against the glass.

You flinch back to your senses and your attention is no longer settled on the tiny rain droplets sliding down the window, but to Tsukki. He lazily waves at you with a sly smirk painting across his lips. You smile widely, teeth showing and everything; you quickly motion him to come inside.

Any worry of him being later than he already is that weighed heavily on your shoulders suddenly becomes light as a feather and floats away as the wind from outside breezes in.

“You seem extra happy to see me tonight,” Tsukki cooes your name like he has many times before, and you’re usually annoyed. The only difference is, you don’t mind it this time. You let it slide because today has been a bit unkind.

His wavy blonde wisps barely graze against the frame of the door. With one hand buried deep in his jacket pocket and the other carrying a grocery bag,  he holds his head up high like his pride. His sunglasses perched proudly on the tip of his nose.

“Sorry I’m a bit late,” He sighs, ambling behind you as you make your way around to the other side of the island. He takes a seat on the stool across from you, shifting in place before setting the grocery bag down next to him. He leans all of his weight onto his elbows, placing his chin in the dip of his palm.

Through the green hue of his sunglasses, Tsukki watches you pull two tall glasses from below the bar and set it between the both of you. You swipe two cans of diet coke from the ice chest  and begin to prepare his usual: chilled diet coke with no ice.

It had something to do about his teeth being sensitive.

You pass him his glass and meet his gaze; a smug smile paints across your lips. “What’s with the shades, Tsukki? Were the stars too bright for you?”

He chuckles at your poor attempt of a joke and flips you off before taking a sip. Setting the glass down and keeping his collected disposition, Tsukki slides the shades off his nose.

Your lips sink to a frown and you suck the air between your teeth. A deep, trying sigh escapes you when you see his face sprinkled with fresh cuts and bruises.

“ God, you’re like a teenage boy.” You shake your head, pushing yourself off the counter.

“Hey, just remember that feeling you had when you saw me earlier,” His voice was gruff and croaky like he’d been punched in the throat, and by the looks of his face, it’s possible. “I saw that smile. You missed me.”

“You’re pretty cocky for someone who looks like they’ve been bitched slapped senseless.” You retort, rolling your eyes.

“You should see the other guys,” Tsukki teases, smirking. And though his tone is a bit impish, the fact he fought with more than one guy made you double take.

You relieve yourself with another deep sigh, leaving him behind as you go to the back to grab a first aid kit, a small bucket of ice, and cloth.

You’d only known him for a little while and you weren’t exactly close, but he was the only friend you had managed to make since you moved from the countryside for uni. He wasn’t the best company to have, but he wasn’t the worst either.

He was... good enough.

Since the night you met, it became a common occurrence to have him show up during the peak hours of the night all battered and bruised while you were closing up shop.

The midnight sky wept and the winds were not merciful, so you rushed to haul the chairs into safety before it could be whisked away. And just as you were about to carry in the bar's sign, you found him slumped into a corner, head tilted back.

His face looked like a badly bruised pear. His long, lanky legs stuck out to the narrow pathway, his feet soaked beneath the rain.

You were more curious than you were afraid, so against your better judgement, you inched closer to him, knelt beside him and checked for a pulse. As faint as it was, it was enough for you to gather the little strength you had left to prop him onto his feet and stagger back inside.

Breathless, you sat him in a booth, lulling his head onto the leather backrest of the couch before running to the back for the first aid kit and freezing diet coke because everything like that night, it was unlucky and there wasn’t any more ice.

It took him a while, but he eventually woke up; flustered and drenched in a mixture of rain water and his own sweat. Pupils dilated and full of adrenaline.

You struggled to get him to sit still, swatting away your attempts to help him until all the fight slowly left his body like a light bulb losing its energy. But when he was all able and well, he’d get up and walk out without even a thank you.

The days that passed would smear together like a poorly done Jackson Pollock painting that you would forget the whole thing had even happened.

That is until a familiar tall frame would stride into the bar one night, eyes searching the room till he found you.

Tsukki’s visits were sporadic at first, and it was always during after hours. He wasn’t as kind as he is now. Is he kind? He was like the dead of winter: painfully cold and bitter. At first, he wouldn’t bother a breath to say a single thought or even murmur a word.

Though, he’d trudge in looking tired, stumbling over his feet looking like he came fresh from a fight, or if he was lucky, just tired. He’d take a seat in front of you sometimes burying his head into his arms and take a nap or if you were lucky, he’d ask for a diet coke.

But nevertheless, his eyes are always the same: as light as the sun could gleam, but no sign of life. As far as you were concerned, he was merely a pretty shell.

You never understood why he kept coming back, especially since he pretty much gave you the cold shoulder for the first two months he cycled into his nightly visitations; but you never really bothered to ask.

You even stopped pestering him with any sort of questions about anything he did with his life, knowing full well he’d tell you to mind your own business.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t stop you from worrying.

“You should really stop getting into fights.” You move around the island and take a seat on the stool beside Tsukki, setting the first aid kit onto the table. “You scar more and more every time I see you.”

“Are you worried about me?” He chaffs, cooing your name in mockery. You ignore him and tell him to move a little closer, the fluorescent light flickers above you both, allowing you to see the cuts a little clearer.

He smells like old cigarette buds and cheap store bought soap. It’s a peculiar smell, but it isn’t as peculiar as his lifestyle.

“I’m annoyed by you.” You deadpan, beginning to dab away at the wound marking his forehead.

“Well, aren’t you gonna to ask me?” You grimace at him, harshly pressing the cotton against his wound. He flinches away from you and meets your overt eyes, “S-Sorry…”

“Even if I were to ask you, it’s not like you’d tell me.” Tsukki’s walls stand taller than his pride and are even more guarded than a mother to her own child.

“So, why keep helping me, huh?” He clicks his tongue and inches a little closer to you. He’s testing your sense of boundaries, but you’re unfazed. Instead you rip open a bandaid and slap it on him, causing him to seethe at you like he was a cat you threw into a tub of water. “I could be a serial killer, you know. Or someone really dangerous.”

You chortle, crinkling your nose at Tsukki’s cringe worthy strive to be mystifying. For the umpteenth time since he walked into your life, you bury your eyes into the back of your head.

“I like it better when you don't try so hard to be scary,” You tease, smiling at him and he mirrors you, playfully tilting his head just a little. “If you were gonna kill me, I’m sure you would’ve done it by now.”

You wipe off the dried speckles of blood and dirt sticking to his face. Though, the more you try to wipe it away, you begin to question what exactly he is capable of, and if it's his blood or someone else’s.

Like he usually does, Tsukki ignores you and shifts the conversation by asking you about your week. You tell him about your early morning class and the uncomfortable commute there. You lie about having lunch with your friends because tell him you didn’t have any to spend it with would be too embarrassing for someone as cocky as him to know.

There isn’t much about you to share; your life slides on the average side of the weighing scale of coolness. So, you worry you might be boring him, but as you clean the tiny scratch near the corner of Tsukki’s eye, you realize he’s looking at you like a shiny, lucky penny laying on the ground.

He’s looking at you with softness in his eyes and a subtle smile.

Fluttering. That’s what you feel tickling the pit of your stomach and you choose to yield from it, clearing your throat. You flicker your eyes to the plastic bag sitting behind him. “What’s in the bag?”

Without turning away from you, Tsukki extends his arm and reaches for it. He places it on his lap and you pull back, watching him as he pulls a pink cardboard box like the ones from the bakery; and lets the plastic float down to the floor.

“I don’t know much about you,” Tsukki begins, clearing his throat and wriggling in his seat.

For the first time since you’ve met him, all you saw was a walking brick wall that had the personality of dick. For the first time, you see him nervous and a little fidget-y and you enjoy it.

“But I do remember the things you share with me in true confidence even when I don’t always return the favor.” You bite down on your lip, containing your laughter at the sight of Tsukki with his head hanging low, straying away from your gaze. “In the last six months since you took me in that night, you show me kindness.”

You straighten your back and widen your tired eyes when he opens the little box and pulls out a tiny frosted cupcake with a very small candle standing at the top.

You blink because blinking is all you can manage to do.

You didn’t think he’d remember because you merely shared it in passing through a sea of useless information you exchanged between each other and two glasses of fizzy diet coke.

“No one should have to spend their birthday by themselves, don’t you think?” He finally moves his head to look at you and you swallow thickly, lips dried as you realize that all your hiding had been pointless.

But all you can manage is smile, grateful at the gesture and overwhelmed by soft tickling in your stomach. You want to cry because you’ve finally been met with gentleness even if it came from a stranger.

Tsukki looks at his watch and slowly begins to count the seconds. “Happy birthday,” He says your name quite differently than before. Your name sounds like a tune of your favorite song that you’ll wanna replay again and again. “Make a wish that counts because that damn cupcake was pretty expensive.”

You pout as he quickly falls back to his usual self. Clasping your hands together and closing your eyes, you do as he says and conjure the best wish you can make.

With your teeth tugging at your bottom lip, silencing the leftover thoughts lingering in your mind, you wish for happier memories and more friends, but most importantly, though you find him odd and a little annoying, you wish Tsukki could stay by your side.

But it's too bad that out of the three wishes you confidently offered to the gods, they’d choose to decline the one.

[cal-puddies]

without me || ashton irwin

a/n: its long, its angsty. its got drug and alcohol abuse, mentions of rape etc. this has been a huge undertaking so any and all feedback is 100% welcome.

You couldn’t be sure how Cal talked you into this.

Sure. Ashton was in rehab, but even if he completed it, it didn’t mean the two of you were getting back together. And you didn’t really see the point in giving him that hope either.

You stood, Calum’s strong hand gripping your wrist to keep you from running. You felt the slight tug from Luke’s fingers at your back belt loop, also meant to keep you in place. Ashton walked through the door with a doctor, he was laughing. He looked like the Ashton you fell in love with and spent countless hours getting to know, and loving.

Beautiful hazel eyes, nicely tanned skin. He was a little more toned than he was the last time you’d seen him. He was in jeans, and a fitted black top. He was the Ashton you fell in love with.

Not the Ashton that left you crying in the middle of your kitchen, amid the broken dishes and alcohol bottles.

Not the Ashton that you were terrified of.

It started so simply, you barely noticed the behavior change at first. He’d do a bump of coke here or there, but it was only when he was stressed and needed the extra energy. He was still incredibly kind and loving.

But that’s how it always starts, before your life becomes dependent on it.

You couldn’t keep up.

Ashton was all smiles the day you met. He looked a little tired, but still all smiles.

He leaned over to the table you were having brunch at. “You have a really cute laugh.” He mentioned quietly to you.

“Well thank you. Your dimples are cute.” You returned the compliment.

And then the two of you sat, half talking to your tables, and half talking to each other. He, of course, got your number, he didn’t meet ‘chill girls’ like you very often.

And the first date was horrible, nothing went right, he accidently hit you in the nose and you guys spent the night in the ER. But he kept you laughing and took you to ice cream. You guys got a laugh out of everyone staring at you with two black eyes and blood all down your shirt.

But you had a good second date, and very nice first kiss. You liked the way he held your face, his fingers twining into your hair.

The first time he called you ‘baby’ you practically melted into him. You weren’t expecting it, his voice was smooth, but strong. He held your hand, and just briefly looked at you, “Baby, what if I make dinner?” He asked, pulling you closer to him. “We’ll go to the store together.” His lips pressed to your cheek.

“Sure Ash, sounds fun.” You shrugged. And he was charming.

He was careful not to be affectionate in public with you at first. If he accidentally touched your back while you were out with him and the guys, he’d make one of the others touch your back as well.

But it got old real quick, and he wanted to be holding your hand. So he did. And then it was out there. You were Ashton Irwin’s girlfriend, and you made appearances on his Instagram, and he tweeted you when he was out of town and missed you, and he posted pics of you he found cute. He loved to praise the hell out of you, he was so proud of you, and you were happy to reciprocate.

Ash was loving, he loved on you in anyway that he could.

“I wasn’t expecting you.” He says quietly, as he approaches the three of you.

“Cal tricked me into it.” You shrug. “He said we were getting brunch.” You watch his eyes glance down to your wedding band, still snug against the engagement ring on your ring finger. He notices as Cal lets go of your wrist, but Luke is still holding onto your back belt loop. “They were afraid I was gonna go wait in the car.”

“I wouldn’t blame you.” He chuckles. “Last time we saw each other…”

“You left me bleeding and crying on the kitchen floor.” You whisper.

“Yeah.” He somberly nods his head. He reaches up to scratch the back of his neck.

“Well hey, ya look good.” Cal interrupts, thankfully, hugging his best friend.

Luke lets you go and you sit, watching him hug Ashton too. You still don’t want to touch him. You weren’t exactly ready to be here.

You sit quietly and half listen, half tune out the conversation. You’d already said more than you intended and it sent you into the black hole spiral you wanted to avoid, hell just seeing Ash brought up parts of the past you’d rather never think about again.

Like the way he didn’t listen that he was hurting you, once when you were having sex, and that was really the beginning of the end. He was going so hard, leaving marks is ways and places he never had before and he actively ignored that you were crying. You stopped wanting him to touch you all together after that. It took him days to realize the mistake. And by then he couldn’t apologize enough.

He tried. Flowers, jewelry, endless apologies. But he couldn’t get close to you, and you didn’t want him too.

“Thanks for sticking it out.” Cal says, after you get settled back in the car. You nod and rest your head against the window, letting the tears spill down your face. You saw the hurt in Ash’s eyes when you pulled out of the hug really quickly. You didn’t want to but you were really uncomfortable. “You ok?”

You sniffle and look at him, “I just wasn’t ready, you know? I wasn’t ready to see him or for him to touch me.”

“Yeah. I saw you pull away…?” Luke asks from the front seat.

“I’m not… I can’t tell you. I don’t want you to see him different Luke.” You say quietly.

Cal turns in his seat and reaches back to you. Resting his hand on your knee. “He told me. He feels awful about it, but he knows you have every right to behave this way.” He explains.

“Did you see his face? I don’t want to hurt him.” You admit.

“He hurt you.” Cal says simply, his fingers gently touch your jaw.

“What happened?” Luke asks quietly, turning in his seat as well.

“Luke, I’m serious, I won’t tell you.” You shake your head. “Can we get a drink?” You ask, looking at Cal.

“Absolutely.” He nods. “Everyone still hungry?” He turns to Luke, gaining his confirmation before turning back to start the car.

You pull the mail out of the mailbox and head inside once Cal drops you off. The top letter is a bill for Ashton’s care, your insurance covered most of it but there was still out of pocket costs. You didn’t want to look at it, even with your amazing job and the royalties, Ashton had snorted a lot of your extra cash up his nose. It was kind of a problem because you’d just moved into a new bigger house and you’d both funneled a lot of money into it.

Looking at the cost kinda made you wanna cry, you were beyond frustrated and you didn’t know how you were gonna get through it. You needed your partner but he’d chosen coke and now he was in rehab. He was no help.  You drop the rest of the bills on the table and look around the room.

Next thing you know, Cal’s letting himself in, grocery bags, a duffle and his new dog in tow. “What’re you doing here?” You ask.

“You shouldn’t be alone.” He sighs, “and I know you aren’t taking great care of yourself.”

“He’s gonna have to come back here.” You say quietly.

“He’s got another month, we’ll cross that bridge. He can stay at mine or Luke’s till you figure it out.” He promises, arms engulfing you in a hug.

“Sometimes I think you guys are the best part of my relationship anymore.” You mumble into his chest. You let the tears start to fall and he pulls away only briefly to see that your crying. And then he’s squeezing you tighter.

“Baby.” He whispers. “I’m sure it seems that way. He’s gonna be good again though.” Cal promises.

“The damage is done Cal.” You whisper. “I don’t know him anymore.”

“Don’t say that yet baby.” He asks.

Cal lets you go and then he disappears, putting his stuff in the guest bedroom, he comes back and sets up an area in the kitchen for dog food and then he puts the groceries away. He makes you a drink and sits you at the kitchen island and sets to work on making dinner. He lets you sit quietly, probably because he didn’t know where your mind was off to, though you never really knew where it was going till it got there.

And this time it was the proposal, he’d been so weird about everything that week. He’d insisted you be in Sydney, and you were at a point in your career where you could have the best of both worlds, and be on the road. You guys had been living together for the better part of two years and you’d spent the previous year actually living in the same house for most of the year before he left for tour. He didn’t care whenever else you came out but you had to be in Sydney.

You spent the week leading up to the show with his family, you knew them well by that point. And the night before there was a small party for the guys, their families and the tour crew, and some friends. It was set up on the beach and it was so pretty. There were lights strung up everywhere creating a nice, soft glow. Ash had you in the middle of the dance floor, held close to him while you danced. He dropped to his knee when your  favorite song came on.

“There’s no one in the world I want to spend the rest of my life with the way I want to spend it with you.” He declared, pulling a ring out. Your hand instantly went to cover your mouth as tears rolled down your cheeks. “Marry me?” He asked and it was all you could do to nod. He’d stood up and pulled you in, off your feet, and he kissed you. “I love you so so much.”

That night when you went to sleep, he told you you were all he’d ever need.

And he announced it to the Sydney crowd first. He’d made a comment that it was a special night, because his beautiful fiancé had made it to the show, and the crowd screamed wildly for longer than you’d expected.

Cal drummed his fingers on the counter in front of you and you snapped out of it, eyes moving up to meet his. “Sorry, what?” You ask.

“You don’t like?” He gestures to the drink. You make a show of picking it up and taking a few gulps. “Where’s your head then?” He asks.

“When he proposed to me. He told me that night I was the only thing he’d ever need. Guess he didn’t account for the alcohol and coke.” You shrug.

Cal gives you a sad smile. “None of us knew it’d go this far baby.” He assures you.

“I just don’t understand… like I knew he did coke a little before we met, but like to be addicted to it? I can’t help but feel like I triggered that.” You explain.

“You didn’t baby, you can’t think that.” Cal smooths your hair. “It definitely wasn’t you. Part of it is the lifestyle. He just got caught up.”

“I don’t know what to think Cal… I don’t.” You shake your head.

“Listen… when he gets out, it’s gonna be at least a year before we tour again. He needs to find his baseline again… I get it if you don’t want to be apart of that. But this isn’t your fault.” Cal lets out a sigh and wipes his hand over his face. “I’m here for you babe, no matter what, doesn’t matter what you choose in the end. I’m gonna be here for you.”

“Thanks Cal.” You give him a sad smile and rest your hand on top of his.

“You know when you married him you kinda married the whole band.” He chuckles.

“I know. I appreciate you.”

“Ya know Ash may want to tell the rest of the guys everything at some point so they understand. We don’t really keep shit from each other, you know that right?”

“I know. Kinda fighting with how they’ll view me after it’s all said and done.”

“They don’t get to say shit. He’s been shitty to all of us, but he’s been the worst to you.” Cal cups your chin for a minute and you guys just look at each other. He’s always had a way of silently calming you. “You’re gonna be so good babe.” He whispers.

“Thanks Cal.” You smile softly and then he turns back to the food.

The month goes quickly, you go with Cal a few more times to see Ash and it seems to ease some of the tension you’re feeling, seeing him look healthy and act like the man you love. You start to accept when he leans in for the hug, or briefly touches your hand or arm. And his eyes always find your wedding band, to make sure you’re still wearing it. To make sure he still has a chance.

Because if there’s one thing he’s learned, it’s that he can’t do any of this without you, that you are his best friend and he regrets the hurt he inflicted on you the most. He loves you more than he ever thought possible and everything could fade away if he still had you. But he didn’t know how to say that, not yet. He still owed you a thousand apologies for the kitchen, and the missed dates and anniversaries, the days long benders where he’d disappear and not answer his phone. He knows he has a lot to make up for; but he thinks it could be possible if you’re here and of your own free will.

You’re still deciding though, if there’s enough to salvage, if you could handle it.

“Getting out next week, yeah?” Cal asks.

“Yep, I’m really excited.” His hand wraps around yours, “I can start making amends.”

You nod at him and then Cal speaks up. “Maybe you should come stay with Luke or I for a bit, while you two work on things.” He suggests.

And Ash is looking to you, to see if you agree or if you’ll protest. But you’re kind of a stone wall and you’re mostly staring at the side of Calum’s face.

“Yeah. Sure. Whatever is gonna be best.” Ash eventually agrees.

So the next week you’re driving to Calum’s, and it reminds you of the first time Ash introduced you to his band. You met Calum about an hour before a party, because Ashton knew you’d need someone else to talk to, he’d be busy making the rounds.

Calum and you quickly became friends, you talked to him almost as much as you talked to Ash, but Ash knew there was nothing to worry about. Michael was the only one that was iffy when you met, Luke loved you immediately, “anyone who makes Ash that happy is good for all of us.” He’d said, pulling you into a hug.

This drive felt familiar. You’d picked Ash up from Cal’s out of his mind more than a few times. And it got to the point where you told Cal he needed to sleep it off before you saw him.

You pull up and park, you start to grab the bags of things Ash asked for from the car. And soon Cal and Luke are out helping you.

“Mike and Crys are here too.” Cal says quietly. You nod. You’d known all of them would be there.

“Anyone else?” You ask.

“He’s only asking for you.” Cal smiles at you.

Mike opens the door as you all walk up, he engulfs you in a hug, “Hey babe.” He says quietly.

“Hey Mike.”

Crystal pushes him out of the way, “Baby. It’s been too long.”

“I know.” You nod, hugging her back.

And then Ash is waiting a few feet away. He gives you a half smile and you walk over to him. He looks at you and you know he’s asking if he should hug you, you give a slight nod and he engulfs you. “Thanks for coming over.” He whispers.

“Of course.” You nod against his chest. He lets you go and your fingers lightly wrap around his and you pull him through the kitchen and out the back door. “Know you wanna come home babe.” You say as the door closes. “I’m not ready though. I’m sorry.”

“You’re not ready to have me in that space again and I accept that.” He says, “I wasn’t exactly the nicest the last time I was there.” He sighs, “and I’m so fucking sorry for that. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for not being the man I swore to you I’d be when we got married. I’m sorry for hurting you in all the ways I did. You did nothing but love and support me and I… I did that to you. I’m so fucking sorry.” Ash is on the edge of tears and you’re sure he shouldn’t be that worked up. You reach out and touch his shoulder and he pulls away. “Don’t comfort me right now babe, I don’t deserve it.”

“Ash… you still deserve to be comforted.” You say, a little helpless.

“Not from you.” He disagrees. “Not right now. But someday I will be. Some day you’ll look at me and mostly see the man you married. I promise you that…” he’s quiet for a while. And you both stand there with each other and he looks up at you, “could we try… maybe going on dates again? Until you feel comfortable with me?” He asks.

“Yeah. Of course.” You agree. Because your heart aches and you miss him, this him. Not the coked out him.

“Everything ok back here?” Calum asks, poking his head out the door. He looks between the two of you and you both nod. “Dinner will be here soon, baby you want a drink?” He asks.

“Please.” You nod. Cal smiles and then goes back inside.

“You and Cal seem a lot closer than I remember.” He mentions quietly, “baby.” He almost sneers.

“You know what… we aren’t doing this again.” You say, turning your back.

“Again?” He asks, quietly.

You turn and look at him, “you don’t remember accusing me of this?”

“Of what?”

“Sleeping with Calum?” You explain. He shakes his head. “Do you remember that last day in the house?”

“Bits and pieces. Nothing about accusing you of being with Calum.”

You sigh, “I moved all the liquor, before I left for my trip. Cal said you like… disappeared for days, so I was surprised when you were home when I got there. You’d obviously been looking for something, the liquor, I think, because everything in the kitchen was in complete disarray. You asked me about having a family again, and I was just so tired. So instead of changing the subject or pretending not to hear you, I told you, I said that we’d never start a family while you were high or drunk all the time, I couldn’t trust you. And you lost it. You started screaming at me, you said I was sleeping with Cal.” You stop and look over his face, you can tell he really doesn’t remember. “And then, then all you wanted was the alcohol. So I just gave in and got you the vodka. You took a drink from the bottle and then went right back to Cal, and us not having a family. You threw it at me, and then one by one, all the plates and bowls you’d taken out and anything you could get your hands on. They all shattered, I got so many cuts on my legs and feet. I called Cal and said he had to come get you or I was calling the cops… two days later he called and told me you were going to rehab… I mean it sucked, I’d asked you like 100 times to get help, after everything.” You shrug.

“Wow… I… don’t remember that.” He moves toward you a bit, and it takes everything in you not to move away, he gently reaches for your hand. “Babe I’m… so fuckin sorry. And I know that doesn’t fix it. But I want to work on fixing it, if we can.” He sighs. “I know you’d never with Calum or anyone. I know he… I know you guys are close… I know he’s been helping you out, while I’ve been… in rehab.”

And then you can’t help it, you look him over and pull him in for a hug. He pulls back briefly and looks at you, making a decision. He holds your face and presses the softest kiss he can to your lips, and you let him. Because this Ashton can tell when to stop, and he does so. You bite your lip as his hands rest on your hips. And you go back in for another kiss, making the decision this time. He tries to make it deeper and you let it happen briefly before pulling away.

“Sorry, Ash.” You mention, dropping your hands from his neck.

“It’s ok.” His lips press to your forehead. “I’ll be the man you fell in love with again. You’ll see. I’ll show you.”

“I really fuckin hope so, Ash, more than anything.” You admit, quietly.

Luke’s head pops out, “dinner, you two.” You turn and go inside, hand in hand with Ash.

The guys talk about new music, and Ash listens intently as you catch Mike and Crys up on your life. Ash tells a couple stories from rehab just to have something to share. Luke talks about his new girlfriend and Cal stays quiet. You know he’s watching you, as Ashton drapes his arm over the back of your chair, he watches as Ash can’t take his eyes off you, his eyes catch Ash’s other hand on your thigh.  

“I have an early meeting so I’m gonna have to get going.” You admit, standing. “Cal, thanks for having me, guys it was great to see you all.” You smile.

“Of course babe, you want me to walk you out… ow!” Cal says, rubbing his shin.

“She’s my wife, I can walk her out.” Ash explains. You laugh, but you let Ash grab your hand and walk you out. “Thanks for being here.” He says quietly.

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else Ash. Even if I didn’t want to be here, I’d have been here. You just completed one of the most difficult things in your life and it’s only going to get harder before it gets easier. I want to be here for you, but I’m still figuring out how to balance this for myself.”

Ash cups your face, he presses his forehead to yours and takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry I put you through this. You never deserved it. There are three men in there better than me you could have had.”

“Don’t do that baby. I chose you, and most days, I still would. I wouldn’t choose them. We hit a rough patch and now we’re gonna see what we’re really made of.” You whisper.

You let him kiss you, more than a peck and you let him use tongue. “Can you do dinner on wednesday?” He asks, pulling away slightly.

“Yeah I can. I’ll bring your car, so you have it and then you can take me home?” You ask.

He nods, “perfect. Can I text you?” He asks.

“Of course.” You agree. “Have a good night Ash.”

“Night baby.” He kisses your cheek and opens your car door, shutting it after you’re in.

Ash grins wide when he opens the door at Cal’s. “You look amazing baby.” He compliments, pulling you inside. “I just gotta grab shoes, sorry.”

“Hey, calm down… we’ve done this before.” You insist, grabbing his hand.

“I know. Stakes are different. You fell in love with me the first time not knowing where it’d go… but now I need you to fall back in love with me having seen my worst.” He explains and takes a deep breath.

“Never fell out of love with you. We wouldn’t be here doing this. Ok. Just breathe Ash, it’s me.” You rest your hand on the side of his face.

He chuckles and looks you over. “Thank you.” He kisses your knuckles and disappears for his shoes.

Ash orders water, and it’s the first time you think about whether you should order your Manhattan.

“Sorry. Is it ok if I get a drink? I guess Cal went to all those things for you, the do’s and don'ts.”

“You can get a drink baby.” He grins. “Cal keeps alcohol in the house. I’m ok. It wasn’t the alcohol I went for anyway.”

After a month of dates, Ash is staying over. He comes over for dinner, and he’s well, he’s been very well. It was falling in love all over with him. He’s sweet and charming and he touches you just right every single time.

You’d had a glass of wine with dinner and now Ash has you propped on the arm of the couch, he was between your thighs, kissing you. He pulls away briefly, “you can say no… but any chance you wanna take this to bed?” He whispers, forehead pressed to yours.

“I definitely do… I just don’t know that we should.” You admit.

“You still scared of me?” He asks, and you can see the pain in his eyes.

“A little.” You nod, looking at the floor.

“Can I show you you don’t have to be scared?” He whispers. “You used to love going to bed with me. You like when I kiss your neck and you moan like a porn star when I go down on you. Sucking dick isn’t your favorite but you always get into it for me. You let me spank you because it turns us both on, and you’ll let me have you anyway, or you used to, because you could trust me, but you prefer chest to chest, whether it’s against the wall or sitting up in bed. You don’t love it when we’re laying down. You moan my name so softly sometimes I’m not sure I heard you, and then others I know the neighbors can hear you. Want you to be comfortable in whatever we do baby.” He admits.

“How about… we can go upstairs and see how it goes?” You whisper. “I’m not kidding though Ash, if I ask to stop you need to listen.”

“Baby, I know. I won’t make that mistake again. Mike and Cry’s were appalled when I told them. I mean, why wouldn’t they be? I raped my wife because I was too high to care.” He sighs. “Maybe we shouldn’t yet.”

“Ash... lets just take it upstairs, maybe we don’t go all the way but I’d really like to moan like a porn star for you again.” You smirk.

“Happy to put my mouth to any use we can find for it.” He smirks back and kisses you.

He only spends about 15 minutes that way before you’re pulling him up by his hair and asking him to get naked. He’s happy to do it, and he’s gentle and slow and everything you love about making love with Ash. He holds you, close to his chest. And he smells familiar and he’s warm. And it’s comfortable in a way it hadn’t been in years.

He whispers an “I love you.” As he knows you're falling asleep.

And then Ash is taking you on dates and spending the night and spending a few days at a time. Around the end of month two home Cal wrangled you for lunch while Luke took Ash out.

“Hey handsome.” You greet as he meets you at the restaurant.

“Hi love.” He grins, pulling you into a hug. “Been seeing a lot less of Ash around lately. Things going ok?”

“You could say that.” You nod. “Things are going really well actually. He’s been staying at the house and sleeping in our bed and all that Jazz.” You wave your hand.

“I know.” He winks. “Ash came home all excited after you…. re-christened the bed.” He chuckles. “Think you’ll let him come home soon?”

You nod, “I’m gonna talk to him tonight…  Thank you again for letting me get my bearings.”

“He’s my brother, he married you so you’re my sister. And I want you to be 100% comfortable with what’s going on, and that’s how I can help.” He wraps both hands around both of yours. “No matter what choice you make, this isn’t the end all, be all. You still get to change your mind. I’ll support it.”

“He’s so good right now Cal.”

“I know… it’s gonna take a village to keep him on track, but, it’s also super important that you just keep treating him the way you have been.”

“I will.” You agree.

Ash looks at you like you might kill him, you’re perched on his bed at Cal’s. “Babe… everything’s fine. I have something for you.” You explain. He moves slightly closer. “Hold out your hand.”

You drop the set of keys in his hand, and he stares at it quizzically for a moment. “What’re these?”

“Keys to our house. I had the locks changed after the whole thing in the kitchen. But that’s not the point… the point is, i want you to come home when you’re ready, baby.”

His face softens up, he sets the keys on the bed and he leans over to kiss you, holding your face and your hands slip around his waist. Ash gently pushes you down, so you’re on your back. You stop him. “As much as I would love to have one of our mind blowing sessions right now, we cannot baby, not at Cal’s, not with him just down the hall.”

“He won’t mind.” Ash groans into your neck.

“Mmmm... I mind.” You laugh. “Get some stuff and come home baby, we can grab the rest of your things tomorrow.”

“Mmmf.” He moans in your ear, “love it when you talk domestic to me.”

“You’re an idiot.” You laugh.

“Your idiot though.” He gently grabs your jaw and turns your face toward him, “happy to be your idiot still.” He kisses you.

You thread your fingers in his hair and gently rub his scalp. “Yeah… you are.” You agree. “My handsome idiot man.” You chuckle and he lets out a hearty laugh. “Ash, thanks for getting help. I really appreciate it. I needed you back.” You admit quietly.

“You know, I could tell you weren’t decided on me when you came to visit the first time. I knew I was so close to losing you. And fuck. I wanted to check out so bad that night. Because part of what got me there was Cal sobering my ass up and telling me straight up, if I didn’t do it, I’d lose you… and that was horrifying.” He admits. “That’s when I knew.”

“Honestly… pretty sure Cal coming over when he did salvaged any chance you might have had at us after rehab.”

“He’s my best friend for a reason. My best man too.” Ash kisses you and pushes up off of you. You watch him grab one of the bags you’d brought over and he starts packing things.

The first week home was weird. You weren’t used to all his new little habits since rehab, and you hadn’t really noticed while he was still at Cal’s. Like he picked up smoking, but he didn’t smoke a whole cigarette, he’d go out for a couple puffs and then onward in his day, and it was usually only once a day but it was incredibly inconsistent. Apparently it was common in rehab.

He seemed lethargic around the drums, because he hadn’t really played in 3 months. But he was trying, he knew he needed to get back into it. Cal came over to work with him a bit, and it was nice to hear them both back in the house, but had gotten used to the quiet.

But he was definitely trying to make up for lost time in the bedroom. His hands were all over your body, whenever they could be, he was pulling you into rooms in the house you’d never had sex in before. He ate you out, had you laid out on your dining room table like some sort of meal, he’d had you across the counter a few times now too, In the shower, on the couch in the living room, on the stool at his kit, he’d come into the office while you were working one day and you rode him in the chair. It was exactly like when you’d first moved in together all those years ago, sex on every surface.

And he was so set on pleasing you, it never had anything to do with him.

You guys were out with friends, Ash stayed close to you or Cal, you were best at keeping him from the things he didn’t need to be around, the plethora of drugs that always seemed available at this club, or someone handing him a drink. “Baby I wanna go home.” He says to you, returning from a trip to the bathroom, arms going around your waist, his chest to your back.

“Yeah, handsome, let me close my tab. Will you see if Cal is ready? We can drop him on the way.” You ask, finishing your drink.

“Cal’s a big boy, he can find his own way home.” Ashton groans, nipping a little hard at your neck, and squeezing you a little too tight.

You pull away slightly and look at him. And he immediately pulls you back to him so you can’t.

So you pull a little harder and completely out of his grasp and you turn to look at him. “What the fuck Ash?” You watch him for a minute, making sure you’re seeing what you think you’re seeing.

Cal comes over, because he notices the tension, “Hey, what’s up?... Ash?” He asks, and you know he sees what you see, Ash is high.

“Who?” Cal asks. And you and Ash completely understood the question. “Ashton what the fuck man. You’re getting your life together, your wife back. Why? Who? Who gave it to you.”

“Someone in the bathroom.” He shrugs.

“Don’t come home tonight.” You groan. “Give me your fucking keys.”

“No. I’m fine. I’m not gonna hurt you.” Ash insists.

“Keys, Ash.” You say, holding your hand out, and he kinda knows now that’s he’s really fucked up this time. Your face says it all, but he’s having a little trouble caring.

He pulls them out of his pocket and drops them in your hand. “What am I supposed to do then?” He asks.

“Call your rehab, get a hotel, like I give a fuck.” You wave him off as you walk toward the bar. You pay your tab and head for the door.

“You’re coming with me.” Cal says to Ash.

“I just wanna go where she’s going.” He says, pointing after you.

“Yeah, well… she doesn’t want you right now. She’s probably going home to sign the divorce papers.” He remarks, dragging ash to the bar to pay his tab. “Get an Uber, to my house.” Cal says, smacking him in the back of the head.

Ash pulls his phone out and gets the Uber then looks back at Cal. “Divorce papers?”

“She told you she wasn’t putting up with this anymore Ash. You think she’s gonna let you back in the house. You’ve been clean for six fucking months. You’ve been at home for 3. She doesn’t want you there right now, i’d honestly be surprised if she ever did again.” Cal does all but push Ashton out of the bar, to find you, back pressed against a wall, crying, near the door.

“Babe!” Ash says, looking at you, moving toward you, hands out and ready to touch you.

“Don’t touch me.” You warn as he comes close to you. You push off the wall, and back away and Ash trips over himself, falling down.

Cal grabs him and picks him up. He shoves him against the wall. “Stay here Romeo, I’ll check on her.” He turns to come toward you, but then has a second thought. “Try not to draw any more attention to yourself, we don’t need people knowing you’ve relapsed.” He pushes hard against his right shoulder. “Wait up.” He calls, heading toward you.

“I can’t tonight.” You shake your head.

“Hey. This sucks I know. I’m gonna take him home with me. So you know he’s safe at least.” He shrugs.

“I don’t care.” You shake your head. “He goes to rehab he’s fine, he lives with you, he’s fine, he comes home and he’s getting high in a club bathroom on god knows what’s it's fucking me. I’m what’s doing this to him.”

“No.” Is all cal can say, pulling you into a hug. “It’s not you.”

“Yeah, thanks.” You shake your head. “Let him get sober and send him home please. So we can talk about the future of us.”

“Will do, baby. Call me later if you need or want to talk.” Cal kisses the top of your head and you both head to your separate Uber’s.

-he’s afraid to come home. Can you come here?

Cal texts, it’s mid afternoon, and you know it’s because he spent the morning trying to convince Ash to go home.

The night hadn’t been particularly kind to you, and you grab one of Ash’s bags and start pulling things out of drawers and shoving it in the bag to take with you.

You make your way to Cal’s he lets you in and points toward the direction of Ash’s room. And you can hear him pacing and talking to himself. He knows he fucked up.

You knew this wasn’t going to be easy. But, you were already at the end of your rope.

You walk in, shutting the door behind you and letting the bag drop on the floor. “Ash.”

“Babe.” His head immediately snaps up and to your direction.

“Ash.” You nod, resting your back against the door.

“You came?”

“We gotta talk Ash. I’ve been thinking, and you didn’t have a real problem until you married me, and then when you stayed with Cal, you were fine, and you came home and now all of a sudden, and you aren’t. Is it me? I’m the common thing here.”

“I dunno what I was thinking last night.” He admits, “it’s not you, I love you so much.”

“You can… love me to the end of the earth, but I could still be the one causing you to feel like you need to do this.” You let yourself start crying. “Maybe we jumped back in too fast, it’s what you wanted, I thought I was helping you but clearly I wasn’t. Maybe you should stay with Cal awhile. Maybe…” you sniff, “maybe we should chalk it up to a loss.”

“Baby, don’t… this, no. I want you, that’s it. I don’t want anything else in the entire world.” He pleads.

“Except coke.” You whisper, “you had me, you’ve had me, and coke is still what you chose.” You sigh. “Maybe I’m what you want because it’s comfortable. But maybe I’m not the best thing for you anymore.” You let out a sob. “I did my best, ya know. I’ve loved you endlessly. And I’ll always love you, but if I’m not the best thing for you…”

“Don’t… don’t finish that. You are the best thing about me.” He argues.

“Doesn’t feel like it. Maybe… let’s just try being apart for a little while.”

“No. No no no. We already were apart, the time I was in rehab and the time I spent here.”

“But, Ash. I just want you to get better and be better. And if that’s without me, then that’s it. That’s the answer.” You meet his eyes. “Can we just agree to try it? See how it goes.”

“I’m not ok with this.”

“And I’m not ok with what happened last night Ash. Or the last 3 years.” You shrug. You turn and grab the door knob, and let yourself out, pulling the door closed behind you.

You rest your back against it. And you can feel Ash lightly hit it with his fist, “baby, no. Please. I… I love you.”

“I love you Ash.” You say out loud, so he can hear you. You walk towards the living room and see Cal sitting there. His new dog in his lap. “Um… were gonna take a break, he’s, he’s probably not gonna be ok for a while.”

“We shouldn’t have taken him out, they usually say like a year? And he was doing so good and we were both there.” He pushes himself up for the couch and engulfs you. “He said he wanted to be there for mitchy’s birthday.”

“Well I’m inclined to believe Mitchy is where he got it from… I gotta go Cal. I can’t be here right now, it’s not good for him or I.”

“Ok babe, I’m here for you too, like we talked about.” He whispers.

“I know Cal.” You nod. You lean up and kiss his cheek. “I just think people in this house need a break.”

You don’t see any of them for 3 months. You and calum text intermittently, He checks on you, and he lets you know what’s going on with Ash.

You get invited to the co-ed baby shower for Mike and Crystal and you of course have to go. You get a quick heads up that Ash might bring someone and you get that twinge in your chest. The one that tells you this is gonna suck a lot more than anticipated.

You string your wedding and engagement rings on a chain as you get ready. You check and make sure the gift is perfectly wrapped, and the card is ready, and then you nervously make the drive, Cal meets you outside and he hugs you so tight to him, and you know why.

“He’s sober… he brought another girl.” He sighs, “he’s been sober since that day, we’ve been hitting the gym, he’s playing again.” He explains. “But he met someone.”

“That’s the point of a separation.” You sigh.

He gently grabs the chain and pulls on the rings, “he’s not gonna like this.”

“Well, he’s already got something he likes.” You shrug. “You look good, Cal. Gym’s been good to ya.”

He wraps his arm around your shoulder to walk you in. Ash is holding hands with the little blonde thing he brought. He looks good, he looks in shape and healthy. You stare for a minute before your spotted by what appears to be a barely pregnant Crystal.

“Where have you been?” She demands, squeezing you.

“Busy, babe.” You shrug.

“We know what’s going on. By the way. Mike asked him not to bring her.” She says quietly.

“It’s Ok that he did. I told him this is what I wanted.” You assure her.

She sighs, but leaves you for Mike and Luke.

“Hi.” Luke grins, pulling you in. “Heard y’all are seeing other people…” He starts, winking when he pulls back, hands staying on your hips.

“We both know if I was gonna go for anyone else in the band, I’d jump into Cals bed first.”

“Well I’ll take solace in knowing I’m your third choice.” He grins again.

“Keep telling yourself that.” You wink.

He rolls his eyes and Mike pulls you in and holds you extra long, and you just enjoy it. “You’re good, he’s gonna be ok, and things will get figured out.” He promises quietly in your ear. “We all agreed there needs to be a massive change in the way we all live, so nothing like that happens again, he still loves you, you’re still end game.”

“Mmm, thank you, but it doesn’t feel that way. And congratulations to you! You’re gonna be a dad!” You say excitedly.

“Mmmhmm, to a baby girl.” He says.

“Mike that’s so exciting!” You grin and hug him again.

It’s toward the end of the party when Ash approaches you. “Hey.” He greets.

“Hi Ashton. Good to see you, you look good.” You force a smile.

“Gym, drums. You look good too, um… this is Julie.” He gestures to the girl standing next to him. She looks bored.

“Julie, this is…”

“You’re wife, I recognize her from the pictures.”

“Nice to meet you.” You say, holding your hand out to shake hers.

She’s not particularly nice, and really not Ashton’s type, but if she helps him stay clean then you can’t really care that much.

“How’ve you been?” He asks, trying to break the awkward tension.

“Good, uhhh busy with work. House is pretty empty, but I have a ton of your mail, I’ll drop it by.” You nod.

“I’ll transfer money for the house payment. You need any help with the bills?” He asks. And you’re a little surprised because he hasn’t cared about anything financially in about 3 years.

“Uh no, I think I’m ok, on those.” You say. “I’ll drop the mail by later this week; but I’m gonna get going. I have a ton to do for work.” You excuse yourself. You say bye to Crystal and Mike, Luke on your way out and then you see Cal outside. “She’s not particularly nice, is she?” You ask, looking at him.

“No. She’s kind of really annoying.” He slips his hand in yours as you walk toward to your cars. “You ok?”

“I know this was my idea but it was a fucking dumb one. I’m not ok enough to see that. To see him kiss her and touch her and hold her. He’s my husband.” You gripe.

“I know babe.” He agrees.

“What was I thinking? I mean. I honestly thought he wouldn’t see anyone else, because he loves me so much. But boy was I wrong.” you continue to rant. “Is he ok Cal? Is he really ok?” You ask turning to face him because you are now in front of your car.

“Yeah, he’s been doing really good baby.”

“Do you think it’s because of her?” You sniffle And Cal now knows you’re crying.

“No baby, I don’t.” He wraps you up tight in his arms. “I think it’s because of you. He needs to get right before he can be with you. He should have done it before you got married. But he didn’t and here we are.”

“I’m sorry… for bringing you into this.” You groan, “this isn’t your fault.”

“Stop.” Cal pleads. “You’re ok. I’m here for you too. We all are.”

You’re a wreck for the next few days, you finally get it together enough to go Cal’s with Ashton’s mail.

Ashton opens the door shirtless in just basketball shorts, drumsticks in hand. “Hey, come in!” He grins at you.

“Here’s everything that’s come for you.” You hand him the stack of mail and cross your arms.

“Thanks. Cals out.” He says, noticing your eyes wandering.

“Oh, that’s ok, I really just came by for this.” You shrug. “I should go.”

“Can you stay? Just for a bit? We can talk?” He asks. He sets the mail and drumsticks on the table.

“Are you sleeping with her?” You blurt, no longer able to contain it.

He sucks in a deep breath, and lets it out. He gently reaches for you and he pulls you into a hug. “We’re still married, you’re still my wife. I’m absolutely not doing that. We’ve messed around a bit, but she understands the boundaries. I’m pretty adamant about it.” His lips push to the top of your head, “I love you babe.” He whispers, “I’m not… I won’t stop loving you.”

“I know I asked for this. I’m sorry.” You sniffle.

“Baby, no.” He sighs, “I know why. It’s ok. I know I was… upset then, but it makes sense now. I see it, I get it. But I would never with someone else. I made my vows to you. And I know that.”

“I love you Ash.” You whisper. “I should go.” You mention.

“Can you stay, a little while?” He asks, “come watch me drum? I know you love that.” He picks up his sticks, and holds out his other hand. You think on it briefly and then grab his hand and go back to the music room with him.

He plays for awhile and you admire him, he’d definitely found his passion again, and his body was in the best shape, possibly ever. He grins, when he looks up, and sees you sitting there.

“I like you there.” He mentions. And you can tell by the glint in his eye that he remembers the first time he ever said that to you.

He’d invited you over, you’d been dating a month, and you’d ask him to play for you, so he did. And you sat and watched, and grinned the whole time. He knew your eyes never left him, and this was the same.

“I like seeing you like this.” The response was natural and the same it had been then.

“C’mere.” He grins, he pulls you to his lap, and puts a stick in each one of your hands, “show me whatcha got,” his lips press to your shoulder real quick and you beat something out. “So much better than you used to be.” He laughs.

“Well there are a couple sets at home for me to practice on.” You laugh turning to look at him.

Next thing you know, his nose is softly brushing yours, and he tests the water, briefly brushing his lips against yours. “This ok?” He hums, forehead pressed to yours.

“Mmhmm.” You agree, not 100% sure where it was going.

“Can we go to my room?” He checks.

“Only if you kiss me.” You whisper.

His hand cups your face, and his lips press to yours. He hums quietly as he deepens the kiss. His hand gently smooths your hair. The sticks lay abandoned on the drum as he carries you, legs wrapped tight around his waist, to his room. The door is shut behind the two of you and then you are naked.

Ash gently lays you back, and he’s gentle. He uses his fingers first, to open you up. And he’s slow and loving as he does it.

“Ash… you… please.” You whimper.

“Yeah baby.” He agrees, and then he’s pulling you to him, against him, you straddle him and sink down on and him and he slowly works on rocking you, just enough for you both to get pleasure out of it.

It was like this in the hotel room, on your wedding night. The feeling was the same. You’re heart swelled in your chest, knowing Ash was so healthy and he seemed well.

You rest your head on his shoulder, and he tightens his grip on you. “My love.” He whispers. “Needed this.” His lips press to your bare shoulder.

You guys lay cuddled close under the blanket for a while, after you finish. Ash’s finger tips are drawing shapes into your back. “This ok?” He asks, questioning whether he made the right choice with this.

“I wouldn’t still be laying here if it wasn’t… but what about your girlfriend?” You wonder.

“Wife comes first.” He sighs, “she's just… she's helping me figure it out babe and I know you were trying but she’s been through it.” His hand comes up and tucks your hair behind your ear, then smooths it.

“Is it something I needed to do better.” You ask quietly.

“No. You’re great baby. You… you just… I can’t explain it, love.” He sighs. “I wish I could, I know you need it. But I just, I don’t know. I’m sorry baby.”

“You don’t have to apologize Ash.” You sigh, “I just needed to know.” You lay quietly for awhile, “I should go.” You move to get up.

Ash grabs you at your waist, “don’t leave.” He whispers.

“What about Julie? Not to mention, this is fucking confusing for me.” You admit.

“Julie isn’t coming over until dinner and you should stay anyway. I know Cal misses you.”

“Ash.” You gently push against his chest and it only encourages him to hold you tighter. “We shouldn’t…”

“I know baby, but I can’t help it.” He starts pushing sweet kisses to your collarbone. “I’m always gonna be drawn to you. I want to be better… to be back with you.”

“Well us jumping into bed like this probably isn’t helpful.” You sigh.

“I know. But stay, please have dinner.”

“I don’t want to get to know Julie.” You admit, pushing away and grabbing your panties and bra from where they were haphazardly thrown at the end of the bed.

When you come back from the bathroom he’s sitting on the edge of the bed, back in the shorts he was wearing. “This is awkward, I know… and I hate that this hurts you, and I know you know you said you wanted this. But I don’t think you counted on this. And that’s ok baby. I’m gonna be better, and if I’m not… then we can… we can call it quits. I think I needed to come to terms with the fact that that is a possibility. I love you, I’ll always love you. But maybe you’re right.”

“Yeah.” You nod. He looks at you and you wipe your eyes. You find your T-shirt and hoodie, and pull on your jeans before walking into the hallway and shutting the door behind you.

“Hey, you. Thought I saw your car outside.” Cal immediately wraps his arms around you. “Staying for dinner?”

“Wasn’t planning to.” You admit.

“What were you doing in Ash’s room?” He asks, redirecting you back to the living room.

“We were just…” you start.

“Ah, I see.” He nods, understanding.

“Cal?” Ash asks, walking out of his room, “I need to talk to you.”

“Of course, Ash, what’s up?”

“Alone.” He glances at you and then they disappear into the office together.

You overhear Ash’s manic tone, and Cal hushing him and telling him to stop being ridiculous.

“Of course you’re going to get back together, Ash stop this.” You hear Cal argue.

“No Calum, I need you to listen to me, I need you to take care of her. If we don’t get back together, I need you to promise me you’ll… you’ll be the one.”

You can hear Ashton crying. He thinks you aren’t getting back together.

“I’m not good enough for her.”  He chokes out.

Someone knocks on the door and you know it must be Julie. “Baby, can you get that?” Cal calls to you.

“Sure.” You roll your eyes and walk to the door, you let Julie in, and immediately head back to the living room. Ash comes through, grabs Julie by the hand and drags her upstairs muttering about needing a shower.

“You want a drink?” Cal asks, wiping his face as he enters the room. “I know you heard, guess we should get used to each other.” He shrugs.

“Don’t need you to pity date me.” You chuckle, “but yes, a drink.”

“I’m not pity dating you… we’re getting married.” He gives his signature annoyed but not at you sass face and then pulls you to get a drink.

Julie comes down and rolls her eyes, “ya know Cal I wish you wouldn’t do that with him here.”

“Ya know Julie… it’s been a day and we both need this. Think we’ll be getting our own dinner too, so don’t include us on whatever you do.” Cal sneers.

Cal pours 2 of the strongest drinks he’s ever poured in his life and hands you one. “Bar?” You ask.

“Yes, let me grab my wallet.” Cal comes back out and he looks at you, “ready?”

You nod and Ash comes down, “you guys aren’t  staying for dinner?” He asks, looking between the two of you.

Cal wraps his hand around yours, “we’re going on our first date… c’mon baby.” He rolls his eyes at Ashton and pulls you along. You guys get an Uber, which is fine with you because you planned on a liquid dinner anyway.

You and Cal return a little more than buzzed with a couple bags of food in hand, since you didn’t really eat. You find Ash and Julie cuddled on the couch together, making out. You mutter a “He fucked me earlier.” Into the room, and then follow Calum out back.

“You have to stay here.” He says as you both collapse in chairs out back. Cal digs through the bags of food and splits them up.

“I know.” You nod.

“Water? I’m getting us water. You can stay in my room.” He giggles.

“Ok!” You smile at him and take a bite of the In N Out burger in front of you. He hands you a bottle of water and Ash comes out back behind him.

“You guys want me to get better but you do shit like this in front of me?” He asks.

“Been a rough one mate.” Cal responds not caring to elaborate, “and it’s my house yeah? So if I want to get drunk with my friend, then I can do that. And this one…” He points to you. “Isn’t exactly having the time of her life right now, so if she needs a little break from reality, I’m inclined to let her have it.”

Ash rolls his eyes, “whatever. We’re going to bed.”

“K… don’t fuck her.” You smile.

“Don’t fuck him.” He sneers.

“You’re sending mixed signals now… you want me to marry him butttt you don’t wan me to fuck him?”

“I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.” He waves you both off and goes to bed.

Cals got you in his bed, in one of his T-shirts, your both watching what he put on tv and his hand is just running soothingly up and down your back, under the T-shirt. You’re sniffling every few seconds because you’d heard moaning from Ash’s room when the two of you came upstairs.

“I hate him.” You whisper quietly.

“You don’t.” Cal whispers back. You pull the necklace with your rings on it off and hand it to Cal, he puts it in his nightstand drawer and he thinks he’ll keep it there until you ask for it back, because you will. You and Ash are ggetting back together, he’s sure of it.

“I wish I did.” You whisper, sniffling again.

“C’mere.” He coaxes, pulling you closer, into a hug.

You fall asleep that way, and when you wake up in the morning, you leave Cal in the bed. You find your clothes and your shoes, and head downstairs.

Ash is in the kitchen, you walk in looking for your bag. “Have a good night?” He asks, and you know there’s something in his tone. “I mean I know how you can be.”

“Don’t really love what your implying. But yeah, I spent half the night crying over you. It was fucking great. Fuck off Ash.” You give him the finger and walk out.

It’s another three months before you see Ash again, Cal’s at your house, multiple times a week until then.

You run into him at the grocery store.

“Hey, baby.” He smiles softly at you, gently grabbing your wrist as you pass by him in the produce.

“Oh… hey Ash.” You greet, you blow at the strands of hair in your eyes and he quickly swipes them and tucks them behind your ear for you.

“Hey. How’ve you been?” He asks.

You look around, “shitty.” You breathe,  “I didn’t move on like you did.”

He scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah… I broke up with her. I’m pretty sure Cal was about to kick me out.”

“Yeah that sucks for you.” You bite sarcastically at him.

“Can we… have dinner or something? So we can talk. This isn’t…” He looks around, “the best place for this conversation.”

“Yeah, come by this week or something.” You wave him off as you walk away.

“Babe?” He calls. You stop and he catches up to you. “I love you, I really really do, and I’m sorry I was awful to you the last time we saw each other. I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have taken you to bed like that. I shouldn’t have the first time either. I wasn’t ready for that. I shouldn’t have done that to you.” He admits.

“Not here, Ashton… Let me know when you’re coming by.” You shrug, and you push off.

Ashton shows up a few days later, he’s got a bouquet of flowers in hand, and he’s holding them in his left hand and you can see he’s wearing his wedding band again.

“Hey, baby.” He grins.

“Hey.” You take in his appearance as you let him in, and he looks good, you think he may have dressed up a bit for you.

He heads to the kitchen to get the flowers in a vase. “I know you don’t love flowers, but I also know you appreciate the sentiment.” He mentions. “I can cook something or we can order in. But I figured we’d eat and talk.” He says. He takes you in. “You look tired.” He mentions. “And you’re not wearing your rings.” He looks concerned, briefly.

“Um.” You squeeze your ring finger and grab for the necklace that you weren’t wearing. “I’m exhausted. Been working a lot. I took on a few extra projects, making sure I could keep our house payments up to date.” You shrug. “I think they’re at Cal’s.” You finish.

“Am I not giving you enough?” He asks.

“You’ve missed the last two payments Ash.” You say matter of factly.

“Fuck. Babe, I’m sorry. We’ve been in the studio. I just… I don’t have an excuse.” He admits. “Um, here I’ll transfer some now.” He pulls out his phone.

“How’s the new stuff?” You ask.

He looks up at you once he’s done, and your phone dings and you check it and see the transfer is completed. “It’s good. Ya know, we’re developing something new. There’s a lot of tension in the studio too, we’ve always had alcohol around and now we just don’t, you know? And I know it’s for my benefit but I feel like the other three or at least Luke and Cal are annoyed at that.”

“Oh really? You don’t think it has anything to do with the fact that you and I haven’t spoken in 3 months and that’s what bothers them?” You ask.

He stops what he’s doing, going through the fridge and the cabinets, and turns to look at you. “You said your rings were at Cal’s?”

“Yeah I took em off the night I heard you with Julie. Cal… he put em somewhere.” You shrug.

“We didn’t… I promised you, and I meant it; we didn’t have sex babe.”

“Well I know what your moans sound when your dick is in someone as opposed to when your dick is in a mouth or hand.” You roll your eyes.

“I know you don’t have any reason to trust what I’m saying but I said it then, and I still mean it now, i made my vows to you and we are technically still together, I will not do that to you.” He sighs. “I rushed back into things with you, because I love you, and I’m comfortable with you. And I just… I wanted to feel like you were proud of me again… And like you could be around me again, because I know you couldn’t. And that’s all my fault and I know that… it was wrong of me to ask Cal… well you know I what I asked him.” He comes around the counter to stand in front of you, “I really truly mean that I want to be us again, and I’m doing everything in my power to make the changes I need for you to see that. And you are absolutely right, my own band doesn’t want to deal with me because I’ve alienated you, and I’ve hurt you beyond belief. I’ve destroyed all of the relationships that are important to me. I’ve destroyed us. Fuck… if you want the divorce… I’ll fuckin give it to you. You shouldn’t have to deal with this. I never wanted this for you.” He wipes his hand over his face.

“In one breath you say how much you still want me and in the next you say you’ll give me the divorce if I want.” You say quietly.

“Because I don’t know what’s best for you.” It comes out louder than expected. He’s exasperated.

You stare at him for about 5 minutes before you just engulf him in your arms. He’s taken aback, for sure, but he hugs you back.

“That’s maybe the most honest thing you’ve said to me in 3 and a half years, Ash.” You say against his shoulder.

You let Ash stay, and he orders food for you both and you both just sit and talk. And it’s honest conversation where he tells you his fears and his new aspirations for himself, and for the two of you.

“I want a family, but I’m terrified I won’t be a good father, and I could literally go anywhere and get anyone pregnant but you’re my partner and I can’t imagine doing something like that with anyone else. You are the love of my life, but I’m terrified I’ve damaged that beyond repair with all of this, and I realize that it’s all been me babe, and I spent so long trying to find ways to blame you, and I pushed you so far away. I don’t blame you. I wanted to, and at the end of the day, I can’t. You loved me, you supported me… as long as you could.” Ash starts crying, and it wasn’t his “you caught me” cry that you’d been used to seeing, it was an honest type of cry, he really was feeling it all.

You just reach out and touch his hand, because you don’t really know what to say, you grip it, and he rests his other one on top and grips it as well. “Ash… were gonna have a lot of rebuilding before I’ll trust you enough to do that.” You admit.

“I know babe.” He nods, “I’m honestly gonna do whatever it takes, and I mean it this time.”

“I can’t wait to see what that looks like.” You admit. “But I’m tired Ash, and I’ve got a long day tomorrow. I’ve got some client meetings.”

“Ok. Well can you come by Cal’s on Friday and I’ll make us dinner?” He asks, standing up and starting to clear the dishes.

“Um, yeah, I can do that. I’m supposed to have dinner with Cal and Luke on Saturday. So, that’s fine.”

“Oh, yeah they said they were going out; didn’t say you were going though.” He mentions, rinsing the dishes.

“I, uh… I asked them not to.”

“Why’s that?” He looks over his shoulder at you.

“I didn’t want you knowing what I was up to. I didn’t want to chance you knowing where I was, so you could make an appearance. I was… I still am, actually, pretty upset with you from the last time I saw you.”

“Completely understandable.” He dries hands and leans against the sink.

“You keep saying you know that I’d never with Cal, but you imply it whenever you can. And I don’t know what to make of that.” You start picking at your nails. “But it pisses me off because I’ve never done anything to make you think I’d consider cheating on you for even a second. Even with all the shit you’ve put me through.”

“I know babe. It’s all I had. And that’s not an excuse, I know.” He crosses back over to you, and he kisses your forehead. “I’ll see you in a couple days, yeah?” He asks.

“Sure, Ash. Dinner on Friday.” You agree.

“Have a good night babe. And a good day at work. Also, you can stop taking on extra projects. I’ll make sure I get the payments to you on time. Or you can just text me.”

“Ok.” You nod. You walk him to the door and he hugs you briefly, and kisses your cheek. “Have a good night Ash.”

“Bye baby.” He says. You watch as he descends the steps and goes to his car, and he looks back at you, like he did the first time he dropped you off after a date, like you’d be the only one for him.

It’s another month of strained dinner and coffee dates before you really start to think about trusting him again. He seems to be putting real effort in, instead of phoning it in and only telling you what you want to hear. He’s being honest and letting you know when he’s struggling.

It’s late one night, about a month and half in and he’s calling. You pick up the phone. “Ash?” Because he doesn’t call much and you know it was a studio day.

“Can you come to the studio. Mitchy showed and you were right not to trust him.” He sighs, “please baby?” He asks.

“Um, yeah, Ash, I can. Send me the address.” You agree.

You quickly pull on one of the hoodies left in his side of the closet, and a pair of boots and then head out.

You text Ash when your close and he’s waiting outside and he looks stressed. “Hey.” You greet, getting out of the car.

“Thanks for coming. I’m so sorry to call so late, but…” He starts.

“Ash, it’s no problem. I’m happy to be here for you.” You say.

“Can you come in and stay awhile?” He asks.

“Of course.” You nod.

Ash grabs your hand and pulls you inside, and Cal, Luke and Mike seem relieved to see you.

“Shouldn’t you be at home with your new baby?” You ask, hugging Mike.

“Wife’s tired of me. So I’m back at the studio.” He squeezes you. “Glad you’re here. He needs you.” He whispers.

“Luke!” You grin, hugging him.

“You need to hear some of this new stuff baby.” Cal says, wrapping his arms around you next.

“Mmm, I’d love too.” You wave to the producers, and then Mitchy walks back in as you make yourself comfortable next to Ash on a couch.

“Hey you.” He greets with a big smile.

“Hey Mitchy.” You give him a hi five.

“Didn’t know you were gonna be here.” He grins.

“Uh, yeah. I just had to finish up some work.” You shrug. Ash rests his hand on your thigh and you wrap your arm around his and rest your hand on top of his, resting your head against his shoulder. You guys hadn’t really kissed again yet, he was waiting until you were fully comfortable with him again. But he kissed the top of your head.

“Wait wait… play her….” Luke points to something on the screen. “Play that.”

The song fills the speakers, and you can tell that Luke and Ash are super proud of it. Cals got a funky bass line on it that you instantly love.

They go through about four songs and you can tell they are all gauging your reaction because you’ve always been honest about what you liked and didn’t.

The fifth one starts and it’s a little slower, and Ash actually starts the vocals, “no no, don’t play her this one.” He says.

“Yeah it’s not right yet.” Cal instantly agrees and reaches over to stop it.

You stay for a few hours and Ash doesn’t let Mitchy corner him anywhere, even going so far as to go with Cal to the bathroom. He stays close to you. “Do you wanna go home? Did you ride with Cal?” You ask, as they’re taking a break.

“Yeah I did.” He nods. “I think I can stick it out, I see you’re tired.”

“Do you… would you wanna come home with me tonight?” You ask.

“Are you sure?” He asks.

“I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t. We’re not gonna have sex, but I dunno, might be nice to share a bed.” You shrug, now looking at your shoes and not making eye contact.

“Babe, i'd love to. Lemme tell Cal, and we can leave.” Cal walks by, returning from a smoke break, “Hey, I’m gonna go home.” Ash announces.

“You rode with me.” Cal states.

“He’s gonna come to my place.” You say.

“Oh… yeah, go man.” He nods. “I’ll tell the guys.” He quickly wraps an arm around you, “don’t be a stranger baby, come back anytime.” He kisses the side of your head.

“I will, thanks Cal.” You laugh.

“Take care of my boy.”

“Always.” You nod.

“Ash, take care of our best girl.” He grins.

Ash rolls his eyes. “Ok Cal, got it.” You hand Ash the keys, letting him drive back to your house. “Means a lot you came when I needed you.” He mentions.

“Of course Ash.” You nod, resting your hand on his thigh.

“And in my clothes no less. Sight for sore eyes.” He smiles warmly at you.

“It’s what I wanted to wear.” You agree.

“Yeah, but you haven’t wanted to wear anything of mine for awhile, so it’s nice to see.”

“That’s fair, Ash…. hey can we stop and get food?”

“Absolutely. Haven’t eaten since like 6 myself.” He chuckles.

You guys get food and take it home to eat together. “It’s a nice night for the hot tub.” He mentions. The weather was getting a little colder, it being late fall now.

“I suppose it is.” You agree.

“Want to?” He asks, already pulling you to your bedroom to change.

“Sure.” You dig around and find matching pieces.

He finds his black shorts and pulls them on, and you grab a couple towels to dry off with. He pulls you back down stairs and you pull your hair back as he turns the jets on. “This night is already worth leaving the studio for.”

“Remember when all our nights were worth leaving the studio for?” You grin, getting in the hot tub.

Ash crossed the small space to sit next to you, “of course I do.” He grins. His lips press gently to your neck. “I remember leaving anything to be with you was always worth it.”

You look at him a minute and then lean in to kiss him. Very briefly, your lips meet and you pull back, gauging him.

“I’m glad you made the first move.” He whispers. “Makes me feel like it’s the step you’re ready for with me, like you trust me again.”

“You calling me tonight, because Mitchy was there, makes me feel like I can trust you again. At least a little bit.”

“Can I kiss you again?” He asks. You nod and he holds your face. He leans in and kisses you and you let him deepen it.

And then youre letting hormones get the best of you and you’re climbing in his lap. You’re hands stay on his shoulders and he holds your waist. And you slowly press your body’s together, slowly grinding your hips down on him. “Baby.” He groans into the kiss.

“Ash? You want me to stop?” You ask, pulling away slightly.

“No, never.” He presses his lips to yours, “do you want something else? I can cum from this at this point.” He leans in and whispers against your ear, “my princess need my fingers?”

You lean in and kiss him, and then pull back slightly, biting his lip, “Yes, daddy, need your fingers.” You whisper back.

Ash moves your bottoms out of the way, and he gently pushes 2 fingers in and presses his thumb against your clit, you continue to roll your hips, effectively riding his fingers and getting him off at the same time.

You and Ash shower, he was less embarrassed than you thought he’d be, but then again, it was a pretty nice compliment to make your man cum without touching him.

He was just happy you let him in the shower with you, and you’d gotten to make out a while longer. He offers to sleep in a guest room but you ask him to stop being ridiculous.

His head is on your shoulder, as you lay in bed, his hand gently running over your body. He tucks his hand into the waistband of your sleep shorts, he knows your not wearing any panties because he watched you get dressed in his t shirt and sleep shorts. “Think I know what I’m having for breakfast.” He grins.

You look at the clock and then back at him, “only if breakfast is after 1.” You agree, kissing the tip of his nose.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He chuckles, pulling his hand out of your shorts, letting it rest on your lower stomach.

And he did not disappoint, when you got a look at the clock it was after 1:30, and when you look down, you can see sleepy eyed Ashton enjoying you. His lips and tongue are teasing you. “Morning sweetheart.” He grins at you, letting his fingers sink in.

“Fuck.” You moan. He brings you to orgasm on his fingers, mouth sucking your clit. He sits up and grins, proud of himself. “I married you because of the way you do that.” You grin at him.

“I know.” He winks, and then presses his lips to the inside of your leg.

He shifts closer to you as he kisses down your thigh and you feel he’s hard, “Want me to…”

“No baby, you deserve a lot of worshipping before you really need to think about me.” He explains. “I’ll live with this, but I’m gonna make you breakfast.”

He pushes your T-shirt up, as his lips push up your stomach, and then his hard on his poking you through his underwear, right at your core, as his body is flush against you while he kisses you.

His hips are rocking against you, before you know, “baby? This ok?” He asks, knowing he’s getting a little further than he intended.

“You better not stop.” You warn, hooking one leg around his hip.  

It used to be like this when you first got together, you were both insatiable for each other. There were a lot of mornings filled with this exact type of behavior, him not wanting to have sex, because of how long it’d take but still finding a way to please you before he had to run off to the studio.

Ash is barely holding on, and you decide to tease him a little to tip him over the edge, you nibble his ear, “gonna cum baby?” You say softly, threading your fingers in his hair. “I’m going to, so good Ash.”

“Fuuuuuck.” He groans. His hips hit hard into yours a few more times and then you feel the warmth of his cum spreading in his underwear.

“Feel good baby?” You ask, gently running your fingers through his hair.

“Yeah, fuck. I swear you’re the only one who’s made me cum in my pants since I was like, 15.” He groans against your neck. He moves his hips back a little and then rests his chin on your chest, and watches you as his fingers find your clit and start to rub, “since you’re so close as well.” He’s got a devious look in his eye.

“Fuck, Ash.” You moan, as he brings you to your second orgasm.

“I miss mornings like these.” He admits, laying next to you. “I need a shower.” He groans, pulling at the waistband of his underwear.

“Take me with you.” You grin at him.

“Yes, Princess.” He’s up and hoisting you over his shoulder, hand landing a couple smacks to your bare ass. You squeal and then he sets you down in the bathroom and pulls the shirt over your head, tossing it and his underwear in the dirty clothes basket. You watch as he picks the perfect temperature for the shower and pulls you in with him.

Cal’s in your kitchen, making coffee.

“Hey Cal.” You greet, hair still wet.

Ashton is in right after you, “Hey Cal.”

You knew by looking at Cal, he’d picked up on the fact that you were both freshly showered.

“What brings you over?” You ask, getting a glass of water.

“Well I came over to make sure no one was dead because neither of you answered your phones.” He explains.

“Stop being dramatic.” Ashton laughs.

“Listen if I’d’ve known I was interrupting something, I wouldn’t have come.”

“Who said you’re interrupting anything?” You smirk.

“Well I’m not stupid, for starters, you’re both freshly showered, and you both must think I’m deaf if I didn’t hear the grunting and moaning when I walked in 20 minutes ago. Heard ya both finish.” He smirks.

Ash reaches for your, “Well in that case.” He pulls you in and kisses you hard. He pushes his forehead to yours, “babe.”

The two of you are sitting at Cal’s on the couch, watching tv. You’re next to each other. His hand finds your thigh, “I want to talk to you about something.” He mentions. You turn your body to face him and nod, “I wanna come home.” He reaches for your hand, “and I want to be very clear about this, we… maybe… I’d like us to get counseling. I know I want a family’s but I know you’re not ready to trust me like that.” He sighs, “but I want you to know I’m willing to put the effort in.”

You nod, “yeah Ash, I think we could make that work.”

“And I love you. I really, truly, love you.” He adds quietly. “I meant it when I said you’re the only one.” Ash is fiddling with something, and he finally shows you, he’s got your rings. “Would you marry me again?” He asks.

You nod, and wipe at your eyes and the forming tears. Ash grabs your left hand and slips your rings back where they belong. “Think you can drop a few good lines and I’m just gonna fall into bed?” You chuckle, letting him know you mean it as a joke. “I love you too Ash. I meant every word of my vows. And I’m ok to let you back home, but I want to work on us before we think about a family.” You place your hand on top of his.

“But someday?” He asks, tentatively.

“That was always the plan. You’re going to be a great father someday, but I just don’t see that day being anytime soon.” You nod.

“That’s ok.” He agrees. You’re both quiet for a bit, “so I’m coming home, we’re going to counseling and you’re staying on the pill?”

“Yeah.” You agree, smiling at him.

“I’m all in baby.” He grins.

Taglist: @cocktail-calum @1dthewantedlove @september09241994 @youngblood199456 @lustingforwunder @calumsphile @neso-k @rosecoloredash @radmcqueen @justayoungandwisefangirl @itsnotmyblood @slimthicccal​ @softboycal​ @lietoash​ @crashworthy

masterlist || ashton || calum || luke || michael

wanna be tagged? go here

[natsuxlucyfanfiction]

Superhero Part 3 (nalu fanfiction)

Yo so what’s good, this is Superhero Part 3 but like...what I wanted to write is a longer idea which in no way I could have written with one post. So basically there’s gonna be a part 4 and possibly a part 5. If you read this and think, “wait, how is this related to Superhero?” it’ll all start to make more sense with the upcoming chapter(s).

*********

“Congratulations, your highschool days are officially over! Please leave already!” Everyone’s graduation caps flew up as people cheered with excitement, joy, and jubilation. The caps came down in a flurry onto the ex-students. The celebration continued, everyone too caught up in the moment to make a complaint.

Lucy and I did our secret handshake to celebrate while everyone screamed and hugged and cried and leapt for joy. Through our entire lives, we always knew it would happen one day but now it was real. Neat, I guess.

“We did it, we did it, we did it,” Lucy chanted jovially with a sing-song tone. She was the fourth in our class.

“We did it,” I nearly wept with relief.

“This is the start to a whole new chapter of our lives!”

“tHiS iS tHe sTaRt tO a wHoLe nEw cHaPtEr oF oUr LiVeS,” I mocked her. “Lucy, you realize you’re gonna wake up tomorrow and you’re gonna feel zero different and then feel dumb for acting all cliché at your graduation.”

“I hate you!” Lucy whined, hands on her hips. “Why can’t you just let me enjoy the moment for once?”

“What moment? We’re graduating! Why are we all pretending that we liked school? You know how many times I’ve heard people complain about this dumb place?” Giving her a hard time was the best. Her nose always scrunches up and she thinks she looks intimidating, which makes it like 10 times better.

“You are literally the worst, you’re making me want to move to Crocus more and more by the second,” she joked. Freaking Crocus.

“You think you’re soooo much better than me now since you’ve been accepted into Crocus University.”

“No, of course not! Just because it’s the second most prestigious school in the entire world and is extremely hard to get into especially with a scholarship like mine, doesn’t mean that I’m gonna flex that privilege.”

“Very reassuring, thanks,” I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm. It’s not even the best school, it’s the second best. I don’t know why she cares so much. She should just stay here.

“You’re just salty that in less than two months I’m moving hours and hours away,” she said again to tease me, but she wasn’t wrong. There are good universities nearby. Sure, attending Crocus University was a great opportunity for Luce, but she’s leaving everything behind. Even me.

“Yeah, sure. Maybe when you’re gone I can finally get myself a girlfriend,” I said.

“That’s as likely as you attending Crocus University,” Lucy giggled. “It’s the second best university in the entire world, just a quick reminder. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m going there.”

“All bow for Lucy Heartfilia!” I’d miss our little banter.

“You’re kinda right though, I’m over this. Wanna go get wings?” Lucy was bouncing up and down with her typical boundless energy. She’s always so excited and full of happiness.

“Tonight, we eat ‘till we drop.” We bumped fists and left graduation in my truck. I gave her the aux cord and hoped she wouldn’t play trash. To my great fortune, the sweet music by Queen flooded my ears. Lucy grabbed the fake microphone we always kept in the back and began singing along.

“Get your party gown and your pigtail down

And get your heart beating baby

Got my timing right, got my act all tight

It’s gonna be tonight my little school baby”

These are the moments I’ll miss. Her next to me, carefree and happy. It’s not like she’s dying, I don’t know why this is affecting me as much as it is. There’s social media which will keep us connected. And she’ll be happy there. She’s been nothing but excited since the second she read “Congratulations!” on her acceptance letter. I spent all my time hoping she would make it in, so I was surprised by how much my stomach dropped when she read the letter to me.

I need to forget about it right now and savor the time I have left. I sped up, way over the speed limit, and lowered the windows. The wind blew through our hair as we both blurted the lyrics to the next song, Hot Blood by Kaleo. I looked cool as heck, but Lucy’s hair flew in every possible direction because it was so long.

Life is good.

-------------

The airport was freaking huge. It took us forever to find Lucy’s terminal. Maybe this was a sign that she shouldn’t go to Crocus. Stop being selfish, Natsu! I kept reminding myself.

“Flight 442, first class passengers please board.” That was Lucy’s flight. Soon they’d call for coach or economy class, whatever it was called.

“This is actually happening,” Lucy said with an out-of-breath tone. After months and months of excitement, it seemed as if reality just hit her. She looked pale and shaky. “Natsu, I can’t go, I’m not ready-”

“Lucy.” I took a deep breath. “Your dreams are coming true. No one ever feels ready to leap into a new era of their life. It’s the few who leap anyway that are the ones who live their happy lives.” I looked in her eyes and saw the same nervousness that I felt. “This is what you’ve always wanted. There’s nothing more that I could’ve wished for than this opportunity for you. I 100% think that this is a great idea.” I 100% want you to stay home, Lucy. Please don’t listen to a word I’m saying.

“You tryna get rid of me or something?” Lucy laughed while wiping unshed tears from her eyes.

“Am I making it too obvious?” I joked along. Of course I don’t want to get rid of her. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that she’s going and about to live her dream. I just... wish I could be a part of it.

“Flight 442, economy class passengers please board,” the annoying flight attendant announced.

“That’s me,” Lucy whispered with a soft smile on her face. She wrapped me into a hug, squeezing tightly. I hugged her back, knowing this was the last one for a long time. Be happy for her, Natsu. Be supportive, stop thinking about yourself. It was our last moments in person together for who knows how long yet I was silent. I couldn’t think of what to say. Think, Natsu! Come on dude! She pulled away from the hug and I saw more unshed tears in her eyes. I knew she wouldn’t cry here, but the second she sat down in that plane she’d let the tears fall loosely.

Lucy picked up her carry on and pulled out her passport and ticket for the attendant to check. I just stood here and watched her like some creep as she waited in the line. Finally, she was about to go through the gate, I think it’s called, when I shouted out:

“Goodbye, Little Luce!”

She turned around and smiled, a gorgeous smile I’d never forget. “Goodbye my Superhero!” Lucy called out with no shame. She was probably too far away to notice the tears streaming down my face.

The plane left 20 minutes ago, but here I was still at the terminal, as if somehow the plane would turn around and she’d come back running into my arms. A boy could dream. It felt like I was mourning Luce, but she wasn’t leaving my life permanently. We’d still talk everyday.

I drove to my apartment. Usually I’d play some sort of music to fill the silence, but today I just wanted the quietness. Both in the car and at my apartment I just contemplated. What would life look like without Lucy?

A week later I’d start learning at some Automotive school nearby to become a mechanic. I’ve already been working on cars for years so it won’t be too much of a challenge.

I grabbed the remote and switched on Netflix. After a bit of scrolling, I found out all of the Indiana Jones movies were on Netflix. “Sweet!” I selected Raiders of the Lost Ark then grabbed blankets, snacks, and drinks for Lucy and I. It was only when I got back to the couch that I remembered Lucy wasn’t there anymore. Force of habit, I guess.

Man, getting used to this is gonna be tough.

———-

*9 months after graduation, 7 months since Lucy left*

The thing that surprised me the most was that I was actually learning a lot in school, I thought I knew everything. A mechanic at the nicest shop around took me in as his assistant. My schedule was full between school and the shop. When I get my certificate in a year and a half, I’d begin working there full time.

Lucy and I used to talk every single day for hours. We‘d constantly text or facetime or snapchat, but both our lives have gotten so busy. We still talk everyday (streaks) but not one conversation hasn’t been cut short due to one of us needing to do something.

“Morning Luce!”

“Good morning! Dude have you seen the trailer for the new Avengers movie?”

“No, it’s out?! I’ll check it out when I get home. Class is starting, I’ll call you later.”

Looking back at these past conversations made me realize how short and choppy they were. That wasn’t either of our intentions but that’s how it was turning out and it just really sucks.

--------

*11 months since graduation, 9 months since Lucy left*

My phone vibrated from the charger when I was watching Brooklyn Nine Nine. I checked it, hoping it wasn’t anything important and I wasn’t called in to work so I could enjoy my day off. It was an instagram notification from Lucy. Apparently she just posted something. After switching my phone off silent, I opened instagram to check it out but was stopped when I got a call from her.

“Sup Luce.”

“Did you see my post on instagram?!” She practically screamed. I turned down the volume a bit.

“You mean the one you just posted literal seconds ago?” She ignored my comment and continued on.

“Check out the post now! Do it! Open Instagram! Like the post so I know you saw it!” I opened up the app and her post was the first one on my feed.

“‘Mark the day, everybody,’” I read, “‘because today is the beginning of Mark and I’s relationship’? Lucy you have a boyfriend?!” She never even told me she was talking to somebody! I know communication has been tough with both of our busy schedules but I didn’t think we were drifting apart so much so that she wouldn’t tell me something like this!

“Yup, he asked me out today. We’ve been talking for a while now, if you know what I mean,” she said with a suggestive tone.

“Congratulations, though I don’t even know who this mystery Mark is.” Making sure to add a laugh so it didn’t look like I was calling her out, I awaited her response.

“If you did know him, you’d love him Natsu. You guys would get along so well.”

“But I don’t know him.” My voice conveyed the frustration that was starting to stir in me, becoming a little louder and more aggressive. Luckily, it was subtle enough for Lucy not to catch.

“Stop being a little wuss,” Lucy joked. “He’s my boyfriend, not yours. You don’t need to know him.” Her tone was so lighthearted, yet I took the words so seriously.

Is that supposed to sting? This whole conversation really just isn’t doing it for me. Not only that, but for some reason now I feel sick too. My gut feels weird. “Well I hope y’all live happily ever after in that dream castle you’d always draw on the back of your tests. Wanna continue this conversation later? I gotta deal with a client for the shop.” I was currently sitting on my couch with a show on Hulu paused.

“For sure, see ya!” And with that, one of the hardest phone calls of my life came to a close. I don’t know how I feel about this Mark guy. Whoever he is, I don’t want Lucy dating him. It’s not my choice, that’s obvious, but I thought she’d at least consult me about whether she should date him. Or, you know, tell me about him! Is our friendship slowly deteriorating? Maybe I’m just thinking about myself too much, or like, being too possessive of a best friend. She doesn’t have to tell me everything. Lucy can do whatever she wants.

I ignored the tight feeling in my chest and continued watching Brooklyn Nine Nine. The episodes passed by but they didn’t register. My thoughts consumed me. Anxiety about my friendship with Lucy just made that already weird chest pain feel worse. I didn’t cry but boy did it feel like I was gonna. Was our friendship dying? All I know for certain now is that I’m the king of overthinking.

***************

As I said earlier, there will be more. Please leave a comment, for real, I legitimately wanna know what’s good and what’s not and how I can fix whatever to make the experience better for y’all.

[sicaminion]

//thg+mutant!AU no one really ask for (+my own spin off) i dont even think i have the energy and commitment to ever finish this but whatevaaaahhh for now. Let's just spam this new side blog of mine :))))

{prev.}

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That afternoon Shouyou gave Natsu the bento he promised, wrapped prettily in bunny printed cloth he'd made when working in the printing machine a month ago. Today was Natsu's birthday and as per routine, each year they spent it in the woods at the back of their house. There was a small clearing there, where patches of persistent daisies gathered, facing towards the cliff that looked upon forbidden forest and the endless cloudless sky. Like every afternoons they spend on Natsu's birthday the sky was vibrant with color that day too. Pink, and purple, but mostly orange the same shade of Shouyou's hair.

Hinatas were known for their bright ginger hairs but no one had seen anyone with hair like his before. His wasn't ginger, his was orange. Like orange's orange. Long ago because of his unnatural, striking hair color, when he was little and it's normal for kids to still be without any mutations, people would assumed that he'd be one of the most powerful gifted in history. Old folks said that people with the most powerful gifts were born with some unnatural condition in their body, like the legendary small giant of their district. He had unnatural pupils not unlike a crow, the story said.

Shouyou used to hate his hair because then people saw him differently. The adults were all talking behind his back. They'd whispered and shared conspiracy theories that made him sound like some kind of monster. The other children avoided him like he's a ticking time bomb. 'Mom said that Hinata was dangerous. On the day his gift given he might kill us in accident.’ There were talks like that that made him had no friends till the age of 9. That's when Kouji and Izumi moved in from district 11 to 12.

Kouji and Izumi were both a year younger than him but they already had their gifts present. Kouji could walk himself through any physical matters. That's how he could sneaked from one factory to another without alarming the guards and sometimes helped Shouyou with his tasks. It also helped that his parents worked in the post office so he was the less poorer than the three, thus, he had lesser workloads. Meanwhile, Izumi had the ability to made everything he touched with his two index fingers multiple times heavier (or the opposite if he used both of his pinkies.) The quiet boy would help him whenever they shared the same schedule at the warehouses.

Both Kouji and Izumi had been such great friends to him. Ever since the moment they moved in they'd never been ones to listen to bad rumors about Shouyou. They befriended him then and still did so even when he was declared officially giftless and people started to avoid Shouyou for completely different reasons. ‘That Hinata is giftless, don't come near him or he'll rub his weakness on us!’—other kids used to said to him. It made the quiet, ever polite Izumi rolled his eyes, and spit angry words that would had made Shouyou and Kouji laughed and teased Izumi for losing his coolness after that.

But even giftless as he was, people still sometimes looked at Shouyou's hair weirdly and it made him self-conscious and feeling down that even his friends couldn't cheer him up. Except Natsu, his dearest most precious little sister.

“Nii-san's hair is pretty,” she had once stated proudly in front of other children his age one day when Shouyou came to pick him up from the shabby warehouse where kind Shiba-grandma taught children to read every Mondays and Tuesdays, and they had looked at him weirdly. “Pretty like sunsets and sweet sweet orange! Natsu likes nii-san's hair!”

Shouyou remembered his sister bright smile and the look of adoration in her eyes. One that reserved for her one and only brother that wouldn't be affected by other people's opinions. Because theirs didn't matter. For Natsu, Shouyou's hair was pretty, and for Shouyou, as long as Natsu likes it then he would like it too.

.

“Nii-san here, today's thankyou-bite is katsu.” Shouyou smiled as Natsu prompted him to open his mouth. It was their family tradition—for every birthday, the one who celebrate it should give others a thankyou-bite from their meals. The richer kids probably cut their birthday cake and give it to their loved ones but not the Hinatas—they would make up whatever they could from their meager birthday meals.

“Thank you Natsu.” Shouyou brushed the younger's head affectionately. He made sure he chewed the small bite as long as he could and savored the taste to remember later. Today Natsu was 8 years old. Gradually his little sister would grow up, older and more until the day come when he won't get to call her ‘little’ anymore. Natsu was savoring the food too. Shouyou had seen her praying a bit longer than usual before she started eating. Today was absolutely important for both of them for more than one obvious reasons.

For a moment after Natsu finished the bento there was silence between them. When Natsu took his hand and gripped them between her chubby hands, Shouyou knew what was coming.

“Tomorrow is the day of the reaping,” Natsu started so softly, it almost sounded like she was whispering the words instead. “Nii-san is 15 now.”

“I am.” Shouyou squeezed his sister's hand. “You know what'll happen tomorrow right?”

Natsu nodded. She had her head bowed down that Shouyou couldn't see the look on her face. “They'll make people from the age of 15 to 22 to lined up in front of the podium. You'll be there.”

Shouyou heard the last part told with wavering voices. He lifted up her little sister's face by a tender touch on her chin. There he saw Natsu's eyes had already glistened with tears. “And you will stay with Kouji and Izumi and listen to what they said until I come back,” he told her.

But come back from what? And for how long? The most important questions left unasked and unanswered.

Natsu pulled him for a hug. Her tiny arms squeezed him as she cried quietly as if to hide it from her brother. “I love you nii-san,” she muttered. “I'll wait for you, so please come back.”

Shouyou pulled her in as tight as he could without hurting her. His eyes started to sting but he bit his lips and hold it in. (“You have to be stronger now Shou,” he remembered his mother told him before she disappeared forever, “for both you and her because from now on you two only have each other. Everything is gonna be so much harder but I always know I could lean on you. She would too.”)

There would be times for him to be afraid and scared, to worry and to cry as much as he needed to. Just not now, not in front of his little sister.

Later. He would let go later. Now though, now was for Natsu

.

“I will,” he promised both of them.

—

At night they presented the board and Shouyou was topping everyone with more than 500 points difference. He knew it already but that night he still went to the forbidden forest and cried. When he'd felt better and decided to went back, he arrived at home to Natsu, Kouji, and Izumi encouragements. They all supporting red eyes that night but smiles were shared and hugs were readily given when they gathered around the bonfire at the same clearing Shouyou and Natsu had spent time this afternoon.

Shouyou had also seen some other teenagers and young adults whose name displayed on the board after the announcement. If anyone felt confident they won't get pick after knowing Shouyou's predicament they didn't show it. What Shouyou had seen were grim eyes and sadness, lost and forced smile, shared among children and their parents, between couples, and among friends.

That night Shouyou was reminded once again how they're all just the same one way or another. Oppressed, miserable, helpless, under the tyrants who called themselves The World Government.

—

{next.}

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////alkdjfld this is like prologue leading to the selection and actual hunger games (of kids with supernatural abilities heck yea :) i still need to explain why people in the districts have these powers and shouldn't that made them feeling confident to do revolution anyway? But nah not really, they're oppressed for so so so sssoooo long. They haveave no combat training, they don't even have the number, the resources, or the willpower for that matter. That's also why the WG made these kids go to thg, so they could keep track on the kind of powers the next gen in the districts have and to level the possible threats. They'll sabotage the game anyway and make the most pliable champion win and then the winner of thg will be more or less the WG puppet (and human weapon but sssssshhhh ;)) /////also, aw poor Hinata going to be thrown up to join battle to the death between some questionable characters in the future, all alone giftless (but not helpless! Noooooo) //////THERE WILL BE KAGEHINA OF COURSE!!!!! BECAUSE OTP IS THE ONLY REASON I WANNA WRITE THIS TBH LOL but laterrrrrrr much much later orz

[growlithe-and-company]

Wooo can’t believe i’m 20? Like that’s a thing now? 2 decades I’ve been on this Earth. How time flies... So in celebration of turning 20 I think I’m going to post 20 things that I like about myself and my life.

1. I actually really like my lips and smile. Only thing I’m super vain about.

2. I love my eyes as well. They’re a pretty hazel, greyish green and brown. 

3. I have got such a cute cat! Maggie is her name. She’s easily my most favourite thing about my life. She’s made me so happy.

4. I have two really awesome friends. One being @miss-stary-eyes, we met here on Tumblr years ago.. lost count of how many years, at least 4 years ago. We did a rp together, I remember it! I played Loki and she played an OC called Eona, and Loki was teaching her magic (and he of course fell in love with her). Ahh we’ve been through so much, my dear, and I’m so glad you’re in my life. The second, or really first friend (since I met her 8 years ago) is my dear best friend Laurena, who isn’t on Tumblr but she has always been there for me and her and I share so many amazing memories. Don’t know where I’d be without my two favourite girls!

5. I have a tongue piercing that I’m low key obsessed with? It’s such a great little fidget thing to distract me in stressful times. I just roll the top ball on the roof of my mouth or slip the bottom of the bar across my lips (not smacking against my teeth, that’d be dreadful)

6. My town in Animal Crossing is pretty damn gorgeous if I do say so myself. I’ve spent months working on it and it’s come out really nice. No way near finished, but it’s looking damn good.

7. I live almost entirely by myself. Between work and his fiance, my dad is rarely at home. So while he still pays for everything, I get to reap the rewards! I love being alone, and having an entire house to myself. FUCK WEARING PANTS.

8. I know how to knit, which is definitely a fun skill to have. I’ve knit myself two full sized blankets, and several dozen scarves. I’d love to learn to knit a jumper one day, that is my goal.

9. Ever since moving out of my mums place I’ve developed a really great relationship with my sister. I’m so thankful for that because her and I get along really great when we’re not in each others spaces.

10. I really applied myself these past two years and got 3 courses done. Certificate III in Tourism, another cert III in Travel, and then a diploma of travel and tourism! I’m so proud of myself for accomplishing these.

11. My room is currently my nerd station. I have several posters hanging up (my fave being my Iron Man poster, but I also love my Captain America poster that’s in the front room) and I have several other little nerdy knick knacks laying around. I love it, my little nerd paradise.

12. My hair grows pretty quickly! I had my hair cut super short at the start of the year, it was shaved on the sides and slightly shaggy on the top. Currently I have it pulled back in a loose ponytail, all of it tied back, and about 6 inches of hair in the pony!

13. I struggled with this.. but I finally got through my learning drivers licence and am now on my provisional. It took me 7 tries to pass my practical test, and luckily only one try to pass my hazard perception test. BUT IT’S DONE! I’m on the home stretch now. 2 years time and I’ll have my full licence booiiiiii

14. Ok, this is gonna get deep and borderline triggering. So I put it in the tags for trigger warning but this is your second warning. When I was 14, I tried to kill myself. Twice actually. First time I just cried and then got mad (at myself, at the doctors for helping me, at my mum). But the second time really shook me. The nurses were cool to me, the doctors didn’t seem to care, I knew I was wasting their time, resources, and energy because I did this on purpose, whereas there’s probably someone else who needs them more than me. I felt like a piece of shit after the second attempt and it really shook me to the core. It’s been 6 years since then.. Wow 6 years, that’s insane. I’m so proud of myself, I’ve made serious progress. I get a little depressed now and again, and I’m a little lonely. But I’m ok, I have things in my life that I’m so happy about, and things that have happened since my attempt that have made everything so worth it. It gets better, it truly does. 

15. I have got such a nice little book collection going on. I don’t read anymore, I wish I still did. I keep buying books to hopefully spark my old reading bug back to life. So I’ll probably have a huge bookshelf filled with books that I don’t read haha. Actually, that’s a lie. I do still read. Every year I re-read The Hobbit. It’s my favourite book and I love it with all my heart. I have a signed copy by Bombur and Bofur! James (Bofur) forgot to sign the book (I asked them to write a quote on top of the signature) and when I realised with Steven (Bombur) that James forgot to sign it I kinda just sighed and said oh well. But Steven said “oh nah, we’ll sort it.” -leans over and smacks James on the arm with the book- “Oi, ya egg, you forgot to sign it!” James laughed and apologised, and quickly signed it. That is a memory I will never forget, seeing Peter call James an egg and smacking him, it was the highlight of my comic con trip.

16. Speaking of comic con! I met another famous dwarf at a previous comic con. Dean O’Gorgeous, er I mean O’Gormon. I got a photo done with him and boiiiii I told him an awful joke to break the ice. Lemme share it with you. “Why does Gandalf walk funny?”  “I don’t know, why?” “Because he has crystal balls...” Yeahhhhhh I said that to him with a straight face and he did that forced laugh you do when a kid tells you a totally not funny joke but you gotta laugh because you don’t wanna hurt their feelings. Anyway that was awkward as fuck, so we took the photo and my god he was so warm like hoo boy like a furnace but yeah awkward as fuck don’t know why I told you guys because yikes I couldn’t get out of there fast enough hahaha.

17. My cousin, Hannah, sent me a little letter a few weeks ago completely out fo the blue. She said she missed me, and asked when I was coming back to NZ to visit, and if I could come to her birthday. Then she told me about her day and how her first year at school went. She’s 6! I can’t believe how old she’s gotten. I cried when I read the letter, it was so sweet. I wish I had the funds to go visit her and her brother, they’re definitely my favourite cousins out of the four (sorry Noah and Addi :P)

18. Oh boy, 18. Now for those who don’t know, in Australia the drinking age is 18. I went to my friends 18th party, which was a week before my 18th, and I basically celebrated my birthday as well. I got mighty drunk, and had a great time. I made some questionable decisions, but it’s ok, sometimes in life you gotta step outside your comfort zone/see what your drinking limit is before you’re giving a guy you just met a lap dance! But that night was actually lots of fun. It was a couple weeks before I moved out of mums place and traveled across the country to live with my dad. I was all kinds of stressed out, and feeling very sad to be leaving my mama. So that night was a huge relief to me. I got to just sit around with a bunch of great people while we idly drank and talked about stuff. And then I promptly peed myself which caused everyone to laugh their asses off and almost piss themselves. So yeah pretty fun and memorable night!

19. My dads fiance, Fiona, is honestly such an awesome person! They met earlier in the year, and are engaged now (they’re really in love and it’s so cute). She’s got a fat cat called Oscar and I LOVE HIM.

20. Ahh 20... 2 whole decades of life. I’ll admit, I don’t really think I have a whole lot to show for my 20 years. Lots of little things really. But I know I’ll make an impact on my life, probably next year. With dad getting married and moving in with her (she owns her house, dad rents his) I’ll definitely have to find my own place to stay. But it’s ok, it’ll all work itself out. I’ll make something of myself in the coming years. I’m not worried (ahaha I’ll keep saying that till I believe it) I’ve made it this far, and for that, I’m proud of myself.

[leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid]

That’s Not Fine

Pairing: Dean x Reader; Charlie Bradbury, and ofc Seraphina

Word Count: 3228

Warnings: Symptoms of Bipolar 2 disorder, depression, hypomania, suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation, negative self image and thoughts. If any of this is triggering or possibly triggering Please Do Not Read!!!!

Author’s Note: Written for the Mental Health Awareness Challenge hosted by @letsgetoutalive. This is an AU where Dean is not a hunter but he is the reader’s husband. The reader has Bipolar 2 disorder and she is me. This story is based on true events that happened over the summer between myself and several others. They know who they are and I hope this gives them a little peak at what was going on in my head at the time. I can never apologize enough and to some I can’t apologize at all for the things I did while having an episode, and its completely inexcusable. Things are different now and if you feel like things are getting out of control or those around you keep saying, get help, please seek treatment. No one deserves to deal with a disorder like this without help. It’s awful for everyone involved. My birthday gift to myself today is truth, to lay myself out for you all to see. My name is Sundae, I’m bipolar, and this is my story. Italics are inner thoughts, Bold italics are IM messages.

There it was again, that thought, the nagging, constient voice whispering in your ear. ‘They hate you. You pissed them off. They just put up with you and your crap because they feel bad for you. You have to make it up to them, fix it. Fix it. Fix it!’ That little voice was back and it was getting louder and louder everyday.

“Hey babe, you okay?” you husband Dean sat down next to you on the bed, wonder in his beautiful green eyes.

You looked up from your laptop screen, putting a fake half smile on your face as you nodded. “Yep, all good. Was just messaging Charlie back.”

“Oh, tell her I said hi and I’m gonna get dinner going. Thought I’d let you know since I know you are trying to write in here.”

“Yeah, not much writing going on today but alright. Let me know when it’s ready. Love you.”

Dean leaned closer, “Love you too.” his pink plush lips brush over yours before he jumps up and walks out of the room.

Your eyes went back to your screen, the message to Charlie still sitting unsent in the IM window. ‘It’s just I feel like I’m bothering you all the time and I don’t want to do that. I never want to do that to you because I love you. You are one of my best friends and if I’m too much to handle you are welcome to drop me out of your life.’ You reread that message three times before letting your fingers fly over the keys again. ‘I completely understand and I encourage you to distance yourself from me. It would be a lot better if you did.’ Sent.

There it was finally, in black and white, and you hoped when Charlie read the message she would see it was for the best for her to walk away from her friendship with you. You’d always told her that you were trouble. That being friends meant that she would be dealing with a crazy person and she had laughed it off thinking it was just a joke. It wasn’t and now you waited for when she’d read the message and get back to you.

Clicking over into another tab sat the unfinished story you had been working on. A challenge a friend had given you that when you said you’d do it had inspired so many things. A rockstar falling in love and getting addicted to heroin, using with her bass player/boyfriend, the highs and lows of stardom making them chase that high higher and higher until they couldn’t chase it anymore. You’d planned it out, knew what was going to happen, but here you sat staring at just the first few paragraphs, all energy to write it gone.

“Come on Y/N, you can write this.” you whispered to yourself. You’d been writing for years, the last year of which had been your most productive, writing and releasing stories onto your blog multiple times a week. Most of your nights spent wide awake, fingers flying over the keys to bring to life new pieces of storytelling and filth for the masses to read along with you. You knew you could do this, you’d finished every single challenge you’d been given so far, and you were not about to let this one be a failure.

Rereading what you’d written though sparked no inspiration and when you clicked back into the tab for Tumblr you saw a message from Charlie.

‘I’m not going to do that and you aren’t bothering me. I don’t understand why you feel like that but we’ve been over this again and again. Please, Y/N, let this go and move on.’

She was mad at you. Clearly she was mad and you felt tears starting to burn behind your eyes. You’d done it again, made a friend mad when you were just trying to fix it. ‘I’m sorry. It’s just how I was feeling is all.’

��You have no reason to feel that way.’

Charlie’s response didn’t make sense to you and you reread it half a dozen times before replying again. You did have reason to feel that way because she’d been distant and you knew you’d been bothering her because she’d told you earlier in the week she’d been busy with work. You needed to make her see that you were no good for her and you were a cancer in her life that needed to be eliminated.

‘But I do and I’m just sorry.’

There was no reply after that and you knew your friendship was over. Fat, hot tears ran down your cheeks as you sat in bed waiting for a reply that never came. Dean hollered from the kitchen that dinner was ready and you wiped at your face till you were sure he couldn’t tell you’d been crying.

The smell of steak filling your senses as you wandered slowly into the kitchen. “Smells great babe.”

Dean turned around, a smile gracing his gorgeous face. “Thanks, did you need more time to write after dinner?” He asked as he started to portion out the plates.

“No, wasn’t getting much done anyway.” You were a failure and all you could do was stuff your face and hope Dean didn’t decide this was when he wanted to walk away from a fat ass like you.

Together you ate while he talked about different parts of his day at the shop he co-owned with his dad and you tried to pay attention as you kept rerunning the chat you’d had with Charlie. There had to be a way to fix it, you’d messed it up so badly.

Dean continued to talk until you had finished dinner, not once did he ask how your day had been, and as you walked to the bedroom together to watch tv your heart sank. ‘He doesn’t even care how your day was. He knows it was boring. He probably hates you like Charlie does and like Ellen does, and Jo.’  You knew everyone hated you and you deserved for them to hate you.

The next couple hours were spent watching a movie on Netflix and when Dean fell asleep without kissing you goodnight you’d turned off the tv as well as your bedside lamp, and turned away from him. You reached for your phone, the Tumblr app opening, and showing a new message from someone and you were filled with dread at who it might be.

‘Please, Y/N, let it go. I can’t keep telling you that everything is fine between us. You are my friend and I love you but you need help. Something is wrong and I can’t help you.’

Charlie’s words cut like a knife through your heart and you let silent sobs wrack your body. Something was wrong, very wrong, and every time you saw a doctor they always told you the same thing. It’s just a little depression and a few months with medication should make you feel better. And the doctor was right, it did, for awhile.

That’s when you would feel normal, you’d finally sleep and eat like everyone else, you’d spend time with Dean doing things you loved and your brain didn’t feel like it was running a marathon. The meds worked, they did but then everything would start to slip. You’d take your meds but then you’d start feeling that urge to stay awake. To write one more story, ideas flying out of your head so fast you could hardly keep up. The phrases, “did you sleep? When did you come to bed? Have you eaten today?” all became regular parts of your husband’s vocabulary.

You’d shrug him off, you were fine, and super productive. You had stories ready for when you had writers block and your follower count was up since you’d been posting so much new content. Things were fine, he just couldn’t see it. You didn’t need to sleep to be amazing or put out amazing content, this was how you were and you loved it.

But you knew, every single time, and you dreaded what you knew was coming. What you were going through right now, this low, the darkness slowly closing in around you. Every thought in your head telling you that you were a bad person and deserved to be told so by everyone. You didn’t deserve to be happy, you deserved to feel this way, and to watch your friends walk away from a crazy person like you.

You clicked over to your dash, scrolling through posts and finding nothing to occupy your mind. All that kept going around and around in your head was Charlie’s words, your brain highlighting certain parts and leaving others behind. ‘Y/N, let it go. I can’t keep telling you that everything is fine. You need help and I can’t help you.’ Over and over again your brain kept repeating it until finally you couldn’t hold it in anymore.

Instead of bothering anyone you opened a text post, sticking a little asterisk in where you’d put your usual text and start venting in the tags.

Writing all that out did nothing to make you feel better and you continued to cry until you fell asleep. When you awoke the next morning, Dean was already gone, and you grabbed your phone to check for notifications and messages. A text from Dean told you he loved you and he’d be late getting home. Paperwork for the expansion was finally in and he’d need to work on it with his dad after hours.

Next was Tumblr and as usual you didn’t have any messages. The notifications were from people reblogging mostly your reblogs and a few likes on an old story back when you were actually able to write. With nothing worth looking at there any longer, you opened your dash and started scrolling. Just a few posts down was one by Charlie and she was obviously not happy.

Charlie’s post ate at you, reading it and the tags over and over again. You knew it had been wrong to put her in the tags, knew that online etiquette says don’t out anyone or say anything except positive things about others but you had to get it out. Your brain wouldn’t stop, the voice repeating itself over and over again until you posted it.

You pushed the reblog button, your fingers poised over the keys trying to think of what to say but all you could think was that she was right. You were sick and manipulating people into feeling bad for you. There was no reason for anyone to feel sorry for you because you were acting like a child, boohooing on the internet when you should just keep it to yourself.

Closing the reblog you starting planning instead. The world didn’t need you in it, messing everything up for everyone. Bothering them with your nonsense and dragging them down when they were all so happy. Dean would be home late and you knew that would give you the time that you needed to do this right.

Walking into your bathroom you took stock of what you had on hand in the cabinet. Muscle relaxers from when Dean hurt his back a few weeks before, the sleeping pills your doctor gave you for when you told him you had trouble sleeping, and your Prozac that was half full of capsules. You weren’t sure if it would be enough but you figured if you ground everything down they might at least work faster. Dean would probably get home too late to help you and it would all just end.

With a plan forming in your mind you heard a ding from your phone of a message. Opening it you saw it was from Seraphine, a friend you had made online and you sighed wondering what she wanted.

‘Hey sweetie just wanted to check in on you. I saw your post from last night and if you need to talk I’m here for you.’

‘Hey Sera I’m fine just having a moment. Don’t worry about me. I’m good.’

‘You sure?”

You chewed at your lip knowing you were lying but not wanting to worry your friend at all. ‘Yeah I’m fine. Everythings fine.’

‘Doesn’t seem fine. How are things with Dean?”

‘Dean’s good. Working late tonight which is good for me. Lets me get done what I need to do.’

There was a pause between messages and you sat on your bed waiting for her to reply so you could say goodbye and get the mortar and pestle from your kitchen to start getting your pills ready.

‘What is it that you need to do?’

You were getting aggravated, you needed to go so you could do this. You needed to end this conversation and end your sad pathetic existence.

‘Nothing you need to worry about. Just something that needs to be done. I’ve got to go. Bye sweetie.’

‘Wait! Don’t go, Y/N. Please, whatever it is you need to do I want you to know you don’t have to. What time is Dean coming home?’

You looked up at the clock and realized the day had slipped away from you. Hours of time just bleeding into one another without you even noticing, the sky outside your bedroom window already showing an orange and pink glow of the sunset.

‘I don’t know. All his text said was late. It will be fine. I gotta go, Sera.’

‘You don’t have to go. Stay and talk to me, Y/N. I’m worried about you.’

You scoffed to yourself and punched in your reply. ‘You don’t have to be worried about me. Nothing to worry about. I need to go, Seraphine. It will all be better once I do.’

‘No, it won’t. Please, don’t go yet ,Y/N.Call Dean and tell him you need him to come home. You shouldn’t be alone right now.’

You shook your head, tears burning and falling quickly down your face. ‘I’m not going to bother him and I’m fine.’

‘You aren’t fine and you need to call him. If you won’t I will. Please, Y/N.’

Your phone slipped from your hand and onto your bed where you left it to swipe at the tears coursing down your face. You were so pathetic, crying like this. You needed to stop and just do what needed to be done. Leaving your phone where it landed you stood up and rounded the side of your bed just as you heard the front door open, Dean rushing in while calling your name.

“Y/N! Hey babe, Charlie called me and said that you needed me to come home right away. Sweetheart, what’s going on?” The love and concern poured off of Dean in waves and you were overcome with despair, shame, and fear. A great heart wrenching sob leaving your body as you launched yourself into his chest, his arms wrapping around you as your body convulsed with cries.

“Whoa sweetheart, what’s going on? Come on, kid. Talk to me.” Dean held you tight to him and you just cried, not a single word could be released with how hard you were sobbing. He moved the two of you till he could sit on the end of the bed, pulling you sideways into his lap, rubbing his hand in circles over your back and telling you how much he loved you. “Talk to me, Y/N. Please tell me what happened?”

Through your tears your drew in a few deep breaths, you lips quivering as you shakingly responded. “I’m scared. I’m so scared and I-I don’t know what to do.” More sobs erupted at your confession and Dean squeezed you in reassurance.

“Charlie said you were planning to kill yourself. Where you? Please tell me she was wrong about that. I can’t lose you. Not like that.” Dean’s voice broke as he spoke, his own grief over his wife being in so much pain spilling ovel.

“I’m so scared because I want to Dean, so bad. I want everything to just stop. Make it stop, Dean. Make it stop.”

Dean pressed his lips to your head before moving his hand to your cheek and bringing your face up to look at him. “Tell me what to do to make it stop and I will. Tell me what you need and I’ll do it. Right here, right now.”

You shook your head, tears streaming down your face as you confessed, “I don’t know.”

“It’s okay. I’ll figure it out. Maybe we should call your doctor and tell him what’s going on. He should be able to help.” Dean reached for your phone knowing the number to your doctor was inside along with the emergency contact number for moments like this.

“No, Dean. Please, don’t call him. Not right now. I can’t. Please, just hold me. I need you to hold me and make it stop.” you turned yourself in his arms till you could wrap yourself completely around him, sobbing into his shoulder and releasing all the hurt you’d let consume you the last couple of weeks.

He held you to him, reminding you that he was there, and he wasn’t going to leave you. When you finally started to calm he leaned back and looked into your reddened eyes. “Sweetheart, we need to get you help. I love you but you need to talk to your doctor.”

You shook your head in protest. “No, I’ll be fine, Dean. Really it’s fine.”

“Y/N, that’s not fine. The phone call from Charlie telling me my wife was making posts online, talking to people about needing to go do something and everything would be better after. That’s not fine. You are not fine but you can fight this. We can fight this. Please babe, let me help you fight this. Let me call your doctor.” Dean’s olive orbs pleaded with you and you leaned around him to grab your phone.

“Help me?” A shuddered breath fell from your lips and Dean kissed your forehead before nodding.

He scrolled through your contacts and made the call to get you help.

12 weeks later

Bipolar 2, finally your doctor had listened and you had the right diagnoses. It was scary, the scariest thing a doctor had probably ever said to you and Dean stood by you the entire time. Not once thinking to walk away from you or to let you stop fighting. The medication you were on was changed and with it your activities at home. The amount of time you spent online went down considerably and you’d managed to apologize for your behavior towards Charlie at the time.

You’d told Seraphine thank you, having connected the dots that she had been the one to contact Charlie, who in turn called Dean. Together they had all saved you from yourself and now you were on the road to being a healthy version of yourself. No amount of thank yous were enough but you tried at least once a day, to return some of their kindness back into the world. Because being sick isn’t an excuse but it is a reality and with these people on your side as well as proper medical treatment, your reality was looking a whole lot better.

Tagging let me know if you want off the ride: @aprofoundbondwithdean @brooklyn-writes-flangst @duckzorz @gizmospacerocket @kayteonline @jotink78 @manawhaat @maxremixed @mrsjohnsmith @mrswhozeewhatsis  @oriona75 @rizlow1 @littlegreenplasticsoldier @harley-kitty-queen @callmesweetheartifyoumeanit @lady-of-the-bunker @tardis-is-mine @nichelle-my-belle @superromijn @sis-tafics @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @mysupernaturalfics @nerdflash @waywardjoy @superisatomboyuniverse @cici0507 @beatlesobsessionlove @chelsea072498 @loveitsallineed @love-me-some-pie21 @atc74 @for-the-love-of-dean @impala-dreamer @percywinchester27 @i-dont-understand-whats-going-on @bitch-jerk-assbutt-xo @therosecolouredpost @dorky-and-i-know-it @supernatural-jackles @iwantthedean @gemini75seeyore @babypieandwhiskey @milkymilky-cocopuff @mrsbarry-allen-1031 @letsdisneythings @winchesterenthusiast @femmedplume