#i think i did myself a disservice by thinking i was soooo in love that i didn’t want to forget any details lmao

[8rujaa]

to anyone dealing with ptsd, has there been anything that has helped relieve some of the symptoms?

[astronomeys]

This is simply whining bc I love to whine

? Completely unnecessary comments from my classmates about my presentation. I warned the class that it was boring because there are no images/videos and there is a LOT of text and I skipped over a lot of it and I spoke quick and monotonous to get it over with. So

1. a couple people thought the right thing to do was downright LIE and say they thought it was soooo appealing. girl it’s fucking mountains of words on a quirky but altogether boring template with absolutely 0 pictures except to display a math packet answer key. That is not visually appealing and you’re doing both of us a disservice by lying about it. That or you need to, like, seriously upgrade your standards and never create something like that for your students. And

2. one of those girls started her comments/questions by going “I’ve heard enough of your self-deprecation during presentations to know that (blahblah idc something refuting my comments abt the ppt being boring)“ and it’s just like ?? ok?? thanks for pointing out that I notoriously have low self-esteem? she kept prattling on after that about the activity I made or something idrk I think she was complimenting it but I don’t care about her and she annoys me even tho I have some pity for her so I walked away from my computer the second I didn’t have to actively answer any questions about it which was nearly immediately, so I didn’t hear 90% of what she said.

Such an annoying person like please just shut up ma’am. She’s like a female mansplainer it’s so annoying. She tried explaining my financial situation to me in 2019 while ignoring everything I was saying and I have hated her since. Actually I think I already disliked her before that + I had really bad baby fever back then and she was pregnant. And then she had the baby and is pregnant again so all she fuckin does is talk about being a mom and I’m like wowee this conversation that you are having with 2 other women in this class and forcing the rest of us to remain in class to listen to sure is inclusive and interesting and not at all something you should just fucking make a mom club at the school for.

Just annoying. Like yeah ok the self-deprecation is unnecessary that’s a fair point, but maybe just... dm that to me instead of saying it so rudely in front of the whole class? Or just say “I know you thought it wasn’t great but [blah]” like how tf are you gonna start that with “I’ve heard enough” I literally just wrote “sorry” in the chat and fucked off like okay thanks I guess.

While I’m whining lemme just loop back to the moms only talking about kids thing. Because my cousin does the same exact fucking thing, all she does is send everyone snaps and messages about her daughter and I’m like oooooooommmmmmmggggggggg stoppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp stop it. Stop. For real stop it. Stoppp stop it. Stop! Talk about something else for a microsecond! Puhlease! Or I’m going to stop reaching out or responding! I am pretty sure that’s a callous social faux-pas to even think or say let alone act upon because moms are frequently socially isolated, but it is not my responsibility to make sure she has a good social support network full of people who are willing and able (mentally and physically) to continually make a child the crux of the relationship. And I’m not going to force myself to engage in conversation with someone who has nothing reciprocal to bring to a conversation. Like, you did not dissolve as a human, you still have 21 years of history to you and future aspirations and all that. You DO NOT have to make EVERY conversation about your child. I’m sorry, I just don’t care that your kid pissed in a plastic toilet, or that she cries at night sometimes, or whatever.

There is nothing for me personally to talk about there, I am a single woman with fertility difficulties who is not seeking a relationship and doesn’t want kids for at least 9-10 more years. It would be a completely one-sided conversation about... a kid growing up. I love that that is amazing for you and other people in your tight social circle but it’s not for everyone and I think it’s a ridiculous social requirement to trap people in this guilt thing where if they don’t sit there and obsess over the child with you, they’re being a child-hating, unempathetic, frigid bitch. Like, I’m quite litchrally a teacher in training, all I do all day is talk about child development and dedicate my entire life to making children’s lives richer with knowledge, problem-solving, and confidence. I’m not a frigid bitch. I just don’t think it’s fair that anyone who talks to a mother is like expected to continually want to talk about their kids. It’s lame asf. We don’t tell people they HAVE to entertain a conversation with someone whose life is consumed by their hobbies or studies or problems, so why to we have this expectation for convos with moms?? Wack

I’m just rambling now but I’m done I’m good I’m chillin now thanks 4 joining

[catradoraism]

what was the star wars three hour spiel about? what were/are your thoughts? I'm curious

anon,,,, thank u for indulging me. i will never have children but take my firstborn. anyway gonna start by saying i wouldn’t be caught dead admitting that i like star wars,,, irl at least. that garbage is for losers. that being said let’s talk about why i hate this garbage (full disclosure i do love star wars but man do i have a lot of problems w it)

the writing is shitty and inconsistent. (due to the fact that the movies were literally passed around to different directors like a ball on a sports team) with good writing i honestly think the sequel trilogy could’ve surpassed the original one bc the potential was there!! ffs

honestly the sw writers don’t know how to do anything but waste potential

not to expose myself as a (former, i stress. Former. i hate them now) r*ylo but their arc was awful. with proper writing we rly could’ve had it all,,,,,, i was rooting for them to end up together w a healthy dynamic but that <3 didn’t <3 work <3 out . which is a shame bc the actors had a lot of chemistry

rey is a palpatine. disgusting. absolutely did not have the WOAH plot twist!!1!1!1 effect the writers were clearly going for. she should’ve stayed a nameless orphan that would’ve been much better but no. everyone has to be tied to the space kardashians somehow

kylos “redemption” arc. kill it. like all of it. kill it <3

probably my BIGGEST issue with star wars. the absolute disservice they did to finn (yeah not even kylos shitty redemption). arguably the best and most compelling character of the new trilogy and they basically just made him an accessory to rey. WHAT THE FUCK!!! he’s literally a Former Stormtrooper who defected bc he hated the cruelty of the new order. the sith? i don’t know i forgot the name. oh wow he’s like adora. anyway his arc HAD THE POTENTIAL. he was also a type of sw character we’ve never seen before. before finn, we always saw stormtroopers as mindless soldiers who were pure evil but here’s one who was actually complex and wow the writers managed to mess that up too. anyway finn should’ve been the protagonist haha and i’m saying that as a huge rey fan but his arc was more compelling

ok for the. less salty part of my spiel lmfao. i love anakin a lot. i just love the fallen hero trope so much and to me the best part about anakins arc is that he’s essentially the exact same person when he switches sides. the one consistent thing about him was that he would do anything for love and that’s what made him good but ultimately made him turn to the dark side. it’s just. such a great arc. i truly think the prequels are underrated but the script is soooo cringey i get why. again. wasted potential here

anyway haha don’t watch star wars. stream the mandalorian instead <3 u get to see baby yoda. it’s also better written. also haha reylos don’t attack me i don’t want star wars discourse today dhfbfbtghfj

[pryceonpurpose]

Rare:

How rare is it for us as humans to exist, to walk the earth?

How rare is it that you exist?

We’re all different and have something that sets us apart from another. Yet we keep comparing ourselves to others and their circumstances. People will set bars soooo high for themselves, don’t meet it, then crush themselves for it.

I used to do this and still have minor moments of it. I catch it now though and I’m aware of it. Lol, I chuckle a bit ...when I worked my 9-5, I would stay up late the night before but tell myself I had to get up at 5am to have a productive day, then I’d wake up late from not getting enough sleep, then be late to work and then beat myself up for it, mentally. This took a toll on me. Emotionally. I felt defeated.

Once I realized the disservice I was doing to myself I stopped immediately. I started to be kinder to myself. Spoke to myself differently. Prepared and conquered. Now, I get up early without an alarm. 1, because I quit my job ...had to realize although I loved what I did, I didn’t love it as much as I love what I do now, and 2, I have self defined purpose. I give myself a reason to get up in the morning and to have a successful day.. there are things I need to do for me.

Do you ever think about what you need to have a successful morning? What do you need to have or do to wake up happy?

You’re rare, the only person that knows what you need is you.

[fortunatelylori]

I think one of the reasons some people hate Sansa is that she represents real people, women mostly, during the medieval times. Even now. People won’t be so annoyed with her or call her useless if this was just a period drama. But they added the fantasy side, with dragons and assassins. Along with women that possesses these. Why couldn’t Sansa do the same? Sansa is the reason why I watched GoT in the first place. I saw myself in her. I don’t have dragons or fighting skills, I only have my mind

Hey, nonnie!

I saw myself in her. I don’t have dragons or fighting skills, I only have my mind

This right here is the reason why I love and identify with Sansa, as well. I’ve never been a fighter. Dragons don’t exist. I’ve always been feminine and proud of it. And I was encouraged from a young age to use my brain to get out of problems. Seeing a character like that on screen is interesting for me because it feels realistic and her slow burn arc makes me feel like I can actually see her developing as opposed to having been granted the fantasy equivalent of super powers over night. 

I thought it might be interesting if I actually talked a little bit about the reasons why I feel Sansa is such a divisive character within the fandom as well as one that is, frankly, overlooked by most of the GA, despite her growing importance to the plot. Because while some of the reasons can be dismissed rather easily, at least one of them is an issue of execution (particularly within the show). 

The issue of femininity, agency and use of sexuality

I’ve grouped all of these together because the root cause for them is the same: Patriarchy, which in turn encompasses such wonderful things like misogyny and victim blaming. 

Sansa’s femininity will always be used against her not only because feminine qualities are seen as lesser than masculine qualities (which is why characters like Arya and Brienne get the stamp of approval from misogynists everywhere) but also because she doesn’t “use them properly”. By that I mean that she’s a beautiful girl who does not weaponize her sexuality and, also, doesn’t put out. And within a patriarchal mind-set that’s the ultimate crime. And that’s further exacerbated by her foil Maergery, whose sexuality is her greatest asset and weapon, as well as by D*ny and her use of sexuality in order to flip the tables on Drogo. 

Sansa doesn’t do that. Instead, she goes as far as to dare to withhold her sexual favors and affections from fan favorite Tyrion which enrages the truly vile of this fandom. How dare she? Doesn’t she know that if she wants to be a feminine girl, she is obligated to give her body away to the men lusting after her? Why is she so stupid? Look how Maergery is playing the game and has Joffrey under her thumb! That Sansa, she’s soooo useless! I mean, we’ve been watching this show for 7 seasons and we have yet to see Sophie Turner’s boobs! The outrage!

This argument can go die in a ditch. I actually love that Sansa has retained autonomy over her body and has refused to use it in order to get out of problems. I’m genuinely tired of seeing “smart” or “important” female characters depicted solely as either women with masculine pursuits or “enchantresses”. I want to have a cerebral female character who uses her brain to win over or defeat her foes and Sansa Stark is developing in exactly such a character. And I love it!

She’s one of only main characters who isn’t magical

You’ve touched on this in your ask and while I agree that, in many ways, Sansa is meant to represent the reality of medieval women stuck in a system that was working against them at every turn, I do think GRRM did Sansa a disservice by eliminating all connection to magic from her arc. 

That’s because all of the remaining Starks are magical to a degree. Bran, of course, is the one with the most magical abilities in the family (and probably in the whole series). However, Jon is pretty magical as well. Not only is he a warg through his connection with Ghost, he is now resurrected as well as the blood of the dragon which makes him, in part, the product of magic. Arya, for her part, is not only a warg but also possesses magical abilities through her Faceless Men arc. 

Sansa’s connection with magic was severed irrevocably when Lady was killed and even prior to that, we never see that warg bond with her. In that sense, she’s the plain Jane of the family and thus seen as less important or special. Which coupled with her lack of fighting skills as well as her prolonged victim arc, makes her seem inconsequential and disposable. This is unfair, of course, because in every other respect, she’s a wonderfully developed character (particularly in the books) but this is a fantasy series. I think GRRM should have retained some sort of magical qualities for her. 

Tyrion, among the mains, is probably her closest analog because he’s not magical either. However, GRRM has imbued him with almost super-human intelligence (an aspect of his character that his fans blow out of proportion even further). Despite that, however, there is still a tendency to try to make him magical in some way to justify his importance, hence the theory of Tyrion as the 3rd head of the dragon. 

She feels like an outdated character

I say “feels” because she isn’t really but the “princess in the tower”/”damsel in distress” archetype that Sansa most resembles has, by and large, fallen out of favor with modern audiences. 

They used to be all the rage and writers always had such a female character. Sansa, in a sense, shares literary references with Ivanhoe’s Rebecca or Robin Hood’s Maid Marion. Personally I love those characters but the archetype has been used a lot in the past and almost never done right. It’s become a prop in a classical hero’s journey type plot, instead of a character in its own right and Sansa, on the surface, feels very much like that type of character. 

Of course, GRRM has really utilized that archetype in the best way possible and instead of making Sansa a prop, he’s exposed us to the reality of the pretty damsel stuck in a tower, to her drama and her tragedy, to her fight for survival and eventual escape. 

But people, by and large, have decided to hate the archetype instead of demanding better stories based on it and because of that, they simply bristle at its mere existence. 

The issue of Sansa’s POV in the show

This is, honestly, the reason that pains me the most and it’s really a combination of how the show has chosen to portray Sansa and well as the fact that the show is now further along than the books. 

This is one reason where I can’t really place the blame on the audience, particularly the general audience. 

For a very long time, I wondered why people weren’t really paying that much attention to Sansa in the show. And I don’t mean youtubers or people on reddit etc. I’m talking about normal people watching this show. I have a lot of friends that watch GOT and love it. They’re definitely not involved in the fandom nor are they specifically fans of one character in the show. They simply love the story and find it entertaining. 

We’ve had conversations about GOT from time to time and they’ve never mentioned Sansa once. They don’t hate her, btw. They simply don’t think about her very much or consider her important within the context of the story. 

And I believe the reason for this is because Sansa started out as a pawn in the Game of Thrones, an arc that lasted for 4 seasons. That’s a long time for a character to have limited to no agency and also enact change in the plot solely through the machinations of other characters. 

However, it’s not an issue that can’t be overcome particularly since Sansa has an ascending arc where she goes from pawn to player. The beginning of her “player” arc is marked by her descending the steps of the Eeryie dressed in her Littlefinger dress. Unfortunately, this is also the moment that marks the creators’ choice of cutting the audience out of Sansa’s POV for long stretches of time. 

Since season 5, they’ve played a hide and seek game with Sansa where we get glimmers of her POV for a short time (her marriage to Ramsay, her reunion with Jon) only to be cut out as quickly as possible in order for the writers to play up the Dark Sansa red herring. 

I believe this reluctance to make Sansa understandable and transparent to the audience is affecting the way the general audience views her. In order to get a handle on Sansa’s character from season 5 onward, you need to watch the seasons a couple of times, think about her character in depth, read some metas as well as be predisposed to like her to begin with. Honestly, that’s too much to expect from a general audience who simply don’t engage with this show as in depth as we do. 

As such the character of Sansa has become, I believe, to most of the GA a mystery wrapped up in a riddle, where questions are raised but never answered, where looks and gestures are left unexplained. The GA is not going to do heavy lifting to get to know this character so they’re simply going to ignore her and focus on the dragons instead. 

This is a huge disservice to Sansa, in my opinion. Because she’s increasingly important to the plot but I doubt season 8 is going to make the GA get to know her enough to root for her. I fear that the fate of show Sansa is to be the Ginny of Game of Thrones. People are just going to be utterly confused how this character that the creators never gave them much reason to care about ends up married to Jon Snow and becomes queen. 

And that, I have to say, makes me very sad. :(

Thanks for the ask! 

[rorykillmore]

so i have an extraordinary number of friends with march/april birthdays, and now that it’s technically the 26th, it’s @tailsthesales!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIZ!!! they asked me to write a little leon/laura thing for our panfandom site soooo i gave it a shot! luv that alliteration they have goin’ on,

but first, to get mushy for a second... giz, i know you deal with a lot. you’re not one to complain very much or put it on other people but.... i know you do and i also know that you work so hard to stay strong and positive and kind for your friends and i love that SO MUCH about you. thank you so so much especially for everything you’ve helped me with staff-wise on denny lately and just, in general, for making my life a little brighter and better. i hope you have a wonderful birthday because you deserve the WORLD <3 <3 <3

anyway now enjoy leon and laura laughing alone with salad(tm) at the gala event 

What is it with her and nice guys?

Okay, not ‘nice’ -- genuine, kind, decent fucking human beings. They make Laura feel so empty in comparison.

In life, Laura had never considered herself a self-conscious person.

In death, she’s sheer, walking defiance. Mad Sweeney cracks his seventieth dead wife joke, and she doesn’t give a fuck. Random passersby stare to her pale, discolored face half-masked by the usual giant pair of sunglasses she wears, and she doesn’t give a fuck.

As a rule: she generally does not give a fuck. It’s one of the best things about being dead.

It’s one of the things she doesn’t miss feeling.

But there’s something about getting glammed up to go to a high-end political gala that’ll smack the self-consciousness right back into a gal.

No amount of washing, it turns out, will give her hair back the natural sheen and bounce it had when she was alive, and no amount of make-up is going to convincingly return the glow to her skin. Laura guesses she was pretty, once. It had never been very high on her list of concerns, mostly because Shadow would have looked at her like she was the most beautiful woman in the world even on a terrible day.

Tonight, she’s just trying for presentable. But Leon beams at her when she actually shows up anyway, kind of like Shadow might have, and she’s not sure if it makes her feel better or worse.

“Hey,” she says when she’s close enough to greet him, feeling a bit silly as she wonders if that was somehow too informal.

“Hey, Laura,” Leon returns amicably. “You look great.”

Laura raises her eyebrows at him, in a ‘come on, you can say it’ kind of way, but as per usual, Leon seems nothing if not sincere. She decides not to ruin his mood by griping, even if she can’t understand how someone who’s been through everything he has can look at a dead woman and feel anything but uneasy at best.  “Thanks. You too.”

It’s not a lie on her part: Leon cleans up nice. It’s a little jarring to see him in something other than casual attire, but his clean, pressed black suit makes him look a little less weighed down, somehow.

Or maybe it’s just the vibe of this place. Laura can already tell from out here that the gala is thrumming with a kind of excitable energy that even she can kind of feel. She guesses most rifters haven’t had anything quite like this to look forward to in a long time.

“Shall we?” she asks Leon, only a little sardonically.  He offers her his arm and she rolls his eyes and takes it carefully, quietly grateful that it’s not skin to skin contact.

“You’re taller in heels.” Leon notes, catching Laura off guard by teasing her.

“Shut up.”

The banter settles her nerves a little, and they head inside. Everything’s a little too bright, or at least it feels that way to Laura, fresh out of the night and down her usual pair of shades. Maybe ‘zombie’ has been missing the mark, this whole time. Maybe she should’ve been making vampire jokes this whole time. 

“You okay?” Leon asks her, and Laura tries not to feel taken aback at how quickly he notices her discomfort.

“My eyes are a little sensitive, that’s all. You know I don’t even really see in color anymore?”

“That’s probably lucky, in this particular situation.” In mild amusement, Leon watches some kid strut past, and even Laura can tell that his suit’s the gaudiest fucking thing she’s ever seen.

Wait --

“Let’s go this way,” she says suddenly to Leon, tugging his arm perhaps a little harder than she meant to and unbalancing him as she jerks them both out of the Technical Boy’s eye line.

“Hey --” It takes Leon a moment to find his footing. He glances over his shoulder. “Who was that?”

“No one important,” Laura says, knowing it’s technically a lie but also that it isn’t, because that particular God is not particularly important to her. “Just one of those awkward ‘I don’t want to run into anyone I know’ situations.”

“Why was he dressed like that?”

“I ask myself that question every time I see him.”

Leon chuckles, and Laura manages to smile a little despite her slightly frazzled state. “What about you?” she continues.  “As an... official member of the MLD, you’re probably expected to do some socializing, or something. Right?”

Leon glances at her, slightly pained. 

“Shitty co-workers?” Laura prompts, and is a little pleased to hear him laugh again.

“I just don’t know them that well,” he tells her gingerly. “Except for the chief -- Felix? He’s actually pretty decent.”

“Surprising, for a police chief.”  Idly, Laura scans the room as if she thinks she might be able to pick Felix out on sight, even though she’s never met him before. “Well... if you don’t want to introduce me, what do you want to do?”

He looks pensive for a second.  “We could get some drinks?” Then he nearly stammers over his own words, giving her an apologetic double-take.  “-- Sorry. I forgot.”

“You forgot?” Laura needles him, though it’s entirely playful. Somehow, some of her earlier self-consciousness has ebbed away without her noticing. “It’s fine, Leon. I don’t care if you wanna get a drink -- you’ll probably need it.”

But Leon is shaking his head, and his expression is different now in a way that Laura can’t quite read.  “...Or... we could dance?”

Laura stares at him, deadpan.

“Is that a no?” Leon asks, smiling easily, and Laura knows that if she did say no he wouldn’t push her. But that doesn’t make her feel any less like she’s starting to put a damper on his night. 

“No. I mean, yes. I mean --”  She huffs a little, or at least goes through the motions, since she doesn’t technically breathe anymore.  “Nevermind. What kind of asshole comes to a thing like this and says they don’t want to dance? Let’s go.”  

She leaves his side to stalk out onto the dance floor, praying that whatever universal karma is almost definitely working against her at this point doesn’t prompt the DJ to start playing Thriller, or something. Leon follows a little more slowly, and looking back at him, Laura suddenly wonders if he hadn’t expected her to say yes. The slight uncertainty in his posture makes her feel a little better about her own nerves, at least. She doesn’t think she’s done this since her’s and Shadow’s wedding, and even then, she wasn’t stellar at it.

“So...” Leon begins as they come to a standstill.  Laura can’t bear the thought of them awkwardly sizing each other up any longer, so she reaches up to put her hand on his shoulder, and uses her other to take one of his. She knows she must be cold to the touch, as she always is, but to Leon’s credit he doesn’t flinch. 

“You lead,” she tells him. “‘Cause I will definitely fuck us up.”

Leon carefully settles his other hand on her waist, and Laura only thinks about the fact that there won’t be any pulse for him to feel for a second. She’s more preoccupied with trying to remember how to slow dance without looking like an idiot.

Not that anyone said that this was supposed to be romantic, but it’s so entirely the opposite as they both try to find their footing that she kind of wants to laugh. Which, in a weird sort of way, makes her feel a little better. Soon, they settle into an easy, swaying rhythm with the music, and -- sure, maybe it’s not the total, cheesy, embarrassing nightmare she might have imagined it as.

It’s almost kind of nice. And because she can’t let herself have nice things for too long, Laura starts to circle back around to feeling guilty again.

What is it with her and nice guys?

Okay, not ‘nice’ -- genuine, kind, decent fucking human beings. They make Laura feel so empty in comparison.

But then again, pretending that Leon isn’t capable of being a reasonably aware judge of character after all he’s been through is probably doing a disservice to her. And telling herself that nothing has changed - that nothing will ever change - since she was alive won’t get her anywhere.  

And Laura’s not sure where it is she wants to be... but she doesn’t want to be standing still.

Neither does Leon, she thinks. That’s why he’s always pushing forward, why he’s already secured his position in the MLD, why he still wants to help people even though Laura knows he’s probably met too many people who were beyond helping to count.

It’s not like Laura wants to be his charity case, or anything, but she’s not so sure she likes the idea of being beyond help either. So maybe they can help each other.

If only for tonight. If only a little, in passing moments like this one.

[tetrisfinished]

i'm really sad

one of my friends sent us this link in our group chat.

https://www.tiktok.com/@sanaakhand/video/7083133978781224238?_r=1&_t=8RGXzQL2Jvh&social_sharing=v3

and our opinions on this are soooo different!

today, i just want to spill what i'm feeling so i won't disclaim anything. think what you will about me.

one of them mentioned that she'd be so sad if her partner were to suggest that they separate. and the other was of the same school of thought more or less. they mentioned things like "beauty of marriage from sharing everything with a partner" while of course still maintaining your space and hobbies and interests.

you know the thing i'm sad about is....i don't think i have cultivated a relationship with yasir where (in all honesty) i would be sad if we did this. if we separated but stayed married.

i think yasir is my soulmate, i think he's the only person who could have tolerated me the way that i am. no one else is built with this much patience (that is my opinion on my husband....and it's probably one of his most important and excellent quality).

but i don't think that i truly need him to be happy. and there's a major fear in my heart as i write this because what if that's only the way i feel because i DEEPLY take him for granted.

what if something were to happen GOD FORBID and i would realize that actually i am the asshole who took my partner for granted.

maybe i do need him to be happy. maybe i'm an asshole and i've ruined our marriage so far. and still my husband sticks by me. and i just feel super shitty right now because i don't think i'm a good person.

i think i've spent 5 years of my marriage belittling my husband in my head and i just need to stop. i need to stop this because what i've done is a disservice to this man and especially a disservice to myself.

i am crying as i'm writing this...i hope that in this blessed month of ramadan that Allah swt can open my heart. and allow me to let go of the truly unimportant things that i weigh so heavily and allow me to realize and see and understand his love language for me. and allow me to appreciate my spouse before god forbid it's too late.

if anyone is reading this...pray for me to be better.

-k

[thisunpredictablelife]

This is 40...

It's the moment you've all been (not) waiting for.

It's time for my sappy 40th birthday post.  

Where do I even start?!  Can I wish my allergies away?!

Maybe you should just buckle up while I let things get real.  Like really real.There's a reason I've taken almost a year break from blog posts.  My last year would have left you with too much emotional vomit and a back and forth of "am I sad or mad or stressed...or so pissed off I might write an entire blog entry of swear words in ALL CAPS"?!  Good news friends...good news.  My balance has been found once again, and even though sometimes I'm still a crooked mess...life is so so good.  To think I would have made it through 2018 without the incredible people in my life would have been an incredibly false truth.  More importantly, had I not been able to work through certain details of my life without the patience of these amazing people, I would not be celebrating my 40th birthday as excitedly as I am.  Change is hard...and when you were the catalyst for change, it's oftentimes incredibly difficult for those not closest to you to understand why that change was absolutely necessary.  Today I look around my circle...and as I reflect on this last year, my heart can't contain the beauty of things having fallen in place.  Today is more than a birthday.  Today is a moment in my life when I can look back on snippets of time when I did not think everything would be okay...but now know in the depths of my soul everything is absolutely okay.

To the "Secret Angel" that has left boxes of goodies on my porch for the kiddos and I...you were a blessing in days when we needed that surprise and those smiles.

To those of you that reached out last year with incredible words of wisdom and kindness...you are who I need to remind myself to be.  To the unexpected new friends that have chosen to listen and love...you're rockstars and you don't even know it.

To my closest people...you know I love you.

To my parents... My eyes keep getting blurrier and blurrier as I type.  You are my rock...and to try and put my gratefulness into words would be a disservice to my intentions and emotions.  I only wish everyone could have the security you have given us with your love and support.

To Jared Kallio...can I keep you?  

When I ventured into writing this post, my intention was to dig in even more.  However, instead of digging into the past, I must always remember to embrace where I've been, and to have open arms for where I get to go.  Life after 35 seems to move so quickly...and sometimes it's soooo hard to pause, and breathe, and smile.  I'm hoping life after 40 continues to teach me more strength, more grace, and more gratefulness.

I may not have accomplished the strict pull-up or rock hard abs that I originally hoped for on my 40th, but I believe I have accomplished something way more important.   My life since age 23 has been revolved around protecting and molding these amazing children, but will now involve expanding the people that love and care for them.  In several weeks my children will gain a stepmom.  Of the many difficult things a mother will do, having another woman brought into their children's lives requires a grace I may have not yet attained. I'm working on it...but until then, I at least know this...

I have taught my children their home is not broken.  I have showed them how necessary it is to be strong in the face of adversity...and I have showed them it's okay to love even when there's pain.  My hope is that I've taught them healing is a lifelong process, and not something that can be fixed in a day, a month, or even a year...and throughout that journey the tears should not be suppressed and that pain should always be allowed a short visit.  I have showed them the imperfection in myself...and pray that they've accepted it in themselves.  I've allowed them to see each day provides a lesson, and although failure will always find us, we have a choice to learn or give up when it does.  I've showed them it's a beautiful thing to be loved even when it's in the non-traditional way, and having more people...more family...more contributors to their growth might just be a wonderful thing.  

Lastly... I hope I've shown them that everything is okay...and even though the pain has been sharper and the tears greater...it just might be better than it was before.  This song has been heard over and over in my house...but mostly being played as a duet between Sophia on ukulele and Hattie on guitar.  Every time I hear them practicing I turn off my music and beam.  I can't tell you if my obsession with the song is because of them or because it just emits my mood.  Either way, I felt it was perfect.  Please...kick some ass today and do amazing things.  Our potential is so much greater than we allow ourselves to accept.

Here's to having arms open wide...

[insertimaginativenamehere]

tagged by @chancellorxofxtrash

RULES: choose any three fandoms (in random order) and answer the questions. Then tag some friends~

Also gonna cheat at this bc Naritaverse, man. So broad and full of nonsense!

I choose:

Naritaverse (Baccano!, Durarara!!, Etsusa Bridge, Vamp! Hariyama-san doesn’t technically count in the verse but gdi I love it??? so there) Mini Ninjas  Overwatch

The first character you loved: Shizuo bc holy shit. hOLY SHIT. He just means a lot to me ok. From Baccano!, Luck bc hot damn mannnn. And EB, gotta be Hayato Inui bc fuckin trash. For Vamp!, I’d say the Viscount, Gerhardt von Waldstein bc what’s not to love with him? Mini Ninjas - Tora. I played him most in the game originally and bless him he’s adorable. So extra in the game and so endearing in the show. Love him so much. Overwatch - McCree. Bc who doesn’t love a man who dresses as a cowboy for no goddamn reason?

The character you never expected to love so much: I only have one I didn’t expect for Naritaverse I think and that’s Elmer. I liked him as a character sure but I think I’d discarded him kind of in my mind until reading the novels when you realise what a fucking mess he is and I love him so fuckin much. Everyone else I kind of expected to a degree. Oh wait, for DRRR!! SH, Jami. Narita can always get me with those strong af cuties and I told myself this time OFC NOT and seriously before I met him as a character I was like ‘why shd I care about YET ANOTHER insanely strong weirdo’ and then AND THEN it was Jami. Mini Ninjas - okay for the game, honestly Kunoichi because you unlock her at the end and she’s kind of more difficult to use right and she is very much the opposite of me in style but dammit I’m attached she’s one of my kids. For the show, Shoko because she seems just a bratty villain but she’s also deeply unhappy and in a situation that you can’t help feel sorry for her. She’s so cool sometimes too, even if her character design is extra af. Overwatch - Roadhog. Gdi I love Roadhog now.

The character you relate to most: ahahahahah definitely definitely Shizuo from DRRR!! and Yahiro from SH bc they both speak to me, as a person who had anger management and anxiety, which caused me to be kinda violent sometimes when I was younger. Also both come off as autistic, esp Yahiro, and I feel. Kinda Hayato to a degree (using fiction as a sort of escapism to a degree). Honestly, Hiro. He’s a fuckin fool, in the game and the show. He doesn’t get so much time to show it in the game but in the show he’s a jackass and like...same. Weirdly Junkrat. 

The character you’d slap:  Izaya, Huey, everyone from EB but esp Gitarin because I feel like that would be fun not for any real reason, Mirald from Vamp! bc trash, I’d kind of like to slap the Viscount because he’s just a puddle of blood and that would be fuckin stupid Shoko needs a fuckin slap tbh, so does Ashida, and so does Hiro bc oh my god that hellchild I WANT TO SLAP NOBODY OK PPL ARE GOOD i kinda wanna slap reaper back to life but i dont think how that works. possibly sombra too. and maybe widow. ok fine I do want to slap people.

Three favorite characters:  Shizuo, Elmer, Hayato Tora, Suzume, Hiro Junkrat, Lucio, Reinhardt A character you liked at first but not so much anymore: uhhhhhh none? Like...I like everyone as much as I ever have.  Kunoichi was done a fuckin disservice in the show yes she was adorable but then also FFS Again, none here. I like everyone to the degree I always have.

A character you did not like at first, but they’ve grown on you: Ferret von Waldstein irked me to start with but she grew on me a lot Kunoichi. I didn’t like her because she’s very feminine in the game and I just didn’t connect with that. But yeah I’m attached. Also her in the show being a tiny little child idk I don’t rly like that choice but she’s adorable Roadhog. So fond of Roadhog now.

3 OTPs: Debt Collector trio (or just Shizutom too), Kuon/Yahiro, Izaya and fucking off pls, Mask Maker trio (also just generally Huey/Elmer and Huey/Monica), Mirald/Dorrikey, Tsukumoya/Hackey (idgaf if they’ve met I lvoe them) sssssh ok Tora/Shun (been trash since I played the game), Hiro/Suzume in the game but also Hiro/Aika in the show and kinda Hiro/Shoko bc SHRUGGING Hiro is a player apparently kinda fond of Reinhardt/Ana but that’s just a guilty pleasure honestly, Tracer/Emily bc canon cutes and yessss and uh tbh I can roll w most ships for it SOOOO TAGGING uh @intenseglaring @sighdonia @martymcsigh @xdomino009x @muchymozzarella @silkreverie