#i’ve been physically better which i am so grateful for because being unhealthy was my biggest reason i was so depressed

[8rujaa]

to anyone dealing with ptsd, has there been anything that has helped relieve some of the symptoms?

[dinamakan]

WNRS Pt. 3

Hi! I’m doing another WNRS session and here are some questions from self-love deck.

3. What did I learn about myself this week? I’ve learned that I can commit to the small things. I love seeing people who can commit to their habits or whatever they’ve started, hence I wanted to be one of them.

5. When was the last time I pleasantly surprised myself? Explain. On the first day, I had to watch EEAAO alone due to its showtime and it wasn’t a genre I usually prioritized. But it turned out to be one of the best cinematic experiences I’ve had, so I guess I surprised myself at that time.

8. How have I been underselling myself, perhaps unintentionally? I don’t always feel confident with my skills, thus I sometimes bill some clients at quite low rates.

9. What was the most genuine thank you I’ve received recently? What was it for? [Disclaimer: credit goes to a friend of mine] Today someone thanked me for my existence— she said that I taught her how to imply the joy of missing out (perhaps I taught her inadvertently). She also said that I’m very respectful of others time and energy, and I’ve shown her that being social doesn’t need to be intense (yes I’m always trying). Oh, this year I received tons of words of affirmation, way more than previous years. Merci beaucoup.

10. When was the last time I earned my own trust? How did I earn it? Won’t spill the exact time but I’d say... the moment when I truly achieved my goals. How? It’s a long story.

11. Who inspires me to become a better version of myself? How do they inspire me? I’m too shy to mention her name. She’s an instructor for a sport and regularly shares information about mindful eating. I found her on Instagram.

12. Wildcard: Write out an affirmation you need to hear most in this current moment. Repeat it everyday this week. [Disclaimer: I don’t want anyone to say the same things because then I’ll feel awkward] You’ll achieve anything you want as soon as possible. You’re able to do it all.

13. What do I want to learn more about in this chapter in my life? (Take time this week to explore this topic.) 1) Diving deeper into architecture, interior design, drawing, 3D modelling and creative coding, 2) ‘Secret strategies’ for a better life, 3) Writing flash fiction, 4) ...and many more.

19. Fill in the blank: Sometimes I forget how good I am at ___concepting___.

22. What is my favorite thing about the age I am today? I don’t know, I literally just stepped into my current age. Wish me luck.

31. Do I have a clear picture of who I want to be this time next year? What’s one small step I can towards becoming that person? Yes, I have and it’s crystal clear. Current step in front of my eyes: finishing the first thing on my to-do list.

33. What feedback forced me to grow recently, even if it was hard to hear in the moment? Someone told me that stressors are inevitable, as everyone has issues. Now it’s just how to deal with it all.

37. When was the last time I shared my truth, even though it felt risky? Last Wednesday when I had a meeting with someone.

40. How have I neglected myself recently? What’s one small way I can make it up to myself today? I avoided a problem which wasn’t a big deal but I knew it’d be a ‘snowball’ one day. Thanks for the question, it’s time to break the snowball.

41. What would I never want to change about myself? (Be specific!) Although the logic of this theory isn’t perfect, I’ll always believe in the law of attraction. That’s how I survive through ups and downs.

42. Wildcard: What are three things I’m most grateful for in this present moment? Write them out. 1) I haven’t cried all day which is a rare moment. Believe it or not, Cancerians usually cry on their birthday. 2) My birthday coincides with Eid al-Adha. 3) Today I was reminded that I do have nice pals and a decent life.

48. What’s the biggest improvement I’ve seen in myself this past year? I’ve gotten rid of unhealthy attachments.

49. What compliment do I hear most that isn’t about my physical appearance? Some people told me that I’m good at writing (not designing, unfortunately). Hopefully in the near future I’ll get the proper recognition in design.

50. How has my confidence increased with age? It seems that as I get older, my confidence level decreases. Scio me nihil scire.

[vivithefolle]

What are your favourite fanfic tropes/aus for romione?

(I’m gonna try to make my way through old asks I received AGES ago and never answered because I’m a procrastinating lump. Here’s betting I’m going to give up and play videogames all day instead.)

Oh my god, so many.

Okay so as a rule of thumb as long as it’s nice to Ron I’ll read it. I’ll read anything. I have been known to read Ron/Draco and even sacrificed my dignity and everything I stand for as a human being by reading some Ron/Snape stuff. Yes. I was THAT desperate. This is how low I’m willing to go because of sheer love for Ron.

Which means that when a fic will go ���oh poor Hermione, poor Hermione who is waiting for Ron to grow up because She can see one day he could be worth it but for now he’s all dumb-dumb and inferior and doesn’t deserve Her perfection :(”, I will be judging. Judging very hard. I may not leave a comment but rest assured, my thoughts are loud enough for me. This is 2010s mentality. This is “haha I’m so like Hermione, not like other girls who throw themselves at boys, I’m so special and girl powery :)” Horribly Bad Feminism. Fuck that. We’re doing better now.

Speaking of doing better. Recently I read something about how Ron is, paraphrased, “the brute of the Trio”, spun in a positive way since he uses his strength to protect them but, but, still... please no? Just no! Just eff no with these takes about how Ron is a hypermasculine dudebro M For Manly™! No, no, fucking no! Just because he’s the Sulfur to Hermione’s Mercury and Sulfur represents the masculine component to Mercury’s feminine one, DOESN’T MEAN Ron is “the brute”! (”the” brute... seriously... who’s the more brutish one, the one who punches a racist in the face or the one who uses a torture curse as retribution for spitting on his fave teacher?)

The way I see him, Ron is a balance, a blend of feminine and masculine qualities intertwined close together. I LOVE that he can swear like a sailor but can only say “scarlet woman” or “cow” when it comes to insulting a woman. Some will probably see it as “hurr durr he sexist he doesnt think women can take it!!!!!!! >8C” but given that those are probably also the peeps who say “HE CALLE D HERMOANI A NIGHTMURRR!!!!!!! DDDDD8″ I’m gonna venture the idea that we don’t care about those folks’ biased, sexist opinions.

Where was I going with this... oh yes! Ok, so Ron can swear like a sailor yet couldn’t insult a girl to save his life. He’s strong physically but most of all he’s strong mentally (to put up with the way his friends treat him for years speaks a lot of his mental fortitude... and to top it off he comes back for more to boot! I’m not sure if that’s more mental fortitude or straight-up masochism though.) When he succeeds at things he gets a bit attention-whoreish but at the same time, you can see that when he’s being complimented he’s all unsure of himself and blushy and shy and you just, dude you can’t handle positive attention because you don’t know how to react to it I don’t know whether that’s adorable or the saddest thing I’ve seen in my life? He’s insecure but he’s always the first to cheer on Harry and Hermione when they’re doing something great, which speaks VOLUMES of Ron’s selflessness and of his actual character: to quote @peetamaellark​, Ron doesn’t think “Harry is great, therefore he sucks and I hate him”, he thinks “Harry is great, therefore I suck and I hate me”. THIS is Ron. THIS is why Ron will lash out, not because he hates Harry, but because internally he hates himself and you can’t keep that sort of feeling bottled up for too long before... you got it, you explode.

I. Want. More. Fics where Hermione isn’t this ~oh dear~ Victorian damsel in distress who cries and Ron is the Big Strong Man who holds her with one arm and is stony-faced and goes “I’ll protect you”, please no that was old before it existed, let us have nice, realistic depictions of Ron and Hermione please.

Like, Hermione is more than capable of kicking butt herself. She IS absolutely nervous and scared and cries easily and that’s a vulnerability we NEED, but the fact that she can be super scared and crying but still hex her opponent into oblivion? THAT’s good, THAT’s excellent. It’s a very important message for girls, I think. “You can cry, you can be sensitive, you can be emotional, AND you can still kick butt”. And as important as that message is for girls, it’s also a very important message to give boys, because boys are socialized to “never cry” and that’s super unhealthy. I love Ron’s admiration of Hermione. I love the way Ron hesitates, the way he can be cautious when he needs to as much as he can be reckless and impulsive. I love how he shows himself to be a big softie and a sweet soul. I don’t think that makes him an “emasculated doormat” (to quote a guest I once saw on FFN), on the contrary it makes him an even better man in my eyes. You know why I love the locket scene so much? Because Ron’s tears aren’t ridiculed. Ron gets to cry about the terrible ordeal he’s been put through, and while Harry “pretends he can’t see Ron cry” because it’s more comfortable for him personally, he doesn’t try to tell Ron to “man up” or anything. His reassurance is pretty lousy but he lets Ron cry, he lets his friend be upset, and he doesn’t try to invalidate Ron’s pain. (ok, the “I thought you knew” is kiiiiinda on the way there, but it stops at that and I’m grateful for it).

I like. Seeing Ron distressed. I like seeing Ron upset and be allowed to be upset. I like to see Ron’s pain treated with respect. So when Ron is having a shit day I like to see him get a cuddle. I like seeing Ron go through horrible ordeals and break down and for his breakdown to be properly acknowledged and not turned into insensitive comic relief (ISN’T THAT RIGHT, LATTER HALF OF THE SILVER DOE????). I mean seriously, just imagine GOF, Harry sitting in the hospital wing after Cedric’s death, Molly Weasley gives him a hug and it’s all very sad and angsty. And now picture Ginny running into the room screaming “HARRY JAMES POTTER” and punching him over and over and saying “PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER” then after two pages of Harry “explaining” himself to Ginny she goes away saying “aight but if you do that shit again you’ll have to answer to me” then Harry’s friends are like “damn she’s spunky huh?” and Harry laughs and everyone laughs and this is how the book ends? How would it be funny? How would it be appropriate? How would it feel like “romance”? When Ron returns in The Silver Doe, he’s been psychologically tortured (”tortured” is the actual word JKR uses, please), we don’t need him to be hurting outside as well.

I want more accountability for Hermione. More “uh hey Hermione maybe don’t do that”. More “hey Hermione you know you think of yourself as a good person buuuut yeah actually if all good persons were like you I’d be very afraid”. More “Hermione please for the love of God educate yourself”. More “Hermione sweetie I love you, but you can’t actually learn everything from books”. CHARACTER. DEVELOPMENT. PLEASE. Don’t be afraid to punch Hermione down and tear her apart the way the best Ron fics maim and torture our poor boy. Just because Rowling treated Hermione with kiddy princess gloves doesn’t mean you have to mimic her.

So when Hermione does a genuinely shitty thing let her own up to it. When Ron is a victim let him be upset and angry, even if Hermione is the one treating him badly. Just because he loves her doesn’t mean he’s not allowed to be disappointed in her or that she’s entitled to his immediate forgiveness. Give Ron and Hermione equal consideration. If you’re brushing off Hermione’s actions but condemning Ron for the slightest mistake, I am sure to hate it.

Okay, uh, so, those aren’t really tropes. Those are more just, guidelines I presume.

Oh, yeah, a trope that annoys me! Ron saying “you’re mine”, “my Hermione” and stuff, and Hermione just swoons and says “yours” and shiz. Ok, once in a while, why not. Once in a while. BUTT. I WANT HERMIONE TO SAY IT TOO. “Mine”, “my Ron!” and Ron swoons and says “yours, absolutely yours”. DO IT YOU COWARDS. FUCKING TAKE THOSE GENDER ROLES AND PUNCH’EM IN THE FACE.

Oh, right, while we’re on the subject of gender roles! Dad!Ron is everything. SingleParent!Ron is mwaaah. Stay-at-home-Dad!Ron is ALKZLDSJDLQSKLFJ <3. AnimalLover!Ron is HHHHNNNGG. Remember, the small gestures, the tiniest, softest acts Ron does (helping Harry get dressed when his arm is deboned, giving Dobby his brand-new sweater, praising Ginny, Luna and Neville when they escaped Umbridge), those are often those unremarkable, unmistakeably kind and sweet actions that tell us who Ron really is at his core: not a guy who’d want power at all costs, not a guy who’d give it all for ambition, not a guy who sees people as possessions, but someone kind who wants to make others happy.

Ok, I was also asked for AUs, so, uh, pretty much every AU is game as long as Ron gets treated with respect? I mean I don’t really care for Mafia!AUs or such but if you can find a way to fit good Romione then go for it I guess. Royalty AU, yeah why not but I often see Ron being made a prince while Hermione is a poor wee servant girl and like. Uuum, we’re talking about the same characters here? Hermione the highly educated girl who keeps on walking over everyone’s toes and loudly talking about how things should be done and is definitely Nouveau Riche, Ron who is a country boy who lives on a farm and is lost in the constant shuffle of his brothers, you think she should be the peasant and he should be the royal? Whaddafack? Oh, and all the “Hermione is a Muggle, Ron is a wizard” AUs that start this way BUTT! Suddenly... Hermione... turns out... to be (wait for it!)... A WITCH! And a super powerful super talented very good one too!!!... yeah ok, yawn. It’s quite scary, actually, how often I’ve seen that plotline, but in the rare cases when it’s Muggle!Ron and Witch!Hermione, Ron never ever EVER (I mean, seriously, NEVER EVER) turns out to have been a wizard, not even a mediocre one, all along. No, when Ron is made a Muggle for the sake of AU he stays a Muggle. But when Hermione is made a Muggle she has to turn out TO HAVE BEEN A WITCH ALL ALONG OMYGAH. I can count on one hand the number of Mugglemione/Wizardron fics that actually stick to their Mugglemione premise till the end - and usually they’re one-shots. (Also I don’t mean “Ron mistakes Hermione for a Muggle because he meets her in the Muggle world and assumes he must hide his magic from her, oh wait she was actually a witch!” fics, I mean genuinely “Hermione has been raised a Muggle her whole life, never had weird things happen to her her whole life ever, then Ron comes in and is a wizard and he does magic and Hermione wonders what it’d be like to be a witch and oh surprise! Don’t worry Hermione, you won’t have to feel not-special or mundane for long, here comes the plot contrivance to tell you you really were in fact the specialest of them all!!” fics.) Fairytale!AU is cool. Very good. But honestly I like to see them swapped around. Ron cursed by a nasty fae to be a Beast and Hermione stumbling upon him? Neat, especially if you don’t go the boring route of “oh let’s just rehash the Disney/the original book with different names and call it a day”. But Hermione cursed by an asshole fae for, let’s say, not sharing books, turning into a Beast, and Ron stumbling upon her as she’s trying to survive in the woods (and not doing a very good job of it)? Yes, brava, chief’s kiss. Rapunzel AU where Hermione’s bushy hair turns into the most impractical, most suffocating improvised ladder ever for Ron? Hilarious. Rapunzel AU where Ron has A GIANT EFFING PONYTAIL OF THE GODS and is screaming “ow ow ow” as Hermione makes her way up to his window cringing and saying “sorry! sorry! sorry! (damn his hair smells good)” on every step? Equally hilarious. Go! Be creative! Please I beg of you

Creature!fics! Oh my god there’s not enough of those, at least that aren’t focused on a bullshit pairing! Soulmate AUs! Give me everything! I’ll even take A/B/O if you insist on making it Romione! That’s how far I’ve fallen from human decency I’ll take anything just give me some good Ron content please I beg of you (Ah and to those that are going to say “Alpha Ron Omega Hermione :)))” well yes, but actually no. “Beta Ron Beta Hermione”? “Beta Ron Alpha Hermione”? “Omega Ron Alpha Hermione”??? HELL YEAH NOW WE’RE TALKIN)

Oh dear god I’m still not finished and I haven’t gone through everything someone stop me.

AND NOW BE CAREFUL CHILDREN, BELOW WILL BE SMUT.

Okay I don’t know if it qualifies as a trope, but. But. A more realistic depiction of Ron is usually what I’m after. All those fanfics that have Ron be “the sexy experienced one ;)))” ravishing “naive virginal Hermione ;))” is just UGH. We spent all the 2000-2010 period having fics like this, mind adding a bit of EQUALITY to the mix???

It’s just... I hate it okay? So many fics read like they’re just projection, writers who are essentially making Ron their big strong sex toy stud who's so attentive and sweet and cherishing, and so it does indirectly ends up as "servant Ron is so devoted to his goddess Hermione, providing pleasure to her while she doesn’t have to lift a finger”. The Dom!SexGod!Ron thing honestly depresses me... Since it's Ron taking care of Hermione, AGAIN. Like, he spends his WHOLE LIFE doing that already. Can we give him a break for once?

In the endI feel that it's less "Romione smut" and more "self-inserting into Hermione smut". In "real" Romione smut I think Ron and Hermione would switch roles according to what they feel like. And honestly I ALWAYS picture Ron being super nervous during Dom stuff, like he spanks her once then immediately he goes "oh my god are you okay?? did that hurt, do you want to stop?", things like that. I cannot imagine it happening any other way. XD Ron is just... too caring, too sensitive to do stuff like hard BDSM and that kind of thing in my opinion. He’s too much of a caretaker. I understand if it’s your kink and you’re perfectly free to project and write the fic you want, I’m not the fun police, but it’s just... I don’t think that’s really what Ron would be like. I just want MORE realistic Ron.

Also I’m trying really really hard to not point fingers here but WHY is it that it’s always “Ron growled” while it’s always “Hermione whimpered” or “Hermione moaned”? Like... you know it’s okay for a man to moan or whimper in pleasure too, right?  You know Ron isn’t 110% muscles and testosterone? You know Hermione is allowed to be fierce too? Hermione can 100% “growl” and be dominant and pin Ron to the wall and reduce him to a puddle of goo if you’re brave enough?

(Honestly how sexy would Ron think that is? The woman he loves is half his size yet can pin him down and ravish him. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG RON HAS WANTED TO BE RAVISHED AND CHERISHED DO YOU KNOW HE’S BEEN WANTING THIS ALL HIS LIFE)

Oooo-kay, so that’s... mostly it, I reckon. Oh also Ron has a gigantic penisraise kink (and a great penis too, but mostly a praise kink). That’s canon and that’s all.

[lolbatty]

Just a quick blurb about some of the stuff I’ve been feeling and struggling with lately about my slowly ending toxic relationship and other stuff..

So far the worst part for me has been convincing my childhood abandonment trauma brain that it’s OKAY to let this person go... that because of many valid actual damn reasons I witnessed they were not a great person for me to spend time with or put energy into.  They didn’t listen to me when I was speaking, did things for me only out of guilt, refused to introduce me to any of their friends or family, continually minimized my feelings, and lied to me constantly about their intentions for the relationship.

I think one of the more nefarious things about the relationship was that another person was involved that I didn’t know about at the beginning, an ex that they were still super close with.  I was trying so hard to be understanding, so scared that I was just being jealous or overbearing when I felt the fear grip me inside after discovering their relationship.  At one point this person even moved into their house, and I wasn’t allowed to come over anymore because ‘they’d get jealous’.  I believed badly tailored lies to keep me around because I was too scared to let them go, especially during the full-swing of the pandemic when I had no one else to be close to. I really valued this person.  I really wanted to believe that relationships are just complicated and messy and it wasn’t them still being in love with this other person, prioritizing them over me, but every instinct inside of me was screaming and every friend I talked to about it looked at me like I was crazy for trying not to be upset or suspicious.  I ignored my intuition, figuring that I was just overreacting.   Even now that we’ve broken up and are slowly drifting apart this other person is still a big part of their life, while their interactions with me are dwindling to nothing (a good thing obviously, but still painful for that inner child).  I should be happy, but part of me is insanely envious of this connection they have, even a little furious.  It triggers a very primal wound from my earliest years.

When I was growing up (4-11yrs) my I worshiped my Dad but he always had a lot of girlfriends, when I spent time with him in the summers I often had to ‘compete’ with these full grown women for his attention because he prioritized his relationships with them over his relationship with me.  It was heart breaking, and gave me a very unhealthy idea of what was expected of XX bodied people to attract and keep attention.  It also gave me a very DEEP and abiding wound centered around jealousy and envy which is haunting me the most right now with my current healing process.  Old, untouched parts of me are churning beneath the surface of my consciousness, altering my ability to regulate my emotions and think logically about how much better off I am not having this crap in my life.  I am SO PISSED OFF that this other person was -chosen- over me.  And even though I never met them, I always hear this ancient voice inside my head wondering.. what do they have that I don’t?  Why wasn’t I good enough?

It’s not that I want this destructive thing in my life, logically I know I should be singing and fucking dancing, howling at the damn moon because I escaped this invalidating cycle of bread crumbing, lying, gaslighting and back burnering.  I know I deserve better.  I want so badly to have better.  But there is so much pain inside of me from these deep old traumas, and I have a lot of really old scars that need to be re-examined and addressed.  In some ways I am grateful for this horrible experience because of everything I’ve learned about my anxious attachment, childhood trauma, complex PTSD and how it relates to my inability to have normal, healthy relationships. 

But I’m also pretty mad about the last two years of my life being an emotionally damaging experience, in the midst of a pandemic, shortly after the sudden and depressingly tragic death of my alcoholic, narcissistic father.

I’ve changed.  I don’t even remember what it was like to be me before 2018.  I don’t draw anymore.  I don’t post anymore.  Commissions are a struggle.  I miss the days of endless artwork and music and fandoms.. cruising tumblr and getting occasionally yelled at for making semi problematic statements because of my own personal growth.  I often find myself wondering about the artists I used to follow who also disappeared.  Where have they gone?  Are their lives getting better?  Worse?  Are they still with us?  I miss them the way I miss the old version of myself.

The years have not been cruel, but they have not been kind either.  This latest battle has been an eyeopening experience.  At almost 35 years I am just now learning I’ve been operating from these cornerstone hangups as if it were normal, like they were something that would get better or change over time if I ‘found the right person’.  But now I know I never will find the right person, not until I find myself, because I will always push away the people who love me and self sabotage anything good.  It’s too uncomfortable, too unfamiliar.  I wanted to get married one day, start a family and build a future for my loved ones, but right now it feels like I’m still clawing my way up to ground zero.

From everything I have seen about attachment disorders, there is definitely hope, but I will need a lot of counseling.  I have to change my relationship with myself before I can stop seeking out this same bullshit situation I’ve once again found myself breaking free from.  As of now, I’m finally understanding why I keep finding myself here.

To anyone else also dealing with childhood PTSD and attachment problems... this wound can be healed.  It takes time and understanding and a lot of hard personal work but it can be done.  Don’t give up on yourself, don’t give up on love.  Get help.  Learn stuff.  Stay the course.  Short term pleasure is not worth the long term pain.  Sit on your throne, let people approach, maintain boundaries.  Give those people time to show you how they are going to behave towards you, how they are going to treat you.  I know it’s hard but it’s worth it.  Avoid jumping into physical intimacy quickly, it’s especially toxic when you have attachment disorders.  Don’t let people walk all over you, NO ONE is cool enough, accomplished enough or attractive enough to be allowed to get away with treating you like shit.  Not ever.  And if someone shows up who genuinely likes you, DO NOT search for reasons to prove them wrong.. I know it feels creepy or scary to be loved but they don’t want anything from you other than your heart, and that’s a good thing.  Embrace it. 

If you’re still here, thanks for reading.

[nad-zeta]

Match up (◕‿◕✿)

nAdDy sEnpAi if you’re still doing ikevamp matchups, could you do mine pleaseee 👉🏼👈🏼, school’s been really hectic and i need a pick me up 😔😔 here’s my updated info hehe 😚

I’m a female on the libra-scorpio cusp and a Slytherin, I used to be an ENFP but now I’m an INFP. Appearance-wise, I’m 5'2, i’ve brown eyes and caramel brown hair. I also wear glasses and I’m also quite tanned from being out in the sun all the time.

Personality-wise:

- I can be really enthusiastic about stuff I’m really interested in, such as history (especially world war history), sciences (but physics is trash to me) and anime (I’m a closet nerd hehe) .

- I can be really ambitious and competitive, and I would sometimes place unrealistic expectations on myself, leaving me mentally exhausted and stressed, but like i place these unrealistic measures on myself to strive to be the best

- I do try to chill and take it slow, but you know, sometimes i just can’t 😅

- I’m quite an open book to all my close friends

- I also tend to be really possessive, like I dont like people purposely trying to steal my friends (it happened a lot of times before) and i hate it when someone randomly butts into a conversation i’m having with anyone, especially if it’s a deep conversation

- I can be really awkward around people i don’t click with, but around people i click with, i can be pretty wild and will be able to hold conversations with.

- I tend to procrastinate a lot, and people say i look intimidating but i don’t feel like I’m intimidating.

- I can be really sensitive to other’s emotions and i tend to put others before me, so like my close friend always told me that i’m too much of a giver, like I try to please everyone else and ignore myself

- My love languages are physical touch and quality time

- I can’t stand people who are attention seekers or just aim to be public nuisances as i feel that they’re just really irritating and it gets on my nerves, especially those people who are just doing stupid things to be popular (which is lowkey why i think tiktoks dances are dumb, like seriously i dont get the hype, but i do like tiktok meme videos tho)

- I listen to a lot of different genres of music, but i especially love classics (mozart and chopin are my favourites) and pop.

- I can really insecure at times, because i always feel that every other girl out there is better than me and i’m just a plain and ugly, and partially because i got bullied when i was younger about my appearance

- I like dressing up and putting on makeup occassionally, but i do act like a tomboy most of the time (ie. I hate skirts, like i really dont like them and i have no idea why, but jeans are supreme).

- I also love playing the piano and singing as well, even though i’m not that good at it :D

- People tell me that I’m very curious and persistent, constantly pushing until i get answers, but i do know my limits.

- I’m also very passionate about things I love, and i would do anything to protect people that i care and love.

- I’m also very affectionate and supportive towards my close friends and people i love. - I do have trust issues and I often feel like i do not deserve love and that I hate people who betray my trust.

- I’m ok with pda, but not anything overly affectionate, like hand-holding and kissing is ok, but not making out 😳😖

- I also tend to be pretty forgettful, and i’ll not eat for hours to get my work on hand done (whoop pretty unhealthy but :0)

- I’m also really sarcastic when i want to be, and i can’t hold a poker face to save my life (i swear i always start laughing like 2 seconds in) and I tend to sass people a lot, especially if I’ve had a bad day

- I’m also pretty fiesty and I hate people stereotyping me for my gender (i.e like when someone says that “oh you’re pretty good for a girl”) like what does my gender have to do with my ability? Like there is zero correlation

- My sense of humour is kind of twisted at times but i really love memes and i tend to crack inappropriate jokes sometimes

- I’ve been told that i come across as really flirty to some guys but it’s because i can be really touchy feely to my friends

- I’m also quick to anger, especially if i have a bad day, i hate people who nag and i hate people who put down others

- I’m kind of touch-starved, so i really like hugs and cuddles, but I’m also ticklish so my friends tend to tickle me when hugging me

- I can be a daydreamer at times, like I would get stuck in my own fantasy world when i shouldn’t 😂😂

- I’m also a drama queen around my friends, I dont have a lot of them in real life because of some rumours that others spread, so i only have a close circle of friends i really treasure and would do anything for them

- I also tend to bottle up all my anger and negative thoughts, and would sometimes like explode on others even though I don’t mean to

- Sometimes I don’t really think before I say or act, which is why sometimes I can come off as a bit rude or unfeeling but it’s just me and my impulsiveness 

Fun Facts:

- i really love food, especially sweets (dark chocolate and dango is my life)

- i really hate horror movies (I’m usually pretty brave, but horror movies just get to me so much ergh) but i love chick flicks and adventure flims

- I’m also a hopeless romantic, which is why even little romantic gestures can make my heart flutter

- My hobbies are reading, writing and shooting (only air-rifle though)

- I used to be pretty athletic, I still am, but to a lesser extend now, because i injured my left knee playing volleyball in the past. It’s on it’s road to recovery, but it still hurts quite badly when i overexert myself.

- I love artic foxes and cats, dogs are too energetic for me 😅

- I’m also a sneaker hoarder and I love collecting and wearing sneakers hehe, heels are like torture devices for the feet i dont care even if they make me taller

- Coffee over tea anyday, no offense to peoples who like tea, but a fresh cup of brewed coffee is one of the best things in the world 😚

- I’m really terrible at drawing, I’m not gonna kid you. When i was younger, my art teacher threatened to fail me because im really terrible at drawing. 😂

- I’m also very injury-prone and a bit clumsy, which caused me to have bruises occasionally

- I’m kinda bad and math and physics, but like if you take your time to explain to me then I’ll understand a bit more lol, my best subject is like chemistry

- my ideal date would just be cuddling with my boyfriend, and either watching a movie together or bookshop date hehe

uwu i would be super grateful and happy if you did my matchup uwu thank you sm sending you all my love and hugs and cuddles 🥰💖💕

Hi hi, lia! ❤I’m so happy ya requested! 😆Hehe, I hope you enjoy it love, and I hope this cheers ya up! Love ya lots, and I hope you enjoy it! ❤😊

So I match you with……………. Isaac

Oh, the first time Isaac spotted you in the dining room, introducing yourself to everyone, he was paralyzed with fear. You quite possibly looked more intimidating than anyone he has ever met in his whole entire life, and that’s saying a lot considering you were standing right next to his pure blooded vampire, sire. Comte spotted Isaac hiding behind the doorway of the dining room, peaking in to catch a glimpse of their new guest. You instantly turned around when you heard the blond vampire beckon, someone closer, whose name you know all too well. He had been the cause of endless amounts of math and science homework over the years. 

Your eyes locked with his for a split second, but moments after you met his rosy eyes he darted them to the ground. “I-s-saac Newton, n-nice to meet you.” You gave him a shy smile and took his outstretched hand and shook it, before you could even say a word, Arthur budded in and interrupted. An action which caused you to feel slightly irritated, Isaac looked up at your face and saw that you were starting to become awkward with being the centre of attention. The two of you still held hands when the physicist decided to pull you into the kitchen with him to give you a moment of peace. You smiled when he is a very soft meek voice confessed that he didn’t really like crowds or loud people, a little fact that the two of you bonded over. And before you knew it, you and Isaac were now sitting in the kitchen chatting away in a deep conversation about your mutual dislike of overcrowded places, bullies and plain old public nuisances.

The next day you decided to curiously explore the mansion. You came across a great big library, and you felt as excited as a kid on Christmas day. They had every and any book you could possibly wish for. You decided to spend the day doing something you absolutely loved, and that would be... reading. You had found yourself an old outdated science book, and you were honestly so fascinated at how little had changed in terms of scientific principles over the years. You were so invested in the book you were reading you didn’t even hear Issac walking in. He was on the hunt for his little hedgehog. 

You were awoken from your book reading trance when you heard the sound of a vase smash against the floor. Startled you turned your head towards the loud crash only to see a very distressed looking Isaac. You are naturally sensitive to other emotion, and very much a giver, so it only took one glance at Isaac’s troubled face to prompt you into action. You noticed that he had cut himself on the fallen vase and he was now down crouched on the floor trying to retrieve his terrified hedgehog, who had gotten himself caught at the bottom of one of the large bookcases. 

Wordlessly you laid on the floor beside Isaac and peered under the bookcase, when you spotted little Harry cowering in the dark corner tangled in a ball of wool. Your hands and arms were much smaller than Issac’s, so you were easily able to reach under the bookcase and secure the little hedgehog. Both of you sat up as you cradle the scared little animal in your hands, trying to untangle the wool that was wrapped around his body. “My God, Harry, I was worried sick about you, please never disappear like that again.” both you and Isaac breathed a sigh of relief at the now rescued critter.

That is when you looked up and noticed that Harry wasn’t the only hedgehog who had been injured, “Isaac, your hand!” You stood up and offered Isaac a hand up, you then gently took his hand in yours and led him to your room. You sat him down on your bed and gently started treating the injury as Harry had made himself comfortable, now sleeping on your pillow. While treating Isaac’s injury, you started chatting away with him. You could see him blushing profusely from embarrassment so you decided to tell him about the book you were reading before the whole fiasco. At the mention of the science book, Isaac instantly perked up and met your enthusiasm ten fold. After his wound was wrapped and treated, the two of you sat in deep conversation for the second time that week, chatting all about science and your mutual love for the subject. And that my dear friend is how you and Isaac had become good friends

Since that day, it wasn’t uncommon for the two of you to be sitting across from each other in the library, reading away. Usually, Harry would be nestled in your lap as you and Isaac enjoy a quiet afternoon together. Some afternoon the two of you would just simply sit in silence and read while other afternoons were filled with laughter and conversation between the two of you cuties. 

As the days went on Isaac had noticed a very curious fact about you, and that was how forgetful you were. He had noticed that you would go hours and hours without eating or drinking something which strangely enough, was the exact opposite of him, who required minimum routine of five meals a day. It was this curious observation that had started the habit of the two of you dining together every day. Something which both of you really enjoyed, especially now that the two of you were determined to find the best sweets in all of Paris. Every day without fail, at lunchtime you and Isaac would go out to town to try a new cafés for lunch and sweet. These café crawls usually involved Isaac showing you around Paris, visiting book stores together and leisurely walking beside the Seine. You honestly loved spending time with this hedgehog, who had seemed to have completely opened up to you. 

Isaac loved your inappropriate jokes and twisted humour and would bust out into uncontrollable laughter whenever you would crack a joke. One time as the two of you were sitting on the fountain’s edge eating some ice cream, you saw a man falling up stairs. As hard as you tried, you couldn’t keep a poker face, it just wasn't in you, especially when Isaac had just witnessed the exact same scene and was now looking at you and snickering. Of course, being the sweet angels you were, you rushed to see if the man was alright, however, your walk home with Isaac was filled with jokes and endless laughter of the days events. 

Ooh how Isaac had fallen head over heels for you, his favourite thing in the world was to hear you sing and play the piano. He would silently walk into the piano room whenever you played, and just let the beautiful sounds wash away his weariness of the day. He would shower you with endless compliments, even more so, when you would deny them, saying that you aren’t that good. These playful little banter fights usually end with him tickling you. He usually won’t give up until you admit that you are the best singer and piano player in the whole mansion. Cue Mozart walking in like challenge accepted.

The night Isaac finally confessed his feeling for you was on, one warm summers night. The night started of with Isaac taking you out to watch a musical concert. He knew just how much you love music. Before he had met you, he had never really bother taking the time to listen to music, as he had always been far to absorbed with his own work, to stop and smell the flowers. However since meeting you, he found himself utterly enjoying going to the opera and musical concerts and letting himself just get absorbed by the sound of music. He loved the way your eyes gleamed as you watched and listened to the performance. 

After the concert, he lead you out into the garden, where his telescope had been all set up. The two of you sat together and stargazed while Mozart played some romantic classical music in the background, which was arranged by the resident hedgehog himself. Somewhere between the beautiful sight of the stars and the gentle melody playing in the background. Isaac build up the courage to finally reveal to you just how madly in love he was with you. He then produced a bunch of red roses out of thin air and resting in the roses was a card with a hand-drawn meme ( courtesy of Sabastian) asking you in the most hilarious way to stay in the past with him. The two of you met in a sweet kiss and the rest of the evening was spent cuddled in each other’s arms under the stars.

Both of you are pretty touch starved creatures, so expect to be cuddled, snuggled, kissed and hugged whenever Isaac comes across you. Like if Isaac spots you in the garden hanging laundry he will give you the biggest hug from behind, kiss your neck and then tell you how much he loves you, before he is off with Napo to teach the children.  

Don’t worry about your impulsive behaviours, bottled up emotions or a quick temper. Isaac might be new to the whole human behaviour thing but he is very in-tune with your emotions and he will instantly pick up when you are feeling upset or angry. He will aim to fix every and all problems immediately, especially if it is causing you hurt or upset. This also counts for when you are over stressing yourself, about putting too high an expectation on yourself. If he sees you getting angry, stressed or frustrated, he will pull you into his arms and gently stroke your hair, you can’t be angry when you are being so gently held and loved. Isaac will sit an listen to all your troubles. 

He always encourages you to communicate whenever you are having negative emotions so he can help you through it the best way he knows how, with cuddles. He would usually make you a cup of coffee and pull you into his lap and cuddle you, as you unpack everything and anything that had upset you that day. He will patiently listen and leave small little kisses on your cheeks to remind you that he is there for you and will support you no matter what

He loves your competitive side, even more so when you use it to win a bet and beat Arthur. HE also loves how open-minded you are. The two of you often teach each other new skills, for example, you have been teaching Isaac how to shoot while Isaac has been patiently teaching you maths and science.

He low key loves how possessive you are and is just as possessive over you. He absolutely adores you and will remind you of that every single day. 

He loves holding your hands and giving you small kisses on the cheeks whenever the two of you go out together. He honestly can’t believe it when you feel insecure about the way you look, “You are honest to God, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.” Will tickle you and shower you with kisses and loving words whenever you are feeling insecure about yourself. 

He will always snicker when your feisty side comes out. Like whenever you sass the men at the banquets for spewing gender based stereotypes and being ignorant. Once they have been put in their place, Isaac while still laughing at the hilarious smack-down you just gave the ignorant men will always give you the sweetest kisses, “God, I love you so much.”

Isaac legit loves everything about you from your quick temper to your clumsy streak. You best be sure this hedgehog is ganna be right by your side whenever you clumsily injure yourself. He will legit sweep you off your feet and nuzzle into your neck, all while making sure you didn’t injure yourself too severely. 

This boy loves you to the moon and back and would do anything to make you happy. If you are overexerting your injured knee you best be sure he will piggyback you to his room and do everything in his power to ease away the pain. Even if that means taking a soothing hot bath with you.

Often the two of you cuties can be found cuddled together, each reading their own book. Both your love languages are physical touch and quality time so Isaac is happiest when you are nestled near him simply spending some good quality time together.

Other potential matches…………. Comte 

I hope you have the best day lia! Sending ya all the hugs! ❤❤🌻 @i-sleep-like-napoleon

[emeto-things]

I really need to vent :(

I just wanna vent to you guys. I’d love to hear what you have to say, I’m in a really dark place right now :(

Right now, I just feel almost every negative emotion you can think of. And that’s not even an exaggeration. I don’t remember the last time I genuinely felt content with my life. To be 100% honest, I feel anxious, depressed, confused, empty, lost, mentally and physically fatigued, drained and I feel like I’m losing myself as a whole.

I know this year hasn’t been easy on anyone, but last year was just as horrible for me. And when every day feels like this, it gets harder and harder. And it’s been for 2 years straight. I’m always listening and even try to help my friends and family’s problems and then those problems go away for them in a short amount of time. But for me, it seems like I have the same, consistent problems that never end. Ever.

All of the exact same problems and concerns I have at this very moment are the exact same ones I had in the beginning on 2019. The only thing different is that I have even more problems now than I did then.

I literally THINK in anxiety and OCD. I can’t think normally, except for it IS normal for me because I’ve dealt with this all so long. I subconsciously count every step, count seconds, repeat phrases in my head, subconsciously give myself “if I don’t do/say *insert here* then someone will die or be s*”, Which all of that is my OCD. I always have scary “gut feelings” about everything I do (my anxiety gives me that), I always feel s* because of my anxiety/emet, I always feel on edge, and whenever something disappoints me, my mind resorts to wanting to die. And I don’t literally want to die, but that’s where my depression kicks in. I’m so miserable all the time that the smallest inconvenience makes me want to just metaphorically “end” everything. As I’ve mentioned, I don’t actually want to die and I’m not suicidal, I just hate my life and I hate living the way I have been for 2+ years now.

Over the last 2 years, I’ve gone though some very mentally traumatic experiences. I’m very intuitive which is the worst possible trait you can have as someone with anxiety. If I have an intuition about something that I don’t want, I will have endless anxiety until the intuition either shows itself as right or wrong. And sometimes, it never does. Sometimes I just have that “intuition” - which might even be considered paranoia, I don’t even know at this point - that never goes away. It comes from when my scary intuition has been right in the past, and now I’m literally scared of my own mind and feelings. I’m scared that every feeling or thought I have is 100% accurate and predicting the future. And I know that sounds ridiculous, but so many of these feelings I’ve had have turned out to be right. So I’m always living in fear about my own feelings/intuition and if they turn out to be true.

I’m always comparing myself to other girls which I know is unfortunately natural for us to do, but it’s gotten unbelievably bad. It’s like I want to be anyone but myself. And I’ve been trying to “better myself” but in the most unhealthy ways. Like creating Pinterest boards of girls that I want to look/be like as inspiration, and it instead it just hurts me more because I will never be anyone but myself. I will never have different facial features. I will never be in a different body. And I just hate who I am so much, that it drives me crazy I will never get to be someone else.

That aspect is even showing itself, from how I change the way I look/act randomly around people. No one has said anything, but I’m sure people notice my sudden changes all the time. Because I’m always “trying out” new personalities and looks, and then changing back and it’s just embarrassing that I can’t be myself and stay myself. But truly these days, I don’t even know who I am anymore. And that sounds cliche, but that’s genuinely what it feels like.

I’m about to turn 18 in a couple of weeks, and I feel like I’ve missed out on so many things due to my mental health and just the lifestyle I was born into. My family has never had the most money, so I’ve always been very limited with what I can do/have, and I’m still so grateful for everything I do have and I never complain to my parents because I know they give their lives to support me and my siblings. But I’m just saying, for me as a person, I feel I’ve been very cut back on experiences I could’ve had/be having. And also due to my mental health.

I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t have my license, I only have a couple virtual friends, but no one in person. I don’t have a job. I don’t have a routine. I don’t have a schedule. I’m homeschooled which is both good and bad.

I’m also Christian and have always been very into my faith, and I still am. But lately it feels like God isn’t listening to me anymore, and I know that’s not true, but that’s a very scary feeling for a Christian to feel.

And last month, I had a traumatic experience at the hospital, and I still haven’t mentally recovered.

It’s almost Christmas, and I just want to be happy. I just want to WANT to get out of bed in the morning. I want to enjoy eating. But it feels physically impossible to be happy right now. And it’s been that way for so long, and I don’t see a change anytime soon. I don’t know what to do.

I haven’t told my parents how horrible I’ve been feeling lately because I just feel embarrassed by all of it.

And I want to improve myself, but I don’t know how to because I just end up comparing myself to people even more. I hate my personality, I hate my appearance. But my mental conditions basically form my personality, as horribly sad as that is. So I can’t change it.

My personality is basically just mental antics. Asking for reassurance, laughing super super loud and obnoxiously because I’m trying to hide my pain behind it. Being clingy because I feel like I have to know what’s going on 24/7 because of anxiety. Ruining peoples fun because I’m anxious about whatever the “fun” is.

And for appearance, I can’t change that very much being that most of my insecurities are things you can’t change. And I don’t have the money to spend on new clothes, hair salons and nail salons.

I’m the most unhealthy now than I ever have been. I’m about 15 pounds underweight. I never eat enough or consistently because of my emet. I don’t sleep enough because of my anxiety, and if I try to get enough hours, I end up waking up at 3pm. I feel like all of my friends secretly hate me because I have too many problems. I don’t remember the last time I was happy or had a good day.

I’m so sorry for how long this is. But I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Hey Abby. I’m so sorry I’m just getting to this now. I hope things are starting to improve for you. If you have any health insurance that may cover it, please look into therapy. I will tell you, it may not seem like it now but it DOES get better. I was in a similar spot when I was your age. I was having panic attacks almost every day in high school because I was terrified of v* in class. I was constantly worrying about v* after I ate. I couldn’t sleep unless my stomach was empty and I felt hungry. Overtime, after therapy and medications, and FINALLY v*ing a few times and getting through it, it got better. It’s not something I obsess over anymore. And if I can get to this point, you can too! Good luck!!! -Kaitlyn

[ellaintrigue]

Photo credit: Julio Cortez/AP

George Floyd's fiance pleads against the violent protests: https://www.thedailybeast.com/george-floyds-fiancee-pleads-…

YES, racism is alive and well. So is sexism, rape culture, and homophobia, but you don't see the Me Too movement hurting people and destroying property...

YES, George Floyd was murdered. But this goes far beyond racism. I never deny racism, the recent murder of a black man by two white guys in a pickup was clearly racist. But this is an issue of MEN. And POLICE. Cops have always killed people, it's all a matter of what gets the most publicity. I see a photo collage going around of black people that have been shot recently by cops and I find it offensive. Where are the white, Asian, and Hispanics that have also been shot by the police? What about the recent shooting of a white woman? We are all equals, right? https://apnews.com/57b423dcf5e54bdb801d7ea564416a0a

Foolish liberal hypocrisy. Meanwhile I am seeing younger democratic socialists applauding the looting as capitalism being put in its place. What the hell? You see the first article above, George Floyd's loved one said he never wanted this. And what exactly is the relevance to his death? What did Target stores do to George Floyd? How is the guy walking down the street with a backpack of stolen liquor bottles contributing to justice?

This is bullshit of the greedy and the brainwashed, race issues and social topics have been long lost. The majority of the protesters seem to be males enjoying violence. Which again, is what it comes down to.

While a huge feminist, I have no problem admitting that men have their own separate laundry list of issues. Difficulty speaking out, and difficulty getting help for whatever problems they may have because of the stigma of society where men are still not allowed to admit "weakness." I see it in my own father who has outbursts from being overwhelmed by various things. Having to be a tough guy and a financial supporter to a disabled wife but unable to accept or seek support himself.

There are A LOT of angry men out there. Shit, they're justified for the most part! I would definitely not want to be a man. And that is where the position of authority comes in... overcoming your struggles as a male youth and becoming a cop or correctional officer.

There are so many great cops out there! But, I haven't met many of them. Because not everyone overcomes their past and becomes a good cop. Whatever they grew up with or were born with makes them relish power, control, and violence.

I, a lower class (former middle class) white woman, have been victimized by the police. If you think that's a fucking joke because I'm white, refer back to the original point: POLICE VICTIMIZE PEOPLE OF ALL AGES, RACES, GENDERS, ETC.

A few years ago I read an article about a rapist cop. He raped more than one woman, but when they reported it, they were dismissed because he was a cop. His peers made sure he was above the law. So then he rapes an older black woman, someone's grandmother. She raised hell and he finally got in trouble. Was she listened to because she was black? HELL TO THE NO, women are treated like shit. A black woman? I've seen black women treated horribly my entire life. It's just how it is.

But no one felt like bringing this pig to justice, because, well, white male cop. Cops obviously deal with criminals and folks they will naturally regard as lower class, and none of these folks are going to be believed over a cop. From dating men of questionable backgrounds, I have heard horror stories of prisoners being beaten by cops and correctional officers and all kinds of shit. But who is going to believe some felon over a police officer?

May marked the 4 year anniversary of my ex-boyfriend almost killing me. It was hell, I struggled all month. My mom having cancer, the anniversary, the pandemic, now everyone running around setting shit on fire because they want free TVs... HOLY FUCK. PTSD trigger much?

I've wanted to talk about that, but I felt I couldn't, because, well, he's stalked me since. How did this happen? People think I was a battered woman but that's not true. Women stay with abusive partners and I did not. I got with this guy knowing he had a record, as others before him, but did not expect the onslaught of mental illness. The guy before him was bipolar and would shut down, lay on the bed and just be totally mute or sob. This new guy, after about 3 months into a relationship, would have manic episodes that would lead to suicide attempts. Over time I found out that he was a diagnosed bipolar, and rumored (unconfirmed) schizophrenic. I begged and begged for him to stick to taking meds, which clearly helped over the course of months, but he would stop taking them because he felt he "didn't need them," which is the cruelest cliche of the mentally ill and why so many don't function at all.

So I ended up having to call the cops on him multiple times in the course of 3 years when he lost his shit. Not once did he ever harm me, although you can see, and I can see, now, that it was unhealthy and dangerous for everyone involved regardless. The first time I dealt with the cops over him was when he got a DUI in my truck with his friend. but the friend was driving. I woke up at midnight to this chaos and remember a black female cop intimidating me and screaming at me because I was standing near a beer bottle on the ground and I was "hiding evidence." Which was bullshit since the driver had already been arrested. Who the fuck cares about a random Bud Light bottle lying in my yard? The DUI was in Ocean City. Whatever.

The same fucking night my shitfaced, manic boyfriend logs onto my computer and reads like 7 years worth of texts between me and a male friend, accusing me of fucking him. After a long night of dealing with the other drama it was like hell never ended. He's on my computer, looking at everything I have and accusing me of cheating. Never met the dude, never tried to be with the dude, but that seemed pretty moot. Even if your partner has nothing to hide, you shouldn't be going through their shit. IF YOU DO NOT TRUST THE PERSON YOU ARE WITH, LEAVE THEM. IF YOU HAVE ONGOING ISSUES WITH MANIA OR PARANOIA, GET HELP.

Well, perhaps I seem a hypocrite in protesting violence against women, and I did something I'm not proud of: I punched the fuck out of him. He then got up and put my shotgun in his mouth. He didn't pull the trigger but obviously that scarred me for life. I called 911 and they chased him down in the woods and took him to the mental ward in Salisbury. I dealt with 3 male cops that were kind to me and said I did the right thing by hiding the gun afterward and calling 911. My neighbor also helped me, which I am incredibly grateful for.

I should have left, hands down. But because I never felt physically threatened by him: I felt I was helping him, he could get better, and I kept trying. I have never been a woman that wanted a "project" as some people want, where they find someone to fix or better as a person. But I loved this man and tried my best, stupid as I was.

He was fine for months after that, another huge factor in me staying. We were just boyfriend and girlfriend, enjoying life, until he had another manic episode. Once he went 6 months with no signs of anything at all. Again, at this point in things, I have nothing to candycoat in my life. I am an open book, and in 2018, came out about being raped by a man in 2011, and got judged harshly. I've had to accept that no matter what I say, I will be questioned and put down because that is how victims are treated.

So in 2015 he came home late at night, screaming the FBI were in the bushes and smashing things. He accused me and a family member of conspiring with the government against him and stripped half of his clothes off, threatening to kill himself. Just like that, he would go from a calm person that worked all day to a raging maniac in the most literal form.

I called 911 and was in tears by the time two very tall male cops showed up. That is the main thing I remember, I am 5'2 and these men were both over 6'0 and stood way too close to me. My boyfriend was running around screaming utter nonsense and one cop talked to him, another talked to me. The two men ID'd me and laughed at the fact I always wore lipstick, in the pic and in real life, a habit since I was 14. Then they told me they weren't going to do anything with my boyfriend, who was still screaming and stomping around. I said, "but he's clearly unstable and threatening to kill himself." Both of the cops stood roughly two feet from me, and the heavyset olive skinned officer moved in even closer, shining his flashlight in my face, his breath bearing down on me, and said, "if you call 911 or anyone again tonight, you will both be arrested."

I felt scared of them at this point and they told me my option was to leave my home, leaving my boyfriend there. They asked me if I had family in the area and I said no. "Well, we can't help you then. Plus we want to go and get dinner," the thick one said, before laughing with his partner, who was a thinner blond man. So they waited until I got in my car and left, then they left, leaving my ex still standing screaming in the middle of the yard.

I had nowhere to go, so I went to his aunt's house and spent the night. At one point in the night I heard my boyfriend's truck screech through Berlin, looking for me, but knew I couldn't call 911 anymore because I WAS threatened. And cops can do what they want, no one is going to listen to some white trash chick with a crazy boyfriend.

I called 911 one other time before things got truly worse (I know, right). I got one of the cops that I had dealt with when he put the shotgun in his mouth and he threw him in the mental ward after a brief car chase.

By spring 2016 my boyfriend wasn't working, binge drinking, and seeming off on a regular basis so I somehow managed to drop him off at a homeless shelter despite him initially standing in a Wendy's parking lot screaming I was out to get him.

Finally, in May he became increasingly manic before literally waking up one morning with this weird hollow look in his eyes and screaming the worst threats against me and his family I had ever heard. First I tried to be calm, then I tried to run from him when I thought he wasn't looking and he ran after me and jumped on me. And that was the first time I felt actually afraid that he would hurt me. I thought he would hit me. Instead, he dragged me through the woods by my ankles so hard my leggings were pulled down and became filled with dirt, leaves, and sticks, threw me on the porch and then dragged me into my house. He tortured me for 1-3 hours. I think it was between 1 and 2 hours. Years later I sat down with a shrink and told her, I can't remember, I truly can't. I just remember the intense fear and shame of what it would be like for my dad to come into my house and find me dead. The doctor pursed her lips as she listened to me and reassured me that people with PTSD often have trouble remembering details. In fact, I couldn't piece together how bad the whole thing was until 2018, around the same time I talked about being raped, because I had repressed memories so hard. There was a point where I vividly remembered everything both men had done to me respectively, including a lifelong physical injury I had also blocked out. Like, I knew it was there, I just never allowed myself to think about why.

Instead of killing me, thank fuck, my boyfriend left me lying on a plastic floor mat he had just put a cigarette out in that he been holding over my eye and walked out of the house, stealing my truck. So I called 911, in a sort of daze I seemed the most worried about the stupid truck. But I really couldn't comprehend anything at that point. I shouldn't have bothered calling, because ding-dong, who is at the door, but one of the cops that essentially kicked me out of my house in 2015, leaving me to wonder if my boyfriend would kill himself or burn the place down. The thin, blond cop. The first thing I noticed was his eyes when I spoke to him that day. His pupils were tiny pin-pricks and it was shockingly noticeable. He looked like he was blind or something, because he had wide blue irises with these teeny tiny pupils. Frankly it was creepy, but wasn't relevant to the situation. I told him my ex went nuts, then stole my truck. He starts screaming at me and asking me what I wanted to do, and why the hell did I call. I completely shut down and just felt scared of him. Thinking about telling him about the assault just evaded my head, all I could think was that I was being cornered and I had to get away. He walked around the yard looking at other shit my ex had torn up, yelled at me some more, then left. This cop was almost manic and I was afraid he would arrest me for annoying him.

I finally got my truck back with the help of my grandmother after watching my boyfriend acting insane in front of his boss, who he had driven to. The man got a restraining order against him that week after seeing the violent instability and I made our breakup official at the same time. I knew I was done the second he dragged me through the woods. That was the first time he had ever put hands on me and the torture session would be the last. (I was lucky in that he had tossed me around and suffocated me in a headlock, etc., rather than getting a knife or something... it could have been so much worse.)

At this point, regardless of what people around him did, my now-ex was clearly gone mentally. Not sure how or why it got that bad, but all of his issues just imploded on him at once, almost overnight. So 2016 to 2018 he stalked me and made my life a living hell. He called me and I was afraid to disconnect my number right away because I felt it was a way of tracking him/how dangerous he was any particular day. After screaming for him to leave me alone and calling the cops even more times failed, I felt I had to be nice to him to keep him at bay, or when he started coming into my job, so I wouldn't make a scene. I finally got a domestic violence order in 2017 and stood before the court and described my assault so the judge to decide if I had just cause.

About a month after that, my ex called me threatening to kill himself so I felt super happy about calling 911. Finally they would put his ass in jail. A cop in his early 20's showed up, flirted with me, called his boss and they told me that there was not enough cause to jail my ex. The cop told me to "just talk things over" with my ex and then left after staring at my tits through my sweatshirt.

More time goes by, more bullshit, afraid to go to work, afraid to come home at night. Mace didn't make me feel safer, guns didn't make me feel safer, having coworkers didn't make me feel safer. My dad was screaming at me that I had brought this all on myself by being with a nut for so long. I felt like a hunted animal. My boss complained about me calling out of work over this. Finally my ex's other ex-girlfriend who he was with after me comes into my job, says he assaulted her, and that he was dangerously obsessed with me and my boss finally took me seriously.

I couldn't do anything about phone calls or online harassment. He would message me online telling me he hated me and stuff and I would just block him. Then, one day in September, during Ocean City bike week, he showed up on a bicycle, cornering me in the parking lot of my job as I walked to my shift. I was in utter terror and for a moment he looked like he would attack me again but I just kept on walking, and did not pause. My coworker wanted to know why I was being confronted and I said "THAT'S HIM, THAT'S HIM. I'M SO SORRY, NIKKI, I'M NOT CLOCKING IN RIGHT NOW. I AM CALLING 911."

Two cops showed up, a male and a female and ID'd me, and looked at my DV order. I asked if it was okay for me to lift the sweater on my front seat up to get my purse and the male cop brushed that off, acting like I was a non-threat. But I knew I had to move slow, because, well, cops shoot people. White, black, male, female, non-bindary-gender, whatever.

They saw I had all my paperwork in order then they started fucking yelling at me! They told me they really didn't have time to look for him since it was Bike Week and they were busy! I don't know what else they said to me, I think they were confused about what phone number I used the most because I had 2 at that point. I broke into tears and the male cop said "you don't have to do none of that." I walked back into the store and they came back in again, and my coworker told everyone later on how nasty the cops were too me. I knew it wasn't just me but it was good to finally have a witness this time around.

They looked around for my ex at two known locations then gave up, I had called and asked. 3 days later he attacked his other ex, the one that I had spoken to and they arrested him on both that and my DV order. He was jailed for several months and since then his stalking has been infrequent aside from him popping up on Tumblr this winter to make fun of my cat dying. Because I left him, for assaulting me, he now, in whatever the fuck is left of his mind, wants me to live a life of hell. During one phone call he screamed "YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY UNTIL I'M HAPPY."

I'd love to count on him staying gone, but I know better. His brother added me on FaceBook not too long ago and I said hi, and he said "you know you're the love of my brother's life, right?" I told him I wanted nothing to do with my ex. "Not even friends?" I told him that my ex tried to kill me then made my life hell and he said he didn't know and the conversation ended.

I'm not afraid of my ex's brother. I don't think he added me purely to help my ex. This man isn't crazy. This man didn't try to kill me, and isn't going to. But the sheer mindfuckery of it: how can you try to get back with the woman you abused? How can you use threats to try and get back with her? Another time my ex called me and screamed over me posting pictures with my last ex, mocking it. Why would I be with him, instead of the guy that abused me?

...Why would I want to be with a guy that I felt safe with that never abused me? Golly gosh, no idea. But it's all just a headfuck that I will be scarred by for life.

Summary: Cops and the severely mentally ill are capable of ruining the lives of anyone, of any color. 🤷‍♀️

[thelohunter]

I used to write when I was drinking.

I used to write when I was drinking. After I’d had two or three beers and was feeling the sparkle in the air. The euphoria of the beginning of being drunk. I wrote arguably lovely pieces of text with abandon. Most, I kept private, but sometimes - I released them to the internet and let the people on the other side of the screens do with them what they would. I didn’t worry too much about publishing whatever I wanted thanks to the confidence that comes with a couple drinks. Today, I’m writing sober. I’ve been thinking about publishing this post for over a week, debating the pros and cons of being vulnerable on the internet. I just - right now - looked at myself in the mirror and felt like for the first time in a very long time, I looked back at me. So I opened this post again. This time, to publish it. With the encouragement and support of my doctor and loved ones, I am choosing to be brave, hold myself accountable, and share a bit of my story with you.

I have been drinking for fourteen years, and it has never been a casual thing for me. I fell in love with it the moment that curdled cocktail of a-little-bit-of-everything-in-my-friend’s-parent’s-liquor-cabinet-including-the-Bailey’s touched my lips. It made me feel powerful. It made me feel giddy. It made me feel like I could do anything I wanted. It connected me to my peers and was something to relate upon with strangers. It eased my anxieties and made me forget about stress. I enjoyed and abused all of these wonderful side effects… that is, until the next day. The day after drinking, I would wake up reluctantly and immediately feel like dying. Not only due to the physical hangover, which would happen occasionally, but the emotional hangover I experienced was much more debilitating. My social anxiety was what was pounding in my head. My severe depression and lack of motivation for life was what would keep me in bed. I can’t tell you how many times I have contemplated suicide after a night of drinking. And it makes sense! Science has told us time and time again, alcohol is a depressant. When I was in this horrible state of darkness and emotional pain, what was the only thing that I knew (at the time) that would bring me out of it? Obviously, more alcohol. After all, the cure to a hangover is “hair of the dog.” More alcohol. For at least twelve years, I have been living a vicious cycle of drinking, then drinking more to ease the effects of drinking, then drinking the next day to ease that, and again the next day to ease that and that and that on top of that. It became habitual in my day-to-day life. A beer while I cooked, a couple beers with dinner, a few casual beers with friends that turned into going in on a bottle of tequila and drinking the entire thing in a couple hours. I became dependent on every drink I had, needing it to not only function in social settings but to purely even survive. To keep the depression and the suicidal thoughts at bay. Until the next morning, when I could drink enough again to push them deep enough to not see them for one more day. I realized that this all was becoming a problem and an unhealthy lifestyle when my partner participated in “Sober October” a couple months back. He wasn’t drinking, so I drank even more. I realized how hard it would be for me to NOT drink for one month like he was doing. How would I go out and do anything? I told him I wanted to cut back on the drinking and moderate myself better. That lasted about two days. Then it was Halloween. Surely, it’s okay to cheat and drink on a holiday like Halloween! I got wasted. The next day I woke up and sure enough - felt like dying. The hangover was so awful physically and emotionally that for probably the twentieth time in my life I said outloud “I’m never drinking again.” It has been one month and three weeks. Every day I feel more clear and more sure that this is the right thing for me to be doing right now. I can’t promise forever, yet, or that I won’t have a glass of champagne on a special occasion in the future. But for now, sobriety is the way I’m going to save my own life. It comes with many challenges. I feel bored and lonely sometimes, missing my old way of life. One thing was for sure - it kept things interesting. For better or worse. I hope to be able to be out and about, at parties, and Art Walks, and concerts, and bachelorettes, and feel like I’m authentically myself. Having fun, dancing, being wild if I want to be, but just without the alcohol. I am happy to say that I've been dipping my toe in, and the water is a lot less scary every day. It would make things easier if alcohol weren’t literally everywhere. It’s like breaking up with your long term partner who you truly loved and you had a passionate relationship with… and then they become a viral sensation overnight and their face and voice is on every billboard and Netflix series, they make appearances at every event, they’re your next door neighbor, and all your friends have cute, little tiny versions of them inside their fridges, like The Borrowers. And they’re so cute because they’re so small and you just want to be friends so badly but you can’t because there’s too much history. Since I have decided to be without alcoholic beverages, I have seen a drastic improvement in the way I look, how I sleep, my cognitive skills, my confidence in myself, and my overall happiness and outlook on life. Not to mention my relationships. I am a better friend, I am a better partner, I am a better family member. I’ve taken my own selfish need to drink out of the equation, which has left me with space and patience in my heart, allowing me to be more considerate of others. I’m grateful that I woke up and realized what I needed to do and that it’s been relatively easy to make a change. I know that isn’t the story for everyone and I feel for them. It’s a hard thing to give up. All that needed to happen for this change to manifest itself was that I needed to make the decision myself. I know I haven’t been sober for years and that I’m relatively new to this whole thing, and I know I don’t have all the answers or wisdom. Not at all. I just wanted to share my story with you in hopes that it would lead to better friendships and relationships in general. I want to be honest and open about this, because it is a big change for me and it's important to find support. Also, I thought of the people along the way that have inspired me and lead me to this change, and I wanted to thank them and give back. One of the people who got me thinking and wanting to do things differently was Demi Appleby. Demi, you are an incredible artist and an inspiration. Thank you for being brave and sharing your own story for the world to see. It has been resonating with me for quite some time now. I’m happy I can tell you that.

I appreciate any support I get from sharing my vulnerability with you, and know that I don’t judge anyone for partaking in the consumption of alcohol. I just personally had a complicated relationship with it, one that for now, is best left untouched.

[truthbeetoldmedia]

The 100 6x13 "The Blood of Sanctum" Review

Well, The 100 fans, how are we feeling? Tonight we watched the last season finale The 100 is ever going to give us (the next will be a SERIES finale) and I must say, this is perhaps the first time a finale from this show has left me unsatisfied. Let’s delve into why that is:

Closing Season 6 was always going to be a bit of a challenge. We entered this season with perhaps one strong “A” plot and a minor subplot. We walked out with approximately five more plot lines and none of them are ones I’d consider minor. It’s astonishing to me that The 100 managed to craft a finale that not only didn’t close a single one of it’s existing plot lines adequately but also opened up, quite literally, an entirely new can of worms (anyone remember when worms where a thing on this show?). Let’s run through the list shall we: 

Worm Number One: Have You Seen This Boy?

We start the season with the mystery of the Primes, and although we now know exactly what they are and the vast majority of them have been floated, we are left with Russell the Eighth and Priya’s mind drive, clutched securely in the grasp of a now brainwashed Jordan. If it wasn’t obvious enough that Jordan is “under the influence” so to speak, we watch the camera focus on his adjuster while he chats with Bellamy in the finale, proclaiming that he is fine even as he spouts out pieces of information that would make me question that if I were in Bellamy’s shoes. The Prime plot, which could have ended this season, will now make its way into Season 7, where the cult that we were introduced to in this final episode will have a more active role in disrupting the peace. I wouldn’t be surprised if a large part of Jordan’s role next season is finding a new host for Priya and I can’t bring it in me to be upset about that. 

In a season where Jordan Jasper Green was one of the most anticipated new additions to the cast he was sorely under-utilized. We listened to various characters recite Monty’s charge to do better all season, but they all failed Monty and Harper where it mattered the most: their son. Shannon Kook is an expert at bringing a Harper-esque zest for life mixed with Monty’s desire to live better and it was a promising combination and one that was lost after episode 5 of this season. While I understand the appeal of first love, especially when you’ve never met anyone who wasn’t related to you or one of your parent’s friends, it is frustrating to me that so much of Jordan’s why is trapped in Priya nee Delilah. It would have been far more interesting to see Jordan take up the mantle Monty and Harper left behind and become the new moral compass of the group, even barring that, I would have been more interested in watching this man-child explore a world that was bigger than the space of the Eligius ship. Opportunity was squandered there and we’ll never get a return on the investment we made. 

Worm Number Two: Prime Schmimes

Along with Jordan holding on to Priya’s mind drive comes the need for another host and I have an idea of where he might find one. As I’ve mentioned in my YouTube videos and Twitter threads, they don’t make people Nightbloods for no reason. You need look no further than the Griffin ladies to see that: Clarke, Madi and Abby were all made Nightbloods (born or created) to further storylines and Echo (Ash) will be no different. Although she was spared the privilege of hosting Simone, she is currently the only available Nightblood we know of. Russell is also aware of her status and in the finale he quite clearly states that he wants revenge. He may not be able to bring his family back, but all it takes is one mole in the works to help him achieve that, and he has at least two (Jordan and the adjuster — not to mention the possibility of all of the Children of Gabriel who were brainwashed as well). It would also be revenge for Ryker at the very least — his mother’s mind hosted in the body of the woman who murdered him. While Echo does have the neural mesh (she entered the City of Light as well) and has not been exposed to an EMP, we learned in this episode that Russell was careful to examine Abby before he put Simone’s drive in her — to ensure that there was no failsafe. It’s entirely possible that they can shock Echo with an EMP and implant Priya’s drive and further move Russell’s revenge plot along. After all it was love that drove Gabriel to create immortality, what will love drive Jordan to do?

Worm Number Three: Skynet? Is That You?

Some foreign line of code has managed to find a home in the Eligius ship’s hard drive. While trying to save Madi (and we’ll discuss that in a bit), they essentially crash the Flame, allowing them to remove it without the need for the passcode. While this is happening, Madi and the Dark Commander are fighting a bitter battle for control of her body. I believe that — if one isn’t paying enough attention — it’s easy to say that the reason the Dark Commander disappeared from Madi’s body is because they removed the Flame, but I’m going to hazard a guess that he — like any other virus — realized his removal was imminent and adapted to the situation, leaving Madi’s brain and uploading himself into the Eligius computers. 

What does that mean for Season 7 and how will we see him return? Yana Grebenyuk (@yanawrites on Twitter — make sure to watch this space for her finale write up!) postulates that we might actually see him in two places next season! As a rub to Diyoza, who laughed at Gaia teaching Madi how to control the Flame (anyone remember what Gaia says during this scene: “A mind can’t be in two places at once”) Yana speculated that she might actually be trapped with him in the, wait for it, past! We know that the anomaly deals with time and space and we know that when Octavia went in she was gone for some time. Now it seems we have an estimate on how long. Hope is at least 20 years old when she stumbles into the tent and she and Octavia clearly know each other well. As Hope embraces Octavia, stabbing her — much as Clarke did with Finn — she tells her “He still has her” when Octavia asks about Diyoza. Hope’s appearance is very much Grounder-chic and it would also tie into why we learned about Indra seeing the Dark Commander once when she was young. 

Further, with his consciousness now uploaded onto the Eligius ship there’s no limit to what the Dark Commander might be able to get up to now. Maybe this is the true beginning of Terminator’s Skynet. With all of that being said: it is rather disappointing that, even with the close of “Book One” a part of the series’ final struggle will still boil down to the Grounders. It’s been 131 years, two nuclear apocalypses, a new planet and a new cult system (the Primes) and we still can’t seem to shake them. It feels like the show should have been called “Grounders” instead of “The 100” for the amount of focus given to them and it’s disheartening. At least for me. 

Worm Number Four: The Little Whipping Girl

Clarke, my poor girl. Bradbury may be Bellamy’s middle name, but hers is definitely suffering. This season we’ve watched Clarke be isolated both physically and emotionally from the people she’d once called friends. We watch her put herself out there and have a bit of fun, only to wind up almost kidnapped and taken to the Children of Gabriel. We watch her die, fight viciously inside of her own mind to survive, almost die again, be revived by Bellamy and then realize that while she was dealing with that struggle, her child was losing her own mental battle, and then we watch her lose her mother.  

No one person should have to be strong enough to deal with all of that loss and yet Clarke manages it effortlessly every season. We know (thanks to Executive Producer Jason Rothenberg’s Hypable interview with Selina Wilken) that Clarke will be dealing with the grief of losing her mother as Season 7 begins. While I am grateful that she is being given the opportunity to do so, because grief is something that is so often rushed through on this show, I am also concerned about how this will affect Clarke’s issues with isolation. For six seasons now, Clarke has consistently been on the outside of the group looking in, due in large part to her status as lead, forcing her to be the character we follow around to each new location and each new group. Although Jason notes that Clarke will be perhaps even more protective of her family with her recent loss, I don’t necessarily know if the show has the chops to make that work. 

It doesn’t help that her best friend (script confirmed) Bellamy now has his own issues to deal with, which leads me directly into...Worm Number Five.

Worm Number Five: We Call That….Regression?

Many of you reading this initially found me via Tumblr or Twitter or YouTube, all places where a huge part of my online persona is my love for and defense of one Bellamy Blake. He has been my favorite character from the moment he appeared on the screen in the pilot episode and I have been in his corner ever since. We’ve watched him, over the course of six seasons,  mature, moving past the unhealthy relationship he’s had with Octavia since her birth resulted in both siblings carrying a weight they were too young for, growing into a man who left behind the self loathing and resentment of the past and stepped into the self love. If you’d’ve asked me yesterday what my favorite arc on The 100 is, I would have replied without hesitation “Bellamy’s character arc!”

I’m no longer sure I can do that. After the events of last season, which culminated in Octavia putting Bellamy in the pit alongside Gaia and Indra and forcing them to fight to their possible deaths, burning the farm Monty cultivated and then forcing her people into battle out of necessity, it seemed as if Bellamy was finally ready to separate from the lifelong co-dependent relationship he shared with Octavia. The Season 6 finale has appeared to effectively erase that growth in one fell swoop. Just a few episodes ago we listened as Bellamy told Octavia she was still his sister, but she could no longer be his responsibility and this episode we watched as Octavia was stabbed and misted right out of Bellamy’s arms and into the anomaly. The season ends with Bellamy calling Octavia’s name as the anomaly recedes once more. 

In post-finale interviews (again see Selina’s Hypable link above) Jason is clear that finding Octavia is a huge part of Bellamy’s drive in Season 7 (going so far as to compare it to Bellamy’s desire to save Clarke in Season 6), and while I can admire, respect and even understand a brother’s desire to find a lost sibling, it’s a huge walkback (literally almost 360 degrees) on Bellamy’s arc since Season 1. What is the point of watching a show, seeing its characters evolve and grow and change and mature if, in the final season, we watch them revert back to who they were in the pilot episode? Will Clarke always be a girl who’s lost a parent abandoned on a new world? Will Bellamy always be nothing more than his sister’s keeper? Will Octavia always be hidden away somewhere? People aren’t watching television shows to see characters wind up where they began. We watch for the hope that our current situations (whatever those may be) won’t last forever. That growth can be permanent, that who we are now doesn’t have to define who we become, but as we head into Season 7, I’m not entirely convinced The 100 is aware of that. 

Worm Number Six: Madi’s Mad as a Hatter...or is She?

Madi’s plot is perhaps the only one that was wrapped up (even as the Dark Commander clearly continues his nefarious deeds elsewhere) but it was done so haphazardly I was left unsatisfied. We have watched Madi deal with the Dark Commander in her head all season, we’ve watched as she’s slowly folded under his control and we watched her break when it’s revealed that Clarke is dead. It does make sense that learning Clarke is alive would bring her back. What doesn’t make sense is how swiftly that’s dealt with. It took the Dark Commander days or weeks (I’m unsure of Season 6’s timeline right now) to successfully set up a home in Madi’s brain and simply seeing Clarke threaten suicide (and also — what a message to send to...lots of people...I understand that Clarke went through a lot this season, but even with the loss of your mother, even with the potential loss of your daughter, you can still fight) was enough to snap his hold on Madi almost immediately. 

It’s not realistic. I can understand the need to bring Madi back into the picture, but I think it might have played a bit better if the struggle was more prolonged, perhaps even something they needed to put her back into cryo until next season to discover. Unfortunately the choice was made, and a plot line that bit significantly into others ended with extreme prejudice in about two seconds flat. 

Worm Number Seven: Make it Make Sense

(The above image is NOT edited.) The constant will they, won’t they of Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship needs to end now. Even as Jason tells fans that we (as a collective unit) all misunderstood what Bellamy’s drive was in saving Clarke (again see the Hypable interview linked above), he tells EW that "There were a few seasons in the middle of the run where we didn't know, we legitimately were on the bubble and were always trying to engineer something that could possibly be a series ender and a season ender, you know? I have for a while known thematically and like you say, in a general way, what I want the ending to be. I knew what I wanted it to feel like, I knew what I wanted it to say."  

When you look back on the middle season finales (which for a seven season run would be Seasons 3-5) Jason has been crafting a very clear endgame, and that endgame is Bellamy and Clarke, together, facing their next adventure. 

Season 3 ends with Bellamy and Clarke, in the  Polis throne room, standing in front of Lexa's throne. They are united (literally touching), watching their people recover from the effects of ALIE, some wounded (like Jaha), others embracing the people they love (Kabby, Briller, Memori). Clarke delivers the news about the reactors melting down, that they haven't won just yet, and then Octavia kills Pike and walks away. Season 3 ends with Bellamy and Clarke — together — preparing to face their next challenge. 

The Season 4 finale is a bit more ambiguous, because Bellamy and Clarke are physically separated but the notes are still there. We come into Clarke making a radio call and she is speaking to Bellamy specifically. She says "I still have hope" — that call back to the "You still have hope?/We still breathing" moment that sent the Bellarke fandom into ecstatic spirals of joy and — as a ship bursts through the atmosphere — Clarke stands, her breathing quickens, she smiles and she says "Never mind, I see you" and "I See You" (Confirmed by Tree Adams to be written for and about Bellarke), plays in the background.

Even as we watch Clarke's joy turn into apprehension when she realizes that's NOT Becca's rocket and instead says prisoner transport — if the series had ended here, in this moment — it's possible that it could have been Bellamy (and the others) walking off of the Eligius ship and in fact, that was the most common theory during the hiatus: that Bellamy and the others had joined up with the Eligius crew to combat the fuel issue, which wasn't far off. The series would have ended on the assumption that it was Bellamy walking off of that ship, reunited with Clarke and together again, facing the challenge of repopulating a barren Earth (after they dug out the bunker of course) and because we didn't have any updates on the Space Squad until Season 5 premiered, we also would have been left without the knowledge that Bellamy and Ash (aka Echo) were a thing. 

Season 5 ends with Bellamy pulling Clarke into his side, both crying, both leaning on each other (with Jordan in the background) united and about to take on this journey (the discovery of a new planet) — together — again. And yes, I know a lot of people were upset about this ending because Bellamy and Ash/Echo were still a "couple", but again, I want to point you back to Jason saying that he was writing these as series finales and he knew what he wanted those finales to feel like and what he wanted them to say.

The theme of the Season 3-5 finales has always been "Bellamy and Clarke, together, facing the next adventure." and the feeling has always been that Bellamy and Clarke and their relationship to one another are the center of the story, that if the story ends here, Bellamy and Clarke are together. I'd even go so far as to say that the theme of Season 4 and Season 5's finales specifically has been about hope and renewal. The opportunity to do and be better in a "new" place. 

And that’s fine and dandy. What’s not fine is when this relationship is deliberately given romantic beats, framing and lines in an effort to draw or retain an audience with no payoff. Again, people are not watching television for the never before seen plot twists. People watch television for the characters. They stay for the characters. Friends is one of the most successful shows of all time on the strength of the relationships it showcased as an example, and the same can be said for many other great shows. It’s when showrunners forget that, believing that the story they are so desperate to tell is more important than the audience who have given them the ability to tell that story, that everyone suffers. One need look no further than the recent endings of Game of Thrones and Veronica Mars for evidence of that. 

Make the story clear. Make it plain. Your audience deserves that. 

In conclusion, The 100 season finales work better when they are written as series finales. Given the knowledge that he would have one more season to close out the show the way he wants to, Rothenberg leaned too far into the chaos of Episode 12 (“Adjustment Protocol”) and left audiences with a bitter, unfinished taste in their mouths. With only 16 episodes left to satisfactorily wrap up all of the arcs he opened or left open this season, I’m not convinced we won’t be seeing a repeat of Game of Thrones. 

April’s episode rating: 🐝.5

P.S. A Good Worm: 

If you’re like me and you need something to look forward to as we enter the long hiatus before the final season of The 100, think about making your way to Conageddon! Located in Boston, Massachusetts, and this year held on April 3rd-5th,  it is The 100’s only American convention and as someone who’s been before (and will be back) it’s a weekend packed with fun and friends. Tickets haven’t gone on sale just yet, but make sure you watch this space for more information, including cast information and ticket pricing!

[shutterbug-12]

Succession S2E2 Thoughts

Overall: 

Much better than the terrible agony that was the first episode. 

I still want to wrap Kendall up in a hug and transmit some life into him by osmosis. Shiv...I’m sorry, but I know a lot of you really love her, but I...really don’t. I have some sympathy for her, because she is the person made by a very hostile father and a very hostile world. And there is an element of me being biased towards Tom (although I will admit--will list--all his horrible qualities; I’m just glad he has a decent handful of redeeming ones), but Shiv is a pretty cold person (and yes, I would say that about Logan as well, and Roman--them especially--so I’m not calling her cold simply because she is a strategic, smart woman. But I feel like she has the capacity to be a decent person, with a decent heart, but she will never allow herself to be that kind of person. And that’s the tragedy of her for me. 

Her and Tom’s relationship is, in my view, incredibly unhealthy and fucked up. It’s a one-way street, and they could really be so much better, but...I don’t think they ever will be, unless Tom somehow...takes over, but *snort*. Talk about a clown running the circus. Whew. But yeah, as long as Shiv has so much power skewed in her direction and she doesn’t hesitate to use it and hold it over him, theirs will not be a relationship composed of equals, but Tom will continue to think, in his demented brain, that somehow they mostly are? King and Queen? No, no, Tom. Nice try. But you’re not on that level. It’s true that I see very small, slivers of moments when they need each other, but I...have seen...honestly, I can’t remember seeing one moment where it was clear that Shiv really loved him, just that she needed him. And those are very different things, at least for me. My dream scenario is that Tom can work up the nerve to leave her and be with someone who actually deserves him, but...that’s a different show, certainly not this one. So I suppose I’ll have to sit back and watch this trainwreck. 

Actually, I find it interesting to see the relationship between Logan and Kendall, and Shiv and Tom. They are very parallel in some big ways. Logan and Shiv are both very dominant, both dictate the terms of the relationship, both steer it, manipulate the other person at will, are both strong-willed and strategic but can be cruel, and both place their own interests above everyone else’s. They’re the controllers. Kendall and Tom, at least in this season so far (Tom has always been), are the submissive ones, the yes-men, acting at the behest of their counterparts, both very insecure about their relationships with those counterparts, although, granted, Kendall has passed over into dead-eye territory, where Tom has some life left. I can see how being in their position might be at times comforting, not having pressure on them, kind of enjoying the freedom that being submissive and simply obeying offers. And, really, in the dynamics of both relationships, I really feel for Tom and Kendall. Shiv is, of all the children, most like her father, and was from the beginning, but I think she’s leaning more and more that way, which...is a bad way to lean if you want to cling to some part of your soul. So I...am a bit worried about both Kendall and Tom, but I know something’s going to give at some point. In some way. So I’m...interested. 

One last thing: what made this episode so much better than the first one, for me, is the attention paid to the absurdity of the characters and their lives. That is the glory of the show for me. When it tries to get me to truly sympathize too hard with characters who, by and large, are not very sympathetic, I...am very turned off. Because we’re talking about uber-rich douche-bags who only care about themselves and their power. The only sympathetic characters (and even the moments when sympathetic characters have sympathetic moments and aspects) are ones who show motivations other than power grabs and greed. BUT, when the show highlights the absurd nature of...this entire palace drama? It’s at its height. Its at its best. This episode had a ton of that, and I was very grateful for it. The Vaulter dude was always a great vehicle to highlight some absurdity, and he came through here. Greg, of course, highlights the absurd aspects of Tom and the Roys in general. Connor himself. Amazing. The absurdity bouncing around in this episode made it so, so much better than the first one. 

Overall, B+ episode. 

As I watched: 

Oh, yay, the theme park! Been looking forward to seeing these parts. 

Beavis and Crackhead. Nice.

Aww, MM, you’re getting gray and it’s so...weirdly cute. Damn it. Also I can watch you try to get popcorn out from between your teeth with your tongue all. day. long.

Hmm, Logan listening to Shiv. Roman sees what’s happening. He’s not as stupid as he seems. Which we knew, but it’s nice to see. 

Mondale! And the Mondale voice is back! Tom & Mondale might be my favorite friendship on the show. 

The amount of time Shiv spends looking at her phone instead of talking to and listening to her husband is...pretty fucking sad. She LITERALLY walks away from him when he’s talking. Cool. 

“It’s not really a thing.” UM. WUT. No it’s a huge thing. One partner wanting to fuck other people, while the other one clearly doesn’t really want to is...a huge thing. And not talking about it is going to make everything worse, but sure, okay, continue thinking it’s not really a thing. 

Oh god, it’s kind of painful, how hard he’s trying to...rationalize that he’s okay with everything about their relationship. And trying to like...show he’s ready all the time, always down to fuck, just in case she was wondering. Heh. You can see the insecurity just coming off him in waves. 

Ha. I’m sorry, writers, but...an American wouldn’t say “cheeky” like that. Someone needs to check the British-isms. But it’s nice to see even a show like this mess up. ;) 

I mean, yes, this is a drool-worthy penthouse, but settle down Tom, or I’m worried you’re literally going to start fucking the sofa.

One of these days, Tom is going to actually...not roll over like a submissive dog. Maybe. 

*sings* Tom and Greg, together again, wheee! Tom and his punching bag. Tom, you better watch out, because at some point the bag is going to punch back. 

Um. Tom. I’d go easy on the creepy sexual metaphors. You can’t quite speak with the...disgustingness of Roman. Please stop trying.

LOL Name me one principle. Although, god, this is the ugliest side of Tom. How willing he is to compromise himself for advancement. He’s honestly...kind of a whore sometimes. And it’s his least appealing aspect of his character (his most appealing, of course, being his handsome, handsome cute face). 

By the way, non-Americans, real Americans don’t throw around this many “fucks.” And we don’t constantly speak in sexual metaphors. Granted, I’ve never been among these kinds of...terrible people, but still. 

OMG, her name is actually CYD PEACH?! Wow. No wonder you’re a badass bitch. With a name like that, who wouldn’t be? 

I kind of like this news lady, talking to Tom like the moronic asshole he is. Her sarcasm is just oozing out of her and I love it. This was such a great scene. 

Rough first day, Tom. But, hot damn, is he actually motivated to do...real work? Color me interested to see how this goes. 

Gerry, you’re amazing. You might be one of my favorite characters. 

IPAs that looks like run-off at the car wash. Ahahahahahha. Great line. 

OF COURSE CONNOR HAS AN EMAIL BULLETIN. Actually, Connor might be one of my favorites, too. He represents the most what I like about the show. The absurdity of it. It’s when the show strays too far away from pointing out absurdity that it gets...not nearly as enjoyable. 

Another great example of the absurdity: The conversation between Roman and Connor about the president. 

Ha, yes, Roman invited you to dinner because he’s learning your game, Shiv. He’s learning, against all odds, how to 

You did a thing. Mazel Tov. Another great scene with Roman and Tabitha. 

Oh, Tom, baby, you’re so nervous to...talk to your wife. Heh. That’s kind of sad. And ahahahhaah, you still think you’ve even in the uh, line of succession (too on point?) for CEO. Oh, Tom. You idiot. And, Shiv, you are...you don’t think Tom should get the big job, please. Come on. I wish she’d...be truthful about how much she wants it, at least with Tom, JFC. But honestly isn’t really in her vocabulary, so... ALSO, RAWR. Let me say how SHOCKED I AM that Shiv gets turned on when she thinks about herself being powerful. She gets off when she literally has Tom by the balls. Shocker. Shocker. 

AHAHAHAH, GREG’S APARTMENT SHOPPING. YES. LOL. THIS IS GREAT. Greg is the best. AWW, DID KENDALL JUST GIVE GREG AN APARTMENT? AWWWW, KENDALL! Aww, that awkward hug was probably the most physical affection Kendall’s had in...a long time. LOL. OMG KENDALL WANTS TO BE BUDDIES WITH GREG. YES. 

Oh boy. The most awkward dinner in history. Tabitha is so chill. OH NO, TOM AND TABITHA ALONE IN A ROOM. YOU SHOULD TRY SWALLOWING SOMETHING. OMG JKFDL;AJFKLAFJKSA;KJFDL. AHAHAHAHA. YEEEESSSSS. I like when the relatively powerless characters make a cutting power move. 

NOTHING IS WRONG WITH HIS BODY. DON’T YOU, EVEN. 

Okay, seriously, y’all stop making fun of Tom so hard. Jfc. My heart is going out to him here, honestly. Tom can be a dick sometimes, but this is cruel stuff. 

OMG OMG OMIG OGMD OSALJFSAL;FJSK TOM I’M SO PROUD OF YOU. I’M SO, SO PROUD OF YOU. FOR TELLING SHIV TO FUCK OFF. YES. I’M SO DAMN PROUD OF YOU. DKFLS;FJDKSAOMGGGGGGG. It’s nice to see the tiniest hint of backbone. 

Oof, this is what Tom and Shiv call “talking”? Meh, yeah, Shiv, you need him. You need a stable presence. You need a loyal sounding board. You need a yes man. Their relationship is so fucked up. Yiiiiiikes. They’re pretty much the WORST at open, real communication. 

Oh, boy, oh, boy. Poor Greg. Kendall, you dick. Making this your drug party. Ugh. I’m so fucking disappointed in you. (I’m still pulling for you, though.)

Guh, yeah, the scene in the car with Shiv and Gil...these kinds of scenes really show Shiv’s ugly side. (And Gil’s for that matter.) People needing the upper hand. People shitting all over each other. People needing to be right. 

Logaaaaaan, you’re such a dickheeeaaaad. A manipulative, awful dickheeeaaaad. Although, what a great line: make yourself at home. In...daddy’s office. 

Jesus, Kendall, you need a real car, man. 

AAAAH, IT LOOKS LIKE THE HUNTING EPISODE IS NEXT. AWESOME. 

[theemichelleb]

Slim Thick & D.O.P.E.

I barely know where to start with this one… Weight loss has always been a sticky subject for me, especially when it came to my self-image and the perspective I’ve had of myself (but that’s a topic for another week). Looking back on my journey I realize it was a sticky subject because I was self-conscience and unaware of how DOPE I was.

I won’t say weight gain is something that runs in my family, but I have definitely had my struggles with fluctuating weight and not really having any control over losing or gaining throughout my life, it’s always been something that just happens to me and I go with the flow… it is what it is. In 2018 I had consciously decide that wasn’t good enough anymore because I really did not want to accept that getting older indefinitely comes with gaining weight when you don’t take care of your body and respect your temple.

It was easy when I was young. Growing up, “active” was my middle name: I played basketball, touch football in the neighborhood with the guys, dancing, stepping, double dutch, running track, and really anything that kept me outside; if it could be done I wanted to do it. I don’t know how much I weighed before, but after my father passed I went up to 160, I was a little thickums with chubby cheeks.

Once I got into High School and started walking more and dancing I dropped the weight, got a little taller and managed to remain at 145 until I went into college. Like most freshman going into college I gained the freshman 15 (which was really more like the freshman 25), but it looked good on me (looking back now). Even though I had gone over 160, I never realized I had built more muscle and I wasn’t truly fat… even though I thought I was… just a little thick.

After graduating college when all the physical activity stopped is how and when adulting really hit me. Within 2 years after graduating I had made my way up between 185 and 190, which honestly still wasn’t too bad, but I started to feel the weight gain. I was in a stressful work environment and honestly hated my job. I felt like I had wasted 5 years of my life working for a degree to not even use it, I didn’t see a way out of it, and on top of all of that I was back in Richmond where I did not want to be dreaming of living back in the DMV area where I’d be closed to my boyfriend at the time and my friends. There were so many things not going the way I wanted them to, and my body showed that.

I went through a bit of an emotional roller coaster through the summer of 2015 and had dropped down to 175 in an unhealthy way to say the least, but I was happy that I had finally thinned back down a little. Before I knew it, I was on the path to move back to the DMV, still working a janky job but it was bringing in good money and handling everything I needed it to handle so I took the opportunity and went back to where I thought I was happier.

It’s amazing the things you think will fix all your problems… and then you get it and it doesn’t. God will get your life in perspective real quick with those moments.

After moving to Maryland in 2016, I took a rather quick nose-dive and lost control with my cravings and bad eating habits. It was horrible on my pockets and even worse on my body. 2016 was not a friend to me in many ways, and it showed in how I moved day to day. From struggling financially, to losing friends, and fighting to stay on my feet; I didn’t know what was going on. To top it all off I had blown up to 230lbs+.

In 2018 God really showed me that he had more planned for me than what I had been doing for the 2 years prior. Moving in with my sister was the BEST decision I had made after having two less than desirable roommate situations. We’re sisters, so of course, we get on each other’s nerves but I just want to take a second to thank her for all the amazing things she does and how she’s help mold me into the woman I am today.

I have watched her struggle with her weight as well, but I’ve always admired her for how confident and self encouraging she is every step of the way. I’m sure she was going through things that we didn’t always see on the surface level, but most specifically from May of 2018 until today I have watched her change her life around and really push to lose the weight she’s always wanted to lose.

Talk about a D.O.P.E. queen, she not only started on her journey alone she pulled me and one of our roommates into her journey with her. Now, I won’t lie, we haven’t dedicated ourselves to the degree she has but she is definitely my inspiration to keep pushing even when I don’t want to. The greatest tidbit she’s given me since our journey’s started May of 2018 is the dedication to making a lifestyle change and not just “dieting”. We don’t need to diet, we need to be healthy, and my commitment to living that healthier lifestyle was influenced by her.

There aren’t enough words to express how proud I am of my big sister and her milestone of losing 57 lbs and 34.25 inches!!! She is still pushing forward and I know she isn’t stopping anytime soon I just pray I live up to her amazing example of what it is to be a D.O.P.E. black woman and providing support and encouragement to all the other black women in her circle and whom she comes in contact with on a day to day basis. You are truly amazing and all of the hard work you put in does not go to waste. You are a bright light in my life and I’m grateful to have a sister like you to beat up on me and push me to be a better version of myself everyday.

Since May of 2018 I have successfully dropped down to 205 lbs, I’m maintaining my weight loss, and am so excited about my growth and my dedication to living a healthier lifestyle. Next stop, 190! The most important lesson I have taken from this part of my life is loving myself in all forms no matter how “ugly” I may believe I am at any low point I hit. Being D.O.P.E. is becoming a part of my life and I owe that all to the women in my life, like LaToya, that have seen it in me for so long and have been behind me every step of the way since I’ve decided to walk in my truth.

If you’re on a weight loss journey, I’m here to say keep going! Don’t give up when it gets hard, don’t doubt yourself when you don’t notice results, and remember you didn’t gain the weight over night (somebody wise said that to me once). Lean on your support system, but don’t forget to be your own support system and motivation. Figure out what will convince you to keep moving towards your goal and remember you don’t have to do it all alone!

I know my biggest set back when trying to do most anything is doing it alone. The thing about being alone is there’s nobody to put a mask on for. When you fail it’s on you, but failure isn’t a bad thing, it’s just the thing that tells you it doesn’t work that way. Try a new way and next time you may get a different outcome. It’s okay to be afraid of working out alone, but do it anyway. The only person that has to live with your decisions at the end of the day is you… don’t be miserable if you don’t have to be, and don’t give anybody else the power over making yourself happy.

I know I’m not the best role model when it comes to exercise, but be better than me… be more like LaToya. Make yourself go to the gym 100 times… and when you reach that goal, start for the next hundred. Find a nutritionist and a personal trainer, find a gym buddy, plan out your meals, choose to stick to an eating schedule… whatever you need to do, do it NOW.

One of my best friends recently said to me “progress not perfection.”

Any step forward, is a step in the right direction. Don’t let ANYBODY take that from you.

Be D.O.P.E. Black People!

[legitimateluffy]

just some thoughts and reflection about 2018 and some hopes for 2019

2018 has honestly been a very very bad year for me and for a lot of reasons. My mental health had gotten worse with the stress levels from my final year of high school rising to new levels, with constant freak outs and negative thoughts going through my mind. And it was fucking awful, with my negative thoughts becoming more constant and more negative as time went on. Especially since it felt as if I had no support from others.

But I managed to build enough courage to tell some people almost exactly what went through my mind, which resulted in mixed reactions from people. I already know that there’s a high chance that some of those people will read this and continue to observe my actions and words here because it’s already happened. My words will be wrongly interpreted and discussed as they have been in the past. At first that made me feel trapped and restricted, like I have to carefully watch what I say and consider if what I’m going to say is going to be taken the wrong way or I’m gossiping about people/things. However I should be allowed to talk about my feelings. I should be able to discuss my thoughts. Because I’ve learnt that piling them up and keeping them to myself is unhealthy for me and I have to think about myself. I am allowed to be selfish sometimes because I matter. I should not have to constantly worry about what other people think because honestly?? if people wanna talk about me then that’s their problem and not mine.

Of course, I won’t go into details for respect of people even though I want to talk about things. There are a few people that I’m so grateful for that I may never really see again but I’m so thankful for the kind words and actions they’ve given to me that I wish I could make it up to them before we disappear from each other’s lives. But rn I don’t really have irl friends anymore  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (except for like one) and yeah, I can already feel this being taken out of context

Things that I wanted to succeed at, a majority of them I didn’t. Things that I did do really well in were things that were not important to me or school which frustrated me greatly throughout the year. And a lot of the time, I let things bring me down when I shouldn’t have let them. Thoughts and actions made me feel worse about myself and I have never hit such a low point in my life than I did this year. When I tried to make an active change in my life with some things, such as attempting to get fit again, I failed to keep at tit after trying for a small period of time. And yeah, it really sucked and upset me, I’m still disappointed in myself that I failed to continue pushing myself since I constantly ask myself “what would I be like if I had kept going?”. Hopefully that can change soon. BUT, while a good 99% of 2018 has been horrible to me, ever since I finished high school, with my final exam, I’ve felt better about myself. Whether my negative thoughts were a product of 13 years of school, being surrounded by immature teenagers for years upon years in a stupid system or because of how I am, I don’t know. But I haven’t had negative and bad thoughts about myself for, I’d like to say over a month. Little steps I’ve taken have already improved my health, physically and mentally. I drink a lot more water now which I know is honestly the tiniest thing to some people and isn’t even worth talking about as an achievement but it has made a difference to how I feel. I used to constantly feel so tired and exhausted every time I woke up in the morning but now I don’t feel as bad. Sure I still suffer from some sleeping problems but they’re not as bad as they once were. Sometimes those thoughts that have been a normal thing before, I immediately counteract those points to myself and repeat over and over again why that bad thought is wrong. I don’t know how or why it’s worked but it has and I’m so glad that so far, it has worked. 

My art, which a lot of the time I downgrade because I’m not satisfied with it has also improved, especially in the last month or so I like to think! Am I at the level that I want to be at? No. But that’s okay. I’m allowed to be where I’m at, regardless if people younger than me have far superior art skills in my belief. But again, that’s okay. To me it may not be that great, but to someone else, it can be. I’ve had someone this year that is somewhat in the industry say that they believe that I’m a confident artist, and while I may not necessarily agree with it, it made me feel incredibly happy to get a compliment that they off handedly said about my work. 

I know it’s really cheesy and probably naive to believe that “new year, new me” but I really believe that 2019 will be a big change for me. I will be starting university which I’m quite excited for! Being with people that have the same passion as me excites me greatly, especially since I don’t have to deal with people who don’t like the class and are doing it because they have to. And while I find it highly unlikely that I’ll get into a relationship, or anything close to it next year, I feel as if I can move towards that goal of dating a girl. I’m hoping that once I find new people, I’ll grow into someone better than myself and someone I’m truly happy being.

Some goals that I want to work towards are:

Becoming fit again like I used to be

Creating a webcomic of some kind. While I don’t believe it will be very good, I want to use it in order to grown and evolve my skills as an artist

Openly trying new things

Become more impulsive, and doing things without constantly contemplating when and how I should do things. I want to be more of a doer than a thinker

Find additional things to love

Becoming more comfortable with my sexuality

find a girlfriend

2019 will be a new chapter of my life, while 2018 ends one. I hope to look back here in a year and be happy at the progress, no matter how little it may be, I’ve made.

[mootmuse]

So I have a little pet peeve when it comes to the setup of some post-game fics in the Detroit: Become Human fandom. It’s a pet peeve that maybe says more about me than that setup itself, but I thought my perspective on Hank and his issues might be useful, or at least interesting. 

Discussion of Hank’s issues follows, particularly his desire to self harm and a maybe less obvious way that can manifest (specifically, Hank’s eating habits). This also briefly mentions his suicide attempt. Proceed with that in mind. 

So! Hank's alcoholism comes at least partly from a desire to hurt himself. That much, according to the scene in the park, is canon. Personally I mentally extend that into his eating habits, because I remember feeling that way about food myself - like, eating badly might do the harm to me that I couldn't bring myself to do in a more direct way. That part is headcanon but there's also the fact that, even drunk enough to have lowered inhibitions, Hank's suicide attempt (except the one later in the game, which was in sort of exceptional circumstances) takes the form of russian roulette, where he can tell himself he's not doing it directly. He even says he doesn't 'have the guts to pull the trigger' which is an aspect of his character I bring my (much much lighter) experience into, where like, you want to do shit to yourself because you feel like you deserve it, but you feel like you're too 'cowardly' to actually do it.

So when Hank says he doesn't 'have the guts' to pull the trigger I can't help but interpret that line by applying my own version of that feeling to it. And to have a complete picture of that feeling we can’t only consider deep dark violent stuff like hank's drinking or hank's worrying level of comfort with that gun of his - to get a complete picture of what I understand that feeling to be we’d have to consider how that feeling would permeate his life, even in ways that seem relatively innocent and small.

So: food. people yell all the time about eating healthy, about how unhealthy eating will kill you, so I imagine Hank's eating habits satisfy his drive to self harm in two ways:

- the physical, where when he eats bad shit he thinks it's going to give him a heart attack or whatever some day, which satisfies his drive to self harm without being so direct that it puts on alert that part of him which wants to live/is afraid to die.

- And it satisfies the urge to self harm in an emotional way, where in general our society ridicules and thinks less of people who don't make any attempt to eat well. So if Hank doesn't eat well it helps him think things like 'i'm a shitty person for eating this hamburger' - which isn't something he'd think consciously, and would probably rant about if someone actually said to him, but like I said, that feeling would permeate even small parts of the way he interacts with the world so eating badly feeds, in a small way, his self hatred, which satisfies the urge to self harm.

Food is also, like the alcohol, a substance that helps him feel better in the short term, with even fewer obvious negative side effects. It briefly, in a small way, quiets his urge to self harm in a way he doesn’t have to fight himself to achieve, and it actively boosts his mood. Comfort eating is a powerful fucking thing, especially in a situation like the one I imagine Hank’s in. 

So when I open up a story - and I’m not talking about any story in particular, I haven’t read every dbh fic there is but from what I’ve seen this is pretty common - When I open up a story and one of the first things it says is that Hank’s on a diet now, and the audience didn’t see any work getting put into that, it’s just assumed that it’s happening now, it grates on me. Stories tend to say that it’s happening because Connor lovingly nagged Hank into healthier eating, sometimes even limiting Hank’s alcohol consumption, and the first thing that gets to me is the fact that it always feels like Connor’s the person pushing that change. When those coping mechanisms tie so closely into Hank’s issues, Hank would have to be the one to decide to change those habits. 

Fics that have Hank eating better because Connor pressure him into it mean well, and I do like what they’re trying. They’re trying for a post game world where Hank is recovering, where he has a family and is treating himself better, and I love that! It’s a worthy goal and definitely a good thing to frame as A Happy Ending. But his habits come from his issues, and the assumption that someone else nagging him is what solved all that - and the assumption that this happened before the fic even started, that the process of Hank beginning to treat himself better is so much of a non-process that it’s not even worth writing or reading, that it’s just how things are when the real story starts - sometimes gets to me. I WANT to see Hank eat better - but I want to see that because I want to see the slow painful process of Hank coming to want it himself - and wanting better for yourself is its own struggle, one that I’d love to see given more attention in fics with Hank in them - and I want to see the long process of him trying to construct alternate healthier avenues to channel his issues into. Because that would be necessary too. 

Honestly I am interested in the idea of seeing a scenario explored where Connor worries at him to drink less and eat better until Hank agrees without understanding why he eats badly, without addressing the root issue behind that behavior and without constructing alternate coping mechanisms. I don’t think the attempt would go well. 

Also I have to be honest, the idea of someone nagging anyone to eat better is inherently a little infuriating to me. I know not everyone resents being told to do shit as much as I do but I can’t help but bring that into it XD But mostly I just want to see this aspect of Hank’s issues treated as one head of a labyrinthine hydra of issues (shush, the mixed metaphor works - you cut off the bad-eating-habits head without struggling to navigate the rest of the hydra’s complex and toxic innards, just shut down one aspect of it without dealing with with the beast as a whole, and that one head just grows back angrier), because that is more meaningful and inspiring to me than seeing it assumed - or so goes the impression I get when I see Hank’s quick change in eating habits put in the story as a tiny, seemingly unimportant detail - that being better is just a switch Hank can flip and now he eats better because this one person is around, and that change was simple and easy and not really worth incorporating into the rest of the story. 

Feeling as Hank does about himself would take a lot of long term work to come back from. It would take him a lot of long term work before he even wanted to come back from it, and until he starts doing all that work his issues are going to bleed into maybe-unexpected facets of his life. It just gets to me a little when I feel like that’s been overlooked or treated as a quicker, simpler matter than it is in real life. Hank’s shitty eating is important to me. It feels silly to say, but there are deep reasons behind it. 

[maxinemade-blog]

Transitioning is Hard

(Summer 18′)

Transitioning is hard. I am a constant wheel in motion. Constant realization & change. At the moment things are stagnant, or at least for me. I have started to soak up the sun, which apparently, I need. My peeps aren’t getting up for the sun these days but for electronics. As much as I’d like to enjoy them outside, I am here with you. 

My life as of late feels like a constant struggle, a quieted scream if you will; If I don’t start somewhere, I am going to continue to wake up every day holding a swell of tears in. I don’t believe any of us will be here forever and so while I am, I want to continue to work at it & push forward. It is hard for me currently to stand still. The problem is there’s a super volcano beneath me, and I’m not talking about Yellowstone. There is so much people don’t know that goes on below the surface. The result I’ll tell you is an emotional shell of brokenness…. You go to bed drained and in your head there’s a battle you ignore. People don’t get it. 5 weeks off a year (no weekends) & “I’M” expected to hold this family together on my own?

It’s been a challenge of change & acceptance I could only accomplish by disassociating my mind from my own troubles. I suck at it, but I try because I was a people pleaser & that often means you ignore yourself.

I do want to run to the ones I love the most, but they have their own stuff and I prefer them coming to me anyways. I find when I’m deep in mud I feel better pulling others out of it.

Transitioning isn’t hard from the standpoint of moving forward and bettering yourself, it’s more about discovering who you want to be and where you want to be and somehow getting there. It’s being that person to others “until” you get there. It’s about being transparent and being okay with that. It’s being okay with your voice cracking and not holding back if it’s keeping you honest. It’s being you when people try to fit you in a box. We are here for Jesus, not ourselves. Deep down we know this & need to remember it. It’s discovering pieces of your soul and removing the idea that all people don’t care. Understand that people could share in your growth, but the point of duality is being there for people who aren’t there yet, because the point is not to let them pull you into their storm but to pull them into your peace. I am good at caring for people who don’t have a care for me, not so much at letting people who love me pull me into their peace; the ones who do rarely reach out these days. If I don’t ever feel enough to accept what I might deserve that’s probably why. Plus, I’ve got so much unconditional love to give I might as well be the one giving it, right? My unconditional love has covered asses of events and people who may have broken me, but I chose to forgive them anyways; understanding that they too have brokenness within them. I’d forgotten my job was to pray for them for a moment because I’ve wanted people like myself around and got upset when I couldn’t find them (empaths), but I do it now unconditionally knowing those who haven’t reached Jesus yet need it the most. If you don’t do this, toxic energy produced by others will eat you alive and continue to make you the victim. I refuse. People have been breaking me since I was little. I listened to people when they said to bow instead of getting up and beating the holly hell out of them. Sometimes I stuck up for myself but walking away was always the best answer. I don’t know why I allowed so much static.

I am in school now and I am learning ways to better help others & myself. I don’t need noise, I need love. Support follows love. Unconditional kindness follows love. Sincerity follows love. I need love; you need love. Learn to embrace love. Stop trying to fit it into a box, stop trying to please all the wrong people, stop trying to love the people who don’t love you and start letting the people who love you in. The people you try so hard to keep in your life that make you feel like you’re hard to love have gotta go!

See…. this is the hard part about transitioning, because sometimes your heart and mind are in a battle to restrain you from moving forward. Like E. Y. Harburg says, sometimes the heart wants roots and the mind wants wings. This is because birds were not meant to be caged. Staying bitter about the things that have caused you hurt while continuing to stick around people who hurt you will wilt any birds colors and song. Girl, you can’t grow in the environment that makes you sick! How many times will you remind yourself? You get confused when people you love leave because you think that means something is wrong with you. It’s a lie. We live in a society where if we don’t conform, fit in a box, or you walk the line, it’s hard to find real peace & love, yet we seek it with our misguided hearts and with the use of our broken minds & souls. They shouldn’t be so broken.

Hurt people hurt people & the hurt in you accepts it. This is all while people spill their expectations on you… We lose our voice and don’t speak out or cry for help when we need it. Instead we internalize more brokenness that we can’t use to heal ourselves. We spill from empty cups to heal others. This makes us sick inside, physically sick, yet, we must ditch the negative energy to lift the fallen and for a fair shot not to fall ourselves. Don’t climb in that hole again.

It isn’t easy. I have been working on layers of hurt for way too long. My schooling has brought a lot of it to a head, but also realizing I could have died a few times in the past & trying to be grateful to be alive now even in sickness is a challenge. Fighting depression, anxiety and paranoia among health issues has been trying to say the least. However, this year I have given up on some people that would have normally made me crawl into bed and cry for months, but I didn’t do that; I don’t do that anymore. I hold on to the tears & repress, repress, repress. I’ve developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I fight them every time I have an opportunity to use them. I think about how far I’ve come when I look at my tattoos that stand for covered pains, and although unfinished, I’d like to think I am the same; unfinished; a work in progress, and so, I’ve embraced my scars.

I grew up with a suicidal parent whose immediate family committed suicide. It was not often but I have realized she was crying for help, and the times she didn’t, those times were probably the hardest (I wish we’d been close enough that I could have helped her). I’ve realized people normally hurt others when they are hurt and not necessarily because of you. Whether or not this is true in your story, it’s no matter because the more you internalize it, it will hurt you & no one else. In 50 years it all  may not matter; the people who may have hurt you could cease to exist, and you could still be carrying that hurt. I know I say this, but I carry it myself. I can’t any longer. I love so deeply, but I push away everything that loves me, even once, even a little because I’m afraid to lose someone else I care for. Time to move forward from this.

I grew up in a nice little town with some history. My heart was & is in the sticks…. I spend 90% of the year inside. I spend the last 5 weeks out in the sun with my kids because I finally could. I feel much better getting into nature and giving my mind time to think. I never have time to write but I need to more often. I’ve been going through a lot and I talk to myself as an older mentor, sister or mother I always wanted… but maybe there’s critical thinkers out there who are non-biased, non-judgmental that may want to bounce ideas and thoughts off of one another. I need to let people in but I need people around who are fighters, who have gone through some things, who like to help others, who have hurt and have always tried their best to get back to it or to work harder to reach their goals.

Let’s help each other through life possibly?

ME

[tomoreadsandlistens]

Cold Sun (Ryo Nagamo Remix) Sung by Aimer "Just what are the words that I've piled up meant to protect? If I can face my weaknesses, I'll no longer have the need for tears, But if these days consist of nothing more, Than repeating 'Farewell, farewell', it would be so sad; Nonetheless I'm still looking up to the sky, Even now I'm still looking up to the stars"    One of my favorite occurrences in life is when I'm randomly introduced to music that I didn't expect to obsess over. Aimer started out as a very low key musician, in which was only the beginning of her career, minimally; she refused to show her face. Her music was mysterious right from the get go, so it made sense that Aimer didn't show her face for the longest time until her music became more popular. Some of the first videos of her that are out there is her behind the mic but her back is faced toward the camera, singing some of her hit songs acoustically. So in this sense she was slowly but surely building confidence to show herself.    Aimer is very well known for her low, husky voice, which developed as a result of an accident she had at 15, but nonetheless recovered her ability to sing. To be honest, her vocals are very recognizable and feminine regardless of her accident. Her voice is beyond beautiful. Some of Aimer's earliest work is mostly jazz, and a part of me feels that she should still incorporate this in her music. Unfortunately due to contracts and Labels, it can guide certain musicians in another direction. Granted, I love all of her pop music, but her jazz is just incredibly unique. Perhaps blending the two genres is something I'd hope she would consider.    In recent years, Aimer has been collaborating with other musicians throughout Japan and has really built up her career phenomenally, especially featuring her songs in anime. Her latest album came out in 2016 and has been touring since then; that is the only album I have not heard by her at this time. First Listen:    In summer of 2012, I was spending the weekend at my friend L's house. She wanted to introduce me to an anime she'd thought I'd really like and has been catching up with. Once we started watching episode one, I was hooked immediately. The anime is called Natsuyuki Rendezvous. I highly recommend watching it if you are invested in slice of life, involving a ghost in the plot twist. The ending theme song is what captured me the most out of watching this anime. The song is called "Anata ni Deawanakereba~Kasetsutouka~" which translates to "If I Haven't Met You, Summer Snow, Winter Flowers". This song really captured the tone of the anime, getting you into the bittersweet mood of what was about to unfold each time you finished an episode. At the time, this was the most beautiful song I've ever heard in my life. It was also at the time the most relatable song, while I was in the middle of an on and off relationship that was unhealthy.    This song was too good to be true. As soon as I could I went on my computer to listen to more songs by Aimer. Right then and there being introduced to Aimer brought out such a different sound in the JPop realm, I knew she would make it big down the road. Not only did I have this song on repeat, but she created much more music that was just as worthy to listen to, and I've had played on repeat; for YEARS. Best Album:    I have to be honest, my favorite album by Aimer is her mini album, "Dare ka, Umi wo". For some reason, some of her songs that are remixed in this album is some of the best material that's out there, some that are better than the original version of the song. There were also "newer" songs at the time that really made you feel like you were dreaming. The song tracks are aligned perfectly for the mood you're looking for. If you want to be transported into a dream-like surreal weathered dimension, this mini album is perfect for you. Best Song:    If you recall on my Eiko Shimamiya post, I've mentioned how I've listened to a particular song for years and eventually realized another song was better material. That's the same dilemma I have with Aimer's music. For 6 years my favorite song by Aimer was "Fuyu no Diamond (Re Echoed by Genki Rockets)" which is a remix version of the original "Fuyu no Diamond". Other known as Winter Diamond in English. The sensation of daydreaming is real when listening to this song. It feels like you just took in a bittersweet love movie flick and are watching the ending credits, but literally reflecting on all of the feels you just endured from watching said movie. That's what this song feels like. I had it on repeat at least 400 times according to ITunes.    However, in 2015 I downloaded the "Dare ka, Umi wo" album, and that's when it all changed for me. "Cold Sun (Ryo Nagano Remix)" is derived from the original song "Cold Sun" from her album "Midnight Sun". As soon as this remix started playing I was instantly mesmerized. The vibrations of this song is remindful of how I spend my early summer mornings in the cold, crisp air for a short amount of time. The cold colored hues of the earth and sky collaborating; this song really knows how to display this vision realistically. If cold summer mornings had a sound, it's this song.    I can't even begin to say how many times I've cried to this song. From the get go I felt like I was time traveling to places and experiences that I was reflecting on. Even what was going in my life at those current moments, this song was describing me. In fact, this occurrence is so frequent that I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I can pin point a couple of experiences I've associated this song with and have played repeatedly throughout this time frame: •In 2015 I was seeing someone (who we will call Baymax), who I actually went to art camp with when we were younger but we lost touch for years. One day in June of that year I was at my friend MS's house with a couple of other camp friends, and out of the blue MS wanted to reach out to Baymax when she realized he was online on Skype. We all video chatted with him for a while, but it was incredible for the time how much he grew into a "man" from when I last saw him. We hit each other up as soon as I got home from MS's house and from there on we knew we were into each other. Late nights of phone calls, sometimes video chatting, and actually spending time in person romantically it was too good to be true. Throughout the summer it was such bliss, feeling like finally someone understood me and cared about me.    I barely harassed Baymax. I didn't want to feel obsessive with him and we weren't even official with each other still. I didn't mind giving him all the space in the world, but the problem was after 4 months he wasn't as engaging as he was with me originally, and I finally asked him where we stood. He backfired at me and assumed I thought he was leading me on so he wanted to end it with me. All I wanted was to talk things out with him, not with half assed responses. I felt like I couldn't get everything off my chest. If this was already spoken out in person or over the phone I wouldn't have felt the hurt I did that day, and ultimately suicidal from assuming I fucked up.    The way he handled it was not ok, but I'm grateful that I have been dating someone for a year now who I'm madly in love with and couldn't be happier. •In 2016 I moved to Florida from the north. I drove myself down with my two cats, and my entire life packed in my car. I had started a new life away from a long, ongoing toxic situation; but I knew I needed to move away for the better; to better myself mentally and physically.    My cat (actually named) Joey was finally reunited with me after being separated for a long time. He had inflammatory bowel disease since he was 4 years old and was put on medication for years until he was weened off because my grandmother felt the medicine was unhealthy for him. I had no knowledge of this until I moved when I took him back from my grandmother. Ultimately he lasted over a year without medication and was on a strict diet until his death. However, whether it was the right thing or not by my grandmother, Joey was the happiest cat I have seen in the longest time. He played with my other cat (which he never did; he was very independent and grumpy), played with toys and was physically and mentally healthy for that one year.    When I realized he was getting sick from sudden weight loss and threw up blood, not only was history repeating itself but he was very old. The last thing I wanted to do was make him suffer like he already had majority of his life. I remember the day I brought him in to be put down like it was yesterday. I watched the sun rise as early as 6:30 am with Joey next to me. I took as many pictures of him as possible and cuddled him close. Around 11:30 am was when I brought him to the vet, and was put down by 12 pm. My face was pressed against his when he was given the shot. I heard his last breath and I became hysterical. I definitely got snot on his face but I'm sure he would've forgiven me. I held his body for about an hour until I couldn't bear it anymore. Just writing this out is really difficult for me but my point is this song was all that played when I put Joey down.    This song is about facing your weaknesses. If you face it, you would be able to walk on; move forward. You don't need to know a right or wrong answer to overcome your situation. As long as you overcome it and move forward, time will eventually heal your pain, no matter what direction it goes. Your weaknesses will disperse because you know how to overcome it. Acceptance and perhaps forgiveness is all that it takes to move on. Be the bigger person. Follow your gut.

English translated lyrics can be found here

I apologize for the lengthy post! I also hope you enjoy her portrait I made which also can be found here

Until next time~

Tomo

[fusonzai]

Salvation through writing #1

I was fourteen when I first realised I had a body.

As with most things in my life, it was a girl I liked who brought me to this realisation. Her name was Kirby (yes, like the Nintendo character) and I was on my very first date. I thought she was cute, she thought I was chubby and had no reservations in telling me. I’ll never forget that moment. I was suddenly aware that I was being perceived. By both the at the time kind view of myself, but the less positive view of those around me.

It didn’t feel nice.

I had been taught that fat was bad, fat was unattractive, fat was unhealthy. Other people didn’t treat fat people very nicely. In fact, calling someone fat was a sure fire way to win a primary school argument (probably even high school ones). I had an obese family member but I never really registered an opinion on him. Some people were fat; he was one of them. I didn’t really care, not because it wasn’t my own body, but because I hadn’t learnt that social cue yet.

Did you guess that things didn’t go too well with that first date? You guessed right.

However once Kirby told me what she thought, the concept of fat and skinny had begun to cement itself. It’d take me on a rollercoaster throughout the next 14 years. A rollercoaster I’m not sure I’ve gotten off yet. After the date, I was left with this new sense of self identity. I didn’t really know I was viewed by other people as chubby until then. The thoughts stung, so I pushed them aside as best I could. It was summer holidays and I had online friends to play games with. Then puberty hit.

During that summer break I shot up some 10 centimetres. There was no change in my lifestyle or diet, I just got taller. I also got very skinny as that 50kg frame was now stretched out.

Walking down the stairs of my best friend’s house, his very frank older sister exclaimed something like “Elliot you’ve gotten so skinny!”. I had forgotten Kirby’s comments from about 6 months earlier and asked, “Wait I was fat?”

Of course, as soon as I said those words, the thought from six months ago had sprouted into a full fledged complex about being perceived as fat. I went back to school and received more of the same. Teachers, friends and even family exclaimed at the change.

A constant thought ran through my head. I was skinny now, I wasn’t before but I am now. Judging by people’s reactions, skinny was cool. People liked skinny Elliot more. Alright. That’s me now, that’s me, skinny Elliot.

I formed an identity around this, I was happy to be called skinny. I had just recovered from being fat apparently, and fat was bad. So, the opposite of fat must be good?

(17 years old, whatta time)

A newfound interest in alternative rock and everything that inhabited that genre didn’t help. The Front men of these bands were skinny, the girls around me liked these men, so shouldn’t that be what I need to look like? I didn’t know who I was yet. I didn’t have a sense of self identity. I needed to imitate what was around me to get by.

It started off fine enough, a high metabolism meant I didn’t need to actively do anything to be skinny. It got significantly worse for a period though. In an effort to mimic those Front men, I’d buy these progressively tighter jeans until I was shopping in the women’s section. Something about fitting into these skinny jeans messed me up. I was weighing myself in the morning and at night, feeling disgusted when I weighed more in the evening and then relieved to see it all disappear in the morning. I relished in getting sick once. Losing my appetite meant I was sub 50 kg if only for a few days. For context, nowadays even if I’m at my leanest I’m still at least 70 kg.

The skinny phase came and went fortunately, I found self worth in other things and I wasn’t as obsessed with what my body looked like. At least for a time.

High school ended and after what felt like forever, university began. Everyone was trying their hardest to look cool. What was cool? Apparently it wasn’t skinny anymore, I needed some meat on my shoulders.

I was starting to wonder then what constituted a masculine body. My relationships weren’t going well, I didn’t click with many of my peers and the girls I liked never felt the same. I misconstrued personality flaws, miscommunications and just general incompatibility with physical attraction. My body and my body was to blame. I needed to not be so skinny and I also needed to be so ripped my abs were showing. This physical remedy could solve the spiritual ailment.

It’s easy to see now that I wasn’t wondering about the constitution of masculinity at all, I was just trying to adapt to what was around me once more . I was still unsure of my own place and trying to fill in the blanks with whatever seemed right.

And so, like many a gym rat, the disgust with my own body led me into the gym 7 days a week. Motivation was never a problem, I never had to force myself and still don’t. The reasoning for going may have initially been less than ideal but the enjoyment was real.

At the beginning, it was all positive, I was eating a lot better, I had found this new confidence in myself and found something I could do for myself, by myself. I didn’t tell anyone about going to the gym for the first year or so. I wanted it to be mine but more narcissistically, I wanted everyone to notice.

Results came and gradually everyone did notice, however this once positive direction turned into something more warped. Intense feelings of resentment and shame sprung up. Movie stars and friends of friends looked better than me, why? What were they doing that I wasn’t? Why wasn’t I there yet? How could I fuck this up? Why can’t I do this one thing right? Why can’t I have this one thing I’m good at?

I had these thoughts on the verge of social media (like Instagram) blowing up, so I wasn’t bombarded everyday with comparisons. I worked through it and I’m grateful to this day for that. I wouldn’t have survived the media assault on my insecurities if it had all happened now.

(Friends and birthday crepes helped me through it all)

I’m writing this as a way to both understand and reconcile the actions I’ve taken in the past. Instead of thinking of them as mistakes, treating them as learning curves.

Firstly, this initial obsession with being thin stemmed from my aversion to being labelled fat and the identity I thought I gained from not being so. I found a place in a group, I felt I belonged because I looked the right way. Not because we had similar interests, upbringings and personalities, no it was because we looked so similar. Whilst I was never scared of being rejected by the group, I was afraid of losing my place. It seems ridiculous now, even if it meant the world back then.

The rebound to the opposite end of the body image spectrum was a private one, yet still stemmed from this lack of identity. Being twenty years old trying to piece together what I wanted to show to the world, wanting to alter how I was perceived. I thought that people would like me more if I looked better. Changing my physical appearance for the perceived approval of those around me just felt like a loop of my teenage years. Like all experiences, you glean what you can and discard the rest.

I mentioned how this was a rollercoaster that wasn’t over. I don’t think I’m done figuring out how I want to be perceived because it’s both something uncontrollable and something ever changing. That image can flourish or it can deteriorate, which direction it goes in is about the only thing you can control.

(A lot of time later)