#i think i'd feel better if there was a communicative & nicer ending. i'd still be sad but it'd be easier

[bunnihearted]

.

[llycaons]

came to the conclusion as I have several times before that I am simply not cut out for my job. I am bad at it, slow and a poor communicator and passive and easily overwhelmed. they said it would take about a year (from hiring? or from being on my own? either way) but whatever makes people slip into the flow and anticipate needs and Know The Supplies, maybe I would have gotten it had I gotten the normal training. maybe I wouldn't have. its easy to say 'oh I'm struggling because I'm in a unique situation' and maybe that's true, but I had trouble long before we got the Unique Training part, and then since the training was so different I had trouble with that, to the exasperation of my trainers and co-workers. and it really didn't feel good every day to know you're not living up the expectations and standards of the people around you, to know without a doubt they're all smarter and more adaptable and quicker-thinking than you.

I'm doing okay now since I'm one of the very few people on my unit and they desperately need me, and leadership is covering for my inadequacies by sending me to do easy stuff when I need to get floated, but like...there are team members who are extremely hostile to me and its for good reason! and it makes it worse to know THEY'RE not the ones in the wrong. maybe they could be nicer, but if I truly had confidence in myself, it wouldn't bother me so much.

but I don't know what to do. there is no other job I can do with these qualifications and skills, and no way to leave this city until late next year. and I need this income. I'm going to limp along until I can safely extract myself, but until then, we'll all have to bear it. and it's a terrible thing, to know you're a burden on your team and that you're only here because everyone else has quit. if I thought I would ever actually put someone in danger, I'd of course leave immediately. but I'm doing relatively straightforward cases with very qualified people all around me, and I know the basics to keep people safe at least

I find myself thinking about my strongest critic, who quit a few months ago, and how much my failure to adapt may have led to that decision. maybe it's self-centered; there were many issues far before I came along. and they haven't spoken to even their closest friend here in months, so I think they probably resent this place a lot and want to leave it all behind, and I don't blame them

things have gotten so much better recently because of those staff members quitting and my manager waking up to realize she has to actually support us, and I don't dread going to work anymore, even to float. tho we haven't been canceled in ages 😔 I don't know, I think the true issue is that I just need more predictability and stability in the things I do on a day to day basis. I learn slowly, and I have trouble remembering things. ideally I would find a job where we do a limited type of low-acuity cases every day but still....pays as well? I don't know, I don't know. give this another year then I'm sure everyone will be happy to see my back.

it's difficult to see yourself as incompetent, disliked, and unwanted in your job, and not have that bleed over into your personal feelings about yourself. it's really hard. I think of my failures and the anger, contempt, and aggression that came to me as a result, and it really makes me nervous. we're doing cases in another part of the hospital soon, with different people. it was such a mess last time! why was I so overwhelmed?

it's frustrating. I know I can do some of these cases - even difficult ones like livers and kidneys- and do them perfectly competently. I'm fine in any belly case. I even enjoyed neuro. I just freeze up when I don't have confidence. I don't know what to do all the time! and I need to be in a situation where I do. I don't know how much work I can even do on my end to Not Be Like This. studying didn't seem to help, and I can't study from the internet anyway since every place does things differently.

I've always thought I'd either leave here and then go back home, or stay exactly in place, but I could still stay a year and then just get another job in the same place.

I've always wanted to get higher certification, but knowing the people around me are way more competent without having that, it feels like a joke. a slap in the face. I dont have anything neat to wrap this up with it's just. I've always been so good at school and so proud of that even when I don't have much else to lean on. so this feels really bad. I should contact my EAP counselor today

[windvexer]

Hi,

One thing I think I'd like to have is a large following on Tumblr. However, I also think I am absolutely not cut for the attention it would result.

I don't know if it's a good thing to ask you since I don't know whether you can relate to it, but it's something I truly struggle with. For example, having pangs of jealousy when I see someone posting something I wanted to post myself but eventually don't share... And i don't know how to handle it, since all this is supposed to be enjoyable.

I don't know. Any two cents you may give me would be extremely appreciated!

Hey, bud! I don't think I count as having a big following now, although I used to on original windvexer (I deleted it a few years ago and remade it last year).

Some parts of it suck. The other day a guy replied to one of my posts like, "wow, you ever see someone so delusional that it makes you feel really good about yourself?" (almost immediately took it as a win; I'm someone good at making people feel better about themselves, can't help what form it takes).

Or that absolute pot of unsalted beans that said bless your heart to me. To ME. The audacity. (still not over it)

But you're right. It IS supposed to be enjoyable. None of us should be here unless at the end of the day we can say, "this activity (of being on tumblr) was an improvement on my day."

So, regarding the "ope, someone else posted it first" thing:

I'm not sure that matters. The nature of community is that we are influenced by each other by virtue of being near each other. It is normal, especially in witchblr, for someone to pop up and say, "Hey! such-and-such user made a post last week and I've been having a lot of thoughts about it, this inspired me to also talk about my own commentary."

Or, perhaps more commonly, "Hey! I'm trying so hard not to take over that other post - you all know the one I mean - so I'm making my own to share parallel thoughts w/o talking over other people."

If anything, seeing other people talk about the same thing feels validating to me that my thoughts aren't irrelevant. It makes me happy to see others talking about similar things because it makes me feel less alone! And I like that. And then I post my ideas about it.

It helps a lot to have a community of friends in private spaces to vent to about the bullshit, and to all support each other.

It helps a lot to be ready to examine your social interactions and have a game plan for dealing with trolls.

But, if it makes you feel better, compared to 2015 tumblr things are a lot nicer.

I think if sharing is important to you, then share for the joy of sharing. Personally I think it's kind of hard to get a lot of attention on witchblr unless you post a lot of a specific kind of content, and a lot of the organic stuff people want to share about their interests don't end up dredging up a lot of attention anyway. With respect to the brand-builders out there, you may find that just posting things you like doesn't end up risking all that much popularity.

Oh, and don't forget to take breaks.

[animezinglife]

Sorry I'm not just reblogging you like a proper person but yeah I totally agree with you. Personally I did think Tamlin was a little nicer in book 1 - but he was also less traumatized then. He really craves normalcy in book 2, so he does high lord stuff like he knows it from other high lords.

In the end, they just are incompatible, yes. They both absolutely suck at communication. Tamlin always was awkward with social interactions but they both get worse after UTM. I also always felt like Tamlin got anxiety - or yes even paranoia, which makes sense, considering. And Feyre is all over the place lol. I generally feel the word 'abuse' is used extremely inflationary in online discussions, but I honestly don't think it super applies to Tamlin and Feyre. Like everyone calls him an abuser and even with the shit he did, I really don't quite see that. But I also kinda like him as a character so I'm biased. Considering how the narrative paints it, I totally get why people project their domestic violence trauma onto him. It is all kind of framed that way for sure.

You're fine! Any format of conversation that works well with you works for me, too. There's also nothing wrong with a bias towards a character. I don't have one towards him, but I do towards Rhys and Lucien. I'll inevitably have to face that at some point I'm sure.

I definitely lean a bit more towards your end on the "abuse" thing. I'd nearly put it in quotations in my post, but I do think it's more the manipulation and control--whether fully intentional or not--that made me feel comfortable using the word. It's an inflammatory word for sure and yeah, I definitely see a projection with the fanbase. That said, those behaviors genuinely can escalate and worsen in real life. I don't blame them for it--it's just a different take that I think leaves people with different expectations going in.

Maybe he was a bit nicer--truthfully, I just don't remember that much of him in the first book. It doesn't surprise me that his desire for normalcy goes a little overboard though to the point of over-exercising control in the places he shouldn't. I can't say I'm all that mad at the reason he locked Feyre in the house. I just don't agree with the locking her in the house part.

Feyre's a funny one. Right now, the way she's acting with Rhys almost gives me a little bit of an emotional affair vibe. Personally, I've liked him better than Tam from the get-go, but for someone she supposedly wants to think is her enemy and absolutely sees him as Tamlin's, she really has a habit of spilling her gut to him and finding a lot of comfort with him.

Which, don't get me wrong, is something that can absolutely happen on an unspoken, biological level in real life, but I did smirk a bit when they were having the little three truths conversation when he was taking her to the House of Wind and she just word-vomits everything she's been feeling about her relationship with Tamlin.

Like...girl, that's a lot to tell your not-enemy who at this point in time still technically is your current lover's enemy.

I hate to bring another series into it, but a lot of the reactions to things remind me A LOT of the Twilight era.

I have to be honest: my opinion of Tamlin has somehow not changed at all between the first book and this one. Or at least, it hasn't changed enough for me to even acknowledge. I didn't hate him and didn't love him in the first, and I'm still pretty much in the same spot now.

I'm also not at all new to the fantasy genre and not even new to the fae subgenre. Tamlin's honestly pretty mild in comparison to a lot of what you get in those (especially older books).

Again, a comparison doesn't right a wrong or lessen it, but he's definitely not the worst fictional guy out there, and definitely isn't the worst fae love interest.

[stormyoceans]

weekly show reviews

BL SERIES

between us - ep. 12/12. gotta be honest, any coherent thoughts i might have had just flew out of the window because of waantul. i do think their resolution was incredibly rushed, but it's hard to complain about it when tul was there saying stuff like "can you be my future?" and "i want to be your safe zone". waan never stood a chance. and you know what else never stood a chance? my sanity as soon as waan started to take off tul's clothes, but let's just not go there. it was a nice final episode, where all the pairings got their little moment to shine, but im not sure i'd call it satisfying ;;;;;; overall i think the show as a whole would have benefited from being shorter (10 episodes would have been enough imho) and from taking out at least one side pairing. don't get me wrong, it's not a bad show, i still enjoyed it a lot, but at times it felt pretty repetitive and i think the resolution between win and team got dragged along way too much. the insanely high expectations that everyone had for the show also didn't really help it. still, winteam remains one of the best pairings i've seen in BLs and im definitely gonna miss them.

candy color paradox - ep. 06/08. this is probably the first japanese BL that isn't quite doing it for me and i can't really explain why. despite the terrible things he did, during this episode i found myself being more interested in inami kei and his secret love for his friend rather than in onoe and kaburagi's relationship, which.. isn't good ;;;;;; i still hope the last two episodes will make me come around tho!!

cutie pie 2 you - ep. 04/04. THEY GAVE JAYFOEI THE MOST PERFECT HALF INTERACTION THAT IM GONNA USE TO FUEL MY CLOWNERY FOREVER SO I REALLY COULDN'T BE MORE SATISFIED WITH THIS. like it happened with the show, i still found jay, foei, and nueasyn to be the most enjoyable part of it, but i actually ended up liking this special significantly more than the last couple of episodes of the main series, maybe because there was more communication between lian and kuea, so im glad it happened, even just so i could say goodbye to the show with nicer feelings towards it!!! i also really liked the way they shot the last scene, because it suddenly felt more like a korean BL rather than a thai one, but im not an expert on this, so i could just be talking out of my ass ;;;;;;

history 5: love in the future - ep. 05/10. somewhere in this there's a plot i really like (time travels are the kind of things i tend to enjoy, just like timeloops), so it makes me incredibly sad that i can't quite click with this show. dai zhe ni and hai yi are a bit too chaotic for my taste, and there are some old tropes that i was hoping we were moving away from. im enjoying the side pairing a bit more, mainly because i find wen hsen very charming and adorable when he drops his composure as soon as huai hen isn't there to see him, but they still suffer from some questionable writing, especially in this episode.

i will knock you - ep. 11/12. PAIN SUFFERING TORMENT AGONY ANGUISH. CAN'T BELIEVE EVEN MY FEEL GOOD SHOW COULDN'T ESCAPE THE 11 EPISODE CURSE. of course noey doesn't really mean what he said and im pretty sure someone (maybe thiw?) said something to him to make him change his mind in the short time it took thi to talk to his mom on the phone, but IT STILL HURTS AND THEY WERE SO MEAN TO HAVE THI DANCE ALONE IN THE END CREDITS. THEY BETTER GIVE THEM THEIR HAPPY ENDING OR I WILL RIOT. im willing to forgive some of their crimes only because they gave me a hint of side lesbians AND THAT'S EVERYTHING TO ME.

individual circumstances - ep. 03+04/08. im honestly not sure how i feel about this show ;;;;;; i do spend most of the time being frustrated and yelling JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER at my screen, though, so.. maybe that's not good ;;;;;; i do like the use of the novel as a way to mirror their story and give us a glimpse into woo jae's thoughts, however most of the time i find it hard to sympathize with him. the interactions between the manager and yeon woo in ep 4 were actually far more interesting and entertaining to me ;;;;;;;

my school president - ep. 08/12. THESE KIDS CONTINUE TO BE UTTERLY DELIGHTFUL TO WATCH AND GIVE ME INSANE AMOUNT OF SEROTONIN. OH TINN'S FANTASIES, HOW I'VE MISSED YOU. however, as funny as they are, i appreciate how the real moments he shares with gun always end up being better and more significant for their relationship. they really have one of the healthiest dynamic i've ever seen and are probably gonna ruin me for any other pairing because now im just gonna expect the same kind of emotional maturity from all characters in existence. win and sound also have me by the throat, but then again i always enjoy a good enemies/rivals to friends to lovers when it's done right. sound also quickly climbed up my list of favorite characters and i think his friendship with gun is really cute. GUN AND HIS MOM MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS SO GOOD IT MAKES ME TEAR UP EVERY TIME. i just hope tinn's mom is gonna be as understanding when she's gonna find out that tinn lied to her (which, btw, i don't blame tinn for: if a kid doesn't feel comfortable and safe talking to their mom, then that's on the parent, not the child).

never let me go - ep. 07/10(?). palmnueng is making me rabid. benchopper is making me rabid. this entire show is making me rabid in ways i can't really explain. i do understand the criticisms about the plot, but i personally don't mind the island getaway: when set roles and social classes play a big part in a relationship dynamic, having the characters being placed somewhere where those kind of rules aren't as strong is a pretty common narrative device to put them on a more equal ground and bring them together. i also think they are gonna pay the consequences for it, because im pretty sure that sadly tanya is going to die, which will make nueng reject palm, so im willing to overlook some stuff if it means letting them have some temporary happiness. or maybe im just biased because i find every single dynamic in this show incredibly compelling ;;;;;;; im pretty sure the final kiss is gonna enter my list of favorites of the year because it was SO GOOD and i absolutely loved the parallels with their first one.

the new employee - ep. 06/07(?). GROWN ASS MEN BEING CUTE AND IN LOVE WILL ALWAYS BE SUCH A WEAKNESS FOR ME. "do you want to see my cat?" is also quite possibly the best pick up line i've ever heard. im very glad it didn't turn out to be an euphemism ;;;;;; something tells me that the reason seung hyun wasn't hired is probably linked to what's making jong chan looking kinda worried when he's at work, so i wonder how they're gonna deal with it. viki is listing only 7 episodes instead of the 8 on mdl, which means the next one is gonna be the last and im not quite ready to say goodbye to them.

GL SERIES

gap - ep. 10/12. the final boss made her move so IT'S TIME TO KILL AN OLD LADY. in an unexpected turn of the events, nop has also become the most sensible character in the show. who would have thought. i do wish mon and sam would stop defaulting on running away and getting jealous as soon as an issue arises, but im glad they actually managed to communicate this time around. and i do think they got married (however symbolical it may be) a bit too soon, if i have to be honest, but im also fully aware that there are a lot of things im willing to overlook for their sake. at 49 minutes length, this was also the shortest episode of the series up until now, so it's making me wonder if it's because they cut a lot of teeyuki scenes. im still trying to understand why they even decided to cut them out tbh, but at least we got cher and risa.

OTHER SERIES

dirty laundry - ep. 03+04/06. i admit i liked the first two episodes a bit more, but the show is still insanely funny while also having a solid plot: the mystery of who took the briefcase is well done and pretty entertaining imho. the entire cast is also doing a fantastic job, but i have to admit film in particular keeps surprising me with each episode. maybe it's because the only roles i saw her in before this were eugene in not me and earn in 2gether, but i didn't expect her to be so insanely good at comedy. i love to watch her play as neon and im starting to like her and night together a lot!!!

the warp effect - ep. 07/12. i was expecting what happened to kat and yet it still was incredibly distressing to watch. i do ship her and jean quite a lot, but honestly i just hope she's gonna be okay and that they won't make her change her mind about relationships by the end of the show, because women have every right to just have fun and stay single if that's what they want. i'd actually be okay with jean ending up with tony (if he doesn't turn out to be an asshole too), but sadly i don't have much hope for it. jan and silvy have great chemistry and are doing an amazing job as nim and molly, and the same goes for fluke and thor as army and joe. im not sure if they're going down the asexual joe route, or the joe being side route, but either way it makes sense for him to not tell army about it since army seems to consider penetrative sex as more 'serious'. after what happened it's understandable that he would try to protect himself and his heart again, so i can't wait for army to surprise him (and us) positively on this!!!! a huge shout out to singh and ciize as well, they were AMAZING in that last scene, though i admit it was pretty frustrating to watch ew walking straight into disaster when he 1) knew what he was risking and that he was in the wrong, and 2) could have just talked!!!!! to liu!!!!! IM SERIOUS PLEASE JUST TALK TO YOUR PARTNER MAYBE IT WON'T SOLVE STUFF AND MAYBE YOU'LL BOTH DECIDE YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITH OTHER PEOPLE BUT YOU HAVE TO COMMUNICATE. also there's something shady about liu's boss and i don't like it one bit.

[upsilambic]

♡ 𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐌𝐔𝐓𝐔𝐀𝐋𝐒. ♡ Tag 10 followers you’d like to get to know better

TAGGED BY @myrmyrtheorca (Oh, Myell, this is so late!! I'm sorry I lost track of it!)

TAGGING. Anyone reads this and wants to join in.

✧. ┊ 𝑵𝑨𝑴𝑬 : My name is in no way unique, but it still feels weird saying outright. I'll just combine it with next one down!

✧. ┊ 𝑨𝑳𝑰𝑨𝑺 : Kitt! Which, is related to my name 😅 Anyway, on with the rest!

✧. ┊ 𝑮𝑬𝑵𝑫𝑬𝑹 : female, she/her

✧. ┊ 𝑺𝑻𝑨𝑹 𝑺𝑰𝑮𝑵 : Virgo

✧. ┊ 𝑯𝑬𝑰𝑮𝑯𝑻 : about 1.62m

✧. ┊ 𝑺𝑬𝑿𝑼𝑨𝑳𝑰𝑻𝒀 : bisexual

✧. ┊ 𝑨𝑽𝑬𝑹𝑨𝑮𝑬 𝑯𝑶𝑼𝑹𝑺 𝑶𝑭 𝑺𝑳𝑬𝑬𝑷 : Ahahaha. Oh revenge procrastination, I know you so well. I will get into phases where I am really bad about this, but I'm working on maintaining a healthy schedule. I feel so much better when I have a full night's sleep. Weird, right? My answer is somewhere in the 5-8 hour range.

✧. ┊ 𝑫𝑶𝑮 𝑶𝑹 𝑪𝑨𝑻 𝑷𝑬𝑹𝑺𝑶𝑵 : I do love both. I grew up on a farm, and we always had multiple of each. It was wonderful. At this stage of my life though, I would dearly love to have a cat again.

✧. ┊ 𝑩𝑳𝑨𝑵𝑲𝑬𝑻 𝒀𝑶𝑼 𝑺𝑳𝑬𝑬𝑷 𝑾𝑰𝑻𝑯 : On my bed? Just standard bedding. If I'm snuggling up or napping on the couch, then it's the blanket we call the big bear. It's big, it's brown, it's soft and fuzzy. It's also a Slanket, so it has sleeves, and it was a random gift from Grandma. One day, she up and decided I needed a Slanket. Turns out she right! Grandma was also not someone you could easily say no to,which was how I once ended up awkwardly taking a geranium cutting through airport security. That has nothing to do about blankets, but there you go.

✧. ┊ 𝑫𝑹𝑬𝑨𝑴 𝑻𝑹𝑰𝑷 : Oh, this is a hard one. Just one trip? I love travelling, so I have a long list of places I'd like to go. Machu Pichu would be incredible but I'm not sure if it is open or just partially closed due to preservation concerns, so I'll just think about that one. New Zealand would be very neat. I'd love to see Mexico City. We had a trip to Portugal fall through, so I would like to go there. Pretty much if there are museums and nature to explore, I'm happy.

✧. ┊ 𝑩𝑳𝑶𝑮 𝑩𝑰𝑹𝑻𝑯𝑫𝑨𝑻𝑬 : I....dont know. About a year?

✧. ┊ 𝑾𝑯𝒀 𝑰 𝑴𝑨𝑫𝑬 𝑨 𝑻𝑼𝑴𝑩𝑳𝑹 𝑩𝑳𝑶𝑮 : Well, I was hit by a wave of fandom nostalgia, mostly for KHR and FMA. It made me wonder what fanworks were still floating around, so I made this to reblog whatever I might find. What I happily discovered was that there are still active communities with really lovely people. It kind of makes me wish I had put more effort into making my blog! Sort of like, if I had known I was going to run into people, I would have worn nicer clothes XD It took me an embarrassingly long time to put up a profile picture and even then it's my rhododendron, which has nothing to do with fandom...

✧. ┊ 𝑼𝑹𝑳 𝑴𝑬𝑨𝑵𝑰𝑵𝑮 : I think my go-to, "pagerunner", was taken, so I pulled out another one I had squirreled away. Upsilamba is a word that was made up by Vladimir Nabokov. Azar Nafisi wrote that she associated upsilamba, "with the impossible joy of a suspended leap." Her definition really resonated with me when I read it. I like the idea of finding joy, especially in the ordinary.

[ilikereadingactually]

Picturebook roundup: January 2024

another picturebook roundup, more things that caught my eye on various end of year lists! nothing nicer than coming home after work and sitting in bed reading these while dinner is in the oven, it makes me feel like i have my life all worked out jkldfkljdf

A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to School by Davide Calì and Benjamin Chaud

this is an older one, which i didn't realize until i went to look for it on Bookshop.org and found that it's out of print. as i was reading it i remember thinking, is this a sequel to that one i used to sell at the bookstore that was very similar to this?? and it turns out this is a followup to a previous book, but also this is the book i was thinking of that i used to sell! anyway, i loved it all over again. as you might guess by the title, a child is giving the teacher excuses for being late to school, and the book examines each increasingly outlandish step on the adventure. very funny, charming art, every page turn is a fun surprise! and i always adore a picturebook that has a little twist at the end to tell you what you thought was going on isn't quite what was going on.

age rec: i'd put this in the 3-8 range i think! the sweet spot is that nebulous time when kids start to have an understanding of school, either from preschool or from other books or tv or older siblings, and also are still entertained by zany and impossible and surprising things. if they still laugh at the game where you give blatantly wrong answers to questions, i think this book would be a crackup. also great for adults who still laugh at that game (me)!

a bit i really liked: the expression on this blob's face is a big mood

more under the cut!

***

Bunny & Tree by Balint Zsako

i'm such a sucker for a nice long wordless picturebook! this one is really interesting, and the imagery is delightful. a rabbit and a tree become friends when the tree scares off a wolf, and through a number of exciting transformations, the tree helps the rabbit to find their lost family and in turn the rabbits help the tree settle in a new place and grow a little forest of saplings. it's a bit about individual friendship and a bit about community, and it's very lovely to look at, a kind of painterly art style that's a little abstract but detailed at the same time.

age rec: this skews a little older to me because it's quite long, but the story is itself pretty simple. maybe 4 or 5 on up to adults? it takes a little bit of focused interest to follow the story through to the end, but it's very lovely to look at along the way there.

a bit i really liked: the tree has "eyes" for most of the book and on the cover, but this was the first page of the story where you get to see them, and i found it really striking!!

***

Something, Someday by Amanda Gorman and Christian Robinson

what a lovely little book. this is the kind of thing you give to a kid whose parents are really invested in social change and making the world better, and i don't mean that in a twee way. through lovely and poetic (natch) prose and very sweet collage art (i adore Christian Robinson), a little boy cleans up a heap of trash outside his city apartment and plants a garden instead. what i really love about this is that the specific story is taking place totally in the art; the text is much more encompassing, about seeing something you think is wrong in the world, all the obstacles and ideas and sentiments that get in the way of changing it, the feelings of sadness but also helplessness and anger, and then finally the steps toward change, a bit at a time. this one got me, i cried a little.

age rec: i'd put the target somewhere between 2-5 for this one, though i think the top end of that could easily go older depending on the kid.

a bit i really liked: this is the page that made me weepy

***

If I Was a Horse by Sophie Blackall

i admit, i wanted to read this one specifically because i was a horse girl. not the kind who had a horse or anything, i took a few lessons but had to stop because it was too expensive, but i was absolutely one of those girls who pretended to be a horse a lot (Craig of the Creek really had my number). this book does what it says on the tin--taps right into that childhood desire and makes it happen in Sophie Blackall's signature art style. because of that art style, it felt a tiny bit restrained to me? stiff maybe? but it was very charming and made me laugh.

age rec: maybe 3-6 for this one, and could go older for horse-loving kids. the text is quite simple and the art follows it with fun and pretty straightforward representation, most of the delight is in seeing these what-ifs play out.

a bit i really liked: this was my favorite page, i want to be this horse

***

This Story is Not About a Kitten by Randall de Sève and Carson Ellis

with this author and illustrator team, i knew i would love this book! it's a story that builds on itself, like The Green Grass Grows All Around, about all the neighbors on a suburban street coming together to rescue a stray kitten. another one about community action, i guess i have a theme this month! anyway, the building text is fantastic, and all the people in the art are so different and specific! i want to be their neighbor! and most importantly, the kitten is very, very cute.

age rec: this one feels like it has range to me, maybe 3-7 and also grownups, because i think it has some layers! the basic story is simple and repeats, great for little kids, and the art really adds depth and gives a lot of details to pick out and notice.

a bit i really liked: surprise, this one also made me cry! this wasn't the first page that did it, but it encapsulates the message so nicely

***

My Strange Shrinking Parents by Zeno Sworder

what a beautiful book. the art is absolutely stunning, on the realistic side and really beautiful and soft, and the story really went places i wasn't expecting! as the child telling the story grows up, his parents keep giving of themselves--literally, trading inches of their height for a birthday cake, for school tuition and books, for whatever he needs. by the time their son is grown they've shrunk to Borrowers size, so he builds them a dollhouse and makes furniture to fill it. i found it striking that this allegorical experience, explicitly an immigrant story but definitely more widely relatable too, isn't portrayed as particularly good or bad. it's allowed to just exist as a story. the systemic racism that makes life hard for these immigrant parents is there, very subtly, because this story wouldn't exist in the same way without that--but the story is really about the parents' love for their son, and his love for them, and the lives they all build for each other as best they can. the text and the art both have a beautiful circularity that really makes this one stand out to me.

age rec: there are a lot of quiet layers to this book! i'd put the sweet spot in the 5-8 range, but i think it can resonate at different levels all the way up to adults.

a bit i really liked: i'm obsessed with miniatures, so this page really made me happy

[cultiv8-yourmind]

I call this one, The Slap Felt Around the World

Well how do I even start this one, I mean most people would be embarrassed but clearly my dumbass ain't most people. (Insert shrug here)

It was a beautiful spring day, a school day and if I remember correctly I was either 16 or 17. I hopped off the bus with a ridiculously heavy book bag making my shoulder blades sing Ushers "Let it Burn". I know what yall thinking at this point, yall thinking, "did he come from work after school?", "did he come from his lil eat eat, a.k.a. derber baby house?" The answer is hell naw! I was dryer than sandpaper in the middle of a desert with a camel crip walking. Secondly my dumbass (I was actually smart in the end tho) went to school outside of my community. For those of you who don't know I'm a Humboldt Park veteran, and it's plenty niggas I can tell you that I'm better then, don't believe me just ask a friend but I digress. My dumbass went to school in what was Cabrini Green instead of Clemente which is walking distance. Going to school outside of my community actually saved my life (which is why it was smart earlier) but I'll get into that in another story. Again I digress, you now know why I took the bus with a heavyass book bag. To this day I don't know why I always brought my books home, I wasn't a good student, I ain't do homework, I didn't give a damn about school, which is why it was stupid as hell to torture my shoulders the way I did.

Now I'm in the hood, the sun shines different in the hood, the birds don't tweet quite as loud as they do in white - I mean nicer neighborhoods. As I walk down the street I see people I know, it was still a community then so you knew everybody that wanted to be known. As I'm getting closer to my crib I see the neighborhood cluck. It just so happens that he's a mute that used to gangbang, true story. Anyway he sees me and starts making his usual hand motions and smiling so I dap him up and tell him be safe my nigga, then feel bad cuz he can't hear me; then remember he's deaf not stupid and can read lips. (Enter another shoulder shrug here)

I turn the corner from Augusta to Rockwell and see my lil nigga Freckles. He asks me if I wanna go hoop, I respond with Stone Cold's "Hell Yea" and tell him to wait while I drop off this heavyass bag. I come back outside to see more of the guys chillin on the block and we proceed to do what young hood kids do: stupid shit. Lol. We throw rocks at each other, play burn and catch and kill. I think Freckles wanted to go to the store or sumthin afterwards so we went to Jr's on the corner of Augusta & Rockwell. From there we broke away from everybody else and was about to head to Smith Park. Instead of walking straight up Rockwell like we usually do we walked down Augusta to Campbell. As I approached the corner I had no idea that my life was about to change forever.

As we reach the corner little kids are walking home from their after-school programs laughing and giggling. We see some of the guys little brothers and welcome them to the bush club. It's a very prestigious club that you can only get invited to if your near a bush and can take a push. Lol. I happen to see this girl and her little brother of whom I know the family. Everytime I see them I threaten the sister who was probably 5 or 6 yrs younger than me. It was always funny bcuz she was wit the shits, she would never back down. I always told her brother, who was younger than her that he was Kool so I wouldn't fuck with him. He always laughed and she always told me I was annoying. I'd usually irritate her while walking them home since they were younger and then go on bout my bidness, but noooooooooooooo, white baby Jesus had different plans for me this day. Upon seeing her I instantly jump into bully mode. Her brother was already laughing, which in hindsight I shoulda took as a sign because even tho I'm a funny nigga, I wasn't being funny yet. The sister looked me in eyes and put her hand in my face as tho she was gonna muff me, I tell her sumthin along the lines of she don't want no problems and notice her face was a lil more irritated than usual. Again, another sign, (that was probably black baby Jesus lookin out but my dumbass was oblivious) that she wasn't her usual self. I back up and look at my homie Freckles and ask him, "who da hell she think she is? " I then twist my hat that I'm wearing to look more menacing and gangsta - it didn't work. She looked at me like the woman looked at R. Kelly in his When a woman's fed up video and then proceeded to slap the shit outta me. This wasn't no ordinary slap people, this was a Ryu and Ken from Super Street Fighter 2 slap, this was a "bitch betta have my money" slap. I saw stars in my eyes. My life flashed before my eyes as I watched the spit flying outta my mouf. I looked over to my left since I had been slapped into rightness to see my homie Freckles dying in laughter. He was crying real tears. I then realized I was crying real tears, well one anyway bcuz of how hard she slapped me. I then looked at her with my jaw damn near to the floor and saw she was petrified. She had both her hands over her mouth and was shaking. I looked over again at Freckles for sum kinda emotional support only to get more laughter. I close my mouth and feel my face, the hand print on my face was still warm, I was effectively made a baby back bitch by an 11yr old girl. Before I can say anything I look over to my right again and notice my hat was on the floor, this lil girl slapped slob out my mouf and the hat off my head. I didn't know what to do, it was like she suddenly gave Ludacris the lyrics to his song "Slap". She eventually grabbed her brother and scuddled on home. Her brother looked back at me as they were getting further away, I think he said with his eyes "you got knocked the fuck out! By a girl!" And disappeared around the corner. I eventually picked up my hat, dusted it off and just thought for a minute. I had to re- evaluate life at that moment. I look at freckles and he says to me in his broken English "bro, how you just let a liddo girl slap you like a bitch?" I respond with "I don't fuckin know, I ain't never been slapped that hard! I was daydreaming right? I'm not no baby back bitch right?" He laughs and says no nigga you got slapped like you was her hoe and she was yo pimp. He starts laughing all over again. At this point I had forgot about basketball, hell she probably slapped me so hard I had forgot what a basketball looked like.

2 days later I'm with Freckles and everybody we run into he tells them how a little girl slapped the hat off my head. I can't let him embarrass me so I start telling people how she bitched me, fuck Freckles you slandering midget you! As we approach KFC on Division & California we see the mom of the little girl who slapped me. I saw freckles start laughing and he says, "don't do nuthin stupid or else her mom gonna slap the black off yo ass!" And busts out laughing. The mom speaks to us and I immediately begin to tell her what happened. I tell her, "can you believe your daughter slapped me like I was her bitch? Right here on this cheek. If you look closely you can still see the handprint" and I laugh. She's mortified and in shock, shaking her head. Freckles then adds, "don't forget about the part when your hat flew to the floor too" and again laughs. The mom looks at me and goes no, no no no no! Oh my God she didn't really slap you that hard did she? I'm like yep,I saw stars and you know we live in the hood so you can't see the real ones at night, her hand was my personal telescope. I'm laughing because at this point I was bitched and I deserved it. The mom on the other hand didn't see any humor in it. She told me she was gonna go home immediately and beat her daughters ass for hitting me in the face for a few reasons. One it's simple disrespect to hit someone in the face and two I'm a older male, you don't do that unless you ready to get hit back. I realized she was serious and told her not to punish her daughter because I deserved it, I always bug her and that day she made sure my black cheeks could change color. Her mom still wasn't going for it just outta respect. Eventually I told her if she felt it necessary just talk to her, she did her job defending herself and her brother. The slap was more a message than anything and boy oh boy did I receive it loud and clear! I didn't walk down Campbell for at least the next couple of days due to the trauma. Lol. I eventually saw the little girl and she immediately ran up to me, this time I was ready, my head was on a swivel. She apologized for slapping me and almost cried behind it. I told her it was Kool, I wasn't mad, I was just her bitch for a few days. She laughed and asked if I was sure, I told her it was good she did what she did, it may come in handy (no pun intended) down the road. She hugged me and went home. You gotta love the hood. (Insert shoulder shrug)

[whumpingwithclara-alt]

hey followers (or anyone who cares to read)

I'd love to do a reintroduction but I'll do that once I've hit one year.

~~~

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who's been with me this year. Honestly this has been one of the worst years in my life and I'm not sure when things will get better but thank you to everyone that's stuck around. Who knew a community of whumpy people could be so sweet.

I'd love to give everyone of my followers a shoutout but I can't. I would like to say thank you though to everyone, especially if you're reading this (if you could like the post just so I can see if you read this I would appreciate it. I don't care about how popular it is I just would like to see if there is any interaction with it.)

Just some random special shououts...

Thank you to my first 3 followers who had no reason to follow me but did lol. @cheezbot @deluxewhump @sleepyexecutive

@madrono-but-i-am-not-a-fruit , @kerryrenaissance , @smellofsnoww you guys are (were) always liking my posts, especially my story ones. So thank you so much I love getting the little notification you saw my post. <3

@professional-idiocy thanks for helping me when I first started tumblr it was just nice knowing someone was for and not against me lol

@whumpkinpie I know we fell out of chatting but I really love your writing style and you helped me out just by being someone's who's inbox I felt comfortable with. Having you as a friend, even for such a short time, meant a lot to me

@saintwhumpolas thank you for setting up such a great event for Christmas. This wasn't asked but was done out of kindness and I think that's so cool you spent the time to do that.

@whumptywhumpdump I just wanted to say that whenever I see your interactions with people around tumblr I start smiling. I admire your art and the kindness and enthusiasm you give people

@ashintheairlikesnow I know this was a long time ago and you don't remember this but I was really struggling to get anyone to even glance at my blog and I just wrote a small post about how it was frustrating. You liked the post and reblogged my main story post and I swear my follower count doubled and people were actually interacting with my stuff. It was such a small act of kindness but it literally meant so much to me back then so thank you. You're the main reason I'm still here and didn't quit.

@myst-in-the-mirror last but certainly not least. I don't even know where to begin... literally the best way is quoting Zootopia lol. "Try. Try to make the world a better place. Look inside yourself and recognize that change starts with you. It starts with me. It starts with all of us." You are making the world a kinder and nicer place. You are such an inspiration to so many small creators including myself and the time you give to make people feel special is something I admire and hope to strive for too.

SO ya. Again thank you. Thank you to all my followers who I didn't mention. I truly wish I could talk about how all of you make my day but I don't have the time for that unfortunately.

This is kind of an end of the year post (even though it's January 17th) but I just wanted to say thank you and apologize to everyone for being absent. Thank you for helping my horrible year be a little brighter. Thank you for the hope and kindness all of you show me. I love you all <3

~ Clara

[zakubabbles]

Yesterday when I was at my parents, I was putting away some dolls and going through what I have. I was actually able to pull out five dolls that do not spark joy and instead made me feel tired. Five out of hundreds may not be a lot but it's something.

(Twyla is missing her left arm)

Also:

I got her because she was on clearance, I liked the show, and I could fix her up to be spiffier (to me anyway). But yesterday when I held her, I realized just because I can fix her up doesn't mean I have to.

So I hope she goes to a good home. I know some people have been looking for her, and I'd like to keep her in the doll community, but I also need any money she can get me 😅

While there, I cleaned out a seemingly inconspicuous tote. I found my cap! It's been missing for at least five years! So happy to have it back! Also found some jewelry.

I don't know what to do with all this. I still like some of it, but most I don't care for anymore. In fact, most I never even used. I mainly feel guilty getting rid of it because I'm pretty sure it all came from my mom, but I just don't wear much jewelry anymore. But what if someday I start feeling better about myself and I do want to wear nicer clothes again? Then I'd have gotten rid of perfectly wearable jewelry. Honestly though? I won't miss it. I had completely forgotten most of this existed anyway. More than anything, I'm fearful of it ending up in the trash by thrift stores. I don't think it's worth selling either. Bleh.

[kim-ruzek]

I am absolute trash for Hawkami and Hawkins, but I think it's weird that he's had so much screentime especially compared to main characters like Ritter and Mouch but especially Ritter, who is a POC and part of the LGBTQ community.

Ritter has not had a storyline this season, and we are about 3 episodes away from the finale. He has played the best friend to Violet and Gallo and had a spectacular scene a few episodes ago, but that's it.

As a POC, it's difficult for me to watch Ritter be cast aside like this. It actually feels insulting to the actor and character that Hawkins, a recurring character, has had more screentime and storyline than him. I didn't think anything could be as bad as the way the PD writers treat Kevin, but their treatment of Ritter definitely matches it.

THIS.

Like I am self-confessed trash for Hawkami and I love getting to see them but it bothers me SO DAMN MUCH that apparently Hawkins (cos I can't really complain about Violet getting screentime bc she also deserves that, although it would be nicer if we could get that without it being tied to relationship drama with a white man!) can get some focus and yet there's really nothing but crickets when it comes to Ritter!!!

This week's episode I think we all can agree felt so much more like typical fire than it has been feeling of late and yet STILL Ritter got barely anything. Just once more the gay best friend to violet and gallo, really. I mean it was a slight improvement because we got him having that bond with the kid he rescued but it was very much overshadowed by the Severide parts of it, and it was a role than really, any of the cast could've played.

It's very difficult for me to watch, too. I do truly agree that it feels insulting, especially as a queer POC, to see Ritter being cast aside as much as he has. I love him so much, I find him SO interesting and I think he has so much potential which is so unexplored. Like when I started fire, I heard already that we'd get new people in Gallo and Ritter (who are people I hadn't seen in action via pd ect) so I thought I'd haaaate them because historically, it takes me a fair bit to warm up to characters introduced later on in a series, but with Ritter I bonded IMMEDIATELY with him. And it helps that he is gay and black (both things I didn't know before getting to his introduction) but it was because he was so interesting and played so well. And so seeing him get such a small amount of focus makes me sad and very mad at the show, and does feel like a slight.

Especially because the show chose to introduce him and make him part of the cast. And whereas with Hawkins, they've been clear he was originally just meant to be an obstacle for violet/gallo until they saw the chemistry in Hawkami. Yet he gets more focus than Ritter? It's not that I mind because him getting focus is all around Violet, and I love Violet having a storyline with focus, but it does make me (and others) feel insulted. I'm just hoping the Hawkins drama will be done by the end of this season and then from here on out any storylines violet gets for a while are not about her relationship because as a woc she deserves more than that AND that this will free up room to give Ritter the focus he deserves!!!!!

Honestly this show needs to do better. They need to do their poc better. (Don't even get me started on how we know the only reason violet is getting this focus really is just because she's a woman and they love just making their women have relationship drama !). The future isn't looking good for Mason either; I can't help but get the feeling that he'll get focus while his character is still new then zap he'll be getting the same sort of treatment as the others!

And ouch yeah, Ritter's definitely getting the Kevin treatment and ugh I hate that so much. Like why do these shows hate their black characters so much???

[shinisbestboy]

was bored so I thought I'd try writing again since I liked it so much the first time :)

contains joemaru because there is not enough of them online

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a lazy weekend afternoon.. Joe was at his house, playing video games and relaxing as he ignores all the homework he knew Sara will kill him for later. he ate a slice of reheated pizza from.. last night? a few days ago? didn't really matter, he wasn't letting a good piece of pizza go to waste! he was quite engrossed in his game of Zombie Slayers V3 (return of the Chad plague) that he didn't notice his phone ringing.. it vibrated loudly, Joe needed to pause his game so he could pick it up

"Y'ello? your boy Joe here" he started, as he was a creature of habit. the voice on the other side didn't pay it much mind "Joe I need to talk to you about something" it was the familiar sound of Sara.. she seemed a little stressed from what Joe could tell so he decided to take it more semi-seriously "what's up? you decide to confess your undying love for me yet?" he chuckled.. he sure had a loose definition of 'semi-serious'.. lightening up the mood couldn't hurt tho

Sara huffed, Joe imagined her blushing pouty expression and it made him smile.. Sara always looked her best when all flustered "not that!! ugh, no this is important! do you remember that guy I was telling you about at school? the new transfer boy with the white hair?" Sara explained, Joe tilted his head back as he tried to remember "you mean that Ranmaru guy? kinda looks like a dandelion up top?" he asked "yes that's him! we were talking on the phone and he totally asked me out! like he called it a date and everything! I didn't know what to say, I mean I barely know the guy so I wanted to say no but I panicked! now I have a date *tonight* and I seriously don't know how to tell him I'm not interested!" Sara spoke very quickly, definitely needing to get this situation off her chest.

Joe needed a moment to process the words but this was regular panicky Sara.. he could decipher what she said easily. he hummed "so you need a wingman, huh? then I gotcha Sara! I'm a total love expert, you two will be communicating so hard that he'll forget all about the whole silly date!" Joe chuckled, not earning one in return "don't make me regret this.. just meet me at my place in 20 minutes" Sara sighed as she quickly ended the call. Joe stood up from his seat, pizza forgotten and the game saved, finally something exciting to do! I mean he loved video games but there are only so many hours you can handle killing zombies

after getting dressed and packing his bookbag of the dating essentials, he took his bike and quickly made his way to Sara's house down the road. it didn't take long before he parked his bike on the side of the house and went to the main entrance. Sara was obviously there waiting for him, she let him in so they could go up to her room. poor Sara was a mess.. she wasn't so good at the whole high school romance thing, it's a good thing she had her good old pal Joe! "so.. what's the plan? we getting you all pretty'd up to break his heart or we ditching together?" Joe broke the silence as Sara didn't seem to know where to start "I mean.. I don't want to be cruel! maybe.. when he shows up, pretend to be my dad? or just tell him I'm sick in bed! or uh.. make something up, anything will do! I just can't do it myself!" Sara seemed defeated already, usually problems always had a solution with her but this was way out of her comfort zone, Joe understood how she felt

"if that's all it is, then I can do that no problem! seriously, you don't gotta worry about a thing, your good pal Joe is on the case!" he confidently puffed out his chest, this did not give Sara as much confidence as he intended but it didn't matter. a loud ring of the doorbell could be heard throughout the whole house, Joe hummed "wow.. he certainly got here fast.. time to work my charm!" they both got up tho Joe was the one brave enough to venture down the stairs.. Sara was safe from her hiding spot with a view to make sure Joe doesn't royally mess this up

Joe opened the door to be face to face with the shorter fluffy male, he looked not very well prepared.. he probably rushed to get here just like Joe did.. he looked much nicer in more casual clothes tho compared to the school uniform Joe would see at school. Joe smiled "hey! you're Ranmaru from school, aren't cha? I heard so much about you! I'm Joe" he happily introduced himself, taking the nervous boy's hand and happily shaking it. Ranmaru was a little shaken as he hadn't prepared to see anyone but Sara at the door.. this wasn't what he was expecting at all "o-oh um, yeah that's me" he didn't quite know what else to say to that.. I mean he didn't think anyone really knew his name anyway, he shook himself out of his spout of nervousness tho as he had a mission right now. taking his hand back, Ranmaru tried to stand a bit taller "is Sara here? or do I.. have the wrong house..?" he asked, he chuckled awkwardly.. he would feel very embarrassed if he was bothering a random person right now! he was already nervous enough for this date..

"Sara? oh yeah, she uh.. she's super sick right now! barfin' her guts out, not fun at all. she wanted to say no but she's just too polite, you know?" Joe wasn't the best at lying but by Ranmaru's concerned expression.. it looks like it worked easily "oh no! I had no idea! oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to put any pressure on her like that! I just have these movie tickets, but if she's not free then that's totally fine I don't mind" Ranmaru quickly backpedaled, panicking as he realized he may have been too quick to think it'd be that easy. it was weird since Sara didn't sound very sick.. but he definitely had no right to doubt anything, that'd just be nosy and all

unfortunately Joe's interest was perked "ooh wait, movie you say? what kind of movie was it?" he asked, he knew it might be a little salt on the wound to talk about since Sara wasn't going but his curiosity got the better of him. Ranmaru didn't expect any sort of interest from Joe.. but he took the folded-up ticket from his pocket to double-check "it was just the new Zombie Slayer 4.0 movie, Karen vs Chad Jr.. or something like that. I got these tickets for free so probably not the best--" Ranmaru was cut off by an excited Joe "woah wait, you were going to take Sara on a date like that?? she's way not into the zombie slayer series, I have tried getting her into it! trust me on this one, it wouldn't have ended nicely" he chuckled, Sara, unfortunately, was not the cute 'oh no this is scary, I will cling up to the closest person.. she was more of an 'I brought my katana for this very reason' and the tv is covered in sword cracks because of it.. Joe couldn't imagine seeing that happen in a movie theater, tho it would be a funny sight

Ranmaru sighed "I see.. dodged a bullet there then, heh.." he tried to sound optimistic but this wasn't looking good at all.. I mean first, he hears Sara is sick and now the date he was all mentally prepared for was probably going to flop anyway? a great boost for his ego.. he's glad he avoided the worst-case scenarios but he still wished it could have gone better "well.. I don't want to keep bothering you.." the sheep mumbled as he stood back, ready to call it quits. Joe stopped him "oh wait if you've got two tickets then can I come? I mean don't wanna let them go to waste, right?" it was worth a shot, if Sara wasn't going to take a date with the cute boy then Joe will just have to do it for her! plus he seemed like a nice guy, might as well get to know him, right?

Ranmaru was definitely caught off guard by this "huh?? you want to watch a movie with me?" he blushed, the soft pink on his cheeks was very visible on his pale skin.. Joe thought it was cute "yeah of course! zombie slayers is definitely a best friends movie, you know? come on let's go!" Joe closed the door behind him with a smile.. leaving Sara unable to keep seeing what was happening. "well, what are you waiting for?" Joe asked the dumbfounded male, who was definitely speechless by the sudden change of plans but after a moment he thought maybe this wasn't so bad "nothing.. I'm ready to go" he nodded, catching up to Joe as they left on their "date"

((ooc// I will probably write the rest in a part 2 cause this is already getting so long, tysm for reading, and don't be afraid to send me asks <3))

[rosemary-is-in-pesterquest]

I am so glad that homestuck officially ended before it self destructed. like, the comic proper went out right when it needed to... when everybody loved it, but the fans were also starting to get a bit weary of the long pauses... when everyone was sad to see it go but ready to let it leave.

imagine if it had just stopped there, and then hiveswap and its related material had gotten Hussie's full time and attention, and the team working on that project had been a bunch of professionals who were treated well and got fair time, communication, and compensation for their solid work. imagine if we'd gotten hiveswap at a point in time where everyone could get drawn back into homestuck's world after a fitful rest since the end of the comic... I think that would've produced a real homestuck renaissance. instead, it feels like everyone is just fatigued. either hanging on by their fingertips to the scraps of enjoyment they've managed to find, or totally disillusioned, and done with this shit, and just sitting back to watch the train wreck.

and while I'd never want to blame a victim for their own harassment, I do think that the bad eggs in this fandom who were actually being rude, mean, and hurtful wouldn't have had as much to stoke their fire if everything was managed smoothly from the beginning. if, after homestuck, Hussie had taken a longer break, or even just started a new low-commitment project, or waited to put out the epilogues... I feel like the mismanagement of stuff between Hussie and collaborators could've been due to burnout, which Hussie already seemed to be feeling at the end of homestuck. in my opinion, if that was the case, he should've handled it more responsibly and just taken some time to himself, or lightened his creative workload, just a little, so things wouldn't get this hectic.

idk, I've just been seeing so many people go back and forth with the blame game... the creators of HS2 incited this, or the fanbase acted inappropriately like that, and I just feel like all of it could've been avoided if everyone was just a little more mindful. if Hussie was more mindful of his own limitations, or the needs of the people he was trying to collaborate with... if certain writers had been more mindful of the fact that they were ruffling feathers in the fan community, and tried to keep the peace instead of generating buzz through controversy... if the fans who did participate in actual harassment were more mindful of how they interact with content creators... if everything had come together better on all sides, we might be having a nicer time all the way around. instead, homestuck seems to be going down in flames, and it makes me so sad because I still genuinely love the comic. I wish there weren't so many asterisks and disclaimers to add to my enjoyment of homestuck.

I DON'T HAVE MUCH TO ADD but yah!

[notnctu]

ooh i'd like to request something from the prompt list! 5 + 9, kinda angsty but with a nice ending, slight rivals to lovers with jaemin! it would be cool if they're like, superhero students dispatched into a mission gone wrong? i hope this is okay 😊 thanks ahead of time ☺💗

“hihii! this is the anon that requested the rivals to lovers superhero prompt? i just wanna let you know that if you do decide to write it, you can change the member--seeing that it seems youre getting a lot o# jaemin prompts ahaha 😥 if anything, here are other boys i had in mind: renjun, chenle, or yangyang!! 😊”

thank you for requesting and im sorry it took so long ); i hope you like it !! this is def something different from what i usually write :) 

-author doie ❀

p.s. soft reminder to everyone that requests are now closed. we apologize for the wait and are doing our best to finish them all! thank you for your patience :)

superhero!yangyang x superhero!reader prompt #5 & #9 - “It’s so hard for me to hate you right now.” & “The thought of losing you scares me.” details - fainting, youre in a fire, explicit language genre - slight angst, fluff, rivals to lovers

“yangyang and y/n.” every hope is thrown out the window when you heard who you are paired up with. not that you had anything against yangyang, you two never really spoke often. and you two are not comfortable enough to be paired up for a mission together.

you catch him staring at you, hesitant to approach your standing figure. so you muster all your courage and strut towards him. with wide eyes, he opens his mouth to speak, “super speed.”

you’re a bit thrown off by his direct choice of introduction, not his name or age. just his power. “uh, invisibility.” you cough awkwardly and he nods. why is the silence so piercing?

“listen, i like to work alone so, all you have to do is not get in my way.” yangyang scoffs and flips through the information folder.

“that’s not what a partnership is.” you groan, already seeing difficulties with working with him. superheros always think they’re hot shit and can save the world on their own. no one values collaborative work, despite it being equally as vital.

“i think group projects are a waste of time, i’m not here to babysit.” he blows his bang out of his eyes, scanning the heavy text on the white paper. he isn’t even making the effort to share the information material.

“seems like you’re the only baby here.” you yank the folder from his hands to see for yourself. a small exclamation falls from his lips and he crosses his arms.

“don’t expect me to come saving your ass if anything goes wrong.” he glares at you, taking the folder back for himself.

-

the blaring red alarm rings throughout the industrial complex and yangyang is no where to be seen. if it isn’t villainous enough, you’re stuck in the middle of the burning building. there are so many things that could have been avoided leading up to this mistake.

proper communication with your partner. you two finally devised a plan on how to approach this mission. however, yangyang’s impulsive last minute decision cost you time to leave the building. and it wasn’t like you two have very good impressions of each other now.

you should have jumped out the closest window to exist. but you chickened out due to underestimation of how much time it takes going down the stairs and lack of knowledge of where the fire started.

truthfully, you still had trouble keeping your powers under control. so if yangyang did come back to find you, it would be quite difficult due to you constantly disappearing.

but his statement haunts you, he isn’t going to come save your ass if anything goes wrong. and the blazing fires make everything too hard to see... so maybe, yangyang is a man of his word?

you black out due to the lack of oxygen, hitting the falling floor with a hard thud. the heat encapsulating you all too perfectly, and you accepted your fate.

“y/n!” a panicked voice calls for you, yangyang is dashing between every room that hasn’t been eaten by the flames. fucking invisibility. but he’s too scared to be spiteful, he’s too worried about you to feel anything else. the thought of losing you scares him.

and he hears a thump, like something falling and hitting the ground. he runs, reaching your limp figure within seconds. however, when he reaches down to pick you up, he’s face to face with an empty floor. “now’s not the time, y/n.”

the fires are hot on his tail, so he takes a leap of faith to grab wherever his memory made your body out to be. he feels your arm, and you reappear before him. your eyes are closed and there is no consciousness. he curses underneath his breath as he hoists you onto his back, thanking the universe for the power of impeccable speed.

he’s out of the dying building before you two end up in ashes. the paramedics come, removing you from his care. but he’s following them, “y/n, you better be alive.” it’s almost demanding, as if he wishes he has the power to heal as well.

if he could turn back time to when he derailed from the original plan, he would do it in a heartbeat. to right his wrongs, to bring you back safe and sound. he won’t be able to live with himself knowing he could have prevented you from getting hurt. the fear of losing you has him rethinking all of your interactions.

maybe he should have been nicer, then you wouldn’t have to avoid talking to him. he should have been more open minded, then you wouldn’t have to hate him for being ignorant. he should have been more careful, then you wouldn’t be caught in a deathly fire. 

yangyang’s eyes are heavy with anticipation and concern. “please, y/n. we’re partners, i need you by my side.” his whisper sounds absolutely defeated and hopeless.

with several harsh coughs, you shoot awake on an ambulance stretcher and yangyang gripping your arm tightly. “you.. came back for me?”

“duh! we’re partners. i’m bound to be there for you...” his voice trails off, eyes averting from yours. “i know what i said before, but... you couldn’t possibly think i would let you die, right?”

“i don’t know... you’re the big baby who doesn’t like to babysit.” you snicker, wiping an ashy thumb across yangyang’s soft cheek.

he perks up at your sudden affection and he mutters under his breath, “it’s so hard for me to hate you right now.” he glares playfully at you, just simply happy that you’re alive and smiling before him. he sighs, “you need to learn how to manage your powers. it was like finding a needle in a haystack in there.. except, there wasn’t a needle or there was but it was.. like invisible?”

“i get it! i know. i’m still adjusting.” your own power could have cost you your life.

“i’ll help you with it. we work better together anyways.” he grins.

your eyes light up to his offer, “thank you, for being my partner and for saving my life.” you pat his hand that holds onto your arm still. “i’m sorry we blew the mission, literally.”

but yangyang is quick to shake his head. “thank you for sticking by my shit for all this time. i owed you one.” he ruffles your hair through sweet giggles.

[addictofsupernatural]

Emotions (pt. 5)

Billy Hargrove x reader

Summary: Billy and y/n go to prom together, but some people and things get in the way of the two.

Word Count: 2047

Chapter 1 • Series Masterlist • Chapter 6

"Guess where we're going."

You stared at the paper, frowning. "I've never been to one of these before. It's not on the list."

He flashed you a grin, pulling out your folded up bucket list from his pocket. At the bottom he scribbled the words prom together in marker. "Sure it is. What do you say?"

You stood, holding Billy's hand. He stood as well, and the two of you went to your room. You sat down on your bed and sighed. "That's a lot of people Billy. I don't know how I'll do with a big crowd."

He sat next to you. "What do you mean sweetheart?"

"Everybody's going to stare at me. It bothers me when it's a lot of people."

"Why do you think they'll stare at you? Is it because wearing a dress makes you a lot more cuter?" He teased.

You began to play with his hair while resting your head on his shoulder. "You attract a lot of attention, which isn't a bad thing. It's because you're so pretty, but people look at me funny when we're together. It makes me feel weird about myself."

Billy felt a pang of guilt and sorrow. Though you didn't realize it, you basically told him you feel insecure standing next to him. "Sweetheart, never be embarrassed about yourself. You're pretty damn gorgeous if you ask me, and it takes a pretty person to know a pretty person. So go find yourself a cute dress, and get ready for prom in two days. I'll be your date."

"I've never had a date before." You quietly said.

"Well, you got a pretty handsome first date. You must be special or something." He playfully nudged you.

You giggled. "Something like that."

Once he left, Mike walked into your room. "Hey, so, I know that I always talk crap about Billy Hargrove for being a man whore, but really. Be careful. Even though you're an ass most of the time, I still care about you."

You smiled. "Thanks Mike."

Joyce was more than happy to take you dress shopping, after she heard about the prom from Hopper complaining about it. You got a shoulderless, flowy dark blue dress and styled your hair the way Billy likes it.

There was a knock at the door, and Eleven answered to reveal Billy, in a black suit with a dark blue tie. Max was behind him, and shoved past him to get to El. Billy shook his head and huffed while walking inside, where Hopper looked him up and down. "Just, home by 10. Please. And no bad stuff." Billy smiled and nodded.

You walked out of your room, and Billy was blown away. Damn, you were just too sexy for your own good. You walked up to Billy, smiling as he gently grabbed your arm and put a blue corsage on your wrist. He took your hand and the two of you walked out of the house in silence. "So damn beautiful." Billy whispered into your ear before he opened the car door for you.

When he got inside, you immediately reached over to him and gave him a hug. "You're so perfect Billy."

He hugged you back. "Just trying to live up to you sweetheart." He paused. "Could you actually do me a favor?"

You pulled back and gave him a smile that cause him to unconsciously lick his lips. "Anything."

"Could you give me one of those little braids that you did when you were at my house?"

You giggled. "Sure Billy." He scooped you up into his lap, telling you to continue. You shook your head, smiling wider. "Such a charmer."

When you got there, the two girls in front handed you a ballet. "Vote for prom king and queen!"

You both looked at it. "Huh." Was all Billy said.

"Why are our names on it?" You asked.

"Guess people think we look cute together." Billy said, with his head on your shoulder. You looked back at him, and he looked up at you, grinning.

The two of you had fun together. You laughed, you danced, you took pictures. Though Billy didn't show it, this wasn't something he really wanted to do. He wanted to get you dressed up and make you feel special, but he didn't like how many eyes where on you two, or that the music was too loud to talk to each other. But he made you feel special, and you were a potential prom queen. He knew he would make you feel amazing, so it's worth it.

When they called for the king and queen candidates, it was no surprise to you that Billy would win. He looked back to you, giving you a smile and a shrug. You gave him a thumbs up in return, flashing him a grin. "And the winner for this year's Hawkins prom is... Heather Halloway!"

You smiled and clapped. Though you had to admit that it would feel like a fairy tale if you and Billy were king and queen together, you didn't really think you'd win. It's not like people like you, so why would they vote for you. But still, you were very happy for Billy to get his crown.

Billy's smile was wiped clean off when they announced Heather as the winner. She excitedly got her tiara and was immediately on Billy when they had to take a picture together. Right before the flash, she turned his head and gave him a kiss on the lips. He looked over to you, who was watching this happen and walked into the crowd, where he couldn't see you.

Shit. Shit shit shit! Why did you see that?! He didn't want the kiss. He didn't want her. He wanted you! Where were you now? You didn't leave, did you?Shit!

You walked over to the beverage table, where you saw Jonathan in an old light brown suit chaperoning. "Well, I didn't think I'd see you here." You said with a smile.

He looked up and smiled. "Yeah, right back at you. You look nice."

"Thanks. And you look very handsome in that suit." He let out a breath and looked down. "Need community service hours?"

He playfully scoffed. "Why else would I be here?" You giggled. "So, why are you here?"

"Oh, I'm here with Billy."

"Um, Billy Hargrove?" You smiled and nodded. "Isn't he, like, a lady's man or something?"

You smiled and shrugged. "We're actually just friends. Believe it or not he doesn't make moves like that on me. He's just playful with me, is all."

He nodded in response. "So, where is he now?"

"He was voted prom king, so right now he's dancing with his queen." Your smile became a little more forced.

"You like him, don't you?" There was no disgust or judgement in his voice like anyone else; only pure curiosity.

You put your finger to your lips with a smile. "Shh. I know someone shouldn't have a crush on their best friend, but sometimes you just can't help it."

"Yeah, I get that." He nodded, to which you made a face. He noticed. "Try to be nicer to Nancy. She's different from everyone else."

"If you say so." You shrugged. "I just don't like some of things she says and does." Jonathan rubbed the back of his neck. "Your mom was amazing, by the way. For taking me to pick out the dress."

"Yeah. Even though she's a little tomboyish, she really liked it. It's something that she can't really do with her sons, y'know?"

You let out a fake gasp and held his hand. "Don't talk about yourself like that! I'm sure she would love to go dress shopping with you, if that's what you want." The two of you laughed together.

As Billy went searching for you after the dance, he found you grabbing another guy's hand and laughing with him. Billy figured that he deserved that, considering he had another girl pressed up on him for almost 5 minutes. He crept up behind you and grabbed your arms. "Boo." He whispered in your ear.

You jumped, turning around and smiling so brightly. "Hey Billy. Congrats. Feeling like a king?"

"Feeling like I got the wrong queen." He said, taking your hand. "C'mon."

You looked at Jonathan. "Don't tell Nancy, please. I don't want to hear it." Jonathan only nodded.

Billy pulled you away, and another slow song started playing. You loosely put your arms on his shoulders when he grabbed your wrists and wrapped them tighter around his neck. Smiling, you watched him wink at you before putting his hands on your hips. "I didn't want her to kiss me, by the way. She just did."

You nodded lightly. "You don't have to explain yourself Billy."

"I know, but friends don't lie, right?" You chuckled and nodded. "Speaking of which, who was that?"

"Oh, Jonathan? He's the brother of one of El's friends. He's pretty nice, but he hangs around a girl that I don't like."

He hummed. "And here I thought you were kind and adorable to everybody."

"Mm. I'm only adorable to you. Anyways, she's got a boyfriend, Steve Harrington, and–"

"Ugh, King Steve," Billy interjected. "Don't see how he'd ever land any girl."

You laughed. "He's not that bad anymore. He's nice now. He treats me normally, so that's something." Billy made a tsk at that. "Anyways. She strings him along like a little puppy, even though it's obvious that she doesn't like him like that anymore. But she also leads Jonathan on and keeps him with her at all times. I just feel like she wants the best of both worlds, and that'll end up hurting both."

"What's so special about that girl? She got beer-flated nipples or something?" You both laughed.

"Excuse me." Heather said, grabbing your shoulder. "Can I cut in?"

"No." Billy said.

"Billy, you always play hard to get." She smiled. "Let's dance. Don't you want to dance with a real queen?"

Before Billy could say anything, you said, "How about after the song is over, hm?" She gave you a dirty look, but nodded and left. Billy looked at you miserably. So you did get the wrong impression. You pressed yourself against Billy and whispered in his ear. "Let's get out of here." He grinned. Or maybe you know him better than he thought?

The two of you then got fast food and brought it back to his house, considering Neil was on a business trip for a few days. You both sat on the floor and ate while watching TV and talking. You were sitting in between his legs and leaned on him. "I love this movie!" Was what you said before falling silent to watch Back to the Future.

Billy's mind began to wander to places they shouldn't. He thought about how your chest was snug in your dress, and how looking down at you gave him the perfect view. He thought of your soft hair that lay on your bare shoulders. He thought about your skin, looking so soft and calling for his touch. His mind wondered to how your head was tilted, almost like you wanted him to kiss your neck.

Billy cursed himself for thinking like that. You were friends, he shouldn't be thinking that way about you. What would you do if you found out about the ways he thought about you sometimes. What would you say? Would you still want to be friends? He unintentionally jumped a bit when you turned around. You gave him a bright smile. "Why are you staring at me?"

"You're just so damn perfect, my mind can't help but wander." He breathed out. He didn't think before he said that, but it was out now.

Your smile faded as your eyes flickered from his eyes to his lips. You then said in a quiet voice, "If you get romantic feelings towards your best friend, what do you do?"

Billy felt a surge of confidence as he took your face in his hands and went for a kiss. Billy has kissed lots of girls before, but it was never like this. It was never slow and sweet. It was never this kind of passionate. It was never as special as this.

He felt the warmness of your hands as they slid up his chest. As Billy pulled back, he saw you open your eyes and give him a beautiful smile. "I got a crush on my best friend too sweetheart." He said.

You wrapped your arms around his neck loosely. "So, what happens now?"

One arm snaked around your neck to hold you close to him. "Now I get to take you on romantic dates, and be around each other more, and make out and shit."

You giggled. "So it's how we are usually, but closer?"

He chuckled as he admired your happy glow. "Oh, pretty girl."

"Handsome boy."

"Your handsome boy."

"Your pretty girl."

---

Tag List:

@roxytheimmortal @shane-isa-shame @actuallyazriel @tanovic54321 @chipster-21 @jula-bear @ellie2468 @sassysmiles @frozenhuntress67

[punkscowardschampions]

Savannah & Jac

Savannah: Are you on your way here? Jac: I hadn't started to get ready yet Jac: got caught up doing some prep for our next lecture, haven't looked at the clock in a minute 🤯 whoops Savannah: well thank god, I was hoping to catch you before having to dramatically tell you to turn around, especially if you had happened to be half way to me Jac: Oh? Jac: What's going on in UH tonight? 😄 Savannah: Nothing, which is perhaps why we're the centre of attention Jac: 😬 Don't love the sound of that Jac: what's been said? Savannah: I'm not even sure because the way she was saying it gave me the most INTENSE Catholic school flashbacks Savannah: & I've overanalysed every syllable to the point that it's been twisted beyond recognition so I can't be trusted to reliably relay any of it Jac: Okay, pause Jac: who's being mean to you, and why on earth Jac: Is it that one girl in the next room along from you, because I did think she was someone's little sister so I can believe the immaturity Savannah: I think she was trying to be complimentary about us but I didn't take it like that, I can't, not after everything Jac: Baby Jac: just try to explain it best you can Jac: take your time, and I'll forgive any personal interjection Jac: because I care more about how it's made you feel, than how it was said or meant, really Savannah: she's made me feel like I'm doing this all wrong, exactly how I said I wouldn't, holding you back and being too much Jac: But you aren't at all Jac: what would she even know about it, she doesn't know either of us, even a little bit Savannah: maybe that unbiased outside perspective is what I needed to make me realise the mistakes I'm making Savannah: because it isn't just her, they're all talking about how you're ALWAYS here, how inseparable we are Jac: Do you feel like we're taking things too fast, being too much? Savannah: No Savannah: but I didn't last time either Jac: okay Jac: because you know you can tell me, if you are Jac: I mean, I don't know what to do with this information Jac: we don't judge them for their relationships Savannah: I was fine, but I'm scared now, obviously Jac: that we're like you and Tyler, or you and Milo Jac: or that we're repeating our past and it'll end badly again Savannah: that I can't have a relationship that isn't ridiculously co-dependent, except it's not even, because that implies that they were as extra as I was Savannah: & that I shouldn't have entered into this one if I haven't changed enough to avoid repeating things Jac: They balanced you out Jac: and I don't Savannah: they let me do whatever I wanted, that isn't what I want from you Jac: but if it's what we both want Jac: it's hard for me to think we should listen more to these girls, who are probably speaking at least from a bit of jealousy, than that Savannah: No, because it isn't what we both want, a healthy relationship is what we both want Jac: Yeah Jac: you're right, of course Jac: but, I don't like the implication that they know what works for us Jac: if we need to reevaluate, it can still be on our terms Jac: I bet lots of them have never had a serious relationship, or only the same level of unhealthy as we have before, they're not qualified Savannah: They don't know us or have any qualifications & I believe you're right about the jealousy factor but I am still willing to see & use this as the wake up call that I need to do better Jac: We can do that Jac: I trust you Jac: I'm not going to see this as you pulling away or something I've done Savannah: please don't, because it isn't Jac: It was my initial fear Jac: but you never leave me to worry Jac: and the fact that I immediately went there is just something I need to address too Savannah: you have reason to go there, it's okay Savannah: how I handled things back then is precisely what I'm trying to avoid Jac: I completely see that, I honestly do Jac: I'm sorry if I got defensive right there Savannah: & I can see that I've slightly overreacted now that I've slightly calmed down Jac: It made me feel the same Jac: like you said, the school flashbacks are no joke Savannah: I'm so sorry I told you not to come, I'd hate for you to think that's what I want, ever Jac: It's okay, we can take a night off Jac: but I'm also not gonna tell you you can't come to mine instead, once they've all gone back to their rooms or whatever Savannah: are you going to tell me what prep you were doing which I should've been instead of freaking out? Savannah: because I need to know Jac: Of course Jac: we haven't competed like that for a LONG time now Jac: it's not like we were asked but I asked [your fave prof bff 'cos lord knows I'm using the photos] on the way out last week if there was anything we could study up on ready for next term Savannah: once I've done everything he has suggested & fixed my 😢 face I'll come over Jac: My poor boo, I hate that they upset you so much Jac: also that we only have showers Jac: or I'd recommend a bubble bath as first order of business Savannah: honestly the lack of 🛀🏾🥂 upsets me more than anything Savannah: but in all seriousness, it wasn't even those girls at fault, I got myself worked up Jac: it is a travesty Jac: we need a place with an en-suite next year Jac: because the idea of sharing a bath with god knows who is no more appealing than NOT having one 😰 Jac: it's okay, I won't insist on being that stereotype and 'having a word' with them, they can live, for now Savannah: if checking into a hotel wouldn't be viewed as the ULTIMATE overreaction, I definitely would use the 💳 my dad insisted upon giving me Jac: I can only imagine the flashbacks that would give him 🙄 Jac: not worth the stress nor satisfaction Jac: though I was thinking we could do something, go somewhere, before the Christmas hols, as we will both be obligated to go all in with the family during Savannah: there would be SO MUCH satisfaction but I promise, I'll resist and be good, for now Savannah: no such promises of 👼🏾 for a family Christmas though, so I love that idea Jac: We can make that happen with just a shower, I promise you Jac: even if we just see a bit more of Edinburgh, get that hotel, I wanna treat you Jac: and no one can stop me spending as much time as we're able lavishing attention on you before we have to go back Jac: because it's going to be stressful, we both know that much already Savannah: if you're feeling left out because your entire dorm isn't talking about us, I can make that happen once we're 🚿 Savannah: you're the most thoughtful girlfriend in the entire world, but if that's something we're about to start competing over in place of academics, that's more than fine with me Jac: I might regret saying I can handle that but Jac: I don't Jac: 😳😳 Savannah: you won't have any, I promise Jac: I love you Savannah: I'm utterly in love with you Jac: I'll never get over hearing that Savannah: you don't have to because I love your 😳 too Jac: It's so different Jac: even though we used to say it like all the time Savannah: you know I meant it every time, it just had to be different Jac: and it is Jac: third time's a charm Jac: we'll make it work this time, no matter how much work that might be Jac: because it's so worth it Savannah: yes, it is and we will Jac: I'm gonna order all your faves when you get here Savannah: 🥰 Savannah: hopefully the lecture prep won't take me too long Jac: you can always read through mine Jac: it's not like it's cheating, just a better way to do a study sesh Savannah: if you're going to send it to me, absolutely, but if you're expecting me to concentrate on reading through it when I get there, I'm sorry but there's no way Jac: I'm not that 😈 Jac: at least not at the sake of your education Savannah: & thank goodness as my parents are both already doing the most to interfere with my education right now with their constant communication Jac: yet imagine your dad in particular if you did any less than perfect Jac: I don't know how he fails to see how counterproductive the constant checking in is Savannah: or the pressure that he's been putting on me to spend Christmas with him from literally November 1st, I swear Savannah: it hasn't slipped his mind that I had no choice but to do that for the last two, even if the unfairness to my mother is something he refuses to think about Jac: Yes, I was about to say Jac: he'll have to think about how he's going to timeshare more efficiently with your mum now, just because it was his way or nothing for two whole years Jac: clearly, that didn't work so well for anyone BUT him Savannah: he thinks he can dictate to me as if I'm no older than I was when he forced me to leave & as though nothing has changed since then Savannah: I'm not going to jeopardise my mum's recovery by not spending time with her in the holidays Jac: To even suggest, let alone expect that from you Jac: even if he's not thinking about your mother, why would he want that guilt for you Jac: at least he cannot literally force you onto a plane to Sligo instead of Dublin Jac: it's getting Sienna, that needs to be planned Savannah: I'm at my wits end with her, it's like she doesn't see the problem Savannah: of course I'd understand her reluctance to spend it with mum but it's all about him, every single of her reasonings, because they aren't even really hers Savannah: she just fully believes whatever dad says Jac: 😕 That's hard Jac: because it automatically puts you in the bad guy camp Jac: because obviously it's nicer to believe that he only wants what's best etc Jac: but when she realizes that's not totally true, that'll be shattering Savannah: she's going to get hurt by him again, as if I wasn't there when he walked out teaching her to question everything that comes out of a man's mouth, that man in particular Savannah: I hate it Jac: I know 😞 Jac: all you're trying to do is protect her Jac: is she interested at coming like, at all? Jac: even if not the actual day of Savannah: It's not like I want her to spend her time and energy until her leavers cert hating him as much as I do, I know it'll be different for her now that I'm gone Savannah: but we get nowhere whenever I try to talk to her about mum, irrespective of the actual subject Savannah: I'm not giving up, of course, but I won't pretend to you that it isn't exhausting Jac: Of course you don't, you'd never tell her what to think Jac: but if you can see things differently, or remember how it was last time, it doesn't make you a bad sister, it's the opposite Jac: you never do ❤ Jac: I was just wondering, though this would be a bit morally dubious Jac: if we could trick her into spending some time with your mum Jac: I could make my sister invite her to something legit, like a family party Jac: your dad MIGHT say yes? I don't know Savannah: at this point I'm so close to walking away from everyone for the sake of my own mental health to spend the holidays alone & obviously that's not a real option I have available to me so I'm more than ready to do it & take the bad karma if it backfires Jac: I understand, last Christmas, I would've given anything to do just that Jac: I think it could work, your dad being the only potential block Jac: we could go for the second half, do New Years with her, maybe Savannah: 😞 I'm going to make sure you have the best Christmas this year, baby, whether or not this works Jac: I've got you, that's all I need for it to be perfect Jac: and we will work this out Jac: but as you said, it isn't even time yet, so you don't have to figure it all out tonight Jac: but when we do, you will have a peaceful and joyful Christmas, if it's the last thing I do Savannah: You're perfect & you're getting my undivided attention tonight, I truly do not care what opinion any or every American girl in this town has or decides to share Jac: A no-phone policy does not even need to be implemented when you're so beautiful Jac: it'd practically be a sin to not use every sense on you Jac: but seriously, whilst they may have a point, we're also further along than they might assume Jac: like I said, if they've never had a proper relationship, they're used to not getting texts back and having to be cool about it 🤷 Jac: we don't have to tone ourselves down or lessen what we have, if it doesn't serve us to do so, only in the ways it might Savannah: I will implement one though, some kind of a genuine family emergency happening again notwithstanding Savannah: I learnt a LOT about sin in Catholic school & you're totally right Savannah: you're the only person who I'd tone anything down for & since you haven't asked me, I really don't think it's necessary Jac: I appreciate it, a lot, you know that, right? Jac: the cliche isn't totally baseless then Jac: you can tell me all about it but we better keep that on the down-low 🤫 Savannah: okay, you don't want that specific dialogue broadcast to your entire dorm, just our mutual appreciation Savannah: I can do that Jac: I can only imagine how enthusiastic the boys would be Jac: and I only care about your enthusiasm Savannah: ugh, true Savannah: I forget too easily that we're not totally on our own once the door is closed, which I'm sure is what lead to that conversation taking place earlier Jac: We aren't the only ones who do that Jac: I swear to God I've heard at least four different girls going next door 🙄 Savannah: 🙄 not to mention I'm still getting woken up by a certain person we don't like just being loud while she undergoes her morning routine, which has literally been happening since I first moved in Jac: I can't deal with how loud she is Jac: the accent makes it so grating Jac: is she trying to be an influencer? make friends? either or 😬 honey no Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: I'm going to have to start going to bed earlier to compensate once lectures start Jac: She a THOUSAND percent has booked herself all afternoon/evening lectures and won't get why everyone is making such a big deal ??? Jac: so that girl Jac: I do my best work in the AM, that's just facts, not all of us plan to party through the entire experience, come on Savannah: So do I, as you know, so if she doesn't take the numerous hints once they are coming from more than just me, I'll have to move in with you & be that girl Savannah: which would entirely negate all the rational points I made earlier Jac: God, there needs to be a way to complain about her without it being dead obvious Jac: an amnesty box of sorts Jac: I'm still looking for doubles but no one is moving yet Savannah: If I have to befriend her to initiate the behaviour change that way, I guess I'll get used to the accent Savannah: you've said my 🥺 is like a superpower Jac: it would be very on-brand Jac: basically work experience for us Jac: and they are but she might fall for you and then she'd be around even more Savannah: oh no, imagine how vocal she would be if she did Savannah: it would be beyond difficult to cope with Jac: I would not cope Jac: at all Jac: so I shan't imagine it Savannah: 😄 Jac: 😥 Savannah: Baby, don't 😥 Jac: I'll have to go back to being a TOTAL bitch from hell if she dares Savannah: 🥺 no Savannah: you're an angel Savannah: & she isn't worth your time or energy, I am Jac: You Jac: x2 Jac: I don't care about anyone else here Jac: in the nicest way possible, of course Savannah: except [whatever your professor bff's name is] that's evident in the notes you've sent me Jac: Okay, he's pretty cool Jac: and definitely gonna help us get perfect marks Savannah: you definitely don't need his help Savannah: I'd almost forgotten just how intelligent you are Jac: I'll try not to be offended Jac: even though I was still totally convinced you'd be going to Bath before I saw you Savannah: I mean, actually, not in a romanticised way because of how much I was in awe of you Savannah: & I did go there, before I made up my mind which offer to accept & it didn't feel right Jac: I'm only teasing, I know that Jac: 🌌💫 Savannah: we were supposed to be here together, like we always talked about Savannah: I shouldn't have ever tried to fight that Jac: I couldn't even bring myself to check your socials before Jac: I don't know what I didn't want to see more, you know Jac: confirmation either way was just, no Savannah: I understand Jac: If I'd have seen gap year plans with Milo, that would not have been it Savannah: most of the time that we were intending to plan was spent arguing anyway, I'm not sure he really wanted to go at any stage of it Savannah: with me, I mean Jac: You weren't right for each other Jac: he's lost a lot more from that deal than you have Savannah: He'll be having a lovely time in hostels, undoubtedly Savannah: it won't be a culture shock at all Jac: Checks out Jac: authentic experience Jac: inserting himself with all the other foreigners Savannah: 🙄 Savannah: if I thought he had a posh accent, lord knows what they'll think Jac: he'll be stimulating the economy, they'll pretend he's not unbearable Savannah: at least he'll be stimulating something, I suppose Jac: 😂 Jac: you said it, not me Savannah: it speaks to my experience Jac: how anyone has the nerve to 🥱 you when you're so interesting is so offensive to me Savannah: it's not his fault that nobody else could ever be as interesting to me as you are, but he is responsible for the effort, or lack of that he put in Jac: no, it'd take someone really special to fight the 🌌💫 and it's plans for us Jac: and I can imply he wasn't that person, without being petty about it Savannah: it's honesty, he wasn't that person & he'd be the first to say so Jac: you're already happier, aren't you? Jac: on this path, this direction Savannah: yes, the happiest Jac: 😊🥰 Savannah: excuse me while I have one of those moments where I can't believe any of this is really happening & fully expect to wake up in Sligo for the summer to the realisation it was the most incredible dream Jac: It's actually such a fear Jac: I never want to go to sleep when I'm with you Jac: for that reason, and the obvious being I can't look at you with my eyes closed Savannah: but if you don't your subconscious can't talk to me & you know how much I love that Jac: so far Jac: what if I say something totally stupid and betray myself 😱 Savannah: you could never say anything stupid & I know you aren't going to betray yourself or me Jac: You trust me, I trust you Savannah: exactly Jac: if I ever say anything really cringe, you can just not tell me, yeah 😅 Savannah: 😄 like what? Jac: anything our favourite American might say, for example Savannah: she isn't actually going to attempt to flirt with me, boo Jac: I know, she's the definition of straight Jac: bless her Savannah: ^^ she's the only person I would apply the word definition to, literally anyone else has the ability to change & grow but she's CLEARLY set in her loud ways Jac: ^ That's totally the vibe Jac: she made her mind up aged 10 she was right and hasn't moved an inch since, whatever the subject Savannah: you're so right Savannah: What were you like when you were 10? Jac: Oh God Jac: let me think Jac: so, fourth class, absolutely LIVID over the fact we had 2 more years of first school after that Jac: thought I was way too grown-up for EVERYTHING Jac: there was probably some boyband I was into but if there was, I don't remember but Isabelle probably still has the merch and posters on her wall Jac: hopefully I was less insufferable when we properly met those years later Jac: how about you? Savannah: I can totally relate, except of course I thought I was too grown up for boybands too Jac: Totally Jac: it was like a secret shame but she had none, Amelia neither Jac: so I kinda had to go with it Savannah: 😄 Savannah: I had a very overprotective father who wouldn't have let me go to those concerts even if I had wanted to so Jac: it made sense to be anti then Jac: it was a lot of screaming and pre-teen hormones, it might've felt like it at the time, but you didn't miss out on a whole lot Savannah: if there'd been a girl band of that era I'd have been much more likely to have supported them, as a fierce little feminist Jac: Adorable Jac: you were cute, I remember that much Savannah: you've always been cute, I've seen the photos Jac: at least my hair had grown back in a decent amount by then Jac: I was so jealous of yours Savannah: really? I didn't even know how to properly style it back then Savannah: but I still insisted, obviously, instead of letting my mum help me Jac: I liked that Jac: you didn't just let your mum braid it and put a bow in Jac: I have to assume that was my logic when I cut mine Jac: independence, making my own choice Savannah: I thought I could do ANYTHING, it's embarrassing how big my aspirations were Savannah: & that there was no limit on the choices I had, there was total belief in that too Jac: it's nice Jac: I wish we stayed like that Savannah: imagine my 🥺 when I discovered inequality & where I was supposed to fit into it as a black girl, except don't because I was utterly devastated Savannah: we still have big dreams though & more choices than 10 year old me did Jac: I don't wanna cry Jac: you're still going to get everything you want Jac: and you've had to work twice as hard for it, no one can take that away from you Savannah: no 😢 we're both going to have a beautiful life Jac: ✨🌼🌷❤☀️❤🌹🌻✨ Savannah: I'll help you & you'll help me Savannah: now that I'm more willing to accept it than I was as a child Jac: and your hair is undeniably flawless Jac: we can do anything Savannah: Oh my god, it's my turn to be jealous of yours & I always am Jac: the fact you can be jealous of anyone blows my mind Jac: you are perfection Jac: but you can play with my hair all you want now Savannah: but not literally right now 🥺 Jac: life is so unfair Jac: I'm so proud of you though, working so hard Savannah: well I'm even prouder of you, these notes are flawless Jac: I've got my uses, yeah Savannah: [a picture of her own aesthetic af notes so far because we are both those bitches] Jac: [truly, could rinse the studyblr tag with these two] Jac: 😍😍😍 you've picked such pretty colours Savannah: [I have saved some cute psychology ones off pinterest for when they start their studies] Savannah: they do match my outfit but if I start sending pictures of myself I'll never finish Jac: if you start sending pictures of yourself, I'll find it harder to be supportive of your studies Savannah: I miss you too Jac: as long as we're in that together too Jac: I'll survive Jac: my room does need tidying before you get here Savannah: you're adorable, you don't have to tidy up for me Jac: for my notes to look perfect, my room has to get a little messy Jac: oh, and my hair, probably Savannah: I can fix your hair for you after we 🚿 Jac: as long as you don't think I look terrible when you show and run straight back Savannah: I've been 😢 so I don't have any room to judge but even if I did, you could never look terrible & there is no conceivable reason that I'd ever run away from you Savannah: but if you need to shown all of that when I get there, it's okay, I'm happy to Jac: I'm so needy, I'm sorry Savannah: you're allowed to want me & not be sorry Savannah: I definitely don't see it as a negative Jac: Good Jac: I haven't done this before Jac: I don't ever wanna be too much Savannah: well, you aren't doing it alone & I trust us more than the opinion of a random American girl I'm currently stuck living with Savannah: any amount of reassurance you need for any reason, it's fine, I promise Jac: 😌 I'm cool Jac: but thank you Jac: there's no one else I would want to or could do this with Savannah: there's no need to thank me, I'll do anything to make sure you feel happy & secure Jac: and I intend to return the favour, always Jac: in every way available to me Savannah: 😊 I know, I meant what I said earlier, you're very good at this, first time girlfriend or not Jac: I've got to be a worthy competitor and you're 👼🏾 Savannah: Catholic school taught me a lot about 👼🏾 too Jac: I'm so relieved they still had to give you an actual education as well Jac: I can only imagine how hard Science could've fallen by the wayside Savannah: still, I will not be enrolling my 👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾 when they're old enough Jac: at least you don't have to make that decision for a while yet Savannah: which is just as well because my immediate response was 'thank god', how blasphemous Savannah: 🙏🏾 hasn't guided this decision but there is a LOT of  🙌🏾 involved Jac: he'd approve if that was the only precaution you took, like Savannah: his approval would have to eclipse my actual father's disapproval, which is BEYOND unlikely Jac: 🙏🏾 is less vocal Jac: it's more signs than 🔊 Savannah: I think that's ⛪️ dependent, some 🙏🏾🙌🏾 is very vocal Jac: actual GOD himself though Savannah: hmm, well he is a man Savannah: it makes communication more challenging Jac: I'm sure little Savannah would've said herself Savannah: child me would've believed that god is a woman, another dream shattered for sure Jac: a woman wouldn't have done so poorly Jac: it's a compliment, really Savannah: exactly, with the zero communication, it'd be like excuse me honey, why are you so angry at me that you've blocked me? Jac: that kind of drama is reserved for me Savannah: not even, I know what I did to you Jac: you didn't do anything to me, not on purpose, I always knew that Savannah: it wasn't on purpose but that doesn't mean it's okay Savannah: I hurt you anyway Jac: We were both hurt and hurting Jac: it was a lot Savannah: yes, but it's important that you don't make excuses for me simply because of how much you want to forgive me Jac: I won't Jac: I can just recognize my role in everything too Jac: as well as the other factors that neither of us could control Savannah: ^^ we're not going to get hung up on it to the extent that it ruins everything, but we can & will acknowledge it all so that doesn't either Savannah: I do love a balancing act 😄🙄 Jac: You do it flawlessly Jac: but we don't have to examine our past and our current behaviour constantly Jac: night's off are self-care Jac: tonight can be one of them, we'll just be Savannah: okay Savannah: I don't know why it feels like I haven't seen you in a really long time, I swear I didn't fully disassociate during my freak out earlier Jac: I feel it too Jac: judge away, everyone Jac: we're making up for lost time Savannah: they'd understand if I actually let them spend time with you instead of stealing you away on sight Jac: I can't pretend to be devastated Jac: you're the most interesting to me Savannah: I can't pretend I regret it either Jac: 🥰 Jac: we have plenty of time to socialize Jac: and we do, with people who are relevant, like people on our course and the psych society Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: It's not my fault she isn't looking over my shoulder when I'm super active in both of those group chats Savannah: I was literally setting up a study group before she cornered me, excuse her Jac: 🙄🙄🙄 I don't care for her at all, even if she's brought a potential problem to our attention before it was Jac: like thanks but still, bye though Jac: maybe the rest of her art history course does NOT love her either 😬 like if YOU'RE lonely, just say Savannah: mhmm Savannah: if anybody understands loneliness, we do Jac: right, if the ego was taken out of it, we'd try to spend time with her, and loads of other people in your dorm etc would too Jac: she's not helping herself rn Savannah: I also totally understand overconfidence as a front for insecurity, like hello??! She could have an ally in me if she'd approach things differently Jac: 🤞 she gets there before the year is out Jac: I don't want anyone struggling, seriously Jac: but I know forcing friendships when they aren't happening naturally isn't healthy Jac: never mind accepting people's toxic behaviour when we're actively trying not to do or be that Savannah: I couldn't agree more Savannah: though, despite what I said before about her not flirting with me, there is a very high possibility she'll fall in love with you if you keep being so perfect Savannah: everyone will Savannah: it's not as if she has to like girls to appreciate your intelligence, empathy or compassion, even if understanding your resilience & determination is clearly a harder task for her right now Savannah: a beautiful soul is a beautiful soul Jac: 🥺 Jac: Baby Jac: beautiful recognizes beautiful, that's all I have to say Jac: you make me feel so much better than I've ever thought I am Savannah: I can't say if I achieve nothing else while I'm here I'll be satisfied, because you know me better than that, but I am proud to be able to list that as an ongoing one because I've never met a better person than you Savannah: you deserve to feel it Savannah: & if you are what you love, what a good person you are shamelessly works in my favour too Jac: you're the most incredible person I've ever known Jac: it just sounds like a baseless compliment, there's no way to adequately put it, at least not without some serious time and work to try Savannah: not from you, there's no such thing Jac: I'm not the one that can write songs, sadly Savannah: but you could write a song I'd like more Jac: 😅 Savannah: I know he's your brother but no Jac: Don't worry, not a weird clause that to date me you have to think his music is amazing Jac: I'd actually hate that, to be honest Savannah: I'm beyond relieved Jac: I'm relieved no one here knows who he is, or who I am in relation Jac: that was getting annoying, towards the end Savannah: poor boo, I can't even imagine Jac: oh well Jac: this fresh start is going better than I could have even dreamed on my craziest day Savannah: me too & you're really keeping me sane Jac: God knows we've got to get through this experience and THRIVE Savannah: ^^ 👏🏾 Savannah: We will, failure to do so is literally not an option Jac: Exactly Jac: I refuse Jac: to let either of us Savannah: speaking of, these notes are done Savannah: so I'll be there soon Jac: I'll come out with the blasphemy too Jac: because I need to see you so bad now Savannah: It's mutual Jac: Hurry Jac: but don't forget your coat, it's cold Savannah: 🥰 I totally would have for the same reason I don't think either of us can be held responsible for what we're about to say, so thank you Jac: I can't let you freeze Jac: even though warming you up is beyond a welcome responsibility Savannah: & I can't lie, my coat is more fashionable than practical, I'll still need you Jac: You've got me Jac: shower, tea and all the bed cuddles you could want Savannah: you're going to make me cry again Jac: sweetie Jac: you can cry but wait 'til you're inside and with me so we don't have to thaw out the icicle teardrops Savannah: [a picture of her with that glitter tears filter than samantha loves so much because sadly I don't actually have one] Jac: Wow Jac: that's my girlfriend Savannah: I can't get over hearing that from you Jac: I can't get over saying it Jac: even just to myself Savannah: It sounds so different when a boy says it Jac: Yeah? Savannah: I don't even know how to explain it, it's like it stripped me of something instead of giving me something Savannah: it felt like, oh, I'm just your girlfriend now, okay Jac: like a kind of diminishment of who you are Jac: not the pride to be with you and know you and love you Jac: I see that Jac: I was never anyone's girlfriend, but that's the feeling I got from them Jac: a title for THEM not YOU Savannah: of course you understand, you always do Jac: not that I was bothered what they thought Jac: but it would have been upsetting if I was, definitely Savannah: I hate that Jac: it's okay, that's all over Savannah: I'm going to make you so happy Jac: I know you will