#i just need to know explicitly. not having a direct end is so anxiety inducing

[bunnihearted]

.

[delicrieux]

☆ﾐ 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚢 “𝚘𝚑”

PART 10: BIG DICK IS BACK IN TOWN

y/n is back in brooklyn for the holidays. thinking that a stream will make her feel less homesick for cali, she starts working on her famously titled hentai.free.srv. what was supposed to be a relaxing stream turns into a special delivery about two hours in.

─── corpse husband x reader ─── soc. media + written fiction! ─── word count: 2.2k ─── ❥ req: Here's one... You know those apps for delivery like Domino's or whatnot... What if reader is streaming Among Us with Corpse, and reader mentions they're hungry and Corpse offers to order them food, and readers like no no it's fine... Then there's delivery at the door (Corpse ordered beforehand) 

author’s note: fucky format is also back in town baby!!! also if you find any mistakes - no u didnt <3 thank u everyone for enjoying this story sm i literally cant believe how feral yall going strawberry cow was a nuclear explosion im still recovering tbh. got an ask a while ago and decided to incorporate it into myso. happy holidays everyone! myso will continue on monday!

ultimate masterlist.  ҉  myso masterlist   ҉   previous.  ҉   next.

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Indeed, being soft on any social media platform was the biggest disgrace and needed to be eliminated post haste. Moreover, it was a slippery slope - once you start flooding your timeline with cute imagery and heart emojis, what will stop you from posting inspirational Facebook quotes? Disgusting. If Rae were here, she would chide you (not you thinking about her as if she’s dead or something). For once in your life, you feel like you deserve it. 

Alas, you hope this little chaos you’ve caused is enough to throw everyone off. The stans, especially. You know the hashtags, you’ve seen ARMY scourging for info online with the same fervor and ruthlessness 1 Direction fans hacked airport security cameras just to spy on the boys. If you had any dirty secrets online, they are out to the public now - thankfully, besides the Harry Styles stan account (with edits and all), you have nothing. Though, now that you think about it, exposed nudes would have been better than your Punk!Harry edit receiving almost a million views. God, your life’s a fucking mess.

Your fans aren’t the only ones out for info - you, too, are trying to decipher Rae’s message. Code: Barbecue Sauce. The two of you had come up with it roughly two years ago, around the same time when you promised that if you didn’t find significant others by the time you’re 40, you’ll just marry each other. It was one of the many rules found in your friendship codex. Barbecue Sauce signifies information - an exchange of information. And depending on how it ends or begins (”So I’m sitting there” alludes to Rae, “On my titties” alludes to you), secret data on that person is given away, usually free of charge. 

But why? And to whom did Rae give away what? You had pestered her mercilessly and even sent some voice messages where you were crying. You were only crying because of a video of a grandpa smiling you saw on TikTok, but you are a snake, and so you put those tears to good use. If streaming doesn’t work out, you’ll just become an actress. Hollywood would love you. Your PR firm sure as fuck wouldn’t, though.

Rae was having none of it. She said you’ll figure it out eventually. Told you to channel your superior puzzle skills. You were quick to remind her that you can barely count to ten without having an aneurysm. Oddly serious, she admitted that she worries for you sometimes. Why only sometimes?! you demanded. She merely sighed. uttering under her breath something that sounded closely to “Boke.”

You leave her for barely a week and she’s already neck deep in the gay volleyball anime, hoodie and cardboard cutout and everything. Your life is falling apart.

But Brooklyn is nice. It had snowed when you stepped off of the plane. Thousands of snowflakes sprinkling into your hair, dotting your cheeks and nose. You missed this sight back in Cali. You missed your parents, too. 

Home cooked meals, old sweaters, your old room and about 40GB worth of old high school pictures on your computer. You went through them all one night. Some were stomach churning, cringe inducing nightmares. You were especially fond of those. Texted some of your friends that were still in Brooklyn, met up, decided to bake. Bad idea, Rae was the resident chef back in Cali. Besides laughing till your stomach hurt, and almost burning down your kitchen, nothing all that significant happened. Somewhere down the line, at about 3 am, half-way through a cheesy rom-com you had the overwhelming urge to text Corpse.

That’s where the problems really started. God, you missed California, missed being in the same timezone with a guy you hadn’t even met yet, how embarrassing is that?! You missed skating around and taking pictures of the beach in the setting sun, sending it to him, silently wishing he was with you to admire the view. 

You really want to call him. And to hang out with him. But for some reason, the thought of that springs up immediate anxiety and you shy away from asking. Him sending you cute good morning texts doesn’t help, either. Maybe it’s better he doesn’t know that you’re a blushing, stuttering mess each time you read “baby”. 

Late evening. Your stream is already set up, people are slowly trickling in and you greet them with a grin and a soft “Hello! Hi hi!”. You did your best to make your room a perfectly chaotic backdrop - led lights, an embarrassing amount of anime merch and plushies. You always try to balance out your weeb side by dressing hot as fuck for your streams - today’s inspiration just so happens to be egirls. Mostly because you watched one too many egirl make-up tutorials on TikTok, and also because you’ve been listening to Corpse’s song all day.

Yeah, no, who are you kidding, you dressed up this way because you were hoping Corpse was watching your stream. You didn’t forget your cat headphones, either. You know he likes them. You want to make him suffer. Perhaps then, finally, he will ask you out, so you wouldn’t have to.

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“I feel like,” You start when you put away your phone, staring idly at the chat, “I feel like I need a new name for you guys. Calling you guys after two years of streaming is just... weird, no? I also don’t respect men so I don’t want to call you guys. Like, so many creator’s have, like, a name for their fans. Uhm, Cody Ko has the chodesters, Kurtis Conner has, uh, folks? Kurtis Town? Citizens! Markiplier has mommy issues--” You can’t help snorting, “So, I’ve been, like, thinking - I know, shocking! - so I was thinking I’m gonna name you cockroaches. Because you’re grimy little shits impossible to kill. And also then I can use the legendary Minaj meme ROACHES!”

Your stream enthusiastically echoes ROACHES, making the chat swim. Yes, if anyone would enjoy such a name, it would be your audience. You’re as equally proud as you are disturbed.

“Well, anyway.” Leaning back into your chair, you throw your arms out with a bright grin, “Big dick is back in town, baby! If you noticed the backdrops different, it’s cuz I’m in Brooklyn now. Don’t ask me when I will return to Always Sunny, I don’t plan that far ahead.”

While Minecraft boots up, you decide to answer a few questions.

r u dating sykkuno?

You want to smack your head into the keyboard, but as it is, you can’t exactly afford a new one, so you refrain, “No, Sykkuno and I are not dating, we are just good friends. Uhm, I’m not sure how much I’ll have to repeat this, but, we really aren’t, so if the roaches could chill - Oh my God, that sounds so stupid, I love it - uh, yeah, if the roaches could chill that’d be great.”

the roaches lmao sounds like we’re a sports team

“Oh shit, yeah it does, uh-- maybe I can make like, jerseys or something. That’d be cool, I think.”

how disappointed are your parents with the way your life turned out?

“My parents are actually not disappointed at all!” You say with a cute little smile, “Uhm, they’re both really proud, actually. They’re glad I found something I love doing and made a job outta it. Dad finds my Youtube videos endearing. Yes, they watch pretty much all of my videos, unless I explicitly tell them not to. And yeah, with all the fucks and thirsting for anime characters. Uhm, it was very embarrassing at first, but I mean, after a while, shame just...doesn’t exist anymore, I guess? Funny thing about my parents, actually, when they watch my videos-” You eye catches a comment, “Oh! No, they only watch my Youtube videos. They don’t know how to use Twitter, thank God. Uhm, anyway-- when they hear a name they don’t know, like, I dunno, Dabi, or something, they google--” You’re grinning by now, eyes crinkling, giggling softly, “--who that is, and buy me like, merch and stuff. It’s really cute. 

can i be adopted by ur parents plz

will you and corpse ever collab?!

You were about to answer, though the man of the hour himself decides to do it for you.

Corpse_Husband: yes.

Okay, not to say your heart skipped a beat, but it totally did. With a pleased smile, you nod, like one of those bobble head toys sold at the dollar store. The motion is oddly reminiscent of Sykkuno’s own nod. Perhaps you had picked it up from him. The chat seems to notice.

pack it up, sykkuno

More questions pile about this mysterious collab you and Corpse are planning. Yeah, you’d like to hear more about it, too, since he single highhandedly decided one was happening right now. Corpse remains silent. Fine, keep your secrets. 

“Okay, guys, oh, I mean, roaches, Oh my God--” You’re covering your mouth, giggling, “-calling all roaches, calling all roaches, calm down. Everyone grab a snack and a blanket I’m turning up the music volume so we can all chill. Entering chill zone. Entering chill zone. Roaches, prepare.”

we are prepared

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An hour or so passes and you grow hungry. It shows with the amount of cakes you had baked in your server. Currently, you find yourself throwing eggs at the wall of one of the renovated houses, your face scrunched in concentration and slight frustration. 24 of the 50 eggs have been wasted. “What’s a girl gotta do to get some chicks around here?” you had uttered under your breath, until, finally, a screech - the egg finally spawns a mob. Your mouth falls open, “Aww, look!” You approach it, so small, walking in zigzags beside you, “It’s a baby chicken! Die, bitch.” The baby chicken is no more as you swing your bedazzled (you have mods) diamond sword. You’re cackling by the time the dust settles.

y/n is a child murderer

“Roaches,” You address your fan-base, spurring another fit of laughter - you can’t get over the name, “I think I’m like, forgetting that eating in Minecraft won’t actually make less hungry in real life.”

take a break and go eat queen <3

“Fuck no, we starve and die like men. Now I actually really need another chicken.”

Another twenty minutes trickle by and you’re trying to lure back a panda from the jungle when there’s a knock on your bedroom’s door. Whipping your head to the side, you slide down your headphones. At the same time, your mom pokes her head through the ajar door, “MOM!” You scream, “Get OUT of my room I’m playing Minecraft!” But your yell has no actual bite to it, as you don’t manage to hide your smile. Your mom laughs, doing some sort of sign language and motioning for you to follow her with her head. That or it’s some sort of performative dance. 

“I’m live right now,” You tell her, pointing at your screen. She knows this already, though, “do you want to say hi?” 

The roaches spam the chat with friendly hellos. You mom, quite impatient now, waves you over. 

“Sorry, roaches, mom needs something. Be back in a bit!”

Stopping the stream, you rush out of your seat and pleased she slinks into the hallway. “What’s this about?”

“Your pizza came.”

“My what now?” You echo, confused.

“Domino’s. You ordered pizza?”

“What? No? I was busy with the stream, I never--”

Thankfully, you had managed to grab your phone from your room before you exited. You almost choke on spit once you read the messages.

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You decide that it’ll be impossible to stream after experiencing what you had just experienced. You tweet out a quick apology to the roaches (God, that fucking name) and say that you had a breakdown but you’re okay. That is as a close to the truth as you managed to muster. It’s a sad sight, chewing and crying; your mom winced when she saw your state - disheveled hair and rundown eyeliner and everything. “D’aww,” She had muttered, caressing the top of your head, “don’t cry my little raccoon.”

If anyone was ever to ask you where did your chaotic nature come from, you’d answer with my mom. To make yourself feel better, you took a selfie - duck face and peace sign and the horrible 2000′s angle. Sent it to Rae. 

looking hot, her message read. 

thanks, was all you replied with.

You couldn’t just leave things as they were. Once you calmed down, you wanted to text Corpse, but how would you follow up the ungodly caps lock and screeching? Impossible. An idea sprung to mind, one that was brave. Taking the first step.

Instead of sending a text, you sent a voice memo.

“Thank you for the pizza, it was delicious.”

You voice still sounded a bit raspy. His reply was instant. Your heart skipped a beat. He sent a voice memo back.

“Glad you liked it, baby.”

He was going to be the death of you.

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tags (in italics is those i couldn’t tag! make sure all’s ok w your settings!) : @littlebabysandboxburritos - @fairywriter-oracle - @tsukishimawh0re - @ofstarsanddreams - @bbecc-a - @annshit - @leahh19 - @letsloveimagines - @bellomi-clarke - @wineandionysus - @guiltydols - @onephootinfrontoftheother - @liamakorn - @thirstyfangirl - @lilysdaydreams - @pan-ini - @mxqicshxp - @tanchosanke - @yoshinorecommends - @flightsandfantasy - @liljennyx3 - @slashersdream - @unknown-and-invisible - @sinister-sleep - @fivedicksinatrenchcoat - @mercury–moon - @peterparkerspjsuit - @unstableye - @simonsbluee - @shinyshimaagain - @ppopty - @siriuslystupid - @crapimahuman - @ofthedewthesunlight - @mythicalamphitrite - @artsyally - @corpsesimpp - @corpsewhitetee - @corpse-husbandsimp - @hyp-oh-critical - @roses-and-grasses - @rhyrhy462 - @sparklylandflaplawyer - @charbkgo - @airwaveee - @creativedogs - @kaitlyn2907 - @loxbbg - @afuckingunicornn - @fleurmoon - @yeolliedokai - @truly-dionysus - @multi-fandom-central707

more tags are in the comments bcs tumblr only allows me to tag 50 people max 💙

[bakagamieru]

Hi!!! I’m hoping you can help - do you know why Zayn left One Direction? He was partying with Louis on March 14 in Thailand and left the band on March the 25th. So what happened in those 9 days for him to leave? I just don’t get it!! TIA!!

Hello,

It wasn’t anything in those 9 days that made him leave.  In fact, I don’t think it was his idea to leave at all.

I have a masterpost outlining most of my speculation relating to this: http://bakagamieru.tumblr.com/post/120840259353/zayn-stunt-summary

Of course there are other fans/bloggers (known as Team Stunt mostly) that have speculated about this as well.

Disclaimers

Please bare with me here and read the whole post (and preferably the other posts in my masterpost) before writing this theory off.  I 100% believe that if anyone takes the time to look at the evidence, it will become obvious that something very fishy is going on.  It’s just logic.

If you’re not coming into this post with the knowledge of 1D’s adversarial relationship with their team or with the knowledge that there are closeted gay couples within the 1D band (Louis and Harry, Liam and Zayn), then you might want to check that out first.  There are good resources out there for all of it.  I have some of it linked on my “ziam resources” and “larry resources” tags or on my Projects and Posts and Tags and Links pages.

It’s important to know what’s going on with these things and the history of 1D and their team because Zayn leaving being a stunt is a part of and a continuation of that.  

It might also help to check out who Zayn really is since a false and negative characterization of him has taken hold because of his public persona since his leaving.  I’ve got a few things linked on my summary masterpost.  Another tag on my blog to check out would be “pairing masterpost” (look for any including Zayn).  There’s also this post and this post and this post that show who Zayn is beyond the broody bad boy image he’s always been saddled with, extremely so in his solo career.  Myself, I think the lyrics from his solo albums, particularly Mind of Mine but also the Icarus part of Icarus Falls, shows who he is better than anything.  There’s no way to fake the gentleness and thoughtfulness inherent in the sentiments he chooses to express.  

Even if you know Zayn well already, it’s always good to revisit these because it can be hard to fully avoid the effects of being bombarded by everyone telling you he’s a selfish, erratic, rash, and disloyal person.  It’s good to be reminded of exactly how dorky, geeky, sweet, protective, thoughtful, intelligent, and caring he is.

Let’s Get Into It

The thing that made us start wondering about a stunt was the way Zayn left.  It doesn’t particularly make sense for a lot of reasons.

1) He had been more engaged than usual at the start of the OTRA tour, talking to fans on social media and practicing to get better at giving speeches on stage.  He was also just as affectionate with the other boys on stage as ever.

2) The reasons they gave for Zayn leaving were many and yet none of them ever made sense.  The WAY he left is also baffling.

Originally the implication was that Zayn left because he was caught “cheating again” on Perrie.  This is unlikely because 1) Zayn was never truly dating Perrie as it was a PR/bearding relationship (yes there is proof), and 2) Zayn and Perrie officially broke up that August anyway and if Zayn left for her, that would take away his reason for leaving and yet he didn’t return.  The same sort of theory popped up with the idea of Naughty Boy luring him away, but again, 1) Naughty Boy had been very pro-1D the year before, and 2) Zayn and Naughty Boy had a “falling out” and yet Zayn didn’t return to 1D.

They said anxiety immediately after he left, but then he started a solo career that’s bound to be more anxiety-inducing if someone has stage fright.  If the worst part of the job is dealing with people, then why would you get rid of the people who distracted most of the interviewer’s attention during interviews and the people who shared the stage with you?

They said he never liked being in the band, but if he likes the music/performing part (he ostensibly did because of going solo) and he likes the boys (there’s no real proof he doesn’t), that only leaves his management team to be causing the problem.  One Direction was just about to end their active contract with Syco/Modest, so why leave the band and risk penalties and censure instead of sticking it out until the end of the year?

Some said he left to go solo first and get the spotlight, but he didn’t actually release solo music until after the hiatus started, he risked a really negative public image by doing so, Simon Cowell had actually claimed the fall before that 1D members could do solo music while in the band, and he missed one of the concerts he’d been really looking forward to (Dubai) instead of at least waiting until the end of that tour leg when there would be a month-long break.  

Additionally, even though Zayn is supposed to be “free of Syco”, it’s pretty clear that his own team is sabotaging his solo career with a complete lack of promo and unnecessarily negative print interviews.  Zayn can’t be blamed for this because even if those things were his choice, they’re not going to earn money and his team has a vested interest in that and yet would apparently be doing nothing about it.  Going back to the theory that Zayn left because of not liking how Syco/Modest did things, clearly him going solo didn’t fix that problem whatsoever and Zayn is too smart to cut ties and burn bridges only to jump from one bad situation into another.

Some people say all of the above things were lies to cover the fact that Zayn and 1D just didn’t get along.  There’s no proof of this.  Like I said, he was just as affectionate with them leading up to his departure.  He was very complimentary of them right after he left, and then suddenly there were Twitter fights with Louis out of nowhere (very suspicious Twitter fights by the way), a supposed feud with Harry (that has only ever existed in the headlines as there is literally no proof other than “a source said”), and negative and then positive and then negative and then positive comments in print interviews despite this being very inconsistent with the official narrative of what’s happened.  Zayn has never from his own mouth said something vitriolic about the other boys.  In fact, the way he talks about them in his few radio/tv interviews is far more positive than his supposed words in print interviews (which can be manipulated very easily).

They claim that Zayn up and decided to leave and then caught a plane without anybody knowing and went back to the UK.  This is very unlikely considering all of the people around him that would notice like the bodyguards, etc.  Also, this assumes Zayn is the type of person who would make such a rash, snap decision.  They also announced him officially leaving not long after which begs the question, did Syco/Modest do nothing to try to persuade/coerce 1/5 of their biggest money-maker to at least finish the tour?

The way it was announced was quite odd, considering it was posted on Facebook of all places immediately after the end of a concert and sounded extremely impersonal like a PR person wrote it (which Zayn later confirmed).  The Mirror also reported on the announcement almost immediately which means they had to be tipped off because they wouldn’t have had time to find the announcement and create an article about it otherwise.

The other odd thing is that there were never any consequences for Zayn leaving.  He’s part of a huge money-making band and he broke a contract with his team, so you would assume that they would 1) sue him, 2) demand he pay the very high fee for getting out of the contract, or 3) drop him from the label/management agency and make sure no one else will work with him in the industry.  None of these things happened.  There’s obviously been no suit as it would have made news.  There was no payoff because Zayn’s net worth never changed in such a dramatic way.  Originally the story was that Syco ONLY let Zayn leave if he signed to them for his solo career, but then Syco claimed to have dropped Zayn BECAUSE he left, but then Syco was still listed on his first solo release (which is sketchy in and of itself).

And let’s talk about the timing once more because there’s a little more to it.  He left 7 shows before the end of the Asia/Africa leg of OTRA.  This meant that he missed the Dubai show which was in an area of the world where he was very popular, where he has cultural ties, and where he had explicitly said he was excited to perform.  That leg was the last leg before a planned 1-month tour break, which would have been a much more logical time to leave, break it to the fans, deal with the paperwork, etc.  That tour was also the last tour before the hiatus.  No, it wasn’t announced until later, but it’s very unlikely it wasn’t planned before that.  Even the fans kind of assumed there would be some sort of break after the album since as far as anyone could guess, that was going to be the end of the Syco/Modest contract time period.  

If Zayn couldn’t stand the band or wanted to go solo or couldn’t stand his management team, there was an obvious out coming up that would have been way less complicated and would have had way fewer potential negative consequences.  For any reason but anxiety (which is eliminated because of the baffling solo career decision), it doesn’t make sense for him to leave instead of waiting out the year.  

There are any number of oddities about the way he left and the given reasons for him leaving.  No matter what theory you look at, it isn’t consistent with logic OR with Zayn’s character and past actions.

So these things were why some of us were suspicious from the start and paid close attention as the events unfolded.  As we did, we just caught more and more inconsistencies and suspicious things.

3) Finally, I need to point out one massive area of evidence about Zayn’s leaving being a (particularly long-lived [although only a couple months longer than babygate]) stunt.  The shade.

The 1D boys have a long history of throwing shade that contradicts the official narrative, thus cluing fans in that some lie is being told.  There’s hella shade around Zayn’s leaving from both him and from the other boys.

The masterpost I linked at the top contains several posts about this, so I’m not going to rehash that here.  However, I will briefly go into what I think is the most compelling evidence that Zayn was actually planned to return to the band in August 2015.

The reason I find this particular shade so compelling is because it’s actually a pattern of shade, and not only is it a pattern of shade, it’s actually 5 overlapping and coordinated patterns of shade.  

The basic idea is that Zayn was scheduled to return on August 5th, around July 26th the boys learned that the return was delayed, the 2nd scheduled return was probably August 18th, and then that return was also delayed/cancelled.

First is Niall’s all-black pattern.  Niall had never worn an all-black outfit on stage before and he’d never repeated the same outfit more than 2 times in a row during a tour, but starting from the concert before Zayn left, he wore all black for 8 shows in a row until the end of that tour leg.  He stopped for the European leg and some of the NA leg.  Then, 8 shows before the August 5th show, Niall starting wearing all black again, like a bookend.  He didn’t make it to 8 shows consecutively because plans got changed, but he did continue wearing some amount of black at almost every show until the end of a tour in an organized pattern.

Second is Rainbow Bondage Bear’s (“RBB”) stickers.  In mid to late August, people started associating the recurring blue and green stickers on RBB with Louis and Harry because of their blue and green mic grips.  In fact, there were orange and yellow stickers (Niall and Zayn) before that, and a red sticker (Liam) showed up after that at strategic times.  The interesting thing is, Zayn’s yellow sticker was up for exactly 8 shows, ending on, you guessed it, August 5th.

Third is the Batman references.  With Liam taking the lead, the references to Batman skyrocketed in August.  Participants included Liam, some of the musical band members, Naughty Boy, and Zayn (yes, both sides participated).  Three particularly compelling references when put together are 1) the bat symbol that was put on the big screen at the 1D concert in Kansas City after the show (the bat signal traditionally calls Batman to come to it), 2) Zayn posting a fanart of his own name in the bat symbol (indicating himself as Batman), and 3) Naughty Boy posting a quote from Batman about the darkest moment being just before the dawn, which he posted with the hashtag “comesoon” (indicating a positive change coming soon).  All together, it’s hard not to read them as a sign that Zayn was supposed to return to the 1D stage soon.  Incidentally, RBB wore a Batman costume on, yes, August 5th.

Fourth is the 5th of the month pattern.  On the 5th of the month, from June 2015 to September 2015, something Ziam-related always happened with the exception of August 5th.  On June 5th Liam wore a ring (unusual for him at the time) in concert.  Surrounding circumstances point to it being Zayn-related.  On July 5th there was a video taken of Liam singing and coming out of the shower where surrounding circumstances point towards Zayn being the one filming.  On September 5th, Zayn and Liam started posting Instagram pictures that seemed to mirror each other or hint at Ziam in some way.  On August 4th, the Zerrie break up was announced, but on August 5th there was nothing in particular.  However, there would have been if that had been the first concert Zayn returned.

Fifth and final is related to the in-ears the boys wear on stage (and specifically to the 2nd return date this time, August 18th).  Oddly enough, the boys seem to change their in-ears in overly patterned ways and although I can’t identify what exactly they’re marking all the time, some of the ones I can link match up to Zayn’s leaving and potential return.  Liam wore a different set of in-ears for the last 5 concerts of the Asia/Africa leg of OTRA, starting on the Jakarta concert which was the first after Zayn’s official leaving announcement was made.  Later, starting on the Winnipeg show on July 24, the first show after Niall’s all-black bookend was disrupted (indicating Zayn’s return date was probably in flux at that point), Niall wore different in-ears for 3 shows.  Then Niall switched back to his regular and Liam picked up the pattern seamlessly by wearing different in-ears for 3 shows and 1 TV performance.  There are 2 possible ways this pattern could have ended that would make sense.  1) Liam could have counted the TV performance, worn in-ears for 1 more show and that would have completed Liam’s bookend of 5 different in-ears ending the show before Zayn’s (2nd scheduled) return on August 18th.  This would have resulted in a total of 8 performances with different in-ears counting both Liam and Niall and both concerts and TV performances, which partially (it doesn’t end on the concert Zayn would return)matches Niall’s bookend pattern.  2) Liam could have not counted the TV performance (the in-ears are almost exclusively a concert pattern) and worn in-ears for 2 more concerts, resulting in 8 total different in-ear shows ending on Zayn’s 2nd return date, completing Niall’s bookend pattern.  This would also mean Liam wore his in-ears for 5 performances, partially matching his bookend pattern (but not ending before the concert Zayn would return).  Again, I think the pattern was disrupted because Zayn’s return was again delayed (indefinitely as it turns out).

All of these patterns are explained in more detail (and with visuals because heaven knows it’s just a lot of dates and numbers without seeing it) in posts that are linked to my masterpost.  

There are also several other surrounding events that seem to confirm Zayn’s delayed returns such as:

the Zerrie break up;

an aborted Zayn-Naughty Boy fight;

the advent of positive 1D-Zayn relations leading up to August and then negative press resuming around August 17th;

a few things that might match up relating to Niall’s Where We Goin’ Today Mark video shade pattern; and 

the release of Drag Me Down which seems to have possibly been moved up by a week or so, indicating it originally might have been an OT5 song meant to be released around Zayn’s return.

To me, the fact that these patterns were so obviously deliberate (they’re way too organized not to be) and that they all overlap and point to the same dates, along with the fact that people from both camps participated in the Batman pattern, points to a definite return plan that was positively anticipated by both the boys and Zayn.

If I were to ever wonder if maybe Zayn really didn’t want to return even if leaving wasn’t his idea in the first place, this is what makes me positive that he did.  

If I ever wonder if maybe there was a falling out with Zayn and the boys after he left, even if he didn’t want to leave to start with, the shade from both sides makes it obvious to me that there never was any real bad blood.  If they all go to the trouble to contradict the official story, then clearly the official story must be a lie and the boys must all be on the same page.

Conclusion

I know this is a long post, but this is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the sketchiness around Zayn leaving.  

Unfortunately, I haven’t followed through on organizing all the evidence like I had planned to at one point, but I think the masterpost I put together does cover a lot even if it’s a bit repetitive with some posts and a bit disorganized.

If anyone has questions that aren’t already covered in the masterpost, go ahead and send me an ask.

[soveryanon]

Reviewing time for MAG130 /o/

- Fun game!

(MAG106) BASIRA: Hm. I dunno, I mean, you should have seen him when I turned up last year. I think he thought I was trying to steal his precious Archivist. […] Huff. That [INSERT TITLE HERE] needs to relax. MELANIE: Or at least find someone else to fuss over. BASIRA: Yeah, [x]’s got it bad. … Do you know if [x] and Jon ever…? MELANIE: No clue – and not interested.

Is this conversation between Melanie and Basira about: a) The Distortion about Jon? b) Elias about Jon? c) Martin about Jon? d) The Web about Jon? (Jon, you serial heartbreaker.)

In all seriousness (kind of.): the Web has it BAD about Jon, indeed. Which is necessarily not a good sign given that if someone from the Web were to tell you it wants you to carry its babies, you would have to understand that it means hollowing you out and turning you into a spider egg sack.

The Web sent him a lovely lighter in MAG035, that Jon still had on him as of MAG111, because Jon ~chose~ to go back to smoking after five years of quitting! Jon discovered the worms infestation back in MAG038 thanks to a lil’spider on a wall (BECAUSE OF COURSE: JONATHAN “I PERSONALLY READ MAG016’S STATEMENT ABOUT A GUY MINDCONTROLLED TO REPEATEDLY SMASH A SPIDER ON A WALL” SIMS ASSUMED THAT HIS OWN ACTIONS WERE HIS OWN AND TOTALLY NOT CONTROLLED UH.) Lovely helpful spiders eat the worms carcasses in the tunnels! Cobwebs were welcoming him into the wax museum when they were planting bombs in MAG118! “She” sent Handsome Black MLM Oliver to encourage him to wake up in MAG121! And now the spiders are leaving tapes for him in his desk when Jon is having trouble thinking about his next moves! uwu

… Meanwhile, what have you done for Jon, Beholding. You fucked up a perfectly functioning researcher, gave him anxiety, nightmares and the constant feeling of being watched, is what you did. (… Well, the Web also gave Jon trauma, misguided hatred, and a visceral phobia of spiders but HEY, at least, it’s giving Jon useful presents in his Quest!)

Oliver had confirmed that the Web had never really left Jon alone after all these years (MAG121: “But… you know better than anyone how the spiders can get into your head. Easier to just do what She asked!” and the mere fact that Oliver came… because “She” had sent him to talk to Jon), we still don’t know its/Her intentions and neither does Jon:

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: I found this tape tucked in the corner of my desk drawer. [AGGRAVATED SIGH] Covered in cobwebs. I suppose subtlety is gone out the window a bit. And the question is now simply … how much I trust the Spider to have my… best interests at heart. … Hm. I suspect my assuming it has a heart might be a clue I’m looking at this the wrong way.

(Obviously, the answer is that it wants to win YOUR HEART, Jon!!)

The Web has Plans Involving Jon, nothing new. And I have no serious ideas about why – seriously trying to woo him because Back Off Big Eyeball, We Saw Him First? Needing him to be ready for the Watcher’s Crown in some way either because it’s allied with Beholding, either because it needs the ritual to come close to completion in order to crash or hijack it? What was Jon supposed to make out of MAG130’s statement, and he did he completely miss the point or did he draw his own conclusions All According To Keikaku? … are they Jon’s own conclusions or The Web making him think about the conclusions It wanted.

I’m also wondering if, after all, Jon getting drawn to this and that statement since the beginning of season 4 wasn’t… Web-induced more that Beholding-induced. Actually, Jon has never explicitly said that knowing which statements to read, specifically, was coming from his Insights (the knowledge seeping through the cracks of the door):

(MAG126) ARCHIVIST: … I remembered Gertrude’s notebook […]. I’ve been staring at it for hours, in the hope something from it would just… come to me. And it worked well enough to point me towards this statement […].

(MAG127) BASIRA: And what was that you were doing yesterday? ARCHIVIST: … When…? BASIRA: You were sat on the floor for like four hours. ARCHIVIST: … Oh! Er, n–n–no, I was, er, I was… listening. Y’know, it’s, trying to see if any of the statements… called to me. BASIRA: And? ARCHIVIST: [FLIPS PAPER] BASIRA: Brilliant.

(MAG129) ARCHIVIST: I don’t like this. I don’t like… not being sure what’s going to be in my mind. What thoughts are mine and what are from… elsewhere. Why I just know some statements are what I should be reading. I assume this one is related to the coffin. To Daisy.

Is it knowledge seeping into his mind, or is it, let’s say, a web string pulling him in towards specific statements? Jon’s comment that “subtlety is gone out of the window” couuuuld possibly (it’s a possibility!) imply that he knows that the Web had been directing him towards them before (just… without wrapping them in cobwebs). Case in point, though: Jon got to Know about how Gertrude stopped The Buried through his Insights, and that one was pretty clearly Beholding-stamped. So, at the very least, it’s not only the Web teaching Jon about how Gertrude stopped the previous rituals. Somehow, both The Eye and The Web are glad to feed him the knowledge.

In the particular case of MAG130: this means that the Web has quite a strong hold on the Archives themselves – or did it send the tape randomly, à la Elias in season 3? (Your casual reminder that the conclusion of Jon’s thrilling saga of wondering for 20 episodes why Elias was sending him this or that file was: because Elias had no idea what the fuck he was doing.) And: where does this tape come from? We know there are more tapes than the ones Jon had listened to: Basira had been given three boxes of them when they discovered Gertrude’s body, and she gave him a few tapes and at least one of these boxes when she quit the police in MAG075. Leitner had told Jon, and then confirmed with Elias (MAG080), that Elias had gotten his hands of Gertrude’s files regarding The Stranger (and posssssibly about Beholding?) and Elias had indeed begun to send some of those documents in season 3 but explicitly refused to give them to Jon in one-go (MAG092), so drip-dropped them instead. Elias mentioned in MAG116 that he had taken Gertrude’s tapes into his “safekeeping” during Jon’s absence at the beginning of season 3, so he was still in possession of all of them at the end of the season.

Is MAG130 from Elias’s secret stash? Or from somewhere else, another hiding spot? In any case, it means that, in true spiders fashion, the Web can crawl its way into anywhere, unnoticed. It is there and it’s able to operate in the Institute. It knows the place as its own. (Is it also its own already…)

- Jon had wondered, a few times, why Gertrude was recording some statements and not others and… we still don’t have the answer to that?

(MAG044) ARCHIVIST: I will admit to some disappointment it doesn’t address any of my more… pressing questions about Gertrude’s tapes. Why did she begin recording them, and why stop? If she’d been doing so right up until her death, she would have likely gotten through much of the Archive […].

(MAG087) ARCHIVIST: I had assumed Gertrude had recorded to tape for a while and then stopped, but it sees she was recording them right up until the end. But if they did span decades of working at the Institute, why aren’t there more? And what decided which statements she transferred?

It’s a bit hard to guess a logic behind Gertrude’s recordings, but so far, we’ve listened to these ones, listed by order or recording (SINCE UNLIKE A CERTAIN SOMEONE, GERTRUDE ROBINSON HAD ENOUGH WORK ETHICS TO GIVE THE DATE OF HERS :wwww I’m not calling anyone out) (Jon, u suck.):

*04/11/1996: reading Lucy Cooper’s statement about the “Changeling / Imposter”, Not!Them (MAG077) *15/04/1997: reading Yuri Utkin’s statement about the Russian circus (MAG044) *05/09/1997: live statement of Walter Heller about the old Archives in Alexandria (MAG053) *02/09/2007: reading Robert E. Geiger’s statement about The Buried’s ritual coming close in America (MAG099) *03/07/2008: live statement of Mary Keay about getting her hands on the book of The End (MAG062) *19/12/2008: live statement of Lucia Wright about the Flesh’s ritual attempt in Istanbul (MAG130) *04/10/2013: reading Abraham Janssen’s statement about the last Stranger ceremony, in the Court Theatre Buda in October 1787 (MAG116) *04/04/2015: reading Sebastian Skinner’s statement about The Stranger’s people in the Gwydir Forest (MAG087)

Noteworthy: the oldest one that Jon accessed was about the Not!Them, and Gertrude had specifically highlighted (thanks to the statement-giver providing a recording of her true mother) that tapes were able to resist the Not!Them’s rewriting of reality:

(MAG077) GERTRUDE: It is at least reassuring to know that magnetic tape seems to escape being overwritten [by the Not!Them], so if I get changed, you can be sure this is my real voice. Based on Dekker’s statement, it would seem Polaroids are also relatively stable.

I could imagine that Gertrude might have recorded a few tapes with this in mind – in case the Not!Them would attack her, to leave some proofs of her existence and of her ongoing researches, since, following this one, almost all the statements that Jon listened to were tied to some aspects of rituals she was working on stopping. MAG044 dealt with a very active period of the Stranger’s Circus; MAG099 helped her narrow down the location of the Buried’s “Sunken Sky” (in America); MAG116 was a survivor describing the last Stranger’s ritual attempt; MAG087 was about the current activities of Stranger’s minions, now that the ritual was coming closer. The three other statements were lives: Mary Keay is an oddity, but Gertrude had sarcastically commented that it happened because Mary insisted on talking:

(MAG062) MARY: You… don’t really go out and look for yourself, do you~? Just wait here for the researchers’ leftovers. GERTRUDE: Mm! It’s not that bad. Sometimes, someone will insist on giving me a statement directly, though… I rarely see the point.

(YOUR CASUAL REMINDER THAT GERTRUDE WAS SAVAGE LIKE THAT.)

The other two dealt with what Gertrude suspected to be an old Archive (MAG053), and a witness testimony of the explosion that put a stop to The Flesh’s ritual (MAG130), so… still related to Gertrude’s activities: she had been searching for Walter specifically (MAG053: “It’s taken a long time to track down someone still living who found the Serapeum of Alexandria.”; the site was ~curiously~ bombed six months after she discussed its location, in March 1998) and she was in Istanbul ~in the flesh~ during “The Last Feast” (the old woman that Lucia spotted but didn’t recognize). Moreover, there are a few mentions alluding to the fact that she already had talked a bit with the statement-givers (and narrowed down what they experienced) before deciding to record their statement:

(MAG053) WALTER: Yeah, er, right. Er, wh–where do you want me to start? GERTRUDE: Well, you say you were serving in North Africa when it happened.

(MAG130) [CLICK–] GERTRUDE: Do you mind? LUCIA: What? Oh, hum. No. GERTRUDE: Excellent.

Whether live or written, was Gertrude almost only recording statements dealing with the rituals attempts? But then, it seems like there were three big periods of recording: 1996-1997, 2007-2008 and the last years of her carreer. We’re still back to Jon’s initial questions: why the gaps? Is it because tapes exist from the years in-between, but we only got a few samples that aren’t enough to discern anything conclusive…?

- But then, back to the usual question: what was the thing that made her decide to record Walter and Lucia live, when they could have… written it down or dictated it to another member of staff? (We know it was a thing that could be done in the 70s, with Nathaniel Thorp’s statement from MAG029.) (I doubt it’s Relevant but: fun thing! “Lucia Wright” shares her surname with the previous head of the Institute, “James Wright”, who ran the place from 1973 to 1996. Elias took over when he passed away.)

- Well, in Lucia’s case, it sounds like Gertrude’s initial intentions might have been a bit grim?!

(MAG130) LUCIA: Telling my story. To you. Will, will it help with the nightmares? GERTRUDE: […] whatever nightmares your experience has left you with, I’m sure they won’t be bothering you much longer. […] GERTRUDE: Well…! That – is – a relief. When I heard there’d been survivors of “The Last Feast”, I was rather concerned that one of them might be able to positively identify me, [CHUCKLE] which could land me in all sorts of trouble! But she doesn’t seem to remember me at all.

What were you initially planning to do if she had remembered you, Gertrude.

Because, uuuuh… we know from Basira&Daisy’s exchange in MAG112 that they kept having “dreams” long after giving their statements to Jon; telling their stories didn’t allow them to get rid of the nightmares (it’s just that apparently, becoming an archival assistant cuts you off from them, and from Jon seeing them?). So, hum. Could Gertrude have been planning anything else than… straight-out murdering Lucia then and there, and only changed her mind when Lucia mentioned an old woman without linking her to Gertrude?

That aside… we got confirmation from Gertrude herself that she was aware that live statement-givers also give their dreams to the Archivist – the “slim collection of gifted nightmares” described by Elias in MAG120:

(MAG130) GERTRUDE: […] I’m honestly impressed she had the strength to get through it, even if she does seem to have been… deeply affected by it. Shame about the dreams; I would avoid them if I could.

… Why couldn’t she in this case, though? Why did she have to take this one live, when we know that she tended to prioritize written ones (going as far as to ask François Deschamps to write down what he had witnessed alongside her in MAG102)?

There has been quite a huge amount of statement-givers mentioning their recurring nightmares when writing their statements; the specific of the Archivist receiving a live statement seems to be that it synchronizes their dreams a bit? Makes Jon able to see them? Or traps the people in his own nightmares of their experiences? (In Jon’s dreams, at least, the statement-givers blame him and feel like they’re here because of him.) Regarding Gertrude, there had been Adelard’s and Mikaele Salesa’s expectation that just writing their statements could have an effect too:

(MAG113, Adelard Dekker) I’ll even make it a statement. Give your patron something to keep it satisfied. It’s not like I sleep enough to worry about dreams.

(MAG115, Mikaele Salesa) So it’s another statement is it? Like I owe you something?  […] So I suppose if it’s a statement you’re wanting… it’s no inconvenience to me. I don’t sleep well anyway.

Does this mean they might have given live statements to Gertrude in the past, and assumed that writing it down would have the same effect? Does writing a statement end up having an effect on you, even though the Archivist doesn’t access those dreams? I wonder, now, if the dreams are not actually supposed to happen to… everyone touched or coming close to the Fears, and it's just that some people don’t think to mention their dreams in their statements? Adelard got interested in the case he described in MAG113 and was reminded of his hypothetical new emergence partially because people had been hurt when asleep – could it be that new emerging fears tend to first manifest through dreams…?

- Gertrude, are u lying through your teeth again.

(MAG130) GERTRUDE: Are you quite ready? LUCIA: H… uh. Will it help? GERTRUDE: I’m sorry? LUCIA: Telling my story. To you. Will, will it help with the nightmares? GERTRUDE: If that’s your primary goal, my dear, I would suggest you speak to a qualified counsellor. We can suggest one, if you like; that said, I do believe most people find the process of giving a statement to be rather… mm, cathartic.

I’m squinting at that “cathartic” (if it’s about the actual concept: WOOPSIE, catharsis in Greek drama does rely on you EXPERIENCING the terror and pity. It is not a nice process on the moment.)

Meanwhile, in Jon’s case, giving him a live statement has rarely been described as a nice experience for visitors, mostly because of Jon himself:

(MAG084) MELANIE: […] There’s nowhere left for me to go. I don’t know why, but… I just, I just felt that perhaps coming here might help. And talking things out with Jon. I mean. I mean he’s awful, but at least he listens, you know?

The only “positive” ones about it that I can think of are Helen, Tessa and Mike, and Oliver a bit (he was surprised to have managed it); and Julia, back with Gertrude, had felt that it helped:

(MAG047) ARCHIVIST: Perhaps. … Leave it with us, we’ll… do some digging and… see what we can find. HELEN: You believe me then! ARCHIVIST: I, er… yes. Yes, I think I do. (MAG101) ARCHIVIST: A– are you still going to kill me? HELEN: No. That was Michael’s desire, not mine. ARCHIVIST: So… S-So what do you want? HELEN: I don’t know. Helen liked you so… there’s a lot to consider. But I will help you leave. (MAG115) HELEN: Before, talking to you made Helen feel better. ARCHIVIST: You’re not. that. Helen! HELEN: I just want…! I just want to feel better.

(MAG065) TESSA: […] And it does feel good to talk about it. Y’know? ARCHIVIST: [LIGHT CHUCKLE] Yes, I… very much understand.

(MAG091) MIKE: Hm. You know? That was… that was nice. I’m not… not usually the sort for speeches, that was… pleasant change. So.

(MAG107) ARCHIVIST: Ah, yes. You–you know the Institute? JULIA: Oh yeah. Checked myself in there a while back. Ended up spilling my guts to this old woman about my dad, just letting it all out. ARCHIVIST: O–oh, that, that would be, er, Gertrude. My, my predecessor. JULIA: I didn’t catch her name. Weirdest thing, really. Didn’t mean to spill half of it, but. Really helped me put the pieces together, you know? ARCHIVIST: I’m… starting to.

(MAG121) OLIVER: Right. That’s a… hit, I suppose.

(But Oliver is cheating since Jon was still unresponsive when Oliver gave his statement – Oliver got Jon at His Best, uh.)

Then, I don’t have any doubt that Gertrude was probably better at sweetly coaxing people into telling their stories, rather than showing off in Jon’s apparent blunt manner (he does care!! But he’s also very off-putting, which… didn’t help when he was receiving statements.)

In the meantime: still nothing from Jon about his own dreams :www

- So Adelard also helped Gertrude in destroying the Gnostic temple!

(MAG130) GERTRUDE: Well…! That – is – a relief. When I heard there’d been survivors of “The Last Feast”, I was rather concerned that one of them might be able to positively identify me, [CHUCKLE] which could land me in all sorts of trouble! But she doesn’t seem to remember me at all. […] Dekker really came through with the explosives! It almost felt like cheating. Sad about the loss of history but Miss Wright didn’t seem to think the old Gnostic church got many visitors anyway.

Gertrude sounded so giddy to have blown the place up, efdusijrezkds. Did she provide the explosives and he handled them? He was super interested in the stock she had managed to get for The Unknowing, in his letter from MAG113. They’re adorable. Old people saving the world and bonding over their creative use of explosives.

Interestingly, it seems that Gertrude kept her allies separate? Gerry and Leitner didn’t seem to know that Gertrude was working with the other (which… makes sense considering Gerry’s distaste of Leitner because of the books); but neither did they ever mention Adelard.

Which puts me to mind again: what happened to Adelard? We know that he came in contact with the Institute at least in 1991 (MAG077, Gertrude: “I suspect this to be the creature that Adelard Dekker refers to as the ‘NotThem’ in statement 9910607”), whether he was personally acquainted with Gertrude or not at the time. Since then, they’ve apparently been allies on multiple cases: they collaborated to blow up the Gnostic temple housing the Flesh’s ritual (MAG130), and Adelard moved out the plastic explosives for Gertrude because she felt that she was under surveillance (MAG113). That was chronologically the last time we’ve heard of him at this point – from a statement that, according to Jon, was “undated, likely circa 2012”. Did he die, since then…? Became something worse than dead…? Is he hiding somewhere…? Peter Lukas has been looking for his statements to get information but didn’t mention the possibility of tracking him down: it could be either for manipulation purposes (better to not let the Archives team meet Adelard, who specialises in dealing with spooky creatures, when you’re yourself a spooky creature), either because he knows that Adelard is not around anymore…? (Then, my bets for the culprit are the New Emergence he was investigating, or someone amongst the Lukases, or Peter PERSONALLY.) (Could be Elias, I guess, since Adelard must have been a bit old at this point, but we would need to know what his voice was, since Elias’s criteria for murdering people so far have been 1°) you must be old, 2°) you must be voiced by someone from Jonny’s family.)

- Something that I found quite interesting in the statement itself is that Lucia had, from an overall point of view, no relationship whatsoever with meat – no attraction to it, nothing from her personal history that would imply that she could get drawn or involved with the Flesh. But, at the same time, the evolution from her being fascinated by religion to the Flesh felt only natural because of the Eucharistic dimension, and by the fact that her own appreciation of churches was both spiritual and sensual?

(MAG130) LUCIA: […] I loved churches. These big… quiet… echoing spaces of peace and beauty, designed to quiet the soul and prepare it for communion with the divine. Even if I didn’t actually believe in the God they were supposed to house… I always found them… meditative. And whenever I went on one of my breaks, I’d always try to find a local church – hopefully… not too full of other tourists like me – and spend an hour or two in quiet contemplation. I’d listen to the shuffling footsteps of the other people, and breathe in the lingering smell of incense, before lighting a candle to my grandmother.

With the Demiurge in mind, it’s almost surprising that The Flesh is (officially) the last Fear to have emerged (Gerry had mentioned that it had begun its ascendance around the time Robert Smirke had established his list of fourteen); but at the same time, you would have to fear the specific aspect of it as related to Flesh bending, twisting, getting reduced to a pulp, etc.? In True Flesh Fashion, Lucia ended up getting very conscious of that aspect during the whole ordeal (THANKS FOR MY WEDNESDAY’S DINNER, JONNY):

(MAG030, David Laylow) “There’s not so much difference between people and animals, you know? […] Weirdest thing is, you start to kind of see people as meat too. Not in a food sort of way, you know. I don’t wanna eat my co-workers. It’s just that, when you spend all day taking these living, breathing creatures – animals that move and cry and tremble in fear – and you turn them into lifeless blocks of dead flesh, it’s hard to believe in any special spark that makes us humans any different.”

(MAG072, Craig Goodall) “There’s nothing inherently special about us. We feel as much pain, see the world with the same eyes as a real pig. Meat is meat. That’s what John Haan said when they arrested him. The only thing he said. Meat is meat. […] It looked like this was what the kid had been doing. He’d been spraying the phrase ‘MEAT IS MEAT’ onto the door of the freezer, but the cops must have gotten him before he’s finished, so what was actually written upon the matt silver surface were the words ‘MEAT IS ME’.”

(MAG130) LUCIA: […] Squirming limbs were dragging, rising, extracting themselves from this mound of flesh, and making their way down to join their companions on the ground, one by one. Most of them could still be mistaken for humans at a distance, a few even wore clothes. […] All through this, the mouth got closer and closer to the edge of the pit, the pile of flesh within it larger and larger, sat there in an awful, half-solid slurry, chewed and crushed together. It was impossible to tell what had once been animal, and what might once have been us. It was all just meat.

-Curiously, Lucia didn’t mention any anchor in her statement? Orrr was it, in her case, an anchoring thought?

(MAG130) LUCIA: My back was screaming, my legs were weak, and my mind was numb from terror. But I was spurred on by one thing: the woman with the backwards arms had fallen, some time in the night, and her companions had shown no hesitation. They had gripped her shoulders, hoisted her up, and hurled her straight into the gaping maul. I swore it wouldn’t happen to me.

Could it be the focus that matters, more than thinking about something/someone from outside of the box? Focusing on something, whatever it is, and preventing the Fears from getting to you and swallowing you whole? It’s also how Basira had managed to exit The Unknowing on her own… So in the same way: would going into the coffin with the clear resolution of finding Daisy and getting back out with her be enough…?

- We’re slowly completing the list of failed rituals from the current batch!!

*The Buried: “Sunken Sky”, 17th June, 2008. (<- Vast-touched Jan Kilbride was thrown in pieces into the pit.)

*The Flesh: “The Last Feast”, October 2008 (since it was (until now.) the new Baby, this was probably only its first or second ritual attempt? Awww ;w; (Don’t worry, you’ll get used to seeing your ritual derailed.) (WE HOPE.) <- also with this one that Gertrude apparently confirmed that she could deal with the rituals with non-spooky means (maybe… Jan Kilbride… would have liked to know that a few months earlier…))

*The Spiral: “The Great Twisting”, somewhere during October 2009 or shortly after. (<- No explosives for this one, Michael Shelley gave an Identity to the Distortion instead.)

*The Stranger: “The Unknowing”: 6th August 2017. (<- TIM WAS THE BOMB…)

*The Eye: “The Watcher’s Crown”, incoming and Jon Has Suspicions about the year 2018. (<- Gertrude had a Plan for this, MAG080 seems to hint at “Fire.”)

Unclear: The Dark (15th May 2015? 10th February 2017? It Was Coming Soon according to Nathalie Ennis), The Desolation (before April 2015).

No indication (yet?): The Lonely (I’m very subjectively suspecting that this one might not have a ritual, since “almost” all of the Fears have one according to Gerry, and that that’s why the Lukases are collaborating with various other Entities’ clusters by throwing money at them), The End (I’m also thinking that this one could turn out to not actually have a ritual?), The Vast (are they planning to yeet Earth into Space), The Hunt (Gertrude was not convinced but mentioned that it could happen in America), The Slaughter (… we got a few statements showing that when a Slaughter event happens, it goes HARD anyway, so I fear (ha) what its ritual attempt would look like – maybe during a recent war or civilian repression?), The Corruption (though might have tried something in the tunnels below the Institute during The Hive’s invasion, given the ring of worms? Though it would sound a bit low-scale, since only Jane Prentiss was there…), The Web (Though There Is The Matter Of What The Heck Is The Deal With The House On Hill Top Road).

- Alriiiiiiiiiiiiiight, so:

(MAG130) GERTRUDE: […] Tom Haan might be a bit more of a problem, as it looks like he also survived, but I’m hopeful he has been weakened enough by this failure to not be an issue in the near future. Hopefully, he’ll fade away or burn out, as they tend to when robbed of their purpose. Still… I should keep a watch on him in case of any erratic behaviour that might lead to complications. Also worth watching out for any additional esoteric fall-out from the ritual attempt, like that Carlisle boy down in Wandsworth.

a) If I remember, Craig Goodall (the statement-giver from MAG072) had never explicitly mentioned that the Chinese-looking man that had attacked him was “John Haan” (the original owner of the takeaway restaurant, who had been arrested years before the events) – the fire was reported on 27th September 2009, almost a year after the Flesh’s ritual attempt, and the avatar talked about the relation between meat and religion… so indeed, it was probably Tom Haan there, too (I had been a bit confused, back then, unsure if it was John or Tom)?

b) Alright, and MAG030’s events happened in July 2013, we don't know of Tom Haan having been spotted since then, and what was described really sounded like… he put an end to Things then. So same as Breekon, maybe: he faded/self-destructed?

c) Toby Carlisle from MAG018 (“The Man Upstairs”) confirmed as Flesh! Though apparently, he didn’t participated to the ritual, dying in October 2007, although he was affected by its imminence.

I’m late to the party, only realizing now that the “Mrs. Carlisle” whose husband’s corpse wanted her to cannibalize him in 1845 (MAG058) shared her surname with “Toby Carlisle” – both about (MEAAAT) Flesh. Which means that Mrs. Carlisle probably gave in and ate her husband after her statement in order to survive, after all? And that one of her descendants was also Flesh-related? And we already knew about the fact that two people from the Haan family had a special relationship with meat?

We have the Carlisles, the Haans, the von Closens/Keays, the Lukases… Maybe Gerry had been a bit wrong in saying that the Fears don’t care at all about blood? Or are they, like the Fairchilds, adoptive families and the Lukases are still an exception?

- ;; Insisting on this: according to Gertrude, (avatars? monsters?) tend to “burn out when robbed of their purpose”, which indeed seems to have happened to Tom Haan four years and a half after his failed ritual. That…………………… is a short life expectancy if you fail indeed…………….. So even assuming that Jon is still alive (well, “not dead”) when a Watcher’s Crown attempt will be made, and even if he doesn’t die during it, and even if it is stopped in time… it means that Jon would be done for anyway.

Counter-points though: *Jared Hopworth began experimenting with The Boneturner’s Tale starting in 1996 and we know that he was still active and very chill About His Life in 2012 (MAG090). Though… did he even participate in that “Last Feast”, or did he just ignore it to keep doing his own thing?

*Jude Perry didn’t look especially erratic when we met her in 2017 in MAG089, although Gertrude had mentioned that The Lightless Flame’s plans had been stopped shortly before she recorded MAG087’s statement in April 2015 (“their own plans have so recently, erm, gone up in flames.”) So… we’ll… “see”…

- Once again, I really have no idea what state Daisy will be in, assuming that Jon does even manage to get her out of the coffin and that she’s still breathing (even if, hum, not human-shaped or human-minded)……………. But listen. Listen. We had an example of Jon managing to ground someone through compulsion: he did that to Tim during The Unknowing, and it worked! Forcing people to admit the truth manages to get their awareness back!

(MAG118) ARCHIVIST: Tim!! [STATIC:] What do you see? TIM: I see my asshole boss! W– wait… wait… […] ARCHIVIST: Tim! [STATIC:] What’s in your hand? TIM: It’s… I don’t… the– the– … the detonator…

My shipper heart really really hopes that Jon might compulse Daisy into remembering Basira, asking her ~who is it who matters to her~, since Basira was, almost literally, presented as Daisy’s anchor (MAG092, Elias: “the only person you care about […].Your last connection to humanity.”)

Problems: as of MAG122, Jon didn’t remember anything of the Unknowing past Gertrude’s entrance, which means… not remembering Tim’s last moments. And: Jon still had trouble pinning down the relationship between Basira and Daisy in MAG117 (“I–I– I don't quite get those two, I suppose. What they’ve done, seeing what they’ve seen… It’s a hell of a bond. The sort of thing I’ve mostly done alone.”), so… I’m not sure he would think of this option. Jon often has troubles with people’s relationships ;;

SO IT MAKES IT EVEN MORE VALUABLE THAT HE’S GOING TO TRY, ANYWAY, TO SAVE DAISY FROM THE COFFIN……………… Daisy who tried to kill him, who threatened him a few times afterwards, but whom he seemed to kinda like in his own awkward way? Jon really doesn’t want to lose anyone anymore, uh. (;; They’ve not been mentioned recently, but you can still feel the ghosts of Sasha and Tim lingering around.)

- YEAAAAH so Jon is getting ready to get injured again, and he does it in the most self-deprecating, heartbreaking way:

(MAG130) ARCHIVIST: […] What was it she said, “the siren call of Flesh”… Hm. It’s possible, I suppose. It would… hurt, but… Well. What’s another scar? … It’s been two weeks since I heard from Basira. I’m not waiting any longer. I’m getting Daisy back. End recording.

JON ;;;;;

a) If it is indeed a Flesh-related scar (will he get his hands on something from Artefact storage? or would it be “Flesh”-compatible by the simple fact of purposely injuring oneself?): Jon… is making progress on completing the set of Entity-related wounds. And we know he’s aware that it’s been a lot of injuries (MAG127: “Just another scar for the collection!”), but did he notice that he’s been covering all the Fears? We still don’t know for sure if the diversity is relevant, but it’s been a noticeable pattern (for listeners), and it sounds really suspicious… especially when keeping in mind how Elias had described the Archivist’s role (MAG092: “It is your job to chronicle these things, to experience them, whether first-hand or through the eyes of others. To simply be told, well…”).

Jon was touched by the Web when he was a child (MAG081: “The first of the dark powers to touch me, perhaps, but it did not claim me.”); he’s Beholding’s Archivist. As for the Corruption, he got almost eaten alive by Jane Prentiss’s worms (MAG039); “Michael” from the Spiral stabbed him when he tried to retrieve Helen (MAG047); Jude Perry from the Desolation burned his hand through a handshake (MAG089); Mike Crew made him experience the Vast and probably fucked up his lungs a bit (MAG091); Daisy strangled him and/or cut his neck (MAG091); the Not!Them toyed with his memories of Sasha (starting MAG040), Nikola punched(?) him (MAG097) and held him captive for a month (MAG101), and Jon ultimately experienced the Stranger’s Unknowing himself, getting temporarily lost in the madness (MAG118+MAG119); the End couldn’t totally get his grasp on him while Jon was in his coma but Jon was then “balanced on an edge” (MAG121); Melanie stabbed him in the shoulder with a scalpel while she was infected by the Slaughter (MAG125); since Peter Lukas has been running the Institute, Jon has mentioned multiple times that he was feeling alone/lonely, which… could be a Lonely-induced state of mind (MAG125, MAG129), with everyone drifting away because of its effects.

Jon is still missing the Buried, the Flesh and the Dark. If Jon is getting his scars from the Buried AND the Flesh in one go, he will only be missing the Dark’s (and potentially the unidentified ~New Emergence~), which is already lurking around the Institute.

It’s going FAST.

b) Jon has been holding back, so well and on multiple accounts é_è He stuck with it and didn’t try to come in contact with Melanie! If he didn’t lie by omission, he has been managing to not Know about Basira’s current activities (MAG129: “I haven’t heard from Basira, since she left on whatever secret errand”)!! Well, he went to see Martin when he got the Insight that he was around in MAG129, but Martin hadn’t told him to “stop finding” him yet, so Jon didn’t break any promise. And, well, although he’s resolving to go into the coffin at the end of MAG130… he managed to not try anything since Basira left two weeks ago, and she’s been taking longer than what she had announced (MAG128: “I’ll try and be back in a week or two. Don’t think about me.”); the fact that Basira is still not coming back indeed changes the paradigms a bit. (What is she doing… Where did Elias send her to… Was Elias’s plan precisely to remove her from the Institute, to get Jon more prone to getting involved himself…)

Even statements-wise!

MAG121 (+MAG122?): February 15th 2018 MAG123: February 17th (“Two days out of a coma, and I’m already tired.”) MAG124: February 24th~ (“It’s been a week and… Melanie’s attitude towards me hasn’t softened.”) MAG125: ? MAG126: ? MAG127: ? MAG128: 3rd March (Basira leaving) MAG129: ? MAG130: 17th~ March (“It’s been two weeks since I heard from Basira”)

There was a very intense period from MAG124 to MAG128, but since Basira’s departure, it seems that Jon has gone back to the casual and safe rhythm of one statement a week. Take that, Elias and your “And I know you’ve had problems with moderation.” :www Jon has been doing good on his own!

c) It’s SAD, once again, that Jon reached the conclusion that he had to do something by himself, and that this something involved getting hurt. I don’t see any of the others taking it kindly: Melanie could be indifferent, but Basira will probably point out that Jon didn’t prove himself trustworthy (going into the coffin when she had told him not to) and Martin… would probably scream at Jon a bit for getting injured.

But at the same time, yes, what is Jon supposed to do? He lost Sasha when he was ignorant; he lost Tim when he was knowledgeable, and thought that Daisy had disappeared too. Jon is still the one who has the best chance of not dying; he’s the one with the most powers; he proved that he could neutralise Breekon when he was on the verge of attacking. Of course that, now that he’s discovered that he could possibly “undo” another death, and if the only downside would be him getting injured… he would take that chance. Especially when Gertrude casually mentioned that:

(MAG130) GERTRUDE: Also… I can’t rely on having this much lead time. I’ve had ten years tracking supplicants drawn by the siren call of Flesh, watching them gradually stockpiling meat. Very useful, in terms of preparation time for derailing the final push, but in future… I think I need to get a little bit more… proactive.

Meaning she let a few members of The Flesh run wild for ten years, for the Greater Good of “derailing” their ritual later. Meaning she probably allowed them to hurt, torture and kill innocent people all this time. Typical Gertrude and she had her priorities (saving the world, and at what cost?). Jon’s priorities are… Well. We don’t officially know them, but the assistants seem to be pretty much at the top of his list right now.

And damnit!! Jon tried to reach out to the others, to explain to them what was happening! He tried to infodump to Martin! He confessed to Martin that he missed him and was worried for him! He told Basira about his new powers and told her they were on the same side! And Martin and Basira both chose to remain solo in their own quests. But Jon tried; it has nothing to do with the way he tried to protect Tim and Martin at the end of season 2, or the way he avoided all the assistants before Nikola kidnapped him in season 3 (MAG098, Martin: “Yeah, we talked. Not long, he– Y’know, I think he thinks that the distance keeps us safe, you know? Like, like, if he just makes sure that we’re not involved, we’re somehow fine.”) He tried and just spent two weeks with the coffin for sole company, knowing that there could be a chance of rescuing Daisy and knowing that she is not having a great time inside (MAG128, Breekon: “You can stare at it, knowing how your feral friend suffers, knowing how powerless you are to help. And when you can’t bear it any longer, knowing that you can climb in and join her…”).

Jon is only finding another way now because communicating didn’t work when all he got was doors getting shut in his face. He would even have reasons to snap if someone were to reproach him for trying something alone… ;;

- Regarding MAG131, since we already have the title, I wiiiiish we could have Melanie stopping Jon dead (…) in his tracks and instead giving him a statement of The Flesh attack on the Institute, but alas :| If Jon is planning to amputate (perhaps temporarily, before sewing it back? He said “another scar”, didn’t mention a missing body part) or hurt himself (blood to attract Daisy once inside?), I don’t knoooow what he would aim for. Something grand and over the top like HIS HEART, SINCE HE MENTIONED THE WEB’S “HEART”? Something symbolically appropriate like his eyes (L I S T E N, ~THE RELATION BETWEEN EYES AND KNOWLEDGE~ HAS BEEN AN OLD ONE SINCE ŒDIPUS………………)? His head? … Honestly, I think I would be more disturbed if it turned out to be something small and… closer to a real-life injury (a finger, a bit of an ear, etc.) Another option would have been to use The Boneturner’s Tale or to ask for Jared’s, uh, “help” (stealing bones/organs directly from Jon), since Gregory Pryor had mentioned how he could still feel his own bones “twisting in someone else’s arm” after they had been stolen from him in MAG049, but we don’t know where the book is, The Flesh already tried to destroy the Archives when Jon was in a coma (they’re not allies), and Jon seemed keen on acting as fast as possible. Still, not totally excluding the possibility of Jon taking the time to go after a Flesh avatar in MAG131 (although it sounds like he’s getting ready to jump in the coffin already). Martin had even highlighted that he couldn’t be sure whether “J”’s gym was still running or not since August 2013 (MAG090: “The, um… the supplemental materials that should go with this statement, providing more details on addresses, names, and stuff, seems to be missing, so we don’t have any way of tracking down the gym, or finding out the name the business might be operating under. Not without a 2013 copy of the Aberdeen Yellow Pages. A bit of relief, in some ways.”) Orrrr I guess that Jon could also be cunning and only pretending to totally miss the point, just to make The Web freak out and come out of its hiding spot to stop him, but Jon hasn’t been hiding from his recording since the whole Sceptical Show from season 1… So I don’t know. (Why are you so intent on getting honest on tape now that you know that Fear entities are listening to you, Jon?)

Re: the coffin, by the way. I wonder how we would be “told” of what is happening down there, if Jon goes inside? Would we witness it live, through a tape recorder? Would we get the reactions from people outside (Martin, Melanie and/or Basira) while Jon still hasn’t come back, before Jon would give a quick summary? Would Jon (or Daisy) give a full statement of what happened? … Would Elias give a Statement Never Given of the whole thing? (In that case, I’d really hope that Jon’s anchor would turn out to be MARTIN INDEED IN THE END, because then, Elias would have to narrate the whole ordeal, and I’m ALL for Elias’s pain while he would grit his teeth with utter disgust, come on, you know you want it too.)

And still no idea about Jon’s anchor /o/ I said last time that I felt that MAG129 was precisely introducing the idea that it wouldn’t be Martin, since Martin told Jon to stop “finding” him… but it wouldn’t mean that Jon would stop. And it’s one of the few things that Jon actively seeks out himself – the tape recorders are the ones stalking him, for example, and sadly so was The Distortion (;; I want Helen baaaack…). We don’t know whether he tends to go back to the Web’s lighter or if it’s the lighter which stuck to him.

The call of a cigarette? The Archives themselves? The Eye’s presence? The jar containing Jane Prentiss’s ashes? Jon’s fondness for meat? (MAG115: “I suppose in some ways it’s strange I’m not a vegetarian yet, what with everything I know. But… I rather think someone in my position has to take their small pleasures where they can, and if it occasionally delights some grotesque meat-god, well... c’est la vie.”) Regrets about his life choices?

[klove0511]

At Any Cost Chapter 2

Sam sipped his whiskey while Bobby watched him warily though he’d been sufficiently convinced Sam was who he said he was. Neither of them had an explanation for why Sam had reacted to the banishing sigil though, and Bobby was trying to insist they call Dean.

“Please, no. I can’t drag him into this. Especially not now. You and I can figure this out, fix me. He never needs to know. I’ll call him after we fix this. Please.”

Bobby grumbled but gave in for the moment. “You try calling Feathers yet? Betcha he can shed some light on this.”

Sam wasn’t sure exactly what to call his reaction to that casual revelation. Shock, mostly, but also relief, joy, maybe even regret. He hadn’t even asked yet how Bobby was alive, but if Cas was too, then he supposed he had his answer. Mutely he shook his head, then closed his eyes to pray. He heard one of Bobby’s phones ringing and the scrape of the chair as he got up to answer it. Sam took a deep breath and refocused himself.

 Castiel’s first reaction to hearing a prayer directed at him was annoyance. The humans had been quiet lately—a good thing which had left him plenty of time to focus on the war efforts. Receiving a prayer in the middle of a staff meeting was less than ideal. However, he quickly realized it was Sam calling for him. He couldn’t go immediately, though he wanted to, but he would leave as soon as the meeting was over.

“Do we have any further reports on how Raphael intends to restart the Apocalypse?” he asked.

His lieutenants shook their heads. Fantastic. They knew what Raphael wanted, but they had precious little information on how he intended to make it happen. “That remains our first priority, then. We cannot prevent the Apocalypse if we do not know what events will lead to it. Rachel, where are we in recruitment?”

Rachel cleared her throat. “Largely stalled, sir. The angels that have not chosen a side seem to be waiting to see how the first skirmishes play out.”

Castiel closed his eyes. They would not win without vastly superior numbers, not against an archangel. “Thank you.”

“Sir?” she continued. “When are we going to strike? It is a question I have heard many times among the flights of angels on our side.”

“I do not want this war, and we will not strike first. We will not be responsible for the death of angels if at all possible.”

“You still hope to be able to negotiate?”

Castiel shook his head, annoyed that he needed to answer this question again and wanting to go to Sam. “Raphael will not back down. War is inevitable, but we will not draw first blood. Our goal remains the same: prevent the Apocalypse. Get me information on how to do that. Dismissed.”  With that, he flew to Earth.

 Dean stared at the phone in his hand. His alcohol induced sleep had carried him through lunch, and his hangover was pounding behind his eyes. He didn’t want to call, but it was Sam’s birthday and he wanted to hear a friendly voice. For once he wanted to talk to someone who’d known his brother.

Before he could rethink it, he dialed and pressed the phone to his ear. It rang long enough that he thought Bobby wasn’t going to answer, but finally he picked up and a gruff voiced said, “Hello?”

“Bobby.”

“Dean? Been a long time. You doing ok?”

Dean’s eyes burned. It was so good to hear his voice. “Yeah. Just thought I’d check in.”

He waited for Bobby to call him out for the obvious lie. Even he could hear how alcohol-rough his voice was, and they both knew what day it was. “Not much going on around here. Just the usual. Things quiet in your neck of the woods?”

He couldn’t decide if he was grateful Bobby hadn’t mentioned hunting explicitly or not, but the guilt of sitting at home while others went out and fought punched him in the gut. “Yeah. Ben’s just finishing up the school year, then Lisa wants to go on some sort of vacation. Not sure how I feel about that.”

“Sounds like you got a good thing there, boy. I’m happy for you.” He paused, and Dean braced himself for what was coming next. “Sam would be too.”

He closed his eyes and felt a tear break free, streaming down his face in a burning line. “I know.” He could hear the sincerity in Bobby’s voice, and he wasn’t sure how to tell him that sometimes he still wanted to commit suicide by monster. It was only his promise to Sam that kept him where he was. If he ever managed to spring Sam from the Cage, he wasn’t sure where they would end up. Probably wherever Sam wanted.

He and Bobby made awkward small talk for a while longer, before the hunter had to go. Dean hung up the phone and reached for the bottle of whiskey.

 “Sam.” The deep voice cut the air, and Sam’s eyes flew open. A glowing ball of light with wings stood in front of him, though he would have sworn he’d heard Cas’s voice. After a second his eyes adjusted, and he could see Castiel’s vessel around his grace.

“Cas.” He beamed. “I’m glad you’re ok.”

Cas’s eyes were narrowed, though, studying Sam.

Sam squirmed under the angel’s stare. He stood, busying himself with the books on Bobby’s desk. “There’s, uh, something I wanted to talk to you about. Bobby thought you might be able to help.”

“Your grace,” Castiel said, too fast.

Sam’s head jerked around to face the angel. “What grace?” Cold fear washed over Sam as he thought about where he could have picked up grace. He clenched his jaw. “Him?”

Castiel looked confused for a moment, then understanding seemed to dawn and he replied, “No, Sam, Lucifer has not escaped the Cage, to my knowledge. You are carrying some of his grace, but you seem to also have some of Michael’s as well.”

“What? How?” Sam was trying to make sense of it, trying to wrap his brain around the idea that part of Lucifer was inside him still, and perhaps worse, so was part of Michael.

Cas shook his head minutely. “I don’t know. This sort of phenomenon is without precedent, but it seems unlikely to harm you.” He tilted his head, gaze suddenly distant as though he was listening to something out of Sam’s hearing. “I’m sorry, Sam. I have to go.”

“Wait!” Sam yelled. “What does this mean? Do I have angel powers now or something?”

Cas frowned. “I have no idea. It is certainly a possibility.” He turned away and closed his eyes. “I apologize for being unable to stay. I just received word that Raphael is attacking.” With that, he vanished.

Anxiety sat like a stone in Sam’s stomach. Nothing Cas said had been reassuring. He sighed and headed out into the junkyard. Better try to find out if he had any powers out where he couldn’t hurt anyone.

 Sam found an isolated area of the junkyard that he and Dean had used for target practice in the past. There were still plenty of empty beer bottles and detritus that he could mess with. He just wasn’t sure where to start. When he’d been on demon blood, the power thrumming through him had felt so obvious. Reaching for it had been easy. This felt more slippery, like trying to grab onto his own soul somehow.

He reached, directing it to a small pile of garbage. A tin can rolled over, and nothing else happened. Frowning, he tried again, pulling harder at the electricity that had been building under his skin for days. Still nothing. His body tingled and thrummed, but he couldn’t figure out how to use the power. He tried levitation, flying, and flinging more power at random piles of garbage, and came up with a lot of nothing to show for his effort.

Annoyed, he slouched on a tree stump and yelled his frustration. All around him glass shattered. He covered his head instinctively and cursed as he realized he had done that. This was exactly what he’d feared. Unpredictable powers that he couldn’t control.

That night in bed, he reasoned with himself. He didn’t want this power, couldn’t effectively use it. All he really needed to do was find a way to suppress it, or at least gain enough control that he didn’t start breaking things on accident.

He and Bobby dug through books for weeks following Cas’s revelation, but they couldn’t find anything about suppressing grace. For all the lore Bobby had on angels, they found that most of it was either inaccurate compared to their personal experiences or just plain unhelpful. Meanwhile, Sam kept having burps of power that always had an unexpected effect. One day he’d blown out all the windows in the kitchen, miraculously leaving the glasses and plates intact. Another day had seen him tossing a book in frustration and accidentally knocking over three chairs with his mind. The hiccups seemed to happen most when he was angry or frustrated, so he took a lesson from the Incredible Hulk and took up meditation.

More time passed before Sam finally felt like he was getting a handle on things. The research was going as badly as ever, and Cas hadn’t responded to any more of his prayers, but there hadn’t been an accident in two weeks. If he couldn’t lose the grace entirely, then dormancy was the next best option. They had no answers on how Sam got out of Hell, but other than Castiel’s hint that things might not be completely calm in Heaven nothing had popped out of the woodwork with demands of Sam. Summer was bleeding into fall, and Sam thought he was finally ready to see Dean.

 Dean blinked awake and wondered for a minute where he was. Even after more than a year of waking up in the same bed, more often than not he woke up disoriented. It struck him as strange, when he bothered to think about it, because he had so rarely forgotten where they were when he’d been on the road with Sam.

Slowly, Dean levered himself upright. It was Saturday, so no work. Lisa’s side of the bed was cool and empty. She must be downstairs making breakfast already. Just another week or two until Ben started school again, so she had informed them both at dinner last night that Saturday was reserved for school shopping. Dean quietly groaned. He barely even had a concept of what school shopping was. This time last year he’d been existing in a drunken haze, and there had never been much shopping done when they were kids. Not for school, anyway. A notebook or two lifted from a grocery store or K-Mart, stolen motel pens and Sam had been good to go. He swallowed past the lump in his throat. Christ. Was thinking about him ever going to get easier?

Downstairs, he grunted his way though his first cup of coffee and made small talk with Ben. “You excited about school?” Dean asked. Dumb question, and he knew it. Kids were never excited about school. Well, kids that weren’t Sam.

Ben shook his head, mouth full of eggs. “It’s ok, I guess, but I wish it could be summer forever. I mean, who’s ever going to need to know about the Revolutionary War anyhow?”

Dean smirked. “I hear you, kid. School was never really my thing either. But, uh, keep at it. Never know when it’ll come in handy. I can’t count the number—”

“Yeah, yeah. Sam was a genius, and history saved your asses.” Ben rolled his eyes.

“Ben, language,” Lisa chastised.

“Sorry. Saved your butts.” Sarcasm dripped from his words.

Dean clenched his jaw. He felt Lisa watching him, trusting him to handle this without losing his cool, but he snapped, “Show some respect. Sam was a damn hero.” He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. Ben wasn’t a bad kid, and he didn’t usually mouth off. Compared to Sam and Dean at his age, Ben was practically perfect. Still, it took all of Dean’s self-control to not lay into the kid. Feeling calmer, he said, “And yeah, he was, and it did. He always managed to pull some weird fact out of his giant head that happened to be relevant to the hunt we were on. Saved us more than once.”

Ben looked ready to continue sniping—Dean wondered what had crawled up his ass that morning—but he stopped short at a glance from his mom.

“Ben, go outside for a while. We’ll go shopping after lunch, and I expect you to stow that attitude by then.” Dean had to hand it to her, her voice was calm, but even he recognized that her tone brooked no argument.

After Ben disappeared out the back door, Dean slowly released the death grip he’d had on his coffee cup. He hadn’t even realized he was white-knuckling the thing.

“You know he doesn’t mean it,” she said, softly.

“I know.”

She smiled, quirking an eyebrow suggestively. “Come on, let’s go enjoy our morning off.” It didn’t take much convincing to get Dean to follow her back to bed.

 Shopping went badly. Ben had not lost the snarky attitude, and Dean had rapidly lost patience. After the fifth time Ben made a snide comment about Sam, a screaming match was inevitable. Luckily, they had made it back to the house before they let words fly. After Ben stormed off to his room, Dean looked helplessly at Lisa. “What the hell is going on with him today?”

She shook her head. “Give him a few minutes, then go talk to him. And when you do, try to go easy on him. I think he’s just feeling overshadowed by Sam lately.”

Dean shot her a puzzled look, but she wouldn’t elaborate.

Half an hour later, he knocked on Ben’s door.

“Go away.”

Dean winced. “Can’t do that. Can I come in? Less awkward than talking through the door.”

No answer. Dean was about to settle himself in the hallway when the door opened a crack. He took it for the invitation it was and went in. Sitting beside Ben on the bed, he began. “I’m sorry.”

Ben looked up, startled. “Why are you sorry?”

Dean took a deep breath. “Your mom may have pointed out that I’ve been talking about Sam a lot lately, today in particular.”

Ben shrugged one shoulder. “So? You’re allowed to talk about him.”

Dean nodded slowly. “Ok. But how does it make you feel when I talk about him?” He tried not to stare at Ben while he waited for an answer.

Ben ducked his head and started picking at his nails. “Dunno. Fine, I guess.”

Dean huffed. “Yeah, that’s convincing. Try again.”

Ben squirmed. “Like I’m never gonna be as good as him. Like… you wish he was here instead of me. Like I’m just some crappy replacement.”

“Ouch. Ok, first, you aren’t replacing Sam, so you can’t be a crappy replacement. Second, you are awesome. He was awesome too, and yeah, sometimes you remind me of him so much it hurts. But it’s not a competition. I like you because you’re Ben, not because you’re Sammy 2.0. And third,” Dean took a deep breath, “I do wish he was here. Every single day. Sometimes talking about him makes me feel like he is, a little. And sometimes I talk about him because I’m scared I’ll forget him if I don’t. But, Ben, this part is important, ok? I don’t wish he was here instead of you and your mom.”

Before Ben could answer, Lisa threw open the door, panting from running up the stairs at breakneck speed. “Dean, we have a problem,” she said, eyes wide with fear. She explained, and Dean felt himself slide effortlessly back into hunter mode.

He kept supplies stashed around the house in case of emergencies, a precaution which made him glad now as he gathered a little bit of everything—salt rounds, holy water, silver. Sufficiently armed and his family hiding out upstairs, Dean padded silently to the front door. He glanced through one of the front windows and gulped. Lisa hadn’t been kidding. Standing at the door was a perfect likeness of his brother.

He braced himself, cocked his shotgun, and opened the door, leveling the gun at his brother’s doppelganger.

 Sam was regretting his decision to come alone. He was nervous, and at the very least Bobby would have been someone to talk to. He also suspected there was a better than even chance Dean was going to shoot him on sight. Still, he stood on Lisa’s front porch, trying not to think about all the what ifs. What if Dean didn’t want to see him? What if he didn’t believe it was really Sam? Worse, what if he did believe Sam, and then found out about the grace? Sam took a calming breath. No. It was going to be fine. He hadn’t just ruined Dean’s life by ringing the doorbell.

He sensed Dean on the other side of the door a few minutes later, probably armed to the teeth. Maybe—hopefully—he had super healing abilities now, too.

The door opened, and Dean was aiming a shotgun at him. “Whatever the hell you are, you should know better than to come here wearing that face.”

Sam swallowed hard and slowly raised his hands. “Test me. Or call Bobby. He can vouch for me. It’s really me, Dean. I got out. I’m back.”

Dean’s jaw worked, and for a minute Sam was afraid he was going to get shot anyway. Finally, he ran Sam through the tests, ending with a brief phone call to Bobby for good measure. The old hunter cursed them both out for being idiots but confirmed that Sam was back and no, they didn’t know how.

Dean hung up the phone and stared at it for a second, trying to compose himself. He slowly lowered the shotgun to the floor, thumbing on the safety by instinct before dropping the gun completely. “Sammy,” he breathed. Taking a step forward, he pulled Sam into a tight hug. Sam closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of his big brother as he held on with everything he had. A breath, two, then Dean released him.

“How the hell are you here?” Dean asked.

Sam grinned. “No idea.” Sam explained briefly about waking up and finding out Bobby was alive and his futile search for answers, skirting the issue of his additional baggage.

They were moving toward the living room when Dean stopped, throwing an arm in front of Sam. “Wait, how long have you been back?”

Sam grimaced. “Not long. Couple months, maybe.”

Dean shook his head in disbelief. “A couple months? You’ve been back for months and you couldn’t even call?”

“I wanted to come. I did, Dean, right away, but I—I needed time.”

“Time. Right. Because how could I possibly understand what it’s like to mysteriously get out of Hell.” He rolled his eyes and turned away from Sam.

Sam closed his eyes. This was not how their reunion was supposed to go. “I couldn’t bring that here, Dean. I didn’t want to ruin what you’ve built with them.” He prayed this would be enough to convince Dean he hadn’t been avoiding him, not because he wanted to.

Dean chuckled darkly. “Yeah, well, I wanted you to be not dead.”

Sam shrugged and tried another smile. “I’m here now.”

Dean half-turned to look at him. “And you’re, what? Topside a couple weeks and you’re good now?”

It was Sam’s turn to avoid eye contact. He studied the pictures on the mantle—mostly of Lisa and Ben, but a smiling Dean featured in several. Once more he wondered if he was doing the right thing by coming here. “I don’t know that I’d say good, exactly. I’m dealing.”

Dean hesitated. “You want to talk about it?”

“I really don’t,” Sam said, hoping Dean would just let it go for now.

Dean looked at Sam for a long moment, and then, as if it had finally sunk in that Sam was there, and alive, and more or less ok, his face lit up like Christmas. “Holy shit, Sam. I can’t believe you’re really here. Let me show you around.”

 Sam ended up spending the night in Lisa’s guest room. After Dean had confirmed for her that it was really him and not a monster, she’d insisted. Couldn’t make the guy who’d saved the world go stay at a motel after all. Then, he just never left. After a week, Dean broached the idea of hunting, but Sam shot it down. He didn’t miss the look of relief on Dean’s face when Sam said he wanted them both to retire. After that Dean helped him find work, pulled a few strings and called in some favors and got Sam working construction with him. Working together again felt good, even if it was a very different kind of work.

Everything was good, really good. The kind of good that the Winchesters had learned not to trust because it always ended bloody.

Back to Masterpost

[theinquisitivej]

‘The Kid Who Would Be King’ - A Movie Review

A new film from Joe Cornish, the director who gave us Attack the Block, The Kid Who Would be King is another entertaining British film about kids fighting unearthly forces while the story emphasises the values of people who view each other with hostility and distrust coming together and breaking down their divisions. The difference this time is, rather than teenagers fighting off an alien invasion on a council estate, we're watching pre-teen schoolkids get wrapped up in a modern-day Arthuian Legend. If you remember my Late to the Party review of Attack the Block, you'll know there are parts of it I admire, but the total experience wasn't for me. This time, I came away rather fond of this film.

         The music is one of the film's aspects that I most appreciated. While there are several action sequences where the music doesn't quite reach the memorable heights of the movie’s parts, in-between the action there is a compelling use of synth which creates atmospheric and warm music that gives this film its heart. It's the kind of sound you'd expect to hear in an old childhood favourite real-world meets fantasy film that you watched all the time as a kid (think Flight of the Navigator), or in more recent nostalgic media like Stranger Things, or even the director’s other film Attack the Block. It gives the film a sense of earnestness and an enjoyable aesthetic which is occasionally missing from the visuals. The way magic is presented is also distinctive and done very well. Part of why it's enjoyable to experience is that the playful music creates a theme for Merlin which is always filled with a peculiar bounciness that mirrors how the other characters would see him, which makes the things we see him do whimsically delightful. Another factor to why it works as well as it does is the rapid hand movements used to create magic - it’s mesmerising, and always done with a sense of purposefulness and urgency which makes the hand movements required to produce magic seem calculated rather than just a series of random flailing movements. And when you do see magic happen, it feels electric and dangerous, like it will pass in an instant but leave a permanent impression on the people and world around the person who conjured it.

         On the whole, the actors do a fine enough job. An emphasis on child performances often invites scrutinization, but I'd say I liked everyone and felt I was watching real kids respond to these situations. Having said that, sometimes the script is a little too specific and rigid in its attempts to have characters say what needs to be said or get across some key exposition. As such, the performances of the young cast feel less free-flowing and instantly charming than what you'd see in something like IT: Chapter One. Whether the performances feel natural or not, there’s nevertheless an earnest effort being put into making the key scenes work, which means you do get some dramatic scenes which have an emotional punch to them. That goes a long way, and it provides ample content for audiences to connect with these characters throughout the film. But if I had to pick, Angus Imrie, who plays the young Merlin, is probably the highlight due to his distinct energy and enthusiasm.

         The Kid Who Would Be King works as a decent introduction to the hero’s journey, so if you or someone you know are really into stories with that kind of framework, you'll definitely get something out of this film. It's particularly poignant because the return home, a meaningful and important step in the traditional hero's journey, is, in this case, a return home to the domestic and everyday world of contemporary Britain. The film closes with an acknowledgement that things are still looking bleak in a lot of ways throughout the country, and while it never explicitly states the anxiety-inducing and all too familiar phrase 'Brexit', it might as well. There's so much uncertainty surrounding what the future holds for us right now, and those frightening feelings are absolutely picked up on and shared by the younger generation. Children are always susceptible to feeling powerless, but I'd imagine the rapid changes the world is seeing these last few years is making that alienating experience even more pronounced. The Kid Who Would be King tells a story squarely aimed at kids (though it is absolutely capable of being enjoyed and meaningful to older viewers) that hands the power back to them. The course of the journey emphasises core values that Alex and his friends take to heart, and they take them home to heal old pains, reconnect with loved ones, come together with others, and walk forward to the future to do their best to make things better. If the return home is an opportunity to make the home better using what you've learned along your journey, then this is a great set of values that British kids, and all kids really, should take to heart from experiencing the journey of this story.

         As for my last few quibbles with the film, I'd say that certain characters, specifically the two bullies who join the group, kind of stop developing after their key scene a little over halfway through the movie. After that, you just see them continue as they are, and there’s not much more to them after their key development has been realised. I would have liked to have seen more about what they want to do next or where they go from here after having made this progress, because as is, they seem to be stuck two thirds of the way through an unfinished character journey. Also, this is a very little thing, but I didn’t like the way Merlin would use his magic towards the end of the film. Minor spoilers, but right after Alex explains to his headmistress that all of Britain will be put under slavery if the evil forces they're up against triumph, Merlin casts a mind control spell over her to facilitate the main group's goals. After that, they do the same to all the other teachers and herd them into a classroom where they sit, like cattle. It just feels a little misplaced, poorly conceived, and antithetical to what the heroes are trying to achieve, because they're more or less forcing the teachers to do things for them that they wouldn't ordinarily have done, which is not too far away from making them, even if only temporarily, slaves to help them achieve their own means.

         But The Kid Who Would Be King is, overall, a well-executed adventure movie that will hit its mark with kids of a similar age to the main characters. It’s for kids who enjoy fantasy but are also smart enough to be concerned about the things in the world that aren’t looking too great right now. The Brexit parallels are immediately apparent, but it also touches on pervading concerns such as climate change, homelessness, and generally the huge problems of the world which hit you in the face every day on your walk to work, or, indeed, to school. It’s got a purposefulness to it, and it’s very direct with what it wants to talk about, and that’s a positive thing to see in media today. It has a message in one hand and has its other hand stretched out to lead you on an enjoyable adventure, if you want to come along. It’s not a film that set the world on fire for me personally, but it will be inspiring to a lot of people who are at just the point in their lives when they need to hear what this movie has to say. One line in particular that I will carry with me is “if your legends say otherwise, maybe it’s time to rewrite them”. The stories that have shaped us and generations before us do not have to be the final word on who we are and who we can be, because it’s entirely up to us to write our own stories.

Final Ranking: Bronze.

It has a few uneven areas, but The Kid Who Would Be King is exactly the sort of thing I would’ve loved as a kid, and I think it will go down especially well for children today. Earnest and encouraging.

[vote-loki]

List of things my family did before I went to the mental hospital that made my anxiety way way worse because I feel the need to publicly shame my family since I’m mad at my mom for saying my phone causes all my health problems and my dad for similar reasons:

1.) my mom consistently told me I was faking absolutely everything. Every massive screaming panic attack I had when I was literally rubbing the skin on my arm raw, since I rub my arms when I get anxious, was just me faking. The migraines and stuff I get three times a week, she told me I faked those (because she used to get nine and that’s much more realistic and obviously not anything I could inherit) and that I was doing everything to get out of school

2.) spent the entire summer telling me I could do online school and then took me to enroll at a physical school. I had saved the money for the first few online school payments (I planned on getting a better job after my summer one ended) on my own and was working at a job that treated me like shit for it and when she did that I like weird panicked and stopped saving money and blew through it.

3.) when my mom called the school and had them block my car in with the school cop after my dad said I could go home which triggered a second panic attack and the assistant principal at my school had to watch me drive heave on the pavement and rub my arm to bleeding before he called my mom to tell her he sent me home

4.) after that incident I decided I couldn’t go back to Staley and my mom told me if I didn’t go to Staley, not even if I transferred to a different school in the district, that I would be forced to sell ALL of my instruments (20 of them are mine personally and this one is particularly mean since she knows I’d never be able to afford to buy them all back and a few of them belonged to family members who’ve passed), and I would have to start paying her rent, she’d take my car and phone AND I’d have to quit my job (which hello how would I pay rent?) none of it made sense and when I explained this to her she said she’d never said that

5.) everytime I’d panic, no matter where I was or why I was panicking I’d call my mom because I just wanted to talk to someone and couldn’t think well enough to remember to call anyone else but instead of talking to me she’d start fucking screaming at me and when I confronted her about this she said “well your anxiety triggers mine” okay? And your reaction to anxiety is to call your child a faking bitch and tell her that she doesn’t deserve to feel better? Likely. Those are direct quotes btw she really called me names when I was at my mental lowest!!!!

6.) I once texted my dad a full explanation about why I was so upset once and it was really long and he chastised me for sending him anything and said to talk to my mom, after telling me I could just talk to him since mom didn’t react well to me when I was upset and I told him this and he responded “I’m not reading that book. I don’t care that you’re upset.”

7.) I asked my dad why he constantly sided with my mom about things (like when I was 16 and she kicked me out for a month because I told her she couldn’t do my laundry, that’s a story. Or when I was fifteen and she beat me with a wallet, another story) and why he let her scream at me when I was panicking and why he let her threaten to take away my things and even things they provided that I didn’t care if they took away and he said “she’s my wife and she’s the adult so I don’t care what you’re defense for yourself is even if it is correct. She’s right”

8.) when I went to enroll in my senior year I kept threatening to do things that would hurt or threaten my life at school while we were there if my mom didn’t take me home and she didn’t put me in the hospital till almost October because I was clearly just “being dramatic”

9.) the last time my mom threatened to take away my things, including all my clothes and bed sheets most of which I paid for, and the only stuffed animals I still really have which is a big pillow I’ve had since birth and a pink hippo me and my great grandma both had that my aunt Kathy bought us when we thought my grandma was gonna die in the hospital but she didn’t die for like ten more years (you understand why that would be upsetting for her to take), I took 100% of everything out of my room and dropped it in hers and told her if she wanted it she had to find space for it because she couldn’t store her things in my room and she got so mad she called my grandma and they both said “she didn’t say that that isn’t what she meant” and got pissed at me for doing that, but like why were you threatening to take my fucking clothes away Bitch? My grandma showed up at our house even to help me put things back in my room and couldn’t understand why I was upset since my mom hadn’t said she was taking any of my things. She had. Explicitly.

10.) my mom called my grandpa to come physically drag me out of bed during a panic attack while my dad was out of town, my grandpa got there and saw what was wrong with me and refused since clearly I was upset, I was crying and asked him if he knew the time because I was late for school and needed to get up and get ready but I was too upset to just then and he gave me a hug and left my house after telling my mom to let me be, and so my mom went in and tried to lift me out of bed so hard it bruised me, and then my dad got home cause his flight had come in and the airport is close to my house and he went and screamed at me for panicking and didn’t understand why I was so upset that she’d grabbed me and was mad that I was missing school. I was already panicked I didn’t need to be grabbed and yanked because I was running late to school

11.) I’ve no idea if this actually happened but in an attempt to make me go to school my favorite sister who did very little wrong actually told me that my oldest sister wasn’t going to let me see my nieces ever again if I didn’t graduate from Staley. Both my sisters after my oldest either dropped out or flunked out of college, one of whom worked part time at sams club at the time and the other worked as a waitress. My oldest sister tho thot “well the two sisters that dropped out of school are fine but fucking Cassie wants to do online school so she’s a bad influence.” I’ve no idea if my oldest sister said that but it literally fucked me up so bad

12.) none of my grandparents, including the grandma and grandpa who live up the street from us and were already mentioned, did anything to help or stop my parents from doing what they did because I was am only eighteen, and was seventeen when all that happened and so they weren’t bothering to ask for my side since my parents are the adults and just assumed the narrative of me constantly screaming at my parents and being incredibly rude was true. It was to a point, because I get black out when I panic bad enough and would text my mom big long messages about why I was upset and then she’d start screaming at me and I’d tell her “you’re no fucking help don’t sit there and be a fucking bitch if you aren’t going to fucking help” I know that cause texts but I also don’t remember sending those and have profusely apologized. But my mom would only show them that text and not the text where she was screaming at me and playing the victim and turning it into “so I’m just the worst fucking mother ever huh?” Like I didn’t say that I said I’m upset stop turning the attention to you and please help me calm down

13.) got me a therapist that refused to see me after I got violently ill and called to reschedule an appointment the day before the appointment and then didn’t get me another therapist

14.) literally let me take two ssri’s at once and when I got seratonin syndrome (which can fucking kill you) didn’t take me to the doctor for a week until it was obvious that something was actually wrong because, and I quote, “well Cassie you have such a history of making things up I didn’t even know you weren’t lying.”

15.) again, saying I lied about all of my health issues. I have anxiety & depression, and migraines. Tied to the anxiety is ibs but that’s stomach issues. My depression probably would’ve developed on its own but. The anxiety, especially at school, was because I was missing so much school with stress induced migraines, my junior year I almost flunked out because I had teachers flat refusing to give me homework because they thought I was skipping, teachers never called my parents to ask what was actually wrong, they never asked me what was wrong, they just assumed I was skipping class when I was really sick. That coupled with depression and stuff caused me to develop really intense anxiety around going to school because no matter how hard I tried my teachers weren’t going to let me catch up and so while I did have anxiety before, the migraines didn’t help the situation. All of those issues are on my medical records too. I have been diagnosed with those issues. But I made them up. Obviously.

16.) didn’t take me to the hospital until I said “I’d rather be dead than feel this way.” I said way way way way worse shit before that but they told the doctors they were trying their hardest and that that’s why they brought me in.

Genuinely there was much more but the only person in my family who I have no memories that make me start crying to recall from August to October of 2018 with are my sister Cayla and her mans because they both had a lot of issues with school and never told me anything upsetting outside of letting me vent and offering advice when asked.

A lot of these things are said in favor of me and I still love both of my parents but you have to realize that even as the child in this situation I didn’t deserve anything they were doing to me. They could’ve sat down and talked to me and told me I wasn’t doing online school instead of letting me think I was. They could’ve been caring or not told me I was lying 24/7. Like idk how to paint my mom texting me, there are actual records of her saying directly, “you have to give me all of your things if you don’t do this and I will make you wear one outfit every day. You have to pay rent and sell all your instruments, because none of them can stay in the house. You also have to quit your job, but if you can’t pay rent I’ll kick you out.” In favor of my mom. I don’t know how to say that in a way that makes her look good without 100% denying that she did it. Which is what she did. A lot of the stuff that happened that I didn’t mention doesn’t sound bad but it just builds up and stuff. Like this is a really long post but I’m really upset because I’ve been waking up early and not sleeping well so no sleep which makes me upset and while everyone is asleep right now (I’m on vacation in Minnesota but everyone else in the room is asleep) I’m making a post about this because this morning my dad told my grandma I didn’t actually have insomnia, I had a phone addiction and wouldn’t admit it and he took some digs at me in the car when he thought I couldn’t hear and I’m still really mad about it.

Also I did graduate from Staley so I guess I get to see my nieces still.

[scriptautistic]

Masterpost: Meltdowns

One of the most obviously recognizable autistic traits are meltdowns. Stimming can often be done in subtle ways, allistic-type social skills can often be learned, but meltdowns are simply beyond control. Unfortunately, they’re frequently misunderstood and mishandled by others who don’t realize what they’re seeing.

As always, we want to emphasize that meltdowns are different for everyone. Some autistic people have regular meltdowns. Some experience them rarely or not at all. And they can be caused by different things and experienced differently by different people.

Meltdowns are caused by an overload in the brain. This can be sensory overload, extreme anxiety, emotional distress, or stress: basically, there is too much or something and the brain can’t cope. Whatever the cause, the brain is in a state where it can no longer handle further input.

Many autistic people, especially adults with a lifetime of experience, are able to recognize when they are getting overloaded and are headed for a meltdown. Some people are able to leave the situation which is causing their overload and give themselves time and space for their brains to “catch up” so they can calm down and avoid the meltdown. Sometimes, however, it’s not possible to leave a situation - and sometimes, it’s not clear to the person what is happening. For example, alexithymia might prevent them from being aware that they are getting overloaded. If the person remains in the overload-inducing situation, a meltdown can occur (The person can also experience a shutdown - we’ll get into this in a minute.). Sometimes the meltdown is also caused by internal reasons (anxiety, emotional distress) which can hardly be avoided.

Once in a meltdown, the person no longer has normal control over themselves. The brain goes into “fight or flight” mode. The brain perceives a threat - the cause of the sensory overload, or stress, or whatever people happen to be nearby when it happens. It can also be a vague sense of danger / pain that’s not directed at anything. Logic and reason go out the window, and the person is gripped by a tremendous sense of panic and danger. For some people, their brain is saying: YOU ARE NOT SAFE. YOU NEED TO GET AWAY. Picture a cornered prey animal preparing to fight for its life. That’s the state the brain is in.

The person will then react to the situation as though they are in extreme danger - even if they are logically aware that they are not. Common reactions include:

They may physically run away, or try to run away.

If they are unable to run away, they may try to hide: behind doors, under tables and chairs, behind curtains, anywhere that presents itself. (Mod Aira has been known to try to hide on the couch, under the cushions.)

If approached by other people, they may respond as though they are being attacked (because the brain feels as though they are). This may include screaming, yelling insults and threats, and lashing out physically, punching, kicking, scratching, or even biting.

The character may shout things they would never normally say, including threats, slurs, curse words, etc. Alternatively, they may beg for help, to go home, for their mother, etc.

They may thrash around and/or stim in extreme ways, or in ways that are out of character for them. This can include self-harm: scratching or biting one’s skin or slamming one’s head against the wall or floor are not uncommon. This is an attempt to calm the nervous system.

They may scream, whimper or cry because of the pain they’re in.

They’ll probably have trouble thinking clearly or at all.

Throughout this experience, the person may feel physical pain as well as panic. Common descriptions include having bees in your head, feeling like your skin is trying to crawl off of you, feeling like your chest is trying to implode, or having nerve pain that shoots up and down your body.

In addition to panic, the person is quite likely to feel profound embarrassment and/or shame, especially once the meltdown is over and the person is calming down, and especially if it happened in public. They are often aware that what they are doing is irrational, and they know how awful they look while it’s happening, but they cannot control it in any way.

This is an important thing to note: Meltdowns cannot be controlled or stopped once they begin. They are not related to temper tantrums, which they are commonly mistaken for. A temper tantrum is someone behaving in an extreme way in order to get attention or to manipulate others into giving them what they want. A meltdown is in no way voluntary. It is more like a seizure: a neurological event which cannot be controlled or stopped (though it might be shortened in some situations, and can definitely be made worse).

If a character in your story sees the meltdown happen, there are ways to help, and there are ways to make it worse. If the person knows what is happening and what to do, they can help make the meltdown as short and painless as possible in the following ways:

Do not attempt to talk to or touch the person melting down unless they have explicitly requested that you do so. Some people may find comfort in pressure, for example, and ask friends and family to give them bear hugs when they melt down, but this doesn’t work for everyone and will make some people worse.

If the meltdown is caused by sensory overload, remove as many sources of sensory stimulation as possible. Turn off music (even quiet music, since the person may be extremely sensitive), turn off or dim lights, stop all conversations, etc. If they are able to walk, moving the person out of an overloading setting can be more feasible if the meltdown happens in a public place (supermarket…).

If the meltdown is caused by stress, anxiety or emotional reasons, anything which can help reduce these can help shorten the meltdowns. What can and can’t help depends on the person. Asking someone how to behave if they ever have a meltdown in a moment when they’re NOT having one is a good thing to do, as they won’t be able to tell you when a meltdown has already begun.

Give the person space and keep bystanders away. Ideally, create a situation where no one is looking at them (seeing eyes looking or staring can increase the sense of threat). Explain that they are fine, the situation is under control, and keep them from gawking. If police are around, explain if necessary that the person is autistic but that they will be fine in a few minutes, and that you are taking care of them. Make sure the person does not perceive any extra threats from people approaching them, which might result in a worsening meltdown and possibly even violence.

Once they have calmed down and are ready to talk, don’t make a big deal out of it. Make it clear that you understand this is something beyond their control and that they have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed.

If possible, give the person an escape route. Do not stand between them and the door. Make it clear that they can leave if they need to, and provide a safe space for them to be alone.

Naturally, such perfect “meltdown companions” rarely exist in most autistic people’s lives. Your average well-intentioned friend or family member, and certainly your average stranger, are likely to react in the following ways, and with the following results:

Trying to calm the person down by approaching them, trying to soothe them with gentle touches, stroking their hair, rubbing their back, etc. Aside from the potential panic they might feel from being approached by someone (threat!) which can result in violent outbursts, physical contact and hearing someone’s voice can lead to increased overload which can worsen and prolong the meltdown.

Trying to force the person to talk about what’s happening. Demanding that they explain what’s going on, asking lots of questions, wanting them to “talk it out”, or just rambling on about how they’re here to help and everything’s going to be okay, etc. Again, the noise can increase overload. Also, the person might be totally unable to process speech and be unable to understand what’s being said, in which case they just hear “I’m not leaving you alone! I demand that you accommodate my need to understand you!” and increase stress.

Yell at the person for “throwing a tantrum” or “being dramatic”. It is extremely common for meltdowns to be misunderstood and mistaken for a willful tantrum. Verbal attacks like this will increase the sense of being threatened, worsen and prolong the meltdown, and might provoke violent behavior which the autistic person feels is self-defense.

Block exits and prevent the person from running away. If allowed to leave the situation, a person experiencing a meltdown might be able to calm down fairly quickly, but when prevented, the threat level increases - instead of running, they are cornered, and have to resort to other methods to try to get the “threat” away.

Making them the center of attention. The person melting down generally needs to be left alone. When everyone is looking at them, trying to “help” them or calm them down, even if all the people around have good intentions, it can make the situation far worse.

The amount of time a meltdown takes to pass depends greatly on the individual and the situation. They can pass in a minute or two, or they can last for upwards of an hour, especially if the person is forced to remain in the situation which triggered it. On average, they tend to end within 15-20 minutes. If left alone under ideal circumstances, they can be shortened dramatically.

When the person feels that the threat has passed and the brain has calmed itself down sufficiently, the meltdown can end. The character can gradually calm down and regain control of themselves. Aside from potentially feeling embarrassed and ashamed, they are also likely to feel exhausted, as meltdowns expend a lot of energy. Some people will even curl up wherever they are (under a table, inside the sofa, wherever) and immediately take a nap. Their cognitive functions (ability to think clearly) might take some time to go back to normal.

That’s all for meltdown. A masterpost about shutdowns will follow shortly, as well as some posts describing the mods’ personal experience with both type of reactions so you can have a concrete example. Happy writing! (Here we are, giving you more options to make your characters suffer. Do you really need that.)

[victorianwallpapers]

Happy Endings For Everybody!

“Nothing But A Happy Ending” Endings

(Super Long Post)

Because apparently Moffat and Gatiss can't write their way to a decent finish with literally both hands and a map...

I tried to pick longer fics, and while there is drama and angst in many of them, I tried to keep the fics with at least hopeful endings and in this case, have tried to avoid total AU's. Small world changes I've included but completely different settings have been excluded. Also have avoided WIPs.

Gen-Fic/Non-Pairing

The Green Blade

verity burns

Rated T, 75 k

As a serial killer hits the headlines, the police are out of their depth and the next victim is out of time. With faith in Sherlock Holmes at all time low, this is a case which will push loyalties to the limit. 

Friendship only, lovely case fic for those of you who enjoy that.

Here Be Dragons

Winter_of_our_Discontent

Rated T, 16 k

Sherlock is Merlin, powerful, immortal, and bored out of his skull (both of them) waiting for King Arthur's return. John, on the other hand, is completely average. Sure, he's had odd dreams his whole life, and a bit of an obsession with Stonehenge, and now ravens are visiting him...but he's still a completely ordinary bloke. Really.

The King has returned, and London wakes.

Sort of Pre-Slash, I suppose, but a very enjoyable read if you like mythology.

Johnny Blue-Eyes

navigatio

Rated T, 87 k

A burglar with a conscience sends DI Lestrade something obtained in a break-in: a box of homemade videotapes recorded by a paedophile with his victims. Sgt Donovan, assigned to the case, thinks a child featured in one of the videos looks familiar... 

Lovely John and Sherlock friendship in a very intense case fic, with a very nice supportive Mary, and one of the best depictions of Sally Donovan that I've ever encountered. This was incredibly depressing to read, but very well written.

Sympathy for the Devil And Mycroft Holmes

scifigrl47

Rated G, 17 k

Mycroft has always protected his younger brother, but there are some things he just can't control. Sherlock's relationship with John Watson is one of them. That doesn't mean that he's not going to try, but in the end, sometimes Sherlock makes his own choices.

And John Watson might just be a match for Mycroft when it comes to protecting Sherlock.

Can be read as friendship or pre-slash, I think, and I love any good Mycroft-centric story :)

Johnlock (of various ratings)

The Adventure of the Consulting Woman

DancingGrimm

Rated E, 39 k

“So the plan is, you have until Saturday night to make that,” he pointed at Sherlock, “look and act convincingly like a woman, so she can go and be a damsel in distress and in doing so trap a serial murderer. Have I got that right?”

This is how you write a good OC. I wanted to be Kristen's friend and have coffee together. Features John and Sherlock pranking Anderson, John getting uncomfortably in-touch with his angry side, and a Sherlock in drag – for a case, of course. Believably written case included.

Against the Rest of the World

SilentAuror

Rated E, 151 k

Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns. Post-Reichenbach.

This is the fic you should be reading if you crave some action-adventure and suspense in your reading. The relationship is uncertain...until it isn't, if you know what I mean. Also: Mycroft is a very good big brother.

All the Rest (of What I Want)

philalethia

Rated E, 68 k

After being invalided home from Afghanistan, John takes his therapist's advice and tries to meet people online. Specifically, he joins a fetish site, where he ends up interacting with a man called SH who keeps paying him money to perform odd tasks and seems very keen to take care of him.

Basically: slow-build daddy kink.

Hoooo-boy. Let's see, how many of my favorite things are in this story? Daddy kink, an insecure and socially awkward Sherlock, John Watson's filthy fucking mouth, bossy bottom John, generous use of sex toys, begging. What more could you possibly ask for in your smut?

Anytime

SilentAuror

Rated E, 17 k

Sherlock blinks and attempts to focus. There is a little too much vodka in his veins at the moment and it's having an unfortunate effect on his brain and retinas both. There are two Johns sitting across from him, and both of them are frowning at him.

“You're drunk,” the Johns tell him.

Sherlock blinks some more. “Says the man with Mrs Hudson's doily on his head.”

Lots of drunk sex on various surfaces, and I'm-not-gay-John trying not to give himself away. P.S. John is not actually as dumb as he looks here.

As long as it takes

PlainJane

Rated E, 14 k

Anything Sherlock wants. All night. No strings attached.

Smut, smut, smut, smut. Tasty tasty smut.

At the Edge of Desire

philalethia

Rated E, 16 k

While helping John move back in to the flat, Sherlock discovers a strap-on among John's things. He finds the discovery considerably difficult to move past.

Sherlock is so awkward and insecure throughout this entire fic, I honestly...if you want smut that makes you laugh, this is it.

Between each beat are words unsaid

darcylindbergh / hudders-and-hiddles

Rated T, 107 k

On their wedding night, John and Sherlock gift each other with the things they each said when the other could not hear, the things they each put down where the other could not see: a collection of writings that illustrate the way their love for one another has grown over the years.

You can see through the back-and-forth letters how long and how tenderly John and Sherlock have loved each other in this fic. So much angst! But the ending is very satisfying.

Cicatrice, Or: The Ornaments of Forgetting

hitlikehammers

Rated E, 16 k

In order to survive, to protect, to save his mind from the distraction, to spare his heart the ache, Sherlock deletes John Watson.

Sherlock deletes John Watson.

And then he comes back home.

A beautifully painful exploration behind how Sherlock's mind palace works, and the pain of John missing him. Happy ending, I swear!

Command Structure

221b_hound

Rated E, 49 k

Sherlock Holmes returns from his hunt to destroy Moriarty's network. He comes home to John, and at long last they start this thing between them that couldn't begin while Moriarty threatened them.

But Sherlock has returned fractured and suffering anxiety attacks. He thinks he needs discipline – the whip – to help him focus and be strong. But his problems are deeper and run back to a childhood of neglect.

John Watson is prepared to be Sherlock's Captain, but he's a doctor, too. His command style isn't about pain and subjugation. It's about care and responsibility: and those concepts go in both directions in Captain Watson's command structure.

Flavors of D/s, but this fic details a lot of the service/care aspects and throws out the punishment – with good reason. Emotional and painful. Explores the neglect and coldness experienced by both Holmes brothers, and the ways in which their parents alienated them from each other.

Common Tongues: Unassuming Brilliance

jinglebell

John may be predictably average in most things, but there are a handful of areas in which he knows he is uncommonly skilled. He can make a great cup of tea, for one. He's also good at patching folks up, putting bullets precisely where he wants them, and listening.

The one skill that John is perhaps most exceptional in, though, is language. John is a polyglot. Umm...getting turned on by a partner with foreign language skills? Yes please!

Cooperative Principle

bendingsignpost

Rated E, 56 k

As the newest instructor at St Bart's, John has been explicitly warned to never do Sherlock Holmes any favors. Too bad the sex is so good.

This is admittedly just a giant work of angst and porn. Sherlock is so slyly seductive in John's eyes that you keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, not realizing what's actually going on until the moment comes. Stay all the way through the end because you get the feeling that they're both pretty okay in the last chapter.

A Cure For Boredom

emmagrant01

Rated E, 81 k

They'd never talked about sex in the year they'd known each other. Well, that wasn't quite correct: Sherlock had never said a word about sex; John had bemoaned his personal dearth of it on many occasions.

Do I need to tell people about this anymore? It's pretty famous by now. The fic when you want smut now, but also want slow burn at the same time (I have no idea how that works, it just does).

Dear John series

wendymarlowe

Rated E, 30 k

Podfic! By bagofthumbs

Also in Spanish

With Sherlock dead, John eventually (under duress) makes a profile on an online dating site. And falls into a long-distance relationship with an enigmatic partner who reminds him of Sherlock in all the right ways. (Hint it turns out to be Sherlock.)

A sexy fic that tries to explore Sherlock and John's relationship backgrounds – and will have you sweating with anxiety about John's reaction the whole time.

echoes through time

chellefic

Rated E, 21 k

Mummy sends a trunk from the Holmes cottage in Sussex to 221B. Its contents after the way John and Sherlock see themselves and one another. A brilliantly-written crossover with the ACD version of Sherlock, very sexy and sweet.

Electrical Pink Hand Grenade

BeautifulFiction

Rated E, 67 k

Podfic! By sevenpercent

Also in Russian and French

“If Sherlock's brain is a hard drive, then these attack are an electro-magnetic pulse.” Sherlock Holmes does not do anything by half, not even a migraine. It falls to John to witness one of the greatest minds he has ever known tear itself apart, and he must do his best to help Sherlock pick up the pieces.

Sick!fic done right! I especially love Sherlock's weird pain-induced descriptions of his surroundings.

Flash Bang

mydwynter

Rated E, 27 k

The fantasy is so affecting it pulls a whimper from John's throat.

From whimper to bang. Brighter than the sun.

An emotional exploration of John realizing what he wants from his flatmate.

Gifts from the Sea series

patternofdefiance

Rated E, 19 k

One of the few fics I've ever see that contains all of the following: consensual tentacle porn, interspecies sex, and mating pheromones.

Gold Rush

ShirleyCarlton

Rated E, 71 k

John has divorced Mary and pops round to 221B one evening to find Sherlock in the middle of a case. As Sherlock tries to find the identity of a young woman's stalker, John realizes he can no longer deny his feelings for Sherlock – which then, to their befuddlement, turn out to be mutual. Shy kisses and tentative embraces ensue. But will Sherlock be able to cast off a shadow from his past that he thinks might prevent John from wanting to stay?

Yay for cool, interesting cases! Good references to ACD, too! No Mary, no Moriarty, and John deals well with Sherlock's anxiety and jealous insecurity.

A good old-fashioned happy ending

darcylindbergh

Rated E, 32 k

Podfic! By Lockedinjohnlock

And Sherlock stands there, in the middle of a Christmas market as John hums along to Silent Night, John's hand warm in his with fingertips a little gritty from the cinnamon-sugar doused churros they'd shared, and thinks, oh, that's-that's an idea, isn't it?

For Christmas this year, Sherlock wants to get John something special: something every fairytale deserves.

The softest, fluffiest thing you could possibly imagine, including Sherlock proposing at Christmas.

The Ground Beneath Your Feet

Chryse

Rated E, 68 k

Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure.

This story is filled with bittersweet angst and ends in a hopeful, happy ending. I won't spoil the rest for you.

Hitting the Water at Sixty Miles an Hour

what_alchemy

Rated E, 30 k

“You love your mother, Sherlock?”

John watched the muscles in Sherlock's jaw jump. He nodded in one sharp jerk.

“Then we're going to her party and making her happy.” John let out a resigned sigh. “As a ruddy couple, you bastard.”

Fake relationship, Mummy Holmes, and the Holmes brothers being enormous insufferable gits.

HOT DOLPHIN SEX series

cwb

Rated E, 47 k

Far from being about dolphin sex or honestly...dolphins at all, this is what happens when a great author writes Evil!Mary, and an incredibly competent John who tries to take ownership of his life.

Hounds

quietasasleepingarmy

Rated E, 21 k

Sherlock enlists John's help with a case that falls far beyond his area of expertise.

Very creepy case-fic with John realizing that his jealous and protectiveness aren't entirely platonic. Also you gotta love John going badass on the villain.

How Long?

Camerasparring

Rated E, 23 k

Not long after meeting John, Sherlock receives an email from an old acquaintance. Unfortunately, Sherlock has neglected to tell anyone he was once married. Past Sherlock/Sebastian Wilkes, emotional abuse Internalized homophobia and terrible terrible sex (none of this involves John). Sebastian is a dick and no one is surprised.

If nobody speaks of remarkable things

darcylindbergh

Rated E, 34 k

Maybe that was why: you only get the one miracle.

This fic is basically agony, but only in the best of ways.

In A Changing Age

allonsys_girl

Rated E, 15 k

Sherlock wakes up in the 19th century, with no idea how he got there.

A beautiful and tender crossover with ACD/TAB Victorian Holmes. Very slow and lovely.

Just a Kiss

emmagrant01

Rated E, 19 k

Five times John and Sherlock kissed because of a case and one time they kissed for real.

A cute adventure featuring a very BAMF John and somewhat clueless Sherlock.

Kill a Mockingbird

GwendolynnFiction

Rated T, 134 k

John had found perhaps the only way to bring Sherlock home from his self-imposed exile after TRF. He is abducted and tortured at the hands of Moriarty's contingency plan. Sherlock hears that John has disappeared and must ally with Lestrade, Donovan, and Scotland Yard to get him home.

This story is the essential definition of BAMF!John, and also shows Sherlock dealing with the very real and terrible consequences of his decisions.

Lock & Key series – can be read individually or all together

221b_hound

Rated E, 58 k

Just love and kink, my friends.

The Military Kink series

Silent Auror

Rated E, 29 k

A sweet and sexy two-part series flavored with Sherlock of the every-body-loves-a-soldier variety and watching his Captain give orders.

The Moonlight and the Frost

CaitlinFairchild

Rated E, 77 k

Podfic! By Lockedinjohnlock

“And once again, you think you know what's best for me.”

John rises from the chair, the anger and frustration and hurt overwhelming him, bursting out of every pore, and he doesn't even know for sure if it's Sherlock he's angry at, really, but the only reason he tied himself to Mary in the first place is because the person he really loved left him behind, and the woman he married once sat in the shadows above a darkened swimming pool and aimed a sniper rifle at his heart and later shot his best friend in cold blood and cuckolded him and just gave birth to a child that wasn't his and right now he just can't do this, he just fucking can't do this anymore.

This is how you write John suffering. This story is painful to read, and not recommended if you like Mary, but the ending is hopeful and the two men seem much more healed by the story's finish.

My Phone's on Vibrate For You

misslucyjane

Sherlock texts all the time. Today's different.

Flirty and very sexy, but not too angsty. Just enough sexual tension.

The napoleon

darcylindbergh

Rated E, 24 k

Halloween, 1989: John and Sherlock both have big plans for the night, but some serial killers have the worst possible time.

Fun and sexy adventure set on Halloween. Mycroft is not impressed with your shit.

Nature and Nurture

earlgreytea68

Rated M, 203 k

Podfic! By AxeMeAboutAxinomancy

The British Government accidentally clones Sherlock Holmes. Which brings a baby to 221B Baker Street.

A slower burn fic where John and Sherlock do this whole relationship thing in reverse. Move in, have baby, fall in love, get married. (Also Oliver is god damn adorable).

Never Change a Running System

Lorelei_Lee

Rated E, 54 k

Sherlock discovers his sexuality – with far-reaching consequences for John.

“John I would be grateful if you would stop staring at my penis,” Sherlock remarked into the gaping silence, without removing his empty gaze from the window.

The doctor, caught out, couldn't do anything other than swallow, loudly and with difficulty. “Believe me...you couldn't be any more grateful than me.”

A fun romp of sexual tension, smut, and comedy of errors.

The One You Win

TheUniverseWillSing

Rated G, 17 k

In which a homeless child follows Sherlock home one day, and he isn't as heartless as one might think.

The FLUFFIEST, CUTEST FUCKING- okay, okay, I'm fine. Married Johnlock and a cute little girl who loves science that Sherlock becomes hopelessly attached to.

The Progress of Sherlock Holmes

ivyblossom

Rated E, 62 k

Podfic! By cellardoor

“I had,” he said “come to an entirely erroneous conclusion, my dear Watson, how dangerous it always is to reason from insufficient data.”

- Arthur Conan Doyle, The Adventure of the Speckled Band

Or: “Wow, Mycroft, You Are Such An Unrepentant Dick”. Mary is not a villain, but also just not terribly nice, either.

Read Our Futures in the Rising Steam

xzombiekittenx Rated E, 22 k

An unknown killer begins kidnapping and vivisecting men who bear a strong resemblance to one John Watson. Lestrade wants both John and a newly-resurrected Sherlock as far away from the case as possible – and not just because Sherlock is the Met's prime suspect. But this is a case that Sherlock, still feeling out the limits of John's grief and his own guilt, can't just ignore. Very possessive Sherlock, TW for references to sexual assault and torture. Points for a well-featured Donovan!

Scotland series

snorklepie

Rated E, 303 k

Podfic! By Lockedinjohnlock

The third part of this series is still incomplete, but read the first two if you haven't already! This series really does have everything I love about fiction in general, never mind in Sherlock. Lovingly written smut, suspense, a well-crafted and interesting mystery, murder, secrets, lies, interesting side characters, humor, and life-or-death situations. The podfic by Lockedinjohnlock is terrific and if you listen, please dear god give her and snorklepie some love. I have no idea how she managed to switch between so many accents and I covet her gift jealously.

Shadows on the Wall

AraSigyrn

Rated T, 18 k

Podfic! By Lunchee

Also in Spanish.

John came back from Afghanistan psychic.

One of the best magical realism stories out there, in my opinion.

Shallow Grave

SilentAuror

Rated E, 31 k

Starts as Sherlock's plane is taking off at the end of His Last Vow. When he finds out that Moriarty is alive and that he's being recalled from his mission, Sherlock decides that he should have told John how he felt before he left. So he walks off the plane and kisses him.

Wow. Possibly the only fic that has ever made me feel sorry for Moriarty. Mary is not a good girl here.

Small Screen Valentino

DancingGrimm

Rated E, 43 k

“Oh God,” John breathed, horrified.

It took a lot to horrify John H. Watson. Worried now, Sherlock got up and stepped around the table, only to be foiled when John quickly turned the laptop so he couldn't see the screen.

“John, what is it? What did she do?”

“She put a video online...oh God...”

“What? What sort of video?”

“Our video, Sherlock! One that she and I made!”

Poor John. It really is very uncomfortable seeing him so embarrassed and ashamed of this and the real reveal over it is very sweet. And Sherlock trying to help and battling his curiosity is quite sweet.

Sonatina in G Minor

SilentAuror

Rated E, 22 k

John has come back to Baker Street, but Sherlock doesn't understand the strange tension between them, even after he begins teaching John to play the violin at John's request...

A lovely slow build to the romance with music and a sort-of case melded in the middle.

Spoiled Kitty series

philalethia

Rated E, 20 k

Stories featuring pet play scenarios in which Sherlock is John's treasured pet.

Very hot if you like D/s and pet play, for the kinkier among you. Do read story tags, some feature different aspects of the dynamic. Both men are clearly more into the caretaking portions of power play and neither are too interested in the punishment portion.

State of Flux

Atiki

Rated E, 24 k

John's marriage is over and he is finally back home (i.e. at Baker Street, where he belongs). Sherlock is awfully insecure and John is awfully hesitant, and they're both awkward idiots, of course, but they figure it out. Many First Times happen.

Honestly who the hell doesn't know this fic at this point?

Stick to the Script

thisisforyou

Rated E, 43 k

Maybe Sherlock should have guessed that asking John to pretend to tie him to the bed and shag him through the headboard – for a case – wasn't such an intelligent idea. Or, the one in which a femme fatale murder causes Sherlock and John to role-play sex. Repeatedly.

Not only grade-A kink, but one of the more odd and interesting cases in this fic.

Stood in History

philalethia

Rated E, 18 k

He discovered the ring in John's sock drawer.

It all went a bit downhill from there.

Oh dear. Sherlock anticipates John's proposal and has increasingly large meltdowns thereafter.

Synapses

theshopislocal

Rated E, 52 k

“Thrice”

“Yes.”

John blinks. Shakes his head. Blinks again. “Thhhhrice.”

“Yes.”

Is my mouth moving right n- “Thrice in your entire life?”

“Yess, John,” Sherlock growls, hissing like a snake grabbed by the tail. “Thrice, three times, twice more than once and once more than twice, a veritable triptych of onanism. Thrice.”

John discovers that Sherlock has only had an orgasm three times in his life and he finds this very interesting for some reason. Sherlock struggles with the aftermath of his time away from London and his repressed sexual urges, aided (or not?) by John. ANGST

This Doesn't Feel Like Falling

Dark3Star

Rated E, 148 k

When he fell from St. Bart's Sherlock knew he loved John Watson. John couldn't love him back (or so he thinks). Now that he's back from the dead things are back to normal...sort of. When a serial killer targets increasing high profile gay couples Sherlock is on the case. With a, possibly ill-advised, plan Sherlock and John go undercover as a gay couple to uncover the truth. Fake relationship, slow burn-ish with a very nice attached case fic. Does feature homophobic themes and graphic depictions of violence, as well as a few smutty scenes.

Vena Cava

SilentAuror

Rated E, 27 k

Sherlock has been shot in the chest; John has been shot in the heart. Though everything is broken, they do their best to heal the wounds that Mary left on them both.

Mary-as-villian story that appropriately addresses the anguish John feels at his friend's near death.

Wars We Fought, Things We're Not

blueink3

Rated M, 55 k

“Oh come, John. Could be fun,” Mycroft taunts, accompanied by an eyebrow arch he's gotten far too good at. “Besides, it's not as if it's your first time pretending to be a couple.”

Five months after John's world has fallen apart, Mycroft sends the consulting detective and his doctor on a case that neither is prepared for.

I'm a huge sucker for well-nuanced side characters and good casefics, and this delivers on both. Bonus cute baby and gut-wrenching emotional turmoil, as well as all-encompassing sexual tension. Mm-mm.

A Waste of Breath

Chryse

Rated E, 95 k

Podfic! By Aranel_Parmadil and Consulting_Smartass

John had always assumed Sherlock was uninterested, untouchable, married to his work. He was wrong on all counts. But when Sherlock embarks on a relationship, John worries that he is in over his head...and this time he might be right.

Features Sherlock/Sebastian Moran. John grows slowly into his love for Sherlock but the affection is obvious even in the beginning. His patience and fondness shine through every chapter. This is one of my favorites, and John's steadily growing concern for Sherlock's safety kept me on the edge of my seat.

What Did You Think About series

Chryse

Rated E, 30 k

Podfic! By Aranel_Parmadil

A series of excellent smut with an ending twist I definitely would not have guessed was coming.

The White Lotuses

SilentAuror

Rated E, 20 k

Podfic by Lockedinjohnlock

One day John realizes that he just isn't where he belongs, which is back at Baker Street with Sherlock. So he goes back and Sherlock, in his own way, courts him. Romance. A nice romantic-tension filled slow-burn story with some beautiful Hindu imagery thrown in.

Your Perfect Offering

CaitlinFairchild

Rated E, 44 k

“Sherlock,” John continues, careful and quiet. “I've seen your back. I know you were hurt. I don't want to pry, I don't want to cause you discomfort but...I'm starting to think something else happened there. In Serbia.”

Sherlock rolls away and sits up on the edge of the bed, his back to John.

“A great many things happened in Serbia,” he says, flat and remote. “None of them were pleasant.”

This shows a very painful and realistic view of trying to help someone you care about past a traumatic experience, while dealing with the hard frustration of feeling them push you away. Happy ending, I swear.

Mystrade

The Least of All Possible Mistakes

rageprufrock

Rated M, 118 k

Podfic! By Lazulus

If ever a people deserved tasering it's Holmeses.

Featuring an excellent Fem!Lestrade, this may literally be my favorite story in the whole fandom. I come back to it again and again, because it’s beauty is profound, but simple and comforting. Hilariously funny, witty, charming, and frank, I highly recommend getting the podfic if you aren't trying to read this on mobile. Also has a very emotional and well-written female friendship between Fem!Lestrade and Anthea. If you don't love this, I honestly don't know what to do for you.

So Full of Light

mydwynter

Rated E, 20 k

It seemed that Lestrade's salt-and-pepper hair grew in the same on his face as it did on his head. His beard was bristly, patchy, viscerally appealing in a way that had little to do with aesthetics and more to do with masculine sensuality. Mycroft stood rapt, conjuring up the rough brush of the beard against his lips without having moved an inch. His apprehension dropped away, lost behind a painful stab of want.

Christmas, when he and Lestrade had both been strong-armed into growing beards for a cause, proved to be the turning point for the whole desperate, shattering, uncomfortable scenario.

Or “Mycroft has the same crush on Lestrade that we do”. Also, if picturing Rupert Graves and Mark Gatiss with beards doesn't do it for you, I seriously can't help you.

Unlikely Connections We Make

Linpatootie

Rated E, 31 k

Greg's life has gone to the dogs. In a spectacular show of really bad judgment he tries to improve things by hitting on Mycroft Holmes. 

This is just...really cute? And sweet? One of the best just plain old feel-good fics.

[jesseneufeld]

Dear Mark: CBD Edition

For today’s edition of Dear Mark, I’ll be answering your CBD questions from the past few weeks. CBD, or cannabidiol, is exploding in popularity, but there are many unknowns. People have a lot of questions and there aren’t many definitive or comprehensive guides, so today I’ll do my best to make sense of it. We’re all piecing things together based on limited data—which, I suppose, is the fundamental human experience.

Let’s go:

What’s the difference between hemp and CBD?

Hemp is a (recently legalized) industrial form of cannabis used in the production of paper, textiles, clothing, biodegradable plastics, and overpriced Bob Marley shirts sold along Venice Beach. Hemp seed can be eaten (and is a fantastic source of magnesium, one of the best). Hemp is the plant.

CBD is cannabidiol, a non-psychoactive cannabinoid found in both hemp and cannabis. Unlike THC, CBD won’t get you high.

Due to legal issues, most big name online retailers won’t allow sellers to list “CBD oil” or “CBD” products, let alone CBD content. Descriptions like “full spectrum hemp extract” often mean CBD is present in the hemp oil, but it’s tough to know exactly how much. I recommend investigating the product, searching for the company that makes it, and seeing if they give more explicit details on their website. Even then, make sure the company is the actual seller on Amazon or else you may end up with a counterfeit product sold by wholesalers.

The best bet is to buy directly from the product website.

Is there oil for diabetics??

Although there aren’t any human trials that give CBD to diabetics to see what happens, there are some reasons to think it could be helpful:

Lowering stress. As stated in previous posts, CBD is an effective anti-stress agent. Stress is awful for anyone with diabetes. It increases blood sugar levels. It induces insulin resistance. And if you’re a stress eater, it can increase cravings for high-carb junk food that you really shouldn’t be eating in the first place. In other words, stress exacerbates all the physiological conditions a diabetic is already experiencing.

Improving sleep. Perhaps the most popular use of CBD is to improve poor sleep. Just about the best way to induce some serious glucose intolerance is to get a bad night’s sleep. A diabetic already has poor glucose tolerance; it’s pretty much the defining characteristic of diabetes. What’s worse, a bad night’s sleep has been shown to make a person more susceptible to the allure of junk food.

Inadequate sleep is a strong and independent predictor of type 2 diabetes risk. The less sleep you get, the higher your chance of developing diabetes.

Anything that reduces stress and improves sleep will improve a diabetic’s health. If CBD does that for you, it’ll probably help someone with diabetes. So in a roundabout, not direct way, CBD oil has the potential to help reduce the risk of diabetes and improve the symptoms.

Good MDA folks … does anyone have any experience using CBD oil in lieu of an SSRI to help with anxiety and panic? I’m using CBT techniques to deal with anxiety and panic episodes, and cutting back on my dosage of my SSRI with the intent to eliminate over the next couple of months. I was considering giving CBT oil a try (organic, full spectrum), starting out with just a drop or two and building up to a therapeutic dosage. Also, does CBT oil cause fatigue for anyone? It’s the last thing I want to happen as it’s a big reason I want to eliminate taking the SSRI?

Give it a try, making sure you keep your doctor in the loop.

There are several parallels between anti-depressants and CBD. Both antidepressants and CBD interact with the endocannabinoid receptor systems in the brain. Both antidepressants and CBD can stimulate neurogenesis and counter the depression-related reduction in brain-derived neurotrophic factor.

Any compound that’s used for sleep has the potential to increase fatigue. Sleep is fatigue at the right time. Fatigue is sleep at the wrong time. In an Israeli study of 74 pediatric epilepsy patients using CBD to quell their seizures, 22% reported unwanted levels of fatigue, so it’s a common complaint. Just consider that these were kids taking fairly high dose CBD to quell seizure activity, and that you may not have the same issue taking lower doses at a higher body weight.

Does CBD oil break my fast?

The dosages involved in most CBD oils include at most 1/8 teaspoon of carrier oils, so that’s not enough calories to impact your fast in any meaningful sense.

I haven’t seen any evidence that CBD itself inhibits or impedes ketosis, autophagy, or fat-burning. So, no, there is no indication that CBD oil breaks your fast.

How do I figure out how much cbd is in hemp oil?

As I indicated earlier, it’s impossible to know unless you buy a hemp oil that explicitly states the CBD content.

CBD oil is so expensive. Are there any other options for getting CBD?

You could make your own. It’s actually legal to buy “CBD flower,” which basically looks exactly like the cannabis or weed you’d buy on the street or at a legal dispensary, only it contains little to no THC and tons of CBD. One recipe I saw involved slow-cooking an ounce of the CBD flower in a cup of coconut oil for 8 hours, then straining out the solids. Whatever method you use to cook it, it requires fat, as cannabinoids are fat-soluble.

Here’s a place you can buy CBD flower online. (Note: I don’t have any experience with that company or any other that markets CBD flower or CBD products, so buyer beware.) There are many such places. Just search for them.

CBD is everywhere these days. Should I definitely use it?

Not necessarily. Like anything, it has its uses, there’s great potential, and as new research comes out I foresee the discovery of new modes of action and new applications. However, in all fairness, it’s being overhyped when promoted as a cure-all or panacea.

For what it’s worth, I’m not using it myself. I don’t feel the need, haven’t felt a “CBD deficit.” Don’t assume it’s yet another essential supplement that you simply must have. The basics are the important things—sleep, food, exercise, community, love, micronutrients.

CBD is best used for people who have an established need for it. Chronic pain patient who wants to stop using so many opioids? Great candidate. Kid with epilepsy for whom keto and meds aren’t working? Give it a try. Anxiety and insomnia? Better than just going with narcotics right off the bat. (But as always, work with a physician for any medical issue.)

That’s it for today, folks. If you have any more CBD questions, write them down below and I’ll be sure to answer them!

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References:

Rudnicka AR, Nightingale CM, Donin AS, et al. Sleep Duration and Risk of Type 2 Diabetes. Pediatrics. 2017;140(3)

Mcneil J, Forest G, Hintze LJ, et al. The effects of partial sleep restriction and altered sleep timing on appetite and food reward. Appetite. 2017;109:48-56.

Fogaça MV, Galve-roperh I, Guimarães FS, Campos AC. Cannabinoids, Neurogenesis and Antidepressant Drugs: Is there a Link?. Curr Neuropharmacol. 2013;11(3):263-75.

Tzadok M, Uliel-siboni S, Linder I, et al. CBD-enriched medical cannabis for intractable pediatric epilepsy: The current Israeli experience. Seizure. 2016;35:41-4.

The post Dear Mark: CBD Edition appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

Dear Mark: CBD Edition published first on https://drugaddictionsrehab.tumblr.com/

[lauramalchowblog]

Dear Mark: CBD Edition

For today’s edition of Dear Mark, I’ll be answering your CBD questions from the past few weeks. CBD, or cannabidiol, is exploding in popularity, but there are many unknowns. People have a lot of questions and there aren’t many definitive or comprehensive guides, so today I’ll do my best to make sense of it. We’re all piecing things together based on limited data—which, I suppose, is the fundamental human experience.

Let’s go:

What’s the difference between hemp and CBD?

Hemp is a (recently legalized) industrial form of cannabis used in the production of paper, textiles, clothing, biodegradable plastics, and overpriced Bob Marley shirts sold along Venice Beach. Hemp seed can be eaten (and is a fantastic source of magnesium, one of the best). Hemp is the plant.

CBD is cannabidiol, a non-psychoactive cannabinoid found in both hemp and cannabis. Unlike THC, CBD won’t get you high.

Due to legal issues, most big name online retailers won’t allow sellers to list “CBD oil” or “CBD” products, let alone CBD content. Descriptions like “full spectrum hemp extract” often mean CBD is present in the hemp oil, but it’s tough to know exactly how much. I recommend investigating the product, searching for the company that makes it, and seeing if they give more explicit details on their website. Even then, make sure the company is the actual seller on Amazon or else you may end up with a counterfeit product sold by wholesalers.

The best bet is to buy directly from the product website.

Is there oil for diabetics??

Although there aren’t any human trials that give CBD to diabetics to see what happens, there are some reasons to think it could be helpful:

Lowering stress. As stated in previous posts, CBD is an effective anti-stress agent. Stress is awful for anyone with diabetes. It increases blood sugar levels. It induces insulin resistance. And if you’re a stress eater, it can increase cravings for high-carb junk food that you really shouldn’t be eating in the first place. In other words, stress exacerbates all the physiological conditions a diabetic is already experiencing.

Improving sleep. Perhaps the most popular use of CBD is to improve poor sleep. Just about the best way to induce some serious glucose intolerance is to get a bad night’s sleep. A diabetic already has poor glucose tolerance; it’s pretty much the defining characteristic of diabetes. What’s worse, a bad night’s sleep has been shown to make a person more susceptible to the allure of junk food.

Inadequate sleep is a strong and independent predictor of type 2 diabetes risk. The less sleep you get, the higher your chance of developing diabetes.

Anything that reduces stress and improves sleep will improve a diabetic’s health. If CBD does that for you, it’ll probably help someone with diabetes. So in a roundabout, not direct way, CBD oil has the potential to help reduce the risk of diabetes and improve the symptoms.

Good MDA folks … does anyone have any experience using CBD oil in lieu of an SSRI to help with anxiety and panic? I’m using CBT techniques to deal with anxiety and panic episodes, and cutting back on my dosage of my SSRI with the intent to eliminate over the next couple of months. I was considering giving CBT oil a try (organic, full spectrum), starting out with just a drop or two and building up to a therapeutic dosage. Also, does CBT oil cause fatigue for anyone? It’s the last thing I want to happen as it’s a big reason I want to eliminate taking the SSRI?

Give it a try, making sure you keep your doctor in the loop.

There are several parallels between anti-depressants and CBD. Both antidepressants and CBD interact with the endocannabinoid receptor systems in the brain. Both antidepressants and CBD can stimulate neurogenesis and counter the depression-related reduction in brain-derived neurotrophic factor.

Any compound that’s used for sleep has the potential to increase fatigue. Sleep is fatigue at the right time. Fatigue is sleep at the wrong time. In an Israeli study of 74 pediatric epilepsy patients using CBD to quell their seizures, 22% reported unwanted levels of fatigue, so it’s a common complaint. Just consider that these were kids taking fairly high dose CBD to quell seizure activity, and that you may not have the same issue taking lower doses at a higher body weight.

Does CBD oil break my fast?

The dosages involved in most CBD oils include at most 1/8 teaspoon of carrier oils, so that’s not enough calories to impact your fast in any meaningful sense.

I haven’t seen any evidence that CBD itself inhibits or impedes ketosis, autophagy, or fat-burning. So, no, there is no indication that CBD oil breaks your fast.

How do I figure out how much cbd is in hemp oil?

As I indicated earlier, it’s impossible to know unless you buy a hemp oil that explicitly states the CBD content.

CBD oil is so expensive. Are there any other options for getting CBD?

You could make your own. It’s actually legal to buy “CBD flower,” which basically looks exactly like the cannabis or weed you’d buy on the street or at a legal dispensary, only it contains little to no THC and tons of CBD. One recipe I saw involved slow-cooking an ounce of the CBD flower in a cup of coconut oil for 8 hours, then straining out the solids. Whatever method you use to cook it, it requires fat, as cannabinoids are fat-soluble.

Here’s a place you can buy CBD flower online. (Note: I don’t have any experience with that company or any other that markets CBD flower or CBD products, so buyer beware.) There are many such places. Just search for them.

CBD is everywhere these days. Should I definitely use it?

Not necessarily. Like anything, it has its uses, there’s great potential, and as new research comes out I foresee the discovery of new modes of action and new applications. However, in all fairness, it’s being overhyped when promoted as a cure-all or panacea.

For what it’s worth, I’m not using it myself. I don’t feel the need, haven’t felt a “CBD deficit.” Don’t assume it’s yet another essential supplement that you simply must have. The basics are the important things—sleep, food, exercise, community, love, micronutrients.

CBD is best used for people who have an established need for it. Chronic pain patient who wants to stop using so many opioids? Great candidate. Kid with epilepsy for whom keto and meds aren’t working? Give it a try. Anxiety and insomnia? Better than just going with narcotics right off the bat. (But as always, work with a physician for any medical issue.)

That’s it for today, folks. If you have any more CBD questions, write them down below and I’ll be sure to answer them!

  References:

Rudnicka AR, Nightingale CM, Donin AS, et al. Sleep Duration and Risk of Type 2 Diabetes. Pediatrics. 2017;140(3)

Mcneil J, Forest G, Hintze LJ, et al. The effects of partial sleep restriction and altered sleep timing on appetite and food reward. Appetite. 2017;109:48-56.

Fogaça MV, Galve-roperh I, Guimarães FS, Campos AC. Cannabinoids, Neurogenesis and Antidepressant Drugs: Is there a Link?. Curr Neuropharmacol. 2013;11(3):263-75.

Tzadok M, Uliel-siboni S, Linder I, et al. CBD-enriched medical cannabis for intractable pediatric epilepsy: The current Israeli experience. Seizure. 2016;35:41-4.

The post Dear Mark: CBD Edition appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

Dear Mark: CBD Edition published first on https://venabeahan.tumblr.com