#i think that's a big thing for Kousuke and Alyssa?

[oblako]

249 episodes and we still know barely anything about shinhye

[willyoubemypartner]

Alyssa Cho - An Essay

Preface - Why is Alyssa so unsympathetic?

One of the things that’s odd about Alyssa’s character is that readers have rarely been so divisive over a single character, particularly about whether or not a character is sympathetic. There’s generally a consensus about the complicated nature of characters like Kousuke or even Rand, but Alyssa discourse feels very different.

During the formal arc, Quim has mentioned a few times that many scenes had to be cut due to Webtoon’s concerns about mature/dark content conflicting with adsense policies. Quim has recently mentioned weaving these scenes back in wherever possible, meaning that things were still happening in universe, we just couldn't see them. But now when these themes come up later to be more explored, they have to be introduced in a roundabout way for it to make sense. Instead of us getting what was intended and being able to build off that foundation as we follow the story and naturally understanding the pacing as it goes.

Now how does this tie into Alyssa? Alyssa in particular had important scenes cut from the formal - parallels we lost with Alyssa and Shin-Ae, the understanding and characterization of the Kims and other elites, the reality of her life in the idol world. It turned the formal into more of a ? than it needed to or should have been, and pulled the foundation of understanding Alyssa’s character right out from under us. We went essentially 200 chapters without really getting a look at her. She was introduced (like many ILY characters) in a certain way, but it took so much longer for her to get to show her depth and development beyond that mold. And it makes it so much harder for readers to see her objectively. People don't want to have to flip their entire understanding of and feelings towards Alyssa at chapter 230.

The foundation for Alyssa being more than just the attention seeker has always been there, we just didn't get to see it.

I don't always love Alyssa. But I feel for her. She's a real person as much as every other character. She’s not just "a girl who makes the wrong choices" nor is she just “the bad friend” or just “the trapped victim” - she is all of them . Alyssa may be misguided, but that’s just it - she's misguided because she never learned how to conflict. She tries to make the right choices, and fails. She’s trying her best and it never works out for her. And so she makes mistakes and she hurts people - including herself. And a lot of them are big mistakes, with very real consequences. She can see what’s really happening around her, but thinks that maybe it can work. And so she keeps making those wrong choices, because the core that she needs to change isn't something she feels safe to rectify. She’s miserable, but she can’t get out. She draws herself to the only light she can see, like a moth to a flame.

She’s introduced as this foe, even the mini Yui. And we're supposed to originally see her that way and know that that's now Nol has come to see her. But we are simultaneously supposed to break that down and see that she is also trapped. She idolized Yui and fell so far into the deep end without realizing it and now has to be Yui's puppet. The puppetmaster imagery is both Alyssa taking after Yui and falling for it, AND Yui taking advantage of her and Alyssa having no choice anymore but to play along and be taken advantage of. There’s that inherent dichotomy to how Alyssa acts and who she is and why she is.

Something about Alyssa is that her motives and feelings are almost always far more complex than they appear. Alyssa is so plagued by those parts of herself that she’s afraid of. Alyssa gets so much criticism for making her choices because for us it's so easy to see where she's going wrong. But, if she could really see it, she wouldn't be here. We know how this really ends and what would actually help, but all Alyssa has seen is that the way she handles things is the viable option. The whole point with Alyssa is that nobody helped her navigate these things . She's as much a victim as everyone else, even though she's hurt arguably our two most sympathetic characters.

Everyone thinks that she is an attention seeker. That she's successful and aloof and just drops people. Nobody is taking a second to see her childhood trauma, understand her real motivations, look at how trapped she is, how miserable. Nobody is extending a hand to her because they don't understand. And with nobody understanding her, nobody can give her an actual way forward, because everyone's attempts will be for a problem that isn't the real issue. Like many, if not all, of our characters, in order to understand Alyssa we have to acknowledge that the reason this is happening is because of unmet and unaddressed needs, lack of personal insight, being in survival mode - the person feeling like they had no other choice.

The people Alyssa hurt are our two main characters, and we are supposed to feel a way about that. But so much of the point is about how our emotional reaction to Alyssa isn't all there is. That she’s not any more or less evil just because the people she hurt are the ones we’re emotionally connected to. That she is a person who has her own story, her own motivations, her own mistakes, her own needs, her own fears, her own traumas. Not that it negates all the harm, but just that there is more to it. That we have to be able to examine and sit with our complex feelings towards her.

Unconditional Love & Chasing The Light 

At the core of Alyssa’s character is the desire to be seen and accepted for herself, at odds with the belief that who she is can’t possibly be okay.

We get some important insight into this throughout the Shinlyssa arc, but especially at Alyssa’s house and with the bullies. In Alyssa’s bedroom we see portraits of Hedy Lamaar, Thomas Edison, Nikola Tesla, Albert Einstein, Melba Roy Mouton, Alan Turing, Vera Rubin, and Sally Ride. The portraits were identified and analyzed by Kimione back in 2022 (https://new.reddit.com/r/ILoveYoo/comments/ws18yg/alyssa_cho_symbolisms_notes_and_scribblings/) as well as this recent post (https://www.reddit.com/r/ILoveYoo/comments/15sh4k7/the_portraits_in_alyssas_room_in_episode_190/?sort=confidence).

Recurring themes in the portraits are all of them being involved in groundbreaking science, contributions to communication or space, being both scientific and artistic, experience of inequity and adversity, and nonnormative sexuality. For all of these people, resilience and passion in the face of a world which did not see them clearly, which did not initially support them, carried them through to their success. For many of them, a key figure (or several) in their lives provided that support that helped them reach the world. Hedy Lamarr said that her father “made me understand that I must make my own decisions, mold my own character, think my own thoughts.”

In Alyssa’s case, we can see based on her choice of portraits and conversation with Shin-Ae that she wants to be seen for who she is, leave her mark on the world through her passions, be genuine in an off-beat way. Like those on her wall, she has a natural skill for both arts and science, but intends to pursue her passion for science, perhaps using her skill in the arts to inform her manner of thinking. The difference, however, is that she does not appear to have that support network. She says that her parents follow her every whim and she’s never been able to develop a real sense of self. We see that her mother puts on a face, appears weak, passive, the trophy wife. When Alyssa was home sick from school, we see her struggle to cope with conflict and rejection, curling up in her room and refusing to talk to anyone but Shin-Ae - yet she “flips a switch” the second she hears her father walk through the door. Something that she does often, as her mother even expected it. Alyssa establishes in that moment that it is not her emotions flipping a switch, but rather the fear of what happens when her father comes home and she is not who he wants her to be. She likely fears her strict father, and resents her passive mother. Either way, Alyssa clearly doesn’t feel supported in herself - she must be the perfect poster daughter, has no role models to look up to, has no understanding of how to make her own decisions, mold her own character, think her own thoughts.

Alyssa frequently exhibits self-doubt and feelings that nobody is listening, that nobody cares. That she must mold herself to whatever others want. That she has to keep parts of herself hidden. That what she wants to be is not something that she can pull herself up in the world through. That she has to bide her time and assuage people to earn her freedom. That she is trapped and isolated.

Although not directly confirmed, we get many hints throughout the Shinlyssa arc that Alyssa is a lesbian, that she had feelings for Shin-Ae. Alyssa being gay in a homophobic world, desperately trying to fit the social mold and find unconditional love, creates such a tragic outcome. While there are obviously so many more types of love than romantic, to have something Alyssa feels such shame for, something that she can not escape or pretend away, something she did not choose, something so wrongly yet so often considered a disease, an abomination, wrong, unnatural, nonconformist tied so directly to the experience of love creates such an all-consuming conflict in Alyssa. Even if she were bisexual, she could suppress enough of herself to fit the mold and find that love (as much as it would still hurt). With her being a lesbian, it enters the fact that she will never be able to find that kind of love while she’s hiding herself. That in her quest to fit the social mold to find love and validation she’s completely closing off that gate. There is something so incredibly tragic about that self-fulfilling prophecy, and it fuels so much of Alyssa’s conflict.

Something important is how much the Shinlyssa event affects not only Shin-Ae, but Alyssa. And, when talking about the Shinlyssa event, something so important to keep in mind is how young they were. They were children, only 12 or 13 years old, in a new environment - especially for Alyssa, who had never been outside the social environment of her home.

Shin-Ae is a character whose light shines bright, which everyone is caught in. That same light that she’s sharing with Nol. A light that even Alyssa was in back in middle school, but that she couldn’t stand in, because Alyssa couldn't accept all of herself. If she stayed in Shin-Ae's light, it would have illuminated the truths she's afraid of. Alyssa is so afraid of the light shining on parts of herself she doesn't want seen that she lets the light go out all together.

It's better in the dark.

So she snuffed out her own light.

She just wants to be accepted and thinks that nobody will accept her because of those parts of herself that she can’t accept. That she’s been taught are wrong. So she can not find acceptance and belonging, she can not stand in the light. And she settles for the closest thing she can find, that artificial light that lets her keep those parts of herself hidden. But that light will never come close when she has to hide so much of herself.

There’s likely only one time in Alyssa’s life that she felt that sense of unconditional love - in her relationship with Shin-Ae. How Alyssa felt the emotional support she desperately needed, that love she craved, that acceptance for her authentic self. How she felt seen with Shin-Ae. How she pushed her away because those are feelings she's not allowed to have. Not for an outcast. Not for someone so brazen. Not for a girl. Not for someone who sees Alyssa as she genuinely is. And now that feeling of actual love and acceptance may be something she never finds again. Only conditional. Only for her image. Her persona. Only when she does what she's told. But none of it true.

Alyssa doesn’t chase fame or adoration, she’s chasing acceptance while being unable to look at herself. She is in this career, in Yui’s grasp, as a direct result of the Shinlyssa event.

Nobody ever showed her safe unconditional love. So naturally she thinks that the only way she can be loved is by chasing adoration. And, as she got older, nothing has proven that wrong for her. The Shinlyssa accident factors so strongly into why Alyssa doesn't see another way. She did have Shin-Ae, but things still went so wrong. It was ingrained into Alyssa that she can not rock the boat, can not be in conflict, has to play nice with those around her. Shin-Ae was unconventional, unpopular, and unafraid to stand up for herself. That created tension between them, and a lot of problems between them and the other kids. Alyssa, in her world, kept trying to keep Shin-Ae and not cause problems at school, but it kept blowing up in her face. And, in the end Shin-Ae falls out a window. This is a horrible way to experience your first taste of interpersonal conflict and likely just solidified for her that you absolutely can not rock the boat, you have to placate people and fit the social mold. It's also likely that her parents were involved in the aftermath of what happened in middle school, considering how much it all got swept under the rug. With her feared, strict father and her good family image mother, I can only imagine what sort of treatment she was welcomed to at home after the Shinlyssa incident. Personally, I also believe that her parents wouldn't have let her anywhere near Shin-Ae afterwards.

Hidden behind the large home and private lessons is how neglected Alyssa was. Treated as a trophy to compensate for the eldest daughter being a disappointment to their overbearing father. Living in a home as the trophy daughter with the trophy wife. Alyssa’s statements of wanting to be part of a power couple come from that resentment, the deep desire to not be that kind of submissive, docile woman.

And then in comes Yui - this godlike woman. Mother. Businesswoman. Charitable. Charismatic. Powerful. Married to an honorable man. Promising everything Alyssa needs - love, validation, adoration, success, belonging. Offering Alyssa a chance to shine, compliments, (fake) love, the potential to become powerful and adored like her. And she idolized Yui, so she took the chance.

It was everything Alyssa needed, on a silver platter … until it wasn’t.

Yui knew exactly how to play her. Manipulated a 14 year old girl just like she does everyone. And by the time Alyssa could see any which way, it's already too late. We can see that she's exhausted. Miserable. Isolated. Always 'on.' Always playing her role. Always on high alert, in survival mode. With Yui over her shoulder, groupmates that hate her, having to be dolled up for everyone she meets, no true allies anymore, being watched and exploited at home, at work, at practice, in the dorms, in public, at events - there is truly not a single place Alyssa feels safe, let alone accepted or loved. And yet she can not leave. She can't stop. They won't let her go now. If she were to stop, she'd have to fail . She has never been allowed to fail. Her life now is miserable, but she sees the price of failure as being even worse.

I think that we're going to see Alyssa continue down a dark path. She's never lived in a reality where it feels okay to be herself. She's pushing so much down and trying so hard to become what other people want her to be so that she may finally fit in. Be loved. Feel like she belongs.

Every one time someone says she's doing great it's like a hit for her, but it's so fleeting. So she has to keep chasing it, because she doesn't know where else to get it. But the more she chases it, the farther and farther down a dark path she goes, running after a torch instead of the sun. And the farther she gets, the harder it is to find an exit. So she has to keep chasing the only light she can see and just hope that it gets her somewhere.

Survival & Safety 

In the case of Alyssa, so many people underestimate the effect that an emotionally volatile upbringing can have on you and how you interact with the world. So many people are choosing to ignore that Alyssa is emotionally neglected and likely abused at home. Shin-Ae feels more like the victim to us because we're seeing the story through her eyes and we know that without money you can't physically live, but the thing Alyssa has lacked all her life, the thing that she needs is to feel like she's accepted and loved. That she, herself, is enough.

At the core of all of her actions, beliefs, choices, is one simple fact - Alyssa feels unsafe.

And even Alyssa’s song - she knows full well that she’s trapped now. The imagery points right to Yui. As Alyssa said, she’s not dumb. The entire time that we’ve known Alyssa, she’s known where she stands with Yui. When she talks about Yui at the formal her eyes are closed. The entire time she’s talking about Yui being charitable, nice for giving Shin-Ae a job, not being where she is today without Yui, wanting a mother like her, wanting to be like her. Her eyes only open again when she says she’d love to be part of a power couple. These are all things that Alyssa likely believed about Yui when she first met her, but has since seen the writing on the wall. The savior she ran to in order to escape her unsafe family life turned out to be even worse. And this is even what leads her to Gun Kim in the recent chapters - in the same way she desperately needed to escape her family, now she desperately needs to escape Yui. But since Alyssa doesn't believe in herself, can't let herself shine enough to brave the world and gain control on her own, she needs someone by her side. Needs to be part of a "power couple." This time it's Gun who comes in, the sparkling savior. Except Alyssa does know better this time, we can see that she's uncomfortable around him, that she knows the sparkles fade. But it’s too late now, and Alyssa just hopes to play the game long enough to gain some of her power back.

"Everything will go to waste I’m trying to find my way back But all these red hues keep me locked in place I can stay captive a bit longer So long as I end up on top"

Alyssa has been playing the game because it's the same game she had to play at home. Keep your head down. Do what they say. That way they won't hurt you as badly.

And when we remember that Alyssa's socioeconomic status is closer to Kousuke's than to Shinae's we can understand even more the implications, because it's not just about Alyssa’s weaknesses. It's about how it reflects on her family. Alyssa and Meg act as parallels to Kousuke and Nol, the golden child and the black sheep. Constantly told to not embarrass the family, don't make them look bad, live up to your potential. Nol and Meg are seen as wildcards, burdens, disappointments, people who do not fit the social mold and make everyone's lives more difficult. So Kousuke and Alyssa feel such intense pressure to fit the mold exactly. To never be out of line. To be someone that lives up to their family name. That brings respect. That doesn't cause trouble.

We see this same concept play out in the juxtaposition between the reaction to the girls’ catching Yui’s eye.

When we think about the parallels of Yui swooping in and "stealing away" both Shin-Ae and Alyssa the biggest difference is that Nol could see Shin-Ae, see how miserable she was even if she didn’t explain it to him. And, even then, the only reason even Shin-Ae ever opened up and leaned on people was because she had to. Because Nol had already seen it. He was able to nudge it out of her after seeing her eviction notice and pile of bills. After seeing her so blatantly miserable at the formal. And once someone had seen her weaknesses and supported her, she gradually was able to build back that trust that she spent so long unable to draw upon. But she didn’t start that by choice, she just chose to continue.

While for Alyssa he can’t see it - so much of her misery has been out of his view, she doesn’t open up and lean on people and is so good at putting on her brave face. The more people know your weaknesses, the more they have to use against you, and Alyssa sees so many weaknesses in herself that she can’t trust anyone. Alyssa has been trained all her life to hide anything negative. Never step out of line. Nol was able to see it in Shin-Ae because she’s easier to read, but nobody can see it in Alyssa because she’s been taught how to hide it. Shin-Ae’s biggest strategy for hiding her state was to avoid people - Alyssa is able to hide in plain sight.

Alyssa is always a strong contrast with Shin-Ae, and we can see it throughout the formal. Something so important to this parallel are cut scenes of Alyssa that foreshadow the recent developments we’ve seen of her with the Hiraharas and the Kims.

Such a theme of the night is how lucky Shin-Ae was that Kousuke and Nol didn't have ill intentions around her and were looking out for her. Everyone was looking out for Shin-Ae that night, but no one was looking out for Alyssa. Even her own parents, the people who above all else are supposed to keep you safe, sold her out to the entertainment industry and never looked back. And, to be fair, we come back to her self-fulfilling prophecy - Alyssa is afraid to be herself because she thinks her true self isn’t worthy of love, so she pushes people away, and then has no one. But, at the same time, Shin-Ae has also been pushing everyone away. Nol has to stalk her to gain her friendship, she coldly and pointedly rejects Dieter, she keeps Maya and Rika at arm’s length, she doesn’t tell anyone (even Min-Hyuk) about her problems with her home and her dad. But the difference between Alyssa and Shin-Ae is, in many ways, how well they hid it. With Shin-Ae it was obvious that she was keeping people at arm’s length because she had been hurt. With Alyssa, she’s keeping people away because she’s afraid, but she’s been taught very well how to keep up appearances, so it looks as though she just doesn’t care, that she’s more concerned with herself and her image and her career. So people leave her alone, while they chase after Shin-Ae. While everyone was off chasing Shin-Ae, Alyssa was alone with the elites - no one looking for her, no one caring where she was.

Alyssa is, at her core, so very alone.

Unreliable Narrators & Nolyssa 

One of the most pointed failings of Nolyssa, especially in comparison to Stalkyoo, is how much Nol and Alyssa really don’t know each other at all, despite being more privy to the details of each other’s lives than almost anyone else. Both of them are in survival mode, putting on masks day after day, not letting each other in, seeing each other as something they are so very not with goals and desires that only scratch the surface. On the one hand, neither of them have really put up a fight, but also the circumstances were against them. They weren't in a position to help each other. They were both kids with needs that weren't met trying their best to survive. Children forced into playing an adult’s game.

Nol and Shin-Ae are both unreliable narrators. Shin-Ae actually acknowledges this, specifically in relation to Alyssa, saying that she only ever has her side of the story. In Nol’s case, he sees Yui for what she is, and wants others to see it, too. But he also believes that everything is his fault, that it all stems from his existence, that Yui may be a villain but it’s because of him, not that Yui does what suits her best. And that makes it so hard for him to even begin to guess that Alyssa sees Yui for something else, that Alyssa fell for Yui’s manipulation for reasons that he couldn’t see and that she realized after what had really happened. That she could praise Yui, focus on her career, devote her time to this game, and be lying about it all. He sees that validation seeker and he didn't see beyond it because she didn't let him see anything more than that. He’s good at being able to tell when people are putting up a facade, but not so much why .

Alyssa is so much more complex than just someone seeking validation, and she is meant to make us sit with complex feelings. Meant to make us figure her out, to see beyond our unreliable narrators. To accept that she is more complex despite how negative her interactions with our two most overtly sympathetic characters are. We are supposed to be clued in to her more than they are, to see those things that none of our narrators can see.

Nol states that she knows how his family makes him feel, but does he know his family makes her feel? How this whole game makes her feel? That she wants off this ride but it's too late and she can't do anything?

Ironically, Nol is being used as Alyssa’s protector, but not in any intentional way. Nol said that he tried to steer Alyssa clear of Yui, but honestly it doesn't seem like he really tried. When Shin-Ae gets the invitation to Kousuke's apartment Nol just says that Yui is a nice lady. I think that Nol tries to save people from Yui by encouraging them to appease her and then wean away from her, thinking that as long as they do what she wants Yui won't hurt them. But obviously that's not how Yui works. And, Alyssa fell right into the trap, just like Shin-Ae.

But, where Nol is protecting her is by being the “boyfriend,” protecting her from the predators around her. Even if it's not much, having Nol as a boyfriend keeps those close to the Hiraharas who may try to take advantage of her just a bit more at bay. They can't step on the Hiraharas’ toes. I especially think that now that we've seen more of Alyssa's world, how she got where she is, and what likely lays ahead for her. And, it honestly works well for Alyssa - Nol is respectful, not interested in her, doesn’t push her, she doesn’t have to do anything to appease him, doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Doesn’t even have to pay attention to him (although she should, if even as just a friend). And I think that Alyssa does know this, and that’s part of why she fought so hard when he did for once express his own needs and desires and tried to break it off. I think that, once Nol is gone, it's basically open season on her, and it's going to be so incredibly hard to watch - that fake relationship is probably the final barrier keeping her in some semblance of safe.

But, the thing is, Alyssa's fate isn't Nol's responsibility. Alyssa does not deserve to be preyed upon, but Nol also doesn't deserve to be trapped and suffocated. We can see how much being in this relationship hurts Nol, suffocates him, how it's keeping him on a one-way path to misery. How, as much as she does not deserve what likely lays ahead for her without Nol, he does not deserve what lays ahead for him with Alyssa.

As much as I defend Alyssa, urging people to understand her complexities as a character, how her choices are born out of her own survival mode, how she is falling back on the methods that she learned from her home life were the only way to survive, how she has never felt safe and that leads directly to the choices she makes and how she feels that she does not have a choice at all - Nol is not the one responsible for her path, her choices. Some combination of Alyssa, the adults who failed her, and the adults who groomed her are responsible.

I mentioned earlier how Alyssa ended up here as a fallout of the Shinlyssa event, and that implicates Nol’s position too - both in relation to Alyssa and to Shin-Ae. If Shinlyssa had survived, Stalkyoo would never have been. All of this growth between Nol and Shin-Ae, chasing that future - it never would have happened. It’s even possible Nol wouldn’t be around anymore. Everything is a chain reaction. Sometimes there is no choice where everyone turns out okay. No matter which way it happened, one of them was going to be in a bad place. Which is the same way things are going with the potential ending of Nolyssa. Either Nol suffers or Alyssa is in danger - there's no scenario where they are both okay.

Shin-Ae is likely going to be a foil to Alyssa, and she may watch and have to understand. To see why Shin-Ae is so capable of being what she isn't. That at the end of the day Shin-Ae was always enough. That Alyssa was always enough. How different things would have been if she could’ve accepted herself and stood in that light. That if she could, people will come along who love her for who she is. That there was so much she couldn't see at that time and now it's too late.

Conclusion 

Despite how easy it is to dislike Alyssa, to to write her off as the validation seeker, the bad friend, the self-serving naïve idol - there is so much more to Alyssa to see. The girl seeking to fill that unmet essential need for unconditional love. The girl who has never felt safe. The girl who was never taught how to handle conflict. The girl who is so afraid of herself that she pushes everyone away. Who hides herself so much that no one knows who she really is. Who’s reputation for herself and her family rides on her back. Who is miserable but sees no way out. Who is trapped by choices she made as a child. Who still makes all the wrong choices because she doesn’t see any other way. Who is just as much a victim, desperately trying to survive, as everyone else.

Now she is trapped in this prison, abused and trafficked No way out in sight No one on her side Only empty love and adoration Chasing artificial light, snuffing her own out from fear of those inner truths, never feeling safe, having to keep going to have any hope of getting out but keeping going being so so bad and likely never going to get her there

Above all else I hope that Alyssa can learn to accept herself. That, even if she realizes it far too late, she can see that was all she ever really needed. Because she can’t have that love that she wants while she’s so afraid, so much in hiding, so fearful of the truths within herself that could be revealed if she stands in the light. The thing about Alyssa is that she pushes genuine people away because of this fear. And therein is her self-fulfilling prophecy, but she makes these choices because she doesn’t know what else to do and ends up further and further trapped. I feel an intense sadness for Alyssa as she, like all of our characters, is in survival mode herself and just trying desperately to fill an unmet need.

And, again, it's not about liking or disliking Alyssa. Absolving or convicting her. It's not that simple. As complex as she is as a person, so is her role in the story, her perception within us. But it's about understanding her - who she is, why she makes her choices, how she got here.

I will reiterate again a point from earlier - the people Alyssa hurt are our two main characters. We are supposed to feel a way about that. But so much of the point is about how our emotional reaction to Alyssa isn't all there is. That she’s not any more or less evil just because the people she hurt are the ones we’re emotionally connected to. That she is a person who has her own story, her own motivations, her own mistakes, her own needs, her own fears, her own traumas. Not that it negates the harm, the wrong choices, but just that there is more to it. That we have to be able to examine and sit with our complex feelings towards her.

In the words of Hedy - “I’m a very simple, complicated person.”

And that concludes my full length essay about Alyssa and why I have feelings

[trashlie]

it's good to see you around again, I missed reading your long ILY posts, hope you're doing better too :) if you ever share your thoughts on the latest couple of episodes (including fp) here, I'd be super excited to read them! I'm really curious how you think the timeline is gonna go from here - especially relating to Shin-Ae and Nolan since it feels like they are the last pieces that need to fall into place so everything is ready for the post-timeskip story to go down. like you, I was so sure Nol and Shin-Ae were going to have some kind of reconciliation before he goes to jail but WELP rip 3 day extension. Poor guy though, Yui showing up in his hospital room must have been extremely triggering, it made sense that he did everything to get outta there ASAP. It's worrying me that this series of negative interactions (Kousuke, Alyssa, Yui) could've undone everything positive Shin-Ae Dieter Soushi Nana did, and now therapy during jail time could either have a positive or negative effect, so Nol is a Schroedinger's cat for now.... At least some things got cleared up and Shin-Ae is now starting to understand the root of the problem (= Yui) (and it actually really makes sense that she had to figure it out herself instead of Nol telling her - the boy obviously isn't ready to talk) so we made some progress.... But istg with this upcoming separation arc 2.0 it feels so much like we're gonna be back at ground zero after the first time skip. Fingers crossed they reconcile in whatever way before the big time skip though. we need a somewhat positive conclusion to this arc before season 1 ends, because if not then what was all this build up for, and why now? What about the realizations? the "convince me"? What about "if you won't let me have you"? If their reconciliation is only going to happen after multiple years of "conflict" between them that would be so cruel....

AND SHIN-AE STILL HASN'T GOTTEN HER BANDANA BACK and now he's stealing her lines too SDGDADSF;SDF

Waaaahhhhh thank you, friend!!! As you can probably tell, I'm still trying to get myself back here fully and figure out how to balance everything, which has always been a struggle ;~; I really may resort to telling my friends to ignore me and yell at me until I get certain posts written up so I'll stop procrastinating because there are SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT EPISODES I WANT TO RECAP AND TALK ABOUT!!!! BUT THE ORGANIZING MYSELF!!!! IS THE PART THAT'S SO DIFFICULT!!!!!!!!

One of the great things about the ILY discord server is that we have this very constant, active conversation going on at all times so it's SO easy to be very present and active, but I also find that it means it's more difficult for me to regulate myself, or I'll have that feeling that I JUST talked about something and so when I try to write about it over here, it feels like a hollow echo and I know that's just because I was just having the conversation so that's just something I need to work on dealing with lol

But I want to answer this before we move so far away from when you asked this!!!!! As expected, there are FP spoilers ahead for eps 246 through 249!!!!!

I!!!! DO NOT KNOW!!!!!!! LMAO Like. GOD. I feel like quimchee has thrown us curveball after curveball and when we sit down and think about how long this period of December 21 and the post December 21 arc has been, how much the story has weaved around?! There are so many things that have occurred that I NEVER expected and, like you, it's just everything I thought has clearly gone out the window. Part of it, I think, is the result of quimchee having to change the arrangement of her story, and god I would love to pick her brain about the things that changed, since Nol's injury was supposed to happen at the formal itself, we never would have had this extended period of hospital time, and it seems like everything about Nol and Shinae coming to realization with their feelings would have played out in a wholly different way than what we ended up getting, so on some level I think this is partly that quimchee, too, is sort of throwing herself cureveballs in that there are things she knows needs to happen and she isn't sure where or how to fit the other elements in? But that's just my guess.

On the one hand, I do feel very "WHAT WAS THE EXTENSION FOR IF NOT FOR RECONCILIATION?!" but beyond Stalkyoo, we have gotten a LOT of good stuff out of this period of time. We see Kousuke facing his cognitive dissonance for, perhaps, the first time, and the revelation that Yui has been drugging him (and likely for a long time, given the way Hansuke describe the dosage Kousuke had and that it merely knocked him out), and more than that, making those connections between Nol and Yui and tea, and wanting to face him. I'm STILL proud of him for wanting to go back and see Nol again, even after he couldn't face him, even after Hansuke found him on the floor of a public bathroom hugging a toilet from the remorse and guilt and perhaps shame of the realization of the ways he has hurt people - has hurt Nol! - who didn't deserve it. We have seen that Rand and Yujing are, in fact, working on something behind the scenes, that Rand is facing Yui as a real adversary now, not just someone who has been resigned to endure her for so many years now, but to actually fight against her. The entirety of Nol's birthday celebration could not have happened the way it did had he not been in the hospital, since he would have had to turn himself in, and while maybe the original plan was that they celebrated his birthday with Minhyuk's coming home party, I'm.... not sure if that would have been the case?

But at at any rate, I do acknowledge that despite the fact that it feels like Nol might be back at square one, that he and Shinae are back where they started in 151, such significant events HAVE taken place that I think will still affect the narrative future of ILY. I still feel strongly that part of Nol's trajectory is coming to terms with the fact that he does, indeed, belong here. That he isn't someone who wasn't meant to be, that he doesn't belong here. He belongs, and he deserves love. He is someone, not nothing. I still think one of his greater arcs will involve coming to embrace this, and while the negative events - Kousuke, Alyssa, Yui - feel like they could be setting him back, he is now equipped with knowledge and feelings he wasn't before. It can't hurt him the same. In fact, I think part of why his confrontation with Alyssa went the way it did was because he had had this experience with Shinae, Dieter, and Soushi, it illuminated everything that was so wrong with his relationship with Alyssa, how neither of them really know each other. It's that sense of foiling that allows him to put his foot down and say enough is enough. Even before it was revealed that Alyssa had come with Yui, it was clear that Nol was over the visit. Don't get me wrong - I understand why he couldn't see that Alyssa clearly was not well, that she was uncomfortable, that she had come to him with no one else to go to, much as he'd gone to Kousuke in the past when he lost his mom, and I also understand why he did the same thing Kousuke did and turned her away. But the point I'm getting at is, it feels like there was a shift. That birthday celebration illuminated something for Nol.

So it's kind of like, while it feels like this might have undone the progress Nol made, it can't undone the revelations he's had, and in that same way, it cannot cast shadow on his enlightenment. He is not the same Nol he was a week ago. Too much has changed, he's become aware of too much, and as such, he is going to respond differently to what comes his way, and while he may continue to try what he had originally intended, I think the difference is that he's now been made aware of things that impact the choices he makes.

But largely I don't really know what I expect just yet. I think it's very pointed that the lawyer reminded Shinae that she has his phone number; I don't think that would be called out if it wasn't going to be important in some way, but in terms of how are we going from here to there? Unsure lol. I think there HAS to be a resolution of some kind, whether it's a reconciliation or not, because Shinae is on this momentum swing that isn't going to stop until she crashes into something or she comes into a force of nature that stops her. Nothing, no one, has been able to reach her or get through to her, and I know it's just because of how much she's hurting, but she's lashing out at people and hurting THEM like a street cat swiping at people trying to help her. She's so terrified of losing Nol, especially now that he came back, especially now that she gave him the option to leave and he didn't and it rekindled that hope she gave him an opening to leave when it would have been easier and he didn't which just made it worse, because so much more was at stake. She can't stop fighting she can't stop trying because she cannot bear what it means to lose him for real this time, not when she finally had him back, not when that realization has come to her even if she won't admit it. She needs him, so what's going to make her give up?

Something has to transpire, whether it's a reconciliation or Nol pushing her away and really shattering her heart or something awful like that, to bring her to a halt, because I can't imagine how we would move into our mini time skip to spring/graduation with Shinae like this, right? So I think there must be some kind of resolution. My foolish, hopeless self wants so badly to hope for reconciliation but esp after 249 I am SO torn. I have two thoughts.

a. they reconcile. She can reach him, and convince him, and even though he is so afraid, he is also someone who folds in front of her, he struggles to resist her. He told her to convince him and boy she can convince him and even though he tells himself he isn't sure if these feelings are real because what if it's just because she's NICE to him I think hearing her confess her feelings would tell him how he feels and give him the answer.

b. But the alternative feels like a parallel to Nessa and Rand, because Nessa, too, was hurt over and over by someone who kept getting her hopes up and getting hurt by him. Shinae gave Nol the opportunity to leave and he didn't, he stayed and doing so sparked her hope, made her feel things, they shared these tender, intimate moments together and forced that realization to come to mind, but for him to push her away again, for her safety, to make choices on her behalf even though she's told him she hates that and she doesn't want him to. Imagine her pulling a Nessa and calling him scum lfkjajkfkjfjkfaj ;A;!!!!! Imagine her so angry and hurt and resentful and saying awful things she doesn't mean and GOD I feel like it can go only one of these ways because what ELSE is going to stop her in her tracks?!

And I really want a reconciliation because parting like this sets them up for SO. MUCH. STRIFE. Because we know one way or another Shinae is going to end up taking Yui's offer and if Nol leaves on these terms, he would end up thinking she's following in Alyssa's footsteps doing so, not understanding WHY she's doing, not understanding that this is Shinae's only way of protecting herself, learning to speak Yui's language and play her game.

and idk I know I'm a hopeful optimist reading a webtoon that proves to me over and over that I cannot be a hopeful optimist but LMAO GOD I WANT SHINAE TO CONVINCE THAT DUMBO

I've said it before that convincing him doesn't mean they have to get into a relationship. Just. Reconcile. She's so afraid of LOSING HIM, thinking that once he slips away he's out of her grasp, her sight, for good, that she will lose the best thing that happened to her and I WANT THAT RECONCILATION. I want her to convince him, for both their sakes. So that he knows he has someone he can go back to. So that she knows he's not just throwing her away. So that she doesn't have to fear losing something so precious and important.

Am I foolish and hopeful for hoping for that outcome? Maybe, but it won't stop me LMAO because as delicious and angsty as Shinae and Nol following in Ressa's footsteps with Nol hurting her again and leaving her so hurt and angry is, I want to see them on that same page. I want to see Shinae convince him - convince him why he is so important to her, and that his feelings are real. That's the thing, right, like.... you can tell yourself that your feelings aren't real, but if the person you like confesses to you, your heart will inevitably betray you and respond to the confession. Nol fears for Shinae's safety but important puzzle pieces are falling into place. She has figured what he fears the most - and if she thinks hard enough she'll realize how she can use that to her "advantage", in that Rand has told her Yui will never let her go, that it doesn't matter if Nol leaves or not. It goes back to my oft repeated sentiment of them needing to be on the same page, to be a team, because his absence will not protect her. And between what Rand told her, plus her anecdotes about Kousuke's birthday and how Yui treated her even before the formal, and what Yujing told Nol about Kousuke being drugged by Yui, maybe, just MAYBE that conclusion that wasn't only him all along will finally hit him. I know he can't change over night, that he has so many deeply ingrained fears that won't be easily assuaged, but I have to hope that a confession from Shinae can convince him that the alternative is worse. Convince him to fight along side her ;A;

I go back and forth on this thought but I think this is strongly what I feel right now. That reconciliation could still be around the corner, even if it's just an admission and a promise to not push her away. Shinae is tired of people acting on her behalf, tired of not getting a say, and especially in something that involves her heart, her feelings?

Go fight girl and maybe bite him if that's what it takes ;A;

STEALING HER BANDANA. HER LINES. HERT HEART. THIS MAN DESERVES TO BE LOCKED AWAY

ALFJLFJLFKJLAFKJLKFJALKFJ

[somebody-909]

djdjdhd you don’t have to answer this ask this is me just gushing about yeonggi and shinae :((( i love your analysis sooo much omg. i’m just starting to read them but if you haven’t yet noticed!! (you probably have already but maybe i can point out smt new?) someone mentioned shinae liked big dangerous(? something like that. things. like bears for example. and in the chapter where her and yeonggi are having lunch and get interrupted by the creepy dude, and he begins backing away he turns and sees a bear momentarily instead of yeonggi? oh and also it was pointed out that this is the first time we see someone stand up for yeonggi and that’s why he looks so surprised? like girlie straight up threatens to beat blond guy up if he keeps messing with yeonggi. i think we’ve seen her stand up to him more though. she was going to give the nurses at the hospital a piece of her mind, and then she actually does and to his father no less. he doesn’t see it though. she’s observant, if anyone else hadn’t noticed, that his smile is faked. also other people who are way smarter than me say that yeonggi smiles differently at shinae? since the party. i think they theorized that it was because he was worried? i think that’s what i read, but i see he’s uncomfortable because he’s beginning to realize his own feelings. he even blushed after she got close? he quickly turned his head because he’s at least subconsciously trying to avoid her. same with the hand holding, she touched his hands to comfort him and he said he had a girlfriend, then she became embarrassed and i’m pretty sure he’s the one that moved his hands? very quickly i mean. also about the facade he keeps, ppl say his facade for her is different, like. for most others it’s a defense mechanism, but for her it is more of a way of hiding and appear strong(? that’s sort of my own interpretation. i also remember during that date thing maya set up, that kousuke said yeonggi should go because he seemed interested in her. but chapters later, he probably noticed that yeonggis feelings were far more complex? or something so he tells him to not get so close to shinae. in these last chapters i see kousuke projecting more onto shinae? in his eyes she reminds him of yeonggi so it doesn’t look so much as romantic attraction to me. but don’t tell anyone i said that! also i really like the contrast between what shinae thinks while doing stuff with kousuke vs yeonggi, sorry that i don’t have examples right now, i’m doing this in my head. i like the contrast of how she feels like she can’t say no and feels uncomfortable with kousuke versus her thoughts when yeonggi is goofing, or when she is making an effort to be a good friend??? so sweet! and i think yeonggi notices that she’s uncomfortable a lot, but he’s one of the few that i’ve seen step up for her, and on his part tries his best to keep some distance so she doesn’t feel like that with him. and of course the earbud scene :((( when she is going to work and she needs to leave him his little “oh…” he sounds so disappointed,,, i also want to know what is gonna happen when alyssa comes clean about whatever happened with shinae, i’m pretty sure she somehow has to do with shinaes scars on her head, and if after that they will break up or something.

I actually have an analysis covering so much of what you mentioned that has been in my drafts for WEEKS! (But I've been busy so I've been struggling to finally finish it up). I talk about The Look™ that Yeong-gi gives her, why he puts a façade around her — as well as how Shin-ae begins to notice it and fights against it (and the infamous WcDonald's scene). [spoiler: I agree with a lot of what you said.]

Your ask has encouraged me to finally get it out soon so I hope you read it when it comes out later this week. Some of the stuff you pointed out (about Shin-Ae standing up for Yeong-gi in Ep. 133) actually helps me complete that last part, so thanks!

As for Kousuke... yeah, I don't quite interpret his feelings for her as quite romantic either. Rather, I thought that as a character who was forced to grow up so quick, he was drawn to her and her sincerity. Now, we've been shown that there's an interesting link between her and Yeong-gi for him. I was thinking of writing a character analysis/interpretation for him, but I chose not to.

Also, I am certain that Alyssa did push Shin-Ae off the building, (the blurry bubbles has others saying stuff like, "OMG Alyssa!", and Alyssa responding, "I didn't mean to" or something of that sort.) She was avoiding Shin-Ae and being mean for social acceptance from others, and pushed her to keep her away, accidentally pushing her off the building/stairs (I don't remember which), and gravely injuring Shin-Ae.

[trashlie]

[‼️FP 237 spoilers] with nol's walls all the way up shin's "if you won't let me have you" is our only hope now <///3 tbh i had a strong feeling that nol would be extremely stubborn (after all, it's not just dieter and alyssa/"being like his father" that are preventing him from letting her in; the biggest reason remains yui) so i was actually hoping that shinae would be the initiator, that she'd back him into a corner and really push for it. but i swear to GOD if she shows up with a confession and he hits her with the "your feelings are your responsibility not mine" I WILL FIND A WAY TO TELEPORT INTO THE COMIC AND KILL HIM. LIL BUDDY JOIN ME. NOLAN PREPARE FOR DEATH 😾💥😾💥😾💥 i'm just HOPING that he's all talk and once shin shows up all his resolve crumbles ;; but it's starting to look like he's gonna need the time in jail to clear his head, sit with his feelings, read nessa's letters, and then yujing's article will probably make him see that there is hope, that things can be turned around, and maybe then he'll be willing to make alliances. but god i would HATE for them to part on bad terms i would HATE to see shin getting hurt again <///3 this girl has put up with SO MUCH she has given SO MUCH of herself to him and nothing is coming back she has been going through all stages of heartbreak how much more is she gonna have to endure i just UARGGHHHGHHHH.

-frustrated lil anon 😾

the thing is there is a big flaw in nol's thinking that someone needs to point out to him please. it's understandable that the stronger his feelings are, the closer they get, the more scared he is of what could happen - what yui could do -, and that he wants to prevent a tragedy at all cost. but boyo. guess what. YUI HAS ALREADY TAKEN INTEREST IN SHINAE REGARDLESS SO IT'S TOO LATE. whether you cut shin off or not, she is still in yui's trap!! she's actually *worse* off without you, so might as well join forces!!! GRRRRRR i'm seriously so frustrated. -lil anon 😾

GOD!!!!!!! /GOD/ Listen Lil Anon I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. All the way with the frustration, too, and it's so difficult because YES. I get him. I UNDERSTAND!!!! But HE DOESN'T HAVE THE WHOLE STORY.

I firmly feel like, yes, it is up to Shinae and her pure determination to tackle this, and I'm hoping he is all talk, or rather, I'm banking on the way he crumbles in her presence and how he can't stick to his guns because of her. I need them to sit and have a GOOD, HONEST conversation and I'm really afraid of how possible that is with the pace we're going at ;A; Like afkjalfkjaklfjkaf lemme lmao try to organize my thoughts.

Basically Nol lives with this fear that HE is a terrible mistake, a terrible monster, that he caused his mom's death and is responsible for all the bad things that exist as a result of his existence and caring for anything. Like, I am 300% sure that this mindset was drilled into him when he was institutionalized, that they basically took this child and brainwashed him into believing that his entire existence is a mistake because things would be so much better if he didn't exist.

He lost his mom. His father doesn't seem to love him. He's all alone. He probably said some awful things to his mom, before losing her, so it was easy to convince him that she died because of him, that he's like this poisonous gas that destroys everything it touches. But here's the thing. This is all he knows! He knows Yui is terrible - to him! He knows Rand is cruel - to him! He feels like he's a burden, a mistake. When Nana tells him how worried Rand was, Nol can't believe it, figures it must be because it's yet another mess for him to clean up, or because of his precious heir.

Nol may know that Yui played Alyssa like a puppet, but he very much thinks Alyssa's current situation is the course of her own choices, that she must've wanted to be famous, to impress Yui so much. He doesn't realize that she very much is trapped in this career.

He doesn't know that Yui has manipulated Kousuke for the entirety of his life, that she's drugged even her own son! He thinks everything she does is for his benefit, because she loves him, because she hates Nol the terrible bastard child born to her husband's mistress.

When he sees Shinae at the formal, clearly against her will, Nol believes it's because of him. I think that was the moment he remembered what happens when he cares about people, why his relationships were supposed to be fake, why it was supposed to be about him helping others and not himself. The moment he started to care about people and seek relationships for himself, he put them in danger.

Compare this to how he talks about Alyssa, how he never mentions her as one of the people he cares about, how he even brushes off the idea of her visiting him in prison. He doesn't feel responsible for her in the same way he does for Shinae being there.

It's not even that it's about Yui, exactly, but that it's about HIM, and that he cared about her, that because that friendship meant something, because she means something, he put her in danger.

Except, we know better. We've seen this story from an objective standpoint that Nol doesn't possess. Consider this: Nol only knows that Shinae was at the formal against her will, that Yui gave her a job at the company behind Kousuke's back. He doesn't know about Kousuke's birthday.

I need Shinae and Nol to talk because Nol's fears are VALID and I think we can see that Dieter can tell Nol's fears are not unfounded, even though he doesn't know what it is he fears. He just knows that he must, that bad things happen. But, right! Bad things have already happened! And they're going to keep happening! Nol is terrified because he only knows this small part of everything, and that this small point indicates it's because of him. But what happened at Kousuke's apartment wasn't about Nol. Even if Nol feigned losing interest in Shinae it wouldn't matter, because Yui is already invested. At this point it is no longer about Kousuke OR Nol. It's her OWN interest.

Shinae needs to be up front with him - tell him that first off, it's her decision to make, not his, he can't keep choosing to push people away without including them. But more importantly, she needs to tell him about the birthday incident. Tell him what Rand told her, that she'll never be able to escape from Yui's clutches, that she's already invested. Tell him about the offer, that Rand is urging her take it and use it for her benefit.

Nol cannot see beyond his fear because it's all he knows, he has nothing to contradict it or prove otherwise. But I need him to listen to Shinae, because while she probably can't fully change his mind - it's so deeply ingrained in him at this point - I think she can at least show him that her danger doesn't change regardless of whether she's near him or not. That even if he left her now and never looked back, it wouldn't change the hold Yui has on her. The problem is, can logic even combat his inherent believe, this psychologically deep fear he has?

But still, I want her to. I want him to read those letters in the Bible before he goes to jail because frankly I CANNOT TAKE the idea of them parting without resolution, parting with her still feeling like she's being thrown away, him needing to sit in prison pathetically yearning for her to realize how badly he cannot fight this. I need him to crumble in front of her, to realize that he cannot actually deny himself, that he cannot turn away from her ;A; I need him to be HONEST with her! She's already heard him in the alley talking to Lil Buddy, she knows why he pulls away. I want him to straight up tell her how scared he his, so that she can counter him.

Wouldn't it be worse, to leave her in the dark? To leave her behind and pretend that everything will be okay? AUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH

IT'S JUST SO FRUSTRATING BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HIM BUT HE'S WRONG AND I DON'T KNOW HOW WILLING HE WILL BE TO LISTEN! I DON'T KNOW HOW WILLING HE'LL BE TO ACCEPT THAT SHE'S BETTER OFF WITH HIM THAN WITHOUT.

Like.... at this point I'm really banking on Shinae's pure determination and maybe like... having to actually convince him because I know if she so much as initiates a kiss, he is going to CRUMBLE his brain is going to shut off he is SO touch starved and full of want and SO in love with her that the moment she initiates anything his resolve will melt away and it's OVER IT'S OVER.

But also I need him to read the letters from Nessa and see how badly Nessa wanted to protect Rand, and how he didn't let her. And how it ended up. Because Rand did what Nol is trying to do and it still didn't protect Nessa. Shinae doesn't deserve any of it - not what Yui would put her through but also not what Nol is putting her through. The Yui aspect can't be stopped, but he CAN stop the other so ALKJFALKFLAJFKAFJK ALKFJKLAFKFAJF FRAFLJ GRRRRRRRRR LAKJFKJFJKRJKRJ LIKE /SCREAMS/

I hope he reads the letters and realizes that it isn't something that will just pass. It wasn't for Rand. Even after he lost her, years later he still carried that Bible filled with her letters with her love with her desire to protect him, with the photo of their son. Rand never moved on. Even though he pushed her away and tried to be the responsible man, he never moved on.

Be for fucking real, Nol. You think you can do that? You know you can't do that. Rand never moved on, Nessa never moved on. Does he think Shinae could?

I want her to go in guns blazing. I want her to go in mad, I want them to argue because at least when they argue they're a little bit more honest, they say the things they might not if they were calmer and thought about their responses. I want her jealousy and insecurity to come out when Nol tries to shield himself with "I have a girlfriend" and I want her to remind him he said it was fake and he resents her. I wan her to look him in the eye and ask if he can really throw it all away, if he wouldn't have any regrets if he gave up and left her. I want him to fail to answer and instead tell her that maybe he can, who knows, maybe none of this is really real. And I want her to kiss him and prove to him how very real it is, how very much they both want it, and how very much they need each other.

They can have a heart to heart afterwards ;A; She can tell him about the Kousuke birthday party nightmare fiasco, remind him how Yui manipulated her and took advantage of her desperation, tell her what Rand said, that Yui will never let her go, tell him about Yui's offer. I want her to hold his stupid face and tell him that the only thing denying his feelings and pushing her away can do is hurt her more because regardless, she's trapped. She can't get out of her contract, she still has to face them! I want him to see that even if he can't get around his own paralyzing fear that that doesn't have to be the only option. He can leave. He can disappear. He can go away - as long as he doesn't sever that tie, as long as she still has contact. ;~;

Cos look.... I don't think we, or Shinae, could handle Nol leaving without resolving things. Even if it was a "he leaves and in prison he realizes he was a fool he can't do this he can't leave her like that", can she really handle him doing this? He had his opportunity to leave - twice. He could have left for jail and never stepped foot in her presence ever again, but he still went to her. And after they talked she told him he could leave, that she wanted closure. But he stayed.

He stayed and they talked and they shared moments and she told him all about her most painful straw, about why being thrown away by him hurts so much. He stayed and he almost died and she almost lost him and while the city was asleep they found comfort in their least favorite place together. While everyone slept they flirted and finger danced and danced and he hurt her again and how can he leave after that how can he push her away. He told her that what they did wasn't "just friends" that it was something more and all but told her to come back when she'd figured it out and she has and if he tries to push her away when she finally comes back I will KICK HIS ASS. Because if he does that how can she ever accept him back after? ;A; How can he shatter her heart over and over again and ever come back into her life? ;_________________;

So PLEASE I hope she can convince him, if only by refusing to let go, by convincing him of why he's making a mistake.

;A;

SCREAMS

[trashlie]

[‼️fp 237 spoilers] ahhh ashlie we're always on the same wavelength <3 sorry for going off a bit in the last asks, i can get a little fiery ehe 😅 and right it's absolutely understandable why nol is the way he is, why he acts the way he does why he's walking in circles and if anything i'm frustrated FOR him because he is in such an unfortunate situation and you can tell he's absolutely terrified ;; the stronger his feelings are, the bigger the fear that something terrible is gonna happen to her, the stronger the urge to keep his distance to avoid that. because how could he live with himself if/when that happens? especially after what happened at the formal? like... i get it, i really do ;A; but you are also correct, nothing can be done about yui for now, but he at least can change the way he treats her! and, if shinae is willing to deal with the risks and danger that he brings, then it's her choice! and she is responsible for her own actions and choices!!

and i've been thinking the same thing! if they were supposed to part on bad terms, it could've happened after the dance. but instead we have the 3 day extension leading up to christmas (there *are* medical facilities in prisons so they could've taken him in but no), the "convince me", shin's bandana that she *still* has to get back, and also why are we moving so fast with nol barely able to hold back and the focus on her lips and shin being so feral? why these realizations and desires *now*, when they could've begun after jailtime?? it's obviously leading to *something*. otherwise it would be too anticlimactic. ILY has never been about quick reward so i'm not mad the buildup is taking its time. nol had the talk with dieter next is kousuke and then mayyyybe (big maybe) alyssa? since he's gonna get his phone back? and we might also have the shinae-dieter talk and then shinae-nol will probably be last. i would not be surprised if she shows up on the last day and that will be the climax. and quim is dangling it right in front of us so let's just hope she eventually gives us what we want, what the story needs, instead of yanking it away because then what were all these episodes even for? we'd be taking 10 steps back and for what? a gotcha moment?? sdghdgh GRHHH YELLS. 💥

and 1000% agreed shin is gonna have to do the heavy lifting and if she convinces him with a kiss then so be it. if she has to be a lil morally gray and break her own rules and kiss a taken man (no matter the nature of his relationship with alyssa, it's still a relationship), so that *he* can break his own rules, then fine. and look we know the effect of resting on her shoulder had on him, a kiss would completely undo him. convince me this is not what you want convince me you can throw me away now. HE CAN'T. GAME OVER. there is no way he'd be able to argue. seriously if the "convince me" comes back this time from shin i'll explode. 🤸🏾 and i KNOW she has it in her girl you can't keep letting him push you around you can't keep getting flustered under his gaze forever stand up and give back the energy go get what you want!! and ALSO "i don't have time for this" "it's not going to happen" yadda yadda that's FINE nothing has to happen mutual feelings and even a kiss don't mean you gotta start a relationship just talk and come to an agreement. be on the same page. GOD.

-slightly more optimistic lil anon 😼

ah sorry to add on to my prev ask: to clarify, IF we're heading into a kiss as a means to convince nol, to change his mind, then it will really depend on how quim executes it, how the conversation goes what the circumstances are... and i want shinae to give her best effort and not back down but i really wouldn't want her to force anything physical on him. consent is important! again, just to clarify, because i realized what i said could be potentially controversial. no forced kisses, that's not how i meant it! my apologies! -lil anon 😼

PLSSSS you are right we ARE always on the wavelength so no need to apologize for getting fiery because SAME! You should have seen me going through the stages of grief and denial after that episode lmao It was.... intense I have so many feelings alkfjakfjkafkajfjafj

also don't worry I know what you mean, huhuhu! Maybe someone out there might have misunderstood but I think we're both on the same page when we talk about that and, frankly, given that this is fiction and it's a controlled environment.... a kiss in this scenario would yeah be something that is welcome! I'm trying to think of how to explain this lmao but I'm sure you understand what I mean! Because it's like.... it IS something he wants, but he's trying so hard to deny himself that.

Like yes this is basically where my shred of hope remains: there HAS been too much build up, our guy keeps focusing on her mouth, he received that 3-day extension and that ABSOLUTELY provides narrative purpose, he still has her bandana, "convince me", etc. etc. It absolutely would be incredibly anti-climatic to send him away without them talking. Like you said, I'm not even here urging them to get into a relationship! That's fine, the circumstances are *not great* and if he's that afraid maybe that could be a compromise. That "This isn't going to happen" at this time because he's so afraid of the consequences, but that it CAN eventually happen. To me, the important thing is that they TALK about it. Acknowledge their mutual feelings, don't deny them. Acknowledge that they want each other!!!!! Okay!!!!!

Like, I guess at this point the conflict is this: Nol and Shinae have incredibly strong feelings for each other, but Nol feels both like an asshole because Dieter likes her too, but also afraid because he is very convinced that terrible things will come to those he cares about. He can't turn off those feelings, though, so he can only feign apathy, but at this point, it doesn't matter. Shinae is in Yui's clutches. He doesn't know this though - yet. But this is our conflict. Shinae is afraid that Nol is throwing her away and she absolutely refuses to let him do this. This has happened before and this time she will not stand for it! This time she will prevent it.

Now she knows that she has feelings for him. Maybe when she wakes up, we'll get to see her dwelling more, because Maya already told her "maybe he likes you and he's being mean so you don't find out". Shinae, bless her little heart, thinks that Nol can't possibly like her because he has a girlfriend - a hot, gorgeous, famous, talented girlfriend - but she NEEDS to sit down and think about everything that lead up to that argument. His insistence that he cannot be alone with her. The intense way he asked her to dance. His fingers in her hair leaning so close to listen to her music, the finger dancing, his finger hooking around hers, the way he looked at her, his head on her shoulder so calm he could sleep! She doesn't even know he wasn't on the morphine drip!

Shinae's whole goal is that she doesn't want to lose him, and now that she knows what she feels about him, why she can't lose him, that perhaps Maya is right, I think she'll be very determined to talk to him, to fight back. Something we've seen so far is that Nol tends to have the advantage. He was the one who figured out his feelings and began to suspect hers first. There's so many things he's never let her in on, leaving her in the dark. But likewise, there are things he doesn't know about her, too. I feel like her pure determination and fear of losing him will be a worthy adversary of his own fear, that even as he tries to put those walls up and push her away she isn't backing down. We saw her try to break down his door!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah, I feel like a convince me kiss is a really good option, because much like when Nol held Shinae in place at the Parks' place when she tried to run away and avoid her feelings of vulnerability, I think she needs to hold him in place, too. Stop running away, stop lying, stop trying to deny what he can't. Does all of this really mean nothing? Can you really throw all of this away? It feels like that would come before actually talking, because yes they kind of need to get those walls down, she has to make him contend with what he's pushing away. I love the idea of the turn tables, where he was the one trying to make her realize, now it's her turn to do the same, especially because he was trying to make her realize. Like.... "Why didn't you deny it then?! Why are you still trying to push me away when you know how much that hurts?! Why won't you let me have a choice?!"

JUST YELLS

I just... yeah I feel like they gotta argue a little, she's got to plant a kiss - that I absolutely imagine him reciprocating because like you said, even the head on her shoulder thing was making him crumble. In my head I see it like her asking if he can really ignore this and kissing him, and as she starts to pull away he leans in, following her, pulling her back in and just.... mauling her. lakjfkafjkafjkafjk I feel like the moment she makes contact it's game over his brain is switching off and it's pure want and instinct and a touch-starved man falling apart at the seams, hands on face in hair pulling her impossibly closer, so hungry, so needy for something he's denied himself at every opportunity. Every time he thinks about her he keeps focusing on her mouth LMAO he wants SO BADLY and I need her to use that against him and force him to contend with what he's trying to deny. He insists that maybe this can pass but CAN IT? DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?!

And THEN they can talk, THEN she can reiterate what she's been telling him, what Rand has told her, what Yui has done what Yui has said. I WANT HIM TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS TRANSCENDS HIM. I WANT HIM TO UNDERSTAND THAT HE IS NOT PROTECTING HER BY LEAVING HER BE, THAT HE IS, IN FACT, LEAVING HER MORE VULNERABLE. I WANT HIM TO UNDERSTAND THAT HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO IS HURTING HER ;A;

There's something about the way that like.... he wants her so much and he's so scared of losing her that he can't have her, because of how much he cannot lose her. Like, no matter what HE LOSES HER ;A; And no matter what SHE IS GETTING HURT. SCREAMS

I'm just talking in circles because yeah we all know this we all know what we need LMAO we all know what it happening but AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH JUST FEELINGS FEELINGS FEELINGS ;_____________;

and quim is dangling it right in front of us so let's just hope she eventually gives us what we want, what the story needs, instead of yanking it away because then what were all these episodes even for? we'd be taking 10 steps back and for what? a gotcha moment?? sdghdgh GRHHH YELLS. 💥

This is really what it comes down to, though, yes, and I keep repeating this, too. From a narrative writing standpoint, doesn't it feel like we'd just be taking 10 steps back? If he was going to leave and all of this would be unresolved, we wouldn't be hashing into it now, he wouldn't have an extra 3 days, he wouldn't be stuck at the hospital, Shinae and Nana wouldn't be interacting like this, the talk with Dieter wouldn't be happening, he wouldn't have "convince me"'d her. If they weren't going to approach this, to talk about this, to hash out their feelings without some kind of resolution, he WOULD have left. He wouldn't have gotten injured, he never would have been there. We just... gotta go down a bumpy road to get there. Like you, I think it could be that she doesn't go til the last day, too. Or.... idk. I have played with the idea that maybe she'd wake up and go immediately to the hospital having to sneak in, but again, narratively, it feels like we have a LOT happening with Kousuke there right now.

Also I just can't shake the fact that 3 days brings us SO CLOSE to Christmas and it feels SO VERY POINTED, right?

We absolutely could have had Shinae realizing her feelings while Nol is gone, after "losing him" but.

I'M CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC. SHINAE IS SO DETERMINED and she's so FERAL about her feelings and she's SO INTENSE!!!!!!!! She WANTS HIM SO BAD and she is SO SCARED OF LOSING HIM I JUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CONVINCE HIM. SHOW HIM WHAT A FOOL HE IS. REMIND HIM THAT TWO CAN PLAY THIS GAME, THAT HE DOESN'T GET TO MAKE ALL THE CHOICES THAT SHE, TOO, HAS FEELINGS INVESTED

RAKAFLJKAFKJAFKJAFKAJF GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRR RJRRGJ GRRRRR GGR FKAFJJF GRERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ;A;

[trashlie]

You're right it's very possible that Nol had a fight with his mother... I was also moved to a different country as a child, and I remember having a phase where I resented my parents for it because I was promised all these good things, but all I got was homesickness and feeling lost in the new environment. It was probably similar for him, and it would make complete sense if he argued with Nessa about it. And related to what you sad about Nol being angry and bitter and hot-headed... I keep thinking about the dialogue that was like "He sent someone's son to the hospital" or something like that. We know it was not Kousuke, because he seemed physically fine after whatever happened. So it must be someone different then. And... Nol must have gone to school, right? Yes they were illegal immigrants, but surely Rand could have pulled some strings to get his son into a school. If he was homeschooled like Alyssa, we would probably know that, right? So, what if before the incident with Kousuke, Nol got into a fight, maybe even multiple times? Maybe those kids in school teased Nol for something. For looking different, the red hair, the freckles, his foreign name, maybe not speaking the language well. Maybe they were rumors going around about his mother, how she is a mistress, how his father is a skirt chaser, how Nol is an illegitimate child, how they're all bad people. Kids can be cruel and probably used less polite words, if you know what I mean. And Nol was already dealing with everything you mentioned. Maybe those kids pushed it too far and he snapped and lashed out. Similarly to what happened with Shin-Ae, basically. Except Shin-Ae was this small girl, she couldn't do *too* much damage (though the boy she fought looked pretty rough), but Nol was always big and tall for his age, so maybe he underestimated his strength and severely injured someone.

Think of it this way, too: One instance of being violent and unstable isn't really enough to justify locking a child into a mental facility for two years, especially with the media involved and the whole story being very public. There are procedures and protocols in place. Sure, Yui could've arranged it regardless. But what I think happened is that she got wind of the fight at school, and used it to her advantage. Made Nol appear like a repeat offender. There were already rumors and even "proof" of him being unstable and aggressive, which makes him getting violent again so much more believable, right. Much easier to convince everyone that putting him in the facility is necessary, that it's the right thing to do. It would also make it easier for Kousuke to believe Yui's narrative, because the kid attacked someone at school and you're his victim too but don't worry he is under control now you're safe. And most importantly, it would make it easier to make Nol believe that about himself. I didn't do anything to Kousuke but everyone keeps telling me that I did, so maybe I'm wrong? I know I lost control and hurt someone before, so maybe they're right and it happened again? Can I even trust what I remember, what I believe? Maybe there really is something very wrong with me? Maybe I am an unstable dangerous person that should be kept away from everyone? That deserves punishment? It would be so much easier to insert these beliefs into his head, mess with his memories and his self-perception, when there is undeniable proof of violent behavior and he probably already feels guilty about that and is starting to question himself...

First off, Nonny 💕 Thank you for sharing your experience 🥺 I can't imagine that must've been easy for you as a child to deal with such a radical change to your life.

But yes, I very much agree with you! I can't remember if I've ever said it on here or if it's only come up in my conversations, but I've been wondering for a while now if Nol DID, in fact, hurt someone. It used to be that I wondered if he really DID hurt Kousuke - quimchee has said before that they've had one fight. But a couple things never made sense. Wasn't it curious that he said "people got hurt"?

In retrospect, it seems like an odd way to put it - that he had issues plural and that was what kept them apart. People got hurt. Even the article that mentions the heir being attacked doesn't make it sound like Kousuke had to be hospitalized. But right, I agree he very well still could have sent someone's kid to the hospital with everything he had on his plate - his unhappiness, the hot-headed anger, kids being cruel and bullying him, spreading rumors, being xenophobic, etc.

There's also this

"Especially after hearing how you were treated in middle school."

This has stuck out to me ever since this episode dropped because of what we DO concretely know... nothing really fits that logic, does it? Had Nol ever fought Kousuke, that's not something that he'd think relates to Shinae being bullied and fighting a kid in act of desperation.

But if Nol was fighting kids, had really hurt someone and his very important father pulled weight so Nol got into less trouble... That feels like it could be something he fears will change her perception of him, what he thinks of her. Because right, even if he was lashing out after being pushed too far, the right button was pushed and he attacked, it's SO easy to see how he could turn that on himself. Further to this point, it sounds like he was put through anger management therapy and we know he uses his punching bag to let out his anger, we can absolutely see how very easily he blames himself, how HE could have been convinced of all of this. That he's unstable, he's dangerous, he needs to be subdued.

And further to that, it makes me wonder if punching Sangchul was parallel to what happened in his past. Again, Sangchul was the one taunting him, baiting him because he was certain Nol was too much of a coward to attack, so he pressed his buttons and Nol snapped. And what's more, Kousuke knows a LOT of intimate details about Nol and his family. Plenty of people know rumors about Nol and his institutionalization. Maybe Sangchul figired not only was Nol too much of a coward to act out but because he has a pre-existing record he couldn't lash out without getting into trouble.

And because everything is a parallel and Nol and Shinae are mirrors, it feels very likely that his own incidents with fighting and hurting someone were similar to Shinae's experience, where he reached his limit where it all spilled out where he lashed out at the people who were making his life hell and more miserable than before. Again, it's SO EASY to twist it around on him if he made that first move. "You should have just ignored them. You shouldn't have let their words get to you. You struck first. You hurt someone."

Likewise, it makes it so much easier to kind of brainwash him with this thinking in the hospital. To convince him that he's a bad person who deserves no kindness, who needs to be punished. As readers we get it, we understand. We see how he's been treated by people, reduced to nothing, made to feel like a bother, a mistake, that he only makes things worse. His mother's death looks like suicide, like she took her own life and abandoned him in this foreign country so far away from anyone he knows and left with this cruel family who treats him like he doesn't exist, shouldn't exist, and all of the kids who have bullied him and made him feel like shit. 😭😭😭

How easy it would be to convince this poor kid, this illegitimate bastard of the Hirahara family living as an undocumented immigrant in their shadow, that he is a terrible person who has hurt so many people who doesn't belong here who only hurts people, who can only bring harm to the people he cares about. It also would explain why he worked so hard at absolution - he believes he has so much to atone for.

And that's the worst part, isn't it? To know that he probably did fight, probably did hurt someone after putting up for so long with people taunting him, mocking, bullying him, that no one defended or protected him and when he reached breaking point, he was faulted for how he reacted. It sounds like no one gave him the help he REALLY needed, the understanding and compassion as well as the anger management. All too often when it comes to bullying we see this kind of thing, too. Those children were responsible for pushing his buttons but instead he gets blamed because he couldn't "just ignore them". Instead he was made to feel like a monster, to take all of the blame for not being able to handle what others did to him. Expecting people, especially children, to be able to carry that kind of stress, to live with those kinds of harassment and never to step in or defend them, to try to put a stop to it before it reached that stage. 😭

Once again and as always, these children were all failed by the adults meant to protect them and I will never get over it.

[trashlie]

oh i almost forgot! i also wanted to say thank you for your commentary on 223, you really hit the nail on the head describing all the ways in which shinae and nol's situations in terms of trauma and healing are similar and different. we've been shown the parallels, now the differences become much more obvious. and it's important to keep in mind that nol's circumstances *are* very different. opening up and getting close to people really does put him and them in danger because he's haunted and hunted by yui. and not to belittle shinae's situation but for him it's more than just the fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt in the process. so yeah, thanks for pointing that out! it does make me wonder if nol can ever be comfortable as long as yui is around... would she let him be if kousuke gets the ceo position, or would she keep tormenting him for fun? it's a suffocating situation, it probably really is best if he spends a couple of years away from... everything, so he can at least breathe...

-lil anon

I feel like the BEST thing about your asks is that you always manage to hit on a topic I've been thinking a lot about and BOY is this one of those!

I don't think I remembered to make this point in my 223 (or even 224) commentary, because there was so much to get over and just a lot of feelings to feel lol but especially re: the differences in Shinae and Nol's trauma is just how that affects the ways they react?

Something I've recently noticed about Shinae is that despite her mother leaving when she was young, she has an almost naive perception of family. I don't say this in a negative way at all, because she means the best of it. She just... expects that families are families, despite their circumstances. For better or worse, she and Shimhan have, mostly, been a team. He has done everything to take care of her, never made her feel bad when they moved so she could attend a new school, ran himself ragged trying to keep them afloat - even when it came to negatively affect them. To her, family is there for you. They have your back. They have an obligation to you and they fulfill it.

It took some time before she could see Yui for who she really was, and she was able to believe that Yui truly loves Kousuke. I think this is why so many readers stayed convinced of that, too, for so long. Because Shinae sees it, too. It has to be true. Yui does awful things because it comes from a good place. But we've learned that's not so.

She envied Alyssa for everything she had - money, a big home, all the things she could ever want, parents who were suffocating. She was blinded by her own absence of a mother and couldn't understand how parents who are TOO doting were a bother - and I don't fault her for this at all! But as a result, she also couldn't understand the implications of Alyssa changing so readily when her father came home. The darker concepts of a perhaps abusive father didn't seem to cross her mind, because she comes from an incredibly loving father who has never really made her feel any kind of fear.

Even very recently, she went through the same thing with Nol.

It was only afterward that she caught herself and remembered what she had learned from Kousuke and about Nol's parentage. And look, I don't fault her here - she has lived a life of struggle, certain that if only they had more money, if only they didn't have these struggles, life would be better. And that's true - if her father didn't have to work so hard, if he had the leisure to finish nursing school without having to pay hospital bills, they could probably have lived a more comfortable and relaxing life.

But money only solves her issues because the issue IS money. Alyssa's issue is not the money. Nol's issue isn't the money. Having a big house doesn't mean to him what it would to her, because he doesn't have the family to fill that home. Their own personal issues cloud and shape their perceptions of others. When you've spent your life struggling, looked down on because you're poor, when you only have the room in your life to think of survival and getting by, getting free food at whatever the cost, exceling in school so you have a chance at getting scholarships to allow you to go to university, then yeah, you WOULD envy Nol's position. A wealthy family, no need to work, all the free time to study, able to buy food for other people, never having to question when your next meal is or if there will be another time that you might face eviction is a dream for her.

But it's only a dream because she has a father who loves her and she doesn't have to question his support. What good is a big home when you feel like you're trapped in it? Not that Nol has even lived with them (according to him). What good is all that wealth if you're still lonely, if you fee no warmth or love from your father, when your mother is gone?

Shinae never means any harm by these misconceptions, either. It's just that to her, she's never had to doubt her family. To her, family supports you, they have your back, they take care of you. It's easy to forget that not everyone has that.

And yeah, I think this largely shapes the way they navigate their trauma because right, exactly, in comparison, Shinae's struggles AREN'T as bad as Nol's, and that doesn't belittle her struggles. But it's true. Even the darkest time of her life, when her father was hospitalized and they were facing eviction and she had to call upon a favor from Kousuke, as she tried to hide away at the formal, Nol showed up and had her back. And thus, she equates herself as doing the same for him. He was persistently there for her at every turn, and it was able to wear her down until she could see the good in his persistence, until she could finally see the merit of letting someone catch you when you fall. And because that's her experience, she had believed it might be his, as well - that she could be there for him enough that he could be as vulnerable with her as she was with him, that he would reciprocate the trust.

And because she doesn't know how much deeper his wound is, because she doesn't know how dark it is, she can't help but take his refusal to open up as a sleight. From her vantage, doesn't it feel like he doesn't trust her? Doesn't it feel like he can't open up to her? I think she would understand, if she knew just a little more. How can we expect her to understand when he just tells her he doesn't need to see (her joy!), he's okay being in the dark?

We've seen Shinae grow a lot, but I think we'll continue to see that growth with Nol, if/when/however they find a place for that common ground. She acts on her own experiences - she was able to become a better friend, to open up to people, to be more vulnerable - and believes that it's the same for others. But I think whenever she finds out how deep Nol's wounds are, she'll understand more. She'll be able to see why it's so much harder for him to be as vulnerable as her.

It's just a matter of her gaining that knowledge.

I know none of this is really new lol but it's just something that's been floating around in my head LMAO

ANYWAY lmao I think... yeah. I think as long as Yui exists, there's no peace. Yui messes with Nol BECAUSE he exists. Yes it's partly to ensure that Kousuke gets to where he needs to be, but I think mostly it's just because he exists. Because he was never meant to, because he benefits from her family, because he is a blight on her image (her husband has an illegitimate child so everyone knows he had an affair and boy Rand sure does embarrass her and her family doesn't he). I think Yui just takes joy from making him miserable and making him suffer, regardless of whether or not Kousuke is succeeding at what she set him up to do.

That said, I do think a major part of Nol's character mgiht be finding comfort in being able to rely on others. It won't make his life less suffocating, exactly, but it might be more bearable if he doesn't feel so alone, if he knows he has people to turn to. In a way, I think this is one of those things where we see that Nol/Shinae, Rand/Nessa parallel/foil. Nessa wanted to be that refuge to Rand, it seems by her letters. She wanted to be a beacon of hope, someone who helped him keep going when it was hard. He carried around that Bible full of her letters, of the love they shared. But he was married, he had an obligation to his family, to his career, and thus he could not rely on Nessa the way she wanted him to. He repressed everything, he turned cold and icy so Yui had nothing to use against him, he learned to be unfazed in the face of her taunting, and he lost himself in doing so. If Nol never learns to open up, to be vulnerable, to seek refuge in people, that would be his future, too. Repressing everything about him in effort to just survive. But as evidenced by Rand, what kind of survival is that? There's no living if you live that way.

I agree that Nol will never know true peace if Yui remains around and possesses the power/influence she does. But I think if Nol finds it in him to be vulnerable, and to learn what it is like to trust people, to let that guard down a little, to find a pocket of safety where he can breathe, maybe it would make it bearable. It's hard to fight back when you live in fight or flight mode. It's hard to fight back when you spend all your energy just surviving - but if you can find a place where you can rest? Where you can recharge? Where you can regain that energy and strength, it's easier to fight back and to endure, I think.

[trashlie]

I'm loving all your ILY posts! I've also seen your comments on reddit and I enjoy reading your insightful analysis there, too. I would like to know your thoughts on Kousuke and Alyssa. Do you think they will become narrative foils? I noticed they were acting awkwardly around each other too (it kind of reminds me of how annoyed Soushi reacts around Maya) and she seems to have a crush on him 👀 I think she'll be used to contrast how he's still capable of redemption. 1/?

I mean Yui groomed them both successfully. They have shown to emulate her behavior, value their reputation over other people's feelings, and refuse to take accountability for their actions against Shin Ae and Nol. But unlike Kousuke, Alyssa has shown no hint of remorse or even guilt. 2/?

Waaahh thank you so much, anon! Isn't it silly that I still go :O when I realize people actually enjoy what I have to say? I started yelling into the void on tumblr because I got worried I was too active on reddit and I was possibly annoying people lmaooooo so I'm actually really glad you're able to find me on both platforms! It means a lot that I'm not just yelling into a total void.

If you don't mind, I'm breaking your ask down into two parts, because I might leave somethin off/this will get too long if I keep it all in one lol. BUT you bring up things I love to think about!!!!! So!!!!!

I think we are deliberately kept in the dark about Alyssa - whether it's to subvert the scheming girl trope, I'm not sure, but there's a lot of things we don't know about her and that's definitely on purpose. She's a character who probably won't be revealed more to us for a while yet, too, which is frustrating if only because I want to know everything NOW, but it does serve to make her more interesting.

Alyssa's interest in Kousuke is so obvious I can't believe I never noticed it in my original reads. I've seen this brushed off as "She just admires him" and I'm just like... she actually sulked for a moment about Kousuke leaving! Meanwhile she was straight up all but telling Nol she'll help him pack his bags lmao.

I feel like the cast of her shadow is deliberate, too, but look at that face. Sulking.

Compare with

There's room to argue that we can't see Alyssa's face when she first tells him she won't stop him, but she kind of makes it abundantly clear that Nol being away doesn't really affect her. And, I mean, look at how their relationship is conducted. She's bragged to Meg that she and Nol are so casual and cool and easy breezy.

(I guess that means there ALSO is room to argue that Alyssa is putting on a front and just saying this to make sure people think her relationship is great, but the only People who know is Meg. And as a people pleaser, if Alyssa felt uncomfortable with the casual nature of her relationship with Nol, wouldn't she actually do more to make the relationship more of what she wants? Notably during the conversation on the balcony, she basically tells Nol this isn't really her dream relationship, which leads to the admission that they are together not for each other but for the benefits they each get so......)

Kousuke is the one who confuses me the most, because it strikes me as really weird that Yui has used Alyssa as leverage before against Kousuke. "You should bring a date, Kousuke, Alyssa will be there." What does this mean? What does it have to do with him and why would it entice him to bring anyone, anyway? I'm still really baffled on this one, tbh. Something that really stood out to me was during the dinner when Nol finally revealed he was planning to attend Oxford, Kousuke was distracted by his own news that the CFO position would be opening. In fact, when Nol mentions attending Oxford later, Kousuke seems to act like this is his first time hearing it.

Nol takes note of Kousuke's state of distraction before he finally starts talking about his plan.

The way quim does the dialogue and suddenly Kousuke's interest returning is.... interesting isn't it? From the moment Nol notes Kousuke's disinterest, we don't see his face again until Rand brings up Alyssa. Quim doesn't do anything without reason - in a movie, you wouldn't waste film on Kousuke's interesting returning at the mention of Alysa unless it meant anything, right?

There's so many little moments that make me go what the heck is going on here, too.

What the heck is up with THIS? Why does Kousuke deliberate SO LONG before he calls Alyssa? Like, do I think he's really so weirded out about calling his younger brother's girlfriend, considering he has one of his younger brother's own friends reporting on him and at his beck and call? You can't convince me that he's hesitant only because Alyssa is the sister of Meg. It just seems too wary.

And yes, this moment here?

It really does have the same tone as Soushi's wariness of Maya, except is Kousuke wary of Alyssa in the same way? Is he wary of her intentions? This one is so hard for me to read, because frankly, at this point it's hard to tell if Kousuke even cares about Nol as a brother or because he was forced to and he feels deep-buried remorse for the way he treated him and doesn't know how to handle it. Is he just aware of Alyssa's keen interest in him and that puts him on edge? Would he even care about Alyssa's keen interest unless she starts to get pushy?

I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA and frankly, it drives me nuts, so I love to discuss this and see what other people have to say. I'd never even noticed how long he deliberates before finally calling her until someone on reddit pointed that out.

lmao this so much preamble to get to the point but anyway YES they are absolutely parallels and I do wonder if they would become foils. Again, it's hard to know with Alyssa because we've been deliberately shielded so much of her personality right now and it's hard to tell what's real and what's not with her. The way that she worries about Shinae telling Nol what she did absolutely reads to me as a lack of remorse, but maybe I'm just projecting because we haven't been given much reason to like her lol. Shinae definitely makes it seem like Alyssa never actually apologized and the way Shinae just brushes it off makes me feel like there was never actual, proper closure. What Alyssa did is worse than just causing her injury: it was why she did it and how she reacted like Shinae was something dirty and how dare she even talk to her even though Shinae probably just wanted to know why Alyssa stopped being friends with her. Maybe she was even seeking closure at the time.

In the same way that Nol and Shinae are mirrors, Kousuke and Alyssa are their parallel abusers, grooming victims of Yui, those who care more about their image and reputation than anything else and have hurt others (Nol and Shinae) in their quest to fill the role. We still don't know if Alyssa dated Nol because she genuinely had a crush (doubtful so far) or because she figured out the family he's from and wanted to get closer. I try so hard to give her the benefit of the doubt but narratively we aren't privy to that yet. Also, have you noticed that Nol and Shinae both have a relationship of some kind with each others' abuser? This mirror and their parallel abusers thing is INTRICATELY woven.

That's what makes it so difficult to tell if she'll become a foil or merely a parallel that highlights what Nol and Shinae have been through. We know Kousuke will receive a redemption arc, because he's a main character, and also because I think part of subverting his trope is that he has to take responsibility for his past actions, rather than being loved in spite of the things he's done or whatever. In order for Kousuke to proper and develop further, he has to be held accountable and he has to break free of his family. Can we trust the same for Alyssa? At this point, she doesn't want to lose Nol because she knows if she loses him, she can just as easily lose her career and access to the world she's only just gained access to (and if she were to lose it all right now, it would be worse for her because she'd have all those trainee fees to pay back).

I think both Kousuke and Alyssa are likely in for a very public airing of their sins; for Kousuke it may come in the form of the expose YuJing is working on, collateral damage in the quest to take down Yui. I also think the only way to nudge Kousuke to change is that his image has to take a hit in some form. Is it that Rand isn't his father? Is it a reveal that he abused his brother? Is it whatever happened in the past that Nol got in trouble for was caused by Kousuke and he let Nol take the blame? Likewise, I think the fact that people knew Alyssa in middle school means she's not so safe, either; what if one of the girls from after school duty reveals what happened? Surely there were rumors going around school about what happened - Shinae is out of school, Alyssa is pulled from school, kids talk. Frankly, a scandal like that could ruin her career, and worse, if Nol knew what she had done, would he be able to remain shackled to her?

While I know Kousuke won't immediately take responsibility for his actions, I've always believed that such a catalyst would at least make him start thinking about it and force him to admit it. It wouldn't happen over night, but in time it will. But will Alyssa? Would she deny the allegations? Would she just shift blame, insist that it was all an accident, that it wasn't bullying like you think? (Cos look, I do believe it was an accident, but there's a way to call it an accident and still admit fault and blame; but just as easily you can call it an accident and try to shirk responsibility.)

I do love the idea of her being a foil for Kousuke, an Aesop's fable, if you will, of what happens when you barter with the devil (Yui). I'm not opposed to the scheming female character type, but I do oppose it when they take down others to raise themselves up, and if that's the way Alyssa will end up doing it, then I'll be happy to watch her fall. If she can scheme and use her connections without hurting people then hey power to ya. Unlike Alyssa, Kousuke never had a chance to evade Yui, and being able to walk away from her as an adult will be a choice he can make. Alyssa loses... so much if she breaks her deal.

I guess that's the thing about where she and Nol are in their relationship now - it's been made clear he's hanging in here because he's forced to and as a sort of act of self-sabotage, full well knowing she's here because she's taking advantage of the opportunities that "dating" him brings so... if they're in an agreement, is it okay to watch her climb right now? She leaves me conflicted and I know it's largely because she's one of the characters we know just enough to hate but so little to justify. Could it be that it all just got out of hand for her? At first she just wanted friends, was trying to find a place to belong, something good in a life that deprived her of social connections. And then comes along Yui, seducing her with ideas of fame and fortune? Was the desire to be loved and admired so strong it powered over the need to fit in with friends and she readily cast them off? Did she not anticipate what it would actually mean, thought she could have her cake and eat it, too? The way she responds to Nol's texts, and the fact that Dieter and Soushi ask him about her, means she probably isn't even in touch with them at all anymore. Idk, I really look forward to seeing their dynamic pre-idol Alyssa, because I want to know how she fit with them, what was it like?

And then, because this was supposed to be about foils lmao you have the fact that Shinae basically foils both Alyssa and Kousuke in regard to Nol, both as a person who cares about him and also as "a good friend" vs "the person I'm currently seeing" lmao like, everyone is literally set to juxtapose each other and man, I'll never get over how well this has been done lmao. Compared to Kousuke and Alyssa, Shinae is the one who accepts responsibility even when it's difficult, who knows when and how to swallow her pride (even if she's not the one who should) and I think it's why she is the one seen a the champion at Nol's side - they are the ones who care little for their images and who know how to apologize (even when they aren't the ones who should be) and that's why they are at each other's sides.

So yes, this is a very long essay response lol to essentially say: I'm still undecided if I think Alyssa will become a foil or merely remain a parallel. I would love to see her redeem herself but something tells me not all characters in this story will be redeeamable. Maybe one day we'll understand her motivation, even if we don't agree with it. I hope at the very least she makes peace with Shinae, but I get the feeling she'll be forced into it (as in, her secret gets ousted) and that's not as satisfying, but hey, if it helps Shinae then I'm for it.

A friend of mine has mused that maybe Alyssa will be the one to oust the secret herself and I'm ngl, I like that idea though it does feel kind of vindictive towards her character. Maybe accidentally spilling it to Nol would be the segue to a couple episodes from her POV though!

Gosh this was so long I'm so sorry lmao but please follow up with your thoughts and feelings, too, or if this made you think of anything or what! I think at this point in the story we've been given a lot of information but we just don't have enough of it to totally piece together what we're supposed to be seeing. I think Kousuke and Alyssa's weirdness around each other is very deliberate, though, and I'm not sure "She's Meg's sister" is enough to warrant so many panels of Kou being SO WEIRD about her, you know? Am I missing thing? Is there more to be revealed? Are we just blind? lmao Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh

[trashlie]

ILY 171

Oh man what a follow up to 170, huh? I’m a little late to this - I need to try to do better to get these out on Fridays following the ep but that’s okay! As you can tell, FP spoilers are going to follow under the cut!

Something I found really interestingly done on quim’s behalf is that where ep 170 was the climax of the building stress and tension following this arc, 171 feels like we released so much of that tension and as readers we were finally able to relax. Its like as Nol jumped into that pool and resurfaced, we as readers were kind of able to relax and release our collective breaths. 

I really enjoyed this episode, too, because while Drunk!Nol is CLEARLY a trainwreck hurtling for disaster, it felt like some of the older classic episodes in terms of the humor. Nol comes across a lot edgier in this episode, ready to pick a fight at the drop of a hat, but there’s still some call backs to interactions they’ve had in the past. I think it also lends more insight to the blur between Yeonggi and Nol - I still maintain that a lot of who we saw as Yeonggi was still Nol, because there’s just types of humor you can’t fake that easily. We also can’t compare them too much at this time because Nol is drunk and it’s hard to tell how much of this behavior is influenced by his drinking. 

That said, the steady increase of Nol going from ignoring people who are talking about him to straight up giving them something to talk about has been REALLY fun to watch. 

The entire opening of this episode is just so fun? If you, you know, ignore the context lol. Something about Kousuke having a meltdown over Nol’s jump with the groom just cheering off the side, Alyssa coming in with concern and while Kousuke brushes her off, the groom is like oh wait aren’t u that idol lady? SIGN THIS WAIT WHICH ONE ARE YOU? LMAOOOOOO it’s so funny?! I love the little panels of Alyssa reacting to Kousuke and then the groom - we never see those kinds of expressions on her and her sulky pout turning into annoyance is CUTE.

That said...... big ouches for Alyssa. I wonder how that’s going to affect her Kousuke idolatry - he literally told her if he gets another whiff of her he’s going to be sick which is.... ouch harsh but you know lmao that’s a gross smell. At any rate, here she was, finally having a nice night, getting along with Kousuke, actually EXISTED to him, he brought her out to the dance floor!!! And then.... Nol vomited on her lmao. I wonder if seeing Kousuke behave like this will make her rethink much? I guess it depends on what she actually likes about Kousuke - if it’s because she believes he’s the gentleman he presents himself as or if it’s because she admires and covets what he represents, with his power and wealth and influence. I guess we’ll have to see more of that to know. 

But on that topic... Alyssa seems to show more concern about Kousuke’s refusal of her than Nol jumping, and it seems deliberate? Maybe it’s a “for humor” kind of thing, but even her reaction when he said she’s getting on his nerves was more reaction than she showed re: Nol. 

(There is a REALLY fun parallel between Nol flipping his hair back with the title card and drunk Kousuke flipping his hair in 122 - both in cases where people are [or they think are] talking about them and they’re like “say it to my face”.)

Kousuke is SO hard for me to read. Every time I think I have an idea about him, he goes and makes it difficult for me again. I always want to believe that he acts on some kind of concern for Nol - and to some degree I could buy it here, in that he’s so scared that it comes out as anger (much like with Rand) because Kousuke does not know how to process his emotions in a healthy way, and he cannot handle things being out of his control. Nol did something scary and dangerous and maybe it scared Kousuke? But his reaction is that Nol is dead - and so is he - because it all cycles back to Rand. 

I guess the other possibility is that Kousuke is conflicted by both sides of things - his own concern for Nol coming out wrong and his Rand panic blinding him, but that’s exactly the problem. We can’t tell what his actual feelings are and Nol definitely can’t. When Kousuke keeps making it about Rand and what will happen to them when Rand finds out, it’s hard to believe that Kousuke is concerned at all. Like, Kousuke seems DEAD SET on figuring out a way to get Nol presentable even though there is no actual time for that. 

I want to believe he’s scared and it just sent him over the edge? All night, Kousuke has been concerned that everything feels different that things seem topsy turvey in his view - Father is only bringing Nol to the party???? Father does not wish for me to babysit Nol??? Nol cannot exist without me to babysit? Why is Nol getting along with Alyssa? And we’ve seen in the past that Kousuke just can’t handle things, period. All night he’s been telling people they’re getting on his nerves - Kousuke’s nerves are fried, and I want to assume that because of how unpredictable and jarring Nol’s stunt was, it’s just completely fried Kousuke’s nerves and pushed him over the edge of his stress capacity. 

(like when I’m having sensory overload and everything is just so overwhelming the only way I can respond to it is anger because I feel so unethered and out of control.) 

But even if that’s the case, Kousuke still needs to learn to process and EXPRESS his concerns, because constantly making everything about Rand obviously gives Nol ideas of what he thinks is reality. 

And to be fair, it also reiterates JUST HOW MUCH Kousuke fears disappointing Rand. He is MORE WILLING to just NOT SHOW UP for the speech than show up without Nol. Isn’t that wild? He could show up and the golden child and let Rand wonder about Nol, but he is more concerned about the repercussions of that than not going at all. And now he has the perfect scapegoat....

Something else about Kousuke that REALLY stood out to me was when he had the audacity to ask Nol why he’s trying so hard to ruin his night. Kosuuke had no intention of showing up to that party. He could have been at home, eating the desserts Rand gathered for him. HE took it upon himself to attend. HE took it upon himself to follow Nol around. HE took it upon himself to even instigate things. Really if you think about it, Nol may not have even ended up like this! No Kousuke at the party means no Alyssa paying him more attention means no Nol getting annoyed and taking off, etc etc. If anything, Kousuke ruined NOL’s night. But again, it’s just so very Kousuke to make it all about himself. He thinks Nol is doing things just to irritate him but everything Nol is doing is of his own volition. We can argue that taking off was caused by Kousuke, but aside from that, Nol made the choice to attend the party, Nol drank to drown his own feelings, he jumped for his own personal reasons.

Kousuke is the one whose entire night has revolved around Nol. So how is Nol the one ruining his night? 

More than anything, Kousuke is just revealing a truth he doesn’t really address - in his eyes, Nol has screwed up every aspect of his life, simply by existing, and he tells him so much. That from the first day Nol entered Kousuke’s life, he ruined everything, and Kousuke cannot let it go! He CANNOT! He will continue to blame Nol, even when Nol has nothing to do with it. 

It’s a really interesting conversation, because Nol even goes on to say that actually, the only one out here trying to ruin any lives is Kousuke - HE’S the one who takes opportunity to sabotage Nol’s dreams and goals. Maybe Kousuke knows what Nol is alluding to, because for one moment he seems to consider it, before deciding that Nol is spewing nonsense, he’s drunk. Which is just. CRAZY? Nol is SO sound, everything he says is honest, but Kousuke continues to refuse to face the truth!

He must know what he did is wrong, that telling Yui about Nol’s interview at Oxford messed up everything. Does he not feel guilt? Is he just internalizing it and lashing out at Nol instead of acknowledging it?

I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS MAN and I’m always out here trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, trying to understand his angle but it’s SO FRUSTRATING that he stays unable to face himself and accept responsibility. I understand why he doesn’t, but it doesn’t make it any easier for me to witness it, you know? 

I also absolutely LOVE that Kousuke is CONVINCED that simply by virtue of being a doctor, Hansuke can both wake up a passed out guy AND sober him up in a matter of minutes. If that was possible, would Hansuke have let Kousuke go around drunk embarrassing him and picking fights? lol Kousuke is such.... a.... fool sometimes lmao. 

Again, the reiteration that Kousuke absolutely canNOT let down or disappoint Rand, to such a degree that he rigorously follows the rules. He won’t even go with Rand and let Hansuke watch Nol because “Father is expecting BOTH of us”. Everything in his life since childhood has been Kousuke rigidly following some kind of schedule, some kind of expectations, refusing to deter because deterring will make him feel out of control, which he mustn’t feel, and equally, he mustn’t disappoint Rand. 

And because of that it seems like Kousuke’s solution.... is going to involve bringing a passed out drunk Nol to the party at the Park’s?!

I am so excited for this because I know it’s going to be a nightmare hot mess. Kousuke did, indeed, promise Shinae that if possible, he’ll get Nol to the party, but I think maybe they needed some stipulations because I can only imagine how this is going to go. Suppose they can even get Nol woken up on the drive over (pls is he going to vomit in Kousuke’s car because that will be AWFUL and also a little hilarious) they’re going to show up to a party where Shinae’s FATHER is present with Nol, a CONVICT, someone known to have cut off Shinae and co, DRUNK. 

Shimhan, for one, is going to lose it. Minhyuk already hates Nol lmao so this won’t help. 

I think there’s room for Shinae’s concern to outweigh anger, because she has enough clues to put together some ideas about Nol’s current state, and having seen her own father drink himself into danger to cope, it’s not difficult to understand that Nol was probably doing something similar. I definitely can see her being disappointed in his choices, but you can be disappointed and sad for a friend who you know is struggling and going through something he won’t open up about.

If anything, I think she’ll be more sad that he chose to drink than to talk. 

It’s hard to even predict how this is going to go because it really hinges on Nol’s behavior - if he’s going to continue to act belligerent and be a dick - even to his friends. I can’t imagine he’s going to be happy about it - unless he’s so drunk that he’s numbed himself to his own feelings and he can be “happy” Kousuke brought him “against his will”. That sets us up for other scenarios, too - if he’s upset about being there, there will be no reconciliation and we’ll probably move forward to a time skip where Shinae and Nol haven’t been in contact for years. If he IS able to face them once literally dragged to them, then do we count it as a reconciliation if he’s drunk? 

So many thoughts, so many possibilities, so many ways for this to play out, and I am imply DYING to get to ep 172. I HOPE we won’t cut in to the other party only to be left with a cliffhanger with Kousuke arriving. I really hope we get that AS part of the episode.

BUT ALSO GOD Shimhan meeting Kousuke, Nol, and maybe Crimmus Hansuke?! LMAO Can you imagine his reaction Shinae’s much older boss showing up at the party with his DRUNK CONVICT BROTHER IN TOW?

Help! I need this ep now.