#i used to think maybe i was apathetical + depressed + disappointed in reality but... it's been a permanent feature

[rataculona]

sorry for tiktok-diagnosing myself but i'm starting to think my degree of social justiceness from until two years ago was in fact, not ordered by a wish to make the world better have a better life or whatever but in fact by obsessive behavior. contrapoints please make a video about me

[katzirra]

Waiting for the place to give me my file list from my hand drive recovery. Made an omelet with asparagus and bacon, and gave the boys a tiny bit for being good this morning and letting me sleep in past 8:06...

Hannibal woke me up with very loudly aggressively loving face rubs which is new, and has been demanding attention all morning by soft paw grabbing and holding my hand while cooking, also new. Usually he's very independent and wants nothing to do with us.

Still concerned with his audible breathing when he's SLIGHTLY distressed, for a cat with obvious anxiety, and when he's picked up or sitting/laying weird. It's very noticeable, and I'm wondering if it has to do with his nasal bridge being a tad flat.

Trying to manifest a good mood. I'm having a big existential crisis about being alive.

Which, I'll just throw that under a cut and pair it with an apology. 🤙✨

I feel like I have no purpose or meaning. Having a lot of those "why bother/what's the point" moments about a lot of things which...the depth of those feelings isn't just apathetic like most people experience? For me it's very much a red flag, so that's been fun. Usually it's doing something as simple as doing something nice for myself, thinking why bother, and having to ARGUE with myself why it matters. Like...having to validate EVERYTHING I do these days is exhausting. Honestly, it's been a low simmer scary JUST KEEP SWIMMING the last few months. But everything I feel is too much to talk to anyone about, and it doesn't HELP me to. It's me. It's my brain. It's scary and I don't like looking the beast directly in the face when people want me to open up. My demon, my problem, trust me when I say I'm trying and that I'm sincere when I say sorry I'm not all here or present.

I'm, like torn between wanting to message my friend first to talk about shit, but I'm also refusing because I was hurt and the comment about shit being too much to read just resonates in my brain yelling "you're not worth their time and effort, you dumb bitch!" because my brain has a FIELD day with that shit. Its.... Kicking a dead horse, repeating myself anyway probably. It hasn't seemed to stick after the last year of me apologizing monthly because I'm just a shit friend who is too busy working and trying to not kill myself. Suicide ideation is a thing, and it SUCKS when it's as invasive as it is for intruding thoughts. But I'll keep apologizing because I feel guilty for not being good enough. Present enough. Engaging enough. Because maybe that time it'll stick??

They'll probably be better off without me making them feel bad because I don't put in enough effort I guess? Which also just hurts because I know online I'm standoffish these days, so I put the extra effort into being a good host I thought and I hoped that mattered. I just feel like no matter what I'm doomed to disappoint them? So I don't mean they'd be better off in a dismissive way, it's a legit...way I think. Like I'm obviously causing distress, and yelling at me won't fix it because it makes me recoil emotionally. So maybe I'm just a bad friend in reality and it is what it is. I'm sorry so many people have fucked me up about inter personal relationships?? I don't know what to do this time because that stupid fight cut me very deep in core values in myself.

It...Fucked me up. And whether that's important to them or not, or whether it has an repercussive weight, whatever. We've both been hurt by people, and been there as much as we'd let eachother. I've tried to be crazy supportive in the last bout of shit they went through. Because I love a bitch, and they matter immensely to me, and I know I suffered alone through a LOT of things like that and know it sucks. I offered my home, attention and time any time I could give it.. Being told i don't give as much as them set weird on my heart in light of that. It hurt.

Idk...And maybe I'm just some dramatic bitch or whatever I guess. Doesn't matter. I matter, my feelings matter. I'm mentally ill and I fucking bust my ass to deal with it, AND be a loving and supportive fixture in people's lives. I suck, sure. But I'm ALWAYS there for people.

I mention I'm depressed or angry at life, sure, but the layers of distress aren't...on display? It's my shit to deal with, if I bring it up, it's for benefit of people knowing why I'm withdrawn usually. I don't talk about myself much anymore because everything is too much and I just start venting. And people don't care that deeply about how fucked up my head is. Or I over share too much. Or yeah, it's a lot to read and I start babbling because the cork is off and I HURT inside just being alive anymore. I don't feel like I'm living my life for me these days. I don't feel alive. I feel stagnant. I'm biding time for SOMETHING to happen??

Yet I'm constantly apologizing to people for not being able to do basic shit, that I'm upfront about being difficult for some dumb reason. I'm always having to explain myself to people. I am in this bubble so often of feeling like I was made wrong, a mistake, missing something important.

Or that I'm a bad person. I'm too open, too closed, withdrawn, outgoing - I can never seem to get the ratio right. And its the kind of discussion I feel leans into self pity and attention grabbing but it's...something I internally struggle with every week and keep to myself.

Oh Kat, get a psychiatrist - I dont know that it would help, honestly. I know 90% of my thoughts and fears are irrational, and pointless. But I know they have valid backing in trauma that I have mostly dealt with, and am unlearning. But I also know I see through people, can identify those markers, and understand outcomes way too easy and that ALSO makes people mad. So. What the fuck is a shrink gonna do for me? My depression is a background white noise to this stuff, and it's honestly just bullshit I deal with. I'm not keen on medication, I'm sure it would help quiet my brain, but I've been dealing with this shit almost 20 years now, ita just the added drama and bullshit from people that exacerbates the emotional brain rash, for lack of a better phrasing. My issues are all behavioral and some depression and anxiety in the mix that I manage.

For all I'm told people understand ahit wrong with me, it sure is something I repeatedly get bitched at over, honestly. And I partially get it, I also find it frustrating. But I've been battling depression since I was 12/13 and learning to stop thinking certain things only since 21, and that's the harder part. I'm not the person people think I am, I wish I was anymore. That bitch died in 2011/2012. That fissure in my foundation fucked me UP. The shaking I had one or two years ago, didn't help.

To be transparently honest the whole shitstorm two weeks ago really hit some raw nerves I'm trying to deal with, and not doing well. Because the more times that nerve is hit the more I don't feel like a valuable person and that I'm wasting people's time. But the reason I'm yelled at is that I am a valuable person, and they want more of my time in a way?? I don't know what people want from me.

Waves hand dismissively - they're being sweethearts by the back door for now.

I'm in a weird place emotionally and mentally. I don't feel alive. I don't feel real. I don't feel valid or... I don't know. Nothing I say or so actually matters in my own life or experiences. I can be an amazing person with communication and intention but it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't care, it's like arguing online.

You can have a valid discussion and someone can just say "you're a fucking moron, I'm not listening to this" and you can't do anything.

I just wasted two hours organizing my thoughts qnd emotions into a post that I'll delete in a week. What a great use of my time. I'm juat exhausted.

I turn 31 tomorrow and is rather be dead lmao. I'm so tired of the weight of being alive and aware of the world and people around me. About being considerate and kind to everyone and it's never god damn enough. I bleed myself dry emotionally for everyone and run my mental battery into the ground qnd it's never enough. It's never going to BE enough. I don't want mental.break downs and emotional roller-coasters. I want friends that understand I'm scatterbrained and severely damaged and abused and I'm TRYING. I'm sorry it's never good enough.

I'm so fucking tired these days. I just want to disappear. I want to have an actual breakdown and cry

I haven't actually cried in years. I.... Mm. I feel like.im a shell. I'm so tired. I'm trying AO hard to be a good person and functional and I'm just constantly having more dished and I'm just...what is my purpose qnd point these days. I can't even make people happy.

Tomorrow I'll turn 31. It'll be like any other day. 👍✨

[meimi-haneoka]

Clear Card chapter 39 - review

AT LONG LAST!

Real life really takes the will to do lengthy things away from me, even if it’s for fun.

But I love Cardcaptor Sakura so much, so I take this almost as a “duty” to pay respect to this wonderful series. I love when things are done properly and not left “hanging”, so here we go, even if a bit delayed compared to usual: (long)THOUGHTS ON CHAPTER 39 under the cut!!

I’d like to start with a small consideration before going with plot-centric rants: I have noticed the post with this chapter obtained a lot less notes than usual, but it’s a trend that has been going on for a while. I’m not really sure what could be the cause, it can range from Tumblr shadowbanning posts from the tag search if they include a link (so the posts are not visible that much anymore, despite my efforts to make a second text post), to people preferring other sources to get their chapters (and that’s fine), to the fandom moving altogether to other sites and communities, or....to the fandom’s interest slowly fading away. Since it seems we’re almost going towards the climax, I’m not sure how to react to the latter option. I think this is supposed to be the moment in which the fandom’s interest is the more active, but I could be wrong. Anyway, if that’s the case, then I guess it’s really time for CLAMP to wrap it up.

Without further ado, let’s analyze this chapter!

The color page was L O V E L Y. Oh my gosh Sakura-chan, look how grown up you appear here. More beautiful than ever. She’s even re-using a sweater from another color illustration, lol. It’s perfectly fitting with the autumn season and I loved it!

Let’s bother her a little more

Starting off from where we left in ch. 38, Sakura is blown away and Syaoran tries to have The Shadow look for her once again, but....”fooled once, not fooled twice” thinks Kaito, isn’t it? Kaito wants Sakura to do stuff on her own, so he literally “throws” her into a dark tree hole, where her shadow can’t be traced, because well....there’s none. He isn’t looking particularly amused while he does this, well, what I mean is that it’s not like he’s having sadistic fun, causing her troubles. His face is kinda apologetic when he's all “here comes the knight but thanks, no thanks”, as if he understands that Syaoran wants to save her, but he cannot really do otherwise. Sakura needs to do this alone, in order to produce a fitting card. Would you care to tell us readers what this damned card is, Kaito?

The first conversation

Kaito is in the mood for some memories. Memories of the first time he spoke with Akiho. I found it interesting that he used the verb “having a conversation with” rather than “meeting”, and the reason is also pretty easy to guess: for him, it wasn’t the first time. He saw her (although from afar) when he analyzed her through that ball, to determine whether she had magical powers or not.  And their first conversation didn’t start in the best of ways: Akiho’s first reaction is to run away. But what can you expect from a little girl who was used to be considered a bother and only basing on her magical capabilities, and not as a human being. So when Kaito asks her if he bothered her, her confusion is plain visible on her face: Is he talking to me? Me, who is usually the bothering one here?

And so she’s surprised big time when he actually shows to be interested to know which book she was reading. NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE ever did that for her. Remember what environment she grew up in. He is the first and only one wanting to even have a conversation with her (her family only made “questions”). By the way, thanks to Impatient Scans, we actually aknowledge Akiho here might be reading “Momo”, by German writer Michael Ende. That opens a whole new box of questions, starting from “IS THIS where Momo takes her name from? Who gave it to her? What is her real name? Could the story actually be giving plot hints?”

All in all, let me just say I loved this flashback. I always love when there’s a Kaito or Akiho flashback, because I’m so hungry for their background story. I know the story has to sacrifice a bit of the other characters in order to show more of them, because 30 pages are just 30 pages, after all. But it’s ok, that’s also the reason why I’m glad I warmed up to both of these 2, because every month I have more things to look forward to, and I generally am never disappointed with a chapter’s content.

There’s no turning back

As if on cue, Momo starts an inner monologue on Kaito and Akiho, and how much he changed for her.

He really didn’t care about anything, before. He couldn’t be bothered to do anything. He was a very apathetic boy, some fans have theorized he could be on the brink of depression himself without even realizing it (again, consider what a shitty environment he grew up in, a den of delinquents).

And yet.

Among all those criminals, he raised his hand. His voice loud and clear, “I’ll go”. He, the boy who found everything a bother, decided something for himself for the first time ever, and to assist someone else, no less. Momo wonders, to herself, what changed inside of you? Cause something must have changed.

This was another part I really really loved. All the memories of their travels together. You can see the different countries they’ve been to, and their body language, that implies there was still some kind of “distance” between them. Akiho seems still kinda “wary” of Kaito in these shots (and with a reason, who would trust anyone if they were raised up like she did?). But we can see them being more relaxed and at ease the more they spend time together, and it’s on this time spent together that Momo puts the focus on. It’s where Kaito should ideally start to find the answer to the big, complex question.

What made you do this?

Momo muses over how Kaito learned to do all sorts of things in order to please Akiho and to make her live in a healthy environment (remember Akiho saying that Kaito makes by hand all her meals?), finally not neglected but at the center of someone’s attentions. She makes a random example on the tea. Why someone who didn’t give sh*t about how tea tasted, went all the way down to learn how to make it in a delicious way? I love how CLAMP cleverly used the word 術 with the furigana “sube”, which means “how to do something”, but with the same kanji and the reading “jutsu” it also means “spell”. This probably to imply that some magic might have been included in this learning process, err. XD

I also loved how Momo thinks that Kaito needs to look at the truth straight in the eyes, without turning away. Could he be scared to admit the truth? Loving someone (and hear me again, love of any kind, not romantic love exclusively) comes with a little fear. For someone who never experienced it, all the more. It’s a totalizing feeling that might destabilize you.  If he doesn’t wake up to this, it’s gonna be too late. That’s literally what Momo says.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE SHOCKER OF THIS MONTH! Momo and Akiho’s mom knew eachother, and Momo even received her ring and the task to look over her daughter, and Sakura as well. “My Alice, and that girl’s Alice”. I mean, I knew Akiho’s mom was going to be important, but dammit she really looks like she’s been the one moving some plot threads since long time!!! I love this.

The nightmare

And here comes the part where I start screaming “WHAT THE F*CK IS HAPPENING HERE”. Sakura finds herself in a strange land with big flowers (she’s still tiny, let’s remember that), flowers that can actually speak. At her surprised face, the flowers reply “You wished for this, didn’t you?”.

EH?

And then we get to this creepy scene of Akiho appearing out of nowhere, with her experiment outfit, calling Sakura in a dead tone. I was seriously freaking out at the panel composition. Made entirely to evoke creepiness. Apparently, we’re in Alice’s story. Yes. BUT WHICH ALICE?

The strange reality turns into a nightmare. Literally.

Everything turns dark, Sakura is having another one of her dreams. The “shaaan” and the clocks are a sign of it. MCF appears behind Akiho, who this time is in the same position she was when she was turned into a magical artifact by her clan. Sakura’s face twists in horror even before MCF opens his robe, because she knows who’s under it. The last time she saw MCF in a dream was also the last time she saw who was under it. Her heart and mind scarred irreparably forever. And there he is. Syaoran, dead in his eyes. Sakura’s shrieks “NO!!” in horror, she completely refuses to believe this is a real thing. Now, I don’t really know what’s happening here, because after this, everything breaks and she captures GUESS WHAT, the “Break” card. So it’s hard to determine if it was a real dream or only an illusion. Maybe Kaito made her go into her subconscious to find bits and pieces of what she experienced before, in order to shake her enough to produce the right card. Because, if all of this is coming from her, then it means a part of her brain does remember despite the time rewindings of Kaito. And it’s very important. She saw Akiho’s past when she was trapped inside Akiho’s book, but all of that was erased when Kaito rewound time. Well, not from her heart, however, because she hugged Akiho tightly while crying. So now what do we have here? A part of what she’s not supposed to remember. I think this vision is a twisted mix of horrifying things she saw previously, and indeed her natural reaction is to destroy in pieces what she’s seeing. Quite literally, since the two kanji for “Break” actually mean “Destruction”. Is this the card Kaito was looking for? I’m not sure. Because he said that “Rewind” went quite close to it, and I can’t make out any relation between “Break” and “Rewind”. I still have the impression the card he might want her to make has got more to do with “restoring” things to how they were before. So, if it’s instead Kaito the one who made her see those things, he might have wanted her to wish to bring everything as it was before. HE needed a strong reaction from her. But she made “Break” instead. Will it be ok for him so we can move on to the climax?

I have to admit I kinda loved the more creepy and nightmare-ish atmosphere of the last 10 pages. Sakura evidently has got something big going on, and it’s time she talks to Syaoran about this. It’s time she tells him fair and square what’s she’s seeing more and more often. It’s about him too, at this point. She can’t keep this a secret anymore, not when it’s eating her sanity and peace of mind away.

Next chapter is going to be published in the February issue, in stores on the last days of December if everything goes as usual (for New Year’s they always anticipate the release of that issue). So we have another unexpected break as I already said, and I kinda figured it when I saw CLAMP going on a trip 20 days ago. It’s ok, we can do this! If we’re approaching the climax, it make sense that they take vacation now, so afterwards they can work fully straight into the finale.

Thanks for reading this long rant, and I wait for your comments!

[smaxypouredthemilk]

November 12th 2019

These are things I wish someone would say to me right now:

Hey Bryn, how are you feeling today?

Uhh I don’t know.

You don’t know? Why don’t you give me some percentages?

hmmm 46% Sad, 32% Happy, and... how much is left... 12% Angry.

12% Angry... what are you angry about?

Well, at the moment I’m mostly angry at myself for not doing enough work today, and being so unable to control myself, for being out of control of my own life. 

What do you mean you’re out of control of your own life?

Well I’m just like drifting around right now, hanging on to mommy’s sleeve, it’s pathetic. Maybe I should have stayed back east...

Because you were more independent there?

Well... yeah I guess technically. Since I didn’t have parents around to take me to the mall on weekends and stuff. But now I just feel like I’m in an ambivalent haze, and I don’t really care what happens to me. I want to care, but I don’t.

What do you want to care about?

Like my future. I guess at some point I used to be excited about my future and have dreams and goals, but I don’t now. And it’s disappointing because I know my parents have big dreams for me, and that I have high potential to do whatever I want to, but I just have no desire to want? Like I wish that some of their dreams would rub off on me and I would start to care about where I’m headed. 

So right now it doesn’t matter to you what you do?

Yeah I guess, but it’s more like I just can’t see a future for myself. Whether it’s doing some wonderful purposeful thing I love, or being a homeless drug addict, both of these things seem just not real. The only real thing right now is the chugging machinery that takes me from class to room to home and back.

That sounds like a depressing reality. What do you think can change that mindset?

Ugh you sound like such a therapist. I doubt my ability to change my own mindset, despite what all those help books say. I’m sure some people can but no matter how I try there’s always some black seed making a bump in the white paper. Anyways, for my feelings about my future there are two things I can imagine the advice-givers of my life saying: Well you won’t know about your future until you go out and try some things that you want to do! Apply for some jobs, find something you like and give it a try! Be proactive!

It doesn’t sound like bad advice... and how would you respond to that?

Well, this person is probably right, but at the moment I can’t imagine getting any excitement out of life, even if it would bring happiness to some mask-like version of Bryn that I’ve created for the parent’s benefit. If you told me that this winter I’d be travelling to West Africa to educate and rehabilitate young bonobos, outwardly I’d be excited, but I think inside I wouldn’t really care. I’d be just as happy to stay home and watch Christmas movies. Of course I don’t know because that would never happen. So maybe this person is right and I should go looking for that golden bonobo job. Or maybe I’m just fundamentally tired to the point where mild anxiety is the closest I can get to elation.

I see. For the record, I don’t think you’re fundamentally damaged in any way, and I think if you wanted to get the golden bonobo job, you certainly could try. But you said there were two things people would say. What was the other?

Oh yeah. The other one was that someone like my grandma might say, oh you have lots of time to worry about your future, just enjoy where you are now and work on having fun at university. It’s no race to the finish.

I suppose that’s true too. What do you think?

Well I think this response is missing the point. It’s not that I’m worried about my future, it’s that I’m worried about not being worried about my future. If that makes sense. Or it’s less of a worry and more of a dull ache. Either way, it’s nice to have hopes and goals for your future. You want to feel good, or at least a bit riled up when you think about the things you want to do with your life. But I don’t. In fact the section of my brain devoted to future Bryn seems to be null and void. I suppose the only thing to do is in fact what that advice suggests, and make do in this foggy apathy for the time being. And work on getting out of it, or at least making it a bit more comfortable.

I understand. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so depressed lately, it must be truly sapping to feel so unhappy and apathetic about your life. But I know that this is temporary, and someday soon you’ll feel hopeful again. It’ll just take a bit of time and work. I love you so much, please take care of yourself tonight and have a good sleep. Sweet dreams.

[thepiecesofj]

The Gaslight Effect.

I don’t know when it started. I guess that’s the whole point of it. It starts out small. Something as small as the way you give a hug. Next thing I know, I’m trying to change the way I give a hug just to prove a point...that I’m not lame, I’m not awkward.

I’ve been reading up on gaslighting. In 2018, I started to have bouts of anxiety and depression. I tried talking to B about the anxiety and how it made me feel but all of a sudden he would turn the conversation about him. He said that’s how he feels everyday. And it made me feel like maybe I was being overly dramatic because I don’t have clinical depression that was diagnosed. I didn’t grow up in a “broken” home. I didn’t suffer like he did. I grew up in privilege. Perhaps I wasn’t feeling anxiety, perhaps it was all in my head. But that didn’t explain the random tears that would befall down my cheeks as I’m doing everyday activities like driving to and from work. It didn’t explain the burnouts. And it definitely didn’t explain the constant wanting to harm myself. I have a scar on my right wrist from pinching myself so hard one night. Though I don’t remember the reason why, I remember the feeling. I was anxious, he was talking, most likely yelling and I couldn’t take it. When he gets these moods, it just feels like it’s always my fault. And I started pinching myself so that the focus was on the pain and not on the emotional feelings. 2018 was the start of the demise of my soul. I’d try to make our relationship work and in the end I’d be disappointed whenever he’d flake on me at the last minute. When my grandma and uncle passed and he didn’t even show up to their funeral I pretty much gave up. 2018 should have been the year that I ended it. I had all the right reasons to end it. He’d forgotten our date that I was looking forward to and had been his suggestion. He didn’t show up to my grandma or uncle’s funeral. His main focus that year was to collect his toys and his toys only, it seemed. Nothing else mattered. But when I brought that up. When I brought up how disappointed I was, all he would say is, “You don’t follow up. I said yes to the date right? Then nothing happened. I didn’t hear anything from you. All you do is tell me you want to go on a date and you expect me to do the rest? I always have to do everything. Why don’t you do something for a change? It’s always me me me. The burden is always on me?” And I would sit there confused.

The date? I had signed up for ice skating lessons that gave me “practice hrs” and “companion passes” to use. The very first lesson I had, he wanted me to skip it because he wanted to go home. See, I was driving him to and from work that week because his car was having issues. That meant I was already going back and forth because I worked in Cypress (south west of his work) the ice skating was East (in the middle between my work and his work) and his work place is on the way home. So I backtracked. I went to pick him up, we had a quick dinner, and I made it to my ice skating lesson. He watched my lesson and said, it looked fun and that maybe he’ll join me next time after my lesson. I brought up the companion ticket and said we can make a date out of it since it’s been so long since we’ve had one. The next week, I planned it. I said we can get dinner at this place, ice skate, and then walk around the downtown area to the packing house for dessert. I was so excited. I went into work early the day of the date, so I can leave early and meet him at the restaurant since he was a little closer than I was. The whole day I checked in with him. I told him the plans and the time. And finally when I left work, I messaged him and said i was heading to the restaurant and will meet him there. When he called me afterwork, I told him i was running a little late because of traffic but would be there in 15 minutes to which he replied, “where?” And I said the restaurant. I sent you the location. All of a sudden he says, I went on the wrong side of the freeway and I’m too far to turn back and really just wanted to go to the weekly Frank & Sons tradeshow instead. My planned evening was tossed out and i couldn’t be mad because he said well do you really want me to go? If you do I’ll go. But I’m really far now and it’s out of the way. And in my head, all I could think of was, I had two choices. Let him go and just cry my eyes out, become emotionally numb, and then pretend nothing was bothering me and eventually, the pain would go away. Or tell him I wanted him to be here since I planned this date and time for us and have him come to me but in the baddest mood ever and then i still cry and feel bad. So I chose number 1. I told him it was fine and said I’d just go to the gym since I have 2 hours before class started. And I sat in the parking lot of the gym and cried my eyes out. That was 2018. Heartbreak

In 2019, something changed. There was a shift. I stopped caring. I just went through the motions. I started to feel apathetic. I didn’t care anymore about anything. I started to feel crazy. Sometimes, I would have moments where I would just check out. Most times, my mind would just be blank. I wouldn’t have thoughts. But 2019, I started fantasizing more about crushes I used to have on people I used to know. I started fantansizing about my old former self. I would start yearning for my old former self. I hated being around people and would just try my best to be alone. Driving through traffic was my haven. My car was my sanctuary. In March 2019, B forced me to have sex with him even though I told him multiple times that I wasn’t feeling well. In the end, I was somehow the one in the wrong because he loved me and wanted to be intimate with me and all I can think about was my arm hurting and my body in pain after running a full marathon. How selfish was I? To only think about myself and not realize the pain he had to endure while being aroused and not being able to satisfy the arousal. I was confused. That was 2019. Confusion.

It’s 2020 now. In March, we had 1 argument about sex. I had a very bad day at work and met B up in Temecula for a wedding (he was the best man). The whole drive there I contemplated back and forth. Should I tell him about work and how bad a mood I’m in and how I don’t really want to do anything tonight? Just want to sleep it off? Or should I not tell him and pretend I’m super happy and nothing is wrong and I just do what he wants which is sex and then I’ll be able to get the sleep I need. However, it was a new year and we had decided to change our ways. I had convinced myself that I was horrible at communicating so this time, I needed to verbalize the problems I’m facing. So I told him about work and what had happened and that I was not in the mood to do anything. All I wanted was to shower quickly and sleep. To which he agreed and he didn’t say anything. He was actually supportive. I went to take a bath and he joined in. Immediately after joining, he took my hand and placed it on his erect penis. I really didn’t want to have sex so I pulled away and told him I was going to rinse off and finish showering to get ready for bed. And that pissed him off. All of a sudden it was a argument about being unattractive to him and him feeling like i was some robot and I told him I really wasn’t in the mood. He could have waited one night. Just given me one night. All he kept saying was how important sex is and all I kept thinking about was how it’s the only thing we do. I’m sure he was trying to comfort himself by “comforting” me but that wasn’t the way I wanted to be comforted. If he was really concerned about me, about my day, he’d find a different approach that didn’t involve his needs. That’s how I feel about our relationship. It’s always about his needs. Even when it’s about me. It’s about him. I signed up for therapy the next Monday.

June is about to end soon. I signed for another round of therapy. I wanted to talk about myself the first time but all I could do was talk about him. This time though, it will be different. I’m reading The Gaslight Effect, and understanding it a little more. It’s time I take back control of my own perception of my reality.

-J

24 June 2020

[witchbitchpoetry-blog]

The Strangest Things About Depression

For me, the strangest part of my depression has been losing all knowledge of myself. Before this consumed me, I knew things. I could read myself, as well as  other people. I knew what I enjoyed, what I disliked, whom I trusted and liked in company, how I wanted to grow into my goals, how I would react to situations – whether good or bad. Now, I can’t tell you a single thing. Being in my body right now, living in my mind, feels like inhabiting memories of me. “You must still be the same person somewhere in there…?” But I can’t find her. I don’t know which version of me is real, and I do not know who I am anymore. I wonder how much of me is or has been copying what I thought was normal. What my peers did. What stereotypes expected of me. I know about false happiness, about pasting a smile right over my will to disappear, to become invisible. Sometimes I think that’s all I really want in this world anymore – to be invisible – to keep experiencing, but without feelings or attachments. An observer of the living realm, but a part of somewhere else.

My mind used to be my favorite haven. My imagination, creativity, logic, intelligence, and observation have created both a blissful world of dreams and a realm of consuming nightmares. The more I learn of the reality in this life, the less I feel any hope. Living in the middle of dreams is a way of life only if the prerogative is to remain disconnected. Living in the midst of reality is a way of life only if the prerogative is to become overwhelmed. There must be an in-between of reality and dreams. But how can this be achieved without consumption of the heart and mind? Where is the balance? 

I have never been one to take things lightly. I have yet to discover a way to participate without leaving my heart in the streets. Without absorbing all the problems and hurt. To feel deeply is both curse and blessing. I have no idea how to compartmentalize because everything is everything. How can I see mystery and not yearn to comprehend fully? How can I see pain and not feel it in my own soul? What are we here for if not to care for each other? And yet, there are days I cannot trust a single person on earth. Not that I don’t know people can be good (and mostly are) at heart. Not that I can’t feel my loved ones loving me and seeing me and caring for me. I am an optimist when it comes to the ability for compassion in a human soul. I would not survive if I did not believe in true and selfless community. But I think about my own brain – about how every day I choose to be good and careful and gentle, but I could easily choose to be a totally different way. What stops humans from being monsters? I can see multiplicity in everything. I bet most people society would consider evil wouldn’t think themselves so.

What do we justify, and how? Are we our actions, or our late night thoughts contending with the dark? Maybe it’s living with depression and anxiety for most of my conscious life, but I have the ability to make a person think most anything I want them to. Sometimes, this is used to feign “okay,” to appear chill when fire is rising or water is deep. I can easily observe “normal” behaviors exhibited by individuals and mimic these patterns and actions. It’s not hard to be an empty shell pretending to house soft life. For me, there is either empty or everything. There is either numb or pain. There is either fear or apathy. These shifts are seamless, so seamless I can’t tell what is coping, what is illness, and what is true. I want so badly to allow myself to be loved, but it’s hard when I see all the reasons no one ever could. I create conversations of what I fear someone will say to me about how horrible I am – all the things I don’t like about myself, or worry are irritating to others. How much can people stand of me before they just leave, especially since I often don’t even want to be with myself? Do my good qualities outweigh my feelings of inherent badness and shame? That’s the constant wonder, the battle at hand, the Jekyll and Hyde.

Depression makes me want to help others, if only to help prevent someone from feeling alone in this spiral. I know I make a difference and understand. But I get so lost. The second I feel kind of ok, my mind finds reasons to convince me I’m worthless. My fear says, “You can’t help anyone! You can’t even help your damn self!” All this weakness makes me forget I am strong, because usually I do not feel strong. A basic day is often nearly impossible to survive. The apathetic melancholy is so pervasive I cannot make it leave. It’s my default, probably a way to cope. When I feel, I feel so hard I can feel my ancestors breathing their stories down my spine. I feel nostalgia for things I have never experienced. I feel the world and everything connected and all the sadness and beauty, and I simply cannot hold it all, but there is nowhere else for it to go. I know I am a part of something so much bigger, but that often suffocates me into feeling very small.

I feel alone and know I am surrounded. I feel hated and know I am loved. This part really hurts, and sometimes I cry thinking of all the hostility I feel but know I do not deserve. The most hateful part of depression is that you can identify when something is a lie, but still be convinced it’s true. You can lose sleep while dreaming. You can see through problems and lies, but not think through them. You can be a genius and confused as hell. It pains me to know I feel so much constant hostility directed at me that I freeze around others. I shake and dig my nails into my palm to distract my mind from wondering what I’ve done to make others view me as so disappointing and loathsome. I think these things, but I also do not. I feel these things and they won’t go away, or they do go away and come back fresh, spiraling anew. I look around and see objects through a fog. Everything is outside of me and I can’t get to it – I can’t get out.

What is home and what is prison? How do you turn a cage into a sanctuary? It is very hard to remember that I am not my anxiety and depression. The main reason for this is that I do not know who I am without the disorders and the pain, so normalized from my perspective. My brain is wired in a way I am only now beginning to understand and acknowledge without shame. So who would I be if all this went quiet? Would I still feel this level of empathy and compassion? Would I become cold and detached, selfish and unconcerned? How much of apathy is depression, and how much is a coping mechanism for feeling too deeply? Am I good, or selfishly evil? Am I playing a game? What of this is real, and how does what is real coincide with what is only real to me? Am I a danger to others? Am I a danger to myself? Do people need me, want me, or just feel sorry for me? How can my mood change so often, disappearing my sense of self? Do I actually have goals, or do I just think I’m supposed to? How can I feel so isolated in a room of my best friends? Which will break the other first: the shadows or the light? Where and what are these looming towers causing darkness? Is it just me, distorted? Or something else from which I could step aside if I knew which way to go? See, that’s what I cannot find – the source of it all – the reason for the tower and the locks and whether it is brick or bone, empty or breathing. Is it a lookout, or captive’s curse? Is it a guiding light, or weapons arsenal? Is it ruins, or newly built? Will it hold up to the waves, or cave to the storm? Is it me, or is it everything else?            I do not know the origin of the wind, but I feel its changing blows. Even still, everything fades. I cannot tell if I am land or water. I cannot tell if I am asleep or awake. I cannot tell if I am body or ghost.

[secondsofhappiness]

I have 10 anons all commenting the same issues about this storyline (thank you so much for your messages as always) and I don’t want to clog up my dash so I’ll post them in one post and this is my response to them all :)

I’ve made it clear how I am really struggling with this storyline and I have seen so many excellent critiques written in such a balanced and constructive way and that’s the best way and I appreciate them so much.

In short, I don’t understand the purpose of what they’re trying to do. There is ZERO HOPE in this storyline (and that isn’t the Emmerdale I know and love) and it feels exploitative in more ways than one.

So I get exactly what many of you have said - there’s little to hold onto in terms of happiness. There is no part of this entire storyline (except perhaps that Vic is a sweet, perceptive and compassionate soul) so far that provides any hope. If anything, the more we learn, the more depressing and hopeless and entirely miserable it becomes…

- the purpose of this direction - what the show wants to achieve at the end of this - the show’s awareness of what they’re currently doing

I have EVERY respect for the show tackling difficult and contentious subjects and I have spent years and years applauding them for it and thoroughly enjoying it. They always do it well (with very few minor exceptions) because they weave the difficult stuff in with the lighthearted, never forget the village warmth and always provide hope even in the bleaker or darker storylines.

My earlier posts about this storyline were very positive because I have experience through my work with prison violence and homophobia in prisons and I think it’s a very important and worthwhile story to tell. I had no issue with Aaron going to prison and serving his punishment either as I felt it could be a way for him to grow up and realise the consequences to his volatility.

That said, the homophobia aspects were difficult and tough to swallow but were well done… until they included G*rdon and the childhood abuse issues. That is no longer a story about homophobia in prisons. Yes, the fact that G*rdon as a man is relevant so perhaps due to G*rdon’s actions, Jason instantly targeted him but that’s not about someone being gay, it’s about someone being a sexual assaulter etc. The homophobic language and singling out is continuing which is a good example of the near constant oppression prisoners face. That could have and would have been enough of an issue to explore.

I have talked about how I find this situation twisted and I mean it sincerely. It’s the first time in 22 years that I have ever felt uneasy watching this show.

That’s not a good thing.

I have reached a point after tonight’s episode where I have almost become a little apathetic. That’s not like me at all and not like my normal reaction to the show, especially not to these two characters.

The direction of the storyline feels sensationalised for shock value and unnecessarily capitalising on an actor who can sell any scene/storyline. Use Danny! Have him on our screens always! He’s a truly wonderful actor but Aaron is a character to focus on, to nurture, to respect. He is a character people took into their hearts from day one and it feels he has been forgotten in this, his history used as a tool to create drama and shock.

I wanted to watch the show deal with the difficulties of prison life in an Emmerdale way. I wanted them to raise the issues, to show their seriousness, to have Aaron realise that he has to grow up because this life in prison could be a constant reality for someone who doesn’t take responsibility for their actions, for Rob and Liv’s relationship to be tested but strengthened, for Rob and Aaron’s relationship to undergo the same test…

That could all be achieved without half of the issues this storyline is dealing with.

The timing of it is perhaps something the show didn’t necessarily want but had to live with due to Lucy and Isabel’s commitments but the timing wasn’t so much of an issue as the story of two people in love being torn apart is a classic one, a one everyone can get on board with because it’s tragic but full of longing and desperation. People enjoy that and I would have. So I don’t mind that its post-wedding.

What I do mind is the inclusion of issue after issues after issue that so far don’t seem to be serving a purpose. Aaron can realise the harsh brutalities of prison life in many ways but the show chose to capitalise on his abuse when omitting it would have made NO DIFFERENCE to this storyline at all. Taking out the scenes yesterday would have no effect at all. The homophobic taunting and abuse and even violence would have been enough to tip Aaron over the edge to feeling desperate but no, the show chose to reawaken the abuse storyline, to have Aaron tortured, to use phrases that suggests a recreation of abuse scenes, to comment on a survivor’s ‘want’ in terms of their abuse, to suggest the abuser caused the abuse, to place them in an environment where their abuser/father committed suicide, to take an abuse survivor back to feeling those situations, all while contorted in an abusive way by the person who confessed to driving the abuser to taking his own life.

The purpose of that is unclear and I struggle to see how a valid purpose can be provided other than it was for shock value.

Aaron faced with homophobic abuse and violence and even drug use (which I also don’t have a problem with on the surface - except for a lack of inclusion of Adam/ recognition of Holly but the show may use this later) would have been enough to have him leave prison rocked to act and to grow and to seek help. To take an abuser back to his abuse in such a violent, graphic and consistent way is something most wouldn’t get over nevermind someone of Aaron’s significantly fragile mental health.

I was genuinely disappointed in the show and I can remember maybe two occasions in the past where I have even felt a fraction of that and neither came close to how I feel about this current storyline.

Add in the Rob of it all. Now, Rob is someone with a chequered past, someone who has never carried a relationship without cheating. He has a history that would make anyone uneasy about dating him, let’s be real. He has also travelled a path of learning and change and love. He has found family and home and has worked hard to better himself. When you take a character on a path like that you can never expect perfection. We all enjoy Rob being Mr Shifty and appreciate his morally grey moments (as long as we don’t turn him into a serial killer) which is why I didn’t have too many issues with the November kiss or the hat trick comment etc, all of those moments were moments in his path to find himself and were explained in a way that made that obvious aka November kiss was Rob using Rebecca blatantly but coming to realise he cannot act the same way as he used to when scheming now that he has Aaron and commitment.

I appreciate that Rob will make mistakes and I love that about him. I never expect him to be perfect or to be an angel and I hope they never remove that harsh, acid tongued, snobby, ruthless, slightly insensitive edge from him. That said, the spoilers indicate that he makes a pass at Rebecca (and I’m not getting into the debate about what is cheating and what isn’t or even what the spoilers are suggesting because I feel intentionally trying to kiss someone is cheating and who knows what the spoilers are suggesting). Why is this necessary?

What does it add?

Except to squash the excellent bi rep conversation they have sprinkled in here and there (and see my other posts for my comments on using Rob as a voice for bisexuality because that has its own issues) or to regress Robert from his current position.

To date, Robert’s journey is the best thing about this storyline. He has shown commitment, awareness of Aaron’s feelings (planing a commitment ceremony pre- prison to provide stability, allowing Paddy to visit in his place to keep up Aaron’s spirits etc), humanity and to see him miss another person to the extent that he can’t sleep the same and is worried and stressed and pulling himself in every direction is so new and interesting for the character. To see him descend a little into this hole he has to drag himself out of is a great storyline. It’s long overdue for Rob to be treated with sensitivity and humanity where his emotions are concerned and it’s refreshing.

We don’t need a cheating storyline to depict Rob’s state of mind or his deepening sadness or stress. They’re piling it on each episode - finding out about drugs & violence, caring for a difficult suffering teenager, caring for a kid who isn’t his, running 2 businesses, refurbishing a house, dealing with vandals, working alongside legal rep on an appeal, coping without his partner, feeling helpless to support his partner… the list is endless and significant.

What does cheating (or attempted cheating, whichever you prefer) achieve?

It is sensationalising and used for shock value. Pattern?

Much like the addition of the abuse storyline, it adds nothing. In fact, much like the abuse storyline being included, it makes the post- prison era darker and less hopeful. It confirms Aaron’s worries about Robert’s commitment when this was the foundation for his stress and melt down pre- assault. That feels cruel and unnecessary with the requirement that it has to be handled at some point and that will provide a significant blow to the already fragile relationship - because they haven’t healed from their last argument, they have merely focused on the good pre-court. Ultimately, it adds a significant responsibility onto the show to handle it well because by failing to deal with these two issues cheapens their most beloved couple, cheapens the characters development (both Rob’s personal development and Aaron’s semi pride and surety post trial)…

If the show has a good intention then it is not obvious and I struggle to see the justifications for the choices they’re making. I adore this show. I love it dearly but I feel less and less enthusiastic about the current content for this storyline because it’s far too much, it is no longer enjoyable because I can’t see the wood for the trees and for a storyline that could have been wonderfully character driven and could highlight the issues in a hard hitting it sensitive manner has chosen crassness, cheap drama and has risked excellent work that has come before.

I am well aware I’m watching a serial drama. I’m well aware that I am watching a medium that thrives on drama. But I know my show and I have watched it most of my life and I know what it is capable of and what it does best and this is not it. You only have to watch the sheer stunning beauty and heart ache of Ashley’s dementia storyline to see how you handle something sensitive but serious in a way that honours the characters, the issue and the show itself. I’m just sad that this storyline could not have been handled in a similar way to achieve the same resonance.

[renaroo]

Wednesday Roundup

We have an interesting week! Not the least of which because of Saga’s newest volume release which I have been highly anticipating for months. There’s a lot of storylines beginning, ending, and everything in between this week, and we’ve got a spread between DC, Marvel and Indie. So let’s see how it plays out!

Marvel’s Amazing Spider-Man: Renew Your Vows, DC’s Detective Comics, Image’s Saga, DC’s Titans, DC’s Wonder Woman 

Marvel’s Amazing Spider-Man: Renew You Vows (2016- ) #6 Gerry Conway, Ryan Stegman, Jesus Aburtov

We’ve officially gone into territories that I honestly hadn’t expected for this series to take, that being the confirmation as of this issue that this is a parallel universe where the Superhero Registration Act and Civil War never happened. But... oddly enough it seems to also be a world where Conway is happily ignoring Slott’s miniseries that started Renew Your Vows because the X-Men, including ones we very much saw were dead in the mini, are well and alive and running the Xavier institute just fine. 

And just to add to weirdness, everyone’s in their 90s uniforms but Jean is married to Logan and they have an adorable daughter. How’s that supposed to work with my perception of reality? I have absolutely no idea, but Annie gets a possible future friend in little baby mutant so I think I can consider myself happy. 

It’s interesting to see Gerry Conway, who in many ways as I revisit the various comics of the past (as you may have noticed through my liveblogging here) really is fundamental for me personally in how I perceive Peter, MJ, and their relationship, is writing the first book I’ve been able to read in a long time that feels like them. And it’s not perfect marital bliss -- there’s conflict, opposition, and a sense of flaws that both of them bring to the table. 

Basically all the things that Slott and co. whined and bemoaned were gone simply because Peter and MJ tied the knot. y’know. Thirty years ago. 

Still enjoying the book, but I’m extra curious/worried where our cliffhanger leaves us. Also wow, poor Beast.

DC’s Detective Comics (2016- ) #954 James Tynion IV, Marcio Takara, Marcelo Maiolo

*long heralding sigh and a wistful look into the distance*

We’re smack in the middle of this storyline and I’m sure there’s a lot of things that will be better once it’s fully played out, but I’m running out of ways to defend Tynion’s run on ‘Tec. Mostly because for all the frustration that I have with people being way too critical of this run -- which there more than has been -- I’m getting less and less out of Tynion’s work that fills me with the joy and exuberance that helps me want to defend his comics to begin with.

Probably because I have always said his pacing is awful, his reveals have almost no setup, he repeatedly robs us of emotional catharsis, his views of morality are about as black-and-white as someone can get out of a high school creative writing class, and just structurally I’ve never enjoyed his arcs. 

What I do like from Tynion and have defended again and again is his understanding of the main team’s characters. The Belfry team, as written by him, have so many amazing character moments that they far outshine his stories and villains time and time again. He understands why people love these characters and he wants to share why he loves them, and that enthusiasm has repeatedly been a saving grace on issues that had everything else working against them during his run.

Soooooo This issue is completely devoid of those good things. Because our only goodguy left standing is Bruce. I continue to be... less than apathetic toward the Colony and the assassination of Jacob Kane’s character, or Ulysseus’ gamer-brat return. Bruce continues to be an IDIOT about this League of Shadows thing to the point that my brain breaks trying to figure out why in Detective Comics it seems like the World’s Greatest Detective can’t get a clue. And it all just blehhhhssss toward the middle. 

Now for the controversy. Because god forbid we not have controversy every week ‘Tec comes out. Cass’ reentry in the last two pages is awesome for the first page and stupid on the giant splash page. yes, she’s going to be the one to take down the League of Shadows, and she’ll probably FINALLY get to say one of her famous lines herself for once (IMAGINE). but Tynion or Takara one dropped the ball on that last page by having Cass holding bloody katanas and make it look like she had actually killed Shiva’s ninjas. If this was a mistake, DC is... itself again and we’ll have to ignore it. If it’s meant to make us doubt Cass and that she’s taken Shiva’s words to heart it’s a cheap cliffhanger and we know better. If if if, doesn’t matter, it’s not what it seems and it annoys me.

I was annoyed by this issue and outside of Takara’s continued excellent work in the art department this is going to be lost in the overall storyline of this arc like every single other middle issue Tynion has written for this run. Nothing was gained for this experience. 

Well, it gave me the energy to rant. And I know that’s what some of you come to this blog for, so it gave you that much. 

Image’s Saga (2012- ) Volume 7 Brian K. Vaughn, Fiona Staples

Few comics hit the milestones and accolades which Saga have without stumbling across bumps in the path, and that goes nearly triple when it comes to pushing the envelope with themes of interracial relationships, multiethnic found families, clashing cultures, war, sexual politics, and discussions of sexuality and gender all at once. 

But somehow, amazingly, Saga not only continues to maintain this path and always manages to find new and impressive ways to surprise me -- someone who I’d consider to be a pretty hardened veteran of nearly all forms of storytelling in comics at this point -- but it manages to make each punch still feel like a direct hit to my gut. 

There is so much anguish in the trials of our space opera family for this adventure, so much loss that it’s hard to pin down what hit me harder -- the loss of a long time friend, the sanity of a former dignitary, the home of a beloved survivor, the respect of a former mentor, or -- as Hazel herself so eloquently put it in the last pages of this volume -- the loss of things that never were, the missing energy of what could have been. 

There’s a lot throughout this, and as always Saga delivers. We continue to have one of the most badass trans women I’ve seen in comics to date, the fall from grace of Marko’s professed pacifism, and the fear of Sophie’s inevitable manipulations at the hand of The Will, something that will break my heart a thousand times more. 

Fiona Staples’ art is next level comic storytelling, but I also need to emphasize just what a fantastic writer Brian K. Vaughn truly is. As someone very aware and concerned about portrayal and voices of women in comics, I have to say that Vaughn is up there with Rucka as some of the few male writers that write female characters in a way that truly speak to me on a fundamental level.

DC’s Titans (2016- ) #10 Dan Abnett, Brett Booth, Norm Rapmund, Andrew Dalhouse

Our fight with the Fearsom Five comes to quite the stunning end, really utilizing all of our characters and their strengths as well as their weaknesses. But what really captured my attention here was just how well the comic did when it came to showing off how truly formidable the Five were, with maybe only Gizmo not getting a real moment to shine out of the entire lot. 

The Titans were believably taken down, but not without showing off their prowess first and foremost, an that’s really all I ask for in a story where our heroes ultimately don’t win -- that their strengths are still on display and it’s believable how the battles’ outcome got to where it was. 

Perhaps our Seventh Ranger’s late entry with Bumblebee really showing off her powers and surprising us all does seem like a cheap way to end a battle the Titans mostly lost, but I think that was softened by showing that, in return, Karen has lost something that we have spent many issues building up as being highly important to her: her family and the memories and love she holds for them. 

That plus the reintroduction of H.I.V.E. and Deathstroke has me very curious about just how the “Lazarus Contract” is going to play out here, especially with its title’s obvious signifiers. 

Very good issue through and through, really enjoyable.

DC’s Wonder Woman (2016- ) #20  Greg Rucka, Bilquis Evely, Romulo Fajardo Jr. 

I have been incredibly curious to see what is Veronica Cale’s motivations in all of this and why she wants to get to Themyscira so badly, and it seems as though our past and present storylines have finally come to a head, proving my suspicions correct that the two Doberman that Cale has with her are the twins -- though I thought they were common disguise and not binding of them thanks to a revamp of Circe.

Now, of course, if you follow me long enough to know my Wondy opinions, you know that Circe is by far my favorite villain in Diana’s rogues gallery, and so I have been very excited about her turn to come into Rucka’s reimagining. And it didn’t disappoint, I rather like her modern redux. 

And in all honesty, Rucka’s second time around with Veronica Cale has been delightful to see take form -- moving her motivations to something more powerful and more relatable than “women be jealous of other successful women” is just so much more engaging. There’s definitely been a lot learned since his last run of Wonder Woman and I appreciate it.

The art continues to be just beautiful for the past storylines, I mean beyond gorgeous and so colorful. Which just makes me dread the upcoming more dour, dark, and all around depressing take on the present. 

And if that isn’t a culmination of my feelings about comic trends in general I don’t know what is. 

If I didn’t think it’d be entirely unfair, I’d easily give this week to Saga which just continues to impress and amaze me every volume, but as I read it by volume rather than by monthlies, that seems completely unfair. 

Usually my weeks are difficult because there’s more than a few standouts but this week I didn’t really have anything that really stuck out to me. But, ultimately I’m going to give my pick of the week to Wonder Woman. Rucka’s past storylines are just a joy over and over again. 

[therisingwitch-blog]

What have I become?

I used to be way cuter than this. I mean, not all the time. But I think in general I was a pretty happy, bubbly, and optimistic person. The girl I am now kinda sucks… Or is this just my depression personality? The whole “I don’t care” attitude didn’t really start until after I decided to keep living two months ago. I guess my body still thinks I’m dead, and my head doesn’t know what to do. I’m a literal zombie or some kind of ghost who can’t move on. Maybe part of me did die that day. I guess I just wanted to be someone who couldn’t feel pain, “if I don’t care about anything, nothing can hurt me” was the tune that was probably playing in the back of my head. If I’m angry, I can’t feel sadness and If I’m apathetic nothing will disappoint me. Maybe I took it too far.

What I desperately wanted was freedom from my life. I wanted to escape, but freedom can’t come from death or apathy… what I’m basically doing is running away from my life and my problems. I might as well be dead. You can only run from yourself for so long.

You can’t fight while you’re numb

Okay so you know how I established that soul eater was one big anime metaphor for mental health? I can’t help but think of that one scene where maka turned into a scythe and fought the kishin while she was unconscious. She was effectively kicking his ass for a good minute until the kishin told her something really interesting… he said something like “you can’t fight me while your mind sleeps”. Maka fought while unconsciousness as a reflex that made it impossible to feel pain or fear. But she didn’t win the battle that way, ashura dragged her back to reality. A reality where she was badly injured and had nothing left. The fight was as good as done.

But then something amazing happened. Maka said that everything would be fine and she didn’t just say it, she believed it. Her courage to face the fear and pain head on was what won the battle.

That’s what I’ve been running from.

I didn’t tell anyone that I was planning to die this year. For the first time in a while I felt happiness, because I wouldn’t have be in constant pain everyday. But pain is natural isn’t it? They say the cure for the pain is in the pain. The only way to get through it is just to face it and feel it. I don’t know how it happens, but eventually the pain becomes less and less until it doesn’t bother you as much. It might not disappear forever, memories bring up old feelings that never seem to die. But, it won’t be your life anymore. You won’t have to live in pain.

I don’t have to live in pain

I don’t care if the entire world is against me, I’m going to be happy despite what’s happening around me. From now on I’m going to live without all this fear and pain in my heart. Vengeance and apathy is a weak woman’s game.

05|12|18

[ayusaurus]

In the past almost 2 months since I started going to therapy, we have mainly been dissecting things that have been issues in my life. A lot of those have been relationships, but tonight was the first night we really sat down to address a big root of a lot of problems I’ve had. 

I knew I’ve been self conscious for most of this last year. I’ve also had an extreme amount of guilt. I’ve also been struggling with depression and anxiety. I’d promise to do things/get better/ make more of an effort, but when it came down to do those things, I just mentally didn’t have the energy to along with just feeling like I was wasting people’s times because why would they want to give me another chance when I bailed on them? It sucked so hard because I hated letting people down. I hated it. It was always a cycle of wanting to genuinely please the people around me but not being able to take a step back for myself. The whole entire time I was apathetic, I had absolutely no energy even to focus on myself even though I’d try to reassure people that I was just to get them to not worry as much. I couldn’t tell people my problems, Couldn’t even tell my closest friend or boyfriend because I felt like I owed them me being a better version of myself and the Ayu they were used to. I got to a point where for a while, in my darkest parts, I legitimately considered cutting myself again and just hoped, everyday, that maybe something would happen because I didn’t want to end my own life myself. One night, during the darkest part of my depression (Oct-April) was extremely bad and I just remember laying in bed with the same thoughts I did in High school when I did cut myself of “If I just cut myself enough, all the parts I hate about myself might actually leave me.”  The fallacy in that is that I utterly hated myself. I hated that I couldn’t get a job. I hated that I was (at the time,) 28 and depressed, I hated that I couldn’t handle it, I hated how I looked, I absolutely just felt like a disappointment and wondered why people still even wanted me in their lives. So, if I did, I’d probably wind up with a cut I couldn’t come back from. (But I digress and I apologize for that, I know it’s a bit personal, but It’s really therapeutic and cathartic to write about.) So tonight, after having a couple weeks of introspection, I told my therapist that all my life, I’ve struggled with self confidence. I faked it well enough that I could get by, but underneath everything, my drive in getting to know people involved getting to know what they were interested in so I could find a way to connect because otherwise, I felt like, no one would be interested in me. Like I had no redeeming qualities in myself that people would want to be friends with me. So, I did what I could to mold myself so that I became a more appealing person. Oh, they like this? Well lemme just check it out and get interested so I can have a conversation with them long enough that maybe they won’t ask me about myself so they don’t see how boring I am or how I have troubles forming friendships with people. I’d do everything in my power to try and please others so that maybe, just maybe, I could find friends that I could wind up being able to let down my guard just a bit and hope they might not be pushed away by how boring or worthless I felt myself to be. I was nice because it was the right thing to do, I was friendly. I just wanted to be friends more than anything with people I befriended. But I also forgot to look after myself. I’d spend so much time making myself available for other people that when I had nothing left to give, it had become so hard to keep up.  That’s not to say I didn’t have genuine conversations or interactions about things. I loved/ still love Sheipos. Still love Graph and talking about it and coming up with AUs. Loved talking about OW with friends. I loved talking about other people and things my friends were/are doing in their lives. but anything internally about myself was off the table. Right now, in the last few weeks, I’ve made more discoveries about myself and have given myself permission to focus on the change I’ve been needing to make as an individual. I’ve been scared, I think to do that before because I was worried about losing people around me. But in the process of my prolonged mental breakdown/depression/anxiety I did that myself by pushing people away and out for fear of hurting them or having them see me as a burden. Reality was is that it still hurt them, but I was too afraid to let people in. I’m still scared to let people in. I’ve always been scared due to trauma I suffered as a child but never learned how to cope with it and work past it as an adult. I never learned how to deal with my feelings of guilt, worthlesness, and self confidence. I never learned how to deal with my feelings driving my actions and that if I did something wrong in a relationship or friendship that they were going to leave me or “punish” me.  I think the thing that scares me the most about all of this is that I know I’ve got a lot of change to make in myself, and by the time I’m done changing that I’ll be a different person. I know it’s a good thing. But it scares m to wonder if I’m going to lose more friends and if I’m going to lose my boyfriend because of the changes I’m making as a person. I’m also immensely scared of falling back into this version of myself and repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again because of how deeply rooted my feelings of self worth lie. I’m afraid to be seen as a burden. I’m afraid of the unknown in the path of change.  I want to be a stronger person, one who believes in myself and my abilities and one who is capable of doing everything I set my mind  and following through without fear holding me back. I want to be a genuine friend who’s motivations aren’t driven by fear or guilt or low self confidence. I want to be the me that I can look back at my old self and say “You’ve survived, I’m sorry it took me so long to get us here, but you are here and you are a wonderful person.”  But right now that person is not me, but one day it will be.  To my future self,  Please do everything you can to avoid coming back to this place in your life. Please don’t be afraid to open up to people. Please don’t let your fear hold you back. I know you’ll be okay, come what may. You’ve been through so much shit in your life that now, it’s your turn to look after you. It’s your turn to be the one to allow yourself to be selfish and grow strong so that you can put your emotions on the front burner. You deserve this. You deserve to not hate yourself. You deserve to not feel afraid to express your emotions. You deserve to express your emotions. You deserve as much kindness to yourself as you’ve shown others. You deserve to love yourself and not have to beat yourself down. You deserve to be proud of yourself. You deserve to be happy.