#i want to drive in a car and cry now
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The first two eps of The Summer I Turned Pretty s2 are so.... Good?
Like... Sadness is such a beautiful, raw emotion and those eps portrayed that emotion so perfectly. With Belly going on about her day and something, anything, reminds her of a specific moment in the past and she pauses because she has a flashback to that moment and she is reminded of how sad she is.
It comes at you in waves, and completely at random and it's just so well portrayed.
#it definitely romanticizes sadness to the point where i want to listen to my sad song playlist and weep for no reason#i want to drive in a car and cry now#something about being sad is in a way so beautiful and so reL#anyway#the summer i turned pretty#lynnette's thoughts
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there is a very specific image in my head of early-mid 20’s iwaizumi hajime
#iwaizumi x reader#and he’s the guy taking on an internship in his senior year with minimum load for his classes#bc he’s planned it all out since starting college#you see him in parties because he has the time & he works so hard it’s only right he plays hard too#every time you lock eyes he gives you a small smile#there’s an air about him that isn’t cocky but isn’t too shy; a comfort that settles into his skin like he’s sure of who he is#—of what he wants & it definitely isn’t hauling up his drunk friends and a few acquaintances up his car#but some of them are your friends and you’re helping him so maybe it isn’t so bad#he drops you off with your roommate and you rarely see him after#until you spot him at some bar (again) and he’s wearing a tight fitting polo (it’s his uniform you later notice)#it’s a year or two after your graduation and when you lock eyes across the room there’s something so familiar yet wholly different#he’s confident now & maybe a little flirty too when he tells you he’s working as an assistant to shadow one of his mentors#you catch up for the rest of the night and your friends have long since gone ahead#he still knows what he wants and it’s to bring you home—not that way (not yet); you’re a little suspicious because#you know there’s /something/ but he drives you home like a gentleman. without really trying anything (and maybe part of you wishes he did)#it’s iwaizumi though and he knows what he wants—to ask you out properly (one he’s been thinking about since chance encounters in uni)#and he’s hoping that when he asks you can tell just how much he likes you#hajime#i want him so bad im crying#there is a whole workd of backstory to this but i got lazy typing it#shotorus.bubble
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So I've mentioned before that my irl friend and my partner got me to watch HoTD, but since we got caught up to the season finale of that we're now watching GOT.
So during a Littlefinger & Varys scene one of them mentioned how the two of them could both just absolutely kick Larys' ass as whisper masters and just now all I can picture is Larys just fucking full on snot crying after they've been bullying him at like 1/10th of their power for one (1) day and he's just like "Alicent can you come pick me up? I'm scared."
#idk if he'd be writing a raven letter or just somehow magically have a telephone#but either way it's just so fucking hilarious to picture omfg#and for whatever reason I'm picturing that she has to like drive out in the middle of the night to come get him like a kid at a sleepover#either in a carriage or a car whichever (or get one of her kids to dragonmobile her out there)#and the ride back home is just dead silent and whenever she goes to ask him he's just like “I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT”#and starts back crying#look and I LIKE Larys a lot but this was just too fucking perfect omFg#shitpost#mom come pick me up i'm scared#got#game of thrones#house of the dragon#HoTD#littlefinger#varys#larys#larys strong#alicent hightower#hotd alicent#hotd larys#got varys#got littlefinger#my friend has gotten me watching game of thrones and now it's other people's problem
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#currently on the worst road trip of my whole entire life! well. i don't want to jinx it lmao but#today i popped TWO TIRES at once in the middle of the Katy Freeway in Houston TX (the widest highway in the US; 26 lanes btw)#managed to make it over to the shoulder without DYING but then had to sit there for like an hour? and panic called a tow truck because duh#I know how to change a tire but I was – again – sitting on the shoulder of the widest freeway on the continent so#anyway I called a tow; a guy showed up. I assumed it was the tow! turned out it was not. but he helped me put on the spare and then was lik#“follow me to my shop I can do the tires for you” and I was like okay! 👍 but then the ACTUAL tow called me and I realized this was#just a random guy (very nice up to that point but then I got scared about following him to a secondary location?) and so I didn't lmao#I just kept driving and didn't follow him but the guy on the phone was then mad at me because I wasn't where I said I would be because#AGAIN – I thought the original guy WAS the tow company that I called? but anyway guy 2 on the phone was like “YOU OWE ME $200!!!!”#and I said for what? also how would I pay you? and he tried to get me to cash app him lmao?? I didn't. I hung up on him#he called me like 6 more times yelling at me until I finally just blocked his number 💀#however NOW at this point I'm driving on one spare tire and one rapidly-flattening second tire and I still have 3 hours left to get where#I was going for the night and to top it all off I'm in the middle of a city I've only been to one time before? so I manage to get to a hote#like a nice-ish one where I'm like “okay if I get stuck here this won't be the end of the world”#because keep in mind today is a national holiday so basically everything is closed!!!! btw!!!!!#but eventually I'm sitting there and it's literally 100F outside and I remember oh right lol I have car insurance which pays for a tow#(a normal one; not a random one I panic-found on google who calls me screaming at me to cash app him $200)#so anyway I call my insurance and the guy on the phone is very nice and is like “it's okay; we'll have someone to you in 45 min”#and I'm like okay. OKAY. 🙌💪 I am a strong independent woman who is figuring this out and no longer on the side of the highway#but instead in a nice calm neighborhood and all I have to do is wait 45 min and everything will be okay#one hour goes by. I call back. get redirected to the tow company that was dispatched. guy says oh! is my guy not there yet?#I say no. he says okay – I'll have him call you. hangs up.#okay. 20 more min go by. guy finally calls me. says “I'm 20-25 min away” at this point I've been waiting about an hour and a half#I say. okay? okay. 30 more minutes go by. I try to call the guy back. straight to voicemail. three more calls. three more no answers.#I call my insurance back. sit on hold for 15 min. eventually get put through to a different person who's like “okay let me check on him”#get put on hold. eventually she comes back and says “okay he says 15 minutes” I've been waiting over 2 hours at this point. I have to PEE#I just... burst into tears. on the phone with this poor random woman from Geico Insurance. I'm bawling my eyes out.#she was trying to get claim info from me but I'm crying so hard she's like “oh baby no. okay. okay. we can get that from you tomorrow.”#when you cry so hard that even the insurance company is like “you know what we're just going to let this one slide”#anyway guy eventually shows up. he's very nice even though I hate him a little for being so late. he drives me to an OPEN TIRE SHOP
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i don't wanna take over the world, it sounds like a lot. but you know, laying siege to a golf course sounds really nice sometimes
#just me hi#i'm giggling thinking about it hfbvhs#you can use the sandbanks for cover and if you plan far enough ahead you can start farming around those little ponds#and you can steal golf balls :D and use them as currency ?? or just collect them :3#and you could use the tennis ball guns to shoot the balls at people of course!! and you're supplied with sticks when you get there !! free#weaponry !! :D#and if you can hold out for long enough you could start planting rose and blackberry bushes in places they wouldn't look#why? bc roses Always Come Back#and blackberries will take a minute but who can get mad at a blackberry bush !! nature's surprise :D#oh and of course you could have a noble steed too (golf cart) !! :DD#and you could make the building a castle#and make a little gnome town in the fields once the battle is over#OH you could build a miniature golf in and around the town too :D for the funsies#/places are very cool i like places#could some be used better? oh yea for sure#i have dreams for abandoned malls hfvbs - some of my favorite places ever#that's one big odd thing i want. to have a mall to live in hfhs :3#is it a lot of space ? ye. but it's also SOO much space.. the possibilities !!#//anyway i Need to go for a walk in a city sometime soon lol#i miss the riverwalk aaa#GASP campus martius during the winter. my dearest#i didn't realize the threshold for being a city was so low lmao ?? like man these are just big towns what is this hfvbsh#//but aside from the city pining MAN#i got to drive earlier today ('got to' they put me in the seat and it wasn't very fun hfvbshf) and oooohhh#you know that feeling on a roadtrip when it's all worth it for just a little while.maybe when you broke over the top of a hill or looked up#from whatever you were doing to find a storm ahead and the rear lights of the cars seemed to blink in agreement with how gorgeous it all is#just that hfbsh :3#i like places a lot. sobs [<- crying candy hearts]#//okey i'm goin to go do my somethings now hfvhs :3 :D#music and caffeine are SO good ehehhehghhg [slinkies away so fast]
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ugh. my father insists on telling the family group chat whenever i take a lil half-step towards being a functional adult. "oh, ella is learning how to drive in the snow! also, did you know that shes taking a class to become a pharmacy technician?" dad im 25. your next youngest daughter is starting a master's program. shut the fuck up, not everyone needs to know i couldnt drive in the snow until now
#PLEASE just forget i exist#ill let you know if i ever become a homeowner and therefore 1/4th as successful as everyone else#not infrequently i look at my peers and remember that autism is actually. like. a significant disability#and that the vast majority of people diagnosed with autism are unemployed#and it. uh. doesnt make me feel better about myself#it used to be a 'hey. compared to your real peers you arent lagging behind at all!'#but now its 'you are statistically unlikely to ever pull yourself out of this rut and into a position where you feel#comfortable asking for the love you want and nearly all of your friends have had'#its at least partially the meds but i feel aggressively nauseous#immediately after posting this i entered the crying and throwing up and acting visibly hysterical in front of others#*phase. the phase of screaming crying throwing up. not screaming yet but ive got a drive coming up and i plan on#screaming in the car
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#currently crying in my car bc i got invited last night to a group thing to watch the debate but im kinda new to the friemd group and no one#has told me anything about when and where theyre meeting and both of the people i texted read my message and didnt respond and its been over#10 minutes and now im having the very autistic anxiety spiral that my friends dont actually like me theyve just been waiting for me to take#the hint about it and idk i might just go home ive been sitting on campus bc im a commuter and i knew it was happening in this city so i#decided to drive up here but i really feel like im not wanted at the moment and thats okay not everybody has to wanna be my friend but i#wish theyd communicate one way or the other
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A reminder that, although Will Graham is horrified by the imaginings of his mind, at the way he seemingly, so effortlessly reconstructs crime scenes (it’s always the husband, no, not this time, the blood spatter indicates that…the evidence suggests…but here is what I see…) within his head space, he is not innocent.
He has a penchant for manipulation, he prefers solitude, and, he is capable of withholding pertinent information from people in a position of power and being comfortable with keeping secrets. He also did, in canon, beat a man to death with his hands, he is completely competent to do all of those things and be perfectly comfortable with it.
He fears what he can do, but he also revels in it in the same breath. Sometimes, he is the quiet man in his house with his dogs, but other times, if you squint, sometimes he is walking through the mist, wanting to fall into some form of primordial justice.
He is: a good person, an intense animal lover, a reader, standoffish, socially avoidant. But, he is not blind to his own becoming and when that time comes, the mask if off, there will be no Will Graham with glasses, in its place will be something else, something other, something that will take the fear and stoicism from his eyes, and in its place, there will be understanding of self, and, a relinquishing of self in return.
#META.#(not a formatted post just something I wanted to post!)#(hello new followers you’re so beautiful)#(let me drive home and cry about will graham in my car now)#(my son…my beautiful darkly enchanted son who was carved from the bones of a great hound)#(he is both a solitary creature and one who aches to be with someone)#(he fascinates me my little beautiful grey smeared enigma…)#(will I ever stop writing prose about him? never.)
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I hate the doctors I don't ever want to go ever <- person with so many medical issues
#i have a doctor's appointment in like a day and a half#and i am dreading it so fucking much#not even because the appointments going to be bad!!! it shouldn't be!!!#it should be a basic 'i go in‚ the doctor tells me what medication i need‚ i go get the medication' visit that's IT!!!#at least that's what it should be!!#but ough. the drive. cars are very‚ very‚ very rough on me. they make me feel like I'm gonna die. like‚ physically.#something about the shakiness and the fast motion just makes all my organs crumple up and strangle themselves on each other and it hurts#so like. by the time i actually GET to the doctor's i know I'm gonna be curled up in a ball crying and barely able to walk#just from GETTING TO THE DOCTORS to try to FIX THE ORGAN ISSUES that they CAN'T FIGURE OUT right now#honestly just fucking kill me now i don't ever want to be in a moving vehicle ever again just thinking about it stresses me out#vent
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thank god for crazy women 🙏
#my alcoholic neighbor driving to me in her shitty car and making her doctor squeeze me in for an appointment on friday#shes got nair on her legs nearly giving her chemical burns because she keeps forgetting to wash it off running around the house#shouting down the phone 'SHE NEEDS XANAX. GET HER SOMEONE WHO CAN GIVE HER ANTIDEPRESSANTS OR SMTH'#gave me 2 pairs of jeans and made me do a whole acne treatment. threw me in the shower#i get out. shes pouring more vodka into this big ass cup crying about her ex boyfriend and im standing there sopping wet like. i love you#she got my mom to come over with her there and diffused things. my mom didnt really apologize and i didnt get to say#everything i wanted bc she just kept saying she didnt remember what i was talking about#nd i didnt wanna start blasting her for shit like 'remember when i told you my ex raped me and you said 'maybe its because of his culture'?'#at this point im just glad shes not a threat to my safety right now. doesnt change the fact that i have to get out
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uh-oh <- just realised how easy it would be to go on a road trip to a cool place 2 & 1/2hrs away, spend the day there, then drive 2 & 1/2hrs back
#you know when you're young and first start driving and start being allowed to drive how you get a little crazy with it#that never happened to me bc i missed out on driver's ed and no one took me to a driving class or anything like that#so i just fully got my license as soon as i was of legal age#no class and very little practice pure trembling during the test driving 30mph around town bc i'd never driven around cars before#then for two years i was incredibly uncomfortable driving because i had to seriously devote more attention span than i had#and i could tell i was not capable of processing my surroundings at 80mph#then i totalled my car in my first ever accident of any kind hydroplaning into the median going like 70+mph#ptsd made driving impossible for a year then incredibly difficult for 3+yrs then BAM plague. stay inside your house don't ever leave.#so now i'm 28 and undergoing a serious revelation of like.. wait i can leave whenever i want??? and go anywhere??? 😳#i was reading about this place on wikipedia when i was like 15 and i've always wanted to go but no one would/could take me 🥲#what if i just went 🥲🥲🥲#i fr think i might cry#adam talks too much
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Me watching the wedding ceremony: Tearing up, but holding strong with maybe a single stoic tear
Me in the car afterwards: *ugly sobbing*
#I hate driving but the car is my safe space#IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL#THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH#how amazing a wedding is...#gathering a bunch of ppl u love to declare#how much you love a specific beloved person#this was the first wedding i've ever been to#i think i understand why ppl want and love weddings now#i drove home sad it was over (tho I was tired too#and really needed to go home)#and just like marveling#at the power of love and how much THEY love each other#uggghgh i kept it together#There was activity and talking to ppl after the ceremony#and i stayed at a place with some friends#so there was lots to do and occupy the mind#but the minute I was like TRULY alone in the car#with nothing to do but think about it#i kept thinking about different little details and crying#all over again
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...
#thats me in the corner. thats me in thr spotlight. rocking from side to side and not contributing to the conversation#which is to say. i made it to thr lab get together with an old lab mate. i really truely did not think i would#i was like 20min late bc of the crying and hyperventilating over a 6min drive down the road#i sorta freaked out while driving too. and almost turned around. its just that i kno i havent been sleeping enough and got overwhelmed#but i made it there. and i dont think i looked like id been crying but i probably looked a bit blank faced and miserable#as i rocked from side to side for like 2hrs listening to ppl talk. i enjoyed it exactly as much as i expected. it was good to see the guy#again but i just dont connect in group gatherings idk. im glad its done. also fucking we were sitting there and a group comes in and whos#in that group?? someone i have avoided seeing for like a loooong time. the guy who tried to be in a relationship with me back when i 1st#started as a grad student. i say relationship. i was explaining to him why i couldnt do any sort of romantic e tanglement and he was very#firm abt not wanting a relationship. and im like bro im explaining u why no romanticly adjacent thing is gonna work. u literally asked me#to physically hold ur hand thru this. u r somehow more emotionally invested in this than me and also are telling me that u just wanna fuck#me. so like u r not slick. whatever. it was so fucking stressful at the time. which i feel bad abt bc it wasn't really his fault#i was just less self aware so i didnt kno i have bad awareness in the moment. like i dont kno a lines been crossed until a week later when#im laying on thr floor falling apart. so like i wish him the best. didnt kno he was still around. hopefully this doesnt trigger stress#dreams. all this to say i was very fucking tense. and when i got back in my car i was like shaky and panting lol#idk looking back its just such a weird situation with that dude. if i was anyone else it woudlnt have been a big deal but#my brain just doesn't process physical touch right. so now ive got these horrible touch memories that like on paper r literally nothing#but for me they were so unfathomablly awful when i 1st aquired them. i literally could not deal with any romantic stuff for like a month#bc it would like trigger me. now thst its been like 3 years its not bad tho. just like gives me thr ick but i dont get#stuck in the memories too much. its so dumb. whatever. point is im all sore now from sitting all tense haha#unrelated
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i had a rough night of sleep last night in part bc i was overthinking moving out and googling stuff about it and being afraid and now i have a bad headache and im still afraid. i want to live by myself but i know i am so prone to loneliness when im isolated and what do i do if i end up living on my own and can’t get a roommate even if i decide want to and what if im afraid to go to sleep or put on headphones or not be constantly alert in case something goes wrong. and i want a cat but what if i can’t handle taking care of one and struggle to build their routine into my routine and procrastinate on caring for them like i do for myself and cause them harm bc of it. im just scared
#purrs#and i can’t get my head clear bc my head hurts. like full face headache behind my eyes on the bridge of my nose in my temples in my jaw#i went on the living alone subreddit last night and read ppls posts where they were like i thougut i realy wanted this but now im deeply#depressed and crying all the time and . my god im so scared of that. esp bc i know my parents and sister are going to be so worried about m#and upset with me for wanting to do this and if i struggle with it i’ll show i realy couldn’t handle it. agh#if i move out this winter i probably can’t get a cat until the summer bc I need to make sure i have flexibility w my routine and also can#drive. i really truly can’t get a cat without a car first
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Unhappy to report that after 4 months of no driving anxiety, it has returned with a vengeance!
#kind of want to cry and definitely considering skipping school tomorrow because I do not want to drive#Tuesday was the first time in months that I cried in the car and earlier today I started sobbing thinking about driving#I'm feeling really awful rn#I'm not sure what to do#the paranoia had been creeping back in the last couple of weeks and now it's back in full force#ashley rambles
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saw a big fat cricket at work today
#now that everybody has been distracted by rhe cricket i am going to complain in the tags so dont look unless you really want to ^_^#god my prides gotten so fucking stomped on these past few days i dont even know what i did wrong at the job interview#how do they hire this deadbeat i know but not me#ive never gotten turned down before and i did everything well and i said yes to all the shit they wanted from me#everybody was so sure id get it and it was going to fix everything#but now im sitting here worried about finding a new job all over again#once more worried about not getting an apartment because i dont make enough#once more getting sprayed in the fucking face with rotten fish at my shitty job and trying not to cry in my car#sitting here trying not to bother anybody with it#idk how longer i can do this shit man#if more shit goes wrong i think im gonna drive my car into a lake
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