#it definitely romanticizes sadness to the point where i want to listen to my sad song playlist and weep for no reason

[fuck-sewingmachines]

The first two eps of The Summer I Turned Pretty s2 are so.... Good?

Like... Sadness is such a beautiful, raw emotion and those eps portrayed that emotion so perfectly. With Belly going on about her day and something, anything, reminds her of a specific moment in the past and she pauses because she has a flashback to that moment and she is reminded of how sad she is.

It comes at you in waves, and completely at random and it's just so well portrayed.

[anadrenalineslut]

honestly, with taylor reworking and re-recording some of her old music i'm almost desperately waiting to hear the 'taylor's version' of tim mcgraw.

it's such a special song to me, y'know? it was the first. i've liked taylor's music since her country days and it makes me happy to think she has a chance to see these old songs from a different, more mature perspective.

You know, anon, I totally get it because I'm right there with you.

Debut TV is going to have me ugly crying for months, I cannot wait to hear grown taylor's vocals on the most vulnerable album in her discography. I've spoken on here before about how sad I find listening to taylor's music in order because she gets so much more guarded in her work as time goes on.

Like, fuck, bro, you know my kingdom metaphor analysis? Debut for me is peak people pleaser taylor, if you read the lyrics to her earlier unreleased songs- you can see her romanticizing everything around her (even some things, that if are true, should not have been romanticized by her... there is a song she wrote about the supposed death of a girl she didn't really know apparently and that feels icky to me, that song can stay in the vault if this is true, she has several of these songs but i'm not judging her for it). These songs to me showcase the absolute burning desire taylor had to escape from the bullying of her ordinary life.

She grew up in the 90s and early 00s, mind you. As a white woman, of all things, patriarchy during that time was very oppressive to women and white women were definitely feeling the effects of it too. ED-chic was all the rage and white women especially were raised to desire the approval of the white man, against the warnings of everyone else. Like, if you look at the "chick media" from this time, it all serves to brainwash millennial white people at the time into upholding white supremacist values. My personal headcanon of taylor being autistic only further strengthen the desire taylor would have felt growing up around white people to play into this role.

She was heavily bullied and made fun of during her time in school, which she's literally the poster child for popular girl so to me that's so strange that they didn't like her. She wasn't poor either, she was well off and she was still excluded. It's really giving autism to me, tbh. Maybe that's me projecting my own experiences on taylor- i just don't see how someone like her could be socially excluded, to the point where she didn't feel desirable? It's giving autism to me. But anyways, let me get back to what is confirmed to be known about taylor.

When I was about 12/13, I signed up for tumblr and I was eventually led down the "truscum" pipeline, where anti-feminism was all the rage and being an "sjw" was cringe to the max. Looking back at why I interacted with the type of content I did, I can recognize my fear of being the "odd one out" at the forefront of this desire. It's at the forefront of all my people pleasing ways, and it's like coming off of taylor's early works in waves to me. That desire to be seen as normal, as cool and pretty and funny and the girl of somebody's dreams, that desire to be famous and show up all your childhood bullies and have complete and total strangers just want to be your friend and want to be around you and want to get to know you, I see that in taylor and I see the retrospective self-hatred in taylor's newer work especially as it relates to her fame-seeking desires of her teenage self.

Like, I don't know what vault tracks we are going to get from taylor but I do think we're going to see a side of taylor that we never knew with debut because it kind of makes sense, doesn't it? She's driven by the desire to make all her projects unique and interesting, she wants us to "keep looking at her" and she still wants to be in the spotlight and she wants to be a shining light, but she knows that she hasn't done enough. She knows that she's played it safe her entire career and I think that's why we got an era from midnights that was highly conflicting.

Like, even now, looking back at the promo and the ways in which the photoshoot is at complete odds with both the sound of the project and the public image of the project... it's really giving me chills honestly because it's her best era ever. I say it with every era but it's because it's fucking true, she really improves on her craft and her story-telling especially. Like, I fully believe the first ten albums were about taylor herself, and now in this new crop of albums, she's going to start really dissecting her journey to fame and saying everything she couldn't say beforehand.

I think we've gotten hints of Taylor wanting to be taken seriously, she's spent so much of her career parroting back what other people wanted to hear from her (like... esp ts1-5, those were crafted to the play the role they expected from her) but with midnights especially, I was kind of shocked at how many subtle shots she's been taking at her fandom especially. Like, "they" is often used in the record to refer to her fans and I love it so much.

But wow, let me get back to debut tv, I cannot wait to see how she reintroduces Taylor Swift (Taylor's Version). Like, just the title alone, it gives me chills at all the different ways she could reinvent herself. Like, the record itself, it is not very sonically cohesive which makes sense since it's her first record and it's like at the time, your debut was about showcasing who you are as an artist. Taylor picked the classic girl-next-door for the debut record because that is what she wanted to emulate at the time. She wanted to be seen as normal, as desirable, as the beauty queen. And that is why she starts her entire career off with a song about wanting to haunt her ex-lover, it's... tim mcgraw is who taylor swift is at her core. It's an introduction to the image she wanted to project onto the world for decades, until the negative aspects of that image caught up to her and she had to decide whether it was worth it- holding up this fake idea of perfection to the world in exchange for what/who she really is, when that idea of perfection that she was emulating is the ideal white supremacist image to begin with.

Like, oof, I am getting deep into the analysis of taylor's career and her moves as an artist but okay tim mcgraw is a break-up song about how beautiful taylor is as a person and how rare she is, to the point where she will change that person's memory forever. It's like saying to us there is a before taylor but there is no after taylor. Taylor wants to be memorable, she wants to make an impact on people and for a long time, she thought it'd be finding the perfect kiss and creating an iconic love story, because that was how women rose to fame in her time.

But as she's grown up and in the public eye, during a social climate in America that is tired of the image of the 'girl next door' ideals because it rightfully ignores the reality of living in america, she's gotten a lot of flack for not being perfect in her recent years because our definition of what a "good" white woman is has changed to be less white supremacist. Like, we expect someone like Taylor to change the world or at the very least, to be politically radical in her music and image because it's not about what white women can do for the image of the white man anymore, it's about making a difference in your community.

And I think that's why taylor has been shifting her image a lot recently, especially with how queer her image has gotten, I feel like we're going to get a lover redo and once she comes out, she's going to start releasing music that is politically aware and takes aim at the white supremacy structures still present in the industry today.

I just cannot wait to hear taylor swift (taylor's version) because I'm sure we're not ready for the vault tracks, nor are we ready for her retrospective prologue about how far she's come and how she's not the girl on that record anymore, she's grown and changed so much and for the better since then. I just cannot fucking wait for debut tv.

[apurikottotii]

august song recs!

so.... this month was kinda all over the place lmao. it was really bad until it got better. i really want to thank witch's heart for helping me resolve some things. helped me realize that i need to stop overthinking and "strangling your own neck", and to just "choose what's easier for me". i've FINALLY (yes... i'm not trying to gaslight myself this time) into letting go. it's not "under" or anything. it's definitely over. and yeah, i'm sure. i'm sure that they are all good people.

---go go ghost ship - kenshi yonezu

listen i saw a witch's heart animatic of this song and it is SO AMAZING. i just wish it was in english so i could experience it better (there are no captions) :(. my favorite part of the song is when the chorus ends, and the singer repeats the last line (but it's DISTORTED. WHICH. CHANGES THE MEANING) that is so cool. My favorite lyric when he does this is "But I rather suddenly start to laugh / I rather suddenly start to laugh"

---i'm glad you're evil too - pinocchio-p

i sort of talked about this song already, but i honestly randomly listened to it. I really didn't like it back then (which made me so sad because a title like "i'm glad you're evil too" is a title that caters EXACTLY to my tastes). but honestly i wanted to give it another try because i was going through ... a depressive episode and i wanted to see if it would bring me any sort of comfort. man. it's just such a beautiful song. i really love songs that love the simple things in life. that's one of the reasons why i love yorushika so much. unfortunately... when i listen to it now, it reminds me of really bad days (it sucks so much)... AND it romanticizes a friend i had in a way i shouldn't... so while i love this song so much i can't listen to it very often.

---enko shoujo - nashimoto-p

yes.... i watched a kanamafu tiktok and it is SO BEAUTIFUL. i was going to shit out tears. i love songs about growing up so much, especially people who cannot come to terms with it. i also love songs where the speaker has an internal conflict- in this case, the speaker longs for this girl but hates it. lastly... i love songs that have interesting perspectives on love. especially when they call it "disgusting", or something like that. it's really cool. and the cherry on top is the beautiful bridge. seriously i'm tired of hearing muted versions of the chorus for a bridge (esp when they transition into the chorus that then goes a half step up- listen i love that shit but it is getting TIRING).

i love you (what embarrassing words). i need you (what embarrassing feelings). i want you (what a crapping sounding wish, but still)

only love is in her head!

these lyrics really appeal to the romantic in me. isn't it so nice to think of someone who thinks of you this way??

---honorable mentions:

help me erin: listen, this song has been on these posts for months now and i DO NOT CARE. it still continues to bring me so much comfort. i don't even know why, i feel like it captures the frustration and hope/longing i feel. i think i've listened to every youtube remix at this point. makina remix is still on top though. i've memorized the chorus in japanese. next step is to play it honestly.

black sorrow/all-in/my clematis: yes... i watched some alien stage because i heard it was like milgram and i keep seeing those two guys everywhere... i still like milgram better but it was pretty entertaining. these three are my favorite. black sorrow's ending chorus is SO heart wrenching.... arrghh.. all-in is so powerful and catchy and i really love the meaning. my clematis is hauntingly beautiful and also catchy. and depressing. and that "my god / my universe" part is INSANE.

living millenium: yes... "let's be crazy and pretend to fake it all!" (or something like that) is such a good lyric. i have.. no idea what the song is about but iyowa's tuning style is always a pleasure to listen to.

omg lastly i transcribed so many piece (yoru no waltz, kimagure mercy, carefree conversation, etc. i listened to those A LOT!)

[oitommothetease]

Invisible String (13/15)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female reader (Modern AU)

Word Count: 2.2k words

Warning : angst, violence, sad reader, sad Bucky, shitty Rumlow, maybe Steve isn’t that bad, the doughnuts are back from chapter 11, did I mention angst?, angst, more angst

Everything was dark, you noticed. When you slowly returned to consciousness, you half expected to be in your bed with Bucky tangled beside you, just like in your dreams. He fit so perfectly in your bed — your life and you, as if he was a part of you, and you weren't sure where he ended and where you began. 

But when you moved to stretch your aching limbs, they moved a few inches before halting by some sort of restriction. Instantly, the bubble of your dreams burst, and everything came to your mind, and you abruptly looked around to find him. Bucky was still unconscious — tied to a chair, but instead of rope like yours, he was tied down with manacles. He had restraints on his wrists and ankles. You were sort of offended that they didn’t think you were strong enough to be captured like him. Not that you wanted those manacles anywhere near your body, but you preferred not to be treated as if you were meek.

What could be worse than getting kidnapped? It's definitely getting rekidnapped with the person who came to rescue you. Clint lied, he was working with Rumlow. His source was nothing but an ambush for Bucky. There were more than 4 of Rumlow’s men in the warehouse. Clint lied so that Bucky would come under prepared and he fell right into the trap.  

Earlier, it was just you in a room alone, but now it was you and Bucky in a dingy cell-like room with a closed door. He was still knocked out when the man known as Rumlow walked in. You recalled him from the time he came to the club, and you wanted nothing more than to run towards the safe embrace of your lover. 

“Well, well, what do we have here?” Rumlow’s steps halted when he was near your tied form. His hand came for your cheek and naturally, you recoiled away. Your rejection didn’t deter him, it only fueled his fury more as he held your chin tightly in his other hand and made you look at him. You attempted to get out of his grasp, which only angered him more, and he struck his hand to your face. It ached so much and it was so loud that it jolted Bucky up. 

“Will you look at that,” Rumlow mocked, pushing your face away from his hold. “Lover boy can feel her pain.”

It took a second for Bucky to drink in the sight and commemorate everything. Once everything came back to him, he looked at you deplorably, his eyes filled with concern and guilt as he saw the blood dripping down your face.

“Get away from her, Rumlow!” Bucky seethed when his gaze was back at the man who hurt you. Despite the warning, Rumlow moved more towards you. One hand running his knuckles on your face in an attempt to be soothing, while the other held your chin in a painful grip.

“Why do you get to keep such a pretty thing all to yourself?” Rumlow asked rhetorically. “I should get a taste too.”

Before Bucky could try to do something, a knock on the door attracted everyone’s attention. Clint came in with a look of victory on his face.

“You betraying son of a bitch,” you hissed. Unlike Bucky, you didn’t have much self-restraint or any wise escape plan cooking in your head. “Why the fuck did you do it?”

“You’re new, sweetheart,” Clint pointed out, his tone condescending. “You don't know how it works.” 

“What I know is that your wife is friends with Wanda's girlfriend,” you retorted back immediately. You were tired of being seen as weak. ”How will she feel when she finds out that you betrayed Bucky?”

A look of uncertainty came over Clint's face and you continued, “I might be new, sweetheart, but I’m not dumb.”

When Clint was astounded, Rumlow spoke up,” Ah, the power of pillow talk. You are one feisty little bitch. What else did he tell you? Did he tell you that his work is not illegal and he sells weapons to the government?”

You looked at Bucky, hoping that the man you knew and loved was nothing like this monster who assaulted you. Rumlow continued, “Barnes, Rogers and I started this whole a business together. They enjoyed the money that was brought in with our illegal escapade. He enjoyed girls like you every day. Until one day, the childhood buddies decided it was time to go clean. And they just left us in pursuit of some dream life.”

You didn’t know what to say, so you just looked over at Bucky who was staring at the floor as if waiting for it to open and swallow him whole. Was he ashamed of his past? Did he think that his past would make you love him any less? If he did, then he was highly mistaken because now you didn't see James as your arrogant boss. Now you saw a young boy who made some questionable choices and, to make a better life for himself and his family, he changed his direction. Now you saw a reckless boy who did stupid shit in his past like everyone in the world and instead of letting it define him, he made a better life for himself. Now you saw a hardworking boy who worked his ass off to build an empire for himself and his loved ones. All of these versions of him existed before you, but you only saw one — the one that mattered to you at least, you just saw the love of your life, your Bucky.

The universe might have listened to your pleas because Rumlow’s phone rang and both he and Clint exited the room. You didn’t know how to start a conversation with Bucky. He didn't want to, that you were sure of. What were you supposed to say? That his hardship and past made him look hotter in your eyes? You wanted to avoid romanticizing his struggles, so you resorted to the only thing you do when you are tense.

“This is not the lunch date I had in mind,” you teased, forcefully huffing to make the situation seem less intense. When Bucky did not respond or even looked at you, you retorted to another antic. “I remember that song name, you know — Invisible String. Taylor Swift, of course. It would make an excellent bakery name. We can -”

“We can what?” Bucky finally snapped, “You want me to fire my friends and convert the most profitable club into a fucking bakery, huh?” 

“Is that what you want? A life with a man who got you involved in this shit?” you flinched at his harsh words. You knew this wasn’t your Bucky — your Bucky was all about sweet touches, teasing words and passionate kisses. No, this was the Bucky that Rumlow recognized. 

“You don’t mean that,” you whispered, your tone gentle. “I’m sorry you're stuck here because of me, but -”

He cut you off. “Doll,” he exhaled, his voice devoid of all the venom present a moment ago, It was filled with the adoration towards you that you were used to; Nonetheless, it still made you feel dizzy all the time. His face softened before saying, “This isn’t your fault. It’s mine. I got you into this mess. I should have stayed away from you.”

You opened your mouth to object. You wanted to tell him that he was being stupid — that you would get through this together, but he sustained.

“I will stay away from you,” he pondered, his eyes avoiding yours again. 

No, you wouldn't let that happen. You finally had him, and you wouldn't let Rumlow get into Bucky's head. “We’ll talk about this later, okay?”

“There is nothing to talk about,” he concluded, “When we are out of here. I will maintain my distance.”

You tried to ask him to stop saying that, but he kept ignoring your words and looked at the wall behind you for almost an hour. When it got to your nerves, and you were starting to get pissed he started whistling a song you weren’t quite familiar with. “Seriously? How old are you? Five?”

He didn’t respond. “So what? You're just gonna ignore me while we’re tied here?”

 “Hey, let's play a game,” you tried again.

Before you could lose all your patience and start yelling at him, you heard grunting sounds from behind the door. You shuddered, swallowing the lump in your throat. You didn’t want to see Rumlow again, in fact, you never wanted to see Rumlow.

Sensing your discomfort made Bucky finally speak up. “Y/N, look at me,” his voice sweet as ever, as if he hadn't been ignoring you for the past hour. You looked at him, and he held your gaze, assuring you, “I won’t let anyone hurt you again.”

You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak anything. Both of you held your breath, waiting for someone to walk in and hurt you more, but it never came. All that came was a blond man with a gun in his hand, whom you recognized instantly — Steve. You didn't like that man one bit because he clearly disliked you, but at that moment, he was your angel who came to your rescue.

Immediately, Steve ran towards his pal who nodded his head towards you, indicating his friend to let you out of the restraint first. Again, he had manacles around his wrists and limbs, and he wanted you to be free of the rope that was around you. Steve took his friend’s request and freed you of your restriction before doing the same for Bucky.

When you stood up, the world stood up with you, and you realized that you hadn’t eaten anything in more than 24 hours. You almost collapsed on the floor when two strong hands came to your relief and held you. You didn’t need to keep your eyes open to see who it was. Likewise, you knew it was Bucky — you could recognize his touch anywhere, and just liked that you passed out.

The next time you gained awareness, you were moving swiftly. It took you a few seconds to acknowledge that you were in a car. You craned your neck upward to find your head situated on a hard and firm chest, Bucky looked down at you and engulfed you tighter to his side, your legs resting on his lap while his free hand was settled on the back of your thigh, holding you closer to him. 

“Doll,” his voice was barely audible, and you wouldn't have heard it if you weren't so close to him or if he didn't whisper it in your ear. “You gotta eat something.”

Tiredly, you nodded and Bucky nudged you softly, encouraging you to straighten up a little before eating something. You straightened your back and somebody passed a box from the passenger seat. Steve, you recognized him and the person in the driver's seat — Sam. Both of them looked at you sympathetically, and you smiled at them, or at least tried to. You were so exhausted.

Bucky opened the box and took out a doughnut, which you brought for him that morning, or was it the previous morning? How long had it been since you were kidnapped?

Two doughnuts and one bottle of water later, you were back at your apartment. Bucky’s hand rested on the small of your back as Steve and Sam followed both of you. You hesitated before unlocking the door, and Bucky ran his hand on your back reassuringly as he ensured you, “I’ve got you, doll.”

Bucky said something to Sam and Steve, but you were too exhausted to listen. Once they were gone, Bucky strode towards you, cupping your face in his hands as he scanned your face for all the wounds. “How about you clean up, and I’ll get the first aid kit. Okay, doll?”

Just like the whole night or day or whatever time it was, you didn't remember most of the bath. You remembered going into the shower — you remembered water running down your body — you remembered seeing red water (probably from your bruises) seeping in the drain — you remembered seeing someone in the mirror you didn't recognize — you remembered falling to the floor and crying and most importantly you remembered calling for Bucky.

As if standing outside the door, Bucky was crouched over you instantly . He wrapped a towel around your naked form and held you on the bathroom floor while you cried and finally acknowledged the trauma that you had encountered.

Bucky held you as you continued to cry in muffled sobs against his chest. When you fell asleep, he placed you and tucked you in your bed comfortably before getting in himself. You wrapped your arms around him in your sleep and held him like the anchor he was to you. Bucky pressed a kiss in your hair and whispered his love and apologies to you for pulling you into his messed up life. You couldn't fathom a word he confessed before sleep finally engulfed you.

TAGS : @bananapipedreams​ @akkinda10​ @rivers-rambles21​ @emmabarnes​ @valsworldofcreativity​ @boofy1998 @marvel-3407​ @mybuck​ @priii​ @coffeebooksandfandom​ @ladydmalfoy​ @shaking-a-jar-of-bees @elizamalfoyy​ @maladaptivexxdaydreaming​ @sabrinathesimp

A/N - Hey, I finally made a Taglist .This was a very intense (please don’t hate me) I love you bye. Take care!

[jiamour]

maybe, just maybe

pairing: hufflepuff!jeno x slytherin!reader

genre: fluff

word count: 4.2k

summary: jeno was perfect, maybe everyone was sick of his perfectness, maybe it wasn’t everyone, maybe it was just you. 

alternatively: you’re in love with jeno but it takes 2 rainstorms, months of longingly staring, a missing overweight cat, and a love potion to realize it

a/n: i wrote this two years ago so its not great and its bullet point which is annoying

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

oh look at perfect jeno, with his perfect marks, his perfect attitude, his perfect quidditch skills

his perfect hair, his perfect smile

his perfect face

maybe everyone was sick of his perfectness

maybe it wasn’t everyone

maybe it was just you

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* 

“do you see what jeno is doing over there? he literally volunteered to polish the fucking candelabras, there’s something off about him, something he’s hiding, no one can be that nice”

renjun threw a grape at your head forcing you to pry your eyes off of the innocent boy doing a good deed while eating a blueberry muffin across the dining hall to glower at your best friend

“but he is that nice” renjun huffed not up for another 10 hour tangent about how jeno was obviously wearing a wig ‘because no ones hair can naturally be that fluffy it’s literally not possible’

“well jeno can suck my dick”

“you’d like that wouldn’t you”

you gasped and chucked a half eaten scone towards him earning a few curious glances from some third years who quickly looked away when met by your glare

“why am i even friends with you?”

renjun had the audacity to roll his eyes “because i’m the only person who can stand to listen to you pine over jeno everyday without wanting to rip my ears off, and sometimes even i romanticize the idea”

“shut up it’s not pining, i hate him and i’m leaving, i refuse to sit here and be attacked” you said hurriedly, grabbing a peach in your hand, and scoffing before stomping dramatically out of the room

renjun snorted and continued eating

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

jeno looked up from candelabra just in time to see you exit the dining hall flipping your hair back flamboyantly before stocking off down the corridor

he smiled to himself

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

you rubbed your eyes as you left the slytherin common room to begin your nightly patrol as prefect

(jeno was a prefect as well, of fucking course he was (this didn’t bother you at all (okay it did (a lot))))

the walk around the halls was always calm and relaxing

except when you saw that annoying ghost peeves

you hated peeves almost as much as jeno

key word almost

you took a step around the corner of the hall and that’s when it hit you

no like literally hit you

someone had actually hit you

you stumbled backwards in shock, lighting up your wand quickly to see which annoying brat was out of bed despite the paintings complaints

what you saw definitely wasn’t AN annoying brat

it was THE annoying brat

“jeno?”

jeno was standing there, wide eyed, in his slightly over sized pale beige striped pajamas, with a little bit of mint toothpaste on the corner of his mouth, in pure panic

“oh my gosh! i’m so sorry! are you okay?” jeno was almost yelling looking like he was about to cry

you shushed him (naturally)

“i’m fine don’t worry i’m okay” your voice was hushed and way softer than usual almost getting caught in your throat

like you were caught in his pretty eyes

what?

ignore that

he heaved a sigh of relief but his shoulders remained tense

he looked around your shoulder and whenever he spoke it was as if he wasn’t even looking at you

“umm jeno?”

he only hummed

“are you okay?”

“no”

that certainly was not the answer you had expected

“what wrong?” you didn’t know why you were asking this, why you cared.

you hated him

“i-my cat-“ he stumbled over his words almost cutely

“i lost my cat have you seen a cat?” he asked his voice full of desperation

he squat down holding his hand about 30cm off the ground “shes white with gray spots and umm about this tall”

he moved his hands apart as if he was holding a large book “and she’s about this wide, i know she’s a little pudgy- okay a lot pudgy, but i love her a lot okay!”

if jeno wasn’t so panicked you would have laughed

“i haven’t seen her sorry” you told him and the look on his face made your heart break

he stood up looking down at his feet “that’s okay she’s a strong cat i’m sure she can surv-“

“but i can help you look for her” you cut him off words surprising both him and yourself

“WOULD YOU REALLY” jeno spoke overjoyed earning multiple shushes from the paintings

then he pulled you into a suffocating bear hug muttering thank you over and over again

stupid jeno and his stupid perfect warm hugs

when he let you go all you could do was stand there in shock he noticed your expression and blushed

which was awful by the way

clearly embarrassed he put a hand on the back of his neck and looked down again “sorry that was a bit weird wasn’t it?”

yes very

do it again

“only a little” you laughed quietly and his eyes shone bright as he laughed with you

it took about 30 minutes to find his cat

of course his stupid fat cat couldn’t stay hidden for longer

how inconsiderate

when jeno saw his cat (who’s name turned out to be ‘cuddles, because that totally wasn’t the cutest this ever) he squealed and the cat came running towards you both rubbing it’s head against jeno’s leg

you didn’t know cats were capable of this much affection

but of course perfect jeno was the exception

he just had to be a fucking cat whisperer didn’t he

“you should get back to bed it’s not your shift anyways, you need sleep” your words broke him out of his cat trance

he sighed looking almost sad

but why would he look sad?

he had no reason to be sad

who made jeno sad?

“this was fun” he said with his annoyingly perfect voice

you said nothing only gave him a small smile

cause that’s all he deserved

okay he deserved more

shut up

“i guess i’ll be going then goodnight yn”

you hated how perfect your name sounded coming from his lips

you watched as he walked off making his way back to the hufflepuff common room

“goodnight” 

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

“ugh i hate him so much renjun i didn’t get to sleep because of him and his stupid fat cat”

“you were on duty you didn’t get to sleep anyways”

“shut up”

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

the day was beautiful

the birds were singing, the wind lightly blew the grass around where you and renjun were sitting, and the coast was jeno clear

wait false alarm

there he was standing at the outskirts of the forest feeding the baby animals like the fucking saint he was

“the day is no longer beautiful”

renjun laughed

shit you said that out loud didn’t you

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

the next time you saw jeno (aka the 12th time that week (not including class) not that you were counting or anything) you were both in the library

he sat at a table surrounded by friends his nose scrunching occasionally whenever he read something he didn’t quite understand

you watched as he delicately flipped the pages of the old book

god you really wished you were a book right now

wait

what the fuck

no

you hadn’t realized you were staring until renjun waved a textbook in front of your face snapping your attention back to him

“hello earth to yn” renjun wanted to yell but it was a library and he had manners “you going to help me with this project or keep staring at mr.perfect?”

“i wasn’t staring”

“okay so now we’re out here telling blatant lies, okay hun, i see how it is” as he spoke your eyes began to drift back over to the table where jeno sat and renjun was not having it

snap snap snap bitch renjun's hand was snapping right in front your face and you were afraid he was going to accidentally (not so accidentally) hit you

“still not staring” you muttered “why would i stare at someone i hate?”

“kill me now”

you decided to actually work before renjun went crazy

also you didn’t want perfect jeno to make you fail

you’d never live it down

you and renjun finished up your research a few hours later to both of your relief

you gathered up all of your stuff to go as renjun put the books back

you looked over at where jeno sat to see if he was still there

because you were annoyed that he was

that’s why you were checking

no other reason

you were surprised to see him sitting there looking right back at you

he smiled his perfect smile and waved

you bit your lip and gave him a shy wave back not knowing what else to do

you turned away quickly to search for renjun who had probably already left without you, hearing the laughter of jeno's friends behind you

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

you found yourself at a quidditch match between hufflepuff and ravenclaw

it was the first time you’d been to a quidditch match since your second year and you decided to go now because renjun wanted to be there

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* 

renjun did not want to be there

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* 

before you had entered the stands to sit in a crowd of screaming people there was a tap on your shoulder

you turned around quickly ready to fight who you thought was renjun for being late

it wasn’t renjun

jeno stood there dressed in his quidditch uniform slightly sweaty from practice beforehand

(and god was it hot)

because of course he was hot because he was stupid mr.perfect who could even make sweating look good

you were livid

jeno smiled at you

you couldn’t help but smile back

“i saw you walking over so i decided to come say hi if that’s okay” jeno spoke uncertain but his voice remained bright

“it’s okay” you said quietly “hi”

“i’ve never seen you at a match before” jeno inquired and something bubbled in your chest

“i haven’t been to one in a while i came because renjun wanted too” you said shyly fiddling with your sleeve

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

renjun did not want too

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

“i don’t see renjun?” jeno laughed

just as the word ‘renjun’ came out of his mouth the boy himself came around the corner beginning to yell a loud “YOUR KING HAS ARRIVED” before noticing jeno with you

renjun backed the fuck out of there

“well i guess now i do see a renjun” you laughed at that and jeno's smile traveled to his eyes

when you didn’t say anything jeno spoke up again “so i noticed you’re not wearing anything yellow. how can you cheer me on without wearing any yellow?”

you were flustered “i um-“

“WAIT UNLESS-“ jeno gasped dramatically placing a hand over his heart “are you not cheering for me?”

you couldn’t help but giggle “of course i’m cheering for you”

how could you not

he was mr.perfect after all

“well then here” jeno said pulling a yellow scarf from out of his uniform pocket “wear it for me okay? i have to go now before couch gets angry”

he placed scarf around your neck and looked at you smiling “there. i’ll see you later yn”

then he left

and stupid perfect jeno had bested you again

how dare he make you wear his soft perfect scarf

he must know how much this hurt your pride

renjun was going to have a field day

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

“yn stop playing with his scarf and look at the game”

“no i hate quidditch”

“i can see him looking at you right now and he looks sad you’re not watching”

“what really?” you looked up quick

jeno was not looking

at least not anymore

renjun laughed

“i hate him” you mumbled

“and you” you added for good measure

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

you were exhausted

your head was laid on the dining hall table and you were ready to sleep for eternity

“did you even sleep at all last night? jesus yn, you look awful” renjun’s voice was teasing but laced in concern

“thanms” you mumbled lifting your head attempting to sarcastically thank him but not having the energy

“wow you’re a mess” he laughed ruffling your already messy hair, trying to make it worse

“ugh i hate you” you grumbled just when a soft hand was placed on your shoulder

“you hate me?” the voice behind you laughed brightly

oh god you knew that voice

why did he have energy this early

showing off how he was superior again

you hated it

“jeno” you said as you turned to smile at him

“you didn’t answer my question” he teased sitting down beside you

uninvited you may add

okay maybe you tapped the seat for him to sit but only a little

“of course i don’t hate you” renjun rolled his eyes so hard you were surprised he didn’t roll with them

“well that’s good because i brought you some coffee” he said making a car sound as he moved the coffee across the table towards you “you looked tired and i drink this every day so i thought you’d like it”

it’s like he wanted you to hate him

how dare he be so nice

making you feel special

doing good deeds

playing with your emotions

being too fucking perfect

renjun saw you glare at the cup and had to leave because of how hard he was laughing

jeno asked if renjun was okay and you just waved him off

“thank you” you hummed and reached for the cup

the coffee tasted like caramel and had the perfect amount of milk and the perfect amount of sugar

you loved it

and you hated that

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

“hey man are you okay? you just started wheezing out of nowhere, yn says you’re fine but i just wanted to be sure” jeno asked the next time he saw renjun in the hall

renjun died again

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

you were taking a walk around the school grounds to clear your mind of stress from upcoming assignments

you got lost in thought as flitterby moths flew around and landed on flowers in front of you

that was at least until a loud perfect voice came from over the hill calling your name

you moved your eyes from the moths who hadn’t even been startled by the sudden sound to where the voice had come from and surely enough there was jeno walking towards you

you waved to him and he smiled back

“what are you up t-“ he stopped talking when he saw you watch the moths flutter up into the sky and fly back into the forest

jeno laughed at your pout making you pout more

“who would have thought that the tough slytherin prefect spends her time watching butterflies” jeno teased his hand brushing against yours because of how close he was standing

“they were moths” you corrected

you smiled proudly

for once he wasn’t perfect

“so are you saying you are against the idea of watching butterflies?” he bumped your shoulder playfully

“i haven’t seen many around so i guess it would be nice to see them as well” you sighed truthfully and jeno couldn’t take his eyes off of you

he opened his mouth to speak and that’s when thunder struck

“oh god no please say there’s no-“ before you could finish your sentence it started pouring, “rain”

jeno looked at you and lifted his robe over both of your heads with left arm and grabbed your hand with his right before he started running, pulling you with him towards the castle

you couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculous this situation was

you were running hand in hand with the boy you hated

with mr.perfect himself

who by the way still looked perfect even when sopping wet with his hair sticking to his face

and that was just offensive

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

jeno didn’t want to let go of your hand even when you had made it back to the castle

so he didn’t

he brought his robe down which happened to be no help anyways

and looked over to see you smiling beside him

how someone could look so perfect while drenched in rain he would never understand

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

jeno walked you back to the slytherin common room

because he was too nice for his own good

his hand was still holding yours

obviously to humiliate you why else

if renjun saw you like this he’d never let it go

you really hoped renjun wasn’t around

but of course he was

you opened the door to the dungeons and there he was

standing right there

he looked at you

then he looked at you hands

then he looked at jeno

back to you

back to your hands

instant wheezing

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

“is your friend okay? i can ask madam pomfrey if she has an inhaler for him” jeno asked the next day

now you were wheezing

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

“amortentia is the most powerful love potion in existence. it causes a powerful infatuation or obsession from the drinker and should not be used under any circumstances” the potions teacher explained at the beginning of the lesson

if it shouldn’t be used then why teach us, you wanted to groan

there was a 500% chance someone was going to try to make someone fall for them like an idiot

the teacher continued on and the curiosity of many students grew “it is said that it smells different to each person, based on what we are attracted to.”

okay maybe that’s kind of cool

and you kind of wanted to know what you were attracted to

well you did know

kind of

“for example i smell cinnamon buns and butterscotch scented candles as well as the ocean” she droned on lazily her eyes closing slightly taking in the scent before she snapped out of it and looked back at the class

“would anyone like to give it a try” the teacher ask and half the hands in the room shot up

including yours

“yn how about you” the teacher said and you got out of your seat to stand in front of the potion

you leaned in to get a waft of the potion and the first thing you smelt was blueberry muffins

“tell everyone what you smell dear” the teacher insists

“umm blueberry muffins, caramel coffee, mint toothpaste, umm-“ you listed getting distracted by the smell

“continue on” the teacher urged smiling

-“the forest, sweat” you said slightly embarrassed “old library books, cats?”

the class laughed at that and you did too

“and umm the rain, should i continue on or-“ you blushed

“no no that’s enough thank you for assisting” the teacher patted you on the back and sent you back to your seat

where believe it or not

renjun was laughing

“what?” you asked curious wondering what you had done now

“i can’t believe you don’t know” renjun took a large breath trying to regain himself “why are you like this?”

“like what?” you were so confused and renjun wasn’t any help

you looked around the room to see if anyone else knew what the fuck was going on and there he was

jeno staring right at you eyes wide

and you had no idea why

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* 

the next day you watched as jeno grabbed his usual blueberry muffin and coffee before walking over to you and renjun

he had been doing this for about a week

but today

it felt so awkward

like jeno and renjun knew something that you didn’t

and you hated that

but jeno’s perfect soft smile as he handed you his caramel coffee so you could take a sip made all the negativity go away

wait

caramel coffee

blueberry muffin

it had to be a coincidence

yeah that’s all it was

one big coincidence

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

jeno seemed to be bringing you places more often

it was strange

really strange

one day he had dragged you out to the forest with him to feed the animals

which would have been nice if he hadn’t kept looking at you expectedly the whole time

when you didn’t say anything he just sighed and walked away sadly

you hated making mr.perfect sad

the next day jeno took you into the library

where you read about love potions

from old books

and nothing

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

jeno was going insane 

he was trying everything 

he couldn’t tell if you were purposely doing this or if you were actually this oblivious 

he guessed it was the latter because you may be cute but you definitely weren’t an actor

he learned that the hard way

resulting in you both losing 20 house points

he would rather not get into that

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* 

jeno invited you to his quidditch match

and you couldn’t say no, no matter how much you disliked the sport

because he has asked you with his perfect smile and his perfect pleading eyes

and no one could say no to that

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* 

he gave you his scarf again and renjun imploded

or maybe that was you

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

after the match which you think he won but you weren’t entirely certain jeno ran up to you pulling you into a tight hug

okay so he probably won

it was against slytherin but you know, who cares about house spirit when mr.perfect wants you to root for him

jeno invited you to come back to the hufflepuff common room with him to celebrate

and no one in their right mind would decline

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* 

his common room was definitely a lot cozier than yours you thought as you sat on the couch by the fire and pet his cat

pet his CAT

while you waiting for him to get out of the shower

although it should feel awkward being in a unknown place surrounded by unknown people, it didn’t

everyone was so welcoming and friendly

it felt so natural

jeno returned in fresh clothes with slightly damp hair that hung cutely in his face and mint toothpaste in the corner of his mouth

this felt familiar

jeno sat beside you putting his arm along the back of the couch and folding his legs on the seat to look at you

you stuck your hand out reaching towards his face “you have a little- there you go” you said as you wiped the little bit of toothpaste away

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* 

jeno was pretty sure he died then and there

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

jeno was done, he couldn’t take this anymore, everyday he asked you to go on a walk with him hoping

dreaming

that it would rain and you would maybe realize

he was ready to curse the fucking sky

but god decided to send him a gift instead

and it rained

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

“oh my god” you groaned trying to put your hand over your head to stop the rain from hitting you “i can’t believe this happened again”

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* 

please realize please realize please realize

“what are you doing? why do you look like you’re praying?”

that was it

jeno grabbed your hand and pulled you into him

“can i kiss you” he asked looking down at your lips

you just nodded

so he did

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

what the fuck

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK your brain was yelling as you kissed jeno

in the rain you might add

wait

rain

blueberry muffins

coffee

cats

sweat

mint toothpaste

forests

old books

jeno

how had you not realized?

you were attracted to jeno

the potion

everything made sense

“oh my god” you said shocked against his lips he laughed and pulled apart so he could look into your wide eyes

“you- the potion- rain- oh my god” you were rambling and jeno kissing you again, a quick peck this time

“i can’t believe it took you this long to realize” jeno said and you groaned slightly embarrassed ducking your head into his chest to hide your face

“hey, hey, no don’t hide, i want to see you” he teased and pushed you back slightly so you were forced to look up at him

your eyes were locked together until his hand moved to cupped your cheek and he leaned in again

but then there was thunder

“we should um-“ you stepped back mumbling shyly “get out of the rain”

“good idea” jeno agreed looking down at his wet clothes that stuck to his body

this time you grabbed his hand

and you both ran

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

the hufflepuff common room was closer and you didn’t want to leave each others sides, not at the moment

not right now

when THAT had just happened

what jeno had been waiting months for

okay maybe what you were also waiting months for

you had changed into one of jeno’s spare perfect yellow hufflepuff sweaters

the both of you sat in front of the warm fire shivering

jeno had an arm around your shoulder holding you close

and he wouldn’t stop looking at you with a perfect smile

“wow” jeno sighed and you looked at him 

“what?” you asked with a small laugh

“i’ve just wanted this for so long”

“yeah”

“yeah me too”

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

he was still perfect

but maybe

just maybe

you didn’t really hate him after all

━━ *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* *✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ* 

[nightswithkookmin]

What you think of fetus V who said in front of everyone "You seem to really like men" to Jimin? Youthful ribbing? Or a moment of insensitivity ? FWI saying you like girls or guys? Or calling close same sex friends u a couple? is actually common where am from. This has happened in my friend circle too actually. Except all of us are hets so no one take it seriously. Cant think a closeted person would find it that funny. Jimins lack of denial or even laughing it off always stood out to me tho.

What do I think of that comment?

I think we both know very often when people say they think a man likes men, they mean to say they think that man is Gay and very often when the g-word is used in a sentence, it is not meant as a compliment- imma give it to you straight, no bs. Lol.

The parlance gay and variations of it, in my opinion, is often used ubiquitously and traditionally as a slur slang among ignorant, non-progressive, anti homosexual individuals and is often rooted in malice.

And when malice isn't intended, ridicule is. The sad fact is, people adopt the terminology as ammunition to blatantly attack, dehumanize, belittle and strip away the dignity of queer folks and when the term is used in reference to non queer people it has a similar effect. It degrades them as well through the irony and humor of comparing them to gay people.

Gay jokes, if you will, is a subtle art of passive aggressively slurring gay folks if you think about it. I mean let's be honest.

Personally, I don't think Tae's intentions in that moment were malicious at all. I don't think he blurted out those words with the intension to ridicule Jimin either- stay with me. It will make sense in a bit.

But he called Jimin gay nevertheless. His comment if a joke, I'm afraid, reinforces these bizzare stereotypes of masculinity and promotes toxic rhetorics prevalent especially within Kpop shipping communities where every Male idol interaction is hyper sexualised and romanticized thus, suggesting a man cannot love another man, be affectionate or be fond of them unless they secretly lusted after them and harbored a desire to lay down pipes in their behinds- which, honestly is crazy coming from a guy with a cultural background such as the Korean culture where kinship is commonplace but more on that later.

I think whatever which way we want to look at it, it was an insensitive comment especially if you believe he meant it as a joke. It was definitely not his most woke moment, socially and culturally- and that's putting it lightly.

That 'gay' comment to me is right up there with all the problematic statements some, if not all, of the members have made over the years- the colorism, racist jokes, the ' eww, you too black,' 'akekeke- you too tanned shoo,' implying if you're black or tanned you are ugly. The fat jokes, the misogyny and misogynior- please don't ask me to give you examples of these. I don't want to ruin BTS for you. Lol.

There are commentaries on these out there on the internet. You can look it up for yourselves- You welcome. Lol.

For the record, BTS have since retracted, acknowledged and apologized for most of these questionable moments throughout the years and so we cannot hold it against them, forever- not to make excuses for them but they are human too. They learn, they unlearn, they make mistakes, they correct them, they grow and as NamJoon said, they really were a bit 'unsophisticated' and rough around the edges in their earlier years- even if it was just five years ago from now, chilee. They is a mess. Lmho.

I think it's all part of the human process honestly- don't worry BTS, I have a lot of space in my heart for y'all to be human and still love ya. Keep going sweeties. Y'all's doing greatness de la grande kind!! Bless y'all.

In V's case he was, since that incident, put as a judge on a show that allegedly featured queer folks and he seemed more welcoming of them than the other judges on the panel, excluding RM of course.

A year later, he would make a song that the LBGTQ plus fraction of Army would rally behind as a highly pro gay song- Stigma, which I find debatable but whatever. I mean, just because JK has stars, clouds and the sky in his lyrics don't make him an astronaut or an environmentalist fighting the good cause for the climate but to each his own.

Stigma was still something, I'll give him that.

Flashforward to five years later, and he would be recommending songs by gay artists, appreciating and promoting gay art and the artists behind them, sporting rainbow outfits, designing a BT21 character that is genderless, incorporating sign language in his speeches- he polished up. Woke the hell up. Politically correct. Yadda yadda yadda.

I think, like some of the others, he too learned his lesson. It's not ok to trivialize the oppression of others or make light of it-

Now that we've gotten the woke bit out of the way, on to our shipping business. Follow me, chop chop. Lol.

Firt of all, I don't think that moment is a big deal. But I find it interesting nonetheless.

Do I think Tae was teasing Jimin in that moment when he made that statement? It's not quite easy as yes or no.

Personally, I think he was clocking him.

This interview was conducted at a point in the timeline where I feel Jimin was shedding his image as the Maknae obsessed hyung in the group. He was coming into his own and embracing himself for who he is and that I think included his sexuality.

Prior to, he had in my opinion, since debut, slipped into the role of the queer jest of the group supplying queer humor and entertainment for listeners at radio shows by offering himself up for ridicule as the 'gay guy' within the group- I hated every bit of it. Lol.

You'd often hear the members refer to him as the one good with the guys, the boy in love with the Maknae- There is still a fraction of Army that see him as this persona but he has since outgrown that label and that phase.

RM was basically the Black jest of the group, offering himself up for ridicule for his darker skin tone right down to his blaccent. Can you do your black accent? They will ask him at interviews and he would proceed to deliver a walmart version of the Black American English. Sigh.

Compared to the previous year where he literally gasped and panicked when the members hinted at his sexuality or made statements that put his sexuality into question, Jimin seemed more in control and mentally prepared during this interview.

When the question was asked of him, the question of why he liked JK, his instincts it seemed was to steer the conversation away from his sexuality- a tactic the rest of the members would employ to avoid discussing Jikook a few months from that interview...

I mean, when Tae asked Jimin on JK's birthday that same year what he wanted to give JK, RM cut in before JM answered. Jimin had done the same thing when in an interview JK was asked if Jimin wasn't his style and JK was stuttering not knowing what to say in response. JM asked him not to answer the question.

When interviewers ask these questions, they do so for entertainment purposes- because who doesn't like gay jokes, amirite?

For heterosexual idols I assume it's not slippery slope for them to engage in these kinds of humor. They can play gay without risking exposing their heterosexuality and when they do play gay it's for jest.

It's not the same for queer idols I think.

Jimin was basically done being the butt of the gay jokes in 2015, he was done selling himself as the JK shit rainbows and I'm the unicorn fixated on him kinda person and it reflected in that conversation.

'I don't like everything about this boy. He ain't all that. But he is the Maknae and he cute so whatever' lol.

Like I said, I think Jimin was steering the conversation away from his sexuality but Tae's comment steered the conversation right back to it. 'I just think he likes men.'

Most South Koreans I've met in person and on the internet spend a considerable amount of time and energy trying to dispel the western notion of gayness projected on to Korean men for their skinship culture.

We like to glamorize gayness in these streets but in reality gay is stigmatized especially in places like South Korea. People don't readily read gay in Male interactions unless they were being homophobic or socially unaware.

To me, Tae's statement was more of an observation about Jimin, one which he felt a need to contribute to the discussion they were having, perhaps to provide insight into the inner workings of Jimin rather than as a joke or jest- or may be he did both.

Jimin managed to avoid opening himself up for the gay jokes and to this Tae then responded, I just think you is gay sir- The emphasis has been mine. Lol.

The thing about Tae is, in the earlier days he used to have a habit of 'exposing' Jimin whenever Jimin told half truths and what not.

For example, in 2014 during an interview when JM was asked what he wanted to do on his free days he had said he wanted to spend time with his family or something and Tae immediately checked him saying he was lying. Jimin then said he wanted to be with Jungkook which had JK fuming.

Was he teasing JM when he called him out for lying about his true desires? May be but I think he meant it too. Know what I mean?

He did the same thing when during their Paris VLive, Jimin got nervous when JK was singing 'know you love me boy, so that I love you,' in the background and Tae asked Jimin if he was nervous. Jimin snapped out of whatever whipped trance he was in and asked 'why would I be nervous' or something along those lines.

Why would Tae assume JM was nervous listening to another man sing? And why would Jimin be nervous in the first place?

And if at an interview Jimin is asked, why don't you like listening to the Maknae sing and JM responded that he is cute but he can't sing and Tae says well I think listening to Jk sing makes him nervous- would that be youthful ribbing or tea? Do you see where I'm going with this?

I see Tae as very observant- If not more observant than Jk. Their jokes are punchier because it is rooted in truth. He is stating his opinion, his observations and when he felt JM's answers were dishonest or inconsistent of his general notion of him, he called him out on that.

It's like him saying JM likes to pretend to be drunk in order to tell Tae he loves him- allegedly. Was it funny, yes. Was it a lie? I don't think so.

Jimin likes to pretend, we been knew. His boyfriend don spilled that tea already. I mean Jk said JM faked being asleep when he noticed the cameras filming him. He said also JM knows he is cute so sometimes he intentionally acts cute.

Tae used to tease Jimin a lot- hell he still teases him a lot to this day. Lol. Had Jimin looking at the back of his head like he wanted to quick punch him in the throat in the recent run, chilee. Lmho.

But you gotta ask, where is the lie in all those jokes?

The question I ask myself, and I think we ought to ask ourselves as shippers is, what about Jimin gave Tae that impression of him in the first place?

What made Tae, coming from a culture and background where 'gay' is a taboo and skinship is prevalent assume that if Jimin liked JK then it was because he liked men or was gay?

Even if Tae meant it as a Joke- no one laughed. Lol. That awkward silence that ensued... now that's how you know he had deadass made a 'gay comment' for real. Lmho.

They were all silent, waiting for JM's response and only laughed when JM responded to Tae- isn't that how it usually goes when you are the one queer person at the het dinner table? The tasteless jokes, awkward silences and stares? Just me? Oh, never mind then. Keep reading. Lol.

Imagine if JM hadn't responded or had gay panicked like he did a year before that interview, when RM revealed JK had been sneaking into JM's bed at night?

Dude was legit ready to throw JK under the bus had it not been for the shady camera guy behind the cameras. Deadass, Jimin was pointing accusing fingers at JK and everything- so much for gay love. Lmho.

The question still remains, what makes you look at your heterosexual friend and go- hey, that's gay. Think about it.

If Tae thought Jimin liked men, even as a joke, it's probably because Jimin had been giving him a reason or reasons to believe he actually liked boys beyond the usual daily doze of gay prevalent within K-culture.

It's similar to JK feeling uncomfortable when Jimin in 2014 described their relationship as one between love and friendship. Jimin responding with male friends can love eachother too without being gay would imply JK was interpreting his words and actions towards him as laced with romantic and sexual subtext or intent.

Now why would JK assume this if men touching men and feeling up on eachother in their culture was a normal thing?

There are gay men in Korea you know?

Tae and Kook were both hyper aware and curious of Jimin's sexuality in that period- for different reasons of course. In my opinion.

Not sure if Jimin's androgynous features played a role in these suspicions and assumptions they had of him in the early days because androgynousity in men is often ignorantly profiled and stereotyped as queer.

Tae seemed convinced JM was queer at least and JK was projecting his own queerness on to Jimin a lot- cough, cough.

It seemed to me also that Tae for whatever reason had the impression JM had a thing for him? I'll save my VMin agenda for delulu Fridays but chilee I don't know, Jimin has been on an agenda to friendzone that man since those manly mans thawed off his chest. Lol.

VMIN... ok.

I mean Jimin's response to Tae was more to deflate Tae's ego than to deflect or evade the issue and I wonder why. 'You are so full of yourself' 'I may like men, but I don't like you' and Tae responds with 'really' as if he's been challenged or dared- ever had your straight friends assume you like them just because you are queer?

Anywho, for whatever reason, Jimin seemed to be the only member in the group around the early days whose words and actions were put through the queer litmus test.

Also, I think a distinction ought to be made between calling two same sex friends a couple and calling them gay.

Calling two friends a couple is inconsequential- except when their sexuality is on the line. Calling two same sex friends you know are straight a couple is nothing but a gay joke.

BTS do this all the time. Jimin called Namjin a couple, Tae kook a couple, himself and Suga a couple, himself and JK a couple.

Jk has equally referred to others within the group as a couple, made heart signs above them, and have even held his chest and said he never thought he would fall for a guy.

In none of these instances did he or any of them imply that they or the persons they were referring to were queer or liked men and I wouldn't make much of such comments.

When JK was called out for gifting a present to Jimin and not the others, Tae teased JK as well and his gestures implied to me, 'it's ok to like him, I know you like him, you like JM don't you, uWu' and other variations of these.

But he in no way hinted at the sexuality of JK explicitly or implicitly- not in a way that prompts a response or rebuttal from JK like it did in Jimin's case.

I guess what I'm saying is that, that moment is nothing but something at the same time. You look at Tae's personality and his reputation within the group as the one with no filter who blurts out things that often has BTS running helter skelter- that 'I want to see your children" comment at Festa almost gave RM an aneurysm. Lmho.

Then they had to literally take his mic away from him when he started talking about meeting a pretty chick or something at a fansigns.

You consider the history between him and Jimin, the context behind that comment and the things that was said after that comment- the interviewer said 'well JK is really handsome...' which means he took the 'joke' Tae had made to mean JM had romantic interest in JK- something I feel JM was trying to avoid.

I don't think Tae meant anything by it. I don't think he knew at the time JM was queer but I do believe he suspected he was.

Hope this helps,

Signed,

GOLDY

[afoolforatook]

On fandom and tragic romance tropes, from someone who's lived it.

Okay, this is kind of…. Idk a very specific vent and tbh one I feel kinda bad about because I genuinely don’t want to make people feel bad for liking reading/writing romantic angst or tragedy and it’s really less of an individual issue than an overall attitude in fandom.

Like, it’s absolutely okay to like not happy endings, and angst doesn’t have to just be for cathartic relief. Angst isn’t only acceptable if it’s to process trauma, you’re allowed to like it just because that’s your taste.

But at the same time…. I can’t help but have very personal feelings about how a lot of fandom spaces treat tragic romance tropes…

(this got really long but... it's something I've wanted to address for a long time)

I'm far from secretive with the fact that when I was 20, my girlfriend Emma (19) was killed in a car crash, along with her younger brother, mother, and aunt, and that a lot of my art and writing is purposefully about processing and accepting that grief. Fandom has been a very important part of how I’ve gotten through the last five years, which I’ll get into a bit more in a minute, but tbh it’s also been a lot harder navigating fandom and especially anything ship-related since Emma died, because of how people tend to romanticize a character tragically losing a partner.

And honestly, it’s not just fandom, it’s media in general. And mainstream media focus on tragic sob stories, shock factor, and BYG tropes is definitely a big part of the problem.

But as much as fandom pushes against mainstream overuse of such tropes, there is a good portion of fandom that falls into the same type of issue. And not just ‘fandom’ in the usual sense, but literary communities, poetry, etc…

The amount of times I see stories or prompts about characters tragically losing their partner, and that being the climax of the story, and then next to nothing about that character actually navigating their grief or being able to eventually start a new relationship or just be happy is just…. It makes me feel physically ill.

Like, people saying how tragic love stories are more interesting than happy endings. Or seeing a post about tragic pairing prompts and people saying things like ‘or they think it's unrequited but then A dies and B finds a letter confessing and they really loved each other but now it's too late’ and more people being like ‘YES YOU GET IT THAT'S THE GOOD STUFF’

Just… really, honestly. It's okay to like angst, even really tragic angst. I’m not trying to guilt anyone out of that.

I just….. Most of the time people just talk about it like ‘oh yeah I love some of that good tragic love story shit’ and the stories focus on the build-up and the shock/trauma of the death as it happens and then the excruciating reaction of the survivor and then maybe a time jump to show them happy again.

But very rarely do people take the time to actually handle the grief. People like the good cry of a character mourning their partner, but the vast majority of creators and fans rush through or skip over everything after the initial drama and aftermath. The ‘tragedy’ is the only part they focus on, and then the story ends and they move on.

And like. Shit. I liked that stuff too, I wrote some of it, years ago. And I’m not saying you can’t ever just leave it there, or that if you want to write tragic romance you always have to explore all the long-term emotional consequences.

But try to have it in mind, to consider what message countless grief narratives that end after the funeral, or maybe a few weeks or months later, teach people about real-life grief. This goes for any kind of grief narrative, but the one I see most, the one I used to ‘enjoy’ most myself, is romantic.

But, after having actually lived it? And knowing I'll have to live the rest of my life as the part of the story that usually isn’t told? It turns my stomach the way it’s often handled.

Like seeing people gush about how angsty a fic/idea is, and ‘OH MY GOD SO SAD CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW TRAGIC HOW DARE YOU. I LOVE SEEING/PUTTING THEM THROUGH SO MUCH PAIN’ gets a bit uncomfortable.

Not because there’s something inherently wrong with ever reacting like that, but because most often I can turn around and have the same people not know how to react when I tell them about Emma, not know how to handle the same grief they were just gushing over in fiction, when it’s real.

Grief is isolating enough on its own, but then it just doesn’t feel great when the worst thing to ever happen to you is a huge trope that people gush over, while very rarely fleshing out the actual reality of what it feels like to go through that or how to respond to someone actually dealing with grief, and eventually having to deal with your own grief.

Tbh it’s why I really just kinda have an aversion to the word ‘angst’ in general, and don’t really like to refer to my own writing as angst, even though I know plenty of people might think of it as such. So much of fandom's handling of ‘angst’ has come to feel like voyeuristic tourism of the grief I deal with every day, and will for the rest of my life.

Just, I know people are always going to like tragic angsty romance, and that’s fine, and honestly, it's not even an issue of individuals, but of how fandom in general treats it.

And again, I really don’t want to make anyone feel bad for liking it, and it has its purposes. And even when it’s not for catharsis, it's okay to just like sad stories just because.

I just… I wish more people would keep in mind that it’s not just a tearjerker story trope. People really go through this. And they then often end up feeling very isolated because people around them don't know how to react to their grief, because their grief makes things awkward and a mood killer.

Like, if you love this kind of angst (and not because you personally relate to it or find it cathartic, but just because, just for fun) but then feel awkward around people talking about their real-life grief, maybe spend some time with that, and think about the topic as a real-world trauma and not just a dramatic story trope. (this doesn’t just go for grief. Any kind of trauma you don’t personally deal with, if you love reading/writing it but avoid actually listening to people talking about their real-life experiences with it, think about why that is.)

I just hate seeing loss and initial dramatic grief responses being this shock factor/tearjerker trope, without ever really seriously addressing long-term grief. Especially when it doesn't even do a time jump or anything, and just ends on the surviving character being forever destroyed; when it focuses on the idea of how sad it is for your favorite character to have to spend the rest of their life alone.

And that’s not even folding in any kind of BYG/queer tragedy tropes in canon or fandom spaces.

And like… on a much more individual, less practical point, I just… there’s nothing wrong with angst but honestly (and especially for characters whose canon is in no way tragic) every time I see it I just want to scream WHY…. Why do that to them!? I’m not saying you have to stop, or that you’re not allowed to write trauma you don’t deal with personally. But I will never not cringe a bit at the ‘painful enjoyment’ of a character going through the traumatic loss of a partner. And it’s a sentiment I don’t really see people being okay with in regards to any other kind of trauma.

I don’t have actual numbers, but it sure feels like fandom treats stories about romantic grief very differently than most other traumas. Other trauma, even other kinds of grief, like a close friend or a sibling or parent, etc. tend to at least try to touch on a theme of recovery, or that the emotional turmoil being covered isn’t just a fun angsty trope to spend a little time in and then move on. And of course, this isn’t universal and plenty of people don’t handle these other traumas respectfully or as anything more than dramatic fuel, but this is the trend I’ve personally seen in over 10 years of tumblr fandom. And to that point, even when traumas aren’t respectfully handled I’ve at least seen people try to bring attention to that, with posts about how to respectfully handle disability or addiction or mental health or abuse. I can’t remember off the top of my head a single post like that about grief, let alone specifically romantic grief. It seems to be commonly accepted that while most kinds of trauma can be explored, but still handled respectfully, the death of a partner can just be done for the Drama. People tend to try to learn about abuse or addiction experiences before attempting big angsty stories addressing that. But doomed romance and a grief-stricken lover (it feels like, in my experience) are much more likely to happen on a whim.

Generally, it feels like other kinds of trauma, while still part of ‘angst’ also keeps a sense of awareness of how that narrative reflects real people’s experiences. It’s not just heavy because it’s big dramatic fictional angst, but because it’s grounded in real-life trauma that everyday people who come across it might relate to. Like... I just feel like a lot of fandom spaces treat ‘major character death’ and tragic romantic trope tags as just filters, like they’re needed because ‘not everyone likes angst, it’s just not their thing’ without really acknowledging that it’s a real trauma that everyday people deal with, where (again, often, but of course far from always, and certainly not in mainstream) other tws and tags like assault or substance abuse, people understand that people they interact with might really deal with those issues and they try to not just use them as dramatic fodder and to portray them respectfully.

But grief, especially romantic grief, seems different. The number of people who will come across a fic or edit or piece of art about a tragic love story, and will have had that personal experience of losing a partner, is much lower than people with real experiences with abuse, or addiction, or mental illness. That’s not a bad thing. I wish none of you ever have to know what that feels like.

But because of that, tragic romance ends up seeming like this distant thing. Like it’s only in dramatic tv shows or movies or literature, or lives solely in angsty fandom spaces as a way to get out a good cry. It seems grand and Tragic, off in its own world of dramatic emotional story tropes.

It’s solely pretty dark edits put to song lyrics, or striking art, or beautifully written prose that rips your heart out. It’s Tragic Romance.

And there’s nothing wrong with that inherently. But for many people, it seems like that is what it becomes: fiction. An angsty trope.

I genuinely hope that’s all it ever is for all of you. I wish I could ensure that that good angsty hurt will only ever be a trope you visit when you need a good cry.

But it’s not just fiction.

It's not just angst for sake of drama or fun or poetic storytelling. It’s not grand or romantic or beautifully tragic.

It’s unbearable. It’s physical pain.

That’s not exaggeration or metaphor. It sneaks up on me out of nowhere and it literally feels like someone is crushing my chest. I’ve nearly broken my hand punching a wall because I needed to make something hurt more than this thing in my chest that isn’t even actually there but it hurts so much.

Tbf I think a lot of my attitude towards this really stems more from fandom trends from when I was younger, and I think a lot more people actually try to flesh out grief more these days. But I just remember so much tragic romantic fic and fandom love from when I was a teenager that didn’t go deeper than ‘look how heartbreaking this is it’s so sad, I wanna make everybody read it and cry and it’s just fun and a story, oh my god I couldn't live with that’

no, of course I don't have a few specific old fics or posts from like superwholock days in mind, that I used to gush over too, and now just the idea of makes me feel actually sick

Idk… like I said. I don't at all want to make anyone feel bad for liking that type of angst, and I feel kind of bad for criticizing it. It just…

It hurts seeing basically your exact situation on angsty prompt lists with people gushing about how good it hurts. Especially when the same people would be (and have been) deer in headlights when they find out you’ve lived the same thing. (Again, this goes for any kind of trauma trope, but most others I’ve seen at least some kind of discussion about before)

Just please, try to be mindful of not just how you write stories about grief, but how you talk about death angst in general. (again, certainly not everyone, but more and more) People know to not just romanticize abuse trauma or addictions or mental illness, and to research, and ask for advice to try to be respectful.

And it’s much more common for someone in fandom spaces, in their teens or 20s or 30s to deal with those sorts of trauma than having experienced losing a partner.

But we exist. And while there is plenty of media out there showing tragic young romance, there is very little (in my experience, after nearly five years of desperately looking) real-world acknowledgment and support, or proof that you’ll be able to survive that kind of loss and still be happy, and even less so if they’re queer.

In a couple of months, it will have been five years since Emma’s death. From day one I have not been private about my loss, whenever possible.

And in five years of saying “When I was 20 my girlfriend died.” to new friends, classmates, potential dates, fandom spaces, therapists, grief support forums, etc… do you know how many other people have told me that they also lost a partner as a young adult, whether queer or straight, by accident or suicide or illness?

Zero.

No one. I’ve had people say how they lost a best friend or a sibling or a parent. And those losses, those kinds of grief are certainly not any less traumatic than the loss of a partner. But even in real life, they’re different. Losing a partner, especially at a very young age when it’s likely your main romantic experience, has different emotional effects, and can be harder to find people who directly relate.

Five years. Zero people dealing with the specific facets of grief as me.

The ONLY times I have ever heard about stories like mine in real life are either the rare article or essay or celebrity story, of which I can probably easily count on two hands.

All the other representation I’ve found is in mainstream fiction and fandom.

And of those stories, those fics, that art, the vast majority have had the partner die in the last half, probably closer to the 75% mark, of the story or arc.

If I’m lucky, that last 25% will focus on the immediate aftermath and grief (especially in fic, while a lot of media might give you a few scenes, and then move on to other character arcs).

If I’m really lucky they’ll show some kind of time jump, to say ‘see, they’re still haunted by their lost love but they’ve tried to move on or can pretend to be happy’.

And so much fandom reception is centered around ‘it’s soooooo SADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD MY POOR HEART IT HURTS SO GOOD. LOVE ME SOME ANGST’, or romanticizing the idea of being unable to live without them, and if they can, it’s often never really putting focus on all the pain it took to process their grief.

Again, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this individually, or that you shouldn’t gush and scream over fic or art or prompts that hook you because of angst. But it adds up really quickly, especially when, even when getting good genuine support from people, you still see no one else actually living with that feeling like you. The only place you find it is stories, and then you see people mostly excited over just how beautifully sad it is.

And that just feels… I can’t explain it honestly.

Just, think about how you react to or talk about fic or prompts or art about a character crying over their partner’s body, or attending their funeral, and think about whether you’d feel appropriate doing the same if instead, they were dealing with abuse, or addiction, or self-harm.

Again, that’s not to say you can’t ever gush or key smash or such, but is it all you do?

You don’t have to stop enjoying angst and tragic romance. But think about how I just said that.

Enjoy.

Do you only ever act like you ‘Enjoy’ it (and yes, this includes the ‘I’m such a masochist I just love to cry over them, it’s emotional release that doesn’t trigger me’ reaction), and romanticize it?

It’s fine to, sometimes. But do you also appreciate it, and try to understand the real-world weight of it? Do you know what you’d say to a friend if they told you they’d lost a partner?

That ‘love me some good angst’, Dramatic grief, being the main fandom attitude doesn’t just hurt me or others who have lost people close to them, partners or not.

A big part of fandom, and of just society, has no idea how to deal with grief, their own or others. It’s not a light conversation topic, it makes people feel awkward, or walk on eggshells around you, or tell you how they can’t possibly imagine having to go through that (btw, y'all don’t say this to people. About grief, or trauma, or disability or anything like that, just don’t. I’m begging you. And a rant about that kind of thing is for another day but... )

And then, when people inevitably face some form of major grief themselves, they feel ashamed for not handling it ‘right’.

It hurts, to try to find some acknowledgment of your grief, and only ever see stories that show just the first few weeks or months; the feeling of it never possibly being anything but constantly excruciating. Stories that end on ‘they were alone and sad and that is what their story, their love, will live on as; Tragic’. Or, that skip all the work and the doubt and the backsliding, and just show years down the road, when they’ve got a whole new life, and that grief, that love, is just a sad memory that they have ‘moved on’ from. Just a tiny trinket call back.

It feels impossible to survive, to ever be happy again, when you never see grief being treated as more than a tragic story point. And then, as you try your hardest to keep going, to process and heal, and connect to new people, while not forgetting the person you love, not letting them just become your tragic backstory, you see people gush over tragic love stories, over how romantic it is, over how characters loved each other so much they couldn’t live without them. (Thankfully a good bit of fandom seems to be pulling away from this, but it’s still common)

And, if that’s what it is to lose a partner, your soulmate… then… then how am I able to keep living? Even as painful as it is? If true love means not being able to live without the other person, does that mean I didn’t, I don’t, actually love them enough? Am I selfish for still actually wanting to live the rest of my life, even with this pain of the person I love being gone?

Would people read my, our, story and ‘enjoy’ it? Would they find this romantic? Would they scream over a prompt based on the worst event in my life, and have a good cry, and then move on, thinking how sad and beautifully tragically romantic that story would be? Would this person I love and miss more than anything, become just a Tragedy? Just an angsty sob story to gush about how wonderfully painful it was? Would it become about only my pain and heartbreak, and not about the cruelty of this other complete, unique, independent person who was robbed of their entire future?

Maybe that seems melodramatic or putting too much weight on tropes, or fandom. But remember.

Five years.

Zero real people saying ‘I’ve been there too’.

The only places I have seen my grief reflected (beyond a rare celebrity interview, or article) is in fiction, and mostly in fandom.

For over a decade I’ve seen people key smash and gush over angsty ships in fic and art, and I was one of them for a long time.

And then, when it became real life for me, all too often (not always, of course) people wouldn’t know how to handle my real grief. Even when I didn’t want to grieve, but wanted to remember all the reasons I love Emma. My real-life moments of ‘fluff’ that I cling to, become uncomfortable when they know the ‘angst’ to come.

And I don’t blame them. I’m not angry at them for not knowing what to say, for walking on eggshells. They’re not cruel for that, they’re not unsympathetic, it’s not that they just don’t try.

Because, if I’ve found so few real-world stories about this kind of grief, after looking so hard for so long, how can I expect them to have had much more luck?

If the only places I find stories about grief never focus on the reality of life after the funeral, and the process of not moving past, but learning to handle grief, then how can I expect broader fandom to know how to be comfortable around the ugly, boring, repetitive, not at all romantic parts of that grief?

Just, yes. Write, read, love your angst. But please just remember that ‘tragic love story’ happens to people, and while plenty of people might not want to read it because it’s just not their thing, or too depressing, there are those who see those dramatic prompt scenarios, and personally relate to them (I quite often say the events around Emma’s death read like a heavy-handed soap opera, or Queer Tragedy movie, and had had plenty of people agree, even before hearing all the details. And I have literally seen multiple prompts of ‘best friends secretly have feelings for each other, and then finally confess, only to get a short bit of happiness before one dies tragically’)

Write, read, love your angst, your tragic love stories, just please, be as respectful of grief (in any form, but this is mostly a shipping issue in my experience) as you would be (or should be) of other major trigger warnings. Gush and scream about the big dramatic ‘romantic’ tragedies, but don’t then ignore the raw, uncomfortable, vulnerable, cathartic explorations, or the real people dealing with real loss.

Because damn y’all, I’ve seen ‘I just love a good romantic tragedy trope, yes please rip my heart out’ said so many times, with the same tone as saying ‘That fake dating trope, that’s the good stuff’.

I’ve seen people gush over how much more interesting and beautifully cruel it is for young love to end tragically.

And I promise you. It’s not. It just fucking sucks. It’s not romantic or tragically beautiful or poignant. It’s devastating. And it goes on for so much longer than that last quarter of the story.

My grief is more than an angsty prompt. Our relationship, my love for her, is more than a dramatic sob story, more than just awkward sadness that kills the mood. Emma’s life, her memory, is more than my tragic backstory.

I want to be able to find my story in more than just fiction, I want to be able to get support from people who live with similar grief.

But I also want to see grief in fiction, in fandom, become more than a final character arc or Tragic love story; used for dramatic effect; grand and huge for a moment and then never fully processed, or mentioned again; just tragically romantic and heartbreaking and soooo good and angsty.

Grief is one of the only things we will all have to face throughout our lives.

I’m not just asking you to respect my grief or the grief of those around you. But your own future grief. I don’t want you to get there and feel like your grief is wrong, or means that you didn’t love someone ‘enough’ because it doesn’t manifest in a certain way.

Learning to accept grief; to be comfortable around raw, unpoetic, grief; to not hold up certain expressions of grief as Romantic or Poetic, but just honest, will eventually be personally useful for all of us, as much as I wish it wouldn’t.

I want my grief, everyone’s grief, to be seen, and understood, not just romanticized and dramatized.

My love story, Emma’s love story, isn’t beautifully tragic. It isn’t more interesting or poetic than a happy ending. The pain that I will carry with me for the rest of my life is not romantic.

But it is important.

[ravenhilarious]

sometimes I fear that Logan is becoming the Hermione of this fandom

elaboration under the cut. this will discuss the Harry Potter fandom, the sanders sides fandom, and some comparisons of my personal issues within them. there are some mentions of violence, abuse, bigotry, and death, and it is very long.

that’s what they said

disclaimer: I love Harry Potter even if jk is a bigot, I love Hermione, I love sanders sides which fortunately is not created by a bigot, I love Logan, so there’s no intended negativity about any of these

now, back to the point. I repeat: I fear that Logan is becoming the Hermione of this fandom

which should be a good thing, because I love Logan and I love Hermione. being “the Hermione” shouldn’t be seen as something negative, but the reason I'm referring to it as that is:

there was a time where Fanon Hermione basically became, for a lack of a better term, a Mary Sue (I know this term can have problematic and misogynistic elements but I couldn’t find a better way to describe it)

lots of it was based on the movie adaption’s version of her. lots of her flaws were either stripped away or justified – she became more fearless and confident, her condescending attitude towards mainly Harry and (especially) Ron was exaggerated, and, again, seemed more justified here. and of course, it didn’t help that she was played by the gorgeous Emma Watson. 

then came the fandom portrayal of her. while her movie counterpart was definitely more “perfectilized” (is that a word? now it is) than her book counterpart, she still had elements of being a teenager, and, well, a human. but on the internet, there were so many claims of her being the sole reason that Harry was alive, and that she was way out of Ron’s league, and lots of other stuff. if you’re in any way familiar with the Harry Potter fandom around... well, anywhere before like 2016, really, you probably know what I'm talking about. she was basically this “perfect does everything right keeps saying everyone the best at everything” kind of character. that was kinda annoying, both to people who didn’t care that much for Hermione as a character in the first place, and for the people who enjoyed her (more flawed and realistic) book counterpart

and don’t even get me started on the dr4m10ne shippers who claimed that “she deserves better than Ron (or Harry, or Neville, [heteronormativity was still a big thing back then] or really anyone who treated her with respect) and dr4c0 would be so much better for her!” 

and oof, the “Hermione joins the dark side” au’s where her actions were still justified by the narratives (why would a muggleborn join the people that discriminate against her lol)

during the last few years, she’s gotten some backlash because of this. more potter heads started realizing her flaws, or stopped justifying them. the shocking realization that the fan favorite was not perfect made a large part of the fandom go in the opposite direction. which I understand.

now, I am still able to enjoy the (canon) character Hermione Granger, despite the sue-ification she went through (maybe it’s the autism that helps me not to get so affected by public opinion, idk), but not everyone is that lucky. so many potter heads had gotten a very good character ruined for them, which is sad.

I don’t want the same thing to happen to Logan Sanders. 

Now, he wasn’t always one of the faves – in an early episode, he literally gets told that he’s the least popular character in the series (which does get played off as a joke, but I assume – I wasn’t in the fandom back then, so please correct me if I'm wrong – that for many fanders back then, that was very much the case) and I wouldn’t say he’s a “fan favorite” the same way that Hermione used to be. 

however, he has by now gained quite a large fanbase here on Tumblr. which is great! I, myself, really enjoy Logan, and most of his fans are really cool.

but there are some stans who, in my opinion, have started to give him The Hermione Treatment. who claim that he is the one constantly helping Thomas. who feel the need to bash some of the other sides in order to prove that Logan is the best. the main complaint being that “they ignore/silence him too much”. and yes, they definitely don’t listen to him nearly as much as they could and should. I agree with that.

what I don’t agree with is when fanders start wishing for him to “snap” at the others. I'm putting “snap” in quotation marks, because what they usually mean is just him straight up verbally abusing them, sometimes being physically violent toward them. all because they... didn’t pay enough attention to him? 

it gives me the same vibes as when Hermione’s acts of violence (I'm talking about, like, the bird attack toward Ron or the acne scars she forced on Marietta Edgecombe [another thing that got removed in the movie adaption], not the “fighting death eaters” parts) were considered “girl power” or something by the internet. 

now, I'm not saying that Logan in canon is super aggressive and violent, but he definitely has his moments – and that’s fine. a character does not have to be nice 24/7. but the fandom seems to, idk, romanticize (for lack of a better word) these moments, his outbursts of anger and violence, both the canon and Fanon ones. 

furthermore, there seems to be a double standard, in that lots of the things he’s praised for or that gets ignored about him, are the exact same things that would (or do) get criticized when other sides do it.

Patton gets flack for being controlling and guilt-tripping the others, which, yes, that is true, but Logan can also be controlling (Growing Up, Why Do We Get Out Of Bed In The Morning, arguably in Moving On too) and guilt-tripping (”not that any of you care, but I am unharmed” in Putting Others First)

Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that fanders have started seeing the less perfect aspects of morality. Even cinnamon rolls can do not so nice things at times.

Roman is considered to be too proud and condescending, and yeah, he is, he is literally Thomas’ ego. But Logan? “I know I'm smarter than everyone else”? nuff said.

Virgil gets criticized for being too aggressive, and boy is that true, but again, you can not bash one character for a trait that you praise (or even wish more of) in another character.

now, I know that there are fanders who also give Virgil a free pass for violence etc. (he was the ultimate Fan Favorite for a very long time), but they seem to be fewer today than they used to be – which is great! it’s just sad that instead of disappearing completely, this character treatment has now moved towards Logan.

(funnily enough, these certain Logan Stans tend to be less critical of Janus’ and Remus’ flaws too, which I will cover later on)

no, I do not want Logan to be flawless, just like I don’t want Hermione to be. I just wish this double standard wasn’t so common in the fandom.

unlike with Hermione, however, the narrative (and the writers) doesn’t seem to favor him over the others – the sides get a relatively equal treatment in that way. but the biggest problem with Hermione was not the writing, or even the movie adaption (though that definitely played a factor too), but rather the fandom. the fandom was the one who claimed Hermione to be some perfect goddess, talented in every way, too good for this world, etc. And I really don’t want this to happen with Logan!

another parallel I'll bring up is the “going dark” thing, more specifically, “going dark because the light is not good enough for me”. I mentioned dr4m10ne earlier, and Hermione joining the death eaters because Harry and Ron and the rest of the “good guys” weren’t good enough. not smart or talented enough. didn’t appreciate her enough. because Ron would at times make fun of her nerdiness, because they sometimes bickered. 

but for some reason, these dr4m10ne shippers and dark!Hermione Stans would gloss over the fact that Dr4c0 made fun of her heritage and that the death eaters literally fought for genocide of people like her (which, imo, is a bit more serious than “haha ur a nerd”)

similarly, it’s become common to head canon Logan “becoming a dark side”. now, I am in no way trying to imply that “the dark sides” are in any way similar to death eaters, or that Janus and Remus are anything like Dr4c0.

but there seems to be, yet again, a double standard. Patton, Roman, and Virgil ignore or silence or under appreciate Logan? oh yes, they definitely do. 

but so do Janus and Remus. I see so many au’s of Logan joining the “dark sides” because they are more likely to listen to and appreciate him, which, if we go by canon... is not true? Janus literally excluded Logan from the courtroom, and Remus has repeatedly threatened and physically harmed Logan because he didn’t like what he was saying. but people gloss over that because ????? 

I don’t really have a conclusion or anything, I just wanted to get this out

[mnthpprt]

Chapter 27: To Be A Mistake

[WARNING: Mentions of suicide, self harm, and disordered eating]

[Here’s a super angsty chapter that’s been on my mind for a while. It goes without saying that I do not condone any of the things mentioned above, and even though my MC engages in them, she is far from perfect, and definitely not an example to follow. As someone who has struggled with these things in the past, I think it is important to portray them realistically and without romanticizing.] 

Our conversation is suddenly interrupted by Mozart barging into the room. The expression on his face is the most emotion I’ve ever seen him show, but I am not happy about it. I can tell that something is wrong.

“It’s Jean,” he says, and I feel the urgency in his tone. Le Comte stands up from his armchair and walks towards Mozart. I follow. “He’s starving himself again. Leonardo is trying to talk him out of it, but it’s taking longer than usual, and I don’t know what to do.”

He’s panicking. Well, as close as someone so stoic can come to it. I reach for his hand and squeeze it tightly to reassure him, and to my surprise, he does not flinch away from my touch like he usually would. This is bad.

“Is he in his bedroom?” I ask. Mozart nods. “Let’s go. Comte?”

“I think it is better for me to stay here,” he explains. “My presence might just make things worse. Jean isn’t exactly fond of me.”

I silently nod and usher Mozart out of the study. He lets go of my hand and begins running through the hallway, in the direction of Jean’s bedroom. Shit, this is really bad. I sprint to catch up to him, and we finally come to a stop in front of Jean’s closed door. I lean on the wall to catch my breath.

Through it, I can hear Leonardo’s voice, pleading for Jean to please drink some rouge before he gets worse. I have not seen what happens to a starving vampire, and I do not want to.

“Stay away from me, you monster!” I hear him yell. “You cannot force me to live like this, I refuse.”

And then, a glass breaks.

Leonardo comes out of the room, closing the door behind him. His eyes look darker than usual. Mozart looks at him for an answer, and he simply shakes his head. It didn’t work.

“I’m going in,” I announce, full of determination. “Wait here. Do not come in.”

Before Leonardo has time to stop me, I slip into the bedroom and lock the door from the inside. It takes a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the dark. The curtains are drawn, blocking what little evening sunlight is left in the sky outside. I spot the source of the noise on the floor: a broken bottle of rouge, shards of glass surrounded by a deep red puddle. Over it stands Jean. His hands are shaking, and his dark blue eye is wide open. Oh no.

“Jean?” I say softly, approaching him like I would a wild animal. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“Please leave,” he mutters. His eye remains fixed on the puddle of blood seeping through the floorboards. “I am cursed, an abomination. I must repent for living a life gifted by the Devil.” He joins his hands and starts to pray, falling to his knees. There are tears on his cheeks. “Forgive me, my Lord, Heavenly Father, for I have sinned. For I have become sin itself-”

I kneel beside him and wrap my arms around his body in an attempt to calm him down. The rouge on the floor is staining my light blue dress, but I do not care. This is more important.

“Jean,” I whisper. “Jean, listen to me. You are not sin. You are not a sinner, okay?” He trails off halfway through his prayer, and his breathing slows almost to its normal pace. “That’s it. Focus on my voice. Good.” 

I gently lower his hands and begin to stroke his hair. Though he is calmer now, he keeps shaking uncontrollably, and the way his eye darts around the room is almost feral, unhinged. Is this what hunger does to him?

“Jean, you need to feed. This can’t go well, for you, or anyone else,” I softly tell him. My right hand keeps running through his hair, which seems to soothe him slightly, while the left reaches for the puddle. I dip two fingers in the rouge and slowly bring them up to his mouth. “Here. Have a drop, at least. It will make you feel better.”

“No!” Jean yells, abruptly pushing me off of him. “This... this is sinful! You will not convince me otherwise,” he snarls at me.

I sigh and get up from the floor. Clearly, talking does not work. At all. I don’t know what else to do. I spot a dagger on his nightstand, and carefully reach for it. I have an idea. An incredibly stupid one, at that, but it is better than nothing. It is better than letting Jean starve himself into oblivion.

“Is this how you want to do it? Fine,” I declare, staring defiantly at him across the room. I push my hair back, baring my neck, and point the sharp blade at my own throat. The metal feels cold against my skin. “It’s either your fangs or the dagger. We both know which option is more likely to kill me. The choice is yours.”

“Anaïs, don’t!” Leonardo yells from outside the room. I hear the clattering of the door handle behind me as he uselessly tries to turn it.

Meanwhile, Jean looks at me, incredulous.

“You wouldn’t,” he says, his voice shaking. I flinch when I press the tip of the dagger into my flesh. I can feel a thin stream of warm blood run from the wound and pool onto my collarbone. Jean gasps.

“You would,” I say, “so what makes you think we’re so different? You have ten seconds. Ten, nine, eight...”

“Stop! This is madness!” He yells at me, unmoving.

I press harder, clenching my teeth. More blood begins pouring out.

“...Four, three, two...”

Finally, he lunges forward and runs towards me before forcing the blade away and sinking his fangs into my neck. My hand lets go of the dagger, which falls onto the wooden floor with a loud clatter, as waves of pleasure expand from the bite like an electric shock through my body. I somehow manage to stay conscious enough to hear Leonardo break down the door and barge in.

“Ahh...! Stay... back...!” I force the words out of my mouth with all the strength I can muster. Leonardo’s footsteps stop. My body goes limp, and I fall into Jean’s strong arms. He holds me upright as I let him drink from me, and my eyelids grow heavy. I slowly become swallowed by darkness, a cold ocean, the waves of which pull me in, dragging me deeper and deeper. I let it take me.

I wake up in my bed and attempt to sit up, but I am too lightheaded, and fall back onto the plush pillows beneath me, uttering a curse in Spanish. 

“Cara mia.” Leonardo’s eyes shoot open and he abandons the chair he was sleeping on to sit on the edge of the bed, by my side.

“How long... was I out...?” I struggle to ask. I try to sit up once again, this time aided by Leonardo. My head is spinning.

“Shhh... Take it easy, cara mia,” he tells me. “You lost a lot of blood.” He tightly holds my hand in his, big and calloused and pleasantly warm. “What were you thinking? You could have died!”

His voice breaks when he says it. It pains me to make him worry like that. I run my thumb over his knuckles as I reassure him.

“I’m fine. See?” I smile. “Where is Jean?”

“Mozart is with him. He had to hold me back, you know? I could not bear the thought of anything happening to you.” He leans down to lay a tender kiss on my forehead.

“Don’t worry about me, Leonardo,” I say. “I knew exactly what I was doing.”

He looks at me with sadness in his eyes and shakes his head.

“Why?” he whispers. “Why did you have to risk your life like that?”

“I did it for Jean.” He does not seem satisfied with my answer. “It’s okay. It’s not my first time...”

“What do you mean, ‘your first time’? Do you want to die, cara mia?”

“For the longest time, I did... I tried to... But then I came here,” I smile. “When I met you, everything changed. Being with you... it makes everything else go away. Dying is no longer the only way to... make it stop.”

I lightly pull on his hand, motioning for him to come closer. When he does, I grab his collar and pull him into a kiss. He returns it gently, as if he is afraid that I will break under his touch. He pulls away, and I speak again.

“At the ball, Mozart and I talked. He said I sounded like Jean,” I recall. “Now I know what he meant. What I did... I would do it again if it meant I could help someone like that, even if it costs me my life. I’ve been there, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.”

“Cara mia,” Leonardo breathes out. “You are too kind for your own good. For the love of God, never scare me like that again, do you hear me?”

I nod and bring his hand to my lips. After I kiss his fingers, he cups my face, and I lean into it, closing my eyes.

“I’m sorry.” I kiss his palm. “I am so sorry for making you worry. I love you too much to make you feel this bad...” The words pour out of my mouth without me even noticing. I am so tired.

“You should rest, amore mio,” he whispers. I lazily nod and drift off to a dreamless slumber.

[garetthawke]

and literally as someone who (like everyone else at that time,) was a fan of john green's books as a teenager...y'all literally never read them and hate them based on your assumptions from reading the synopsis and seeing that the author is an adult man.

are his books above criticism? absolutely not. but the valid parts to criticize are, frankly, never the things i see people calling out. i only ever see his books reduced to a bunch of bullshit assumptions that aren't even close to being true.

paper towns wasn't the manic pixie dream girl romance, it was a deconstruction of that genre that undermined teenage boys' obsessions with girls and their projections onto them, breaking down the idea that you can love someone by holding onto your idea of them without ever really knowing them. the literal end of the book is the "manic pixie dream girl" shutting down the affections of the lead character, telling him he literally doesn't know her, and forcing the reader to realize the romanticized image of her was entirely the perspective you were reading that was all in this kid's head as he obsessed over her.

and yet after the movie trailer dropped, literally the ONLY criticism i saw was "ugh john green has manic pixie dream girl fantasies about teenagers" like hello???? what??? use your fucking brains

and the fault in our stars, while definitely the book that recieves the most fair criticism, also gets some of the most UNfair as well.

please tackle to hell parts like the leading couple kissing at the anne frank museum, bc ugh. but like? do not fucking complain about this book for being a romanticization of cancer or depression.

this book was my absolute FAVORITE as a teen, because i was struggling so deeply with depression, completely alone, and it made me feel seen and understood for the first time in my LIFE. the exploration of depression in it is so on point and personally relatable, i cried my way through most of the book not just because the contents were sad, but because i realized i was not alone in the feelings I've had.

and as someone who has watched multiple family members pass after a long battle with cancer...this book also gets down into some of the ugly truths of what it looks like.

and i don't think that was well recieved, because while doing all that, the book wasn't a hopeless, bleak, "life is pointless pain" message at all, which is what i think people tend to demand out of "realism."

but the point of the book was the yes, life can be ugly and painful and unfair, but you can still Love in the midst of all that, and find incredible purpose in that in the time you are here. and that is ao fucking far from romanticization - it is finding the joy in life that is something to cling to when you are at your lowest.

and that was an incredibly powerful, important thing to tell people, and it really was a an encouragement to me when i was suffering the most.

and the book mostly, to this day, gets belittled because people think some of the lines are pretentious and cheesy (nevermind that they mostly come from a teenage boy, and oh yeah teenage boys are never either of those things. /s)

and idk. it just. annoys me very, very deeply that john green is one of the most outspoken and supportive (verbally AND financially,) of minorities as a very privileged cishet white male celeb, and people refuse to listen to any of the points he makes or good things he says, and assume the actual worst. projecting that shit onto him bc he's a privileged man...doesn't help minorities?? at all???? maybe YOU feel good about yourself, but those of us that would actually benefit from john green's support are left to deal with MORE negativity coming at us from the fake accusations of it than if you would just fairly listen to his supportiveness...

and even like the infamous cock post from years back? yeah that shit wasn't funny AT ALL. the brothers are some of the few privileged white men I've seen to be so supportive of LGBT people, and yet the big joke that "bullied" john on here was seemingly implying that john being gay was embarrassing and funny. that kind of joke is usually rooted in the humor that the person in question IS homophobic and actually upset at being seen as gay, but john is?? an ally??? so where is the joke. how is the joke not "haha it's funny to make a gay post about a straight man"?? how am i, a gay person, supposed to read that "humor" and not think my sexuality is the butt of the joke? especially when it's specifically at someone who supports my sexuality?

you can mock john green all you want, but it's 2021, no one should be believing it's some sort of "woke" humor. you don't have a higher moral ground for it.

[flying-elliska]

S5 Review pt 2 : the Bad

So in my last meta I listed a lot of reasons to like this season...but then why did it not (at least to me) all add up together ?  Looking back, I can think of so many clips that I thought were incredible. But looking back at the season in general, I just feel a big ‘meh’ and it’s sort of puzzling - why exactly ?  Here is where I thought the season could have been a lot better :

I loathe love triangles : I hate the trope in itself. Is S5 the worst example of it ever ? No, it served somewhat of a thematic purpose and the resolution was interesting. But I can’t help it, when I feel a love triangle coming on, I generally disconnect emotionally because I have been annoyed to hell and back by it before - one big offender being Skam France s4, in which the love triangle/quadrangle marked the beginning of the season going down in flames, with it overshadowing everything else and making the characters behave in completely obnoxious and puzzling ways. S5 isn’t quite as bad, it feels more respectful of the characters, but I find it weird that the writers chose a love triangle again on the heels of the reception of s4. 

The problem with this trope is not ‘oh we don’t want drama ever’ it’s just so bloody annoying, so trite and overused. It rests on centuries of sexist tropes : either a wishy washy girl in the middle who doesn’t know what’s good for her/her own heart ; or two girls competing for a man’s attentions. It often ends in the fandom villifying the women involved no matter the shape of the triangle, comparing them against each other, which definitely happened this time (Twitter was just so annoying this season), and this whole ‘team x’ thing gives me hives, as the assumption that this is what young women viewers care most about. 

Also it generally involves the characters showing that they have very little self respect, letting themselves be walked over, bad communication, implications about what the ‘better woman/man’ should be like, cheating, etc...it’s very rarely fun or interesting to watch because we’ve seen it a thousand times before in teenage soap operas. Again, the s5 ending avoided the total trainwreck but this is a show you watch in real time, and for weeks I was afraid it was going to be absolutely terrible, and it ruined a big part of my experience of the season. When they introduced Noée I started being scared, and when it became clear Arthur was developing feelings for her, I basically noped out emotionally. I started following it in a much more detached manner, I wasn’t looking forward to the clips anymore, I stopped writing meta so much. And it sucks. I wanted to love the season. But this was just not a ride I really wanted to be on. 

Alexia (and Noee) deserved better : I love Alexia and developing her character is one of the best things Skam France ever did. In OG, the character of Chris, if interesting, is just continually reduced to the ‘funny fat friend’ persona and it really sucks. So giving Alexia a real personality, making her bisexual, giving her more of a role in s3, making her a dancer and a singer was really cool. I’m bi myself and I spent most of my high school struggling with my weight and if I’d had a character like her, who radiates self-acceptance, it would have meant so much to me. I was really stoked for her to have more of a role in s5 - only to spend most of the season feeling really sad for her. It was just...not fun. I so wish she could have had her own season and her own story that didn’t revolve around a dude she was so supportive of and still ended up treating her like shit. 

Also, real talk : when is a curvy girl actually a love interest without it being shown as funny or not good enough ? Especially of the main character ? Almost never. Coline might have lost some weight, but she’s still written as a curvy girl this season and it’s an important part of the character. So for her to have this particular role this season - the girl that isn’t romanticized, that doesn’t get to have the cute and thrilling moments, that is just sort of there and patient and understanding as if she couldn’t get anything better, it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Sure the end of the season did her more justice but god it took so long and in the meantime, it just felt...very ill considered and careless. 

In the same way, I wanted to love Noée, I thought she was amazing, but because of her role in the plot I just felt this instinctive defiance towards her character. It would have been so cool to have her in a friend role, or even a love interest outside of the triangle or I don’t know like...have someone else fall in love with her. Also, I just did not understand why she loved Arthur ? Like she just met the dude a few times, and he’s mostly been a total asshole to her, who makes very little efforts to communicate with her...I get she could get attracted to him but love ??? The moment where she tells him ‘I love you’ felt demeaning to her, like the moment in OG where Noora falls after running after William. It’s like, Arthur has just been an enormous asshole to her, and she pushes herself to do something she’s never been comfortable with in the first place ? Why ? This show romanticizes teenage boys being assholes and girls being desperate way too much. 

The Skam dilemma, love vs politics and “Let’s all just be nice.” : There is a reoccuring problem accross all Skams, starting with the OG : they bring up very political topics, usually in the beginning of the season, and then they...don’t really do anything with them. In the OG, Noora’s feminism is really just window-dressing and we see her bend over backwards to accomodate this super toxic asshole into her life. And we see Sana’s struggles as a Muslim in Norwegian society, but then love drama takes over, and it’s waved away with an insulting ‘everyone should just communicate more’ ending. Skamfr s4 made it even worse, by making the girl squad a lot more overtly racist, never having them make a big gesture for Imane, putting her in a position to apologize, and never showing that the girl squad had an idea of where they messed up or real growth. It was insanely frustrating, especially since the beginning of the season was so good at showing all the little micro-agressions. In the end it felt like all the racism was just there to motivate Imane’s breakdown for plot reasons and not to actually say something. S5 never stoops quite that low, but there was a bit of a similar dynamic at hand here. Instead of the boys actually have a real conversation after their fight, most of the denouement of the show was consecrated to talking about the love drama. It was, again, as if the focus of the show was on the wrong things, and it robs you of the catharsis you’re expecting. As if they used the love drama for a metaphor for the actual issues, have it do all the emotional heavy lifting, and in so doing bypass having to adress the actual problem. There is this weird ideas that the audience of the show - teenagers and young women, mostly, in the end care the most about the love stuff and that everything else has to take a backseat and...this feels neither a good message to send, nor realistic to me. I like it when shows about teenagers decenter love and show the real complexity of their characters’ lives without making them paragons of virtue or wokeness - Derry Girls is a brilliant example of that. Skam, and Skam France in particular, feel a bit immature still compared to those, punching below their weight for shows that pride themselves on their social impact. 

Hit with the idiot stick : Speaking of underwhelming resolutions - yes, the boy squad messing up with Arthur, I found relevant and realistic. But...did they really even adress it ? I was really hoping for the boys to have more of a conversation, for Arthur to open up to them about what he went through, about his father, to tell them that they should have asked him/listened to him more, etc...and I know ‘teenage boys’ or whatever but ...aren’t they trying to change those stereotypes too ? Like when Arthur went to see Basile, they must have had a conversation, why the fuck did we not see it ? That’s the emotional bond I cared most about ! And we just had a hug ...underwhelming tbh. Same Arthur talking with Lucas but then it was just about their love lives ? Or when they came to the hospital, again, it was just about the love drama ? God it really sucked out the oxygen out of the season. The resolutions of those things just being hugs or speeches or handholding at the end felt hollow, and a lot less powerful than they could have been. And again, there has to be a tolerance for messiness, but I found the boys so incredibly dumb at several points in the season. Especially them being like ‘oh cheating isn’t so bad’ after they found out that Arthur’s dad was cheating on his wife ? Like why the fuck did they take Patrick’s side ? What kind of lack of empathy ? It would feel a lot more coherent for teenage boys to be furious at the destruction of a friend’s family, not talk like cynical 50 yr olds who just divorced for the fifth time. It felt so unrealistic and stupid and just meant for Arthur to finally clue in to the idea that cheating and lying is bad maybe, himself first without external clues from characters that really should have known better by now. Especially Yann and Lucas advising Arthur to keep his mouth shut after what happened in s1 like...did whoever write this read the previous seasons of the show ? There were just too many times where the boy squad felt out of character and mandated to be idiots just for plot reasons, and it felt...very crudely drawn. Disappointing, because the beginning of the season was awesome. But again, Skam France failed in delivering real growth for their friend group. At times, it even felt like character regression. Them holding hands at the end of the season made me emo but damn it could have been so much more.

Also some plot twists - the car crash in particular, just felt dumb and unnecessary, seriously. 

A too distant main : In the end, like I said before, my main issue is that I didn’t feel as connected to Arthur as I wanted to. I mean, the cheating bit was just very unrelatable to me, after how they showed how supportive Alexia was and how she supposedly made him happy like...why. But maybe that’s just me. Regardless - in the first few episodes he felt distant in an interesting way, because it made sense for his character to be so walled off. But...I felt like his self discovery was way too blurred with the ‘oh I like Noee’ part to the point where it ended up being obscured. I would have loved more clips on his own, maybe something more about him questioning his path in life, whether he truly wants to do medecine. And like apparently he liked fine arts ? Then, why didn’t we see anything about that ? Did he paint the x-men painting ??? That feels so relevant, why the fuck didn’t we see that ? Also why didn’t we see him take those LSF classes with Camille and actually make an effort this time ? Having almost all of his realization moments tied to Noee was just...the manic pixie dream girl trope. That’s what it’s called, when you use a quirky female character as a device for the emotional development of the male one. It’s...not flattering tbh. And then that farm episode - it was funny but for a week I felt like I completely lost touch with Arthur’s POV ? I’m really not sure that was the right choice. All in all, there were just not enough introspective, small, intimate clips for it to really feel like Skam, and that’s a shame tbh. I recognize a lot of myself in Arthur, and Robin acted his heart out to make him relatable, but because of the writing, there were way too many times where I was reluctant and puzzled instead of in it. I saw several people saying it was too much tell and not enough show and I think that’s very on point. I feel like a lot of Arthur’s actual character development happened behind the scenes in moments where we didn’t see it.  

Yeah...I think as a conclusion most of my issues are tied back to the preponderance of the love triangle. The season wasn’t bad but god it could have been so excellent if they hadn’t gone that route, and this swerve from greatness is just sooooooo frustrating. I don’t think it’s enough to condemn the whole season but...

Next up : some things I’m just very ??? about and a general conclusion. 

Bonus bitching round, fandom edition : oh my god, I don’t get into this often but...the fandom was so bloody annoying this season. Starting with the people sending death threats over a tv show (like...what the fuck) or thinking them being nasty assholes is somehow for the greater good (???), from people that don’t want anyone to use even 1 analysis capacity (especially on Twitter) and go beyond praising everything on the show, or the people either villifying Alexia and Noee and indulging in that ‘team’ crap, to the people that shoot down every single detail of the show without discernment or accuse the creators of being ableist sexist garbage or maltreating their actors ... And then you have the other remake stans coming to pollute the tags talking about how we were all stupid for liking the show in the first place. Like...seriously, what is up with you people. I really loved the block button this season, damn. 

[valeriacastaneda]

My Autobiography

I remember being pretty young when all this inner turmoil began to stir. I remember an intense hatred of myself for no good reason. I was always too emotional. I don’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t hate myself. I remember being a little girl and feeling abandoned. I always had my parents around me but they weren’t very supportive and I don’t think they meant it to be that way. I felt like no one cared about me and I didn’t feel like I had anyone to turn to as I was growing up. I longed for my mother to put her arm around me and protect her little girl. But my parents were completely absorbed in the constant drama and fights that their relationship entailed. I just wanted my parents to get along. I was a really sensitive child and it was completely agonizing to be dragged into their fights. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy to write but anything worthwhile is going to be a bit painful. It’s been difficult to go through all of this while trying to be as honest and thorough as possible. This isn’t the first “timeline/autobiography” I had to write. I wrote one in my first rehab. But the last one wasn’t very honest- it was as honest as I could be at the time, I still had a lot to go through.

I grew up with two immigrant parents. In an immigrant home there’s a lot of stress behind closed doors. I always saw casual drinking and even binge drinking as a child, as a way to cope with emotions. I grew up on the east side of San Jose in the late 90’s. I feel like I had a complicated childhood. I was a happy child but I was also shy and incredibly anxious. I never had many friends, I felt like I always had to hide a part of myself. I dreamt of being a social butterfly cos that’s how I felt on the inside. But I was such a shy kid, I didn’t trust anyone and I had no sense of stability. It was hands growing up feeling completely alone. I even feel like there was a disconnect between me and my siblings because of how I felt about myself. Since I was a toddler, I remember feeling a deep sense of shame that I couldn’t shake. Anything that triggered this deep internal shame was to be avoided at all costs. I always felt deeply embarrassed for my existence, I always felt insecure.

I looked for stability in all the wrong places. I tried to cling to people, begging to be saved from being drowned only to drag them under the current with me. I didn’t understand that salvation could be found within myself. I looked in all the wrong places and I let my heart be broken countless times before I was able to look within myself to find the strength to push forward. I feel like I had a lonely childhood at times because I remember crying a lot. I remember feeling a deep sorrowful sadness as a child, a sadness I couldn’t express. My mother suffered from postpartum depression after I was born, maybe we had a difficult time bonding. People who know us probably wouldn’t say that we weren’t close. I felt abandoned by my parents at a very young age. They argued so loudly it shook the house and the core to my being. My dad would storm out of the house and slam the doors. I would feel shaken to my core. There was always yelling and cussing in Spanish. Words I could never whimper or my mother would strike them from my lips as soon as the thought crossed my mind.

I felt like my siblings had a bond with each other that I could never be apart of. I was too sensitive, always too emotional. I remember being a child and hiding in the darkness of the closet while my entire body shook from sobbing because of the constant torment I felt inside my soul. I never fit into my family. I always felt like the odd one out, the black sheep, and the ugly duckling. My brother’s would tease me and call me the ugly duckling and that definitely got into my head. When I grew up I started looking for the attention I never received from my father in guys my age, and eventually men. I was always looking for attention in all the wrong places. I was waiting for someone to come and save me from myself. It took me many years to realize that no one would come to rescue me. I had to do that work myself so I could be a decent partner but I didn’t realize that for many years.

Some of the happiest moments of my childhood include me learning how to read. I remember being so enthralled with my ability to read books and escape. I always had a need to escape my reality. I remember being a kid and staying in an after school program. My childhood was short and sweet and I look back on it fondly. I loved playing make-believe on the playground with my two friends. I always kept a small circle. I loved art and crafts and as an adult I learned embroidery, sewing, and cross-stitch as a hobby. I enjoyed photography and showing people my art. I was always extremely imaginative and that’s something I continue to hold onto as an adult. My parents never demanded straight A’s from me but at one point I felt like the pressure was so intense and I didn’t feel like it was fair. My other siblings weren’t held to the same standards as I was but as an adult, I now see that my parents were encouraging me to do my absolute best.

When I was a young child, someone abused me. I never shared what happened to me with anyone else in my family and if anyone had a clue about it, or would ask about it I would pretend I had no memory of what they were talking about. I remember struggling with the constant shame throughout my life. Guilt and shame are themes that pop up into my life.

I fell in love for the first time when I was 16 in high school. I was at my new school after getting transferred out of my local high school because of my emotional issues and drug abuse. I was sitting on the bus on my way to the trade school that I would go to for half the day, I was taking a forensics class. There was a handsome football player that would ride the bus with me and I was sitting with my friend when he leaned over and asked for my number. His name was Tarunbir but I always called him T. I tried not paying any attention to him but he was persistent and it made him all the more attractive. I was smoking meth constantly at this period of my life and he asked me on a date to go eat somewhere and I clearly remember replying with, “I don’t eat.” and smirking at my friend. He asked for my phone so he could call his mom and I let him but he put his number into my phone and asked me to text him.

I had absolutely no intention of talking to him but the next day I was bored at home so I decided to text him. I had no idea this interaction would change the course of my life forever. We became entangled in this relationship or more accurately described as a “trauma bond”. There were clear red flags that I chose to ignore because I thought his jealousy and possessiveness meant he actually loved and cared about me. I was always trying to break up with him but he would show up at my door crying, begging for me back with flowers and gifts. I would always give in. He physically, mentally, and sexually abused me. He abused me in every way but I stayed with him on and off for four years. I was addicted to him like I was addicted to escaping my reality. We gave into each other’s drug abuse and eventually I could only cope by constantly being high. I truly felt stuck with him and I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave him until he left me first. I remember him pushing me and forcing my head into the concrete one night. I remember an incident that happened between us that led me to a trip to the emergency room. I still have the scar on the back of my head. He went to jail but it wasn’t long before we were back together; entangled in a cycle of abuse and denial.

I constantly dealt with suicidal ideation. I remember being 18 years old when I decided I didn’t want to live a moment longer. For a bit of background, I was struggling with my sobriety and I badly wanted out. Earlier that day I had received a message on my blog from someone anonymous telling me to kill myself. Unfortunately I was so sick, I listened. I bought some pills off my dealer and I popped them all. I took one handful after another. I finished them off with my own medications, that I had somehow stockpiled. I was hanging out while my boyfriend, T, went off somewhere. I remember having a soft drink in my hand and a snack with me. I was at the apartment complex that he lived at. I started walking around after I had taken them and I don’t remember much after that. I just know what I was told afterwards. T found me unconscious and not breathing at the bottom of the concrete stairs. He started doing compressions on my chest and I remember the pain of him nearly breaking my ribs as he sobbed on the phone to the paramedics. I don’t remember what he said only that I never heard him cry like that in my life. I remember saying, “Ow” to get him to stop cos the pain was so intense. I was put into a medical coma for a few days. When I woke up, two days later my mom told me they pumped my stomach. I remember while I was intubated how much it bothered me to have that uncomfortable machine in me. I kept attempting to pull it out so they had to tie my arms down. I was basically dead. They didn’t know what was going to happen to me when I woke up. I remember waking up from that coma and asking for my baby sister, Lilibeth. I remember the dry, scratchy feeling in my throat and the hoarseness in my voice. I still carry so much guilt from that day because I know I hurt my siblings irreparably and that’s probably why I’ll never be close with them again. They saw me in so many terrible situations that I’ll never stop feeling guilty about. Words could never describe how sorry I am and I know words will never soothe their pain.

T helped me talk to my parents about sending me to rehab when I was 19 and I couldn’t stop shooting up. I was addicted to feeling the needle as much as I was addicted to drugs slipping into my vein- I could romanticize what I felt and describe it to you in detail. It’s kind of sick. The excitement I felt when I would finally register and push the plunger down was almost better than the high itself. Almost but not quite. I remember sitting on the floor of his room in his mother’s apartment for hours on end trying to hit a vein. It was pure agony because I tried every vein in my arms and legs until I was covered in small pin pricks and bruises. When I finally registered, I can’t even describe to you the calm that would wash over my body. Some people get tweaked out and start bouncing off the walls on meth, but not me. I lay back and felt the iciness crawl up my throat, and I would cough as my heart tried to pound it’s way out of my chest. My rock bottom was when I was filled with agony, covered in pricks and bruises and spending hours on end trying to get high without success. After rehab, T picked me up and brought me home. Not before I relapsed again. My parents made a huge sacrifice financially for me so how did I relapse leaving rehab? I had a Xanax prescription that a doctor had prescribed for me so I didn’t think that was an issue. T still had some of my script on him and I asked him for some. That’s how the slippery slope began. Before I knew it, I was back to shooting meth and then, I fell in love with heroin too. I started hanging out with adults who were ten years older than me and I started dealing drugs to support myself and my habit. I was filled with so much self-hatred and I felt like using drugs was the only way I could escape feeling the constant bombardment of emotions that I was constantly subjected to. I was always miserable and I didn’t know the key to true contentment was within myself.

By October of 2016, I was 20 years old with two rehab stints under my belt which also happened to be wrapped around my arm. I clenched the leather between my teeth as I tirelessly attempted to shoot up a mixture of meth and heroin. I remember being so frustrated because my hands were shaking so hard from withdrawal that when I finally did register, I slipped the rig out of my vein and ruined my drugs because the blood in the syringe had coagulated. I was trying to get high and I ruined my drugs so I chose not to use it had to shoot it into the trash because if I would’ve used it, I was risking a blood clot going to my brain and killing me. I didn’t care about those consequences- but I did care about continuing to get high. A recurring theme in my 7life is a need for escapism and I needed to escape the everlasting depression and misery I constantly felt that tormented me. I felt like I had tried to get clean so many times on my own and I felt like I couldn’t get it right. I wanted so badly to be clean even though I truly believed in my soul that I could only be happy on drugs. I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom when I truly realized how tormented I was, I knew that I was failing at my attempts at sobriety. I couldn’t understand how people in sobriety could “have fun” without drugs. I remember going to young people’s Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and not being able to understand how they could achieve long-term sobriety and be happy. It seemed so fake and unattainable to me but I knew what I kept trying was failing, I had to try something new. T had broken up with me by now, because of my addiction. At the time, I truly loved heroin more than him anyways. Heroin was awful but it never put me through the various types of abuse that he put me through. I was so hurt and angry with him that I swore to myself that I would never go back to him for leaving me when I needed someone there for me. I know it sounds twisted but I’m honestly so thankful that he had left me because it left me with resolve to do something about my situation. I didn’t have the strength to leave and stay gone during our years together because of how vulnerable I was at that point in my life.

I always knew something was different about me. I have a hazy memory about being a small child in elementary school and being attracted to a girl in a way that I had never felt about anyone. I was 6 years old when I had my first “crush” on a girl but I felt shame deeply in my young soul even then. I never pursued my interest in girls until I was an adult and I had my first girlfriend, Kemi. I was still struggling with my sobriety at the time that I met her. She had been sober for two years by the time we were together. I remember her and I sitting on the floor of my bedroom while I fixed myself a shot. I don’t remember exactly what was happening but my parents were throwing a party. I had to wear something to cover the track marks and bruises on my arms even though it was a hot August day. My memories from the time are a bit hazy from the drugs but I made her look away while I did what I had to do. I remember feeling guilty but ultimately not caring that I was possibly risking her sobriety by using around her. I was so self-centered that nothing mattered to me but having the feeling of calmness wash over me. Things ultimately didn’t work out between us but that’s okay. She was good to me and she brought me around A.A. and introduced me to what sobriety had to offer me.

I attempted sobriety again in November of 2016 and I can’t pinpoint exactly what changed this time around. I no longer desired to keep up the facade that I had perfectly crafted. Anyways, it was all crumbling down around me pretty quickly. I remember having a sort of epiphany about the state of my life. I was 20 years old and I was speeding down the highway and into my grave. I don’t think I instantly wanted to live a righteous life or anything close to it, I just needed to try something different. Especially with turning 21 years old in a few days looming over my head. I couldn’t believe I legally couldn’t drink alcohol yet but I could buy heroin and I was a pretty decent hobbyist phlebotomist at this point.

I broke up with Rami last year. I was pretty unhappy with myself and where the relationship was going so I took our dog and moved back into my parent’s house. I needed to start figuring out what I was going to do with myself and my sobriety. The stress I put on myself after Rami relapsed after we broke up in December of 2018 and it absolutely ruined me. It helped lead me here, to Center for Discovery but not before I was hospitalized at Stanford for my low body weight. Rami never asked me to be with him while he struggled with his sobriety. I blamed myself for his relapse even though the rational side of my brain knew it had nothing to do with me. My anxiety was so bad I started restricting and I wasn’t even really aware of it at the time. I just knew that my mind was constantly spinning and I was on the edge of breaking down every day. I would take some anti-anxiety medication and it was like magic, I could finally be calm enough to eat. Rami continued to relapse and I continued to work hard and skip meal after meal. I was becoming frail and I was losing my ability to think clearly. I was worried about how I would pay my bills. I didn’t want to lose the independence from my parents that I finally felt I had earned. The heavy medications I had been taking made it impossible for me to hold down a job. I was finally able to prove to myself that I could work long shifts and over 40 hour weeks. I remember when a 4 hour shift was absolute agony for me. I could never go back to how things were. I earned my independence and I didn’t care if I starved myself to death for it, I wasn’t willing to give it up even though I was sacrificing my health.

Earlier this year I started a new job and it was extremely demanding. It ruined me. Or maybe it put me on the fast track so that I could ruin myself easier. I had to work long hours extremely hungry. My boss didn’t care about me, he saw me as another dispensable person: to be used up until I wasn’t worth anything and he could easily throw me away. I quickly became aware of what kind of person he was and I wondered what I could do. My best bet was finding another job but he paid me pretty well and I didn’t have to worry about a lot of things anymore. I was becoming independent for the first time in my life and that was all I ever wanted. I started skipping meals cos I had so many routes to do. I worked for a cannabis service that existed in a gray area in California law. I worked as a delivery driver and eventually I started working the desk. There was no human resources for me to ever turn to. He called me into work when he needed me and if I didn’t drop everything in that moment to help him, he wouldn’t call me for a few days to make my pockets run dry. I was constantly stressed and unhappy- but the money was good so I stayed. I didn’t have any confidence to go and find another job and he worked me so hard that I was constantly an anxious mess. I was constantly crying and on the edge of a breakdown. I think me staying irregardless of any abuse I faced is a problematic recurring theme in my life.

I was misdiagnosed bipolar for many years. I took every medication they could prescribe me. I’m sure there are a few I hadn’t tried but antidepressants cause a manic reaction in me and make me suicidal. But nonetheless, I took my medication religiously but I was medicating the after-effects of my drug abuse. I kept trying to fix something by taking drugs or taking medications but I didn’t realize the answer was in years of therapy. There’s a lot in my history that I can’t explain or find an answer for but that’s okay, I don’t need to understand everything that happened. All that matters is now. I don’t know how I managed to have so many clinicians misdiagnose me. Even when I tried avoiding the bipolar label I still got diagnosed with cyclothymia. To me that made it pretty clear to me that I was on that spectrum. A few months ago my doctor came to me with a diagnosis that frankly, pissed me off. I had heard it before but I felt like I had been in therapy long enough that I didn’t warrant that diagnosis or the stigma attached to it. When I heard the words “borderline personality disorder” it made me angry and defensive immediately. I definitely feel like that reaction made sense with the diagnosis. The doctors didn’t realize that some of my symptoms may have been residual from my drug use.

I never really realized I was anorexic until I started feeling the pressure to keep up an appearance. And I don’t mean that literally. I didn’t have time to look in the mirror and I hated the skeletal mess that always met my eyes when I would make the mistake of looking at my reflection. I didn’t think I was anorexic but my mind is much clearer now and I see that although a lot of stereotypical behaviors weren’t there, they didn’t need to be. I started looking at what made sense. I took being perfect to a flaw. I couldn’t leave the house unless I was fashionably dressed and if I didn’t have the nicest clothes then I felt bad about myself. If my makeup wasn’t impeccable I wasn’t shit. All I had to hold onto was my appearance of a well put together girl. I still don’t fit into that label, my anxiety has made it feel impossible to eat. I look back on my years of drug use and I see that I definitely used for weight control as well as mood management throughout my adolescence and young adulthood. Labels really don't mean much though cos we're in the same place for similar reasons. I feel like at a time of my life I honestly did hate my body. I think I might have hated it for a long time- for keeping me alive when I’ve wanted so badly to give up. I’ve hated it for not being the same shape or silhouette as other women. But I don’t feel that way anymore. I’m beautiful, scars and all.

I’ve shared the deepest, darkest moments of my life for only one reason: in hopes that someone hears this and knows it doesn’t always have to be so dark. Things get better, maybe not all at once but I promise they do. I never thought I would be able to climb my way out of the pits of hell. I struggled with constantly feeling like I was just digging myself into a deeper hole. Through the adversity that I’ve experienced in my life, I’ve grown as a person and I’ve turned into a woman that I can say that I’m proud to be. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows but I know that the clouds in the sky will part and the rays of the sun will kiss my skin. I always carry hope in my heart and I truly believe things will be okay as long as I continue to keep my goals in mind. I finally understand that I have a purpose in life and that’s to help people. I know I can only achieve that goal if I continue to better myself and it’s been hard work but it’s had to be done.

[tinacxhenchang]

the perfect spot | brittina

who: @tinacxhenchang & @boardbritt

where: snowmass’ tree lighting

when: december 4th

what: Tina & Brittany accompany each other to the tree lighting, and one of them is left feeling something unexpected for the other (spoiler, it’s the shorter one).

notes: no trigger warnings

Tina was a total sucker for events like these. She loved to romanticize holidays, but Christmas and winter was by far the biggest one for her. It was probably her getting too deep into the holiday romcoms that always play on her TV during these times, but something about the lights, snow and the overall vibe of December just made her heart flutter. It was upsetting to miss out on last year's tree lighting, so it was even more exciting to go this year. "I think I'm a little too excited for this," Tina admitted, followed with a tiny squeal. "Do you wanna go get some hot chocolate first?"

Brittany loved the winter holiday season, especially because it meant that she got to spend more time with the people she cared about. It's why she asked Tina if she wanted to go to the tree lighting with her, because she hadn't gotten to see much of her the past month. "Well, you didn't come to last year's so I think you get to be doubly excited for this one," Brittany said with a smile, as she took  in Tina's enthusiasm. "Good idea." Once they were in line, Brittany said, "I have an important question that I don't think I've asked before and your answer might change the status of our friendship." She paused dramatically before asking, "do you like hot chocolate or hot cocoa better?"

Tina already felt the tickle in her stomach just being at the tree lighting, making a mental note to try her best not to cry when the tree lit up... just because it would be extremely embarrassing. With a grin, she walked alongside her friend to the hot chocolate line. "Yeah?" she replied, awaiting the serious-sounding question, though knowing Brittany it was probably going to be a trivial question. "Oh, good one. I do appreciate a really good hot chocolate when it's made right, so I wanna go for that. Hot cocoa is easier and quicker to make, which is why I usually go for it when I make it myself," she answered eloquently, nodding to herself before turning to look at Brittany. "But hot chocolate all the way. Are we still friends?"

Brittany nodded along at Tina's explanation. "Hmm. I might have to think about that cause' I think I like hot cocoa more. It's sweeter." She let out a dramatic sigh. "I guess I could look past that though," she said before grinning at Tina. After they got their drinks, Brittany took the lid off of hers and cautiously stuck the tip of her tongue into it. The reaction was almost immediate. "It's hot."

“Really? But hot chocolate is so much more decadent,” Tina protested. “Makes sense you’d like that more, though.” A soft smile appeared on her face when she saw Brittany grinning. She always appreciated how light their conversations were, something much needed in her life. The urge to take a sip once they received the hot drinks was strong, but observing her friend’s reaction, she stopped herself from going into the same trap. “I bet,” she said with a soft chuckle. “Now, where’s the perfect spot that you have been speaking of? I need to know.”

"Hmm?" Brittany was about to make a second attempt at taking a drink when Tina asked her something. "Oh! So I was thinking about it and my perfect spot might not actually be perfect for you, cause I'm taller and you might want to see different things?" She put the lid back on her cup as they started to talk towards the crowd gathered near the tree. "I can totally figure it out though! Did you want to be near the front or the back?"

"Oh. Well, that's okay, we can still try it. Ideally, I'd want to be near the front, but I trust you," Tina insisted. She wrapped her hands around her cup tightly, using the heat from the cup to warm her hands. "We should get going because the crowd is getting bigger and bigger."

“As you should.” Brittany looked over at the crowd, then back to Tina. She put a hand on Tina’s head and squished her hat down to be as flat as possible before trying to keep her hand steady to determine the other girl’s height in comparison to hers. She frowned slightly before she tilted her head and asked, “how tall are you?” before gently picking at Tina’s hat to fluff it up again.

Tina chuckled as she shook her head, correcting her hat after Brittany had fluffed it back up. "I'm 5'1"," she replied, pausing a little bit before continuing. "A very tall 5'1", thank you very much." She raised her chin and placed one of her hands on her hip to make herself a little taller. "Did you manage to calculate a good spot for me?"

"If you're adding adjectives, you forgot 'cute,' Brittany said before considering the new variable. She hummed in thought as she absentmindedly took a sip of her drink before immediately making a face because it was still hot. After taking a moment to recover, she nodded at Tina's question before grabbing her hand and dragging her over to the tree. She politely weaved their way through the crowd until they were near the front, and after another quick calculation, Brittany let go of Tina’s hand and instead put her arm around Tina’s waist to help tilt her to the correct direction. Then she leaned into the other girl’s ear and said softly, “Y’know, if anyone gets annoyed that we’re at the front you can just say you’re Press and I’m like, your hot bodyguard or something.” With that, Brittany stood up straight again and retracted her arm, giving her attention to the soon-to-be spectacle in front of them.

Tina felt a little blush creeping on her cheeks at Brittany's comment, feeling unsure of whether she should've said something about it or not. By the look of her friend's nonchalance, she ultimately decided not to. About to try to take her first sip, she was quickly whiskered away as the blonde grabbed her hand and headed towards the tree. "Oh, okay then," she mumbled, mostly to herself. She had always been very fond of Brittany - something about her effortless charm and nurturing personality had a way of making Tina feel safe. She never expected to befriend someone like her, because she knew for a fact that if this was high school, she'd run away from people like Brittany at first glance. Her heart did a tiny jump, mainly due to shock, when she felt an arm around her waist, but fell quickly into a state of comfort when her mind had processed what it was. She opened her mouth to speak, but it shut abruptly when she felt Brittany whispering into her ear, giving her all kinds of chills she didn't know she could get when already being out in the cold. "T-that sounds nice-I mean, I'll definitely do that." Crap. So much for being cool. "This is fine, though. I can see pretty decently, actually."

Brittany nodded and then pulled out her phone, half paying attention to the same speech she'd heard the years prior. It was maybe a little more theatrical than it had been before, with the Mottas being the ones having a go at delivering parts of it, but Brittany thought she had a good idea of the pacing. She sent a text message and glanced every so often between the tree and her phone, feeling a little antsy. She could feel a pair of eyes (probably Tina’s) on her, but she needed to get the timing of this right. And once the magic words were said, Brittany squeezed her eyes shut and held her breath as the countdown began. At the moment of “1,” she opened her eyes and let out her breath in a sigh as the tree became illuminated in thousands of multicolored lights. After a beat, Brittany gave a small cheers in the direction of the tree with her cup before taking a drink of her cocoa and then turned to Tina, who had definitely just watched her do at least some of that based on her expression. “It’s a thing,” she mumbled, as she shrunk a little, not wanting Tina to think she was weird or something.

Tina’s eyes focused on Al Motta as he began his speech, focusing intently on his words. It was getting longer than she preferred, but while he definitely knew how to engage an audience. She smiled and nodded along, taking sips of her hot drink ever so often. Tina looked back and forth between Brittany and the tree during the countdown, growing more excited for the “0” to hit. As the tree lit up in all the colors of the world, Tina’s face glowed up just as bright as the pine before her. She averted her gaze from the tree to look over at Brittany again who was doing... something? “What is the thing? Tell me.”

Brittany contemplated for a moment as she looked at her phone one last time before putting it back in her pocket. "It's kind of silly," she admitted. "Have you ever seen in movies where like, two people are going to be separated for a while so person 1 tells person 2 that to find a certain star, and that whenever they’re sad or lonely they can look up at the stars and know that they’re both seeing the same thing?” She waited for the look of recognition in Tina’s face before she continued, “Well, I’ve never known anybody in real life who has done that, and like, how would you know that you’re looking at the same star as the other person and not a ufo or something?”  Brittany looked over at the tree, letting her eyes take it in for a moment before turning back to Tina. “So why not do it with a tree as long as you’re in synch the first time it gets lighted up? They're usually on longer anyway, or even if you couldn't see stars at all. Plus it helps with timezones being weird."

Tina took a sip of her hot chocolate as she listened to Brittany talk, nodding slowly with every sentence. "Aw, I think that's so cute," she quickly inserted mid-way, then keeping quiet so she could finish. "That's a good point, though. I mean, if you're good at identifying planets that you can see with your bare eye, that can kind of work though. If you're both sure you're right about what you're seeing, of course." Despite how unrealistic or silly that sentiment was, she thought it was adorable, and it was definitely something she did with her high school relationships. "So... is there someone in your life you're doing this with...?" Tina was curious. Brittany was obviously a really sweet girl, beautiful as well. She wouldn't have been surprised if she had someone special in her life that she was thinking of when the tree lit up. Sigh. If only Tina had someone, too.

"Um, yes?" Brittany was pretty sure it was obvious that she had done the little ritual with someone else. "Tree lightings are a thing that's kind of transferable? between place to place. In terms of winter-y things. We don't exactly have snow in Florida, and this isn't the zoo, but it does help with the home sickness a little."

Tina scrunched her face together in doubt. "Hm, I'm not sure about that. Like, is there a tree lighting happening at the exact same time as this one somewhere? Or are you just thinking about a lit up tree in general?" she asked, admittedly a little confused. So, she wasn't having someone in mind? Tina truly didn't always understand what went through her friend's brain. "Are you thinking of someone specific?"

Brittany could see that Tina was confused. "I mean there probably are other tree lightings but not any that I'm thinking about. Or like, any big official ones anyway. But what I am saying is that if you know how long a speech is supposed to be, account for the variables of the person giving it and the fact that text messages might not be completely instantaneous, you can calculate almost the exact moment that a tree will be lit up in the Pierce household in Florida and here in Colorado at the same time. Does that make sense?" She bit her lip and tried to see if Tina was still confused about it. Brittany thought it made sense but she knew that sometimes what she meant didn't always come out sounding so clear.

"Oh," Tina breathed out, still a bit confused but it didn't really matter. The more she'd question it, the harder it would be to move on from the conversation. "That sounds very meticulous, even I don't have the brain energy to be thinking about all that." She shrugged slightly and shook her head in quick, but brief movements. "Anyway. I'm glad you got us this spot. And I'm glad you tagged along with me. I really enjoy your company," she said sincerely, looking up at Brittany with a soft smile.

Brittany still wasn't sure if Tina completely followed, but she seemed to want to move past it. "Well I was the one who asked if you wanted us to go together with the bribe of the good spot. So does this mean I'm forgiven then?" she said, looking hopeful. Britt took a sip of her drink which had cooled down considerably, which presented the opposite problem she had before. Maybe she'd get another one. Or she'd make some when she got back to her place. Tina had a confused look on her face again. "Y'know, for the donuts - the ones I didn't bring you?" she supplied. "I like spending time with you too. And I miss it. So we should go to more of these things together."

"For wh--oh, yeah. Of course, I was just kidding about that anyway," Tina said with a grin as she gently placed a hand on Brittany's arm. It made her happy hearing that Brittany liked spending time with her too - she didn't even realize that she needed that kind of affirmation from her until she got it. "Well, Snowmass is amazing at hosting cozy events like these, so I would love to go with you to the ones coming up."

Brittany returned Tina's smile. "You have my number and know where to find me usually, and I think it's more your schedule that we'd have to work with cause my lessons are in the first half of the day, but let me know if you'd want to do anything together? Or if you have any new things you've written, I'd love to hear em'," she said sincerely. Just then Brittany felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She debated not checking it, but then decided she might as well check just in case they would continue to call back. When she pulled it out she noticed it was her mom, she answered it and brought the phone to her ear and answered in a cheerful voice, "Hey! Can I call you back in like five minutes? I'm with someone right now -- not like that," Brittany rolled her eyes affectionately. "Okay, so maybe like, seven minutes, but I'll call right back, okay?" a pause, then, "love you too," before she ended the call. "That was my mom," Brittany explained . "So I should probably go. But like I said, you know where to find me." She moved her phone to the hand she was still holding her cup in and pulled Tina in for a one-armed hug, giving her a squeeze. Before completely pulling away, Brittany leaned down and placed a quick kiss on Tina's cheek. "Bye!"

"I will definitely do that," Tina beamed, already feeling excited about the next time they'd meet. As Brittany's phone rang, she stood there patiently, taking the last cold sip of her drink which was now just straight up melted chocolate starting to thicken at the bottom. She chuckled a bit at the conversation, but mostly because she didn't really know the context of it and it sounded a little silly on her end. "I do. I had a great time," she said, leaning into the hug as she squeezed back. She was about to utter the word "bye" when she felt Brittany's lips quickly peck her cheek. Even though it was a very in-character move for Brittany, Tina still found herself being caught a little off guard, possibly due to her cheeks heating up and something in her stomach doing a little flip as it happened. "B-bye," she mumbled, though it was already too late as the blonde had wandered off. Tina remained still in her spot, swallowing hard as she came to a realization about what was going on. Was she about to fall for Brittany?

[thunderoad]

Hi , So listened to the album and holy shit🔥 he really came through with those vocals in each song . Would you be doing a song by song review of the album .? Interested in listening what you think .

he SOO DID!! i had been awake way too long yesterday and was just in disbelief over how good it is, but i had it on in the car while i was running errands today, and wow!! thank u sm for asking, here’s my track by track: 

1. heartbreak weather - i rmr texting my friend last night that it was so dancey, which i stand by!! it’s begging to be screamed and jumped along to in the best possible way. i think it’s a perfect introduction to the album as a whole, too; you have the sad undercurrent in the chorus of, ‘all of my life, it was heartbreak weather’ (which is SO sad when u think about it), tempered by the upbeat, uptempo sound. and i love the way that it sets the stage for the rest of the album by invoking the imagery of not just weather but this lonely city, which he really continues to inhabit for the rest of the album! 

2. black and white - perfect wedding song. you can just picture the glee kids covering it while the wedding party dances down the aisle, which is a compliment - you want these moments to be happy! i love how it retains the hopefulness and simplicity of youth in a way that’s hard to capture sometimes without quite becoming schlocky. ‘it’s the way you love, i’ve got to give it back to you’ is all the more startling for how prescient it is in that context! he’s got some GREAT turns of phrase on this album

3. dear patience - when this one started, i was prepared to dislike it because niall’s ballads tend to not quite be to my taste, but then he has that line about how ‘just me and the stars can get lonely,’ which is the BEST subtle tilt of the head to niall’s particular position as a celebrity, you know? it may not have been written with that interpretation in mind, but it’s got a particular achiness that i love. and the vocal duplication or echo that kicks in on the chorus combined with the bridge’s driving rhythm and that spiraling, hopeless cry - oh, it’s excellent. not to mention the strings are gonna KILL live

4. bend the rules - when he started singing in this one, i literally had to stop and wait for dani to catch up to me: that is a bruce impression if ever i’ve heard one! this one feels a bit more like a concept song than the others, like he’s still sort of trying to dial in on what he’s getting at with this very specific feeling of jealousy and mistrust and the fear of vulnerability it invokes. if he plays it live, i think it’ll become quite the showstopper. it’s hugely appealing to the part of me that loves and loves story songs

5. small talk - i lOVE this trend stranger things started of those highly distorted synths generating this sense of unease (’i’m paralyzed’), and how the song slowly unfolds into a foot-stomping barnburner of a song! i used to have this thing about hating when great singers talk-sing because it’s such a waste of talent, and i still do, but the sheer FUN of singing this song back to him at niall’s concerts like a bunch of horny witches casting a spell is going to be SO GREAT. i know it’s ‘slow hands’ big sister, but this song also has some of ‘on the loose’s’ tremendous punch as a vignette. this song would’ve made an amazing single; i can’t wait to sing it in the car

6. nice to meet ya - this is where, to me, the overarching storyline in the track listing really gains ground and gets going! it stands in such an excellent contrast to ‘small talk,’ too, where both are sort of hookup songs, but where ‘small talk’ is about that tete a tete, ntmy is starting to touch on that idea of conceptualizing and mythologizing someone the way you do at first blush. 

7. put a little love on me - my sincerest apologies to niall, but easily my least fav track on the album. his ballads just aren’t my favorite thing! it is a massive step up from ‘flicker’ to me, though, i love the way it dials in on that peculiar moment where the relationship’s over but you’re not so separated that you can’t still imagine what the other person might be doing, and what exactly do you do with all that knowing someone? it is awfully hard to let go. this song strikes me as a really terrific retrospective even as you start to move forward

8. arms of a stranger - not one of my favorites, tbh! i think it’s lyrical ground we’ve already kind of covered and it’s not the most innovative of his musical arrangements, but i still would not go so far as to call it bad. i do love that instead of accusing the other person of moving on too fast, he turns it on himself; ‘now i’m lying in the arms of a stranger.’ 

9. everywhere - i thought this song was gonna be one thing based on the first few seconds, and then it turns on its heel and becomes something quite different, with more of that chanting + slap-kick percussion. it reminds me forcefully of taylor swift’s ‘holy ground,’ which can only ever be a compliment! i love how he’s using different vocal modes in this album to capture different moods; he’s got that almost monotonous chanting to explain the motionless and airlinessness he’s feeling, and it works! he’s definitely gonna want to play this one acoustic at some point

10. cross your mind - the return of his bruce voice!! i love the imagery of immersing yourself in the world of your relationship with someone else. the driving vocals and drums are such a great underline to the lyrics, like he’s trying to provoke someone, finally ready to hear the truth. he’s definitely put a lot of work into his lyric-writing, too, u know? these songs are on the whole just so much wordier than the last album, which is a huge compliment to how far he’s come! i think there’s a really cool bit of both courage and self-destruction in that ‘don’t hold back’ refrain; those things do keep close company sometimes! and his falsetto in this one is just absolutely perfectly placed in my opinion

11. new angel - i lOVE this one in counterpoint to cross your mind - needing someone else ‘to save me from myself’ is a great emotional tether to draw on them between them, and u know, i do think it risks putting a new relationship on a pedestal, but i think the emphasis is more on admitting fault and vulnerability, neither of which is easy! it’s a deceptively complicated song. not to mention jake is gonna fuck up those guitar bits when the fellas play it live!! 

12. no judgement - fun and funky easy listening gold. as singles go, i think ntmy is a little punchier, but i love the lyrics, and i think the offer of absolution is very sweet, very generous. 

13. san francisco - i LOVE this song. in fact, it might be my favorite! i just love the way the ‘take me back, take me back’ refrain works in two ways: take me back to the past, and as a plea to be taken back by someone else! it’s got everything you need for a perfect love song: imperfection (’wish i hadn’t been so cruel’), romanticism (’what we had would never last, but i can’t let go’), the dramatic rainy love confession that doubles as the goal of all stories, which is self-knowledge (’i’m done running from the one that i want so bad’), all nestled in an inexorable groove. 

14. still - sometimes i love the sound of fingertips dragging over guitar strings and sometimes i hate it, and in this case, i lOVE it; it just wonderfully mimics the sound of pen dragging across paper, which is what i think this is, a bit - a goodbye letter. there’s this john donne line about ‘gold to airy thinness beat,’ which is the first and only thing i could think of when i heard how niall chose to sing this one, just on the edge of untenably high and hurting down to the bone. vulnerability is hard to capture and it’s hard to be honest on a pop record, but i think niall manages both beautifully. 

[satinwulf]

✦ ▓ AND WHO GOES THERE? oh, it’s just [ SANSA STARK ]. some say [ HER ] resemblance to [ AHN HEEYEON ] is almost uncanny, but the [ TWENTY-SIX ] year old has been in the capital for [ TWENTY-SIX YEARS ]. many suspect that they are the notorious [ ASSOCIATE ] of the [ STARK ] family: perhaps that has made them [ RESERVED ] && [ CIRCUMSPECT ] of late, when they used to be so [  WHIMSICAL ] && [ SANGUINE ]. during the daylight hours, [ SANSA ] can be found working as a [ FASHION DESIGNER & BOUTIQUE OWNER ], but when night falls over king’s landing, they are best remembered listening to [ THE ARCHER BY TAYLOR SWIFT ]. may the gods be with them in these dark streets. ( mowgli. twenty-four. cst. she/hers. )

STATISTICS.

full name:  sansa  elethea  stark.

moniker / nickname: princess,   sans.

gender && pronouns: cisfemale,      she / hers.

dob && age: december 23,   1994.     26.

zodiac sign: capricorn.

ethnicity: korean.

sexual orientation: bisexual.

romantic orientation: biromantic.

mafia affiliation: associate  to  the  stark  family  via  familial  ties   -   sansa  does  NOT  partake  in  anything  further  than  simply  being  known  as  a  stark.

occupational history: former  socialite  turned  fashion  designer.      current  owner  of  the  satin  wolf,      an  upscale  boutique  featuring  her  designs.

financial status: sansa  comes  from  wealth,      but  has  also  amassed  her  own  funds  through  her  business   -   albeit,      it  is  easy  to  do  so  when  you  don’t  have  to  pay  rent.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

face claim: ahn  heeyeon,   ‘hani’.

height: five feet,   eight  inches.

physical build: tall  and  slim;   sansa  is  not  very  toned  nor  muscled,       her  body  is  very  much  so  smooth  lines  and  long  limbs.

eye colour and shape:  brown,      almond.

hair colour and style: currently  strawberry  blonde,   formerly  many  different  colors,    as  sansa  expressed  herself  through  having  it  dyed  previously.       it  is  often  worn  straight  and  down  when  she  isn’t  working,      and  pulled  into  a  messy  bun  when  she  is!

usual expression: stoic.

accent and speech style: sansa  has  a  very  soft  voice,       very  saccharine  and  sweet  by  its  very  nature.        she  has  no  blatant  accent,     and  speaks  often  in  run  on  sentences.

distinguishing marks / characteristics: any scars, tattoos, piercings.

clothing style: very  street  chic  but  also  dependent  on  the  occasion   -   she  dresses  for  the  life  she  wants  to  have  and  live.

jewellery and accessories: earrings,   necklaces,   hats,   scarves   -   any  and  everything  is  on  the  table  when  it  comes  to  accessorizing  the  perfect  outfit.        sansa  never  considers  herself  fully  dressed  without  her  apple  watch,      earrings,      and  a  silver  wolf’s  head  locket  necklace.  

FAMILY:

father: eddard stark.

mother: catelyn stark,      nee  tully.

siblings, if any: robb,      arya,      bran,      rickon.

extended relations: hoster  &  minisa  tully,     edmure  tully,      brandon  stark,      lyanna  stark,      benjen  stark.

significant other(s): none,   currently.    formerly  a  fiance.

children: none.

household pet(s): a  female  merle  great  dane  named  boleyn,   “bo”  for  short.

FAVOURITES.

colour: blue.

weather: a sunny,   but  cool  fall  day.

food item:  red  velvet  cupcakes.

beverage: peach lemonade.

time of day: mid - evening.

television genre: drama.

PERSONALITY.

hobbies: painting,     baking,      reading   -   and  occasionally  writing.

pet peeves: sansa  loathes  loud  chewers,      people  who  refuse  to  put  effort  into  their  outward  appearance,      and  people  who  think  ketchup  and  ranch  go  on  everything   -   or  anything  at  all.

phobias: spiders,      rats,      snakes.

allergies: penicillin.

mbti type: enfj,    the  protagonist.

enneagram type: 4w3,      the  enthusiast.

positive traits: whimsical,      sanguine,      clever.

negative traits: reserved,      circumspect,      fretful.

morning routine: up  by  seven,      morning  walk  with  her  dog,      shower,      breakfast,    begin  work  by  nine,      sharp.

beauty routine: multi - stepped,   always  beginning  with  primers  and  concealers.        sansa  is  a  bit  of  a  makeup  enthusiast;      even  if  she’s  just  at  home  working,      she  prefers  to  have  some  level  of  it  on,      as  she  feels  it’s  yet  another  creative  and  artistic  outlet   . . .    even  if  it  is  just  for  herself.

sleeping habits: sansa  has  always  been  a  heavy,      deep  sleeper,      even  as  a  child.        she  can  fall  asleep  in  the  blink  of  an  eye,      and  be  out  for  hours  without  even  a  hint  of  discomfort.        she  used  to  be  the  person  who  was  up  all  night,      and  tended  to  sleep  all  day   -   now  she’s  asleep  by  8:30pm  most  nights  and  up  by  7:00am.

living space && home: a  high  rise  loft  apartment,      kept  impeccably  clean  and  decorated  in  a  modern  contemporary  style,      with  many  hues  of  gray  and  light  pastels.

all  the  king’s  horses  and  all  the  king’s  men  couldn’t  put  me  together  again,      ‘cause  all  of  my  enemies  started  out  friends.

sansa  attended  king’s  way  college  and  graduated  with  a  bachelor’s  degree  of  fine  arts,    having  majored  in  fashion  design.        her  graduation  present  was  the  satin  wolf,      a  boutique  of  her  own  to  showcase  her  designs.        it  is  located  in  neutral  territory,      and  operated  by  staff  hand  selected  by  sansa  herself.  

the  death  of  hoster  tully  was  a  sad  affair  for  her,      and  yet,      sansa’s  grief  was  also  met  with  a  sense  of  relief.        that  with  her  grandfather  no  longer  pulling  strings,      the  pressure  of  being  brought  into  a  life  she  did  not  want  might  wain.

it  is  her  intent  to  never  become  involved  further  than  she  is  currently  with  any  of  the  syndicates,    even  her  own  family’s.

dancing  under  lights  since  she  was  seventeen.     her  brain’s  flooded  with  ketamine,     high  from  every  party,      low  from  self - esteem;     it’s  selfish  but  she  never  sleep.       honestly,      she  needs  a  little  sympathy.

the  socialite  daughter,      beautiful  and  charming,      always  interested  in  the  next  party   -   the  next  event.        sansa  had  a  penchant  for  attention,      late  nights  spent  out  drinking  and  dancing  even  when  she  less  than  legal;      it  made  her  feel  happy,      feel  free.        it  was  a  way  to  forget  that  things  could  be  dark  and  grim   -   to  forget  that  her  parents,      her  siblings,     nearly  everyone  she  knew  was  involved  in  a  lifestyle  that  made  her  stomach  curl.       so  she  danced  and  partied,      smiled  wide  for  pictures,     found  a  boyfriend  that  enjoyed  the  same  things  she  did   -   one  who  wasn’t  interested  in  what  her  family’s  name  could  do  for  him   . . .   or  so  she  thought.        when  he  asked  her  to  marry  him,      she  cried  tears  of  joy,      and  things  were  perfect.        just  like  they  always  were  for  sansa.

until  one  night  a  few  months  ago,      when  she  and  her  fiance  were  leaving  a  club   -   drunk  and  stumbling,      clinging  to  his  arm  with  practiced  ease    . . .   when  two  rough  hands  that  weren’t  his  pulled  her  away.        into  a  darkened  alley,      where  accomplices  met  and  held  her  at  knife-point.        they  wanted  to  know  about  her  father.        her  uncles.        her  mother,     aunts,      grandfather.        stark  plans,      stark  anything   -   gravely  voices  that  wondered  how  many  pretty  pennies  they  could  get  if  they  just  took  her  off  the  streets  now.       held  her  until  they  paid,      and  maybe  they’d  just  kill  her  anyways.       the  rough  brick  of  the  building  at  her  back  digs  into  unmarred  skin,      leaving  it  scratched  and  red   -   prick  of  a  blade  just  centimetres  away  from  the  flesh  of  her  neck,      threatening  to  cut  it  open  and  leave  her  bloody.

she  can’t  figure  out  where  he  is,      the  man  who’s  supposed  to  love  her   -   seemingly  vanished  into  thin  air  the  minute  things  had  turned  sour.        sansa  is  convinced  of  the  worst,      mascara  tears  trailing  down  her  cheeks,      because  this  must  be  it.        the  end  of  it  all.

reprieve  is  the  sight  of  one  man,     then  two,      crumpling  to  the  ground.        a  familiar  face  appearing  in  the  dimly  lit  alley  as  the  knife  at  her  throat  clatters  to  the  ground  and  her  freedom  is  given.        alive  but  shaken,      sansa  hasn’t  been  the  same  since.

i  used  to  be  a  darling  starlet  like  a  centerpiece.       had  the  whole  world  wrapped  around  my  ring.      i  flew  too  closely  to  the  sun  that’s  setting  in  the  east,       and  now  i’m  melting  from  my  wings.

returning  to  a  normal  life  post  incident   -   post  trauma   -   has  been  easier  said  than  done.        now  reclusive  in  nature,      stowing  herself  away  for  days  in  her  high  rise  loft  apartment,      sightings  of  the  eldest  stark  daughter  are  said  to  be  few  and  far  between.        she  no  longer  frequents  her  own  boutique,      working  instead  from  home  and  through  various  intermediates  to  ensure  everything  is  well  controlled;      sansa  only  appears  when  it’s  absolutely  necessary,      when  business  requires  a  gentle,     steady  hand  and  cannot  be  managed  from  afar.        

custom  designs  are  still  available,     but  often  very   hard  to  come  by.        sansa  is  incredibly  selective  with  who  she’ll  meet  in  person  with,      and  thus,      only  those  who  can  guarantee  her  trust  have  been  able  to  get  them.

sansa  does,      however,      outfit  most  of  the  stark  syndicate  in  gear  that  is  both  fashionable  and  functional.        including  safety  measures   &   fabric  a  little  more  durable  than  most.        this  is  generally  the  extent  of  what  she’s  willing  to  do  for  the  syndicate,      the  idea  of  being  involved  in  violence  is  absolutely  terrifying  to  her,      especially  after  everything  she  went  through  without  even  being  more  than  a  child  of  known  members.

she  still  is  unaware  of  her  ex-fiance’s  involvement  in  the  attempted  abduction   -   if  he  was  working  along  with  the  men,      or  if  he  was  just  cowardly  enough,     uncaring  enough  to  have  let  her  be  pulled  from  his  arms.        she  hasn’t  spoken  to  him  much,      outside  of  ending  their  relationship  as  a  whole,      the  truth  isn’t  worth  the  extra  pain  it  may  cause,      or  so  she’s  convinced  herself  for  now.

wanted  connections  !!     i  may  send  some  of  these  into  the  main  after  a  bit  if  they  aren’t  filled  just  because  i’m  #needy.

judas    . . .      this  would  be  sansa’s  ex - fiance!      i  did  write  it  off  a  tweaked  and  modernized  version  of  her  relationship  with  joffrey  but  it  definitely  doesn’t  have  to  be  him.         their  relationship  was  seemingly  picture  perfect   -   and  likely  too  good  to  be  true.         they  were  frequent  party  and  club  attendees  together,      and  truly,      was  based  off  of  the  fact  that  being  together  was  akin  to  the  high  that  came  with  endless  drinks  and  fun.        ideally,      he  would  have  just  been  using  sansa  to  hopefully  siphon  information  or  even  to  gain  an  in  to  the  stark  family   -   the  possibilities  are  endless  and  i’m  ??   here  for  them?       sansa  romanticized  the  fuck  out  of  him  and  their  relationship,      ignoring  any  and  all  warning  signs  until  things  went  bad  the  night  of  the  after  club  incident.        essentially  she’s  ghosted  him,      aside  from  mailing  back  his  ring  and  a  letter  telling  him  it  was,      in  very  few  words,      over.      the  finer  details  are  very  much  so  up  for  discussion  and  interpretation  so  y’know,      run  wild.

white  horse   . . .      whomever  saved  sansa  from  the  alley   -   no  gender  requirements  because  we  love  equal  opportunity  ass  kickers  in  this  house.       they  had  at  the  very  least  an  acquaintanceship  with  sansa  in  the  past  and  after  their  act  of  heroism,     sansa’s  sort  of  attached  herself  to  them  in  a  very  idealized  way?      not  necessarily  romantically  but  very  clingy,     she  doesn’t  want  to  be  a  burden  but  also  it’s  very  hard  for  her  to  not  instinctively  shift  into  thinking  of  them  as  her  protector  and  she  just  needs  and  wants  to  feel  safe   . . .   all  of  the  time.        taken  by  dacey  mormont.

pink  pony  club   . . .     sansa’s  #squad.      their  relationship(s)  may  be  slightly  strained  from  sansa  shifting  into  recluse  mode,    but  ultimately  they  would  be  the  people  she  spent  the  most  time  with  previously.      dancing,    studying,    coffee  dates,    all  of  the  close  friend  things.      bonus  points  for  friendships  from  childhood  to  now,    because  we  all  need  the  montage  of  childhood  sleepovers  to  sansa  showing  up  at  their  house  at  6:00  in  the  morning  because  she  can’t  sleep  and  she  brought  coffee,    also  do  they  have  time  to  talk  about  how  she  can’t  stop  shaking  and  she  just  needs  a  hug.

also  if  you’ve  made  it  this  far,      ‘sup  i’m  mowgli  and  i  told  myself  i  wasn’t  allowed  to  join  the  discord  until  i  finished  my  intro  because  i  have  the  attention  span  of  a  goldfish  and  it  still  took  me  all  day   ??     anyways,     i’m  gonna  be  sneaking  myself  on  in  there  soon  but  y’all  can  feel  free  to  also  just  add  me  @  mohglee#0602  ty ty <3

[robiness]

Qrow was meant to be a punching bag (theory, V7CH12 spoilers)

tw: depression, one brief mention of suicide at the very end

Many are upset about the literal and narrative butchering of two beloved characters in RWBY V7E12. The initial and probably most popular argument against what happened is that it doesn’t make sense, why would these characters do what they did. And honestly, that reasonable reaction to the injustice was mine, too.

But now that I’ve “calmed down”, meaning I’m finally not in a whirlwind of blind rage, indignation, and devastation, I started thinking about “Why did they do that?” with some level of depth. 

The answer I found is still unjust and disgusting, but at least it fell in line with something resembling logic.

Qrow enthusiasts have been complaining about his endless heartbreak. Why can’t be be happy for once? What’s the whole point in his recovery arc this volume if they’ll just scrap it? It’s like they put random tragedies on a dart board and the writers just started throwing.

Hear me out - they meant all of this. Every instance Qrow suffered is intended. They didn’t throw away his recovery arc because he was never meant to recover. 

I think that they’re going to make him an antagonist at worst, or a man driven to the ultimate tragedy at best. 

At this point, you’re probably like. What. Lol no. You’re as silly as the writers are.

But again, let me explain. I used to have that mindset of Qrow always being best but sad boy. A hero who just needs a chance. 

There was NO way this man will ever go dark:

he probably thinks he lost summer to salem

his nieces are actively hunted by salem and her forces, and RWBY for sure ain’t changing sides 

he’s always believed in the principles he has, and he’s always applied them. he’s a good Huntsman who cares, and knows his path 

he believes in ruby’s determination and ability to probs save the world

But that’s the thing.

He’s ALWAYS stuck by the principles he learned from Ozpin. Betrayal after betrayal, he was crushed but managed to somehow bounce back. 

This volume, he was on a good track. A good mind space. His kids are great, but then he met an equal - someone with literal plot armor against his Semblance. Misfortune is the reason why he stays away from the people he loves, why he blames himself for a lot of things, why he feels like baggage. 

A person his age who could be a friend, or more. Huntsman of equal ability and maturity.

Queerbaiting aside (I’m sorry I ever used that phrase, I hate them too), Clover was a possibility. Here was a potential team partner, friend, lover, whatever, but the point is he was finally free to explore what a developing relationship is like because here’s a guy who kinda got him, and probably won’t be harmed by staying close for an extended period of time. 

I think the chemistry in their fights solidified this too. Clover was someone who didn’t get in trouble by being at his side (except the first time in the mines, and Clover took it in stride and still succeeded).

Even better, Clover actually vocalizes that hey, it’s okay.

He doesn’t dismiss Qrow’s semblance, but he encourages Qrow to let go of the guilt a bit, that he’s worth more than his bad luck, and can continue to work around it. 

Qrow was nowhere near full recovery, but he was definitely on the way with a bit of Clover’s help. Later, my precious man finally smiles for real... not his smirk or sad smiles to Ruby. He’s smiling for the enjoyment of the moment and things are looking up!

(slightly sorry for the gif below)

(V7CH12 gifs would be appropriate from here on, but I am NOT doing that to myself)

So what’s the point, Robiness? We all know how THAT story goes. Qrow gets trauma because it’s shown to him, yet again, that his Semblance fucks up the good things, that even someone with the most potential to be safe ISN’T. Not around him. 

The whole crash was OOC, rushed and bad writing, whatever. But why did it happen? 

Qrow is basically the poster boy for mental health in this show. He’s depressed, and to him AND to the outside world, he’s right in thinking he’s only going to hurt people. He’s been proven right, many times, that he is bad luck.

What’s different this time?

He didn’t have hope, the other times he was let down. He had hope for humanity, yes, and that he can somehow contribute to saving it.

But he’s never had hope for himself, that he could be more than his Semblance. Clover’s character gave that to him. He was already trying to quit drinking, but that was for Ruby and the other kids, and by extension their mission, but not for himself.

When CRWBY killed that hope, it killed anything inside of Qrow that could’ve thought that he could be a hero. Or even simply better than he was before.

He’s crushed, his mind is clouded. As Clover died, he wanted to kill Tyrian, then he wanted James to fall. The legal type of justice wouldn’t be enough to assuage his need for vengeance. 

And he’s alone. Perhaps about to be arrested, I don’t know. But every other time he’s been crushed, he had the kids around to divert the attention even a little bit. But this time, there’s no one to help him process and move past this. No positivity from Ruby, no scolding from Yang to keep it together. No one.

If you’ve ever had mental illnesses, you could probably imagine being alone in that fragile state of mind. 

And you know who’s the most likely to know where the heck he is and that he’s going through something? His sister, Raven, because of her Semblance. 

Details have been important in how RWBY is told to the audience (though they retract when convenient lol). Sometimes, this includes release dates. February is the last month of winter, slowly turning into spring. Yes, I mean the Spring maiden. 

Let’s talk about Raven. 

She’s angry at her brother, also for feelings of betrayal. He betrayed their tribe, their values, everything they stood for. He left her, his sister. He chose Ozpin’s mission over her, even though their original plan was to just infiltrate Beacon to learn how to kill Huntsmen better. 

This means she remembers a boy that had the same ideas and supported her and their family. I don’t think she can accept that this Qrow, the one we know, is her actual brother, how he should be. When it comes to Qrow, I think what matters to her the most is proving that she was right all along, that they should’ve just stuck together and kept to their practices. 

And Qrow, regardless of the spring bit, if he encounters her as he is now... could easily believe that she was right. After all, the facts to him are:

He can’t escape his Semblance, ever.

He needs vengeance for Clover, because his death was his fucking fault. His attempt to deescalate the fight (leaving Harbinger in the snow) didn’t matter, because his bad luck won in the end. 

A plausible 3. Doing things “the good way” “the right way” is never going to cut it for him because he is walking misfortune. Something will always go wrong.

So why not drop all fucks and go ahead full-force?

His mind isn’t in its best state right now, and all his decisions will of course be emotional. 

We’ve known Qrow from point A depression to point B somewhat recovery to point C the last fucking straw. I think it’s something to consider that we’ve never heard anything about his youth, except that he used to believe in the brutality of their tribe. He never mentions it, and we don’t know anything about the circumstances that made him change, beyond “Ozpin gave him a place”. 

He gave up his heritage just to be proven that brutality would have protected his loved ones better. 

So yes, the punching bag theme, the endless misery, Clover’s death - all these are most likely building up to that shift in his character. We thought the eventual character shift would just be his recovery, but since that was scrapped, the only other way that makes sense is that he’s going to regress into someone that cannot be saved.

He’s not going to switch sides. He’s not going to stop loving his kids. He’s probably never going to join Salem. 

But his methods will be more ruthless now, driven by heartbreak and rage and self-hatred. God knows how he’ll deal with anyone in his way. He’s not going to fucking listen. He listened to Clover, and where did that get him? 

This way, the violent, straightforward way he used to know, this would protect his kids more efficiently, even if they don’t want him to go down that path. He’d probably leave them to protect them, and to be unhindered in his corner of the war.  

He’ll think that this - to be a rage-filled killing machine - would be the best case scenario for him and the rest of the world. Kind of like how he followed RNJR from a distance, killing all the Grimm that could get in their way.

We thought he was a broken man before, but this has been escalating. It’s been probably planned out since before.

If you’re not convinced yet, remember:

RWBY loves literature parallels. 

Leo Lionheart changed, and gave in to fear. The Cowardly Lion.

James Ironwood, the Tin Man, has proven that he’s thrown away his heart. 

Qrow Branwen, the Scarecrow, was always fucking destined to lose his mind.

I don’t know what will happen after, what kind of sick tragic death he’ll end up with. Since they’re romanticizing his suffering so much, he’ll probably end up killing himself after his work’s done. 

I have no idea how the details will go, but I’m pretty sure this is the path the writers will take. There is just no other reason I can fathom as to why they keep hurting my man. I want to be wrong, but I can’t think of anything else, unless some deus ex machina shit happens in the finale, but hell if I’m ever trusting CRWBY again. 

And yeah, as a depressed person who relates to and loves Qrow, the idea of the message of “it’s never going to get better” fucking sucks.