#i want to embarrass myself here too
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not to be kinky on my kink blog but like…
been fantasizing about another snzfucker inducing me but, like, to their preferences .. making me sneeze over and over until i got it right. how long of buildups they wanted, if i should holdback or stifle, girly or masc sounding, whatever theyre into….. telling me the right way to sneeze for them …wah!!
#sorry. this is so embarrassing but like#its my kink blog right… this is what thats for…#didnt wanna add it bc i know s/m isnt everyones thing#(nsft here)#but i also would want. someone to punish me every time i didnt sneeze ‘right’#bc like.. were both snzfuckers.. id be getting off to it too. maybe tie my hands up and dont let me touch myself until i sneeze enough#or get forced to hold back when i do it wrong#punish me ..>\\\<#i want someone to coach me on the way they want me#to sneeze most and make me do it over and over totally at their mercy aha..?!#sorry i become more and more of a perv each day. not being able to j/o and being on tesyosterone isnt helped#ehe.
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Remembering that time in PoF Canach was in love with Rytlock
Featuring my main gw2 character, Soft Boi
#ok but like. What was the heterosexual explanation of it?#Canach i thought you were a bit closer to the commander. Couldn't you worry about me a little bit too?#Why you worry about Rytlock so much here. Why such a bad lie?? why so embarrassed?? Why such emotional voice?? (the end of ''The Sacrifice'#chapter btw. if anyone was curious)#What's the narrative purpose of this???#Rytlock Brimstone#Canach#Rytlock#rytnach#Kasmeer Meade#Fun fact. I told myself i don't want to draw them bc i done maybe 80% of all ship fanart of them and i want to jump into a wall#then i kept rotating this stupid quote in my brain. Still want to jump into a wall#Kasmeer#The commander#Guild Wars 2#Gw2#gw2 fan submission#2023#july#gw2 canach#gw2 rytlock#artists on tumblr#charr#furry#sylvari#gw2 fanart#HiddenCarpet#carpet's art#gw2 quotes#canach quotes
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#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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Oopsies my hand slipped and I drew this
#FINALLY gave into the urges and drew them. sorry guys the mental illness won this time#tbf i’ve been deranged about this pairing for almost a year now i think i have a right to indulge myself after so long#GOD this is embarrassing to post. my sense of shame is too strong to be posting cringe art of my godawful ships even on here#if you hate me for drawing this don’t worry i’ll go die in a hole after posting this!!!#just kidding i’ll actually probably draw more even though i find it embarrassing#death note#death note fanart#mello#mihael keehl#soichiro yagami#soichiro x mello#mello x soichiro#soichello#<— some of you may want to filter those last three tags considering that i post about them semi regularly#if you don’t know how i’m pretty sure you just go settings —> account —> filtered tags and put in whatever tag you want to filter#chara’s art#first time drawing soichiro and i draw him at the most difficult angle possible. why did i do that to myself#i mean it’s not bad for my first attempt but he looks. thinner?? then i intended???#mello’s face looks off here but i had fun drawing him#anyways happy new years. i spent the last few days of last year and the first few hours of this year drawing this#what an amazing and productive way of spending that time#new years resolution is to go outside and touch grass#i can’t stop writing in the tags. i think it’s because i’m hesitating to post this lmao#oh my god whatever just shut up and hit post
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2005 Chinese Grand Prix - Fernando Alonso(ft. Flavio Briatore)
#not pictured but: CRYING LAUGHING AT THE FACT THAT NANDO SET HIS OWN CAR ON FIRE BY REVVING FOR FUN TOO MUCH 😭😭#and the commentators saying 'well kids will be kids' abt it ^ im having a moment 🥺🥺🥺#not pictured: NANDO SINGING WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS ON THE RADIO 🥺🥺 I DIDNT REALIZE IT WAS FROM THIS RACE IM CRYINGNGGGG#all of the nando/flavio moments....if i speak-#theres just so many things i am staring intently at#SCREAMING CRYING THATS HIS BOY!!!! HIS BOYYYYY!!!!! LOOK AT THEM!!!!!!#im glad no one is around me when i watch race podiums bcs i make so many embarrassing squealing noises AHJDKFLFLLF#hate this podium(/s) bcs its peer-pressuring me into watching 2006 next...ahhhhh i might..#renault nando is just so....hes just sooooooo...he is my blorbo and i want more of him but ahhhh....#its really really so cute to imagine that zhou is somewhere at the racetrack watching nando win the wcc#apologies to ralf and kimi who are also on this podium but not pictured here but this is fernando's podiums theres too much good content#i hate to cut down these gif posts to 10 but then again i cant just post all 20 gifs i did make#speaking of gifs that didnt make it into this post theres one of him holding up '7' which will be included in a dif post!!#anyways im v sad that this journey is over but proud of myself for finishing it and posting all of these#tysm to everyone whos been here since round 1!! its been a lot of fun and i appreciate your support sm heheh#but worry not! the grind never stops! 2005 may be done but theres so many seasons i wanna watch#fernando alonso#fa14#2005 chinese gp#2005 chinese grand prix#renault nando#renault#flavio briatore#f1#formula 1#formula one#we do a little bit of f1#(2005: 19/19 races watched)#<- well that was satisfying to type out! :D
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back home and my washing is done and I need to eat lunch and do my ironing and then I've done all the tasks on my list and I can spend the rest of the day having a mental breakdown and then go straight to sleep woohoo
#wait no i cant bc my mum wants to call. well i can have like a 2 hr breakdown and then call her and make dinner and then get back to it#i cant go out or do anything nice its too much. for a taurus i rly suck at this hedonism shit 🙄#its fine just the comedown innit. love med mood swings bc i have smth to blame other than myself when i feel bad#and i was always gonna feel bad today anyway. its just a reminder of how im not even a real person and all i do is take from everyone#and i can never make up for that no matter how hard i try and i can never feel sorry enough abt it!!!!#lets not even get into it or ill be typing an entire monologue here. as per fucking usual anyway#its all good ill remember how to be normal in a bit 👍 god its so fucking embarrassing feeling like this sorry for ventposting#but i will blow the flat up with myself in it otherwise so. niche microblogging platform i use as a journal save me#eating my fuckign. Soup#.diaries#.vent
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...No one look at me. Alright?
#Mine 🎨🐍#Sorry for simplifying Henry's outfit so much I know. I'm ashamed of myself too. But I wanted to get this out of my head ASAP!!!#So that's why it's also not really as good as it could be LOL...#Anyway... here's my self-ship. If any of you even care.#I'm a siren that dreams of going on fantastic adventures but can't (for multiple reasons). Henry's a really good storyteller though.#Ughh.. actually this is so embarrassing can we all forget I posted this? Please?!#(( Hey guys itsYou know who it is. I like designing long haired men. For reference my Henry is kind of blonde also.
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wanting to get into selfship/yumedanshi shenanigans but idk where to start or how to like.. represent myself..? im in a weird stage where i dont have much of a concept of Belonging to a specific appearance. i have a sense of style i guess but not much else? and if i were to make an oc theyd be moreso My Taste more than whats actually me. and id feel weird lusting over my own self insert yknow
#el speaks#also. if i WERE to make myself in final fantasy id want to look like squall?#i resonate w his appearance a lot#like. even when i dye my hair and shit or had a buzzcut i still identified a lot w how he looks. seeing him has some sort of sense of myself#- attached#anyway if i do get into selfship stuff idk if id link my blog here or not#idk if id feel too embarrassed or i guess vulnerable? idk if thats apt#ive never made internet shrines or anything but i think itd be fun.. i also want to do art or maybe even. gasp. fanned fiction#idk like. me and cloud getting fruity little drinks at tifas bar and stuff
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when gerard way said “when i grow up i want to be nothing at all” i felt those words in my gdamn soul bro
#cried alone in my car parked in my driveway for like 17 minutes#i feel so hopeless and useless and stupid so so so stupid i’ll never be smart enough like the other nurses#i can’t fucking think im too slow i don’t know anything#it’s the emergency room and god for fucking bid i have an emergent patient i don’t know wtf to do ever#i don’t know how to initiate protocols or contact interdisciplinary or put in complex orders i don’t know anything i’m so useless#everyone thinks i’m stupid i’ve been on orientation for like 2 months know and i’m still the same useless stupid novice airhead new grad#i just get so frazzled i feel like everyone expects so much out of me and i have to be perfect to meet their standards#but im stupid im subpar im not good enough like them like#ever if they’ve been nurses for years and i’ve only been working as one for legit 2 months it’s just i still don’t know how to do anything#it’s like i can’t think i don’t do things how they want me to do them and then i look stupid im the attending doctor thinks i’m so dumb but#she wouldn’t even hear me out like i know you want both fluids running i know it’s important but he only has.1 IV and they aren’t compatible#we’re trying to start a second IV and he had difficult veins like why are you trying to tell me i’m stupid i know why you ordered it thatway#it’s like nobody gets my dumbass brain but that’s not their fault bc they can think clearly and convey their thoughts to people without#sounding like a fucking dumbass i have no critical thinking skills im just useless i hate this so much i don’t want to be here it sucks#i never wanted to be a nurse i never wanted to be anything i was 12 years old hoping i’d be dead by 18#and now i’m 23 and i’m still fucking here but it’s clear i shouldn’t be i don’t fit in im not fit for society#i should be euthanized like an unwanted dog that’s been at the shelter for too long that’s exactly what i am#20min later still crying can’t stop being a fucking crybaby pitypartying myself i’m the worst oh my god grow the fuck up already#why is everything so difficult for me why can’t i just fit in literally everyone knows i don’t belong#i’m the dumbest most useless new grad orientee and EVERYONE knows it even management it’s so embarrassing#i’m so embarrassed to be alive and take up space that could be filled by someone so much better smarter prepared someone meant to be there#i don’t want this i don’t want any of this i never wanted to grow up im just a kid in my head i’m so pathetic#i wish i was smart and good at something i wish people looked at me and thought o wow i respect her bc she’s also a good nurse#nobody likes me i’m such a burden to everyone the doctors my preceptors other nurses who deserve to be there#i’m leaking snot everywhere today wasn’t even that bad but i think it’s all just hitting me now how helpless i am#i’m so tired of myself and waking up and making a fool of myself every shift fucking stupid loser i hate myself i try so hard and it’s not#it’s not enough it’s never enough im not enough im an imposter i’ll never be as good as the other nurses even tho i’m really really trying#i seriously don’t want to do this anymore i don’t want to be here i can’t do it everyone knows i’m not cut out for this they all talk shit#ramblings
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👩❤️💋👩
#its late enough i feel the yuri summer approaching!!!!!!!!!!!#for real this time too#yk i embarrassingly explained this to my bff in a pizza place the last time we saw#so might as well say it in here before every stranger on the internet#but like. i feel like a real person lately#i feel like ever sice i turned 18 19 ive been slowly building myself and FINALLY i feel like a real actual human being#and with feeling like a human being comes some confidence and with confidence comes kissing new people.......#i want this to be the sunny 'vilu' just spacetrash yuri summer of 2024#hm. this is getting embarrassing i might delete this one in the morning too#but its true! lately ive been feeling like a person for the first time in my whole life#my post#i just wanna kiss....... is that so wrong:<<#it feels good too to like. have friends and be able to INITIATE CONTACT???? 16 yo me would be reeling at that#maybe i will become a real actual person with time and practice!!!!!!
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i need more sitting-down activities that i can do outside urghghh i want to sew but it's too windy (even just a small breeze is too much) to be working with little pieces of fabric and thread. also sidenote hey guess who learned they've been tying knots in the thread the wrong way their entire life (Kam says we did actually know the correct way to tie a knot years ago but that knowledge didn't get passed to me as a part but I don't know if I believe that fsdjkl). i've been doing some arcane wizard shit with tying the thread after threading the needle and I watched a video a few days ago of someone sewing something and saw the way they looped it around their finger and pulled it through and my brain just about exploded HFDSGJKL
anyways. i usually end up drawing outside but sometimes I simply do not want to draw. same with crochet. but I don't know any other easy sitting-down activities that i can do outside so then i don't get outside as often as I'd like to because I cannot think of anything to do AUGH
#and i'd like to go for walks more but unfortunately we have bears in the neighbourhood in broad daylight fdsjkl#so walking by myself is not really safe#sucks though bc i miss walking down to the [redacted] to just hang out in nature :(#somehow with the many hobbies i have i do not feel like i have enough fdsjkl#i always feel like i should be doing more. more for fun and more for creating and more for productivity and more for trying to find income#augh augh augh. psychic damage x10000000#i could work on just plain old worldbuilding i guess in my notebook hmmmm but i think i'd like Two more activities to choose from#mostly i just want to SEWWWW that's all i've been wanting to do lately bc i'm making a really fun lil thing sdfjkl#i may share it here when im done but also maybe i'll be too embarrassed fsjkl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#WAIT !!!!!!! READING !!!! I CAN READ OUTSIDE#OKAY ONE MORE ACTIVITY I CAN DO OUTSIDE AND THEN I'LL HAVE FIVE TO CHOOSE FROM
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Hmm I need to make another embarrassing gender post but not right now I think
#Embarrassing in that like. I mean it's all embarrassing. It's embarrassing to have spent this long missing the point#And to talk about that in public. I am 27 years old and I have id'd as nonbinary for almost a decade and yet I could not refer to myself#as transmasc or incorporate that meaningfully into my self-concept until like. This year. Due to... REASONS???#I literally don't even know! There IS no reason! I just didn't want to deal with it because it seemed harder than resigning myself to being#mistaken for a woman for the rest of my life??? I guess???? Stupid and cowardly tbh#Meanwhile tying myself in knots over like. Disproportionately identifying with queer men in fiction and deciding this was some sort of Crim#'Here is a thing that transmascs often do. Not me though I'm doing it for some other reason' I wasted SO MUCH TIME on this#It's not even really important i just invested a lot of energy into repression for WHAT. and like also on the internet the way I have#described myself over time is like. I am probably revealing some embarrassing things about the way I have engaged with my relationship to#gender that were not apparent until I started getting over myself/moving on from that bullshit. So that's great#I don't know man I would like to feel unequivocally good about sorting my shit out and finally doing what needs to be done#but mostly I just feel like I took too long and now I'm making myself look like an idiot. Idk man. I suck actually!#Oh look I basically did make the post anyway but as tags. Extremely me behavior
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last post ended up deleting my tags so im continuing them here
#but.#even after all the time i had aparti still went back at 16#i traveled across the country just to see her again#and it fucking sucked#she ripped that wound right back open#which . felt so weird because she WANTED me to come#she made all the plans#honestly the train trip there was nice#i got to experience a lot of cool things#but the second i got there. it was . one of the worst times of my life#just nonstop#and now ive finally been away for awhile again#but i still miss her#& i dont know why#but it also doesnt help the only gf i have ever had did the same type of thing LMAO//.... i .. i just cannot win#maybe it's just my roll#say all these nice things n then immediately flip#she would make me hang out w her friends n talk me up n then. cheat on me with them with me there#& then get upset when i cried or tried to break up w her LMAO...#like. she wasnt poly or anything she was actually against it#but the worst part is how openly & loudly she'd love me right before it. so now i never know who is telling the truth. i never feel safe#but anyway. again. i stayed#over n over again id try to break up w her but then i loved her & so when she got upset n threaten to kms id flip n stay#n she'd do it again#until eventually she broke up w me n left me so fuckd up im not gonna lie JHVAJH#she still tried to stay friends after that n i tried#but then i started sobbing mid card game & it was very embarrassing top 10 worst things i have done#but i just. all i want is to be a good person. i want to be someone good & loving but i feel like im such a jealous monster#even if i dont let myself show it n try to ignore it bc i dont want to hurt anyone or be this awful it;s still here. just. permeating.#what if i feel too much what if ill never know when someone is genuine what if im just an evil obsessive freak n everyone i love hates me
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#hiding this in the tags bc it’s kind of embarrassing and i need to get it off my chest#and i could journal about it but i just want someone to see me#sorry for being cringe <333#but i don’t know what the hell i am like i don’t know if i’m even nonbinary anymore and that scares me like being nonbinary felt like coming#home after a long trip#and now i’m having all these thoughts about wanting to be a man? like near tears rn bc i want to be a guy but then when i think of actually#being a guy i freak out a bit#bc i like being seen as feminine too and i know that there are feminine men and they get treated so terribly#and i feel like all the men i see that i want to be like or look like are white! why don’t i see any black trans men like i feel so alone#and i’m scared to look/be openly trans bc there’s so much violence against people like us that it feels safer to just cosplay as a cis woman#even though i’m not#like i don’t want to be a boy but i want to be one and i absolutely don’t want to be a girl but i’d like to be seen as someone sometimes#it’s all very confusing#AND like i know i’m biromantic like im attracted to all genders and people#but im like? am i on the ace spectrum#bc i have a low sex drive am often sex repulsed and will sometimes ‘test’#myself to see if im sexually attracted to people and most of the time it’s like#it’s like meh not really but sometimes im like sure but that’s rarer and rarer these days?? and like. tmi here but i jerk off and enjoy it#so i can’t be asexual right?? i tried looking it up but the articles just confused me#but then i also am like with the right person if i had a connection to them i wouldn’t mind having sex with them! but like. then i think#about actually having to be in a relationship and i’m like gross no but i think that’s just relationship trauma and fear of being#vulnerable#and like i know i don’t HAVE to have a label on my gender or sexuality but for me personally it helps to know What i am#and and i love butches so so so much and if i’m a man how can i love butches? like#it’s all so confusing#i feel like i’m 14 and going through puberty again
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help girl i got too silly <\3 (overthought every interaction ever)
#im okay i think#(lying)#hoooh boy#ill be alr but girl (/gnc) what the fuck is this#nahh i could’ve had a NORMAL FUNCTIONING brain but yknow what i got instead ?#a sentient lump of meat. that likes to imagine scenarios that will *never* happen and form ideas of what people think of it#even if like. yknow. ITS IRRATIONAL AS FUCK AND LIKELY WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING#see. if i was a house cat i wouldnt have to worry bout this shit . just be kitty. lick paw. take nap. eat. in whatever order i desire.#oh and be silly and cute.#‘’embarrassing myself in front of a customer? overthinking what a coworker said?’’#‘’eeerm. oh? you wanted to carry on about your day?’’#‘’too bad. here’s the underlying feeling of dread for the next few hours. have fun!’’#I HATE BEING SENTIENT RAHHH RAHHH#I COULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE GUY DOING LITTLE THINGS. WHAT IS THIS!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!#i know i should be a big guy and act like it. but sometimes you gotta like. be a little insane.#okay anyways anxiety rant over. if for some reason you read my rant while i was Probably loosing my mind um.#1. i am sooo sorry you had to witness my illposting#2. i give you a little smooch (/p) for sticking with me . I bite you . (/pos)#kazzy complains#me when im cringe on main
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#tag talk#anytime my friends point out that something I say is good advice or express that they see me as aspirational I'm always just like....#wtf how am I am example to look up to I'm just an idiot bumbling his way through life trying to avoid hitting her head on cabinet corners#honestly it's mostly just seeing mistakes others have made and going “I will not make those mistakes. I will make weirder mistakes than that#like. it feels a little like the “I'm eighty years old I'm done with putting up with everyone's bullshit” except it's#it's “I didn't kill myself so I'm not gonna put up with bullshit anymore”#like. I chose life. I'm not about to half-ass that decision. I'm not gonna walk back that decision. I'm not going to flinch away from it.#that fuckin... “what do we have to fear but fear itself” quote or whatever. like.. I died. you think anything else is gonna scare me?#if I'm going to be stuck here on this planet you bet your ass I'm gonna make the most of it. I'm not gonna be embarrassed. no shame.#we're all living here until we die and the things that matter are your own life and then the people around you.#I'm not going to miss out on a chance to find community and connection just because I'm afraid. I'm done being afraid.#though... I have been feeling shrimp emotions for the past two weeks and my stomach has tied itself up in knots over it.#I'm so detached because I'm afraid of feeling my emotions too strongly. so letting go and experiencing emotions is a lot for me.#and agghfffgghh I'm going to make it through this I'm going to make it through this but damn it's really rough#allowing yourself to get close to someone again after solidifying your position as unassailable is so hard.#especially because I've gotten so used to shielding the emotions of other people. hard to be honest when your honesty will hurt them#it's wild being around someone who's not wildly insecure because I can be genuine and honest and not worry about what I say hurting her.#I could say “I'm leaving in a year do you still want to date?” and trust that she would actually think it through and give a reliable answer#like. I can handle just my emotions because she's able to handle hers.#being in mental health spaces for so long I'm not used to interacting with emotionally stable people lmaooo#do you think I'm emotionally stable? I don't think I am. but then I meet other people who are wildly more unstable than I am and hmmm#like. sui wasn't an emotional choice it was a cost benefit analysis. I get emotionally unstable sure. but I contain myself until it's over.#I know enough to not be impulsive because I recognize impulsive behavior in others and thus in myself as well.#so like. I'm unstable but I'm not externally unstable. I know how to isolate when I'm in a wounded lashing out state.#anyway I've been processing so many emotions this past week because I'm wildly out of practice with allowing myself emotional honesty#instead of just bricking myself up behind my defensive apathy. I want to hold onto this. I want to continue to channel these emotions.#I want to be unafraid to tell people when I love them#though with her it's more of a Nerevarine situation. you are not someone I love but rather someone who might become that.#like. I haven't known her long enough to really say I love. but I very much think if things continue how they are I will be confident in it#and not even romantic love per se. I have some old friends who I genuinely love. several siblings who I love. most people I know I do not.
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