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tatianafarenheit · 3 years

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Devourer (open ending)

TW: GORE, slight lime,

It was pouring. The wind was howling woefully while it quickly rushed trought the trembling leafs of the Wangshu Inn’s Foundation of a tree. Even the sound of the other travelers, stopping for the night, was drowned by the white noise that rang trough-out the halls of the Inn, creating a terribly uncomfortable sensation of chaos. Xiao hated these kind of nights where the inn was bustling more than usual, and the fact that his only remaining comrade from the war was near him did not comfort him either.

He felt restrained almost rigid at the heavy awkwardness that strangled the room for the past two hours. Neither him or Yanay said a single word since they first reunited and Xiao’s mind was near overheating while trying to think of something to say.

His attempts where rewarded with emptiness and that frustrated him. He hated feeling like a kid, palms almost sweaty because he could not communicate with the only being that experienced the same pain he did, the only being who also had to witness the same horrors of war and was unfortunate enough to live on to tell the story.

Truth be told, they didn’t end on the best terms. Xiao blamed Yanay for years for the cause of his comrades deaths and vice versa, only to realize later that the person to blame was the misleading messenger between them. Yanay didnt in fact given the wrong orders, the messenger did and Xiao in fact did not leave his friends to die because he ran off, he was just too late to help.

Every since the truth emerged the both of them felt uncomfortably awkward next to each other, stuck between feeling a need to apologize and not wanting to open the wound that the sorrowful memories left behind. How easy it would be if stolen glances could be an actual form of communication. Yanay hearts raced while looking at Xiao, she felt a painful voide eating away at her heart while she looked at the broken man, a small fragment of what he used to be, almost like a living memory of the past, a guardian cursed to carry and reopen his old wounds each time he looked around him. Every single fragment of Liyue was a breathing reminder of what happened upon its lands all those years ago.

Yanay managed to find herself a new purpose, or more like the purpose found her. Ningguan found the resentful and nugatory girl and could not help but see potential in her, a woman that only needed someone to open her eyes. Ningguan offered her a job and a promise of a new start, a painfully docile life, she promised she would never have to suffer again and so Yanay followed her. Ningguan’s helping hand helped Yanay wake up, but only by her own will did she only find herself again, patching up her still bleeding old wounds hoping that one day they would stop…but they still bleed to this day.

Thats the difference between Xiao and Yanay is that Xiao accepted it, came to terms with the brokenness his whole existence represents, he got accustomed to the horrible misey that chews and spits him out every time he breathes, so accustomed to it to the point he doesnt feel it anymore. Yanay on the other hand could not, her mind still whispers menacingly to her, each time her eyelids tremble shut, the terrifying truth she had to endure. And each time, she fights it, she refuses it wholeheartedly, her resistance only making everything burn even more and even deeper.

“Im going to sleep” Yanay whispered and Xiao heard it, looking away and only giving a hum as a response. He felt bad, truly, he wish he could speak to her more, to apologize, to tell her that he can be there- but his savage heart wont let him, his prode chaining his mouth shut so he could not get himself hurt more. He tried to justify his actions by saying things such as ‘she wouldn’t care anyway’; ‘it would not help her so whats the point?’ But Xiao forgot to consider how much Yanay cared for such small things, how much she cherished in the back of her rotting soul the fact that someone thought that she deserved an apology.

Yanay laid down, her back facing Xiao, afraid of letting him see her composure falling apart each second she was next to him. And so with one last heavy puff of air her eyes closed. Xiao soon followed laying as far away as possible from her.

Xiao was awoken by the sound of the sheets being tousled around and as he looked in Yanays direction he could only see her figure hunched over. “Why are you awake?” He said in a gruff voice, slight annoyance tainting his tone from being awoken this early in the night. What he saw next made him freeze up, his blood turned cold and eyes froze open. Yanay looked back at him with tears in her wide eyes “Take them away-“ she barely whispered, her voice trembling along with the hands that gripped her sides in a crushing strenght.

Xiao felt like his world crashed down onto him, his veins thinning as he looked the the now seemingly vulnerable woman in front of him. His whole idea of who Yanay is was completely ruined, hes never seen her like this. So fragile and so… brittle- It was almost like someone’s possessed her body.

“You can eat dreams, right? Please-“ the girl cut herself short, her eyes scanning him frantically. She knew she was asking for too much, she felt it so deep in her bones that they felt like they might snap-. “I know im asking for too much but please- take them! Devour them until theres not even a single one that escapes!” Her voice was getting more and more unstable, her gaze running over the room back and forth, avoiding his apparent burning gaze. He just stared for a second, it all felt unreal to him. His breathing got labored and heavy as he saw the marking scene before him. A warrior turned to a broken maiden, looking for a kind of alleviation that only he could bring her.

Yanay took his silence as a refusal, her cheeks burning with embarrassment as she turned back to her hunched position. His gaze felt unbearably heavy on her back, almost quelling her to the point she felt minuscule. “Never mind- it was stupid of me to ask that. Please forget i ever said anything.” There it goes again, the voice Xiao was so accustomed to. He couldn’t help but feel a wave of disappointment wash over him.

Without rationality he reached out to her, his fingers grabbing onto her shoulder and turning her around a bit more harshly than what he meant.

Yanay jumped, her composure falling apart by his own hand. “Tell me what dreams im looking for..” his voice was awfully soft, so soft that it made a small electric string run up Yanay’s spine, a wave of ecstasy running over her body. But once the realization of what he really asked hit her, her eyes turned dark and cold. The kind of eyes Xiao used to have, so he immediately knew what he had to look for. “I will help you but-“ it was now his turn to look away in embarrassment, his face feeling way too scorching all of the sudden.

Yanay stared at him and thought of how she’s never looked at him in this kind of light before, he was absolutely breathtaking and innocent, not a shred of bad ill painted onto his face and so yet again she felt selfish for never trying to understand him- and now- here she is, asking him to do something that he most likely won’t enjoy. “Its gonna be a hell of a lot to take in, not only for you but me as well.” He continued and turned back to look at her. She almost gasped once her eyes met his, shes never seen them so close in order to see the true intensity they held. His gaze pierced trough her with such power that her breathy hitched. She only nodded. Xiao sighed, his fingers now trembling onto her skin knowing that whats about to come wont be able to be erased. Yanay’s perception of him was about to change even more.

“Turn around for me..” his voice was almost a whisper but still so moving that it made goosebumps rise on Yanay’s skin. She eagerly complied, her shoulders relaxing under his vexing touch. As she tuned around the sound around her began to fade, her attention fully concentrated onto Xiao. The next thing she felt was his chest pressed against her back, so tender yet so much pressure. She had to restrain herself from releasing a shuddered gasp once his body connected to hers. Her skin lit up, nerves trembling deliciously. Xiao felt it too, his eyes closing shut as he bit back a groan, his hands rose next to Yanays own hands, almost afraid of touching her thinking that shes gonna break. He was afraid that she’s gonna be repulsed by his touch but nonetheless he placed his hands in front of Yanay’s torso. “Grab onto one of my hands and relax into me.” He said again, his breath gently caressing Yanay’s ear shell.

Yanay’s lucidity began to dissolve, he was so close oh so close that if she turned around she could kiss him…to bad that will never be an option. After regaining a fracture of her rationality back, she complied to his words, her hand gripping one of his while she relaxed fully into him. His other hand gripped her jaw and moved it so that her face was right under his. Her eyes opened and looked at Xiao with such an irresistible innocence that he almost lost it. It was refreshing to see his comrade so complying and so sweetly vulnerable. Xiao leaned his head in, his lips barely above hers, so close that she could feel the heat coming from his face.

“Tell me when you if want me to stop..” he said against her lips before they met. Yanay’s heart felt like it was imploding, beating so hard and fast that it almost punched trough her ribcage but what came next took Yanay by surprise even more. Her limbs started to feel like putty, so soft and light. While her mind started to become intoxicated and slow, she wasn’t thinking of anything but Xiao and the overwhelmingly pleasurable feeling that started to spread inside her. It almost felt like and aphrodisiac, her body disconnecting from her mind, detaching so much that it almost felt like another person possessing her body. Xiao felt the affects too, his hand gripping Yanay’s jaw harder as he leaned his head in more, deepening the kiss, his tongue running hungrily over hers. While he knew that he was supposed to focus only on devouring Yanay’s horrible nightmares he couldn’t help but indulge in the sweet release that she was, a breath of fresh air. He wanted to claim her, to make her heal him with just her presence and maybe he could help her by erasing every parasitic nightmare that plagued her thoughts every night, but that wouldn’t be healthy and he knew it.

Yanay tried so hard to grip onto her lucidity but the more she tried the damned thing ran further and further away. Her flesh felt like smoldering cinder while her stomach felt like a void, it felt like feathers were running over her skin. She was so overwhelmed that she almost passed out from the electrifying feeling that he induced. Xiaos hand left hers and opted for her waist, digging his fingers in and dragging her torso impossibly closer to his. She was so delicious that it drove him mad, forget the damned nightmares he wanted to devour her. To rip her ignorant facade apart and watch her true face show itself from the ruins that he alone tore down.

His hunger was cut short when he finally reached the nightmares he was looking for and they were exactly as he expected. Corpses rotting on the muddy field while tired soldiers pushed on whith their last breath, people screaming and crying and the worst of all, the feeling of being helpless, powerless, the feeling of having to watch knowing you cant change a god damn thing.

He couldnt stand looking at the dreadfully realistic replicas of the past so he started tearing them down, devouring the from the most affecting ones to the lesser. He tore them down with each movemnt of his lips against hers and she couldnt have been more grateful. Suddenly his kisses turned from exhilarating to melting. His movements so soft and tender that Yanay felt like she was about to burst. She never realized how much she craved this feeling before and now- now she couldnt get enough of it, she was frightened that if he touched her like that one more time shed forever be bound to him, craving him each second of her existence. Her hand slowly moved to the nape of his neck, softly caressing his satin like hair.

Xiao couldnt do anything but melt under her gentle touch, his mind finally going at ease after all of these tormenting years he had to indure all alone. Afraid as if shed disappear from his desperate clutch, he held her closer, relishing into this intoxicatingly serene moment. Oh how he truly wished they could stay like this more…

#angst #fluff #xiao fluff #genshin impact #xiao x you #xiao x oc #limeish #xiao x reader #adeptus xiao

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lightneverfades · 4 years

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Frostiron Holiday Wishes Challenge ❆ 🎅🎄Master Post!

Thank you to all those who’ve submitted a prompt/wish and lovely artwork/fics for these wishes! Here is a compiled list of all the prompt fills received! :D <3

Requester: @kimmycup Wish (Prompt/Idea): Invasion fic where Tony figures out Loki was mind controlled before Loki does: "But I WAS in control. Thanos didn't control me like I did Clint." "Yeah sure. And if you wanted to take over the world, what would you do?" Loki spluttered, fully aware that plan was dumb. Still, he would KNOW if he were controlled... Right? "But I wasn't mind controlled! It was me!"

❆ Fill: By @worstloki Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638613717830008832/

Requester: @brianadoesart Wish (Prompt/Idea): Cupcake shop au!!! One of our boys owns a cupcake shop and the other one is a FREQUENT visitor to said coffee shop. Lots of people think its because they have a sweet tooth, but they're just hopelessly in love with whichever one owns the shop.

❆ Fill: By @worstloki Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638613402351239168/

Requester: @snarkyship Wish (Prompt/Idea): Human/no powers AU. Sort-of-enemies to friends to lovers.Tony rents this house/bungalow by the sea for the summer, with a kind of private beach where there is also a cute gazebo. Only that the gazebo is exactly halfway with the other property (by some mistake?). And the tenant of the neighbour bungalow is Loki, who's not so keen on sharing. So Loki&Tony will start a "war" to gain possession of the gazebo, doing their worst using the excuse of "this is my half, I can use it as I want". ((Optional: there is a table right in the middle, so at the beginning they sit at their own side glaring at each other, before starting deploying more convoluted tactics)).Mischief after mischief, they will start to know each other and of course everything will end with one of them inviting the other to their half for a romantic dinner and they'll end up sharing more than the gazebo <3((I hope it's enough clear and but also not too detailed??))

❆ Fill: By @worstloki Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638612819398606848/

Requester: @loufeysson Wish (Prompt/Idea): Hi! my prompt is teenage Tony and android Loki in a futuristic universe (in the style of Black Mirror, maybe?) 🥺👉🏼👈🏼 Thank you!

❆ Fill: By @lightneverfades (yours truly haha!) Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638487122698010624/

Requester: @lightneverfades Wish (Prompt/Idea): Loki is a yoga instructor and one day Tony goes to one of his classes and finds out the best positions to ‘relax’ - body, mind and soul >:D. (I love puns, so go crazy hahaha!)

❆ Fill: By @snarkyship Link: https://snarkyship.tumblr.com/post/638415118181580800/

Requester: @martiszcz Wish (Prompt/Idea): Someone is trying to break them up by making Loki jealous, mentioning Tony's playboy years, talking about the time they slept with Tony, talking about how much time he spends with some friend (Pepper, Rhodey, I don't care who) but Loki doesn't react - they trust each other.

❆ Fill: By @snarkyship Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638434199159865344/

Requester: Nivael * Wish (Prompt/Idea): Loki and Tony are in an established relationship. Things go great, but Loki is still unaccepting of his Jotun heritage and body. While Tony is completely fascinated by it, partly because Loki tries to hide it so hard. So he gets a fancy magical gadget from Strange (amulet, bracelet,...?) to be able to avoid frostbite so he can touch Loki even when he's in his Jotun form. Then there will be smut! :D

❆ Fill: By @snarkyship Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638434042873872384

Requester: @loufeysson Wish (Prompt/Idea): Hi! my prompt is teenage Tony and android Loki in a futuristic universe (in the style of Black Mirror, maybe?) 🥺👉🏼👈🏼 Thank you!

❆ Fill: By @snarkyship Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638433959345274880/

Requester: @arandomsewer Wish (Prompt/Idea): I just want him to live on and being supported by his Friends and his brother recognizing him, that's basically the prompt. Tho here's the details of the Idea I had: Loki is living at the tower with the others (of course) too proud to say out loud how much he likes life on earth... The usual.Something happens and suddenly the magic that made him look Asgardian is just not working anymore. Understandably, he freaks out. Im talking hides in his room, crying, anger, hate, on himself and others... The whole lot, he just throws a major fit.The others know him and kind of understand and are patient... But it’s not getting fixed. Days pass, and he's stuck like this. After a while Tony snaps him out of It, and he slowly calms down and starts learning to accept this side of himself. It’s specially strange to him how he can just walk in a room and no one treats him different. How the others are even fascinated by this form. I expect Thor being shocked and curious and snapped at and reminded how he (and his people on general) have been unfair to Loki... And of course, there's the romance with Tony, Who loves him in all his forms (and they fit together 'cause he's kinky and Loki a shapeshifter)Also imagine Loki being terrified of touching Tony and then finding out he's cold to the touch but not actually dangerous (my headcanon: he's the son of Hella. Half giant and half Asgardian, and the actual heir... But that's for another fic)

❆ Fill: By @snarkyship Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638433872244326400/

Requester: @kimmycup Wish (Prompt/Idea): Loki in Tony's MIT sweatshirt.

❆ Fill: By @snarkyship Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638403067804598272/

Requester: @worstloki Wish (Prompt/Idea): Tony and Loki both having panic attacks at the same time. just make it wild. whatever the reasons are, maybe it's the same reason? maybe they have shared triggers? maybe it's separate reasons? maybe the other avengers are around and don't realize the incoming attacks and keep bringing up bad memories? maybe one of them notices the other is freaking out and defends them? maybe drags them away only to also start having a panic attack? whatever. they're both freaking out and just kinda do that. they then bond over it. (this can be crack or angsty I don't mind)

❆ Fill: By @snarkyship Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638402945408499712/

Requester: @shinindragon Wish (Prompt/Idea): The Avengers + Loki fight a villain. Loki uses a lot of his magic, eventually almost draining his energy completely when he protects Tony from getting hurt. When the battle is over, they return to the tower, all of them exhausted. Tony notices Loki doesn't look well, he asks if he's okay. Loki barely gets a word out before he collapses into Tony's arms, unconscious. Thor carries Loki to Tony's and his bedroom, explaining to Tony that he'll be alright, it's just exhaustion from an excessive use of magic. Tony stays with Loki, taking care of him. Fluff and with a sprinkle of angst.

❆ Fill: By @snarkyship Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638402848705675264

Requester: @blancoluna Wish (Prompt/Idea): Basically Friga wonders where she went wrong, asks the Oracle and goes on a guilt trip realizing she messed up to Valhalla and back. The idea is, being a queen-godess of family, she should be able to do something about it, maybe traveling in time or something... And Loki's gonna need powerful allies and Friends, like the Avengers, for example Now the same, but with detail. This is the way I imagined It. Perhaps it’s too much drama? I just don't know how to tackle It or how to go from here:After everything that happened, Frigga wonders where she went wrong, not just with Loki, but with Thor who didn't appreciate his brother, Odín, who treated him unfairly and even the servants, Who didn't respect him.She wonders if she could have done anything, and the guilt wont let her sleep until she goes to the well of wisdom, the Oracle, to seek answers.She is warned the truth may be even more painful. She may not like the answer... But she goes in.It is way worse than she thought: in one second she is reminded of all the times she should have acted, and chose not to, and she sees how It affected her family.She could and should have done something, and she had plenty of time, but at every chance she chose not to. And its perhaps worse than what Odin did because she knew It was wrong but chose to do nothing about It.But even more: It is confirmed to her that not only Odín never gave Loki a chance: he didn't find him. He stole him from the temple where he was guarded. He is not just the son of Louffey, but also of Hella, and thus, the actual heir to the throne of Asgard.She was supposed to be the godess of family, and here she was, consumed by guilt and shame, by having followed blindly a King Who abused her children and betrayed his own heir, aside from many other crimes.But Frigga can't just spend the test of eternity crying. She must do something. She was raised by witches!!Will she manage to get her hands on the time Stone? Or Will she just travel to another dimension to warn a younger version of herself? Will this be the beginning of a new multiverse? The possibilities are endless, when the godess of family must avenge her child...But first: for him to have a better Life he would need support, allies... Friends. (Enter the Avengers)

Add-on: Frigga having this vision was just meant to be a one shot that would connect many different alternative stories, all with the 'what if Frigga did something for Loki' as a common base. All of them would be Frostiron 'cause I honestly believe they are just meant for one another! It is just so open to so many possibilities... That I never got to writing any of them.

One of the first ideas I had following this concept was of Frigga introducing Tony and Loki early on somehow: as kids they would be like 'imaginary friends' then Tony manages to contact him and they are webcam buds... As young adults, they would help each other go a different path than they did in other lives.... and when Loki needed help, he had allies to back him. (The Avengers, whom Tony may have introduced to him earlier)

❆ Fill: By @snarkyship Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638402661807521793

Requester: @brianadoesart Wish (Prompt/Idea): A.... Among Us au....... Impostor Loki protecting his crewmate friend Tony from the other impostors.... I..... Tony and Loki as Among Us beans...

❆ Fill: By @snarkyship Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638403011653353472/

Requester: @kimmycup Wish (Prompt/Idea): Loki in Tony's MIT sweatshirt.

❆ Fill: By @shinindragon Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638390052569907200

Requester: @brianadoesart Wish (Prompt/Idea): A.... Among Us au....... Impostor Loki protecting his crewmate friend Tony from the other impostors.... I..... Tony and Loki as Among Us beans...

❆ Fill: By @kimmycup Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638390059063803904

Requester: @brianadoesart Wish (Prompt/Idea): MERMAIDS. I like mermaids. Either a fic or art, but I just want more content of mer-Loki or mer-Tony. I always enjoy versions where Loki is an underwater prince who falls in love with a stupid human inventor by the name of Tony. He's never been 100% happy in the palace with Thor and the others, so he often would go to the shore to watch the humans. He sees Tony working on the beach one day and becomes interested in him from there on. Basically a little mermaid type thing... I am easy to please. I just like mermaids.

❆ Fill: By @lightneverfades (yours truly haha!) Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638511932186525696/

Requester: @snarkyship Wish (Prompt/Idea): Finally Tony has managed to locate Loki's whereabouts. And it turns out the godling lives in a pretty loft in Manhattan, with all the comforts and the most advanced midgardian technology ((lighting, temperature and everything controlled by a tablet - the Stark latest model!- , appliances linked to the wifi, and has that roomba a knife??)).Tony decides to have a little fun: who said Loki is the only one who can do a little mischief?? So he takes control over Loki's apartment hacking its system; he starts with some flickering lights, the roomba changing suddenly trajectory to stab him, then blasting music in the middle of the night and so on.And Loki would be so frustrated: at the beginning he thinks about some failure in the inferior midgardian technology, then he'll think to be under attack, but he can't feel any magic signature!! Maybe he'll freak out a little, because there is some kind of unknown entity??? ((And while he may be using all the technology without problems, it doesn't mean he fully understands its working)).Tony will have fun, but he also will discover some cute aspects of Loki's personality, like he sings to his plants and he likes to wear fuzzy socks ((ok it sounds voyeuristic, but Tony would respect part Loki's privacy, maybe he'll spy on him only when in the living room or kitchen)).((And maybe he would help Loki as well? Like, the godling had a nightmare after falling asleep on the couch, and Tony would gently woke him up with music))Loki will eventually understand that Stark, the most clever midgardian, was behind all of this, and well, he's the God of Mischief, he can appreciate a well planned trick. Time to return the favor ;)

❆ Fill: By @lightneverfades (yours truly haha!) Link: https://lightneverfades.tumblr.com/post/638390071764074496/

#frostiron holiday wishes challenge #frostiron #master post #hehehe #ahh need to compile before the end of the year!#thank you so much to everyone who submitted prompts and fills!#this was so much fun!#love this fandom

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tfw-no-tennis · 4 years

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hunty movie 1

sooo ruth and i watched the first hxh movie holla

me as soon as we’re done w/the yorknew arc: OH FUCKY ITS ANIME MOVIE TIME

i love anime movies. theyre so often Entertaining As Hell, and also Not Very Good. its a very fun intersection

overall this movie slots pretty easily into that category. it was a good time but nothing revolutionary. which is ok! and that makes sense bc its not canon apparently

this movie was basically the ‘killua and kurapika have Trauma(tm)’ movie lmao

we open w/killua having a trauma dream abt illumi, rehashing the stuff we saw in the hunter exam arc....we see this a few more times in the movie, and it really drives home how killua is still rlly scared of illumi and kinda just goes into a dissociative trauma state whenever illumi is around (even fake doll illumi or dream illumi, in this movie). poor kid :( :(

regrettably tho ruth and i agree that illumis outfit in this movie was pretty sexy

ok that whole beginning part where kurapikas eyes get stolen happens SO fast hvbfhdjshfsk its like ok guess thats the status quo for this movie!

jesus poor kurapika. they cant catch a fuckgin break huh

also that kid was totally the kid that was alluded to by kurapika at the end of the yorknew arc...so i guess that was included in the anime as a setup for this movie?

also apparently that stuff was based off of a short story thing the author did a while ago which is p cool

leorios terrible drawing skills is hvhbjsdfbsdfngsjkdf

also leorio is so tender w/kurapika hhhhhhh im gonna die. im gonna gay die

and gon and killua are just. tiny soulmate boyfriends ok

ah yes i see the obligatory movie original character who befriends the protag

it kinda cracks me up how hostile killua is to retz like vhbhskhdfbaj i get that its bc of Trauma and his fear of betrayal/betraying but it also reads as killua being a Jealous Gay which is kinda hilarious

ruth and i when hisoka shows up: [prolonged annoyed groaning and dismayed yelling]

hisoka literally just shows up to sow chaos and throw around information to stir shit up huh

of COURSE the villain is the former 4th spider thats like. easy choice lmao

it might just be the fansubs but i feel like there were strong implications that hisoka and 4th spider guy fucked bhjdfashfdjnakn

the most unbelievable thing abt this whole thing is that hisoka didnt kill that doll guy lmao

ohhh shit its uvo

OHHH SHIT NOBUNGA AND MACHI....its so bad but i really like the troupe members and when they show up im like !!!!!!!

machi is so cooooool

aughhhh its like....i feel bad for nobunga for having to face down uvo like this....and THEN when pakunoda shows up too :( and nobunga tells her doll ‘rest in peace now’ or something when he cuts her down....oof. but also like theyre evil murderers so im!?! conflicted?!?!

also the shadow beast guys that uvo killed showing up and then proceeding to do LITERALLY NOTHING was kinda hilarious

and damn so technically the troupe is on the same side as the main crew, what with all of them wanting to wreck omokages shit

also omokage looks like sephiroth lmaoooo

ill be honest i barely know what sephiroth looks like but ruth said this and i felt in my bones that its true

ok i gotta talk abt the kurapika backstory stuff bc OUUGHGHGHGHGH my fucking UWUS BITCH!!!!

seeing a bunch of kurta was sad....and seeing baby-er kurapika OUGH and also pairo is sooo cute and him and kurapikas friendship is so pure

kurapika is so different :( theyre like, so much more innocent and excitable....thats so damn sad bro wtf

pairo pulling some slick moves swapping that little potion thing - all while using his blindness as a cover - was so good...no wonder he and kurapika get along so well

also gotta say its even more brutal that one of the main reasons kurapika didnt get Big Murdered w/the rest of the kurta is bc pairo pulled this stunt - if he hadnt, kurapika wouldve failed the test and never would have left

also kurapika saying theyre gonna find someone who can help w/pairos eyes ;_; the similarities w/leorios backstory/motivation makes me die

and seriously im still caught up at how innocent and pure kp is oooof ough

tho still defs the kurapika we know....theyve seemingly always had a temper, what with the reaction to the dudes in the market

like, kurapika did NOT hold back...even after finding out that they were just part of the test! tho i do get it bc they insulted pairo...kurapika’s love for their friends/stalwart need to defend their friends is clearly a big thing

also the market people’s reaction to seeing kp’s red eyes is rlly interesting to me...are the kurta like, known to anybody? or are they more of a vaguely talked-about group that like, ‘probably exists’? or is it that people know abt them but not the red eyes thing? it seems like these people, if any, would know, bc this market is seemingly a day’s travel from where the kurta live....i want more kurta lore bro!!

i big love pairo helping kurapika cheat like that....such an interesting twist, and makes it obvious that theirs is a friendship of equals

anyways i loved that flashback stuff and it just drives home how absolutely fucked up and horribly sad kurapikas whole existence is, especially in this movie w/pairo’s doll being used against them

n e ways back to the non flashback stuff

i love that gon’s super nose returned for this movie omg

im just auhghghghgh gon and killua know each other so well uwu....

aaaand illumi (well, doll illumi) is back to fuck shit up for poor killua

ugh it still gets me how clearly terrified of illumi killua is...we dont really see him act like this any other time :( and the fact that doll-illumi was able to scare killua enough to get him to run away and leave gon behind (albeit briefly) was oof

gon jumping in front of killua and getting his eyes stolen instead....baby boyyyy oughhh

also can i just say thank fuck they didnt replace illumis eyes w/gons bc THAT wouldve been some serious nightmare fuel lmao

cant believe killua then ran away again and walked emo-ly on the train tracks

and THEN he saw a train coming and was like oh well :( guess ill die :/ JESUS KID

but gon w/his Big Sniff Powers comes to the rescue!!

it was so cute how gon told killua that killua didnt run and abandon him - they were working together to fight :’) gon understands killua so well

i love how the squad then squads up to fight omokage...with half of them being blind lmao

and in the half that isnt blind is leorio, who STILL doesnt know nen, and literally brings a knife to a nen fight

i totally saw the whole ‘retz is a doll and her older brother is omokage, and retz actually died a while ago’ thing coming lol but still, not bad

all omokage does is talk abt the beauty of his dolls or w/e like ENOUGH bro

kurapika fighting pairo and killua fighting illumi (AGAIN) was all so fucked up they shouldve switched opponents for less trauma oof

and poor leorio is literally no help vhhvdijfhjbashkj he just gets throw around this whole time

kurapikas fight against pairo was sad bc it was such a fucked up situation...kp did gr8 tho, i liked them saying that this isnt the real pairo, cause pairo would never say/do these things. still and extremely sucky situation to be in!

meanwhile its the gon and killua vs doll-illumi rematch...and this illumi is like, a version of illumi drawn from killuas mind/heart (or something idk, it was kinda glossed over which i understand), which means that hes extra scary and focused on telling killua how much hes just a mindless killing machine who cant have friends

but luckily we have gon here to help snap killua out of his trauma haze, which certaintly wasnt the case at the hunter exam - so it was kinda nice to see how things went w/gon around :’) they work so well together oughhhhh....and they love each other so much broo gay preteen love real

hisoka just fuckgin materializing in the house place to help sow more chaos....unbelievable

me: i bet hisoka wont want to fight doll chrollo bc its not The Same as real chrollo

ruth: no i think he will bc hes a whore

hisoka: [fights doll chrollo]

me: oh shit u right

kurapika: ok omogake its time for you to FUCKING DIE-

and then killua stops them and says that he’ll do it, be he doesnt want kurapika to kill anymore :( :( :( bro im sooo fucking sad. killua rlly b out here thinking that hes already too far gone to matter when it comes to murder, but he doesnt want his friends to end up like that, so he might as well take on that burden, because whats one more person’s death on his hands? (EVEN THO HE SAID HE DIDNT WANT TO KILL ANY MORE...but theres exceptions when it comes to saving your friend’s souls and whatnot) :( :( AUGHHH

but luckily retz comes THRU with some good ole fratricide

killua: [takes notes]

the fact that the phantom troupe just fuckgin shows up and is like oh hey its you guys. this casual enemy stuff kills me lmao i love it

then they just fuckgin LEAVE and theyre like welllll we cant rlly fight u bc of chrollo’s state so by i guess. its NOT On Sight but someday it will be! YOU TOO HISOKA DONT THINK WE FUCKIGN FORGOT ABOUT YOU.

dramatic house burning! and rip retz, saw that one comin tho

when they all went thru and said their life goals and then killua was like shit i dont have a cool definitive anime goal LMAOOOO

but THEN gon said his goals should be to stay by gon’s side UHMMM???? baby gays AUGHHHHH and killua is just like lovestruck AUGHHHH

Gays Win

then they all peace out to resume the next arc lmaoooo

and then we see flashes of other characters, like the blonde girl (who ruth and i totally thought retz was, seeing thumbnails from this movie....we were like w8 hasnt that girl not been introduced yet??? lmao)

we also see some dude w/long hair and a hat who ive never seen before but ruth went OHHH ITS SCYTHE GUY!!! so i guess hes gonna b important?? lol

and then we saw chrollo....still in the same place the squad left him vbhajfdjkahsbfkdjabhsukfdj CAN HE NOT GET DOWN FROM THERE W/OUT NEN OR AN AIRSHIP??? THATS SO FUCKING FUNNYYYYYY ARE YOU KIDDING ME

general thots:

so this was very much an Anime Movie, in that they cant like, advance to plot or develop the characters much, bc its a movie. and this one is non canon

it was enjoyable but i do feel like it was much more typical shounen then hxh usually is...like, i feel like this was made by the same people who make like, the naruto movies or w/e, and w/the same sort of approach/attitude

this isnt necessarily bad - i LIKE shounen for a reason - but it was a bit noticeable bc it wasnt quite as smart as hxh is usually, and it rehashed a lot of stuff weve already seen in this show itself

but still i think it did a good job w/what it had, and it had some good angst, and everyone was very gay which is good

the art style was SLIGHTLY wack but it wasnt as bad as i thought itd be

overall a fun time like most anime movies. didnt reinvent the wheel but i had a good time. im excited for the greed island arc, and im also disproportionately excited to watch the hxh musical bc that is a thing that exists and i MUST see it asap bc that sounds like the kind of hilarious wackiness that appeals to me specifically

so thats it...later!

#this is more of a recap than a liveblog lmao #anyways. good times #lj watches hxh #hxh

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pensurfing · 6 years

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Caitlin’s Three Things List

Okay, so moments (probably hours by the time I finish this) ago I wrote a goals list that I think is good for self-evaluation. (Keyword: This is what I think. results may vary depending on what you’re looking for.)

I’m going to hop to it and answer some of these that I laid out in hopes of having a better idea of what I want to accomplish.

The Three Things Lists!

1) Three things that went well this year.

* Audience growth

So once upon a time, I grew a pretty decent following due to creating an Inktober Prompt list. My expectations: Maybe two of my friends would do this, maybe. And then one stranger that has followed me for a while. (There are a few followers I recognize their username because if I post something they always like it and for some reason that keeps me going.)

But because of this prompt, I was exposed to MANY new creators and illustrators that I now enjoy chatting with and following! Instagram had the biggest maintained growth. I’m excited to create for an audience that actually expects me to create and not just for friends who see my things “whenever they aren’t busy”. (Not to bash them or anything, just there are a lot where unless I tell them, they don’t see the posts I make.)

Another surge of growth in my audience was due to tabling at conventions this year. I was terrified to show my work let alone attempt to sell it to someone. Tabling at cons not only boosted my confidence but also quieted one of my ever going demons. “YoU sUcK aT dRaWiNg CaItLiN.” “How do you have a degree? oh right, you just barely passed.” I can’t say this is the case, there is an audience that genuinely enjoys my scribbles. So I am forever thankful to Atlanta Comic Con for giving me that chance. It honestly opened a few doors for me.

**Process

I’ve gotten more comfortable with showing my process. It can be messy, crisp, and illogical. But turns out the people who enjoy my content enjoy my scrambled thoughts. It’s something about not being alone in this sort of sense that calms the nerves.

So I can say with chest poked out that sharing process has gotten MUCH better. I can thank a self-help book I bought this year that was a FANTASTIC BUY. Austin Kleon has [two] (currently? If he has more then I’m buying it like people buy a name brand.) books that helped me see that it is GREAT to share not only the process but advice. “Show Your Work” is the book I’m talking about for now. Great tips, the outline is on the back of the book. So if you’re like me, I need to clearly see what I might be getting into, you might have a ball.

And finally, (not calling myself out on this but other) If you’re going to respond to people when they ask you “how do you___?” do not answer “Google it”. That is the rudest thing I’ve seen some of even my FAVORITE illustrators do; that response can burn in hell. PERIODT. (my one typo allowed.)

*** Art Style Exploration

For those who think college will help you establish an art style that you’ll enjoy or help nourish the one you currently have.... Let me save you over 80K.... No, the fuck it won’t.

That was the biggest thought I had going into art school. If anything, it confused me more and utterly destroyed what little confidence I had in my drawing style. After graduating, I had a huge swing from how I used to draw to how my art currently looks. I stopped trying to please the one professor who stood between me and my degree and started drawing to please my tastes. And guess what? That did something. And that something WORKED. I love what I draw now; I see why I chose this as my career path. I’m genuinely happy with how my pieces turn out versus in college just wanting to turn the damn thing in and hoping it isn’t an F.

2) Three things you could have handled better.

* The loss of a good paying client.

Now hear me out when I say this: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL a good client. Say that three times and then exhale.

Back earlier this year, I had the opportunity to work with a writer who gave me hell and back. And even that is an understatement. I dealt with her because in school you were taught “if they pay on time, finish the work and get the exposure.”

I’m here to tell you my lesson learned: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL good exposure, good pay, a good client.

I was doing the work of three for the price of one and a half. (And was always told I charged too much.) She tried abusing this power with friends of mine, with other illustrators. When things turned out bad, she tried saying it was my fault. She read my contract and then tried telling me I changed the wording, I purposely did this thing, another thing was my fault. I could go on with this story.

The part that I wish I handled better?

How I treated myself afterward. I’m so used to people telling me, “Cait, this is what you do wrong. This is how you fix it.” that I don’t consider my own feelings, and when I bring my feelings into the scenario they no longer matter. Because they tell me they don’t matter. In this case, I wish I had treated me better, because my feelings, my mental health, DOES matter.

**My Patience Getting Into Conventions.

Pretty self-explanatory. I got into one, finished one, and wanted to do eight more in a week. But this sort of thing just takes time and I need to accept that.

***My losses

I had to listen to a Little Mix song to actually learn this one. The context of the song is nowhere near the topic at hand. But a verse from Power feat Stomzy really packs a punch after this year:

“ You look him in the eye and say, "I know I'm not a guy But see there's power in my losses and there's power in my wins" “

I had to look one of my demons in the face, and state something similar. My loses mean I’m trying. My loses piling shows I’m not willing to give up easily, and that is something that took a while to be content with.

3) Three things artistically you want to improve on.

*Composition

It’s not awful, but it can be better.

**Color

I told this BOLDLY if I might add while critiquing someone else’s portfolio; “Your color palette is boring. All your [things] look as if they are from the same universe, during the same time of day, with the same kind of mood. After three photos it’s bland, boring, and understood you have a preference.”

Can you say damn Cait? The statement was, in fact, true, but I certainly could not talk. My color palette is mainly bright, pop, and happy. In order to tell a story, I KNOW it is best told with color. And I failed myself this year. But I sure won’t next year.

***My Damn Tag

Okay, alright. Why is it well-established artists have their tag figured out? Even some who’s art style is so recognizable (I’m looking HEAVILY at you Gabriel Piccolo.) we know it’s theirs, seem to have a tag that suits them and works for them. But more importantly, they put it in A VERY DECENT SPOT. SOMEONE SHARE THIS SCIENCE WITH ME? CAUSE APPARENTLY I DON’T GET IT.

4) Three things you want to focus on trying.

*More backgrounds.

As much as it pains me, I need to improve on backgrounds and perspective. When I do make backgrounds, I’m told I make great pieces. That I should look into becoming a background artist. And don’t get me wrong, I like them. But I don’t like them.

I feel as though I need to improve in that region so that way I don’t feel as though it’s a weakness of mine. My backgrounds are nice, but they aren’t nice to my standards.

**More designs

I love character designs, but let’s be real. If you were to scroll down my site or my Instagram page, or even this Tumblr archive, could you tell?

I draw characters a lot sure, but none are designs. No process, no sheets, no turnarounds, none of that. So that’s a huge goal of mine for 2019.

***Scheduling posting

At one point I was pretty good at this. Live stream in Instagram and Twitter, cool. Videos on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Cool. Everywhere gets a photo, everywhere gets a silly one-liner. Yay. I’m not leaving anything out.

Well by the end of this year that totally crumbled.

SO I want to try getting better at that thing there. Because having attempted this at the end of the year was cool, but it still wasn’t enough apparently.

5) Three positive things to tell yourself.

* You are an inspiration. That’s all you wanted to be in life, you did it. I’m proud of you.

**You didn’t kill yourself like you tried to; you opened up about it for once and used that pint up anger creatively. That is very hard to do, trust. I’m proud of you.

***You moved on, matured, and let it go. Even when the goddess inside you told you these peasants didn’t deserve your light, your friendship, your greatness. I’m proud of you.

I’m just proud of me for not snapping when I had every right to; not everything deserves a reaction.

6) Three negative things you want to leave for 2018.

*Comparisons

Oh boy. I am extremely guilty for this: I’ll compare myself to a well-known illustrator my age. I’ll compare myself to friends who are in the field having a blast and getting work; I’ll compare myself to friends who aren’t in the field and they struggle at getting work. I’ll compare myself to the kid I graduated high school with who is traveling the world, is able to eat, come home to his dog and relax because he doesn’t have tuition to pay. I’ll compare myself to these goddamn baby boomers who keep repeating “We didn’t have it hard, you’re just being stupid. Millennials aka our children deserve to starve. We’ll just put our faith in our grandchildren because screw the kids we raised and refuse to pay accordingly. $7 an hour worked in my day, they need to make it work now.” I’ll compare myself to fake people I created in my head and purposely made scenarios and wonder why I’m not like them, said creations I made because I was pretty low for ten minutes...

I just compare myself too much. To any damn body. It’s draining, obnoxious and most of all pointless. My new motto for next year is: “Unless it is helping you grow yourself, your brand, your spirituality, don’t do it.”

I’m not comparing my chapter two to someone’s chapter thirty-five. I’m not even comparing my chapter two to someone else’s chapter two. I need to stop doing that PERIOD! My journey is different, unique, and worth seeing through.

**Listening to negative others.

A couple of years ago, I lost a close friend around the time my aunt passed away. During this time I was hypersensitive to any and everything done or said; I also kept many walls up to hide my mourning. He caught the crossfire of all of that. I kept secrets from him I was too prideful of admitting and lashed out because of the emotional turmoil I kept suppressed. While in the midst of packing his things and leaving my life, he mentioned that I was a failure because I was unemployed and artistically speaking I hadn’t accomplished anything; that I would remain that way because that’s just the person I deserved to be. Now mind you, I graduated college that year; he was a flunk out. I changed my art style dramatically compared to when I started school to pass; he thought just posting crappy pictures of lukewarm sketches were equivalent. I started attempting trends and all he could do was copy. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to bash my old friend. If he were to come back into my life and move on like nothing had happened I’d do the same. (With some limitations.)

It’s just while typing out this scenario, of our four-year friendship I can’t think of one nice thing/compliment/gesture he has said to me. That’s my problem.

I can be praised, admired, and look highly upon for years straight. But my problem is I let others negative thinking and comments marinate with me for a long while. Too long of a while.

Another example is my mother’s friend. (My mom has many friends that do this shit, but this one stung more.)

This friend always roots for me; treats me like a person, and encourages my artistic journey. I consider her family before my actual relatives.

We went over for some barbeque the family was having and I was ready. Black Hallmark Cookouts, laughing, good food, good music, shit talking others teams. She asked me a harmless question of when was I going to quit my day job. Seemed like nothing at first, until the added gest of what she continued with. “All I’m saying is you can’t do [your day job] forever. That will get old. If the art thing doesn’t work out next year what’s plan b?”

I’m not a calm person (usually). Normal Caitlin would have cursed her out and mentioned how just because she chose a job to settle and be miserable at for most of her life doesn’t mean I have to follow suit. But again, of all the nice encouraging things she has done, said, and showed, for a while, I couldn’t think of it.

So I pray I let go of this nasty behavior in 2018; it’s going to be hard but it is dire.

***Saying I’m Not Enough

Alright, now put the combination of the two above in a bowl and what do you get? A Caitlin who struggles in interviews and applying for jobs because I let comparisons and negative comments rule my thoughts. This stopped me from applying to jobs I would have been perfect for; internships that could have helped me; posting art online.

We (including me) have to stop thinking that in order to be an illustrator means we have to pass a certain threshold of struggle, success, and a huge number of followers. That isn’t the job description. NO JOB DESCRIPTION has ”must have at least 10K followers on Instagram or Twitter.” nOnE.

So we (including me) need to stop treating ourselves this way. Period.

7) Three things you’re looking forward to in 2019.

*Going to move conventions.

**Adding pieces to my portfolio to try again at job hunting.

***Becoming content with the fact that my current situation isn’t my permanent situation. Unless I laze around and make it so.

Alright, so this was basically me calling myself out on my noise. Lashing out my demons and putting it in writing what I want to accomplish. I hope this inspires you to write yours, even if you keep it private. I hope it guides you and maintains your vision.

I’ll see you in 2019

A new wave

Caitlin xx

#pensurfing #new years #new years resolution

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years

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What it’s like to be diagnosed with multiple sclerosis at age 25

In February of 2015, after a busy weekend, I began feeling some tingling in the bottom of my feet. I thought that I was just sore from wearing heels, but within a few days, the numbness and tingling proceeded to go up my shins and into my knees and through my thighs. Id compare the feeling to when your foot falls asleep.

Although the sensation was getting more and more intense over the course of two or three days, I wasn’t super concerned. I thought that maybe my diet had played a role. I’m a very active person and I work in health and fitness PR, so I was just thinking, “Oh, maybe I’m not getting enough magnesium or something.”

After about five days of this feeling traveling inch by inch up my legs, I went to see my primary-care physician thanks to the advice of my sister, who’s a surgical nurse. My doctor quickly ordered an electromagnetic test (EMG) and an MRI to rule out meningitis, ALS, multiple sclerosis, and lymphoma. That’s when I started to get a little nervous.

The next day I went and got those tests done. By then, the numbness and tingling had become so severe that I almost couldn’t walkI could feel the pressure of the ground beneath me, but I was forcing my leg to move. By day seven, it was almost a state of complete paralysis.

The EMG was the first test and it began with them sticking needles all over my legs and then sending electromagnetic shocks through those needles to see how my nerves reacted. I’ll never forget it. The neurologist said I had severe swelling in my spinal cord, and ordered an immediate brain and spinal cord MRI.

When I was done with the MRI they said, “Go home, get some food because you’ve been in testing all day. Your doctor will likely call you and go over the results tomorrow or they’ll bring you in. Just relax.”

But within 10 minutes of me walking out of that place, my doctor called me and said, “I don’t mean to scare you but you need to stop whatever you’re doing right now and go into the ER. I just got your preliminary images and there’s a major, major area of swelling in your spinal cord. You need to seek treatment right away.” That was exceptionally terrifying. I thought that I was going to be able to relax and see what happens, but instead it was back to the ER, where they whisked me into a wheelchair right away.

That’s when the series of diagnostic tests took place. I had two spinal taps, blood work, etc. I had four different neurologists come down to put me through strength tests, like the sharp-soft test, where they break a toothpick in half and they ask you if you can tell the sharp side from the soft side. At this point, they were trying to diagnose me through a process of elimination.

RELATED: THE SURPRISING REASON MOST PEOPLE GET CANCER

At first, they said, “Oh, you definitely have to spend the night”, then it was two nights, then three. Every day they would come back and say, “Oh, you don’t have AIDS”, and I’d think, “Great, this is wonderful. Wasn’t hoping for AIDS.”

But in all seriousness, AIDS is an autoimmune disease, which is what MS is, so its not too far off. They would say, “Oh, you don’t have lupus. We can rule out Lyme disease.” And so on, and so on

In the meantime, my doctors were trying to reduce my spinal swelling. Every day I got a little bit more feeling back, but there was still a lot I couldn’t feel.

Then after day four or five, doctors told me that I had transverse myelitis. A neurological disorder caused by inflammation of the spinal cord, transverse myelitis can be an initial indicator of multiple sclerosis, according to Kathleen Costello, vice president of healthcare access for the National MS Society.

There’s no one test that can determine whether or not you have MS. It was the combined results from the MRI, the spinal tap, blood work, electrical tests, etc. (not to mention, my symptoms) that led my neurologists to that conclusion. By the time I got my diagnosis, I had already figured it would be something severe based on my symptoms. Despite that, I don’t think any young woman is ready to hear that she has MS.

RELATED: DO YOU HAVE A VITAMIN B12 DEFICIENCY? ANSWER THESE 5 QUESTIONS TO FIND OUT

I’ve been told the paralysis I experienced is one of the worst ways that MS can initially present itself. To put it in perspective, when some people are diagnosed with MS, their first symptoms are blurred vision or a lack of coordination or they have a little bit of numbness in their pinky finger, says Costello.

At the worst point, the paralysis had gone all the way up to the top of my ribcage, right below my bra line, and I felt a tightness, like someone was squeezing my ribs together, making it hard to breathe and hard to walk. That, I later found out, is called the MS hug, which is a common first symptom. For me to go from a person who is boxing and doing Crossfit and yoga classes seven days a week to not knowing if Id be able to walk again, was quite shocking.

Of those who suffer transverse myelitis, around 30 percent of them are never able to walk again, another 30 percent can walk with limited mobility and residual symptoms such as spastic gait and urinary urgency, and the last 30 percent get back, for the most part, full mobility. Thankfully, at the end of my recovery, I was in that last 30 percent, and now I’m walking and moving and working out and doing most of the things I used to be able to do.

However, I now live with permanent nerve damagea common side-effect of MS. Any time it gets above 75 degrees or there’s humidity in the air, I have tingling all up and down the back of my legs and my spinal cord. I have this thing called LHermitte. It’s this weird, residual effect that happens when you put your chin to your chest, like if I’m looking down at my phone or if I’m tying my shoe. I get a weird electronic sensation from my nerves misfiring down my back. The way that I best can describe the sensation is that it feels like there’s a vibrator on your back.

Today, I tire much more quickly and I can’t do workouts that are as strenuous as what I used to do. Sometimes I can’t wear heels for too long because Ill begin feeling numbness and tingling. Im still navigating the waters of my mobility, but Im just thankful to not be confined to a wheelchair and have feeling in both my legs.

I had another attack recently, which was much less severe and less traumatizing. I lost feeling in my left arm, but this time I knew what it was and I got on steroid treatment right away. Now I have most of my feeling back with minimal permanent damage. Today, I manage my disease by adhering to a very strict, clean diet, going for MRIs every few months and blood tests every couple weeks, and taking medication and/or seeing my doctor when another attack comes on.

Theres a common misconception that MS is like ALS or that it’s this degenerative, terminal thing, that I’m just going to keep getting worse and worse and there’s nothing to stop it. It seems so much worse than it is. What I’m learning is that you can have an attack and then not have another attack for 30 years; that’s very common. On the other hand, you can have five attacks in two years, which could be really bad and result in a lot of permanent nerve damage. There is a chance that I could be in a wheelchair five or 10 years from now, but that chance is very slim. My youth and the fact that Ive led such a healthy lifestyle have both helped me recover from attacks quickly so far.

For me, the hardest part of all this is the unknown. There is no cure, so I’m waking up every morning wondering if Im going to have another attack, or if today is going to be the day where five lesions pop up into my brain and I wont walk again.

Eighty percent of people diagnosed with MS are Caucasian females in their childbearing years. Learning that statistic was shocking, but in a way, I was comforted by itI feel less alone.

RELATED: ARE YOUR PERIODS IRREGULAR? YOU COULD HAVE THIS SYNDROME AND NOT EVEN KNOW IT

The one thing I want everyone to know is that I can still live my life with this disease. A lot of people dont realize thateven my own friends.

I’ve had friends talk badly about me, saying things like, Well, if shes so sick, hows she drinking on Saturday at a rooftop brunch? and wondering why I look perfectly normal.

Its hard to be open with people because I can see how they might think Im using my disease as an excuse when its convenient. But the reality is I have bad days and I have good dayssometimes I feel ready to take on the world and other days I cant physically get out of bed.

I think thats been one of the more difficult parts for me, dealing with other peoples perceptions and judgments. Whether they think Im dying or being dramatic, its impossible for them to understand what I and other people with MS go through, which leads to misconceptions.

I dont blame people for being confused, but at the same time, I’m not going to lie down and not do things. I’m still a 25-year-old living in New York City. I’m going to have fun. I still want to date and try to find a good guyeven though that situation now comes with a plethora of complications.

At the end of the day, Im learning to appreciate every moment. Yes, it would be great to not have MS, but Im very aware of how lucky I am that my case isnt more severe. Thats been my greatest take away from this experience: Dont take anything for granted.

This article originally appeared on WomensHealthMag.com.

The post What it’s like to be diagnosed with multiple sclerosis at age 25 appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years

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What it’s like to be diagnosed with multiple sclerosis at age 25

RELATED: THE SURPRISING REASON MOST PEOPLE GET CANCER

In the meantime, my doctors were trying to reduce my spinal swelling. Every day I got a little bit more feeling back, but there was still a lot I couldn’t feel.

RELATED: DO YOU HAVE A VITAMIN B12 DEFICIENCY? ANSWER THESE 5 QUESTIONS TO FIND OUT

Eighty percent of people diagnosed with MS are Caucasian females in their childbearing years. Learning that statistic was shocking, but in a way, I was comforted by itI feel less alone.

RELATED: ARE YOUR PERIODS IRREGULAR? YOU COULD HAVE THIS SYNDROME AND NOT EVEN KNOW IT

The one thing I want everyone to know is that I can still live my life with this disease. A lot of people dont realize thateven my own friends.

I’ve had friends talk badly about me, saying things like, Well, if shes so sick, hows she drinking on Saturday at a rooftop brunch? and wondering why I look perfectly normal.

This article originally appeared on WomensHealthMag.com.

The post What it’s like to be diagnosed with multiple sclerosis at age 25 appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2wQPu7f via IFTTT

#IFTTT #WordPress

0 notes

apsbicepstraining · 7 years

Text

What it’s like to be diagnosed with multiple sclerosis at age 25

RELATED: THE SURPRISING REASON MOST PEOPLE GET CANCER

In the meantime, my doctors were trying to reduce my spinal swelling. Every day I got a little bit more feeling back, but there was still a lot I couldn’t feel.

RELATED: DO YOU HAVE A VITAMIN B12 DEFICIENCY? ANSWER THESE 5 QUESTIONS TO FIND OUT

Eighty percent of people diagnosed with MS are Caucasian females in their childbearing years. Learning that statistic was shocking, but in a way, I was comforted by itI feel less alone.

RELATED: ARE YOUR PERIODS IRREGULAR? YOU COULD HAVE THIS SYNDROME AND NOT EVEN KNOW IT

The one thing I want everyone to know is that I can still live my life with this disease. A lot of people dont realize thateven my own friends.

I’ve had friends talk badly about me, saying things like, Well, if shes so sick, hows she drinking on Saturday at a rooftop brunch? and wondering why I look perfectly normal.

This article originally appeared on WomensHealthMag.com.

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