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#i was literally just in that headspace so i understand if shes reluctant to go out
bangcakes · 4 months
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#going wacko insane for the same guy again yep !!!!!!!!!@@@@#we both could have seen each other this weekend but JJDJDJZKZKZ DRAMAA#not with us but the other ppl JDJDJDJJD#i was so over it so i decided not to go. so i told him i wasnt n he said he wasnt either#in my delulu world i think he didnt go bc i didnt go HDJJDJDJZJZJ#bc he was online the whole weekend. plus i asked him if he wanted to just hang out with me n our other friend this week or next and he said#yes so HDJJDJDJDNDNSNS#god im just. i think i should just ask him out already#but our friend also hasnt answered me so im like...... hope everythings okay HNDJXNXNXNX#god inagine she cant make it or doesnt answer and i have to meet him one on one... o DJJDJDKDKDJDJJ#im trying not to be upset that shes not answering tho. its really not like her... its the long weekend so maybe shes doing something idk ..#ik shes also down about not having had a job offer yet#n me n the guy have jobs so... idk !!!#i was literally just in that headspace so i understand if shes reluctant to go out#it feels Awful when ur putting out a bunch of resumes and hearing nothing....#but yeah... idk whats gonna happen#but i dont wanna leave him hanging for too long so if she doesnt message me back by wednesday im gonna text her#she might just not be checking dc.... hhh idk JDJJDJDJXJZ#hitting that like 6 month mark since graduating and ya..... relationships are starting to dwindle tbh so i wouldnt be surprised#i was surprised she even wanted to keep in touch with me LOL but yeah#its crazy to me that out of everyone .. im closest to the guy. and like ik i always say that but it#doesnt become less surreal like. ever lol. like he answers me faster than my bffs... LOL what in the world#personal#wait omg im not done JDJJDJDJD when the drama was happening with the other ppl. i just wanted to talk to Him but i didnt have the energy#n when i finally did.. oh i felt so much better. love that we're always on the same page like.... what the fuck JDJDJDJXJX#idk i just think hes so sweet n cute n kind..... also prickly but i like that HDHJDJDJX#he always just says what he means. like hes v straightforward. and i really like that. bc im also that way and also bc im bad sometimes at#social stuff JDJJSJDJZJZJ
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v-arbellanaris · 1 year
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i have a question. or not really a question and more like a request for advice.
basically: my mahariel is currently canonically involved with alistair in dao until the landsmeet where he dumps her because he's now king and was unhardened. this is all planned and on purpose because it was the least tragic outcome for my worldstate. mahariel later gets in another relationship that presumably works out well unless da4 does something to either hof or the other person. but that's not the point.
the point is, i made her romance alistair when i liked him. and now i... kinda don't. i'm not sure what happened but he's starting to annoy me. you could make up some "you just grew up" stuff probably but i was 17 when first playing and now i'm 20 so not much growing up could happen.
and now i don't know what to do. do i just never play dao again (actually plausible because i fried my brain on top of having adhd and now i cannot replay games without just skipping dialogue because it's not captivating anymore) to avoid cringing at his romance? do i change her entire romance and the worldstate (it used to be carefully planned to not kill either alistair or hawke because i didn't want that kind of unhappy ending for mahariel and because my hawke is andersmancer and anders is literally the reason i started the game so i'm NOT breaking my blorbo's heart like that) but i feel like that would undermine the 3 years of building canon? do i just accept that i have to get through alistair's romance if i ever replay dao on my babygirl?
i literally have no idea what to do and if i should even do anything. like it's pixels and not that deep. help
also no hate to alistair enjoyers i get the appeal but seems like it ended up not being my cup of tea.
sorry for the wall of text and it's probably very incoherent i have no brain and it's 1 am and i'm not even currently focused on dragon age but i needed to ask someone for an opinion apparently
AHHHHH i love it when aliwarden drama its soooo good. for obvious reasons, like kal's worldstate, i love it when he dumps you for various reasons.
i think this makes sense though! each individual is different, and the past three years have been enough to age anyone twenty years, so it's understandable if you look back at him with a different perspective. that being said, i also understand being really reluctant to undo 3 years worth of work on character and dynamic building.
from my perspective, you have several options:
ONE, you replay dao with your babygirl and see where that takes you. sometimes, that's a return to the whiteboard or to have the opportunity to explore the game can open up loads of new areas for consideration you might not have been able to think of out of game because in-game you just sometimes have to make a snap decision. i DID also do this w my kal pt which made me change canon from alistair getting exiled to king alistair married to anora which i'm really happy with because 1. kal having to live with the consequences of her actions in a very real way 2. the inherent messiness of that whole situation after is something i enjoy intensely. and you might find another romance more interesting to pursue for mahariel you might not have thought of!
TWO, incorporate this perspective growth into your character! i think one of the most tragic aspects of the aliwarden romance - if you're doing a Specific kind of pt, like yours, and like my alikal runs as well - is that in a lot of ways, for a lot of characters, the tragic inevitability of their falling apart can always be there from the start. wynne's warnings become a prophecy rather than just her brownnosing. for kal, she was always going to be on the opposite character arc that alistair was going to be on because of how their stories start and end - kal has already gotten her revenge at the start of the story, whereas alistair is heading towards the resolution of a revenge story at the end. so maybe it's worth it to try and think about the headspace your mahariel starts in, and how she develops through the story, and how the story shapes her - and how that differs or doesn't differ from alistair. how does her growth through the story impact alistair's?
in defense of alistair's... childishness? i suppose? he acts young because he is very young! he's nineteen! a lot his humour is a mask for very deep trauma and insecurities. and his decisions can be very frustrating for a HOF but i think considering that he's grieving the loss of a lot people he cared about - ofc he talks about duncan specifically but he does also talk about a lot of the other fereldan wardens, everyone who had made the wardens a family for him over the last six months for a guy who has never had a family before and deeply, intensely, wants one is really insane. and i think it really puts a lot of his actions into perspective and contextualise that. and maybe going through the game and re-experiencing Actual Alistair and not Fandom Perspectives On Alistair might help you reach a decision about where you want to go with him narratively.
i hope that was of help to you!
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makur0 · 2 years
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OK HI FEMSTARS ANON HERE!!! can i req femstars!mayoi sitting on her gfs face until she’s overstimulated? thank you and have a good day ^_____^!
“I really want to try it…”
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synopsis — it’s known that your girlfriend keeps her wants and needs to herself. but how do you react when she wants to sit… on your face? [femstars! mayoi ayase x fem! reader]
content warning — nsfw, mdni. sub? mayoi, face sitting, overstimulation, praise
author’s note — first femstars! I’m really excited about this cause it’s also my first subby character, which I’m literally drooling for… (RUSHED)
word count — 824
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YOU KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP AS SOON AS YOU SAW HER.
Even in your tired state as you picked up your girlfriend, Mayoi Ayase, from idol practice, you noticed her uncertainty when she didn’t meet your gaze, or when she hesitated when she embraced you.
The car ride home was quiet too, Mayoi scrunched over as she gazed out the window while you drifted into your headspace, your body going on autopilot as you drove the both of you home.
“Can I  —”
“Uh, hm?” You jerked yourself out of your thoughts, turning to the purple-haired female. She twisted her slender fingers together, her chin trembling. “What’s up?’
“I-” Mayoi started, secretly glad that you couldn’t see her flushed face. “I want...”
“Of course,” You answered immediately, making her scrunch her face in embarrassment and frustration. “Anything for you, sweetheart.”
“It’s not- really a material matter,” She laughed anxiously, her heartbeat quickening as you pulled into the driveway of your shared house. “It’s something from you...”
“What is it then?”
Mayoi took a deep breath, then let everything rush out. “IwantyoutoletmesitonyourfaceIknowI’mdisgustingandterribleand-”
“Whoa, whoa,” You calmed down the nearly-hyperventilating idol. “Hon, relax. And don’t degrade yourself like that.”
She internally wailed. Why out of all things she understands that?!
“M’sorry if I sould weird and creepy and all,” She mumbled. “But I really really really wanna try... uhm... face-sitting?”
Your face turned slack, a blush rising in your cheeks. Of course, Mayoi instantly freaked out and started ranting out an apology, but her voice was drowned out by your thoughts.
“Y-you really want to...?”
“Agh! O-of course we don’t have to! I’m sorry for bringing this up...” She trailed off with a whine, tugging at her braid.
Then, something completely unexpected happened. An excited yell came out of you, slapping your hands against the car wheel which activated the horn, thoroughly scaring your girlfriend. 
“Of course!” You cheered, your joyous expression aloof. “I can’t believe that you’re initiating something like this, ‘cause I was worried you weren’t ready! Oh, honey, yes!! FUCK YEAH, MY GIRLFRIEND’S NOT A VAN-”
“I- s-shh...” She tried to calm you down, trying to avoid angry neighbors at their door tomorrow morning. “Please...?”
“Oop- haha, sorry,” You let out an apologetic laugh. “But of course, sweetheart, I’m so glad you’re opening up. Just let me get settled then we’ll do it, m’kay?”
---
“A-are you sure I won’t suffocate you??”
You let out a chuckle, your breath tickling Mayoi’s exposed thighs. The both of you were stripped down to your garments, the other’s underwear sitting next to you on the bed. For somebody who suggested this, she sure was reluctant to actually set herself on you.
Trailing kisses on her inner thighs, you smiled to yourself as she let out a shaky exhale. “C’mon, hon. You suggested this, so it’s up to you now. You can back out anytime, though.”
Mayoi really couldn’t take you seriously as she was staring at you, your lusty gaze on her exposed sex making her feeling slightly embarrassed... and aroused.
It took a few minutes, which felt like hours to you, but she finally drifted close enough to your mouth for you to stick your tongue out and prod at her clit. A muffled moan left her, and immediately your lower gaze was blacked out as Mayoi sat and even grinded herself against your mouth, her voice rising.
Immediately matching with her pace, you wrapped your arms around her legs and dug right in, your nose tickling your clit as you shoved your tongue into her hole. Much to your surprise unhinged moans left your girlfriend instead of squeaky, muffled ones you imagined (shh she don’t have to know about your sessions), but however they came out it was pure golden music to your ears.
Mayoi was now downright humping your face, her eyes glued shut as she viciously chased her orgasm. She didn’t have the need to be so enclosed around you, so she let her ‘dark, disgusting’ self take the wheel. And to be completely honest, it felt so good...
A hummed moan left her, and you felt her tighten around her tongue and her legs jerk around your grip. You slowed your pace in consideration for the female, but she had other plans. She kept her wild pace, if not faster, and grinded against your face through her orgasm into overstimulation, her moans high-pitched and needy.
And holy fuck was this hot to you. If you knew about your girlfriend’s freaky side before, you really wouldn’t have felt guilty or weird trying out unusual things whenever you were home alone. The rising question on your mind was how on earth she hid it so easily.
“Mhph~! Uhuu...” The female panted, her back arching as she stubbornly powered through the overstimulation and sliding back into pleasure. “Yes yes yes~”
Her boldness was really making you feel insecure. But you couldn’t deny how hot it was. 
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jq37 · 3 years
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The Report Card – Fantasy High: The Seven Ep 2
The Girls Are Fighting!!!
We return to Aguefort Adventuring Academy where the man himself has just told the Seven Maidens that their party is being split up which they are NOT having even though it doesn’t seem to be a malicious plot so much as the fact that Danielle, Ostentatia, and Zelda are Juniors while the other four are graduating Seniors. Antiope casts Hunter’s Mark on Aguefort, Penny pleads, Katja threatens (well, “threatens”; she walks up menacingly and then says that he can’t do this because it’s the only group of friends she’s ever had and it’s heartbreaking like all of her non-hilarious dialogue is).
Aguefort understands that it sucks and has no respect for rules but says it’s out of his hands. Sam clocks that he’s hiding something (along with the fact that he seems to know about something going on with Antiope and Penny which we know is their respective internship/apprenticeship offers) and calls him out, hitting him with a Lightning Lure to drag his ass back when he tries to turn into a bat and escape out the window. She’s unhinged and I love it. 
So does Aguefort who decides to let them in on some school secrets, leaving a decoy while he leads them all to the super secret part of the forbidden library which is bondage themed because sure. Also, Ostentatia is topless for this also because sure. He does a lot of pomp and circumstance to summon a book which Yelle flatly says better not just be the syllabus and it isn’t but she’s close. It’s the bylaws of the school district which he has summoned for the guidelines on the special, magical thing the girls can get so they can graduate together…
Their GEDS!!!!! Trés mystical. 
Basically what they need to do is complete a level A, B, or C quest together (which Antiope knows are like the top 3 highest difficulty quests--they go from A-F) and get signoff from the superintendent. But the superintendent has been missing for 12 years and there can’t be a new one until she’s dead (which she isn’t or else they’d be able to appoint a new one). Her name is Tectonya Karkovnya (who I will be calling TK) and Aguefort calls her, “chaotic and impossible to predict,” which coming from him is como se dice, troubling. 
Sam pulls out her mirror to do a little snooping on TK’s past and sees that she’s a coppery, earth genasi woman. She also sees her talking to Aguefort and saying that the magic of consciousness is far superior to his beloved chronomancy. Then the scene shifts to show her getting more and more worried as she got deeper into her studies and then going to a dwarven holy site in the Mountains of Chaos with some kind of shadow figure following her. 
Penny gets photos of the super cursed bylaws and Arthur leaves since he very much is the principal of the school and has to do his job (ostensibly). With Aguefort gone, the girls discuss the proposition after conscripting a very reluctant Antiope to be their leader (Aabria hilariously improvises that a shaft of sunlight somehow comes down to illuminate her and she has to step out of the spotlight). 
They discuss whether they want to do this GED quest or not and Zelda says she wants to but she wants to give anyone who has other stuff going on an out so they don’t feel beholden. Ostentatia immediately shoots back that Zelda is just saying that because she has plans with Gorgug. That brings down the mood and Sam, despite being a water genasi, fans the flames by saying that Gorgug has lots going on that doesn’t involve her so she shouldn’t be running back to him all the time. 
Yelle tries to calm things down and says they should sleep on it but Sam and Ostentatia are taking this super personally and are offended that they’re even having this conversation. Penny accidentally lets slip that she has some kind of apprenticeship (she’s trying to keep it on the DL because it’s supposed to be a secret) and oh man it becomes a Whole Thing. They fight in the way that you do when everyone in the fight actually wants the same thing and cares deeply about each other but are in completely different headspaces which are making them lash out.
Penny, not wanting to be around the conflict, goes invisible. Zelda is suppressing going into a rage and says that maybe she should go be with Gorgug. At least he won’t yell at her. Yelle once again tries to cool things down and suggests they have a text thread where they can say if they’re in or out by the end of the night instead of hashing it out in the open. She’s accused of not being in and, in response, texts that she’s in. Ostentatia and Sam also immediately text that they’re in, which basically makes her “solution” entirely moot. 
Zelda is finally fully fed up and leaves (Penny following invisibly). Katja also follows. 
Antiope can tell that Sam is upset about something that’s not this but Sam brushes her off rudely and storms off (quite literally, causing storm clouds outside in her wake). Yelle goes after her. Ostentatia is left with Antiope.
Time for a string of very emotional mini scenes which I highly encourage you to watch because they are peak improv.  
Zelda, Katja, (Invisible) Penny
Katja runs to find Zelda who is under a tree crying and asks if she’s OK. Zelda says that Sam and Ostentatia are so beautiful and confident and eloquent and she gets so tongue tied and useless when they disagree with her because she’s so timid. Zelda wants this so bad but she doesn’t want to feel like she’s forcing her friends to stay with her. 
Katja, as we know, has major abandonment issues because of her constantly away dad (and prob her mom too) and she doesn’t want to be left behind again but she also doesn’t want her friends to factor her in so she tries to be stoic and says that the people you love have to want to stay. But with a 3, Zelda immediately clocks the emotion behind the words. Instead of calling her out, Zelda offers to listen to music with her. 
Penny takes this opportunity to make herself known (which has got to be terrifying--unless you’re used to it and then it’s like same shit as usual from Ms. Luckstone) and Zelda goat jumps to grab her out of the tree she was crying in above them and tells her that she doesn’t have to go invisible every time there’s conflict. They all agree that they hate confrontation and Rehka gets the funniest lowkey line of the episodes: that she wouldn’t know what to do if they didn’t agree on that. We then cut to…
Ostentatia and Antiope
Where Izzy gets the high key funniest moment of the episode by transitioning in with a big, “You know I LOVE confrontation,” which breaks everyone at the table. But she says it as a preface to admitting that she may have been a bit of a bitch to Zelda. She plays coy for like a half second before she breaks down sobbing with Antiope catching her before she sinks fully to the floor. Antiope comforts her and admits that while she wants to stay with the party, she hates having options taken away from her as they have been her whole life effectively. She was honestly kind of relieved when she was trapped in the crystal because it meant all that pressure was gone for a bit. They affirm that they love each other then Ostentatia goes to apologize to Zelda. 
Danielle and Sam
Yelle goes to talk to Sam (who she adorably calls “merbae”) and while Sam doesn’t wanna talk about it, Yelle says they don’t have to. She just wants to be there for her in whatever capacity she needs. She knows Sam loves her friends and would never hurt them on purpose so something must be wrong with her-- “History of abandonment?” Sam finishes, almost glibly. She’s tired of losing people. She doesn’t want to lose more. She doesn’t want things to change. Nature is change, Yelle says. Nature sucks, Sam says. Yelle is gonna pretend like she didn't hear that. 
Sam feels bad that she snapped at Zelda and Yelle says that they’re all a family. Things will be alright. The storm clouds that Sam reflexively summoned peter out into a cool, refreshing mist. 
Ostentatia and Zelda
Ostentatia goes to where Zelda and the girls are and full ass runs at her like they weren’t just fighting. After assuring her that she’s not there to fight she apologizes, saying she was a cow. Zelda says she honestly agrees with Ostentatia that she wants the group to stay together and wishes she could be bolder in non-rage settings. Ostentatia says that maybe if the Seniors leave they can still have a party and Penny vetos that even though, as Ostentatia says, it’s a pretty reasonable compromise. Anyway, they basically all go in a circle saying they love each other and it’s very sweet. 
I’m serious, I can’t do these heart to hearts justice in this format, just go watch them for that emotional girl group goodness.
Anyway, outside of the main group, Antiope goes to talk to her sister Corsica who is currently teaching a class. Antiope does not give AF. She orders the students out and they scatter. Wouldn’t you?
Antiope wants advice. Should she stay with her party after flaming out of her last one? Should she take the internship and stay on the path her parents want her on? Corsica really feels for her. Antiope has had to struggle in a way that she and their brothers never did. She finally answers that she and her brothers are awesome and successful fighters but none of them have been able to do the scariest thing possible: disappoint their parents. They’re soldiers. They like it that way. They fall in line. But maybe Antiope isn’t a soldier. Maybe she’s a leader. She ordered those kids out of the room without thinking after all and they obeyed. It’s an extremely good speech and Antiope basically has chills, as do I.  
I assume while this is happening or perhaps right before everyone goes home, Penny goes to see Jawbone (who has some spiffy new art--as did Gilear who cameoed early in the episode when Aguefort atomic wedgied him invisibly because sure) and talk about this uber difficult decision she had to make. Jawbone gets to the heart of the matter pretty quick. Penny is a high achiever who’s lived a life without choice. But now that she’s about to be off the rails for the time she’s freaking out. Penny sees the truth in the statement (after hilariously trying to solve his metaphor about an amusement park) and thanks him for the perspective. She then, in a very Fig move, tries to kiss him and Jawbone basically stiff arms her and breezes right past like it didn’t happen, showing her out. What a trooper that Jawbone.   
Moving on to Katja. When she gets home she tries to call her dad who is unreachable on his hell mission. She leaves him a message saying that he should call her back when he can and she knows what she wants for her graduation present now. She wants her party to not break up. This breaks Brennan and me. 
She then snoops arounds for info on TK. She sees letters of her dad trying to get her into Hudol. And she sees some stuff from the Ministry of Adventure, asking if he knew where TK was. But she doesn’t get anything else. At least, she doesn’t get anything else that’s helpful. She does however find a picture of her mom which makes her bolt to go talk to Cinnamon who prances for her to make her feel better. She joins in dancing, badly.
EDIT: I initially wrote that Katja’s mom was dead because that’s what I thought she said but @ennn said that in the Adventuring Party, Rekha said that her mom didn’t die, she left. Which is less dramatic in some ways but SO MUCH WORSE for abandonment issues so, yikes girl!
Yelle meanwhile goes home to talk to her unofficial third mom, Holly, who is the awakened tree under which her house is. Picture a Grandmother Willow situation from Pocahantas basically. Yelle talks about the conflict a bit and, as usual, ends up on a tangent about how the world is unfair and she has to speak for the voiceless. Holly is concerned for her (as are her other moms which I may have neglected to mention in the last recap). She asks Yelle if she can tell her something that might be painful. Yelle agrees. Holly says that Yelle is great and wonderful and kind but she spends so much time speaking for other people that she never speaks for herself. Her moms worry that there will come a day when she needs help and will have to ask for it without couching it in terms of the greater good and she won’t be able to. 
Yelle really hopes she’s high when the time comes. 
At her home, Ostentatia casts Commune With The City to see if TK has been around and she’s not there now but she can tell she has been (though there’s no indication on if that’s recently or not). On a 17 religion check she knows that there is a dwarven holy site in the mountains that matches Sam’s description from the mirror. She’s still avoiding her dad but when she prays for her spells, she asks for her dad to feel like himself again too. 
Hey, what time is it? Let me check my watch. 
Ah yes, it’s time for Sam to make some rash decisions. 
She feels like she should text Zelda but doesn’t. Instead, she goes into Penelope’s room. And she takes out her mirror. And even though she’s expended the charge for today, she tries to make it show her Penelope. 
OK, says Brennan. Sure. Hey, can you roll me a quick little Wisdom Save?
5. 
Haha, Sam’s in danger. 
The mirror heats up as it’s pushed beyond its limits and Sam sees an image of a young Penelope with braces grabbing her hands and grinning and saying that they’ll be best friends. Then, the image shifts and she sees the Penelope of the present in her tattered prom queen dress and glass shard crown. Her eyeless, haunting, demon prom queen form, teeth razor sharp as her words. 
“A call without a text,” she says. “Are you out of your mind?”
“You look better than you ever did alive,” Sam spits back. 
It is a battle of the bitches right out of the gate. The girls are fighting part two if you will. They snipe at each other for a bit and Brennan has Sam roll insight into herself. On a 19, Sephie says that’s not enough for Sam to get a read on herself (yikes girl) so she doesn’t understand that this fight can only ruin her because while Penelope enjoys causing people pain, Sam doesn’t. 
They both get in some very choice barbs but when Penelope tries to entice her into making a devilish pact and disparages her new party, Sam does the mic drop of the century by telling her that her parents are divorcing and hanging up. The entire table LOSES THEIR MIND. It is like a real life representation of one of those Draw The Squad memes. Everyone brandishes their fans in a salute to that truly epic conversation ender. 
As the night draws to a close, Brennan asks the girls who haven’t responded to the text chain yet if they respond. Katja texts that she’s in. Zelda texts Antiope and Penny that she’s not going to text whether she’s in or out until they respond because she doesn’t want it to feel like a 5 on 2 dogpile.
Antiope and Penny call then text, then call, then text, then call each other to discuss what they should do and also hype each other up because with all the drama, they didn’t really get to celebrate their opportunities. Penny tries to downplay her thing and insinuates that it wouldn’t be a big loss if she wasn’t in the group anymore and Antiope shuts that down immediately. You’re the last thing so many people see before they die Penny! That’s so cool! 
They both decide to text that they’re abstaining from voting for now and go to bed.
The next day, Antiope gets up and sees that her party’s schedule has been cleared for the next two weeks by the school for quest reasons. She tells her dad she wants to talk to Charity Blythe (the woman at the Ministry of Adventure she needs to talk do) and he sets up a no pressure (but actually tons of pressure) meeting with her before turning her 5 mile run into a 12 mile run because she is a Jones and 5 mile runs are for Amateurs. 
Ant texts the rest of the Maidens that this meeting is happening so they can maybe get some quest info from Charity and Ostentatia has in the meantime texted (after the 2 abstains) that she will be going for the GED regardless and anyone who wants to join can. Of course, there was never any reason to NOT go for it (besides the danger which they obv don’t care about) and getting it doesn’t mean any doors are closed to them. It’s just that emotions are running so high they can’t fully seem to see that (or at least some members can’t). 
Ant doesn’t have the clearance to meet at Charity’s office so they meet at the Museum of Adventuring instead. In it happens to be the skeleton of Kalvaxus who they killed (if you don’t remember, the Bad Kids killed him first and then he was resurrected so the Maidens could also kill him for catharsis reasons). Tensions are still super high as evidenced by Sam’s snide abstention comment to Penny and Ant and then by her TRYING TO LIGHTNING BOLT THE DRAGON SKELETON TO DESTROY IT.
GIRL.
That doesn't happen though because she’s Counterspelled by Charity Blythe who walks in, surprised to see that Antiope brought her whole party. Antiope says they were just leaving but Charity can sense shenanigans when she sees them and says if they’re gonna spy on the conversation they might as well stay for it which they of course do.
She gives Antiope a rundown of the internship: 1 year commitment with a possibility to expand to 2-3 years. Stipend. She’d have to live in Bastion City.
Katja remembers that her dad was talking to the Ministry of Adventure in the letters she found and asks Charity about it. Charity says they were asking him about TK’s whereabouts because he was friends with her. On that, Yelle casts Detect Thoughts with a Stealth roll of 17 (we see on a secret Box of Doom roll that Charity got a 26 to see her cast it). Anyway, she sees that TK took some object with her when she disappeared (which she later sees is a crystal screen with a map seemingly marking quest locations from A-F) and of course the fact that Charity knows this. Yelle shares this info with everyone as Antiope walks off with Charity to talk further. Katja suggests to the group that maybe Ant should take the internship to get more info for their quest. While she’s talking to Charity, Ant feels the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.
See looks up and sees a figure with blood red lips look at her and disappear.
Yikes! Combat time baybee!
Superlatives 
Danielle: Most Likely to Talk Her Way Out of a Hostage Situation 
While, like her mothers, I am slightly concerned that Danielle is the type to set fire to herself to make sure others are warm, I also very much love her chill, warm, encouraging vibes. For those of you coming off of MisMag, she is like vibing at the same wavelength as Whitney Jammer but with the intensity turned all the way down. Danielle encouraging Sam honestly gave me like second hand calm. Excellent vibes. 
Random Thoughts
If you’re wondering how long it took for it to come up that Aguefort banged a phoenix, the answer is 12 minutes.
The concept of phoenix chlamydia is the definition of thanks, I hate it. 
Aguefort saying that TK is a crazy person could literally mean anything tbh. It could mean she is the most batshit person on the planet or it could mean she’s totally normal and just kinda bugs him. Literally no way to tell. 
Someone (I think Rekha?) mentioned that the cursed bylaws book is copper and so is TK. Idk if that’s relevant but thought I’d flag it anyway. 
We learn in this episode that the friendship bracelets Penny made them last week let them track each other and see each other even if one of the in knocked out (which is what gives it utility outside of what their crystals can already do).
We learn in this episode that Skullcleaver Elementary School is actually named after Katja’s family. 
Nothing like the fear you feel when a DM gives you what you wanted even on a failure. And on that note...
Sam, I wish you a very happy Please Go To Therapy. Please girl. 
This episode was such an emotional roller coaster. I deeply empathize with the horrible feeling that your friends have stuff going on and you don’t and you’re going to be left behind. It’s so rough to see everyone hurting and lashing out (or in the case of Yelle for instance, trying and failing to diffuse the situation). But it’s so nice to see everyone trying to be there for each other and apologizing and affirming that they love each other (from Antiope saying that she would kill and die for any of them to Danielle defusing the ticking timebomb that is Sam). The players really get the cadence of how teenage girl friendship works and it’s such a treat to watch. 
“Did we ruin your life?”
Do you think ep 7 of The Seven is gonna be when everything pops off? As a DM I wouldn’t be able to resist that.
Penny’s response to being told that she can’t take every path is, “You can with chronomancy” which isn’t a bad point. 
Rekha is the Zac of The Seven which is to say low key the funniest person on the planet. Her saying she was so scared that she wasn’t gonna be told “I love you” during that scene was so funny. Her comic timing is impeccable. 
Katja fainting at the end of the “I love you” session after Penny says she loves her and Cinnamon. 
I love the table ambient whisper of, “LCAB” under Antiope’s scene with Corsica. 
I really felt for Zelda in this episode. Like, I felt for everyone but especially her, being the quiet one with all this yelling happening. When she was talking about how much she hates to have to fight with Sam/O my heart really broke for her. I’m so glad she got all her hugs in after that. 
In this episode Katja, Ostentatia, and Sam roll nat 1s. No nat 20s.
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lit-in-thy-heart · 4 years
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you know what, what's the point of being on this platform if you don't get to bellow into the void about your interests in the hope of finding someone with the same interest?
in light of this, let me inflict a lowdown of the victorian literature (mostly novels because poetry is difficult to collate) that i've read for my module this year upon my mutuals
i'll do a separate one for vampire novels and reblog with the link
because what are the victorians without vampires? straight
bleak house (dickens): what a ride that was! yes, it was nearly a thousand pages and, yes, some chapters i was like can we move on please, but that's dickens for you. honestly, i loved it. if you're looking for thinly-veiled lesbianism, this is the book for you (esda all the way, if they even have a ship name). unfortunately i already knew one of the plot twists due to watching dickensian five years before, but there are plenty more to go around! if you can get through the first chapter describing nothing but fog and the law courts, you're in for one hell of a treat -- just don't google anything about it until you've finished because you will get spoiled (or don't share a house with me, where i'll tell you the entire plot as i'm reading it). definitely recommend, but marking it down for the heteronormativity with allan. (9.5/10)
villette (c. brontë): where to fucking start. i, quite frankly, do not care for charlotte brontë, and when reading the earlier novel agnes grey by anne, i could see some more things that charlotte has filched for this travesty. no victorian novel is going to be without problems, but this one was xenophobic, ableist and, of course, racist. the protagonist doesn't really give anything away, which is meant to make her more mysterious, but it just renders her an empty vessel. oh, and she tells you stuff that she's figured out waaaaaay after she says she's figured it out, a bit like she's allowing you to feel smart for making a connection before going 'oh yeah i knew that like twelve chapters ago, keep up'. some of the passages are really striking and there's maybe one character who's likeable but that's about it. i'd say it's more a story of omission than repression tbh. (4/10)
janet's repentance (eliot): wait, have i even finished this? no, no, i have not. it's fine, i wasn't going to tell you the ending anyway. i did get hooked eventually, there were just a LOT of names thrown around in the first few chapters, and a word that i didn't know was used frequently (turns out it was a name for the followers of this guy). i did get strong hester prynne/arthur dimmesdale vibes from some of the main characters, but janet is a very sympathetic character which, after reading villette, was nice. slightly depressing in some places, but a good enough read if you're not cramming it in the day before your tutorial, because it is mildly dense. (7/10)
the wonderful adventures of mrs seacole in many lands (seacole): not what i'd been expecting to read on my module, what with it being a biography, but enjoyable nonetheless. horrible histories lied to me, though, she was in her 40s/50s when she treated people in the crimean war, not in her 20s, but that's minor. it was actually quite funny??? like she was very reluctant to give away to give away her age and almost slipped up a couple of times, and also made some very biting remarks about people who were passing comment on her skin colour. for a biography, it wasn't hugely biographical, in that she was married for what seemed all of five minutes before her husband died, when in fact they were married for several years, but if you want an in-depth depiction of war, this is for you. not what i'd usually read, but some of the descriptions are so vivid that it does read like a novel in places, though sometimes the descriptions were so detailed that i did tune out at odd intervals. (9/10)
the happy prince and other stories (wilde): if you're feeling low, don't read these. don't. especially not 'the nightingale and the rose', because that was honestly heartbreaking. really well-written, some passages were just beautiful, i just wasn't in the right headspace to fully appreciate it. it also has a lot of death, i should probably explicitly say that. (8/10)
agnes grey (a. brontë): chef's kiss, honestly. if i'd read this last year then i think it definitely would have hit a lot harder, what with agnes moving away from home for the first time and struggling with loneliness around people who she is different from. beautifully written, i'm irritated at myself for not reading it sooner, even though i've owned a copy for about four years or so. agnes does come across as a bit wet sometimes, but those moments are rare and far between, she's overall a resilient character who is trying to make her own way in the world. seeing as i managed to get through the whole thing and didn't lose focus on what i was reading, i rate it higher than jane eyre (which is a rip-off of this anyway). we stan anne. though i am marking it down for the underdeveloped romantic relationship that just pops up (9.5/10)
now for some old classics that weren't taught on my module, but i can't not mention them
a tale of two cities (dickens): this was my first dickens book and oh my word what a book. yeah, okay, lucie is a bit of a wet dishcloth and has basically no personality, but there is definitely something there between her and her maid. sydney is my baby and oh so gorgeously dramatic ("you have kindled me, heap of ashes that i am, into fire"), which was perfect for the pangs of unrequited love. the plot is slightly confusing, and you don't really understand everything until right near the end, but i loved finding parallels in the chapters set in france with the chapters set in britain. oh and the showdown between miss pross and madame defarge is wonderful. i had a tradition of reading it on the run-up to christmas, just because that was the period when i read it for the first time, but i haven't done that for the past two years just because of exams and stuff. now, bleak house just pips it at the post, but i still love it dearly. (9/10)
wuthering heights (e. brontë): i couldn't review victorian literature and not include this. there are very strong similarities between this and villette (seems charlotte really drew on her sisters' work), particularly in terms of me not liking a single one of the characters except hareton. everyone is called cathy. literally. and heathcliff/cathy one is a toxic ship that should not be boarded. it is obsession, not love. the second volume is basically a repeat of the first one, thus showing that humanity will never move past its vices and will be caught in a vicious cycle of self-destruction for the rest of time. again, though, beautifully and vividly written. the characters are the type that you love to hate. (8/10)
the tenant of wildfell hall (a. brontë): what. a. book. this was a book that was simultaneously loved and condemned as scandalous when it came out. there's mystery, there's a woman escaping a horrible situation and making her own living, and there's a well-developed relationship! and the characters are likeable (i love rose, she's great, completely goes off at her brother when she has to do things for him all the time), which always puts it onto a winner. there's one chapter with gilbert that i have to skip just because i hate what he does in it. there are quite a lot of religious references, with redemption playing a huge part in the novel, but even the religious views brontë expresses went against a lot of the teachings of the anglican church at the time. do i even need to say that it's beautifully written if it's anne? marking it down for gilbert's behaviour and arguable control of helen's narrative. (9.5/10)
far from the madding crowd (hardy): i love this book. a little more uplifting than tess but still with the drama and murder you'd expect from hardy. maybe my review is influenced by my tiny crush on bathsheba: she's not the best role model but damn what a woman. gabriel isn't quite bae but i love him all the same, i'm so glad he's happy in the end. (9/10)
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gustafsnightangel · 4 years
Text
Shattered Lives Ch 33 Pt 2
He kissed her and led her into the kitchen again where his mother stood chatting with Eija. He grabbed her a cool bottle of water, gently caged her into the corner of the counter so she had the headspace she needed and made sure she’d had half before taking her to meet his mother.
“Just breathe.” He murmured.
My was not what she was expecting. She was wicked sharp and had a commanding presence much like Gustaf, that same power radiating off her, but the underlying love that surrounded her had Sildie’s heart lodge in her throat. She had the sudden need for the love of her own mother, that sharp pang of grief stabbed her in the stomach, it had been years since she felt that for her mother. Slamming the emotion down hard she accepted the hug from My and the scrutiny she no doubt would face in a moment. Mother’s and their sons, that was a bond you didn’t fuck with.
Eija was a different matter. She was cordial but she bristled as she introduced her boyfriend. With the past history of Ana hanging over this family Sildie wasn’t surprised. She noticed the glare Gustaf gave her and Sildie squeezed his hand to say it’s ok, she understood why Eija suddenly excused herself.
“I apologize for my daughter.” My said gently as she made some tea and handed it to Sildie.
“No need. Gustaf’s explained, I completely understand. I think I’d react much the same way if the shoe was on the other foot.” She wouldn’t not crumble, she would not blubber in front of his mother.
“I also need to apologize for Sam and myself, we did not realize.” Sildie waved off her apology, determined not to start crying again.
“It’s fine, it was just a shock, I didn’t realize until Sam turned around. I’m hopeless with names but I never forget a face.” She smiled. “I hope I didn’t freak him out too much.”
“He was more worried for you.” My’s concern threatened to overwhelm her. “And and upset after the shreds his brother ripped off him.” She quipped, glaring at Gustaf.
“I’ll talk to him.” Gustaf said steadily.
“Yes you will.”
Sildie couldn’t contain the smile at My’s no tolerance for bullshit tone.
“I get why you got stuck into him, but you need to apologize.” She said with absolutely no room for misinterpretation.
“I will. I feel like crap for it.” He admitted.
“And I believe I’ve already met this adorable little lady?” She said changing the subject, satisfied her boys would work it out. Lily reached out a hand for My but stayed glued to Gustaf.
“This is Lily.” Sildie said gently.
“Hello Lily.” My chuckled as Lily took a hold of My’s finger and smiled shyly at her still snuggled to her dad dad. “She looks just like her mother.” My said wistfully. “Like you Sildie I never forget a face.” Her voice shook.
And I bet they haunt you, Sildie thought, especially the ones you lost, the ones you couldn’t save. The tear slipped free without permission and she swiped it away quickly. She had to get herself together.
Without a word My pulled her in for a hug. “My sweet girl.” She murmured. “My sweet brave girl. It’s been a long hard road for you hasn’t it.” It wasn’t a question, it was as if My was reading her every emotion. “You can rest easy now though. My boy will take good care of you, all my boys actually.” My smiled and Sildie chuckled remembering what Bill had done for her and the kids already. “Eija will too eventually, she just needs a little time. From what Gustaf’s told me you two are a lot alike.”
“I’ll make it right with her.” Sildie quietly promised.
“It’s not you that has to make it right, or Gustaf.” My said gently.
“No, but I can try. I didn’t let Ana get between us.” She said pointing to Gustaf and herself. “I’m sure as shit not going to let her get between Gustaf and Eija anymore than she already has. They’ve both suffered enough.” Sildie said honestly. She felt Gustaf hand at her hip, the tender kiss to her temple. “If I can fix it, I will.”
“You keep this one.” My said bluntly to Gustaf. “You hold onto her nice and tight.” Sildie could hear the emotion in My’s voice.
“I have no intention of letting her go, ever.” He murmured, the soft kiss to Sildie’s forehead warming her.
“Same goes.” Sildie smiled. “I only stay for the free bacon.” My’s laugh made Sildie grin.
“So much like Eija.” My smiled.
“Oh the horror.” He gasped and My couldn’t help but chuckle. “Is Alex coming back this year?” Gustaf asked, looking around for him. He wanted to get the last of the introductions done so he could relax and hopefully get Sildie to.
“He’ll be back tonight for dinner. His flight was delayed.” My said watching Lily. She clapped her hands and held them out to test the waters and see if the child would come to her, it surprised Sildie that Lily lunged for her. “That’s right you come to grandma.” She murmured and kissed Lily’s head as she wrapped her arm across My’s chest, she’d found a new snuggle buddy.
Grandma, Sildie thought, the kids had grand parents. Grand parents that cared for them not just the trust funds they’d inherited. Gustaf had given them an extended family and it choked her up, her emotions were still too close to the surface to contain them. “God I’m so sorry.” She laughed as tears fell again. “It’s an emotional day.”
“It’s allowed to be.” My said gently. “And understandable. There’s no judgement here Sildie, just a loving family ready to help in any way we can.”
She nodded and swiped the tears away.
“Now, why don’t you two go get some food and relax a little.” My said cuddling Lily and kissing her hair.
Gustaf tugged her hand and Sildie was a little reluctant to leave Lily.
“Go on, Lily will be fine with me.” My chuckled.
“Her stroller’s by the door.” Gustaf kissed her on the cheek and the matriarch smiled. “Thank you.” He added just so she could hear.
“You’re sure My?” Sildie asked pulling her hand away from Gustaf to wring them in front of her.
“More than sure.” She pulled Sildie in for a one armed hug. “We’re all so happy you’re here.” She said softly. “Thank you for bringing my son back to me.” She murmured. “We never thought we’d get him back after what Ana did.” My kissed her cheek. “Thank you.” Sildie choked up. She hadn’t expected that from his mother, from any of them.
“Mum mum mum. Sooch.” Lily squealed and My laughed at the child in her arms. Sildie kissed Lily’s neck until she giggled.
“She loves her smooches.” Gustaf chuckle.
“Go eat you two. I’ll find you if Lily needs something.” My said gently. “Welcome to the family Sildie.” My said softly and walked away with Lily happily chattering in her arms.
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close the scent of her what he needed to calm himself. “You ok?” He asked, kissing her head and burying his fingers in her hair at the nape of her neck, the gentle strokes soothing them both.
“I will be. I just wasn’t expecting...” She looked at him. “I wasn’t expecting, family. That makes no sense.” She huffed at herself, her emotions were screwing with her ability to form coherent thoughts.
“It makes perfect sense to me love. The six of us are a family, but this, this is a family that’s far bigger than you expected.”
“Yes, exactly. I’m glad someone’s brain is functioning.” She scoffed.
“Come on, let’s eat. I know you’re not hungry but you need food.” He said gently. He’d see she was taken care of.
It was a rollercoaster and all she could do was hang on for dear life as her emotions went from one extreme to the other.
She found Sam and decided she needed to apologize for her outburst earlier, it wasn’t his fault. “I’ll be right back.” She said to Gustaf and he held onto her a little longer when he saw where her eyes had landed.
“I’ll come with you.” He said gently.
“No, please, let me talk to him.” She rested a hand on his chest. “I need to do this for my own closure. Your brother was a stabilizing force for me back then, he helped me through a lot, not just the medical side of it. He cared and I need to fix this. There’s a lot I haven’t told you and probably won’t, but when I had no one at the hospital except three terrified children, he was someone I could talk to and he helped me get back on my feet. I owe him.”
“I’ll be right here ok?” He kissed her, didn’t care if his entire family was watching, he kissed her with all the love he had.
“Ok.” She breathed out, her brain delightfully fuzzy.
“Eat something.” He said gently.
“I will.” She kissed him and walked over to where Sam was sitting.
“I owe you an apology.” She said quietly as she took a seat next to him.
“You owe me nothing Sildie.” He had the same gentle tone as Gustaf.
“Well I beg to differ on that.” She chuckled. “Hear me out?” She asked nervously, he nodded and gave her the silence she needed to collet her thoughts. “Seeing you slammed everything in my face, rammed it so far down my throat I couldn’t breathe, literally. Panic attacks are a thing for me now apparently.” She said wryly. “I’m sorry I freaked out, sorry that my system freaked out. I wasn’t prepared to ever see you, or your mother, again after Dana and Quinn passed. Once I’d walked out of that hospital I had no intention of walking back in or making contact with anyone there, the memories as you can imagine are too painful.” She took a breath to steady herself, the anxiety bubbling up again. “You made a difference in our lives, a steady light in a very dark and unforgiving time. Without that I don’t know if I’d have made it through.” Her voice quiet and unsteady, Sam looked at her.
“You’d have made it.” Sam said honestly. “You’re a strong woman Sildie, you’d have made it.”
“Maybe.” She shrugged. “Maybe not as well as I did, maybe not at all. I’m sorry I didn’t keep in contact. I know you offered but it was all too raw. It still is.” She looked at him and smiled.
“I understand.” Sam’s voice was barely there.
“But to move past it I need to face it. I don’t want this coming between you and Gustaf. Manifesting into something bigger that freaks me out every time I see you or your mum. I guess I’m just asking for a little time. I can’t change what happened or how we initially met, the circumstances, that let’s face it, were a fucking shitstorm.” She huffed a chuckle and saw the nod and slight smile on Sams face. He remembered. “I can’t change that, but I can change how it affects me from here on out. I guess need time to process, time to associate you and your mum with happier times, good memories, like today.” She took his hand in hers. “I have to start somewhere right?”
“It’s a good place start.” He squeezed her hand and she breathed out the rest of the tension.
“I’m always here if you want or need to talk about it. I’m not a shrink but I was there.” He said softly, his gigantic hand dwarfing hers as he squeezed it again.
“I’d prefer talking to you more than a shrink.” She scoffed and picked at her food now the knot in her belly had loosened. Gustaf would be mad if she didn’t eat and she couldn’t handle that as well as everything else today.
“Anytime, my door’s always open. Maybe we can hang out and talk over tea, or go for a walk?” She nodded and smiled that he remembered she liked tea over coffee.
“I’d like that and I’m sorry for what Gustaf ripped into you about.” She said quietly. “He’d gone to such lengths to make sure I wasn’t overwhelmed. He wanted today to be perfect.” She huffed a chuckle. “Yet things went to shit anyway. I feel like I’ve let him down.”
“He loves you Sildie. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for you or the kids.” He said quietly. “You haven’t let him down, you’re still here, talking to me, you didn’t leave. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.” He sipped his drink and sat his empty plate on the floor between his feet. “You know, I’ve never seen him so grounded, genuinely happy, at ease. You’re good for him too. You’ve given him his life back, his self worth.”
“Were still working through our own shit but we have each other. He’s not the only one that’s been given a second chance.” She smiled, it was the truth. Gustaf had given her more than just friendship, he’d given her hope. “And I’m so gone over him it’s ridiculous.” She snorted and Sam laughed.
“I know the feeling.” His voice wistful as he looked at his long time girlfriend and their baby.
It was like they’d never stopped talking to each other, they just picked up where they left off, but this time with a little less medical emergency mayhem thrown in for good measure. She met Sam’s girlfriend and their baby and excused herself to check on the boys. She needed to step away from it for a moment.
She found Finn and his brothers hanging out in the games room with Valter, Bill, and Eija, along with countless other relations that she either hadn’t met or couldn’t remember their names. Finn was indeed wiping the floor with Valter and Bill. Seeing that everyone else was having a good time and relaxed she relaxed a little too, until she saw Eija leave the room when she’d stayed. “Ok.” She sighed quietly, she had to deal with this and it may as well be now along with all the other dirty laundry of the day.
“Eija? Can we talk for a second?” Sildie asked hoping she would at least give her a chance to have her say.
“Sure.” The tone was friendly the smile was guarded.
“Please just hear me out before you answer?” Sildie said as they tucked themselves into a corner for some measure of privacy.
“Ok.” Eija folded her arms. Defensive, well Sildie was an attorney, she knew her way around defensive people and she couldn’t blame the woman for being slightly stand-off ish.
“I’m a pretty blunt person.” She said gently. “So I’m going to come out and say what’s on my mind and talk about the elephant in the room.” She took a breath and lawyered up. “I’ll say what I’ve said to Gustaf quite a few times, I’m not Ana.” She saw Eija flinch and kept her tone gentle and even, Eija wasn’t in the wrong here, just hurting. “He’s told me everything that woman did to him, to you, to this family. I’ve watched your brother carve that bitch out of his soul because he wants to be a better person, he wants to be free of her, because he doesn’t want to be the man she tried to turn him into.” Those words registered and Eija dropped her arms to wring her hands in front of her. “I know what she did to you and I can’t even begin to understand what that’s like, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what she destroyed, between you and Gustaf, between you and your boyfriend.”
“Well he was an asshole so...”
“Even so, I’m sorry for it.” She looked at Eija and she glared right back. “From what Gustaf’s told me this guy you’re with seems like a really good guy and I’m happy for you. I just wanted you to know that I love your brother, my kids love your brother. I don’t want anyone else Eija, I just want Gustaf.” She let those words sink in.
Eija studied Sildie and nodded. “You’re good for him you know?” She said smiling slightly. “He’s happier, more settled. That bitch did a real number on him.”
“And on you and Alexander.” Sildie added. “The miscarriage.”
“So he did tell you everything.” Eija sighed and flushed. Embarrassed Sildie thought.
“Yeah he did. We’ve been helping each other. My grief and the kids, his shit with Ana. I’ve never wanted to hunt someone down and do murdery things to them before so much in my life.” She said with a huff and realized she wanted to do it all over again after what transpired at the party the other night. Eija smiled and cracked a laugh.
“I fucking thought about it.” Eija mumbled. “No one fucks with my brothers unless it’s me.”
“Well I know a few good lawyers if you get into trouble.” She mumbled on the down low. “And I’ll claim deniable plausibility if mentioned outside this conversation.” She added with a smirk.
“My brother’s a good man, she made him believe different.” Eija was loosening up, Sildie was very different and they seemed to think along the same lines. Blunt and to the point helped, Eija hated wishy washy false people.
“He is, I try and remind him of that on a daily basis.” She watched Gustaf walk towards them and smiled. “A good man with so much love locked away.”
Eija saw it then as she watched Sildie. “You’re gone over him aren’t you?”
“You have no idea.” Sildie blushed from head to foot. That look, she thought, one that spoke of lust and desire.
“I can tell by how you look at him. You can fake that.” Eija relaxed, her guard crumbling. There was no way Sildie had eyes for anyone but her brother.
“No you can’t.” Sildie breathed. Her man, tall and lanky, his strides eating up the floor as he stalked to her, ever the predator with his favorite prey.
“Is my little sister giving you a hard time?” Gustaf asked snaking an arm around her and planting a kiss on her temple.
“No were just talking, about you actually, so please go away.” Sildie giggled and kissed him as he smirked.
“You telling her all my dark secrets?” He grinned at Eija.
“No, not yet, but if you don’t fuck off I’ll tell her all about that night in the woods when you...” She quipped.
“Don’t you fucking dare.” He warned cutting her off and blushing scarlet, and Eija grinned like the cat that ate the canary. “Alex is here by the way and I believe you owe him one?”
“Oh that little bitch is going down.” Eija grinned wickedly. Sildie wasn’t sure what was going on but it sounded like the pranks had started, Gustaf had warned her. She was slightly taken back when Eija hugged her. “Thanks.” She said quickly. “For giving me my brother back.” Her smile was genuine, like all her defenses had suddenly tumbled down. She turned to Gustaf and kissed him sweetly before she left to hunt Alex down.
“What was that all about?” Gustaf asked slightly puzzled and kissed Sildie.
“We talked.”
“Well no shit.” He said flatly and she chuckled.
“Cleared the air.”
“About?” He kissed her temple just content to hold her, ground himself as well as Sildie.
“Ana.” She mumbled, not really wanting to utter that name in this house ever again.
“Ah, yeah that would do it.” He shrugged seeing her point.
“She caused a lot of damage.” Sildie stroked a finger down his jaw.
“She did.” His fingers tangled in her hair and he rested his forehead against hers.
“You ok?” Her brow creased sensing a mix of anxiety and irritation.
“Yeah, I just want you meet Alex and then sit with you in my lap until we have to go home.” He grinned.
“Sounds like a plan to me.”
“The boys are fed and watered. Even Finn ate something, I think he’s warming up to Valter.” He looked puzzled at Sildie’s laugh. “What?”
“Fed and watered, you make them sound like cattle.” She snorted.
“Well they sort of are.” He scoffed.
“Did you talk to Sam?” She asked gently. It was between him and his brother but she didn’t want this lingering.
“I did.” He kissed her sweetly. “And you don’t ever have to apologize for me love, especially to my brothers, or for feeling the grief you feel.”
“It’s your brother and your mum, I have to work on it to make it right.” She said quietly. “I want to, for you, for me, for the kids. They have uncles and and aunt and grandparents that care.” She choked. “You gave them something I could never give them.” She let the tears fall and breathed through it. She wouldn’t meltdown in the middle of everyone.
“You’re ok, love.” He soothed, his thumbs wiping the tears away. “You’re ok.” He kissed her sweetly. “They’re all jumping at the opportunity to be all of that and more for you and the kids when you’re ready.”
“There’s so much love here, it’s overwhelming.” She sniffed and wiped her eyes. “God damn it, my emotions are a fucking train wreck.” She scoffed.
“We’re family love. We bitch and fight just like any other but at the heart of it we’re all here for one another. We all help out and pitch in where needed. Like Bill and Valter are over tomorrow to help move us in together.”
“Oh.” She looked at him stunned.
“It’ll get done quicker with my brothers hanging with the kids so you and I can do the rest of the apartment and sort out what we want to keep. There’s a bunch of things in my apartment we may not want together too.” His smile was the one he only kept for her. “I love you.”
“Love you too.”
He held her until she could wrestle her emotions under control again. Calmer they were halfway over to meet Alex when My handed a fussy Lily back to Sildie and the child snuggled in. She was relieved to have the child as a buffer. Alex looked tired she thought, and after flying in from New York she wasn’t surprised.
“This must be Sildie. Pleasure to finally meet you. This guy hasn’t shut up about you.” He ribbed at his younger brother as he shook her hand.
“It’s great to finally meet everyone.” She said honestly.
“And who’s this monkey?” He asked looking at Lily who was almost asleep, clinging to her mum mum.
“This is Lily. The boys are back with Bill and...” Sildie laughed as the cream hit Alex in the face and Eija snorted a giggle before hysterical laughter ensued.
“Ok, well...” Alex chuckled. “It was great to meet you Sildie, welcome to this crazy ass family, now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go beat the snot out of my baby sister.” In a blink of an eye Alex was gone and all she could hear was a shriek from Eija before chaos reigned.
“Every year.” Gustaf grinned and chuckled as Sildie looked at him confused. “This has been going on since Eija was five. At Christmas when the Valter and Eija were little Alex would come home tired and grumpy from a flight and Eija thought it would be funny one year to push his buttons. It used to be a different prank every year and sometimes she changes it up, but it’s usually a pie in the face.” He explained as he walked them to a quieter corner so they could sit down. “He knows it’s coming, he just doesn’t know when. I think you were used as a distraction.”
“Oh god.” Her shock making Gustaf grin.
“It’s fine.” He laughed. “It’s all in fun, besides you were used unwillingly. Or were you?’ He looked at her slyly. “You been cooking up pranks with my sister?” He joked.
“No, I had no idea.” Sildie’s laugh settled him, she was relaxing.
Lily fussed and pushed Gustaf away when he went to take her before sitting down.
“I guess mum mums it tonight.” He chuckled and pulled Sildie into his lap.
“I guess so.”
They sat and talked to everyone and anyone that drifted by. The rest of the afternoon and evening a time for family, for conversation, movies, food, for love. She watched the room and saw a family that loved one another, togetherness, and now her and the kids were a part of all of it.
He felt her go lax in his arms and kissed her temple before curling her and Lily into him. She was emotionally exhausted and he smiled at the fact she’d felt comfortable enough to pass out. “My two best girls.” He murmured to himself as he kissed her head.
“It’s good to see you so happy.” Stellan said quietly as he sat beside Gustaf.
“I never thought I would be after Ana.” His honesty made his father smile.
“We didn’t either. She nearly destroyed you.” Stellan said bluntly.
“No nearly about it dad. She did.” His tone quiet. “I was almost in a bottle again because of her.”
Stellan studied his son. “But you were stronger, you fought.”
“Because of this.” He said pointing to his two girls snuggled into him, asleep, at peace. “I relapse I lose this. She gave me a reason to stay sober, to stay clean. I want to do it for me too, but I have a lot more to lose now.” Like four kids that call him dad.
“I’m proud of you.” Stellan cupped him around the neck and kissed his sons head. “So fucking proud.”
They talked about the boys, their likes and dislikes, his father wanting to know more about the four grand children he’d suddenly inherited. He talked about how the kids had decided to call him dad, explained his concerns, how it made him feel.
“They need to fill their hearts with something, someone, they need the connection.” Stellan said with a slight smile. His second born was not easy to rattle and four kids had done exactly that, to his bones. “Do you hate the idea?”
“No, it’s not that, I just don’t know if I can be that for them.” Gustaf was a little hesitant talking about this, but he needed a sounding board to work through it.
“Aren’t you already?” Stellan shrugged.
“Yes but...”
“No buts. Kid logic, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. You look like a dad, are like a dad, therefore you are a dad.” He said gently. “Give it time, I’m sure it’s not an easy transition for them either even though they’re the ones that made the decision.”
“I feel like I’m betraying their father, like I’ve crossed a line.” And he did, he felt like he was betraying their memory of Quinn.
Now we get to it Stellan thought.
“Gustaf you haven’t. If you’d forced it maybe, but from what you’ve told me, Quinn and Dana are talked about, still part of their lives, and still will be even though they call you dad. The harsh reality is their father is gone. You’ve given them someone they can depend on, lean on. It’s their way of showing you and those around them that you matter as much to them as their father did. For kids to choose you as a father is a huge deal for them, they’re healing, they’re moving forward, and thats important too.”
Gustaf glanced over to where the twins sat curled up almost asleep, Brendan laughing with Valter, his two best girls in his arms.
“Give it time.” His father said softly and squeezed his shoulder as he stood as his younger sons were calling for him. “Come up for coffee later if you need to.” He said gently, knowing Gustaf would need time to think it all over, to process it.
She felt his lips at her cheek and a soft chuckle. “Wake up sleepy head.”
“Oh crap I’m so sorry.” She mumbled, dragging herself from sleep.
“It’s ok. I think it’s time to get you all home. It’s nearly bewitching time for the boys and Lily is out cold.” He chuckled at the drooling toddler in her arms.
“Yeah she’s out, she’s deadweight.” Sildie said quietly. “I might just carry her home and then put her straight to bed.”
Gustaf collected the boys while Sildie tucked Lily’s coat around her. They said their goodbyes and headed home. They would see Bill and Valter tomorrow to help them move and My had said Sildie and the kids could drop past anytime. It was handy that the Skarsgard family home was across the road from Gustaf’s, no not Gustaf’s, she thought, home, their home. Home to their bed.
The kids passed out without fuss, too worn out from the days activities to argue about more game time. They’d barely been awake enough for showers before sleeping in their new rooms.
He checked on the kids while she went to the bathroom for her nightly routine, it had been a long day, yet he was wired. The excitement of her moving in, the gift from the kids, seeing her and the kids with his family, his heart was full to bursting with love for that woman. He stood watching Lily sleep, in her room, in his apartment, in their home. His name may have been on the title, but it was their home now, something else he see to later. He had some of his own legal paperwork to take care of.
Tonight had gone well apart from the one upheaval, thank god the kids missed that one. “Small blessings.” He mumbled.
He felt her hands at his hips, those fingers slip under the hem of his shirt to graze his ribs. He held her hand over his heart and groaned softly as her nails scratched along the substantial bulge in his jeans. He pivoted and gently pinned her to the wall with his body, his gaze raking over her to find those beautiful lips painted an alluring shade of crimson.
His thumb and finger gripped her chin firmly, eyes searching hers before he kissed her, slowly, devouring every inch of her mouth. He pulled back just enough to see a different robe draped over those tantalizing curves. Taking her hand in his he led her to the bedroom silently. Closing the door he pressed her to it, his thigh sliding between her legs, pinned. He flicked the lock in place.
“That’s a pretty shade of red kitten.” He growled as his thumb brushed over her bottom lip before kissing it tenderly.
“I know that daddy likes it.” She purred. His cock twitched at the mention of his endearment.
“Yes he does.” He savaged that mouth, the need to taste her on his tongue. “What do you want kitten?” He breathed, lips ghosting hers.
“You.” She whispered.
With a hand cupped behind her neck he walked backward into the room not taking his eyes off those lips. It was then he saw the full length black lace robe, see through, erotic, beautiful.
“This is new.” He purred, fingers already wandering.
“Merry Christmas.” She smirked.
“Are you my Christmas present kitten?” He smiled slyly.
She nodded and bit her bottom lip, her eyes finding his from under her lashes. The look she gave him was nothing short of smoldering. He gripped her chin hard and sucked her bottom lip free, it was sinfully erotic how he devoured her mouth.
“Mine.” He growled. “All mine.”
He let her hands wander his chest, fingers arousing and lifting the fabric from his skin to rest above his heart, the need to feel him under her hands. Kissing her sweetly his fingers trailed over her breasts and pinched her nipples gently through the lace, that soft gasp as his lips ghosted hers.
“Close your eyes.” He instructed and kissed her when she complied. He stepped behind her and braided her hair. The soft kiss to her shoulder made her shiver. “Shall I set you free kitten?” He asked sincerely.
“Please.” It was a half sob half plea. She couldn’t hold it back, he could give her such freedom, where there was no anxiety, no grief, nothing but him and a deep peace she longed for.
“Easy kitten.” He purred and slipped his large palm over her core. “Breathe for me.” His tone soothed her, she was still on edge, needing a release, to cry to let the grief out before it overwhelmed her again.
“Such a good girl for me today.” He praised, kissing her other shoulder. “So strong for me. Breathe.” He kissed the nape of her neck tenderly as he felt her try and wrangle her breathing under control.
“Open your eyes.” He commanded gently. His fingers undid the belt at her waist, his gaze falling on hers in the reflection of the full length mirror. “So beautiful.” He caressed where skin bordered lace, traced the delicate scalloped edges of the robe along the length of her chest and torso until she was trembling. “Such beauty shouldn’t be hidden.” He said honestly as his fingers slipped under the lace at her shoulders and gently peeled the robe down her arms to let it pool at her feet.
“Watch.” He murmured, as his hands roamed her curves, each dip and valley so familiar to him now. Her gaze followed his hands, the arousal warming her, relaxing her. She needed gentle tonight. There was a time for their game and the rougher side of their dynamic but not tonight. She needed tender, she needed gentle, he could give her that too.
He stepped away to lay the robe over her chair, and came back to stand behind her. He knew she preferred the blindfold, forcing her body to feel what she couldn’t see.
“Is this what you need? He asked gently as he tied it over her eyes and kissed the nape of her neck. Her breathy yes melted him before he stepped away to strip.
She felt him stand in front of her. The warmth radiating from him, that familiar scent calming her. She gasped as his mouth closed over a nipple and sucked gently, first one, then the other, a slow, gentle tease, fingers delicately roaming her body. Hooking his finger under her chin he lead her to the bed until she was sitting along the edge of it.
“Hands on your feet, knees to your chest kitten.” He instructed, the gentle strokes of his fingers guiding her limbs where he wanted them. “Knees together.” He purred as the first strand of rope went around her back and under her knees to secure her thighs to her chest.
She focused on his fingers, their gentleness, the rope digging in, but a comfort more than pain. Losing herself to the calm intimacy she felt her emotional anxiety start to relinquish its hold on her, it was still so close to the surface she had to think about her breathing.
“Breathe kitten.” He murmured, his hands gentle on her back. Hearing her breath shudder out he touched her, calming strokes, giving her time.
Moving to sit at her feet he kissed his way down her legs, those gorgeous legs he slowed down to savor as he went. He bound her wrists to her ankles, her forearms running along the outside of her shins. Sitting still he watched her carefully, assessing her anxiety, her emotions, he never stopped touching her.
As he finished he kissed his way up her legs and hooked a finger under her chin to lift her head. “So beautiful.” He kissed her, tongue demanding entry, those pretty sounds falling from her.
“Lay on your side.” He brushed a finger down the side he wanted her to lay on and helped her down. “Too tight?” He asked seeing her wrestle against her wrist bindings more forcefully than she’d done before.
“No. The wrist underneath is a little funky.” She said, her breathing suddenly rapid. He could see it was freaking her out a little and he loosened it and repositioned the knot.
“Better?” He asked and kissed her wrist, his focus on her comfort, her anxiety. She nodded. “I need to hear it kitten.” He said sternly.
“Yes.” She squeaked. He kissed his way up her arm and leaned into kiss those ruby red lips. Her chest was heaving with the short sharp breaths.
“Breathe.” He ordered and saw the tone he’d used snapped her out of it. “Do we need to stop?” He asked and she shook her head, he gave it a minute not wanting to push for a verbal answer just yet. This might be too much in her current state of mind, he thought. “Nothing can touch you but me.” He said gently. “Just me kitten.” His fingers stroked over her body as his words soothed, lips kissing every arousal point exposed. “Let me set you free.” He murmured. “Let me give you what you need.” As those fingers wandered, her body relaxed and his touch went from calming to arousal. “Do we need to stop?” He asked again softly.
“No.” Her voice calmer than before.
“Deep breath.” He commanded softly and she did. He let her sit for a moment, breathing deeply, his low tone soothing, encouraging. He climbed off the bed to stand and leaned over pulling her body to the very edge of the mattress until her ass brushed his thighs. He let his fingers wander, the sensitive skin along the backs of her thighs now exposed in her current position, the sweep of her hip, the long slender arm. She gasped when his knuckle grazed her heat, already wet and wanting.
The new position aroused her, the thrill zipping up her spine at the thought of him taking her like this, it was different and erotic. Her breathing hitched as his lips kissed their way up her thigh, over her hip, and along her arm, the slow pace torturous. His hand dipped between the fold in her body to palm a breast, the swipe of his thumb over her nipple pulling a soft cry from her throat. He dropped to his knees and kissed her along her thighs, her pussy nestled ready for him to taste.
Kisses to the underside of her thigh drove her arousal into high gear as his hands roamed her legs. That clever mouth licking and sucking every inch of her, edging closer and closer to her heat. He could smell her arousal, the heady scent of her, his mouth watered. Threading his fingers in her hair he pulled her head back gently and feasted, tongue diving into taste her. That soft cry as he dipped his tongue inside her made his cock throb, the sweetness of her filling his senses.
She couldn’t move and his mouth was destroying her. Straining against her bindings she felt her climax surge forward, the unending pleasure he was inflicting too much for her system to try to control. The grip in her hair tightened as a hand squeezed her breasts pinching the nipple hard, his tongue relentless in it’s pursuit. Her cry was one of relief as her body shattered, the release she’d been searching for finally claiming her.
Releasing both breast and hair he massaged out the sting before standing and kissing his way up her body.
“So sweet for me kitten.” He growled as his mouth took hers. Was it wrong she found pleasure in tasting herself on his lips?
His hands trailed over her skin as he stood. Taking his cock in his hand he stroked it, the need to feel her around him strong. He circled his tip through her heat, her juices coating him. “So wet for me kitten.” He purred, his cock twitched in his hand as her entrance clenched around his tip, inviting, alluring.
She tried to arch as his thick length entered her, but she was going nowhere. Each glorious inch filling her as she strained against the silk cord, a delicious cry spilling from her scarlet lips. The new position and angle sent her brain scrambling to try and comprehend what level of bliss this was. His legs trembled as he buried himself inside her to his hilt.
“Fuck you’re so tight kitten.” He breathed, squashing the urge to fuck her hard. He moved inside her, the change in angle tantalizing for both of them and it wasn’t long before she crested.
“Please.” She whimpered. “Please.”
“Come for me kitten, let me watch my good girl come.” He kept his rhythm slow and deep, his hand gripping her hip as he thrust.
“Harder.” She cried.
“Soon.”
“Please.” Her whimper was almost tears but he stayed thrusting slow and deep.
“Let it take you kitten.” He growled.
She shattered at his words, her orgasm ripping through her. His grunt made her shiver as he tried to stay in control as her pussy gripped him like a velvet vice. He rode out her pleasure and pulled out. “Roll over.” He commanded. Lifting her legs he helped roll her to rest on her other side and slid back into her heat.
“Oh fuck.” She cried, the sensation of being suddenly filled peaking her climax, the slow, maddening rhythm teetering her on the edge.
“Mmm, so tight.” He purred, as he felt her body tense.
“Please.” She whimpered, her cry making his cock throb as she came again. Her body trembled as he continued to take her. Pulling out again he took her feet and rolled her to her back, placing her feet on his chest. He gripped her hips and pulled her so her hips were off the edge of the bed.
He thrust his hips gently and felt his cock slide the length of her labia, that softness making his head spin. “So beautiful.” He said gently. With two orgasms so close together she was panting, every movement straining her bindings. He made her wait, the tip of his cock resting at her entrance, the tremble of her body arousing them both beyond madness. With a snap of his hips he thrust hard, her scream beautiful. One day he’d record that sound, he vowed as he thrust slow and deep, his thick shaft filling her.
“Harder.” She begged. “Please harder.” The whimpered cry urging him on. She wanted to feel him and nothing else, to feel anything but the rollercoaster of emotions that had torn her apart today. “Daddy please.” She cried, tears soaking into the blindfold.
He heard it in her voice, the tears, the need to feel anything but the emotions he knew were swimming inside her. His hips pistoned, a hand securing her feet to his chest as he fucked her as she’d asked, hard and deep. “Do you feel me kitten?” He growled.
She pulled hard against the silk rope as she peaked, the material cutting into her skin, a comforting restriction. “Yes.” She gasped as his cock pounded into her, thick and long, stretching her, filling her so completely. “Harder.” She whimpered. He complied as her body went rigid, before her head arched back and she screamed.
Her orgasm tore through her, and another crested immediately as he took her for himself now. He gripped her hips and took her harder, his own release imminent.
“Daddy please.” She begged.
“Come for me kitten.” He said shakily as he bottomed out and groaned. “Come for daddy.” He growled and as she screamed in pleasure he came on the heels of her climax, hips flexing and thrusting until they were both spent.
He was already untying her hands and feet before her orgasm had ebbed, his cock still inside her, determined to get a head start before the tears came. And they would come.
“You’re ok kitten.” He said gently as he felt her body shake, could hear her breathing hard. He lowered her arms to the bed gently once they were released and pulled out of her. He was releasing her legs from her chest when the sobs started. Grabbing the scissors from the night stand he cut the rest knowing she needed out now. He bundled her into his arms and moved her into the bed, his body pressing her into the mattress, the covers pulled over both of them, safe, secure.
“You’re ok love.” He said softly as he untied the blind fold.
“I’m so sorry.” She cried, the tears streaking her cheeks, sobs tearing through her system.
“No, my lovely lady, you’re fine. I’ve got you, you’re fine. Let it all go.” He kissed her and her arms wrapped around him as she buried her face in his neck.
Breathing him in with a shuddered breath she let go of the day, all that grief and guilt, the stress. She cried, the sobs tearing from her along with a string of I’m sorry, the apology for the loving man holding her in his arms while she fell apart. Her hands stroked his chest, his face, the need to feel him, those tender kisses with each touch reassuring her he wasn’t going anywhere, she wasn’t alone.
“My Sildie.” He murmured, that tone soothing, a balm for her ragged soul. “My love. You’re so strong.”
He looked down at her and kissed her head, a silent plea to look at him. She didn’t comply right away, but he gave her time, the red rimmed eyes that looked back broke his heart. “I love you.” He said tenderly and kissed her, soft and warm.
Her hands cupped his face and she deepened it. “I love you too. God I’m so sorry. Fucking losing my shit.” She scoffed and sniffed.
“It’s ok.”
“Not on Christmas it’s not.” She huffed.
“Sildie look at me love.” She did and he smiled. “You’re here with me, in our bed, in our home. This is the one place you can lose your shit, without judgement, without apology.” He kissed her and went to roll off her but she stopped him.
“Stay. Please.” She begged, her hands gripping at him. He relaxed further using his weight to press her into the mattress.
“Better?” He asked kissing her head.
“Much. Thank you.” She mumbled as her face pressed against his chest. “I need you.” She said quietly and he knew what she meant. She needed him to stay, to be pressed against her, steady, solid, unwavering.
“I hurt you.” He said quietly as he lifted her wrist to inspect where the bindings had been, the scrape mark where the friction of the rope had burned her.
“No, I hurt me.” She said gently. “I pulled against them too hard.”
“You should have said something love.” He kissed one wrist, then the other. “Are your ankles sore too?”
“No, just the wrists.”
He kissed her, demanding and slightly irritated. “Next time tell me, please. I don’t like it when it hurts you like that.” His fingers tenderly brushed at her hair. “Do you want to talk about anything from tonight?” He asked, the slow kiss giving her time to think about it.
“Not really. It wasn’t all bad.” She gave him a slight smile.
“Well that’s something.” He grinned. “Thank you.” He kissed her sweetly. “For meeting them, I know it was rough, but it meant a lot to me, to my family.”
“I’d move the world for you too love. They’re your family and they’re important to you, so they’re important to me.”
“I’m so in love with you.” He breathed, kissing her long and slow. “But now, you need sleep. Moving day tomorrow.” He murmured and kissed her again. “You’re moving in with me.” He said against her lips and then devoured them.
“Yes I am.” She yawned.
He rolled off when she was comfortable for him to leave her so she could get up and use the bathroom and he checked on the kids, out cold. “I guess the soundproofing works.” He chuckled to himself, because her screams earlier would have no doubt woken them. He watched Lily sleep and smiled. They were here, in his apartment, tomorrow they’d be moved in for good. “My family.” He mumbled, the emotion filing his eyes. “My kids.” He let the breath whoosh out of him. “I’m their dad.”
She was curled up in the middle of their bed when he came back in with some water. “Drink something love.” He said and waited but there was no answer. He smiled and sat the glass beside her phone. Switching the lights off he curled her into him and felt her body go lax as his warmth and scent registered in her brain. “Sleep love.” He murmured and followed her into sleep moments later.
@hausofobsession @ill-skillsgard @grandpa-sweaters @authentic90skidd @tuckersgirl @fairlyfallacy @flowers-in-your-hayr @raewritesfiction @stinkerbelle007 @kamie-b @mrsaugustwalker @skrsgardspam @loliwrites @trippedmetaldetector @lihikainanea @fay-walden
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meggannn · 5 years
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@ferociousqueak @steinbecks funny enough I was in a mood to talk about my Shep, so you’re both mind readers :D
-- LYDIA SHEPARD
10. Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such?
(TBH I have difficulty understanding neuroticism because people seem to use the word a lot to refer to a lot of things, people, and symptoms. Even reading and listening to doctors’ explanations doesn’t help, but I’ll try to answer this.)
It’s weird, she does have some serious personality issues that make her a little left of normal, but IIIIIIII wouldn’t call all of it neurosis? She’s not overemotional, doesn’t have anxiety, and she’s not strictly a negative person. But she can be paranoid (from ME2-onward), cynical, and obviously has serious PTSD throughout the series; I wouldn’t say she’s depressed until maybe ME3. I think she knows all of these things: she has a pretty realistic grip on her strengths and flaws, and she knows when she’s not in a good headspace to make certain kinds of decisions, etc. It’s what makes her a good leader but it gives her a contradictorily low opinion of her own self-worth outside of her title. I think she starts treating herself a bit like a machine, like, she only eats well because she knows she has to; she makes herself sleep well because the consequences will be worse later if she doesn’t; she’s loyal to people but doesn’t expect (or sometimes even want) people to be loyal to her.
20. Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them?
I don’t have anything particularly juicy to report here. No diseases when she was a kid, whether out of luck or extermination of modern diseases in the 22nd century. But she did suffer from malnutrition and anything you would expect to come from that: anemia, fatigue, etc., especially as a biotic. They were probably worse, though manageable, when she was a teenager, but got better once she joined the navy with a steady diet and exercise.
30. Reaction to sudden intrapersonal disaster (eg close family member suddenly dies)
She goes to work on autopilot. Shepard is a very action-oriented person, so an ever-present thought for her is always going to be “What next?” Kaidan’s dead, but we still need to stop Saren. Legion and Thane and Mordin are dead, but we still need to stop the Reapers. Anderson, my friend and mentor and only father figure and probably the person who knows me best in life, is dead, but I still need to activate the Crucible. I think part of it is just made easier because she accepts this is the reality of her work. If it’s a death for a good cause, it hurts, but it’s easier to swallow.
Shepard’s ‘resurrection’ might be the most complicated and fascinating intrapersonal tribulation I might have ever seen a character go through, and imo I love it when Shepards handle it TERRIBLY. This workaholic trait is why she was able to get back to work as soon as she woke up from the dead, but it comes at the risk of her own emotional sanity, imo. Some of it she might be able to release by yelling at The Illusive Man, but that’s it; I think she’s too good a soldier to risk a mission by being reckless just to work off stress, so pouring herself back into work by doing the best job she can is the only avenue she sees available. Grief, if/when it comes, usually comes months later; at most she might lock herself in a room, have a moment, and then get back to it.
40. Would you say that they have a superiority-complex? Inferiority-complex? Neither?
Weirdly both? It comes with having a high opinion of her abilities and strengths, and almost no opinion of herself outside of the uniform just because she doesn’t know who that is. (To her credit, she is rarely wrong about her skills, just because it’s literally her job to know her limits. As an N7, she isn’t exactly incompetent; the only time I would say Shepard miscalculates her own abilities is on Aratoht.)
50. Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?
*cracks knuckles*
Pre-service: Yes, though she wouldn’t say she’s afraid of dying, just specifically starving.
Enlistment: No opinion. She wants to do better, but she doesn’t have much going for her. If she’s a little fish in a very big universe; if she can at least die for a better cause than a gang war, she’d be fine with that.
Akuze: Yes. Oh god yes. She doesn’t know what she was thinking before.
Villa Militar: Slowly, surprisingly, no, but in a peaceful way. She’s only reluctant to die because she knows she has worth now alive, she has a mentor and a team of people who support her now, and doesn’t want to let them down.
ME1: Not anymore. Not to quote a psychopath, but along the lines of “Did you put on that uniform thinking you wouldn’t be asked to kill?”, Shepard has come to an understanding of “Did I put on that uniform thinking you wouldn’t die in it?”
ME2: hahhahahahHAHHAHAHHAH she’s not thinking about it. She’s not thinking about what happened after she “died,” she’s not thinking about how she saw nothing felt nothing WAS nothing. In fact she’s so good at Not Thinking About It, she’s snaps at anyone who calls their tour a suicide mission, even jokingly. She will not lose an entire crew for the third time, she will not she will not she will NOT.
ME3: The closest I can get to is... Dying in war for her would feel unfinished and restless. Dying after it’s over would be the closest thing to finally having peace that she can imagine. (She gets her wish.)
-- ATEM
9. Makeup?
Oh of course. Have you seen him? Both ancient world Atem and modern day Atem go all out. Atem is also fascinated by nail polish. Fortunately Yuugi is the fantastic encouraging partner that he is and doesn’t mind sharing a bathroom space with a guy who owns ten different kinds of mascara.
18. Favorite beverage?
Atem’s favorite food is his homeland is falafel which is basically like the modern day casual equivalent of a hamburger, so I’m gonna guess his favorite drink is also something extremely common, like beer, esp since the Egyptians drank so much. modern-day, I think he would also be oddly fascinated by and have a small obsession with like, a random sports drink, like Gatorade or something.
27. What is their biggest regret?
If accepting the Orichalchos/sacrificing Yuugi isn’t number one, it’s definitely at least in the top three. I think not being able to save Mahaad and his friends is another, and the Dark Games/his s0 behavior is a final third.
36. What makes them feel guilty?
Letting down his loved ones; for him it’s more than just failing to protect or do right by them them, I think it’s also failing the image he puts on for himself. He puts on a brave face because he knows he has no other choice. When he falls short of that, it means his friends sacrificed themselves for nothing, it means the Ishtars have been putting their hopes on a fraud, it means he’s not the man he thought he was.
45. Superstitions or views on the occult?
Well this guy believes in the Egyptian pantheon and is pretty accepting of any random ass magic that crosses his path -- and then usually masters the random ass magic within like, twenty minutes -- so I think that he’s got a pretty open mind where that’s concerned. For him, duel monsters is literally religious, so I think he has a great respect for unknown forces in the world.
THE EXCESSIVELY DETAILED HEADCANON TUMBLR MEME
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