#i went over and played it a while ago to win cus i was pretty bad at it when i was a kid

[wombrion]

that girlsgogames anon is so right your artstyle especially reminds me of devilish hairdresser ^^

yeas!! i remember watching a friend play that one when i was little.. it was very charming

[puppy-phum]

some heihua for the soul

so the update for Binding isn’t happening today bc my brain is complete mush after trying to aggressively finish my thesis yesterday and i decided to give my brain two days off bc of that. also, i promised @ashenwren some time to beta read the ending part (which they already did but! now i need some time with it myself) so i am leaving everybody to wait until saturday. 

meanwhile, i am offering yall a sneak peek/first look at my heihua fic which is very loosely tied to my pingxie. basically, this is just me playing around with hei xiazi as a character and his and xiao hua’s dynamic’s more... tender side. 

i know that @jockvillagersonly and ashen have already read this which has been amazing so thank you for your love ♥ but take this again ^^ also thanks to @cross-d-a for listening to me ramble about heihua and sharing this idea with me. and thank you to @i-am-just-a-kiddo​ who i’m doing all of this for ♥ you are the best parent-in-law for these two and this fandom!

It’s a bad week for him. 

First, it’s the girl he finds while raiding a warehouse full of smuggled weapons and possibly, most likely, drugs. She’s maybe twelve, eyes wide and hair messy, bones poking her skin where Hei Xiazi can see her elbows flashing under her short sleeves. There are bruises around her wrists and burn marks on the inside of her arms. She doesn’t speak but she doesn’t have to, all of her screaming of experiences worthy of a hundred years instead of a dozen. 

She presses her face into her hands when Hei Xiazi fires his gun, and he feels something come loose inside of him at the broken, aborted noise she makes that rings louder than the shot itself. 

Hei Xiazi carries her kicking and screaming out of the warehouse, leaving behind the slowly ending gun fight and the smell of gasoline. She only goes silent once Hei Xiazi puts her down, flinching bodily away from him but not going far. She hovers, fingers slowly curling around the hem of his long jacket while they wait, shoulders hunching against the cold. Hei Xiazi offers her his jacket with a smile, buys her a sandwich which she then throws up, and helps her into a hospital once they’re safe to leave. 

No one else stays behind with her. All the other people they found from that warehouse scattered as soon as the fight began and only she remained, lost in the thought of having to leave the premises that had become her world. She has no family, no house, no money. Hei Xiazi watches her leave with the social workers, bones of her wrists like twigs threatening to snap even after some proper meals and eyes so big they seem to swallow the light around her. She still hasn’t said a word. Hei Xiazi doubts she ever will. 

Her pale face looks like a ghost as she turns to give Hei Xiazi one last glance over her shoulder, and that’s what she becomes to him once he goes home and puts that warehouse out of his mind. It’s hard and he feels himself haunted, and whatever it was that got loose in his chest rattles like the tail of a snake. 

Then, he hears about Su Wan. Hears about the mission that went south with the three youngsters. Hears about Su Wan getting hurt. 

It isn’t anything new in their line of business to get hurt, to even die. When he first met the boy in the desert, he predicted he would find him six feet under after only a day. There was too much softness in Su Wan, too much trust, too much naivete. He had a big brain and clever ideas but his core was gooey, leaking out in way too telling bursts, leaving nothing hidden. 

Su Wan had reminded Hei Xiazi of young Wu Xie. Even his floundering with his knife had reminded him of Wu Xie. Even his adaptability had been annoyingly similar to Wu Xie’s, and Hei Xiazi had questioned his taste in students. At least the boy had paid better. At least the boy hadn’t been wishing to die. 

He had not expected, after knowing all of that, to experience such fear when he first heard that Su Wan had gotten himself stabbed and had almost bled out in a cave, with only Li Cu and Yang Hao to look after himself and a saving bed of a hospital hours away. His hands had shook, making it impossible to hold anything while trying to breathe, and he had quickly been reminded of the little girl, torn open and going a bit feral just because she didn’t know what to do.

It was a surprisingly new thing to care. As surprising as the fact that he still knew of such things.

“I thought I had taught you better, kid,” he says as he goes to the hospital, in the middle of the night of all things, having to cover Su Wan’s mouth so that he doesn’t scream and wake up the better half of the city. The boy’s eyes are wide and heartbeat rapid under his fingers where he can feel it pulsing against Su Wan’s jaw. Then the boy is scrambling at his fingers to speak from between them. He pulls his hand away. 

“Hei-ye!” the boy whispers fervently, like an anchor casted in water. “I thought you were out of the country!”  

“I was until yesterday when I heard that you got stabbed,” he explains, voice leaning more towards mockery than any actual care. Su Wan knows what that means. The boy knows more than anyone else has ever known about a person like Hei Xiazi. It’s a strange thing but Hei Xiazi has come to almost like it. 

“I’m fine!” the boy chirps, lighting up like a lightbulb. Hei Xiazi helps him sit in his bed, snatching a chair for himself from the corner, and then evaluates the damage. Su Wan is smiling while a thick roll of bandages circle his stomach. There are at least thirty stitches there, curving along his side. Some more adorn his bicep where he tried to evade another blade. A darkening bruise is making his cheek swell, casting an extra shadow under his chin. 

Hei Xiazi sighs and closes his eyes when Su Wan starts to tell the story, his voice a soft whisper made even softer with lingering sleep. The beep of the machines tell Hei Xiazi the boy is alive. The painful thrum of his own heart tells him he’s alive too. 

Su Wan falls asleep holding onto Hei Xiazi’s sleeve. He cannot remember how the boy got the leather between his fingers but prying his hold away is like bending steel. It feels impossible and burns equal amounts. 

Finally, he slips back into the cold night. 

He doesn’t go to his apartment, the one he’s currently occupying, his few belongings strewn across the floor and nothing making the place feel like his. Even after years and years and years, some part of him still feels sick at the thought of emptiness. He’s tried his hardest to carve his bones empty and chest clean but after each year spent alone or with someone or wanting, he realizes it’s a battle he cannot win. There’s something terribly strong under his ribs. It refuses to die even before his curse of immortality and the knowledge that goes beyond his comprehension. It refuses to die even when facing the cold, cruel world. 

The walls surrounding the Xie Manor are high but not high enough to keep him at bay. If they were, he would’ve never come here. He would’ve never returned, not after he once left. 

Climbing up the wall of the manor to the third floor makes his lungs burn, but then he’s pushing the window open already, stepping silently onto the polished floor. 

“Xiazi,” a familiar voice says, not even pretending to sound sleepy. “It’s three in the morning. Is it really a suitable time to be visiting the head of Xie family?”

Hei Xiazi smiles, shrugging off his leather jacket and placing it onto the back of a chair beside him. The air in the room feels chilly with the window open but he likes to hear the noises from outside and he likes the line of silver painted onto the floor and across the luxurious double bed. He likes that he can pretend his vision is so clear just because of the moon. 

“Hua’er-ye,” he says back, voice like honey because he loves to tease this man and loves how the tone makes his perfect eyebrows pinch. “Are you sure this isn’t a dream?”

“I would dream you naked at least, not dripping mud all over my floors.”

“As you wish,” he says and reaches for his own belt before moving closer to the bed, toeing his shoes off on the first two steps.

Xie Yuchen is warm but firm when Hei Xiazi meets his body, crashing into his lips and then slipping hands down his silk covered spine. He hums, hiding his laugh. He’s always loved the absolute brilliance and practicality and strength of this man but under all that, Xie Yuchen is a little spoiled. A rich family head. A powerful man with more money than Hei Xiazi could possibly imagine. He’s never tried, not really caring. For all his acting, he’s never gone for Xie Yuchen for his money. 

He takes care of helping Xie Yuchen out of his expensive pajamas, kissing him wet and shivering after each uncovered piece of skin. There is something beautiful about Xie Yuchen in the stark light of the moon, eyes burning bright and the line of his throat like an invitation. Hei Xiazi wishes he could tell him that, sometimes, but he’s preferred to seal his lips. His poetry would not suit the ears of Xie Yuchen. 

He’s never been one for pretty words, crude and almost barbaric instead, tongue made out of barbwire and mind of a strategic plan. Between them, all those edges exist in harmony, and so he’s never felt the need for anything more, enjoying the simplicity of just being. 

Ironically, as the sun is already rising, coloring the horizon with its colorless light, he still descends into words. It’s like something is pulling them out of his chest, and when there’s a force outside of his control beneath his ribs, he cannot do anything but unravel upon Xie Yuchen’s white satin sheets.

“There was this girl,” he says, looking into the still remaining dark – or as dark as anything can be for his eyes, that comfort taken from him ages ago. “I saved her from a warehouse a couple of days ago. She didn’t speak, couldn’t eat because she’d been kept hungry for so long. There were burn marks on her arms, probably from cigarettes or a lighter. They told me she was thirteen. She didn’t look like she was thirteen.”

Xie Yuchen’s hands are on his back, brushing lightly against his shoulder blades, drawing something there. His heartbeat is steady under Hei Xiazi’s cheek and his skin burns, burns, burns. He remembers how he had looked at that girl in the eyes and seen himself there. 

“I remember,” he says quietly, closing his eyes, “feeling the same burn on my skin. I have no memories of when or why but I know there were cigarettes. I know her pain. I know the scars.”

“Were you a child back then?” Xie Yuchen asks, his body a strong, sturdy thing against him. A rock. A mountain. He never thought he would feel lost in this world but there is something about himself in every child he’s ever saved, in all of their wide, fearful eyes, in all of their screams, their desperate fight, their bared teeth and messy heads of hair. There’s something about him in all of their thrumming, wild panic, like a bird under their skin; in their desperation to get away, to find a place to belong, to find safety and food and trust. To heal a body that has not been their own or has felt like an enemy or a liability or a curse. 

He cannot remember the time he was a child, cannot remember the time before he went blind and began to see too much, cannot remember being anything but this eternal man on the outskirts of the world. He cannot remember ever having a family or feeling the absence of it. 

But then, there’s this echo in his mind. It rings back from the eyes of every child he’s ever tried to help. He thinks, maybe, he still knows how he lost. 

“I only remember being burned,” he says. “I only remember the pain and being afraid. And isn’t that a stupid thing to remember when it could be so many things?” He laughs, as much as it can be a laugh when something twists inside of his chest, bringing tightly together that something that was let loose. He chokes on it, feeling his voice die down. Xie Yuchen turns beside him so that they both lie on their sides, looking at each other. The line of the moon falls over Xie Yuchen’s hips and almost lands on Hei Xiazi’s waiting hand. 

“Bad things linger,” Xie Yuchen says with a certainty of a man who knows this to be true. During the years, Hei Xiazi has learned a couple of the bad things that happened to this proud man. “But you are turning them into something good.”

“And how much does it change to save a couple of children?” he huffs, tired of the heart that cannot leave him at peace.  

“For them, everything.”

[holylulusworld]

Pure Love (3)

Request: I was wondering if u would be willing to write a florist reader x mob dean story where the reader is extremely shy and doesn’t wanna date him cus she’s scared of him but he’s super soft with her and it shocks all the other mob members because they have never seen this side of him.

Summary: It’s been too long since he met someone pure making him feel less evil.

Pairing: Mobster!Dean x Reader, Mobster!Benny Lafitte,

Warnings: angst, shy reader, innocent reader (non-sexual), fluff, flirting, comforting, soft/caring Dean, a hint of making out, implied smut

Pure Intensions Masterlist

The next weeks passed in a blink. You slowly got comfortable around Dean. Every morning he drives you to your shop to make sure you get there safe. Castiel or one of Dean’s other men is always by your side. You like the blue-eyed man the most. He’s a bit silent, maybe shy but less scary than Benny or Gadreel.

Unfortunately, this week Castiel is away, along with Garth. That’s the reason Benny took the trench-coat wearing man’s place.

“You okay there, Chère?” Benny is glancing at you, knowing you feel uncomfortable around him. 

“Yeah…” Shyly nodding you try to focus on anything than the dangerous man sitting next to your side.

“Please don’t believe I would harm you, Chère.” Benny rumbles giving you a charming smile. “I know I can look intimidating, but I swear I would rather die than hurt a girl. Especially not my boss’s girl.”

“Why?” Curiously glancing at the man, you see his features soften. “Dean would kill me if anything happens to you and he would rip me apart slow and painful if I dared to harm you. Relax and act as if I’m not around. I will just sit here, read my newspaper and make sure no one will hurt you.”

“How did you get into this business if you don’t mind me asking.” Benny leans back, smiling at the memory. “I met Dean during a tough time. Some years ago, when I was younger my boss abandoned me for falling in love with a girl.”

“I’m sorry…” Gasping you meet Benny’s eyes and you can see the hurting all over his face. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Hey, that was years ago, Y/N.” The tall man shrugs, offering you a cracked smile. “Said boss almost killed me, left me to die in the desert. I thought he killed my lovely girl too but…” Now Benny sighs. “He offered her a better life and she agreed. Money can buy everything, I guess…”

“Not everything…” Gently placing one hand onto Benny’s shoulder you shake your head. “Loyalty, friendship and love - money can’t buy this. I watched you and Dean together. You are not just boss and employee, Mr. Lafitte, you are friends…”

“Call me Benny, Chére or I feel like an old man next to you.” Chuckling Benny pats your hand on his shoulder, glancing up at you. “I know why Dean has a thing for you, you’re someone special.”

Flustered you look at Benny, not knowing how to react to such a compliment. “I still owe you my story.” Getting up the tall man glances out of the window, remembering the day he met Dean.

“You don’t have to tell me, Benny. It’s quite alright. I know how it feels not wanting to remember the past or certain people.” Voice soft you stand behind the Benny, gently patting his back.

“I recovered and got to know my girl, the woman I love is still alive, held hostage in the Mansion which used to be my home. I wanted to storm into the building when someone stopped me.” Benny keeps on talking, explaining Dean wanted to break into the house too, to prove he’s worthy. “Dean had a plan to enter the house, I could get my girl and Dean gets what he wants too.”

“So, this was some kind of ritual?” You ask not understanding what this means. 

“You see…uh…” Scratching his chin Benny tries to explain how things work in the ‘family business’. “It’s like when kids tell you to steal a candy to prove you are brave enough. This was the same with Dean.”

 “I get it. Dean had to prove he can get into the house and get something special.”

“Smart girl. John and his men waited outside, just in case. It was the usual drill to steal something from a befriended family.” Benny’s eyes darken at the memory of that night. “Dean and I entered the house with a stolen key. I thanked him and we parted ways.”

“I assume something went wrong?” Glancing at Benny you can see the hurting once again as he starts talking again. “Let’s say my girl wasn’t in danger. It was the opposite, Y/N. She was living a good life. Money. Expensive clothes. Everything she always wanted.”

“Some people don’t deserve our love, Benny.” Turning around the tall man, your protector nods. “Dean needs to keep you for sure. He never had a nicer girl.”

----

“So…Benny and you warmed up?” Dean is looking at you while you try to feel comfortable in the fancy restaurant he invited you in for your third date.

“He scared me a little, but he seems to be nice. Benny told me how you met, well at least a few things.” You look around the restaurant, feeling the waitresses staring at you. “Why are these women keep on staring at me, Dean?” 

Leaning closer to you Dean chuckles before he takes your hand in his to kiss it softly. “They are not used seeing me with a girl here. This restaurant is reserved for the Winchesters family and very close friends, Sweetheart. According to the way the waitresses look at you they know you are someone special to me…”

Dean’s words make your heart flutter. “You never brought a girl here before?” There’s a smile all over Dean’s face when he shakes his head, squeezing your hand tightly. “Not a single time. I was restless for the last years, Blueberry Pie. I had affairs, flings but nothing serious. You are the first girl I can imagine marrying, Y/N.”

“Marry…” Choking on your water you look at Dean with wide eyes. He gives you his brightest smile, playing with your finger as the waitress approaches to bring you the ordered food. Dean is watching you glancing at the expensive food.

“Baby, you can eat it. It’s the best chicken parmesan in town, maybe even in whole Kansas.” Eyes softer than usual Dean looks at you, smirking when a little moan escapes your lips at the taste of the first bite. “Good?”

Nodding, you chew faster to answer Dean, but he starts eaten and you whine when he pulls his hand away to grab his fork. “I’ll touch you as much as you want to later…” 

“UH…I…” Clearing your throat you glance at the waitress offering Dean and you wine while you shake your head at the young woman. 

“Don’t be shy. Everyone in this establishment knows by now you are my girl.” Dean is teasing you once again, a soft smile on his lips. 

“Dean!”

“What?” Awkwardly filling your glass, the waitress looks at you, trying to find out why the infamous Dean Winchester is falling hard for someone plain as you. “Don’t say such a thing. She could feel uncomfortable…”

“Y/N, I’m pretty sure Suzie heard and saw worse things than a love confession while she pours us some wine.”

“But we can change the subject for a moment, and I tell you how Benny became one of my best friends.” Dean offers you a distraction from his shameless flirting, so you nod eagerly as his hand gently caresses yours for a moment.

“I knew you are friends…” Your eyes shine when he starts telling you Benny and his story. “Benny found his love, Andrea. He believed she’s in danger, but she was busy fucking his former boss. One of his old bosses’ men captured Benny right before he could attack ‘the old man’.” Dean’s eyes darken at the memory.

“Awful…” Covering your mouth with your hand you imagine the hurting Benny must’ve felt back then. “Exactly. Seeing the woman, you love, the one you almost lost your life for with your former boss…” Dean takes a deep breath before he shoves the thought away someone could touch you.

“I wouldn’t do such a thing…” Mumbling you glance at your food before you shove another spoonful into your mouth. “I know, Baby. You’re such a good girl…” Oddly Dean’s words go straight to your core and you lick your lips, earning yourself a dirty grin from Dean.

“Anyways…I heard someone yell while I was hiding behind a wall. I saw Andrea kicking Benny down the stairs, telling him he was never good enough. One of these bastards aimed a gun at Benny and I jumped out, telling them I will lose the bet if they let him go.”

“Bet?” Dean remembers you can’t know about ‘the ritual’, the bets or anything so he tries to explain what he means. “It’s a tradition the sons turning 21 try to steal something from a befriended family. Whoever wins will get the prize, in my case my favorite strip club.”

“You sacrificed your win for someone you didn’t even know, Dean. I know you believe you are a bad guy, but this shows me you can feel compassion.” Your food gets cold while you just look at each other before one of you breaks the silence. 

“You make me feel like a better man, Sweetheart. I want to be better for you.” Sighing Dean looks around the room, seeing the respect and partially fear in the guest’s eyes. “Family business is a part of my life, but I swear I will try to never get you involved in this kind of things. Castiel will be back in a few days and we will know if the gang is after you or not…”

Looking at your plate you know Dean wants to tell you that you can move back into your apartment, so you nod, blinking a few tears away. “Still I want you to stay with me. Don’t get me wrong, I like your style, but your apartment is way too small for a tall guy like me! I almost hit my knee in your bathroom when I tried to turn around.”

Chuckling you imagine Dean trying to find enough space in your tiny bathroom. “It’s not made for a tall man like you, with muscles and all. I’m way smaller and got no muscles…” Seeing the knowing look on Dean’s face you stop talking.

“I knew you checked me out, Y/N! My sweet, innocent girl is into checking her meat out!” Wiggling his eyebrows Dean stuffs another piece of food into his mouth, a never-fading grin on his lips. “Going to let you see all of my meat…”

“Dean!” Flustered you glance at the waitress looking at Dean, mouth agape as you feel the heat creeping into your cheeks and core…

----

Walking you toward your room, Dean has one arm slung around your waist, squeezing the flesh tightly. “That was a nice date…” He whispers in a lower voice than usual.

“Very nice…” In a blink, you are pressed against the wall and Dean’s lips are on yours. Tongue licking into your mouth, hands roaming your back he moans against your soft pillows. “Well, goodnight.”

“Good night…” Dean wants to turn to leave but you grab his hand, glancing up at the tall mobster slowly stealing your heart. “Do you really like me?”

“I don’t like you, Blueberry Pie…” Dean nips at your lips, breathing ‘I love you’ against you.

“We could not say goodnight right now…”

Dean’s eyes meet yours as he slings his arms around your waist while you do the same. Just standing there you let Dean kiss you again, humming against your lips when you move one hand to his butt, squeezing it harshly.

“Whoa, lady.” Chuckling at your boldness Dean sees the smirk all over your face. “I’m shy, not a virgin. I want you…”

[patheticwithanem]

2020 in Retrospect

Hey friend,

I know it’s late, but I HAVE TO DO THIS. I kind of promised myself I’m writing about the year that was. I’m not exactly sure why; maybe it’s to put things in perspective going in to 2021? And today’s my fourth year anniversary with my employer, so I guess it’s perfect timing? (More on that later)

So I was going through my notes (I have this habit of writing down what happens on a daily basis - be it activities, emotions, drama, name it) and one thing’s for sure. 2020 SUCKED. It did. But I’m committing to this no matter what!

First things first: lots of profanities along the way. Well actually, I was about halfway writing the letter when fucking Tumblr decided to refresh and delete what I’ve been writing for about one fucking hour now. So I have to fucking do it all over again. If this is the Lord telling me to stop being sentimental about 2020, fret not my Lord! I’m one stubborn son of a bitch, so I’m carrying on.

Here’s how the rest of the year unfolded. 2020. Let’s go.

JANUARY. Reunions?

January 1. Had a get-together with a few relatives in Malabon. It was fun! I used to be so allergic to family reunions but I guess age creeping in changes you? You value people even more now? This was also the last time we’re able to spend some time with my uncle from Singapore. He brought his family to spend the holidays here. He’s a sweetheart and a great father who’s missed.

January 9. I attended a college dormmate’s wedding. I remember contemplating whether to go or not only to realize I’m actually lucky to be even invited given the fact that I chose to be distant for them for a long while. I also told myself that not showing up is so far from what I’m trying to be. Although I wasn’t there for the whole thing, I’m glad I did come. I was able to bond with my roommates once again whom I treated like brothers ten years ago and that was nice. A not-so-close dormmate even introduced me to his boyfriend and that’s huuuuge. The bride was beautiful too, and I’m glad she’s in the best place right now after all she’s been through. She’s a strong one, that girl.

January 11. Got invited to a birthday pool party of a colleague at work. I have to say I’m actually quite surprised I was invited to this. She’s always had my back though and always kind of looked after me, so I had to go. It was fun but I didn’t get drunk AT ALL. 

January 12. AND THIS IS WHERE SHIT STARTED HAPPENING. The Taal Volcano erupted. It was awful especially for everyone living near the area because everything was covered with ash. It was also a day before my brother’s birthday and we thought the ashfall would be worse the next day so we decided to celebrate earlier. 

January 19. Went to a fiesta. Did not expect to survive that at all. It was a different kind of neighborhood, but the people were nice. 

January 25. Went to a public market with co-workers to buy clothes, eat chicken wings for dinner and then our regular fix of karaoke. Good times. 

Anything else? I was able to book a birthday trip to Yogyakarta, which I eventually canceled because of youknowwhat. Tragic.

February. Blindside!

February 7. Blindside’s a bitch. Yes, that’s what I had written on my notes. I legitimately felt blindsided. So story: I have a friend who I found out was pregnant (let’s call her Ms. Preggy, sorry) and me and her bestfriend (let’s call him Work Son because he was my work son in a lot of ways) decided to hold an intervention for her. The four of us including a friend I’m going to call The-Now-Bestie (kind of a spoiler) whom I had a misunderstanding and was not in speaking terms with will be coming to Work Son’s place. Essentially, the goal was to make Ms. Preggy open up about her pregnancy and her issues with the douchebag father; make her feel that she has us and she doesn’t need to be alone in this. I think it went well, in that regard. However, the whole thing was awkward in epic proportions. It’s as if me and The-Now-Bestie didn’t want to acknowledge each other’s existence, and when we didn’t have a choice, we were sarcastic to each other. I also really felt like an outsider among the four that time; like I wasn’t supposed to be there and wasn’t really contributing to anything. It was a really lonely feeling. I decided to distance myself to them after that.

February 13. WINNERS AT WAR PREMIERE! Words can’t even express how excited I was to see some of my heroes again on screen! Parvati with that “phoenix rising from the ashes” confessional? Damn, girl! Still a fucking legend! It was also nostalgic Yul working his godfather magic once again. I’ve always seen him as a top-tier winner and someone I looked up to for what he represented to the Asian community and the history of Survivor. It was also nice seeing Kim, Tyson, Tony, Sophie, Natalie and Sandra. But I must say I kind of missed Todd. He was my favorite winner and was a great storyteller, a great strategist and a great character with an amazing comeback story. He would’ve been perfect for a season with this caliber of players. And as much as I hate Jeff Probst for shoving him down our throats, I wanted to see Cochran play with these winners! Caramoan’s my first season (a late superfan, yes) and he’s the very reason I got so hooked with the show. I used to think it’s a game where people like me never win. So to see someone like Cochran who’s awkward in every sense of the word (and owning it) win Survivor, it is very inspiring. I like speaking in metaphors and it’s funny how much metaphorical Survivor can be to how I see life now. I see Cochran and if he can win in Survivor, I feel like I can win in life, as silly as that sounds. Cochran sucked his first season, but he then went on to play this dominant game his second try while still managing to be the adorkable underdog that he is. I love that story. Man, I get so worked up when I talk about Survivor! I wish I had that same passion with anything else.

February 19. Mom slipped and had to be rushed to the nearest ER. Good thing there were no fractures and she was fine. I guess we can thank the fats for that? LOL

February 21 ‘til 23. WEEKEND STAYCATION! I needed this! Drinking at the hotel taproom with a live band? YES! Indian for lunch and surf-and-turf buffet for dinner? YES YES YES! That lamb chops, MY LORD. Thank you.

February 29. Leap Day. I started journaling again. 

March. FUCKING COVID.

March 16. The Start of the Lockdown we all come to love now (punk, sarcasm). 

March 17. Politics is so taboo to discuss especially over dinner. But then BAM. I had a major fight with my dad (and by major, I mean MAJOR in a get-out-of-the-house-in-the-middle-of-the-pandemic kind of major). It was basically about a comment he made that’s so misogynistic (towards the Vice President) that I just knew I can’t just let go. It was sooo bad I got all pissed, and when I’m pissed, I can get scary. Maybe it’s the voice or the eyes or both, but the fight got really heated on the verge of getting physical. Which now that I think about it is stupid just because of fucking different political views. Well, I can never get behind the President and they’re huge fans of him and I’ve come to terms with that but it’s just... bleh. I’m not even gonna try to rationalize it because I can’t. It’s just.. disgusting. Oh fucking well. 

April. Wander-fucking-lust.

April 1. I started a 30-day Financial Detox which basically meant no unnecessary expenses. No online shopping, no paying for leisure. None. It was April Fools, but I was dead-set on saving! (Spoiler alert: I failed.)

April 6. Meltdown. I just really couldn’t hold it in anymore.

April 11. Dad’s birthday. After not talking for over a month (which is no easy feat in a tiny condominium unit), we acknowledged each other’s presence. By April 15, it’s like nothing happened anymore. He even gave me a home haircut (which for a beginner, is pretty good). On other news, I started watching The Politician on Netflix and t’was the day I started obsessing on Ben Platt and his music. 

April 16. A year ago, I was enjoying sidewalk pho and almost making friends at Cu Chi Tunnels and the Saigon Skydeck of the Bitexco Financial Tower in Ho Chi Minh. Damn, covid.

April 18. That crazy border-crossing from Saigon to Phnom Penh a year ago. That was fulfilling. Damn, covid.

April 19. A year ago, I was experiencing sunrise at Angkor Wat. Wander-fucking-lust UGH. 

April 30. That Town Hall shoutout from our company’s President because of reaching my quota from last month. That really felt good. As much as I hate to admit it, I like being validated from time to time. It definitely meant a lot especially coming from her who took a chance on me. I was patting my back.

MAY. Endure. Let Go. 

May 14. KING TONY WON. Very well-deserved win. A disappointment of a season if you ask me, but props to the king for dominating an all-winners season. Respect for that. Also Natalie and Michele played great games as well and they should be very proud of themselves. I feel like a proud father to these winners HAHAHA!

May 16. Was pleasantly surprised with Dead to Me. That car scene between Jen and Judy on that ninth episode from the second season? Damn. That’s one of the few moments I teared up because of a TV show. That was powerful. All that tension building up and then that sudden release? I really felt that.

May 26. Why do I always feel all this fucking rage inside of me? I try to think of any triggers but I can’t seem to find one that’s actually reasonable. It’s like the isolation getting the best of me. I initially thought quarantine’s going to be a cakewalk for an introvert like myself, but it wasn’t the case. I feel like I’m losing my shit because I was stripped off of the usual things I have access to whenever I feel uneasy and anxious and angry like this. Endure, let go, I know. But it’s so much easier said than done, right?

JUNE. Breathe.

June 12. So the plan to sell the condo and find a new place is real. We went to this great place in Valenzuela and it was a great house and all but I felt weird. Maybe I was having trouble letting go? Maybe it’s just me being averse to change yet again?

June 15. Slept 6am for that How To Get Away With Murder series finale. That speech. VIOLA. Chills all over my body. 

June 18. New phone was delivered. That was fast.

June 27. First time visiting the village we moved to. We were checking a different house this time and was already picturing us living there. Still felt weird, but maybe less.

Looking at it now, I realize almost nothing happened in this stretch of months. Pathetic.

JULY. Change (that’s not necessarily good lol)

July 3. The Anti-Terrorism Bill signed. FUCK THE CIRCUS THAT IS THE PHILIPPINE GOVERNMENT. 

July 10. Doomsday. The ABS-CBN renewal disapproved. FUCK THE CIRCUS THAT IS THE PHILIPPINE GOVERNMENT. Also, that first house we checked was bought this day. First heartbreak.

July 22. Decided to donate to one of my elementary teachers to help finance school supplies for his students in the province. That felt good. 

July 24. folklore’s goooood. This is the Taylor Swift sound that I love. (I had to write that down because that was a 2020 highlight to be honest)

AUGUST. Getting older. Again.

August 2. Donated to another cause: to help a really close friend’s mom (who’s a school principal) on financing their students’ lesson modules (they needed more paper so the donation was going to be used to buy more paper). That felt good.

August 3. Started obsessing on Dear Evan Hansen. I mean come on. HOW COME I ONLY KNEW OF THIS NOW?!?! The story, the acting, the soundtrack... it felt like I asked the Lord for a musical for me and he gave this on a silver platter. 

August 9. Lasagna, baked sushi, lechon belly, pansit, cake. Weird combination, I know, but that’s me!

August 11. Discovered the Slowly app. Changed my life since then! I’m not even exaggerating. I guess it has to do with feeling extremely lonely amid the pandemic and getting this platform where you can talk to literally anyone while still keeping your anonymity. And it strips you off of instant gratification you’re so used to because you actually have to wait for your letters to be sent and to arrive. A great exercise for patience if you ask me! And since you have to wait, you make your letters longer and more worthwhile. It’s a platform free of judgment which relies heavily on building actual mental and emotional connections. It’s a gift, truly. NOT EXAGGERATING; YES I’M THAT LONELY.

August 23. The house search continued. This time, the South!

August 24. It was my first time watching a Korean drama and I gotta say I get the hype now. Korea makes great stories and they take their time when telling these stories. The story centering about mental health was definitely what got me to try watching It’s Okay to Not Be Okay, but the show’s so much more than that. That was a great watch.

SEPTEMBER. Finally some light?

September 1. Second year anniversary. I still really miss her.

September 5. My cat’s 5th birthday! Of course we had to celebrate for her with baked macaroni and burnt cheesecake. 

September 11. Lost uncle. He gave a good fight. 

September 19. SENSE8. It’s a show that doesn’t need any explaining. It’s the BEST. I love this cast SO MUCH. I remember thinking if I ever get a tattoo (which is unlikely), I’ll maybe have the title of that Sense8 series finale inked on me. AMOR VINCIT OMNIA. Love conquers all. 

September 27. After a series of unfortunate events, we were led to this house on the same village we keep going back to, and the moment we saw it, we were sold. This is going to be our house. And it happened.

OCTOBER. Surprises?

October 6. Hooked up with someone I probably shouldn’t.

October 12. Booked a trip for next year because I’M HOPEFUL AS FUCK.

October 21. Had the best conversation I had in a long time. 

October 22. Hooked up with someone I probably shouldn’t. 

October 28. Organized a digital event for work. I’m still on the fence whether I’m proud of it or not. It was my first event, and I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. While I enjoyed all the preparation that came with it, from making that tactical marketing plan to coordinating with the organizers and my team, I felt like it was bland. There were lapses here and there and I know that we all tried the best we could, but maybe I just pictured it a little better in my mind? It wasn’t a flawless event and maybe I wanted it to be flawless. But it was fun. I never would’ve imagined me hosting an event, but I did. 

NOVEMBER. Decisions.

November 14. So news came and we’re finally moving. The buyer of the condo got approved and it was only a matter of weeks to settle documents and payment and we’re good to go. I had mixed feelings about it. It took me back to that time we started looking for houses. I wasn’t exactly ready to let go of the place I grew with for the past five years. And I wasn’t also ready to let go of the convenience, and the relationships I only have started building with friends I found along the way. But at that moment I knew I had to be happy because they were happy. My family was happy. I knew I have to be happy.

November 21. Started all the packing. Packing meant decluttering and reminiscing, so letting go of more things which was overwhelming at first, but inevitable. 

November 23. I had something checked in the hospital, and something happened and it wasn’t supposed to go that way but it did and it was so fucking bizarre lol

November 28. HAPPY MOVING DAY. It’s that day of the year. Stress was off the charts because of the time constraint and frankly, the lack of preparedness. Good thing a few people helped us with the rest of the packing. It was an impossible task for me and my sister alone so we were glad we got all the help we needed. I did most of the heavy lifting, so I had bruises all over my body for weeks, but after all was said and done, it felt surreal. Felt like everything coming full circle. That first night in the new home? I’ll never forget that. That was special.

December. The end of an era.

December 2. I went back to the condo to stay for a few more days. Get to feel the place one last time. Also lost a huge deal at work to a competitor. I usually really get depressed with these losses, but for some reason I felt indifferent about it. I guess it was my mind telling me I’ve mentally checked out of work already? That maybe it is really time to move on to something that’ll make me care about what I do again? Make me feel again?

December 4. Met someone (who we can call the Professor) I’ve been talking to for a while now. We’ve had some really great conversations leading to this night; talks at 3AM that’s kind of liberating? I was upfront about the moving and that I only have a few days left in the place which is probably why it happened. Professor was also upfront about leaving the country in a few months for an opportunity to work and do research in Japan for five fucking years. It was awkward at first; but we eventually warmed up to each other and spent the night together. 

December 5. Things escalated pretty quickly. The Professor gave me a shower (that was weird but I was feeling it and I thought it was sweet and sexy?). We cuddled until we slept and there was breakfast prepared when I woke up. I don’t usually get to experience this kind of stuff so I really appreciated that. I was feeling it. I thought I can get used to this! I left the place and was invited back again so I stayed over for another night. We’ve had a few more interesting conversations. I was not expecting some of the things we discussed especially the talk about long-distance relationships. The Professor asked me what I think about it and I was honest; I’m not against it but it’s not something I’ll take a chance on if I wasn’t sure about it. Mantra’s always been connection first before commitment. I’m not the “take a leap of faith” kind-of guy; I needed to be sure. Or at the very least be really mentally and emotionally connected with the person. I thought that made perfect sense. I still do.

December 6. So it was finally goodbye. Me and my sister went to the nearest church to donate a few clothes and shoes and to attend a mass. Bid farewell to the Professor too and promised each other to keep in touch. I also had an awkward encounter with my sister’s “friend” who she sneaked in the condo for God knows what for. Pretty sure they did the nasty.

December 13. We went to our old house (the one I spent my younger years in) to get a few stuff for the new house. I only really wanted to get my old bicycle because I want to be biking regularly for the next year. I want to take that fitness journey seriously! So I got the bike and I got to spend some time with some childhood friends. Good stuff.

December 15. A teammate resigned at work. The funny thing is he did it after getting that 13th month bonus HAHAHA! I can’t blame him though after learning about the salary he gets when he’s performing three functions in the team. That’s insane. But it really made me wonder: am I still in this for the long haul? Or do I move on too?

December 17. So I had my work desk and wardrobe delivered. Felt so nice buying things for my room! 

December 19. We got a new dog! Another French Bulldog. He’s pretty sweet. Someone’s not happy! (MY MOM)

December 22. And then this happened. We were supposed to meet after my dentist appointment (which I only used as an excuse to meet and I thought that was obvious) but the Professor never showed up. I waited for FIVE FREAKIN HOURS. I had like clothes with me because we agreed I sleepover but FUCK. Good thing a friend kept me company, but that was horrible. I thought YOU NEVER DO THAT TO ANYONE. I deserve better.

December 24. We had our house blessed. It was all super spontaneous; we invited a few friends and relatives over and had an intimate gathering. Mom got emotional (AGAIN).

December 27. So Ms. Preggy (from February - oooh that rhymed) had her son baptized. Since she lives a little father from the city, we decided to have a little staycation with some friends there too. The-Now-Bestie and Work Son was there, and we had beer and homecooked food and a slew of great conversations to cap off the year. 

Also December 27. I knew I needed to get something off my chest. And I just had to say it. 

“You’re so unfair. You shouldn’t have done that. Gave me false hopes. Gave me a “3-day trial period” only to disappear without any warning. Made promises you never intended to keep. You could’ve just told me you’re not interested anymore and I would’ve been fine with that but instead, you ghosted me. For the past few weeks since that weekend, it never seemed like you wanted to get to know me better. Or even just keep the communication going. It’s been one-sided and I wonder: has it always been this way? Maybe I’m remembering things differently. I told you I like you and I meant that. I’m still wrapping around my head why and how it happened to be honest. Maybe it’s that weekend? Maybe it’s the conversations leading up to when we first met? I don’t know. But things changed after that and I should ask you for an explanation but it’s really not the point. The point is I thought we can work something out and you hurt me. You may feel like you’re running out of time because of Japan but it’s no excuse to do that to anyone, really. You seem so sure about what you want so I hope you get whatever that is. Merry Christmas. Thanks for the memories.”

That was intense.

December 28. The Professor responded. “I apologize... I am getting attached... I had to “ponder on its implications to me in the long run”... I decided to slow down... It hurts... “That weekend that we met felt like I knew you before”... I am afraid... “You have no idea how hard it is to leave everything behind every 4-5 fucking years not because I wanted it but because I have to”... I still hope to continue whatever we have... “I will always remember you. Please don’t forget about me.”... YADA YADA YADA. 

I know. You know me. I try to empathize as much as possible. But I mean, come on. These are things I already know. It’s not what I needed to hear.

December 31. I needed to say something one last time. There’s already a lot of uncertainties in the world with COVID and life and everything else. I knew I needed answers; I want the binary. I want the black or white for this one. I’m not taking the gray with me next year. So I asked the following questions:

“What do you want from me? Do you want to be friends? Or we stick with occasional catching up on Viber every once in a while (because that’s what it sounds like to me)?”

“What do you want to get from your last two months here? What are you looking for? Just make the most “fun’? Or look for something that will stick?”

“Have you told me anything you really didn’t mean?”

“That one time we talked about long-distance, were you asking me?”

Fast forward to now: I never got the answer I needed. I guess this is one of those rare occasions where no answer is the answer. And after a few weeks of contemplating about it, I am leaving it behind in 2020. 

I’m actually at peace with that.

So there you have it. The suck-fest that is 2020. The first month of the new year wasn’t so bad. I feel this great energy. This year’s going to be different. I did tell you that this letter’s perfect timing. That’s because I’ve resigned and I’m moving on. A friend told me a while ago that he’s proud of me for finally taking action. The 2018 version of myself wouldn’t have done what I did and he was happy for me. I wanted a clean slate and I took it. That I was finally taking ownership of my life. 

I was elated. My friend usually spoils me with compliments and encouragement and my ever reliable negative self-image tend to disagree with him but for the first time in a very long time, it felt right. I’m not usually excited for New Years, but I guess I am?

I say bring it on, 2021.

Until then,

Patheticwithanem

[tslasvegas]

Episode 4: “I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty.” - Keegan

Dan and JAKE! A WORD IN MY OFFICE PLEASE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.

Wow! Today was A Day to say the least. I feel like boo boo the fool with how things went down today, but hopefully, I can recover from that now that there’s a new tribe. I’m excited to get to know new people, but sad to see my old alliances have to come to an end. I guess we’ll see what happens

Finally a swap and golly 5 OG Palazzo! I really hope this works in our favor. Kinda nervous for Joey and Stephanie tho because now they are in the minority of their tribe. I do hope they’ll find a way to survive till merge

LMFAO IM... watching the tribal council for the other tribe and I'm SORRY??? Who the fuck is Jake S he is the most condescending man I've ever seen in my entire life YIKES. Anyways this swap is nice.. I think I've got a good group, I really hope we win the next few immunities because I 1) really dont want to see Rachael on this tribe and 2) i want to try and rebuild my um. tattered relationships. I did the best I could in the challenge for tonight, I'll try to come back tomorrow a little more renewed cus I'm kinda wiped out from today's events. Now that my tribal council cherry has been popped for this Org its time to go crazy woop

So good not to check Luxor anymore! 

Well last tribal went fine, I got to see what was in the Prize Vault which is awesome; now I have a better idea of the twist. Big problem though- Our swap put me in the minority. I was running Luxor and had a core 4, now they have 5 OG Pink so they can pluck us off, one at a time. I went from drivers seat to getting driven over. We need to win the challenge, so I'm gonna go ham in winterbells and hope to pull it out.

We swapped! I think I made a confessional already, but honestly I don't remember. I gave Livingston some of my chips so he can go visit the vault after the immunity challenge. We'll see what is in there and for how much, and maybe snatch up some real nice items to help us out. I've also got Andrew on my side, which is great and he's apparently quite tight with Pat, which is fantastic. Mo is a pretty decent dude and I've been talking with Jake a lot today. Things are going alright. I just hope we can win this challenge. 

Phew, while the swap was not ideal. I was really liking my tribe, we were kind of quiet but individually everyone was great and we also kicked butt at challenges! Anyway, the swap with numbers wise not great, but I know Xavi from a previous game and we have a solid relationship, I hope he and John and Joey and myself can build a solid squad to make it to the merge. The challenge was rough tbh, I am not great at video games, but I think I did ok... Jaiden got like 20 trillion points on a game so really I have no idea how I did. Hoping for the best!

I am losing my mind in my personal life so I am sorry that I have been mia. I appreciate the patience from the hosts and my tribe. It makes me still want to play even though I've been kinda invisible. I'm aware of that. I'll fix it. I promise. Otherwise, its been pretty good as a tribe so far. Andrew, Pat, and NIk and i are all really close from other games, so we're good and Andrew and Pat and I are together, which is just really unfair if you ask me. I can't wait to start scheming!

Uhhhhhh.................................... anyways........ yall hear somethin? Oh I hear something. It's the sound of Joey literally blowing himself up to me hardcore!!!! The narcissism and arrogance really jumped out on this one. So Joey had the idea of calling tonight to go over some stuff and honestly out of the 2 hours we spent, I think about 45-60 mins of it was rather nice and I do feel that I enjoy his presence, but omg... his desire for control is so noticeable and its kinda gross. Joey and I debriefed on what went down on Bellagio and I totally understand why there was the difference in us discussing tribe dynamics - I had to give up all my info while he kinda kept things more reserved. I want to assume this is because of the fact that I went to tribal and he hasn't until now. I won't judge him for that. However, after this he's kinda like dictating the fact that an OG Bellagio needs to go home. Ben is the easier person to throw under the bus since he didn't even bother to do the challenge/let us know what's up. Not a big fan of that, but aight. Then Joey starts suggesting we vote out Kailyn...?? Uh... not on my watch. I have to make it up to Kailyn at least a little bit so even though she's probably got a loaded gun pointed at my head rn, I want to defuse the situation rather than start throwing her out there as a potential target. Even if it isn't coming from me, I'm not here for that. The information that Joey did give up to me relates to the chips in the game. I've never paid much attention to the chips, but I guess it takes 10 to get into the vault and Joey's got between 11 and 15 (he changed his answer on the subject SEVERAL times). He says there are three idols worth 40 chips each, then a super idol worth I think 50 or 60 (can't remember). On top of that, there are nullifiers, vote advantages, and a legacy advantage, too. He seems fixated on the legacy advantage and really wants the chips to get it. Like.. ok do you but we NEED the super idol?? Does he not realize that thing has more power than anything else in the vault combined..? ANYWAYS. What really started to turn me off about Joey is that there was this sudden expectation that I'd be giving him all of my chips thus far. I don't care about them to begin with but knowing what I know now, it doesn't make sense for me to give him my stash just to fuel his hunt for... a measly legacy advantage... I put myself in a compromising position. I told him that once a host gets back to me on my exact total, I'd be willing to trade him my chips for I guess an allyship going forward. I mean that. I want to work with Joey at least through this vote, but I can't guarantee that it'll go much further than that. He is a very risky person for my game right now because if he's coming off this strong to everybody, it's only going to hurt me by association to stick with him longer than a vote or two. However, I'm going to try and divert the attention and just be like, maybe we need to use my five as a bartering piece for new allies at this point. I want to try and build meaningful partnerships right now, especially since that was the only reason I wanted to make it to the merge.. Rebuilding is crucial as well. Kailyn and possibly Nik/Rachael are not going to be fond of me once we all have "the talk" about last tribal. I put myself in an even more compromising position with them, but I'll find my way out of that mess. I think........ As far as this tribe goes, I think between Joey's WILD imagination/constant over-analyzing and the lack of direction this tribe has taken so far.. I'm doing okay. Nobody is really standing out besides Joey and I guess myself in a way, so if I keep him around it MIGHT even shrink my own target little by little - unless people find out we're together then FUK. 

......five seconds later

In terms of my other relationships right now, I love John Coffey but this is old news, I've been in love with this man since like 2016 and it's fine - totally fine - just fangirling a bit rn since I get to spend more time with him!! woohoo. Xavier and Stephanie are straight up non-entities which makes me SO scared of them especially since Stephanie's won an ORG before... how can someone be so irrelevant yet still win something? Hmm... Makes me think that she's secretly a ninja, you never even see her around. Nik has grown more and more quiet as the days go along and I wonder what's goin' on with that. Maybe they've decided since Biden won the election that moving to New Zealand is a bad idea? Lmfao. I dunno. Nik stresses me the hell out because I have no idea what they're thinking at any point in time even in the off-chance that we are talking. I think I might just have a personality they don't mesh with because I noticed on call forever ago that none of my jokes were particularly landing but Nik had a lot to say and a LOT to joke about there... rip. If it's a personality conflict - go off, I guess. I'll try on a couple different hats w this person to try and see if I can get things to go better than they have been. Kailyn.. like I said before, pretty sure she's after me but I am really trying to sell it to her that I like her a lot, because I do. I literally compare her to my best friend irl because they have very similar attributes and I consider Kailyn kinda messy but fun and quirky like my BFF so I hope that Kailyn did truly appreciate me making that comparison. Ben's inability to do this challenge is going to be his undoing. I think the only acceptable move is to vote him off this time because I HAVE to prove to Kailyn that I can stay the course, and I also need to whittle down Bellagio numbers to prevent people from targeting us and having everything go to shit that way. Let Joey control this, please dear god. Don't let me get blood on my hands. Let Rachael integrate herself well on this tribe. Let someone else blow themselves up in the process. Just not me plz and thanks. There is no fear in my soul tonight. Joey might be a fucking crackhead but so am I. I'm breaking down walls that I didn't think existed but Joey basically told me tonight that he thought I was confrontational, rude, chaotic, and all these other things but was impressed at how calm, optimistic, and outgoing I was. Love to hear it. He might think he overestimated me but he was right about the initial impressions... too bad he won't be around long enough to see that side of me :~) 

FIRSTLY, DeNara was robbed. Okay so I already wrote this a while ago in my host chat about how the fact jake and dan are praying for my downfall because after the swap i am the only og bellagio on a tribe with 5 palazzo and 2 luxor. so after I slowly blinked at my screen for a bit I was like okay how do we survive this if I go to tribal. Because I’m under the impression tribes are gonna stick together especially going into merge but since Luxor is already down so many members it’s kinda Bellagio Vs. Palazzo. but then I was like okay wait I’m the only member of bellagio on this tribe after coming from a tribal so I’m the only one who can say what happened and I can create what narrative I want to help me get through the next couple rounds. Because if I was like oh blah blah I was in majority im so fucked then of course they’re gonna target me to get me out. But if I play the victim card and milk the fact that I voted in the minority acting like I hate my og tribe maybe they’ll think to use me as a pawn. To take down others moving forward. Listen if I have to be labeled a goat to move forward then BAA bitch.

.....five seconds later

Things are going good, because not only am no longer in danger this round but that means Rachael is going to the enemy tribe which if she came to our tribe that might’ve disrupted the narrative I had going of me being against og bellagio. Also DeNara should still be here, don’t think I didn’t clock the fact that Ben scored a 0. I also found out from Andrew that Rachael and Ben are apart of the same Tengaged group which explains why Rachael was so set on Ben staying but like, listen, if I end up in a game with someone I’m friends with, and they’re not active and helping the tribe. Good riddance.

What the. We lost yet again. I have lost everything since the start of the game. It's crazy. There are 4 from Bellagio, 2 Palazzo and 2 Luxor. 2+2 seems like an obvious plan, but it looks like it is falling apart already (read: Joey). Sucks to be across the world, so instead of scheming, I'll be sleeping.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. is the same as I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty. 

The swap did happen. Expected it. Glad we won this first challenge in this new tribe tho in worried for Stephanie and Joey

Vault Shenanigans - Holy shit I did not expect this to be as powerful as it is. I was preparing myself for some sort of payment based search system, but being able to straight up buy the items I want, but its also the same for other people. I had a misconception at how generous the wheel was so I'm probably behind some people with the amount of chips, but I could very well start scooping up some of the steal votes and just say "see ya" to the idols, although getting a super idol would be very wild, it still seems risky to hold out that long to get it, even though there's a great amount of power associated with it. The other issue with a super idol is that I think that its very likely that if I get into a position where I need to use it, that I lose a lot of respect with the jury if it does happen. The only benefit from actually having it would be that I no longer have to worry about someone else whipping it out, so it'd be less for me wanting it, but more for others not having it. As of now, I think my optimal play is to hold on to my chips until around ~40, and then buy both vote steals at once, OR go all out for the super if someone has already bought an idol by that point, because I would be operating under the assumption that the frontrunner is already out of the running. Tribe Swap Shenanigans - This is a hell of a tribe swap. 5-2-1 is always a great spot to be in, I am already good within the 5 that I have so I don't have to worry about anything there, it should be relatively smooth sailing as far as getting to the merge. Mo/Jake are alright so far, neither particularly speak too much. Kevin has not reached out at all, probably will try to talk to him tonight for general purposes, even if he seems like he'd be an easy one to get out first should we go to tribal the next time. But generally I really don't plan on losing so it's kind of a wash. I'll take the smooth sailing, easy path to merge. Premerge is never as relevant as merge is when it comes to FTC as long as you have something to show for yourself at the merge. I've got all game to make my presence known, and I plan on using the entirety of the game to do so.

I feel super anxious today because even though I had a great conversation and built a good connection to Joey, there hasn't been any talk about the vote quite yet. I mean obviously names have rolled out but nothing solid is out there still, I think I just need to let go of the urgency for a name to start being spread early on and just let things be. Stephanie and I have been chatting a bit here and there today so I feel more comfortable with her and hopefully she sees things from a similar perspective as everyone else - the Bellagio foursome needs to get broken up right now. As long as it's not my name of course!!!!! Plz vote Ben @everyone. Or Kailyn tbh save me a little bit of trouble now. Talking to Xavier is SO HARD LMAO. He doesn't immediately contribute information into a conversation and as bad as I wanna get rid of Ben, I almost..almost think going for Xavier is the smarter move, since Xavier doesn't seem too motivated to actually get to know ME and work with me. I'm selfish that way. Kailyn doesn't seem like she wants to do Ben which is a little frustrating but I totally get it, if Ben stays he's going to go after her hardcore but like she needs to actually pitch me an alternative lmfao. I don't wanna go bending over backwards just to appease her right now so if she doesn't gimme a name.. sorry sis but then I think it's gonna be Joey's call on this one :/

I am being very cautious now. The 4 of us (me, John, Joey and Steph) are going to vote together. Now Jaiden wants to vote Nik. And Kailyn wants to vote Ben. Why can't we just agree on one?! And it always has to go down to the wire. Stick together, people!

I think I am possibly leading the charge against Nik rn?? Joey told me he wanted Ben and then I told him I wanted Nik and now he wants Nik LOL take that Stephen 

Okay well I have no idea what's going to happen tonight, but I'm going into tribal not afraid of the vote I am probably going to have to make ... I think the best move is to just vote for Nik and be done with it, but it's going to cause a serious rift in a lot of my relationships if I do so. I've been super wishy-washy to a lot of people I think and right now it doesn't make sense to continuously do one thing when I mean another.. especially since there seems to be zero ground to move upon when it comes to getting the vote to turn from Nik to Ben. Nik doesn't even SEEM ACTIVE?? Why are we making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Ben can't just walk around deciding what's going on and I think Kailyn would prefer to keep Nik around rather than Ben but it's like... so push for Ben to be the target hun! She's feeding into someone else's move no matter what she does, it's either Ben's agenda or John's agenda. Pick a side, but pick the side I'm on, too. Why don't we just vote for Kailyn tbh. lmao

[mandimormon-blog]

Edifice Dignified

Holy wow.   Can we all just get along now?   It’s very clear some people really like our new President and others really do not.   We’ve heard you all, loud and clear.  I’m afraid it’s creating a divide.  

In fact, on the way to school a few days ago, our children sat in the backseat < the usual.   We overheard on two opposite sides of the cab, a conversation between my oldest and youngest that consisted of, “No, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it’s not.”

“YES, it is!”

“NO, It’s not!”

My husband glanced over at me and said it sounds a lot like Facebook back there.  I couldn’t help but chuckle.   Honest.

It’s Tuesday, and there isn’t a significant reason for posting a blog on a Tuesday except for the fact I haven’t had time on Sunday or Monday.  So, Tuesday wins.  We are rounding out January 2017.

We just finished up a busy weekend.  My five year-old son, Jude, participated in his first ever baseball clinic.  He’s been uninterested for years but like I said before, my husband swayed his decision and he’s in love.  He, who ?  Both of them.  Allen texted me from observing our son play and told me this was the greatest day of his life.   He has also clarified this baseball thing was a daddy-son deal, not for momma, and honestly, I’m 100% okay with that.  I think.

While Jude was balling, Reis and Remi were cheering at cheer clinic.  Needless to say it was a busy day and that wasn’t all.  While they were cheering I was getting my sweat on and I don’t mean like a little bit of perspiration, my nose was dripping sweat drops at Kettlebell Tabata, which I’m convinced is the best workout on earth.   After watching a brief preview of cheer clinic, I hightailed across town to attend a Cheesecake and Canvas, a fundraiser for the nursery school, with my cousin.  It was a great time!  

Backing up to Friday, I had the opportunity to go into Jude’s class and assist making completely edible Gingerbread Houses.  No glue, my friends, just caramelized sugar to adhere the pieces together.  The Kindergarteners did a marvelous job of assembling and decorating the mini-houses.  

You know, I really did think Spring was at the doorstep, last week, then boom.   It was freezing, again.   On date night, my husband and I went to dinner and after we were done eating before going to Champaign to see Hidden Figures, I changed into a base layer and sweats with a sweatshirt, because I wasn’t going to freeze my tail off.   I was through with my chattering teeth and clinching my abs.  I was all about warmth.  I sat a downed a bag, entirely, of sweet potato chips (because they’re Autoimmune Paleo) and because I’m excessive.  Then I concluded that probably wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had.  I’d add I won’t make that mistake, again, but I can’t say that confidently.

 Today, I’ve been rolling cake balls for my mother’s birthday.   The smell of cake is lingering in my house and each time I washed my hands I gloried over how wonderful they must taste because of their smell.  

Good news, though. Reintroduction on AIP is coming at the end of the week, and I can finally have… drumroll, please… egg yolks, nut oils, and seed-based spices, and I need at least three days in between each introduction to assure there isn’t a reaction.   Ehhh, slowly, but surely.

And it’s Wednesday. Wow.  Still no post but I do have to share some amazing news.  It’s hard for me to admit it (mostly because I want to avoid being lynched for this) but I’ve always been a poor recycler.  I do a good job of recycling veggies and fruits (to compost); recycling clothes (by donation); upcycling (on rare, very rare occasion); but paper, plastic, cardboard, ehhh.. I could do SO much better. But thanks to my wonderful husband, he’s purchased a separate trash can for recycling and we have now designated our back trash can for recycling and our front trash can for non-recyclables. By back trash can I mean, my kitchen cabinet came with a drawer and two cans inside of it.  I mean, honestly the convenience was there all along.  I’ve been taking pride in rinsing out my plastics and placing them into our “recycling bin”.  I’d OCD with my waste baskets anyway, sure we get sloppy sometimes and particles get in the bottom then they need sterilization.  That’s one of my household chores, removing the smelly garbage smell from the cans. Yuck-o.  I did find that one of our cans now has a temporary Minion tattoo on the bottom-inside of it, as I was rinsing with warm water, actually aiding that tattoo to stick.  I haven’t had time to reach my arm down in there and scrap it out.  I said it can stay until the next washing.  

I’ve also been on a massive house-purge, again.   This happens frequently when you live in a cottage.  It also happens when you can’t find something of importance, twice.  I feel like I’ve written this before, but my mom gave me some great advice to never carry around my social security card with me.  So, of course, I put that social security card in a “safe place”.  I don’t know where that “safe place” was.  It’s still a mystery.  As I went through five totes of organized paperwork in our upstairs closet I realized that my children probably don’t need every worksheet they’ve ever done in 2nd grade or preschool, but I should probably just cling to the most important, artistic or creative writing ones.  In fact, I considered googling, “Which schoolwork should I keep so my children don’t hate me when they become adults?”

Instead on my purge-ney (purge-journey), I got sidetracked on how to organize birthday cards and photographs, questioned the need to save birthday cards from every birthday, and then I decided I was unprepared to cope with throwing memories away.  So, I left three totes outside of the closet with one bag of donations and one back of recycling.  Tomorrow is game on, closet.  Purgeney 2017 is coming for you.

Well, it’s now Saturday.  What you’ve read thus far was written a few days ago but remained title-less until today.  Remi and I just got home from Kettlebell Tabata and we’re ready to embark on many adventures today.  A basketball game she’s cheering during, two birthday parties for Reis, a daddy-daughter date for Remi, and Jude is stuck with me.  ;-D

My children love electronic devices.  So much so, that we really need to place some limitations.  It’s getting excessive.  A fun part is they’ll randomly text my cell phone or someone else’s cell phone (like Gram’s) from the iPad, spontaneously.  Usually sending 47 emoji’s, 11 times in a row, with no rhyme or reason.  Thank goodness for my unlimited data plan.  Occasionally, Jude will press the predicted words at the top of the smartphone text box and real words will come through with no meaning.  Other times, just letters.  However, a few days ago, “Edifice Dignified” came through and I wondered what kind of riddle this was coming from my husband.  Jude didn’t accompany that message with any emojis or an additional 35 text messages.  Later I figured out it was him.  

Ah, 2017, such a different time.  When I was a middleschooler circa 1999, AOL Instant Messenger became “a thing”.  I would chat for hours on end with my friends.  I guess it’s similar with iPods except there wasn’t Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, or any photos on the other end.  Only words.  Only words and abbreviations like: lol, brb, prw, cu l8er < wow.  Sometimes we’d group chat.  We all had screen names, too, we didn’t even go by our real names.  The evolution of social media is pretty nifty.  Going back a little further, my parents purchased our first desktop computer around 1993.  It was a Macintosh, with a ginormous monitor and the disk drive and CD-ROM ports were built into that huge monitor.  There was a big tower (which I think still exist,  I’ve had laptops for the past 10 years), and a keyboard.  I could play Minesweeper, Solitaire, and any other games which were purchased in a huge box from an electronic store.  This was back around the time when Oregon Trail was still trending.  I recall in Kindergarten having my first computer exposure to a small screen and huge keyboard box with a floppy drive.  It was the Apple II E.  

It floors me how my children can pick up on games or programs so quickly. Jude downloaded a game similar to Minecraft and he goes to town, building and creating with his imagination.  He builds secret passageways under homes and puts in gardens and pools and builds structures.  It’s pretty incredible.  But from the tools he’s provided, on the side of the screen, there is no way I’d be able to figure out how to do anything!  I mean maybe after awhile.  

Just the other day, after Family Home Evening, I mean we’re talking a few minutes after, he’d already built a temple on his app.  Incredible.  

[junker-town]

When exactly did you become a fan of your college football team?

Here are a bunch of fun stories. Give us yours!

SB Nation has a cool series right now: each of our team sites discussing the origins of fandom. I wanted to share a few of the best from our college team blogs, though there are many other good ones. (To join in and enter a contest, find your school's blog.)

College fandom often goes deeper than the pro kind, whether due to regional history or alumni status or family ties, and a lot of these stories stand out as pretty unique.

Like becoming a Texas fan because your mom was into Russell Crowe's rock band:

Mom decided to visit Austin in 2001 to see TOFOG and re-connect with a friend from graduate school.

I was looking at at a handful of schools at that time — Montana, Montana State, CU-Boulder, a liberal arts college in Minneapolis, and Indiana as a back up. I wasn’t really sold on any of them and basically eliminated the school in Minnesota because I made the smart choice of visiting it in December.

Mom and her friend decided I should visit Austin, so I did in October of 2001.

Or finding UCLA by way of the New York Yankees:

In the late 70s, it was all about the Yanks, no matter how much you Dodger fans hated it. My guys on those Yankee teams were catcher Thurman Munson and first baseman Chris Chambliss, who kickstarted the Yankee dynasty of that era with a walk-off home run in the 1976 American League Championship Series to send the Yankees to the World Series.

It would be years later that I came to know that Chambliss had played his college baseball at UCLA.

My next step towards the Bruins probably didn’t come until the late '80s when Troy Aikman faced off against Rodney Peete.

Or finding Penn State because the Browns pulled a Browns:

On Nov. 9, 1993, the Browns made a shocking move by releasing Bernie Kosar, a hometown hero whom every kid (and many adults) in my region idolized. He was the ultimate underdog, a slow-footed quarterback with awkward mechanics. Kosar was able to use his understanding of the game to become one of the NFL’s top quarterbacks throughout the late ‘80s and into the ‘90s.

I was too heartbroken to cheer for the Browns for the remainder of the season. I followed Kosar to the Cowboys and cheered as he filled in to lead them to an NFC Championship victory by filling in for an injured Troy Aikman and took the field for the final play in Super Bowl XXVIII.

I was determined not to cheer for the Browns again until Art Modell had sold the team and Bill Belichick was long gone from Cleveland, and decided to pay more attention to college football and my adopted team of Penn State.

Well, let’s just say my timing couldn’t have been better. As you know, the Nittany Lions went undefeated behind one of the most electrifying offenses in the history of college football, led by the likes of Kerry Collins, Ki-Jana Carter, Kyle Brady and Bobby Engram.

Or becoming a Sooner immediately after immigrating from India:

When my family made the move from India decades ago, we first settled in the great town of Norman, Oklahoma, where my uncle’s family who’d sponsored ours for immigration had been living. My uncle, a professor and administrator at OU through the 1980s and ‘90s, gets most of the credit for teaching me about American sports, and my two older U.S.-born cousins get the rest. Truth be told, the first football game I remember was Notre Dame taking on West Virginia. My attention was fixated on the Irish’s helmets.

Forgive me, for I was only six and had never before seen the crazy game of football. (I will mention, however, I was a pretty damn good cricketer.)

My fickle infatuation didn’t last long, and the colors of the Crimson & Cream took over. I remember my cousin, Vijay, would fill me in on all things OU daily, and I’d eat up that knowledge. About a month into my indoctrination, I knew all about Coach Switzer, the wishbone, Mookie Blaylock and the Kansas Jayhawks, who had robbed the Sooners of the 1988 basketball crown and were the epitome of evil.

Or getting the full brunt of Oklahoma State pain right up front:

On October 30, 2004, I cried like the nine-year-old I was. Since the first home game I’d attended nearly a year before, I'd developed a passion for Oklahoma State. What happened on October 30, 2004?

Adrian Peterson happened.

It was another classic Bedlam. Back-and-forth, and neither team could stop the other. Peterson had 249 yards on 33 carries, and rattled off an 80-yard touchdown run that all of us remember.

A Vernand Morency touchdown with 11 minutes left cut the second-ranked OU lead to 38-35. The momentum swung toward OSU, and it felt like if the Cowboys could just score one more time, they’d steal a Bedlam win.

With ten seconds left, OSU set up Jason Ricks for a 49-yard field goal from the left hash.

Good snap. Good hold. Wide right.

From our seats, I thought it went in. I went ballistic. I then looked at my dad and saw the horror on his face.

Or becoming a Louisville fan at an even younger age:

I can't tell you when precisely when I "decided" to become a Louisville fan. All I know is there are tapes of me asking which team is "the good guys" very soon after the time I learned to talk. All I know is there are videos of me in a U of L basketball uniform performing mock starting lineups at an age where psychologists say I couldn't form conscious memories. All I know is that for as long as I can recall, Cardinal sports have been something that I've cared about far more than I care about most things.

Or being literally born into fandom:

Following a discharge as a Major, this family put in roots in South Jordan, Utah. Partially due to the chance to go to BYU sports.

Early in the 3rd quarter, Steve Young threw a dart to Mike Eddo for a 24-yard TD, and a Lee Johnson PAT put BYU up 42-7 against the Bowling Green Falcons.

It was around this moment when I pulled my best Lee Johnson imitation — in my mother’s uterus. That’s right. My mom not only went to a football game while she was 9 months pregnant, she also went into labor.

Or finding rivalry while in the middle of making your college decision:

In February of 2008, I visited the University of Oregon for the first time. By the time I completed the tour, I knew this place was special. I just felt like I was at home, especially because I am a runner, and how could I turn down a town with running at its core?

On the way back up to the airport, we stopped at Oregon State for a visit. As soon as I heard they didn't offer a journalism program, I popped the trunk and pulled out my Ducks sweatshirt I’d just acquired and tossed it on while still on campus.

I also visited Washington State and loved the campus. What crossed it off the list was when someone on the campus tour asked what people do for fun in Pullman. Well, they can't be honest and say drink heavily, so they pointed us to Moscow, Idaho, where I think there was a Walmart and maybe an IHOP.

(Our Washington State fans are over here.)

Or having one of those geographically disparate piles of fandoms that mark a person as being from a time, rather than a place:

I got into sports when I was five, and I was five in 1995, and the Gators were great at football then. I would be up early for school every morning, and started reading the sports pages of the Orlando Sentinel daily and watching SportsCenter almost as often, falling for the Gators and Atlanta Braves and Green Bay Packers and Orlando Magic because they were all prominent and potent.

I was a bandwagoner, but we who are fans all are bandwagoners at least once, whether we jump on the back of the wagon, or are placed on it by parents, or amble up onto it as children who would have no use for the word “bandwagon” in the first place.

Or the greatest fandom explanation of them all: picking a lifelong allegiance just to troll your friends:

I followed the best players and tuned into whatever the prime games on ESPN and ABC were. That is until I got sick of my friend and his borderline obsession with [Iowa State QB] Seneca Wallace. I’m not embellishing when I tell you that at the peak of this love affair, he owned three Seneca Wallace jerseys and had them in a rotation. To top that, when Wallace made it to the league, my friend would trade him to whichever team he used to play me in Madden.

So, I did what all of us would do to their friend… I started rooting for his favorite player’s rival, just to bust his huevos.

Now, I didn’t know anything about Iowa to start. I thought their jerseys were some of the cleanest in college football. But that was about it. As I started watching more intently, it didn’t take long for me to get hooked.

I was raised a fourth-generation Georgia Tech fan in Atlanta. My first sports memory is a Clemson fan roaring in my face when I was three. The first sports thing I cared about was the Yellow Jackets' 1990 national title season. I assumed things would stay good forever, so I became a Falcons and Hawks fan too. Things didn't stay good.

I went to Kennesaw State, a little north of Atlanta, but mostly rooted for Tech until KSU's 2010 announcement that we were starting an FCS team. I'd never identified with Tech's fans, because I'm not smart and because Jackets aren't used to embracing sidewalk alumni, so transferring all my emotions was easier than it sounds.

Otherwise, in my job covering college football full-time since that season, I think I just root for whatever would make the most people happy at the time. Clemson winning a good title game made people pretty happy.

Tip on over to your school’s blog to share your own story.