cat-downthestreet · 11 months ago
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People always say Shadow's backstory is sad, but I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk about it in depth.
Maria wasn't just Shadow's only friend. She had a fatal illness that couldn't be cured by any natural means, so her grandfather resorted to experimentation to find a cure. Eventually, Shadow was created, whose immortality was meant to be the key to Maria's recovery.
He was created to save her.
But she was killed because she tried to save Shadow from G.U.N. after he was deemed "too dangerous" by the organization to live. Think about that from Shadow's perspective. His only friend, killed because he was created to be a living weapon. Because he was friends with her, and she wanted to save him from G.U.N.
In his mind, Shadow is the reason why his only friend, his purpose, is gone.
After that, all he had left was the second reason for his creation. His status as a living weapon.
What do you think it's like to have only two purposes, one of which is Maria, and the other is why she's gone?
What's left for you at that point but to destroy everything, just like your creator intended?
Shadow blames humanity for Maria's death- it's another part of why he tried to destroy the world- but above all else, he blames himself.
In the end, Shadow is a broken man.
He believes himself to be unable to form connections with anyone; the last time he did, she was killed. He doesn't want to lose another friend, but he's also afraid he'll be the cause if it happens again. He knows he is built to destroy, and he's resigned himself to that purpose. It's all he has left after Maria died.
The reality of it is, Shadow hates himself.
And he has yet to let anyone close enough to help him. He runs away from friendship and teamwork both to protect himself and others from losing another person. He can't let anyone else die because he can't handle the guilt he already feels from the last time it happened.
That... has to be the worst feeling imaginable.
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skunkes · 5 months ago
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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callixton · 10 months ago
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oh i am on the Brink of a mental breakdown. and like a real one. i am going to feel so so fucking terrible and guilty if i don’t go to the first week of mac rehearsal bc i need to recover but i am also getting the sense that i Need to recover. i have never been this burnt out or genuinely terrified of starting a new semester in my life.
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wyrcan · 1 month ago
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i need everyone to know that ness (@causenessus) is the kindest person alive. she’s sweet and heartwarming and she makes you cry but in the best way possible
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carbonbasedmatter · 6 months ago
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they should give you a minimum 20 years after coming back from school to rest and process everything that happened
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thehallstara · 1 year ago
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i just like. wish ppl would realize how bad things are for most diaspora jews atm and like. take that into account wrt how they talk abt stuff
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yourcomputerr · 7 months ago
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there is some weird as fuck noise happening outside girl its nearly 4am can we please not
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steakout-05 · 8 months ago
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eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P
additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly
#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it#and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website#as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people-#-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were-#-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered#also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it#this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone-#-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious#i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :(#i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles#it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on-#-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help.#unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that-#-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also-#-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes-#-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything''#and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think-#-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me''#and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point#be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying#and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child.#be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo#if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows-#-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like#trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you#social anxiety#anxiety disorder#i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11-#-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me#anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y
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vaguelyhumanshaped · 1 year ago
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Dear (Sir or Madam,)
After (careful) consideration,
We (regret) to inform you that you have not been (selected,)
We have decided to (pursue other candidates,)
We carefully regret your application,
(Honestly, you should have known,)
We regret (your decision,)
(You chose this life, no?)
(Why did you fail again?)
(The fear? The anxiety? The dread?)
(You dared to deign yourself worthy?)
(You decided to not plan ahead,)
(You were never able to plan ahead)
(You didn't plan to live past 12)
(Your career was a stillborn)
(It was never gonna hatch)
We have decided to leave you,
No paths, no forwards, no advance
Do not pass go, you will receive nothing,
You never put effort to anything,
We regret (you,)
(Were you not informed that you'll never be enough?)
(Careful, dear.)
(You can't fall from the sky icarus,)
(Your father never had the time to build the wings for either of you,)
(Never had the tools, the knowledge,)
(By your lazy, overworked hands, you are condemned,)
(By your ragged breath, the sweat filled brow, and the dirt under your nails,)
(By the rough in your gut, the grit under your tongue, and the grease in your veins,)
(You are to be your own minotaur,)
(Trapped, cannibalistic, vile)
(You can rot yourself away,)
(Pursuing anything that crosses your path,)
(Chewing through lives that could've been yours,)
(Hoping for answers in the marrow of their bones)
Dear(est),
(That wasn't a very good choice, was it?)
We do hope you understand.
Regards,
(A life not made for you)
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me: i love everyone and I love hearing about different cultures and traditions and eating and sharing stuff!
Racist fuckers from the year 1900: you are the worst person ever I hope you die and (insert string of slurs) fuck your whore mother.
Me: w H A T
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flamagenitus · 2 years ago
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I killed a bird today. It flew in front of me while I was driving, and I didn't have time to stop. I saw feathers blown about in the rearview mirror.
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nomaishuttle · 1 year ago
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im always like wistfully sighing one day i will live with somebody who loves me and we'll cook together and itll be so romantic and then i remember when i was a kid and my mom would force me to let my sibling help me bake and id get so mad that i considered fratricide
#in my head cooking is a very nice calming thing however every time i Actually cook its like a fucking battlefield its genuinely dire#its entirely my fault bc i always turn the heat up so high and then i get stressed bc im like ITS COOKING TOO FAST ITS BURNING AND THE#MIDDLE ISNT EVEN COOKED and its like . yeah man bc you have the heat full blastt 😭😭but if i have it low im like This is taking too long.#even worse if im cooking a dish/meal that has multiple components and i need 2 be prepping one thing while another thing is cooking#and they all have different cook times so i have to make sure they all get done around the same time. it does make me cry a lot#one day. i will have my own house where i feel safe and i can cook and learn how 2 cook in a way that doesnt make me burst into tears#one time. evil. at home i was just gonna make myself pancakes 4 dinner and then my entire family was like is for me? so i had 2 make pancak#s for everyone meaning i had 2 make Good pancakes bc idm if my pancakes r a little burnt or whatever and ik my family doesnt either#but in my head im like If i give my family burnt pancakes they will hate me until the day i fucking die#so i was already stressed bc it went from making like 5 silver dollars to like 30 and the first 2 patches were burnt and everybody was#running around and it was So hot and then the smoke alarm came on and we had just moved in so i didnt know where it was to turn it off so i#just sat down on the floor and started sobbing LOL#my mom finished the pancakes thank gd. but basically it was very scary and i Want to learn how 2 cook but i fink it needs to be#cooking for only me until i feel comfortable cooking more food at a time#bc making a lot of food stresses me out to much As seen above.
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animutates · 2 years ago
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ok preparing myself 4 the horrors this week.
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wastelandcrown · 2 years ago
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edyn tidestrider anthem Raise Hell by Brandi Carlile.
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foxcassius · 2 years ago
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i have split my self-taught korean lessons into a Morning Block and an Evening Block. classes start monday evening and end friday morning. in the evenings, i do the textbook portion of an entire chapter of this book. takes like 30 mins and then i have to spend forever manually making quizlet flashcards bc this book has no online resources beyond the listenings. then i practice the flashcards a little, sleep, and wake up. in the morning, i practice the flashcards again and then i do the workbook portion of an entire chapter of the book. takes like 30-40 mins. then i usually take a nap. in this way, i am sleeping between almost every Session of my class to ingrain the information on my brain, and am completing 4 chapters per week, which is great because i already know the content of like every single one of these chapters atm and just need to get through them to get to the stuff i dont know. i would say the most valuable asset this book is providing me is the structured vocabulary lists since amassing vocabulary is the hardest part of learning a language, for me. i also think the workbook is deeply useful. i kind of wish there were more workbook pages per chapter. because putting the language to use is the best form of practice. and as such, the thing my self-taught korean lessons is lacking the most is conversation in korean with other humans.
#if i tried to converse with jiwon in korean he would talk too fast he always does idk why he does that.#i understand that i need to get used to how people really talk but i'm literally just starting. chill. slow down.#and i dont want to make him go Teacher Mode bc he's not my teacher and also? i do not vibe with his teaching style#every time he tries to teach me something or answer one of my questions it goes crazy out of hand and i cry idk why#and also yesterday i saw him teaching jenni's class a little and also did not like how he was teaching her#obviously if she likes it that is her business but i would die if that was my class#so anyway. i am thinking of picking up lessons that are purely conversational. like i send the vocabulary lists for the week to#my tutor and then we have slower and easier conversations about the trivial topics in the textbook so i can start to practice#like i guess my thing is if i asked jiwon to have a conversation with me that used month/day negatives locations easy adjectives and verbs#he would 1) use a bunch of conjugations i dont know and then spend 20 mins explaining them to me#and 2) use the tone of voice he uses when he speaks easy korean to me that feels very very pandering and is usually fine#but makes me feel really dumb when he uses it while im trying to study#so i just want to avoid speaking to him in korean until i am fluent basically because i always feel really dumb when i try#i know this is impossible but its still what i want.#t
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wildsaltair · 11 days ago
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I can't believe the novelization is finished now. I have so enjoyed reading it. it absolutely ripped my heart out, but I loved every second of it. so so so glad I read it and got to upload my thoughts here. thanks for putting up with me, everyone. sorry about all the weeping and grieving and sorrowing. it will happen again
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