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People always say Shadow's backstory is sad, but I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk about it in depth.
Maria wasn't just Shadow's only friend. She had a fatal illness that couldn't be cured by any natural means, so her grandfather resorted to experimentation to find a cure. Eventually, Shadow was created, whose immortality was meant to be the key to Maria's recovery.
He was created to save her.
But she was killed because she tried to save Shadow from G.U.N. after he was deemed "too dangerous" by the organization to live. Think about that from Shadow's perspective. His only friend, killed because he was created to be a living weapon. Because he was friends with her, and she wanted to save him from G.U.N.
In his mind, Shadow is the reason why his only friend, his purpose, is gone.
After that, all he had left was the second reason for his creation. His status as a living weapon.
What do you think it's like to have only two purposes, one of which is Maria, and the other is why she's gone?
What's left for you at that point but to destroy everything, just like your creator intended?
Shadow blames humanity for Maria's death- it's another part of why he tried to destroy the world- but above all else, he blames himself.
In the end, Shadow is a broken man.
He believes himself to be unable to form connections with anyone; the last time he did, she was killed. He doesn't want to lose another friend, but he's also afraid he'll be the cause if it happens again. He knows he is built to destroy, and he's resigned himself to that purpose. It's all he has left after Maria died.
The reality of it is, Shadow hates himself.
And he has yet to let anyone close enough to help him. He runs away from friendship and teamwork both to protect himself and others from losing another person. He can't let anyone else die because he can't handle the guilt he already feels from the last time it happened.
That... has to be the worst feeling imaginable.
#shadow the hedgehog#maria robotnik#sth#character analysis#backstory#these hedgehogs need therapy. BADLY.#sonic the hedgehog#i think about this every day#i'm serious#it haunts me#suddenly it all makes sense#he wanted to die when he fell from orbit in sonic adventure 2#like i know it's said that he just lost his concentration#but shadow wouldn't do that#that's literally not like him at all#so yeah#i think shadow is suicidal#i think i need to cry in a corner until i feel better#because i really relate to him#and this hurts so much to think about#he needs a hug#i need a hug#we all need a hug#and therapy
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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oh i am on the Brink of a mental breakdown. and like a real one. i am going to feel so so fucking terrible and guilty if i don’t go to the first week of mac rehearsal bc i need to recover but i am also getting the sense that i Need to recover. i have never been this burnt out or genuinely terrified of starting a new semester in my life.
#we go back to campus a week early for mac. to be clear#and god they’ll be long days and they’ll be physically emotionally and mentally draining and i genuinely dont know if i can take that#but i am also going to be missing SO much time. and i won’t be there to support the people who i need to#i have also. been thinking a lot about how i’m scared that i think so much abt death bc i’m gonna be one of those people#who seem even more than everyone else like they have a finite time and then they die young#and then my mom compared me to jonathan larson tonight#so maybe that’s some sort of sign that i need to slow the fuck down#i am crying rn. for myself. which happens about three times a year#and yeah one is usually during winter break so we’re on schedule#i don’t know. idk!! i don’t know what to do here#and i still have to do my fucking scene prep for tomorrow#bc i was talking my mom about it and i really needed support which she was giving and then she has to leave for five seconds#and when she came back the entire conversation was just about her own problems again which we’ve already talked about every fucking night bc#- you can’t leave conversations with her and i hate when she fucking drunks i hate it i hate it#i am Not Well. i’ve sort of been avoiding admitting to myself just how badly#but man. i can push through anything until i drop but when i start wishing that i’ll drop so i have an excuse for a break….. not good#ted talks#the west wing
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i need everyone to know that ness (@causenessus) is the kindest person alive. she’s sweet and heartwarming and she makes you cry but in the best way possible
#keeping that ask for myself#and i’m gonna look at it every day until i die#and every day i’m gonna cry and it’s gonna be amazing#♪ ness’ tag#♪ mutuals
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they should give you a minimum 20 years after coming back from school to rest and process everything that happened
#seriously#im so overstimulated#this is the reason i've been inactive lately#even after coming home we've got so much homework from every subject#and i've got extra classes for math and physics everyday#aside from that I have to study on my own too or else I can't understand anything the next day#other problems include:#im in a new school but stuck with the same old feelings of loneliness and exclusion#felt like crying multiple times because teachers keep targeting me#I live like 20 minutes away from my school i've walked to and from there before+there's plenty of kids way younger than me who walk#but my mother's still convinced i'll get sunburnt and die so I have to listen to my father yelling at me about how he hates having to pick#me up. like dude I don't like this either!!#honestly I was doing fine until yesterday#I made like one friend who I stuck with for the first few days of school so I didn't really talk to anyone else#but now he's got a new friend and is ignoring me so.#umm on a positive note they have a big library here. that's cool.#and they've got a basketball team! kind of scared I won't make it though I haven't actually played in a while#trey's terrors
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i just like. wish ppl would realize how bad things are for most diaspora jews atm and like. take that into account wrt how they talk abt stuff
#s.txt#every day i see another dozen posts that make me want to cry and further avoid social media#like. i'm sorry i need white gentiles to realize that part of their job here is working to make the diaspora safe for jews!!!#do you know how much harder it is to convince my family that israel isn't the solution when houses in my neighbourhood are getting shot at#and vandalized for having mezuzahs??? which we also had up until they were ripped off by someone a few years back???#and like those are very necessary convos to have and i'm gonna keep having them and doing what i can and everything#but then i come on here and see shit like all zionists deserve to die no matter and it's just like. yall just want to see jews dead actuall#a free palestine is imperative i believe this to the depths of my soul#and things are also very scary right now!!! these are two things that can and are coexisting rn!!#sorry for the essay lmao#and yeah i'm not really on here besides my queue atm bc most of my energy rn is going towards irl convos+stuff and that's good frankly#sorry coming back bc i remembered the thread i saw from a white gentile leftist last week#that referred to israelis as pests that need to be eradicated#in those exact words and like sorry that's just straight up antisemitic rhetoric in so many ways like pls listen to yourself
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there is some weird as fuck noise happening outside girl its nearly 4am can we please not
#i think it just stopped actually#could not tell you what it was#i just talked to myself in the bathroom mirror for an hour and a half#about the same 3 things i always cry about when im supposed to be sleeping#i was supposed to watch a sketchbook vid & go to bed at 1 ough whrn will the horrors end#need a job so bad#no i need MONEY so bad#gotta jump on the kl fanart so fast so everybody thinks im so cool & sexy & i can do commissions or something#imagine ppl wanted to buy my dolls id jump for joy every day until i die#psst psst strangegutz fans look at my stuff#(has no examples to show)#leafposts
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eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P
additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly
#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it#and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website#as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people-#-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were-#-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered#also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it#this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone-#-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious#i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :(#i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles#it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on-#-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help.#unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that-#-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also-#-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes-#-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything''#and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think-#-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me''#and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point#be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying#and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child.#be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo#if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows-#-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like#trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you#social anxiety#anxiety disorder#i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11-#-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me#anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y
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Dear (Sir or Madam,)
After (careful) consideration,
We (regret) to inform you that you have not been (selected,)
We have decided to (pursue other candidates,)
We carefully regret your application,
(Honestly, you should have known,)
We regret (your decision,)
(You chose this life, no?)
(Why did you fail again?)
(The fear? The anxiety? The dread?)
(You dared to deign yourself worthy?)
(You decided to not plan ahead,)
(You were never able to plan ahead)
(You didn't plan to live past 12)
(Your career was a stillborn)
(It was never gonna hatch)
We have decided to leave you,
No paths, no forwards, no advance
Do not pass go, you will receive nothing,
You never put effort to anything,
We regret (you,)
(Were you not informed that you'll never be enough?)
(Careful, dear.)
(You can't fall from the sky icarus,)
(Your father never had the time to build the wings for either of you,)
(Never had the tools, the knowledge,)
(By your lazy, overworked hands, you are condemned,)
(By your ragged breath, the sweat filled brow, and the dirt under your nails,)
(By the rough in your gut, the grit under your tongue, and the grease in your veins,)
(You are to be your own minotaur,)
(Trapped, cannibalistic, vile)
(You can rot yourself away,)
(Pursuing anything that crosses your path,)
(Chewing through lives that could've been yours,)
(Hoping for answers in the marrow of their bones)
Dear(est),
(That wasn't a very good choice, was it?)
We do hope you understand.
Regards,
(A life not made for you)
#look#when it gets to the point where even fucking mcdonalds doesn't want to hire me#i think im allowed to write angsty shit#i fucking hate evrything#yes i work a manual labour job#shit fucking sucks and im allowed to say it#i work a manual labour job surrounded by offices#i want to cry every day#i didn't know that office jobs were real until last year#i honestly thought my only career choices were artist or orchard hand or die#and i put all of my chips on the last one in high school#i fucking hate this#i hate evrything#i wanna cry so bad#i got told by a friend who works in one of those offices “just quit and find a better job”#i love him so much but#if the only job that has hired me was this one#if i don't have time to look for a better job#if i don't have time to breathe in a day#if i didn't even fucking finish high school#if i don't have any fucking qualifications#if fucking NO ONE WANTS ME#HOW THE FUCK DO I GET A BETTER JOB#idk i wanna go back to study but like#im 20#by the time i get a diploma i'll be aged out by some 17 year old who's been planning for this shit since they were born#i don't wanna have to do this for the rest of my life#i don't wanna struggle#poetry#mine
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me: i love everyone and I love hearing about different cultures and traditions and eating and sharing stuff!
Racist fuckers from the year 1900: you are the worst person ever I hope you die and (insert string of slurs) fuck your whore mother.
Me: w H A T
#-pop#Every single day#until I die#every SINGLE DAY UNTIL I DIE#why are people so awful#genuinely I was taught “hey don’t be racist <3 and be kind!” And then people start BASHING ME for literally doing that#holy shit you do not understand the amount of hatred and violence and shit I have seen.#me holding all AAPI people and fighting the bigots: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS RACISTS#Me holding all AIPOC people and fighting the bigots: PLEASE STOP RACISTS#Me holding all the people from ethno-religions and fighting bigots: PLEASE HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS STOP RACISTS#Me holding all the marginalised people who don’t have a cool acronym and fighting the bigots: I AM SICK 0F THIS FUCK OFF RACISTS!#If I had a nickel for every single time I’ve seen racist shit#I’d have like 7000 dollars or something#Crying forever and always! (Sobbing hysterically)
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I killed a bird today. It flew in front of me while I was driving, and I didn't have time to stop. I saw feathers blown about in the rearview mirror.
#personal#seeing roadkill always kind of fucks me up#I've never killed something so big before. i've killed mosquitos and flies and stuff ig but never something i could hold in 2 hands#i don't know why i feel so fucked uo about it but i do. i killed it and i barely noticed. i didn't even cry#it was just a sparrow! so small! birds like that die all the time! nobody means to kill them exactly but it just happens. as a byproduct#but it lived a life. it had eaten every day up until that point. it had slept. it hadn't been eaten or infected or caught#and then i drove over it#my problem isn't with the death per say. i eat meat and wear leather. i profit from deforestation.#and if we are to consider empathetic sadness a finite ressource then why do i feel bad abt a bird and not all the humans suffering rn#but the bird was right there. it was tangible in its individuality. and its death was utterly senseless.#and it wasn't unique in the ways it distinguishes itself in my mind. but i killed it. and i wish i hadn't.#*per se#why do i care about my spelling! but i do. and why do i care that i care about my spelling! but i do.
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im always like wistfully sighing one day i will live with somebody who loves me and we'll cook together and itll be so romantic and then i remember when i was a kid and my mom would force me to let my sibling help me bake and id get so mad that i considered fratricide
#in my head cooking is a very nice calming thing however every time i Actually cook its like a fucking battlefield its genuinely dire#its entirely my fault bc i always turn the heat up so high and then i get stressed bc im like ITS COOKING TOO FAST ITS BURNING AND THE#MIDDLE ISNT EVEN COOKED and its like . yeah man bc you have the heat full blastt 😭😭but if i have it low im like This is taking too long.#even worse if im cooking a dish/meal that has multiple components and i need 2 be prepping one thing while another thing is cooking#and they all have different cook times so i have to make sure they all get done around the same time. it does make me cry a lot#one day. i will have my own house where i feel safe and i can cook and learn how 2 cook in a way that doesnt make me burst into tears#one time. evil. at home i was just gonna make myself pancakes 4 dinner and then my entire family was like is for me? so i had 2 make pancak#s for everyone meaning i had 2 make Good pancakes bc idm if my pancakes r a little burnt or whatever and ik my family doesnt either#but in my head im like If i give my family burnt pancakes they will hate me until the day i fucking die#so i was already stressed bc it went from making like 5 silver dollars to like 30 and the first 2 patches were burnt and everybody was#running around and it was So hot and then the smoke alarm came on and we had just moved in so i didnt know where it was to turn it off so i#just sat down on the floor and started sobbing LOL#my mom finished the pancakes thank gd. but basically it was very scary and i Want to learn how 2 cook but i fink it needs to be#cooking for only me until i feel comfortable cooking more food at a time#bc making a lot of food stresses me out to much As seen above.
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ok preparing myself 4 the horrors this week.
#vent#<- YOU CAN BLOCK THIS BEE TEE DOUBLE-U#i dont want toleave the house on the 20th because im so so scared how am i supposed to explain that to anyone.#im so convinced something is going to happento me im so convinced. i cant go to school.#i cant go to school. i cant i cant icant#its happened before so close to me. so many people died. IT COULD HAPPEN AGAIN WHAT IF IT HAPPENS TO ME. IT COULD IT FUCKING COULD#every day im on edge im waiting for the alarm to go off again im waiting for someone to break in and fucking kill me i know it could happen#i know i would have no way to escape no way to tell anyone goodbye i would have to just fucking sit there and cry on the floor waiting.#waiting waiting waiting until either i die or police decide to fucking do something and i know they wont.#ill always be haunted by the memories of what happened last february and what happened in 2015.#dont look at me
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edyn tidestrider anthem Raise Hell by Brandi Carlile.
#i sent my love across the sea and though i didnt cry that voice will haunt my every dream until the day i die#if edyn doesnt get her feminine rage im gonna throw shit#<- that line is ABOUT gillion i am so serious#rend the world anew baby girl!!#jrwi#jrwi riptide#edyn tidestrider
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i have split my self-taught korean lessons into a Morning Block and an Evening Block. classes start monday evening and end friday morning. in the evenings, i do the textbook portion of an entire chapter of this book. takes like 30 mins and then i have to spend forever manually making quizlet flashcards bc this book has no online resources beyond the listenings. then i practice the flashcards a little, sleep, and wake up. in the morning, i practice the flashcards again and then i do the workbook portion of an entire chapter of the book. takes like 30-40 mins. then i usually take a nap. in this way, i am sleeping between almost every Session of my class to ingrain the information on my brain, and am completing 4 chapters per week, which is great because i already know the content of like every single one of these chapters atm and just need to get through them to get to the stuff i dont know. i would say the most valuable asset this book is providing me is the structured vocabulary lists since amassing vocabulary is the hardest part of learning a language, for me. i also think the workbook is deeply useful. i kind of wish there were more workbook pages per chapter. because putting the language to use is the best form of practice. and as such, the thing my self-taught korean lessons is lacking the most is conversation in korean with other humans.
#if i tried to converse with jiwon in korean he would talk too fast he always does idk why he does that.#i understand that i need to get used to how people really talk but i'm literally just starting. chill. slow down.#and i dont want to make him go Teacher Mode bc he's not my teacher and also? i do not vibe with his teaching style#every time he tries to teach me something or answer one of my questions it goes crazy out of hand and i cry idk why#and also yesterday i saw him teaching jenni's class a little and also did not like how he was teaching her#obviously if she likes it that is her business but i would die if that was my class#so anyway. i am thinking of picking up lessons that are purely conversational. like i send the vocabulary lists for the week to#my tutor and then we have slower and easier conversations about the trivial topics in the textbook so i can start to practice#like i guess my thing is if i asked jiwon to have a conversation with me that used month/day negatives locations easy adjectives and verbs#he would 1) use a bunch of conjugations i dont know and then spend 20 mins explaining them to me#and 2) use the tone of voice he uses when he speaks easy korean to me that feels very very pandering and is usually fine#but makes me feel really dumb when he uses it while im trying to study#so i just want to avoid speaking to him in korean until i am fluent basically because i always feel really dumb when i try#i know this is impossible but its still what i want.#t
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I can't believe the novelization is finished now. I have so enjoyed reading it. it absolutely ripped my heart out, but I loved every second of it. so so so glad I read it and got to upload my thoughts here. thanks for putting up with me, everyone. sorry about all the weeping and grieving and sorrowing. it will happen again
#it will happen every day#i will cry over maximus until i die#i will love him until the earth is dust#i will mourn him until the end of time#the most powerful story and the sweetest hero and the most painful yet beautiful ending#this has been amazing#jane reads gladiator
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