#i would hope louis gets to wear all the rainbows he wants in private

[louehvolution]

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[uterusclub]

I think it goes without saying that Sharon and I were well-aware of the infamous town of Alton, IL for quite some time due to our extended ghost-hunting research. The only detail daunting us from execution was the 5 hour drive down state. It wasn’t until Ghost Adventures recently released a few episodes investigating the spooked town that our fire was fueled! The itinerary was, shortly thereafter, drawn up (thanks to Sharon) with inclusions of Saint Louis, Missouri as well.

Our journey jump-started at a departure of 7:30 a.m. With freshly burned CDs in tow for music accompaniment, we headed out the door with much excitement. First stop – Grafton, Illinois to check in early to our hotel, Ruebel Hotel where we had prebooked an allegedly haunted room #11. Driving into the small town, we noted but dismissed several ‘road closed’ signs as they had no effect on our commute to the hotel. Upon speaking with Moe at the front desk, we were informed that our check-in was actually scheduled for the night before and that our reservation was for 2 nights? Whoops! This conversation had taken place a few weeks earlier as I recall trying to verify this detail with Sharon who assured me we were only staying for 1 (she later redacted and apologized for miss-remembering). In any case, we checked out our room very briefing concluding it didn’t ‘feel’ haunted before heading back out to soothe our aching bellies. Next stop? Grafton Harbor for food and drinks!

On the way to the car Sharon scoffed at her GPS. “This wants us to go all the way around which is 18 minutes, but it’s a 7 minute walk!” We prepared to depart but happened to look back at a ‘road closed’ sign which now made sense. It was then that we noticed the backdrop to our hotel – high waters submerging the streets below it. “Guess that’s why it’s telling me to go this other way” Sharon concluded. Leaving with minimal annoyance, we made our way to a flooded roadway of unpredictable depth. Sharon reluctantly backed the car up to return back the way we came, only to notice several cars behind us. “Wait, wait, wait, let’s see what they’re going to do” she said. So we sat and waited as one ballsy car at a time drove through the wading tides to the other side. We watched in awe and terror. And while tempting, decided in the end, it wasn’t worth it. The panic, that is. So no food.

Venturing forward with a slight chip on our shoulders, we skipped to our next scheduled stop: Piasa Bird. As Sharon drove along the shoreline we continued our perfect view of the high waters. We also noted several barriers stating ‘road closed – local traffic only’ which Sharon concluded didn’t apply to us for some reason. Bi-passing without a thought, we continued our journey hoping upon hope that there was indeed an end in sight as there was really no way of turning back on this one-way road. As we anti-climatically reached the Piasa Bird and climbed out of the car, our enthusiasm dwindled as we both half-heartedly took turns reading the backstory to it. I can’t even recall it now (and this occurred yesterday) so clearly, it was too much detail for my a.d.d. brain or just uninteresting. You decide. A couple photos later, we jumped back into the car and headed to the downtown area of Alton, Illinois!

Next stop? My Just Desserts! The thing is, we hadn’t even had what I refer to as ‘normal’ food yet so by the time we got to this little town and found the joint, I didn’t care much for pie or baked goods. I’ll also blame my questionable stomach but we ended up splitting a spinach, bacon, and chicken salad with an amazing poppyseed vinaigrette that Sharon ended up purchasing. Having fed the hunger demons, our demeanors quickly simmered. The majority of our ‘activities’ for the town were based around the local shopping area. We visiting the Mineral Springs Antique Mall where we saw some gorgeous ceiling-lined umbrellas and had far too much fun in the Historic Museum of Torture Devices! Several random shops later, Sharon had a Doodle Bear ($1.50) and I, an awesome corduroy hippie dress (definitely not $1.50). Shopper high complete, we now made our way to Elijah P. Lovejoy Monument or what I’ll refer to as, ‘pretty cemetery’ for all intent and purposes.

Cemeteries. You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all and if you’re Sharon, they’re all ‘pretty’ so there’s really not much to say about the stop. Literally. We can move along now. To St. Louis, specifically.

Now my only recollection of St. Louis, Missouri was occasionally visiting childhood friends of my family ‘back in the day.’ That and it being hot as balls during the summertime. Outside of that, nada. First and most regrettable stop – Gateway Arch. So I guess it’s a thing now that you can ‘ride’ inside an elevator to the top? Sounded cool. SOUNDED. Foreshadow much? Anyway, after a confusing debacle over the ‘parking’ situation ie. being in a ghetto ally and asking a random ‘officer’ looking dude for assistance, we parked in a nearby garage and walked over to the grassy grove encompassing the Arch. I wont knock the splendor of the shining sight and absorbing all the un-obnoxious people enjoying themselves around us, however, I WILL take a few jabs at our attempts at finding the goddamn entrance to the illusive ‘ride.’ There was no ‘pot of gold’ at the end of either rainbow for these unlucky leprechauns. It wasn’t until we actually FOLLOWED the random arrows painted on the ground that we discovered an underground mound. Victoriously entering the ticket line, I glanced at the pricing monitor: ‘Trams sold out for the day.’ Mother****! ALL that effort. Though I will add that we mysteriously ended up departing our parking garage without paying which I can only assume was karma’s apology to us.

So now what? BOOZE. Much much deserved BOOZE. A quick ride took us to Brick River Cider where we were greeted immediately and provided with an oratory comparison of all draft ciders. Sharon and I settled on different, favorable choices which resulted in a growler and 6-pack for the homefront. With inebriation healing past wounds, we moved ahead to the City Museum of St. Louis. Sharon had briefed me on this but I couldn’t recall much – save for it looking interesting.

Upon arriving to the City Museum of St. Louis and parking across the street, you could see a whole, structural display on the very top of the building which we hoped would be open for the season (it wasn’t). You could also see and hear the shrills of lots and lots of children playing outside on the interactive displays. Normally this would put me off but the booze had muted the sounds and annoyance for the moment. I suppose I should take this time to mention Sharon’s wardrobe change from a dress into a different dress with pants for what she claimed was ‘comfort’ purposes. Entering this playground from hell, I can only describe it as a poor man’s attempt at a children’s Meow Wolf inside the locker room of a YMCA. Between the chaotic amount of children, the dingy apparatuses and the confusing layout (which was suppose to be a ‘schtick’ of exploration’), sobriety became king. I’d like to also point out that the main form of ‘travel’ was through slides and tunnels – the likes of which were most inconvenient for probably the only individual at this place wearing a dress! Still, I attempted to ‘play nice’ and took a turn on a ‘slide’ which I’m fairly sure, resulted in me flashing one very happy man (he owes me at lease $5 for that). Fixated on annoyance, we didn’t last long and decided our only salvation now was food.

We chose to eat at Square One Brewery & Distillery solely based on my pre-researched discovered of them having a goat-cheese artichoke dip appetizer which was the best part of the entire meal. My salmon with potatoes and broccoli was beyond basic (shame on you) and Sharon’s ‘barbecue’ pork sandwich tasted of funky, spiced ketchup (I still can’t believe she ate as much of it as she did after trying it myself). The only saving grace to this most egregious meal was our next stop down the street – Bailey’s Chocolate Bar. Surely, no wrong can come of chocolate!

This cute little bar was situated atop an escalating stairway into a dim, intimate dining area. The menu consisted of ice cream booze drinks, booze drinks, or desserts. Both deciding upon ice creamed, booze martinis, we partook in some mini, complimentary chocolate chip cookies which were divine! Drinks were strong AND delicious. I’ve actually never heard Sharon confess something to be ‘dangerous’ so many times.

Feeling much better after chocolate intoxication, the only thing left now was to continue boozing for the remainder of the evening! We headed over to W Karaoke Lounge which I had previously researched and observed a super cool looking ‘performance’ floor that lit up beneath the performers. We stayed just long enough for me to get one rendition of ‘Just a Girl’ in and finished up one drink before moving along to the next booze endeavor.

Thaxton Speakeasy. Another place I had previously researched which looked super cool inside. We arrived a few minutes after the place ‘opened’ and were met by an older gentleman outside the door advising us that the place was closed for a private party. Goddamnit! Foiled again! Guess we didn’t need that drink. Onto the next!

Our last stop for the night was at The Monocle & The Emerald Room where we had purchased tickets to a see a Burlesque show a few ladies I knew were in. We sat, drank and bided our time for an hour and a half – despite the show time scheduled for 10pm. Once 10:30pm hit and the performances began, we knew we wouldn’t last long. Sharon’s mentality drastically switch from ‘if your friends are in the second half, we have to stay’ to ‘yeah, I’m sorry, no, if they’re not on the first half, too bad, I’m tired.’ We were glad to stand in line next to a super buzzed, hilariously friendly gentleman who had absolutely no filter. The theater gods granted us the delight of seeing my wonderful friends during the first half of the show after which we immediately took our exit for the long journey (hour) back to our hotel in Grafton, Illinois.

Suffice it to say, we were absolutely exhausted by the time we got back to the hotel. Ironically, I had a difficult time falling asleep after falsely identifying paranormal activity of my toiletries. My heart was literally in my throat for quite some time. I could hear Sharon had no problem getting to sleep. At some point, tossing and turning throughout the night, I caught some portion of sleep and roused at the usual, ungodly hour of 7am Tired still but forcing the will to journey for more immediate comfort at home, we showered, packed and departed in optimal time. Discovering no roadside coffee availability nearby, save gas station coffee, we waiting patiently (2 hours) for the reward of Dunkin Donuts. I took the reigns for the rest of the drive home and played road tag with a Kia whom I’m not sure when I divulged from. I can only hope that some day – definitely not today – definitely not tomorrow but in the very, very distant future, we may meet again in St. Louis.

Meet Me In St. Louis Or Rather, Don’t I think it goes without saying that Sharon and I were well-aware of the infamous town of Alton, IL for quite some time due to our extended ghost-hunting research.

[evenstevensranked]

#49: Season 2, Episode 12 - “Easy Crier”

Holy crap you guys. Can you believe we’re already into the #40s?! This is going by faster than I anticipated.

This week, Lenny Cranepool (a.k.a “Lenny the Lifter”) is the new kid at school. He's a giant. Louis and Twitty befriend him and they become the most feared crew in school. Until they find out Lenny is a big softie who dreams of becoming a pastry chef. Meanwhile, Ren is trying to outlaw dodgeball due to its physical dangers.

The opening shot is Louis late for school, running in slo-mo down the hallway. His backpack is unzipped so every single paper in his bag goes flying literally everywhere. He gets stopped by Tugnut who yells at him for being late, and Louis says “Or! Is it possible everybody else on earth is early?” Real slick, Louis. Tugnut let’s him off the hook for his “sassy mouth” clap back, because it’s dodgeball season and he’s creepily overexcited for it and even throws in some maniacal laughter to drive it home. Do schools have dodgeball season, though? Like, is that a thing? Do they have big rainbow parachute in gym class season, too? That was the best. Anyway, this dodgeball mention is setting up the subplot.

Louis crawls into math class trying (and failing) to go unnoticed, when suddenly… there’s a giant foot in the aisle! Someone else is sitting in his seat. It’s Lenny Cranepool! The new transfer student who must’ve only transferred there for a few days because we never see him again! Louis is clearly intimidated when Lenny stands up, towering over him and GROWLING. I’m not kidding. Lenny genuinely growls and grunts like a caveman. Now that I think about it, that’s pretty hilarious. Louis is chill though and settles for a different desk. Once he sits though, he casually says “Actually, I’d prefer the window seat” and out of nowhere he is LIFTED INTO THE AIR BY LENNY and carried over to the window. 

He’s sitting in front of Twitty now, so Twitty fills him in on everything. He tells Louis the new kid is Lenny the Lifter. Word on the street is that he got kicked out of his old school for “going on a lifting spree” probably. I love that, omg. Lenny breaks his pencil and growls like an animal again. Louis is nice and gives him one of his pencils, but Lenny doesn’t even say thank you and gives them a hard look. Louis and Twitty are just relieved to be alive at this point. 

Next, we see Ren and Nelson preparing to go live on the school news program, The Wombat Report. Ren introduces her dodgeball segment accusing it of being a “barbaric celebration of pain and violence that sadistically pits the mean and vicious against the weak and skinny.” Dang, Ren. Tugnut is watching while wearing an I <3 DODGEBALL shirt and gets so pissed he breaks his pencil, too. That’s one too many pencils broken in under a minutes time if you ask me. Ren says they took a hidden Cap Cam into Tugnut’s gym class and came away with “disturbing footage.” The footage shows him teaching the kids about Hot Zones on the human body to aim for while playing dodgeball and uses a cardboard cutout of a skinny nerd dubbed Target Timmy. He notices the kid in the Cap Cam and says “no hats in class! TAKE IT OFF!” and violently throws a dodgeball at their head. Great teacher, right there.

I’m sure that’s enough to get him fired and banned from teaching ever again???

Louis is walking down the hall and is surprised when each step he takes parts the crowd of kids like Moses. Until, of course, he notices Lenny has been following him. He initially runs away, but Lenny catches up to him at lunch and thanks him for the pencil. Louis says “The pencil! Oh, right. Old Number 2! You’re welcome.” The Old Number 2 comment makes me laugh. That was definitely an ad lib. Louis invites Lenny to eat with him and we see the first glimmer of Lenny the Softie accompanied by sensitive piano. He’s like “YEAH! :D Thanks!” all happy. And it would be a nice gesture, except it marks the arrival of Selfish Louis here. He immediately decides to use Lenny to his advantage. He takes a seat at the 8th Grade lunch table, which is clearly off-limits and decorated like a fancy restaurant in comparison to all the other lowly tables, lol. Twitty comes over and asks Louis if he has a death wish. This is accurate.

When I was in middle school, there was this small stoop in the parking lot where the 8th graders would hang out during recess. If you went anywhere near there they would cuss you out. I was a pretty outgoing kid (I mean, not as brazen as Louis can be, but..) so one day when I was in 6th grade, I purposely got to the stoop before the 8th graders and just stood there. When they eventually came over telling me to leave, I stood my ground and said “This is a slab of cement. I don’t see your names anywhere. I can stand here if I want to.” They eventually gave up and went somewhere else, letting me and my friends hang out there that day! Ayyyyyy! One of my proudest moments. I wonder if I was subconsciously inspired by Louis. Probably, honestly. This show subconsciously shaped my sense of humor growing up and I only realized this when I started getting back into the show in 2011. I digress…

I felt the need to include a picture of the stoop. I literally went on Google Earth to get this! haha. This isn’t the exact stoop at the exact location, but this is exactly what it looks like. Just so you can visualize, lol.

Sure enough, Larry Beale and the big tough 8th Graders come over telling Louis the table is reserved. But, Louis says “Larry, this table is only reserved because you and a few of your unattractive friends say it is.” Burrrrn. I’ma use that next time. Just then, Lenny comes over. Larry is clearly scared and quickly sits at a different table and pretty much does whatever Louis says. So yeah, this is where Louis realizes he can just use Lenny to intimidate everyone and get whatever he wants from this moment forward. Nice!

Ren goes walking into a pitch black gym per Coach Tugnut’s request. He says “you got a problem with dodgeball?!” and claps twice to turn on a spotlight which dramatically reveals him sitting at desk. That’s honestly terrifying considering Tugnut is a grown man and Ren is like.. 14. I’d run out the door. We get one of my favorite lines here, though. Ren asks “I take it you’ve seen my dodgeball exposé?” and Tugnut says: 

(credit)

He tells her that Principal Wexler is holding a referendum on whether to keep or ban dodgeball. But he’s adamant that dodgeball isn’t going anywhere.

Louis notices Lenny sitting on the stairs, visibly upset. Louis goes over to him and Lenny immediately bursts into tears! Louis frantically tries to hide him so his tough image stays intact. Turns out Lenny is crying over a simple poetry assignment that’s due the next day. He says he’s worried that if he doesn’t do well in school he’ll “never graduate and become a p-p-p….” through tears, and Louis tries to guess what profession he was going to say. Asking “Police Man? Private Investigator?! PYTHON TRAINER?!” (I just love the way Shia says it.) But Lenny clarifies that he was going to say pastry chef. Louis ain’t thrilled.

Later that day, Louis and Twitty try to come up with a plan that will help Lenny remain feared. Louis just hopes that Lenny will write a poem that’s dark, mean and hateful. Unfortunately, he writes a poem that’s gentle, sweet and loving. Ren reads it and convinces Lenny to recite it on the Wombat Report to show everyone what a sweet guy he is.

Then, the following scene happens. Which I’m just going to embed instead of describing because I think it’s hilarious.

This paper cut incident helps Louis come up with an idea to stop Lenny from reading his poem.

The dodgeball drama turns into a Ren vs. Larry thing because Larry sides with Coach Tugnut. I’m not complaining about this. Any Ren/Larry interaction is nice because REN AND LARRY SHOULD JUST PUT ASIDE THEIR DIFFERENCES AND DATE! Larry and Tugnut demand equal time on the Wombat Report to debate over dodgeball, which is fair I guess. 

Over the course of ONE NIGHT Louis comes up with a voice activated device to attach to the bottom of Lenny’s chair that will zap him as soon as he starts reading his poem. Louis The Incredibly Gifted Engineer strikes again. 

The plan is to make Lenny go insane, like when he got the paper cut, on live TV. Yeah, that should do it. But before he’s about to go live, Lenny gives Louis a copy of the poem and says he wrote it about him. Louis reads it and asks Twitty “You ever feel the gnawing pains of guilt? You know, the ones that make you feel like a terrible person who doesn’t deserve to live?” Twitty says no and Louis is like, “Yeah, me neither. But this is the closest I’ve ever been” as if he’s a person incapable of feeling remorse or emotion. Not a fan of that choice, tbh.

Either way, he decides to do the right thing and swap the chairs. Lenny successfully reads his poem, which is also hilarious. Here’s the transcript:

“Emotional” by Lenny Cranepool

I wish you could see beyond my size, to the person that lives inside. There is someone who sees the real me... his name is Louis, and you see... He never judged, or laughed or tried to hide, he just treated me like any other guy. I owe a lot to this true friend, I hope our friendship never ends. It really hurts to be left out, if you have any doubt... Try being me for just one day, and I’m sure you’d agree when I say -- That being feared cuts like a knife, but one good friend can change your life.

The entire school is in tears, including Louis and Twitty. We see Larry and freaking PEDRO FROM NAPOLEON DYNAMITE with tears in his eyes (this is his second appearance in the series as a member of Larry’s posse.) He turns to Larry and says “That was so beautiful, man.” And Larry’s just like “Shut up, Omar” which makes me laugh. Larry’s happy though, because Louis just lost his body guard.

“Shut up, Omar.” lol this show has so much meme potential. 

Then they make a sharp turn from crying to the dodgeball debate, which is also funny. Only problem is that Ren is sitting in the rigged chair now. Oops. As soon as she speaks to debate against Larry, she gets zapped and screams at the top of her lungs. She knows Louis did it. She kicks the chair away and quickly shares a seat with Larry instead. They’re so cute. Just like that, Ren changes her position on dodgeball and decides that it can be a “very rewarding experience.” Meaning, she wants to get back at Louis.

I love how they have an American flag displayed. I mean, what’s more American than dodgeball?! 

The last scene is Ren, Larry and Tugnut ganging up against Louis by pelting him with dodgeballs. Ren and Larry are smiley and he says it’s nice to be on the same side for once, which is also cute. They’re just cute and should’ve got together by the end of the series!!!

Anyway, I’m not against Louis getting his but kicked here. He was going to do a pretty mean thing to Lenny for his own personal gain. And, then ended up ruining things and embarrassing Ren in the process. So… Sorry, Lou! I'm not with ya on this one. The episode ends on a freeze frame of Louis about to get hit in the face. The end.

This is a good episode. I used to love it... A LOT. (But again, every episode was my “favorite” at some point.) I guess the fact that it revolves around a one-off character makes it difficult for me to rank it any higher. Although, a good episode is a good episode regardless. But still. Louis’ ugly side made an appearance here, which I hate. So. I love the little Ren/Larry bit at the end, though. I wonder if Eric Ty Hodges was directed to subtly act like he has a secret crush on Ren occasionally, because I get those vibes.

Just a side note I’ve been thinking about: I might be the only person who feels this way.. but… Season 2 is weird for me. I’ve always seen it as the awkward transitional period between gritty Season 1 and über polished zany Season 3. Barring a few super memorable, pretty iconic episodes — Season 2 is just kinda… there. It might have something to do with the fact that Shia looks a little awkward himself. He’s not the young baby faced kid from Season 1 and he’s not the grown teenager we see in Season 3. He’s like.. an actual awkward 7th grader here lol. Also, little known fact! Louis and his friends actually move up to 8th grade in Season 3! It’s widely believed that Louis and Ren are in 7th and 8th grade the entire series. It's even listed as a production fact on Wikipedia! But, nope. There are slight things that confirm this, which I’ll acknowledge when they pop up but yeah. (This means that LJH is one of those rare middle schools that go up to 9th grade, btw) So, that’s definitely something else that contributes to my feelings towards Season 2. For Louis and his friends, in my mind I think...

Season 1: First half of 7th grade.

Season 2: Second half of 7th grade.

Season 3: 8th grade.

Obviously, Ren would be the same except 8th-9th. Also, fun fact #2: Seth Miller, who plays Lenny, was in an episode of Boy Meets World. There are a lot of parallels between the two shows, actually. 

I DIGRESS AGAIN!

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