#i wrote mine several days ago but no answer thus far of course

[tekehu]

if you're european, you can go to this site, click on your country at the top bar, and it will tell you how to reach your representatives and also provides an already written script which you can simply copy and paste. alternatively, this google doc also provides scripts for different countries.

[ambrosiaaddiction]

Have A Little Faith

Word Count: 1,783

Summary: You are at Lady Danbury’s evening ball, which is the perfect opportunity to find a potential suitor so that you can finally settle down. But of course, it’s not as easy as it sounds. You’ve found yourself standing far away from everyone else, and just when you think tonight will be fruitless, your childhood friend, Anthony Bridgerton, changes all of the thoughts inside your head.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Tonight was the night where I needed to do a little flirting with men I have never personally met, and hopefully, I’ll impress them with my charms. That’s if they would gauge their attention onto me instead of whatever they wanted to boast about.

Mama practically talked my ear off when we were upon arriving Lady Danbury’s estate, but Richard distracted her with the topic of his new fiancée like the eldest brother he is. I still hadn’t thanked him for his act of bravery, although, that could wait for when we were in the carriage.

In my mind, I ventured on about whether or not he would be at the ball. The last time we’ve met was nearly three days ago when our families agreed to have a picnic in celebration of a newborn baby coming into the world. As much as I enjoyed engaging in social encounters, I had been more comfortable with reading alone in my room.

But alas, he persuaded me to join everyone outside where we could eat and share jokes under the warm sun together. Since then, I couldn’t stop thinking about the way his shoulder brushed against mine more than enough times to call it accidental.

The man even offered to feed me a sandwich and delectable piece of scone he had already bitten into. Luckily for the two of us, our families were too immersed with doting over the aforementioned newborn baby to realize what we were doing.

Viscount Bridgerton, informally known as Anthony or Bridgerton by both family and close friends. I was not exempt from the latter formalities, although, I’ve always wondered what my life would be like if I had not crossed paths with him.

He is everything and more when Lady Whistledown wrote about him in her society’s paper last Tuesday. And to be quite frank, he needed to work for what he wanted rather than let it fall into his lap.

It seemed unfathomable the way he charmed his way through women of the ton while simultaneously rejecting them. I found it entertaining to see the crestfallen faces of girls my age, but am I to blame for their naïveté?

Anthony Bridgerton is a Rake through and through, which I can say with the utmost certainty because I am his childhood friend.

Now, don’t get me wrong. He loves his mother and siblings in place of his late father, and he is very passionate in regards of his interests. That includes women who have a pretty face and have given him an unforgettablely good time.

But this did not excuse the trail of broken hearts as well as tearful confessions behind the Viscount. Although a bit discouraging for someone who harbored feelings for the man, I always kept a smile on my face whenever we had a conversation with one another.

Anthony was extremely well-versed in politics, social skills, and the economy. There were times when I tested him on a popular topic in the papers, which as expected, he excelled.

I should not be thinking about the past at this hour. Everyone around me was dancing, drinking their glasses of champagne, and looking for someone to court. Letting out a deep sigh, I brush off a speck of invisible dust from the hem of my dress.

That’s when I see him, politely making his way through the crowd to go to where I am. A silent panic breaks my former calm demeanor, and I quickly stand taller to seem more presentable. It does not go unnoticed in the slightest, thus Anthony chuckles behind a hand then he stands before me in his handsome glory.

“Good evening, Miss Willows. How are you enjoying the ball so far?” There’s a mischievous glint behind those mesmerizing brown eyes, but onlookers would mistake it as a completely different emotion. “Hello, Lord Bridgerton. I’m much comfortable standing on the sidelines rather than dancing the night away. Thank you for asking, my lord.”

He shakes his head with amusement, and he finds my honest reply to be of a different mood compared to the other young women. “Then you shan’t refuse my offer to dance the night away, Miss Willows.” I furrow my brows in confusion and not a moment later, I’m swept onto the dance floor.

I’ve not the chance to process all that has happened, but Anthony keeps me focused on him and only him. He lowers his head to whisper words of encouragement, and I flush like a rose when he sneaks a kiss on the apple of my cheek. It’s too much for me to understand why he chose me instead of any other woman he wanted in the ball room.

“I’m relieved to see that you’re not stepping on my feet, and how beautiful your smile glows, Miss Willows.” I’m temporarily rendered speechless as to why he’s suddenly being quite the gentleman towards me. If it weren’t for the bystanders, he and I would be playfully bantering nonstop about the most random things we could think of.

“Anthony, tell me, what’s gotten into you? I appreciate the change of attitude, but it’s not the Bridgerton I know.” He’s unresponsive for a minute, then two. I can feel his grip on my waist tighten and the subtle action to bring our bodies closer. I’m not sure how I should react, but I needn’t say anything at all when he spins me around.

“My mother wants me to find a young lady to court because she’s tired of me being a bachelor for most of my life.” “Well, I can’t say I’m not surprised because she’s right.” I’m quick to give my reply, and he briefly glares down at me. “Oh, come now, Anthony. Even Lady Whistledown knows about your spectacular reputation and preferences.”

“Yes, but that’s all she knows about me, y/n. I just don’t think I’m capable of settling down with a family of my own in the near future.” The song comes to an end, and we bow before walking together for some refreshments. I say my hellos to several couples, single lords, and some of my friends when we come across them.

“That is a lie because from my knowledge, you’re the spitting image and exact replica of your father, Anthony Bridgerton.” “Y/n, I’m grateful to have met an extraordinary woman like yourself, but sometimes you get on my nerves.” That stabbed me right in the heart. Alright, perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned his late father, but he didn’t have to be so harsh.

“Look, all I’m saying is that you can marry whoever you want to, but you’d most definitely choose a woman with the same personality as yours.” I watch him take a swig from his wine glass, and then he points it at me. Narrowing my eyes as I brace myself for possible humiliation, he sets down the glass and takes my hand to drag me off to someplace other than where we were now.

I won’t lie when I say that I was nervous yet excited to find out where he was taking me. Benedict, Colin, and Eloise all looked our way then at their mother, and I could tell that they had connected the dots. It was a good thing that Lady Bridgerton found her happy place with alcohol, otherwise she would’ve stopped Anthony in his tracks.

We eventually reach our destination, which so happens to be one of countless rooms that was conveniently far away for anyone to hear. Don’t tell me... “Anthony, what are we doing over here? Shouldn’t we be with all those people, and dancing the night away?”

No answer from my captor. He seemed to be in deep thought, and I scoffed in disbelief. I most certainly did not want to spend the rest of my time on my friend, especially when he wouldn’t tell me why he brought me here. “Look, I came to this ball to find a suitor. If you won’t answer me, then—“

Before I knew it, his lips were on mine. The hand that was once squeezing my waist found its rightful place, and the other gently brushed my hair back. I fluttered my eyes closed, letting myself melt in his embrace as we kissed with a fiery passion I knew that had always been between us.

A few moments later, he pulled away then buried his face into the crook of my neck. I felt him inhale then exhale, as though he was trying to control himself from doing something I hadn’t done before. “I want you, y/n. But only if you’ll allow me to court you. We have gone through thick and thin in our childhood, and I want nothing more to continue for the rest of our lives.”

The Viscount Anthony Bridgerton was asking for my consent to be courted, and I would be delusional to reject his confession. I’ve never seen him so sincere and vulnerable like this before, and it made me giggle. He must’ve thought that I was going to refuse his offer, but I snake my arms around his neck then kiss his soft lips for reassurance.

“I’ve never thought you would ask, Anthony. But this means no more secret meetings, alright? If I hear an inkling about you being where you’ve told me you wouldn’t be at, then I’m ending things. Am I clear, Bridgerton?” He swallows thickly and nods, so I’m rather grateful that my warning has gotten through.

I bring my hands to cup his face, and I now see how much he adores me the way he relaxes against my touch. Unfortunately, we’ve been gone for far too long, but I don’t doubt that he’ll come up with a reasonable excuse to his worrying mama.

Anthony kisses the top of my head before taking my hand and leading me back the way we came. I intertwine our fingers to which he brings up to his lips and kisses my knuckles. “It might be too soon to say this, but I absolutely and undoubtedly love you, y/n Willows. I promise to cherish you for as long as I am going to live.”

It takes a bit for me to absorb the sudden declaration, but I’m not complaining whatsoever. All that mattered was that we shared equal affection for one another, and we were willing to work for a bright, lovely lifestyle ahead of us. “And I wholeheartedly love you, Anthony Bridgerton. You are mine for eternity,”

Some might say that we were too inexperienced when it came to love, but we ignored their opinions. Like my mama used to tell me when I was a child, “Have a little faith.”

[official-weasley]

The Irreplaceable Charlie Weasley: Pt. 4, Ch. 9

PART 4: THE YEAR WHEN EVERYONE HAS A CRUSH Chapter 9 - Tonks' Escape

Penny

I was giving the group some space this year when it comes to studying. Especially Nova, that poor thing. It was so hard to watch her be in so much pain and I am so happy that she is her normal self again and smiling and laughing.

We do have moments when we are in the Library together and she starts talking to me about her dad. I could listen for her for hours if need be, she is such a sweet angel!

She needed quite some time to catch up with all her homework and studying and I have been working extra hard in classes to make things easier on her.

However, exams are approaching and it's time to start nagging people! I waited until the very last possible minute, I mean it is the last week of May!

This year has been particularly hard as teachers started to up the pace when it came to the material as we have O.W.L.s next year and they want us to be ready! I can't believe we are going to be in Fifth Year already and I can't help but be nervous about how hard next year is going to be if we were barely keeping up this year.

Speaking of keeping up I have to say that not the most perfectly brewed potion makes me as proud as the fact that I have managed, for the second year in a row, not to fall asleep in History of Magic and take notes! Not that it does anybody any good as none of my friends want to read them. They say it's just too much boring information and as much as I like to act mad when they say it, I silently agree with them.

Potions, however, are by far my favorite subject, even if our dear Professor Snape is not so keen of me or of any other student for that matter. I wonder what is his story.

My mum being a Potioneer and the fact that I simply enjoy the art of potion-making are not the only two reasons why I love Potions so much. This Summer a Ravenclaw boy by the name of Andre wrote to me that despite all our efforts in June he didn't pass the exam. I was mortified and I offered him help at once. I have been sending him material and notes and extra explanations all Summer and I was glad to help and it gave me an excuse to reread all my Potions books and talk about them!

What I didn't expect, however, was the fact that after I taught him everything I could, he kept sending me letters. We started to talk about what we are doing and how our Summer has been so far. We talked about Quidditch and our families and I told him stories of what me and my friends, that spend August with me, have been doing. I caught myself a few times waiting for his letter, wondering what he was going to write next or what interesting topic he will pick for our conversation.

Then one day in August, I got a letter where he wrote just how much fun he was having writing and corresponding with me and I felt my cheeks getting warmer. That night I couldn't sleep as I kept rereading the letter and thinking just how sweet he was. I knew, at that moment, that I fancied him. At first, it was a surprise because in our Third Year I had the biggest crush on Charlie's brother Bill.

I have embarrassed myself on several occasions, not standing to be in the same room as him, thus I spent more than half of last year in the Library. It wasn't until I talked to Nova that she made me realize that having a crush is not your choice and that it's not such a big deal. That's why I was so excited when I blushed with every letter Andre sent me.

And I know it might sound selfish, but I couldn't wait to tell my friends! Well, how they found out was a different story and I think Charlie has never wished to be in a different compartment more than when we were talking about crushes.

Oh, and speaking about Charlie and crushes! It's the end of May and my little darling sister still fancies him. She wrote me a letter every week where, besides our usual correspondence, she always asked how he is and what is he doing and if he asked about her. To her last question, I always answered 'yes' because I knew how much it meant to her and I didn't want to break her poor little heart! Charlie, however, felt very uncomfortable every morning when she was staring at him while he was eating cereal. Poor lad, what must he have thought of her and I think it is safe to say he is never coming to visit me again.

That won't do him any good as next year my sister is coming to school! I can imagine now, her following him everywhere and Charlie just losing it and being awkward. She didn't even mind when all he did was talk about Dragons to her so you have to know she is not easy to get rid of!

—

To go back to the most important thing...exams! I woke up on a beautiful Sunday in May and I couldn't wait to go down for breakfast and see my friends rolling their eyes as I mention the exams. I know I was nagging them and that they have been sick of me doing so since our First Year but I know that they secretly appreciate it because otherwise, I don't know what grades they would have.

I decided to be more cautious with Tonks this year. She has started asking me questions about Herbology just a few days ago and perhaps she is ready to study. I am so proud of her and how well she is doing in Herbology! Which, sadly, I can't say for Tulip, me, or Nova so Tonks will get the satisfaction of teaching us again!

This time around I have decided that I will find a different way to force them to study. I have stayed up all night for the past two days so that I could make them all notes on the subjects I knew they needed them for. I got out of bed and checked my bag, just to make sure I had everything ready. I went through notes for Nova, Tulip, Tonks, Charlie, Jae, and Andre, of course, and I had Bill's Potions notes as well as I am sure he will appreciate them.

I know it was nothing unusual for me that I was excited about exams but this year has been extra special because it meant I would be able to spend more time with Andre.

Since he first invited me to Hogsmeade for a Butterbeer, we have done so 7 times, which is such a magical number! I loved how I could talk to him about everything and I kind of understood Nova being such good friends with Charlie except that I am not sure if she fancies him or not. I still don't know who her crush is!

On our fifth unofficial Butterbeer date, he invited me for a stroll around Hogsmeade. We were looking at shop displays and talked about our Third Year when we all came here for the first time. We went to Honeydukes and he bought us some candy which I thought was really sweet because I love candy!

What was even sweeter was when we went back to school and just as we were going to pass the Courtyard our hands brushed together and he gently grabbed mine and our fingers entwined. I can't even start to describe how much I blushed and my heart was racing like never before. I still haven't told my friends about it and for the first time I wanted to keep it to myself. At least, until Andre and I talk about it, for which there is no rush!

Besides helping my friends and spending time with them, having my head in the clouds or reading, I have been spending most of my time down in the Dungeons in the Potions classroom. I thought Snape was joking when he wanted me to stay one day after class and told me that perhaps I wasn't a complete failure which in his language meant I was brilliant!

And when I thought that nothing can get better than getting a compliment from Snape he told me that if I wanted to use the classroom to study Potions on my own, I could do so. I was about to explode, however, I tried hiding my excitement from Snape as I knew he could take back his offer immediately. And that's not everything! He also said that I could use ingredients from his own personal closet. As long as I don't overuse them or use them to brew potions that could get me in trouble and I had to give him the list of the ingredients I used every time we had Potions. If that isn't a dream come true I don't know what is!

—

Back to my Sunday morning! I put the notes back in my bag and rushed to the Great Hall where all of my friends were having breakfast.

“Oh, no.” Said Tulip when she saw me. “I know that look.” She frowned.

“Yes.” I said and slammed my bag on the table. “It is time for me to start nagging you about exams.”

Tonks, as expected, stood up and left the Great Hall. Charlie started to pretend he was snoozing on Nova's shoulder, which made her giggle. If those two weren't just the most adorable thing you can ever see!

Tulip hid under the table and Jae followed her. Can't wait for their first official date!

“Come on! She lasted almost the whole year without talking about exams. Give the girl some credit.” Nova chuckled.

“Thank you, Nova!” I started taking notes out of my bag. “Now, I think you are old enough to be responsible for your own grades so I am just going to say this: the exams are coming, beware, and here is everything you will need to pass.” Charlie lifted his head, intrigued.

“Wait, this is all you are going to do this year?” Asked Jae, still under the table.

“Yes.” I sat down and put my head under it.

“No nagging us every single day?” Charlie asked, perplexed.

“No nagging.” I grinned. Nova narrowed her eyes but said nothing.

“Oh, and I almost forgot, if anyone does want to study together, I'll be in the Library most of the time.” I offered.

“Is Andre going to be there?” I looked under the table and Tulip was making a kissy face.

“Yes, he already asked me for help with Potions and History of Magic.” I showed her my tongue and got back up.

“Oh, then we wouldn't want to interrupt.” Nova winked at me.

“Yeah, we don't want to disturb you when you are gazing deep into one another's eyes.” Charlie widened his eyes as much as he could and blinked at me. Nova chuckled.

“Ha-ha, how mature of you!” I crossed my arms on my chest and stuck out my tongue again. We all started laughing.

—

What wasn't funny was the fact that just a week after exams started, I couldn't find Tonks anywhere. As every year since the First Year fiasco, we have all been keeping an eye on her. Last year she did pretty well, the year before that wasn't so bad either and this year she wasn't showing any signs of being nervous or running away.

I went down to the Great Hall and found Tulip and Jae studying out of the Kitchens for once. I asked them if they saw Tonks and they shook their head. They offered to search for her and we split up. I went to all the courtyards and down to the Lake where I found Charlie and Nova practicing Defense Against the Dark Arts spells with Bill. Nova almost stupefied me.

They haven't seen Tonks either and at this point, I was getting worried. They said they will start searching for her as well and we agreed to meet in the Great Hall in 15 minutes.

Just as Charlie, Nova, and Bill appeared on the one side of the corridor, Tulip and Jae did on the other one. They searched the Library and the Owlery and she wasn't there. I went back to our Common Room just in case she came back but wasn't there either. At this point, we all started to panic. We even went knocking on Filch's door to see if she accidentally locked herself in while trying to prank him. When he opened the door, we each ran in different directions while Filch was shouting something after us.

We were all sitting in the Courtyard, thinking of places we haven't looked at yet. We thought of the Greenhouses and the Transfiguration classroom but when Nova and Charlie went to check, she wasn't there. We felt defeated. We were so good for 3 years and now she slipped right between our fingers.

Suddenly, Nova, who was laying on Charlie's jacket, having her head on his legs, rose.

“Yes? What did you remember?” Tulip and I said together. We all got closer to her.

“Hogsmeade! This is the first official year where we can come and go from Hogsmeade as we please.” She talked so quickly that I needed a moment to follow.

“That is brilliant!” I beamed at her. We all got up at once and started making our way there.

We practically burst into the Three Broomsticks and there she was!

“Tonks!” We all called her name at the same time and also turned every single pair of eyes in the Three Broomsticks on us.

“Bloody hell!” Tonks rolled her eyes. We sat next to her.

“Tonks, what is going on?” Nova asked placing her hand on Tonks' back.

“I'm panicking again. Don't want to study and I won't!” She looked directly at me. “So don't try to persuade me, it won't work!”

“But you are doing so good with your exams so far. Only three to go.” Tulip tried cheering her up.

“Nope. Do not care. Not doing it.” Tonks shook her head.

“What are you so afraid of?” Charlie was asking a good question.

“Of failure. I don't want to be like Andre to study all Summer long because I wasn't smart enough to pass the exam.” She buried her face in her hands.

“Failing an exam doesn't make you stupid. It can happen to anyone.” Everybody turned to me as I am positive they couldn't believe that came out of my mouth. I just wanted to defend Andre.

“Right, says the smartest witch in school.” Tonks talked through her hands, her head still in them.

“I know what would cheer you up.” Beamed Tulip. “Let's take you to Zonko's and you can get anything you want on us.” We all nodded and that gave me another idea.

“You lot go to Zonko's while Charlie and I go make her a Calming Draught. I think that would make her feel better.” Nova and Charlie, however, bestowed me with a confused look.

“Why me? I want to go to Zonko's too.” Charlie asked.

“And you want to fly on a Dragon, we know.” I playfully rolled my eyes. He blinked at me. “I feel like I spent the least time with you this year and I want to catch up.” Which was true but that was not the main reason why I wanted to get him alone. We might not be close and come to think of it, I don't think we were ever really alone together except perhaps on rare occasions at breakfast. The real reason why I wanted him to go with me was because I needed to ask him something.

Now the whole lot was looking at me like I was losing my mind, not just Charlie. Nova then giggled and shrugged her shoulders at him, indicating that she has no idea what I am up to. They finally gave up on questioning me and I dragged Charlie to the Dungeons.

I told him which ingredients he should bring while I prepared the scales and the cauldron. We were brewing the potion in complete silence for at least 20 minutes. I only spoke when I needed a certain ingredient or when I needed him to get something for me.

“Charlie?” I finally spoke as I knew the potion needed to brew without stirring for 15 minutes.

“Yes?” I couldn't help but giggle at the sound of his frightened voice.

“I was meaning to ask you something since the beginning of this year but I never got the chance.” At this point, I swear I could hear his heartbeat.

“I know it's not really my business and we're not that close,” I continued, “and if you don't feel like answering the question, you don't have to.” Charlie glanced at the door and back to me. He had to be terrified, thinking what was I going to ask him, poor lad.

“Do you like Nova?” He stiffened.

“Of course, I like Nova. She's my best friend.” He tried to sit more upright to make me think he was completely oblivious about what I asked him.

“Charlie, you know what I mean.” I sat next to him and rested my chin on my fist. “Do you fancy Nova?” His cheeks turned so red that I could barely see his freckles.

“N-no.” He stuttered.

“Say it one more time and I'll believe you.” I winked.

“No.” He repeated and cleared his throat.

“Okay, whatever you say. Just know that it's okay to talk about it, that's why I wanted you to come with me. I have been watching you since you were with us in August. The way you were looking at her. Admiring her every move. Snapping out of your imagination every time someone spoke to you. Getting your cheeks red every time she walked into the room.”

“Is it that obvious?” He bowed his head.

“A little bit.” I giggled. “But I think I am the only one who noticed and your secret is safe with me.” I patted his shoulder.

“I could imagine that you needed some time to realize what was going on?” I asked after a few seconds of silence. He nodded.

“And you probably didn't talk this through with anyone?” He nodded again.

“Well, now is your chance to talk about it.” I gave out a friendly smile. “When did you realize you have feelings for her?”

“That night we sneaked into the Forbidden Forest.” Wow, he was really oblivious.

“And how does that make you feel?” I tried to catch his eyesbut he kept avoiding mine.

“Terrible.” He sighed. “I don't want to have these feelings. I don't want to be red in the face whenever she's around. I don't want to feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest and I definitely don't want to do anything about it.” He frowned.

“I understand. I was in a similar situation last year.” He looked me in the eyes for the first time.

“Who did you fancy last year?” I blushed and knew I made a mistake. I was not prepared to tell him that I had a crush on his big brother.

“Nobody you'd know.” I lied. “Listen, Charlie. What you are feeling is completely normal. It happens to everybody when we get to this age.”

“Well, I don't want it happening to me. I have more important things to do.” He got mad.

“Like read about Dragons?” I chuckled. “Exactly!” He grinned.

“You can read about Dragons, study Dragons, work with Dragons, fly with Dragons for all I care and you can still fancy someone and hold hands.” I winked.

“Woah, woah! Hold hands? Didn't you hear what I said?” He got defensive. “I don't wish or plan to act on it.”

“Oh, I heard you. I just chose to ignore you.” I pursed my lips.

“Perhaps you might not want to do anything about it now, but in a few years you might feel ready to do something about it.” I ruffled his hair. Nova was right, it is soft.

“A few years?” He jumped on his chair. “It's not going to last that long!”

“Whatever you say. It might, it might not.” I shrugged.

“I can't do anything about it, Penny. She's my best friend. You're not supposed to feel like that about your best friend. It ruins everything.” He gave out a deep sigh.

“I know that's probably the main reason you needed so long to figure it out and I understand that you think this might ruin your friendship with Nova but just imagine holding her hand.” I closed his eyes with my fingers. “Are you going to deny that you don't secretly want to do that?”

“I do.” He buried his head in his hands and let out a little cry.

“It's okay if you feel you're not ready to do anything about it, just don't deny your feelings because it only makes them stronger.” I lifted his chin.

“Penny, something that you are forgetting is that I don't know if she feels the same way.” He leaned over the table, his palm making a hole in his cheek.

“Look at how long it took you to realize you fancied her. For all we know, she might just be as oblivious as you.” I winked at him and he bestowed me with a little smile.

“Thank you for talking to me, Penny. I do feel better knowing I am not alone in this.” He hugged me. He was just the most adorable thing ever!

“No problem, Charlie. And if you ever need to talk about it just say that you have a Potions question.” I giggled. “It will be our little secret.”

Once we finished our heart to heart and our potion we hurried back to Hogsmeade and made Tonks drink it at once. The lot already calmed her down a bit, her carrying two large bags filled with Zonko's products. Charlie and I couldn't help but laugh.

We kept an extra eye on her for the rest of the week until the exams were finished and just like that, we saved Tonks yet again as she passed all her exams and to be completely honest, didn't do that bad on them either!

[theangelssecondwing]

Chapter 16

The party ended fairly quickly after what happened. I clung to Sephiroth, my head lowered, and tried to block out the judgemental stares of the other guests. Just waiting for the evening to be over. Then I would have to explain to Sephiroth what the plan was and see what he had to say to that.

It was all going so fast. Before I knew it, I sat on the backseat of Rufus‘ private limousine, looking out into the darkness of the city through tinted windows.

„So what is that plan you‘ve been talking about?“, Sephiroth finally asked.

I bit my lip and looked over to Rufus, who kept his eyes on the road. He had chosen not to let his chauffeur drive us because he was on President Shinra‘s payroll and thus couldn‘t be trusted. „You‘re going to get married.“

„Wait, what?“ Sephiroth looked from me to Rufus and back again. „That‘s more than just a bit sudden.“

„I‘m sorry“, I sighed. „Rufus said it would be a good idea to get legally married. Just to cover our bases. So he‘s taking us to the courthouse.“ I bit my lip and met his gaze. „You don‘t have to… do this, if you don‘t want to.“

Sephiroth was quiet for a long moment before answering:„I want to. I just wish the circumstances were better.“

„Me too.“ I leaned my head on his shoulder and entwined my hand with his. „I mean I never wanted a big wedding. But something small and intimate with our friends there to celebrate with us...“

He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles. „We‘ll have a proper wedding reception once all of this is over. Once Genesis is safe and we‘ve got Shinra off our backs. I promise.“ Then he paused. „...We don‘t even have rings.“

„You don‘t even have to see it as a wedding if you don‘t want to“, Rufus reminded us. „Though it will legally count as one.“

I bit my lip. Damn, I must have sounded really ungrateful to him. „I‘m so sorry, Rufus.“

„It‘s okay. I know that this whole situation is far from ideal.“ And finally, he stopped the car in front of the courthouse. „I‘ve made some calls during the party. The people inside have been informed. All you really need to do is to say ‚I do‘ and sign the paperwork.“

We got out of the car and Rufus walked ahead. I wanted to follow, but Sephiroth held me back. „Wait. There‘s something I need to tell you. Before we… ‚Say I Do and sign the paperwork‘, as Rufus put it.“ He looked slightly uncomfortable, his eyes darting around and focussing on anything but me. „I probably should have told you earlier. I don‘t know if it would have changed anything, but you deserve to know.“

„About what?“, I asked.

He sighed, taking my hands in his. „Do you remember how I told you that I had a few flings in my teens?“

„Yes, I remember.“

Sephiroth looked off to the side. „...Justine was one of those flings. That‘s why she is even more obsessed with me than the… average obsessed fan. I made it absolutely clear to her that it was just a single night. I told her that before sleeping with her, in no uncertain terms. And once we were done, she started talking about marriage. How amazing and special it was to her, and so on and so forth. And in what was admittedly not my best moment, I just got up and walked out on her while she was mid-sentence.“

I looked into his eyes. „Why are you telling me this now?“

„Because we are about to be legally bound to each other. And I don‘t want there to be any secrets between us. Especially if the secrets in question caused you to be aussaulted several times. And I hope it doesn‘t make you think any less of me.“

„Well. As you said. Not your best moment. But we all made mistakes when we were teenagers. And she is the one who tried to force a relationship despite you not being interested. You set the necessary boundaries, and she chose to try and ignore them.“

Sephiroth smiled and kissed me. „Come on. We don‘t want to be late to our own wedding.“

Rufus was already impatiently tapping his foot when we finally entered the courthouse. „What took you so long? Did you get cold feet?“

„No“, Sephiroth replied. „We just had to set the record straight on something.“ Rufus looked at us for a moment and then sighed. „Alright then.“

The officiant, a pleasant looking woman in her forties, approached us. „Ms. Hunter and Mr…. Uh… Sephiroth… your guests are already waiting. If you would please follow me...“

She brought us into a small room that was almost entirely filled by a big table. Two seats were decorated with candles,  rose petals and a beautifully decorated pen to sign the paperwork with; so that‘s where we sat down. Zack, Angeal and Yui sat a few seats away from us, their smiles looking slightly strained. I noticed that there was an empty chair between Yui and Angeal, and before I could ask about it, the door to the room opened and Genesis stepped in as if he hadn‘t gone rogue and attacked the Shinra building just a month ago. He took the seat between Yui and Zack, his wing folded so it wasn‘t in the way, and crossed his arms. His hair was now entirely white, and his skin looked like cracked marble. Pale and brittle. But he was smiling, and so was Yui. „Sorry for being late. I had to make sure nobody saw me.“

Sephiroth chuckled. „It‘s good to have you here, Genesis.“

The officiant, who had stared at our last arriving guest with horror for a moment, delicately cleared her throat. „Well, as you all know, we are gathered here today to join Ms. Cora Hunter and Mr. Sephiroth, to allow them to become the family they wish to be, in the eyes of the law and the people. To be each other‘s safe haven, to be bound in both love and duty, to grow and enrich each other‘s lives. So I now ask you: Do you, Cora Hunter, take Sephiroth as your lawfully wedded husband?“

I tried to remind myself that this was just for safety and we weren‘t going to treat it like a marriage. But I choked up and whispered a barely audible:„I do.“

„Sephiroth, do you take Cora Hunter to be your lawfully wedded wife?“

He looked over to me, a small smile tugging at his lips. „I do.“

The officiant slid the necessary paperwork over to us. „Then please sign this with the surname you intend to use as a married couple.“ She smiled. „And you can of course feel free to kiss your bride.“

Sephiroth grabbed the pen provided and wrote „Sephiroth Hunter“ at the bottom of the sheet. Then he slid it over to me. I stared at his signature for a moment. Right, why hadn‘t I thought of this before? Sephiroth technically didn‘t have a surname, so he kind of had to take mine, now that we were…. Married.

I took a deep breath, signed with my full name and then slid the papers over to Rufus so he could sign as a witness. And once I had done so, Sephiroth cupped my cheek and guided me into a gentle kiss.

„I love you.“

„I love you too.“

The officiant cleared her throat once more. „I wish you all the best for your future together. Whatever it may look like.“

I took a deep, relieved breath once we got out of the courthouse. Then I turned to Genesis. „I‘m so glad you came, Genesis.“

„There is no way I would miss Sephiroth‘s wedding. Though I must say it pretty anticlimactic. I kind of imagined a wedding between a the great hero Sephiroth and a member of Midgar‘s upper crust to be a bit more… lavish. And involve a lot of planning.“

I sighed and looked at our gathered freinds. „I think we should give Genesis a bit of a summary of what happened these last few days.“

„We can do that on our way out of the city“, Rufus said and ushered all of us towards the car. „I‘ve already made all of the necessary preparations, and we can‘t risk going back and being caught by my father‘s goons. Pretty sure he already figured out what we were planning.“

„What about my dad?“, I asked again. „He‘s still in the Shinra building, right? What if they decide hold him hostage?“

„Your father is alright“, Rufus replied. „I already had someone pick him up and take him somewhere where my father won‘t find him that quickly. I promised to keep him safe, didn‘t I? Now you just have to repay me by keeping yourself safe. That‘s the whole point of all of this. Now get in the car.“

[eightinyz]

1. Painful Revenge ↦ Choi San Mafia!au

Pairing: Choi San x Reader (female)

Genre: fluff (only a little), angst, mafia!au (non celeb)

Warnings: some swearing, violence

Words: 3,1k

Summary: You’re a young law student who are happily dating the handsome San. Everything seemed to go perfectly well, until his 20th birthday.

A/N: The beginning of the story is set in Summer 2019, just before San’s 20th birthday.

It’s a pretty basic story line, but hope you’ll still like it.

There’s not much going on in this part but we have to go through it to set the story. And I’ve already wrote several parts, so please wait for them :)

Overall, just wanted to try a new thing; I’m not stopping the female additions. I wrote this scenario several months ago, but without a main male idol in mind. San’s the lucky chosen one :) 

+ If there are any incoherences or spelling mistakes, please let me know.

Early mornings were always difficult, no matter how many times you had to wake up at that painful hour. You always blamed your boyfriend for keeping you up late every night, but who could stop him when he’s talking with so much passion about his days.

The sun wasn’t even up yet when you had to get out of your warm bed. As you slowly open your tired eyes, a smile appeared on your face. You were in a spooning position, your boyfriend’s face buried in your neck, his eyelashes tickling you softly. You groaned, why did it have to be so hard to leave this bed? His arm around your waist and your legs entangled didn’t help. With the little strength left in your body, you tried to lift San’s arm, doing your best to not wake him up, but as soon as he felt the pressure, his grip tightened again. He wasn’t being helpful at all. 

After finally managing to get out of bed, for your boyfriend’s –and yours- misfortune, you hopped in the shower, hoping the cold water would wake you up. As you put your alarm in order to sleep as much as possible, without being late, you didn’t really had time to put much effort in your outfit or makeup. Thankfully, you already had many of your stuff at your boyfriend’s house.

The day passed by slowly, as always. Hopefully, it was almost the summer holidays. You loved what you were studying -law school- but days like that made you question your choices. It was around 3pm when your last course finished. After saying your goodbyes to your friends, you make your way to the nearest coffee shop, where your boyfriend messaged you to meet him up; it was the place you would always met, close to yours and his school.

San was scrolling through his social networks when you came, looking a little livelier than in the morning. “I though I was going to fall asleep throughout the day.”, you exclaimed, giving a quick kiss to your boyfriend and sitting down in front of him. 

San smirked. “I’ll try my best to not get too carried away next time.”. What a lie, you though smiling, rolling your eyes. 

You two continued your small talk in one of the coffee shop’s corner –your corner- when a waiter came to take your order. “Two mocha Frappuccino with extra chocolate topping please.”. You gazed your boyfriend lovingly, smiling at the memory.

“One mocha Frappuccino with extra chocolate topping!”. Finally, your order. You were waiting at the take-and-go section to take your drink and go back to your studying; it was finals week, and you had to ace them to be able to go to the university of your choice. 

As you were approaching the waitress, ready to take your cold drink, a man took it from the woman’s hands before you. “Hey, that’s mine!”. The stress and exhaustion the late nights of studying caused made you very irritable, thus this retort. 

“What do you mean? That’s mine”, the man retorted. 

“That’s MY mocha Frappuccino WITH extra chocolate topping.”. The waitress had to stop your little beefing explaining that there were two same orders, as surprising as it sound. 

“You can have it; you seem in a hurry.  I’ll wait for the next one.”, the boy handed you the drink, flashing you a smirk. 

“Thanks.”, you said not even caring to return the smile. If it wasn’t finals week, you would have been nicer, but well, who cared?

It seemed that you were meant to meet each other as you saw him several times at the coffee shop. At your third time there, you were reading a book at one of the shop’s corner. After an hour enjoying your reading, the mysterious and generous handsome boy entered the place with two of his friends, laughing loudly. Seating not too far from you, you had the chance to finally pay attention to his stunning features. He caught your stare after a few minutes, showing you his dimpled smile. San, being the cute and shy flirt he is, came a little later to introduce himself –not without the help of his friends; according to them, he didn’t have the courage to come to you at that time. That’s how this coffee shop, and especially this corner, was your place. It was the start of your story.

“You look really tired, babe.”. San laughed bringing you back from your daydream. “I promise I will let you sleep tonight.”, he continued. 

“Well, tomorrow is a special day so we have to be good shape.”, you said excitedly, reminding him of the following day’s event. 

“I’m really not sure who’s birthday it is looking at you.”, your boyfriend giggled. 

“Speaking of birthday, we still have to buy some stuff for the party, let’s go!”, you get on your feet, taking San’s arm in the process, dragging him with you.

Loud music could be heard in the neighborhood, signaling the source of it. It was San’s 20th birthday and you almost made it a duty to make the best party for your boyfriend, in his parents’ house –manor-. The guests were both of your close friends, especially his. The fact that you had the house for yourself wasn’t really a big surprise, as you only met his parents a few times. Actually, you never met his mother, apparently she’s abroad getting treatment for some sort of rare disease. You never asked further, not wanting to pain San more. His father is a business man, also according to your boyfriend. He would always change subjects whenever you asked more about him, so again, no more questions were asked. 

“How’s law school going, lawyer?”, Hongjoong asked, taking a sip of his alcoholic drink. 

“Hopefully, I have my summer break next week ‘cause I’m totally hammered. Your lovely friend loves to keep me awake till early mornings.”, you answered. 

Friends around you snickered, twisting your words. “Boys, cut it, it’s not what she meant.”, San said, still with his signature smirking. Red rushed to your face as you finally understood the reason of their giggles. 

The night went by strangely. Some of San’s friends seemed to appear and disappear throughout the evening. His closest friends’ whispered around a lot but whenever you got close to them, they will stop all talking and smile to you. Nothing new. Well, it has been like this for a little over a year now.

You started to search for your boyfriend when it was close to midnight; it was time for his cake and some birthday presents. You couldn’t find him anywhere on the first floor so you made your way to the stairs. On the second step, a hand stopped you holding onto you arm. “Y/N! How are you doing?”. Even after not hearing much of him the past year, you knew exactly who he was. Seonghwa. 

“What are you doing here?”, you asked a little agressively. 

“San invited me.”, he answered. “Come on, let’s talk.”

You followed the tall boy to the kitchen; or more like got dragged. He poured himself a glass of whiskey and proposed one to you; you refused. “Whiskey? Really? Since when do you drink?”. He didn’t answer. He was once part of your ‘we don’t need alcohol to have fun’ group –more like a duo-, but it was from the past apparently. “A lot of other things changed too.”, you whispered. 

You missed him. You were very close to him for a really long time now, even before meeting your boyfriend. But somehow, he drastically distanced himself, to the point where you haven’t seen him for eight to nine months. 

“So how have you been?”, he asked, trying to change subject. 

“Funny question coming from you. You’re the one who practically disappeared for a year.”. You were about to leave him there but he stopped you again. 

“Y/N, please let me explain myself.”, he pleaded, still a strong grip on your arm. 

“What could really be the reason of your disappearance? For a whole damn year, Seonghwa.”, you asked rolling your eyes, quickly getting exasperated. 

“I can’t tell you why but.. you just need to know that, if it was up to me, I wouldn’t have.”

You frowned, “what do you mean Seonghwa?” 

“You will know soon, don’t wo-” 

“Y/N! I’ve been looking for you!”, San exclaimed, cutting his friend’s sentence. “Come on, let’s dance!” 

What the hell was going on?

“Where were you? Upstairs?”, you asked after San pushed you to the living room. 

“Yeah, just went to the bathroom.” Lie. You knew your boyfriend long enough to know that he wasn’t telling the truth. 

“What’s going on San, what’s Seonghwa doing here?”, the main room was packed with sweaty and drunk youngsters, some were dancing in the middle, others were chilling with a beverage. 

“I thought people deserved second chances.” You were even more confused. You took a step back from your boyfriend, his arms initially around your waist, slid to your hips. Frowning, you stared at San’s eyes, trying to decipher him. 

This night seemed so long, and you were completely lost.

He pressing a sloppy kiss to your lips, and continued sensually, “Come on, let’s keep dancing. Did I tell you how incredibly pretty you look tonight?”

The next morning, you woke up with a strong headache; you still managed to find yourself in this kind of state, without even a drop of alcohol. “The music must have been too loud.”, you thought. After blinking a few times, trying to adjust to the lightning –might have forgot to close the curtains-, you inspected your surrounding. You were in your boyfriend’s bed –it was way to comfortable to be yours-, but no sign of his presence. Last night was a big blur. 

“Don’t speak too loud, she might hear!”, San whisper-shouted, getting your attention. The house seemed pretty empty and quiet; his voice echoing through it, reaching you easily.

“Don’t worry, with the strength of the drug I gave her, she’ll be knocked out for a few more hours.”, a man whose voice you didn’t recognized answered. 

What drug? Who was downstairs? Hongjoong? 

“What do you mean drug? What the fuck have you done! I told you not to touch her. I swear, if some-”. San sounded furious. 

“You were the one who didn’t want to tell her! She didn’t hear much but she was about to, and even deeper stuff, you know what would have been left to do if it did happen.” You didn’t hear any answer from San, only a deep sigh. 

You decided to slowly go downstairs, but as you always say to your boyfriend, you’re not lucky; the third step from the floor squeaked under your weight. You mentally swore to your boyfriend’s parents for having such an old place as home.

“Y/N!”, San exclaimed, “You’re awake? How are you?”, your concerned boyfriend bombarded you with questions. 

“I’m good.” Your answer was short, your head still pounding. There was no doubt about your eavesdropping as you looked around the room, peering everyone. Although, no one knew how much you heard or the meaning of the conversation. 

“I want to go home San.”

“I- Y- Okay, I’ll drop you off.”, he answered, defeated.

You didn’t know what was going on, but, the only thing you wanted right now was some meds and a good nap.

The drive home was silent. San knew you heard their talking, but he didn’t know how much you did, and he couldn’t bring himself to ask you. Arriving to your house, he pulled up on the parking place. He was leaning to give you a kiss when you turn your head to the door, his lips landing on your cheek. “I need to rest San; it was a long night.” Without letting him answer, you quickly got out of the car not saying another word. 

“You’re back, love? How was it?”, your mom was in kitchen, probably cooking lunch. Your dog came to you, rubbing himself to your legs, wanting some of your attention. 

“Great.”, you answered shortly, petting your blue-eyed husky. “How are you Loki, all good?”, your dog barked giving you his positive answer.

Taking off your heels, you followed your mom’s delicious food’s smell to the kitchen, where she welcomed you with a warm smile. “You look exhausted. I’m almost done with lunch, go take a shower, let’s eat and take a nap.”. That suggestion was the best thing you heard today. 

“Where’s dad?”, you asked taking a bite of the dish your mom was cooking. 

“He went to work earlier than usual this morning. He’s very busy nowadays.”, your mom answered, pushing your sneaky hand away from the food.

The small nap you wanted to take turned into a full day sleep - outside pitch dark; and you still felt tired at your awakening. You had to sit down on your bed for several minutes to get back to your normal self. You looked at your phone for the time and got taken back when seeing a missed call from a good friend of yours, Hansol. He used to go to the arts university across your law school but moved across the country last year. You were about to call him back; you didn’t really had the chance to talk with him since then; when some noise downstairs caught your attention. Like earlier, you went down silently, trying to hear the conversation. It was sin day apparently.

“What do you mean, you have to repay them? Repay who? What for? What did you do?”, you recognized your mother’s panicked voice. 

“I needed money back in the time, you know, for the business.” 

“I thought Hyunggu gave it to you, that’s what you told me!”, your mom whispered, probably trying to not wake you up. Your dad was apparently owing some money. You heard about the loan, but like your mom, you thought it was from your father’s friend. 

“Who is them?”, your mother anxiously asked the main question, afraid of her husband’s answer.

“They’re not really the nicest persons…”

“I can’t believe it, how did you?”, your mother gasped, taking deep breathes, probably trying to calm herself. “How bad are they?”, she continued. “Wait, don’t answer, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to hear it right now.”

“I don’t know, I was desperate.”, he paused, “I’m truly sorry. Really. I would have know.”, his voice shook, “I truly don’t know what to do anymore. We don’t have any time left.”

Today wasn’t your lucky day –or it was just a message from above telling you that eavesdropping wasn’t good- because your phone rang just after your father last sentence. You quickly looked at your screen –San-, put your phone on silence, and went to the kitchen, where your parents were.

“Are you hungry, love? You didn’t eat anything today.”, you mother spoke awkwardly, changing the subject. Her attempt to look normal was painful. 

“I made your favorite.”, she forced a smile on her face. 

“I’ll take some.”, you answered. “Hi dad, how was work today?” You sat down cross-legged on the chair in front of your dad.

“Tiring like always, but good.”, your father avoided your gaze, sipping his late night tea –he needed it to sleep well, probably even more nowadays. 

“There you go, honey.”, your mother placed your plate in front of you. The rest of the dinner went on like ‘normal’, your mother tried small talks with you.

You father owned a small restaurant not too far from the university you go, the business working pretty well as students go there after school ends. Several years ago, you almost went bankrupt as your restaurant caught fire, burning more that 80% of the construction. The insurance, not paying much, and your family, not owning much more money, your father almost had to drop everything. But thanks to his friend, Hyunggu, you managed to rebuild everything. Well, apparently, according to the conversation before, it wasn’t his friend that lend him the money.

You lied down on your bed as you thought deeply about the many questions. Those past two days has been long. Very long. Your heard too many things, but nothing concrete, everything was ambiguous. You still had no idea how you ended up in your boyfriend’s bed this morning, especially in that condition. And now with your parents. 

You always had a simple and mundane life and this was too much for you. All you had to care about –till now- was just basic teenager things; health, parents, dog, boyfriend, school. The things that happened to you since last night were above your ability. It was just too much to think about.  

Your phone rang yet again, pulling you out of your thoughts. San. You sighed and picked it up, “Hey.”

“Hey, everything alright? I called you all day.”, San’s voice was hushed, as if he was trying to not be heard. 

“Yeah, I just took a long nap, wasn’t feeling good.”

“Can I come to see you?”, he tried to asked, voice quiet. 

“I’m really tired San, and I have school tomorrow.” It wasn’t really a lie, but you only had an hour long course at the beginning of the afternoon.

“I have to see you.”, he halted, “I need to see you. Please.” He sounded so desperate, it wasn’t like him. 

You thought a second; he didn’t seem to be in his normal state and it was starting to concern you. “I’ll wait. Be quick.” 

He signed in relief, “I’ll be there in a minute.”

You went downstairs, being careful not to make much noise as your father went to sleep a little before. “Mom, San’s passing by, I’ll wait for him outside.”, you announced before going out. Your mother was in the kitchen, taking some of her meds. She was getting ready to go to bed as well. It was around 11pm and the sun was already down for a little while now, the hot weather replaced by a cool breeze.

San arrived only a couple of minutes after. He looked slumped, and exhausted. “I love you.”, he whispered sliding his arms around you forcefully. Your position was quite awkward as your arms were along your body, and his tightly around you. He gently kissed your neck, breaking your previous façade. 

“What’s wrong San-ie? What’s going on?”, you tried. He only hugged you tighter; if it was even possible. Soft sobs and shaking put you in an alarming state. “San, look at me.”, you gently pushed him, trying to make eye contact with him. “What the hell is going on? Tell me.” 

“I can’t, I can’t.”, his eyes were also avoiding your gaze.

“San, please.”, you begged, placing your right hand on his cheek and forcing him to look at you. 

“Not now, Y/N. I can’t, ju- just wait. Please.”, San only pleaded with teary eyes. “I’m going to explain everything to you, but please, just wait a little. I promise you. It’s going to be alright.” He cupped your face and pulled you in a messy kiss. 

“Give me some time, hmm?”, he hummed sorely after pulling away. 

You gave him an imploring look, “I trust you.”. It was your turn to cup his face and kiss him. 

“I love you, don’t doubt that.” 

The situation you were in was even more ambiguous now. Something was wrong for sure, but you trusted your boyfriend. You had to. You’ll have to tame your curious side and wait for his explanation. It couldn’t be anything too bad, right?

San left quickly after your emotional meeting, but not without a last kiss.

I 2 I

[danielxrk]

     ✞ ED SHEERAN (+ ORIGINAL RAP) *   ANTISOCIAL       ( you know that i'll be back, terminator of the 8-track )

he tells woojin first.

 his hands shake when he texts him and he's afraid, even though he knows woojin won't be mad about this (he won't, will he? why would he be mad?)

 he knows woojin won't be mad about this. he talked to woojin-- finally told him some of what plagued his mind ever since he and kenta received their contracts on that stage in front of a live audience, and ever since daniel bawled his eyes out in front of a live audience. he told him how bad he felt for leaving him and kenta alone after getting them into the mgas in the first place, how he wished he could've been better so he could've joined them. ironically, woojin essentially told daniel his own motto: nothing was guaranteed, even if they did win. still, daniel vowed to work hard to follow he and kenta into their new world, and after some hesitance and skepticism, woojin told him to do it.

 so he has been, with woojin's permission, and now he has an audition to make it into the company he might've had their team won-- had all of them gotten contracts like trc's team did when they won (aside from minho, of course.)

 he finally wants it. he wants it so badly that he's even been working on his dancing, just a little. he is so tired of his life as it is. he doesn't want to make coffee and study economics every day, bass guitar and lyrics in the memo app on his phone the only thing to save him. even with practicing his dancing, however, he wondered how much of himself he needed to sacrifice for a company to want him, and if it would be worth it. he wondered if they would scoff at his guitar like the public did, and force him into a group that dances like they did on the mgas. he wondered if there was any chance at all that a company might want him for what he will always want in the end: a band.

 he came to terms with the fact that the answer to his last question would always be no; he decided it was worth it anyway. he could be anyone they wanted him to be, as he said in his very first interview for the mgas, before he discovered who he really was as a musician (as a person) over the course of the show, even if they didn't want him to. he had to be anyone they wanted him to be, and he could do it if it meant being with kenta and woojin again. (he tried not to think about how that essentially meant leaving minhyun and sungwoon behind. he tried not to think about the fact that they didn't want to become trainees, and that regardless of his dreams, they would never reunite on a stage again. he tried not to still have hope.)

 and then comes the empty enigma halloween cover, uploaded to daniel's youtube channel what he thought was under the radar in case kenta and woojin got in trouble for performing with the rest of the band in any way. then comes the call. then comes the we saw the recent video cover you posted on youtube and think you may fit the profile we’re looking for. then comes the audition.

 he scheduled the audition, all ecstatic and giddy. all he did in their cover was play bass and harmonize, as he always did in empty enigma. sphere wanted him because of something he did with empty enigma. maybe sphere wanted him for who he actually was, if that was what made them think he fit what they were looking for.

 but then comes you knew who i was on the mgas. why did you try to erase empty enigma and then do this? why did you make me think none of you could ever want me unless i was someone different?

 he tells woojin first. he tells jinwook second.

 truthfully, the potential of working on songs with jinwook is a dream. just being able to see him regularly feels something like a blessing, or it would be, since he hasn't succeeded yet. he feels lucky enough that he has the number of a convex member, let alone jinwook's, and that he actually wants to talk to him, but texting him isn't the same as talking to him in person, and the reliable and comforting presence he provided during the turbulence of the mgas.

 woojin and jinwook are more than enough reason to want to join a company, as is what he knows of sphere's schedule from his coaches. he was always torn between sphere and nova, and for as grateful he is, there's a little disappointment, too. maybe there will always be a part of him that wants to prove himself to hyun bin. maybe there will always be a part of him that wants to join kenta and haknyeon, his two very best friends, in their company.

 he tries not to think about it, and instead, focuses on preparing for his sphere audition-- but first, he has to tell kenta, sungwoon and minhyun.

 his feet trace the familiar way from his apartment to theirs around the time that kenta and woojin's schedules end, more because he wants to wish woojin a happy birthday in person and maybe give him an awkward hug than to share the news about his audition. he told woojin he wouldn't tell the others until tomorrow. daniel's ability to act and lie went significantly downhill now that he doesn't need to hide everything about himself, and woojin-- who didn't even really bother to lie about empty enigma in the first place --is even worse. naturally, they catch on to something being out of the ordinary, and it's minhyun that asks: "what's wrong?"

 "nothing!" daniel chirps, and he grins, but minhyun doesn't buy it, of course. "nothing is wrong," and his smile stays in place, this time sincere. he looks over at woojin, as if for approval, and woojin just stares back at him, offering no help whatsoever, so daniel inhales deeply before he says, words tumbling out quickly, one after another, "sphere gave me an audition because of the teeth cover."

 they're happy for him, kenta especially, but they all share his sentiments: why now? sungwoon seems the angriest on his behalf, even though he tries to hide it, and daniel isn't so stupid to think that's all there is to it. for now, he doesn't mention it. they all encourage him to go, no matter how they may really feel, and daniel smiles. suddenly, tears come to his eyes when he does, entirely out of the blue, entirely unexplained.

 maybe it's because if he makes it, it'll be the end of another chapter. maybe it's because he's afraid minhyun and sungwoon feel the same way daniel felt standing as the only empty enigma member on that finale stage without a contract. maybe's it's because it's only in this moment that he realizes he doesn't know why sphere picked him and not them. it's like they're back to daniel and his band, even as the frontman carrying their vocals, and minhyun with his voice good enough to be a lead singer himself. (maybe it's because a company wanting him again after a year just means that much.)

 he gets started on selecting a song right away, knowing how long it took him to settle on one for his nova audition this time last year, and how much he ended up regretting the one he selected for the next year. he knows he has to choose wisely, and there are several options he comes up with quickly.

 the easiest-- and perhaps wisest --route is to choose something already uploaded to his youtube channel or soundcloud. it would be something he already practiced, and he could pick the one he received the best feedback on, hoping whoever judged his audition would feel the same way. but is daniel one to take the easiest route? likely not.

 there is a certain song: one he intended to perform at the green ribbon festival before he and songhee decided to do a collaboration for it instead. it's a song he held back thus far, not posting anywhere because he felt self-conscious of it. it isn't because he thinks it's bad, but because the lyrical content and meaning behind it embarrasses him. it's the first song he wrote that's akin to a love song. he wrote it while sungwoon was in japan following the mgas; he played the guitar part for kenta, and minhyun likely heard enough of it when daniel hung out at their apartment, working on it, just so minhyun wouldn't be alone. in the end, he is proud of it, and it might be time for it to finally reach the ears of a real audience. maybe.

 another that might be appropriate: youngblood by five seconds of summer. it's the song daniel almost performed a year ago for his nova audition, practiced alongside the way i am by charlie puth until daniel eventually decided on the latter. it seems fitting now, after getting noticed for performing another five seconds of summer song, and maybe this way, he can put one what if to rest. maybe.

 those are the safe options-- the logical, rational options. of course, daniel still seeks out more. he could sing a worship song and throw it back to his first ever audition, and give god some more glory like he said he would in his prayer before the finale of the mgas. there are a few of those he's been wanting to cover (and one he already has.)

 he's been wanting to cover some of ed sheeran's collaboration album too, wanting to round up some mga friends to join him in the songs, but he hasn't gotten around to it between midterms and mild to moderate social anxiety. he could turn one of those into a solo song and maybe show off some of the range to his talents.

 god, he doesn't even really know if he wants to sing or rap yet.

 what matters most is what he wants to convey through this audition. who does he want to be?

 on sunday, follow church service, he prays, and he asks god that question and more.

 hi god. the past few days have been kind of crazy. thank you for the audition, first of all, even if i'm still confused about it, and what you really want for me. i guess that's not really mine to know, is it? i guess i'll find out.

 i think that's all i want to pray about today. you know i have a ton else going on that i need your help on, but i want to make sure i really focus on this and make sure i’m with you on it since it’s so important. this could really change my entire life.

 there’s a part of me that’s still scared. i don’t think i really like change at all, even when it’s good for me, and there’s been so much in the past year. it’s kind of crazy to think about. most of it has been good, and i’ve liked it, but…i don’t know about empty enigma breaking up. that might be a change that i never understand. i think kenta is happy as a trainee, but i don’t know if woojin is, and i don’t know what you’re doing with all of that sadness. i think i prayed, before the mga finale, like the only two options were me becoming a trainee and empty enigma breaking up or none of us getting contracts so we could all go back to the band. i think, even though i didn’t want to accept it, that i might understand why you did it. i think you still wanted me to be able to write and perform my own music, but didn’t want me to be cameo anymore. cameo wasn’t really the personification of jesus that i’m supposed to be, was he? i still don’t know if i’m doing such a good job of that as daniel. i understand why you did it, but i still don’t like it yet, so i guess i pray that…you would get me there.

 this audition might be a way of doing that, i think. it kind of feels like it, but you know…nothing is guaranteed. i think i keep saying that because i need to believe it more than anyone. i’m too optimistic and always get my hopes up, but at the same time, i always doubt and am always anxious about everything. how can i be both of those things at once? how can i feel like i might be good enough to get a contract this time, and be afraid everything will be ruined at the same time?

 i think i got off topic. honestly, i don’t really know what to ask anymore, after all of this. i think just for help. there’s a lot i don’t understand about why you’ve given me this now, and why you did in the way you did. if i thought it was cruel for sphere to give me an audition because of an empty enigma cover after breaking us as a band, then i must think you’re cruel for giving it to me too. i’m grateful, but…i’m also confused. it’s a little painful, too, but it’s nice to know baek jiyoung wanted me, and it’s nice that it’s sphere. i’ll trust you on why it’s sphere and not nova, and believe that if i get in, that’s just where you want me to be.

 if i don’t get in, it’ll mean you want me somewhere else, right? that’s easy enough now, but i think if i fail again i’ll be really upset, so i’ll pray that you make me okay with whatever result i get, and that i accept whatever your will is for me in this.

 i do pray that your will would be to let me get a contract from this…i think. i always feel stupid praying and asking to change your will, but that can happen, right? maybe? i know you’re supposed to listen to us, but…okay, right, i won’t get into that. focus.

 i really want to become a trainee for kenta and woojin, especially after i told woojin i would do my best to. at the same time, there’s part of me that doesn’t want to, because i’ll miss my friends. it’s not just sungwoon and minhyun i’d be leaving behind, but songhee and jungmo too, and all of the friends i made on the mgas that didn’t get signed, and everyone in between. then again, that seems kind of dramatic. it’s not like i’m moving to another country or anything, i’m just going to get really busy if i become a trainee. i’ll get off at a regular time for a job on the weekends, and i’ll still be able to hang out with everyone, even if it’s not as much. now that i’ve thought about it like that, i think it’s okay to want this. i think i want to become a trainee for me too.

 so yeah, i pray that i would, and that if you don’t want me to be now, or i’m still not ready, that…i would fail, i guess? i know whatever happens will be for the best in the end, even if it really sucks, so i’ll just trust that in the end.

 yeah, with all of that out the way, please help me prepare for this audition. i don’t really know what to perform and since i actually care about the result of this, i’m nervous. i want to pick the right song, both to show off my abilities so they like me, and to represent who i really am, and to be something i like. please help me do all of that, and i also pray that i would do well, and that this wouldn’t haunt me like my nova audition did, no matter what happens.

 i think that’s it? yeah, thank you for listening. i pray all of this in jesus’s name. amen.

 he waffles on song choices a while more, but finally settles on one on monday, which is much later than he wanted, but it’s fine! in the end, he chooses antisocial by ed sheeran. he wanted to show off an original song, and then he wanted to show off his rapping, and then—

 he decides he’ll write another original rap for the second verse where travis scott originally rap-sings (what do you classify that as, anyway?) this time, he does it in english, and it comes just as quickly as it did during the skill round of the mgas when he did the same. it was his favorite round of the mgas across the whole show. this is the way to show off his singing, his rapping, and his creativity. hopefully, it’ll show how his confidence has grown, too, since the song has a little spunk. he won’t be apologizing to the judges before he begins this time.

 as the days pass, and the audition comes nearer and nearer, he gets the slightest hint of cold feet. he keeps thinking about how much this feels like choosing, kenta and woojin vs sungwoon and minhyun, and the fact that he’s choosing the side he is makes him feel sick. he already owes sungwoon so much better than he’s given him until now. he owes sungwoon better than not even being able to call him his boyfriend, and still getting flustered when anyone calls what are obviously dates by that name. he definitely owes him better than taking away from their relationship, and how desperately he wants to figure it out.

 “if i get in, i’ll still come over every weekend,” he says, holding both of sungwoon’s hands in his own as they sit on the sofa—the sofa where daniel told him he loved him the first time and sungwoon didn’t get it, very important to note –and daniel kisses him. when he pulls away, he smiles. “i’ll come see you even when i’m tired.”

 in the end, it doesn’t come down to kenta or woojin, or sungwoon or minhyun, but to daniel, and what he needs. for the first time in his life, he stops sacrificing himself for everyone else.

 he steps into the audition room with a smile on his face, and immediately starts to tune his trusty guitar. he introduces himself easily, and they soon tell him to begin, so he does. (now, he’s only a little nervous.)

 Friday night and I'm ridin' solo When I touch down, keep it on the low-low I don't mess with your energy No photos So antisocial, but I don't care You’re lucky I’m not gonna smoke here Got a bottle in my hand, bring more though Got my hat low, don't talk to me

 he gets a little in touch with his cameo roots. despite his hair still being a certain (different) shade of silver, he hasn’t in a while. it’s confidence an old daniel never had, and that the current daniel only has because he realized he was cameo too, and that as much as he wanted cameo, he didn’t really need him anymore. god wouldn’t have taken away cameo’s medium if he did. cameo and past daniel were two very different people, but none of them were really daniel. it was the daniel made in the image of his parents, and the daniel that needed to rebel against that. now, he’s a very different person, too: a combination of both with a little something extra.

 really, that’s what this song is about for daniel.

 he changes the original line don’t give a damn i’m gonna smoke here so he doesn’t swear, if that matters, and so those judging him don’t worry that he smokes. he didn’t change any of the lines about drinking, though…hmm…it’s okay, he changed the entire second verse, which was worse.

 his guitar arrangement shifts, a little softer, but more difficult too, a build up as he sings:

 I've been down, give me some space You don't know what's in my brain Music loud, easin' my pain

this is pure daniel, cameo shelved, even though cameo was the medium in which music eased daniel’s pain. that’s what empty enigma was for daniel in the year and a half he was part of the band, but these lines are true for him now, too. he’s been down since the end of the mgas, but he’s put every free second and all of his heart into music since. he’s written and arranged so many songs, he’s sweat in dance studios, he’s worked on new instruments all for this.

 his guitar builds up, then explodes into the chorus, and daniel smiles as he sings it and strums. maybe he should be playing a tougher character, but he doesn’t really want to. he’s sure sphere will make him who they want to be once he’s in their company. before then, he wants them to want him for who he really is.

 Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me I came to vibe, yeah On something, on something, on something I wanna riot Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me I came to vibe, yeah Won't let nothing come in between me and the night

 it’s still confident, and a promise that he’s a different daniel than he was during the mgas. truthfully, maybe he wasn’t ready back then. the daniel of the mgas didn’t know what he wanted, and even though he put everything he had into his performances, it was just to perform—without any end goal in mind. he didn’t really want a contract then. he only started that journey to garner attention for his band and show off the talents of his bandmates, so maybe it was only fitting that the mgas tore the band apart as they did. band’s talents: shown off, karma: delivered. now, he gets to show off his own talents again, this time, as a daniel that knows exactly what he wants.

 that’s how he can sing the chorus with the feeling that he can. it’s not fake fake confidence, at least not right now. he came here to perform and show what he can do—to enjoy himself, and to prove himself. if they don’t want him here, he won’t give up. by offering him an audition, they already proved to him he had reason to hope in this.

 the next talent he gets to show comes up, and it’s his original rap. he still plays his guitar as he begins (which is pretty hard, mind you. he spent the most time this week making sure he could do both simultaneously.)

 if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all

my mama used to tell me; just stayed quiet by default

 it’s true. he’s surprised it took him as little time as it did to start speaking his own mind. at the same time, he’s still trying to tell his own thoughts apart from hers. he’s still trying to develop his own opinions, and his own habits, and to embrace that she wasn’t always right—that he didn’t have to be who she wanted him to be, or the person he thought might make her happy. it didn’t stop him from trying. he knows now that he could never be that; she would never truly be happy with anyone. she would keep poking and prodding and criticizing no matter what he did.

 he still loves her. he just can’t live for anymore, and that’s exactly what he used to do. she tried to raise him in the lord—to bring him up according to only the oppressive, rigid teachings of the bible –and yet he only knows now that the only person he can safely live for, and the only one that he should live for, is jesus. he’s learned so much more with a little distance.

 he sings now, a reference to the beginning of the song, even if it’s not in the original:

 so antisocial and i'm not prepared

with a personality that's not theirs

 to his dad’s credit, he’s been better now that daniel is no longer under the reign of his mother. his dad actually helped him get furniture for his apartment, likely without his mother’s knowledge. given that daniel’s grandmother is his favorite member of the family (well, maybe tied with mina), and she’s the other of his father, it makes sense.

 even if he doesn’t mind having part of his mother’s personality, the fact that he still doesn’t know exactly who he is is true. he goes back to rapping.

 i'm trying to be honest for the first time in my life

so i see the finale every time i close my eyes

 he spent so much of his life concealing and deceiving. he would never admit to doing anything wrong to his mother, only telling the truth when he thought she might expose his lie. he remembers lying about what he did with his friends, even at an early age—studying, he would say, despite them actually playing video games.

 his grandest lie, however, was empty enigma. keeping the band a secret was his grandest lie, going so far as to concoct a twin brother as an excuse for why empty enigma’s bassist resembled him so much when anyone asked.

 in a way, his personality for most of his life was a lie, too. since getting out of his mother’s clutches, he’s been trying to be more sincere, so it’s only fair that he is here too, and he confesses how much the finale has haunted him to the very people he represented during it. he wonders if they’re disappointed, even now, that sphere’s team finished fourth instead of finishing first. even now, with this new opportunity, daniel thinks he still is.

 he’s here, however, and he does have this new opportunity. it’s kicked up his determination anew, so that’s not the note he ends the rap on. he smiles again, a little cheeky.

  and if you cut me now because you think that i still lack

you know that i'll be back, terminator of the 8-track

 he hopes they don’t cut him again, but it’s a resolve to both them and himself that he won’t give up. he’ll be back knocking on sphere’s door, eager for retribution, just like he wants to at nova’s for turning him down a year ago. (it’s also a fun reference to the terminator movies, and his strength, and yes, to mark’s rap in jopping.)

  his guitar built up once again, to the repeat of the chorus, and the final part of his audition song.

 Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me I came to vibe, yeah On something, on something, on something I wanna riot Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me I came to vibe, yeah Won't let nothing come in between me and the night

 he smiles again after he ends, and does his best to bow to the panel even with a guitar slung across his shoulders. “thank you!”

 nothing is guaranteed. he knows that, and he likes to think no matter what happens, he’ll be okay. nothing is guaranteed, but more than that, he wants to think he’s finally done enough.

[marijeem]

hi! I saw your Jim Hawkins fanart and i could you maybe tell how this chracter change your life? send you big love

Hi! 

First of all, thank you for asking this question! As far as I know, you’ve sent it a while ago, and I feel like now it’s the right time to answer it. 

In order to give a coherent and more or less fulfilling answer as to why Disney’s Treasure Planet and its protagonist Jim Hawkins in particular are so important and literally life-changing to me, I have to start the story “from the beginning” which was approximately ten years ago. One day I was going through the list of Disney movies I wanted to download and watch (I’ve always been a huge movies&cartoons lover, so that’s always been a frequent pastime activity of mine), and I noticed this extremely cool pirate-and-space animated movie poster and sure enough!! I decided to include it in the list of movies to watch. I was really excited and couldn’t wait to put it on, and yet, when I clicked play, it turned out that I accidentally downloaded it in English. I am Russian and the Russian language is my mother tongue. I was around 12-13 at the time and I used to watch movies which were translated into my native language, that’s why I’ve got no idea how this could’ve happened. Even though I’ve been interested in languages, the level of my language proficiency was rather low and I couldn’t understand a thing. So, I watched it for a couple of minutes and shelved it. Outwardly the decision to just find the dubbed version of the movie and watch it instead might seem obvious and rather reasonable, right? But I haven’t even thought of it, because I fell in love with English that day.

Two or three years later I found the file on my computer and watched it. It was indescribably touching, relatable and homelike. It was cosmical. I saw myself in Jim, I felt like it was so similar to what I was going through and it was something I never expected to experience from it. I’ll try to explain what I mean, not sure if I’m really able to. Let’s say, I was a capable child, but I kept skipping classes (even those payed by my parents), I’d prefer riding my bike or roller-skating instead of school and homework, I was interested in completely different things. To be fair, there were lots of children who ditched school far more often and weren’t even trying to be good at their studies, thus the fact that I still managed to get good grades made me a nerd in their eyes, which continued up to the very last day of high school. In any case, my ‘potential’ was kinda thrown away and evidently all that could not but worry and upset my mom, who has always believed in me and seen that I could do better. Of course it made me feel awful and just as if I were a failure and a huge disappointment, and the story of Jim going on an adventure, finding and accepting himself felt so inspiring and encouraging, it filled me with emotions and hope, it was everything I wanted and everything I really needed. I still cry like crazy during the song and the night scene where Silver delivers his soulful monologue. That’s just what every human-being needs to hear in their hardest moments, right? (although that happened later) To know that someone is there for you, believes in you and accepts you no matter how messed up and broken you seem to be at the time. And since I felt this connection with this character mentally and emotionally, it had a really big impact on me.

Further on, I figured out that many amazing artists post TP fanart and Ocs online, and I wanted to be a part of it. And once I had this really breathtaking dream of ‘Treasure Planet II’ – true story – which was very detailed and visual, so I started working on it. In January 2012 I discovered DeviantArt and posted my first ever digital drawing there as well as the story written in English. I guess that’s when I started to take language learning and art more seriously, they became a part of me. As for drawing, it is my biggest hobby which I strive to turn into something more one day, and when it comes to languages, that’s my occupation. Three days ago I graduated, I’m a linguistics major (English and French).

Writing this answer made me go back and find another post from several years ago when I spoke about the same topic, and I wrote this: ‘Then there was a period in my life, sort of an adventure. I was finishing school, and to get into the University I had to pass very difficult exams, so I did and I finished school with a golden medal, which means that I’m an A student in all subjects. I felt like Jim did in the end of the movie. And now I’ve got one more aim, which is connected with my studies (there’re more of them, which are connected with art and animation). I really want to graduate from my University with ‘the red diploma’, being an A student again, but I do doubt that, 'coz it’s really SO hard to study here, some of the subjects and professors make me an angry vampire, they make me suffer.’ I did it, despite everything that had happened to me during this period, I did graduate with honors and I had no idea I wrote about it in 2015. And… I really felt like Jim both during the high school graduation ceremony and the graduation at university. In keeping with the tradition, I’d like to say that I really want to get a master’s degree XD and ‘the red diploma’ one more time lol

So, James Hawkins made me who I am today. I’m an art enthusiast, I’m a linguist, and I’m not 100% sure I would’ve been those if Treasure Planet hadn’t been accidentally downloaded and hadn’t rushed into my life at the right time. I wish I could expand the answer even more since there are a lot of things I would actually love to talk about hoping it might help someone, but it would be toooooo long (as if it is not already) and probably boring. So, yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

P.S. I’m so sorry I’ve been putting this off for so long, I wanted to draw a little illustration or something and give a nice answer. I’m really grateful you asked it, thank you!

[writerspink]

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K-12 Words was originally published on PinkWrite

[churchofsatannews]

Speak of the Devil – Reverend Campbell Interviews Magister Robert Lang

I have, on occasion, had the privilege of collaborating with like-minded Satanists, and through the course of those interactions I have learned that those of substance do not typically have the time to commit to an active online life. They are either too busy actually living their lives, or their contempt for the denizens of those virtual prisons holds no interest for them. One cannot hope to achieve his goals, or to manifest his desires if compulsively congratulating other social media thralls, after all.

The Church of Satan is defined by its members. In over 50 years it has attracted many different types. Some Satanists affiliate themselves with the Church of Satan and live their lives as productive members of society, with no one the wiser. Other Satanists join to make waves, attempting to draw the attention of the Alien Elite by seeking mutual admiration. Then there are those Satanists who join the organization and, through the natural course of realizing their passions and motivations, are recognized as superior human beings—individuals who, when they make a mistake, learn from it. They are individuals whose reputations precede them and who are known by their actions, even if not witnessed first hand.

As a content creator it can be a challenge to connect with Satanists of substance. If they are like you, you may never have the opportunity for an encounter. Often these Satanists will only join you if they believe you will not only provide a professional outlet for the discussion, but also ensure you are not wasting their valuable time. I have the distinct pleasure of bringing you my discussion with one such Satanist. From his contributions to now legendary Satanic publications, to his performance in Satanic Rituals and Ceremonies, my guest tonight has demonstrated his authority as a potent Satanic Magician time and time again. So it is my distinct pleasure to present to you, my interview with Magister Robert Lang. Enjoy!

RC: Magister Lang, it is a pleasure to speak with you. I suppose we should start from the beginning. Would you tell me a little about yourself?

ML: I have been a CoS member for at least 35 years now. I am an artist working in several mediums, a writer, editor and budding musician/singer as well as a character actor in some underground radio dramas.

RC: I was not familiar with the scope of all of your projects, can you elaborate on your music and acting work?

ML: Sure! The music is at the moment just for fun and I would never profess to be a professional musician. As you know, Magister Sass and I collaborated on the The Black House: A Tribute to Anton S. LaVey album years back for the soundscape 'Death Rune' which was a curse projected on particular individuals at the time. I collaborated with the very talented Warlock Eric Ouellet for a side project called Infidels of Iblis. The song 'Vlad the Just Petitions You' was the result of that. The words are lifted from an early essay by myself depicting Vlad the Impaler having risen from the dead and giving a speech to a modern audience. It is a spoken-word piece with me trying to sound like Vlad. Eric wrote and performed the music. The song was submitted and accepted to a Heathen Harvest compilation but we later pulled it in favor of a future Church of Satan compilation that Reverend Raul Antony may release some day.

Because of that song I was asked to play a part in a radio drama released by a friend of mine on Broken Sea Audio Productions entitled Sword of the Crimson Tatters. I may do more of those.

It's fun trying to judge which intonation, emotion and inflection to use without the other actors present. I simply read the script and recorded 3 versions of each line. The producer would then choose the best version that would go into the finished recording. What I am doing now is simply practice for a future secret project which would be improper to speak of at this point.

RC: Improper? Now I'm truly curious! However, I respect your wish for secrecy. Aside from the super secret project that is the only thing I want to know about at this point, what are a couple of your most proud accomplishments thus far?

ML: I would have to say that my proudest accomplishment was realized at the Church of Satan's 50th Anniversary conclave. I had so many people come up to me, talking about how some of my work had influenced them to become who they are today, how they looked forward to a new issue of the Black Pun-kin (a Satanic magazine I put out), or a piece of art I created or film I was featured in (6-6-06 and Inside the Church of Satan). These comments were inspiring to me also as the wonderful people who shared this with me were of such high quality, talent and intellect that I felt proud all my hard work in the past helped to influence these people to become who they are today. It seemed so worth it all of a sudden. It was like, WOW! Made me feel awesome!

RC: Can I ask you about the Black Pun-kin? When was that released, and will it be available in any form again?

ML: I think it came out in XXIX A.S. Some of that material may come out as a compilation or as part of a book. Unfortunately, all of that stuff will need to be re-typed by hand as one of my Great Danes spilled water on my Mac Book where all the files resided. Looking into trying to recover that stuff somehow. Damn!

RC: Ah yes, the joys of our pets and children. When I was in college my toddler son hit the power button on my computer, erasing a project I had been working on. I lost the whole piece, so I feel your pain. Let me ask you about the 6-6-06 ritual. Was it challenging to get into the ritual headspace with the size of the ritual production and that vast audience present?

ML: No, not at all. We had rehearsed over and over again. Once every word and action was set perfectly to memory, the confidence obtained made everything flow so perfectly once it began. To tell you the truth, the only time I even really saw the audience was when I was doing the incense burner walk and during The Benediction of the Cthulhu phallus sequence. The moment where I am directly talking to the other Satanists in the room, when I made true eye contact with certain friends there, that was one of my personally favorite moments. I loved the Fatwa part as well. I found out the next day that at that very moment in the ritual Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was bombed and killed. I had in mind another text for my curse on the fanatics, but we changed it in order to make the curse seem all encompassing.

RC: With the documentary Inside the Church of Satan, did you have any reservations going into or coming out of the project? Did it end up as you had hoped it would?

ML: Absolutely, most especially using that stupid green night vision that they insisted upon using. I spent days working on the aesthetic for that rite only to have it ruined because somebody had the idea that "paranormal" activity might be caught on camera. You always have reservations with these things and the most important one to us was security. Fortunately that was respected, and the end product. although not having high production values, gives the Church of Satan a pretty fair shake for outsiders. There was the odd bit of poking fun at us, but that is to be expected by folks who are not of our persuasion. We can take it.

RC: How did you first discover Satanism?

ML: I discovered Satanism at the age of 13 (go figure). I think I was mostly influenced towards my darker side by watching old HAMMER films with Christopher Lee as Dracula. That is where I first saw the Baphomet and was exposed to the idea of Black Magic. Eventually I walked into a Coles bookstore and saw a copy of The Satanic Bible with the Sigil of Baphomet sitting there in the Occult section. I picked it up and was immediately aesthetically charged by the front cover and the evil looking man on the back cover. I proudly marched up to the front with my forbidden tome and placed it on the counter. The woman at the cash register asked me if my parents knew I was buying this and I said "YES, they do indeed.” Reading it was like looking into a mirror and all of a sudden what had been disorganized in my mind due to a Christian upbringing seemed all of a sudden reorganized again. "This makes sense," I said to myself. "This describes who I am."

RC: How did you perceive Satanism and the Church of Satan? What attracted you to it?

ML: I perceived both as something remotely dark and beautiful, a romantic marriage of forbidden knowledge and earthly delights. It was like coming home.

RC: Do you still feel that poetic connection to both?

ML: Absolutely, it's something that never goes away. The Black Flame only expands and burns larger as we move through life. The more we learn, the more we experience the deeper into it we BURN!

RC: How did you see other Satanists? Can you tell us about your experience with Grottos?

ML: I was alone for at least a decade where my only contact with other Satanists being in the print form of The Black Flame.

My first contact with a real Satanist was with Magus Maestro Peter H. Gilmore and Magister Michael Rose through snail mail by submitting work to Rose’s From the Pit and The Black Flame. Eventually Peter put us in contact with some Canadian members—Witch Marguerite Thompson (whose funeral I officiated at years ago) and Warlock Rick Jaggard, two early members of the Church of Satan with whom we started our own un-official Grotto, The Infernal Garrison. It was unofficial simply because at that time there was no Grotto system. Through that vehicle we made even more contacts around the world, as well conducting interviews and answering questions for many magazines including Playboy and authors writing books on alternative religions like J.C. Hallman and others. I suppose by the time the official Grotto system came back we had had enough of the work that is involved in running an organization. We had by then our own little cabal of people in close proximity to one another and streamlined our focus on being Church of Satan media reps instead.

RC: What did you draw on as inspiration when planning to officiate the funeral?

ML: That was the first time the Satanic Funeral was ever performed. Peter had written it for this occasion, to mark the passing of our dear friend Witch Marguerite Thompson. It was her last request on her death bed.

RC: There is something to be said about the connection Satanists can make with each other. Do you think Satanism connects individuals as friends more than life experiences or is it not a factor in lasting connections in your opinion?

ML: It is both. Certainly experiencing the camaraderie of like minded individuals and building friendships is a special thing. However, it is the life experience shared with them that makes it precious and when all of a sudden one of those people goes bat shit crazy, it hurts all the more. I would never befriend someone just because they are a Satanist. They have to truly resonate with me.

RC: Going back to your first connection with the Maestro, submitting your work to The Black Flame, or even performing a ritual with him, what was it like working with him?

ML: HP Gilmore always has a way of making you feel comfortable in ritual or in any project. He has a great way of suggesting changes to your approach while still complimenting your strengths. No matter how good you think you are at something there is always a way of making it better. His guidance at the Hellfire Caves ritual rehearsals were a prime example of this. He would take centre stage at the centre of the room like some Master Yogi, tell us what he thought of what we were doing wrong and then took up the director's gauntlet and began doing so. Without his direction that ritual could have been so much less than the great magical experience it ended up being.

RC: I have heard rumors of a now infamous phallus incident. Would you be willing to share your knowledge of this?

ML: That was hilarious, but not so hilarious if you did not know what happened as we waited back in the catacombs getting ready to perform our parts in the ritual. They are laughing at us I thought. What could have gone wrong? As it turned out, the two foot long glow-in-the-dark giant phallus designed to literally GWAR the audience with fake semen had broken during Priestess Fifi Labonne's exuberant attempt to spray the congregants. As she swung it, the thing broke in half and went flying across the room, striking the gong in perfect timing. As it turned out, cock #1 had been dripped upon from the chalk walls and had lost its ability to keep a hard on. In perfect ritual form, Magistra DeMagis very ceremoniously recovered it and presented it back to Priestess LaBonne who continued her benediction with the now very bobbly shaft. We did however consider that there was a possibility of it breaking, so earlier on during prop constructing and rehearsals, we had constructed a backup cock. But we did not bring it.

We actually really forgot about it. Months later it was discovered in Reverend Entity's hot water heater closet where we put it to dry. It was like the Fungi from Yuggoth at that point. As for the phallus that broke, I think it's still there, so if you ever visit the Hellfire Caves, you might come across this historic artifact.

Funny that John Wilkes (a prominent member of The Hellfire Club) who wrote, The Essay on Woman used a cock with wings on the frontispiece of that book.

The ritual achieved what we intended—to revive the thriving spirit of those great people that used to haunt that place for fun, frolic and collaboration.

Francis Dashwood, Benjamin Franklin, William Hogarth, Paul Whitehead, John Wilkes, John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich, Robert Vansittart, Thomas Potter, Francis Duffield, Edward Thompson, Lord Chesterfield and others...here's a cheer to some true iconoclasts and lovers of life. Hail Satan!

RC: Are there any memorable experiences you've had as a media rep you would like to share? What was your least favorite experience as well?

ML: The fun one was the Spring Rite which is on the CoS website with Colonel Akula as Pan. Lots of fake blood, masks and debauchery. Magister Rose wrote that one. The Hellfire Caves rite was also amazing! Having the crew there filming it was cool and the after-ritual impromptu rite in the main ritual chamber of the Hellfire Club was a very fond memory. I look forward to that ritual footage making an appearance. Some of it was shown at the CoS 50th salon presentation by Magister Harris.

The Spring Rite was also the most disappointing one, as well as the coffee table book with photography of different religious ceremonies that never came to fruition. We had a blast though taking the photos. Everything was very over-the-top as it always is during our rites.

RC: In your time as a member of the Church of Satan, what was communication between the organization and other Satanists like?

ML: Communication was one of those things you really looked forward too. Snail mail demanded patience which is something you do not see much of these days. A typical response to a letter could often take months, however when you did get a response it was usually a very beefy letter.

Looking forward to a new magazine like Not Like Most (Matt Paradise), From The Pit (Michael Rose) The Raven (Neil Smith) or The Cloven Hoof and The Black Flame was like hitting the Jackpot when you went to your P.O. Box. These were things you kept and cherished. Nowadays things are too easy and the value of the materials has cheapened due to ease of communication. There is good to that as well, it's just less inspiring to me.

RC: I always felt like the art of writing a letter was very ritualized for me. The process of thinking about what you are going to write before putting pen to paper took consideration, discipline and an appreciation for the written word. Not to mention the cathartic experience of receiving the response letter. Do you think the decline of the art of writing a letter has any connection with the inability for some to focus or clearly convey a thought? Like a muscle that's not exercised becomes atrophied?

ML: LoL! Just joking. Absolutely, one hundred percent with you on this one. Writing a thoughtful letter, the act of putting it in the mail and the patience and anticipation of receiving a response are core values of ritual that should be held dear. Though it is very nice being able to contact my friends at the drop of a hat, there is definitely something missing—the magic, I'd say.

RC: Do you think the lack of an Internet helped or hindered early Satanism and why?

ML: It helped develop strong leaders who were patient and passionate about what they were doing which laid a strong foundation for our organization. Because things were so hard to obtain we all worked that much harder to put out a quality product. A communication was like gold, the gift of a new Baphomet medallion was a big deal. Things were harder to obtain and therefore there was more value placed upon such things. Today you can get anything at the wave of your hand. Granted, I like that, but the mentality is different. Patience is VIRTUALLY non existent.

RC: I see what you did there. Do you think the pervasiveness of 'Satanic' merchandise is a gift or curse? With overabundance comes mediocrity, I think.

ML: It's a curse. I would say especially for the business person as things are not so desperately sought after. If there's too much of it then it's never going away therefore the consumer delays at purchasing things because it can be had at any time.

It does not increase with value over time either. Like my Wolf-Hook Rune ring for example. Many wrote me asking me to start making them again, then when iSatanist makes them available for half the price I was selling them for then hardly anyone wants one. So if you want one, get them while you can folks.

RC: When the internet became pervasive, and you saw sites like SatanNet pop up, where there could be in-time communication between Satanists and fan boys, did you see it as a positive or negative form of communication?

ML: Both negative and positive. Positive in the fact that we could get our information out there and fight misinformation. Negative in the fact that any little piece of shit could start up their own pseudo organization and cause shit being their own self-styled Grand Poohba of pseudo-satanic drivel. This creates confusion to an ever-lazy media not willing to do proper research. Now everyone can make a big noise.

RC: We have all had embarrassing or shameful interactions in social media, it's what clues us into the true negative human interaction this medium encourages. Is there any interaction that informed you about the ugly face of social media.

ML: Yes, I've been guilty of taking the bait at times. I remember a certain interaction with a certain grandson of somebody that I wish had not happened. I was defending my friends who I consider family and therefore in doing so I used what may have been confidential information to bitch slap the asshole. I regret doing that, but I do not feel sorry for the harm it caused him. Like I said earlier, I am very passionate about the people I came up with in the organization. When someone attacks them, they are attacking me.

RC: I think what's important about those types of interactions is learning what caused your reaction, and evaluating what you could have done differently. This is a lesson I learned many times over. What is your philosophy for interacting with detractors or trolls now?

ML: Let them eat STATIC!

RC: Was there any other turning point you can identify that caused you to shy away from the hourly social media interaction that seems to be applauded in our culture?

ML: I spent too much time being out there as a representative—way too out there. I changed careers, and in order to do that I had to step back from the spotlight and be pragmatic. I decided that a lot of it was a waste of my time and that I could be spending that time on things that really matter. There's plenty of others willing to step up to the plate. The turning point was after Inside the Church of Satan came out. Too much energy put into it with little or no return as a final product.

RC: Do you think there can be an effect on Satanists or Satanism through the constant interaction of social media?

ML: Yes, you are not doing anything productive. You should be constantly interactive with real life. Social media should be something you do with a morning coffee, to wake up.

RC: Why do you think social media is so popular amongst those who claim to champion real life?

ML: It's because they usually have no life.

RC: I can't argue with you there. What do you think is the biggest downfall of most Satanists nowadays?

ML: Social media. The inability to recognize the skill and time it takes to create something valuable due to its ease of access now.

RC: What is the single most important Satanic principle(s) Satanists should continually keep in mind?

ML: The best advice you will ever get in my opinion was from Anton LaVey. "Dare to keep company with those smarter and more accomplished than yourself, then see what happens."

RC: What is next for you, are there any new projects or goals you would like to share?

ML: I am interested in making music these days as it is something I have not challenged myself enough on—and getting back into my painting again.

RC: Thank you for your time, I would like to ask, without a hint of irony, if there is anywhere you would like to direct the readers to connect with you online or to learn more?

ML: I am FreyjaFru on Facebook and Magister Lang on Twitter where Donald lives.

Hail Satan! —Reverend Campbell

Note: Photos used with permission, given to Magister Lang. Article photo, Magus Gilmore in Lotus position and profile photo of Magister Lang were taken at the Hellfire Altar by Diana DeMagis. Inside the Church of Satan photos used with permission Joshua Warren. Nude altar still from 6-6-06. The photographer for Pan and myself for Inside the COS is C. Eric Scott. Magister Lang standing beside the Nude Altar was taken by Bob Johnson. Latex backed nude Altar was taken my Bob Johnson for an issue of Old Nick Magazine.

[mbaljeetsingh]

10 Tips On How To Learn To Code Without A Bootcamp

Seattle 2017. I had just attended my first team meeting at my first job as a software developer. A proud day for me!

Three years ago I learned how to code without a computer science degree or by attending a bootcamp.

Ever since then, I've been working as a full-time, employed developer. But learning to code on my own wasn't easy—I struggled, and almost gave up at one point.

If you're reading this, you might have the goal that I did—to be self-taught and avoid attending a pricey bootcamp or returning to college to get a computer science degree.

Here is what I did to go from newbie to a software engineer.

Create A Plan And Stick To It

When you are learning to code, a common mistake is having no plan.

You take a few coding tutorials here and there, build an app or two, and read a few articles on coding. But then months go by and you aren't sure where to go next. You feel lost.

What can you do?

Create a plan—a detailed roadmap for how exactly you'll learn to code.

To create your plan, start asking yourself these questions.

What language will you learn? What kind of coding are you interested in? Are you most interested in creating games, building apps, or websites? What area are you going to focus on?

What is your main goal? What is the reason why you want to code and what are you going to do once you have the skill? Is your goal to become a developer? Or build something?

What learning resources will you use?  There are many amazing (and completely free) resources to choose from when learning how to code, it can be overwhelming. Whether it's the freeCodeCamp curriculum or another, pick a program and set goals to complete it.

How many hours per week will you learn, and when? When you're in college or school, you usually know how many hours you'll be either in class or studying, and you stick with that schedule. Create a schedule for yourself that works best for you so you can stay on track.

Before I created a roadmap for myself, I felt confused as I was teaching myself how to code.

I didn't know what to learn or what to do next.  Once I had my built roadmap, it was easy to move forward in my journey— I knew the next step to take.

Chase Your Curiosity

Having your roadmap is key, but make sure to follow your curiosity.

To learn to code, find one thing about programming that’s fascinating to you. Find the thing that makes you curious enough to learn about it on a Saturday night - because you’ll need to do that at times.

Find something about coding that you are what one of my favorite writers, T.K Coleman, would call irresponsibly curious about. You know when you’re up late binging a good show, or you’re so curious about what happens next in a book that it’s 2am and you’re trying to keep your eyes open because you can't wait to see what happens next?

Discover the area of programming  that makes you curious enough to keep pursuing it. Time flies by as you follow your curiosity, and the amount you learn will skyrocket. Like reading a great book or the best wh0-done-it movie you’ve seen in a while, you’ve got to get to the end.

Figure out what you're curious about and chase after it.

Hold yourself accountable.

When attending a coding bootcamp, if you don’t complete assignments, you risk getting kicked out and wasting the money you paid to enroll.

In school or college, if you don’t complete your homework you risk failing a class.

At work, you risk getting fired if you don’t show up.

But risks do you face when you don’t complete a free coding course?

Nothing. You’ve got no leverage on yourself. No one to hold you accountable.

So find ways to hold yourself accountable.

Here are some ideas:

Start a blog and announce (or on social media) that you’ll blog weekly on the progress of your goal.

Use positive or negative reinforcement, depending on what works for you. Tell a friend that you will pay them X amount of money if you don’t present them with evidence of a completed project. Or, every time you make progress with your coding goals give yourself a reward.

Hold yourself accountable. Give yourself no choice but to learn to code. Get leverage on yourself or decide on a big reward.

Learn In Public

When I was first learning how to code, I read books and articles about how going on social media would hurt your productivity. I subsequently decided to delete my Twitter, Instagram and Facebook accounts.

And while this did help me a bit (I could no longer scroll Twitter as a distraction from a hard coding problem), I eventually realized the benefits of using social media were far greater than the disadvantages.

Not only this, but when I got back on social media and started sharing my journey towards becoming a developer, I made friends, found mentors, got job opportunities, and sped up my learning.. I was also told I inspired some people by sharing my journey.

You can do the same. Get started now.

When I published blog posts or social media posts about what I was learning, I received encouragement and feedback from friends. This exchange created a great positive feedback loop for me; I wanted to learn more so I could share my accomplishments again.

There are other benefits to learning in public as well.

Here are some of my favorite articles on why learning in public helps accelerate your learning and maybe help you land a job.

Learn in public: The Fastest Way To Learn

Use Social Media To Break Into Tech

Switching Careers And Learning In Public With Tania Rascia

Don't be afraid to Google everything.

This is something I heard from Brian Holt when watching his excellent Intro To Web Development course on Frontend Masters. Many people believe they aren't good coders if they have to Google things. Contrary to this, as Brain points out, good programmers need to Google things all of the time.

Don't be afraid to Google things as you code. Googling to find an answer does not make you less of a programmer.

Build projects you know you can finish.

Starting a coding project as a beginner is daunting. The project seems so massive and you feel as if you might never complete it. You lose motivation starting a project you have no idea if you can finish.

The solution?

Build projects that stretch your skills,  but be realistic on whether or not you can finish the project. Try to build projects you're reasonably confident you can finish. Seeing the finished projects you've completed will help motivate you to continue your coding journey.

If you aren’t sure how to start a project yet. Let alone finish one,  read this article I wrote on moving from tutorials to coding projects.

Build impossible projects.

That said. A good friend of mine, who has worked for some of the biggest tech companies, once told me that he felt most of his growth as a developer came from building what he called ‘impossible’ projects.

He would have an idea for something that he wanted to build, and then he would set out to do it. And while it would seem impossible to build these ideas, he was so excited that he would try to find a way. Thus, lots of learning happens.

If you’ve been building and finishing projects, try picking a project you really dream of building even though it feels impossible to build.

With the power of your passion for this project, you may be able to build exactly what you want or at least learn an incredible amount in the process.

Find mentors and your community

One of the most inefficient ways to get a mentor to take you on is to message someone out of the blue and ask “Will you be my mentor?”The person you are messaging probably already has many requests to be a mentor. And why should they donate their time to you? Not only that but you are saying ‘will you be my mentor’ with no specifics and no real plan. Anyone that can actually help you isn’t going to say yes.

So how can you find a mentor?

There are great platforms such as CodeMentor or Coding Coach. There are also coaches within programs such as Udacity or Treehouse.

You can also find mentors by asking questions, discussing what you’re learning and interacting with others on forums and places like StackOverflow.

Having a community to surround you can also help keep you immensely during your journey of learning to code. Here are some of my favorite online coding communities:

freeCodeCamp, of course!

CodeNewbie.

Dev.to

Stackoverflow.

Reddit.

CodebookClub (hosted by myself and some awesome moderators!)

Don't take your errors personally.

I often witness new developers write code, get an error, and then say something like, “Ugh! Of course I got this error, I’m stupid”, or “I seem to get a lot of errors, I’m not sure if I’m cut out for programming.”

Yes, you wrote an error--we all do. An error in your code doesn’t mean you aren’t cut out to be a developer. I repeat: errors while coding don’t mean you aren’t going to be a great developer. They’re a natural part of the coding process.

Think of your favorite video game. When you failed a level several times, did you think, ‘Maybe I’m not meant to be a video game player’? Probably not! Fail many times, then master that level--them go to the next one.

Don’t take your errors personally. Learn from them, and move on.

Keep the streak going.

Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio and the most famous streak in sports history

When I was first learning to code, I took a break for a week. When I came back to coding, I felt like I was seeing the language again for the first time. And once I took a break from coding, it was that much harder to get back into it.

My mom suggested I start a streak of coding. Coding Every. Single. Day. There were many times when I felt tired or unmotivated to code, but I had to keep my streak going. So I would code--even for just five minutes. So even on the days when I really didn’t feel like it, I still took a small step towards my goal. That momentum kept me going--all the way to the finish line.

Keep the streak alive!

If you enjoyed this post, sign up for my email list where I occasionally give away free courses, and announce meetings for my free coding book club.

via freeCodeCamp.org https://ift.tt/3ar7Z1K

[desireesroadtrip]

Episode III: Return of the Jetta

It is now July 2018. I have gone on two major road trips in my life thus far. I am about to embark on the third. But before I tell you about that, let’s reflect on those first two I’ve taken…

Hello, all.

My name is Desiree Echevarria and I have wanderlust.

I’m 27 years old and have lived in Southern California my whole life. I’d like to get out immediately please, if only for a little while. And here’s why.

Every day, I go to a job that, admittedly, I like a whole lot. I have family and friends that I like a whole lot. I have a life that I sure do like a whole lot.

And yet…

I gotta get the fuck out of here.

At the end of every day, in order to get home, I drive east on one the many freeways in Southern California that are in a perpetual state of apocalyptic clusterfuckery. I sit in traffic. I dodge assholes who are seemingly using their BMWs to try to commit vehicular manslaughter on everyone else on the freeway. Sometimes, I’ll admit it, I’ll add to my own anxiety by being the asshole who’s trying get ahead in traffic using my clearly superior weaving skills. OUT OF THE WAY, JERKS, I HAVE TO GET TO MY HOUSE BEFORE YOU GET TO YOURS. I NEED THAT EXTRA 2 MINUTES TO SIT AROUND AND BE TOO LAZY TO SHOWER.

I look out the car window and see the same scenery every day. If it’s not the crumbling concrete of the rough, grey L.A. freeways, it’s the boring, well-manicured, strategically landscaped, but grotesquely artificial, ambiance of Orange County. And every day, while sitting there in traffic, I think to myself: “What if I just kept driving? What if I didn’t stop at my exit and I just kept going east? Who would stop me? No one, that’s who.”

That’s what I wrote five years ago in my mission statement (you can re-visit that lengthy manifesto here) prior to embarking on a three-week road trip across the country and back. It was a trip that, when I returned, a friend of mine referred to as a “walkabout.” I liked that. So that’s what I call it now.

I drove my Volkswagen GTI (R.I.P.) from Los Angeles through Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, Utah, and Nevada.

Pictured: Black Magic the GTI, the most beloved of all my Volkswagens.

I didn’t have any deadlines or any real destinations. I went just to see what I could see. I stopped and pulled off the road to take photos whenever I felt like it. I talked to strangers. I blogged a lot. And it was fucking awesome.

(I won’t rehash the happenings of that first trip because literally every post on this Tumblr prior to this one chronicles them in detail. I created this Tumblr specifically for that trip and am reviving it for this next one. Scroll back to read about my exploits if you’d like.)

That first trip was a major turning point in my life. It got me out of my lifelong comfort zone and made me a little more fearless in general – and that alone has had far-reaching effects. That trip shook all my shit up, in a good way.

Today, I’m 32 years old and a lot has changed since then.

For starters, I don’t like the word “wanderlust" anymore. Makes me cringe. Please forget I ever used it.

But also, I don’t live in Southern California anymore. I live in Austin, Texas – a place I encountered on that very first megatrip.

This might seem surprising because in my post-roadtrip recap back in 2013, you may recall I returned from that trip with grand plans to “kick down Hollywood’s door and take the motherfucker over.”

Narrator voice: She did not take the motherfucker over.

So how did I end up in Austin? (I get this question a lot. So, finally, here’s your answer. *Clears throat.*)

Throughout my twenties, I worked in Hollywood. When you work in Hollywood, your friends and family love to hear stories about the most glamorous parts of your job. Everyone loves hearing a story with a famous person in it, even if the story is simply, “I got an email from Jennifer Lawrence today. She seems nice.” See, there’s a famous person in that riveting story about a work email. That makes it a good story. It’s very cool to come home from work and tell people that you spent the day with Clint Eastwood or that Jay Leno showed you around his fancy car garage or that Bradley Cooper asked you for a bottle of water and you handed it to him and you will both cherish that moment forever.

It’s very cool to tell people those parts of your job. But those aren’t even the everyday moments. Those are the sometimes moments. They’re awfully cool, but what happens when the day-to-day of your job is in no way fulfilling and, in fact, sucks so much ass? That’s much less cool.

It’s a tough trade-off. Because you like being able to tell your family and friends your Hollywood anecdotes. It makes you seem interesting. You like being able to watch a movie and see your name in the credits. It makes you feel important.

And it’s a hell of a thing to have to admit to yourself that it’s not actually what you want at all.

But that’s exactly what I did at the end of 2015.

Hi, I’m Desiree Echevarria. I’m sure you remember me from The Hunger Games. I played Katniss.

Here’s where I was: American Sniper was finally finished. I worked through TWO releases of those DVDs, one per year. So I had SOMEHOW been working on American Sniper for a damn year and a half (looooong after the film had left the theaters and lost all the Oscars). So I was bored and ready for something new.

My boss came to work one day and very excitedly told me that the next movie we would be working on was Clint Eastwood’s new film, Sully, starring Tom Hanks. It was our job to produce the bonus features for it, as per usual. The film would likely be a hit, like anything else Clint Eastwood or Tom Hanks does.

And yet I felt nothing. I did not feel excited. I did not feel awe. I did not feel that Hollywood magic that I know I felt at some point in my life before.

A Clint Eastwood/Tom Hanks joint walks through the door and I feel nothing.

I was burnt. out.

Sorry, Clint. 

It was time for a change, and not just on a three-week walkabout to recharge my mental batteries this time. For one thing, I was broke af (because the thing everyone loves to downplay about working in Hollywood is that the pay is shit and if you don’t like it well, fuck you, there’s a line of about a thousand suckers right behind you just BEGGING for a shot at your gig). But also, I didn’t want to have to come back to this place — not just this production company, but this Hollywood. It was time for a REAL-ASS CHANGE.

Austin, Texas was about as much of a 180-degree shift from my status quo as was possible. So that’s where I set my sights.

I moved out of my expensive-but-still-somehow-in-a-bad-part-of-town Los Angeles apartment and into my parents’ house 50 miles away in Orange County for a few months to save what little money I could (and braving the 4-hour round trip commuting to the production office in Glendale daily as a trade-off).

I remember the day I put in my two weeks’ notice at that production company. My boss, a producer who had done pretty well for himself, had gone on vacation (he went to his vacation house at least once a month, otherwise he would “go stir crazy!” he often said). I remember I was alone at the office on a Friday. And I mean ALONE alone. I had no co-workers. It was just me and my boss. Though, most days it was just me. All alone. In a small room. My boss liked to work from home mostly, and he had the freedom to do so.

On this particular Friday, I asked if I could work from home. Doing so would save me four painful hours of driving in L.A. traffic. We weren’t a busy office. People didn’t stop by. People didn’t call. We seldom got packages and if they were important (a delivery of assets from a studio or something) I sure as shit knew if they were coming. But my only project on that day was writing research reports for Sully. So, yes, I could have done my job from home. My boss could have done me a HUGE solid by just saying yes to my simple request.

Still, my boss said no. He didn’t feel “comfortable” with me working from home even though it was 2016 and the internet had been invented decades earlier. Besides, what if an office emergency came up?!

Narrator voice: An office emergency had never come up.

I said, “Okay.” And I spent that day in the office. By myself. Pouting. Lamenting my lack of freedom and control over my own life. All while my boss was sitting in a hammock, strumming one of his many vintage guitars at his vacation cabin in the mountains. This seems like a relevant time to add that this job did not come with health insurance.

I put in my two weeks’ notice that day.

I was 30 years old. And this shit was no longer worth it.

Two weeks later, I packed up my Volkswagen Rabbit (R.I.P.) with everything I owned. I didn’t own much. A friend would later call the fact that I was able to fit my entire life into a car “romantic.” I call it “poor.” I then embarked on the second major road trip of my life: the move from my home in California to my fresh start in Austin, Texas.

I didn’t know what the fuck was going to happen, but at least I was free.

Pictured: Tibor the Volkswagen Rabbit, named after the German man who sold him to me (and who replaced the Rabbit decal with a Golf decal for some reason).

Road Trip 2: The Great Escape

I drove from California to Texas in two days in a car that I wasn’t sure would even survive the trip.

The trip HAD to be two days because I didn’t want to blow what little money I had staying in hotels over the course of several nights. I didn’t have a job waiting for me in Austin – in fact, all that was waiting for me there was just one friend from California and a cheap two-month sublet to share with a stranger from Craigslist.

On Day One, I drove from Orange County, CA to Flagstaff, AZ because my friend Camille lived in Flagstaff and I stayed at her house. However, Flagstaff was nowhere CLOSE to being the halfway point between California and Austin. So my first day’s drive was just 7 hours. Meaning my second day… well, my second day was 15 hours and 1,026 miles of pure hell.

For one thing, the aux input in my car was broken and the only CDs I had with me were five Taylor Swift CDs. I know on the surface, that doesn’t seem THAT bad (after all, it’s better than silence, right?), but I listened to those five Taylor Swift CDs over and over and over again throughout the course of 22 driving hours, pushing myself to the brink of madness and back again several times over.

I tried listening to the radio, but when you’re driving through endless zero-population towns in West Texas, you can’t put a lot of faith in radio stations that play music even EXISTING. (Though, there are plenty of radio stations with loud preachers yelling about how most things are The Devil™.) So even though I was on a tight schedule, I made the time to pull over at a Wal-Mart and buy a CD – ANY CD – that wasn’t Taylor Swift. I purchased a Luke Bryan CD.

By the end of this ordeal, I would come to hate Luke Bryan as well.

(Note: I have since forgiven both Taylor Swift and Luke Bryan for what they did to me that day.)

But deeper than that, my Road Trip 2 lacked all of what made that first road trip great. I didn’t enjoy it the way I had before. This time, I didn’t take the trip slow and stop along the way to smell the roses and take pictures of interesting rocks I saw. This time, the trip wasn’t a walkabout. It was a mission, and a scary one at that.

What if I failed? What if I got to Texas and hated it, or couldn’t find a job, or ran out of money, or became a Republican? There was a lot for me to worry about on that drive.

After 15 hours, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I thought the drive would never end – especially in the late hours driving down endless empty two-lane roads in the pitch-black darkness of West Texas, with what I still maintain to this day were UFOs in the distance. I showed up at my Craigslist sublet at midnight, immediately rolled my sleeping bag out on the floor, cried for the 90 seconds I remained awake, and then passed out.

Pictured: my first Austin apartment. I slept on a mattress on the floor for longer than I care to admit.

The first thing that made me feel better after that sad-ass moving night was waking up the next day and being able to see some familiar faces. My friend Krista, who had moved to Austin not long before I did, swung by my empty apartment, picked me up and gave me a tour of the city. That helped make the transition remarkably easier. 

Pictured: my first meal on my first day in Austin at the now-defunct restaurant Bacon (R.I.P.) courtesy of tour guide, @kristadoyle​.

Also, as luck would have it, my friends from back home, Kyle and Iris, happened to be on vacation in Austin during that very weekend and we were able to meet up and do some touristy shit together. And again, that familiarity in a strange new place calmed my nerves immensely. I value my friendships above pretty much everything in the entire world and things like this are why. I like to think I’m pretty resilient on my own, but I’m far more resilient with help from my pals. I highly recommend friendship A+++ 11/10, 4 stars.

Pictured: Kyle, me, and Iris during my first weekend in Austin in the quintessential tourist destination -- Dirty 6th.

But once that introductory weekend was over, I had a lot of hustling to do. I didn’t have a job AND I only had enough saved to live comfortably for two months — which meant I had two months to make it work in Austin or I would have to crawl back to my parents’ house in California with my tail between my legs. The clock was ticking.

That Monday was the first day of SXSW, Austin’s major annual music, film, and tech festival. I had decided to move to Austin in time for SXSW because people on Reddit told me that if I wanted to network in Austin and find a job, I needed to be at SXSW. But badges to get into SXSW run upwards of thousands of dollars (which I did NOT have). So I got in the only way I could – by working for free. I volunteered for a week at SXSW and got a badge in return.

And for once, Reddit was right. I got two job offers that first week.

I knew then that everything was gonna be okay.

Still, the offers I was able to get weren’t ideal. I took a job doing customer support at a website in Austin while patiently biding my time for the job I REALLY wanted to open up: a content writer position at the startup where my friend Krista worked (also as a writer). She raved about how awesome it was and how, someday soon, they would probably hire more writers. So I waited all spring and summer for that probably. For six months, I looked something like this:

Then, finally, a writer position opened up and I pounced on it. I got the job and can honestly say, it’s one of the best things to ever happen to me.

This sounds pretty anticlimactic, I’m sure. There was this thing I wanted and I was patient and then I got it. But to me, it’s been pretty life-changing.

Working as a writer at a great company (Aceable – we’re hiring) is what I wanted all those years in Hollywood. And I just never quite found it. Sometimes I worked on projects that didn’t inspire me, sometimes I was doing work I was capable of, but not passionate about (hello, post-production), and more often than not, I worked for companies that didn’t challenge me or offer an actual career path. It wasn’t their fault necessarily, but a symptom of the small-production-company-grind that plagues much of Hollywood.

But by sticking around that kind of environment, I would always be doomed to this cycle of burning out and getting out, burning out and getting out, repeat times infinity. I’d always be looking for a temporary escape and it would never be enough – because I would never truly feel like I have control over my life.

Getting my job at Aceable was the validation I needed to finally stop feeling as though I was moving backwards rather than forwards.  

I never would have imagined as a kid who was OBSESSED with making a name for herself in Hollywood that I would find everything I was looking for in a career in the middle of Texas.

Oh yeah, and now I get to work from home WHENEVER I WANT.

There’s a saying that goes: Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.

I won’t say that my time in Hollywood was a “mistake” because, in reality, I HAD to do it – all of it. If I hadn’t, I never would have learned that it wasn’t what I wanted. Some alternate universe Desiree is out there, writing a blog where she laments never having taken the chance to pursue her film and TV dreams and then leaves behind her job as an astronaut to make it happen (what an idiot).

Besides, I had my fun. I did work on cool stuff. Working on the first film I co-produced, The Hopeful, gave me some of my all-time favorite memories and left me with some awesome friends that I still have today. I got the chance to work on my favorite show of all time, The Simpsons, and for that I’ll always be grateful. But all those pursuits had significant drawbacks and, ultimately, weren’t sustainable, like a lot of film/TV career paths (but that’s a whole OTHER conversation for another day). It turns out my heart just wasn’t in it.

I also want to say, as I’ve said many times before (and y’all are probably sick of it but this is my blog, get your own) Austin is a really fucking great place. I like it here. I feel a sense of community and pride in my city for the first time in my life. My list of restaurants to try in Austin is NEVER-ENDING.  It’s gotten to the point where I feel guilty going to the same restaurant twice now because I’m always thinking, “Shit, I could be trying a new place instead.” Put simply: it rules.

So I’m in a uncharted territory going into the third major road trip of my life…

Road Trip 3: The Everything’s Actually Pretty Okay

For the first time, I’m not using a road trip as a motif for some kind of escape. Progress!

I’m packing up my Volkswagen Jetta for a trip across the southwest that will be part walkabout, but also part of it will include some much needed quality time meeting up with some good friends from California. It’s a regular, good ol’ fashioned vacation. And I’m super pumped.

As always, I’ll take the time to be alone with my thoughts because while I’m at a place in my life where I feel pretty settled in a lot of ways, let’s never lose sight of the fact that I am an always-buzzing ball of anxiety and need these little jaunts as a way to reset my brain. It’s for this same reason that I like to go camping a lot (though camping in Texas seems abysmal DON’T @ ME.)

I’ve always appreciated road trips for the head-clearing they allow me to do.

I’ll take little weekend trips here and there for a breather.

There was the time when, on a whim, I drove from L.A. to the Grand Canyon because I had spent months pouring my blood, sweat, and tears into writing an awards show that turned out ABSOLUTELY AWFUL (read aaaallllllll about it here). 

There was the time I drove from Austin to Scott, Louisiana (the boudin capital of the world!) to clear my head after a summer on the dating apps broke my brain – damn you, Bumble!

And then there was the time I spent an entire day driving aimlessly through the rural areas outside of Austin the weekend after the 2016 election (ugh) to calm my nerves with the sight of pastoral landscapes and the taste of out-of-town BBQ before the impending unraveling of American democracy began.  

Road trips clear your head, man. They’re underrated. Whenever I tell people I’m going on a road trip, they tend to say things like “Oh no, all that driving! Hope you have plenty of audiobooks all lined up!”

And I’m like… no.

I don’t want to distract myself. The whole point is the solitude. I like the solitude.

I like that there is NOTHING to see sometimes.

I LIKE THE NOTHING.

I really believe that being in new places forces you to think differently than you normally do, and from those departures away from your normal thought patterns come your best ideas and your inspirations for growth.

My life is definitely FAR from perfect and I still have about a MILLION flaws that I have to constantly work on, but with freedom comes the time, energy, and ability to do just that.

So I guess that’s what makes Road Trip 3 different – I’ve got some freedom in my life and with it, I just want to see some cool shit and spend time with people I love, relax out on the open road, take some pictures of some interesting rocks I see, and know that when I get back to Austin, I’ll be happy to be back in Austin.

I can’t say that things will always be like this (who can?), but this is how things are right now.

Also I wish to purchase one (1) marijuana when I arrive in Colorado. IT’S LEGAL, MOM.

[char27martin]

Querying from the Trenches: The Art of Believing in Yourself as a Writer

I know, I know, to anyone other than a writer aspiring to obtain literary representation, this title sounds overly dramatic, but to my fellow writers, aspiring authors, and authors themselves, this is exactly what it can feel like.

Some might call me delusional—masochistic even—to willingly submit myself to this process again and again. Regardless of what some may want to label me, my willingness to throw myself back in, not knowing whether I will be more successful this time, than the first time, which ended in utter failure (with a lovely silver lining, though), I simply call it, inspired.

This guest post is by Kacie LeCompte Renfro. Renfro is a native of San Francisco, CA now living in Kentucky with her husband and daughter. She is an author and human rights advocate, whose career has been predominantly spent in the fields of refugee resettlement through various organizations in the U.S., and domestic and international advocacy for underserved youth demographics through Save the Children.

Any of you who signed onto your computers this morning, and proceeded to this website, to see if maybe, just maybe, a new agent was being featured, with a request for queries for a book that sounds just like yours, this is the sanity of the process. You have to be willing to submit—no pun intended—time and time again, to the process itself, in its various forms, to see your writing come to fruition.

Writing a book, being published, and calling myself an author, has been nothing short of a life-long dream for me. I have been writing since I was four. I started with a literary flare, preferring poetry to all other forms of the written word, and over the years evolved into writing longer stories, fiction, and nonfiction. I participated in an amazing writing workshop in San Francisco several years ago, and the piece I wrote for the class ended up being the first chapter for my recently published Young Adult novel, Hot Air.

Not long after taking that class, my husband and I moved to San Antonio. I found myself with the gift of time, and decided I was going to turn that chapter into a book. Over the next seven months, I did exactly that, and in my humble opinion, that was the easy part. Pouring your soul onto the page, reading, rereading, editing, re-editing, while at times tedious, is where the magic happens—the world feels alive, and almost anything, like getting an agent and being published, feels like a tangible possibility.

When you finish that book, and then the terrifying, intimidating, utterly daunting query, and finally begin the submission process, the pain finally begins to kick in. The first few submissions to literary agents are a high, and checking your inbox every five minutes for the next two weeks after hitting Send is a high, but then you receive that first rejection. You are resilient though, because you are realistic and thus, of course you expected to receive one, or maybe even a few of those. Again, it’s all part of the process. Any remote sense of defeat is still far off. You submit queries like it’s a fulltime job, or, depending on your approach, perhaps you submit to only a select few. Then, if your experience was anything like mine, fielding rejection letters becomes a second fulltime job.

Occasionally, an agent would give me feedback, and whether it was praise or criticism, anything beyond a standard, cut and paste rejection, was gold, because it gave me insight and perspective on what my book looked like to people on the inside. I wrote a sincere thank you note to every agent who took the time to give me such a gift.

[Want to land an agent? Here are 4 things to consider when researching literary agents.]

Finally, after two years of submitting my query and receiving somewhere between fifty to one-hundred rejections, with a couple agents that loved my book yet still passed on offering me representation, I decided to have a friend, fellow author, and professional editor review my book for me. This helped immensely and took my book to the next level. Once I read through her suggestions and implemented them as needed, I submitted my query to a few more agents and to one small, family-owned publishing house, One Voice Press. Long story short: The agents all passed, but One Voice Press enthusiastically took my book on, and Hot Air saw the light of day, in both print and electronic versions in December of 2016.

All in all, from writing the first chapter to holding my book in my hands for the very first time, the process took about 6 years. The longest part of that period was submitting my query, over and over and over again; but had I given up, at the 50th rejection letter or the 75th, my book wouldn’t exist beyond my desktop. It does, because I persevered.

I recently completed my second novel, which is a multi-perspective adult novel focusing on the refugee and immigrant experience in the U.S. I worked in refugee resettlement for many years, and much of the material in this piece is inspired by the people I met. It is my belief that the perspective of the minority, the oppressed, and the victim who continues to overcome—which is the essence of every refugee I have been honored to know—is needed now more than ever. This belief, that their stories deserve to be told, continues to inspire me to submit this query, despite the rejections popping up in my inbox. If I don’t give up, if I refuse to take no for an answer, if I am willing to bend and sway as the process demands along the way, this book will also see the light of day, and this time around, I know I will find the agent who believes in my book—and the story it passionately proclaims—as much as I do.

Ultimately, my experience in seeing my first novel through to publication has consisted of the magic, heartache, and painful growth present in any worthwhile, life-changing process. I am a better writer because it, and am taking the lessons learned the first time around and applying them in the here and now. My advice to you is simple. Whether it takes six months or twenty years, whether it is the first draft or a complete rewrite of your initial work, if you have a book that you believe in, that you know the world deserves to read, then don’t stop until it does. The path to publication comes in a variety of forms, some with an agent, some with a small publishing house. But if you believe in your book, then you believe in yourself. Use this belief to fuel the process, your process, that ideally will culminate in you holding your book in the palm of your hands.

The biggest literary agent database anywhere is the Guide to Literary Agents. Pick up the most recent updated edition online at a discount.

If you’re an agent looking to update your information or an author interested in contributing to the GLA blog or the next edition of the book, contact Writer’s Digest Books Managing Editor Cris Freese at cris.freese@fwmedia.com.

  The post Querying from the Trenches: The Art of Believing in Yourself as a Writer appeared first on WritersDigest.com.

from Writing Editor Blogs – WritersDigest.com http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/guide-to-literary-agents/querying-trenches-art-believing-writer

[sunshineweb]

Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets

Recent advances in neuroscience and physiology have shown that when we take risk, including financial risk, we do a lot more than just think about it.

We prepare for it physically. Our bodies, expecting action, switch on an emergency network of physiological circuitry, and the resulting surge in electrical and chemical activity feeds back on the brain, affecting the way it thinks. In this way, the body and the brain string together as a single entity, united in the face of challenge.

Normally, this fusion of body and brain provides us with the fast reactions and gut feelings we need for successful risk-taking. But under some circumstances, these chemical surges can overwhelm us. And when this happens to investors, they come to suffer an irrational exuberance (or pessimism) that can destabilize the financial markets and subsequently wreak havoc on investors’ wealth creation process.

Consider bull markets. When rising stock prices start to validate investors’ belief, the profits they make translate into a lot more than mere greed. They bring on powerful feelings of euphoria and supremacy.

It is at this point that investors feel the bonds of worldly life slip from their shoulders and they begin to flex their muscles like a newborn superhero.

In such situations, assessment of risk is replaced by verdicts of certainty (like “Nifty is quickly headed towards 20,000 points” or “This time it’s different” thinking). Most investors just know what is going to happen with the stock market in general, and their stock prices in particular. And it is such a time in the financial markets’ journey that requires someone like the legendary investor Howard Marks to write one of his most cautionary memos to clients of his fund Oaktree Capital.

As Marks mentions in his latest memo, there have been several times he has written cautionary memos in past. But he confesses at the very start of this memo, “Some of the memos I’m happiest about having written came at times when bullish trends went too far, risk aversion disappeared and bubbles inflated.”

He wrote one such memo on the first day of 2000 (bubble.com), when the dotcom bubble was near its peak. The other was in February 2007 (The Race to the Bottom), just when last major crisis was nearing its peak.

Now, he writes this in his latest memo –

I’m convinced “they” are at it again – engaging in willing risk-taking, funding risky deals and creating risky market conditions – it’s time for yet another cautionary memo. Too soon? I hope so; we’d rather make money for our clients in the next year or two than see the kind of bust that gives rise to bargains. (We all want there to be bargains, but no one’s eager to endure the price declines that create them.) Since we never know when risky behavior will bring on a market correction, I’m going to issue a warning today rather than wait until one is upon us.

Marks then shares a list of the elements that typically form the foundation for a bull market, boom or bubble (quotes in italics are mine) –

A benign environment (exists) – good results lull investors into complacency, as they get used to having their positive expectations rewarded. Gains in the recent past encourage the heated pursuit of further gains in the future (rather than suggest that past gains might have borrowed from future gains).

A grain of truth (exists) – the story supporting a boom isn’t created out of whole cloth; it generally coalesces around something real. The seed usually isn’t imaginary, just eventually overblown.

Early success (yes, seen all around) – the gains enjoyed by the “wise man in the beginning” – the first to seize upon the grain of truth – tends to attract “the fool in the end” who jumps in too late.

More money than ideas (yes, yes, yes) – when capital is in oversupply, it is inevitable that risk aversion dries up, gullibility expands, and investment standards are relaxed.

Willing suspension of disbelief (doesn’t seem as of now, but we’re almost getting there) – the quest for gain overcomes prudence and deference to history. Everyone concludes “this time it’s different.” No story is too good to be true.

Rejection of valuation norms (exists) – all we hear is, “the asset is so great: there’s no price too high.” Buying into a fad regardless of price is the absolute hallmark of a bubble.

The pursuit of the new (yes, youngsters are getting richer faster) – old timers fare worst in a boom, with the gains going disproportionately to those who are untrammeled by knowledge of the past and thus able to buy into an entirely new future.

The virtuous circle (exists) – no one can see any end to the potential of the underlying truth or how high it can push the prices of related assets. It’s broadly accepted that trees can grow to the sky: “It can only go up. Nothing can stop it.” Certainly, no one can picture things taking a turn for the worse.

Fear of missing out (can see all around) – when all the above becomes widespread, optimism prevails and no one can imagine a glitch. That causes most people to conclude that the greatest potential error lies in failing to participate in the current market darling.

The healthy part about the current times Marks mentions is that, while many of the things listed above are in play today, some of the usual ingredients are missing.

Unlike what we last saw in the 2007 boom period, many investors today are conscious of the uncertainties listed above, and also recognize that prospective returns are quite skimpy. Many also accept that things are unlikely to go well forever.

But the big problem we have on hand is that most of us cannot think of what might cause trouble anytime soon. This leads Marks to write –

…it’s precisely when people can’t see what it is that could make things turn down that risk is highest, since they tend not to price in risks they can’t see. With the negative catalyst so elusive and the return on cash at punitive levels, people worry more about being underinvested or bearing too little risk (and thus earning too low a return in good markets) than they do about losing money.

“How difficult could this get?” you may start to wonder when you read that even a legend like Marks is doubting whether he’s early to sound the caution bells. But who said investing was easy?

As Morgan Housel wrote in one of his recent posts –

Investing is not easy. Why? Because most of matters can’t be easily defined as black or white. It’s a vague, shifting shade of grey.

No analyst or fund manager on television will ever tell you this – that investing is not easy, even for them. No superstar investor on social media will do it either.

Of course, the rules of success in investing are simple and have been laid down clearly for decades now, first by Mr. Graham, then by Mr. Fisher, and then refined by Mr. Buffett and Mr. Munger. But the not easy part is taking these lessons seriously and practicing them over long periods of time, especially in today’s times when too much information and too much noise crowds these lessons out of an investors’ brain. And when too many people are seeking instant gratification.

So, What to Do Now? Chess legend Garry Kasparov advises this in the introduction of his book How Life Imitates Chess –

The stock market and the gridiron and the battlefield aren’t as tidy as the chessboard. But in all of them, a single simple rule holds true: make good decisions and you’ll succeed; make bad ones and you’ll fail.

Make good decisions. Yes, that’s the best advice. Always make good decisions…whether times are good or whether they are bad. Certain or uncertain. Also, while making decisions, caution must always be the keyword for a sensible investor.

In fact, Mr. Marks has re-rung the cautious bell like he does in most of his memos. In his latest one, he mentions about continuing to follow his 2012 mantra –

“move forward, but with caution” – and, given today’s conditions, with even more caution than in the recent past.

The last part of his memo is particularly enlightening because here he offers us on a platter all he may have learned about dealing with bull markets in his decades of investment experience. Here’s that part verbatim –

…the keys to avoiding the classic mistakes (in such market conditions are) –

awareness of history,

belief in cycles rather than unabated, unidirectional trends,

skepticism regarding the free lunch, and

insistence on low purchase prices that provide lots of room for error.

Adherence to these things – all parts of the canon of defensive investing – invariably will cause you to miss the most exciting part of bull markets, when trends reach irrational extremes and prices go from fair to excessive. But they’ll also make you a long-term survivor. I can’t help thinking that’s a prerequisite for investment success.

The checklist for market sanity and safety is simple, and the answers will tell you what to do:

Are prospective returns adequate?

Are investors appropriately risk-averse?

Are they applying skepticism and discipline?

Are they demanding sufficient risk premiums?

Are valuations reasonable relative to historic standards?

Are deal structures fair to investors?

Are investors declining any of the new deals?

Are there limits on faith in the future?

The basic proposition is simple: Investors make the most and the safest money when they do things other people don’t want to do. But when investors are unworried and glad to make risky investments (or worried but investing anyway, because the low-risk alternatives are unappealing), asset prices will be high, risk premiums will be low, and markets will be risky. That’s what happens when there’s too much money and too little fear.

I’ll close with a final “ditto,” from “The Race to the Bottom” of just over ten years ago:

If you refuse to fall into line in carefree markets like today’s, it’s likely that, for a while, you’ll (a) lag in terms of return and (b) look like an old fogey. But neither of those is much of a price to pay if it means keeping your head (and capital) when others eventually lose theirs. In my experience, times of laxness have always been followed eventually by corrections in which penalties are imposed. It may not happen this time, but I’ll take that risk.

What Am I Doing Now? I don’t claim to be among the smartest investors out there, so knowing what I’m doing now shouldn’t matter to you much. But, just for its fun element, here is what I’m doing with my savings and investments now –

First, I am not selling (or looking to sell) my high-quality investments just because their valuations have reached a high level. In fact, I don’t intend to sell such stocks ever, till I need to meet a financial goal or till the underlying businesses give me reasons to sell them.

Second, if I’m finding value in certain pockets of the market, I am investing instead of waiting for even perfect values.

Third, I am completely off the temptation of buying “chor” (crooked) companies and managements. I don’t buy into this theory of searching for value in garbage quality stuff just because there’s nothing available of the high-quality stuff. I remind myself of what Thomas Phelps wrote in his book 100 to 1 in the Stock Market – “Remember that a man who will steal for you, will steal from you.”

Fourth, I understand and highly appreciate this fact that being a part-time investor who is not dependent on the stock market for his living puts me under no obligation to act at all times. When I have nothing to do in the markets, I do nothing. I love this flexibility and put it to complete use.

Fifth, I understand that I am not entitled to “always high prices” from my stocks. And thus, I keep my bulls**t indicator on high alert when I see someone pitching me even higher prices. I have never bought blindly on tips, and I maintain such a stance however attractive the proposition looks like. As a wise man said, “Tips are just that. Tips. Following blindly is setting you up for epic ruin.” This is especially true in markets like these.

Sixth, to act on my increased caution with every surge in prices, I am allocating a smaller portion of my incremental savings to equities (the rest goes to liquid funds etc.).

Seventh (and I’ll end here for it’s my lucky number), I am spending less and less time thinking and looking at the stock market and my stocks, and more time reading, doing nothing, and fooling around with my family. That keeps me away from all or any madness that others deeply involved in stocks may be bearing now.

To repeat, all this that I am doing should not be a big deal for you.

But what Mr. Marks says, I think, should be.

Remember history and learn from it. Ask questions. Believe in cycles. Be skeptical. Insist on low purchase prices that provide lots of room for error.

You have my best wishes.

The post Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets appeared first on Safal Niveshak.

Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets published first on https://mbploans.tumblr.com/

[heliosfinance]

Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets

Recent advances in neuroscience and physiology have shown that when we take risk, including financial risk, we do a lot more than just think about it.

We prepare for it physically. Our bodies, expecting action, switch on an emergency network of physiological circuitry, and the resulting surge in electrical and chemical activity feeds back on the brain, affecting the way it thinks. In this way, the body and the brain string together as a single entity, united in the face of challenge.

Normally, this fusion of body and brain provides us with the fast reactions and gut feelings we need for successful risk-taking. But under some circumstances, these chemical surges can overwhelm us. And when this happens to investors, they come to suffer an irrational exuberance (or pessimism) that can destabilize the financial markets and subsequently wreak havoc on investors’ wealth creation process.

Consider bull markets. When rising stock prices start to validate investors’ belief, the profits they make translate into a lot more than mere greed. They bring on powerful feelings of euphoria and supremacy.

It is at this point that investors feel the bonds of worldly life slip from their shoulders and they begin to flex their muscles like a newborn superhero.

In such situations, assessment of risk is replaced by verdicts of certainty (like “Nifty is quickly headed towards 20,000 points” or “This time it’s different” thinking). Most investors just know what is going to happen with the stock market in general, and their stock prices in particular. And it is such a time in the financial markets’ journey that requires someone like the legendary investor Howard Marks to write one of his most cautionary memos to clients of his fund Oaktree Capital.

As Marks mentions in his latest memo, there have been several times he has written cautionary memos in past. But he confesses at the very start of this memo, “Some of the memos I’m happiest about having written came at times when bullish trends went too far, risk aversion disappeared and bubbles inflated.”

He wrote one such memo on the first day of 2000 (bubble.com), when the dotcom bubble was near its peak. The other was in February 2007 (The Race to the Bottom), just when last major crisis was nearing its peak.

Now, he writes this in his latest memo –

I’m convinced “they” are at it again – engaging in willing risk-taking, funding risky deals and creating risky market conditions – it’s time for yet another cautionary memo. Too soon? I hope so; we’d rather make money for our clients in the next year or two than see the kind of bust that gives rise to bargains. (We all want there to be bargains, but no one’s eager to endure the price declines that create them.) Since we never know when risky behavior will bring on a market correction, I’m going to issue a warning today rather than wait until one is upon us.

Marks then shares a list of the elements that typically form the foundation for a bull market, boom or bubble (quotes in italics are mine) –

A benign environment (exists) – good results lull investors into complacency, as they get used to having their positive expectations rewarded. Gains in the recent past encourage the heated pursuit of further gains in the future (rather than suggest that past gains might have borrowed from future gains).

A grain of truth (exists) – the story supporting a boom isn’t created out of whole cloth; it generally coalesces around something real. The seed usually isn’t imaginary, just eventually overblown.

Early success (yes, seen all around) – the gains enjoyed by the “wise man in the beginning” – the first to seize upon the grain of truth – tends to attract “the fool in the end” who jumps in too late.

More money than ideas (yes, yes, yes) – when capital is in oversupply, it is inevitable that risk aversion dries up, gullibility expands, and investment standards are relaxed.

Willing suspension of disbelief (doesn’t seem as of now, but we’re almost getting there) – the quest for gain overcomes prudence and deference to history. Everyone concludes “this time it’s different.” No story is too good to be true.

Rejection of valuation norms (exists) – all we hear is, “the asset is so great: there’s no price too high.” Buying into a fad regardless of price is the absolute hallmark of a bubble.

The pursuit of the new (yes, youngsters are getting richer faster) – old timers fare worst in a boom, with the gains going disproportionately to those who are untrammeled by knowledge of the past and thus able to buy into an entirely new future.

The virtuous circle (exists) – no one can see any end to the potential of the underlying truth or how high it can push the prices of related assets. It’s broadly accepted that trees can grow to the sky: “It can only go up. Nothing can stop it.” Certainly, no one can picture things taking a turn for the worse.

Fear of missing out (can see all around) – when all the above becomes widespread, optimism prevails and no one can imagine a glitch. That causes most people to conclude that the greatest potential error lies in failing to participate in the current market darling.

The healthy part about the current times Marks mentions is that, while many of the things listed above are in play today, some of the usual ingredients are missing.

Unlike what we last saw in the 2007 boom period, many investors today are conscious of the uncertainties listed above, and also recognize that prospective returns are quite skimpy. Many also accept that things are unlikely to go well forever.

But the big problem we have on hand is that most of us cannot think of what might cause trouble anytime soon. This leads Marks to write –

…it’s precisely when people can’t see what it is that could make things turn down that risk is highest, since they tend not to price in risks they can’t see. With the negative catalyst so elusive and the return on cash at punitive levels, people worry more about being underinvested or bearing too little risk (and thus earning too low a return in good markets) than they do about losing money.

“How difficult could this get?” you may start to wonder when you read that even a legend like Marks is doubting whether he’s early to sound the caution bells. But who said investing was easy?

As Morgan Housel wrote in one of his recent posts –

Investing is not easy. Why? Because most of matters can’t be easily defined as black or white. It’s a vague, shifting shade of grey.

No analyst or fund manager on television will ever tell you this – that investing is not easy, even for them. No superstar investor on social media will do it either.

Of course, the rules of success in investing are simple and have been laid down clearly for decades now, first by Mr. Graham, then by Mr. Fisher, and then refined by Mr. Buffett and Mr. Munger. But the not easy part is taking these lessons seriously and practicing them over long periods of time, especially in today’s times when too much information and too much noise crowds these lessons out of an investors’ brain. And when too many people are seeking instant gratification.

So, What to Do Now? Chess legend Garry Kasparov advises this in the introduction of his book How Life Imitates Chess –

The stock market and the gridiron and the battlefield aren’t as tidy as the chessboard. But in all of them, a single simple rule holds true: make good decisions and you’ll succeed; make bad ones and you’ll fail.

Make good decisions. Yes, that’s the best advice. Always make good decisions…whether times are good or whether they are bad. Certain or uncertain. Also, while making decisions, caution must always be the keyword for a sensible investor.

In fact, Mr. Marks has re-rung the cautious bell like he does in most of his memos. In his latest one, he mentions about continuing to follow his 2012 mantra –

“move forward, but with caution” – and, given today’s conditions, with even more caution than in the recent past.

The last part of his memo is particularly enlightening because here he offers us on a platter all he may have learned about dealing with bull markets in his decades of investment experience. Here’s that part verbatim –

…the keys to avoiding the classic mistakes (in such market conditions are) –

awareness of history,

belief in cycles rather than unabated, unidirectional trends,

skepticism regarding the free lunch, and

insistence on low purchase prices that provide lots of room for error.

Adherence to these things – all parts of the canon of defensive investing – invariably will cause you to miss the most exciting part of bull markets, when trends reach irrational extremes and prices go from fair to excessive. But they’ll also make you a long-term survivor. I can’t help thinking that’s a prerequisite for investment success.

The checklist for market sanity and safety is simple, and the answers will tell you what to do:

Are prospective returns adequate?

Are investors appropriately risk-averse?

Are they applying skepticism and discipline?

Are they demanding sufficient risk premiums?

Are valuations reasonable relative to historic standards?

Are deal structures fair to investors?

Are investors declining any of the new deals?

Are there limits on faith in the future?

The basic proposition is simple: Investors make the most and the safest money when they do things other people don’t want to do. But when investors are unworried and glad to make risky investments (or worried but investing anyway, because the low-risk alternatives are unappealing), asset prices will be high, risk premiums will be low, and markets will be risky. That’s what happens when there’s too much money and too little fear.

I’ll close with a final “ditto,” from “The Race to the Bottom” of just over ten years ago:

If you refuse to fall into line in carefree markets like today’s, it’s likely that, for a while, you’ll (a) lag in terms of return and (b) look like an old fogey. But neither of those is much of a price to pay if it means keeping your head (and capital) when others eventually lose theirs. In my experience, times of laxness have always been followed eventually by corrections in which penalties are imposed. It may not happen this time, but I’ll take that risk.

What Am I Doing Now? I don’t claim to be among the smartest investors out there, so knowing what I’m doing now shouldn’t matter to you much. But, just for its fun element, here is what I’m doing with my savings and investments now –

First, I am not selling (or looking to sell) my high-quality investments just because their valuations have reached a high level. In fact, I don’t intend to sell such stocks ever, till I need to meet a financial goal or till the underlying businesses give me reasons to sell them.

Second, if I’m finding value in certain pockets of the market, I am investing instead of waiting for even perfect values.

Third, I am completely off the temptation of buying “chor” (crooked) companies and managements. I don’t buy into this theory of searching for value in garbage quality stuff just because there’s nothing available of the high-quality stuff. I remind myself of what Thomas Phelps wrote in his book 100 to 1 in the Stock Market – “Remember that a man who will steal for you, will steal from you.”

Fourth, I understand and highly appreciate this fact that being a part-time investor who is not dependent on the stock market for his living puts me under no obligation to act at all times. When I have nothing to do in the markets, I do nothing. I love this flexibility and put it to complete use.

Fifth, I understand that I am not entitled to “always high prices” from my stocks. And thus, I keep my bulls**t indicator on high alert when I see someone pitching me even higher prices. I have never bought blindly on tips, and I maintain such a stance however attractive the proposition looks like. As a wise man said, “Tips are just that. Tips. Following blindly is setting you up for epic ruin.” This is especially true in markets like these.

Sixth, to act on my increased caution with every surge in prices, I am allocating a smaller portion of my incremental savings to equities (the rest goes to liquid funds etc.).

Seventh (and I’ll end here for it’s my lucky number), I am spending less and less time thinking and looking at the stock market and my stocks, and more time reading, doing nothing, and fooling around with my family. That keeps me away from all or any madness that others deeply involved in stocks may be bearing now.

To repeat, all this that I am doing should not be a big deal for you.

But what Mr. Marks says, I think, should be.

Remember history and learn from it. Ask questions. Believe in cycles. Be skeptical. Insist on low purchase prices that provide lots of room for error.

You have my best wishes.

The post Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets appeared first on Safal Niveshak.

Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets published first on http://ift.tt/2ljLF4B

[heliosfinance]

Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets

Recent advances in neuroscience and physiology have shown that when we take risk, including financial risk, we do a lot more than just think about it.

We prepare for it physically. Our bodies, expecting action, switch on an emergency network of physiological circuitry, and the resulting surge in electrical and chemical activity feeds back on the brain, affecting the way it thinks. In this way, the body and the brain string together as a single entity, united in the face of challenge.

Normally, this fusion of body and brain provides us with the fast reactions and gut feelings we need for successful risk-taking. But under some circumstances, these chemical surges can overwhelm us. And when this happens to investors, they come to suffer an irrational exuberance (or pessimism) that can destabilize the financial markets and subsequently wreak havoc on investors’ wealth creation process.

Consider bull markets. When rising stock prices start to validate investors’ belief, the profits they make translate into a lot more than mere greed. They bring on powerful feelings of euphoria and supremacy.

It is at this point that investors feel the bonds of worldly life slip from their shoulders and they begin to flex their muscles like a newborn superhero.

In such situations, assessment of risk is replaced by verdicts of certainty (like “Nifty is quickly headed towards 20,000 points” or “This time it’s different” thinking). Most investors just know what is going to happen with the stock market in general, and their stock prices in particular. And it is such a time in the financial markets’ journey that requires someone like the legendary investor Howard Marks to write one of his most cautionary memos to clients of his fund Oaktree Capital.

As Marks mentions in his latest memo, there have been several times he has written cautionary memos in past. But he confesses at the very start of this memo, “Some of the memos I’m happiest about having written came at times when bullish trends went too far, risk aversion disappeared and bubbles inflated.”

He wrote one such memo on the first day of 2000 (bubble.com), when the dotcom bubble was near its peak. The other was in February 2007 (The Race to the Bottom), just when last major crisis was nearing its peak.

Now, he writes this in his latest memo –

I’m convinced “they” are at it again – engaging in willing risk-taking, funding risky deals and creating risky market conditions – it’s time for yet another cautionary memo. Too soon? I hope so; we’d rather make money for our clients in the next year or two than see the kind of bust that gives rise to bargains. (We all want there to be bargains, but no one’s eager to endure the price declines that create them.) Since we never know when risky behavior will bring on a market correction, I’m going to issue a warning today rather than wait until one is upon us.

Marks then shares a list of the elements that typically form the foundation for a bull market, boom or bubble (quotes in italics are mine) –

A benign environment (exists) – good results lull investors into complacency, as they get used to having their positive expectations rewarded. Gains in the recent past encourage the heated pursuit of further gains in the future (rather than suggest that past gains might have borrowed from future gains).

A grain of truth (exists) – the story supporting a boom isn’t created out of whole cloth; it generally coalesces around something real. The seed usually isn’t imaginary, just eventually overblown.

Early success (yes, seen all around) – the gains enjoyed by the “wise man in the beginning” – the first to seize upon the grain of truth – tends to attract “the fool in the end” who jumps in too late.

More money than ideas (yes, yes, yes) – when capital is in oversupply, it is inevitable that risk aversion dries up, gullibility expands, and investment standards are relaxed.

Willing suspension of disbelief (doesn’t seem as of now, but we’re almost getting there) – the quest for gain overcomes prudence and deference to history. Everyone concludes “this time it’s different.” No story is too good to be true.

Rejection of valuation norms (exists) – all we hear is, “the asset is so great: there’s no price too high.” Buying into a fad regardless of price is the absolute hallmark of a bubble.

The pursuit of the new (yes, youngsters are getting richer faster) – old timers fare worst in a boom, with the gains going disproportionately to those who are untrammeled by knowledge of the past and thus able to buy into an entirely new future.

The virtuous circle (exists) – no one can see any end to the potential of the underlying truth or how high it can push the prices of related assets. It’s broadly accepted that trees can grow to the sky: “It can only go up. Nothing can stop it.” Certainly, no one can picture things taking a turn for the worse.

Fear of missing out (can see all around) – when all the above becomes widespread, optimism prevails and no one can imagine a glitch. That causes most people to conclude that the greatest potential error lies in failing to participate in the current market darling.

The healthy part about the current times Marks mentions is that, while many of the things listed above are in play today, some of the usual ingredients are missing.

Unlike what we last saw in the 2007 boom period, many investors today are conscious of the uncertainties listed above, and also recognize that prospective returns are quite skimpy. Many also accept that things are unlikely to go well forever.

But the big problem we have on hand is that most of us cannot think of what might cause trouble anytime soon. This leads Marks to write –

…it’s precisely when people can’t see what it is that could make things turn down that risk is highest, since they tend not to price in risks they can’t see. With the negative catalyst so elusive and the return on cash at punitive levels, people worry more about being underinvested or bearing too little risk (and thus earning too low a return in good markets) than they do about losing money.

“How difficult could this get?” you may start to wonder when you read that even a legend like Marks is doubting whether he’s early to sound the caution bells. But who said investing was easy?

As Morgan Housel wrote in one of his recent posts –

Investing is not easy. Why? Because most of matters can’t be easily defined as black or white. It’s a vague, shifting shade of grey.

No analyst or fund manager on television will ever tell you this – that investing is not easy, even for them. No superstar investor on social media will do it either.

Of course, the rules of success in investing are simple and have been laid down clearly for decades now, first by Mr. Graham, then by Mr. Fisher, and then refined by Mr. Buffett and Mr. Munger. But the not easy part is taking these lessons seriously and practicing them over long periods of time, especially in today’s times when too much information and too much noise crowds these lessons out of an investors’ brain. And when too many people are seeking instant gratification.

So, What to Do Now? Chess legend Garry Kasparov advises this in the introduction of his book How Life Imitates Chess –

The stock market and the gridiron and the battlefield aren’t as tidy as the chessboard. But in all of them, a single simple rule holds true: make good decisions and you’ll succeed; make bad ones and you’ll fail.

Make good decisions. Yes, that’s the best advice. Always make good decisions…whether times are good or whether they are bad. Certain or uncertain. Also, while making decisions, caution must always be the keyword for a sensible investor.

In fact, Mr. Marks has re-rung the cautious bell like he does in most of his memos. In his latest one, he mentions about continuing to follow his 2012 mantra –

“move forward, but with caution” – and, given today’s conditions, with even more caution than in the recent past.

The last part of his memo is particularly enlightening because here he offers us on a platter all he may have learned about dealing with bull markets in his decades of investment experience. Here’s that part verbatim –

…the keys to avoiding the classic mistakes (in such market conditions are) –

awareness of history,

belief in cycles rather than unabated, unidirectional trends,

skepticism regarding the free lunch, and

insistence on low purchase prices that provide lots of room for error.

Adherence to these things – all parts of the canon of defensive investing – invariably will cause you to miss the most exciting part of bull markets, when trends reach irrational extremes and prices go from fair to excessive. But they’ll also make you a long-term survivor. I can’t help thinking that’s a prerequisite for investment success.

The checklist for market sanity and safety is simple, and the answers will tell you what to do:

Are prospective returns adequate?

Are investors appropriately risk-averse?

Are they applying skepticism and discipline?

Are they demanding sufficient risk premiums?

Are valuations reasonable relative to historic standards?

Are deal structures fair to investors?

Are investors declining any of the new deals?

Are there limits on faith in the future?

The basic proposition is simple: Investors make the most and the safest money when they do things other people don’t want to do. But when investors are unworried and glad to make risky investments (or worried but investing anyway, because the low-risk alternatives are unappealing), asset prices will be high, risk premiums will be low, and markets will be risky. That’s what happens when there’s too much money and too little fear.

I’ll close with a final “ditto,” from “The Race to the Bottom” of just over ten years ago:

If you refuse to fall into line in carefree markets like today’s, it’s likely that, for a while, you’ll (a) lag in terms of return and (b) look like an old fogey. But neither of those is much of a price to pay if it means keeping your head (and capital) when others eventually lose theirs. In my experience, times of laxness have always been followed eventually by corrections in which penalties are imposed. It may not happen this time, but I’ll take that risk.

What Am I Doing Now? I don’t claim to be among the smartest investors out there, so knowing what I’m doing now shouldn’t matter to you much. But, just for its fun element, here is what I’m doing with my savings and investments now –

First, I am not selling (or looking to sell) my high-quality investments just because their valuations have reached a high level. In fact, I don’t intend to sell such stocks ever, till I need to meet a financial goal or till the underlying businesses give me reasons to sell them.

Second, if I’m finding value in certain pockets of the market, I am investing instead of waiting for even perfect values.

Third, I am completely off the temptation of buying “chor” (crooked) companies and managements. I don’t buy into this theory of searching for value in garbage quality stuff just because there’s nothing available of the high-quality stuff. I remind myself of what Thomas Phelps wrote in his book 100 to 1 in the Stock Market – “Remember that a man who will steal for you, will steal from you.”

Fourth, I understand and highly appreciate this fact that being a part-time investor who is not dependent on the stock market for his living puts me under no obligation to act at all times. When I have nothing to do in the markets, I do nothing. I love this flexibility and put it to complete use.

Fifth, I understand that I am not entitled to “always high prices” from my stocks. And thus, I keep my bulls**t indicator on high alert when I see someone pitching me even higher prices. I have never bought blindly on tips, and I maintain such a stance however attractive the proposition looks like. As a wise man said, “Tips are just that. Tips. Following blindly is setting you up for epic ruin.” This is especially true in markets like these.

Sixth, to act on my increased caution with every surge in prices, I am allocating a smaller portion of my incremental savings to equities (the rest goes to liquid funds etc.).

Seventh (and I’ll end here for it’s my lucky number), I am spending less and less time thinking and looking at the stock market and my stocks, and more time reading, doing nothing, and fooling around with my family. That keeps me away from all or any madness that others deeply involved in stocks may be bearing now.

To repeat, all this that I am doing should not be a big deal for you.

But what Mr. Marks says, I think, should be.

Remember history and learn from it. Ask questions. Believe in cycles. Be skeptical. Insist on low purchase prices that provide lots of room for error.

You have my best wishes.

The post Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets appeared first on Safal Niveshak.

Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets published first on http://ift.tt/2ljLF4B

[heliosfinance]

Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets

Recent advances in neuroscience and physiology have shown that when we take risk, including financial risk, we do a lot more than just think about it.

We prepare for it physically. Our bodies, expecting action, switch on an emergency network of physiological circuitry, and the resulting surge in electrical and chemical activity feeds back on the brain, affecting the way it thinks. In this way, the body and the brain string together as a single entity, united in the face of challenge.

Normally, this fusion of body and brain provides us with the fast reactions and gut feelings we need for successful risk-taking. But under some circumstances, these chemical surges can overwhelm us. And when this happens to investors, they come to suffer an irrational exuberance (or pessimism) that can destabilize the financial markets and subsequently wreak havoc on investors’ wealth creation process.

Consider bull markets. When rising stock prices start to validate investors’ belief, the profits they make translate into a lot more than mere greed. They bring on powerful feelings of euphoria and supremacy.

It is at this point that investors feel the bonds of worldly life slip from their shoulders and they begin to flex their muscles like a newborn superhero.

In such situations, assessment of risk is replaced by verdicts of certainty (like “Nifty is quickly headed towards 20,000 points” or “This time it’s different” thinking). Most investors just know what is going to happen with the stock market in general, and their stock prices in particular. And it is such a time in the financial markets’ journey that requires someone like the legendary investor Howard Marks to write one of his most cautionary memos to clients of his fund Oaktree Capital.

As Marks mentions in his latest memo, there have been several times he has written cautionary memos in past. But he confesses at the very start of this memo, “Some of the memos I’m happiest about having written came at times when bullish trends went too far, risk aversion disappeared and bubbles inflated.”

He wrote one such memo on the first day of 2000 (bubble.com), when the dotcom bubble was near its peak. The other was in February 2007 (The Race to the Bottom), just when last major crisis was nearing its peak.

Now, he writes this in his latest memo –

I’m convinced “they” are at it again – engaging in willing risk-taking, funding risky deals and creating risky market conditions – it’s time for yet another cautionary memo. Too soon? I hope so; we’d rather make money for our clients in the next year or two than see the kind of bust that gives rise to bargains. (We all want there to be bargains, but no one’s eager to endure the price declines that create them.) Since we never know when risky behavior will bring on a market correction, I’m going to issue a warning today rather than wait until one is upon us.

Marks then shares a list of the elements that typically form the foundation for a bull market, boom or bubble (quotes in italics are mine) –

A benign environment (exists) – good results lull investors into complacency, as they get used to having their positive expectations rewarded. Gains in the recent past encourage the heated pursuit of further gains in the future (rather than suggest that past gains might have borrowed from future gains).

A grain of truth (exists) – the story supporting a boom isn’t created out of whole cloth; it generally coalesces around something real. The seed usually isn’t imaginary, just eventually overblown.

Early success (yes, seen all around) – the gains enjoyed by the “wise man in the beginning” – the first to seize upon the grain of truth – tends to attract “the fool in the end” who jumps in too late.

More money than ideas (yes, yes, yes) – when capital is in oversupply, it is inevitable that risk aversion dries up, gullibility expands, and investment standards are relaxed.

Willing suspension of disbelief (doesn’t seem as of now, but we’re almost getting there) – the quest for gain overcomes prudence and deference to history. Everyone concludes “this time it’s different.” No story is too good to be true.

Rejection of valuation norms (exists) – all we hear is, “the asset is so great: there’s no price too high.” Buying into a fad regardless of price is the absolute hallmark of a bubble.

The pursuit of the new (yes, youngsters are getting richer faster) – old timers fare worst in a boom, with the gains going disproportionately to those who are untrammeled by knowledge of the past and thus able to buy into an entirely new future.

The virtuous circle (exists) – no one can see any end to the potential of the underlying truth or how high it can push the prices of related assets. It’s broadly accepted that trees can grow to the sky: “It can only go up. Nothing can stop it.” Certainly, no one can picture things taking a turn for the worse.

Fear of missing out (can see all around) – when all the above becomes widespread, optimism prevails and no one can imagine a glitch. That causes most people to conclude that the greatest potential error lies in failing to participate in the current market darling.

The healthy part about the current times Marks mentions is that, while many of the things listed above are in play today, some of the usual ingredients are missing.

Unlike what we last saw in the 2007 boom period, many investors today are conscious of the uncertainties listed above, and also recognize that prospective returns are quite skimpy. Many also accept that things are unlikely to go well forever.

But the big problem we have on hand is that most of us cannot think of what might cause trouble anytime soon. This leads Marks to write –

…it’s precisely when people can’t see what it is that could make things turn down that risk is highest, since they tend not to price in risks they can’t see. With the negative catalyst so elusive and the return on cash at punitive levels, people worry more about being underinvested or bearing too little risk (and thus earning too low a return in good markets) than they do about losing money.

“How difficult could this get?” you may start to wonder when you read that even a legend like Marks is doubting whether he’s early to sound the caution bells. But who said investing was easy?

As Morgan Housel wrote in one of his recent posts –

Investing is not easy. Why? Because most of matters can’t be easily defined as black or white. It’s a vague, shifting shade of grey.

No analyst or fund manager on television will ever tell you this – that investing is not easy, even for them. No superstar investor on social media will do it either.

Of course, the rules of success in investing are simple and have been laid down clearly for decades now, first by Mr. Graham, then by Mr. Fisher, and then refined by Mr. Buffett and Mr. Munger. But the not easy part is taking these lessons seriously and practicing them over long periods of time, especially in today’s times when too much information and too much noise crowds these lessons out of an investors’ brain. And when too many people are seeking instant gratification.

So, What to Do Now? Chess legend Garry Kasparov advises this in the introduction of his book How Life Imitates Chess –

The stock market and the gridiron and the battlefield aren’t as tidy as the chessboard. But in all of them, a single simple rule holds true: make good decisions and you’ll succeed; make bad ones and you’ll fail.

Make good decisions. Yes, that’s the best advice. Always make good decisions…whether times are good or whether they are bad. Certain or uncertain. Also, while making decisions, caution must always be the keyword for a sensible investor.

In fact, Mr. Marks has re-rung the cautious bell like he does in most of his memos. In his latest one, he mentions about continuing to follow his 2012 mantra –

“move forward, but with caution” – and, given today’s conditions, with even more caution than in the recent past.

The last part of his memo is particularly enlightening because here he offers us on a platter all he may have learned about dealing with bull markets in his decades of investment experience. Here’s that part verbatim –

…the keys to avoiding the classic mistakes (in such market conditions are) –

awareness of history,

belief in cycles rather than unabated, unidirectional trends,

skepticism regarding the free lunch, and

insistence on low purchase prices that provide lots of room for error.

Adherence to these things – all parts of the canon of defensive investing – invariably will cause you to miss the most exciting part of bull markets, when trends reach irrational extremes and prices go from fair to excessive. But they’ll also make you a long-term survivor. I can’t help thinking that’s a prerequisite for investment success.

The checklist for market sanity and safety is simple, and the answers will tell you what to do:

Are prospective returns adequate?

Are investors appropriately risk-averse?

Are they applying skepticism and discipline?

Are they demanding sufficient risk premiums?

Are valuations reasonable relative to historic standards?

Are deal structures fair to investors?

Are investors declining any of the new deals?

Are there limits on faith in the future?

The basic proposition is simple: Investors make the most and the safest money when they do things other people don’t want to do. But when investors are unworried and glad to make risky investments (or worried but investing anyway, because the low-risk alternatives are unappealing), asset prices will be high, risk premiums will be low, and markets will be risky. That’s what happens when there’s too much money and too little fear.

I’ll close with a final “ditto,” from “The Race to the Bottom” of just over ten years ago:

If you refuse to fall into line in carefree markets like today’s, it’s likely that, for a while, you’ll (a) lag in terms of return and (b) look like an old fogey. But neither of those is much of a price to pay if it means keeping your head (and capital) when others eventually lose theirs. In my experience, times of laxness have always been followed eventually by corrections in which penalties are imposed. It may not happen this time, but I’ll take that risk.

What Am I Doing Now? I don’t claim to be among the smartest investors out there, so knowing what I’m doing now shouldn’t matter to you much. But, just for its fun element, here is what I’m doing with my savings and investments now –

First, I am not selling (or looking to sell) my high-quality investments just because their valuations have reached a high level. In fact, I don’t intend to sell such stocks ever, till I need to meet a financial goal or till the underlying businesses give me reasons to sell them.

Second, if I’m finding value in certain pockets of the market, I am investing instead of waiting for even perfect values.

Third, I am completely off the temptation of buying “chor” (crooked) companies and managements. I don’t buy into this theory of searching for value in garbage quality stuff just because there’s nothing available of the high-quality stuff. I remind myself of what Thomas Phelps wrote in his book 100 to 1 in the Stock Market – “Remember that a man who will steal for you, will steal from you.”

Fourth, I understand and highly appreciate this fact that being a part-time investor who is not dependent on the stock market for his living puts me under no obligation to act at all times. When I have nothing to do in the markets, I do nothing. I love this flexibility and put it to complete use.

Fifth, I understand that I am not entitled to “always high prices” from my stocks. And thus, I keep my bulls**t indicator on high alert when I see someone pitching me even higher prices. I have never bought blindly on tips, and I maintain such a stance however attractive the proposition looks like. As a wise man said, “Tips are just that. Tips. Following blindly is setting you up for epic ruin.” This is especially true in markets like these.

Sixth, to act on my increased caution with every surge in prices, I am allocating a smaller portion of my incremental savings to equities (the rest goes to liquid funds etc.).

Seventh (and I’ll end here for it’s my lucky number), I am spending less and less time thinking and looking at the stock market and my stocks, and more time reading, doing nothing, and fooling around with my family. That keeps me away from all or any madness that others deeply involved in stocks may be bearing now.

To repeat, all this that I am doing should not be a big deal for you.

But what Mr. Marks says, I think, should be.

Remember history and learn from it. Ask questions. Believe in cycles. Be skeptical. Insist on low purchase prices that provide lots of room for error.

You have my best wishes.

The post Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets appeared first on Safal Niveshak.

Move Forward, But with Caution: Lessons from Howard Marks on How to Deal with Bull Markets published first on http://ift.tt/2ljLF4B