#i’m insecure and so i hate taking risks and so i fail inherently because i can’t rise to the challenge

[dundeelemonade]

cause like there’s something screwy with my brain or whatever that makes dying in a game scary, to the point that i can’t even proceed far enough in botw to figure out how to handle my first guardian, and i have a long list of games that i own and haven’t played more than an hour of because i just really don’t like dying! and i just want to know how get over that hurdle.

[youbloodymadgenius]

Angel’s Touch (Modern!Ivar x reader)

A/N: This is my long overdue contribution to @rosepetals-flyingbirds‘ challenge. I’m sorry it took me so long, babe 💖 I’ve been going through a lot lately (including the loss of a loved one) and I wasn’t in the mood to write 😔

The prompt, as usual, is in bold.

Thanks to the lovely @geekandbooknerd for beta reading this for me 🌺

Let me know if you want to be tagged 😊

The gif belongs to @therealcalicali 💐

Summary: Ivar's always been very secretive when it comes to his legs. How is he going to react when you tell him you want to know all of him?

Warnings: angst; fluff at the end; Ivar’s insecurities; soft and vulnerable Ivar.

Words: 4600

"I'm coming!" you shout enthusiastically, wrapping a soft towel around your body before closing the bathroom door behind you. 

 Wincing at your words, Ivar hastily hides his legs under the comforter. "That was a close one…", he mumbles while breathing a sigh of relief. Deep down, he knows he's not doing the right thing. Avoiding the problem will not make it go away.

 He can't help himself, though. He still has nightmares about that awful night with Margrethe. It was years ago, yet memories of her disgusted look as well as her eyes full of pity still haunt his nights, vivid and humiliating. 

He doesn't want to go through that again. It would be unbearable and painful, much worse than the dull ache he's used to enduring every day. No, he definitely can't relive it. Shuddering at this thought, Ivar squeezes his eyes shut and clenches his fists tight. 

 He won't allow it. He can't. Because he's not sure he can get over it again. After Margrethe, he had been broken – more broken than his broken bones – for so long. It had taken him years of therapy to stop being disgusted by himself, to stop hating himself for what he was. A freak. It had taken him years to endure looking at himself in a mirror. And it had taken him years to imagine sharing a bed with a woman again. 

 Oh, of course, he had fucked every so often. He needed it after the complete fiasco with Margrethe. He had to prove himself that he could… But it had always been in a hurry, and with random, uninteresting women. Till you…

 You. You're not random, and definitely not uninteresting. You're beautiful and smart, patient and funny, warmhearted and caring but never overbearing. You're… perfect, he thinks, and it scares him as much as it makes him shiver with excitement. On top of that, so far you don't seem bothered by his legs and he wants to keep it that way. 

 His legs. His fucking legs. The averted elephant in the room. Well, averted… more or less. Because if you've never seen them, you know the braces, the crutches, the uneven gait and he's pretty sure you've figured out his pain. But you two never talk about them. He knows that you understood from the beginning that they were, they are a major issue for him. You're smart enough for that. 

 Yet, you never bring them up and he couldn't be more grateful. He's very aware that he can't keep going like this for long. But he doesn't know how to address what is, to him, a huge matter of concern. He's afraid you'll go away as soon as you realize how damaged his legs are, how crippled he really is. He doesn't want to lose you. He can't. That would be insufferable. And he knows exactly why. It's not just that he likes you, that sex is great, and that you're fun to be around, no… He's helplessly falling in love with you. It may be terrifying, but it's no less true.

 That's why he does what he does. That's why he's always hurrying up, hiding, avoiding. It doesn't matter if it leads sometimes to awkward situations. It doesn't matter if you're not fooled. All that matters is that you don't see his legs; not for a long time anyway; and most preferably never.

 Inhaling deeply, Ivar slips his hands under the comforter, rubs his scrawny, bony, twisted thighs, feeling their scarred skin and grunting in disgust. He knows he's wrong, he knows he's not going anywhere, but he can't help. He can't risk losing you. 

 ***

 More sad than irritated, you hardly stifle a sigh as you enter the room. Once again, Ivar is unsurprisingly already in bed, his fluffy comforter keeping his legs out of sight. 

 His legs… A fucking huge elephant in the room… It's amazing – not in a good way – how something that's never addressed can take up so much space.  

 The truth is, you know a lot about them. Being a son of Ragnar, the man who rules Scandinavia – at least economically but surely politically too, with friends in the right places and enough money to corrupt them – didn't allow Ivar to grow up in the shadow. Ivar's life therefore has always been on display, making headlines more often than not. So you know about his disease and its inherent struggles, about the surgeries and about the pain – well, now you even witness it sometimes, and the way he always tries to hide it is heartwrenching. 

 You know more than you'd like to since you even know about his supposed failing sex life, that bitch whose name you've long forgotten having told her story to everyone around. It doesn't matter though, as you can testify that Ivar's cock is far from dysfunctional. 

 Anyway, if you know a lot – truths or lies – about his condition and about his legs, you don't know them. And you're aware it has to change. You just don't know how. You can't be too straightforward or Ivar will close up on you. Yet you can't let things go on like this for too long, because it's unhealthy. And an unhealthy relationship with Ivar is the last thing you want, both for his and your sake. 

 Somehow always in your mind, his legs make things awkward. Sex is great, but could even be better, for they prevent you from being spontaneous. The last thing you want is to make Ivar, the man you're falling in love with, uncomfortable. So, you don't speak about them because you can feel he doesn't want to speak about them. You don't look at them because his tight jaw is unmistakable each time your eyes wander to his lower body. You do your best never to touch them, which isn't easy when you share his bed. In short, most of the time you act as if they don't exist. And this has got to stop. 

 You can't let this unspoken thing continue to grow between the two of you or it will end up becoming a problem that will eat you up, you do know it with utmost certainty. You won't allow it. You can't. Ivar is important to you, to say the least, and you're pretty sure he reciprocates your feelings. You see it in his huge blue eyes that sparkle each time he looks at you; you hear it in the softness of his tone each time he talks to you. 

 So yeah, the whole situation annoys you. It doesn't mean that his legs annoy you. They don't. You won't lie, you're a little nervous about them. How could you not, given how sensitive a subject they are? Will you say the right thing? Do the right thing? Will you hurt Ivar unwillingly? Just thinking about it, about them, makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells. Ivar is being very touchy when it comes to them, to those-legs-we-mustn't-talk-about, it seems to you that the slightest word could ruin everything. And you don't want that. Gods, you don't. Yet, you're not sure how to handle well something that important.

  That's the point. His legs are that important. They shouldn't be. They shouldn't matter. They don't matter. Of course, you're not stupid. Ivar has a disability, there's no denying it. But it doesn't define him, right? What defines him is his outstanding intelligence, his sharp mind, and his deadpan, ironic humour. And well, if you're being honest, his ridiculous handsomeness too… It might sound shallow, but… who cares?  

 Anyway, enough is enough. Things must change and you're sure Ivar won't be the one initiating the change. It leaves you no choice, you know it. Your heart hammering in your chest, you rub your sweaty palms together before inhaling deeply. That's it. Let it be done. The sooner the better.  

 ***

 "Are you not coming?" Ivar's blue eyes are scrutinizing you from under furrowed brows as you scrabble around in your small overnight bag, as an idea has just popped into your head.

 Glancing at him over your shoulder, you barely nod while swallowing the lump in your throat. "Of course I am, give me a minute." You reply after a while, sounding more confident than you feel. But you know it's a good idea. It could be the first step. It could work. It has to work. 

 Your hands are shaking but your heart is filled with hope when you eventually find what you were looking for. "Here it is.", you mutter, a tentative smile playing on your lips as you turn towards your lover, who looks at the silk scarf in your hand with a mischievous grin. 

 "What is it on your naughty mind?" He asks playfully, tilting his head in his very own way, the one that melts your heart each and every time. "You want to blindfold me, Y/N?" His low, deep voice sends shivers down your spine. "Or maybe you'd rather be blindfolded? It's up to you, I'm totally on board with either one." He swallows heavily, and when he licks his upper lip and then the lower in a slow-moving and sensual motion, a familiar warmth spreads in your lower belly. 

  Of course, he had to misread the situation. And you, you're so easily, pathetically flustered! Closing your eyes to push away any distracting thoughts, you inhale deeply while just shaking your head no as you don't trust yourself to speak right now. 

 Raising a brow, Ivar gives you a questioning look. "So, what is it about, then?" His tone is more serious now, you can almost feel a hint of uneasiness in his voice as if a part of his brain already suspects what's in your mind. 

 "Actually, I want to be blindfolded, but not to do what you're thinking about." You explain, shyly lowering your gaze. "I'd like to try something." You speak in a whisper but with honesty, fidgeting with the little silver Mjölnir – a gift from Ivar – you wear around your neck. "If it's okay with you." You add, your shaky voice giving away your nervousness. 

 Confused, Ivar looks at you with knitted brows. Since you don't want to explain further – because you're sure that if you told him of your plan, he would deny you – you just climb on the bed, kneel next to him and bring the scarf to your face, wrapping it around your head and over your eyes before tying it in the back with a tight knot. 

 Being blinded like that, even if it's of your own volition, is quite unsettling, you must say. You feel weirdly exposed, vulnerable, in your tiny shorts and a tank top and you have to inhale and exhale slowly several times in order to calm your nerves. 

 Uncertain, Ivar keeps quiet, his breathing just a little bit shorter than usual. "Y/N?" His hesitant voice startles you and you swallow, biting your inner cheek. 

 You know you have to take action, the sooner the better. So you fumble blindly on the bed and as you find Ivar's hand, you bring it to your mouth, kissing each knuckle one after the other while your free hand slips under the comforter. 

 His breath hitches, yet Ivar doesn't react, doesn't stop you, as you slowly lift the comforter, pulling it away. But when your fingers graze what you think is his thigh, he grabs your wrist, wrapping his fingers around it. 

 "What…" Ivar stutters, his grip tight enough to bruise your delicate skin, "… What are you doing, Y/N?" His voice, barely audible, is nothing more than a shaky whisper that wrings your heart. 

 Yet, you won't back down. "Let me, Ivar, please…" You beg softly, but to no avail. Ivar rushes his words, panic coursing through his veins. "Stop Y/N! Don't, please don't, I… They are… They are ugly. I… I can't." That's it. He can't. Just thinking of you exposing his disgusting legs, he feels like throwing up. He can't. 

 Hearing your lover so upset, and maybe even close to tears, is heartbreaking. Raising your free hand, you find his arm, then his shoulder, his neck, and finally his face, which you cup tenderly. 

 "You do know I won't see them, don't you?" You ask carefully, peppering light kisses along his jaw while trying to slow down the frantic pace of your own heart. 

 Ivar doesn't miss a beat, pushing you away gently but very firmly. "You don't need your sight to feel how hideous they are." Almost convinced to give up by his broken voice, you struggle to keep in mind that postponing the problem can't be a solution. 

 "That's what you think about them, how you see them, Ivar, that's not what they are." Your tone soft and soothing, you're trying to convey how much you care. "And it's certainly not how I'm going to see or to feel them."

 "How would you know?" You can tell that he shifts in the bed to sit upright, his back against the headboard. His fingers still around your wrist, you have to stifle a hiss of pain when he changes position. 

 "Because they are a part of you. Nothing from you, or about you, can be ugly." You wince, realizing that you've just opened up to him more than you would have liked. But well, speaking your mind isn't a bad thing, right? 

 As Ivar, dumbstruck, keeps quiet, you decide to strike the iron while it's hot. Once again finding his cheek, your thumb lightly strokes it while you speak. "Let me touch them, Ivar…"

 You know him well enough to be sure that right now, a storm is clouding his features. But as his breathing starts to quicken and as his grip on your wrist loosens, you understand that he's more frightened than angry. "Please…" You plead, aiming blindly a reassuring smile in his direction. 

 "But… Wh… Why?" He's never felt so scared, not even with Margrethe. Even if the rational part of him knows you're right, he won't give up yet, not without fighting. "Why… Why does it have to be? You don't need to touch those fucking…", swallowing, he closes his eyes briefly, "… you don't need to touch my legs, Y/N. You don't. We could just go on like this, as we have done up to now. Believe me, it will be better like that."

 "No, it won't." You sigh, shaking your head. Ivar's distress may break your heart, yet you're more and more convinced that this is the right thing to do. "Let me touch them, Ivar, please…" You simply repeat, your free hand still on his cheek.

 "Why… Why is it so important to you?" As soon as the words escape his lips, he regrets them, wishes he could take them back. He should have said no. Why didn't he say no? Slapping himself internally, he rolls his eyes, annoyed as much by his own stupidity as by your stubbornness. 

 You answer in a sweet whisper, placing your hand on his chest. He's sure you can feel the crazy thumping of his heart under your palm. "Because your legs are a part of you, and I want to know everything about you. Will you let me, Ivar?"

 Ivar, deeply moved by your words, is eager to believe them. But on the other hand, it's so… frightening; unsettling. Not used to being so vulnerable in front of someone, he feels like he's being ripped apart, and gods, he hates it! "I… I don't know… I'm… not sure…" He eventually stammers almost unwillingly, more or less denying you once more, yet his resolution starts to falter, and he knows you can hear it. 

 Even more surprising, it's as if his body betrayed him, his fingers finally releasing your wrist. As you gasp, astonished and pleased, he ponders for a few moments before deciding – if deciding something against what seems to be your own will is even a thing – he won't stop you. He knows he could, but he also knows you're right. So, conflicted and petrified with fear, he just waves his hand, wiggling his fingers, and mumbles under his breath a faint "go ahead" that you almost miss.

 "Is that a 'yes', Ivar?" Full of hope and with what you're sure is a beaming smile on your lips, you intertwine your fidgeting fingers and put your hands on your lap, anxiously awaiting his reply. 

 His jaw clenched, Ivar just nods. At first, he doesn't realize that you can't see him. As the silence drags on, he furrows his brows, confused, before breathing a hesitant answer. "Yeahhh…" Digging his fingernails into his palms, he waits for your next move, almost like someone awaiting a death sentence.

 Sensing his anxiousness, you raise your hands and then move them very slowly, willing to give Ivar time to stop you if he needs to. Since he doesn't utter a word nor grab your wrists, you keep going, your fingers grazing what surely is his lower belly before finding the hem of his cotton boxer shorts. 

 Intensely aware of the importance of the moment, you can't help but swallow loudly, your stomach tied in knots. You started all this, and even if you're still not sure if it's the right time – will there ever be a right time for this? – you have to keep going. But you're scared. What if it'll push Ivar over the edge? What if it is too much for him? What if you won't handle this as well as you think you will? You don't want to lose him. Your mind suddenly filled with doubts, you do the only thing you can think of, and send a silent prayer to the gods, hoping they can help the two of you. 

 Holding his breath, Ivar looks at your hands as if he was hypnotized. His eyes wide open, he can't move, can't speak, utterly terrified of what is to come. He knows he should trust you. Maybe he does. But he doesn't trust himself. No, that's not true. Most of the time, Ivar doesn't lack self-confidence. He knows his worth. He's aware of the strength of his intelligence, his cunning. He knows about his good looks – even if they're quite useless; or about his highly appreciated caustic humour. And as he's no fool, he knows that being a Ragnarsson – name, wealth, all the stuff – is a major asset. Yet, when it comes to his legs, he's nothing more than a frightened little boy, so anxious that he's ready to fall apart. Feeling ashamed, self-conscious, and helpless, he's wondering how much tenser he can become until he physically shatters. Conflicted, he wants you to stop as well as he wants you to keep going. This has to be done. This should never be done. He's in love with you. You will never love him. You won't hurt him. He'll be hurt once again. Hectic, opposing thoughts are constantly fighting in his mind, leaving him frozen in fear and panicked. So, since he can't think straight, he does the only thing he can think of and sends a silent prayer to the gods. May they help him; help you. 

 Uselessly closing your eyes behind the blindfold, you gather your strength. Ivar didn't stop you. That's good. That means he wants you to do it, right? Inhaling deeply, you try to stop the shaking in your hands, and then, slightly leaning forward, you let your fingertips run over his thighs, barely touching them. You forget how to breathe and Ivar is so still, so quiet, you think he's not breathing either. 

 As you become bolder, you place the flat of your hands on his legs, careful not to apply any pressure. Under your palms, you can feel every bump, every scar, every broken bone. Your movements intentionally agonizingly slow, your hands move down to his protruding knee caps before finding his atrophied calves, their wasted muscles evident to the touch. You can't think how painful walking, or even just standing up, must be. The thought spreads a dull ache in your chest, but you keep your face emotionless, aware that if you can't see him, Ivar can see you. Rather than dwelling on it, you continue exploring, and when your fingers brush against the sole of one of his misshaped, scrawny feet, Ivar flinches. "Sorry," you mumble, "I didn't know you were ticklish." Since Ivar doesn't react, you're not sure he heard you and decide to slowly move your hands up his legs, placing them back on his bony thighs. 

 Keeping his eyes on you the whole time, Ivar struggles to breathe, his heart pounding wildly in his rib cage. He's surprised, he must say. He expected to see disgust or pity on your face, but there's none of that. Of course, he can't see your eyes, but a small smile never leaves your lips. Could it be that you're not disgusted? In any case, you don't seem troubled by what you're feeling. Maybe you're hiding it, but if so, you're hiding it well. He's also surprised because he expected to hate every moment of the process. Himself, he's all the time trying to avoid touching his legs. He hates PT sessions and doctor's appointments with a passion for a reason. But your touch is… enjoyable if he can push away all his doubts and his awful thoughts. It strikes him all of a sudden: it's probably the first time someone touches his legs for no reason at all. They were regularly massaged, checked for injuries, examined, palpated; of course, they were. But there was always a medical reason. Even when his mother touched them, it was to ease the pain. But you… you decided to touch his ugly limbs just because you wanted to. And just now, he realizes how much he missed that. Can he really miss something he's never known? He's not sure, but here he is, enjoying your featherlike touch, craving it, not wanting it to stop. Yes, he likes it; needs it. But what if, after tonight, you don't want to touch them again? He wouldn't blame you, who would want to touch such repulsive things? The thought brings bile to his throat and he knows it won't stop plaguing his mind. So he has to know, whatever it takes. Moving for the first time, he runs a trembling hand through his hair and summons all his courage.

 "You… you didn't say a word." His quivering voice startles you, making your heart swell with sadness. You don't need your eyes to know that Ivar is filled with dread. The need to reassure him compels you to blindly fumble on the bed until you find his hand, which you grasp between yours. "What do you want me to say?" You ask cautiously, your thumb lightly stroking his knuckles. 

 You can feel Ivar stiffening, his fingernails probably bruising your palms as he lets out a shuddering breath. "I…" He stops to swallow. "The… truth, Y/N. Go ahead, speak your mind. You… you touched…" He stutters, and you're willing to bet his eyes are tightly shut, his tone giving away his level of anxiety. "… you touched them. My legs, I mean. I know… I know how they feel, ugly and disgusting… no need to sugarcoat your thoughts… I… I can handle the truth…" His voice cracks at the end, contradicting his words.

 Releasing his hand, you graze his right thigh with gentle fingers. "No, Ivar", you speak softly yet firmly, "that's not how they feel, at least not to me." You know you have to be honest, you can't just say nonsensical, lovey-dovey things, he won't buy it. "I won't tell you they feel beautiful. They don't." Choosing your words carefully, you let your pointer finger follow a massive scar from his mid-thigh to his knee. "They feel different, and yes, you can feel the scars. It must have been painful, it's probably still is. But I promise you, they're not disgusting. They're your legs. They say a lot, Ivar. They're telling a story, your story. That's why I wanted to know them because as I said earlier, I want to know all about you. And they are part of you. I do think they finally deserve to be cared about, to be loved. Let me love them…" You whisper the last words, feeling vulnerable. 'Let me love you…' is what you want to add, but you know you can't, not yet, so instead you lean forward, your lips brushing and then kissing his thigh.

 Something between a whine and a choked sob escapes his lips and you can hear his breath hitch as his hand gets up close to your neck. "Did I hurt you?" You ask with concern, frowning behind the blindfold. 

 Ivar can't help but smile, even if you can't see it. "No!" he replies quickly, his hand now on the back of your head. "I wasn't expecting that, the kiss I mean, but I… liked it." He explains shyly, surprised by his own words. "Actually, I loved it." He's not lying. He loved the kiss, he loved your words; it's as if a tremendous weight had just been lifted off of him. Part of him tells him not to believe everything you said, but he decides not to. He didn't hear any malice or mischief in your voice. He knows you were being genuine. That's why, choosing to chase the disbelief away, he decides to trust you completely. And that's why, suddenly, without warning, he pulls off the blindfold.

 "What are you doing, Ivar?" You squeak, immediately closing your eyes and picking up the comforter. But as you intend to cover his legs, Ivar grabs your wrists with both hands. "Just leave it where it is." He retorts before letting out a heavy sigh. "And open your eyes."

 You do as you're told, but keep your eyes on his face. There are tears in his eyes and a whirlwind of emotions. "Just look at them, Y/N." He almost commands you, but you know that's a way to hide his true feelings behind bravado. 

 Blinking a few times and scrunching your face, you tilt your head to the side, scrutinizing him. "Are you sure?"

 Your lover just shrugs, biting his lower lip. "Will I ever be?" Taking a deep breath, he adds in a murmur. "But I trust you."

 ***

 Later that night, as you're sound asleep, your head on his chest and his arm around your waist, Ivar can't get sleep, amazed that you didn't run away. He keeps replaying what you did when you saw his legs. You had just smiled. And kissed them one more time. And then thanked him for trusting you, for allowing you to love them. Moved and overwhelmed, he could see the matching tears in your eyes, but no sadness on your face. What he saw instead was relief, and care, and… love? 

 Kissing your head, he mumbles. "It is I who should be thanking you. I don't know what I did to deserve someone like you, but whatever it was, I'm glad. If angels are real, you're mine. I won't let you go, Y/N, never ever." 

 "I love you…" He finally whispers, taking advantage of your slumber. Well, little does he know you're awake but staying perfectly still. You know you weren't meant to hear those three words, not yet. And it doesn't matter. You can wait. You and Ivar have a lifetime to love each other. 

 All of him. All of you. 

🛡⚔️🛡

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[yankeeclapdoctor]

Once again it is time for some 2011-2014 era Loki discourse because I have been confronted with.....um...a certain Hot Take, and I must respond publicly because I have been blocked from responding in DMs and I cannot just let this go because my brain is screaming. So here we go...uh...proceed at your own risk

cw for mentions of (fictional) g*nocide

First message: “For the record, Loki going insane actually does excuse him trying to destroy Jotunheim. It doesn’t JUSTIFY it, but it does EXCUSE it. Being unable to control/understand your actions excuses them, no matter how horrible they are. In the court of law, Loki would have been rehabilitated, not punished.”

Second message: “For the record, Loki going insane actually does excuse him trying to destroy Jotunheim. It doesn’t justify it, but it does excuse it (big difference). Being unable to control/understand your actions absolves you from blame, no matter how horrible they are or the consequences. Loki needed to be rehabilitated, not punished. Nothing can justify g*nocide. It is inherently wrong in and of itself. But he is excused by virtue of not having known any better at the time.”

For the record, I do not know this person who has messaged me and, as I say above the read more, I cannot respond to them privately both because they have restricted their message settings to only blogs they follow and also they seem to have blocked me after sending these messages.

let’s Get Into It, shall we!

Okay……so……….I might conditionally agree with you, if you were talking about Loki attacking Earth—when he does that, he is under the influence/control of Thanos and of the Mind Gem, and therefore he is not fully in control of his actions when he attacks New York, so I wouldn’t say he should be penalized as though he were.

What I’m getting from you saying there’s a “big difference” between an “excuse” and a ‘justification’ for someone’s actions is that there’s a difference between being able to point to a reason for someone’s actions versus saying that someone’s actions are correct. And yeah, of course there is. But also, again, just because there is a reason for someone’s actions, mental health related or otherwise, does not mean that the effect of their actions can/should be ignored, or that the person can be entirely absolved from blame unless they are under complete duress. If you’re referring to the difference between justification and excuse in law…..well if Loki were to be tried in a court of law on Earth for his crimes in Avengers, I guess he would have grounds for an automatism or duress defense because of the mind control, which would hopefully get him sent to a psych facility for rehabilitation instead of a straight up prison…but I don’t know how exactly the judicial system would factor in magic or how they could prove Thanos’ involvement when they didn’t know about him at the time and the only one who knew of him was Loki and he probably wouldn’t be considered a credible witness…and also he wasn’t tried on Earth and again I don’t know if they have psych facilities on Asgard and based on his hearing in Thor 2 I really don’t think their criminal law system is the same as it is on Earth. I certainly didn’t see a jury of his peers, just Odin being a dick.

But since you’re talking about Jotunheim, that’s a whole different situation/mental state he was in. Yes, his messed up emotional state is a reason for his actions, but I believe that he does know better, and even if he didn’t, “not knowing any better” Does Not erase the harm that someone’s actions cause (especially when they are as bad as g*nocide!). It may explain why the actions occurred, but the existence of an explanation really does not always justify complete absolution, and in Loki’s case with Jotunheim, I don’t think it does, because I don’t think there’s any evidence that he was ‘insane’ in a way that prevented him from understanding the gravity of or controlling his decisions, and the movie (through Thor) ultimately condemns the hateful ideology upon which his decision was based (that Frost Giants are monsters and deserve to die). I can call his behavior ‘insane’ or ‘unhinged’ or ‘mad’ (to borrow Thor’s term for it), but that doesn’t mean that I think he was truly mentally incapacitated. He’s a dramatic bitch and (in my interpretation) he had years of weird resentment and insecurities building up before Thor’s banishment and the adoption revelation happened to catalyze his wacky behavior in Thor 1.

In terms of real life human legal terms and systems (if those are even valid to apply here, which, for the record, I don’t think they are because this is a fantasy world with an entirely different and unknown legal system), I don’t think he falls under the requirements for an “excuse” defense. I don’t think he’s shown as ‘going insane’ to the point where he wasn’t able to control or understand his actions. There isn’t ever a moment in the movie like in Avengers when Thor is like “look around you. do you think this madness will end with your rule” and he looks genuinely startled and upset by his actions for a second—that moment in Avengers makes it clear to me that he’s being influenced/controlled, and also that he’s capable of recognizing the harm he causes when confronted with it. But in Thor 1, he stands by his choices until the end, and even after that, he doesn’t express remorse or a sense of newfound understanding that what he has done is wrong or was out of his control, even when he is told by Thor and Odin (and Frigga, in Thor 2) that what he has done is wrong. His anger is driving him, not ‘insanity.’ He knew the meaning of his choice to destroy Jotunheim with the Bifrost: it would “destroy that race of monsters” (his words) that he wants nothing to do with, and it would “prove to [Odin] that [he] is a worthy son.” When Thor says to him, “you can’t kill an entire race,” Loki responds, “why not?” and reminds Thor that he was ready to kill them all earlier, and that they have been taught their entire lives that they are monsters and not deserving of mercy or respect. He knows that it is g*nocide, and he chooses to do it because he sees it as the justifiable and correct solution to his own and to Asgard’s problems, and because it is a way to express his anger—here, he is working based on hateful ideology he was taught in conjunction with his own grief and anger. His feelings of betrayal and self-hatred and anger lead him to make this decision, not any demonstrable mental disorder; in desperately trying to retake control of his life and show to himself and to his family that he belongs and is “worthy,” he makes a choice, does not express remorse for it afterwards, and at no point is shown to be acting out of character/not in control of himself and his actions. Thus, he should be blamed and take responsibility for the damage he caused. A dramatic anger and grief response would not qualify as an excuse or justification for a crime, nor does it necessarily indicate mental illness…definitely not on Earth, and I highly doubt on Asgard (I don’t think that it would make sense to apply any diagnosis based on human psychological science to his mental state, seeing as he’s not human. Or Asgardian. I don’t know the state of psychological science on Jotunheim, but if you do know, feel free to enlighten me).

I can see and understand his reasoning/explanation/the “excuse” behind the action, but that doesn’t mean that I can (and the movie doesn’t) endorse it or say that it can be entirely “excused,” because as you say, “nothing can justify g*nocide.” Again, since he’s a fictional alien, I don’t think it’s relevant or productive to actually apply our labels or frameworks of thinking about mental illness to him. In the real human world, his emotional meltdown in Thor 1 might be grounds to say that he is mentally ill, but because he never expresses remorse for trying to destroy Jotunheim afterwards, that to me emphasizes that the choice was not entirely a result of his messed up mental/emotional state, but a combination of that and a logical (albeit morally terrible) line of thinking. The moment at the beginning of Thor 2 when he has his hearing about attacking Earth solidifies this interpretation even more to me, because he makes it clear that his actions (which in this case were influenced by Thanos/the Mind Gem) were a result of what he’s been told his entire life: “that [he] was born to be a king.” While he isn’t referring to his attempt to destroy Jotunheim there, it does indicate that he holds the belief on his own, even when not mind controlled, that atrocious actions can be excused because of his interpretation of his socialization. I agree that if he were not in control or didn’t fully grasp the meaning and magnitude of his actions that he could be ‘excused’ a bit, but I disagree that it would ‘absolve’ him entirely. It doesn’t change the fact that the realm was almost obliterated. Nothing he ever says/does/emotes communicates that he didn’t know or didn’t realize what he was doing when he tried to destroy Jotunheim, he is only upset over having failed (“I could have done it, Father. I could have done it. For you. For all of us” he says); he never expresses remorse for his attempt to destroy it, and this does not seem to be because he is prevented from seeing that what he did is morally wrong—again, instead, he seems to think that his morally reprehensible actions can be justified by his motivations. His judgement was determined by anger, but being emotionally driven doesn’t mean one is ‘insane.’ Again, I agree that he “needed to be rehabilitated,” because he is a very very unstable person who needs to learn how to process his feelings better, but we can also see throughout all of the movies that he has trouble accepting and admitting the consequences of his bad choices, even though he tends to know when his actions are bad (either because he just knows and is being a bastard and/or because Thor tells him). That’s one of his major personality flaws. His first instinct is usually to get defensive and angry and try to explain away his actions because of his trauma, rather than empathize and try to acknowledge and apologize for what he has done. He needs to understand that he can’t just make horrific choices and then “excuse” them afterwards, no matter how distressed or traumatized he was at the time—especially when the choice is g*nocide that he was not mind controlled into attempting. Therapy could absolutely do this for him, and probably would be most effective even without a formal diagnosis of anything, because it could help him understand how his personality affects and is responsible for a lot of bad behaviors. But a dickish and highly emotional personality does not equal ‘insanity.’

In summation: he’s not insane in Thor 1. He’s acting based on discernible emotionally and ideologically informed logic, even though that logic is morally reprehensible. Also I think it is dangerous to say that if he were insane something like g*nocide could be excused just because it can be explained by supposed insanity—it does not erase that it happened, and that it is terrible, and should be atoned for. Maybe in the real life human American legal system he could go for some sort of excuse defense, but I don’t think it would hold up in court. Just because he would very much benefit from therapy does not mean that he went ‘insane’ and that such ‘insanity’ drove him to attempt g*nocide; his distressed mental/emotional state does mean that he should receive rehabilitating treatment, but a need for rehabilitation does not mean that he is also not deserving of blame for the consequences of his actions, and for making the decision to commit an atrocity in the first place.

In conclusion: I love Loki very very much. I do not blame him for his space meth-fueled actions in Avengers (2012). I DO blame him for choosing to try to commit g*nocide when he could have chosen not to do so in Thor (2011). And yet I still love him, because I am capable of both loving a fictional character AND recognizing that he is a bit of a war criminal.

[rametarin]

‘Super Straight’ is a terrible thing.

It fails conceptually to convey the argument it’s trying to make, and as a result, it serves as having the same sociological vulnerability in the discourse that, “reverse-racism” had back in the day.

The entire concept of reverse racism came about because for a brief window there, the radicals had groomed the shallow liberals into more and more extreme in what counted as racism, whom the term applied to.

So eventually, someone complained and argued they were being focus fired and their motives questioned, not because of the outcomes or their intentions in doing it, but because they were being accused and attacked for being white. And that was, “reverse racism.” The discourse of the era really hammered down on racism, but always using language, much like how domestic violence would always gender the abuser as he and the victim as she, that incriminated the white people of racism and bigotry and prejudice, never using examples of a black, or Asian, or indigenous American, as the perpetrator of racism.

This deliberate shaping of the discourse from people above was obvious. But, they also pretended, while deliberately using examples and terms of white bigotry and prejudice against other groups, that racism was just racism. That universally, racism was a problem, and the phenomenon was just bigotry and prejudice based on race.

You needed asterisks and clarification and to actually ASK whether that applied to people that weren’t white, and people either were afraid to ask, or if they asked, they were ignored, or if they demanded an answer and determination, were brushed off. Because it became obvious SOME so-called “progressives” believed racism was exclusively the phenomenon of white oppression against non-whites.

And if you pressed further and harder for clarification instead of “just putting the pieces together yourself” and taking your conclusions for granted, without questioning or making trouble, sometimes you’d get the liberal definition and sometimes a radical feminist would give you the real definition. Depending on if they felt they were in a place of impunity where there’s nothing you could do about it whether you knew or not, or they trusted you and believed you were on their wavelength.

If someone naturally concluded, by reading the room and seeing the examples in action, just coming to the conclusion themselves that racism was only considered racism when levied BY whites DOWN on black people, Asians, indigenous people, etc., then they’d say, “You’re just picking on me/antagonizing me for this because I’m white!! That’s racism!”

It’s at this point the radicals, if they were feeling bold and empowered- and many times, they were. Because they select and choose their social battles wisely, would pipe up:

“It’s not racism. You don’t get to say it’s racism. There’s nothing racist about trying to change a racist society by advocating this.” When, yeah, if you antagonize and harass and overindulge in haranguing the shit out of people in little Struggle Sessions, embellishing the offense caused by the background of a person, not based on the crime committed, you are being a racist shithead. It is racism to consider the background of the person that did the crime as to whether the crime was especially heinous, or not.

“FINE,” said the person being accused, “Then it’s reverse-racist!”

And it was. They’d been called out. The early Intersectional Feminists that belied something was exclusively and only ever racism when it was either white individuals or white society levied down on black, Asian or Indigenous People of Color, knew that something was happening. People were becoming aware that this discrimination was coming for white people, in specific and exclusion of anyone else. And while they were absorbing the sentiment in the void of actually indoctrinating them in plain english, they were rejecting it and created a word for their rejection.

Rejecting the idea racism was only racism when and if it was specifically BY a white person, TOWARDS anybody else.

Then came Liberal Progressive Damage Control.

The Liberal and Radical Progressive both said, in unison:

“There’s no such thing as reverse racism.”

The Liberal then clarified: “Racism is simply the phenomenon of racial discrimination and prejudice and bigotry, levied BY anybody on the basis of race, TOWARDS anybody on the basis of race! It applies to everybody equally!”

And they had to. Because these people’s reputations and ability to infiltrate and influence live or die based on how well other people are willing to tolerate them preaching their social doctrines. If their messages are rejected, they can’t control them.

The Radical Progressive/Feminist, however, maintained: “Racism is purely the phenomenon of white people or white society oppressing or discriminating detrimentally towards someone for being black, or Asian, or indigenous non-white. A non-white person cannot be racist, and a white person cannot experience racism.”

But the radical that said and believed that in the 80s and 90s, slunk away to the halls of academia. And they kept quiet, while liberal progressives breadcrumbed the people closer to university, where they’d have to pay to be steered further along in their, “social development.”

But the radical definition was always going to be the end-game for them. Liberal anti-racism was, in their eyes, just a step towards advancing society towards their radicalism. Not about actually ending racial discrimination and equality on a civic level, irrespective of race.

So. ‘Reverse Racism’ became a faux talking point, where liberal progressives would take this term, act as if it was a misconception purely born of overcompensating and insecure white people, and then speak as if the truth was, “it’s not reverse racism.. It’s just racism! Reverse racism doesn’t exist.”

Wholly ignoring the fact that people had experienced this nameless phenomenon of supposedly anti-racist people being intolerant or accusative towards those that had never committed any actual racism or bigotry, but were being singled out, focus fired and made public example of by their peers. They were experiencing SOME form of racial intolerance that treated them as if they were either perpetraotrs of racism by action, or by their background. Which is no different from expecting that a black person, just by being black, has either committed crimes like theft and assault, or will, because they’re black.

It was just generally accepted that if white people could be guilty of racism, then so could anyone else. Liberal progressivism, much the same way as they dissent when hate crime legislation is used to punish people for attacking white people on the basis of their race, “because those laws are meant to protect at risk minorities from white oppression,” didn’t like it. But, they had to maintain the illusion of impartiality and benignity. And so, they smiled and nodded and approved of the idea that racism was able to be applied universally to and by anyone. Even if, internally, they disagreed.

And so, they spun the discourse that had introduced “reverse-racism” purely as something insecure white people made up to squeal bloody murder about if they were getting called out heavy handedly or they felt unfairly for perpetrating racism. Speaking as if it only existed as a blubbering cope against the mean ole people that, “just liked equality and fairness and justice.”

Do you see how the evolution of this term and its perception shifted throughout the course of this story? How it came about, how it was created and why, how it was received and responded to, and ultimately what it became?

They took a word and concept used to define the outrage of the heavy handedness and made it into a point of mockery and profiled those most likely to use it as people like Rush Limbaugh.

After that, they used it as a tool of assumed intent and mockery if a situation ever arose in which a white person was talking about a situation in which they felt like the other person was being short or dismissive of them, and their assumed intentions, because of their race.

“Ohh? Am I being ‘reverse racist’ at you? Awwwww. Waaaaaaah. There’s no such thing as reverse racism. Cry harder.”

etc.

No one even had to accuse someone of it. But if you tried to explain the very real and very probable phenomenon where a person was treating you like shit or assuming the worst of your intentions on the basis of you being a white person doing it, and you attested the other person was discriminating against you racially for it, they whipped that out as if just by anticipating you were about to say it, you fit the profile of someone that was guilty of it and just trying to feel oppressed and outraged.

I see this exact outcome happening with the term, ‘Super Straight.’ Only, rather than the subject being racism and race discourse, it’s transgenderism and social constructionism.

And to be honest, it feels like this was surgically implanted into 4channer boards and perpetuated to make it LOOK like a “neckbeard altright dudebro” meme. The fact many are perpetuating it doesn’t help, but it feels... ingenuine.

It almost feels like those fake egg accounts on twitter and other social media that supposedly sent Sarkesian and Zoe Quinn that hate. And those 4chan posts that they oopsied over posting, revealing it was them giving themselves anon-hate and trying to get the mob to attack them just for victim clout points.

Super Straight as a concept and a joke feels like weaponized, “It’s Okay To Be White,” but put into 4channer mouth specifically to then use against them.

First, Super Straight cedes the idea that being straight includes any context in which a cishet man wants to suck a penis. It goes, “Okay, we will accept being straight includes sucking the penis of transwomen and seeing them as women sexually, so obviously to be SUPER STRAIGHT means to not do that!” Inherently doing that, you admit defeat and bow to social constructionism that says to be a man or woman is purely gender, and sexuality hinges upon gender, not sex. To be Super Straight creates a new definition that says straight isn’t exclusive to cishetero, but Super Straight is.

If you wanted to mock their expectation that all gender not just shift its definitions to make room to validate and legitimize the trans, but redefine sexuality and gender itself to make both cis and trans equally validly male and female with absolutely no credence or relevance paid to biology or chromosomes whatsoever, then this is not the way to do it. It’s not clever, it’s not succinct, it doesn’t force them into a logical or linguistic dead-end.

The argument put forwards by those giggling about, “super straight,” is that a cishetero person, in this case, a man, won’t be attracted to a transwoman, and creating a word to make that a valid thing is no different than using words to validate other things. Such as, “Grey ace demiguy.” Trying to use the same system of assumed validation for sex and gender against itself, without the tangential institutional control in place in academia, just doesn’t work. For it to work you have to assume whatever absolutism coming out from on high from the academic class can be respected equally without coming from that academic class, whom insist they define standards and norms, now.

Instead, they should be arguing for something like, “Cis-orientation.” If a homosexual is a term for a valid sexuality where a person is not attracted to the opposite sex, be they male or female, and that’s not considered, “heterophobia,” and arbitrarily acceptable just.. because... then obviously there’s SOMETHING that makes sexual attraction to the same sex valid, but sexual attraction to only someone of the opposite sex regardless of their gender somehow invalid and a phobia.

Yet, these people will defend homosexuality as valid, while arguing to not want to see transgendered people as viable candidates for romance or sex are transphobes.

They miraculously will not insist a lesbian just has, “phallophobia” or “cisphobia” if she won’t even at least ATTEMPT to, “get used” to it. They will acknowledge to be gay is simply to be unchangable oriented how they are, and they should not try and make them straight.

But bizarrely they WILL expect a lesbian to suck girldick, as, “that’s a female. You’re a lesbian, you like girls, so you should consider sucking female penis.”

Lysenkoism but for socio-sexual theory. That you can use words and self-identification to ignore or bypass someone’s sexuality. And it’s, “totally not -phobia or oppression, because it’s not being used to hurt a minority and you can’t oppress the majority.”

If there was any genuine interest in the rights and fairness and equality for the respect of people based on their gender orientation and sexuality, they would not be so queer-centrist in execution.

Instead, they would recognize that they cannot just redefne the universal words of man, woman, gay and straight, to suit an agenda that treats there as being no distinction between a trans or cis person. We simply cannot have that, unless of course the intention is to invalidate the biology of all parties involved, and remove the material, physical components for consideration.

That would mean devolving all gender and sex and orientation merely to arbitrary classes, which are imagined, not real. That would mean there being no difference between thinking you can forcibly convert someone’s sexuality from gay to straight, or straight to gay, as those things no longer would be considered to be concrete based on indivisible aspects of your biology and self, merely attitude and beliefs.

Not only would it do that, but it’d insist that chromosomes and reproductive role are arbitrary and absolutely detatched from a person’s identity, no different than assuming their blood type or astrological sign was attached to their gender.

This is quite literal denial of science and physical reality in the name of ideology. This isn’t trans rights, it’s masquerading as such. And keeping very tight lipped about anything outside the purview and real meaning behind how they’re selling their model of trans rights.

For Super Straight to be a recognizable talking point, it basically just creates a sacrificial lamb. Something that any social constructionist can attack in effigy and then say, “Well I’ve already debunked the popular idea that ‘super straightness’ exists, so stop clinging to the idea a cishetero person that DOESN’T date trans people is anything other than a bigot.”

Something they can “totally PWN with LOGIC and REASON”, broadcast how they’ve “defeated” the argument that a straight man would not suck a penis, no matter how much glitter and perfume on it, and invalidate any suggestion to the contrary by saying it has already been thoroughly debunked so they’re just going to yell “KUNG POW PENIS LOL” until their opposition gets bored and leaves.

I can’t help but feel like the whole concept was deliberately constructed allegedly by their ideological opponents in order to perform smugness and superiority over them.

[acepalindrome]

I got tagged by @brightandshinynewstories!

Name ten favorite characters from ten different things (books, tv, film, etc.) then tag ten people. 

These are not in any particular order, because I love all my favs in their own special ways.

1. Caduceus Clay (Critical Role.) My very special cow boy. I love his chill, I love how he takes on the caretaker role for his messy little found family, I love his 9 intelligence and getting distracted by moss in a life and death situation, I love his faith and belief in destiny, but possibly what I love the most is his views on nature that align so much with my own.

2. Oscar François de Jarjayes (Rose of Versailles.) Listen, Oscar spends all her time fucking with gender roles in 18th century France, fighting injustice, getting on board with the revolution and flirting with every woman in a 50 mile radius up to and including Marie Antoinette. She’s a big wlw icon and I long for a reboot where she ends up with Rosalie instead of fucking Andre.

3. Brienne of Tarth (ASOIAF.) Isn’t it a shame GOT ended after season 6, Gwendoline Christie is so gorgeous. Anyway, I was definitely too young to be reading these books in high school but I did anyway and Brienne was both my hero and fictional crush. She’s so strong and brave and more noble than any ‘true knight!’ I love Brienne with my whole damn heart.

[[MORE]]

4. Auron (FFX) God I love this bitter disillusioned undead ronin who’s consumed with guilt and self loathing because God Lied and he was fooled just like everyone else and he wasn’t able to save his lord who he was definitely in love with!! He literally fucking dies in a tragic desperate attempt to avenge Braska and the. decides that no, fuck this, he’s failed everyone else (in his mind) and he’s gonna keep one last promise to his friend and being dead is not gonna stop him!! He hates himself so much but he’s so goddamn loyal even death doesn’t stop him.

5. Sophie Hatter (Howl’s Moving Castle.) Book version, because Miyazaki did my girl wrong. Sophie’s whole story is about her assuming that she’s doomed to failure in everything so she never tries for a better life and just expects that her life is never going to amount to much of anything. And then she gets cursed and it ends up helping her realize how stupid a lot of her fears and insecurities were and she’s finally able to discover that all that shit about failure was just in her head! The only thing holding her back was herself!! Also she has really powerful magic in her own right and later gets to consult with kings and do important work and why did the movie take away all the best things about her!!!

6. Dr. Kenzo Tenma (Monster.) The poster child for ‘No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.’ Risks his whole successful career as a brain surgeon to save the life of a child and he’s rewarded for his altruism by getting sucked into the middle of a brutal murder mystery that paints him as the prime suspect. The thing that makes Tenma so special is that he starts off believing that all lives are equal, and after going through absolute hell and seeing the worst of humanity...HE STILL BELIEVES IN IT. It would be so easy to have him become disillusioned and abandon his ideals, but no! They’re challenged in the worst possible way, but at the very bitter end, he doesn’t lose his belief in the inherent value of all human life.

7. Granny Weatherwax (Discworld.) I want to be half as fierce and strong as Granny when I’m old. She’s not nice and she’s tremendously stubborn but she’s a DAMN good person who won’t let anyone take away another person’s free will and steps up to do the right thing when no one else will because she’s GOOD. Even when she doesn’t want to be. She’s powerful and proud and knows exactly who she is. She’s amazing.

8. Samwise Gamgee (LOTR.) FRODO WOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN FAR WITHOUT HIS SAM. God, Sam is so full of love and strength and courage. He follows Frodo literally to the end of the damn world and when Frodo can go no further, Sam carries him on. I can’t think about Sam too long without crying. He’s so very good.

9. Zuko (Avatar: The Last Airbender.) So we all agree Zuko got the best redemption story of all time, right? It’s so, so good watching this angry mess of a kid grow and heal from his trauma and learn to open his heart and love and finally have the courage to confront his abusive father and tell him to his face that what he did was wrong! After spending so long trying to prove himself and win his father’s love on an impossible quest! Zuko’s growth is just the best. And he’s such a lovable awkward goof. That’s rough, buddy.

10. Beatrix (FFIX.) Did Beatrix make me gay as a wee innocent baby child? Probably. I fell in love pretty much the minute she shows up, calls you insects and completely destroys your party without breaking a sweat. She starts out as a villain but everything she does is out of misguided loyalty to her queen, and once she finally realizes how wrong she was she busts her ass to try to redeem herself! She loves Alexandria so much and she’s 100% willing to fight to the death when the city is attacked. She’s honorable and loyal to a fault and she’s absolutely the reason I’m weak for lady knights.

Tagging: @maeofthedead, @youngsterhammy, @saint-tibbles, @quarterpasttired, @disasterhumans, @skygemspeaks, @megneato, @kimabutch, @pastellieria, @fwishbone

If I didn’t tag you and you wanna do it, consider yourself tagged!

[cassscara]

Narcissists (narcissistic personality disorder) have been emotionally abused/traumatized/neglected at a very young age, causing their emotional development to be stunted at the age of the trauma. They manifest a false self to appeal to their primary caregiver who neglected them hoping “maybe Mommy will love me now.”

The idealized false self must be propped up at all costs. The narcissist cannot bear the pain of ripping the scab open to expose the wound of the real self which was rejected by the primary caregiver.

The false self must be propped up. Whenever the narcissist hears “You're such a beautiful person!” (or whatever comprises the particular false self) the false self receives a boost.

The false self is balanced precariously. There is a part of the narcissist that knows the truth of the real self, with its attendant shame and rejection, which can never, ever be encountered.

The reality of the narcissist is dominated by the idealized false self.

To truly love involves putting the interests of another ahead of your own. Narcissists did not develop far enough to obtain that ability. They can feel love, but it’s the love of a damaged young child, a distorted, immature love, centered on how the loved one satisfies their needs.

..................................................................................

"What I’m about to say is not something I’d ever say or admit (to you), because to do so would end the winner-takes-all-game that is my main source of pleasure in life — one that effectively keeps you carrying my load in our relationship.

And that’s the whole point.

When I think “I love you” I mean that I love how hard you work to make me feel like your everything, that I am the focus of your life, that you want me to be happy, and that I’ll never be expected to do the same.

I love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and intentions to be nice, and the pleasure I derive when I make myself feel huge in comparison to you, taking every opportunity to make you feel small and insignificant.

I love the feeling it gives me thinking of you as weak, vulnerable, emotionally fluffy, and I love looking down on you for your childlike innocence and gullibility, as weakness.

I love the way I feel knowing that, through the use of gaslighting, what you want to discuss or address will never happen, and I love this “power” to train you to feel “crazy” for even asking or bringing up issues that don’t interest me, effectively, ever lowering your expectations of me and what I’m capable of giving you, while I up mine of you.

I love how easy it is to keep your sole focus on alleviating my pain (never yours!), and that, regardless what you do, you’ll never make me feel good enough, loved enough, respected enough, appreciated enough, and so on. (Misery loves company.)

(It’s not about the closeness, empathy, emotional connection you want, or what I did that hurt or embarrassed you, or how little time I spend with you. It’s about my status and doing my job to keep you in your place, in pain, focused on feeling my pain, blocking you from feeling valued in relation to me. I’m superior and entitled to all the pleasure, admiration, and comforting between us, remember?)

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when you are with me, more specifically, regarding you as a piece of property I own, my possession. Like driving a great car, I love the extent to which you enhance my status in the eyes of others, letting them know that I’m top dog, and so on. I love thinking others are jealous of my possessions.

I love the power I have to keep you working hard to prove your love and devotion, wondering what else you need to do to “prove” your loyalty.

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I’m with you. Due to how often I hate and look down on others in general, the mirror neurons in my brain keep me constantly experiencing feelings of self-loathing; thus, I love that I can love myself through you, and also love hating you for my “neediness” of having to rely on you or anyone for anything.

I love that you are there to blame whenever I feel this “neediness”; feeling scorn for you seems to protect me from something I hate to admit, that I feel totally dependent on you to “feed” my sense of superiority and entitlement, and to keep my illusion of power alive in my mind.

(Nothing makes me feel more fragile and vulnerable than not having control over something that would tarnish my image and superior status, such as when you question “how” I treat you, as if you still don’t understand that getting you to accept yourself as an object for my pleasure, happy regardless of how I treat you, or the children — is key proof of my superiority, to the world. You’re my possession, remember? It’s my job to teach you to hate and act calloused toward those “crazy” things that only “weak” people need, such as “closeness” and “emotional stuff;” and by the way, I know this “works” because my childhood taught me to do this to myself inside.)

It makes me light up with pleasure (more proof of my superiority) that I can easily get you flustered, make you act “crazy” over not getting what you want from me, make you repeat yourself, and say and do things that you’ll later hate yourself for (because of your “niceness”!). Everything you say, any hurts or complaints you share, you can be sure, I’ll taunt you with later, to keep you ever-spinning your wheels, ever trying to explain yourself, ever doubting yourself and confused, trying to figure out why I don’t “get” it.

(There’s nothing to get! To break the code, you’d have to look through my lens, not yours! It’s my job to show complete disinterest in your emotional needs, hurts, wants, and to train, dismiss and punish accordingly, until you learn your “lesson,” that is: To take your place as a voiceless object, a possession has no desire except to serve my pleasure and comfort, and never an opinion on how it’s treated!)

(That you can’t figure this out, after all the ways I’ve mistreated you, to me, is proof of my genetic superiority. In my playbook, those with superior genes are never kind, except to lure and snare their victims!)

I love that I can make you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by giving attention to other women (perhaps also others in general, friends, family members, children, etc. … the list is endless). What power this gives me to put a display of what you don’t get from me, to taunt and make you beg for what I easily give to others, wondering why it’s so easy to give what you want to others, to express feelings or affection, to give compliments, that is, when it serves my pleasure (in this case, to watch you squirm).

I love the power I have to get you back whenever you threaten to leave, by throwing a few crumbs your way, and watching how quickly I can talk you into trusting me when I turn on the charm, deceiving you into thinking, this time, I’ll change.

“I love you” means I need you because, due to the self-loathing I carry inside, I need someone who won’t abandon me that I can use as a punching bag, to make myself feel good by making them feel bad about themselves. (This is how I pleasure myself, and the way I numb, deny the scary feelings I carry inside that I hope to never admit, ever. I hate any signs of weakness in me, which is why I hate you, and all the “nice” weaklings I view as inferior, stupid, feeble, and so on.)

“I love you” means that I love fixing and shaping your thoughts and beliefs, being in control of your mind, so that you think of me as your miracle and savior, a source of life and sustenance you depend on, and bouncing back to, like gravity, no matter how high you try to fly away or jump.

I love that this makes me feel like a god, to keep you so focused (obsessed…) with making me feel worshiped and adored, sacrificing everything for me to prove yourself so that I don’t condemn or disapprove of you, seeking to please none other, and inherently, with sole rights to administer rewards and punishments as I please.

I love how I can use my power to keep you down, doubting and second-guessing yourself, questioning your sanity, obsessed with explaining yourself to me (and others), professing your loyalty, wondering what’s wrong with you (instead of realizing that … you cannot make someone “happy” who derives their sense of power and pleasure from feeling scorn for the weaklings who let me take advantage of them … like you!).

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I see myself through your admiring eyes, that you’re my feel-good drug, my dedicated audience, my biggest fan and admirer, and so on. Training you to look up to me, never question me, and bow down with pleasure to serve me as your never-erring, omniscient, omnipotent source of knowledge is my end-goal — my drug of choice.

(You may have noticed how touchy I am at any sign that you would question me; I hate how fragile I feel in such moments, worried that failing to train you in silent submission could tarnish my image in the world, something I care about more than anything else, even life itself!)

And I love that, no matter how hard you beg and plead for my love and admiration, to feel valued in return, it won’t happen, as long as I’m in control. Why would I let it, when I’m hooked on deriving pleasure from depriving you of anything that would make you feel worthwhile, be wind beneath your wings, risking you’d fly away from me? Besides, it gives me great pleasure to not give you what you yearn for, the tenderness you need and want, and to burst your every dream and bubble, then telling myself, “I’m no fool.”

I love that I can control your attempts to get “through” to me, by controlling your mind, in particular, by shifting the focus of any “discussion” onto what is wrong with you, your failure to appreciate and make me feel loved, good enough, etc. — and of course, reminding you of all I’ve done for you, and how ungrateful you are.

I love how skillfully I manipulate others’ opinions of you as well, getting them to side with me as the “good” guy, and side against you as the “bad” guy, portraying you as incapable of making me happy or manly — or as needy, never satisfied, always complaining, selfish and controlling, and the like.

I love how easy it is for me to say “No!” to what may give you credit, or increase your sense of value and significance in relation to me, with endless excuses; and that instead, I return your focus to my unfulfilled needs and wants, my discomforts or pain.

I love feeling that I own your thoughts, your ambitions, and ensuring the only wants and needs you focus on are ones that serve my pleasure and comfort.

I love being a drug of choice you “have to” have, regardless of how I mistreat you, despite all the signs that your addiction to me is draining the energy from your life, and that you are at risk of losing more and more of what you most value and hold dear, to include those you move love and love and support you in return.

I love making you mistrust others, so that you conclude no one else really wants to put up with you, but me. That nobody else will want you.

I love that I can make you feel I’m doing you a favor by being with you and throwing a few crumbs your way. Like a vacuum, the emptiness inside me is in constant need of sucking the life and breath and vitality you, and your determination to be kind, brings to my life, which I crave like a drug that can never satisfy, that I fight to hoard, and hate the thought of sharing.

While I hate you and my addiction to your caring attention, my neediness keeps me craving to see myself through your caring eyes, ever ready to admire, adore, forgive, make excuses for me, and fall for my lies and traps. (I could never appreciate or value you for this, how could I? I hate myself for needing these caring, yet unmanly gestures, which disgust me.)

I love that you keep telling me how much I hurt you, not knowing that, to me, this is like a free marketing report. It lets me know how effective my tactics have been to keep you in pain, focused on alleviating my pain — so that I am ever the winner in this competition — ensuring that you never weaken (control) me with your love- and emotional-closeness stuff.

In short, when I say “I love you,” I love the power I have to remain a mystery that you’ll never solve because of what you do not know (and refuse to believe), that: the only one who can win this zero-sum-winner-takes-all game is the one who knows “the rules.” My sense of power rests on ensuring you never succeed at persuading me to join you in creating a mutually-kind relationship because, in my worldview, being vulnerable, emotionally expressive, kind, caring, empathetic, innocent are signs of weakness, proof of inferiority."

..................................................................................

M

[blkking69]

A letter from the Narcissist.

Great read.

Dear Empath,

This is a gift and an eye-opener.

A letter from the Narcissist to their partner......

What I’m about to say is not something I’d ever say or admit (to you), because to do so would end the winner-takes-all-game that is my main source of pleasure in life — one that effectively keeps you carrying my load in our relationship.

And that’s the whole point.

When I say “I love you” I mean that I love how hard you work to make me feel like your everything, that I am the focus of your life, that you want me to be happy, and that I’ll never be expected to do the same.

I love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and intentions to be nice, and the pleasure I derive when I make myself feel huge in comparison to you, taking every opportunity to make you feel small and insignificant.

I love the feeling it gives me thinking of you as weak, vulnerable, emotionally fluffy, and I love looking down on you for your childlike innocence and gullibility, as weakness.

I love the way I feel knowing that, through the use of gaslighting, what you want to discuss or address will never happen, and I love this “power” to train you to feel “crazy” for even asking or bringing up issues that don’t interest me, effectively, ever lowering your expectations of me and what I’m capable of giving you, while I up mine of you.

I love how easy it is to keep your sole focus on alleviating my pain (never yours!), and that, regardless what you do, you’ll never make me feel good enough, loved enough, respected enough, appreciated enough, and so on. (Misery loves company.)

(It’s not about the closeness, empathy, emotional connection you want, or what I did that hurt or embarrassed you, or how little time I spend engaged with you or the children, and so on. It’s about my status and doing my job to keep you in your place, in pain, focused on feeling my pain, blocking you from feeling valued in relation to me. I’m superior and entitled to all the pleasure, admiration, and comforting between us, remember?)

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when you are with me, more specifically, regarding you as a piece of property I own, my possession. Like driving a hot car, I love the extent to which you enhance my status in the eyes of others, letting them know that I’m top dog, and so on. I love thinking others are jealous of my possessions.

I love the power I have to keep you working hard to prove your love and devotion, wondering what else you need to do to “prove” your loyalty.

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I’m with you. Due to how often I hate and look down on others in general, the mirror neurons in my brain keep me constantly experiencing feelings of self-loathing; thus, I love that I can love myself through you, and also love hating you for my “neediness” of having to rely on you or anyone for anything.

I love that you are there to blame whenever I feel this “neediness”; feeling scorn for you seems to protect me from something I hate to admit, that I feel totally dependent on you to “feed” my sense of superiority and entitlement, and to keep my illusion of power alive in my mind.

(Nothing makes me feel more fragile and vulnerable than not having control over something that would tarnish my image and superior status, such as when you question “how” I treat you, as if you still don’t understand that getting you to accept yourself as an object for my pleasure, happy regardless of how I treat you, or the children — is key proof of my superiority, to the world. You’re my possession, remember? It’s my job to teach you to hate and act calloused toward those “crazy” things that only “weak” people need, such as “closeness” and “emotional stuff;” and by the way, I know this “works” because my childhood taught me to do this to myself inside.)

It makes me light up with pleasure (more proof of my superiority) that I can easily get you flustered, make you act “crazy” over not getting what you want from me, make you repeat yourself, and say and do things that you’ll later hate yourself for (because of your “niceness”!). Everything you say, any hurts or complaints you share, you can be sure, I’ll taunt you with later, to keep you ever-spinning your wheels, ever trying to explain yourself, ever doubting yourself and confused, trying to figure out why I don’t “get” it.

(There’s nothing to get! To break the code, you’d have to look through my lens, not yours! It’s my job to show complete disinterest in your emotional needs, hurts, wants, and to train, dismiss and punish accordingly, until you learn your “lesson,” that is: To take your place as a voiceless object, a possession has no desire except to serve my pleasure and comfort, and never an opinion on how it’s treated!)

(That you can’t figure this out, after all the ways I’ve mistreated you, to me, is proof of my genetic superiority. In my playbook, those with superior genes are never kind, except to lure and snare their victims!)

I love that I can make you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by giving attention to other women (perhaps also others in general, friends, family members, children, etc. … the list is endless). What power this gives me to put a display of what you don’t get from me, to taunt and make you beg for what I easily give to others, wondering why it’s so easy to give what you want to others, to express feelings or affection, to give compliments, that is, when it serves my pleasure (in this case, to watch you squirm).

I love the power I have to get you back whenever you threaten to leave, by throwing a few crumbs your way, and watching how quickly I can talk you into trusting me when I turn on the charm, deceiving you into thinking, this time, I’ll change.

“I love you” means I need you because, due to the self-loathing I carry inside, I need someone who won’t abandon me that I can use as a punching bag, to make myself feel good by making them feel bad about themselves. (This is how I pleasure myself, and the way I numb, deny the scary feelings I carry inside that I hope to never admit, ever. I hate any signs of weakness in me, which is why I hate you, and all the “nice” weaklings I view as inferior, stupid, feeble, and so on.)

“I love you” means that I love fixing and shaping your thoughts and beliefs, being in control of your mind, so that you think of me as your miracle and savior, a source of life and sustenance you depend on, and bouncing back to, like gravity, no matter how high you try to fly away or jump.

I love that this makes me feel like a god, to keep you so focused (obsessed…) with making me feel worshiped and adored, sacrificing everything for me to prove yourself so that I don’t condemn or disapprove of you, seeking to please none other, and inherently, with sole rights to administer rewards and punishments as I please.

I love how I can use my power to keep you down, doubting and second-guessing yourself, questioning your sanity, obsessed with explaining yourself to me (and others), professing your loyalty, wondering what’s wrong with you (instead of realizing that … you cannot make someone “happy” who derives their sense of power and pleasure from feeling scorn for the weaklings who let me take advantage of them … like you!).

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I see myself through your admiring eyes, that you’re my feel-good drug, my dedicated audience, my biggest fan and admirer, and so on. Training you to look up to me, never question me, and bow down with pleasure to serve me as your never-erring, omniscient, omnipotent source of knowledge is my end-goal — my drug of choice.

(You may have noticed how touchy I am at any sign that you would question me; I hate how fragile I feel in such moments, worried that failing to train you in silent submission could tarnish my image in the world, something I care about more than anything else, even life itself!)

And I love that, no matter how hard you beg and plead for my love and admiration, to feel valued in return, it won’t happen, as long as I’m in control. Why would I let it, when I’m hooked on deriving pleasure from depriving you of anything that would make you feel worthwhile, be wind beneath your wings, risking you’d fly away from me? Besides, it gives me great pleasure to not give you what you yearn for, the tenderness you need and want, and to burst your every dream and bubble, then telling myself, “I’m no fool.”

I love that I can control your attempts to get “through” to me, by controlling your mind, in particular, by shifting the focus of any “discussion” onto what is wrong with you, your failure to appreciate and make me feel loved, good enough, etc. — and of course, reminding you of all I’ve done for you, and how ungrateful you are.

I love how skillfully I manipulate others’ opinions of you as well, getting them to side with me as the “good” guy, and side against you as the “bad” guy, portraying you as incapable of making me happy or manly — or as needy, never satisfied, always complaining, selfish and controlling, and the like.

I love how easy it is for me to say “No!” to what may give you credit, or increase your sense of value and significance in relation to me, with endless excuses; and that instead, I return your focus to my unfulfilled needs and wants, my discomforts or pain.

I love feeling that I own your thoughts, your ambitions, and ensuring the only wants and needs you focus on are ones that serve my pleasure and comfort.

I love being a drug of choice you “have to” have, regardless of how I mistreat you, despite all the signs that your addiction to me is draining the energy from your life, and that you are at risk of losing more and more of what you most value and hold dear, to include those you move love and love and support you in return.

I love that I can isolate you from others who may nourish you, and break the spell of thinking they ever loved you; I love making you mistrust them, so that you conclude no one else really wants to put up with you, but me.

I love that I can make you feel I’m doing you a favor by being with you and throwing a few crumbs your way. Like a vacuum, the emptiness inside me is in constant need of sucking the life and breath and vitality you, and your determination to be kind, brings to my life, which I crave like a drug that can never satisfy, that I fight to hoard, and hate the thought of sharing.

While I hate you and my addiction to your caring attention, my neediness keeps me craving to see myself through your caring eyes, ever ready to admire, adore, forgive, make excuses for me, and fall for my lies and traps. (I could never appreciate or value you for this, how could I? I hate myself for needing these caring, yet unmanly gestures, which disgust me.)

I love that you keep telling me how much I hurt you, not knowing that, to me, this is like a free marketing report. It lets me know how effective my tactics have been to keep you in pain, focused on alleviating my pain — so that I am ever the winner in this competition — ensuring that you never weaken (control) me with your love- and emotional-closeness stuff.

In short, when I say “I love you,” I love the power I have to remain a mystery that you’ll never solve because of what you do not know (and refuse to believe), that: the only one who can win this zero-sum-winner-takes-all game is the one who knows “the rules.” My sense of power rests on ensuring you never succeed at persuading me to join you in creating a mutually-kind relationship because, in my worldview, being vulnerable, emotionally expressive, kind, caring, empathetic, innocent are signs of weakness, proof of inferiority.

Thanks, but no thanks, I’m resolved to stay on my winner-takes-all ground, ever in competition for the prize, seeing you as my fiercest competitor, gloating in my narcissistic ability to be heartless, callous, cold, calculating … and proud, to ensure my neediness for a sense of superiority isn’t hampered.

Forever love-limiting,

Your narcissist...

[dyreliev]

What It Means When a Narcissist Says “I Love You”

Dear Codependent Partner, What I’m about to say is not something I’d ever say or admit (to you), because to do so would end the winner-takes-all-game that is my main source of pleasure in life — one that effectively keeps you carrying my load in our relationship. And that’s the whole point. When I say “I love you” I mean that I love how hard you work to make me feel like your everything, that I am the focus of your life, that you want me to be happy, and that I’ll never be expected to do the same. I love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and intentions to be nice, and the pleasure I derive when I make myself feel huge in comparison to you, taking every opportunity to make you feel small and insignificant. I love the feeling it gives me thinking of you as weak, vulnerable, emotionally fluffy, and I love looking down on you for your childlike innocence and gullibility, as weakness. I love the way I feel knowing that, through the use of gaslighting, what you want to discuss or address will never happen, and I love this “power” to train you to feel “crazy” for even asking or bringing up issues that don’t interest me, effectively, ever lowering your expectations of me and what I’m capable of giving you, while I up mine of you. I love how easy it is to keep your sole focus on alleviating my pain (never yours!), and that, regardless what you do, you’ll never make me feel good enough, loved enough, respected enough, appreciated enough, and so on. (Misery loves company.) (It’s not about the closeness, empathy, emotional connection you want, or what I did that hurt or embarrassed you, or how little time I spend engaged with you or the children, and so on. It’s about my status and doing my job to keep you in your place, in pain, focused on feeling my pain, blocking you from feeling valued in relation to me. I’m superior and entitled to all the pleasure, admiration, and comforting between us, remember?) “I love you” means I love the way I feel when you are with me, more specifically, regarding you as a piece of property I own, my possession. Like driving a hot car, I love the extent to which you enhance my status in the eyes of others, letting them know that I’m top dog, and so on. I love thinking others are jealous of my possessions. I love the power I have to keep you working hard to prove your love and devotion, wondering what else you need to do to “prove” your loyalty. “I love you” means I love the way I feel when I’m with you. Due to how often I hate and look down on others in general, the mirror neurons in my brain keep me constantly experiencing feelings of self-loathing; thus, I love that I can love myself through you, and also love hating you for my “neediness” of having to rely on you or anyone for anything. I love that you are there to blame whenever I feel this “neediness”; feeling scorn for you seems to protect me from something I hate to admit, that I feel totally dependent on you to “feed” my sense of superiority and entitlement, and to keep my illusion of power alive in my mind. (Nothing makes me feel more fragile and vulnerable than not having control over something that would tarnish my image and superior status, such as when you question “how” I treat you, as if you still don’t understand that getting you to accept yourself as an object for my pleasure, happy regardless of how I treat you, or the children  — is key proof of my superiority, to the world. You’re my possession, remember? It’s my job to teach you to hate and act calloused toward those “crazy” things that only “weak” people need, such as “closeness” and “emotional stuff;” and by the way, I know this “works” because my childhood taught me to do this to myself inside.) It makes me light up with pleasure (more proof of my superiority) that I can easily get you flustered, make you act “crazy” over not getting what you want from me, make you repeat yourself, and say and do things that you’ll later hate yourself for (because of your “niceness”!). Everything you say, any hurts or complaints you share, you can be sure, I’ll taunt you with later, to keep you ever-spinning your wheels, ever trying to explain yourself, ever doubting yourself and confused, trying to figure out why I don’t “get” it. (There’s nothing to get! To break the code, you’d have to look through my lens, not yours! It’s my job to show complete disinterest in your emotional needs, hurts, wants, and to train, dismiss and punish accordingly, until you learn your “lesson,” that is: To take your place as a voiceless object, a possession has no desire except to serve my pleasure and comfort, and never an opinion on how its treated!) (That you can’t figure this out, after all the ways I’ve mistreated you, to me, is proof of my genetic superiority. In my playbook, those with superior genes are never kind, except to lure and snare their victims!) I love that I can make you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by giving attention to other women (perhaps also others in general, friends, family members, children, etc. … the list is endless). What power this gives me to put a display of what you don’t get from me, to taunt and make you beg for what I easily give to others, wondering why it’s so easy to give what you want to others, to express feelings or affection, to give compliments, that is, when it serves my pleasure (in this case, to watch you squirm). I love the power I have to get you back whenever you threaten to leave, by throwing a few crumbs your way, and watching how quickly I can talk you into trusting me when I turn on the charm, deceiving you into thinking, this time, I’ll change. “I love you” means I need you because, due to the self-loathing I carry inside, I need someone who won’t abandon me that I can use as a punching bag, to make myself feel good by making them feel bad about themselves. (This is how I pleasure myself, and the way I numb, deny the scary feelings I carry inside that I hope to never admit, ever. I hate any signs of weakness in me, which is why I hate you, and all those I consider inferior, stupid, feeble, and so on.) “I love you” means that I love fixing and shaping your thoughts and beliefs, being in control of your mind, so that you think of me as your miracle and savior, a source of life and sustenance you depend on, and bouncing back to, like gravity, no matter how high you try to fly away or jump. I love that this makes me feel like a god, to keep you so focused (obsessed…) with making me feel worshiped and adored, sacrificing everything for me to prove yourself so that I don’t condemn you, seeking to please none other, and inherently, with sole rights to administer rewards and punishments as I please. I love how I can use my power to keep you down, doubting and second-guessing yourself, questioning your sanity, obsessed with explaining yourself to me (and others), professing your loyalty, wondering what’s wrong with you (instead of realizing that … you cannot make someone “happy” who derives their sense of power and pleasure from feeling scorn for others … and you!). “I love you” means I love the way I feel when I see myself through your admiring eyes, that you’re my feel-good drug, my dedicated audience, my biggest fan and admirer, and so on. You, and in particular, your looking up to me, unquestionably, as your never-erring, omniscient, omnipotent source of knowledge is my drug of choice. (You may have noticed how touchy I am at any signs of being question; yes, I hate how fragile I feel at any sign of thinking that you, or the world, could judge me as having failed to keep my possessions in line.) And I love that, no matter how hard you beg and plead for my love and admiration, to feel valued in return, it won’t happen, as long as I’m in control. Why would I let it, when I’m hooked on deriving pleasure from depriving you of anything that would be wind beneath your wings, risking you’d fly away from me? It gives me great pleasure to not give you what you yearn for, the tenderness you need and want, and to burst your every dream and bubble, then telling myself, “I’m no fool.” I love that I can control your attempts to get “through” to me, by controlling your mind, in particular, by shifting the focus of any “discussion” onto what is wrong with you, your failure to appreciate and make me feel loved, good enough — and of course, reminding you of all I’ve done for you, and how ungrateful you are. I love how I skillfully manipulate others’ opinions of you as well, getting them to side with me as the “good” guy, and side against you as the “bad” guy, portraying you as needy, never satisfied, always complaining, selfish and controlling, and the like. I love how easy it is for me to say “No!” to what may provide you a sense of value and significance in relation to me, with endless excuses, and that I instead keep your focus on my needs and wants, my discomforts or pain. I love feeling that I own your thoughts, your ambitions, and ensuring your wants and needs are solely focused on not upsetting me, keeping me happy. I love being a drug of choice you “have to” have, regardless of how I mistreat you, despite all the signs that your addiction to me is draining the energy from your life, that you are at risk of losing more and more of what you most value, and hold dear, to include the people you love, and those who love and support you. I love that I can isolate you from others who may nourish you, and break the spell, and I love making you mistrust them, so that you conclude no one else really wants to put up with you, but me. I love that I can make you feel I’m doing you a favor by being with you and throwing crumbs your way. Like a vacuum, the emptiness inside me is in constant need of sucking the life and breath and vitality you bring to my life, which I crave like a drug that can never satisfy, that I fight to hoard, and hate the thought of sharing. While I hate you and my addiction to your caring attention, my neediness keeps me craving to see myself through your caring eyes, ever ready to admire, adore, forgive, make excuses for me, and fall for my lies and traps. I love that you keep telling me how much I hurt you, not knowing that, to me, this is like a free marketing report, which lets me know how effective my tactics have been to keep you in pain, focused on alleviating my pain — so that I am ever the winner in this competition — ensuring that you never weaken (control) me with your love- and emotional-closeness stuff. In short, when I say “I love you,” I love the power I have to remain a mystery that you’ll never solve because of what you do not know (and refuse to believe), that: the only one who can win this zero-sum-winner-takes-all game is the one who knows “the rules.” My sense of power rests on ensuring you never succeed at persuading me to join you in creating a mutually-kind relationship because, in my worldview, being vulnerable, emotionally expressive, kind, caring, empathetic, innocent are signs of weakness, proof of inferiority. Thanks, but no thanks, I’m resolved to stay on my winner-takes-all ground, ever in competition for the prize, gloating in my narcissistic ability to be heartless, callous, cold, calculating … and proud, to ensure my neediness for a sense of superiority isn’t hampered. Forever love-limiting, Your narcissist By WRITEGIRL July 18, 2017

[oovitus]

Get to the Target: Kevin Lacz on Motivation and Teamwork

A former U.S. Navy SEAL who served with one of the most decorated units of the Iraq war. Advisor and co-star in the Oscar-winning film, American Sniper. Author of the bestselling memoir The Last Punisher. Co-founder of Lifestyle and Performance Medicine and the Hunting for Healing charity for veterans. Successful motivational speaker and consultant.

No one would question Kevin Lacz’s ability to get to his target.

And yet, when asked what motivates him, he explains that it was a sense of academic failure during his first year in college that helped set him on his current path.

“I had to taste what it’s like to fail in order to tap into what drives me to succeed,” he says. The 9/11 terrorist attacks inspired him to leave college and enlist in the U.S. Navy, where he completed Basic Underwater Demolition SEAL training and found a home on SEAL Team THREE.

“I hate failing, so why not see how good I am at the highest level? For me, it was getting to that point where I realized I didn’t want to fail anymore, so I’m going to join the military, and the SEAL Teams, which is the most competitive environment possible.”

After an inspiring presentation and book-signing for Highmark health plan employees, Lacz generously took time for an interview initiated by Lynn Seay, Highmark Health vice president, external communications and public relations.

Lynn Seay (LS): Thank you for an excellent presentation — so many things resonated. Our organization has been going through a huge transformation. People are encouraged to think outside the box, but one challenge is getting broader buy-in. Any thoughts on how to motivate people, when you’re willing to make a change yourself, but as a leader now you have to get other people to do something differently that may be uncomfortable for them?

Kevin Lacz, former U.S. Navy SEAL, author of the bestselling memoir The Last Punisher; co-star of American Sniper; certified Physician Assistant and co-founder of Lifestyle and Performance Medicine.

Kevin Lacz (KL): To succeed and win, you have to take some sort of risk. My old platoon chief used to say, “If everybody likes you, you’re doing something wrong.”

If you think about the bell curve, there will always be people on the fringe that you’re not going to reach. That’s part of growth — it can be painful at times for everybody involved, but you have to make necessary changes, and people not willing to get on board need to understand that this is the direction we’re going. Either they’ll jump onto the big win or they’re left behind in the dust.

With personal motivation, the question is what experiences and environments can you put yourself into that really tap your full potential? You can be on that path of least resistance all day long, but if you want to be dynamic and successful, you have to get outside that path and challenge yourself. For me, going to the Teams was that kind of change. I liked every morning getting up and knowing that I had to perform at the highest level.

Don Bertschman (DB): In your presentation, the approach to teamwork was centered on the individual — owning your space, understanding your influence — but you also emphasized the bowed head of the eagle in the SEAL trident, which is about the value of humility. Could you talk more about finding the balance between high-performing individualism and what a team may need?

KL: You have to be comfortable as an individual to be successful on a team. I think if there’s any insecurity on board, that makes you more of a liability than a helpful part of the team. With the SEAL teams, when you put people through a rigorous training where everybody fails at some point, people learn how to be humble. It kind of hedges that Alpha personality.

On the Teams, when we would do operations and training, we would have the first and second in charge leading, but then we’d mix it up, and the last guy would have to lead the operation. Anyone can sit in the peanut gallery and make comments — knowing that you could be tapped to step up and lead at a moment’s notice puts a check on that. On the collaborative side, having everybody be part of the planning process is also important. If you’re assaulting a target, and you’ve been doing it one way, it’s good to have someone look at a plan with fresh eyes and say, wait, what about this way? This approach to mission planning helped balance out the strong personalities while bringing everyone’s different strengths to the table.

DB: What about clarity of mission? Some veterans have told me that can be a transition challenge — going from a military environment with a clear mission and clearly defined roles, into corporate situations where sometimes there is less clarity because of more people defining or redefining a mission from their own perspective.

KL: That’s a good observation, but I think it is oversimplifying to say there’s a military way that is very linear and then the civilian side is different. Yes, in the military I have a target, and it’s a capture or kill mission, and that’s pretty clear. But there is an old saying from a German general that no battle plan survives first contact with an enemy. Although you plan and plan, you still have to be ready to read and react and change.

Same thing in the business world. You set your budget and plan everything for the year ahead, but things change in your industry, priorities shift, what you predicted doesn’t happen — so again, the battle plan doesn’t survive first contact with the enemy.

In any setting, you have to look at your targets. In a SEAL mission, I might have a one-meter, three-meter, and 10-meter target, and I’m going to address what’s in front of me first, and then move on to the next one. Targets are different on the civilian side — instead of hunting bad guys, we’re making sales or growing business or improving a process, but we have to adapt and do what we have to do to get to the target.

DB: In our Veterans Voices series, veterans share insights on a range of topics, including the transition experience — not just challenges, but also how military experience has been valuable in their work. That’s also a focus of our V.E.T.S. business resource group — helping veterans, and leaders across the organization, to fully appreciate that value. Do you have any advice around hiring veterans and working through that initial transition period?

KL: First, there’s a belief sometimes that every veteran who’s seen combat has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and that’s just not the case. Estimates vary, but one study of 60,000 Iraq and Afghanistan veterans said 15.7 percent screened positive for PTSD. Experiences change individuals. You could see a traumatic highway accident and that could change you. But I don’t think every experience like that is negative. I’ve had friends killed in combat. You accept that as an inherent danger of being a Team guy. But it can also be empowering to realize that there are people who are willing to put everything on the line. I think with veterans you have to see where those military experiences, good and bad, strengthen you and make you a more complete individual.

What all branches of the military have in common is that they send you through training that includes teaching you to be on time, have your appearance reflect your attitude, and work well with others. Sometimes it’s just the basics — that can shift the climate in a business when you don’t compromise on something as basic as being on time, or the mutual respect of listening. Admiral McRaven talks about making your bed every morning — start each day with a victory. When you forget the basics it can parlay into longer-term failures potentially.

As a veteran, another thing is yes, be proud of your service, it helps you where you’re going, but don’t let it become a crutch you fall back on, where you are unwilling to change. You have to assimilate back to the civilian side.

DB: Could you talk about your civilian work as a certified Physician Assistant (PA) and how you co-founded Lifestyle and Performance Medicine?

KL: Sure. I was finishing my Master of Medical Science degree at Wake Forest and looking at PA jobs. I had a buddy going through what was then called Athlete’s Performance, now EXOS. This was a physical therapy and rehab institute that has an NFL Players Association contract. They teamed up with the Andrews Institute, and they have a benevolent fund where special operations guys can rehab next to professional athletes. My buddy was going through this program and one doctor he was working with, Dr. David LeMay, was looking to hire a PA. So that was the start.

Lifestyle and Performance Medicine is a concierge-based functional medicine practice. So functional medicine — we look at all the different problems going on; instead of just looking at a symptom, we try to find the root cause. I liked orthopaedic surgery, trauma surgery, that hands-on experience, but with functional medicine I like the system-based thinking and working with a patient to achieve their goals.

Most of my patients are healthy — they feel good, but they want to feel great, so we look at lifestyle, getting them off medications, everything we can do to achieve that goal. We have professional sports teams we work with, military units, SEAL units, and many private clients. We’re also involved in working to change treatment protocols for addressing older operators that have hormone issues, thyroid issues, and related issues.

Get to the Target: Kevin Lacz on Motivation and Teamwork published first on https://storeseapharmacy.tumblr.com

[lie-line]

What It Means When a Narcissist Says “I Love You”

Athena Staik, Ph.D.

~ 9 min read

Dear Codependent Partner,

What I’m about to say is not something I’d ever say or admit (to you), because to do so would end the winner-takes-all-game that is my main source of pleasure in life — one that effectively keeps you carrying my load in our relationship.

And that’s the whole point.

When I say “I love you” I mean that I love how hard you work to make me feel like your everything, that I am the focus of your life, that you want me to be happy, and that I’ll never be expected to do the same.

I love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and intentions to be nice, and the pleasure I derive when I make myself feel huge in comparison to you, taking every opportunity to make you feel small and insignificant. (I feel huge in comparison because, to me, these “desires” are evidence you’re weak, feeble in mind and inferior, and deserve to be treated accordingly!)

I love the feeling it gives me thinking of you as weak, vulnerable, emotionally crazy, and my biggest source of pleasure is having you to look down on with scorn … because, in my view, your childlike desires, innocence and gullibility is what proves your weakness and inferiority.

I love the way I feel knowing that, through the use of gaslighting, and other mind-game tactics, what you want to discuss or address will never happen, and I love this “power” to train you to feel “crazy” for even asking or bringing up issues that don’t interest me, effectively, ever lowering your expectations of me and what I’m capable of giving you, while I up mine of you.

I love how easy it is to keep your sole focus on alleviating my pain (never yours!), and that, regardless what you do, you’ll never make me feel good enough, loved enough, respected enough, appreciated enough, and so on. (Misery loves company.)

(It’s not about the closeness, empathy, emotional connection you want, or what I did that hurt or embarrassed you, or how little time I spend engaged with you or the children, and so on. It’s about my status and doing my job to keep you in your place, in pain, focused on feeling my pain, blocking you from feeling valued in relation to me. I’m superior and entitled to all the pleasure, admiration, and comforting between us, remember?)

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when you are with me, more specifically, regarding you as a piece of property I own, my possession. Like driving a hot car, I love the extent to which you enhance my status in the eyes of others, letting them know that I’m top dog, and so on. I love thinking others are jealous of my possessions.

I love the power I have to keep you working hard to prove your love and devotion, wondering what else you need to do to “prove” your loyalty.

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I’m with you. Due to how often I hate and look down on others in general, the mirror neurons in my brain keep me constantly experiencing feelings of self-loathing; thus, I love that I can love myself through you, and also love hating you for my “neediness” of having to rely on you or anyone for anything.

I love that you are there to blame whenever I feel this “neediness”; feeling scorn for you seems to protect me from something I hate to admit, that I feel totally dependent on you to “feed” my sense of superiority and entitlement, and to keep my illusion of power alive in my mind.

(Nothing makes me feel more fragile and vulnerable than not having control over something that would tarnish my image and superior status, such as when you question “how” I treat you, as if you still don’t understand that getting you to accept yourself as an object for my pleasure, happy regardless of how I treat you, or the children  — is key proof of my superiority, to the world. You’re my possession, remember? It’s my job to teach you to hate and act calloused toward those “crazy” things that only “weak” people need, such as “closeness” and “emotional stuff;” and by the way, I know this “works” because my childhood taught me to do this to myself inside.)

It makes me light up with pleasure (more proof of my superiority) that I can easily get you flustered, make you act “crazy” over not getting what you want from me, make you repeat yourself, and say and do things that you’ll later hate yourself for (because of your “niceness”!). Everything you say, any hurts or complaints you share, you can be sure, I’ll taunt you with later, to keep you ever-spinning your wheels, ever trying to explain yourself, ever doubting yourself and confused, trying to figure out why I don’t “get” it.

(There’s nothing to get! To break the code, you’d have to look through my lens, not yours! It’s my job to show complete disinterest in your emotional needs, hurts, wants, and to train, dismiss and punish accordingly, until you learn your “lesson,” that is: To take your place as a voiceless object, a possession has no desire except to serve my pleasure and comfort, and never an opinion on how it’s treated!)

(That you can’t figure this out, after all the ways I’ve mistreated you, to me, is proof of my genetic superiority. In my playbook, those with superior genes are never kind, except to lure and snare their victims!)

I love that I can make you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by giving attention to other women (perhaps also others in general, friends, family members, children, etc., the list is endless). What power this gives me to put on public displays of what you don’t get from me, to taunt and make you beg for what I easily give to others, wondering why it’s so easy to give what you want to others, to express feelings or affection, to give compliments, that is, when it serves my pleasure (in this case, to watch you squirm).

I love the power I have to get you back whenever you threaten to leave, by throwing a few crumbs your way, and watching how quickly I can talk you into trusting me when I turn on the charm, deceiving you into thinking, this time, I’ll change.

“I love you” means I need you because, due to the self-loathing I carry inside, I need someone who won’t abandon me that I can use as a punching bag, to make myself feel good by making them feel bad about themselves. (This is how I pleasure myself, and the way I numb, deny the scary feelings I carry inside that I hope to never admit, ever. I hate any signs of weakness in me, which is why I hate you, and all the “nice” weaklings I view as inferior, stupid, feeble, and so on.)

“I love you” means that I love fixing and shaping your thoughts and beliefs, being in control of your mind, so that you think of me as your miracle and savior, a source of life and sustenance you depend on, and bouncing back to, like gravity, no matter how high you try to fly away or jump.

I love that this makes me feel like a god, to keep you so focused (obsessed…) with making me feel worshiped and adored, sacrificing everything for me to prove yourself so that I don’t condemn or disapprove of you, seeking to please none other, and inherently, with sole rights to administer rewards and punishments as I please.

I love how I can use my power to keep you down, doubting and second-guessing yourself, questioning your sanity, obsessed with explaining yourself to me (and others), professing your loyalty, wondering what’s wrong with you (instead of realizing that … you cannot make someone “happy” who derives their sense of power and pleasure from feeling scorn for the weaklings who let me take advantage of them … like you!).

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I see myself through your admiring eyes, that you’re my feel-good drug, my dedicated audience, my biggest fan and admirer, and so on. Training you to look up to me, never question me, and bow down with pleasure to serve me as your never-erring, omniscient, omnipotent source of knowledge is my end-goal — my drug of choice.

(You may have noticed how touchy I am at any sign that you would question me; I hate how fragile I feel in such moments,  worried that failing to train you in silent submission could tarnish my image in the world, something I care about more than anything else, even life itself!)

And I love that, no matter how hard you beg and plead for my love and admiration, to feel valued in return, it won’t happen, as long as I’m in control. Why would I let it, when I’m hooked on deriving pleasure from depriving you of anything that would make you feel worthwhile, be wind beneath your wings, risking you’d fly away from me? Besides, it gives me great pleasure to not give you what you yearn for, the tenderness you need and want, and to burst your every dream and bubble, then telling myself, “I’m no fool.”

I love that I can control your attempts to get “through” to me, by controlling your mind, in particular, by shifting the focus of any “discussion” onto what is wrong with you, your failure to appreciate and make me feel loved, good enough, etc. — and of course, reminding you of all I’ve done for you, and how ungrateful you are.

I love how skillfully I manipulate others’ opinions of you as well, getting them to side with me as the “good” guy, and side against you as the “bad” guy, portraying you as incapable of making me happy or manly — or as needy, never satisfied, always complaining, selfish and controlling, and the like.

I love how easy it is for me to say “No!” to what may give you credit, or increase your sense of value and significance in relation to me, with endless excuses; and that instead, I return your focus to my unfulfilled needs and wants, my discomforts or pain.

I love feeling that I own your thoughts, your ambitions, and ensuring the only wants and needs you focus on are ones that serve my pleasure and comfort.

I love being a drug of choice you “have to” have, regardless of how I mistreat you, despite all the signs that your addiction to me is draining the energy from your life, and that you are at risk of losing more and more of what you most value and hold dear, to include those you move love and love and support you in return.

I love that I can isolate you from others who may nourish you, and break the spell of thinking they ever loved you; I love making you mistrust them, so that you conclude no one else really wants to put up with you, but me.

I love that I can make you feel I’m doing you a favor by being with you and throwing a few crumbs your way. Like a vacuum, the emptiness inside me is in constant need of sucking the life and breath and vitality you, and your determination to be kind, brings to my life, which I crave like a drug that can never satisfy, that I fight to hoard, and hate the thought of sharing.

While I hate you and my addiction to your caring attention, my neediness keeps me craving to see myself through your caring eyes, ever ready to admire, adore, forgive, make excuses for me, and fall for my lies and traps. (I could never appreciate or value you for this, how could I? I hate myself for needing these caring, yet unmanly gestures, which disgust me.)

I love that you keep telling me how much I hurt you, not knowing that, to me, this is like a free marketing report. It lets me know how effective my tactics have been to keep you in pain, focused on alleviating my pain — so that I am ever the winner in this competition — ensuring that you never weaken (control) me with your love- and emotional-closeness stuff.

In short, when I say “I love you,” I love the power I have to remain a mystery that you’ll never solve because of what you do not know (and refuse to believe), that: the only one who can win this zero-sum-winner-takes-all game is the one who knows “the rules.” My sense of power rests on ensuring you never succeed at persuading me to join you in creating a mutually-kind relationship because, in my worldview, being vulnerable, emotionally expressive, kind, caring, empathetic, innocent are signs of weakness, proof of inferiority.

Thanks, but no thanks, I’m resolved to stay on my winner-takes-all ground, ever in competition for the prize, seeing you as my fiercest competitor, gloating in my narcissistic ability to be heartless, callous, cold, calculating … and proud, to ensure my neediness for a sense of superiority isn’t hampered.

Forever love-limiting,

Your narcissist

PS: I really, really need help — but you CANNOT do this work for me (not without making things worse for both of us!).  Remember, we’re co-addicted to each other, so we’d never go to an addict to get help, right?

Only a therapist, with experience in this, stands a chance, and even then, only if I choose to really, really, really let him/her! (That’s because I’d have to face my greatest fear that, not only am I not superior to those I regard as inferior, and thus not entitled to make and break rules as I please, but I’d also have to own — that my own actions, thoughts and beliefs about myself and others — are THE main cause of the suffering in my life … and changing them, THE solution. I could not would not ever want to do this for the sole reason that, from my worldview, only the feeble-minded and weak do such things! Death is better, than losing.)

[aikerbicosyudu]

Dear Codependent Partner,

What I’m about to say is not something I’d ever say or admit (to you), because to do so would end the winner-takes-all-game that is my main source of pleasure in life — one that effectively keeps you carrying my load in our relationship.

And that’s the whole point.

When I say “I love you” I mean that I love how hard you work to make me feel like your everything, that I am the focus of your life, that you want me to be happy, and that I’ll never be expected to do the same.

I love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and intentions to be nice, and the pleasure I derive when I make myself feel huge in comparison to you, taking every opportunity to make you feel small and insignificant.

I love the feeling it gives me thinking of you as weak, vulnerable, emotionally fluffy, and I love looking down on you for your childlike innocence and gullibility, as weakness.

I love the way I feel knowing that, through the use of gaslighting, what you want to discuss or address will never happen, and I love this “power” to train you to feel “crazy” for even asking or bringing up issues that don’t interest me, effectively, ever lowering your expectations of me and what I’m capable of giving you, while I up mine of you.

I love how easy it is to keep your sole focus on alleviating my pain (never yours!), and that, regardless what you do, you’ll never make me feel good enough, loved enough, respected enough, appreciated enough, and so on. (Misery loves company.)

(It’s not about the closeness, empathy, emotional connection you want, or what I did that hurt or embarrassed you, or how little time I spend engaged with you or the children, and so on. It’s about my status and doing my job to keep you in your place, in pain, focused on feeling my pain, blocking you from feeling valued in relation to me. I’m superior and entitled to all the pleasure, admiration, and comforting between us, remember?)

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when you are with me, more specifically, regarding you as a piece of property I own, my possession. Like driving a hot car, I love the extent to which you enhance my status in the eyes of others, letting them know that I’m top dog, and so on. I love thinking others are jealous of my possessions.

I love the power I have to keep you working hard to prove your love and devotion, wondering what else you need to do to “prove” your loyalty.

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I’m with you. Due to how often I hate and look down on others in general, the mirror neurons in my brain keep me constantly experiencing feelings of self-loathing; thus, I love that I can love myself through you, and also love hating you for my “neediness” of having to rely on you or anyone for anything.

I love that you are there to blame whenever I feel this “neediness”; feeling scorn for you seems to protect me from something I hate to admit, that I feel totally dependent on you to “feed” my sense of superiority and entitlement, and to keep my illusion of power alive in my mind.

(Nothing makes me feel more fragile and vulnerable than not having control over something that would tarnish my image and superior status, such as when you question “how” I treat you, as if you still don’t understand that getting you to accept yourself as an object for my pleasure, happy regardless of how I treat you, or the children  — is key proof of my superiority, to the world. You’re my possession, remember? It’s my job to teach you to hate and act calloused toward those “crazy” things that only “weak” people need, such as “closeness” and “emotional stuff;” and by the way, I know this “works” because my childhood taught me to do this to myself inside.)

It makes me light up with pleasure (more proof of my superiority) that I can easily get you flustered, make you act “crazy” over not getting what you want from me, make you repeat yourself, and say and do things that you’ll later hate yourself for (because of your “niceness”!). Everything you say, any hurts or complaints you share, you can be sure, I’ll taunt you with later, to keep you ever-spinning your wheels, ever trying to explain yourself, ever doubting yourself and confused, trying to figure out why I don’t “get” it.

(There’s nothing to get! To break the code, you’d have to look through my lens, not yours! It’s my job to show complete disinterest in your emotional needs, hurts, wants, and to train, dismiss and punish accordingly, until you learn your “lesson,” that is: To take your place as a voiceless object, a possession has no desire except to serve my pleasure and comfort, and never an opinion on how its treated!)

(That you can’t figure this out, after all the ways I’ve mistreated you, to me, is proof of my genetic superiority.In my playbook, those with superior genes are never kind, except to lure and snare their victims!)

I love that I can make you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by giving attention to other women (perhaps also others in general, friends, family members, children, etc. … the list is endless). What power this gives me to put a display of what you don’t get from me, to taunt and make you beg for what I easily give to others, wondering why it’s so easy to give what you want to others, to express feelings or affection, to give compliments, that is, when it serves my pleasure (in this case, to watch you squirm).

I love the power I have to get you back whenever you threaten to leave, by throwing a few crumbs your way, and watching how quickly I can talk you into trusting me when I turn on the charm, deceiving you into thinking, this time, I’ll change.

“I love you” means I need you because, due to the self-loathing I carry inside, I need someone who won’t abandon me that I can use as a punching bag, to make myself feel good by making them feel bad about themselves. (This is how I pleasure myself, and the way I numb, deny the scary feelings I carry inside that I hope to never admit, ever. I hate any signs of weakness in me, which is why I hate you, and all those I consider inferior, stupid, feeble, and so on.)

“I love you” means that I love fixing and shaping your thoughts and beliefs, being in control of your mind, so that you think of me as your miracle and savior, a source of life and sustenance you depend on, and bouncing back to, like gravity, no matter how high you try to fly away or jump.

I love that this makes me feel like a god, to keep you so focused (obsessed…) with making me feel worshiped and adored, sacrificing everything for me to prove yourself so that I don’t condemn you, seeking to please none other, and inherently, with sole rights to administer rewards and punishments as I please.

I love how I can use my power to keep you down, doubting and second-guessing yourself, questioning your sanity, obsessed with explaining yourself to me (and others), professing your loyalty, wondering what’s wrong with you (instead of realizing that … you cannot make someone “happy” who derives their sense of power and pleasure from feeling scorn for others … and you!).

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I see myself through your admiring eyes, that you’re my feel-good drug, my dedicated audience, my biggest fan and admirer, and so on. You, and in particular, your looking up to me, unquestionably, as your never-erring, omniscient, omnipotent source of knowledge is my drug of choice. (You may have noticed how touchy I am at any signs of being question; yes, I hate how fragile I feel at any sign of thinking that you, or the world, could judge me as having failed to keep my possessions in line.)

And I love that, no matter how hard you beg and plead for my love and admiration, to feel valued in return, it won’t happen, as long as I’m in control. Why would I let it, when I’m hooked on deriving pleasure from depriving you of anything that would be wind beneath your wings, risking you’d fly away from me? It gives me great pleasure to not give you what you yearn for, the tenderness you need and want, and to burst your every dream and bubble, then telling myself, “I’m no fool.”

I love that I can control your attempts to get “through” to me, by controlling your mind, in particular, by shifting the focus of any “discussion” onto what is wrong with you, your failure to appreciate and make me feel loved, good enough — and of course, reminding you of all I’ve done for you, and how ungrateful you are.

I love how I skillfully manipulate others’ opinions of you as well, getting them to side with me as the “good” guy, and side against you as the “bad” guy, portraying you as needy, never satisfied, always complaining, selfish and controlling, and the like.

I love how easy it is for me to say “No!” to what may provide you a sense of value and significance in relation to me, with endless excuses, and that I instead keep your focus on my needs and wants, my discomforts or pain.

I love feeling that I own your thoughts, your ambitions, and ensuring your wants and needs are solely focused on not upsetting me, keeping me happy.

I love being a drug of choice you “have to” have, regardless of how I mistreat you, despite all the signs that your addiction to me is draining the energy from your life, that you are at risk of losing more and more of what you most value, and hold dear, to include the people you love, and those who love and support you.

I love that I can isolate you from others who may nourish you, and break the spell, and I love making you mistrust them, so that you conclude no one else really wants to put up with you, but me.

I love that I can make you feel I’m doing you a favor by being with you and throwing crumbs your way. Like a vacuum, the emptiness inside me is in constant need of sucking the life and breath and vitality you bring to my life, which I crave like a drug that can never satisfy, that I fight to hoard, and hate the thought of sharing.

While I hate you and my addiction to your caring attention, my neediness keeps me craving to see myself through your caring eyes, ever ready to admire, adore, forgive, make excuses for me, and fall for my lies and traps.

I love that you keep telling me how much I hurt you, not knowing that, to me, this is like a free marketing report, which lets me know how effective my tactics have been to keep you in pain, focused on alleviating my pain — so that I am ever the winner in this competition — ensuring that you never weaken (control) me with your love- and emotional-closeness stuff.

In short, when I say “I love you,” I love the power I have to remain a mystery that you’ll never solve because of what you do not know (and refuse to believe), that: the only one who can win this zero-sum-winner-takes-all game is the one who knows “the rules.” My sense of power rests on ensuring you never succeed at persuading me to join you in creating a mutually-kind relationship because, in my worldview, being vulnerable, emotionally expressive, kind, caring, empathetic, innocent are signs of weakness, proof of inferiority.

Thanks, but no thanks, I’m resolved to stay on my winner-takes-all ground, ever in competition for the prize, gloating in my narcissistic ability to be heartless, callous, cold, calculating … and proud, to ensure my neediness for a sense of superiority isn’t hampered.

Forever love-limiting,

Your narcissist

http://themindsjournal.com/narcissist-says-i-love-you/

[oovitus]

Get to the Target: Kevin Lacz on Motivation and Teamwork

A former U.S. Navy SEAL who served with one of the most decorated units of the Iraq war. Advisor and co-star in the Oscar-winning film, American Sniper. Author of the bestselling memoir The Last Punisher. Co-founder of Lifestyle and Performance Medicine and the Hunting for Healing charity for veterans. Successful motivational speaker and consultant.

No one would question Kevin Lacz’s ability to get to his target.

And yet, when asked what motivates him, he explains that it was a sense of academic failure during his first year in college that helped set him on his current path.

“I had to taste what it’s like to fail in order to tap into what drives me to succeed,” he says. The 9/11 terrorist attacks inspired him to leave college and enlist in the U.S. Navy, where he completed Basic Underwater Demolition SEAL training and found a home on SEAL Team THREE.

“I hate failing, so why not see how good I am at the highest level? For me, it was getting to that point where I realized I didn’t want to fail anymore, so I’m going to join the military, and the SEAL Teams, which is the most competitive environment possible.”

After an inspiring presentation and book-signing for Highmark health plan employees, Lacz generously took time for an interview initiated by Lynn Seay, Highmark Health vice president, external communications and public relations.

Lynn Seay (LS): Thank you for an excellent presentation — so many things resonated. Our organization has been going through a huge transformation. People are encouraged to think outside the box, but one challenge is getting broader buy-in. Any thoughts on how to motivate people, when you’re willing to make a change yourself, but as a leader now you have to get other people to do something differently that may be uncomfortable for them?

Kevin Lacz, former U.S. Navy SEAL, author of the bestselling memoir The Last Punisher; co-star of American Sniper; certified Physician Assistant and co-founder of Lifestyle and Performance Medicine.

Kevin Lacz (KL): To succeed and win, you have to take some sort of risk. My old platoon chief used to say, “If everybody likes you, you’re doing something wrong.”

If you think about the bell curve, there will always be people on the fringe that you’re not going to reach. That’s part of growth — it can be painful at times for everybody involved, but you have to make necessary changes, and people not willing to get on board need to understand that this is the direction we’re going. Either they’ll jump onto the big win or they’re left behind in the dust.

With personal motivation, the question is what experiences and environments can you put yourself into that really tap your full potential? You can be on that path of least resistance all day long, but if you want to be dynamic and successful, you have to get outside that path and challenge yourself. For me, going to the Teams was that kind of change. I liked every morning getting up and knowing that I had to perform at the highest level.

Don Bertschman (DB): In your presentation, the approach to teamwork was centered on the individual — owning your space, understanding your influence — but you also emphasized the bowed head of the eagle in the SEAL trident, which is about the value of humility. Could you talk more about finding the balance between high-performing individualism and what a team may need?

KL: You have to be comfortable as an individual to be successful on a team. I think if there’s any insecurity on board, that makes you more of a liability than a helpful part of the team. With the SEAL teams, when you put people through a rigorous training where everybody fails at some point, people learn how to be humble. It kind of hedges that Alpha personality.

On the Teams, when we would do operations and training, we would have the first and second in charge leading, but then we’d mix it up, and the last guy would have to lead the operation. Anyone can sit in the peanut gallery and make comments — knowing that you could be tapped to step up and lead at a moment’s notice puts a check on that. On the collaborative side, having everybody be part of the planning process is also important. If you’re assaulting a target, and you’ve been doing it one way, it’s good to have someone look at a plan with fresh eyes and say, wait, what about this way? This approach to mission planning helped balance out the strong personalities while bringing everyone’s different strengths to the table.

DB: What about clarity of mission? Some veterans have told me that can be a transition challenge — going from a military environment with a clear mission and clearly defined roles, into corporate situations where sometimes there is less clarity because of more people defining or redefining a mission from their own perspective.

KL: That’s a good observation, but I think it is oversimplifying to say there’s a military way that is very linear and then the civilian side is different. Yes, in the military I have a target, and it’s a capture or kill mission, and that’s pretty clear. But there is an old saying from a German general that no battle plan survives first contact with an enemy. Although you plan and plan, you still have to be ready to read and react and change.

Same thing in the business world. You set your budget and plan everything for the year ahead, but things change in your industry, priorities shift, what you predicted doesn’t happen — so again, the battle plan doesn’t survive first contact with the enemy.

In any setting, you have to look at your targets. In a SEAL mission, I might have a one-meter, three-meter, and 10-meter target, and I’m going to address what’s in front of me first, and then move on to the next one. Targets are different on the civilian side — instead of hunting bad guys, we’re making sales or growing business or improving a process, but we have to adapt and do what we have to do to get to the target.

DB: In our Veterans Voices series, veterans share insights on a range of topics, including the transition experience — not just challenges, but also how military experience has been valuable in their work. That’s also a focus of our V.E.T.S. business resource group — helping veterans, and leaders across the organization, to fully appreciate that value. Do you have any advice around hiring veterans and working through that initial transition period?

KL: First, there’s a belief sometimes that every veteran who’s seen combat has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and that’s just not the case. Estimates vary, but one study of 60,000 Iraq and Afghanistan veterans said 15.7 percent screened positive for PTSD. Experiences change individuals. You could see a traumatic highway accident and that could change you. But I don’t think every experience like that is negative. I’ve had friends killed in combat. You accept that as an inherent danger of being a Team guy. But it can also be empowering to realize that there are people who are willing to put everything on the line. I think with veterans you have to see where those military experiences, good and bad, strengthen you and make you a more complete individual.

What all branches of the military have in common is that they send you through training that includes teaching you to be on time, have your appearance reflect your attitude, and work well with others. Sometimes it’s just the basics — that can shift the climate in a business when you don’t compromise on something as basic as being on time, or the mutual respect of listening. Admiral McRaven talks about making your bed every morning — start each day with a victory. When you forget the basics it can parlay into longer-term failures potentially.

As a veteran, another thing is yes, be proud of your service, it helps you where you’re going, but don’t let it become a crutch you fall back on, where you are unwilling to change. You have to assimilate back to the civilian side.

DB: Could you talk about your civilian work as a certified Physician Assistant (PA) and how you co-founded Lifestyle and Performance Medicine?

KL: Sure. I was finishing my Master of Medical Science degree at Wake Forest and looking at PA jobs. I had a buddy going through what was then called Athlete’s Performance, now EXOS. This was a physical therapy and rehab institute that has an NFL Players Association contract. They teamed up with the Andrews Institute, and they have a benevolent fund where special operations guys can rehab next to professional athletes. My buddy was going through this program and one doctor he was working with, Dr. David LeMay, was looking to hire a PA. So that was the start.

Lifestyle and Performance Medicine is a concierge-based functional medicine practice. So functional medicine — we look at all the different problems going on; instead of just looking at a symptom, we try to find the root cause. I liked orthopaedic surgery, trauma surgery, that hands-on experience, but with functional medicine I like the system-based thinking and working with a patient to achieve their goals.

Most of my patients are healthy — they feel good, but they want to feel great, so we look at lifestyle, getting them off medications, everything we can do to achieve that goal. We have professional sports teams we work with, military units, SEAL units, and many private clients. We’re also involved in working to change treatment protocols for addressing older operators that have hormone issues, thyroid issues, and related issues.

Get to the Target: Kevin Lacz on Motivation and Teamwork published first on https://storeseapharmacy.tumblr.com

[oovitus]

Get to the Target: Kevin Lacz on Motivation and Teamwork

A former U.S. Navy SEAL who served with one of the most decorated units of the Iraq war. Advisor and co-star in the Oscar-winning film, American Sniper. Author of the bestselling memoir The Last Punisher. Co-founder of Lifestyle and Performance Medicine and the Hunting for Healing charity for veterans. Successful motivational speaker and consultant.

No one would question Kevin Lacz’s ability to get to his target.

And yet, when asked what motivates him, he explains that it was a sense of academic failure during his first year in college that helped set him on his current path.

“I had to taste what it’s like to fail in order to tap into what drives me to succeed,” he says. The 9/11 terrorist attacks inspired him to leave college and enlist in the U.S. Navy, where he completed Basic Underwater Demolition SEAL training and found a home on SEAL Team THREE.

“I hate failing, so why not see how good I am at the highest level? For me, it was getting to that point where I realized I didn’t want to fail anymore, so I’m going to join the military, and the SEAL Teams, which is the most competitive environment possible.”

After an inspiring presentation and book-signing for Highmark health plan employees, Lacz generously took time for an interview initiated by Lynn Seay, Highmark Health vice president, external communications and public relations.

Lynn Seay (LS): Thank you for an excellent presentation — so many things resonated. Our organization has been going through a huge transformation. People are encouraged to think outside the box, but one challenge is getting broader buy-in. Any thoughts on how to motivate people, when you’re willing to make a change yourself, but as a leader now you have to get other people to do something differently that may be uncomfortable for them?

Kevin Lacz, former U.S. Navy SEAL, author of the bestselling memoir The Last Punisher; co-star of American Sniper; certified Physician Assistant and co-founder of Lifestyle and Performance Medicine.

Kevin Lacz (KL): To succeed and win, you have to take some sort of risk. My old platoon chief used to say, “If everybody likes you, you’re doing something wrong.”

If you think about the bell curve, there will always be people on the fringe that you’re not going to reach. That’s part of growth — it can be painful at times for everybody involved, but you have to make necessary changes, and people not willing to get on board need to understand that this is the direction we’re going. Either they’ll jump onto the big win or they’re left behind in the dust.

With personal motivation, the question is what experiences and environments can you put yourself into that really tap your full potential? You can be on that path of least resistance all day long, but if you want to be dynamic and successful, you have to get outside that path and challenge yourself. For me, going to the Teams was that kind of change. I liked every morning getting up and knowing that I had to perform at the highest level.

Don Bertschman (DB): In your presentation, the approach to teamwork was centered on the individual — owning your space, understanding your influence — but you also emphasized the bowed head of the eagle in the SEAL trident, which is about the value of humility. Could you talk more about finding the balance between high-performing individualism and what a team may need?

KL: You have to be comfortable as an individual to be successful on a team. I think if there’s any insecurity on board, that makes you more of a liability than a helpful part of the team. With the SEAL teams, when you put people through a rigorous training where everybody fails at some point, people learn how to be humble. It kind of hedges that Alpha personality.

On the Teams, when we would do operations and training, we would have the first and second in charge leading, but then we’d mix it up, and the last guy would have to lead the operation. Anyone can sit in the peanut gallery and make comments — knowing that you could be tapped to step up and lead at a moment’s notice puts a check on that. On the collaborative side, having everybody be part of the planning process is also important. If you’re assaulting a target, and you’ve been doing it one way, it’s good to have someone look at a plan with fresh eyes and say, wait, what about this way? This approach to mission planning helped balance out the strong personalities while bringing everyone’s different strengths to the table.

DB: What about clarity of mission? Some veterans have told me that can be a transition challenge — going from a military environment with a clear mission and clearly defined roles, into corporate situations where sometimes there is less clarity because of more people defining or redefining a mission from their own perspective.

KL: That’s a good observation, but I think it is oversimplifying to say there’s a military way that is very linear and then the civilian side is different. Yes, in the military I have a target, and it’s a capture or kill mission, and that’s pretty clear. But there is an old saying from a German general that no battle plan survives first contact with an enemy. Although you plan and plan, you still have to be ready to read and react and change.

Same thing in the business world. You set your budget and plan everything for the year ahead, but things change in your industry, priorities shift, what you predicted doesn’t happen — so again, the battle plan doesn’t survive first contact with the enemy.

In any setting, you have to look at your targets. In a SEAL mission, I might have a one-meter, three-meter, and 10-meter target, and I’m going to address what’s in front of me first, and then move on to the next one. Targets are different on the civilian side — instead of hunting bad guys, we’re making sales or growing business or improving a process, but we have to adapt and do what we have to do to get to the target.

DB: In our Veterans Voices series, veterans share insights on a range of topics, including the transition experience — not just challenges, but also how military experience has been valuable in their work. That’s also a focus of our V.E.T.S. business resource group — helping veterans, and leaders across the organization, to fully appreciate that value. Do you have any advice around hiring veterans and working through that initial transition period?

KL: First, there’s a belief sometimes that every veteran who’s seen combat has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and that’s just not the case. Estimates vary, but one study of 60,000 Iraq and Afghanistan veterans said 15.7 percent screened positive for PTSD. Experiences change individuals. You could see a traumatic highway accident and that could change you. But I don’t think every experience like that is negative. I’ve had friends killed in combat. You accept that as an inherent danger of being a Team guy. But it can also be empowering to realize that there are people who are willing to put everything on the line. I think with veterans you have to see where those military experiences, good and bad, strengthen you and make you a more complete individual.

What all branches of the military have in common is that they send you through training that includes teaching you to be on time, have your appearance reflect your attitude, and work well with others. Sometimes it’s just the basics — that can shift the climate in a business when you don’t compromise on something as basic as being on time, or the mutual respect of listening. Admiral McRaven talks about making your bed every morning — start each day with a victory. When you forget the basics it can parlay into longer-term failures potentially.

As a veteran, another thing is yes, be proud of your service, it helps you where you’re going, but don’t let it become a crutch you fall back on, where you are unwilling to change. You have to assimilate back to the civilian side.

DB: Could you talk about your civilian work as a certified Physician Assistant (PA) and how you co-founded Lifestyle and Performance Medicine?

KL: Sure. I was finishing my Master of Medical Science degree at Wake Forest and looking at PA jobs. I had a buddy going through what was then called Athlete’s Performance, now EXOS. This was a physical therapy and rehab institute that has an NFL Players Association contract. They teamed up with the Andrews Institute, and they have a benevolent fund where special operations guys can rehab next to professional athletes. My buddy was going through this program and one doctor he was working with, Dr. David LeMay, was looking to hire a PA. So that was the start.

Lifestyle and Performance Medicine is a concierge-based functional medicine practice. So functional medicine — we look at all the different problems going on; instead of just looking at a symptom, we try to find the root cause. I liked orthopaedic surgery, trauma surgery, that hands-on experience, but with functional medicine I like the system-based thinking and working with a patient to achieve their goals.

Most of my patients are healthy — they feel good, but they want to feel great, so we look at lifestyle, getting them off medications, everything we can do to achieve that goal. We have professional sports teams we work with, military units, SEAL units, and many private clients. We’re also involved in working to change treatment protocols for addressing older operators that have hormone issues, thyroid issues, and related issues.

Get to the Target: Kevin Lacz on Motivation and Teamwork published first on https://storeseapharmacy.tumblr.com

[oovitus]

Get to the Target: Kevin Lacz on Motivation and Teamwork

A former U.S. Navy SEAL who served with one of the most decorated units of the Iraq war. Advisor and co-star in the Oscar-winning film, American Sniper. Author of the bestselling memoir The Last Punisher. Co-founder of Lifestyle and Performance Medicine and the Hunting for Healing charity for veterans. Successful motivational speaker and consultant.

No one would question Kevin Lacz’s ability to get to his target.

And yet, when asked what motivates him, he explains that it was a sense of academic failure during his first year in college that helped set him on his current path.

“I had to taste what it’s like to fail in order to tap into what drives me to succeed,” he says. The 9/11 terrorist attacks inspired him to leave college and enlist in the U.S. Navy, where he completed Basic Underwater Demolition SEAL training and found a home on SEAL Team THREE.

“I hate failing, so why not see how good I am at the highest level? For me, it was getting to that point where I realized I didn’t want to fail anymore, so I’m going to join the military, and the SEAL Teams, which is the most competitive environment possible.”

After an inspiring presentation and book-signing for Highmark health plan employees, Lacz generously took time for an interview initiated by Lynn Seay, Highmark Health vice president, external communications and public relations.

Lynn Seay (LS): Thank you for an excellent presentation — so many things resonated. Our organization has been going through a huge transformation. People are encouraged to think outside the box, but one challenge is getting broader buy-in. Any thoughts on how to motivate people, when you’re willing to make a change yourself, but as a leader now you have to get other people to do something differently that may be uncomfortable for them?

Kevin Lacz, former U.S. Navy SEAL, author of the bestselling memoir The Last Punisher; co-star of American Sniper; certified Physician Assistant and co-founder of Lifestyle and Performance Medicine.

Kevin Lacz (KL): To succeed and win, you have to take some sort of risk. My old platoon chief used to say, “If everybody likes you, you’re doing something wrong.”

If you think about the bell curve, there will always be people on the fringe that you’re not going to reach. That’s part of growth — it can be painful at times for everybody involved, but you have to make necessary changes, and people not willing to get on board need to understand that this is the direction we’re going. Either they’ll jump onto the big win or they’re left behind in the dust.

With personal motivation, the question is what experiences and environments can you put yourself into that really tap your full potential? You can be on that path of least resistance all day long, but if you want to be dynamic and successful, you have to get outside that path and challenge yourself. For me, going to the Teams was that kind of change. I liked every morning getting up and knowing that I had to perform at the highest level.

Don Bertschman (DB): In your presentation, the approach to teamwork was centered on the individual — owning your space, understanding your influence — but you also emphasized the bowed head of the eagle in the SEAL trident, which is about the value of humility. Could you talk more about finding the balance between high-performing individualism and what a team may need?

KL: You have to be comfortable as an individual to be successful on a team. I think if there’s any insecurity on board, that makes you more of a liability than a helpful part of the team. With the SEAL teams, when you put people through a rigorous training where everybody fails at some point, people learn how to be humble. It kind of hedges that Alpha personality.

On the Teams, when we would do operations and training, we would have the first and second in charge leading, but then we’d mix it up, and the last guy would have to lead the operation. Anyone can sit in the peanut gallery and make comments — knowing that you could be tapped to step up and lead at a moment’s notice puts a check on that. On the collaborative side, having everybody be part of the planning process is also important. If you’re assaulting a target, and you’ve been doing it one way, it’s good to have someone look at a plan with fresh eyes and say, wait, what about this way? This approach to mission planning helped balance out the strong personalities while bringing everyone’s different strengths to the table.

DB: What about clarity of mission? Some veterans have told me that can be a transition challenge — going from a military environment with a clear mission and clearly defined roles, into corporate situations where sometimes there is less clarity because of more people defining or redefining a mission from their own perspective.

KL: That’s a good observation, but I think it is oversimplifying to say there’s a military way that is very linear and then the civilian side is different. Yes, in the military I have a target, and it’s a capture or kill mission, and that’s pretty clear. But there is an old saying from a German general that no battle plan survives first contact with an enemy. Although you plan and plan, you still have to be ready to read and react and change.

Same thing in the business world. You set your budget and plan everything for the year ahead, but things change in your industry, priorities shift, what you predicted doesn’t happen — so again, the battle plan doesn’t survive first contact with the enemy.

In any setting, you have to look at your targets. In a SEAL mission, I might have a one-meter, three-meter, and 10-meter target, and I’m going to address what’s in front of me first, and then move on to the next one. Targets are different on the civilian side — instead of hunting bad guys, we’re making sales or growing business or improving a process, but we have to adapt and do what we have to do to get to the target.

DB: In our Veterans Voices series, veterans share insights on a range of topics, including the transition experience — not just challenges, but also how military experience has been valuable in their work. That’s also a focus of our V.E.T.S. business resource group — helping veterans, and leaders across the organization, to fully appreciate that value. Do you have any advice around hiring veterans and working through that initial transition period?

KL: First, there’s a belief sometimes that every veteran who’s seen combat has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and that’s just not the case. Estimates vary, but one study of 60,000 Iraq and Afghanistan veterans said 15.7 percent screened positive for PTSD. Experiences change individuals. You could see a traumatic highway accident and that could change you. But I don’t think every experience like that is negative. I’ve had friends killed in combat. You accept that as an inherent danger of being a Team guy. But it can also be empowering to realize that there are people who are willing to put everything on the line. I think with veterans you have to see where those military experiences, good and bad, strengthen you and make you a more complete individual.

What all branches of the military have in common is that they send you through training that includes teaching you to be on time, have your appearance reflect your attitude, and work well with others. Sometimes it’s just the basics — that can shift the climate in a business when you don’t compromise on something as basic as being on time, or the mutual respect of listening. Admiral McRaven talks about making your bed every morning — start each day with a victory. When you forget the basics it can parlay into longer-term failures potentially.

As a veteran, another thing is yes, be proud of your service, it helps you where you’re going, but don’t let it become a crutch you fall back on, where you are unwilling to change. You have to assimilate back to the civilian side.

DB: Could you talk about your civilian work as a certified Physician Assistant (PA) and how you co-founded Lifestyle and Performance Medicine?

KL: Sure. I was finishing my Master of Medical Science degree at Wake Forest and looking at PA jobs. I had a buddy going through what was then called Athlete’s Performance, now EXOS. This was a physical therapy and rehab institute that has an NFL Players Association contract. They teamed up with the Andrews Institute, and they have a benevolent fund where special operations guys can rehab next to professional athletes. My buddy was going through this program and one doctor he was working with, Dr. David LeMay, was looking to hire a PA. So that was the start.

Lifestyle and Performance Medicine is a concierge-based functional medicine practice. So functional medicine — we look at all the different problems going on; instead of just looking at a symptom, we try to find the root cause. I liked orthopaedic surgery, trauma surgery, that hands-on experience, but with functional medicine I like the system-based thinking and working with a patient to achieve their goals.

Most of my patients are healthy — they feel good, but they want to feel great, so we look at lifestyle, getting them off medications, everything we can do to achieve that goal. We have professional sports teams we work with, military units, SEAL units, and many private clients. We’re also involved in working to change treatment protocols for addressing older operators that have hormone issues, thyroid issues, and related issues.

Get to the Target: Kevin Lacz on Motivation and Teamwork published first on

[oovitus]

Get to the Target: Kevin Lacz on Motivation and Teamwork

A former U.S. Navy SEAL who served with one of the most decorated units of the Iraq war. Advisor and co-star in the Oscar-winning film, American Sniper. Author of the bestselling memoir The Last Punisher. Co-founder of Lifestyle and Performance Medicine and the Hunting for Healing charity for veterans. Successful motivational speaker and consultant.

No one would question Kevin Lacz’s ability to get to his target.

And yet, when asked what motivates him, he explains that it was a sense of academic failure during his first year in college that helped set him on his current path.

“I had to taste what it’s like to fail in order to tap into what drives me to succeed,” he says. The 9/11 terrorist attacks inspired him to leave college and enlist in the U.S. Navy, where he completed Basic Underwater Demolition SEAL training and found a home on SEAL Team THREE.

“I hate failing, so why not see how good I am at the highest level? For me, it was getting to that point where I realized I didn’t want to fail anymore, so I’m going to join the military, and the SEAL Teams, which is the most competitive environment possible.”

After an inspiring presentation and book-signing for Highmark health plan employees, Lacz generously took time for an interview initiated by Lynn Seay, Highmark Health vice president, external communications and public relations.

Lynn Seay (LS): Thank you for an excellent presentation — so many things resonated. Our organization has been going through a huge transformation. People are encouraged to think outside the box, but one challenge is getting broader buy-in. Any thoughts on how to motivate people, when you’re willing to make a change yourself, but as a leader now you have to get other people to do something differently that may be uncomfortable for them?

Kevin Lacz, former U.S. Navy SEAL, author of the bestselling memoir The Last Punisher; co-star of American Sniper; certified Physician Assistant and co-founder of Lifestyle and Performance Medicine.

Kevin Lacz (KL): To succeed and win, you have to take some sort of risk. My old platoon chief used to say, “If everybody likes you, you’re doing something wrong.”

If you think about the bell curve, there will always be people on the fringe that you’re not going to reach. That’s part of growth — it can be painful at times for everybody involved, but you have to make necessary changes, and people not willing to get on board need to understand that this is the direction we’re going. Either they’ll jump onto the big win or they’re left behind in the dust.

With personal motivation, the question is what experiences and environments can you put yourself into that really tap your full potential? You can be on that path of least resistance all day long, but if you want to be dynamic and successful, you have to get outside that path and challenge yourself. For me, going to the Teams was that kind of change. I liked every morning getting up and knowing that I had to perform at the highest level.

Don Bertschman (DB): In your presentation, the approach to teamwork was centered on the individual — owning your space, understanding your influence — but you also emphasized the bowed head of the eagle in the SEAL trident, which is about the value of humility. Could you talk more about finding the balance between high-performing individualism and what a team may need?

KL: You have to be comfortable as an individual to be successful on a team. I think if there’s any insecurity on board, that makes you more of a liability than a helpful part of the team. With the SEAL teams, when you put people through a rigorous training where everybody fails at some point, people learn how to be humble. It kind of hedges that Alpha personality.

On the Teams, when we would do operations and training, we would have the first and second in charge leading, but then we’d mix it up, and the last guy would have to lead the operation. Anyone can sit in the peanut gallery and make comments — knowing that you could be tapped to step up and lead at a moment’s notice puts a check on that. On the collaborative side, having everybody be part of the planning process is also important. If you’re assaulting a target, and you’ve been doing it one way, it’s good to have someone look at a plan with fresh eyes and say, wait, what about this way? This approach to mission planning helped balance out the strong personalities while bringing everyone’s different strengths to the table.

DB: What about clarity of mission? Some veterans have told me that can be a transition challenge — going from a military environment with a clear mission and clearly defined roles, into corporate situations where sometimes there is less clarity because of more people defining or redefining a mission from their own perspective.

KL: That’s a good observation, but I think it is oversimplifying to say there’s a military way that is very linear and then the civilian side is different. Yes, in the military I have a target, and it’s a capture or kill mission, and that’s pretty clear. But there is an old saying from a German general that no battle plan survives first contact with an enemy. Although you plan and plan, you still have to be ready to read and react and change.

Same thing in the business world. You set your budget and plan everything for the year ahead, but things change in your industry, priorities shift, what you predicted doesn’t happen — so again, the battle plan doesn’t survive first contact with the enemy.

In any setting, you have to look at your targets. In a SEAL mission, I might have a one-meter, three-meter, and 10-meter target, and I’m going to address what’s in front of me first, and then move on to the next one. Targets are different on the civilian side — instead of hunting bad guys, we’re making sales or growing business or improving a process, but we have to adapt and do what we have to do to get to the target.

DB: In our Veterans Voices series, veterans share insights on a range of topics, including the transition experience — not just challenges, but also how military experience has been valuable in their work. That’s also a focus of our V.E.T.S. business resource group — helping veterans, and leaders across the organization, to fully appreciate that value. Do you have any advice around hiring veterans and working through that initial transition period?

KL: First, there’s a belief sometimes that every veteran who’s seen combat has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and that’s just not the case. Estimates vary, but one study of 60,000 Iraq and Afghanistan veterans said 15.7 percent screened positive for PTSD. Experiences change individuals. You could see a traumatic highway accident and that could change you. But I don’t think every experience like that is negative. I’ve had friends killed in combat. You accept that as an inherent danger of being a Team guy. But it can also be empowering to realize that there are people who are willing to put everything on the line. I think with veterans you have to see where those military experiences, good and bad, strengthen you and make you a more complete individual.

What all branches of the military have in common is that they send you through training that includes teaching you to be on time, have your appearance reflect your attitude, and work well with others. Sometimes it’s just the basics — that can shift the climate in a business when you don’t compromise on something as basic as being on time, or the mutual respect of listening. Admiral McRaven talks about making your bed every morning — start each day with a victory. When you forget the basics it can parlay into longer-term failures potentially.

As a veteran, another thing is yes, be proud of your service, it helps you where you’re going, but don’t let it become a crutch you fall back on, where you are unwilling to change. You have to assimilate back to the civilian side.

DB: Could you talk about your civilian work as a certified Physician Assistant (PA) and how you co-founded Lifestyle and Performance Medicine?

KL: Sure. I was finishing my Master of Medical Science degree at Wake Forest and looking at PA jobs. I had a buddy going through what was then called Athlete’s Performance, now EXOS. This was a physical therapy and rehab institute that has an NFL Players Association contract. They teamed up with the Andrews Institute, and they have a benevolent fund where special operations guys can rehab next to professional athletes. My buddy was going through this program and one doctor he was working with, Dr. David LeMay, was looking to hire a PA. So that was the start.

Lifestyle and Performance Medicine is a concierge-based functional medicine practice. So functional medicine — we look at all the different problems going on; instead of just looking at a symptom, we try to find the root cause. I liked orthopaedic surgery, trauma surgery, that hands-on experience, but with functional medicine I like the system-based thinking and working with a patient to achieve their goals.

Most of my patients are healthy — they feel good, but they want to feel great, so we look at lifestyle, getting them off medications, everything we can do to achieve that goal. We have professional sports teams we work with, military units, SEAL units, and many private clients. We’re also involved in working to change treatment protocols for addressing older operators that have hormone issues, thyroid issues, and related issues.

Get to the Target: Kevin Lacz on Motivation and Teamwork published first on https://storeseapharmacy.tumblr.com

[oovitus]

Get to the Target: Kevin Lacz on Motivation and Teamwork

A former U.S. Navy SEAL who served with one of the most decorated units of the Iraq war. Advisor and co-star in the Oscar-winning film, American Sniper. Author of the bestselling memoir The Last Punisher. Co-founder of Lifestyle and Performance Medicine and the Hunting for Healing charity for veterans. Successful motivational speaker and consultant.

No one would question Kevin Lacz’s ability to get to his target.

And yet, when asked what motivates him, he explains that it was a sense of academic failure during his first year in college that helped set him on his current path.

“I had to taste what it’s like to fail in order to tap into what drives me to succeed,” he says. The 9/11 terrorist attacks inspired him to leave college and enlist in the U.S. Navy, where he completed Basic Underwater Demolition SEAL training and found a home on SEAL Team THREE.

“I hate failing, so why not see how good I am at the highest level? For me, it was getting to that point where I realized I didn’t want to fail anymore, so I’m going to join the military, and the SEAL Teams, which is the most competitive environment possible.”

After an inspiring presentation and book-signing for Highmark health plan employees, Lacz generously took time for an interview initiated by Lynn Seay, Highmark Health vice president, external communications and public relations.

Lynn Seay (LS): Thank you for an excellent presentation — so many things resonated. Our organization has been going through a huge transformation. People are encouraged to think outside the box, but one challenge is getting broader buy-in. Any thoughts on how to motivate people, when you’re willing to make a change yourself, but as a leader now you have to get other people to do something differently that may be uncomfortable for them?

Kevin Lacz, former U.S. Navy SEAL, author of the bestselling memoir The Last Punisher; co-star of American Sniper; certified Physician Assistant and co-founder of Lifestyle and Performance Medicine.

Kevin Lacz (KL): To succeed and win, you have to take some sort of risk. My old platoon chief used to say, “If everybody likes you, you’re doing something wrong.”

If you think about the bell curve, there will always be people on the fringe that you’re not going to reach. That’s part of growth — it can be painful at times for everybody involved, but you have to make necessary changes, and people not willing to get on board need to understand that this is the direction we’re going. Either they’ll jump onto the big win or they’re left behind in the dust.

With personal motivation, the question is what experiences and environments can you put yourself into that really tap your full potential? You can be on that path of least resistance all day long, but if you want to be dynamic and successful, you have to get outside that path and challenge yourself. For me, going to the Teams was that kind of change. I liked every morning getting up and knowing that I had to perform at the highest level.

Don Bertschman (DB): In your presentation, the approach to teamwork was centered on the individual — owning your space, understanding your influence — but you also emphasized the bowed head of the eagle in the SEAL trident, which is about the value of humility. Could you talk more about finding the balance between high-performing individualism and what a team may need?

KL: You have to be comfortable as an individual to be successful on a team. I think if there’s any insecurity on board, that makes you more of a liability than a helpful part of the team. With the SEAL teams, when you put people through a rigorous training where everybody fails at some point, people learn how to be humble. It kind of hedges that Alpha personality.

On the Teams, when we would do operations and training, we would have the first and second in charge leading, but then we’d mix it up, and the last guy would have to lead the operation. Anyone can sit in the peanut gallery and make comments — knowing that you could be tapped to step up and lead at a moment’s notice puts a check on that. On the collaborative side, having everybody be part of the planning process is also important. If you’re assaulting a target, and you’ve been doing it one way, it’s good to have someone look at a plan with fresh eyes and say, wait, what about this way? This approach to mission planning helped balance out the strong personalities while bringing everyone’s different strengths to the table.

DB: What about clarity of mission? Some veterans have told me that can be a transition challenge — going from a military environment with a clear mission and clearly defined roles, into corporate situations where sometimes there is less clarity because of more people defining or redefining a mission from their own perspective.

KL: That’s a good observation, but I think it is oversimplifying to say there’s a military way that is very linear and then the civilian side is different. Yes, in the military I have a target, and it’s a capture or kill mission, and that’s pretty clear. But there is an old saying from a German general that no battle plan survives first contact with an enemy. Although you plan and plan, you still have to be ready to read and react and change.

Same thing in the business world. You set your budget and plan everything for the year ahead, but things change in your industry, priorities shift, what you predicted doesn’t happen — so again, the battle plan doesn’t survive first contact with the enemy.

In any setting, you have to look at your targets. In a SEAL mission, I might have a one-meter, three-meter, and 10-meter target, and I’m going to address what’s in front of me first, and then move on to the next one. Targets are different on the civilian side — instead of hunting bad guys, we’re making sales or growing business or improving a process, but we have to adapt and do what we have to do to get to the target.

DB: In our Veterans Voices series, veterans share insights on a range of topics, including the transition experience — not just challenges, but also how military experience has been valuable in their work. That’s also a focus of our V.E.T.S. business resource group — helping veterans, and leaders across the organization, to fully appreciate that value. Do you have any advice around hiring veterans and working through that initial transition period?

KL: First, there’s a belief sometimes that every veteran who’s seen combat has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and that’s just not the case. Estimates vary, but one study of 60,000 Iraq and Afghanistan veterans said 15.7 percent screened positive for PTSD. Experiences change individuals. You could see a traumatic highway accident and that could change you. But I don’t think every experience like that is negative. I’ve had friends killed in combat. You accept that as an inherent danger of being a Team guy. But it can also be empowering to realize that there are people who are willing to put everything on the line. I think with veterans you have to see where those military experiences, good and bad, strengthen you and make you a more complete individual.

What all branches of the military have in common is that they send you through training that includes teaching you to be on time, have your appearance reflect your attitude, and work well with others. Sometimes it’s just the basics — that can shift the climate in a business when you don’t compromise on something as basic as being on time, or the mutual respect of listening. Admiral McRaven talks about making your bed every morning — start each day with a victory. When you forget the basics it can parlay into longer-term failures potentially.

As a veteran, another thing is yes, be proud of your service, it helps you where you’re going, but don’t let it become a crutch you fall back on, where you are unwilling to change. You have to assimilate back to the civilian side.

DB: Could you talk about your civilian work as a certified Physician Assistant (PA) and how you co-founded Lifestyle and Performance Medicine?

KL: Sure. I was finishing my Master of Medical Science degree at Wake Forest and looking at PA jobs. I had a buddy going through what was then called Athlete’s Performance, now EXOS. This was a physical therapy and rehab institute that has an NFL Players Association contract. They teamed up with the Andrews Institute, and they have a benevolent fund where special operations guys can rehab next to professional athletes. My buddy was going through this program and one doctor he was working with, Dr. David LeMay, was looking to hire a PA. So that was the start.

Lifestyle and Performance Medicine is a concierge-based functional medicine practice. So functional medicine — we look at all the different problems going on; instead of just looking at a symptom, we try to find the root cause. I liked orthopaedic surgery, trauma surgery, that hands-on experience, but with functional medicine I like the system-based thinking and working with a patient to achieve their goals.

Most of my patients are healthy — they feel good, but they want to feel great, so we look at lifestyle, getting them off medications, everything we can do to achieve that goal. We have professional sports teams we work with, military units, SEAL units, and many private clients. We’re also involved in working to change treatment protocols for addressing older operators that have hormone issues, thyroid issues, and related issues.

Get to the Target: Kevin Lacz on Motivation and Teamwork published first on https://storeseapharmacy.tumblr.com