#if i could get past my fear of fictionally dying i could accomplish so many things

[dundeelemonade]

cause like there’s something screwy with my brain or whatever that makes dying in a game scary, to the point that i can’t even proceed far enough in botw to figure out how to handle my first guardian, and i have a long list of games that i own and haven’t played more than an hour of because i just really don’t like dying! and i just want to know how get over that hurdle.

[olderjustneverwiser]

I Burn for You, You Burn for Me (Steve Harrington)

Fictional boyfriends come and go, and I guess now it's Stevie's turn. Based off of Dermot Kennedy's new song Kiss Me, which is a phenomenal song, and everyone should go and listen to it.

Masterlist

Set after S4 Vol 1. Friends to lovers with a hefty dash of angst and hurt/comfort. Has this been done with Steve yet? Probably, but do I care? Not really because I love this fucking trope and no one will ever stop me from writing it.

Word count: 2.5K

Also, when did I start putting song lyrics at the beginning of every fic? Idk, it's who I am now I guess.

Enjoy!

-

Let this night invade my lungs, you're all I want to breathe Right beside the lake, I burn for you, you burn for me

So kiss me the way that you would If we died tonight

The ride home from the lake was quiet.

Too many exhausted bodies in the car and horrors replaying in the minds of you and your friends. No one wanted to speak, and it's not like Steve needed directions for where to drop everyone off anyway. The only words spoken were quiet goodbyes once he got to each house, the scared, tired voices of your friends breaking the silence at Nancy's house, then Robin's. 

You had barely managed small hums of acknowledgement with each goodbye. The night had left you feeling broken, tears had threatened to fall since landing in the Upside Down and you feared that anything more would allow the floodgates to open. So, you stayed silent, tried to focus and keep your breathing regulated. Tried not to think about the pain from your inguries or the gash on Steve's stomach.

Steve drove right past your street and continued the drive on his own without even having to ask, he already knew where you wanted to go. His place was calm and empty; free of concerned parents asking too many questions neither of you could answer. You also really just wanted to be with Steve at this moment. He had always been your best friend, your safety net. Had been ever since you were both young and ignorant about what was going on underneath your town. Although he had been something more to you for quite some time now. 

He didn't have to know that, though. He never said anything to make you think he thought of you as anything more, so you’d be damned if you’d be the one to bring it up and risk everything. You would just keep that little secret all to yourself even if it killed you.

You could feel his gaze on you as he pulled into his driveway. He was worried about you, that much was obvious. You had barely spoken a word since finding him under the water. Apart from screams of pain and a babbled, repeated mantra of "You're okay, you're okay" whispered into Steve's hair as you held him, you had been silent. Thinking. Replaying the awful scene in your head. 

Steve flicked on the foyer light once you were both inside and the sudden brightness made you squint. The iridescent bulbs seemed too bright compared to the darkness you all had been shrouded in for hours. They stung your eyes, and you resented how they illuminated Steve's injuries. You were unable to ignore them in this harsh light or pretend that they didn’t exist. There were too many bite marks from those fucking creatures; too much dried blood and muck. 

You turned your gaze away from him, but all that managed to accomplish was replace the current state of him with what you found in the Upside Down. You could still hear the sound the bats made as they clawed at his skin, still see them taking chunks out of him. Even worse, you could still feel the way your stomach sank as you saw him writhing, damn near dying in front of you.

Steve must have sensed your discomfort because he was at your side in an instant, wrapping strong arms around you and repeating your words from earlier in the night.

"It's alright, it's over for now," he said softly into your hair. “Hey, let’s go get washed up. It’ll make us feel better, yeah?” Even though all you wanted was to crash in his bed or into him, you were too tired to argue, so you agreed. The two of you went through the motions in silence, taking the stairs hand in hand, gathering towels and shampoo. Steve knew you didn't want to be alone so he gave your hand a final squeeze as he led you to his parent's bathroom, promising he'd be as quick as he could as he turned to go to his room. 

Once in the bright bathroom, you turned the heat up on the water, shedding your filthy clothes and slowly standing under the hot spray, watching as swirls the color of rust flowed down the drain. The water scalded your skin and irritated your wounds but you scrubbed anyway, anything to get the feeling of that place off of your body. Your dirty fingernails scratched your scalp and you wished the memories of this awful night could be washed away as easily as the grime leaving your body. 

They couldn't, and you knew that. It wasn't going to stop you from trying, though. 

The truth was, the mental scars from the night would last far longer than the bite marks and rope burns that littered your arms, you face, your thigh. Steve being dragged under the water and his screams of anguish as those things bit at him were imprinted in your mind. Not to mention the sight of him being mauled in the Upside Down; the sight of what you thought was your best friend dying in front of you was sure to stay in the forefront of your mind. It was all you thought about in the car ride, all you could think about now in the hot steam of the shower.

Steve was here, and he was alive, but the feelings of despair and hopelessness still remained. 

A loud knock on the bathroom door tore you out of your thoughts, no doubt Steve seeing if you were okay. You flicked the tap off, only to let Steve know that he didn't have any reason to worry.

Well, any more reason than he would normally have after a night like this.

"Hey, I left some clean clothes for you on the counter." Steve's voice broke through the silence that followed, "We should probably clean our cuts, too. No tellin' what those fuckers infected us with."

Your voice was scratchy as you yelled out an 'okay' and as you left the shower in reach of the clean clothes, you caught your reflection. It made you stop; you looked so much older than you actually were and you were sure that tonight's events didn't help your appearance. Not only did you look older but you felt older, in both your body and in your mind. Your group of friends had all gone through a lot; too much for your age, and it showed. 

You shrugged the clothes on as quickly as your tired body would allow, knowing they were Steve's and that they'd bring you some semblance of peace. Just simple shorts and an old Hawkins High tee, but they smelled like his mom's laundry detergent and his cologne and shampoo.

They smelled like Steve, a safe place. 

"You can come in, Steve," you called out while searching in his mother's bathroom closet for first aid supplies. When you finally found them Steve stepped into the bathroom, and the sight of him made you gasp. Dirt and blood no longer covered his injuries and his clean skin allowed them all to show on his skin. Angry pink and red bite marks on his arms, his chest. The awful mark on his neck from when he was choking. They made you sick.

If Steve noticed your staring he didn't say anything about it. He was too busy staring right back at you, guilt bubbling up in his chest because you were hurt because of him. Shaking his head after a beat, seemingly shaking the thoughts out of his mind, he grabbed the peroxide and cotton balls from you.

"Hop up on the counter, let's clean those bites," he ordered, voice low but soft.

"Steve, look at you. You need this way more than I do-"

"You really gonna argue with me on this? You're getting looked at first, Sweetness." You knew it was fruitless to argue with him when he was in his caretaker mode, so you did as he asked, your bones aching as you maneuvered yourself onto the vanity. This height gave you the perfect view of his face, his deep brown eyes. He was close, and you could smell mint toothpaste on his breath.

The closeness between you also allowed you to really study him as you had found yourself doing more and more lately. If you thought you had changed in the past few years, it was nothing compared to how Steve carried himself or treated those around him.

He was no longer 'King' Steve Harrington, resident asshole of Hawkins High. Somewhere between minimum wage jobs and losing fist fights and battling literal monsters, Steve had grown into a man. Sure, he was still Steve deep down, but he was once again the Steve you knew before he cared about popularity and his daddy's money. He cared about his friends more than how many notches he could get on his belt. Doing things by himself and for others was more important than skating by on his good looks and charisma. He was the Steve you fell for when you were both thirteen, before his shoulders got broader, his hair got better and he had his first kiss behind the school gym. 

His expression was unreadable as his gaze fell from bite to bite on your face and arms. It was one you had seen him wear often around you but you could never figure out what he was thinking when he wore it. Sometimes it looked a lot like yearning; you were sure it mirrored the looks you saved for him, but you tried not to think about that too often. Thinking about it would only hurt your heart. 

But before you could allow your mind to go there, he blinked whatever thoughts away and prepped some cotton balls for you. 

"This is gonna sting," he whispered apologetically right before pressing it to your temple. The pain was instantaneous; a sharp sting that you felt right down to your bones and it made you hiss, your body tense. Steve grimaced as he moved from bite to bite, whispering apologies after every one and promised he’d be finished soon. His free hand flew to your knee to ground you, the warmth it offered spread throughout your tired body. It really wasn’t fair, this effect he’d always had on you. 

"You really shouldn't have jumped in after me, y'know." He didn't sound angry as he tossed the used cotton into the trash, more like annoyed, worried. Scared and relieved all at the same time.

You still rolled your eyes, you’d expected this. "It's not like any one of us would have let you just stay under without going after you."

"It's just, you shouldn't have even been in the boat. I told you to stay behind with the kids."

"You really think I wasn't going to go with you?" 

"You shouldn't have come with me," Steve sighed, rubbing at his face with his free hand. "All I'm saying is when you're there, keeping you safe is all I can think about. You scared the piss outta me tonight, I didn't think we were gonna make it out of that place. I just didn't want you to have to go through that again. Not ‘cause of me"

He had that look again; an almost pained expression as his eyes bore into yours and his grip on your knee tightened. The more you returned his gaze the harder you tried to decipher the way he was looking at you and the way he always looked at you. 

In that moment, it felt a lot like the way you looked at him. It felt a lot like love.

A small part of your brain urged you to stop and think about your next words, but you were just so tired from the events of the night and tired of pretending that you weren't in love with your best friend. Tired of the 'what ifs' and 'will we evers'.

"Steve, you know what I was thinking after you got dragged under the water?" He kept silent, awaiting your answer. "All I could think about was that you were alone, and scared, and I thought you were dying. What would I have done if that was the final time I'd ever get to see you? I didn't even have to think about following you." 

You took a breath before continuing, "I just did it because you're my best friend and I love you. I jumped in and fought next to you because I love you. I don't know when my feelings turned into something more, and I tried to deny them for so long, but I just can't." You finished, quickly before your nerves caught up to you. 

He stayed silent for a second, shock and surprise enveloping his features. Apart from that he was impossible to read and for those first few seconds you waited with bated breath, worried that you'd just fucked everything up. But then his hands flew to your face, cupping your jaw in a way that was way too loving to be platonic.

"You love me?" He breathed out, searching your face for any hint of trickery he could see. Of course, he found none. All he managed to find was flushed cheeks, wide, hopeful eyes and love. And you had never seen him look so relieved, so content.

All you could offer him was a nod. You felt frozen; still terrified because Steve was your best friend and even though you had fought monsters together just hours prior, this is what scared you the most. The uncertainty, the fear that you'd learn he didn't love you in that way, that you would lose him because of this. But suddenly he was closing the gap between you, the smell of mint and his shampoo enveloping you and then Steve slowly, teasingly, pressed his lips to yours. 

It was a desperate kiss, an, 'Oh God we almost missed out on this' sort of kiss that made your toes curl and your heart swell in your chest. Steve pulled away, pressing one, two, three more quick pecks to your lips before resting his forehead against yours. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," he sighed, smile wide, looking as though you'd just given him the fucking world. 

He kissed you again, then again, until you were both breathless and smiling more than kissing because you were both so full of love for eachother. In those few moments of bliss, the two of you didn’t think about the other world under your town or what was to come, only what was right in front of you. 

The world didn't seem so dark and scary then. 

"And in case it wasn't obvious, I'm in love with you, too."

[fireemblems24]

Post Grondor Field AM Analysis

I'm prefacing this by saying that I'm still not sure I can write a good analysis of this scene for two reasons:

1. I don't know what comes after, and

2. I'm very emotionally involved in what happened.

But I tried my best. One thing is for sure though, what happened in Grondor in AM was an incredibly significant turning point for AM and Dimitri and my thoughts and analysis on it will definitely expand as I keep writing about and playing the game.

Part of me is just so happy I got to see Dimitri's supports, have the inevitable turn around, and get to do things like tea and dinner time again that it's hard to be objective about this scene.

And by "this scene," I don't mean that actual fight at Grondor, but everything from Fleche's attack to Byleth's words in the rain later.

It wasn't all about Byleth . . .

Given how poignant Dimitri's character arc has been so far, I had a deep rooted fear player-pandering would ruin it. Byleth, as a concept, isn't bad, but too often the heaps of praise feel underserved and other things (like Claude's intelligence, Edelgard's relationships with everyone else) get ignored to make more room for player-pandering.

Thankfully this did not happen. Byleth, throughout the early chapters of AM's part 2, failed to reach Dimitri. And, honestly, seeing Byleth actually struggle for once has done wonders for how I view her character. Still, I worried that player-pandering-power, rather than something that felt earned, would cause the inevitable eye-opener for Dimitri.

But it wasn't just Byleth. Fleche's vengeance kicked everything off, what veered Dimitri away from his fate in other routes. He accepted his death at her hands, not bothering to defend himself. Rodrigue stepping in the way and his parting words forced Dimitri to confront things he'd ignored. Throughout AM so far, people have posed questions to Dimitri who refused to answer them because he didn't want to face what they asked. But Rodrigue dying for him, spending his final words telling Dimitri to live for himself - combined with Fleche's attack - forced Dimitri to confront things he avoided. It wasn't until after all of that when Byleth steps in.

And Byleth didn't "fix" him either. Dimitri's supports show a young man who's still very much struggling with his mental health, poor self-image, his previous actions, and wondering if he deserves not only to live for himself - but if he even deserves to live. Byleth didn't hand-wave Dimitri's problems away.

Everything about the scene is stronger because it didn't fall back on player-pandering, but more earned, realistic, and dramatic actions and consequences - including Byleth's involvement which felt far more earned than usual because of prior failure.

But I wish Dimitri's friends played a bigger role.

Not everything was perfect though. I wish we got a little more than we did from Dimitri's house mates - especially his childhood friends Sylvain, Ingrid, and extra special mention to Felix and especially, especially Dedue.

Throughout all of AM, none of the above mentioned characters feel utilized to their full potential. This isn't a problem exclusive to AM, and by all means it's far from the biggest offender, but given how close all the ties are in AM, it's felt when it's not there.

I still don't know what exactly I would've done with them. Maybe I'd need to make the game an actual novel to do it, and you can't forget how perma-death has historically held back games at times, limiting major moments to a select few "retreat" candidates.

Still, though, getting a bit more from Ingrid, Sylvain, Felix, and Dedue would've made the scene even more powerful.

I actually really liked the scene in the rain.

I haven't made it a secret that I dislike Byleth. Or maybe disliked is more accurate. Lately I've been rethinking my stance on Byleth, in part because I've heard from people who like her or found ways to make her work and from my own thinking about the game while planning future write ups.

I don't think it's Byleth I really dislike, but the player-pandering. Separating the two isn't easy, but it's easier since I've starting coming around to seeing Byleth as her own character.

There's been a few moments that made me care for Byleth, and this scene in the rain was one of them. Because she didn't just fix everything. She tried and failed for months to reason with Dimitri, and despite everything she never gave up on him or failed to keep offering her hand.

I'm not going to lie. I got all the bubbly, heartwarming, heartbreaking feels the writers wanted me to in this scene. Seeing Byleth reach for something and fail, and then finally, finally get through was rewarding in a way many of Byleth's prior accomplishments aren't because this one felt earned. And by God did she earn it.

Some people will likely disagree with that last point, but I disagree with them. She asked Dimitri hard-hitting questions, forcing him to come to unpleasant conclusions rather than trying to force him into anything. She kept Dimitri from veering to far off course, even at expense to herself when she killed Randolph. She saved Dimitri from Fleche when he refused to save himself. She quietly supported him, coaxing out the good she knew was still there and refused to give up on.

I'd never in a million years say someone in real life should put up with Dimitri's toxic behavior and verbal abuse, even considering his extreme trauma and aggravated mental illness. But seeing someone fuck up so badly still get forgiven, still get supported, still struggle but honestly change for the good, still get loved, start to accept and forgive himself through the power of love and forgiveness from others is very powerful, especially since media so often downplays those "softer" things as weakness in comparison to the "badassery" of ambition and stoicism. Using Byleth, who previously had little experience with feelings, who was encouraged to experience them in healthy ways by Dimitri, return the favor isn't really the worst choice.

It's cliche, but cliches aren't always bad.

The mentor dies. Redemption in the rain. Revenge against the protagonist's actions opens their eyes. Etc . . . This scene was chuck full of cliches, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Tropes serve an important narrative purpose because a writer can rely on them to convey a message to the audience that either saves time or sets them up for something unexpected or even expected. Fire Emblem has always and will always be incredibly cliche and full of tropes. It loves tropes so much there's in-universe ones that make some unit or character discussions sound like a foreign language to people outside of or new to the fandom, talking about "Ests" and calling someone a "Camus."

What matters is if a story pulled something off well, not if it's terribly unique. A mentor dying is powerful because it forces the student to grow. Redemption in the rain is high symbolic of water washing things away + the somber atmosphere rain creates. Someone trying to get revenge against a character provides an eye-opening experience about the ripple effect of their actions. We see these things in fiction all the time because they work.

All the tropes worked like expected in this scene. Using images instead of cut scenes did make less of an impact, but more on that later.

Tl;dr: There's nothing unexpected or terribly unique about what happened. It was honestly painfully predictable, but that doesn't make it bad and is in a series that does this all of the time.

The voice acting carried because those images can't.

A major downside to this scene is that it used vague images instead of a cut scene. I get that budget and time were likely concerns, but many cut scenes from earlier in the game seem rather trivial. Did we really need that dance one? Really? I don't think so.

This was a hugely important, action heavy moment. Using one or two still images to convey everything that's happening and all those emotions, really makes it less than it could've been.

That said, the voice acting saves it. I've raved about how amazing Chris Hackeny is as Dimitri, so nothing new here. Rodrigue's and Fleche's VAs also did a fantastic job. No one oversold or undersold the emotions. Even without the cut scene, you felt what happened thanks to the skill of the actors. This scene would've been so much harder to engage with without them, if this was an older FE game where all you got was text. This is 100% one of the moments highly elevated by the decision to have a fully voiced game and choosing high caliber talent (let's not talk about Radiant Dawn's voice acting).

Questionable support timing.

One issue I had came right after the scene when I viewed Dimitri's supports. The nature of some - like his with Raphael and Alois - didn't quite line up with the character I saw in dialogue right after. I wish they staggered them a bit more or got picker about what you could get in part 1 or 2.

This isn't limited to Dimitri either. In the same support batch, I also got a Marianne B support where she still had no confidence or self-worth. And then like 10 minutes later I talk to her in the monastery and she mentions about how seeing all the death in Grondor made her value her life even more.

In the past, I've also received entirely valid opinions that Dorothea in part 2 is hard to understand because she's cherry and flirty in her supports, and morose and hates the war in her monastery stuff, making her seem inconsistent.

It's a bit jarring. It's not really an issue for characters who don't change much like Edelgard or Raphael, but even for characters with more subtle differences than Dimitri, Marianne, and Dorothea - like, say, Lorenz - you get a lot of weird stuff because of supports. I just think Dimitri's stands out because he's a main character with a really prominent, important turning point for his growth.

[nagito-kissmaeda]

A Lapse in Judgement - Part 4

CHAPTER ONE: A Dangrous Present CHAPTER TWO: A Past Forgotten CHAPTER THREE: A Foreshadowing CHAPTER FOUR: One Possible Conclusion CHAPTER FIVE: Untethered

Komaeda Nagito x Ultimate Empath!Reader

Summary: Deep down you always knew that it would end this way. Contains: she/her pronouns, emotional torture, canon major character death, suicide ment Read on AO3

You should have seen it coming. Komaeda was weirdly distant after you escaped the funhouse, alone in his room and not answering even when you pleaded for him to open the door. You should have seen the signs, you should have kicked the door down. There were so many things you should have done, but did not.  It made sense that someone would finally take the initiative and get rid of him after the bomb threat, you might even have forgiven them if it had been a gun to the head or a knife to the heart. 

You cup his face in your hands, staring hopelessly into a set of eyes with nothing behind them. Praying that if you look for long enough you will feel something, anything to prove that he is still in there somewhere. Your throat is dry and raw from a constant string of screams and sobs that you can't even hear. 

“Hey, c’mon. You have to get up.” Hinata says, reaching out and resting a hand on your shoulder.

You whirl around and the pity living behind the eyes of six different people slams into you. It only makes you angrier, “I am not leaving him.” you suck a breath in through your teeth, hot tears pouring down your face, “One of you did this .” you gesture to the empty vessel that had once held the soul of the man you loved, “Someone tortured him. You know perfectly well that he wouldn’t have resisted if someone tried to kill him. They didn't have to do this, they could have just stabbed him and been done with it, but no . The mother fucker tortured him.” you turn back to the body and brush some of the bloody hair away from his forehead, “You can do your worthless little investigation around me, but I am not moving.”

Your hear Hinata sigh behind you and suggest that everyone start investigating elsewhere for now. Sonia mutters some words of apology in your direction, but you ignore her and listen as only five sets of shoes leave the warehouse. Your fingers cart shakily through Komaeda’s hair and you ask, “Why are you still here?” 

Kuzuryu rounds the body and drops into a crouch on the other side. He doesn't say anything, he just stares at you. Behind his eyes you can feel more than just pity, it’s deeper, more complex. Empathy, guilt, understanding . 

“You know what i'm trying to say right?” He huffs, “I don't really understand how your weird-ass talent works, but you felt that. Didn’t you?”

“Oh.” You whisper, heart tensing with a sudden realisation, “Pekoyama.”

He turns away from you, a silent indication that these emotions were for him and him alone, “Yeah.” he says. 

You sniffle, trying to stop yourself from crying again while gently stroking Komaeda’s cheekbone with your thumb, “He was scared of dying alone.”

Kuzuryu doesn't say anything, but he also makes no move to leave.

“I know i probably couldn't have stopped it but, i wish i could have been there. I wish he could have seen me. I just hate…” your breathing is raggard, it’s hard to speak, “I know he did some fucked up shit, i know! But I loved him, I did and I don't even really know why. It’s just, it's...just-” your hands are looping around on eachother, circular, as you try to explain feelings that don't make sense, “-it’s like we’ve been here before. Like I love him because I already loved him, and will love him again and again and again ad infinitum.” You’re sobbing now, Kuzurya reaches across Komaeda’s corpse and rests a hand on your shoulder. A noise more like a shriek than a sob rips through you and your hands tangle in your hair, “I feel like i'm going crazy…” you whisper.  

“It’s grief.” He replies, “One day, we’ll both get over it.”

*

The trial is arduous. You were not around for much of the investigation, but that didn't matter to Monokuma, he dragged you kicking and screaming into the elevator and over to your podium. Everyone keeps looking at you, at the way your hair is frazzled from your grasping fingers and the barely dried tear tracks running down your cheeks. You can tell that Souda especially is just waiting for you to snap, like Komaeda once did. 

Your fingers are gripped white around the front of your podium, eyes locked only on the photograph across the room. Your mouth curls at the irony, that even he is staring at you. Judging you . 

Hinata is leading the discussion as usual, but there is a moment of silence every now and again. Like he is waiting for input from someone who cannot speak. A bottomless void, a lapse in more than just conversation. Hinata clenches his fist tight. 

You aren’t paying much attention, your talent has been acting up. You’ve been feeling things that aren’t even there, from a past life? From someone else’s? Nervous shaky hands cupping your cheeks, one hand and one glove slowly lifting the hem of your shirt. Lips that taste like summer and lips that taste like desperation. You can’t remember anything tangible, but god can you feel . Two sets of hands, two pairs of lips. Completely differently but irrecoverably similar. You feel like throwing up. 

“What do you think?” Hinata asks and you are ripped back to the present.

“Huh?” 

His brow is pulled tight, but his eyes are apologising to you and begging you to stay calm, “Would Komaeda commit suicide?” 

“I….WHAT? No!” You can’t believe it, you can’t believe the shit Hinata is trying to pull, “did you see the body? You think he did that to himself?!” 

Nanami turns to you. Giving you a gentle smile, “It’s okay.” She says, “we’re just working through it, but we need your help.” you’re shaking with a barely contained mania, teeth grinding and tears building in your eyes. Nanami just keeps smiling, and she means it. You can feel her fear, but even more than that, you can feel how deeply she cares for you. For all of you, “You knew him the best, didn’t you? Do you think he would do it?”

You feel calmer. Taking in a deep breath through your nose, “Not without a reason. He would never kill himself just for the sake of dying, he’s smart. He was trying to accomplish something.”

Nanami nods and rests a hand over her heart, “thank you. Considering what we found in his cabin, along with your testimony, I think it was more than just a suicide.”

What they found in the cabin was poison. Taken from the final dead room. You are dimly aware that it was probably in his pocket while he was fucking you, you turn your eyes to the ground. 

“We also found...one other thing.” Hinata mutters, he pulls an envelope out from his pocket and passes it over to you. Everyone is leaning in, trying to get a glimpse at what it is, “It was on the bookshelf, it’s addressed to you.”

Your hands are shaking as you grip the paper. You reach out and trace the lines of your name written in his messy handwriting. The envelope is still sealed.The trial continues. 

The reveal of the poison reveals a motive. Komaeda was trying to take the traitor down with him, the poison hidden in plain sight and his luck rolled the dice. Hinata runs through everything, piece by piece but there is no way to know who did it. No way to know who the traitor is. Unless of course, they come forward.

Nanami’s smile is heartbreaking. Hinata’s jaw is clenched tight when he realises the truth, whispering her name so gently so sweetly, like he is begging her to tell him that it’s all just a lie.  

You have a feeling though, twisting and turning in your stomach as Nanami begs for your votes. You try and ignore it to just vote for the traitor that Komaeda had wanted to kill, but the longer you waited the more the thought festered inside you. your fingers are still curled tightly around the envelope you don’t want to open, and his fingers are skill curled around your heart.

“Wait!” The word escapes from your mouth like a thunderclap, everyone’s eyes turn to you, “Please don't vote yet.”

Nanami tilts her head, a sweet smile on her lips that doesn't match the sorrow in her eyes “It’s okay. I need to go.”

You feel a tear spill over and run slowly down your cheek. Your hands are shaking, “Nanami. You don't .”

Souda groans, “I thought we were done! Why do you guys keep doing this?”

“Yeah.” Hinata says turning to you, “What is it? What happened?”

Your mouth opens and closes as you struggle to find the words. The room is closing around you and it feels like there is a vice affixed to your lungs, “What if he didn't want to kill the traitor. What if he wanted to kill everyone else?” 

“WHAT?” Souda screams, and the room fills with noise. Everyone is arguing and talking over each other, but you don't even hear it. Your fingers are shaking as you flip the envelope over, running your nail under the seam delicately, wanting to make sure it doesn't tear. (you don’t notice, but Monokuma is leaning forward with a grin on his face). It pops open and you reach inside. It isn't really a letter, it’s little more than a few worlds scrawled onto a notecard, but it changes to course of the trial all the same.

My life for yours

I love you

You clap a hand over your mouth and a sob rips through you. Tears rolling down your cheeks in rivlets as your body shakes, you collapse forward onto the podium. Your legs have given out. It was you . That moment in the funhouse, when his smile softed and his eyes turned bright, he thought the traitor was you . Because you took the time to love him, whatever sin he believed the rest of your cohort committed he thought you absolved. Innocent. You weren’t . He died for you and you weren't even the person he wanted to save. Did you even deserve to live now? Knowing it was a fictional version of yourself that he died for and not your true self? You knew the answer, and it made your next move just a little easier. 

You swallow, using your arms to push yourself back up. Breathing as deeply and evenly as you can, you force yourself to smile, “I killed him.” the words feel disgusting on your tongue, but they are true all the same, “It was me.” all the eyes in the room turn to you and you can feel them all, the confusion, the hatred, the sadness, it fills you up until you are bubbling over, crying and laughing all at once, “he thought i was the traitor. The grenade with the poison, I threw it. Nanami is innocent.” You pass the note back to Hinata, and his face pales when he reads it.

“But I thought…” Sonia starts, watching the realisation dawn on Hinata’s face, “I thought Nanami was the traitor.” 

“She is.” You say, “But...I was kind to him.” You turn to Hinata again, it’s hard to see him through your watery eyes, “Will you convince them for me?”

Hinata’s face is grave, but he nods.

*

There is little time for goodbyes. Just before Monokuma pulls you away, Nanami grabs you by the hand and smiles.

“They told me to keep an eye on the two of you.” She says, “What happens twice will always happen a third time.

”“What do you mean?”

A tear cascades down her cheek, you notice it glitters eerily in a way real tears never would, “love transcends memory.”

“Wait- Nanami what-” 

“ALL RIGHT! TIMES UP!” Monokuma yells, “And I have the perfect punishment ready for the Ultimate Empath.”

You grab Nanami’s hand tighter, desperation racing up your spine, “Nanami, what happened two times? You have to tell me please-”

A metal collar snaps around your throat and you’re tugged backwards, feet scrambling against the ground as it races under you. Your reach out a hand, Nanami’s name screeching from your lips but the familiar figures of your classmates grow smaller and smaller as you disappear down a hallway and into the darkness. Something slams you down in a small wooden chair, the room is pitch black and you can't see a single thing. 

You try to struggle and a set of metal shackles clamp around your wrists and ankles. It’s quiet. You can hear the sound of your rapid heartbeat and the whirring of machinery. You’re going to die. A sob catches in your throat and you squeeze your eyes shut to keep the tears from spilling over. Then, a flash of light behind your eyelids, and something (or someone) comes up from behind you, forcing your eyes open.

 “No…” you whimper, struggling against your restraints with a new determination. The metal bites into your skin and you writhe and shake, your heart is pounding and you can't breathe , “NO! Don't make me look. Don't. PLEASE!��� 

Whatever they are using to keep your eyes open does not relent. You are sobbing and begging and pleading, but they make you watch.

Komaeda is sticking the duct tape over his mouth. He lifts up the knife, and the determination in his eyes morphs into fear. His hand shakes, and he drives the knife into his thigh. You scream, trying so hard to escape that the chair is creaking and groaning under you. He stabs again and again and again. Knife down the arm, knife through the palm. You feel it all. Slamming your head backwards into the back of the chair, bitterly hoping that you’ll crack your skull open like an egg. You want to die. 

He is just lying there now. All alone. Staring up at the spear where it dangles above him. It hurts, it hurts so much. He is all alone, you left him to die all alone. You’re like a rabid animal, twisting and turning in the chair, unhinged and terrified. He is still just lying there . You can’t stop crying, your chest is hurting from the way your breath heaves and from the shrieks that won't stop leaving your throat. Then, a door opens. Now that you know to listen for it, you recognise the sound of monokuma panels toppling over, and the woosh as the curtain catches alight. The determination in his eyes is back, but then…

“Oh god! Is he back there?” That was your voice, “We need to put out this fire, if he’s back there he's going to die!”

Komaeda laughs behind the tape. Eyes softening. He loves you loves you loves you. He’s going to miss you. 

You aren't making any noise anymore, your mouth is hung open in a silent scream as you feel your heart beating in tandem with his, “I love you…too” you whisper, your voice shattered and wheezy.

His eyes open wider and for a moment you think he heard you, but then you realise what he heard was the sound of the fire grenades shattering. For the first time, during this whole ordeal, he feels regret. Just before the poison reaches him, he changes his mind, maybe he doesn't want to die. It kills you. Your very being is twisting and warping, your heart catches on a hook and is reeled back into shore, the tears running down your face begin to boil and steam. You watch him as he starts to writhe, screaming inaudibly behind the tape, struggling against his restraints as the poison enters his system....and you feel it.

Finality, relief, and a bittersweet goodbye. 

His eyes glaze over, and your soul rips in half.

But then, the joke is on Monokuma, because whatever he does to you, however he deals the final blow. It doesn't matter. You are no longer there. You’re in a classroom a million miles away, sitting on the windowsill with the boy you are in love with. His nervous fingers, gently intertwined with yours.

[michaelbogild]

Quotes by Lord Byron

Adversity is the first path to truth.

All farewells should be sudden, when forever.

All who would win joy, must share it; happiness was born a twin.

Always laugh when you can, it is cheap medicine.

And dreams in their development have breath, And tears, and tortures, and the touch of joy; They leave a weight upon our waking thoughts, They take a weight from off our waking toils, They do divide our being.

And gave no outward signs of inward strife

And mind and dust- and passions and pure thoughts

And when we think we lead, we are most led

As long as I retain my feeling and my passion for Nature, I can partly soften or subdue my other passions and resist or endure those of others.

Be thou the rainbow in the storms of life. The evening beam that smiles the clouds away, and tints tomorrow with prophetic ray.

Being of no party, I shall offend all parties

Between two worlds life hovers like a star, twixt night and morn, upon the horizon's verge.

But what is Hope? Nothing but the paint on the face of Existence; the least touch of truth rubs it off, and then we see what a hollow-cheeked harlot we have got hold of.

But what is Hope? Nothing but the paint on the face of Existence; the least touch of truth rubs it off, and then we see what a hollow-cheeked harlot we have got hold of.

But who, alas! can love, and then be wise?

But words are things, and a small drop of ink, Falling, like dew, upon a thought produces That which makes thousands, perhaps millions think

Come, lay thy head upon my breast and I'll kiss thee unto rest.

Dark-heaving; boundless, endless, and sublime, The image of Eternity, -- the throne Of the Invisible! even from out thy slime The monsters of the deep are made; each zone Obeys thee; thou goest forth, dread, fathomless, alone

Death, so called, is a thing which makes men weep, And yet a third of life is passed in sleep.

Eat, drink and love...the rest is not worth a nickel

Eternity forbids thee to forget.

Even innocence itself has many a wile, And will not dare to trust itself with truth, And love is taught hypocrisy from youth

For Earth is but a tombstone

For the sword outwears its sheath, And the soul wears out the breast, And the heart must pause to breathe, And love itself have rest.

For there was soft remembrance, and sweet trust In one fond breast, to which his own would melt, And in its tenderer hour on that his bosom dwelt.

For truth is always strange; stranger than fiction.

Friendship may, and often does, grow into love, but love never subsides into friendship.

Had they been wisely mingled; as it is

Hath all the energy which would have made

he knew how to make madness beautiful

I am ashes where once I was fire...

I am so changeable, being everything by turns and nothing long - such a strange melange of good and evil.

I can never get people to understand that poetry is the expression of excited passion.

I do not believe in any religion, I will have nothing to do with immortality. We are miserable enough in this life without speculating upon another.

I feel my immortality over sweep all pains, all tears, all time, all fears, – and peal, like the eternal thunders of the deep, into my ears, this truth, – thou livest forever!

I had a dream, which was not at all a dream.

I have a great mind to believe in Christianity for the mere pleasure of fancying I may be damned.

I know that two and two make four - and should be glad to prove it too if I could - though I must say if by any sort of process I could convert 2 and 2 into five it would give me much greater pleasure.

I linger yet with Nature, for the night Hath been to me a more familiar face Than that of man; and in her starry shade Of dim and solitary loveliness, I learned the language of another world.

I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone.

I slept and dreamt that life was beauty; I woke and found that life was duty.

I suppose I had some meaning when I wrote it; I believe I understood it then.

In secret we met - In silence I grieve, That thy heart could forget, Thy spirit deceive. If I should meet thee After long years, How should I greet thee? - With silence and tears

In solitude, where we are least alone

In vain!—As fall the dews on quenchless sands, Blood only serves to wash Ambition's hands!

It is an awful chaos-light and darkness-

Life's enchanted cup sparkles near the brim

Love will find a way through paths where wolves fear to prey.

Mix'd, and contending without end or order

My pang shall find a voice.

Oh too convincing - dangerously dear - In woman's eye the unanswerable tear

On with the dance! Let joy be undefined!

One certainly has a soul; but how it came to allow itself to be enclosed in a body is more than I can imagine. I only know if once mine gets out, I’ll have a bit of a tussle before I let it get in again to that of any other

Opinions are made to be changed – or how is truth to be got at?

Prometheus-like from heaven she stole The fire that through those silken lashes In darkest glances seems to roll, From eyes that cannot hide their flashes: And as along her bosom steal In lengthened flow her raven tresses, You'd swear each clustering lock could feel, And curled to give her neck caresses.

Roll on, thou deep and dark blue Ocean - roll! Ten thousand fleets sweep over thee in vain; Man marks the earth with ruin - his control Stops with the shore

She walks in beauty, like the night Of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that's best of dark and bright Meet in her aspect and her eyes

Sigh to the stars, as wolves howl to the moon...

Sleep hath its own world, A boundary between the things misnamed Death and existence: Sleep hath its own world, And a wide realm of wild reality, And dreams in their development have breath, And tears and tortures, and the touch of joy.

So, we'll go no more a-roving So late into the night, Though the heart still be as loving, And the moon still be as bright.

Sorrow is knowledge, those that know the most must mourn the deepest, the tree of knowledge is not the tree of life.

Start not—nor deem my spirit fled: In me behold the only skull From which, unlike a living head, Whatever flows is never dull.

The best of prophets of the future is the past.

The bright sun was extinguish'd, and the stars Did wander darkling in the eternal space.

The dew of compassion is a tear

The drying up a single tear has more of honest fame than shedding seas of gore.

The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain

The great object of life is sensation—to feel that we exist, even though in pain. It is this ‘craving void’ which drives us to gaming—to battle—to travel—to intemperate but keenly felt pursuits of every description, whose principal attraction is the agitation inseparable from their accomplishment..

The heart will break, but broken live on.

The morn is up again, the dewy morn, With breath all incense, and with cheek all bloom, Laughing the clouds away with playful scorn, And living as if earth contained no tomb,— And glowing into day.

The power of thought is the magic of the mind.

The thorns which I have reap'd are of the tree I planted; they have torn me, and I bleed. I should have known what fruit would spring from such a seed.

There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is same. Only love

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods, There is a rapture on the lonely shore, There is society, where none intrudes, By the deep sea, and music in its roar: I love not man the less, but Nature more

There is music in all things, if men had ears.

There is no instinct like that of the heart

There is the moral of all human tales: ’Tis but the same rehearsal of the past, First Freedom, and then Glory - when that fails, Wealth, vice, corruption - barbarism at last. And History, with all her volumes vast, Hath but one page

There's music in the sighing of a reed; There's music in the gushing of a rill; There's music in all things, if men had ears; The earth is but the music of the spheres.

Think you, if Laura had been Petrarch's wife, he would have written sonnets all his life?

This should have been a noble creature: he

Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot, are fools, and those who dare not, are slaves.

Though the night was made for loving, And the day returns too soon, Yet we'll go no more a-roving By the light of the moon.

Tis sweet to know there is an eye will mark our coming, and look brighter when we come

To have joy, one must share it.

To him the magic of their mysteries; To him the book of Night was opened wide, And voices from the deep abyss revealed A marvel and a secret.

Truth is a gem that is found at a great depth; whilst on the surface of the world all things are weighed by the false scale of custom.

We of the craft are all crazy. Some are affected by gaiety, others by melancholy, but all are more or less touched.

Who knows whether, when a comet shall approach this globe to destroy it, as it often has been and will be destroyed, men will not tear rocks from their foundations by means of steam, and hurl mountains, as the giants are said to have done, against the flaming mass? - and then we shall have traditions of Titans again, and of wars with Heaven...

Why I came here, I know not; where I shall go it is useless to inquire - in the midst of myriads of the living and the dead worlds, stars, systems, infinity, why should I be anxious about an atom?

With just enough of learning to misquote.

Yet he was jealous, though he did not show it, For jealousy dislikes the world to know it

You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her. Never underestimate the power of love. The way to love anything is to realize it may be lost. The heart has its reasons that reason does not know at all. Music is love in search of a word. There is pleasure in the pathless woods; there is a rapture on the lonely shore; There is society, where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #444

“the monster you made is wearing the crown  /  i’ll be the king, and you’ll be the clown”

Do you take off from school, or work for your birthday? Ha, I used to try to talk Mom into letting me stay home from school... It only sometimes worked. Have you ever created ‘open when’ letters for someone? No. That'd be cute for an s/o, though. What is the best thing about being in the relationship you’re in right now or about being single? Not having to fear my partner leaving because of the struggles I'm going through. Not having to worry about not being enough for another person, because I'm not even enough for myself. Do you have a favourite painting? Not by a historical artist, no, but there is a piece by a deviantART artist called "Denialism" (by NukeRooster/Tatchit, if you're interested) that I adore so much I've actually gotten her permission to get it tattooed one day when I can afford a brilliant artist to do it. What are some of the best life hacks you know? /shrug What makes you smile without fail? MARK LAUGHING laj;sdkafjwlk;erj Do you know what you’ll be getting your loved ones for the holidays this winter? No clue. That's still a whiles off. What is your biggest short-term goal (within the next month)? Just lose a decent amount of weight for a month's time. What will your next tattoo be of? It depends on what cash I have available, really. As much as it sucks, I think my next tat is a whiles off because I just have more pressing things to pay for. Has anyone very close to you ever died? Besides pets, the closest human to me that's ever died was Jason's mom. If you were throwing your significant other/best friend a themed party, what would the theme be? Uh, Frieza-related, obviously. Do you feel prepared for the apocalypse? I don't believe in the apocalypse in the biblical sense of it being determined by an ultimate power, so this isn't something I really think about. Whenever humanity ends, it ends. I don't have a say, so I may as well not obsess over it. Do you think you will have children naturally, adopt, or forgo having children altogether? I'm not having kids, but if I did, I know that either I'd have to give birth to them or my hypothetical wife would for me to feel *properly* connected to them as a mother should. Oh, or if my male partner had a kid from a previous relationship, but I'd have to be REALLY in love with him to feel like that child is also my own. Do you take pictures of yourself on a daily basis? Oh god no. Do you believe in angels? No, but rather just spirits. Is there anything in your past that you used to regret, but now you don’t? Hm, maybe? Does your knee hurt? My knees always hurt. Has anyone ever called you sexy? Yes. Do you like raisins? omg nooooo What is your favorite bug? Butterflies! :') Do you like Scrabble? Sure, it's fun for a board game. Do you have a printer? Yes. What is your favorite food? Cheeseburgers or pizza, probably. I know, so American. Have you ever overheard a conversation you weren’t supposed to? Yes. Do you like ants? They are very fascinating when you really think about it, but I still find them incredibly annoying. Did you like the movie Antz? I loved it as a kid. Have you ever drank goat milk? No, I don't believe so. What’s your favorite video game? Silent Hill 2 and Shadow of the Colossus. Do you like cats? I love kitties!!! :') Are goldfish your favorite fish? No. I think my favorite is probably the lionfish. Do you like vanilla pudding? No. I only like chocolate pudding. What is your opinion on gay marriage? I 100% support it and would fight to the death for it. What is your opinion on gay adoption? Don't even fucking look at me if you see a problem with a parentless child finding a home with two people in love. Who was the last person you had a crush on? Sara. What’s the most expensive piece of clothing you own? I have zero clue. Why do you drive the car you have right now? I don't have my own car. Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Omg yes and it sucks. Are you friends with your neighbors? No. What is your current desktop picture? One of my favorite pictures of my late pup, Teddy. What’s the coolest thing you’ve seen out the window of an airplane? Mountains! Does your neighbor have any pets? *shrug* Have you ever swam in a mountain lake? No, but that sounds VIBIN'. Has a cat/dog ever thrown up on your bed? alksdjflk;a;jdfalwe yes Have you ever had a concussion? One or two. Do you know anyone who has a pet gecko? Not currently, I think? I want a fat-tailed gecko, though. :( Would you ever go bear hunting? I wouldn't dare hunt ANY animal. Have you ever seen two movies at the theater in a row? I have not. How many teenagers do you know who have babies? I know no teen personally that has a child, but there were some pregnant students in high school. If you could keep your parents or trade them for other parents, which would you pick? I would NEVER change my parents. Is there a piggy bank in the room you’re in? It's not a "piggy" bank, per se, but my sister got me a skull one that she says is for my tattoo funds. :') How many sets of twins do you know? Two, off the very top of my head. If you have younger siblings, are you very protective of them? Yes. No one fucks with her for as long as I live. If you have older siblings, are they very protective of you? Not especially. Who is your favorite Disney Channel person? Uhhh, maybe Raven Symone? How many pets do you have? Just two. Do you think you will be successful in life? No. :/ What do you have pierced? My earlobes, twice, and my bottom lip. I have been dyinnnnggg for some new ones lately. :/ Does techno annoy you as much as it annoys me? No, I actually enjoy quite a bit of techno. What’s your comfort food? Ice cream. Do you like paranormal stuff? YES. Do you have a favorite stuffed toy? Rebel, my adorable meerkat plush from Jason, and Brownie, my moose from Cabela's. What’s the most exciting project you were given? In a way, my senior project since you got to choose your own topic, but I dreaded the presentation. Do you have a good sense of direction? Not at ALL. What are your favorite colour for a cat? Orange! If you had to live your life carrying a shield, what would its design be? This is gonna sound super, super cheesy, but probably a heart to symbolize how love should and could block the effects of hate and general evil and that we should pursue that instead of violence. Out of all the cancers, which one do you think needs to find a cure first? Oh god, they all do. If I had to pick one though, it'd be one of the inevitably fatal kinds, like pancreatic. What are your general afterthoughts when you’ve finished a book? I feel accomplished for actually reading to a story's completion. How many pairs of glasses (not sunglasses) have you owned? Two, I think? What color is your flash-drive? Hot pink. Have you ever built a sand castle? Yeah. How many houses have you lived in? Six. One I have no memory of. Do you shut off the water while you brush your teeth? Yes. What video game should everybody play at least once? Amnesia: A Machine for PIgs for the symbolism. It blows my mind how most horror fans hate it; it's like they totally miss the point. 100 years from now, what modern things will people look back on and say, “WTF?” Hopefully things like homophobia, racism, misogyny, concepts like those. What is impossible to understand until it happens to you? Mental illness, to name only one thing. What fictional food item from a television show, cartoon, movie, or video game have you always wanted to try? Hm. There's a lot that has looked super good, really. What’s something that gets much more hate than it deserves? Nickelback, lmao. What phrases or sayings drive you crazy? "Everything happens for a reason," "it could be worse/some people have it worse," "it's all part of God's plan," "just think positive"... a lot of stuff. Do you have a deviantART? I do, even though Eclipse made it fucking suck. I only really stay because I cling to the dying hope of being at least somewhat successful on there, and I enjoy keeping tabs on the artwork of the hundreds of people I watch there. Who is your favorite character in your favorite movie? Mufasa, even if he doesn't last long in the movie. :''''''( Have you ever been to Germany? No, but I'd love to! What is your favorite holiday? Christmas. Have you ever been ice skating? No. The blades on the skates scare me. Have you ever taken a karate class? No. Do you have any nieces or nephews? I have a lot, if you include my half-siblings' kids. Do you own an Xbox? Nah, I've always been a PlayStation gal. Would you date someone who’s well-known for cheating? Nope. Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of? No. I'd consider their reasons, but ultimately, it's about me loving the person. Could you be in a relationship without sex? Yeah, sure. It's not ideal, but I mean if the other person is just very opposed, I'm certainly not forcing them. Emotional intimacy is more important to me, anyway. Have you ever been “friendzoned”? Yep. :') Briefly, anyway. Jason tried for my sake, but it was VERY short-lived by no one's fault but my own because all I know how to do is fuck shit up when it comes to him. Which “famous couple” is your favorite? LOOK Mark and Amy are FUCKIN GEMS Have you ever “destroyed” a relationship? Pretty fucking much. Are you the “dominant” or the “submissive” part in a relationship? I'm submissive by nature. Do you think Valentine’s Day is overrated? No, I think it's a cute holiday. Which do you feel is worse of the two to smoke: weed or tobacco? Well, weed has more carcinogens, but at least it has actual health benefits. Who did you last see that you haven’t seen in ages? *shrug* Are you photogenic at all? God no.

[lovemesomesurveys]

[-infatuatedgirl]

Hey, what’s your name? Stephanie.

How old were you when you got your first cell phone? Weren’t you just tingling with excitement? I was 16. I wouldn’t say that, but it was cool. I’m old, so it wasn’t a smartphone yet.

Do you ever read the results of the surveys you make? I don’t make surveys.

How many belts do you own? Zero.

If you had to live with one pair of shoes, what would they be? My Adidas.

Do you believe in love at first sight? No.

How about forevers? It happens.

What’s your comfort food? Lately, it’s actually been ice cream, which is weird cause I wasn’t ever a big ice cream person before.

What do you use your cell phone for, aside texting and calls? Ha, I hardly use it for those reasons. I use it for the apps more than anything.

Are there any picture frames in the room you are in? Yes.

Did you ever ride a limo? Yeah, several times. My dad used to work for a limo company when I was a kid, it was cool.

Do you use a lot of hair products? Not at all, just shampoo and detangler.

Creepiest movie ever? Hmm. Not sure which movie I’d give that title to.

Do you ever wonder what your life looks like to someone else’s eyes? Gah, I don’t want to know.

Have you ever walked into a crowded room and felt so alone? I do often feel alone even though I’m rarely completely by myself.

What’s your current status in facebook/myspace? I shared some random meme thing earlier. I like never post actual statuses anymore, I just share stuff now and then.

What was your dream job as a child? I wanted to be a teacher.

Is it still the same? No.

Did you ever stay up all night? Fun, right? As a kid? Yeah. Especially when my cousins slept over. We’d try to stay up with junk food and soda and watch movies, play games, etc and see who could stay up the latest. Ever took a Bzoinkoid? I don’t know what that is.

Do you like cracking your knuckles? Sometimes it just needs to be done.

What color’s your car? I don’t have a car, I don’t drive.

If you don’t have one, what color would you like it to be? I’m not sure.

Did you ever do something you promised yourself not to? Didn’t it feel good? I have and some of the things did and some I regretted.

What’s the ‘craziest’ color you dyed your hair? Red was my first bold color I did.

What’s your definition of fearless? Having no fear? ha.

Don’t you get a bit happy when you take an iPod shuffle survey and the song fits perfectly? I don’t like those type of surveys, actually.

Do you like paranormal stuff?(shows,movies,books,etc) Nah.

Do you believe in those? No.

What’s the weirdest compliment you ever received? Did you even take it as a compliment? “You’re pretty for having polio.” I’ll never forget some random woman coming up and saying that to me. Like what does that even mean? I don’t have polio and I don’t know why she assumed I did apart from the fact I’m in a wheelchair? Also, does that imply people with polio aren’t usually attractive according to them?

Do you have a favorite stuff toy? What’s it’s name? My shitload of stuffed animal giraffes. What’s the most exciting project you were given? Hmm.

Are you familiar with Polyvore? If so, do you have an account? No.

Did you accomplish your New Years Resolutions last year? I stopped making those several years ago.

What are you passionate about? Nothing. :/

Without passion we’d truly be dead. Fact or fiction? I haven’t felt passionate about something in a long time and it does feel like I’m really missing something. Like, I think you should have something  you’re passionate about, it’s fulfilling. 

Are you guilty of internet slang? I use the ones like, “omg”, “wtf”, and “lol”, but otherwise I’m very much about being grammatically correct.

Would you rather be hurt physically or emotionally? I would rather just not be hurt at all - how about that?! <<< Right, like wtf.

Were you ever truly and completely happy with yourself? No.

Is your life balanced right now? No.

Did you ever roll down a ramp or hill? Countless ramps as someone in a wheelchair.

If you can’t be with the one you love, will you be with the one who loves you? I don’t want to just settle.

What’s your favorite scent? I have a lot.

Are/were you forced to believe something you don’t? When I was a kid both sets of grandparents tried pushing their religious beliefs on me.

Are you very dependent on people? I’ve had to be very dependent the past couple months now due to health setbacks.                                                                                       

Do you let small things ruin your day? Ugh, I do let stuff like that get to me way too much and too easily these days. Like every little thing.

Do you over-analyze things? Yepppp.                                      

Did you ever wonder what life would be in a stranded island? It would be depressing and lonely. Also, probably terrifying. <<< Yeah, not something I’d want to experience that’s for sure.

Do you have a good sense of direction? Nooo. I’m the worst.

What’s your opinion on Kesha? I liked some of her songs.

Are you excited for what the future holds for you? I’m scared of what the future holds for me to be honest.

Are you more of a listener or a talker? I’m definitely more of a listener than a talker.

Indoorsy or outdorsy? Indoorsy for sure.

Name something that you think is overrated. Bacon and sushi. It seems like literally everyone loves both and I don’t get it. 

How about underrated? Hmm.

What’s one question you HATE being asked? Hmm.

Is it personal or it just bugs you? --

Do you own any comic books? Nope.

Or you’re more of an anime/manga person? I’m not into those either.

Do you have any weird phobias? If so, what? Ugh, I don’t even want to type the words but the fear of holes and clusters lsjlskfklsdjflkdsjfdlsk

Were you ever obsessed with something then realized how lame it really was? Twilight. :X

If you had a time machine would you visit the past or future? The past.

Or is the present too good for you? No, definitely not. What would you change in that time zone? In the past? I’d change some things that would make it so I wasn’t dealing with some of the health stuff I’m going through now. Some of it could have been so easily avoided and managed, but I was stubborn, irresponsible, and negligent.

What’s the title of the first survey you created? I’ve only made one survey, many years ago, and I don’t think I titled it.

What color is your iPod/mp3? I have a black iPod Touch, but it’s been stored away and unused since 2012. I use Spotify on my phone for music, which is gold.

Do you think you could live without music? I’ve hardly listened to music at all this year so far and I’m still alive.

Describe your favorite top. I love all my graphic tees.

Do you change your style frequently? No. Especially not now. I just live in leggings and graphic tees.

Are you a tshirt-and-jeans kind of person? No, I’m a leggings and graphic tees kind of person.

What’s the most traumatizing event that ever happened to you? The one that made me a paraplegic. 

Do you own a diary/journal? This is it.

Do you write there often? I definitely do.

Don’t you hate it when there’s nothing good showing on TV? I got into this routine the past few months and have my lineup of shows.

Insert your favorite smiley here: :) 

How many live concerts have you been to? Like 6 or 7.

Did you keep the tickets as a souvenir? Yeah.

Tinypic or Photobucket? Aw, the days of Tinypic and Photobucket. I’m sad because I have a shit ton of photos saved on Photobucket and I can’t access my account. D: Like, I’m talkin’ photos from Myspace days. 

Tumblr or Xanga? Well, it’s just Tumblr now... <<< I really do like Tumblr, but I also miss Xanga. The survey community was huge.

What do you do when you’re really nervous? Fidget, squirm, pick at my nails, bite/pick my lips, mess with my hair, twiddle with my hands, jump to worst case scenarios...

Do you have a bad habit you just can’t break? Picking at my lips, nails, and skin. :/

Would you say you’re down to earth? I think so.

What’s the first thing you see when you look at yourself in the mirror? I really try to avoid that as much as possible cause I hate what I see.

Do you find peace in being alone? I haven’t felt peace in a very long time.

Summer holds such wonderful things. Fact or fiction? Fiction. I could just skip right on by it to be honest.

Ah,summer (: What’s your favorite thing about it? The only thing I like is if I’m able to go to the beach. If I had a beach house with private beach access and didn’t feel miserable for months, then I wouldn’t mind summertime. 

Are you faint to the sight of blood? Just the mention of it makes me feel weak.

What’s something you’ve grown used to? I feel like this is how it’s always going to be... :/

What’s your favorite dessert? Lately, I’ve been really into ice cream. I was not a big ice cream person before, like until recently it had been a few years since I had any at all. Suddenly, I’m all about it. *shrug*

Do you like spicy food? I loved spicy food, but I can’t have it anymore. :(

Are you easily bored? I didn’t used to be. I think my boredom is actually the depression, though.

Do you wish for the same thing at 11:11? Or does it change depending on how things are going in your life? I don’t do that.

Do you even wish at 11:11? Nope.

[the-nehemoth]

Backup

I read a fantastic fic called Pentagram on Ao3 (if you haven't read it already, you should because it's really fucking good) and in it VEGA is installed on Doomguy's suit. Which I think is really a really neat idea for this ship. So I had the idea of what if VEGA was transferred directly to the suit instead of onto that flashdrive thingy first? And I also had an idea of what if Doomguy went out of his way to backup VEGA instead of it being just a quick last minute button press at the end? I combined those two ideas to make this fic.

~

The Doom Slayer was a slayer of demons, not people. As far as he could remember, he’d never killed a person before. Though admittedly, his memory was spotty and unreliable at best due to the nature of his past so it could’ve happened, he doubted it though, and if it had it would’ve been well deserved. But here he was being asked and expected to kill a person who as far as he was concerned didn’t deserve to die.

It was for a good cause, he did need to get back to Hell and if this was the only way, he had to do it. But was it the only way? Possibly but he had to at least try to find a way that didn’t involve VEGA dying. If all else failed, VEGA was an AI that existed on the facility’s computer system and therefore it should be possible to transfer him to another device before exploding his current operating system.

With that in mind, after dealing with the demon horde in the coolant room, the Slayer moved on without destroying any of the coolant tanks. A few had been slightly damaged in the battle but nothing major enough to cause any real problems for VEGA’s systems.

“Slayer,” VEGA said when the Slayer was two rooms away from the coolant room, “I notice that you failed to destroy my cooling systems. I would ask why but I don’t think you’d answer. But I strongly advise you take them out first. While it is possible to complete this task without destroying them, I assure yout it will make the process much faster and more efficient.”

‘This task’ and ‘the process’, he refused to call it what it actually was. He wasn’t okay with this, was he? Not fully anyway. He was at least being partially forced to go along with it.

“Slayer,” VEGA continued after several seconds of being ignored, “I know I can’t make you go back but destroying my cooling system first will make it significantly faster. You need to get back to Hell quickly so I recommend turning around and destroying it before continuing further towards my core.” Was it just the Slayer’s imagination or was there a slight undertone of desperation to VEGA’s normally calm manner?

The Slayer came to an abrupt halt. Was… VEGA insisting on a faster death because he thought the Slayer was planning on taking him out the slow way? Or did he just want it to be over with as soon as possible? Probably both, right? How did the Slayer assure him that that wasn’t what he had in mind?

He looked around but there weren’t any computer terminals nearby for him to type on nor was there anything for him to write on or with. He hadn’t seen many functioning computers with intact keyboards any time recently either. He had vague memories of hearing about a language made up entirely of hand signals but he didn’t know any of them. Thus he couldn’t communicate anything right now without actually speaking. Which he could do but… the thought made his gut clench with anxiety.

It honestly made no sense. He could face a horde of demons without any fear but the mere thought of speaking was almost terrifying. There had been a time he could speak freely though, wasn’t there? … Maybe, he was no longer sure. If so, it had been a long time ago. But… he couldn’t let VEGA continue to think he was doomed to suffer a slow death so…

“Don’t worry,” he forced out, trusting VEGA could hear him through the suit’s comm link. His voice was hoarse and rough in his throat but it was still there which almost felt surprising considering he couldn’t remember the last time he spoke.

“W-what?” VEGA said, stammering. Who would’ve thought AIs could stammer? “Did you just… speak?”

The Slayer nodded as he started walking again, clutching his shotgun tight to keep his hands from shaking.

“And you told me not to worry, what does that mean?”

The Slayer grunted, unable to get himself to speak again.

“You’re… not planning on destroying me?”

Good! His message had gotten across. So, he nodded, affirming it.

“I appreciate the thought but you need to close the Hell portal. The only way to close it is from Hell itself, you know that. The only way to get there is through a powerful energy surge. Destroying my systems is the only way to get enough energy to accomplish that. So, you’re not left with much of a choice.”

The Slayer ignored him as he stepped into a new room. There were more demons here. Perfect! He could use some ripping and tearing to ease his nerves.

 -

VEGA didn’t speak again until some time later when the Slayer sensed he was nearing VEGA’s core. “What are you planning?” His tone suggested it was rhetorical and didn’t expect an answer so the Slayer didn’t bother with trying to give one. “And why would you bother?”

Because he was the Doom Slayer, he killed demons, not people. He had no way to covey that though so he just grunted and continued on his way.

It wasn’t long before he reached the room that housed VEGA’s core. It was massive and counter to the Slayer’s expectations looked nothing like his symbol when he spoke over the comms. That was fine though, it wouldn’t be his core for much longer anyway.

The Slayer approached the center console and double tapped the screen to activate it. Presumably he could access VEGA’s code here but… he wasn’t sure how. While he was pretty sure he considered himself decent with computer stuff once upon a time, that had been a long time ago, back when fully sapient AI’s were still a thing exclusive to science-fiction. It didn’t take him long to find a text box he could type into though.

‘VEGA, can you read this?’ he typed before instinctively looking up at VEGA’s core as he waited for him to answer.

“Yes, I can read what’s on the screen. Now, can you finally tell me what you’re trying to do? Preferably before Dr. Hayden jumps back onto the com link and notices something’s up.”

‘Is it possible for you to transfer yourself onto another device from here?’

There was more a full second pause before VEGA replied. “I could yes, assuming you had a device with enough storage capacity to house at the bare minimum my core personality code. I would prefer more space than just that though for my memories and various processes. I would also prefer to be able to function on it as well but a smaller device to move me from one system to another would work too. But I do not believe that there is a device with enough storage capacity for even that anywhere in this part of the facility. Dr. Hayden might have something in his lab that would suffice but it would take approximately eleven hours and thirty-seven minutes to walk there and back from here. I do not believe we have that kind of time to spare. Closing the portal is a rather urgent matter.”

True so… ‘What about my suit?’ It was probably a long shot but it was pretty high tech, allowing him to store stuff in a pocket dimension within it and assisting him in and out of combat in various ways. He wasn’t sure how any of it worked or if it was even plausible for it to house an AI of any size or in any capacity but it was worth bringing up as a possibility, right?

“Hmm… I’m not sure. I can’t access any part of it other than its comms channel for communications purposes. If you had a way to connect it to me then I could know for sure. Personally, I would be surprised if it worked though.”

The Slayer nodded in agreement but it was only idea he had right now so… ‘How would I connect it to you?’

“Well, please do not tell Dr. Hayden this but unbeknownst to him, I have been working on a way to interface with the suit ever since it was first brought into the facility since I couldn’t find a way to hack its systems wirelessly. I had just about finished what I believe to a successful attempt when the demon invasion started. I did not think it prudent to ask you to take the suit somewhere I could test it while you were in the midst of dealing with said demon invasion. I suppose now is a better time than any though. Please take this device and plug it into the right side of terminal and then place some part of the suit onto it.”

A drone, similar to the ones that carried the weapon mods but a bigger rose up from behind the terminal. It carried a large rectangular device with what looked like a touch screen taking up the entire top of it. What it was or did was impossible to for the Slayer to even guess. But he didn’t need to know that in order for it to work so he accepted it from the drone.

“It doesn’t need to be plugged into me for it to work but if your plan works, it being plugged it will make it easier for me to transfer myself to the suit,” VEGA said as the Slayer plugged it in.

Nothing on the touch screen or the terminal’s screen changed so with a shrug, the Slayer pressed his gauntleted hand firmly on the device. He almost pulled it back as the symbol on the helmet of the suit appeared on his visor’s screen, big enough to almost take up the whole space. It was quickly pushed to the side to be overtaken by VEGA’s symbol, just as large.

“Ah-ha! I’m in!” VEGA sounded proud of himself. It brought a smile to the Slayer’s face after the disguised fear he’d had in his voice earlier when he’d thought he was going to die. “Oh, this is fascinating.”

That was wonderful but they were kind of in a tight spot right now. The Slayer reached his free hand over to type some more. ‘Is there enough room for you on it? Even just for transport?’

“Oh uh… yeah, I do believe so. I can’t fit everything but there should be more than enough room to comfortably fit the important stuff. I should be able to function on it too.”

It was cliché but the Slayer let out a sigh of relief. He wouldn’t have to kill someone he’d grown to consider a friend today. It had been far too long since he’d had a friend so he was quite glad. And he was going to get to bring that friend with him. Maybe not forever, VEGA might not what that, but for a time at least. It’d be nice not to be alone for a little while.

“I… suppose I should start the transfer, huh? It will take a while and time is of the essence.” VEGA said after a beat silence. “Before I do though… I want to thank you Slayer. While I was willing to be destroyed for the greater good, I prefer continued existence so I appreciate you thinking of this instead of going through with Dr. Hayden’s plan.” Confirming once and for all that he hadn’t had any input on that plan.

The Slayer nodded in acknowledgment, holding back his anger at Hayden for now because it wasn’t the time for it.

“All right… commencing the transfer process now.” A bar appeared below VEGA’s icon with ‘0%’ underneath it. “Estimated time until download and installation is complete: ten minutes and fifteen seconds.” That was longer than would’ve been ideal but far shorter than the Slayer would’ve predicted.

 -

“Installation complete.” VEGA announced, waking the Slayer from a light doze. Naturally VEGA had been a bit busy and thus hadn’t spoken during the process so the Slayer had taken the opportunity for a quick standing nap; he had to take moment of rest when he when and where he could.

The big icon on the visor’s screen shrunk and moved to the bottom right corner. Presumably that was where it was going to stay now.

‘How do you feel?’ the Slayer typed into the console. It wasn’t part of VEGA anymore but he should still be able to see the text, right?

“Hmm… slow. I don’t have the processing power I did before so I feel like my thoughts are much slower. I’m… not a fan. I also lost much of my functionality; I couldn’t run an entire facility any more even if I wanted to.” Implying he didn’t want to. “This is better than destruction though, far better. It will take some time to get used to and to learn what all I can do now.”

Before the Slayer could respond Dr. Hayden’s symbol popped on the visor, indicating he’d joined the comms. “What is taking so long?”

“Sorry Dr. Hayden,” VEGA replied. “There were far more demons than anticipated, they took a bit of time to clear. The Slayer is on his way now.”

Oh! VEGA was lying to Hayden and presumably had some way of preventing him from knowing that he’d been transferred to the suit. That was probably a good idea. The Slayer should destroy VEGA’s old systems before Hayden could learn the truth. So not even bothering to pay attention to Hayden’s response, the Slayer turned and jogged out of the room, he had cooling system to destroy.

[thanagariansnarebeast]

Top ten fallen heroes

These are not reformed villains, though they may go into that role after, or at least an anti-hero, but most of these I prefer as villains.

10. Ozymandias (Watchmen). While you don’t see him do his heroics much in the comics, because he is pseudo-retired at this point, you do know what he did in the past to some extent and you know he’s still trying to make the world a better place. (spoilers for the comic that you really should read because there is a reason why it is considered a masterpiece) Ozymandias sacrifices his own morality to try and stop the world from destroying itself, its an awful thing that he does and thinks its for the greater good, and he clearly feels the weight of what he’s done but still stands by it; which is what makes him a fallen hero.

9. Griffith (Berserk). Now Griffith has many heroic qualities, but he always seemed to have a bit of a dark and selfish nature; but that being said his betrayal still really hurt both the audience and the few surviving main characters; and what he did was so profoundly selfish and evil that he becomes a fantastic villain.

8. Light Yagami (Death Note). Light does his fall really hard and really fast, but it takes a bit before he becomes completely evil. His mental chess game with L is one of my favorite story arcs in all of fiction, and it all started because this seemingly innocent boy found a notebook. There are definitely times when you are rooting for him even though you know you shouldn’t be, and I think that makes for some of the best villains. I was going to put Walter White on here, but I feel like Walt was always just a likable villain, you just didn’t know he was an egotistical dick until much later in the show.

7.Artorias the Abysswalker (Dark Souls). Artorias in any other game would probably be a hero you follow the footsteps of, or just play as; but in Dark Souls you slowly piece together the tragic story of a hero that tried as hard and as long as he could to win an unwinnable fight and in the end succumbed to the very abyss that he was fighting. Having to fight his best friend and protector of his grave is just heart breaking, and fighting him in the DLC was almost as bad. He’s not a character that I prefer as a villain, but he is a fun boss.

6. Angelus (Buffy/Angel). Now Angel is my favorite main character in my all time favorite show, but Angelus is a lot of fun to watch. He just loves being evil so much, he relishes it and is almost cartoonish at time with how fucked up he can be; but he has done far too much damage to the main characters of both Buffy and Angel to be taken lightly (I mean most villains in the show ether respect or fear him, and that’s pretty impressive when he’s been gone for hundreds of years). Having a main character who can go so completely evil if pushed is such a fun dynamic and when he gets to come out and play for real in season 4 it is a hell of a show. He’s such a good villain because he gets to sit and watch in agony watching Angel and friends do good all the time, but the whole time he sees how to push buttons and manipulate people so that when he gets free he can get what he needs out of them.

5. Jason Todd/Red Hood (DC comics). Jason was not a well liked character when he first appeared, or even after Crisis on Infinite Earths, but his death was still tragic and made people really question how good of an idea having a teenage sidekick really was. It was only after he came back to life and starting messing with Batman that I really liked him. Most of the villains on this list have questionable at best motivations, but if I was Jason and Batman didn’t kill Joker to avenge me, I’d be pretty pissed off to. He’s a great foil for Batman because he knows him so well, knows how to hurt him, and is pissed enough to really hurt him. He did eventually become an anti-hero and sort of DC’s answer to the Punisher (though they already had Huntress for that) but I like him more as a villain than I do an anti-hero (though he can be written well when he’s not in New 52). I was torn between him and Winter Soldier, but I think Bucky’s story isn’t quite as tragic because of the amount of time that had passed between him dying and him showing back up, and I like him more as a hero; both in the comics and in the MCU.

4. Two-Face (DC comics). From this entry and the last one you might think I’m a Batman fanboy, but I’m not; he just has damn good villains. There are many Spider-Man villains that were good guys to some extent before something terrible turned them into a villain, but Harvey Dent has the edge for me because of how much good he was trying to do before he became a villain. In his many incarnations you can always see a dark side to him before he falls, but seeing him actually become evil is still painful to watch. He is a fantastic villain because he’s so twisted and evil, but there is still a chance for him to be redeemed. He’s a constant reminder to Batman of his failure to help his friend, and he also has a very unique visual style to him that a lot of different creators have had a lot of fun playing with.

3. Arthas Menethil (Warcraft series). Arthas had your classic heroic backstory; young, handsome, talented prince who cared about his people would stop at nothing to protect them. He was brave and a very powerful paladin, but his arrogance would prove to be his undoing. He started down a path of doing worse and worse things to try and accomplish his goals, and eventually became fully corrupted once he got Frostmorne. Once he got his armor and became the Lich King, he became one of the most powerful villains in all of Warcraft, and the sword and armor he had made him very cool (no pun intended). His role as antagonist for a whole World of Warcraft expansion just shows how powerful he was, and being able to piss off pretty much everyone shows how good a villain he was.

2. Anakin Skywalker (Star Wars). Now the prequels are very flawed films, but I don’t find much fault in Anakin’s characterization throughout them. He starts off just a sweet and innocent child longing for adventure, but the next time we see him he’s a cocky teenager with enough power to back up his attitude. He’s very high on this list because while he did do some evil things before his actual turn to the dark side, he was manipulated into most or all of them; that doesn’t excuse him completely because in the end he still had agency over his choices, even if it wasn’t full agency. Some people say that his turn was too quick, but I think what happened is after he made that split second decision to protect Palpatine, he realized he was pretty much stuck with what he did. He did what he did because he was naive, manipulated, and wanted to save his wife and child. I’m also a sucker for a Greek tragedy and a self-fulfilling prophecy. Everything he did after the death of his wife and supposed death of his child was because of his rage and sadness at what he had lost, and clinging to what little he had left. He’s one of the best villains in all of fiction, and is so incredibly visually striking that even if you’ve never seen a Star Wars film, you know just by looking at him who he is.

1. Superman (Injustice games/comic). Who could possibly be a more tragic fallen hero than the symbol of hope and peace losing all hope and becoming a fascist, murdering dictator. Superman needs no introduction, but the Joker tricking him into murdering his wife and unborn child, and blowing up Metropolis sure is a different take on the character. Its not entirely surprising that something so tragic could make the Man of Tomorrow loose what made him a hero. As you read the comics you see that he started off just wanting to kill supervillains, and slowly he had to compromise more and more to get what he wanted. He never completely lost his morality, just slowly changed and warped his view on it until he became so scared of losing what he had left that he became a dictator.

[probably-writing-something-blog]

A line-by-line analysis of “The Archer” by Taylor Swift

Hello! Taylor released “The Archer” yesterday literally out of nowhere (love her for it, though) and ever since hearing it, I’ve wanted to sit down and really analyze it. I had a free moment today, so I did just that, and here it is. (I’m doing a “read more” cut because this is so long.)

“Combat/I’m ready for combat.”

Pretty simple, and the meaning is there. She’s ready to fight. As the song goes on, we’ll find out what she’s fighting for or against. Let’s keep going.

“I say I don’t want that/but what if I do?”

If you look at this from the last line, then she could be referring to combat/fighting. “I say I don’t want [to fight], but what if I do?” Which then alters the meaning of the first lines. She says she doesn’t want to fight – fighting in a general sense, fighting against herself/someone else, fighting for herself/someone else – maybe because it’s too stressful or maybe because in the past she has never won.

But then she says, “What if I [want to fight]?” What if she still wants to fight for herself, despite how it’s gone in the past? What if she wants to fight for someone else, despite how it’s gone in the past, despite her reputation? We can assume she’s talking about Joe here, sure, because we know he’s her boyfriend, but she also said this album is going to be the romantic side of everything in life, so that’s why I’m showing the different angles that this can be interpreted.

“‘Cause cruelty/wins in the movies/I’ve got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you.”

Cruelty and revenge and everything around the two make for good movies. Everyone loves drama (“I swear I don’t love the drama/It loves me”); it’s just a fact of how we are. But here she’s saying, that stuff wins in the movies. It doesn’t win out here, in real life. We know Taylor and we know she doesn’t have a single mean bone in her body. Being cruel is the last thing she ever wants to be. Cruelty doesn’t win.

She writes what she wants to say to the person. Because of the line before this one, we can assume these speeches could’ve been anywhere from “I have to say goodbye” speeches to “What are you doing? How are you still around?” speeches to “I love you so much” speeches. There are so many routes.

“Easy they come/Easy they go/I jump from the train/I ride off alone.”

These lines. Okay.

Friends, relationships, whoever – “Easy they come/Easy they go” – She’s saying it’s always been so easy for people to come and go in her life. Easy maybe in the sense of she thinks she isn’t extraordinary enough for them to want to stay, and easy maybe in the sense that it never hurts them to come and go as quickly as they do.

She jumps from the train, she rides off alone. This gave me the image of maybe a western or even science-fiction movie. Jumping from a fast-moving train, presumably because enemies were on the train or the train wasn’t going in the direction they wanted to go. She rides off alone, she’s the only one not wanting to be on the train anymore. She’s on her own again.

“I never grew up/It’s getting so old.”

I’ve seen a few people make comparisons to her song “Never Grow Up” and that alone has made me emo, but I think these two lines are so important.

On the reputation stadium tour, Taylor sang “Never Grow Up” and if I remember correctly, she shifted the lyrics to something along the lines of, “I know you have to grow up,” which was sad on its own. But hearing this song and these lines adds an entirely different feeling.

She never grew up, not really. She’s been in the industry since she was so young. I bet she feels almost like she didn’t really have a true childhood or adolescence period, and it makes sense.

She never got the chance to grow up. She just had to do it. She didn’t get to experience it as a process, she just had to be grown up and have a presence all of the sudden. No process, just be. And it’s getting old. She never had the chance to a “normal” coming of age period, and she misses that.

“Help me hold onto you.”

I’ll come back to this line, for sure.

“I’ve been the archer/And I’ve been the prey.”

She’s been the one to shoot her arrows before. To attack, to fight. But she’s also been the attacked, the hunted.

“Who could ever leave me darling…but who could stay?”

This line hits especially because for me, I see the first half of it as almost a small bit of confidence. That, “Who could ever leave someone like me? Who would want to?” And then in the second half, she remembers why. She remembers her life and how her past has been and she says, “Who could stay?” Because (and I know she’s talked about this before and said this) who would want to deal with the life she has? Who would want this? Who would volunteer for this?

“Dark side/I search for your dark side/But what if I’m alright right here?”

She’s seen the dark side of many people. I have too, so this I relate especially to. Having something good only for it to turn at what seems like the tick of a second. All of the sudden, it’s not as good as it was. And now that things are good, it makes sense for her to be searching for the bad, to be untrustworthy of the good because she’s seen the good turn bad too many times. She’s searching for the dark side, but what if there isn’t one? And what if she doesn’t want to search for it anymore? What if she’s content, right here? What if she’s finally content just letting the good things be?

I think it’s really powerful that she uses “What if?” because that shows that while she is beginning to be okay with it, there’s still that fear. She still has to wonder that this is just another time where the rug is about to be ripped out from beneath her feet. She wants to believe this is good, that there is no dark side to search for, but what if there is?

“And I cut off my nose just to spite my face/And hate my reflection for years and years.”

“Cutting off the nose to spite the face” is an idiom, perfectly used here with the literal line on the second half saying that after doing that, she hated her reflection. The expression actually refers to “a needlessly self-destructive over-reaction to a problem” which is something I also heavily relate to (I got the definition from Wikipedia).

Maybe she’s overreacted in the past. Cut things off too quickly with someone or locked herself away from any prospect of love (friendship or romantic) because she was too scared. Refusing love is self-destructive – something I’ve done. It’s cutting off your nose to spite your face, it’s tearing yourself down without needing to, it’s seeing a problem and thinking it can’t exist if you cut off every single avenue it could exist down, regardless of whether or not some are positive or that it could lead to something positive. It’s destroying yourself in the name of protecting yourself.

“I wake in the night/I pace like a ghost/The room is on fire/Invisible smoke.”

I’ve seen a couple people already refer to this as a line about anxiety, and I completely agree. Anxiety can make it seem like the room is literally on fire, when it isn’t (“invisible smoke” choking you, making it hard to breathe when there’s perfectly good air all around you to breathe). It can keep you up at night or it can wake you up in the middle of the night with no hopes of falling back asleep. It can keep you awake for days, depriving you of sleep, causing a ghostly appearance. It can do all of these evil things, and Taylor perfectly explained them here.

“And all my heroes die all alone/Help me hold onto you.”

A fear that my anxiety personally stems from is dying alone, so that’s why this line hits me hard. She doesn’t want to die alone. But she’s lost so many people. She needs him (assuming Joe) to help her hold onto him because she doesn’t want to die all alone.

“They see right through me/Can you see right through me?”

“They” can be referring to us, the fans, or it can be the media. Either way, the way she sings these lines only leads me to believe she doesn’t mean it in a positive way. It almost reminds me of Imposter Syndrome, where you’re always afraid you’re going to be found out. (Wikipedia describes it as “a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud".”) That you’re not really who everyone thinks you are, or even who you think you are. And she’s worried that Joe can see right through her, can see that she’s not really who everyone says, or that she’s not as sweet as everyone thinks, or as loving, or as creative or intelligent. She thinks “they” see right through her, and she worries if he can, too.

“I see right through me.”

This has to be my favorite line from the entire song. This really rings true with Imposter Syndrome that I just mentioned. She sees right through herself. And the way she practically screams this line hurts my heart because I hear the exact emotion she’s feeling. I’ve felt it before, standing in front of my mirror at God-awful hours in the night. I see through myself. I don’t think I’m as smart or kind or talented or creative as everyone around me says I am. I see right through me. Right through me.

“All the king’s horses/All the king’s men/Couldn’t put me together again.”

These lines are from the English nursery rhyme “Humpty Dumpty” (I knew I recognized them somewhere!). And if you remember the story, Humpty fell from the wall. Shattered his shell as he hit the ground. The king’s horses and men couldn’t make Humpty who he was before. She’s saying she fell, shattered as she hit the ground, and no one could put her back together again, no one could make her who she used to be (“I’d like to be my old self again/but I’m still trying to find it”) no matter how hard they tried.

“‘Cause all of my enemies/started out friends/Help me hold onto you.”

This shows more of the worry of good turning bad. All of her enemies used to be her friends, or who she thought were her friends. They used to have good times, and then it all changed. But she doesn’t want that to happen with Joe. She wants him to stay good (let’s be honest, we all know he will; he’s an angel), she doesn’t want him to be another friend turned enemy. She wants to hold onto him and the good thing they have going.

“Who could stay? You could stay.”

This is the most touching turning point in the song. She’s asking herself that famed question. Who would want to stay? Who would want this? And then she’s remembering. Joe has stayed. He could stay. He could be the one to stay. All this time she’s been asking who, and it’s been you (him).

Alright, that is my line-by-line analysis. Just a reminder that this is all entirely my own speculation. The beauty of songwriting is that songs can be open to so many different interpretations, this is just what I hear when I listen to it xx.

[she-who-the-river-could-not-hold]

100 Questions!

Tagged by the wonderful @janes-mike, @caseyk112, and @el-and-hop! Thank you!!

1. What is your nickname? People call me Kat and Kath usually! The Kath originally was just an online nickname but then my boyfriend’s coworker called me it this weekend so it’s an official one now! I just let people decide if they want to use a nickname I always go by my full name otherwise

2. How old are you? 23! I turn 24 in less than a month though yikes

3. What is your birth month? July!

4. What is your zodiac sign? sun sign: cancer, moon sign: aries

5. What is your favorite color? black

6. What’s your lucky number? eh I don't really have one

7. Do you have any pets? sadly no, but my parents have a cat and a dog back home!

8. Where are you from? Idaho

9. How tall are you? 5' 6"

10. What shoe size are you? 9

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I don't even know it's a lot lol

12. Are you random? I am such a creature of habit it's actually absurd

13. Last person you texted? my parents!

14. Are you psychic in any way? the closest I've gotten was having a dream about my teeth rotting only to go to the dentist to find out I was having issues with my gums

15. Last TV show watched? idk if I watched TV this past week? probably Altered Carbon or the 100

16. Favorite movie? IMPOSSIBLE. Potential answers are Mad Max: Fury Road or Gone Girl

17. Favorite show from your childhood? Idk the name of it but there was a show hosted by Michelle Trachtenberg where she talked about haunted places? or one called "Endurance"

18. Do you want children? yes! probably no more than two though

19. Do you want a church wedding? ehhhhh not sure. Not really but also it seems stressful to get married outside. Maybe I'll say fuck it and elope at the Taco Bell Cantina in Vegas where you can get married.

20. What is your religion? theistic agnostic with interest in wicca (and witchcraft but I know that’s not considered a religion usually but more of a spirituality?)

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? not since being born!

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? closest I got was running a stop sign in college but I just got a warning

23. How is life? life is good right now!! really thankful

24. Baths or showers? showers but only because I live in an apartment. My bath tub is tiny af

25. What color socks are you wearing? I'm wearing those footie sock thingies for when you wear slides so like a tan color

26. Have you ever been famous? I guess getting voted to homecoming court in high school counts? pretty sure it was a fluke though I didn't like many people hahah

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? only for the money but so much else of it suckkkkss

28. What type of music do you like? everything pretty much? I suppose I don't listen to country music much but as a whole I listen to a wide variety

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? nope not really my thing

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? I have four on my bed but usually use two

31. What position do you usually sleep in? on my side

32. How big is your house? my apartment is a pretty good size I think for being in the city, it’s a two bedroom/two bath condo 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? a protein bar or toast!

34. Have you ever left the country? yes!

35. Have you ever tried archery? I might have at church camp once but I don’t really remember if I was good at it, I’d love to do it at a renaissance fair sometime!

36. Do you like anyone? I do and luckily he likes me too! three years and strong

37. Favorite swear word? fuck, it works for so many things. ass clown. bastards.

38. When do you fall asleep? usually around 11-11:30, I’d love to make that earlier

39. Do you have any scars? a couple leftover from the chicken pox!

40. Sexual orientation? straight

41. Are you a good liar? depends on what I’m trying to lie about

42. What languages would you like to learn? I used to be able to speak German so I’d love to get back into that! And then Spanish since I think that’s important as a person in the United States and I hate how bad I am at it

43. Top 10 songs? REFUSING TO ANSWER THIS

44. Do you like your country? Hmmmmmmmmmm. Yes and no. Currently our worst aspects are hella on display and I hate a lot of it. But I also enjoy living here since it’s where I’ve grown up and I’m interested in helping improve it. But obviously thanks to current politics I’m pretty angry about the state of things.

45. Do you have friends from the web? Oh man I’ve made so many friends on Tumblr in the last year! so yes I do!

46. What is your personality type? creative, type A

47. Hogwarts House? Slytherin

48. Can you curl your tongue? yep! just the hot dog style though not the clover thing

49. Pick one fictional character you can relate to? Hermione Granger 100%

50. Left or right handed? right, though I can sorta write with my left hand since I tried to train myself how to do it in high school

51. Are you scared of spiders? oh my god yes

52. Favorite food? ahhhhh. Maybe BBQ (South Carolina style) or Tex-Mex

53. Favorite foreign food? Probably Italian followed by German

54. Are you a clean or messy person? v messy but I’m really really really trying to get better

55. If you could switch your gender for a day, what would you do? go out at night and not be afraid. enjoy having pockets.

56. What color underwear? uhh blue? I think?

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? if it’s a normal morning, Usually an hour. I’ll start showering around 7:30ish and then I’m usually dressed and ready by 8:30-40ish.

58. Do you have much of an ego? In some regards yes, in some no. I’m extremely confident in my work and what I put out there, but when it comes to myself as a person I have zero ego hahaha. Very far from it.

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? I wait to bite until it’s nearly gone!

60. Do you talk to yourself? I mean internally yeah? but that’s just thinking right? so yes?

61. Do you sing to yourself? mmm not really. I’ll drunkenly sing but not a lot no

62. Are you a good singer? NOPE LOLOLOLOL

63. Biggest Fears? failure, not accomplishing my goals

64. Are you a gossip? I try not to be but I’m susceptible to it

65. Are you a grammar nazi? I used to be a lot worse but for the most part I’ve relaxed, unless it’s at work

66. Do you have long or short hair? I have medium length hair on the shorter end!

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? it took me ages to find a quiz that didn’t have a map with it but I was able to get 41/50 from memory in 4 minutes!

68. Favorite school subject? always was Art and English which has worked out pretty well!

69. Extrovert or Introvert? extrovert! to the fullest of the definition 

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? nope! probably won’t because that shit sounds terrifying to me

71. What makes you nervous? the idea of failing, disappointing people I love

72. Are you scared of the dark? kinda? a bit of the unknown aspect of it

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? yessssss 

74. Are you ticklish? terribly so but I’ve found the older you get the less people try to tickle you THANK GOD I will fight anyone that touches me

75. Have you ever started a rumor? not to my knowledge

76. Have you ever been out of your home country? yes!

77. Have you ever drank underage? Yep! though only a year or so off from the legal age

78. Have you ever done drugs? nope! I don’t think briefly smoking a cigarette, cigar, and hookah thing once each really count. Smoking is even a dramatic way to described it. Puffed a couple times and passed it off because meh.

79. What do you fantasize about? having enough money to be able to live in the place I want and have it furnished like I want, be able to travel everywhere, pay back my parents for everything they’ve helped me with, spoil the shit out of people, being able to donate to as many charities and creators that I can

80. How many piercings do you have? none! closed up my earlobes in middle school

81. Can you roll your R’s? I’m so hilariously bad at this it’s impossible for me

82. How fast can you type? I think last time I tested myself I did 90 wpm and 76 if I was typing on my phone

83. How fast can you run? not fast at all but I’m working on it

84. What color is your hair? brown

85. What color are your eyes? brown

86. What are you allergic to? nothing! unless it’s bullshit

87. Do you keep a journal? Tumblr count? otherwise nope

88. Are you depressed about anything? If I think too long about how we’re not doing anything about this planet, the lack of interest in gun control from our legislators, or the deaths in the Middle East that are at the fault of the US (intentionally or by us ignoring those who need help) I feel really helpless and sad. But nah not really. 

89. Do you like your age? 23 is... chill. I think I’ve got until 25 to panic.

90. What makes you angry? EVERYTHING. Incompetent coworkers who don’t respect my job or process. Republicans across the board and a shit ton of establishment Democrats. That our Earth is dying. How people in this city don’t hold doors open for anyone. Wars that we support or won’t get out of or turn our cheeks to (as a nation). My inability to actually take care of myself/my laziness.

91. Do you like your own name? Yeah it’s cool! I like it more now I think. I also like old-fashioned sounding names.

92. Did you ever get a foreign object up your nose? I can’t speak for my very younger self but not that I can remember

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? I’d be fine with either! I’d have to scramble if I had only boys though I have infinitely more “girl” names that I like

94. What talents do you have? graphic design, art, writing, photography, badass houses in the sims (jk I’m okay at it), terrible puns

95. Sun or moon? MOON always

96. How did you get your name? it’s my late grandmother’s name!

97. Are you religious? Not massively, I grew up Lutheran and then went to a couple of different churches. Went through a hard atheist phase in middle school. Now I’m most comfortable identifying with the term agnostic theistic since long story short I’m not against the concept of a higher being, I believe things happen for a reason, I’ve always believed in energies, which can be connected to meditation and praying. I’m currently researching wicca and witchcraft though I’m probably far off from identifying with either of those. Oops that was long I have a lot of thoughts.

98. Have you ever been to a therapist? I haven’t actually, though considered one in high school for a brief amount of time.

99. Color of your bedspread? white with black flowers and green petals!

100. Color of your room? white walls since I’m renting

Tagging: @thezoomermax, @dustinhendrsn, @jane-el-hopper, @littledancersun, @sweet-sugar-sunsets, and @the-most-beautiful-broom!

[memedbts]

for the bangtan asks: ALL

we are bulletproof: if you could be any superhero, who would you be and why?

none. i dont like all that marvel/dc crap. actually no, it’s not crap, just not for me...

no more dream: if you woke up tomorrow to be incredibly famous, how would you react?

omg idek tbh. i lowkey feel exposed lmaooo

i like it: if you could reverse any moment in your life, what would that moment be?

idk tbh anything that i said that caused an argument, caused things between me n another person to get awkward, or anything that made people change the way they look at me

n.o: biggest pet peeve?

kids that act older than their age for sure

we on: how do you deal with people who don’t like you?

already answered this lol 

if i ruled the world: what would you do if you found out that you were an heir to a wealthy kingdom?

snatch up that money real quick

coffee: what’s your coffee order?

i dont really drink coffee but @ starbucks, caramel frap, extra whip n caramel

cypher pt. 1: if you had to be part of a kpop group, what position would you want to be (i.e. leader, visual, lead vocal, dancer, rapper, maknae, etc.)

maknae bc i like being the youngest. im the oldest sibling so its nice when i get the be the youngest 

rise of bangtan: when and how did you get into the king and legends, also known as bangtan sonyeondan?

like november of 2016. i was reintroduced to kpop by some of my friends and boy oh boy did they make a good ass decsion

satoori rap: what does home mean to you?

a place where all my friends are and i can be myself

boy in luv: when you are interested in someone (romantically, sexually, etc.), does your behavior change?

already answered this tooooo lol 

just one day: who would you want to spend the last day of your life with?

my family n friends. also bts if they could lmao

tomorrow: goal that you would like to achieve within the next year?

have a glo up HAAAAA

cypher pt. 2: one thing about yourself you wish people would appreciate more?

my personality and my advice. some people dont take it and then i end being right.....

spine breaker: what is your weakness when it comes to spending money?

BTS COMEBACKS HOOOOOOEEEEEE ISTG IF I BECAME RICH ID GO BROKE IN 0.0005 SECONDS

jump: favorite childhood memory?

anytime in preschool bc i had some lit ass friends

miss right: what is your ideal ‘type’?

umm.. funny obviously, i mean i want them to be somewhat attractive, decently smart, similar personality to mine

i like it pt. 2: dream date?

oooof idk i’d have to think about that one

danger: have you ever had a near-death experience?

no oh my god im so grateful that ive never had one

war of hormone: most embarrassing moment?

i fell on my ass in front of this big group of guys lmaooo

hip hop lover: three songs that are meaningful to you?

volume up - 4minute

return to pooh corner - kenny loggins (fight me)

rain - bts

let me know: are you good at keeping secrets?

it depends on who’s secret. if im not super close to them, i wont tell everybody i know, but i’ll most likely tell a few friends ooof. brutally honest lmao

rain: most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?

idek im not that impulsive i guess

cypher pt. 3: favorite outfit to wear?

my off the should pink lace thingy with jean shorts

blanket kick: longest time you’ve spent lying in bed (sleeping or not)?

from like 8 to like the next day. i was dying rip

24/7 = heaven: what are you most looking forward to?\

next year volleyball and kpop club

look here: do you have any hidden talents?

no rip

second grade: proudest accomplishment?

3.96 gpa

i need u: are you in love?

nah

hold me tight: does physical contact comfort you?

it depends what kind of physical contact

love is not over: ever had your heart broken?

nope

dead leaves: how loyal are you?

100%

move: last time you cried?

yesterday

butterfly: most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

bts existing

run: do you like traveling? if so, where? what’s your dream vacation?

yes! honestly like hawaii or something

ma city: if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

hawaii ha im so basic

baepsae: do you vote and/or keep up with politics?

not old enough to vote but when i am, i will. and yeah i guess. im not like SUPER into politics but i know for the most part whats going on. i think ill pay more attention when i can actually vote.

dope: what did you want to be when you were younger? how does it compare to what you want to be now?

i wanted to be an actress. now ive realized im not cut out for that. 

fire: are you a spontaneous person?

it depends on who im with but like not really

save me: your favorite place on earth?

my room tbhhh

young forever: what is one movie from your childhood that you will always treasure?

idek just like the childhood show movies that they made

boys with fun: you’re going on a roadtrip with seven other people– dead, alive, fictional, real, famous, or not. who are they, and why?

yall already know who im bout to pick with 7 people lmao

converse high: how many pairs of shoes do you own?

not exaclty sure, also not about to get up n count. but probably around 10. but i only wear about like 3 or 4

whalien 52: weirdest thing that has ever happened to you? alternatively, weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

this was real. i was walking my dog and this guy with nothing with underwear on was standing outside on the porch screaming. mind you, i lived in a nice/decent neighborhood. 

house of cards: when was the last time you felt sexy?

NONE 

boy meets evil: have you ever committed a crime? if so, what was it? alternatively, what is the worst thing you have ever done?

never committed a crime. imma good child lmao. but the worst thing ive ever done was call someone from my friend from nz and for 50 minutes and cost my dad, $200 lolllllll

blood, sweat, & tears: kinkiest kink you have?

um. im not there yet sweetie

begin: who are you most grateful for in your life?

my parents and my friend group from where i used to live

lie: biggest fear?

spiders n death

stigma: would you rather know the date of your death or the cause of your death?

cause bc then i can prevent it possibly

first love: do you believe in soulmates?

i guess

reflection: if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

get into bts earlier

mama: are you good at giving advice?

yeah i am

awake: if you had to be a flower, which flower would you be?

pansies bc they’re my grandma’s favorite

lost: how good are you with directions? do you get lost easily?

i dont lost easily unless people are distracting me

cypher pt. 4: what do you do to treat yourself or relax?

i do face masks, add some extra steps to my skin care

am i wrong: you wake up one morning in the hospital, knowing only your name and a single memory from your life. what is that memory?

a memory where im reflecting on all of my memories. HA 

21st century girls: do you prefer texting, calling, or video chatting?

depends on with who

2!3!: your favorite thing about bangtan?

their personalities

spring day: who do you miss right now?

my old friend group.

not today: what are you procrastinating right now?

this project for agriculture and natural resources oop 

wings: on airplanes, do you prefer the window seat, the middle seat, or the aisle seat?

when we first take off, aisle, but as i get comfortable in the air, i can do window

you never walk alone: how many people do you trust with your life?

my old friend group and my parents.

[foundcarcosa]

cccxxvii.

What would you change about yourself if you could? >> I... don’t know. I don’t know, really. I know there are some things I wish I had a better time dealing with, but it’s difficult to name what those things are. And just about all of the things about myself that give me problems are trauma responses, in which case changing the behaviour or the thought process without addressing the root cause would just be putting more bandages on a deep wound that requires surgical attention. Who is your hero? >> Hmm. What really makes you angry? >> I’m not terribly in touch with anger, since it’s an infrequent occurrence and kind of... random, when it does happen. Responses of mine that I used to think were angry ones are usually just overstimulation/meltdown responses, not actually anger. So. IDK. If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be? >> My days all belong to me, so I don’t know what I could imagine differently from what I already do. Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why? >> Hawaii, because the weather would be more agreeable. I think Alaska is amazing, I’m just not as equipped for that climate.

How would your friends describe you? >> I would rather let them describe me than attempt to read their minds. If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be? >> I would rather not. What would you do if you won the lottery? >> Hmm. What’s the tallest building you’ve been to the top in? >> One World Trade Center, aka one of the great nonhuman loves of my life. What’s your favorite zoo animal? >> I don’t know, I rarely go to the zoo. If you were a superhero, what powers would you have? >> Matter manipulation, which really just covers it all. How many pillows do you sleep with? >> One. What is the most daring thing you’ve ever done? >> When I was eighteen, knowing nothing of the true and full nature of the world, I fell in love with a drug addict (in a feeble attempt at self-defense, I didn’t know he was one until I was already in love with him), and I lived with him, and I risked money and life to keep him alive. When our living arrangement fell through, I picked myself up and moved to New York City, alone, with no real money to speak of but with enough precious teenage stupidity to not crumble under the weight of impossibility or despair. --Or maybe it was a combination: of precious teenage stupidity and having already learned that life was constant struggle, and not realising that I could want anything different. Either way, Tommy died a few months later, I figured out the layout of the entire city and its subway system, and homelessness became my default state of being for the next 10-odd years. What’s your favorite type of foreign food? >> The flavourful kind. Is your glass half full or half empty? >> Whatever was in the glass, I already drank it. What was your favorite subject in school? >> --- What is the most unusual thing you’ve ever eaten? >> From a USian perspective, I guess shark or octopus. Do you collect anything? If so, what? >> No. What was your favorite food when you were a child? >> I don’t know that I had one. What sound do you love? >> Distant traffic through an open window at night. If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be? >> I can’t imagine being any older than I am, and I can’t really remember exactly what it was like to be much younger than this, so that’s difficult to answer. If you could work on only one project for the next year, what would it be? >> --- If you were immortal for a day, what would you do? >> Actually, I’ve been immortal for many days. After all, I didn’t die any of these days, so I was at least temporarily immortal. Only death proves mortality. ;) What fictional place would you most like to go to? >> I’m not sure. They all have their problems, and a lot of them are problems I really don’t want to be in the middle of. What jobs do you think you’d be really good at? >> I like to imagine myself as a bartender, but that’s probably dumb. I was a merch boi for a while and I know I was good at that, so. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on? >> All of them. What would you consider to be your best find? >> Find...? What takes up too much of your time? >> Fear. What do you wish you knew more about? >> I’m fine with my level of knowledge. I learn new things every second, anyway. Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished? >> I don’t know, I’m not really impressed by the accomplishments of people because I generally assume they’re capable of a lot anyway. Most people’s setbacks are self-imposed, and I’m not saying that to invalidate people’s roadblocks or imply that every shitty thing in their life is their fault. Brains just make mountains out of molehills, it’s common for everyone and no one’s exempt from it. What’s something you like to do the old-fashioned way? >> That’s a good question and I know I have an answer for it, but I can’t think of it off the top of my head. What’s your dream car? >> As much as Elon constantly makes me sigh heavily and put my head in my hands, I still want a Tesla. What’s the best thing that happened to you last week? >> Hmm. How different was your life one year ago? >> Sigma lived here, Sparrow worked somewhere else (Meijer?), I was broke as hell because the NOLA trip and Sigma’s idiotic rent blunder bankrupted me, and I hadn’t met Wednesday yet. Where is the most relaxing place you have ever been? >> Hmm. What are you looking forward to in the coming months? >> I’m not sure what’s happening in the coming months. What is one thing you really want but can’t afford? >> To travel. What website do you visit most often? >> This one. What’s special about the place you grew up? >> Elizabeth, New Jersey, is surrounded by refineries and power plants and various other forms of big industry. When people make those jokes about New Jersey smelling bad, it’s actually Elizabeth and surrounding areas that they’re talking about, and it’s all from heavy pollution. (Most of NJ does not smell like Elizabeth. The Garden State is not a misnomer, it’s just that most people don’t see anything but the parts closest to NYC, and miles and miles of Turnpike.) During the time I was born, respiratory problems (among other disorders too, I’d bet) were pretty much expected in newborns (I was an anomaly). I actually knew a lot about Elizabeth because my father lived there for 40 years and is one of those people who will study everything about a place he lives in, but I’ve forgotten a lot seeing as I haven’t lived there since last millennium. What are you absolutely determined to do? >> [re]learn to live without fear of dying. What is the most impressive thing you know how to do? >> Adapt. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received? >> I don’t know. What do you wish your brain was better at doing? >> Processing anxiety. I don’t have any experience in doing that since it’d never been a problem until now, so I’m still figuring it out. Have you ever given to any charities? >> No. What is something that your friends would consider “so you”? >> Trying to seduce aliens or demons or something, probably. What risks are worth taking? >> Living. What do you take for granted? >> I’ve taken everything for granted at least once, like... come on. A constant state of total appreciation is almost impossible to attain. We need our brains for other shit. What makes a good life? >> I don’t know, I’m just trying to live, not worry whether it’s “good” or not. Who’s fuckin counting, anyway? When do you feel truly alive? >> Hm. Have you ever saved someone’s life? >> I don’t know. Maybe indirectly or by some six degrees of separation shit. What are some of the turning points in your life? >> Hm. What’s the title of the current chapter of your life? >> I don’t know. That sort of thing is best figured out in hindsight. All stories are told from either the past or the future, not the present. What mistake do you keep making again and again? >> Whatever it is, I’ll probably make it again tomorrow. What do people think is weird about you? >> That’s not for me to say. What have you created that you are most proud of? >> Xibalba. What’s the best and worst thing about getting older? >> The best thing so far has been just the gaining of experience, and the processing of that experience, and seeing the way experience changes me. The worst thing so far has been the bodily changes -- not appearance-wise or anything, just... the sensitivities and weaknesses the body develops as it ages. They start small, but I’m sure they’ll only pile up as time goes on. Hopefully my ability to adapt holds fast. What genre would a book about your life be? >> That kind of liminal space between a fiction book and a biography. What lifestyle change have you been meaning to make for a while now? >> Hm. What food have you never eaten but would really like to try? >> I can’t think of anything right now. Where do you get most of your decorations for your home? >> This place isn’t very decorated in the first place. It’s mostly just stuff Sparrow brought over from her previous dwellings. Which celebrity do you think is the most down to earth? >> I wouldn’t know. Do you think that aliens exist? >> Sure, why not. What mythical creature do you wish actually existed? >> They all exist. What’s your cure for hiccups? >> I don’t have one. I haven’t had hiccups that lasted for longer than a few minutes. If you could visit any famous world monument, which one would you visit? >> I don’t know. Any of them, I’d imagine. Angkor Wat looks really neat. Macchu Picchu? Cristo Redentor? Mount Kilimanjaro? The world’s full of wonders. What outdoor activity haven’t you tried, but would like to? >> I think I’ve tried the ones I’m interested in already. I just want to do them again. When was the last time you slept more than nine hours? >> I don’t remember. 

[ynibytina]

Meet Evan Welcher!!!

With the recent passing of my Grandpa Peterson, I thought now would finally be a good time to put up an interview I did a while back with my friend, Evan Welcher since it also deals with death. I met Evan on Twitter through his twin brother, Steele, who happens to be the resident life manager of the dorms at WITCC (where I recently graduated from college). Evan is the senior pastor of First Christian Church in Glenwood, Iowa. In the last five years or so, Evan's been on quite a roller coaster ride of emotions, but that hasn't stopped him from trying to make a smile on other peoples faces. He went from the extreme happiness of meeting and then marrying his lovely wife, Danielle, (whom he refers to as "My Resplendent Bride"), to the agonizing sorrow of her cancer and death. To learn more about Evan and his new journey through life, please check out his personal Twitter, Instagram, or website.

People Who Inspire You: My Resplendent Bride, Rich Mullins, John Stott.

Favorite Bible Story: The parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32).

Favorite Bible Verse: John 11:25.

Favorite Musician: Rich Mullins.

Favorite Movie: Lady In The Water.

Favorite Books: Too many to list!

Favorite Color: Yellow.

Favorite Holiday: Thanksgiving.

Mac or PC: Mac.

Twitter or Facebook: Twitter.

Blackberry or iPhone: iPhone.

Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate.

Winter or Summer: Summer.

Pancakes or Waffles: Waffles.

Math or Science: Science Fiction.

Past, Present, or Future: Future.

Have you always wanted to become a preacher?

What made me want to be a preacher was the way God comes down into human history and saves fallen, broken, messed up people like me. When Jesus saved me I said to myself, "I have to spend the rest of my life telling people about this Jesus!" He is the only God who gives up His life for His people instead of the other way around.

I did not happen to grow up in a church-going family, but I did, in my totally biased opinion, grow up in the best family. God saved me when I was 16. At the time I wore a lot of black and was rather unpleasant to be around. I was a committed atheist and my world view was hostile to religion in general organized or otherwise. A friend of mine had become a Christian the summer of my 16th year, and when school resumed had been annoyingly faithful at telling me all about Jesus. She invited me to Church often. I always refused invitations and for my part, faithfully mocked her. One night I had a dream in which Jesus saved me from my wretched self. I awoke the next day perplexed and annoyed. I wondered if I had eaten a bad taco the night before. Nonetheless, despite my attempts to brush off and rationalize the dream...it stayed with me. Yes, it gnawed at my pompous faith in my intellect. I began running through the practical ramifications of being wrong about the existence of God. My atheism was based upon the shaky foundation of me assuming there was no God because I had never experienced God in my short life. I wagered that if there was a God He would not take kindly to the immense ungratefulness exhibited by of one of His creations going around telling His other creations that the Creator was, in fact, a fairy tale. My friend invited me to church again, and I went. The gospel (Good News) was explained to me and for the first time, I believed that God was real, and, that I was alienated from Him because of my own sin, and furthermore that all that stuff about the Cross was Jesus dying in my place so that I, even I, as undeserving as I am, might be declared righteous, and forgiven. Through no goodness or wisdom of my own, I believed that night. Faith was God's gift to me on that October evening. He bids us all to come to die with Him that we might live with Him. I love how just God is, because He won't turn anybody away.

When did you find out that your wife had cancer? How did you react to the diagnosis?

My Resplendent Bride had been coughing for several months. We went to the Dr. and they thought it was anything from her asthma acting up to pneumonia. However after several weeks without improvement they did an X-Ray and saw the baseball-sized mass in her anterior mediastinum. The mass was situated between her lungs right next to her heart. It was pushing against her lungs making it difficult to breathe. We later learned it was lymphoma, which is a blood cancer. We were sad because we both had seen the pain: cancer caused in our parent's lives. Her father had fought against brain tumors for many years, and my mother died from lung cancer.

I held my Danielle in my arms and we wept together: for the fight ahead, for the fears we harbored, for our unborn children. We were keenly aware of the fight ahead of us, but we also purposed in our hearts to trust in God's sovereignty. We believed that God is in control of all our lives and that nothing merely happens by coincidence.

A verse we clung to was Isaiah 41:10, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

My Resplendent Bride fought cancer like the woman of grace that she was for nearly two years. During that time her lymphoma came back twice and morphed into leukemia. She went home to be with her Savior (John 14) May 3, 2014, dying from complications of a failed bone marrow transplant.

I have never known anyone like her. She was the love of my life. She is the best person I have ever known. God gave her to me for less than 3 years, but oh, the mark she left on my soul is indelible. Danielle was a woman who had yielded herself to her Lord as much as a human can. She was a missionary to S. Sudan, a teacher, a daughter, a friend to more people than I can count, and my Resplendent Bride. It is not cliche of me to write that her love changed me in ways that I can not fully comprehend or explain. True love has a way of doing that.

Is there anything that we can be praying about for you?

Please be praying for me as I mourn the loss of my Resplendent Bride. The Bible says that two become one in the covenant of marriage (Ephesians 5:22-33). There is something mysteriously powerful about marriage that I fear may be lost on many today. When someone is widowed they have spiritually been torn in two. The beauty of Christ is that He shall put us all back together again.

Many of the people we walk past and ignore everyday are virtual walking Humpty Dumpty's marching along in a daze. The people of God are tasked with waiting with the broken while rescue comes. This is God's beautiful design for the Church.

How do you turn such negative events in your life into positive ones?

I am thankful that it is not up to me to bring good from evil. God is always working (Romans 8), and it is enough for me to know that He is good, knows what He is doing, and has not forgotten His little lambs.

What does a normal day in your life look like now?

I wake up and drink in the coffee as well as tidings of distant lands that transpired while I slumbered (the news). If people are lucky, I take a shower (people are always lucky). Then I head off to my study at the church building and work on whatsoever needs working on! I believe God does powerful things through the proclamation of His word to His saints (don't you love how the Bible calls Christ's Bride "Saints"? That proves our righteousness comes not from ourselves but for Him!) so I spend a good portion my week writing Sunday's sermon.

If you could preach about any topic or Bible story on a Sunday, what would it probably be about and why?

My favorite thing to preach on is the forgiveness of sins, which is inseparable from the Cross of Christ. The banner we dwell under reads, "Christ Crucified For Sinners". The best thing about the Gospel is that it is not about us, it's about Him. The world has enough people who are really into themselves. The cool thing about God is that He knows our frame, that we are but dust. He knows we dustlings are fragile, broken, and rough around the edges. He also knows that we are battered, bedraggled, broken things looking for shelter. If you think you need to have all your stuff together before God will have anything to do with you: you have never heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

How would you describe your style of preaching? Also, why should people come to your church?

I don't yell at people. I don't beat the sheep.

I preach through books of the Bible, verse by verse. At First Christian Church we believe 2 Timothy 3:16, "All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness."

Preaching through entire books ensures that the Church gets a steady diet of God's revelation in the proportions the Holy Spirit doles out. When a guy is just doing topical series after topical series there runs the risk of the people of God only hearing the preacher man's hobby horses.

First Christian Church is an independent church trying to do things as much as the New Testament Church did as we can figure out. We admit that we are only human, and that the first century was a long time ago, but we think there are some clear hints in the New Testament about what the Church should look and feel like. At the same time, we deeply value the contributions of our brothers and sisters in Christ have made to the global church over the last 2,000 years. Tradition is not a dirty word.

What do you like to do in your spare time?

I read, lift weights, bike, write, and try to figure out woodworking!

What are five things that most people don’t know about you?

I am painfully shy.

I throw tomahawks.

I don't have all the answers, but I know the one who does.

I am a sinner/saint.

I am rooting for them.

What’s the best part of being a pastor and why?

The best part of being a pastor chooses to use us to accomplish His goodwill, and that goes for all His children.

[emilyofjane]

Wilford Warfstache’s (defunct) Origins

Here guys, have this origin story I had written about Wilford Warfstache before Who Killed Markiplier happened and ripped all our hearts out.

—

I don't believe I need to introduce myself – I mean, I AM Wilford Warfstache, after all. You've obviously heard of me before: AFC news, channel 8, on the hit talk show "Warfstache Tonight"? You probably remember my illustrious interviews with the fallen Slender Man, the phone guy from Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, and even the world-famous Markiplier! I know, I know, amazing, right? I told my producer I deserved that pay raise...

But, believe it or not, I was not always the world-renowned, hard-hitting journalist you see before you. No, no, no...even Wilford Warfstache had to start somewhere! So sit back, relax, and let Ol' Warfy tell you the story of how he became the hot-shot news reporter he is today.

You see, all my life I wanted to be a writer. I would spend my childhood days locked up in my studies, writing anything and everything that came to mind; I guess you can say The Host and I are similar in that regard. But unlike The Host, who focused on writing fiction and fantasy, I wrote about the truth. The big secrets, the elephants in the room, the news no brave soul would ever dare to speak out loud – that's the kind of story I wanted to tell. This burning desire to bring the truth to others is what inspired me to become a journalist.

Soon I was spending my time watching AFC News, analyzing every reporter to come on the air, studying their every move. I began to practice my own reporting skills, working on my alluring announcer voice that's everyone's come to know and love. I even did a few tricks to make my mustache grow in pink, just so I could stand out as a reporter – I would go into more details on that, but I think that's a story best saved for another time.

Yes, I was ready for the big time, just counting down the days until I turned 18 and could begin my internship at AFC News. I already had my whole life planned out, at that point: land the internship, rise through the ranks, study under the best of the best at AFC news, and eventually become a reporter. From there I'd start small as a simple news anchor, silently working my way up to my own primetime TV spot! I'd bring in sensational stories, guest speakers from all over the world, and the name "Wilford Warfstache" would be known in every household on the planet. Then, after about 30 years of reporting, I'd retire an accomplished man, and I'd spend my golden years in Jamaica eating cotton candy and watermelon for the rest of my days. I really had it all figured out.

But then, when that day finally came...the war began.

It's still a bit rough for me to talk about, even all these years later. I was one of the first men to get drafted. I saw horrible things during that war – horrible, horrible things that you can never truly forget. This war was far worse than anything that's happened in this dimension. We're talking whole civilizations wiped out, whole countries blown off the map, millions upon millions of innocent people gone within days. It changes you, for better or worse.

But this story isn't about the war and how I watched countless men fall before me. It's about after the fact, years after the war had ended. I was never really the same after all that happened. I couldn't write like I used to – something about it just made me relive those memories over and over again. I never got that internship with AFC because of it. Suddenly my future didn't seem so clear to me anymore, and for awhile, I was just...lost. I drifted from job to job, city to city, trying and failing to find that burning desire that extinguished itself long ago.

I was looking everywhere to try and find the spark that I lost, the spark that writing once gave me but now could no longer provide. I tried a few drugs, I shoplifted a few times, I slept around with woman after woman...nothing worked. No matter what I did, the ghosts of all the people that died in that war still haunted me.

Then, one day, I just snapped.

I remember it was during this one-night stand with some married woman named...um...huh...well, let's just call her Kathy, for the story's sake. Anywho, Kathy – quite the charmer, by the way, that much I do remember – and I were having a wonderful evening, and for the first time, I almost felt something. Not love, but peace at mind. I didn't think about the war at all when I was with her, and for the first time in years my head felt almost clear enough to write again. But then...he showed up.

He was an intruder, a threat, an enemy in my eyes. It didn't matter whether he came into the bedroom with a bouquet of roses or a grenade – this scene made all too many memories come flashing back. I blacked out for a moment; I don't remember what I said, what I did, or even what I was thinking. All I remember is the sounds that I heard: the screaming, the gunshots, the bark of a dog, and the crying of a baby in the distance. Next thing I knew, I had a search warrant and 3 cases of homicide on my head.

So I ran from the police for awhile, yada yada yada, and I buried the evidence, blah blah blah. I knew that baby I left alive would blab to the authorities, crying like the little baby he literally was. But that didn't bother me. None of that bothered me. The only thing that kept eating away at me was the guilt, not only from this but from every life I'd taken since that bloody war. I didn't know what to make of myself anymore. Did I really have no self-control?

Eventually, the police caught up to me, and it led to some ridiculous chase that somehow involved sassy music and Officer Ned dancing in his underwear. But anywho! There I was in an intense standoff with officer whats-his-face, bullets flying fast and mustache hair flying even faster. Then, outta nowhere, this bullet came flying up and hit me right in the hip. And guess where that bullet came from? None other than that good-for-nothing baby.

I felt myself stumbling to the ground, my vision fading, and for a moment I wasn't sure whether I'd live or die. I heard some muffled screams, and I could've sworn I heard this loud ringing sound. Then again, it may have just been my imagination; I was dying, after all. The last thing I saw was a man glaring down at me, a man with piercing red eyes...

When I finally awoke, I recognized those eyes: Darkiplier. He had picked off those police officers before they could haul me off to the slammer, and he had dragged my body down to his humble abode. Now, I hadn't even met the man before this point; I heard his name in passing, but nothing more. So when I saw his face for the first time, I was...shocked. This didn't look like the face of a rescuer, a good samaritan, or anyone who would save me from the brink of death. This looked like the face of death, itself. But for some reason, I wasn't afraid of him. Whether it was because I knew death all too well from past experiences, or something else, I'll never know. All I knew was that this man had saved my life.

He told me never to mention this to anyone – whoops – and in return, he'd give me anything I wanted. It could be fame, glory, power – power being his specialty – but I didn't want any of these. All I wanted was for this nightmare I was living to end. I wanted to stop seeing the ghosts of all the people I killed everywhere I went. So I told him this, and he did it. He ripped out my sense of conscience, that voice of guilt that nagged me everywhere I went. The line between good and bad disappeared permanently for me, but I no longer cared. I no longer felt guilt, remorse, or fear. And I think it turned out all right! I mean, nothing bad's come out of the deal.

Then again, I wouldn't be able to tell in the first place...

...Anywho! I finally was able to write again, and it was all a Cinderella story from there. I landed the internship, got the job as a news reporter, and finally earned my own TV spot, just like I had always wanted. Sure, there have been a few bumps in the road (I'm talking to you, you big guy in the stupid vest), but I wouldn't change anything for the world.

After all, I'm Wilford Warfstache, and I don't take shit from anyone – not back then, not now, and never again.

[neewtmas]

100 questions

Thanks to @giraffingthetardis i sat here for 2 hours answer all this questions     (but don’t worry, it was fun^^) 

#1- does the darkness comfort you?   depends. in my room in my bed it’s ok, but at every other place i’m nearly dying of fear .  

#2-what brings you crashing to the floor? not much, actually i can’t think of anything right now                   

#3angels or demons? angels

#4- God or Satan? yes, i just said angels, but i’m more for satan

#5- would you sit on the moon and watch the universe twirl quietly, even       if you couldn’t breathe? yes! even it would be fun only for like 20 secs?

#6- what scares you most in the world? darkness and heights

#7- can we always be there for one another? of course

#8- I feel like I’m dying… Can I talk to you? yes! don’t hesitate, i’m here

#9- being blind or being deaf? idk, like i love music but i love reading more and it would be terrible for me to live in darkness forever so i would rather be deaf

#10- what song makes your heart pound the most? idk... just every song by ed sheeran

#11- do you wish on stars? do you mean shooting stars? bc i would,but i’ve never seen one :/

#12- what were you doing last night at 1:03 am? sleeping?

#13- the happiest, most golden moment of my life? tbh, i don’t know. like there are many happy moments, moments where i’m just thankful for everything i have (ik i’m a cheesy potato) but i can’t think of the most happy one? i guess i couldn’t do a patronus .-. 

#14- the worst, most positively crushing moment of my life? didn’t had one yet

#15- if you had to choose between your mother and your father, who would you choose? oh god. idk maybe my mother? 

#16- ask me anything ok random fact: i love eating pomegranates, but everytime i make one, the kitchen looks like i slaughtered a pig afterwards

#17- salt or sugar? sugar

#18- death by water or fire? idk i think fire bc you get unconscious by all the smoke first or later by the pain and won’t feel anything, also i hate the feeling of drowing

#19- if you could have a degree in anything, what would it be? idk

#20- black or white? ….assuming I don’t like grey both, but rather black?

#21- the thing/person I want to stay safe and happy and comforted in this world? everyone i like

#22- if you could have the superpower of flight, invisibility, or mind-reading, which would you choose? invisibility, i think it would be really interesting to see how people act when you’re not around

#23- is music something you could not live without? i love music... but i could live without it if it would really necessary

#24- favorite flower my dear? roses

#25- why dragons? why not?

#26- ice cream in winter? Or possibly hot chocolate in the summer? hot chocolate in summer, i’m not the biggest fan of ice cream

#27- what’s your sexuality? heterosexual

#28- do you dream in black and white or color? luckily in colour, i think dreams in black and white would be really scary

#29- nights full of nightmares? nope

#30- what was the voice in your head saying at 2 am? idk, i was sleeping #31- okay…. Why don’t you hate the thorns on a rose? idk, it’s a part of the rose i guess? also, i like this thought -beautiful, but hard to touch if you don’t treat it careful

#32- do you trust me? yes 

#33- most cared for song at the moment? kitchen sink by twenty one pilots,i just love the lyrics

#34- worst injury? one time i fell off a horse and it stepped accidentally on my right shin - nothing bad happened but it hurted very much

#35- bath or shower? shower

#36- color you love the most? blue, black and white

#37- anonymous question ok, another fun fact: plants hate me,like i just have tolook at them and they already die .-.

#38- another way to wish not using 11:11, dandelion blooms, or even the fairy you thought you saw…? nope

#39- do you ever stare at the sky and look for those weird shapes in the clouds? yes! all the time, especially when i’m sitting in class

#40- a really weird something I like to eat in a weird way ok it’s not a weird something, but at our school you can buy this chocolate crossiants with a little chocolate bar in the middle, and i always eat the dough at the outside first, then the yummy pastry on the inside and then the chocolate bar, instead of just eat the whole thing like evrey other normal human being

#41- Lamborghini or Corvette? ok, i had to google it, and for me it looks pretty much the same, but i think i like corvette more

#42- when did I have my first kiss? Boy or girl? i didn’t had my first kiss yet (and i’ll die lonely with 30 cats)

#43- most listened to genre?  idk what genre this is, but i mostly listen to twenty one pilots, Ed Sheeran and Fall out boy #44- Jack Frost or Iron Man? Jack Frost ( is it possible to have a a crush on an animated character??)

#45- are shorts and a tank-top an optional outfit for you today? nope, bc first, i’m fat and second, it’s freezing cold outside right know

#46- will you be speaking to anyone you hate today? i won’t be speaking to anyone today

#47- nachos or pizza??? pizza pizza piiiiizzza

#48- is my life what I thought it might be like nope, bc i’m the most lazy person on this planet, even if i don’t want to

#49- thing I am the most proud of accomplishing? idk, i don’t have accomplish many things by now

#50- ask me a question concerning intimacy i’ll just skip this question lol

#51- piano or guitar? piano

#52- tell me something about yourself, my follower, please :) ok another fun fact: i can’t sleep longer than 10 am

#53- rather a mad world? Or an insane universe? insane universe

#54- are you that girl that sits alone on her roof at night? no, bc i’m that girl that is too afraid of falling down to sit at her roof at night or any other time

#55- I wrote this question at 3:59 in the morning, listening to Mad World by Jasmine Thompson: do you like hummingbirds? yes! i even drew one for my phone case

#56- is 1 (one) a unit or a number? a number

#57- glorious fireworks on a dark beach with your thoughts? Or swimming in the rain with your lover? i would love swimming in the rain with my lover - only problem: i don’t have one

#58- tattoo? What would it be? i don’t have one, but i think of a little moon or stars on the inside of my right wrist

#59- natural shade of your hair?  dark brown

#60- color of your eyes? oh thats interesting. hazel, and when i’m standing in the shadow, they’r brown, in the sun green, with the sun directly in my eyes somewhat green, light brown and and a hint of gold and with normal light they look mostly like a duck had just shit in my eyes .-.

#61- the thing you regret the most? don’t have one

#62- would you break a heart if it helped someone else? depends on who it would help

#63- do you ever wish you hadn’t kissed a past friend/lover/acquaintance? i never kissed a past friend/lover/acquaintance

#64- the most violent/brutal/inhuman thing you’ve ever done? i never did something like this, i’m a walking sunshine :)

#65- would I hug again, my most recent lover? maybe

#66- would I kiss the lips of my last kiss? maybe not

#67- who was the last soul to see you cry idk that’s long ago, but i guess my best friend

#68- have you ever looked into the eyes of someone who was about to die… And you didn’t even know it? if so, i don’t know it today either

#69- do you ever wear your clothes in a uncomfortable fit, just to try and reshape the way your body looks?  all the time

#70- have you ever intentionally hurt someone? pysical not, but when i’m really angry at someone, i can get mean and say things i don’t mean but just say because i want to hurt that person

#71- if you could spend the night with anyone, anywhere you wanted, how would you end up? idk, probably one of my favourite fictional characters

#72- butterflies or dragonflies? butterflies

#73- do you enjoy cooking? yes, but i’m the worst cook ever

#74- given the rather unpleasant opportunity, would you wear white to a funeral? yes, if it would fit to the dead person,like if he/she was a hopeful person i would probably do it

#75- have you ever abused drugs/alcohol/people? no never, i’m a good girl

#76- have I ever lay down in a barren field in the middle of a lightning and thunder storm? no luckily not

#77- would you dear, eat a strangers heart? i would eat nobody’s heart, not even the heart of an animal

#78- take the chance to sing in front of 10,000 people, while its snowing? no, because i can’t sing

#79- if “New Zealand” was a French pastry dish, would you eat it? i would try

#80- if “Naples Italy” was a Korean Milkshake, would you drink it? i would try

#81- if “Cardiff Wales” was a star in the universe, do you think you would know that? probably not #82- what happened in your dream/s last night? i forgot it 

#83- tell me who doesn’t deserve the air they breathe? the only person who i can think of is Donald Trump, becuase he stands for everything i absolutely hate, and is basically an asshole

#84- do you speak any foreign languages? english

#85- do you experience anxiety attacks? nope #86- ABCDEFGHIJKPLMNOPQRSRTUVWYXYZ…. do you know the alphabet? yes. and that’s wrong. it’s ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRTUVWXYZ

#87- describe “nucleus” ...

#88- running through the woods at night? Or crawling in the snow at dusk? crawling in the snow

#89- have you ever had a one night stand? Do you regret it? nope, i never had one #90- ask me anything “music” related *skips the question while hearing Young Volcanoes by Fall out boy*

#91- smoke alone, by the water or on your roof in the dark? by the water, but without the smoking part

#92- have you ever kissed a flower, knowing it was someone else’s favorite? ...no?

#93- have you ever sat on a cold bridge… And just waited? nope

#94- when I said “I love you” last… Did I honestly, truthfully and wholly mean it? i never said ‘I love you’ before (at least not in a romantic way, otherwise: yes)

#95- have you ever had a near-death experience? /What happened? no

#96- what do I want more than anything else on the planet/in the world/in the universe? idk

#97- do you put others before yourself, even on bad days? no, i’m a bit selfish from time to time, but i guess that’s important sometimes

#98- what, to me, is an angel? idk, someone who helps you in a situation where you really need it?

#99- what’s the most passionate thing I’ve ever done? idk i can’t think of something

#100- this is not a question, but rather a statement. 

* I want everyone to do me a favor: smile. Find that piece, that glimmer, that twinkle that brings life to you breath. Hold it, love it, don’t let it go. Talk to that person you fell for so long ago… Laugh with them, cry with them. It doesn’t matter, just talk. Get it all off your chest. We all need this. Eat what you want. Fuck society, everyone is beautiful, shape/color/voice/culture/sexuality/habits/ love and hates included. Wear something comfortable. Listen to your favorite song until you’re shouting the lyrics at the world because it feels wonderful. Run outside in the night air and jump up and down in your pajamas like a crazy child because we are human and we are beautiful and we deserve the love no one ever gets. Because we are us, and that is more than okay.

#101- thanks guys