#i’m really glad i still draw and paint sometimes. When the eating disorder got really bad the first time i was just too sick to express

[telogen]

[mental-health-advice]

Submission about struggling in middle school

Hi, I am still only in middle school but I don’t think I’m mentally healthy atm- I am holding back tears everyday, this is my new normal. I only feel okay when I eat, which is a lot.-but then I hate myself I feel ugly, disgusting, smelly just unworthy of existence.-and it’s not just me bc my friends & family have openly said I’m chubby fat whatever, and I eat too much.

I don’t have the motivation to take care of my hygiene either- barely taking showers or clipping my nails (I’m disgusting ik). My parents think I’m gonna get an honour role (a award for students who get above 90% on all subjects) but I’m not paying attention in school and online school is so so so hard and just makes me even LESS motivated.

I’m lazy, fat, have no fashion sense nor clear skin basically I’m ugly af, I procacinate way too much and use up my time just crying or eating bc that’s the only thing I do that makes me feel better.

I used to draw vry vry well, and I can easily say I was better then many even adult artists in comparison of skill. But now that too I have no motivation for. My art looks like shit and I’ve lost my skills, when someone mentions drawing/art around me I begin to breakdown and panic. So I haven’t even touched my sketchbook in 4 months bc it makes me feel like I’m about to have a heart attack and faint from all the negative emotions.

I haven’t been out of my house in awhile but when I do it’s rarely and I feel like 5 mins of escape but then it’s back to sitting at home being a nasty disgusting failure.

I’m only staying alive atm bc once I’m 14 I can start learning how to drive, that’s literally my only motiv to live. But bc of covid I might not be able to and if that’s the case then I’m gonna start counting my days.

I’ve decided after I turn 14 I will kill myself, if nothing changes after I turn 14, if things do though I will continue living.

I just probably need help and even though I’ve hinted MULTIPLE TIMES AND HAVE OPENLY SAID I NEED HELP IM NOT GETTING BETTER, my parents don’t care to do anything so I can’t even get help. I have no privacy either so I wouldn’t be able to call a helpline since they r always watching me. 

It’s like this every damn day and I absolutely hate myself and the world-I hate how messed up the world is-I hate that there’s ppl who hate me for my skin beliefs etc-and I hate myself for it too.

Just any advise for something I can do to get help?

(I’m in Canada btw)

Hey lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling lately! It does sound like your mental health is not at its greatest at the moment. I hope that we can be of help, because you deserve to feel better!

When you’re struggling with your mental health, it’s really common to look for coping mechanisms. Those mechanisms unfortunately aren’t always the healthiest. There are a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms, all unhealthy in its own ways. But it sounds like your coping mechanism has become eating. That’s really common actually! It can range in how severe it is, when it gets more severe it can even turn into an eating disorder, but I just want you to know that you’re not alone! 

The thing with unhealthy coping mechanisms is that, unless you find a new coping mechanism, it’s hard to stop. There are feelings that need coping with so you’re going to keep eating your feelings away, unless you find another way to cope with those feelings. So something that I’d recommend you is to look for a healthy coping mechanism! You can think about journalling, drawing or painting, doing some light exercise or going for a run, etc. 

The fact that you’re not often showering or clipping your nails doesn’t make you disgusting! It just shows that you’re struggling, that’s all. Taking care of your hygiene can be so hard when your mental health is low. It just isn’t the priority and that’s okay. And the same goes for concentrating or paying attention. You’ll find that when your mental health gets better, those things will get better too. 

I understand that it’s so tempting to talk so negatively about yourself. In fact, that is something I do too, so I really get it! But the more you repeat things, the more you start to believe them. And that’s why negative self-talk is so detrimental. So instead of talking so negatively about yourself, try to say positive things about yourself. You don’t have to believe them! That will come over time when you’ve repeated them over and over again. But shifting the way you talk can really change your perspective and can help feel a bit better.

I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t felt up to drawing. Why do you think you panic so much when you think about it? Could it be that you put too much pressure on it, pressure that your drawing has to be good, or something like that? Do you think it would be easier if you sat down and started with drawing something super simple, just to get you back into it. 

I’m glad to hear that right now you’ve got something to stick around for; learning to drive. I definitely hope that you will be able to start doing that, because your life has so much value, even if you don’t see that right now. There are so many reasons to stay, honestly. We have a page with reasons to stay that I hope you can look through. I’d recommend you to make your own list with reasons that apply to you. It usually is best to make that list when you’re feeling relatively okay. Then when you feel bad, you can look it over and it’s not only a reminder that you don’t always feel that bad, it also shows you that there are things worth sticking around for. 

I do agree that it would be good if you could see a professional! Do you parents know about your current struggles? In detail I mean? Sometimes you really need to show how bad things are, before they realise that you need the help. I also think it would be good if you could talk to the school counsellor. That might be a little more tricky to organise in online school, but if definitely should be possible! 

I hope this helped at least a little bit. Let us know if there’s anything else we can do!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[chuffyfan87]

Hiding. Part 65a (NSFW)

Cowritten with @disastrousintention.

-x-

Today was Peter’s sixteenth birthday and it didn’t seem like two minutes that he was this little baby that Charlie held for the first time. How the hell did he get to sixteen already?

Despite being the birthday boy Peter was still in bed whilst everyone else was awake downstairs.

Charlie wrapped his arms around Duffy’s waist as they were the only two in the kitchen. “Duffy Fairhead, you’re very sexy this morning.” He whispered in her ear as he licked her earlobe.

"Charlie behave yourself!" She giggled, feeling his hand squeeze her bottom.

“I can’t help it.” He murmured.

"So I've noticed." She smirked as she turned in his arms to face him, resting back against the worktop.

His hands squeezed her breasts.

A soft moan escaped her lips as her fingers played with the collar of his dressing gown.

He did it again, “So perfect.” He mumbled as his hands travelled further down her body. “You’re perfect.” He whispered as his hands went lower down her body. “So sexy!”

After three months of appointments with an eating disorder specialist and two months of appointments with the counsellor Duffy was beginning to feel more comfortable and confident in herself physically.

Charlie was pleased it seemed to be working, that her sparkle was coming back. And her new found confidence was incredibly sexy in the bedroom department.

Duffy wrapped her arms around Charlie's neck as they kissed.

Charlie ran his hands up her thighs as he deepened the kiss.

Duffy pulled back as she heard loud, thudding footsteps on the stairs.

“Peter’s awake.”

"So it would seem. That'll please the twins, they really want him to open the present they got him."

He smiled brightly, “How do we have a sixteen year old son?”

Duffy sighed dramatically as she lent back against the worktop. "Urgh, don't remind me! I feel old enough as it is!"

“You feel old? How old do you think I feel?”

"Practically decrepid?" She giggled.

“Pretty much.” He kissed her nose as Peter came downstairs. He held her hand and dragged her back to the living room.

"Happy birthday Peter." Duffy smiled as he reached the bottom of the stairs.

“Thanks mum.” He smiled as he hugged his mum and then his dad, who also said happy birthday.

"I was just telling your father that now you're sixteen he's officially decrepid!" She giggled.

Peter chuckled softly, “I’m inclined to agree with mum on this one.”

Duffy grinned triumphantly. "I knew I'd raised smart children!" She couldn't resist poking her tongue out at her husband.

Charlie slapped Duffy’s bum playfully.

“Urgh!! Gross.” Peter replied, rolling his eyes as he wandered into the lounge.

"I get the impression that our son doesn't approve of his decrepid father feeling up his eternally youthful mother!" Duffy giggled as she followed Peter to join the others in the lounge.

“Well it’s a good job he doesn’t know what else his decrepid father gets up to with his eternally youthful mother, isn’t it?” He slapped her bum again.

"Charlie! Behave!" She giggled.

“I am behaving.”

"And for your information, Peter is well aware of what you get up to!" She smirked.

“Oh is he?” He smirked, “Why would that be?”

"We're too noisy apparently." She whispered before sitting down on the sofa.

He sat beside her and lent forward and whispered in her ear, “Correction, you’re too loud when you’re filled with my cock.”

She dug her elbow into Charlie's ribs before turning her attention to the children.

He briefly rubbed her inner thigh.

Peter sat down on the floor and began to open his birthday presents - starting off with the present from the twins.

They'd bought him two new tshirts which they'd gone to the shop and picked themselves. "Do you like them?" Tilly asked. "If you don't blame Lottie. If you do then it was me." She grinned.

“Hey! Not fair!” Lottie replied, “We brought them together!”

"Actually..." Tilly began dramatically, "We picked one each so whichever one you don't like is the one Lottie picked!"

“Girls, I love them both! Thank you.” Peter said.

Lottie rolled her eyes, “Such a drama queen!” She muttered under her breath about Tilly.

"My turn next!" Jake declared holding out a package to his brother.

Peter took the present from Jake. “Thanks.” He opened it.

Jake had brought his brother the new album by Peter's favourite band.

Peter grinned. “You did good, thanks Bro.” He ruffled Jake’s hair and laughed.

"Urgh!" Jake complained, trying to smooth his hair back down.

Emily gently stepped towards Peter with her present.

She'd drawn him a picture that her parents had placed in a frame. Though only seven and struggling in some aspects of her schooling Emily excelled at drawing and painting.

He smiled, “I love it Em! Thank you.” Peter said as he stroked his fingers along the photo frame.

"I used the pencils and paints you got me for my birthday." She smiled.

“You did?” He smiled.

She nodded. "And the special paper mama and daddy got me."

“I really love your picture Emmy! You’re very good at art, aren’t you?”

Emily grinned, blushing at her big brother's compliment.

It was a beautiful sight to see Emily looking so happy! Louis handed Peter a present with a smile.

"I hope you like it."

Peter slowly unwrapped the present, wondering what was inside.

Louis had bought Peter some pens and notebooks that his brother could use to help with revising for his upcoming GCSEs. He hadn't really been sure what to get as, although it was coming up to a year since he'd permanently moved in with his siblings, he was still getting to know them properly after having not spent a huge amount of time with them growing up.

“Thanks Louis, these will come in handy for all the exams I have to revise for!”

Louis smiled, glad that he'd gotten it right.

Peter put them down in a pile next to his other stuff.

Duffy handed Peter a small package. "This is from Oliver."

Peter smiled as, once more, he opened the package he’d received.

Oliver, with the help of his parents, had bought Peter a mug that declared him to be the "best big brother".

Peter laughed softly, “Thanks Oli!”

Oliver babbled as he crawled over to Peter.

Peter held his arms out for Oli.

Oli babbled excitedly as he crawled into Peter's lap.

Peter picked him up. “You’re getting so big!”

Oli giggled, waving his arms and legs in the air.

Peter smiled as he held Oli in his arms. He absolutely adored his siblings - even if he did grumble about them sometimes.

Duffy cast her eyes over the room. The twins were poking each other, Emily was staring out the window off goodness knows where in her imagination, and Louis was chatting quietly with Jake.

“This is your present from me and your mum.” Charlie handed Peter a large gift bag which contained several wrapped items.

"Please let it be an Xbox, please let it be an Xbox!" Peter mumbled under his breath.

There wasn’t an Xbox in the gift bag. There was some chocolates, a bottle of aftershave, a few toiletries and an envelope with something in it. “I need to go and check on something.” Charlie said as he scooped up Oli and left the room. He headed upstairs.

Peter looked at his mum for an explanation but all she did was shrug.

Charlie came back downstairs a few minutes later. He wasn’t gone for any longer than five minutes. Oli was giggling. Charlie did buy Peter the Xbox and had left it on Peter’s bed, he’d just taken it out of the wardrobe they’d hidden it in.

Peter shot his dad a bemused look and started to open the envelope.

It was for a gig of the band he was mad about at the minute. Two tickets.

Peter's jaw dropped. "I thought you said these had all sold out?"

“They were. After your mum and I brought these two tickets.”

"I can't wait to tell Sarah!"

Charlie smiled, “Do you like them then?”

"Yeh!" Peter grinned.

“Good.”

"Right everyone, time to get dressed, we have a party to prepare for." Duffy told the kids.

“Yay!!!” The children said loudly.

Later that afternoon the family arrived at the restaurant they'd hired out for the party ready to decorate before heading home again to get changed.

Duffy headed back into the bedroom from the bathroom. "What do you think? Will I do?" She asked as she did a twirl.

“You look stunning!” Charlie replied as he cast his eyes over her.

"Not bad for a mother of a sixteen year old!" She pulled a face as she smoothed down the little black dress she wore. Her hair was half up and curled, two little ringlets framing her face that was fully made up.

“Very sexy! And beautiful!” Charlie replied.

"Right, come on handsome, time to round up the chaos crew!" She giggled.

“Chaos Crew birthed by chaotic mother and father, it’s no wonder.” He grinned. “Wouldn’t change our babies for the world.”

"I don't think anyone else would have them even if we tried!" She laughed.

“No that’s true.” His hands couldn’t help but follow her curves in the dress she was wearing.

"Hands to yourself Charlie boy!"

“I’m only touching.” He pouted.

"We both know what 'only touching' leads to..." She remarked as she made her way downstairs.

“Fucking.” He whispered as he followed her downstairs.

"And I think that sort of thing is generally disapproved of at your child's birthday party!" She giggled.

“We’ll just have to wait until later then won’t we?”

"If you can wait that long!" She teased before turning her attention to Peter who was fiddling with his hair in the hallway mirror. "Someone's aiming to impress tonight!" She smiled.

“My eyes are firmly on Sarah.” He replied. “Do l look ok?” Peter asked.

"You look very handsome." Duffy smiled.

He blushed, “Thanks mum.”

"And will I do? Wouldn't want to embarrass you at your big party."

“You look really good mum! Beautiful!”

"Thought I'd best make an effort for my baby's sixteenth birthday party."

He pulled a face, “Mum! I’m not a baby anymore but I guess I will be to you and dad, won’t I?” He rolled his eyes and then laughed.

"You will always be my precious blue eyed baby boy no matter how old you get."

Peter laughed, “Thanks mum.”

"We need to round up your siblings before the taxi arrives."

“I’ll give you a hand.”

"Thanks."

Between the three of them they managed to get everyone sorted with coats and shoes so they were all in the hallway as the taxi beeped its horn outside.

“Headcount before we leave.” Charlie chuckled, counting the children so no-one got left behind.

Once in the taxi Charlie’s hands began to wander again.

Duffy slapped away his hands. "Charlie!" She hissed, though her lips held a wicked grin.

“It’s your fault.” He protested with a grin.

"What have I done now?" She asked as the taxi arrived at the venue. She stepped out and lent into the back to get Oliver from his car seat. She smiled as she knew exactly what was going to happen next, she was lent over with her bottom right in Charlie's eyeline afterall.

[getthebutters]

I solved Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD/Seasonal Depression) so you don't have to. 9 easy proven steps

Summer is winding down. Despite the ponderosa, we’ve had some great fun and enjoyed living in a way that felt like it might never happen again. But that means Moody Emo Spooky Libra Sweater Weather Season is right around the corner!

 While I love spooky season, it also signals the start of my annual decline into a depressive episode that lasts until somewhere near the spring equinox. Some people call it seasonal affective disorder (SAD); I call it hell. Though it is torturous to live like a zombie for 6 months a year, I’ve found ways to make my ride down the river Styx a lot more comfortable.

For example, our Fall releases are usually our best of the year because it matters more than any other time of the year. These creations are more than just new stuff to sell, they're a reason for us to take care of ourselves, remain sensual, creative, continue our rituals, and honestly stay alive.

But that’s just one part of this 1100-word article on beating seasonal affective disorder aka SAD aka Seasonal Depression aka the Fall fall. Since I personally deal with this shit, I’ve learned a ton to make this crappy season feel a lot better and I’m as excited as I can be to share them with you all!

  Change your meds

"Treat yourself like a child or wild animal in a zoo. Plan activities or even just new stimulation for yourself. "  -- Jerome

The change in seasons causes a change in brain chemistry. Even if your meds had been working previously, now might be the perfect time to increase your dose, add a helper or take a break. If you’re not on meds, it might be a good idea to think about. Talk to your doctor and see if there’s something you can try.

8 years ago, around my birthday, I started taking anti-depressants for the first time - Wellbutrin 100mg daily. A couple years later, I asked for a switch to something different and she added Zoloft 50mg daily. Which helped me regain my sense of optimism, creativity, and imagination. It’s been a long time; I’m glad to have them back.

 Invest in a 5500k or higher lightbulb

Light therapy has been a great treatment for SAD and major depression for people closer to the poles for a long time. Light boxes are an easy but kind of expensive option – cheap ones start at $50. Whereas you could install an outlet timer and fluorescent bulb over your head to wake you up with a burst of “sunlight” every morning for about $25. You could also spend less than $10 and buy a specialty CFL (compact fluorescent) or a LED equivalent bulb that’ll fit in any standard outlet.

 Keep busy, be useful

Because I like projects and fall on the frugal side, I prefer the DIY options for the tip above. Even if you have the cash for a light box, it’s always a great idea to aid your sense of accomplishment with a series of short projects or a long-term hobby. Although I have found some types of tasks, projects and hobbies work better than others.

For my depression, getting a useful hobby with measurable results has been a life and mind saver. Having something to care for, watching something grow, getting better at something, these things keep me connected to the world and people around me.

 Give yourself a break

My depression feels like nothing, and everything is happening at once. The result is an exhausting mixture of behavior that is at times frantic, tense or eerily still – sometimes all at once. A bitch gets tired from time to time and when that happens, I give myself the time to rest up, even if that means sleeping for 24 hours straight.

Even under ideal brain conditions, rest is necessary. Autumnal depression or SAD has a way of zapping our energy like nothing else. It’s important to know when it’s time to rest. You’re not a failure for needing a nap or some solo Netflix and chill time.

 Get stimulated

Now, I’m not a doctor or an expert on this. So, this is just some personal experience, not advice.

For me, the morning is a crucial time. If I can find a way to just start my mind right when I get out of bed, I can usually rev up to a functional level of energy; if not, I’m fucked. Previously, I fixed that with some not so legally acquired Adderall, but it raised my blood pressure too high. Now I start my day with a cup of coffee or two.

There’s something in the getting up and doing a useful thing plus ingestion of a stimulant that really seems to help me. I also like smoking cigarettes for the same reason. If you don’t like coffee but do like cannabis and tobacco, a spliff with a tobacco and a strong, energizing sativa might be a great option.

Novelty & Enrichment

Treat yourself like a child or wild animal in a zoo. Plan activities or even just new stimulation for yourself. Change up what shows you're watching, what you're wearing, the fragrances of butters you're wearing, the bath bombs you're using, the color of the light in your room, reorganize your space, change what you're eating, and who you’re fucking.

"It’s important to know when it’s time to rest. You’re not a failure for needing a nap or some solo Netflix and chill time. "  -- Jerome

Maybe also trying some new things, even something you might think of as traditional and boring. Something like playing cards, board games, drawing, painting, taking a dance class, bingo, or working out.

 Exercise

Look I understand that you already know this is a fact and if you want it to work out, you'd be working out already. So, this is going to be a very short section. But just know that exercise will make you feel better, moving on.

 Stay away from downers

Whether it’s joy sucking people or intoxicants, it’s important to minimize the things that are zapping your energy and spirit. If you’re a weed smoker, stay away from indicas as they will make you sleepy. If you’re on SSRIs ask your doctor if adding a stimulant to your meds might help. If you’ve got a case of the fake people, say goodbye, goodbye to all the fake people your life.

 Be selfish

Being selfish gets a bad rap. Usually, though, selfishness is actually healthy. We often overexert ourselves trying to be there for everyone. We need to spend more time being there for ourselves. Selflessness and sacrifice are valuable features in martyr, but martyrs die and you’re trying to live. Be a little selfish, sacrifice less of your soul and you’ll have a greater ability to lift yourself, which, funny enough, will still help to lift others.