#anything i was feeling outside of looking like a crazy person in my journal. now that im v close to relapsing for the first time since

[telogen]

[jujitto]

꽃미남 ★ 𝖥𝖫𝖮𝖶𝖤𝖱 𝖡𝖮𝖸

. ﹙☆﹚. 𝗌𝗒𝗇𝗈𝗉𝗌𝗂𝗌 . 𝖺 𝗃𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗇𝖺𝗅 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗌. 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗃𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗇𝖺𝗅 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗌. 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗃𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗇𝖺𝗅 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗇𝗈 𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝗌𝗎𝗉𝗉𝗈𝗌𝖾𝖽 𝗍𝗈 𝗌𝖾𝖾 𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝗒𝖾𝗍 𝗌𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗁𝗈𝗐, 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗃𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗇𝖺𝗅 𝖾𝗇𝖽𝖾𝖽 𝗎𝗉 𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝗇𝖽𝗌 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝗉𝖾𝗍𝗌𝗈𝗇 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖽𝗂𝖽𝗇'𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗇𝗍 𝗍𝗈 𝗌𝖾𝖾 𝗂𝗍. 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖿𝗅𝗈𝗐𝖾𝗋 𝖻𝗈𝗒, 𝗈𝖿 𝖼𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗌𝖾.

. ﹙☆﹚. 𝗀𝖾𝗇𝗋𝖾 . 𝖺𝗇𝗀𝗌𝗍 & 𝖿𝗅𝗎𝖿𝖿

. ﹙☆﹚. 𝗐𝖼 . 𝟣.𝟦𝗄

. ﹙☆﹚. 𝗐𝖺𝗋𝗇𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗌 . 𝗇𝗈𝗇𝖾!

'Dear Flower Boy, why are you so pretty? I have never met someone as pretty as you are. You probably think I'm crazy for telling you this, but I don't think I am. Do you see yourself as beautiful, pretty, and maybe even handsome? Hopefully you do because it would be a shame to know that the one person who has the most beautiful face hates it. But that's it for now. Maybe just maybe I'll finally work up the courage to tell you this. Hopefully, Sincerely Y/N.'

There you stood clad in your apron and casual attire. A white button-up shirt and black slacks. Just like you wore on any other day. No matter the weather. Whether it be cold, sunny, hot, or snow it didn't matter. But today it was pouring outside.

Grey clouds filled the sky and sidewalks were wet with the tears that had fallen. But you still smiled at the customers just like you always did. You were so nice and pretty maybe that's why people liked you. But maybe it was something else.

It could possibly be the fact that since you were the owner's son that made people be nice to you. But it's not something I could believe. You were just nice that's all. You were even nice to me as you delivered me my regular warm cup of chamomile.

But this day was different. You had actually spoken to me. Not once did I think you would do such a thing, but you did. And it was the least expected thing. 'It's always nice to see you.' Your words had me looking around, trying to find the person you could be talking to.

Only to grow flustered at the fact that you were talking to me. Surprisingly so that I had left before I could even say something in response. I had left too quickly to notice that I had left a certain object. The book I had been writing in before you had scrolled over.

You hadn't noticed it until you went to go clean the table I was sitting at. The journal opened to the exact page I had finished writing in. Though being the gentleman that you were you simply closed the book without looking into it. but it still wouldn't help the uneasiness I would feel in the pit of my stomach knowing that you had seen the book.

The book wasn't meant for you to look at, or even know it existed. Even if you didn't look at it. It still had things about you. Flower Boy? Why do I embarrass myself for you? For months I have been coming to this flower shop ever since it opened, but it just made it better when you had started working there.

The nicest and beautiful person that you are both physically and verbally. People liked you because you were you and that was the case for me too. For months, I spent writing in the journal, hoping to finally work up the courage to talk to you flower boy. All for it to all go down the drain just from one little interaction from you.

Why was I so stupid? I hope that you didn't read it. I would be embarrassed. And who knows if you would hate me or be disgusted by me. Maybe it was wrong for me to write about you in my journal without your consent. It's not like it was anything bad.

Just me hoping one day I could work up the courage to talk to you. You were just so nice to everyone and maybe I was hoping that you could be nice to me like you were to everyone else you met. But who knew if that would happen now?

Now that you know about the journal. Please, don't tell me, you told anyone about it. I couldn't afford to be the laughing stock of the flower shop. I couldn't be known as the quiet weird girl who writes fanfiction about the boy who works behind the counter. That couldn't be me. Please don't let that be me.

It had to be days since I last visited the flower shop. I was too embarrassed to show my face after the fact that I had ran away from you when you simply just talked to me and the fact that I left something of importance there with you.

There with you to see and to read. It was raining just like it had been when I left unexpectedly that same day. The familiar smell of chamomile hit my nose. As it wafted to and fro throughout the entire flower shop.

There was no greater smell from that. It brought a smile to my face. Only for the smile to slowly go away as I noticed no one was behind the counter. No, your mom, dad, or you.

And now I just realized no one was in the flower shop, to begin with. It was empty unlike it was usually. No families drinking fun drinks and laughing at jokes, no people waiting for their bouquets, nothing but silence.

I turned on my heels to leave, upset that you weren't here or my journal. The bell overhead rang as I was about to step out into the humid and dreary weather. The sound of rushed footsteps stopped me before I could do so.

'I was wondering when you'd be back.' Your voice is soft as you spoke the same way you did that same day. I could feel the heat rush up my neck to the softness of my cheeks as I turned around to face you. 'Here, I think you left this last time you were here.' You held out your hand to give me the one thing I hoped you didn't see. But you did.

I took the journal back smiling at you thankfully. At that moment, all the words I had been questioning had been pushed forward and spilled into the air. 'You didn't read it, did you?' I hope that you didn't.

Because if you did I wouldn't have any way to explain myself to you. Waiting for your answer felt like a heavy weight on my heart. One that would crush my heart into a million pieces if you said the answer I hoped you wouldn't say. 'No. It wouldn't have been right for me to invade your privacy like that.'

The moment you let those words come out of your mouth, was like time had gone still for a moment. Everything I hoped had come true right before my very own eyes and I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by it.

"You are really nice, you know that. If it was anyone they would've read it regardless. Nice and pretty.' You smiled at those words as the blush settled across your cheeks. The sound of your chuckle filled the room.

'You know I've never heard anyone call me pretty before.' I looked surprisingly at you. You had to be kidding, right? Never ever in your life?! 'Well, you are. And don't forget I said nice too.' You chuckled again.

I didn't know how much time had passed before it was closing time. You stared at the watch on your wrist before sighing. 'I guess time does fly when you're talking to someone nice.'

I smiled at you as you lead me to the entrance. "Hopefully this can become a regular occurrence, only if you're ok with it.' I nodded as you smiled at me. 'Can you wait here for a moment?'

He left before I could say something. Only for him to return not a second later as the flower shop's lights were shut off and the door was locked behind him. 'It wouldn't be nice of me to let you walk alone on your own.'

He smiled opening the umbrella and shielding us both from the rain that fell. We walked in silence. No awkwardness just peaceful silence. You waited until I was safely inside before walking home. Smiling the whole way home.

'Dear quiet girl, I hope you are safe and well. It was nice to speak to you and get to know you more. Hopefully, you tell more about that journal. Only if you want to but I do hope you are doing good. I didn't get to tell you. I think you are nice and pretty too. Let's meet again at the flower shop, soon. Sincerely, Flower Boy.'

[study-with-aura]

Wednesday, May 29, 2024

We are supposed to have storms the rest of this week, so I got some swimming in this morning with my yoga. What will I do with myself being stuck inside all morning!? It is one thing when I had school work, but now I spend my mornings outside and my afternoons studying.

I'll figure out something to do. The one thing that I know will not work for me, because I tried it, is not doing much at all. I get stir crazy when I don't feel productive or as if I am taking in any new information. My brain needs to be constantly engaged in some sort of personal, professional, or educational development. I do not like being bored. It does not sit well with me and identifying with laziness makes me feel bored.

That's not to say that it's not okay to have lazy days. I do have them, but only when I absolutely need them because I'm not going to get anything done without taking one and if I take one and I don't really need it, I have a horrible sense of regret and as if I missed out on a day of learning and productivity.

Final Note: Do you like my terrible drawing of lungs? The cardiac notch looks funny because of how far apart I placed the lower lobes of the lungs. It's okay. I was drawing in 2-D and the heart is very much 3-D. How I deal with imperfections: I laugh them off because why not?

Tasks Completed:

History 9 - Studied even more terms (because it wouldn't be history without terms, right?)

Theory - Reviewed V7 chord

KA Geometry - Completed daily mastery challenge

KA Biology - Completed daily mastery challenge + completed Unit 8: Lesson 2 (part 2)

Duolingo - Studied for approximately 30 minutes (Spanish + French + Chinese)

Piano - Practiced for two hours in one hour split sessions

Reading - Read pages 98-130 of A Whisper in the Walls by Scott Reintgen

Chores - None today

Activities of the Day:

Personal Bible Study (Proverbs 12)

Morning Yoga

Swimming

Youth group at church (the only one I can go to all month 😔)

45 minutes gaming with Julien (will do later tonight)

Journal/Mindfulness

[ethernetmeep]

attended graduation. surprisingly cried less than i was anticipating, at least during the event. cried a bit afterwards, mix of realization & fear of not being able to get home safely. i did, luckily… my mother eventually came. wore a suit & tie, specifically the tie my friend gifted to me. heated up like a car in front of the sun. brought a drink since i knew if i didnt id maybe faint because of heat exhaustion. more likely nausea.

sat with an acquaintance, rambled to her. felt sick during most of the ceremony. almost puked, uh… three times. nerves hit like a brick wall. literally. nauseous because of nervousness. wanted to yell & holler but i dont have the voice for that. simple quiet ‘yay’ syllables had to suffice. brought sheldon & wiffle & chiquitito. gave chiquitito a bath before i left. got ready an hour or so early. sat outside & looked at birds in the meantime

in an ideal world i am very smart & funny & talented & talk to everyone & perfect. in an ideal world i dont get so worried my body physically shuts down. in an ideal world, i would be able to say something as simple as, “oh my gosh, i’m so happy for you! take care!” without bile festering. i try to live in this ideal world, try to be the best i can, but ive learned this is really really hard for me to do because frankly i am quite stupid. i know this is a haha funny joke 70% of the time but if i actually start gagging on nothing i know it’s probably a bad sign and i should stop overworking myself lest i actually do puke. it would not be very appealing to throw up in front of a plethora of my peers & their families. god…..

don’t even.. don’t.

[head in hands]

fine. FOR THE SAKE OF JOURNALISM! nothing else.

“I FUCKING— I HATE THEM. SO MUCH. I’M SORRY, I KNOW THATS MEAN—“

mother & other party member: “ITS NOT MEAN.”

[still reeling from remnants of stomach acid (as i did not eat anything in the morning when i took my meds which probably doesnt help this, although i didnt wanna eat then puke up whatever food it was i ate there either)] “I’M JUST— UGH! I’M SO FUCKING, I’M SO MAD.”

snippet of conversation. back seat with extra space just because. emotional & still nauseous. almost cry on the way home because of these weird things called human emotions, tears only well up; don’t actually fall. ramble to a man who knows a lot of people. miscellaneous conversations follow, like the one where i ask him if he can do anything about my favorite teacher being laid off. he says he’ll try. he…. how do i say this… knows… many individuals…. hes nice, slowly grown more used to his presence. i think if i cried with tears and snot long enough he’d be able to do many things, which is crazy & absurd but genuinely accurate. scarily accurate.

home, sitting outside & watching birds feed from the bird feeder. emptied it while i was gone. northern flicker, blue jay, blue-capped chickadee, common grackle, tufted titmouse… a wide variety. sprinkle some seeds on the ground for both squirrels & robins since they seem to not use the bird feeder much. robin right in front of me now, actually [was when i was typing this sentence]

i only made one note / doodle in my notebook during the event, but with words written & context applied its maybe better i don’t share it. saying…. heated words….. from a person that dislikes being rude unless someone is genuinely vile, is not as vague as one thinks they are. still, its pretty funny to imagine me being violent… slap thing was genuinely the first time i ever put my hands on someone like that

anyway, now theres three grackles near my bird feeder. two underneath. they’re so cute its almost upsetting, except its not. its quite nice to feel less alone

something something hi there something something oh hey i said everything now. i should probably lay down before my stomach gets worse

really happy i went, though. wouldn’t miss it for the world

[docholligay]

Ep 4: Bullet points

Hello! This is about up to Episode 4 of Yellowjackets, and ONLY episode 4 of Yellowjackets. I have not seen beyond the fourth episode, at all, and know NOTHING about this show. Please do not spoil it for me.  Things that are spoilery in nature, for me, include: saying things like  “Just wait!!” confirming or denying anything I put forward, outside information about the cast interviews or creator statements, leading questions like “Do you think “blank moment” means anything?” etc. Remember  that Y’ALL HAVE SEEN THE SHOW AND I HAVE NOT. This informs the way you  talk about things relating to the show. Just be really careful is all  I’m asking. Also: If there is LITERALLY any stance I  could take on this show or character that would make you upset, please  just fucking block the tag

If you WOULD like to discuss the show and my takes on it, the Discord is right here! I don’t go there, so it’s a great place to get every emotion out.

Please thank @sailorsunspot and @moonlight-frittata for backing this odd way of doing a liveblog, and remember my tip jar is always open

With Lottie we are CLEARLY playing with the old, “Is she crazy or is the a prophet?” “Yes” thing, and I have no problem with this and very much looking forward to seeing how we progress along this line. 

I am in love with Shauna’s think about writing, and how she’s making it make sense to herself. I have keptn a journal for years and years, and that’s very much how I would identfy it: Making my life make sense to myself. I go back and read the way I felt about people when I first met them, what I noticed about them, what i noticed about me, I have clear, crisp memories immediately when I get back into it, and it, later, gives me distance on how I experienced something versus how I am remembering it later. I love it, truly, it makes me feel connected with my own life. 

I am not going to do a whole post on how unbelievably, stupidly incorrect everything around the shooting/hunting sequence of ideas is, but I need you all to know I am going to have a fucking stroke, there is so much more to hunting than just being a good shot, this is not even remotely the smartest way to go about things, and also, I don’t care if Travis is the best shot on planet fucking earth, if someone has acted that way with a gun, we do not let them have the gun and GO OFF WITH THE PERSON THEY HAD PROBLEMS WITH ARE YOU FUCKING OUT OF YOUR MIND. 

So the plane. I assume Laura Lee is going to get the thing off the ground, but it’s not going to work somehow. I have no idea how I think they’ll go with it, but I dunno, moment of darkness, something something God, I am waiting. It can’t be for nothing that they have an extremely visibly religious character doing this, pusuing heaven, Tower of Babel, etc. 

Both on that point and not on that point, the show gives us a moment of maybe, well, redemption doesn’t feel like the word I’m reaching for, but certainly it shows us that Jackie’s attitude wasn’t ever “fuck Van” it was “save Shauna” (I also maintain that Jackie made the absolute correct choice in the moment, even if it didn’t feel good) 

I love that in the first thirty seconds of the show, they showed the girls brutally murdering another girl with the fucking pit. I think what they are trying to do with that moment, the more I watch the show, is reassure us they don’t have a Lost problem. When they  speak over and over again about something too horrific to admit or talk about, we know what it was! We know that they didn’t just become cannibals, they became predators, our in the wild. Now, do I think we fully do not have a Lost problem? UNSURE. I love what the show has done so far, but I am VERY nervous (please don’t say anything either way) that they might not know exactly what is the deal with the symbols, and whether or not there is anything supernatural at issue here, or who the architect of all this is.  

I couldn’t work this into any of the longer posts or make it long enough to be its own, but his show works at its MOST genius when it is doing things in both a figurative and literal sense: When Jackie is literally and figuratively haunting Shauna, I love the way that while Travis is telling the truth, we are literally unburying bodies, When Shauna is pretending to be the teenager that she still actually is internally. Amazing.

[barbieb0y]

journey: esse est percipi.

tomorrow's my bday ... crazy. and funnily enough today is the first day of the month safar in the islamic calendar. life is truly strange

today i want to talk about my self-worth and existence and how bumpy of a ride it has been and still is. it's one of the main things i struggle with. it's well. yknow

anyways lets get to it. dw this is the last one lol

i was born. that much is obvious.

when i was younger, obviously i didn't dwell on my existence much. i was a kid, and so all i had to do was play and throw temper tantrums. not that i did the latter - my mom has told me how i was always such a quiet child, and some part of that still rings true now; only i'm no longer a child, although sometimes i feel like one.

i didn't care other kids my age were being sent to tuition or piano classes or being praised for their innate talents. i was content with being simply me, the only extent of me caring being me and my siblings being forced to go to Quran recitation classes, our parents knowing full well we won't ever read it if we just stayed at home.

even when i entered primary school, nobody stood out, and neither did i. if i ever did, it would be because i was a "smart kid", despite there being others who were like me. outside of being a mostly straight A student, i did not matter. and i was grateful for it. i live a normal life with a normal family. i'll grow up to be a normal person, the only thing not normal about that person's life being their job, high-paying and successful.

but then i entered secondary school - a school my mom teaches at. when i was younger and my mom would take me to her school at times, i was amazed by the collection of books the school library had. i thought to myself i want to attend that school no matter what. but by the time i actually enrolled, it was more because having my mom there would make things easy for me; and that i'd get insider knowledge.

that school, as it turns out, is a cluster school of excellence - a high-achieving school, with high-achieving students. i was surrounded by students who weren't only academic geniuses, but multitalented people who seemed to be able to do anything. if they aren't academically-inclined, they would be athletic stars. and i was there, a small existence, with nothing going on for him.

i can't actually get straight As. i can't run fast. i can't play the guitar. i'm not leader material. i can barely talk. and at that moment,

i wondered why i existed when all these amazing people can do the existing for me.

when i stood out at school, it was rather like a sore thumb rather than like an actor standing under the spotlight on stage. i was a teacher's child and a "girl" at that - that alone deserved attention apparently. but i never wanted to be my mom's child or a dating/marriage candidate.

i never wanted to be.

i tried not to stand out. i was the same quiet kid you knew from primary school, who speaks with his grades rather than words - only that my grades seemed to speak profanities. you can tell how that contributed to how i perceived myself.

and then i had to figure out that i'm queer and how nobody else seemed to think the way i do.

it's as if i'm destined to be isolated.

and i've definitely wrote such things in my many, many journals - how i was born a cursed child, my destiny is to be alone and lonely forever, that not even loneliness is my friend. a bunch of theatrics, looking back on it now, but those feelings were real.

unknowingly, i developed an inferiority complex. but it wasn't as if i was unhappy - but i wasn't particularly happy too. i existed simply because my mom told me to and i didn't want to get yelled at. there were the small things in life that made it bearable but ultimately, they end up making me feel small too.

i wish i could say that the thoughts resurface less nowadays but that would be a lie. they're still there, lurking in the corners of my brain, ready to pounce on me the moment i try to function within a society.

"why bother existing when other people can do it for you, and better than you ever could?"

sometimes, i feel like i already don't exist. once you shrink enough, though you have the same volume of matter inside of you, you don't have the same volume outside.

the world doesn't see you so you don't exist.

“to exist is to be perceived.”

“esse est percipi.”

george berkeley had a point when he came up with that argument. it certainly is how i feel about my own "existence".

but birthdays.

the one day to commemorate how many years one has been alive, to say "well done, you've survived life this far", to convince yourself that your parents made a mistake, to ask God why He created you.

birthdays sure do remind me that i exist.

many despise it because they hate the concept of aging and some because they never wanted to live that long.

i never hated birthdays. i like the attention that comes with celebrating one. i like using it as an excuse.

i like it because it makes me feel worthy of this life i was given.

it makes me feel like i deserve gifts and presents and well wishes.

it reminds me that the people around me do perceive me, even if they only perceive what they want to perceive.

i feel whole.

i can feel my essence.

i can feel myself filling space in this big, big universe we're in.

i can feel the matter that makes me me.

i like birthdays.

and tomorrow will be my 19th.

19 years of being. 19 years of existing. 19 years of stumbling and falling and getting back up again and crying. 19 years of having being perceived. 19 years of having always filling up space in a big, big universe. 19 years of always having worth.

"why bother existing when other people can do it for you, and better than you ever could?"

because nobody can exist as me, better than me.

[sesmantelar]

where has the time gone? why have I not been journaling and pouring my emotions here? lately, I have been doing a lot of shadow work so I can stop being in denial and get to the root of all the issues I face. I ensure that I do it in my physical diary because someone somewhere or some website had mentioned how it encourages a deeper connection with the mind and body as opposed to just digital. I still want to update here regularly though. life has been whatever lately. i'm looking to get a stable/consistent job in my city so I can relax and stop doing these crazy long drives. I work here again tonight, which I am not looking forward to, but I'm allowing myself a nice easy and restful day to set me up for success later tonight. I really want to cancel the 4 hour shift tomorrow. I have zero desire to ever come back to this place if I had a say. and to be honest, outside of these final few shifts, I do not believe i'm going to be picking up here again unless I end up in extraneous circumstances again. it's time to put myself first even more, and than means maximizing ice, exercise, and me time aka working closer to home. this coming weekend, I have my first harp recital! my harp instructor is telling me to engage in positive self talk to get through this because I do not feel ready. but im going to do it. it's at a nursing home ironically, so hopefully this may lessen the sour taste I have and give me a positive outlook. im going to go for it, and if I mess up, at least I tried. I need to find an appropriate Dres for this event however. I'm planning on testing bronze and maybe canasta tango this week on the ice. I'[m also hopping back into my OMAD. the last two weeks had two dates. I went on a beach camping trip, and then I met up with the cute coworker I used to work with at that old hospital. both dates went well, and I am proud of myself for not allowing myself to get super attached to knowing the outcome of this situation. I give up trying to know everything and give it all to the universe. I no longer have control. however, I have a gut feeling something is going to come of the situation with the coworker. im trying to think of any new crazy updates but I don't think anything super monumental has happened lately. however, I do know that I have been in a bit of a slump again. my period came twice in a month, after bumping my protein intake up to around 170g. I'm at a point in my fitness journal where every. single. day. makes an aesthetic difference. some days, you can see my 11 line abs - other days I look soft and like a teddy again. I obviously ate out at the beach, and this new guy took me to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. and I have been having some wine lately. Im not forcing myself to not have it because I enjoy it, but it must fit into my macros for it to be a weekly thing. so I need to stage another mini intervention. it now seems that every single week is an intervention for me. number one I keep skating. my weekly lessons serve as a stark reminder about my progress or lack thereof during the week. number two I MUST START STAYING HYDRATED. I need to stop "leaving" It for work because it never happens and I know do not know the last time I drank enough water number three STRICT STRICT STRICT 170g protein 50 net carbs, calories below 1400, 22 hour fasting outside of dating! stay ready so you don't have to get ready number four attend the CODA meeting on Monday night in person! number five sign up for shifts this week and start catching your finances up number six MUST READ EVERY SINGLE DAY. FIRST THING I DO UPON WAKING UP. number seven get your manicure on Monday. for some reason, when every little thing about me is together, I feel much more together in the larger aspects of my life

stay ready so you don't have to get ready.

[outofcontexturi]

Mon 23rd jan 2023 journal 2:17am

I need to piss but I’m here. I think I’m active again. my brain feels to be working fine again unlike on Saturday morning where I was completely stressing. I’m starting to think there’s should be rules you don’t do when you wanna get high. Rule number uno: do not smoke or consume edibles without eating first. Rule number two: do not consume edibles if you haven’t had sleep. It will increase your anxiety and you’ll have a bad trip. Rule number three: learn to micro dose your shit. It’ll make for a better high. Those are my three rules so far. I’m present as can be right now. I miss being able to do this without worrying about time but here I am. I really am an over thinker. I get so in my head about things because there’s an intrinsic need to be right. It’s like I’ve been trying to prove that I’m right all my life. It’s like I have to prove how smart I am to people for them to respect me. That’s how I’ve felt since I was probably around 7. Being conscious that you’re doing something in real time is quite a trip. If my mood was a number i think it would be 7.5/8 out of 10. I need to piss still. I missed the 2:22. It’s 2:23. My left foot is moving a lot because I need to piss. I’ve gone to piss. Exited the room and saw on BBC news that Lisa Marie Presley has been laid to rest. I know very little if anything about the woman. Anyways today is gonna be a good day. I do need to sleep though. I think I’m thinking about how tedious MYO week is going to be. I need to think of a way to not want to lose my will to live this week. It’s 2:27am. make that 28. sometimes I wonder if I have the answers like I say I do but then I ask myself do you really? cause things feel new and I’m not used to this and I think that’s contributing to my anxiety as to whether or not I’m doing well. I’m filling my mind with these time conscious wealth entrepreneurial “gurus” who come across to have a sincere message but all in all are telling me politely in other words to be in a different financial position than I am now and I hear it but like where’s the time when you’re in full time education. I feel like there’s a part of me i haven’t actually explored. I think my growth comes thru travelling without my mum by my side or so heavily influential on if I travel to places. But it’s also a thing where she believes I don’t listen to her enough and I don’t want any of her weird/crazy superstitions to come true. But your baby boys got to live and somethings got to give ma. This cold I’m feeling is so so heavy my goodness. I’ve felt cold days man. This is actually so bad. This is the type of cold you never want to be in. My room is so cold right now. This isn’t it man. This is why I need to make it out the hood! cause I can’t live like this all my life. I need luxury and affordable housing clothing and great value food in my life as well as a bad bitch that really trusts and loves me. If I’m keeping it so real with you. I don’t really know why I have a tense disposition but a lot of people say it and I’m kinda like I’m not tense? but people see it. I don’t like that. I don’t like that people see me that way. Don’t get me wrong my body is tense generally speaking BUT not to the point where I look robotic and shit. I just caught myself overthinking in real time lol. It’s 2:41am. I can faintly hear the bbc news playing in mums room. I’m also scared to tell people my dreams. I think it’s cause people won’t believe it and if people I love don’t believe in my dream I don’t think I can be around them. I don’t want to be around them. But I’m also not sure I have the talent for what I want to do. I wonder what’s robbed me of my self confidence. Unless I think my self and my art work in tandem. My art is so heavily tied to me you can’t really separate it without me taking very much personal offence to it. I need to learn that my art is only one extension of me and not my whole being. But I think outside of that i don’t really know myself like that. Like idk if I’d struggle to answer 10 things I really like or 10 things I do with myself outside of acting. Con 2:46am

[creativeoutletwanted]

4 january, 2023

2023, can you believe it!! Small me is losing her mind. I remember accidentally writing down 2012 with the date in my cahier for a few days when we went back to school in 2013. Ten years ago.

I'm not sure how people make friends these days, even on a university campus. My parents met at the in-person meetings for a poetry journal. It doesn't feel like there are in-person meetings for anything anymore. When I started school, every interaction was chock full of Potential For A New Friend, but now all those people are familiar faces I see around campus and smile at but never talk to. I'm not sure what happened. In my first semester, I would walk right up to people and talk; I would make a joke or demand an anecdote or a fun fact about oneself, and I was outgoing and bossy in a charming way, somehow. I feel boring now. I feel like someone you know from a course because she talks in class but maybe rambles a little too much, and maybe you saw you drop a spoon in the dining hall one time. I find clothes too uncomfy to be stylish even though I love fashion, so I don't look particularly interesting. People don't go to the bar on campus anymore, because the covid generation doesn't know about the culture of my school, so what do I do? Watch sitcoms before bed in my flat every night with the same one or two people? And I love these people, but I'm so worried that I depend on them too much, or that our relationship will grow stale.

This might be post-winter-break malaise, which has happened every year for my whole life, even though I forget about it until New Years each time. I feel bored and boring, and like the world outside my apartment is empty until I walk into it each day. Does that sound crazy?

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

𝑻𝒆𝒆𝒏𝒂𝒈𝒆 𝑫𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒎 (𝑱𝒆𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒀𝒖𝒏𝒉𝒐) 𝑹𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒅

𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐉𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐘𝐮𝐧𝐡𝐨 (𝐀𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐳)× 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 (𝐅𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞)

𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: 𝐒𝐦𝐮𝐭, 𝐅𝐥𝐮𝐟𝐟, 𝐂𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐞 𝐀𝐔, 𝐁𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬.

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: 𝐓𝐰𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐬 𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫, 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐝𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐚 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬.

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 𝟓.𝟖𝐊

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: 𝐀𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐡𝐨𝐥 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬, 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐬, 𝐞𝐱𝐡𝐢𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐬𝐦, 𝐬𝐞𝐦𝐢-𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐲 𝐝𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐩𝐨𝐨𝐥, 𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐥 (𝐟𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠), 𝐬𝐨𝐟𝐭, 𝐯𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐚 𝐮𝐧𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐱 (𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧).

𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧: 𝐓𝐞𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐃𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦 𝐛𝐲 𝐊𝐚𝐭𝐲 𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐲

𝐓𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭: @yunhoiseyecandy @yunhofingers @galaxteez @little-precious-baby @multidreams-and-desires @vocalyunho

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The girl's eyes peered with great attention onto the map in front of her. Making sure it was the correct hallway, she proceeded to make her way down the small staircase. Being so attentive towards the schedule and diagram given to her, not to mention carrying her binder and some of her journals, she nearly tripped on the last couple of stairs but luckily regained her balance before any disaster happened. Faced with a wall full of lockers, she made a right turn and carefully looked for the number written on her paper. Her locker was one of the last ones, which she didn't mind. A door at the end of the lockers was half open, letting her have a peak inside what she assumed to be the training room for the boxing club, given the huge punching bag that was hanging and all sorts of other equipment that she would never guess what they were for.

Squinting her eyes, she began to put in her combination, safely maneuvering the lock and getting her locker to open. With a soft grunt, she tossed her heavy book bag into the compartment, her shoulder aching after having carried so many things at once. She began organizing things so loudly in there she didn't notice the tall, lean figure that approached the punching bag, one of his hands finishing the task of wrapping the safety bandages on the other. His black hair was already sticking to his forehead after having run some laps outside in the track field, his usual warm up before heading inside. Making sure the bandages were tightly secured, he held his fists up before landing a couple of punches onto the bag, stopping momentarily before resuming to strike at it with as much force as he could. Through pants and grunts, he continued his punches, teeth clenched and eyes completely focused, his body beginning to perspire even more sweat, leaving his shirt nearly soaked through.

Gasping for air, he decided to take a break, body hunched over as he rested his hands on his knees, slowly getting his heart rate back to normal. Getting an unusual feeling, he suddenly lifted his head and tilted it to the left. He was both surprised and intrigued to see a girl he'd never seen before gaze at him, her eyes wide open and lips slightly agape, fascination clearly visible on her features. Having been caught eyeing him, she quickly hid her face behind the open locker door, her cheeks immediately reddening and her hands fumbling to quickly take out what she needed and just dash out of there to avoid any further embarrassment. The young athlete chuckled softly, smile still plastered on his face as he began walking out of her room and up to where she was.

"I take it you're new in the school right?"

Startled by his close proximity and tall height, she dropped all of the things she was currently holding, muttering out a slight curse as she began bending down to pick them up.

"Here. Let me help."

Pulling her back up, the male speedily gathered her things and held them back out to her.

"Thank you..." Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"You never answered my question." He gently reminded her.

"Oh...yeah I just transferred here." She responded, hand reaching up to brush some fallen hair behind her ear.

"Thought so, in my years here I'm pretty sure I would have remembered a cute little face like yours."

His compliment followed along by his large hand booping the bun on the top of her head only worked to make her feel more shy about standing in front of such a handsome guy.

"I'm Yunho." He held out his wrapped hand out to her, which she gratefully shook.

"I'm Y/N."

He looked at her with a fond smile upon hearing her name.

"Well Y/N, if you ever get lost or need something, please let me know. I'd be happy to help."

Unable to help himself, he leaned down and bumped his nose against hers, making her slightly crinkle her own after he pulled back.

"I like you. Let's be friends."

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"Look! Yunho! I see the beach already!"

Yunho only took a small glance over at his friend, who had of course taken off her seatbelt in order to stand up and get a better view of the blue ocean that was now drawing closer and closer to them. Without taking his eyes off the road, he grabbed one of her belt loops and firmly sat her back down, not about to risk an accident happening.

"Y/N just because this car is convertible, doesn't mean you can just go wilding about and standing up. You could get hurt."

Poking her bottom lip out with crossed arms, the girl pushed the seat further back so she could rest her feet up on the dashboard. Still hyped up about their trip to California and unable to contain her excitement, Y/N moved one of her legs so it could nudge Yunho's arm. He merely rolled his eyes at her, so used to her mischievous yet rather adorable antics. He couldn't suppress the smile on his face when she kept bumping her knee up against his elbow or tapping her foot against one of the hands that was gripping the steering wheel. During one particular move of her leg, he got his hand off the wheel and grabbed her thigh, squeezing at it softly and keeping it within his reach.

"Do you have a death wish?" He questioned her.

"No..... I'm just too excited and I can't wait to see the rest of the gang." She bounced against the seat.

Releasing a light chuckle, Yunho used his thumb to rub circles against her exposed knee, tugging at the ripped fabric coming out.

"Seriously, couldn't you pick another pair of jeans?" He shook his head.

"What's wrong with them?" She exclaimed in offense.

"They're practically ripping from how skin tight they are. Honestly, did you just paint them on? Guys will stare at your ass." He involuntarily gripped her thigh a little tighter when he pictured some pervert eyeing his best friend up and down.

"Maybe that was the whole plan along."

Her little snort only made him smack her thigh rather abruptly, earning her a glare from him as well, which only served to make her burst into giggles.

"Hit me harder daddy." She teased him, sitting up to rest her head on his shoulders as she batted her eyelashes at him.

"Oh my fuck- I can't with you! You know I hate that word!" He cringed in disgust at the unholy word, lightly shoving her head off him, opting to instead turn up the volume of the music to hopefully calm his energetic friend down a bit.

Pulling into the parking lot, Y/N wasted no time in jumping out of the car and sprinting out towards the small crowd that was already gathered near the shoreline, a small bonfire already being started while the sun was still out. Finally catching sight of the last pair to get there, some of their friends waved them over.

"Hey guys! They're here! Yunho and Y/N are here!" A bright pink haired male who was donning a crop top began jumping up and down in excitement at the whole crew being gathered.

Meanwhile the jet black hair male next to him was not amused by his screeching.

"Ok ok geez, we get it." He held San down.

"Yeosang stop being a drag and let loose for once. We're on vacation, no more mean professors. No late night studying, no more presentations. Tonight we're just a bunch of adults who are going to get shit faced wasted and party all night long!" His friend let out a piercing holler.

"Ok but I'm not carrying your drunk ass back to the room then Woo." Yeosang warned him.

"Mingi!"

Y/N immediately ran up to her friend who was just as tall as Yunho. She was so happy to finally see him after so long, none of them having been able to see much of him since he had gone away on a transfer college program and had been living abroad for a while now. She clung onto him tightly.

"I missed you two munchkin." Mingi bent his face to kiss the top of her head before ruffling her hair into a tangled mess like he'd usually do.

"I'm not going to punch you for that only because I missed your clumsy ass too much." She squinted her eyes at him, but immediately went back to her happy self and began asking him so many questions about what he had done.

Yunho went over to see if anyone needed help, always stepping up to set up anything they needed. He had decided to help out his older friend, Seonghwa, bring out the coolers full of beer and other alcoholic beverages while another one, Hongjoong, began making a playlist on his phone which would soon blast all over the bluetooth speakers.

"How was the ride here?" Seonghwa asked Yunho, who could only let out an exhausted sigh.

"That crazy huh?" Hongjoong chuckled, looking over at Y/N who was practically hanging onto Mingi's arm like a koala, while San and Wooyoung were arguing about not being giving the same amount of hugs.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm happy she's already having fun, but even I think she's a little too much for me nowadays. I can barely keep up with her energy sometimes." Yunho admitted, although he found it ironic how ever since the years passed, it had seemed as if though his once bubbly and energetic nature switch somewhat with Y/N's more calm and mellow personality.

"Well I mean, don't worry about babysitting her tonight. Just drink some beer and go wild like we used to back in high school."

Popping off the cap, Seonghwa handed the bottle over to Yunho who immediately took a small sip of it.

"Are you kidding me? I'm going to have to stay sober and make sure she doesn't do anything too crazy."

Smirking, Hongjoong came up to him as he pulled something out of his pants.

"I thought you'd say that which is why I took the liberty of placing you two in the same motel room. Now you don't have to worry about rooming with tweedle dumb or tweedle idiot there." He nodded over to Wooyoung and San.

Yunho looked down at the room key with bewilderment.

"Oh Hong- why would you? Listen she's my best friend, but to share a room with her-"

"Is the best idea if you ask me. Seriously Yunho, we're here about to get fucked as hell. Maybe this is the chance for something between you two to finally happen. If you know what I mean." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, which made Yunho blush wildly.

"Nothing will happen. She only sees me as a friend." He tried to convince himself more than anyone else.

Seonghwa and Hongjoong looked at him and then at each other, both of them with a dead panned expression.

"Oh honey you are so lost." Seonghwa stated, letting out some very audible tsks.

"Jongho! Come here! We need an opinion from a level headed person." Hongjoong waved over a muscular red head over, who came over with arms crossed over his chest.

"What?" He looked unamused.

"On a scale of 1-10, how much would you say Yunho and Y/N want to fuck each other?"

Yunho covered Hongjoong's mouth at that.

"Hyung! What the fuck?!" He looked around to make sure Y/N didn't hear anything.

Shrugging, Jongho slid his hands into his pant's pockets.

"I don't really pay attention to hetero shit, but I'd say solid 12 if I'm being honest." Satisfying their curiosity, he went back towards Yeosang, who was already downing down another bottle and laughing a lot more than he'd usually do, which prompted his partner to take the bottle away from him, which Yeosang did not appreciate and began grumbling in a not so threatening manner.

Yunho looked over at his friend, talking so casually with the other girls, all of them showing off pictures of clothes or their pets no doubt. He began to think that maybe Hongjoong and Seonghwa were right. Perhaps this could be the night where something would spark between them.

He just had to wait and see.

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Loud cheers and hollers were being poured out at the two females who were currently tongue deep inside each other's throats due to the dare they were given.

"3, 2, 1! Ok. 40 seconds is up."

The more dominant of the girls got off the other's lap, a smug look on her face while the other looked completely dazed as she tried to regain her composure.

"Dang Sua, you didn't need to go that intense. Poor Yoohyeon." Wooyoung shook a finger at her.

"I know for a fact you enjoyed that little show just as much as she did." She glanced in between his legs, eyeing the very visible boner that had formed there before brushing some hair out of Yoohyeon's face.

"Ok it's not my turn but I've really been wondering long and hard about something! Seungyeon! Is it true you got your nipples pierced last month?" San suddenly blurted out, words slightly slurring as all eyes looked over at the bronzed beauty who had a wicked grin on her face.

"I did." She confirmed the rumor.

"No way! You have low pain tolerance! I don't believe you!" He interjected.

Putting her drink down, she sauntered over to him, hands on her hips as she stood in front of him. Grabbing the end of her shirt, she lifted it up and let her well endowed tits pop out. San nearly choked as he stared at the metal bars piercing through her nipples.

"Hot damn. I love being Bi." He licked his lips.

With a giggle, Seungyeon gave her tits a little shake before covering them up again.

"Ok now that I blessed you with my chest, now you have to do something for me."

Always up for a challenge, San immediately agreed.

"What is it? Come on throw it at me. Who's dick or pussy am I sucking?" His question had everyone laughing.

"No, don't get ahead of yourself fuck boi. I dare you to strip and jump into the cold water." She smirked, really convinced he'd never do it.

But to everyone's shock, horror and amusement, San didn't waste a second before standing up and ridding himself of all his clothes, leaving some of his friends wide eyed while others were getting more turned on by the ever escalating game of truth or dare.

"You know if you wanted an excuse to just see my dick, all you had to do was ask."

With a wink towards the tanned female, San ran into the water and let his entire body submerge underneath the waves. Meanwhile the rest of the party got off their seats to witness or record the entire thing. Coming out of the water, San swiped his hair back before calling out to them.

"I bet none of you have the guts to do the same!" He challenged them.

"Bet!" Wooyoung responded before practically ripping his shirt off.

With a shrug, Seungyeon completely took off her top.

"You have all seen my tits already. What the heck?"

Soon a few more of them joined San in the water, while the others either stood there contemplating if they should do something or just let them be.

"I knew it. I knew this would eventually turn into one of those college parties that ends in an orgy- NOT THAT I'VE EVER SEEN THEM!" Mingi immediately shouted, but everyone around him just looked at him with absolutely no surprise or judgment.

"I wanna join!"

Yunho watched in horror as Y/N took off her shirt and threw it at him. Before she could even reach for her bra clasp, he took off his jacket and covered her, picking her up and slinging her over his shoulder.

"No you don't. We're going to our room and you're going straight to bed." He firmly said, ignoring the suggestive glances the others were giving him.

"Put me down Yunho! Put me down!" She wiggled in his grasp, trying to break free but in her tipsy state she couldn't really do much.

"Bye Y/N! Sorry you didn't get to show us your boobs! I bet they're great!" Yeosang waved at them, completely drunk with Jongho holding him up so he wouldn't fall.

Y/N eventually gave up and just let Yunho carry her across the motel parking lot, his car already having been moved over so it'd be easier for them to get their stuff. Not fully coherent and with still leftover energy, she began tapping on his back.

"Truth or dare."

"Y/N, I'm pretty sure the game already ended." He told her as he took out his key to lock and put the alarm on his car.

"But you didn't pick anything besides truth you boring old sack! Now pick dare! I wanna dare you to do something!" She insisted.

"Fine. What do you want me to do?" He wanted to satisfy her whims for a moment.

"Dare you to slam me on the hood of the car and make out with me."

Yunho wasn't sure if she was being serious or was playing around like she usually did, but her sentence made him freeze up.

"I knew it. I knew you didn't have the balls to do it." She snickered at him.

Finally deciding to snap, Yunho tore his jacket off her body before hauling her down and slamming her onto the hood of his car, not to hard so she wouldn't get hurt. With a dark look in his eyes, he smirked down at her.

"Bet."

Before she had time to respond or comprehend what was going on, Y/N was already melting into the kiss her long time friend was giving her. She didn't hesitate to allow his tongue to slither in her mouth. Y/N moaned as Yunho continued to massage his tongue against hers, rolling them over each other before sucking down on it. His hands which had been holding her arms over her head let go of them so they could snake down her torso before gripping her hips. Prying her legs open with his knee, Yunho pressed himself in between them, his growing bulge grinding against her jean clad core. Y/N could feel her underwear stick to her folds from how aroused she was becoming. Having nothing to lose, she wrapped her legs around Yunho's waist, squeezing him closer as she grinded harder against him, practically dry humping him.

"Fuck! You're driving me insane."

Wanting to get her as frustrated as him, he trailed wet and sloppy kisses down her sternum, licking on the top of her cleavage, while his fingers pushed underneath her bra cups so they could rub her nipples in between them.

"Oh! Oh my god!" She gasped out, her hands going to the back of his head, fingers harshly tugging at the strands of his hair as she pressed her chest out more forward him.

"Please suck my tits."

Yunho let out a brief awkward laugh at her request before pulling himself off her, which resulted in her writhing in an annoyed manner.

"That wasn't part of the dare Y/N and I'm not doing such a lewd action out in public."

He did not let her glare deter him from patting the top of her head softly. Turning his back to her, he made way towards their hotel room calling out to her so she could follow him. When he didn't hear nor sense her following behind him, he quickly turned around and saw that instead she was walking towards the pool.

"Y/N I'm not going to tell you again. Get in the room right now and- No! Y/N no!"

He chased after her as if she was a misbehaving cat, internally cursing himself as he saw her entering the pool area. He stopped in his tracks when he saw her peel off her tight skinny jeans before diving into the pool, some of the water splashing onto him.

"Holy hell, please give me the strength to deal with her." He muttered to himself as he picked up her discarded clothing.

He just stood there both admiring and just guarding her as she freely swam around without a care in the world. Emerging from underwater, she swam up to where Yunho was and propped her elbows on the concrete.

"Join me Yuyu." She made it a point to use the nickname he favored and to glance at him with puppy dog eyes.

"No. It's late and you have gone wild enough for one night. Now come on, out you go now."

Extending his hand out, he ordered her to take it so he could pull her out of there. Having other thoughts in mind, Y/N acted as if she was giving in. As soon as she took his hand, she took advantage of his unguarded state to strongly pull him down into the water with her. Yunho came back out of the water with a shocked expression.

"Have you completely lost your mind?!" He shouted at her, wiping some of the dripping water off his face.

"Maybe. I don't know."

With absolutely no remorse, she pushed him towards the pool steps, making him sit down on one of them before straddling his lap. Not giving him a chance to ask, Y/N just cupped his cheeks and began to fervently kiss him, not lingering long on his lips as she preferred to attack his neck, biting and sucking at various points in an effort to leave purple and red spots all over his milky skin. Yunho's hands cupped her hips in a futile attempt to hold her still but ultimately failing as they seemed to have a mind of their own and wandered further down to cup her ass. Kneading at her cheeks, Yunho bucked his hips up at hers, head tilting to the side to allow her to nibble away as she pleased at his skin.

"Just what exactly do you want with all this?" Yunho finally asked.

Humming against his skin, she placed a sweet peck on the recent mark she made.

"I want you to suck my boobs." She repeated her words from before.

Taking his hands off her ass, she placed them on her chest, making them massage them as she liked them to be.

"That's it? You go through all this just to get your boobs sucked?" Yunho found it ridiculous yet cute.

Shaking her head, Y/N began bouncing on his lap.

"No I want you to fuck me." She blurted out.

Yunho immediately retracted her hands off her body, eyes not even blinking as he began processing what she just said. Gulping down an imaginary lump, he took a deep breath and gathered his strength and self control.

"Y/N, baby. You're probably too wasted to think straight. You don't know what you're saying. So let's just go back to the room and go to sleep. Don't want you regretting anything in the morning."

Even though he said it to her, he mostly meant it for himself. He didn't want to ruin anything they had already built up over the years just because of some stupid decision. Y/N however clung onto him when he attempted to let her go.

"I'm not wasted trust me. I'm in full use of my 5 senses and I mean it when I say I want you to fuck me Jeong Yunho."

Trying to seduce him one last time, she began to nibble at his earlobe, knowing he was sensitive around that area. Wanting to rile him up, she whispered in his ear.

"If not then that's ok..... I'm sure Seonghwa or Hongjoong won't mind me joining them for a night."

Instantly, she was lifted up by his strong arms and carried away towards their room.

"You're not spending the night with anyone but me."

Yunho nearly broke the door down from how hard he opened it, using his foot to slam it close behind them. Setting his friend down on the bed, he began to rid himself of his soaked clothes, letting them pile up into a short wet stack on the floor. Y/N bit down at her bottom lip as she took in the size of Yunho's cock. It was well above average and the thickness had her mouth watering. When Yunho came over to her, she tried to reach out and stroke it, but he quickly grabbed her wrist and stopped her from getting closer. Pushing her further on the bed until her head hit the headboard, Yunho reached under her back so he could unclasp her bra and free her boobs from their confinement.

"Are you really going to fuck me? Fuck me like one of your exes? I heard a few naughty and interesting rumors." She let out a soft giggle.

With darkening eyes, Yunho used one of his hands to wrap itself her neck, tightening around it so as to cut off her breathing for a brief moment.

"First of all, don't mention any of those skanks right now."

Releasing her neck, he peeled her panties off her legs and threw them across the room, ignoring where it landed. Taking both of her hands in his, he pressed his forehead against hers, his lips tenderly brushing against her own.

"And second of all, I'm not going to fuck you...."

Giving her a loving peck, he smiled at her.

"I'm going to make love to you."

Unlike his previous hungry kiss, this time his kisses were more soft and drawn out, as if he wanted to take his time in savoring each and every time his lips enveloped hers in a tender yet passionate kiss. Every once in a while, he'd tug at her bottom lip with his teeth in a playful way. Once he got her fill of tasting her mouth, his lips traveled down her chest, finally giving her what she'd ask for since the beginning. Looking up towards her, he took hold of one of her delectable breasts and brought his mouth close to it, tongue circling around the sensitive nipple before it disappeared inside his mouth. Yunho couldn't hide the proud smirk on his face whenever he felt Y/N squirm underneath him, back arching everytime he gave her tits a particularly long and hard suck. Pressing them together, he squeezed them into his large hands before taking both of her nipples in his mouth, teeth grazing over them. Taking notice of her change in breathing, Yunho couldn't resist himself in teasing her a little.

"Finally satisfied that you got what you wanted? You got your tits sucked, should I stop now?"

When he began moving away from her, Y/N pulled him back to land on top of her.

"No! You said you were going to make love to me." She whined at him, lips pouting out.

Pecking her pouty lips, Yunho began crawling down her body.

"I did say that and I'm following through on it."

Pulling her body close to his face, he ran his nose against her slippery folds. Parting her lips with 2 of his fingers, he delved his tongue into her hole, collecting some of her arousal and lapping it up with such ardent intensity. His face was practically smothering itself into her heat, her juices staining not only his nose but even his chin. But Yunho couldn't help himself as he continued to feast on her taste, his tongue flicking out against her clit before sucking more of her juices out of her. He loved having her roll her hips against his face, her eyes shut tight as she let herself get lost in the addicting feeling of having his mouth swallow her mound and folds. It boosted his confidence when he heard her moans get louder and her the rising of her chest become more agitated. By the way her thighs began to clench around his head, he knew she was going to cum any second. Before that could happen, he released her delicious clit from his mouth with a loud popping sound and climbed back on top of her body.

Before she could complain about him leaving her hanging, he began to pump himself slowly, the tip of his dick running across her folds. Looking at her one last time, he asked her one more time if she was ok with it. Instead of answering, she replaced his hand with her own, getting a low hiss to spill out from his lips as she began to stroke his length. Thumb playing with his slit, her mouth was occupied in kissing all over the marks she had previously made on his neck. Not wanting to waste any more time, she lined him up at her entrance and pushed him inside enough to get the tip in.

"Go ahead Yuyu." She encouraged him, her hands steadying themselves on his arms for support.

Slowly easing the rest of himself inch by inch in her, Yunho gave them both a few seconds to get adjusted before he began to expertly roll his hips. It was a slow and steady pace, but he made sure to hit deep enough for both of them to start moaning against their lips, which were never more than a few inches apart from each other. Yunho never took his eyes off her face, drinking up every single one of her facial expressions. He moved her hands off his arms so he could hold them in his own, their fingers intertwining with one another. He began to pick up his pace, hips slamming further onto her body. Unable to contain his emotions any longer, Yunho captured her lips one more time in a desperate kiss. He only pulled away so she could hear what he had to say.

"You don't know how long I've wanted you. From the first moment I laid eyes on you back in high school, I've yearned to make you mine."

Y/N gasped when he sunk his teeth into her neck, his hands pressing her hard against the mattress as his thrusts became more forceful, ripping out whimper after whimper out of her throat.

"I tried to find someone else....hoping I'd get over you....but none compared to you. I've only ever wanted you."

Y/N was left completely speechless at his words, never imagining he'd actually feel the same way she felt about him. She could see the longing in his eyes and she had no doubts that her own were probably mirroring his feelings at that moment as well. Caressing his face, she found it difficult to get out any coherent words due to Yunho ramming his cock inside her, but eventually she found her voice.

"I love you Yunho."

His hips momentarily stopped when he heard those 4 words, his mind trying to decipher if it was real or another one of his fantasies. Knowing he was doubting what he heard, she repeated herself.

"I love you Yunho."

Lifting her up, Yunho sat her on top of him, his arms holding her so close to him, he could practically smother her.

"Say that again." He begged her.

Y/N began crying out when he began lifting her up and sinking her back down onto his cock, his hips relentlessly bucking up into her. His fingers were gripping onto the sides of her waist so hard they would probably leave prints for days to come. Her nails raked along his back, leaving scratch marks plastered on the top.

"I love you! I love you!" She began chanting loudly through chattering teeth and shaky breathing.

Yunho felt himself go feral at hearing her repeat her words, wanting to hear her say it for so many years.

"Fuck I love you too my darling."

When he shifted angles underneath her slightly, he brushed against her g-spot, making Y/N's whimpers turn even louder and her walls clenched tighter around him.

"Right there love? Does it feel good right there?" He cooed in her ear, fingers brushing against the bulge protruding out of her stomach.

Through tear brimmed eyes, Y/N frantically nodded.

"Yes! Right there feels good. Please keep going, I'm going to cum." She begged him, her nails digging sharply into his skin.

Yunho continued to stroke his hips up, watching intently as Y/N shut her eyes tightly and clenched her teeth. Holding onto her tightly, he witnessed as she began sputtering incoherent words while her body shook uncontrollably on top of him, her orgasm washing over her and coating Yunho's cock which was still sliding in and out of her. It was such a beautiful scene, seeing her dissolve into immense pleasure that he didn't fall far behind as he began pumping all of his cum into her, shooting a heavy load that some began to spill onto his thighs as he continued to bounce her on top of him, helping them both ride out their highs.

They were so exhausted they ended up collapsing on the bed, their breathing raspy and hoarse. Reaching his hand out, Yunho pulled her body back up against his, wanting to stay as close to her as possible. Brushing some of her hair out of her face, he wiped off some of the smudged eyeliner and mascara that had become messy.

"I look ugly don't I?" She questioned him.

"You're always gorgeous to me, although if you want my honest opinion, I think you're prettier without any makeup on." He nuzzled his nose against hers.

Snuggling close to him, Y/N buried her face in his chest, inhaling in his scent while her ears listened intently to the beating of his heart. Their fingers began to play with one another, bumping against each other or just clasping and unclasping back and forth.

"So does this make us....?" She looked up at him.

"I mean, I would hope so. I was literally balls deep inside you while I declared my love for you. I would expect us to be official at this rate."

They both laughed softly at his answer.

"We should have been honest with each other a long time ago." She lamented not saying anything before.

"I'll say, I could have been making love to you a long time ago."

Y/N squealed when Yunho flipped her over, making her lie face down while pushing her legs apart.

"Y-Yunho! Already?" She couldn't stop blushing as she felt his dick poking at her ass.

"What can I say beautiful? You rile me up as if I was a teenager again." He had absolutely no shame as he began pushing inside her once again.

"But what if they hear us?" She pointed to the walls, knowing fully well her friends were probably already back in their rooms by now.

Yunho didn't seem to care as he fully shoved himself inside her folds and pressed open mouth kisses on the nape of her neck.

"Well then I hope they brought ear plugs."

✿*:･ﾟﾟ･:*✿✿*:･ﾟﾟ･:*✿✿*:･ﾟﾟ･:*✿✿*:･ﾟﾟ･:*✿

[fandom-monium]

Alive Together - Day 1

Summary: Welcome to the Monsterpocalypse. You’re a lone wanderer trying to survive. Until you meet Joel Dawson and Boy.

WC: 4k

Tag/Warnings: light themes of death and grief?? Cursing but minimal. Slow burn. Enemies to friends to lovers?

AN: MEET CUTE? NO. MEET UGLY.

(Entry 2#3#)

Hungry. I have nothing else to report today except that I, (Your Name), am starving. Grilled spiders and roasted centipedes are starting to get old.

I've mentioned it before and I'll do it again, but I miss home cooked meals. Even Dad's shoddy attempts at recreating Mom's recipes. The last time I think was… nevermind.

It hurts; I barely remember the last time I had dinner with Dad, much less Mom, flashes of the memories I have left blurring. Probably from the tears. I used to cry at the slightest thought of Mom and then Dad. Now my heart clenches whenever I try because I shouldn't have to try to remember my own family. Believe it or not, it’s progress.

Maybe it's my fault. I hadn't bothered to snag any mementos that reminded me of them before fleeing the bunker, like an album or something. There weren't many personal items that they'd given me, now that I think about it. Too much clutter, the Captain said.

Or maybe it's the lack of consistent stimulus to my brain. I can't read as much as I'd like to, mainly because it's too dangerous to be distracted (constant vigilance is an important virtue in this world, if you hadn’t noticed). Most books that I've stumbled across (literally, I tripped over a hill of hardcovers. Not fun. Very painful) were either tattered or worn beyond comprehension, destroyed by rain or monster attacks.

Speaking of, my stomach grumbled. I need to start hunting before it gets dark... and before I attract another monster to myself. Again.

-(Your Name) (Your Last Name)

Day 1 - First Impressions

You shut the journal as an ominous roar thunders in the distance. Heart in your throat, you’re already on your feet, shoving the book into your pack and gathering the rest of your things. Once you’re certain there’s no trace left of you on the roof, you gaze at the neighborhood below, shielding your eyes as you scan for signs of alerted monsters.

Greenery and ruins go on for miles, unperturbed.

It’s high noon, rays of sunlight seeping through the clouds and warming your exposed skin. A gust of wind brushes your face and hair, and you suppress a smile. It’s not everyday the weather is this nice, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d relish in it.

Good thing you do know better.

You trace your path to the hills. The town is a maze of torn down buildings and overgrowth, winding roads littered with abandoned houses and wrecked vehicles, and, of course, hidden monsters. There’s only a couple hours before nightfall, and you’re far from your destination.

Better start walking. You’ve wasted enough time.

You climb down the side of the dilapidated house, dropping to the ground with a thump. If there’s one thing you’ve learned since the start of the apocalypse, it’s that residential areas harbored the most monsters, aside from the cities. Too many alcoves perfect for nesting. It’s safer away from the old world.

Safer, not safe.

You keep to the shadows, avoiding the open whenever you can despite the barren streets, darting between urban remnants. Your heart eventually settles as you scan your surroundings like anything and everything will pounce on you the second you let your guard down. By the time you cross the residential area and asphalt roads bleed into dry fields (from years of neglect, you somberly note), the sun has crept out from behind the clouds and the sky is clear blue.

You find a barn after hours of trudging through shrubs and your sore feet. It looms at the top of the hill leading to a dense forest, tall enough that as you step into its shadow it blocks out the sun. Walking closer, you tense as you scrutinize the place, eyes combing over the immediate vicinity.

Nothing. Nothing moves or breathes. You don’t see or hear a peep. Not from the barn or the woods beyond. It’s completely isolated from the nearby town, a perfect fort.

Or a nest.

You huff; shit like this has happened one too many times and you’d be a fool if you haven’t learnt your lesson by now. You pull out your javelin and approach with caution, leaves and grass crunching under your boots as you take in the chipped paint and boarded up windows, steadily making your way around the decrepit building. You frown at the clear deterioration, unable to spot any visible breaches.

Reaching the front of the barn, you gaze warily at the lone entrance. Tall doors ajar, old boards are still nailed across the slim gap or hanging precariously. As if someone or something pried them off, busted through.

In or out, you can’t tell.

For a moment, you weigh your options. You doubt the place had anything to offer, pillaged long before you stumbled upon it. Hell, there’s probably a monster nesting somewhere inside, or a bunch of monster eggs.

But you need food, supplies, rest. Are you willing to risk your life on the small chance this rickety barn can provide those things?

You stare down the the opening and it stares back, deceptively innocent. But it’s mocking you, you can hear it. Just daring you to walk away. 

You shuffle on aching feet, making your clothes rub against your sweaty skin.

As if on cue, your stomach growls.

Groaning, you adjust your grip on the spear before ducking inside.

You let your eyes adjust to the dark interior. Light seeps through the rotted ceiling and cracks from the boarded windows, enough that you don’t need a flashlight to see the place is deserted. You glance around the huge room, javelin ready as you wait with bated breath, ears straining to hear over your pounding heartbeat.

Nothing. You don’t hear anything, except the trees rustling outside. Nothing shifts or darts out of sight. No signs of life, not even eggs (that you can see).

It doesn’t mean you're clear, but it’s a start.

Biting your lip, you take a careful step, and another and another, your eyes sweeping the room as you tread over straw and debris. You pause mid-step when you catch a pulley system attached to the ceiling. It’s dark, but you recognize its outline. Frowning, you trace its small, thin woven ropes as they split in different directions against the ceiling and walls, hitting and crossing the floor until they disappear under a thick layer of hay.

You raise your foot, gently kicking away the straw. You step back.

A net. A decent sized one by the width of the patch of hay.

You sigh, shoulders dropping in relief. If you hadn’t been cautious you’d never have noticed it.

You make your rounds quickly as you check for resources. At this point, it’s muscle memory for you as you move through the room with silent purpose, efficient and controlled. You dig through every storage unit, every container, pulling open cabinets and drawers, tearing through the floor with precision as you toss aside rusted tools and empty cans, a pit burning in your stomach. You snarl, throwing down another torn rag. It hits the floor with a thud.

You knew this would happen. You know the chances, but after all this time you still feel the crushing disappointment? You let out a shaky breath, nostrils flaring as you attempt to quell your frustration.

You can practically hear your mother snap at you. Don’t let your emotions get the better of you, (Your Nickname), unless you want to die, her stern voice echoes. You unclench your teeth with a sigh.

It doesn’t take long, your anger simmering down with each exhale, and when you’re sure you’re calm enough, you resume your initial task: scavenging the barn. Is it a waste of time and energy? Yes. Will you find anything useful? Unlikely. Are you going to try anyway?

You head for the stairs to the hayloft. Even if there seems to be nothing left, you need to make sure.

A few minutes later, you're sifting through another trunk when a yelp cuts across the dusty air, followed by the shrill sound of grinding metal. You startle, hissing as you bang your head against the trunk lid. Pushing down the throbbing pain, you snatch your spear and clamber down the stairs, stumbling forward as your eyes darting around the dust drifting in the air. Something barks over you and you look up.

Huh. Did not expect that.

You were prepared for a snarling, limb crushing insect. Or maybe a triple jawed mammal. Even a mega-pig. You’ve seen enough of those and managed.

But a dog? More specifically, a dog caught in the net you barely avoided. It’s tangled in the ropes suspended just above your head, gently swaying. It seems it does not care for the swinging because it starts barking again, louder and more urgent than before.

“Ah, poor doggy,” you croon, lowering your weapon. To your surprise, the dog stops and jerks to face you, its dark eyes gleaming in the shadows. You eye the seemingly calm animal. “Now, how did you get here? Were you following me?”

The dog whines, squirming in a sad attempt to escape. Your lips quirk up. Aside from the occasional bird, you haven’t seen a normal animal in what feels like forever, much less a dog. Most regular animals were consumed by monsters or by people for food.

Food. You haven’t eaten.

You study the dog; its dark brown fur, sleek and short, its body small⎼almost medium sized, with pointed ears and a long snout. And by the way it looks at you, it has some intelligence.

Your stomach grumbles, and the creature cocks its head at you, ears forward.

Shit.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that,” you grimace at the dog, adjusting your hold before aiming the tip at it. “It’s nothing personal, okay? I’m hungry, and you’re the first thing I’ve seen that hasn’t tried to kill me in a while.”

Which isn’t a lie. Hunting is crazy difficult these days. But you swallow as your eyes meet, its stare unwavering like you aren’t pointing a weapon at his little body. Just one motion and you could end its life painlessly (lucky bastard), but your knuckles go white and you grip falters. Why are you hesitating now?

The dog, as if sensing your battle, barks again, this time more composed than panicked, as if trying to communicate with you. You’re grateful you can’t speak Dog. It’s probably saying something like ‘No, you’re better than this’ or ‘Please don’t do this’ or⎼

“Put him down!”

Or that.

Dear Aimee,

Guess what?

I got a dog! And he’s the coolest, his name is Boy.

He saved my life from a giant frog in a pool who tried to eat me with his tongue, and then we hung out in his bus! Man, do we make a great team. We found out that we have a ton in common too. I feel like we can talk about anything.  

You gotta see us out here; we’re like this iconic duo. I don’t know, feels like when we’re together, we’re unstoppable.

“Right, Boy? Boy?” Joel glances at his side, doing a double take. The dog’s gone. His shoulders slump, “Of course, the first friend I’ve made outside and he leaves me. Sounds about right.”

He didn’t think he could gain and lose a friend within the span of two days. This has to be some kind of record.

He jerks when he hears Boy’s faint barking, guiding him as he drags himself back to the old barn they just passed. For good reasons. The decaying barn looks like it’s in need of a new contractor and a paint job… or three. And an exterminator.

God, the surface is terrifying.

Gulping down his dread, Joel crouches to peer through the gaping hole in the wall. This must be where Boy came through. “Whatcha got there?”

The barking ceases, and so does Joel’s heart.

You stand in the dark like an apparition, back turned to him so he can’t make out your features. Your attention is fixed on the shadowed lump hanging over you, and while it’s dark and he doesn’t have a good vantage point, Joel’s mouth goes dry as he seeks out Boy.

Boy woofs again, and Joel’s heart drops. You step closer to the lump.

For a split second, he sees a flash of his mother’s face, her tears streaming down her cheeks.

He doesn’t think; no thoughts, head empty. Blood roars in his ears. His hands tremble. But he doesn’t hesitate, ripping the makeshift crossbow from his back as he scrambles under the opening.

“Put him down!”

He’s not entirely sure what he expects. He’s read enough comic books to understand the situation; the hero drops in to save damsel in distress then proceeds to demolish the bad guys. Technically, he has the upper-hand here. Right?

But realization slams into him. It knocks the air out of him, and he forgets to breathe.

He shouldn’t have barged in like an idiot. He isn’t a hero. He’s nothing like the superheroes in comics and movies and graphic novels. He doesn’t have super strength or speed or highly advanced tech and he sure as hell is not a genius. 

What he does have: a freezing problem.

He’s already lost feeling in his hands, and he almost drops the weapon as you look over your shoulder at him.

On the other hand, you have a pretty clear idea before you face your captor (seeing him now, can you even consider him that?). With the apocalypse, governments crumbled with ease along with laws and morals, so it’d make sense for people to disregard them. You’ve met quite a few… characters, and you’ve chalked it up to these main categories; garbage thieves, sleazy scavengers, and shitty thugs.

In short, humans are selfish creatures. Prepare for the worst.

You’ve thrown down, fought dirty, bartered with them all and still managed to come out on top, the scars across your body a constant reminder. Nothing surprises you at this point.

A fumbling boy though? You mask your amusement, raising an eyebrow as you take him in. The guy, tall and disheveled, blocks the only exit out of this godforsaken place, his red jacket rumpled and dusty like he’s fallen one too many times. However, what nearly sends you is, as he steps further into the light, you bite your lip, his eyes round and small lips pressed together as the crossbow quakes in his hands.

Who let this puppy out of their sight?

“Listen, buddy,” You finally speak, making Joel flinch. Your eyes narrow as his fingers jerk on the trigger. That’s not good. “If you’re gonna point that thing at me, you better know how to use it.”

He sucks in air, clearing his throat as his eyes dart between Boy and you. He cringes when his voice comes out octaves higher than he expected, “Let Boy go.”

“’Boy’?” You glance up, your weapon still raised at the squirming little fellow. “Oh, you mean Dinner?”

“You were gonna eat him?”

You shrug. “Maybe. Depends how this goes.”

“Okay,” Joel swallows, a futile attempt to keep his tone even as nausea sprouts in him. You plan to eat Boy? How can someone eat something so cute? “Let him go, and we’ll leave you alone. How ‘bout that?”

Beads of sweat drip down his temple as his breaths come out shuddered. He’s not used to this; he’s gone from being the chef of his colony to making demands, negotiating with a possible psycho.  He never trained for this! Well, he’d never been trained, period.

What if he says the wrong thing and sets you off, hurting Boy in the process? He might faint⎼no⎼he will faint. He doesn’t think his heart can handle losing more people… or animals. How is he supposed to save Boy? His fingers twitch against the trigger.

You don’t miss it.

“I don't know about that,” You reply, studying him. His hands tremble as they clutch the weapon. He may not be a scavenger or a thief, but that just makes him all the more unpredictable. Goons, you’d expect them to shoot first, ask questions later, but the fact this guy is making an effort to talk? You want to know his angle, his intentions.

Whether it’s good or bad.

“I’m hungry. It’s going to be dark soon, and Boy here,” You jerk your head at the canine, “was unlucky enough to fall into this ol’ trap.”

You watch, withholding a sneer as emotions and thoughts flit across Joel’s face like an open book. It seems a lightbulb goes off because he looks back at you, eyes wide and hopeful. “You want food? I have some in my backpack. If I give it to you, you let him go?”

He tries not to squirm, the little courage he has waning as your eyes bore into him.

“…Put the crossbow and the bag down. Slowly.”

“You too.” You tilt your head curiously as Joel stutters, “Your spear⎼I mean, if you could stop pointing it at my dog. Please.”

Your brows shoot up. Since the moment he entered⎼wait⎼floundered in here, he could not have made it more obvious that he has no idea what he’s doing. If it wasn’t the way he carried that exposed him, it was definitely his facial expressions, and if not his face, you can hear it trickle through the cracks in his voice. Yet despite how unfair the situation is for him, he’s trying to cover his terror. Failing miserably but trying. All for this cute, little doggy.

And he said please. You ignore the way it warmed you, his tone so…. genuine.

Manners, sincere or not, in the face of danger? You have to respect that.

“It’s a javelin, actually, but I agree to your terms.” Your grip slackens. He might be a wimp, but you have to give it to him. He’s got balls.

A flicker of relief crosses his face, and you both comply with your instructions. In spite of his obvious fear, you roll your eyes as he unzips his bag unnecessarily slower than you meant him to, throwing you a look.

On second thought, he’s either really brave or really stupid. It’s fifty-fifty at this point.

Joel pulls out an aluminum can. It glints in the light as he holds it up and tosses it to you. You catch it easily, inspecting it in your hands.

“Now will you let my dog go⎼Boy!” His scream tears through the barn.

You’re already composed. Uncoiling like a snake, you seize your spear and swing, all in one motion. He lunges for you, but you’re too far. He hits the ground.

Groaning in pain, he berates himself. He should have known; they had no reason to trust each other, so of course this stranger, this psycho, would betray him. He tries to brush it off, the false sense of security dissipating, the relief replaced with crushing betrayal and horror. 

This is what the surface is like? His chest clenches. He can’t breath, but this isn’t like when he freezes up on a monster. At least, not those monsters. This is worse. So much worse.

The net rips, then a pained grunt. Joel shields his eyes, burying his face in his hands as tears trail down his dirt-smudged cheeks. His heart thunders in his ears as he prepares for the inescapable sound of Boy’s pained yelps, the squelch of metal piercing flesh. He chokes down a sob.

He only knew Boy for less than two days, but within that timespan he bared his soul to the animal. He probably knew him better than his own colony. In the short time they had together, he became his best friend⎼

Okay, ew. What is licking him?

“Boy?” Joel groans, flinching away as the dog bombards him with wet kisses. “Wait, you’re not dead?”

You step into the light, javelin in hand as you snort, “Of course not. Did you think I was gonna kill him?”

Yes. Joel sits up and cradles Boy to his chest, gawking at you.

You glare at him, almost offended. “I’m not a monster.”

No. No you are not.

Decked in a faded blue jacket, you stand relaxed, spear perched over your shoulder (or a jav⎼java-something). Your eyes glint in the sunlight like steel, hard and piercing, with dark circles under them. You watch him with a slight frown. And like him, there’s smudges of dirt on your face and clothes, but you manage to make it look cool and purposeful.

You don’t look like a monster, but you kind of acted like one. Joel is conflicted.

He opens his mouth to respond, but he's not sure what to say in this situation, overwhelmed by a cocktail of emotions that he’s still coming down from. Before he conjures an appropriate response (is there even one?), you're shouldering your backpack and slipping through the gap. Joel rushes to his feet. “Hey, wait!”

You continue up the hill, not bothering to turn to him as you purse your lips. “Oh. You’re still here.”

“Yeah, I’m ‘still here’! You held my dog hostage; kind of hard to get over,” he grumbles, panting as he trudges after you with Boy at his heels. You’re faster than you look. “So⎼uh⎼where you heading?”

“Away.”

He nods almost sage-like, wringing his hands together. “Cool, cool. So mysterious,” He pauses, inhaling deeply. His voice, now deeper and a bit more relaxed, comes in a rush as he asks, “Is there any chance we could go with you?”

You freeze, and Joel almost crashes into your back. You whirl around and suddenly you’re faced to face, but you’re too astonished by his question to care that he’s in your personal bubble.

His breathes come in heaves. His eyes are big and round, brown and bright with… hope?

It occurs to you that this guy, who hasn’t even given you his name, is a loser. A hopeful, naive loser.

And it’s for that reason you come to a decision⎼you’ll entertain him. 

“Where are you going?”

“West,” Joel’s shoulders hunch, his voice self-assured as he adds, “to the coast.”

Yeah... fuck that. 

You turn to walk away. “No.”

“Wait!”

You glower at him, stopping him in his tracks. “Dude, we got what we wanted. I got food, you got your dog. End of transaction.”

Joel stares at you for a moment, like he’s debating how far he can test you. He seems to think better of it as his shoulders sag and he caves, “Fine, I’ll head west without you. I can do it.” The last part he says more to himself before turning on his heel, starting in the direction opposite of you.

You nod. This is good, for the both of you. And safer, you tell yourself as you turn to begin your trek again. You’re two strangers in the apocalypse; you don’t know who he is, where he’s been, and, from your experience, it’s best to travel alone. It’s inconspicuous, efficient and⎼

Where the hell is he going?

You halt, squinting as you watch him hike away from the west coast. “Hey!”

He looks at you over his shoulder, his face surprised but expectant. Hopeful. He reminds you of a puppy being called over by their owner.

He thinks you’re caving into him.

Well, jokes on you, loser. You raise an eyebrow, “You know that’s not West, right?”

“Oh,” Joel’s eyes widen, clearing his throat. Boy woofs and he shoots him a withered look, altering his trajectory. “I knew that.”

“That’s not West either.”

He switches directions again.

You shake your head. “No.“

And again.

“Nope.”

Joel’s face reddens, unable to meet your eyes as he stops trying so he doesn’t further humiliate himself.

You make your way over to him, rolling your eyes. He seems to make you do that a lot. “Okay, how much food you got on you?”

“Enough to last me a week? Why⎼”

That’s all you needed to hear.

“Then it’s settled,” You decide, clapping him on the shoulder. He winces. “You share your rations with me, and I’ll help you get to the West coast.”

He blinks, clearly taken aback as you begin your trek once again, gesturing him to follow you. You feel his eyes on your back. “Really?”

“Really. You are a food source. Also I’m pretty sure you’d die before getting halfway.” You add, unabashed.

He frowns, unsure whether to be grateful or not. He decides on the latter. “Oh…thanks anyway?”

“You're really not from around here, are you?” You pause, looking back at him.

He scratches the back of his neck. “No. Is it that obvious?”

“Painfully. So free advice,” You, with a hand on your hip and tone clipped, gesture up and down at his⎼well⎼everything. “Try not to let anyone know you’re a newb. Might keep you alive.” With that, you start heading West, not bothering to see if he’s comprehended the note you bestowed on him.

Joel glances down at himself before trailing after you. “Good to know.”

AN: I want to make it clear: I would never eat a dog, you would never eat a dog, no one would ever eat. A. Dog. That was a joke for this part 1. I even wrote emphasis on your character’s hesitation. It’s just that this is the apocalypse, so it’s safe to assume that survivors are driven into corners, desperate and have to make some hard choices.

The end dialogue is reference to @teenwolffanclub-me ​TW rewrite bc i love it and them so if you like Dylan O’ Brien and Stiles pls read their shit. <333

This part is a slow starter, but I don’t want to rush this, your intro and your development. But, now that you’ve finally met, hopefully the rest won’t seem any slower than the beginning.

I’ve never wrote for a lone survivor kind of character before. I hope you enjoyed the intro nonetheless!

I think I’ll forgo the 7 parts idea, but that’s a goal.

Part 2 in progress.

Also, how to get a beta reader??

[bangbangchanie]

Maybe~Chan/ Changbin

Summary: When the love of your life died, falling again is paralyzing yet the person who's always been there makes it a maybe.

Paring: Reader x Chan(Past)/ Reader x Changbin

Warning: Character death, like angst really angst. Fluff

Word Count: 3.2K

AN: Admin Winnie here! Finally reposting this after removing a certain someone. Its the same sad story just with Changbin:)

Arms were tightly wrapped around your waist as your eyes stared at the scene in front of you. Red and blue lights flashing in the dark night sky as smoke and a blaring ringing sound echoes through your ears. You didn't realize you were screaming, screaming out his name as you saw his mangled car. Your knees buckled as the EMT who was holding you fell with you.

“Christopher!” You sobbed. His eyes were watching you from the scene, his body moving across the road.

“Baby, are you okay?” He asks as he reaches mid way as you cry his name again. “Baby, Y/n I’m right in front of yo-” he was cut off from talking and walking when someone walked through him. Your cries grew distant as he looked at his chest, his eyes wide as he looked back to the car. His bleeding body was being dragged from the car, as CEPR was being performed. It felt surreal, watching his limp body move with someone’s pushed against his chest. He brought out his thoughts when your cry turned into a scream of pain. His eyes met your crumbling body, he moved to you. His hand reaching out to only have it pass through your face making you curse.

“I’m here, baby, right in front of you. I swear I’m not leaving, not now, not ever.” He whispered tears trailing down his face as you finally stopped screaming his name and just cried. “I’m still here.”

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

“Chris..Chris was the life of the party even if there wasn’t one.” Minho said as he shook his head a small smile lifted up on his lips, though his smile was painfully matched with swollen red bloodshot eyes. His cheeks puffy as you stood in all black in your shared apartment. “He did this thing where if it was too quiet he’d just start singing a random ass song and dancing. You know? He..he always tried to find the light in the dullest things, and he always…he always made me feel..us feel like we were…are bigger than this.” His eyes tailored to your hunched body, your eyes dull as you give him a small smile, tears trailing down your face as his mother grips your hand. Her sobs wracked her body as Minho looked at the glass in his hand. “Y/n..Mr. and Mrs. Bang..Chris…god he was a special man. I am so thankful you two gave him a life and a voice..and Y/n thank you for making him smile when no one else could…this is for you brother.” Chris was next to you and his mother, his eyes tearing up as he watched Minho turn around and let out a small sob as he walked away. Changbin stepped up, his skin pasty and his eyes just as bloodshot.

“We met in the second grade..he was new and had this accent that kids liked to make fun of. But he never saw it as a set back, and took it as a complement…he..fuck.” Changbin stopped speaking as he wiped his eyes. “I..I was told a month ago that he was..was looking for a ring.” He paused, making you stop breathing for a split second as you leaned closer to his mother, your heart clenching as Changbin looked at you. “I was told to prepare a speech as best man, that who I was to Chris and who he was to me. He was..and still is my brother. A man I want to scream at because he left us. He left me. With a speech, and no event to give it at. I wanted to give it here, but I can’t because it hurts too much. I’m so sorry Y/n..” Changbin coughs as he steps away as you wipe at your face. You take a shaky breath as you stand. His brother is clinging to your hand as Chris watches you, moving to stand to your blank side.

“Thank you all for coming..I know..I know Chris would scream at us all for crying like this.” Your words made his mother choke back a cry as his father rubbed her shoulder. “He didn't like it when the people he loved were upset, or cried. He didn’t enjoy not know-knowing how to fix..fix it all.” You breathed out as you messed with your black dress. “He loved with his whole heart…we all know that. He did..he did this weird habit that I still don’t understand and I was with him for four years..but where’d he grab the bottom of his shirt and spread it out in front of him when he was in deep thought.” His mother chuckled as she shook her head.

“He stretched every single one of his school shirts.” She said, making the room lightly laugh as you look at Changbin and Minho who clang to each other, their trio now turning into a duo.

“We love you Chris..I love you.” You whisper as you sit back down, people now talking among one another as you swear you feel a wetness drop on your shoulder where his head hangs over as he tries to imagine his arms around you.

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

“Honestly fuck you Christopher Bang!” You scratched at the broken picture frame. Your eyes were full of tears as you looked out the window. People living their lives, unknowingly passing the house of a broken girl that had black running down her face and it pissed you off that they didn’t know.

His scent was still wrapped around you, around the four walls of the apartment you shared together. His clothes still hung up in the clothes, and tossed outside of a drawer. His pillow at the end of the bed and his shoes resting against the front door wall.

“I hate you so much!” Your voice cracked as you fell to the hardwood ground. His large sweater falls over your hands as you bring your knees to your chest and sob into them. “Yo-you just left, n-no good-goodbye n-no an-anything.” You cried tears falling down as you rocked back and forth. The pain in your chest was breaking you down, shattering against any idea of love you had any future you planned together. You swear you heard his voice making you perk up and look around, the shuffling of his pillow made you stand up and wipe your cheeks. “Chris?” You whispered as you watched the bed dip.

“Y/n?” Changbin called out as he slowly set the key he had been given when you and Christopher had moved in. He was the security blanket for you two, always making sure you were sleeping, and eating. Killed the bug for the both of you, and watched the place as you traveled. “Oh Y/n.” He whispered seeing you down the hall in the bedroom. He walked down as you keep your eyes locked on the pillow, a dip in the bed that wasn’t there before. Your heart stopped as an arm wrapped around your middle, making you blink, and the dip in the bed was gone. “Come on, let me make you some hot chocolate.” He whispered against your hair as he pulled away and took your hand. His own body was covered in one of Christopher’s jackets. His body moved throughout the kitchen. “A month down.” He whispers, making you sigh as you let out another sob as your head falls.

“I-i miss him so fucking much.” You sob, making Changbin stop moving as he turns and looks at you. “Th-this isn't fair, we-we were gonna move into a house.” You whisper, making Changbin face you his mouth parted at the new information. “My love, my hero ,my everything was ripped for me…and it’s all his fault.” You sob, making Woojin jump into your body, his arm tightly wrapped around you as your body shakes.

“It's gonna be okay…it's gonna get easier..I think.”

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

“What the fuck did you do to our bed?!” You scream at Minho and Changbin  who were standing in the living room talking.

“What do you mean? I mean I made it-ow!” Minho cried as you slapped him. Tears falling down your face as you glare at him.

“His pillow stays where it was, his blanket stays bunched up..I can't recreate it, because it won't be the damm same! You asshole!” You cry as you start to shake as Minho's eyes widen. Not realizing it hadn't made sense he last laid there.

“I did-didn't know.” Your body shook as Chan finally found a way to hug you without passing through you. His head nuzzles your neck making you cry harder.

“Im..I’m sorry.” You whisper, making Minho step forward and cup your cheek.

“It's okay.” Chris moves away and Minho and you share a group hug with Woojin.

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

“Chris..I know this..this is weird.” You mumble as Chris sits next you on the bed, his hands reaching for your thigh as you let out a deep breath of air. “This is honestly crazy..but I just need you to know..what I said a few weeks ago..that it was your fault..it..it wasn't true..and when I screamed I hate you..it wasn't even close to the truth. Because…'cause you were..were the one and..I still need you here but you gone..and I took it personal…but death shouldn’t be personal.” You whisper, making him lightly smile as you take a deep breath. “I think..I think I’m gonna pack up some of your clothes.. give a few to your mom. They all smell like you.” You whisper as you reach for your phone and call up his mom for help.

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

“Are you sure you're ready for this?” He asked as he watched you pack some of his shirts and pants for goodwill.

“Yeah..it's been nine months..I need to do this..it's not a lot..but..a start?” You mumble making Minho nod as he helps you empty one draw of his. “Okay..no more.”

“Progress.”

“Progress.” Giving each other a high five Chris chuckles as Minho misses making you laugh echo in return. Something Chris hasn’t heard in months.

Progress it was.

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

“Binnie!” You laughed as Changbin spun you around your living room, his hand tickling your sides as Chris watched, a ping of jealousy hitting him. But he understood, watching you and his friends the past few months, the feeling for Changbin had grown for you and you him.

He wanted you two happy.

So he came up with a plan, his spirit moved through the walls as he grabbed your journal and opened up to your most recent entry. His eyes scan the words.

'I haven’t felt this way about someone since I first met Chris..and it feels wrong but so right at the same time. Changbin had made this feeling come up that I thought I’d never feel again. And it’s scary. I don't know if I can handle losing someone again.’

And then he knocks a picture frame down making a loud crash disrupt the two of you messing around. Changbin stood up straight as he placed you close to the couch and looked down the hall.

“Wait here."he mumbled walking into your bedroom, where he looked around till a picture frame that he glued together from the time you’d throw it across the room in a fit of anger, caught his eyes. It was a picture of Chris smiling, his eyes bright as your lips pressed against his cheek. It made Changbin smile as he saw the man he considered his brother, he hadn’t looked at a photo of him in a year, it felt good. It felt good seeing his face again, even if it would never be the same. It was still Christopher Bang smiling, and he swore he could hear the hum sound he made while you kissed his cheek.

As he moved it back where he remembered where he placed it after he fixed it. His eyes casted down and he saw your entry, and his heart began to speed up.

"She..she feels the same?” He whispered to himself, making Chris smile as he stood next to him and spoke.

“Of course she does, you make her happy.” Changbin jumped as he felt the vibrations of a voice he knew all too well in his head. “Can you hear me?” Chris said, making Changbin look around, and nod slightly.

“Bin? Is everything okay?” You ask walking into your room seeing the frame in his hand, his wide eyes stare at you.

“Uh..yeah.” he chokes as he runs his hand down his face. “Yeah..just this picture fell.” You humm as you move to stand next to him and stare at the two of you, tears gather in your eyes making Chris reach to wipe it away as he did so Changbin. He smiled at his friend as he watched the two of you stare at each other.

“Oh..shit.” you whisper seeing your entry that was open as you move fast to shut it. Already having an idea that he knew and now was ready to leave and never come back.“Did you..”

“Yeah. Yeah I did.”

“I think..I think you should go.” You whisper, making Changbin frown as he moves to rest and hand on your shoulder but you shrugged to get away from him. “Just..just leave..please.”

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

“Y/n, please call me back. We need to talk..please.” You listened to your voicemail again, Changbin pleas only made your heart break more.

“Dammit women, call him back!” Chris snaps as he watches you bite your lip. His favorite sweater wrapped around you, making his dead heart thud rapidly against his chest. Then his own voice travels through the air making his eyes widen. “Why do you do this to yourself, baby?”

“Hey baby, I just wanted to call to let you know I’ll be outside of the building waiting for you in five…I know I’m too late to change but I think my office attire will work for the date..I know you’ll look beautiful as usual..hence why you’re probably not answering me! But it's fine,I love you..I’ll see you in a bit.” You play another one, “Baby! Changbin just dropped off food, I swear he’d be a better boyfriend than me like how he is his single! Anyway I just wanted to call and say I love you, and have an amazing day at work!” As you went to play another you phone began to glitch due to Chris being the playfully smart ghost he is, and found a way to only play the part he wanted you to hear. “I love you, but it's fine you like Changbin.” It was choppy and wasn’t even a proper sentence but it made you throw your phone onto the bed as you stare at it. It played again, and again as Chris watched your eyes widen.

“Christopher Bang I swear if this you are coming to haunt my ass I’ll find a way to bring you back and kill you again!” You whisper, making him chuckle, your eyes snap to the empty spot in front of you, where he sat. “I..I finally broke didn’t I..cause I did..I did not just hear that laugh.” You whimper, making him frown as he looks at you. “I’ve missed that laugh.” You breathe out making him giggle, a smile lifting on your cheeks as your phone rings pulling you out of your thoughts.

Binnie is calling.

“Pick it up.” Chris said, making you roll your lip as you hear the very faint vibrations, like he was talking while you rested your head on his chest.

“Hello?” You answer by making Woojin let out a breath as he begins to speak but you cut him off. “I..I like you.”

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

“I haven’t been here since the funeral.” You whisper walking hand and hand with Changbin, followers and balloons in hand as Chris' family walks in front of you. It was his birthday today. You somehow had gotten through the first one, tears and snot but this one..this one was easier in a way. Chris trailed next to the two of you as he watched you closely, the twinkle in your eye was back, Changbin's smile was bigger than ever.

Soon you reached his tombstone, bending down your smile, “Hi baby.” You whisper as Chris sits next to his name, you sit on the grass as his family sits on the bench next to his grave. Changbin sits behind you, over the last few months Chris' family has fully supported you two with the love that was twining the two of you. You place the flowers next to his name and lean against Changbin. “Happy birthday weirdo.” You mumble, making Changbin laugh as Minho arrives, his body moving to sit next to the two of you as he hits a card in his hand. “What’s that Min?” You ask.

“I….just a letter to my brother.” Minho says, making you nod as he places it next to your flowers, Chris smiles at his friends and family.

“What do you think he's doing right now?”

“About to fight Changbin.” Minho says with a smile, making Chris' mother laugh as she shakes her head.

“Idiot.” Changbin said, hitting his shoulder as he laughed and nuzzled his face into your shoulder.

“I..I hope he’s happy wherever he is. I hope he is at peace and that…that he isn’t actually haunting me.” You laugh, making Chris follow as Changbin nods and Minho and his family giggle. “I mean he said, if he ever died he’d haunt me so I’m wondering if it’s happening.” You said wiping the tear that fell down your cheek.

“I wonder if he can finally sit in peace and enjoy the quiet sunsets.” Minho mumbles, making the three of you look at eachother and break out in laughter.

“As if.” Changbin laughs as you place your head into his collarbone.

“I just want him to be happy.”

“I am happy..I think..I think I can leave now.” Chris mumbles to himself, another Ghost at the tree waiting with a smile on his face, freckles covering his cheeks as his fringe falls over his eyes.“I..I can let go now. Baby..baby I ..I love you so much. I know you won't hear this, I know you won’t..but I just..I just love you so much. I’m so happy you’re happy. Thank you for the birthday wishes…I love you guys.” He stood up and walked to the tree, the unknown ghost smiled and clapped him on the back.

“Are you ready for the fun part kid?” He asks, making Chris look at him with wide eyes.

“Will..will I see them again?” His question made the unknown ghost chuckle as he laughed.

“Ah you kids, never truly know what’s out there for us…you’ll see them whenever they visit here. You’ll get like a ring in your head, and any gift they leave for you you’ll be able to pick up and keep it.”

“What’s your name?”

“Felix, died 1976, leukemia at 17….you?”

“Christopher…died in 2020, in a car crash at 23.”

[dynyamight]

bkdk … 12 ? ༼ つ ◕◡◕ ༽つ

12. “I think we need to talk."

The moment Bakugou opened the gym doors, and smelled rain in the air, he knew he had to book it back to the dorms.

Slamming his feet on the pavement floor, he forces himself to run out. His muscles ache all over, and his arms barely want to stay up, pumping at his side. But, he rather try and make his way to his room dry, than have a downpour soak him to his bones.

By the time he reaches to the safe, dry front steps of the dorm building, the rain finally begins. Lightly, the drops splatter slowly to the ground.

Catching his breath, Bakugou stops by the rails, holding onto one side as his muscles cramp. His thighs are burning, and his arms want to fall off entirely. But, he let's his mind focus on the pain.

He's had a rough fucking week, and for once, his mind was elsewhere.

“It’s starting to rain now, isn’t it.”

Bakugou jolts, quickly facing up to that familiar voice. That voice that haunts his dreams, ingrained deep into his mind. That voice that makes his heart race just a little quicker. That voice, from the one and only.

That forgetful nerd.

“Ah, sorry! I didn’t mean to spook you.’ Midoriya says quickly, offering an apologetic smile. He’s sitting on the front porch, holding onto a book close to his chest. “You probably thought you were the only one out here, right?”

“..You don’t have to apologize.” He breathes out. Despite the haywire of his nerves, exploding his insides, the words roll off his tongue easily. It's oddly the same phrase he's used each time they've met. "S'not like you personally screwed me over."

"Ah, my bad—"

"What did I just say."

“I—" Midoriya weakly chuckles, shaking his curls. "I guess I can't help it. I promise I won't forget.”

No matter how many times Bakugou hears that, it always sounds so genuine, so real. Rather than an empty promise. "I'll hold you to it, Deku." He mutters, regardless.

"What does that—" A light shines through Midoriya's gaze, and immediately he smiles. "Wait, you know what. I swear that's not the first time someone has said that to me. Deku."

Chills run down Bakugou’s spine. That's never happened. He's never slipped up. Fuck. “..Really?”

“Yeah, it sounds so familiar. But, I don’t remember exactly where I've heard it before.”

Both disappointment and relief flood his whole entire body. He doesn’t know what he would do if Midoriya would remember all his terrible attempts, though a part of him did yearn for recognition.

However, maybe it was for the best. Give them a fresh start, every time. Fucking hip hip hurray.

Hell, maybe this was the world's way of sending him all the karma that he has built up. It decided to pick the one person he deeply cares about, and make both of them suffer.

Bakugou looks back at the book Midoriya held, something in his mind reminding him about one of the first talks since the incident. “Is that Catch-22?” Bakugou asks, pointing it out.

It takes a moment for the question to visibly register through Midoriya's brain. But, when it does, Bakugou can tell by the way Midoriya’s eyes widen and the wide grin on his face that grows, “You've read it?”

“Nah, just heard about it. A lot.” He doesn’t need to explain himself further.

Leaving his seat off the bench, Midoriya rushes up to Bakugou’s face, eagerly leaning in. “I highly recommend it! It’s a literature masterpiece, the best of its genre!”

For a moment, Midoriya looks up to Bakugou’s gaze, eyes bright in interest. However, the next second, he looks away, with a feeble laugh as he scratches the side of his head nervously. “In my humble, personal opinion, of course..”

“What does it even mean?” Bakugou asks instead, holding tight to their conversation. He refuses to let it go for even a second. “Catch-22.”

“Oh. Uhh, the best way I can describe it,” Midoriya lifts his chin in thought. His gaze drifts up, as if he was wracking through his brain like it were a couple of shelves, “is that it's a dilemma from which someone cannot escape from, because of a set of contradictory rules.”

Bakugou scoffs. “Give an example. I’m too fucking tired to decipher whatever the fuck you just said.”

“Okay, okay!" Midoriya laughs, "It’s like job applications. How can you gain any experience for a job, unless you get a job that gives you experience?”

“Like, how in order to apply for a loan, you have to prove to the bank that you don’t need one?”

“Yes! Exactly that.”

“That shit has a name?”

“They’re hard to find, but even in everyday life, we can find ourselves in our own catch-22’s without realizing it! Isn’t that crazy? For all we know, life itself could be one!” Midoriya rambles, growing louder and louder, to the point Bakugou swears he can hear his voice echo.

Though, Bakugou doesn���t mind. This alone is possibly the most Midoriya has said to him, with all encounters combined.

Surprisingly, a blush forms over Midoriya’s cheeks. “I didn’t mean to babble on like that.”

“How do you get someone to remember you,” Bakugou starts, before he can stop himself from asking, “when they keep forgetting who you are every time?”

Midoriya stares.

Quickly, Bakugou coughs, “Ain't that a catch-22?”

For a small moment, all he can hear is the rain, pattering down the pavement around them. But, then, Midoriya hums, tilting his head, lips pursed. “Yeah, it most definitely is. Though, I've never heard of that one, before.”

"Yeah well," Bakugou shoves his sweating hands into the pockets of his hoodie. “That’s the fucking dumpster fire I’m in.”

“With all respect, does your person have medical reasons why they keep forgetting?” Midoriya asks slowly, immediate concern filling his expression.

“Not that I know of." Bakugou admits, "But, I wouldn’t put it past them. Or, they might be plain stupid.”

“That's rude!" However, the accusation sounds fairly weak, when Midoriya's chuckling.

He feels the corners of his lips upturning. "What's 'rude' is the damn bastard not remembering anything, other than random, trivial shit." Bakugou huffs. "Which changes, daily."

"And, you say nothing works? Not even telling them?"

"Yeah. 'Cause they'll fucking forget the next day."

"Have they ever wrote about you?”

Bakugou does a double take. When did Midoriya ever— “Wrote about me?”

Nodding, Midoriya gestures behind him, to the backpack beside the bench. “Personally, I've been using lots of sticky notes, planners, and journals to jot down things I need to remember.”

“Again, my memory's a bit distorted, so in order to tell my future self what I need to know, I write it out for me to read, the next day. Maybe that’ll work for your person?”

Writing. So that the next Midoriya can read it and remember. “..Would it work, if I wrote it?"

Midoriya furrows his brows. "I think it would be better if the person wrote it out for themselves. You know, so that it helps to jog their memory."

Suppressing the immediate heart drop he feels in the pit of his stomach, Bakugou exhales a big sigh. "There's a lot of shit the fucker needs to remember. His purpose. His quirk. His dream. Lots of important shit."

"Why not start with you?" Midoriya smiles, reassuringly. "They're bound to have a diary entry all about you."

Immediately, Bakugou's irked. "I ain't writing material."

"I think you are. Good writing material." Midoriya confesses, never letting that dopey, wobbly smile drop, "I don't know your name, but everything about you is unforgettable, to say the least. I bet even someone like me will recognize you next time."

But, you don't. Bakugou thinks, feeling the tug at his heart tighten, choking him from the inside. You never do.

From the pocket of his gym shorts, Bakugou starts feeling his phone vibrate, before it rings. Despite that, Midoriya's jump causes him to be just as startled.

Rubbing a hand to his neck, Midoriya weakly chuckles, "Sad. We were just starting to get to know each other."

Bakugou doesn't respond.

'ALL MIGHT.' The caller ID states in bold letters.

"I gotta go." Bakugou states firmly, holding tightly around his phone. "I need to take this call."

Midoriya's smile fades, but quickly it's picked up. "Yeah, no worries. I've probably been keeping you outside for too long."

Bakugou curtly nods, "You have."

And yet, even when the ringing persists, loudly telling him to walk away, leave, he stays. Because, Midoriya just looks like he doesn't want him to go.

He doesn't want to go, either.

"I never got your name." Midoriya mentions quietly.

Why would I give it, if you won't even remember?

Yet, that freckled, doey eyed face Midoriya's got never brings out the rationale, spiteful side of him out. Because, no matter how many times he has to say it, he'll do it again, and again. In a heartbeat.

"Just call me Kacchan."

Visibly, Midoriya's taken aback. Though, with the phone call on its last few rings, he finally steps off to the side, giving Bakugou space to walk.

"I'll see you around then," Midoriya waves off to him, "Kacchan."

A personal hell. Bakugou's living his personal hell.

When he walks inside the dorm building, the emotions suddenly hit him hard. Every day, he has to keep putting up with this crap.

Midoriya greeting him, talking to him, and saying goodbye, like a damn fucking stranger.

It kills him, eating away at his brain, knowing Midoriya's unable to look at him, and see nothing, but a stranger staring back.

When looking at Midoriya meant the world to him.

With a swift thumb swipe, Bakugou slides the phone call open. He clears his throat. "What now old man."

"I think we need to talk." All Might's voice crackles. "Privately. The sooner, the better. It's about the quirk that's been affecting young Midoriya."

His entire body tenses, halting him still. "..What about it.."

All Might sighs, long and tired. "The authorities found some intel about the culprit behind the memory loss. And, well.."

"Well, what?" Bakugou snaps.

"Midoriya's in deeper trouble, than we thought."

[re-roo-ting]

I want to say this here because I don’t see people talk about the positive things that can happen and how things can change. Also everyone is different and this is just my story.  Not the whole thing just the parts that might help someone.

I’m diagnosed with major depression disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and ADHD.

TW: Talks of depression, panic attacks, and adhd struggles

To know the good you have to know just how bad things were first. Before any medication or any professional help, and before I was out of the house I grew up in, I suffered from bad depression. My parents didn’t care much about school and so there were months where I would miss at least one day a week for every week, sometimes more. And I would spend those days laying in bed, often just crying, and being upset without a reason I could find. Aside from my depression I deal with a lot of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and found myself constantly feeling unwanted and out of place. I would go through spells of intense motivation and hyper focus followed by days not doing anything and feeling so bored that my brain hurts and feels like its rotting. My thoughts would race so fast and feel so loud, They weren’t always nice either and there were repetitive and would latch on to ideas heard by other people. I would loose my school work, and organization was never easy. My room looked like a dump. Then I would get upset with myself for letting that happen, and give into this idea that I was lazy. Panic attacks were another issue I would deal with. I’m a paranoid person, and this paired with my race thoughts led to me being regularly overwhelmed. I was having up to four panic attacks a week when I was at my worst. And they left me feeling drained causing more issues with motivation, and more self loathing. 

Right now things are not perfect. I’m readjusting to meds, and I still have bad days. I go through the same things sometimes, and get overwhelmed a lot. But I’ve learned how to cope. I’m trying to be healthy, and improve my self image. I write in my journal a lot and use art and writing, and other forms of creativity to help with my feelings. I talk to people about how I’m feeling and Have improve a lot with communicate and boundaries though I'm still not where I need to be. Most days aren’t happy days, but some are, and most days aren’t sad days either. I still get overwhelmed and I haven’t figured out to avoid burn out from school yet each semester but I can learn to cope. I’m productive, I have a lot of hobbies that I like and don’t feel obligated to perform. I can be relaxed, and I go days sometimes without feeling super sad or guilty. I enjoy school more, and can meet with friends sometimes daily during school. Being outside doesn’t feel like a chore as much, and I enjoy just sitting outside sometimes. I can be proud of my work and honestly often am. I’m surprised by how well I write sometimes, and am shocked that I can draw at all (Adderall helps me to be able to focus on what I’m doing I think), I also have found there are times where I like how I look. Which is crazy, especially because I feel with dysphoria, and have struggled with an ED for years now (also I have a bad hair cut rn and still enjoy my looks sometimes.) I don’t have panic attacks really anymore and if I do they I have tools to help me through them sometimes. I don’t always remember to use them, and can feel guilty asking for help but it’s things I’m working on.

Things do get better, it takes work and patience and nothing is linear and you can’t expect perfection. I’m walking living proof that things can and will get better, even if only slightly. You don’t need to feel hopeless, I was in the same place, and things do get better.

[thatsgay-writes]

Elle Greenaway x Reader

Summary: Elle makes a shocking discovery after they catch an unsub. (Follows along season 1 episode 7)

Warning: Criminal Mind stuff

The reader is given a name, for certain purposes and it is third person on purpose.

Word Count: 2.5k

Dr. Thomas Fuller wrote, “with foxes, we must play the fox.”

---

“Bad?” Agent Hotchner asks as Elle handed him a folder. “The worst.” Elle responds as they head to the round table room. Gideon stood in front of a board as he looked at all of the images. “Crawford family. Murdered 3 days ago.” He says just as Derek walked in, “Saw it on the news.” He says as he takes a quick look at the board as he walks by. “They were found in the basement of their house...” Gideon says, still staring at the images. “Bags packed for a vacation they never took.” JJ continues for him. “Report said it was a murder/suicide. The father stabbed the mom, then shot himself.” Derek says as he sits down, still not fully sure as to why they were taking it as a case. “That’s the conclusion the Maryland State police came to. The gun was next to the father, he had gunpower residue on his right hand.” JJ states as she states a few things listed on the report in front of her. “And now you must have some compelling reason to think that Chris Crawford didn’t off his family?” Derek asks, looking to JJ for a response. “Yeah. Another murdered family. The Millers-- found a month ago. The mother, Reese Miller, her two children and her new husband. Again, they were found in the basement and like the Crawford's, their suitcases were packed for a vacation.”

---

“Elle!” Bailey yelled as she ran towards her girlfriend. Elle Greenaway and Bailey Woods had been friends since Kindergarten, both managing to stay in the same school all the way through middle school and up to high school. In 8th grade, they both finally confessed the feelings they held for each other. “Bailey?” Elle asked in concern as she watched her girlfriend run up to her, tears visibly rolling down her face. “Bailey, baby, what’s wrong?” Elle asked as she scooped the younger girl, by a few months, into her arms. “Did someone do something? Tell me who and we can beat them up together.” Elle said, semi-seriously. You just shook your head as you held onto her shirt tightly. It was the week before Junior year ended, the only tears falling from your face should be happy ones. “What happened?” Elle asked concerned, you had never acted like this before. She knew it couldn’t have anything to do with your dad since he was home for the next few months.

Elle made a split second decision and led you out of the school before any of the teachers could notice. “C’mon, let’s go.” She said to you as she opened the passenger door to your car. She had taken the keys from your pocket, knowing you were in no condition to drive. As she drove to your secret spot, you managed to calm down some and were taking deep breaths to calm all the way down. Elle parked in one of the parking spots at the top of the abandoned parking garage and turned off the car. “Can you tell me what’s wrong now?” She asked as she reached over the middle section and grabbed your hand. You took a few more deep breaths before looking up at her, heartbreak shone through your eyes. “I’m moving.”

---

Elle stood outside the interrogation room as she watched Reid talk to Eric Miller. “Is that what this is about, hmm? You think I’m crazy, man? You think I suddenly snapped and slaughtered my own wife and kids?” Eric kept asking questions as he got more and more agitated. “You think I did this? Huh? Is that what you think!?” Eric yelled as he suddenly stood up. Elle looked to Hotch with wide eyes before they entered the room. “Sit down.” Hotch told Eric firmly. Reid was the youngest on the team and it was his first time doing an interrogation solo, so Elle and Hotch were a little protective over him. “Is this your daddy?”

--- South East Washington D.C

Elle sat quietly in her seat as she sat in the back seat of the car as they drove towards the address Hotch and Garcia had found while snooping through the Crawford’s financials. Reid and Hotch both shared a look at the unusually quiet Elle. Usually when in the car, she would be looking over a file or talking to others to understand more about the case but tis time she was just staring out a window. “Is... Um, is everything okay?” Reid asked, his voice going a little high at the end of his question. His question shook Elle out of whatever she was thinking about, “Yeah... Maryland just brings back some memories...” You’ve been here before?” Hotch asks, concerned about the other agent but also making sure that nothing would intervene with the case they were working on. Elle sat silently for a few seconds before answering right as they pulled up to their destination, “No.”

“Federal Agents!” “FBI” “Federal Agents!” “Clear!” Hotch, Elle, and Derek all yelled simultaneously as they busted through the front door of the home. Elle scrunched her nose in disgust at the sight of the home, “Cleanest thing in here...” She muttered as she kicked what looked like an empty dog bowl. She stayed at the front of the house with Gideon and Reid as Derek and Hotch went deeper into the home. She watched with a questioning gaze as Gideon walked over to the wall and picked up a single painting that was hanging. “What’s that?” She asked as Gideon looked down at the drawing. “It’s a child’s painting. It’s a colonial house. Mom, dad, 2 children out front holding hands.” Gideon listed what he saw. “And a big dog.” She states as she looks over his shoulder.

---

Bailey and Elle laid together in her bed, the end of summer coming faster than ever before. She and Elle had spent almost all their time together, going on dates, spending nights at each other’s houses, etc. Anywhere Elle went, Bailey were there, and anywhere Bailey went, Elle was there. Right now the two of them were laying in Bailey’s bed watching T.V. “Stop staring at me.” Elle mumbles as she stares at the television. Bailey lets out a breath of air and rolls her eyes with a groan, “Love meeee, I want attentionnnnn.” She draws out causing Elle to playfully roll her eyes in response. “Fine, come here.” Elle says as she opens her arms out for Bailey to lay in. Bailey plays with Elle’s hair as she laid her head on her girlfriends chest. “I want kisses...” “Bailey repeats over and over again, like a chant. “Geez, someone is clingy today.” Elle states as she sits up and leans back against the wall. Bailey shifted around so she was now straddling Elle. “I leave in 3 weeks... I just wanna kiss my girlfriend.” Bailey pouts as Elle finally gives in. “Okayyyy.” She says with fake annoyance.

Bailey and Elle were deep into a make out session when her door suddenly busted open. “Eww!” “Ezra!” Bailey yelled as her sister covered her eyes with her arms. “Eww! Not you too! Mommy and daddy were doing that too!” The 5 year old yelled causing Bailey to laugh. Bailey gets off of Elle’s lap and picks up her little sister. “Aww,” Bailey says with a fake pout, “Do you feel left out?” Bailey starts kissing all over Ezra’s face causing the little girl to giggle and try to get away. “No! Eww! Stop it!” Ezra yells as she gets out of Bailey’s hold and pretends to rub away the kiss in fake disgust. Bailey just rolls her eyes at her sisters action. “C’mon, let’s go see if Benson is awake. We’ll be right back Elle.” Bailey says over her shoulder as she and Ezra leave the room. Elle laid back on Bailey’s bed as she left the room, staring at the ceiling. All she could think about was how in love with the younger girl she was.

Her train of thought got cut off as a small body was laid on top of hers. Elle immediately moved her arms to hold him and make sure he didn’t fall off of her. “Hey buddy...” She said in a baby voice as Bailey laid down next to her and pulled her into her. Bailey let out a groan as Ezra jumped on top of her before snuggling up. “Alright... What do you want to watch?”

---

“Okay. No, I understand. Yeah, I figured as much. Thank you.” Derek says as he gets off the phone. “He’s been staring at those pictures all morning.” Elle states as she stares at Gideon who is staring at the drawings done by the murdered children. “well, I sure hope he sees a connection cause I’ve checked doctors, lawyers, travel agents, tutors, contract workers. I got nothing.” Derek says as Hotch walks by. “Why target those families?” Elle wonders still watching Gideon. “Well, to know that, we have to know how.” Hotch says as he sits down and continues looking at the file in his hands.

“ We know organized killers are often skilled workers with above-average intelligence. High birth status. And in most cases...male. In the workplace, he's socially confident. And with women...sexually confident. Every offense...is preplanned. Targeting the victim is almost as pleasurable as the actual kill. These guys, they're...they're meticulous. It's a compulsion. Everything has to have its proper place. They do exhaustive amounts of research on their victims. They watch their every move every last detail is observed. Everything has to be written ever so neatly in a book or possibly a journal. When the kids are comin' home from school. When daddy'll be home. Playtime. Suppertime. Bath time. Bedtime. Plan the work...work the plan. This is the way that he maintains control. It's also how he personalizes his target... So nothing's left to chance. Absolutely nothing... Is left out of place, ever. So he plans the work... And when he's good and ready, he works that plan. He takes great pride in his job. I think the workplace has to be the connection.” Derek says as they go over everything they have learned about the unsub.

Gideon walks out of the room he was in with two drawings in his hands. He holds both the pictures up side by side. “Both are by Emily, painted months apart.  This one...is full of color, life. The one I found at Emily's house has lines, dimensions. No color. I believe Emily was coerced to make this. It's a point of view. It is his point of view. This is where the killer stood, just watched the family.” Gideon says after having finally figured out the connection of the paintings to the case. Hotch drops a ring on the desk he was leaning on, letting it spins some before picking it up. “Each of the dead husbands was missing his wedding ring. This is the unsub’s trophy.”

---

Bailey and Elle sat on the edge of the cliff at their special place. Trying to soak up as much time as they could before Bailey had to leave in a few hours. “I can’t believe you’re leaving...” Elle state as she leans her head against Bailey’s shoulder. “We had everything planned out too...” She trails off, looking at the scenery in front of her. “Hey don’t speak like that...” Bailey says as she holds Elle’s face in her hands. “It’s just one school year apart and then we will go to college together like we planned.” Bailey states before she pauses. “Look, I’m going to make you a promise, okay?” Elle raised an eyebrow at Bailey skeptically, promises were a big thing for Bailey, she never broke them. Bailey lets go of Elle’s face and pulls a ring from her pocket. “No before you freak out, this is my dad’s ring.” Bailey says with a slight laugh as she watches Elle’s eyes get big before returning to normal. “Now, you know me and my dad are close... When I was 5 and he got sent on the first deployment I remember, I cried like a baby for weeks on end. It actually got so bad my mom had to take me out of school one time.” Bailey says with a smile as she stares down at the ring in her hand.

“When dad came back and heard about it, he got his ring modified.” Elle watches with slight confusion as Bailey slid the ring a certain way and it split in half. “And now, whenever he gets deployed, I get this half of the ring so I always have a piece of him with me.” Bailey continues her story as she puts the larger part of the ring on a chain. “It’s obviously too big to fit on my ringer so mom bought a chain to put it on.” Bailey says as she puts the chain around Elle’s neck and closes the clasp. “I asked my dad and he said it was okay for me to give my part to you so you know that I am always with you and thinking about you.” Bailey says as she gives Elle a goofy smile. Elle tries to cover her crying but lets a few tears slip. “Hey, it’s okay...” Bailey says as she pulls the girl she loves into a hug. “Senior year will be over before you know it and we’ll be back together again.”

---

The group all sits around the table in silence as Gideon stares into the box that Hotch had found in Karl Arnold’s office. Everyone’s heart dropping as Gideon lets the contents of the small box drop and 8 rings fall onto the table. Every sat in silence feeling remorse for whatever families had lost their life’s to Dr. Arnold. Elle takes a moment to look at each ring and feels herself get nauseous at the sight of one ring that looks a little different from the others. It can’t be... She thinks as she slowly reaches out, ignoring the looks from her friends, and grabs the ring that made her feel sick. She takes a minute to study the ring, her heart beating faster at how familiar it is. She can feel her friends and coworkers staring at her in confusion, wanting to know why she had picked up the ring.

Elle reach's into her shirt a little and pulls out a ring of her own. The group shares a confused look, wondering where the ring had came from and how long she had had it. Elle takes it off the chain and slides the two rings together like she had seen you do ten years ago. The clicking sound it made not only signifying the two rings becoming one but also her heart breaking into two. Elle looks up to see Hotch and Gideon looking at her with a worried face, it was obvious that Elle knew who that ring belonged to. Seeing her friends face’s filled with sorrow was enough for the dam to break and the tears to flow.

---

“Elle! Guess what!” Bailey yelled excitedly into the phone as Elle picked up. Elle laughed at her excitement. “What?” “I get to go on vacation tomorrow!”

[mrs-han]

Can I request Jumin coming across MC's letters/diary or something by accident and she's written about a guy and how he's soft and nice and caring etc and he surprisingly finds himself upset because he thinks it's about someone else but it's actually about him and how MC sees him through her eyes (maybe pre-relationship), thank you!

How am I finding these requests now??

RUDE.

~~~

Jumin didn't think anything of it.

At first.

Before you settled into his humble abode, you vehemently insisted on going back to Rika's apartment to fetch something. Jumin insisted that everything you could ever want - could ever need - was at your fingertips. But you refused.

Of course, he didn't want to pressure you - so he had his best driver take you back to the residence.

Jumin expected you to return with a suitcase or a backpack of some sort. Instead, you returned... with a leather journal.

You seemed slightly embarrassed about it, though he couldn't understand why. He felt ecstatic over the presumed fact that you trusted him enough to provide whatever it was you needed.

Even a brand new journal. But it wasn't too important.

"I take it everywhere," you blushed, hiding your pink cheeks behind the brown parchment. "It's like... my most trusted friend."

And, more than you knew, he could understand what you meant. He knew the joys of journaling and the discipline that came with it. 

But you certainly weren't lying. You carried the journal everywhere.

The first night you stayed over, he watched as you sat hunched on the bed, your journal in your lap. He waited for you to fall asleep, but you seemed far too engaged, your head buried deep in your book's pages. The ink pen you had politely asked him for was furiously wagging or making firm strikes.

Curious.

Jumin figured you were drawing - yes, an artist needs to express themselves.

But the next morning, he noticed you scribbling in the journal again. Seated at the kitchen island, you were... giggling and trying to hide your smile behind your fist.

"Good morning," Jumin smiled, his voice directly behind you.

"Jumin!!" You roared, slamming your journal shut. "G-Good morning! Do you want breakfast?! Let me make you breakfast!"

"There's no need... don't you remember me telling you last night that I'd be preparing breakfast?"

"Oh! Ah... haha! Aah... jeez, it is warm in here!"

Jumin stepped toward you. "If you'd like, I can adjust the temp —"

"No!!" You plucked your journal off the kitchen island, hugging it close to your bosom and earning you a befuddled stare from Jumin. "No, I can just... uh... excuse me!"

His eyes watched as you pranced down the hall to the bathroom.

Curious.

You always had the journal on your person. You'd take it with you to the couch, to the drawing-room, to bed - even while you bathed, Jumin noticed how it took an hour or more before he heard the water to the tub ran.

You scribbled more into it as if your life depended on how fast your delicate fingers could move. He had to admit that you were tempting him to purchase a journal for himself. Still, he wasn't artistically inclined, and he knew he'd ultimately end up using the new journal as a planner.

Still... your dedication to the creased leatherback made him... endlessly curious—even a little jealous.

Were you drawing? Writing? Simply scribbling? While he had started opening up to you, he realized you were a bit more hesitant to do so... perhaps you were writing letters to companions, letting them know how crazy he was...?

Or perhaps... you were writing letters to... another man...?

"Jumin?"

"Hm?" Jumin jumped slightly, snatched out of his reverie.

"Sorry," you smiled shyly. "I was thinking about taking up an offer of yours... I'd actually like to see what this building has to offer."

"Ah... that sounds like a splendid idea," Jumin smiled forcibly and reached over, pressing a code from his desk. "Unfortunately, I won't be able to accompany you. I'll have my bodyguards show you around. They should be outside as soon as you open the door."

"Oh," you mumbled, disappointed. "... Well, that's fine! I'll tell you all about my adventures!"

Jumin nodded. Me, or the journal. "I'm already looking forward to your return."

You blushed at his words and smiled goofily. "I'll see you later, then!"

"You will," Jumin beamed as you nervously and quickly left the penthouse. Just as soon as they had gone, his intrusive thoughts popped back into his mind - ideas of there possibly being someone else in your life.

"Wine," he grumbled, standing from his desk and slumping towards the kitchen. He was paranoid; that was a likely possibility. But as magnetic and charismatic as you were, there were undoubtedly several people who wanted to court you as much as he did.

Jumin rubbed the bridge of his nose after pouring and downing a glass of wine, the lack of sleep from watching you every night finally catching up with him. A fifteen-minute nap didn't sound so terrible.

He started to move towards the couch - when he noticed your opened journal on the kitchen island. He immediately averted his eyes and closed it delicately. You weren't far; he could still hand it to you.

Rushing towards the door, Jumin flung it open - and there you stood, your hand raised to knock.

"I forgot my —"

"Journal?" Jumin greeted, handing it to you.

You pressed the leather to your chest. "... Thank you, Jumin."

"I didn't look inside," Jumin frowned.

"I never said you did," you giggled. 

Jumin cleared his throat. "No, I would never invade your privacy. Or anyone's privacy, for that matter. Besides..." he sighed. "I recognize the importance of love letters."

Your brows furrowed. "Love letters? You think I'm... writing love letters?"

"It's a rather bold assumption, isn't it?" Jumin's hands fiddled restlessly with his sleeves. "Perhaps I was too hasty in assuming you would return my affections."

"A... Affections...?"

"This is very unlike me. To make assumptions without any evidence, that is," Jumin spoke, pacing about. "But I've seen you with that journal in your hands, and I've seen your dazzling smile directed at it... I can only assume at this point."

You stared blankly at him. The look in your eye was enough to stun him into silence.

"Jumin... have you considered that I've been writing about you?"

His heart skipped a beat. His face was flushed, he knew that was certain, and he turned away to regain any semblance of control. "Pardon me?"

You opened your journal and, like your favorite book-loving heroine, gently thrust it to Jumin's line of sight. "He is kind, though he doesn't think he is... meek, though he has everything... he keeps watching me, even now..."

Jumin's eyes darted before his curiosity ultimately won. "May I...?"

You moved the journal closer to him. "Is it possible for me to fall for someone so quickly...? He treats me like a queen... no, an empress... no, a goddess! He is always worried when he has so much on his plate... he is often checking up on me. He isn't rushing me into making a decision - whether I want to be in this relationship or not. He even told me the other day that he would wait for me, and I truly believe that he will respect my decision either way... and truthfully... I..."

Jumin's heart hammered in his chest. His eyes scanned the delicacy of your handwriting and... the trembling of your hands. His eyes found the words you failed to read aloud: I want him.

Your voice trembled as you peered at him. "My journal entries nowadays are all about you, Jumin. You've been on my mind since day one... all I've ever been writing about is you." 

They swept through him suddenly, blurring his vision; his emotions ravaged him relentlessly, and his thoughts began to run rampant. You could easily sense his uneasiness, and you immediately felt regret. "I'm sorry if this is too much so suddenly, Jumin -"

You were taken by surprise as Jumin wrapped his arms around you, crushing you against him in a hug. Your journal fell to the ground, but you didn't care to grab it. You could hear his heart thundering in his chest; you could feel his body growing warmer. Closing your eyes, you pressed yourself against Jumin and savored the wave of emotion that seemed to surround both of you.