#i’m sitting like the 2nd pic rn

[crtter]

oh I would love to hear your take on Iyami having adhd 🐀💜

Oh, neat!!! OK, so this is going to be a bit lengthy and encompass all of his incarnations, but basically Iyami gives me BIG ADHD vibes, especially if we’re talking the predominantly hyperactive kind.

First, of all, he’s really, really restless. In -kun, you barely ever see him walk normally, he either skips or dances his way from point A to point B. He also walks on his toes, which is something I’ve done all my life (even wore those orthopedic shoes to ‘fix’ it when I was a kid) and literally JUST learned it’s an ADHD thing, like, a few days ago. He also sings loudly to himself and talks to himself a lot. Basically, he’s bursting with energy 24/7.

He’s also really impulsive! There’s one manga story where he makes his New Year’s resolution to be less of a pain in the ass and it reveals that his random acts of terribleness are basically just him acting out every shitty thought that passes through his head.

It’s like, you know how sometimes we see, something someone painstakingly made and there’s this little thought on the back of our head that’s like “I could just... destroy this. Just smash it to pieces.” but we don’t because that’s bad and we have a minimal amount of self-control? He just does it! And it PAINS him to try to stop himself, he saw a man boarding a bus with a loose thread hanging from his sweater and having to stop himself from tying it to the bus stop made him incredibly frustrated.

In 80s -kun, he gets in trouble more than once for drinking/eating things that he shouldn’t without thinking twice about it. It crosses his mind, he does it. Another neat 80s -kun thing that comes to mind is the Iyami germs story, which could be interpreted as a metaphor for him not being all that neurotypical, if you’re generous. Basically, it reveals Iyami’s uncontrollable drive to cause trouble and say whatever crosses his mind, no matter how shitty it is, is caused by those little germs who live inside him and, once they get out of his system, he immediately sobers up and realizes the impact his actions have on people, which makes him feel terrible and act incredibly apologetic, eventually going to church to ask God for forgiveness (after all, he IS a good catholic boy... in theory.)

Oh! And... my theory on why he’s such a crook in the first place? Honest jobs bore him. In -kun, he’s always bouncing from career to career, the first episode of 80s -kun is basically just him moving to Akatsuka district to try to make an honest living as a door to door salesman of... some sort of toilet brush with a bar of soap attached to it that he invented but when he goes to the Matsuno’s house and realizes their parents are out for the day his immediate thought is “You know, it would be much more easier to just rob them!”

But I think -san shows it even better in Ep. 6 of season 2. Before he comes beg the Matsunos for food, all battered up, it shows us that he tried four different honest jobs and ended up either ruining them due to his own lack of foresight (he tried to juggle swords without knowing how to and almost killed a man and opened this... establishment where he promised men they would get serviced s*xually by pretty women and when it came to it, he would be the one doing the services) or because he got so bored he ended up sabotaging himself (he spray painted the house of the person he was supposed to deliver packages to when in an Amazon-style job and ended up just drawing his own face on the heroine of the anime he was working as an animator in).

And yet! If he has a clear, set goal in mind, he goes above and beyond what’s expected of him to accomplish it! You can see it perfectly in Iyami Alone in the Wind, in which, upon meeting an orphaned girl who lost her vision but whose condition is completely treatable if only she had the means to, he immediately abandons his life as an unemployed samurai (or just a regular bum in the -san version) and decides to work his ass off to help her! Like, not even the prospect of starving to death was enough to get him moving before, but helping someone else he met once and was nice to him? Then he’s willing to work himself sick and literally go to jail just to help her! This is immensely relatable to me, because I too, have trouble dedicating myself to anything at all unless it’s personally interesting/important to me, then I’ll dedicate my whole life to it. Like, I’m either completely blasé about something or it’s all that matters to me, and it looks like he’s like that too! Another thing I find relatable is that I, too, have trouble doing things for myself, but as soon as I have to do something for someone else, it’s like a switch is flipped on my brain. If someone else depends on me? The mental block disappears completely!

Of course, he doesn’t only use these hyperfixation powers for good. Actually, he mainly uses it for nefarious purposes. It’s Iyami we’re talking about. In an episode of 80s -kun, when his phony health clinic loses all of its clients because Dekapan opened a real clinic and was actually treating the patients instead of giving them flour pills (ahem, medication imported from France) so they would keep coming back, Iyami locks himself up for an entire week in his laboratory developing a morphing potion so he would be able to impersonate Dekapan and do lots of shitty things as him so people wouldn’t trust him anymore. I should note he has no real medical or pharmaceutical expertise in this episode, he’s just a con man, but he somehow manages to create such a thing. His only explanation? “When it comes to coming up with evil plans, I become an expert!”

In fact, you could say his obsession with France itself is an hyperfixation of his. It literally came out of nowhere. The manga explains he randomly decided it was the best country in the world because he met a French beggar who shared his baguette with him. That’s right, that was all it took for him to decide to “become French”. And this took place just one year before the events of -kun!

Other, smaller things about him that I can personally relate to are the fact he doesn’t have many friends his age. I mean, his younger “friends” end up disliking him too, with the exception of Chibita, who’s ride or die but he gets along way better with younger people and animals than with the other, more “serious” adults of the show that are closer to his own age and that he has a little compulsion for sticking non edible things in his mouth just because. Not eat them (even though he does eat weird things) but just... nibble on them for a while.

Another thing I’ve always related to is his to poor body image. I can’t speak for him, but one of the things that worsened mine was being bullied as a kid. Kids are bad at distinguishing exactly why they hate someone so they just insult what’s more tangible to them, which is usually appearances, but I have no doubt what bothered them the most about me wasn’t that I was “ugly”, it was that I was “weird” (aka, not neurotypical).

Aaand this became way longer than I thought it would be... oops. I’m sorry about that. Have Iyami sitting in weird ways (relevant!) to make up for it:

[quirrrky]

Hi hi rei ! <33 How are you today dear ? (Hope you’re doing well ! ☺️💞) And omg tysm honey ! 🥺💗 Please nooooo — you’re the one who’s way way more beautiful darling !! ♡︎♡︎ For suga’s pic — ahhhh he’s so cute !! I can literally imagine myself sitting on the side of the bed gently ruffling his hair to wake him up — and he’ll prob mumble (whine) something like ‘it’s too earlyyyy come back to bed !’ then proceeded into pulling me back to bed asdfghjkl — I’d have problems of geese out of his arms bahahaha ! Sorry I talk to much again whoops — 🤭 Anyway Imma do you later love <33 Thank you so much again darling !! 🤧💖

Andddd well — I’m here for today’s ask game ! (If I’m not too late ofc — feel free to ignore this if the ask game’s already close or if you don’t wanna do it ! )

Comfort character : sugawara koushi (obviously 😂)

One thing I find is the most annoying : gosh this’s so hard to tell when you’re speaking of someone who’s a literally an angel like sugawara — too bad that being too pretty to handle doesn’t count… (lmao —) Well… I’d say… Hm — wow tbh I kinda have the same reasons as yours, the most annoying thing I find w. suga is prob that he loves to tease me too much and sometimes I’m just not in the mood for them. When I’m upset I usually get v. snappy and yell a lot… which I’ll regret soon after and will go apologize him quickly… *sighs*

For you :

Okay, idk why but I think Kenma Kozume. He knows you, yes — you’re his best friend’s girlfriend, he knows that he shouldn’t have this kind of feelings for you. He loves his best friend… but he can’t help but falls in love with you too… and that just didn’t help — no — making it worse for him to tear his gaze away from the painful sight of you two together… You look so perfect for each other… but yet sometimes he just wonder… why couldn’t it be him instead ?

Yeah yeah yeah — the angst’s coming up. And… asdfghjkl — why does this just inspired me to write something more too ??? I swear I just see my hands twitch as if it’s dying to write something — even when they’re writing this rn ahahahaha ! 🤣 Alright — I’m being crazy, chaotic — whatever, pls just bear with me lmao XD

Ah pls take care & have a nice day or night rei !! I love you babe ! 😘♥️ So so much — I don’t know how could I express my everlasting love for you, nvm I’ll just continue to love you more and more as each days passed ❥❥❥❥

- With love, BamBam 🦢🌙

BAM!!!! OMG 🌸 felt so giddy seeing you in my askbox 😭 waking up next to suga, him pretending to be asleep but just wants for you to ruffle his hair dsfghjkl;dfghjkl;'fghjkl; *keyboard slamming!!!*

and geeeez what a way to make things difficult! throw in the bestfriend! awtsu 🤧 in my quest to gain kenma's approval as kuroo's gf, he fell in love unexpectedly 💔

you! ilysm too! T^T your support is really something I appreciate sincerely 😭 what did I even do??? huhuhu....before we get to this drama let's begin a different one instead, so without further ado

🎱 your 2nd male lead is…

🥈 KITA SHINSUKE he wishes to be the one to care for you, it's just that someone always beats him to doing it first. if time was only in his side, then he could be the one wiping that stray sauce from your cheek

[yntcdtyler]

so here’s my lover secret session’s story... 02/08/2019 london 🏹🇬🇧

i got my dm on twitter on july 16th at 5:15pm and i looked at it thinking someone was trying to boo boo the fool me and it was really gonna say something like “stream ME!” so i opened it not thinking much of it and my heart literally SANK when i saw it was actually REAL. i got the phone call 4 days after from a girl called sara who was from Taylor Nation, she told me everything and i was literally in the storage room in work crying.

so it’s finally august 2nd.. i got up at 5am cause i literally had 4 different trains and 2 ubers to catch, when i finally got to my hotel it was around 11am, i checked in and got ready and went to the meeting point. i was literally the first one there so i panicked thinking i was at the wrong place but more people started to show up and immediately everyone formed little friendship groups who they seemed to have stayed with the whole day which was insane. i met lisa and emma which i’d recognised from twitter because we’d been following each other for so long and then georgia, evie & shiv all came over and we all just bonded and instantly became friends and realised we we’re the brits of the group, there were SO many international fans and it was amazing seeing people come from all over the world! our group was first on the bus and i’m not sure why but we were literally all crying like wtf was going on?? we drove past a few ambulances thinking ‘that’s gonna be our ride home after tonight’ cause at this point i’m like dying and then we finally got to THE HOUSE.

we all go inside, the ME! playlist was on, there was a huge moose head on the wall which we all became really intrigued by, a huge mirror to see ourselves ugly crying, there was food & drinks and little m&m’s with ‘lover’ and hearts on them and i have no idea what was going on in my mind at this point, like i didn’t know what to expect.

so then we all go to the living room we’re there was a bunch of cushions on the floor and a chair and speakers in front of us and i KNEW what was about to go down lads, it’s about to happen, we’re about to hear lover and i just wasn’t ready and i was sat THERE in front of the chair and a few minutes later... SHE COMES OUT FROM BEHIND THIS DOOR LOOKING LIKE LIKE AN ACTUAL GODDESS THAT JUST STEPPED OUT OF HEAVEN AND I DEAD ASS DIED RIGHT THERE THINKING ABOUT THAT AMBULANCE I SAW EARLIER ON CAUSE SHE JUST WASNT REAL. so she’s like “welcome to the lover secret sessions” and the noise that came out me was actually not human at all. she played half the album the first and kept apologising for ranting and going off topic which was so funny, she’s so adorable i was literally in awe. then was like “we’re gonna take a break so you can all go the bathroom, have a drink and stretch your legs” and then mentions she’s made us treats and everyone’s like OMG and she’s literally like “it’s just rice crispy treats i dyed in heart shapes” and it was just the funniest thing bc she’s just so sarcastic but they were the cutest things and just knowing she spent time making them was honestly insane. like i ate a rice crispy heart treat..made by taylor swift? sounds fake. so then as she’s passing them around, she’s goes into the garden and starts talking to everyone and thanking people’s parents and let everyone on her trampoline and just shouts “THESE ARE MY KIDS” with a glass of wine in her hand and it was such a taylor swift moment. it was just surreal like wtf? imagine bouncing on taylor swifts trampoline? i would’ve went on it but i wasn’t about to break my neck before listening to the rest of the album x

okay so we go back in to listen to the rest of the album and throughout the whole album listening part, i just kept crying and she kept looking at me and smiling and singing and i was just bloody in shock. there was one point during a song we’re me and georgia we’re holding onto each other crying and she just looks at us and tilts her head and gives us the most warming smile. right there we both died together it was unreal. but the album HOLY SHIT every song was INSANE. i found it so hard to pick a favourite so i have 3, this album is literally her BEST, and this coming from a speak now stan🤝 i was just the happiest i’ve ever been, it just seemed like a dream. seeing her sat there in front of me so happy and in such a good place, feeling so proud of this album and these songs just made my heart feel so full. what i was feeling in that moment is unexplainable. just pure happiness like i knew life doesn’t get any better than this... right it’s time for the meet and greets and everyone goes back in to the other room whilst they got ready and people started queuing then to go in and meet her, she spent so much time with every single person and seeing everyone’s faces coming out that room was so magical. the event was supposed to be over at 11pm and it’s literally 1:30am when it was my time to meet her. she’d literally been meeting people for HOURS and is 2 and half hours past the end time and she didn’t even mind. everyone was so eager to go inside that me and the girls decided to wait till the end.

so evie had just come out and now it’s my turn. i almost fainted, i was so dizzy and nervous and WHEN I TELL U I WAS PETRIFIED TO GO INSIDE, I ACTUALLY MEAN IT BECAUSE I WAS STOOD OUTSIDE THE DOOR REFUSING TO GO IN FOR ABOUT A MINUTE CAUSE I COULD JUST SEE HER STOOD THERE AND I WASN’T READY BECAUSE LIKE I’VE DREAMT ABOUT THIS MOMENT SINCE FOREVER. emma and lisa we’re stood there laughing trying to force me inside as well as a girl from TN. took me a good minute but i finally walked in, i walk over to her trying not to cry AGAIN and she’s stood there smiling at me and she says to me “it’s tyler isn’t it?” and i was like JDJSKDJD “yeah 😭😭😭😭” cause i didn’t think she knew who i was and i was just randomly picked by TN??? she then pulled me in for the biggest hug and i just felt like this is it, i’m gonna bloody pass out. I TOLD HER THAT WAITING IN THAT QUEUE TO MEET HER WAS LIKE WAITING FOR THE ELECTRIC CHAIR and i was like why tf did i just say that omg but she laughed and was like “omg hahaha it’s like waiting for the electric chair that’s so funny” then i gave her the lover necklace i’d gotten made for her so we had matching and she kept saying how much she loved and how beautiful it was. then said “i love your necklace” with a little smirk because i was wearing her ‘TS’ initial necklace and my heart just went HDAJHDJDDH. then she asked did i enjoy the day and i was like of course??? it was so amazing i couldn’t stop crying and she was like “aw i had so much fun, i love doing these” and then she asked how i’d gotten here and i told her that i had to take 4 trains and she looked so shocked and thanked me for doing that and asked if i was travelling afterwards and i told her i had a hotel and she goes “omg good, PLEASE don’t talk to any strangers” and i’m just like YEAH OF COURSE ANYTHING FOR U MISS SWIFT :’)))) i hugged her about 3 more times and i asked her about tour, and how she found me and she said she’d found me on tumblr and literally said “its tylovestaylor right?” and i was just like WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK. IM SCARED. cause i barely use tumblr because i’m the only one who reblogs myself??? and i’d gotten my dm on twitter so my mind was like wtf is going on right now?? i told her i changed my url and she said she’d follow me 🥺 then says “so do you wanna like... take a picture together or something?” YEAH OF COURSE, IM A BIT OF A MESS RN BUT ABSOLUTELY. she asks what i wanted to do for the photo like stand, sit, go near the piano? and i told her to choose because my mind was just all over the place and she says to me “i think one sitting down with our legs crossed over acting all (then does some pose) and stuff” i just couldn’t believe what was actually happening. we sit down next to each other and she grabs my hand and i’m just holding her and the photographer takes the photo and she tells me to have a look to see if i like it and i said i looked so bad and she goes “ITS SO CUTE, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL AND PHOTOGENIC” then the photographer told me i was really photogenic and tay goes “SEE SHE EVEN SAID IT” did taylor swift..who invented photos and beauty... just call me beautiful and photogenic? surely not. so we took one more pic and she said she loved it so i loved it😭😭😭 we got up and hugged again and i just kept saying i love you and she told me i was beautiful and i was like SO ARE U???? and then i told her that i still don’t believe she’s real and she laughed. we hugged again i told her i loved her as i was walking out she shouts “please get home safely” and i said “have a safe flight wherever you’re going next” at the same time and she laughed and was like “OMG THANKYOU?” and i walked out and the emotions i was going through oh my god. i’d just met my favourite person in the entire world? like never in a million years did i think i’d ever meet her let alone get handpicked for secret sessions. i was in so much shock like it wasn’t real. that never happened? i’m still in shock now and literally crying writing this. she was so lovely and welcoming and spoke to me like she’d known me forever.

AND AFTER ALL THAT, SHE DECIDES SHE WANTS ME LITERALLY DEAD AND LIKES MY POST ON HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. RIGHT AFTER I’D MET HER.

i couldn’t get over how beautiful she is, inside and out like i already knew that but seeing her in real life is so different, she’s literally flawless and so cute and delicate and i’ll literally die for this woman. thankyou so much, from the bottom of my heart @taylorswift for choosing me out of 100m+ fans, i’ll never understand why i was chosen but i can’t explain how grateful i am. it was by far the best day i’ve ever had in my 18 years of being alive, nothing will ever come close to that moment. i cant wait for everyone else to hear this album, i miss you and your hugs already and i forgot to tell you because my mind was blank but i’m insanely proud of you and will support you forever. promise.

[taeyongbestboi]

A day after Taeyong’s birthday, I actually dreamed about him lol

I’ve posted 3 stories of my dreams so far, so this marks the 4th yet I have quite a lot of stories of my dreams about idols that I didn’t publish. 2 of them are about Jaemin and Infinite’s L lol.

It is safe to say that I have a talent of remembering dreams? And lately, my dreams are all about idols lol

Okay I’ll start this one right away

I was at a clinic, like a cranial functional care centre something like that. I went with my mom and the inside of that clinic was actually pretty homey and comfy, almost like a daycare instead of clinic

There were rooms, but idk why but the doctor didn’t use the room, but instead me and my mom were taken to the 2nd level of the clinic and the ambience was warm and nice

And we sat down on the floor, idk but as I’m trying to remember the vibe it gives off I instantly think of korea’s sauna place lmao but instead of walls, it has a couple of large windows and the evening’s sun rays enter the room through the windows prettily.

She (the doctor) asked me to sit down with my legs straighten, and asked me to maintain a good sitting posture. At that time it made so much sense cos I actually have a bad posture irl lol so I was thinking like ‘well, it’s about time’ lmao :”))

She begin massaging my shoulders and she said that I have so many knots on my shoulder’s muscle. She did some gesture to help me straighten my posture and that’s when I saw someone with a blue hair right across me.

It was Taeyong.

You heard me damn right y’all

The. Lee. Taeyong.

I’m bawling rn lol

He’s not alone. As far as I remember he’s with 127’s manager. And the moment that striking blue hair caught my attention I immediately yelped.

“Wait, hold on. IS THAT TAEYONG?”

And my doctor just said

“Yes. That’s Taeyong...” while chuckling

Yes the clinic’s doctor knows Lee Taeyong. She knows NCT. Wow best dream

And somehow Taeyong noticed my internally panicking self (probs from my facial expression) and he decided to approach me.

I was like “omg no way”

Like he literally walked towards me, squat down and smile. AJAHYZBSKAYZGZBZUXLAL EOMMA, I DREAMED ABOUT TAEYONG!!!

The last thing I remember is that I got to touch his left cheek with my right palm ♡ it. was. soft. Like a baby’s skin :””””

Okay. That’s it for the dream ;)

p.s: the picture below is the closest illustration of how he looks like in my dream (I dreamt of it even before this video call happened so when this shot dropped, I was like “omg this smile looks the same just like in my dream”)

Photo credit: on pic ♡

[cptn-stvngrntrgrs]

TAGGED BY @natalierushmn ILY <3

5 things you’ll find in my bag - the holy trinity: my phone, wallet, and key case. ik these are three things but i count them as one bc i cannot leave without one or the other - laptop - power bank and chargers - water/snack - lip balm or hand lotion - but mostly only when it’s cold

(i usually don’t bring a bag when i don’t have class. i just have my phone/keys/wallet in my pocket or a small handbag lol)

5 things you’ll find in my bedroom -- (im gonna talk abt my dorm room instead xD) - my tangled tapestry + ravenclaw flag - stevenat shrine - those dorm beds that is 80% covered with plushies - UHHH i have basic dorm-issued desks and fridge ;-; lol tbh my room is bare - a not-so-CLEAN chair (SORRY GAIL) but i have one (1) chair and i’d have a jacket or the clothes i’m wearing for the next day folded there. BC I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO PLACE IT ON (i swear i’ll show u guys a pic of my dorm once it’s....... acceptable to look at lol xD)

5 things I’ve always wanted to do - i want to do a split. like a legit split. even just once. idc if it hurts. i want to do the s p l i t -date???? go on a freakin’ d a t e ???? disappointing, right? <--- this is gail’s answer but im not even gonna change that bc same --> HONESTLY AT THIS POINT I WANT TO EVEN JUST HOLD HANDS WITH SOMEONE - use a damn planner. literally. even just putting stuff on my calendar. bc im so busy rn but i still don’t use it i am a clown - learn how to drive bc commuting is basically a myth here in the middle of nowhere ohio, unlike socal or manila where i can always ride something - sleep like a normal person. deadass. it’s almost 5am and i am still rock n rolling here on tumblr

5 things that make me feel happy - WRITING FANFICS IS TOP 1!!! i love getting prompts from yall and writing them bc i like that i’m writing for someone and that also applies to those who read it and it makes me happy when i make this fandom happy like it really is a great honor <333 - sleep. i am happy when i am sleeping. idc where, idc when. im just always down to sleep. - MY DOGGY NAMED SIMBA HE’S A GOLDEN AND HE’S FLUFFY and sadly he’s also in manila so i miss him but i LOVE HIM SO MUCH OK - so by extension, being home in manila makes me the happiest :(( - eating ramen. drinking boba. eating kbbq. the little things :’) - reading fanfics; watching catws. or any stevenat interaction for that matter

5 things I’m currently into - this is controversial but i am very into draco x hermione fanfics rn. my cousin got me into it and im hooked. idk how and why but. it just happened. one minute i hated draco’s guts then i read one fic and my mind was blown. then i was in. but dw bc stevenat is still my #1 - harry potter in general. i’m new to this fandom and im still at the ‘everything is wonderful abt this’ stage - making spotify playlists for different things/moods. this is fun!! - traveling!!! i have this urge to go everywhere - skincare facial routine?? haha

5 things on my to-do list - eat healthily!!! i either eat 2,000 calories in one sitting or not eat at all. yeah i gotta fix that - stop BEING LAZY. sometimes i just want to DO things without hesitating or being lazy - DO MY DAMN HOMEWORK OR ACTUALLY STUDY. school is starting TOMORROW and im officially a 2nd year in college - i gotta get my shit together - finish my wips. i keep adding to them (i have a multichapter in the works :o) that it takes me so long to finish one lol (i either write one in one sitting or take weeks lol) - exercise. i already walk a lot on campus but i really wanna get into lifting weights so lets see :’)

tagging: @crazyaboutto, @superbcap, @makeprocrastinationyourbitchblr​, @unholyromanoff​, @avengrz-mcu​, @romanoff-danvers​, @gomustanggirl16​, @pico-bogue + whoever wants to do it <3

[cherubsoda]

Aster, iris, queen anne's lace, daffodil, and tulip for Dante? ♡ @heartstringsymphonies

@heartstringsymphonies ​ @chiliechii / @dokiquents thank you sm for the asks!!

i might do a medic one later, i just wanted to get something out (｡-人-｡)

asdfajg i fuc k ing h love this picture early the 2000s are shaking rn

its long so,, under the cut babey!!

aster: tell us about a gentle moment shared with your f/o

After a long day, we both find solace in each others company, no words need to be spoken between us to understand how we feel or know what the other may need. We sit in silence until he briefly leaves my side to tinker with the old jukebox across the room. A familiar tune kicks up and he makes his way back over to me. We share a smile as I slide my hand into one of his calloused ones and gently brings me upon my own feet. He tries to hide his embarrassment behind a smirk that quickly turns into a soft chuckle and a matching smile, when I finally look up at him. Swaying to the song we both know, he holds me close and I rest my head upon his chest. He’s humming along and I can’t help but to join him.

iris: compliment you f/o and share a compliment that they have given to you

I admire the love and commitment he has towards his family and his resilience. No matter how much is thrown at him, he stills stands back up and walks tall! He’s shown multiple times, just how far he’d go to protect his friends and family and it just shows how much he’s grown over the years :’) He’s always attentive, even when he doesn’t realize he is and I always appreciate his concerns

He’s my hype man fr, but a genuine compliment i’ve received from Dante was that no matter how hard he is to deal with, I’ve never gave up on him. My stubbornness and mother hen traits are his “saving grace”, as he likes to put it. I’ve always been level headed and only want what’s was best for everyone; as much as he appreciates my willingness to heal and listen, he’s afraid I take on too much too often.

queen anne’s lace: tell us how your f/o makes you feel safe

Dante is typically a very physical person. It’s just how he shows affection like the hard slaps on the back or the musing of hair, maybe most of all, the comforting hand that rests on my knee or a guiding hand on my lower back. In the least cheesiest way, he makes me feel safest when I’m in his arms. insert garfield propaganda pic except it says “you are not immune to hugs”. Hugging is so therapeutic to me and he probably picks up on that and scoops me up in his arms and carries me to his seat or upstairs to rest and talk about it depending on how bad my mood is. Also, just knowing how strong he is, makes me feel safe knowing that if anything goes wrong, he’ll have my back.  

daffodil: how has your f/o changed your life

Dante was one of those characters that one day I was like, “I’m gonna like him everyone shut up” and started binging the whole series; it was out of no where really and ever since then, he’s been one of my biggest comfort characters, especially since (at the time) he was from a series my friend wasn’t into yet. It was like I had a secret, something very personal that I had free range in! Having Dante as one of my f/os has allowed me to expand my imagination and - for some reason- I had an easier time sharing my ideas/AUs with my friend, since I’m usually shy about it or too scared to share them. It also allowed me to be as op as I wanted to be since dmc is just the kind of series where anything could happen so, it’s just really fun for me!

tulip: who confessed their love to the other first? how?

Surprisingly, me? We’ve known each other for years and always had a back and forth relationship (not dating just bantering sort), but after a while I came to realize that, oh man … I REALLY like this fool. A few years after the 3rd game I had hinted that I had feelings for him, which he waved off as a joke (also it’s canon that Lucia’c feelings flew right over his head, so his younger self would probably be no better or even worse) and didn’t admit his own feelings that he thought would pass and we kinda just went on like it never happened.

He’s had his up’s and down’s and thankfully, I could be there to make sure he didn’t feel alone and took care of him when he wouldn’t. It was right before the 2nd game took place when I really had confessed my feelings and made it apparent on how important he is to me. I figured it’d be best to wait until he was ready for a relationship if he really felt like it. Eventually, when things settled down after his return, he could return the sentiment and confess as well :’) im angsty but dmc is really like that

Depends on the timeline tbh asdlkh

larkspur: tell us a funny moment shared with you f/o

It’s not canon but it’s agreed upon in the fandom that Dante really can’t cook for shit, (which i somewhat agree on) which leaves me to do most of the cooking! But as couples do, we try and help the other one out when the other half is too busy or just trying to be nice. I haven’t been home a a couple of days since I’ve been busy dealing with demons and such, so Dante decides to practice cooking (god help us) to help out a little.

After a long string of missions, I can finally head back to Devil May Cry to - hopefully - catch up with Dante and pass out on the nearest surface. The shop is relatively quiet save for some music coming from the kitchen, so I head over to see what’s happening. Dante has his back turned, so I decide to sit at the table and wait until he notices. He’s whistling to the tune of a song I don’t recognize, while kneading some sort of dough on the counter. He finally turns to spin and toss said dough, only to let out a sound of surprise as he flings the dough towards me, almost knocking me off my chair and my only iconic reaction was to shout: “Mamma Mia!”. We both won’t let each other live that down; whenever something slightly inconvenient happens we’ll hear each other mutter “mamma mia" to ourselves.

[v0mitemites]

Black became my comfort color. I keep wearing it so I look smaller.

In all honesty I want to reach a goal weight by July. I hate the fact that PCOS played a role in me not being able to lose weight all these years and keep it off for good. But taking these medications consistently has helped me lose a little bit of weight.

My moms over here telling me if I did a few sit ups I’d be good, but of course I want to be lighter. I don’t want to be so close to 200lbs. And I’m tired of the doctors saying that I’m just some big fat ass that needs to watch her weight. For my future partner I want them to be able to carry me with ease, and I want to feel like a pretty doll.To motivate me to stay on track and to lower my binges, I want to be able to save a bunch of clothing photos on my phone. I’m also gonna focus on doing my makeup and look into a new hairstyle. Once my weight falls into a good range, I feel like it’ll bring down the dysphoria I have. Cus Everytime I go shower I have to suck in my stomach, and when I tried to take some cute/seductive pics I took one look at my stomach when I had my shirt up, and immediately realized that I look gross. Felt my skin crawl and I just quickly left the bathroom. I have a goal for February, it’s the 2nd rn so I’ll get on the scale in a few hours. My overall goal, is to reach the low 190’s by the end of the month. I know I’m ranging between 195-197. But I want that range to be 193-189. I feel like this year I’ll finally reach a goal weight of mine

[nerdgasrnz]

I had a very weird and vivid dream...

the first part was I was driving(?) on the route we used to take to where my grandma used to live, and apparently, on the way there, the corner store that used to be near the highway moved down the street. In its place was some sort of bright red and yellow restaurant. I was curious about the food so I went inside and asked about it. The chef there was a big Polynesian-looking guy, and he started cooking me a plate (idek if the dream was clear about me paying or him giving me free samples)

It was some sort of spicy pineapple chicken and rice dish with peppers. I saw him put the fresh core of a pineapple in a bowl (JUST the core???) and blend it with a hand mixer a little. Then he handed it to me to mix it??? I looked confused, but he urged me to do it anyway, so i did. It wasn't difficult like I thought, and when he thought I did it enough, he poured out the bowl's contents and plated it on a dish with rectangle sections. Note that in the dream, the bowl only had the pineapple core in it, but when he poured it out, it was a FULL dish of food I haven't seen him cook. Internally, I'm like "This is some 'Spirited Away' shit"

So he gives me the okay to eat the food, and I thank him for it and start eating. Then he asks me what I see. When I finish eating each section of the plate, there's a picture underneath in blue (the plates are porcelain) It takes a while, but the blue paintings start animating on the plate??? The first square had what I can only remember resembled pisces the fish, but they looked like they were chasing each other's tails in the shape of the "cancer" symbol.

The 2nd pic animated a fire breathing dragon. I remember it actually scaring me a little. (I can only think that these pics represented the taste and feeling of the food, but IDK)

Before I continue eating the sampler plate telling him about these weird animated plate squares, he stops me and tells me to come with him on his delivery car, which is the same bright red and yellow color as the rest of his restaurant. For some reason, I agree and go with him.

[Disclaimer: In real life, I can only hope I would not actually do that. In real life, I would also hope that the ink on porcelain plates don't start animating, regardless of how cool that might be, unless I'm high af, or technology advances so we have animated porcelain]

Now for the surreal part: the focus of the dream kind of shifts off of me and onto a completely different person's life. A different woman, who looks Polynesian, Asian, or mixed heritage, just like the chef. She invites a British immigrant, working as a cashier at Walgreen's to go with her. She looks skeptical, but she agrees. (Important to note that IRL, Walgreen's sells store-brand stuff called "Nice!" which will be relevant in a sec.)

Again, a bright red and yellow delivery vehicle for the restaurant.

Somehow, they magically are already in Britain, and they go to a huge diner set on the corner of a busy intersection. (why does that keep happening?) Apparently, she reunites that lady with her mother, who looks as young as she does, for some reason. The mom is a very upbeat and social person, who seems to enjoy her job waitressing at this diner (she can wear casual clothes, doesn't wear a uniform)

The mom motions her daughter, and other restaurant lady to go with her, and sit down at a table with a Black American woman to have a meal. (The black lady isn't me, and she looks like an irl celebrity whose name I can't remember rn)

So anyways, somehow, me and the guy also appeared there, and the restaurant for some reason, was the source of the "Nice!" brand in Walgreens (not true IRL) hence the connection between the mom and daughter. We were browsing and I was looking at the candy section with weird names. "Deer antler bark" was the most notable I remember, and it looked like chocolate that had the texture of said deer antlers. (This some Harry Potter shit)

There were some British boys looking at stuff, but they needed to go to the bathroom, which they needed a hall pass for (Why???)

They took the pass for the girls room, which was the number 6 (for some reason)

I decided to go to the restroom as well, but I took the boys' pass (which was a 10- June 10th is my birthday, but again: WHY)

I saw the boy banging the girls's pass against the wall (like playing around) and I was like "trade ya" for the boys pass, which he did.

IDK what happened between then and the next part, but then, I remember there being a weirdly cinematic part where the british cashier lady started sounding more serious and confused, talking about how we're seen as lesser by the gods, and she was questioning the black lady who wasn't saying anything, she was just looking down- as in she was one of the gods???

And then across the street from the diner were Thor and Loki (as in their MCU versions???? Post-Ragnarok????) and Thor was like "uh, I think I found dad" (As in Odin????) and they both looked up and apparently Odin was like 800 ft tall, and we couldn't tell where he was bc he was standing in the ocean, hovering over everything???

And that's where my dream stopped

[shultzing]

Dream Log 2018

dream Kaleb died

dream a friend of a friend (P.) was my human pet dog. after watching a bdsm mini documentary lol.

dream Dad came to school to say Christian had a terminal illness

dream Chris C grabbed my arm and said very sternly “we’ve become very good friends.”

dream Gianna pointed out that I mistakenly called her Jan. 

dream I ran into Haley and she acted excited to see me and I said Dad’s old line: If you actually wanted to see me, you could’ve contacted me whenever you want over all of these years.

Dream about Keith and I getting Starbucks

Dream that Sherri Bemis had a stillbirth (she’s actually due in less than 2 months.)

2 very short, unsubstantial/boring dreams about a current crush

Dream I befriended a cop and took him to BFF and felt really guilty for being friends w/ him but didn’t know how to get rid of him, and felt like I was going to get BFF shut down. Thinking back, I think the cop was a guy who is actually a member of BFF that I think is really cute (initials: T.M.) 

day of spring finals, another dream about crush. do not have much of a crush on crush anymore, but day before sent me a pic that i guess got under my skin.

Dream I got an oriental kitten

Dream a friend (K.C.) got into sex work and I was trying to make her feel better about herself but doing a horrible job and making everything worse

Dream now-former crush had something important to tell me, woke up before he could say it

Dream most recent ex-friend started texting me like everything was normal and i was in the middle of deciding exactly how to communicate “don’t you dare” but then woke up

missed several dreams in summertime

Dream that I realized I was bisexual... i think it was a sex dream but i can’t remember. About how hot boobs are?

dream that I ran into Gianna at some random event and was so happy to see her that i screamed and she looked like she was doing really well and introduced me to her new wife.

Dream about making out w/ M

dream that i was getting drinks at a bar and got roofied and found out the whole bar got roofied and was all passed out around me and i had to struggle to the door/figure out how to open the door and then gary came in and started punching the guys who drugged everyone and i woke up

dream that one of M’s friends was assaulting me and M walked in and saw and assumed I was cheating on him and when i tried to explain that it was nonconsensual M didn’t believe me and the guy assaulting me got mad and began attacking me and M just stood and watched bc he was mad at me and then my fam appeared and also didn’t believe me and just watched.

dream in which i bumped into a recent ex-friend who wanted to hang out, so came w/ me on whatever errand I was running and was acting really chummy and then she said something about having not seen me for a while and i went IN on how i felt about her sudden and complete absence in my life and lack of response to invitations etc and the last thing i remember from the dream is watching her collapsed on the ground crying and feeling guilty and knowing that she thought I was being unfair/that she thought she hadn’t done anything wrong

fell asleep thinking about falling asleep on top of M, began dreaming about sleeping on top of R. At first, was so happy thinking “I’ve wanted this all day!” and then realizing it wasn’t M and getting confused/upset

night before an exam, had a dream that I got the wrong exam time and missed it completely. this actually happened to me once this summer, for the record. but today, woke up, and had not missed the exam.

dream about antifa, don’t remember details

dream about befriending a cop to protect/save victor and conceal my identity. had this dream after going to M’s and there were cops all over/talking about cops w/ M

another dream about realizing i’m gay? what is this? this one was a lot longer and more in depth and has lingered w/ me throughout the day. I don’t remember many details -- i just remember that i agreed to some type of threesome w/ two other girls, and one of the girls I was neutral about being around but i was excited overall bc the threesome was going to give me a chance to hook up w/ this other person (a nonbinary female anarchist i know through fb but not irl.) so then we all hooked up and i thought it was brilliant and amazing. and then somehow it switched scenes to my mom screaming at me for something and I was sitting there thinking how much more she’d be screaming at me if she knew i’d just been w/ two women. idk. the night before I had a 3 or 4 hour conversation with a communist rad fem former sex-worker about how fucked up men are and how much they fuck women up and had fucked us up. it was a really depressing conversation that got way too real for both of us, talked about all kinds of abuse and conditioning etc and she said she was wondering if she was gay and i was like “what woman doesn’t wonder that??” so I guess that’s where the dream came from.

-___________- dream about julia and haley lol. specifically, talking to Julia, idk why, on fb and her saying we should catch up w/ haley and me asking what haley would say if i contacted her and julia said she’d be excited and want to smoke weed. I was about to do the whole spiel about being ditched/them being fake but i woke up too soon.

two dreams in one night: dream #1: Robert Tate was my boyfriend and I was embarrassed to tell Victor

two dreams in one night: dream #2: I had a wart growing on my hip and all of the skin around it died and i peeled the skin off in huge chunks

i can’t remember what this dream was about i just remember that M was far away and i called his name and he turned around.

four dreams in one night: first dream was dreaming M’s text back to the goodnight text I sent him irl. dreamt he sent back a text that was a little tooo nice, but it was still a nice dream.

four dreams in one night: had a dream about Haley and I hanging out, I don’t remember the context or if it was good or bad. knowing the pattern of these dreams, probably bad lol.

four dreams in one night: had a dream about Christian and I needing to carry some wounded animal or person. It was very small, I don’t remember what it was, but it had a broken hip. I kept trying to instruct Christian how to carry it w/o making the break worse and he was very frustrated w/ my directiveness and wouldn’t listen and ended up dropping his side of the animal and not caring. lol.

four dreams in one night: I had a dream that an acquaintance of mine, Celine, was going off kind of generally, not at me, about how she was a capitalist and how that didn’t mean she didn’t support colin kaepernick. Probably bc irl I was feeling stressed about calling capitalists grubby-handed in a fb comment.

dream about a professor i like, don’t remember it but don’t think it was bad. think maybe it was about getting a pop quiz? 

I had a dream about Victor when he was a toddler and just learning to form complete sentences. wearing that pink shirt with bananas on it. don’t remember what he was trying to say, though.

Another three dream night: R came over to my house to talk to me, but he was naked, and i had to yell at him to get out until he had clothes on.

2nd dream of that night: My roommate’s cat tried to attack my kitten and punctured her paw.

3rd dream of that night: I got lost on my way to clinical and I forgot my shoes.

I’m always hoping to run into/spot contrapoints somewhere and i had a dream that i finally did at a busboys and poets event. She was so nice at first and we were talking and i was telling her how amazing she was. Then she tried to rape me. I’m assuming this dream is connected to the kavanaugh hearing stuff that’s going on rn but WHY DID MY BRAIN PICK ON CONTRAPOINTS? I love her! But the dream was pretty scary. 

Dream that my eyebrows were so bushy and they had always been so bushy, i had just never noticed, and i was appalled

dream that i was sleeping through meeting deborah for breakfast. wasn’t.

dream that i somehow ended up having a sleepover w/ me and all of the old friends from Ledo’s. i thought it was finally my chance to see if Grady was into me (he wasn’t) then turned to jamie (he was). Everyone looked like high school, hadn’t aged.

stats so far: 15 dreams out of 29 were negative, 5 sexy, 6 about whoever i have feelings for at the time of the dream, 9 on theme of relationships

[kkukkung]

Im crying in the school bathroom rn I seriously love wonho so much I'm in pain why is he my ideal guy in every way he's so amazing and handsome and sweet but whO CARES BEVause he don't kno me haha am I right

big mood all the time im always in pain bc he rly................ doesn’t KNOW i would let him shave off my eyebrows if he wanted 2

tardy replies as usual under the cut!

(sorted from oldest to newest)

I wouldn't even care if wonho was a high maintenance boyf tbh I'd just sit and comb his hair all day and tell him he's pretty

hdjkfh this was so long ago but i think i was mostly kidding abt him being a high maintenance bf... like he would do so much giving? but i guess the only thing he’d need is constant reassurance that his s/o loves him imo jfdhgjk... i also think he’d b someone who either doesn’t settle down ever or does it very late in his life!

annie 🌹literary queen ❤️ literally crowned with a laurel wreath! not be drum attic but this midsummer nights monsta au is so!!!! give me sistar as the four star crossed lovers then drag me to h*ll and give me this doctor faustus au i'm itching for with kihyun as faustus and k.will as mephistopheles bc i love to watch my faves s*ffer but don't let me rip until i get my much ado about nothing au with the entire cast of starship ent and a lil cameo from giriboy!

(in refence to this monsta x as shakespearean archetypes ask!) fjdshgkjs shh i lov u... why is k will as mephistopheles so Accurate esp no.mercy k will lmao. um u should write all of these? in fact if... if anyone has mx literary aus.... hmu...... i’ll n*t

another thing about that incident is that it seems like the fan doesn't think Changkyun and Jooheon undersood them?? (an extension i guess they assumed they don't understand english very well) and that's pretty problematic. it seems to me that when they didn't respond the fan assumed they didn't understand and kept repeating it, as a joke. but they literally did That to the two with the most proficient english in the group... it's rly a mess all around. it's disrespectful through and through

(in relation to that gross “d*ddy” incident from a while ago) ik i feel like some intl fans think korea is a land completely culturally and linguistically alienated/divorced from the rest of the world or something and while cultural relativism is real to some extent... the idea that koreans are completely unaware of ~outside~ things is deeply racist. like mostly white ppl think that diasphoric poc are completely Different from them? when my mum went to the states 15 years ago some ppl literally asked her if there were newspapers in china lol...

i just randomly thought of monsta x as sesame street characters mostly bc i wanna see kihyun and wonho duke it out as bert and ernie (kihyun w/ the waste paper bin on his head and wonho asking 'where's the waste paper bin' and kihyun saying 'ask me that again and look into my eyes') and also minhyuk being elmo tbh...

JKGHKJDF PLEASe!!!! when will something like this b photoshopped... minhyuk as elmo is... spot on... i remember once elmo appeared on a now-discontinued late night talk show program i used to watch when i was in primary school and he was like “elmo likes wasabi, that’s why elmo has no eyebrows” and idk why ive never been able to forget this????? very lmh. also this made me think of a monsta x muppets au n minhyuk is the pic of ass-gape kermit.... next post of mine will b monsta x as kermit reaction pics

Hyungkyun is such an under appreciated ship. Like, they just get each other so well? Why do people overlook it. ㅠ.ㅠ Do you have a moment that made you ship them? How would you describe their dynamic?

it’s bc they’re intp x intj they don’t rly... Understand each other with minimal effort/real communication lmao it’s very efficient. both quiet lil darlings who aren’t emotionally That Open but enjoy their own little space together sometimes?? their dynamic is like... they’re weird in different ways but they’re v chill together. u can tell hyungwon is super fond of changkyun like he has this Expression when ck does anything at all.... i think these two rly love each other’s personalities bc they’re both kind/gentle/peaceful types and their overall ?? vibe is just highly compatible... they’re absolute darlings... v soft together... i can’t think of a favourite moment but i rly rly love their birthday messages for each other last year like changkyun’s message for hyungwon was like “ur rly cool bruh ur rly such a great person” and hyungwon’s message for changkyun was rly... just him obviously doting on him n finding him cute jksfdhg i lov them a lot :(

soyou: i know how to make hair pretty :))) knetz: dirty fckn iljin why can't she be out there being being PRODUCTIVE in society by having babies and learning how to be a good wife for her future husband ://// smh how dare she be successful now when i'm stuck doing what society wants me to do but also anonymously attacking ppl i don't personally know on the internet bc THATS respectable the irony of ugly knetz is so transparent

The whole thing about Knetz and wonho's "scandalous" past reminded me of something. As a PSA to those people who are so insistent and pushy that idols aren't allowed to have sex/date/be anything but straight: Fuck all of you. You do not own these people, and if you really cared about them you'd be happy if they were happy. Like tbh, if anyone that famous and busy could also balance out a relationship at the same time, I'd be so happy for them. It really bugs me how all idols are supposed (1/2)(2/2) have this squeaky clean innocent image where they have to look and act a certain way and have these stupid fucking dating bans because once they don't meet up to that image their success suffers. Idols already give up so much privacy, and the last thing they need is millions of people scrutinizing every little thing they do. I don't even know where I started this rant from, but basically, GIVE IDOLS PRIVACY AND DONT JUDGE THEM FOR THEIR PASTS OR FOR BEING IN RELATIONSHIPS OR WHATEVER

yeth ty for highlighting the gross obsession w purity and productivity (like the first anon said -- a very confucian sort of ideal)... i don’t rly have anything else to add here i think. also i would fight for soyou i fact i would fight lmh who said she was his ideal type in no.mercy era... she’s rly one of my faves and the way she was slandered for the hairdressing thing was one of the most ridiculous things knets ever did lmao honestly yuk

u a kihyun stan now👀👀👀

im a @fhiz​ stan it’s the same thing tbh

ahh so i saw your tags on that jh gifset! as one of the few jh stans (or maybe there are way more than i think there are lol) i rly love his "reversal charm." he has a lot of what i lack as a person: a strong presence and a lot of confidence! i respect him so much as a person alth i rag on him a lot LMAO. sorry if this is a bit long winded but i just rly wanted to put this out there ;;

this is rly cute i lov hearing ppl talk abt their faves lovingly it rly... Heals Me. i think it’s strange how underappreciated jooheon is in this fandom especially bc he’s usually the one who catches ur eye first bc he’s so hyped by starship as being a one-in-a-million talented rapper u know? and he rly shines in mvs and no.mercy but............. y does he have the least fansites jkfhdg ?? you’re v right abt the reversal charm thing but i feel like sometimes it’s very overdone like... on lots of shows he’s asked to do aegyo when rly he should be asked to... idk... rap or dance or something?? i actually think jooheon is the most serious member of monsta x sometimes bc he seems to have a sense that he’s.. the pillar of mx if that makes sense? and that’s why he’s always pushing himself and working tirelessly like he feels very Responsible for this group, more than anyone else. idk if that makes sense!!! i love him and i want him to... unwind a bit bc sometimes he looks so stressed and tired but he still feels the need to pretend to be energetic like my heart rly hurts for him :/ this got so emo im sry i do rly love to hear that u respect him sm i love jooheon stans :(

i can see what u mean about jooheon being 1 of the most masculine. (iirc u also talked abt kihyun being that in a post a while ago) like with his face and his physique he really is striking; his body=like that slim,upside-down Y that you'd learn to draw men w/ in Anatomy 101 , but i think.. ,--not that u asked, but,, i think the jury's still out on if he's comfortable w his masculinity with the way he acts feminine lyk misogynistic comedians Can sound like dead ringers for women,? idk & i take +

(not sure if there was a 2nd part to this? there’s nothing else in my inbox so i’m sry if there was and tumblr ate it) yeth i think i meant that his demeanor is the most ~~masculine~~ whereas i think kihyun is still the most... idk... mature-masculine?? if tht makes sense, and i definitely agree w u on that second point! i didn’t think of that at the time but now that i... do... think abt it... ur right and also the way he comes back from it by putting on the >swag demeanor again in an attempt to polarise it is definitely a bit 👀👀👀 he probably doesn’t want to risk his Manly Rapper Image for real u kno? that said it’s ingrained in kpop that behaving cute --> “girly” entails that sort of “comedic” high-pitched voice + compact body language etc.... like i’m not condoning that ofc but i definitely think it’s broader than this particular case! :/ hm

maybe i'd be doing better in school if i could major in kihyunology ;~; i stan him but i def think we still don't know much about him even after all this time after debut. especially when i look at him compared to wonho who wears his heart on his sleeve (bless him i love wonho sm, gotta protect this bun at all costs!!)...but ya it just makes me wanna learn more about him like who is the real kihyun??

i want to write a kihyun meta when i have time... i feel like i Get him a bit more these days but it’s also very hard to put into words bc u kno when u kinda sorta mb get some1 but it’s a feeling rather than anything conveniently expressable gkjdhfjk.... idk if anyone wants to send in some Kihyun Thoughts + Meta feel free! :>> i don’t think he’s actually... as complex as we sometimes make him out to be lol like his behaviour is actually kind of predictable? more on his later

wait is the february comeback actually true? ugh i'm so conflicted cuz on one hand i'm excited if there's really gonna be a full length album, but i also think they need more rest but then there's the matter of getting their first win and idk i'm super psyched but i'm also worried that the boys are being overworked

i still feel like they had a comeback like yesterday lol like looking at their schedules stresses me out bc they do so much..... im glad wonho got to go to his mum’s cafe recently tho! all we can do is have faith in them rn and when it’s time... stream, buy things if ur able to, spread the news and the hype etc. i am definitely Worried abt some things like the competition they’re up against but.... gotta have faith u kno... and i feel like all active idols are kind of... permanently worked very hard but i think currently only jooheon and shownu are a bit Overloaded. also has the date been confirmed yet... it’s february already...

[washington-is-my-name-blog]

Command Log #1 02/08/17

I’m 16, 17 in November, I live in cloudy shitty England. Doesn’t really matter who I am, but Idk sometimes it feels like I’m completely on my own, like even if some people say “oh no I’m here for you, I’m here with you” etc… it doesn’t mean anything because at the end of the day does it really matter what one person feels, it doesn’t effect anybody, I have nobody that depends on me, no one that asks me how I am or what I’m doing, so why does how I feel even matter. It’s not meant to be a depressing log or text or whatever this is, it’s just me saying what I think, it’s like I’m talking it all over in my head and my replies are on this log. Idk. I go to the gym pretty much everyday, I train at a boxing club, I play Xbox. My day consists of eating, working out, playing Xbox, watching Netflix and then sleeping. Then repeating. i don’t go out much, pretty much because I don’t get asked a lot, or often from many people. I left high school thinking my friends would stay my friends and truth is I don’t remember the last time one of them checked up on me, or even made much conversation. It’s all just mostly small talk, boring and pointless, without meaning. I’m single, been single for about a year, I’ve had a few relationships. All of them have ended badly, in both of us hating each other then eventually being okay with each other and being friends with the slight layer of left over feelings of anger and grudges against each other. Complicated af really. Girls like to fuck about with me, like mentally, idk why I might just be weak minded and easy to get to. I’m not a saint, I’ve done my fair share of sins but I mean, at least I’m trying everyday to better myself. I used to be hated by people, now not really but I’ve been kind so now people think I’m nice. I’m now the type of guy a girl says “I wanna find a guy like you” to, I’ve had that said to me a few times. Idk been in places where I’ve liked someone that has completely disregarded me. Oh well tho am I right, what’s the point. I just think now relationships and girls and the whole thing is stupid. I mean every time I’ve been in a relationship or been interested in a girl or had a ‘thing’ going on with someone it’s ended horribly for me, ended in sadness and regret. So now I just stubbornly think all girls are the same, most post overly revealing pictures on Instagram and snap chat, and then claim that lads don’t take them seriously or they fuck them about. Maybe if they didn’t post pics half naked on social media for every lad to see then they might find a lad looking for something more than their arse. Just my thoughts on that. N also the worst thing to see on social media is mean and popular girls sharing posts about how all boys are dickheads and sly and only want one thing. Then when they’re in a relationship they’re talking to 3 people on the side and arguing about how the lad doesn’t love them enough. Smh stupid people. To be honest idk why I’m still writing this, it’s weird cos I am not tryna make this entertaining, I don’t even intend for anyone to see this it’s just fucking freeing to write what I want. Guess it tricks my mind into thinking what I have to say is important. I don’t really have any special person to say this to, all the people I know have relationships, they’re happy and whenever I see them they’re on their phones with smiles cos they’re texting their girlfriend. Like I’m a distraction if I try to talk to them or somethin. I’ve tried to find someone, someone that’s right but idk I guess I’m just not right for anyone rn. I’m put off the whole situation of girls but sometimes I sit in bed listening to music wondering what it’d be like to talk to someone who genuinely felt something for me and wanted to talk to me as much as I wanted to talk to them. A bit sad how I’m even saying that but ay it’s not like anyone’s gonna read this. Today is Wednesday the 2nd of August, 03:24am. I should probably sleep, but I mean, what’s the point, not like I need to be up for anything tomorrow. I don’t have a purpose in life right now, I just fucking exist. I should probably get a job, or a life. Until next time ✌🏽

[madigabz]

Alan Gouze :) the name of the man that has had my heart for a quarter of my whole life!!! Wow, and he adores me even tho I am 100% a clumsy, forgetful, emotional HOT mess...I'm reading your letter and responding back as I go. Even though my feelings were a little hurt that you said I'd be sexier if I didn't get emotional, I understand. Alan I am a little mentally broke, but I'm different. And thankful for that. Bc even if depression, OCD, ADD, insomnia, all of my health problems, pain, overthinking overcasts me; I still shine. Tyler said something to me at Applebee's when I saw him. He told me that one day someone will come into my life and tell me that my hair, eyes & smile glow. I radiate in the sunshine, and I'll know what they mean by it when that day comes. I am so hard on myself but I've had a handful of people- strangers and close friends tell me this. And I know it's true. I know there is more to me than usual. I still smile, I still shine. And I thank fucking whatever god is out there that my glow stays. My friend Angel that did reiki on me told me I've been carrying something since I was a child and that's the reason for my anger. It's someone else's burden that I have put on myself & the woman who read my tarot cards said something similar too. I really do have a little bit of poison in me but something in my soul, or even beyond my own existence, has given me this gift. As I get older, I become more and more scared that the reality of the world will take away my light. I smoke so much I can't even remember shit anymore. "Lose you." That's the song you told me to listen to and I'm sorry that I forgot but you bet your sweet ass the next day I bought it on iTunes and listened to it :) I'm sorry I float through life to avoid realism and pain. I don't mean to forget everything just the bad stuff but I can't pick and choose what my poor memory holds... Emperors new groove. Idr if I've mentioned it before this, but I saw it on the shelf in my room today. (I gotta take some pics of the apartment for you). I remember coming over right after all of the Jackie shit & finding out about your mom. Trying to overdose. You cried on my chest & you were so emotionally exhausted. I believe your mom was still in the hospital and we put a movie on in her bed. Emperors new groove :) it was snowing outside and it was the first time my mom blatantly was bitching about me staying the night w you bc her crazy ass drove by and saw my car at auburn hills, when I told her I was staying at Courtney's. I never felt so close to you like you let your guard down and let me feel your pain for once. Selfish of me to say but it was honestly beautiful to finally feel you so deeply. Connected and so raw. I feel like I use that word too much, raw, trying to explain myself to you but nothing fits better than it. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Speaking of the past. Alan at this point in my life idk and idc what was true and what wasn't when we were together before db (that's vals name for now on-dumb bitch.) but one thing I'm holding you to is honesty. I care too much about you and this relationship to see it as a joke where it's okay to lie to each other. Like you said that was the one thing you kept consistent of so please don't lose it. I respect you for your honesty. It isn't a trait people carry anymore. Good or bad, through manipulation, brainwashing, reverse psychology, mind games, everything that come with this fucking sick generation..I do not want to be apart of. I much rather be in the 50's than this day in age. I don't belong here. Mostly I belong in the water ;) can't say that it doesn't kill me a little everytime you talk about threesomes, fucking other women, having a 2nd gf. You need to stop with it. You take away my dignity little by little everytime you say some fucked up shit like that. Gotta admit, you were right tho. Out of FUN and fairness I'm sure one day in the future you can get my happy ass all buzzed up and in bed with another chick. Just don't give her all/special attention bc it'll strain our relationship for forever after that. This does not mean I am actually cool w an open relationship, you having another gf, or having sex with anyone else without me. Starting a new chapter. "Everything will be ok." "No one should ever see you crumbling"...that's the thing, trust me no one besides you sees me crumble. I don't talk about myself to anyone. I feel this void most of the days and I don't want to put a damper on anyone's mood. I never open mssgs or get back to ppl bc they dgaf about me or what I'm going through, think, feel. None of it. And I crave meaning too much, in everything, to be stuck in a one way friendship. I have wasted so much time and energy into ppl who are rotten eggs. They'll never be anything besides selfish i and I can't surround myself in that type of environment anymore. I'm killing myself slowly by not meeting my potential in life rn. I need more meaning. Not to make things more complex but the opposite. To feel full and complete by understanding shit all of the way. And ofc to make it through this terrible generation I was born into. I do see what you see baby...well for the most part. And I don't see the good in everything :p I know I won't always have someone to tell me life gets better. It has always been this way. I have taught myself this. Overthinking just kills me so much! Being a Virgo doesn't doesn't help that I overanalyze either! Fricken OCD-.- my brain sees & thinks things way differently than most ppl. Soul gotta be like 300:) I know you think differently too. I love my nerds ;) so sexy to me. Maybe that's why our souls just click. I am sorry I was quiet the other day. You knew I had something to say and I didn't say it. It wasn't the right time but it isn't a big deal so o don't want you worrying about it baby. Was I really that quiet and meh that you could tell? Or is it just bc you know everything about me?..-.- blessing a curse that you do! But I wouldn't want another man to try and understand me anyway bc I know he couldn't. It's time to stop living life for other ppl you say...idk if it's your 20's or what but I feel like I'm redefining my life again. Rediscovering who the hell I really am down to my core. I love YOU inside and out & to death!!!!!:,( pouty face. This is the most settling and amazing letter I have gotten so far. Thank you for these words I really needed it. I love you all the way through your tough skin and down to your beating heart Alan. Changing my diet is the least of my worries and it's awesome bc I'm going to get sexy af!:) I've been gluten free before. Not having cheese just breaks my lil heart tho lol. Yes my parents have fucked me up. But I workdue with it and try to overcome the shiftiness they make me feel. Ik I'm a pussy. But my dad has definitely fucked w my head and has never made me feel good enough. Maybe that's what I feed off of you and why I want you so bad. My mom is just an emotional crazy lady w multiple personality disorder lol. But at least they didn't hit me. Just verbally f*cked my shit up. "Do everything your heart desires" "even if I get out and we can't stay together 1 yr isn't shit to wait" do you understand how absolutely fucking amazing it is for me to see you say that? You're right everything happens for a reason and it'll all collide during the time it's suppose to. The stories held in the fate of the stars ;) "before we know it we'll be 30 looking back laughing." Nothing has sounded more fulfilling than that small, little sentence. I am studying finally! And I hope the pain fades away w my diet too:( my poor locked up bf has to tell me everything is going to be okay. I can't even say anything to compare to this last letter. You were too smooth with your words, and I can't tell you how refreshing it is for you to be away from me through out a whole year and wanting to stay faithful. We were blessed with each other . Keifer was right, never could stay away from each other. You will always have me too baby. I can't tell you how bad I need to hear this. You have helped me more times than I count. And for sure more than I have helped you. I can't say thank you enough for making me feel so much better . You're the wind beneath my wings <3 & the cheese to my cake. Thank you for loving me for who I am. I reread our letters last night an I am so proud of the man you are becoming. You'll have me sitting passenger cruising in your vehicle in no time toots. A place, school, income, a dog :), happiness, prosper, feeling complete. Taking care of each other, midnight runs grocery shopping. I love you with all that I got, every ounce of my being. And I hope I WILL always have you. You are stronger than so much of the race around this world. I am glad you are all mine. Love you always my sweet, handsome man. I never mentioned anything about the pics I sent. The picture after the 2012 one was when I went fishing w Anthony and t the other day. I'm pretty sure I took some pics of the water for you, I'll have to look. Ofc next one is me omw to see you. I put a wonderful alnatural big tshirt mirror pic on there for you since you're all about natural beauty:p speaking of I'm getting all new make up bc I bet that's why women age faster as they get older! We get words looking you guys get better and we carry your children wtf lol. The black dress is what I wore to Josis party, I sent the one and only picture I took at her party. Does exhaustion look sexy on me baby?:b. The last pic is from the gas station I went to after seeing you. The sky was soo overwhelming in red. There a w a double rainbow and it looked to rad & gleaming from the sky. It was beautiful!! I also wanted to show you my red robe that I have two of(: silky and comforting af, I can't wait to wearing matching robes with you:) lol do yoga, face masks, spoil or ourselves and one another as well. I can't wait to run my hands all over your body and give you a massage. Rob made me Nutella and strawberries tn, made me think about how bad I want to lick Nutella off of your body right now. I got wet from just thinking about it..mmm I'll take some sexy pictures tmmrw night for you. Happy I'm coming to stay for a whole weekend next week. You're my kryptonite and I love everything about you. Give me time so I can give you a kick ass amazing, inspiring letter next!!!! You rule my world. Forever and always sugs, you are my forever and always<3 3 am and time to crash. Hope you're having a kinky dream About it rn;) just ordered that vibrator off of amazon and metal kegel balls bc I guess they feel amazing. I can't wait to be with you. Like we always say, sex and a real bed. It'll be so soon sweetheart and I will have money for us to get a place as soon as you get out. Thank you for telling me to go wherever you astound me but life is just not the same without my other half. You're my soulmate I'd do anything for you. Being in southern michigan doesn't effect me as long as I'm there with you. You're my sunshine..goodnight love.