#i'll take something deep and meaningful on literally any other day once in my life over empty platitudes every year

[eldritchqueerture]

birthdays were fun when you were a kid but now in the age of cellphone and facebook (yes poland still uses it) its just a day where everyone constantly wants something from me and bothers me and im supposed to be grateful

[iamfuckingsorry]

Sorry guys, another DE rant incoming. This one's not even on any specific topic, just some feelings about the game that I need to get out.

So, the game absolutely fucking killed me. I intentionally didn't play the entire thing at once to give myself time to process and it still fucking killed me. And by killed I mean I had to take crying breaks at work hiding in the bathroom. Like literally unable to go through a day at work without coming this close to a breakdown. And there's other compounding factors for that, sure, but still.

And it's like... It's a chilling social commentary with too many layers for its own good. The main character is a walking bundle of current and past issues mixed with the consequences of extremely messed-up past actions. The main support character has the best of intentions but is heavily flawed himself. Everyone else in the story is fucked up, really every single fucking thing is fucked up, yet the game itself keeps giving you these little snippets of hope. All the side quests where you can make a difference to someone. Deep conversations. Kim smiling. Realizing the people you originally thought were massive assholes were just hurting. The goddamn stick insect.

You are a violent and irrepressible miracle.

Something beautiful is going to happen.

In the dark times, should the stars also go out?

Streets and sodium lights, the sky, the world. You're still alive.

You still have some years. You still have some hope.

The only way to load the dice is to keep on fighting.

Kim being so hopelessly in love with Revachol even though he's been treated like shit by the city's inhabitants.

Harry being so hopelessly in love with Revachol, too, even though he can't even remember her.

The world is shit, but there's still all these little things that make it worth living.

And I'd... really love for that to be my take away. I would really, really fucking love that. But somehow, I can't.

Because no matter how much good you do preventing an absolute bloodbath in Martinaise, changes are coming, and they aren't good changes. The wheels are already in motion and they cannot be stopped, no matter how vigilant Harry is, no matter how much Revachol loves him.

22 years after Harry wakes up, Revachol's getting nuked to pieces.

Some 5 years after that, the entire world as we know it is getting swallowed by the pale.

Kim Kitsuragi will not live to see 70.

(Honestly, this is the line that kills me the most. He deserves to grow old, to look at his life and be happy with what he's done with it, at peace and fully accepted by everyone including himself for the first time in his life. And instead he's getting killed in a pointless conflict that will usher in the end of the world, or if he won't get killed then, he's getting nuked to death. Kim Kitsuragi will not live to see 70.)

Anyway. I know that that's part of the point. Horrible things are inevitable but that doesn't mean life isn't worth living and good things aren't worth fighting for. You can still fight the inevitable darkness while you're here, you should still fight the inevitable darkness while you're here, you need to fight the inevitable darkness while you're still here because if you don't, then what are you living for? And if not you, then who? If you lose your last sliver of hope, then you lose everything. Yes, life is terrible and terrifying, but life is also so, so, so beautiful.

And even when life is shit, it's all just part of a cycle. Sometimes bad things need to happen in order for the good ones to be able to come back again. One day I'll return to your side. After death, life again. After the pale, the world again. The good connected to the bad, intertwined so tightly they cannot be separated in any meaningful way.

And I think I'm starting to get there, I really do. After the pale, the world again. Even in the darkest of times there is always hope of a brighter future. After the pale, the world again. After death, life again. Un jour je serai de retour près de toi. The only way to load the dice is to keep on fighting. The stars will never go out, not even in the darkest of times.

But instead I just... I close my eyes and I think of Revachol herself begging Harry to save her, and I think of her burning, and I think of Kim not living to see 70.

And I want to cry.

[battlinghurricanes]

hey if this is in any way invasive i apologize i do not mean to make you uncomfortable & obviously you do not have to answer…

for some reason the obsession i had with the iliad a year or so ago has come back full force & im looking everywhere for content lol so i was going through my likes and some tags and i found one of your posts about a gender hektor fic and fuck i got so excited lol i searched for it on ao3 & i didn’t find it so i guess it never got published

but i just had to ask did it ever get finished? what was it about?

anyway i love all of your work! youre a very talented writer and you’re literally carrying the hektor/andromache ao3 tag on your back !!!!!! so thank you 4 that

Ohhh this is very sweet, I'm so touched that you've found my writing so enjoyable and care to know more about it <3!!! Thank you so much for the kind words!

You're right, I never finished my Hektor gender fic so it hasn't been published. At the moment, I'm neck deep in another Very Long fic for a different fandom that I'm adamantly hoping I can finish, so I'm not currently working on this one. However, I am genuinely determined to finish it some day because I have a majority of it written, more of it planned out, and it means a lot to me. I reread the wip several weeks ago and there are a few small places I want to rework now, but I think it's very strong and it deserves to be finished up. Right now it's at ~18k words.

Essentially, the fic is a rather indulgent take with Hektor sometimes finding an urge to see himself in a new light, and grappling as that leads him towards more femininity. The initial idea rooted itself in the concept of gentleness and delicacy in the midst of a war, and how the extremities of war would really warp and alienate those concepts. I see Hektor struggling with gentleness, both as something he fears he doesn't deserve to receive anymore (alongside deeply longing for it in the midst of all the violence), and something he fears he's not capable of embodying in a meaningful way. The fic's mostly focused on him finding and longing for that in aspects of femininity, but also involves how that internal conflict shapes so many other parts of his life. I found the emotional core compelling enough to write, and even though looking at it through the lens of gender queerness is still quite indulgent and improbable, I do find it fits it surprisingly well, too. It’s also a Troy Wins au, because it felt a lot more satisfying to explore that way.

For you my friend, I'll share some excepts that I particularly like c:

“...you cannot keep shirking your duty ... why you feel the need to waste your time on jewelry and perfume and daintiness ... no- that’s not...you need to focus on the war on our doorstep...”

Hektor berates Paris for the nth time, even when he knows it’s no use. But his little brother simply refuses to muster himself and do what he needs to do to help the city. It makes their relationship grow more and more contentious.

That grieves him, in truth.

Hektor’s exasperation and increasing anger towards Paris is well familiar by now. It leaves him prickly and drained when they fight. Though, in the past months, he’s noticed something else and something new.

Not always, only in some particular moments, he feels something else towards Paris. The sight of him puts a tight, aching cinch in his chest. He can’t identify it, can’t prevent it. He tried once to allow for it, but when he opened his mouth, the feeling didn’t find its place in the words rebuking Paris for his avoidance of battle.

So now he always swallows down the inexplicable sensation, ignoring it, and hoping it will someday go away.

-

It’s quite difficult to grasp the full picture in the little mirror, so abruptly he tosses it aside and kicks around his big, bronze plated shield from where it rests against the wall.

The shape distorts the images somewhat, and the scratches obscure it, but in it Hektor sees himself donned in the flowing dress. His lips purse into a thin, tight line as he all but glares at his reflection. It’s not... repellant; in fact, on a solely surface level, he finds it kind of nice. But with that comes an overpowering feeling that he should not be wearing this. Much less have put it on himself. It may not be disgusting on him, but he is disgusting in it.

The cadence of his breathing has gone so strained and unnatural that a choked gasp escapes him as he hurriedly tugs off the dress. Hektor puts it back into Andromache’s chest as neatly as he can manage then reclaims his own clothes, and he hates himself for missing the sensation of the dress.

-

The feeling only grows as he lopes down the palace halls, distracted and thrown off track. No one he crosses paths with presumes to interrupt him, at least, until he bumps into Deiphobus, who always presumes he could use a disruption.

Deiphobus reverses direction to fall in step with him. “You look agitated,” he informs him bluntly.

“I am agitated,” Hektor growls.

“I was just about to guess that-! Ohh, I know you so well.” Hektor rolls his eyes. “Luckily for you, I have some wine that pairs perfectly with agitation, you just have to try it.” Slinging an arm across his shoulders, Deiphobus steers him towards his room and Hektor decides he could damn well use some wine right now.

Dei pours them both a cup once they reach his room. He sits, but Hektor stays on his feet as he takes a long, unceremonious draught before setting the wine aside, earning an amused snort.

“Do you think I would make a good king?”

Deiphobus cocks his head and he eyes him sharply. “Yeah,” he states like it’s obvious.

“Now?” Hektor clarifies demandingly. Dei furrows a brow, and Hektor can tell he doesn’t take his meaning. “Do you believe that as I am now?” he elaborates. “I’m not talking about when we were young, when I spent most all my time preparing to be king one day. For as anxious as I was about it then, even I ultimately believed I could be a good king. Maybe not great, but good.”

He juts his chin frustratedly to stretch the tight muscles of his neck. “That was a long time ago. Do you think the same holds true now?”

Deiphobus purses his lips in a thin, tight line, staring acutely at Hektor, watchfully. The piercing gaze is his only answer. Hektor waits as well for a minute. Then asks, “Do you think I’m a good warrior?”

Deiphobus blinks once. “Yes,” he replies.

“I think so too,” Hektor states. “Not just good, but great. And I’m beginning to fear what makes a great warrior, makes a bad king.”

-

Her fond attention weighs on him, not heavy but grounding. “You’re very pretty and I like you a lot. Anything after that would be redundant, really.”

Hektor turns his head and the clink of gold chimes in his ears and the cool touch of metal brushes his neck for a heartbeat. He tries to focus on the prickling in his fingers and the flutter of heart, he tries to glean something from his reaction, but it can’t hold his attention. Perhaps part of what’s stopped him from grasping the nature of his feelings is that the unfamiliar sensation of unfamiliar adornments keep him acutely alert and aware of himself. Their physical presence is demanding.

“How do you like them?” Andromache inquires. Hektor licks his lips and hesitates, unsure what he thinks. “How do you feel?” she offers instead.

“...Tense,” Hektor elects to answer. It’s not a condemnation, disparaging the experience. He doesn’t feel... uncomfortable, like he had before, like he expected to feel. Andromache’s company blunts the harshest sharp edge of his self loathing, though he is still tense.

“Well, that’s never all that uncommon for you,” she comments. That’s... true enough, really. Hektor is a bit prone to- oh, fine- extremely prone to tension and stress. He blames it on his raucous family, mostly.

He considers himself as objectively as possible. “Wearing these feels like I’ve been preened.” He picks the word as best he can. The finery feels like particular care has been doled onto him.

“Good, you deserve to feel pampered,” she declares heartily. The words catch Hektor off kilter. He takes in and releases a measured breath.

He wears the earrings for the better part of an hour until one snags his hair and he carefully removes them.

-

He exhales, then smiles softly and pecks another kiss to her skin. “You’ll want for nothing while you’re with child. I’ll give you anything and everything you ask.”

“Oh?” Andromache returns. When Hektor looks up and meets her eye, though muted by tiredness, he sees humor glinting there. “Do you mean to say that all this time before now, you’ve been willing to deprive me?”

Disguising the warmth running through his heart, Hektor sticks his nose up with a huff. “That’s such a harsh way to put it. I’ve always been willing to give you almost anything.” Andromache hums pointedly. “But yes, now that you’re pregnant, if you even go so far as to try to cheat again to suggest that the horses love you more than me...” He dramatically takes in and releases a deep, steadying breath. “I will let you.”

“Oh such noble sacrifices you’re willing to make for me now,” Andromache crows, rolling her eyes, “where did I find such a selfless husband?” She pokes the tip of his nose. “I have never once cheated to gain the horses’ favor- for your information- because I’ve never needed to. Every one of them loves me the most.”

Hektor pinches his expression and swallows like he’s forcing down something sour. Gazing at her, he bravely says, “Yes, of course they do, dear.”

Andromache snorts loudly and Hektor breaks with a wide grin. He snuggles up beside her and she drags up the blankets, shielding them from the chill. “I don’t think we can afford to stop competing over the horses. If they stop receiving their regular bribes, they’ll hate both of us.” Hektor hums in concession. “I fear that bodes ill for how spoiled our baby will be,” she muses.

Hektor tilts his head thoughtfully. “Oh, I don’t think it’s cause for worry. I think the horses turned out great, and the gods know they’re all just big babies.”

Andromache’s shoulders shake with laughter. “You’re a fool!” she informs him.

Hektor gazes at her dark eyes, his mind swimming with warm fondness. “A happy one,” he declares, and Andromache shivers then pulls him into a kiss.

-

He feels like there’s nothing of him left. He has no avocations. He barely has any friends, at least any that aren’t his family too. Not that they mean less to him, but his family above all he feels obliged to, always he has put them above himself. They have needed him to. He can never truly separate that from any one of them, despite- because of- his endless love for them.

Of the rest... several already died. His companionship with Polydamas started fracturing early in the war. When Podes would implore that they drink together, he had to decline so many times he eventually stopped asking. Only Eniopeus and Helen really put up with him still. (She’s technically family too.)

If he could be detached, severed from his responsibilities, his family, his home, Hektor imagines he’d simply fade away, hollow and untethered on his own. Hektor can’t define himself outside of Troy. Brother. Leader. Protector. Trojan. Troy Troy Troy.

He doesn’t feel... bitter about losing those parts of himself, after all, they’re worth nothing in the face of what he can- what he needs to do for Troy. And yet, that does little to keep him from feeling empty and pained at their absence. It leaves him wounded and wanting even as he tells himself over and over that things are better this way, that the needs of his people deserve his time and strength over his trifling wants. Every last piece.

But Hektor’s only mortal and a mortal heart is selfish and fragile.

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 12

Click here if you are a first time reader.

Summary / TWs: Steve Rogers does not pass the vibe check yet again, le sad face. Loki is a good bro. Bruce fluff but what else is new? Literally everyone is a good bro, yo. Reader has best people. Tony's in there, kind of. Parents still suck.

For taglist: please send an ask if you changed your @! I noticed several people are unavailable :(

As always, my baby gay @miscmarvelwritings is the bestest beta!

"I think I am going to murder your father." Bucky's angry statement didn't surprise me. Neither did Steve's initial reaction, or anybody else's mostly pitying looks.

Bruce, my Bwucie, was calm and dejected. That worried me. I expected him to be at least a little bit green around the edges when Steve forcefully sat me down and made me explain the drunken, drugged stunt I'd done the night before, but alas, it seemed like Jolly Green was just sad. Or disappointed. And I didn't know which was worse.

The more I thought about it, the more defensive and abrasive I became. "And you'll kill yourself trying, he'll drive you fucking nuts" I responded to Barnes. "Honestly, I don't fucking see the problem here. My dad shows up five times a year at best. It's been like that forever. And it's not like I'm some kind of junkie," I defended myself, and my dad, because I really didn't see the huge deal about it. Relaxing once in a while doesn’t hurt anyone.

"It's not right!" Steve exclaimed, loosely banging a fist on the table. The self-righteous prick, seemed like he wanted to pick a fight just for the sake of it.

"And who are you, exactly, to say that? The moral police?" I blew up, standing and turning to the blonde man, hands on my hips. "Or you've decided to be my parent without asking me first? Keep your hopes up and maybe a fuck will magically appear, so I could give it to you."

He stood up in turn, getting uncomfortably close to my face. I was suddenly reminded of the fact that he was a very large, very strong man. "We want what's best for you! Can't you see it?" Rogers was getting red in the face, crossed arms, staring at me down like I was dirt under his shoes.

"How about..." I seethed, having to stop mid-sentence to swallow the scream that wanted to erupt. "How about... You FUCKING ask me what I want?"

"I suggest the Captain leave to go calm down," Loki suddenly piped up. He stayed silent throughout the whole conversation, picking at his food instead. Only after his sharply uttered words I noticed he had stood up. His hand hovered over my shoulder, body discreetly wedging between me and the Captain.

I heard Steve growl before he stormed off, throwing an annoyed look at Loki. A pregnant silence hung in the room. The longer it lasted, the more I wanted to crawl out of my skin, suddenly hyper aware of all these people - strangers, save a few - debating on what to do with me. Like I wasn't a person. Like...

"Ugh, fucking hell," I growled, beelining for my bag. I had definitely overstayed my welcome.

"Where are you going?" Bruce asked, standing up to follow.

"Home," I replied curtly, nodding my thanks to Loki for the intervention. He nodded back, walking off. I would have probably started swinging at the Icicle Dick if not for the raven haired Asgardian's timely interruption.

"I'll drive you," Banner trotted after me like a dejected puppy. I didn't have the mental capacity to deal with this, at all.

"I need to see Tony first. Meet you downstairs?"

Bruce nodded, looking even more confused.

Tony kissed me hungrily, in between promises to kill Steve and cancel my dad and get me my own apartment in the tower. Believing in fairy tales wasn't something I was ever prone to; I smiled, nodded along and did my best to shut him up with my own mouth on his. I left with the promise to text him as soon as I got home.

"How are you?" Bruce asked me as we once again drove through the busy city. This was becoming a nice habit but we really had to meet up when I wasn't going through another one of my turmoils.

"All things considered, I am great. Better than I've been in a while." I answered honestly, meaning it. However brief Tony's attention would be, it still satisfied me. Then and there I decided to always, always cherish what happened during my brief stint in his arms.

"Really?" Banner's warm smile was an unexpected but pleasant surprise. "Care to share?"

It threw me for a loop. I didn't know how much Tony wanted to disclose regarding what happened between us. I didn't know the extent of his friendship with Bruce. I didn't know...

"Tony," I choose the usual option. Admit what you can't deny, deny what you can't admit.

"I know the feeling," The good doctor chuckled, companionable-like and meaningful. "He tends to go all the way for the people he cares about. Too much, if you ask me."

"What do you mean?" I was confused. Sure, me and Tony were friends. But not, like, super close or anything. We'd fucked, or more like messed around, so I expected our friendship to grow colder. That's what happened when friends decided to bump uglies.

"I mean... He'll move mountains and challenge the government and bully them into dropping charges against you," There was a hint of sadness in Brucie's voice. I vaguely recalled seeing something on the news, something about the Hulk and a massive destruction spree. It didn't take long to put two and two together.

I reached out, putting a hand on his knee. He covered my palm with his own, giving it a brief, warm squeeze.

"It must be great having a friend like that. You're both wonderful and brilliant. You deserve no less," The smile threatened to split my face in two.

Bruce returned the smile but the sadness didn't go away. "You realize that extends to you, right?"

"Me? I'm just me, Bruce." I wasn't sure where this was going. "I'm Peter's classmate and the resident hot mess express."

Bruce frowned, deep and long, up until he parked. Life seemed to be taking back all the happiness it gave me previously-in fucking buckets. The strap of my bag was going to get its threads pulled out with the way I was fiddling with it.

"Baby… Princess?" The scientist turned to me, tone torn somewhere between stern and pleading. "Listen to me. You are brilliant. Incredibly smart, talented and beautiful. Don't ever, ever think of yourself as less than any of us." I gaped at him.

Did he mean us as the Avengers? Us as Tony and Bruce? Meanwhile he continued, "In fact, I think you are the one who deserves so much better. I don't know what Tony found in me… Or what you found in me."

Was the man an idiot or yes? That was the question of the day. Cursing Tony's affinity for small cars (bless me and my own SUV), I only hesitated a moment before grabbing the dumb Banner by his face and startling him into looking straight in my eye. "If you don't quit talking all that fake-ass bullshit, I will kiss you. On the mouth. With tongue."

"Uh," Was his articulate response. I watched him squirm, blush and lose the heat to his argument.

"Exactly. I've had it all with you idiots today. Next time someone says some stupid ass fucking thing, I will kiss them. On the mouth, with tongue. Pass it on," I exhaled, releasing his face and dropping my head onto his shoulder.

"Some way of solving conflict you have," Banner chuckled weakly, throwing an arm around my shoulders. "I'd like to see Steve's reaction."

"A boner, probably, because he needs to get laid before he spontaneously combusts," I grumbled venomously, still bitter about his reaction. The Capsicle needed to chill. Hehe.

"I'll pass it on too," Bruce remarked wryly. "See you next week?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Bwucie, you're the fucking best," I kissed the scientist on the cheek, giving him a tighter than usual parting hug and walking up the pathway. Home.

Mother was nowhere to be seen - and the obvious reason for that laid on the kitchen floor. Couple of smashed dishes, a bottle of whiskey laying half-empty in a puddle on the grey tiles. The living room rug bore more stains and the smell of alcohol, bitter and acrid (like my soul, hardy har), hung heavily throughout the whole house.

At least I wasn't the only one who fought for myself that day. Mother probably had landed a good one on dad, too, by God the woman could be ruthless with her icy words. Dad never stood a chance. I've felt begrudgingly respectful of the way mother put people in their place with her words ever since I understood sarcasm.

First things first, I cleaned up the mess and opened the windows a smidge, cranking the air recuperation system to the max. Hanging around a place that smelled like a bum on a good Friday night was a horrible way to spend free time. Having successfully cut myself and bandaged the cuts up, I retreated to my room, not wanting to spend more time than necessary in the quiet, stinky, creepy house that my home had become.

My phone was long dead so I plugged it in, waiting for the 2% to appear, turning it on. A few messages from Peter, first cheerful, then worried and then relieved. Tony must've placated the spider child and told him I was staying at the tower. Good call, Tones, or else poor Peter would've worked himself into an anxiety attack and crashed in a dumpster while patrolling. Or something. I still didn't quite get his spider-hero side-gig.

A text from Bruce - rather, a photo, of a disgruntled Steve with his eyebrows raised, titled "I told him the next time he freaks out, you will kiss him. With tongue. Barnes cackled for about ten minutes until he ran out of air."

And a text from Tony. My chest tightened when I opened it. "Good tactics. Sneaky, clever, I'd give it a B+."

I snorted. Then the phone beeped again and I froze. A text ordering me to be ready tomorrow, for a date night? Unreal. I was torn. A part of me was elated, thinking Tony wanted to keep me around like that. The other, more sensible part, was firmly telling me to chill TF down. He'll most likely kindly reject any further intimate interactions, maybe have me sign a few NDAs.

I still answered positive, mushy and cute and all. Feelings aside, I wasn't about to change my texting style for any man. My God, I was turning into a monster. A horribly cheesy, pink, soft, fluffy monster.

The next day, school was nearly unbearable. People talked. Not to my face, of course, since the rumours of me putting away Flash Thompson were still fresh enough for everyone to be cautious around me, but the whispers followed me throughout hallways, tongue in cheek remarks thrown at me from the bathroom stalls, behind the teacher's desks. Did I care? Nope.

Okay, I did, but not in the way one would think. The little spring in my step, a slight smirk. My thoughts were occupied with my upcoming dinner with Tony.

Peter and his pet nerds stood at my side, the ever watchful guards. I had no idea why they decided I needed reassurance or their comfort (I did not), but I had to admit it was cute. MJ, in particular, glared her Death Ray Stare at any male-identifying student that dared to as much as look wrongly in my direction. I mostly ignored the trio. Pete himself did a great job with entertaining his friends, he babbled on as usual, about everything and nothing in particular. Mouth ulcers. He was going to get them one day.

Dad called me during third period, saying he was flying off to California. I would have been lying if I said I didn't know why he scheduled the sudden trip; mother's total radio silence and the absence of her laptop in her own office spoke volumes about the state of my family's affairs. They had a fight and ran off to the opposite ends of the continent. I didn't understand why mother was upset with me, though. I saved her face during dinner at Tony's, so why is she mad about me going to a party with dad? Baffling woman.

Admitting the house felt like home when either of them were absent was hard. Or, perhaps, I felt nothing at all. Spending so much time around the Brady Bunch- the Avengers made me too soft for my own liking. It wasn't just Tony that lived in mind rent-free all the time now; there was Bruce, with his kindness, Bucky with his overgrown teenager attitude, Wanda with her wit and hair that smelled like cheap shampoo - seriously, I absolutely had to show her the benefits of decent hair products. That was just to list the few little quirks. There were so many people, all of them different and wonderful in their own way.

To summarize it, I was both happy for them and bitter for not having any of that to myself. Although it made me kind of glad I didn't have a sibling - looking after someone in the mess that mother and dad created would've been a nightmare. They say it's always a better place where we are not.

I went through a whole pack of cigarettes in a span of a couple of hours. Plagued by strangely melancholic thoughts, trying to push down the anxiety over my upcoming date, my choice of outfit proved to be a cumbersome task while in process.

Expensive but simple dress with spaghetti straps, in my favourite colour. That was the easiest part. A good base for any accessories. Would Tony like it? Would the press make outrageous comments?

Either way, it would. Dad's comments cut deeper than I probably realized it until now; in a sudden bout of self-awareness and a couple of mouse clicks later... Tony wouldn't care. Tony wears suits with sneakers. The Manolos flew back, towards my shoe closet, and a pair of Chanel trainers made their debut. A Hermes 2002 barely weighed down by my wallet, keys and phone. A nice coat, too, appropriately light and so very conceptual and fashionable.

I spent way too much time deciding on what to wear. A stern talking to, however, didn't help me, and I had to redo my make-up - the "nude", "all natural" look was one of the hardest to nail. Or so Marie Claire said. Whatever, my highlighter game was, as usual, on point.

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub ​ @mostly-marvel-musings  @vozit ​ @littlegasps ​ @pilloclock ​ @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads ​ @hermione-grangers-wife ​ @individualistfem ​ @sleep-i-ness @gigglyfox01 @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway (it finally let me tag you)!

[lovetaylorswift29]

Lyrical Deep Dive:

Death By A Thousand Cuts

Kaylor analysis 👁

My, my, my, my My, my, my, my My, my, my, my My, my, my, my My, my, my, my My, my, my, my My, my, my, my My, my, my, my

Echoing “my, my, my, my, my lover” signifies DBATC and Lover are about the same relationship.

Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts Flashbacks waking me up I get drunk, but it's not enough 'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby I look through the windows of this love Even though we boarded them up Chandelier's still flickering here 'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not It's death by a thousand cuts

Taylor is saying goodbye to being seen publicly with Karlie. She has flashbacks to better times when they were glass closeting, feeling on top of the world. She gets drunk to deal with the pain of keeping their relationship a secret, because when morning comes they cannot be seen together. Despite not being able to publicly acknowledge her relationship with Karlie, she looks forward to the times they still share together privately, and knows it was their decision to board their relationship up. The public no longer thinks they’re friends - no paparazzi photos of them around the city, no longer attending events together. It’s all been boarded up, even for Kaylor fans. The chandelier is still flickering though because they are still in a relationship, but it’s extremely private and requires keeping secrets, sneaking around, PR stunting, etc. While this decision may have seemed necessary for both of their public images post-Kissgate and originally worked for them, it’s exhausting to keep this charade up - it’s “death by a thousand cuts”.

I dress to kill my time, I take the long way home I ask the traffic lights if it'll be alright They say, "I don't know" And what once was ours is no one's now I see you everywhere, the only thing we share Is this small town You said it was a great love, one for the ages But if the story's over, why am I still writing pages?

Taylor goes through her day - doing press, attending award shows, etc. I see “take the long way home” as having two potential meanings - she’s taking the long way home, a secret route to get back home and be with Karlie, or she’s saying this whole charade of them no longer being seen together in public is for a planned end game, one where they can eventually be open and together outside their home. This long winding road has had many unexpected turns, they’ve needed to pivot around with their long-term plans - the ending is not in sight and Taylor worries about the uncertain scenarios ahead of them.Their relationship being “no one’s now” I think is reference to the fact that the public no longer sees them together - people who enjoyed their public outings, the speculation of them being more than friends - it’s no longer out in the open to be discussed by the general public, even Kaylor fans, who need to look for clues and signs that a relationship between them still exists.

Taylor sees Karlie everywhere around New York City - whether on a huge billboard in Times Square or having flashbacks when she’s in a neighborhood they once enjoyed publicly together. They still share NYC - both of them are residents (probably living together), but it’s all memories now and literal images of their faces plastered around the city as a constant reminder that they aren’t able to be honest about their love in interviews or with their fans. The YOU she is referring to about it being “a great love, one for the ages” could be both her and Karlie themselves reminiscing on better times in their relationship (Victoria Secret fashion shoots, Vogue cover shoots - when Kaylor basically ruled the world). I think the last line in this verse is Taylor talking to the public and her fans - if you assume Kaylor is over, you’re mistaken, since she’s still writing their love story into her music.

My heart, my hips, my body, my love Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch Gave up on me like I was a bad drug Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club Our songs, our films, united, we stand Our country, guess it was a lawless land Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand Paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust Tryna find a part of me you didn't take up Gave you so much, but it wasn't enough But I'll be all right, it's just a thousand cuts

Taylor’s in bridge city again here - describing the pain of keeping something so meaningful and such an important part of your well being a secret. It’s the hardest things she’s ever had to do because it’s consuming so much of her time and energy to avoid any PR slip ups. I’m very much theorizing here, but I think the next few lines relate to Karlie’s stunting with JK and eventual “marriage”. Maybe Taylor didn’t expect Karlie to go as far as she did with their “relationship” or contract. Who knows the logistics that went down (I certainly don’t), but maybe Karlie grew impatient with Taylor changing her coming out plans and decided to go forward with the PR stunt because of reasons related to her own career - I think this caused problems for them, which they obviously got through and PIVOTED their end game plans, but I think Taylor took it as a hard blow and probably hates seeing images of them online or in magazines - she’s searching for what they once had in places they once were out in public, happy together. I also think the 2016 election results played a part in Karlie/JK’s arrangement - “...united, we stand / Our country, guess it was a lawless land”. Karlie realized the effects this has had on Taylor and tries to quiet her fears and comfort her, reassuring her that this won’t be forever - both her and Taylor know that they will be together in the end.

The next few words are the most telling to me, with Taylor acknowledging how much this stings and is a result of their back and forth plans for coming out. I’ll theorize that Taylor originally was the one pushing off the plans, fearing she had more to lose at the time and taking things very seriously post-Kissgate. Limited Kaylor being seen out together to eventually becoming non-existent, sparking rumors of a feud and falling out. Who knows what they originally hoped would happen when they were glass closeting, but Taylor panicked and she’s still dealing with the repercussions of that. She’s consumed in everything she does throughout the day by her feelings for Karlie and memories to happier times where they were free to be seen out in public and support one another. Taylor maybe feels like she gave Karlie so much of her love but it wasn’t enough to stop her from re-signing her contract and taking things to a 10000 with JK, especially when Taylor has kept her beard so low key and out of the way for the most part. After she calmed down she realizes she overreacted and that what she has with Karlie is too real and more important than what the public reads or says about them. They are still each other’s end game. It’s going to be all right, but the daily pain of hiding someone so important in your life, especially when you were once inseparable in the public eye to now people assuming you hate one another isn’t the end of the world, “it’s just a thousand cuts”.

[jjungkooksthighs]

1st: I enjoyed the album. Top 3 are Stay, Dis-ease and Telepathy 💃🏽I'll be honest, I liked the MV for Life Goes On but there was something going on with the bass 🧐 plays fine on spotify tho. I know there's people out there that are really struggling during these times and the songs hit harder personally for them while other people weren't expecting the style Life Goes On brings. Its an album for the fans and not my 1st choice if I was trying recruit new people lol Hope I made sense XD💜

 You made sense! I totally feel this. I am a dedicated and very loyal fan myself as someone that has been following them since their debut in 2013, so I have supported them for a very long time and will continue to do so for the many years yet to come.

However, if I had someone I was trying to introduce BTS to, I think I would show them the previous work of BTS like Love Yourself: Tear or Wings, for example. Maybe after that, I would bring this album to their attention, but I would definitely recommend BE for those who are struggling. It is a good source of comfort, for sure, if you are going through a rough time and I can understand how others would love this album as I have already seen. I think the boys put in work for this one and it definitely shows! I’m especially proud of Kook for his directing skills in the MV. It was very well done and I am so glad he seemed to have had a good time doing that as he stated in the Global Press Conference yesterday!

BE is a very interesting album in terms of the styles of the songs with three of the eight being retro-themed (Dynamite, Telepathy and Dis-ease) with the other three being slower and more melancholy (Life Goes On, Blue and Grey and Fly To My Room). Personally, I liked 7 better than this one, but that is just my opinion! I have seen lots of other people on Tumblr commenting their favorite songs off BE amongst other loving praises that I’ve come across and I think that is wonderful. 

For me, though, I will say that Life Goes On definitely caught me off guard as I wasn’t expecting that style of song at all. Despite that, the fact that my bias directed this MV was something very unique that I really enjoyed seeing. If words would embody this song, I would choose succor’s solace as the epitome of this track. It is relief rolled into audio and it is such a gift to have a song like this in the hard times that we have been attacked with. This is certainly a song that you’d listen to on the way home from work after a long day or while you’re in the midst of studying, doing schoolwork or even at home working on assignments or tasks for your job. It is also something you’d listen to when you feel like the problems and struggles you face are just too much and need to be reminded that, per the song’s title, life continues on and that we must push forward to enjoy the little things and the big. I liked this track the most, I think. I myself am facing some things in my life right now and the core message of this song resonated deeply with me. To that end, this track is every bit the comfort song they intended it to be and this song, along with Spring Day, sit at the same table for breakfast, lunch and dinner!

Fly To My Room’s mellow beat is something that I think would be a great listen at night after the trials and woes of the day and it was interesting to see sope/vmin in the same track and how those two subunits meshed together to create something entirely new and unseen before. 

Blue and Grey... this one sounded familiar to me and it took me all but two seconds to realize where I had heard it before. This is the same song that Taehyung teased in Bon Voyage when he was sitting in the canoe out on the lake. The song sounded so very different in this rendition and I was very surprised to see this song in the album when I had originally thought it would be in Tae’s mixtape! This is definitely a song you listen to in the rain and when the sun has been masked by the clouds in the sky. It is also a song you’d listen to once the sun has set and you walk outside just to have some fresh air and reminisce either about the past or to think on the stresses of your present. I think this track has the power to ease both and that is a powerful thing, indeed.

Telepathy I really liked! I think the upbeat form of this one definitely was a nice break from the slow beat of the first three songs on the album and, because this one is BTS’s love letter to ARMY, I think that is a very special thing that we as their fans should cherish in their thought towards us during the times that have befallen us and taken from us (and them) their ability to see us beyond a screen. I think the flow of the song is perfect and the flux of the voices of the members works very well for the positive energy they are trying to instill in it. From beginning of this song, when I heard it, I knew I was going to like it. It had a starry, celestial vibe to it and for some reason, when I hear it, I think of shooting stars that fly through the night sky. True to that image, this is a song you’d listen to when you’re with friends to recall the bonds you make with those closest to you (and those farthest from you) no matter where in the world they are. This is a song you’d also listen to to PARTY PARTY, YEAH! (I’m sorry, but ever since I heard that from Kook, it has been living in my mind rent free) In any case, this is a nice song to uplift you and would also be good to put on after a bad day so that you can look back on all the good things life despite the bad. That message is a very strong one, indeed, so that definitely makes this song a favorited one for me.

As an English major at my university, the title of Dis-ease was interesting as someone that often studies semantics and semiotics in language and literature. It was intriguing to see that they chose to deconstruct the word of disease and split it into its alternative form to convey an entirely new meaning from what one might assume the word means at first glance. While they could have chosen to name the song DISEASE, which is a word associated with sickness, illness or an ailing, afflicted health condition that most link with weakness and feebleness, BTS decided to utilize a play on words and use an older version of the word that now has two different meanings linked with it, I found it fascinating that they named the song what they did, for dis-ease was often used in the past to denote a lack of ease or absence of relief in an individual. It was only later that the word was changed once individuals started tagging health related conditions with actual infections or maladies when viruses and mental illnesses began to gain a name for themselves in the colonizing world. Ironically enough, the word dis-ease is now used by medical practitioners in healing environments for individuals that are on the road to eudemonia or betterment of themselves and the word is purposefully used to endow awareness of compromised health on a singular cause or root.

I don’t think I need to explain why that is significant in the scheme of the situation that our world has come to, but I shall say it anyway: this is meaningful in that BTS decides to fight back and combat the negativity that would threaten to swallow them (and those who listen and internalize the lyrics of the song for themselves and thusly feel the message they are trying to give to us) to instead grapple and wrestle with it by loudly bringing attention to it rather than allowing it to silently consume and germinate within them. This, for me, was very empowering to hear and is one of the many reasons why I appreciate this song in particular amongst the lyrics that target and attack the “diseases” that would try to take from us our wellbeing. The track is a battle cry to keep fighting and that, in it of itself, is a very powerful thing that strikes very deep within me. The bridge at the end with Kook and Jimin, by the way… literal EARGASM, MA’AM. Anyway, this is a song that you’d listen to in the morning to get yourself hype for the day. It is something you’d put on in the desire to boost your spirits if they are low and honestly could be listened to in any situation.

Lastly, we have Stay. This subunit of NamKookJin was certainly a pleasant surprise to me! Kook’s involvement in this track doesn’t go unnoticed in the emotion that is present in his voice (amongst Joon and Jin, of course), but there’s also something about this song that goes straight for the heartstrings in the pledge of continued loyalty that is subliminal in its subtlety. I adored this song and this track’s EDM style was a wonderful finale of the album in its summation that there are low points in life (as the first few tracks suggest) and that there are high points and life. I think that through this song, the three boys who sang in it were wonderful in their energy that was so vibrant. It was wonderful to hear the three of them meld together in a unit that also was unlike what we have heard before. I know the song must have meant a lot to the three of them because Joon is Kook’s role model as he has stated many times and to sing with one’s idol would certainly be a powerful thing, indeed. The fact that Jin was in it too much have had so much meaning for Kook since Jin is like a brother to him and took care of him (and honestly, he still does, let’s be real) when he was younger. 

The song’s lyrics themselves reach out to the ARMY that Jungkook said the song was meant for in his, Joon’s and Jin’s efforts to remind us that, as their fans, they hope that we will always remain with them and that they know the times are going to change for the better. I enjoyed this song very much and it would definitely be a song you’d listen to be reminded of the love that BTS has for you and that despite everything, you will always have a place with them even if you feel lost in the world around you. I think a situation you’d put this on would be when you are need just that extra bit of confidence to get you through an anxiety inducing time whether it be a test for school or even a meeting for work.

With all of this in mind, my favorite songs are as follows: Dis-ease, Telepathy, Stay and Life Goes On. It is hard to pick a favorite among those four, but those were my most liked tracks for sure!

Overall, I think the album definitely is one meant to soothe the soul and the boys have succeeded in that without fail. It is clear that the boys worked hard on this and their efforts were not vain! This is an album that I think we all needed to close out a tough year and it took me some to get all my thoughts together, but now that I have listened to the whole album once again, I’m liking it more with each time I hear it. It is always amazing to me how BTS continues to do what no one else does: letting their genuine feelings shine through their music that inspires light in so many. I am proud of each and every one of them and they deserve some hard earned rest after their efforts!

[callmekittyc]

Chiang Mai Life

Have you ever seen the commercial or ad or whatever that says "Tiny keyboard, Big headache"? Well let me just say that's how i feel about typing these blog posts from my phone. We all know I'm more of a novelist... so that is why I have been slacking. Also I'm on vacation, and this somehow feels a bit like work. So this is for all 14 of my loyal followers, you're welcome. Let me give you an update on things:

1. Holy temples! Chiang Rai is the bees knees!! If you want to see some of the most bizarre, yet detailed oriented, and slightly questionable artwork I highly recommend the White Temple and the Baandam Museum (aka the Black House). Let me break them down for you and ed-u-ma-cate you.

         A. The White Temple: My thoughts, "Do I really want to go to another temple? There's going to be so many tourists... ugh. Guess I'll go." Please excuse my American Millennial slang when I say OMFG! THAT SHIT WAS DOPE AF! Seriously. The amount of time and detail that's put into this is crazy. So this temple got started in 1997 by some master artist that has an odd obsession with all things pop culture and politically questionable. It is a 90 year work in progress! As in, most people reading this will be dead when it's completed. (Sorry for the bluntness) But yea you can see for yourself what I mean by artistically gifted. I only wish they would have allowed me to take pictures of the murals that line the insides of this "sacred place".  Inside you'll not only find a wax figure of Buddha, but hidden gems like Pikachu, Hello Kitty, and even, the attractive Keanu Reeves. If you go to any temple at all, it should be this one because the artwork speaks for itself. I'm slightly disappointed I only paid 2 cents to get in.

         B. The Baandam Museum is truly one of the most extensive collection of animal bones I've ever seen. "Baan" means house, while "dam" translates to black so it literally translates to Black House. This was by far my favorite "museum" I've ever been to. It probably would seem creepy to most, but the artist lines the walls of 43 structures with animal bones, skulls, skins, and the most detailed woodworking I've ever seen. Bones are assembled in an almost ritualistic way. It's beautiful.

2. While the title of this post is "Chiang Mai Life", Chiang Rai is where I had my self- actualization moment. I had some seriously deep thoughts in the mountains of Chiang Rai that really has changed my perspective on quite a few things. I also experienced the most beautiful thing in my life. I'm not kidding. I was speechless for the first time. I think everyone has at least one of those moments in their life where the world quite literally stops for you. All is quiet. And you can't think of anything more beautiful. Maybe it's holding a child you just gave birth to, maybe it's experiencing love for the first time, maybe it's jumping out of a plane.... everyone has a moment and I had one. Watching the sunset at one of the highest peaks while the full moon reflected in the background was breathless. It was my moment. My world stopped.

3. I met this stranger in a coffee shop. An older gentleman i had never seen and will most likely never see again. We had some of the most meaningful conversation and it made me realize several things. Travelers are a whole different people. I'm one of those people. We don't just travel, but we experience. We do things to learn more about the world. We make ourselves uncomfortable and do things others wouldn't normally do. We are wise and infinitely young. We live by doing, not by example. Although travelers are all so different and we each have our own story, we have a commonality in that we are always searching for new knowledge and new experiences. We revel in learning and doing. We love being.

Sorry for the deep thoughts here, but the post is called "Chiang Mai Life"...

4. Going back to Chiang Mai, I decided it's time to start doing. Even if it meant the touristy things, but YOLO and who knows if I'll ever come back to this magical place... so I booked a cooking class, a trekking tour, and a ziplining excursion. I'll break them down for you..

         A. Cooking Class: This was awesome. It was Christmas day for me and I was kind of feeling sad and lonely. Well turns out, I ended up being the only person in that cooking class. I liked it though. The owner was very cool and took me to the local market and explained ingredients to me and showed me how to shop for the best items. We all know I come from a cooking household, but let me just say Thai cooking and ingredients are a brand new experience. Asia has so many fruits, vegetables, and spices I've never even heard of. After the market, I talked to a local about cooking methods, and after using a mortar and pestle for about 30 minutes, I have a new appreciation for pre-made chili paste. I almost boiled my arms because they were noodles at that point. I made 6 items: Cashew Chicken Stir-fry (Gai Pad Med Mamuang), Northern style chicken curry (Khao Soi), Coconut Milk and Chicken Soup (Tom Kah Gai), Spring Rolls, Mango Sticky Rice, and Red Chili paste.

        B. Trekking Tour: Made for beginners or out-of shape people like me, this little tour was perfect. We started at this phenomenal waterfall in the famous Doi Inthanon National Park. Then we trekked about 3km through the jungle to a hill tribe village, belonging to the Karen people. We passed fields of strawberries, rice, chrysanthemums, and coffee plants. We crossed bridges made of bamboo and even caught a glimpse of an electric green python native to Southeast Asia. After we got to the village, we were able to watch how the coffee was roasted, hand ground and brewed. From there, we went to two pagodas honoring the queen and late King. Our tour concluded with a visit to a hill tribe market overflowing with fresh produce and local honey.

        C. Zipling: Please see my Google rating for "Jungle Flight Chiang Mai" for a more detailed description. Ha. Kidding. Although the review is way more kickass than this. Ziplining was awesome yet slightly terrifying. I'm pretty sure I've once before mentioned the safety protocols in Thailand... they're non existant. I'm pretty sure OSHA would have something to say. (Harley maybe you shouldn't visit) But damn I'm glad it was questionable because flying through the mountains was exhilarating. Getting slung around on a zipline roller coaster left me squealing with delight! To the losers that said, "I like more extreme sports." You're missing out!

Sorry if this post was too short but honestly, the experiences have just been so much fun! I don't have any complaints or overly funny stories because I'm living in the moment... Although my instructor for the ziplining course said I need to use my ass more. He's quite right though. Looking at my inflated pancake ass has me longing for a stairmaster and a salad. Damn Northern Thailand and their delicious food... Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and will have a Happy New Year! I promise I've thought about every single one of you.

[rcknfw]

https://weheartit.com/articles/321272613-to-my-dearest-friend-who-i-hurt-terribly-and-miss-so-badly?

Hi there. We've spent so much time together, yet I don't know how should I start this letter to you. I am still heartbroken now, but that doesn't matter I don't think back to the days and night we spent together, laughing and enjoying each other's company, just being ourselves and having a great time in general. Every now and then it just crosses my mind and all I get to feel is disgust for the things that I've done to you.

I'm sure you are something great and wonderful on this earth, you've been so good to me, forgave me every time I made a mistake, you've been there for me every single time, no matter how bad I hurt you or how wrong I was about the decisions I made. You have been there when things went wrong, you went through hell for me, I made you do that. Yet no matter how much pain I brought to your life you have always been there for me, you've always stayed. You have treated me like I was made of gold, like there was nothing greater than me in this world even when I let you down, even when I acted completely silly and childish ; and that says a lot about you. You accepted my flaws and you always came back, no matter how we argued and that's something very rare nowadays. Your friendship has painted glorious colors in my life and it has lifted me higher, made me see the world in a different way, it has changed me, helped me grow, it was definitely a blessing.

You may think that letting you go was something easy for me to do, or that I didn't even think about it when it happened, and I don't want to lie. That is somehow true, because when you left, I was, already, so heartbroken that I completely refused to think about it and decided to ignore it. You know I've lost two amazing persons I had in my life and it was awful, devastating for me so I was just in denial. I remember we tried to say goodbye to each other more than one time but when it actually happened, it really hurt. It was awful to see you leaving me at that time in my life, as I was still struggling to live, to cope with the great loss of a very loved and meaningful person I had in my life back then. Yet I cannot blame you for leaving me because I know at that time it was bringing you more pain than happiness seeing me in that state .

I don't think you're told how wonderful you are enough. You have so many things that distinguish you from the others, it is so cruel that you don't see that. I think most people use to take you for granted, you are much more than you actually think you are. There's no one like you. Not a single soul out of the eight billions on this earth are as tightly bound to mine as yours used to be. It's crazy how we used to share things and create wonderful memories together. You've been a great person to me, so kind, caring and patient with me, you always returned to me even when I pushed you away, and you never truly left, you always stayed there and dealt with my bullshit. I genuinely think people around you don't appreciate you enough for who you are and what you are doing for them . I know the last time we spoke your life wasn't as exciting and great as I'd want it to be, I remember a lot of shit was happening to you, yet I couldn't do anything to fix that, no matter how much I wish I could've. I truly hope that everything's fine in your life at the moment. I know you are going to meet someone else, eventually and you are going to be doing great with them. You will shine brighter than you ever did with me, while I was still in your life and I am sure of that . You've been a gift from God for me, but so much has happened and I couldn't deal with everything. I regret losing you so much but somehow I've come to realize that you had to leave because you definitely deserve so much more than I have to offer. I do believe you will meet someone else and find happiness once more.

Indeed, I never planned to let you go but unfortunately it seems that I am not the one for you.

What I would like you to understand now is that I didn’t mean to hurt you in any concrete form of the word. I am deeply sorry for the way things turned out to be, I am sorry it was impossible for us to stay friends, I am sorry I couldn't keep such a precious person in my life, I am sorry for the way I have treated you, I am sorry for falling so badly for someone that wasn't you. Never in a million years, in any condition you deserved what I have done to you and now, when I think about it, it just brings disgust and antipathy to my life. I can't bear the thought of what I did to you and how I treated such a gentle soul. Sometimes, I do hate myself and I think that I deserved losing the one I fell for so deeply. Sometimes I believe it was karma I think the worst part about words though, is that you can’t shove them back onto your mouth and down into your throat. The way it ended between us was unpredictable yet so inevitable. You are a good person and I’m sorry that there was ever a time when I did not let you live up to that standard.

I've been such a cruel woman to you, yet I acted like a kid, no one deserves to feel what I've made you feel like. You have been so kind and gentle with me, but I acted literally like the most heartless human there is, you never deserved what I did to you, and I deeply regret the moment I came back into your life and made you leave everyone for me.

There are so many reasons why I should stay out of your life now, and that's why no matter how much I will miss you, or how strong my feelings for you will be, I will never return to you considering how much pain and sorrow I bring to your life. I wish I had the right words to tell you how horrible I still feel about everything that has happened between us, but the feelings are so overwhelming that it makes me feel like I will never find the right words to describe it.

I made mistakes that were beyond stupid, I should've told you I was falling for someone else..I know that you think back to the things I've done and it makes you hate me now, I am aware of the damage that has been done but I want you to take into consideration the fact that I was damaged as well.I just want to say I'm sincerely sorry for putting you through so much shit.I thought about what I've done and it's made me miserable for the past couple of months, I just want you to know that I still do care about you and I'm not as careless as I seem. I’ve been terribly wrong to be so inconsiderate and act the way I have. It's been so hard to but all my feelings into words but I hope this will be the last time I will write or reach to you.

Finally, I am wishing you the best and I pray and believe you'll get it because you're such a fascinating person who loves so deeply and with so much passion. You have been an amazing person and I will never be able to put into words how grateful I am that once I've met you and there was a time when I had your love and friendship. Yet I took you for granted and you didn't deserve it, at all. All I've got to say in the end is that it was worth it and that over time, you will heal. Your constant tears and sadness will eventually evolve back into smiles and laughter, and please believe me when I say this, because it is not poetry. I am sure you already realized that your life does indeed move on with or without me in it. You love and you lose, but it's always for the better. It takes a lot of time to find the value in pain, but once you do, you will realize that the impact that a love has on your life will last forever.

You may have come into my life for what only felt like seconds, but you left a mark that will undoubtedly last a lifetime. I was not made for you, and how I wish you could forgive me that I couldn't lie to you, I couldn't act like everything was right when it wasn't. There was a wall between compassionate and passionate love, there was a difference between what I felt for you and what I felt for him . He hasn't stayed that much time in my life, he hasn't been there when things went wrong in my life but still I did love him with passion and that passion is never going to die. On the other hand. you did all the things he didn't. I had more time to spend with you than with him and you proved me that you're a great friend and lover and whoever gets to have you will be a very lucky person. Please understand that I will always respect you and you will always have a bit of my heart, but I couldn't have lied to you and told you I've loved you as I've loved him. These are two different types of love, yet it doesn't mean I'll ever stop caring about you.

So for that, I thank you. I wish you had stayed. but I do understand that it was meant to be this way. I thank you for teaching me so many valuable lessons, for helping me see the world in a different and better way; for appreciating the littlest things in life and for never taking things for granted again. I wish you all the best. So please, hear me out, for the last time in a lifetime: always embrace your feelings and love with all your heart, body, all your existence. Love with all your soul and mind, no matter how much it'll hurt in the end. I don't think I will ever understand the way you loved me but I am sure that it was strong and deep and beautiful. Please never try to get rid of the feelings and emotions you have in your heart, acknowledge them. Loving so deeply is what makes the one so special, pure and worthy of appreciation and respect; I strongly believe this is what makes us beautiful and passionate. I can assure you, if it'll end, you'll say to yourself "for this type of love, friendship and experiences, life is worth living" . Life is made for these beautiful, great, lovely yet very painful experiences. Love with all your soul and mind ! Your beauty will grow with the passing years as you let yourself see the charm and elegance in things, people, fall for them, and love so deeply. Always forgive and be full of passion. Please never forget the things we've done, the days and nights we spent together, the experiences we both shared and the memories we created.

And so though you may not always be in my life, it is a fact of life that most people won’t be. But to the ones who come and go, it is the ones who leave a part of them with you that matter. The ones who come and go, but also choose to allow a piece of their heart to stay forever.

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone. Passion will meet love and and it will bring you to your most vulnerable state, yet it will make you feel the strongest you've ever been. You don't have to search for it, passion will find you, open your heart."