#i've had a couple panic attacks before which are actual evil

[rainparadefromhell]

had a really bad anxiety attack earlier today then it went away and i was fine and now i've gone back to feeling anxious and i'm trying to calm myself down.

anxiety is the worst feeling in the world and for me when i feel like there was no trigger or if the trigger was subconscious, it's exceptionally cruel. you just end up wanting so desperately to blame it on something and not feel crazy bc your brain is acting up and can't process stress.

my heart goes out to everyone struggling with this shit, no one knows how painful it is especially if it's severe. i'm really passionate abt this bc i've struggled/still struggle so much and i want this to be a place where ppl with similar experiences can feel understood and seen. a lot of ppl are not understanding bc they can't imagine how we feel. you do not need to just "get over it". it's not how it works.

pls remember you are also not your anxiety, even if it takes up so much of your life.

you're not broken. you're not less than. you're not a burden.

take care of yourselves ♥

[edapparently]

I Need Help With This Story

Ok, so: Quickly, for those who need context, I've been coming up with story ideas based on the premise of my persona character and my OC Cabins (robot filing cabinet (don't question it)) exploring the galaxy and doing surveys of various planets And I came up with this new idea and I've revisted it a couple times and I can't get off the fence about how I feel about it No one really reads the stories I make anywhere I post them, which is fine, but I'm desperate for feedback on this one cause I'm not an experienced writer and I don't want this to be shit So here it is, the basic premise of the idea I had, please help me I am begging

Surrendered Destiny:

Cabins and Ed are assigned to survey Palvon II, a planet with a hostile and volcanic surface. So they must stay at a research station that stands over the planet like an oil rig. Whilst there, Ed encounters someone from his past that he is reluctant to talk about.

They begin the survey and discover a humanoid skull buried in the volcanic ash, they bring it back to study and it psychically links with Ed by blinding him with a flash of light from its eye sockets. Essentially stealing his sight. This triggers an army of alien skeletal warriors to emerge from the ground and begin attacking the station.

The researchers speculate that they are part of the planet's ancient mythology, of an undead King that feeds on people's anxieties and fears to fuel his army of evil and ultimately requires a sacrifice to continue his life by dawning the skull of a chosen one as his head.

The researchers believe Ed is the next chosen one, which he accepts. But Cabins won't stand for it and points out that it has no reason to target him. But he's corrected when Ed admits that the person from his past was involved in an incident years ago that left him with trauma and that the King could have used that. Ed wants to leave and save the others from going down with him, but Cabins demands they find a new idea.

It's too late, however, as the skeletal warriors break through their defences and take Ed down to the planet's surface during the chaos. Barely able to survive in the toxic atmosphere, Ed's last thoughts before passing out are of twisted calmness. He doesn't feel the panic or the fear anymore because he is about to die. "It's all going to be ok" he thinks "it's all going to be over soon..." before passing out.

The skeletal warriors suddenly freeze in their tracks, the dread and anxiety that was fuelling them now gone, they collapse into stray pieces of bone. Back into the ash.

When Ed wakes up, he's been dragged back into the station to safety and has regained his vision. Cabins says that he must have gotten over his fear to defeat the warriors and congratulates him. But Ed has to admit that all he did was accept death and was even comforted by the thought of it arriving. Cabins is obviously distressed by this and attempts to comfort him. But Ed still can't shake the feeling that he was supposed to die as the duo leave and wonders to himself if he'd ever truly considered how valuable his life actually is... Any feedback/critism, positive or negative, is welcome God knows I need it Any notes anyone can give are appreciated Thanks for reading my crap <3

[cloudsoffire]

if you'll allow me to overshare, i think i was failed by the education system. not in a "they should've taught me how to pay taxes" way (i still don't have a job), or a "i have no social skills" way. but just in what they were trying to accomplish in the first place.

my first two years of high school was normal. i was gonna make a comma-separated list but i'll just do bullet points of the highlights.

i was completely socially isolated

i spent breaks waiting outside the door of my next class

i failed an algebra class where the teacher made a point that not a single one of his students up until then had failed. it was also his least year teaching.

i almost failed again when i retook it

i got the evil p.e. teacher to be nice to me by having a breakdown in his class

i got accommodations to do p.e. on my own because i couldn't handle the locker room or exercising around other people

i got accommodations to be able to do all group projects on my own following events i'm sure i've talked about before and doing so again would take too long

i became unhealthily reliant on twitter because more people i knew were active on there than on tumblr

i had my homework and lessons delivered to me at home for at least a week or two because i had to be under 24-hour surveillance

after going several days at a time without being able to go to school on multiple occasions, i was allowed to switch to an every other day schedule which was somehow still a struggle

pretty basic stuff i'm sure most people on this site can relate to. so what changed? well, due to mental health reasons and poor grades and such, they transferred me to another school.

another school which had crisis lines on the back of our id cards.

i spent sophomore year attending virtually, even after pandemic restrictions were lifted, purely because of my anxiety. i actually tried to attend in person and had a panic attack which resulted in me getting up and leaving class without a word before practically running to my dad's place of work a few blocks away, where my mom had to pick me up and take me back to sign me out.

but for senior year, i finally went in person. and honestly i enjoyed the program. wo got to do creative writing (i filled an entire notebook with a story and then took it again even though i didn't need to), we got to do video production (group projects but the first one went well and for the second one i essentially had complete creative freedom), and there was even an art class (one assignment was to follow a step-by-step guide on how to draw a dragon eye. i got permission to throw it out and draw my own from scratch that i never finished coloring).

our p.e. consisted of badminton, croquet(???), a day of actual proper exercise (which i got permission to keep out of because, once again, exercising with other people is actual hell), and on thursdays we'd go on walks and the teachers would get the class starbucks(??????wtf????who made this program??? i don't like coffee but was pressured by the teachers to get something and i cave easily so i just got lemonade after the first couple times. it was right across the parking lot from where my dad worked too so i got to say hi to him most thursdays which was nice).

we didn't have school on fridays either. it could also be because this was the year i took a break from social media but for once i was actually looking forward to going to school every day. i think the height of the program when i was there was like twenty students, and only like 8-10 showed up consistently. plus it started late so that was insane.

now you're probably thinking "wow, that sounds awesome!" it was, ignore that apparently the place went to sh*t the year after i graduated. but that's the problem, and that's why i started this off by saying the school system failed me.

this program was essentially trying to make school not hell on earth for neurodivergent students. in doing so, it prioritized mental health and completely failed at being a school. let's do another bullet point list.

what i did my senior year of high school:

i made an infomercial about a crowbar marketed as the "open sesame"

i wrote an entire first draft of a novel

we read the worst classic of all time (the great gatsby)

i wrote an essay about how the great gatsby sucked

i got kicked out of class for asking recruiters how many civilians they'd killed before i could tell them how messed up it was that they'd try their shtick at a school like this.

i gave a presentation based on an assignment on how you would start a business with $25, only to switch gears halfway through about how $25 isn't enough to start a lemonade stand.

i took a year long break from social media (i think i still posted music on youtube?)

i became obsessed with aquariums

things i did not do:

learn anything

and i don't mean that as a basic "i didn't learn anything this class" when in reality you just immediately repressed it because school is inherently tortuous. i mean the work they gave us was freshman level at best. easiest grades of my life. and they were mostly participation based. and that's bad!! sure, i didn't hate it, but on some level it felt almost insulting. socialization was encouraged but the academics were the worst.

and like there's no excuse. i've studied godzilla monsters religiously. i know every pokémon. i've put in the time to 100% sonic forces.

and it's not just fictional stuff. i've watched video essays on nuclear science, astronomy, physics, etc. just for fun!

i know that mental health isn't antithetical to leaning, so why is this school allowed to give out diplomas when they don't even try? honestly i don't think the teachers (plural as in two of them) even knew about the subjects they were teaching. the creative writing class didn't even give prompts until i asked for one.

it's just so... infuriating, i guess.

if i continued with normal high school, i'm not sure i would have made it out the other side. but if i did, i know i would have at least kept learning instead of stagnating in favor of "sensory walks." i know that there might have been some sense of accomplishment instead of "well this is a fancy piece of paper." and maybe i would've even felt like a normal person.

also if i decide i want to go to college i can literally only go for community college. because i was in the "too incompetent for normal school" program. not that i want that anyway. i can't afford that with $0.00 annual income.

[madphantom]

The Sound of Life - Chapter 13

During that time they also spent a few days on the set of Phantom. Jessica Harper, who played Phoenix, showed them around. William Finley was busy with his headaches. Winslow met him in the cafeteria where the actor was sitting with an ice pack on his head. He was wearing the leather outfit, but no make-up and his hair was messy.

"Hi," Winslow greeted him.

"Hi," William replied with a weak smile. "Jeez, how did you survive that helmet?! It's killing me!"

Winslow laughed. "I didn't really pay attention to that."

William chuckled. "I can imagine that." He put the ice pack down and sighed. "So, how you been doing?"

"Quite well. I met Michael Jackson a while ago."

William raised his eyebrows. "Really? Awesome."

"And you?"

"Yeah, well, most of the time I've been shooting the stuff here." William laughed. "I hope I'll get it right. I tend to act rather dramatically."

"Well, I am drama in person, so don't worry about that." Winslow grinned. "What are you guys shooting today?"

"The Beef scene. Kinda controversial stuff."

Winslow raised an eyebrow.

"Of course we're all rooting for you, man," William quickly assured him.

Winslow smiled. "I haven't met your Beef yet. What's his name?"

"Oh, it's Gerrit. Gerrit Graham. Funny guy." William laughed. "The cast gave him the plunger as a Christmas present. We painted it gold."

Winslow laughed as well. "A golden plunger?! How many times did you shove that thing in his face during the shower scene?"

A smile spread on William's face. "Six times."

"Six times?!" Winslow laughed. "Oh dear."

"It was a lot of fun."

"Oh, I believe that." Winslow chuckled.

The door opened and Phoenix and Jessica came in. Phoenix was holding Melody.

"A baby!", William squealed as soon as he spotted them.

"You mean me or Leach Junior?", Jessica asked.

"The cuter one."

"That would be me," Phoenix said and sat down next to Winslow. She smiled. "Hi William. Cool costume."

"Thanks."

"You look like my Pa," Melody said.

William laughed. "I hope so!"

The door opened and another actor walked in.

"Hi Gerrit!", Jessica greeted him and Winslow turned around.

Gerrit did not quite look like Beef, but Winslow was secretly happy about that. He wasn't sure whether someone who actually looked the same wouldn't have triggered something in him.

"Stay away from me, I'm having a cold!", Gerrit announced. "Hi Mr Leach, Mrs Leach. I'm Gerrit Graham."

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Brian asked me to tell you guys to buy some junk food."

Jessica jumped up and did a little chicken dance. "Junk food night!"

"Hyping us up before the Life at Last scene," Gerrit explained.

"Sounds like Brian," William laughed.

"Put on your shoes, Will, we're going shopping!", Jessica yelled.

What followed was a bizarre scene that could have been straight from a comedy movie. The cast, still in their costumes, and the Leaches marched out of the Majestic. People turned around in surprise. Somebody yelled "Hey, look, it's Winslow Leach!" He signed a couple autographs and the squad entered the supermarket. They marched straight into the candy aisle.

Five minutes later they left with five bags full of crisps, popcorn, chocolate and cookies.

They watched the final product a couple weeks later in a small room with a projector at Paul Hirsch's. Melody was at Lucy's. Phoenix and Winslow didn't think the movie would be suitable for a seven year old. Brian brought popcorn. Gerrit brought Pepsi. They all sat down comfortably and Paul Hirsch clicked play.

The movie started with a narration about Swan read by Rod Serling. Winslow raised an eyebrow. "Wow. You actually got the guy to do this?"

"He loved it," Brian replied.

The black background with the white bird then faded into the Juicy Fruits performing Goodbye Eddie Goodbye. It was obvious they were enjoying themselves a lot. Winslow had a good laugh at William's face in the poster scene.

"The Juicy Winslow Leach at the piano," Phoenix commented and the crew laughed.

The movie proceeded with Philbin and Swan discussing some evil plan in their box.

"I actually have no idea what they were talking about," Winslow noted. "Might as well have been the weather."

"Probably not," Jeffrey commented.

Everyone agreed that the shot with the camera circling around William playing the piano was great. They had a good laugh about his dramatic headbanging.

"I was lucky my glasses didn't fly off," the actor chuckled.

The next scene was Philbin stealing Winslow's music. George Memmoli played his part really well. And Winslow laughed like crazy at the way William pushed "Philbin" against the wall and the sound of shattering glass in the background.

What followed was Winslow being thrown out of Death Records. Brian complained about the Swan Song fiasco with Led Zeppelin. Then came the scene in which Winslow met Phoenix. Both leaned forward.

"This is gonna be interesting," Phoenix commented. This was followed by a "Jessie, your singing is amazing, by the way."

"Thanks," Jessica smiled.

"Your chemistry is on top," Winslow noted during the scene. "Ten of ten."

Phoenix laughed at Jessica's confused face after William flashed her with "I would never let my personal desires influence my aesthetic judgement". "Yes, I probably looked like that!"

"You did," Winslow confirmed.

Later they had another good laugh at William in a flower dress trying to sneak in. "I wish I'd witnessed that happening!", Harold yelled. Then Paul appeared.

Winslow was honestly impressed. The friendly little man had perfectly embodied Swan. This guy who was frequently referred to as the Human Muppet had captured the evil spirit like he'd been destined to play Swan. Winslow shivered. He wasn't the only one.

"Was that really acting?", Archie asked.

"Hopefully," Jeffrey mumbled.

"I don't want to know what ancient evils we unleashed," Harold said.

Paul just laughed. "Who knows."

The next scene was the cops finding a beaten up Winslow. This was followed by William dramatically yelling into the camera that he was innocent.

"That was brilliant," Winslow commented. "Perfectly on point!"

"You have no idea how many shots this face took me," William replied.

Next up came some evil little man announcing that Winslow's teeth would be pulled. The real Winslow bared his teeth and pulled a werewolf number which caused some giggles.

The scene then faded into Winslow's escape from Sing Sing prison. William quickly told an anecdote about all the times the scene with the box had gone wrong while Winslow's on-screen counterpart raged through Death Records.

Winslow knew what was coming up now and so did Phoenix. He suddenly felt her hand in his and turned his head a little to see her giving him a little reassuring smile. He was well aware that she was afraid that the following scene would trigger something in him.

It didn't. William saved the day. As soon as he realized what a bomb was about to hit he burst out dramatically explaining how the scene had almost gone wrong and how he almost became Winslow's "Exact Doppelganger". Winslow objectively admired William's remarkable acting skills and secretly wondered why the actor wasn't famous yet.

The next scene caused Brian to explain why the split screen he'd used was a stroke of genius. The crew listened in amusement until the bomb exploded.

Next up came a bit with Swan in his office and then Winslow confronting him. The height difference between William and Paul was utterly hilarious. The scene was followed by Jessica singing Special to me for the audition. Everyone marveled at how similar her voice was to Phoenix'.

Then came the scene in which Swan adjusted Winslow's voice box and made Winslow sign the contract. Next up Paul singing Phantom's Theme with montages of William and Jessica with a black background. It looked wonderfully dramatic.

The next trigger came up now. It was Beef.

Thanks to the fact that Gerrit didn't look quite exactly like Beef Winslow relaxed again. However, he had to admit that accent and attitude were on point. Gerrit blushed when he told him.

There was the epic scream scene which caused Winslow's to have a laughing flash at the drama of William's acting. During the shower scene Gerrit mentioned that he did not recommend snorting powdered lactose. His acting in that scene and the next one were hilarious. Then Harold performed Somebody Super Like You followed by Life at Last and during Life at Last Winslow excused himself for a few minutes and left to prevent himself from getting a panic attack. He came back in to George Memmoli yelling "Somebody get a fire extinguisher!" and thoroughly enjoyed the Old Souls and dressing room scene, as well as the first rooftop scene. During the second rooftop scene Phoenix wrapped herself around Winslow, who made it a point to marvel at William's acting and compliment him on it until the actor was blushing.

What followed was Paul confronting William. Again everyone was crazed at how this human muppet played Swan. Then came the tape room and the wedding, and after a very dramatic death scene for Swan they got the ending which was slightly differing from reality: Winslow's death.

Phoenix laughed at how Jessica managed to look so desperate. "I just thought of school," Jessica commented. Winslow was delighted by the dramatic ending scene with the flaming bird sealing William's doom. "Awesome. Perfect. Like, really perfect. Great job."

"Release?", Brian asked.

"Hell yeah, release!"