#i've had complete blackouts many times but i kind of forget?

[pluralia-tantum]

Having DID is actually so completely wild sometimes because I'll literally go weeks without switching and completely forget I have trauma and forget that I'm dissociating and then I'll get stressed or a certain song will come on and suddenly I'm wearing different clothes and it's two hours later and I'm like "oh right"

[thealleydog]

TL,DR at the bottom. I'm gonna talk alot.

🎆✨️ And with that, the 2022 season has come to an end. What do I say about that? ✨️🎆

Life's wild, ain't it? This time last year, I had covid. Had to quarantine for two weeks in my apartment and settle for watching the distant fireworks throughout the neighborhood from my living room window.

It was the beginning of many things. I took the two weeks to try to be more than a human whose whole personality was working all the time. I started to learn how to cook. I began to practice yoga. I watched a LOT of YouTube video essays.

Shortly before I got covid, I was trying to watch all the relevant Marvel movies and shows to see No Way Home in theaters. Depression really liked to eat my memories and keep me from watching any of the Tom Holland Spider-Man movies. Which broke my heart because Spider-Man was my first and favorite Marvel character for the majority of my life. I'd never seen Doctor Strange (2016) before, and after six years, all I got out of it was my dilf fetish and comfort character, Doctor Stephen Strange. Armed with a new fictional boyfriend and time on my hands, I got back into ❤️‍🔥𝖋𝖆𝖓𝖋𝖎𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓❤️‍🔥.

Reacquainted myself with ao3 and eventually followed my favorite writers back here.

Tumblr. The Doctor Strange fanfiction community. The Benedict Cumberbatch fans. You guys truly make this place feel like a site I WANT to be on. How happy you are to interact with your readers. How you actively crave and encourage it. How you'll talk about your real-life problems and stresses. How you remind me every day this site is horny jail, and we love that for us. People like @wint3r-h3art and @dino-fart have become people I enjoy seeing a message from.

Its been said before, but fuck it. Reading your writings has been a spot of brightness in my life. A breath of fresh air after working inside a stuffy room all day. A candle you protect with your hand against the wind on your way to light a birthday cake. You people took a strictly completed works only, explicit rated smut reader and have me equally as happy reading about queer platonic dynamics with this old white man. Can't forget to shout out a little love for my Namor y Attuma homies, too. I want to sit on Attuma meaty thighs and be baby girl. 🎀

I'm very behind on a lot of stories from various people on here. But my goal is to catch up a little every night so I can enjoy all the hard work and love you guys pour into each one.

Most of my life, I felt limited. I didn't deserve love, kindness, boundaries, or space to express myself freely through my bedroom or clothes. Dad died of cancer when I was two, and I had an abusive stepfather until I was seventeen. I never traveled outside of Chicago or the Chicagoland area in general more than once every five or six years. I worked jobs since I was sixteen to struggle to pay to have some sort of life. I had some wack ass core beliefs about myself.

I'm currently in New York with a good friend of mine and fellow artist Claü. Her Instagram is @claudiarts because we support the people we love, goddammit. We celebrated the new year at a dive bar, eating grapes under the table so I can finally get some decent dick or pussy from a decent human this year. Maybe a real cool friend with benefits. Maybe a Splenda Pappy that I can work some unresolved issues out on his dick.

After that, I had a nice blackout that led to us losing half the next day and finally trying New York pizza.

New York is Chicago with organized chaos. Surprisingly, the people are not as mean as I was led to believe. It's like how everyone talks about all the gun violence in Chicago. Meanwhile, Peoria, IL, is sitting in the corner hoping nobody notices it. Everyone looks so fashionable. The food is mouth-watering. The architecture is spectacular. This place is ALIVE. It makes me want to travel even more. Become more cultured. Worldly.

Gotta make sure to go take a selfie in front of Doctor Strange's place.

I've been tattooing for a little over two years now. Managing it for a year and a half. It pays more than enough. I can afford insurance. I have an apartment by myself. My fridge is always full. I still sometimes can't believe I'm a real successful tattoo artist. I've debated posting my art and tattoos on here or linking my actual Instagram. I'm grateful every day I get to do my dream job.

I still daydream of affection and love. But, I have a small group of coworkers at the shop who I can truly call friends. I have male friends who actually like me as the perverted, all black wearing, tomboy who likes to draw dicks. They're some real ones. With the support system I'm building, I can eventually tackle dating dating. Just gotta keep working on myself and wait for the thumbs up from my therapist.

Unfortunately, a few minutes into the new year, my mom's apartment was part of the apartments in her building that got damaged by a fire. A fire started by a 90 something year old neighbor lady who never thought leaving a candle next to a Christmas tree was somehow a bad idea. So that leaves my mom, brother, and sister without a place to stay. Except now, they're sleeping over at my apartment, and I knew I should have put my dildo and Hitachi away before I left. Fuck my life, Bing bong. It be like that sometimes.

Anyways, I've been typing this for over an hour already. So Happy New Year, wishing everyone a better year than the last, and to never lose sight of who you are.

TL,DR: Happy New Year, Tumblr writers make the world a better place to be in, tattooing, Doctor Strange, I deserve things, and my mom's homeless.

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

It is so important to find a good therapist. It truly is.

Personal vent about my therapist moral of the story is if you think something's weird, it is 💀

This dude..

For one, bro like plain doesn't take notes which would be fine if he remembered like... ANYTHING I said. I said I took pills, he asked what kind, I said dph, dude said oh that has alcohol in it then diagnosed me with mild alcohol abuse COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO WHAT TF I JUST EXPLAINED just cause I said I drink on rare occasions. Like mf.. I drink so little you can't even count it against me. It's so few and far between. Single digits per year probably. And I'm around my family when I'm drinking so it's not like they'd let me get blackout drunk anyway. Why diagnose me off of that instead of the fucking addiction that ACTUALLY impacted my life?

But I'm like okay maybe that's a technicality thing that's not fair to him.

So then I keep on coming. Everyday i come in and he has me fill out this depression and anxiety screening form. I think its weird since it's just a screening form and he's already diagnosed me with anxiety and major depressive disorder.. so why are you screening me twice a week.... we've already established that i have it. But what makes it sting is how he sits there and compare the numbers everytime as if that's the end all be all of whether or not I'm still struggling. I swear this one time I marked a few 2s instead of 3s and after scoring a whopping 2 points lower than my previous one, he was all talking bout oh see I think therapy is good for you you're already seeing improvements. Like nigga. Do you understand how mental illness works..? It's a general screening form. That I'm filling out. TWOOOO. TIMES. A. WEEK. If I filled it out like it's printed I'd have the exact same answers every single time. What's the point of screening me that often?

But I'm like okay cool. Maybe that's protocol and I just know from here on I have to do it by the letter. Doesn't matter if it's completely useless atp.

So then he started having me do "meditation" in the beginning that lasts like 10 mins. It gets so aggravating after like 3 but I'm thinking maybe he's dragging it that long cause I'm really seeming restless. So I try to sit completely still and breathe like I'd expect him to want me to. But then he goes on and on and on to the point where Im opening my eyes and just scanning the room atp. Just bored. And dude still got his eyes closed breathing

🥲

He finally just pissed me off today when I said I ghosted all my friends a while ago and haven't spoken to anyone in a while. And dude later gon ask me if I have any non alcoholic friends Ive talked to this week. Like okay. Fuck off. It's not even a thing of you just forgetting after having patient after patient! YOURE JUST NOT LISTENING. I said i ghosted my friends 2 weeks ago WITHINNN this one hour long appointment. Did you really not care to remember that? Did that not ring any alarm bells? And I can't think of a single scenario where it'd be acceptable. If you don't know what ghosting is, ask. If you didn't hear me, ask. If you don't understand why I did it, ask. You don't get to brush past that as a professional. Why am I even here if we're just repeating the same questions over and over again with you only paying attention to the parts that you care to talk about?

AND IM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC

Fuck this dude. I have two more appointments scheduled that I'm not gonna bother to slither out of. I'll say it'll be my strike two and three appointments. If I still feel no different towards him, I won't schedule anymore. I feel like ive given too many chances atp. But at the same point, maybe it really was an off day every other time I've had other paperwork to fill out too which maybe effected the quality of the appointments. I think it's only fair to have a few test appointments lmao. Plus I have a psych evaluation coming up so I don't wanna stop going and have dude take back his referral 💀💀

Wait... damn. I only have the strike three appointment my fucking jobbbbb. Whatever ig. I want to just miss but I'm not gonna bother. I'm gonna bring it up tho. Maybe he'll learn from it and be better for other people

I think that was too fundamental of a problem to come back from. I only have one hour a week to somehow someway stop being angry at him? And to start trusting dude again at that. I still get bitter over my friends bs how tf do I find the positive to make me stick around when it's just some random dude.

Oh well that and the first appointment I had with him?

Dude said talk therapy doesn't usually work for people with long term issues like mine.

I shoulda just took the hint and dipped. Wanted to give dude the benefit of doubt so bad.. 😑

Okay nvm never going back did not realize I wasn't even following my own damn advice. Why was I still gonna give him more chances

[marshmallow-rain]

I had to spent two nights in a row in two consecutive blackouts in the middle of the hot season, and that completely messed up my sleeping schedule. I finally got a full rest last night and I'm feeling much more awake.

I'll be working in my TWST's AU, but first I'll be giving some love to Cookie Run: Kingdom, that's actually my main hyperfixation at the moment.

I started playing this game from late December and several things have happened. I got so absorbed on this that I started neglecting Twisted Wonderland and Obey Me! It's just that CRK's playstyle is more understable to me than TWST and my Cookies are much easier to level up than my OM!'s cards.

So here you got my Cookie Run: Kingdom experience so far in an incorrect quotes format.

Content Warning: Light spoilers for Castle in the Sky and Timeless Kingdom, Swearing, Overall bad decision-making.

...

Me: *sees blogs posting about this game about cookies in my dashboard* Huh.

...

Me: *sees blogs posting about having fun with this game about cookies in my dashboard* M'kay, I'm getting curious...

...

Me: So it's an RPG? I like those, but it seems kind of heavy for my phone and I'm kind of busy with Obey Me!, I don't know if I should...

...

Me: Wait, how come nobody told me AmaLee voices one of the characters?? Here I go, Parfait Cookie!

...

Pure Vanilla Cookie:

Me: Oh, this is that cookie I kept seeing around.

...

Me: Everybody sounds so cartoonish, I love it.

...

Me: Yeah, I have a lot of fun with Cookie Run: Kingdom!

Also me: *cries for 30 min because I can't landscape to save my life*

...

Me: Okay, I could start leveling my Cotton Cookie and my Cocoa Cookie and my (other Epic Cookies I got early), but what if I just stick to the starter team till I can't go on.

...

Me: There's this Cookie Alliance thing that just came out in this new update....

Me: Forget it, I haven't even unlocked the Arena.

...

Me, scrolling through the Costume gallery: @end-this-gay-disaster once said Licorice Cookie's Pale Reaper Costume is just Devsisters covering him in cocaine and now I can't unsee it. It's their fault every time I see it I giggle like a middle schooler.

...

Me: Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions.

...

Me: Now that I can't be carried through the story by the starting team, I should put some serious thought in building a new one.

Eclair Cookie: *three (almost four) times promoted during his banner* *greatly recommended by meta*

Me: So anyway... *starts maxing Rye Cookie*

...

Me: I should watch out for these Cookies when I encounter them in the Arena: Legendaries, Ancients, Cottton Cookie, Herb Cookie and Moon Rabbit Cookie. As long as I avoid teams with those particular Cookies, me and my team should be a-okay.

Other players: *has at least one of them in their teams*

Me: *cries*

...

Me: I've being owned so many times for others' Cotton Cookies, I should just max mine.

Cotton Cookies: *becomes my best cookie overnight and carries my team*

Me: Turns out the meta is right, apparently.

...

Me: Should I just start doing the actual layout of my kingdom? So far I've only being throwing buildings around, it's kinda embarrasing...

Me: *trying to make a road* *messes up*

Me: Okay, let's- let's not talk about this ever again.

...

Me: *grabbing the Costume Gacha and shaking it* Why do you keep giving me Costumes for Cookies I don't have?!

...

Me: *adds Eclair Cookie to the Arena blacklist* Who would've thought? *still doesn't max him*

...

Me: *picking Raspberry Cookie* I swear it's nothing personal, Eclair Cookie. It's just that the heart wants what it wants and mine wants an all-lesbian team *looks at Cotton Cookie, Cocoa Cookie, Rye Cookie and Chili Pepper Cookie*

Me: *pointing at Cocoa Cookie* She gets a free pass because I got her Enchanting Night Costume and it's too pretty to be left in my ugly ass kingdom.

...

Cookie Run: Kingdom: *updates*

Me: Ooh! They added a new episode to the main story! The Dark Cacao Kingdom looks so neat! And there's a new Ancient! And there's more about Dark Choco Cookie!

Me: Too bad I'm still stuck in the Forgotten Academy.

...

~Me & Affogato Cookie: A Saga~

Affogato Cookie: *is released*

Me: Devsisters, how did you know I like them cunning, pretty, savvy in politics, Machiavellian, gender non-conforming, morally dubious, ambitious, with a silky voice, evil advicers of a king? It's not like I think he's neat, I just need a Bomber Cookie *immediately starts pulling for him*

Also me, after getting him: I don't trust this funky little Cookie *gesturing towards Affogato Cookie*, he just keeps appearing everywhere. Nevermind the game putting him on tasks to level him up, I think he's just trying to take over my kingdom.

Also, also me: Please, please, just take over my kingdom, Affogato Cookie. I cannot decorate.

Me, picking Affogato Cookie up: Haha, look at him. Little guy's so mad.

Me: Sure, I could max Affogato Cookie, but I also want him to just sit pretty and relax while I make everyone else do all the heavy lifting.

Me as well: I could accept Affogato Cookie's offer to eat sweets together, but we both know we would spend it by him trying to butter me up (unnecessary, he's already got me wrapped around his little finger at first sight) in order to carry out some scheme of his and me bullying him out of love.

Me: *crying* Why do I have to be stuck in chapter 7?! I wanna meet him in the main story already!

...

Me, meeting Black Raisin Cookie: Bro, it's that Cookie I've seeing shipped with Pure Vanilla Cookie, dunno why. She's very cool, should I build her?

Me: She would hate me, though, I really don't like raisins.

...

Me, meeting Healer Cookie: That's Pure Vanilla Cookie! I'm feel so smart, like when I solved A Case of Identity's mystery (from The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes).

Me: I can see why he and Black Raisin Cookie would be shipped.

...

Me: Fine *puts down Raspberry Cookie*, if my Cookies are dying anyway, I might as well just bring Tea Knight Cookie in the team *refuses to look at Tea Knight Cookie's simp*

...

Me, trying to place a bridge over water: Why this bridge won't bridge?!

...

Me: *makes a crappy beach* *makes a crappy campsite* Well, it seems like my Cookies like them.

Me: *sees the rest of my kingdom: a bunch of buildings thrown around* I'm just gonna ignore that for now...

...

Me: Every time I look at my team, I feel it's like Tea Knight Cookie and his granddaughters in a bonding trip that's mostly them in a fighting competition. The winner is whoever has the highest killing count, and Cotton Cookie is winning.

...

Me: *breezes through Episode 7 and 8* Woah, I guess I underestimated my Cookies' growth, I wonder if I'll be able to complete the vanilla adventures.

My team: *dies in Castle in the Sky*

Me: Of course.

...

Me: *adds Cotton Cookie, Herb Cookie and Pure Vanilla Cookie to the Arena blacklist, again* It's so fucking annoying when other people heals, I swear.

...

Me: *shaking the Nether Gacha* Why won't you give me Dark Choco Cookie's dad?! I have to reunite the family!

...

April Fools' Day's Event:

Me: Gosh, I thought this was some gijinka thing when I saw Frost Queen Cookie's transformation on my dash, but it's even funnier than that.

Me: My country only celebrates el Día de los Santos Inocentes, so it's weird seeing this kind of event out of December.

...

Me: This new event is a good excuse to use Cookies I normally wouldn't.

...

Random Cookie: *runs*

Me: *crying* C-cute!

...

Me: I still have PTSD from fighting this Cookie in the Arena, but might as well *buys Moon Rabbit Cookie Fragments*

Moon Rabbit Cookie: *does anything*

Me: *crying* She's too cute!

...

Me: *blacklisting Caramel Arrow Cookie*

Me: *takes the Ancients off my Arena blacklist*

Me: *graylists Eclair Cookie, Moon Rabbit Cookie and Herb Cookie*

Me: Well, that's some weight left off my shoulders.

Me: But why those *gesturing at the Legendaries and Cotton Cookie* don't get any easier?

...

Me, entering my kingdom and seeing a DevNow notice: "Promo code"? Does this game have...? WAIT.

Me: *researches*

Me: *facepalms* Of fucking course.

...

Costume Gacha: *gives me a Costume for the Herb Cookie I don't have*

Me: You know what? Fuck you *starts grinding Herb Cookie's fragments*

...

Gacha: *shows I'm getting an Ancient Cookie*

Me: Dude, dude, this is new, don't you tell me...

Gacha: *gives me Pure Vanilla Cookie*

Me: Woohoo! My first Ancient ever! Nevermind needing a DPS, I gotta give you all my attention!

...

Me: Pfft, everybody looks so tiny besides him.

...

Me: I'm touch-averse, but I really, really want to hug Pure Vanilla Cookie. It's the only thing I can think of whenever I see him on my screen. He just looks so warm and soft and comfy, ugh! I feel like if I could hug I wouldn't need therapy ever again.

...

GingerBrave: *says something about their kingdom having no monarchy*

Me: Wait, I thought I was the queen here? It seems I'm just Architect Cookie, and extra who sucks at her job.

...

Me: Ooh, finally completed the Vanilla Kingdom Adventures, it wasn't that hard. Now on to the Hollyberry Kingdom!

My team: *immediately dies*

Me: Well, shit.

Me: Whatever, at least I finally unlocked the Cookie Alliance, now let's see what this is about...

My team: *immediately dies*

Me: Again? This is pretty acephobic, if you ask me.

...

Me: Pure Vanilla Cookie should have a Healer Cookie Costume, it's kind of weird he doesn't have one since the sprite/model already exists. Maybe to avoid spoilers? It's obvious, though.

Me: It'd make much easier comparing his height to other cookies if he didn't have his big ass cone (affectionate) on his head.

...

Me: You know what? I was hoping to get her on the gacha, but fuck it *buys 20 Parfait Cookie's fragments*

Me: *cries* She's so p-pretty!

Me: Each and every time I'm more convinced I just have a thing for Support Cookies *avoids looking at Eclair Cookie*

...

Gacha: *shows I'm getting an Ancient Cookie, again*

Me: Woah, it hasn't even been a week? I do need with my defense and attack *avoiding looking at Eclair Cookie* so if I get Hollyberry Cookie or Dark Cacao Cookie-

Gacha: *gives me Pure Vanilla Cookie, again*

Me: ... Promoting him is good, too.

...

Me: I got Herb Cookie and I was hoping to max him so I could have a Healing Cookie in the side, but now I already have Pure Vanilla Cookie, so...

...

Me: Okay, I'm seriously running out of ideas. Pure Vanilla Cookie is good, really, like a buffed version of Custard Cookie III, but my main DPS is somehow Cotton Cookie and there's no way I'm winning stages like this, I also need a Cookie to position in the middle. I have to step up my game!

Eclair Cookie: *4 times promoted* *meta* *middle*

Me: Fine, I'm gonna max you or whatever.

Me:

Me: First I'm maxing Caramel Arrow Cookie, though.

...

Me: Oh, this new update makes it so we can save our layouts.

Me, seeing my kingdom's layout: *cries*

...

Me: So Affogato Cookie now appears in Bonds, huh...

Me: *screeching* Should I just read it?! It's gonna take forever before I reach the Dark Cacao Kingdom! But it'll feel weird without the main story context, right?! But I want more content other than my headcanons! Aaargh!!

...

Me, after pulling 30 times at Cherry Blossom Cookie's banner and not getting her: Why won't you come home?! Everybody else would've at this point! *avoids looking at Frost Queen Cookie and Dark Cacao Cookie*

...

Me: What would happen to my Cookies if I cover all the floor in water?

...

Me: Now that I finally got all Epic Cookies *avoids looking at Cherry Blossom Cookie*, only the Ancient (minus Pure Vanilla Cookie) and Legendary Cookies are left!