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#id have probably played more if it weren't for the whole not allowed to go outisde thing
celestiachan · 5 months
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people on this website will make posts about things like having friends at school and running around and playing (physically. not on a wii or computer or phone) a lot as a child and every time i am forced to remember that the average tumblr user has more of a life than me
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plethoraworldatlas · 3 months
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Anthony Po's video is worse than you thought
youtube
This video actually looks at and breaks down Anthony Po's infamous video in deep detail and wow is it worse than JUST recording sexual activities without consent.
Starts with revealing that Anthony made a fake "furry identity" where his idea of what a furry is was a raging classist, sexist, ableist fatophobe who was very much a "annoying autistic" caricature from 2000s "humor".
He also decided it was a funny joke to make said fake furry influencer a registered sex offender and zoophile ("joking" about how he wasn't allowed near schools and making a whole TikTok where the "joke" was him stalking a man because he wanted to assault his dog)
Probably Used AI generated images for the "art" he had of his fake character
Bought an incredibly affordable for what it was pre-made fursuit and just spent the whole video talking trash on it and the maker and artist of it
Talked zero about any art or artists he "used". In fact, he didn't speak about the art side of furry Fandom AT ALL
The whole video is filled with 2000s Homophobia and not once does he mention the amount of LGBT+ furries or even says the word gay at all, despite the fact the entire goal of the video is violating the privacy of LGBT people and recording their sex acts for sensationalism.
He mentions once how a large part of the Fandom is neurodivergent, but in a way that sounds like "haha, the reason they're all cringe weirdos is because they're mental". Also dips into Homophobia and infantilizing neurodivergent LGBT people
He pretends to join a famous furry news site to get a con press pass, ghosts the news team after one email, uses their badge to get people to let him interview them, takes credit for a feelgood article he didn't write, generally disrespects the new site he took advantage of for their reputation
Speaking of, he interviewed people (again posing as a trusted journalist) but cut out nearly all the interviews about the Fandom because people weren't giving him what he wanted (he wanted to play a scare cord when someone said something sexual but no one did because obviously) so he skips by all of it except the parts he makes fun of for being neurodivergent people
He tries out for the dance competition, solely because he needs a B plot for his video and he thinks it will get him invited to "sex parties", doesn't practice at all, is shocked he doesn't make it, then crashes the competition anyway to utter silence of the crowd and doesn't even watch other dancers and just leaves the con after
Another thing is him constantly conflating "room parties" the sexual thing he treats like a big secret and is looking to film, and any kind of furry event or party whatsoever. So he treats all furry events like they're sex events in editing. Trying to make it seem like there's no divide between sfw and NSFW events
He flat out LIES about Con dealers den policy to make it seem like Kids are gonna see porn because THINK OF THE CHILDREN (LITERALLY AN UNIRONICALLY). Literally lies and says "8 year Olds can just go to the dealers den and buy porn" when in reality you need ID and a badge (which also requires ID) to get into, the dealer who's product they show off having obvious +18 markers on everything
Homophobia looking at obviously gay porn magazines
Passes out tacky "invite me to sex party" business cards, at the end of the video announces he's selling them (at ridiculous prices). Said sales of leftover cards would more than surpass the amount of money he donated to the Trevor project as an "apology". He also made the video a charity video to deflect blame, even though it has generated zero donations other than what he donated and not addressing the actual issues with the video
Asks to be part of Gay group chats planning the parties he is after and is Homophobic and surprised they are gay and talk about sex. Mock people's bodies and nudes and is disgusted by gay sexuality as a joke.
Jokes about how he's gonna be molested/forced by "older predators" when he actually goes to the parties for consensual sex. "Gays are predators/groomers and rapists" Homophobia abound
recording a room party without consent, using the footage to have an animated verison created for his video
Recording a room party with consent for personal private viewing, BUT NOT CONSENT TO BE USED IN A PUBLIC YOUTUBE VIDEO. This is the video he shows in the original video
Pretending to wrap the video up with a feel good message, despite literally everything he did being shit
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inklingofadream · 1 year
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(1/3) Heartbreaking! Here's what I imagine: The gang doesn't know/can't trust anyone, and they can't just go back to their old jobs (it'll take DECADES for Sasha to learn computers again), so all they can do is play boardgames (freshly bought) and debate in circles. Why is Jon avoiding them? What has Jonah done to him? Is he in danger now? (How should they kill Jonah?) Beholding got them back only for them to sit around worried and bored. Jonah recognises why Beholding did this, that Time wasn't
(2/3) a viable solution after all. This realization does not lead to any kind of useful personal development. They were doing FINE. Jon could be happy if he just TRIED. Jon feels terrible because HE did this to his friends and he can't even support them properly. But he's also frustrated and defensive when they try to push him on WHY he seems to prefer the guy they all - to them so recently - agreed was Bad. Danny's especially hurt. Jon walks on eggshells around everyone, and ironically feels
(3/3) more alone than ever. He spirals. Everyone Hates Him. He doesn't want to hurt Jonah. He doesn't want to get hurt by him. Should he just leave for a while? But then he can't keep his friends safe... Also word quickly spreads about Team Blessed by Beholding and the gang has to deal with being creeped on by the entire cult as they're basically THE Apostles of the Messeyeah. No one knows who they actually are though, so people just collectively create a rather unhinged mythology on the spot.
(4/4) Secret message: I honestly don't know if you appreciate long brain-dumping messages like this. If you don't, just don't respond to the three previous asks and I'll stop :) Also, please don't take it as pressure to continue this particular storyline or even to write more in general, I'm just really excited about your whole au thing and I wanted to share the picture it has painted in my brain today. xoxo Jonah ask anon
yesssss love a brain dump, love your asks
The one solid Thing I know happens post-resurrection is that they Can't live in the barracks. Like it's just not feasible. Aside from the fact that several of these people Did Not Sign Up For This and Will try to peace out and make their way in the world (which Jonah obviously can't allow for both control and logistical reasons, they don't have money or ID and they'll probably like. get shot by Robocop idk future struggles) a separate and rapidly-becoming-fancier room(s) next to Jon's is constructed. Like it might be their own mini compound with a separate bathroom/living room/bedrooms but my initial gut instinct is bunk beds. The kind that's a twin on top and a double or queen on bottom, because there are two married couples. Bed 1: Sasha/Michael on bottom, Gerry on top; bed 2: Georgie/Melanie on bottom, Martin on top; Bed 3: regular bunk bed, the Stokers, I think I might actually have stated who was top bunk and who was bottom when they lived in the Institute so it's whatever I said then
That aside, it has a door like Jon's that locks from both inside and outside, and another that connects to Jon's rooms that can only be locked from Jon's side, with a single key only he has. There is Drama about keys, because it's been part of being the Archivist, on the same level as taking statements, for a VERY long time and Gerry Is Coming To Collect. The separate room reasoning is we used to sleep in Jon's room but he's avoiding us and if he isn't here he's with Jonah which is obviously unacceptable, so we need somewhere to clear out to so he'll come back.
I also think one of the things Jonah decides is that clearly they weren't Beholding enough before if they died (ignoring that it Did Not think through stuff like that, this was not on its radar before Jon told it directly) so we need to fix it so it doesn't happen again. He manages enough logic to corner them into New Tattoos, something Gerry designs that goes around their wrists or over their hearts, I think. Because Jonah mixes the Getting Shot By Robocop concern and the Jon concern into Jon being afraid he's just going to lose them again so he's avoiding them.
This does not help Jon's fear and guilt complex! Also, bad news! it's been a long time since Jon got his! Jonah has filled a New Jar Of Eyes! But I think Georgie is something of a blindspot even WITH a tattoo, which Jonah Hates
Also definitely a thing is that the current James-Shelleys are in a super weird position. Like we're past the point of anything beyond "Jon was such good friends with them 🥰" to have been remembered. But there's still a definite family resemblance to several of them. And what do you even do with that? From either end?
And I think Gerry at least is sympathetic to Jon's situation. He's very clear on Jonah having manipulated Jon into it, but he gets How. Vs several of the others having it snag their brains in a way that makes them defensive and passive aggressive and a bit mean. They come around before too long, but it's well past the point where Martin and Tim have become lifelong Complaining Buddies. But Gerry sees stuff like Jonah coming up to see wtf is happening when they arrive and Jon SPRINTING across the room and wrapping around him and recognizes it. It's the exact same way Jon used to try to fuse with HIS side when he was upset or scared. It's a bit less platonic, the image of the gang getting tattoos in my head has Jon fancied up and sitting in Jonah's literal lap bc he's so upset, but it's the same pattern. And Gerry gets a share of the guilt complex bc being like 90 years old is not a good enough excuse for having Abandoned His Best Friend
And I think the thing that eventually resets everyone's view of Jon is Jon not caring if they go in his rooms because he is Gone Gone Gone and Gerry remembering how Jon appeared from between the clothes. Cue a very Scooby Doo searching-for-hidden-rooms montage and some Big Emotions when they find what Jon saved, how carefully it's kept in climate controlled cases and STILL falling apart in many cases. It drives home both that Jon DID miss them terribly- he was literally in there when they appeared- and how enormous the time without them really was.
(cue Beholding FREAKING OUT because that makes them decide they need some Serious Jonah-free strategizing, because obviously he'll try to sabotage them as much as he can without alienating Jon. And the tunnels are right there. And it may not care as much about them, but it tried SO hard to make Jon happy and now they're GONE what HAPPENED Jon is going to CRY!!)
(also "Jon could be happy if he just TRIED" pinged something in my brain, so if anyone is interested in Jonelias-flavored manipulation, heavy Jon whump, and Elias having absurd unreasonable expectations I highly recommend The Haunting of Elias Bouchard it's an absolute gutpunch)
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cherry-gemz · 3 years
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Summary: This is a continuation of the movie Before We Go and my interpretation and imagination of an A/U. Brooke is you (Y/N) and Nick is still Nick :)
Prompt: "Just admit that I'm right." for @the-ce-horniest-book-club Drunk Drabbles for Nick Vaughan.
Pairings: Nick Vaughan x Y/N
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: <2k...is this a drabble still? Oopsies XD
A/N: I watched this movie for the first time just last week. It's now one of my top 3 Cevans movies! While I'm all for a romantic, serendipitous, spontaneous trope...much like Before Sunrise *no spoilers*, the ending was great, but I wanted a different spin. No pressure...yah, right! Either way, hope you enjoy xx.
Tags: @thesecretlifeofdaydreamss @tonystankschild @a-little-counter-esperanto
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You sniff and rub the end of your coat sleeve with your nose. Had to be the chill in the air, you thought. Not the fact that you just spent the most amazing and life changing night with a man you just met hours before and it was ending.
You stare out the train’s window; the gentle hum of the cart gliding across the steel tracks echoed in your thoughts. You shook your head in thinking that you made a mistake. I should have stayed...I should have told him how I felt…
“Nick. It's you again. Listen. I want to give you one more piece of advice. You're gonna be playing one night... Grand Central... thinking of every reason in the world to not go see the girl that broke your heart. Then, you're gonna meet somebody. And now, at first, she's gonna seem… icy. You're gonna know right away she's trouble. She's gonna take all your money. You're probably gonna get punched in the face. But stay with her; you're gonna need her a lot more than she needs you. And at the end of the night, you're gonna want to say some things, but don't. Don't ruin it. It's nothing she doesn't already know. Just give her a kiss. Wish her good luck. And thank her. Thank her for showing you that you can love more than one person in this life.”
He was unbelievably charming. You said so yourself. His raw talent with the trumpet was beautiful and different from what you were used to. The suburbia of the Boston bubble was what you were forced to live in now. You were from London, you were cultured and refined. Sure things with Michael were exciting at first, but the ho hum of the daily diatribe of routine became loathsome. Dépaysement. But you still never wavered in your marriage. Unlike Michael who had crossed that sacred line and lost your trust. It wasn't even fully the physical aspect that he went to another woman. It was the intimacy of telling her his deepest desires and then some that hurt the most. That he would want to share that with anyone else but you. But tonight. Tonight was what made you see clearly.
"It's possible, isn't it? It's possible that you could meet somebody who's perfect for you even though you're committed to somebody else," you asked as you bit your lip.
"No, no, see, I think if you're committed to somebody, you don't allow yourself to find perfection in someone else."
You found yourself blushing and cupping your cheek in thoughts of Nick. He was right. The whole night was a cluster mess of you trying to get home before Michael so you'd be able to throw away that wretched note. That he'd come to his senses and forget Linny. That he'd realized he was a fool and you'd start over. Just like old times.
However, slowly that feeling of reconciliation faded away little by little as each hour in the city passed. You couldn't pinpoint it exactly, but somehow the scrappy trumpet player Nick Vaughan etched his way into your icy heart and left an impression and stayed.
His fluffy, dark hair - so soft and inviting for you to rake your fingers through it was enough to drive you mad. His scruffy beard, which tickled when you kissed. You already loved ghosting your palms over it softly and imagined being able to do it whenever you wished. He said earlier into the night you weren't his type; you scoffed, but we're annoyed that it bothered you. You were a classic model of what guys were into, looks wise. Sure, your attitude was what rubbed some people the wrong way, but Americans really were too sensitive.
He however...he was the full package. Every toothy grin, wink, and full hearty laugh. He was addicting. He was a dead ringer for a heartthrob, but you also couldn't hate the guy for it. He was the friend you'd call to bail you out of jail at 4am and the boyfriend that you could see settling down with. It was nauseating really.
And then his lips. His soft lips...you can’t believe you kissed him in the hotel room. And then again at the train station. But you would have kicked yourself for not doing so in the first place. The way your fingers interlaced themselves on his terry cloth robe, how desperately you wanted to press your body against his. All you wanted was for him to feel that burning need within the apex between your thighs and extinguish it all night. But it was more than that, he was what you were missing. But you were kidding yourself. You weren’t running to Michael, you were running away from Nick.
But why? Because of the unknown? Because he actually knew who you were deep down inside? How could a man you barely knew, change you? Change what you thought was true, what you thought was love?
You dove your hand into your wool jacket’s pockets to push any thoughts of self-doubt, when you realize there was a piece of cardstock. You were puzzled to find it and immediately smiled in recognizing the hotel survey card. You bit your lip as you read down the survey questions one by one and notice Nick’s handwriting at the bottom, ‘turn over’ with an arrow.
Curious you turn over the hotel card and he’s written the word ‘yes’. Yes? You furrow your brow and contemplate further what he would be saying yes to. You think about the night - the time at the bar, helping him with Hannah, when you went to the psychic reading. Yes? What in the world - and then you turn the card back over and realize that on the second to last question it asked “Will you be likely to return?”
None of the boxes are checked, but he’d written ‘yes’ on the back. Yes. Yes he’ll return? Where? To the hotel? But when? You look up and rush to think about stopping the train dead in its tracks to return back to Grand Station. You breathe out heavily and come to terms that this isn’t a movie. He’s not chasing you down the tracks, jumping on the train to find you. Or is he? You wouldn’t put it past him. The whole night was filled with serendipitous concourses, this would be icing on the cake. You dart your head around to see if he’s in the cable car. It’s like in every rom com movie ending, the man of your dreams will be right there. He’s somehow charmed his way into boarding the train and found you waiting like a princess in her high tower. The train car is dark and bleak, only a few passengers are riding it as it’s the first route to Boston on a Sunday. You peer over to see if he’s in the next cart, but alas he is not. You slump in your seat and rub your thumb methodically over his words.
"Have you ever had a feeling that somebody was going to play a major part in your life?” you ask.
“Yeah."
“Do you know the most interesting thing about hotel art? It's what's on the back.”
It’s then you realize you have to return to New York. This story wasn’t about you and Michael anymore. No, it was about the man who selflessly helped you while you were in need, not only at your dire hour, but metaphorically as well. This was meant to be. You were meant to miss your train, break your phone, and meet the handsome man named Nick Vaughn. You knew he’d still be in the city because of his audition for the day with Duke at least, if you could just get to him somehow...
*
Your knees bounced as you sat on a cushioned chair in the hotel lobby. You had planned to wait there all day, but then realized the $13 train ticket was your only way of providing you security back home. So you went home. Confronted Michael. Cursed, cried, and then relief rushed over you as he had read your letter and how you knew about the affair. How you wanted to throw fists on his chest and tell him how much you hated him. But once you saw him, you found it didn't matter to you anymore. Someone else was worth fighting for. Your marriage was over. The hatred and spite you once had for your husband had dissipated. Your world didn't end like you thought it would. This wasn't your only chance at love. You were choosing to be happy, whether it was with Nick or not. This was the first time you were going to jump without having a net.
And Nick was wrong. Michael didn't want to work things out, he was coming to tell you that he loved you, but that and he'd be returning to Atlanta for good. The house, car, everything was yours: Nick said so himself, you gotta be okay with not being okay. So you walked away. You made the choice just like the psychic said and took it in stride, you faced the music.
However now you found yourself back in New York. Not the once stranded woman at a crossroads less than 24 hours before, but the woman that made a choice. You were worried that Nick would see it as you running away again. Running away because Michael didn't choose you. But in reality you didn't choose each other.
Still without an ID, you took your car and better against the four hour drive to the city and hoped a cop wouldn't pull you over. You thought of the night in the hotel. The laughs, the closeness you two encountered. The playful and cheeky way he could make you feel seen. You were starting to get nervous, what if he doesn't show up? What if I missed my chance?
"I'm an idiot," you murmur to yourself. "I can't believe I'm here."
You stand up and realize there Nick was there in your path. He looked a little worn, obviously from staying up all night. But he had changed and showered from the looks of it, and his signature trumpet case held in his hand.
"Well look who it is. The biggest loser in New York."
You laughed and blushed at the sight of him. He slung his trumpet case over his broad shoulder and walked over to close the gap.
“Just admit that I’m right.”
"Admit what?" You ask as you find yourself touching his jacket sleeve.
"Admit that you couldn't get enough of me." You hitched a breath from his words.
"You can say that."
"I can't believe you came back," he responded. His blue eyes gazed into yours as he brushed away a tendril of hair from your face.
"I read your answer to the survey...on the back."
"The stay did exceed my expectations and I did say I would return," he smiles.
"And here you are."
"Here I am…" he pulls away slightly as he's reminded that you're married.
"I jumped," you replied.
He's taken back by your statement and furrows his brow.
"What? With what?"
"I told Michael it was over."
"Wow. I'm so...sorry, Y/N."
"Don't be. You said so yourself, at some point it was time to face the music."
He nodded, absorbing the information.
"Say what's in your head."
He shook his head and grinned,"I'm just glad you came back is all."
"Yeah? How'd you know?"
"I didn't. Just sure as hell hoped you would."
He intertwines your fingers with his and holds tight. Like a missing puzzle piece found, your hand fits perfectly with his.
"Whaddya say we get out of here?"
"What do you have in mind?"
"I may know a place," he smiles devilishly and gives your knuckles a kiss.
You grab his dress shirt collar and turn him towards you. He runs his hands through your hair and places his lips upon yours, kissing you deeply. It's a kiss so passionate, so perfect - that after you part, neither open your eyes for a few moments afterwards and he embraces you tightly.
"Good, because I'm not going anywhere."
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whosjunglejim4322 · 4 years
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Cobra Hybrid! Yukhei/ fighter AU
Warnings: pussy eating, breeding kink, competitive fighting, bl**d, mentions of open wounds, eagle hybrid Xiaojun, scorpion hybrid Hendery, minor mentions of getting high, angst, mentions of near death experiences, fluff bc Xuxi loves u an unhealthy amount
The sky outside of your bedrooms hopper window is scattered with rich hues of deep violet and burgundy, a sight that is too captivating to not sit and admire for at least a moment while your food cools off on your beside table.
You've always been particular about the temperature, needing it hot enough to burn your palms but not the surface of your tongue.
You smile warmly to yourself as you think of Yukhei, the way he can practically scarf anything down no matter the heat. You've had to physically stop him from inhaling piping hot ramen quite a few times, though he never listens. "Its okay, promise!I like when it's hot!"
Stubborn boy.
The colors above seem to dissipate by the second into shades that better suit the nighttime hour, not even a quarter of the sun peeking from below the horizon as the city below continues to buzz with work commutes, or perhaps lovers that are eager to be in the same space their partners occupy.
You sigh ruefully, knowing that it's just your suboncious missing a certain doe eyed, raven haired boy.
It hasn't even been two days since you last saw eachother, the navy blue sweatshirt that he wore over still hanging off the corner of your dresser, the scent of patchouli and cedarwood clinging to the fabric.
Your fingers reach out to undo the latch that keeps your window closed, the cool, dusk air gentle against your cheeks.
You know you shouldn't worry about him, he's with Hendery and Xiaojun and the others and they're all celebrating YangYang's birthday in his uncles house near Shenzhen.
At least that's what his last message said, and truly, you're not one to be overly nosey or obsessive. But the thought of Yukhei, your Yukhei, back in that poisonous red ring with barbarous eyes latched onto his body, eager for his blood to spill across the white floor-
You feel your throat tighten at the thought, eyes closing as you inhale through your nose, the air not as thick with smog this time of year and allowing for at least somewhat of a peace of mind. 
You find the juxtaposition to the outside world, and the world that lies below the boutiques and indie music shops and niche cafes, to be sardonically humorous.
It makes sense, strangely, that the evil and greed that people possess would no doubt be thrumming with a life of its own in the hybrid world, even more so than that of the human world, sometimes.
And for hybrids like Yukhei, the ones with a little more strength, a little more aggression once the animal that coexists with their dna is provoked, for a king cobra; merchants practically frothed at the mouth when your boyfriend put himself up for rivalry.
It was the last thing he ever wanted to do, and not just because the clubs usually smelled of dry blood and spit among other noxious substances, or because of the fact that his body felt as if it had been hit by a train every morning when he awoke.
It's because of how you sobbed when you found out. Your eyes and nose raw with the fury in which you had rubbed them, your body shaking. It hurt more than anything, more than a fierce kick to the jaw or a pair of canines ripping into the flesh of his shoulder.
It was agoninzing, almost more so than the fact that he had to do it in order to pay off some stupid, futile debt that he owed.
It was a nefarious fox hybrid who helped him out of an almost brawl at a club downtown during the time he worked there, fixing drinks sometimes, or lending a hand in securing the canvas and apron that was needed for the fighting ring.
It was easy work for him, and he needed the money if he wanted to get through school by even a little, but the people who occupy spaces like that, they weren't too keen on a snake hybrid being allowed in during daytime hours; helping or not.
It was just a bigheaded bull, a new bartender who caught a glimpse of the few iridescent scales that gleamed acrosss the expanse of his shoulder blade, and before he could even smell the unprompted vexation wafting off of the hulking man- he was thrown across the room.
He was nearly impaled on the bar top, nearly. Though the fox jumped in almost too eagerly after the bull busted your boyfriend's top lip open, introducing himself as the owner and kicking the aggressor off of Yukhei after professing his status.
As far as the story goes, the owner was still quite upset at the fact that two bottles of expensive liquor had been busted and wasted in the whole debacle, news to Yukhei since he had been, well, fearing for the safety of his face due to the close proximity of six inch horns.
So, it was lose a decent job and have no other options left as such a reclusive breed, or use his strengths to his advantage.
You shudder everytime you think of the ladder. Nothing prepared you for hearing that from Xiaojun's mouth, for seeing him look so weak, so close to the brink of deterioration. He looked broken.
Your noodles are cold now, and you curse yourself for allowing your thoughts to wander off to a place so unnecessary to revisit.
You're too tired to heat them back up, moving from your window sill to your quaint, welcoming bed. You peel the thick comforter back and nestle yourself into the warmth, grabbing your old (but still functioning) laptop in hopes of finding something new to watch on netflix. You have too much of a habitual personality to start a new t.v. show, but a movie might suffice.
It's hard to focus your attention elsewhere, to not to think of him. He's the type of person that you can't ever get used to seeing upclose, so effortlessly beautiful it's almost painful, an ache in the pit of your chest.
Maybe that's silly to say, but it's not jusy because you're sickeningly in love with him. It's this force that he carries with him, like he's made of pure, raw sunlight.
You close your eyes for a moment, picturing the way his plush lips feel against yours when he smiles into a kiss, noses touching and giggles resonating in his throat as you play with the wild strands of his perpetually fluffy hair.
You think of all the things that make him inherently him. His hands, the way they always seem to be steady and gentle, elegant, despite their size. Even when he caresses your cheek with the back of his knuckles, it's featherlight.
It's in his nature to be so agile, so stealthy in his movements. You sometimes forget he's a snake hybrid at all, his outside appearance similar to a lion shifter, or a wolf.
It's probably the most unobvious thing about him, unless he were to take his clothes off and reveal the miscellaneous littering of scales across his broad back and shoulders.
They're similar to his eyes in the way that they're usually onyx until they glimmer under light, ranging from shades of dazzling silver to veridian. You think of the way he hums in satisfaction everytime you run your fingertips along the surface, eyes captivated with wonder.
You jolt in surprise as your phone rings obnoxiously loud, your eyebrows furrowed in annoyance at the prospect of your pleasant thoughts being so rudely interrupted. Your indignation vanishes when you see the caller ID.
Hendery 🦂 is calling...
"Hello?" Your voice is neutral for the most part, the rational side of your mind trying not to panick so suddenly.
That doesn't last long once you hear the troubled pang in the hybrids voice, the hairs on the back of your neck standing straight up.
"Hey, uh- I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry to have to- look Yukhei is hurt-" You're sure all the blood in your body has suddenly been drained, stomach twisting as the words fly from Hendery's mouth. "We can't go to the hospital, Yangyang isn't with us and-"
This can't be happening. Not again. Who lied? Did they all lie?
"Is it the same club?" The stillness in your voice is unsettling, though you're pretty sure you might be going into shock at this point. You can't feel your limbs properly.
"Yes." He replies bleakly, and your fingers tremble as they end the call.
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It's like you knew, you always know. There's something about being with Yukhei that has given you a sort of second sense, it's like knowing when a step is missing and you're about to trip.
You know you're going well over the speed limit, skin pulled fiercly over your knuckles with the force in which you're gripping the steering wheel. You're only aware you're crying when streaks of warmth cascade down your cheeks and soak into Yukhei's sweatshirt that you threw on before leaving.
You never wanted to be back here, navigating the slim dark streets to find that familiar, seemingly abandoned building with a simple red logo spray painted on the side. It can only be understood by hybrids, humans not able to translate.
The building is tucked so far back behind the city, it makes for an incredibly unpleasant journey, along with an already unpleasant destination. It's a dark corner in a place full of light. It's the door to a shadow world, to the creatures that find comfort in malice and anguish.
You're surprised you've arrived so fast, not even aware of the strange, curious glances you've been getting by passerbys. No doubt wondering what a little human girl is doing in one of the most dangerous, underground parts of the city.
But they can't touch you, not legally anyways. It's forbidden for hybrids to harm humans, and none of them would dare risk exposing their little side show for a taste of a mundane.
It's Xiaojun you spot first, his conspicuous head of nearly white hair sticking out like a sore thumb amongst the darkness of the alleyway. It's only as you approach that you can see he's slumped under the weight of Yukhei, who's figure is akin to a wilting flower.
You feel your stomach lurch, though adrenaline is what drives you to throw yourself out of the car like a madman, leaving the door open and all to run to his side. You share a brief glance with a wide eyed Hendery, gesturing towards the car as your knees scrape fiercly against the pavement.
You almost don't want to look at him completely, gaze set on Xiaojun as you round to the other side and slip yourself underneath Yukhei's heavy arm. You can't, however, ignore the blood that sticks to your skin, nor the scent of it clinging to him. He murmurs your name with a strained cry, your knees wobbling.
It's a complete blur, happening in what you guess is only about two to three minutes. Yukhei slurs his words as you and the blonde haired hybrid hoist him up with all your strength, agonized groans bellowing from his throat while you move him to the back seat.
You help to manuever his long legs into the car, every bruised, wounded, and bloody part of him visible now underneath the light above your heads. It's even worse than before. How can it be worse?
You throw yourself in beside him, Xiaojun slamming the door shut before he sprints to the passengers seat, Hendery hitting the throttle as soon as everyone is secure inside the vehicle.
You turn to your boyfriend, your love. You have to resist the urge to reach out and touch him, terrified to accidentally skim past a laceration. You whisper his name into the darkness, hoping that he'll answer and that he won't disappear before your very eyes.
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Getting him inside of their apartment complex isn't easy. And not just because it takes two of you to carry him, his body too weak to do much of anything; it's mostly because carrying a half dead looking hybrid to an elevator isn't really the most optimal option.
Luckily Hendery knows how to pick the lock to the fire escape hatch in the back of the complex, allowing the four of you to somewhat subliminally carry him up two flights of stairs before finally arriving at apartment 236.
Not the essiest thing you've ever done. But none of that matters, nothing matters right now except for him.
"Couch!" Xiaojun yells, Hendery two steps ahead of him, pushing the old coffee table in the center of the livingroom to the far right corner.
Yukhei stammers before you both set him onto the piece of furniture as gently as you can, a choked whimper being the only sound he can make. It's even worse in this light, all the shared meals and nights binge watching movies suddenly lightyears away. Now this room is tainted with the sight of him falling apart.
"What do we do? Oh god, what do we do?" You speak through a broken sob, on your knees next to your boyfriends limp figure, his long limbs hanging off the side of the couch while his head struggles to stay upright.
You don't even realize Hendery has ran off until he is jogging back with a first aid kit that probably won't do any good, not in this situation. He reads the uncertainty and disbelief in your expression, quickly rebuttling.
"Venom, we need his venom," He and Xiaojun share a look that you don't quite understand, but you're too overwhemled to question it right now. "We just need to clean him up first, as best as we can."
He hands you a warm, damp washcloth and you are quick to bring it to Yukhei's face, the only place that isn't too damaged to touch and somewhat tamper with. His swollen eyes struggle to stay open, but once your hand caresses his sweltering cheek, he uses all of the strength he has to mutter your name.
"I'm so- sorry, you don't...you don't under..understand."
You place a gentle finger to his busted lips, pulling back immediately as his eyebrows furrow and he winces, not yet aware of the two others pouring some sort of unfamiliar disinfectant onto the open wounds.
"Shh, not right now. We gotta get you fixed up, okay? It's gonna be alright."
The words are probably more comforting to yourself, though nothing is comfortable at a time like this. Everything is happening so fast, Hendery gently pushing you to the side and whispering something to Yukhei that is inaudible to your human ears.
He nods weakly, and you can't hide your horror nor contain the frightening gasp that escapes your throat when Xiaojun approaches and bares his claws, shoving them into your boyfriends side.
You're frozen in place, time stopping for a an infinite moment as you sit and watch what's unfolding. Hendery muffles Yukhei's agonized shout initially, removing his hand when he realizes that the cobras fangs have been ejected.
He holds a vile up to his mouth, puncturing the top open with the sharp edge of his tooth, allowing the sticky clear venom to drip down into the glass container. You've never seen Yukhei's fangs before, mostly because snake hybrids and cobras alike aren't one to use them unless absolutely necessary.
Life or death.
It happens quick, Xiaojun with a needle inbetween his deft fingers, likely from the inconspicuous looking first aid kit, pulling the venom through the syringe before handing it to Hendery to inject into your boyfriends carotid artery.
His body stiffens as if he's gone into shock, veins protruding from his skin and pulsing like his heart beat has gone past the safe amount of BPM.
And then, he's still, so still it feels like you're getting a glimpse of what it's like to lose him, and you still can't find the strength of the willpower to move.
"He'll be okay, I promise,"
Hendery is by your side in an instant, panting as perspiration drips from his forehead. "He just needs to rest, he's the only type of hybrid who can use his own venom as a healing agent."
It feels like you've stepped into a different dimension, like somehow now is the time that your brain finally begins to over process the fact that none of these boys are human and that monsters really do exist.
They're not the monsters. You're not bothered by their otherworldy state of being in the slightest, but there's something in the way that they speak that makes it seem as though you're missing a vital detail, like a page ripped straight from the spine of a book. A page that could very well determine the entire stories fate.
"Where's Yangyang? And the birthday?" Your voice is barely above a whisper, incredulity in your tone.
He and the blonde haired eagle look guilty beyond belief, hesitancy in their eyes. The anger that boils inside of you, starting from your toes and rising to your ears, pushes you to stand to your feet and move past them to where Yukhei lies.
Theur admittance to whatever the fuck is going on, can come later. You don't trust yourself right now anyways, too angry, too overcome with grief to yell or shout or throw things in the way you wish to.
You sit by his side, and reach out to brush his tousled hair out from in front of his scraped forehead, examining the violet and burgundy hues that blooms from underneath his honey colored skin.
"I love you, I'll always be here."
You whisper, lying your head against the cushion next to his, exhaustion suddenly clouding your brain and allowing you to forget, just for a second, that you almost lost him.
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The sunlight burns red from behind your eyelids, last nights events not yet in the forefront of your brain until you hear the low timbre of voices from the other room, haunting images forcing you awake.
You sit up too fast, head pounding from the restless sleep you've endured. You realize you're in someones bed when you kick off a familiar pair of black sheets from your feet, the setting around you like a second home. Yukhei's room. Someone must have carried you here during the night.
You're quicker and more eager than you've ever been in the morning, feet carrying you towsrds the half open door as you practically sprint into the livingroom, expecting to see him lying there as immobile as he was last night; preparing yourself for the worst.
But you don't see anyone on the couch, in fact. It takes you a moment to register that everyone is in the kitchen, huddled around the island. You're too beside yourself to realize that the broad, tan back that's facing you belongs to him, until he turns around.
You don't get a good look at his face, already smashing yourself against his chest with a force that doesn't even budge him. You gasp suddenly, recoiling in fear as you step away, terrified that you've hurt him.
His long arms are still open expectantly, doe eyes glossy as he stares back at you in confusion, your expression as shocked as it is dubious. He's healed. Well, not completely. Your fingers trace over the scabs that have formed where gashes and lacerations once were just hours before.
He pulls you to him again by your elbows, and you look up at him through wet lashes to see that the bruises are no longer a severe shade of purple and blue, only slightly yellow.
It doesn't take many more glances before you're forcing yourself up onto your tippytoes, grasping his cheeks in your palms and pressing your mouth against his.
His arms enclasp you fiercly, nearly making it hard to breathe but you don't care, not at all. Not when he's whole and alive and smells like himself again, not when he's kissing you like it's been years since you've last seen eachother.
When you part you realize that Yangyang and Kun are here, and the confusion that you harbored last night for their actions and secret glances, has you reluctantly pulling away from the embrace of your lover.
You see it now, the fear and worry that colors his expression. All of their expressions. Your eyes are suddenly fierce, fists clenching by your sides as your nails form crescents into the flesh of your palms.
"Someone better tell me what the everliving fuck is going on and why this happened again," You've never been so furious, have never lashed out as anyone as angrily as you are right now.
"A birthday party? Really? That's the excuse you came up with?!" Yukhei hangs his head in shame, knowing that it's in all of their best interest to let you finish. It's only fair.
"And you all knew, every single one of you let him walk into that ring again, every single one of you were okay with letting him die!" Your voice rises an octave, fresh tears now springing from your tired eyes.
"And I know there's something more, you're all shit liars. I just don't know what's going on and I dont know why, I just need to know why?" You sound defeated this time, covering your face in your hands as the cobra cradles your head against his chest.
You're too weak to pull away, too run dry to sob any longer.
Kun is the first to speak.
"His venom, it's-" You can only guess that someone glares at him, Hendery murmuring to his elder to let Yukhei tell you himself.
You finally glance up, meeting the teary eyed gaze of the man you love, who looks as terrified as he does stricken with unidentifiable emotions. He's silent as he deliberates with himself mentally, looking over his shoulder and nodding to the group in a silent understanding, before gently guiding you towards his room.
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Venom, money, high.
These words echo in your brain as you sit across from Yukhei on his bed, his eyes too scared to meet yours as he finally finishes his explanation.
It's the whole hearted truth, as painful as it is to admit to the one person in this world who he so desperately wants to protect. But it had to be done, for your sake and for his.
"So the drinks you were making, they were filled with your venom...and people drank it willingly?"
You're still struggling to understand, no anger or shame laced in your voice as he expected, though it still doesn't lighten the indescribable weight that sits on his chest. He swallows.
"It's like...it's like a high for some people, or like being drunk but to an extreme, euphoric level," He anxiously picks at the skin beside his nail beds.
"The fox knew he could profit off of it, but it's still taboo. He was my employer and could easily pass me off as a crooked cobra hybrid who was sneaking my venom into drinks for secret cash. So he told me if I wanted to stop, for good, I had the chance to get my get out of jail free card during the upcoming fight,"
Your heart feels as if it might rip through your shirt, the pain and obvious regret in his voice tangible. It all makes since bow, though, in hindsight. Though you still don't understand why the others were so involved.
As if he read your mind, he continues.
"And Hendery, Xiaojun...they were just protecting me. They'd wait and make sure that I left the club everynight unharmed, and they knew the cost of confronting the fox. Hendery's venom as a scorpion is lethal, so he couldn't get involved for obvious reasons. They weren't happy or okay with any of it, I just didn't have a choice."
You suddenly feel like the guilty one now, chest heavy as the pieces of the gigantic, horrifying, and confusing puzzle finally come together.
It's alot to take it, more than you were prepared for. And your anger isn't directed at them anymore, in fact wvery ounce of fire that had been raging inside of you burns at the idea of that stupid fucking fox doing all of this for cash.
Sensing that he's still worried you're upset, you reach out to grab his fidgeting hands, his chin lifting only slightly as to peer at you through his dark lashes.
When you crawl over to him and on his lap, he looks dumbfounded. Even more so as you kiss him gently, softer than a rose petal as your thumb caresses the apple of his cheek.
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that, I'm so so sorry." Tears slip past your waterline before you can contain them and he kisses them away just as quickly, voice incredulous.
"Baby no, don't apologize, ever," He lifts your face to his, eyes wide and full of reverie. "I'm okay, I'm okay because you were there and I promise with my entire heart and soul to never get wrapped up in that shit ever again, ever."
You kiss him again, the taste of tears not bothering either of you. You just need to feel him, to remind yourself that he's not going anywhere. You can't shake the thought of how he looked last night.
"I almost lost you, Yukhei you...I thought I'd wake up and you'd be gone and I'd never get to kiss you again or hear your laugh," He's crying now, too, silently as he closes his eyes and you bury your face against his neck. His hands cradle you as if he has the entire world in his grasp.
"Shh I'm here, m'not going anywhere baby. I'll stay forever with you."
And he means it to his very core, feels it in his bones, solidifed as you kiss him again and again like he suplies the air in your lungs. You're both so in love with every fiber of your being, so enraptured in the feeling of one another.
When you push at his chest to silently ask him to lie down, he's quick to assert who's taking care of who, eagerly gripping your soft waist and letting your back fall against his mattress.
"My sweet angel," You arch into his touch as his plush mouth nibbles the soft skin underneath your jaw, traveling across the expanse of your throat and to the sides of your neck. "Let me make you feel good, been so patient with me."
It dawns om him that you're wearing his hoodie and he swears his heart throbs in his chest, quick fingers pulling the garment over your head and tossing it to the side with your shirt underneath, before continuing his descent.
He's shamless in the way he cups your breasts in his wide palms, gazing up at you through slitted eyes as his pink tongue flicks over one of the hardening buds. You reach out to touch any part of him you can, whining as he repeats the action on the opposite breast.
He wanders even further down, across every inch of your tummy, humming all the while in satisfaction at how sweet you smell between your legs, at how needily you whine for him.
He's all too excited now, pulling the shorts from your body with a force that should've ripped them in half, kissing your inner thighs sweetly but not as earnestly as he'd like. He's just too focused on the enticing sight of your glistening sex, mouth practically watering.
He doesn't wait for you to prepare yourself, digging in immediately. Your hands fly to his hair, fingers tangling themselves in the strands as his mouth encloses around your throbbing clit, suckling before he licks a broad stripe over your folds.
"Yu-yukhei...oh!" Your thighs threaten to close around his head but he holds them open with an inescapable grip, endulging himself wholeheartedly as he slurps and licks at every drop of juice that flows from you.
It's a maddening sort of pleasure, your toes curling and belly tightening. His nose is pressed against your pubic mound as he keeps his mouth over your center, wriggling his head back and forth as his tongue flicks over your clit at an inhuman pace.
"Ah, I can't- oh fuck." You're blabbering incoherently, though it only drives him further. He relishes in the way you're writhing underneath him, the way you're so wet just for him and him only.
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"Want you to cum on my tongue, can you do that for me?"
All you can do is cry out in response, bucking your hips against his mouth as he prods at your entrance with the tip of his tongue. You're so close it's humiliating, but he's elated, already sensing your orgasm in the way your walls throb and pulse with every lick to your bud.
The sounds are so nasty, so lewd in the way your wetness combined with his saliva is so audible in the small room.
You cum without a warning, not being able to speak or do much of anything except jerk and twitch as he keeps his mouth on you, unrelenting in his determination to taste your release.
You whimper.
"Fuck me, please Xuxi p-please."
You beg softly, with half lidded eyes and he reluctantly lifts himself from your center with dark yet gentle eyes, mouth saturated in your juices. He can't resist you.
He kisses you like this, and you don't complain one bit. Not when he's got his pants down faster than you can blink, gripping his thick shaft and rubbing the ruby hued tip of his cock against your sensitive clit.
"Want me to fill you up, huh? Want me to make you mine forever and ever."
You're unable to verbally respond when he pushes himself in, not even an ounce of friction due to a mixture of your cum and his spit coating your walls as well as the inside of your thighs. He buries himself to the hilt, your hands on his broad back.
His pace is determined but not frantic, body held up by his forearms so he can continue to kiss you while his dick spears into you. Your lips are one of his favorite parts about you, so soft, the perfect size to slot right against his.
"Yes Xuxi, want you to give me all your cum, pretty p-please."
He supresses a hiss, burying his face in the crook of your neck as you wrap your thighs around his middle, heels pressing into his lower back.
"Mm, gonna give you my babies," He doesn't miss the way your walls flutter around him, as he pulls himself almost all the way out before sheathing himself inside of you once more. "Want you to be leaking with my cum for a w-whole week."
You whimper, and it drives him mad. His hips are agile and precise as he fucks into you now, controlled and skilled. He knows exactly where your sweet spot is, exactly what has you clinging onto him for dear life.
"You're s-so big, missed your dick, missed you."
He's the one whining now, scattering wet kisses under your jaw, nibbling your earlobe. It's like no other sensation, being together like this. You can't tell where he ends and you begin, all you can do is feel.
"You like my big dick, hmm? Want me to stuff that pretty pussy full." His words are filthy, but his candence is sweet like honey, earnest in the way his voice trembles. He's just as high on pleasure as you are.
"Please, please, yes."
His thrusts become harsher in the way he fucks back into you, reaching past your cervix. Your fingers bury themselves into the dark strands of his hair as quiet whimpers bubble from your throat, senses overwhelmed with Yukhei Yukhei Yukhei.
It doesn't help that he's so vocal in your ear, the deep timber of his groans sending chills down your spine and causing your belly to fill with heat, spreading throughout your limbs like wildfire.
It's not just fucking, this feels like what making love really is. It's a reunion in more ways than one, a solidification of your bond. You wish it could last forever, the scent of his skin, the softness of it. You can feel every muscle in his body strained with the strength he uses to please you, to reach depths that have your toes curling.
When you turn your head to kiss the skin just below his ear, his hips falter.
"Oooooh, shit baby m'gonna cum, fuck."
You pull his face from your shoulder to smash his lips against yours, cradling his face as he cups the back of your neck. His tongue slips inside your mouth, and you purposely squeeze your walls around his length.
He mewls, cursing under his breath. "Cum for me, please Yukhei," He's looking right into your eyes, lips kiss bitten, skin flushed. "Make sure you give me every last drop."
He's done for, hair sticking to his forehead, a broken groan straining to leave his throat as he pushes himself as deep as possible, both of you watching each others expression in the process.
"I love you I love you I love you." He chants, while spurts of his cum paint your walls white. You unravel when you look down between your bodies for a fleeting moment, catching a glimpse of the amount he's released as he disappears inside of you over and over again.
He kisses your face as you struggle to grasp onto him, the pleasure too much to handle, physically and emotionally. It has tears springing from your eyes, nails digging into his biceps as he continues to fuck you through it.
"I love you too, I love you so much." You finally reply, finding the strength to speak no matter how slurred and sleepy it might sound.
He smiles warmly with irrevocable adoration, eyes crinkling at the corners. He strokes your cheek with the soft pad of his thumb, leaning down to peck your nose, and then your forehead, and then your eyelids.
"You have my entire heart," He professes. "I'll always be here."
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"Guess I saw that cumming."
Xiajun glares at Hendery.
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teenagebeautyqueen · 4 years
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[Image description: a young person holds a mobile phone with a blue case and a paper on the other. the paper has a drawing of an umbrella colored with the trans pride flag. we can only see their upper body. they are looking down and to the left of the image. they're smiling without showing their teeth, and look relaxed. they're wearing a black, loose hoodie and some shorts can be seen at the bottom of the picture. they're also using black nail polish. on the background there is a door and a star wars poster. the other image is a close up of the paper. end ID]
🌈ʜᴇ/ᴛʜᴇʏ🌈
happy trans day of visability to all my fellow trans*!! here is me and my project for peace's day... i personally love it. it's on spanish, but i'll translate it for y'all.
the text on the left says "cada persona que conoces está luchando una batalla de la que no sabes nada. sé amable. siempre", which is the translation of that quote that goes like "every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. be kind. always".
the one on the right says "¿qué sentido hay en pelear? ¿por qué insistimos en sabotearnos mutuamente? Todos caminamos por el mismo sendero embarrado, todos nos dirigimos al mismo final." its translation is something like "what's the point on fighting? why do we insist on sabotage each other? we all walk the same muddy path, we are all headed for the same end."
and above the umbrella there's words like "odio", "acoso", "ignorancia" & "discriminación", which mean "hatred", "harassment", "ignorance", and "discrimination".
yeah i'm very subtle.
i've decided to share my story with the world. but i got kinda carried away. it's not s fairy tale, so don't read it if you're sensitive to themes like bullying, mental health issues, and toxic people.
——————————————————————
it's been... one ride of a journey, to say the least. i've said a few times that i started to question my gender around summer. but that's not quite true.
growing up, i never was fond of... anything that i associated with femenine, really. this included, but wasn't limited to, any color that wasn't blue (pink and purple get a special mention, i despised them), flowers, clothes too loose or too tight, shorts if they weren't from some sport, etc. i think you get the idea.
this collided with me being afab (aka a girl for everyone including myself) & neurodivergent. i wanted nothing to do with those things. but society wanted me to love them.
5 yo me said she didn't like Monster High. 5 yo female classmate said i was a weirdo. 7 yo me loved football. 7 yo male classmate said i couldn't play because i was a girl. 9 yo me hyperfixated on minecraft. 9 yo pretty much every classmate called me a geek.
so i stoped trying. for a while, i loved pink, wanted to have rapunzel's hair, watched disney channel, etc. but i already was the weirdo. i remember being three and friends with all of them. i remember playful fights for the toy rocket and reading books with the only other boy who could read, to ourselves, each other, and the whole class. but people grow up, and they change. so yeah, i was bullied. always the last one to be chosen, left alone on the bus rides, on my own at the playground.
and you'll be thinking "that sucks, but pao, how is it related to you being trans?"
you'll see, i didn't have many friends. i was kinda alone until i turned 7. then two new kids came to my class. let's call them eva and john. i made friends with them asap. i loved them so much!! they were my first friends since kindergarden. so i allowed myself to let go. i was already hated by most of my peers. why wouldn't i be myself with those who didn't despise me? (i was 7 when i thought this. 7 years old, and i thought that out of 20 people, 18 hated me. and then people wonder why i've got self-steem issues lmao. i'm tryna make the point that bullying in primary school isn't just some mean kids calling you names. i'm currently in high school and it still has its mark on me. but that's for another moment.)
so yeah. i went "wild". eva has adhd too (noice, right? i mean she has her diagnosis becaise she's primarly hyperactive, while i'm primarly inattentive, but we understood each other way quickier than with neurotypicals– even if i didn't know why yet), and john was kinda shy & corpulent (he wasn't fat, but he didn't look slim either), just like me. so we became friends. and i slowly opened up a little, while still playing my role of "the freak kid". i knew i was seen as that AND as the smart kid. double pressure, double bullying. but i had my small circle. it evolved until my current friend group, in which, god bless, there's a trans girl!! (eva's still on it– she's my best friend and i would die for her, no doubts. john can go fuck himself, the goddamned fascist).
but it ain't that easy. it never is. i'm 14 and afab. shit happens. y'all get it.
my first period happened while i was on a school trip (bad), on a hotel with no pads avaliable (very bad), on another country so i couldn't call my mum unless i had wifi because politics & stuff– and i did not have wifi (really bad). cue a lot of dysphoria (even if i didn't know it was that) + not being able to contact anyone. add the fact that i was the second one to have it, and it was some kind of taboo– it meant the other girls wouldn't leave me alone, and the result is clear: one of my worst panic attacks ever, on a tiny bathroom of some shitty hotel room.
from there it went downhill. my body started to become femenine, and the football short didn't make my hips smaller. my face, my oh so alarged face, suddenly became rounder. puberty hit me not only physically, but emotionally. and if that wasn't enough, we, as a class, were entering what's called here "the turkey age", a.k.a. teenagerhood, where looks become even more important. it didn't take long until i hated my body.
[WARNING: from here, this gets hard. mentions of eating disorders, depressive episodes/thoughts, toxic enviroments, homophobia/transphobia (both internalized and external), anxiety attacks, and thoughts of self-harm]
i thought "it's big, it shouldn't be big, it's fat. besides i don't want it to grow so fast. i want to make it stop growing. how? well, i grow up by eating. no eating=no growing".
yeah. eating disorder. when i think about it, i want to laugh. because it only took a few comments and "jokes" for me to be so angry at myself when i should be mad with them. i'm big. always have been, very likely always will. i've been told that i could make a very good rugby player. i probably would. i shared my cantine table with people (😔). and they wouldn't shut up. "[deadname], the rest wants to eat too!", "look at [deadname], she's gonna eat it all!". things like that. i stoped eating. i would pick up the smallest amount of food i could, even if my stomach was begging me to please eat something. eventually, my mum found out. and she helped me to grow out of it. i sometimes releapse, but never for that long. because i went on a whole year like that. and it sucked.
so, last year. socially anxious neurodivergent girl with several doubts on her sexuality gets to eight grade.
i play basketball. since i was little. i used to enjoy it a lot. we weren't a team– we were a family. loved 'em so much, 1000/10 one of the best things of my life. BOOM. now you're old enough & good enough to be on the "good" team. in the good time there's the cool kids. i am not a cool kid. oops. i was left behind, they all laughed at my back, no one cared about me (except one girl, but she was in the group and was scared to act until almost the end of the year. love her for that tho). i felt like shit. i was too scared to go to train. the sight of a ball scared me, because i couldn't help but think everyone was talking shit about me. we went to a national championship and when they went out to the city, they didn't tell me, then sent a pic of them having fun to the groupchat & delated it saying "oops it was for the other group". i had several breakdowns on my room that night. it was such a bad experience i can't even hear the name of the city without tearing up.
not to count that a new girl decided to make my life a living hell. now i know how to deal with her, but then i didn't, and i ended up curled up on the bathroom floor crying.
all while i discovered my own identity. i was so scared of being non-straight i hated myself for it.
it was a tough year and there were times where i would wish i'd never existed. it was too much for me to deal with, and i was just miserable. but i got out of it. remember the trans girl i mentioned? she's closeted, and she told me just this october. but even before that, she was my friend. she bought a new life to it all, a fresh one. i owe her a lot, including accepting myself as i am.
she is here, despite everything.
i am here, despite everything.
you are all here, despite everything.
some of us aren't here. they are the ones we remember. each one of us has our history. i shared mine with you all. it is not an easy road. you know that. it's hard, and it's tough, and it's difficult, and it's unfair.
but we are here, despite everything. the ones who made it, the ones who didn't, the ones who are halfway through it, and the ones who are to come.
we are here. we are trans. and we won't be erased.
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comebeonetwothree · 3 years
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Blog #7: Polar Opposites
7/6/2021
From San Francisco to camping in the Folsom Prison woods, we got the best and worst of both worlds.
Driving into San Francisco, we took the coast up from LA. It was an indescribable experience; making you feel things, you never thought an inanimate object could make you feel.  
Upon arrival, we were hit with the lovely smell of old urine and human feces. Not dog shit… human shit.
Our hostel was located in downtown San Francisco, which is a very sketchy area. It was so sketchy, we were warned by cops themselves to not park anywhere but a secured garage because with our out-of-state plates. It would be almost inevitable that our car would get broken into.
Johnny Cash would have approved of our campground for the weekend, it overlooked Folsom Lake, home to fish, boats and possibly a dead runaway body from the prison.
Our location for the fourth of July couldn’t have been more ideal, minus the fact they were in a massive drought, so fireworks were not allowed anywhere. It was a quiet fourth, but thankfully we only drove through one wildfire on our way out of town.
More of our college friends came out to represent. Our buddies Kyle and Noah were driving out to their new jobs in San Diego and made an appearance at our campground for the weekend.
A day trip to Lake Tahoe was all fun and games until a storm cloud rolled in and almost took us with it.
Who
Who popped the floats…
More friends!! Surprisingly enough we have seen a good amount of college friends throughout this trip. It gives me hopes of seeing them all later in life.
Noah and Kyle are our friends from Oneonta. They were driving cross country with San Diego as their final destination.
They both got jobs working at a horse race, videotaping the events. They seemed super stoked to be living out there until September. Congrats guys! Best of luck!
It really is so nice to have familiar faces on the trip, its always a blast meeting new people, but something about meeting up with a homie in the middle of California for the fourth of July, just hits different.
It was a blast having them around.
At the Walmart near our campground, we were fucking around in the parking lot (as per usually) and I was playing on Noah’s skateboard. Yanno doing tricks and shit;) To my surprise the people shacking up in their car next to us brought out two ripsticks and tried to go trick for trick with me.
They seemed to be struggling, so friendly Kyle helped them out and taught them the ways of a ripstick. About one minute after, they offered us the ripsticks and got extremely heated over not being able to get up on it still.
In their defense, they were probably not sober considering the many needles surrounding their van in the parking lot.
Ripsticking is not for everyone kids. Remember, don’t shoot up and drive anything with wheels because it can cause more damage to your cell-less brain.
What
What is jumping in the water…
Driving up the Pacific Coast, the views were unbeatable, especially when you catch a glimpse of a whale jumping as you are stopped at a stop sign.
As soon as I saw the flop, I knew it was a whale. I pulled a quick left and drove down to see the water. There was the most spectacular view of cliffs dropping  into the ocean, and sure enough we saw even more whales.
I had never seen a whale before, but in my mind I kept thinking, people really pay to see these creatures, and I got lucky enough to see it from the road.
The number of whales jumping and blowing water was insane, one of the locals we talked to said this almost never happens, they were migrating from up North. What a coincidence.
San Francisco was good for two things, the street art, and the food. I mean they have REALLY good food.
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After finding the hidden gems of the city, including some local parks and some mural ally art, we hit up a really authentic Chinese place my uncle recommended.
When you walk in this place you can already tell it’s going to slap.
The best part: you don’t order your own food. It sounds horrible if you have trust issues, but it really was the best way to eat at a place this authentic.
We just told our waitress our food restrictions and she handled the rest.
My gawddd I cannot begin to describe this food. It was just so fresh, and the presentation was spectacular.
10/10 recommend the House of Nanking.
Where
Where can I submerge my body in water…
San Francisco is known for its petty crime rates, so many cops just give you heads ups that your car will most likely get broken into.
The homelessness was just as bad as Los Angeles. About every other sidewalk had tents pitched up and needles all over.
One perk of having face masks still handy is it helps with the smells of the cities. In this case, it helped mask the smells of old urine, and human shit.
I never actually thought about the difference between dog shit and human shit, but after seeing a human shit on the sidewalk, I can now see the difference. Size and smell may vary.
Besides these sights, San Francisco was not all that bad, it had its perks. Including: its well-maintained parks that overlook the city.
The whole city is built on high hills, so the architecture is very unique and fills the landscape well.
Lake Tahoe was a day trip we all took from our campground in Folsom. It was a beautiful day outside, we were going to rent some paddleboards and chill on the water all day.
Just our luck, they ran out of paddleboards, however it worked out for the best since we ended up leaving the area abruptly.
Parking a car anywhere in California is like winning the lottery. There is simply too many people and not enough spots, and/or the spots are too sketchy to park in.
We drove around for an hour trying to find a spot to park. After finding a spot in a residential area, we walked about 20 minutes to the beach.
The spot we found was super isolated and we basically had an island to ourselves.
We did have to walk through a small river of muck to get there, but totally worth it.
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About two hours into being there a massive storm cloud rolled in out of nowhere!  
We were just going to wait it out on our island because we could see the cloud wasn’t too long. But then we had a freaky thing happen.
All our hair started standing up as if we had just got off a trampoline. The static was insane, full pieces of hair were just standing straight up.
That’s when Maya proceeded to inform us that this was a sign that we are going to get electrocuted.
She was right! So, we quickly hurried off our island through the water to get to our car. Luckily no one was electrocuted, but it would have been a cool story to tell and id get some pretty cool scars to go along with it.
Back at Folsom Lake, we had our campground set up perfectly, with arguable the best spot on the campsite.
We got to see some amazing sunsets and were able to walk down to the water.
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Prior to arriving, we picked up some cheap floats for the lake. We were able to float around all day long.
And only one of them popped after a day, considering we got them for $5!
I also got to break out my new fishing pole, finally! Too bad the fish weren't biting, I was hoping for a good ass dinner.
When
When can we leave…
Having the constant fear your car will most definitely get broken into and there is nothing you can do about it is quite exhausting. Therefore, when it was time to hit the countryside, I was READY.
Simply having out of state plates on your car is, “asking for it” when it comes to car thefts.
That first night sleeping in the city, it was a constant sound of car alarms going off, not very reassuring that our car was being held safe.
Thankfully we drove out of that city with our car intact.
When we got to Folsom, we set up our tents and hit the lake where we sat in that water for HOURS until it was dark and the air had cooled down.
The heatwaves have been hitting hard inland and we got to experience it first-hand. It was nearly impossible to be out of the water for longer than 20 minutes.
On the fourth, we exited the water once, to make dinner of course. We cooked up burgers, dogs and pasta salad.
It was so brutally hot we just cooked the food and ran right back into the water.
What a day
Why
Why can’t we help everyone…
Like Los Angeles, there is an abundance of homelessness in the city of San Francisco. It is so sad to see the system had failed them.
The community these people have created though is kind of sustainably wonderful, to see the silver lining.
Yes, these people are severely addicted to drugs, and they can’t help their addiction. That is something that takes over one’s life, leaving a battle between themselves.
The community they build is together, there is never just one man lying on the side of the road drugged out, it’s a street filled with tents and old furniture, giving these people neighbors and maybe even friends, or enemies we don’t judge.
Seeing the overpopulation of homelessness makes me wonder who or what wronged. How did they end up here and do they want to be here?
How
How much longer…
We have only two weeks left on this life changing trip. How did time go so fast? Who the fuck knows.
The remainder of the trip is going to be long stretches of driving to get home. We successfully completed a 16-hour trip yesterday, and will be embarking on a lovely 10-hour trip tomorrow morning. 
The rotation of driving is nice. Splitting these drives between three people is not too bad, especially when your views consist of national forest and ocean drives.
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Indie & Rio
Indie: you 👀 this Rio: edie's snaps Rio: yes bitch Rio: so she gonna have a dog now, they setting up house Rio: where WHERE Indie: you know it in a whip Indie: if it any place Indie: wtf wtf Indie: he aint even got a nice ride & we all been knew Rio: he be driving without a license rn too Indie: he be driving w out his head on right fr Indie: you think im always high bitch Rio: I swear he been high since he been on the scene as a younger Rio: she makes a point of not dating lads her age but why if he only gon provide you what any waste of any age could Indie: i kno he has cos he come thru to me & drew when Indie: wasteman Indie: from day 1 Rio: exactly Rio: god Rio: saying poor dog but not even the point Rio: how she livin he stealing dogs for her now what Indie: we aint even gon be set to call any heads in cos we dont know where they @ Indie: cant say a 🐶 be stolen & holed up somewhere Rio: she lucky if someone don't clock Rio: it's a pup and it's clearly pedigree Rio: that's thousands, not to mention if they love it and all that fucked shit he ain't consider Indie: it probs chipped thats how mans do when they drop cash Indie: bet he aint thought Indie: he could go prison w drew if 🐶 are missed least get him away Rio: oh god Rio: i'll warn her, not that that'll be appreciated Indie: he should b anyway riding a girl her age at his that shit nasty Indie: get a wifey in your years Rio: i know Rio: surprised he ain't make her keep it on the low til her bday Indie: how your ma not merk him ages afore this Rio: you know how it is Rio: she gon do it anyway so don't fight her on it Indie: i kno she been tryna chase away any boy i ever been near & dey in my bracket Rio: yeah well you ain't gonna do something 10x worse when you questioned init Indie: bitch maybe Indie: if she gon have a dog in a car imma live how i want Indie: deal w it mama cavante Rio: don't even play Indie: she 🤡ing nuff for us all Indie: im vexed af Rio: seriously Rio: this is ridiculous Indie: u do kno she dating drew younger Indie: he buy shit to keep peace thats literally how it plays Indie: boy aint even as cute tho awks Rio: but worse Rio: at least drew isn't an addict, whatever else he got going on Indie: nah that just how he want his wifeys Rio: he should be proud Rio: twat Indie: i feel 😷 Rio: at least she admitted she's feeling on it Rio: buster tried to talk to her and got nowhere so Indie: how that boy exist Indie: 😇😇👑😇😇 Indie: get you a daddy who Rio: clearly she good like Indie: i aint even get a call back from the lad i want 👁👁👁 madness Rio: you wanna be wifed up by a lad like that, i think not Rio: he only got no chill cos that's how he livin' his whole life Indie: i want who i want Indie: he aint that Rio: exactly Rio: lord Rio: at least it ain't an actual baby Rio: 'cos that'll 'bout be it, like bye 💀 Indie: dont even chat it Indie: we aint need that possible in the universe Rio: 😶 Indie: u kno he aint ridin proper all the drugs he on Indie: no gettin hard Rio: as much as i ain't about u puttin that in my head i hope u right Rio: god Indie: i is Indie: i been round nuff customers to get the vibe Rio: yikes Rio: drew making a side hustle selling the little blue ones is it Rio: can't be dealing Indie: he should it y them boys so 💔💔💔💔 & vexed Rio: cracked it Rio: we'll do it and get the money Rio: is it prescription, not tryna go to jail with him Indie: hacks Indie: nah man it over counter Rio: nice Rio: so doing it, untapped market Indie: shame it aint work for girls too Indie: you could make more if it do Indie: 🤑🤑🤑🤑 Rio: i think there's a female one but bet that's still prescription, if even available here Rio: bullshit Indie: is it? Indie: if i been knew i coulda hit that w my ex Indie: 💔💔💔💔 Rio: yeah? Indie: he aint good i told you nah? Rio: i didn't know if it was just the first or what and i weren't tryna be too in your face at that time init Rio: not on speaking terms Indie: innit Indie: i been thought it me but i 👂ed others saying since he dashed me Rio: ha Rio: unlucky Rio: know he ain't trying and that's literally half the battle so he ain't gon' do better Indie: bitch if i tried any harder w it id have to pray Indie: waste Indie: 😭😭😭😭 Rio: aw baby Rio: happen when you ain't looking Rio: ma realness of the day Indie: but i want it to happen w the boy i 👀 everywhere in my circles Rio: is this science boy or another one? Indie: we aint tryna call him science boy but you kno Rio: okay gimme a better name i gotta keep track somehow Indie: he called zamari thats he name Rio: that's cute Rio: i'll probably remember that Indie: [sends screenshot of a snap so she can see his face] Indie: lookit Rio: aww Rio: sweet Indie: be sweeter if he was bout me Indie: but you kno Rio: no chance you reckon or what Rio: what's the vibe Indie: the vibe is he one of the boys now Indie: w the rest Indie: he aint see me like 😍😍😍😍 cos we ✌✌✌✌ Rio: I get you Rio: never know Indie: help me cos you 🔥🔥🔥🔥👑👑💖💖💖 Indie: aint no boy ever friended you how Rio: i have boy friends Indie: bitch where Rio: Rian Indie: please he wanna fuck you since he been known Rio: 😒 Rio: Still Rio: I got friends bitch Rio: I just been busy 😂 damn Indie: i aint tryna come for you i saying you a MILF i needs you to help me Indie: it been long & no thing i done work Rio: Hmm Rio: Maybe you gotta stop being friendly for a bit so he see you like that Rio: that way you know Indie: like stop showin him skate tricks? Rio: yeah Rio: start showing him other tricks Indie: but i aint have none Indie: how i gon do that Rio: just pretend Rio: he aint gone know Indie: i cant b like oi lads guess who know how to suck a dick it me Indie: we aint rollin w no girlie sleepover moves Rio: that ain't exactly what i mean 😂 Rio: just be more of a girl Rio: then they'll see it and fill in the gaps if they feeling it, you know Indie: 😒😒😒😒 Rio: what you poutin for Indie: why he not want me how i is Indie: rude Indie: this aint happen to me afore Rio: idk maybe he got a type Rio: don't take it personal, some people be so specific Indie: @mckenna Indie: 😂😂😂😂😂 Rio: exactly Rio: shows there's hope yet, just work out what he likes Rio: probably tell you cos you one of the boys Indie: there is this girl in science he 👀 @ when i looking toward him Indie: I just do how she do? Rio: Yeah Rio: but better, obvs Indie: [sends pic of the girl in question who is obvs more girly etc] Indie: can you do it bitch or nah Rio: 'Course I can Rio: though Grace would be gutted if you didn't let her in on the action too, like Indie: she gon own me w it Indie: but k 💄👗 Indie: we on it Rio: It'll be fun Indie: is it? 😒😒 Indie: when tho? Rio: you don't gotta Rio: n u don't need to but if you wanna get your mans Rio: it might work, boys are that dumb Rio: so whenever you wanna roll up on him Indie: imma do it but i aint vibin Indie: lets kick this now afore i think any harder on it & chat myself out Rio: you know this only good for a hookup yeah Rio: you ain't gonna makeover scene yourself for life Indie: naaah he gon get a taste and then he gon love me Indie: dont get me twisted Rio: Hmm Rio: expectation management baby Indie: he gon get himself a girl who do both Indie: 👑👑👑👑 Rio: slow your roll gurl Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: wys i been waitin since he showed Rio: to ride him mayb Rio: you don't gotta go so hard for the d Indie: you want me to hit & quit now? Indie: damn ma Rio: nah you do you Rio: i just sayin if you wanna be w him then he gotta be about u for u Rio: goes without sayin but like Indie: so you not gon help me or you is? Rio: we gotta debrief harder on what this is and what you want Indie: 👌👌👌👌 Rio: just keep away from that tattoo gun this time yeah? Indie: 😂😂😂😂 you gotta chill ri ri its no thing Rio: nah Indie: nah? Rio: yeah but we dun had this argument then so we don't gotta now Indie: caraca bitch 😮😮😮 you gon do me like i aint learned Indie: i just want him i aint tryna head down no aisle w you & mckenna Rio: Nah, I know Rio: I'm just chatting on any more ink Rio: we're good Indie: his name aint fit in 💘 its all good Rio: 😒 shut up bitch Indie: you rude Indie: play w me Rio: I'm trying Rio: but her shit got me in no mood now like Indie: 💔💔💔💔 Indie: lets roll out somewhere some way Rio: where you wanna be Indie: idc Indie: far Rio: Okay Rio: I'll see what's on Rio: seeing as I do have friends, you know Indie: so you keep chatting 😂😂😂 Rio: 😒 Rio: lucky I don't have too many or I wouldn't roll w you would I 😜 Indie: bitch allow it Indie: im the most ✌✌ Rio: you certainly the most something Indie: innit tho Rio: 😂 Indie: tell yo friends baby 😏😏😏💘💘 Rio: You're chief Rio: also Jas and Kels are on pre-drinks now so you believe they exist enough to come or what Indie: i aint never said you w out squad Indie: just w out boyyys Rio: well they cramp your style how you gon meet boys when you surrounded init Indie: i aint had no issue w it babe Rio: 😑 Rio: you saying i'm dry Rio: i'm cool Indie: i saying what i been saying this whole they all 😍😍😍😍 cos you peng Indie: not tryna friend you when they can wife it Rio: they can't now tho Rio: soz about it lads 🤷 Indie: 💎💎💎 see from 🌚 Rio: You know it Indie: how you styled? Rio: Hmm Rio: I gotta see, my clothes are still all over Rio: Nothing too wild Indie: i feel that Indie: im clappin rn Indie: look & mood Rio: 😔 Indie: aint tryna have your mates think im dry crump Indie: gotta step in & up Rio: Nah they nice Rio: you know that kid in your year Rio: ugh, what do they call him Rio: O'Shea they last name, anyway, Kells is his sister Indie: !!!!!!!!!! Rio: Yeah but it'll be chill Rio: not trying wriggle into that fucking catsuit again and have you creasing 😂 Indie: i aint tryna help your drunk arse out again and be sweatin Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Rio: 😂 rude but fair Rio: actual mess Indie: how mckenna get under that? the boy is 👑👑🥇 Rio: i mean you can ask but you already worried peeps be getting the wrong idea about you, babe so Indie: girl please Indie: i aint worried bout no thing you hush Rio: 😏 is it Rio: ma be so proud Indie: wys Indie: it all good over here Rio: i saying she got a bisexual agenda Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Rio: gutted by how many straight kids she got Indie: she turned my ma i aint tryna follow in dem steps soz bout it Rio: 😂 Indie: kissed few girls but she aint need kno Indie: not bringin them home to meet Rio: Exactly Rio: Such a cringe, bless her Indie: her hair always be sick tho Indie: how she do it Rio: #blessed Rio: jammy bitch Rio: in the genes, obvs 🍀 Indie: im mad Indie: you aint tryna do me one solid drew is it Rio: you know you cute sh Indie: dash that Indie: 👾👾👾 Rio: what you talking bitch Indie: he got me lookin 👽👽👽 cos his dna Indie: vexin Rio: you don't look like an alien you mad Rio: if anything he's given you the looks, like Rio: literally bout the only thing Indie: nah Rio: 😡 Rio: where dis coming from Indie: im in the mirror bitch Indie: & my feelings Rio: you want me to sort your weave Indie: its chill Rio: you can't go out not feeling 💯 Indie: i been done that trust Rio: 😢 baby no Indie: you aint gotta amp it Indie: im w out a man stealing me any 🐶 for my woes Indie: just out here w it Rio: you got a 🐶 and you ain't need no man for no thing else either Indie: you kno Indie: how i mean it Rio: i know Rio: it's nice to have one about but only if they not a fuckboy Rio: otherwise it's just hassle, more than already you don't need, trust Indie: im just tryna feel caught up in a thing that aint walking the streets w this face wearing his name while everyone kno where drew is and he been livin Indie: i been stopped mad amount times today only Rio: makes sense Rio: i don't blame you Rio: this town always talks Indie: u think thats how science boy dont fuck w me Indie: he aint new now he been around & he kno Indie: ?? Rio: I don't reckon Rio: why'd he be that anti-drugs or like Rio: nah Indie: not 🚭 just anti waste Rio: not like he gotta hang w ur dad Rio: i don't see it Rio: would be fucked if he was Rio: you ain't drew, like Indie: but i be livin on top like him Indie: too hype maybe Rio: if he roll w u and ur squad he obviously about that life too Indie: idk man Indie: if you right you right Indie: 💖💖💖 ty for chattin me down from 👑👑 Indie: big love like Rio: don't be silly Rio: always Rio: 🧡 Indie: how much time it gon feel like this for us Rio: How you mean? Indie: will it be good again when i kno drews stretch or nah Indie: i aint tryna feel worse Rio: I don't know Rio: better for knowing exactly what's gonna happen Rio: it always helps Rio: not gonna make everything magically better like but least we know the plan, like Indie: least if he gets a few i can age out of him playin da Rio: yeah Rio: we'll see Indie: & you can get mckenna down the aisle w out him not holding his ☮ Rio: 🙄 Rio: christ, probably not making the guest list either way, like Indie: you gon do big & white or lowkey Rio: go big or go home init Rio: gotta be grown to have those funds Indie: 😂😂😂😂 i shoulda been knew Indie: mckenna aint do lowkey no time Indie: he got the 💸💸💸 tho so go off Rio: just tryna get out of the matching dresses, i 👀 Indie: allow it Indie: you aint want me to go out feeling less than 110 but you bout 🤡ing me in 💒 k k Rio: 😂 Rio: it's my big day, bitch 😉 Indie: yeah so how you want me in all the pics looking bare owned Indie: catch me 😒😒😒😒 in every frame bitch Rio: Obvs Rio: that's the kinda bitch I am Rio: long as I'm slaying, none of you hoes can be Indie: ruuude Indie: how i be hookin mckennas best man in 👗 nah Rio: thought you reckoned it'd be nance Rio: sure she'll think you look lovely 😘 Indie: i aint got enough years to be her type innit Indie: dont wear nuff 💄 either Rio: True Rio: least jailbait ain't her vibe or she'd be in real trouble rn Indie: catch her waiting to be sentenced w drew Indie: wild Rio: Bless Rio: she's doing better, I think Indie: is it? Indie: safe Indie: she getting her head shrunk still? Rio: yeah, well, she ain't asking me to go out on the piss with her as often like so Rio: must be Indie: 💖💖💖💖💖💖 Indie: more ri time for me Indie: sick Rio: You know Rio: so in demand 😘 Indie: innit tho
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