#id love to be more masculine and boyish but! im too feminine for that

[sunny-paws]

i litterally hate gender. i want to be androgynous but in the way that fictional men who always get mistaken for girls at first are like venti or sallyface or basil or mitsuba but allign more male and i love aeing called he/him but im afab and dont know how to come off feminine in a masculine way but i dont feel like a boy or a girl OR nonbianary or anything (ik theres more then that im agender and use xenogenders) and i constantly feel TOO feminind and think maybe its the hair but i dont want to change my hair because i really like it i have tomboyish sidetails WHICH IS THE HAIRCUT MOST CHARS THAT GIVE ME GENDER ENVY HAVE and i dress pretty androgynously and often am mistaken for a dude in public but idek how cuz i hardly look like one i have a natrually very flat chest and can only wear baggy clothes bc of sensory tho. OH AND DONT GET ME STARTED ON PIGTAILS THE BACK OF MY HAIR IS JUUUST LONG ENOUGH FOR SUPPER STUBBY PIGTAILS BUT STILL LOOKS SHORT SHORT AND PERSONALLY I LOVE WEARING PIGTAILS WHEN IM TOO LAZY TO DO MY HAIR AND MY SALLYFACE GENDER ENVY BUT I LOOK SO GIRLY I JUST WANT TO WEAR SKIRTS AND TALL SOCKS AND PIGTAILS IN A BOYISH WAY WHY MGMJDA ID STILL BE AGENDER BUT GOD I WISH I WAS AWAB :😭

[kyutown]

Hii i was just reading some of your stories (which are really good btw. I followed you 🙂) and i was wondering if you could do a ship with cravity, stray kids and the boyz if you have time.

Sorry this will be insanely un organized...

Im a bit younger than the youngest out of all these groups. My personality type is INFP-T and im 5’2.5” (159 ish cm) I tend to be a bit boyish(clothing style and personality) but if i want to i can be feminine lol. My favourite colours are darker blue, purple, and black. I dont like really really masculine men. I am sometime antisocial. love sweaters, blankets and pillows (especially body pillows...they are just so comfortable) my hobbies are trying to sing and dance, watching youtube, anime and Netflix, l live in my bed cuz i live sleeping. When its summer i love swimming in lakes and rivers, i like camping and stuff. Im kinda quirky yknow? When people first see me they think im a jerk because i have a really un impressed face all the time, its my resting face and it sucks sometimes. But if they approach me they find out that im actually quite shy and funny. After getting to know me more i can be loud and a bit strange. Im really emotional and occasionally can get moody quite easily. so someone who can cheer me up somehow but not in a crazy way would be nice. Im very honest when it comes to people asking for advice and stuff like that but will always be a shoulder to lean of if someone else is having a really hard time even though i am not the best at comforting. I love cuddling if i have a good friendship with someone but if they were uncomfortable i wouldnt. I love junkfood, meat, noodles, potatoes, hash brown casserole that my mom makes, popcorn. I dislike some seafoods like sushi, shrimp, seaweed, etc. I also dislike when people pretend to like me but really dont. Id rather them just straight up say/show that they dont really like me so i dont think wrongly. Ive probably forgotten a bunch of important stuff but whenever lol. This is a bit about me, i hope its enough for a ship. Ty sm if you do this <3

hi! thank you for responding!

for cravity, i think seongmin would be a great fit for you! seongmin enjoys sleeping and loves to sleep! i think seongmin would be the type to sleep a lot with you and would probably spend lots of your guys time in bed. you guys would watch movies in bed, read in bed, play games in bed  and would do anything you guys can in bed! he also really enjoys to watch movies and drama so watching movies and dramas in bed would be a daily thing for you guys! if you guys are too busy during the day, i think he would always make sure you guys have time at night to watch with you!

for stray kids, i think jeongin would be a nice pair! i think jeongin is the type to go on a adventure with you! on days you feel like having a day to explore, he would always be prepared and would pack you stuff and his stuff to go on a little adventure! he would walk with you to the beach or pool to spend a day, having fun in the water! he would bring water guns, floaties, and tons of other water toys! he would also take you on a camping trip where he would try to make all of the food and would end the camping night with a little song around the camp fire with you!

for the boyz, i think you would match well with younghoon! younghoon is the type of guy who would always encourage you anc cheer you up in the type of way like it! he would not be crazy but still be very excited and would show his excitement through his words! he would also be the type to sing to you at night. he would quietly sing to you whether that be a lullaby or just a song you guys both like and would most likely cuddle you to bed. younghoon would be such a sweetheart and the times you guys spend together would always be full of love and affection!

[fatal-totheflesh]

Whaddup its time for that #weekly body hatred!!!

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing